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Choco
2010-12-13, 01:20 PM
http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=170721

Since the above thread got necromancied and locked, I guess I can now rez it!

DM says: "This will be a serious campaign."
DM means: "PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, roll up and RP some serious characters for once! I am so tired of running slapstick games year after year..."
Players hear: "Every serious story needs comic relief, so please, I would LOVE for you to try that deaf/mute bard idea you have been planning!"

DM says: "If there is no way your character could have made it to adventuring age acting like they do now, you cannot play that character."
DM means: "If I get stuck with another Chaotic Stupid character I swear I'm gonna TPK the whole lot of them and go home."
Players hear: "I need you to write in your backstory why your character is just now suddenly acting like an insufferable moron all the time."

DM says: "Are you SURE?"
DM means: "Do you WANT to die?"
Players hear: "You guys are on to something that I don't want you to do."

The Mod Wonder: Choco is perfectly within the rules, here. The previous thread was locked for necromancy; since it's no longer an active thread, and wasn't locked for any other cause (i.e. it didn't get too political or illegal), the rules (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/announcement.php?a=1) in fact encourage people to start new threads. Game on!

Tengu_temp
2010-12-13, 01:25 PM
DM says: "Okay, you can try kicking the dragon in the nuts in the middle of combat, but at a huge penalty to the roll."
DM means: "I don't want you to do something like this in my game and the penalty is there to discourage you."
Players hear: "Go for it! In fact, I don't mind if you try doing this every battle. Feel free to optimize your character specifically for this one move, too."

Christopher K.
2010-12-13, 01:40 PM
DM says: "Yeah, I guess so?"
DM means: "I have no idea what you're doing but so far you haven't done anything to break the rules so I'll roll with it."
Players hear: "Oh my god, you've discovered the monster's secret weakness! YOU ARE INVINCIBLE."

Grommen
2010-12-13, 01:57 PM
DM Says: "Really? You want to tell the queen of the Elven Nation that you told her dirty little secret to everyone in the known universe?"

DM Means: "So you most likely don't think that this coarse of action will have an equal and deadly response?"

Players Hear: "Bla bla bla wa wa wan naaana aaa bla..."

They don't ever listen.

kyoryu
2010-12-13, 02:01 PM
DM says: I'm going with a more old-school feeling - characters *can* die.
DM means: No, really, if the wizard insists on going toe-to-toe with a minotaur, he'll get smooshed.
Players hear: I'd never kill one of your precious snowflakes - I just want you to think I will so that it adds tension to the game.

Kobold-Bard
2010-12-13, 02:01 PM
DM says: You're sure you want to pick the noble's pocket?

DM thinks: You're level 1 and I described him as having a sword that seemed to cut the air as he walked. Please, in the name of all that's good don't roll that dice.

Player hears: If I roll a natural 20, I can get the kickass sword too!!

True story :smallannoyed:

Choco
2010-12-13, 02:06 PM
Players Hear: "Bla bla bla wa wa wan naaana aaa bla..."

They don't ever listen.

Thats cause the only thing players understand is dice rolls and the few words leading up to them, AKA "make a will save", "what's your AC", etc. The Elven queen just needs to speak their language :smalltongue:.

DM says: "You guys realize that y'all are lvl 3, and thus FAR from the most powerful beings around, right?"
DM means: "Just because you come across someone/something does NOT mean I placed it there for you to fight, so quit picking a fight with everyone."
Players hear: "blah blah blah ADMIRE MY OVERPOWERED MARY SUE CHARACTER THAT IS BETTER THAN YOU IN EVERY WAY blah blah blah"

Tyndmyr
2010-12-13, 02:11 PM
DM says: The doors are metal. No, a much harder metal than your sword.

DM means: For the love of all that is holy, try opening the door using some means other than a boot. Perhaps then knob.

Players think: Loot the door.

PanNarrans
2010-12-13, 02:16 PM
DM says: so the quickest way is through the kobold warren.
DM means: hooray, tactical encounters ahoy!
Players think: kobolds!?! Go around the other side of the mountain.

DM says: Diplomacy will probably not help in this situation.
DM means: I very much doubt you'll talk your way out of this one.
Players hear: I'm going to need some SERIOUS roleplay before the guards see that pile of corpses your way.

Beelzebub1111
2010-12-13, 05:29 PM
DM Says: "NPC: Well...Q'Barra is on the ass end of the world, Through taletia planes filled with bandits, past the inhospitable Blade Desert, and Beyond the nigh impassible Endworld Peaks, but If you do this job for me in the Mournlands, I'll eventually have something that you can do there"

DM Means: "I actually have stuff ready for Q'Barra at a higher level, but a lot of your character related plot-threads that create pivotal world changing moments based on your actions and allow you access to your prestige classes that you wanted, depend on you staying in the Five Nations for just a little while longer. So can you please, just this once, do the mission that I ask you to do?"

Players Hear: "I AM RAILROADING YOU HERE! THIS IS MY STORY! STAY ON THE TRACKS YOU STUPID PLAYERS!"

May become a true story.

WarKitty
2010-12-13, 05:32 PM
DM says: <<descriptive stuff>>
DM means: I am trying to create an interesting, realistic world for you here.
Players hear: LOOT!!!!

TheCountAlucard
2010-12-13, 05:33 PM
DM says: "If you guys buy a copy of the core book, I'll give you experience points for it."
DM means: "Maybe, just maybe, if you buy the core book, you guys'll actually learn the rules, or at least where to go in the book when you want to do something, and I think the possibility of that is worth XP."
Players hear: "I can be bribed!"

arguskos
2010-12-13, 05:36 PM
DM says: <<descriptive stuff>>
DM means: I am trying to create an interesting, realistic world for you here.
Players hear: LOOT!!!!
And it is this conundrum that forced me to take a break from DMing. :smallsigh:

DM Says: Guys, the Tomb of Horrors is dangerous. Are you sure you want me to run that?
DM Means: You're not going to have fun and will be bitchy, something I'd rather avoid. Please rethink this decision.
Players Hear: Sounds like a challenge to break the DM! GOGOGO!

You can replace the ToH with other soul-destroying modules (Caverns of Tsojcanth comes to mind). Also, true story. They yelled at me for almost a month after that session, even though I warned them TWICE and they insisted. :smallsigh:

Tvtyrant
2010-12-13, 05:42 PM
DM Says: I'm new to DMing, but I have played a lot.
DM Means: I understand the rules but might not be great at storytelling.
PCs Hear: Pun-Pun!

Cealocanth
2010-12-13, 05:43 PM
DM says: So your going to open the lead casket containing the dead body of a Shardmind whose radiation levels are so high it would probably vaporize you if you were to even touch it?

DM means: Don't do this. You're going to get yourselves killed beyond resurrection. I don't want it to all end with "you vaporize, everyone dies, no saving throw."

Players hear: Congratulations! You've just unlocked the ultimate magical weapon! This rock can be thrown like a nuclear bomb into a battlefield to vaporize an entire army. I want you to use it on everything you encounter!



... at least in my campaign...

Stanlee
2010-12-13, 05:43 PM
Assuming most of the games are played at the DM's home

DM says: Oh, you brought Cheetos
DM means: Why do they have to bring food that leaves orange dust all over my basement
Player hears: Awesome, he loved Cheetos! I bet if I being a ton every time and share them with everyone he will give me extra xp. :)

mootoall
2010-12-13, 05:45 PM
DM says: <<descriptive stuff>>
DM means: I am trying to create an interesting, realistic world for you here.
Players hear: PHAT LEWTS!!!!!!!!

Phixed Fixed that for you :smallwink:

EagleWiz
2010-12-13, 05:51 PM
DM says: I really hadn't planned on you going there untill you were higher level...

DM means: That place is full of great wyvrn dragons and you are all level 5.

Players hear: Phat XPs and loot! Onwards!



DM says: So you keep the sword even though you know it is evil and was mindcontrolling the last BBEG?

DM means: That thing is evil and has an ego score of 30

Players hear: That thing is at least +3! Dibs!

Stanlee
2010-12-13, 05:57 PM
DM says: So you keep the sword even though you know it is evil and was mindcontrolling the last BBEG?

DM means: That thing is evil and has an ego score of 30

Players hear: That thing is at least +3! Dibs!

Player hears: This sword is so incredibly awesome that you can do all the evil you want and you can claim the sword did it.

JaronK
2010-12-13, 05:57 PM
DM says: The doors are metal. No, a much harder metal than your sword.

DM means: For the love of all that is holy, try opening the door using some means other than a boot. Perhaps then knob.

Players think: Loot the door.

Done it! Hey, he said it was an adamantium door...

DM says: I'm doing a realistic gritty version of a heroic campaign, and looking for mostly human, non magical characters. You will not be allowed any spellcasting in this campaign.

Player hears: No spellcasting? Okay, I'll make a wild shaping character that's a dinosaur all the time.

Yes, this happened to me. I don't understand how we got from "realistic" and "mostly human" to "dinosaur."

JaronK

Defiant
2010-12-13, 06:09 PM
This thread is awesome :smallbiggrin:

My own contribution:

DM says: Nothing from any of the Dragon magazines please.

DM means: There's a lot of broken stuff in there and I'd rather put a blanket "no" rule on it than go through every single thing case-by-case, try to evaluate it, and have to say no sometimes, upsetting people.

Player hears: Nothing from any of the Dragon magazines - with a few exceptions, including the most broken things for your class.

Excession
2010-12-13, 06:11 PM
DM says: So you keep the sword even though you know it is evil and was mindcontrolling the last BBEG?

DM means: That thing is evil and has an ego score of 30

Players hear: That thing is at least +3! Dibs!

I tried that one. It was even self-mobile so it could escape and become a recurring villain. They held it down while the wizard disenchanted the poor thing :smallfrown:

Fuzzie Fuzz
2010-12-13, 06:44 PM
DM says: Diplomacy will probably not help in this situation.
DM means: I very much doubt you'll talk your way out of this one.
Players hear: I'm going to need some SERIOUS roleplay before the guards see that pile of corpses your way.

Pfft, I wish. More like, "You just slaughtered the entire royal family? Well, what's a few more guards going to matter? Go ahead, kill everyone."

Any relaxation on the roleplay-reigns and my players go into "burn slaughter rape pillage kill burn!" mode. Directly telling them to not try to be diplomatic would be catastrophic.

DM Says: The guards have surrounded you. You are outnumbered at least five to one, and they appear to be better armed than you. The captain orders you to drop your weapons."
DM Means: You idiots, what did you think would happen if you threw a rock at the king? Just be nice and then we can do a prison-break session next week. Please don't try to fight these guys, or you're going to die.
Players Hear: If you leave the rails, you will get lots of XP and fancy magic items! KILL KILL KILL!

Vladislav
2010-12-13, 06:47 PM
DM says: Sandbox game.

DM means: I'm too lazy to think up a plot.

Players hear: Let's go rob some merchants!

Kaun
2010-12-13, 07:12 PM
DM says: Sandbox game.

DM means: I'm too lazy to think up a plot.

Wow what sandbox games are you playing in?!?

DM says: You dont find any traps.
DM means: Why would anybody put a trap here?
Players hear: OMG SUPER TRAPS! spend 3 hours pokeing stuff with 10ft poles and throwing stones at everything!!!?!?!!

Halae
2010-12-13, 07:21 PM
DM says: You dont find any traps.
DM means: Why would anybody put a trap here?
Players hear: OMG SUPER TRAPS! spend 3 hours pokeing stuff with 10ft poles and throwing stones at everything!!!?!?!!

Oh, so many times...

DM says: This is the princess
DM Means: This is one of the rare fleshed out characters of the campaign. Please don't screw with her.
1 Player Hears: This is the damsel in future distress. kill her now so we don't have a cliche plot.
Another Player Hears: My my, I suppose it's time to pull out the charm and join the royal family!
Yet Another Player Hears: She is clearly wealthy. Time for wanton slaughter and loot!

Vladislav
2010-12-13, 07:23 PM
Wow what sandbox games are you playing in?!?

DM says: You dont find any traps.
DM means: Why would anybody put a trap here?
Players hear: OMG SUPER TRAPS! spend 3 hours pokeing stuff with 10ft poles and throwing stones at everything!!!?!?!!
Wow what dungeons are you playing in?!?

WarKitty
2010-12-13, 07:24 PM
DM says: Sandbox game.

DM means: I'm too lazy to think up a plot.

Players hear: Let's go rob some merchants!

DM says: Sandbox game

DM means: You're going to ignore the plot anyway, so why give you one?

Players hear: Let's go rob some merchants!



DM says: You see a wanted poster up in the tavern. It has your faces on it.

DM means: Did you really think you could rob a bunch of wealthy merchants and not attract any notice?

Players hear: MOAR XP!!!

Gamer Girl
2010-12-13, 07:36 PM
DM says: "Can we have a game with no distractions?''
DM means: "Can we just ignore or turn off cell phones for the duration of the game"
Players hear:(Each of them separately)"Oh, the DM is not talking about send text me. I came here get text to game and not send text to play with send text my phone all night gets call


Sigh

Kaun
2010-12-13, 07:37 PM
Wow what dungeons are you playing in?!?

ow you think this situation was happening in a dungeon?!?!:smallamused:

The Glyphstone
2010-12-13, 07:41 PM
DM says: So your going to open the lead casket containing the dead body of a Shardmind whose radiation levels are so high it would probably vaporize you if you were to even touch it?

DM means: Don't do this. You're going to get yourselves killed beyond resurrection. I don't want it to all end with "you vaporize, everyone dies, no saving throw."

Players hear: Congratulations! You've just unlocked the ultimate magical weapon! This rock can be thrown like a nuclear bomb into a battlefield to vaporize an entire army. I want you to use it on everything you encounter!



... at least in my campaign...

Heck, my reaction would indeed be to keep it sealed, then have an artificer build a way to remote-open it from a safe distance. Now I've got my very own D&D Ark of the Covenant, complete with face-melting.

Choco
2010-12-13, 07:53 PM
DM says: "Can we have a game with no distractions?''
DM means: "Can we just ignore or turn off cell phones for the duration of the game"
Players hear:(Each of them separately)"Oh, the DM is not talking about send text me. I came here get text to game and not send text to play with send text my phone all night gets call


Sigh

UGH. Phones: the ONE thing I hate the most about my gaming group....

DM says: "Evil campaign."
DM means: "You guys act like it all the time anyway, so I'm giving you what you want."
Players think: "How is this different than all the previous campaigns?"

comicshorse
2010-12-13, 08:22 PM
DM says: "Can we have a game with no distractions?''
DM means: "Can we just ignore or turn off cell phones for the duration of the game"
Players hear:(Each of them separately)"Oh, the DM is not talking about send text me. I came here get text to game and not send text to play with send text my phone all night gets call


Sigh

Ironically enough we just had to have a word with our G.M. about constantly stopping the game to text his wife

WarKitty
2010-12-13, 08:32 PM
Heck, my reaction would indeed be to keep it sealed, then have an artificer build a way to remote-open it from a safe distance. Now I've got my very own D&D Ark of the Covenant, complete with face-melting.

So, do you have any PC-flavored popcorn for this thread? I hear they taste like housecat.

AtlanteanTroll
2010-12-13, 08:46 PM
DM Says: This box has an aura of death, is coloured the colour of purest black and the key hole is shaped like a gaping skull. You can't open it.
DM Means: DONT OPEN!!
Players Hear: So, I roll a natural 20, and I'll unleash Death? HELL YES.

:smallsigh:

Grommen
2010-12-13, 08:53 PM
DM Says: "NPC: Well...Q'Barra is on the ass end of the world, Through taletia planes filled with bandits, past the inhospitable Blade Desert, and Beyond the nigh impassible Endworld Peaks, but If you do this job for me in the Mournlands, I'll eventually have something that you can do there"

DM Means: "I actually have stuff ready for Q'Barra at a higher level, but a lot of your character related plot-threads that create pivotal world changing moments based on your actions and allow you access to your prestige classes that you wanted, depend on you staying in the Five Nations for just a little while longer. So can you please, just this once, do the mission that I ask you to do?"

Players Hear: "I AM RAILROADING YOU HERE! THIS IS MY STORY! STAY ON THE TRACKS YOU STUPID PLAYERS!"

May become a true story.

O it is......It totally is. Wrecked my last campaign too.

TheBlackShadow
2010-12-13, 08:57 PM
DM says: You see a wanted poster up in the tavern. It has your faces on it.

DM means: Did you really think you could rob a bunch of wealthy merchants and not attract any notice?

Players hear: MOAR XP!!!

Your players sound a lot like the guy playing Qui-Gon Jinn in Darths & Droids ( http://www.darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0063.html http://www.darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0077.html ).

Things get much more complicated from thence onwards. I think he hires out a bunch of people into helping him (the Sand People shooting at contestants during the podrace - don't ask how that helped) by promising to reward them by helping them track down a Jedi (himself, of course) and sharing the bounty with them. And that's only a small part of his plan, it was so complicated I forgot the rest.

Grommen
2010-12-13, 09:10 PM
UGH. Phones: the ONE thing I hate the most about my gaming group....

DM says: "Evil campaign."
DM means: "You guys act like it all the time anyway, so I'm giving you what you want."
Players think: "How is this different than all the previous campaigns?"

What another player thinks: "Great now I can play my Paladin and have a gritty non conformist character. I can't imagine how that could go wrong."

RndmNumGen
2010-12-13, 09:52 PM
Last Session:

DM Says: "Halt! We have you surrounded! Drop your belongings and we won't have to kill you!"

DM Means: You are surrounded by bandits who have cover, concealment and can inflict significant damage if not kill you outright because you're only level 1. Seriously, at least pretend to surrender until they come out of the trees.

Players Hear: These bandits don't want to fight us. That means they're weaker than we are! CHARGE!!!

absolmorph
2010-12-13, 09:57 PM
DM says: There's a pillar in the hallway.

DM means: This mountain does not have the ability to entirely defy physics. They have some supports.

Player hears: Hit it with your sword!

Yyyyup. What makes it really sad is that I described it and even suggested that his character would realize it has some magical properties that the sorcerer or NPC cleric could explain. And he attacked it anyway.

Sindri
2010-12-13, 10:12 PM
What the GM says: Sandbox game.
What the GM means: I have built a beautiful world for you to do as you will in. There are adventure hooks, monster populations, dungeons and ruins, and cities spread logically across the map, a variety of detailed NPCs with engaging personalities which may become enemies or allies depending on your actions, complex politics between ancient and noble nations, and several BBEGs of varying power and motives working in the background, which you will have the opportunity to encounter, research, thwart, or even ally with as you shape the future of this world.
What players hear: Maybe if we sit in the tavern for another few weeks he'll drop a dungeon in our laps. Time for another brawl?

What the GM says: Are you sure you want to take a week long break from the dungeon to find someone to enchant your weapons now? You haven't heard of any famous wizards in the area, the curse on the townsfolk has been getting stronger for months, and the denizens of the dungeon won't just sit there and twiddle their thumbs now that they know you're after them, have observed your capabilities, and have had their only competition removed...
What the GM means: For one thing, the nearest guy powerful enough to do what you're asking for is two months away in the wrong direction, and chaotic evil. For another thing, the ritual's almost done, so if you leave for more than a few hours not only will the town no longer exist, but the BBEG will be far too powerful for you to fight, even if you do get new toys.
What the players hear: I want to take that 10,000gp away from you before you get out of danger, and I don't want you to figure out that there's an epic level artificer playing santa clause in the next village over.

What the GM says: No, there are no stairs down in this room either. The floor is solid stone.
What the GM means: I built a massive, beautiful dungeon, containing mountains of gold, lots of exp, and several powerful magic items. Not to mention the ingenious clues that have been placed as to the nature of the BBEG, his motivations, his plans for the future, and his weaknesses.
What the players hear: Stone? that's only hardness 8. If you're persistent and capable of dealing more than 8 points per hit, you can just dig down to the next level, where the real adventure is!

What the GM says: Are you sure you want to do that?
What the GM means: You're all going to die from stupidity, and I'll need to start a new campaign from scratch.
What the players hear: You've figured out the secret to infinite free exp and treasure!

Vladislav
2010-12-13, 10:12 PM
DM says: Roll to hit.

DM means: I need to know which AC you hit.

Player hears: Please just tell me the number you rolled on the die. I'm psychic and know your attack bonus anyway.

Sindri
2010-12-13, 10:20 PM
[B]Player hears: Please just tell me the number you rolled on the die. I'm psychic and know your attack bonus anyway.

Oh, gods, yes. How many times have I needed to ask the players their BAB, Str, and feats individually, add them together, tell them to write that down! and then repeat it all again over and over and over...and that's not even getting into saving throws, skill checks, the difference between an attack roll and a damage roll, and why you need to tell me both of them...

I need to introduce new players, and enjoy doing so for the most part, but sometimes it's very difficult to not punt them through a wall.

RandomNPC
2010-12-13, 10:32 PM
write that down!

So I'm the only one at my game table that waits to have the DMs attention, then rolls attack and damage at the same time, with modifiers written down ahead of time, and nobody can figure out why my turns go so fast.

Defiant
2010-12-13, 10:38 PM
This actually happened.

DM says: Your carriage is stopped, and an armoured man comes to tap on the window. (within the city)

DM means: Someone who looks like they are in a position of authority is probably stopping the carriage to check on ID and such stuff. (Little do the players know, it's actually a bandit who will wave in his gang to try robbing the party - random encounter basically)

Player does: Before any social exchange whatsoever is made between the armoured man and the party (save for the tap on the window), the player jumps through the window attacking the bandit - and one shot killing him.

I ruled that the rest of the gang did not come out from the bushes due to awe and terror.

Sindri
2010-12-13, 10:41 PM
(Little do the players know, it's actually a bandit who will wave in his gang to try robbing the party - random encounter basically)

You need to get to know the group before you try to trick them. Otherwise their insane responses to ordinary things might be exactly what they should do...

WarKitty
2010-12-13, 10:44 PM
You need to get to know the group before you try to trick them. Otherwise their insane responses to ordinary things might be exactly what they should do...

Or my personal favorite trick. The obviously evil guy in the black robes asking them to fetch some books on how to make a lich was actually the representative of the NG guild that wanted to study how to destroy a lich. A few times of that generally cures them of being too stabbity.

Lord.Sorasen
2010-12-13, 10:56 PM
Am I the only one who's had the exact opposite experience?

What GM says: You were right! You look behind the wagon to see a half-orc and his dire badger companion attempting to steal the treasure!

What GM means: This should provide them with an interesting fight.

What players hear: That's unusual, what motive do they have? Perhaps their isn't enough food for their family this year! Maybe we're the villains!

Our dm freaked out when we asked her about this. Turns out they were just villains. No reason whatsoever. From that point on we just crossbow-d every "evil humanoids" we could find.

Morithias
2010-12-13, 11:02 PM
This is probably only going to happen in my campaign (I'm DM)

DM Says: I'm going to run a game based off of Rune Factory and maybe alter a few rules in the DMG2.
DM means: I suck at making NPCs on the fly and I'm getting tired of making settings on the fly, so I'm just going to steal it and be honest.
Player 1: "I want to run a tavern"
Player 2: "I'll make the blacksmith once we have the cash."
DM: huh...didn't see that coming.

Yeah, we're actually in the middle of a Dnd game based on harvest moon. Crazy Awesome, I have half a mind to throw in some Ultima and have them fly into space to kill tie fighters.

Defiant
2010-12-13, 11:23 PM
You need to get to know the group before you try to trick them. Otherwise their insane responses to ordinary things might be exactly what they should do...

But I did know the group! And very well!

I had an NPC warn them of bandits, and that they could take two routes: either the direct route laden with potential bandits, or a detour around and through a city. Little did they know that their expectations had been subverted - there were no bandits on the direct route, but they were in the city. They chose to take the detour.

And that's where the scout with the buffed up Tumble skill decided to jump through the window and crit the bad guy.

Choco
2010-12-13, 11:29 PM
Am I the only one who's had the exact opposite experience?

No, no you are not. My group does that on purpose.

Random kid that tried to pickpocket you in town? "OMG HE MUST BE THE BBEG'S AGENT, KILL HIM WITH FIRE!!"

Obviously evil Blackguard hunting the party down under the BBEG's orders? "He must be one of those tragic villains that is being forced into this! We should do our best to talk to him and learn his story!"

I can't whine though, that's what I get for always reversing their expectations (like WarKitty's example).

Gavinfoxx
2010-12-13, 11:38 PM
Yeah, we're actually in the middle of a Dnd game based on harvest moon. Crazy Awesome, I have half a mind to throw in some Ultima and have them fly into space to kill Dralthi.

Fixed that for you. If you are going to make an Ultima reference, at least use Origin's space combat series. After all, Ultima VII has a Bloodfang (the same type of fighter Prince Thrakhath flew; the one in Ultima VII is the Wing Commander II version) in a field.

Vladislav
2010-12-13, 11:45 PM
DM says:Make a Spot check please.

DM means:Make a Spot check please. (he doesn't actually mean the "please")

Players hear: I need you to explain to me in detail all the precautions your character is taking, the way he's meticulously examining every inch of the corridor, the way he's tapping his 10-foot pole on the floor with each step, and the range of his darkvision.

Sindri
2010-12-13, 11:52 PM
You can fix that one by asking for random perception rolls whenever you feel like it, especially when there's nothing there. After a few sessions of stopping to bang on walls for half an hour and checking every item and each character for tampering every morning, they realize that you're just screwing with them. At which point the real trouble begins:smallbiggrin:.

Yukitsu
2010-12-13, 11:54 PM
You can fix that one by asking for random perception rolls whenever you feel like it, especially when there's nothing there. After a few sessions of stopping to bang on walls for half an hour and checking every item and each character for tampering every morning, they realize that you're just screwing with them. At which point the real trouble begins:smallbiggrin:.

This just makes savy players buy more 10 foot poles, magnets, mirrors and rope. Buildup with lots of lies always means something big is coming.

John Cribati
2010-12-13, 11:55 PM
From my one attempt at DMing

DM Says: "A person in a hood tells you where to go. All five of your Sense Motive checks reveal that this person is trustworthy."
DM Means: "Follow her dammit! That's where the plot is."
Players Hear: "It's a Trap!"

Vitruviansquid
2010-12-13, 11:59 PM
DM says: Kill the goblins.
DM means: Kill the goblins.
Players hear: Befriend the goblins.

:|

Vladislav
2010-12-14, 12:01 AM
DM says: The game starts at nine.

DM means: Please be there at 8:50 so we can start at nine.

Players hear: Nobody's on time for those things anyway, so you might as well be there at half past nine*.


* Some players hear "half past ten" for some reason.

Tvtyrant
2010-12-14, 12:05 AM
DM Says: Please keep track of your character sheet
DM Means: I have three games I am running and keeping them all separate is already difficult.
Players Hear: Roll a new character every session!

fireinakasha
2010-12-14, 12:12 AM
DM: Tell me what character you're playing.
DM means: Name, race, class, stat block, sit down, shut up until I'm through with everyone else.
Player hears: Okay, so let's start with your character's favorite childhood food...

Vladislav
2010-12-14, 12:23 AM
Player hears: Okay, so let's start with your character's favorite childhood food...

I wish this was the case. I wish. However, when DM says "Tell me what character you're playing" what players actually hear is:

Ask me what's the difference between Sorcerer and Bard. Please. Ask me. I crave to tell you what the difference between Sorcerer and Bard is, in details, just so you can make an informed decision. So ask.

kyoryu
2010-12-14, 12:33 AM
Fixed that for you. If you are going to make an Ultima reference, at least use Origin's space combat series. After all, Ultima VII has a Bloodfang (the same type of fighter Prince Thrakhath flew; the one in Ultima VII is the Wing Commander II version) in a field.

Ultima II?

Gavinfoxx
2010-12-14, 12:50 AM
Ultima II?

Yea, I know they went to space in some of the earlier Ultimas, but those didn't really have very coherent plots, and were, in general, just kind of 'weird'. I like the Ultima IV remake though, that works well...

But yea, you can do weird stuff in Ultima II, and some of the spinoff games. So? I still would consider tying it to the more in depth Origin Games space mythos, if you really want to do space stuff...

Morithias
2010-12-14, 02:10 AM
Yea, I know they went to space in some of the earlier Ultimas, but those didn't really have very coherent plots, and were, in general, just kind of 'weird'. I like the Ultima IV remake though, that works well...

But yea, you can do weird stuff in Ultima II, and some of the spinoff games. So? I still would consider tying it to the more in depth origin space mythos, if you really want to do space stuff...

Ultima 1. To stop the bad guy you have to get a time machine from a princess, to get the time machine you have to be a space ace, to become a space ace you need to go into space and kill 20 tie fighters, to go into space you need to...pay 1200 gold to the blacksmith....

No I'm not making this up. Go watch Spoony's Review of it if you don't believe me.

Edit: Although they're not called 'tie fighters' they damn well look like them in design and character icon. If I posted a picture of Darth Vader and said "Oh that's not Darth Vader, that's "Evil dude mcbadass who like pink". You'ld still probably call it Vader for the sake of not having to remember the name.

Plus I didn't know the name to begin with. Spoony hasn't reviewed number 7 yet. Only up to 6.

GoodbyeSoberDay
2010-12-14, 02:52 AM
Many of these are one-sided. I like it when we're cynical about everyone.

The DM Says: No ToB or Psionics.
The DM Means: I'm too lazy to learn sub-systems, despite the fact that I've spent decades crafting every last detail of my super awesome campaign setting, 99% of which you will never encounter.
The Players Hear: I think Psionics and ToB are broken. Please break my campaign with a core spellcasting class to show me the error of my ways.

The DM Says: I prefer old school gaming, where the rules are just a guideline and the DM has the final say, no questions asked.
The DM Means: Screw the rules, I have railroad!
The Players Hear: With enough fast talking and/or bribery, your character can do anything he wants.

The DM Says: I'm running a more realistic, low-magic campaign; in the spirit of that setting, please pick base classes without full casting.
The DM Means: Every villain you face will be a spellcaster... who won't be killed before he can even act, dammit!
The Players Hear: It's time to whip out the ol' Ur Priest/Sublime Chord Mystic Theurge!

FoE
2010-12-14, 03:07 AM
From a more forgiving DM:

The DM Says: Oops! I should re-roll since the dice bounced off my Coke can there.
The DM Means: I just one-shotted the meat shield by accident and I need to roll again or this fight's going to be over again in the next couple of rounds.
The Players Hear: LOL I AM SO CHEATING AND TEH PLAYERZ WILL NEVAH CATCH ON LOL

And I've learned my lesson about doing this:

The DM Says: Poised from atop a pile of corpses, the villain makes you an offer: join him and you can rule this world together!
The DM Means: I'm giving you guys the opportunity to act heroically and refuse the villain's offer before engaging him in a final battle. You'd have to be an idiot to trust someone so utterly evil anyways.
The Players Hear: EPIC LOOTZ IF YOU SAY YES

Gavinfoxx
2010-12-14, 03:21 AM
Ultima 1. To stop the bad guy you have to get a time machine from a princess, to get the time machine you have to be a space ace, to become a space ace you need to go into space and kill 20 tie fighters, to go into space you need to...pay 1200 gold to the blacksmith....


Like I said, WEIRD and WITHOUT COHERENT PLOTS. I wasn't making that part up yaknow!

fireinakasha
2010-12-14, 03:32 AM
I love this thread, because it is amusing, because it's bringing back fond memories, and because it has polymorphed into a vicious two-headed beast with one head making DM says/means jokes, and the other head discussing Ultima in all it's glory. Long live this thread!

In every campaign I've ever been involved in:

DM says: *rolls dice* no, your bluff check failed. The King does not believe you.
DM means: The king will never believe you because you are trying to tell a #^$%^&@~! stupid lie. I just rolled some dice so that you won't whine about railroading.
Player hears: Your bluff check failed because the number on this die I rolled is more than the number on that die you rolled, so you should keep trying again and again and again.

kyoryu
2010-12-14, 04:25 AM
Like I said, WEIRD and WITHOUT COHERENT PLOTS. I wasn't making that part up yaknow!

The plot for 2 was a bit more coherent, and by the time you got to 3 it actually made sense.

I'm pretty sure that 2 had a space bit as well as 1, but I don't think that 3 did. However, 3 did have the fact that the ultimate bad guy
was a computer.

Of course, the objective of 4 was to read a book, so...

Maethirion
2010-12-14, 04:51 AM
DM: Tell me what character you're playing.
DM means: Name, race, class, stat block, sit down, shut up until I'm through with everyone else.
Player hears: Okay, so let's start with your character's favorite childhood food...

Really? I'd love to have that from my players! Well. Maybe not quite that extreme. As far as they go is

DM Says: I'm looking to try a more roleplaying campaign, or even adventure - just to give it a shot, because we've been doing a lot of kick the door in lately. Would you mind creating at least some sort of a backstory?
DM Means: I'm getting kinda sick of kick-the-door-in, and we've never really had any roleplaying type adventures. Can we please give it a go? Also, "I convince the noble to give us free supplies" is not roleplaying.
Players Think: "Hmm. I'm a druid so... I want to run a petting zoo? For dangerous animals? I completely expect you to supply said petting zoo. And a sky-pirate ship would be cool too."

Also:

DM Says: After killing all of the combatant kobolds, you notice two very young looking ones huddling in a corner, looking very scared
DM Means: This is meant to be some sort of a test of character. You're a good aligned party, so you should probably let them go. You're not getting experience for them anyway.
Players Hear: More XP!

Lord_Gareth
2010-12-14, 05:01 AM
DM Says: "Alright folks, character creation - let's try to turn over some new leaves."
DM Means: "If you people play the exact same expies of anime characters again I will torment you until the day you die."
Players Hear: "Time for the annual name changes on our concepts!"

Choco
2010-12-14, 09:33 AM
DM says: The game starts at nine.

DM means: Please be there at 8:50 so we can start at nine.

Players hear: Nobody's on time for those things anyway, so you might as well be there at half past nine*.


* Some players hear "half past ten" for some reason.

And still others hear "Be completely unreachable until about 11, when you finally decide to call and say you are not coming." Quite often they also happen to be the ride for other players.... Not like I'm bitter or anything....

DM says: "Unlike your previous encounters, these guys are actually smart and known to use tactics."
DM means: "I am tired of taking it easy on you to avoid a TPK, and am finally going to force you to do something other than run up to the enemy and stand in one spot trading blows until someone dies."
Players hear: "You guys are so epic that the enemies are afraid to face you head-on, so you can REALLY shatter their plans and morale by continuing to charge right in their face like you have been."

Sipex
2010-12-14, 10:30 AM
DM Says: Is there anything you like/dislike about the campaign?
DM Means: Please give me negative and positive feedback, I want to know what you want to see more of, what you dislike, what kind of formats you want.
Players Hear: Tell me you like my campaign and continue bitching about what you don't like behind my back.

Defiant
2010-12-14, 10:40 AM
DM says: The game starts at nine.

DM means: Please be there at 8:50 so we can start at nine.

Players hear: Nobody's on time for those things anyway, so you might as well be there at half past nine*.

Uurrrggghhh! We used to start at 7. Then people started showing up at 8, and taking an hour to get ready, stop talking, etc. Then it slowly moved to 9. Now even the DM is starting to be late for the revised new timeframe - 9. Nowadays we basically start actually playing D&D at 10.

The most annoying part? We can only play until midnight, and then people have to go.

:smallfurious:



BONUS RAGE: Our party is 10 people. That means we get 2 or 3 combat rounds in a session.

---> This actually happened once. Combat started at the beginning of the session. We got 2 rounds of combat in. 2 rounds.

12 seconds!!

:smallfurious:

Kobold-Bard
2010-12-14, 10:50 AM
DM says: He/She says hello and smiles politely.

DM means: Waving at random NPCs. Your Ability to plumb new depths of innane baffles me.

Players hear: They didn't drop everything on their life to converse with us/give us plot points, they must be hiding something. KILL!!!

---------
DM says: No, that's stupid. Think of something else.

DM means: No, that's stupid. Think of something else.

Players hear: I love that idea but I don't want to be accused of favouritism, bitch and moan at me until it looks like I'm doing it just to shut you up.

----------
DM says: I warned you three times not to touch it.

DM means: Serves you right you pillock.

Player hears: I intentionally killed your character because they were too good.

Player thinks: I'll build an exact clone with a different name because if he tries that again I can just say he's railroading and make
him back down.

Vladislav
2010-12-14, 10:54 AM
DM says: You open the door and ... (short pause)

DM means: I'm about to give you a description of the next room any moment now. Are you listening?

Players hear: Did you say you were looking for traps before you opened the door? No, you didn't. Well, I'm going to throw you a bone; as long as you scream "WAIT, I LOOK FOR TRAPS!!" at the top of your lungs in the next 0.6 seconds, everything will be okay.

Defiant
2010-12-14, 11:01 AM
On that note...

DM says: ...

DM means: I'll wait until I have your collective attention before I proceed further.

Players hear: Nothing's happening in the game right now, so it's totally cool to keep yakking on about random things.

Grelna the Blue
2010-12-14, 11:31 AM
Not quite verbatim, but close enough:

DM says: You realize that the god of Blood and Battle is evil, right? One of the Dark Gods? There are equally martial gods among the Gods of Light, if you want one.

DM means: I've got a bad feeling about this. This guy is going to try to be a nonevil worshipper of one of my Dark Gods. Crap.

PC hears: bla bla bla BLOOD and BATTLE bla bla bla. Kewlness!

PC asks: But I could still be a nonevil worshipper, right?

DM says: ...yeeees, that's possible, a nonevil fighter could concentrate on a certain very close interpretation of certain parts of his doctrine. But it wouldn't be a very good fit.

DM means: What the frack--please no, don't do this thing. There's a good cleric in the party and I don't trust you not to break her. That player isn't ready to deal with someone like you yet.

PC hears: Absolutely, please go out and proselytize for the Dark God as a force for Good, ignoring all evidence and GM testimony to the contrary, while doing your best to trivialize the campaign information you've been given and reducing the setting to cardboard.

kyoryu
2010-12-14, 12:59 PM
DM says: Look, this is going to be a Good campaign, so let's stick clear of the Evil acts, okay?
DM means: For th love of God, can we have a single campaign that doesn't involve murder, torture, and heads on sticks?
Player hears: Make sure you only murder and torture bad guys, and that the heads on sticks aren't of innocent people, and we'll be cool.

Christopher K.
2010-12-14, 01:24 PM
DM says: The merchant is more than happy to fund your little expedition on the condition that you give him a share of the treasure you find.

DM means: Okay, sure, here's a quest for you. Maybe there's a way to incorporate this into my story since you aren't interested in the quest *I* came up with.

Players hear: Remotely helpful NPC? If I know my mysteries, the helpful one is always the traitor. KILL!

Kobold-Bard
2010-12-14, 01:26 PM
DM says: The merchant is more than happy to fund your little expedition on the condition that you give him a share of the treasure you find.

DM means: Okay, sure, here's a quest for you. Maybe there's a way to incorporate this into my story since you aren't interested in the quest *I* came up with.

Players hear: Share lewtz with an NPC? NEVAR!! We'll wait until we get back and then kill him in his sleep.

FTFY :smalltongue:

Sipex
2010-12-14, 01:32 PM
DM says: The merchant is more than happy to fund your little expedition on the condition that you give him a share of the treasure you find.

DM means: Okay, sure, here's a quest for you. Maybe there's a way to incorporate this into my story since you aren't interested in the quest *I* came up with.

Players hear: Share lewtz with an NPC? NEVAR!! We'll wait until we get back and then kill him in his sleep.



FTFY :smalltongue:

This then leads to the following:

DM Says: You now have all the priceless art pieces and artifacts that you gave the merchant. He was able to show them off at his expose before you got him in his sleep.

DM Means: You now have easily identifiable and renowned pieces of art and artifacts which, if I can help it, everyone worth a damn is going to know is stolen. So now you have a bunch of priceless loot which you can't sell and is, at best, incriminating.

Players Hear: When you try to sell this stuff, make a bluff check.

Duke of URL
2010-12-14, 01:32 PM
DM Says: Roll a Spot (Listen, Perception, whatever) check.
DM Means: I might just be messing with you, or maybe one of you will find a clue or other interesting tidbit.
Players Hear: ROLL INITIATIVE!


DM Says: The NPC leaves the room to get the item being discussed.
DM Means: Really. Nothing else.
Players Hear: ROLL INITIATIVE!



DM Says: Remember how I said that classes were just a meta-construct?
DM Means: I wanted you to create interesting characters, not just throw together 3 base classes, 2 (!) bloodlines, a racial paragon class, more LA than you can count on one hand, and ACFs and PrCs from 7 different splatbooks.
Players Hear: I'm singling you out for nerfing.



DM Says: Fine, but anything you can do, so can the NPCs.
DM Means: Please don't try to break the game and we can keep this civilized.
Players Hear: Time to out-optimize the DM! WOOT!



Player Says: Can I use this third-party or homebrew feature?
Player Means: It's actually less optimal than what I could do, but it fits the character concept.
DM Hears: I'm a munchkin.

Zanatos777
2010-12-14, 03:26 PM
DM Says: Is there anything you like/dislike about the campaign?
DM Means: Please give me negative and positive feedback, I want to know what you want to see more of, what you dislike, what kind of formats you want.
Players Hear: Tell me you like my campaign and continue bitching about what you don't like behind my back.

This. So very much this. It bothers me. I want to run something they enjoy too.

AyeGill
2010-12-14, 03:54 PM
DM says: well, you could steal [X item], but it's is pretty heavily guarded
Dm means: Anything is theoretically possible, but the odds of a nuclear warhead crashing this house right now are a lot better than your chances of pulling this off.
Players hear: OMG WE'RE GONNA HAVE OUR OWN [X item]

TinselCat
2010-12-14, 04:21 PM
DM Says: You see two security guards in the building, sitting at a table.
DM Means: ...so don't try anything stupid.
Player 1 Hears: There are only two of them.
Player 2 Hears: They're sitting, so they're doing nothing important right now.
Player 1 says: Can I kill them?
Player 2 says: I challenge them to a spitting contest.

(Player 2's action had precedence, because Player 1's action was phrased as a question)

And weaning them off of the same habit later:

DM says: The door clocks behind you. The control panel flashes briefly. The escape pod starts accelerating toward the planet.
DM thinks: Look, I gave you a hint: a control panel. Tell me you think it'll be helpful. Half of you can pilot.
Player thinks: What is this? There's nothing to kill here.
Player says: Ok, what next?

DM mission for that day: failed. In the defense of the players, they were all fairly new.

Baveboi
2010-12-14, 05:51 PM
I love when I try to be helpful and my players just go YOU HATE ME BUAAA and I sit there for half an hour before even realizing what just happened.

DM says: "Hey guys, the characters are all very cool. But see, a minotaur Warblade/Grapling Mauler, a half dragon Barbarian/Dragon Shaman and are not your best choices on a desert game. There are cooler things out there."

DM means: "W-What does that even eat? That's a playable race? W-Where did you find that? How can you do that? Where's your equipment? Where does that feat come from? [I]Why are you doing this to me?!..."

Player hears: "blablablabla Overpowered blablabla I hate you and everything you do blablabla I hate your dog blabla"

Players say: "Yeah? Than I will make core build so broken you gonna cry and [continuos rantosaurus]."




But what they don't know is that I'm already crying. True story.

JadedDM
2010-12-14, 05:54 PM
For the railroading ones, I sometimes have the opposite problem with my group.

DM says: Several bandits appear from behind the brush and trees, arrows at the ready.
DM means: I've decided to break up the tedium with a random encounter of level 1 bandits I rolled up.
Players hear: This must be an important part of the DM's storyline. We better surrender immediately.

Sometimes a random encounter is just a random encounter...

Vladislav
2010-12-14, 06:00 PM
DM says: The evil druid raises his hands, chants an invocations, and roots spring from the ground, grabbing at your ankles. Make reflex saves, please.

DM means: You're Entangled, duh. Make reflex saves. But that's okay, it's still a balanced encounter, because he's a level 3 druid, and you're five level 2 characters.

Players hear: Mwahahaha, Druid.

Tael
2010-12-14, 06:06 PM
DM says: "Hey guys, the characters are all very cool. But see, a minotaur Warblade/Grapling Mauler, a half dragon Barbarian/Dragon Shaman and [insert 1d3 random builds with random thematics] are not your best choices on a desert game. There are cooler things out there."


What's so weird about those builds? Half-Dragon and Minotaur are not exactly the strangest of races, one of them is focused on grappling, and the other is just a Barbarian who is focusing on his draconic heritage. They're also both pretty weak IMO.

olthar
2010-12-14, 06:39 PM
DM says: You want to set what on fire?

DM means: Setting the courtier blocking your entrance to the throne room on fire will not get you inside, or at least it won't get you inside in the way you want to get in.

Players Hear: FIRE!

Baveboi
2010-12-14, 07:08 PM
What's so weird about those builds? Half-Dragon and Minotaur are not exactly the strangest of races, one of them is focused on grappling, and the other is just a Barbarian who is focusing on his draconic heritage. They're also both pretty weak IMO.

Those are only recent examples. I'm an old style kinda guy. Don't like all that thing about fancy things and shallow characters.
But the classes and races aren't really the prob, the idea and build is what causes the horror in me.

Tael
2010-12-14, 07:17 PM
Those are only recent examples. I'm an old style kinda guy. Don't like all that thing about fancy things and shallow characters.

Uh, could you be a little more specific than "thing about fancy things"?


But the classes and races aren't really the prob, the idea and build is what causes the horror in me.

Again, what is wrong with the character build and ideas? Not only are Dragon Shaman and Reaping Mauler really weak, but these ideas seem pretty normal to me. Half-Dragon who can beat people up and breath fire seems pretty standard for any half-dragon, and what is strange about a grapple focused build?

kyoryu
2010-12-14, 07:24 PM
Again, what is wrong with the character build and ideas? Not only are Dragon Shaman and Reaping Mauler really weak, but these ideas seem pretty normal to me. Half-Dragon who can beat people up and breath fire seems pretty standard for any half-dragon, and what is strange about a grapple focused build?

I think it's the bolded part.

Some old-school folks might think that things like Half-Dragons are best left as NPCs, if not even purely adversaries.

Baveboi
2010-12-14, 07:36 PM
I think it's the bolded part.

Some old-school folks might think that things like Half-Dragons are best left as NPCs, if not even purely adversaries.

THAT's the right idea. But I don't mind throwing a Drizzt twist to it.
I mean, wanna be a frikkin Minotaur? Ok, go for it, but please don't act like you are a 9 feet tall human with horns and hair all over your body. Do you believe he actually made it an Erotic Fantasy Character?! I mean, the Minotaur is a physiculturist ex-haren slave.... Oh for crying out loud.

Put me on butter and call me a biscuit.

Soylent Dave
2010-12-14, 08:13 PM
Players hear: Nothing's happening in the game right now, so it's totally cool to keep yakking on about random things.

Or to be more precise "Nothing's happening to my character right now..."


What the GM says: Are you sure you want to do that?
What the GM means: You're all going to die from stupidity, and I'll need to start a new campaign from scratch.
What the players hear: You've figured out the secret to infinite free exp and treasure!

Looks like my players have been cheating on me with another GM.

-

GM Says : I'll just check my notes...
GM Means : You came up with an idea so completely out of the blue there is no possible way I could have prepared anything for it, but if I stare at these pieces of paper for long enough maybe I'll think of something.
Players hear : This is exactly what he expected us to do.

Beelzebub1111
2010-12-14, 08:43 PM
GM Says : I'll just check my notes...
GM Means : You came up with an idea so completely out of the blue there is no possible way I could have prepared anything for it, but if I stare at these pieces of paper for long enough maybe I'll think of something.
Players hear : This is exactly what he expected us to do.
You kidding me? I'm pretty sure that players confusing their DM with way out there plans is what being a player is all about.

Boci
2010-12-14, 08:58 PM
THAT's the right idea. But I don't mind throwing a Drizzt twist to it.
I mean, wanna be a frikkin Minotaur? Ok, go for it, but please don't act like you are a 9 feet tall human with horns and hair all over your body. Do you believe he actually made it an Erotic Fantasy Character?! I mean, the Minotaur is a physiculturist ex-haren slave.... Oh for crying out loud.

Put me on butter and call me a biscuit.

So you don't like poorly executed exotic character concepts? It just seemed you were focusing more on the "exotic" when "poorly executed" was more relevant.

Gamer Girl
2010-12-14, 10:56 PM
DM Says: Is there anything you like/dislike about the campaign?
DM Means: Please give me negative and positive feedback, I want to know what you want to see more of, what you dislike, what kind of formats you want.
Players Hear: Tell me you like my campaign and continue bitching about what you don't like behind my back.

I'll second this one and add

DM Says: Is there anything you like/dislike about the campaign?
DM Means: Please give me negative and positive feedback, I want to know what you want to see more of, what you dislike, what kind of formats you want.
Players Hear:Oh, um, tell me nothing until after we have spent five weeks on a 'Pirate Treasure Hunt-type' campaign and then say that you hate pirates and treasure hunts.

Jarrick
2010-12-14, 11:10 PM
I know what he's saying. Sometimes its like the players roll randomly to determine race, class, feats, builds, etc. and throw together these crazy improbable characters for reasons only they really know.

DM Says: Lets play in this new japanese setting I've created and give it a test run!

DM Means: Ok, I've just spent months designing 5 new classes, more than a dozen new races, and pored over tons of history to ensure the 100 or so weapons, new armors, locations, and religions are mostly historically accurate. Please have a look, read a little of what I wrote, and come up with something flavorful, preferably to help me playtest some of this new stuff.

Players hear: I want you to spend the rest of your life reading my setting's rules and changes.

Players Think: Screw the reading! Naruto/Bleach/Dynasty warriors* D20!!! :D

*Yes, dynasty warriors is Chinese, as was every character concept one of my brothers came up with. Finally, his Akiba (Oni-descended race) fighter walked into town with a western style greatsword and wearing "Trousers and a t-shirt." Another player was a goblin wujen.

FearlessGnome
2010-12-14, 11:12 PM
Player asks: So, hey, my familiar looks kinda sneaky. Can I send it out to steal things?
DM says: You... could.
Dm means: It's also frail. And it's not that sneaky. And if you piss someone off they can follow your familiar back to you. Or kill it.
Player hears: Yes, but you better stay from magic item shops. You could always have it break into mansions instead, and just buy the magical items with the thousands and thousands of gp you'll be making.

Gamer Girl
2010-12-14, 11:21 PM
DM Says: Lets play in this new japanese setting I've created and give it a test run!

DM Means: Ok, I've just spent months designing 5 new classes, more than a dozen new races, and pored over tons of history to ensure the 100 or so weapons, new armors, locations, and religions are mostly historically accurate. Please have a look, read a little of what I wrote, and come up with something flavorful, preferably to help me playtest some of this new stuff.

Players hear:What!!??! I can't be a Warforged Druid/Bard Skald? I can't be a half-orc cleric of Bane/assassin? I can't be a half red dragon troll sorcerer? That is not fair! Why can't my favorite race/class/option be part of the setting?

Jarrick
2010-12-14, 11:31 PM
DM Says: Lets play in this new japanese setting I've created and give it a test run!

DM Means: Ok, I've just spent months designing 5 new classes, more than a dozen new races, and pored over tons of history to ensure the 100 or so weapons, new armors, locations, and religions are mostly historically accurate. Please have a look, read a little of what I wrote, and come up with something flavorful, preferably to help me playtest some of this new stuff.

Players hear:What!!??! I can't be a Warforged Druid/Bard Skald? I can't be a half-orc cleric of Bane/assassin? I can't be a half red dragon troll sorcerer? That is not fair! Why can't my favorite race/class/option be part of the setting?

This. This is exactly it. :smallannoyed:

Beelzebub1111
2010-12-14, 11:33 PM
NPC Says: "I can offer you 2100 gold peices for this job"
Players say: "EACH!?"
DM says: "No...."
DM Means: "What the hell? you're first level and, I'm already giving you more than the module says for multiple party members. You're probably just used to a higher level game, and that's fine. But that's no reason to make me piss over WBL"
Players Hear: "You can barter and manipulate me all you want, because I have nothing else prepared for today."

havocfett
2010-12-15, 12:11 AM
DM: The Sword Cackles with Necrotic Magic. You get a distinct feeling that touching it is a bad idea. A cute rabbit dies instantly from getting close to it.
DM Means: It instakills you upon touch. You got me to mention this out of game when I was tired. There is no save that isn't the common sense will save.
Player: Must take!

Tyndmyr
2010-12-15, 12:23 AM
DM: The Sword Cackles with Necrotic Magic. You get a distinct feeling that touching it is a bad idea. A cute rabbit dies instantly from getting close to it.
DM Means: It instakills you upon touch. You got me to mention this out of game when I was tired. There is no save that isn't the common sense will save.
Player: Ok, we'll lasso it with a rope, and use it as a spinning wave of death!

Fixed that for you.

Tyndmyr
2010-12-15, 12:28 AM
I love when I try to be helpful and my players just go YOU HATE ME BUAAA and I sit there for half an hour before even realizing what just happened.

DM says: "Hey guys, the characters are all very cool. But see, a minotaur Warblade/Grapling Mauler, a half dragon Barbarian/Dragon Shaman and are not your best choices on a desert game. There are cooler things out there."

DM means: "W-What does that even eat? That's a playable race? W-Where did you find that? How can you do that? Where's your equipment? Where does that feat come from? [I]Why are you doing this to me?!..."

Player hears: "blablablabla Overpowered blablabla I hate you and everything you do blablabla I hate your dog blabla"

Players say: "Yeah? Than I will make core build so broken you gonna cry and [continuos rantosaurus]."




But what they don't know is that I'm already crying. True story.


Yeah, two classes and core races are...pretty tame. Especially if melee characters. If you have specific requirements for a setting, make sure players are notified prior to character creation. It'll make life easier for everyone. However, if you're a fan of playing D&D, I'd suggest just learning the characters for builds of that complexity. They're not at all unusual, and if you're looking for traditional band of normal races with nothing unusual or crazy...there are better systems.

Vladislav
2010-12-15, 12:55 AM
DM says: Dice that roll of the table have to be rerolled

DM means: Dice that roll of the table have to be rerolled

Player A hears: Dice that roll off the table have to be checked. Low results will be rerolled, while high results will be argued about.

Player B hears: If you roll two dice and one rolls off the table, check the other one. If it's low, you definitely want to grab and reroll both.

WarKitty
2010-12-15, 12:59 AM
DM says: Dice that roll off the table have to be rerolled

DM means: Dice that roll off the table have to be rerolled

Player A hears: Dice that roll off the table have to be checked. Low results will be rerolled, while high results will be argued about.

Player B hears: If you roll two dice and one rolls off the table, check the other one. If it's low, you definitely want to grab and reroll both.

:smallbiggrin:

Actually...


DM says: Dice that roll off the table have to be rerolled

DM means: Dice that roll off the table have to be rerolled

Player A hears: Dice that roll off the table have to be checked. Low results will be rerolled, while high results will be argued about.

Player B hears: If you roll two dice and one rolls off the table, check the other one. If it's low, you definitely want to grab and reroll both.

Player C hears: Dice that roll low should be accidentally nudged off the table.

kyoryu
2010-12-15, 01:44 AM
However, if you're a fan of playing D&D, I'd suggest just learning the characters for builds of that complexity. They're not at all unusual, and if you're looking for traditional band of normal races with nothing unusual or crazy...there are better systems.

That's like, your opinion, man.

DisgruntledDM
2010-12-15, 01:55 AM
Another true story

DM says: This campaign is going to be about setting up and running a thieves' guild. This NPC who runs a shop is actually a fence with a lot of connections in this city.

DM means: The campaign is about COOPERATIVELY running an organization. THIS IS A KEY NPC.

Players hear: Well, we're thieves and we're evil, so we must be playing Paranoia and Dragons. Kill NPC fence then backstab each other.

Baveboi
2010-12-15, 07:17 AM
DM Says: Lets play in this new japanese setting I've created and give it a test run!

DM Means: Ok, I've just spent months designing 5 new classes, more than a dozen new races, and pored over tons of history to ensure the 100 or so weapons, new armors, locations, and religions are mostly historically accurate. Please have a look, read a little of what I wrote, and come up with something flavorful, preferably to help me playtest some of this new stuff.

Players hear:What!!??! I can't be a Warforged Druid/Bard Skald? I can't be a half-orc cleric of Bane/assassin? I can't be a half red dragon troll sorcerer? That is not fair! Why can't my favorite race/class/option be part of the setting?

Oooooh I feel the warp/rage overtaking me. It's NOT a good pain.


Hey! Why everyone posts things about their players and their headaches with them for comical relief and only I get to be criticized. Sheesh people, I love D&D and I want to play things D&D.

When I bought the book back there in the 90s there was nothing saying it could lead people to create random characters more crazy than random encounters just because they want to test some random mechanic of the game, and not *GASP* play a character.
There was also no mention regarding mass awareness of a certain avian parody, and I feel like in that episode of Family Guy in eternal loop everytime I try to explain my motives.

DM says: Ok, you can take races like Tengu and others with avian features if you roll them correctly.
DM means: The option is there, doesn't mean you HAVE to take it. What are you? Kids in a candy store?
Players hear: I wanna bird, bird, bird! Bird is the word! Don't you know about the Bird?! Everybody knows that the bird's the word!
Player says: I wanna bird, bird, bird! Bird is the word!

*DM groans*


That's why we can't have nice things.

Kaww
2010-12-15, 07:56 AM
@ Baveboi why are you whining? You should control events that take place at your table. This is how it works in my groups:

DM says: No.

DM means: No.

Players hear: No.

Player says: But...

DM says: Not even then, but I see your point.

DM thinks: There is no point in a gargantuan dragon, which voluntarily gave up spellcasting, being worlds greatest and stealthiest thief...

Tael
2010-12-15, 10:41 AM
Oooooh I feel the warp/rage overtaking me. It's NOT a good pain.


Hey! Why everyone posts things about their players and their headaches with them for comical relief and only I get to be criticized. Sheesh people, I love D&D and I want to play things D&D.

When I bought the book back there in the 90s there was nothing saying it could lead people to create random characters more crazy than random encounters just because they want to test some random mechanic of the game, and not *GASP* play a character.
There was also no mention regarding mass awareness of a certain avian parody, and I feel like in that episode of Family Guy in eternal loop everytime I try to explain my motives.

DM says: Ok, you can take races like Tengu and others with avian features if you roll them correctly.
DM means: The option is there, doesn't mean you HAVE to take it. What are you? Kids in a candy store?
Players hear: I wanna bird, bird, bird! Bird is the word! Don't you know about the Bird?! Everybody knows that the bird's the word!
Player says: I wanna bird, bird, bird! Bird is the word!

*DM groans*


That's why we can't have nice things.

No offense, but your post sounded more like "I don't like my players taking any exotic races or classes" than her "I designed this really cool setting, but my players don't want to make characters that fit with the setting". The fact that they wanted to incorporate the BoEF is really bad, but that wasn't apparent in your first post.

Baveboi
2010-12-15, 12:48 PM
@Kaww: That sounds marvellous, man! I wished I could do that, but I'm the youngest of most of my groups (people fare in between late 20s and early 40s) and I tend to be a joker. I think they just don't me serious enough.
If I pull something like that they only start with the Rantosaurus and/or get pissy, leaving the game with a number of excuses...

@Tael: I apologize, english is not my first language and I am renowmed for misscomunication. :3 And hey, what's wrong with BoEF? There's some good things there, I just like to aply it with a bit of seriousness.
Reproduction and sex is part of life, not a side joke.


DM says: Ok, what character do you want to make?
DM means: What do you want from me?
Player hears: You know all those crazy anime/action movies/parodies? Think of the craziest and the most random of them all and roll it. YEAH!

Tael
2010-12-15, 12:50 PM
@Tael: I apologize, english is not my first language and I am renowmed for misscomunication. :3 And hey, what's wrong with BoEF? There's some good things there, I just like to aply it with a bit of seriousness.
Reproduction and sex is part of life, not a side joke.

Nothing is wrong with it per say, but I've personally never seen a single character be anything but ridiculous, stupid, or offensive when using content from BoEF. It seems that the all of the mature people I game with don't like it, but the immature ones do...

Kobold-Bard
2010-12-15, 12:58 PM
Nothing is wrong with it per say, but I've personally never seen a single character be anything but ridiculous, stupid, or offensive when using content from BoEF. It seems that the all of the mature people I game with don't like it, but the immature ones do...

Serious: The Voyeuristic Seer is a brilliant PrC for Diviners.

Less serious: That cantrip that removes hair makes a great threat against stuff like Minotaurs.

Serious again: Finally, a bunch of their spells can fall under the Spell Compendium's rule about adding to the Healer's spell list. And anything that helps the healer is all good.

Baveboi
2010-12-15, 01:08 PM
Serious: The Voyeuristic Seer is a brilliant PrC for Diviners.

Less serious: That cantrip that removes hair makes a great threat against stuff like Minotaurs.

Serious again: Finally, a bunch of their spells can fall under the Spell Compendium's rule about adding to the Healer's spell list. And anything that helps the healer is all good.

DITTO.
And don't forget the Metaphysical Spellshapper. Best 3levels class for Generic Wizard that there is.

Choco
2010-12-15, 01:28 PM
DM says: "Let me look up the rules real quick."
DM means: "I am not familiar with what you want to do or if the rules allow for, or even support, that so I have to spend a few minutes looking for something similar before I make my decision. I know if I do any less, and it does not end up in your favor, you will whine and argue with me all night."
Players hear: "Your punishment for trying to do something creative that is not explicitly stated in the rules is to sit there while I put the game on pause for 15 minutes instead of just making a quick command decision to keep the game flowing."

The Glyphstone
2010-12-15, 02:00 PM
DITTO.
And don't forget the Metaphysical Spellshapper. Best 3levels class for Generic Wizard that there is.

The Metaphysical Cheeseshaper should never be allowed under any circumstances...it's as bad as Incantatrix or Dweomerkeeper, or potentially worse. And it's got nothing to do with the rest of the book at all.

Baveboi
2010-12-15, 04:17 PM
The Metaphysical Cheeseshaper should never be allowed under any circumstances...it's as bad as Incantatrix or Dweomerkeeper, or potentially worse.

To have a mod contradict my taste in Generic Classes is such an honor. :smallbiggrin:
I find that MSs has his goods and bads, just like Incantatrix. If you want to make a generalist wizard with no thematics whatsoever, just plain wizard, you have very few classes at your disposition that do not require you to take certain paths. MSs is one, Archmage is another (even if a bit restricted).
Cheese aside, I don't see the harm in MSs if you take the class because you want your character to be a MSs, and all that that's implying.


And it's got nothing to do with the rest of the book at all.

I keep having the impression that people believe the BoEF is some kind of game pr0n.



On Topic:

DM says: Okay, roll your attack.
DM means: Nothing more, nothing less.
Player hears: Look on your sheet for minutes after something else to do, some crazy skill or ability. But if you don't find please do tell me how your level 1 character is completely able to shot 4 arrows in one attack or how you wish to tumble your way past 13 enemies, 3 dificult terrains and finish your two movement actions with a full attack round because you think it's reasonable. And you don't have to prepare notes on your abilities and modifiers beforehand, it's only for nubs. Actually, we have nothing else to do besides waiting for you.

The Glyphstone
2010-12-15, 04:27 PM
I keep having the impression that people believe the BoEF is some kind of game pr0n.


Hey, I love the book, don't get me wrong, if only for its description of the Love Life Of An Ooze. But everything in the book is either fluff or mechanics-linked to erotic/love/sex-based material...except for the MSs. It's almost like they had a checklist of all the markets/focus groups they wanted the book to appeal to, and forgot 'horrible munchkins' until the very end, haphazardly slapping it in to compensate.


On Topic:

DM Says: The bartender smiles placidly, chattering aimlessly about his peaceful life and the total absence of any dangers or monsters in the local area.
DM Means: No, there aren't any plot hooks here. This is a disposable town I whipped up for you to sell your loot from that dungeon before moving on with the story.
Players Hear: Our Gather Information checks weren't high enough. Take 20 this time, and stack circumstance bonuses!

Gamer Girl
2010-12-15, 05:43 PM
Group saysLets do a Japanese setting, it would be interesting and different and we would love the flavor.

DM Says: Ok, lets play in this new Japanese setting I've created and give it a test run!

DM Means: Ok, I've just spent months designing 5 new classes, more than a dozen new races, and pored over tons of history to ensure the 100 or so weapons, new armors, locations, and religions are mostly historically accurate. Please have a look, read a little of what I wrote, and come up with something flavorful, preferably to help me playtest some of this new stuff.

Players Think:What? Why are there no psionics in the setting? why does this setting not use vow of poverty? Why is all magic based on elements? Why don't fighters get ki? Why did you modify the ninja class? Why can't I be a western outsider race?

Lord.Sorasen
2010-12-15, 05:48 PM
DM says: You want to set what on fire?

DM means: Setting the courtier blocking your entrance to the throne room on fire will not get you inside, or at least it won't get you inside in the way you want to get in.

Players Hear: FIRE!

I admit I am part of the problem. In my first DnD game (2nd edition) I was a rogue or thief or whatever it was called at that point (I was very young), and my mission was sneaking into someone's house to steal something. I successfully stole it but when I got down the stairs he was in the living room! I needed a way to sneak out.

So naturally I decided that he would have a hard time fighting me.. If his house was on fire. So I took his couch and threw it in a fireplace. He saw me, attacked me, and the fireplace did was fireplaces do and stopped anything else from igniting.

By chance, he rolled terribly and I rolled great, so as punishment for roleplaying terribly I earned a massive amount of exp for killing someone much stronger than me and got to take the rest of his stuff.

Soylent Dave
2010-12-15, 06:04 PM
You kidding me? I'm pretty sure that players confusing their DM with way out there plans is what being a player is all about.

I like to think of my players as naive innocents, who certainly wouldn't do that sort of thing to deliberately confuse me. Every session.

Which brings me to :

GM says : Any ideas for which way your characters are going to head next session?
GM means : Please give me some idea of which plot hook you're going to bite (or if you're going to ignore them all and do something entirely different) so I can do things like 'draw a map' and 'figure out which NPCs will be involved' ahead of time, and you'll have a lot more detail in the session*
Players hear : Dave wants to know all our secret plans so he can come up with an elaborate scheme to foil them in time for next session.

*I could prepare lots of different possible sessions ahead of time, and have a variety of maps available for all possible circumstances. But that's not going to happen, so it's either "I have a decent idea what the PCs want to do next session" or "I spend a few minutes drawing a map of somewhere I didn't expect them to go".

Gamer Girl
2010-12-15, 06:15 PM
GM says : Any ideas for which way your characters are going to head next session?

GM means : Please give me some idea of which plot hook you're going to bite (or if you're going to ignore them all and do something entirely different) so I can do things like 'draw a map' and 'figure out which NPCs will be involved' ahead of time, and you'll have a lot more detail in the session

Players hear : *The sound of crickets chirping*

Players say:We just want to kill, loot and repeat...again. But like different and more fun. Like with more loot. And um, stuff.

fireinakasha
2010-12-15, 06:41 PM
DM says: Let's roll an evil campaign this time.
DM means: There are many excellent RPing opportunities for evil characters. Principled dictators who rule with an iron fist because they must, sorcerers warped by the far realms, clerics with strong moral stances. Let's try for some really interesting, complex, and unique non-good PCs, with good motive for their choice of alignment!
Players hear: Make the most generic pyromaniacs, psycopaths, and sickos possible, and then murder everything.

piemaester
2010-12-15, 07:51 PM
DM Says: Lets play a Star Wars game taking place right after Episode 3. There will be a few restirictions based on the time, such as few force users and no ewoks.

DM Means: Please don't everybody play a dark jedi just to Force Lightning everything on two legs. And please, lets not have one of you guys running around like a retarded teddy bear pushing every button you see because you don't understand technology.

EVERY Player Hears/Shouts: SITH EWOK PARTY!!!!!!!

Beelzebub1111
2010-12-15, 07:58 PM
DM Says: :smallbiggrin:
DM Means: You guys are sooooooooooo about to get what you deserve for doing such stupid crap all the time.
Players Hear: Wow! I'm really impressed with what you did just now! Such teamwork, such brilliance. You are truly the best players I've had the pleasure of playing with.

Tyndmyr
2010-12-15, 08:09 PM
Nothing is wrong with it per say, but I've personally never seen a single character be anything but ridiculous, stupid, or offensive when using content from BoEF. It seems that the all of the mature people I game with don't like it, but the immature ones do...

BoEF has balanced things, mature things, and realistic things. Pick any one. If you're lucky.

Metaphyiscal spellshaper definitely fails to pass the balance test.

The Glyphstone
2010-12-15, 08:11 PM
BoEF has balanced things, mature things, and realistic things. Pick any one. If you're lucky.

Metaphyiscal spellshaper definitely fails to pass the balance test.

You can definitely get one, between Mature, Well-Written, and Balanced. If you're lucky, you get two. Never three. Realistic doesn't even get an honorable mention, but it shouldn't in D&D period.

This is kind of off-topic, though.

Jarrick
2010-12-15, 10:55 PM
@ Gamer Girl: Its like you know my group. :smalltongue:

(My group tends to have sleepovers (myself not included) at the house we play at the night before the game since some of us need to commute.)

DM Says: I want to start playing around noon tomorrow.
DM Means: I want you guys up, ready, and fed by the time noon rolls around so we can accomplish something before x person has to leave at 5 for [arbitrary thing].
Players Hear: Turn off your phones, I'll be by to wake you all up at noon so you can level up and divide your loot that you've been putting off since last session, then I'll wait while you all make food for yourselves one at a time.

:smallannoyed:

Baveboi
2010-12-15, 11:15 PM
DM Says: I want to start playing around noon tomorrow.
DM Means: I want you guys up, ready, and fed by the time noon rolls around so we can accomplish something before x person has to leave at 5 for [arbitrary thing].
Players Hear: Turn off your phones, I'll be by to wake you all up at noon so you can level up and divide your loot that you've been putting off since last session, then I'll wait while you all make food for yourselves one at a time.

:smallannoyed:

That's a handful. I once had an experience like that. Let's see if I can put it down... gonna be hard.

DM says: Everyone's gonna be up for tomorrow game around twelve. We lunch and then we play until six when [someone] have to leave.
DM means: Stop playing disgaea and go to sleep you bunch of babling baboons.
Player hears: Nothing at all.
Next day: Okay it's two o' clock now, but we can go really fast and- [Random player receives fonecall and leaves post haste].

Gamer Girl
2010-12-15, 11:24 PM
DM says: Let's roll an evil campaign this time.
DM means: There are many excellent RPing opportunities for evil characters. Principled dictators who rule with an iron fist because they must, sorcerers warped by the far realms, clerics with strong moral stances. Let's try for some really interesting, complex, and unique non-good PCs, with good motive for their choice of alignment!
Players hear: Cool! A campaign where we can do and get away with everything! With no consequences! As it's an evil game, that automatically says that the world must be Lawful Stupid. So for example, if we start slaughtering people in a city, the guard paladins will simply subdue us and lock us in a tool shed so we can escape easily. Oh and we would automatically be the evilest characters in the campaign world, as it would be no fair or fun if there were more evil characters in the game that would hurt, cheat or kill our characters.

Baveboi
2010-12-15, 11:28 PM
@Gamer Girl. I find delightful to show those the wrongdoing of their ways. A bit of Call of Cthulu-ish feeling can do exactly that.
I can even hear the Wisdom Drain dices rolling...

Winter_Wolf
2010-12-16, 12:16 AM
DM says: Let's roll an evil campaign this time.
DM means: There are many excellent RPing opportunities for evil characters. Principled dictators who rule with an iron fist because they must, sorcerers warped by the far realms, clerics with strong moral stances. Let's try for some really interesting, complex, and unique non-good PCs, with good motive for their choice of alignment!
Players hear: Make the most generic pyromaniacs, psycopaths, and sickos possible, and then murder everything.

"What the players hear" is *exactly* what I thought when I read "what the DM says". I would never have even considered "What the DM means" in my thought process. :smalltongue:

Clearly, some things can't be left unsaid.

fireinakasha
2010-12-16, 12:27 AM
"What the players hear" is *exactly* what I thought when I read "what the DM says". I would never have even considered "What the DM means" in my thought process. :smalltongue:

Clearly, some things can't be left unsaid.

I think a lot of people forget that "evil" doesn't neccessarily mean "cruel serial killer." One time I made a chaotic evil cleric who was of his alignment for truly good reasons - he figured out very long ago that without evil to battle, the forces of good are unlikely to rise up and help those that need them, and so to combat civilization's slide into mediocrity he very carefully and meticulously crafted evil situations that would produce NPC heroes to save the world. It was his ultimate goal in life to die at the hands of a paladin's oath of revenge against him. The DM had no idea what to do with me, because obviously he had never read the Watchmen :smalltongue:

Just_Ice
2010-12-16, 12:28 AM
This thread is great.
First and third are me DMing (probably a bit obvious), second I was a player with a triggerhappy chaotic stupid ranger to babysit.

DM Says: The policemen look on in abject horror as your gigantic metal frame stands above them. They quickly pull out their side arms and fire, their bullets helplessly ricochetting off of your sloped armour. They stand in the shadow before you, paralyzed. Remembering that you've been installed with the three laws, what do you do?
DM Means: Yeah, I told you to be careful and you went and said hello to the nice policemen. I've let worse go before and you're supposed to be be heroic and you're currently working indirectly for the police force right now. Get out of there, quick, violence could get messy, particularily for the rest of the party.
Player Hears: Better kill 'em.

DM Says: A Halfling-
DM Means: Here's a new NPC that will basically be a skill challenge.
Player hears: ShootImmediatelyOrItWillBecomeAnEvilGod

DM Says: Yeah, guys, this is a puzzle. There's a broken mechanism for the cart thing. You've definitely got some stuff that can solve it, and I am willing to accept other solutions.
DM Means: Come on! I just gave you four different artifacts three hours ago! The only one you tested was the flute that makes you heavy and that was on a flimsy bridge! This isn't pixelbitching, at least try the stuff in your inventory! I'll KILL ALL OF YOU!
Player Hears: I have a really high int score, I'll keep asking if I can just use that.

Tiscooler
2010-12-16, 12:49 AM
DM Says: You enter the forest, and through the pine trees, you can see a clearing where the goblin camp and hostages are. Through the cover of the night, you can see the small camp of wooden shacks. The hostages are likely in one of the shacks. The camp is extremely heavily guarded, rushing is not advised.

DM Means: This is a stealth mission, keep a low profile, and try to sneak the hostages out.

Players Hear: Its all made of wood! Lets burn down the forest!

This is a true story. It ended terribly, the rogue slit the hostages throats when they accidentally attacked him in the chaos escaping, the wizard killed himself after triple ones attempting to burn down the forest, and the onslaught took down the lone warrior. TPK.

Choco
2010-12-16, 10:38 AM
I think a lot of people forget that "evil" doesn't neccessarily mean "cruel serial killer."

Just like how a lot of people forget that "chaotic" doesn't necessarily mean "insufferable moron". For example:

DM says: "Wait, so you insult and spit in the face of the leader of the evil army, who has the whole group captured but has been gracious enough to NOT torture you all to death?"
DM means: "I should have TPK'd the lot of you in the first place, instead I totally broke character for this guy so you can be captured and have a chance to escape or negotiate your way out of this situation, which was originally caused by your own stupidity, and you want to throw it all away?"
Stupid player hears: "Wow, I am in total awe of your ballsy-ness!"
Stupid player says: "HELL YEAH! I'm chaotic!"
Other players hear: "You guys better disown Stupid Player right now before Evil Leader decides to punish ALL of you."

Oracle_Hunter
2010-12-16, 11:08 AM
DM Says: A shady individual approaches you. "I heard you're going after the goblin bounty. Instead of getting 1 SP per right ear of a dead goblin, you could capture them alive and bring them to me. I have a buyer who would be willing to take live goblins for 5 SP apiece - 1 GP if they're women of child-bearing age or children."

DM Means: Here's a little moral quandry thrown in with a plot hook. Who would be collecting goblin slaves? And for what purpose?

Players Hear: Side Quest!

Players Say: Would it be OK if the goblin prisoners are missing ears?

Aftermath
After working out an arrangement with the slaver, I asked each Player why the heck their characters were participating in the slave trade. To their credit, not a one of them said "goblins are Evil so it's OK to enslave them;" to their shame the one who brought up the "getting paid twice" scheme was playing a Chaotic Good character! :smalleek:

Gamer Girl
2010-12-16, 05:00 PM
DM says:I've created a detailed campaign world full of unique NPCs
DM means: I've made a classic 'five sentience' person out of every NPC. Every NPC is a Character. Each MPC has hopes and dreams and goals and secrets. All the NPC's link together to make a real fantasy world. Some NPC's have useful information for the characters and some have reasons to be helpful. The character's can have hours of role-playing enjoyment exploring this world.
Player hears:The world is full of cardboard cut out useless NPC that are just there to get in the way of the fun roll playing. At worst NPCs should be ignored and at best they should just be killed for the tiny amount of XP they are worth. Talking to a not real NPC is a waste of time, when we could be killing and getting loot.

Tyndmyr
2010-12-16, 06:11 PM
DM says: I've made a classic 'five sentience' person out of every NPC.

Player thinks: Oh dear god, they all have multiple personalities.
Player does: Kill them preemptively.

Dire_E_Coyote
2010-12-16, 07:42 PM
I love this thread.

But the players aren't always wrong in what they hear.

DM says: You enter a large room with a dozen columns, three large statues, faded paintings on the wall, a large carved granite table at the far end, 4 small doors on the sides....

DM means: I know I don't usually give this much description for a room, but please miss the bit about the statues and think about everything else, so maybe for once I can catch you by surprise.

Players hear: Those statues are so going to attack us.

Beelzebub1111
2010-12-16, 07:50 PM
I love this thread.

But the players aren't always wrong in what they hear.

DM says: You enter a large room with a dozen columns, three large statues, faded paintings on the wall, a large carved granite table at the far end, 4 small doors on the sides....

DM means: I know I don't usually give this much description for a room, but please miss the bit about the statues and think about everything else, so maybe for once I can catch you by surprise.

Players hear: Those statues are so going to attack us.

Maybe they would be surprised if statues ever DIDN'T come to life.

Kylarra
2010-12-16, 07:54 PM
Maybe they would be surprised if statues ever DIDN'T come to life.I had a trap once that was triggered upon the destruction of statues. :smallamused:

Iceforge
2010-12-16, 07:59 PM
I love this thread.

But the players aren't always wrong in what they hear.

DM says: You enter a large room with a dozen columns, three large statues, faded paintings on the wall, a large carved granite table at the far end, 4 small doors on the sides....

DM means: I know I don't usually give this much description for a room, but please miss the bit about the statues and think about everything else, so maybe for once I can catch you by surprise.

Players hear: Those statues are so going to attack us.

Am I the only DM with the habit of placing statues in the room with the animated object, say the animated large carved granite table?

Always fun when the players focus all inspection or even attacks on regular statues, while the animated table sneaks into position to attack the players who all have their backs turned to it

Mercenary Pen
2010-12-16, 08:11 PM
DM says: You enter a large room with a dozen columns, three large statues, faded paintings on the wall, a large carved granite table at the far end, 4 small doors on the sides....

DM means: I can definitely catch you by surprise here, because either you ignore the statues and they turn out to constructs, or you focus on the statues and I have ghosts attack you out of the walls, it's just that the latter requires me to reference the monster manual for a moment...

Players hear: Those statues are so going to attack us.

Changed for a more prepared and/or evil DM.

The Glyphstone
2010-12-16, 08:15 PM
DM says: You enter a large room with a dozen columns, three large statues, faded paintings on the wall, a large carved granite table at the far end, 4 small doors on the sides....

DM means: I can definitely catch you by surprise here, because the statues are golems, the paintings and table are animated objects, the doors are rigged to explode, the columns are actually Caryatid Columns, and there's a Trapper on the ceiling...you'll never expect all of that.

Players hear: Those statues are so going to attack us.

Changed for a really evil DM.

kyoryu
2010-12-16, 08:19 PM
I love this thread.

But the players aren't always wrong in what they hear.

DM says: You enter a large room with a dozen columns, three large statues, faded paintings on the wall, a large carved granite table at the far end, 4 small doors on the sides....

DM means: I know I don't usually give this much description for a room, but please miss the bit about the statues and think about everything else, so maybe for once I can catch you by surprise.

Players hear: Those statues are so going to attack us.

Yay for information theory!

TinselCat
2010-12-16, 08:22 PM
DM says: You see six kobolds in the tunnel ahead of you.
DM thinks: Some nice easy combat for you level 2 characters, have fun.
Player thinks: This must be some kind of trap. I must find a way out without fighting!
Player says: Well, I speak Draconic, so I throw my voice behind them and yell "Help me, the adventurers are coming!" so they'll run away to help their buddies.

Needless to say, the DM didn't let me do that.

Later that day...

DM says: No, kobolds are intelligent, sentient beings, not animals.
DM means: No, you can't make it your pet. What kind of warped idea is that? And your alignment is sliding very quickly from chaotic neutral to chaotic evil, so watch yourself.
Player Hears: Alright, try a diplomacy check instead.

This one wasn't me, but I was sitting next to him at the time.

FoE
2010-12-16, 08:42 PM
DM says: No, after hours of searching, you don't find any whorehouses in this town. There doesn't seem to be any.
DM means: For the love of the Maker, stop asking about prostitutes. I'm not roleplaying this for you.
Player Hears: Try asking for directions to the nearest brothel.


I had a trap once that was triggered upon the destruction of statues. :smallamused:

That is SO hot. :smalltongue:

Frozen_Feet
2010-12-16, 09:00 PM
DM says: The room is empty.
DM means: The room is empty.
Players hear: There's vast and hidden treasure you just haven't found... yet.

DM says: There's nothing in the room save for moss and some clear liquid trickling down the wall.
DM means: The room is empty.
Players hear: The ceiling is going to collapse any moment now.

DM says: The center of the room is empty, but the walls are covered with strange reliefs and you hear rush of water in the distance.
DM means: The room is empty.
Players hear: Lost souls are going to attack! Close the door now!

DM says: There are some bones on the floor, but it's impossible to say who they belonged to.
DM means: The room is empty.
Players hear: Undead sneak attack!

DM says: The body has a tattered note that reads "beware green".
DM means: I haven't read the module beforehand, so I have no idea what that means. The room might as well be empty.
Players hear: If it's green, it's going to kill you. No expections.

DM says: The room seems empty...
DM means: ... by which I mean you haven't found half the stuff there.
Players hear: The room is empty.

LazyLosLobos
2010-12-16, 09:13 PM
DM Says: No more impromptu weapon crafting.
DM Means: Tie one more thing to a stick and I'll smite you.
Player Hears: Those things aren't doing anything. Use bigger rocks.

DM Says: Stop poking it. It's dead.
DM Means: I'm not wasting 40 additional minutes while you guys poke a corpse.
Player Hears: There's nothing worth taking on it. Try another one.

Choco
2010-12-23, 09:37 AM
I am still laughing about this recent one.

After about the 6th roll, and I'm still laughing on and off even as I say this:
DM says: "No, still no signs that this poison or any of the previous ones are working. She seems to have an unusually powerful immune system for one who rarely, if ever, physically exerts herself."
DM means: "I don't know why they specifically picked her out of all the nobles to try to poison, but they happened to pick the ONE hidden undead. Of course I have to pretend to roll fort saves cause I don't want them metagaming, but I'll keep dropping clues that something is 'different' about her."
Half the players hear: "HAHA, she rolled another 20! You should keep spending your money on more poisons, cause this good luck streak can't last forever."
Rest of the players hear: "You can't penetrate her plot armor, so quit trying and get back on the rails."

WarKitty
2010-12-23, 09:44 AM
DM says: At the bottom of the hallway you find an anvil. Nothing else.
DM means: The only reason that hallway even exists is because I forgot to finish a line! There's no treasure, quit trying.
Players hear: Keep digging

We eventually got graced with the new magical item "anvil of immovability." Which we of course couldn't carry with us because it was immovable.

Morithias
2010-12-23, 10:48 AM
DM Says: You reach the end of a long twisted hallway in the villain's lair. You find nothing there with your search checks.
Players Hear: Much hidden treasure, keep looking, no one would dig out 200 feet of hallway for no reason.
DM Means: Keep searching, the more time you waste here, the more time the big bad has to prep his forces to ambush you as soon as you go back.