PDA

View Full Version : D&D Jokes: The Beginning



Welknair
2011-02-15, 10:17 PM
I noticed a lack of D&D jokes, though we have a surplus of motivators.


An elf, a human, a half-orc, and a dwarf are off adventuring and accidentally collapse a large building on a Sultan's harem. They are promptly captured and sentenced to death. The elf is put under the guillotine and the lever is pulled, but stops halfway down. The sultan decrees that it is a sign from the gods that he is meant to live and is let go. Then the human is put under the guillotine and the lever is pulled. Once again it stops halfway and he is let go. This repeats a third time with the Half-Orc. Then the dwarf is put under and the guillotine stops halfway down for the fourth time. Just as the Sultan is about to let him go, he says "Ach, I see the problem!"

A group of eight wizards walk into a room occupied by a single table on top of which is half of a glass of water. Each has a different response.
Evoker: Wow, someone managed to blow out half of the water with a spell so accurate as not to damage the glass!
Conjurer: Hmm. I think someone summoned half of your glass of water. Or perhaps you only did half of the spell...
Illusionist: How did you make only half of the water invisible?
Diviner: What powerful magic is this that I cannot locate the other half's whereabouts?
Abjurer: I have a spell to protect against evaporation, you know...
Necromancer: Half of the water is gone. The world is thus deprived of one more half of a glass of water, the life-giving sustenance that all creatures depend upon. THIRST AND DIE! BWAHAHAHA
Transmuter: The glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
Enchanter: There is no glass.

Looking for more!

rayne_dragon
2011-02-15, 10:31 PM
This is the first D&D related joke I ever heard:

An elf, a gnome, and a dwarf all happen to be in the tavern's bathroom at the same time. The elf finishes first and goes to wash his hands. He washes his hands thoroughly, all the way up to the elbows. Then he turns to the others and says "We elves are the greatest race, for we are always clean." with the sneering superiority only an elf can muster. By this time the gnome had finished and he goes and washes just the tips of his fingers. Then he turns to the others and says "We gnomes are the greatest race, because we are frugal and conservative." Then the dwarf finishes and on his way out of the bathroom tells the other two: "Dwarves are the greatest race because we don't urinate on ourselves."

navar100
2011-02-16, 06:06 PM
A human and an elf walk into a bar. The halfling walks under it.

golentan
2011-02-16, 06:20 PM
The PCs are trapped in a castle by a Lich. The villain stands outside and casts a spell, and when the PCs ride out to confront him oozing yellow hands rise from the moat and TPK them. So, they draw up new characters and systematically try to beat them. The Sorcerer tries blasting them, but uses up all his spell slots without visible damage. The Wizard tries researching an appropriate counterspell, but the Lich's caster level is too high. The Druid tries wildshaping into a bird and flying away, but the fingers catch him before he clears the wall: their area of effect is a sphere. The bard tries charming them, but they're mindless. The ranger tries to use his archery feats but they benefit from cover of the water. The rogue tries sneaking past them, but their blindsight negates it. The cleric tries turning them, but they have too many hit dice. The barbarian and monk try using their fast movement rate to get clear of the area before being killed, but the fingers have readied actions. Finally, the PCs are down to their last options: A Fighter and a Paladin. They draw up the characters and ride out to their doom. And past their doom. They clear the moat without so much as a glimpse of the evil hands. The players look at the DM in shock and ask why. He says that they have immunity because their backstories specified that they were training to be knights.

The moral of the story being: Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.

Percival
2011-02-16, 06:30 PM
The moral of the story being: Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.

That was supposed to be funny?

Kaun
2011-02-16, 07:16 PM
A large % of dnd jokes are just reworded raciest jokes.

Zeofar
2011-02-16, 09:06 PM
An elf, a gnome, and a dwarf all happen to be in the tavern's bathroom at the same time. The elf finishes first and goes to wash his hands. He washes his hands thoroughly, all the way up to the elbows. Then he turns to the others and says "We elves are the greatest race, for we are always clean." with the sneering superiority only an elf can muster. By this time the gnome had finished and he goes and washes just the tips of his fingers. Then he turns to the others and says "We gnomes are the greatest race, because we are frugal and conservative." Then the dwarf finishes and on his way out of the bathroom tells the other two: "Dwarves are the greatest race because we don't urinate on ourselves."

I hate this joke and all variations of it, simply because it doesn't work.


That was supposed to be funny?

I found it was pretty funny just because of how weirdly unfunny it is.

Sir_Mopalot
2011-02-16, 09:14 PM
It's a play on the phrase "let your fingers do the walking through the yellow pages"

An elf and a dwarf are eating in a restaurant. The waiter comes up to take their order. The dwarf says "I'll have a mug of dwarfish ale and a steak". The waiter replies
"And for the vegetable?"
"He'll have a steak too, and he'll like it"

Kaun
2011-02-16, 09:30 PM
It's a play on the phrase "let your fingers do the walking through the yellow pages"

Does they yellow pages exist outside Aus excuse my ignorance?

Percival
2011-02-16, 09:34 PM
It's a play on the phrase "let your fingers do the walking through the yellow pages"

Can't say as I've EVER heard that saying.

Chilingsworth
2011-02-16, 09:34 PM
Does they yellow pages exist outside Aus excuse my ignorance?

Yellow Pages (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yellow_Pages)

There you go. Sorry, at least in the US, we kinda take them for granted. They're more-or-less synonomous with "phone book," here.

Dust
2011-02-16, 09:38 PM
You ever notice how the more hyperactive and inattentive the villain, the more powerful they seem?

It's because they have 80 HD.

Bibliomancer
2011-02-16, 09:38 PM
Can't say as I've EVER heard that saying.

The yellow pages are a common phrase for the advertisements section of the phonebook in North America. I've heard the phrase (or something similar) in here in Canada a few times, but I'm not certain how common it is in the United States.

It is (to my knowledge) a fairly new advertising slogan for the yellow pages.

Sir_Mopalot
2011-02-16, 09:39 PM
Probably. I don't really know what the equivalent would be for you I'm afraid.

starwoof
2011-02-16, 09:42 PM
I heard this one a while ago from these forums.

Human: Hey elf, you look like a girl.
Elf: To a human, everything must look like a girl.
Human: What?
Elf: Half-orcs, half-ogres...
Human: ... shut up.
Dwarf: Half-dragons, half-kobolds.
Human: I said shut up!
Elf: ...
Dwarf: ...
Human: ...
Elf: Centaurs.

Lord Loss
2011-02-16, 09:48 PM
An orc runs up to a cleric with another orc in his arms. He is badly hurt, perhaps even dead. "Help me!" says the orc "I think my friend just died! Is there anything you can do?". Looking puzzled, the cleric says "Lay him down" Once this has been done, he begins to examine the body. "let's make sure he's actually dead first" he mutters. The orc nods, draws his sword and stabs him friend, before asking: "Okay, now what do we do?".

Swordguy
2011-02-16, 10:15 PM
Sure, I've collected a few...

.............

Q: Do you know where to first copper wire came from?

A: Two dwarves picked up a copper piece at the same time!

.............

What do beauty and disintegrating rays have in common? They're both in the eye of the beholder.

............

An elven wizard walks into a component shop and asks the merchant for a nice, ripe pound of brains.
"I have 3 different kinds," the merchant says. "Human, Dwarf and Orc."
"How much for the human?" the elf asks.
"8 gold." replies the merchant.
"Ah. Not bad," says the elf. "Dwarf may be a bit cheaper, eh?"
"Aye," says the merchant. "6 gold."
"Hmm.. nice. How about the orc brains?"
"600 platinum," says the merchant.
"600 platinum!!" exclaims the wizard. "Why in the hell are orc brains so expensive?!"
To which the merchant replies "Do you know how many orcs I have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"

....................

"Two elves walked into a bar. Now there's a Bar Elf sub-race."

................

A drow, a tiefling, and a half-orc are standing on the roof of a burning building. Their only possible escape is to jump into a blanket held by a group of humans on the streets below.

The drow is the first to approach the edge. "Jump!" yell the humans. "It's your only chance!"

Seeing no other alternative, the drow jumps off the roof. The humans pull away the blanket, leaving the drow to splat on the street, dead.

Next is the tiefling. "Come on, you have to jump!" the humans shout.

"I don't think so," the tiefling responds. "You're just going to pull away the blanket and leave me to die!"

"No we're not!" the humans yell back. "It's just drow we don't like. We're fine with tieflings!"

Convinced, the tiefling jumps off and goes splat as the humans pull back the blanket.

Only the half-orc remains on top of the burning building. "Hurry up and jump or you're gonna burn!" the humans shout.

"Nothing you humans say is gonna convince me you won't pull away the blanket," the half-orc responds. "So before I jump, I want you to set the blanket on the ground and back away."

...................

A half-orc walks into a bar high up in one of the towers of Sharn and starts drinking. After tossing back quite a few, he notices a small crowd gathered around a handsome blonde paladin at the end of the bar as he tells a story.

"I swear on Pelor's honor, I've done it myself - if you jump out that window over there, you'll fly three times around the building and land safely on the ground by the door! It's the powerful winds that blow around these high towers - they're strong enough to carry a fully-armored person..."

Everybody just laughs, but the paladin insists he's serious.

Several hours go by, as the half-orc gets deeper and deeper into his cups, and every so often the golden-haired paladin tells his story to a new group of admirers who've just come in. Every time he keeps insisting that the high winds blowing around the towers will catch a man jumping from the window and deposit him safely on the ground.

So the half-orc, who's very drunk by now, eventually wanders over to the paladin and says,"Hey, you, gold-hair, you tellin da truth? You can really fly juz by jumpin out dat window?"

"Sir," says the paladin,"I am a paladin of Pelor - I do not lie. I can indeed jump out the window, and fly three times around the building before I land safely by the door."

"Oh, yeah, little man? Lessee ya prove it."

And with a hearty laugh, the plate-armored paladin strides up to the window and dives out head first.
The stunned half-orc rushes to the window to see the tall blonde man indeed flying three loops around the tower before landing safely.

When the paladin comes back into the bar, the half-orc says,"Hey, little man, you say anybody can do dat? You said it sumptin bout da high winds cuz o' da towers?"

"I did indeed, my good green friend - you should try it yourself."

The half-orc isn't too sure, since he doesn't really like heights, but after a few more encouraging words from the golden-haired paladin he finds himself perched on the window ledge.
The half-orc spreads his arms like a bird as he prepares to soar, and leaps out into the air. Only to plummet sixteen stories onto the street outside.

As the paladin chuckles softly to himself and walks back to the bar, the bartender grumbles, "Y'know, Kellar, for an Aasimar, you're a real jackass...

......................

An elf, a goblin, and a dwarf have found a genie's lamp. The genie tells them that it will give each of them one wish - whatever they desire will come to pass. The goblin scratches his head and says "Well, everyone's always killing my people. I wish we had a homeland of our own, where we wouldn't be bothered by other peoples." POOF. The goblin is gone. Then the elf makes his wish - "I wish my people were restored to the land of our past, to the glory of the old elven empire." POOF. The elf is gone. Now it's the dwarf's turn. The genie asks him what he wants.
"Er... `scuse me, but did you just teleport all the elves from this land?" The genie nods. "And all the goblins?" It nods again. The dwarf nods sagely.
"I'll have an ale."

...................


Why should human men marry elven women?
Because with any luck, he'll be dead before she turns into her mother...

.................

An elf, a human, a halfling and an orc are walking along the city streets. They come to the elvish section of town and the elf exclaims 'Now here you have a fine example of neo-Third Age architecture!'. The orc shakes his head and the four walk on. When they come to the human part of town, the human says 'Ah, but we have built in the finest neo-Classical style'. Again, the orc shakes his head and they all walk on. Approaching the Orc part of town, they pass by a large hovel which promptly grows tentacles, snags the elf and human, and devours them. As they run away the halfling looks at the orc. "What kind of architecture is THAT?!"

The orc looks at the halfling. "Neo-otyugh."

Vknight
2011-02-16, 10:34 PM
I've read mos t of these before but there still good to reread.

I'll see If I can find new meat.

Marillion
2011-02-16, 10:56 PM
You ever notice how the more hyperactive and inattentive the villain, the more powerful they seem?

It's because they have 80 HD.

:smallannoyed:

I hate you for making me laugh at that.

:smalltongue:

Kerrin
2011-02-16, 11:59 PM
Q:What's the sound of a bard landing on his lute atop a trash pile?
A: A good start.

Q: What's the difference between an onion and a lute?
A: Nobody cries when you cut up a lute.

Q: How do you keep two bards in tune?
A: PK one.

Lord Raziere
2011-02-17, 12:43 AM
A human runs up to a druid with his dead wife
"my wife is dead! can you resurrect her?"
"I'm sorry, but I can only cast reincarnate and she will be a different race when she comes back to life."
The human then takes his dead wife to a wizard.
"My wife is dead! can you bring her back to life, wizard?"
"I'm sorry but arcane magic can only do undead and that is evil."
The human then takes his dead wife to a cleric
"Please! can you bring her back to me!?"
"I'm sorry but I don't have the diamond needed to perform the spell."

Then suddenly a red mage comes along, whips out a feather and shouts
"PHOENIX DOWN!"
and the wife comes back to life.

JaronK
2011-02-17, 03:59 AM
You ever notice how the more hyperactive and inattentive the villain, the more powerful they seem?

It's because they have 80 HD.

Worst (and yet funniest) in the thread

JaronK

boj0
2011-02-17, 05:18 AM
A group of adventurers is about to embark on a quest to infiltrate an Ogre fortress, however they are very low-leveled and know that it would be suicide to run in without preparation.

While discussing strategies at the local tavern the bartender approaches them and says, "You know, it aint much of my business, but what it seems you fine folks need is a gully dwarf," The party looks at him in disbelief. "A gully dwarf makes for a great scout because they are very small, too dumb to feel fear, and loyal as a trained dog." After some deliberation, the party agrees and goes out to hire a gully dwarf.

When all the planning was finished, the equipment obtained, and the gully dwarf hired, the party set off to enter the fortress. When they arrived the rogue quickly gained access to a side entrance and the party began to explore while keeping a look out for ogres.

After a bit of exploring, the group came to a very large door with noises coming form the other side; deciding to see if the investment was worth it, the party sends the gully dwarf to investigate. He slips through the ogre sized door and comes back after a short while. The wizard asks him what he saw. The gully dwarf responded "Two ogres." Having a numerical advantage, they decide to rush in and combat the monsters; the surprise round gives them a great advantage and sure enough they defeat the two ogres.

This went on for a few more rooms, the gully dwarf going in and every time he returned, "Two ogres." This seemed a little odd, but sure enough, every room had two ogres who fell with minimal injury to the adventurers.

When most of the fortress had been cleared, the group reached the last door; feeling confident in the new team mascot, they send the gully dwarf into the final room to see what was in there. It took several minutes, almost an hour for the little guy to get back, but he finally returned with the same look in his eye and reported his findings, "Two ogres." The group was a little hesitant, but he had been right every single time up to this point, so they went into the room expecting another quick scuffle.

When the team walked in, their hearts dropped as soon as the door shut behind them; this was the mess hall, and there were dozens of ogres. I shall spare you the bloody details, but things did not go well for the party; after all was said and done, only the rogue managed to escape and return to town. The rogue, clutching his bloody and broken body managed to make his way back into the tavern.

When he entered, he went straight to the barkeep and told him what had happened, he was to weak to throttle the man for lying to him, but in his rasping breaths the rogue made sure to let him know the treachery that he had caused. After a deep breath and a slight chuckle, the barkeep replies, "You know, you're not too smart yourself if you don't remember that a gully dwarf is too stupid to count past two."

MarkusWolfe
2011-02-17, 12:12 PM
You ever notice how the more hyperactive and inattentive the villain, the more powerful they seem?

It's because they have 80 HD.
http://www.whatsoniphone.com/screen_dumps/BaDumChing_Rimshot_Punchline_Drumroll_Sound_Engine .jpg

Now let's see, what have I got.....

A bard and a barbarian were searching in the frozen north for a MacGuffin. They soon learned that an Amazon queen has captured the MacGuffin, was holding it hostage for a handsome man's hand in marriage to her only daughter, who was kind of a dumb blond. Now, not to say that this Amazon princess wasn't a good looker, but the royal marriage ritual included a.....caveat. Specifically, if the groom could not pin his bride for 30 seconds, then he would be bound to stay with the Amazons forever. Of course, if he could pin her, then he was allowed to go on his way and take his new wife with him, but this happened very infrequently because the royal family deliberately picked men who were poor wrestlers.

So they put their heads together to arrange a scheme that didn't involve the getting stuck with the Amazons forever. At first, they cannot come up with anything. So they decided to sneak into the castle of the Amazon queen and eavesdrop on her dinner conversation. Tiptoeing very lightly, they put their ears to the door of the royal dining hall and heard this exchange between mother and daughter:

"So what's worse? A man with webbed toes or a man who is flat footed?"
"Oh, definitely the flat footed man. It would be better for you to be pinned by your groom than to marry a flat footed man."

The bard gets an idea, and they sneak back out. After a few hours of scheming, they went before the Amazon queen. The bard offered the following proposition: In return for the MacGuffin, the princess could marry one of them.....but she would have to pick her husband by his feet and by his feet alone, and furthermore she must observe their feet without them noticing her presence. The queen accepts this proposition.

The bard and the barbarian are lead into a room by the priest, where they have cotton stuffed in their ears. After they turn their backs to the doorway, the princess slinks into the room with the grace of a jungle cat, and goes unheard. She looks both men over for a while and was about to indicate that she wanted the bard when a thought occurred to her. She then indicated the barbarian. Upon having the cotton removed from his ears and being told she picked him, the barbarian turns around and manhandles the princess into a 30 second pin while they both make their vows.

The queen, who saw this entire procedure, is filled with rage and confusion. However, she fulfills her end of the bargain and hands the bard the MacGuffin. Before the bard and the barbarian leave with MacGuffin and princess in hand, she asks her daughter a single question:

"Why did you choose this man over the one half his size?"

To which she answered:

"Because the smaller man was flat footed!"

EccentricCircle
2011-02-17, 01:38 PM
A Fighter, a Wizard, a Cleric and a Rogue arrive at the entrance to a dungeon
making their spot checks they can see a long, narrow hallway stretching ominously into the darkness, and just at the edge of sight the glint of gold.
the fighter smiles with an avaricious glint in his eye, "well i'd better go first seeing as i'm the strongest" he says. "we might be ambushed."
the wizard meanwhile can't take his eyes off the gold. "no, no, no" he says huridly. "I'm sure I can see some runes on that far wall, I'm the smartest, I should go first, and check its not some sort of magical puzzle!"
the cleric shakes his head, "this is a place of darkness" he says, thinking about the new Mace he could buy if he could get to the gold first. "I'm the holiest here. I should go first so that the power of my god will protect me!"

as they begin to bicker the Rogue leans against the wall of the tunnel entrance and folds his arms.
"well I'm going last" he says "because I have the most sense"

Percival
2011-02-17, 01:38 PM
The yellow pages are a common phrase for the advertisements section of the phonebook in North America. I've heard the phrase (or something similar) in here in Canada a few times, but I'm not certain how common it is in the United States.

It is (to my knowledge) a fairly new advertising slogan for the yellow pages.

I know what the goddamn yellow pages are, but I've never heard of the phrase "let your fingers do the walking through the yellow pages". Who the hell even uses the phone book anymore?

Tyndmyr
2011-02-17, 02:46 PM
I know what the goddamn yellow pages are, but I've never heard of the phrase "let your fingers do the walking through the yellow pages". Who the hell even uses the phone book anymore?

I've heard it. Like...once. I live in the US. Still pretty sure it's not funny.

golentan
2011-02-17, 02:52 PM
So, I'm getting that apart from the fact that nobody got it, and those who got it didn't find it funny, it was a pretty good joke. That's good to know. :smallfrown:

Kaww
2011-02-17, 03:00 PM
So, I'm getting that apart from the fact that nobody got it, and those who got it didn't find it funny, it was a pretty good joke. That's good to know. :smallfrown:

:hug:

I don't know any jokes that are acceptable for these boards. All I have to say is Elves cause cancer...

Master_Rahl22
2011-02-17, 03:23 PM
A bard and a barbarian were searching in the frozen north for a MacGuffin. They soon learned that an Amazon queen has captured the MacGuffin, was holding it hostage for a handsome man's hand in marriage to her only daughter, who was kind of a dumb blond. Now, not to say that this Amazon princess wasn't a good looker, but the royal marriage ritual included a.....caveat. Specifically, if the groom could not pin his bride for 30 seconds, then he would be bound to stay with the Amazons forever. Of course, if he could pin her, then he was allowed to go on his way and take his new wife with him, but this happened very infrequently because the royal family deliberately picked men who were poor wrestlers.

So they put their heads together to arrange a scheme that didn't involve the getting stuck with the Amazons forever. At first, they cannot come up with anything. So they decided to sneak into the castle of the Amazon queen and eavesdrop on her dinner conversation. Tiptoeing very lightly, they put their ears to the door of the royal dining hall and heard this exchange between mother and daughter:

"So what's worse? A man with webbed toes or a man who is flat footed?"
"Oh, definitely the flat footed man. It would be better for you to be pinned by your groom than to marry a flat footed man."

The bard gets an idea, and they sneak back out. After a few hours of scheming, they went before the Amazon queen. The bard offered the following proposition: In return for the MacGuffin, the princess could marry one of them.....but she would have to pick her husband by his feet and by his feet alone, and furthermore she must observe their feet without them noticing her presence. The queen accepts this proposition.

The bard and the barbarian are lead into a room by the priest, where they have cotton stuffed in their ears. After they turn their backs to the doorway, the princess slinks into the room with the grace of a jungle cat, and goes unheard. She looks both men over for a while and was about to indicate that she wanted the bard when a thought occurred to her. She then indicated the barbarian. Upon having the cotton removed from his ears and being told she picked him, the barbarian turns around and manhandles the princess into a 30 second pin while they both make their vows.

The queen, who saw this entire procedure, is filled with rage and confusion. However, she fulfills her end of the bargain and hands the bard the MacGuffin. Before the bard and the barbarian leave with MacGuffin and princess in hand, she asks her daughter a single question:

"Why did you choose this man over the one half his size?"

To which she answered:

"Because the smaller man was flat footed!"

Was there a punchline here? If A then B; A, therefore B is not a joke, it's a logic proof.

Oh, and I've got one. So an adventuring party came upon a Gazebo... :smalltongue:

Douglas
2011-02-17, 03:26 PM
Was there a punchline here? If A then B; A, therefore B is not a joke, it's a logic proof.

Oh, and I've got one. So an adventuring party came upon a Gazebo... :smalltongue:
The joke is about the definition of "flat footed". The bard was flat footed because he was not aware of the princess. The barbarian was not flat footed because he had Uncanny Dodge.

Dust
2011-02-17, 04:16 PM
I'm sorry for this one in advance. It might not be funny, but at least it's original.

A young wizard, eager to prove himself and his abilities at the local Arcane Guild, spent his nights practicing all sorts of different types of magic. Finally, he settled on the idea that he'd produce a never-before seen golem to impress the elders. He quickly discovered very few possibilitie were left; flesh golems had been done hundreds of times before, bone golems were in some obscure sourcebook, and the list continued. Coal golems? Gingerbread golems? There was nothing left.
Finally he decided upon an idea, and used negative magic to grant life to piles of wool, yarn, and string. The golem went over poorly with the council, however, and it was decreed the apprentice would be banished. One of the elders went so far as to take the young wizard's membership card and torch it with a fireball.

He had his membership evoked for thread necromancy.

No brains
2011-02-17, 04:25 PM
He had his membership evoked for thread necromancy.

That was SO Canadian of you.

What do you call Grendel's Greek cousin who attacked where all the smart guys talked?

A forum troll!

*shepherd's crook yanks from stage*

super dark33
2011-02-17, 04:39 PM
Nice one, Dust! *bites*

Fiery Diamond
2011-02-17, 06:32 PM
Was there a punchline here? If A then B; A, therefore B is not a joke, it's a logic proof.

Oh, and I've got one. So an adventuring party came upon a Gazebo... :smalltongue:


The joke is about the definition of "flat footed". The bard was flat footed because he was not aware of the princess. The barbarian was not flat footed because he had Uncanny Dodge.

Yep. I think that Master_Rahl may not have understood we were dealing with two different definitions of flat-footed: the one in the mother-daughter discussion is a physical description of the feet, while the one the daughter used in choosing the groom was the game term.

Shinigaze
2011-02-17, 11:13 PM
An elf a human and a bard walk into a bar and each order an ale. Just when they get their drinks a fly lands in each one. The elf, pushes his drink away and says "no thank you", the human sloppily fishes the fly out and proceeds to gobble the ale down, the dwarf gingerly picks up the fly out of his ale, brings it up to his face, and yells "SPIT IT OUT!!!!"

Chilingsworth
2011-02-17, 11:19 PM
An elf a human and a bard dwarf walk into a bar and each order an ale. Just when they get their drinks a fly lands in each one. The elf, pushes his drink away and says "no thank you", the human sloppily fishes the fly out and proceeds to gobble the ale down, the dwarf gingerly picks up the fly out of his ale, brings it up to his face, and yells "SPIT IT OUT!!!!"

Fixed it for you.

Shinigaze
2011-02-18, 12:10 AM
Haha oops, didn't see that, thanks for the fix.

Knightofvictory
2011-02-18, 01:26 AM
Heres a few, I liked to steal/create them for whenever my players visited a certain hafling NPC as kind of a running gag. These will probably give more groans than chuckles.:smallbiggrin:

How do you keep a halfling from taking your money?
Wear your coin pouch around your neck.

How many halflings does it take to light a lantern?
How should I know, they keep taking the darn lantern!

How many dwarves does it take to light a lantern?
Two, one to light it, and another to argue about how much better he could have done it.

How many tieflings does it take to light a lantern?
Who knows, they'd rather sit around in the dark and mope.

How many drow...
Two. One to light it and another to stab him and take the credit.

How many elves...
At least a dozen to properly contemplate the lighting, write a poem about the lighting, and perform a ceremony for the lighting. And I hope you aren't in any hurry to get it lit...

Alternatively, how many elves...
Three. One to light it and another to confuse the issue.

How many orcs...
About twenty before one of them figures it out or sets it on fire by accident.

How many half-orcs...
Twice as many as above, naturally.

How many half-elves does it take...
Only one! I guess they ARE good for something!

Cerlis
2011-02-18, 01:44 AM
A human and an elf walk into a bar. The halfling walks under it.


now thats good. made me chuckle.


You ever notice how the more hyperactive and inattentive the villain, the more powerful they seem?

It's because they have 80 HD.

this one is also Hi-larious

Heliomance
2011-02-18, 02:54 AM
I liked the yellow fingers one :smallfrown:

Morrolan
2012-11-22, 06:55 AM
What do you get when you kill a displacer beast with a fireball?

An allovertheplace-r beast

TuggyNE
2012-11-22, 07:21 AM
What do you get when you kill a displacer beast with a fireball?

Ahem. Someone needs their membership evoked? :smalltongue:

hymer
2012-11-22, 07:27 AM
I don't get the 80 HD one. Anyone care to explain? Assume for the purposes of this explanation I barely speak English and don't have access to any applicable culture, please.

I only have my two standard ones to fall back on:

How do you get a one-armed orc down from a flag pole?
You wave at him

How do you recognize the goblin among the pirates?
He's got a patch over both eyes

Anyone recognize them?

Craft (Cheese)
2012-11-22, 08:26 AM
I don't get the 80 HD one. Anyone care to explain? Assume for the purposes of this explanation I barely speak English and don't have access to any applicable culture, please.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attention_deficit_hyperactivity_disorder

He has ADHD. Get it?

hymer
2012-11-22, 08:28 AM
Very droll. Thanks for the explanation. :)

Burner28
2012-11-22, 05:11 PM
The jokes here are really good!:smallbiggrin:

Kerrin
2012-11-22, 07:00 PM
A lawful-good character, a neutral character, and a chaotic-evil character walk into a tavern, and the barkeep says, "What is this, some kinda joke?"

QuidEst
2012-11-22, 07:14 PM
Two quick one-liners:

For interrogation: So, the ol' "Good Paladin, Fallen Paladin" routine?

Bard casting: I gotta sonnet with your name on it!

Alabenson
2012-11-22, 07:45 PM
What's the best way to stab a drow in the back?
Hand a dagger to the drow standing next to him.

North_Ranger
2012-11-22, 08:17 PM
What do you call three paladins standing in the middle of the road with their swords drawn?
- An ambush.


***

A dwarven adventurer was walking down the road one day. On the road, he saw a snake. At first he thought to simply trod the snake down, but then he walked around it instead. And lo and behold, the snake turned into a genie.

"Oh thank you, kind sir", said the genie. "I was cursed to live as a snake until someone showed me kindness. For your good deed, I will grant you three wishes. But whatever you wish, your neighbour will receive twice. What is your first wish?"

The dwarf frowned, remembering his elven neighbour.

"Well, first I would like to have a million gold pieces."

"Done", said the genie. "And your neighbour now has two million gold pieces. What is your second wish?"

"Okay... Next, I would like to have a beautiful wife."

"Done. And your neighbour now has two beautiful wives. What is your third wish?"

The dwarf pondered for a moment and then asked. "Does it hurt a lot if you cut off one of my testicles?"


***

A barbarian war party had returned back north after a long season of raiding in the south. The following day, two barbarians meet at the mead hall.
"So, Utgarth, what was the first thing you did when you got back home?"
"I took my wife."
"Hah! So, what was the second thing you did?"
"Then I took her again."
"Hah! So, what did you do after you were done taking her?"
"Then I took off my skis."


***

Did you hear the one about the humble bard? Me neither.


***

An elf, standing naked in front of the mirror:
"Two inches longer, and I would king among men."
His wife from the bed:
"Darling, two inches shorter, and you would be queen among men."


***

Knock knock.
Who's there?
A paladin with rogue levels.

Lucid
2012-11-23, 05:27 AM
Some funny ones here, here's one I found on another forum sometime ago.

An elf walks into a inn.
"I have a bet for you people, I'll offer 500 gold pieces to the one that can drink 13 dwarven ales in a row!"
At first the room falls silent, and then there's laughing, "You're mad", someone says. Even the group of dwarves sitting at a table starts muttering. "That's insane, sure 10 maybe, but 13, that's suicide."
A young dwarf silently gets up and leaves.
The elf asks again, but doesn't get any takers, so he sits himself down at the bar.
Half an hour later, the dwarf that left comes back in, walks up to the elf and says: "I'll take ye up on yer offer!"
The elf smiles and nods to the bartender, "Line em up good man."
The bartender sets 13 dwarven ales on the bar, and everyone in the inn looks on to see what's going to happen.
Sure enough, the dwarf downs al the ales in a row, wipes the froth from his beard and looks to the elf. "Me gold please."
The elf laughs and produces a bag filled to the brim with gold. "Here you go my friend, you've earned it. I didn't believe anyone could do it. But please tell me, why did you leave at first?"
"Ah well, tha's simple. I wasn't sure of meself if I could do it, so I went to the tavern across the street to try it first."

hymer
2012-11-23, 06:06 AM
A lawful-good character, a neutral character, and a chaotic-evil character walk into a tavern, and the barkeep says, "What is this, some kinda joke?"

They all laughed at me when I said I'd max Perform (Comedy). Well, they're not laughing now.

navar100
2012-11-23, 01:58 PM
What did Lord Soth do after he fell?


He stood back up.

Pokonic
2012-11-23, 02:00 PM
How does the Lich play D&D with visiters?


First he throws people into the dungeon, then he unleashes the dragons.

Mordar
2012-11-23, 03:08 PM
Can't say as I've EVER heard that saying.


The yellow pages are a common phrase for the advertisements section of the phonebook in North America. I've heard the phrase (or something similar) in here in Canada a few times, but I'm not certain how common it is in the United States.

It is (to my knowledge) a fairly new advertising slogan for the yellow pages.

Actually, it is a very dated advertising slogan...certainly early 80s if not before..."Let your fingers do the walking" was the TV tagline for both the white and yellow pages commercials, back in those dark days where "dial" the phone actually made sense.

So it is semi-on-topic:

Three priestesses of Arete are sitting in a park when a priest of Dionysus strolls up and flashes them.

The first priestess had a stroke. The second priestess had a stroke. The third one wouldn't even touch it.


- M

navar100
2012-11-23, 06:47 PM
Obligatory:

Hooray for the sun god. He is the fun god. Ra! Ra! Ra!

JeminiZero
2012-11-23, 07:48 PM
The story goes that a Human, Half-Orc, Elf and Dwarf boarded a ship to sail to a distant land (along with captain and crew). But midway through the journey, they meet a fierce storm. The crew try to keep this ship afloat by lightening the boat's load. They throw out the cargo, and then the supplies. While the passengers sit worriedly, in the hold.

Finally, it becomes clear that the boat is still too heavy. So the captain requests if any of the passengers would be willing to sacrifice himself, and go overboard, so that the others may stay afloat. After a short while, the human stands up, punches his fist into the air. He shouts "I want to be like Pelor!", and then jumps overboard.

Despite the human's sacrifice, the storm continues to worsen, and once more the captain asks if anyone else onboard is willing to sacrifice himself. A slightly longer while passes, before the Dwarf stands up, punches his fist into the air. He shouts "I want to be like Moradin!", before jumping overboard.

Once more the storm worsens and the Captain requests a 3rd man to sacrifice himself. The remaining elf and half-orc stare at each other for almost a minute, each wondering whether the other would make the sacrifice, even as the storm raged on in the background.

Finally, the half-orc stands up, and punches his fist into the air. He shouts "I want to be like Gruumsh!", and promptly picks up the elf, and throws him overboard.

navar100
2012-11-23, 08:52 PM
Two ogres are eating an adventuring party they killed. One chews on the bard's leg then hands it over to his buddy. "Does this taste funny to you"?

The other one spits out the cleric's holy symbol that was stuck in his teeth. "I pray not".

They save the rouge for a third ogre with whom they are currently quarreling in an attempt to make up.

Kerrin
2012-11-23, 11:51 PM
They all laughed at me when I said I'd max Perform (Comedy). Well, they're not laughing now.
You got me with this one, laughed my head off! Thanks. Keep piling on those ranks.

Why did the psionicist cross the road?
Because she THOUGHT she was on the other side!

Dimers
2012-11-24, 03:05 PM
Why did the second psionicist use psionic greater teleport to follow the first psionicist across the road?

To get to the other, psi'd.

hymer
2012-11-26, 05:57 AM
A half-orc enters the inn and sees a dwarf. He walks up behind the dwarf and with a single blow knocks the dwarf off his chair.
"Tha' was from ma lef' han'!" shouts the half-orc and laughs as he turns and leaves. The dwarf gets up warily and grumbling and returns to his beer.
A little while later, the half-orc returns, and once again walks up behind the dwarf and strikes him hard enough to throw him out of his chair.
"Tha' was from ma righ' han'!" laughs the half-orc, rolling on the floor with laughter. The dwarf gets to his feet quickly and leaves the inn. Soon after he returns with a hammer and walks up to the half-orc and knocks him unconscious with a sure strike to the forehead.
"When he wakes up, tell him that was from my smithy," he says to the innkeeper as he pays his bill.