Relationship Woes and Advice: A Sleepless Fortnight

[xPANCAKEx]

Previous Thread: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=8671579)


obligatory copypasta


Welcome to the Relationship Woes and Advice thread, home of any questions you may have: romantic or familial or friendship, we'll answer (or try to answer) them all. Three years old and growing. As Pancake says, this isn't a trade economy- feel free to ask if you have a question, even if you haven't ever given advice and don't intend to start. We won't stone you or ignore you or anything. :smallsmile: All we ask is to know how a situation ends up, either in this thread or through a PM.

Here are the basics.

The biggest bit of advice I've seen bandied around is the truest- no matter what else is true about the situation, always be yourself. It's no good to act like someone else, because eventually the true you will come out and the other person will not be happy you hid that from them.

Rules Of Relationships:
#1- Communicate. If you can't talk with your partner, it's probably not going to work.

#2- Be yourself. Admittedly, if you have some really bad habits you should probably try to change them, but be honest about who you are. No one wants to find out they were loving a lie, and no one likes to live a lie (...well, normally).

#3- Accept your partner. In mine, and other people's, experience you have to be able to accept your partner as they are, because they probably won't be able to change. Also, don't change drastically for someone. I've tried it, my friends have tried it, it doesn't work and it doesn't end pretty.

#4- Hints. Do. Not. Work. Or they might, but the chance of that happening is limited. Some people are like me and just utterly oblivious unless it is blatantly stated, others are (also like me) and don't want to assume, and yet others don't care. You won't know which they belong to unless you actually spell out your intentions and/or feelings. I would consider this a corrolery to Rule #1 except that it comes up so often. Do NOT assume someone should know something from hints. Hints, by nature, are subtle. Clue Bats/Crow Bars/Mack Trucks are not. Try hitting them with one of those. ;) (No, not literally. I mean be upfront if you are trying to get someone to know something.)

#5- Don't be desperate. You don't need to be in a relationship and the healthiest mindset is one where you are happy as you are, even if you do not have a significant other. Don't stay in a relationship that isn't good if you aren't happy, just because you want someone. This is detrimental to both parties in the long (and sometimes short) run.

#6- Be a couple. Set aside some time every week to be together. Just an hour, if nothing else, where it's JUST you two. No computer, no others. Just the couple.

#6.5- Maintain the relationship. Ask your partner every now and then how they are feeling, if they feel like the relationship is still going in a good direction, etc. Also, make sure you don't hide it if you have an issue with your partner or a relationship. The only way it can change is if you talk about it.

#7- Let your boundaries be known. This goes for everything from intimacy to what you consider cheating to any other thing you can think of. Pretty much if it's something that would possibly upset you or your partner, let them know BEFORE a problem arises. An example would be letting your partner know you consider kissing cheating. They very well might think only intercourse is cheating. Having that known before anything potentially happens is a good thing.

#8- Know the signs of an abusive relationship. (http://www.broadcaster.org.uk/section1/scenarios/rape.html#abusive) Both men and women can be abusers, and if you recognize the signs early on you are more likely to be able to get out of a bad situation before it gets out of hand. It's never easy, but if you know the general red flags, it can help you to avoid the situation.

Another list (http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm) - courtesy of Pheehelm and arkady

RULES. YOU READ THESE.
-Anything of a sexual nature, please PM to either myself or one of the regular advice givers. If you just want general opinions post something like: "I have this problem, but it is not board appropriate. Could one of you guys PM me?" I know from experience that you will in fact get help.

-KEEP IT NICE. Disagreements are bound to happen, but please don't be rude.

-Joking is all fun and games, within reasons. Please do not get derogatory.

I decided to put this up because, evidently, it was not apparent that these should be followed. I do not want this thread to be scrubbed again, and we were blessed to get it back.

So please - play nice, and if you're not comfortable talking about things over the open board, PM one of the regulars (too many to mention), and I'm sure they'll be willing to lend an ear - or if you're not sure who to PM, post asking for someone to PM you, and you'll soon get a response

-Syka





Previous Thread: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=8671579)

[Superglucose]

FIRST!

To continue the discussion, I love ribs. I should go to WA and make Keld make me ribs.

EDIT:... huh. So I bet she thought I was an emotional abuser. That... explains a lot.

(P.S. that list is ridiculous, calling it "gender neutral" when one of the "warning signs" of abuse is "Negative attitude towards women"?!)

On further reading I am going to formally request that describing that link as "gender neutral" be removed. Keep the link, but remove the part saying it's gender neutral. It's not even close.

[Pheehelm]

I think the "more" modifies "gender neutral" as well as "general." Finding a list of warning signs that even acknowledged women can be abusers was a bit of a feat. At the very least, even if there is a "negative attitude towards women" (and yeah, it should probably have a "negative attitude towards men" thing in there too) item, it still contains a fair amount of "he/she," which makes it more gender neutral than the first link.

[Superglucose]

I suppose that's true in the same sense that Mars is "more habitable" than Venus.

[Syka]

Yeah, finding something that is fairly generalized is difficult. Studies have shown women are responsible for as much abuse (physical and emotional) as men are. The problem is that the harm women abusers inflict is generally not as severe as men do, and men tend to brush it off/not report. So it's a lot more difficult to get a profile for women. Like, shoving within a relationship is considered abuse. Women do this a lot. They are less likely, on average, to punch their partners if I'm not mistaken, though. A punch does more physical damage than a shove (usually, unless you're shoved in to something)*.


It sucks but...best we can do. I'll try to find another one, but it's doubtful.



*It's been awhile since I've looked at the literature, this is what my brain is remembering. It could be off, but I think the intent is correct.

[Superglucose]

The problem is that the harm women abusers inflict is generally not as severe as men do, and men tend to brush it off/not report.
Physically yes. Emotionally I strongly disagree, women are capable of as much damage in that regard as men.

How about this for a compromise: Axe the first link, just leave the second, and remove all claims of "gender neutral."

EDIT: I am not opposed to the list being there... though the first one makes me twitch with irritation, it's still good information. I am only opposed to the fact that there is a "gender neutral" label around it, even if the qualifier "more" is there I don't think it's an appropriate label.

[GolemsVoice]

Quick question, no big deal: I've managed to find myself a girlfriend, and words can barely describe how happy I am. Now I've got the "suspicion" that I am her first boyfriend, "although" we're both 21.

The question: should I ask her? Would this be impolite? I don't want her to feel, well, patronized? or anything like that. It is mostly for my own curiosity's sake.

[Xyk]

Physically yes. Emotionally I strongly disagree, women are capable of as much damage in that regard as men.

How about this for a compromise: Axe the first link, just leave the second, and remove all claims of "gender neutral."

EDIT: I am not opposed to the list being there... though the first one makes me twitch with irritation, it's still good information. I am only opposed to the fact that there is a "gender neutral" label around it, even if the qualifier "more" is there I don't think it's an appropriate label.

I agree with your premise, though i disagree with the first part of this quote. Women and Men (as a whole) are equal in that regard and every regard that is not directly linked to biological differences. People is people, no generalizing.

On topic:
GolemsVoice: Personally, I wouldn't worry about it too much, but that's one of those minor things that almost definitely will offend her a little but she'll shrug it off within a few minutes, especially if followed by a joke.

[Zeb The Troll]

Quick question, no big deal: I've managed to find myself a girlfriend, and words can barely describe how happy I am. Now I've got the "suspicion" that I am her first boyfriend, "although" we're both 21.

The question: should I ask her? Would this be impolite? I don't want her to feel, well, patronized? or anything like that. It is mostly for my own curiosity's sake.Curious. Why are suspicion and although in quotes?

In any case, my generic advice would be not to ask. Some people would be cool with it, others might be embarrassed by it, others might be offended. Asking out of the blue with no surrounding context could be jarring enough to have an adverse reaction. But, I'd be willing to bet that it'll come up in conversation at some point if the relationship lasts long enough (good luck to you!). Or at least a natural opportunity to ask that doesn't make it seem like it's been bugging you for a while.

My $.02.

[Worira]

Pretty sure a marked difference between muscular strength between the sexes, particularly in the upper body, is directly linked to biology.

[Pheehelm]

Superglucose -- *shrug* It doesn't really seem that bad to me, but if an even more gender neutral list (that's still accurate and useful) could be found I don't think it'd be unwelcome.

GolemsVoice -- I can't help but think the answer might depend on what aroused your suspicion.

[Coidzor]

I've noticed I definitely look better in more worn jeans, like the ones with one big hole over the knee. Those, flip flops, my long hair, a warm smile, a bit of visible stubble, and a slightly (but not overly) baggy T-shirt is definitely my best look by far.

I am going to go clothes shopping soon to get stuff that actually looks good and is summer wear. I have ONE pair of shorts which, judging by the way B was sticking her hand in the holes and grabbing my ass, are a bit too worn for normal wear.

Nope, pretty much gotta only wear those when you're up for a game of grab ass. :smallcool: Also, I'd love to be able to pull off just stubble. I always get trashtalked about looking like a hobo whenever I play around with the scruff. :smallsigh:

Makes me glad I've got a kilt, actually. Though, come to think of it, I don't think those really do anything but show off the legs unless the wind is blowing just right....

[Malfunctioned]

To be perfectly honest, Mal, I don't know how much it matters to hear this from a straight identified man, but quite frankly, you look to be the kind of guy I wouldn't mind getting friendly with, if you catch my meaning. The industrial club scene look doesn't do much for me, but I have to say, you're a cutey. :smallwink:




I'm agreeing with MK on this, Mal. :smallwink:


Thanks :smallbiggrin:


Malfunctioned gains +2 to Self-Esteem.


And now so I can actually contribute to the conversation...a good t-shirt that fits well can actually make a lot of a difference in how you look, for instance (because I'm ridiculous bad at explaining things) I have something that could resemble a figure, normally it's hidden behind baggy t-shirts but when I wear one that actually fits....

Seen here when I attempt to lift up my friend. (http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs198.snc4/38224_452087611334_557691334_6526576_383414_n.jpg)

So whilst us guys only really have t-shirts or other shirts to choose from a good fitting t-shirt can actually change how you look.

[Pheehelm]

On that subject, how exactly is a fashion-inept guy supposed to determine what fits really well and what doesn't? (In the absence of a brutally honest female accomplice, of course. That's too easy.)

Incidentally:
I'm not even sure the shirt/jeans versus suit thing is even really about showing off their body. I think part of it is almost that down to earth, but still looking hot thing. Most guys can pull off a well tailored suit. Pulling off a regular pair of jeans and a shirt can be tougher, especially if you don't know what compliments your body.Reminds me of your question a few threads back about getting hit on more when wearing a hoody with your hair tied back.

[GolemsVoice]

Curious. Why are suspicion and although in quotes?

Ah, well, suspicion might be a bad translation of a German phrase, where "having a suspicion" means as much as "having the feeling that", and is mostly neutral. And yes, it's really no big deal. Just htought I might ask.

[xPANCAKEx]

On that subject, how exactly is a fashion-inept guy supposed to determine what fits really well and what doesn't? (In the absence of a brutally honest female accomplice, of course. That's too easy.)


do what i did

take a friend whos style you admire shopping with you - get them to pick out a few items, and explain why even if its just a "it will make your legs look better" one-liner. Or even just pick their brains over it in a 10 minute conversation.

Lots of brands also have "style books" - they'll cost you, but you can see how the clothes are intended to be worn to achieve a certain look

and also - start farming through fashion websites or buying magazines

and a further point - if you see an item of clothing on someone that you really like dont be afraid to ask "hey, those are nice ***** where did you get them?" - people will appreciate the compliment and usually be pretty helpful (such as telling you when they bought it, so you'll know if its going to be out of season)

[Erloas]

First I will say I haven't been following these threads much...

As for abusive women, well my cousin has found 2 of them so far and while everyone sees that it is the case, in terms of it being reported... well it never happened.



So a bit over a year ago my brother and his girlfriend introduced me to one of her friends from college and we had been talking online that whole time. We hadn't meet because she lives about 1000 miles away. She was always quick to say hi online but it took a lot of work to get her to actually talk about anything. There was a lot of things she just would never respond to, but I wasn't sure how to take it because I knew she was shy and she had never been in much of a relationship before (and since neither have I, I really had no idea what normal really should be).

I finally got her to get some time off to come visit me and it kind of surprised me that she took 2 weeks off. That was the first two weeks of July. She flew down with her friend (my brother's girlfriend). She seemed excited and nervous to visit, but it seemed like she wanted to. But once she got here it didn't seem like she made much of an effort at all to work through being shy/nervous. And I could hardly get her to talk to me and she did all sorts of avoidance tactics that I recognize from being shy myself. But I couldn't get her to talk about anything and she never really wanted to do anything. It was really hard to read what she might have been thinking, even her friend couldn't get her to say much of anything about what she was thinking about. Other then maybe a few hours maybe 3-4 days of those two weeks did she really seem at all comfortable with me.

Both my brother and his GF said she was acting completely different then she did before and it really surprised them how she was acting.

From my own interpretation what was going on (coupled with some insights from various other people) it seems like she likes me, but she was never really ready for a relationship. She wasn't opposed to the idea of one, but I don't think the actualities of a relationship were something she wanted. I think there was a possibility for it to work had she not been 1000 miles away and we could have started meeting for short periods of time and drawn things out for a while for her to get used to the idea. But I think the distance was too great and she didn't even want to think about leaving her mother and where she grew up. My brother's GF knew her in college and when I first started talking to her she was living with her dad, but for a good portion of the last year she has been living with her mom. From what I've heard her mom is still very bitter about her divorce and it seems like her mom (and maybe some of her other family) act very dependent on her. I can't tell if its her projecting need from her mom or her mom playing the victim, but there were several times when she was here were she acted like her mom was incapable of taking care of some things on her own. (her mom isn't that old, it was things like actually getting someone to repair the AC, or paying the phone bill)

Things basically ended with her never really saying much, but that she wasn't really feeling any connection. (to me it felt like a self-imposed blocking, but its a moot point). She has been home for a day and a half and I haven't heard anything from her. And really since about Wednesday I've known for sure it wasn't going to go anywhere. I've told her I'll still talk with her if she wants, but I kind of don't think that will happen.

Its been really hard for me because I like her, but also because talking to her (even as little as we did so much of the time) and being close to her has just shown me how much I do want to be with someone. Although I've had no real trouble being single pretty much all the time (I'm 30 now), I do want to be with someone. And I can accept that I was more interested in the idea of her then with her specifically (she had a number of quirks that I could deal with and accept but it would have made things a lot more difficult).


So now I have the hard part of what to do next. Meeting women has always been the hardest part for me, I tend to get along with women just fine after that. It was always just the case that there were very few women in my college classes and very few in any of my jobs and the few I have meet through those things have all been involved in long term relationships. I'm not out doing stuff all the time and I'm content mostly doing stuff that doesn't involve a lot of other people. I would also like to meet a woman that is more of a homebody rather then someone that constantly needs to be running around doing stuff. The hardest part with that is those are the hardest people to get together because their at home being content with being themselves.

I really just have no idea where to start. I could try internet sites, but when I tried them years ago it seemed almost as futile as going to a bar to pick someone up. The few people I still talk to my age (friends from HS and college) are spread around the country and no where near me. Most of the people I work with are all old enough to be my mom/dad so not a lot to go on there. The stuff I like doing like camping and fishing are all about getting away from everyone else in the wilderness, and my other hobbies are notoriously male oriented (gaming mostly) and I'm already doing those and there are no women around. I just don't know where to start even looking. I'm not necessarily in a big hurry to jump into anything again, but I figure I should start thinking about it for later because if I wait too long I'll probably not try because it will seem to not be worth the effort (at least right now I can clearly remember why it is worth the effort).

[xPANCAKEx]

Erloas

re the lass: sounds like a non-starter. You've tried, but its not worked out - if anything the ball is in her court. So let her make the effort.

As for meeting other people? try taking up some more socially orientated activities - you'll never meet people if you stay on your own

[MountainKing]

On that subject, how exactly is a fashion-inept guy supposed to determine what fits really well and what doesn't? (In the absence of a brutally honest female accomplice, of course. That's too easy.)

Incidentally:Reminds me of your question a few threads back about getting hit on more when wearing a hoody with your hair tied back.

That's sometimes easy; in the case of not having a brutally honest female around, take a brutally honest (though open-minded) male. :smallwink: Failing that, while it's not a perfect system, you could always try to compare yourself with male models in catalogs. This approach *DEFINITELY* takes being brutally honest with yourself, along with healthy doses of self esteem and realism (let's face it, for the most part, nobody actually looks like that. Damned Photoshop!), along with acceptance of who you are and what you look like.

At the end of the day, maybe a particular look just isn't for you; what really matters though, is what you're most comfortable in. If you're comfortable with how you look, eventually, you'll run into somebody who happens to dig that, and then things (can) develop from there.

And Mal... I'm going to start hitting on you in my head now. I don't know when I'll stop. :smallamused:

[Malfunctioned]

And Mal... I'm going to start hitting on you in my head now. I don't know when I'll stop. :smallamused:

Is there any chance I can sig this? :smalltongue:

[Coidzor]

Is there any chance I can sig this? :smalltongue:

Is there any chance we can just skip to the hitting on you part? :smallamused:

Re: Abusive women vs. Abusive men thing. Might be able to mitigate a bit of this by having two things, one of just general relationship verbal and emotional abuse and then the one of the physical abuse added in on top of it like a parfait of the eternal chain of victimization. :smallyuk:

I think the worst part is the certainty that if they have kids or are involved in the lives of children, then those children will be broken by the interaction and become as bad or worse. Really makes you sympathize with Kore...:smallsigh:

[MountainKing]

Is there any chance I can sig this? :smalltongue:

You go right on ahead, you. :smallwink: I'll just be over here, hitting on you, in my head.

[Superglucose]

I um... what?

So today was... interesting?

I went to the burger place, about halfway through my meal, SMOKING (we're taking 10-9.5) hot redhead walks in, ad goes to sit down at a table with one really drunk middle aged woman, one middle aged woman, and one middle aged man. I mean gorgeous. I didn't get a good look at her face first but I figured my friend did and so I asked her how her face was. He was like "I dunno." So now we're talking and I'm trying to convince him to turn around and tap her on the shoulder and ask if he knows her. Because they might go to the same school. He keeps chickening out, so I sigh and just walk right on over and do my thing.

Her mom, totally drunk, then says "We were just wondering the same thing!" And I was like, "... wut?" Because I had caught the redhead stealing glances at me, of course. Then her dad breaks the spell... "How old are you?" So after a quick conversation (she works at the same musical theater company my best friend used to work for, but the older woman was insistent that she recognized me...) I go back to my table.

Afterwords Steffy and I start talking and her mom, totally blitzed, keeps going "We were just having the same conversation you guys were having!"

At first I was thinking, "No way." Then I remembered her dad's question ("How old are you?") and I got to thinking, "Well... maybe..."

Oh well we'll see :smallwink:

EDIT: from her first name alone I got a facebook page.

[Coidzor]

Crushes that you forget about and then when you talk to them again remind you of them by causing you confusion as to where your random jealousy of a friend getting a new significant other are... very strange beasties.

You'd think they'd die off from neglect. :smallconfused:

[Maeglin_Dubh]

My last girlfriend cheated on me for a month.

The one before left me for a guy back home when I was at college.

The one before that kissed another guy at the mall when we were taking a break over the summer (I was working at camp, and she attended a young adult session there, and us being a couple would have resulted in me getting fired, so we dropped the titles for the summer.)



Way I figure it, the next one's going to try and shoot me.

[Serpentine]

Really? Just from those summaries, they look like they're getting less bad. I would predict the next one to, say, flirt with one of your friends in front of you without considering you might not like it. The one after that should be just swell.

[Don Julio Anejo]

Really? Just from those summaries, they look like they're getting less bad. I would predict the next one to, say, flirt with one of your friends in front of you without considering you might not like it. The one after that should be just swell.
:smallfrown: They're going from "last to first" so the next one really is likely to shoot him. So the husband doesn't find out or something.

PS: sorry for being so encouraging :smile:

[Serpentine]

Ah. Yes, of course. I still don't think shooting's next on the list, though (though we've already had a stabbing, supposedly :smallwink:). I think "leaving you on the altar to run off with your best man" will come first.

[Syka]

Supes, I take it Burger Chick wasn't there, though? Either way, blitzed parents are hilarious (when they aren't yours) and kudos for getting the guts to go talk to them. :smallsmile:


Maeglin, or you can keep your head up, evaluate the warning signs and learn. :) Even if the red flags were different for each one, it's still a learning experience. The last guy I dated apparently missed the "but let each other know if we are getting involved with anyone else" part to "We're not exclusive". My first boyfriend, right before that guy, cheated on me after over 3 years because he couldn't handle the distance anymore with a girl he'd known a week and was now "in love" with. The crush before him treated me like a piece of dirt.

Current guy? No issues. Part of that I attribute to recognizing warning signs and acting appropriately. I mean..the territory does come with paranoia, but there are still good people out there. It really blows to deal with, though.

I wish you luck.

[xPANCAKEx]

Maeglin_Dubh

sometimes you just have a run of bad luck. As syka said - keep an eye out for those warning signs. Without knowing more about each relationship i cant give more indepth advice

its a case you live/you learn. One thing about growing up is learning to call a relationship off before it gets to the stage of resentment/wanting something else. Or it may just be that you go for a particular type of girl prone to such behavior

i know after 3 it must be hard not to take it personal, but the next lass you date, if you are concerned things arnt going in a positive direction then swing by and im sure we will all be willing to help you as and when we can

[Superglucose]

Supes, I take it Burger Chick wasn't there, though? Either way, blitzed parents are hilarious (when they aren't yours) and kudos for getting the guts to go talk to them. :smallsmile:
Blitzed parent :smallwink: Only the mom!

And yes, burger chick was there. Found out she has a boyfriend, of all things! (I am totally not surprised, mostly because we had a good laugh about it)

[Syka]

Aww. Well, at least that's two good things (giving a pretty, non-single girl a compliment in the form of a date-request and finding another pretty girl) as opposed to a bad thing (rejected). :smallsmile: Not that rejection is bad, in and of itself (although it sucks), just that getting flat out turned down was the "worst case scenario".

Good luck with the redhead.

[Superglucose]

Aww. Well, at least that's two good things (giving a pretty, non-single girl a compliment in the form of a date-request and finding another pretty girl) as opposed to a bad thing (rejected). :smallsmile: Not that rejection is bad, in and of itself (although it sucks), just that getting flat out turned down was the "worst case scenario".
Yeah, she was awesome about it. Afterwords I was like "That figures, you see, you are so awesome you had to be taken!" and she just laughed it off like the total joke it was.

Also I'm still going to keep going and having her choose my burgers. This time it was a burger with chipotle mayo, pepper jack, and a big 'ol grilled jalapeno on top. Deeee-licious. Probably in a couple weeks I'll have lunch with another friend there, since I'm trying to spread the word (I firmly believe in spreading the word of good local businesses) of how damn tasty those burgers are.



Good luck with the redhead.
Man... I hope to have it. All I know about her is a) she is tremendously gorgeous and b) the first thing I heard her say was an Airplane! reference (don't call me Shirley). And you know what? Since meeting new people and finding more about them is part of the reason I love life, I'm ok with that.

In other, slightly interesting and complicating news, I now have Meagan's address. I love my friend E. She didn't even question it, just huned it down for me and gave it to me.

It makes everything I do in the dating front a bit more... complicated... for the next couple of weeks, but it will be very nice to get that letter away.

[MountainKing]

Not to be a pessimist, Supes, but if things fall through with Red and you get all bummed about it, I just want it to be known that if you fail to report so by telling us that you "picked a Hell of a day to quit drinking", I will be sorely disappointed. :smallamused: Jest though I might, good luck!

Also, yesterday I was talking with A (the old friend/ex), and she related to me that she'd had a dream about me... wherein I'd gotten a new girlfriend, and I wanted her to meet other-her. Turns out the new girlfriend was a vacuous, empty headed, curly haired blonde (in A's own words, she "was pretty much the total opposite of me", where me of course is A). So, A asked me (in the dream), "So, how long have you two been dating?" and my response was "Oh, about a month..." which, in the dream, made her "infuriated or something", because I'd withheld that from her/not told her/whatever. Shortly after that, she woke up feeling upset, and after thinking about the dream, was still upset.

Now, this whole time she's been trying to play it all off like it was no big deal, even once saying "I mean, I know it was just a dream and all", so, I figured, hey, a joke is definitely in order here. So I, having likewise mentally brushed everything off (meh, it was a dream, and I'm on the fence on dreams), after waiting a perfect three seconds, responded with:

"...So, I guess this is a bad time to tell you about Raquel, huh?"

A little context: the entire conversation took place while she was sitting in the Atlanta airport. I've been there, it's huge, it's noisy, there was DEFINITELY noise coming through the phone from her end... which, frankly, made the ABSOLUTE DEAD SILENCE that came through the phone after I dropped my joke all the more stunningly impressive. I honestly thought she'd hung up on me. I let it ride for a couple more seconds, then followed up with:

"Oooooh... too soon, huh?" Her immediate, succinct reply? "Yeah. Too soon."

The conversation resumed in its previous casual, friendly fashion... and then after she had to go (they'd started boarding), I had myself a rousing bout of laughing my rear off and relating this story to a good friend of mine, who likewise deeply appreciated the humor in the situation.

I'unno about you guys, but I think the healing is coming along rather well. :smallbiggrin:

[Syka]

Ignoring that it was a recent ex, pretty amusing. My friends and I are well known for doing that sort of thing to each other. Might have been too soon, but sometimes you just can't resist taking the bait.

(I've done it to Oz a couple times...actually got a good one on him a couple weeks ago...:smallamused:)

Also, Atlanta Airport terminals confuse the hell out of me. H->A->B->C->D Wth?

[MountainKing]

I honestly don't think it was "too soon" because of anything to do with our relationship. It was, in my opinion, moreso that she'd been upset about the dream, wherein I withheld something that's kind of a big deal from her, and I made a joke that fit the situation perfectly that was kind of at her expense. I'm pretty sure I don't mean much to her anymore, so I don't feel badly about it (if I did, I wouldn't laugh whenever I told the story :smallamused:).

But, if it did mean anything (the dream), or whatever, it's in her court, not mine. I did what I could; if that actually means anything to her, it's her job to actually come out and say so, not my job to drag it out of her. :smalltongue:

[Maeglin_Dubh]

Maeglin, or you can keep your head up, evaluate the warning signs and learn. :) Even if the red flags were different for each one, it's still a learning experience. The last guy I dated apparently missed the "but let each other know if we are getting involved with anyone else" part to "We're not exclusive". My first boyfriend, right before that guy, cheated on me after over 3 years because he couldn't handle the distance anymore with a girl he'd known a week and was now "in love" with. The crush before him treated me like a piece of dirt.

Current guy? No issues. Part of that I attribute to recognizing warning signs and acting appropriately. I mean..the territory does come with paranoia, but there are still good people out there. It really blows to deal with, though.

I wish you luck.
With this last one, I had a gut feeling. Odd thing is, mine are always right. I even told her best friend that I thought she was cheating on me, and with who, and her best friend didn't believe me. Turned out I was right.

Thing is, I never confronted her about my feeling, because I wanted to trust her. Which, one could technically say was a mistake in this case, but only in hindsight. Trusting her wasn't necessarily the wrong thing to do, it just turned out I was trusting the wrong person.


Maeglin_Dubh

sometimes you just have a run of bad luck. As syka said - keep an eye out for those warning signs. Without knowing more about each relationship i cant give more indepth advice

its a case you live/you learn. One thing about growing up is learning to call a relationship off before it gets to the stage of resentment/wanting something else. Or it may just be that you go for a particular type of girl prone to such behavior

i know after 3 it must be hard not to take it personal, but the next lass you date, if you are concerned things arnt going in a positive direction then swing by and im sure we will all be willing to help you as and when we can

Well, a few more than three. I've dated four, and had a couple others do their level best to try and screw with my head, including one who threatened suicide if I didn't leave the girl I was dating for her.

It's actually a running joke in my family that I attract crazy people. If it weren't apparently true, it would be funnier.

[ForzaFiori]

It's actually a running joke in my family that I attract crazy people. If it weren't apparently true, it would be funnier.

I have a friend with almost the same problem, except when she starts dating them, they're sane, and then they seem to GO crazy.

So it could be worse. You could drive people insane instead of just finding them that way.

[Superglucose]

Not to be a pessimist, Supes, but if things fall through with Red and you get all bummed about it, I just want it to be known that if you fail to report so by telling us that you "picked a Hell of a day to quit drinking", I will be sorely disappointed. :smallamused: Jest though I might, good luck!
When was the last time a girl saw a guy at a bar and then later connected with him on Facebook?

I *am* going to be pessimistic here: I met a smoking hotty, I chatted her and her parents up with that "confidant" thing you all keep telling me works so well, and at the first opportunity tried to reconnect with her. I'd still give it 100:1 odds I never see or hear from her again.

So in that regard, I picked a helluva day to stop sniffing glue :smallwink:

[xPANCAKEx]

Well, a few more than three. I've dated four, and had a couple others do their level best to try and screw with my head, including one who threatened suicide if I didn't leave the girl I was dating for her.

It's actually a running joke in my family that I attract crazy people. If it weren't apparently true, it would be funnier.

for the sake of your own emotional well being, the minute someone plays the crazy card, you cut them off.

[MountainKing]

When was the last time a girl saw a guy at a bar and then later connected with him on Facebook?

I *am* going to be pessimistic here: I met a smoking hotty, I chatted her and her parents up with that "confidant" thing you all keep telling me works so well, and at the first opportunity tried to reconnect with her. I'd still give it 100:1 odds I never see or hear from her again.

So in that regard, I picked a helluva day to stop sniffing glue :smallwink:

Aww, that's another quality one. Very nice. :smallsmile: All the same, good luck!

[skywalker]

and a further point - if you see an item of clothing on someone that you really like dont be afraid to ask "hey, those are nice ***** where did you get them?" - people will appreciate the compliment and usually be pretty helpful (such as telling you when they bought it, so you'll know if its going to be out of season)

I do this. Funny story about that...

I was walking through Disney World with my ex-girlfriend in the last days of May of 09, and it was almost Gay Days (first couple days of June), so we figured we might see some guys doing their thang, right? And her best friend (very gay) had asked us to get him a souvenir. So we're looking, looking, looking, and I see a guy wearing a massive purple velour hat with a leopard-print band. And I walk up to him, and I say "Dude, I love your hat, where'd you get it?"
Him:"Hahaha, I got it in Knoxville, Tennessee."
Me:"NO SH**! I'M from Knoxville, Tennessee!"
Him:"haha, yeah right." and he walks off.
So I went after him, and
Me: "No, seriously, I'm really from Knoxville. Where'd you get that damned hat?!"
Him: "Oh, seriously? Uh... World Grotto, like 4 years ago."
Me: "That store is awesome, thank you for finally believing me." (I added "jerk" in my mind)

[Coidzor]

for the sake of your own emotional well being, the minute someone plays the crazy card, you cut them off.

Yeah, this. I don't particularly feel like waiting for someone's schizophrenia to finally lead to them attacking me or becoming a useless wretch entirely.

[Keld Denar]

for the sake of your own emotional well being, the minute someone plays the crazy card, you cut them off.

And if cutting them off doesn't help, file for an anti-harrasment order. They are a bit of a pain to get, but worth every hour sitting in the courthouse waiting for your paperwork to get filed.

Trust me!

[xPANCAKEx]

responding to the crazy card only feeds someones desire for attention - dont get drawn into the trap, regardless of whatever self-harm they threaten. Its not your job to play councillor.

might be a bit cold and heartless, but rising above the guilt trips is a better way forward

[Pheehelm]

Maeglin -- how are you meeting these girls? What draws you to them? Aside from the obvious craziness and infidelity, what all do they have in common? Your experiences could very well be nothing more than a string of bad luck like everyone else is saying, but I just can't help but wonder if there's some pattern here that bears identifying.



Offhand, I have an old textbook here with a few guidelines for avoiding affairs. It's not terribly comprehensive, but I might copy it over into RWA some time...

[Maeglin_Dubh]

Maeglin -- how are you meeting these girls? What draws you to them? Aside from the obvious craziness and infidelity, what all do they have in common? Your experiences could very well be nothing more than a string of bad luck like everyone else is saying, but I just can't help but wonder if there's some pattern here that bears identifying.



Offhand, I have an old textbook here with a few guidelines for avoiding affairs. It's not terribly comprehensive, but I might copy it over into RWA some time...

First one I met at the end of summer at camp one year. I had worked there, and when I left she was showing up with another group. She got my email from one of the other workers, got in touch with me, and we wound up dating for about three months. She left me for a guy at school.

Second one I also met at camp, and then she started going to my school. We started going out, she revealed that she used to do marijuana, but gave it up when we started dating. We stopped dating for the summer, so I wouldn't get fired, she goes and kisses another guy at the mall (we weren't technically dating, so not necessarily a big deal) and then when summer was over, started slipping back into the marijuana and saying that if I didn't start dating her again, she'd go right back to it. I declined.

Third one I met at a birthday party. We started dating shortly before I went to college, and we dated for about 18 months. She broke up with me over IM, and was dating the guy who recommended she do it within a month.

Last one I met at a Dagorhir event, and I offered to teach her archery. This went on for a while, and the first time she kissed me at an event, I specifically told her not to do it again. I was her teacher, and we would leave it at that. Five months later, we shared a couch at an event, and that pretty well shot the student/teacher relationship. Seven months later, she starts cheating on me, on her birthday, the day after I spent about four hours driving (both ways, with some extra for a trip out to a waterfall) to visit her.


No real discernable pattern, that I'm aware of, except that all the girls I've dated are girls who pursued me, and all the girls I've pursued haven't dated me.

[Keld Denar]

Ok...got the ribs slathered in BBQ and foiled up in the fridge. When I get home from work tomorrow, I can pop them right in the oven so they'll be ready to broil when she shows up at my place. I also spent half of the night cleaning my apartment. I picked up a 4-pack of guiness so we can compare that with the one my buddy brought over from Ireland, since she really likes guiness. I also got 2 different bottles of red wine (a Cab and a Pinot Noir), in case she wants some with the ribs. I also have salad ready to go, and everything for us to make Kaiserschmarrn together for dessert, complete with cinnamon applesause.

I'm so ready for this date! Woooohoooo!!!!!

[Klose_the_Sith]

Just a quick question, how reasonable is it to suspect that something's going on between two people where them having some sort of relationship would incite, nay, demand a soap opera-esque twist ending?

Just because one of my friends (we'll call her 'Snakebite') has taken a new job on the recommendation of another friend (called 'Jacket') and since then the two have been very close. This includes some common signs of flirting, such as excessive playful touching of each other, taking each others things, playfighting a lot, etc.

At the same time, I noticed the other day that she was wearing his Hammer of Thor pendant that he got overseas and loves dearly. She got really defensive when I pointed it out.

It's entirely likely that I'm just paranoid, so I come to the fine denizens of this thread once more - is it possible that I'm not entirely crazy?

Oh p.s. - my own relationship couldn't be better :smallbiggrin:

[MountainKing]

Sounds like he's hot for teacher, alright. Or, she's a rabid kleptomaniac. I'll leave that one up to you.

[YPU]

Since you guys enjoy staying informed, I thought you would appreciate an update.

My girlfriend has gotten a lot closer to a school related job, at a place that seems to really suit her. She will have a test day this Friday and then if everybody is happy she will get the job.

I have to say the mood she is in now does do me a lot of good as well. I guess it proves how hard it can be when both sides of a relationship are down for a while at the same time. And how much it helps if one of them is not.

I even went as far to go shoe shopping with her, go figure.
In any case, for now everything is good, I just hope she does indeed get the job and doesn't get turned down Friday.

[xPANCAKEx]

Klose_the_Sith

just tease them about it (seperately, not when they're together) and the truth will eventually come out

sounds like something is going on, but i guess you never can tell

Maeglin_Dubh

next girl you date, ask your mutual friends about them first before taking it too far. That may sound a tad over-the-top but, given your run of bad luck, you could be justified in saying "anything i need to worry about - after my previous run of luck with girls im worried the next one will be an axe murderer or something" - some humour to defuse the situation and get the "yeah shes fine/no, steer clear" you'll need

edit: only ask one or two mutual friends. If you ask everyone that may know something then it will look like you're damaged goods and afraid to try without knowing everything (and those type of people just arnt fun to date)

[Serpentine]

Klose_the_Sith

just tease them about it (seperately, not when they're together) and the truth will eventually come outI dunno... That could cause them to get embarassed and clamp down. Not sure what the alternative would be.

[Superglucose]

Klose, I guess I don't know why you care?

[Malfunctioned]

Okay guys, remember that girl I mentioned earlier? The one who I was going to a club with? I just been told that she has been asking a couple of mutual friends a load of questions about me. This is most likely a good thing. Unfortunatly I can't go to a party of one of these mutual friends on Monday because my one week of work starts on the Monday and I would have to be there for 9:30 on Tuesday morning. Yay for children's summer schemes....:smallannoyed:. This information has come from an incredibly pessimistic, cynical, sarcastic and nihilistic friend who is also one of the most trustworthy people I know. So I'm getting some good feelings from this.

TL/DR: THINGS ARE GETTING GOOD. :smallsmile:

[Klose_the_Sith]

Klose, I guess I don't know why you care?

Cause like I said, it'd be a soap opera-esque revelation, as he's already with one of my friends and she's friends with said significant other.

Although mostly it's curiosity. I noticed something and wondered about it, then it just started niggling at me whenever I saw one of them. Curiosity might seem like a weak justification, but weak justifications are all I have. Klose has little to no self control, especially when he's curious.

[Zeb The Troll]

It's entirely likely that I'm just paranoid, so I come to the fine denizens of this thread once more - is it possible that I'm not entirely crazy?It is not only possible, but probable by the sounds of it. If I saw what you're describing, I'd definitely think there was something going on. It's a shame that there's another relationship involved.

Depending on how well I know everyone involved, I might be inclined to talk to Guy and say something like "I don't know what's going on between you and NotGF, and I don't want to know. But I can tell you it looks like something going on, and if you care at all about CurrentGF, you may want to address that before doing something you'll come to regret later. All I'm gonna say about it. *shoulder slap* Want a beer while I'm going to get one for me?"

[Superglucose]

Cause like I said, it'd be a soap opera-esque revelation, as he's already with one of my friends and she's friends with said significant other.

Although mostly it's curiosity. I noticed something and wondered about it, then it just started niggling at me whenever I saw one of them. Curiosity might seem like a weak justification, but weak justifications are all I have. Klose has little to no self control, especially when he's curious.
Yeah see, this is going to explode. Explosions cause collateral damage. You don't want to be part of the collateral, so my advice, and yes, my advice, unsolicited, is to stay away. Hell, when it happens and people are like "So did you hear?..." you should be like, "No way, really?!"

[Maeglin_Dubh]

Klose_the_Sith
Maeglin_Dubh

next girl you date, ask your mutual friends about them first before taking it too far. That may sound a tad over-the-top but, given your run of bad luck, you could be justified in saying "anything i need to worry about - after my previous run of luck with girls im worried the next one will be an axe murderer or something" - some humour to defuse the situation and get the "yeah shes fine/no, steer clear" you'll need

edit: only ask one or two mutual friends. If you ask everyone that may know something then it will look like you're damaged goods and afraid to try without knowing everything (and those type of people just arnt fun to date)

Tried that Fall semester. The friends thought things would be fine. And then I got the God Card played on me. (The one that reads "Play on any interested individual in response to a request for a date of any sort. Negate that request. As an additional cost to play this card, use religious language in your refusal to obfuscate your true issues.)

So that hasn't even worked out.

[Keld Denar]

Holy crap....

If a date could go completely 100% perfect, this one just did. She came over, showed up early, and we sat and chatted a ton while the ribs continued to bake in the oven. We sampled the irish guiness, and the american guiness, and I must say, I personally think it tastes different. Irish guiness was smoother, but more mild. American guiness was more bitter. Still, it was fun to be all beer-snobby about it with her and talk about all the tastes and whatnot. Then dinner almost finished, so we made a salad quick and ate that while the ribs broiled. That finished quick and I pulled the ribs out and put them on a nice serving tray while we finished our salads and I opened a bottle of Pinot Noir. The ribs were DELICIOUS, and so tender you could pull it off the bone with a fork. We devoured most of it, but I still ended up with some leftover to take to work tomorrow for lunch. Then we made Kaiserschmarrn with applesause, something she had never ever had before. It was kinda fun to make it together, and we even had to work together to figure out how much 200 mL is in american cups, since the packaging is all written in german. After we got it made and divided up and slathered in applesause, she started asking about the Dominion game I had sitting on the floor in my living room. I told her it was easy to learn and a ton of fun, if she wanted to learn, so we sat and ate Kaiserschmarrn while I tought her how to play. It was a blast. She caught on quickly, and even beat me the first game. The second I completely kicked her butt, like, 45 to 8. The third, now that she had the hang of the game, ended up really close. I could have ended it with a tie, but I had enough extra money and buys to beat her by 1 single point. It was ok, though, since I got my victory kiss.

It was pretty much perfect. Everything went amazingly. I'm seeing her again on Friday for a big bonfire with a big group of our friends, which should be fun, I'm helping her move on Monday or Tuesday, and we have plans to go hiking on Mt. Catherine the Sunday after this one with friends. I'm totally geeked about this girl, and she seems totally geeked about me. The last girl I was with, I felt a lot of bad feelings between us because she wasn't very smart and often asked me lots of dumb questions over and over again, refusing to think for herself. This girl is amazingly smart, beautiful, has a great job and a great education, is actually my own age (I've been dating mostly older girls lately...they are at different stages in life!), is beautiful, and smiles a lot.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :smallbiggrin:

[Superglucose]

Gratz to Keld!

[Maeglin_Dubh]

Keld wins an internet.

He's either a lucky man, or a great writer of fiction.

Either one is worth a win.

[Coidzor]

tl;dr. I'm assuming Keld got laid by triplets here, and enjoying the warm fuzzy feeling that gives my soul.

[Maeglin_Dubh]

tl;dr. I'm assuming Keld got laid by triplets here, and enjoying the warm fuzzy feeling that gives my soul.

Close enough.

[Superglucose]

tl;dr. I'm assuming Keld got laid by triplets here, and enjoying the warm fuzzy feeling that gives my soul.
Incest gives you a warm fuzzy feeling?

[Coidzor]

Incest gives you a warm fuzzy feeling?
:smalltongue: Yes. Yes, that's exactly what about it that gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.

[rakkoon]

Go Keld!

Hmm, girlfriends going insane after you date them... I was with a girl once who begged me not to turn gay after her. It happened with her last two boyfriends and she was getting a bit depressed by that.

And I did meet my wife at a mentally challenged military camp...does that count?

[Coidzor]

And I did meet my wife at a mentally challenged military camp...does that count?

This statement boggles my mind. :smallconfused:

[rakkoon]

Mmm, phrased it better, I have could. But it makes a great intro at parties!

It was a military camp. They had a group of mentally challenged people staying there for a holiday. Me and my (future) wife were part of the people responsible for that group.

[Rawhide]

Mmm, phrased it better, I have could. But it makes a great intro at parties!

It was a military camp. They had a group of mentally challenged people staying there for a holiday. Me and my (future) wife were part of the people responsible for that group.

I thought you phrased it perfectly. Well, I did until you said the (obviously incorrect) implication wasn't your intent.

[Coidzor]

Mmm, phrased it better, I have could. But it makes a great intro at parties!

It was a military camp. They had a group of mentally challenged people staying there for a holiday. Me and my (future) wife were part of the people responsible for that group.


I thought you phrased it perfectly. Well, I did until you said the (obviously incorrect) implication wasn't your intent.

I'm mostly confused as to how that sort of thing could/would/does happen.

[Superglucose]

I thought you phrased it perfectly. Well, I did until you said the (obviously incorrect) implication wasn't your intent.
I think you are now my favorite mod. Ever.

[rakkoon]

Well Coidzor,

The guests go to bed at 10pm, after that me and two girls went to an empty building elsewhere on the base with our sleeping bags. Me and the future Misses rakkoon held hands all night till 20 minutes before we had to wake the guests. Actually creeping back to the other barack unnoticed was fun.
Just lucky that other girl with us spoke a dialect of which I understood absolutely nothing so that us rakkoons got some quality time.
We kissed two weeks later,
moved in two years later,
married two years after that and have two puppies at the moment.

Rawhide...:smallbiggrin:

[absolmorph]

I think you are now my favorite mod. Ever.
As well as mine.

On the topic of the thread...
I'm in a weird place with my girlfriend. We're happy together. We both like each other a lot. However, my last relationship ended badly and this has left me cautious (I screwed up royally and don't want to hurt a girl like that again). We've been dating for just about 3 months (it'll be three in a week). We're both in high school. None of these facts I've listed are a problem.
The problem is that she told me she thinks she might be in love with me. This scares me, partly because it's incredibly hard to control my own desire to say I love her (which pushed along the mistakes with the last one) and partly because I'm absolutely terrified that I'll hurt her feelings.
That fear is amplified by the fact that the only other guy she dated broke up with her, said he wanted to get back together with her, then broke up with her the next day (or soon after); this left her pretty hurt until I came along.
NOTE: If anyone remembers, the guy is the same one who got pissed at me for not telling him we were dating right after he had a short relationship with her best friend. Which she, to my knowledge, has never heard about. Yeah.

I gave her a fairly detailed explanation of why I'm cautious about saying I love her (which basically boils down to "I don't want to lie"), and she said she doesn't want me to "unless [I'm] serious", but I'm still a bit worried.

[Superglucose]

My advice is chill. Taking things cautiously is never a problem, and she sounds ok with it. Reaffirm, next time, that you definitely care for and about her and that you really enjoy being with her.

[Eadin]

I think you are now my favorite mod. Ever.

he's my favorite too
we should start a Rawhide-fanclub

And Abso: Take a deep breath
You'll know when it's real

[Pheehelm]

Three months is a tad early for L-bombing, so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

If you don't mind my asking...can either of you say you've seen the other at their worst?

[Superglucose]

You'll know when it's real
Wendy's? :smallyuk: Blech. I hate fast food

[Eadin]

Wendy's? :smallyuk: Blech. I hate fast food

what does wendy's have to do with feeling being real?
Also, what's Wendy's?

[Tiger Duck]

Wendy's is a fast food place and "You'll know when it's real" is presumably their slogan.

[Superglucose]

Wendy's is an American fastfood chain with the slogan "You know when it's real."

[Eadin]

it doesn't sound very fast food-ish...
especially the slogan

[Superglucose]

*shrugs* I dunno, it's just what their slogan is.

[absolmorph]

My advice is chill. Taking things cautiously is never a problem, and she sounds ok with it. Reaffirm, next time, that you definitely care for and about her and that you really enjoy being with her.
That's essentially what I planned.


he's my favorite too
we should start a Rawhide-fanclub

And Abso: Take a deep breath
You'll know when it's real
A Rawhide fanclub would be awesome.

I'm doing my best to remain calm about it, but GAAAAAH I'm not used to worrying about stuff >.<


Three months is a tad early for L-bombing, so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

If you don't mind my asking...can either of you say you've seen the other at their worst?
She hasn't seen me at my worst (I work really hard to keep my temper under control). I don't know if I've seen her at hers; I don't think so, at least.

Thanks for helping me stay calm, guys ^.^

[Superglucose]

I'm going to jump in and say that I do tend to love people really quick. And I don't mean say "I love you" before I mean it, but honestly find that I love pretty much anyone I meet. It's a default reaction, as it were. Most don't get it and it is quite dangerous, but it's how I was raised.

That being said, I have only truly felt loved twice in my life. There... is no describing it. I can't even say that you'll know for sure. I didn't, at least not at first because both times I was too overwhelmed with the bull going on in my life and the crap that was being dumped on my plate to recognize how *there* someone was being for me.

[Malfunctioned]

I'll just drop in to say that the only time I knew that I was in love, and that it was reciprocated, was with T a short period of time after I cheated on her after three months. I think it was the fact that me being physically close to someone else and not feeling that same kind of connection that I did with her kind of made me realise. Of course that feeling was definitely not the only element, she was also the first person that I told about my depression and was the first person, and for a long time the only person, that I could actually explain the reasons behind me being messed-up.

Of course the event that lead to me actually discovering my true feelings also lead to the eventual break-up of the relationship a year later. But all I can say is that it was good whilst it lasted.

[Pyrian]

it doesn't sound very fast food-ish...
especially the sloganYeah. It's an advertising conceit much more than any sort of practical reality.


And I don't mean say "I love you" before I mean it, but honestly find that I love pretty much anyone I meet.I'm having an Up flashback, here. "I just met you and I love you!" :smallbiggrin:

[Superglucose]

I'm having an Up flashback, here. "I just met you and I love you!" :smallbiggrin:
Yes, my emotional array is approximately that of a golden retriever :smallannoyed:

The worst part is, you meant it as a joke but most of the fools out there take it as me being needy or clingy. I'm sorry I give a damn about you as a human being. Oh wait, no I'm not! The fastest way into my doghouse, as it were, is to reject the fact that I care for you as something that it's not. Yes, I'd like to see you happy ('you' being a general term for everyone). If you've got a problem with that, you're not worth my time. Bye. Later. I don't need anyone who's going to actively work against any attempt I make to make their lives a bit easier and a bit more enjoyable.

[Pyrian]

Superglucose, you're working inside a world chock-full of marketers, advertisers, and proselytizers of many stripes who make their entire living pretending to be interested in the well-being of their marks. The very first reaction of virtually anybody to unsolicited help is highly likely to be extreme suspicion, and that's even more true if they don't see your angle, your benefit, because they're just going to assume there still is one and that you need to hide it for some reason.

[Eadin]

Maybe you just feel very strongly about them

[skywalker]

We sampled the irish guiness, and the american guiness, and I must say, I personally think it tastes different. Irish guiness was smoother, but more mild. American guiness was more bitter.

First mistake was bottled Guinness. I've never had Irish bottled Guinness, but American bottled Guinness tastes terrible. I theorize it's the long journey to the states (your friend's duty-free was probably newer than what you can buy anywhere here in the states).


Keld wins an internet.

He's either a lucky man, or a great writer of fiction.

Either one is worth a win.

"Winternet?"


I think you are now my favorite mod. Ever.

Not a mod.


Three months is a tad early for L-bombing, so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

If you don't mind my asking...can either of you say you've seen the other at their worst?

I disagree. I've never been with someone who I couldn't definitively say I loved after 3 months.


Yes, my emotional array is approximately that of a golden retriever :smallannoyed:

You mean it's bad to be compared to Dug?

Oh.

Oh no...

[Superglucose]

Superglucose, you're working inside a world chock-full of marketers, advertisers, and proselytizers of many stripes who make their entire living pretending to be interested in the well-being of their marks. The very first reaction of virtually anybody to unsolicited help is highly likely to be extreme suspicion, and that's even more true if they don't see your angle, your benefit, because they're just going to assume there still is one and that you need to hide it for some reason.
Yup. I know this. My friends are the ones who have seen that I'm not pretending.

[Pyrian]

How many of them have sent their bank account information to that nice gentleman in Nigeria who wants to give them his inheritance? :smallcool:

...Look, I'm just trying to say that just because somebody doesn't necessarily welcome your help at any given moment doesn't mean you have to kick them out of your life with extreme prejudice. Because that's what you described here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=8982678#post8982678) and it came across as being very snobbish. :smalltongue:

[Superglucose]

apparently this is going for the jugular. Apologies.

[Bacon Barbarian]

So ... What do you do when your not over someone, but their over you?

[Syka]

Oz and I l-bombed within a month; Ex and I within 3. I'd have to say I definitely knew within 3 months both times. Seeing as both relationships both last 3+ years, I don't think I was mistaken, especially given that I don't just drop the L word in response to anyone (last guy I dated said it, I didn't).



Anyway, world just imploded over here. Oz screwed up pretty bad- not really in what precipitated it (though bad, not earth shattering), but in his response. It was way out of line. On top of this, my mom is also pissed at him and...I'm not really sure how she'll feel towards him in the long run. I mean, I'll probably not be happy-happy for a while, but I'm not going to just hold it against him since I know he IS sorry. Once the feelings of hurt have subsided, I'll be fine. Her...I'm not so sure.

This sucks. :smallfrown:

[Keld Denar]

First mistake was bottled Guinness. I've never had Irish bottled Guinness, but American bottled Guinness tastes terrible. I theorize it's the long journey to the states (your friend's duty-free was probably newer than what you can buy anywhere here in the states).

Technically, it wasn't bottled. It was canned. I dunno if thats strictly better or worse, since its been a while since I've had bottled guiness, or any guiness period, so I was mostly going on difference of taste between the two.

Can't wait to hang out with her tomorrow. It'll be our first time hanging out together, with others around, since we started dating. And VOLLEYBALL!

[Superglucose]

Anyway, world just imploded over here. Oz screwed up pretty bad- not really in what precipitated it (though bad, not earth shattering), but in his response. It was way out of line. On top of this, my mom is also pissed at him and...I'm not really sure how she'll feel towards him in the long run. I mean, I'll probably not be happy-happy for a while, but I'm not going to just hold it against him since I know he IS sorry. Once the feelings of hurt have subsided, I'll be fine. Her...I'm not so sure.

This sucks. :smallfrown:
I think that perhaps your mom needs to realize that if you can get over it, then she should get over it. And if she's anything like you, then I suspect that she'll realize this.

EDIT:

Trivia Night at a bar with friends in a college town... good chance at cute, smart girls. I'm down, and I'm the DD. And the house is mine alone :smallamused:

Here's hoping this goes well! Also I'd like to add that I'm a bit concerned that my friend's flatmate likes me... because I don't really like her. Oh well, I'll just assume the answer is the normal answer (lolno) and carry on!

[MountainKing]

Technically, it wasn't bottled. It was canned. I dunno if thats strictly better or worse, since its been a while since I've had bottled guiness, or any guiness period, so I was mostly going on difference of taste between the two.

Can't wait to hang out with her tomorrow. It'll be our first time hanging out together, with others around, since we started dating. And VOLLEYBALL!

Oh God man, never ever ever drink canned. Bleeeeh. Spring for bottled next time! :smallfrown:

Also, Superglucose, speaking as a fellow emotional person, who likely also wears their hearts on their sleeves, I would like to say that, while yeah, Pyrian's being a little cynical about it, he does have a slight point. It CAN be hard to just accept that somebody is genuinely a nice person, especially if one has been kind of burned in the past, or has had friends who've been burned that way. I won't claim to know anything about your experiences, but, maybe you're being a little too aggressive about how you react to people who don't believe you?

[Superglucose]

Are you saying I should be friends with people who think I'm fake? :smallconfused:

[xPANCAKEx]

syka - what id oz actually do?

[snoopy13a]

Oh God man, never ever ever drink canned. Bleeeeh. Spring for bottled next time! :smallfrown:



Canned Guinness isn't exactly canned Beast Lite. Guinness used to sell:

1) Guinness extra stout in bottles
2) Guinness draught in cans as they needed a widget-thingie in order to preserve the head. So Guinness in a can wasn't a bad thing and it used to be the closest one could get to draft Guinness from kegs. One is supposed to pour the beer into a glass and is not supposed to drink from the can.

In the last couple of years, Guinness was able to add the widget-thingie to bottles. One drinks directly from the bottle.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Widget_(beer)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guinness#Varieties

[Superglucose]

So looks like no trivia. Superglucose is a sad monosaccharide.

[MountainKing]

Are you saying I should be friends with people who think I'm fake? :smallconfused:

In a word, yeah. I am. If you're not willing to deal with the fact that we live in a day and age where, frankly, people are hard to believe, and step up and just be consistent in the face of doubt, then what do you expect?

I mean, if it were myself, and you presented yourself as... well, yourself, I'd immediately have misgivings. I'd hang out, sure, but I wouldn't just implicitly trust you. But, if in the face of that distrust, you just dropped off the radar without even so much as an "Eff off, dude.", then you can bet your arse I'd believe I was right about not trusting you.

It's an unfortunate statement about society at large, but, people being fake is *common*. It's an expectation, unspoken or otherwise.

[Bacon Barbarian]

In a word, yeah. I am. If you're not willing to deal with the fact that we live in a day and age where, frankly, people are hard to believe, and step up and just be consistent in the face of doubt, then what do you expect?

I mean, if it were myself, and you presented yourself as... well, yourself, I'd immediately have misgivings. I'd hang out, sure, but I wouldn't just implicitly trust you. But, if in the face of that distrust, you just dropped off the radar without even so much as an "Eff off, dude.", then you can bet your arse I'd believe I was right about not trusting you.

It's an unfortunate statement about society at large, but, people being fake is *common*. It's an expectation, unspoken or otherwise.

I dont think so. In general sure, but who doesnt have a close friend tat they know they can trust?

[arguskos]

I dont think so. In general sure, but who doesnt have a close friend tat they know they can trust?
...MK isn't arguing that point. He's saying that MOST people aren't like that, the vast majority of human beings are not that person. He's then saying that Supes stated position of "if you don't believe me, then I just walk away from the relationship" earlier seems a bit harsh in this light.

Note: I make no judgments about anything said. Just trying to clarify a little.

[Serpentine]

Screw it. I don't have to explain myself to Pyrian. He's decided what he's going to decide. Sure, it's a gross misreading of what I'm saying. Sure his manner of responding is highly insulting (especially comparing me to Dug and telling me my friends are the kind who freely give away their bank accounts). But whatever.Whoa, hyperdefensiveness much? Pyrian is just trying to demonstrate to you that these people you are so quick to judge and discard have their own reasons and points of view that perhaps might be worth your while taking into account. What you take as being "highly insulting" is nothing more than a humorous jab to make a point. Seriously mate, chill the frick out. You're doing it again.

[Superglucose]

Pyrian is just trying to demonstrate to you that these people you are so quick to judge and discard have their own reasons and points of view that perhaps might be worth your while taking into account. What you take as being "highly insulting" is nothing more than a humorous jab to make a point.
Pyrian saw the first jab land poorly and his immediate thought was to take another. That's pretty damn rude.

And yes, I will discard and avoid people who call me fake. I don't have the time or desire to show them that I'm wrong. Oh, and we're not talking about an instantaneous "Oh you don't implicitly trust me immediately" we're talking about people who go out of their way to point out how I am being fake, when I am not.

If you think I mean "Omg after one hangout you're not spilling your life secrets oh dear god never talk to you again" may I submit that you read it horribly wrong?

[Keld Denar]

Well, the guiness my buddy got me was in a can, so I figured that in order to remain objective, I'd have to buy american guiness in a can. Can't have more than one variable, or the equation becomes impossible to solve! Is it the country of origin? Or the can/bottle difference that is really the culprit?

Anyway...yea...

[Serpentine]

Fine, but don't be rude when someone expresses their opinion that they think that isn't a very good course. I happen to agree: I think that's a terrible idea. But your response to someone's attempt to give you good advice is even worse, and the attitude this reflects is something I urge you to work on because it is very unpleasant.

The comment about Dug seemed both apt and amusing, as well as being far from insulting (I love Dug). The one about the bank accounts was also pointed and appropriate to the context of suggesting that you have unreasonable expectations of gullibility in your friends.

If you can't take criticism, then that is the first place you most badly need to do it yourself.

[Superglucose]

Since there is reading comprehension fail going on here, let me start again:

I find that I approach everyone from a standpoint of love. I care about people as a general thing, and I care about people I'm close to.

What drives me nuts more than anything on earth is when people assume that's fake, and don't give me a chance to show that it's not. But people who don't give me a chance don't deserve a chance.

Does that clarify it? Or are my friends still gullible?

It was never a question of how gullible people are. It is simply that there are a lot of people who will never give me the chance because they see me and assume I am fake, that I am hiding something. Well I'm not, but I've made my peace: I can met people halfway (and FREQUENTLY do), and have a very good core group of friends and fringe folks. People open up to me, frequently, and that doesn't make them gullible. Nor do I expect them to be gullible, nor do I see how you could possibly get that conclusion from me saying that I hate people who accuse me of being fake.

And you're right, I'm terrible at taking criticism I don't deserve. When you rip into me for something I didn't say or something I've never done, then I end up pissed because you aren't being fair to me.

[Serpentine]

Yep, that makes more sense. It doesn't justify your assault on Pyrian, but it does seem to annul some of the things he was concerned about.

edit: No, from what I've seen here, you're just flat-out bad at taking criticism, and go out of your way to find it where there isn't any.

[Superglucose]

What "assault" on Pyrian?

[Serpentine]

This, for starters:
Screw it. I don't have to explain myself to Pyrian. He's decided what he's going to decide. Sure, it's a gross misreading of what I'm saying. Sure his manner of responding is highly insulting (especially comparing me to Dug and telling me my friends are the kind who freely give away their bank accounts). But whatever.If you'd just said what you have now, you'd be golden, but instead you decided to go for his jugular.

[Superglucose]

In response to his second tactless joke, when the first one obviously annoyed me.

[Serpentine]

I don't have anything more to say on this subject that I haven't already, to whit: I found those cracks to be apt, amusing, pointed in their context and not nearly as insulting as you seem determined to find them. But this is a very disturbing habit you have, and you have done it repeatedly.

[Superglucose]

Fine. I defend myself overly much. Call it a product of my time on the internet.

I'm sorry Pyrian, I snapped. Can you lay off the jokes about this? They're extremely hurtful, especially the implication that my friends are gullible idiots. They happen to be some of the brightest folks around, and I don't take insults to them lightly at all (well except IonDragon).

It doesn't matter if you found them witty or apt. The first was unwelcome, and so he made another.

[Pheehelm]

Syka -- I remember regarding Oz you mentioned a time constraint on L-bombing, what with the "we're about to be long-distance." Dunno about Ex. In any case, I didn't mean to imply "if you say it within three months you're doomed/merely overwhelmed by hormones/whatever," just that, in my observations, it's somewhat earlier than usual, and he's not exactly lagging behind schedule. Looking back at my earlier post, though, I guess I came across that way. Part of it's what I asked absolmorph back there - it's easy to conclude you love someone when they're putting on their best face for you, but how you feel about the other person at the inevitable low points is just so crucial. I'm not interested in judging whether or not three months is long enough for that for an individual couple, though.

Also: :smalleek:


Superglucose -- What is it you do to make people happy? How soon after meeting them/how well do you know them when do you start? What constitutes not giving you a chance? Like, if you encounter someone who's generally more wary and reserved, and they pass on giving you a chance early on in the acquaintance, do you write them off right then? Or what?

[Superglucose]

It's much more general than that. There are people who hold you at bay because they're just not open people. I understand them completely. I actually have an acquaintance who's like that, and while I can't really call her a friend (because I know nothing about her, see that she's closed off) I have no problems hanging out with her and in fact enjoy doing so.

The difference is intuitive, but it comes from the people who say "Oh, he's clingy." The people who are scared off, as in, they see that I'm open and so they move away rather than just seeing that I'm open and accepting that as part of who I am.

Suffice to say there are people who are closed off, and then there are people who are closed off because they believe I am fake.

[Innis Cabal]

Some people take alot of time to open up. Some people have been burned so many times it really is just better not opening up so you don't get hurt again. Is that a good solution? Naw...not really, but its something those sorts of people have to work on. Cutting them out of your life, or calling them not a friend because they simply are unable to open to you the same way you are to them...that's more then harsh. Even if its a thing that takes a short amount of time, sometime's the time your willing to give them isn't enough. It takes years to fully get over the sorts of things that would make someone like that.

I really don't post or lurk here often, but I happened to catch this bit, and went through it. Sometimes, the best thing to do with those sorts of people are to let you know your there if they need them but back off. Don't push them out of your life. Don't take the stance their not worth your time (because that comes off more then a little arrogant). Your only going to prove them right, that you were going to hurt them at some point if your so willing to drop them like that. And that will compact both your problems and theirs.

[Pheehelm]

I edited my post to add a little more. Dunno if you saw. *ahem* All right, that's fair. Now...as people have been saying, there are a lot of fakers in the world. What, objectively speaking, is it about you that these people you write off ("people who don't give me a chance don't deserve a chance") ought to observe about you that demonstrates your sincerity, that they instead ignore when they wrongly dismiss you as fake/clingy/needy?

[Superglucose]

I'm talking about the ones who lash out rather than the ones who stay closed. J stays closed, I don't push. She and I are; consequently, not close.

As for what I "do," I'm pretty much always available and pretty much ready to do anything. If they need help or just want to hang out, I'm open and ready.

As for what the lashing out looks like, well there was the spreading of the lies from one ex. That was fun. And there was the whole avoid me for three months of another person... the make fun of me behind my back of the third, etc. etc. And the thing is when it comes back to me why they did it, it's like, "They think you're fake because you're always so available." Hell, I've had people turned off of me simply because of how quickly I respond to emails (almost instantly since whenever I'm on the internet (pretty much of the time) I have gmail open). It's the people like that I don't want to be around.

And it's especially the people who respond to me saying "You know I generally love people" with "no you don't." That's the best of them all... especially "You don't really know what love is."

[Dallas-Dakota]

Trivia Night at a bar with friends in a college town... good chance at cute, smart girls. I'm down, and I'm the DD. And the house is mine alone :smallamused:
Waaaaait, what?:smallconfused: o.0
:smalltongue: Though I have honestly no idea what you're trying to say by ''I'm the DD'', apparently others do though so, ok.

[arguskos]

The phrase "I'm the DD" means "I'm the Designated Driver", ie. the guy who doesn't drink so he can drive folks home if/when they get smashed.

[Superglucose]

Waaaaait, what?:smallconfused: o.0
:smalltongue: Though I have honestly no idea what you're trying to say by ''I'm the DD'', apparently others do though so, ok.
So DD is actually short for "Designated Driver" who allows the others to get smashed.

Actually your name is funny because ther's a guy in my allegiance squad who used to be known as DareDevil, and now he goes by Wrong, and everyone calls him "DD." It's not something you want to be called XD

[Pheehelm]

I'm talking about the ones who lash out rather than the ones who stay closed....It's the people like that I don't want to be around.Aaaah. Yeah, I agree it's generally wise to avoid people like that.


Waaaaait, what?:smallconfused: o.0
:smalltongue:Well someone has to be the DD. You're over in Europe, so rather than fly you over, SG has to take over for you.

Poor guy. I don't know how he eats all those cookies...

[Superglucose]

Cookies are one of the few sweets that I still enjoy.

That being said (and YES I AM OVER HER STOP ASKING MOM lol), the main thing I miss about my ex girlfriend R is this:

Tonight we'd be lying unclothed on her bed, eating chocolate chip cookie dough, drinking blue gatorade, cuddling, and watching TNG. Oh, and cookie dough + blue gatorade is every bit as disgusting as it sounds.

EDIT: I am going to use the joke DD is Wrong quite often. So yeah, I explained it in my previous post.

[Coidzor]

Oh man. I feel sick to my stomach after listening to you describe what you were stuffing in your faces. :smallyuk:

[skywalker]

syka - what id oz actually do?

Color me curious as well. All this lack of specificity is a bit frustrating.


Canned Guinness isn't exactly canned Beast Lite. Guinness used to sell:

1) Guinness extra stout in bottles
2) Guinness draught in cans as they needed a widget-thingie in order to preserve the head. So Guinness in a can wasn't a bad thing and it used to be the closest one could get to draft Guinness from kegs. One is supposed to pour the beer into a glass and is not supposed to drink from the can.

In the last couple of years, Guinness was able to add the widget-thingie to bottles. One drinks directly from the bottle.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Widget_(beer)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guinness#Varieties

Pretty much this. Guinness Extra Stout is very, very different from Guinness, and I'm not interested, thank you very much. Pretty much any "extra" beer just thunks me in the face with the "extra-ness" of it. Give me Guinness out of the tap anywhere, it's better than what you can get bottled. Some other beers (Budweiser comes to mind) on the other hand, they taste better bottled. I'd say it's because they've perfected the formulation of flavor.


I don't have anything more to say on this subject that I haven't already, to whit: I found those cracks to be apt, amusing, pointed in their context and not nearly as insulting as you seem determined to find them. But this is a very disturbing habit you have, and you have done it repeatedly.

Dude, this is a bit harsh, nyah? What if every time you exhibited your negative habit, someone came along and made a point of it?


The difference is intuitive, but it comes from the people who say "Oh, he's clingy." The people who are scared off, as in, they see that I'm open and so they move away rather than just seeing that I'm open and accepting that as part of who I am.

It is entirely possible to be too open/accepting. There is a certain "acceptable" level, and it changes depending on the situation you're in. It is quite possible you could be overdoing it a little bit. Also, when I have days where I'd rather just be closed off, but I try to force myself into open/accepting-ness, people pick up on it and write me off.


Tonight we'd be lying unclothed on her bed, eating chocolate chip cookie dough, drinking blue gatorade, cuddling, and watching TNG. Oh, and cookie dough + blue gatorade is every bit as disgusting as it sounds.

Are you sure you're over her? Love addiction, maybe? Gatorade is a bad choice. Electrolytes and sugar late at night is just not a good decision.

Also, what channel do you watch on? UPN? WGN? BBCA?

[Serpentine]

Dude, this is a bit harsh, nyah? What if every time you exhibited your negative habit, someone came along and made a point of it?A fair cop, but if it was seriously damaging their opinion of me - and if it's something I find myself doing repeatedly - I would at least take it into account as something I need to improve on.

[Innis Cabal]

I thought it was my job to argue you over every point Serpentine. :smallfrown:

[Serpentine]

You're slacking off, Innis. It's been months since we've disagreed on anything!

[Superglucose]

Are you sure you're over her? Love addiction, maybe? Gatorade is a bad choice. Electrolytes and sugar late at night is just not a good decision.

I am serious when I say this: I have no interest in getting together with the person R is now. No interest at all. That being said, I very much miss those precious moments.



Also, what channel do you watch on? UPN? WGN? BBCA?
DVD. Her mom was on a quest to get the whole collection, and we were on a quest to watch them all.

EDIT: Meh if my foibles lower your opinion of me serp. It's not like we know each other. That's part of the difficulty you see... imagine if a stranger went up to you and blasted you for how you were upset about something.

[Innis Cabal]

You're slacking off, Innis. It's been months since we've disagreed on anything!

I mostly stay out of Friendly Banter, but I'm out there. Waiting for you.

[Serpentine]

I'll be ready =.=

[pendell]

We interrupt this thread to bring you the following special announcement.

Ladies: Want to completely ruin your man's day? Nag him. First thing in the morning before he's had his coffee. No! Even better ... First thing in the morning PERIOD, as soon as the alarm goes off and before he's even opened his eyes. He'll be grouchy and irritable to everyone he meets the rest of the day, or at least struggle really hard with it.

Now if y'all will excuse me, I'll let you get back to your thread and I'll take my killing mood to more productive pastures.

:smallannoyed:

Grumpily,

Brian P.

[Coidzor]

Now if y'all will excuse me, I'll let you get back to your thread and I'll take my killing mood to more productive pastures.

For instance, your boudoir.:smallconfused:

[pendell]

@Coidzor: I'm not quite sure what you mean by that. One lesson I've learned is that, if one is in the grips of anger, to stay away from home until I'm relatively calmed down. Getting back too quickly can mean you say or do things you have to apologize for for weeks afterwards.

I wouldn't have it out with my boss if I was mad enough with him to spit nails. My wife's more important than that! Better to get into my calm, rational, problem-solving mood to address issues first, even if that means not coming home for MANY hours. Better to be a little late and deal constructively than come home too quickly and spend weeks patching up the results of the last flareup.

Respectfully,

Brian P.

[YPU]

Pendell, I feel your pain.
My girlfriend is far more a morning person then I am, so when I wake up and my mind is only capable of producing monosyllabic thoughts she starts bombarding me with stuff she was thinking about while I was still asleep, I try but I often simply can not catch up before I had some food and coffee.

[xPANCAKEx]

i live by the rule that if you ask me anything within 20 minutes of waking me up, the answer doesnt count... especially the ones that get me in trouble for being ladden with expletives

[Syka]

The initial issue: About 2 weeks ago, we discovered our roof (less than 5 years old) is leaking in the garage. I mentioned this to Oz in a "This sucks" manner, and he offered to get up there and check it out and patch it since he's got some experience with roof's. The first time we were going to have him get up, we thought it was going to rain and weren't sure it's OK to patch in the rain. The next time he thought he'd be available, he had to work. Well...Monday, we found out a big ole storm is headed our way (for reference, we haven't had rain in my area since after we found the leak which is unusual). Tuesday and Wednesday he couldn't do it. Thursday (yesterday) he had a meeting at 3, so we arranged that AFTER the meeting he would come over.

We haven't been rushing him and we've been working around his schedule since he's doing us a favor.

Well, apparently, the meeting got moved up so the other guy's girlfriend could be there. This meeting is for a movie that is very much in the pre-planning stages and a few days delay wouldn't be detrimental. I know this, because I've been involved in the planning as well.

But anyway, it was moved up. He calls me. "Ok...so what's happening with the roof." "I forgot about that." "Well, what's happening?" Mind you, we've told him many times that if he didn't want to do it, we'd call a pro. He declined that.


That was the initial problem. Now mind, this is a pretty big problem in and of itself because the roof needs to be patched, at the least. We would have called a pro if he didn't want to do it, but he assured us he would. He KNEW (because I told him) that there was a huge storm coming. And he blew us off. Without considering we had the claim on his time (as we'd arranged it around when the meeting was previously scheduled and they moved it after that).

Bigger problem: HE got pissed at ME. We've been working around him and really good about not pressuring, even when he first started getting mad I wasn't pressuring. I am not the one who 'had' to be at the meeting. I'm not the one to forget about the previous engagement. I was staying really calm, actually. But I'm the one who started getting the blame. I'm the one he seemed to be trying to get to say "Oh, it's OK, go to your meeting" so he wouldn't be the bad guy.

He was pretty much yelling at me. I didn't back down (I refuse to apologize for something I know I didn't do after what happened with my Ex). When I asked if they could move the meeting to another day, I got snarky rude answers.

I eventually ended our phone conversations when it wasn't getting us anywhere and I could feel it escalating (badly, on my end, at least). It really made me feel like I was coming in second to someone else (and not even for something important).





Now, my mom is vacillating between being OK and not OK (she was OK when I went to hang out with him late last night, not when I came home). It depends a lot on if we get rain or not (I'm praying for a miracle). It was a pretty jerk move for him to call me and expect me to say it's OK, when it's clearly not, and then get pissed when I ask what's going to go on with the roof. That is important to, ya know, our house being in good repair. I understand he was frustrated and stuck.

But you know how you handle a situation like that? You call up the person with the second claim, without involving the first, and say "Hey, I forgot about it but I had X to do first". You never call the first person first and see if THEY'LL move it, ESPECIALLY when they've already been working around that event. You REALLY don't get pissed at that person, then.




tl;dr: He passive aggressively tried to renege on something he offered to do that we'd been working around him for, because a non-important meeting (that we'd worked around) got rescheduled for the other guy's girlfriend. He proceeded to get really mad at me for absolutely nothing and only because he was frustrated that he had made two engagements.

[MountainKing]

SuperGtothelucose - Now that you've clarified what you meant, that really does change my opinion a great deal, primarily because that's a completely different situation. I'm sorry to hear that; those people suck.

Skywizzalker - Awww, maaan... I'm one of a very few people I know who actually like the bottled stout... forsooth... Haters gonna hate, I guess. :smalltongue:

Pendellizzle - That's rough, but at least you're working on calming down. Props for that; I myself half and half between letting things go or hanging onto a grudge.

HizSyka - Ouch. That's... words fail me. That's rough (and that's an understatement). :smallfrown: Good luck; hopefully things get sorted out well, and also, I hope the rain misses your house.

[loopy]

i live by the rule that if you ask me anything within 20 minutes of waking me up, the answer doesnt count... especially the ones that get me in trouble for being ladden with expletives

I live by the rule that nothing I say while being in, on, under, or touching a bed can be used against me, as my brain stops working while doing any particular bed-based activity. :smallwink:

[xPANCAKEx]

I live by the rule that nothing I say while being in, on, under, or touching a bed can be used against me, as my brain stops working while doing any particular bed-based activity. :smallwink:

i like your moxy

[Superglucose]

@Syka, get a tarp or something like that to drape it over the hole in the roof if possible. Tie it down so it doesn't blow away. It'll look hella ugly, but if the leak is really bad it'll be a better option than just leaving it up.

Then again it might not be a bad enough leak to justify the bother and a few pots and pans will do fine. I don't know, I haven't seen the roof.

[MountainKing]

From the sound, if there's no visible damage (missing shingles, small cars, etc), you're probably talking about a failure in the sealant somewhere. Kind of hard to say without knowing what kind of roof you have and how it was constructed... but this is a thread for leaky hearts, not leaky roofs. :smallwink: All the same, my sympathy is yours.

[Syka]

We live in prime hurricane territory and actually have a (former?) tropical storm dumping rain on us as we speak. :smallsigh: Tarps are a wonderful short term solution when it's not really windy, and we did have some roof cement stuff to seal the shingle up with. It's mostly Oz had said he would since he had previous roofing experience, I'm a completely clumsy fool, and my mom has back problems.

It was one particular shingle that was coming up (the nail was coming out)*. Thankfully, we were able to track down the company who did our roof just under 5 years ago and since we were under warranty and knew this storm was coming through, they got a guy out to fix it. He was actually way awesome and went around the whole roof and found several more shingles that had issues and patched them up. Apparently the particular person who was in charge last time really didn't do a good job (which we knew...there is a whole 'nother story behind that...).

It wasn't even a horrible bad leak, we just began noticing it in our garage by a fluke. But if you are noticing wet spots on the ceiling...that's not exactly good, either.


I think everything has blown over now. My mom is at ease now that we know it's (probably) fixed and got it done before the rain caught us. If it had rained before that, there would probably still be issues, lol.

This is one of those events that make me thankful for my relationship, though. It's normally pretty calm, these big issues seem to be fairly uncommon (this being the second major thing).



On the l word: I did hold off a bit longer than Oz had, because I wanted to be sure. It still happened at about 4-5 weeks in. I firmly believe it's one of those things that...when you know, you know. For me, anyway, there is a distinct difference between being in lust and being in love.


I'm also of the mind that if it is said while I am half-asleep and/or waking up/falling asleep...it doesn't count. I don't care what it is, it doesn't count. :smallwink:



Sorry I can't contribute to the beer discussion. How about the ribs, though? Can I get a recipe? As previously mentioned, I'm a huge rib fan. Oz is too, but he's blasphemous and uses a fork (burn the heretic!).




*There were several shingles that were buckled, for lack of a better word. They were like curved up. The guy today stuck them back down and hopefully stay that way. It'll be ridiculous if that's all they needed to do to fix it and left it that way for 5 years...'cause it was like that when they ended the job before. They just weren't/aren't leaking (thank God).

[Dallas-Dakota]

Well I'm being ''dragged'' to a bar tonight.

I don't drink beer and they serve little else, not much of which I'm allowed to buy.

Also I'm supposed to be meeting girls, by randomly talking to them. Talking up to totally strange girls. Eek.

While sober. EEK.

[Coidzor]

Well, this is fun. That friend of mine who disappeared and then came back only came back in contact with me because apparently I'm such a callous *random* I don't care about others enough to form emotional bonds.

That someone I called friend would think that of me... :smallannoyed:

The bizarre thing is that she also chastised me for being too open and caring about others too soon.

...So she both thinks I'm incapable of actually caring about her and thinks I'm too much of a ponce/putz/*random* and care about others too easily too soon and make myself look and act like a fool....

Which, I'll admit, I do care about others far too quickly to be healthy. I wish I could stop but I have yet to figure out how to stop assuming people I meet are good and enjoying their company. Lousy personality defects.

[Deathslayer7]

Well I'm being ''dragged'' to a bar tonight.

I don't drink beer and they serve little else, not much of which I'm allowed to buy.

Also I'm supposed to be meeting girls, by randomly talking to them. Talking up to totally strange girls. Eek.

While sober. EEK.

drink a beer or two to gain courage. it helps. I asked my current gf out during a party held at my house. This was after a couple of drinks mind you....:smallbiggrin:

and we are still together and it's been a year plus now. how time flies.

[Superglucose]

Well I'm being ''dragged'' to a bar tonight.

I don't drink beer and they serve little else, not much of which I'm allowed to buy.

Also I'm supposed to be meeting girls, by randomly talking to them. Talking up to totally strange girls. Eek.

While sober. EEK.
Sober is the best way to do it my friend.

[YPU]

Sober is the best way to do it my friend.

I say relaxed is the best way to do it, if that takes a beer then so be it. But quite a few people don't become any more relaxed.

DD, since I know you a bit in real life. I would say you can be quite cool and relaxed. You will be fine. :smallwink:

[Syka]

Just don't get drunk. As I always warn, having more than a drink or two in you can lead to more negative repercussions (not reading body language right, or just even general awkwardness). Sober, truly, is better.

[arguskos]

Just don't get drunk. As I always warn, having more than a drink or two in you can lead to more negative repercussions (not reading body language right, or just even general awkwardness). Sober, truly, is better.
While non-sloshed is good, I think YPU has the right of it:

I say relaxed is the best way to do it, if that takes a beer then so be it.
Relaxed is best, and if that means you aren't 100% dry, well ok then. A beer or two might be wise. One must always walk the fine line between sober and tipsy, just as one in other situations must walk the line between tipsy and smashed.

EDIT: This is also coming from someone who is never relaxed around anyone ever, since the last time I relaxed, I got barred from half my family for an off-handed comment they seemed to take well. :smallsigh: So, here, have a salt-shaker. :smallbiggrin:

[snoopy13a]

Gatorade is a bad choice. Electrolytes and sugar late at night is just not a good decision.



Depends. If you're really drunk, Gatorade makes an excellent hangover preventer. It is also great for treating hangovers the next morning. Of course, when you're really drunk, you usually forget to hydrate yourself before going to sleep.

[Keld Denar]

Sykafox, ENJOY! (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=8989869&postcount=342)

I'm meeting girly again in about 2 hours to go to the bonfire! I'm so excited. We'll probably end up taking her car, though, since mine smells like a STINKY FREAKIN PAPER MILL!!!!! Blech, I should ask for compensation, most smokers would probably turn their noses up at the stench that has penetrated my car...at least I can't smell it anymore, I think the chemicals have destroyed my sense of smell...

[Pyrian]

Sadly I can't be here constantly enough to respond to everything in real-time, and the conversation has moved on. I do, however, feel a personal obligation to respond to some of the charges leveled against me by Superglucose.


And yes, I will discard and avoid people who call me fake. I don't have the time or desire to show them that I'm wrong. Oh, and we're not talking about an instantaneous "Oh you don't implicitly trust me immediately" we're talking about people who go out of their way to point out how I am being fake, when I am not.See, I don't have a problem with that, and if that had been what you'd written in the first place, I certainly wouldn't have criticized it.


If you think I mean "Omg after one hangout you're not spilling your life secrets oh dear god never talk to you again" may I submit that you read it horribly wrong?...That's an exaggeration, but a mild enough one that I'm willing to work with it. You see, I have reviewed the passage in question. May I submit that you wrote it horribly wrong? Will you take a hard look at what you wrote - the post I was responding to - and honestly consider that possibility?


Yes, my emotional array is approximately that of a golden retriever :smallannoyed:

The worst part is, you meant it as a joke but most of the fools out there take it as me being needy or clingy. I'm sorry I give a damn about you as a human being. Oh wait, no I'm not! The fastest way into my doghouse, as it were, is to reject the fact that I care for you as something that it's not. Yes, I'd like to see you happy ('you' being a general term for everyone). If you've got a problem with that, you're not worth my time. Bye. Later. I don't need anyone who's going to actively work against any attempt I make to make their lives a bit easier and a bit more enjoyable.Look at what you've actually, literally posted, here. I.e., what I saw and responded to. You've explicitly defined "you" as "everyone" and said "everyone" is "not worth my time" if they "work against any attempt" to make their lives easier. That's... That's scary sounding. That literally means "accept ANYTHING I do or get lost". And the actual words in the actual post still mean that, even though you've since made it clear that that's not what you actually ever intended.


SuperGtothelucose - Now that you've clarified what you meant, that really does change my opinion a great deal, primarily because that's a completely different situation.Yes. The original posts on the subject are categorically different from the later ones. You went from complaining about people who merely don't accept your help (an IMO unacceptable standard) to complaining about people who call you fake and spread vicious rumours behind your back. And somehow you expected me to get the latter from the former, and accuse me of a failure in reading comprehension for not picking out things that were never in the posts I read in the first place? Nonsense. I deny the accusation of my failure in reading comprehension entirely.


I find that I approach everyone from a standpoint of love. I care about people as a general thing, and I care about people I'm close to.

What drives me nuts more than anything on earth is when people assume that's fake, and don't give me a chance to show that it's not. But people who don't give me a chance don't deserve a chance.

Does that clarify it? Or are my friends still gullible?Honestly? I think you still need to work on your phrasing, here. Since you've written more on the subject, I know you're actually quite okay with acquaintances who merely don't accept your caring, but that's not how this passage comes across.


When you rip into me for something I didn't say or something I've never done, then I end up pissed because you aren't being fair to me.Well, when you rip into me for responding to what you DID say by claiming that you DIDN'T say it, don't expect too much sympathy. :smallwink:


Yes, my emotional array is approximately that of a golden retriever :smallannoyed:Did not mean that as an insult. ...Meant it as a compliment (lovable protaganist, for heaven's sake). Indeed, didn't cross my mind, even after your response (obvious in hindsight).

As to the Nigeria crack, well, remember that I was talking about what you wrote rather than what you meant. You referred to "you" specifically as "everybody" (which of course includes strangers) and excoriated them for not accepting your help. Accepting "help" from strangers is precisely the hook of the Nigerian bank scam trap. I was merely trying to point out the most obvious problem with the expectation you rather explicitly posted (but didn't actually mean).

Regardless, I'm sorry for offending you and I'll try to be more careful in the future.

[Dallas-Dakota]

I say relaxed is the best way to do it, if that takes a beer then so be it. But quite a few people don't become any more relaxed.

DD, since I know you a bit in real life. I would say you can be quite cool and relaxed. You will be fine. :smallwink:
Yeah, I'm quite relaxed. It's just that I become incredibly shy when anything (serious/)flirty or such comes up IRL.

Syka, people, YPU is right.
The thing is, I don't really like beer, usually I drink other stuff.(Which I drink mainly for the taste)
Another thing is, combined with my weirdness, I can come across tipsy pretty easily. I become tipsy after some, but it takes a lot to make me actually drunk.
I know my limits and such in that.:smallsmile:

SuperG: In my case, I respectfully disagree. It's all about knowing where your limits are, when you become tipsy, when you're (becoming) drunk and such.

Ps. Ty for the compliment, YPU.

Oh right, what happend, nothing much, hung out with some people, met loads, forgot loads of names, remember a few :smalltongue:
Romantic? Naw, nothing. Yes I had some beer, but eh, nothing much.

[Maeglin_Dubh]

Funny story about girls and how they like Bad Boys.

First girl I dated came after me because I seemed mysterious.
While we were dating, she would constantly ask me what I was thinking. I never told her.
She broke up with me because I -was- mysterious.

[Pyrian]

Gotta love people who seek out exactly those qualities they don't want in a partner. :smallcool:

[skywalker]

I am serious when I say this: I have no interest in getting together with the person R is now. No interest at all. That being said, I very much miss those precious moments.

The first thing I said (are you sure you're over her?) was a joke. Perhaps it will help you to say that (seeing as how she's now a different person) those moments aren't coming back, and missing them isn't going to get you anything at all?


Skywizzalker - Awww, maaan... I'm one of a very few people I know who actually like the bottled stout... forsooth... Haters gonna hate, I guess. :smalltongue:

Hater? Hardly. I've never had bottled stout, actually... I don't buy six-packs (well, not of Guinness, you don't want to show up to the party and be that guy), and most of the places I go to seem to have only extra stout in a bottle, no regular stout if it's not on tap...


Relaxed is best, and if that means you aren't 100% dry, well ok then. A beer or two might be wise. One must always walk the fine line between sober and tipsy, just as one in other situations must walk the line between tipsy and smashed.

Also, in certain situations, people will relax 100x more around you if you have a beer in your hand. Nobody wants to make a fool of themselves with a sober person, but if you're both drunk (or at least drinking) you can be more relaxed together and of course you're "part of the club."


Depends. If you're really drunk, Gatorade makes an excellent hangover preventer. It is also great for treating hangovers the next morning. Of course, when you're really drunk, you usually forget to hydrate yourself before going to sleep.

Yeah, yeah... Way to bring up the exception. I'm actually well aware of the preventative powers of Gatorade... But then you're probably no longer in a "late night snuggly" situation, are you?

I actually buy Gatorade before every major drinking situation I participate in... And when I get drunk, I start taking care of people, which means nobody has hangovers in the morning because I start pushing my quart bottle of Gatorade at everyone as soon as I get drunk. I think that's pretty good synergy.

But everyone knows blue Gatorade is the low Gatorade on this particular pole. Lemon-Lime is the best for sports, because it won't taste good unless you need it. Orange is the best "every day" Gatorade. Fruit Punch is the best "chaser" Gatorade, because it tastes good, making it easier to literally chase with, and something you're more likely to drink when you're drunk and making less informed choices than you ordinarily would...

[Superglucose]

The first thing I said (are you sure you're over her?) was a joke. Perhaps it will help you to say that (seeing as how she's now a different person) those moments aren't coming back, and missing them isn't going to get you anything at all?

Ok. I just know that my mom doesn't believe me so I suspect most others wouldn't either :smallwink: And I won't stop missing those moments just because they won't come back just like I won't stop missing my puppy just because she'll never come back.

And I think I'm happier knowing I'll never forget the good times, you know?

[Pheehelm]

First girl I dated came after me because I seemed mysterious.
While we were dating, she would constantly ask me what I was thinking. I never told her.
She broke up with me because I -was- mysterious.The idea is you're supposed to open up and show her the scared, vulnerable little kid hiding behind the walls of aloofness and enigma. For one reason or another she came away disappointed.

...she didn't happen to be kind of the flighty, happy-happy, super-outgoing sort, did she?


Another thing is, combined with my weirdness, I can come across tipsy pretty easily.Heh heh, yeah, I know this. I've had people sighing "[Pheehelm]'s drunk again" when I've never really even had a drink.

[YPU]

Another thing is, combined with my weirdness, I can come across tipsy pretty easily. I become tipsy after some, but it takes a lot to make me actually drunk.
I know my limits and such in that.:smallsmile:


I wanted to comment on this, but then realized I might not be one to judge on account of weirdness.

[Coidzor]

But everyone knows blue Gatorade is the low Gatorade on this particular pole. Lemon-Lime is the best for sports, because it won't taste good unless you need it. Orange is the best "every day" Gatorade. Fruit Punch is the best "chaser" Gatorade, because it tastes good, making it easier to literally chase with, and something you're more likely to drink when you're drunk and making less informed choices than you ordinarily would...

Ahh, thanks for the reminder. I couldn't quite remember offhand what the totem pole was, haha. x.x Been too long since I've had gatorade.

So I'd been scared to start again because I couldn't remember which one was right for what situation.

In other news, am I crazy for not finding dating (I'm guessing from the reaction of it being brought up, the idea of asking someone on a date and going out with them without being in a formal relationship) extremely unnatural, forced, and uncomfortable?

[YPU]

In other news, am I crazy for not finding dating (I'm guessing from the reaction of it being brought up, the idea of asking someone on a date and going out with them without being in a formal relationship) extremely unnatural, forced, and uncomfortable?

I think its mostly due to a lack of options, and tradition. But dating is diving right into it in a way many people might not be comfortable with. You might like somebody and want to get to know them better, but if you ask them on a date it becomes directly apparent you want to get to know them better in THAT way. And some times your not even sure of that yourself.

However for some other people a "date" is just going out with one person and having fun, nothing necessarily romantic involved. Its complicated.

[Maeglin_Dubh]

The idea is you're supposed to open up and show her the scared, vulnerable little kid hiding behind the walls of aloofness and enigma. For one reason or another she came away disappointed.

...she didn't happen to be kind of the flighty, happy-happy, super-outgoing sort, did she?


She totally was.

Also, I was the only guy she ever dated (there were a lot of others) who didn't have sex with her and who wasn't a colossal jerk. These two facts are possibly related. Again, with all the others being colossal jerks, I think she went looking for the jerks and regretted finding them.

[skywalker]

Ok. I just know that my mom doesn't believe me so I suspect most others wouldn't either :smallwink: And I won't stop missing those moments just because they won't come back just like I won't stop missing my puppy just because she'll never come back.

And I think I'm happier knowing I'll never forget the good times, you know?

I don't know. Do you smile when you remember them, or cry? What sort of effect is "I miss [blankety-blank]" having on you? Because any sort of trending-to-negative effect should be eliminated, in my book.


Ahh, thanks for the reminder. I couldn't quite remember offhand what the totem pole was, haha. x.x Been too long since I've had gatorade.

So I'd been scared to start again because I couldn't remember which one was right for what situation.

You're quite welcome. Any time.

[Superglucose]

I don't know. Do you smile when you remember them, or cry? What sort of effect is "I miss [blankety-blank]" having on you? Because any sort of trending-to-negative effect should be eliminated, in my book.
With R it's more of a sad smile as I think, "Man, that used to be so much fun."

[ReluctantReaper]

So recently i met someone at the beginning of july on a random chat site and she sent me an email containing her phone number. I didn't respond right away and just sent a few emails before I decided to try calling her and seeing if she was real. Turns out she is a great person that I am completely in sync with and we have many common interests. We are currently trying to date and its going well with phone calls now and then, it just the distance. She isnt too far away and has family in the state that I am in. I just don't know if i should tell this girl how I truly feel about her before I meet her or not, we plan on meeting face to face sometime next month when she is visiting family. Im just really complaining I guess about the distance thing and wondering if anyone has any advice on Long distance relationships.

[Syka]

What do you mean that you aren't sure whether or not to tell her how you truly feel? You are dating and like her, yes?


Anyway, general LDR tips:
Communication is a huge one, even more important than in normal relationships.
You've got to have trust.
Try to always know when the next visit will be, even if it's 6 months down the line.
If possible, and if it is serious, try to have an end to the LD part in sight. This helps a lot.
Abuse the crap out of webcam programs such as Skype to keep in contact. I didn't have a web cam for either of my LDR's and I can only imagine how much nicer that would have been. The investment is worth it.

[ReluctantReaper]

Yeah we are starting to talk on the phone every night and we text all day. She is looking into the skype because I told her it'd be nice to talk face to face...sorta. Thanks for the information Syka.

[xPANCAKEx]

dont tell her how you feel now

its not that your feelings arnt valid - more that in person feelings can be vastly different for better or worse

and also it may scare her off if you rush things

[Dallas-Dakota]

Woes and yays of being cute:

Will get you free drinks. :smallbiggrin:
Will get you hugs.:smallbiggrin:
Will get you attention. :smallsmile:

Woes:
Will not get you a girl to view you romantically or anything of the sort.:smallsigh:

Side note: Though the other girl said I was cute and manly.::smallamused:

[term1nally s1ck]

Attraction is triggered by the very simple iea of appearing better than average in some way. This is easiest to detect via confidence...if someone is confident, they must have reason to be confident -> attraction.

[Coidzor]

Woes and yays of being cute:

Will get you free drinks. :smallbiggrin:
Will get you hugs.:smallbiggrin:
Will get you attention. :smallsmile:

Woes:
Will not get you a girl to view you romantically or anything of the sort.:smallsigh:

Side note: Though the other girl said I was cute and manly.::smallamused:

*shrug* Most of the girls I've shtupped have found me to be cute.

Are you sure it's not more that you don't roll for initiative?

Because, as I was telling my friend who adamantly believes he can't date because "girls don't view me that way," you can't start the encounter until you've rolled for initiative.

Also, who in the world was buying you drinks that you couldn't palpably tell they were wanting to find out if they wanted in your pants? :smallconfused:

[xPANCAKEx]

Woes and yays of being cute:

Will get you free drinks. :smallbiggrin:
Will get you hugs.:smallbiggrin:
Will get you attention. :smallsmile:

Woes:
Will not get you a girl to view you romantically or anything of the sort.:smallsigh:

Side note: Though the other girl said I was cute and manly.::smallamused:

all depends on how you respond to the attention

if your bashful, then yes, its hard for them to view you as attractive

but if you play up to the attention and you're a bit of a flirt in the process its a whole different ballgame

[Dallas-Dakota]

I've tried both reactions a lot, and I usually go with the latter for some time now. Makes me come across as more self-confident/mature or something, I think.

But still, most women.:smallsigh:

[Coidzor]

But still, most women.:smallsigh:

Well, duh. We purposefully inflict bad ideals onto our women so that the ones who are worthwhile naturally stand out, after all. :smallwink:

Why? Because consumerism makes us masochists.

[ForzaFiori]

Ok, so, I would like the advice of the playground.

Me and A girl have been talking, and we're trying to decide of we wanna have an open relationship (She doesn't wanna make any commitments yet, cause she's about to move to go to college). I REALLY want a relationship with her, but I have horrible jealousy problems. Like it makes me jealous when she flirts with guys right NOW, and I just like her. If I were to have an open thing with her, it'd be even worse. I don't wanna have that happen and wind up hurting one of us, since I don't want her hating me or vice versa.
NOTE: We've been out on several dates in the past, and are good friends. The open thing isn't so she can get to know me better or anything, but to see if we can handle her moving, and if she finds anyone that she would like better at her new college (and me the same at mine).

So I don't know whether to go for it, or to pass on it to avoid the possibility of loosing a good friend.

[arguskos]

Forza, I'd say that if it's a deal breaker it's a deal breaker. Keep the friend she is now. People come and people go far as I know.

Also, here, have a salt shaker. Use it liberally with my advice.

[xPANCAKEx]

ForzaFiori

at first i'd say give it a miss due to you not having a handle on your jealousy issue

but if you can get a handle on them and DO want to give it a try i'd give a try with a few bind-overs

a) if you feel the jealousy is getting too much at any point (either before or after you move) then call it off straight away
b) considering you and her to be dating, not "in an open relationship" - by the sounds of it, it may help to ease some of the tension
c) you have to keep an open mind to other girls you meet - its entirely possible that you will meet someone who makes you feel happier, and you shouldn't feel guilty to give things a try with them, not should you feel angry if she meets someone and feels happier with them. Disapointed that things havent worked out maybe, but not angry.

[Superglucose]

There needs to be a smilie with the silly grin and the rolling of the eyes.

B just unloaded on me how she's so upset because D hasn't taken her on a date yet! And she was really craving sushi (she hates fish)! And how can he be so clueless! And yadda yadda yadda! And this is the first major thing ever! Cause he wanted to stay at someone's house and keep playing games when she wanted to go home!

Since it is impossible to tactly say this to her... I'll say it here: PHEW! Dodged a bullet.

[MountainKing]

Well, duh. We purposefully inflict bad ideals onto our women so that the ones who are worthwhile naturally stand out, after all. :smallwink:

Why? Because consumerism makes us masochists.

Wait, I thought my enjoyment of my pain and suffering made me a masochist? :smallconfused: The More You Know, I guess. *Shooting star!*

Super - Dodged a bullet because... the girl is nutty? Orrrrr...?

[Superglucose]

She is nuttier than peanut butter.

[Serpentine]

Forzzles: No, absolutely not. I believe that open relationships can work, if only for a little while, but only if both people involved are fully willing and in the right state of mind. You are most certainly neither. I pretty much guarantee it will cause major issues for both of you. I recommend letting it go for now.

[MountainKing]

Forzzles: No, absolutely not. I believe that open relationships can work, if only for a little while, but only if both people involved are fully willing and in the right state of mind. You are most certainly neither. I pretty much guarantee it will cause major issues for both of you. I recommend letting it go for now.

I'm right behind Serp on this one; frankly, polyamory (and polyfidelity at that) aren't for everyone. There's a level of open-mindedness that's simply *required* on both ends for it to work, and if there are misgivings from anyone in the relationship, then it's probably best to either end it, or do without, before feelings get hurt.

[Serpentine]

For the record, polyamory != open relationship.

[Pyrian]

Me and A girl have been talking, and we're trying to decide of we wanna have an open relationship (She doesn't wanna make any commitments yet, cause she's about to move to go to college). I REALLY want a relationship with her, but I have horrible jealousy problems.It sounds to me like what you really want is a committed relationship with her, which is exactly what's not on offer. This is probably a very bad idea. ...On the other hand, you might consider it a good way to work on your jealousy issues. Those get out of hand pretty easily even in committed relationships sometimes.


For the record, polyamory != open relationship.Well, they're related concepts, at least. :smallcool:

[Coidzor]

What's the functional difference at the stage before actually taking multiple semi-permanent lovers again?

I've forgotten again.

[MountainKing]

I myself am a little confused by Serp's statement; I was pretty much looking at it as an open relationship fit under the idea of polyamory. Polyfidelitous relationships are not open relationships, in the sense that they're basically multiple monofidelitous relationships linked together by polyamory (everyone's allowed to sleep about a bit, but only within the agreed upon group of people/couples).

Soooo, help me out here, Serp. What's the difference?

[Serpentine]

Eh, maybe the lines are blurry, but it's my understanding that polyamory refers to multiple relationships, whereas an open relationship (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open_relationship) allows for casual sexual encounters outside the relationship.
It's the same difference as between a fling and dating.

[MountainKing]

Ooooooh, I gotcha. Okay, that actually does make sense (and it was the only idea I had in my head when I was trying to sort it out, but it's good to be sure).

So, yeah, as was said Forzzles, you have two options; go with it, and work out your jealousy issues (believe you me, that's a tough one. I have trouble with jealousy myself), or, get out of the relationship and find somebody who better fits what you actually want. The hardest part about the latter one, is being absolutely sure that, whatever you do, you do NOT try to trick yourself into thinking that this girl IS what you want. The key to making yourself happy is being totally honest with yourself.

Plus, if you can't be honest with yourself, who can you be expected to be honest to?

EDIT: Oh yeah, and to be clear: emphasis on the words trick yourself and the statement The key to making yourself happy is being totally honest with yourself. I am not saying that this girl isn't what you want (though it does sound like she isn't). I'm saying that the only person who can honestly determine whether or not she IS what you want, is you, yourself, and... you, again.

[Ishmael]

It's been quite a while since I've posted here...

So I met this boy the day before I left school for the summer? And we've been talking a ton, online, via phone, computer, whatever. And everything sounds perfect, and if I'm not totally tripping on acid, it seems like something is going to happen between us as soon as I get back to school. It all started out as flirting online, nothing really serious, but as things have progressed, things have really gotten deeper, and we've become really attracted to each other, physically and emotionally. We both consider each other as 'special someones', and recently, the discussion has been about meeting his parents, relationships, etc.

But...I'm being presented with two paths. On one hand, I'd like to give in fully to my emotions, and just accept what he says at face value, that he likes me, that it's more than just flirting. But for all I know, it's all an illusion (albeit a sweet one), and he's just flirting...for all I know, he's flirting with other people, going on dates, etc. It's hard for me to believe that, though, simply because the way he's talking to me is, well, substantive...it's not just flirting and sexual, it's really quite emotional too...

I know I'm being hyper-analytical. But I could use some advice. What should I do? I really don't want to get hurt by this...

[MountainKing]

Ishmael - First, love the name, well played sir. Definitely a classy pick. Now, the crunchy bits.

Realistically speaking, you won't know *anything* about this boy until you're actually back in contact with him (or, if you talk to him for six years and he remains consistent throughout the period of time), seeing him in person, reading his bodily cues and judging his tone for yourself... In person.

If I were you, I would chalk it up as "just flirting, with a chance of something serious", and give the boy a chance... just keep in mind that, attaching yourself emotionally too quickly can really lead to some serious hurt. That's the risk of any relationship.

Meet up when you go back. Talk to the boy. Try a couple dates. THEN, maybe talk about a relationship. :smallsmile:

[Superglucose]

It all started out as flirting online, nothing really serious, but as things have progressed, things have really gotten deeper, and we've become really attracted to each other, physically and emotionally. We both consider each other as 'special someones', and recently, the discussion has been about meeting his parents, relationships, etc.
Ok. He likes you and you like him.



But...I'm being presented with two paths. On one hand, I'd like to give in fully to my emotions, and just accept what he says at face value, that he likes me, that it's more than just flirting. But for all I know, it's all an illusion (albeit a sweet one), and he's just flirting...for all I know, he's flirting with other people, going on dates, etc. It's hard for me to believe that, though, simply because the way he's talking to me is, well, substantive...it's not just flirting and sexual, it's really quite emotional too...

I know I'm being hyper-analytical. But I could use some advice. What should I do? I really don't want to get hurt by this...
These paragraphs makes no sense in relation to the first one. It sounds like he likes you... do you like him? If so drop all the thoughts here. Because you are presented with two paths: having a relationship with him or cold feet.

[skywalker]

Ok, so, I would like the advice of the playground.

Don't, don't, DON'T do eet.


Eh, maybe the lines are blurry, but it's my understanding that polyamory refers to multiple relationships, whereas an open relationship (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open_relationship) allows for casual sexual encounters outside the relationship.
It's the same difference as between a fling and dating.

I don't think the distinction is really worth making a point of correcting someone over a casual passing comment, honestly.

[Coidzor]

Don't, don't, DON'T do eet.

Yeah, I'm just gonna add +1 to that, since I forgot to earlier, sorry. If she doesn't like you as a person enough to at least break things off with you rather than date/**** other people as a stopgap before breaking things off with you eventually anyway. LDR isn't going to work.

I don't think the distinction is really worth making a point of correcting someone over a casual passing comment, honestly.

Not until there's an actual stable going on yet, anyway. But that'd like, require a specific sort of instance anyway.

[Syka]

Forza, open relationships can work. But only when both partners want it and are OK with it. It isn't hard to see that you aren't OK with it. Going in to a situation like this KNOWING you have jealousy issues is one big ball of drama waiting to happen. I see the llama waiting in the corner. ;)

That said, there is nothing wrong with what either of you want. However, your desires are not exactly compatible it seems. Unless you can come to some sort of compromise that doesn't involve you having to ignore something that is an issue (dealing with jealousy is normal, and reigning it in in a relationship is normal; engaging in an open relationship when you know you have issues is just asking for it).

I wish you the best of luck.

[ForzaFiori]

Ooooooh, I gotcha. Okay, that actually does make sense (and it was the only idea I had in my head when I was trying to sort it out, but it's good to be sure).

So, yeah, as was said Forzzles, you have two options; go with it, and work out your jealousy issues (believe you me, that's a tough one. I have trouble with jealousy myself), or, get out of the relationship and find somebody who better fits what you actually want. The hardest part about the latter one, is being absolutely sure that, whatever you do, you do NOT try to trick yourself into thinking that this girl IS what you want. The key to making yourself happy is being totally honest with yourself.

Plus, if you can't be honest with yourself, who can you be expected to be honest to?

EDIT: Oh yeah, and to be clear: emphasis on the words trick yourself and the statement The key to making yourself happy is being totally honest with yourself. I am not saying that this girl isn't what you want (though it does sound like she isn't). I'm saying that the only person who can honestly determine whether or not she IS what you want, is you, yourself, and... you, again.

The hard part with this is that, except for the not exclusive dating, the girl IS what I want. She's smart, funny, attractive, manages to put up with all my issues, is one of my best friends, everything I've ever thought "hey, I'd like that trait in a girlfriend" she has. I've been stuck on her for 4 years, and that involved trying to find other people, trying to tell myself that there were things about her I didn't like, pretty much anything I could do to get her off my mind. Unless I miraculously find someone even better when I go to Clemson, she'll STILL be on my mind, except I know that I wont have a snowball's chance in hell of getting her to date me, where as if I try this thing, I'll have an ok chance of getting her to date me, but also a chance of blowing everything and pushing her even further away.

[Maeglin_Dubh]

They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

They're totally wrong. Unless she's completely and totally honest about everything, you're always going to have that worry in the back of your head that she might be with someone else. And that will haunt you -far- more than wondering what might have been if you had settled for it.

After cheating on me, my last girlfriend suggested an open relationship. (My polyamorous friend pointed out that you're supposed to suggest the open relationship -before- you start making out with other people, so fair point there.) But it wasn't what I wanted, and if I went along with it just to keep her, I wouldn't be able to be with her without wondering who she might have been with last. Because after she hid the affair from me, I didn't think she'd be honest enough to tell me in advance in the future.

[Odentin]

The hard part with this is that, except for the not exclusive dating, the girl IS what I want. She's smart, funny, attractive, manages to put up with all my issues, is one of my best friends, everything I've ever thought "hey, I'd like that trait in a girlfriend" she has. I've been stuck on her for 4 years, and that involved trying to find other people, trying to tell myself that there were things about her I didn't like, pretty much anything I could do to get her off my mind. Unless I miraculously find someone even better when I go to Clemson, she'll STILL be on my mind, except I know that I wont have a snowball's chance in hell of getting her to date me, where as if I try this thing, I'll have an ok chance of getting her to date me, but also a chance of blowing everything and pushing her even further away.

Alright, I've been in this position before. Let's see if I can help you out.

I would RECOMMEND taking her out a few times, just dating, nothing committed for now. If things are going well by the time you both leave for school, perhaps a committed, long-distance relationship is best. If not, then end it kindly, and go your separate ways as friends. If you attempt the long-distance thing, and it doesn't work, for whatever reason, then end it peacefully and, again, go your separate ways as friends. Further, if either of you find someone else at your respective schools that fits you better, then know that you are both free to break it off...

The only thing an open relationship solves is that you're free to HAVE SEX with other people. That's not conducive to anything, really. If you're going to find someone else that's a better match for you, then you can figure that out WITHOUT having sex with them. I guarantee it. If she's not willing to have a committed long distance relationship without it being open, then she's really not willing to be committed, period.

Hope that helps.

[Odentin]

It's been quite a while since I've posted here...

So I met this boy the day before I left school for the summer? And we've been talking a ton, online, via phone, computer, whatever. And everything sounds perfect, and if I'm not totally tripping on acid, it seems like something is going to happen between us as soon as I get back to school. It all started out as flirting online, nothing really serious, but as things have progressed, things have really gotten deeper, and we've become really attracted to each other, physically and emotionally. We both consider each other as 'special someones', and recently, the discussion has been about meeting his parents, relationships, etc.

But...I'm being presented with two paths. On one hand, I'd like to give in fully to my emotions, and just accept what he says at face value, that he likes me, that it's more than just flirting. But for all I know, it's all an illusion (albeit a sweet one), and he's just flirting...for all I know, he's flirting with other people, going on dates, etc. It's hard for me to believe that, though, simply because the way he's talking to me is, well, substantive...it's not just flirting and sexual, it's really quite emotional too...

I know I'm being hyper-analytical. But I could use some advice. What should I do? I really don't want to get hurt by this...

Heh, sounds like you're being neurotic. Once you get back in town, like others have said, go on a few dates with him, and see where it goes from there. Don't jump into a committed relationship, ever. Date first.

You'd be surprised how many problems can be solved just by doing that...

[Superglucose]

They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

They're totally wrong.
Ummm... wut? I strongly disagree. With all the heartbreak, all the suck, and all the pain that came with it, I'm intensely glad I had my time with R. Even, to a lesser extent, Jo and C.

[Xyk]

They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

They're totally wrong. Unless she's completely and totally honest about everything, you're always going to have that worry in the back of your head that she might be with someone else. And that will haunt you -far- more than wondering what might have been if you had settled for it.

After cheating on me, my last girlfriend suggested an open relationship. (My polyamorous friend pointed out that you're supposed to suggest the open relationship -before- you start making out with other people, so fair point there.) But it wasn't what I wanted, and if I went along with it just to keep her, I wouldn't be able to be with her without wondering who she might have been with last. Because after she hid the affair from me, I didn't think she'd be honest enough to tell me in advance in the future.

Now, I don't know about that. I don't have any personal experience with this "love" (other than familial), but I would think the awesome times spent with such a loved one would make up for worries like that. Also if my hypothetical love were to cheat on me and proceed to have the girl-balls to ask for an open relationship, the reply would be roughly "F*** you, cheating whore."

That's just me, though.

And I have been distracted from my point. I think love is a major goal for many many people and is totally worth taking a few shots in the chest.

[Maeglin_Dubh]

I think my message is being confused.

My point is that in the context of this situation, it's better to move along and only periodically wonder "Hmm, what if...?" as you move on with your life, instead of going for it, getting attached, moving away, and having -no real certainty- of any sort of commitment. To have that sort of constant doubt is a horrible threat to your sanity, your emotional well-being, and your levity, never mind your relationship.

[ForzaFiori]

The only thing an open relationship solves is that you're free to HAVE SEX with other people. That's not conducive to anything, really. If you're going to find someone else that's a better match for you, then you can figure that out WITHOUT having sex with them. I guarantee it. If she's not willing to have a committed long distance relationship without it being open, then she's really not willing to be committed, period.

Hope that helps.

Well, with the two of us, sex wouldn't happen in a committed relationship either (not till its committed enough to put rings on fingers anyway) Basically what were thinking about doing is exactly what you said. We go on dates, and were more than friends (kissing, etc), but at the same time, its not like were exclusively dating, and we can do the same thing with other people at our respective colleges.

[Serpentine]

Wait... If neither of you wants to have sex for a long time, what would the "open relationship" be for? :smallconfused:

[Odentin]

Well, with the two of us, sex wouldn't happen in a committed relationship either (not till its committed enough to put rings on fingers anyway) Basically what were thinking about doing is exactly what you said. We go on dates, and were more than friends (kissing, etc), but at the same time, its not like were exclusively dating, and we can do the same thing with other people at our respective colleges.

That's not an open relationship. That's dating...

What you're being offered is the chance to date someone. Take it. If it doesn't become a committed relationship before you head off to college, then so be it. If it does, then you can have a long-distance relationship.

I guess I should ask, how far away are your respective colleges? How hard would it be to travel to see her on the weekends or such?

[Coidzor]

Yeah, it sounds more like it'd just be seeing one another without actually going steady.

@Maeglin, yeah, I think they came at you... um. perpendicularly.

[MountainKing]

I think my message is being confused.

My point is that in the context of this situation, it's better to move along and only periodically wonder "Hmm, what if...?" as you move on with your life, instead of going for it, getting attached, moving away, and having -no real certainty- of any sort of commitment. To have that sort of constant doubt is a horrible threat to your sanity, your emotional well-being, and your levity, never mind your relationship.

Here's your box of salt shakers, by the way. In the interest of gently pointing it out, I think maybe you're a little gun shy about love and relationship. I'm going to stop myself right now and double check on that, because I might be confusing you with somebody else.

*time passes*

Okay, yes, you are who I thought you were. So, first off, *hugs*. Second off, *moar hugs*. Now, I'd just like to say that I completely agree and disagree with you for two reasons:

1.) Personally, I'm the same way; I wouldn't want to deal with getting attached to someone and then moving off to two separate colleges forever apart. That would suck. However, that's why people aren't saying "Get attached! Whoo! Fall in love with her right nao dude!" they're saying "Date her for a while, and see how you two feel by the time you have to leave." With that said...

2.) This is the one I disagree with you on. It's just like the song; love hurts, love scars, love wounds, and marrs. It does. It really, really does. ...but that adversity is what makes all the positive elements of love so damned worth it every stinkin' time. I don't regret having loved ANY of my past girlfriends, no matter how badly any of them hurt me.

Love might not make the world go round, but I think if more people could get into it, the world would be a better place.

[Syka]

My advice is changing given the clarification.

As others have said, that is essentially casual dating (not just the lack of sex, but open relationship also has the connotation of some from of serious commitment between the two primaries even if they sleep/see others). I did that when I had to move 3 hours to college but still wanted to see the guy I was dating at home. It wasn't committed or serious or anything. We were both on the same page (well...same chapter at least, lol). It worked out for 9 months. The problem only really came when I realized I didn't want to do the casual dating thing any more, and he didn't want something serious. So we parted ways. There was a bit more drama than that, but it was mostly miscommunication and some weird thing he had going on.


Casual dating isn't bad. But once again, you MUST be on the same page. Communication is important. At my core, I'm not a casual dater. That's the first and only time I've done it, and I don't think I'd do it again. So if you find you do not like the atmosphere of casual dating, then talk to her.

That said...you won't know until you try.

[ForzaFiori]

That's not an open relationship. That's dating...

What you're being offered is the chance to date someone. Take it. If it doesn't become a committed relationship before you head off to college, then so be it. If it does, then you can have a long-distance relationship.

I guess I should ask, how far away are your respective colleges? How hard would it be to travel to see her on the weekends or such?

Things are called different stuff around here. From what I can tell, people take dating alot more... serious here. Hardly any one ever just goes on a "date" just them and someone else without being exclusive, and if you kiss someone without being exclusive, your opening yourself up to be called a whore. Usually, you get to know someone in a group, go places with them (again, in groups) and ask them out and decide to be exclusive and all before you ever have a solo date.

If you don't do the exclusive thing, and instead are essentially "friends with benefits" and such, its called an open (or non-exclusive by some ppl) relationship, because your letting the person do what they're doing with you, with anyone. Honestly, if I wanted to, I COULD have sex while we have this arrangement. It's just that I don't want to. Granted, if I did, she'd be angry, but not because there was anything between us, but because she thinks it's wrong period.

To put it simply, around here, it is odd to not be REALLY dating someone when your going out with them/kissing them. That is not what this girl wants. She wants what apparently the rest of the world thinks of when they think dating. Meanwhile, I want some sort of relationship with her, but I'm not that keen on the one she has in mind. I think I could do it if it only happened with people at her college, as I'm fine without knowing it definitely (honestly, I'm paranoid enough that I would probably wonder about that even if we were exclusive, but I've learned to block that out. It's KNOWING that bothers me.)

Our colleges are ~1 hour apart, down the Interstate. (For those of you familiar with Upstate SC, I'll be in Clemson, and she'll be in Greenwood)

TL:DR - My area is old fashioned. We're 1 hour apart roughly.

[Quincunx]

Your area isn't truly old-fashioned. Old-fashioned dating from before the sexual revolution is "open relationship" dating. Exclusivity is courting, the prelude to marriage. In those days, boys wore pink and they liked it.

[MountainKing]

TL:DR - My area is old fashioned. We're 1 hour apart roughly.

One, suck it up; being progressive isn't the easy way. :smalltongue: As has been said, you won't know unless you try. Two, only an hour? Dang, nevermind. That isn't even remotely long distance. Sounds to me like you'd be fine, should you two decide to move the relationship onward post-college movery.

[Coidzor]

Your area isn't truly old-fashioned. Old-fashioned dating from before the sexual revolution is "open relationship" dating. Exclusivity is courting, the prelude to marriage. In those days, boys wore pink and they liked it.

.... ... ... *twitch*... must...resist.... bait....X.X

More seriously.

Any advice on what to do when you find out a friend just backed up into a pole and blurbed up the car and is feeling pretty down and looking for a good bit to look up their day with?

Only my attempts at thinking levity to bring a smile to her face is just devolving into inane flirtation. Lousy brain.

[Odentin]

Ok, for the rest of the world, that's just dating, pure and simple.

Lemme tell you a story, and I'll spoiler it for everyone else's sake.

When my wife and I first got engaged, we were living separately, on opposite sides of the city. Between our work and school schedules, we were only able to see each other on the weekends. So, while we kept in contact via various chat programs and the like, every weekend one of us would drive to the other's place of residence and spend the weekend there, switching off every other week.

So, my advice to you becomes: Date her, don't get into a committed relationship until both of you are ready. The distance between your colleges is NOTHING. At the moment I'm living half an ocean away from my wife. Hang out on the weekends and keep in contact through the week.

If it blossoms into anything more serious, then good for you guys. If not, then you gave it a try. :)

[ForzaFiori]

I'd like to point out, just for the record: I have no problem with the distance, except that due to us being both being poor, we wont see each other much (every weekend IF we're lucky). The only thing I'm caught up on is the idea that she could be going out with other dudes too. I have jealousy and paranoia issues. The good news is that the distance will probably help. She's not gonna bring it up or anything if she is, so I probably won't find out, and since I ALWAYS worry that a girl is doing that when I'm not around, it won't be any different than normal. The only bad part is if I KNOW it is happening. But I'm gonna give it a try and see what happens.

[Eadin]

uhm
Okay
I need some advice...
But I can't post it on the board...
Anyone who's willling to listen: PM me?
Thanks ...:smallsmile:
Edit: Thanks to the people who Pm-ed

[Odentin]

Ok, if you go into this, you have to go into it with the understanding that you are NOT in a committed relationship yet. If she finds someone else, you can't get upset, because there was no commitment. If you guys decide to make it committed, that's another story. But you can't start dating someone assuming it's exclusive until you know for sure that it is.

Eadin: Go ahead and PM me.

[MountainKing]

I'd like to point out, just for the record: I have no problem with the distance, except that due to us being both being poor, we wont see each other much (every weekend IF we're lucky). The only thing I'm caught up on is the idea that she could be going out with other dudes too. I have jealousy and paranoia issues. The good news is that the distance will probably help. She's not gonna bring it up or anything if she is, so I probably won't find out, and since I ALWAYS worry that a girl is doing that when I'm not around, it won't be any different than normal. The only bad part is if I KNOW it is happening. But I'm gonna give it a try and see what happens.

That's fine. Date her casually. If it turns out she matters that much, you'll make the effort to FIND the money to go see her.

IRT Coidpants - Sounds like somebody had a... *dons sunglasses* ...smashing good time.

Seriously though, that really sucks. The best you can really do is be there for them, unless you're secretly a master mechanic. :smallfrown:

[Karoht]

Are funny relationship stories acceptable for this thread? If so I have a highly amusing tale. It's about my ex-fiance and her new love, and what happened after I discovered the two together. I promise you, I had absolutely nothing to do with what took place after the breakup, I have an alibi and witnesses to prove it. I also use this tale as my proof that fate exists, or karma, or both.

Acceptable for this thread? Or no? I mean, if you have relationship woes, everyone needs a laugh right?

[Odentin]

I'd like to hear it. If the ones who started the thread think it's inappropriate, then you can PM it to me, if you'd like.

[Tequila Sunrise]

I'd like to hear a funny story too.

I'd also like to rant a bit: Okay, here's the thing. How the frak does anyone meet potential SOs outside of school? Seriously! I'm working a new job this summer; actually it's an old job with new people. I see literally hundreds of people every day, but all of them are either too old for me, too...*shudder*...or talk to me for all of twelve seconds before going back to their campers. (I serve food at a summer camp.) And this has been my experience with pretty much every situation I've been in, other than schools.

There is a silver lining though: I got so desperate a couple weeks ago that, despite the horror stories I've heard, I put a personal ad on craigslist. Sure enough, I got a half dozen scam replies, but I also got a reply from a very cute girl I very much want to meet. I keep reminding myself that it could be a hoax so that I don't get my hopes up, but it's getting harder the more emails I get from her. Now if I can get a weekday off next week, I might be able to actually meet her...

[Pheehelm]

How the frak does anyone meet potential SOs outside of school?Find group activities that interest you. Activity clubs, dance classes, whatever.

I hear good things about OKCupid too. Could try that.

[Serpentine]

A friend of mine's living with a girl he met on OKCupid.

I would also like to hear this amusing anecdote.

[Coidzor]

Deathslayer7: It sounds like either they're messing around with one another again, or they're trying to patch things up. Leave well enough alone and let 'em work it out between themselves. She is his ex and current person that he's circling and vice versa, after all, so the fact that they're your friends sorta takes a back burner to waiting and seeing what happens..

Also, I'm not really seeing how it was a contest to choose between your girlfriend and this girl, what with the breakup with your best friend and the corresponding cheating of the both of them on each other.

[Pyrian]

Yeah, this is an MYOB situation, deathslayer. Girl B and your friend (and whomever else is involved, lol) will have to sort this out with each other, and you're probably best off not directly involved.

[Odentin]

Holy Hell. I don't even know where to begin on that one...

I think it's best to do like the others have said and leave well enough alone. Let them work their own problems out...

[Deathslayer7]

okay. that's what i have been doin for a while now and that's what ill continue to do then. thanks.

[Iruka]

Don't need advice now since it's already too late, but I thought I'd share the story anyway. After all, reading the RWA-Thread played a considerable role in finally getting a grip on myself and asking my big university crush if she wanted to go on a date with me.
She politely declined. =P
She said she never goes on dates, because she does not want a relationship with a guy who is not a Christian. Which kinda relieved me, since that means I was out of the race from the start and there's nothing I could have done about it.

positive results:
- I finally asked a girl for a date (Yay! :smallbiggrin:)
- I don't have to drag this around with me anymore and go "what if" all the time
- not a direct result, but she is the one who got me into donating blood and I sure won't stop now.

I only wish I had done this earlier and saved myself from all that heart ache ... (which is exactly what you people here recommend over and over again :smallbiggrin:)

[YPU]

Iruka, you seem to take the no very very well. As you should of course, but still I have to admire the positive attitude you apply to it.

[Erloas]

So I've decided to start looking online for someone. I had tried it years ago without much success, but I figured I would give it a try again soon.

I'm really not any good at writing about my self, well writing has never been a strong point for me in any case.

I'm wondering if I could/should post a link to my profile here (or maybe just PM it to a few people) and let the people here review it for me. See if anything comes across weird or if there is any sort of area I should expand on.

Of course its not like anyone here knows me that well to know if what I'm saying is true or if there is something about me that should be added, but I guess it should come across to you guys much how it would to anyone else looking at it.
edit: and by true, I mean true to how I actually am, as opposed to how I think I am, which might not be the same.

[Quincunx]

Go right ahead! We looked at and constructively critiqued a profile last thread. (Receiving constructive critique is another skill altogether. Can you handle that?)

[Erloas]

I sure hope I can take criticism...

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/lb-gb

edit: to start, one thing I'm not sure of is listing my income range. Its pretty good (in the 60-70 range), but I don't really think that should be an important factor. Though I don't know if not having anything would come across as good or bad.

[Serpentine]

Quick first impressions:
- Get more photos without sunglasses on.
- Condense your Self-Summary a bit.
- Trim the Favourite Books etc. section a little, maybe make it a bit easier to read.
- Think a bit harder about the Really Good At and Things I Can't Do Without bits.

'sabout all I've got, methinks.

[Erloas]

I'll see about the pictures, that was pretty much every reasonable picture I had of me. I didn't in fact realize they all had sunglasses on until I posted the one without. I'll see what I can find.

Any idea *how* I should trim down the self summary and books/movies parts?

[Iruka]

Iruka, you seem to take the no very very well. As you should of course, but still I have to admire the positive attitude you apply to it.

Considering her behaviour in the last months I already expected the no, so I was kinda prepared. I just wanted confirmation.
I'm also feeling all grown up now, because I finally asked. :smallbiggrin:
It still hurts a lot, but running for two hours until the rest of my body hurt more helped a bit. I don't know how I'll feel in the next days, I guess there will be some crying. :smallsigh:

[xPANCAKEx]

Iruka

theres nothing to cry about - yes its a bit of a downer, but just keep yourself busy and you'll realise life is on the up, so enjoy it



Any idea *how* I should trim down the self summary and books/movies parts?

list genres rather than particular movies - then list a few favourites as examples

[Pyrian]

edit: to start, one thing I'm not sure of is listing my income range. Its pretty good (in the 60-70 range), but I don't really think that should be an important factor. Though I don't know if not having anything would come across as good or bad.Allow me to quote from OkTrends (http://blog.okcupid.com/), OkCupid's analysis blog of it's own data:
We did a little investigating as to whether a person's stated income had any real effect on his or her online dating experience. Unsurprisingly, we found that it matters a lot, particularly for men. ...if you're a young guy and don't make much money, cool. If you're 23 or older and don't make much money, go die in a fire.The little chart is interesting, too. :smallbiggrin:

[Erloas]

That article is rather interesting. Though it seems I'm not lying the average 10-20%.
The photo information was interesting. The first two I uploaded were from earlier this month, two are from last year, and the last is I think 2 years old. Though the date stamp on the ones from last year is wrong. I'm just not a photogenic person, though I think those pictures are pretty good, if a bit bland.

[Eadin]

Maybe you should get some pictures taken by a professional.
Not a whole photoshoot, but a simple headshot.
I get one every year (and also request some small ones for my student card and when applying for a summer job).
I pay 15 euro (I think a bit less than 20 dollars)for 1 big one and 6 small ones, and I think it's a good investment anyway.
Just a suggestion though:smallsmile:

[MountainKing]

Photogenicism (if that's not a real word, it totally is now), sadly, is a difficult trait to master. To an extent, one can bolster it by practicing their smile (I know, sounds really dumb) and working on their self esteem and confidence. The former's benefit is obvious; that, hinged with (as Eadin suggested) a professional (or really good hobbyist) photographer, can make a really desirable photo. The last two things, however, are really more important once you're meeting the person... in... person. Ew, that sentence structure sucks. Forging ahead!

Meeting online is great, but the meeting in person part is HUGE! I cannot possibly over-state how big of a deal that is. When I first met my friend A, I went from my normal self, to this shy, self-conscious, awkward idiot. She absolutely blew my mind.

[term1nally s1ck]

Maybe you should get some pictures taken by a professional.
Not a whole photoshoot, but a simple headshot.
I get one every year (and also request some small ones for my student card and when applying for a summer job).
I pay 15 euro (I think a bit less than 20 dollars)for 1 big one and 6 small ones, and I think it's a good investment anyway.
Just a suggestion though:smallsmile:

Aha! I knew those photos that everyone was raving about couldn't be *that* impressive. So, got a pro to soften the lighting, maybe shoop out a few blemishes, eh? You wouldn't risk posting one of what you actually look like, for fear of criticism, I bet. :smalltongue:

As for that profile...Well, the huge thing that stands out, and makes me wonder, is that you come across as really quite nervous about the process. I can see someone talking about all of this, with one hand on his hair, and a sheepish smile on, looking all unsure.

CONFIDENCE. I really cannot stress how important that is. I guarantee that your success rate will shoot up as you seem to care less and less about whether she says yes or not.

If you want, I'll do a profile of the same stuff, but how I'd do it for the most attention.

[Eadin]

Aha! I knew those photos that everyone was raving about couldn't be *that* impressive. So, got a pro to soften the lighting, maybe shoop out a few blemishes, eh? You wouldn't risk posting one of what you actually look like, for fear of criticism, I bet. :smalltongue:



Actually, I have posted 2 'natural' pictures of me..One off them is me after a swim, so no make-up or even combed hair.
But no, nothing in my pictures is photoshopped.
I wouldn't do that.The guy is not a pro, it's just a hobby.
I didn't even wear things like concealer and foundation in those pictures.

[term1nally s1ck]

*Shrugs* I don't think I've even seen em, so fairy nuff, you're maybe not as shy as you claim to be :smalltongue:

[Eadin]

*Shrugs* I don't think I've even seen em, so fairy nuff, you're maybe not as shy as you claim to be :smalltongue:

No pictures of me in a bikini here :smallbiggrin:Just my face

[Syka]

Yeah, find a friend who does some photography stuff. Oz had to get some head shots to attach to a resume (yay film industry...even when you won't be on screen, you still need a head shot!). A guy he works with frequently is a huge camera buff (he even managed to make me photogenic!), and did it for free.


Pretty much all you need is a monotoned background (any color, preferably one that is flattering), some decent lighting (no need for faking it, use what you've got or maybe add a shaded lamp), and have someone go at it. :) A nice camera helps, too.

Heck, even having someone else just take dozens of head shots for you in a normal situation can work. I maybe get 1/30 self shots that look even decent, so quantity helps quality in this situation. :smallsmile:

ETA: I have to admit, I lol'ed at the "go die in a fire" bit on OKCupid.

[Erloas]

As for that profile...Well, the huge thing that stands out, and makes me wonder, is that you come across as really quite nervous about the process. I can see someone talking about all of this, with one hand on his hair, and a sheepish smile on, looking all unsure.

CONFIDENCE. I really cannot stress how important that is. I guarantee that your success rate will shoot up as you seem to care less and less about whether she says yes or not.

If you want, I'll do a profile of the same stuff, but how I'd do it for the most attention.

Well I've never been very confident in my writing, writing has been my bane since elementary school. And now the only thing I'm less confident about is talking to women... so not a great combination. I am however very confident in my ability to do just about anything else.

If you want to re-write a few parts, I would appreciate the input. Although I will probably change it some either way before updating the profile, if it doesn't feel like me the way it is writen.


As for pictures, I've got someone that can take some. Generally I just don't have pictures taken unless something is going on, and even then most people I hang out with aren't taking pictures all the time. I think the other 90% of the pictures I have of me are of me holding fish I caught, mostly because thats the only time anyone seems to take pictures when I'm around.

Oh, and reading all of the statistics on the OkCuipid blog posts with trends helps put a lot of things in perspective, at least in terms of the mess that is online dating sites.

[Iruka]

I sure hope I can take criticism...

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/lb-gb

edit: to start, one thing I'm not sure of is listing my income range. Its pretty good (in the 60-70 range), but I don't really think that should be an important factor. Though I don't know if not having anything would come across as good or bad.

I don't think you look bad on this photos, but I agree on the sunglasses. Try to get something similar to the first photo, but without sunglasses.

my recommendations for some of the other stuff:
- give some examples (sports/arts/something related to your job/...) under Really Good At
- Favourite books: put 'I mostly ready fantasy, some sci-fi.' at the beginning, then mention your favourite authors, then the classic stuff and that you usually select your books according to your moods.
- Favourite Movies: again, give some examples
- Favourite Music: give examples of this newer music you like
- Favourite Food: if you're a good cook, mention something you really like to prepare for yourself

From the music section and the comment on the picture with the hat I got a bit the impression that you tend to go "Sure I could change that thing I don't like, but eh ... why bother?" But maybe that's just me :smalltongue: