So I visited my friends grave.

[pffh]

Quite frankly I'm not sure why I'm posting this thread here , I do not know anyone here. But maybe that is the reason I chose to post it here and not somewhere else. All I know is I feel like I must get this out somewhere instead of keeping it all in.

Lets start with a little story. Me and a couple of friends are out partying, celebrating that one of us is going abroad to study. For some reason me and a friend get separated from the rest of the group and we decide to meet them at our usual bar. While making our way to the bar my friend suddenly runs off and disappears around a corner, I run after him but can't find him so I simply assume he ran to the bar. When I arrive I can't find him there so me and the rest assume he must have met some of his other friends (or a girl). The next morning I get a call from his mother informing me that he had jumped of a building. This happened several weeks ago.

Two days ago I decided to visit his grave. It's been almost a month since he was buried and I thought I had gotten over how much I miss him. But I haven't I miss him so much. I miss him more then I can describe and even now I can't understand why he did it.

The cemetery was very peaceful and the weather was quite nice even if it was very windy and lighting a candle was bloody difficult. I probably looked like an idiot standing there cursing at a lighter and a candle but it distracted me from the fact that I was standing next to my friends grave.
A friend that I will never see again, that I will never hug again, never lan with again, never have my ass kicked while playing on the x-box against him, never make fun of his driving and parking again, never drinking with again, never going to a lan with him again and never play d&d with him again. I miss the little bugger.

I just want my friend back. Is that to much to ask? Why can't I have him back?

[Elentari]

Losing a friend is never easy. I know from bitter experience. People always say to move on, to get over it, but I'm sure you know that it isn't that simple. I wish it was though. When I lost my friend, it took me years to accept the fact that I'd never see her again, talk to her, have sleepovers, you name it. She was my best friend, and the hole it left never really healed and I don't think it ever will.

Feel free to PM me if you want to. It really helps to have someone to talk to.

[Liriel]

Losing a friend is never easy. I know from bitter experience. People always say to move on, to get over it, but I'm sure you know that it isn't that simple. I wish it was though. When I lost my friend, it took me years to accept the fact that I'd never see her again, talk to her, have sleepovers, you name it. She was my best friend, and the hole it left never really healed and I don't think it ever will.

Feel free to PM me if you want to. It really helps to have someone to talk to.

Everything Elentari said +1. My best friend was killed 13 years ago and I'm still not "over it." I still miss her, find myself wanting to call her up for some random thing... The hole is still there.

One day at a time.

My PM box is open as well if you'd like.

[KenderWizard]

That's a terrible thing to have happened, I'm really sorry to hear it.

It's completely normal to feel that way. Usually for people, when they lose someone they care about, it's about a year before they feel things are "normal". That's not to say that then they don't miss the person anymore or don't have moments when they're still upset about it, just that they can come to terms with it a bit. If it's only been a month, it must still be awful for you, but going to the grave was a good thing to do.

[pendell]

That's ... poetic. It conveys your deep sadness and loss in losing a friend.

When I was in third grade, I betrayed my best friend by handing him over to a pack of bullies. It was him or me, and I chose him.

The next day he was run over by a car, and died.

I've mourned that loss ever since. Not only the loss of a friend, but the fact of a wrong that I can never make right, now.

It's like a tiny corner of pain in my heart. I usually try to drown it out and shut it out, but it's there , in the silence.

I'm "over" his death in the sense that I'm not wallowing in depression. But there's a part of me that hasn't stopped grieving, has never stopped grieving, because when that happens I'll have lost my friend twice -- once in body, and the second time in my heart.

I don't think it's too much to want your friend back. Who knows? Death is an undiscovered country, and who knows what we will find when we journey there in our turn? I was taught in a manner we can't discuss here that the greatest, most enduring things are Faith, Hope, and Love. The greatest of these is Love, and few loves are greater than the love of one friend for another.

And so I hope that the love I bear will not be wholly in vain. And if it isn't .. well, it doesn't make the reality of the loss any easier to bear NOT to believe that.

Respectfully,

Brian P.

[CrimsonAngel]

Did anyone know why he jumped? :smallconfused: I still cry about my dead friend.

[pffh]

Thanks everyone and I´m really sorry for all of your losses. And even if I wish no one would have to have this happen to them, it is kinda comforting knowing that there are people that know exactly how I feel.


Did anyone know why he jumped? :smallconfused: I still cry about my dead friend.

No one knew anything no even his brother (also a good friend of mine) nor his parents, he had never showed any signs of depression. It came out of thin air. The only thing I can think of that should have ticked something off was the fact that earlier that night me and him had a little chat on the balcony he jumped off about the meaning of life and it's purpose.
I told him the meaning of life is to do whatever makes you and other people happy and I hope so much that where ever he is now that he is happy. Because I am not...

[Syka]

*hugs*

There...really isn't much more I can say. Just be sure you talk to people if you need to. Even here is a good place.

[Elentari]

Did anyone know why he jumped? :smallconfused: I still cry about my dead friend.

Its ok, I still tear up every once in a while, thinking about my friend.


Thanks everyone and I´m really sorry for all of your losses. And even if I wish no one would have to have this happen to them, it is kinda comforting knowing that there are people that know exactly how I feel.



No one knew anything no even his brother (also a good friend of mine) nor his parents, he had never showed any signs of depression. It came out of thin air. The only thing I can think of that should have ticked something off was the fact that earlier that night me and him had a little chat on the balcony he jumped off about the meaning of life and it's purpose.
I told him the meaning of life is to do whatever makes you and other people happy and I hope so much that where ever he is now that he is happy. Because I am not...

*hugs lots* Have you considered talking to a grief counselor? Sometimes, it can help, but sometimes not. It's up to you. Just don't keep it all inside. I did, and it ended up coming out in a bad way before I realized I needed help.

[averagejoe]

That's the problem with loss, there's something irreplaceable missing. Solace is not having it hurt less, but remembering it less often. That's all the hope anyone has, I think. But the thought of not remembering is a terrible one too. So who knows?

My condolences, to everyone.

[Dusk Eclipse]

I can't relate much; but I want to say that I am sorry for your loss. My PM box is also open if would like to talk to someone.

[pffh]

That's the problem with loss, there's something irreplaceable missing. Solace is not having it hurt less, but remembering it less often. That's all the hope anyone has, I think. But the thought of not remembering is a terrible one too. So who knows?

My condolences, to everyone.

Yeah that is my biggest worry right now, to not remember him in a few years.


Its ok, I still tear up every once in a while, thinking about my friend.



*hugs lots* Have you considered talking to a grief counselor? Sometimes, it can help, but sometimes not. It's up to you. Just don't keep it all inside. I did, and it ended up coming out in a bad way before I realized I needed help.

Yeah I talked to some grief counselor, that was nice really helped me get back into a daily routine.

[Elentari]

Don't worry about forgetting your friend. In time, his face might get a bit blurry, memories won't be as sharp, but he'll always be there if you want to remember him. If you feel comfortable with it, keeping a picture (or pictures) of him might help you keep him in your life. I have a picture of my friend in my room. Now (after..wow..5 years already) I can remember her face without starting get really sad. It takes time but, really. Don't worry. If you want to remember him, you will.

Thats good to hear that you're talking to someone. Just don't think that after a certain amount of time, you're supposed to get over it and not be sad anymore, or not move on by then. Let it out. It'll get better when it gets better, not when you want it to get better.

As always, *hugs*

[MelWhite]

A shock like that never quite leaves, as others have said. But the suddenness of your friend's action... I wonder, was he on some type of medication that has unusual side effects (impulsive actions.)

There was a belief in ancient Egypt that as long as a person's name could be read (existed in some form) they would never die. The graves included a prayer formula, "Traveler, you who pass by, please say 'may there be a gift of clothing and beer and food and scented oils and everything good and pure that the souls of the blessed dead delight in' for the soul of (person's name inserted.)"

Sometimes, when I think of my friends and relatives who have died, I will say a little wish for "a thousand days of good things for your soul" and fantasize them enjoying a good meal with me or a good time together under a tree.

Anyway... I'm sorry for your loss and for the losses of the others here.




(I took a lot of liberties with the translation, combining several forms of the blessing)

[Dmatix]

I'm sorry for your lost. I don't really have any useful advice, expect this:
In times like this, being together with others helps. Try talking about him with others who knew him, common friends, etc. I think it will make you feel a little better. Also, If you're up to it, try to spend some time with his family, They'll probably really appreciate it.
Once again, sorry for your lost.

[Asta Kask]

I've been on the other side of the fence, so to speak... the suicidal state. It's a strange place to be - it's not conflicted anymore because everything seems so clear suddenly. The world would really be a better place without you. Your friends and loved ones may grieve for a while, but they'll understand it was all for the best in the long run. These things are as self-evidently true as 2+2=4 or "up is up"... I wouldn't call it psychotic, but it's definitely brother to the psychotic state.

I'm sorry for your loss, pffh.

[KenderWizard]

That's the problem with loss, there's something irreplaceable missing. Solace is not having it hurt less, but remembering it less often. That's all the hope anyone has, I think. But the thought of not remembering is a terrible one too. So who knows?

My condolences, to everyone.

I think what you want to achieve is being able to remember the good times, remember the person for who they were, without getting really upset, like Elentari remembering her friend's face.

Edit: fixed a verb!

[Eon]

I had a friend who died earlier this year.

No one knows why...


Whenever I think about him, I feel very sad.

I only knew him for a few months.


If you ever need to talk, my inbox is open, and I try to check every day.

[Kiren]

I am sorry for your loss, I don't have much to say in support, but your friend is in a better place.

[PhoeKun]

That's the problem with loss, there's something irreplaceable missing. Solace is not having it hurt less, but remembering it less often. That's all the hope anyone has, I think. But the thought of not remembering is a terrible one too. So who knows?

My condolences, to everyone.


Yeah that is my biggest worry right now, to not remember him in a few years.

It's less that you will forget your friend, and more that you will eventually stop remembering in this context. There are a thousand stories you could tell about your friend, even if you can't think of them all at once. This is the one thousand and first.

And it's prominent. And it's painful. And that's natural. But the longer time goes on, the more those other stories will start to creep back in and share space with this final one. And when you think about him, you will remember a host of stories that made him precious to you, and not just how he died. And that will make it easier to smile.

There's no timeline for when exactly this will happen, but it will. It doesn't necessarily hurt less, but it does get easier, if that makes any sense. And you won't forget him.

I'm very sorry for your loss, and for everybody else that has lost someone precious to them. Never forget to take care of yourself in the midst of everything.

[Moff Chumley]

One of my very close friends tried to kill herself a few months ago. I can't imagine what it would be like without her.

I'm sorry for all of your losses.

[_Zoot_]

I think that is is good that you could visit his grave, I'm sure that he would appreciate that you took the time to come and pay your respects. Even if you don't know why he did what he did.

I am sorry for your loss, and every one that has lost a close friend. I can only say that it is good that you can remember him and that you could pay your dues and ... I don't know how to finish this, but know that you have my sympathies

:smallfrown:

[rakkoon]

I feel sad reading all these stories. And heartened by some of the responses. Grieving isn't bad, as long as it doesn't lead to depression. Good luck to all of you.

[Another_Poet]

Hi pffh, in a way I'm glad you shared your story.

This is going to sound weird but the girl I lost my virginity to committed suicide (unrelated to the loss of virginity). It was about 2 years after we were no longer an item and we were still good friendfs. I was out of the state for most of a summer and I didn't even hear about it till after I came back. I missed the funeral and everything.

I also can't fully understand why she did it, though by talking to our other friends I eventually understood some of the pain and distress she was in. Pain that I never knew about previously.

It suddenly strikes me that I have never gone and visited her grave. If it means anything to you, your post has made me decide that I should go do that, and do what I can to honour her memory. (If it doesn't mean anything to you, too bad, I'm going to do it anyway :smalltongue: )

I hope you are able to find your own peace. I know you will never fully understand your friend's decision, and missing him hurts like eight kinds of hell. You will miss him less with time, which is both a good thing and a horrible thing. Either way it's inevitable. I hope you will make the most of your own life and remember all those good things about him in a special place in your heart.

I'm sorry for your loss.

ap

[valadil]

A friend of mine jumped in front of a train a little more than 10 years ago. It still sucks.

It's okay to grieve though. Nobody will fault you for having trouble lighting a candle on a windy day in the cemetery. Do what you have to do to remember your friend. After Matt died, all his friends spent the next week or so sitting in a circle telling stories about him, laughing and crying at the same time. I highly recommend doing something similar.