So I'm never talking to my mom again.

[Lillith]

Sorry if this is the wrong section but I'm so angry right now, I really need to rant about it.

Here's the deal, where I live there's only one anime/manga convention that I can go to a year. But due to some mishaps in the past I haven't been able to go in the last 3 years. Usually this convention is in October and you could buy cards at the door.

Now during my vacation in the US, I didn't have a lot of time to check internet sites and the like, so I called my mom if she could check out for me when the con was and if I can still pay at the door or have to order tickets. She did and told me it was in August all of a sudden and since it started as soon as I got home on a Friday, me having to work on a Saturday, I told her I wanted to go on a Sunday. She was all against that, because we have a family gathering on that Sunday, that nobody told me about. Then she stated that tickets could be paid at the door. Me being happy with the information went to focus on getting a costume for the event.

Now just now I look up the site again to check where the tickets are being sold. Guess what? 'Tickets can only be gotten by pre-ordering'. It says so very clear on the site. I call my mom, 'oh sorry I must have misread.' What? You -misread-? You can't misread this! She actually lied to me this time.

Yes, I totally should have checked the website more closely myself, but I was enjoying my vacation and why would I assume my mom lying to me? I'm really, really angry at myself for being so docile in the situation and should have just made clear from the start I wasn't planning on going to the family gathering. I'm angry at myself for not checking things myself and letting other people take care of it, I should have checked well in advance about the dates and tickets, but I TRUST my mom! I just can't get over the fact that my mom would stoop so low as she did to stop me from going. So now I got a sabotaging mom, a lot of money wasted on a costume and I can't even go? While my mom is trying to convince me I might as well to the family gathering anyways?

Also for those who don't know. My mom can be kind of pushy, she wants things her way. I always get into a major argument whenever our opinions don't match. But I never thought she'd do this. I don't believe for a single second she actually 'misread' this. I don't believe it. She knows how much I was looking forward to finally going again. I'm really pissed at both her and me right now. ><

Anyways, completely ignore this or delete the thread. I just needed to get this off my chest.

[littlebottom]

the way i see it, is that she might of lied to you, but because to parents they often believe family comes first (which it should)

in many ways i can see it from both sides, but ultimately if your mother didnt want you to go, she should of said that because of the timeing of it she would rather you didnt go this year. not just lie. so you are rightly angry, but you should still go to this family meeting, dont act rude or angry towards your mother untill after the meeting atleast, just make it very clear that you dont trust her for lying to you, and that next year the convention takes priority since you will have not been for 4 years, so find out AS SOOON AS POSSIBLE when it is, and put a date or dates down that you are not going to be changed from. those are the dates you are going fullstop.

i dont think anything major can be done about this except making it painfully clear that you hate the fact she lied, and would rather she just told the truth no matter what. i cant help any more than that im afraid.:smallfrown: good luck anyway.

[Quincunx]

She reads here, you know.

[Moff Chumley]

All I can offer are my deepest consolations. There are no situations, ever, where it's okay to manipulate people because you think you know better than they do. :smallannoyed:

[hustlertwo]

So are you literally never going to speak to your mother again because she made you miss a con, or is that just a figurative expression of your rage at the moment?

[CrimsonAngel]

She reads here, you know.

Are you her mom, or are you warning her?

Because that dosen't seem like something you would do.

[Marnath]

Kinda sounds to me like you shouldn't trust your mom to do anything important for you anymore. If you're old enough to go on vacation alone you're more than old enough to have the right to turn down a family gathering, let alone one you didn't know about. Lying to someone so they miss a thing they wanted to go to just to get your own way is no way to treat a person, it seems like.

Still, you should wait until you are calmer to decide whether or not you want to cut off contact with your mom, as that is difficult to undo.

[xPANCAKEx]

ITT: over-reaction to parents meddling

just talk to her like an adult. keep calm. dont raise your voice. tell her what she did wasnt cool and if she REALLY wanted you to not go to the con and spend time with the family then she should have said so directly, let you make your own choice and get on with it. Your non-attendance (and any consiquences) would reflect on you, not her

yes, you should be able to trust her, but thats something to discuss. If she gets all "well i know whats right", dont raise your voice, remain calm and say "talk to me when you're willing to be reasonable", walk away and leave it be

saying "im never going to talk to her again" is a bit of an over reaction

[Mystic Muse]

ITT: over-reaction to parents meddling

just talk to her like an adult. keep calm. dont raise your voice. tell her what she did wasnt cool and if she REALLY wanted you to not go to the con and spend time with the family then she should have said so directly, let you make your own choice and get on with it. Your non-attendance (and any consiquences) would reflect on you, not her

yes, you should be able to trust her, but thats something to discuss. If she gets all "well i know whats right", dont raise your voice, remain calm and say "talk to me when you're willing to be reasonable", walk away and leave it be

saying "im never going to talk to her again" is a bit of an over reaction

I'm assuming (hoping) that "never talking to her again" is an exaggeration.

[Tonal Architect]

I think you should deal with this in a political way; you'll be sending the wrong message by attending the gathering, so I think you should skip it. Also, I'd suggest trying to act lukewarm to her for a while, let her try to make it up to you, somehow. But don't step back on not attending the gathering.

But think this over. While giving her the cold shoulder for a while is the least she was asking for, and you should take a stance to let her know that lying to you is not acceptable behaviour, cutting all ties does sound as rather grave. I don't think you meant it literally, though.

[Knaight]

I think you should deal with this in a political way; you'll be sending the wrong message by attending the gathering, so I think you should skip it.

The message that sends to everyone else at the gathering should probably be taken into consideration. And really, this could be an honest mistake.

[Lycan 01]

My best friend's mom doesn't want him getting a driver's license. She's never taught him to drive, for fear he'll "grow up" and leave her. He has no real friends or immediate friendly to teach him, aside from a good friend named "Jake" for this story.

Well, Jake gave my best friend a driving lesson, and it went rather well. A few days later, he was going to give him another one. When he called, best friend's mom answered the phone. She went to see if best friend was awake, and best friend told her to tell him he'd be up and ready in a few minutes. She then tells Jake that best friend is sick, and won't be able to go driving today. Jake heard best friend in the background...

Then a week or so later, his mom forbade Jake from coming over and/or giving best friend driving lessons. :smalleek:

[Lillith]

I'm assuming (hoping) that "never talking to her again" is an exaggeration.

Yeah it is. After a night of sleep I´ve cooled down a bit. It´s just another thing that went wrong in a timespan of under 48 hours. Which is not something you want to hear if you just get back home from a vacation. Don´t worry I´m not going to ´never´ talk to her again, but really this situation did hurt me.

I disagree in the still going thing though. My mom has been trying to get me to do things she wants for a long time. I can´t help but feeling that she took revenge on me because I decided to stay on vacation a week longer, while she didn´t really want me to go to begin with. But I´m not a mind reader. Maybe she did make a mistake, but past behavior and that the site was pretty clear, I just don´t really know anymore. I´m not good with handling a lot of stress and I guess this one just tipped a scale yesterday.

Edit: Yeah sorry about your friend too.

[Moff Chumley]

snip

:smalleek: Wow. That sucks pretty bad for your friend...

[thubby]

you can't trust some people, and parents are, unfortunately, people.

[Cheetah109]

Not going to the gathering is the right decision for you. Because it is YOUR decision. And the anger does not seem misplaced, to me. If somebody I trusted lied to me/manipulated me I would be pretty ticked off as well. And blatantly pushing her agenda does not earn your mom brownie points in my book.

It's good that you've calmed down a bit. My suggestion is to take your time and come up with a few good reasons that your mom should trust you to make your own decisions. Then let her know that you are an individual and an adult, and would appreciate being treated as such. Discussion is the key to progress. And if you get fired up, excuse yourself and bring up the topic again later. If you approach the situation with a level head, I'm sure you'll work it out.

Best of luck! :smallwink:

[Quincunx]

Are you her mom, or are you warning her?

Because that dosen't seem like something you would do.

Warning, good man. Warning. It has happened before that an Internet announcement found its way back to the mother without the daughter's intervention. Good thing against suicide declarations and abuse. Bad thing against normal family drama.

At least on this point Lilith's life and mine are diverging. For goodness' sake, I may as well give her the script. :smallannoyed:

[742]

if your that pissed, are you really going to have fun at a family gathering?

i have family like this and there are a few ways to deal with it that arent instantly lethal:
sever ties, cut all contact. maybe move to a secluded house in a third world country with trees blocking any sattelites that might be watching and buy a new identity+face; repeat a few times in different countries just to be sure. even the first bit sounds slightly extreme if she doesnt usually go this far, but if this is a common thing its probably the the least horrible option open to you. you will be spun as a monster, but anyone still dealing with that sort of thing should be considered a casualty anyway. take this sunday as an opportunity to get contact information for relatives you would miss but can currently only contact through her, but it would be better to end

be open and honest; its risky and it can hurt you very very badly if you misjudge it, and if its your mother you should seek a knowledgeable unbiased opinion. if this goes badly you should look back at option number 1, just remember that sattelites in geosynchronous orbit will be to your north when your in the southern hemisphere. also get a good shrink lined up; you will need it.

play the game, play it better, and play dirty: this is not the nice option or the easy option. taking this option will tear you up inside unless your a horrible person, but show that you are formidable and not to be ****ed with: ruin reputations, expose her lies, spread negative sentiments and always maintain plausible deniability or cast yourself as the victim to make sure you come off smelling like an artificial rose scented room-freshener; essentially act light your going to high school in 1970's moscow. a family function is the perfect time to make your move here if youve got a plan. if you plan to do this then part ways if it doesnt work, make sure to part on a more sympathetic note. something about a pet or romance that shes disrupted.

play the game, but play defensively; your mostly doing damage control here. double check any information, never trust a word she says and verify with a third party, listen very carefully for tones, information that doesnt fit ect. be careful about distributing the truth about what you like or dislike, who your dating, or even where you live to anyone who could possibly tell her. this probably takes all the value out of the relationship, its stressful time consuming and unfun. dont do this unless you have to.

[Force]

I think you should deal with this in a political way; you'll be sending the wrong message by attending the gathering, so I think you should skip it. Also, I'd suggest trying to act lukewarm to her for a while, let her try to make it up to you, somehow. But don't step back on not attending the gathering.


Does everybody else in the family deserve this because of Lilith's mother's issues? Even if not, there are better ways to play the political game. For example, go to the gathering but use your own transportation. This is especially effective if the gathering is some distance away. Once you're there, avoid your mom and steer the conversation away from her. If she brought food, don't eat it. If you don't know which food is hers, ask, then immediately pick something else. Stuff like that, if you want to send the message that you're pissed at your mother, is more effective than punishing everybody by not showing up.

[Sneak]

Try, oh, I dunno, talking to your mom. If you want her to know you're mad, tell her.

Anyway, it sounds to me like your mom could have legitimately misread the website, but I guess I don't know either her or you.

Also, no offense, but I kind of agree with her that you might as well go to the family gathering at this point. You can be mad at your mother without sulking and refusing to see the rest of your family.

EDIT: And personally, I wouldn't recommend petty "justice" like not eating your mom's food. She probably won't even notice, and it's better to just tell her you're mad outright. Otherwise, even if she notices that you're angry, she may not know what for.

[thubby]

of course, going means she gets what she wants by lying to the OP.
if she did go to the con then she wouldn't be at this party anyway. not going is actually the option that means not changing plans.

personally, I would give her the chance to apologize. if she does, go. if she doesn't, don't.

[KenderWizard]

As some other people have said, I advise talking to your mom. Explain how much you're going to miss going to this con - even if you would think it would be obvious, a lot of parents and other people don't understand the importance of scenes they're not involved in. She might have intentionally misled you, or then again she might have misunderstood how important it was to you, and done something like forgotten to check the website and just made something up that sounded plausible when you asked about it, without realising that it was going to ruin your fun. You don't know. Don't get mad with her, just try explaining it.

If there's anyone else you want to see at the family gathering, I think you should go. I mean, if it's really far off family you don't know, and you won't have a good time, there's not much point going, but if it's your cousins and you get on really well with some of them, there's no point punishing yourself by depriving yourself of the fun of the gathering, just because you've been denied the fun of the con. Talk to your mom before the gathering, so hopefully you'll have cleared the air between the two of you, but if things are still a bit sour, just hang out in different groups than she does. Not in a petty revenge sort of way, just so that you and the rest of your family don't have to put up with strained or awkward conversations.

I hope you can sort this out with your mom. Having family fights and feuds is no good at all, and I really hope your mom wasn't being deliberately manipulative. Good luck with it! :smallsmile:

[Tonal Architect]

Does everybody else in the family deserve this because of Lilith's mother's issues? Even if not, there are better ways to play the political game. For example, go to the gathering but use your own transportation. This is especially effective if the gathering is some distance away. Once you're there, avoid your mom and steer the conversation away from her. If she brought food, don't eat it. If you don't know which food is hers, ask, then immediately pick something else. Stuff like that, if you want to send the message that you're pissed at your mother, is more effective than punishing everybody by not showing up.

I'm afraid that wouldn't work; it'd probably be seem as though she's angry, but I think Lillith would only look childish by acting in such way. Please take no offense, but I think that's how it would strike everyone.

As for her family, I wouldn't put it in those terms; I think it's a matter of whether she feels confortable attending, or not. Personally, I wouldn't, and, on top of that, I think she has solid reasons not to attend it... But I think it'd be good to consider all possibilities, and see which way one's heart sways.

[JoshuaZ]

Assuming for remainder of this response that you've given an accurate summary of events (people often seem to have very different memories of what exchanges and discussions occurred.)

Not talking to her is not a good response. What I would do if I were in your position would be to say something like "Look, it seems very likely that you lied to me. And if you didn't lie you were incredibly incompetent. Either way this substantially reduces how much I can trust you. And I don't have a choice but to act accordingly especially as I grow older and need to look out for myself more. Maybe in the long-term if nothing like this happens again I might change my mind. But right now, it seems like you've created a non-repairable breach in our relationship or at least one that will take a very long time to repair. I hope that it doesn't get worst." Obviously, changing level of snark, condescension and passive-aggressiveness to suit your individual situation may need to occur.