Help Lillith move out

[Lillith]

So after a long talk with my therapist we came to the conclusion that my mothers influence is a bad one and that I need to move out of the house. I've already dealt with the related panic attacks and hysterical anxieties relating to this subject, but now the biggest challenge has yet to come: telling my parents I want to move out.

Here's a bit of backstory as to how my parents are, perhaps it will give a bit of a picture on how they might respond:

Dad: Overall a nice guy. Gets a bit annoyed with my mothers spending habits because he makes the money and well, she spends it again. He moved out when he was 24, pretty much because he had to but it was still his decision to make. He stresses out a lot about his work with not really any reason to, he just does.

Mom: Can be nice but a very dominant controlling person. Wants everything her way and gets very passive aggressive when she doesn't get what she wants. While she understands that I have a disorder I have yet to experience her actually dealing with it. Also she has a whole plan set up for me that I'll stay at home until I finish with school and hopes that I'll have saved a certain amount of money by that time. Basically because when she moved with my dad they had money problems and she wants to prevent that for me. Has never 'moved out' to live alone. Went from her parents house to moving in with my dad when she was 22. She also likes to repeat a lot to others that I'm like her and that I don't want to move out until I'm done with school. That some kids have that but not me.


Personal:

Now personally, while I acknowledge that I have to move out of the house, I have to admit I like my mothers plan about saving money. So moving out makes me scared that I'll lose what I've already saved and will have to start out with nothing. I know, some people have to start with a huge debt so if I start with nothing I'm still lucky.

However, due to my disorder I would have a hard time dealing with both studying and working at the same time. My therapist has plans for me to get a sort of personal helper, but finances weigh very heavily on my mind. I don't expect my parents to pay my rent, but I do need their support.

Also two summers ago I was allowed to move to the attic, which resulted in me getting a new desk, bed, the room had to get a door and better windows and new carpet etc. My parents said something like 'well you're going to stay here for a few years anyways, so it doesn't matter'. Yeah... and now I want to move out. I feel really guilty.

My moving out plan:

There's this student building about 20 minutes away from where I live now. It's next to the train station that can take me to school. It is also near a supermarket and a pharmacy. Living there would mean I wouldn't have to give up therapy, my job at my dad's store and going to Aikido. And I could visit my parents all I want or house sit for them while they're on vacation, since we got cats.

Now basically I have no idea how to tell my parents that I want to move out. I'm really afraid they'd cut me off completely because I didn't follow 'the plan' and I'm going to need help big time. I'm very convinced my mom is not going to just take this. My dad might. And I can't really say what my therapist told me, because that would really make an already iffy situation worse. I won't see my therapist till the end of next week and this problem is starting to get the better of me.

So I ask you, people of the playground, for advice. How do I tell my parents that I want to move out without having to deal with gigantic consequences? Perhaps you had a similar problem? Or how did you tell your parents you wanted to move out? All advice is very much appreciated!

[thubby]

seems to me there's nothing to it but to do it.

[Wargor]

I think you just have to be straight about it, there's no use covering up the reasons. Just stay calm and explain it. They might not like it but I'm sure they'll come round in the end.

[KuReshtin]

Divide and conquer.
if you think your dad will be ok with you moving out, go talk to him first, and get him on 'your side'.
Tell him the benefits of your moving out and that you want to try it out.

Then make sure that he's there when you tell your mother, so you know that he can back you up if/when she starts opposing the idea.


The attic conversion I don't think is a big deal. they said they expected you to stay there a few years. it was two years ago. That's technically 'a few years'.


Edit: Oh. Also, do your homework first.
Make sure you know the price for rent at the new place you're thinking of, and add in the standard costs of living and then offset that to your income to show them that you'd be able to make it on your own, or at least show them how much financial support you might need from them, if any.

[22Charisma]

Divide and conquer.
Edit: Oh. Also, do your homework first.
Make sure you know the price for rent at the new place you're thinking of, and add in the standard costs of living and then offset that to your income to show them that you'd be able to make it on your own, or at least show them how much financial support you might need from them, if any.

This. This is super important. Not so much for the sake of pacifying your parents, but for your own sake. It'll let you know where you stand and put everything in perspective. While your therapist might not know your exact financial situation I would imagine that they wouldn't have you do something that would end you up deep over your head. It might just end up calming your own anxiety.


Divide and conquer.

Also this. Talk to your dad and explain to him WHY you're moving out, not just that you are. Convincing him first, while not necesarily get you someone to back you up against your mom, will mean that instead of going up against your mom and your dad, you only have to go up against one.

[rakkoon]

I agree with the two posters above.
I moved out because I wasn't at home that much more anyway, always with friends or my girlfriend so my parents saw it coming. You're in a much more difficult situation.
Good luck Lilith!

[Ytaker]

Do you know your parent's argument strategies? If you can anticipate their responses you can plan better.

If say your mom's response would be "ask your dad" going to him first would be an excellent idea.

What do you think your mom would say?

[Lillith]

Do you know your parent's argument strategies? If you can anticipate their responses you can plan better.

If say your mom's response would be "ask your dad" going to him first would be an excellent idea.

What do you think your mom would say?

She probably wouldn't like it at all. I think she'll bring up the finances for sure, because she set up that 'moving out fund' plan of me saving as much money as I can before I finish school. And that I can't take care of myself because 'if you can't keep your room tidy how are you going to do it alone' etc. How do you plan to afford seeing your boyfriend? You'll just waste your savings. Why not wait till you finish school? How are you going to focus on your studies?

I really want to rebuke that with 'well if you worry about that you can pay my rent so I can focus on only my studies' but I doubt that would make things go my way. :smalltongue:

Edit: Also I'm really not looking forward to talking about this to my mom. I've lost every single argument that I ever had with her. And as soon as I try to do something that I want but that she dislikes she'll either throw a hissy fit, use the silent treatment or try to guilt trip me out of it.

[Douglas]

The tidiness of your room has remarkably little relevance to your ability to maintain yourself financially.

I'll echo the suggestion to try getting your dad alone first, and explain as much of your reasons as you dare to him. If you can convince him to agree with your moving out, also explain to him your worries about mom's reaction and see if you can convince him to help you with that discussion.

Then talk it over with mom, ideally with dad backing you up - but before doing any of this, work out a detailed financial plan and budget, ask dad to check it and suggest improvements, print it out, and be ready to point to the relevant parts of it for any financial objections your mom raises.

[MonkeyBusiness]

I agree with Ku'Reshtin, 22Cha, and Rakkoon: do your research, make a plan, and tell your dad first.

I would add:

Remember that you do *not* have to answer every question or respond to every verbal prod. In fact, it's better if you don't even try. Somehow Q&A session with an angry parent will always revert to questions that really can't be answered. ("How can you do this to me?" and "If you can't keep your room clean why do you think you can manage living on your own" are favorites.)

Practice what you are going to say ahead of time. This includes practicing responding to unanswerable questions with quiet assertive replies: "Mom, I know you doubt my ability to do this, but I think my plan will work."


With dad ... can you make a connection between his decision to move out when he was young and your decision to move? While they are for different reasons, at least one core issue - self-sufficiency - is the same. See if you can get him to identify with you.

He sounds like a reasonable guy, as you say. You might be able to get him to participate in this a bit, too. As in, "Dad, will you look over this rental contract with me?" I don't know if that will work - only you can be the judge - but if you can do anything to make him feel included and that shows you respect his opinion and want (in some ways) to be like him ... well, he'll be happier about what you propose.

And make the plan a firm one. If it were me, I would not say anything to mom until I'd put down a deposit on the new apartment. That way, if she tries to talk you out of it, you can simply say, "I've decided this is best for me. I have paid the deposit. I'd like to have your support, but with or without it, the plan is in motion."

And if things get really ugly, you can always say, "I have explained this as best I can. I wish you agreed with me, but I can live with disagreement. Now I need to go pack. Excuse me."

Try reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. She talks about how this kind of face-to-face confrontation and how to make it work for you.

And remember: you are doing the right thing!

<hug>

.

[Lillith]

*hugs Monkey* That book sounds interesting. Also I can't really do the whole 'well I'm going to pack bye' step because it takes a bit of a long time before I'll get a room. So the most reasonable outcome would be that I'll have to live with them for a while after I tell them. Also I'd love to have my mom or dad on my side to plan financial things better and do things like sign up at a student building uh... organization.

[Cyrion]

Like Monkey Business said above, focus on the fact that this is NOT an argument for you to win or lose. This is a decision you've made and are asking for their support. Whether they support you or not, you are committed to your decision.

I'll also echo what others have said about making a budget. It's a very important component of success when you first move out on your own. Recognize that you WILL have to dip into your savings; there will be unexpected (hopefully one-time) expenses that you'll have to cover. Make sure that in your budget you build in replenishing your savings. Even if it's only $10 a month, always put something aside to save.

In addition, include in your plan explicit details on how you're going to balance work and school on your own. You may not share these details with anyone else, but for you personally they'll be important. It's really important for you to finish school- it's got a huge impact on your future income and job potential, even if you never work in the field you got your degree in.

You asked how we told our parents we were moving out- I didn't have to. I went to a school far enough away that I couldn't live with my parents, then I never moved back in. This is actually a strategy I recommend to people, no matter their situation.

[Ytaker]

Edit: Also I'm really not looking forward to talking about this to my mom. I've lost every single argument that I ever had with her. And as soon as I try to do something that I want but that she dislikes she'll either throw a hissy fit, use the silent treatment or try to guilt trip me out of it.

If you make it positive that may negate the difficulty somewhat. Ask her for her help on learning how to tidy your room, on good budgeting. People who are passive aggressive often assume everything you say is negative towards them.

Maintain single minded focus. Everything she says you should bring back to a single point. I'd recommend you saying you want to learn to be more independent and learn to manage your own life, and you regard that as more important than money. That sounds less bad than "you suck as a person mom". If you do maintain this single point it'll mean whatever she says you can twist into a way to help you rather than an insult. You said you weren't sure how you could respond= if you have a simple point it'll be a lot easier to talk to her.


Examples-'if you can't keep your room tidy how are you going to do it alone'

Excellent point. Could you help teach me to tidy your room?


etc. How do you plan to afford seeing your boyfriend?

I'll need good budgeting plans. Could you help me learn how to deal with bills and finances? You seem so good at it.


You'll just waste your savings.

See above.


Why not wait till you finish school?

I want to learn to be an independent person, and the longer I wait the harder it is.


How are you going to focus on your studies?

That's part of what I want to learn- how to study alone when I'm not in the far more difficult environment of university.

You could also try roleplaying out the conversation with someone. I'm sure you have run over the conversation in your head a hundred times, but if you talk it over with someone else that's a good way to practise saying whatever.

[22Charisma]

Edit: Also I'm really not looking forward to talking about this to my mom. I've lost every single argument that I ever had with her. And as soon as I try to do something that I want but that she dislikes she'll either throw a hissy fit, use the silent treatment or try to guilt trip me out of it.

As the others before me have said. This isn't an argument. The decision has been made, you're only briefing them. Don't forget that!

Also I wouldn't worry about the hissy fits and silent treatments. In my experience people with that kind of attitude (and sorry if it sounds horribly harsh) tend to need one more that one needs them. So eventually they'll deal with the fact that you "hurt" them and go back to how they used to be before.

Lastly, looking far into the future, when you do move out, if you plan on inviting your parents over, think it over. A LOT. That's your safe place and you have the right to not want that messed up. If you decide to let them come over, go over the rules first. (although this is definitely one of those things that you croos the bridge when you get to it.)

*sends you good vibes*

[Castaras]

Do your parents know you see a therapist? You could always try prefacing The Talk with, depending on this factor (and if they don't, if you want to let them know), a "My Therapist thinks it would do me a lot of good emotionally to force myself to be independant and move out." You don't have to elaborate, just state that it's for your emotional wellbeing - because it is. :smallsmile:

[Lillith]

Yeah I'm planning in that my parents will talk to them and perhaps my mom has to go extra. Especially cause most of my stress comes from living with my mom and my therapist wants to try and make my living conditions better for me until I move out. My parents know that I have one, I couldn't come up with a way to explain why I'd disappear once a week at the same time. :smallbiggrin:

Does anybody know where I could get a digital copy of 'Toxic parents'? I rather not get a paper version because I'm worried my mother might find it and I'd have to explain why I have it. Not that she raids my room, but more that I'd forget to put it away and she sees it while dropping off my laundry in my room.

[MonkeyBusiness]

*hugs Monkey*

<Monkey Hugs Back Real Big>


Also I can't really do the whole 'well I'm going to pack bye' step because it takes a bit of a long time before I'll get a room. So the most reasonable outcome would be that I'll have to live with them for a while after I tell them. Also I'd love to have my mom or dad on my side to plan financial things better and do things like sign up at a student building uh... organization.

Ah. Well, tell me if this revised version might work (and please forgive any repetition of ideas already given. You know how some people "think out loud", meaning they talk to help themselves think? Well, I type out loud. :smallwink:) Anyhoo:

Tell your dad. Dad makes the money, so he's the one who will offer you financial support, not your mom. And he's the saner of the two, so he is also the one who will offer any emotional support.

Choose your time and place wisely: aim for a father-daughter heart-to-heart. Tell him how hard it is for you to make this decision and tell him why. Compare yourself now with himself at 24. Ask him if it was hard to leave home, if he worried ... make an emotional connection.

Go over your plan with him and ask for his feedback.

And then ask him how and when you should tell your mom. Because he has to live with her passive aggressive nonsense too. While it won't be directed at him, he still has to exist in the fumes of her toxic behavior towards you.

I suspect that your mom is being passive-aggressive because she feels helpless. Anything you say or do will trigger it. This makes it even more important to talk to your dad alone and to talk to him first: I don't know what your particular family dynamic is, but many people give in to their passive aggressive partner just to shut them up!

Anyway, he might agree to delaying the Big Announcement, which will cut down the time you both have to endure hurtful passive aggressive crap.

I feel for you, girl. I found myself stuck with a passive aggressive housemate just a year back. I was renting a mother-in-law apartment from her, and it was great ... until her seasonal affective disorder kicked in! She began micro-managing everything and became quite a bully. I moved out even though it was a huge financial strain, not to mentional an emotional one. And the time between when I gave her my notice and the day I actually moved out was pure hell. But it was a wise decision. I think you are making a wise decision too.

Hang in there.

[MonkeyBusiness]

Does anybody know where I could get a digital copy of 'Toxic parents'?

Try this:

http://www.pdf-freedownload.com/pdf-folder/susan-forward-toxic-parents-pdf.php

I'm not using a computer where I can test this myself ... so please do Write back and let us know if this link really works!

[Lillith]

Try this:

http://www.pdf-freedownload.com/pdf-folder/susan-forward-toxic-parents-pdf.php

I'm not using a computer where I can test this myself ... so please do Write back and let us know if this link really works!

@advice: That sounds something I could do I think. I figured as much that I'd have to start with my dad.

@link: Nope, it's like flyers that mention the book and stuff. I don't really mind paying for it, but I can't find that either. (I am so bad at googling funny enough)

[Ytaker]

http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=toxic+parents+torrent&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-GB:official&client=firefox-a#sclient=psy&hl=en&safe=off&client=firefox-a&hs=R11&rls=org.mozilla:en-GB%3Aofficial&q=toxic+parents+ebook&aq=f&aqi=g-s1g-sx1g-o1&aql=&oq=&pbx=1&fp=25353823e5e816d6

Third link- look for the epub label. kindle books are harder to read.

http://ebooks.ebookmall.com/ebook/438725-ebook.htm

You need this to read it.

http://www.adobe.com/products/digitaleditions/

Or a non official version.

http://www.epubmaker.net/ebook-reader.html

Edit. To find an electronic book google "ebook [bookname]"

[KenderWizard]

Sounds like a really difficult thing to do, but well worth the hassle. Good luck with it!

I don't really have any advice other than to reiterate to stay calm and be well prepared. And make sure you've got friends and/or other family members to support you. When you move out, there are lots of little things that trip you up. Doing ALL your laundry ALL the time, you have to be prepared, have the washing stuff, leave drying time. Coming in after a long day and realising you're relying on yourself to go grocery shopping and cook a meal and clean up, and still get all your work done (totally been there!). This is what a support network is for; someone to ring when the washing machine won't work and you've nothing at all edible in the house and a deadline tomorrow.

[Lillith]

Awesome, I finally found out how much the rooms cost that I want to rent. Seems I remembered the streetname wrong. Was slightly less then I remembered so that's better. At least now I can set up my finance plan better without the need for my parents at that part.

Would it be very bad if I'd sign up at the student buildings organizations before telling my parents?

[MonkeyBusiness]

Lillith, I would go ahead and sign up for the student housing. I don't know exactly how it works at your school, but in most places there is a waiting list. So it's a good idea to get on that list now.

It also gives a little "oomph" to your statement that you plan to move out; but it's not as dramatic as saying that you will be moving out next week. If you are comfortable doing so, you could ask Dad to look at the apartment with you when one becomes available: it might be a nice transition for you both, as well as a way to show you respect his opinion.

Finally, I think this is a good thing to do because I suspect it will make you feel better. Just taking action on your own behalf - even if it's just to get on a waiting list - can feel like such a relief!

That's what I think, anyway.

- Monkey

[SilverSheriff]

I suggest taking your parents to therapy with you for a session so you can discuss these things with both your parents and the Therapist.

[KerfuffleMach2]

Definitely go into it with the attitude of informing them, not asking permission. If you think of it as asking permission, you'll end up doing just that. Which probably won't have good results.

Worst comes to worst, point out the fact that you're legally old enough to move out. They can't keep you from moving out.

Also, look into getting a roommate. That'll help with the financial part, at least.

[Lillith]

@Black pants: Yeah I'm intending to take them to therapy with me at least once.

@Kerfuffle: That's probably going to be my hardest part. I'm used to asking permission, not saying 'this is what I'm going to do, you can either support me or not'.

On a good note I found out that my mom is leaving for a week next week Saturday. Meaning I have a whole week to get my father on my side.

[KerfuffleMach2]

@Kerfuffle: That's probably going to be my hardest part. I'm used to asking permission, not saying 'this is what I'm going to do, you can either support me or not'.

Yeah, I know how you feel on that one. Still feel like I'm asking permission when I tell my mom I'm staying late at school or something.

I would recommend practicing what you're going to say. At least the basics of it. Don't rehearse a whole speech, because you probably can't think of every reaction they could have. But, get a few rough ideas going, think on them for a while. Should help.

With your mom gone for a week, will you be seeing your therapist before then? They might have some advice on what to say.

Also, ask some relatives you trust for this kind of stuff. If any.

[Traab]

Most important thing is to have your ducks all in a row. Make sure you have every angle covered, bills, transportation, whatever. Yes I read all about the trains tation and your job im just pointing out that you will need to have everything spelled out and under control in order to convince your family that itll all be fine. When it comes down to it, this is YOUR choice, they really dont get a say in the matter, so show them you have it all under control, and then they will be reduced to nothing but emotional responses when they try to convince you not to move. Emotional responses are easy to dismiss as they tend to be irrational, "Oh my baby girl! She couldnt POSSIBLY survive on her own!" It will also help if you have a backup plan in case they do try to pull some sort of crap like, "If you walk out that door, you are cut off!" make sure there are possibilities for employment elsewhere, and that you have enough savings to survive until you can get employed again.

[mucat]

That's probably going to be my hardest part. I'm used to asking permission, not saying 'this is what I'm going to do, you can either support me or not'.

That will be hard. It sounds like your parents -- your mom especially -- have become experts at manipulating that aspect of your mind, though of course they don't see it that way.

When you talk with them, remind yourself throughout the conversation that you are not asking if you can move, you're discussing the fact that you are going to move. And you don't owe them an answer to every question they can ask. If they ask practical questions such as "how will you budget your finances", then smile, accept the question warmly, and show them the answers you have prepared. Ask them for their advice, and thank them for helping -- but be clear that the only matter up for discussion is how you will manage this transition, not whether you will.

Of couse, they'll want to know why you made this choice, and you'll have an answer prepared -- "I've decided for such-and-such reasons that this is the time for me to learn to live more independently." But if they begin to put manipulative spins on the issue -- "How can we change so you won't hate living with us?" -- you need to be prepared to say "That's not what this is about..." and simply restate your reasons for the decision. Reasons which are all about your growth, not their shortcomings.

Even if they seem to be giving you a chance to get years of frustration off your chest, don't do it; this simply isn't the time. Very likely they'll simply swear to do better, and either you'll end up agreeing to "give them another chance", or you'll feel like you're being cruel and unforgiving.

One good way to steer the rhythm of the conversation is to always pause and think for a second or two before answering. Do this even if the question is an easy one; then you won't step into a trap on trickier ones. Ask yourself: is this question about how I'm going to pull this off, or about whether I'm going to? If it's the first category, make them glad they asked: give a well thought-out answer, and give them a chance to help you improve your plans. If it's the second category, don't take the bait. Restate your simple, immutable reasons for the decision, and move on to a more practical topic. It'll be good if you ask them as many questions as they ask you -- this makes it harder for them to put you on the defensive -- but again, your questions will all be focused on how best to make the transition.

It's brave of you to take this step, and I hope it all goes well. Remember, even if you don't manage to make them happy about this move, you'll all still love each other and the storm will blow over. If the lowest point you ever hit in your relationship with your parents is "that time when I moved to another apartment, when they thought I should wait a couple years", then it's been a pretty smooth ride. :smallsmile:

Courage. You're doing the right thing.

[Lycan 01]

Jeez. Your parents sound almost exactly like mine. My dad is cool and laid back, but works himself almost to death trying to pay off all the debts my mom has racked up. My mom is manipulative, throws fits (and breakable things) when things don't go her way, and she seems to think I'm never going to grow up if she has anything I say about it. She honestly thinks I'm going to stay with my parents while I work on my Masters Degree and start a career.

It doesn't help, either, that my mom is bipolar (manic-depressive, with self-destructive tendencies... Also ADD, Clinically Depressed, and heavily medicated; tis quite bad when she's off her meds), and she constant flips from being a nice loving mother to being a screaming banshee that wants to yell at me about nothing. This weekend was especially bad, and I can no longer deal with the emotional whiplash. I love my parents, but after being woken up at 5 AM (after going to bed at 3 AM) and not being able to go back to sleep for an hour because of the screaming, door slamming, and antique picture frame smashing, I don't really like the idea of going home every weekend this semester, as is my normal pattern (to appease my mother, of course). I especially don't like the idea of having to live there for another 3-4 years... :smallsigh:


But, I'm plotting my escape. :smallcool: My best friend will likely be moving out on his own at some point within the next year or so, so I may look into rooming with him once I graduate next year. OR, my current dorm roommate and a few friends are bouncing around ideas for renting a house or something next year, so after I graduate I may look into like a part-time deal or something - I pay a fraction of the rent, I can stay over a few nights a week. That way, I'm technically still living at home to make my parents happy, while I'm also able to "live" away from home and stay closer to the school.

I dunno, I'll figure something out. Still got a year or so... Now if only I could just find a job and start saving up. Ah, the woes of a full time student with no spare time or applicable job skills... :smallsigh:



At any rate, the point of my ranting (besides venting my own frustration) is that you're not alone in all this. There are other people who can relate to and understand your situation. You have the support and concern of the Playground behind you, for what its worth. And believe me, you're not a bad person for wanting to move out. Its for your own good, and you even have a professional opinion backing you up. Kind of hard to argue with doctor's orders... :smalltongue:


Now, as for serious and directly usable advice, I fear I don't have much to offer. Most of what I'd say is dreadfully obvious, or has already be said. Talk to your dad first, do your research, make sure you'll have a source of income to pay the rent, bills, food...

Perhaps, keyword perhaps, you could tell your parents that you're willing to move back in if things go south. It will be your decision, of course, when you need to move back in, and if you feel that you're doing fine on your own, no need to return. But, the possibility that you'll come home may be comforting to them, and it will give them incentive to either continue supporting you, or at least not completely cut you off. Not the best advice... but something to contemplate.



To be honest, I kinda wish I had the opportunity you have right now. Good luck. :smallsmile:

[Lillith]

Thanks for all the support you guys! I'm meeting with my therapist again this Friday. So I think I'll let the weekend blow over to practice my talk with my dad and then *gulp* try to do it on Monday. His day off. I'm kind of hoping he'll think it wouldn't be such a good idea to tell mom while she's away on vacation, but then again maybe it would be in my benefit if she'd hear it through the phone and get used to it before she gets a chance to actually 'fight back'. Then again knowing her she'd be steaming the whole week and not enjoy her vacation, which she'd prolly blame on me.

But yeah, day of telling is closing in. Still not exactly sure of what to tell my dad, I have got some stuff in my head but I'm the type of person who needs confirmation first so I'll probably get a definite version once I've bounced it off my therapist.

Bah, I'm scared. :smallsigh: My first real step on becoming an independent adult and severing the ties with my parents! *shudders*

[rakkoon]

Talk it over with your dad and therapist but throwing this bomb on your mother while she's on vacation might not be too kind. Winning over your dad while she's away is a masterplan!

Meanwhile, lots of hugs for us here and good luck.

[Lady Moreta]

Talk it over with your dad and therapist but throwing this bomb on your mother while she's on vacation might not be too kind. Winning over your dad while she's away is a masterplan!

Meanwhile, lots of hugs for us here and good luck.

This. Absolutely this.

Under no circumstances whatsoever should you tell your mother (or have your dad tell your mother) while she's on holiday. She is passive-aggressive enough as it is, and doing something like this will just be pouring fuel on the fire. That sort of thing would just be ammo for someone like that. She'll get home and the first words out of her mouth will be "I'm so upset, you don't love me. You couldn't even tell me in person, you had to ruin my vacation and tell me over the phone" or something to that affect.

Bad bad idea.

[Lillith]

Yeah I figured as such. Now to find an answer to a question my dad might ask. 'Why did you tell me this now and not while mom is around.' I think I'll just respond with 'well I finally found the courage right now and was afraid to chicken out' or something along those lines.

But I also think that telling mom while she's away isn't a good idea. I'm hoping that if I can get my dad to help me, we might be able to set up some plans before she gets back and then can't really do anything about it anymore. Also I think it would spoil her vacation if she'd just be angry the whole time about me moving out and not telling her face to face.

[Trekkin]

But I also think that telling mom while she's away isn't a good idea. I'm hoping that if I can get my dad to help me, we might be able to set up some plans before she gets back and then can't really do anything about it anymore. Also I think it would spoil her vacation if she'd just be angry the whole time about me moving out and not telling her face to face.

This could work (and is probably a good idea, logistically) but I strongly advise caution in presenting this to your mother; a fait accompli can be like a slap in the face to a sufficiently controlling person, especially if they genuinely want to help--it can seem like you're embarking on a problematic course of action and they're powerless to save you from yourself unless they do something drastic.

It may be better to make your plans, then broach the subject with your mother without mentioning them until she already agrees or raises an objection concerning some pitfall you already have a plan to preclude. That way, she doesn't feel, or is less likely to feel, like you've been plotting behind her back to render her contribution moot.

[KuReshtin]

This. Absolutely this.

Under no circumstances whatsoever should you tell your mother (or have your dad tell your mother) while she's on holiday. She is passive-aggressive enough as it is, and doing something like this will just be pouring fuel on the fire. That sort of thing would just be ammo for someone like that. She'll get home and the first words out of her mouth will be "I'm so upset, you don't love me. You couldn't even tell me in person, you had to ruin my vacation and tell me over the phone" or something to that affect.

Bad bad idea.

Quoted for truth, and bolded for additional emphasis.
Bring the news to her face to face.


Yeah I figured as such. Now to find an answer to a question my dad might ask. 'Why did you tell me this now and not while mom is around.' I think I'll just respond with 'well I finally found the courage right now and was afraid to chicken out' or something along those lines.


You could also tell him you believe that he would be able to give a more level-headed opinion if you had a chance to talk to him on a one-to-one basis. Tell him that you are pretty sure that if you broached the subject to both of them at the same time, your mother would take over the conversation and not give him a chance to give his opinion, and since you value his opinion, you wanted to use this opportunity to get him to sit down with you and go through your plans.

[Lillith]

You could also tell him you believe that he would be able to give a more level-headed opinion if you had a chance to talk to him on a one-to-one basis. Tell him that you are pretty sure that if you broached the subject to both of them at the same time, your mother would take over the conversation and not give him a chance to give his opinion, and since you value his opinion, you wanted to use this opportunity to get him to sit down with you and go through your plans.

Wow, I think you just answered the question. Because that's pretty much what would happen if I'd tell them at the same time. Thanks. :smallsmile:

[Nosferocktu]

I had no real option whe I moved out on my own cuz I joined the military, but I honestly agree on what you are doing. My wife and I agreed already that once my daughter hits approaches 18, we'll help her do research and look for jobs that will pay enough for all of her utilities and rent. We are actually setting up an "18 off you go" account. It's basically, my wife and I putting 50$ a paycheck into a secure account until she's 18 and basically on her 18th birthday, giving her an account number, routing number, and a card with over 40,000$ on it to help her get started on her new life. I hope you will thrive in your new digs and work hard everyday to earn your living.

[rakkoon]

Hmm, I'm planning on kicking my kids out when they are 29 but that's a discussion for another thread methinks.

Your dad must have figured out that your mom and you have issues. So why you are telling him this while she's away should be obvious to him. I would't plan too much already, just convince your dad that this is what you want and then you both try and convince your mother. if you already have an appartment by the time you get back you'll just antagonise her

[Lillith]

So I just finished talking with my dad. He was pleasantly surprised with my suggestion of moving out and thinks it would be a very wise decision to do so. He doesn't think my mom would freak out if I'd suggest it, but will be there when I tell her. :smallbiggrin: And they're gonna help me support myself a bit he said, though we'll figure that out when time comes. I think it couldn't have gone better then this! :smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin:

[Lycan 01]

Yaaaaay! :smallbiggrin: Glad to hear things went well!

[Douglas]

Excellent. Now I just have to recalibrate my mind control ray to target your other parent...:smallwink:

[KuReshtin]

So I just finished talking with my dad. He was pleasantly surprised with my suggestion of moving out and thinks it would be a very wise decision to do so. He doesn't think my mom would freak out if I'd suggest it, but will be there when I tell her. :smallbiggrin: And they're gonna help me support myself a bit he said, though we'll figure that out when time comes. I think it couldn't have gone better then this! :smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin:

Very good.
Congrats on getting past the first perceived hurdle. :smallsmile:

[rakkoon]

Great news, let us know how it works out.
I hope your relationship with your parents will improve by moving out, I know quite a few people who improved their relationship this way

[Lillith]

Yeah who knows. My mom's going to come back home either Friday or Saturday, depending on how fast she can get home. So I figure I'll wait till next week to tell her. Would be a bit mean if she'd walk inside and I immediately go 'Hey mom! Guess what! =D'

[MonkeyBusiness]

Oh Lillith, I am so happy for you! <big hug> Well done, girl!


.

[Silverraptor]

Excellent. Now I just have to recalibrate my mind control ray to target your other parent...:smallwink:

Might take awhile.


Yeah who knows. My mom's going to come back home either Friday or Saturday, depending on how fast she can get home. So I figure I'll wait till next week to tell her. Would be a bit mean if she'd walk inside and I immediately go 'Hey mom! Guess what! =D'

That is exactly what my younger sister did when my dad came home from a business trip. Except, it wasn't for moving out, but instead more of wanting to keep the kitten we just found.:smalltongue:

[Lillith]

I'm moving out! :smallbiggrin: Or well somewhere this year but I had a talk with my mother and she said she'd support me in my decision. When she asked for the reason I did tell her that she kind of bugged me and she wanted to know why. At that point my dad took over (I guess he had something to get off his chest) and said she's just like her mom, maybe even worse. So now my mom agrees that she'll go to therapy with me to prevent us from having the relationship she has with her mom. So wow I did it. :smalleek: *faints*

[Asta Kask]

*hugs*
*cheers*
*spandex*

[KuReshtin]

Very good. COngratulations.
It seems as if your dad did in deed have a few issues that he wanted to get off his chest, and this gave him the perfect opportunity to do so.
The fact that he got a few days to think about it from when you had your talk to him, until you told your mother about it might have been a good thing, then.
:smallsmile:

Again, congratulations on taking this step.

[pendell]

Congratulations!

Respectfully,

Brian P.

[Lycan 01]

That is awesome. So glad things worked out for you and your family. :smallsmile:

[Worira]

CONGLATURATION

http://media.giantbomb.com/uploads/0/475/277192-bigrigs_winner_super.jpg

[Nosferocktu]

Noise makers and giant confetti cannons for everybody!!!!

[Lady Moreta]

Lillith - that's fantastic! Best news I've heard all day :smallbiggrin:

Sounds like your dad might have been waiting for an opportunity to speak to your mum anyway. How wonderful that she's even going to go to therapy :smallbiggrin: couldn't have asked for a better outcome.

[Eadin]

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
*does the Kermit clap thingy*
Congrats:smallbiggrin:

[Lillith]

Thanks for the support and advice everybody! I'm really glad this ended so well as it did. :smallbiggrin: I'm really grateful for all the tips and support you've guys have given me. Now to prepare myself for the big move both mentally and physically. :smalleek:

[Lycan 01]

Have you already found/looked at a place? What's it like?

[Lillith]

Noes, I have to wait till things become vacant. Which is likely going to be around summer vacation time. I know where I want to live, but I'm gonna have to wait till space is available. I just conquered telling my very dominating mother that I want my own space and rules. :smallbiggrin: Hence all the cheering. I'm at the start of the process though, so I don't have anything yet except for my parents support.

[Lycan 01]

Well, I'm sure that when the time comes, there are plenty of people on here who can help you out with some stuff, like deciding on the best deals, advice on how to keep your apartment in shape, ways to save money, and of course, food. :smallbiggrin: