Handling a mentally ill violent friend

[WarKitty]

We have this one young woman in our group. When she came in she was a nice person, sort of rough around the edges but fundamentally nice. But it seems that her personality has just changed lately. She's angry all the time and explodes over every little thing. Full out tantrum explosions, throwing things down. It's at the point where we've actually had to make plans as a group for what happens if she tries to hurt someone. In short, it's a really bad situation.

I honestly have no idea how to handle this. It's the point where we were always told to "go tell a grown-up." Well, there's no grown-up here to tell. We're adults. There's the school health system but frankly they're idiots. I would guarantee that their entire response would be to have her kicked off campus and sent home to an abusive family. Even if we could get her to agree to counseling I have no idea where she'd go or how it could be afforded with her family refusing to support her.

So, um, yeah, my apologies if this thread is inappropriate or misplaced. I've been whining a bit over it's effects on our D&D group (and in the LGBT thread on dealing with her bigotry). I don't want to abandon my friend, I think there's something wrong and she needs medical help. But there's no way to get it.

[Bhu]

The Department of Job and Family Services (i.e. welfare) may be of help. Many of the local hospital I live nearby have a program with them for people who cant afford their own mental health care.

[WarKitty]

The Department of Job and Family Services (i.e. welfare) may be of help. Many of the local hospital I live nearby have a program with them for people who cant afford their own mental health care.

Honestly, I think we'd find money if we could convince her to go in the first place. But it's one of those things where she doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior...

I don't know if it's even mental illness or not. All I know is it didn't use to be like this, she didn't used to be this volatile.

[xPANCAKEx]

you're not mental healthcare professionals

for your own safety, and the sake of your friend, dont even attempt to be them.

seek professional help immediately

/thread

sorry - but there REALLY isnt anything more to say on the matter that wouldnt give you false hope or, worse, bad ideas.

dont try to be a hero - you could get yourself seriously hurt

[WarKitty]

you're not mental healthcare professionals

for your own safety, and the sake of your friend, dont even attempt to be them.

seek professional help immediately

/thread

sorry - but there REALLY isnt anything more to say on the matter that wouldnt give you false hope or, worse, bad ideas.

dont try to be a hero - you could get yourself seriously hurt

Where do you go for professional help like that though? I mean, if I had somewhere I knew to go I'd go there, but what am I supposed to do, make an appointment at some random counselor's place and tell them I have this friend that's worrying me but hasn't done anything strictly violent yet and isn't going to get therapy?

Trust me, if I knew where to *go* to get some help with this I'd go there. But all I'm seeing is people that are either going to ignore it or make the whole situation worse. I don't want to be the hero here, but all the other options I'm seeing end in someone else getting hurt, and that's not an improvement.

[_Zoot_]

Is there some branch of the Government that you could talk to? Over in Australia I could talk to a representative of the Department for Health and Ageing, there must be someone that could advise you from the Government...

Yeah, not very good advice I know, hope you find a solution to the problem. :smallfrown:

[WarKitty]

Stateside, so no not really. You basically can't do anything until someone either commits a violent crime or makes an overt suicide move. Even then it's hard, especially if the criminal system gets a hold.

[xPANCAKEx]

most areas have some sort of psychiatric health care hotline

you're being defeatest by saying they will make things worse before you've even reached out for help

your friend HAS been violent by throwing things around. Its just that shes not directed that violence at a person yet.

as for the mean time: regardless of whether SHE sees it as a problem, tell her that the behavior is unnacceptable in the presence of the group, so she'll have to knock it on the head if she wants to continue attending.

[WarKitty]

most areas have some sort of psychiatric health care hotline

you're being defeatest by saying they will make things worse before you've even reached out for help

your friend HAS been violent by throwing things around. Its just that shes not directed that violence at a person yet.

as for the mean time: regardless of whether SHE sees it as a problem, tell her that the behavior is unnacceptable in the presence of the group, so she'll have to knock it on the head if she wants to continue attending.

Well, I don't know where I would reach out for help other than the student health center that has amply proven to me that they are not competent to handle anything more complex than exam stress. They're well known for screwing over students with mental health issues, and basically treating even students (myself included) showing no signs of violent tendencies as potential dangers.

What I meant when I talked about violence was she hasn't done anything that would bring her to the level where someone can legally step in. More what I said in the last post - while it is a violent action, it's not something I can take to the police or a mental health place and have them step in.

And it's the harrisburg/gettysburg area, if anyone can find the hotline I would be extremely grateful.

[Jack Squat]

The arguably safest way to deal with her is to distance yourself and your group as much as realistically possible from her. The longer you're around her, the greater chance that you or someone else gets hurt.

Of course, if you just ditch her, she may reach out and strike against someone else.

The phone number for Mental Health Services in Dauphin Co. is 717-232-8761. I'm seeing another number as (717) 780-7050. They should be able to help you a little more than our forum.

[WarKitty]

The arguably safest way to deal with her is to distance yourself and your group as much as realistically possible from her. The longer you're around her, the greater chance that you or someone else gets hurt.

Of course, if you just ditch her, she may reach out and strike against someone else.

The phone number for Mental Health Services in Dauphin Co. is 717-232-8761. I'm seeing another number as (717) 780-7050. They should be able to help you a little more than our forum.

Where did you get those? We're actually Cumberland County, looking that up now.

Edit: got some info, will call monday.

[_Zoot_]

The arguably safest way to deal with her is to distance yourself and your group as much as realistically possible from her. The longer you're around her, the greater chance that you or someone else gets hurt.



I have to agree, it might be safer for you and your friends to distance your selves, if you think that she will do something violent.

[Coidzor]

There likely is some variety of state (http://www.dhss.delaware.gov/dhss/dsamh/crisis_intervention.html)/local program in place, it's only a matter of finding it, really.

But... in any event, you can't continue to put up with her bad behavior. She has to be confronted with how she's affecting others, and if she can't or won't behave in an appropriate manner, you shouldn't be enabling her by dancing around her whims and caprices and hoping that she's not going to attack one of you. Once you've reached that point where you're actively worried about violence, you don't keep on grinning and bearing it. That point is after when the issues should have been discussed plainly and openly.

Up to your judgment if you still have any ability to help her get to help though.

[WarKitty]

...the more I think about it, the more I do think we are going to need to have some sort of confrontation. I'll talk to our mutual friends first. It's gotten to the point where everyone's worried about getting her upset. I don't think a confrontation will lead directly to violence. But I do think that it needs to be done as a group, not individually.

[TSGames]

...the more I think about it, the more I do think we are going to need to have some sort of confrontation. I'll talk to our mutual friends first. It's gotten to the point where everyone's worried about getting her upset. I don't think a confrontation will lead directly to violence. But I do think that it needs to be done as a group, not individually.

If it's really distressing the group this much, then why don't you get together and tell her that she needs to seek help if she wants to keep gaming with your group?

[WarKitty]

If it's really distressing the group this much, then why don't you get together and tell her that she needs to seek help if she wants to keep gaming with your group?

Because it's not just about gaming, and part of the problem honestly is her own fear of mental illness. I don't think she's going to admit she might have a mental health problem, even if it resulted in leaving her only friend group.

[TSGames]

Because it's not just about gaming, and part of the problem honestly is her own fear of mental illness. I don't think she's going to want to admit she might have a mental health problem, even if it resulted in leaving her only friend group.
If she can't handle the truth, if she is incapable of admitting that she has a problem, then she is currently incapable of recovery. Unfortunately, it does not sound like this person is ready to address the problem. If your group members are fearing for their safety, then something must be done. If you and your group members are willing to tolerate the constantly perceived threat of potential violence in order to avoid making this person confront her problem, then that is your choice. However, if you are not willing to tolerate the potential danger, perhaps it would be best if she took a break until she gets some help. No one is saying that the group members can't still be there for her while she gets help. To me, it seems an awfully terrible and cold idea to turn a blind eye to the problems of friend and the safety of the group members in order to avoid causing some discomfort.

[Coidzor]

Because it's not just about gaming, and part of the problem honestly is her own fear of mental illness. I don't think she's going to admit she might have a mental health problem, even if it resulted in leaving her only friend group.

Well, that's her choice to make. But if she's really been so disruptive and caused so much distress and worry about her, she's pretty much compromised her relationship with the rest of you anyway. I'm amazed you've all kept so tightlipped about it if it's been so disruptive.

[WarKitty]

If she can't handle the truth, if she is incapable of admitting that she has a problem, then she is currently incapable of recovery. Unfortunately, it does not sound like this person is ready to address the problem. If your group members are fearing for their safety, then something must be done. If you and your group members are willing to tolerate the constantly perceived threat of potential violence in order to avoid making this person confront her problem, then that is your choice. However, if you are not willing to tolerate the potential danger, perhaps it would be best if she took a break until she gets some help. No one is saying that the group members can't still be there for her while she gets help. To me, it seems an awfully terrible and cold idea to turn a blind eye to the problems of friend and the safety of the group members in order to avoid causing some discomfort.


Well, that's her choice to make. But if she's really been so disruptive and caused so much distress and worry about her, she's pretty much compromised her relationship with the rest of you anyway. I'm amazed you've all kept so tightlipped about it if it's been so disruptive.

I know. I think everyone's slowly realizing that it's not going to go away. We were hoping that it was just a temporary stressor and she would come to her senses after a while, but...well, she's trapping herself in a cycle now, and it's becoming painfully obvious. I think I pick it up faster after having been through an abusive relationship in the past. Took a while, but I did finally figure out that working around a volatile person just. does. not. work.

I did think of one other thing just now. She's the type that would be more open to discussing issues with a priest or spiritual leader than with a mental health professional. That might be a good option to suggest to her.

[Bhu]

She sounds like several people I know who have issues with both depression and anxiety. They get frustrated and eventually just blow up and throw stuff. She really needs someone she feels she can talk to.

If you can get her to do it, the easiest way (at least I know this is how it works in Ohio) is to get a doctor to write her a recommendation of some kind. If a doctor believes you need a therapist to look at you, the hospital will try to accommodate you if you have no money because they have programs they can enroll you in. People I know here visit a therapist free because they have no job.

[Cobra_Ikari]

I used to have a "friend" somewhat like this. Hotline would probably be your best bet...

...we didn't do that, my friends and I just set up contingencies for how to restrain him if he flipped out and started attacking us, held an intervention or two where we tried to get him to accept that he had anger problems and probably needed professional help, things like that. They didn't work out, though...and then he ended up threatening my friends, I had an argument while he threatened to hurt me a lot, and I think the only reason that worked at all was that his girlfriend told him the points we were trying to make to him were entirely true. We ended up losing him as a friend, but...apparently, he's doing a bit better now. =\

But yeah, professional first. >.<

[Mr. Moon]

Where do you go for professional help like that though? I mean, if I had somewhere I knew to go I'd go there, but what am I supposed to do, make an appointment at some random counselor's place and tell them I have this friend that's worrying me but hasn't done anything strictly violent yet and isn't going to get therapy?

That is exactly what you should do.
Find out what the local services in your area are and ask for help. Trust me, these people know what they're doing, they can help you a lot more than you're thinking they can.