Strangest thing a doctor has ever said to you

[Balain]

So I was talking with some friends and an old story that makes me chuckle came up and thought I would share and see if anyone else has some good ones.

I had this rash on my shins and it just wasn't going away. So I go see the Doctor When I'm there my Doctor asks if I mind if a new intern sits in and watches, tries to diagnose, etc. I saw sure no problem.

So they both look at my legs and start to use doctor talk between the 2 of them which I only catch about 1/2 of. The intern asks if I'm allergic to anything, which I am, penicillin.

They go back to talking and the intern turns to me and asks, "Have you been rubbing cheese on your legs?"


Uhmm....wha?

[AsteriskAmp]

To me:
Did you happen to pee on the weird black mass?
(How I got temporary ear damage and burnt my scalp by playing with black home-made powder. And no, I used tap water to make it, I just happen to have a lot of it)

To a friend:
It shouldn't become blue unless you wear blue jeans without underwear.

To my mother:
I was creeped when your son knew what a Meckel Diverticulum was, I was further creeped when the intern at the room did not. Seriously, get him into med-school ASAP. (I happened to have an unhealthy interest in medicine since I was young and I had gotten a book on gastro for my birthday shortly before, I was 15 at the time)

[golentan]

I have one. Well, it's not so much strange as a funny thing that he said. Well, to my family when I was present. Well, I was an infant.

When I was born, I was pretty much average on all the metrics. By a couple months in, though, I had dropped all the way into the 10th percentile on body weight, length, and the like. So my folks asked him if there was anything wrong, or something they should be doing. And he looks my parents up and down, settles in, and says "Listen. You don't get a Great Dane by breeding two Dachshunds."

[thubby]

"don't worry, it's just blood"

[Necro_EX]

I was getting a routine checkup, nothing too odd. Well, as a part of that checkup my doctor (an older woman) decided to give me a physical examination, right? Well, she just happened to have her very attractive nurse in the room and I was going through puberty at the time, so I'll let your imagination fill in the blanks as to what happened. What the doctor then said was "Well, we're well in to puberty, aren't we?"

[AsteriskAmp]

"don't worry, it's just blood"

Well, it could be a number of fluids which you really don't want outside your body.

[thubby]

Well, it could be a number of fluids which you really don't want outside your body.

oh i dont disagree. i had popped a stitch in my sleep after my appendectomy (now that is something to wake up to :smalleek:) and if it had been the stuff holding my innards together as opposed to my... outards :smallconfused:, it could have been disastrous.
but no matter what the context is, that is just plain weird to hear from a doctor.

[Mauve Shirt]

"We'd like to see what happens in your brain when you're in pain."
I was in the epilepsy monitoring unit, my brain wired to a computer, on a lot of pain medication and not thinking too clearly. The medical students thought it would be great to poke me with sticks. The first test they wanted to do involved me listening to beeps over headphones and pushing a button when I heard a beep. Harmless and I did pretty well at it. Then a second guy comes in and says something like "Would you be willing to take a pain test?"
I didn't know what this entailed, but I didn't like the sound of it, so I said "Noooooo."
"I'll give you $100."
"Ok."
Then their machine didn't work and I got to keep the $100.

[grimbold]

I was getting a routine checkup, nothing too odd. Well, as a part of that checkup my doctor (an older woman) decided to give me a physical examination, right? Well, she just happened to have her very attractive nurse in the room and I was going through puberty at the time, so I'll let your imagination fill in the blanks as to what happened. What the doctor then said was "Well, we're well in to puberty, aren't we?"

using my assumption skills
the same thing happened to me once
when i had a really bad form of urinary tract infection
so it was like 3-4 times in one day
i almost died of embarressment

[Saint GoH]

"Actually, you are too uncoordinated to wink. Ever."

Annnnd

"You need to wear tighter jeans."

[Brainstomper]

And how did you get a six inch long screwdriver driven thru your right forearm?

[Admiral Squish]

Not said to ME, but mom told me about a doctor writing on an x-ray report:
"Eleven inch metallic object inserted into patient's left ear". He underlined and added an exclamation point. Very unprofessional.

[AsteriskAmp]

Not said to ME, but mom told me about a doctor writing on an x-ray report:
"Eleven inch metallic object inserted into patient's left ear". He underlined and added an exclamation point. Very unprofessional.

Actually there is a professional reason for underlining that.
MRI machines use magnets - metallic objects are magnetic.
It has happened before, and in certain countries were ambulance-chasing is common doctors have to be extra careful so that is one way to at least say they warned them when the are inevitably pulled to trial because he got shoved down a MRI machine and the the metallic objects went out through non-conventional spaces.

Also, remember that hospitals are pretty damn creepy places and they are rather depressing, one way to deal with this is gallows humour and X-ray reports aren't that accessible to the public so it has no ill intent against the patient.

Finally, if you shove a eleven inch metallic object down your ear, you've got it and much more coming.

[CynicalAvocado]

next time you impale yourself on , make sure it's not a rusty bolt.
(after stitches and a tetanus shot.)

[Lycan 01]

And how did you get a six inch long screwdriver driven thru your right forearm?

Story please?





"Oh, you've got Pneumonia! :smalleek:"

This is after he's been telling me for two weeks that my severe bronchitis will get better on its own. By this point, the stuff I was coughing up was flecked with blood...


Long story short, they X-Rayed me, sent me home, then called and told me I didn't have Bronchitis. But before I could ask which medicines I was supposed to take, they pretty much hung up. So I spent another week with Pneumonia, for a total of 3 weeks of illness, because I didn't know if I needed to take bronchitis or pneumonia medication. :smallannoyed:

[AslanCross]

And he looks my parents up and down, settles in, and says "Listen. You don't get a Great Dane by breeding two Dachshunds."

Same thing happened to my dad and stepmother. My youngest half-brother's pretty small for his age, and they were worried he wasn't growing fast enough. The pediatrician said "Well, it could also be genetic" or something along those lines. My dad's 5'5"; my stepmother's around 5'3", I think.

[Malfunctioned]

"You must have an incredible back."

I was there to see about my posture (I used to tend to lean backwards slightly whenever standing). I'm not sure why but I was asked to lean backwards until it stopped feeling easy. I can naturally lean backwards far enough to grab my own ankles with no problem and even walk around in this manner.

[onthetown]

I think the strangest thing, for me, was when I got run over by one of the horses at the barn while helping with a lesson; the horse had gotten spooked at a really loud banging noise. The doctor and nurses' response was just rife with total professionalism: they nearly died laughing.

For the record, the horse "ran me over" by knocking me to the ground, stomping on the back of my neck about two inches under my skull, and kicking me ten or fifteen feet away via hoof-to-shoulder contact before running off.

I didn't see why it was so funny... And aren't they supposed to, you know, not laugh at somebody who's in a lot of pain?

The strangest sort of funny moment was when a young, cute intern was feeling my shins and thighs for what the doctor said could be causing my pain, and he just randomly blurted out, "You have really muscular legs!" Then he turned really red and got all embarrassed. It made him even cuter. :smallwink:

[Lillith]

Not much what he said but what he did. He researched a weird black spot on my leg, poked at it. Mutters 'well this is interesting' and pulls out a two inch long thorn out of it. o.O

Me walking inside the doctors office with a sprained ankle. Apparently my walk was very silly.
Doctor: Oh my, did you get that walk patented yet?
Me: ....

[CynicalAvocado]

Me walking inside the doctors office with a sprained ankle. Apparently my walk was very silly.
Doctor: Oh my, did you get that walk patented yet?
Me: ....

cool doctor is cool

and by cool, i mean cheesy

[Kislath]

"....uhhmm.... were you ever abducted by aliens, that you can recall?"

He never explained it, but I think he was just kidding.

[mucat]

This one is from a surgeon friend of mine. Glad to say I was not the patient...



Maggots for debridement

(She's a good doctor. It was absolutely the right call.)

[Brother Oni]

Not much what he said but what he did. He researched a weird black spot on my leg, poked at it. Mutters 'well this is interesting' and pulls out a two inch long thorn out of it. o.O

I've pulled a piece of glass out of my wife's knee before. Apparently it had been in there for over a year - she remembered the accident where one of her sisters had dropped a glass.

Still it could have been worse - it could have been a botfly larvae (I think linking to videos of an extraction is against board rules, but googling it is easy enough).

[druid91]

"Err... Are you breathing?"

[AshDesert]

This one was an intern:

Him: "Where did you get this black spot?"
Me: "That's your job, I came in here for that."
Him *checks chart*: "Huh, I should look at these things more closely."

[Force]

OK, so I'm in Therapeutics class (I'm a nursing student) and we're talking about the various types of drainage...

Professor: Can anyone tell me what purulent drainage is?
Me: *raises hand* Pus, Professor.
Professor: That's right. Now, remember that we call it purulent drainage. *stern look* Next semester, when you go into the nursing home for clinical and have people with sores, do not write "pus-y drainage" for "purulent drainage" on their chart. The last time that happened, the patient-- and the family-- were not amused.
Us: ...?
Professor: Think about it.
Us: ... :smalleek: :smallamused:
Professor: Hee.

[Brainstomper]

Lycan

I spent 15+ years working in juvenile detention centers, pysch/eval wards and transtion group homes forsex offenders/severe behavioral disturbed youth.

In 1997 I told a kid that he couldn't take part in an activity b/c he arrived late on the unit from a visit. He got pissed and went to his room where he had hidden an 8 inch flat head screw driver that he had sharpened the tip on. He came out threatened methen attacked. I took the shot to the arm and the screwdriver got pushed thru my arm. At which point I kicked him in the sack and the other staff restrained him. I was given a writen warning by work for POSSIBLE use of excessive force and had to retake the hold and restraint class.

[druid91]

Lycan

I spent 15+ years working in juvenile detention centers, pysch/eval wards and transtion group homes forsex offenders/severe behavioral disturbed youth.

In 1997 I told a kid that he couldn't take part in an activity b/c he arrived late on the unit from a visit. He got pissed and went to his room where he had hidden an 8 inch flat head screw driver that he had sharpened the tip on. He came out threatened methen attacked. I took the shot to the arm and the screwdriver got pushed thru my arm. At which point I kicked him in the sack and the other staff restrained him. I was given a writen warning by work for POSSIBLE use of excessive force and had to retake the hold and restraint class.

But... He stabbed you in the arm with a screwdriver!!:smalleek:

[valadil]

I'm paraphrasing here, but my dermatologist is a strange dude. He was silently staring at my midsection for what I felt was an overly long amount of time. When I was about to ask what was up he was all like, "don't mind me, I'm just checking your moles. I can't help but stare at them."

"Well I guess you're in the right profession then."

A little too happily, "yes, yes I am."

[Lycan 01]

Lycan

I spent 15+ years working in juvenile detention centers, pysch/eval wards and transtion group homes forsex offenders/severe behavioral disturbed youth.

In 1997 I told a kid that he couldn't take part in an activity b/c he arrived late on the unit from a visit. He got pissed and went to his room where he had hidden an 8 inch flat head screw driver that he had sharpened the tip on. He came out threatened methen attacked. I took the shot to the arm and the screwdriver got pushed thru my arm. At which point I kicked him in the sack and the other staff restrained him. I was given a writen warning by work for POSSIBLE use of excessive force and had to retake the hold and restraint class.

That's insane. :smalleek:


I'm paraphrasing here, but my dermatologist is a strange dude. He was silently staring at my midsection for what I felt was an overly long amount of time. When I was about to ask what was up he was all like, "don't mind me, I'm just checking your moles. I can't help but stare at them."

"Well I guess you're in the right profession then."

A little too happily, "yes, yes I am."

And that's creepy. :smalleek:

[Serpentine]

Wish I could remember all Dr. Mum's stories... She once described to me the very technical medical terminology of "O-sign" *head back, mouth hanging open* = coma, and "Q-sign" *head back, mouth hanging open with tongue hanging out of side of mouth* = dead.
She also used to have an older man who came in all the time to show her his penis. She thinks he was lonely...
Oh, and she also had a woman who was a notorious hypochondriac. In the peak of the bird flu epidemic, she went to see her and insisted that she probably has bird flu. Mum asked her, "have you been kissing any birds lately? No? Then it's not bird flu."

The main story of hers was horrible and sad, so not really appropriate for this thread...

[AsteriskAmp]

Wish I could remember all Dr. Mum's stories... She once described to me the very technical medical terminology of "O-sign" *head back, mouth hanging open* = coma, and "Q-sign" *head back, mouth hanging open with tongue hanging out of side of mouth* = dead.
She also used to have an older man who came in all the time to show her his penis. She thinks he was lonely...
Oh, and she also had a woman who was a notorious hypochondriac. In the peak of the bird flu epidemic, she went to see her and insisted that she probably has bird flu. Mum asked her, "have you been kissing any birds lately? No? Then it's not bird flu."

The main story of hers was horrible and sad, so not really appropriate for this thread...

Hypochondriacs are dangerous, there is always a very real risk behind each of their panic visits, my grandfather was hypochondriac and he once annoyed them so much they checked him in and found he had prostate cancer, hypochondria saved his life.

Recently visited a Medical Post bringing in a careless child who decided that asphalt was a good place to jump to from a bike. And they began asking are you his brother, cousin, familiar, caretaker and then they paused and asked if I was the father, mind that at our ages that was pretty much impossible (age difference of 12 years)[They knew the difference because when I brought him in he gave his and I had given mine to the doctor for reasons beyond me]. There was an awkward silence and then I told them I just was passing by when a kid jumped from his bike and I just took him there, I didn't even knew his name, I have felt very uneasy since then.

[Brainstomper]

I've seen kids eat lightbulbs, stab themselves in the stomache with knitting needles b/c they thought they were pregnant with thier brothers baby,jump out the backof moving school buses, strip naked and cover themselves with a 1/4 of Crisco lard in thier room before coming out and throwing feces at us, eat bar soap, put bleach in my coffee, try to slide down power lines ala the movies and on and on.. The strangest thing I ever heard a doctor say to akid was "Why did you bet him $5 to hit you in the head with a bat/" 52 stiches and a cracked skull later.

[AsteriskAmp]

I've seen kids eat lightbulbs, stab themselves in the stomache with knitting needles b/c they thought they were pregnant with thier brothers baby,jump out the backof moving school buses, strip naked and cover themselves with a 1/4 of Crisco lard in thier room before coming out and throwing feces at us, eat bar soap, put bleach in my coffee, try to slide down power lines ala the movies and on and on.. The strangest thing I ever heard a doctor say to akid was "Why did you bet him $5 to hit you in the head with a bat/" 52 stiches and a cracked skull later.

Little kids tend to do idiotic things from time to time, I've had younger cousins juggling a Swiss army knife (cousin got the knife stuck on leg), play with a lighter and even eventually get themselves on fire. Try to eat materials or the final product on science fairs. My youngest sister once slept in a rotten piece of wood with nails, although that was partially my fault. Though there are also showmanship's of suicidal behaviour, like scissors and plugs (i was guilty of this), the sliding down power lines you mentioned, diving into the stairs at pools, going to the sea alone when younger than 6 years, etc...

[Brainstomper]

These were 12-18 year olds with severe behavioral issues. They hurt themselves on purpose to acheive a goal.

[Derjuin]

While I barely remember it, I do have faded memories of a doctor asking me something along the lines of "It's okay, the ninjas are gone, can you open your eyes?". The circumstances make the question make a lot more sense. :smalltongue:

[Admiral Squish]

Another one mom mentioned:

"You're looking damn good for someone who should be dead!"

[Trog]

Doctor, upon examining the area to be operated on: "Well now that's what we like to see." *cue female nurse turning red and smiling behind surgical mask*

While cutting me open:"Uh... Oh! ... You can feel that?" :smalleek:

While cutting me open, take 2:"You seriously can still feel that?" :smalleek::smalleek:

"Okay, now, you're going to smell a burning smell." *cue the smell of my own burning flesh.*

These were all during my vasectomy.

[CrimsonAngel]

"You must have an incredible back."

I was there to see about my posture (I used to tend to lean backwards slightly whenever standing). I'm not sure why but I was asked to lean backwards until it stopped feeling easy. I can naturally lean backwards far enough to grab my own ankles with no problem and even walk around in this manner.

Ahhh! Stay away from my limbo games!

[Syka]

I have a number (yeah, I get ill a lot).

When I broke my big toe and found out they couldn't really do much and pins, while an option, weren't necessary: "Just don't drop anything on your toe." :smallsigh:

At the doctors to check out my ankle, when I was a kid: "Has she broken her ankle before?" (Apparently I had...we just didn't know it...:smalleek:)

While I'm getting a check up from the dermatologist to make sure there isn't anything wonky: "You have really nice skin!" (I'm on the very fair side, but not goth or sickly pale. Just very fair to the point where I sunburn very easily. I only have one (slightly worrisome, but currently fine) mole and some light freckling, but for the most part my skin is clear. Still an odd and random comment since she sounded envious, lol.)

I also had an amusing one (well, several amusing ones) from my lady-bits doctor, but I'm unsure if they would be appropriate given the nature of the forum. Sadly. 'Cause they were funny, particularly in context with my situation. The censored version is something she mentioned as a benefit/reason for jealousy for some people...it was actually causing me a lot of grief. At least I didn't get offended, just amused. Grass is always greener and all that jazz.



Zeb, I can commiserate on the "why isn't the anesthesia working!?". Even though I don't actually REMEMBER the incident, apparently I kept coming out from anesthesia when I got a colonoscopy at 20 months. To the point they gave all they could safely, and I STILL wasn't staying out. Twenty plus years later, my body still vividly remembers the trauma, even if my mind doesn't. >>'

[RandomNPC]

My wife mentioned in passing that I had an infected, ingrown, toenail. On each foot.
Her doctor, without even knowing if I was real or not, said to have me cut the nail down the side as far as I could and rip it out myself.

Two and a half years later when I finally decide there's no way I can get to the root of it by myself (I'm stubborn) I go to a foot doctor.

Nurse: How do you even walk?
Me: I've learned
Nurse: In steel toe boots?
Me: Keeps things from landing on my toes.
Nurse: But... How? how do you even get those boots on your feet?
Me: practice.

She then proceded to go out into the more open area and scream across the office about the crazy huge infected toes on this guy the doctor needs to see. I was feeling fairly smarmy to have pulled off the above conversation, but I still think I should've given the doctor an earfull for his asistant telling the entire office my problems. This was back when patient confidentiality was just getting big, I probably could've caused some issues.

[super dark33]

"dont worry, it wont gonna hurt you"

[AshDesert]

To my dad: "You should drink whiskey more often."

[mucat]

To my dad: "You should drink whiskey more often."

Ten seconds earlier:

Patient: "Well, most days I drink a shot of arsenic, but sometimes I'll make it whiskey instead."

[/SMBC mode]

[KuReshtin]

At the doctors to check out my ankle, when I was a kid: "Has she broken her ankle before?" (Apparently I had...we just didn't know it...:smalleek:)


I got a similar comment from a doctor when I'd twisted my ankle quite badly while playing LaserQuest.

The ankle had swelled up pretty badly and I couldn't put any pressure on it at all, so they got some X-rays taken.
When the doctor came back with the results, he calmly stated that: 'Well, there only seems to be soft tissue damage from the sprain. However, there are some bone fragments floating about there as well, but that's not from yesterday's sprain.'
Me: 'Ooookay. so where would they be from, then?'
Doc: 'I dunno.'

And that was the end of that.
I'm pretty sure that I've never broken my ankle or any bones in my foot, but apparently, I stil have bone fragments floating about in there.:smalleek:

[thorgrim29]

Not me, but until he was born everyone thought my brother was a girl (confusing scans or something).

So when he was born, cue doctor: Huh, she has a penis.

The second one happened to me, just before I had my (4!) wisdom teeth pulled out The dentist/surgeon/person told me I looked calm. Guess I just have a really good pokerface, because I was incredibly stressed.

[Maroon]

During a physical, the doctor remarked I had an outstanding shoulder blade.

[Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll]

During a physical, the doctor remarked I had an outstanding shoulder blade.

Man, the only outstanding things I have are book fines. :smallfrown:

[onthetown]

"Okay, now, you're going to smell a burning smell." *cue the smell of my own burning flesh.*


Now that is a good doctor. Some just explain the procedure beforehand because they're legally required to, then spend the entire surgery completely silent while you wonder what the heck is going on. Explaining what they're doing as they go along can really alleviate anxiety for the patient. I've had two separate surgeries with local anesthetic, and the one where the doctor talked to me about what he was doing was definitely the better one.

[Ceric]

Now that is a good doctor. Some just explain the procedure beforehand because they're legally required to, then spend the entire surgery completely silent while you wonder what the heck is going on. Explaining what they're doing as they go along can really alleviate anxiety for the patient. I've had two separate surgeries with local anesthetic, and the one where the doctor talked to me about what he was doing was definitely the better one.

Really? I hated when he told me what was going on while I was getting my wisdom teeth out, and I asked him to stop. I trust that they'll get it out safely and leave me about the same as I was before (except better, obviously), so I don't want to hear about the holes they're drilling in my mouth or whatever. Bad enough when I opened my eyes at one point and was consious enough to realize the blood on their gloves was mine.

Although maybe it depends on the operation. I couldn't feel anything much in my mouth, but if I smelled burning flesh I might be worried.

[Claudius Maximus]

There must have been a bunch from when I was a crazy kid, but I can't really remember my childhood so I guess they're lost.

More recently, I went to the dentist to have some teeth extracted, and got this unfortunate statement:

"Well it's all infected, so the anesthesia won't work."

They were right.


Brush your teeth kids.

[WarKitty]

Really? I hated when he told me what was going on while I was getting my wisdom teeth out, and I asked him to stop. I trust that they'll get it out safely and leave me about the same as I was before (except better, obviously), so I don't want to hear about the holes they're drilling in my mouth or whatever. Bad enough when I opened my eyes at one point and was consious enough to realize the blood on their gloves was mine.

Although maybe it depends on the operation. I couldn't feel anything much in my mouth, but if I smelled burning flesh I might be worried.

I think this is one of those "just ask" things. I absolutely hate it when doctors tell me to look away from needles because they don't want me to jump or something. I am far, far worse about jumping if I can't see the needle.

[Lillith]

Not me, but until he was born everyone thought my brother was a girl (confusing scans or something).

So when he was born, cue doctor: Huh, she has a penis.

The second one happened to me, just before I had my (4!) wisdom teeth pulled out The dentist/surgeon/person told me I looked calm. Guess I just have a really good pokerface, because I was incredibly stressed.

That reminds me of my time at the dentist when I had to have my wisdom teeth removed. The dentist asked me to please relax already because I was making the chair shake. While not funny at that time it makes me lol now. He wasn't joking though.

[Ceric]

I think this is one of those "just ask" things. I absolutely hate it when doctors tell me to look away from needles because they don't want me to jump or something. I am far, far worse about jumping if I can't see the needle.

The slight problem in my case was that I was getting my wisdom teeth out and he couldn't understand me :smallbiggrin: The nurse understood it before he did and "translated" for him. He said it was unusual, too.

[Obrysii]

Not my doctor, but a doctor-friend: "How are you still alive?"

[Katana_Geldar]

Worst thing at the dentist is when they talk over you about trivial things.

[mucat]

Really? I hated when he told me what was going on while I was getting my wisdom teeth out, and I asked him to stop.

I normally like doctors to tell me what is going on during a procedure, but chatty dentists bug the hell out of me. I feel like I should try to hold up my side of the conversation, and my only tools for doing so are grunts and eye movements. I'd rather they just tell me in advance how much pain to expect, arrange a hand signal for "Hey that hurts," and another one for "That hurts way more than it's supposed to," and then not try to make conversation with me as they work.

I make exception for dentists who are really good at interpreting the incoherent noises a patient can make while their mouth is full of fingers. Then the conversation becomes kind of fun, like the dentist is pulling an impresive magic trick.


Dentist: So, read any good books lately?

Me: Gaarple zaaaf jurg ktaaanpa.

Dentist: I normally like his stuff, but that one lagged too much at the end.

Me: Verk waatorz staaalp?

Dentist: No, I think that was during the Kennedy administration.

[Katana_Geldar]

Not just that mouth is full of fingers, but lip is drooping and drooling thanks to local.

[AsteriskAmp]

Worst thing at the dentist is when they talk over you about trivial things.

Remember the poor man can't actually talk with many of his patient. My psychologist said he had had a number of dentists undergoing therapy and all of them take issue of the same - People normally don't socialize with their dentist, and that is actually depressing to them since many people go for routine checks but nobody stays to chat (or really can). That's their way of trying to socialize and get you to stay a bit after to chat before the next patient.

[Katana_Geldar]

Even if you physically can't talk? It's hard to eat after a local in the face, let alone speak. Good thing my mum had macaroni and cheese that night.

[Lycan 01]

Remember the poor man can't actually talk with many of his patient. My psychologist said he had had a number of dentists undergoing therapy and all of them take issue of the same - People normally don't socialize with their dentist, and that is actually depressing to them since many people go for routine checks but nobody stays to chat (or really can). That's their way of trying to socialize and get you to stay a bit after to chat before the next patient.

Wow, so those jokes about dentists being one of the most depressed/suicidal professions are true then? :smalleek:

That's actually kinda sad... Especially when you also consider how many people hate dentists, or how many kids are absolutely terrified of them. Can you imagine having a job that makes kids cry, no matter how nice you try to be? Must be really disheartening... :smallfrown:

[mucat]

Remember the poor man can't actually talk with many of his patient. My psychologist said he had had a number of dentists undergoing therapy and all of them take issue of the same - People normally don't socialize with their dentist, and that is actually depressing to them since many people go for routine checks but nobody stays to chat (or really can). That's their way of trying to socialize and get you to stay a bit after to chat before the next patient.

I'll gladly chat before the procedure, as we're getting ready. But once I can't talk anymore, don't make me feel socially obligated to try. (Unless, as I said before, the dentist is preternaturally skilled at understanding the random noises his/her patients can still make.)

As Katana points out, the anaesthetic makes it even worse. Every word becomes a chance to bite your tongue or cheek and not even know it until the novacaine wears off.

[Force]

Wow, so those jokes about dentists being one of the most depressed/suicidal professions are true then? :smalleek:

That's actually kinda sad... Especially when you also consider how many people hate dentists, or how many kids are absolutely terrified of them. Can you imagine having a job that makes kids cry, no matter how nice you try to be? Must be really disheartening... :smallfrown:

Or a pediatrician... -shivers- I see some of the junior level nursing students (I'm a sophomore) come back from their clinicals, where they've been giving immunizations, with long faces... apparently making kids cry for three hours on end is not fun. Doing it every day? Yikes.:smallfrown:

[Katana_Geldar]

Jelly beans help, as well as telling kids the truth. It IS going to hurt, but only for a little bit. I've heard of some doctors getting the kids to sing their favourite song as they put the needle in, while hugging Mum.

[WarKitty]

Oddly, the only time I remember really dreading the dentist they ended up being quite understanding. I'd been having a major depressive episode and my personal care had pretty much gone out the window, resulting in some issues. Once I explained the problem they were sympathetic and even gave me some lower-energy tips like keeping a bottle of mouthwash around.

[Katana_Geldar]

My dentist always gave out helium balloons when we went, so it made me look forward to going even when I had an extraction.

[PairO'Dice Lost]

When I was in first grade, I got the back of my head cracked open--a gash four inches or so wide, copious bleeding, the whole deal. I was rushed to the hospital, and while we were waiting for stitches my dad was trying to reassure me that everything would be fine. We heard the doctor walking down the hall sounding confident, and he used that as encouragement; the conversation apparently went something like this, as my dad related it to me later:

Dad: I told you, [name], it'll be fine. They can fix it right up.
Intern: Here's his chart.
Doctor: Thanks. He's still conscious, right? Shouldn't be that bad.
Dad: Listen to that, here comes the nice doctor right now. He doesn't sound worried, does he? You'll be fine. No problem. Just a few stitches and we'll head home.
Me: :smallfrown:
Intern: It doesn't look serious, but it's a pretty big one.
Doctor: He's, what, six? And it says here he was playing around with friends? What's the worst that could've happened?
Dad: Told you, nothing to worry about. The doctor doesn't think it's that bad.
Doctor (right outside the door): Here we are. Good evening, folks, sorry to keep you waiting--
*doctor walks into the room*
Doctor: --and what the hell happened to his head?
Me: :eek:

Cue me falling unconscious and waking up the next morning with ten stitches in my head and a cool scar.

[Katana_Geldar]

This thread puts me to find of my favourite scene from M*A*S*H: Charles with the marine with the pool ball stuck in his mouth.

[AsteriskAmp]

Wow, so those jokes about dentists being one of the most depressed/suicidal professions are true then? :smalleek:

That's actually kinda sad... Especially when you also consider how many people hate dentists, or how many kids are absolutely terrified of them. Can you imagine having a job that makes kids cry, no matter how nice you try to be? Must be really disheartening... :smallfrown:

It's literally impossible to know which is the most suicidal profession, you can't ask the dead if they killed themselves because of their career and also, most suicides aren't even recorded in a registry or anything.

However, it's a profession with documented issues in it's members.

There is a reason Dentists give lollipops to kids.

The other profession that normally springs to mind when the word depression is uttered would be paediatric oncologist. or any paediatric surgery.

[SiuiS]

Lady-bits doctor has now officially entered my vocabulary, as a much easier to spell and pronounce word form. Thanks!
---
"yep. You've got strep throat- so why are you here to see me?"
At the E.R. For some severe throat troubles. The answer was "because 'I self diagnosed myself, gimme antibiotics' doesn't work at most pharmacies."
The doc commiserated with me, and together we lamented hat I had to shell out 500+ for a $40 prescription and a twenty minute chat.

But wait! There's more;
"don worry, we won't cut you. The pieces are big enough to pull out, thankfully."
"wow, you're taking being stabbed really well!"
"you can feel that? Why are you still letting me work on you?!"
"no, you can't keep em, they're biohazards now"
had a molar break in half and become crazy infected. My roommate told me he just squeezed out the pus until it went away, and he got abscesses all the time. Like a rube, I believed him- turns out, abscesses get lethal REAL fast. I finally broke down and hit a clinic when my tennis-ball sized jaw would extrude about 2 oz. Of pus every 36 hours. The doctor/dentist was a really swell guy, and I think it helped that I was conversational. Te anesthetic didn't work, but I'd be damned If I was going to wait any longer-- I'd had the darned thing for over a year. Couldn't eat half the time, and whiskey stopped working to reduce pain/swelling.

"Well it's all infected, so the anesthesia won't work."

They were right.


Brush your teeth kids.

quoted for t'uth!

[ninjalemur]

"Come on! Blow it like a man!"

I was at a Lung and Sleep Clinic to try to figure out my sleeping problems, and they made me blow into a tube to test my lung strength. I kind of failed at it.

Also,
"If this is some new fancy disease, and it kills you. We'll name it after you"

[KuReshtin]

When I visited a dentist (Dr Heidi :smallbiggrin:) she did the whole talking to her nurse/assistant while working on my very dead tooth. I'd lost a filling and didn't bother to go have it looked at for about a year and a bit, and the cavity was big enough to get a whole peppercorn to fit comfortably.

Anyway, Dr Heidi and her nurse were discussing Dr Heidi's new Beemer that she'd bought and that she was considering installing a DVD in it.
Kind of tedious to listen to, but I didn't mind much since I got ear-boobed quite a bit while she was trying to extract the tooth.
And considering she was probably in her late 20s-early 30s and was very nice-looking, I wasn't complaining. :smallwink:

[Maxios]

This happened when I cut my hand open a couple years back:

Before the numbing shot
Doc: "Don't worry, this won't hurt [in referral to numbing shot]."
Me: "Doctor tell me the truth: Will this hurt so I can prepare myself?"
Doc *sighs* "Yeah. This is going to hurt."
Me: "Can you just give me the stiches without the shot?
Doc: "It will hurt a lot worse that way."
Me: *sighs* "Fine. Give me the shot."

Cue a couple moments later me practically yelling in pain. After the stitches were all said and done, the nurse put the largest glob of Neo Sporin on the wound. I was then given a bandage, and suggested to wear a sock on my hand for the night so I don't get Neo Sporin all over me.

[Dogmantra]

Well, it's my orthodontist and not reeaaaaally a doctor, but he was looking over all my teeth, giving commentary to his assistant, mostly incomprehensible stuff like "Four one erupted" then as he casually moved to the other side of my mouth he noted that I had an "incompetent lip" and that was that.

Now I have no idea what an incompetent lip is, but I felt slightly insulted. Then I almost bit his hand off from laughing.

[WarKitty]

My favorite:

My dermatologist had recommended a particular sunscreen. I tried it, and on my next visit I told him that it irritated my eyes. His response?

"Don't put it in your eyes."

[Ceric]

Then I almost bit his hand off from laughing.

That reminds me. Apparently I kept biting my dentist's hand during one operation and didn't know until he told me to stop. Hey, my jaw was numb.


I'm late to the discussion about depressed dentists and pediatricians, but our pediatrician always has the nurses give shots instead of himself.

[Sholos]

I've never minded dentists talking with their assistants over me. In fact, I kind of find it relaxing. Means everything is going fine and they're not worried.

As for doctors saying things to me, I almost always have someone ask if I'm okay after getting a shot for anything, mostly because I hyperventilate and shake (I do not deal well with needles).

[CoffeeIncluded]

Not strange, per se, but really bad timing:

Right before I was about to have blood drawn from my veins for the first time (I'm...Not good with needles) "You know, you have really thin veins."

[Kislath]

[ checks test results ] "Dude, when you feel better, come back in and let's check this again. If you weren't so sick, I'd have to look at this and say that you were really sick."

[Syka]

*My Asthma/Immunologist Doctor comes in to room. Looks at me, looks at my charts, looks back at me.*

"Are you a runner, perchance?"
"...no. My asthma is triggered by running."
"Well, you're lungs function as efficiently as a runner's."
"Oh?" *notes to self that she is there because she is having serious trouble breathing*
"Yeah. You're tests show that you're lungs are still functioning above average, although it's lower than you normally are."
"Makes sense."

*a little bit later*

"If I wasn't looking at you right now, I'd say you were having a panic attack. But people having panic attacks usually aren't falling asleep and lethargic."
"..."

Yeah...we still don't know what caused it, like 7 years later. And it STILL happens. But that was up there on "weird conversations".

[Bonecrusher Doc]

Wow, reading all these reminds me to watch what I say! And not say my thoughts out loud when I still haven't figured out what the diagnosis is!

When I was a physical therapy intern I had one patient who was a teenage female Private in basic training. I forgot to use layman's speak and I used this term:

Me: Blah blah blah provocative tests (http://www.mondofacto.com/facts/dictionary?provocative+test) blah blah.

Patient: <draws back sharply, eyes wide, then suddenly with a suspicious look> "Provocative?!"

Me: "......<Oh.> Not like that. Provoking pain."


My most hilarious story of misunderstanding between doctor and patient is this:

My physical therapy clinic in Iraq was a small room with two treatment tables. I had one patient lying down with his feet up in the air for a lumbar traction (http://www.greatlakes-physiotherapy.com/images/lumbartraction.jpg) treatment. The treatment takes 20 minutes and the soldiers were pretty sleep-deprived so sure enough he goes to sleep. I put up a portable curtain to give him a little privacy; only his feet stuck out past the curtain.

To save time I go ahead and call back my next patient. In retrospect this is probably a privacy violation to have the two patients in such close proximity, but hey, this was Iraq and it was just a knee sprain. This was my first visit with this next patient, a 19-year-old female Private. I start to ask her about her knee but she seems highly agitated, keeps glancing around and has trouble concentrating on my questions. Finally I say, "Private, what's going on? You seem awfully nervous about something." She leans forward, eyes big as saucers, jerks a thumb in the direction of the guy behind the curtain, and whispers tremulously:

"Is he dead?!"

[Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll]

Not strange, per se, but really bad timing:

Right before I was about to have blood drawn from my veins for the first time (I'm...Not good with needles) "You know, you have really thin veins."

Yeeeaaah, I don't have that problem. I have extremely prominent veins. Like, popping out prominent if I flex repeatedly. The doctor-person drawing blood from me said I was the easiest person to draw blood from ever.

[PairO'Dice Lost]

Yeeeaaah, I don't have that problem. I have extremely prominent veins. Like, popping out prominent if I flex repeatedly. The doctor-person drawing blood from me said I was the easiest person to draw blood from ever.

That reminds me--the last time I went to the doctor I had to get blood work done, and I hate needles due to a traumatic childhood experience involving them (long story). Anyway, I got a seemingly incompetent assistant doing the blood-drawing, and he had to root around in my arm for a while before finding the vein. I closed my eyes as soon as he pulled out the needle, and here's what I heard:

"All right, then, let's get you prepared."
*ties tourniquet*
"This shouldn't hurt a bit."
*JAB*
"Whoops, heh heh..."
*needle digs around*
"Sorry about that."
*takes out needle*
"Don't worry, I got this."
*JAB*
"Huh. Thought that was it."
*needle digs around*
"Should be here somewhere..."
*needle digs around*
"Guess not."
*takes out needle*
"Third time's the charm, I guess."
*JAB*
"Yes! Got it!"

Needless to say, when I needed a second set of tests done before heading back to college, I didn't go to that clinic again.

[mucat]

My physical therapy clinic in Iraq was a small room with two treatment tables. I had one patient lying down with his feet up in the air for a lumbar traction (http://www.greatlakes-physiotherapy.com/images/lumbartraction.jpg) treatment. The treatment takes 20 minutes and the soldiers were pretty sleep-deprived so sure enough he goes to sleep. I put up a portable curtain to give him a little privacy; only his feet stuck out past the curtain.

To save time I go ahead and call back my next patient. In retrospect this is probably a privacy violation to have the two patients in such close proximity, but hey, this was Iraq and it was just a knee sprain. This was my first visit with this next patient, a 19-year-old female Private. I start to ask her about her knee but she seems highly agitated, keeps glancing around and has trouble concentrating on my questions. Finally I say, "Private, what's going on? You seem awfully nervous about something." She leans forward, eyes big as saucers, jerks a thumb in the direction of the guy behind the curtain, and whispers tremulously:

"Is he dead?!"
And that's when you say sadly, "Yeah, I had to put him down. His knee was sprained."

[Killed to Death]

Does this specifically mean a doctor of medicine? Because I know people who have doctorates in other things, and say strange/funny things all the time

[Bhu]

weirdest conversation I've ever had:

Female Doc: "You need to lose weight. A lot of weight. As soon as you can."
Me: "I know, I've been trying. Nothing works."
Female Doc: "You tried sex?"
Me: "Pardon?"
Female Doc: "Sex. It burns tons of calories in a short time."
Me: "I...don't have a girlfriend."
Female Doc: "Oh. Well just find a woman who needs to lose some weight too, and do it three times a day. The two of you will be thin in no time."
Me: "Uh...yeah. I'll do that as soon as you tell me how to bring that up in conversation without me getting my butt kicked or put in prison."
Female Doc: "Oh come on how hard could it be?"
Me: "As an example? Hi ma'am, I need to lose some weight, and god knows you really need to lose a pound or two, so I have a proposition for you. Maybe I could go to the local walmart with a tshirt bearing the words 'Ladies! Need to lose weight? Ask me how."
Female Doc: "Yeah it does sound bad when you put it that way...maybe if you just walked half an hour a day?"
Me: :smallmad:

[Rockphed]

To save time I go ahead and call back my next patient. In retrospect this is probably a privacy violation to have the two patients in such close proximity, but hey, this was Iraq and it was just a knee sprain. This was my first visit with this next patient, a 19-year-old female Private. I start to ask her about her knee but she seems highly agitated, keeps glancing around and has trouble concentrating on my questions. Finally I say, "Private, what's going on? You seem awfully nervous about something." She leans forward, eyes big as saucers, jerks a thumb in the direction of the guy behind the curtain, and whispers tremulously:

"Is he dead?!"

She hadn't been out long enough to realize that sleep is a constant need to be fulfilled at every opportunity yet, had she?

[Asthix]

Ooh I've got a good one. My first girlfriend back in high school was a vegetarian. So, sure enough, I become a vegetarian. At my next checkup, my doctor says, "you've lost weight, have you been doing anything differently?" So I inform him of my recent vegetarianism, to which he replied, "Well, you may want to stop that. Or you may, um, die."

I believe the reaction was shock.

[mucat]

Ooh I've got a good one. My first girlfriend back in high school was a vegetarian. So, sure enough, I become a vegetarian. At my next checkup, my doctor says, "you've lost weight, have you been doing anything differently?" So I inform him of my recent vegetarianism, to which he replied, "Well, you may want to stop that. Or you may, um, die."

???

Either a foolish doctor, or a very rare medical condition...

[druid91]

Or perhaps a sudden change in diet combined with improper use of new diet?


IE HE switched foods, then didn't do vegetarian right?

I mean it's not quite as simple to non-vegetarians.

[mucat]

In that case, the best response is "Let's go over your diet," or "Let's set you up to talk to a nutritionist."

"Quit trying to eat healthy, or DIE!" kinda falls short of the mark. :smallwink:

[Lycan 01]

Isn't Vegetarianism a pretty tough diet, too, because you have to supplement all the stuff you lose from animal products? Which probably isn't easy. Especially if you go Vegan, in which case you lose meat, eggs, milk, cheese..... Basically the entire Meat and Dairy food groups. Which, yeah, could probably be bad for your health if it happened suddenly and not properly. :smalleek:

[golentan]

Vegetarian's pretty easy, actually. Cheese and Mushers and good protein pair foods covers you pretty well. Vegan is the tough one.

[SiuiS]

Vegetarian is "not eat meat", not "eat healthy". It's just as easy to eat healthy and be an omnivore as it is to eat healthy and cut out meat entirely.
Well, until you factor in will power and budgetary concerns.

Yeah, vegan would be difficult. I barely get enough nutrition consuming anything in reach; cutting 2/3rds of that out would kill me.

[rakkoon]

My ankle hurt after using a bicycle to get to work for a month.

Doctor: I cannot find what the problem is but get used to it, we're all getting older. And stop doing Martial Arts, start cycling.

I'm not kidding, his name was doctor Dumb.

2 months later my ankle was alright again, thank God for other (smart) doctors!

[horngeek]

In that case, the best response is "Let's go over your diet," or "Let's set you up to talk to a nutritionist."

"Quit trying to eat healthy, or DIE!" kinda falls short of the mark. :smallwink:

Okay, personal bugbear here: vegetarianism is not inherently superior to an omnivorous diet in terms of health, please don't claim it is.

[KuReshtin]

And please don't let this thread derail into another vegetarianism vs omnivorism thread. The previous ones haven't turned out well.

[SMEE]

Agreed. Let us keep discussing strange things doctors said to us rather than discussing diets.

[Eldan]

"You know, it looks weird, but it's not in any of my books, so it's probably not bad."

After I had a strange rash on my left calf which wouldn't go away. Wasn't read, didn't hurt or grow or anything and went away soon. Still, strange.

[Si-on]

When I was 7 I ran face first into a wall. I smashed the bones in my nose and was bleeding really badly, then passed out. I came round in the doctor's office. The Doc walked in took a look at me and said "Well, what can I do for you?" He thought he was funny.

[Teddy]

And that's when you say sadly, "Yeah, I had to put him down. His knee was sprained."


You have no idea how much even an obvious joke can affect people.

Point in case:
Several years ago, my family visited some friends where the mother in the family was a doctor. During the visit, I managed to get a splinter (don't quite remember where), and she offered to take it out with a needle. I had gone through that process once earlier with the school nurse and it didn't hurt, so I said so (mostly as a part of self-assurance), to which she jokingly responded (slightly paraphrased):

"Oh, but we don't do this the same way as those sissy school nurses."

This had me being terrified for her needle for several minutes before she could calm me down enough to get the splinter out (it didn't hurt), and all because of her silly joke.

[Serpentine]

Not me, but until he was born everyone thought my brother was a girl (confusing scans or something).

So when he was born, cue doctor: Huh, she has a penis.Apparently the thing with those scans is that if you can see a penis, then you can be pretty sure (but probably not 100% - could've been something else) it's a boy, but if you don't see a penis that doesn't mean anything either way.

Jelly beans help, as well as telling kids the truth. It IS going to hurt, but only for a little bit. I've heard of some doctors getting the kids to sing their favourite song as they put the needle in, while hugging Mum.My first injection that I can remember was done by my own mother. It... it didn't go well.
I once had my bones scraped by a needle as they tried to find my vein. It didn't hurt what with all the anaesthetic cream they had on my arms, but it certainly wasn't pleasant. Speaking of which...

Right before I was about to have blood drawn from my veins for the first time (I'm...Not good with needles) "You know, you have really thin veins."Me too. I make a point of telling the nurses every time I need blood taken out, "You can see my veins alright, but they're really hard to get. You'll probably have to leave the tourniquet on longer - other nurses have had to do that." One nurse put the tourniquet on, left it for longer than usual, took it off... and then had to put it on again later when the flow of blood stopped. That's the one who told me that my vein walls are thin and soft and thus harder to puncture or something. I always end up getting slapped a lot when I give blood...
Given all that, I'm actually pretty fine with injections and the like. I'm nervous about donating blood because of it, but when it comes to getting needles done I'm good at staying calm and relaxed, just so it hurts less. I always take advantage of it when the nurse chats and stuff, too.

Either a foolish doctor, or a very rare medical condition...Or he thought being a "vegetarian" meant just taking his usual diet and taking out meat, and the doctor was just exaggerating for effect or he had managed to get really, really unhealthy in a manner best alleviated by eating meat for the time being.

I heard a story once, possibly in one of my mum's medical magazines, that went something like thusly: A woman was going for a pap smear, and, running late but wanting to be "fresh" for the examination, grabbed a can of what she thought was deodorant and sprayed it on. The doctor set it up, had a look, paused, and then did his thing. At the end he told her noone had ever made themselves so pretty for him.
Turns out it was a can of glitter spray :smallbiggrin:

My mum once sorta violated my privacy a bit, but it was kinda nice... A girl at school I was semi-friendly with whom I admired a fair bit was seeing her about acne. Dr. Mum recommended Roacutane to her, but she was a bit iffy about it. So mum told her that I had been on it and hadn't had much trouble with it. Her response was "What, her? But she has great skin!"
(As an aside: if you have bad acne, for the love of all that is nice and fluffy go see a doctor about it! You don't have to put up with it and the resulting scars, there's treatments that really do work.)

[Asta Kask]

Not to me but to my father... and some other medical students. This was in the olden days, when professors where one step down from GOD.

Patient demo, with a professor of arm and hand surgery. Patient demo is when you have a patient present, so the students can get a look at an actual sick person. This person had a broken arm. So the professor takes a look at the arm, gives it a nice twist so that everyone can hear the bones scraping against each other, and the patient promptly faints. After elegantly cushioning the patient's head with his foot, the professor looks at the audience and says "the patient indicates pain."

TBF, he was a really good surgeon.