Coping with mental illness?

[onthetown]

I saw my doctor the other day and was given a prognosis of schizophrenia and possibly an anxiety disorder (I can't really call it a diagnosis as it will be awhile before I can go see a shrink to have them figure it out). This was brought on by the fact that I've been short of breath but my pulmonary function tests showed that I don't have asthma; when she asked if I thought it could be related to anxiety, I finally opened up to everything I had been putting off telling her (I was convinced that I wanted to get the breathing taken care of first before all the mind-related things).

I'm constantly paranoid about pretty much everything, especially dying in my sleep -- I've slept with my bedroom window open through all weather because I'm convinced, somehow, that it will save me. It might not be rational, but it's the only way I can sleep at night. That is, it's the only way I can sleep at night if I don't get a random pang of pain somewhere in my body; the instant I feel any pain, even if it's just a mild headache from worrying, I'm convinced that I'm dying of cancer or something equally bad. I have panic attacks over things that I shouldn't panic over, like how I took 20 minutes to compose myself after I saw a few ants crawling on my helmet out at the barn... but I don't have any phobias of bugs or any of the things that I freak out over. Sometimes I just panic for no reason. I've isolated myself to the point where I only see one friend on a regular basis, I only have two others that I really care for, and the others I'm scared to see because I'm paranoid that they hate me now. I do have interests and hobbies, but they're things that I can do alone so that I don't have to go out -- drawing, writing, music, spending time with my horse, making jewellry, etc. When I drink (not often -- one cooler every few weeks), I drink at home, often alone. If I see people talking, I automatically get paranoid to the point of crying that they're talking about me behind my back.

And the kicker: I have hallucinations. I didn't think that they were hallucinations, but my doctor gently assured me that no, people are not walking across the house's floorboards at night and I don't have to worry about them coming into my room to kill me. When I heard the door open but went in to find that it was closed, it likely never opened. All of the other noises and sounds that I've been hearing that freak me out because they don't seem to have a source? Pretty likely hallucinations.

(She's an incredible doctor, by the way. I used to be scared of her, but she's the kindest soul I've ever met.)

She's thinking schizophrenia because my father is a schizophrenic and it runs through families -- 40% of people who have one parent that have schizophrenia will also be diagnosed with it. Though there's a wide range of symptoms, mine are actually very constant with paranoid schizophrenia and with my father's old symptoms before he was medicated (with the exception that my hallucinations are auditory and his were visual).

She's going to set up an appointment with a shrink for me, but it will be many months before I can see said shrink -- still, she says, it's better to have an appointment and wait for months than never have one just because it's a bit of a wait. She doesn't want to miss anything because of my father's history. She also said that an anxiety disorder is a possibility, though not as much of one as schizophrenia, because of my panic attacks (I might just be getting them from the stress of living with the schizophrenia, if I have it).

As for the breathing... She said that she really wants to treat what's going on in my mind, as it's the most important problem we have right now. She gave me anti-anxiety medication to try to calm me down, since my symptoms get worse depending on how worked up I am (especially the hallucinations). This may also help the breathing if it's related to anxiety.

These meds are actually anti-depressants as well (I'm not depressed, I'm just taking them for the calming effect) and it's driving me crazy trying to get used to them. I've talked with my father and people who have been on anti-depressants or have gone through this, and they told me not to worry and that it might take a few days to get used to them. I felt sick and dizzy and weak and helpless the first day, then anxious and hyped up yesterday, and today I'm just extremely tired. Seems like I'm going in the right direction.

So, I'm waiting months for a true diagnosis. Until then, I'm on these meds that will calm me down and hopefully alleviate some of my symptoms, but I had more hallucinations last night before I fell asleep -- I heard several people walking up the basement stairs and through the kitchen and hallway toward my room, but everybody in the house was asleep. I'm glad I know now that they're just hallucinations, but they're nerve-wracking nonetheless.

I've grown up with mental illness being in the house because of my father, who didn't handle himself very well and often went off his medications so he could drink every night. I've been able to cope with it because I was coping with somebody else's problem; all I was doing was living my day to day life and trying to make my dad feel good. I've never actually had to cope with having it myself.

How do I do it? I haven't told my mother yet; it would be her worst nightmare to think that I'm turning out like my father, and my step-father would inevitably find out (even if I asked her not to tell him) and have a whole new angle to torment me from. Because I can't talk back to him (I may be 20 years old, but I still live at home and they don't make me pay rent so you couldn't pay me to be rude to them), my mother will think that I don't mind the teasing and she'll join in on it. I've told my dad about the medications as far as they're supposed to help my breathing, but not about what might be causing it -- I think he would be very upset, but moreso at himself than at me, and he's in a good place right now and I don't want to ruin that. My three close friends know about it and are trying to help me through it... But how do I cope with it myself?

Also: I went out on a limb and tried telling an older friend about it. We've reconnected recently because I'm going out to see her horse and spend time with him while she's at work, and she's a very empathetic person. Instead of support, all I got was denial. She didn't once tell me that it's okay to have a mental illness and that she wouldn't love me any less for having it; instead, she spent half an hour trying to convince me that I didn't have anything "wrong" with me and she didn't believe I was "like my father". Apparently, because I grew up in that environment, she believes that my doctor and I have labeled me to have it. My symptoms, including the hallucinations, are figments of my imagination because I've convinced myself that I have schizophrenia. Uh, hello? I never once convinced myself that I had any mental illness. I've thought about the possibility, but I haven't put much to it until now. When she realized I wasn't buying it, she changed direction and told me a story about a lady... "She wasn't schizophrenic, she was psychic. She believed all schizophrenics are psychic and just operate on a different level of existence." So, the noises across my floorboards? Spirits on a different level of existence. I'm sorry, but I think I want to treat my hallucinations instead of making money off of them claiming to be psychic -- especially since I'm the only one to hear them. She ended the conversation by saying, "Don't worry, onthetown, I don't think there's anything wrong with you." Needless to say, I'm a little disgusted with her right now.

Anyway, original topic. How do I cope with my symptoms until I can get a diagnosis?

[EmeraldRose]

The first thing I will tell you, is that I'm proud of you for reaching out to others. This is something that couldn't have been easy for you, and the fact that you are so willing to open up is amazing!

My recommendation is to continue to be open with your doctor, and as you wait for an appointment with a psychiatrist, ask your doctor if it is possible to also see a therapist, whether clinical social worker or psychologist. Talk therapy will work wonders sometimes.

Professionally, I am a social worker, and I work with people who have a large variety of mental illnesses, many of them with paranoid schizophrenia. You may find it helpful to have a few trusted people who can help you with "reality checks". Especially as you become accustomed to your possible new diagnoses.

Good luck to you, and if you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me...while I can't offer professional advice, I am more than willing to offer support.

[blackfox]

If you've been prescribed meds, the worst side effects (for SSRI's, which is what I'm guessing you're on, if they're both anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds) will calm down within a week or so--nausea and feeling keyed up and hyper especially. After about 3-6 weeks is when you'll start to feel significant relief from the anxiety. And once the anxiety is calmed down, you'll be more able to talk yourself down when you're hallucinating, especially now that you recognize that the hallucinations are just hallucinations.

Check out the Depression Thread--despite the name, it's for coping with all mental illnesses, not just depression. And my PM box is always open.

[onthetown]

Thanks :smallsmile: Once I started talking to my doctor it made it easier to talk to my friends and on here, but still not to my parents.

I have a follow-up in 3 weeks for the meds so I'll ask her about the therapist. I think she also does that, anyway.

[EmeraldRose]

Yeah, your doc will probably be keeping pretty close track of things for awhile, and often it takes several weeks before neuroleptics of most type have any real effect on your symptoms.

Keep track of the side effects and let her know, so she can help determine if they are working, or if others may work better.

[Ponderthought]

Having a good dose of crazy in the bloodlines rough, but you can deal with it. Mines got a history of manic depression (heavy on the depression, were morose folk) and schizophrenia as well, and weve all done well enough, save for a great great uncle out west that had to be confined. Your best resource is your friends. If you actually are mentally ill, they probably already know, its hard to hide. And if they know and have still stuck around, their people you can depend on. Your friend who was trying to convince you that it wasnt real is probably just trying to make you feel better.

On other things, are the hallucinations auditory or visual? Auditory hallucinations are quite common, even without a history, and can sometimes be attributed to the environment in witch you live. For instance, people who live out in the boondocks like me often hear funny noises, and it usually just turns out to be our mind trying to fill up the silence, or amplifying regular old ambient noise.

When it comes to medication be very careful. Medication is often necessary, but medical doctors are often over fond of using drugs to solve everything. Dont be afraid to tell your doctor if your meds arent working, and especially if you feel their making you act strange.

I dunno if my advice is useful, but I sympathize with you. PM me any time you need to.

[onthetown]

The hallucinations are auditory, and they're blatantly hallucinations. I was sitting in the livingroom with my mother and very clearly heard the front door open; she didn't hear it and the door was still closed. I've also heard (and am convinced that there are) people walking around the house at night trying to kill me. People heavy enough to cause footsteps outside my room, when there are only cats...

[MonkeyBusiness]

On the Town, you are one tough cookie! It is very brave of you to talk to your doctor, and to take the medications! Stick with them, and be patient with your body's responses.

I'm so sorry to learn that the friend you confided in was less than understanding. That's the unfortunate experience of so many folks who suffer any kind of illness or loss when they try to reach out. It's not fair ... but it's also not about you.

Start a list of things you want to ask your doctor when you follow up in three weeks. Write it down.

I am so glad you are spending time with the horse! I think that will be terrific for you, because animal therapy is a really effective way of helping to cope with anxiety. I encourage you to keep spending time with Horse.

May I suggest that you ask your doctor about finding you a support group. That would give you a place to ask questions and confide your concerns in a safe environment.

Good luck. When it gets tough, remind yourself that you've made it this far without any help. Now that you have help, you can really start to take control of the symptoms you experience.

-Monkey

[EmeraldRose]

Well, not to minimize what you are experiencing, but it's amazing how loud cats can be at times when they run around in the middle of the night!

Seriously though, I agree with Ponder, it is very possible that many of your close friends and relatives either suspect or have a pretty good idea of what may be going on. Talk to them when you are ready.

[MonkeyBusiness]

An additional thought I had:

It sounds as if the worst anxiety (& therefore the worst hallucinations) occur at night. That's a pretty common experience, sadly. You mention that there are cats in your home. If you feel comfortable letting one stay in your room at night, that can help. The presence of a kitty can be comforting. It can also help you to learn to assess the reality of your experiences. If you think you hear footsteps outside your bedroom door, but the cat seems unconcerned, you know you are having a hallucination. You might still feel anxious, but the knowledge that it is a hallucination will help.

And cats won't judge your symptoms.

I hope that helps.

-Monkey

[KenderWizard]

That's terrible news to get, but it's good you're getting such kindness and support from your doctor, she sounds great.

I agree with the cat and horse therapies, animals are very calming and can make you feel really good about yourself. Humans can be good too. It would be understandable for you to be less enthusiastic to share your feelings since your friend took such a different view to yours, but opening up to your other very close friends will probably help in the long run, and friendships are especially important in times of stress. You just have to be clear that you don't need meaningless denials or the like, you just need some companionship and support. That's what friends are for!

I don't know you or your situation, but you come across as so sensible and open that it sounds to me like you have the strength to cope with this.

[blackfox]

Thanks :smallsmile: Once I started talking to my doctor it made it easier to talk to my friends and on here, but still not to my parents.

I have a follow-up in 3 weeks for the meds so I'll ask her about the therapist. I think she also does that, anyway.Parents are difficult. Doctors (that remain in practice, anyways...) don't judge, and friends usually don't judge, but with parents there's an element of wanting/needing approval. My whole anxiety disorder thing got started/treated while I was still in high school, so the parents thing was a bit less of an issue, but I understand how hard it is to talk about these things to your parents--it's a bit like coming out or what have you.

Even if the therapist can't prescribe meds, they should be familiar with medication, side effects, etc., and they should be able to advise on any questions or concerns you have.

[onthetown]

Thanks guys... Yeah, my horse is pretty much what's keeping me somewhat sane at this point, I think. :smalltongue: If it weren't for him, I'd be a lot more nervous and worked up. Though riding is what calms me down and focuses me the most... but my helmet is broken right now so I need to find a new one before I can start doing that again. Just being with him helps, though.

My cat sleeps with me at night, so that helps.

I'm starting my list of things I have to ask her in a few weeks. It's getting lengthy. Hope she likes clearing her schedule.

And Kender, thank you :smallbiggrin: As anxious as I am, I try to keep my head about me no matter what's going on. There's nothing worse than losing your cool when something unpredictable catches you off guard...

[Capt Spanner]

First off, be open about it with your friends, partner and those close to you. (I get the feeling that, if you're posting here that's already the case.) They can be supportive and understanding only if they know what's going on.

For some of them it may be a bitter pill to swallow (like the person mentioned at the end of the OP). They'll either come to terms with it and accept it, or they won't. Some people might be in a state of denial because they don't want it to be true, because they care about you. The ones that don't come to terms with it can, and should, bite the dust.

Most importantly, if some closed-minded "friends" decide they can't cope, don't blame yourself for it. That way lies madness. If they can't deal with it, it's their issue and not one you need worry yourself about.

As for coping with anxiety: find an outlet for it. I live with a very close friend diagnosed with BPD, and she has many coping outlets for her anxiety, but they all come down to the same activity: she finds something to do with her hands that will occupy her mind. Knitting, for example, or jewellery making (which she later sells on eBay for bonus wins), or just writing herself endless "To-do" lists. You may find similar strategies work for yourself.

With regards to paranoia, I can be of less help. All humans are naturally somewhat paranoid. Anyone who walks past someone in the street, and can't hear what they're talking and laughing about will - even if only momentarily - assume they're being laughed at. Anyone who says otherwise is lying. I can't really suggest coping strategies here. Your meds will probably help (especially if they're anti-psychotic).

If you feel the paranoia stems from feeling out of control, learn some basic breathing exercises (http://www.vocalist.org.uk/breathing_exercises.html#Breathing-Exercises) and, when feeling paranoid, exert control over your breath, and just focus as far as you can on your breathing. This has a calming effect, and can also really help deal with panic attacks.


I hope this can be of some help to you, and I wish you all the best.


Capt. Spanner.

[golentan]

Hey, there.

I'm in a sort of similar boat (diagnosed schizoaffective several years back). The following is based on my experience coping a couple years ahead of you (diagnosed earlier, a few years older now). I can only give you personal guidelines, which the first line should tell you to take with a grain of salt.:

All I can really advise you is to take things at your own pace. For example, if the first medicine they try you on isn't working (or works erratically), switch to a different one until you find something that works. If company makes symptoms worse, go for some long hikes. If loneliness does, go to a club. You say your animal buddies help, so that's probably a great start. What you don't want to do is sit around: it's too easy to get locked into a spiral. Physical activity is good for the mind, and exercise and new experiences go a huge way towards helping.

And, as odd as it sounds, there are times when it's not worth fighting the symptoms. The window thing you mention, for example. Leave 'er open: it doesn't do any harm, and if you tire yourself out resisting every compulsion or symptom or whatever you want to call it you might not have energy for the things that matter. My main symptoms are delusions: I don't even bother pretending to fight them on the forums here, or with my close friends (they know about it and make allowances) because it's not worth the exhaustion. Picking your battles can make a huge difference.

Similarly, don't let people tell you which battles are worth picking. If you just can't handle something at this stage, don't let someone peer pressure you into misery. My family expected I'd go to university despite what I was going through so I forced myself to put up with it when I wasn't ready, and the stress inflamed things to the point where it became life threatening.

In general, though, I'd say don't let the diagnosis rule you. "Schizophrenia" is a big, broad term. Just like "Autism Spectrum Disorder" or "Autoimmune Disorder." Yeah, at the worst ends it can be pretty bad. And the worst ones (inflated beyond reality by T.V. in many cases) are what people think of if they aren't familiar. But you don't necessarily have the same prognosis as your dad. You sound high functioning and self aware, just use your own well being as a guidebook and avoid self medication or ignoring those who care about you.

Out of curiosity, and if it's not too personal, what are your specific symptoms? Because as I said, Schizo is a big, broad field, and the nitty gritty does change a lot of how to cope with it day to day.

[thubby]

antidepressants take forever to get up and running. and ya, until they do, they suck. if you didn't ask already, ask how long it will take to expect results (it depends on the meds, among other things)

[onthetown]

I'd rather not get into the specific symptoms, but that's a good lot of advice.

I'm not getting sick from the meds anymore, which is good. Now I'm just tired. And this week is a 60 hour week at work with a few 12 hour shifts where I'm given very few breaks. Not to mention I don't get a day off between today and next Friday... Oh, this'll be interesting.

One battle I'm not going to be picking anytime soon is my parents. They know about the meds, but only as far as the meds are supposed to help my breathing. It feels like my boyfriend is trying to pressure me into telling them about the prognosis by guilt-tripping and apathy ("I just feel you should tell them... but that's just me... It's your problem..." sort of thing). I've brought it up with him but he's still being an annoyance. Bleh.

Thanks, guys.

[Obrysii]

You may find it helpful to have a few trusted people who can help you with "reality checks". Especially as you become accustomed to your possible new diagnoses.

As someone whose father and grandmother both have paranoid schritzophrenia, and someone who is likely to develop it in his future (showing some symptoms, don't want to get into that), this is among the best advice I think someone can give.

The problem comes when you stop trusting those people. I have three friends who serve as reality checks, and sometimes it is hard to wonder, "do they just hate me?" ... and I have to sit and little force myself to realize that they couldn't hate me, because, well - why would they hang out with me and help me out so much with things? Specially one friend does most of the work on my car for practically free ("Just buy me a drink"). He wouldn't help me if he hated me.

So yeah. Have a friend or two whom you know you can trust with your life. And tell them. Tell them that they're there to ground you, to make you realize what's going on.

[thubby]

One battle I'm not going to be picking anytime soon is my parents. They know about the meds, but only as far as the meds are supposed to help my breathing. It feels like my boyfriend is trying to pressure me into telling them about the prognosis by guilt-tripping and apathy ("I just feel you should tell them... but that's just me... It's your problem..." sort of thing). I've brought it up with him but he's still being an annoyance. Bleh.

that sounds to me like he's trying to not pressure you, while still giving his advice.

[shadow_archmagi]

My condolences.

[valadil]

I'm sorry to hear it. One of my friends was diagnosed with it within the past couple years and I've seen how much trouble it caused him.

From my armchair psychologist position, I think you should tell your parents. Of course I'm making that judgment without actually knowing you, them, or your relationship to them, so take it with a grain of salt. But my thought is that your paranoia is why you're expecting such a bad result from them. I'm pretty damn sure they'll be more supportive than you're expecting. I also think your father would be a good place to start since he'll understand what you're going through better than anyone.

Anyway, my friend stays sane by sticking to his comfort zone. He knows where he feels safe and won't get anxiety attacks. He doesn't hide in there all the time, but he knows where that comfort zone is so that he always has a safe place to go back to. He also spends a lot more time online. I think the anxiety and paranoia of dealing with people doesn't hit him when he's not interacting face to face. I haven't actually asked about that one though, so maybe there's another reason.

[onthetown]

The boyfriend is saying it in a way that, while his words mean that there's no pressure, his tone is almost trying to nudge me along. It could just be paranoia, but he really sounds disgusted with me when he says it. It's almost sarcastic.

I really don't feel comfortable telling my parents right now. As I said, I don't want to upset my dad and my mom would tell my stepdad who would torment me and I can't talk back to him so my mom would think it was okay and she would start to tease me as well. *takes deep breath* At the very least, I'm going to wait for a diagnosis.

Thanks for all of your kind words and advice, everybody. :smallsmile: The medications are no longer making me sick, just very tired, so that's a good thing to add to my mental list of Things That Mean The World Isn't Ending. (Also on that list are bagels. I love bagels.)