Jibar
2010-08-31, 05:09 PM
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Phase and BlackFox, to...
Jibar and Rutskarn vs The World Each Other
http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a155/Jibar/RutskarnvsJibar.png
Once again I and my esteemed hated ally take to the Let's Play floor, with 100% less horribly breaking video and audio attempts, and 100% more text and lack of pictures. In our latest attempt to complete a project together, we've taken to the RTS genre to present to you accounts of our deadly battles with one another in the medium of cyberspace as video technology cannot yet capture our world shattering physical contests in the outer limits of the universe.
Hint: I'm Hal Jordan, he's Sinestro.
This is only the beginning, folks! Like this? We'll do more. Yeah, how's that for a threat. We'll do more. We'll do our own fan art. We'll write fan fiction about our created characters. Encourage us and we will unleash creative Hell upon your internets and hit you harder than Tyler Durden's ear.
Note: Inform Rutskarn of these plans
So, without further ado! Let's introduce your heroes hero Jibar!
The Players
Jibar
I'll be playing as the ssrathi, which is ssrathi for ssrathi, or in english, Lizardmen. I don't really know why, and I'm still not entirely sure what I'm doing, but scales are pretty cool. My hero is Oedipus T Rex, Dragonslayer. After murdering his parents in a bizarre and ludicrous backstory, he decided it was his mission to kill stuff. Kill lots of stuff. Battle cry: "SWORDS AND SCALES, SIBILANCE!"
Rutskarn
I’ll be playing as the fey, because I’m a big fan of playing the wussiest-looking race and because their voice actors are hilarious. For my hero, I created Pollo Manguire, fey alchemist. When not brewing up pots of hallucinogenic substances in his covered wagon, Pollo dabbles in horticulture, sewing, and leading bloodthirsty warbands. Battle cry: “Wait, what was I talking about?”
The Battle
RECORDED IN THE ANNALS OF SSRATHI HISTORY AS:
THE MERCILESS SLAUGHTER OF THE PANSY FAIRY FLOWER FOLKS
Or alternately, I guess... if you're in to fairies (http://www.chocolatehammer.org/?p=2651)
Rutskarn
0:00 Time to pick my starting units. I’m playing as the Fey, so my builder units are Oaksmen, which sounds like a now-obsolete naval era profession but is actually a squat tree-dude. One of those should be enough. For my entourage, I take a fairy dragon for defensive purposes (he’s a flyer, and can’t be hit by starting melee units) and a sylph for scouting. I decide not to take a spriggan, mostly because I remember how overpowered they were in 2E Dungeons and Dragons.
Jibar
0:00 Man, T-Rexes are expensive.
Rutskarn
0:05 In this game, you gain resources by having your hero (or town center) “convert” mines. This consists of standing near some and doing a minute-long little dance, at the end of which the mines come under your possession and start passively giving you resources. You usually start out with some really good mines in town to get you started. Unfortunately, because my hero has the confident charisma of a dried slug, I can’t take all of them in one go, and have to muck around with waypoints just to get my starting mines and order. Put down the blotter and get moving, jack.
Jibar
01:00 So let's assess our starting force. Two Chameleons, the builder units, who are incredibly hard to see. That'll be a problem for me and Rutskarn. A single Lizard Rider, to act as a guard alongside the three pre-built towers. And of course, my Hero, Oedipus T Rex, the Dragonslayer With Daddy Issues. Considering we're the reptiles, I don't know how much use he'll be, but I know Rutskarn has Fairy Dragons on his team so... I guess I'll kill them? That's a good starting plan.
Jibar
01:26 These lizards are all Mayan, so my base is some weird stone temple with the coolest power ever: making it day. Come on. The sun. I can summon the sun. If I had Superman I'd be unstoppable. It costs crystal, which I'm just rolling in so once I've done the research I intend to make the most of it.
Jibar
02:19 Hey look, a goblin, how cuteOHGOD MY LIZARD RIDER!
Rutskarn
3:36 After scouting around with my sylph, who takes every opportunity to remind me that I smell like violets, I discover a crappy hole-in-the-ground crystal mine. Better than nothing, I suppose—every damn unit in this fey’s army requires a measure of crystal to train except for spriggans, who I’m racist against. Anyway, it’s time to grab my hero and some of the sylphs I’ve trained and start cruising for resources.
Rutskarn
3:48 Hey, it’s raining. Fabulous.
Jibar
04:40 COW!
Jibar
04:41 Dead cow.
Rutskarn
5:13 While capturing some center mines, a couple of gnolls wander in and start chopping up sylphs. This game has random monsters that spawn from lairs and start suicidally assaulting your units—I’ve had a couple of gnolls wander into my base at this point, and Jibar’s griping over chat indicates that he’s got a similar infestation. I make a mental note to burn down any gnoll nurseries I come across.
Jibar
05:13 I found a goblin hovel thingy. I'm going to assume this is where that earlier murderer came from. I sent Oedipus T Rex to destory it. Ruuuun puny goblins, ruuuun!
Rutskarn
5:49 I’ve research Clumsy Racial Stereotyping, and can now train leprechauns. Their spawn structure is literally a pot of gold with a rainbow coming out of it. My first thought was that the pot of gold was some sort of leprechaun bait, and I was going to grab them by the ankles and shake them until they agreed to kill dinosaurs for me, but that hypothesis was shot when I found out it cost crystal to train them. I’m starting to wonder if this race needs any resource but crystal, bunch of new age fruitcakes.
Jibar
07:06 Oh God they've got a Shaman! Ruuuun from the not so puny goblins, ruuuun!
Jibar
07:57 Hey cool, I can build a tree. Gonna build one Hell of a tree. Gonna build the best tree. Best.
Rutskarn
8:48 Found some goblins. Luckily, they’re from the Tarol Hunt tribe, which means they appear at a rate of like three per month and then get into fights that don’t have much of an effect on anything.
Rutskarn
10:00 Holy crap, Pollo can cast spells. How did I manage to forget that in my mine-seizure and gnoll-spankage? He only knows four to start with, and I immediately make a beeline for “Create Minor Item,” which has a 77% success rate.
I cast it. The spell fails.
Jibar
10:00 I have no spells. I sad.
Rutskarn
10:22 After killing a few wandering goblins, I try the spell again, with more success. The Breastplate of Khazrami is yielded—it gives me slightly worse spellcasting and very slightly improved defense. So, it’s exactly the opposite of what I would want for my sideline hero. I put it on anyway.
Jibar
10:28 Built myself a temple and some holy priests. I guess they're my spellcaster units? I'm still not entirely sure what I'm doing.
Rutskarn
11:00 A couple gnolls trickle into my hero’s midst. I should really recall him at this point, since there are no more mines left that Jibar wouldn’t contest the taking of, but I’ve just spotted a goblin hatch and concluded, quite naturally, that it’s time for the Great Gobbo Hatch Attack.
Jibar
11:05 I've got a plan now. My tree can make Dragonflys, small, cheap flyer units. With my Sun power and my huge store of crystals, I can keep the daylight going forever and make sure my Dragonflys have maximum sight range. If I fan them out bit by bit from my starting corner I can explore the map super fast and use them as an early warning system. I congratulate myself on using tactics for the first time in an RTS.
Rutskarn
12:10 Okay, I just went into my hero’s spell list to cast Create Item, I glanced down to make a note of it, and all of the sudden, I hear, “Your hero has fallen!” I look up, wondering if I’d misheard it and Oedpius Rex had just tried to teach a dinosaur to eat from his hand, and saw that not only had my hero been murdered, my entire army was dead. I seriously have no idea what just happened, but I’ve instantly lost my ability to gather resources, build without builder units, or protect myself. That would have been an excellent ambush on Jibar’s part, but I’m 95% percent certain he had nothing to do with it and that I’d just gotten punked by some gnolls instead. GNOLLLLLSSSS!
Jibar
12:10 Oh, hey, my priests know healing magic. Considering those goblins kicked my Hero's ass earlier, this is much needed. It's great having a hero that is alive. So great.
Jibar
13:04 YEAH, YEAH! TAKE THAT GOBLIN SHAMAN. TAKE IT. BEATEN DOWN BY CHARLIE BROWN if Charlie Brown were a lizardman. Less witty lines more winning, Jibbers.
Jibar
13:35 Hey look, gnolls. How could these simple, puny creatures ever be a bother.
Rutskarn
14:10 To add insult to injury, a handful of gnolls just assaulted my base and starting smacking my towers. What the hell? What did I ever do to you bastards? Have some lucky charms and chill out, brah! No? Okay, fine, I’ll blow the ten units I’ve managed to train and show you the door. It’s a good thing Jibar is too busy ogling his future dinosaur units to assault me, or I could be screwed.
Jibar
14:41 I've been expanding, bit by bit, and I reckon I own half the map at this point. Got myself a nice stone and gold income and crap tons of crystals. Of course I use metal for everything so poop on that. Anyone's guess really why the Mayan civilisation need so much metal. There's a small base of snakemen defending my base while Oedipus is out converting things.
Jibar
16:00 I found a chest, and a Greater Troll Ring! Now my Dragonslayer heals himself. Part Troll-All Lizard Sweet.
Jibar
16:51 HELLS YEAH I built a dinosaur pen. I can build Triceratops!
Rutskarn
18:05 About 10 gnolls come to visit. They bring greenbean casserole and violence.
Jibar
18:50 HELLS YEAH TRICERATOPS HELLS YEAH. Time to build a billion more.
Jibar
20:32 While my unstoppable stampede of Triceratops is building, I've been moving my Dragonflys out further and further, and now one's come across Rutskarn's forces. At last I have an idea what he's up to and what he's up to is building more bases and OHCRAP HE SAW MY DRAGONFLY RUN DUDE RUN DUDE RUN.
Rutskarn
20:32 I HATE THIS DRAGONFLY MORE THAN I’VE EVER HATED ANYTHING BEFORE
Rutskarn
22:51 Upon closer inspection, the encyclopedia salesmen visiting my north base are gnolls. A fairy dragon takes care of them, preserving my dominance of the crystal mine there and saving Fairy Christmas.
Jibar
23:02 Score. A group of gnolls interrupted Rutskarn's force just a moment ago and the Dragonfly got away. Sucker. I'll put him back roughly a metre to the right of where he was before RUTSKARN WILL NEVER SEE IT COMING.
Rutskarn
23:32 I finished upgrading my base. On the plus side, I can now train the endgame units. On the minus side, I can only train those at my fully-upgraded main building, so I can’t just set up a bunch of buldings to churn ‘em out, which is my preferred strategy. So, I’ve got a stream of quality units coming out, but it ain’t a very fast stream.
Jibar
24:32 OH GOD THERE ARE GNOLLS EVERYWHERE SUDDENLY WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH oh yeah, I have Triceratops. Problem solved.
Rutskarn
24:59 Since my hero can’t convert mines anymore, being dead, I build a new main building in the south to convert me some crystal mines. I’m going to need this to train a half-decent army.
Jibar
25:33 I'm on my final rung of the tech tree, which means I'm building my final building. Which means... T-Rexes.
Jibar
27:49 Started building my first T-Rex.
Jibar
28:50 T-REX
Jibar
29:42 GNOLLS
Rutskarn
30:32 Right, that’s it. I just need two or three more unicorns, a couple of sylphs, and maybe a half-dozen leprechauns and we’re ready to schlep over to Lizardville and do some quality violence. I have a feeling Jibar’s trained mostly melee units, so as long as I hang back and let him come to me, I can take the bulk of his army with my ranged sylphs, leprechauns, and banshees before muscling in to tank his towers with my unicorns. It’s a tactic straight from the spiral-bound war diaries of General Lisa Frank.
Jibar
31:26 While more T-Rexes build, I grab the final upgrade of the line of sight tree and now I can see EVERYTHING. NOTHING IS HIDDEN FROM JIBAR. No more fog of war, no more hidden parts of the map. I can see everything Rutskarn is doing... that's a lot of units in his corner.
Jibar
32:47 Oh snap, Rutskarn's moving everything he's got towards my base. This means WAR! Because that's what we should've been doing this whole time!
Jibar
33:13 And the gnolls move in! It's a three way battle to the death! Unicorns and Leprechauns vs Triceratops and Snakemen vs Gnolls Gnolls Gnolls!
Jibar
34:00 AND IN COMES THE T-REX!
Rutskarn
34:02 Okay, looks like he’s got some triceratopses—oop, adolescent torosauruses—and some lizard dudes. Not as bad as I thought it would OH GOD A T-REX WHAT HAVE I DONE THE ANCIENTS WARNED US ABOUT THIS
Jibar
35:00 In the end, everything died, Rutskarn destroyed one of my towers, and the only survivor is my beautiful T-Rex. He shall be named... King Dong.
Rutskarn
35:02 The bad news is, Jibar’s still alive. The good news is, I’ve lost my entire army and he still has his most powerful unit. Wait.
Jibar
36:00 Sneak attack time. Oedipus has been sitting at the south of the map, waiting for his moment. Now, with nothing to stop me, I send him to steal a bunch of Rutskarn's mines while I send King Dong down to rendevous.
Rutskarn
36:15 Oho, somebody thinks he can take my mines, eh? Time to ineffectually fling a couple fresh-trained leprechauns at him and hope he runs away!
Rutskarn
37:20 Hey, it kind of worked. He stepped off, and all I had to do was lose most of my leprechauns failing to take down his tyrannosaur. Now all I have to do is concentrate on re-re-re-building my army, and I’m probably not completely screwed forever!
Jibar
37:31 GNOLLS
Jibar
40:31 GNOLLS EVERYWHERE. I'm bouncing off Rutskarn's expansions bit by bit, Snakemen to the north, Oedipus and King Dong to the south. Once I knock down the south one, I'm sending in Oedipus and King Dong to destroy Rutskarn's base while he sends his troops north, meaning I can have my way with his stuff.
Rutskarn
40:46 Crap, he’s back at my south base—and now he’s attacking my north one! I’ve got a decent-ish army now, but I can’t defend two targets at once, and I don’t know which he’s got the bulk of his forces stationed near. I’ll go after his hero and let the north one burn, I guess. It’s okay—my ace in the hole has been training for like five minutes now, and he’s 90% finished.
Rutskarn
41:25 Uh oh. His hero and one of his Rexes are coming to hit my base, and my Crack Leprechaun Division is still mired in the south. He can cause a lot of damage if I don’t get there in time…and if he breaks my golden unicorn statue before my ace is done training, after I’ve waited six minutes for him, I think I’m gonna cry. 97% done…
Rutskarn
42:30 Oh thank god. I managed to divert his T-rex with my leprechauns, which gives me time to let my unit finish building. He’s running roughshod all over me, but it won’t matter as long as I hit 100%. I’m at 98…99…
Aaaaaand I’ve hit my unit cap, so he refuses to come out.
Yeah. Jibar just broke all my main buildings, so my maximum unit threshold cap sunk like a stone, and suddenly I’m five points over the limit. And this guy requires four points. He’s done, but he won’t come out unless I lose half my army first. Of course, there’s no way to kill units with the delete key, or else I’d be winning as we speak. Luckily Jibar’s pulled back a bit to regenerate his forces.
Jibar
42:38 I lost a T-Rex somewhere. I mean... he didn't die, but I don't know where he is.
Rutskarn
45:01 I’m throwing my Crack Leprechaun Division directly into his face. It looks like a suicide assault, but that’s only because it is. Come on, you bastards, I’ve got important troops to fund!
Jibar
45:02 I'm so close to winning at this point, half his base is destroyed and I just knocked down his north expansion. Time to make the final push and destroy what is left of his buildings.
Rutskarn
45:14 Crap, he’s in my base again. Of course, he immediately goes for my golden unicorn statue again, and within like ten seconds it’s on fire. How does that even make sense? Man, this sucks. I’ve got my entire endgame sitting around in there, and the only reason I can’t bring him out is that I’ve got too many leprechauns stinking up the place! I shove my remaining couple of leprechauns against his T-Rex to distract it. The next ten seconds will decide the match. Does he go for the statue, or does he turn around to stomp some leprechauns?
YES! HE’S GOING FOR THE LEPRECHAUNS—and suddenly, I’ve got some breathing room!
Welcome to the battlefield, Mr. Forestwarden. I’ve always thought there’s no gasping war effort that couldn’t be improved by a giant centaur-titan with a bow.
Jibar
46:00 Welp, there goes my victory. That's a big centaur. There's a creepy furry out there who is very happy right now.
Rutskarn
46:15 A couple of shots and Oedpius hits the dirt. His precious dinosaur rides his coattails—or just regular tail—straight to Hell. Okay, that’s it, time to get him and leprechauns #24 and #86 over to give Jibar some payback. Return to freakin’ centaur! (http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/9/98/Scout_cartgoingbackdefense01.wav)
Jibar
49:35 Crap
Rutskarn
49:41 This guy has so many damned hitpoints, it’s almost unfair. He literally is single-handedly taking on Jibar’s entire base, his only assistance coming from whatever scrap units I manage to scrounge together and schlep his way. It’s going to take a while to kill all of Jibar’s buildings with what amounts to a really big longbow, but I’ll get there.
Jibar
51:29 Hey, it's that T-Rex! I found him! Straight to Smacky's base he goes!
Jibar
53:56 And now Rutskarn has destroyed my Dino Pen so I can't keep pumping out T-Rexes.
Jibar
54:45 Boop.
Rutskarn
55:45 Oh, hey, I could have been making demons this whole time too. When did I convert that random demon sanctuaryoh they take ten minutes to train and I’ve hit my cap anyway.
Jibar
55:45 Oh, hey, I could've been making Pterodactyls this whole time too. When did I upgrade that treeoh it's been destroyed now.
Rutskarn
56:01 My Forestwarden, who I’ve named 50 Centaur, manages to shoot down Jibar’s last building. Game over, fairies win.
Jibar
56:01 Well that's it. Game over, man. Spoils: I found myself a Red Mage for my entourage, and Oedipus gained a post mortem level in addition to the three he gained while alive.
Final Thoughts
Rutskarn
That was way too close. Jibar actually had significant tactical, economic, and military superiority for much of the game, especially after I lost my ability to get new mines. If hadn’t decided to train up a titan after losing my first army, and if he’d managed to take out the building training it, I would have been completely screwed.
Of course, Oedpius T. Rex managed to significantly outlevel Pollo, so the results of next match are anybody’s guess. One thing’s for sure: I am definitely not playing Fey again. I can’t get a handle on their upgrades and unit structures, and they seem somehow even more crystal-centric than the Wood Elves, my usual.
Hm. Pollo, pick yourself up and pick up some Deep Woods Off!—we’re going to see about getting you transferred…
Jibar
In the end? Man was I close. If that damn Forestwarden hadn't shown up, or if I'd managed to get my Chameleons out when he first attacked, I would've had him dead. BUT, I killed three times the folks he did so I'd count myself the victor overall. King Dong dined well on Leprechaun flesh.
Good game. Good game.
AND LIKE THE MIGHTY PHOENIX (his mother), OEDIPUS RISES FROM THE ASHES TO FIGHT AGAIN! But then, there's also this lovely minotaur I know who wants a scrap at Rutskarn...
Jibar and Rutskarn vs The World Each Other
http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a155/Jibar/RutskarnvsJibar.png
Once again I and my esteemed hated ally take to the Let's Play floor, with 100% less horribly breaking video and audio attempts, and 100% more text and lack of pictures. In our latest attempt to complete a project together, we've taken to the RTS genre to present to you accounts of our deadly battles with one another in the medium of cyberspace as video technology cannot yet capture our world shattering physical contests in the outer limits of the universe.
Hint: I'm Hal Jordan, he's Sinestro.
This is only the beginning, folks! Like this? We'll do more. Yeah, how's that for a threat. We'll do more. We'll do our own fan art. We'll write fan fiction about our created characters. Encourage us and we will unleash creative Hell upon your internets and hit you harder than Tyler Durden's ear.
Note: Inform Rutskarn of these plans
So, without further ado! Let's introduce your heroes hero Jibar!
The Players
Jibar
I'll be playing as the ssrathi, which is ssrathi for ssrathi, or in english, Lizardmen. I don't really know why, and I'm still not entirely sure what I'm doing, but scales are pretty cool. My hero is Oedipus T Rex, Dragonslayer. After murdering his parents in a bizarre and ludicrous backstory, he decided it was his mission to kill stuff. Kill lots of stuff. Battle cry: "SWORDS AND SCALES, SIBILANCE!"
Rutskarn
I’ll be playing as the fey, because I’m a big fan of playing the wussiest-looking race and because their voice actors are hilarious. For my hero, I created Pollo Manguire, fey alchemist. When not brewing up pots of hallucinogenic substances in his covered wagon, Pollo dabbles in horticulture, sewing, and leading bloodthirsty warbands. Battle cry: “Wait, what was I talking about?”
The Battle
RECORDED IN THE ANNALS OF SSRATHI HISTORY AS:
THE MERCILESS SLAUGHTER OF THE PANSY FAIRY FLOWER FOLKS
Or alternately, I guess... if you're in to fairies (http://www.chocolatehammer.org/?p=2651)
Rutskarn
0:00 Time to pick my starting units. I’m playing as the Fey, so my builder units are Oaksmen, which sounds like a now-obsolete naval era profession but is actually a squat tree-dude. One of those should be enough. For my entourage, I take a fairy dragon for defensive purposes (he’s a flyer, and can’t be hit by starting melee units) and a sylph for scouting. I decide not to take a spriggan, mostly because I remember how overpowered they were in 2E Dungeons and Dragons.
Jibar
0:00 Man, T-Rexes are expensive.
Rutskarn
0:05 In this game, you gain resources by having your hero (or town center) “convert” mines. This consists of standing near some and doing a minute-long little dance, at the end of which the mines come under your possession and start passively giving you resources. You usually start out with some really good mines in town to get you started. Unfortunately, because my hero has the confident charisma of a dried slug, I can’t take all of them in one go, and have to muck around with waypoints just to get my starting mines and order. Put down the blotter and get moving, jack.
Jibar
01:00 So let's assess our starting force. Two Chameleons, the builder units, who are incredibly hard to see. That'll be a problem for me and Rutskarn. A single Lizard Rider, to act as a guard alongside the three pre-built towers. And of course, my Hero, Oedipus T Rex, the Dragonslayer With Daddy Issues. Considering we're the reptiles, I don't know how much use he'll be, but I know Rutskarn has Fairy Dragons on his team so... I guess I'll kill them? That's a good starting plan.
Jibar
01:26 These lizards are all Mayan, so my base is some weird stone temple with the coolest power ever: making it day. Come on. The sun. I can summon the sun. If I had Superman I'd be unstoppable. It costs crystal, which I'm just rolling in so once I've done the research I intend to make the most of it.
Jibar
02:19 Hey look, a goblin, how cuteOHGOD MY LIZARD RIDER!
Rutskarn
3:36 After scouting around with my sylph, who takes every opportunity to remind me that I smell like violets, I discover a crappy hole-in-the-ground crystal mine. Better than nothing, I suppose—every damn unit in this fey’s army requires a measure of crystal to train except for spriggans, who I’m racist against. Anyway, it’s time to grab my hero and some of the sylphs I’ve trained and start cruising for resources.
Rutskarn
3:48 Hey, it’s raining. Fabulous.
Jibar
04:40 COW!
Jibar
04:41 Dead cow.
Rutskarn
5:13 While capturing some center mines, a couple of gnolls wander in and start chopping up sylphs. This game has random monsters that spawn from lairs and start suicidally assaulting your units—I’ve had a couple of gnolls wander into my base at this point, and Jibar’s griping over chat indicates that he’s got a similar infestation. I make a mental note to burn down any gnoll nurseries I come across.
Jibar
05:13 I found a goblin hovel thingy. I'm going to assume this is where that earlier murderer came from. I sent Oedipus T Rex to destory it. Ruuuun puny goblins, ruuuun!
Rutskarn
5:49 I’ve research Clumsy Racial Stereotyping, and can now train leprechauns. Their spawn structure is literally a pot of gold with a rainbow coming out of it. My first thought was that the pot of gold was some sort of leprechaun bait, and I was going to grab them by the ankles and shake them until they agreed to kill dinosaurs for me, but that hypothesis was shot when I found out it cost crystal to train them. I’m starting to wonder if this race needs any resource but crystal, bunch of new age fruitcakes.
Jibar
07:06 Oh God they've got a Shaman! Ruuuun from the not so puny goblins, ruuuun!
Jibar
07:57 Hey cool, I can build a tree. Gonna build one Hell of a tree. Gonna build the best tree. Best.
Rutskarn
8:48 Found some goblins. Luckily, they’re from the Tarol Hunt tribe, which means they appear at a rate of like three per month and then get into fights that don’t have much of an effect on anything.
Rutskarn
10:00 Holy crap, Pollo can cast spells. How did I manage to forget that in my mine-seizure and gnoll-spankage? He only knows four to start with, and I immediately make a beeline for “Create Minor Item,” which has a 77% success rate.
I cast it. The spell fails.
Jibar
10:00 I have no spells. I sad.
Rutskarn
10:22 After killing a few wandering goblins, I try the spell again, with more success. The Breastplate of Khazrami is yielded—it gives me slightly worse spellcasting and very slightly improved defense. So, it’s exactly the opposite of what I would want for my sideline hero. I put it on anyway.
Jibar
10:28 Built myself a temple and some holy priests. I guess they're my spellcaster units? I'm still not entirely sure what I'm doing.
Rutskarn
11:00 A couple gnolls trickle into my hero’s midst. I should really recall him at this point, since there are no more mines left that Jibar wouldn’t contest the taking of, but I’ve just spotted a goblin hatch and concluded, quite naturally, that it’s time for the Great Gobbo Hatch Attack.
Jibar
11:05 I've got a plan now. My tree can make Dragonflys, small, cheap flyer units. With my Sun power and my huge store of crystals, I can keep the daylight going forever and make sure my Dragonflys have maximum sight range. If I fan them out bit by bit from my starting corner I can explore the map super fast and use them as an early warning system. I congratulate myself on using tactics for the first time in an RTS.
Rutskarn
12:10 Okay, I just went into my hero’s spell list to cast Create Item, I glanced down to make a note of it, and all of the sudden, I hear, “Your hero has fallen!” I look up, wondering if I’d misheard it and Oedpius Rex had just tried to teach a dinosaur to eat from his hand, and saw that not only had my hero been murdered, my entire army was dead. I seriously have no idea what just happened, but I’ve instantly lost my ability to gather resources, build without builder units, or protect myself. That would have been an excellent ambush on Jibar’s part, but I’m 95% percent certain he had nothing to do with it and that I’d just gotten punked by some gnolls instead. GNOLLLLLSSSS!
Jibar
12:10 Oh, hey, my priests know healing magic. Considering those goblins kicked my Hero's ass earlier, this is much needed. It's great having a hero that is alive. So great.
Jibar
13:04 YEAH, YEAH! TAKE THAT GOBLIN SHAMAN. TAKE IT. BEATEN DOWN BY CHARLIE BROWN if Charlie Brown were a lizardman. Less witty lines more winning, Jibbers.
Jibar
13:35 Hey look, gnolls. How could these simple, puny creatures ever be a bother.
Rutskarn
14:10 To add insult to injury, a handful of gnolls just assaulted my base and starting smacking my towers. What the hell? What did I ever do to you bastards? Have some lucky charms and chill out, brah! No? Okay, fine, I’ll blow the ten units I’ve managed to train and show you the door. It’s a good thing Jibar is too busy ogling his future dinosaur units to assault me, or I could be screwed.
Jibar
14:41 I've been expanding, bit by bit, and I reckon I own half the map at this point. Got myself a nice stone and gold income and crap tons of crystals. Of course I use metal for everything so poop on that. Anyone's guess really why the Mayan civilisation need so much metal. There's a small base of snakemen defending my base while Oedipus is out converting things.
Jibar
16:00 I found a chest, and a Greater Troll Ring! Now my Dragonslayer heals himself. Part Troll-All Lizard Sweet.
Jibar
16:51 HELLS YEAH I built a dinosaur pen. I can build Triceratops!
Rutskarn
18:05 About 10 gnolls come to visit. They bring greenbean casserole and violence.
Jibar
18:50 HELLS YEAH TRICERATOPS HELLS YEAH. Time to build a billion more.
Jibar
20:32 While my unstoppable stampede of Triceratops is building, I've been moving my Dragonflys out further and further, and now one's come across Rutskarn's forces. At last I have an idea what he's up to and what he's up to is building more bases and OHCRAP HE SAW MY DRAGONFLY RUN DUDE RUN DUDE RUN.
Rutskarn
20:32 I HATE THIS DRAGONFLY MORE THAN I’VE EVER HATED ANYTHING BEFORE
Rutskarn
22:51 Upon closer inspection, the encyclopedia salesmen visiting my north base are gnolls. A fairy dragon takes care of them, preserving my dominance of the crystal mine there and saving Fairy Christmas.
Jibar
23:02 Score. A group of gnolls interrupted Rutskarn's force just a moment ago and the Dragonfly got away. Sucker. I'll put him back roughly a metre to the right of where he was before RUTSKARN WILL NEVER SEE IT COMING.
Rutskarn
23:32 I finished upgrading my base. On the plus side, I can now train the endgame units. On the minus side, I can only train those at my fully-upgraded main building, so I can’t just set up a bunch of buldings to churn ‘em out, which is my preferred strategy. So, I’ve got a stream of quality units coming out, but it ain’t a very fast stream.
Jibar
24:32 OH GOD THERE ARE GNOLLS EVERYWHERE SUDDENLY WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH oh yeah, I have Triceratops. Problem solved.
Rutskarn
24:59 Since my hero can’t convert mines anymore, being dead, I build a new main building in the south to convert me some crystal mines. I’m going to need this to train a half-decent army.
Jibar
25:33 I'm on my final rung of the tech tree, which means I'm building my final building. Which means... T-Rexes.
Jibar
27:49 Started building my first T-Rex.
Jibar
28:50 T-REX
Jibar
29:42 GNOLLS
Rutskarn
30:32 Right, that’s it. I just need two or three more unicorns, a couple of sylphs, and maybe a half-dozen leprechauns and we’re ready to schlep over to Lizardville and do some quality violence. I have a feeling Jibar’s trained mostly melee units, so as long as I hang back and let him come to me, I can take the bulk of his army with my ranged sylphs, leprechauns, and banshees before muscling in to tank his towers with my unicorns. It’s a tactic straight from the spiral-bound war diaries of General Lisa Frank.
Jibar
31:26 While more T-Rexes build, I grab the final upgrade of the line of sight tree and now I can see EVERYTHING. NOTHING IS HIDDEN FROM JIBAR. No more fog of war, no more hidden parts of the map. I can see everything Rutskarn is doing... that's a lot of units in his corner.
Jibar
32:47 Oh snap, Rutskarn's moving everything he's got towards my base. This means WAR! Because that's what we should've been doing this whole time!
Jibar
33:13 And the gnolls move in! It's a three way battle to the death! Unicorns and Leprechauns vs Triceratops and Snakemen vs Gnolls Gnolls Gnolls!
Jibar
34:00 AND IN COMES THE T-REX!
Rutskarn
34:02 Okay, looks like he’s got some triceratopses—oop, adolescent torosauruses—and some lizard dudes. Not as bad as I thought it would OH GOD A T-REX WHAT HAVE I DONE THE ANCIENTS WARNED US ABOUT THIS
Jibar
35:00 In the end, everything died, Rutskarn destroyed one of my towers, and the only survivor is my beautiful T-Rex. He shall be named... King Dong.
Rutskarn
35:02 The bad news is, Jibar’s still alive. The good news is, I’ve lost my entire army and he still has his most powerful unit. Wait.
Jibar
36:00 Sneak attack time. Oedipus has been sitting at the south of the map, waiting for his moment. Now, with nothing to stop me, I send him to steal a bunch of Rutskarn's mines while I send King Dong down to rendevous.
Rutskarn
36:15 Oho, somebody thinks he can take my mines, eh? Time to ineffectually fling a couple fresh-trained leprechauns at him and hope he runs away!
Rutskarn
37:20 Hey, it kind of worked. He stepped off, and all I had to do was lose most of my leprechauns failing to take down his tyrannosaur. Now all I have to do is concentrate on re-re-re-building my army, and I’m probably not completely screwed forever!
Jibar
37:31 GNOLLS
Jibar
40:31 GNOLLS EVERYWHERE. I'm bouncing off Rutskarn's expansions bit by bit, Snakemen to the north, Oedipus and King Dong to the south. Once I knock down the south one, I'm sending in Oedipus and King Dong to destroy Rutskarn's base while he sends his troops north, meaning I can have my way with his stuff.
Rutskarn
40:46 Crap, he’s back at my south base—and now he’s attacking my north one! I’ve got a decent-ish army now, but I can’t defend two targets at once, and I don’t know which he’s got the bulk of his forces stationed near. I’ll go after his hero and let the north one burn, I guess. It’s okay—my ace in the hole has been training for like five minutes now, and he’s 90% finished.
Rutskarn
41:25 Uh oh. His hero and one of his Rexes are coming to hit my base, and my Crack Leprechaun Division is still mired in the south. He can cause a lot of damage if I don’t get there in time…and if he breaks my golden unicorn statue before my ace is done training, after I’ve waited six minutes for him, I think I’m gonna cry. 97% done…
Rutskarn
42:30 Oh thank god. I managed to divert his T-rex with my leprechauns, which gives me time to let my unit finish building. He’s running roughshod all over me, but it won’t matter as long as I hit 100%. I’m at 98…99…
Aaaaaand I’ve hit my unit cap, so he refuses to come out.
Yeah. Jibar just broke all my main buildings, so my maximum unit threshold cap sunk like a stone, and suddenly I’m five points over the limit. And this guy requires four points. He’s done, but he won’t come out unless I lose half my army first. Of course, there’s no way to kill units with the delete key, or else I’d be winning as we speak. Luckily Jibar’s pulled back a bit to regenerate his forces.
Jibar
42:38 I lost a T-Rex somewhere. I mean... he didn't die, but I don't know where he is.
Rutskarn
45:01 I’m throwing my Crack Leprechaun Division directly into his face. It looks like a suicide assault, but that’s only because it is. Come on, you bastards, I’ve got important troops to fund!
Jibar
45:02 I'm so close to winning at this point, half his base is destroyed and I just knocked down his north expansion. Time to make the final push and destroy what is left of his buildings.
Rutskarn
45:14 Crap, he’s in my base again. Of course, he immediately goes for my golden unicorn statue again, and within like ten seconds it’s on fire. How does that even make sense? Man, this sucks. I’ve got my entire endgame sitting around in there, and the only reason I can’t bring him out is that I’ve got too many leprechauns stinking up the place! I shove my remaining couple of leprechauns against his T-Rex to distract it. The next ten seconds will decide the match. Does he go for the statue, or does he turn around to stomp some leprechauns?
YES! HE’S GOING FOR THE LEPRECHAUNS—and suddenly, I’ve got some breathing room!
Welcome to the battlefield, Mr. Forestwarden. I’ve always thought there’s no gasping war effort that couldn’t be improved by a giant centaur-titan with a bow.
Jibar
46:00 Welp, there goes my victory. That's a big centaur. There's a creepy furry out there who is very happy right now.
Rutskarn
46:15 A couple of shots and Oedpius hits the dirt. His precious dinosaur rides his coattails—or just regular tail—straight to Hell. Okay, that’s it, time to get him and leprechauns #24 and #86 over to give Jibar some payback. Return to freakin’ centaur! (http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/9/98/Scout_cartgoingbackdefense01.wav)
Jibar
49:35 Crap
Rutskarn
49:41 This guy has so many damned hitpoints, it’s almost unfair. He literally is single-handedly taking on Jibar’s entire base, his only assistance coming from whatever scrap units I manage to scrounge together and schlep his way. It’s going to take a while to kill all of Jibar’s buildings with what amounts to a really big longbow, but I’ll get there.
Jibar
51:29 Hey, it's that T-Rex! I found him! Straight to Smacky's base he goes!
Jibar
53:56 And now Rutskarn has destroyed my Dino Pen so I can't keep pumping out T-Rexes.
Jibar
54:45 Boop.
Rutskarn
55:45 Oh, hey, I could have been making demons this whole time too. When did I convert that random demon sanctuaryoh they take ten minutes to train and I’ve hit my cap anyway.
Jibar
55:45 Oh, hey, I could've been making Pterodactyls this whole time too. When did I upgrade that treeoh it's been destroyed now.
Rutskarn
56:01 My Forestwarden, who I’ve named 50 Centaur, manages to shoot down Jibar’s last building. Game over, fairies win.
Jibar
56:01 Well that's it. Game over, man. Spoils: I found myself a Red Mage for my entourage, and Oedipus gained a post mortem level in addition to the three he gained while alive.
Final Thoughts
Rutskarn
That was way too close. Jibar actually had significant tactical, economic, and military superiority for much of the game, especially after I lost my ability to get new mines. If hadn’t decided to train up a titan after losing my first army, and if he’d managed to take out the building training it, I would have been completely screwed.
Of course, Oedpius T. Rex managed to significantly outlevel Pollo, so the results of next match are anybody’s guess. One thing’s for sure: I am definitely not playing Fey again. I can’t get a handle on their upgrades and unit structures, and they seem somehow even more crystal-centric than the Wood Elves, my usual.
Hm. Pollo, pick yourself up and pick up some Deep Woods Off!—we’re going to see about getting you transferred…
Jibar
In the end? Man was I close. If that damn Forestwarden hadn't shown up, or if I'd managed to get my Chameleons out when he first attacked, I would've had him dead. BUT, I killed three times the folks he did so I'd count myself the victor overall. King Dong dined well on Leprechaun flesh.
Good game. Good game.
AND LIKE THE MIGHTY PHOENIX (his mother), OEDIPUS RISES FROM THE ASHES TO FIGHT AGAIN! But then, there's also this lovely minotaur I know who wants a scrap at Rutskarn...