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Swash Macorum
2010-07-28, 12:09 AM
Hey, all! I'm sure this has made its appearance on the threads before, but why not bring it back? Post your funniest, most serious, or generally favorite quote as a PC.

For me? One of them was:

[Jokingly] "If I roll a nat 1, I hit Jax in the head!" [I rolled a nat 1]

CyMage
2010-07-28, 12:33 AM
My 2nd edition mage talking to someone in town. "Yes, I do a bit of magic. I can start a camp fire."

Now this was a 16-17th level mage and a bit of a pyromaniac (Blasting was actually a good tactic in previous editions) who could start a sizeable bandit camp on fire. <_<

Also my current character. Marshal3/Barb 1 at the time. Trying to knock out a prone opponent, I charge trying to deal subdual damage. Roll and confirm a crit with a Valorous weapon. DM ruled that I broke his neck. "I think I need to work on my subduing technique. Good thing there is at least 3 more enemies in those ruins."

Ravens_cry
2010-07-28, 01:13 AM
"What's your safety word?"
Said the paladin to the rogue.

banthesun
2010-07-28, 01:37 AM
"Are there rules for weilding babies?"

Serpentine
2010-07-28, 01:43 AM
"I find a filing cabinet."
Quickly followed by something along the lines of "Oh do you now? And in a medieval fantasy setting and all?" from the DM.

Demons_eye
2010-07-28, 01:54 AM
"Dancing lights, flare, zombie.... I got it lets do thriller!"

Xefas
2010-07-28, 02:39 AM
For me? One of them was:

[Jokingly] "If I roll a nat 1, I hit Jax in the head!" [I rolled a nat 1]

Strange, that's happened to my group on two other separate occasions.

Ranger: "Alright, this is a sure thing! Can't miss but on a natural 1. Hell, if I roll a 1, I'll shoot our rogue in the knee, eh?"
(Proceeds to roll a 1 and temporarily cripple our rogue)

Paladin: "Spiked Chains can hit both 5 and 10 feet away, right? The wizards between me and the kobold...heh, if I roll a 1 does that mean I accidentally strangle him?"
(Proceeds to roll a 1 and garner the unending distrust of our wizard)

Ingus
2010-07-28, 03:15 AM
1.
During a long run campaign, our party had a moment to relax near a pond. Our wizard: "Oh, what a wanderful place to make Froggy play?"
Us: "Who's Froggy?"
Wiz: "My familiar." Then, to the stupor of everyone else, he let down his frog and started to play with it in the pond. All other party members were jaw-pending, but my bard, having known the wiz by long time, told them: "Wizards are famous for their outstanding intelligence. He's not famous".

2.
A barbarian/frenzied berserker immobilized a troll and made it fall inconscious. Then he started to eat it. He regenerated. He ate a piece again. Regeneration.
"Free food! Ya-hooooo!"

kieza
2010-07-28, 03:54 AM
"Wait. We're fighting a petroleum-drinking kobold gadget-priest in a sewer that used to be the dwelling place of an Elder Evil, and he has a mechanized idol that runs on sewage. I don't think we should rule anything out because it's improbable."

Said by a druid during a particularly bizarre one-shot of my own devisement. It was shortly after another memorable quote which I can't post here. It's...earthy.



Me: "Well, I suppose you could put sharp objects on the quickest path to the village, and it might slow the orcs. What did you have in mind?"
Dumbest Player Ever: "Well, I drank two potions and used a flask of alchemist's fire in the last fight. How about I break the vials and use sharp glass?"
Me: "Um...That's not a lot of glass. It's not going to do much."
DPE: "So it'll take out the first few waves?"



During an attempt to rescue a hostage:
Me: "Despite your clever disguises, the guard appears to be dubious about your supposed 'Jumping-Out-The-Window' contest. He's moving over to the window to take a look outside.
Much Put Upon Player: "Jake, can you keep him from seeing the prisoner?"
Dumbest Player Ever: "Sure. I use my Thunder Rod (Which makes loud noises. That's it.), laugh loudly and strike an imposing pose." <Everyone stares at him> "What?"
MPUP: "...You're a drow. You have Darkness. You use it on us every chance you get."
DPE: "What do you mean?"
MPUP: "...It's dark, and the only light is the torch you have. You could have used that so that he couldn't see you or the prisoner, who is standing five feet away."
DPE: "This is better. I'm striking a heroic pose so that he focuses on me and not the prisoner."


Shortly after the botched rescue mission:
Dumbest Player Ever: "Okay, I use sign language to tell my landlord that if he finds three strong men to rip the Duct Tape of Sealing off of my face, I'll pay him handsomely."

Ashram
2010-07-28, 04:05 AM
Wizard: We have to wait until nightfall to deal with the skeletons. After all, nighttime is the time of the damned. *Wizard then stares at the party's rogue, a tiefling, of which only he knows*

Tiefling rogue, A.K.A. Me: *After taking a drink of ale* ...You're just jealous.

Naia
2010-07-28, 04:16 AM
At one time my players had hitched a ride with some pegasi. One of the players apparently had a fear of heights (or me as a DM?).

Player: How high up are we?
GM: Compared to what? Sea level? The mountains?
Player: To the ground or whatever the H... I'm gonna kill myself on when I fall down...

Serpentine
2010-07-28, 04:36 AM
1.
During a long run campaign, our party had a moment to relax near a pond. Our wizard: "Oh, what a wanderful place to make Froggy play?"
Us: "Who's Froggy?"
Wiz: "My familiar." Then, to the stupor of everyone else, he let down his frog and started to play with it in the pond. All other party members were jaw-pending, but my bard, having known the wiz by long time, told them: "Wizards are famous for their outstanding intelligence. He's not famous".Pfft. We've got an elderly witch who keeps two toads in his pants. And he's meant to have incredible Charisma...

RE:Insanity
2010-07-28, 04:42 AM
Had a player who was killed by a velociraptor. We can all guess what he said.
Clever girl.

His next character was crushed by an animated fire spit.
Clever grill.

His NEXT character was killed by a mentally unstable kobold/gnome halfbreed riding an animated statue of a planetar on the round it came out of a hole in the ground.
Clever gi-Wait. What the hell did you say killed me?

Greenish
2010-07-28, 06:05 AM
"I find a filing cabinet."
Quickly followed by something along the lines of "Oh do you now? And in a medieval fantasy setting and all?" from the DM.Well, where else would have medieval fantasy people kept their files? Okay, 17th century is not quite medieval, but it's not like they're hugely complex devices.

Ravens_cry
2010-07-28, 06:10 AM
Well, where else would have medieval fantasy people kept their files? Okay, 17th century is not quite medieval, but it's not like they're hugely complex devices.
In a joinery, of course.:smallamused:

hamishspence
2010-07-28, 06:21 AM
A lot of D&D stuff is closer to Renaissance than medieval- especially if you use Renaissance Weapons from DMG.

Even without it, Full Plate and Rapiers are both pretty late-period.

Kuma Kode
2010-07-28, 06:21 AM
A few from my Shadow Theory game...

The group is in the mall trying to pull down the cage in the storefront while being attacked by four zombies, who are busting through the front glass. Kazumi, the doctor with absolutely no combat capabilities whatsoever and who has mostly sat back during battles and has actually yet to make an attack roll the entire campaign says "screw this" and grabs a Winchester rifle, takes aim at the biggest, toughest zombie, and fires. She suffers a -4 penalty on her attack roll because she is not proficient with firearms, an additional -4 penalty because the zombie is in melee with Fox, and the monster gains a +4 cover bonus to Defense from Fox. Somehow, she succeeds, and scores a solid 9 damage hit on the zombie in the Tapout shirt.
Terrence and Fox, simultaneously: "AAAAAAAAHHH! Do NOT shoot at us like that!"
Kazumi: *Jaw drops* "I... I just can't win with you people, can I?"

After pushing a monster into the light and watching it smolder, Marna continues to beat it with a wrench.
Marna (OOC): "How's it lookin' by now?"
DM: "Marna has crushed its corpse until it's snortable."
Terrence (OOC): "Man, good thing Ozzy isn't here." Does an Ozzy Osbourn impression. "It's like I snorted pure evil, man. It goes straight into your brain, It's like, it's like I'm the motherf**** Prince of Darkness."

Fox: “Do you think your life insurance ends when you become a zombie?”
Terrence: “I think your premium goes up a lot.”

Group is crossing the Miskatonic river on a boat when the radio begins to go off, signaling the presence of a monster.
Fox: "Uh, Marna, can't this thing go any faster?!"
Marna (Who is scottish and speaks with such an accent): "I'm givin' her all I've got, Captain!"
Silence falls over the group as they process that that really did just happen. They bust out laughing.
Christina, totally serious: " .... People have died."

After they realize that the charismatic zombies retain ranks in Perform (Sing) and in fact have a feat that grants an additional +2 to it, making them rather good.
♬ It's my party and I'll die if I want to,
Die if I want to,
Diiie if I waaaant tooooo,
You will die too when I come afterrrr yoooooouuuu... ♬

The DM complains that the wireless is acting up and he needs it to look up the stats for the zombies with foot-long claws, named Edwards because they look like horrific version of Edward Scissorhands.
Terrence (OOC): Wait, you have all your information online? So I could do a google search and find out all your monster stats?
DM: Uh... Yup... Good luck googling Edward, though.
Kazumi (OOC): Twilight fanfics. The perfect defense.

Espher
2010-07-28, 08:25 AM
GM: "After repelling the first wave of boarders, the privateers take to the offensive, rushing over the boarding planks laid down by the attacking pirates. Though they attack with fervor, the pirates appear better trained and armed. It looks like you've got about six or seven rounds before the privateers are overwhelmed and the pirates attempted to board you again. What do you do?"
Me: "I set down my pack and take out the handles I had taken from the doors of the rooms at the inn."
GM: "... okay?"
Me: "I take out the vial of sovereign glue and quickly attach the handles to the underside of each plank."
GM: "... what are you doing?"
Me: "I ready an action to activate my Chime of Opening when they're on the boarding planks."
GM: "... espher, attaching a handle to a plank does not turn it into a door."
Me: "But it's a doorway to the water below!"

Fouredged Sword
2010-07-28, 08:41 AM
In a game of D20 future one of my players had a init of something around 20+ or so due to cybernetics.

Combat starts and the first round the player draws and crits to kill the foe who was jumping out at him before anyone else could act.

Player who made the shot: "what was that!"

It was a running joke that he could draw and shoot before he actualy saw what he was shooting at.

Xallace
2010-07-28, 08:57 AM
The Many Sayings of Sigfried Redding, Gun-Mage and Brigand
by my buddy Kal.

Daniel (Player): "I cast Detect Evil on the him!"
Sigfried (Player): "I use Prestidigitation to write EVIL in big, red letters on his chest."

Sigfried (Char): "So, Barkeep, tell me about what lives in them mountains."
DM (Barkeep): "¿Qué?"
Sigfried (Char): "Oh, um... No... No hablas Espanol. Mesa verde por favor?"

DM (Narrator): "As the wailing grows louder, the horrible swirling mass coalesces into a translucent pillar of screaming faces. The purple-black mass is about 12 feet tall and exudes pain and malice. I believe... Sigfried goes first."
Sigfried (Player): "Alright, well. I take a move action to wet myself. Then I use my other one to run down the stairs."

Sigfried (Player): Alright, I'm bored with the library. I'm going to open the door to see if Clive is in any trouble."
DM (Narrator): "Sigfried opens the door, and is instantly met with a dozen of hellish faces. Behind them, Clive floats helplessly in the mass of dark goo. The faces all look at you and scream."
Sigfried (Player): "I calmly close the door, turn around, and light a cigarette."
Sigfried (Char): "Yep, he's in trouble."

DM (Narrator): "The drow priestess appears unclad before you, her hands pulsing with dark energy. She slams a fist into Merrick! Will save, please."
Merrick (Player): "18."
DM (Narrator): "Nice. You shake off the curse. It's Sigfried's turn."
Sigfried (Player): "You said she was unclad."
DM (Narrator): "Yep. From what you know of drow, it means you caught her in the midst of a ritual."
Sigfried (Player): "Right, right, of course. Well, I'm still shooting at the bodyguard over here, but I'm definitely ogling the priestess behind me."
DM (Narrator): "-4 on attack rolls sound reasonable?"
Sigfried (Player): "Woooorth iiiiit."

There was a point in the campaign where Daniel, our warforged ninja, took a serious shock to his circuits and believed he was a dwarven paladin.
Sigfried (Player): "Alright, well, guys. Since last session I wrote a song! It's called 'I Really Hate New Daniel' and I'd like to perform it for you..."

Clive (Player): "You're an hour late, dude. Shame."
Sigfried (Player): "You know what? No. I had the choice between getting the phone numbers of two incredibly hot women and coming here to play with you guys, and I decided that my obligation to my friends and [Xallace]'s game were the more important of the two. So, no, you don't get to complain, especially if its about me being a responsible player and friend!"
Daniel (Player): Slow Clap.

RE:Insanity
2010-07-28, 09:06 AM
Oh god, I killed some poor, wounded, unamed goblin! And now I'm taking his stuff! I'M THE GREATEST HERO THAT EVER LIVED!

Cyrion
2010-07-28, 09:28 AM
"What?!? Nobody TOLD me it breathes fire!"

Lord_Gareth
2010-07-28, 09:43 AM
"I never put down the tray of donuts."

Grogmir
2010-07-28, 09:51 AM
Sorry for the long post

I was playing a Dwarven DragonShaman – Grogmir - Lawful Good – usual party – another was playing a ‘doppelganger’ type – basically could shapeshift. Don't remember the exact race. He’s got a pack of cards that he plays with (deck of many things) (Cheese I know but not my campaign)

Anyroad – we are under orders from the local Nature spirit to clear out some evil bears from a cave up a mountain.

We climb up to the entrance – all fail our spot checks and get bull rushed by the biggest dire bear you’ve ever seen, the 1st PC– our meat shield gets pushed off easily. Next in line is the doppelganger – there’s nothing he can do – so he throws a card…

DM rolls in plain sight - Bam – Great big freakin Demon appears – kills the bear instantly but its way out of our CR. That TPK look starts going round the group.

‘Lets get the hell out of here’ is the general consensus. We blast open the portal that the Nature Spirit gave us to travel back to her, when the DM starts cackling/laughing (never a good sign) He reads the Demon’s powers – constricts portals. Give us a break!

So the portal is now only the size of a tiny person. Who’s the only PC that could get through now? Yep the Doppel that summoned the demon in the first place!

The rest are cursing his name and watching that little movie that plays when your life is flashing before your guys – we can’t even touch this thing – so on my turn

Me ‘I jump across a large ravine – turn and eh… mock the demon’
DM ‘Mock it?’
Me ‘ Yeah you know – mother is a beardless whore - From a pit of flames? More like a flaming PIT! – that kinda stuff’ ‘ I want it to attack me’
DM ‘Ok it’s angry – its coming for you.’
Me ‘it has to make a jump check right?
DM ‘yep’
The whole Group finally seeing what I’m trying starts ‘Please roll a 1, please roll a 1’

Dm rolls… Bounce; Bounce; one!!! It’s only a (insert word) one! The demon falls long enough for the portal to un-constrict and we all jump through.

We appear 2 miles away – with the Doppel looking sheepish but we’ve got bigger fish to fry. We hear a mighty roar in the distance – the earth shakes and we see the tree’s near the cave start toppling as the Demon tracks us down for the kill.

At this point the group is discussing ways to get as far away as possible – most likely in different directions just to give us some more time. We are running out of time – out of options when I announce

Me ‘I walked towards it’
Another PC ‘YOU’RE GOING TO FIGHT IT?’
Me ‘Yep and I’ll probably die’

I would love to tell you I fell fighting that Demon – but alas the DM had ruled the fall had injured it – had toned it down to a very hard level encounter (We didn’t know this at the time) and with a little luck and a lot of healing we managed to take it down.

But for a while there I had never felt so badass, to quote every ones favourite villain.

KillianHawkeye
2010-07-28, 10:02 AM
Me ‘I jump across a large ravine – turn and eh… mock the demon’
DM ‘Mock it?’
Me ‘ Yeah you know – mother is a beardless whore - From a pit of flames? More like a flaming PIT! – that kinda stuff’ ‘ I want it to attack me’
DM ‘Ok it’s angry – its coming for you.’
Me ‘it has to make a jump check right?
DM ‘yep’
The whole Group finally seeing what I’m trying starts ‘Please roll a 1, please roll a 1’

Dm rolls… Bounce; Bounce; one!!! It’s only a (insert word) one! The demon falls long enough for the portal to un-constrict and we all jump through.

Yet another reason why critical successes and critical failures on Skill Checks is a dumb house rule. :smallsigh::smallsigh:

Caphi
2010-07-28, 10:09 AM
"Okay, but..." is a staple in the DM version of these threads.

More times than is probably healthy, my response is "That's okay."

WarKitty
2010-07-28, 10:11 AM
Edit: too many threads open in too many tabs. Silly me replied to the wrong one.

Grogmir
2010-07-28, 10:14 AM
Yet another reason why critical successes and critical failures on Skill Checks is a dumb house rule. :smallsigh::smallsigh:

Dude I was playing in a campaign where the DM put in the DoMT. Critical Failures were the least of our problems! :smallbiggrin:

But you're right and they don't feature if I DM.

Serpentine
2010-07-28, 10:33 AM
Yet another reason why critical successes and critical failures on Skill Checks is a dumb house rule. :smallsigh::smallsigh:...because they result in cool stories? :confused:

Grogmir: That story looks awful familiar :smallamused:

Grogmir
2010-07-28, 10:47 AM
Grogmir: That story looks awful familiar :smallamused:

Guilty serpentine :smallredface: I cut and pasted from an earlier thread.

But - But - its my only uber moment! :smile:

ScionoftheVoid
2010-07-28, 10:54 AM
Having just witnessed the party's Rogue murder a man on an ox-pulled cart with an arrow through the back, because her shoes got muddy when she was forced off of the road. The Barbarian looted the corpse, tossed it in the ditch by the track and turned the cart to go into the town we were headed to. Which the cart had come from, plus the original driver, minus the party and bloodstains. The Good Cleric and Ranger are wondering why they still travel with four Evil, scheming wierdos.

My Sorcerer: "Heigh ho, here we go again."


Later in the same game (one shot, the backstory said the party had worked together for a long time, to explain the fact that we hadn't killed one another by now):
In court the party is being asked for what they saw. The Evil guys are saying the Barbarian did everything, the Good guys are trying to get the Rogue for Murder (punishment: hanging from the neck until death) and the Barbarian down from Murder and Graverobbing (we were convincing the court more :smallbiggrin:) to just Graverobbing (punishment: hanging from the neck until death. The Evil ones were valuing life more, sort of, the Good guys wanted the sentence lowered but it wasn't going to happen).

Before giving my word that the Barbarian did it all:
Me: "As a Sorcerer, I must warn you that I can still cast whilst cuffed. You should probably bind and gag me."
DM (Judge): "Are you saying that you might assault the members of the court?!"
Me: "No, but you took the weapons the others had, I thought you should take mine too. It wouldn't be fair otherwise."
DM (Judge), to the LG Cleric, who has been very uppity, arguing against what the rest of the party "saw" and trying to alter the sentence for Graverobbing: "Now you see, that's a good honest person. You should try to be more like him!"

Paraphrased (apart from the first quote) because it was a while ago.

More background to the story, we've played this adventure before without success, partially because the party Barbarian (same player as the Barbarian in the more recent tale) went around asking for a horse. For free. Someone directed him to the (corrupt) sherrif's office while it was dark. He was arrested for attempting to steal a horse and all his equipment was taken. It wasn't given back when the sherrif released him to us. The man swore the Barb' came in that way. Since he had been arrested twice in the same adventure (though in different games) we (Evil three-quarters of the party) thought it would be best to ditch the most stupid member of the party with a role already covered thrice over (Fighter, Ranger and Cleric). Rather than sacrificing our only Trapfinder and general skillmonkey who was significantly better at getting out of trouble, even if she was about as likely to get in it. Plus we got rid of the one who was probably doomed from the start in OOC logic (his first actions after getting into combat with no equipment the first time we went through this? Rage, crittically miss, breaks his knuckles from punching a wall (we have a fumble table, which will not see use in my games). It also seemed unfair on the Rogue 'cause she was new to the game. End result was favourable for all but the Barbarian's player, who isn't particularly pleasant IRL.:smalltongue:

The moral of this tale is of course: Don't make a halfling get mud on her shoes. Or else.

AtwasAwamps
2010-07-28, 11:05 AM
(DnD 3.5)

<Party peers into a pit of darkness where we know our enemy has fled to and our ally stands fighting them. The sound of combat is easily heard>

Paladin (me): It's dark in there... <knowing look at the monk>
Monk (grinning): Then let's bring them the light!
Swashbuckler: LEE, STOP ENCOURAGING THE PALADIN.

Cleric: "Haven't you had enough heroics for one day?"
Paladin (Having woken up gotten his stomach pumped of liquid about 10 seconds ago after saving a large amount of the party from a drowning-based death trap): "Nope. Paladin." <takes off running in direction of screaming party members>

(DnD 4e)
Sorcerer: "Okay, can we take the boat and use the gnome's inherent building know-how to craft a makeshift tank that will protect us from arrow and dart traps?"
DM (me): "What."
Sorcerer: "Sooo...yes?"
DM: "...sure. Sure you can."
Sorcerer: "Also can we make a periscope so I can fire out of it like an awesome turret?"
DM: "Ummm..."
Paladin: "NO. No we cannot do that unless we strap your crazy drow arse to the top of it so you take the arrows first. Goddammit, <Sorcerer>, I am going to stab you right in the goddamn face!"

Dragonborn Paladin of Bahamut: "Okay, so the dragon above is breathing down lightning, I'm carrying the two gnomes in the party, and there's a few types of rolls I can make to dodge the lightning, but if I fail, we all get zapped?"
DM (me): "That's about the long and short of it."
Paladin: "Okay. I throw the bard gnome to the swordmage..."
Bard: "What."
(rolls on a few sides, successes, Bard is tossed and caught)
Paladin: "Okay, I look at the warlock, who I have seen teleporting around wildly. <IC(in character)> You got this, right?"
Warlock: <IC> Umm...Yes?
Paladin: "I activate Vigor and charge straight through the blast of lightning directly in front of us."
Warlock: "OH JESUS CHRIST. I teleport forward!!!"
DM: ...Yeah, that works.
Paladin: "I emerge from the other side of the lightning breath, smoking. As the Warlock appears out of thin air in front of me, I grab him and tuck him into my arm like a football without breaking stride."
<Dead silence at the table>
Paladin: "Boo-yah."

Satyr
2010-07-28, 03:05 PM
The characters in this scene were on edge. They were basically trapped on a deserved island with pretty much nothing but one mansion on it, they had some eerie visions of death and carnage, and generally the outlook for the immediate future looked pretty bleak. The suspense was intense.

So, sneaking through the mansion they find a room filled with a) exclusive old books and b) exclusive cigars and c) great hunt trophies (including thew obligatory lion's had on the wall).

Now, everyone was on edge, and than one of the characters made the immortal joke - while taking one of the cigars and lighting it:*

A player comes to ask his gamemaster: "Gamemaster, may I smoke while reading the Player's Handbook?" And the gamemaster shook his head and meant "No, I 'm sorry. Reading the Player's Handbook is a sanctified act of dedication to the game, and should be done with full dedication. Smoking while you do it, is just not appropriate." The player nods and accepts the verdict.
Afterwards he meets a fellow player and told him about it. "Well," the other one answers, "you asked the wrong question. The question is not if you may smoke while reading the player's handbook; it's if you may read the book while you are smoking."

*: Unfortunately I can't quote the best line of a PC made in a game because it includes a religious topic and overtones, and thus would conflict with this forum's rules, so I replaced the religious terms and context with roleplaying stuff.

Bharg
2010-07-28, 03:22 PM
The characters in this scene were on edge. They were basically trapped on a deserved island with pretty much nothing but one mansion on it, they had some eerie visions of death and carnage, and generally the outlook for the immediate future looked pretty bleak. The suspense was intense.

So, sneaking through the mansion they find a room filled with a) exclusive old books and b) exclusive cigars and c) great hunt trophies (including thew obligatory lion's had on the wall).

Now, everyone was on edge, and than one of the characters made the immortal joke - while taking one of the cigars and lighting it:*

A player comes to ask his gamemaster: "Gamemaster, may I smoke while reading the Player's Handbook?" And the gamemaster shook his head and meant "No, I 'm sorry. Reading the Player's Handbook is a sanctified act of dedication to the game, and should be done with full dedication. Smoking while you do it, is just not appropriate." The player nods and accepts the verdict.
Afterwards he meets a fellow player and told him about it. "Well," the other one answers, "you asked the wrong question. The question is not if you may smoke while reading the player's handbook; it's if you may read the book while you are smoking."

*: Unfortunately I can't quote the best line of a PC made in a game because it includes a religious topic and overtones, and thus would conflict with this forum's rules, so I replaced the religious terms and context with roleplaying stuff.

I don't get it! >.>

grimbold
2010-07-28, 03:24 PM
DM so your dying of starvation in the woods and are miles from civilization.
Me (sadistic chaotic evil belkarlike barbarian) we're still right by the kobolds we killed earlier right?
Dm um yes
Me well i got to the kobolds and with the rogues knife i cut them open and use their intestines and the various bits of meat i can find to make KOBOLD SAUSAGES
DM crap there are no rules on eating kobolds.

from then on thats what we ate

Kuma Kode
2010-07-28, 04:31 PM
Dragonborn Paladin of Bahamut: "Okay, so the dragon above is breathing down lightning, I'm carrying the two gnomes in the party, and there's a few types of rolls I can make to dodge the lightning, but if I fail, we all get zapped?"
DM (me): "That's about the long and short of it."
Paladin: "Okay. I throw the bard gnome to the swordmage..."
Bard: "What."
(rolls on a few sides, successes, Bard is tossed and caught)
Paladin: "Okay, I look at the warlock, who I have seen teleporting around wildly. <IC(in character)> You got this, right?"
Warlock: <IC> Umm...Yes?
Paladin: "I activate Vigor and charge straight through the blast of lightning directly in front of us."
Warlock: "OH JESUS CHRIST. I teleport forward!!!"
DM: ...Yeah, that works.
Paladin: "I emerge from the other side of the lightning breath, smoking. As the Warlock appears out of thin air in front of me, I grab him and tuck him into my arm like a football without breaking stride."
<Dead silence at the table>
Paladin: "Boo-yah." That is amazing. :smallbiggrin:

RE:Insanity
2010-07-28, 05:42 PM
Glowing mushrooms! We're saved!

Badassery is not measured in how badass you act or say you are, but in how badass others watch you be. (said as pally/monk tumbles between the legs of a pit fiend, grabs the tied up villagers, and great cleaves his way through a swarm of minor demons, then slings the villager over his shoulder and uses a combination of smite evil and his nunchuks to choke the demon summoning half-fiend sorceror so hard his head popped off)

Serpentine
2010-07-28, 11:37 PM
They were basically trapped on a deserved island with pretty much nothing but one mansion on itSo they totally had that island coming, I guess.
:smalltongue:

Andion Isurand
2010-07-29, 12:50 AM
Brando the Mando (Orc): "Let me open that man for you..."

Qustal (cursed wood elf monk): "My hands grow cold without your blood to warm them."

Kaww
2010-07-29, 01:06 AM
Barbarian: "So what if the cave smells of methane? I light the fire."

RE:Insanity
2010-07-29, 01:06 AM
Who knew the necromancers had undead?!?!?

What can I say? The chick on the front of the module turned me on! (was joking!)

Wait, it has yellow blood? It's a LEMON ZEST golem! Oh NOES!

(Pyromaniac evoker wizard in a dark room when the bad guy had just woken up and was freaking out due to the dark. came up right behind him and started to cast burning hands.) Need a light?

(d20 apocalypse, right after torturing the information out of a bugbear by sticking its face in the dune buggy's tail pipe) I guess you could say the victim was...exhausted.
Player chorus: YEEEEAAAAAAH!

Hadrian_Emrys
2010-07-29, 02:23 AM
A couple one-liners (and a tl;dr anecdote) from the best Spycraft campaign since... -ever:


The fixer, upon botching her third attack in a row, cries out in character:

Fixer: "I'm going to KILL those R&D guys for giving me a defective gun!"
Wheelman: "With what?" *he mocks after smearing one goon with the car while taking out a second with his smg*


My character, pointman and "team leader", is inspired on how to draw aggro during a drive-by attack on a group of gunmen:

Pointman: *drops his slacks and moons the goons through the bullet-proof window*
Fixer: "What are you... -OH MY FREAKING EYES! I'm BLIND!"
Driver: *turns on the car MP3 player* -when the moon hits you eye...


Later on, during the same fight, the Soldier shows us all that he's a stoic immortal while the Fixer and Snoop establish their mutual hatred:

Goon1: *failing to stuff a grenade into the soldier's cracked open window* Open your window.
Soldier: No.
Goon1: *makes his save (dives for cover) as Goon2 aims a RPG at the car*
(The Pointman, Snoop, and Wheelman make their saves and run into the a nearby building to take cover. Both the Driver and the Pointman were by car doors, so that was no problem. The Snoop's player, keeping in-character, states that the reason the Fixer could not make it out of the car in time was because he climbed over her to make his own escape.)
Soldier: *silently kicks open the door of the armored car, gets out, and walks backwards into the building's doorway while carrying the injured Fixer in one arm and killing Goon1 with the assault rifle held in his other*
Goon2: *fires another RPG directly at the soldier*
(The Fixer makes her save, the Soldier fails again. This is explained as the Soldier throwing her out of harm's way before taking the hit like a boss as the Snoop goes fetal and screams like a 5 year old girl.)
Soldier: "Ow." *drops, but is still alive*
Wheelman: *shreds Goon2 with his smg*
Fixer: *weakly weaves toward the prone Snoop and lays on a critical buttstroke* I HATE YOU!
Snoop: *does the opposite of taking it like a boss, and goes down*
Pointman: *frantically patting himself all over before rushing to the aid of the soldier* "Oh my god! How did I not get hit?" (It should be noted that the Pointman had nearly died by the end of every single previous fight.)

Ruinix
2010-07-29, 08:05 AM
during a short campaing in dragonlance, after a break to do some personal quests wich i travel with the mage of the group to do her "tower of wizardry quest" and gain her robe, anyway after that we back to the group in the first encounter with the all party gather....

wizard: regen this ugly troll *cast fire wall*
DM: u don't cast anything
wizard: wait, what ?!
DM: check spot
wiz: pass
DM: ur spell book is in the bagpack of ruinix (my char wich was a kender XDD)
wiz: what do you r doing with MY SPELLBOOK ?! *almost thorwing lighting bolts from the eyes* XDDD
I: i was safe keeping cause u know u tend to be to sloppy with your things, really girl u r a easy target for a thief, but don't worry i have my eye on you.

XDDDD after that the red robe wiz have to make a use of her self control for dont kill me XDDD

Serpentine
2010-07-29, 08:12 AM
Blegh. "u"s and "r"s are for saving money on text messages :smallyuk:
Anyway, aren't spell books just needed for preparing spells, not casting them?

The Glyphstone
2010-07-29, 11:02 AM
It only makes sense in context, but:

Fighter: I grapple [Rogue] and throw him into the warp pipe.

This followed. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=9020273&postcount=29)

JerichoPenumbra
2010-07-30, 12:43 PM
I have 3 occasions that I'll speak of. They my not be the best but in my opinion some of the most memorable.

In a low level game we just started I'm playing a diviner named Tiresias (yes, he's loosely based on the character from Oedipus Rex) was just 'given' a 'baby malformed gargoyle' (one of the characters playing one of the DM's homebrew) as a research subject. The gargoyle doesn't like anyone and plots my demise though the rest of the mage institute believes it to be un-sentient. The elders of the council put a magical leash of sorts on it, connecting to me. This made the distance of where it can be away from me being 5 miles. :smalleek:

Tiresias: "Elders although I thoroughly respect your words I can't help but to see the error of this judgment. This gargoyle is vicious creature that could rend me limb from limb. And you honestly expect me to wander of on an expedition with no means of keeping that this from attacking me? It could kill me and take the bracelet and be free"
Elders: "It is unintelligent and wouldn't be able to think of such actions."
Tiresias: "It looks like a goat for crying out loud! It would eat me along with my possessions! Even if it didn't, what about the other people it could harm without my supervision!?"

after a semi-long debate I finally Got the council to add the enchantment to keep it from attacking me.

In another game I was playing rouge. We had just finished exploring a cave and looting the treasure when we found a skeletal body trapped underneath boulder. In his bag he had a vampire hunting kit and in his hand he had a glowing silver dagger. If he was alive he would have looked like a low level van helsing. He also had a hat and coat described as badass by the DM. We couldn't get the coat without ruining the coat because it was trapped under the boulder. Since we couldn't move the boulder we left it there but I took a hat and dagger and we went back to town. After trekking back to the cave with a few scrolls of Levitate I got the coat. When I saw the party again they only had this to say.
Party: "You went back for the coat!?"
Me: "Yep. Who would for a coat this badass?"

Later in the same game.
Me: "Okay hold on. The rouge (me) is trying to talk the paladin out of coup de gracing the helpless tied up prisoner instead of taking him to the authorities. Something is wrong with this picture."

Ruinix
2010-07-30, 01:03 PM
group fighting with BBEG psionic sorcer, we got him to low HP and he focus on the barbarian with INT 6, the BBEG do his stuffs and the DM description was:

DM: ur brain cup blow of and you're dying. barbarian -9hp with diehard feat. off course the barbarian drop his falchion and is on the flor.
barbarian: *i take my brain out and toss it to the BBEG*
DM: WHAT ?! mmm ok. roll
barbarian: 20 nat, another 20 nat, comfirmed. roll damage.
DM "BBEG": you kill me !
barbarian: "last dying words" yes, with the power of my mind"

Ravens_cry
2010-07-30, 01:12 PM
group fighting with BBEG psionic sorcer, we got him to low HP and he focus on the barbarian with INT 6, the BBEG do his stuffs and the DM description was:

DM: ur brain cup blow of and you're dying. barbarian -9hp with diehard feat. off course the barbarian drop his falchion and is on the flor.
barbarian: *i take my brain out and toss it to the BBEG*
DM: WHAT ?! mmm ok. roll
barbarian: 20 nat, another 20 nat, comfirmed. roll damage.
DM "BBEG": you kill me !
barbarian: "last dying words" yes, with the power of my mind"
That story sounds awfully familiar, and yet not.
http://img202.imageshack.us/img202/9356/killyouwithmybrain.jpg

strider24seven
2010-07-30, 01:26 PM
My favorite: a Bard with Glibness and Inspire Competence.

Guard: "Hey! No one is allowed in the vault!"
Bard: "[Bluff] You are a potato."
Guard: "Gee... I never noticed that before."
Bard: "[Bluff] Potatoes don't have vault keys. You should drop them."
Guard: "Okay... That makes sense."
Bard: "[Bluff] These are not the adventurers you are looking for."
Guard: "These are not the adventurers I am looking for."

After which, we proceeded to rob the master vault of a very powerful Red Wizard. That's what he gets for using guards with no ranks in Sense Motive.

(For the record, we were level 7, and were completely breaking the plot wide open. We were supposed to be caught by the guard, who was a level 18 Gnoll Warblade, but after the Bard rolled 3 Bluff checks of well over 50, the DM took pity on us and let us scurry away with over 20,000 gp.)

Edit: Since I'm bored, I'll share another.

We were awfully cramped in our marching order in a minotaur's cave with several squishy party members, so my ever-paranoid Factotum suggested that the small characters be carried by the medium-sized members. So I carried the halfling rogue and the dwarf fighter carried the gnome bard.

The Dwarf was so happy to have a second attack and buff-buddy that he suggested:
"Hey, why don't we install an exotic military saddle in my jockstrap for the gnome?"
So we did.

Edit Edit: In deciding the name of the group:
Bard: "Hey, why don't we be Black Sabbath? You can be Ozzy and I'll be Tony!"
Fighter: "No way, I like the Thundercats. That way we have a battle cry!"
Me: "Guys, why don't we be the Black 'Thundercats' Sabbath?"
Fighter: "Hey that's great! Afro-cats, HOOOO!"

This (http://img682.imageshack.us/img682/7339/afrocat.jpg) became our mascot.

Yukitsu
2010-07-30, 01:29 PM
Me: You may hate my guts, but do you hate my guts enough to die horribly.
Player 1: Good point. I'll stone to flesh sparky here and huck her at the blob.
Me: I reverse course and dive bomb the block head that threw me with my perfect fly speed.
Player 1: I regret my decision already.

Player 2: So you used to be a rat huh?
Rat guy: Yeah, but I got better. Most of my freinds were eaten by the horrible, horrible hawk people. Thank God I don't have to worry about the horrible, horrible hawk people anymore.
Me: Hussha! *Dive bombs*
Rat Guy: AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGH!

Me: I'm an anthropomorphic nature thingy. I normally just go around being called "God" where I come from, but you guys can make up a personal name for me if you really want.
Player 2: I think we're gonna call you Sparky.
Me: Sure.

Me: I'm gonna taze you, bro.

Ruinix
2010-07-30, 02:40 PM
That story sounds awfully familiar, and yet not.
http://img202.imageshack.us/img202/9356/killyouwithmybrain.jpg

i didnt see before !! LOL

maybe our barb inspired *steal* those lines from there XDDDD anyway it was awesome on live XDDD

genericname
2010-07-30, 03:11 PM
3.5

Orc Barbarian is completely drunk in the tavern with us, when in walks a high ranking cleric of the church of Pelor (he was the local church leader) with two level 20 paladins. (We were all around 8) He decided to come in and check up on the quest he had given us. Me (9 Bard and party leader) and the rest of the party apart from the barbarian talk with the Cleric. As he turns around to leave the Barbarian decided that he was going to pee on the floor, because thats the kind of thing he does. The DM is kind of annoyed at him doing this sort of time, so tells him to roll it. Crit fail. The barbarian drops his pants and lets rip, right on to the Cleric. The barbarian's player just stares at his character sheet and then looks at the DM.

"..... So I'm just going to assume I need to make a new character."

Serpentine
2010-07-31, 01:02 AM
Edit Edit: In deciding the name of the group:
Bard: "Hey, why don't we be Black Sabbath? You can be Ozzy and I'll be Tony!"
Fighter: "No way, I like the Thundercats. That way we have a battle cry!"
Me: "Guys, why don't we be the Black 'Thundercats' Sabbath?"
Fighter: "Hey that's great! Afro-cats, HOOOO!"That reminds me of the way our party spent ages just debating our party name. We ended up with "The League of Steely Mettle". It was my idea :smallcool:

Popertop
2010-07-31, 01:22 AM
In one game the DM kept reminding them to "keep it simple" when
trying to figure out his riddle of how they were supposed to get
out of this demi-plane they were on.

Turned out to be microscopic organisms in the walls that were making people sick. Yeah, keep it simple DM, real simple.

jguy
2010-07-31, 01:36 AM
It was a joking reference that I took seriously

DM: The wizards are so annoyed at you they magically seal your mouth shut. (think neo from the first Matrix)

Me: (Transmutation Specialist) That is fine, I start talking out of the mouth on my hands. "Give me a big kiss!"

Ponderthought
2010-07-31, 02:06 AM
"Dinner Time!"
Favorite war cry of my rather dubious fighter.

DM: You pull the book out of the shelf. As you do this you hear a loud click, and the shelf slides aside, revealing a very irritated vampire lord.
Me: What kind of book is it?
DM:....A holy text.
Me: I throw the book at him.

DM: The mindflayer finally falls before your blades. The fight was exhaust...
Me: Cleric, Raise him.
DM: What?
Cleric raises the mindflayer, and we smash him into a thin red paste.
Me: ... Again.
DM: You..are a bad man.

Snake-Aes
2010-07-31, 06:56 AM
In one game the DM kept reminding them to "keep it simple" when
trying to figure out his riddle of how they were supposed to get
out of this demi-plane they were on.

Turned out to be microscopic organisms in the walls that were making people sick. Yeah, keep it simple DM, real simple.

Psst...that's called "Disease".

Kaje
2010-07-31, 07:55 AM
"We're here to commandeer your chocobo."

strider24seven
2010-07-31, 11:55 AM
My recent favorite:
[Same party as before. A bandit has been subdued and is being interrogated as to the location of the bandits' camp. *Note that my character is a Factotum that subs INT for CHA on Intimidate checks*]
Bandit: "I'll never talk! Do what you will!"
Fighter: "[Intimidate Fail] Even if I break your legs and leave you to the vultures?"
Bandit: "Even then!"
Wizard: "[Intimidate/Aid Another/Recovery/Fail] Even if I turn you into a newt?"
Bandit: "Not even if I were a newt!"
Bard: "[Glibness Bluff Fail] You are a potato."
Bandit: "What the hell are you talking about?"
Me: "Okay. Everyone out. [Everyone leaves]. Just wait 'til Mitch comes."
Bandit: "Who's Mitch"
Me: "He's a bit of an a**. I think you'll like him."
[Mitch the Donkey is brought in, hee-hawing]
Me: "You see, Mitch has never been fixed, and he's been without a jenny (female donkey) for a while."
Bandit: "So?"
Me: "[Intimidate] Fighter, remove his trousers."

This was a situation full of firsts.
Needless to say, the first bandit to ever have ranks in Sense Motive divulged the location of the bandit camp. This was the first time a Bard with Glibness failed a bluff check (he rolled a 1 and had no circumstance/aid another boni, and the bandit rolled a 20 on his Sense Motive). Mitch the Donkey later became the first useful animal member of the party, grappling and subduing an owlbear during an ambush.

Serpentine
2010-07-31, 12:18 PM
My party once spent way too much time debating what to do with the corpse of a spy that had killed herself on our boat in the middle of a river. Options considered included turning her into glass and dropping her in the river. But it would wear off and the corpse would pop up... So, they would break the glass statue! But then that could have the same effect, but with pieces... Well, then they would grind the glass into a power, which would simply result in a nice fish chunder!
Can't remember what they decided on, but it took way too much time, and way too much icky detail.

Ravens_cry
2010-07-31, 12:19 PM
My recent favorite:
[Same party as before. A bandit has been subdued and is being interrogated as to the location of the bandits' camp. *Note that my character is a Factotum that subs INT for CHA on Intimidate checks*]
Bandit: "I'll never talk! Do what you will!"
Fighter: "[Intimidate Fail] Even if I break your legs and leave you to the vultures?"
Bandit: "Even then!"
Wizard: "[Intimidate/Aid Another/Recovery/Fail] Even if I turn you into a newt?"
Bandit: "Not even if I were a newt!"
Bard: "[Glibness Bluff Fail] You are a potato."
Bandit: "What the hell are you talking about?"
Me: "Okay. Everyone out. [Everyone leaves]. Just wait 'til Mitch comes."
Bandit: "Who's Mitch"
Me: "He's a bit of an a**. I think you'll like him."
[Mitch the Donkey is brought in, hee-hawing]
Me: "You see, Mitch has never been fixed, and he's been without a jenny (female donkey) for a while."
Bandit: "So?"
Me: "[Intimidate] Fighter, remove his trousers."

This was a situation full of firsts.
Needless to say, the first bandit to ever have ranks in Sense Motive divulged the location of the bandit camp. This was the first time a Bard with Glibness failed a bluff check (he rolled a 1 and had no circumstance/aid another boni, and the bandit rolled a 20 on his Sense Motive). Mitch the Donkey later became the first useful animal member of the party, grappling and subduing an owlbear during an ambush.


You know, in the Firefly universe, grapple is a euphemism.

Anasazi
2010-07-31, 05:31 PM
Just a couple of days ago we had a good one. Let me give you a little backstory as to the humor behind the comment.
This player is playing a PC that thinks himself as a god, literally, like he pictures himself standing hand in hand with gods like Moradin or Asmodeus. We're working with some undead, who clearly serve Vecna, and this was our first diplomatic encounter with them. Tensions are high and somehow this player has the highest diplomacy bonus out of us all, so he rolls a rather decent roll on the dice and we're expecting some good results because of such, until he opens his mouth, in all seriousness he asks:

"Do you need a God?"

Kuma Kode
2010-07-31, 06:44 PM
Barbarian: "So what if the cave smells of methane? I light the fire." The science nerd in me hates that quote so much. Methane is naturally odorless; sulfur dioxide (rotten egg smell) is added to it in industrial environments to give it a smell so a leak can be detected. :smallannoyed:

Sorry, had a nerd-spasm.

Snake-Aes
2010-07-31, 06:48 PM
The science nerd in me hates that quote so much. Methane is naturally odorless; sulfur dioxide (rotten egg smell) is added to it in industrial environments to give it a smell so a leak can be detected. :smallannoyed:

Sorry, had a nerd-spasm.

Falter not! DM asked me what kind of gas would introduce hilarity when we next trek in caverns and I suggest Sulfur Hexafluoride.

Arbitrarious
2010-08-01, 12:44 AM
We are playing a 2 person mid level game. Me (sorc) and my friend (fighter) encounter a mated pair of trolls. I throw grease under one and we work on the second. Turns out the female we greased could actually balance and decided to start pelting the fighter with range from the cover of the cave wall. She's hurt but I'm done with high level spells and the fighter has no range. We need to kill the troll.

I forget about the grease and charge the troll with a shocking grasp. I don't balance, slip, fall, and slide toward the troll. So I attack as I slide under her. She drops.

Fighter: Wait did you just give her a ****?
Me: It wasn't intentional, that sort of thing happens in this line of work.
Fighter: What are you, her OBGYN?
Me: ...

The rest of the game the fighter made malpractice jokes whenever I used shocking grasp.

mucat
2010-08-01, 12:57 AM
In one game the DM kept reminding them to "keep it simple" when
trying to figure out his riddle of how they were supposed to get
out of this demi-plane they were on.

Turned out to be microscopic organisms in the walls that were making people sick. Yeah, keep it simple DM, real simple.

I'm not seeing your point here. Aren't microscopic organizsms usually what make people sick? (Granted, your characters might not know this, and it might not even be true in your campaign setting -- disease might literally be caused by evil spirits -- but still, I can't see why this was such a stretch.)

Urpriest
2010-08-01, 01:10 AM
I'm not seeing your point here. Aren't microscopic organizsms usually what make people sick? (Granted, your characters might not know this, and it might not even be true in your campaign setting -- disease might literally be caused by evil spirits -- but still, I can't see why this was such a stretch.)

They usually don't come out of the walls and block planar travel.

jguy
2010-08-01, 01:15 AM
Since we have yet to discover other planes of existence maybe they DO!

Ertwin
2010-08-01, 01:48 AM
My character has a top hat that can catch a ranged attack, and launch it out at a later time. The King has no idea, so was quite puzzled by this exchange.

Me: "Your magesty, whoever is attacking your throne room, is definately powerful if your forces are having trouble with him. Do you have a balista I can use?"

King: "Um yes?"

Me: Great! Lets go get me shot by a balista.

Enterti
2010-08-01, 01:51 AM
"Hey DM can i use Hulking Hurler to use my lv 1 followers as projectiles?"
Sadly he did not allow me to do so...

Lycan 01
2010-08-01, 02:00 AM
Word for word Paranoia exchange.


*akward silence*
Medic: I eat Team Leader.
Everyone at the table, myself as storyteller included: :smalleek:
Me: Okay. You just ate the Team Leader.
Team Leader: Wait, don't I get a dodge roll or something?!
Me: YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!! XD


2 other lines from that session...

"I EAT FRIEND COMPUTER!!"

and...

"As I'm pulled into the vortex, I aim my gun down... and reverse the gravity of the black hole."

Denkal
2010-08-01, 12:59 PM
(DnD 3.5)Cleric: "Haven't you had enough heroics for one day?"
Paladin (Having woken up gotten his stomach pumped of liquid about 10 seconds ago after saving a large amount of the party from a drowning-based death trap): "Nope. Paladin." <takes off running in direction of screaming party members>

Mind if I sig this for awesomeness?

Also, from a player who keeps forgetting about his Dodge feat:
DM: "The dragon rages!"
Player: (panicked) "HE'S MY DODGE TARGET!"

NowhereMan583
2010-08-01, 01:59 PM
In a homebrew game (I was a player, not the GM), the following situation developed:

The players were being held prisoner on a ship, which was currently at a standstill way out in the ocean, out of sight of the mainland. We had no idea where our captors were planning to go or what they wanted to do once they got there, but we were pretty sure it was bad for us. One of the players (not me) managed to steal one of the lifeboats, and started paddling for her life. Back on the ship, our captors barely notice, as they have enough captives remaining that losing one isn't a big deal.

Days later, on the brink of some serious dehydration issues, she finds a small island, and manages to forage enough food and water to keep herself alive. The next day, she looks out to sea... and sees the ship from which she had just escaped, heading directly towards the island. (Who would have thought that the only land for days in any direction was, in fact, the ship's destination? :smalltongue: )

As soon as the ship gets close enough that the people on board can hear her, she stands up, looks as intimidating as she possibly can, and yells out:

"I have captured your island! In exchange for safe passage to the mainland, I am willing to negotiate conditions for its return!"

Lycan 01
2010-08-01, 08:11 PM
Well don't leave us hanging, dude. Tell us how it ended! :smallbiggrin:

mucat
2010-08-01, 08:25 PM
I gotta say, if I were the captors I would create and enfore a one-time-only "any sufficiently awesome captive goes free" rule.

I wouldn't free her friends, though. They would each have to do something equally awesome.

aivanther
2010-08-01, 09:22 PM
I have one I was a player in.

It was a homebrew setting, and one player was playing a warforged dungeoncrasher/warforged juggernaught. This guy was a one trick pony, but he was very very good at that trick.

Anyway we were in some dungeon and trying to get past a door, finally the player gets fed up and says

Player: I charge the door.
DM: Okay...roll x,y,z *long list of rolls*
Player: makes all the rolls
DM: Okay, you blast through the doors, emerging unscathed, as you hurtle through you come face to face with a flesh golem, behind him you notice a drow 10 feet behind him. They are shocked at seeing
Player: I still have momentum right?
DM: Uh, yeah.
Player: I continue to charge the golem. *rolls a bull rush attempt, natural 20 with a bunch of godlike bonuses*
DM: *rolls* (naughty words removed) 1... You push the golem back into the drow.
Player: Do we stop there?
DM: Wait, what?
Player: I got a huge roll, I should move him back more than that.
DM: Fine...they move back...*does some quick math* and you shove them both against the wall.
Player: *rolls an ungodly amount of dice, dealing an ungoldy amount of damage*
DM: I hate your guts

Player to the rest of the party in a casual manner: So, you guys want to cast some create water on me? I seem to have some goo stuck in my armor.

Serpentine
2010-08-01, 09:24 PM
Mind if I sig this for awesomeness?I recommend seeing if you can find the last time he posted it (I think it was in its own thread about paladins). It was better written that time*, and had its even awesomer context.

*Not that it's bad this time or anything, mind, it just lacks the punch of the other.

NowhereMan583
2010-08-01, 09:59 PM
Well don't leave us hanging, dude. Tell us how it ended! :smallbiggrin:

The GM asked, "What's the highest roll your character can get on an [Intimidate-equivalent] check?"

Player: "12." [Remember, homebrew system.]

GM: "All right, if you get a 12, they'll take you seriously."

The player rolls and gets an 11, so the GM rules that her former captors refused to negotiate, but were impressed by her moxie. They offered to spare her life if she stayed out of their way, but wouldn't give her passage. The captors were some sort of fox-demon-things, and we were all fairly terrified of them, so the player agreed, and the character just went and hid in the bushes until they left.

It turned out they were coming to the island to conduct a ritual sacrifice, and the rest of the party completely failed to fight back. We were slaughtered, and the most damage we managed to do was when I blew a hole in their ship. By accident.

That's kind of a separate story... I was playing this frail inventor-type who carried a few weapons hidden in his jacket for emergencies that basically amounted to clockwork grenades - they were little balls of overwound gears that, when activated, lost integrity and flung their components everywhere at ludicrously dangerous speeds. He was being menaced by the head fox-demon-thing (I honestly can't remember what they were called), and he decided to pull one out and chuck it at her.

Unfortunately, he was utterly horrible at anything involving manual dexterity, having replaced his hands with mediocre-at-best "augmentations". (He had tools built into them so he could still use them for tinkering - the bonus for having built-in tools was ruled to exactly offset the penalties for the hands being so weak and clumsy.) So, predictably, he rolled really poorly. Unpredictably, he rolled as poorly as he possibly could, a couple times in a row. The grenade went off inside his jacket, killing him and heavily damaging the hull of the ship. The demon lived.

It was a one-shot adventure to test the system, rather than a full campaign, so we were okay with the "everybody dies except the person left stranded on an island" outcome.

Traveler
2010-08-01, 10:39 PM
The party was headed down into a ravine they had cleared out earlier and were going to use as camp.
Rogue: "O.K. Before anything can possibly happen, I climb down the rope."
Ten second pause
Cleric: I'll take my armor off and toss it down so it dosn't hamper my climbing.

Guess what happened to the rogue.
Yep, face full of scale mail.

Reverent-One
2010-08-01, 11:27 PM
I recommend seeing if you can find the last time he posted it (I think it was in its own thread about paladins). It was better written that time*, and had its even awesomer context.

*Not that it's bad this time or anything, mind, it just lacks the punch of the other.

Found it case Denkal wants it. You were right. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=150139)

Denkal
2010-08-02, 01:50 AM
Found it case Denkal wants it. You were right. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=150139)

Much appreciated.

RE:Insanity
2010-08-02, 02:01 AM
A group I was DMing for came across a black dragon and made some very bad planning and save rolls throughout the whole damn fight. We wound up with the wizard (who was atoning for accidentally killing a little kid with a fireball) sacrificing himself and turning the rogue (they had an IRL and in game relationship) invisible so that she could escape, the cleric (who had a feud with the bard) died chuckling in the bard's arms about losing their little prank game they had going, the bard had been forced to turn himself invisible and run away with the rogue as the fighter held off the dragon, and the fighter, dying and disabled, looked up in the dragon's face and just glared at it while it went through their treasure. It came across a spear the group hadn't identified yet, and was complimenting the craftsmanship when the fighter actually succeeded on the stability check, took the spear and shoved it in the dragon's mouth, coughing," You like it so much? You can damn well EAT IT!".
Guess what the spear was!
Spear of dragonbane.

Lycan 01
2010-08-02, 02:18 PM
So it killed the Dragon? Wow. That whole scene is, in my opinion, one of those "perfect" DnD moments. Where even when the party is losing, they're still roleplaying their characters like experts, resulting in epic moments like that. :smallcool:

AtwasAwamps
2010-08-02, 03:38 PM
I recommend seeing if you can find the last time he posted it (I think it was in its own thread about paladins). It was better written that time*, and had its even awesomer context.

*Not that it's bad this time or anything, mind, it just lacks the punch of the other.

Heh, I was trying to relate the situation. I knew it was awkward, but thought it necessary. It probably wasn't, but meh, someone linked the original thread anyways.

Paladin still not dead! Though I think we're getting closer every game...

Project_Mayhem
2010-08-02, 03:51 PM
'But we need your help taking down a soul stealing tremere mage'

'Listen, I've got 99 problems right now, and the Lich ain't one'

Autonomy
2010-08-02, 04:45 PM
Two particularly memorable ones:

I'm not sure if this is technically a quote, but the first took place during a short 40K Inquisitor homebrew, I was playing a massively modified cyborg-priest thing that had ended up with eight limbs, and was thus pretty much a big metal spider. So we're up to our whacky-yet-grim antics, when we're blocked by some obstacle that's obviously climbable (or something, I forget the specific problem) and Player 2 asks how we're going to deal with this. The third player replies:

"Dude, there's like a giant ****ing spider right behind you."

Referring of course, to my sweet mechanical self.

On hearing this, Player 2 promptly freaks out, flailing and screaming whilst throwing himself out of the chair. In real life.

After laughing ourselves breathless, in between gasps, we managed to explain that Player 2 had incorrectly understood Player 3's statement and there wasn't a monstrous arachnid hiding behind his head.

And the second quote takes place in a random 3.5 game, everyone was playing oddballs;we had a half-ogre half-dragon bruiser type, some bizarre elf subtype and my Warforged Mineral Warrior Monk. It was one of those games. I was in fact from Mechanus and on a monk pilgrimage to the material plane. I had already broken the game by having everything I owned made out of precious metals, but likewise had no concept of material value so it almost balanced out. I'm playing the fish out water role to the hilt and have just paid for a meal for my four newfound friends with the equivalent of a platinum piece, when the innkeeper says:

"Change?"

"My order doesn't approve of change."

JaronK
2010-08-02, 04:51 PM
My players have fired off a number of gems. A few include:

Context: They were sent in to help a nearby town with a ghost. "Okay, we killed a baby and got run out of town. The ghost may or may not reappear. Payment please."

Context: Same quest, but the quest giver had said "find out about this ghost problem." Their response after going in: "Yup, there's a ghost. Payment please."

JaronK

NowhereMan583
2010-08-02, 06:16 PM
"My order doesn't approve of change."

This is absolutely brilliant.

That is all.

RE:Insanity
2010-08-02, 08:43 PM
It's my own quote, but it's still awesome:
Our characters had been helping this man clear out corruption in the temple of the tower (a big church for these people who worshiped the sky and clouds and such. we were indebted to them for saving a friend) and he wound up becoming the patriarch of the church. So we're in the top room in the tower, which has huge open windows and balconies, and it turns out he's a rogue neutral fiend who wanted to be a religious leader for the monetary gain and fame, and he killed our wizard and paladin, paralyzed our fighter and rogue, and had knocked my monk 2/cleric 4 prone. The fiend was standing with his back to us and looking out a window, giving us a lecture on how he wasn't really that bad, after all, we killed priests who were actually corrupt, and now we were at the top and all that. Well, as he said," And lookit me, I've risen to the top!", I got up, ran at him (the haste spell the wizard had cast was still in effect) and grappled him, shanking him in the back with a holy dagger and sending us both out the window. On the way to our deaths, I leaned in close and whispered," What goes up, must come down!"

Sorry for the wall of text.

CockroachTeaParty
2010-08-02, 11:24 PM
This quote wasn't really from a PC, but a retort from a bad guy.

My character was a wizard, facing down a Nightwalker.

My character: "Go back to the shadow!" *casts Dismissal, or Banishment, or whatever.*

Nightwalker: *makes saving throw* "I am the shadow."

That was from a DM who didn't do much in-character dialogue, but he did a cool, deep voice for that comeback and everything. It's my favorite D&D quote, easily.

Zexion
2010-08-02, 11:33 PM
PC: "I cast Time Stop, cast another Time Stop, then Quickened... and Quickened... etc, etc, etc.
Then I use Extended Chain Lightning Energy Substitute (Fire) on [the Ice God]."
DM: You can't do that.
PC: At least let me roll...
DM: Fine. Roll.
(Rolls three natural 20s.)
PC: Whoa. What are the odds?
DM: Grrrr...

Not to mention, in a Harry Potter themed oneshot game:


PC: I cast Riddikulous on the Boggart.
DM: You roll a natural one.
PC: Wait, did I tell you what my character fears yet?
DM: Nope.
PC: Well, he fears stormtroopers in bikinis swallowing swords that are on fire.
(The rest of the table bursts out laughing)
DM: That is not-
PC: Oh, come on, please?
DM: Fine. Your natural 1 forces it into a shape more frighting to everybody else, namely... a Dementor.
Everyone: What?

Hadrian_Emrys
2010-08-03, 12:05 AM
"NOT THE FACE!" [/sarcastic Demilich]

"Ew. Gross. That thing makes my skin crawl." [/Kobold cleric upon seeing a Forsaken Shell]

JaronK
2010-08-03, 12:09 AM
Huh, that reminds me of the time the Necropolitan Paladin of Tyranny/Hexblade beat a Mindflayer to death after tripping him face first in some mud and saying "boy, you got a pretty mouth."

Hmm, horror done wrong?

JaronK

Hadrian_Emrys
2010-08-03, 12:30 AM
Huh, that reminds me of the time the Necropolitan Paladin of Tyranny/Hexblade beat a Mindflayer to death after tripping him face first in some mud and saying "boy, you got a pretty mouth."

Hmm, horror done wrong?

JaronK

An undead evil paladin abomination (sin against the gods), a creature from beyond the great beyond (in the future), and a (half-blind from moonshine) necro-xeno-philiac Appalachian hillbilly walk into a bar...

-no matter where this joke is headed, odds are it won't be somewhere nice.

Flame of Anor
2010-08-03, 01:43 AM
It's my own quote, but it's still awesome:
Our characters had been helping this man clear out corruption in the temple of the tower (a big church for these people who worshiped the sky and clouds and such. we were indebted to them for saving a friend) and he wound up becoming the patriarch of the church. So we're in the top room in the tower, which has huge open windows and balconies, and it turns out he's a rogue neutral fiend who wanted to be a religious leader for the monetary gain and fame, and he killed our wizard and paladin, paralyzed our fighter and rogue, and had knocked my monk 2/cleric 4 prone. The fiend was standing with his back to us and looking out a window, giving us a lecture on how he wasn't really that bad, after all, we killed priests who were actually corrupt, and now we were at the top and all that. Well, as he said," And lookit me, I've risen to the top!", I got up, ran at him (the haste spell the wizard had cast was still in effect) and grappled him, shanking him in the back with a holy dagger and sending us both out the window. On the way to our deaths, I leaned in close and whispered," What goes up, must come down!"

Sorry for the wall of text.

That's awesome. :smallamused: If it were in a movie, with proper lead-up, monologuing, and all, it would be such an epic scene. (Even more than it already is, I mean.) :smallwink:

Math_Mage
2010-08-03, 04:03 AM
Falter not! DM asked me what kind of gas would introduce hilarity when we next trek in caverns and I suggest Sulfur Hexafluoride.

Chlorine Trifluoride for the...burning. Of everything. Yes, even that. And that. And your little dog too.

RE:Insanity
2010-08-03, 04:10 AM
Player:I bitch slap the DM.
DM: Okay, roll-waitwhat?*smack!*

ZeroGear
2010-08-03, 04:28 AM
An Oriental Game I was DMing where my players INSISTED I use the Book of Erotic fantasy:

-Character creation:
Me: So your character is a dragonborn monk. Anything special about him?
Monk: Well, dragons are technically giant lizards, right?
Me: Yes, and?
Monk: You know how some lizards have their thing "spit"?
Me: Wait, you mean...
Monk: Oh yeah, I have two!
Me: *sighs* fine. And You're playing a barbarian?
Barbarian: Yep, a boar totem barbarian.
Me: WHat's your weapon?
Barb: A Warfork!
Me: :smallconfused: Interresting choice. Since we're in the orient I'll allow it.
Barb: Sweet! I can fork people to death!
Me: *headdesk* And what of you? An archivist, right?
Arc: Yep.
Me: are you ok with being the only girl in the group?
Arc (a girl irl): I'm paying a guy.
Me: Ok then, anything special?
Arc: he's a spiritfolk who likes nice clothes and looks very girly.

Same game, in a brothel following a lead after the princess they were supposed to guard got kidnapped. The Monk was busy with a Geisha:

Me: You have managed to find a hidden door in the floor. There is a ladder leadig down into the ground.
Barb: I go down.
Arc: I follow him.
Me: The passage leads to a large room with many cages stacked upon each other. In these, you can see prisoners who are soon to be sold as slaves. At the end of the hallway, around the corner, you see a light.
Barb: I round the corner.
Me: A green, lizardlike creature sits near the torch that is providing the light. (rolls spot) He sees you. In a husky voice, he hisses: "Who goess there?"
Barb: I was, um, looking for the bathroom and got lost. (Bluff check)
Me: (fails sense motive check) "Ok, fine. Jusst get out of here."

Swash Macorum
2010-08-06, 08:45 AM
Backstory:
While in our DM’s form of the Underdark in his world, we encounter an elemental weird, who requests that we bring back the head of the Fury king [Furies are a homebrew race of humanoids; the females specialize in torture whereas the males are barbarians. We never really got to specifics. They have NOTHING in common with the Greek creature with the same name]. We prepare ourselves for the upcoming fight and she teleports us to where the Furies are, which is their battle arena where they…battle…

We are teleported into a waiting room attached to the fighting circle of the arena, and the Furies realize we are there. As the party tries to formulate a head-on attack, with strategy and tactics, I walk into the arena, by myself. Keep in mind, I am a Copper Dragon Shaman, and at the end of the previous campaign, this same character had his abilities taken away by one of the Furies because she changed his alignment with a spell. So I kind of hate these people.
In front of me, high in the seating area, sits their king, whom we have come to kill. I proceed to throw insults at him.

“Ritzkar, I ask you this. Why is it that the jester sits where the king should place his fat, flaming bottom?” I “notice” the crown on the king’s head. “Oh, I apologize! I did not realize that the jester of this court was the king.” He begins to scowl at me, for being so bold as to insult him and stepping into their sacred arena. “Actually, we were sent here to kill you, specifically, but by the look of things, this shouldn’t be a challenge at all.” I **** my head to the side and say, “I see that you have no female companion… Oh! You’re one of those kings!” He leaps from his throne high in the stands and lands 30 feet [6 squares] in front of me.

“You are a worthless wyrmling whom I will crush with my hands!”

“And you are gay, what’s your point?” We hear a roar coming from his throne area and a dire lion jumps down beside him. “Oh, is your little kitty going to fight for you?” The king says, “My beast fights with me!”
I flick my hand, as if warding away his comment, and say, “Prepositional phrases aside, we’re here to kill you. So if you would kindly roll for initiative, we can get this party st-BLARGH.”

Blargh is the verbal component of my breath weapon, as decided by a unanimous vote by the party.

ZeroGear
2010-08-06, 09:06 AM
Backstory:
While in our DM’s form of the Underdark in his world, we encounter an elemental weird, who requests that we bring back the head of the Fury king [Furies are a homebrew race of humanoids; the females specialize in torture whereas the males are barbarians. We never really got to specifics. They have NOTHING in common with the Greek creature with the same name]. We prepare ourselves for the upcoming fight and she teleports us to where the Furies are, which is their battle arena where they…battle…

We are teleported into a waiting room attached to the fighting circle of the arena, and the Furies realize we are there. As the party tries to formulate a head-on attack, with strategy and tactics, I walk into the arena, by myself. Keep in mind, I am a Copper Dragon Shaman, and at the end of the previous campaign, this same character had his abilities taken away by one of the Furies because she changed his alignment with a spell. So I kind of hate these people.
In front of me, high in the seating area, sits their king, whom we have come to kill. I proceed to throw insults at him.

“Ritzkar, I ask you this. Why is it that the jester sits where the king should place his fat, flaming bottom?” I “notice” the crown on the king’s head. “Oh, I apologize! I did not realize that the jester of this court was the king.” He begins to scowl at me, for being so bold as to insult him and stepping into their sacred arena. “Actually, we were sent here to kill you, specifically, but by the look of things, this shouldn’t be a challenge at all.” I **** my head to the side and say, “I see that you have no female companion… Oh! You’re one of those kings!” He leaps from his throne high in the stands and lands 30 feet [6 squares] in front of me.

“You are a worthless wyrmling whom I will crush with my hands!”

“And you are gay, what’s your point?” We hear a roar coming from his throne area and a dire lion jumps down beside him. “Oh, is your little kitty going to fight for you?” The king says, “My beast fights with me!”
I flick my hand, as if warding away his comment, and say, “Prepositional phrases aside, we’re here to kill you. So if you would kindly roll for initiative, we can get this party st-BLARGH.”

Blargh is the verbal component of my breath weapon, as decided by a unanimous vote by the party.

Was cour character's name "Dr. Octaganapus" by any chance?

Swash Macorum
2010-08-06, 09:10 AM
IOn the way to our deaths, I leaned in close and whispered," What goes up, must come down!"

Sorry for the wall of text.

You know, it's moments like this that make me very happy that I play Dungeons and Dragons.

Swash Macorum
2010-08-06, 09:14 AM
Was cour character's name "Dr. Octaganapus" by any chance?

:] No, but the sound was, of course, based off of him. Right now, that character, named Artemis, is level 21 with a homebrew feat for 21 level Dragon Shamans.
Epic Breath Weapon
Prerequisites: Dragon Shaman level 21+, Con 20+, Cha 18+
Effects: Your breath weapon’s are is doubled and your damage dice are increased to d8’s

If ever I could be called Octaganapus, it would be now.

Choco
2010-08-06, 09:22 AM
"SHUT THE F**K UP!!"
- My Cleric's verbal component for the Silence spell, first used during a villain's monologue, applied via pimp slap. It has stuck since then.

"Walk it off you pansy"
- Barbarian to the mook whos legs he just broke

AtwasAwamps
2010-08-06, 09:27 AM
Monk: "Okay, so, there's a lot of people up those stairs that want to kill us."

Paladin: "How many?"

Monk: "I counted to a high number and ran away."

Paladin: "Alright, don't worry, I'll talk to them."

::walks up the stairs, stands directly in front of the entire squad of enemies (17 to our 6), and smiles::

Paladin: "Surrender, please."

Enemy Leader (DM): "...What?"

Paladin: "Just being polite."

Swash Macorum
2010-08-06, 09:38 AM
Another great moment in the same campaign, but much earlier on, the party ended up in a tavern in the southern half of the world, which was uncharted to the Northern half [pages of backstory to explain this] First, let me explain our party:
Half-elf Druid Master of Many Forms – Tuttle
Half-elf Fighter, dual-wielding Bastard Swords – Ama
Elf wizard Master Specialist [Conjuration] – Ritzkar
Kestrea – 400 year old assassin, and a few other classes, who was put into stasis in this world’s previous campaign, to be awakened when she was needed again [her choice]. She also specializes in poisons *twitch, twitch*
Psionic Vow of Poverty guy who likes to dance and be foolish – Jon
Halfling Bard who changed classes more times than a hydra blinks – Quickie
Copper Dragon Shaman – Artemis [me]

So! We enter this tavern. Ama and Tuttle go to the bar and get drinks, Jon and Quickie go the stage to dance and play a song, while Ritzkar, Kestrea, and I sit in a corner near the door. An inebriated half-orc looks at Ritzkar and says, “Stupid elves!” and we roll for initiative. Quickie ends up going first and uses her Rod of Wanders. A field of butterflies surround the stage in a 15 foot radius, centered on her. The fight ends in a matter of seconds, and the whole tavern applauds the Halfling, for some reason. Not amused by this, I say so that the whole tavern can hear, “You are all a bunch of drunken idiots!” Everyone slowly turns toward me, and they start advancing. Suddenly, a high level cleric kicks in the door and Commands, as the spell, everyone to sit down. Kestrea, Ritzkar, and I pass our save, then the cleric asks what is going on in here.

Me [Out of game]: It’s kay guys, I got this.
Everyone [Out of game]: No. NO! Someone stop him!
Me [Out of game]: Trust me, this will work.
Me [in game]: This half-orc just called everyone in this tavern a drunken idiot!
DM: *Picard Double Face palm* Roll it.

As the d20 bounces around the table, we wait in suspense until it finally lands and we stare in amazement at the 20. The whole party bursts into uncontrollable laughter that people outside could even hear.

iDM
2010-08-06, 10:34 AM
Me (DM): There's a big treasure pile in the room. It is contained within a shallow box that fills one square.
Dan (rogue): I grab some of the gold.
Me: As soon as you touch it, a bolt shoots into your hand.
Dan: I break off the shaft, then touch the treasure again.
Me: Ummm... another bolt shoots you.
Dan: I break off the shaft and toch the treasure again.
Me: How many times are you planning to do this?
Dan: Well, eventually my hand will be so full of arrowheads that I can grab the treasure without actually touching it, right?

iDM
2010-08-06, 10:45 AM
Also, this is from a one-shot game when I was bored of DM'ing.

Joseph (DM): You find a magical tablet. The ancient Draconic inscription reads, along the lines of, 'ask and ye shall recieve'. It will give you any weapon you want.
Jonas (paladin): Really? Any weapon?
Joseph: Yep.
Jonas: SCAR-H bling, with red-dot sight and grenade launcher.
Joseph: Makarov flies in on his magical jetpack and blows you up. Make a new character. Start rolling now.

enigmatime
2010-08-06, 11:12 AM
This is a quote from a character I played in a one shot game but I'm keeping the character (shhhh... Don't tell my DM)

My character had just been bit by a zombie and after a few failed Fortitude Saves, he faces the facts
Leo (me): Yeah, um guys, I hate to break it to you but... (snatchs machete from someone (or tries and fails so he back up on his rollerskates) then pulls out his gun)
Jackson: DUDE! NO!
Leo: Dude, yes. (shoots self in heart)
I become a spellstitched zombie with free will
DM: Okay, this is ridiculous.
Me: How so? It isn't against the rules.
DM: I know that. It's just that... YOUR A BLEEPING (he said bleeping) SPELLSTITCHED ON ROLLERBLADES WITH PEPPERSPRAY! That isn't normal
Me: It isn't? How?
DM: Nevermind, back to the game.
Me: Wait, DM, can I talk to you?
DM: Fine.
Me to him in private: You don't care if I kill every last party member, do you?
DM: But your LG
Me: I already changed it.
DM: Be my guest!

Aeromyre
2010-08-06, 11:12 AM
"Tell me where Goldstein (the villain) is before i paint this Mother Trumucking floor red with your blood!!!"

I was the PC at the time
It was from our very first Mutants and masterminds session
My character is kind of a werewold but he's stuck in mid transformation due to falling into a vat of silver prior to getting infected, so he's got silver wolf claws.

Our whole group agrees thats the coolest must threatening quote.

Swash Macorum
2010-08-07, 12:55 AM
Another gem I had forgotten about happened in the first session of my first campaign. I was a Dwarf Fighter in a party of two rogues, a human Fighter, and an Elf Wizard. In reality, the elf's player and I didn't get along, and we didn't in the game either.

We enter a creepy old mansion, and sometime during the session, both rogues end up searching a dilapidated bathroom, fighting a Quazit. The other fighter and the wizard enter just as the fight is ending, while I'm still in the front hallway, using my Stone Cunning ability. I had no idea what I was doing at the time, so it seemed logical.

When I enter, I catch the tail end of a joke the elf wizard made, and I roll a will save to resist laughing, with a +4 bonus because he's an elf. I succeed at not laughing, then I tell the DM, "I use my Stone Cunning to throw a rock at the elf's head." I ended up throwing a sharpie at him instead, but it was sooooooo worth it.

The Pressman
2010-08-07, 05:47 AM
DM: "the kobolds pull a rope, and a cloud of flour is released into the room."
Me: Hmm. What level is produce flame?
A: 1, I believe.
Me: Ok. <to DM> I cast produce flame, then throw it into the flour filled room.
Rogue: Hold on, I'm still in here!
A: eh, you'll be fine. Just curl up and convince yourself you're getting a tan.

The resulting blast killed 5 kobolds, 8 rats, and severely injured a dire weasel. It also destroyed most of the treasure. But the rogue did make it out before the blast hit.

Project_Mayhem
2010-08-07, 11:41 AM
DM: "the kobolds pull a rope, and a cloud of flour is released into the room."
Me: Hmm. What level is produce flame?
A: 1, I believe.
Me: Ok. <to DM> I cast produce flame, then throw it into the flour filled room.
Rogue: Hold on, I'm still in here!
A: eh, you'll be fine. Just curl up and convince yourself you're getting a tan.

The resulting blast killed 5 kobolds, 8 rats, and severely injured a dire weasel. It also destroyed most of the treasure. But the rogue did make it out before the blast hit.

I do believe I know that premade adventure :smalltongue:

SonOfJubilex
2010-08-07, 03:13 PM
While not a player, an NPC had probably the sweetest line ever.

In a Post-Zombie Apocolypse Eberron (Think Left 4 Dead in Eberron), our party was in a castle chockingly filled with 8 Hordes of Zombies (Horde of Zombie was a CR15 monster my DM made using a Swarm of Zombies). Our party is against a gate that will open in 1 more round (it took 6 rounds to open) and we had a NPC/DMPC who was a Human Warmage/Suel Archanamach and he told us to run as soon as the gate opened.

DMPC: Guys. Get out of here...
Me: Huh?
DMPC: I'll give you guys a few minutes to run like Hell.
Cleric: I'm out of Turns, and can't heal everyone in time
Wizard: Out of Spells
DM: The Warmage begins to levitate, as his ring shatters (the ring was a one-use Ring of Levitate) and Ancient Suelise runes form on his arms, which he throws in front of him. The horde begins to advance closer
DMPC: Get out of here!

At this point, the party was dragging my Marshal/Knight, who served with this Warmage.

DM: A bright white orb appears in front of him, his hands making the orb ripple with power. (The warmage was casting an Electric Addmixture Empowered Explosive Orb of Fire)

and this single line, as the gate was closing behind us, was perfect.

DMPC: Smile. YOU SONS OF...

as soon as he finished "of" the gate slammed behind us, followed by our DM playing the audio from the Mythbusters blowing up the Cement Truck, followed by the sound of crackling electricity. It was WAY too cool.

Octopus Jack
2010-08-07, 03:30 PM
Not as awesome as some of the others but this just happened in a solo game I was playing in:

Me: Fear me mortal! You are facing Thalric: Lord of Darkness, I shall destroy your very soul!
DM: You're level 1 and...he hits you with his greatclub, take 10points of damage
Me: ...Dammit