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onthetown
2010-07-28, 09:44 AM
In an upcoming campaign, we're going to be decidedly lighthearted. With this in mind, I've created the following character:

This blackguard has plans of world domination. He does his best to be evil in everything so that he's constantly working toward that goal... but, unfortunately, he sucks at it. At being evil, I mean. Remember that orphanage down the street that was set to be demolished? This guy set the entire place on fire --which was great! But then he rescued all the orphans inside and brought them safely to the street. He laughed maniacally as they watched their home burn to the ground... Which was going to be burnt to the ground anyway. They were already packed to go to a new orphanage.

Scaring innocents? He's got that down to an art... or so he thinks. To exercise his control over the weak minds of the fearful, he got a necromancer to raise him a whole army of undead... to help out at the soup kitchen for the homeless. Not only did the people learn that this guy's undead minions were going to help them, but the extra hands made the work much more efficient and more homeless were able to be fed. What does this guy think? "Muahahahahahahhhh! Now there will be less people focused on starving and more people focused on fearing me and my undead!"

What does his god think? Doesn't care. This guy can cleave through seven orcs in five seconds, so he's too much of an asset to kick out of the faith. Besides, it's almost adorable (in a sad, pathetic way) how he tries so very hard and believes he's doing so very evil.

My blackguard will join up with the party to help them save the world so that he can take it over.

Thoughts? Discussion?

Also, I need ideas for more ways that he can suck at being evil in every day life.

hamishspence
2010-07-28, 09:52 AM
TV Tropes is a good source- as long as you don't lose sight of the reason you're there and spend hours looking at irrelavent stuff.

Particular tropes:

Poke The Poodle
What Do You Mean, It's Not Heinous?
Ineffectual Villain

These are a good place to start.

Morph Bark
2010-07-28, 09:53 AM
Anti-villains yay!

Also reminds me of Garland from 8-bit Theater, at least at the start. Except this guy doesn't offer the orphans self-made cookies. But yes, the way you described it, he does sound adorable. I'd buy a Blackguard plushie any day if there were any!

Perhaps he also wears armours with spikes, but with something covering the tips because "someone might get hurt and then they'd focus on the pain rather than staring at me wide-eyed in awe and fear!"

akma
2010-07-28, 09:59 AM
I like the idea.



Also, I need ideas for more ways that he can suck at being evil in every day life.

When he wants to kill random people, he kills people that everyone hates/fear from/criminals.
For exemple, he might want to kill an evil tyrant to get chaos in the kingdom, but instead the people are glad to become free of the tyrant rule and develop a peacefull, happy country.

Cyrion
2010-07-28, 10:00 AM
He's a rational bad guy- he knows that anyone on the ladder to power needs flunkies he can trust and depend on. Orcs, goblins, demons, what have you- those'll stab you in the back and make a power grab at the first opportunity, and they should be dealt with pre-emptively. Paladins, however. Those guys you can TRUST to have your back!

Also, draw inspiration from the character you quoted. Each of your plans should be elaborate and grandiose but with... issues.

Ormagoden
2010-07-28, 10:02 AM
Someone watched Despicable me too many times :P

(Sounds like a great idea!)

hamishspence
2010-07-28, 10:02 AM
And maybe, while he's got the idea behind torturing prisoners, he's not quite got the idea right. Such as playing nursery rhymes over and over with Create Sound, in the hope that this will cause them to crack.

Acero
2010-07-28, 10:04 AM
He needs an elaborate name.

Example
*Deep breath*
The Great and Allpowerful [insert name here. Lawrence?] of [insert homeland], Blackguard of [insert god here], Terror of the the air, earth, and underworld, Destroyer of Souls and Wrecker of Worlds, all While
Looking Frickin' Awesome in my all Black Onesy! (its got spikes man!)
*Grasping for air*

WarKitty
2010-07-28, 10:07 AM
Is he high enough level to have a fiendish servant?


http://www.cfamidwest.org/images/bestprem2005.jpg

Pink or lavender accents are also always nice.

JeminiZero
2010-07-28, 10:09 AM
The Great and Allpowerful [insert name here. Lawrence?] of [insert homeland], Blackguard of [insert god here], Terror of the the air, earth, and underworld, Destroyer of Souls and Wrecker of Worlds, all While Looking Frickin' Awesome in my all Black Onesy! (its got spikes man!)
*Grasping for air*

You forgot "and mayor of a little village up the coast".

Tussy the Druid
2010-07-28, 10:11 AM
Perhaps he kills tyrants and criminals and the like to show just how tough and evil he really is?

Jergmo
2010-07-28, 10:49 AM
I'm trying to think of this one episode of Johnny Bravo...this demon kept getting Johnny to do thinks to be malicious towards people, but they kept turning out to be positive for the people in question.

"And we're paying entirely in pennies. Canadian pennies!"
Cashier: *Screaming*
Demon: *Maniacal laughter*
Cashier: *Picks up a penny, gushing* I've been looking for this year of penny etc. etc. for ages for my collection!

Siosilvar
2010-07-28, 10:52 AM
You forgot "and mayor of a little village up the coast".

"Mistress of Magma".

ShadowsGrnEyes
2010-07-28, 11:18 AM
haha i'm just starting a sorceress who's can trace her lineage back to Elvish royalty, demons AND devils. . . she's going to try to take over the world to cope with family pressure. . . having a lighthearted take over the world character is the best. . .


AS for trying to be evil and failing:
1. Destroy an important artifact of great power belonging to a benign and unimpressive lord, an important artifact that was cursed to prevent him from becoming the great leader that he was meant to be and lead his kingdom to greatness. . . yay you destroyed their important artifact. . . . and lifted the curse. . . . oops. . .

2. TICKLE TORTURE!

3. DEATH OR CAKE. . . wait what?

hamishspence
2010-07-28, 11:32 AM
I like the notion of a blackguard who made a wish "I wish that all women would find me cute" and got turned into a very small female gnome with the curse that everything they wear turns pink and cutesy:

"Not that kind of cute!!"

Jergmo
2010-07-28, 11:37 AM
2. TICKLE TORTURE!

That was a genuine method of torture in the middle ages, though. The middle ages were strange - you remove a few finger nails and teeth, a broken arm and a few brandings here and there...then you tickle them.

Randel
2010-07-28, 12:42 PM
He's evil but he's smart enough not to help people more evil than himself if it can be avoided.

Blackguard: All right you bandits, you think you can rob from these villagers and get away with it. If anyone's gonna rob these villagers its me!

Villagers: *gulp* You're gonna rob us?

Blackguard: Huh? Well maybe... but you guys don't have much for me to rob and if I rob you now you'll be too poor to rob later. I'll probably just... charge a high toll on a bridge or something.

Villagers: But we don't have any bridges... there's that huge river over there we have to cross to sell our produce in the city. If we had a bridge then we could make alot more money with our farming.

Underling: Yeah, that's nice. His evilness has better things to do than listen to your sob story. Lets just kill these bandits and get out of here.

Bandits: *gulp*

Blackguard: What? And let the lords of HELL have more slaves?! If anyones gonna have slaves around here it's me! I have a better idea, I'll enslave these bandits to do my dirty work for me like... *thinks about it while rolling his hand a bit*... build a bridge, or something.

Bandits: What?

Blackguard: Yes! That's it, you slaves are going to build a bridge for me your evil master. You villagers will be in charge (and be sure to use those weapons the bandits used to keep them in line) and once you finish the bridge then you pay me the tolls for its use.

Villagers: Yah!

Blackguard: Heh heh heh... so evil!

BobTheDog
2010-07-28, 12:43 PM
That was a genuine method of torture in the middle ages, though. The middle ages were strange - you remove a few finger nails and teeth, a broken arm and a few brandings here and there...then you tickle them.

There is a point where being tickled is no longer funny. That may happen shortly before or after you pee your pants.

Randel
2010-07-28, 01:15 PM
Have him specialize in dealing nonlethal damage (maybe have his primary weapon be merciful though he calls it "a fate worse than death... being still alive but really sore!") that way once he's beaten his enemies he can torture them or use death traps or sell them as slaves. After all, he is an evil mastermind and any mastermind can tell you that you can always kill someone later but its really hard to bring them back to life if you need something.

I've actually always wanted to play in a group of adventurers who instead of killing all their enemies actually do just knock them out and send them somewhere. Like you knock them all out and tie them up and send them off to "Quick-N-Slave" where you get paid money depending on how tough or useful the creature would be.

Morph Bark
2010-07-28, 02:03 PM
Have him specialize in dealing nonlethal damage (maybe have his primary weapon be merciful though he calls it "a fate worse than death... being still alive but really sore!") that way once he's beaten his enemies he can torture them or use death traps or sell them as slaves. After all, he is an evil mastermind and any mastermind can tell you that you can always kill someone later but its really hard to bring them back to life if you need something.

I've actually always wanted to play in a group of adventurers who instead of killing all their enemies actually do just knock them out and send them somewhere. Like you knock them all out and tie them up and send them off to "Quick-N-Slave" where you get paid money depending on how tough or useful the creature would be.

Acquiring a unique weapon that keeps those you "kill" alive but they must obey your orders would be perfect then.

Math_Mage
2010-07-28, 02:23 PM
Blackguard: *holds up a list of wanted criminals* "Fear me! You know these men, that have eluded your grasp? I HAVE ELIMINATED THEM ALL!"
*crowd cheers*
Blackguard: "I said FEAR ME, not CHEER ME! ARGH!"

Classics always work:
"Put him in the comfy chair! Poke him with the soft pillows!
...WHY WON'T YOU TALK?!?!"

Lhurgyof
2010-07-28, 02:25 PM
In an upcoming campaign, we're going to be decidedly lighthearted. With this in mind, I've created the following character:

This blackguard has plans of world domination. He does his best to be evil in everything so that he's constantly working toward that goal... but, unfortunately, he sucks at it. At being evil, I mean. Remember that orphanage down the street that was set to be demolished? This guy set the entire place on fire --which was great! But then he rescued all the orphans inside and brought them safely to the street. He laughed maniacally as they watched their home burn to the ground... Which was going to be burnt to the ground anyway. They were already packed to go to a new orphanage.

Scaring innocents? He's got that down to an art... or so he thinks. To exercise his control over the weak minds of the fearful, he got a necromancer to raise him a whole army of undead... to help out at the soup kitchen for the homeless. Not only did the people learn that this guy's undead minions were going to help them, but the extra hands made the work much more efficient and more homeless were able to be fed. What does this guy think? "Muahahahahahahhhh! Now there will be less people focused on starving and more people focused on fearing me and my undead!"

What does his god think? Doesn't care. This guy can cleave through seven orcs in five seconds, so he's too much of an asset to kick out of the faith. Besides, it's almost adorable (in a sad, pathetic way) how he tries so very hard and believes he's doing so very evil.

My blackguard will join up with the party to help them save the world so that he can take it over.

Thoughts? Discussion?

Also, I need ideas for more ways that he can suck at being evil in every day life.

Make sure to take it to heart when people mispronounce black guard. xD

Math_Mage
2010-07-28, 02:26 PM
Make sure to take it to heart when people mispronounce black guard. xD

Heh.

"Black Guard? No! It's Blaggard, you fool! And I am proud to wear the title!"

Lhurgyof
2010-07-28, 02:42 PM
Heh.

"Black Guard? No! It's Blaggard, you fool! And I am proud to wear the title!"

Haha, yeah. I was thinking of making an NPC villian like that, because the party makes fun of me for pronouncing it right, and stuff like that.

"It's black guard, because they made the greyguard. What's that? A greggard?"

"No, the WotC staff is just dumb."

"Whatever"

Randel
2010-07-28, 02:48 PM
Acquiring a unique weapon that keeps those you "kill" alive but they must obey your orders would be perfect then.

Hmm... maybe he looks down on having undead minions because they are unsanitary and prefers using enchantment, mental domination... or just paying people.



Necromancer: Fools! I am the master of undeath! Fear my undead army.... of zombies!

Blackguard: *ugh!* Thats just... gah. That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, have you no shame?!

Necromancer: So, has my evil given chills to the famous Blackguard?

Blackguard: No! Your hygiene is atrocious! Sheesh, you're even worse than those so called 'heroes' who slog though sewers and bogs who knows what kind of tentacle otherworlds and never bother to bathe or even get soap. And then they go tracking their slimy mucky boots all over my nice dungeon floor without even wiping their feet off on the welcome mat I put out for them!

*Necromanver gives Blackguard an odd look, all the rotting zombies stare slackjawed at the discussion.*

Blackguard: But this?! For the love of all that is evil, do you have no sense of smell? I mean, you're sitting here in this cave or whatever this is... tomb? And you hang out with rotting, maggot infested, dead people... I mean... GAG! I know, I know, there are... certain people out there who have a certain fondness for the dead but come on and get some friggin soap! You're not a master of undeath, you're a sad strange little man in a cave who never cleans his room, talks to corpses who can't burst his little bubble (and never bath themselves I might add), and it looks like you haven't even done your laundry in ages! I sure hope you're not planning on becoming a Lich with that attitude... I've seen what Lichdom does to slobs they turn into slobby, skeletal, cobweb people who's robes are full of more mushrooms and mothholes then a druids underpants!

*blackguard holds his nose and tries to fan the smell away*

Necromancer: Oh yeah?! Well... I have minions! Do you have minions? I have minions that I made with magic!

*Blackguard raises an eyebrow and claps his hands twice. Three hot amazon women in black armor step in out of the shadows, they do wear decent armor though.*

Blackguard: I took the Leadership feat. These girls just follow me around now without me having to do stuff like... you know... waste my life learning "spooky dark magic" in a hole in the ground and blowing money on onyx stones to animate rotting corpses who in life would wouldn't go on a date with me cause I was too busy learning spooky magic in a cave.

*Necromancer just scowls. The zombies stare slackjawed. One of the dark amazons gives Necromancer a cheery wave. Necromancer feels sad that his zombies never do that for him unless he commands them to do it.*

Blackguard: So yeah, how about this? You ditch these rotting corpses over here, wash yourself up, and I'll let you join my list of cohorts. I understand Sarah was just doing this to help pay her way though law school so I'm sure we can have an opening for you soon enough.

Necromancer: *all sad puppy dog eyes* Would you do that for me?

Blackguard: Aww, how can I say no to that? We're all one big happy family (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/EvilIsOneBigHappyFamily), after all.

*Necromancer wants a hug but Blackguard backs away cause of all the filth on Necromancers robes. After a few moments they compromise and Blackguard just gives him a little "mini-hug" and wipes his hands with a handkerchief afterwords."



Later...

Blackguard: What? What do you mean I don't have Dominate Person on my spell list? Why didn't you tell me?!

Perky Female Minon (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PerkyFemaleMinion): I thought we were just role-playing.

JonestheSpy
2010-07-28, 03:24 PM
Sounds like a lot of fun. Just avoid that tropes site - evil imagination sucking stuff.

How about stealing from rich tyrants and distributing the money to the poor - so they can build up successful farms and businesses and have so much more to steal back later!!

Morph Bark
2010-07-28, 03:51 PM
*snip*

Thematic evil full plate: 2000 gp.

Killing the local list of baddies: 4800 XP.

Combining Blackguard with Thrallherd: priceless.

Thieves
2010-07-28, 04:02 PM
he's not quite got the idea right. Such as playing nursery rhymes over and over with Create Sound, in the hope that this will cause them to crack.

If that's what you consider a "you're doing it wrong" for tortures... then once you do "get it right" I doubt there would be a chamber to compete with yours.

Seriously, I'd freak out. I KNOW THAT HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON THE WALL!!!!!!

chiasaur11
2010-07-28, 04:20 PM
Obviously there should be SACRIFICES TO THE DARK GODS!

And you can't sacrifice innocents. Pure souls always have light flowing out of them and the like. Mess up the decor. So really evil folks only, to avoid those problems. Like, death row inmates and stuff.

But how can you know they're evil enough? Well, if they're really evil, in addition to their evil deeds, they'll be willing to die to further the cause of evil. Obviously.

And some god or other takes souls that die in battle, that sounds cool. His god should get in on that. Have the sacrifices fight alongside and stuff.

And if they stop being evil, well, they'll just have to be let go. And if they run, they're cowards, and a cowardly sacrifice is no good.

And essentially it becomes a work release program.

Randel
2010-07-28, 05:11 PM
Hmm, maybe set up his armor so that it has detachable or retractable spikes? Spikes are intimidating but they can be really uncomfortable or awkward when you are lounging around on your evil throne or having dinner or something. So he wears armor but only puts on the spikes when he needs to be intimidating or goes into battle.

Blackguard looks at his opponents and they size him up. He presses a little button on his armor and several dozen spiked blades pop out of his suit like switchblades. Instant bonus to intimidation.


Also, he always drinks his coffee black black as his evil heart! Though he does have a fondness for hot chocolate... that way he can drop a fluffy white marshmallow into his cup and watch it slowly melt away.

Blackguard: Yes, soon my evil plan will be complete and those foolish heroes of good will be gone! Melted away just like this little marshmallow melts away in my cup of hot cocoa! Mwahahaaa! ...wait, it didn't melt all the way. Oh yeah... my cocoa isn't normally hot enough to melt them all the way cause it burns my tongue. *shrugs and drinks the cup along with the marshmellow* Ah yes, those fools are DOOMED! Doomed to either melt away or have their fluffy white sweetness be consumed by the forces of evil.


Later...

Heroes: *Strung up in a death trap* Uh, why are you suspending us over a vat of hot chocolate?

Blackguard: Hey, do you have any idea how expensive it is to get acid in this economy?

Giant Dragon: RAWR!

Blackguard: Oh yeah, also dragons can't drink acid. Be sure to die! Bwahahahaa!

Nero24200
2010-07-28, 06:05 PM
Naturally, when the good guys break into your home, they should be served tea as with the rest of your guests. Just because you're evil doesn't mean you can be rude.

onthetown
2010-07-28, 07:52 PM
His name is now Lethwel Goodbane, Conqueror of Good and All Good Things, Harbinger of Injustice and Cruelty, Sower of the Seeds of Evil, Owner and Proprieter of Lethwel's House of Horrors Orphanage.

His list of misdeeds in his backstory now include:


Burning down the orphanage that was set to be burned down anyway, and rescuing all the children from it so he could force them to watch their home burn to the ground... which they had already been packed up to leave.
Hiring a necromancer to raise an army of undead so he could strike fear into the hearts of the commonfolk... by using the undead at the soup kitchen, which made everything more efficient. But it must have been fearful for the people!
He bought the new orphanage (renaming it to Lethwel's House of Horrors Orphanage) and is "slaving" the children by making them do, collectively, helpful jobs around the community FOR LESS THAN MINIMUM WAGE!
He commonly makes examples of criminals and thieves to try to inspire fear, so everybody loves him.
He goes out of his way to catch said criminals and thieves, making him a great bounty hunter and allowing the policing force to focus on more serious matters.
If the town is threatened by raiders, bandits or the like, he immediately comes to the community's rescue because this is his town to terrorize!


One of my other characters in this upcoming campaign is a Lawful Good Wizard/Beguiler. This is going to be fun. :smallbiggrin:

Also, he doesn't tip at restaurants. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHH!

dextercorvia
2010-07-28, 08:07 PM
Harbringer of Injustice and Cruelty,

I think you mean Harbinger. /nitpick

onthetown
2010-07-28, 08:13 PM
That I do. Thanks.

Update: He has now won the Outstanding Citizen Award from the mayor of his community and has been given a key to the city. He plans to use his newfound power to sneak into the animal shelter and free all of the stray cats (which will inadvertently solve a rodent overpopulation in the town). He also bought some candy that he gave to babies so that he could steal it later, but he then realized it would be more evil to let them get cavities.

Arakune
2010-07-28, 09:39 PM
Also, he doesn't tip at restaurants. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHH!

You MONSTER! YOU MANIAC!

The forces of good will make you pay! And stop all of your evilness, even if they need to burn the whole world and kill every single living creature in the process!

onthetown
2010-07-28, 09:43 PM
You MONSTER! YOU MANIAC!

The forces of good will make you pay! And stop all of your evilness, even if they need to burn the whole world and kill every single living creature in the process!

You'll never catch me! I'm out the door before the waiter even takes a look at the table! HAHAH!

Rockphed
2010-07-28, 09:55 PM
That is one of the most awesome characters ever.

Also, remember that most of the world is ruled by evil tyrants, so he could probably conquer lots of land just by replacing the current overlords with himself. He would come in, kill the evil overlord(because he is the most dangerous person in town), demand the keys to the city in front of cheering crowds, probably lower taxes, and then leave a small garrison of troops(mostly composed of the previous overlords soldiers but with a couple officers from his own army thrown in to ensure that nobody gets any ideas. Also, to keep the guards from mucking up business and lowering property taxes or making the people's lives miserable. After all, a happy populace is much easier to keep "oppressed") Then he moves on to the next town.

Ranos
2010-07-28, 10:02 PM
Hm, what your PC needs is an equally incompetent paladin nemesis who is truly outraged by his acts of maniacal evil, being kind of on the same wavelength. He's going on a vigilante crusade against the PC to expose his true intentions.

Of course, nobody ever believes him when he says that the harmless guy next door is an evil genius. And in the process of trying to prove it, he'll inadvertently causes catastrophes the PC could never hope to achieve.

Grommen
2010-07-28, 10:19 PM
And maybe, while he's got the idea behind torturing prisoners, he's not quite got the idea right. Such as playing nursery rhymes over and over with Create Sound, in the hope that this will cause them to crack.

Dude...I would totally cave in under a day. That is worse than water boarding. Holey crap!

Randel
2010-07-28, 11:03 PM
also:

1. Any evil person he comes into contact with shall be given a chance to join his side (the winning side!) assuming they are willing to abide by his rules. Also, any good person he comes across will be given a chance to join his side where they will doubtlessly become corrupted by his own brand of evil!

2. He has big walls and traps set up around his towns and cities to keep his people from escaping and has funds to make sure all the buildings are sturdy and have bars on the windows and locks on the doors in case they ever have to be used as prisons (not his fault if people make the locks so they can be opened from the inside). This has the side effect of making all the towns and houses much more secure.

3. He establishes the Evil Scouts (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boy_Scouts_of_America) where children get to learn all sorts of things like archery, farming, sewing, smelting, or other tasks and get Unmerited Badges they can work for (unless they know how to cheat enough to fool the Scoutmaster). That way when they grow up they can become elite members of his Evil Army or at least would make great workers for his empire! This gives the children in his lands all sorts of opportunities they wouldn't have otherwise.

4. Along with the Evil Scouts, has militias and such set up and hands out clothing (with his insignia on it) to people who need clothes. Women can have their clothing fitted to flatter their figures as much as possible. Also, regular marches, fairs, and special events to keep everyone fit and in shape so they can join the army or at least look good in their spiffy new clothes. If farmers can't make it due to tending their crops then people are sent to help out with the harvest.

5. Universal Health care made possible by magic healing traps (cause its SUPER EVIL!).

6. Oh, and he also allows gambling, drinking, and other stuff as long as the people involved know who's in charge and he has percentages of the profits to help maintain his Empire.

7. Criminals are often captured alive so they may be brought to trial (more demand for lawyers! EEVIL!) and then put into slavery (community service) and re-educated to become productive cogs of the Imperial Machine!


The forces of good however:

1). Kill anyone who registers non-good from their Detect Evil then and their despite circumstances.

2). Yell "Tear down this wall!" at every opportunity to keep the cities from being divided... despite any monsters or criminals in the area.

3). Insist that children must enjoy their childhood and play and beware of strangers (remember, if you see anyone you haven't met before then THEY ARE EVIL! RUN FROM STRANGERS CAUSE THEY MIGHT KIDNAP YOU AND SACRIFICE YOU TO MONSTER GODS TO DESTROY THE WORLD WITH DEEEEMONS!) and making children do chores or do community service is CHILD LABOR!

4). Having women wear flattering outfits begets sin! Also, if you give clean clothes to homeless people and put them in your work house then you'll never know if they were homeless or not!

5). Healing magic should be used only by those people who grabbed the town cleric with them to keep them healthy when they were out invading goblin tribes and 'liberating' treasure from dungeons and ancient ruins. That, or people rich enough to afford the outrageous prices needed to buy up all the healing potions and scrolls and wands in town (with their comically huge piles of gold and treasure they liberated from "evil people").

6). Gambling and drinking is wrong unless halflings or dwarves do it cause that's part of their culture. Its doubly wrong if orcs and goblins do it cuz they are evil!

7). All criminals or evil people are killed on sight. Also, lawyers are evil and should be killed on sight... anyone who asks how fair trials could occur must be and evil lawyer who is planning to commit crimes (and therefor should be killed on sight)!

JonestheSpy
2010-07-29, 12:49 AM
This is really too fun.

Howzabout a menagerie of captured bloodthirsty monsters, and keeping them on a strict vegetarian diet so they'll be really hungry on that eventual day when he throws his nemesis to them...

chiasaur11
2010-07-29, 02:25 AM
This is really too fun.

Howzabout a menagerie of captured bloodthirsty monsters, and keeping them on a strict vegetarian diet so they'll be really hungry on that eventual day when he throws his nemesis to them...

And give them harmless names...

So no-one will expect what's coming!

RE:Insanity
2010-07-29, 02:43 AM
I shall destroy you a-*ding!*- TEA TIME!

He names himself Tinky so that he can prove he's so evil he slaughter speople while proclaiming his name is Tinky or something like that.

He doesn't hire orcs and golbins because they have bad hygiene. Doesn't hire dragons and the like because they scare people so much they don't pay attention to him.
No, wait! Wears a tutu so that people WILL pay attention to him and his evilness!

Zaq
2010-07-29, 02:46 AM
In my 4e game, we have a character who is pretty much exactly this. She he it they (I'm allowed to do that. I know why I'm doing it. The character is a shardmind who doesn't get how gender works.) don't understand that they're not evil... nor do they understand that they're telepathic, so we get to hear their internal monologues. Everything they do is part of an eeeeeeevil plan. The archetypical example is this character delivering the monologue:

Shardmind: "Of course, those fools don't understand that soon I will restore the Living Gate, driving the Far Realm back forever! Mwahahaha!"
Rest of party: "Huh, that seems like a pretty worthy cause. Yeah, we'll help."
Shardmind: "Eeeeeexcellent! My minions have no idea what I'm plotting and will go along with my every whim!"

(If you don't follow 4e fluff, the Living Gate existed, is now broken, and this is a problem. 'Nuff said.)

So yeah, no matter what you're doing, make sure to deliver a huge monologue about how it's part of your eeeeeevil plan. Not necessarily that you're trying to do evil and failing. Just that everything you do is clearly eeeeevil. Make sure you self-narrate a lot, and add maniacal laughter.

Gan The Grey
2010-07-29, 09:07 AM
Actually, instead of NOT tipping, your black guard should overtip, because he knows that all that extra wealth will eventually corrupt the wait staff. MWAHAHAHAH!!!!

Tiki Snakes
2010-07-29, 09:38 AM
Actually, instead of NOT tipping, your black guard should overtip, because he knows that all that extra wealth will eventually corrupt the wait staff. MWAHAHAHAH!!!!

"By consistently over-tipping, I re-adjust the expectations of all Wait staff in the city! My devious plan is foolproof, for the population is forced to attempt to keep up with my sinister overtipping. When they inevitably fail they shall crush the Wait staff with sour dissapointment!
From now and to eternity, all other tips shall turn to bitter ashes in their mouth!

So, yes, Keep the change. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Cyrion
2010-07-29, 09:40 AM
For some reason, this guy is starting to remind me of Zorro, the Gay Blade.

For those who have yet to encounter this film:

The real zorro (George Hamilton) injures his ankle in an escape. To cover for him while he heals, he enlists his cousin, Bunny Wigglesworth, an officer in the British navy (also played by George Hamilton) to sub for him. Bunny thinks that Zorro's mission is a noble one and agrees to help, but on the condition that the costume get just a bit more color. Every time the new Zorro appears it's in a different color costume. Oh, yeah, and don't forget the whip.

Trasilor
2010-07-29, 09:42 AM
also:

1. Any evil person he comes into contact with shall be given a chance to join his side (the winning side!) assuming they are willing to abide by his rules. Also, any good person he comes across will be given a chance to join his side where they will doubtlessly become corrupted by his own brand of evil!

2. He has big walls and traps set up around his towns and cities to keep his people from escaping and has funds to make sure all the buildings are sturdy and have bars on the windows and locks on the doors in case they ever have to be used as prisons (not his fault if people make the locks so they can be opened from the inside). This has the side effect of making all the towns and houses much more secure.

3. He establishes the Evil Scouts (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boy_Scouts_of_America) where children get to learn all sorts of things like archery, farming, sewing, smelting, or other tasks and get Unmerited Badges they can work for (unless they know how to cheat enough to fool the Scoutmaster). That way when they grow up they can become elite members of his Evil Army or at least would make great workers for his empire! This gives the children in his lands all sorts of opportunities they wouldn't have otherwise.

4. Along with the Evil Scouts, has militias and such set up and hands out clothing (with his insignia on it) to people who need clothes. Women can have their clothing fitted to flatter their figures as much as possible. Also, regular marches, fairs, and special events to keep everyone fit and in shape so they can join the army or at least look good in their spiffy new clothes. If farmers can't make it due to tending their crops then people are sent to help out with the harvest.

5. Universal Health care made possible by magic healing traps (cause its SUPER EVIL!).

6. Oh, and he also allows gambling, drinking, and other stuff as long as the people involved know who's in charge and he has percentages of the profits to help maintain his Empire.

7. Criminals are often captured alive so they may be brought to trial (more demand for lawyers! EEVIL!) and then put into slavery (community service) and re-educated to become productive cogs of the Imperial Machine!

*snip*

Don't forget to add free education to populus because an educated population will know how evil he is and thus will fear him more. And, as a bonus, homework is eeeevil - but not on weekends or or over holidays b/c that is when the people need to rest and prepare for his evilness, MUHAHAHAHAHAHA

JonestheSpy
2010-07-29, 01:19 PM
There is a point where being tickled is no longer funny. That may happen shortly before or after you pee your pants.

Well, peeing in one's pants would be unhygenic - so it's the BEING POKED WITH SOFT PILLOWS! And then being forced to sit in the COMFY CHAIR until LUNCHTIME, with nothing but COFFEE AT 11! (Although I suppose they'd have to allowed to use the loo after the coffee, because of the hygiene thing).

Black coffee! Made from only the most expensive beans from Jamaica! Because stronger coffee is more eevill!

Sorry, after rereading this thread I couldn't resist (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSe38dzJYkY).