Relationship Woes and Advice 18: Finally Legal in Hollywood

[Maeglin_Dubh]

LDR comes into it as well, which is why we're discussing a relationship and not in one. She leaves on the 8th for a 12 week internship, during which she'll be home only once (her birthday, which I told her I'd go down to see her for).

So, therein lies the reluctance. I've been in LDR's before, and they're shakey. And I don't want things to be shakey this time. If there's a non-shakey way to do it, I'd do it, but I don't know of it.

[Coidzor]

Equating sexual experience with maturity is a dangerous road to go down, my friend.

If you wanna have a mature, long-lasting relationship, you'd better be prepared to at least try kissing once in your life.

Now, pray tell, how was I equating sexual experience with maturity?

[absolmorph]

If you wanna have a mature, long-lasting relationship, you'd better be prepared to at least try kissing once in your life.

Now, pray tell, how was I equating sexual experience with maturity?

I think that the saying "there's a first time for everything" applies here.

Gotta grow up sometime after all.
That's how.
Not precisely equating it, but that was the only way to take that I could think of.

Now, I need to go shower and get some schoolwork done before I need to leave to hang out with the girl I'm crushing on.
Which I might take as a sign that I have a chance with her, except two other friends were invited but couldn't make it.

[golentan]

Got my "probably not a date" tonight. All nervous and stuff...

[LaZodiac]

Don't worry Golentan, you're some kinda magical unicorn thing, from what I understand. I'm sure things will go fine.

[Coidzor]

Not precisely equating it, but that was the only way to take that I could think of.

Man was talking about how she'd never kissed before and that's what I was replying to. :smallsigh:

So, no, that's on the both of you and the way you think.

[Maeglin_Dubh]

Some would see kissing as sexual, which is where the confusion came in, I think.

[MountainKing]

Okay guys, let's all take a deep breath before we end up getting the thread locked again. I don't think any of us want to have that. There was a misunderstanding/misinterpretation/difference of interpretation. Coid has re-presented what he intended, which includes his opinion that kissing is not a sexual experience. Others may or may not agree, but, let's not let things turn into another explosion of disagreement, ne? :smallfrown:

[ZombyWoof]

Don't worry Golentan, you're some kinda magical unicorn thing, from what I understand. I'm sure things will go fine.
He looks like an earth pony to me. On the other hand, I am a magical unicorn! :smallwink:


Man was talking about how she'd never kissed before and that's what I was replying to. :smallsigh:
Well kissing is the gateway interaction to, well, yeah :smallwink:

Hugs->kisses->"special mommy-daddy hugs," to keep things G rated :smallbiggrin:

@Golentan, my "not-a-date" isn't even necessarily happening tonight yet. This girl... "ask me next week" "ask me next week" "Oh I think I might go to the bay area for the weekend." Jeez.

[Jonesh]

:smallsigh:
My old crush is online and I'm contemplating if I'm gonna talk to her and say something like "Hey, remember that get-together like two weeks ago? I was pretty depressed those few days so don't judge me from my behaviour then".
Considering that I'm contemplating it, it's probably a bad idea :smallsigh:
Should I talk to her and if so, what should I say and how shall I phrase it?
We haven't talked for like a week, pretty much. I think I've kind of put her off with that bad behaviour last time :smallfrown:

Partytimes with my best friend tomorrow though, so that's something to look forward to at least.

[Lissou]

Vella: it seems to me you like hanging out with him if you happen to be there, but you don't like making plans with him. I might be completely off-base, but maybe you like the guy, but you don't think a relationship will work so you're being hesitant about it?
But you do think he's a cool guy and you like him so you don't want to hurt his feelings, either.

If that's the case, I think you do need to break up... as much as it sucks, staying together and feeling that way towards him is worse, right?
I think if he calls and you don't want to pick up... I mean, that's bad, if my boyfriend calls there is no way I'll not want to pick up, and if I can't pick up for some reason I'll call back right away. I think unless you can tell yourself honestly that you would have felt the same no matter who called, then it must be that you feel in your guts that it's not going to work out. You don't feel the same way about him as he does about you.

[Gaius Marius]

:smallsigh:
My old crush is online and I'm contemplating if I'm gonna talk to her and say something like "Hey, remember that get-together like two weeks ago? I was pretty depressed those few days so don't judge me from my behaviour then".
Considering that I'm contemplating it, it's probably a bad idea :smallsigh:
Should I talk to her and if so, what should I say and how shall I phrase it?
We haven't talked for like a week, pretty much. I think I've kind of put her off with that bad behaviour last time :smallfrown:

Partytimes with my best friend tomorrow though, so that's something to look forward to at least.

You lose nothing for trying to talk to her, mesay.

And I think the best way to deal with you past behavior is to be upfront but limit the offered intel; the best formula is, I believe, complete confession of your assness without delving into WHY you acted like that. I recommend something along the lines:

"Sorry for last time, I was out of order. It doesn't excuse anything, but i was having a bad thing. I hope I will have te chance to make it up"

You open your chances for redemption, and the worst that'll happen is if she brushes you off, and then you won't be in a worst situation than you started, no?

If she ask questions as to WHY you had a bad week, it's actually good news: she cares about you. Don't try to sound too pitiful if you do spill the beans, makes her understand that you still believe you were out of order, nevertheless the circumstances. Man up, be honest, and show you can change your bad sides.

Although, if someone disagree with my assessment, speak up, or forever be silenced!!

[Rawhide]

I still think the "Can I kiss you now?" is a great way to do it.


You could always ask if it's ok for you to kiss her.

http://www.asofterworld.com/clean/admonish.jpg

[ZombyWoof]

I... am going to use that next opportunity I get!

[Glass Mouse]

Like ZombyWoof said though, there is the distinction of intent. I guess, that's up for you to decide, whether or not your friends are playing political mindgames. Sometimes, it really is just pointless venting, and it doesn't even have to be because what you're complaining about is actually what's wrong. Things pile up quick sometimes, and when you reach your breaking point, suddenly everything is something worth being frustrated about.

In the event that your friends really ARE just playing BS little power games within the larger group of friends, I would have to side with Mouse on this one, but I really do think ZombyWoof's words have a lot of merit.

Kinda agreed (also with Zomby), though I still can't shake my issues with people negatively voicing opinions about friends.

Perhaps an "if the friend would be okay with the stuff being said to hirs face, it's okay to say" clause could be in order? This involves praise, friendly teasing, mild venting, etc., but it excludes anything mean and petty.


I'm biased because my friends don't play those political games :smalltongue:

And I'm biased because I know way too many people who do :smallwink:

[golentan]

He looks like an earth pony to me. On the other hand, I am a magical unicorn! :smallwink:


Well kissing is the gateway interaction to, well, yeah :smallwink:

Hugs->kisses->"special mommy-daddy hugs," to keep things G rated :smallbiggrin:

@Golentan, my "not-a-date" isn't even necessarily happening tonight yet. This girl... "ask me next week" "ask me next week" "Oh I think I might go to the bay area for the weekend." Jeez.

Count the legs, zomby. Count the legs.

My probably-not-a-date got postponed to sunday. He had family show up unannounced an hour beforehand and called to apologize.

I'm actually relieved. Gives me time to work up the Golentan Never-Fail Superspecial (homemade chocolate mousse).

[LaZodiac]

To be perfectly honest, I missed the extra pair of legs too, I meant real life Goletan. All I can tell from what I've read is that you are SOMETHING, and whatever it is, it's magical and awesome.

[Vella_Malachite]

That sounds like an ended relationship to me. It's... just waiting for the people to catch up =/

Yeah, you're right. *sighs*. We'll, as I said, I've got to use that library for about a week more before I can stop going regularly, so once that practical issue is out of the way...

I think the best thing I can hope for now is that after some healing time, we can be friends again. He truly is a wonderful guy - it'd be a shame if I never spoke to him again.

[Coidzor]

A body's gotta do what a body's gotta do after all, Vella.

Though you do make me wonder whether it's more common of men or women to express that sentiment...


Count the legs, zomby. Count the legs.

An Earth Pony Totemist then. :smallbiggrin: Or maybe under the effects of Girallon's Blessing...

[Trellan]

I could use some advice on a bit of a private matter; anyone have an open PM box?

[Eadin]

PM away, my box is always open :smallsmile:

[Gaius Marius]

Well, if some people were curious about the girl I accidentally antagonized over FB, I am happy to say she told me she never ever wantto meet me, and she doesn't give or believe in 2nd chance.

So I told very nicely her I disagree with that attitude. That if I never gave 2nd chance, I would have little friends, and little people would think of me as a friend.

Wished her good luck in her future, and good bye. And to remember that people aren't worthless just because they make a mistake.

Can't say I am happy about it, but in retrospect, I don't want to be close to somebody who doesn't hold forgiveness as a value. The girl is so darn sexy and cute she probably had the luxury of being that picky about who she hangs out with.

But I guess I am disgressing into bitchy mode, so I will leave the topic there. I don't worry, other nice girls out there :smallwink:

[Jonesh]

You lose nothing for trying to talk to her, mesay.

And I think the best way to deal with you past behavior is to be upfront but limit the offered intel; the best formula is, I believe, complete confession of your assness without delving into WHY you acted like that. I recommend something along the lines:

"Sorry for last time, I was out of order. It doesn't excuse anything, but i was having a bad thing. I hope I will have te chance to make it up"

You open your chances for redemption, and the worst that'll happen is if she brushes you off, and then you won't be in a worst situation than you started, no?

If she ask questions as to WHY you had a bad week, it's actually good news: she cares about you. Don't try to sound too pitiful if you do spill the beans, makes her understand that you still believe you were out of order, nevertheless the circumstances. Man up, be honest, and show you can change your bad sides.

Although, if someone disagree with my assessment, speak up, or forever be silenced!!

That seems like a sensible turn of phrase for what I am gonna try and convey to her. Thanks for the advice.
And yeah, since nobody else said anything I hope you have the silent agreement of the other posters :smallbiggrin:


Well, if some people were curious about the girl I accidentally antagonized over FB, I am happy to say she told me she never ever wantto meet me, and she doesn't give or believe in 2nd chance.

So I told very nicely her I disagree with that attitude. That if I never gave 2nd chance, I would have little friends, and little people would think of me as a friend.

Wished her good luck in her future, and good bye. And to remember that people aren't worthless just because they make a mistake.

Can't say I am happy about it, but in retrospect, I don't want to be close to somebody who doesn't hold forgiveness as a value. The girl is so darn sexy and cute she probably had the luxury of being that picky about who she hangs out with.

But I guess I am disgressing into bitchy mode, so I will leave the topic there. I don't worry, other nice girls out there :smallwink:

Tough luck, even if it had worked out without/despite of that mistake you made, it probably wouldn't have worked out for long if you're that incompatible with such a basic value as forgiveness (you seem to understand this though) :smalltongue:

[Lissou]

I could use some advice on a bit of a private matter; anyone have an open PM box?

If you still need some advice, feel free to PM me (anyone else should feel free to as well).

[Glass Mouse]

Hey guys! Question time (mostly for straight people, but feel free to chime in, it may be more relevant for LGB'ers than I think)!

Suppose your genderfriend goes kissing or more with someone else. Suppose this "someone" is of your genderfriend's own gender. Does this make a difference?
What if they ask your consent before doing it? Would you give it?


I'm asking because me and my boyfriend vastly disagree on this, and I'd very much like to know how other people feel about it (note; we aren't fighting, I'm just very, very curious).
Thanks in advance.

[Coidzor]

If they could adequately explain to me why their experimentation with the same sex had to be something which I could have no involvement with (e.g. as with a threesome of some sort).

Though, you said the same gender... Which means they could have the same genitalia as me but identify as the same gender as my S/O. Would not be ok with that, since that's what my genitalia are for in an exclusive relationship.

[Starbuck_II]

Hey guys! Question time (mostly for straight people, but feel free to chime in, it may be more relevant for LGB'ers than I think)!

Suppose your genderfriend goes kissing or more with someone else. Suppose this "someone" is of your genderfriend's own gender. Does this make a difference?
What if they ask your consent before doing it? Would you give it?


I'm asking because me and my boyfriend vastly disagree on this, and I'd very much like to know how other people feel about it (note; we aren't fighting, I'm just very, very curious).
Thanks in advance.

Wait, so she wants to cheat by snogging?
I don't think gender has much to do with it.

Now if they ask your permission, it is better than if they do it without yours. I'm not sure whether I'd give it.

I'd want to know why they would want to kiss other people.
Is it curiousity if they'd like kissing same gender or is reason is attraction. Because attraction is a worse answer (one might have fear of gf break up and being with that other person).

[DeadManSleeping]

Hey guys! Question time (mostly for straight people, but feel free to chime in, it may be more relevant for LGB'ers than I think)!

Suppose your genderfriend goes kissing or more with someone else. Suppose this "someone" is of your genderfriend's own gender. Does this make a difference?
What if they ask your consent before doing it? Would you give it?


I'm asking because me and my boyfriend vastly disagree on this, and I'd very much like to know how other people feel about it (note; we aren't fighting, I'm just very, very curious).
Thanks in advance.

Sometimes.

Because of our twisted, twisted human minds, many of us are less concerned with our SO having sexytimes with someone of their own sex, rather than someone of our own sex. Maybe it's because it feels like there's less competition. Maybe because we think that's hot. Maybe something else. Either way, it is at least a little lower on the scale.

However, because sexytimes have emotional baggage, plenty of us aren't willing to share that emotional place in our SO's life. Also, just because your SO is having fun with someone you want to have fun with doesn't mean you get to as well, and that kinda sucks.

My personal viewpoints on this are kinda odd. If my hypothetical girlfriend wanted to fool around with another guy, I would be in no way okay with it. If she wanted to fool around with another girl...it's complicated. Yes, she'd definitely need my permission first, or it's just as bad as any form of infidelity. But if she asked, I'm really not sure what I'd say. I know that if it were a matter of only her getting to have sexytimes with supposed other girl, I wouldn't be okay with it. I would honestly not feel secure with my place in that relationship (imaginary girlfriends are tenuous enough as-is). If it were a matter of full polyamory...well, I just don't know. Honestly, I'm better off spending my time preparing emotional reactions to far more likely scenarios than having a girlfriend (much less one with whom the above would come up), like having a time machine.

EDIT: Worth noting that, given the people I hang out with, the threshold for "acceptable sexytimes" is kind of different than it is for many people.

[RabbitHoleLost]

Annnnnd... single again. That didn't last too long.

...But if a guy texted you every morning and then magically stopped the day he went to the zoo with his ex girlfriend who is apparently his best friend, that is a good reason to be suspicious isn't it?
I mean, he was incredibly affection right up until that point. And then he practically ignored me =/

Ugh, I dunno, I'm rambling.

[Eadin]

Annnnnd... single again. That didn't last too long.

...But if a guy texted you every morning and then magically stopped the day he went to the zoo with his ex girlfriend who is apparently his best friend, that is a good reason to be suspicious isn't it?
I mean, he was incredibly affection right up until that point. And then he practically ignored me =/

Ugh, I dunno, I'm rambling.

*hugs Rabbit*
*offers ice cream*
I'm sorry Rabbit.:smallfrown:

[Dvil]

Annnnnd... single again. That didn't last too long.

...But if a guy texted you every morning and then magically stopped the day he went to the zoo with his ex girlfriend who is apparently his best friend, that is a good reason to be suspicious isn't it?
I mean, he was incredibly affection right up until that point. And then he practically ignored me =/

Ugh, I dunno, I'm rambling.

*hugs*
I'd say don't get too hung up on it. If not knowing is bothering you, then by all means find out, but otherwise it might be best to just say "whatever happened happened" and leave it behind.

[rayne_dragon]

Annnnnd... single again. That didn't last too long.

...But if a guy texted you every morning and then magically stopped the day he went to the zoo with his ex girlfriend who is apparently his best friend, that is a good reason to be suspicious isn't it?
I mean, he was incredibly affection right up until that point. And then he practically ignored me =/

Ugh, I dunno, I'm rambling.

*hug*

I agree that such behavior is rather suspicious - although it is nice to give people a chance to explain before you jump to conclusions. Beyond that, I'd say that Dvil has the right recommendation of taking a "what's happened has happened" kind of attitude towards it. Appreciate what was good, move beyond what was bad, and find what makes you happy. And don't worry if it isn't as easy as that sentance makes it sound.

[Gaius Marius]

Annnnnd... single again. That didn't last too long.

...But if a guy texted you every morning and then magically stopped the day he went to the zoo with his ex girlfriend who is apparently his best friend, that is a good reason to be suspicious isn't it?
I mean, he was incredibly affection right up until that point. And then he practically ignored me =/

Ugh, I dunno, I'm rambling.

Wait, it means you are single...? :smallamused:

Hum... What are you doing tonite? :smallbiggrin:

[Lissou]

Suppose your genderfriend goes kissing or more with someone else. Suppose this "someone" is of your genderfriend's own gender. Does this make a difference?
What if they ask your consent before doing it? Would you give it?

Let's see... First, I'm polyamorous, so my partners always have my permission to have other relationships, so I'm probably not your average person as far as this question is concerned.

I'm trying to think about the differences if it's with a man or a woman... The only thing I can think of is that if it's a guy it could really make things more complicated if I start liking him too or something. Otherwise, I don't really make a difference.

I remember reading a study that men in general are more fine with it if the other person is female too, like their girlfriend, and women in general are less fine with it if the other person is male too, like their boyfriend.

I get the "it's less worse if it's not my sex" because I understand how it would be easier to understand what they bring that I can't bring, on a purely physical basis that is. Of course, everyone is unique so in my opinion that applies to everyone, but that's the poly part :P

Oh, and it's never fine if they don't talk about it first, it's even worse in polyamory I feel, because they know I'd be fine with is, so hiding it and lying about it is pointless, and it means they're doing it for the sake of going behind my back, and at that point... I mean, betrayal for the sake of betrayal? That's just ugly.

If something happens that wasn't planned and I'm told about it after the fact, that's not the same though, although it's still bad. I mean, who doesn't even have the time to send a text or something?

[term1nally s1ck]

Suppose your genderfriend goes kissing or more with someone else. Suppose this "someone" is of your genderfriend's own gender. Does this make a difference?
What if they ask your consent before doing it? Would you give it?

Well, if it was anything more than just kissing, I'd be really annoyed if done without permission

If it was with another guy, I'd be VERY upset if done without my permission, and I'd need a really really good reason to give my permission.

However, I do find the idea of two girls kissing or more incredibly hot, so my imagination would probably take over and stop me getting annoyed if I found out she'd been kissing another girl, and would readily give my permission for her to kiss or do more with a girl....if I'm allowed to watch. :smalltongue:

That is almost entirely fuelled by perversity, though, and I'd suddenly get a LOT more reluctant for anything to take place without me involved if she already knew she was into girls as well.

[golentan]

Glassy: For me the gender combination involved doesn't matter to me for my answer. I would be very upset if they hid it from me, moderately upset but well able to get over it if it "just happened" without having run it by me beforehand but they told me about it soon after, and not at all if they asked permission beforehand (that would be basically an automatic yes, even for activities well beyond snogging if they wanted).

Also, poor rabbit. :smallfrown:

[Innis Cabal]

Oh hey, this works well here to. This is a general statement, not directed at anyone in particular just some general advice for people in caustic relationships as a whole.

People like the taste of anti-freeze but that doesn't mean we should all binge drink it. If someone is cancer, cut them off and sterilize appropriately. If someone doesn't love you for who you are, they are not worth it.

If the person you're with doesn't love you, don't hope and pray they'll learn to in time. Find someone who is worthy of -YOU- even if it takes a very long time. If they loved you once and then stopped, find someone else. Don't wait for that person to relearn, they forgot once before and in love there shouldn't be any do overs. Love shouldn't hurt, it's the one thing in your life that should be there when everything else hurts. And before anyone comes sweeping in to tell me that this is some kind of childish crap that makes people think relationships aren't work stop right where you are because I'm ready for you this time. It doesn't matter how much work a relationship is, it shouldn't -hurt- to be in even if it's difficult at times. If you're not ready to make the relationship work you're not ready for relationships period and that's -probably- part of the problem to begin with. If -neither- of you are ready to make a relationship work then that CERTAINLY is part of the problem.

Things just don't magically fit together or back together if they're broken apart. But things don't magically fit together or back together if you work at it either. Love isn't some building you make that stands up after you and your partner hammer it in place. It's a whirlwind that you both cling to each other to make sure neither of you go spinning off to the nether. You pray and hope that you both cling as hard as each of you can and never let go. But sometimes people let go and you go spinning off into a direction that will make sure you never cross again. If you're lucky, you get a return visit and they grab you again. But if they miss or just don't reach out...reach out for someone else or find someone who is reaching out for you.

[Jonesh]

Well, I talked to my old crush about my behaviour. I had to steer the conversation to my behaviour then as she didn't bring it up when I asked her how she thought the get-together was.
She said she had been confused and a little creeped out by it :smallfrown:

But she said she accepted my apology and she didn't think it had been worth apologizing for since she had been through much worse.
She asked me how I could make it up to her and I said that I didn't know, I just wanted to make up for it and she should figure out how.
...I don't know what to do now :smallconfused:



And hey RabbitHoleLost, things'll clear up soon enough *internethug*
But you know, if he texted you every morning that's kind of hard to keep up.
It's natural that he doesn't do that as often as he did. At least that he eventually stops, I know too little else to give proper advice.



But to end on a happy note, I talked to a real nice and chatty girl today and I decided to give her my number. She was charming, cute and said that she lived alone so I figured "what the heck" and she took it, she might have been pleased. She didn't seem displeased though, at least her behaviour didn't noticeably change :smalltongue:
I got her number (and name, adress, email, etc. etc.) but I am not considering doing anything with that. If she's interested she'll call me.
I mean, me throwing a curveball like me giving her my number might just catch her interest!
Yeah, I always try to be optimistic :smallredface:
EDIT: She has FB and we have a "friend" (a club) in common, uh ohhh~
Still thinking I'm gonna let it be though, or if I just poke her or something but then I think I have to do it today so I'm not overthinking it or giving her the impression that I'm overthinking it :smalltongue:
I don't really know what is the proper decorum, I should probably just wait though and let it go if she doesn't call/text me.
EDIT2: Yeah, I really should just wait. I've moved too fast with everyone else, if she doesn't bite, I'll just get on with my life.

[term1nally s1ck]

Jonesh, if she makes the same decision, then you both end up waiing for the other one. Just drop her an email.

[ZombyWoof]

Suppose your genderfriend goes kissing or more with someone else. Suppose this "someone" is of your genderfriend's own gender. Does this make a difference?
What if they ask your consent before doing it? Would you give it?

It depends on the individuals and the situations involved. For example, I have a standing bet with someone regarding sexual performance, and I would like that bet resolved since I have a hundred pounds UK coming my way :smallbiggrin: Alternatively I could think of other situations in which I would be ok with small "infidelities" like that... situations which involved experimentation (I'd rather my genderfriend know whether or not they are homosexual sooner rather than later) or something like that.

I would much prefer it wasn't a regular thing, but it would also depend on the person. There's a great House episode where the dude has a wife who's poly, and he's not. He pretends to be poly because he loves her dearly and wants her to be happy, and he thinks that in order for her to be happy she has to sleep around. I can't remember the resolution but she was mad at him for lying to her but they made up because she realized why she did it. I think she may have even given up being poly for him but that was the preachy moment I didn't necessarily agree with :smallwink: Her choice though! :smalltongue:

ION: WHY IS IT THAT I MEET THE CUTEST AND SWEETEST GIRLS AT WORK? :smallfurious: She was so cute and her eyes were beautiful and she had the coolest charm bracelet. Ugh. FML :smallmad:

@Rabbit, it's hard for me to be angry with him but it does suck for you.

[Coidzor]

Innis: Thanks for reminding me of Solitary Man (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5rVmXyZP5s), I just had to go listen to that song myself.

[RabbitHoleLost]

I should probably explain more. It wasn't JUST the texting bit. It was that he never asked to hang out anymore- if we were together, it was because I asked. He didn't give hugs or kisses without me making the move for them anymore.
He didn't talk to me anymore.

I was completely ignored, really, unless I initiated anything.

Zombywoof: I'm sorry, what? Why should you be mad at him? :smallconfused:

[ZombyWoof]

Well because you're bothered by your actions and you're a pretty cool dudette?

[Jonesh]

Jonesh, if she makes the same decision, then you both end up waiing for the other one. Just drop her an email.

True, true. However, I fear that I might give off some creepy vibes if I do so because I said she could call me and if I then go and take more contact that might seem a bit desperate/creepy.
And I find writing those first emails and/or taking the first contact is the hardest :smalltongue:

Speaking of, I think I've found one of my first crushes on FB, one that I almost certainly just screwed up with simply by not giving her my email when she asked me for it (16-year old me; But my internet was down at the time, it was no use) :smalltongue:
It was years ago, and I'm not a 100% certain it's her (she doesn't have a profilepicture where you can see her clearly but the other stuff seem to be correct) so there's a HUGE potential for awkwardness and I don't know what to say there either...

Any advice from you peeps? :smallconfused:

[Maeglin_Dubh]

Well, dinner seems likely. Probably someplace small in town, after we go rambling around for a bit (I'm a hiker, she's a runner, so taking the scenic route is a given.)

Ice cream probably not, since I don't know of a place in town that's open for that, and it's going to be in the 40-50 degree range tomorrow night.

As for the rest, we'll see.

Went well. As anticipated, no ice cream, but we went to a park, sat and talked, wandered about town a bit more, read some signs, got hungry, got dinner, went home.

We also decided that waiting until she got back from internship to start actively dating wasn't going to mean we wouldn't miss each other, so now we're actually dating.

[Starbuck_II]

I should probably explain more. It wasn't JUST the texting bit. It was that he never asked to hang out anymore- if we were together, it was because I asked. He didn't give hugs or kisses without me making the move for them anymore.
He didn't talk to me anymore.

I was completely ignored, really, unless I initiated anything.

Zombywoof: I'm sorry, what? Why should you be mad at him? :smallconfused:

Sheesh, maybe he thought he was trying to give space: Because he was being too needy by doing that stuff?
(I try to see best in people when I can)
But yeah, it is a bad sign if he suddenly shifts...

Don't worry Rabbit, if he really did leave you for Ex: His loss in that case.

[Vella_Malachite]

*hugs* for RabbitHoleLost. I'm really sorry. Hope you feel better soon.

Re: The genderfriend debate. Honestly, I'm a bit weird about this one, because I really wouldn't care if a boyfriend went behind my back, provided it was either only a once-off, or it didn't affect our relationship (and by that, I mean that he still felt the same about me, and we still did the same types of things, etc.). I'd want to know, but it doesn't matter whether the "other one" was male or female. But that might be just me.

In other news, I'm single now. We're still friends. He said he kind of expected it. I'm seeing him in the library today, in a platonic capacity. He lectured me a bit about emotional honesty. It turns out that our concepts of what is "necessary" in a relationship are completely different.
It's not a huge deal. At least we're still on talking terms. *continues with life*

[Coidzor]

^: Shuggedywha? Emotional Honesty?

:smallconfused: I feel like I've missed some crucial post and yet I went looking and still haven't found where this tale started.



Why are we using the word genderfriend instead of significant other and then gender instead of sex anyway? It seems on the surface like the sex of the other individual would be of more pertinence than their gender except in very narrow corner cases.


Went well. As anticipated, no ice cream, but we went to a park, sat and talked, wandered about town a bit more, read some signs, got hungry, got dinner, went home.

We also decided that waiting until she got back from internship to start actively dating wasn't going to mean we wouldn't miss each other, so now we're actually dating.

That sounds potentially promising, yeah, and like a good date. Good luck. :smallsmile:

[term1nally s1ck]

I dunno.

*Looks at Mouse*

[ZombyWoof]

Actually that's partially my fault :smallredface: I suggested "genderfriend" as a generic way of talking about boyfriends or girlfriends since "significant other" sounds bad to me... and it sort of stuck.

"Gedonkle" seems to have died though :smallfrown:

EDIT: The idea of him lecturing you about emotional honesty seems silly to me Vella.

[Glass Mouse]

@Vella: I'm glad to hear you managed the break-up with minimum drama and awkwardness :smallsmile:


Though, you said the same gender... Which means they could have the same genitalia as me but identify as the same gender as my S/O. Would not be ok with that, since that's what my genitalia are for in an exclusive relationship.

Interesting. I'm a bit puzzled that genitalia feels like more of a threat than kissing skills, looks, personality, potential feelings, etc.
I guess it makes a lot of sense if you're absolutely sure your partner is straight. But in that case... why would they wanna kiss (or something) with their own gender/sex?


Because of our twisted, twisted human minds, many of us are less concerned with our SO having sexytimes with someone of their own sex, rather than someone of our own sex. Maybe it's because it feels like there's less competition. Maybe because we think that's hot. Maybe something else. Either way, it is at least a little lower on the scale.

Heh, that's kind of what I figured as well.


I remember reading a study that men in general are more fine with it if the other person is female too, like their girlfriend, and women in general are less fine with it if the other person is male too, like their boyfriend.

I didn't know that, but it makes a lot of sense, especially considering...


However, I do find the idea of two girls kissing or more incredibly hot, so my imagination would probably take over and stop me getting annoyed if I found out she'd been kissing another girl, and would readily give my permission for her to kiss or do more with a girl....if I'm allowed to watch. :smalltongue:

Yeah, that :smalltongue:


Alternatively I could think of other situations in which I would be ok with small "infidelities" like that... situations which involved experimentation (I'd rather my genderfriend know whether or not they are homosexual sooner rather than later) or something like that.

Heh. That's definitely a good reason to be okay with it.


Why are we using the word genderfriend instead of significant other and then gender instead of sex anyway? It seems on the surface like the sex of the other individual would be of more pertinence than their gender except in very narrow corner cases.

I adopted "genderfriend" from ZombyWoof and... well, I just like it. But I can see how SO would be better in a LGBTA+ light (*grumble*stupid English not having an elegant, gender-neutral word for that*grumble*).

As for gender/sex... Honestly, I didn't think about it (or, to be more precise, I figured that people would explain more complicated conditions and situations on their own if they mattered). Sorry if that seemed rude.


Thanks for the answers so far, people! It's really interesting to hear other people's opinions about this :smallsmile:


Edit: Ninja'ed by Zomby!

[Starbuck_II]

Don't mention Gedonkle it still tears me up :smallbiggrin:

[Coidzor]

Interesting. I'm a bit puzzled that genitalia feels like more of a threat than kissing skills, looks, personality, potential feelings, etc.
I guess it makes a lot of sense if you're absolutely sure your partner is straight. But in that case... why would they wanna kiss (or something) with their own gender/sex?

Well, then, that's a good question of your entire scenario, now isn't it? :smalltongue:

I care much less about my lover having sex with another woman than I do about her having sex with another man. I should think it would be self evident all of the possible reasons why this would be the case for me.

Lesbian sex is not something I can offer my lovers. The other two common varieties I can, so, yes, there is definitely a lot more to answer for if my partner wants to fool around with another man than with a woman. It's not that it feels like more of a threat than all of those other things you mentioned, it's that it's that much more bald-faced than those other things.

Which, as I mentioned, I would be asking my partner some very pointed questions to get to the bottom of what the hell was going on, but I'm not some kind of magical lie detector, so if they lied to me about all of those other things, I might not pick up on it reliably.

Still, I can think of no acceptable scenario for my lover to have sex with a man other than myself if I'm in the kind of relationship I prefer to be in, while I can think of possible acceptable scenarios for my lover to want to experiment with a woman, no more, no less. Nor did I really assume they were straight, but, being as I am male, the odds of a lesbian dating me beyond that one time, where she was lying her ass off anyway, seem negligible.

edit:
I adopted "genderfriend" from ZombyWoof and... well, I just like it. But I can see how SO would be better in a LGBTA+ light (*grumble*stupid English not having an elegant, gender-neutral word for that*grumble*).

It's a two word term. It's easy to use and widely understood with pretty much crystal clarity. I'm just not seeing the problem with typing out two words with a space between them when you're already willing to type out two words that have been smooshed together. :smallconfused:

[ZombyWoof]

She likes "genderfriend." I don't see why you can't use your word and she can't just use her word...

[Coidzor]

She likes "genderfriend." I don't see why you can't use your word and she can't just use her word...

She was grumbling about how English doesn't have a word that's widely understood to mean what she wants to convey and I was pointing out that there is a term that's already in existence that's widely used and it avoids having issues with genderfriend + what you mean in context when you say gender by itself in the same group of statements, which is where the issue I had with her initially posited scenario came up anyway.

Edit: But, maybe I am just completely humorless right now and I'm not coming across anywhere near as clearly as I intend to. x,x

[Glass Mouse]

Still, I can think of no acceptable scenario for my lover to have sex with a man other than myself if I'm in the kind of relationship I prefer to be in, while I can think of possible acceptable scenarios for my lover to want to experiment with a woman, no more, no less. Nor did I really assume they were straight, but, being as I am male, the odds of a lesbian dating me beyond that one time, where she was lying her ass off anyway, seem negligible. Please don't grossly misconstrue my answers.

Thanks for explaining. It makes a lot more sense now.

And I wasn't trying to misconstrue your answer. I was (admittedly) running off on a logical tangent that relied on a "threat" premise, which wasn't IMO completely unreasonable considering you didn't elaborate and most people were talking about threats.
But yeah, I probably should've asked questions instead of throwing out hypothesises.


She was grumbling about how English doesn't have a word that's widely understood to mean what she wants to convey

No, I was complaining that English doesn't have an elegant word for that :smalltongue:

17 symbols and 6 syllables aren't elegant by any stretch of the word.

[ZombyWoof]

Ge-donk-le.

Three syllables.

IT WORKS FOR EVERYTHING!

[DeadManSleeping]

Gedonkle? I hardly know 'er! :smalltongue:

[Tiger Duck]

17 symbols and 6 syllables aren't elegant by any stretch of the word.

I hadn't read the beginning of this discussion, but now I'm curious. What word do you mean?

[Lissou]

I like "partner" and "spouse", but they tend to imply a more "serious" relationship than "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" do. I guess for a more casual relationship, the word "date" works too and is gender neutral.
Really, English has a lot of gender neutral words for someone you're in a relationship, I feel.

If I remember right, the study suggested as possible explanations the fact that males tend to be aroused by two females fooling around (provided it wasn't serious) or saw another female as less of a "threat" of their status (when it was serious) or even, thought if it was a female they could ask to join in (I guess most guys who answered were straight, no bi. And gay people would pretty much be excluded by the phrasing of the question anyways.)

For women, what surprised me is that apparently the worry if it was another guy was that their boyfriend was actually gay. As a result, the idea of him doing it with a guy, that they couldn't compete with, and might reveal their boyfriend as gay, was more threatening for the relationship than another woman would have been.

I don't remember where I saw the study and I'm not sure what they had to back up their conclusions, though.

I'm reminded of a different study, too... I think the results of that one was that women were less likely to forgive an emotional affair with no sex than a sexual affair with no feelings, and men where the opposite.

[Ricky S]

Hey guys! Question time (mostly for straight people, but feel free to chime in, it may be more relevant for LGB'ers than I think)!

Suppose your genderfriend goes kissing or more with someone else. Suppose this "someone" is of your genderfriend's own gender. Does this make a difference?
What if they ask your consent before doing it? Would you give it?


I'm asking because me and my boyfriend vastly disagree on this, and I'd very much like to know how other people feel about it (note; we aren't fighting, I'm just very, very curious).
Thanks in advance.


I know I am a bit late to this discussion but personally I am fine with it. I dont see it as cheating if my gf kissed another girl especially if she asked me first. I would be furious with her if she kissed another guy though. Basically I dont see women as a threat and knowing that she is kissing another girl is a real turn on. I wouldn't even mind if she broke up with me for a girl.

My friends and I have discussed this topic intently and most of them are of the same opinion as me.

Edit: Just read Lissou's post and everything I said matches what she wrote. I am pretty sure this is how most guys feel.

[Coidzor]

I wouldn't even mind if she broke up with me for a girl.

You take being dumped incredibly well. :smallconfused: How is that?

[AtlanteanTroll]

So I don't want to go into specifics, but I have a friend whose made a life altering choice, and it's something I can not support. At all. What do I do? (Please don't say ignore it, I'm not the most rational person @ times.)

[arguskos]

So I don't want to go into specifics, but I have a friend whose made a life altering choice, and it's something I can not support. At all. What do I do? (Please don't say ignore it, I'm not the most rational person @ times.)
It's their choice, not yours. If it's THAT huge a deal, stop associating with them. If you still want to associate with them, then get over their choice and deal with it.

[term1nally s1ck]

You take being dumped incredibly well. :smallconfused: How is that?

In that circumstance, it's easy. Because there's nothing anyone could have done that would make it better, she just prefers girls. It's sad, but you just kind of end up thinking along the lines of 'Well, short of growing breasts, I couldn't really do much to keep her. Hmm, I wonder what I'd look like....*pictures* AHHHH O_o''' Ok, not gonna help if I did that either. Well, blah. Guess I gotta find a woman who doesn't like other women. Or likes both. Both is good."

(If she was bi, doesn't work.)

[AtlanteanTroll]

It's their choice, not yours. If it's THAT huge a deal, stop associating with them. If you still want to associate with them, then get over their choice and deal with it.

I guess I knew those were my options. I don't really like either. But your right. The change doesn't even really directly affect me, the only reason it will is because I'm going to let it bug me.

[Dienekes]

I guess I knew those were my options. I don't really like either. But your right. The change doesn't even really directly affect me, the only reason it will is because I'm going to let it bug me.

Sometimes your principles are more important than a friendship, sometimes they're not. Only you can make that choice.

Hope whatever you decide is the right choice for you.

[Coidzor]

Atlantean Troll: Basically got two choices as far as I can tell. You can either say your piece up front and with as little heat as possible and then distance yourself from them or outright sever contact as appropriate or not say anything unless they bring it up with you.


In that circumstance, it's easy. Because there's nothing anyone could have done that would make it better, she just prefers girls. It's sad, but you just kind of end up thinking along the lines of 'Well, short of growing breasts, I couldn't really do much to keep her.

Still seems rather unpleasant to be in love with someone and then have them leave, regardless of the reason.

[Lissou]

Still seems rather unpleasant to be in love with someone and then have them leave, regardless of the reason.

I agree, but I also understand. If someone leaves me because they realise they're gay, it's sad, but nothing I can help. Most other circumstances can have you blame yourself, wonder what you did wrong or what you could have done differently, and torture yourself over it. At least this doesn't.

[golentan]

Well. My probably-not-a-date went well. We have similar tastes in media, he laughed at even my really bad jokes, he liked my cooking, he kindly let me win at chinese checkers, he's witty and gregarious when given free reign, and my crush has gone to full blown early stage infatuation. He said he'd call and we'll get together again some time soon.

On the unfortunate side, I still have no idea if he's interested in more than just hanging out.

[Coidzor]

So. A question just got randomly posed to me and I have no real clue how to answer it.

A girl was asking me how one tells if one has degraded from potential girlfriend material into just a booty call in the eyes of men.

[Serpentine]

I'm glad to hear it, Golentan :smallsmile: Sounds good to me, anyways. Any physical contact?

[golentan]

I'm glad to hear it, Golentan :smallsmile: Sounds good to me, anyways. Any physical contact?

A bit of shoulder touching, we bumped hands over the chicken, and hugged goodnight.

[Serpentine]

You're in, mate! :smallbiggrin:
...okay, maybe not, but still :smalltongue:

[golentan]

You're in, mate! :smallbiggrin:
...okay, maybe not, but still :smalltongue:

It looks a lot less obvious from where I'm standing. :smallsigh:

[rayne_dragon]

I wouldn't say it is obvious, but it has certain leanings.... Really depends on exactly what your local male culture is like. Do guys normally touch each other at all or do they maintain 3' of personal space from each other at all times? If the latter, it might be safe to presume that he might be into you and that you should just outright ask him. Otherwise, that could all be relatively normal, but I was under the impression any touching between men is usually considered gay (can you tell I grew up in a small christian town? :smalltongue:).

[golentan]

Yeah, but I was the one initiating most of the touching.

I almost went for a snuggle on the couch, but chickened out and gave him like a foot and a half of space instead.

[Serpentine]

Hm. Dunno. If he didn't avoid it, it's still not a bad sign. In any case, MORE DATA REQUIRED.

[golentan]

Yes. I hope to collect more data soon.

I am planning to ask him straight* up the next time I see him.

*hopefully not.

[Vella_Malachite]

^: Shuggedywha? Emotional Honesty?

:smallconfused: I feel like I've missed some crucial post and yet I went looking and still haven't found where this tale started.


Ah, this may require explanation, might it?

Well, basically, one of the reasons why the relationship went downhill was because he always wanted to know precisely what I was thinking, and he was freaking out a bit because I would never tell him, or I would get uncomfortable and then lie.

His view of a relationship is that it's completely open, and you always have to share whatever you're thinking with your SO, so that you always know where you stand and everything's above board. I, on the other hand, am a really closed-off person, emotionally, and I can't imagine any situation that could possibly necessitate always sharing what I'm thinking with someone. His major relationship definition is honesty and openness, mine is respect. *shrug*. Just different worldviews.

So I got a mini-lecture. Nothing like a from-parents lecture, or a from-teacher lecture - just a piece of advice to be more emotionally honest next time I'm in a relationship. In all honesty, I probably won't follow it, but I figured I broke up with him, the least I can do is take the advice without arguing.

Also, "shuggedywha" is the most awesome sound that can be produced by the human vocal chords. That is all.
Well, maybe not. But it comes close.

[Innis Cabal]

Innis: Thanks for reminding me of Solitary Man (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5rVmXyZP5s), I just had to go listen to that song myself.

Huh what? You're welcome?

[Glass Mouse]

I hadn't read the beginning of this discussion, but now I'm curious. What word do you mean?

Significant other. Counting the space.


I like "partner" and "spouse", but they tend to imply a more "serious" relationship than "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" do. I guess for a more casual relationship, the word "date" works too and is gender neutral.
Really, English has a lot of gender neutral words for someone you're in a relationship, I feel.

Hmm, true enough. Still, for the inbetween "casual dating" and "as good as married" there's only boy/girlfriend and SO. I guess I'm just being annoying because I'm used to having that word (but lacking a more serious one) :smalltongue:


Those studies are really interesting. They match how I think, at the very least.


So I don't want to go into specifics, but I have a friend whose made a life altering choice, and it's something I can not support. At all. What do I do? (Please don't say ignore it, I'm not the most rational person @ times.)

I know I'm repeating someone else, but...

You can't make other people's decisions for them. Seriously, you CAN'T. You can tell them your opinion, and if they were inclined to make "your" decision anyway, they might. If they weren't... no chance.

It's harsh, but people are like that. We don't wanna be told what to do.

Now, if your friend is actually in a position where s/he doesn't think rationally or can decide for hirself, and is doing something really hurtful to hirself, then you should probably enlist the help of parents and other friends - and get hir in therapy and on medication asap.
But that seems a tad more serious than what you were going for.


Yes. I hope to collect more data soon.

I am planning to ask him straight* up the next time I see him.

*hopefully not.

Go Golentan! I'm glad you found someone awesome, and I really hope the signs are what they seem :smallsmile:

[Ricky S]

You take being dumped incredibly well. :smallconfused: How is that?

Yea well if she is breaking up with me for a girl it is obviously because she has to work out her sexuality. I dont mind that because there is nothing I can do short of getting a sex change. So there is no point getting worked up about it.

If she left me for another guy though I would be hurt because then it is an attack on me personally. Saying that they are better than I am in some way.

And yes I have been broken up with twice before by chicks who realised they were gay.

[Starbuck_II]

So. A question just got randomly posed to me and I have no real clue how to answer it.

A girl was asking me how one tells if one has degraded from potential girlfriend material into just a booty call in the eyes of men.

What does she mean?
Has he acted different?
I assume as booty call he would act less romantic as he doesn't want more than sex.

[Gaius Marius]

What does she mean?
Has he acted different?
I assume as booty call he would act less romantic as he doesn't want more than sex.

I guess if the sole purpose of the relationship is physical intimacy, rather soulmating.

Soulmating can have significant interpretation and application, be warned.

[Ricky S]

Can someone give me some advice on how to enter a relationship? I can pick up women for one night stands easily but I dont know how to make the step from that to a relationship. Any ideas?

[term1nally s1ck]

Get her details, and stay in touch.

If you talk and see her more than once or twice a week, keep up the romantic and sexual tension, and keep her wanting more, she'll assume you're in a relationship before too long. (And I know that because I had the OPPOSITE problem for a while....women I didn't want anything serious with assuming we were in a relationship.)

You don't need to do relationship-type things, you don't need to ask her out explicitly, you just need to see each other on a regular basis. Once you're in a relationship, being romantic and sweet sometimes is great, as long as it's not predictable. (Except her birthdays. Always be sweet and romantic on birthdays. Always.)


EDIT: @Vella, re Emotional Honesty.

He's taking it too far.

You must always be able to talk about anything that is causing a problem. You do not need to always talk about every little thing that you think about. He's being silly and trying to shift some of the blame subconsciously so he doesn't have to accept that he caused the relationship to die by refusing to compromise on an issue.

[Coidzor]

Still, that is a fairly standard "Am I being sufficiently sexy or would you like to give me some feedback so I can be more sexy or should we just stop?" cue, so there's definitely some contexts where one really should at least give an attempt of answering it.

[absolmorph]

Argh. My current crush is confusing me more and more.
As mentioned previously, we hung out for a while on Friday. It was just the two of us, and we walked around and talked and windowshopped in antique stores (my idea, actually :smalltongue: ).
And then I walked her home, partially because her house was directly on the path I took to and from where we hung out.

I also saw her yesterday, 'cause our little group (3 girls and me) went to a Renaissance Fair. As the day progressed, we ended up walking in two pairs (one behind the other) rather often. Most of the time this happened, it was her next to me. We were also both in the back seat on the drive up and back, and on the way back we ended up sort of cuddling; her head was on my shoulder and my head resting on top of hers (it was kind of hard because there was the middle seat in between us).
And also our hugs have been getting longer lately. I dunno if it's just because both of us like hugs and we're both just not letting go as quickly because of that or what.

Part of me is like "Dude, look at all of this stuff that says she likes you!", but another part of me is responding with "But what if you're only seeing it that way because you like her?"
On the other hand, she's accepting enough that I suspect that even if she isn't interested and I ask her out, things wouldn't be totally screwed over.
On the third hand, I can't help but feel that asking out 2/3 of the other members of the group might cause some awkward.

[Gaelbert]

Argh. My current crush is confusing me more and more.
As mentioned previously, we hung out for a while on Friday. It was just the two of us, and we walked around and talked and windowshopped in antique stores (my idea, actually :smalltongue: ).
And then I walked her home, partially because her house was directly on the path I took to and from where we hung out.

I also saw her yesterday, 'cause our little group (3 girls and me) went to a Renaissance Fair. As the day progressed, we ended up walking in two pairs (one behind the other) rather often. Most of the time this happened, it was her next to me. We were also both in the back seat on the drive up and back, and on the way back we ended up sort of cuddling; her head was on my shoulder and my head resting on top of hers (it was kind of hard because there was the middle seat in between us).
And also our hugs have been getting longer lately. I dunno if it's just because both of us like hugs and we're both just not letting go as quickly because of that or what.

Part of me is like "Dude, look at all of this stuff that says she likes you!", but another part of me is responding with "But what if you're only seeing it that way because you like her?"
On the other hand, she's accepting enough that I suspect that even if she isn't interested and I ask her out, things wouldn't be totally screwed over.
On the third hand, I can't help but feel that asking out 2/3 of the other members of the group might cause some awkward.

Ask her out. From everything you've said, it seems like she's interested. And even if it doesn't work out, things usually aren't as bad as you expect them to be.

[Gaius Marius]

At that point, she doesn't mind physical proximity with you. She is clearly at ease being close to you, and also alone with you. She seems to seek comfort with you (meaning when everybody splits into grouplets, you are togheter most of the time).

It's not 100% sure, obviously, but it's pretty good evidence she likes you. Like, you know, likes you.

Make your move. Next time you walk her home, or at the very least, when you two are alone, facing each other, at a moment and place your guts feel is appropriate, slowly lean is to kiss her on the cheek.

Now, the trick there, is to see how she reacts to your move. You have to go back out slowly, and make eye contact. The trick is to be able to read if she feels at odds or not with what you just did. Her twitching, making sudden moves, etc.. is maybe a bad sign. If she is motionless, and just stare at you, it's GOOD. You gotta stop going back, and keep your two faces close together while staring in each other's eyes...

...

And then, the magic might happen. She won't be surprised if you try to kiss her. She certainly let herself be kissed, and.. you managed to create the feeling of the moment.


going for the mouth-kiss suddenly is usually a bad idea. A build-up with itense eye-contact is usually the way to go, IMHO...


(please tell me if my english is too broken.. or if my explanations are too havoc. Sometimes, I metaphorgot myself)

[term1nally s1ck]

More importantly, if you don't ask her out soon, flirt and tease, and make sure the spark that seems to be there doesn't die.

[absolmorph]

Ask her out. From everything you've said, it seems like she's interested. And even if it doesn't work out, things usually aren't as bad as you expect them to be.
If she says no, I don't expect things to be that bad, but there's always a chance.

@Gaius Marius: I'm not sure if it's most of the time (since, for a lot of the fair, I was walking either ahead of or behind the girls), but I do see your point.
Also, if I kissed her cheek, I have a feeling she'd at first think I licked her.


More importantly, if you don't ask her out soon, flirt and tease, and make sure the spark that seems to be there doesn't die.
I don't think there's a risk of me not flirting with her :smalltongue:

[Gaelbert]

So I have a problem. I have a friend whom I'm interested in, and I'm pretty sure this friend is interested in me. This friend constantly brings up his/her criteria for dating, and then tells me how I fulfill every single aspect. This friend had his/her spirit animal read and was told that he/she would go well with an owl. The friend then turned to me and said, "Hey, you're an owl." So unless I'm seriously misreading these cues and others, this friend is interested. The problem is, when classes end for the summer in two weeks we're not going to see each other for 2 months, maybe more. We don't live terribly close to each other, so seeing each other over the summer would be unlikely. I would like to enter a relationship with this friend, but I don't know if I should try for these two (very busy) weeks and then have the entire summer apart, or just wait until the next academic year and hope things are still the same.

[DeadManSleeping]

Are you unsure of your friend's sex? That's something good to know before you enter into a relationship of a sexual nature. Please check at your earliest convenience.
We don't judge here, bro. Honesty and detail help us help you

Depending on your age, long distance might not be as big a deal. Transportation is easy in this day and age, and interweb contact is pretty pro (get Skype or similar). Just as long as you don't have parents to stop you. :smalltongue:

Anyway, I say go for it. The instant you are attracted to a person, their chances of being asked out by other people increase by a bazzilionfold. It's a scientific law. Don't wait.

[Starbuck_II]

Trust in the force. Do what it tells you. Wait, wrong movie:

Well, would you rather wait now (till after summer to ask out) or wait later (try to date now then wait during summer)?
That is your conumdrum.

[Coidzor]

So I have a problem. I have a friend whom I'm interested in, and I'm pretty sure this friend is interested in me. This friend constantly brings up his/her criteria for dating, and then tells me how I fulfill every single aspect. This friend had his/her spirit animal read and was told that he/she would go well with an owl. The friend then turned to me and said, "Hey, you're an owl." So unless I'm seriously misreading these cues and others, this friend is interested. The problem is, when classes end for the summer in two weeks we're not going to see each other for 2 months, maybe more. We don't live terribly close to each other, so seeing each other over the summer would be unlikely. I would like to enter a relationship with this friend, but I don't know if I should try for these two (very busy) weeks and then have the entire summer apart, or just wait until the next academic year and hope things are still the same.

I dunno, I'd be leery of someone laying it on that thick, especially with them telling me that I was their destiny. As for the two paths you've set yourself upon choosing between, either could work, and the former would let you know what she was like when far from her lover before you really got too deeply attached...

Sorry to hear things ended with your last g/f though, she seemed rather nifty.

[Gaelbert]

Well, would you rather wait now (till after summer to ask out) or wait later (try to date now then wait during summer)?
That is your conumdrum.

Well yes, it is my conundrum.


Are you unsure of your friend's sex? That's something good to know before you enter into a relationship of a sexual nature. Please check at your earliest convenience.
We don't judge here, bro. Honesty and detail help us help you

Depending on your age, long distance might not be as big a deal. Transportation is easy in this day and age, and interweb contact is pretty pro (get Skype or similar). Just as long as you don't have parents to stop you. :smalltongue:

Anyway, I say go for it. The instant you are attracted to a person, their chances of being asked out by other people increase by a bazzilionfold. It's a scientific law. Don't wait.

Barring any surprises, I do know my friend's sex. But to be frank, it doesn't matter to me and I prefer ambiguity. If sex and gender is terribly relevant, then I'll consider disclosing it. But I'm a fairly private person, and I have a hard time with these things.
The problem is, I got out of a fairly long distance relationship within the last few months, and I'm still somewhat drained by it. I don't know if it was the relationship in particular, or the distance, or what, though.
And the other problem is that even if I try to go ahead and date now, there's a grand total of one day between now and the end of the school year where we could do anything together at all. Like I said, it's going to be a very busy couple of weeks.



I dunno, I'd be leery of someone laying it on that thick, especially with them telling me that I was their destiny. As for the two paths you've set yourself upon choosing between, either could work, and the former would let you know what she was like when far from her lover before you really got too deeply attached...

Sorry to hear things ended with your last g/f though, she seemed rather nifty.
That was something of a joke, neither of us were taking the psychic person seriously at all. But it was indicative of an underlying theme.
And I'd really rather not get into that.

[Coidzor]

That was something of a joke, neither of us were taking the psychic person seriously at all. But it was indicative of an underlying theme.

Indeed. Well, if you're too tired to do a LDR now, you're too tired.

[Keld Denar]

Well, she told me that she's in love with me (not that I couldn't tell she was, but the act of saying it makes it seem more real). I wasn't sure what to do, so I said it back in a moment of panic. I can't say it was ungenuine, I do care for her an awful lot, but...yea.

We talked about a lot of other things. We don't want to cohabitate. She likes having her own place, she faught hard to earn it after her divorce, and she isn't ready to give up her space, however small it is. I agree. I like spending the night, but only 1-2 days a week. More than that and my leg starts to get twitchy and I need to take a walk AWAY from the other person. She feels the same way. We mostly hang out when she doesn't have her kids, but even when she does, I like hanging out with them (and they like me).

I mean, on the surface it seems like a perfect relationship for me. Its about as casual as two people can get given our feeling. We even have talks about making sure we don't smother each other and stuff. Why am I still freaking out inside? Our "right now" is amazing, but I don't think our "forever" will work. And I'm torn between wanting and not wanting "forever" and don't know what to do.

ION: I just found out yet another girl I know has a crush on me. My fortune cookie last night said something about my "magnetic personality attracting people to me" was really uncanny. Stupid fortune cookies always being right...

[Starbuck_II]

Any chance you can share that magneticness? :smalltongue:

So how do you feel about her?
I understand the space thing.
(I'm against moving in before marriage on principle.)

[LaZodiac]

*snip*

Go with the Right Now. If it becomes Forever, it becomes Forever. If not, it doesn't. I'm aware of how...kinda dumb that sounds, but that's just how it goes.

[DeadManSleeping]

Honestly, Keld, I think that your worry arises from the popular concept of a 'perfect relationship'. You know you're in a tricky thing, and you're doing your best to do right by all the people involved. And you really care. You're in a healthier relationship than many married or otherwise long-term couples. Still, if you're looking at other girls, make sure it's all cleared by your special lady. Good for the relationship, and keeping track of a long-term partner's sexual habits can make sure that STIs stop at least one person sooner, if that becomes an issue. It's just a good idea all around.

[Lissou]

Can someone give me some advice on how to enter a relationship? I can pick up women for one night stands easily but I dont know how to make the step from that to a relationship. Any ideas?

Er... call them back?
Honestly, I'm not sure what you mean. Do they vanish after one night? Are they never interested in seeing you again? What are you struggling with?


Why am I still freaking out inside?

Because you've seen everywhere that "real" relationships are about living together, buying a house, raising kids together, getting married and all of that? And now you're in a relationship you like, where you love each other, and you're worried it HAS to be that way, when it's not what would work for you.

It doesn't HAVE to be that way. Provided you both like it the way it is, that's the way it can be. There are long-term couples who don't live together and it works fine for them. There are people who move in together very early and it works for them. Since you seem to know where your comfort zone is, you need to stick to it, and not listen to people who try and tell you your relationship is any less real, serious or healthy because of it.

[ZombyWoof]

I mean, on the surface it seems like a perfect relationship for me. Its about as casual as two people can get given our feeling. We even have talks about making sure we don't smother each other and stuff. Why am I still freaking out inside? Our "right now" is amazing, but I don't think our "forever" will work. And I'm torn between wanting and not wanting "forever" and don't know what to do.
My sister broke up with her husband twice and called off their marriage once. Because she was freaked out about "what it meant" to be Mrs. X. Eventually she decided that it only meant as much as she wanted it to mean and they ended up getting married. It sounds like you're where she was (though your end result may not be the same!) and freaking out about "what it means" to be with her. Hopefully you'll realize that it means exactly what you want it to mean, no more no less.




ION: I just found out yet another girl I know has a crush on me. My fortune cookie last night said something about my "magnetic personality attracting people to me" was really uncanny. Stupid fortune cookies always being right...
Unless I am terminally_thick I don't think anyone has crushes on me :smallfrown: Can you pass one or two of these ladies my way?

(P.S. what the hell is wrong with me :smallconfused::smallwink:)


EDIT: Am I the only person on earth who gets occasional mild... almost panic attacks... about whether or not one of of my friends is angry with me? I just had this sudden feeling that I've done something that irritated one of my friends and now just want to ask each of them if we're cool.

The worst part is whenever I ask a friend to make sure they act like I'm the weirdest person on earth. And I don't know how to explain, "I just had a random episode of mild psychosis. Don't be alarmed or worried, the worst POSSIBLE outcome for you is that you have to reassure me that it's all in my head and we're still cool. Otherwise it's a free opening to tell me what I'm doing that's bothering you."

Man, I'm weird :smalleek:

Also is it just me or do the smilies change order? o.O Looks like they're randomized?

[Adumbration]

What's the general stance on what casual brushing of the feet/prolonged contact not initiated by the guy means? Also other kinds of physical contact? The reason I'm asking is I've lately found myself in a fair amount of such situations: girls leaning on me in the lunch line, a girl nudging me with her foot/resting it against mine under the table et cetera.

Just curious. It feels ridiculous to ask, considering I think I know the answer - I don't think it means anything - but sometimes I just get the feeling I'm being bludgeoned by a gargantuan clue bat and I'm totally missing it. So better safe than sorry.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Juste leaning on/them using your feet as footstool for their feet just means the girl is very comfortable with you. I can say nothing more without knowing more about the situation.

[Gaius Marius]

What's the general stance on what casual brushing of the feet/prolonged contact not initiated by the guy means? Also other kinds of physical contact? The reason I'm asking is I've lately found myself in a fair amount of such situations: girls leaning on me in the lunch line, a girl nudging me with her foot/resting it against mine under the table et cetera.

Just curious. It feels ridiculous to ask, considering I think I know the answer - I don't think it means anything - but sometimes I just get the feeling I'm being bludgeoned by a gargantuan clue bat and I'm totally missing it. So better safe than sorry.

Here is my point of view, but please note that this is a:

- Male
- 25 yrs old
- Single
- Heterosexual

Point of view, so bias might be present.


It's not complicated, she wants your attention. That is good. If you like that kind of person, she also seems to be half-proactive, meaning she is making signs of her availability so you can engage in conversation, rather than engage herself.

Beside that, not much I can tell you. But she definetly wants to have your attention.

[Adumbration]

Juste leaning on/them using your feet as footstool for their feet just means the girl is very comfortable with you. I can say nothing more without knowing more about the situation.

Well, it wasn't exactly leaning or using as a footstool - she just sort of brushed her feet against mine (sitting crosslegged on a revolving chair) and after a few times left them there for some time. Gah, I feel silly for describing this. She didn't seem to be particularly at ease, though. At the time she was asking if I was coming to the college-arranged 5-10 km run followed by sauna - an event I had been intending to attend, but I had sent the answering mail to the wrong guy, so I don't think my name was on the list. She briefly tried to argue that I should come anyway, but I sort of wasn't feeling like it anyway and the matter was dropped.

[Coidzor]

Well, if she was purposefully leaving her feet there, then that's generally a sign of *SOMETHING.* And you only have two options here. Assume it's a sign of her wanting to tell you something or Ask her if she doesn't have enough legroom of her own.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Well, if she was purposefully leaving her feet there, then that's generally a sign of *SOMETHING.* And you only have two options here. Assume it's a sign of her wanting to tell you something or Ask her if she doesn't have enough legroom of her own.

If brushing your feet with hers HERPADURP. Correction, If she's brushing her feet against yours(clear now?) and THEN leaving them there, this is is VERY correct. Though try some flirting or such first, since the ''uncomfortable'' part makes me think that she might be a tad shy/insecure.

Especially since you ''indirectly'' refused to go hang out with her(dunno if she was asking you to go do that thing with her or with a group), and she even argued that you should come... Yep, that'l make a slight point towards you not being interested in her.(Or it may show you as lazy/not that fond of exercise:smalltongue:)

[Adumbration]

If brushing your feet with hers and THEN leaving them there, this is is VERY correct. Though try some flirting or such first, since the ''uncomfortable'' part makes me think that she might be a tad shy/insecure.

The other way around, she was brushing my feet with hers. Anyway, it's just kinda strange. I don't really see her as shy or insecure. There wasn't really any shortage of space, either - I generally speaking take very little footspace, usually folding them under the chair.

Ah well, I think it's time to stop analyzing. It's not really wise to take an isolated incident and read into it too much.

[Gaius Marius]

The other way around, she was brushing my feet with hers.

Wait. What?

How does that works?

[Adumbration]

Wait. What?

How does that works?

I think one of us is experiencing brain fart, and I'm not particularly sure which. :smalltongue: To elaborate, she was touching my feet - with her feet. (Also, English isn't my native language, so there may be a misconception I'm not aware of.)

[Coidzor]

The other way around, she was brushing my feet with hers. That's what he said, albeit a bit cumbersomely.


Anyway, it's just kinda strange. I don't really see her as shy or insecure. There wasn't really any shortage of space, either - I generally speaking take very little footspace, usually folding them under the chair.

Ah well, I think it's time to stop analyzing. It's not really wise to take an isolated incident and read into it too much.

Especially when you shut her down pretty effectively. I'd recommend apologizing if you want to investigate it further at all.

[Starbuck_II]

Well, it wasn't exactly leaning or using as a footstool - she just sort of brushed her feet against mine (sitting crosslegged on a revolving chair) and after a few times left them there for some time. Gah, I feel silly for describing this. She didn't seem to be particularly at ease, though. At the time she was asking if I was coming to the college-arranged 5-10 km run followed by sauna - an event I had been intending to attend, but I had sent the answering mail to the wrong guy, so I don't think my name was on the list. She briefly tried to argue that I should come anyway, but I sort of wasn't feeling like it anyway and the matter was dropped.
What I can read:
Dude, she likes you. And you gave a signal thart you aren't interested.

She was trying to arrange a time to hang out (that event) and thought you should come anyway so you could.

Now she might only like you as a friend, but she might be trying for more.
Either way she is comfortable being around you (although she can be shy regardless).

[Gaius Marius]

I think one of us is experiencing brain fart, and I'm not particularly sure which. :smalltongue: To elaborate, she was touching my feet - with her feet. (Also, English isn't my native language, so there may be a misconception I'm not aware of.)

All right. She was brushing your feet with hers.

[Lissou]

[...]brushing your feet with hers[...]
The other way around, she was brushing my feet with hers.

Er...

Anyways, caressing one's feet/legs with your feet is a pretty common way of flirting where I come from. It's similar to touching someone's arms/hands with your hands.
I guess it's possible she didn't have much leg room or didn't realise it was your feet, but since she was also talking in a friendly way I would say it was probably a good sign.

I'm not sure if asking "do you need more leg room?" would work. If she was flirting, she could see it as you showing you're not interested and giving her a way out so she's not embarrassed by being rejected in a more obvious way. Or at the very least, she'll think you were oblivious to her flirting (if it was flirting) and could conclude that you're not interested in her.

I think the right attitude would be to ask if she needs more leg room if you're not interested, and if you are to smile and not end contact.
Some people are more touchy-feely than others, but you don't generally touch someone you dislike, so even if she doesn't like you that way it at the very least means she's being friendly.

[Adumbration]

Jeah, must've misread originally. Sorry!

Okay, so now the problem is threefold: one, I'm not good at flirting. Seriously. If I try consciously, I screw it up horribly and end up deeply embarrassed within. So as a general rule I don't. Two, I don't know if I want to: I'm not sure if the rewards are worth the trouble and the pain. Three, I have a horrible self-esteem and I'm mildly depressed. Those are not good things to impose on anyone (and are highly unattractive - one of the reasons why I find it highly improbable that anyone would be interested in me).

[ZombyWoof]

Use a mildly sarcastic tone of voice and be sure to smile the whole time. "Need more leg room?" you grin at her devilishly, and then throw in a wink.

If she does she'll think the whole "flirting thing" is a joke and laugh.

If she doesn't and she's flirting you'll be able to tell because she'll hopefully blush :smallbiggrin:

... what, I like it when girls blush :smallamused:

[Gaius Marius]

Jeah, must've misread originally. Sorry!

Okay, so now the problem is threefold: one, I'm not good at flirting. Seriously. If I try consciously, I screw it up horribly and end up deeply embarrassed within. So as a general rule I don't. Two, I don't know if I want to: I'm not sure if the rewards are worth the trouble and the pain. Three, I have a horrible self-esteem and I'm mildly depressed. Those are not good things to impose on anyone (and are highly unattractive - one of the reasons why I find it highly improbable that anyone would be interested in me).

Though that maybe all of these are related to each other?

It's one big problem that has multiple symptoms: you just lack confidence in your abilities and yourself. And that makes you not do anything.

'cause you don't do anything, nothing can bring your confidence up.


And what do you mean, "not sure if the rewards are worth the trouble and the pain"?

Do you want to be with the gal?

[Lissou]

That's good advice, Zomby, but I think it's unlikely to work with someone who is bad at flirting ;)

Adumbration, I agree that you should try and work on yourself before getting into a relationship. Not just because you think it's unfair to the other person, but because it can be much harder to deal with your issues when you have someone. If things go bad, you're worse so it hurts you, and if things go well it can have the perverse effect of treating some symptoms and no cause, or said in a clearer way, you don't seek help because you're in love and feel happy, and when the buzz of the beginning fades out you realise it's all still there and possibly even worse than before.

So I would definitely recommend you try hard to get better by yourself (as in, while not in a couple. Do get help from friends, family, etc) before entering a relationship.
That doesn't mean that people who are in a relationship and depressed need to break up, mind you, it just adds a list of completely different challenges.

Even if your depression is due to loneliness, you win by finding ways to cope with that rather than getting in a relationship, because your relationship might end and leave you worse off otherwise. It's way more reliable if your "cure" comes from within and doesn't risk fading away.

[ZombyWoof]

That's good advice, Zomby, but I think it's unlikely to work with someone who is bad at flirting ;):smallyuk: Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually bad at this "flirting" thing or if I'm just that hideously unappealing. Then I'm actually confused as to which one is better :smallwink:

Shortly afterwords; however, the question becomes "which drink will I down first?" and shortly after THAT the world becomes twice as awesome :smallwink:
double-vision joke.




Adumbration, I agree that you should try and work on yourself before getting into a relationship. Not just because you think it's unfair to the other person, but because it can be much harder to deal with your issues when you have someone. If things go bad, you're worse so it hurts you, and if things go well it can have the perverse effect of treating some symptoms and no cause, or said in a clearer way, you don't seek help because you're in love and feel happy, and when the buzz of the beginning fades out you realise it's all still there and possibly even worse than before.

So I would definitely recommend you try hard to get better by yourself (as in, while not in a couple. Do get help from friends, family, etc) before entering a relationship.
That doesn't mean that people who are in a relationship and depressed need to break up, mind you, it just adds a list of completely different challenges.

Even if your depression is due to loneliness, you win by finding ways to cope with that rather than getting in a relationship, because your relationship might end and leave you worse off otherwise. It's way more reliable if your "cure" comes from within and doesn't risk fading away.
I'd like to add an addendum to this:

Don't throw away a shot at happiness because your'e not sure if you can handle it. I made that mistake in my life too many times and it's left me an embittered and lonely old man. If she makes you happy and you feel good around her, toss aside all the considerations and try and be happy.

So I guess I'd say: don't seek a relationship, but if one falls in your lap don't turn it away because that's, in my mind, a symptom of depression: "I can't handle this/I'm not worth it." It reinforces the dark feelings and can lead to a bad loop.

In any event seek help. You can get help while in a relationship or out of a relationship. Heck, you could probably even get help if you were on the moon, though the long-distance phone charges might be absurd :smallwink:

[Adumbration]

I'm also apathetic, disillusioned and lost my faith in people. Not yet embittered, buuut I expect I'll get there eventually. I'm also bad at talking about my problems in person and I'm slightly paranoid about visits to a psychologist or psychiatric help affecting my future career. I say I'm mildly depressed because it is only mild - I am not in pain, merely apathetic. And even that fluctuates. I'm not completely unhappy, but I am becoming increasing asocial and withdrawn and where once I tried hard to fit in and be part of a group and make friends, I find myself lacking motivation. Why should it work now when it has never worked before? I also find this to not be a problem.

Aanyway, thanks for all the replies, but I think this conversation is moving away from the topic. I should probably pay the depression thread a visit again. :smalltongue:

[Lissou]

So I guess I'd say: don't seek a relationship, but if one falls in your lap don't turn it away because that's, in my mind, a symptom of depression: "I can't handle this/I'm not worth it." It reinforces the dark feelings and can lead to a bad loop.

Yes, that is true too. I was going with that when I said "don't use it as a reason to break up", but it can be the same thing here... If you're in love and she's in love and all of that, you shouldn't just decide it wouldn't work.
You can also say "listen, I like you, I really do, I want to work on myself first for a bit and stay in touch with you for now" if you don't to go full into a relationship right away. It's not a choice between relationship now or relationship never, it's possible to be open about your issues and the fact you want to work on them.
Or you can start a relationship and work on your issues.

My point was more "don't use a relationship as an excuse not to seek help because you think you feel better now". Sadly I know a bunch of people who did that and it delayed their getting help.


I'm also apathetic, disillusioned and lost my faith in people. Not yet embittered, buuut I expect I'll get there eventually. I'm also bad at talking about my problems in person and I'm slightly paranoid about visits to a psychologist or psychiatric help affecting my future career. I say I'm mildly depressed because it is only mild - I am not in pain, merely apathetic. And even that fluctuates. I'm not completely unhappy, but I am becoming increasing asocial and withdrawn and where once I tried hard to fit in and be part of a group and make friends, I find myself lacking motivation. Why should it work now when it has never worked before? I also find this to not be a problem.


All the bold things are actually signs of depression. Sadly, not seeking help and finding excuses not to seek help (it wouldn't work, people might get a worse opinion of me) are in themselves reasons to believe you need help. Apathy, not caring, these are symptoms too. So is minimizing your symptoms ("It's not that bad, I'm not in pain"; or "don't bother talking about it, it's really nothing/not worth it").

I think that's the reason depression can be so bad. People suffering from it are the first ones to say it's nothing at all. Yet they need help.

If you don't trust therapy, I would recommend finding a book about anxiety (often linked to depression) and ways to relax. Things like meditating and exercising regularly can help with that (it's about body chemistry as far as I know).
And if you can talk to people about it, you'll have people to count on. I know it's easier said than done, but you need to realise that you are worth it and that it's important. You wouldn't neglect a broken arm just because it might get better, right? Just because you're not in pain and it's not something visible doesn't mean it's less serious, just sneakier.

And I think it's kind of related to this thread. I think your relationship with yourself is as important as other relationships you have, actually more because it comes first. If you have a bad relationship with yourself, it can cause relationships with others to deteriorate or prevent new ones from forming.

[Dienekes]

I'm also apathetic, disillusioned and lost my faith in people. Not yet embittered, buuut I expect I'll get there eventually. I'm also bad at talking about my problems in person and I'm slightly paranoid about visits to a psychologist or psychiatric help affecting my future career. I say I'm mildly depressed because it is only mild - I am not in pain, merely apathetic. And even that fluctuates. I'm not completely unhappy, but I am becoming increasing asocial and withdrawn and where once I tried hard to fit in and be part of a group and make friends, I find myself lacking motivation. Why should it work now when it has never worked before? I also find this to not be a problem.

Aanyway, thanks for all the replies, but I think this conversation is moving away from the topic. I should probably pay the depression thread a visit again. :smalltongue:

Boss you more or less described me. Nothing wrong with it if you don't find it a problem. But if you kinda do you have to ask yourself, do you want to remain this way? In all seriousness. You get nowhere if you don't try to take a step in the direction you want to go. If you like how you are now, apathetic and antisocial, then join the club and you can come over, I'll buy you a beer.
But if you don't want to become that kind of recluse then you'll have to take some risks eventually.

[Form]

Jeah, must've misread originally. Sorry!

Okay, so now the problem is threefold: one, I'm not good at flirting. Seriously. If I try consciously, I screw it up horribly and end up deeply embarrassed within. So as a general rule I don't. Two, I don't know if I want to: I'm not sure if the rewards are worth the trouble and the pain. Three, I have a horrible self-esteem and I'm mildly depressed. Those are not good things to impose on anyone (and are highly unattractive - one of the reasons why I find it highly improbable that anyone would be interested in me).

Seems to me you have a good opportunity here. Do you like her? Are you interested in her? Then go for it. Just because you have some issues to work on doesn't mean you can't enter into a relationship.

If you're afraid of screwing up then that is all the more reason to do it because you can't let fear get the better of you. I still think, in spite of not having any success myself so far, a shot at love is worth the trouble and the pain.

It's good that you're aware of your problems, but don't use it as an excuse to let a chance like this go to waste. You may even end up regretting it later if you do.

[Adumbration]

Boss you more or less described me. Nothing wrong with it if you don't find it a problem. But if you kinda do you have to ask yourself, do you want to remain this way? In all seriousness. You get nowhere if you don't try to take a step in the direction you want to go. If you like how you are now, apathetic and antisocial, then join the club and you can come over, I'll buy you a beer.
But if you don't want to become that kind of recluse then you'll have to take some risks eventually.

That's the thing, mate - all those risks, all those chances: I've already taken them. I think I've genuinely given a shot at these things - I've asked out girls that I've fancied (well, okay, 2 girls and both refused, but you get the point), I've gone with the flow, I've been to parties, I've been friendly and outgoing. I have danced with strangers and seen attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. Okay, maybe that last one was a movie quote, but you get the point.

Eh, who knows. This fugue will probably pass soon enough by itself. In a way, writing this has been a catharsis in itself. Thanks guys.


Seems to me you have a good opportunity here. Do you like her? Are you interested in her? Then go for it. Just because you have some issues to work on doesn't mean you can't enter into a relationship.

If you're afraid of screwing up then that is all the more reason to do it because you can't let fear get the better of you. I still think, in spite of not having any success myself so far, a shot at love is worth the trouble and the pain.

It's good that you're aware of your problems, but don't use it as an excuse to let a chance like this go to waste. You may even end up regretting it later if you do.

Well... I'm not really interested in her that way, to be frank. She's a nice lass and all, but I don't know if we have anything in common to speak of. And that's in addition to the fact that we're making an enormous assumption on her motives based on my flawed description of the events, which in themselves were rather insignificant.

[Dienekes]

That's the thing, mate - all those risks, all those chances: I've already taken them. I think I've genuinely given a shot at these things - I've asked out girls that I've fancied (well, okay, 2 girls and both refused, but you get the point), I've gone with the flow, I've been to parties, I've been friendly and outgoing. I have danced with strangers and seen attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. Okay, maybe that last one was a movie quote, but you get the point.

Eh, who knows. This fugue will probably pass soon enough by itself. In a way, writing this has been a catharsis in itself. Thanks guys.

And you think I haven't? Ok, admittedly I've never danced with strangers (hate dancing personally), but the rest of the serious junk. Life is what you make it. For me I've chosen a closed door, a nice book, and classical music. And that was the right choice for me. I'm happier and more relaxed now than I ever was actually talking to people and doing the whole dating game. But don't deny what this path is, a dead end road.

To others its going out to and finding a mate to spend time with. This way is going to make you hurt, can't be helped. But to some the reward is well worth the risk. Hope you pick the path best for you.

But if you do decide on the more adventurous lifestyle don't feel you have to go out with this chick either. Being willing to take risks doesn't mean you have to take all of them. If you think there's no spark with this girl, there's no spark.

[Keld Denar]

Eh, it only takes one. If you try and fail a million times, but succeed in finding someone who compliments you in every way just one time, then those million failures will not have been in vane.

Also, success breeds success. If you finally get a first date, and it goes ok but not great, it'll be easier to get more first dates, and eventually you'll gain enough experience points to make it to a second date, and to a third date, etc.

You just have to keep trying. Have any of the rejections you've gotten REALLY negatively affected you? Are you really THAT much worse off for asking/trying? I doubt it. It stings a bit, sure, but its not life changing. Just keep driving forward, ever forward.

[Starbuck_II]

Well... I'm not really interested in her that way, to be frank. She's a nice lass and all, but I don't know if we have anything in common to speak of. And that's in addition to the fact that we're making an enormous assumption on her motives based on my flawed description of the events, which in themselves were rather insignificant.
Well, won't you find out if you have things in common on the date? Or do you like to research a person before asking them out?
I mean, how can you find out if you have anything in common other than talking with them in that way?


Wow, though, that last comment from from Keld was to was to Adumbration, I rather needed it.

[Gaius Marius]

Eh, it only takes one. If you try and fail a million times, but succeed in finding someone who compliments you in every way just one time, then those million failures will not have been in vane.

Also, success breeds success. If you finally get a first date, and it goes ok but not great, it'll be easier to get more first dates, and eventually you'll gain enough experience points to make it to a second date, and to a third date, etc.

You just have to keep trying. Have any of the rejections you've gotten REALLY negatively affected you? Are you really THAT much worse off for asking/trying? I doubt it. It stings a bit, sure, but its not life changing. Just keep driving forward, ever forward.

Here is a little probability joke:

Love is a geometric function. You will only know failure until you have your success... :smallredface:

[ZombyWoof]

I'm also apathetic, disillusioned and lost my faith in people. Not yet embittered, buuut I expect I'll get there eventually. I'm also bad at talking about my problems in person and I'm slightly paranoid about visits to a psychologist or psychiatric help affecting my future career. I say I'm mildly depressed because it is only mild - I am not in pain, merely apathetic. And even that fluctuates. I'm not completely unhappy, but I am becoming increasing asocial and withdrawn and where once I tried hard to fit in and be part of a group and make friends, I find myself lacking motivation. Why should it work now when it has never worked before? I also find this to not be a problem.

Depression is a disease. It is more debilitating and about as deadly as cancer. If you found a really unusual lump of skin that was discolored and hurt when you touched it, would you sit around thinking "Huh, that's weird. Oh well, nothing I can do about it!" or would you go to a doctor to make sure you didn't have melanoma? It's the same thing here. Depression, I want to say this again, is a treatable disease caused by an imbalance of chemicals in your brainmeats.

Oh and seeing a psychologist or a psychiatrist can't hurt your future career. Period. They are confidential and without a court order the conversations between you and your counselor or doctor can't be accessed by anyone without your permission. If your counselor suspects you have depression you can talk about a wide range of treatments that don't involve medication if that's what's important to you.

You are not a weak or bad person for seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist. You are not a weak or bad person for being depressed. Anyone who says so is a complete idiot and needs to check themselves before they wreck themselves. Any employer or person who would look down on you for seeing a psychologist isn't worth working for or associating with.

*I* see a psychologist for *my* depression. Is mine severe and constant? It's nowhere near as severe and constant as yours and yet it is still there. Do you know what my counselor and I talk about? We talk about my plans for the future, what I want to do with my life, what fascinates me, what cool things I've learned, and how I feel about the NFL Lockout and the chances the San Francisco 49ers have at making the playoffs this year (answer: little to none, thank you Alex Smith).

And I will tell you right now: I am a confident person. I am strong and intelligent and I really do like myself even if there's quite a bit I'd like better if it was subtly different. I function normally in society: I work 20ish hours a week, I go out on weekends, I have fun, I party, I play video games, but beneath it all I can admit to you that I have the occasional bout of acute depression and I see a psychologist for exactly that reason.

[Keld Denar]

Wow, though, that last comment from from Keld was to was to Adumbration, I rather needed it.
Yay! I'm useful!


Here is a little probability joke:

Love is a geometric function. You will only know failure until you have your success... :smallredface:

Oh math...is there any relationship issue that you can not model?

[Gaius Marius]

Oh math...is there any relationship issue that you can not model?

None, but probability has little meaning when you work with a population of n = 1

[Malfunctioned]

So that girl, she's not interested. At least I'm pretty certain she isn't.

In any case I've decided not to go after her, it's just not healthy to keep on going after girls that remind me of my ex. Of course that doesn't mean I won't still be flirting with her massively....then again I basically do that with every single friend of mine regardless of gender. :smalltongue:

And there's also the fact that my friend wants to set me up with someone.
And I just found out that the person she wants to set me up with is also friends with my best friend.

So yeah, hopes up for that if I ever meet her, which I should actually be doing at the end of the month. :smallbiggrin:

[Gaius Marius]

So.. There's this girl I've known since my first week of university. I met her totally at random at the time, and we've been good friends ever since. Obviously, all the times I was single in our friendship time, I had a crush on her. The girl oozes charisma. The kind of person that can get you the practice tests of precedent terms from any older student or can easily wiggle clues from a teacher by going to see him with a sad face... :smallwink:

Although, she was with her school sweetheart for most of the time I was in the university. He dumped her, got her back, etc...

Point of note: she be Muslim, morrocan girl. Her sweetheart was to, so you might appreciate the cultural booby traps I have to jump around :smallbiggrin:

We've still had a very close relationship. I even got to sleep over at her place once, which is something absolutely forbbiden in her culture. Don't worry, it was a couch sleep.

Anyway, we've sometime fallen apart by the aleas of life, but every single time, she eventually contact me to renew our friendship. She shares a great deal with me. And I used to give her massage, which sends her into an ecstasy.. Again, not the kind of thing her family should ever learn.

However, she also has the habit of frustrating me to no ends when she doesn't show up at rendez vous. Not only am I a punctuality sucker, she apparently has a multiplying effect on any emotions I feel. Shame, joy, pride, frustration..

So Yhea. We are supposed to meet again soon. We both broke up from our respective relations we were in the last time we met. I just wondering..

.. Well, I always wanted the best for her. A good boyfriend, caring friends. A career where she can accomplish and realise herself (I encouraged her to do danse even if her family was against, because it's not "proper"). I didn't pushed her there, but I was as encouraging as possible, simply because the spark in her eye seemed to make her so happy.

And.. Well, Yhea. We have deep trust between us. She never shown interest in a relationship before, but i have no idea how she grown since last time I met her (more than a year ago!)

Am I just infatuated with my memory of her? Is that simply past brooding? Should i risk a move?

Aaaaaarg... I hate the friend zone. It's such a... Blind spot. I am out of my element, and I am not sure if I can trust my feelings about this.

[golentan]

Curses. My unbroken string remains unbroken. He's not at all interested, but on the plus side he's really cool with it (and apparently flattered). :smallfrown:

[Lissou]

I would like to add about rejection.

I'm someone who only asks guys out when I really, really like them. Like, madly in love, gigantic crush, call it as you will, but it's certainly not in passing. It's important. It's heavy. It's make or break decisions.

I've been rejected before. And it's horrible when you have only been rejected. They add up and you think nobody will ever like you (or nobody you actually like).

But once one person has said yes, it really turns around.
Even if the story ends, you're more confident. When you ask someone and they say no, you're still heartbroken, but you feel better. Because you know it's not about you. It's about them now. It's their tastes, not you sucking at whatever you think you suck at.
Because you know you can be love, because you know you're lovable, you can hang on to that feeling and withstand rejection much better. It's not another nail in your coffin at that point, it's different.

I'm not sure what the lesson here is, but I just want to tell you to hang on, if you do want a relationship. And if you get rejected, I know it's going to be hard for you, but try to dig deep in whatever good feelings you have about yourself, or fake some, and tell yourself that it's about their tastes, and that's all. You're not a terrible person, you're not doomed or luckless, it's not you.

When you look at it objectively, there are lots of people you don't want a relationship with. People you still like as people. People you still like as friends. It says nothing of their worth that you don't want to run away with them and marry them and buy a house or whatever is the stereotype these days. There just isn't that spark for you.
You feel that way towards tons of people. And tons of people are going to feel that way towards you. It's not unfair. The odds of two people having a crush on one another simultaneously aren't that high, and if you're shy and introverted chances are it's what it will take for a relationship (it will be better than dating someone just because, though, so you're better off in the end).

I don't know how helpful or convincing that will be... if I could go back in time, I would give my past self some of that feeling, the comfort of knowing that it's just that, not something I've said or done but just the way things are, and that I'll get over it at some point.
Funny thing is, now that I know that, it's much easier to have unrequited love. I'm not focusing on how much I think they think I suck, so I can focus on making sure they're happy and being happy as a result. Much more zen, really.

[ZombyWoof]

Yeah I have yet to have a girl agree to go out with me 1 on 1 and actually follow through.

[Gaius Marius]

Lissou, I have been I love the way you described a few times in my life. For me, it never worked out.. Except once, and she dumped me after a month.

It is my.. Impression, that developing and nurturing a crush over someone else is just... Mental masturbation. You imagine that she'll love you back, and you just build it up in your head, using your own imagination and great feeling that goes with it.

But it's only involving you. Is that love? Isn't love supposed to be shared? Is it really a mere unilateral sentiment?

[Starbuck_II]

Yeah I have yet to have a girl agree to go out with me 1 on 1 and actually follow through.

Really? I've only had it once.
And sadly the date didn't work out (friend zoned after the fact).

[Lissou]

Lissou, I have been I love the way you described a few times in my life. For me, it never worked out.. Except once, and she dumped me after a month.

It is my.. Impression, that developing and nurturing a crush over someone else is just... Mental masturbation. You imagine that she'll love you back, and you just build it up in your head, using your own imagination and great feeling that goes with it.

But it's only involving you. Is that love? Isn't love supposed to be shared? Is it really a mere unilateral sentiment?

I don't know... I totally understand that. On the other hand, I wouldn't want a relationship with someone I don't feel that way about. If I don't feel that way, then why would I want to share my life with them? That's how I feel.

But... It has worked for me. And when it develops out of looking at someone through a window that you never talk to, then sure, it's probably a bit pointless (although I would think of it as harmless too, and it makes you happy while it lasts I guess). But with someone you interact with, a friend, that you then try to build a life with? I don't see it as empty.
Even if they don't love me that way, I don't see it as empty. I can still be around them and contribute to their happiness, albeit not in the way I would want to. Since I'm poly, I'm also not holding myself out and denying myself another relationship. And people can change the way they feel about you (one way or the other).
Just like relationships can end, they can start even after rejection. It's not something I'd ever expect, but I also feel it's not respectful to the person I love to just turn my back to them and go "fine, bye then" when they say "no". I still want to be there for them (unless they don't want me to).

I'm also not sure why "mental masturbation" is used as an insult. Masturbation is a healthy activity that feels good. What I would define as "mental masturbation" is things like crosswords, that help your mind and make you feel good. But I digress.

I don't think people should wait to find "the one" or anything like that. I just don't feel a need to ever look for someone for the sake of looking for someone. If I'm not in love, I'm absolutely fine being alone. If I'm in love, I want to be with that person. It's as simple as that for me.

[DeadManSleeping]

I'm also not sure why "mental masturbation" is used as an insult. Masturbation is a healthy activity that feels good. What I would define as "mental masturbation" is things like crosswords, that help your mind and make you feel good. But I digress.

"Honey, are you done with today's pape-"
"OHGODCLOSETHEDOOR!"

That image will not leave my head.

[ZombyWoof]

I had a gf tell me I was an awful flirter. Like, I was bad at flirting.

Since I've had several people at least hint at me that I'm pretty good at it. Now I'm awful confused :smallconfused:

[rayne_dragon]

I had a gf tell me I was an awful flirter. Like, I was bad at flirting.

Since I've had several people at least hint at me that I'm pretty good at it. Now I'm awful confused :smallconfused:

I think there are different styles of flirting, so it's entirely possible to be great at one kind of flirting and terrible (as in bad) at another. Hopefully it is the kind of flirting that you want to be good at that you are good at.

Either that or you have since improved your general flirting skills. For some reason I feel like I'm describing rules for Flirting: the RPG

[DeadManSleeping]

Flirt with about 1000 people and have them rate various aspects of your flirting on numeric scales. Try to control for factors like intoxication. If at all possible, do this in a laboratory setting.

Or just carry on doing what you're doing. It clearly works some of the time, and that's all that anyone can ask for.

[ZombyWoof]

It strikes me that the most likely scenario is that she was just being mean :smallannoyed:

Of course I like the 1000 flirting, especially if I toss in a few booze units. I drink like a dorf! (http://df.magmawiki.com/index.php/DF2010:Alcohol)

[Coidzor]

I had a gf tell me I was an awful flirter. Like, I was bad at flirting.

Since I've had several people at least hint at me that I'm pretty good at it. Now I'm awful confused :smallconfused:

All about preferences and vehicles as The Good Rayne said.

I'm just an awful flirt though, as in, apparently I do it when I'm purposefully trying not to. :smallconfused:

[golentan]

All about preferences and vehicles as The Good Rayne said.

I'm just an awful flirt though, as in, apparently I do it when I'm purposefully trying not to. :smallconfused:

Eh, you can't be as bad as my ex. She once actually propositioned our waitress (as in invited our server back to her apartment for "fun times," direct quote) and denied that anything she did that day could be interpreted as flirting.

[rayne_dragon]

The Good Rayne

Don't go spreading malicious lies about my alignment (or implying that I am similar to a certain book that shall remain nameless). :smalltongue:


Eh, you can't be as bad as my ex. She once actually propositioned our waitress (as in invited our server back to her apartment for "fun times," direct quote) and denied that anything she did that day could be interpreted as flirting.

Well, blatant sexual advances aren't exactly the same as flirting... at least not in my book, so she may have had a point. That's still generally crossing a line in most relationships.

[ZombyWoof]

Don't go spreading malicious lies about my alignment (or implying that I am similar to a certain book that shall remain nameless). :smalltongue:
What... what book? Now I am... so confused...

Also see? That's why you're famous! Because you're good!



Well, blatant sexual advances aren't exactly the same as flirting... at least not in my book, so she may have had a point. That's still generally crossing a line in most relationships.
Those are the only ones I'm good at though :smallfrown: You mean "Hey baby wanna spend the night at my place in my bed and then never talk to me again" *isn't* the most effective way to go about things? :smallconfused: But... I was born to business people! Efficiency = effective in the long run! Right? RIGHT?!

EDIT: A ham sammich is better than a fulfilling relationship. Know how I know this?

A ham sammich is better than nothing.
Nothing is better than a fulfilling relationship.
Ergo, a ham sammich is better than a fulfilling relationship.
Shamelessly stolen from something.

[LaZodiac]

Woof, she was talking about the comic book/movies Blood Rayne.

[Gaius Marius]

Woof, she was talking about the comic book/movies Blood Rayne.

Or LICD's Rayne? :smallwink:

[LaZodiac]

Never heard of that, I don't think so anyway, so I wouldn't know or not XP

[Thufir]

For some reason I feel like I'm describing rules for Flirting: the RPG

Obviously ZombyWoof rolled a 1 on his flirt check with that gf he mentioned.

[Gaius Marius]

Never heard of that, I don't think so anyway, so I wouldn't know or not XP

He's not your role model of building up a lasting relationship.

he's your role model for flirting blatantly and being the casanova. Although a lot of moral dissonance is present in the comic strip, bewarned.

[Keld Denar]

Ergo, a ham sammich is better than a fulfilling relationship.

Adds new meaning to the expression "On it like a hobo on a ham sammich."

Hmmmm...

[ZombyWoof]

Obviously ZombyWoof rolled a 1 on his flirt check with that gf he mentioned.

Apparently not because we got together :smallconfused:

Edit: Or with The Weather Girl's "It's Raining Men"

[Starbuck_II]

Apparently not because we got together :smallconfused:

Edit: Or with The Weather Girl's "It's Raining Men"

No, you failed your flirt check but she failed her will save vs being wooed so it came out as a wash and the House always wins in draws (you counted as the House).

[ZombyWoof]

Are you calling me fat? :smallconfused:
:smallwink:

[Gaius Marius]

Are you calling me fat? :smallconfused:
:smallwink:

Depends if it's a bungalow or Celine Dion's manor.

[Coidzor]

For some reason I feel like I'm describing rules for Flirting: the RPG

New, from White Wolf, Horndog: The Flirtening. :smallamused:

[VanBuren]

So...er... you know how people are always talking about how they're afraid to do or say anything that might risk a friendship. How realistic of a concern is that, really?

I mean, let's hypothetically say that I have feelings for this friend of mine. I mean yeah, I'm sure things would be awkward if she didn't reciprocate, but if we really are friends and the friendship is a good one... I mean, I can't help but imagine it would survive in the long run.

...

Right?

[Starbuck_II]

So...er... you know how people are always talking about how they're afraid to do or say anything that might risk a friendship. How realistic of a concern is that, really?

I mean, let's hypothetically say that I have feelings for this friend of mine. I mean yeah, I'm sure things would be awkward if she didn't reciprocate, but if we really are friends and the friendship is a good one... I mean, I can't help but imagine it would survive in the long run.

...

Right?

I've lost friends twice due to dating stuff. One finding out I liked her and the other after dating me. Maybe I'm just Murphy's law incarnate , but it can happen.
Likely we weren't that good of friends each time (although the second, MD from before, seemed to be).

[ZombyWoof]

So...er... you know how people are always talking about how they're afraid to do or say anything that might risk a friendship. How realistic of a concern is that, really?

I mean, let's hypothetically say that I have feelings for this friend of mine. I mean yeah, I'm sure things would be awkward if she didn't reciprocate, but if we really are friends and the friendship is a good one... I mean, I can't help but imagine it would survive in the long run.

...

Right?
If you're friends then you should be able to talk about your feelings with them without losing your friend. It does depend on the maturity levels of everyone involved; however, as I lost a friend who was 24 after I told her I was crushing on her (because she couldn't get over that fact) while I recently told a friend who was much younger that I had a crush on her, and our friendship hasn't changed a bit since.

[rayne_dragon]

So...er... you know how people are always talking about how they're afraid to do or say anything that might risk a friendship. How realistic of a concern is that, really?

I mean, let's hypothetically say that I have feelings for this friend of mine. I mean yeah, I'm sure things would be awkward if she didn't reciprocate, but if we really are friends and the friendship is a good one... I mean, I can't help but imagine it would survive in the long run.

...

Right?

Right. Except for the part when it just becomes awkward because she thinks everything you do has some kind of hidden romantic intent and the two of you slowly drift apart. To be fair, that doesn't always happen, but there is a degree of truth to this scenario.

At the same time, hiding one's feelings from a friend also had the potential to drive you apart as well, so it really depends on the specifics of the people in question.


Woof, she was talking about the comic book/movies Blood Rayne.

If you're refering to the book I mentioned, I was refering to the bible, also known as "the good book."

[VanBuren]

Oh.

Well, thanks for the pep talk. I guess.

[DeadManSleeping]

I know I've told my feelings to at least one friend and it didn't change a thing (or she's incredibly good at hiding it). I guarantee you that it's the sort of thing a friendship can weather.

[Starbuck_II]

Oh.

Well, thanks for the pep talk. I guess.

Sadly, the topic isn't a easy one. But don't give up hope, it might work for you.

[Trekkin]

Hello again, everyone. Trekkin's Baffling Friend 2: Electric Boogaloo below.

Farther back in this thread, I'd described how one of my longtime friends suddenly (and, to me, inexplicably) took exception to my having had a girlfriend at some point and decided to quit speaking to me "indefinitely". Apparently, that ended yesterday, as she's now going on about how "[she]'d like to remain friends with me" and so forth. Conspicuously absent is any mention of the issue over which she decided to request that I stop speaking to her.

Now, in my experience, this sort of ex nihilo cessation of a relationship followed by an attempt at allowing restoration can be expanded to "I want an endless supply of baseless sympathy more than I want a meaningful relationship, and I have therefore decided to artificially create a need for you to pander to my every whim until I tire of you", and although I'd like to think that this friend is not like my ex-girlfriend, the similarities in both individual and circumstance remain-- particularly in light of her resumption of dating, as we'd last spoken just after she'd broken up rather spectacularly with a boy who could be the twin of her current beau (both of whom she lumps in a category with me; I am, according to her unsolicited observation, out of the question because I'm not of her faith). Naturally, this could all be me being an unobservant, unsympathetic clod who's simply never noticed the faux pas I regularly commit and drawing false parallels.

I am, therefore, faced with multiple interrelated dilemmas. We have been, in the past, good friends in a healthy and mutually beneficial platonic relationship, even when this pattern in her romantic relationships surfaced in the past. As much as I'd like to restore that, and as cognizant as I am of the probability that she gained some benefit from it that she'll probably need once more relatively soon, I've never been particularly good at dealing with the significant possibility of the perversion of relationships. Simultaneously, I'm not exactly flush with friends, and even less so with confidantes, which raises the question of whether the mutual closure we gained from being able to talk about more or less anything with each other is just a psychological crutch to make up for faulty methods of sequestration. Effectively, separate from the question of whether the apparently unique function we served for each other can be meaningfully reestablished is the more complicated question of whether it should be.

Long story short, we're both crazy (although I lack a professionally diagnosed disorder) and clearly neither of us are particularly expert at relationships, which massively complicates the question of whether it benefits either of us to resume regular correspondence.

[ZombyWoof]

Right. Except for the part when it just becomes awkward because she thinks everything you do has some kind of hidden romantic intent and the two of you slowly drift apart. To be fair, that doesn't always happen, but there is a degree of truth to this scenario.
Like I said, it's a maturity issue. At least, I would label her trying to attribute everything you say or do with hidden romantic interest as "immature."




If you're refering to the book I mentioned, I was refering to the bible, also known as "the good book."
From what I can tell you're not made of processed plant material and pigments, so... :smallconfused: Maybe I *should* go digging on the "you" thread :smallwink:

[Coidzor]

Rayne has never posted in the You Thread. Oceania has always been at war with East Asia.

[ZombyWoof]

Has she LIED TO ME THEN? :smallfurious::smallwink::smallbiggrin:

[golentan]

I know I've seen a picture of xyr. I know for a fact.

Please tell me I didn't misremember a headshot taken by one of my scout robots.

[Nix Nihila]

Yeah, I thought xe posted a picture a while back. I might be wrong though. I seem to remember a lab coat or something.

[golentan]

So either rayne did post a picture or you have access to my internal network.

I'm going to choose the option that doesn't involve acknowledging another being having access to the CB Engine. Because I don't trust myself with it, and I think I know humanity well enough to know you would eventually use it given the opportunity.

[Serpentine]

So...er... you know how people are always talking about how they're afraid to do or say anything that might risk a friendship. How realistic of a concern is that, really?

I mean, let's hypothetically say that I have feelings for this friend of mine. I mean yeah, I'm sure things would be awkward if she didn't reciprocate, but if we really are friends and the friendship is a good one... I mean, I can't help but imagine it would survive in the long run.

...

Right?It all depends on how both of you handle it. We can give you advice on how you can deal with it best, but we have no control over what she does or thinks.

[Shademan]

So...er... you know how people are always talking about how they're afraid to do or say anything that might risk a friendship. How realistic of a concern is that, really?

I mean, let's hypothetically say that I have feelings for this friend of mine. I mean yeah, I'm sure things would be awkward if she didn't reciprocate, but if we really are friends and the friendship is a good one... I mean, I can't help but imagine it would survive in the long run.

...

Right?

go for it, dude.
better to get a no than to wonder about it forever.
S'long as youre both mature and sensible about it it shouldnt ruin yer friendship. Just make it clear that she aint interested you wont press the issue and that you'd rather have her as a friend than not having her at all.
... if that makes sense...

[Coidzor]

Trekkin. You're overcomplicating things, or so it would seem.

Can you forgive her for what she did and do you expect her to do it again in light of what apologies she's made? Do you particularly lose anything by affording her a second chance as someone to talk to on at least neutral terms now and see where things go from there?

[ZombyWoof]

All I can say is that the last time I *didn't* tell a friend I liked her she and I didn't end up talking again for a very long time. Missed opportunities, eh?

And the last time I *did* tell a friend I liked her? Well she and I are as close as always and even though it will probably never amount to anything, I personally feel a lot more comfortable because I don't feel like I need to "hide" how I feel about her. I'm allowed to be flirty and funny and joking like always but there's none of this "what if she finds out" pressure.

Eurgh this girl wants to hang out with me and I her, but she's busy and says "oh you're not missing out on much I'm boring." I feel like that's the "eh jk about the wanting to hang out" copout.

[VanBuren]

It all depends on how both of you handle it. We can give you advice on how you can deal with it best, but we have no control over what she does or thinks.

Well here's what complicates the issue somewhat--and this is partly by design because I am a coward. More on that later--school is almost out. About four 1/2 weeks or so. So.

We're both involved in the mainstage production of Our Town right now (alumni show for our 50th year, so we have people who graduated 30 years ago. It's been really cool) and I'm waiting until strike on Saturday. Partly because I don't want to do anything that would impact the run, and also because we don't have any classes this quarter. Once we're done with the show, our schedules stop overlapping in any meaningful way--we'll probably still run into each other by chance, we seem to do that at least once a day. But there it is. My thinking was that if she says no, then there's some easy space right there to work with.

The other problem is that even if she does feel the same way, in about four weeks school ends and she goes back to the East coast for the summer (I'm in WA btw) and then to Portugal for fall quarter. So I wouldn't see her again until Winter quarter starts in January. So there's definitely a part of me that thinks this is all very ill-advised, but even so...

[Shademan]

Well here's what complicates the issue somewhat--and this is partly by design because I am a coward. More on that later--school is almost out. About four 1/2 weeks or so. So.

We're both involved in the mainstage production of Our Town right now (alumni show for our 50th year, so we have people who graduated 30 years ago. It's been really cool) and I'm waiting until strike on Saturday. Partly because I don't want to do anything that would impact the run, and also because we don't have any classes this quarter. Once we're done with the show, our schedules stop overlapping in any meaningful way--we'll probably still run into each other by chance, we seem to do that at least once a day. But there it is. My thinking was that if she says no, then there's some easy space right there to work with.

The other problem is that even if she does feel the same way, in about four weeks school ends and she goes back to the East coast for the summer (I'm in WA btw) and then to Portugal for fall quarter. So I wouldn't see her again until Winter quarter starts in January. So there's definitely a part of me that thinks this is all very ill-advised, but even so...

isnt there a saying that says "distance makes you close" or something like that?

[Glass Mouse]

So...er... you know how people are always talking about how they're afraid to do or say anything that might risk a friendship. How realistic of a concern is that, really?

I mean, let's hypothetically say that I have feelings for this friend of mine. I mean yeah, I'm sure things would be awkward if she didn't reciprocate, but if we really are friends and the friendship is a good one... I mean, I can't help but imagine it would survive in the long run.

...

Right?

I've tried losing a friendship that way once, but he was frikkin' crazy (kept begging me to love him, got angry that I didn't, pulled the "if you don't love me, I have nothing to live for, please tell me to kill myself since you care so little for me" card, etc.)

But if you're a reasonable mature human being, and you have a good gut feeling about it, then go for it.

Just remember: In the case of a no, it's your job to show her that things haven't changed. If she's immature and can't handle your crush, you can't do anything about that, but you CAN make sure you don't encourage awkwardness.

Good luck :smallsmile:

Edit: ninja'd by complications. I'll implement that later when I'm back to a PC.


Hello again, everyone. Trekkin's Baffling Friend 2: Electric Boogaloo below.

Farther back in this thread, I'd described how one of my longtime friends suddenly (and, to me, inexplicably) took exception to my having had a girlfriend at some point and decided to quit speaking to me "indefinitely". Apparently, that ended yesterday, as she's now going on about how "[she]'d like to remain friends with me" and so forth. Conspicuously absent is any mention of the issue over which she decided to request that I stop speaking to her.

Now, in my experience, this sort of ex nihilo cessation of a relationship followed by an attempt at allowing restoration can be expanded to "I want an endless supply of baseless sympathy more than I want a meaningful relationship, and I have therefore decided to artificially create a need for you to pander to my every whim until I tire of you", and although I'd like to think that this friend is not like my ex-girlfriend, the similarities in both individual and circumstance remain-- particularly in light of her resumption of dating, as we'd last spoken just after she'd broken up rather spectacularly with a boy who could be the twin of her current beau (both of whom she lumps in a category with me; I am, according to her unsolicited observation, out of the question because I'm not of her faith). Naturally, this could all be me being an unobservant, unsympathetic clod who's simply never noticed the faux pas I regularly commit and drawing false parallels.

I am, therefore, faced with multiple interrelated dilemmas. We have been, in the past, good friends in a healthy and mutually beneficial platonic relationship, even when this pattern in her romantic relationships surfaced in the past. As much as I'd like to restore that, and as cognizant as I am of the probability that she gained some benefit from it that she'll probably need once more relatively soon, I've never been particularly good at dealing with the significant possibility of the perversion of relationships. Simultaneously, I'm not exactly flush with friends, and even less so with confidantes, which raises the question of whether the mutual closure we gained from being able to talk about more or less anything with each other is just a psychological crutch to make up for faulty methods of sequestration. Effectively, separate from the question of whether the apparently unique function we served for each other can be meaningfully reestablished is the more complicated question of whether it should be.

Long story short, we're both crazy (although I lack a professionally diagnosed disorder) and clearly neither of us are particularly expert at relationships, which massively complicates the question of whether it benefits either of us to resume regular correspondence.

Dude, it's not as complicated as you make it.

Do you like her and miss her? If yes, accept her reopening of the friendship. If no, don't.
Do you need to discuss the issue that drew her to cut you off (and thus understand the probability of it happening again)? If yes, ask her. If no, don't.

Remember, if the friendship turns out nonbeneficial to you, you can always end it. You aren't stuck with this girl for the rest of your life.

And seriously, if you're friends, you should be able to talk about stuff that matters to you. If you fear her views on you, her dating pattern, her inexplicable cutting-off-ness, bring it up.
If it matters to you, it should matter to her.

[The Rose Dragon]

Hey! It's me again!

Remember the Japanese girl (as in, the girl from Japanese, not the girl from Japan)? Well, she is apparently worrying about the final (not having come to the class for almost half the classes, I find that quite natural), and asked me if we could study together. Should I take that as a sign she might be interested, or is she really just worried about the final and I'm a convenient tool? Either way, any chance I could get her to be interested before I graduate?

((Also, people (who are not me) do find her rather attractive. I'm still on the fence. She does, however, quite pique my interest, and she is single.))

[Zeb The Troll]

isnt there a saying that says "distance makes you close" or something like that?Do you mean "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"?


Should I take that as a sign she might be interested, or is she really just worried about the final These two things are not mutually exclusive. It's not impossible for the latter to beget the former. Also, the former may have led her to seek out you for help on the latter. Similarly, either one could stand alone and both are good reasons, independently, to spend time with someone who has piqued your interest.

[DeadManSleeping]

@TRD: She's probably just worried about the final. Doesn't mean you can't go for it anyway.

[Serpentine]

It's a positive sign, but we can't really say much more than that, and I wouldn't recommend going in assuming we're right about anything anyway.

[Dienekes]

isnt there a saying that says "distance makes you close" or something like that?

Ehh, I read an article once claiming that distance is the number one cause of cheating statistically. So, growing close, cheating, roughly the same thing right?

More seriously, long distance relationships take a lot of work, even more than a normal relationship does. If you're willing to put that in and think she is to, well you'd have until winter to find out if you were right. If you're doubting your resolve then it might not be the wisest decision for her sake if not yours.

[Glass Mouse]

@VanBuren:
Would you be willing to try an LDR?

A few possibilities:
- If you don't mind an LDR, tell her and hope she feels the same. If she does, you try the LDR.
- Tell her and then back off. You'll have it out in the open (and won't have to go "what if" until Winter), and she'll have plenty time to process it - leaving a small possibility for stuff to happen when she returns. Don't count on it, though.
- Realize that you don't want an LDR/it's crazy/whatever and don't tell her. Leave the whole thing be until she returns.
- Don't tell her and then go crazy with "what if"s.

I have no idea what'll work for you. It all depends on your personality and what you want.


@The Rose Dragon
If you want to get to know her and/or want help with your exam as well, just do it. It can't hurt :smallsmile:

[Shademan]

Ehh, I read an article once claiming that distance is the number one cause of cheating statistically. So, growing close, cheating, roughly the same thing right?

More seriously, long distance relationships take a lot of work, even more than a normal relationship does. If you're willing to put that in and think she is to, well you'd have until winter to find out if you were right. If you're doubting your resolve then it might not be the wisest decision for her sake if not yours.

Guess I'm just too much of a bloody romantic...

[Keld Denar]

TheRoseDragon...git 'er done! You got nothing to lose in this case. If, after a long night of studying, she hugs you thankfully and you stare down into those lovely eyes, squeeze her tight in your arms, and move in for a kiss on those pouty red lips, and she pulls away? Well, go to your exam, ace it like the badass man you are, graduate, and get a job wrestling bear-shark hybred creatures in an arena built completely out of string cheese. If she kisses you back, well, kiss her back cause thats what a total badass man would do.

Either way, live life like a total badass every day. Thats my motto.

[The Rose Dragon]

TheRoseDragon...git 'er done! You got nothing to lose in this case. If, after a long night of studying, she hugs you thankfully and you stare down into those lovely eyes, squeeze her tight in your arms, and move in for a kiss on those pouty red lips, and she pulls away? Well, go to your exam, ace it like the badass man you are, graduate, and get a job wrestling bear-shark hybred creatures in an arena built completely out of string cheese. If she kisses you back, well, kiss her back cause thats what a total badass man would do.

I will say, you make the option of her pulling away sound way more attractive than it should be.

[Keld Denar]

What can I say? When life gives you lemons, you BLOW THOSE LEMONS TO BITS WITH YOUR LAZER BEAMS!

[Gaius Marius]

What can I say? When life gives you lemons, you BLOW THOSE LEMONS TO BITS WITH YOUR LAZER BEAMS!

Does frikkin lazer beams give lemonade? :smallconfused:


But I agree with Keld. There is nothing wrong with making a time-opportune move. And there is nothing wrong with being rejected.

Being rejected doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. Just that it doesn't work between you two. The end.

[The Rose Dragon]

But I agree with Keld. There is nothing wrong with making a time-opportune move. And there is nothing wrong with being rejected.

Being rejected doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. Just that it doesn't work between you two. The end.

So says my psychologist. Repeatedly. I kind of have difficulty actually internalizing that lesson.

[term1nally s1ck]

If you think about it, you've met a LOT of women, briefly or otherwise.

Of all the various women you've met, you've only asked out a few of them. You were only interested in a small proportion of them.

In the same way, they're only interested in a small proportion of the men they meet. The trick is trying to find the very few people whose sets of interest intersect.

Or...not, since that would imply they both are attracted to the same person. I think my metaphor just died. Bugger.

[Adumbration]

Do you mean "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"?


http://img560.imageshack.us/img560/9070/1303020646943.jpg

[Keld Denar]

Does frikkin lazer beams give lemonade? :smallconfused:
Don't you DARE mock my Brak Show quote...:smallcool:


So says my psychologist. Repeatedly. I kind of have difficulty actually internalizing that lesson.

Eh, you may only hit 1% of the balls you swing at, but you miss 100% of the balls you don't. Statistics don't lie, my friend...be awesome!

[Tiger Duck]

http://img560.imageshack.us/img560/9070/1303020646943.jpg

That's a great picture.
Made me smile :smallsmile:

[Dienekes]

Guess I'm just too much of a bloody romantic...

It balances me out fine, as I'm too much of a bloody pessimist.


http://img560.imageshack.us/img560/9070/1303020646943.jpg

Point proven. All this image did to me was remind me of the early similar scene in Dogma and the angels critiques of the huggers involved.

[Gaius Marius]

So says my psychologist. Repeatedly. I kind of have difficulty actually internalizing that lesson.

Trust me about one thing:

When you will succeed ('cause it's a question of time), you will learn a lot about how to be able to be more attractive to woman.

Your batting average will get better over time. But you gotta swing. Nobody ever reaches home with a base on balls.

[Starbuck_II]

Does frikkin lazer beams give lemonade? :smallconfused:


But I agree with Keld. There is nothing wrong with making a time-opportune move. And there is nothing wrong with being rejected.

Being rejected doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. Just that it doesn't work between you two. The end.

Someone should put these lines in a motivational poster. :smallcool:

[Keld Denar]

Your batting average will get better over time. But you gotta swing. Nobody ever reaches home with a base on balls.

*snicker* Actually, going by the American base system of "how far you get with a girl", getting to home base usually DOES involves balls...*snicker*

This immature moment brought to you by the letter B, for balls.

[Coidzor]

Goodnight, sweet B. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hA7lv1SDzno&feature=related)

So, in other news, Coidzor just started talking to a friend he'd grown distant from who's kinda cute and invited her out with him and the group of people he was going with anyway to see a movie this Saturday and I'm finding myself hoping I'll be able to gauge what kind of chemistry we have IRL again, since she does seem surprisingly enthusiastic to talk to me again.

Since it's not really a date, more of a way to see whether we can resume a normal friendship, no longer interact well, or if I should consider actually trying for something...

[Gaius Marius]

*snicker* Actually, going by the American base system of "how far you get with a girl", getting to home base usually DOES involves balls...*snicker*

This immature moment brought to you by the letter B, for balls.

I know, it requires balls, but you also need to swing your stick.

If you just hope to get there by default, you shall be sorely disapointed. :smalltongue:

[LaZodiac]

I've got balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls of steel.

I can't wait until Duke Nukem Forever comes out. Such a NSFW game though.

[Gaius Marius]

I've got balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls of steel.

I can't wait until Duke Nukem Forever comes out. Such a NSFW game though.

Wait. You play games at work? :smallconfused:

[LaZodiac]

Nope, no job yet XP.

I guess NSFTP works better, then.

[Frozen_Feet]

"The man wanted to juggle, but he had no balls."

"Hey! Bring back the balls!"
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Zv97P65kT4)
"Balls to the wall!" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqHnFK8PK20)

Sorree. Couldn't resist. XP

[Gaius Marius]

"The man wanted to juggle, but he had no balls."

"Hey! Bring back the balls!"
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Zv97P65kT4)
"Balls to the wall!" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqHnFK8PK20)

Sorree. Couldn't resist. XP

You have a strange fascination with balls.

Judging by your avatar, you don't have them, right?

Don't worry, you aren't missing much, compared to the power of Boobs.

EDIT: Before anybody gets offended, this was meant as a joke. Apologies to people who takes it badly.

[Lissou]

Why does the picture place this saying as "2010"? It's a proverb, I remember it from primary school, back in the 90s, and I'm sure it's much older than that.

[Frozen_Feet]

Judging by your avatar, you don't have them, right?


You might want to judge by the little blue icon just under it instead. :smallwink:

Not that it's much better, because it's such a girly shade of blue. It's symbol for Mars, dammit! Red planet! It should be manly crimson, not blue...

[Gaius Marius]

You might want to judge by the little blue icon just under it instead. :smallwink:


There IS a blue icon?!

......


...


I think I failed my spot check...

[Starbuck_II]

You might want to judge by the little blue icon just under it instead. :smallwink:

Not that it's much better, because it's such a girly shade of blue. It's symbol for Mars, dammit! Red planet! It should be manly crimson, not blue...

Interestingly, Blue was once the symbol for girls not pink.

[Drascin]

So says my psychologist. Repeatedly. I kind of have difficulty actually internalizing that lesson.

I understand the feeling. It can get hard to get up and try to do something for which you know the success rate is so low, because as someone mentioned before, people are attracted to a certain amount of people, and lucking out and finding that person with which you intersect is hard. And I know the feeling of knowing something intellectually and yet having trouble with internalizing it (in my case, I'm a horrible perfectionist. I may know something is good enough, but I will be uncomfortable and frustrated until it is absolutely flawless. Which is a problem when I don't have enough skills at pretty much anything to ever reach "flawless").

But, sometimes, as a wise man said, "you just gotta kick yourself in the rear and do something dumb!". Believe me, if nothing else, it'll probably go better than you think - it usually does, with us overthinkers :smallwink:. So, go for it, man!

[ZombyWoof]

So says my psychologist. Repeatedly. I kind of have difficulty actually internalizing that lesson.
It's a rough lesson. Keep at it though.



Eh, you may only hit 1% of the balls you swing at, but you miss 100% of the balls you don't. Statistics don't lie, my friend...be awesome!
Actually if you never step up to the plate the percentage of balls you miss is undefined since you divide by zero.

Instead I'd say, "You may only hit one of a hundred balls you swing at, but you'll never hit any unless you step up to the plate."

But that's because I'm a nerd :smalltongue:


http://img560.imageshack.us/img560/9070/1303020646943.jpg
Ugh that quote...

Wind does not "ignite" fires, it spreads them :smallyuk:

Also you need a source of fuel for a fire to ignite in the first place, and an LDR is desperately lacking in the fuel category :smallwink: And you need a fire to at least have been started before blowing on it will do antyhing :smalltongue: Anyone who's tried lighting a fire in heavy wind will tell you that!

[Frozen_Feet]

I always preferred "The sea might be full of fish, but you never get any if you don't go fishing."

Technically not that true, since most of the world's seas are overfished. So they're actually quite empty.

[VanBuren]

@VanBuren:
Would you be willing to try an LDR?

A few possibilities:
- If you don't mind an LDR, tell her and hope she feels the same. If she does, you try the LDR.
- Tell her and then back off. You'll have it out in the open (and won't have to go "what if" until Winter), and she'll have plenty time to process it - leaving a small possibility for stuff to happen when she returns. Don't count on it, though.
- Realize that you don't want an LDR/it's crazy/whatever and don't tell her. Leave the whole thing be until she returns.
- Don't tell her and then go crazy with "what if"s.

I have no idea what'll work for you. It all depends on your personality and what you want.


@The Rose Dragon
If you want to get to know her and/or want help with your exam as well, just do it. It can't hurt :smallsmile:


I'd be fine with an LDR. I mean, I've gone a long time without being in a relationship. I can wait six months. Granted, I'm going to be here with all our mutual friends which will make it easy for me. If, and let's be fair here and remember that this may all end up being very moot--If she's interested in me too then I would feel bad about making her agree to not see anyone when she's off on a different continent by herself. Much as I wouldn't like it, it doesn't seem a fair thing to ask of her.

BUT that's all getting quite ahead of myself. One problem at a time.

[Glass Mouse]

http://img560.imageshack.us/img560/9070/1303020646943.jpg

I'm officially in love with this quote.


Actually if you never step up to the plate the percentage of balls you miss is undefined since you divide by zero.

So if Rose Dragon doesn't try, the known world will collapse?

As if the poor guy didn't have enough pressure already :smalleek:

[ZombyWoof]

No, no, no, you just can't get a result by dividing :smallwink: Basically what it means is that it's impossible for him to NEVER try!

And again I have problems with that quote :P

[Glass Mouse]

And again I have problems with that quote :P

Oh shush, just replace "ignite" with "feed" in your mind, and you won't have anything to complain about :smallwink:

[ZombyWoof]

The problems I have with that quote is that it lets people miss one huge point: there has to be love there in the first place. It also has the danger of making it seem like a relationship that doesn't work because of distance doesn't have much love in it, which may very well not be the case.

It's way too close to being a) easily misinterpreted and b) talking about how "all" relationships "should be." Thus I'm very uncomfortable with it.

Though the sentiment is beautiful, I can't deny :smallwink:

[golentan]

Actually, wind can help ignite a fire. If you've got something both flammable and hot (has reached its smoke point but haven't combusted yet), wind can increase the partial pressure of oxygen enough to allow it to enflame.

That's why you blow on tinder and kindling. Just saying.

I always recommend going for it myself.

[ZombyWoof]

If a flammable material hasn't reached its flashpoint it doesn't matter how much oxygen you put there it ain't gonna ignite. There has to be heat, an ignition source (unless the heat is high enough), and fuel. Fuel is both the combustible material and oxygen.

Wind only helps a small part of this equation which is why, I suppose, it's very apt :smallwink: But it's also why I don't like the quote.

[Keld Denar]

Ah, but flash point changes based on pressure, according to...Charles' Law? Or was it Boyle's Law? I always get those two guys mixed up. Basically, if you increase the pressure, it changes the way things react. When you blow on something hot, the change in pressure could cause the substance to ignite.

Basically, if comes down to this: If a girl kinda likes you, but not enough to date you, try hugging her. The increased pressure might lower her flash point, sparking feelings she didn't know existed which could be stoked into the fiery flame of a relationship.

You must try this right away...FOR SCIENCE!

[ZombyWoof]

Counterpoint: too much pressure can also piss her off :smallwink:

EDIT: pressure increases, temperature increases. Thank you, pervnert equation :smallbiggrin:

Alternatively volume decreases, so maybe that's a weight-loss system for women? :smallconfused:

Also by the example, you need to hug her, then move across the country so she can have a higher oxygen partial pressure... I don't like this plan :smallamused:

[DeadManSleeping]

Also by the example, you need to hug her, then move across the country so she can have a higher oxygen partial pressure... I don't like this plan :smallamused:

"Let's skip the kissing and get straight to the ambiguously romantic long-distance relationship" :smallamused:

Wait, that's not how that line goes? No wonder I never get any girls at bars.

[Coidzor]

Actually if you never step up to the plate the percentage of balls you miss is undefined since you divide by zero.

Nope. You're missing the actual metaphor which is that it becomes the set of the world's population in such an event.


I would feel bad about making her agree to not see anyone when she's off on a different continent by herself. Much as I wouldn't like it, it doesn't seem a fair thing to ask of her.

Meh, fair is fair and you're overthinking it. It's her choice and decision whether she's willing to go into it.

[term1nally s1ck]

"Let's skip the kissing and get straight to the ambiguously romantic long-distance relationship" :smallamused:

Wait, that's not how that line goes? No wonder I never get any girls at bars.

Actually, I got a date with a very similar line.

[Heliomance]

Bah.
I know an extremely cute girl that I would very much like to "get to know better". Unfortunately, she has a boyfriend already. The worst part? I know the boyfriend as well, and he's a really nice guy, so I can't even have the satisfaction of hating him for it. Grr.

[Starbuck_II]

Ah, but flash point changes based on pressure, according to...Charles' Law? Or was it Boyle's Law? I always get those two guys mixed up. Basically, if you increase the pressure, it changes the way things react. When you blow on something hot, the change in pressure could cause the substance to ignite.

Basically, if comes down to this: If a girl kinda likes you, but not enough to date you, try hugging her. The increased pressure might lower her flash point, sparking feelings she didn't know existed which could be stoked into the fiery flame of a relationship.

You must try this right away...FOR SCIENCE!

Gah, I wish I could but school ended. But next time I'm in a situation, I find a girl who likes me but not enough to date me, I'm hugging her. For Science!

[ZombyWoof]

Nope. You're missing the actual metaphor which is that it becomes the set of the world's population in such an event.

That's silly... that's like saying a baseball player strikes out every time he's not up to the plate. Which is clearly untrue.

I have not been rejected by any girls I have not asked out.




Meh, fair is fair and you're overthinking it. It's her choice and decision whether she's willing to go into it.
<3 FMA fans itp.

[VanBuren]

Meh, fair is fair and you're overthinking it. It's her choice and decision whether she's willing to go into it.

Yeah, you're right. It's just easier to come up with all the reasons why it will never work and isn't worth even making an attempt than it is to just grow a pair.

Trust me, I know exactly what my mind is up to when it goes down logical trains like that. But I'll be damned if it doesn't work every goshdarn time.

[Coidzor]

That's silly... that's like saying a baseball player strikes out every time he's not up to the plate. Which is clearly untrue.

I have not been rejected by any girls I have not asked out.

Didn't say strike out. It said miss unless I've fallen through the wrong trouser leg of time again.


<3 FMA fans itp.

What? How does this relate to Full Metal Alchemist? :smallconfused: I thought the main characters were pretty much eunuchs by default.

[ZombyWoof]

Episode 16: "Murder's murder and you're still an alchemist!"

[DeadManSleeping]

I disagree with the baseball metaphor because it implies that life is pitching potential partners at you. It's more like bobbing for apples. And there's only like a couple good apples. The rest are rotten, wormy, full of razor blades, or are actually just now-soggy meatballs. And if you dive in, you don't get to come back up for air until you've got one.

Also, you may be allergic to apples.

I am now satisfied with my metaphor.

[ZombyWoof]

Actually bobbing for apples is one of the easiest ways to spread cold sores (a type of herpes), Mono (the kissing disease), and bacterial meningitis (a very deadly condition).

So I'd say it's quite apt :smalltongue:

[MeatShield#236]

What can I say? When life gives you lemons, you BLOW THOSE LEMONS TO BITS WITH YOUR LAZER BEAMS!

Can I quote this? This is the funniest thing I've seen all this week.

[Keld Denar]

Go ahead! I ripped it off from the Brak Show (http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xagld5_brak-show-episode-14-brakstreet-men_fun) anyway...

[Lissou]

By the way, the way I know the quote is "Distance is like the wind: it puts off small flames and feeds big ones". Less elegant I guess, but it doesn't have the problems you've been arguing about at least :P

[DeadManSleeping]

Distance is like the wind: it makes everything more difficult. Everything.

(I think the stress of the week is giving me a very morbid sense of humor)

[ZombyWoof]

Distance is like the wind: perfect incentive to stay indoors because wind blooming sucks.

[Coidzor]

Distance is like the wind, it reminds you how much more you'd rather be under the covers with someone rather than cold.

[LaZodiac]

Distence is just free time minus your ability to go to the person you love.

[Serpentine]

Bah.
I know an extremely cute girl that I would very much like to "get to know better". Unfortunately, she has a boyfriend already. The worst part? I know the boyfriend as well, and he's a really nice guy, so I can't even have the satisfaction of hating him for it. Grr.Doncha hate it when that happens? :smallannoyed:

Distance is like wind: it stinks.

[Coidzor]

^: Only if you're in the wrong places or it's been broken. :smalltongue:
Bah.
I know an extremely cute girl that I would very much like to "get to know better". Unfortunately, she has a boyfriend already. The worst part? I know the boyfriend as well, and he's a really nice guy, so I can't even have the satisfaction of hating him for it. Grr.

Nah, just use doublethink to hate and love him at the same time like most people do towards people they genuinely like but are jealous of. Generally works wonders unless you're in a position to backstab him or something.

[ZombyWoof]

I actually have no feelings at all towards the person I'm jealous of :smallbiggrin:

EDIT: I mean I'm jealous of him, but I'm not so much jealous of him but rather the situation he's in. And I know next to nothing about him so I can't harbor any ill will towards him. I'd actually feel bad if something bad happened to him.

[Lazy Genius]

So there's a certain situation, the one I'm in, and I'll try to explain the way girls/women of different ages react to me/my presence.

Age < 18: Frightened, Scared or Mildly Intimidated
18 =< Age < 20: Scared, Mildly Intimidated, or Indifferent
20 =< Age: Indifferent or Mildly Turned on
(This is all from what I've heard/noticed, and it's generalizing completely, there'll be girls age 17 who adore me, I wouldn't know.)

This would probably be a pretty nice situation for a guy age 23 or 24, right? Well, I'm 18... (this has been going on Since I was 17 and a couple months)

Worst part is, when the girls who actually want to get to know me and talk with me all night, etc. find out I'm 18, they either finish talking very quickly, or find a way to make clear in the conversation it's not going to go anywhere without ending the conversation or saying so explicitly. (Some don't even find out until later, that's even worse)

If you guys could help me and try to figure out why this is going on, I shall hope to fix it based on your advice. I am not physically large, pretty average in fact, 6' is average in The Netherlands.

[Starbuck_II]

So there's a certain situation, the one I'm in, and I'll try to explain the way girls/women of different ages react to me/my presence.

Age < 18: Frightened, Scared or Mildly Intimidated
18 =< Age < 20: Scared, Mildly Intimidated, or Indifferent
20 =< Age: Indifferent or Mildly Turned on
(This is all from what I've heard/noticed, and it's generalizing completely, there'll be girls age 17 who adore me, I wouldn't know.)

This would probably be a pretty nice situation for a guy age 23 or 24, right? Well, I'm 18... (this has been going on Since I was 17 and a couple months)

Worst part is, when the girls who actually want to get to know me and talk with me all night, etc. find out I'm 18, they either finish talking very quickly, or find a way to make clear in the conversation it's not going to go anywhere without ending the conversation or saying so explicitly. (Some don't even find out until later, that's even worse)

If you guys could help me and try to figure out why this is going on, I shall hope to fix it based on your advice. I am not physically large, pretty average in fact, 6' is average in The Netherlands.

While it might be average, I do think the size thing does affect whether they are intimidated.
Maybe you could lower your scariness by wearing a shirt with a children's show on it like TMNT (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) or something.

You could always not mention your age. I'm not sure how to help.