Depression Thread 6: Revenge of the...Meh

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Naoto Shirogane: You only THINK you have nothing left. You would be astonished at how wrong you are. I know I was when I made my first attempt at suicide.*

It was over for me, just as it would seem to be for you. I typed out a suicide note and left it where it could be found. Then, having thought through what I was going to do, I did as planned...and ended up incredibly sick.

So sick that I was left in a medical ward and not a psych ward. Now I thought I had no one who cared about me, but one by one, my family members showed up and wept, ultimately distraught that I had tried to take my life. My father's reaction was the most shocking. "If you had succeeded, I wouldn't have been far behind."

I've made the drastic suggestion before, but perhaps you've missed it. If you are in such dire straits, call emergency services and have THEM bring you to a hospital. I was also going to suggest a suicide hotline, but Lady Moreta has already listed those in your area.

And, really...Has it not occurred to you how much WE care? You've been posting, and we've been desperately replying. We may be scattered around the world, and unable to come to your home to help, or call you to chat...but we're here, and we care. That's a lot of people. So for someone with nothing left, I must ask, "What about all of your friends on the Playground?"

Everyone else has covered just about everything else. And I think that that might be something you can look forward to. Y'see, several of the people leaping to your aid came here in a bad way. They needed to vent, or needed advice, and many even needed professional help. Some how, some way, they managed to do what needed to be done, and either accomplished their goals, or learned something about themselves along the way. They are all feeling much better for their efforts, and now return to help out those who also find themselves in a bad way. They are paying it forward, just as you probably will, once you've gotten past this crisis.

Please listen to us. Instead of using that push of energy to do yourself harm, us it to make a call for help.

* There were several attempts, but later attempts were due to my depression being untreated or treated poorly.

[OracleofWuffing]

Uh... Updating (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=9582985&postcount=686), I believe.

Unfortunately, the police were unable to give me a polygraph test. There was construction work going on at the station, and they said any startling noises would skew the results incorrectly. I was, however, "grilled," by what I believe is to be called a good-cop, bad-cop session. The first thing they did in that session was explain to me that they had solid evidence that I took the money, I was the only person to be asked for a polygraph, and that the court would be lenient on me if I had a good reason as to taking the money. :smallfrown: It was all untruths produced with the assumption that I had stolen the money (which I did not!) and could be convinced to confess. It was an hour and a half of repeatedly making the statement that I did not take it. They gave me a ride home afterwards, but regardless, it was quite a stirring experience that I'm letting it get way too much to my head.

Today, my boss rounded up the suspects and gave us an hour to point fingers at who stole the money. The other people believe it was me. I don't know if my boss genuinely knows who took the money and was giving us a chance to confess with no charges levied... But I'm currently waiting a phone call to explain to me if the police told her I did it, or if everyone (including me) is fired because the money has not shown up. I feel incredibly sick.

[Skeppio]

:smallsigh:
My mom and the doctor talked him out of it...
He's not stopping his treatment... Thank god... Longer reply when I've had some sleep ..
thanks guys :)

I'm so happy to hear that Eadin! Here's to many more years for the both of you. I'll eagerly await your longer, well rested reply.

All the best, Eadin!

[Archpaladin Zousha]

Dealing with more maternal depression frustration.

A lot of things have sort of been swirling around the home that have gotten me down. For one thing, I had to witness the parents of the kid I'm a personal care attendant for arguing, and then the mother told me that they were planning on basically letting me go since I literally cannot provide the services they're looking for (they want someone to basically take their son and look after him for more than four hours so they can get things done around their house, as their son is severely autistic and he literally can't be left alone for more than a few minutes before he starts trying to break or tear things, and I can't do that by myself since this kid's really the kind of kid who needs more than one person watching him). So the one job I've had since the summer is soon to be gone. They're keeping me on until they can arrange for proper respite care, which is what he needs, but after that they will have no more need of my services.

After that, I managed to get a job interview today at my old elementary school for an open Crossing-Guard position. I got to the interview a little late, but the scheduling was messed up anyway, so they told me it wasn't an issue. They told me they'd call when they'd made a decision. Well, they called me a few hours later and said that they'd made the offer to one of the earlier candidates, and she accepted (Of course she did, who in their right mind WOULDN'T take a job offer in this economy?!). So I'm still struggling to find a job. It's really getting discouraging because I try so hard. I do everything right. I fill out the applications, follow-up on the applications so they know who I am (almost to the point of annoying them), go to the interviews dressed in my best and everything else. And STILL no one ever has a place for me. I'm always passed over for someone whose credentials are no better than mine, but likely older than me. And it's the job search issue that has my mother riled like no other issue. She wants to see me out of the house and in the world, independent and basically normal. I have Asperger's Syndrome, and basically she's spend almost every ounce of energy she has trying to teach me how to behave socially appropriately in the world and shoehorning me into the mainstream. And she did this with the expectation that after college I'd be a fully-functional and self-sufficient man. Because I'm far from that at the moment, an emotionally insecure, mostly jobless, somewhat juvenile man without even a driver's license, she feels she's failed as a parent.

When I told her I got the interview, she sounded elated. But then when I told her the news that I hadn't gotten the job, her tone sank to dissapointment as soon as I told her (It was over the phone. My parents and brother have been on vacation in Florida for the past week, while I volunteered to stay home and keep the house in order). When I called her later tonight to check when they'd be home, she still sounded sad, and while she told me she wasn't upset at me she started crying. Even as she told me the school I'd applied at (where she works, incidentally) just missed out on a wonderful opportunity to have a kind, friendly guy who knows how to work with kids (me) work with them, that it was their loss, she sounded like she had a lot more things on her mind that were pulling her down, even after what should have been a fun and relaxing vacation. I don't know what to do, and I don't know how I'm going to deal with her when they arrive home. I'm hoping they'll basically be too tired for anything and I can just go to bed without further conversation with her, but I'm worried about the rest of the week.

I'm really really REALLY tired of having the state of her emotions tied to the state of my employment. It's getting worse and worse with every application that's never acknowledged and every call I get after an interview that says they have no need of me.

[Lady Moreta]

Adumbration (spoilered for your privacy):


I don't have a particular reason to be depressed. But I am. Slowly, gradually, observing the reactions of other people, I've become convinced that I'm a terrible, pathetic person.

You don't always have to have a reason. As Haruki said, sometimes it's just a combination of things that pile up on you, and then all of a sudden, you realise you're stuck in a pit that you can't seem to get out of. And trust me, we all go through feelings of "I'm a terrible, pathetic person." I believe the last time I went through that was - a couple of weeks ago.


... I can't think of a single positive thing about myself.

And after writing that, my second thoughts hammer the points home. Is this not the overemotionality and melodrama I just spoke of? Doesn't the very act of writing this post make me pathetic?

How hard were you thinking to come up with something positive? I ask because it's much much easier to be negative about ourselves. Ask me to come up with things I don't like about myself - easy-peasy, I could write an essay. Ask me to come up with things I do like about myself - yeah, that's not so much. I will suggest something that I suggested to Skeppio a while ago, that helped him. Get yourself a notebook or something, and start writing in it. Each day write down one thing that you like about yourself. Maybe you finished up a project and that made you feel good? Write it down. You got a good grade? Write it down. You helped a little old lady cross the street? Write it down. The longer you keep it up for, the easier it will become to think of things.

And no, writing this doesn't make you pathetic. Nor does it make you melodramatic or overemotional. If anything, you sound analytical, not emotional.


I've contacted the college facilities for such things once, but when I called them - on my brighter moments - some combination of perverted sense of selfpreservation and the sheer inability to talk about how I feel made the call pretty much useless. By the end of it, I had convinced myself I had no problems and that there was no point to go meet anyone. If anyone should ask how I feel, I would no doubt resort to lying, trickery and diversion.

Haruki is right - make an appointment and go in. Tell them that you rang a helpline and that you couldn't bring yourself to talk about anything. Ask them to get you talking, ask you questions. They're trained to draw things out. I've been to a counsellor a couple of times, and they are very good at drawing things out.

[/QUOTE]... And as I finish writing this, I can already feel the pall lifting. You, my dear reader, should mistrust the above text. I suspect my concept of reality occasionally takes a leave of absence.[/QUOTE]

Carthasis is a wonderful thing :smallsmile: You will feel better for getting it off your chest, but that doesn't mean you've miraculously solved your problems. That will take longer.

And, if I may ask - why don't you want your RL friends to know about this? Surely they'd be better placed to help you?



*snip*

I'm so sorry you're being put through this :smallfrown: The only thing you can really do is stick to your guns, and keep insisting that you didn't take the money. And make sure they get you the polygraph test. Those things are incredibly accurate, it's probably the best and fastest way to convince everyone you're telling the truth.

Zousha:
I rather think your mother's self-worth is tied up in you at the moment. It's not a healthy thing for either of you, but there it is...

This is just a hunch, but I would say that she's blaming herself for you not beinig able to find a job. Because she worked hard to help you be able to get by in society, she's probabaly thinking that she did something wrong, or that if she'd just done this or that that you wouldn't be having such trouble finding a job.

She's not upset with you. She's upset and crying because she thinks she's done something wrong, and that she's failed you as a mother. No, it's not healthy. And yes, it is putting unnecessary pressure on you.

I suggest talking to her. Sit the both of you down, and firstly reassure her that you don't blame her. That you're grateful for her teaching, and helping you. Then gently remind her that it isn't her fault or your fault that you haven't been able to find a job. You're getting interviews, which is fantastic. At some point, something will give and you'll get that job. Remind her that the economy is at fault. Not you. Not your aspergers. Not her.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

GAH! I keep trying to respond, but the internet keeps eating it! :smallfurious:


Zousha:
I rather think your mother's self-worth is tied up in you at the moment. It's not a healthy thing for either of you, but there it is...

That's an understatement. It's not healthy for the entire family.


This is just a hunch, but I would say that she's blaming herself for you not beinig able to find a job. Because she worked hard to help you be able to get by in society, she's probabaly thinking that she did something wrong, or that if she'd just done this or that that you wouldn't be having such trouble finding a job.

She's not upset with you. She's upset and crying because she thinks she's done something wrong, and that she's failed you as a mother. No, it's not healthy. And yes, it is putting unnecessary pressure on you.

This certainly is true, but there's more to it than that. She also blames herself for my Asperger's because of her genes, as her side of the family's got a long history of mental and physical disorders.


I suggest talking to her. Sit the both of you down, and firstly reassure her that you don't blame her. That you're grateful for her teaching, and helping you. Then gently remind her that it isn't her fault or your fault that you haven't been able to find a job. You're getting interviews, which is fantastic. At some point, something will give and you'll get that job. Remind her that the economy is at fault. Not you. Not your aspergers. Not her.

I've tried talking to her, but she just doesn't listen to anybody. Not to me, because I have Asperger's and thus am out of touch with reality. Not to her doctor, except where medication is involved. Not to my dad, despite his unwavering support and love for her.

[Lhurgyof]

I'm not quite sure if this belongs here or in the relationships section, but I've recently had my ex on my mind... We were together for like a year and boy was it hell... I already posted the particulars:

"I had a really hard strip of Depression 2 years ago, I went out with a girl who lived a few cities over. So, I only got to see her like once a month, but we talked a lot. Her mother was a horrible person, and I hated her. She wouldn't even let my girlfriend go down the street, it was so sad.

So, I couldn't really stay with my girlfriend, I was no longer happy with being with her at all. But every night (after about 8 months or so of dating), she would basically threaten to kill herself every night and I'd have to stay up until early morning to just make her rethink it. I was afraid to sleep. I wouldn't talk to anybody (they'd even ask me if anything was wrong and I'd just lie about it), my life was a complete and total mess. I still can't believe how horrible my life was. I really don't know how I got through it, but it really changed me. I've grown up in a way (but not in a good way), and my cheery outlook on life has been forever changed and I'm minorly paranoid over lots of things, like loosing people in my life now. :smallfrown:"

So, not only this, but since we broke up she seems to have all but disappeared off the face of the internet. Like, I have the only remaining evidence of her existence in front of me right now. I haven't seen her face for so long, it's really hard to look at. Sure, she had real big issues and her mom is a terrible monster, but I don't even know.

I'm not sure if I can trust linking her/the page I found it here, but I don't think you people will hunt me down. :smallfrown:

[Lady Moreta]

This certainly is true, but there's more to it than that. She also blames herself for my Asperger's because of her genes, as her side of the family's got a long history of mental and physical disorders.

I've tried talking to her, but she just doesn't listen to anybody. Not to me, because I have Asperger's and thus am out of touch with reality. Not to her doctor, except where medication is involved. Not to my dad, despite his unwavering support and love for her.

Oh... in that case I'm not sure there's much more advice I can offer, other than sympathy. Is there anyone at all that she trusts who might be able to get through to her? Have you tried getting the entire family in on the act? Maybe if you all say it at once, it might get through.



So, not only this, but since we broke up she seems to have all but disappeared off the face of the internet. Like, I have the only remaining evidence of her existence in front of me right now. I haven't seen her face for so long, it's really hard to look at. Sure, she had real big issues and her mom is a terrible monster, but I don't even know.

I'm not sure if I can trust linking her/the page I found it here, but I don't think you people will hunt me down. :smallfrown:

I'm not sure what you're after here... are you looking for help getting over her? in which case, looking for her online isn't going to help.

Small vent, feel free to ignore:
I hate my job :smallfrown: I really really do.

Consider the following, if you will:
I had to go into a meeting. For me, being the receptionist, this involves putting the switch phone on divert, so that it will ring around the office and others can pick it up while I'm not there (I do this every lunch break, and pretty much whenever I leave my desk).

I come out of the meeting about an hour later, and am promptly told off by the lady whose desk is closest to mine. She wanted to know where I was, and why I didn't tell them I was going to be away from my desk. Fair enough, I forgot to send an email saying I'd be in a meeting (I completely forgot about said meeting, so was in a bit of a rush). She then procedes to berate me, and starts going on about how if I don't tell them I'm going to be away from my desk, then they (meaning she) won't answer the phone because it isn't her job, and if I don't tell them, they can't be held responsible. I'm sorry, but if the phone starts to ring, and you can see I'm not at my desk (and yes, she can tell that from where she sits), then answer the damn phone! Do you really need me to spell it out for you every time? I send emails when I go to collect the mail/go on my lunch break. I don't send emails when I go to the bathroom, or go upstairs. And yet people still manage to figure out I'm not there. It bugs me.

Okay, so I was in a hurry and I forgot to send an email. Big deal. It's not rocket science to figure out that 'hey, Moreta's not at her desk, maybe I should start helping with the phones'. It's that no one wants to take any responsibility in this place and they'd rather just blame me... :smallfurious:

[Lhurgyof]

Oh... in that case I'm not sure there's much more advice I can offer, other than sympathy. Is there anyone at all that she trusts who might be able to get through to her? Have you tried getting the entire family in on the act? Maybe if you all say it at once, it might get through.



I'm not sure what you're after here... are you looking for help getting over her? in which case, looking for her online isn't going to help.

Small vent, feel free to ignore:
I hate my job :smallfrown: I really really do.

Consider the following, if you will:
I had to go into a meeting. For me, being the receptionist, this involves putting the switch phone on divert, so that it will ring around the office and others can pick it up while I'm not there (I do this every lunch break, and pretty much whenever I leave my desk).

I come out of the meeting about an hour later, and am promptly told off by the lady whose desk is closest to mine. She wanted to know where I was, and why I didn't tell them I was going to be away from my desk. Fair enough, I forgot to send an email saying I'd be in a meeting (I completely forgot about said meeting, so was in a bit of a rush). She then procedes to berate me, and starts going on about how if I don't tell them I'm going to be away from my desk, then they (meaning she) won't answer the phone because it isn't her job, and if I don't tell them, they can't be held responsible. I'm sorry, but if the phone starts to ring, and you can see I'm not at my desk (and yes, she can tell that from where she sits), then answer the damn phone! Do you really need me to spell it out for you every time? I send emails when I go to collect the mail/go on my lunch break. I don't send emails when I go to the bathroom, or go upstairs. And yet people still manage to figure out I'm not there. It bugs me.

Okay, so I was in a hurry and I forgot to send an email. Big deal. It's not rocket science to figure out that 'hey, Moreta's not at her desk, maybe I should start helping with the phones'. It's that no one wants to take any responsibility in this place and they'd rather just blame me... :smallfurious:

I guess you're right. But I mean, I'm worried about her, as you may have read. Not only is her mom a horrible person, but she herself is very unstable. I just really don't want to find out she's dead, which this helps with finding she isn't, so it's also just missing her: Removed, this board on GitP was blocked (friendly bantered) on my school computer, so now I'm suspicious.

I mean, I was a free-spirited child at heart before I met her. Now I'm a cynical, spiteful person with anger management issues.

I had a dream where she called me and not only her but her mom had changed. It was very odd, and is pretty much the origin of this. =\

Edit: Oh god, I hate people who start drama at the work place. Trust me, my work is literally full of people like that, but I just mind my tongue, put on a happy face, and do my work. Try to do the same, either it gets better or you need a different job, or you just suffer through it and get money.

Edit edit: Nobody do any further research into her or anything, please. I hope I can trust you guys.

[Skeppio]

Small vent, feel free to ignore:
I hate my job :smallfrown: I really really do.

Consider the following, if you will:
I had to go into a meeting. For me, being the receptionist, this involves putting the switch phone on divert, so that it will ring around the office and others can pick it up while I'm not there (I do this every lunch break, and pretty much whenever I leave my desk).

I come out of the meeting about an hour later, and am promptly told off by the lady whose desk is closest to mine. She wanted to know where I was, and why I didn't tell them I was going to be away from my desk. Fair enough, I forgot to send an email saying I'd be in a meeting (I completely forgot about said meeting, so was in a bit of a rush). She then procedes to berate me, and starts going on about how if I don't tell them I'm going to be away from my desk, then they (meaning she) won't answer the phone because it isn't her job, and if I don't tell them, they can't be held responsible. I'm sorry, but if the phone starts to ring, and you can see I'm not at my desk (and yes, she can tell that from where she sits), then answer the damn phone! Do you really need me to spell it out for you every time? I send emails when I go to collect the mail/go on my lunch break. I don't send emails when I go to the bathroom, or go upstairs. And yet people still manage to figure out I'm not there. It bugs me.

Okay, so I was in a hurry and I forgot to send an email. Big deal. It's not rocket science to figure out that 'hey, Moreta's not at her desk, maybe I should start helping with the phones'. It's that no one wants to take any responsibility in this place and they'd rather just blame me... :smallfurious:

:smallfrown: That really sucks, Moreta. *hugs*

[Lady Moreta]

*snip*

Ahhh... well, it helps knowing that she's alive at least :smallsmile: Unfortunately, there isn't really anything you can do about the rest of it. It would probably do you some good to let her go and move on.

*hugs Skep*

And thanks for the sympathy. I very nearly did say something like "Well actually, if you could see I wasn't there, where I was doesn't actually matter!" but I'm not good with confrontation so I wussed out :smallfrown:

[rakkoon]

Yay, passed the Black Belt exam, had a wonderful time in the UK, met loads of people from other counties, much fun and whiskey was had by all.
The sun is shining. Let's keep it like that!

[Lady Moreta]

Yay, passed the Black Belt exam, had a wonderful time in the UK, met loads of people from other counties, much fun and whiskey was had by all.
The sun is shining. Let's keep it like that!

Woohoo! Congratulations! :smallbiggrin:

No fireworks between you and your old trainer I take it?

[Rowsen]

Yay, passed the Black Belt exam, had a wonderful time in the UK, met loads of people from other counties, much fun and whiskey was had by all.
The sun is shining. Let's keep it like that!
Congrats! I hope this trend keeps up for you.

[rakkoon]

I even ended up alone in the train with my old trainer on the way back :smalleek: but it went alright. Just sidestepped some subjects :smallsmile:
Tx for asking
Yeah, trend ahoi !

[Skeppio]

Congrats, Rakkoon! I hope the sun shines upon you for many days to come. :smallsmile:

[Moonshadow]

Small vent, feel free to ignore:
I hate my job :smallfrown: I really really do.

Consider the following, if you will:
I had to go into a meeting. For me, being the receptionist, this involves putting the switch phone on divert, so that it will ring around the office and others can pick it up while I'm not there (I do this every lunch break, and pretty much whenever I leave my desk).

I come out of the meeting about an hour later, and am promptly told off by the lady whose desk is closest to mine. She wanted to know where I was, and why I didn't tell them I was going to be away from my desk. Fair enough, I forgot to send an email saying I'd be in a meeting (I completely forgot about said meeting, so was in a bit of a rush). She then procedes to berate me, and starts going on about how if I don't tell them I'm going to be away from my desk, then they (meaning she) won't answer the phone because it isn't her job, and if I don't tell them, they can't be held responsible. I'm sorry, but if the phone starts to ring, and you can see I'm not at my desk (and yes, she can tell that from where she sits), then answer the damn phone! Do you really need me to spell it out for you every time? I send emails when I go to collect the mail/go on my lunch break. I don't send emails when I go to the bathroom, or go upstairs. And yet people still manage to figure out I'm not there. It bugs me.

Okay, so I was in a hurry and I forgot to send an email. Big deal. It's not rocket science to figure out that 'hey, Moreta's not at her desk, maybe I should start helping with the phones'. It's that no one wants to take any responsibility in this place and they'd rather just blame me... :smallfurious:

Dang. What use are the 3 Brothers if we can't come over there and sort out the silly ladies making your life hell?

Alternatively, send this one lady an email every time you do something. Sit down? Send her an email. Open up word? Send her an email. Send her an email? Send her another one so she knows that you sent the first one. So on, so forth.

[Runestar]

Are polygraph tests even admissible as evidence in court? :smallconfused:

[Klose_the_Sith]

Argh, weirdest problem ever :smallsigh:

(I'm pretty sure when google reveals no-one else talking about what you're suffering, that statement's hyperbole is reduced to acceptable levels, at least.)

I hate sleep. Like, hate-hate-burning-fiery-death-vengeance-would-rather-stay-up-staring-into-space-than-sleep.

It's not even from the angle I have heard before, where it's discussed how we "waste our lives unaware of the world around us" or similar. It feels repulsive to me. The act of lying in my bed is comfy but every aspect of sleepiness/tiredness/sleeping feels horrible to me.

I will feel worse in the morning proportionate to how much sleep I had (incidentally, I currently never want to have more than 6 hours ever again. EVER.).

So, yeah. Venty-rant-rant right there. Apparently exhaustion is starting to take it's toll on me, but it still feels preferable to the sickening grasp of going voluntarily comatose.

[Quincunx]

Klose_the_Sith: Not unheard-of, but yoked with such an obscure term (because it is extremely rare) that winnowing it out of a search engine would be a tricky task; heck, I can't even think of the root words for "repulsed by" at the moment. If you can get your hands on a public domain (i.e. very old) psychology text and paddle past all the mislabeled, wrong-headed old diagnoses of modern problems, that would be a tad more likely to mention your quirk. Repressive mental illnesses were more common in the repressed societies, and they repressed bodily functions just as hard as they could back-in-the-day.

However, that "feeling worse after more sleep" is sheer exhaustion, and indicates that you need. . .more sleep. It won't go away until you're caught up. Sorry.

Lhurgyof: A) Under normal circumstances, I would follow that link, being nosy. B) I would tell you about having followed it, and most arses of my acquaintance who would auto-follow A would NOT audit B unless and until it was to their advantage to do so.

In this instance, I didn't and won't do A, since you, y'know, asked us not to. Here and now, you can trust the responders, but I'm never certain you can trust all the readers. But! there IS a solution! Google's cache is not quite as immutable as could be hoped. If you have sensitive info, ideally you'd say "replies in PM please" and then it wouldn't be cached--but now that it is, simply edit and overwrite it after waiting for a day's worth of conversation or so, and since this thread is still active and on the same page it is still being actively cached, and the likelihood of the delicate matter being the archived one drops.

*thoughtful, middle-distance stare*
*turns back to Klose*

Say, wasn't it you who introduced that idea over in RW&A to post up the conundrum for a day, get advice, and then take it down again to preserve privacy for the future?

[Lady Moreta]

Congrats, Rakkoon! I hope the sun shines upon you for many days to come. :smallsmile:

*sings* Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows....

sorry...


Dang. What use are the 3 Brothers if we can't come over there and sort out the silly ladies making your life hell?

You make me smile :smallsmile:


Are polygraph tests even admissible as evidence in court? :smallconfused:

I'm honestly not sure. I think they are...


So, yeah. Venty-rant-rant right there. Apparently exhaustion is starting to take it's toll on me, but it still feels preferable to the sickening grasp of going voluntarily comatose.

That is rather odd. I think you need to get an appointment with a sleep specialist. You'll possibly need to see a GP first to get a referral, but if exhaustion is starting to catch up with you, I'd say it's time to get some medical help.

[Klose_the_Sith]

Klose_the_Sith: Not unheard-of, but yoked with such an obscure term (because it is extremely rare) that winnowing it out of a search engine would be a tricky task; heck, I can't even think of the root words for "repulsed by" at the moment. If you can get your hands on a public domain (i.e. very old) psychology text and paddle past all the mislabeled, wrong-headed old diagnoses of modern problems, that would be a tad more likely to mention your quirk. Repressive mental illnesses were more common in the repressed societies, and they repressed bodily functions just as hard as they could back-in-the-day.

Ahkay. I was just surprised that with all the backlash of today, none of it was caught by sleep. Just made it even scarier ...


However, that "feeling worse after more sleep" is sheer exhaustion, and indicates that you need. . .more sleep. It won't go away until you're caught up. Sorry.

I've tried this, though. I really have :smallfrown:

I've gone for weeks and weeks of 8 hour minimum up to 10 hour sleeps. I just felt gradually worse and worse about the whole thing until an all-nighter left me feeling better.

Sleep is the WORST.


*thoughtful, middle-distance stare*
*turns back to Klose*

Say, wasn't it you who introduced that idea over in RW&A to post up the conundrum for a day, get advice, and then take it down again to preserve privacy for the future?

No, that makes far too much sense to have been my idea :smalltongue:

[Quincunx]

Somehow you left the impression that you were the conqueror of the flesh and had not closed your eyes for less than six hours for weeks before this shameful incident. Knowing that you were actually down for the requisite time changes things entirely! That's "sleep dysfunction"--most commonly "sleep apnea" or just "apnea", but there's plenty of other potential problems with the actual process of sleep. The psychological squick of it is a side-effect and most likely not the problem at all.

[Klose_the_Sith]

Somehow you left the impression that you were the conqueror of the flesh and had not closed your eyes for less than six hours for weeks before this shameful incident. Knowing that you were actually down for the requisite time changes things entirely! That's "sleep dysfunction"--most commonly "sleep apnea" or just "apnea", but there's plenty of other potential problems with the actual process of sleep. The psychological squick of it is a side-effect and most likely not the problem at all.

Ah, but I am.

What I'm describing happened months ago when I last tried to fight it. I have since accepted it, but now the exhaustion is taking some nasty toll.

RGRGSDLBBLDKDJBGSDG.

[Lady Moreta]

Ah, but I am.

What I'm describing happened months ago when I last tried to fight it. I have since accepted it, but now the exhaustion is taking some nasty toll.

RGRGSDLBBLDKDJBGSDG.

I agree with Quincunx, sounds like sleep apnea to me. And there are heaps of things they can do to help with that. Definitely get to a doctor/sleep specialist and see what they can do. :smallsmile:

[Coidzor]

Hmm. Yeah, since it's come back, definitely get checked out... :/ Not being able to breath while asleep is nasty business.

[The Rose Dragon]

On a completely different note:

I feel completely useless and annoying and miserable, and that people hate me because I'm flaky and I constantly let them down. I don't even have a direction to go in my life, and the only difference between my living and not-living is that my family would be miserable. I don't think I'm going to do anything noteworthy after graduating from college, and no one knows me well enough to mourn me anyway.

But I'm not gonna die, because I fear death and the end of all possibilities it brings. In fact, that's why I'm going to college. Failing, but still going.

I need a punchbag in the shape of myself so I can scream and punch it and feel better about my life sucking, but I don't have enough money to order such a custom punchbag.

I need to figure out how to fix my life and stop living only in the now.

[Lady Moreta]

On a completely different note:

I feel completely useless and annoying and miserable, and that people hate me because I'm flaky and I constantly let them down. I don't even have a direction to go in my life, and the only difference between my living and not-living is that my family would be miserable. I don't think I'm going to do anything noteworthy after graduating from college, and no one knows me well enough to mourn me anyway.

I need a punchbag in the shape of myself so I can scream and punch it and feel better about my life sucking, but I don't have enough money to order such a custom punchbag.

I need to figure out how to fix my life and stop living only in the now.

I'm glad you can't afford it. I don't think beating yourself up, physically or mentally is the right answer here :smallsmile: The screaming and punching (even if you use a pillow) might help - sometimes I find yelling and screaming makes me feel better.

Have you talked to your phsy pscyhologist about this? I think you should mention to her the next time you see her. I know you see her primarily in regards to the abuse, but they're also quite good at helping with other problems - and it's highly likely there's a link.

I would mourn you if you killed yourself. Life is precious, no matter what. :smallsmile:

[Lioness]

phsy pscyhologist psychologist

Fixed that for you :smalltongue:

[The Rose Dragon]

I know you see her primarily in regards to the abuse, but they're also quite good at helping with other problems - and it's highly likely there's a link.

Well, I'm seeing her because of several reasons that are unrelated to that whole incident, though all of them appear to be symptoms of what's wrong with my psyche and not the cause. We're trying to figure out what the causes might be. The incident I mentioned before is just one possible cause.

But yeah, I'll tell her when I see her. Which will be next Friday.

Of course, I could call her tomorrow (or today after I wake up). I just don't feel like bothering her.

[OracleofWuffing]

Are polygraph tests even admissible as evidence in court? :smallconfused:

I think that was addressed to me, so I apologize if my thinking is incorrect.

No, polygraph tests are not admissible as evidence in court. However, there is no evidence to prove which of the suspects did it. Don't think of it as a court-thing yet, my boss just wants to know who shouldn't be working here any more. As such, a test would be appropriate for determining that status.

:smallsigh: I'm afraid that's kind of worthless now.

Our business uses a Yahoo group to keep track of jobs and time in the office. I just received a message that I was removed from the group. As the money has not shown up, she's fired everyone that was a suspect. I guess that means I'm out of a job.

[Lady Moreta]

Our business uses a Yahoo group to keep track of jobs and time in the office. I just received a message that I was removed from the group. As the money has not shown up, she's fired everyone that was a suspect. I guess that means I'm out of a job.

Oh that sucks... :smallfrown: I'm sorry about that.

I suppose I can understand your boss' point of view, but it sucks for you (and everyone else who didn't take the money).

[Rawhide]

As the money has not shown up, she's fired everyone that was a suspect. I guess that means I'm out of a job.

Where do you live? In quite a few countries that would be grounds for unfair dismissal.

[OracleofWuffing]

Heh, and here I was thinking that last post I made would get scrubbed for legal advice...

I'm really torn between trying to seek... Uh, whatever it would be, for unemployment. This is the only job I've had outside my horrendous job at my parents' place and Idon'twannatalkaboutthatagain. I mean, two years ago, this person basically hired me full-time before I had my degrees or any experience in the field. I know I've got a bum deal here, but I don't know if I want to spit in the eye of that person.

Er, to answer the question, Nebraska, USA.

[Jacklu]

I think I broke something...

I've been stressed as hell lately and it's all been building... then tonight there was some extra stress thrown in and... I feel nothing. Kinda blah... but numb. I might be crying... Not really sure... just... nothing.

[Lady Moreta]

I think I broke something...

I've been stressed as hell lately and it's all been building... then tonight there was some extra stress thrown in and... I feel nothing. Kinda blah... but numb. I might be crying... Not really sure... just... nothing.

*hugs* If you've been stressed lately and then had something else thrown in, I'm not surprised you're feeling a bit broken. The human body/mind can only take so much before it demands a break.

What things have been stressing you? Maybe someone here can help.

Otherwise, take a break. Get away from everything for a day (or longer if you need it). Have some time by yourself to just rest and relax. Do something fun. Get together with friends and make sure you do nothing that's related to the things that have been stressing you out. If time is a factor, then at least give yourself a morning or an afternoon of time out. Give yourself some space to breath, you sound a little overwhelmed at the moment.

And have some more *hugs* :smallsmile:

[Lioness]

So it's 8.00pm. And I'd like nothing more than to curl up in bed and sleep. Because I can't be bothered staying up. Because the awake world holds little interest today. Because I feel too weak to stay awake.

I'm also possibly on the verge of developing some kind of eating disorder...I have been for a while, but I've managed to make myself eat things. Tonight I'm not having dinner. I didn't have breakfast. I had lunch, but a few hours late, and only because I was starving. It's like I think I will feel sick if I eat, so I don't, and then I eat lots of junk food later. I've been slowly cutting down the junk food, but haven't been replacing it with decent food. Serves me right if I pass out, I suppose.

But yeah, I don't like the way my mind is thinking at the moment. I'm reading a lot because I want to escape the world around me, and even a fantastic, historical 18th century American world is better than the world around me.
BF tries to help, but half the time just doesn't. I mean, he cheers me up, but half the time he's the reason I'm annoyed. I want to talk to him about it, but it's stupid things that are annoying me...like he's very vocal and doesn't hesitate to give opinions and encouragement. And sometimes it's the wrong kind of encouragement, and it gets me down, but I can hardly say "You annoy me by being yourself...please don't". That wouldn't be fair on either of us, because it's my fault that I'm letting it annoy me.

And I'm 3-4 days into our free study week, and I've done a grand total of nothing. At all. And that makes me feel guilty, terrible, and stupid. I need to do something, but I just don't...I need to finish typingup my Japanese speech tonight, but I'm considering going to bed as soon as I've finished writing this.

I just don't know how to make it better.

[Skeppio]

Aww...that sucks Lioness. I wish I had something else to say other than "it sucks", but I don't know what to do. *HUGS* Hope you can sort things out. :smallfrown:

[Lioness]

Thanks Skep :)

I've now got a plate of hot chips, and while they're not healthy, they're better than nothing, I suppose.

I'll go to bed soon...it's late enough to go without prompting comment from family.

[Skeppio]

Well, as long as you're eating.

Hope you feel better after some rest. Sleep well, Lioness. :smallsmile:

[Rawhide]

If you see yourself on the verge of developing an eating disorder. Stop. Do everything you can to prevent it. If necessary, talk to someone.

Make sure you prevent it from occuring, because once it becomes physiological, it can be near impossible to break the cycle, often requiring intervention, counselling and other expensive treatments. It can then remain there for the rest of your life, threatening to consume you again.

In short, do not let yourself develop an eating disorder. Stop it now before it affects your health and becomes incredibly hard to break the cycle.

[Lioness]

If you see yourself on the verge of developing an eating disorder. Stop. Do everything you can to prevent it. If necessary, talk to someone.

Make sure you prevent it from occuring, because once it becomes physiological, it can be near impossible to break the cycle, often requiring intervention, counselling and other expensive treatments. It can then remain there for the rest of your life, threatening to consume you again.

In short, do not let yourself develop an eating disorder. Stop it now before it affects your health and becomes incredibly hard to break the cycle.

Hence why I posted here, in hope of something. I've been managing to stop it thus far, but I keep feeling worse. I think I can manage, but if I can't, I will do something about it. I definitely don't want an eating disorder.

[Rawhide]

Hence why I posted here, in hope of something. I've been managing to stop it thus far, but I keep feeling worse. I think I can manage, but if I can't, I will do something about it. I definitely don't want an eating disorder.

Good.

But that is unfortunately where my advice breaks down. I have no personal experience with an eating disorder.

What do you think might be the root cause or causes of your lack of desire to eat? Is there any way to reduce or remove those causes?

Have you tried changing your diet? Eating food that is different or more exciting for a while?

[SMEE]

I second the suggestion of changing your diet.
Add some fruit and vegetables to it while you're at that.
And... don't... skip... breakfast.
It doesn't matter if it is some chocolate, yogurt, a carrot (excellent snack choice, always have some at your fridge), cereal, bread... eat something at breakfast, for your body needs the energy.
It will also help you feel better through the morning, which will lead you to remember to have lunch.

And yes, try to work out what's the cause of it.
Body image, depression, school?
It will be easier to work out a solution once you know why you're doing this.

[Coidzor]

Boyfriend or family related verbal barbs or sniping at you?

[Kjata]

I'm failing out of college. Already. I'm dropping one class thursday, and might have to drop another. If I understand the grading, I will have to get 100% on everything here on out to even get a C.

I think I'm an alcoholic. Not full blown, but my drinking was pretty out of hand when I stopped. I had a few shots about a week ago, and I've had this... craving since. It's like a hunger for alcohol. This is how it was throughout my last few years of high school. And now its back. For it to come back in full force from not even enough to feel the effects is just... terrifying. What's going to happen when I can actually buy it?

[Lhurgyof]

I second the suggestion of changing your diet.
Add some fruit and vegetables to it while you're at that.
And... don't... skip... breakfast.
It doesn't matter if it is some chocolate, yogurt, a carrot (excellent snack choice, always have some at your fridge), cereal, bread... eat something at breakfast, for your body needs the energy.
It will also help you feel better through the morning, which will lead you to remember to have lunch.

And yes, try to work out what's the cause of it.
Body image, depression, school?
It will be easier to work out a solution once you know why you're doing this.

I can't eat earlier in the morning or I get really nausiated.
Same thing happens if I don't eat for a while and then decide to have something to eat.
Actually, it happens if I just don't eat for a while.

I hate my stomach. It obviously doesn't like me, and on top of that it constantly demands food to try and turn me into a rolly-poly.

[SMEE]

I can't eat earlier in the morning or I get really nausiated.
Same thing happens if I don't eat for a while and then decide to have something to eat.
Actually, it happens if I just don't eat for a while.

I hate my stomach. It obviously doesn't like me, and on top of that it constantly demands food to try and turn me into a rolly-poly.

Hmm.
What do you eat. If you're getting so many problems, it would be wise to look at your diet and see if you could change it.
Maybe eating smaller meals through the day and snacking more often could help you cause.
Speaking with a nutritionist would also be advisable. As well as checking for allergies. You might be allergic to some of the food components or spices.

[Lioness]

What do you think might be the root cause or causes of your lack of desire to eat? Is there any way to reduce or remove those causes?

Have you tried changing your diet? Eating food that is different or more exciting for a while?

Mainly self-confidence issues. I'm not fat, but I do weigh more than I'd like to. I know in my smart brain that not eating is a ridiculously stupid way to help that, but my stupid brain doesn't seem to be listening.

Changing my diet only works if I'm willing to separate myself from the rest of the family...I eat what they feed me. My family sucks at making nutritional meals...if I want fruits and vegetables, I have to really bug mum, which I don't have the energy for at the moment, or I have to buy my own, which I don't have money for at the moment.


I second the suggestion of changing your diet.
Add some fruit and vegetables to it while you're at that.
And... don't... skip... breakfast.
It doesn't matter if it is some chocolate, yogurt, a carrot (excellent snack choice, always have some at your fridge), cereal, bread... eat something at breakfast, for your body needs the energy.
It will also help you feel better through the morning, which will lead you to remember to have lunch.

There was a two-week stage where I had breakfast every morning, was sleeping well, and generally felt good. Then the toaster broke, and so breakfast became more difficult, and so I stopped having it. And then my sleeping schedule broke down. And it's all really broken into pieces.

I said I was going to bed early tonight...it didn't work. I read for a bit, and then started crying. I don't know why, but I still am. And it's not helping me sleep.


Boyfriend or family related verbal barbs or sniping at you?

No. That's by no means anywhere near a major issue right now. It's only a small issue because of bigger problems. I thought I'd made that clear.
My boyfriend is not the cause or aggravation of my depression and/or potential eating disorder.

[Coidzor]

Bagels or even a simple couple of pieces of bread with jam or something can be eaten without being toasted.

Actually, I was quite pleasantly surprised at my experience with non-toasted bagels after getting through the first day and a half of my cross-continental bus trip with those as my main carbohydrate intake.

Could you arrange to go shopping with whoever of your parents does the family food shopping and thus help moderate their choices?


No. That's by no means anywhere near a major issue right now. It's only a small issue because of bigger problems. I thought I'd made that clear.

Right now? So one or both of those parties had been giving you grief about your weight but is no longer? :smallconfused:

[Lioness]

Right now? So one or both of those parties had been giving you grief about your weight but is no longer? :smallconfused:

There is no one but me giving me grief about my weight. BF doesn't mind at all, and the family rarely even mentions it.

I just don't like the way I look naked in a mirror. Other people don't really have anything to do with that; it's self-perception, and whether I'm confident in my own body. I'm not, at the moment, and that bothers me.

[SMEE]

Lioness, if you want to talk about it more, my IM contact is at my profile.
Feel free to add me and we can talk about it all.

Anyway, from what I remember, you have recently finished high school, so it might have something to do with this.
What's ahead is unclear at the moment, so it might be one of the source of the problem.

[rakkoon]

I'm failing out of college. Already. I'm dropping one class thursday, and might have to drop another. If I understand the grading, I will have to get 100% on everything here on out to even get a C.

I think I'm an alcoholic. Not full blown, but my drinking was pretty out of hand when I stopped. I had a few shots about a week ago, and I've had this... craving since. It's like a hunger for alcohol. This is how it was throughout my last few years of high school. And now its back. For it to come back in full force from not even enough to feel the effects is just... terrifying. What's going to happen when I can actually buy it?

Can you do some exams this year and the rest next year?

Also, keep fighting the urge since you know it's bad for you. Perhaps talking to a friend or family member you can trust about it?

[Lioness]

Could you arrange to go shopping with whoever of your parents does the family food shopping and thus help moderate their choices?


Mum does the shopping...I don't live with dad. The problem is that mum doesn't really cook much, so if I want healthy meals, I have to cook them. And in the middle of exams at the moment, I just don't have the time. We have vegetables sometimes, but never the proper meals that every normal family seems to have.


Lioness, if you want to talk about it more, my IM contact is at my profile.
Feel free to add me and we can talk about it all.


Thank you SMEE, I shall take you up on that offer :smallsmile:
I don't think that finishing high school is a major part, except for the large amounts of exams revision that are expected that I haven't been doing.

[The Rose Dragon]

Thinking about my life, I condensed everything I have ever done into six simple steps.

10 Start new activity / meet new person
20 Things go well
30 Sabotage self
40 Things go badly
50 Decide not to start activity / talk to person again
60 GOTO 10

[Haruki-kun]

I think I'm an alcoholic. Not full blown, but my drinking was pretty out of hand when I stopped. I had a few shots about a week ago, and I've had this... craving since. It's like a hunger for alcohol. This is how it was throughout my last few years of high school. And now its back. For it to come back in full force from not even enough to feel the effects is just... terrifying. What's going to happen when I can actually buy it?

Not necessarily alcoholism yet, but it can get dangerous if it keeps going. I suggest you talk to a psychologist or a school counsilor about this (assuming they're not fully anti-alcohol, in which case I reccomend a psychologist instead).

For now, try to avoid drinking alone. And if you really think you can't handle it, try to avoid drinking altogether. I know it's not easy, but... that's my advice.

[Helanna]

Er, to answer the question, Nebraska, USA.

You definitely might want to check out unfair dismissal laws there. I don't know but 'fire everyone who was even remotely under suspicion' doesn't seem like a legitimate reason to fire anyone.


There was a two-week stage where I had breakfast every morning, was sleeping well, and generally felt good. Then the toaster broke, and so breakfast became more difficult, and so I stopped having it. And then my sleeping schedule broke down. And it's all really broken into pieces.

It sounds like you should really try to get that back, if at all possible. Is anything keeping you from having a solid sleeping schedule? And as for breakfast, you may simply need to force yourself to get up and get something to eat. Try to convince your parents to get stuff that's healthy, but isn't time-consuming to make - fruits are good for that, and stuff like yogurt and breakfast/health/granola bars that you can just grab and eat when you need them.


Mum does the shopping...I don't live with dad. The problem is that mum doesn't really cook much, so if I want healthy meals, I have to cook them. And in the middle of exams at the moment, I just don't have the time. We have vegetables sometimes, but never the proper meals that every normal family seems to have.


Eh, I'm not sure how 'normal' that is. A lot of people I know don't have 'proper' meals either. My family hasn't eaten dinner together since I can remember, and my mom stopped actually making dinners when I was about 12 because she had to take on a full-time job and wasn't home during dinner time.

[cycoris]

I hate my job, so much. Have threatened to quit probably ten times in the last two days, but I really can't afford to. The baby I watch is incredibly fussy and high maintenance, and right now she's sick. Either I assume that she's human, in which case I have a human being furious at me and shrieking in my ear for eight hours a day, or she's not human, in which case it wouldn't matter if I dumped her in a ditch somewhere. :smallsigh:

And yes, I know, she's probably not mad at me, but...still feels that way.

I feel like I'm back living with my parents, where there's a completely unspoken set of expectations I'm supposed to meet, and either I can't figure out what they are or I'm just plain not good enough. I'm reminded of people telling me things like "We don't expect that much of you..." and "This wouldn't be difficult if you weren't making it so". And I'm really not handling it well.

Also, when the baby does seem pretty happy, I get stressed out and worried that the mother is going to resent me.

I know that what I really need to do is stop whining, get more sleep, not dump her in a ditch, and hopefully sort through at least some of my neuroses before I have kids of my own. But I was very much hoping someone here could just say "screw that" and hand me the key to Lala-Land where everybody is happy and sings Cat Stevens all the time. :smallsigh:

[Coidzor]

At the very least, childcare as a longterm career is probably off the table.

Sick baby, eh? ...Not fun. :smalleek:

Why can't you quit though?

[OracleofWuffing]

Expletive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive!

There is a possible hole in one employee's testimony, one which would identify him as taking money from where the payment was placed (though not necessarily the specific payment in question) before opening hours. I've only talked to my family about it, but since it depends on one issue that isn't certain (and might not be confirmable), I don't know who to speak to first about it, the cops, my boss, or this person my parents want to talk to in regards to unfair dismissal. Or even if I should dare e-mail the employee about that uncertainty...

[arguskos]

Expletive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive explitive!

There is a possible hole in one employee's testimony, one which would identify him as taking money from where the payment was placed (though not necessarily the specific payment in question) before opening hours. I've only talked to my family about it, but since it depends on one issue that isn't certain (and might not be confirmable), I don't know who to speak to first about it, the cops, my boss, or this person my parents want to talk to in regards to unfair dismissal. Or even if I should dare e-mail the employee about that uncertainty...
DO NOT DO THIS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. If he is that guy, don't let anyone know except the police. It is their place to figure this out, not yours.

[Lady Moreta]

Thinking about my life, I condensed everything I have ever done into six simple steps.

10 Start new activity / meet new person
20 Things go well
30 Sabotage self
40 Things go badly
50 Decide not to start activity / talk to person again
60 GOTO 10

Then start thinking about what you're doing to sabotage yourself. Can you give any examples? Being aware of the behaviours is the first step to doing something about it. If you know what you're doing, you can train yourself to start recognising and stopping yourself before you get too far.



I hate my job, so much. Have threatened to quit probably ten times in the last two days, but I really can't afford to. The baby I watch is incredibly fussy and high maintenance, and right now she's sick. Either I assume that she's human, in which case I have a human being furious at me and shrieking in my ear for eight hours a day, or she's not human, in which case it wouldn't matter if I dumped her in a ditch somewhere. :smallsigh:

And yes, I know, she's probably not mad at me, but...still feels that way.

I feel like I'm back living with my parents, where there's a completely unspoken set of expectations I'm supposed to meet, and either I can't figure out what they are or I'm just plain not good enough. I'm reminded of people telling me things like "We don't expect that much of you..." and "This wouldn't be difficult if you weren't making it so". And I'm really not handling it well.

Also, when the baby does seem pretty happy, I get stressed out and worried that the mother is going to resent me.

I know that what I really need to do is stop whining, get more sleep, not dump her in a ditch, and hopefully sort through at least some of my neuroses before I have kids of my own. But I was very much hoping someone here could just say "screw that" and hand me the key to Lala-Land where everybody is happy and sings Cat Stevens all the time. :smallsigh:


I'm sorry work is tough *hugs* I frequently play with a friend's baby, and said baby is just about the happiest, most easy-going kid I've ever been around, and yet I still get stressed whenever she starts to fuss. I can't imagine what it would be like if she was like that all the time.

Are you able to talk to the people you work for and just let them know "hey, I feel like I'm missing the mark in some way. Can we please sit down and have you evaluate my performance? let me know what I'm doing right and what I could improve on?" I have to do performance reviews like that once a year, and as much as they feel terrifying, they're actually really helpful. It might help calm your fears at least.



Or even if I should dare e-mail the employee about that uncertainty...

Don't. It will land you in whole worlds of trouble. Firing everyone isn't fair and I know it'll suck for you, but if you try and stick your nose in - it just won't go well.

Also, Lioness - sent you a PM :smallsmile: (or at least, I will have in about 5mins after I actually write it :smallsmile:)

[Rowsen]

There is no one but me giving me grief about my weight. BF doesn't mind at all, and the family rarely even mentions it.

I just don't like the way I look naked in a mirror. Other people don't really have anything to do with that; it's self-perception, and whether I'm confident in my own body. I'm not, at the moment, and that bothers me.
If it helps, I think you look lovely.

[Lady Moreta]

If it helps, I think you look lovely.

That is true. I've seen pictures of you - you're adorable :smallsmile:

[Skeppio]

If it helps, I think you look lovely.


That is true. I've seen pictures of you - you're adorable :smallsmile:

Agreed. I think I've said it before, but you look fine. Beautiful even. :smallsmile:

Take care of yourself, k?

[Archpaladin Zousha]

Well, I tried talking to my mom tonight. She made a snide comment and I called her on it, which eventually escalated into a full-blown shouting match.

She ripped me to shreds, stating that she'd worked her butt off in at least three separate jobs to keep me out of the school district's autism program and get me into college, thinking I would be successful and I'd prove her doubters wrong. Instead, I'm 22, unemployed, without a driver's license and with a useless degree (English Lit, while she thinks I should have gone into accounting or computer science, which are apparently the fields autistic people are most successful in), while the kids who just sat in the autism program have jobs at places like Wal-Mart or Target, and their mothers don't have mountains of debt because they just shipped them off to group homes. Which, she says, makes her a monumental fool. She kept repeating that over and over again, saying that she was a fool.

She went on to mention an episode she'd had in conferences. Apparently in eighth grade, I had made a comment to a teacher in middle school. We were in the middle of a sex-ed unit and I'd apparently said I didn't plan on having children because I didn't want to pass on my autism (I don't remember this incident). That teacher not only repeated this to my mother, but also said that she thought it was a wise and considerate decision on my part.

She then proceeded to complain about the double standards and glass ceilings autistic people are forced to live under in our society, preaching acceptance and tolerance when they actually don't want to be around us because we're weird. According to her, she has no professional credibility in the school district because she advocated for my brother and me in school instead of just letting the district push us off to the wayside, citing numerous times where she apparently went behind the scenes to see that I got the same opportunities normal students had, and how that alienated her from the rest of the staff to the point that now they're just looking for an excuse to fire her. She claims that they've told her that if she ever criticizes the schools' special education policies or how they handle the treatment of autistic students ever again, they will terminate her.

I tried to say that I loved her, but she seems convinced that all of her kids (me, my autistic brother and relatively normal brother and sister) hate her now, simply because she asks us to do things. She expressed a great deal of frustration at me because according to her, I start things but never finish them, such as running to lose weight or getting my drivers' license.

In short, she believes she has no respect from anybody in the world. She even said she should just leave since everyone would likely be happier without her (she didn't mean suicide, I don't think, just leaving us and going off on her own).

She said she thought that if she worked hard, got that college degree and that job, got that house, got married and had those kids, and prayed to God and everything, she'd have something of a normal life, but because autism permeates our family, she thinks everyone will view her and the rest of us as second-class citizens.

I have no freaking clue what to do. It's getting to the point where I have to actively avoid her if I want to have peace for either of us.

[Lady Moreta]

I have no freaking clue what to do. It's getting to the point where I have to actively avoid her if I want to have peace for either of us.

Oi... I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it *hugs*

My impression? I get the distinct feeling that your mother is simply dissatisfied with her life, and she's taking it out on you. Does she act this way with your other siblings? Are you the only one who really stands up to her? It could simply be that she's using you as a verbal punching bag because you fight back.

From what you've said - how she thinks she should just leave, she feels like a fool etc... it's all about her. I see nothing in there that shows any level of concern for what you have had to go through, in living with aspergers. I don't consider it to ever be appropriate for a parent to take their frustrations out on their child, which honestly, is what it sounds like your mother is doing to you.

I really think you've got the right idea. Just stay away from her. Perhaps in time she'll mellow, or you'll get a job and you'll be able to move out. But for now, her attitude is hurting you both (and your whole family you said earlier). Be polite. Be caring. But don't get too close.

[Lioness]

Hey guys. Update on me.

I'm happier today. And the whole vegetable thing is looking good; mum realised that local supermarket does a "cram as many veggies into a bag as you can and it will cost $2". So tonight we had corn and capsicum and broccoli and strawberries and mango. As well as chicken.

[Lady Moreta]

Good to hear :smallsmile:

Wish our supermarket did 'cram as many in for $2' sounds like a good deal.

and that dinner sounds yummy. Thank you, now I'm hungry :smalltongue:

[Rawhide]

Hey guys. Update on me.

I'm happier today. And the whole vegetable thing is looking good; mum realised that local supermarket does a "cram as many veggies into a bag as you can and it will cost $2". So tonight we had corn and capsicum and broccoli and strawberries and mango. As well as chicken.

Woooo. That's excellent news.

That also sounds really quite delicious... can I have some?

[SMEE]

Glad to hear that, Lioness. :smallsmile:

[Skeppio]

Hey guys. Update on me.

I'm happier today. And the whole vegetable thing is looking good; mum realised that local supermarket does a "cram as many veggies into a bag as you can and it will cost $2". So tonight we had corn and capsicum and broccoli and strawberries and mango. As well as chicken.

Nice, Lioness! And I wish our local supermarkets did a $2 Grab-Bag of veggies. Sounds delicious. :smalltongue:

[Coidzor]

Hey guys. Update on me.

I'm happier today. And the whole vegetable thing is looking good; mum realised that local supermarket does a "cram as many veggies into a bag as you can and it will cost $2". So tonight we had corn and capsicum and broccoli and strawberries and mango. As well as chicken.

Rawsome! Also, I'm jealous because I've never run into anything like that for fresh produce before. ...and kinda hungry by the mental image even though I just had some mongoliumaian beefs.

And I just learned that peppers are relatives of nightshade and tomatoes. Wowza! @_@

[Moonshadow]

soooo. I'm going to go see a GP on monday about my depression. Don't get excited, it's only a bulk-billing Medicare GP because thats all I can afford, not having health insurance (which is pricey as is!). So I guess it's entirely possible that I'll come away with anti-depressants. I think. I'm not quite sure how it works on the first visit.

Anti-depressants are scarrrrrrrrrry.

[Rawhide]

soooo. I'm going to go see a GP on monday about my depression. Don't get excited, it's only a bulk-billing Medicare GP because thats all I can afford, not having health insurance (which is pricey as is!). So I guess it's entirely possible that I'll come away with anti-depressants. I think. I'm not quite sure how it works on the first visit.

Anti-depressants are scarrrrrrrrrry.

Woohoo! And I will get excited because this is a great first step.

Also, you may be able to see a psychologist for free or at a subsidised rate:

Ask the psychologist if you have to pay
Some psychologists are free. Some work at community health centres or schools and are paid by the government. Some psychologists work privately and you will probably have to pay them. When you make an appointment ask how much it will cost you.

Private health insurance may pay part of what it costs for you to see a private psychologist. If you have private health insurance, ask the company how much they will give you back.

Getting free sessions with your psychologist under medicare
The mental health psychology Medicare items involve two categories - 'General' psychology services and 'Specialist' clinical psychology services.

Both general and specialist psychology services can only be provided to people with 'an assessed mental disorder' that is being managed by a GP under a GP Mental Health Care Plan or a psychiatrist assessment and management plan, or on direct referral from a psychiatrist or a paediatrician (for treatment of a child).

All psychology Medicare services are limited to a maximum of 12 individual sessions per client per calendar year, with a review by the doctor who referred you required after the initial six sessions. In addition, you will also be eligible for 12 group session services, where appropriate, in a calendar year. Check out this fact sheet on Medicare for more info.

For more info, check out the APS site at www.psychology.org.au or the Department of Health and Ageing's website at www.health.gov.au/mbsonline.
Source: http://au.reachout.com/find/articles/psychologist

[Lady Moreta]

soooo. I'm going to go see a GP on monday about my depression. Don't get excited, it's only a bulk-billing Medicare GP because thats all I can afford, not having health insurance (which is pricey as is!). So I guess it's entirely possible that I'll come away with anti-depressants. I think. I'm not quite sure how it works on the first visit.

Anti-depressants are scarrrrrrrrrry.

Good :smallsmile: It is something to get excited about. This is a good step in the right direction.

Definitely ask about payment options - I know the counsellor Peregrine & I saw a few times had rates on a sliding scale based on your income. Since we had no income that we were aware of, we didn't have to pay much.

If you're nervous about drugs, write up a bunch of questions and have them ready to ask the doctor. :smallsmile:

... and why am I writing this here when I'm talking to you on msn?

[Kjata]

Well, I post on this website about my fear of alcoholism, and what is my sate of mind less than 24 hours later? So ****ing drunk i can hardly even see. I can barely even type. But theres a lot bothering me and this is the place to talk about it, right?

Don't read if you are under 18 and have parents who love you.

I hate myself. I utterly fail a everything I care about. School, serious relationships, everything that a contributing member of society has. What am I good at?

Basically being the person soccer moms are terrified of. I destroyed somebodies life I went to highschool with. I got her to start smoking and drinking, because i wantedto have sex with her friend. It didn't even happen, and now I will always think of the person who I completely ****ed over.

I introduced my best friend to marijuana, and now he is the stereotypical stoner. Lazy, no future. All he does is smoke.

I introduced some other friends of mine to harder stuff. One guess as to where that led. I post on here from time to time about my friend addicted to heroin. True, I never gave him the big H. But i built a bridge for him to cross to it.

To be honest, I think society as a whole would be better of without me and people like me.

EDIT: The poster above me said he was talking to somebody on msn. That's another problem. I don't have a person I can tell my problems too. I can't tell family because it would crush them, and I can't tell friends because fellings dont come up.

I feel like I have 3 people living in one body. The smooth, doesn't-give-a-**** partier, the gamer, and the deeply tortured soul who hates all 3 personalities.

[Lillith]

@ Naoto Shirogane: You took a very good and very important step! Be proud of yourself! Also if the person you're going to talk to wants to prescribe you meds and you think you need more then that, don't be afraid to tell him/her! Tell the person that you want to talk about it, it's their job.

@ Kjata: I don't know you and I don't know how much you played a part in other peoples lives and have 'f***ed them up'. If what you say is true then you did make some mistakes in your life BUT. And here's the but, that does not mean you can't become proud of yourself. You admit to feeling bad about these events so if anything else you have a conscious and that's a good thing! I don't know in what kind of environment you live or what your life looks like but don't give up, you can make your life turn around. You could try to talk to a professional about this, get advice about how to turn your life around. Keep trying at school, try to be nice and polite to others maybe? Maybe you could volunteer for a charity, like a pound (if you want to avoid lots of human contact). Start with small steps, it is possible but you're the only one who can take that first step. Sorry if this isn't helping, but really it's not too late.

[Moonshadow]

I'm fine with the meds. Well, I would be if I knew what they were going to do to me. People keep telling me they take the ones that have zombie side effects off the market :smallfrown:

[Lillith]

Then I'd advice you to google some different brands and their side effects. The great thing about the internet these days is that there's bound to be a website out there that has them listed. :smallwink: You can always tell a doctor/therapist you rather not have X meds cause of X side effects.

Edit: Here's one that might help? (http://www.consumerreports.org/health/resources/pdf/best-buy-drugs/Antidepressants_update.pdf) More of a general guide though.

[Kjata]

Haha... You say its not too late to change. Yet you say to things I could never do.

I have a loving family. I have everything I could ever want. It's not my environment. It's me. I'm a horrible person. And it can' be coincidence that everyone I hung out with in highschool went from sober to ****ed up.

I used to thnk the D.A.R.E. ads were bull****, but i think differently now. People like me WILL **** you up.

[Serpentine]

Naoto...

Life...Life is precious. You won't listen to me when I say that. But it is.

When you've literally had two lives stolen from you, you may understand but please just trust me for now...

I can assure you that you will be missed. You wouldn't think it... But you will.

Lost lives devastate people. Families, engagements, marriages, children...

All partially destroyed in some way...All losing a precious piece.

Don't do that to people who love you.

Even I, who've recently lost an unborn child and a lover, fiance and beautiful woman. Acknowledge that one day, maybe no day soon, but one day things will return a smile to my face. One day....

So please... Don't just throw life so casually away, okay?Well. This is a little more significant, now.

I am sorry to break the mood here. Truly. However this is one thread listed on his history multiple times so I feel he'd have wished you to know. Zenanarchist commited suicide tonight... Not long after I'd finished visiting him... He will be greatly missed by all that knew him. I'm sure he'd have wished to say goodbye. So for him, goodbye.
:various emoticons:

[rakkoon]

@Kjata
Well, you're not a sociopath who doesn't care he did something wrong. That is a first step. The rest should come when you are sober :smallsmile:
You made mistakes, apparently some major ones. Okay. There's that. Now what are you going to do about it? Can you talk to the people whose life you have influenced in a bad way? Can you promise yourself not to do it again? Can you at least try to? They answer is yes or you wouldn't be talking to us. So there is a way out. You need to persevere though. Which is not easy but a goal that is worth aspiring to. Right?

Also, watch the language sonny :smallwink:

@ScionOfBlades
Sorry for your loss...I'll pray for them.

[Lady Moreta]

Well, I post on this website about my fear of alcoholism, and what is my sate of mind less than 24 hours later? So ****ing drunk i can hardly even see. I can barely even type. But theres a lot bothering me and this is the place to talk about it, right?

EDIT: The poster above me said he was talking to somebody on msn. That's another problem. I don't have a person I can tell my problems too. I can't tell family because it would crush them, and I can't tell friends because fellings dont come up.

I feel like I have 3 people living in one body. The smooth, doesn't-give-a-**** partier, the gamer, and the deeply tortured soul who hates all 3 personalities.

*hugs* Lillith is right you know, just because you hate yourself and blame yourself doesn't mean you can't turn that around. Do try and remember that no matter what you may have done, your friends had to make their own choices and they chose to do drugs and drink. You can't take responsiblity for their choices. They could have walked away.

Kjata, you need help. Contact an AA group or something similar. You cannot keep doing this on your own. You need the help. You need someone to talk to, and help you with this.

You say you don't have another person to talk to - but you do. You have us here, isn't that why you posted? I'm the person who was talking on msn, if you want someone to talk to, I'm happy to add you too. Send me a PM if you'd like :smallsmile:

... just saw your post Serps... oh hell... :smallfrown: I really didn't think he'd do that... Damn...

[blackfox]

I'm fine with the meds. Well, I would be if I knew what they were going to do to me. People keep telling me they take the ones that have zombie side effects off the market :smallfrown:FWIW: Everyone does react differently to antidepressants. If you're concerned about side effects, they'll probably try to start you on one with few side effects. If you're experiencing too many/too unpleasant side effects, then you should go back in to the same doctor that prescribed them and ask to switch to a different medication. Basically you'll be able to switch around until you find something that works for you.

[Coidzor]

Basically you'll be able to switch around until you find something that works for you.

Unless you're very, very fortunate, they pretty much are going to have to put you on a couple to see how they work from what I recall.

[Lady Moreta]

Unless you're very, very fortunate, they pretty much are going to have to put you on a couple to see how they work from what I recall.

This is true. My husband has been on - three (I think?) different types of anti-depressant and each of those has been varying dosages as well. Doctors know what they're doing, they'll work with you. The key is to get in touch with them straight away if something doesn't feel right.

[Moonshadow]

Yes'm, but my problem is that I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if the GP is just going to say "here, try this, if it doesn't work, come back", or tell me to get a second opinion first.

Twas hard enough just getting the courage to go to the first doctor :smallfrown:

[Lady Moreta]

Yes'm, but my problem is that I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if the GP is just going to say "here, try this, if it doesn't work, come back", or tell me to get a second opinion first.

Twas hard enough just getting the courage to go to the first doctor :smallfrown:

*hugs* Well good for you for getting the appointment in the first place :smallsmile:

From experience, and this being my husband's, not mine personally... there is a questionnaire type thing they get you to fill out, and from that it gives a pretty good indication of whether or not you have depression - and let's face it, you've got depression.

From there, husband got prescribed a pretty mild anti-depressant - they don't start you on the strong stuff right away. My husband actually ended up at the doctor through seeing a counsellor, who told him that he most likely had it but would need to see a doctor to have a diagnosis confirmed. He continued seeing the counsellor though, and his best times are those when he's seeing someone and taking the medication.

The doctor will quite likely suggest you see a counsellor of some sort, and I strongly recommend that you do. It will help a lot.

[Helanna]

*snip*

Like Lady Moreta said, first thing you should do is contact some sort of AA group. You already have one advantage - you know you have a problem, and you can do something about it.

For the rest of it, it seems like you feel like a terrible person because of stuff you did in the past. Yeah, it seems like you made some really terrible mistakes, but it doesn't make you a bad person - again parroting Moreta, it's not like you forced drugs and alcohol onto people. That lazy stoner friend? He's not a 'lazy stoner' because you introduced him to marijuana. He's lazy and not going anywhere with his life because he doesn't want to. That's his fault, not yours. And just because you introduced someone to drugs, doesn't mean that it's your fault they jumped into harder stuff. They knew what they were doing.


Haha... You say its not too late to change. Yet you say to things I could never do.

I have a loving family. I have everything I could ever want. It's not my environment. It's me. I'm a horrible person. And it can' be coincidence that everyone I hung out with in highschool went from sober to ****ed up.

I used to thnk the D.A.R.E. ads were bull****, but i think differently now. People like me WILL **** you up.

Of course it's not coincidence - people with similar tendencies hang out together. You probably just hung out with the group that had a weakness for stuff like that. By that logic, you could say any one of your group was responsible for everyone else's problems. Everyone there made their own choices - it's not your fault at all.

And again, knowing that there's a problem is always the first step to fixing it. Contact some sort of AA or addiction group in your area, even just to go to one or two meetings. You have the chance now to nip this right in the bud. You probably don't WANT to go to a meeting, but the longer you wait, the worse it's going to get.

And DARE is still crap, incidentally. They're just so very inefficient.


I'm fine with the meds. Well, I would be if I knew what they were going to do to me. People keep telling me they take the ones that have zombie side effects off the market :smallfrown:

You should also ask your doctor about other, more natural treatments as well. I'm NOT saying 'don't get meds', because it definitely seems like you would benefit from them. But there are other things that can help lift depression - a better diet, regular exercise, probably some other stuff - that can really help as well. My mom was on antidepressants for years, and they certainly helped, but she was still fairly depressed a lot of the time. Almost a year ago now, in addition to the meds, she started going to the gym regularly, eating a lot healthier, and generally getting her life in shape (quitting a job she hated, fixing up the house, etc.) and she is a lot happier now. So it's worth looking into.

[blackfox]

Yes'm, but my problem is that I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if the GP is just going to say "here, try this, if it doesn't work, come back", or tell me to get a second opinion first.

Twas hard enough just getting the courage to go to the first doctor :smallfrown:Anecdotal evidence from someone in the US: I got told 'How about we start you on this because it's approved for minors and it's usually very well tolerated' (i.e. few side effects.) 'If it doesn't work we'll try increasing the dosage, if that doesn't work we'll switch to something else.'

I got lucky, with one dosage increase the first drug worked.

[Haruki-kun]

Twas hard enough just getting the courage to go to the first doctor :smallfrown:

The important thing is that you did. And for that, I'm proud. *hugs*

[Archpaladin Zousha]

Oi... I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it *hugs*

My impression? I get the distinct feeling that your mother is simply dissatisfied with her life, and she's taking it out on you. Does she act this way with your other siblings? Are you the only one who really stands up to her? It could simply be that she's using you as a verbal punching bag because you fight back.

From what you've said - how she thinks she should just leave, she feels like a fool etc... it's all about her. I see nothing in there that shows any level of concern for what you have had to go through, in living with aspergers. I don't consider it to ever be appropriate for a parent to take their frustrations out on their child, which honestly, is what it sounds like your mother is doing to you.

I really think you've got the right idea. Just stay away from her. Perhaps in time she'll mellow, or you'll get a job and you'll be able to move out. But for now, her attitude is hurting you both (and your whole family you said earlier). Be polite. Be caring. But don't get too close.

Yeah, I am the easiest target, since she can hurl blame at me for having the useless degree and not getting the driver's license. My brother Andrew, who also has autism, has been keeping his head down ever since she flew of the handle about him not having the proper paperwork for his learner's permit test, and then failing it when he got the proper paperwork, my dad just takes the vitriol (He's incredibly mellow, and has served as her rock all throughout their marriage. Apparently what I'm seeing is just what he's seen throughout their marriage and didn't notice because I was to young to understand and she hid it better back then. He had to watch me and Mom fight last night, and though he agrees that she needs help, he didn't involve himself because he didn't want to make it worse, and told me afterwards that I basically had thrown a rock at the hornet's nest by trying to stand up to her). My other siblings are both normal and they're away at college, so they don't have to put up with her. She'll act the same way to my other siblings, but they either don't escalate things like I apparently did last night, or they're simply not around so all she can do is gripe about them.

I've thought she would mellow several times, and each time it just seems to have gotten worse and worse. She taught me a long time ago not to use my autism as a crutch or an excuse, and I've never pulled the "have you ever thought about MY problems, growing up with autism, etc?" She'd just bark at me that her problems are so much worse and that she's been through so much more garbage than I'll ever have to put up with, that if it weren't for her my life would have been a lot crappier. The worst thing I can think of that's happened to me was sitting on a toilet seat covered in crazy glue in middle school. She was sexually abused by her own brother.

[arguskos]

You know, I don't think this is quite the right place for the thought I've been kicking around for awhile now, but it doesn't really fit elsewhere so here will have to do.

I've realized I no longer want a relationship. Studying psychology, philosophy, sociology, observing human behavior, and critical thought/reflection about my relationships has led me to the belief that this thing called love doesn't really exist. Allow me to expand.

Everyone wants something, and that something is always at the expense of someone else. Love is understood as a feeling of selflessness on the part of one person towards another person, and it is this feeling that does not seem to exist. I've never seen it, never experienced it, science says love is chemicals and nothing else, philosophy says love doesn't really exist, psychology says that love is self-delusion (depending on who you ask, of course), the evidence seems to be that an unconditional feeling of selflessness and caring is a lie, that it does not (and may not be able to) exist.

I want that feeling of unconditional caring, but given all the evidence I've accumulated thus far, it doesn't seem possible, and so I've determined that I don't want a relationship anymore. There is no point to sharing life with someone who has conditions on their time, friendship, and companionship, and I've got better things to do than waste my time fulfilling the conditions of others so I can then give them even MORE of my time, and maybe get a response, maybe. It just doesn't seem worth it.

I don't really know why I'm posting this. I guess I just wanted to see what other people thought. I'm expecting to be flamed into the ground for saying it, since last time I aired any thoughts even vaguely similar to this, I was ridiculed out of the room, but I still want to know, I guess, masochistic as that is.

[Lioness]

You know, I don't think this is quite the right place for the thought I've been kicking around for awhile now, but it doesn't really fit elsewhere so here will have to do.

I've realized I no longer want a relationship. Studying psychology, philosophy, sociology, observing human behavior, and critical thought/reflection about my relationships has led me to the belief that this thing called love doesn't really exist. Allow me to expand.

Everyone wants something, and that something is always at the expense of someone else. Love is understood as a feeling of selflessness on the part of one person towards another person, and it is this feeling that does not seem to exist. I've never seen it, never experienced it, science says love is chemicals and nothing else, philosophy says love doesn't really exist, psychology says that love is self-delusion (depending on who you ask, of course), the evidence seems to be that an unconditional feeling of selflessness and caring is a lie, that it does not (and may not be able to) exist.

I want that feeling of unconditional caring, but given all the evidence I've accumulated thus far, it doesn't seem possible, and so I've determined that I don't want a relationship anymore. There is no point to sharing life with someone who has conditions on their time, friendship, and companionship, and I've got better things to do than waste my time fulfilling the conditions of others so I can then give them even MORE of my time, and maybe get a response, maybe. It just doesn't seem worth it.

I don't really know why I'm posting this. I guess I just wanted to see what other people thought. I'm expecting to be flamed into the ground for saying it, since last time I aired any thoughts even vaguely similar to this, I was ridiculed out of the room, but I still want to know, I guess, masochistic as that is.

I'm just simply going to say that I believe it exists. I've been in love, and I am in love. The great thing about relationships that work is that there is no condition on time, friendship, and companionship. Or if there are, they're not major issues.

[WalkingTarget]

You know, I don't think this is quite the right place for the thought I've been kicking around for awhile now, but it doesn't really fit elsewhere so here will have to do.

I've realized I no longer want a relationship. Studying psychology, philosophy, sociology, observing human behavior, and critical thought/reflection about my relationships has led me to the belief that this thing called love doesn't really exist. Allow me to expand.

Everyone wants something, and that something is always at the expense of someone else. Love is understood as a feeling of selflessness on the part of one person towards another person, and it is this feeling that does not seem to exist. I've never seen it, never experienced it, science says love is chemicals and nothing else, philosophy says love doesn't really exist, psychology says that love is self-delusion (depending on who you ask, of course), the evidence seems to be that an unconditional feeling of selflessness and caring is a lie, that it does not (and may not be able to) exist.

I want that feeling of unconditional caring, but given all the evidence I've accumulated thus far, it doesn't seem possible, and so I've determined that I don't want a relationship anymore. There is no point to sharing life with someone who has conditions on their time, friendship, and companionship, and I've got better things to do than waste my time fulfilling the conditions of others so I can then give them even MORE of my time, and maybe get a response, maybe. It just doesn't seem worth it.

I don't really know why I'm posting this. I guess I just wanted to see what other people thought. I'm expecting to be flamed into the ground for saying it, since last time I aired any thoughts even vaguely similar to this, I was ridiculed out of the room, but I still want to know, I guess, masochistic as that is.

What, WT posting in the Depression Thread? How odd.

Anyway, I feel you, arguskos. Well, at least somewhat.

I'm not opposed to being in a relationship, but I understand how seeking one out can be a dubious proposition. I don't actively seek out relationships (which seems to really confuse my family/friends). The few that I've had more or less fell into place after being around her socially for a while (well, from my perspective, things may have been plotted on her end of things ahead of time that I'm unaware of). I've been happy in relationships (and the breakups have always been sad, not angry), but to want one as an abstract, just because it is expected that everybody should be in one and is somehow "incomplete" without one, is a seemingly popular belief that I just don't follow.

So, for myself at least, I'd amend your statement in such a way that I don't want a relationship with somebody for whom there are conditions on their time, friendship, and companionship. If I find somebody that fulfills this condition, fine. If not, that's fine too.

[cycoris]

Arguskos:
I think you may be somewhat idealising unconditional caring. I think it does exist, but it's not some magical thing that just happens and you're filled with sunshine and happy feelings and caring for the other person. It's a constant series of choices. You always want to make the one that will help the other person and make them feel loved, but sometimes the only way you manage to do that is through the sheer force of your willpower, and sometimes you fail utterly, but love is the thing that makes you willing to try again even after you disappoint them or fail them somehow.

Just my two copper.

[RabbitHoleLost]

You know, I don't think this is quite the right place for the thought I've been kicking around for awhile now, but it doesn't really fit elsewhere so here will have to do.

I've realized I no longer want a relationship. Studying psychology, philosophy, sociology, observing human behavior, and critical thought/reflection about my relationships has led me to the belief that this thing called love doesn't really exist. Allow me to expand.

Everyone wants something, and that something is always at the expense of someone else. Love is understood as a feeling of selflessness on the part of one person towards another person, and it is this feeling that does not seem to exist. I've never seen it, never experienced it, science says love is chemicals and nothing else, philosophy says love doesn't really exist, psychology says that love is self-delusion (depending on who you ask, of course), the evidence seems to be that an unconditional feeling of selflessness and caring is a lie, that it does not (and may not be able to) exist.

I want that feeling of unconditional caring, but given all the evidence I've accumulated thus far, it doesn't seem possible, and so I've determined that I don't want a relationship anymore. There is no point to sharing life with someone who has conditions on their time, friendship, and companionship, and I've got better things to do than waste my time fulfilling the conditions of others so I can then give them even MORE of my time, and maybe get a response, maybe. It just doesn't seem worth it.

I don't really know why I'm posting this. I guess I just wanted to see what other people thought. I'm expecting to be flamed into the ground for saying it, since last time I aired any thoughts even vaguely similar to this, I was ridiculed out of the room, but I still want to know, I guess, masochistic as that is.

I used to think that way. So much that I asked my best friend to marry me, because I'd just given up. No one was ever going to love me as unconditionally as my best friend, and, you know, I wasn't ever going to trust someone or love someone as much as I loved him.
Even if it wasn't romantic love.
I had high standards. High conditions. I wasn't going to bend for anyone. I refused to budge an inch.
Noone was ever going to meet those standards, and, hell, if noone was going to, I wasn't going to worry myself with a serious relationship.

I can't speak for everyone. I can't speak for most people, really, because I'm a little messed up and I don't think like the normal people do.
When you meet someone, when you fall in love...you won't care. And they won't care. And you're willing to bend, and hopefully, they're willing to bend and meet you in the middle.
So much that its not even bending, its just flowing. You just both want to make the other happy enough for it to work.

And, you know, this relationship for me is still young, so I can't say for certain that this is how a relationship should be.

But I know for certain you're wrong.
Love exists.
Atleast for me. And, I hope, someday for you, if you should want it.

[WalkingTarget]

So much that its not even bending, its just flowing. You just both want to make the other happy enough for it to work.

This is actually a much better way of explaining what makes it worth it than the end of my above post.

[arguskos]

I'm just simply going to say that I believe it exists. I've been in love, and I am in love. The great thing about relationships that work is that there is no condition on time, friendship, and companionship. Or if there are, they're not major issues.
And for you, I'm glad. Someone has to find happiness after all, or we wouldn't have the concept.


I'm not opposed to being in a relationship, but I understand how seeking one out can be a dubious proposition. I don't actively seek out relationships (which seems to really confuse my family/friends). The few that I've had more or less fell into place after being around her socially for a while (well, from my perspective, things may have been plotted on her end of things ahead of time that I'm unaware of). I've been happy in relationships (and the breakups have always been sad, not angry), but to want one as an abstract, just because it is expected that everybody should be in one and is somehow "incomplete" without one, is a seemingly popular belief that I just don't follow.

So, for myself at least, I'd amend your statement in such a way that I don't want a relationship with somebody for whom there are conditions on their time, friendship, and companionship. If I find somebody that fulfills this condition, fine. If not, that's fine too.
See, this is really my point. Conditions seem to exist, and I am railing against them. Conditions on friendship, companionship, time, caring, why must there always be conditions? Does no one really believe that simply caring about another person unconditionally is worth while? From my experience, no.

And, I should be honest and fair, I'm not exempt from this. When I realized I was placing conditions on friendship and companionship too, I made a vow to try my damnedest to avoid it, to really care about my fellows without preconditions or prices, and I've made some limited success. Not much, but I try.


Arguskos:
I think you may be somewhat idealising unconditional caring. I think it does exist, but it's not some magical thing that just happens and you're filled with sunshine and happy feelings and caring for the other person. It's a constant series of choices. You always want to make the one that will help the other person and make them feel loved, but sometimes the only way you manage to do that is through the sheer force of your willpower, and sometimes you fail utterly, but love is the thing that makes you willing to try again even after you disappoint them or fail them somehow.
I just don't see it, I really don't. This doesn't ever seem to happen. We humans seem to just exist for us, and damn anyone who gets in our path. I'm guilty of this as much as anyone, and I hate it. I try to change my ways, and I hope others do too, but we as human beings seem dead-set on being bastards, on pricing things that should be free.

I just don't see it, I really don't. I wish I did.


I used to think that way. So much that I asked my best friend to marry me, because I'd just given up. No one was ever going to love me as unconditionally as my best friend, and, you know, I wasn't ever going to trust someone or love someone as much as I loved him.
Even if it wasn't romantic love.
I had high standards. High conditions. I wasn't going to bend for anyone. I refused to budge an inch.
Noone was ever going to meet those standards, and, hell, if noone was going to, I wasn't going to worry myself with a serious relationship.

I can't speak for everyone. I can't speak for most people, really, because I'm a little messed up and I don't think like the normal people do.
When you meet someone, when you fall in love...you won't care. And they won't care. And you're willing to bend, and hopefully, they're willing to bend and meet you in the middle.
So much that its not even bending, its just flowing. You just both want to make the other happy enough for it to work.

And, you know, this relationship for me is still young, so I can't say for certain that this is how a relationship should be.

But I know for certain you're wrong.
Love exists.
Atleast for me. And, I hope, someday for you, if you should want it.
I used to want it. I don't anymore. What's the point, I ask you, in striving for something that doesn't appear to exist? All my experiences, all the evidence, it all says to me that love and true caring are illusions, lies we tell ourselves to feel better about our mistakes. I won't claim that whatever you feel is false, I'm sure it's quite real for you. I'm just saying that I really don't think it exists for such as me.

*shrug* Love, to me and from my experiences, remains a falsehood.

[Coidzor]

:smallconfused: It's more like you can't meet or get to know someone without conditions rather than people viewing unconditional affection as bad.

[Destro_Yersul]

*shrug* Love, to me and from my experiences, remains a falsehood.

To me, and from my experiences, it does not. For my part, love is very much real. My conclusion, therefore, is that either you haven't found it yet, or you're analyzing it too much.

[The Rose Dragon]

Then start thinking about what you're doing to sabotage yourself. Can you give any examples? Being aware of the behaviours is the first step to doing something about it. If you know what you're doing, you can train yourself to start recognising and stopping yourself before you get too far.

Well, for one example, overuse of the word "but". For example, if someone suggests something that can improve my life, my immediate response is "Yes, but (insert excuse here)". I'm trying to reduce it, but it's not going very well.

[Lady Moreta]

*snip*

Wow. I feel for you and your mother. She's clearly got many problems of her own. But she shouldn't be taking them out on you. Steer clear and hope that you can keep the peace.

I'm sorry she's using you as a verbal punching bag though *hugs*

Edit: Rose Dragon
Well, for one example, overuse of the word "but". For example, if someone suggests something that can improve my life, my immediate response is "Yes, but (insert excuse here)". I'm trying to reduce it, but it's not going very well.

I do the 'but' thing all the time myself. It has to be one of the most annoying things ever. Try teaching yourself to take things at face value. Try to bite off the 'but' until you've at least tried their suggestion. Realise that they are simply trying to help you :smallsmile:

[CynicalAvocado]

i need to vent
my younger brother got accepted to Texas Tech monday. i wish i could be happy for him and everthing but i cant because i look at my life and see where he has outperformed me in everything, he was the first to get a girlfriend, the first to get the arrow of light and eagle scout (boy scout stuff). he passed his driving test with a 98 on the first time, i failed twice. he has his own car, i dont, he gets into a mejor university, i can barely stay in junior college. in band, every thing instrument touches he touches he is amazingly good at, i was lucky to get last chair in symphonic band he was first chair every year. he has tons of loyal friends, my only friends are online (i love y'all btw). ii've never had a girlfriend, he's had 12. i'm mediocre in my chosen trade, he's amazing at it.
so here i am, 18, going nowhere in life and he has a bright future ahead of him.



i don't get it, i'm the older brother, he's supposed to be the loser, not me

[Lady Moreta]

i need to vent
my younger brother got accepted to Texas Tech monday. i wish i could be happy for him and everthing but i cant because i look at my life and see where he has outperformed me in everything, he was the first to get a girlfriend, the first to get the arrow of light and eagle scout (boy scout stuff). he passed his driving test with a 98 on the first time, i failed twice. he has his own car, i dont, he gets into a mejor university, i can barely stay in junior college. in band, every thing instrument touches he touches he is amazingly good at, i was lucky to get last chair in symphonic band he was first chair every year. he has tons of loyal friends, my only friends are online (i love y'all btw). ii've never had a girlfriend, he's had 12. i'm mediocre in my chosen trade, he's amazing at it.
so here i am, 18, going nowhere in life and he has a bright future ahead of him.

i don't get it, i'm the older brother, he's supposed to be the loser, not me

Wait? You're only 18, and he's younger than you, and yet he's already had 12 girlfriends? Call me old-fashioned, but that's not an achievement to be envious of...

Most important advice anyone can ever have: do not get caught up in the poison that is comparing yourself to another person. Especially if that person is a good friend or a sibling.

Remember that you are not your brother, and you shouldn't be expected to be good at the same things, nor should you be expected to be like him in anyway. Next time you start feeling like this - start going through all the things that you are good at. Especially if they're things that he's not so good with. No one is good at everything.

Stop looking at your life through the lens of your brother, and start looking at it with regards to what you want out of life. You feel you're mediocre in your job? (so am I for what it's worth)... would extra training help? Do you want to get better? Go get yourself some extra training. Is your job really right for you? Start looking for something else. Think about what CynicalAvocado wants from life, not what he thinks he should be doing. Have you ever talked to your brother? It's highly likely he's just as jealous of you as you're feeling of him.

[CynicalAvocado]

Wait? You're only 18, and he's younger than you, and yet he's already had 12 girlfriends? Call me old-fashioned, but that's not an achievement to be envious of...

Most important advice anyone can ever have: do not get caught up in the poison that is comparing yourself to another person. Especially if that person is a good friend or a sibling.

Remember that you are not your brother, and you shouldn't be expected to be good at the same things, nor should you be expected to be like him in anyway. Next time you start feeling like this - start going through all the things that you are good at. Especially if they're things that he's not so good with. No one is good at everything.

Stop looking at your life through the lens of your brother, and start looking at it with regards to what you want out of life. You feel you're mediocre in your job? (so am I for what it's worth)... would extra training help? Do you want to get better? Go get yourself some extra training. Is your job really right for you? Start looking for something else. Think about what CynicalAvocado wants from life, not what he thinks he should be doing. Have you ever talked to your brother? It's highly likely he's just as jealous of you as you're feeling of him.


we've had talks and things almost get resolved, then he gets really condescending and the moment goes away

[Lady Moreta]

we've had talks and things almost get resolved, then he gets really condescending and the moment goes away

Then he's just being a jerk - ignore him :smallsmile:

Seriously, it's time you focused on yourself. What makes you happy. What makes you feel good about yourself. What you're proud of. Your accomplishments, no matter what. Start making a list, write down everything you can think of - no matter how small.

Remember that you are unique :smallsmile:

[CynicalAvocado]

Then he's just being a jerk - ignore him :smallsmile:

Seriously, it's time you focused on yourself. What makes you happy. What makes you feel good about yourself. What you're proud of. Your accomplishments, no matter what. Start making a list, write down everything you can think of - no matter how small.

Remember that you are unique :smallsmile:

thanks:smallsmile:
i'm probably going to give junior college another semester then try and get into henderson

[Lady Moreta]

thanks:smallsmile:
i'm probably going to give junior college another semester then try and get into henderson

You're welcome :smallsmile: Good luck with that.

[Ranger Mattos]

i need to vent
my younger brother got accepted to Texas Tech monday. i wish i could be happy for him and everthing but i cant because i look at my life and see where he has outperformed me in everything, he was the first to get a girlfriend, the first to get the arrow of light and eagle scout (boy scout stuff). he passed his driving test with a 98 on the first time, i failed twice. he has his own car, i dont, he gets into a mejor university, i can barely stay in junior college. in band, every thing instrument touches he touches he is amazingly good at, i was lucky to get last chair in symphonic band he was first chair every year. he has tons of loyal friends, my only friends are online (i love y'all btw). ii've never had a girlfriend, he's had 12. i'm mediocre in my chosen trade, he's amazing at it.
so here i am, 18, going nowhere in life and he has a bright future ahead of him.



i don't get it, i'm the older brother, he's supposed to be the loser, not me

As Lady Moreta said, don't let yourself get caught in comparing yourself to another person. That almost happened to me, and I realized that it doesn't help with anything.

I don't think it should, but if it matters to you, I'm sure there must be something that you're better than him at.

[KingOfLaughter]

This is not a directed saying, it is a general saying. Life is hard, this I know. I spent time years ago contemplating and I almost did. If I had known how to use my weapon better, I would not be posting this. My life got low, so very very low. I failed at my own attempt, and to say it. I'm glad I did, now I have built up my mental defenses to any and all outside influence. I came to the brink looked into the abyss, and the abyss looked into me. But the abyss was not enough and I pulled back. Now I stride long and heavy, my head held high. Even at the lows I'm at now I know it can get better, and I strive for that. So before you attempt anything. I hope you can think of this.

[Lady Moreta]

*snip*

Well said, my friend. Well said :smallsmile:

*hugs*

[KingOfLaughter]

Thanks, I figure someone should benefit off my ****ups.

*hugs back*

[MonkeyBusiness]

This is the sort of thread that, when you read it for the first time, you can't start with the most recent post. So I went back and read ... and read ... and read ...

Before I post anything about myself, I'd like to address a few words to some of you dear people. I've put my comments in spoiler boxes, not because they are private, but because they are abundant and that seemed the best way to organize them.

To Emerald Rose:I hope your pregnancy is going well, that you are finding health coverage, and that the employment frontier is yielding to Andre's persistance. Good luck to you.

To Barbarian Monk: Walk on!

To Cynical Avacado: I'd like to second what Moreta said. I am the eldest of three siblings. As a teen I hated it when my younger sisters could do certain things better than I could. But I slowly realized I could do some things better than they ... and together we make an awesome sister-team. So I thought I was over my jealousy ....

Until I was 35 and they started having babies ... and I couldn't. I had to come to terms with my feelings all over again. I was shocked to discover how much women are still judged and valued based on fertility! I mean, I didn't get invited to parties because all the parents in the neighborhood wanted to be exclusive. (I know it seems dumb, but I was devastated at the time.)

I felt like such a failure, compared to my younger sisters! So I told my sisters how I felt (I'm lucky they are the kind of sisters who listen) and the things they said really helped me feel better. Their respect and love for me wasn't altered by my circumstances. In fact, they thought I was pretty tough! And they expressed some interesting opinions about the jerks who excluded me from parties based on reproductive "status".

I am sorry your brother is being condescending when you try to talk to him. You don't deserve that. You will have to ignore him.

Go be the best you that you can be. Trying out for junior college? Rock on, Avacado! Your life is your adventure!

And I am willing to bet a month's worth of banannas that your brother will at first act even more like a condescending jerk, because any change scares a person such as himself.

But eventually he will be just as relieved as you. Because when two people are in competition, even the person who seems to have the advantage is under stress. So being yourself will help you both in the long run.

Now go be fabulous!

Oh, and two more notes ...

Twelve girlfriends? :smallyuk: I imagine the ex-girlfriends might have a different perspective on him. I mean, if he was such a fabulous catch, he'd still be with the first one.

And did I see that you fix airplanes?!?! Wow! That is so freaking cool!

To Moreta: You rock. Thank you for the time you take to share your insights and compassion here. And ... I hope the people in your office have learned how to answer a phone. What a bunch of self-important poop-heads! :smallmad:

To Haruki-kun: I love you.

To Lioness: Keep eating. I sometimes forget to eat and it makes everything worse. I learned to keep easily digestible food around for those "Wait, I haven't eaten all day, no wonder I feel like crap," realizations. Stuff like apples, carrots, yogurt, pudding, chicken or vegetable soup. Healthy, easy on the tummy, and quick. Keep a package of peanut butter crackers or an energy bar in your backpack or purse, for emergency protein! Maybe you could install one of those mini-fridges in your new room so no-one noshes on your emergency rations.

And regarding that room: I hope it's turning out to be awesome. Think of it as a "cottage" or an "artist's studio" or the "secret lab" rather than "the shed". I mean, it can be whatever you want it to be! Do something cool to it to define it as Your Place, not an exile. (Second-hand shops are fun for this kind of thing!) And in a way it's a mark of trust - and a reward - that you get the old study, not your sister.

To Naoto Shirogane: Please don't be afraid of anti-depressants. They can give you the time and the emotional equilibrium you need to learn good coping skills. It's hard to do that when crushed by despair or distracted by anxiety.

Do be wary of doctors who don't listen to you, or respect your questions. A good question to ask is: "Why have you chosen to prescribe this particular medication for me?" Anti-depressants target very specific symptoms, so you can expect a very specific answer.

And do remember, if you take anti-depressants, to take them as prescribed. If you get a side-effect you don't like, tell your doctor and follow her advice. Okay?

To Rabbit Hole Lost: I was deeply moved by your post regarding your mother. I was also angered by it. I am sorry and angry she did those things to you, then left you ... and then posted you that photo. That was cruel of her.

I don't know you very well, but from what I have read from your posts in the Playground, I think you have a good mind and a good heart. Your mom abused and abandoned a treasure. I never had a chance to have kids; but if I had I would have been proud to have a daughter with your courage.

To Kjata:
College is important, but overcoming an addiction is even more important. You are brave enough to see you have an addiction, and honest enough to see the impact your alcohol and drug use has had on others. Addicts can be very manipulative of those they love, but you can learn how not to do that.

In my opinion, this is serious enough to put your school on hold and check yourself into a program. As you have noted yourself, you're failing out and your friendships are on the rocks: delaying treatment will only make things worse. I don't know enough about addiction to advise you on how to do this. May I suggest that you ask a school advisor for help.

And when they give you advice, take it. Promptly.

By the way, taking a hiatus to deal with your addictions is not the same as "dropping out". You might find that your school is very supportive of you. Trust me, they would rather have you take time off and come back stronger and sober. I would not be surprised if some of your professors and advisors have been through this themselves, or with a loved one. You might find you have some allies, if you look for them.



Be well.

[Cobra_Ikari]

This is the sort of thread that, when you read it for the first time, you can't start with the most recent post. So I went back and read ... and read ... and read ...

Before I post anything about myself, I'd like to address a few words to some of you dear people. I've put my comments in spoiler boxes, not because they are private, but because they are abundant and that seemed the best way to organize them.

*snip for length*

Be well.

Someone mentioned that you had done this. I think it's the sweetest thing ever.

*hugs* Thanks for giving me faith in people.

[Lady Moreta]

Twelve girlfriends? :smallyuk: I imagine the ex-girlfriends might have a different perspective on him. I mean, if he was such a fabulous catch, he'd still be with the first one.

See! I'm not the only one who thinks that's just wrong :smallsmile:

[QUOTE=MonkeyBusiness;9655357To Moreta: You rock. Thank you for the time you take to share your insights and compassion here. And ... I hope the people in your office have learned how to answer a phone. What a bunch of self-important poop-heads! :smallmad:[/quote]

Thank you :smallsmile: You've just made a fairly 'meh' Friday a little brighter.

And no, they still don't know how to answer a phone. I have given up hoping that'll change. On the other hand, the GM just told me to draft him an email about the disgusting state of the kitchen and he'll send it. I already sent one earlier this week, but I have no authority and am consequently easily (and frequently) ignored.

Ah well, I just have to hold out til next year when the husband goes back to work and then I'm outta here!

[Skeppio]

This is the sort of thread that, when you read it for the first time, you can't start with the most recent post. So I went back and read ... and read ... and read ...

Before I post anything about myself, I'd like to address a few words to some of you dear people. I've put my comments in spoiler boxes, not because they are private, but because they are abundant and that seemed the best way to organize them.

*snip*

Be well.

Monkey, you are fantastic. That was a wonderful thing you did and I'm proud to have another brilliant kind-hearted person like you here. :smallbiggrin:

Got any words for silly little Skeppio? :smallredface:

[rakkoon]

Funny thing is, I'm going to a physical therapist next week and my knee problems are located within my miniscus, which means minor surgery to have look in there. I don't feel too bad since my friend is getting a divorce ( I was best man), Zen just rejoined his family and I'm seeing my wife's maid of honour this weekend who got a serious case of MS when she was 27. In a wheelchair, problems with her memory, eyesight is going, etc.
I'm not too happy about my health but compared to the other people mentioned above I am the lucky one....

[Lady Moreta]

Got any words for silly little Skeppio? :smallredface:

I love you little bro :smallsmile:


Funny thing is, I'm going to a physical therapist next week and my knee problems are located within my miniscus, which means minor surgery to have look in there. I don't feel too bad since my friend is getting a divorce ( I was best man), Zen just rejoined his family and I'm seeing my wife's maid of honour this weekend who got a serious case of MS when she was 27. In a wheelchair, problems with her memory, eyesight is going, etc.
I'm not too happy about my health but compared to the other people mentioned above I am the lucky one....

Life is funny like that. I'm sorry you're having trouble with your knees... (doesn't that make getting a black belt rather difficult?)

I'm sorry about your friends problems too *hugs*

[Skeppio]

I love you little bro :smallsmile:

Thanks a lot. :smallredface:


Funny thing is, I'm going to a physical therapist next week and my knee problems are located within my miniscus, which means minor surgery to have look in there. I don't feel too bad since my friend is getting a divorce ( I was best man), Zen just rejoined his family and I'm seeing my wife's maid of honour this weekend who got a serious case of MS when she was 27. In a wheelchair, problems with her memory, eyesight is going, etc.
I'm not too happy about my health but compared to the other people mentioned above I am the lucky one....

Hope your surgery goes well, Rakkoon. I wish you a swift and safe recovery. :smallsmile:

[rakkoon]

Life is funny like that. I'm sorry you're having trouble with your knees... (doesn't that make getting a black belt rather difficult?)

I'm sorry about your friends problems too *hugs*

I got mah black belt on Thursday, did some cartwheels on Saturday without warming up. Baaaad idea.

Tx for the hugs on hugs day. I'm sorry he decided to get a divorce after being with her for 20 years (14 till 34) and for the 2 kiddies. Ah well.

[Eadin]

Hi guys, sorry it took so long...
I really want to thank everyone for their help and kind words.
I won't forget this.Things are okay now, there are plans for a surgery..
He just had a breakdown, like I had...
Things are okay again between my best friend and I...
Now I can finally focus on school
Really , thank you everyone :smallsmile:

[Skeppio]

Haha! That's fantastic news Eadin! After all you've been through, you're finally out of the woods. I couldn't be happier for you, Eadin. :biggrin:

Good luck in school, and have a great time. You've earned it after everything.

[Tiger Duck]

That's good news ^^ I'm happy for you Eadin.
But don't forget to occasionally just spend time on yourself.

[Lady Moreta]

Oh good, you got things sorted out in the end :smallsmile: Glad to hear it!

[Rawhide]

Haha! That's fantastic news Eadin! After all you've been through, you're finally out of the woods. I couldn't be happier for you, Eadin. :biggrin:

Good luck in school, and have a great time. You've earned it after everything.

She's not through the woods, she is the woods!


But, all joking aside, that is great news. Good luck and, as Captain Happy said, be sure to spend some time just on yourself.

[Lillith]

Hi guys, sorry it took so long...
I really want to thank everyone for their help and kind words.
I won't forget this.Things are okay now, there are plans for a surgery..
He just had a breakdown, like I had...
Things are okay again between my best friend and I...
Now I can finally focus on school
Really , thank you everyone :smallsmile:

Ohhh very good to hear Eadin! I'm really happy for you! ^^

[Moonshadow]

I do not feel well today. I feel a bit nauseous and blue.

I'm supposed to be doing things with my girlfriend this weekend, but right now, I just feel like I'm going to be a major embarassment, which makes my depressive feelings even worse :smallfrown:

I just wish that she could actually understand my depression. She knows I have it, but she is just incapable of understanding it. She just thinks I'm being sad, which makes it worse :smallfrown:

I don't always have a reason for feeling sad, sometimes I just can't help it. Sometimes I just wake up feeling this way, and I can't shake the deep blue funk.

I just wish I wasn't such an embarassing disappointment... :smallsigh:

[Fawkes]

I do not feel well today. I feel a bit nauseous and blue.

I'm supposed to be doing things with my girlfriend this weekend, but right now, I just feel like I'm going to be a major embarassment, which makes my depressive feelings even worse :smallfrown:

I just wish that she could actually understand my depression. She knows I have it, but she is just incapable of understanding it. She just thinks I'm being sad, which makes it worse :smallfrown:

I don't always have a reason for feeling sad, sometimes I just can't help it. Sometimes I just wake up feeling this way, and I can't shake the deep blue funk.

I just wish I wasn't such an embarassing disappointment... :smallsigh:

Sorry if you've covered this before - I haven't read back too far through the thread - but have you spoken to a medical professional about it?

I was diagnosed with depression way back when I was in junior high (maybe it was high school) and given medication, and it was a huge help. Even if medicine isn't your thing, talking to someone who has been professionally trained to understand could really help.

[Haruki-kun]

I do not feel well today. I feel a bit nauseous and blue.

I'm supposed to be doing things with my girlfriend this weekend, but right now, I just feel like I'm going to be a major embarassment, which makes my depressive feelings even worse :smallfrown:

I just wish that she could actually understand my depression. She knows I have it, but she is just incapable of understanding it. She just thinks I'm being sad, which makes it worse :smallfrown:

I don't always have a reason for feeling sad, sometimes I just can't help it. Sometimes I just wake up feeling this way, and I can't shake the deep blue funk.

I just wish I wasn't such an embarassing disappointment... :smallsigh:

I can't give more advice on it... just try to hold on, OK? It's not easy, but keep moving on.

A quote I like from a certain song (Gravity, by Maaya Sakamoto):


Maybe this time tomorrow
the rain will cease to follow,
and the mist will fade into one more today.

[Moonshadow]

Sorry if you've covered this before - I haven't read back too far through the thread - but have you spoken to a medical professional about it?

I was diagnosed with depression way back when I was in junior high (maybe it was high school) and given medication, and it was a huge help. Even if medicine isn't your thing, talking to someone who has been professionally trained to understand could really help.

I'm going to see a doctor on monday about it. Nothing much I can do till then, though.


I can't give more advice on it... just try to hold on, OK? It's not easy, but keep moving on.

A quote I like from a certain song (Gravity, by Maaya Sakamoto):

Thanks, Har. I just wish that I had some sort of magical understanding beam that I could to to make people realise that sometimes, yeah, I do get sad and mopey, and I don't necessarily have a reason for it, it just happens and I can't help that.

It's just doing my head in, you know? when you want help, but the people you ask just don't understand :smallsigh:

Thanks for putting up with me, y'all :smallsmile:

[Haruki-kun]

Oh, yeah, know what you mean there. My thoughts? Tell them...


Sometimes, yeah, I do get sad and mopey, and I don't necessarily have a reason for it, it just happens and I can't help that.

Exactly like that. Not to every single person you know. Only to a few of them.

[Moonshadow]

But that's the thing. I can say that all I like, but they might not understand that. I can't seem to make people understand it =/

*sigh* I'm honestly not looking forward to this weekend now. I was yesterday. Now, I just feel like I'm going to detract from it and make it unfun for my girlfriend. I don't want to do that. I would rather mope alone in my bedroom for the weekend then do that to her. I've messed up way too many events for her by being depressed, I don't want to add to the list.

Even if she says it doesn't bother her, I'm smart enough to know that it's a polite lie :smallfrown: I don't need people to mince their words or tiptoe around me, I just need patience and understanding :smallfrown:

[MonkeyBusiness]

I was going to post something about me today, but I decided to wait.

Skeppio:
Got any words for silly little Skeppio? :smallredface:

I have this: <!bighug!> :smallsmile: I think you're the bee's knees, kid.

Cobra:
Thanks for the warm fuzzies. :smallsmile: What a kind welcome!


Eadin:
I'm glad your dad is giving it a go. But I hope you know - not just in your mind but in your heart - that his wanting to give up chemo wasn't about not loving you.

[Haruki-kun]

To Haruki-kun: I love you.

Thank you. :smallredface:

[MonkeyBusiness]

But that's the thing. I can say that all I like, but they might not understand that. I can't seem to make people understand it =/

That's why you are going to the doctor on Monday. The doctor is one of the people who will undertand.


*sigh* I'm honestly not looking forward to this weekend now.

How essential are the events this weekend? If it's something like your girlfriend's birthday or graduation .... then you should probably go, at least for a little while.

But if it's just a social event, you don't have to go. Give yourself permission to stay home. Bring it up to your doctor, when you go on Monday, that your depression is affecting your social life this way, and that you want that to change. And - very important - let your girlfriend know that is what you are doing.


... I just feel like I'm going to detract from it and make it unfun for my girlfriend. I don't want to do that. I would rather mope alone in my bedroom for the weekend then do that to her. I've messed up way too many events for her by being depressed, I don't want to add to the list.

This is a related but separate issue you will want to discuss on Monday: your self-perception.


Even if she says it doesn't bother her, I'm smart enough to know that it's a polite lie

Okay, I'm going to have to take issue with that, one, Naoto.

You just said she doesn't understand you ... well, is it possible that you don't understand her? Is it possible that, in the throes of depression and low self-esteem you interpret her responses in the worst light?

If you want to stay home, then do. Tell her you feel down and would rather be home. Tell her you love her. And leave it at that.

Take it easy on yourself, and lie low this weekend if that's what you need. And don't mope ... watch a movie you like and eat something yummy. Or go for a walk in the woods and watch the leaves fall. A lot of depression comes from anxiety. Do something relaxing to dispel the worries.

And remember you have a lot of people who care about you.

.

[AshDesert]

Here it is, several hours later, and Zen's suicide is still preying on my mind. I retreated into sleep for a bit after a crying session, hoping that unconsciousness would help me cope, but I find myself blaming MYSELF for not having done more. I keep looking for indicators that showed he was in such dire need of help. But all of his messages here seemed to say, "I'm in great pain, but I'm coping." Had I read something other than that, I would have spoken up.

Bor, I understand how you feel (and you probably understand everything I'm about to say), but never blame yourself for someone else's suicide, especially when they did look like they were coping. I've seen what happens... that leads to a very dark place.

Anyway, venting I need to do
This sort of feeling comes and goes, but today I just couldn't shake the feeling that there's something just... not right about the world. It just seems like at some point in the past society went wrong and that's what's causing all the problems (mental, social, political, whatever) in the world today. It just feels like our brains aren't put together to work in a society of six and a half billion. Stupid Pink Floyd, planting all these thoughts in my head:smallyuk:

[Moonshadow]

That's why you are going to the doctor on Monday. The doctor is one of the people who will undertand.

This is the first time I'm going to a doctor though, not a return visit or anything. First time in I'd estimate 6 years.


How essential are the events this weekend? If it's something like your girlfriend's birthday or graduation .... then you should probably go, at least for a little while.

But if it's just a social event, you don't have to go. Give yourself permission to stay home. Bring it up to your doctor, when you go on Monday, that your depression is affecting your social life this way, and that you want that to change. And - very important - let your girlfriend know that is what you are doing.

They're not essential, but I would feel guilty if I did not go. I'm the type of person who will beat himself to exhaustion if I skip out on things that I have said I will do. It's not a very good habit, but it's just how I am.

I don't exactly have much of a social life to begin with, you know? I don't have many friends, and I'm terribly introverted. Being in groups makes me quite anxious and panicky if I don't know all of them. I am more than happy to stay at home, or just stay at my girlfriends place. That is my comfort zone, I guess. I never have any events that I want to do anyways, but I'm not sure if that's because I'm boring, or that I don't really enjoy many things apart from reading or playing games, or that my girlfriend is basically busy msot weekends/weekdays so that I don't see her very much, and when we do, I'd rather do her stuff.




This is a related but separate issue you will want to discuss on Monday: your self-perception.

I know =/ I have very very very low self esteem and confidence. Or rather, they're very easily taken away from me. Whenever I manage to start to build them up to the barest of socially tolerable levels, a well placed criticism or comment tends to knock me for 6 and I have to start all over again. I'm terribly bad with how other people percieve me; I'd like to say that it doesn't affect me, but it does, it really does.




Okay, I'm going to have to take issue with that, one, Naoto.

You just said she doesn't understand you ... well, is it possible that you don't understand her? Is it possible that, in the throes of depression and low self-esteem you interpret her responses in the worst light?

This is entirely possible, I guess. It's just... well, she is never unhappy. She is this amazing, limitless font of happiness. Nothing ever gets her down at all, and yet the tiniest of things, or even nothing at all is enough to send me into a deep blue funk. And yeah, I do have a problem with automatically assuming the worst about what people say, I'll admit that. I just find optimism hard to come by, it's a cross class skill for me =/


If you want to stay home, then do. Tell her you feel down and would rather be home. Tell her you love her. And leave it at that.

Take it easy on yourself, and lie low this weekend if that's what you need. And don't mope ... watch a movie you like and eat something yummy. Or go for a walk in the woods and watch the leaves fall. A lot of depression comes from anxiety. Do something relaxing to dispel the worries.

And remember you have a lot of people who care about you.


Thanks. But I can't stay home, because I know I will beat myself up about it and make it even worse on myself. I am the harshest taskmaster that anyone could ever set above me =/ My standards for myself are impossibly high.

I'll just have to deal with it in the only way I know how until I see a doctor. Bottle it all up and hope that none of it escapes for now.

As for the anxiety... that's hard to dispel. I have to keep myself constantly active on a mental level to stave it off, else it permeates everything =/ It doesn't help that I get extremely bored with just about all forms of repetition, either. That's why I escape into books and games.

Thanks for caring too, heh =)

[CynicalAvocado]

I'll just have to deal with it in the only way I know how until I see a doctor. Bottle it all up and hope that none of it escapes for now.


dont bottle up, vent to us :smallsmile:. if you bottle all your emotion up eventually it will destroy you.

[Lady Moreta]

I just wish that she could actually understand my depression. She knows I have it, but she is just incapable of understanding it. She just thinks I'm being sad, which makes it worse :smallfrown:

I don't always have a reason for feeling sad, sometimes I just can't help it. Sometimes I just wake up feeling this way, and I can't shake the deep blue funk.

I think others have covered the actual activities already, so I'm just going to comment on this. As the partner of a man who has depression almost identical to yours, I have to say that sadly - depression is incredibly hard to wrap your head around if you don't have it.

Peregrine has been activitely diagnosed and on medication for three years now, and I still struggle getting my head around it when he gets into one of his moods. The key for your girlfriend is to remember that you are not your depression. I have taken to telling my husband that I wish I could take the depression out and stomp all over it (he's going through a rough patch at the moment).

Has she actually said to you that she thinks 'you're just being sad'? Because if she's never actually said it, is it possible that Monkey is right, and that you're simply reading into her comments and behaviours things that aren't really there? Peregrine does this with me all the time.


Even if she says it doesn't bother her, I'm smart enough to know that it's a polite lie :smallfrown: I don't need people to mince their words or tiptoe around me, I just need patience and understanding :smallfrown:

Have you ever sat down with her and talked this out? You say you're smart enough to know it's a polite lie... how do you know? Is it because she's said something, or because you're assuming? Have you told her that you don't want her walking on eggshells, but that sometimes you will simply need a bit more patience?



You just said she doesn't understand you ... well, is it possible that you don't understand her? Is it possible that, in the throes of depression and low self-esteem you interpret her responses in the worst light?

Much as I agree with you, I also have to disagree. Knowing the situation that Naoto's girlfriend is in, it's highly likely that he's right. That it does bother her. It bothers the heck out of me that my husband has depression and can't concentrate on anything for more than five minutes. Yes, I struggle with it. Even after three years I struggle to separate the depression from the person, and to really understand what it does to his brain. Why should Naoto's girlfriend be any different?

The key is that I do know the two are separate, even if I sometimes have a hard time with it. And the simple fact is that I love my husband. No matter how many times he asks me 'why do you love me? I'm such a mess' - the answer is always the same. I love him because of who he is and because I know and I can see how much he's trying.

Naoto - ask your girlfriend to come with you. Get her a medical perspective on the situation as well as you. If you go to a counsellor, get her to come along to a couple of sessions, get them to articulate to her what's going on with you. Tell her (gently!) that you feel like she's not getting it and suggest/ask that she might want to find a support forum for partners/family/friends of those with depression. That was one of the things the doctor did who first diagnosed Peregrine - made sure that I had what I needed for my own support. Failing that, get in her touch with me. I'm not perfect at it, not by a long shot, but I do know what I'm talking about :smallsmile:

[Moonshadow]

She is coming with me to see the Quack. She's the only reason I'm going, if I have to be perfectly honest. My being depressed does stress her out, and I don't want to be the person who does that to her anymore.

I know. I'm just not the kind of person who would ever do things for myself. The only way I could would be if there was no one else in a 300 mile radius, then I'd have to take care of myself. Somehow, I don't think becoming a hermit is the answer though.

[Dogmantra]

Stuff about things:
Preeeeeeetty much everything recently does nothing but annoy, irritate, or if I'm lucky, merely irk me. School starts again on Monday; I've had over three weeks off, and have missed around half of school this year, though I've no idea if I'm actually ready to go back. There were talks of me taking the rest of this year off and starting fresh in September, which is looking to be what I might need, but there are so many problems with this that the fact it's even an option is making things worse in some respects, partly due to the fact that if I am going to take the rest of the year off, I have to choose to quickly. But my main problem is that I can barely go through a day when I'm not at school without being ridiculously: a) unmotivated and b) sad/annoyed/upset/irritated. Adding schoolwork into the equation... ugh, I dunno if I can cope.

[Mr. Moon]

I'm angry right now. Simmering, passive, draining anger.
That's all.
Just wanted to write it down somewhere.

[cycoris]

Dogmantra:
*hugs tight*

I'm here if you want to talk to anyone.

And on the taking a while off from school, it might be a good idea if it won't hugely screw up something you want to do later. Have you thought about getting a part-time job or volunteering somewhere so that you have a bit of structure to your week and have some motivation to at least doing something.

EDIT: Moon Called, if you want to vent or rant or just need someone to talk to, I'm here. Seriously. And the same goes to the rest of you people out there.

[Lady Moreta]

I know. I'm just not the kind of person who would ever do things for myself. The only way I could would be if there was no one else in a 300 mile radius, then I'd have to take care of myself. Somehow, I don't think becoming a hermit is the answer though.

Geee... that sounds familiar :smalltongue: I swear you're a younger version of my husband. I have to constantly push him to take care of himself as well.


Stuff about things:
Preeeeeeetty much everything recently does nothing but annoy, irritate, or if I'm lucky, merely irk me. School starts again on Monday; I've had over three weeks off, and have missed around half of school this year, though I've no idea if I'm actually ready to go back. There were talks of me taking the rest of this year off and starting fresh in September, which is looking to be what I might need, but there are so many problems with this that the fact it's even an option is making things worse in some respects, partly due to the fact that if I am going to take the rest of the year off, I have to choose to quickly. But my main problem is that I can barely go through a day when I'm not at school without being ridiculously: a) unmotivated and b) sad/annoyed/upset/irritated. Adding schoolwork into the equation... ugh, I dunno if I can cope.

Perhaps writing out the pros and cons of each option will help you figure it out. But it does sound like you need a decent amount of time off and space. *hugs*


I'm angry right now. Simmering, passive, draining anger.
That's all.
Just wanted to write it down somewhere.

*hugs* it's good that you got it off your chest :smallsmile: you know where to find us if you want to vent some more.

[CynicalAvocado]

this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2yeNzL7rTU)always helps me when i'm in one of... those moods.

[Mr. Moon]

Been listening to this. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMoCAXF-Cps) And I wrote a page-long rant that I doubt I'll show anyone, since it's very personal. But I'm feeling much better now.
Thanks to everyone who responded and IMed me. Seriously, thanks. :smallsmile:

[RabbitHoleLost]

Been listening to this. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMoCAXF-Cps) And I wrote a page-long rant that I doubt I'll show anyone, since it's very personal. But I'm feeling much better now.
Thanks to everyone who responded and IMed me. Seriously, thanks. :smallsmile:

Writing it out always, always helps I find.
And talking to people removed from the situation. Good friends you know who won't tell if there's a particular person who's the subject.
Take a nice long walk, perhaps with your mp3player.
Draw something, if that helps you.

As I'm likely the angriest person 'round these parts sometimes, I have bunches of tips for blowing off steam, if you'd like any of them.

[Jokasti]

So. Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life.
I woke up at 6:38 AM. I laid in bed for a couple minutes before I realized my clock had run out of batteries, and I had to check my phone for the time. I usually leave the house at 6:52 AM and arrive at school at 7:17 AM, and school begins at 7:25 AM. I also usually wake up at 6:10 AM, but my clock was out of batteries and didn't wake me up today. So I wouldn't take a shower, I'd just take one when I got home. I'm not too picky about that.
My mom flipped out.
Let's rewind. Happy Jokasti and sister, aged 9 and 7 respectively. The parents sitting us down in the family room to tell us that they didn't love each other and wouldn't be living together anymore. Yay. Two rooms, two families, two Christmases, and two lives. All ours. Yay. I honestly don't know why they broke up even now. I've gotten a few different answers from both, and I don't think they have one reason anymore. My mom says my dad cheated on her, my dad says she cheated on him. I honestly don't care. That was the day I lost interest in the world.
Fast forward 5 years ahead. My father is diagnosed with leukemia (acute myeloid leukemia, for those interested), and my mother with depression and insomnia. My father remarried a bitch, gaining one pretty cool stepbrother and one ADD bastard son of Satan. My mom went through boyfriends weekly. My mom doesn't sleep, instead prowling around the house to make sure me and my sister aren't awake. My grades start failing as I begin to need to actually study for my work instead of passing by on a Gifted and Talented level intelligence. I was charismatic enough to hide my apathy for a while, but soon I stopped caring about how people saw me. Friends began to stop talking to me, teachers called on me less, and I became invisible. My father goes into remission and has a bone-marrow transplant. I don't see him for seven and a half months. I don't care. He's found Jesus, and wants to tell everybody. It doesn't matter if we need some soda from the grocery store, he's telling the cashier his life story. I become an Agnostic Theist where I had previously been fluctuating between devout Christian and sardonic athiest. Pascal's Wager and all.
A few years later, now. Yesterday. I wake up late one too many times for my mother, and she snaps. I'm going to say this now: I am not a morning person. I can wake up any time after noon and stay up for three days, but I have a hard time waking up. I usually have a few alarm clocks set to ring at the same time to produce a sound loud enough to wake me, but a few were in disrepair (possibly from me punching them). I was left with one, and it died on me. My mom goes wild and starts hitting me and taking my keys from me and telling me to walk to school if I want to go. It usually takes 25 minutes at ~30 mph to get there. So... ~12 miles, conservatively. It took me three hours to get there on foot. I'm not exactly in the fittest shape, but I work out a few times a week and this wiped me out. On the way, I thought about how easy it would be to commit suicide. I've never really thought about it before, but walking there on two busy roads during busy traffic, I thought about how easy it would be to walk in front of a 50mph car, or fall off of a bridge. Almost no pain, and no one would miss me. Tonight I went to a bonfire for my church (I still go for my family even though I don't believe a word) and that made me feel... a little better about living. I'm at the age where I need to decide where I want to go with my life, and I'm really tired of my family telling me what to be.
Should I be worried about my apathy? I saw a therapist a while ago, but I lied to him about everything except my name, which I suppose is some sort of symptom. I lie a lot. I have a really hard time telling the truth. Should I be worried about my suicide daydreams? They were pretty fleeting, but very appealing. On the one hand, I don't have to worry about life. I may end up in some sort of Heaven, bored for eternity. Or Hell, working for eternity. Or the ground, which I think is the most likely. On the other hand, I have to worry about my legacy. My mom and dad, I don't really care about. I worry about my sister, my grandparents, one of my aunts and one of my uncles, and my best friend. I don't really know what to do.

[742]

magical depression understanding ray? well there was a link, i think i found it on these forums http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc to a lecture that helps people understand the neurochemical causes and that its not just "being sad".

[Lady Moreta]

*snip*

Wow. You did have a rough day... *hugs*

You've been feeling apathetic for quite a while now I get the feeling. I say that yes it's time you did something about it. It may not be complete depression, but it sounds like you need a safe place to decompress.

No matter how fleeting, thoughts of suicide should never be taken lightly. You need someone to talk to. Make an appointment with a counsellor/therapist again, and this time do your best to be honest with them. Even if all you can manage at first is to admit that you struggle with telling the truth - if they know about it, they can help you overcome it.

Try and fix the little things first. Get yourself some new batteries and clocks so you can get up on time. Mornings are the most horrible time of the day, I completely agree. If you can, get everything you need ready the night before so all you have to do is eat, shower and leave. If you can sort out the little things, the rest won't seem so huge. But I think it's time you got yourself some professional help *hugs*

[Rawhide]

magical depression understanding ray? well there was a link, i think i found it on these forums http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc to a lecture that helps people understand the neurochemical causes and that its not just "being sad".

And a much shorter one below, mostly about bipolar, but goes into how bad any depression can make you feel and why "snap out of it" doesn't work.


This video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKiAz6ndUbU) is primarily about bipolar disorder, but is highly relevant to all forms of depression, particularly to those resulting in suicidal thoughts and people caring for those with suicidal thoughts. Spoken by someone with a lot of geek cred and the experience to back up what he is saying.

Remember that it will get better. You may think that there is absolutely nothing for you and that there is no way things can get better, but it will. You need to see yourself through, you need to make yourself see it through.

[The Rose Dragon]

I'm exhausted lately.

I know I've been posting here a lot, and I probably sound like an attention whore, but I don't know where else to vent.

When I say exhausted, I mean emotionally and mentally. I'm just not having a good time lately, not really being motivated to do much other than stay alive, and every little detail I see in my life is like needles and thorns these days. I should be doing a lot of things that are not limited to sitting in my room, but I'm not, and I don't know why. I'm repeating the fourth year of college, my therapy is going through a very difficult period, my parents are having economical problems, and since my scholarship is cut by a large portion, I'm mostly dependent on them at this time.

And I'm just tired of not getting a break. The easiest method of coping seems to be avoidance, but it is certainly not the healthiest, and won't work well for me in the long run. I just don't know how else to deal with it.

[Mr. Moon]

I was left with one, and it died on me. My mom goes wild and starts hitting me and taking my keys from me and telling me to walk to school if I want to go.

...
Wait.
She hit you?
How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? Because your environment sounds really toxic. I think you should consider getting out.

[Admiral Squish]

I have Saturday, Sunday, and Monday to memorize 21 step-by-step procedures in order to pass my Nurse Assistant exam on Teusday, along with relearning all the hard numbers for the written portion of it. I pay $1000 to take the class, and $200 to take the test, and they couldn't figure out a way to schedule it so the test is WITHIN three months of finishing the freakin' class?!

So, needless to say, I'm a little stressed momentarily.

Let's not forget adding in the pressure that I promised mom I would be out of her house with a place of my own FOUR months ago, and failing this test just may push her patience over the edge and put me out on the curb. Winter is starting in a few weeks, and it's already too cold to go out without a jacket. This isn't just a 'potentially homeless' situation, this is 'potentially freeze to death in a ditch' situation.

[KingOfLaughter]

So. Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life.
I woke up at 6:38 AM. I laid in bed for a couple minutes before I realized my clock had run out of batteries, and I had to check my phone for the time. I usually leave the house at 6:52 AM and arrive at school at 7:17 AM, and school begins at 7:25 AM. I also usually wake up at 6:10 AM, but my clock was out of batteries and didn't wake me up today. So I wouldn't take a shower, I'd just take one when I got home. I'm not too picky about that.
My mom flipped out.
Let's rewind. Happy Jokasti and sister, aged 9 and 7 respectively. The parents sitting us down in the family room to tell us that they didn't love each other and wouldn't be living together anymore. Yay. Two rooms, two families, two Christmases, and two lives. All ours. Yay. I honestly don't know why they broke up even now. I've gotten a few different answers from both, and I don't think they have one reason anymore. My mom says my dad cheated on her, my dad says she cheated on him. I honestly don't care. That was the day I lost interest in the world.
Fast forward 5 years ahead. My father is diagnosed with leukemia (acute myeloid leukemia, for those interested), and my mother with depression and insomnia. My father remarried a bitch, gaining one pretty cool stepbrother and one ADD bastard son of Satan. My mom went through boyfriends weekly. My mom doesn't sleep, instead prowling around the house to make sure me and my sister aren't awake. My grades start failing as I begin to need to actually study for my work instead of passing by on a Gifted and Talented level intelligence. I was charismatic enough to hide my apathy for a while, but soon I stopped caring about how people saw me. Friends began to stop talking to me, teachers called on me less, and I became invisible. My father goes into remission and has a bone-marrow transplant. I don't see him for seven and a half months. I don't care. He's found Jesus, and wants to tell everybody. It doesn't matter if we need some soda from the grocery store, he's telling the cashier his life story. I become an Agnostic Theist where I had previously been fluctuating between devout Christian and sardonic athiest. Pascal's Wager and all.
A few years later, now. Yesterday. I wake up late one too many times for my mother, and she snaps. I'm going to say this now: I am not a morning person. I can wake up any time after noon and stay up for three days, but I have a hard time waking up. I usually have a few alarm clocks set to ring at the same time to produce a sound loud enough to wake me, but a few were in disrepair (possibly from me punching them). I was left with one, and it died on me. My mom goes wild and starts hitting me and taking my keys from me and telling me to walk to school if I want to go. It usually takes 25 minutes at ~30 mph to get there. So... ~12 miles, conservatively. It took me three hours to get there on foot. I'm not exactly in the fittest shape, but I work out a few times a week and this wiped me out. On the way, I thought about how easy it would be to commit suicide. I've never really thought about it before, but walking there on two busy roads during busy traffic, I thought about how easy it would be to walk in front of a 50mph car, or fall off of a bridge. Almost no pain, and no one would miss me. Tonight I went to a bonfire for my church (I still go for my family even though I don't believe a word) and that made me feel... a little better about living. I'm at the age where I need to decide where I want to go with my life, and I'm really tired of my family telling me what to be.
Should I be worried about my apathy? I saw a therapist a while ago, but I lied to him about everything except my name, which I suppose is some sort of symptom. I lie a lot. I have a really hard time telling the truth. Should I be worried about my suicide daydreams? They were pretty fleeting, but very appealing. On the one hand, I don't have to worry about life. I may end up in some sort of Heaven, bored for eternity. Or Hell, working for eternity. Or the ground, which I think is the most likely. On the other hand, I have to worry about my legacy. My mom and dad, I don't really care about. I worry about my sister, my grandparents, one of my aunts and one of my uncles, and my best friend. I don't really know what to do.

I've been through some of the same my friend. All through the lower grades, I constantly felt alone, everyone picked on me and I got to the brink, straight up to the edge, looked over in full. I tried that day but it didn't work. I'm glad it didn't. I know that no matter how much **** goes on and when it goes on, there's some reason some where to just sit down and realize it's not worth it.

Life is hard, alot harder for some. I'm here for you if you need it. Never think there's a reason to do it. There's always someone who will miss you. On here, hundreds of people will.

[KingOfLaughter]

I have Saturday, Sunday, and Monday to memorize 21 step-by-step procedures in order to pass my Nurse Assistant exam on Teusday, along with relearning all the hard numbers for the written portion of it. I pay $1000 to take the class, and $200 to take the test, and they couldn't figure out a way to schedule it so the test is WITHIN three months of finishing the freakin' class?!

So, needless to say, I'm a little stressed momentarily.

Let's not forget adding in the pressure that I promised mom I would be out of her house with a place of my own FOUR months ago, and failing this test just may push her patience over the edge and put me out on the curb. Winter is starting in a few weeks, and it's already too cold to go out without a jacket. This isn't just a 'potentially homeless' situation, this is 'potentially freeze to death in a ditch' situation.

Explain to your mom that stuffs not going as planned, your extremely stressed out, and that right now schools taking a huge toll on you. Explain to her that although you said you'd be out a few months back, some stuff has happened and your not. Offer to help around the house and if you can, offer to help with taxes. Hopefully she'll understand.

[arguskos]

This (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=173963) is disappointing. I knew the individual behind the name, and I felt he was a decent person. Instead, it has been revealed that he is a scumbag, the lowest of the low, to play with the emotions of a massive group of individuals in such fashion is foul. Moments like this remind me why it is I am so cynical towards my fellow man. Wherever you are, I hope karma finds you, and delivers your just reward.:smallannoyed::smallsigh:

[Lioness]

I wrote you a looooooong post, but then Opera eated it :smallfrown:

So I'll try again...it may not be as good.

I've been through a lot of similar situations to yours...I hope I can offer some kid of comfort.



Let's rewind. Happy Jokasti and sister, aged 9 and 7 respectively. The parents sitting us down in the family room to tell us that they didn't love each other and wouldn't be living together anymore. Yay. Two rooms, two families, two Christmases, and two lives. All ours. Yay. I honestly don't know why they broke up even now. I've gotten a few different answers from both, and I don't think they have one reason anymore. My mom says my dad cheated on her, my dad says she cheated on him. I honestly don't care. That was the day I lost interest in the world.

I've been here, though I was 6 and my sisters were 4. For years, it didn't bother me. I just packed a small bag and changed houses occasionally. It was an adventure.
Then I became a teenager...I got sick of having to pack up my life and move houses to spend a weekend with someone I really didn't enjoy spending time with. Packing up a small portion of my life every two weeks bothered me...it robbed me of a solidity that I craved, and I didn't really feel like I belonged at either house. It was probably a contributing factor to my depression.



Fast forward 5 years ahead. My father is diagnosed with leukemia (acute myeloid leukemia, for those interested), and my mother with depression and insomnia. My father remarried a bitch, gaining one pretty cool stepbrother and one ADD bastard son of Satan. My mom went through boyfriends weekly. My mom doesn't sleep, instead prowling around the house to make sure me and my sister aren't awake.

Haven't been here, but *hugs*. *doublehugs*, even, because that really sucks :smallfrown:


My grades start failing as I begin to need to actually study for my work instead of passing by on a Gifted and Talented level intelligence. I was charismatic enough to hide my apathy for a while, but soon I stopped caring about how people saw me.

I've been here...pretty much the exact same situation. I reacted in the same way. About halfway through last year it hit, and continued until halfway through this year. I stopped brushing my hair, I let it get long and split, and I didn't make any effort to interact with my peers...they probably didn't particularly enjoy interacting with me. I was bitchy, sarcastic, negative, and not at all fun to be around. But I didn't really care. I was me, right? The only person I made an effort around was my BF, but he noticed the difference, and didn't like it at all.


My mom goes wild and starts hitting me and taking my keys from me and telling me to walk to school if I want to go.

That's not at all cool :smallfrown:. I've got problems waking up in the morning...motivation issues. Why should I face the day? I don't feel like it. I don't want to. I faked sick and stayed home from school quite often, because I simply didn't want to get out of bed.
But hitting you and taking your keys? No. It doesn't really matter how old you are, that's not an acceptable. And also illogical. She's getting mad because you woke up too late to get to school...taking your keys makes you later.


On the way, I thought about how easy it would be to commit suicide. I've never really thought about it before, but walking there on two busy roads during busy traffic, I thought about how easy it would be to walk in front of a 50mph car, or fall off of a bridge. Almost no pain, and no one would miss me.

I've been here too. Never really seriously considering suicide, but just realising how easy, at least physically, it would be. How fragile we are. But people do care. We would miss you. No matter how much it seems like your family doesn't care, they do. They might hide it, but somewhere on a deep level, they would be absolutely devastated.



Should I be worried about my suicide daydreams? They were pretty fleeting, but very appealing.

If they were appealing, then yes. Suicide breaks lives...a friend I've grown up with for years attempted suicide 3 times in a week. I cried myself to sleep every night that week, and mum was constantly at the hospital helping her best friend (his mum) through it all. I blamed myself for not being there for him more. His mum blamed herself so, so much. For a good two weeks afterwards, if suicide was even mentioned I became a silent mess.
So see someone. A therapist, a help line, or even just constant rants on here. If it helps you, tell as many people as you need to to get things off your chest.


*hugs*

If you need someone to talk to, you're welcome to PM me.

[Cobra_Ikari]

...I feel broken in that I don't usually have an emotional response to death. It makes me feel...evil.

Does anyone else have this problem?

[KingOfLaughter]

...I feel broken in that I don't usually have an emotional response to death. It makes me feel...evil.

Does anyone else have this problem?

Me. I'm so far gone mentally that death is just Meh.

[Zeb The Troll]

Moments like this remind me why it is I am so cynical towards my fellow man.I find what this person did to be abhorrent. However, I think it's important to remember that just because some people are jerks or do jerk-y things, doesn't mean that People are jerks. As evidenced by the response on these forums, it seems apparent that this is an example of the exception and not the norm.

[arguskos]

I find what this person did to be abhorrent. However, I think it's important to remember that just because some people are jerks or do jerk-y things, doesn't mean that People are jerks. As evidenced by the response on these forums, it seems apparent that this is an example of the exception and not the norm.
Not the first time it's happened to me, and I'm naturally cynical anyways. Call it negative reinforcement (because that's precisely what it is :smallsigh:).

Sigh. Nothing else to say. Just... sigh. :smallsigh:

[Admiral Squish]

...I feel broken in that I don't usually have an emotional response to death. It makes me feel...evil.

Does anyone else have this problem?

*raises hand* The sad part is, I've lost four members of my nearby family, and I never cried for any of them. Three grandparents and an uncle. The uncle lived just down the street...

[KingOfLaughter]

*raises hand* The sad part is, I've lost four members of my nearby family, and I never cried for any of them. Three grandparents and an uncle. The uncle lived just down the street...

I have to say it, people like us, with no emotion. We're the ones that make the world move. We are the ones that respond with tragedy with not shock but clear thoughts.

[Cobra_Ikari]

I have to say it, people like us, with no emotion. We're the ones that make the world move. We are the ones that respond with tragedy with not shock but clear thoughts.

I don't think my thought process could ever be considered "clear". And while I don't go into shock, there's definitely lots of "not fully registering the tragedy past 'event' level" going on...

[KingOfLaughter]

I don't think my thought process could ever be considered "clear". And while I don't go into shock, there's definitely lots of "not fully registering the tragedy past 'event' level" going on...

When I see death my mind goes into, stay sharp, hide! It's mostly my paintball stuff (we get hit hard and it will knock you down, yay for max pressure) for real combat. My mind gets ready for someone to try to shoot me.

[Admiral Squish]

I have to say it, people like us, with no emotion. We're the ones that make the world move. We are the ones that respond with tragedy with not shock but clear thoughts.

But... there's nothing to react to. It's not like I'm fighting a dragon and my teammate has died. There's nothing that needs a response. It would be a gift were it a choice, I admit. The ability to soldier on in the wake of a tragedy until there's time to mourn properly would be respectable.

But I held my cousin as she cried the night my uncle died, and I couldn't feel anything. It wasn't shock, I just... didn't care. I couldn't even make myself feel anything about it.

[KingOfLaughter]

But... there's nothing to react to. It's not like I'm fighting a dragon and my teammate has died. There's nothing that needs a response. It would be a gift were it a choice, I admit. The ability to soldier on in the wake of a tragedy until there's time to mourn properly would be respectable.

But I held my cousin as she cried the night my uncle died, and I couldn't feel anything. It wasn't shock, I just... didn't care. I couldn't even make myself feel anything about it.

When my aunt died (she was basically my bestest friend at the time) I didn't cry, didn't feel a thing. I just stood there staring at the coffin. I was the only one not crying and I was the closest to her.

[Zeb The Troll]

Call it negative reinforcement (because that's precisely what it is :smallsigh:).Actually, that's not what negative reinforcement is. Negative reinforcement is when you increase the likelihood of a behavior (reinforce it) by the consequence of the behavior being removal (negative) of a stimulus.

Here's a good example (http://www.psywww.com/intropsych/ch05_conditioning/using_negative_reinforcement.html) to get an idea of how it works.

[Koury]

Random update:

So, objectivly, things are going well, I guess.

I got offered, and accepted, a paid position as website admin for the business my father co-owns. I accepted it for a few reasons, not the least of which being the other owner using the words "full time" and "work from home."

So good deal, right? Well... Thing is... I may or may not know exactly what I'm doing. The shop had a website (which used to be rather large before they got busted and the site got taken down). Well, now we have a website again (police stuff got dealt with), but its in its infancy. i'm supposed to grow it to what it was before, and then some. I'm supposed to spread the news that its back and all that around various affiliated sites, in addition to maintaining the site itself. I've got full Admin rights on the site and have, so far, been able to stumble through the Admin CP and find the buttons I need to press to do whats been asked so far, but its only been a day.

I'm nervous about how long I can keep this up.

[KingOfLaughter]

Random update:

So, objectivly, things are going well, I guess.

I got offered, and accepted, a paid position as website admin for the business my father co-owns. I accepted it for a few reasons, not the least of which being the other owner using the words "full time" and "work from home."

So good deal, right? Well... Thing is... I may or may not know exactly what I'm doing. The shop had a website (which used to be rather large before they got busted and the site got taken down). Well, now we have a website again (police stuff got dealt with), but its in its infancy. i'm supposed to grow it to what it was before, and then some. I'm supposed to spread the news that its back and all that around various affiliated sites, in addition to maintaining the site itself. I've got full Admin rights on the site and have, so far, been able to stumble through the Admin CP and find the buttons I need to press to do whats been asked so far, but its only been a day.

I'm nervous about how long I can keep this up.

My answer sounds blah but. You can look up online references for learning

[Koury]

My answer sounds blah but. You can look up online references for learning

I'm trying to crash-course it. I'm been able to do the things they wanted so far (getting the sites chat room thing up and getting the gallery up), but those were litterally just find the buttons in the Admin CP.

I kinda think I'm the least incapable person on the Admin team there. :smallsigh: That's not good.

[Lioness]

Well, I sure feel loved.

I've been in my room studying all day...the rest of the family somehow neglected to tell me that dinner was ready, and now it's cold.

:smallfrown:

[Admiral Squish]

Well, considering how, over the past hour I've just felt more and more like curling into a ball and crying at the hopelessness of my life, I think I need to give the playground needs a full picture of my current situation.

Backstory:

In the beginning of December, I got kicked out of the navy on trumped-up charges. Seeing as I had relatively sizable savings at the time, I was unconcerned. Couple this with the numerous promises the navy made about the conditions of my departure, and I thought I was doing pretty okay.

I decided to give living on my own a try. so, rather than fly home, I got an apartment in California and set up, intent to get a job quickly. In about three months, I'd put in more than a hundred applications at every store within an hour's commute (on the trolley, I had no car) and gotten a grand total of ONE interview. My savings were dry. I was reduced to sleeping on the floor, due to being unable to afford a patch for my now-punctured air mattress. I was living off a single peanut butter & jelly sandwich per day, because I couldn't afford to buy more bread. In the very end, I owed my roomie in excess of $600, including the money I bummed off him to pay for my plane ticket home.

I moved back in with my mother in Detroit in late April. (Not quite in the city, but only a few miles off.) When I moved back, we agreed that I would be out of the house and out of her hair by august. So, I started pounding the pavement here as well. For those of you who don't know Detroit, it has never been a pleasant place. But now, with the economy as it is, it is DEAD. The city rattles in it's shell like the dried up brain in the skull of a corpse. About a month before my deadline, with not a single callback, I decided I needed to change tactics. With a loan of $1000 from my mother, I signed up to take a Nurse Assistant class, hoping a skill would make me more marketable. I took the class, passed it, with a pretty good score I may add, and applied to take the test. Of course, bureaucracy kicked in. It's been three months since I finished the course, and I have the exam on Tuesday.


Now, onto the current factors.

Monetary:

Were you to total up my assets and express them in dollars, I would be worth a net price of -$6000. Breaking that down:
I owe $4000 to the Navy. Apparently, when they fired me against my will, they decided that, hey, it's not enough to make his life suck for two months (restriction is HELL) we're going to take BACK what we paid him. So, the navy has decided thy overpayed me, and I owe them $4000.
I owe $600 to my roomie who folated me for a month and a half, as well as paying, partially for my plane ticket.
I owe $1000 to my mother, for the class I took on her dime.
I owe another $400 in miscellaneous, smaller debts. Phone bills I canceled, a internet hookup in a barracks on the other side of the country, things like that.

I've been unemployed for most of a year, which is a pretty serious black spot on my employment history, and for some unknown reason, my applications are horrible enough that I've never even been considered deserving of an interview (only two exceptions to this, a Radio shack and a Macy's, Both in Cali).

So, in summary, I'm living entirely on my mother's dime, and my continued survival basically depends on her being willing to pay for my food.


Social:

Well, my entirety of human contact consists of my mother, my brother (<1/week) and my brother's gaming friends (~1/month). If you count online contact, there's this forum, Facebook, two actual friends on IMs (One of whom I think I only talk to because I have too few friends to be picky), and three people I sometimes RP with but don't really 'talk' to.

Overall, it's pretty safe to say I don't have any real 'friends' in the traditional sense of the word.

I've always been socially awkward, and now, with the city rapidly emptying of people and me being completely empty of funds, it's nearly impossible to meet people.


Physical:
Oooh, there's a boatload of body issues here.

I've put on about fifty pounds since I left the navy, and my doctor explained that basically, I can work out a thousand hours a week and I will still never be rid of my gut. Apparently the near-starvation conditions in California set my body into panic mode, and it apparently beleives I'm still storing up for famine. Whereas most weight is put on ABOVE muscle, my weight is carried underneath my muscle. So, unless I can somehow make my body use that fat instead of just eating my muscles, I'm going to, effectively, have a gut forever.

Then let's move onto another issue, my hair. Firstly, the hair on my head is perpetually greasy, despite daily washings, and has an absolutely terrible dandruff problem that seems immune to all but the strongest of anti-dandruff shampoos. Also, there's body hair: I have it. In spades. One of the fellows in the Navy commented it looked like I was 'wearing a bear pelt'. Plus, there's facial hair, which grows in so fast it looks like I didn't shave in the morning by afternoon. It was theorized by one of my boot camp instructors that I was at least partially werewolf.

A constant source of annoyance is that, despite the fact that I'm short and fat and look like the typical internet nerd, I spend at least an hour each day working out. whereas my brother never works out, and yet he's tall, slender, and looks relatively defined. I'm easily three times as strong.




Mental:

ADHD, firstly. Rather bad case of it. Mom can';t afford to pay the non-insured price of the medication I need, so I have to spend most of my time unmedicated and completely useless in terms of productivity, saving the pills for special occasions, like job interviews, classes, or tests.

I'm pretty sure I'm clinically depressed, though the Navy doctors dismissed this idea. I've got a family history of it on my dad's side, and I'm pretty sure that I've got most of the symptoms (Which incudes angsting loudly to the internet repeatedly).

Non-medically, there's loads of problems as well. Extremely low self confidence. Body issues (Mentioned above). Wounded pride due to being repeatedly rejected in employment, social endeavors, and romantic hopes. There's always the overly stubborn pride as well, the stuff that refuses to let me tell anyone just how bad I feel about everything. The part that makes me hate myself for being so weak and depressed and unproductive.

There's the usual suicidal thoughts, mostly revolving around the 'final solution' being the only realistic way to get out of my current situation.

Oh, and let's not forget the persistent paranoia and night-terrors ever since I watched the Marble Hornets videos. I'm still nervous around windows at night, and I can't sleep with the light off. It's been four months since I watched the videos. The other night I spent half an hour lying awake, heart thumping in my chest, staring at the ceiling, convinced utterly that SOMETHING was in my room and it was going to GET ME.


Romantic:

I beleive I quite possibly have the most girl-drama possible for a virgin. Of course, as is the trend these days, all of my 'relationships' have been long-distance, and have all ended spectacularly.

The most annoying part is that most of the time, I'm not even all that interested in having a girlfriend for sex. Mostly, I just want a girlfriend so I can hold hands, kiss, and cuddle. I know how gay that sounds, but I'm, a very physically affectionate person. I've never even kissed a girl not related to me. For 21, this strikes me 'unusual'.

[Lady Moreta]

...I feel broken in that I don't usually have an emotional response to death. It makes me feel...evil.

Does anyone else have this problem?

At times, yes. For me it seems to be related specifically to distance. I was with members of my family at the bedside of my grandmother when she died earlier this year. I cried at the funeral, and yet - for the most part, I have had no other reaction. I consider this to be in part because she was 98 and quite frankly, her death was a blessing. Also because my family are in New Zealand and I live in Australia.

A very close family friend (whom I have always called 'aunty') died last month from cancer. I briefly cried when my mother told me, and the rest of my time I have spent wondering why I don't seem to care more. Once again I have put it down to distance. Also the knowledge that the type of cancer she had was pretty much untreatable, so this result was inevitable.


Random update:

So, objectivly, things are going well, I guess.

I got offered, and accepted, a paid position as website admin for the business my father co-owns. I accepted it for a few reasons, not the least of which being the other owner using the words "full time" and "work from home."

So good deal, right? Well... Thing is... I may or may not know exactly what I'm doing. The shop had a website (which used to be rather large before they got busted and the site got taken down). Well, now we have a website again (police stuff got dealt with), but its in its infancy. i'm supposed to grow it to what it was before, and then some. I'm supposed to spread the news that its back and all that around various affiliated sites, in addition to maintaining the site itself. I've got full Admin rights on the site and have, so far, been able to stumble through the Admin CP and find the buttons I need to press to do whats been asked so far, but its only been a day.

I'm nervous about how long I can keep this up.

Good on you for the job :smallsmile: Remember that it's only been a day. Give yourself time. I was useless at my job the first day. After a few months though, I was so good at it they kept piling more onto me. Give yourself a chance :smallsmile:


Well, I sure feel loved.

I've been in my room studying all day...the rest of the family somehow neglected to tell me that dinner was ready, and now it's cold.

:smallfrown:

I love you :smallsmile: And I'm sorry your family forgot you :smallfrown: I've had friends do the same to me, and it royally sucks.


*snip*

Focus on the positives. You're stronger than your brother? Awesome :smallsmile: You did really well in the course, so you've got a good chance of doing well in the exam - good luck with that as well :smallsmile:

I know it's not easy, but try to focus on the positive aspects of all this. They're there if you look hard enough :smallsmile: *hugs*

[bluewind95]

...I feel broken in that I don't usually have an emotional response to death. It makes me feel...evil.

Does anyone else have this problem?

I have it, but I have come to realize that the shutdown is overlaying the rest of my feelings. It's not evil. Just means you're protecting yourself, likely.

[Gadora]

*snip*

I can't do much, but I can point you to a thread from back in February (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=146282) for a few ideas on helping with the ADHD. I really hope something from there will help.

[Cobra_Ikari]

I have it, but I have come to realize that the shutdown is overlaying the rest of my feelings. It's not evil. Just means you're protecting yourself, likely.

Protecting myself from what? =\

*hugs* Also, is good to see you again.

[Adumbration]

Real life friends don't look, blah blah blah.
I wrote a long post here, but in the end it can be condensed into a few sentences.

I don't know who I am. I don't know how other's really think of me.

And it scares me, for if I can't read people even to that extent, if I'm that thick, I might be a complete jerk - the kind everybody hates - and not even know it.

[Coidzor]

Generally speaking, the fact that you're worried about that suggests that you care enough to not be a jerk.

[MonkeyBusiness]

Look out. Monkey is on the warpath.

I am in the middle of trying to get ready to move across the country. I will be sad to leave my neighborhood, but the reasons for moving are wonderful and I am feeling very hopeful.

I am also feeling quite scared. It's a big move, and entails a great deal of change.

As if this was not sufficient, I am also having to deal with an Epic Level Moron in my building. He is the boyfriend of one of my next-door neighbors, not a tenant. He is bad news. Twice he was drunk and disorderly in the hallway at 3 in the morning. Countless times he's gotten into so-early-it's-still-dark-out altercations with my neighbor; one was so bad I had to call the police! Screaming, throwing dishes, slamming furniture, general fisticuffs ... it qualifies as a nuicance to say the least.

I tried to speak with my neighbor about it. I figured I could, because in the past we've been on good terms. I mean, I gave her a bunch of house plants and dishes and things, and we used to chat out the window all the time. She used to be one of my favorite things about living in this building. Her personality seemed to change after she started dating that guy.

So when we chatted I was really polite and concerned, but also very clear that that sort of disruption was not fair. She was receptive at first, but did nothing to change the situation. Then in subsequent conversations she became less receptive - and even defensive - because Who Am I to tell her how to live her life? :smallyuk: When the building manager wrote her up for after-hours noise nuicances, my neighbor blamed me - even though I'm not the only one who has complained. I am , however, a convenient scapegoat. And I guess thats easier for her than, I don't know, taking responsibility for her own actions?!

Meanwhile, the boyfriend continued to be disorderly, but with the new feature of angrily telling me off for "interfereing" when ever he saw me in the hall.

So this emmy-award-winning speck of humanity was finally banned from the building when the landlord was doing an inspection and could hear (through the door and down the hall) them fighting and throwing dishes at each other.

Good, I thought. It's all over and now I will have some peace and quiet.

But it did not happen that way. Because evidently my neighbor continued to "sneak" him into the building. (It's not very sneaky when the collaborators start to scream at each other, is it?)

So my neighbor was given a choice: stop letting him in, or find another place to live. She chose the latter. After that, both she and her (banned) boyfriend have harassed me, blaming me for getting her "evicted" (which isn't true, she chose option B) and making her "homeless" (also not true ... she's going to go live with her mom); and saying I'd "better not" call the police or the landlord any more.

I've spoken with the building manager and the landlord, who can't/won't take action. I spoke with the police, who said they can't do anything unless I'm being threatened with bodily harm. I find it upsetting that I have to wait until I'm being threatened to ask for help. But that's how it is.

I figured I could live with this until she leaves, and then enjoy my last two weeks.

But now I have been informed that she has received permission to have the Banned Boyfriend into the building to help her move. In order to do this, he has to go back and forth in front of my apartment door. So I really can't avoid him.

She claims that there is no-one else to help her, even though she's gotten at least two offers of help from fellow tenants and she has other friends and family who live close by. I find this maddening, too, because I don't have many people to help me move, either; and yet I am managing to do so without hysterics or abusing the rights of my neighbors.

I have made it very clear to both the landlord and the manager that I do not find this acceptable. He was banned from the building because he was perceived as a nuicance and a threat: this has not changed. Suddenly my "secure" building feels anything but secure.

Of course, the landlord and manager just want her out, and are willing to agree to anything to get her out ASAP. I get that ... but I don't think it's fair to have to run a gauntlet of angry glares and harassing comments. I pointed out that the lease clearly stipulates that the landlord has the power to ban anyone who is a potential threat or a nuicance; but that fell on unwilling ears.

It looks as if I will have to cope with the Unfair. :smallmad:

I did call my dad (who is familiar with real estate law and a generally Smart Cookie) and asked for his advice. He confirmed: it's not fair, but if the landlord won't act I'm out of luck. There is no recourse at this point. But it helped getting Dad's sympathy; and I think he was tickled that His Little Monkey called for advice. :smallsmile:

I also talked to some of my other neighbors and told them what was up. I was only told about this because the manager knows the neighbor and boyfriend have harassed me, so I should "avoid" them while they are moving out. (Interesting message there, eh? :smallannoyed: ) But I know I am not the only person who has been upset by this pair, so I asked three other neighbors to call and complain about this. I'm pretty sure all three have done so. I reckon: the landlord knows I'm moving so my complaints don't really matter anymore. But maybe if more people complain, it will have an effect.

And one of my neighbors - whom I just adore - gave me his number to call in case Banned Boyfriend starts to be a problem. This adorable neighbor works as a bouncer, so I really value his help! :smallbiggrin:

I feel a bit more encouraged knowing that, regardless of the situation, my other neighbors have my back. And I feel more cheerful and composed knowing I have done all I can to be get fair treatment and (even more important) to keep myself safe. Also, being able to vent here has helped me regain my emotional equilibrium. In short, I felt helpless before, but not as much now.

Meanwhile, I'm being careful. I take my dog with me when I go outside, and my cell phone close at hand. I also carry a big umbrella, which I have applied in the past to Bad Men at the bus stop.

I feel mostly safe, just sick of being pestered.

And mad at the injustice of it all.

.

[WarKitty]

Look out. Monkey is on the warpath.

I am in the middle of trying to get ready to move across the country. I will be sad to leave my neighborhood, but the reasons for moving are wonderful and I am feeling very hopeful.

I am also feeling quite scared. It's a big move, and entails a great deal of change.

As if this was not sufficient, I am also having to deal with an Epic Level Moron in my building. He is the boyfriend of one of my next-door neighbors, not a tenant. He is bad news. Twice he was drunk and disorderly in the hallway at 3 in the morning. Countless times he's gotten into so-early-it's-still-dark-out altercations with my neighbor; one was so bad I had to call the police! Screaming, throwing dishes, slamming furniture, general fisticuffs ... it qualifies as a nuicance to say the least.

I tried to speak with my neighbor about it. I figured I could, because in the past we've been on good terms. I mean, I gave her a bunch of house plants and dishes and things, and we used to chat out the window all the time. She used to be one of my favorite things about living in this building. Her personality seemed to change after she started dating that guy.

So when we chatted I was really polite and concerned, but also very clear that that sort of disruption was not fair. She was receptive at first, but did nothing to change the situation. Then in subsequent conversations she became less receptive - and even defensive - because Who Am I to tell her how to live her life? :smallyuk: When the building manager wrote her up for after-hours noise nuicances, my neighbor blamed me - even though I'm not the only one who has complained. I am , however, a convenient scapegoat. And I guess thats easier for her than, I don't know, taking responsibility for her own actions?!

Meanwhile, the boyfriend continued to be disorderly, but with the new feature of angrily telling me off for "interfereing" when ever he saw me in the hall.

So this emmy-award-winning speck of humanity was finally banned from the building when the landlord was doing an inspection and could hear (through the door and down the hall) them fighting and throwing dishes at each other.

Good, I thought. It's all over and now I will have some peace and quiet.

But it did not happen that way. Because evidently my neighbor continued to "sneak" him into the building. (It's not very sneaky when the collaborators start to scream at each other, is it?)

So my neighbor was given a choice: stop letting him in, or find another place to live. She chose the latter. After that, both she and her (banned) boyfriend have harassed me, blaming me for getting her "evicted" (which isn't true, she chose option B) and making her "homeless" (also not true ... she's going to go live with her mom); and saying I'd "better not" call the police or the landlord any more.

I've spoken with the building manager and the landlord, who can't/won't take action. I spoke with the police, who said they can't do anything unless I'm being threatened with bodily harm. I find it upsetting that I have to wait until I'm being threatened to ask for help. But that's how it is.

I figured I could live with this until she leaves, and then enjoy my last two weeks.

But now I have been informed that she has received permission to have the Banned Boyfriend into the building to help her move. In order to do this, he has to go back and forth in front of my apartment door. So I really can't avoid him.

She claims that there is no-one else to help her, even though she's gotten at least two offers of help from fellow tenants and she has other friends and family who live close by. I find this maddening, too, because I don't have many people to help me move, either; and yet I am managing to do so without hysterics or abusing the rights of my neighbors.

I have made it very clear to both the landlord and the manager that I do not find this acceptable. He was banned from the building because he was perceived as a nuicance and a threat: this has not changed. Suddenly my "secure" building feels anything but secure.

Of course, the landlord and manager just want her out, and are willing to agree to anything to get her out ASAP. I get that ... but I don't think it's fair to have to run a gauntlet of angry glares and harassing comments. I pointed out that the lease clearly stipulates that the landlord has the power to ban anyone who is a potential threat or a nuicance; but that fell on unwilling ears.

It looks as if I will have to cope with the Unfair. :smallmad:

I did call my dad (who is familiar with real estate law and a generally Smart Cookie) and asked for his advice. He confirmed: it's not fair, but if the landlord won't act I'm out of luck. There is no recourse at this point. But it helped getting Dad's sympathy; and I think he was tickled that His Little Monkey called for advice. :smallsmile:

I also talked to some of my other neighbors and told them what was up. I was only told about this because the manager knows the neighbor and boyfriend have harassed me, so I should "avoid" them while they are moving out. (Interesting message there, eh? :smallannoyed: ) But I know I am not the only person who has been upset by this pair, so I asked three other neighbors to call and complain about this. I'm pretty sure all three have done so. I reckon: the landlord knows I'm moving so my complaints don't really matter anymore. But maybe if more people complain, it will have an effect.

And one of my neighbors - whom I just adore - gave me his number to call in case Banned Boyfriend starts to be a problem. This adorable neighbor works as a bouncer, so I really value his help! :smallbiggrin:

I feel a bit more encouraged knowing that, regardless of the situation, my other neighbors have my back. And I feel more cheerful and composed knowing I have done all I can to be get fair treatment and (even more important) to keep myself safe. Also, being able to vent here has helped me regain my emotional equilibrium. In short, I felt helpless before, but not as much now.

Meanwhile, I'm being careful. I take my dog with me when I go outside, and my cell phone close at hand. I also carry a big umbrella, which I have applied in the past to Bad Men at the bus stop.

I feel mostly safe, just sick of being pestered.

And mad at the injustice of it all.
.

:smalleek: Well at least they're leaving. I might look into harassment laws as well, as those don't require active threats to kick in. Sucks for you though to put up with this.

[CynicalAvocado]

*snip*


i feel the best thing you can do here is on moving day you can,
A) lock your door and spend the day at home (computer, tv, video games)
or
B) lock your door and spend the day on the town with friends and family (they can't pester you if you're on the other side of town, ja?)

[Cobra_Ikari]

*hugs tight* I'm sorry, that's a sucky situation to be in. =\

[MonkeyBusiness]

I'm exhausted lately.

I know I've been posting here a lot, and I probably sound like an attention whore, but I don't know where else to vent.

Rose Dragon, you are not an attention whore: we'll let you know if you cross that line. Gently, fondly, firmly.

Venting is what we do here. Part of feeling better is getting it off your chest. And you know, it also helps everyone to see that we're not alone with our problems. If it didn't work that way, this thread would not exist.


When I say exhausted, I mean emotionally and mentally. I'm just not having a good time lately, not really being motivated to do much other than stay alive ...

Doesn't it sometimes feel like all the poo hits the fan at once? It's like, I just cleaned that up! Now I have to do it again! It really is exhausting. I wish I could hire a maid for my emotional life. (Or a zookeeper ....)

And that's why it's good you are just hunkering down for a bit. It's okay to do that. While you're right it's not a great long-term solution, if it's what you need to do for now, it's fine.

I'm sure you realize that hunkering down - if that is all you do - has the side effect of decreasing the amount of time you have to meet deadlines, which will only increase your stress. So when I say "hunker down", I don't mean "avoid everything". Take on a bite-sized part of a project you need to finish, and do it. Even if you do it shoddily, just get it behind you. You will feel so much better! Then reward yourself by hunkering down. (For me, that means snuggling into my jammies with a good movie and something warm to drink, and my pets cuddled up with me.) Repeat this process as necessary.

Your general experience sounds similar to what I went through my senior year in college. I discovered that talking to my professors helped. I didn't ask for a whole bunch of favors or tell them my entire life story: I just wanted them to know I wasn't just slacking, but that I was struggling to keep on top of my work and my life. I found they were willing to give me a little more wiggle room, and in one case I got some excellent advice about how to deal with the academic workload while staying sane.

Just knowing the professors were in my corner and weren't judging me solely on the appearant lack of performance really helped.

Remember this, too: while it's discouraging to have to repeat classes and so forth, and anxiety-provoking to feel that time and money are running out, you will eventually get your degree if you stick to it. And once you have that, no-one will ask you how long it took to get it, or how many credits you took per semester. It doesn't come with a time stamp.

So be persistant.

Now I'm going to go follow my own advice. I've been putting off posting my furniture on craigslist. Since I'm moving, and I can't take it all with me, I must do this. But I really would rather not.

*sigh* Anyone in the Northwest USA wanna buy some awesome vintage furniture (and thus help fund Monkey's Brand New Life)? :smallwink:

Post again later, Rose Dragon, and let us know how you're holding up.

.

[WarKitty]

On a non-depressed note:

So the other night (tuesday) I stayed up until 3am dealing with a friend in crisis. Then stayed up until 2am wednesday night at a study group for a thursday midterm. Have 3 thursday classes, got through those and did decently on the midterm. Was sort of giddy all day after the midterm, which was fun in that sort of mildly-drunk way that tiredness does. Got back that night, spent a few hours writing, and then went to bed. No friday classes, so slept in a bit and was fine.

Well I was thinking that through today, and I realized that 6 months ago I would have been suicidal after the first night. Yeah. This is good.

[AshDesert]

Look out. Monkey is on the warpath.

I am in the middle of trying to get ready to move across the country. I will be sad to leave my neighborhood, but the reasons for moving are wonderful and I am feeling very hopeful.

I am also feeling quite scared. It's a big move, and entails a great deal of change.

As if this was not sufficient, I am also having to deal with an Epic Level Moron in my building. He is the boyfriend of one of my next-door neighbors, not a tenant. He is bad news. Twice he was drunk and disorderly in the hallway at 3 in the morning. Countless times he's gotten into so-early-it's-still-dark-out altercations with my neighbor; one was so bad I had to call the police! Screaming, throwing dishes, slamming furniture, general fisticuffs ... it qualifies as a nuicance to say the least.

I tried to speak with my neighbor about it. I figured I could, because in the past we've been on good terms. I mean, I gave her a bunch of house plants and dishes and things, and we used to chat out the window all the time. She used to be one of my favorite things about living in this building. Her personality seemed to change after she started dating that guy.

So when we chatted I was really polite and concerned, but also very clear that that sort of disruption was not fair. She was receptive at first, but did nothing to change the situation. Then in subsequent conversations she became less receptive - and even defensive - because Who Am I to tell her how to live her life? :smallyuk: When the building manager wrote her up for after-hours noise nuicances, my neighbor blamed me - even though I'm not the only one who has complained. I am , however, a convenient scapegoat. And I guess thats easier for her than, I don't know, taking responsibility for her own actions?!

Meanwhile, the boyfriend continued to be disorderly, but with the new feature of angrily telling me off for "interfereing" when ever he saw me in the hall.

So this emmy-award-winning speck of humanity was finally banned from the building when the landlord was doing an inspection and could hear (through the door and down the hall) them fighting and throwing dishes at each other.

Good, I thought. It's all over and now I will have some peace and quiet.

But it did not happen that way. Because evidently my neighbor continued to "sneak" him into the building. (It's not very sneaky when the collaborators start to scream at each other, is it?)

So my neighbor was given a choice: stop letting him in, or find another place to live. She chose the latter. After that, both she and her (banned) boyfriend have harassed me, blaming me for getting her "evicted" (which isn't true, she chose option B) and making her "homeless" (also not true ... she's going to go live with her mom); and saying I'd "better not" call the police or the landlord any more.

I've spoken with the building manager and the landlord, who can't/won't take action. I spoke with the police, who said they can't do anything unless I'm being threatened with bodily harm. I find it upsetting that I have to wait until I'm being threatened to ask for help. But that's how it is.

I figured I could live with this until she leaves, and then enjoy my last two weeks.

But now I have been informed that she has received permission to have the Banned Boyfriend into the building to help her move. In order to do this, he has to go back and forth in front of my apartment door. So I really can't avoid him.

She claims that there is no-one else to help her, even though she's gotten at least two offers of help from fellow tenants and she has other friends and family who live close by. I find this maddening, too, because I don't have many people to help me move, either; and yet I am managing to do so without hysterics or abusing the rights of my neighbors.

I have made it very clear to both the landlord and the manager that I do not find this acceptable. He was banned from the building because he was perceived as a nuicance and a threat: this has not changed. Suddenly my "secure" building feels anything but secure.

Of course, the landlord and manager just want her out, and are willing to agree to anything to get her out ASAP. I get that ... but I don't think it's fair to have to run a gauntlet of angry glares and harassing comments. I pointed out that the lease clearly stipulates that the landlord has the power to ban anyone who is a potential threat or a nuicance; but that fell on unwilling ears.

It looks as if I will have to cope with the Unfair. :smallmad:

I did call my dad (who is familiar with real estate law and a generally Smart Cookie) and asked for his advice. He confirmed: it's not fair, but if the landlord won't act I'm out of luck. There is no recourse at this point. But it helped getting Dad's sympathy; and I think he was tickled that His Little Monkey called for advice. :smallsmile:

I also talked to some of my other neighbors and told them what was up. I was only told about this because the manager knows the neighbor and boyfriend have harassed me, so I should "avoid" them while they are moving out. (Interesting message there, eh? :smallannoyed: ) But I know I am not the only person who has been upset by this pair, so I asked three other neighbors to call and complain about this. I'm pretty sure all three have done so. I reckon: the landlord knows I'm moving so my complaints don't really matter anymore. But maybe if more people complain, it will have an effect.

And one of my neighbors - whom I just adore - gave me his number to call in case Banned Boyfriend starts to be a problem. This adorable neighbor works as a bouncer, so I really value his help! :smallbiggrin:

I feel a bit more encouraged knowing that, regardless of the situation, my other neighbors have my back. And I feel more cheerful and composed knowing I have done all I can to be get fair treatment and (even more important) to keep myself safe. Also, being able to vent here has helped me regain my emotional equilibrium. In short, I felt helpless before, but not as much now.

Meanwhile, I'm being careful. I take my dog with me when I go outside, and my cell phone close at hand. I also carry a big umbrella, which I have applied in the past to Bad Men at the bus stop.

I feel mostly safe, just sick of being pestered.

And mad at the injustice of it all.

.

That sucks. Just remember that soon you won't have to deal with them anymore. On moving day, just do whatever you can to avoid them. The best thing to do would be to lock your door and go out with some friends for the day. Always sucks when bad things happen to good people, but at least it'll be done with soon for you:smallwink:

[Adumbration]

Generally speaking, the fact that you're worried about that suggests that you care enough to not be a jerk.

Extrapolating from a singular event can not be used as evidence. But thanks anyway, I appreciate the sentiment.

On a similar note, I'd like to thank Lady Moreta and Haruki-kun for their posts, and apologize for not responding sooner. Know that I did read them with care, and your effort was not wasted.

To Rawhide, the link to Stephen Fry's interview was a good one.

*sighs* Sometimes I look at myself and realize how self-centered I am. It partially springs from inability to connect with people, and that's something I need to work on. Starting now.

[AshDesert]

So, I have an assignment in English where I have to write a piece of Anglo-Saxon style poetry (in modern English, of course) where we talk about our past and future accomplishments as an easy tie-in assignment with Beowulf that covers the poetry assignment requirements in the curriculum. So far I've sat here for a half hour, and I've yet to think of one accomplishment of a required three. Gotta love when you realize you haven't done anything meaningful with your life:smallannoyed:

[MonkeyBusiness]

So, I have an assignment in English where I have to write a piece of Anglo-Saxon style poetry (in modern English, of course) where we talk about our past and future accomplishments ... So far I've sat here for a half hour, and I've yet to think of one accomplishment of a required three. Gotta love when you realize you haven't done anything meaningful with your life

Hey now, that's hardly fair. I mean, most of us have not sallied forth to do battle with Grendel's mother, or anything of that category.

Make it tongue-in-cheek. Like this:


And so Monkey strode forth
mighty Monkey, mad as heck
holding in her hand
a paperclip.
Many warriors rode forth
to make war on paperwork
But none returned.
Their widows lament
their kitties scratch at the door in vain to go outside.


But Monkey, clad in business attire
and cute pumps from Macy's -
Mankiller Monkey -
seized in her paw the paper work
and smote it with the shining paperclip.
Never again shall those documents
shuffle out of order:
the days of disarray are banished forever.
And Monkey,
mightiest of business monkeys,
shall bend, fold, and mutilate any
who desecrate the sacred filing cabinet
with disorganization.

And that is how Monkey
brought order to chaos last Friday.
Would you like a donut?

That's one. I can think of others ... but I wouldn't want to brag. :smallwink:

.

[Blue Ghost]

Love it. I need to learn to write Anglo-Saxon style poetry like that.

[AshDesert]

Hey now, that's hardly fair. I mean, most of us have not sallied forth to do battle with Grendel's mother, or anything of that category.

Make it tongue-in-cheek. Like this:


And so Monkey strode forth
mighty Monkey, mad as heck
holding in her hand
a paperclip.
Many warriors rode forth
to make war on paperwork
But none returned.
Their widows lament
their kitties scratch at the door in vain to go outside.


But Monkey, clad in business attire
and cute pumps from Macy's -
Mankiller Monkey -
seized in her paw the paper work
and smote it with the shining paperclip.
Never again shall those documents
shuffle out of order:
the days of disarray are banished forever.
And Monkey,
mightiest of business monkeys,
shall bend, fold, and mutilate any
who desecrate the sacred filing cabinet
with disorganization.

And that is how Monkey
brought order to chaos last Friday.
Would you like a donut?

That's one. I can think of others ... but I wouldn't want to brag. :smallwink:

.

Nice poem, and thanks for the encouragement. I did manage to get it done, but still, it took me a while to think of anything I would be proud of. With all the Morbidity itp lately, I was thinking, if something were to happen to me tomorrow, I wouldn't have done anything noteworthy or contributed anything meaningful to society. Not fun thoughts, but a good motivator to actually go out and do something.

[Lioness]

I hate the feeling that I can only ever pay 3 months of car registration at a time, and that I have to rely on mum to pay it because I can't get a credit card yet.
Hate the fact that a single problem with my car can suck all my savings instantly.

Hate not being able to work enough to have more money.

[Skeppio]

Sorry to hear it, Lioness. :smallfrown: *HUGS*

[Lioness]

Sorry to hear it, Lioness. :smallfrown: *HUGS*

Thanks Skep :)

Also doesn't help that I have an exam at 9am tomorrow, I'm still on the computer! Argh :smallfrown:

So disappointed in myself.

[Skeppio]

Ugh, I remember exam time. It was a nightmare for me too.

*HUGS* Don't panic, and best of luck. :smallsmile:

[Ranger Mattos]

Love it. I need to learn to write Anglo-Saxon style poetry like that.

I agree, it looks great, Monkey.

Hope you get a good grade on that poem, AshDesert.

[MonkeyBusiness]

Thanks to everyone who offered hugs and support today. It really helped to see that: I smiled. It was also a relief to rant at length and great detail.

Since I have several pets - including a dog who needs to be walked intermittantly during the day - total absence from the building was not an option.

But ... Evidently Mr Personality never showed up. (As dependable as he is polite.) So if I can survive tomorrow without running into him, I am in the clear.

What I did today:
I went around to my friend's shop and handed out candy for a few hours. The neighborhood where I live is small businesses combined with apartments, so it really bustles! And the Saturday before Halloween is trick-or-treat time. (We don't do this at night because there are also several bars. Not a good combination with the family crowd.) Seeing all those kids in their holiday getup was a ton of fun. Being a Monkey, I sat on the ground so I could be at eye level and schmoozed it up with the ankle-biter crowd. Ah! So nice to have a decent conversation!

I was so thankful to my friend for letting me do this. I was surprised to find that she thought I was doing her a favor! How nice!

Oh, and in case you are wondering ... best costume of the day goes to the kid dressed as a bananna. :smallsmile:

And I did get some furniture posted on craigslist ... I hope I might actually sell some of it tomorrow. I'll be sad to see it go, but also a little relieved. I need the money: mostly to buy a vehicle and to fund the school effort.

So I'm going to go 'round the corner to get some Indian food, I think, then watch a few movies tonight and just relax.

Hugs to you all. Be well.

[Water-Smurf]

I'm not sure if anyone remembers me here, but I've posted a few times, most of which were during school last year. Since then, I've been put on different meds and switched schools, both of which are changes I don't regret. Things are going better now, seeing as I don't randomly break down in stairwells and go to the infirmary daily because it's too difficult to deal with classes.

Yet I still have some really low points, like right now.

I'm really tired of trying to stay quiet about the difficulties, but if I don't, I'm only being selfish. I feel like I'm monopolizing people's emotional resources by sharing these troubles with them, especially if they have a lot of emotional investment in me, like my friends or family. So I don't say anything. It festers without a vent, but I can't vent without hating myself afterwards, as I probably will after I post this.

The truth is, I still want to hurt myself sometimes. I haven't since I've gotten to this school, but the temptation is awful to bear. When I see scalpels in the biology lab, I have to move away. When I had to make a poster for a project, I had to use scissors instead of an Exact-O knife because I didn't trust myself to be alone with it. And while I'm definitely not suicidal, I wonder if I can become that way. I keep on thinking about dying and death, especially in relation to myself, with total dispassion. It's been coming up more in my thoughts since this recent suicide hoax started. I don't want to die, but I wonder if there's the potential there.

I'm tired of dealing with it. I'm tired of waking up in the morning with this sinking feeling in my stomach. I'm tired of going to bed, happy that I have a few hours of total oblivion to look forward to. I'm tired of the mood swings, the delicacy, and the spinelessness I've noticed in myself as of late. I'm tired of depending on my confidence as a writer to keep me afloat, of depending on some kind of acknowledgement of my efforts in the field from anyone, and knowing that that's not the job of anyone, not even my mother.

Why is it that, my entire life, I've always preferred to dream than to face reality? In dreams, you don't feel lonely. You are your own company. When you're on the outside, there's no one. When you're in preschool, unable to communicate, there's no one. When you're in elementary school, secluded, there's no one. When you're in middle school, viewed as a freak, a recluse, and you can count on one hand how many times you have been with a classmate outside of school for four years, there's no one. For every year that goes by, you feel the wall building between you and the so-called 'world'. You become comfortable in your unbearable loneliness. You accept it. And then you dream it all away. How can a person survive if their life is only built on dreams? No touch of reality. It feels like what is real is the dream, and the stories are the actual truth.

I'm tired of it.

[arguskos]

I'm not sure if anyone remembers me here, but I've posted a few times, most of which were during school last year. Since then, I've been put on different meds and switched schools, both of which are changes I don't regret. Things are going better now, seeing as I don't randomly break down in stairwells and go to the infirmary daily because it's too difficult to deal with classes.

Yet I still have some really low points, like right now.

I'm really tired of trying to stay quiet about the difficulties, but if I don't, I'm only being selfish. I feel like I'm monopolizing people's emotional resources by sharing these troubles with them, especially if they have a lot of emotional investment in me, like my friends or family. So I don't say anything. It festers without a vent, but I can't vent without hating myself afterwards, as I probably will after I post this.

The truth is, I still want to hurt myself sometimes. I haven't since I've gotten to this school, but the temptation is awful to bear. When I see scalpels in the biology lab, I have to move away. When I had to make a poster for a project, I had to use scissors instead of an Exact-O knife because I didn't trust myself to be alone with it. And while I'm definitely not suicidal, I wonder if I can become that way. I keep on thinking about dying and death, especially in relation to myself, with total dispassion. It's been coming up more in my thoughts since this recent suicide hoax started. I don't want to die, but I wonder if there's the potential there.

I'm tired of dealing with it. I'm tired of waking up in the morning with this sinking feeling in my stomach. I'm tired of going to bed, happy that I have a few hours of total oblivion to look forward to. I'm tired of the mood swings, the delicacy, and the spinelessness I've noticed in myself as of late. I'm tired of depending on my confidence as a writer to keep me afloat, of depending on some kind of acknowledgement of my efforts in the field from anyone, and knowing that that's not the job of anyone, not even my mother.

Why is it that, my entire life, I've always preferred to dream than to face reality? In dreams, you don't feel lonely. You are your own company. When you're on the outside, there's no one. When you're in preschool, unable to communicate, there's no one. When you're in elementary school, secluded, there's no one. When you're in middle school, viewed as a freak, a recluse, and you can count on one hand how many times you have been with a classmate outside of school for four years, there's no one. For every year that goes by, you feel the wall building between you and the so-called 'world'. You become comfortable in your unbearable loneliness. You accept it. And then you dream it all away. How can a person survive if their life is only built on dreams? No touch of reality. It feels like what is real is the dream, and the stories are the actual truth.

I'm tired of it.

I remember you. I remember we spoke a few times via PM, in fact, as I was concerned. I'm glad to hear that things have picked up somewhat, since they were pretty rough last time you brought it up here. :smallredface:

I can't help you with the thoughts, since that's a demon I still grapple with and likely always will. What I can say to those is that thinking about death as a philosophic concept and wishing for it are very different things. One is a fine thing to be doing, and frankly, I think more people should regard death as something natural and not something bad or negative, a natural end to the cycle. Wishing for it is something else entirely, and I'm glad that doesn't seem to be the case here.

As for dreams... well, you said that far better than I ever could. I live in my dreams too. I don't see human beings a lot. I stay at home much of the time, since there's nothing to do and nowhere to go, so I end up thinking to myself a lot, dreaming up friends and personalities to entertain myself. It's a hard balance to strike, between dreams and reality, and like a classmate of mine so eloquently wrote not long ago, once you reach a certain point, it's nigh-impossible to discern between them. My advice, such as it is, would be to have one anchor to the real world, something that always ties you to it and that you carry with you always, much like the film Inception, if you ever saw that. I personally carry a liberty dollar (http://media.photobucket.com/image/liberty%20dollar%201922/ACPitBoss/Peace%20Dollars/PeaceDollar1922-DNGCMS65Obverse1.jpg) at all times, both as a little quirk (no one else I know plays with a silver dollar, ever) and as something to remind me that this world is the one that I reside in truly, and that my fate here is what I make of it (yeah, I put a lot of stock into that coin, I'm strange).

I get the sense I'm rambling a lot. :smallsigh: I'm tired. Still, I understand your situation, wish you the best, offer my ear and advice (such as it is) if you need it, and offer you *hugs* if you'd like them. Though you may walk through dreams, know that this dreamer is always here to listen.


Hey, that goes for everyone too. Anyone needs anything, you know where to find me.

[Admiral Squish]

Focus on the positives. You're stronger than your brother? Awesome :smallsmile: You did really well in the course, so you've got a good chance of doing well in the exam - good luck with that as well :smallsmile:

I know it's not easy, but try to focus on the positive aspects of all this. They're there if you look hard enough :smallsmile: *hugs*

Imagine a VW beetle with a Hemi in it. That's basically how I feel. I've got all the performance I could ever need, but nobody wants to go for a ride. It just ends up looking stupid.

As for the course, I DID well. Three months ago. I've got a LOT of reviewing to do if I want to have the vaguest hope of passing, which I'm really nto sure is even plausible at this point.

I try to focus on the positives, I do. Really, the only thing that's keeping me out of the darkest depths of my own mind is being creative.

[Cobra_Ikari]

I'm not sure if anyone remembers me here, but I've posted a few times, most of which were during school last year. Since then, I've been put on different meds and switched schools, both of which are changes I don't regret. Things are going better now, seeing as I don't randomly break down in stairwells and go to the infirmary daily because it's too difficult to deal with classes.

Yet I still have some really low points, like right now.

I'm really tired of trying to stay quiet about the difficulties, but if I don't, I'm only being selfish. I feel like I'm monopolizing people's emotional resources by sharing these troubles with them, especially if they have a lot of emotional investment in me, like my friends or family. So I don't say anything. It festers without a vent, but I can't vent without hating myself afterwards, as I probably will after I post this.

The truth is, I still want to hurt myself sometimes. I haven't since I've gotten to this school, but the temptation is awful to bear. When I see scalpels in the biology lab, I have to move away. When I had to make a poster for a project, I had to use scissors instead of an Exact-O knife because I didn't trust myself to be alone with it. And while I'm definitely not suicidal, I wonder if I can become that way. I keep on thinking about dying and death, especially in relation to myself, with total dispassion. It's been coming up more in my thoughts since this recent suicide hoax started. I don't want to die, but I wonder if there's the potential there.

I'm tired of dealing with it. I'm tired of waking up in the morning with this sinking feeling in my stomach. I'm tired of going to bed, happy that I have a few hours of total oblivion to look forward to. I'm tired of the mood swings, the delicacy, and the spinelessness I've noticed in myself as of late. I'm tired of depending on my confidence as a writer to keep me afloat, of depending on some kind of acknowledgement of my efforts in the field from anyone, and knowing that that's not the job of anyone, not even my mother.

Why is it that, my entire life, I've always preferred to dream than to face reality? In dreams, you don't feel lonely. You are your own company. When you're on the outside, there's no one. When you're in preschool, unable to communicate, there's no one. When you're in elementary school, secluded, there's no one. When you're in middle school, viewed as a freak, a recluse, and you can count on one hand how many times you have been with a classmate outside of school for four years, there's no one. For every year that goes by, you feel the wall building between you and the so-called 'world'. You become comfortable in your unbearable loneliness. You accept it. And then you dream it all away. How can a person survive if their life is only built on dreams? No touch of reality. It feels like what is real is the dream, and the stories are the actual truth.

I'm tired of it.

*hugs* I don't have advice, but...you are not alone in this. It is not a fun place...but there are people with you here.

[WalkingTarget]

I need to vent a bit.

I've always been the quiet one. You know, the person at the edge of the conversation who can't quite get a word in. In the proverbial house party of life, I'm the one who winds up hanging out in the kitchen. I've got a bad case of middle-child syndrome.

When I started grad school a few months ago, I decided this time it was going to be different. I was going to get out of my damned apartment and meet people instead of sitting around all day not talking to anybody (which happens, last week I went from Sunday ~1 AM to Monday ~8 PM without talking).

Things had been going well, I've been doing stuff with my fellow students socially. We go do stuff or just meet up at one of the off-campus bars where it's actually possible to hear each other speak without yelling. I even had 2 Halloween parties to attend this weekend.

The first one was great, people playing Rock Band 3 in the living room and various conversations constantly shifting and flowing around the whole house all night. I only knew about half the people there, but I had a lot of fun just due to the good conversations.

Tonight's party was a disaster for me. I didn't know there was going to be a DJ and therefore didn't know that the primary "entertainment" for the evening was dancing. I'm a big, clumsy, socially awkward guy with no dancing skills whatsoever (I've got what I call "stupid feet", in the before-time when I attempted to dance I found myself having to constantly think about what I was doing, whereas everybody else describes dancing as just something you do or "just go with it" or something). I also hate (:smallfurious:) being the center of attention. So, after the first few polite "no thanks" to people trying to cajole me into dancing, I've gotten this whole thing worked up in my head that now if I do break down and make a fool of myself it'll be this whole, y'know, thing. So, now I'm about 40 minutes into a 4 hour party and am stuck over on the couch alone. I could try to go stand closer to where the dancing is happening, but it'd be even harder to have a conversation there. People occasionally go outside for some air, but it's pretty cold and so they don't stay out there long. Even then, all but 3 times all evening, whenever I approach a group who actually is talking, the conversation dies within about a minute and people head back inside. It was like people were avoiding me (even though I know they weren't really, I just had bad timing all night, but that doesn't make me feel any better). Meanwhile the dancing thing has continued to make me feel more and more alienated from the group as the night goes on.

A few times I decided that I'd just get my coat and go, but those were always the times where I'd happen on a good conversation and thought maybe my luck had changed. The last time I went back inside, everybody else went back to dancing, so I sat on the couch. Some girl I didn't know (she didn't even know the people throwing the party; she came with a friend) came over and asked why I looked so sad.

I'm Mr. Stoic Stoneface. I didn't really realize that this whole process was getting to me so much that my agitation would actually become apparent, but thinking about it on my walk home, the whole party was one long process of reminding me how socially awkward and lonely I am. Here I was, in a house full of people who were obviously having a good time (many of whom I'm on good terms with and generally like hanging out with) and I felt more alone than I have in years (several of which were spent living by myself in a town where I didn't know anybody besides my coworkers, whom I didn't hang out with socially). Almost every conversation died when I approached. The "fun" part of the party is something I don't do (and even if I did do it, I'd feel even more self-conscious and awkward the whole time, the only reason to do it is to be interacting with other people by doing something I don't enjoy). With the exception of those few conversations, I would have had a better time here in my apartment, alone, reading stuff for my classes all evening and it probably wouldn't have had an impact on anyone else's evening if I hadn't gone either.

Of course, I didn't have all of this flash into my head while this nice girl is talking to me, so I try to explain that it's not my type of party due to its dance-centric nature. Unlike my friends (many of whom are also nice girls), she doesn't just take that as an answer and keeps trying to convince me. She can't dance either, but she's giving it a try. If she's making a fool of herself, I shouldn't get to not do so. It's a really good argument, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'd already spent so much time (we were at about 3.75 hours into the party now) explaining to people that I don't dance that now if I were to get up and do so everybody would notice, getting me that dreaded attention thing. I just froze up. I couldn't explain to this nice girl smiling at me why I couldn't make myself get up off the couch. I couldn't even get a complete sentence out, I just sat there starting thoughts that I'd realize didn't fit about halfway through them. With half a dozen sentences, a stranger who was just trying to be friendly rendered me completely unable to form a coherent response. After a while, she let me off the hook and rejoined her friends (who left as a group a few minutes later), then I sat there feeling even more sorry for myself until my friends started drifting out a short time later, so I just left too.

Cue the 20 minute walk back to my apartment and the attempt to figure out exactly what's wrong with me. What kind of worries me is that I found myself thinking about how if I were to have been mugged on the way it would have been fitting, just to round out the evening I'd had. I realize that all of the problems are in my head, that if I had started dancing it would have been noteworthy for all of a minute then nobody would care, but that doesn't stop my brain from telling me otherwise. Anyway, I'm sure that I'm rambling. I'm going to go try to sleep this funk off.

[Lady Moreta]

Real life friends don't look, blah blah blah.
I wrote a long post here, but in the end it can be condensed into a few sentences.

I don't know who I am. I don't know how other's really think of me.

And it scares me, for if I can't read people even to that extent, if I'm that thick, I might be a complete jerk - the kind everybody hates - and not even know it.


If you don't know how others think of you, and that is bothering you then there's really only one solution. Ask them. I know it's scary, and it's not something I'm ever comfortable doing, but this is obviously stressing you out considerably. Why would it be so bad to let your real life friends see this? Why don't you want them to know? Something to think about...

Also, you're welcome :smallsmile:



Well I was thinking that through today, and I realized that 6 months ago I would have been suicidal after the first night. Yeah. This is good.

This is very good. Well done :smallbiggrin:





I'm really tired of trying to stay quiet about the difficulties, but if I don't, I'm only being selfish. I feel like I'm monopolizing people's emotional resources by sharing these troubles with them, especially if they have a lot of emotional investment in me, like my friends or family. So I don't say anything. It festers without a vent, but I can't vent without hating myself afterwards, as I probably will after I post this.

This is an attitude you need to work on... friends and family want to be shared with, that's why we have them. You are not monopolising people by sharing your problems with them. Are you able to perhaps go to different people for support at times? I know that I will talk to different friends depending on what's bothering me. Some friends are better equiped to handle my issues than other. If you spread things out, you might feel like you're not being such a burden.

However, I still maintain that this is a wrong attitude/feeling you've picked up from somewhere and it needs to go. You need to keep repeating to yourself that you are worthy. You are worth loving. You are worth having people care about you. You are allowed to rely on others for support.


The truth is, I still want to hurt myself sometimes. I haven't since I've gotten to this school, but the temptation is awful to bear. When I see scalpels in the biology lab, I have to move away. When I had to make a poster for a project, I had to use scissors instead of an Exact-O knife because I didn't trust myself to be alone with it. And while I'm definitely not suicidal, I wonder if I can become that way. I keep on thinking about dying and death, especially in relation to myself, with total dispassion. It's been coming up more in my thoughts since this recent suicide hoax started. I don't want to die, but I wonder if there's the potential there.

And nobody wants you to die. Remember that :smallsmile: It is good that you are realising the potential in you to hurt yourself and are doing something about it. It's also good that you're opening up and admitting it to us here.


Why is it that, my entire life, I've always preferred to dream than to face reality? In dreams, you don't feel lonely. You are your own company.

I am like this a lot too. Sometimes the real world just isn't what you'd like it to be. Probably not a lot of help, but at least some sympathy :smallsmile:



Imagine a VW beetle with a Hemi in it. That's basically how I feel. I've got all the performance I could ever need, but nobody wants to go for a ride. It just ends up looking stupid.

As for the course, I DID well. Three months ago. I've got a LOT of reviewing to do if I want to have the vaguest hope of passing, which I'm really nto sure is even plausible at this point.

I try to focus on the positives, I do. Really, the only thing that's keeping me out of the darkest depths of my own mind is being creative.

I'm afraid I don't know what a Hemi is, but if it's anything like the souped up VW Beetle I see sometimes on my way home from work, it sounds like fun and I'd go for a ride :smallsmile:

Don't borrow trouble. Study for the test, and keep reminding yourself that you did do well. Keep positive :smallsmile:


*snip*

Oh my word I know exactly how you feel. I am completely and utterly the same. I will go to parties and end up staying in my own little world the entire time. I like to be around people, but I am socially rather awkward and prefer a minimum of interaction, unless I am with good friends. I also get claustrophobic in crowds which doesn't help. Fortunately, I married a man much the same, so now I have someone to sit in the corner with.

Don't feel bad about the party. You got thrown for a loop because you weren't expecting the DJ/dancing. If I'd been in a situation like that I would have clung to the couch as well, I completely understand. You don't have to have a good time at every party, don't be so hard on yourself :smallsmile:

[MonkeyBusiness]

To Lioness:
Here you go: <virtual hot dinner for you> I wish it were a real one. A person who studies so hard deserves nothing but the best.

To Walking Target:
"Stupid feet"? Heh ... that made me giggle!

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to dance unless you wish you were dancing instead of watching.

I used to hate dancing. I enjoy it now, but I'm still terrible at it. To quote a Peter Beagle character: I dance like the Washington Monument. I consider myself a public service at weddings, because other people see me dancing and think, "Hey! Even I can dance better than Monkey!" So pretty soon the dance floor is packed.

I'm not saying you need to "get over it". Just telling you my experience.

Anyway, back to you! :smallwink: It sounds like the evening was painful because you felt obliged to try to do something you were not prepared to do and did not really want to try. And I say: good for you for being yourself! If you are the guy who doesn't want to dance, then be that guy!

You made a big decision recently: to become more socially active. And guess what? You did it! You go out with friends, have conversations, go to parties ... these are the important aspects of socializing. So what if you don't want to thrash around on the dance floor with a bunch of sweaty strangers? Be yourself.

Now, there will always be people who want to urge you out there. Some of them are mere busybodies. Monkey thinks honesty is very important; but so is your self-esteem. So Monkey gives you her permission to lie to these people. You tell them this: "My doctor told me it's not safe for me to dance. I hope that I'll get the all-clear soon, but I don't know when that might be."

You need not tell them that it was Doctor Monkey who said this. (I have a PhD in BS, incidentally.) You also need not answer any questions about your health. Dismiss the topic entirely by saying, "Oh, discussions of personal health are so tedious."

On the other hand there are kind people who are just trying to make sure you are having fun ... and maybe are a little bit interested in you. Like that Nice Girl. That's harder, because it is difficult not to get tongue-tied.

For people who you might actually want to get to know better, you can say this: "You are so thoughtful! Do you know that you are the first person to say that to me all night? Actually I just don't like dancing." Then quickly ask her something about herself. This accomplishes two things: it gets you off the hook for having to justify yourself; and it makes a great impression on the Nice Girl. She will feel special and might be more inclined to sit and talk to you than go back out to the dance floor. Ta-da! Now you have someone to hang around with until the party's over.

I think it's great you made a resolution to cultivate friendships and be more social. It's your choice as to what that means. If you want to dance, dance. If you don't, then don't. Being cool should feel natural.


To Water Smurf:
Moreta's correct. It's hard to believe it when you feel so bad, but please believe me: it is not an imposition when you talk about your feelings or ask for help.

My experience (which I call The Year From Hell) was very similar to what you describe. I just felt so used up. Nothing gave me any enjoyment, and I was tired of waking up to a sense of despair, wasting a day being unfocussed and forgetful and sad, then going back to bed and lying there, sleepless and anxious, for hours. Knives looked awfully attractive to me, because they seemed like a way to put the pain I felt inside on the outside. I resisted that urge, and got a good doctor. (I was really lucky to find her.) Now, two years later, I feel genuinely happy. My doc says I don't need medication anymore, and I can function like a human being, and smile and everything.

And when I meet someone like you, Smurf, who's going through her own rough time, I feel this sense of kinship. I want you to talk. And I'm not alone in this sense, or this thread would not exist. Your family and friends also want you to ask for help when you need it.

Now, not everyone is going to know how to respond to you in ways that are helpful to you. I did exactly what Moreta described to you when I was going through The Year From Hell. I turned to one friend who was a sympathetic listener to confide in. I turned to another friend who was a good cook and asked her to make me a casserole because I was not motivated to eat, cook, or clean dishes: and food made from scratch by a friend is very nurturing. Another friend who used to give massages professionally came over and gave me back rubs when I was really low. I didn't have to say anything to her, and she let me cry as much as I needed to without asking anything dumb like, "Are you okay?" Yet another person in theater I asked to read out loud to me a few nights each week, so I wouldn't have to be alone in the evenings and yet wouldn't have to have a conversation or be entertaining.

In other words, I tried to ask each friend for the thing they would be proud to offer. Everyone's good at something, and they like having that acknowledged. So when you are asking for comfort, you are also giving something to the person helping you: affirmation of what makes them special. Do you see?

I'm glad you realize there is a difference between wanting to die and just wanting the pain to stop. It's hard at first, but the best painkiller out there is simple affection from a sympathetic person. Ask for it. You might be surprised at how happy it makes people to feel needed.

And one day you will feel stronger, and you will be able to be the one who offers comfort ... and you will understand how much it means to us now to be here for you.

Thank you for talking to us. It helps us be better people, too.

Write back soon and let us know how you are doing.


Be well.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

For the record, I am not MonkeyBusiness, and she is not me.* But I think the efforts of the Playground to make a female clone of myself has worked out splendidly. :smalltongue:

* This notification placed here due to recent events, and the fact that she used "be well" to end her posts. Either this was "stolen," or she just happen to use it on her own. It's not like I had a copyright on it or anything. :smallwink:

[RabbitHoleLost]

Monkey Business is cool, and I think is a suitable candidate for femaleBorClone/BorTwin.

Also, hugs go out to those who need them. I lurk this thread and awful lot and typically have nothing to say. But my heart is with you.

[Haruki-kun]

For the record, I am not MonkeyBusiness, and she is not me.* But I think the efforts of the Playground to make a female clone of myself has worked out splendidly. :smalltongue:

* This notification placed here due to recent events, and the fact that she used "be well" to end her posts. Either this was "stolen," or she just happen to use it on her own. It's not like I had a copyright on it or anything. :smallwink:

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t288/Vaarsuvius89/sheep-stool.jpg

Be wool. :smallwink:

[MonkeyBusiness]

:smallconfused: I am no clone.

I hadn't noticed you use that phrase, Bor. It's a good one. It reminds me of Julian of Norwich (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julian_of_Norwich) whose philosophy of compassion and optimism was amazing for the time - or any time. People came from all over England to visit her and ask for her advice when they were worried or sad. And one of the things Dame Julian said to them was, "All will be well, all will be well. All manner of things will be well."

I love Julian of Norwich.

.

[cycoris]

:smallconfused: I am no clone.

I hadn't noticed you use that phrase, Bor. It's a good one. It reminds me of Julian of Norwich (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julian_of_Norwich) whose philosophy of compassion and optimism was amazing for the time - or any time. People came from all over England to visit her and ask for her advice when they were worried or sad. And one of the things Dame Julian said to them was, "All will be well, all will be well. All manner of things will be well."

I love Julian of Norwich.

.

I adore Julian of Norwich!

>.>
<.<
>.>

To the point where I'd like to name my daughter after her. Maybe not a first name, but a middle name certainly. :smallredface:

[Adumbration]

I'm not sure if anyone remembers me here, but I've posted a few times, most of which were during school last year. Since then, I've been put on different meds and switched schools, both of which are changes I don't regret. Things are going better now, seeing as I don't randomly break down in stairwells and go to the infirmary daily because it's too difficult to deal with classes.

Yet I still have some really low points, like right now.

I'm really tired of trying to stay quiet about the difficulties, but if I don't, I'm only being selfish. I feel like I'm monopolizing people's emotional resources by sharing these troubles with them, especially if they have a lot of emotional investment in me, like my friends or family. So I don't say anything. It festers without a vent, but I can't vent without hating myself afterwards, as I probably will after I post this.

The truth is, I still want to hurt myself sometimes. I haven't since I've gotten to this school, but the temptation is awful to bear. When I see scalpels in the biology lab, I have to move away. When I had to make a poster for a project, I had to use scissors instead of an Exact-O knife because I didn't trust myself to be alone with it. And while I'm definitely not suicidal, I wonder if I can become that way. I keep on thinking about dying and death, especially in relation to myself, with total dispassion. It's been coming up more in my thoughts since this recent suicide hoax started. I don't want to die, but I wonder if there's the potential there.

I'm tired of dealing with it. I'm tired of waking up in the morning with this sinking feeling in my stomach. I'm tired of going to bed, happy that I have a few hours of total oblivion to look forward to. I'm tired of the mood swings, the delicacy, and the spinelessness I've noticed in myself as of late. I'm tired of depending on my confidence as a writer to keep me afloat, of depending on some kind of acknowledgement of my efforts in the field from anyone, and knowing that that's not the job of anyone, not even my mother.

Why is it that, my entire life, I've always preferred to dream than to face reality? In dreams, you don't feel lonely. You are your own company. When you're on the outside, there's no one. When you're in preschool, unable to communicate, there's no one. When you're in elementary school, secluded, there's no one. When you're in middle school, viewed as a freak, a recluse, and you can count on one hand how many times you have been with a classmate outside of school for four years, there's no one. For every year that goes by, you feel the wall building between you and the so-called 'world'. You become comfortable in your unbearable loneliness. You accept it. And then you dream it all away. How can a person survive if their life is only built on dreams? No touch of reality. It feels like what is real is the dream, and the stories are the actual truth.

I'm tired of it.

I think I know something of what you're going through. I had much the similar thoughts on death, self-mutilation and suicide in high school - with complete lack of passion. I don't know why... Here's how I outsurvived them. What helped me may not help you, but who knows?

I made a conscious decision to live. I swore an oath to myself, to the world that I wouldn't off myself. I swore that where ever I could, I would choose life over death. It has helped me countless times to divert my thoughts, to find resolve. Whenever I think about it, I can remember the precise point of time and place when I made the decision. On a bike, near a highway, spring turning to summer, orange sun in the sky, forest on the other side.

Promises to other people can be broken, bent and twisted. An oath you swear to yourself with perfect intent to deliver, without a hesitation in your soul? You can always look back upon it in the moment of decision, and say: "I swore that I would choose life."

Maybe it's silly, dramatic, foolish... but it has worked for me so far.

[Marillion]

DAMMIT BABY BROTHER


My little brother, we'll say B, has always been the problem child. He's a real bright kid, but he's incredibly socially awkward, can't focus on anything, has anger and lying issues, problems with authority, the whole bit. I wouldn't be surprised if he's somewhere on the autism scale, to be honest. Anyway, I've always had to mediate between him and my mother; on the occasions that I didn't, fists flew, mirrors and doors got broken, and on one occasion ended with a trip to the hospital for my baby sister. Ever since I moved out 4 years ago, he's got worse and worse, and as soon as he turned 18 my mother kicked him out and told him he could come back when he had a job, when he stopped hanging out with his hoodlum "friends", and be willing to go to counseling. He fell in with an even worse crowd, started drinking and smoking cigarette butts off the street and couch-surfing, and a year later he's got a "girlfriend", we'll call her A. I use the term loosely, because from what I hear she's a toxic psychotic whorish *****, and on the few occasions I've spoken to her she has given me little reason to doubt my mothers assessment of her.

So of course, B is madly in love with her. He starts to clean himself up a bit, goes looking for a job, and so I figure even if she's a terrible person for him at least she's a good influence. At this point, B is quite sick of being homeless, and so he turns to me for help. He asks me if he and A can move in, as her parents won't let him move in with them and my mom won't let A move in with her. After much deliberation, I tell him that even with all his issues, he's my baby brother and I would do anything I can to help him, but A is not welcome in my home and there's not enough room for all three of us anyway. However, if he were to move up here and get a job, I would be more than happy to help him save money so they could eventually move in on their own.

SO HE MARRIES HER.

WHAT!?

[Lord_Gareth]

Give into your rage, Marillion! WRITE HIM AN ANNOYING LETTER!

[/humorpost]

[arguskos]

Give into your rage, Marillion! WRITE HIM AN ANNOYING LETTER!

[/humorpost]
I lold.

Also, Marillion, some people just make bad choices. There's very little reason behind that decision IMO, but it does seem like he wants to make it work (somehow) and that's admirable. Still... were I you, I'd steer clear and let it run its course. He'll either figure it out and get out, or he won't and won't. Either way, he'll learn something.

[Haruki-kun]

I agree with arguskos. If he ever needs more help I've no doubt he'll ask you, considering he already asked you once.

[Water-Smurf]

Thank you... all of you. It means a lot.

It's just... every time I try to talk about it, I know that I'm negatively effecting them with this knowledge. Last year (and I dubbed this the 'Year of Pain'--not as catchy as 'Year of Hell', though :smalltongue: ), I opened up to my roommate about the possibility of being depressed and needing medication after a really emotional session with my therapist. (I go to boarding school.) She was really quiet, but I didn't notice since I was busy blubbering at the time. That night, she told me upfront that if I was depressed and needed medication, and she found out, that she'd need to change roommates. She said that her brother had been depressed the year before and it had been a horrible experience for her, and she couldn't stand to go through it again. Needless to say, I didn't really take that well.

And my mother and father... they love me so much that I ruin them when I'm in pain. My mother gets in terrible moods when I'm not around, gets angry, and can hardly sleep for more than a few hours. My dad gets worried about me and my mother because of it.

I remember one of my friends saying that her parents were actually scared about our relationship because they didn't know if I would do something to myself, and if I did, I would destroy my friend in the process. I refuse to be responsible for that.

When I opened up to another friend, she was extremely supportive, but I saw in her eyes that she was fighting not to cry. And afterwards--I know that this was merely a product of not knowing what to say and I doubt she meant it seriously, but still--she told me to not dump that kind of stuff on her when she had work to do.

Yet another friend has to deal with her mother marrying another man and she shouldn't have to deal with my problems too. Another doesn't acknowledge it when I get in a mood because she thinks that she'd 'encourage me' if she did.

I can't stand to be the cause of that stuff. I know that it affects others when I say things.

It's better than what it used to be, but I miss having something sharp close at hand. I miss how calm I felt after I did things. I just never want to cause all that crying again... and sometimes, I almost convince myself that I can have that calmness and no one has to know this time.

[CoffeeIncluded]

I remember one of my friends saying that her parents were actually scared about our relationship because they didn't know if I would do something to myself, and if I did, I would destroy my friend in the process. I refuse to be responsible for that.

Was this one me? :smalltongue:

And also, take a look at what you're typing. You're. NOT. Friendless!

Hey, sometimes I have thoughts of sneaking a bottle of wine and getting drop-dead drunk because anything's better than what's going on at the moment! But you know what? Things get better. I don't actually do it because I know I'm strong enough to handle it myself, and the thought just remains a thought--or, at most, a muttered, "I need a freaking drink."

Okay? Listen, we all care about you, and I think it's quite obvious that a living Smurf is much better company than a dead Smurf. Less smelly, too.

[Lady Moreta]

It's just... every time I try to talk about it, I know that I'm negatively effecting them with this knowledge.

One thing I want to pick on.

Yeah, so what? That doesn't mean you are worth having someone care about you and listen to you and offer what support they can. I have had friends come to me with problems and have had to say to them 'I can't right now, but I will tomorrow/in half an hour/after I've had lunch/once I'm more awake' or various other responses.

Your friends seem to have various issues of their own which is making it harder. So come here instead. We care about you, and we're happy to listen and offer what advice we can. Just remember - if someone says 'not right now' it doesn't mean they don't care, and it doesn't mean you're not worth it. :smallsmile:

[arguskos]

Thank you... all of you. It means a lot.

It's just... every time I try to talk about it, I know that I'm negatively effecting them with this knowledge. Last year (and I dubbed this the 'Year of Pain'--not as catchy as 'Year of Hell', though :smalltongue: ), I opened up to my roommate about the possibility of being depressed and needing medication after a really emotional session with my therapist. (I go to boarding school.) She was really quiet, but I didn't notice since I was busy blubbering at the time. That night, she told me upfront that if I was depressed and needed medication, and she found out, that she'd need to change roommates. She said that her brother had been depressed the year before and it had been a horrible experience for her, and she couldn't stand to go through it again. Needless to say, I didn't really take that well.

And my mother and father... they love me so much that I ruin them when I'm in pain. My mother gets in terrible moods when I'm not around, gets angry, and can hardly sleep for more than a few hours. My dad gets worried about me and my mother because of it.

I remember one of my friends saying that her parents were actually scared about our relationship because they didn't know if I would do something to myself, and if I did, I would destroy my friend in the process. I refuse to be responsible for that.

When I opened up to another friend, she was extremely supportive, but I saw in her eyes that she was fighting not to cry. And afterwards--I know that this was merely a product of not knowing what to say and I doubt she meant it seriously, but still--she told me to not dump that kind of stuff on her when she had work to do.

Yet another friend has to deal with her mother marrying another man and she shouldn't have to deal with my problems too. Another doesn't acknowledge it when I get in a mood because she thinks that she'd 'encourage me' if she did.

I can't stand to be the cause of that stuff. I know that it affects others when I say things.

It's better than what it used to be, but I miss having something sharp close at hand. I miss how calm I felt after I did things. I just never want to cause all that crying again... and sometimes, I almost convince myself that I can have that calmness and no one has to know this time.
See, this is what we here are good for. You can vent to us, talk to us constantly, and we'll be here for you no matter what. You know how you're not affecting us negatively? Because we *choose* to be here to help you. If you were, then we wouldn't be here trying to help you be better. That we are shows that we care and that we aren't be negatively influenced by you having feelings and being a human with needs and troubles of your own. :smallsmile:

And by the by, that invitation from me always stands, Smurf. :smallwink:

[TFT]

-snip-

This is the first time I've ever given advice in this thread, so I'm really sorry if it doesn't help.

Next time you go to a party like that? Sugar rush. I also used to not like dancing, and refused to because I thought it made me look stupid. One time sugar rush made me realize no one cared the day after, even if I probably danced horribly. If you start dancing and realize that no one cares how crappy it is, its easier the next time, and the next time after that. Being on a sugar rush might push the second thoughts out of your head and allow you to just go for it.

And your brain is right. After about an hour, no one is even going to care anymore. Heck, you can even make your bad dancing into a comedy type thing. I had a friend who probably couldn't dance for the life of him, but it didn't matter because he would make up clever stuff like the "dollar dance" (You pull out a dollar and wave it around.). Even if you're a bad dancer I've found there are ways around it.

Good luck next time your at a party like that.

[CoffeeIncluded]

One thing I want to pick on.

Yeah, so what? That doesn't mean you are worth having someone care about you and listen to you and offer what support they can. I have had friends come to me with problems and have had to say to them 'I can't right now, but I will tomorrow/in half an hour/after I've had lunch/once I'm more awake' or various other responses.

Your friends seem to have various issues of their own which is making it harder. So come here instead. We care about you, and we're happy to listen and offer what advice we can. Just remember - if someone says 'not right now' it doesn't mean they don't care, and it doesn't mean you're not worth it. :smallsmile:

Yeah, seriously. I don't care how...Whatever it is; I'll listen to you and try to help in whatever way I can!

[Cobra_Ikari]

Yeah, seriously. I don't care how...Whatever it is; I'll listen to you and try to help in whatever way I can!

I agree with this, and I think most people would. I may be pretty much useless as far as advice goes...but if you need someone to talk to, who'll listen and be there for you, I'm here for you guys, any of you. *hugs*

[Skeppio]

*hugs* for you, Water-Smurf.

Yeah, I'm definitely gonna throw in my invitation too. You're always welcome to send me a PM if you're feeling down and want someone to listen. I'm always ready to lend an ear. :smallwink:

And that goes for all of you too. :smallsmile:

[Helanna]

Thank you... all of you. It means a lot.

It's just... every time I try to talk about it, I know that I'm negatively effecting them with this knowledge. Last year (and I dubbed this the 'Year of Pain'--not as catchy as 'Year of Hell', though :smalltongue: ), I opened up to my roommate about the possibility of being depressed and needing medication after a really emotional session with my therapist. (I go to boarding school.) She was really quiet, but I didn't notice since I was busy blubbering at the time. That night, she told me upfront that if I was depressed and needed medication, and she found out, that she'd need to change roommates. She said that her brother had been depressed the year before and it had been a horrible experience for her, and she couldn't stand to go through it again. Needless to say, I didn't really take that well.

And my mother and father... they love me so much that I ruin them when I'm in pain. My mother gets in terrible moods when I'm not around, gets angry, and can hardly sleep for more than a few hours. My dad gets worried about me and my mother because of it.

I remember one of my friends saying that her parents were actually scared about our relationship because they didn't know if I would do something to myself, and if I did, I would destroy my friend in the process. I refuse to be responsible for that.

When I opened up to another friend, she was extremely supportive, but I saw in her eyes that she was fighting not to cry. And afterwards--I know that this was merely a product of not knowing what to say and I doubt she meant it seriously, but still--she told me to not dump that kind of stuff on her when she had work to do.

Yet another friend has to deal with her mother marrying another man and she shouldn't have to deal with my problems too. Another doesn't acknowledge it when I get in a mood because she thinks that she'd 'encourage me' if she did.

I can't stand to be the cause of that stuff. I know that it affects others when I say things.

It's better than what it used to be, but I miss having something sharp close at hand. I miss how calm I felt after I did things. I just never want to cause all that crying again... and sometimes, I almost convince myself that I can have that calmness and no one has to know this time.

Response to Water-Smurf:

You seem to have a pretty good grip on yourself right now, knowing that you need to stay away from sharp objects. Knowing that you can't be trusted around them right now is a good step towards being able to trust yourself around them in the future, and frankly I'm really impressed with your willpower and wisdom - I know it's not exactly an easy habit to break. But do NOT go back to doing it! Somebody, someday, WILL find out somehow, and if you're worried that you're negatively affecting people now, how much worse would it be when everybody found out? My sister struggles with what may be a manic-depressive type disorder. And I hate it when she gets really depressed and just whines and complains about everything, or when she gets really angry and walks around screaming at people for random things, but by far the worse was a couple years ago when she was cutting herself. It kept me up for months afterward, terrified that it might worsen even though she stopped and swore she would never do anything worse. And she thought no one would ever find out, either.

And speaking of affecting others - you should never be afraid of speaking out or seeking help because you're afraid of that. It sounds like a couple of your friends were being supportive, but just didn't really know how to handle it. It also sounds like your parents might have their own issues. Do you take any medications or get any type of therapy? If not, you should broach the issue with them. It sounds like it would be to their benefit as well as yours, even if it hurts them in the short term.

And of course, nobody here minds listening, and we're all pretty supportive. Again - the only way we would be really negatively affected is if you DID start harming yourself in any manner. We don't mind if you want to rant or rave or just talk or ask for advice, but we would most certainly would be upset if you started that.

And, as are many other people in this thread, I am open for PM-ing.

A problem of my own that is REALLY REALLY REALLY LONG AND WHINY:

I am having severe motivational issues. I started my freshman year of college two months ago. The first quarter ends in a week or two, and I wouldn't be surprised if I was failing half my classes, three of which require almost exactly no effort and I am still doing extremely poorly in them!

Part of me says that this was my first quarter, that it was pretty stressful, and that with my new job and the fact that I commute (40 minutes either way) I didn't have as much time as I was used to, and that I'll do so much better next quarter. But I know that voice, and it's the same one that told me that after every quarter in high school, and finally just said "Well, it's senior year and I've already been accepted. In college I'll do so much better since that'll actually matter and I'll be more interested in the subjects." And I am interested, but . . . when it comes to doing homework and paying attention I just can't seem to muster up any type of enthusiasm.

What makes it worse is that this is a recurring problem and has been for years, and I know the only solution is to just man up and get some goddamn willpower, and I just can't seem to do it. There's always an excuse or something comes up, and I KNOW what I'm doing and I do it anyway!

I really don't have much time - I live at home. College is 30 minutes in one direction (plus 10-15 minutes for parking and walking to class), and my job is 20 minutes in the opposite direction. Now, I'll be eligible to transfer to another location nearer to college in about a month, but I honestly don't want to leave my store right before the holiday rush (which has already started). So I'm stuck here for a few more months.

And another problem is that I made a really, really bad choice when I decided to live at home this year. I thought maybe I'd just stay at home for a year and then move on-campus, but it was just a terrible idea. Commuting is killing me, and I'm just missing so much because of it and my job. So I'm considering moving on-campus this spring, but it brings me back to why I made the original decision - it is really expensive.

Which brings me to yet another point - this whole thing is only an issue if I can even register for winter courses. I have a hold on my registration until I can get $1000 to the school in about two weeks (which is several hundred more than they originally told me I'd have to pay :smallfurious:). And even if I do manage it, all the best spots and courses are filled by now. The issue here is that I just spent ~ $500 flying down to Washington DC with my sister. Now when I made the reservations, my mom assured me that she would pay for my tuition. Then stuff came up and she didn't. I could have, but I spent all that money on plane tickets!

Which brings me to YET ANOTHER issue: My 16-year-old sister. We've been pretty close lately, but she's been annoying the hell out of me lately. Especially since I just spent about $250 bringing her to DC with me to the rally I was going to. I went because I really believed in the cause (Rally to Restore Sanity to America), because I thought it would be a fantastic experience, and because I'm a huge fan of The Daily Show and the Colbert Report.

Shortly after arriving, it became clear that she went just to go out and do something. She didn't care about - or even understand! - the cause, didn't care about it being a good experience, doesn't even watch the damn shows . . . so in essence, I spent $250 so she could say "I went to DC this weekend!" So I've been rather irritated with her since.

So basically, I'm completely overwhelmed and depressed and it is all completely my fault. If I could just employ some willpower for once in my pathetic existence, half my problems would be solved. But I can't. Hell, the only reason I even managed to gather enough effort to post this is because I'm procrastinating on NaNoWriMo - a project I'd love to do, and really want to, but I'm not sure I'll be able to because I have no time because I am so damn busy procrastinating on everything else! :smallfrown:

[Innis Cabal]

Helanna

1. Motivation issues...hard to address. That's on you sadly and really nothing anyone here can say can restore your desire to learn. Are you taking the right classes? Are you doing what you want? Remember, college isn't for everyone. You might be one of those people.

2. Your sister annoying you. Frankly...she's 16. You brought her out to go with you because you thought she'd like it. Did you ask her -before- she came down? She's 16...16 year olds have WAY more to worry about then the state of the nation. And before anyone checks me on that...they do. They can't vote and honestly even if it effects them, them knowing the problem means little when they have two more years before they can fix it. So..I think -your- the one at fault for the annoyances. No offense or anything. But I think your expecting her to be like you.

[Lady Moreta]

What makes it worse is that this is a recurring problem and has been for years, and I know the only solution is to just man up and get some goddamn willpower, and I just can't seem to do it. There's always an excuse or something comes up, and I KNOW what I'm doing and I do it anyway!

Go talk to a guidance counsellor or someone. I can't think of the right name for it, but most colleges have counsellors who are there to help you out with coursework related issues (as opposed to things like 'I have depression' or 'I feel suicidal'). You know the problem. This is good. Now it's time to do something about it. Talk to a professional, see if your college offers any courses for students on how to get into gear. I'd be very surprised if they don't have anything. You are not the first student to have this problem, nor will you be the last.

Sometimes 'manning up' just doesn't work. If you've been trying and still failing, then it's time to take some extra action. Try to make your achievements smaller. Instead of trying to get some big massive project done, break it down into smaller pieces and take each one separately. Get yourself in the habit of doing little bits and getting them done and then it won't seem like such a HUGE issue.


I really don't have much time - I live at home. College is 30 minutes in one direction (plus 10-15 minutes for parking and walking to class), and my job is 20 minutes in the opposite direction. Now, I'll be eligible to transfer to another location nearer to college in about a month, but I honestly don't want to leave my store right before the holiday rush (which has already started). So I'm stuck here for a few more months.

You're lovely for being concerned - but you know what. It's time to stop thinking of others and start thinking about yourself. I have one of the best/worst work ethics of anyone I know. I will bend over backwards in my job, even when it's to my own detriment. I have stuck in this job longer than I really intended to because I felt/feel guilty for leaving.

But you know what - it is the holiday rush - do you know how many people are out there right now desperately looking for work? If you take up the transfer, they will not have trouble finding someone to work your hours. It's time to take responsiblity for yourself and let the managers worry about the company. That's what they get paid for. Let go of the guilt and transfer.


So I'm considering moving on-campus this spring, but it brings me back to why I made the original decision - it is really expensive.

Is there any housing allowance you can get? Or for that matter, can you find a flat/place to live closer to campus that isn't necessarily on campus. Look for people trying to find roommates etc.


Shortly after arriving, it became clear that she went just to go out and do something. She didn't care about - or even understand! - the cause, didn't care about it being a good experience, doesn't even watch the damn shows . . . so in essence, I spent $250 so she could say "I went to DC this weekend!" So I've been rather irritated with her since.[/quote

Fair enough. I'd be mad too. However, it's over and done with now, and save inventing time travel, you can't do anything about it. Let it go.

The more you dwell, the more frustrated you'll be, and the worse you'll feel. You've got enough on your plate without adding something so completely unnecessary. Let this one go. (and next time you offer to take your sister some place, make sure she really wants to go)

[QUOTE=Helanna;9673732]Hell, the only reason I even managed to gather enough effort to post this is because I'm procrastinating on NaNoWriMo - a project I'd love to do, and really want to, but I'm not sure I'll be able to because I have no time because I am so damn busy procrastinating on everything else! :smallfrown:[/SPOILER]

NaNoWriMo is optional. And it will still be there next year. Or in December or January, or any other month when you get your other problems sorted out. You don't have to do it in November you know :smallsmile: Let this one go for now, you've got enough on your plate without adding something so totally voluntary. If you think it'd help to have something fun to do, then go for it, but don't hold yourself to the 50,000 target. Create one that's more in line with where you are and what's reasonable for you.

To borrow a phrase from Bor - be well :smallsmile:

[WalkingTarget]

Don't feel bad about the party. You got thrown for a loop because you weren't expecting the DJ/dancing. If I'd been in a situation like that I would have clung to the couch as well, I completely understand. You don't have to have a good time at every party, don't be so hard on yourself :smallsmile:



Anyway, back to you! :smallwink: It sounds like the evening was painful because you felt obliged to try to do something you were not prepared to do and did not really want to try. And I say: good for you for being yourself! If you are the guy who doesn't want to dance, then be that guy!

Thanks, guys. I think these pretty much sums things up. The feeling of pressure to participate is another big part of it. I've never responded well to that sort of thing. This is almost exactly the same situation I had with alcohol. I saw no reason to drink and even after I turned 21 I didn't start because I generally don't like the way alcohol tastes (despite occasional pressure from friends). I eventually picked a drink (over 3 years later) and got used to it just so I could stop people from bugging me with questions about why I wasn't drinking/don't I want a drink/etc.


On the other hand there are kind people who are just trying to make sure you are having fun ... and maybe are a little bit interested in you. Like that Nice Girl. That's harder, because it is difficult not to get tongue-tied.

This was pretty much universally what I was dealing with. Until that one stranger came over and talked to me (and by the end of that I was flummoxed enough that I couldn't think of anything else to segue the conversation to), it was only people I'm already friends with who were bugging me about it and I'm sure they were all just trying to let me have fun. This was just the first time that we'd been in a dancing situation since we met a few months ago (which is also probably why the people who enjoy dancing insisted on spending so much time doing so).

It just really annoys me that I really like talking to these people but hardly got a chance to last night. I've had a higher concentration of awesome conversations in these past few months than I think I've ever had over a similar period. The conversations just kept not happening for me during this party. I can't fault them for not taking more time away from the fun just to give me something to do. It actually made me feel even worse that people were breaking away from the fun to try to get me to join.

I just don't have a lot of opportunities to talk to people outside of these things the group does. I left the party 22 hours ago, I haven't spoken since then, and I probably won't say anything tomorrow either. I don't have class or work, so I'll probably just do homework here in my apartment again like I did today (and talking to myself just so I'll have said something seems rather sad). I don't mind being quiet when I'm here by myself, it only gets to me if there are people around that I could be talking to but can't for some reason.


This is the first time I've ever given advice in this thread, so I'm really sorry if it doesn't help.

Well, even if it doesn't I appreciate the effort. :smallsmile:


Next time you go to a party like that? Sugar rush. I also used to not like dancing, and refused to because I thought it made me look stupid. One time sugar rush made me realize no one cared the day after, even if I probably danced horribly. If you start dancing and realize that no one cares how crappy it is, its easier the next time, and the next time after that. Being on a sugar rush might push the second thoughts out of your head and allow you to just go for it.

Except for possibly when I was a small child, I can't think of a single time I've been on a "sugar rush". Ever.

Caffeine doesn't make me jittery (or even really have trouble falling asleep), sugar doesn't get me wound up, and I've never been drunk. I'm not one much for altered states of consciousness.


Heck, you can even make your bad dancing into a comedy type thing.

And the problem with that is that my role in the comedy routine of life is the straight man (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_act). Being the comic is tough for me too (which is probably also part of the not liking the attention it would draw). Hell, I've already got the straight man part of dancing down (i.e. stand there while other people do odd things). Anyway, getting a chance to think about things more and read your responses has helped. Thanks, guys.

[Lady Moreta]

This is almost exactly the same situation I had with alcohol. I saw no reason to drink and even after I turned 21 I didn't start because I generally don't like the way alcohol tastes (despite occasional pressure from friends). I eventually picked a drink (over 3 years later) and got used to it just so I could stop people from bugging me with questions about why I wasn't drinking/don't I want a drink/etc.

I don't drink either, for the same reason - alcohol tastes nasty. My friends are pretty much used to the fact, though I will drink on very rare occassions. They just want you to have a good time. Perhaps mention to them that you're quite capable of enjoying yourself without an alcohol induced buzz.


Hell, I've already got the straight man part of dancing down (i.e. stand there while other people do odd things). Anyway, getting a chance to think about things more and read your responses has helped. Thanks, guys.

Question. Do you not like dancing because you don't know how or because you just don't like dancing? Because if it's the former, there's an easy solution - take lessons :smallsmile: good exercise, good confidence booster, and girls will love you. I only know two girls who don't really like partner dancing much, and that's only because neither of them are touchy-feeling people (and they have both danced before). If you can turn up to one of these things, knowing that you can dance, it'll give you more confidence, you can say yes when people ask you, you can ask a girl to dance with you and know that she'll think you're awesome for it. And it's a nice conversation starter :smallsmile:

If you were interested, I recommend Ceroc. It's easy to learn, easy to dance, looks fantastic, and if by some chance you miss a step, no one can tell. :smallsmile:

[Water-Smurf]

Was this one me? :smalltongue:

Am I right in saying that putting your post entirely in spoilers is shorthand for 'people who know me personally, don't read'? Well, that's why I put it in spoilers. This was why I was reluctant to post on the depression thread in the first place, because I knew that you and everyone else in our group read it, but I figured you'd show the courtesy to respect my privacy, regardless of my reasons for asking for it. Because privacy is my right, though maybe it was too much to expect for particular people to not read it if I posted it on a public forum. In retrospect, that was kind of stupid on my part.

I don't think I'll post here for a while.

[Rawhide]

Am I right in saying that putting your post entirely in spoilers is shorthand for 'people who know me personally, don't read'?

No, you would not be right in saying that. If that's why you did it, you need to explicitly state that before the spoiler.

[Eloel]

On the off-chance you know me from RL (there are what, 1 or 2 people I know who has ever been on GitP?), skip this post. I mean it.


Ah, so here comes ozgun, with some troubles of his.
I need to tell how I feel to someone, and I'm too afraid to talk to anyone in RL about it - so here I am. This may be borderline (or crossing and recrossing the line) RWA, but bear with me please.

I'll start with one of the major reasons I feel very uncomfy. I've never had a girlfriend. Yes, saying that hurts me inside, but not admitting that hurts more, so, meh. I'm 18, if you want to comment "boo you suck" or "its too early". It's made worse by the fact that my roommate has a happy LDR, and is constantly talking about (or with, through mobile or skype) his girlfriend. Annoying, ain't it? Now, onto the story.

I'm a freshman in university, staying in dorm. It has been around 2 months, and I don't think I've ever "socialized" yet. Everyone seems to have, magically, found themselves alot of friends, people they can go out with, and I feel stuck. I've tried to join clubs I'm interested in (only a couple), but they have either gone dormant (FRP club. Darn!), or is only a handful of people (Chess club. Seriously, 10 people?), also borderline dormant (only 1 meeting so far, a tournament is scheduled for later). I seem to spend most of my time in the dorm, feeling miserable, not even studying when I know I -need- to study.

So, I basically don't know anyone except those I went to the same highschool with. And they're slowly drifting away too, meeting new people.

While I am in this anti-social situation, someone (I'll eventually figure out who that is. I hope.) decides to play a prank on me. I think. At least that is the best explanation I could come up with for a seemingly non-nerd (and, I'll have to admit, err, "above average" beauty) girl that I have never seen or talked to before, come and spontaneously start talking about computer games (specifically, Age of Empires, our traditional highschool LAN-party game) with me.
So I'm now either extremely mad at the prankster, and annoyed by the girl, or really shocked, and strongly attracted to the girl.
My bets are on the first one, though I can't get anyone to admit they were involved in the prank.

Any suggestions on what I should do? Am I really as stupid as I think I am?

:frown:

[Water-Smurf]

No, you would not be right in saying that. If that's why you did it, you need to explicitly state that before the spoiler.


In that case, I'm sorry for being terse and I'm not angry. But it still occurs to me that it's pretty stupid to broadcast my problems on a public forum, so I think I'm going to withdraw to PMs for now. Thank you, everyone.

[MonkeyBusiness]

Aw, Ozgun … I can tell how lonely and frustrated you are.

The first thing I want you to know is that it's not at all unusual for people to be single when they are 18. I realize that does not make the loneliness go away. But I hope it helps you to understand that you current girlfriend-free status is not a flaw or shortcoming.

I recognize that everyone-but-me lonely feeling. Mine had a different cause: I was married, but we couldn't have kids. Then, when I divorced the man I was married to for 15 years, a number of friendships just … vanished. So I had to see happy families with kids all around me, when I was childless and divorced and lonely. And meanwhile pals I'd hoped would help see me through just evaporated. I had to go through one of the hardest times of my life with very little support. It sucked.

I am really sorry you are feeling that kind of pain.

I bet it is even more difficult for you to cope with this loneliness because you are also in a transition: you are a freshman in college! On top of the transition and loneliness you have classes! Gosh, ain't that nice? :smallannoyed: It's never just one thing, is it?

But I want you to remember this: even though it's not fun, this is normal. You are not feeling lonely or overwhelmed because there is anything “wrong” with you. This is a normal reaction to one of the bananna peels life throws under our feet from time to time. (I wish Life did not have such a slapstick sense of humor. I sometimes suspect that three guys named Larry, Curly, and Mo are really in charge of things: Nyuk yuk yuk! :smallmad: )

The fact that this is normal may account for why clubs at college taper off during the first few months. People get stressed out and hole up rather than going to the clubs.

By the way … I think 10 people is not bad for a chess club. At least it's an even number!

Now, about that girl …. Ozgun, you have met a lovely young woman who can – evidently – converse the lingo of games fluently. So she's a gamer, because no-one who isn't can talk like that. And she's talking to a fellow gamer for the same reason you would talk to a fellow gamer: she wants to talk about games!

Why is this a prank? Because she's pretty? Because she has two X Chromosomes? Hold onto your hat, my friend, because Monkey has a radically different perspective on this.

Old Auntie Monkey ain't so hard on the eyes herself. And she too is a gamer. So I can tell you from personal experience: an attractive woman gamer/sci-fi fan is treated almost as well as a woman who is divorced and childless. It's like we're aliens on our own planet! And this is pathetic because one of the reasons people love games and sci-fi and all is that it is a realm that appeals to those who feel excluded from main-stream society. (Whatever the hell that is supposed to be!)

What I'm saying here is that you might be doing unto someone else what you fear is being done unto you: you are excluding someone based only on your judgement of outward appearances.

What, you are so repulsive that it's completely irrational someone nice would ever want to speak to you about a subject you both enjoy? Do you have an elephant's trunk in place of a nose? Do you fart explosively and uncontrollably in public? Are you bright purple and nine feet tall? No?

Then maybe she is for real.

And it's not like this girl has offered to marry you or go to bed with you … she wants to talk about games, for crying out loud! She wants a friend.

To make a friend you first have to be a friend.

If there is no other circumstance that indicates suspicious activity, the simple answer is … she likes you. Maybe just as a friend to chat with about games. Isn't that enough?

Frankly Ozgun, I think she's as lonely as you are … and maybe even more so. Being a freshman in college is lonely. Being a woman gamer is lonely. She sees a kindred spirit. That is why she's talking to you.

Be nice. Invite her out to the college coffee shop and just schmooze about games. If she's clueless, you know you were right and you can put the cards on the table with dignity.

But ... If she converses intelligently you know she is for real, and now you have a friend.

Which is what you want, right?

Don't borrow trouble. And please, please, please … don't give a woman gamer the cold shoulder.

I have other suggestions for surviving the college experience … but I'd said enough for one post. Tell us how things go, and if she's as nice a person as she is good looking.

<hug> Keep your chin up.

.

[Eloel]

You, might be right. It's just that I don't think she had a way of knowing I was into games. And that noone tried to befriend me spontaneously before. I feel.. awkward, for lack of a better word.

Also worth noting is, she's not a freshman, or rather, she is, but it's her 2nd year. I don't think being 'lonely' really works for over a year. I don't think -I- could go for that long.

For all the advice, I thank you. Also, *hugs back*. I'll do my best to abide by your advice, will keep you updated.

[The Rose Dragon]

On the off-chance you know me from RL (there are what, 1 or 2 people I know who has ever been on GitP?), skip this post. I mean it.

Hey, if you are in Ankara, I'm always looking for players. :smalltongue:

((We totally need a Turkey in the Playground meetup.))

[MonkeyBusiness]

You are so welcome, Ozgun.

On the off chance it is a sham remember: be dignified. That's the only way to "win" the nasty game of pranks.

Regarding loneliness: it's amazing how long we can endure that state. Just because she's been around campus for a year doesn't mean she's not lonely. And that's a good thing to talk about when you do meet with her: who does she hang around with. If she runs with a pack of mean old meanieheads, regardless of whether she's "for real", she might not be right for you as a friend or potential girlfriend.

If you know some of her other friends, however, that's a great sign.

Okay, enough from the Monkey. I'm going to go run some errands and pack.

Good heavens, I'll have a great deal to write about from my own life by tonight! :smallannoyed:

.

[Eloel]

Hey, if you are in Ankara, I'm always looking for players. :smalltongue:

((We totally need a Turkey in the Playground meetup.))
Turkey in the Playground. Want. Now. Istanbul though, no chance of random meeting. :smallfrown:


On the off chance it is a sham remember: be dignified. That's the only way to "win" the nasty game of pranks.

Dignity. Will keep it. Got it :smallsmile:

Regarding loneliness: it's amazing how long we can endure that state. Just because she's been around campus for a year doesn't mean she's not lonely.
You have a point. Talking, as always, seems to be the bst course of action. I wish I wasn't -bad- at talking. Much rather typing, but if I have to (I know I do), I'll try.


And that's a good thing to talk about when you do meet with her: who does she hang around with. If she runs with a pack of mean old meanieheads, regardless of whether she's "for real", she might not be right for you as a friend or potential girlfriend.
Fear #2. Meaniemeanieheads are common. Too common even. What with being a school with a HIGH score needed for scholarship (as in, highest for CS), and a LOW score if you want to get in pouring money (I felt like I need to note, I'm on half-scholarship. Take that as you will). Mostly, the ones that simply pour the money in tend to be snobby, although there certainly are exceptions. Really, I feel like I'm way overthinking this.
*casts Geas on self* *commands self to go talk, as soon as I get a chance*
There, I feel better already :smallsmile:


If you know some of her other friends, however, that's a great sign.
Barely. As in, met and had a couple words, but no character analysis yet. Will need to do a character sheet for them sometime. :smallbiggrin:

Okay, enough from the Monkey. I'm going to go run some errands and pack.
Best of luck!

[CoffeeIncluded]

Am I right in saying that putting your post entirely in spoilers is shorthand for 'people who know me personally, don't read'? Well, that's why I put it in spoilers. This was why I was reluctant to post on the depression thread in the first place, because I knew that you and everyone else in our group read it, but I figured you'd show the courtesy to respect my privacy, regardless of my reasons for asking for it. Because privacy is my right, though maybe it was too much to expect for particular people to not read it if I posted it on a public forum. In retrospect, that was kind of stupid on my part.

I don't think I'll post here for a while.

Wait, what did I do?

I don't understand, what did I do to make you so angry?

Oh great, I just made things worse and now I feel like crap.

[arguskos]

Wait, what did I do?

I don't understand, what did I do to make you so angry?

Oh great, I just made things worse and now I feel like crap.
Smurf assumed a spoiler meant privacy from RL friends. You apparently are one, and read that spoiler, offending Smurf. That seems to be the issue.

[CoffeeIncluded]

Smurf assumed a spoiler meant privacy from RL friends. You apparently are one, and read that spoiler, offending Smurf. That seems to be the issue.

Ugh. Oh great. Why can't I go through a single day without accidentally offending someone? Some friend I am.

[Coidzor]

Meh, is unpleasant sure, but that's why one lrns2label and all that jazz. So quit beating yourself up about it and decide for yourself what if anything must/can/is desired to be done to make peace.

[Cobra_Ikari]

Ugh. Oh great. Why can't I go through a single day without accidentally offending someone? Some friend I am.

*hugs* It happens. That it was an accident means you shouldn't be beating yourself up over it.




...Depression thread, stop making me feel like a hypocrite. >.<

[Eloel]

*hugs* It happens. That it was an accident means you shouldn't be beating yourself up over it.




...Depression thread, stop making me feel like a hypocrite. >.<

As some guy said (I read it a couple days ago, can't remember the exact quote, so paraphrasing)
Alot of people act well. Only a handful of people talk well. Talking is harder than acting.

So I'd say you'll eventually get through the hypocrisy :smallbiggrin:

[Cobra_Ikari]

As some guy said (I read it a couple days ago, can't remember the exact quote, so paraphrasing)
Alot of people act well. Only a handful of people talk well. Talking is harder than acting.

So I'd say you'll eventually get through the hypocrisy :smallbiggrin:

Wait, this is confusing. I know what I'm SUPPOSED to do to be healthy. In theory. I just never actually do or apply it well, and go back to doing the same old unhealthy things. Wouldn't that make me talk well but not act well?

[cycoris]

Wait, this is confusing. I know what I'm SUPPOSED to do to be healthy. In theory. I just never actually do or apply it well, and go back to doing the same old unhealthy things. Wouldn't that make me talk well but not act well?

I think it was meant to be facetious, silly.

ION:
I need to stop getting upset and unhappy because I'm too happy and therefore clearly something is wrong.

[arguskos]

ION:
I need to stop getting upset and unhappy because I'm too happy and therefore clearly something is wrong.
Agreed. :smalltongue: *hug* :smallwink:

[Eloel]

Wait, this is confusing. I know what I'm SUPPOSED to do to be healthy. In theory. I just never actually do or apply it well, and go back to doing the same old unhealthy things. Wouldn't that make me talk well but not act well?

You can already do the hard thing. The easy thing should come naturally. Or so was my train of thought. :smallsmile:

[Haruki-kun]

ION:
I need to stop getting upset and unhappy because I'm too happy and therefore clearly something is wrong.

Oh gawd..... *hugs* You have no idea how often I do this. There'd have to be literally nothing wrong with the world at all for it not to happen to me.