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jguy
2010-10-05, 09:42 PM
After the incredibly successful and funny thread about what a DM says and what DM means, here is what a DM says and what the players hear!

DM says: Are you sure?
Player hears: That idea is so incredible, I need to hear it one more time to commit it to memory so I don't forget.

DM says: This is going to be a horror/suspense game
Player hears: I need to either roll up a cleric, paladin, or a dread necro.

DM says: You can use any book you want.
Player hears: JACKPOT!

DM says: I need a detailed backstory
Player hears: I will need to explain why I am an orphan who was trained by my master but he died of old age years ago and why I have no ties to anyone special whatsoever.

DM says: A dragon lets out a mighty roar!
Player hears: Triple Standard treasure!

DM says: You see nothing after 20 minutes of search
Player hears: Oh god, there MUST be something in here that is worth all this searching. Take out the adamantine picks! We are taking the walls down!

DM says: The door is locked
Player hears: Something amazing is behind that door.

DM says: A man who seems to radiate power and authority comes up to you and offers to join your interesting adventure.
Player hears: DMPC is going to take up all the spot light. Best get a sandwich and a good book.

WarKitty
2010-10-05, 10:00 PM
DM says: You've heard legends of monsters like this taking out entire kingdoms. A group of newbie adventurers like yourselves surely stands no chance.
Players hear: XP!!!!!!!!!!

DM says: You find nothing.
Players hear: Keep searching.

DM says: You find nothing (before the players roll)
Players hear: It's not trapped.

kieza
2010-10-05, 10:31 PM
DM says: You're hopelessly outnumbered by the troops hunting you. You should probably try to escape.
Players hear: They're trying to capture us alive, so let's fight!

DM says: You can't do that without a lot of study.
Players hear: You can do that.

DM says: You don't know what it is.
Players hear: Play with it and find out what it is.

Lev
2010-10-05, 10:36 PM
DM says: Do you want to make a search check?
Players Hear: Do you not want to make a spot check?

Dralnu
2010-10-06, 12:37 AM
DM: (paragraph description of the town that the party has just entered)
Players hear: There's an inn.

DM: You can use any source that you'd like, but I'm new to this so please no cheesey stuff.
Players hear: Be as overpowered as you'd like, I'm probably not going to catch half the broken stuff.

Telok
2010-10-06, 01:14 AM
DM says: "He dosen't hit that hard."
Players hear: "Remember that kobold ranger with the magic crit-pick and Favored Enemy = PCs?"

DM says: "Two 800 tonne Imperial Cruisers with 20 Gigawatt beam lasers order you to stand by for boarding."
Players hear: "Your Phat lewt! 400 tonne transport armed with a Phat lewt! mining laser and Phat lewt! seven combat droids can Phat lewt! take them. Phat lewt!"

DranWork
2010-10-06, 01:29 AM
DM: "...she..."
Players: "woohoo sex!"

DM: "...looks intimadating armed with gleaming weaponry and polished armor"
Players: "begin rolling to hit as this mug has PHAT l00ts"

DM: "you enter the dust cover room, it appears that no one has been here in an age..."
Players: "ITS A TRAP!"

DM: "ITS A TRAP!"
Players: " WOO!! CHUNKS OF XP!"

Serpentine
2010-10-06, 01:49 AM
DM says: "Oh. It didn't occur to me that you might go that way. Um..." *pauses to think about ways to adapt and make do*
Players hear: "Get back on them rails you big meanies!"

But that might just be me and my group :smallsigh:

Morph Bark
2010-10-06, 02:01 AM
DM says: "He dosen't hit that hard."
Players hear: "Remember that kobold ranger with the magic crit-pick and Favored Enemy = PCs?"

DM says: "Two 800 tonne Imperial Cruisers with 20 Gigawatt beam lasers order you to stand by for boarding."
Players hear: "Your Phat lewt! 400 tonne transport armed with a Phat lewt! mining laser and Phat lewt! seven combat droids can Phat lewt! take them. Phat lewt!"

But whatever are they going to do with oversized lutes?

AslanCross
2010-10-06, 02:09 AM
DM says: Sorry, you can't exploit that loophole in my campaign.
Player hears: Find another way to break my campaign.

DM says: The monster is immune to your attack.
Player hears: Keep trying energy types!

senrath
2010-10-06, 02:12 AM
DM says: "Oh. It didn't occur to me that you might go that way. Um..." *pauses to think about ways to adapt and make do*
Players hear: "Get back on them rails you big meanies!"

But that might just be me and my group :smallsigh:

For my group it's more like:

Players hear: "Go get something to eat, this'll take a while."

Serpentine
2010-10-06, 02:44 AM
For my group it's more like:

Players hear: "Go get something to eat, this'll take a while."See, I'd be fine with that. I try to tell everyone, "I'm not very good at improvisation and there's only so much preparation I can get done, but that's my problem, not yours. You go and do whatever you like, but be aware that I might have to take a bit of time to reorganise.", but the minute I falter they're always "okay, never mind, I'll keep going down this road..." and then I feel bad for railroading :smallfrown:

Mikeavelli
2010-10-06, 03:32 AM
DM: *Anything, anything at all.*

Players: "Obviously, the solution is murder!"

korifugi
2010-10-06, 04:26 AM
DM: ...and mounted on a plinth you see....
Players: It's about to attack, whatever it is, it's about to attack.

Gan The Grey
2010-10-06, 05:23 AM
DM: Alright, guys, let's try to tone down the jokes and get back to business.
Players: I'm going emo because none of you appreciate my humor.

Saintheart
2010-10-06, 07:48 AM
DM says: You enter a magic shop.
Players hear: You enter a treasure trove of useful stuff if you can just figure out how to kill the storekeeper and defeat whatever security or traps he has protecting the place.

DM says: We've got someone new joining us this week.
Players hear: My girlfriend is joining us this week.

grarrrg
2010-10-06, 07:51 AM
DM: ...and mounted on a plinth you see....
Players: It's about to attack, whatever it is, it's about to attack.

Attack? A PLINTH?? Are you INSANE! They're more crazier broken than the dreaded Dire Gazebo!!

Saintheart
2010-10-06, 07:53 AM
Best make a proactive strike and cast Magic Missile. Works for The Darkness. :smallbiggrin:

grarrrg
2010-10-06, 09:46 AM
Best make a proactive strike and cast Magic Missile. Works for The Darkness. :smallbiggrin:

Saintheart: What happened?

Me: There is now a Plinth with a small splotch of magic residue on it.

Saintheart: Wasn't it wounded?

Me: OF COURSE NOT SAINTHEART, IT'S A PLINTH!


On a side note, a Plinth is immune to Fire and Axes, a Gazebo is not.

Greenish
2010-10-06, 10:20 AM
Attack? A PLINTH?? Are you INSANE! They're more crazier broken than the dreaded Dire Gazebo!!plinth |plinθ|
noun
a heavy base supporting a statue or vase.


84% all statues in an average D&D campaign animate to attack players as they get closer. The rest are just the DM messing with your heads.

Notreallyhere77
2010-10-06, 10:24 AM
DM says: You enter a magic shop.
Players hear: You enter a treasure trove of useful stuff if you can just figure out how to kill the storekeeper and defeat whatever security or traps he has protecting the place.

True enough for my players. Hey, do you mind if I sig that?

Codenpeg
2010-10-06, 10:27 AM
DM: *Anything, anything at all.*

Players: "Obviously, the solution is murder!"

More like,
Players: Obviously we need to set it on fire and/or haven't used enough!



Attack? A PLINTH?? Are you INSANE! They're more crazier broken than the dreaded Dire Gazebo!!

I added a holy Gazebo that, when approached, would either zap evil guys to death (left a ring of corpses around it) or quiz you. One of my players asked what a gazebo was, made both my and several of the player's nights.

Jan Mattys
2010-10-06, 10:29 AM
DM: It's impossible.
Players: It's hard. Do we feel lucky?

DM: It's hard, dangerous and probably not that smart.
Players: It's possible. Let's totally try it.

DM: It's possible.
Players: It's going to be easy. No need for precautions, let's just kick the door.

DM: It's easy.
Players: OH SHI- RUN!!!!!

big teej
2010-10-06, 10:39 AM
Oooh I got one

DM says: imagine for me if you will, a Left For Dead "tank" zombie
DM means: Imagine for me, if you will, the incredible hulk, but deadish
Player hears: imagine for me, a zombie ogre.


*there is a large, large, LARGE, discrepency between the two for those who have not played left for dead

Pisha
2010-10-06, 11:33 AM
From one of my favorite campaigns (and DMs):

DM says: (with a smile) The door does not appear to be trapped.
Players hear: It's a trap so powerful, we couldn't find it??!? DUCK!

DM says: Roll a Will save.
Players hear: Oh god, we're going to have to put the Fighter down again, aren't we?

Duke of URL
2010-10-06, 11:45 AM
DM: The beggar introduces himself, "My name is David..."
Players: It has a name, therefore it is a plot NPC, and not XP. Yet.

kladams707
2010-10-06, 11:46 AM
DM: You don't find anything.
Players: That means I need to keep searching the same exact spot several times more!

Ernir
2010-10-06, 11:53 AM
DM: He appears to be unarmed.
Players hear: This guy can kill you all on the spot, and doesn't need weapons to do it.

Ravens_cry
2010-10-06, 12:05 PM
What DM says: But . . .
What DM Means: You are about to perish in the most horrifying manner imaginable.

What Dm says: Make a Fort save,
What DM means: Death, death to the squishies!
What Players Hear: Tell the Fighter to get out the broom again.

Maryring
2010-10-06, 12:07 PM
More like,
Players: Obviously we need to set it on fire and/or haven't used enough!




I added a holy Gazebo that, when approached, would either zap evil guys to death (left a ring of corpses around it) or quiz you. One of my players asked what a gazebo was, made both my and several of the player's nights.

At least he admitted to not knowing what a Gazebo is, thus avoiding the fate of being eaten by the dread gazebo!!!

Ruinix
2010-10-06, 12:24 PM
oh boy, u r making me LOL to loud in my office XD

DM say: (describing a lair) it's seems to be empty.
Players hear: don't worry lads there is no one in home

DM say: (decribing the same lair) It's empty
Players hear: oh boy, send the rogue first.

DM say: u find some obviuos tracks of a fight
Players hear: railroad again ¬¬

DM say: u find some obviuos tracks of a fight.
Player hear: make search rolls, it must be some loot around here.

DM say: u enter in town.
Players hear: SHOP TIME.

Soren Hero
2010-10-06, 12:43 PM
DM says: is that REALLY what you want to do?
Players hear: crap, we messed up bad

DM says: nothing (but smiles)
Players hear: oh crap, we really messed up bad

JeenLeen
2010-10-06, 01:45 PM
One we've seen often, after the DM rolls damage [WoD game.

DM says: Wow... or ...that's bad.
Players hear: I better roll Stamina soak really well.

DM says: ...how much HP do you have left?
Players hear: I'm going to die.

big teej
2010-10-06, 01:52 PM
DM says: ...how much HP do you have left?
Players hear: I'm going to die.

haha.... we had this one happen last session

DM: -rolls to hit behind screen-
DM: uh oh.....
-looks at ranger-
how many hit points do you have?
player: 9?
DM: right... well, -turns to the rest of the party- "you see the orc bring its great axe down into the ranger's chest, throwing him to the ground, he doesn't get up." -back to the ranger- I'll be keeping track of your hitpoints now, roll well next turn:smallcool:

Pisha
2010-10-06, 02:03 PM
DM say: u enter in town.
Players hear: SHOP TIME.

Haha, YES! My DM has the habit of being generous with gold and loot, but then keeping us from any city large enough to sell the loot and spend the gold! When we finally hit a decent-sized trade city, all RP stopped dead and we turned into teenagers at the mall with Dad's credit cards.

Relatedly...

DM says: sorry, that item is not available to buy in this city
Players hear: this is the single most useful item for your next several encounters

Choco
2010-10-06, 02:08 PM
DM Says: *description of the most epically powerful monster/NPC ever seen*
Players hear: "DM would never put us up against something we couldn't beat so it MUST be an illusion!"

FuryOfMetal
2010-10-06, 02:27 PM
DM: *Anything, anything at all.*

Players: "Obviously, the solution is murder!"

Can i sig this :smallbiggrin:

Ruinix
2010-10-06, 03:44 PM
DM Says: *description of the most epically powerful monster/NPC ever seen*
Players hear: "DM would never put us up against something we couldn't beat so it MUST be an illusion!"

alternately

DM Says: *description of the most epically powerful monster/NPC ever seen*
Players hear: "behold the mighty all might over fluffed old PC of mine"

Morithias
2010-10-06, 04:07 PM
DM: "In the (insert place) there is a female doing (insert perform skill here).
Player: Succubus or some variant thereof.

TheFallenOne
2010-10-06, 05:21 PM
DM says: You enter the room and see a...
Players hear: whatever, roll initiative, kill the sucker and get loot and XP

DM says: On another table, you see a curious fellow. Player1, describe your character.
Other Players hear: Introduce yourself and take this guy along to your adventures no matter how little sense it may make

DM says: Alright, let's make a short introduction how you meet.
Players hear: You're all in a tavern. Feel free to burn it down, you know I'm always delighted by that

Swordgleam
2010-10-06, 07:28 PM
DM says: Pass the popcorn.
Players hear: Bribe me with food and I probably won't TPK you within the next few minutes.

DM says: It appears to be magical.
Half the players hear: It's cursed and will probably kill you instantly if you look at it wrong.
The other half hear: It's a very powerful artifact that your character should probably hang onto forever.

mikej
2010-10-07, 12:55 AM
DM: Insert Story/Plot

Players: Blah blahh blaahh were is the money?

Saintheart
2010-10-07, 08:40 AM
True enough for my players. Hey, do you mind if I sig that?

Sure, go ahead. :smallsmile:

Notreallyhere77
2010-10-07, 12:25 PM
Sweeeet!
Thanks.

Morph Bark
2010-10-07, 12:31 PM
DM says: You enter the room and see a...
Players hear: whatever, roll initiative, kill the sucker and get loot and XP

To this I'd reply "sure, go ahead", and suddenly the NPC in the room would turn out to be a Balor. :smallamused:

Kallisti
2010-10-07, 01:54 PM
DM says: It's immune to fire.
DM means: Really. It's immune to fire.
Players hear: Apply fire.

DM says: Roll spot.
Players hear: Start rolling up your replacement characters.

DM says: I...I really don't think that's within the rules.
Players see: A moment of weakness.
Players hear: I just need more convincing. I'll allow it eventually.

TheFallenOne
2010-10-07, 02:06 PM
DM says: How many HP do you have left?
DM means: This would kill you and I need to fudge the rolls so you keep barely alive.
Players hear: Just indulge me cause they're gone anyway.

DM says: <describes charming rogue character>
Players hear: It's Han Solo with a rapier.

DM says: The orc blocks your overhead swing with the flat of his axe, then momentarily brings you out of balance by pushing into you, giving him an opening to bypass your cover and score a stinging hit on your left shoulder. You take 7 damage.
Players hear: You take 7 damage.

Ruinix
2010-10-07, 02:28 PM
DM says: The orc blocks your overhead swing with the flat of his axe, then momentarily brings you out of balance by pushing into you, giving him an opening to bypass your cover and score a stinging hit on your left shoulder. You take 7 damage.
Players hear: You take 7 damage.

hahahhaha this one make my day haahaahaa

DM say: ok, where are and what is exactly are doin each one.
Player hear: oook the crap hit the fan.

Duke of URL
2010-10-07, 02:45 PM
DM says: Anyone got any d6s I can borrow?
Players hear: BWUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!
Players think: What's my Reflex save, again?

DM says: Okay, you're in a tavern...
Players hear: I'm unoriginal and boring.
Players think: Booze, wenches, a quest giver or two... and I hope the owner has fire insurance.

DM says: The meeting is set to happen in the town square...
Players hear: I'm obviously subverting tropes because you all b**ch about me using taverns all of the time.
Players think: What's wrong with the tavern?

OMG PONIES
2010-10-07, 02:47 PM
DM says: *unique introduction*
Players hear: You're not in a tavern.

Tyndmyr
2010-10-07, 03:16 PM
DM Says: You find a book.
Novice Players Hear: Boooring, lets find something to kill.
Intermediate Players Hear: Oooh, is it a tome? MINE!
Veteran Players: Well, he's got the Call of Cthulu book open again. I need fire.

Urpriest
2010-10-07, 04:30 PM
DM: "...she..."
Players: "woohoo sex!"


Depressingly true. Story time!

The players were fighting the BBEG of this part of the campaign, an elven barbarian. And she was slaughtering them. One of the players jumps down into a pit trap just to get away from her. As she leaps over the pit to busily hack at the rest of the party, he glances up from his pool of blood and asks, "is she wearing underwear?"

WarKitty
2010-10-07, 04:42 PM
DM says: *unique introduction*
Players hear: Where's the nearest tavern?

Fixed that for you.

Notreallyhere77
2010-10-07, 05:10 PM
Depressingly true. Story time!

[story]

It is depressing, but sometimes good for a laugh, especially when the NPCs hear the joke and take it seriously, like the time one of my players got a disugised marilith to make her armor invisible for a handful of gold coins (her greed far outweighed any modesty she had for her human disguise).

But one of my players tries to hook up with everything. Often it spoils the mood, but if it sounds funny enough I let it happen.
If he makes his Cha check, he can hit on anyone he wants, but his choices are sometimes disturbing enough to spoil the fun. His enthusiasm seems to be directly proportional to the depravity of the pairing.
opposite sex/same sex, same species? "Great!"
Different species? "woohoo"
Underage? "fantastic!"
Creepily kinky? "All riiight!!"
Undesirable in some other way (ugly, way too old, has obvious VD)? "Mission accomplished!"
Hideously deformed or dangerous location/timing? "Now we're talking!"
Different creature type w/ discernable anatomy (i.e. giants, undead? "**** yeah!"
Plant/ooze/construct (if he has the time, he will try)? "YES! I DID IT!"
A combination of several of the above? "Achievement. ****ing. UNLOCKED!"

This is true even when he plays warforged, intelligent plants, or supposedly celibate monks. And while yes means yes, no only seems to mean "convince me harder." It's painful, but at least he's getting into character.

MarkusWolfe
2010-10-07, 05:28 PM
The players were fighting the BBEG of this part of the campaign, an elven barbarian. And she was slaughtering them. One of the players jumps down into a pit trap just to get away from her. As she leaps over the pit to busily hack at the rest of the party, he glances up from his pool of blood and asks, "is she wearing underwear?"

Brilliance.

Playing as a Barbarian, with a Cleric of Sadism, Psion and Warforged fighter.

DM says: After the cleric sets off the trap made of noisy pots and pans, you hear 5 roars.
Players hear: I just gave you all torches because you're about to fight a 5 headed hydra.
I think: Man, am I ever glad I have Great Cleave.
Psion thinks: I wish I had specialized in fire manifestations right now.
Cleric thinks: This wand of cure light wounds with 50 charges is the best investment I have ever made.
Warforged thinks: 1010100110010101010101010101010101010

DM says: I'm sorry, you hear 6 roars.
Players hear: I expect at least one of you not to survive this.
I think: Man, am I ever glad I have Great Cleave.
Psion thinks: Definitely should've specialized in fire manifestations.
Cleric thinks: Should've rolled up a healbot.
Warforged thinks: 1000101011101001100101010101101001010101010101010

We were all level 4 and the Warforged might be busted beyond all repair, but we beat the thing, with Great Cleave carrying us to victory.

Cespenar
2010-10-07, 05:42 PM
DM describes: *anything that moves*
Players hear: XP!

DM describes: *anything that doesn't move*
Players hear: Loot!

Ravens_cry
2010-10-07, 05:43 PM
{{scrubbed}}

grarrrg
2010-10-07, 06:28 PM
@MarkusWolfe:

HEY! This is a CLEAN message board! I do believe one of the rules is no swearing and no pornography, KEEP IT CLEAN!

Volthawk
2010-10-07, 06:37 PM
@MarkusWolfe:
01001001010001100010000001010101010100100010000001 00011101001111010010010100111001000111001000000011 00100010000001001000010000010101011001000101001000 00010000100100100101001110010000010101001001011001 00101100001000000100110101000001010010110100010100 10000001001001010101000010000001001101010001010100 00010100111000100000010100110100111101001101010001 010101010001001000010010010100111001000111

Heh, "IF UR GOING 2 HAVE BINARY, MAKE IT MEAN SOMETHING"

Morph Bark
2010-10-07, 06:40 PM
{{scrubbed}}

Chrono22
2010-10-07, 06:44 PM
{{scrubbed}}

The Rabbler
2010-10-07, 07:02 PM
DM Says: "Do you want to rest here?"
DM Means: "You're all too injured/weak to continue. Now is a safe place to rest."
Players Hear: "Get ready for a night-time encounter."

JaxGaret
2010-10-07, 07:56 PM
DM: *Anything, anything at all.*

Players: "Obviously, the solution is murder!"

Or grand larceny... or lying through your teeth if neither of the other two are viable.

Ravens_cry
2010-10-07, 09:02 PM
{{scrubbed}}

Fiery Diamond
2010-10-07, 10:16 PM
I posted this in the other thread as well...

DM says: I don't allow evil PCs in my campaign.
DM means: PCs are supposed to be heroes.
Players hear: So CN is okay, yeah? SLAUGHTER TIME!

DM says: If it doesn't say it in the rules, then I decide how it works.
DM means: Stop contradicting me.
Players hear: I need you to keep arguing with me.

DM says: Be nice to the other players.
DM means: Don't antagonize people.
Players hear: Be mean to the DM instead.

DM says: *NPC dialogue*
DM means: Listen up, because this might be important. Or it might not. You never know.
Some players hear: Blah blah blah, let's get on with it already!
Some players hear: Ever single syllable is vitally important! Let's take notes!


All of the above are from campaigns I ran.

Edit:
{{scrubbed}}

Serpentine
2010-10-07, 10:52 PM
DM Says: You find a book.
Novice Players Hear: Boooring, lets find something to kill.
Intermediate Players Hear: Oooh, is it a tome? MINE!
Veteran Players: Well, he's got the Call of Cthulu book open again. I need fire.Or, in my game -
Players Think: Is it Bilbo's Biggun?!
DM Rolls: It is! :smallbiggrin:

DM Says: There is a big red button on a plinth.
DM Means: Go on. Push it :smallamused:
Players Hear: If you push this something terrible will happen
Players Think: ...but it's a big red button! Onna plinth!

Rayek4eq
2010-10-07, 11:37 PM
We'll see how this one turns out (we haven't officially rolled yet):

DM says: "I'd prefer if you stuck to the PHB, but I want people to have fun..."
DM means: "Pick a Fighter, dammit."
Players hear: "...Maybe a Githyanki Psion?"

DM says: "...darkness you see the walls of the cathedral are lined with grotesque-looking gargoyles and....."
DM means: "Ahem.... pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."
Players think: "Elf, Spot Check! Spot Check!"

Serpentine
2010-10-08, 12:55 AM
DM Says: Okay, it's a +2 Holy Smiting Doodad of Awesome Stuff that does Three Different Effects x times a day.
DM Means: Write all this down so I don't have to keep remembering where I wrote it down - if I did at all - every time you want to use it.
Players Hear: +2 Doodad of Stuff, got it.

Mikeavelli
2010-10-08, 02:53 AM
Can i sig this :smallbiggrin:

I'd be honored if you would :D.

Now, more to contribute!

DM Says: "The fighter advances towards you, wielding a glowing red blade that looks like it's made out of light"

DM Means: "Dude has a Brilliant Weapon"

Players Hear: "Star Wars!"

Choco
2010-10-08, 08:30 AM
DM says: "What's your marching order?"
Players hear: "Come up with the most strategically sound formation to be travelling in cause you are about to be attacked."

DM says: "Guys, I want this to be a serious campaign this time!"
Players hear: "Every good serious story has at least one comic relief character, the more the better!"

DM says: "If your character is someone who could not have survived past the age of 5 acting the way he does in game, you cannot play that character."
Players hear: "Come up with a good reason that your psycho Chaotic Stupid character made it to 30"

arrowhen
2010-10-08, 08:49 AM
DM says: This campaign will feature an even mix of combat and roleplaying opportunities.
Players hear: Kill everything that moves!

DM says: This is a story-focused, RP-intense campaign.
Players hear: Write a 20 page backstory, then kill everything that moves!

MarkusWolfe
2010-10-08, 09:19 AM
DM says: This campaign will feature an even mix of combat and roleplaying opportunities.
Players hear: Kill everything that moves!


I dunno, I heard: Have a character who is an actual person, with an actual personality, backstory and motives. You will need it for between combat sessions.

Choco
2010-10-08, 09:28 AM
DM says: This campaign will feature an even mix of combat and roleplaying opportunities.
Players hear: Kill everything that moves!

How true. There is no "roleplaying opportunity" that cannot be solved with combat after all.

DM says: "I want you guys to work together."
Players hear: "I want you guys to put up with the other PC's just because they are PC's"

DM says: "This monster is way too powerful for you to take on at this time."
Players hear: "Get back on the rails, punks!"

DM says: "You come across a Balor mounted on a Tarrasque."
DM means/players hear: "Keep acting stupid/powergaming and see what happens."

Maryring
2010-10-08, 09:31 AM
DM says: "You come across a Balor mounted on a Tarrasque."
Someone should draw that.

Rhavin
2010-10-08, 09:54 AM
From a campaign I'm a player in:

DM says: A Khadoran flagged warship begins to overtake your steamboat. They're calling for you to heave to for inspection.

Players think: Awesome! We're getting a new ship!

Starbuck_II
2010-10-08, 09:57 AM
DM says: If it doesn't say it in the rules, then I decide how it works.
DM means: Stop contradicting me.
Players hear: I need you to keep arguing with me.

So true.
I think that is what he means.

Seatbelt
2010-10-08, 10:04 AM
DM: He appears to be unarmed.
Players hear: This guy can kill you all on the spot, and doesn't need weapons to do it.



My group hears 1 of 2 things differently from yours.

Players hear: It's a mage. Run!
Players hear: Its a monk! Kill it.

LibraryOgre
2010-10-08, 10:20 AM
The Mod Wonder: Posting entirely in Binary or Hex, especially without providing a translation, falls under the "posting in another language" of the "Please Don'ts". Warnings will be issued as appropriate.

Arbane
2010-10-08, 11:42 AM
DM says: This is a story-focused, RP-intense campaign.
Players hear: Write a 20 page backstory, then kill everything that moves!

No, no - that's the behavior of immature troglodytes who don't understand REAL Roleplaying.

It's "Kill everything that moves, then ANGST about it!"

MarkusWolfe
2010-10-08, 12:26 PM
No, no - that's the behavior of immature troglodytes who don't understand REAL Roleplaying.

It's "Kill everything that moves, then ANGST about it!"

No, no, no. You got it all wrong. It's "Kill everything that moves, then pick up chicks with the story about that time you killed everything that moved."

Tyndmyr
2010-10-08, 12:30 PM
DM says: "You come across a Balor mounted on a Tarrasque."
DM means/players hear: "Keep acting stupid/powergaming and see what happens."
Players Hear: The Dm realized we're awesome enough to kill this. Extra xp, booyah!


Fixed that for ya. :smallwink:

Choco
2010-10-08, 12:59 PM
Fixed that for ya. :smallwink:

Ah, what was I thinking, thanks for that!

Of course that would be followed by whining about how a bad DM caused a TPK by forcing the party into a fight they couldn't win.

Which leads us to:

DM says: "That's what you get for picking a fight with something obviously much more powerful than you."
Players hear: "That's what you get for trying to derail my plot train."

arrowhen
2010-10-08, 01:25 PM
DM says: Core only.
Players hear: Bring 40 different splatbooks, just in case.

Ruinix
2010-10-08, 01:44 PM
Originally Posted by Choco View Post
DM says: "You come across a Balor mounted on a Tarrasque."
DM means/players hear: "Keep acting stupid/powergaming and see what happens."
Players Hear: The Dm realized we're awesome enough to kill this. Extra xp, booyah!



Fixed that for ya. :smallwink:

you r mean, you know that right ?

DM say: *BBEG yaba yaba very climatic speach in wich explain his own point of view where don't appearas to be that bad*
Players hear: ROLL INITIATIVE & roll high

grarrrg
2010-10-08, 01:59 PM
The Mod Wonder: Posting entirely in Binary or Hex, especially without providing a translation, falls under the "posting in another language" of the "Please Don'ts". Warnings will be issued as appropriate.

Wait.
You mean my fake warning to knock it off was actually, inadvertantly, a correct warning? (in an "ends justify the means" kinda way)

I'm...I'm not sure how to take this...I...I was just messing around...I...I didn't mean to be right about it...I didn't mean to be right about anything...I...I need to lie down for a bit...


On a related note:
DM says: Wow, I...I didn't think you guys would do that?...I'm going to call for a short break so I can quick whip something up for that...
Players Hear: WE BROKE THE DM WHOOOOOOOOOO! WE WIN!!

Ruinix
2010-10-08, 02:40 PM
On a related note:
DM says: Wow, I...I didn't think you guys would do that?...I'm going to call for a short break so I can quick whip something up for that...
Players Hear: WE BROKE THE DM WHOOOOOOOOOO! WE WIN!!

nice one.
i have another :P

DM Say: how much damage?!?! :smalleek: oook i think u can't use that power in that way.
DM Think: how the hell it pass snip that ?! :smallannoyed:
Player hear: finally i get it around!!! whooooohaaa! :smallcool:

Ravens_cry
2010-10-08, 02:46 PM
What DM's say:No, never!
What Players hear: What, never?
What DM's mean: Hardly ever.

RdMarquis
2010-10-08, 03:51 PM
Here's one from my campaign.

DM says: You suddenly realize that you've been thrown two thousand years into the past.
Players hear: I dare you to try and conquer the ancient world.

Urpriest
2010-10-08, 08:18 PM
What DM's say:No, never!
What Players hear: What, never?
What DM's mean: Hardly ever.

1 Gilbert+1 Sullivan= 1 Internet

Well done sir.

Aux-Ash
2010-10-08, 08:38 PM
In my experience:

DM says: Interesting...
Players hear: *Omnious organ music of doom*

*DM rolls dice*
DM says: *nods* Very well, the hallway/room seems empty
Players hear: There is something there and it's watching you.

Urpriest
2010-10-08, 08:49 PM
DM says: The BBEG's religion has vile sexual rituals.
Players hear: The DM is into vile sexual rituals.

Fiery Diamond
2010-10-08, 09:15 PM
DM says: Robbing random stores is considered evil in my campaign. Evil is not allowed.
Players hear: I hate you all and don't want you to have any fun in my campaign.

*halfling rogue/assassin walks into dark room carrying torch*
PC: I make a spot check.

DM says: Tell me where you're looking.
DM means: I'm not going to assume you checked the ceiling unless you tell me you did.
Player hears: ...a random question...

PC: Forward and to the sides.
DM says: Just forward and to the sides?
DM means: I'm giving you a second chance.
Player hears: I'm not sure I heard correctly, say it again louder.

PC: Yes, forward and to the sides.
DM says: At head level?
DM means: COMMON SENSE! USE IT!
Player hears: I'm being a dumb DM and asking too many questions.

PC: Yes.
DM says: *rolls* You take 6 damage. Roll a grapple check. A choker is trying to choke you to death.
Player hears: PC death time, sucker!

The above actually happened in a campaign I DMed. The best part is that the halfling went exploring in the dark room alone, without the other PCs, and he failed his grapple check. No calling for help, because he's being choked! He got lucky and the other PCs decided to check on him just in time. He was in the negatives during the actual fight.

Clovis
2010-10-09, 04:23 AM
*halfling rogue/assassin walks into dark room carrying torch*
PC: I make a spot check.

DM says: Tell me where you're looking.
DM means: I'm not going to assume you checked the ceiling unless you tell me you did.
Player hears: ...a random question...


This one is sooo true... We've also learned it the hard way. Always specify where you looking at!

Also:
DM says: after an interminable trek through the dark, sinister forest you arrive at a beutiful glade. There is a path of white stones leading to a bright red cottage. On the doorstep there is an elderly woman with apple cheeks and she's waving at you invitingly. She's holding a fresly-baked pie that gives off a mouth-watering scent...
Players hear: A witch! A witch! Ruuuuun!

(based off an actual incident)

Iceforge
2010-10-09, 05:17 AM
In our current campaign, in which I am a player, the following has happened a few times in different variations:

DM says: "So you are sure thats your plan?"
DM thinks: "So you are not going to use the loot I gave you last time, which is obviously ideal to solve your current problem
Players think: "There is something in the describtion of our current location/encounter we have missed, but I can't figure that out, so screw it"

How was we supposed to realize having futuristic handgrenades was supposed to be benifitial to a fight against an attacking horde of orcs? -Yeah, I know, we should have.

DM says: "You got a map showing the most likely location for the sunken ship you are looking for, other things the dead wizard had in his lap includes a note about this location, detailing he didn't know how to enter this sunken vessel, as it was shielded. The map also shows the location of another city on the isle, which may or may not have been slaughtered by the monsters of the isle like the harbour city you just left"
DM thinks: "Now we will have fun with lots of encounters i spend hours to design as they go to the other city to look for help on how to enter this ship"
Players hear "You know where the ship is, go there now, leave the Isle forever and never come back"

EDIT: Oh, another from same campaign, after all but one of the party enters a special magical house we got which can be shrunk down, leaving all inside suspended animation, and one from the party uses our Anklet of Translocation to enter the sunken vessel, which is a futuristic space-ship (in which we get the above mentioned handgrenades)

DM: "You are in a 40ft by 20ft room with 25ft to the ceiling, on the walls are control panels, which seem like odd things your character doesn't understand"
Player: "Oh, our house is 20ft by 20ft, I will unfold it here"
DM: "Well, true, but the top of the roof is more than 25ft tall, so it won't unfold here"
DM thinks: "You'll have to find another method to get your friends inside, like opening the exit"
Player hears: "You have to be smarter to get them in"
Player thinks: "Well, if I put the house down on the side with the door facing up, it should still fit"

Yeah, we never solve things the way the DM had intended, and worst part is, we aren't doing it on purpose, we just don't see the solutions he got in mind and he doesn't see the solutions that spring to our mind before we tell him.

IthroZada
2010-10-09, 05:42 AM
Here's one from my campaign.

DM says: You suddenly realize that you've been thrown two thousand years into the past.
Players hear: I dare you to try and conquer the ancient world.

That reminds me of my step-brothers home brewed world. He has two players who have played from 1-21 so far, and their entire goal is to destroy his world. I can't remember where the time travel comes into it, but seducing dragons and burning down entire towns is part of their plan.

Kris Strife
2010-10-09, 05:44 AM
DM says: "Vizer", "Royal Advisor" or "Gotee"
Players hear: "This is one of the villains."

Clovis
2010-10-09, 05:45 AM
How was we supposed to realize having futuristic handgrenades was supposed to be benifitial to a fight against an attacking horde of orcs? -Yeah, I know, we should have.


Seems like you missed the obligatory 'Holy Grail' reference.

ie the Holy Hand Grenade of St Antioch

:smallwink:

Serpentine
2010-10-09, 07:53 AM
DM says: Tell me where you're looking.
DM means: I'm not going to assume you checked the ceiling unless you tell me you did.
Player hears: ...a random question...See, I'm always leery about doing that in my games, because it always (or I think it always) goes like this:

DM says: Tell me where you're looking.
Player hears: Look up.
Yeah, we never solve things the way the DM had intended, and worst part is, we aren't doing it on purpose, we just don't see the solutions he got in mind and he doesn't see the solutions that spring to our mind before we tell him.As a DM, I really love it when that happens :smallbiggrin:

Amiel
2010-10-10, 04:43 AM
DM: *Anything, anything at all.*

Players: "Obviously, the solution is FIRE!"

Fixed for you

ffone
2010-10-10, 05:43 AM
Q: "Conan, what is best in life?"

A:

Players hear: Write a 20 page backstory, then kill everything that moves!

grarrrg
2010-10-10, 08:49 PM
Q: "Conan, what is best in life?"

A:
To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.
Having a late night talk show NOT taken away by Jay Leno?

Zaydos
2010-10-10, 08:53 PM
Q: "Conan, what is best in life?"

A:

Ah we're supposed to play evil characters.

Beelzebub1111
2010-10-10, 09:09 PM
DM: Your detect magic finds that the <any item> is magical
Players: IT'S CURSED! You shouldn't use it unless you properly identify it, even though it could possibly be useful or necessary to complete this dungeon.

DM: From what you can tell, this magic item causes all undead in the vicinity to become uncontrollable and violent to every living thing they see.
Players; This is an amazing magical treasure, bring it with you into Karrnath. That will work out great.

DM: Here's an NPC who has a mission for you to journey into the mournlands, he is providing you with a guide (another player who's character has been on expeditions before), Goodberry Wine, and a means to teleport out once the mission is complete.
What he means: I spent the last 8 Months building a campaign to a mournlands expedition. It has branching points to 5 other adventures, all of them leading to character based story progression. I've addressed your every fear and concern, just please take the damn mission.
Players Hear: Do whatever the hell you want. I can quickly adapt the entire campaign to an overland journey to Q'Barra for no apparent reason. And I think that you calling it Obama because you misread the map very hilarious, please keep doing it forever.

Ryu_Bonkosi
2010-10-10, 09:59 PM
DM: *describes an NPC enemy with great detail*

Player hears 1 of 2 things:

#1: Run! We obviously have no way of beating this thing.

#2: Stay and fight. He will just use Deus Ex Machina anyway to defeat it for us.

DragonOfUndeath
2010-10-11, 02:01 AM
DM says: a kobold is standing by the stairs with a holy symbol casting heal on the other kobolds
Players hear: blah class levels blah more XP blah back-up holy symbol for PC cleric

this actually happened and the DM actually let us use the symbol later when he took the clerics normal symbol and forgot about this one

Worlok
2010-10-11, 07:21 AM
Q: "Conan, what is best in life?"

A:

To win initiative, to roll a natural twenty, and to hear the lamentation of the GM. (http://bloody-nipple.groboclown.net/0122.html) Sorry, I just couldn't help myself. :smallbiggrin:

grimbold
2010-10-11, 11:19 AM
dm says; well i hope you guys have food for tonight
players think; crap WE DIDNT PACK FOOD AND WE"RE OUT OF SPELLS!
Dm then says; maybe you should forage
players think; well looks like we have to go back and fry up those kobolds from earlier.

(yah frying up kobolds is how my party likes to roll)

Naia
2010-10-11, 11:20 AM
DM says: A beautiful young woman sitting in a chair smiles at you and says "Good evening".

Players hear: A soulsucking, leveldraining vampire! RUN!

Tira-chan
2010-10-11, 12:09 PM
DM says: Hey, what's everyone's passive Perception/Insight checks?
Players hear: Start rolling active Perception/Insight checks.

DM says: This city has strict rules against public combat, and offenders will be jailed.
DM means: For once, can we PLEASE get through a session without killing any innocent bystanders?
Players hear: Ooh, jailbreak sidequest = more XP!

DM says: The palace is encrusted with gold filigree, and glowing jewels decorate its dome.
Players hear: Purple prose, purple prose... ahah! Treasure!


Q: "Conan, what is best in life?"

A:

To make unnecessary references to Discworld.

LibraryOgre
2010-10-11, 01:07 PM
To make unnecessary references to Discworld.

No, that would be if you said "Cohen, what is best in life?"


For my players, the thing they most often hear is:

DM: (describes a scene)
Players: Ooooh... flammables.

Tira-chan
2010-10-11, 02:12 PM
No, that would be if you said "Cohen, what is best in life?"


For my players, the thing they most often hear is:

DM: (describes a scene)
Players: Ooooh... flammables.

Well, yes, but my point was that most players I know will find a way to throw the quote in, and then high-five each other. Same goes for Monty Python.

Dire Moose
2010-10-11, 03:19 PM
DM says: Blocking your way is a pool of what appears to be water.
Players hear: Blocking your way is a pool of some unknown liquid that is probably going to kill you on contact.

Personal anecdote regarding the above:

DM says: There is a pool of water blocking your way.
Players hear: Obviously it's just water or the DM would have said "appears to be water".
*Players throw a log into the pool to check for aquatic monsters, log dissolves*
DM: It turns out it was actually a pool of hydrochloric acid.

Later on in the same campaign:

DM says: The floor is covered with muddy water.
Players hear: The floor is covered with some unknown liquid that is probably going to kill you on contact.


And in the same dungeon as before:
DM says: The hallway is ten feet wide, with a foot of muddy water covering the floor.
Player hears: It's a generic hallway with some flavor added.
Player says: I walk down the hallway. (Note: player is currently alone and is wearing full plate)
DM says: So you're just going to walk down the corridor?
DM means: This is your chance to decide between life and death. Please tell me you're making Search checks.
Player hears: Gah, stupid DM is asking me to repeat what I already said.
*player falls down a ten-foot dropoff, still in full plate, and drowns*

Kesnit
2010-10-11, 03:35 PM
DM says: A beautiful young woman sitting in a chair smiles at you and says "Good evening".

Players hear: A soulsucking, leveldraining vampire! RUN!

I thought Succubus.

Arbane
2010-10-11, 04:49 PM
I thought Succubus.

Or a Lamia, a Changeling assassin....plenty of possibilities.

Tyndmyr
2010-10-11, 04:52 PM
Well, when an attractive woman begins making sexy noises or looks at the characters, one of two things is happening.

1. The DM is plotting your character's horrible demise.

2. The DM is going to roleplay sexy time with you.

In either case, the proper response is clear.

Zaydos
2010-10-11, 04:53 PM
Well, when an attractive woman begins making sexy noises or looks at the characters, one of two things is happening.

1. The DM is plotting your character's horrible demise.

2. The DM is going to roleplay sexy time with you.

In either case, the proper response is clear.

Strip off your armor to get it on with a woman you know is married?

Cause that's what the LG knight did in my game (it was a succubus; he almost died).

Naia
2010-10-11, 05:47 PM
Yeah well - my players allways thinks (actually shouts) "Vampire!" (and I've only ever set one upon them - must've scared the crap out of them)... :smalleek:

holywhippet
2010-10-11, 06:28 PM
DM says: I won't be following the rules to the letter. I'll be going on what I think makes sense.
Players hears: If I see a chance to kill one of you off I'm taking it - and the only way the rulebook is going to stop me is if one of you club me to death with it.

Jade_Tarem
2010-10-11, 06:38 PM
Well, when an attractive woman begins making sexy noises or looks at the characters, one of two things is happening.

1. The DM is plotting your character's horrible demise.

2. The DM is going to roleplay sexy time with you.

In either case, the proper response is clear.

Female NPC (seductively): "So, maybe we should head up to my room and th-"

Player (shoves holy symbol in her face): "AAAAIIIIEEEEEE! BACK FOUL CREATURE!" (Looks at DM) "How much roleplaying xp do I get?"

grarrrg
2010-10-11, 07:51 PM
Well, when an attractive woman begins making sexy noises or looks at the characters, one of two things is happening.

1. The DM is plotting your character's horrible demise.

2. The DM is going to roleplay sexy time with you.

In either case, the proper response is clear.

KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Although, there is about a 1 in 1,000,000 chance that your DM is of the opposite gender AND attractive. If that is the case then the correct response would be KILL IT WITH FIRE!

gdiddy
2010-10-12, 12:46 AM
DM says: Everyone should have a back story how you came to work for this lord.

Player hears: You should be really edgy and tell me how you don't work for him.

---

DM says: It's gritty medieval European-style combat.

Player hears: BUILD A CHAIN TRIPPER!

---

Amiel
2010-10-12, 12:49 AM
DM smiles secretly over a rolled die
Players: Oh crap

DragonOfUndeath
2010-10-12, 12:55 AM
DM says: a giant shadow looms out of the darkness, roll initiative
Players hear: killable shadows, XP and loot

golentan
2010-10-12, 12:56 AM
KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Although, there is about a 1 in 1,000,000 chance that your DM is of the opposite gender AND attractive. If that is the case then the correct response would be KILL IT WITH FIRE!

I would totally mack with my GM, I'll completely level with you. And opposite gender be damned. Roleplaying sexy fun times sounds like... sexy fun times, though that is DM specific. :smallbiggrin:

DM Says: I don't think the rules allow that.
Players Hear: My fascist adherence to the rules is entirely to spite you, I hate you, and you are going to die alone and unloved.

DM Says: I'm handling X thematically because the rules don't do what I need them to do.
Players Hear: My willful ignorance of the rules is entirely to spite you, I hate you, and you are going to die alone and unloved.

Volos
2010-10-12, 02:11 AM
This first one is fairly specific to my group.

DM says: He is wielding only a Rapier and appears to wear little to no armor.
Players Hear: He is wielding your death and appears to wear the blood of the innocent

Now the first time I said this next one it went like this...

DM says: The half-orc rages, frenzies, and turns into a bear.
Players Hear: He grew opposable thumbs to wield that great-ax.

The second time I said this, it went more like this...

DM says: The great wrym green dragon, rages, frenzies, and turns into a bear.
Players Hear: The dragon just gave up several size categories.