Roomate troubles

[shadow_archmagi]

My university gives us Martin Luther King day off. On sunday night, I was chatting with the awesome battalion.

Kiwi: OH GOD KIWI IS ON FIRE
Pastor: Schwimm little Schwimmwagon! Away from the fires!
Dinner: You guys it's getting really late I better log off
Me: Why? It's not like it is a school night
Dinner: Yes it is
Me: No it isn't, we have tommorow off. It's {Scrubbed} (Martin Luther King day)
Dinner: My school doesn't give us the day off. We get a day off for hunting, but not for tolerance and love.
Dave, my roommate, who is watching TV and skyping, looks over: Seriously? Dude, not cool.

I hadn't realized he was listening, and I don't say anything back. I figure that's the end of it. He's said that blatant blasphemy bothers him, and I'm not gonna do it anymore.

We don't talk again until Sunday night, when we have this exchange:

Me: (Thinking it's late, and I"d like to sleep because it actually is a school night) Hey how much longer are you going to be watching TV? (It's 11:20 at this point)
Dave: I dunno. Awhile.
Me: Could you switch it off at, say, midnight?
Dave: Uh.... (checks watch) Maybe. We'll see.
---
At about 12: 40, he's stopped watching TV, but he's started Skyping again.
---
Me: Hey, could you keep it down a bit? I'm gonna go to bed.
Dave: OK, I'm just gonna be doing this.
Me: K
Dave: Oh, and if I ever hear you say something like what you said yesterday, I'll kick your censored and I don't care if I get thrown out of school.
Me: K.


I havn't talked to him since then. What should I do? I'm really not comfortable sharing a dorm room with someone that's threatened me.

{Scrubbed}

[Mathis]

He expressed his opinion about a matter that offended him, this is ok. He went too far however when he started to threaten you with violence. You should respect his wishes about the blasphemy, but you should tell him that if he ever threatens you again you will have to report him to whoever controls your apartments (Or whoever is the correct authority for this situation at your university ( or country). As always be respectful with your confrontation and follow common ettiquette. Being polite here is very important.

[valadil]

Has your roommate expressed an objection to blasphemy before or is this the first time it came up? Did you apologize? Regardless of how you feel about religion, you should apologize for disrespecting something your roommate cares deeply about, even if it was inadvertent. But you should also make it clear that just because you did that does not give him the right to deny you sleep. Skyping past midnight is not going to make your room situation any better nor will threats of violence.

I'm not sure where you go to school, but my college took threats like that very seriously. They wouldn't kick someone out of their dorm on a whim though. You had to pre-establish that a threat took place. If it happened again, they'd take action. If that's the case, I suggest pre-establishing things with your RA.

[Erloas]

Well a lot of it depends on the person, but I hear a lot of people say "I'm going to kick your ..." and they never mean it. Its really the equivalent of saying it made them mad or whatever you did is annoying. Its not P.C., but a lot of people aren't.

Of course there are people out there that are crazier then others. And that sort of has to be judged person to person. But for the most part a one-off threat to kick someones butt when they say something offensive is hardly a need for concern or reaction. I see it used a lot simply as a phrase and not as an actual threat. Now if drinking has been involved then things change too.

As for a roommate staying up too late keeping you up... well thats why no one likes roommates. The chance of finding a roommate that doesn't either stay up way too late for you or get up way too early for you is fairly rare. Very few people like roommates that they are randomly stuck with.

[Atreyu the Masked LLama]

Well a lot of it depends on the person, but I hear a lot of people say "I'm going to kick your ..." and they never mean it. Its really the equivalent of saying it made them mad or whatever you did is annoying. Its not P.C., but a lot of people aren't.


I do this all the time. No one thinks I'm serious, cuz I'm not.

I'd talk to your roomie about this, though. Seriously, its a good first step. I assume you have only been roomies for a few days, maybe a week, right?
Communication is how you two are gonna learn to co-exist together.

[grimbold]

your starting comment was kind of... horrible
ask him for forgiveness or pay the price

[Sipex]

This is something you need to discuss with your roommate. What you said isn't bad but it offended him. You were joking in what you assumed was a neutral environment at the time, once the conflict occurred you wised up.

You just need to make it clear to him that you weren't aware that it offended him and you're willing to watch comments like those in his presence. In return, you don't want to be threatened.

[shadow_archmagi]

your starting comment was kind of... horrible
ask him for forgiveness or pay the price

I admit, it wasn't politically correct. {Scrubbed} I'm willing to admit it was a mistake, but that's disproportionate retribution.


Has your roommate expressed an objection to blasphemy before or is this the first time it came up? Did you apologize? Regardless of how you feel about religion, you should apologize for disrespecting something your roommate cares deeply about, even if it was inadvertent.


This is the first time I ever heard anything from him on the subject. In fact, until now, I had no knowledge whatsoever of his religion, and we've been living together for six months. Also, as anyone who plays any video game with me can attest, I use damn and goddamn frequently, and those never produced comment.


Was he serious?

Roommates do make sleep more complicated.

On your first point, I'm pretty sure he was. We normally go entire weeks without speaking, so it isn't like we have a friendly back and forth going. I've never known him to joke when speaking to me. His delivery of the line seemed sincere. Furthermore, the fact that he waited a full 26 hours before issuing his ultimatum makes me think that this was something he took some time to think about seriously.

As for sleep, yeah, I was OK with that. I just included the sleep discussion to emphasize that this was everything we said to each other over the course of two days

[WarKitty]

I'm going to presume that the threat was meant seriously, having been in similar situations where a seriously meant threat was assumed to be a joke by others. Trust me, it's not fun. Usually the person in the situation knows.

That said, who controls your housing? Are you in uni housing, or private? This isn't the first time I've heard of stuff like this, so it might be good to talk to the university about it. You can file a police report as well I'm pretty sure - unfortunately they can't do anything at this point, but if anything does happen that means there's a report on file.

[Coidzor]

Wow. I'd recommend putting your feelers out for alternate rooming arrangements, especially through the student housing people as they generally keep track of others in a similar situation of looking for alternative roommates and can aid in hooking you up.

Of the two possible interpretations I can think of for why he objected, one of them is a major red flag, so between that 50-50 split and threat of violence to the point of expulsion...:smalleek:

I must say that I'm surprised the objection wasn't from the other direction though.


your starting comment was kind of... horrible
ask him for forgiveness or pay the price

What, you think that guy would be justified to attack shadow_archmagi? :smallyuk:

[Vladislav]

While the armchair psychologists are sorting out the issue of whether he meant it or not in the comfort of their home, you have to take care of yourself.

He threatened you physically? Go to campus security immediately.

[BarbarianNina]

Definitely talk with people about this. And e-mail or write to people about this. Then, if he threatens you again, you can prove that it wasn't the first time you complained about it. Documentation helps with these situations. Also, you should see about changing roommates, if possible. Threatening you like that was over the line, and it's best not to share a room with someone who goes over the line in response to normal roommate frustrations.

That said, there's something else you should probably do. Talk to the guy. "I've upset you, you've upset me, but I'd like to make peace now. Can talk about how to do that?" Honestly, if I'd been deeply offended by something my roommate said, and I'd told him so, I would at least expect him to, you know, answer me. When someone says "Dude, not cool," after you've done something he's previously asked you not to do, it's pretty darn rude not to respond (I don't think you meant it to be rude, but it is). His response was way, way over the line-- both the passive-aggressive stuff and the threat-- but it's still possible that he's a relatively rational person most of the time, and that the two of your could hear each other out and make peace.

I hate having roommates, by the way, but I've found that it's helpful to get a certain amount of communication going. It's easier to tolerate another person in your room if you know of something you have in common, or have a couple of pleasant shared experiences to lend you tolerance. It's also easier if you both feel listened to and heard.

[Altaria87]

your starting comment was kind of... horrible
ask him for forgiveness or pay the price
*Agrees with Coidzor*
There is no way an offhand joke can justify an actual threat of violence. I mean, I get annoyed if people make nasty jokes about epilepsy, for personal reasons, but I wouldn't threaten them with violence if they weren't actually talking to me.
Seriosuly, if this is actually true, your roomate is very far out of line. As a very common 'blasphemer' with many religious friends, I can say that your roomate is in no way justified in his behaviour. Heck, weren't you just saying that Luther King Jr. was awesome, not the other way around?

[Coidzor]

Probably should apprise the RA of the situation as the first step, considering they're supposed to know the specific protocols you need to go through.

[mucat]

A couple things:

If I'm reading the story right, he never said outright that it was blasphemy that bothered him. He also might have thought your comment reflected a kind of flippant racism, even if you didn't intend it that way. (Hell, it seems borderline racist to me, and I have the benefit of hearing your full explanation.) It bothered him enough for him to bring it up again, so it would be good for you to discuss it with him openly and clear up any misunderstanding.

His retaliation (by making noise late at night) reflects poorly on him. If someone is angry with me, I would prefer that they say "if you do that again, I'll kick your ass" rather than launch a passive-aggressive campaign of annoyances.

Of course, that assumes they're not literally threatening to kick my ass. Usually, when a person says something like that, it's hyperbole; all they really mean is "I'm mad at you." I've said that myself, to students in some cases. ("If you try to get through this class by memorization, without really understanding the science, it will be my personal mission to kick your ass.") I'm pretty confident that everyone understood I wasn't actually threatening violence (except to their GPAs).

Since we weren't there to hear the guy's tone of voice, all I can advise is to use common sense. If he was clearly just using hyperbole, then talk to him, find out exactly why he was angry, and clear the air. I would also make it clear that if either of you gets angry at the other in the future, you deal with it honestly, rather than by making noise and becoming hard to live with.

If you think he was making an actual threat, you may need to go to the police and/or the University. (Which one is more useful depends on what you already know about both organizations.) I would still talk to him first, and get a better idea of what he meant. Also, be aware that he may publicly repeat your original statement (or what he heard, which might not be exactly what you said), and cast it in the worst possible light.


EDIT: On rereading the original story, I have to say that the "I don't care if I get thrown out of school" part of the roommate's statement makes it sound less like harmless hyperbole, and more like an actual threat. A lot still depends on context, but at the very least I would confront him, ask what he meant, and tell him he can't talk that way without consequences.

[Lycan 01]

Yeah, talk to an RA. See about maybe getting a new roommate. You should also probably apologize, but also let him know that threatening you was the wrong way to go about the situation, and that it has left you feeling uncomfortable.

And seriously, even if your comment was over the line or offensive to him, he should have just asked you not to make another joke like that and to respect his beliefs. Threatening you was a stupid move on his part. "Oh hey, you're not going to respect my beliefs, so I'm going to threaten you with violence until you stop being a problem to me, rather than finding a diplomatic solution or... you know... offering forgiveness and turning the other cheek."

[shadow_archmagi]

I've been talking with another friend who also dislikes his roommate (Nothing so dramatic; his roommate is just a bit of a creeper.) so we're going to go to the RA together and see about sorting all this out.

Thanks for all the support, guys. It is good to have community like this.

[Mikhailangelo]

{Scrubbed}

I'm a bit of a uniquely male appendage though, and I really don't recommend taking my advice on the matter. Kinda like the way Belkar goaded Miko in OotS, I enjoy watching falls from grace and taking the moral high ground afterwords.

[RandomNPC]

{Scrub the post, scrub the quote}

I'm a bit of a uniquely male appendage though, and I really don't recommend taking my advice on the matter. Kinda like the way Belkar goaded Miko in OotS, I enjoy watching falls from grace and taking the moral high ground afterwords.

You're... me...

Maybe he didn't get mad at the spiritual remark, maybe he's racist and didn't like the praise you gave to MLK

Either way, the worst advice I can give is if you think you can take him then put him in his place. Barring my worst advice, go to the police, tell them everything, get the report filed. Switch roomies as soon as you can, and after getting out of the living together situation, talk to him, so you've got a place to sleep that night that doesn't involve passive agressive crazyness if things go bad.

[Tono]

I think it all really boils down to one question, Are you actually afraid for your physical well being, or the well being of your items? If so, I would personally report it to an RA or w/e immediately, if not just waiting it out or seeing if you can switch with your friend would probably be what I do. (Thankfully I've had awesome roommates these past two years.)

[Mando Knight]

I'm really not comfortable sharing a dorm room with someone that's threatened me.

And he's apparently extremely uncomfortable sharing a room with someone who treats historical and/or religious figures that are important to him irreverently.

Honestly, relationships of any kind are a two-way street. If you want him to be nice to you, be nice to him first. If he doesn't return the favor, you keep being nice to him. If that doesn't work, then someone in the room is doing something wrong.

[Knaight]

And he's apparently extremely uncomfortable sharing a room with someone who treats historical and/or religious figures that are important to him irreverently.

The threat of violence is inherently more severe than most anything else verbal. If it is carried out, then the person assaulting someone over something said is not in the moral right in any circumstance, as such the situations are not equivalent.

[shadow_archmagi]

So anyway, I talked to my friend on the 4th floor. We got to comparing charts (The university provides a checklist thingy of stuff like "WHAT TIME IS NAP TIME?" and "HOW BAD DOES THE ROOM HAVE TO GET BEFORE SOMEONE HAS TO CLEAN IT?" and "HOW MANY ANGRY BEARS IS TOO MANY?") and discovered we're totally the best roommates ever.

I mean, the original idea was "Oh no my current roommate is utterly horrible let's upgrade from horrible to boring" but on closer inspection we agree on everything.

We go to sleep at the same time. We enjoy the same video games. We both use headphones instead of speakers, so our music will never compete. His headphones block sound, so he won't care if I talk to my friends all day every day.

Clearly the moral of this story is that being a horrible person has great results :smalltongue:

[loopy]

Clearly the moral of this story is that being a horrible person has great results :smalltongue:

Thats pretty much my approach to life. I'm sure Pancake would agree with me on this one in saying that its an incredibly effective and entertaining way to live. :smallamused:

[Don Julio Anejo]

Makes me feel damn lucky I paid the extra $200 a month in my first year and got a studio apartment on campus.

[shadow_archmagi]

Well, that's that. Moved into the new room. All is well. Heh. I moved out while my former roommate wasn't around, and I didn't discuss moving out with him, so he's just going to come back to find half the room missing.

[Traab]

Seems rather odd, he objects to blasphemy, so he resorts to threatening you with assault? Pretty sure god tends to frown on that sort of thing, though depending on his religion, maybe not. On the other hand, you could always be a smartass and remind him about the whole forgiveness is a virtue thing, and turning the other cheek.

[xPANCAKEx]

Thats pretty much my approach to life. I'm sure Pancake would agree with me on this one in saying that its an incredibly effective and entertaining way to live. :smallamused:

FULLY BACKED

sometimes you should throw caution to the wind, be scummy and watch the results

[Sipex]

Well, that's that. Moved into the new room. All is well. Heh. I moved out while my former roommate wasn't around, and I didn't discuss moving out with him, so he's just going to come back to find half the room missing.

Just be wary if you didn't talk to your roomie about the offensive thing before leaving (ie: Clarifying that you weren't trying to be racist or sacreligious). If he knows anyone that you know he might start badmouthing you about it since you simply getting up and leaving would give him a huge confirmation of your bias in his mind.

[Don Julio Anejo]

Just be wary if you didn't talk to your roomie about the offensive thing before leaving (ie: Clarifying that you weren't trying to be racist or sacreligious). If he knows anyone that you know he might start badmouthing you about it since you simply getting up and leaving would give him a huge confirmation of your bias in his mind.
Nah, if he brings up sacrilege, he'll just look like a religious fanatic in the eyes of others and will hurt his own reputation much more than any rumours he can start.

If he doesn't and instead says something else, well, he'd just be lying and spreading false rumours. Something that can be quite easily countered by spreading your own "rumours" which tell the whole truth. Which, again, will make him look like a religious fanatic and a blatant liar at that.

[Sipex]

Oh yeah, I realise that.

I just want the OP to be aware that it's a possibility based on the circumstances.

[WarKitty]

A simple note might actually be a decent way of clearing up something like that. Try this on for size:

"Dear roommate,

After the events of the other night, I no longer feel comfortable sharing a room with you. While I am willing to respect your beliefs, I feel that your response was disproportionate and puts too much of a strain between us to share living quarters. I have moved in with a good friend of mine and moved my stuff out.

Best wishes,
shadow"

[Knaight]

Alternately:

"Dear Roommate

I don't appreciate being threatened, and given the recent appearance of mental instability on your part, I have moved out. Don't expect me to be posting bail when you finally snap and assault someone.

Shadow.

P.S. I have two words for you. Restraining. Order."

[Traab]

Dear former roomate,
Jesus loves you. I dont

[Lycan 01]

Dear former roomate,
Jesus loves you. I dont

Nice. :smallbiggrin:


In all seriousness, though, I don't think moving out without giving him any heads up was the right thing to do. You should have at least given him a bit of warning, so he could start looking for a new roommate himself. I dunno how it is at your school, but at my dorm anyone who doesn't have a roommate and cannot find one is forced to pay double the housing fees to cover the cost of two students in the room. I'd be pretty pissed off if my roommate just got up and left one day without any warning...

[shadow_archmagi]

Nice. :smallbiggrin:


In all seriousness, though, I don't think moving out without giving him any heads up was the right thing to do. You should have at least given him a bit of warning, so he could start looking for a new roommate himself. I dunno how it is at your school, but at my dorm anyone who doesn't have a roommate and cannot find one is forced to pay double the housing fees to cover the cost of two students in the room. I'd be pretty pissed off if my roommate just got up and left one day without any warning...

As I understand it, the system here is that he gets the room to himself at no extra charge, but because he isn't paying for the privilege, the school puts him on a list of available transfer rooms, so he could get a new roommate at any time.

(Until the beginning of the next school year in August, at which point I think he'll have to choose between either finding a roommate, paying double, or letting the school assign him a new room.)

[Traab]

Nice. :smallbiggrin:


In all seriousness, though, I don't think moving out without giving him any heads up was the right thing to do. You should have at least given him a bit of warning, so he could start looking for a new roommate himself. I dunno how it is at your school, but at my dorm anyone who doesn't have a roommate and cannot find one is forced to pay double the housing fees to cover the cost of two students in the room. I'd be pretty pissed off if my roommate just got up and left one day without any warning...

Heh, theres a lyric for any situation isnt there? I almost lost it the first time I heard that line. Pretty sure it was a country song.

[WarKitty]

As I understand it, the system here is that he gets the room to himself at no extra charge, but because he isn't paying for the privilege, the school puts him on a list of available transfer rooms, so he could get a new roommate at any time.

(Until the beginning of the next school year in August, at which point I think he'll have to choose between either finding a roommate, paying double, or letting the school assign him a new room.)

That's how I've seen it done at most schools. I've had two different friends get double rooms to themselves because a roommate left. No extra cost, but if anyone needs a spot to live your room is open.

[shadow_archmagi]

That's how I've seen it done at most schools. I've had two different friends get double rooms to themselves because a roommate left. No extra cost, but if anyone needs a spot to live your room is open.

I briefly entertained the idea of organizing a group of friends to all room together, and then split up to maximize the number of rooms occupied.

Then I realized that for that, I'd need to use math, be a terrible person, *and* have a large group of well organized friends at the college.