An annoying situation

[Mystic Muse]

Suppose somebody you didn't really know that much Called your parents one day. They're hosting a big party and they want your parents to come and add "Bring the kids too" Instead of going to your biweekly* activity your parents say you should go to this party. You know that the host isn't going to notice whether or not you're there and that going will make you miserable. Not only because you're missing one of your favorite activities but because you have to dress up in uncomfortable clothes, to go to a party you don't care about. Not only that but you won't have anybody to hang out with because everybody there prefers hanging out with your siblings. However, even if you were to stay home you couldn't go to your activity because you can't drive.

Now, under these circumstances, Is there any reason you shouldn't simply stay home and IM people or play Nintendo? I ask because I'm in a similar situation. And no, I can't just text people since I don't own a cell phone.

[Milskidasith]

This problem doesn't seem hypothetical at all.

Anyway, solution #1 is to get a cell phone so you can ask friends to a ride to your... whatever event.

Solution #2 is to just go and deal with it, try to make friends, and not intentionally make yourself miserable before you go there. Even things that you "know" are going to be awful can be enjoyable if you don't ruin your day by getting miserable for going before you even go.

[Mystic Muse]

This problem doesn't seem hypothetical at all.
.

Well, the situation I'm in is similar but not quite the same. Although I guess the method of invitation was changed and that's about it.

EDIT: the situation isn't very hypothetical, you're right. I'll change the title.

I'd ask for one of my friends to drive me but I can't think of any of my friends who can drive, and my parents wouldn't appreciate it if somebody they didn't know very well drove me. (Such as my friends parents, other people who go to the activity.)

[IonDragon]

Or bring your laptop, gameboy (dating myself), or whatever and see if you can snag wifi from there. Or a book. Books are great because they never run out of batteries or loose signal.

In response to your question, yes. The reason you shouldn't is (presumably) the reason your asking this question. I imagine there's pressure of some sort from the father/mothership.

I don't know how old you are, but if you're over... say 16 or so bailing is completely an option. Will there be fallout over it? Probably. Will it be worth it? Probably.

Just using my memories of that age as a base line. Although, I just found out today that I made a livejournal years ago that was... well... not representative of how I remember that age, to put it softly. (14, not 16 though. Because that wasn't clear)

[Mystic Muse]

Actually, I'm Seventeen. I'm just a horrible procrastinator and haven't gotten my license yet.

....I'm working on it and I'm taking the test in a couple of days.

EDIT: I'm going to bed. I'll respond tomorrow.

[IonDragon]

I didn't get my license until I was 18. I was driving at 17, and moved out that year. But I'm a baaaaad boy :smallcool:

I don't recommend doing that, on either count. Just say you don't want to go, you've already made plans. I don't know enough of the situation to give better advice than 'you should do what you want, probably'. Personally, I'd say I just didn't want to go. /nod. Sleep time, a couple hours late...

[Winter_Wolf]

Think of it this way: eventually you're going to find that special someone and maybe get married. And you're going to have mandatory days where you hang out with people you really don't want to spend time with, at the cost of not being able to do something you'd rather do. Consider it a duty to your family to attend the function, and suck it up. You won't gain any points for going, but you will surely LOSE points for not going, so it's really up to you if you can afford that hit.

[Liffguard]

I'd say just suck it up and go. An evening of forced interaction won't kill you. Sometimes you do stuff you hate to keep people happy. That's life.

[The Succubus]

An evening of forced interaction won't kill you.

Unless its with a mass murderer. Or a pit of scorpions. Then it probably will.

[Mystic Muse]

Eventually you're going to find that special someone and maybe get married.

This is by no means a guarantee. I don't even know anybody I'd want to go out with right now. Which, granted, doesn't mean it won't happen later, but I don't like my chances of that happening any time soon.

[Thajocoth]

Bicycle. It's like a car, but with only half the wheels and no engine!

[Mystic Muse]

Bicycle. It's like a car, but with only half the wheels and no engine!

I would, but There's several busy roads I'd have to cross and a bridge. As in, the kind cars go across, not one you just walk across.

I could theoretically carry my bike across it and try and walk on the stone sides but if anything goes wrong? No more Kyuubi.

[KenderWizard]

The chances of something unexpectedly good happening are much better if you go out and make an effort to talk to people than if you stay home!

[Klose_the_Sith]

The chances of something unexpectedly good happening are much better if you go out and make an effort to talk to people than if you stay home!

Eh, I dunno if that really applies. I'm pretty sure I know this kind of party and the forced everything sounds fairly painful. Maybe that's just because I've always been pretty anti-social, but that doesn't make an awkward situation any less awkward.

I'd probably recommend going as well, but I'd definitely second the gameboy/book/what have you. Always have a plan b when getting dragged into any large scale gathering where you don't know/are unsure about the people. Always.

[KenderWizard]

Eh, I dunno if that really applies. I'm pretty sure I know this kind of party and the forced everything sounds fairly painful. Maybe that's just because I've always been pretty anti-social, but that doesn't make an awkward situation any less awkward.


You never know what's going to happen when you're out in a new situation, though, and even if you've been to similar parties before, it's still a new one, with probably some different guests and stuff. I know there have been times when I really didn't want to go to some stupid party of my parents' friends, but at one such party my mother dragged me over to talk to the other girl my age, and now she's still a close friend of mine, even though that was a good 6 years ago. I went to some pretty boring ones too, but they only last a couple of hours, and there's usually someone to talk to about [I]something[/].

And going with an open mind for who you might meet doesn't prevent you from also packing a book or gameboy too!

[Klose_the_Sith]

You never know what's going to happen when you're out in a new situation, though, and even if you've been to similar parties before, it's still a new one, with probably some different guests and stuff. I know there have been times when I really didn't want to go to some stupid party of my parents' friends, but at one such party my mother dragged me over to talk to the other girl my age, and now she's still a close friend of mine, even though that was a good 6 years ago. I went to some pretty boring ones too, but they only last a couple of hours, and there's usually someone to talk to about [I]something[/].

And going with an open mind for who you might meet doesn't prevent you from also packing a book or gameboy too!

Well I've been to every event that I've been invited too under this spectrum and I've regretted it every single time. It's always been the same damn thing and I can never talk to strangers under pressure anyway ...

Although if you recall I still recommended going, just having a plan b.

Now get thine damn optimism hence :smalltongue:

[mucat]

I would, but There's several busy roads I'd have to cross and a bridge. As in, the kind cars go across, not one you just walk across.

I could theoretically carry my bike across it and try and walk on the stone sides but if anything goes wrong? No more Kyuubi.

In most countries, including the U.S. if that's where you are, there is no such thing as a destination that can be reached by car but not by bicycle. (Well, there is probably one somewhere. But the number of times I have been told by locals, "you can't get there on a bike" numbers in the dozens or hundreds. The number of times it was even vaguely true holds steady at zero.)

Now, if your original plans take place 60 miles from home, the amount of time it takes you to get there by bike may make it less than worthwhile. But if you want to go, and it's a reasonable distance, then just make sure you've got good lights and the bike is in good repair, and go.

[Mystic Muse]

Yes, I am in the US. This isn't so much a "Not reachable by bicycle" situation as "Unsafe to go by bicycle" situation. Plus my parents would be rather mad.

[Klose_the_Sith]

Yes, I am in the US. This isn't so much a "Not reachable by bicycle" situation as "Unsafe to go by bicycle" situation. Plus my parents would be rather mad.

I dunno if mere traffic counts as a reason to consider cycling unsafe.

Not only do cars have to give way to cyclists so long as they obey the road rules (IIRC), you can also just cross roads like a Pedestrian and use the footpath.

I guess if you live in alligator-infested gangland swamps where grizzly bears are hiding behind every rock then you might have a problem, but I'm used to crossing the busiest roads without even waiting for the right flashing lights. Traffic really isn't that bad.

[RS14]

Why on earth would you go?

Play the slightly rebellious teen for a few more years until you need to dress in nice suits and attend stupid functions again.

[The Rabbler]

Why on earth would you go?

Play the slightly rebellious teen for a few more years until you need to dress in nice suits and attend stupid functions again.

This.

I am also 17, and at this point, my parents understand that, frankly, I don't care about meeting the friend of their friend's friend. Those kind of parties are uninteresting and annoying. Now seems like a good time to start showing your parents that you want to be more independent and that they need to get used to the idea.

bluntness aside, I'm putting my vote towards biking to your previous engagement; though if the aforementioned conversation comes up, sugar-coat it a bit.

[Cealocanth]

I'd go. You might get to know this person better. If he turns out to be a child-hating suicide bomber, I stand corrected. But I don't think he's that bad a guy (or girl).

[arguskos]

I dunno if mere traffic counts as a reason to consider cycling unsafe.
Tell that to Dallas, TX, where the traffic AIMED for me on more than a handful of occasions. :smallannoyed:

I love my bike, but I'm skittish around it now, since, well, yeah. Having to dodge blood-crazed motorists is NOT a good time.

[KenderWizard]

Well I've been to every event that I've been invited too under this spectrum and I've regretted it every single time. It's always been the same damn thing and I can never talk to strangers under pressure anyway ...

Although if you recall I still recommended going, just having a plan b.

Now get thine damn optimism hence :smalltongue:

Aw, that's a shame. It is much better if you're able/in the mood to talk to random strangers, alright! But I shall retain my optimism! :smallsmile:


This.

I am also 17, and at this point, my parents understand that, frankly, I don't care about meeting the friend of their friend's friend. Those kind of parties are uninteresting and annoying. Now seems like a good time to start showing your parents that you want to be more independent and that they need to get used to the idea.

bluntness aside, I'm putting my vote towards biking to your previous engagement; though if the aforementioned conversation comes up, sugar-coat it a bit.

On the other hand (the first hand being my optimism for the party), it could be, as The Rabbler says, a good chance to show some independence, if you can find a safe bike route to your previous engagement. But it's not worth getting hit by a car. I'd have been in the same situation: some roads are just dangerous for cyclists, and it would be irresponsible to try something that could get you in a traffic accident for the sake of avoiding a couple of hours of small talk and hors d'oeuvres.

Unless you have a safe bike route, I still vote party.

[Xyk]

In this situation I, (also being 17), would ask a friend from the prior engagement to give me a ride to said engagement. If it is within easy bicycling distance, that works too, but it would seem it is not, (traffic wouldn't stop me but distance definitely would). Honestly, those parents-forced grown-up parties are boring and awkward. A bunch of people at least twenty years older than you who know things about you through your parents is really not a fun activity.

Terrible grammar aside, either get a ride from a friend to the fun thing or stay home and play zelda.

[Mystic Muse]

Terrible grammar aside, either get a ride from a friend to the fun thing or stay home and play zelda.

Actually, I was going to go with Ogre battle 64 but that works too.:smallbiggrin:

There are other people there roughly my age but, like I said, They like hanging out with my siblings better.

[Xyk]

Actually, I was going to go with Ogre battle 64 but that works too.:smallbiggrin:

There are other people there roughly my age but, like I said, They like hanging out with my siblings better.

No I meant to your prior engagement that you are unable to attend due to your parents' party. If you have friends from that thing that can drive, do that.

[Mystic Muse]

No I meant to your prior engagement that you are unable to attend due to your parents' party. If you have friends from that thing that can drive, do that.

I will if I can. Ogre battle is in case I have no way to get there that my parents will allow. I'm still living under their roof so I still have to follow their rules and if they say none of the options are acceptable then that's that.

[Lioness]

I'm seconding the not-safe-by-bicycle thing...around here, everything is technically reachable by bike, but certainly not safe to do so. Drivers have absolutely no sense of care around cyclists, and often don't even realise they're there. It's really dangerous.

[Sc00by]

Go, get drunk, fall over a lot, throw up over the host, embarrass your parents. Never get invited again!

(no, not really - it never worked for me ::smalleek: )

Serious advice below:
Talk it through with your parents, most parents were young once and some can even still remember it. :smalltongue: Explain that you're not really looking forward to it and that you'd much rather be [where you'd rather be] and could they drop you off on thier way to the party, please?

You never know...

At 16 or 17 I had a ticket to a gig in a field (what is now the Download festival only in 198something). I never quite got round to having the above conversation with my Parents and spent the weekend @ my Grans. I was really, really miserable. And the stupid thing is that if I'd addressed it head on in reasonable time I probably could've gone to the gig. Hey ho.

[Froogleyboy]

Oh, this is a problem I know way too well. My parent's constantly drag me to their friends parties. One way to get out of it is say you don't feel well. If that doesn't work then just say you don't want to go. You might make some people mad, but, eh.

[RandomNPC]

I second everyones idea of "hey, parental figure, I'm not going"

The trick is to tell them nicely you don't want to go and would like to stay home, or if they would be so kind, you would like to be dropped off. If this trick does not work it is time for trick two. Trick two is getting sarcasticly truthfull, every word out of your mouth needs to be completely true, don't be kind about it either.
My best example is when my mom took me shoe shopping at 16, my shoes still fit and were in good repair, and I could have driven myself. You know that phrase "It fits like a glove"? When I got a pair that fit well I told her "It fits like a shoe" A random lady an isle over told my mom she needs to slap me, I looked the lady in the eye and told her "If I said it fit like a glove, it wouldn't be a good shoe would it?"

anyway, once you try this smarmy approach, there's no going back untill the next social encounter.

[IonDragon]

I second everyones idea of "hey, parental figure, I'm not going"

The trick is to tell them nicely you don't want to go and would like to stay home, or if they would be so kind, you would like to be dropped off. If this trick does not work it is time for trick two. Trick two is getting sarcasticly truthfull, every word out of your mouth needs to be completely true, don't be kind about it either.

Oh man, I remember this tactic so well. My mother loved it, but my step mom and dad haaated it (that's why I did it). It persisted for about 2 years actually.

If in the end you are forced to go make sure you hide a gameboy or similar on your person. Then bring a book. Maybe two. I've had my attempts at being antisocial foiled by flaunting the fact that I was bringing my game system too many times to count. I'm not sure if you're aware, but sitting in the corner alone with nothing to do for 4 hours is BOOOOORING.

[Brewdude]

Older person's perspective here.

At some point you are going to want a job, and not one of the annoying types. One thing they all ask for is three references not related to you. These parties are precisely the sort of thing to go to for these sorts of references.

No, one won't do it, but go to two or three, try not to make an ass of yourself, mention all the sorts of things about yourself that you'd think your parents would be proud of to their friends, and then milk those suckers for all the recommendations they are worth, having them parrot the very things about you that you've been telling them. This sort of party isn't for enjoyment, it's for what the adults like to call "networking", which, bottom line, is just getting people who might help you in the future to attach your name to your face.

Also, stuff your face. Adult parties tend to do good on the food, and they need teens to finish off the leftovers. Better yet, parents feel a whole lot more inclined to pay for your insurance when they get the benefit of you being a designated driver at these parties.

[nihilism]

wow people have/had some overbearing parents.

on the other hand i have very occasionally attended parties expecting to be miserable and ended up having a great time

[Iruka]

When I had to accompany my parents to such parties, there was usually a lot of delicious food. So quite often, I didn't really mind coming along and put a lot of effort into finding out how many pieces of cake I could eat while still leaving enough room for diner. (As a safety measure, I always brought a book.)

[Mystic Muse]

Looks like my activity wasn't happening today anyway so I didn't miss anything.

Turns out my suspicions about the party were right. I had fun for maybe thirty minutes out of 5 hours. The rest was just annoying. The music was horrible (I wished I was deaf during this one song), they had lousy food, Several of the kids were just jerks (And these were kids related to me, calling me things I can't repeat on this site.)

I was also right about almost nobody noticing I wasn't even there. I came later than the rest of the family (long story) and out of the 50 or so people there who knew me one person asked where I was.

Overall, it wasn't worth my time and I am going to politely tell my parents tomorrow that I'm not going to anymore of these.

[Brewdude]

I was also right about almost nobody noticing I wasn't even there. I came later than the rest of the family (long story) and out of the 50 or so people there who knew me one person asked where I was.

Did you know everyone at the party? Have everyone's name attached to their face? Do you know what they do/what they've been studying for in the past month? Did you bring any food to the party yourself? Did you do that one thing you're going to do at every party you go to so that everyone remembers you as the one who does that at parties? Did you ask each person what their party trick was? ("do you have any party tricks you can teach me?" works wonders) Did you mention something you've always wanted your parents to do for you as something they're planing to do for you in front of their friends in such a gushing happy manner that they can't really deny it without looking foolish? Or something so outrageous they can't help but deny it? ("I'm so excited that Dad's going to be training me for my driver's license next week so that next one of these I can DD for him!" you said, staring at your drunk dad) Did you try and sneak, um, beverages? Do you now have a better relationship with the parents of the kids who are annoying you than they do?

What? No? Bah, yer setting yerself up for disappointment. Here's a few basic party tips.

1)People like to talk about themselves. Ask them questions. Questions are power. As long as you are the one asking questions, you control the conversation.
2)People tend to be one of three types, viewers, listeners, or feelers. Figure out which type they are by asking what they like to do. Movies=viewer Music=listener Hang out with friends=feeler. After that, use those words around them "I see, that looks interesting" "I hear ya, that sounds interesting" "You touched on something there. That feels interesting."
3)mimic their stance: if they have their arms crosses, cross your arms. If they are leaning in, you lean in too. If they are laid back, lean back yerself. They have one leg forward, put one arm in front of yerself. Mirroring indicates that your moods are matching.
4)Funneling. When the story they are telling starts getting boring, ask a question about what they've said that brings the topic closer to what you are interested in. Popular party funneling is towards sex, but towards ways they can help you do whatever it is you want them to do is always good too.
5)look where their eyes are pointing Up=viewer sideways=listener down=feeler. Right and left are memory and creation (can't remember which is which) which is how you tell if someone's lying (creating=lying memory=truth)

Congratulations, you are now a party star. When you shift your focus away on to a new target you can visibly see them shake off the trance you've put them in, and they'll leave craving more of the positive impression you just made on them, while you've just left with whatever information about them you've decided was worth your interest that night.

[Mystic Muse]

Did you know everyone at the party?

No. there were a lot of people there. Most of which I've never met before. Like this one kid with the same name as me who's a pretty big liar.

However, out of the fifty or so people I did know there none of them asked where I was and I hang out with several of these people quite often. I honestly don't feel that bad. It's clear I wasn't exactly missed so now I have no reason to go to the next one either.

[blackspeeker]

1)People like to talk about themselves. Ask them questions. Questions are power. As long as you are the one asking questions, you control the conversation.
2)People tend to be one of three types, viewers, listeners, or feelers. Figure out which type they are by asking what they like to do. Movies=viewer Music=listener Hang out with friends=feeler. After that, use those words around them "I see, that looks interesting" "I hear ya, that sounds interesting" "You touched on something there. That feels interesting."
3)mimic their stance: if they have their arms crosses, cross your arms. If they are leaning in, you lean in too. If they are laid back, lean back yerself. They have one leg forward, put one arm in front of yerself. Mirroring indicates that your moods are matching.
4)Funneling. When the story they are telling starts getting boring, ask a question about what they've said that brings the topic closer to what you are interested in. Popular party funneling is towards sex, but towards ways they can help you do whatever it is you want them to do is always good too.
5)look where their eyes are pointing Up=viewer sideways=listener down=feeler. Right and left are memory and creation (can't remember which is which) which is how you tell if someone's lying (creating=lying memory=truth)

Congratulations, you are now a party star. When you shift your focus away on to a new target you can visibly see them shake off the trance you've put them in, and they'll leave craving more of the positive impression you just made on them, while you've just left with whatever information about them you've decided was worth your interest that night.

Do you work in sales, or are you a Chuck Palahniuk fan, I've heard of this very thing in the book Rant by a car salesman, it surprises me to hear someone does it and it works. I never thought to actually try it but I will in the future.

[dehro]

one day you'll take it out on your kids and invite them to similarily boring (to them) evenings playing RPG or doing stuff you like, while they would much rather have a pic-nic on mars, watch rambo 45, throw monkeydog turds at the nearest spacecraft.

suck it up, we've all gone through the same "events" and at the age of 32 (well..in a couple of days) I'm still being reminded by my mum of that distant cousin that I met once at his barmitzva, who apparently got married and has n kids. I have no interest in him or his kids but one day I might (I'm told he has a beach house:smallbiggrin: and he's a lawyer..)
if the next partty is gonna be equally boring, bring a book, take the host's dog for a walk, focus on the food..
if you want to avoid being invited again, hit on his daughter..better if she's married/engaged :smallbiggrin:)
ultimately you're not going for yourself..you're going for your parents, who are probably proud of having you and like to introduce you to their friends or mention you and point at you when they do so.
your parents will remember both if you go or if you refuse to go (when they rrreally want you to).. unless of course they are more flexible than you give them credit for.
maybe they just want to take you along because they see you often sitting at home when they figure you should go out more? they probably aren't aware just how much those events suck for you..
you can always bargain. do something they'd like you to do for them in exchange of a pass on their social events...something of course that leaves you time to do what YOU want too.
anyway, yes..testing the water and talking to them to find out where you have an opening for debate is the best course of action

[KenderWizard]

Overall, it wasn't worth my time and I am going to politely tell my parents tomorrow that I'm not going to anymore of these.

Provided you're polite, talking to them about it is probably a good idea, but in my experience there are always a few important events you can't get out of, and you'll really hurt your parents' feelings if you try. I think it's a good sign that they want you there in the first place!



2)People tend to be one of three types, viewers, listeners, or feelers. Figure out which type they are by asking what they like to do. Movies=viewer Music=listener Hang out with friends=feeler. After that, use those words around them "I see, that looks interesting" "I hear ya, that sounds interesting" "You touched on something there. That feels interesting."


What are RPG players? Questers? :smalltongue:

[mucat]

No. there were a lot of people there. Most of which I've never met before. Like this one kid with the same name as me who's a pretty big liar.

However, out of the fifty or so people I did know there none of them asked where I was and I hang out with several of these people quite often. I honestly don't feel that bad. It's clear I wasn't exactly missed so now I have no reason to go to the next one either.
Now you're being unfair. Clearly there were hundreds of people at the party...and you're feeling unwanted because people didn't notice that you showed up late? How could they know whether you'd been there earlier? You could simply have been in a different room, talking to someone else.

What it sounds like is that you decided to put these people to the test and see if they "passed" by fussing about your late entrance. Intentionally devising tests for friends/loved ones is a terrible thing to do, and this test was an unfair one on top of that.

It also sounds as if you were oozing resentment at being there in the first place, and were probably not a whole lot of fun to be around that night.

I'm not saying you have to go to these parties. Hell, I was the one who advised you to get on a bicycle and go do whatever you really wanted to do that evening. But if you do decide to go, then simple decency requires you to treat the other people there with respect and try to be good company...and I'm really not getting the impression that you did either in this case.


EDIT: By the way, I'm not for moment doubting your word that others there were behaving badly as well. If it was widespread, all the more reason to skip the next party with this crowd. But you can't control their actions, only your own...and it sounds as if your own behavior did leave something to be desired in this case.