Anyone here know how to convince others that you're fine?

[druid91]

Well, I was at a church thing with my dad and sister, it went well until near the end my dad decided I was isolating myself, and I needed to be more social, he then all but dragged me within ten feet of the band (the big reason I had been avoiding the main area of festivities, I have sensitive ears.) to sit, and didn't let me leave until everything ended about twenty minutes later.

Now I do have a tendency to skulk around the edges of events but that is because I don't like bumping into people, the noise large numbers of people make, and parties over five or six people in general.

But in this specific case I wasn't even trying to avoid anyone, I helped out, I spoke with the few people I knew, was polite and made smalltalk with others for the small time it was necessary. The only thing I did was stay away from the band.

So how do I convince him my aversion to loud noise is justified??

Also how do I convince him that I am not going to suddenly spiral into depression because I have "isolated" myself?

Info on him, He is an extreme extrovert, will become friends with people with very little time. Oddly enough he is almost my opposite, yet we get along fine except for stuff like this.

[Knaight]

Its probably not going to happen, but not arguing about it will be taken as a point in favor of your dad's argument. Having friends over frequently could help.

[bluewind95]

I can't quite offer help for the convincing him you're fine... but for the loud noises? Earplugs. Once he sees that you're really just avoiding the noise, he might also understand what you really meant/wanted, I would think.

[druid91]

I can't quite offer help for the convincing him you're fine... but for the loud noises? Earplugs. Once he sees that you're really just avoiding the noise, he might also understand what you really meant/wanted, I would think.

Do they make earplugs that strong? Also where do I get them?

[bluewind95]

Do they make earplugs that strong? Also where do I get them?

They won't take away aaalll the noise, but will certainly make very loud noises bearable. I've seen them in sports stores, among other places. 20-30dB less noise is... quite a relief, I must say. For me, it makes the cinema, streets and even concerts bearable.

[Leon]

Hardware stores should stock them

[Knaight]

Hardware stores are probably your best bet, but a typical sufficiently large supermarket will probably stock them as well.

[druid91]

Thanks a lot. This will definitely help with the noise problems.

EDIT: I can't believe I never thought of that though.

[WarKitty]

I'm curious, is your dad one of those really outgoing people that needs activity and socialization all the time? I've had a lot of trouble with that before, because some people just can't imagine a normal person not wanting to go out and be in the center of everything. My solution was to take up some sort of hobby - something I could sit with and at the end show "see I did something productive! I'm really not just sulking!"

[Moff Chumley]

[rock musician who isn't quite deaf yet]EAR PLUGS ARE FOR BABIES! WAH, WAH, WAH, IT'S TOO LOUD![/rock musician who isn't quite deaf yet]

...the odd thing is, I can't stand sudden loud noises unless they're music related...

[Gullara]

I'm curious, is your dad one of those really outgoing people that needs activity and socialization all the time? I've had a lot of trouble with that before, because some people just can't imagine a normal person not wanting to go out and be in the center of everything. My solution was to take up some sort of hobby - something I could sit with and at the end show "see I did something productive! I'm really not just sulking!"

Its annoying when people are like that. My cousin got married recently and a bunch of my family kept trying to get me to dance:smallannoyed:. I'm not really antisocial or anything. I can participate in a conversation and make limited small talk, I just like my solitude from time to time. And I despise dancing:smallfurious:, it would take a girl I was really serious about to really, REALLY want me to dance to get me on the dance floor. On that note I could probably tolerate slow dancing or maybe a two step, but none of that party dancing.

[druid91]

I'm curious, is your dad one of those really outgoing people that needs activity and socialization all the time? I've had a lot of trouble with that before, because some people just can't imagine a normal person not wanting to go out and be in the center of everything. My solution was to take up some sort of hobby - something I could sit with and at the end show "see I did something productive! I'm really not just sulking!"

As much of the time as humanly possible yes, and an activity wouldn't help he is worried less that I'm not doing anything, and more that I am cut off from the human race. One of his big things is isolation leads to bad things, he is in a group where the main guiding principle is to be there for one another so I think it freaks him out that I don't really want or need mental/emotional/whatever support all the time to be happy.


Its annoying when people are like that. My cousin got married recently and a bunch of my family kept trying to get me to dance:smallannoyed:. I'm not really antisocial or anything. I can participate in a conversation and make limited small talk, I just like my solitude from time to time. And I despise dancing:smallfurious:, it would take a girl I was really serious about to really, REALLY want me to dance to get me on the dance floor. On that note I could probably tolerate slow dancing or maybe a two step, but none of that party dancing.

I too dislike party dancing, not that I like other dances.

[Cheetah109]

I would personally tell my parents to have a psychiatrist on speed dial just in case. If you can't prevent it, then blitz it early.

But seriously, go for a rational argument (in the sense of proving a point, not yelling). Give him reasons why you are fine the way you are, the more the better (so long as they can be defended). And spell out why these things prove that you are ok. If you really make him think about it, then I'm sure he'll come around (unless he's really unreasonable).

Heck, use this forum as an example of how you socialize. And ask him if it's really so hard to imagine that some people might have ears more sensitive to sound than his. Equate sitting next to the band to staring at the sun or putting your hand on a stovetop. Basically, IT HURTS.

[Serpentine]

Do they make earplugs that strong? Also where do I get them?They make earplugs for people who spend all day around industrial machines and jet engines.
Yeah, they make earplugs that strong.

[druid91]

They make earplugs for people who spend all day around industrial machines and jet engines.
Yeah, they make earplugs that strong.

I was the impression that people used those total sound blocking muffs around that stuff.

[Marnath]

I was the impression that people used those total sound blocking muffs around that stuff.

I was under the impression they used both those and ear plugs.

[Eldan]

Yeah. Those "muffs" (I don't know the real english name either) aren't perfect either. I hate any kind of noise and usually carry earplugs in my pocket for whem I'm on the train etc... but when it's really loud, I get both. Either one alone doesn't help.

[RandomNPC]

It's impossible to stop all sound, as sound is a vibration and if loud enough will shake right through your skull. This type of noise is often considered "Loud".

I'm going with what most other people said, talk it over, explain that you are happy as you and do not feel depressed.

Or approach with a "life is pain" attitude and at the end of it go "Now if I ever actually do start acting that way, call this guy." then hand him a psychiatrists phone number, and walk away humming a happy tune.

[Force]

Is there a way to connect with a group that shares your interests to the point that hanging out with them =/= pain? If that's the case, try reasoning with your dad by saying "Look, I don't do big functions very well, but in this group I'm ok, I can connect with the human race, etc etc." Probably a better tactic than going to a rock concert and sticking earplugs in your ears.

[Yrcrazypa]

I was under the impression they used both those and ear plugs.

As someone who works in such an environment, (Jet engines) you would be correct.

[Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll]

[rock musician who isn't quite deaf yet]EAR PLUGS ARE FOR BABIES! WAH, WAH, WAH, IT'S TOO LOUD![/rock musician who isn't quite deaf yet]

...the odd thing is, I can't stand sudden loud noises unless they're music related...

"Gwyn, volume!"
"But if I turn down the master, I lose the lower register's..."

If I was going, say, to a My Bloody Valentine concert, I would wear earplugs, but only because My Bloody Valentine concerts are the equivalent to standing next to a taking-off jet plane. Ear Bleedingly loud. Other than that, I love noise. Musical noise, at least.

I'm with you in that I don't like other loud noises a lot. Not to the extent that I can't walk down a street, or go into a busy store, or enjoy myself in a crowd: I live in the 8th largest city in all the Americas, 3rd largest in North America, I love all that stuff. It's sudden noises I don't like: crashes, or bangs, stuff like that.

[druid91]

Is there a way to connect with a group that shares your interests to the point that hanging out with them =/= pain? If that's the case, try reasoning with your dad by saying "Look, I don't do big functions very well, but in this group I'm ok, I can connect with the human race, etc etc." Probably a better tactic than going to a rock concert and sticking earplugs in your ears.

Yup, normally I am fine. heck I can even take large groups of people if there is enough space for everyone to spread out over. Which was the case with this event, otherwise I would have probably spent the whole time hiding and trying to get a hitchhikers guide to the galaxy to play in the Sunday school room. I just stayed away from the main entrance/ gathering area and the band.

[KenderWizard]

I think I'm pretty similar: usually I'm totally fine, and I like socialising and quite like parties, but I don't like tight crowds in stuffy spaces, or lots of noise (again, musical noise is typically okay). Luckily for me, my parents never pushed it with me when they brought me to stuff, possibly because they were too busy trying to convince my little brother to stay at the party at all to worry about whether I was in the thick of things or just chatting quietly with someone on the edge of the action.

So, my advice to to procure yourself a sibling who's noticably worse at it than you are. :smalltongue:

Or, if that doesn't work, I think the main thing is to be seen to be having fun. If you're clearly having the time of your life sitting on the edge chatting to someone, I don't think any parent would drag you away just to try make you have more, different fun elsewhere. At GenCon, I was volunteering at one of the doors of the dance, and we could hear the music but it wasn't overpoweringly loud, so I danced at the door while checking badges. The other volunteers and the captain told me a few times I could go in to the stuffy, crowded, loud room to dance "properly" if I wanted, but they accepted after a little while that I was really happy dancing at the door, and that was the important thing.

[onthetown]

I was at a wedding over the weekend where the dance music was way too loud for my tastes. I stayed for a couple of hours and then waited out on the curb (I was my cousin's drive) for the next few hours until it ended.

We had a similar dispute, where he loves loud music and partying where I am sensitive to it and don't like being at a party (especially since the DJ was picking on me).

You just need to talk to your dad about your different tastes and that he should respect your limits. If you're already getting along, then this is just one bump in the road. My cousin and I have been best friends since the day I was born (we're not that far apart in age) and we're polar opposites for almost everything, but at the end of the day we respect each others' tastes.

For the party thing, my cousin left me alone as long as I didn't hassle him about drinking too much. If you can assure your dad that you can go to a party and be introverted but not crash it or complain about it (like people who are dragged to parties and then determine that they're going to take everybody down with them), he'll probably make an effort to respect you in the future. Also tell him you can enjoy the party from afar and not have to be social, so he won't feel guilty leaving you alone.

[Emongnome777]

I share many of the same feelings about large groups and such, so I can relate. My wife is extremely outgoing / extroverted and I'm the opposite. One thing I've noticed is that more socially-extroverted people tend to think that dragging others into that "scene" is doing that person a favor. They feel like everybody would be happier if they were more social. This is far from the truth, as you can attest.

As for suggestions, I echo the poster that mentioned having a calm discussion with you father about your different personalities. He probably thinks that since he would be unhappy living and acting like you, you are therefore unhappy / depressed. Demonstrate pursuits of yours that make you as happy as his interests make him. You should also be willing to "try" things his way and give him an honest assessment of how you felt about them.

For the sake of being thorough, you might consider looking into Asperger's Syndrome (http://www.aspergers.com/). Honestly, I know little about Aspergers and less about you, so please take my suggestion with a grain of salt. I just thought it would be worth mentioning. Forgive me if I'm totally off-base.

[Zen Monkey]

People are more willing to support an idea when it's theirs. The trick is leading them into the conclusion that you want them to make, so that they fully support the idea to which you led them.

When you're around the loud music and your family asks what's wrong, say you have a headache. When away from the music, remark about how you're feeling better. After a couple of times, they should see a pattern and suggest that it's the loud music. Then you can agree with 'their' idea and follow their advice about earplugs. I find this approach to be more persuasive than offering your own conclusion first when dealing with people who are prone to argue it from the start.

[druid91]

For the sake of being thorough, you might consider looking into Asperger's Syndrome (http://www.aspergers.com/). Honestly, I know little about Aspergers and less about you, so please take my suggestion with a grain of salt. I just thought it would be worth mentioning. Forgive me if I'm totally off-base.

It is certainly possible, I have some sort of disorder. Can't ever remember the name of it though.

[Erloas]

I was the impression that people used those total sound blocking muffs around that stuff.

There is nothing (practical) that blocks all noise. And inner ear ear-plugs are more effective then muffs if they are installed correctly. But in really loud cases they do wear both.
At work we have someone come in that does custom fit ear plugs and I absolutely love them. They work really well and can be taken out and put in very quickly. I've heard they also have people that do them at gun shows and motorcycle shows (both of which involve a lot of noise), and I'm sure other places as well. Since work pays for mine I don't know what they cost, but I think they are in the $50-80 range. Probably not worth it if you won't use them a lot, but for someone that uses earplugs daily they are fantastic.

[Silly Wizard]

Once people think you're insane, every attempt to prove you are normal is a product of your insanity. Same goes for depression- every cry of "I'm not depressed!" is a veiled attempt to hide your depression.

[Pyrian]

There is nothing (practical) that blocks all noise.Impractically, you could suspend (using magnets over superconducters) a fully internal environment chamber in a vacuum. :smallbiggrin:

[druid91]

Impractically, you could suspend (using magnets over superconducters) a fully internal environment chamber in a vacuum. :smallbiggrin:

Sounds fun.

[Cheetah109]

Impractically, you could suspend (using magnets over superconducters) a fully internal environment chamber in a vacuum. :smallbiggrin:

Don't think this would convince anybody that you're ok though. It may have an adverse effect.

[RandomNPC]

Impractically, you could suspend (using magnets over superconducters) a fully internal environment chamber in a vacuum. :smallbiggrin:

I'm in, when do we start?

[druid91]

Don't think this would convince anybody that you're ok though. It may have an adverse effect.

Probably, but what would I care? I'd have my own self contained environment.

[Cealocanth]

Well, It was your dad, and I've never been able to convince my dad to do anything or that I'm in any state. In this case, it was probably your dad being your dad, and caring about your interaction with other people.

Now, to convince others that you're fine. Act stern, arms down at your sides, lean in a bit closer, look them in the eye, and say calmly and quietly in a low voice, "Thank you, I'm fine". Do not say but or give a reason unless they ask. In my case, this usually works with anyone but my mom.

[druid91]

Now, to convince others that you're fine. Act stern, arms down at your sides, lean in a bit closer, look them in the eye, and say calmly and quietly in a low voice, "Thank you, I'm fine". Do not say but or give a reason unless they ask. In my case, this usually works with anyone but my mom.

That would be funny, I'm six foot five inches, most people where I live, really aren't. I have met five or six people who were as tall as me.

[Teutonic Knight]

You can never convince others that you are fine, because they will persist until you conform to their way of viewing you as normal. The more you deny it, the more they think that you are not fine and have some kind of issue with something. Little do they know that it is they who are the issue. (grammar?)

The only advise that I can give is to talk with your dad seriously. You must have a straight face, no irritated or exasperated expressions. Talk slowly and calmy and explain why you are perfectly fine. This seems to work for me, because my parents also want me to socialize more, but in my view everyone just doesn't want to continue the conversation when I try to talk to them, and I can see that they don't want to socialize either, so I just leave them alone, and my parents end up thinking that I don't socialize enough.

[742]

Well, I was at a church thing with my dad and sister, it went well until near the end my dad decided I was isolating myself, and I needed to be more social, he then all but dragged me within ten feet of the band (the big reason I had been avoiding the main area of festivities, I have sensitive ears.) to sit, and didn't let me leave until everything ended about twenty minutes later.

Now I do have a tendency to skulk around the edges of events but that is because I don't like bumping into people, the noise large numbers of people make, and parties over five or six people in general.

But in this specific case I wasn't even trying to avoid anyone, I helped out, I spoke with the few people I knew, was polite and made smalltalk with others for the small time it was necessary. The only thing I did was stay away from the band.

So how do I convince him my aversion to loud noise is justified??

Also how do I convince him that I am not going to suddenly spiral into depression because I have "isolated" myself?

Info on him, He is an extreme extrovert, will become friends with people with very little time. Oddly enough he is almost my opposite, yet we get along fine except for stuff like this.
talk to a doctor about the loud noise thing, then take that to him.

alternatively you could take hostages; thats always fun.

[druid91]

talk to a doctor about the loud noise thing, then take that to him.

alternatively you could take hostages; thats always fun.

I have, or my mom has, a while back they found that I have scarring in my ears, I had a lot of ear infections and such when I was little.

Yes it might be fun. but I doubt it would help.