Am I too good?

[Faleldir]

I've spent my entire life relying on the kindness of others, and because I have no useful skills to give anything back, I always feel guilty about it. I'm also totally incapable of sensing motives. So whenever someone asks me personally for a favor, I accept it without thinking.

Today a stranger told me he hadn't eaten in two days and asked me to buy a bag of chips for him. I didn't care enough about that small amount of money to argue over it, and at least I knew he wasn't spending it on drugs. It was no big deal. Now I realize that if he were really that hungry, he wouldn't want chips. I have been exploited by a terrible liar due to my desperate misplaced desire to do good.

I want to believe that most people who ask for help actually need it. Is that so wrong?

[Spiryt]

I'm not sure what you mean by "small amount" of money, but since homeless etc. people can really have somehow screwed appetites, or they don't feel like asking for something more "substantial" - it's certainly somehow possible that he really needed it.

Personally, I give small amounts of money to the homeless when they seem amusing and nice in the way of asking for it.

When some lame, bearded, tiny oldman approached me, saying "Please don't be afraid, me be Lame Franz, don't you have spare 50gr, perhaps"... He get it, of course. :smallbiggrin:

[Pyrian]

? If the worst thing you've done is buy a bag of chips for someone, I don't think you've got anything to worry about. :smallbiggrin:

[Mathis]

As long as you have the funds and are not diving headfirst into debt for helping people there is nothing wrong in believing that. Though people tend to split into two different sides on this matter. One side believes you should always help the ones in need or beggars asking you for change on the street, while the other thinks you're doing some of these people what in german is called a "Bärendienst" directly translated into a Bear service.

This word comes from an old folktale where a bear who wanted to help his friend, who had a fly annoying him on his forehead, picked up a stone and threw it at the fly and killed it. Ofcourse, the stone also cracked open the bears friends skull and killed him. So in essence for explanations sake, a "Bärendienst" or whatever you call it in English is a deed comitted in good faith that in actuality does more wrong than it does good. Further explanation is that some people think that in giving beggars money, you're not fixing anything, you're helping them stay in their current situation. You are providing them with an exscuse to not improve their situation. Ofcourse, none of this can be put into good use when you start looking at all the terrible individual cases out there.

[Ichneumon]

I don't think you can be "too good", by definition. When something is too much, it, by definition, isn't good.

If you'd be asking whether or not you're to easily to trust people for their word, the answer might be yes. Although I personally have very much the same. Yes, if you trust people easily, you'll get exploited, but there are also very much adventages in social situations from being seen as "the honest and good guy". I'd say you're good.:smallbiggrin:

[Tengu_temp]

There's nothing wrong with charity. If anything, you should be wary of people you know, but not know well enough to call them friends - they might abuse your kindness once they learn you always do favours to people who ask about them.

[Serpentine]

Figjam! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyzrKPcLpBw)

Maybe could've bought him a proper meal, 'sabout it.

[Telonius]

I've spent my entire life relying on the kindness of others, and because I have no useful skills to give anything back, I always feel guilty about it. I'm also totally incapable of sensing motives. So whenever someone asks me personally for a favor, I accept it without thinking.

Today a stranger told me he hadn't eaten in two days and asked me to buy a bag of chips for him. I didn't care enough about that small amount of money to argue over it, and at least I knew he wasn't spending it on drugs. It was no big deal. Now I realize that if he were really that hungry, he wouldn't want chips. I have been exploited by a terrible liar due to my desperate misplaced desire to do good.

I want to believe that most people who ask for help actually need it. Is that so wrong?

IMO - most people who ask for help actually do need help. Not all of them need the sort of help they're asking for.

Most of the time, when you're dealing with a really big problem like poverty, there are at least two levels of help. First is the immediate. If somebody's starving, then yes, they need to be fed. If it's -15 degrees out, they need a roof over their head. Taking care of that immediate, emergency need is a good deed.

The second level is long-term. Why is it that this person is in the situation to begin with? How is it that they don't have food, or clothing, or shelter? This level of the problem is a lot harder to even define, let alone do anything about. (And most proposed solutions rapidly edge into political territory).

[Keld Denar]

Personally, I give small amounts of money to the homeless when they seem amusing and nice in the way of asking for it.

Best homeless sign I've ever seen said "Help, wife and kids kidnaped by ninjas. Need money for karate lessons."

Runner up was a guy with a sign that said "Need money for drugs and sex." We're all thinking it, at least he's honest!

[KuReshtin]

... asked me to buy a bag of chips for him.

Chips as in the UK definition of chips (thick cut french fries) or the US definition (as in Pringles and the like)?

I'd say that his asking for something to eat instead of just money would indicate that he's not just begging for money to get drink or drugs, and that's a good thing.
I'd be more inclined to buy someone a sandwich or a meal than I would be to give them the equivalent value in cash.

[MountainKing]

I've spent my entire life relying on the kindness of others, and because I have no useful skills to give anything back, I always feel guilty about it. I'm also totally incapable of sensing motives. So whenever someone asks me personally for a favor, I accept it without thinking.

Today a stranger told me he hadn't eaten in two days and asked me to buy a bag of chips for him. I didn't care enough about that small amount of money to argue over it, and at least I knew he wasn't spending it on drugs. It was no big deal. Now I realize that if he were really that hungry, he wouldn't want chips. I have been exploited by a terrible liar due to my desperate misplaced desire to do good.

I want to believe that most people who ask for help actually need it. Is that so wrong?

End up losing your job and getting evicted from your apartment, while having a bunch of your stuff broken or stolen to boot. THEN, worry about questioning whether or not you're "too good".

[aberratio ictus]

No, it is not.

Some time ago, when I was visiting a friend in a foreign city, a lady approached me in a parking lot and told me she had run out of gas and had forgotten her purse at home. She asked for some money so she could fetch her daughter from the airport; of course, she would return the money as soon as possible.
Now, I like to think to have a couple more ranks in sense motive than you seem to be willing to grant yourself, and she seemed honest to me. Moreover, she was nicely clothed, so she quite likely didn't want to buy drugs or something similar.
Not surprisingly, I never saw that money again, even though she wrote down my phone number. Maybe she tricked me, maybe she didn't, maybe she was just too embarrassed to phone me for such a little amount. Heck, the only reason why I gave her my phone number instead of writing down hers was because I would have been too embarrassed to phone her myself.

It doesn't matter how many ranks you have in sense motive, there will always be situations where you just can't be sure - sadly, those situations will often be the ones where people would need your help the most if their stories were actually true.

Obviously, you consider yourself to be good. That's not a very popular confession these days, but the world badly needs people who are.

Consider this: If you show kindness to three people, and in fact, only one needed it, wasn't it worth it?

Of course, don't be self-destructive about it.

[Mando Knight]

Figjam! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyzrKPcLpBw)

I can't be the only one who thought that you meant a fig jam when you said that, can I?

...And no, Faleldir. You're not "too" good. You might be a touch naïve, but that's not an indication of being "too good," regardless of how many bad guys tell you otherwise (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/GoodIsDumb).

[Weimann]

It's not too good to buy a bag of chips for someone, no.

If you then believe that you've been cheated, that's another discussion. It might be that he had actually eaten these recent days, but he still might not have the money to buy a bag of chips. And he might really, really want chips.

If he doesn't have the money to buy a bag of chips, then it's not "too good" to buy him a bag of chips.

[mangosta71]

I remember walking through the streets in Santiago one night, and a guy asked for money to buy food. Instead of that, I went to the nearest almacén (there's pretty much one on every corner, I have no idea how they all stay in business) and bought him a sandwich. Few minutes later, I passed by going the other way and saw the guy trying to trade the sandwich for booze. Shook my head, walked past, and never tried to do anything nice for a beggar again.

[RandomNPC]

they did a study about how much beggars make in a year. I'll tell you what, I'm tempted to quit my job and start begging, as the average beggar in the nearest big city around here makes $60,000 a year.

[Xyk]

Shook my head, walked past, and never tried to do anything nice for a beggar again.

There you* go again, treating everyone of a group the same. That's as bad a racism.

That particular beggar was a drunk, but not all beggars are.


*The general "you", not you in particular.

[ForzaFiori]

they did a study about how much beggars make in a year. I'll tell you what, I'm tempted to quit my job and start begging, as the average beggar in the nearest big city around here makes $60,000 a year.

And it's all tax free, which makes it even better.

[Kaiser Omnik]

To the OP: No, you are not too good, although learning to say no is a very valuable thing. But in this case, worst case scenario, he tried to trade your chips for booze. If not, though, you just helped a fellow man feel better.


they did a study about how much beggars make in a year. I'll tell you what, I'm tempted to quit my job and start begging, as the average beggar in the nearest big city around here makes $60,000 a year.

I knew all those beggars diying from freezing, starvation or disease each day in the world were just a lie!

And that's why there are still beggars everywhere. It's because it's the best job in the world. Should have known...

Generalizations and obviously non-scientific studies are fun!

[Temotei]

One of my friends keeps saying I'm too nice/good (depending on the day). Of course, she doesn't really complain so much as look at me and say something along the lines of, "You're too nice," to which I reply, "Poppycock" or "Poop."

There's really no such thing as being too nice or too good. Now, if it's too good to be true, that's a different story.

[purple gelatinous cube o' Doom]

I think that a person can be too nice/good/trusting what have you to a fault and I have seen it happen first hand. I had a friend in college that was like the OP, he felt that he had help everyone, and always had to do something for someone. Whether that was money, time, help in doing something whatever. He eventually met a few people that once they discovered this about him, completely took advantage of that fact and him. Many of the other friends around him tried to tell him to be wary of this person, but he wouldn't listen. These incidents ended up culminating, and literally ruined his life for about two or three years. So much so that he dropped out of college, and moved. So you do really have to be aware of what people are asking you do to and why sometimes.

As for giving homeless (or anyone else who asks) for money for something to eat, I make it a point to never ever give them money, as it's most likely going to booze or drugs. I've seen people take money on that pretext, turn around in front of the person that handed them the money, and walk straight into a liquor store. Now, I have no issues whatsoever actually going and buying them a sandwich, bag of chips or whatever if they want. I have personally found that this is the best way to deal with it, as if they accept the offer of the actual food from you then that's what they're after. But if they decline you clearly know food is not what they have in mind.

[mucat]

What's the worst-case result of what you did, Faledir? Someone got a bag of chips they didn't deserve. (Whatever it means to "not deserve" something as trivial as a bag of chips; he'd have to fall pretty low on the totem pole of dignity for that to be the case.)

Best case possibility: you helped someone who actually needed and appreciated the help.

I don't see much downside. Not that I stop to buy food for everyone who asks -- I can't always spare the time, and I have the right to get my own stuff done too -- but I can't imagine feeling bad about it when you do help them out.

[Serpentine]

Something that might be a real quote, or just a paraphrase of the legal system one: "It is better for a thousand people to get more than they need, than for one to get less."
Advice from my mother: "Give as much as you can afford, but no more, or you'll be the one needing help and that defeats the purpose."

I once bought a big breakfast for a woman in Sydney Central train station. She kept talking about how she needed money for her medicine (I think she, like all too many other homeless people, had some sort of mental disability), but I was only a poor student going back to uni and couldn't afford to give her any more and didn't want to pay for anything I couldn't buy for her myself. That's not bad, right? :smallfrown:

edit: Incidentally, a recent survey found that my town has only two homeless people. Is it just me, or does it seem like at that point you should really have zero? :smallconfused: But I guess they could be the couch-surfing type of homeless - a guy I know was until very recently - which I think could be tricky to spot and to fix. Though there is the guy in the park...

[Douglas]

Best homeless sign I've ever seen said "Help, wife and kids kidnaped by ninjas. Need money for karate lessons."
:smallamused: I'd give that one something just for the laugh.

[SDF]

You know what I think?

http://img717.imageshack.us/img717/7513/001mru.jpg

:smalltongue:

[Thajocoth]

At least you're not giving out your checking information over the phone because the caller called too early in the morning for you to think straight (10AM), costing you a few hundred dollars in scam before getting very little of it back and ultimately having to open an entirely new checking account to replace the first.

[Doctor Acula]

When I first read this thread title I thought it was meant as "Am I too awesome?" and then I read the actual thread...my snark spree was killed before it began

[UglyPanda]

A bag of chips is nothing.

If you're worrying about being too good of a person from such a small act of kindness, you're probably not good enough of a person.

Me, I know I'm an ass and am perfectly fine with it.

[shadowxknight]

Recently I read an article of a women lending a homeless guy her credit card.

What you did was kind, but compared to that it's not too good.

[CrimsonAngel]

A bag of chips is nothing.

If you're worrying about being too good of a person from such a small act of kindness, you're probably not good enough of a person.

Me, I know I'm an ass and am perfectly fine with it.

I'm an ass and i'm not fine with it. :smallyuk:

[waterpenguin43]

I'm an ass and i'm not fine with it. :smallyuk:

I'm a demi-ass (Tsundere or something) and disgruntled with it.

[Raistlin1040]

Best homeless sign I've ever seen said "Help, wife and kids kidnaped by ninjas. Need money for karate lessons."

Runner up was a guy with a sign that said "Need money for drugs and sex." We're all thinking it, at least he's honest!
You're from Seattle, according to your location, so was that by Qwest Field, by any chance? There's a guy who I've seen there twice who had signs that read "Voldemort killed my parents. Need money for spell books" and "Ninjas killed my kittens. Need money for kung-fu lessons".

[Vorpalbob]

I generally will toss over my pocket change to people with clever signs, and only once did I see the guy go directly over to the dealer (in front of the library in which my father works, there is a swinging drug market. Across the intersection is a police station :smallconfused:). My worst experience is a old Native woman in a wheelchair at a bus stop who asked for spare change. I said, "Sorry, I can't spare any."(which was true. I had barely enough for bus fare home). She said, "You were probably told to say that." I said "believe what you will," showed her my bus fare, and walked past her onto the bus.

The funny thing is, she wasn't entirely wrong. I have never been told by a parent not to give money to beggars (in fact they often give me money to do so). However, I have Aspbergers syndrome, basically Autism Lite(TM) which makes it difficult for me to have impromptu conversations with strangers. To help with this, I memorize a bunch of phrases for situations that may arise. One of these phrases is "sorry, I can't spare any". :smalltongue:

[Anteros]

A bag of chips is nothing.

If you're worrying about being too good of a person from such a small act of kindness, you're probably not good enough of a person.

Me, I know I'm an ass and am perfectly fine with it.

I was thinking this, but I didn't want to say it...

[The Succubus]

It was actually a book by Ben Elton that changed my view on a lot of this stuff. It's called High Society and it follows the story of a teen idol as he experiences both ends of the drug trade and what it's like to be on the street.

My personal take on it is - "life has been pretty good to me lately, there's no harm in making it slightly better for someone else" and "if I were in that position, I'd want someone to help me".

What other reasons do you need?