What to do, what to do...

[Perenelle]

I was going to put this in the relationship thread, but I didn't think it would really fit since its concerning my dad.

Anyway, I’m going to spoiler this because its long (no, seriously. Its really long) and kinda confusing, and I need to go over a lot of background. I apologize in advance for any grammar issues, a lot of it is pretty scatter brained due to the fact that I don't know very many details about the situation.

One day, my mom decided to be irresponsible. I think she was 19ish, and was dating this guy named.. Brian. (we’ll just call him that). My mom got pregnant with me and Brian wasn’t very happy about that. Brian didn’t go to college and didn’t really have a job at all, and was known to run off was his friends and leave my mom alone. He also had some pretty bad anger issues. But anyway, moving on, eventually I was born. Brian decided that he’d rather be out with his friends/ disappear than be with my mom when she was giving birth, so my grandparents on my mom’s side were there. For some reason my mom wasn’t fazed by this, and felt that she could change him from the start. I went home from the hospital with my grandparents because they didn’t want me in a bad environment with my mom and dad fighting.
When I was two, Brian and my mom got married. I still don’t understand why that happened, but my mom was convinced that he was good guy deep down and just had issues showing it or something. My grandparents didn’t like Brian very much, but paid for a big fancy wedding and everything anyway. After they were married, the three of us moved down to North Carolina. I barely remember living with my mom, I was only two or three. But I remember we lived in a brick apartment and it was really dark there at night. That isn’t really important, but I’m just describing as much as I can. I remember being with my mom, but I don’t think my dad was ever really there. I remember them getting in really bad arguments pretty often, and my mom would lock me in my room in attempt to get me away from it I guess. My grandparents still lived up north, and I remember calling my grandma crying and begging them to bring me back to live with them. Eventually I succeeded, and my mom sent me up to live with my grandparents while she attempted to sort things out with my dad.
Their marriage lasted less than a year. My grandparents spent so much money on a really big wedding for nothing.
When I went to live with my grandparents told my mom that they didn’t want me to be ping ponged back and forth. They said that they wanted me to be living in a stable household, and so if my mom had me live with them, I would stay there. My mom agreed, and my grandparents got custody.
What happened after that I’m still not entirely sure about. I know basics here and there, but Its hard to really say what came after what and where events happened. So the next bit is going to be pretty scatterbrained, just warning you now.

After my grandparents got custody of me we moved to Virginia. My mom divorced my dad and came to live with us. That’s really the only good memories of my mom being normal I have. She was a nurse and was gone for most of the day from what I remember, so my grandma was really the one who took care of me. Eventually my mom moved into an apartment in the same neighborhood as my grandparents.
My mom and grandparents tried their best to get my dad to visit me, and so on occasion I would go over to my mom’s apartment and my dad would come visit. I really don’t remember much about them at all, and everything I do remember is fuzzy. A lot of what happened I still remember stuck behind my little innocent “everything is okay with my parent’s” eyes. I remember my dad never looked thrilled about seeing me. But he would always smile and be friendly, I think. He bought me a really elaborate hand made wooden doll house. I don’t know what happened to it, I haven’t seen it in years, but after googling it I know it was pretty expensive. My dad would disappear and then come back on occasion, so I didn’t exactly see him regularly. Behind the scenes my grandparents were having a lot of issues with him.

Fast forward a bit and my dad gets remarried to some lady with bright red hair (that’s really the only think I remember about her) named Heather (again, we’ll just call her that). My dad really didn’t want anything to do with me at that point. But for some reason Heather felt that it was necessary that my dad be in his father’s life (even though I didn’t want him to be because my that time I was old enough to see how he used people and was a jerk). So anyway, a bunch of stuff happened that eventually led up to my dad and his new wife taking my grandparents to court in attempt to get custody/visitation/whatever. Conveniently the judge we had was against grandparent’s raising their grandchildren no matter what mental/financial state their parents were in. So that just made everything more difficult -.- somehow this crazy court battle went on for about 7 years. Along the way my dad said that I was insane, psycho, and needed help. He also said I would never graduate high school and I’d never be successful. Because of this, the judge sent me to four psychologists (despite the fact that I was above average in school and got letters from my teachers saying that I was a remarkable student and all) who treated me like I was stupid. Finally the fourth psychologist wasn’t an idiot and wrote a letter to the judge saying that I was perfectly sane and wanted nothing to do with my father. That was basically the turning point in the case, and it eventually led up to my grandparents winning custody and visitation with my dad denied.
Along the way through the case, a lot of things happened. One being my grandparents somehow being stuck paying for all of my dad’s court any lawyer fees because he said he was bankrupt. Another being my dad threatening to come after my grandparents and burn our house down or something. Whatever the other things were, they basically proved that my dad was pretty crazy and his wife wasn’t exactly a wonderful woman either.

Things were okay after that, I suppose. But it was still 8 or so years of my childhood filled with issues with my dad. My dad had to send me letters every couple months or so, and call me on holidays. I ignored all the letters, ripped up all the pictures, and threw them out. Whenever he called I would hang up on him. I told him I didn’t want to hear from him and that I hated him, which was completely, 100%, true. He also hasn't been paying child support for years.

Things started slowing down by the time I was 13 or so. He called on occasion, and since I was older, I would yell at him on the phone for hours and he would continuously blame my grandparents for everything. I wouldn’t consider them conversations, they were more like screaming and cursing matches. I still got letters, and I did my usual of throwing them out.

5 months or so the letters stopped. I was happy because I thought he had finally gotten the hint that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him and his family. I forgot about it for a while. But a couple days ago I got a Christmas card for him with $40. He still did his usual “Merry Christmas, blah blah, I love and miss you Perry” deal. But for some reason I started thinking about it differently. I turn 16 in three months, and he’s still sent me letters and pictures and stuff for years.. half the time it looked like his wife was writing the letters (the handwriting changed) but I still got them. And I haven’t talked to him since I was 5. I barely remember what he looks like. And honestly I’m just really… curious. What if my grandma had exaggerated everything she told me about him? She does that with a lot with other things. My grandpa (who has a lot more control and is a lot more realistic than my grandmother) has never really said much about my dad. I kind of want to respond to one of his letters (or his Christmas card, in this case) just to see what happens. I mentioned it to my grandma and she flipped out, reinforcing stuff about how it wouldn’t be worth it because he’s an idiot and screwed everyone over etc etc. She also said that if I started responding to him while I’m still under 18 he could bring us back to court and attempt to get visitation. Even if he is a nice guy (unlikely) I don’t want to see him on a regular basis. It’d be such a burden to leave my family and visit him on random holidays, plus I would be incredibly uncomfortable doing that. I highly doubt me responding to his letters would make him bring us back to court anyway, but I don’t want to risk that at all. Its not like I’ve had a huge epiphany and want to scout out my father or something. I’m just…. Curious. And that’s it.

So… that’s about it. Sorry for the huge wall of text. A lot of it was just nice to finally type out. :smallsigh:
Going to my grandparents isn’t exactly an option, and I don’t know anyone else that would be able to give me decent advice. The Playground, despite it being on the internet, is probably the only place I know of to go to for advice about this. I hope this doesn't violate any rules. Please keep in mind that i'm not looking for any form of legal advice, this is just about my dad.

Should I send him a letter? Should I wait until I’m 18 to make sure nothing bad happens? Can something bad happen? And if I do send him a letter, what would I put in it after 12 years of not really talking to him? If he really didn't care would he have sent me that many letters despite me ignoring him? I really have no idea what to do...

[Haruki-kun]

:smallfrown:

I'm sorry if it's not what you wanted to hear, but I don't think you should send him the letter. MAYBE have your grandparents do so, but I'm not sure if that would help at all. *hugs*

But don't take my advice as an absolute. Let's see what other people have to say.

[thorgrim29]

Sometimes people grow up, sometimes they don't. Only way you'll know if your dad grew up is if you have some contact with him. But if he didn't (pretty likely if half of what you wrote is cold hard non biased fact) then it'll be painful for you. Basically, whatever you do you have a risk, it's up to you to decide what risk is bigger between having contact with him and it ending with more drama, of you not making contact and missing out on knowing your dad (you could make a list of pros and cons, seriously that can work).

[Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll]

Here's an idea: come up with a couple of possible scenarios if you did write to him. What's the worst scenario? The best scenario? How likely do you think each scenario is?

Also:

*Hugs, Perry. Hugs*

[Gorgondantess]

Me, personally, I try to look at family as just people, and forget about biology. It doesn't matter. What matters are the people who have been there for you, and have been good to you. And yelling and cursing and screaming is no way to treat a child. And if the only reason he started talking to you at all is at some woman's urging...

Just try looking at things objectively. The people you know and love are telling you this guy's terrible. Terrible people can treat others nicely if they want something out of it, especially if it only involves, say, sending a letter and a little money once in a while. Go ahead and talk to him... but be on your guard. Good ways to gauge his true side: don't pay attention to how he treats you, pay attention to how he treats everyone else. That'll tell you whether he's a jerk. And check out his emotions- if he's telling a sob story and it isn't going his way and he suddenly swings to anger, or he seems wrapped up in something really emotional then answers the phone and completely changes his attitude- or really, anywhere where he completely changes his attitude depending on what works at the time- he's definitely manipulative.
That'd require a lot of time with him, but you'll never learn about the guy if you just write a few letters or send out a few phone calls or even just have lunch with him once a year.

In the end, though, something to consider is that your grandparents are your guardians, and have done a lot for you over the years, and apparently have given this guy a chance. They're saying he's terrible... regardless of what he really is, you might want to just keep contact cut off just for that.

[snoopy13a]

I think that your father's wife is the driving force behind the letters. I think she wants her husband to do right by you.

Maybe you should talk to your grandfather?

[Perenelle]

:smallfrown:

I'm sorry if it's not what you wanted to hear, but I don't think you should send him the letter. MAYBE have your grandparents do so, but I'm not sure if that would help at all. *hugs*

But don't take my advice as an absolute. Let's see what other people have to say.

*hugs back* I highly doubt my grandparents would send him a letter...


Sometimes people grow up, sometimes they don't. Only way you'll know if your dad grew up is if you have some contact with him. But if he didn't (pretty likely if half of what you wrote is cold hard non biased fact) then it'll be painful for you. Basically, whatever you do you have a risk, it's up to you to decide what risk is bigger between having contact with him and it ending with more drama, of you not making contact and missing out on knowing your dad (you could make a list of pros and cons, seriously that can work).

I'm kind of leaning towards not writing to him because I don't want anymore drama to come up. I really don't have time for it, nor do I want a repeat of what happened in the past.



Here's an idea: come up with a couple of possible scenarios if you did write to him. What's the worst scenario? The best scenario? How likely do you think each scenario is?

Also:

*Hugs, Perry. Hugs*

I think that's a good idea...
worst scenario would be we dive back into court. But I honestly have no clue how likely that is, so i'm not sure how much that helps. Thats what i'm really afraid of.
Best scenario would be I have a wonderfully amazing father who loves me and didn't treat me terribly or anything... but if that were true that would mean my grandma lied to me. so i'm still not sure if that's a great idea.
Maybe the best scenario would be my dad changed?

*hugs back* thanks Gwyn.


*snip*
In the end, though, something to consider is that your grandparents are your guardians, and have done a lot for you over the years, and apparently have given this guy a chance. They're saying he's terrible... regardless of what he really is, you might want to just keep contact cut off just for that.

You make a really good point... I may just be better off continuing what I've been doing for years. I'm not much of a risk taker anyway, but... :smallsigh:
I hate that i'm curious about it all of a sudden.


I think that your father's wife is the driving force behind the letters. I think she wants her husband to do right by you.

Maybe you should talk to your grandfather?

That's what my grandma thinks.

I think I might...maybe he could help a little... even though he never really talked about my dad much before.

[Ytaker]

I was going to put this in the relationship thread, but I didn't think it would really fit since its concerning my dad.

Yeah, people would think you strange if you put a post about your dad in the relationship thread.


One day, my mom decided to be irresponsible. I think she was 19ish, and was dating this guy named.. Brian. (we’ll just call him that). My mom got pregnant with me

Hey you. Well done being born.


and Brian wasn’t very happy about that. Brian didn’t go to college and didn’t really have a job at all, and was known to run off was his friends and leave my mom alone. He also had some pretty bad anger issues.

So, what, he was a bad boy? Dysfunctional but fun and exciting?


But anyway, moving on, eventually I was born. Brian decided that he’d rather be out with his friends/ disappear than be with my mom when she was giving birth,

That's unloving.


so my grandparents on my mom’s side were there. For some reason my mom wasn’t fazed by this, and felt that she could change him from the start.

You can't change a person unless they want to be changed.


I went home from the hospital with my grandparents because they didn’t want me in a bad environment with my mom and dad fighting.

Yeah, sounds pretty destructive.


When I was two, Brian and my mom got married. I still don’t understand why that happened, but my mom was convinced that he was good guy deep down and just had issues showing it or something.

She loved him deeply. Meant she assumed she could see his inner self. Plus it sounds like she saw him as her project. A lot of women try to change men in their life who they love into better people. It doesn't work because it's incredibly stressful being a different person, and guys generally resent people who tell them how to live their lives.


My grandparents didn’t like Brian very much, but paid for a big fancy wedding and everything anyway. After they were married, the three of us moved down to North Carolina.

Your grandparents are kind people.


I barely remember living with my mom, I was only two or three. But I remember we lived in a brick apartment and it was really dark there at night. That isn’t really important, but I’m just describing as much as I can.

Sounds like a fairly crappy place.


I remember being with my mom, but I don’t think my dad was ever really there. I remember them getting in really bad arguments pretty often, and my mom would lock me in my room in attempt to get me away from it I guess.

Sad for you that you were caught in the crossfire of a very dysfunctional relationship.


My grandparents still lived up north, and I remember calling my grandma crying and begging them to bring me back to live with them. Eventually I succeeded, and my mom sent me up to live with my grandparents while she attempted to sort things out with my dad.

Your grandparents sound like very nice people.


Their marriage lasted less than a year. My grandparents spent so much money on a really big wedding for nothing.

Predictable if you're not in love.


When I went to live with my grandparents told my mom that they didn’t want me to be ping ponged back and forth. They said that they wanted me to be living in a stable household, and so if my mom had me live with them, I would stay there. My mom agreed, and my grandparents got custody.

Pretty good for you. A stable house.


What happened after that I’m still not entirely sure about. I know basics here and there, but Its hard to really say what came after what and where events happened. So the next bit is going to be pretty scatterbrained, just warning you now.


You seem pretty clear. Clearer than I'd have predicted from how you view your writing.


After my grandparents got custody of me we moved to Virginia. My mom divorced my dad and came to live with us. That’s really the only good memories of my mom being normal I have. She was a nurse and was gone for most of the day from what I remember, so my grandma was really the one who took care of me. Eventually my mom moved into an apartment in the same neighborhood as my grandparents.

It's good you didn't lose contact with your mother. Mothers are important.


My mom and grandparents tried their best to get my dad to visit me, and so on occasion I would go over to my mom’s apartment and my dad would come visit. I really don’t remember much about them at all, and everything I do remember is fuzzy. A lot of what happened I still remember stuck behind my little innocent “everything is okay with my parent’s” eyes. I remember my dad never looked thrilled about seeing me. But he would always smile and be friendly, I think. He bought me a really elaborate hand made wooden doll house. I don’t know what happened to it, I haven’t seen it in years, but after googling it I know it was pretty expensive. My dad would disappear and then come back on occasion, so I didn’t exactly see him regularly. Behind the scenes my grandparents were having a lot of issues with him.

He clearly wasn't a very loving person.


Fast forward a bit and my dad gets remarried to some lady with bright red hair (that’s really the only think I remember about her) named Heather (again, we’ll just call her that). My dad really didn’t want anything to do with me at that point. But for some reason Heather felt that it was necessary that my dad be in his father’s life (even though I didn’t want him to be because my that time I was old enough to see how he used people and was a jerk).

Your dad likes dating women with views on what sorta guy he should be.


So anyway, a bunch of stuff happened that eventually led up to my dad and his new wife taking my grandparents to court in attempt to get custody/visitation/whatever. Conveniently the judge we had was against grandparent’s raising their grandchildren no matter what mental/financial state their parents were in. So that just made everything more difficult -.- somehow this crazy court battle went on for about 7 years.

If nothing else, clearly your dad's relationship with this woman was pretty good if it lasted 7 years.


Along the way my dad said that I was insane, psycho, and needed help. He also said I would never graduate high school and I’d never be successful.

That is horrible and unloving. He didn't even know you well enough to say that.


Because of this, the judge sent me to four psychologists (despite the fact that I was above average in school and got letters from my teachers saying that I was a remarkable student and all) who treated me like I was stupid. Finally the fourth psychologist wasn’t an idiot and wrote a letter to the judge saying that I was perfectly sane and wanted nothing to do with my father.

Good for you.


That was basically the turning point in the case, and it eventually led up to my grandparents winning custody and visitation with my dad denied.
Along the way through the case, a lot of things happened. One being my grandparents somehow being stuck paying for all of my dad’s court any lawyer fees because he said he was bankrupt.

He can't work hard but he can insult you.


Another being my dad threatening to come after my grandparents and burn our house down or something. Whatever the other things were, they basically proved that my dad was pretty crazy and his wife wasn’t exactly a wonderful woman either.

That's horribly sadistic.


Things were okay after that, I suppose. But it was still 8 or so years of my childhood filled with issues with my dad. My dad had to send me letters every couple months or so, and call me on holidays. I ignored all the letters, ripped up all the pictures, and threw them out. Whenever he called I would hang up on him. I told him I didn’t want to hear from him and that I hated him, which was completely, 100%, true. He also hasn't been paying child support for years.

He clearly sorta feels like he should be in contact with you.


Things started slowing down by the time I was 13 or so. He called on occasion, and since I was older, I would yell at him on the phone for hours and he would continuously blame my grandparents for everything. I wouldn’t consider them conversations, they were more like screaming and cursing matches. I still got letters, and I did my usual of throwing them out.

He doesn't accept any blame ever.


5 months or so the letters stopped. I was happy because I thought he had finally gotten the hint that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him and his family. I forgot about it for a while. But a couple days ago I got a Christmas card for him with $40. He still did his usual “Merry Christmas, blah blah, I love and miss you Perry” deal. But for some reason I started thinking about it differently. I turn 16 in three months, and he’s still sent me letters and pictures and stuff for years.. half the time it looked like his wife was writing the letters (the handwriting changed) but I still got them.

Has he not gotten children from his current wife? Could explain it.


And I haven’t talked to him since I was 5. I barely remember what he looks like. And honestly I’m just really… curious. What if my grandma had exaggerated everything she told me about him? She does that a lot with other things. My grandpa (who has a lot more control and is a lot more realistic than my grandmother) has never really said much about my dad. I kind of want to respond to one of his letters (or his Christmas card, in this case) just to see what happens.

He may be sadistic in the long run, but over the phone and in letters he'd probably be pretty stable.


I mentioned it to my grandma and she flipped out, reinforcing stuff about how it wouldn’t be worth it because he’s an idiot and screwed everyone over etc etc. She also said that if I started responding to him while I’m still under 18 he could bring us back to court and attempt to get visitation.

Ah yeah. That would be awkard.


Even if he is a nice guy (unlikely) I don’t want to see him on a regular basis. It’d be such a burden to leave my family and visit him on random holidays, plus I would be incredibly uncomfortable doing that. I highly doubt me responding to his letters would make him bring us back to court anyway, but I don’t want to risk that at all. Its not like I’ve had a huge epiphany and want to scout out my father or something. I’m just…. Curious. And that’s it.

It's worth checking out sometime. He may genuinely care about you, though he showed it in a horrible, horrible way. He may only be doing it for his wife. Determing which would be helpful.




So… that’s about it. Sorry for the huge wall of text. A lot of it was just nice to finally type out. :smallsigh:
Going to my grandparents isn’t exactly an option, and I don’t know anyone else that would be able to give me decent advice. The Playground, despite it being on the internet, is probably the only place I know of to go to for advice about this. I hope this doesn't violate any rules. Please keep in mind that i'm not looking for any form of legal advice, this is just about my dad.

We see all, we know all.


Should I send him a letter? Should I wait until I’m 18 to make sure nothing bad happens? Can something bad happen? And if I do send him a letter, what would I put in it after 12 years of not really talking to him? I really have no idea what to do...

Yes, one. To determine the reaction. And read the letters he sends, at least once.

Yeah. Talk about your life. Your curiosity. What you want career wise. Your friends.

[Icewalker]

You should talk to your grandfather. Just because he doesn't talk about your dad much doesn't mean he doesn't have an opinion, or a point of view. I mean, it's hard to judge without knowing somebody, but it sounds to me like he might have a less biased view on the some fiasco. He seems like the best one to go to for advice. Also, I definitely would suggest you don't have your grandparents send a letter: if he's blaming them for everything, he would just take it the wrong way.

My thoughts? Keep living. Curiosity is a fantastic thing, but it's not always the safest or the wisest thing to act on. Keep that feeling, but think things through. It sounds to me like you should just move on for now. Maybe try to contact him again in a few years. People can change. But just remember to tread carefully.

Be well. You seem like you have taken this whole mess of a life and done an incredible job to come out of it stable and together and growing towards successful. Be proud of yourself.

[Karoht]

Should I send him a letter? Should I wait until I’m 18 to make sure nothing bad happens? Can something bad happen? And if I do send him a letter, what would I put in it after 12 years of not really talking to him? If he really didn't care would he have sent me that many letters despite me ignoring him? I really have no idea what to do...


Wow, I went through a very similar issue. With my father and stepfather. Spoilered for length, and because we're discussing you, not me.

My dad lives in England, I live in Canada. He did not pay child support, I haven't seen him since I was 4 years old. He might come and visit here in Canada next year, hard to say. Not sure what I'm going to say to him.

My stepdad turned a blind eye to my mom physically and mentally abusing me. He also turned a blind eye when my younger brother got into drugs and crime. By blind eye, he literally was right there when my brother got drunk at age 14, right there when he got stoned for the first time, and I have reason to suspect that my stepdad supplied my brother with his first hit of heroin. My stepdad is returning to this part of the country some time this week. I'm supposed to go skiing with him and the rest of the family. I'm dreading every moment.

My bio-dad, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. He did phone from time to time, sent christmas cards, that sort of thing. But from my understanding he never paid any kind of support, and in fact my family gave him money to help him through some hard times. Do I hold this against him? Actually, to tell you the truth, it's been 24 years since I've seen my dad, I still don't know how I feel about the whole thing.

My stepdad, I loathe. My grandfather is the only thing preventing me from mangling that man. My grandfather I deeply respect. He had to ORDER me not to do anything when I found out that my brother had taken heroin. He ORDERED me not to fly to ontario to find him myself when he skipped the province, about the same time my brother entered rehab.

So, as for custody and visitation and such.
There is no harm in sending a letter to your dad after your birthday. There is potential harm for you and your mother if you do so before. This is just pragmatism speaking. Sending a letter to him could be completely harmless. Or it could drag you and your mother back into court. Or it could open the door for you personally to get hurt. Again, this is just pragmatism speaking, if you want a pragmatic approach. I highly advise you tread with caution, maybe even speak to a councilor or someone in social services before you try and contact him. Make sure you know what your rights are in all of this as well.


The emotional approach to all of this, is that there is potential for you to have a meaningful relationship with your father. Clearly, he wouldn't have sent letters for so long, or tried contacting you if he didn't care. The first question you need to answer here, before you contact him, is what are you looking for. Are you looking to resolve anything? Is there a hatchet to bury? Do you need closure on anything? Next question, does HE need closure on anything? Does he need some kind of resolution?
I say this, because if you are saying yes, or maybe, to any of those questions, there is potential for emotional harm. But there is also potential for emotional growth, closure, healing, etc. There is a potential for you to have a meaningful relationship with the man, if that is what you want. If it isn't what you want, and you just want closure, it's easy enough to obtain, but one of you will be hurt by this. If you just want something at arms length, it's also easy enough to obtain.

Lastly, I would highly advise sitting down and talking with your grandfather, as others have recommended, before you do anything.


Best of luck.

[thubby]

if you still care after your 18th, you'll know it's not just passing fancy, and more importantly he can't do anything.

[Mando Knight]

My gut reaction is to make like a fishy admiral. I would recommend not responding to him until you make absolutely certain he's not planning anything, or that if he is you have the means to take his plan out.

[alchemyprime]

My gut reaction is to make like a fishy admiral. I would recommend not responding to him until you make absolutely certain he's not planning anything, or that if he is you have the means to take his plan out.

I agree with Mando Knight here. I may simply be a paranoid kind of a guy, but I'd worry about this. Grandma's may exaggerate, but they don't do too much hyperbole. There may be some truth to this.

All I can say is good luck, Perry.

[Lycan 01]

From what you wrote and what you remember, he doesn't sound like the sort of guy to turn into a loving father overnight. If he were serious and sincere about wanting to patch things up, he'd have done more than send a simple gift card and a short letter that doesn't even say much. If somebody were truly trying to fix things, they'd probably write some long and heart-felt letter detailing their struggle and how badly they want to fix things.

Since that's clearly not the case, I'm going to go with the idea that either his wife is making him do it, or its just him trying to make himself feel better by "trying" to be a "good father" and "keeping in touch" with you.


At any rate, I would personally suggest you keep doing what you've been doing. Well, maybe don't tear up the letters and pictures. Read 'em and keep 'em, for future reference or something. But don't write back. He could possibly use it against you, or it could lead you down a rabbit hole you have no business exploring. Seriously, what if y'all got back in touch? Look at how he treated your mother, your grandparents, and even you. I mean really, he told the Courts you were insane and couldn't graduate? What a jerk! He sounds abusive and manipulative - not the sort of person you want to try and build any sort of relationship with.

Wait 'til you turn 18. And even then, be very careful. I honestly don't think you should have anything to do with him... :smallsigh:

[Tonal Architect]

Well, from a logical standpoint, what you should do is try to find legal advice. I'm not a lawyer, neither I'm familiar with US laws, so I'm afraid that you shoulds and you shouldn'ts are better off discussed with someone who really knows their way around the legal system. At least, that's what's to be done in order to avoid any other court-related situations. Ok, this might not be that easy, but maybe you could get a hold of a lawyer who's willing to help you from some sort of public system, or maybe even a private one would be willing to advice you. Not every lawyer is souless... Well, most of them are, but that's not the point.

Personally... This man has already cost your grandparents a hefty sum of money, from what you describe. I'd advice caution.

[Perenelle]

I'm really glad I posted this here, It's really made me think things through more.

I think I'll wait until I'm 18 before I do anything. Just to be on the safe side. If I'm 18 and still curious and willing to contact him, I'll go from there. As for getting legal advice, I'm not sure it'd be worth it to make a big deal about sending him a letter and potentially opening things up again. So I guess I'll just keep doing what I've been doing.

I think I'll start saving his letters and pictures though. Maybe I'll want to look at them one day.

[Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll]

Good to see you've come to a decision, Perry. :smallsmile:

[AtlanteanTroll]

So what happened to your mom? (You sort of just stopped mentioning her) I'd talk to her. And waiting till your 18 sounds smart.

[Perenelle]

So what happened to your mom? (You sort of just stopped mentioning her) I'd talk to her. And waiting till your 18 sounds smart.

Talking to my mom isn't really an option, she has her own set of issues. She has some weird incurable stomach disease thing (or so she says) and causes the family a lot of grief dealing with her. She's one of those people who feeds off of attention. She's in and out of the hospital a lot and it's gotten to the point where it doesn't even phase anyone anymore because there isn't anything wrong with her. :smallannoyed: A lot of her problems we believe to be more mental than physical.
And she always finds some excuse to skip out on coming to all my school related activities. I've been playing flute for five years now and I don't think she's come to any of my concerts, or really heard me play. What really bothers me is that she calls and tells me "yeah, i'm definitely going to come to your concert, Perry! When is it? :smallbiggrin: " and then calls five minutes before it starts and says she has a migraine or doesn't feel good or something. Thats the short summary... but my mom and I's relationship is far from spectacular..

[MountainKing]

Yeah, people would think you strange if you put a post about your dad in the relationship thread.

Actually, no, we really wouldn't. Familial or otherwise, it's still a relationship, and if memory serves, we've helped Perry out in the past. :smallwink: No worries whatsoever, to everyone, though. In the end, especially in situations like this, it's about asking for help where you're most comfortable.

So, for Perry (I know, I'm a little late, but still): *hugs, from us in the RWaA thread*. Second, waiting until you're 18 was going to be my suggestion, but it looks like that's the conclusion you've already chosen. However, I also don't think it would hurt to talk to your grandfather. He just might have some insight to offer on the situation.

[Anxe]

Perhaps a question you should ask yourself is:

What if your dad died without you having contacted him again?

A similar thing happened to me. I don't regret not contacting the person, but you might.

[Perenelle]

Actually, no, we really wouldn't. Familial or otherwise, it's still a relationship, and if memory serves, we've helped Perry out in the past. :smallwink: No worries whatsoever, to everyone, though. In the end, especially in situations like this, it's about asking for help where you're most comfortable.

So, for Perry (I know, I'm a little late, but still): *hugs, from us in the RWaA thread*. Second, waiting until you're 18 was going to be my suggestion, but it looks like that's the conclusion you've already chosen. However, I also don't think it would hurt to talk to your grandfather. He just might have some insight to offer on the situation.

That's what I was thinking, my dad and I still counts as a relationship, just not like most of the people use that thread for, so I figured I'd just make a separate thread. And yes, you guys did help me a lot in the past. :smallsmile:

*hugs back* Thanks. I think I might, but i'm kinda afraid to bring it up. I'm pretty close with my grandpa, but I just feel like it'd be an awkward conversation.


Perhaps a question you should ask yourself is:

What if your dad died without you having contacted him again?

A similar thing happened to me. I don't regret not contacting the person, but you might.

Well, I'd be kinda upset that I didn't get to talk to him. But I don't think it'd be worth it to start something again because of the fact that he could die the next day, which is probably unlikely.

I don't mean for this to sound cruel, but I wouldn't exactly be upset about him dying. I may take that as a relief in some way... if that makes sense. But I doubt i'd ever be close to him even if I sent him letters, so his death wouldn't directly affect my life.

[thorgrim29]

Is custody still an issue at your age? Over here once the child is over 14 he or she's considered responsible as far as civil law is concerned, so they get a bug say in custody battles.

[Perenelle]

Is custody still an issue at your age? Over here once the child is over 14 he or she's considered responsible as far as civil law is concerned, so they get a bug say in custody battles.

I'm not sure, but I highly doubt it's 14 over here. Maybe 16, but I really don't want to risk anything.

[Ohmyani]

I'm coming in a bit late, but I really don't think you should respond yourself. Get your grandparents to talk on behalf of you, at the very most. He really doesn't sound like someone you would want interact with, and although I can understand curiousity, it'd probably be best to not act on it.

Oh, and what about your mom?

[Perenelle]

I'm coming in a bit late, but I really don't think you should respond yourself. Get your grandparents to talk on behalf of you, at the very most. He really doesn't sound like someone you would want interact with, and although I can understand curiousity, it'd probably be best to not act on it.

Oh, and what about your mom?

I'm not going to bother my grandparents to send him anything, especially since my grandma hates him with a fiery passion.

If you scroll up a bit to where I replied to AtlanteanTroll, I explained there.

[Ohmyani]

I'm not going to bother my grandparents to send him anything, especially since my grandma hates him with a fiery passion.

If you scroll up a bit to where I replied to AtlanteanTroll, I explained there.

Ah, I see. I'm really sorry to hear that, it must be hard for you right now. :smallfrown:

[Perenelle]

Ah, I see. I'm really sorry to hear that, it must be hard for you right now. :smallfrown:

I'm pretty used to it, and luckily I have some pretty great stuff happening in my life right now, so it's not that bad. My mom has been like that for years.

[Sipex]

Also, I would advise on being wary if and when you talk to your father again.

I know nothing about him beyond what you've told me but it seems like he may have manipulative tendencies (possibly his wife too) and I don't know how bad they are but I know how bad the worst can get.

I've had a lot of experience with manipulative to the point of being defined as 'chaotic evil' crazy. The person in question will act all nice to your face to the point where someone not familiar with their lies will completely buy in to the charade.

In reality they'll talk about you behind your back ALL the time, never nice things either and more than just general 'whining' complaints. They'll mock you with people you care about (who usually go along with it only to shut said person up then report it to you after. It's a unique situation). They'll start rumours about you (several people I know have been rumoured to be pregnant/on drugs/etc and we all know where these started). They'll lie through their teeth (in this case, the person lied about a pedophile case to the point where the pedo got off free because there was so much doubt seeded in the judges mind. The arguement 'It's an elaborate ploy caused by the victims who have always hated the aggressor!' was this persons keystone).

In addition, they'll use any power they have to make life a living hell for you. This person in my life abused so much power and has caused so much heartache that relatives are waiting with baited breath for the day they can all disown this person once they lose their final scrap of power.

Your situation will probably not be this bad but I thought I'd give the arguement so you know how bad things can get. When this initially happened to me I was shocked, I thought people like this generally didn't actually exist.

[Amiel]

I'd like to thank Brian for someone incredibly special and important. He gave us and the world you, Perenelle :smallsmile:

Also, hugs!

[Cerlis]

One thing ( an Adult thing mind you in my opinion) When it comes to anything is finding out the facts.

For one, When my mom tried to get us to come live with her we where about 17-15-13 ish i think. My bro was the oldest but i think still not graduated) from what i understood it was our choice and from what little i understand your choice would only be subverted if people saw obvious signs you where being manipulated.

-However- The damage to you and your father's relationship has been done. its gone as far as it can without it coming to violence* Unless, god forbid, something happens to him soon you can always wait till your 18.

-in the meantime I think it would be very wise for you to have real serious, non heated conversations with your grandparents about it. Just sit them down and tell them you love them but your getting older now and if you are to take care of yourself as well as they have, then you need to know everything. I dont know how emotional it might get them. Maybe not at all. This could be a can of worms, hopefully not. If things seem troubling dont pressure them, let them get it out on their own.

-I do agree with the sentiment that blood isnt as large a factor people make it out to be. you dont choose your parents, you dont choose your family. However this isnt some guy who created you and left and you just found out where he lived after 16 years, willing or not* he has been a part of your life, and He may or may not deserve for you to treat him with dignity, but just as you deserve to know about your life from your grandparents, you owe it to yourself to look him in the eyes and see him for what he is, to eventually talk to him. Now, or 10 years from now.

*-One major thing i think is really important to consider as you go through this. My summarized opinion of your father based on your story was "Poor deadbeat got put through all this because your family thought he had more potential than he could ever have." Some people arent as good as others. Some people would never make a good father, or husband or whathaveyou. All people mature at different rates based on experience, biology and personality. your Grandparents did good to take care of you and it was sweet of them to try to accomidate their daughters heart into the equation even though it was risky.
But from the sounds of it, you never mentioned him Getting violent. He was pressured into marrying your mother because your mother wanted it. From day one it didnt look like he wanted to be a father. Even the trying to get custody of you could either have been his new wife putting thoughts into his head, or him finally taking charge, or her purposfully manipulating him (point is, we dont know for sure)
He screwed up and thank goodness a wonderful person came from that. But he may have never been meant to be a father (as in a father figure) the entire reason he is in your life might have been to create you, and then your mom wanted to keep him and your family stuck him in a position not right for him. I'm 24, not 19, I know if i suddenly became a father i'd definately do a ****ty job. Now imagine someone like me but without the want to become a father. you can understand how someone wouldnt be very commited. Hell he may have daddy issues as well.
My point is. your grandparents did right, you (i'm confident) turned out great. But just cus someone is not a good person doesnt automatically makes them a bad person. It was a very harry situation and thats why we try so hard make sure our kids have time to grow up before they are faced with adult issues. its not like you where concieved when your parents where in their 30s having months or years of dating before finally deciding to have a kid.

You are almost an legal adult yourself. Its not time for you to be one yet, but you are in training. This is your life, and you control it. Tread carefully. Protect yourself and your loved ones. But I think , in my opinion, you should continue to seek out your past, and do what you think is right.

p.s. (not sure if i did it well enough. but i emphasis that even if you do contact him and open a can of worms, you can still do it carefully and when your ready.)

Editted*