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Volos
2010-07-27, 04:33 PM
What is the most awesome/terrifying thing you have ever said as a DM or heard from your DM as a player?

As of yet, my best quote is...

(After listening to the crazy plan one of my players had to set the wheat field ablaze to kill the zombie army that was marching through it toward the city) "...alright... you set the field ablaze. Now not only have you destroyed what food supply these poor people had to rely on, but you also have an flaming army of zombies. Marching. Toward you. Good Luck."

WarKitty
2010-07-27, 04:35 PM
"It works."

Used properly that is the most terrifying phrase. Ever. Especially when the PC's just did something really stupid.

Xallace
2010-07-27, 04:36 PM
"Alright, you look around the room, but the light is practically non-existent. However, from within the darkness you hear some water dripping, mice scurrying about, a wail as though of a thousand tortured souls, air funneling through tiny cracks in the-"

"Wait, what was that?"

"Air funneling through tiny cracks?"

Ormagoden
2010-07-27, 04:44 PM
"Roll for initiative."

"And then the dragon rages."

"This is my son, he's 14 and he'll be playing with you in this battle interactive."

"It looks like some bizarre, nonintelligent beast. It has a pair of complex, three-part ears that it can adjust to be more or less sensitive to various sounds. It is blind, yet hunts with a sense of hearing."

"You find amongst the pile of gold coins a small deck of old looking cards."

While genning NPC baddies in shadowrun...
"Whats the availability on a Barret anyway?"

Zen Master
2010-07-27, 04:48 PM
I had a very ... lets call it 'inexperienced' DM once, a long time ago. An encounter went something along the lines of this:

DM: You are suddenly ambushed by an army of mounted knights. They are almost in charge range.

Us: But wait ... we're travelling through plainsland. How did an army of riders suddenly appear?

DM: They were hidden by the tall grass!

Us: Um - but how tall is this grass again? Does it reach higher than a man on a horse?!?!

DM: Well - there are hills. They were behind the hills.

Us: Err ... just a second ago you told us this was a flat plainsland open to the horizon. We can see mountains to the east, and the forest we came from to the west.

Since all this is correct, he alters his explanation.

DM: Well - they were invisible.

Us: Ooookay. Right. So they are fully armored knights on heavy warhorses with barding? And not quite in charge range?

DM: Erm ... yes!

Us: Well - ok. We're all on riding horses. We flee - they cannot catch us.

DM: No, you can't. You're completely surrounded!

Us: Oh. Ok. So an entire army surrounded us - while invisible, true - but we never heard anything? Didn't even get to check?

DM: Silenced, too!

Us: Well ok - horses can be replaced. We cast fly spells, and fly away.

At this point, the stress was really beginning to show. We were clearly meant to be captured, but ... well he could have at least handled it believably. He tried to tell us there wasn't time for 5 fly spells, but we had three casters, one guy with a wand, and one with a flight item.

DM: Ok - one out of every three riders is a wizard. They, too, cast fly, and intercept you.

At this point we left the table and went home.

More of a story than a quote. Hm. Still, it's so absurd it still brings a smile to me =)

Zen Master
2010-07-27, 04:51 PM
"Alright, you look around the room, but the light is practically non-existent. However, from within the darkness you hear some water dripping, mice scurrying about, a wail as though of a thousand tortured souls, air funneling through tiny cracks in the-"

"Wait, what was that?"

"Air funneling through tiny cracks?"

Heheh ... this is great. I have a player like that, he hardly ever pays complete attention, and is extremely likely to remember irrelevant details, but completely miss the important bits =)

grimbold
2010-07-27, 04:54 PM
(in a renaissance style setting were explosives are present but rarely used due to unreliability)

DM
"a small hissing object drops from the ceiling"

"I shoot it with my crossbow" (assuming it was a snake so i did not wait for his description)

"It explodes and deals 5d6 damage to each of the characters"

"What the heck?"

"It was a grenade next time wait for me to describe it"

Hzurr
2010-07-27, 05:01 PM
"Huh....I hadn't thought of that. Ok, yeah, I guess that would work."

Dust
2010-07-27, 05:07 PM
"You enter a large, nondescript square room. The hair on the back of your neck stands on end, but.....*rifles through notes*...what types of vision does everyone have, again? Any Detect spells active? Okay. You see and sense nothing."

Volos
2010-07-27, 05:08 PM
"And then the Half-Orc rages... and frenzies... and turns into a black bear."
- Me as DM, describing the actions of the Half-Orc Barbarian/Bear Warrior/Frenzied Bezerker

Zen Master
2010-07-27, 05:11 PM
(in a renaissance style setting were explosives are present but rarely used due to unreliability)

DM
"a small hissing object drops from the ceiling"

"I shoot it with my crossbow" (assuming it was a snake so i did not wait for his description)

"It explodes and deals 5d6 damage to each of the characters"

"What the heck?"

"It was a grenade next time wait for me to describe it"

You should have rolled with it.

'Moradins beard, exploding snakes! What kinda twisted mind are we dealing with here. Best be careful - do we have any magic to calm them?'

Scarey Nerd
2010-07-27, 05:23 PM
Ah, the infamous Combusting Brothel...

Me: *sigh* The brothel spontaneously combusts!
Party: Well then it's not spontaneous, is i-
Me: WELL THEN IT JUST COMBUSTS!

Calimehter
2010-07-27, 05:23 PM
The one my players seem to remember best is from a long-ago 2nd ed. AD&D session in which one of the PC's had been captured by the bad guys. Rather than kill him, they introduced him to a mind flayer who was working with them.

DM: "Save vs. spells"

Player:[rolls, then announces triumphantly] "Made it!"

DM: "Okay. Keep rolling saves and let me know when you fail one" [turns to rest of party to run their characters]


Somehow, that line has hung on through the years and gets brought out anytime the GM has the character over a barrel . . .

Naia
2010-07-27, 05:44 PM
The quote is in itself not particularly awesome, but the effect on the players definitely was. It it still quoted to this day by the players - in OOP situations too.

I was GMing a WFRP campaign and we were on the third or fourth adventure. By this time the PCs were pretty tough and not easy to challenge (or scare). They were roaming around in a really nasty castle (Drachenfels), but rather cocky and sure of themselves. Until they opened a door to a chamber with a beutiful young woman sitting besides a casket. I only smiled and said the two words "Goood eeevening" - but with a Bela Lugosi intonation. The players visibly paled, and the PCs actually panicked and fled. They could have killed the vampire relatively easy, as her Master hadn't risen yet, but her/my composure convinced them that she was an übervamp.

Fuzzie Fuzz
2010-07-27, 05:54 PM
The sheep attacks.

Magicyop
2010-07-27, 06:06 PM
[after rolling behind a screen]

DM: Ooohh. Uh-oh.

Ravens_cry
2010-07-27, 06:27 PM
"But. . ."
Along with its synonyms, it is among the scariest words a DM can utter.
Just as your brain is starting the ebullient high of success, these words are as a cold shower, snatching defeat from the clasp of victory.
Bastard.

Morph Bark
2010-07-27, 06:44 PM
[after rolling behind a screen]

DM: Ooohh. Uh-oh.

Oh, the times I uttered this...

Dr.Epic
2010-07-27, 06:49 PM
PC: This is boring.
DM: I'm sorry. Have a ring of three wishes. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YrUwDE0HG0&feature=PlayList&p=C15F56DA35ED02DF&playnext=1&index=44)

slexlollar89
2010-07-27, 06:50 PM
"the figure stretches and towers over you. What was once a grisly faced elderly man in green has become a nightmare of claws and spines, as the eight arms grasp and level a colossal stone spear upon it's shoulders, and the scorpions tail that was moments ago hidden among the tall grass and burned bodies rises up and writhes before your eyes. The many pincered face churns itself into a hideous mockery of a fetid grin, and it crackles a reply, 'very well I'll fight you'"

said by Zan-do-Zan, the thri-kreen inspired hybrid NPC (imagine the arachnid from star ship troopers combined with the Predator with cockroach like durability, and throw in a scorpion). One of my players, a dragoon style knight, decided to challenge this guy after using an artifact to scry "the greatest spear wielder in the world". Yeah, he actually, won, but the regeneration the creature has kicked in and he was coming back for revenge. The campaign ended before we could finish this little feud, but the idea is still there.

kudos to anyone who gets the name too.

Yukitsu
2010-07-27, 07:05 PM
"I'd describe how horrifying the dragon is to you, but the party dread witch is a lot scarier, so I'll just say it's about half as scary as the little girl."

Stompy
2010-07-27, 08:53 PM
PC: If you roll a 20 or higher, we're all dead.
DM (me) rolling 4d6: 21

aivanther
2010-07-27, 09:14 PM
Actual conversation:

Player rolls nat 20: "Sweet, 20 attack...max damage to!"
DM: "Wow, I really didn't expect it, but you've defeated the lieutenant!"
Players: "Wait, the lieutenant?!"

Yeah, evidently we were supposed to run, or at least get maimed and left for dead or some such. Instead, the guy we thought was a BBEG got killed and we had to deal with BBEG...at 1/4 hp and without many spells left...

Traveler
2010-07-27, 10:23 PM
I have two.

"O.K. Seriously, what are actually doing?"
He thought we were joking. He was wrong.

Player: "How is it doing?" After doing over a hundred points of damage.
DM: Looks down at his notes for a moment, shrugges his shoulders, and says "Eh."

Marillion
2010-07-27, 10:39 PM
This one isn't really scary, but I greatly enjoyed it.

"His name is Senor...Ablah. And he will fight to the death anyone who pronounces his name too quickly."

"High or low in the party's favor?"

"Come here and confirm these rolls, please."

"So, I spent a lot of time in the cooler this week." *editor's note: the cooler at his place of employment is where our DM comes up with ideas for the campaign

"His eyes turn pitch black as he reaches his hand out to you." *editor's note: This man, the BBEG of the current story arc, was using a sorcery that a:was supposed to have been exterminated 1500 years ago and b:could corrode your flesh with a touch

"You knock the book into the fire? Right. It doesn't burn, and it starts screaming."

"Perception checks!"

And of course, "You sure about that?"

Kalrik
2010-07-27, 10:39 PM
"you may, of course, accept such an action?"

"Are you absolutely sure you want to do this?"

"You WHAT?"

and my personal favorite, when our party was up against a nightmare beast and we were going to attack the beast with a completely non magical lance that we divined would lead us to victory. The lance was actually the lost proof of royalty for a local kingdom and returning it to the rightful king would have given us an uber reward; the lance had absolutely no other value or power.

DM: "hehe hehe hehe, oh god" *starts laughing so hard he crys, then leaves the room. Players hear him howling in the other room*

WarKitty
2010-07-27, 10:44 PM
"It works. You burn the books that you were supposed to return the the guild."

At least I *hope* I scared a few of them...if not the assassin they've attracted should do it. :smallamused:

Lycan 01
2010-07-27, 10:51 PM
Me, in response to a player rolling a 01 in a small janitor's closet in an empty subway tunnel: YOU FOUND JIMMY HOFFA!!

Me, in response to a rather nasty headshot: HIS FACE IS IN YOUR MUTTON CHOPS!!



Call of Cthulhu is quite fun. :3

The Glyphstone
2010-07-27, 11:10 PM
Me, in a one-shot with the party exploring a Mario-like demiplane, the fighter and rogue grappling to see who explored the warp pipe first:

"The pirahna plant scores a critical hit."

Ponderthought
2010-07-27, 11:25 PM
Ive a few favorites

"Yes, mounted on a beholder"
I am a cruel man.

"Are you sure you want to throw him?" (sad thing, i actually made the balance and jump checks after he threw me. The coolest errol flynn impression ever.)

"The old man wakes up"
After one of my characters decided their mentor npc was planted. Trying to kill General Daigo in his sleep was a poor choice.

"The fuze begins to fizzle"
I blew up a town.Never give PC's access to gunpowder in face of eldritch horrors. End of story.

jscrib777
2010-07-27, 11:25 PM
DM: You enter a shop with a strange salesman who asks what you would like to purchase
Me: What's the most expensive quarterstaff I can afford?
DM: The shoopkeeper shows you a strange glowing staff that appears to be made of lightning.
Me: I'll take it! I shall call it... Fizz-bitch, for that shall be the sound my enemies will hear as it descends on their helms. *fsssssssssss... BITCH!!!*

RandomLunatic
2010-07-27, 11:30 PM
"[Make a] Will save." 'Nuff said.

devinkowalczyk
2010-07-27, 11:42 PM
It is covered in Cilia...

Yes, the answer to the riddle is Semen

Oh WOW!

Give me all those minis...

Sir_Elderberry
2010-07-27, 11:50 PM
"...and you are all dazed." Usually, the players say something like "oh, ok, well, we got the encounter power out of the way." Then I do it again the next round...

FallenWarriorIV
2010-07-28, 12:12 AM
Dire Tarrasque. With class levels.

Da'Shain
2010-07-28, 12:12 AM
"Give me a fort save not to vomit at the sight of the sheer horror you've just inflicted on this priest."

Allanimal
2010-07-28, 12:19 AM
Not really a quote, but when my DM starts rubbing his hands together and grinning, we know we're in trouble...

BobVosh
2010-07-28, 12:29 AM
"Lets see what happens...hmmm, 34...heh heh heh."

Masterclick
2010-07-28, 01:44 AM
"You get fired out of the giant ballista. Unfortunately, none of the other party members have a spatula, so you live out the rest of your immortal life as a splatted stain on the wall of the tomb: a living warning to those who would seek to steal its treasures."

Jjeinn-tae
2010-07-28, 01:57 AM
I was DMing a solo campaign, the player had been pursuing the BBEG (A Fire Genasi Wizard) for a while through a little death trap of a dungeon, who had high ground that was unreachable from the entrance. The last room:

"As you enter the room, about the same size as the previous, there are two things that immediately strike you. First, at either side of the room there are stairs leading to the balcony that the mage has been shooting at you from. Second, the room is completely cluttered with wooden objects, from wheelbarrows and buckets, to bows." "Psst" The player turns around looking up at the wizard on the balcony. "He's holding a sliver of flame, he then drops it down to your level, immediately every wooden object bursts into flames simultaneously."

If anyone's interested, one round later the wizard was subdued.

Lord Vukodlak
2010-07-28, 02:25 AM
"Clever girl"
Before the PC cleric was pounced on by a deathclaw. *it climbed a tree to reach the cleric's elevated position ontop of a skeletal dire elephant.*

Whenever I do the Goo-Bang cackle it makes my PC's shiver.

My lizardman said this one once.
"My grandfather always said two things to, first if you can't do something smart do something right and second Zorr your an idiot"

Ingus
2010-07-28, 03:46 AM
After a tough battle in a temple of Cyric (party level 8th)
Percentage dice rolling
"From behind a pillar, a short, pale man came out. He's redhead and brings along a black sun symbol (Cyrics) He's smiling: <My, my... long time I had no visitors.>
(A salve of mighty attacks ensues)
"After all of this, the dust goes down and the short, pale man is watching you, unscratched.
<Now my turn>."


"It doesn't work". The more is repeated., the more is scaring


"The mighty, fierce Balor's sword is stopped by the little girl's naked hand. She smiles. The Balor bows, trembling"


"You and your army of soldiers burst in a large room. It seems an enormous library, with a single consultation table. A small creature is head-buried in study when you enter. He turns towards you, snarls and says: "Please, I'm not hungry jet: I already had my diner"

RE:Insanity
2010-07-28, 03:53 AM
You should have rolled with it.

'Moradins beard, exploding snakes! What kinda twisted mind are we dealing with here. Best be careful - do we have any magic to calm them?'

My next adventure will feature rattlesnakes that explode when under duress.

Player(me): I press the buttons.
DM: which one?
Player: Why does it matter?
DM: Makes it easier to describe how you died.
Player: Can I just say I ran into the door that looks like a demon mouth?

Naia
2010-07-28, 04:31 AM
"The mighty, fierce Balor's sword is stopped by the little girl's naked hand. She smiles. The Balor bows, trembling"


Yeah - I would run. Screaming. :smalleek:

Kurald Galain
2010-07-28, 04:52 AM
Me: "You're on fire. Roll a willpower check if you want to do anything besides rolling on the ground screaming."
Player: "...I'll roll and scream."

Player with a low-int character: "How do I think I can open this lock?"
Me: "You think hitting it with your fist will probably help."

Me: "The orc throws something at you... (rolls) you are hit by some kind of flask, and you're now wet."
Player: "I ignore it and fire an arrow."
Me: "Next round. Another orc draws an arrow, lights it on fire, and shoots at you. Suddenly you realize you're soaked in Greek fire."

grimbold
2010-07-28, 05:03 AM
In tomb of horrors talking about the boss

DM (smiling)- he's only got ac 26 and +8 to hit, you can take him.
Me- ok um yeah i attack- ooh look 29 damage
DM - damage reduction 25 baby
Me- Crap
(later in the fight)

Dm-Make a DC 33 fortitude save
Me- ahhh CRAP!
Dm your body is completely destroyed AND SO IS YOUR SOUL
MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

he seriously laughed.

Scarey Nerd
2010-07-28, 05:06 AM
I forgot, something that made me laugh myself silly last session:

Me: You enter a room with 3 dishevelled Zombies.
Party: Ah, these will be easy, they can't have much health so this should be a walk in the park!

They begin to do about 4 damage each to the Zombies with piercing weapons, not knowing they have DR 5/Slashing...

Tyndmyr
2010-07-28, 05:53 AM
DM: So, which path do you choose?
Player 1: I crawl into the deamon mouth, crossbow first.
Player 2: Ooo, good idea.
DM: Your crossbow is sucked from your grasp, and you hear a sucking sound as it vanishes into the darkness.
Player 1: Dammit, I gotta have my crossbow. Im diving in headfirst.
Player 2: Im diving in right behind him.




Are you SURE you want to do that?

Vantharion
2010-07-28, 07:28 AM
"And you enter 'The Pagan Wench'." (Which is an Inn)

War Cleric's idol/hero is named 'Findalus Prynius'
Players are dealing with a cultist uprising in a capital city...
War Cleric casts 'Speak with Dead' on a cultist corpse. I couldve choose to straight out mislead them by worming around the specific words they chose.
However, they quickly found out the leader of the Cult was a woman named "Our-Our Lee-leee-leader is G-g-Get-Getta...Leade-Leader is.. Getta Prynius."
War Cleric looked at me hilariously.
If a player EVER casts Speak with Dead, it is a BEAUTIFUL moment in which you can be really dramatic.

DM: A small ghostly child comes out of grey colorless field. She is dressed in a pale white robe and walks steadily towards you. "Come play with us"
Me: I shoot it with two arrows.
DM: *Facepalm*
Ghost little girls were actually good guys... so they were approaching the paranoid cowardous ranger in the Shadow Realm... errr Plane! and saying perhaps the CREEPIEST things imaginable.

Ingus
2010-07-28, 09:05 AM
DM: A small ghostly child comes out of grey colorless field. She is dressed in a pale white robe and walks steadily towards you. "Come play with us"
Me: I shoot it with two arrows.
DM: *Facepalm*
Ghost little girls were actually good guys... so they were approaching the paranoid cowardous ranger in the Shadow Realm... errr Plane! and saying perhaps the CREEPIEST things imaginable.

Stanley Kubrik's fault, I guess :smallbiggrin:

Chiron0224
2010-07-28, 09:51 AM
favorite DM quote was my buddy "Tim".

Us:Dear god we're dying here, what's the CR on that thing?
Him:Whoops! I was looking at the stats for the TRULY HORRID umber hulk.

9mm
2010-07-28, 10:24 AM
Players: "wild; often correct accusations"
Me: "I have no idea what your talking about"

Theo Hammond
2010-07-28, 10:34 AM
Dark Heresy - Adventure in the back of the main rulebook.

Talking as the Npc sage: "We stand to travel to Stern Hope at behest of the Abbot Skae wh-...Abbot Skae...Oh good grief..."

If you don't get it try saying it out loud. I honestly cannot fathom how that name got through play-testing, sucked all serious right out of the session in one foul swoop.

WarKitty
2010-07-28, 10:35 AM
"Ok, sure. It works. What are you doing now?"

Works best when the PC's know there should be some dire consequence for what they just did.

Megaduck
2010-07-28, 10:52 AM
"Just as planned."

Choco
2010-07-28, 11:05 AM
*rolls dice* "Hmm.. how much HP did you say you had left again?"

DM: "Everyone who thinks they survived the blast raise their hands"
*players, who were all at full hp, all raise their hands*
DM: "You, you, and you should probably lower yours...."

"You say WHAT to WHO?"

"You can try, but don't blame me for what happens"

"I think we should end the session right there for the night, to give me time to TRY to come up with a believable reason to keep you alive past the next 6 seconds..."

*rolls dice* "Is -134 the new 'Deadest PC Ever' recordholder?"

Caphi
2010-07-28, 11:09 AM
Why are so many of these basically "oh, there is something dangerous coming up"?

9mm
2010-07-28, 11:44 AM
Why are so many of these basically "oh, there is something dangerous coming up"?

because most games are a transitions between two things: extreme stupidity and extreme terror.

Xallace
2010-07-28, 11:49 AM
If you don't get it try saying it out loud.

I still don't get it. :smallconfused:


Why are so many of these basically "oh, there is something dangerous coming up"?

DMs tend to find it funny, I suppose? I more feel like most of these (my own included) are "you had to be there" moments.

Ormur
2010-07-28, 12:25 PM
We are fighting an epic level black dragon in one campaign and he had just attacked my character's manor and left a lot of injured peasants. My character was away and rushed back with a few clerics the moment he heard. One of the injured peasants asks for him, claiming to have important information regarding the dragon.

My character comes into the tent and the horribly burnt peasant begs to hold his hand.

As I take it the DM rolls a grapple check, tells me I have no way of gettin loose and the peasant (DM) says with his deepest voice:

"I've been looking forward to meeting you Theolonius (my character)", in draconic.

dentrag2
2010-07-28, 12:50 PM
Dark Heresy:
I'm a third rank guardsman.
"Yeah, uh, that shadow in the building? That's Kharn The Betrayer. And five Berserkers."


Interestingly enough, I survived that one.

Mikeavelli
2010-07-28, 01:45 PM
I had a very ... lets call it 'inexperienced' DM once, a long time ago. An encounter went something along the lines of this:

DM: You are suddenly ambushed by an army of mounted knights. They are almost in charge range.

Us: But wait ... we're travelling through plainsland. How did an army of riders suddenly appear?

DM: They were hidden by the tall grass!

Us: Um - but how tall is this grass again? Does it reach higher than a man on a horse?!?!

DM: Well - there are hills. They were behind the hills.

Us: Err ... just a second ago you told us this was a flat plainsland open to the horizon. We can see mountains to the east, and the forest we came from to the west.

Since all this is correct, he alters his explanation.

DM: Well - they were invisible.

Us: Ooookay. Right. So they are fully armored knights on heavy warhorses with barding? And not quite in charge range?

DM: Erm ... yes!

Us: Well - ok. We're all on riding horses. We flee - they cannot catch us.

DM: No, you can't. You're completely surrounded!

Us: Oh. Ok. So an entire army surrounded us - while invisible, true - but we never heard anything? Didn't even get to check?

DM: Silenced, too!

Us: Well ok - horses can be replaced. We cast fly spells, and fly away.

At this point, the stress was really beginning to show. We were clearly meant to be captured, but ... well he could have at least handled it believably. He tried to tell us there wasn't time for 5 fly spells, but we had three casters, one guy with a wand, and one with a flight item.

DM: Ok - one out of every three riders is a wizard. They, too, cast fly, and intercept you.

At this point we left the table and went home.

More of a story than a quote. Hm. Still, it's so absurd it still brings a smile to me =)

Very similar situation happened to me, except it was with Hill Giants that snuck up to us in the middle of waist-height grass, and we just fought them instead of running away.

We made fun of the DM for that "ambush" for nearly half a year afterwards.

Chiron0224
2010-07-28, 02:18 PM
Player was playing a favored soul of Pelor. We were in the sewers and completely cornered by a very, VERY, large dragon we had no hope of defeating. The dragon is upset that an npc has snuck into his layer and, terrified of the dragon, hasn't left, but has entered a room to small for the dragon to enter and has been living off of rats and such and has gone insane and won't go away. The favored soul decides to use fascinate on the insane man and tells him that he is going to take him to see Pelor. He leads the man to the dragon and says "see, here is Pelor" and as expected the dragon eats him. Battle ensues, because the dragon is a backstabbing *******, and most of us die early on. Then the following occured.

Favored soul:I grab the suit of demonic armor that we spotted amongst the treasure and run for the exit.
DM:Really? You don't try to heal anybody? Also it's demonic armor.
Favored soul:Yeah, but their beyond help, I need to think of myself.
DM:Ok. You hear a sound which can only be described as the flushing of a giant celestial toilet as all your powers leave you.

Fulkerin
2010-07-28, 02:36 PM
Dark Heresy:
I'm a third rank guardsman.
"Yeah, uh, that shadow in the building? That's Kharn The Betrayer. And five Berserkers."


Interestingly enough, I survived that one.

... Curious now. How did you survive?

anyways, somewhat on topic:

"Make a willpower test" gets my players edgy every time i say it in dh :smalltongue:

Best i've ever had though:

"DO YOU FEAR ME PSYKER?"

After a black carapace armored, chainsword wielding null walked through holocaust. The look on the players face was... priceless.

Also: "I rolled a one. Give me a sec" is something my players never want to hear again :smallamused:

JeenLeen
2010-07-28, 02:45 PM
After a TPK in our WoD Mage: The Ascension game.

GM: "Now just make a party that is a little more combat-oriented, trusts vampires a little less, and can freakin' get along!"

The context being that my character's Strength of 1 and low combat abilities made him almost useless in a fight (Spirit 3 with few allies/Life 2/Prime 1 aren't combat Spheres), another character got blood-bound without realizing the implications, and because of various conflicts the party had come close to killing one another and especially the ghoul multiple times. The GM even had some creature come in and bond our life forces together so that we couldn't kill each other without killing ourselves. (He stated and I believe him that it was what that character would do, not just some DM fiat thing.)

Blazen
2010-07-28, 03:13 PM
In Dark Heresy me, and a psyker locked in a cell.

Me: Psyker can you heal me?
DM: Roll Perils of the Warp
Psyker rolls
DM: Gravity reverses itself for a split second. Everything and everyone in the cell is lifted up and slammed back down. You hear guards start running down. Blazen, please stop trying to turn the Psyker into a demon.

Me:... hey, Psyker if you cloak yourself, we may be able to trick the guards and escape.
PoW, nothing happens.
GM: 2 guards armed with melta guns wearing power armor enter. They start to search for the psyker. Psyker do you sustain the cloak?
PoW
GM: A lightning storm whips up. The guards freak and atempt to shoot you guys.
rolls
GM: Both meltaguns manage to jam, and explode. There is only a crater where your bodies were.
Me, Psyker, and Guardsman who was with us: We burn a fate point each.
GM:... 2 more guards run down and shoot you all dead. Especially you Blazen.

Retsej
2010-07-28, 03:31 PM
[In reference to a Ravenloft game, the encounter upon entering town. Just two players, a horde of zombies, and my trusty grease spell]

"Guys, this was supposed to be Dawn of the Dead, not Zombie Slip'n Slide!"

Not so much awesome as hilarious.

Ruinix
2010-07-28, 04:14 PM
I quote in spanish my own language and try to translate the best acurate i can:

-"no te preocupes, solo tardamos unos 15 minutos en hacer un PJ nuevo"
-"dont worry, we just take 15 min to make a new char" playing MERP with rolemaster system, and we never ever can do it in less than 1 session xdddd

-"a menos que sea pifia"
-"unless you rol crit. fail" spoked few seconds before a rol of suck situation wich ofcourse we end suked XDDD. was like a trance momentum and after that we fear those words.

-"debimos haber dejado uno vivo"
-"we should left 1 alive" XDDDDD so many countless time after killing everyone in sight we end clueless of what to do next XDDD

Vantharion
2010-07-28, 04:28 PM
Grey: eh might as let it stay on, get it analyzed somewhere
Vant: *rubs hands together* MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Grey: ... never a good sign
Vant: Anyways, I've been thinking of getting a job as a public speaker.
This happened about 5 minutes ago. I love aim DND.

Jarawara
2010-07-28, 04:36 PM
"This 20 by 30 foot room is filled with stale musty air, with just the hint of an old scent of rot. In the northwest corner, a body lies crumpled against the wall. A thin layer of harmless, yellow-colored mold covers the body and all equipment it carries. If the players dig through the layer of mold, they will find that the sword is clean and shiny and glows slightly in the darkness. The sword is a +1 Longsword. Do not tell the players this unless they brave the potential danger of cleaning off the mold. The players may think the mold is Yellow Mold, and walk away from the body unsearched, leaving the +1 Sword behind."

The DM then lowered the module, thinking about what he'd just read (and said aloud). We all sat there staring at him, and he composed himself and simply said:

"You see a body in the corner."

Destro_Yersul
2010-07-29, 01:30 AM
this is one from where I was a GM for Dark Heresy. Note that we're speaking OOC.

Me: "Ok, fine, you can do that, but only because Havelock (the PC) is awesome."
Player: "You know, technically that could be used as justification for anything..."
Me: "You may not have a Titan."

Cespenar
2010-07-29, 01:47 AM
"This 20 by 30 foot room is filled with stale musty air, with just the hint of an old scent of rot. In the northwest corner, a body lies crumpled against the wall. A thin layer of harmless, yellow-colored mold covers the body and all equipment it carries. If the players dig through the layer of mold, they will find that the sword is clean and shiny and glows slightly in the darkness. The sword is a +1 Longsword. Do not tell the players this unless they brave the potential danger of cleaning off the mold. The players may think the mold is Yellow Mold, and walk away from the body unsearched, leaving the +1 Sword behind."

The DM then lowered the module, thinking about what he'd just read (and said aloud). We all sat there staring at him, and he composed himself and simply said:

"You see a body in the corner."

That was one of the few that drew an actual chuckle from me.

Lycan 01
2010-07-29, 02:08 AM
Oooh, such excellent Dark Heresy quotes, guys. I especially love the story behind "DO YOU FEAR ME, PSYKER?!" the best. :smallbiggrin:


Lets see, do I have any? Ah, yes.


Adept: The Traitor's Hand Lies Closer Than You Think.
Me: :smalleek:
Psyker: What's wrong?
Me: Your head just exploded.


Psyker: 5 Thrones on the little guy. *points at Arbite who just started a bar fight with a stormtrooper.*


Battle Sister: I try to Charm our Inquisitor. *has failed every Charm test she's ever tried.*
Me: Um. Are you sure you want to try that the very first time you meet him?
Battle Sister: Yes.
Me: Go for it... :smallsigh:
Battle Sister: *rolls a 7, with three degrees of success*
Me: :smalleek:
Battle Sister: ^_^
One of the other players: Wow, apparently our Inquisitor has a fetish for nuns with chainswords...

Nihb
2010-07-29, 07:57 AM
After a short battle with a lawful black dragon, now with only a digit left of HP, that was offering "protection" to a small settlement :

DM: The dragon looks defeated and says : "But, what are you?!"
PCs : We're dwarves!

Volthawk
2010-07-29, 08:20 AM
O
Adept: The Traitor's Hand Lies Closer Than You Think.
Me: :smalleek:
Psyker: What's wrong?
Me: Your head just exploded.


Heh, I remember reading that story before.

Brainstomper
2010-07-29, 08:25 AM
2nd Ed D&D PC is tied to chair with a mind flayer in the room
"Keep rolling saves until you fail."

grolim
2010-07-29, 08:43 AM
It's getting late and this is a good place to stop for tonight, besides I am going to need to get more dice before we do the next encounter.

arrowhen
2010-07-29, 10:45 AM
In response to yet another of our overcomplicated harebrained schemes: "OK, fine, just roll... something."

(I don't get the "Abbot Skae" either.)

Defiant
2010-07-29, 10:54 AM
The wizard retreated into the shadows after hurting the sorceress with some electricity (pissed off because she was fireballing the entire party just to try to hit one enemy who had evasion).

Sorceress: OK, so I magic missile him.
Me (DM): But you don't actually know where he is.
Sorceress: Yeah, but magic missile always hits, right?
Me (DM): Yes, but you still need to have a target... you can't just cast magic missile at the darkness!!

*laughter ensued*

Fulkerin
2010-07-29, 11:01 AM
Dont get the abbot skae thing either...

On topic:
Bit of backstory first... So the groups arbitrator (Named Stern and unwilling leader) had a daemon bound into his sword (long story. But three ones in a row, from the arbitrator first, then the cleric, then the psyker...). Also, for the record, my acolytes are rather... unorthodox in their duties. They're inquisitor is too though, so they can usually get out of most things with either quick thinking or mass executions.

But anyways: They have a cultist leader prisoner, and are interrogating him. All regular methods have failed, and he has just been muttering some gibberish under his breath for the entire thing (They did gag him).

Guardsman an idea: "Hey, Stern, try allowing the daemon to hurt him. Bet he can do a lot more than us."
Me: *raises eyebrows*
Stern: "Fair enough. If this doesn't work we'll kill him."
*rolls some checks*
Me: As the cultists back arches in pain you can see his bones breaking under his skin. But the most disturbing thing is: He doesn't scream. Fear tests.
The prisoner looks at you Stern: "Ah Stern. It is good to be able to speak with you again."

Stern was flung through two ferrocrete walls by the end of that fight :smalltongue:.

The Glyphstone
2010-07-29, 11:07 AM
The wizard retreated into the shadows after hurting the sorceress with some electricity (pissed off because she was fireballing the entire party just to try to hit one enemy who had evasion).

Sorceress: OK, so I magic missile him.
Me (DM): But you don't actually know where he is.
Sorceress: Yeah, but magic missile always hits, right?
Me (DM): Yes, but you still need to have a target... you can't just cast magic missile at the darkness!!

*laughter ensued*

Was it unintentional, or a deliberate reference?

Fax Celestis
2010-07-29, 11:08 AM
In an Epic 4e Gestalt game, Gralamin Shieldheart is DMing and I'm playing Xochiquetzal:

<Xochitl> Okay, so I move into the center of the sinking bog, activating my sandals as a free action so I don't suffer move penalties.
<Xochitl> Then I activate Knight's Defiance, pulling all opponents within 5 squares (so all the living spells on the field) adjacent to me and into the bog. I'll activate my Warden mark to mark them all.
<Xochitl> All of them are Weakened due to Weakening Challenge, and because I've got Paladin's Truth, I ignore your living spell's resistances and immunities.
<Xochitl> They'll start sinking into the bog in a second, but first I make my secondary attack against this one. I also knock him prone due to my Epic Destiny's Beast Strike ability.
<Xochitl> I'll then activate my Treacherous Ice stance, making it impossible to shift into or out of squares adjacent to me.
<Xochitl> Lastly, I'll spend an action point to make a backup attack, which also deals 19 lightning damage to all adjacent enemies due to my PP's Draconic Outburst ability.
<DM> ...
<DM> I hate you so much.

Tiki Snakes
2010-07-29, 11:14 AM
Thumbs up Fax. Thumbs up.

grarrrg
2010-07-29, 11:22 AM
the Abbot Skae wh-...Abbot Skae...Oh good grief..."

I believe I have cracked the mysterious code.

the abbot skae, move the spaces a notch
the abbots kae, the letter K kinda sounds like G when said fast
the abbots gae, add an apostrophe
the abbot's gae, and... I think you can tell where this ends up...

Tiki Snakes
2010-07-29, 11:27 AM
I believe I have cracked the mysterious code.

the abbot skae, move the spaces a notch
the abbots kae, the letter K kinda sounds like G when said fast
the abbots gae, add an apostrophe
the abbot's gae, and... I think you can tell where this ends up...

That's it? :smallconfused:
Beavis and Butthead approve, I'm sure. But hardly giggle worthy.

arrowhen
2010-07-29, 12:14 PM
Huh. I missed a tenuous, accidental gay reference. I guess that's what I get for not being 14 anymore.

Quincunx
2010-07-29, 12:26 PM
I thought putting anything "Abbot" in a serious situation has been a bad idea for nearly a century.

"Good morning, Abbot. . ."
"How pleasant to see you, Abbot--"
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Abbot!" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-c9mlOrDhc4)
Abbot, under his breath: "I hate that guy."

Defiant
2010-07-29, 12:36 PM
Was it unintentional, or a deliberate reference?

I was leading up to it unintentionally, and then after a brief pause realizing what I was trying to say, I put it in those terms.

Teln
2010-07-29, 01:12 PM
Dont get the abbot skae thing either...

On topic:
Bit of backstory first... So the groups arbitrator (Named Stern and unwilling leader) had a daemon bound into his sword (long story. But three ones in a row, from the arbitrator first, then the cleric, then the psyker...). Also, for the record, my acolytes are rather... unorthodox in their duties. They're inquisitor is too though, so they can usually get out of most things with either quick thinking or mass executions.

But anyways: They have a cultist leader prisoner, and are interrogating him. All regular methods have failed, and he has just been muttering some gibberish under his breath for the entire thing (They did gag him).

Guardsman an idea: "Hey, Stern, try allowing the daemon to hurt him. Bet he can do a lot more than us."
Me: *raises eyebrows*
Stern: "Fair enough. If this doesn't work we'll kill him."
*rolls some checks*
Me: As the cultists back arches in pain you can see his bones breaking under his skin. But the most disturbing thing is: He doesn't scream. Fear tests.
The prisoner looks at you Stern: "Ah Stern. It is good to be able to speak with you again."

Stern was flung through two ferrocrete walls by the end of that fight :smalltongue:.

Wait, so you guys made a daemonhost? By accident?

I'm laughing so hard I think I'm going to break a rib.

Master_Rahl22
2010-07-29, 01:32 PM
Wow, apparently our Inquisitor has a fetish for nuns with chainswords...

Who doesn't? :smallbiggrin:

Petrankov
2010-07-29, 03:19 PM
"In order to increase the terror for the players characters in the scene, the creature silently follows them through the town, slipping away out of sight on successful Spot Hidden checks."

The Gamekeeper in Cthulhu actually read it to us, just like that. Obviously he did not mean to do it, that's what happens when you don't prep. It happened 8 years ago and we STILL bust him for it. :smallsmile:

My best personal quote is simply body language, the small smaile that widens into a giant s&%t eating grin is enough to get my players upset.

Some one already said, "Are you sure you want to do that?" but its always bad to hear that from the DM.

sciencepanda
2010-07-29, 04:13 PM
I thought putting anything "Abbot" in a serious situation has been a bad idea for nearly a century.

"Good morning, Abbot. . ."
"How pleasant to see you, Abbot--"
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Abbot!" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-c9mlOrDhc4)
Abbot, under his breath: "I hate that guy."

See, I was thinking more: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sShMA85pv8M

Hunter Noventa
2010-07-29, 05:17 PM
We play with a virant rule where you can sacrifice your attacks of opportunity to parry melee attacks. Which led to the following...

"Okay, so you parry the Warforged Titan's hammer with your axe..."

Platinum_Mongoose
2010-07-30, 06:52 PM
After a fight in a forest:

DM: "You defeat the goblins, and there's a monastery."
Players:...:smallconfused:

Okay, so in all fairness, we were in junior high and he had never DM'ed before. Still I love the visual of a monastery suddenly appearing the second the final goblin's corpse hits the ground.

Zieu
2010-07-30, 10:50 PM
DM: "Ok, the 70-year old man becomes very angry that you are repeatedly ignoring him and trying to steal his cow. He charges the fighter. Well....he hobbles at a modest rate. Towards you. Angrily. He swings.... [20 on the die] Oooh. [Confirms with another 20]. Oh boy, he's still got it. Damage...[Rolls a 1, x2 = 2 - strength penalty].....Okay, so he's starting to feel the years."
Fighter: "So.....he did 1 damage?"
DM: "Yup."
Fighter: "Oh. I have DR 1/-..."
DM: "Ah. And actually, after the attack he clutches his chest and falls to the ground. Good encounter, right?"

Fulkerin
2010-07-30, 11:09 PM
Wait, so you guys made a daemonhost? By accident?

I'm laughing so hard I think I'm going to break a rib.

Basically, yes. My players have never since touched anything even remotely resembling a demonic artifact. Except for the (now deceased) assassin.:smalltongue:

Machiavellian
2010-07-30, 11:20 PM
My old Cthulhu game:

We were 25th level, and we were about to face Cthulhu (Had NO clue of his awesome power)

It's 2035, and Cthulhu rose again, yatta yatta yatta....

I was a former MiB from 1945, our party was a rag-tag of a thief with a derringer, a hooker with an AK-47, a former Spetznaz with a minigun, and a doctor with an RPG-7 (Do Not Ask why the mD had a rocket launcher...)

DM: "Okay, thanks to the Goggles of True Sight, you can gaze upon Cthulhu. Now, you all are nearly a mile away.."
Doctor: "I think I can kill him with my Rocket Launcher..."
Everyone Else in the Party: "NO!!!!"
DM: "Run that by me again?"
Doctor: "I fire my rocket at him."
DM: "Okay.... As your missle hits Cthulhu in the back of the head, he turns, as one of his investigators rips all of your goggles off. Guess what..."
Doctor: "Cthulhu gives us all cookies?"
DM (Being Sarcastic): "Yes, he hands you all a platter of triple fudge chocolate chip cookies...."
Doctor: "YAY!"
DM: "Then he drives you all insane and swallows all of your souls. Congrats, you all get to make new characters"

He was kicked out of our group immediately following that incident.

Lioness
2010-07-31, 04:49 AM
Not sure about the best DM quote, but one of the most fear inspiring...

"Uh, [character]...how many HP do you have left?"

CakeTown
2010-07-31, 07:01 AM
These are all from my regular 4e DM.

After our fighter had finished praying to his god:"Why would you end your prayer to the god of battle with 'Peace'?"

After sending a couple low level mercenaries from our guild to fight the owlbears that had almost killed us: "Those mercenaries you sent slaughtered the owlbears without even getting hurt. Maybe you guys should just retire."

During a tough fight with a bulette(we had wasted our daily powers on the Gelatinous Cubes because the bulette was burrowed), when we had finally bloodied it. DM:"The bulette is going to use Second Wind."
Party:"Wait, isn't Second Wind a PC ability?"
DM:"Monsters can have it too. Have fun!:smallbiggrin:"

Snake-Aes
2010-07-31, 07:03 AM
Not sure about the best DM quote, but one of the most fear inspiring...

"Uh, [character]...how many HP do you have left?"

Not a quote per se, but once, when the dm was particularly cruel and we bit more than we could chew, the npcs' attacks were followed by the dm drawing his dice bag, picking a handful of dice and humping the air as each 6 was rolled on the d6s.

Otodetu
2010-07-31, 08:09 AM
DM: "Ok, the 70-year old man becomes very angry that you are repeatedly ignoring him and trying to steal his cow. He charges the fighter. Well....he hobbles at a modest rate. Towards you. Angrily. He swings.... [20 on the die] Oooh. [Confirms with another 20]. Oh boy, he's still got it. Damage...[Rolls a 1, x2 = 2 - strength penalty].....Okay, so he's starting to feel the years."
Fighter: "So.....he did 1 damage?"
DM: "Yup."
Fighter: "Oh. I have DR 1/-..."
DM: "Ah. And actually, after the attack he clutches his chest and falls to the ground. Good encounter, right?"

That would be a total of 2 damage.
(1d3-2=1)x2 =2
or (1d3-2)+(1d3-2) =2

You calculate the attack first and then apply the critical.

Theo Hammond
2010-07-31, 11:41 AM
That's it? :smallconfused:
Beavis and Butthead approve, I'm sure. But hardly giggle worthy.

I never said it was funny, rather just note-worthy for the fact that all six of us around the table heard it "The Abbot's Gay" the very first time it was said aloud, on the grounds that is exactly what "The Abbot Skae" sounds like when spoken.

If you didn't get it, s'cool, no shame in that. Likewise if you didn't find it funny. It was however a total immersion breaker and from a game that is supposed to be the epitomy of Grimdark i thought that giving an npc that title and name was quite an interesting mistake to make, especially given the sheer frequency his name comes up (repeatedly over a number of sessions). Thus i posted it here (this thread being for best quotes, not funniest quotes).

I dearly hope that this explaination pleases the Thread Police.

Murphy80
2010-07-31, 01:49 PM
DM: "Ok, the 70-year old man becomes very angry that you are repeatedly ignoring him and trying to steal his cow. He charges the fighter. Well....he hobbles at a modest rate. Towards you. Angrily. He swings.... [20 on the die] Oooh. [Confirms with another 20]. Oh boy, he's still got it. Damage...[Rolls a 1, x2 = 2 - strength penalty].....Okay, so he's starting to feel the years."
Fighter: "So.....he did 1 damage?"
DM: "Yup."
Fighter: "Oh. I have DR 1/-..."
DM: "Ah. And actually, after the attack he clutches his chest and falls to the ground. Good encounter, right?"

(1d3-2=1)x2 =2
or (1d3-2)+(1d3-2) =2



A positive modifier is called a bonus, and a negative modifier is called a penalty.

A critical hit means that you roll your damage more than once, with all your usual bonuses, and add the rolls together.

I guess we are assuming an unarmed attack or maybe a 1d3 cane.
So it should be 2d3-2 damage

Zieu
2010-07-31, 05:07 PM
That would be a total of 2 damage.
(1d3-2=1)x2 =2
or (1d3-2)+(1d3-2) =2

You calculate the attack first and then apply the critical.

What I gathered is that the old guy's strength brough it into the negatives, and multiplying a negative by a postive = negative....so 1 damage minimum. I dunno. He wasn't really trying to do damage, the point was that he was having fun with the NPC.

Tiki Snakes
2010-07-31, 05:15 PM
I never said it was funny, rather just note-worthy for the fact that all six of us around the table heard it "The Abbot's Gay" the very first time it was said aloud, on the grounds that is exactly what "The Abbot Skae" sounds like when spoken.

If you didn't get it, s'cool, no shame in that. Likewise if you didn't find it funny. It was however a total immersion breaker and from a game that is supposed to be the epitomy of Grimdark i thought that giving an npc that title and name was quite an interesting mistake to make, especially given the sheer frequency his name comes up (repeatedly over a number of sessions). Thus i posted it here (this thread being for best quotes, not funniest quotes).

I dearly hope that this explaination pleases the Thread Police.

It doesn't sound that much like a statement of the Abbot's sexual identity, really. Perhaps it's an accent thing.
The way it was bigged up in the original post though, I was expecting something a lot... more? No matter. :smallsmile:

GreenZ
2010-07-31, 06:28 PM
I have one from one of the few games I've played. It requires quite a bit of explanation so...


Great DM, never runs out of twists and turns, is also consistently funny Our party of three; a Cleric (Me), Ranger (Brother), and a Monk (DM's friend); have traveled through a puzzle type dungeon and found two crystal balls, we learn that we can open a door with them by either placing them on the slots in the door or breaking them and summoning a bunch of baddies (something we really wanted to avoid.)

Carrying the crystals in a backpack or the like would break them, and holding them required a Balance check in order to keep from dropping them while running and stuff. With the best Balance the Monk was given both of the crystal balls while we traveled back through the dungeon.


Everything is good, minor baddies are dispatched with Cleric/Ranger combo while the Monk is defended. We are almost there when all of a sudden:

DM: "The floor begins to rumble as you reach the next room, the only one separating you from placing the crystals into the door. In an instant the north wall breaks open and a small giant bursts through the cavern wall shouting 'Ohhhhhh Yeah! Lunch Time!'"

Cleric/Ranger prepare to keep the small giant at bay while the Monk runs to the next room and places the crystals into the door.

Ranger: "Go <Monk>! Get out of here while we hold him."

Battle ensues as the Monk begins to run away, the Monk's player is irritated at being unable to help.

DM: "The Giant bull-rushes <Ranger> and knocks him over, placing him right over the Monk who was behind him."

Monk: "Hell with this! I use Flurry of Blows on the giant's nuts."

Blanks stares from everyone as the Monk rolls.

DM: "Since you had the crystals in your hands while you attacked..."

DM: "You break all four balls with one attack. The giant falls dead."


:amused:

turbo164
2010-08-02, 09:11 AM
One of my earliest sessions ever, myself and two friends joined a group who had been campaigning for months; they were probably level 10 or so, we were level 2 "guest star party members" :)

One of them was playing Kronk, a Str 20+ Orc who spoke like Hulk and drank booze by the keg.

One of them was an evil elf wizard, who robbed me, sold one of the other level 2 PC's to the Thief's Guild for a few coins, etc. aka jerkwad.

While on the road, we hear a rustling in the bushes. Jerkwad whispers to Kronk "Psst, Kronk; throw something at those bushes."

Me (instantly): "I step away from Kronk!"
*beat*
Everyone at the table: "I step away from Kronk!"
Jerkwad: "-ep away from Iiii'm the last person to step away from Kronk aren't I?"
Kronk: "KRONK THROW SOMETHING!"
Jerkwad: "I meant a ROOOOCCKKkkkkkkkk"

Now comes the DM quote(s)

DM: "What's your AC?"
Jerkwad: *says a low number*
DM: "Heh. And fort save?"
Jerkwad: *says a lower number, with voice cracking*
DM: "Really? Ouch." *rolls a bunch of dice*
DM: "You are struck by 5 poisoned crossbow bolts in midair. You are poisoned, paralyzed, and unconscious at -1 hp. And THEN you hit the ground. *rolls more dice* wow look at those 1's. You're at -8."

Bard saved him sadly :P