What to do with a Hippo?

[RationalGoblin]

So my Financial Literacy teacher is a bit odd.

So he wants us to write a 3 page paper justifying on why we "need" to buy a hippo. Basically a "how we justify what is actually our wants as needs" thing.

So he's going to give a cash prize to the entry that makes the most people laugh, and an unknown prize to the most sentimental entry.

So yeah. Got any suggestions for how I should justify why I need a hippo?

[Partof1]

Hippos are superior to horses as steeds. Useful for land or water transport, and formidable in battle themselves.

[CynicalAvocado]

Hippos are superior to horses as steeds. Useful for land or water transport, and formidable in battle themselves.

my sentiments exactly

[Marnath]

A hippo can bite a burglar in half with one try. Seriously, don't mess with them.

[Raistlin1040]

What kind of Hippo are we talking here? The Regular or Pygmy (fun fact: they are still fairly large) variety?

[Flickerdart]

You can rebuke the hippo if you are Blessed by Tem-Et Nu, of course.

[Seffbasilisk]

Hippos are the most feared creatures in Africa.

They're vegetarians, but ornery.

They can crush a boat in one bite.

Obviously, it's necessary to own one, so as to be master of the most terrifying creature, and get that vegetarian chick down the hall to loosen up a little have some delicious steak.

Eating meat does not make one a bad person.

[Skeppio]

Hippos are the undisputed masters of the Nile. Cracked.com had an interesting bit on hippos. I don't have a link, but they did mention that Steve Irwin considered one moment where he was in a river near a herd of hippos to be the most dangerous moment in his career. Even the great Steve Irwin feared the mighty behemoths.

As for what to do with one, I dunno. Fuel-efficient amphibious all-terrain vehicle perhaps? I hear they can run deceptively fast for the bulky juggernauts they are.

[742]

because if your riding a hippo you can do *anything you want* and nobody is going to do anything about it. go ahead, rob a bank, what are they going to do about it? tell the cops they were just robbed by a guy on a hippo?

maybe you really really hate boats. stupid ****ing boats, what have they ever done for anybody?

or maybe you need a hippo- just be aware of the possible fallout from this one. edit: and dont think about it too hard without a trash can nearby; i just made that mistake.

maybe you totally dont need three liters of hippopotamus blood to draw a pentagram with, and its completely ridiculous that anyone would even suggest something like that. what would you summon in a pentagram drawn in hippo blood anyway?

[ghost_warlock]

Obviously, you have to have *something* suitable to fire out of your catapult at your enemy's lair since their last attack has rendered your fortress devoid of sizable boulders.


maybe you totally dont need three liters of hippopotamus blood to draw a pentagram with, and its completely ridiculous that anyone would even suggest something like that. what would you summon in a pentagram drawn in hippo blood anyway?

I love you. *gives spores*

[max-is-working]

Who's your audience? What makes them tick? I would agree with a paper saying "I must buy a hippo because it is the heaviest extant artiodactyl," but that won't interest or convince others.

[Don Julio Anejo]

Hippos are great dancers, especially in mini-skirts and you don't have a date for prom. Go from there..

[Savannah]

See, my neighbor just bought a crocodile, and since I want to regain my position of 'owns the biggest pet in the neighborhood', hippo was my only real option (I didn't really want to get an elephant; I've heard that they need really long walks every day, but a hippo will be happy just hanging out in my pool with me). Lemme tell ya, getting one hasn't been easy; the pet shops around here don't stock hippos for some reason. Thank goodness for craig's list. Besides, I'm kinda worried because my neighbor's fence isn't too great, so I'm hoping that the hippo can take the croc out if it ever wanders into my yard.

On a more serious note, I agree with max-is-working; knowing your audience is key.

[Ravens_cry]

Hippos are great dancers, especially in mini-skirts and you don't have a date for prom. Go from there..
Note this only works if you're a crocodile in a wicked feathered hat and cape ensemble (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pbQdtkbCcQ&feature=related).

[thubby]

clearly, you need a hippo so you can win this cash prize.

[max-is-working]

See, my neighbor just bought a crocodile, and since I want to regain my position of 'owns the biggest pet in the neighborhood', hippo was my only real option (I didn't really want to get an elephant; I've heard that they need really long walks every day, but a hippo will be happy just hanging out in my pool with me). Lemme tell ya, getting one hasn't been easy; the pet shops around here don't stock hippos for some reason. Thank goodness for craig's list. Besides, I'm kinda worried because my neighbor's fence isn't too great, so I'm hoping that the hippo can take the croc out if it ever wanders into my yard.
I love this!

=====


clearly, you need a hippo so you can win this cash prize.
Agreed!

=====

What about writing a pseudo-research paper? Something like:

"There was an OECD study analyzing hippo ownership. Compared to those who own hippos, those people who did not own hippos were:

1) 60% more likely to not know how to choose or manage credit cards.
2) 40% less likely to save for retirement.
3) 25% more likely to write an essay on why they need to buy a hippo.
4) __% more likely to (insert whatever 'in' joke is cool in your school)
5) __% more likely to (insert whatever 'in' joke is cool in your school)
6) __% more likely to (insert whatever 'in' joke is cool in your school)"

Then you can go on to discuss the hilarious causes for and effects of the results. Thrown in "real" case studies: comedic first-person accounts of the horrors of hippo-less existence and contrast these poor saps with those lucky people who have had cleaner carpets, sharper knives, more cable TV channels, lower gas bills, and hours of rapture and pleasure simply by buying a hippo (a good deal too because most hippos are now available in three easy monthly installments).

Highlight the dire (but comedic) effects of not owning hippos and the positive effects of owning hippos (cite surveys, quote politicians, pander to the lowest denominator in a high-brow way).

In conclusion, you need a hippo.

[rakkoon]

I'm convinced.
Where can I get one?

[The Succubus]

Truly, the noble hippopotamus is the Swiss Army Knife of the animal kingdom for it is a beast of many uses. Recent archaeological evidence uncovered in Africa suggests that hippopotami were used in naval warfare - as it would be several centuries before torpedoes were invented, tribesmen would often throw pigmy hippos over the side of the boat where they would swim along underwater and bite the hulls of enemy canoes. The tribesmen had to use a special type of reed in the construction of their own canoes, one that hippos found repellant.

It wasn't just naval warfare either. A hippopotamus on the battlefield is a formidable weapon, not just because of its huge weight and bite. On the eve before battle the hippos were fed with a careful mix of certain herbs and fruit. The following day, while the hippo was engaged in combat at the front, anyone attempting to sneak up on the hippo was often paralysed by gargantuan amounts of flatulence or occasionally projectile diarrhoea, leaving them easy targets for the spears and arrows of the warriors.

Of course, genus Hippopotamidae was not just about fighting - they played a crucial role in the development of civilisation. After harvesting, the tribe would lay the corn in a long line across the floor and a specially trained hippopotamus would roll up and down the line, grinding the corn into flour. Another popular use was an early prototype of the beanbag chair, albeit one with occasional bouts of flatulence from the morning's fighting.

These are just some of the uses a primative tribe came up with - now imagine what someone with a deep scientific knowledge could do. You could strap a piece of weapons grade uranium to the back of a female hippo and one to the belly of a male and then level an entire city with a pair of mating hippos. What more reason could you need for a hippo?

[CynicalAvocado]

clearly, you need a hippo so you can win this cash prize.

cash prize?
http://i283.photobucket.com/albums/kk293/lytrigian/hippo.jpg

[KuReshtin]

It wasn't just naval warfare either. A hippopotamus on the battlefield is a formidable weapon, not just because of its huge weight and bite. On the eve before battle the hippos were fed with a careful mix of certain herbs and fruit. The following day, while the hippo was engaged in combat at the front, anyone attempting to sneak up on the hippo was often paralysed by gargantuan amounts of flatulence or occasionally projectile diarrhoea, leaving them easy targets for the spears and arrows of the warriors.


Quite Interesting fact*:
Hippos have really bad breath, so the feeding of herbs and fruit to induce flatulence as an offensive weapon is not necessary.
They already have a breath attack and also kill more people in Africa than any other animal each year (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qudc1xeS5o4#t=2m43s) (presumably not because of their breath attack).


*Taken from the show QI, therefore bu default quite interesting.

[Asta Kask]

You need it to feed your pet chimera.

Or - you got one for Christmas and need a breeding pair.

[Manga Shoggoth]

The ancient ejyptians used hippo lard for a number of things (including beauty treatments) - I'll try to remember to dig up the reference when I get home...

[Kiren]

You need a hippo as a plan B, in case you do not receive an A+, oh and empty your pockets on the desk for the author to collect.

[Marnath]

because if your riding a hippo you can do *anything you want* and nobody is going to do anything about it. go ahead, rob a bank, what are they going to do about it? tell the cops they were just robbed by a guy on a hippo?


They'll say "gee officer, I don't know what happened. This guy rode in on a hippo, said it was a robbery, and then the hippo bucked him off and bit him in half. It was gross."

Riding a hippo = really bad idea. I mean, look at the posts above mine? Freakin Steve Irwin wouldn't even do that....

[CrimsonAngel]

I want a hippopotomas for Christmas!

[Darklord Xavez]

I want a hippopotomas for Christmas!

Just a hippopotamus will do!
-Xavez

[Marillion]

No crocodiles! No rhinocerosus! I only like hippopotamuseses!

And hippopotamuseses like me toooooooo

[The Vorpal Tribble]

I want a hippopotomas for Christmas!
This is precisely what I was thinking.

Now, make it all teary-storied by having the kid have some special disease. His dad is determined to get him a hippo or a Make-a-wish foundation steps in, and gets his greatest wish... a baby hippo!

Maybe starts some kind of organization with the hippo as the mascot to help save other children from this disease, and the hippo goes to visit sick kids around the world.

*sniff sniff?*

[FoE]

Because life is too short NOT to have a hippo.

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Because life is too short NOT to have a hippo.
Yes!

See, try to win BOTH prizes. Funny and touching :smallbiggrin:

[Eon]

Hmm... You could command an army of hippos, and then commence ruling the world. You might need to train yours to stand on two legs, wear an awesome military style (I'm thinking marines) hat and give inspirational speeches.

And after you take over the world, you get to make everyone else come up with reasons you might need a hippo.

[Skeppio]

This is precisely what I was thinking.

Now, make it all teary-storied by having the kid have some special disease. His dad is determined to get him a hippo or a Make-a-wish foundation steps in, and gets his greatest wish... a baby hippo!

Maybe starts some kind of organization with the hippo as the mascot to help save other children from this disease, and the hippo goes to visit sick kids around the world.

*sniff sniff?*

This sounds like a brilliant idea for a children's screenplay.

[RationalGoblin]

Uh, this is supposed to be a persuasive essay, backed up by both funny and facts so.. I may need you guys to give me a more coherent reason.

[Asta Kask]

My girlfriend said "If you'd loved me, you would have gotten me a hippo."

[chiasaur11]

Well, they are some of the deadliest animals in the world.

Maybe you want to kill your enemies. You know revenge is one of the great motivators.

[Manga Shoggoth]

OK. Got the reference:

From a footnote on P125 of the Cartoon History of the Universe Vol 1 (A fine book for an overview of history and prehistory, I might add):


Among Egyptian beauty secrets were many formulae for hair care: pomades, dyes, etc. Then, if none of them worked there was also a formula to make your enemy's hair fall out. (Max Factor, take note).

In order to protect against this dreaded trick, said the beauticians, it was necessary to put hippopotamus lard on the head "very often".

ISBN 0-14-014343-2 if you want to look it up - he has a very extensive list of references at the end of the book.

[Telonius]

As everyone knows, Hippos are hungry, hungry creatures, and thus capable of converting large amounts of grasses into natural gas or fertilizer. However because of their their aquatic habitat they naturally contribute to downstream pollution by excreting this perfectly usable resource directly into the river. By purchasing the hippos and removing them from their natural habitat, we can remove a dangerous pollutant, as well as develop an alternative source of fertilizer to cows (whose multiple stomachs are a larger contributor of CO2 emissions than the hippo).

[CynicalAvocado]

As everyone knows, Hippos are hungry, hungry creatures, and thus capable of converting large amounts of grasses into natural gas or fertilizer. However because of their their aquatic habitat they naturally contribute to downstream pollution by excreting this perfectly usable resource directly into the river. By purchasing the hippos and removing them from their natural habitat, we can remove a dangerous pollutant, as well as develop an alternative source of fertilizer to cows (whose multiple stomachs are a larger contributor of CO2 emissions than the hippo).

not to mention the fact that they can devour white marbles at amazing speeds

[The Succubus]

not to mention the fact that they can devour white marbles at amazing speeds

The Avacado is right on the money with this one.

[742]

i know if i were dating a guy and i found out he didnt own at least two hippo's ide dump him in a second. is your GF the same way? do you want to find out before you get a hippo?