My serialized novel. SF/F.

[Talanic]

I finished my novel about two years ago, and didn't have any significant events until this February, when I listed a copy of it on eBay for 99 cents, including my first autograph. I was upfront about how I haven't been published yet, so bidding on my work was a gamble; if I never get published, then financially, it's just so much kindling.

Fortunately, Rob Balder of Erfworld likes my work, apparently, as he plugged the auction to his fans, and the book sold to a US Airman in Nevada for $287.50.

On Rob's advice, I'm now serializing the book, putting it up here (http://heroschains.tumblr.com/post/891822749/chains-of-loss-chapter-1) one chapter at a time.

Hopefully this will eventually lead towards traditional publication. I feel awkward about putting up posts about it.

[Fiery Diamond]

I'm both lazy and not interested in reading something that turns out to not suit my tastes. That said, however, this sounds fascinating. So, before I go off to read your serialization, I'd like you to give me a basic idea of what your novel is about.

Also:
1)Does it have a happy ending?
2)Does it have romance?
3)Does it have ...er... explicit ... material?
4)Do any main characters (on the protagonist side) die?

(I would be happiest with reading it if the answers were yes, yes, no, no, but so long as the 1) is not no and the 3) is not yes, I should be fine with reading it. Otherwise, I apologize, but I do not think I would enjoy it.)

[Talanic]

Sounds fair enough. Here's a 'back-of-the-book' kinda blurb:

******

The prophet Sheralys has had a finger in every pot for the last five hundred years. Things are now coming to a boil; it looks bad but she’s finally in position to summon the right hero to straighten things out.

Enter Derek Kazenushi, cyborg. Derek's unsure of how he got a ship, and is confused about the possibly tragic fate of his home planet. Now he's stuck on a warped world of fantasy creatures, magic, and ruins.

He doesn't have much time to sit around, though, because Sheralys dropped him in an area owned by hostile aliens. Fortunately, she also sent him a human companion – a young woman named Mycah. He's as strange to her as she is to him, but the two forge a careful friendship as they dodge orcs, fight vampires, and deal with the disastrous consequences of Derek's naivety.

Because Derek's never had to work for anything in his life. He doesn't understand cruelty, neglect or starvation. He has to learn fast, and decide carefully: which of his ideals can be kept, and which will get him killed?

******

As far as those questions...

1. Eventually, to at least some extent. The project's in serial form (and it's book one), so while there's an ending planned, and it does work out well for at least some of the characters, it's a long ways away.

2. Yes, there's some romance - which I try to let develop as naturally as possible.

3. No, nothing sexually explicit.

4. I'm drawing the line here. I promise not to kill them off willy-nilly but I'm not going to give you a concrete answer here.

[Xondoure]

Congratulations and good luck! It sounds really cool. (promptly goes to read it)

[Lord Loss]

Just finished chapter one! I'm hooked! If this were to be published I,d definetly get it.:smallbiggrin:.

[Rhydeble]

I am craving for more!

I'm really liking this, how often do you update it?

[Lord Loss]

I am craving for more!

I'm really liking this, how often do you update it?

What he said.

[Lord Raziere]

I have decided to declare this interesting and read more later and I would like to buy it if it comes onto the shelves.

[Talanic]

The plan is to put up one chapter per week. That would actually last me to the end of the year, currently.

[Xondoure]

Up to date and it is incredible, fantastic, thrilling I say!

[Talanic]

Glad you like it. And I just put up a new chapter.

[Lord Loss]

Nice new chapter!

[Obrysii]

I have considered writing a scifi/fantasy book in a serial form for a while - do you recommend it? I have a hard time focusing for too long on one particular story and felt if I had reader demand I'd be compelled to continue.

[Talanic]

Serial form's actually how I started; you may wish to give it a try. With the right audience - especially one that can get ahold of you and is eager for the next chapter - it can be quite the prod.

If you'd like to talk about writing, I'd be glad to help with worldbuilding. That's probably my strongest suit.

[Obrysii]

Worldbuilding is where I am strong. It's filling in the details and hammering out the actual content that gets me!

[Talanic]

In that case, I can just advise you to press onward. Try to set deadlines that mean something - like having a copy out for next year's ABNA contest (http://amazon.com/abna). That's what I did to finish this book.

Don't be surprised if the story goes in directions you didn't expect, so long as you still have a handle on what happens. Things you didn't plan are often the most fun to write, and usually, because of this, also the most fun to read.

[Obrysii]

I have a lot of fun writing from the perspective of a bumbling fool who has no business adventuring, so maybe I should try that angle again.

Thank you for pointing me towards that - I think I'll figure out the story I want to write, plan on the setting, and the sort soon.

[TheThan]

Just finished what’s been posted thus far and I like it and am waiting for more. Keep up the good work.

[Talanic]

Oh, a few more things about writing. (Please excuse me if I start to ramble here because I'm just about collapsed from exhaustion.)

ABNA works well as a goal to enter, but don't count on winning. You're up against at least 5,000 others, and some of the stages' judging is iffy. Every time I entered this story in the contest, it got cut in the second round, with all of the reviewers declaring a personal dislike towards sci fi. This year, I received two reviews from that round that were utter crap.

You may find some assistance on myouterspace.com - it's William Shatner's social networking site for sci fi / fantasy / horror fans, writers, directors, actors, etc. There's a lot to it, but the writing section is most important to what I'm talking about here.

I use the same handle on myouterspace, and in my blog there, you can find the two reviews that I received from ABNA, if you're interested.

[Obrysii]

I have always had issues with reviewers and even teachers regarding Sci-fi.

My creative writing teacher was extraordinarily narrow-minded. I wrote a story, set in 24 hour-long chapters (each varied depending on the actions), about a woman (it was intentionally left ambiguous, as my goal was to let the reader imprint much as the character) counting down the last hours of her life.

The teacher thought it was rubbish because 1) The character is very philosophical - and he felt that was not realistic for a woman; 2) His feeling that women do not violently end their lives (the character uses a firearm); and 3) that I could not accurately understand the mindset of a suicidal woman.

He writes murder-mysteries.

He also strongly disliked any science fiction, and when one student wrote one including a robot server at a restaurant, he remarked that such would never happen - and therefore it wasn't worth writing about.

This is the sort of thing that, for a very long time, has put me off from writing anything more than small short stories.

[Talanic]

If I were you, I might write a science fiction novel just to spite him.

Signing off for the night, though...

[Talanic]

Just a heads up - updated today, 9/20.

Also, I'm considering a parallel blog in which I write a little about the writing of the chapter posted that week. Nothing too serious.

[Nilan8888]

Hey there,

Some quick editing suggestions since I don't have a lot of time:

look through your "ly" words and try to cut them down. This isn't a hard and fast rule, but usually removing those from prose fiction makes everything read that much easier and better.

When you say "The light was actually a number of lights, each in a distinct shape.", that's probably ok since you're sort of doing some necessary qualification there, but that's a sort of exception to the rule.

For instance, in the first bit, what sounds better as you read: "what exactly is that light?" or, "what is that light?"

Stephen King has said that these adverbs grow up like weeds and you want to do your best to remove them. I'm not Stephen King's biggest fan, but his writing advice from "On Writing" is on the money. I say: get rid of those suckers.

Being a short-story writer I'm perhaps a bit biased, but I always favor less words, not more. In fact maybe to an unhealthy degree. I like your first sentence, but I think maybe the punctuation might have the comma in the wrong area. What you have there is grammatically correct, don't get me wrong, but it might be best to actually remove the comma in that case.

There's a bit where you go into a lengthy back and forth of straight unbroken dialogue between Derek and the AI. You might want to think about trimming this. A good rule is not to tell the reader anything until they need to know it. I like your dialogue... I don't have time to give it the full "Rich Berlew Dialogue test" and tell if the AI and Derek sound too different from one another in how they speak, but it's good at first glance. However I'm not sure the dialogue here is imparting things we need to know at this point. MAybe it is, but I think it's a valid thing to consider.

...Just had a look through where the AI is detailing what happened. Sounds like it does have something of its own voice, so good on that count... I'm feeling the AI paragaphs might need a little more superflous description, something more punchy and descriptive in a sort of high-tech slang.

Got to go. I'll look at more later.

[SaintRidley]

I'll take a look at it when I can find the time between classes and work.

If you'd like reader feedback in the form of helpful edits/cuts to make or questions regarding clarity to help you tighten things up, I'd be glad to give some.

For example, you don't need the "that was" in this sentence: "The suspension system that was keeping cells oxygenated was, fortunately, a stable green."

They're quite unnecessary. You can get away with fortunately here, since it's helping us establish that green is good, though using stable makes it slightly redundant.

[Telonius]

Hey, not sure how I missed this one. I'll check it out over the next few days. Good luck on it! I'm doing something similar with mine (see sig).

[Nilan8888]

Ok, back...

I'm going to echo some of what SaintRidley mentioned there about:

"The suspension system that was keeping cells oxygenated was, fortunately, a stable green."

Actually, I'm more for getting "fortunately" out of there. Firstly it's an 'ly' word so that's already a strike against it and my default is to always get rid of those unless there's a very, very good reason for it. Double up the fact that it's redundant for exactly the same reasons Ridley mentioned.

That's another lesson for you: redundancy. As a brief establishing example, remember that NOBODY "runs quickly" or has ever "run quick". They simply run. 'Quick' is already implied. That sort of language is ok for posting but not in writing.

"that was" I'm a little more lenient on. Again, default is to get rid of it, however there could be narrative voice reasons to keep it and to let the story breathe a little. Depending on your character and emphasis you might wish to keep it. But that's a pretty specific sort of situation and from what I've read that's not your direction here.

Looking at the opening sentence again, I do see flaws after all -- sometimes it takes multiple reading to bring these things out:

The light blinked every three point two seconds, and for some reason Derek found it riveting.

Here's another little lesson: be exact, unless it's important. Just like the use of 'that was' above, except here its to do with description and narrative. Always, always get away from being vague unless vagueness is exactly what it is important to convey. Even if it's just setting mood, get rid of it unless it does it extremely well.

Derek finding a light riveting for 'some reason' is telling, not showing. Don't tell what Derek almost does or half-does or maybe thinks. Tell us what he does. What he thinks. Is there a reason Derek finds the light riveting that we should know? If yes, tell us what it is. If not, just tell us he finds it riveting:

The light blinked every three point two seconds and Derek found it riveting.

This sounds simpler but you might find it grabs a reader more because it gets to the point. It's just a light, why is Derek riveted? This sentence clears away some of the earlier distraction so as to put a point on the core idea.

If there's any main point I'm getting across, it's to get rid of whatever unnecessary. Our common speech is so riddled with unnecessary words you'll write for years and years without being able to purge yourself of them until you're several drafts in. I have stories I've written and re-read for years that are only 5000 words in length and I'm still always finding stuff.

You'll see what I mean here -- here's another bit: active versus passive from your story, and again telling versus showing:

Derek found himself unsurprised.

This sentence I think of as a no-no for two reasons. The first is that it's passive voice. "-self" words in a sentence usually means you should re-word it. There are very few sentences in which those sort of words add to the feel. If you're going to say this, best to just say "Derek was surprised".

But, more than that: it's just telling us how Derek feels. I suppose a lot of published writers might do this, but I find the best writers back away from even a sentence like the above. Is the fact that Derek was surprised important? If not, leave it out. But if it is, use a visual cue instead. What could Derek be doing that would convey to the reader that he is surprised without actually saying it. Your story will STRUT depending on how much of the little things you leave for the reader to piece together for themselves.

Let me ask you this, becuase it's often an issue in my stories: in your opening sequence, are there areas you find hard to picture? Can you see it as a movie playing out in your head? Try doing that before writing, that will often work for me. Start with an image and some ideas at how the interaction is taking place and descibe all the interesting things you can.

Often what happens is that when we run out of interesting images we as the writer start losing a little bit of interest ourselves and want to skip to the next interesting line or the next interesting image or twist. And so inexact, in-between writing starts seeping in. But your reader doesn't know when any of that is coming and might not even think its interesting if they did. Do we have to work on getting ourselves there.

I would suggest that you'll never be rid of that -- some writers claim to be, I think, but I've escaped it only rarely. It's very natural to hit areas of dead space without even realizing that's what's going on until you go back and look at it. You get past that real KILLER line or that awesome sequence you have in your head and then... "er yeah, they turn down this alley because I gotta get them out of this chase sequence and the alley looks like... aw man who cares, it's just a stupid alley like the ones I see in all those cop films..."

That's perfectly ok for draft #1. Or even depending on your story's length, draft #2 or #3 -- although these days they're more interactive drafts than sequential on word processors. But at some point you should go back and have a look at the overall flow and think on if you can flesh out that alley a little more.

Posting this has given me some thought... I have a story or two that I don't think are up to snuff to submitting yet but I'm thinking I need people to read them. However I am NOT posting them online. I need some people to look at them with a critical eye and tell me what's missing because I think something is on them.

Anyway that's all for me at the moment.

[Telonius]

Love the dialogue! I really get a sense of the voices from the exchange with the AI. I agree though, the lead-in couple of paragraphs aren't very engaging. Especially with an online format, but really no matter what the media, those first couple are absolutely crucial. I'm reading "had to have sustained" and thinking it sounds sloppy. It gets better, and quickly. But if you give your readers any reason to think you're not on the ball with your editing they're less likely to push through to the good stuff.

[drakir_nosslin]

I'd just like to say that I got this on my RSS feed now. Very interesting opening, and I'm looking forward to continue reading this.

[awesomessake]

I have always had issues with reviewers and even teachers regarding Sci-fi.

My creative writing teacher was extraordinarily narrow-minded. I wrote a story, set in 24 hour-long chapters (each varied depending on the actions), about a woman (it was intentionally left ambiguous, as my goal was to let the reader imprint much as the character) counting down the last hours of her life.

The teacher thought it was rubbish because 1) The character is very philosophical - and he felt that was not realistic for a woman; 2) His feeling that women do not violently end their lives (the character uses a firearm); and 3) that I could not accurately understand the mindset of a suicidal woman.

He writes murder-mysteries.

He also strongly disliked any science fiction, and when one student wrote one including a robot server at a restaurant, he remarked that such would never happen - and therefore it wasn't worth writing about.

This is the sort of thing that, for a very long time, has put me off from writing anything more than small short stories.

Sometimes you really can't listen to what other people say.

He can say whatever he wants about how it will never become a reality, but the fact is several of the greatest scientific achievements ever were thanks to science fiction.

Biggest example? There would probably not have been a flight to the moon if it weren't for Jules Vernes "from the earth to the moon".
Jules verne would also present the basics of the modern submarine in "20,000 Leagues under the sea", and the list goes on.

Also i can't even begin to narrow down all the innovations that were inspired by Star Wars, and Star Trek.

So i would suggest write whatever pleases you, and don't listen to other people unless it's constructive. For all you know, you could inspire the physicist who will successfully achieve nuclear fusion.

[Talanic]

Thanks for the critiques and support. I disagree with some of the details - some of it's stylistic - but the general gist of where I need to improve is probably spot-on.

I posted a new chapter today, for those following it - I don't actually get a message when someone joins the rss feed, unfortunately. Going to create a separate post about that...

(And there I go again with those -ly words.)

[Xondoure]

(How horribly awful of you to carelessly add flavor sloppily to the verbs) :smalltongue:

[Nilan8888]

Thanks for the critiques and support. I disagree with some of the details - some of it's stylistic - but the general gist of where I need to improve is probably spot-on.

If it's stylistic and you're confident that it adds to the story in a manner the reader will pick up, sure: keep it.

I find the best way to see if its worth keeping to to step back from the work for a while and write or read something else. Then come back with as fresh a mind as possible. Then read your work over again and try to obey the first things that jump into your head.

Sometimes you'll find that stylistic sequence worked even better than you remembered. Other times you might see it just doesn't give the reaction you intended. Sometimes we get into logical nits where, from where we're sitting, a sequence will definately work. But a lot of that comes from the fact we're familiar with the story.

I remember there was once a really nice sentence I thought I gave about a description of a scene where the main character stows away in the baggage compartment of an airplane. And then readers complained that when he actually got into the compartment they were taken aback becuase I hadn't said enough about the airplane: I said 'plane' and they immediately presumed a big jet aircraft Boeing 747. I had meant a smaller 2-seater aircraft. I didn't specify becuase in my head, that's what I saw.

Never mind the niggles on how baggage compartments are depressurized and how hard it is to survive in those things -- that's beside the point at the moment. The point being that even though I really liked the language, in and example of someone writing something then coming back and realizing they didn't get across what they think they did.

And that's doubly difficult because sometimes when you come back to your work, the more you read and get into it the more you return to the mind frame you were in when you wrote it, which you're trying to get away from.

[Talanic]

New update. I know what you mean about stylistic things not always getting across what you need to know.

At one point, that first chapter went into a small amount of detail about the compression method he used to store the contents of his ship's computer. The net result? Nobody liked it.

So it went from an explanation of a (theoretical) fractal system of compression that winds up getting huge archives into tiny spaces, to, "Fractal compression?" "Right in one."

Also, it appears that if I don't post here, people forget...I wound up with four reads each day on Monday and Tuesday, down from 25 on days that I post. So I'm all for keeping discussion going.

[Nilan8888]

Again, I'm wondering if I could use this as an oppertunity to have some peopel read my writing and say what they think.

But as stated, I'm not posting it on the web like you -- you're trying something very specific in a form of self-publishing kinda thing, and I only want my stories at this point published by the recognized sources... although online or in print form I don't care about. So it's by PM only.

I'm not concerned about people stealing them though -- if anyone's interested I'll only give stories I've submitted to at least one magazine in the past so there's at least been a record of its submission. There's one in particular that's with Weird Tales right now (I'm waiting on day 275 or so for that one so I don't know what's going on there) and another one with Realms of Fantasy. Cross those fingers, you never know!

[Talanic]

Good luck, Nilan.

New update yesterday, and it's finally addressing something that some have complained about previously: we're getting to the action.

Also, note that I have a 3' tall anatomy book, which I study for my fight scenes. There will be no 'shot through the shoulder so he's only cosmetically wounded' bull in my writing, especially from Derek's perspective.