Post-wedding etiquette

[tcrudisi]

I recently got married. My wife and I had a wonderful time with our video game themed wedding and it was a truly incredible day and experience.

Now that I've said that, I had a couple of questions.

First, I was shocked that so little of my family showed up. My parents did and one of my aunts and one of my uncles showed up. That's a very small amount. That was about 20% of my aunts and uncles total, 0% of my 8 cousins, 0% of my 4 siblings, and my niece. I didn't expect everyone to make it, but considering that my wife had family from 12 hours away show up, it definitely hurt my feelings.

Second, I'm confused by the actions of one of my groomsmen. He was extraordinarily unhappy about the fact that I had the wedding in mid-April since this meant that it was at the end of his school semester. Yeah, well, I sympathize since I'm in graduate school and have numerous research papers due at the end of the semester. He constantly complains about how much work he has to do. (Reality check: he has 3 semesters worth of work to do because he didn't complete it in the prior 2 semesters. He likes to blame the fact that he's not doing his homework on everyone else, despite him spending all his free time on X-Box Live. [That last info comes from our mutual friends; I don't play X-Box]) He has been borderline verbally abusive about the situation. He also recently went out and paid $1300 to buy himself a new computer and I didn't get so much as a card from him. I don't expect gifts from everyone (seriously, I don't), but this guy has been a very good friend for 14 years. He was extremely close to being my best man. For him to have acted like a jerk on both my bachelor party and my wedding and not so much as get me a card? I'm aghast.

Now that I've explained the two situations that are really bothering me, it brings up the question: how do I handle them? The first one is the really confusing one to me. It definitely feels like I was shunned by my family. The second one is a bit easier. I can (and will) talk to him about his recent angst (obviously not about the gift/card thing. I'm really not trying to be a gold-digger).

So playgrounders, in your experiences, how would you handle these?

[Coidzor]

Well, the first one is what RSVPs and setting the date well in advance are for. If they didn't even apologize or acknowledge that the date had come when they had said they were going to be able to make it... I'd say it wouldn't be out of line to establish if you're still on speaking terms with them.

[Lady Moreta]

What Coid said. We need more information on what your family did/didn't do. Did they RSVP at all? Did they say they were coming and simply didn't turn up? Did they say they weren't coming right from the beginning?

If they had always said they weren't attending, then you can be upset about it absolutely, but they did tell you they weren't coming. I would still talk to them and find out why my own family didn't want to come though. I'd want to know what reasons they had.

If they said they were coming and then didn't turn up - well, then I'd be a bit more pissed off. There's nothing ruder than saying you're going to attend (a wedding no less!) and then not showing up - especially if you don't try to warn the organisers that you'll no longer be attending.

Either way, I would approach this much the same way you're planning to talk to your friend. Go in open-minded - ask them if there's something you did to upset them. There might not have been and you may be absolutely positive that you didn't do anything, but opening up the conversation like that tells them that you're not out to jump down anyone's throat and that you'll be open to listen to them. You never know, maybe you did do something and they just didn't say anything (which is a whole 'nother) issue. Try to do it one-on-one as much as you can - don't grab your whole family all together and demand to know why they never came. Talk to your siblings separately and your cousins/aunts/uncles separately. Try to stay calm and be prepared for answers you aren't going to like.

I would also say, in all of these conversations, don't take your wife with you. This is your family and your groomsman and though I hate to say it, I rather suspect from what you've told us that part of the problem is that they (and I get this vibe quite strongly from what you've said about your groomsman friend) don't like your wife and this is a silent protest about you marrying her. Is it acceptable? No way, and you are quite entitled to get pissy if that turns out to be the reason. But go alone, don't take her with you, just in case.

And I hope the answer turns out to be that they were all abducted by aliens or something and that they're terribly sorry but the phasers wouldn't work and they got stuck on the Starship Enterprise and that's why they couldn't come to your wedding. :smallsmile:

[valadil]

Congrats! I got married just under a year ago.


First, I was shocked that so little of my family showed up. My parents did and one of my aunts and one of my uncles showed up.

Half my family showed up. Aunts/uncles/cousins on my dad's side did. My mom's side did not. My mom's side is mostly across country though, so this was expected. What wasn't expected was that my cousins on that side didn't RSVP or even send a card. I think I got one congrats over Facebook. I mostly brushed it off.

None of your siblings showing up sounds bad though. Did any of them have legit reasons?



Second, I'm confused by the actions of one of my groomsmen. He was extraordinarily unhappy about the fact that I had the wedding in mid-April since this meant that it was at the end of his school semester. Yeah, well, I sympathize since I'm in graduate school and have numerous research papers due at the end of the semester. He constantly complains about how much work he has to do. ...
He was extremely close to being my best man. For him to have acted like a jerk on both my bachelor party and my wedding and not so much as get me a card? I'm aghast.


Lame. But possibly justifiable. Have you guys been to a bunch of weddings so far or was yours the first of the bunch? If he hasn't been to many yet I could see him being confused about etiquette. I was a groomsman in a wedding with no best man. The hotel assumed we had a best man, announced he'd be speaking, and gave us a microphone, but nobody had prepared a speech. We ended up passing around the microphone and improvising badly. I still feel bad, but it was a case of nobody knowing what to do so I don't really feel responsible.

But aside from that it sounds like your friend was being a selfish jerk who was more concerned with how the wedding affected him than the fact that his friend was getting married. Is he usually dramatic and self centered or was this out of character? Weddings do tend to bring out drama in people. While I wasn't too affected by any drama at my wedding, my wife did get called a bridezilla by one of her friends and now they're not on speaking terms any more. No, this isn't as severe as your situation, but my point is that weddings are high drama and will bring out any potential drama that's lurking in the background.

[Lady Moreta]

but my point is that weddings are high drama and will bring out any potential drama that's lurking in the background.

This is so very true...

He may have been confused, he may have been stressed over what to do, heck, he may simply have regretted saying yes to being a groomsman but didn't know how to tell you he wanted to step down. Honestly, the best thing to have done would probably have been to confront him when he first started acting like a jerk and asking him if he really wanted to stand up with you. He may have been looking for an out.

We were very lucky with our wedding - I think the worst anyone said was one of my older relatives complaining to my mother that the RSVPs were to be sent to me, not to my parents. My mother told them to stuff it :smallbiggrin:

[Lissou]

I'm a bit surprised how you could learn who attended only on the very day. If that's the case, could it be that it was poorly organised and that people just missed it, or didn't realise they were invited, or something? Maybe your wife was better at keeping anyone informed on her side and keeping track of who would be attending or not?

If it's not the case though, I don't know. Maybe they couldn't free the day? It's hard to really know without asking them upfront. Your sibling, for instance, just sending them an email such as "hey, I was sorry to see you couldn't make it to the wedding, I hope everything is fine" or something (you might not want to be too confronting or aggressive. If you approach them this way, they might tell you "oh, yeah sorry man, X happened and so I had to do Y" while if you accuse them they might just get defensive and tell you they do whatever they want.)

[tcrudisi]

Certainly her side of the family is better with computers and we were doing rsvp's online. However, we sent out the invites at the proper time (6 weeks ahead) and I realized that no one in my family knows how to use the internet so I made adjustments. I called everyone at least once to speak with them after the invites had come in. I was told by one brother that he recently got a promotion and was understaffed and would almost certainly have to work (he's a cop). My other 2 brothers sounded very enthusiastic about coming. My sister and niece were initially upset about the "no kids" rule my wife and I implemented, but that rule didn't impact them at all (my siblings are all much older than I am and my niece is 16 herself). Once I got this straightened out with them I was told that they would come.

My aunts and uncles were more of the same, basically. They all sounded as though they wanted to come. Only one forewarned me that he wouldn't be able to make it.

As for my friend, this is the first wedding of this year. He doesn't understand how to manage his time and he's a terrible procrastinator. In short, he'd rather play games than do homework so he's failing out of school. He's also in his 30's, so it's not as if he's a kid going off to school for the first time.

[Lady Moreta]

My aunts and uncles were more of the same, basically. They all sounded as though they wanted to come. Only one forewarned me that he wouldn't be able to make it.

In that case, then yeah I think some questioning is in order. It sounds like you considered their "sounded as though they wanted to come" to be 'RSVPing yes'. It is possible that they were expecting you to call them back and confirm their attendance and when you didn't they assumed they weren't to come at all. Silly yes and I'd be the first to say that the onus is on the guest to RSVP not the organiser to chase, but there you have it. Weddings make people do silly things.


As for my friend, this is the first wedding of this year. He doesn't understand how to manage his time and he's a terrible procrastinator. In short, he'd rather play games than do homework so he's failing out of school. He's also in his 30's, so it's not as if he's a kid going off to school for the first time.

I gotta admit then.. in this case, I think you made an error in asking him to be a groomsman in the first place. Obviously he's a good friend otherwise you wouldn't have asked him... but - if he's always like this - what made you think he would change just because you were getting married? The type of person who would think 'hey I'm in a friend's wedding, I'd better buck up my ideas' is the type of person who wouldn't need to think that way, because they wouldn't have acted like a dork in the first place. It's perfectly natural to want the people you are close to around you when you get married - but it's also important to consider their personalities and what you want/expect out of those you ask to stand up with you. It seems clear to me that you expected a certain level of - I want to say 'service' but that's not really the right word - you expected a certain type of response, that, from what you've told us, this friend is incapable of providing, no matter what the occassion. In this instance, I think you'd have been better off not asking him at all.

By all means, say something to him - maybe this will be the catalyst that gets him to shape up - but in retrospect, I'd say asking him was the first mistake.

I did something similar when I got married - I was a bridesmaid for a friend about six months before my husband and I got married. When it was my turn, I thought long and hard about asking her to be a bridesmaid. In the end, I decided that simply because she'd asked me, didn't mean I had to ask her and I knew that if I did I'd seriously cop it because my other bridesmaids (best friend and sister - these two were non-negotiable) both can't stand the other friend. I decided to save myself some grief and not ask her. Instead she played me down the aisle. It sucks, but I think you probably would have been better off doing something similar with your friend here.

[thubby]

I'd talk to them about it.
maybe they're jerks, maybe they just got screwed by life (it happens). its probably some combination of the 2.

[Zeb The Troll]

I recently got married. My wife and I had a wonderful time with our video game themed wedding and it was a truly incredible day and experience.Just my opinion here, but this is the part you need to worry about and not the rest of it.

When Alarra and I got married we had some similar issues. Her side of the isle must have had 40 people. Mine had less than ten. (Okay, actually, for this reason we didn't split up the sides like that, otherwise it would have looked funny. :smalltongue:) My brother originally agreed to be my best man, then about two weeks before the wedding had to cancel (in his defense, he's a service member and his chain of command couldn't be bothered to approve/deny his leave request in a reasonable amount of time). This also meant his son wouldn't be our ring bearer. CRAP! The man who took over the job, then proceeded to leave the reception an hour into it (our reception lasted from about 4PM until about 10PM, it was awesome!). So the reception duties that normally fall to the best man had to be handled by one of the other groomsmen. (Thank you, so much, Indurain, for being there!)

There was a little bit of family drama on both sides, too. Like valadil said, it happens. But the point of my tale here, is that now, only three years later, what I remember is that it was an amazing day and I don't even think about the rest of that garbage.

[Cyrion]

There was a little bit of family drama on both sides, too. Like valadil said, it happens. But the point of my tale here, is that now, only three years later, what I remember is that it was an amazing day and I don't even think about the rest of that garbage.

This is spot on. Focus on the people who WERE there and how much fun you had with them. Talk to your family about why they couldn't make it, but do it for information's sake rather than an accusatory "Why weren't you at my wedding?!"

You had people who cared and wanted to have fun with you, and they came and spent the day celebrating. Keep that memory and smile at it often and never mind the rest of the world who don't know what they missed.

[Erloas]

Well for what it is worth, I missed the weddings of my Dad and my Mom when they got remarried, as well as the majority of my cousins. In fact the weddings of cousins I did get to aren't even close to my favorite cousins.

In almost every case it just came down to bad timing. The majority of them were fairly far away from where I was and I simply couldn't take time (and didn't really have the money) to make the trip.

Also spring seems to be a very poor time to have a wedding but it also seems to be the time most people shoot for. Especially if you are around college age, which a lot of people are when they get married. A good portion of your friends and cousins will be in the middle of the busiest part of the year for them, and since everyone has spring break at different times they might already have a trip planned for a few weeks before or after.
The couple of weddings I really wanted to go to I couldn't for exactly this reason.

[Telonius]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and make an overly-broad generalization - I would guess that most American men who were born anytime after 1970 or so, have no idea what constitutes the "proper etiquette" for a wedding (or anything else, for that matter), won't know until/unless they're actually getting married, and will promptly forget about 98% of the etiquette within about a week of the ceremony.

A bit of the responsibility does fall on the bride and groom. Yes, you really do have to get a firm RSVP from people; two months out is probably best. If you're coming up on six weeks away and nobody from one side has given a firm yes, then you have a choice to make. Either go ahead with the wedding as scheduled, or move the date because nobody can make it. If you go ahead, then you've gone ahead with the knowledge that "nobody showed up" is a real possibility. You can't blame your relatives for a decision you've made. On the other hand, if you move the date and they still don't give a firm yes, then there's probably something else going on besides schedule conflict. Either you've been blessed with an extra-flaky family, or there's some unresolved conflict that they're not willing to bury for a one-day event (no matter how important it is to you).

That said, the guests relatives do have a responsibility to be gracious and prompt in their replies, and behave well during the ceremony. Whether or not they know all the etiquette, everybody knows that weddings cost a lot of money. Flaking out on what might very well be a $10,000+ event is very inconsiderate (to put it as mildly as possible). The groomsman is being a selfish jerk, but from what you've said it seems like that's par for the course with him. Putting him in a ceremonial role is not going to change who he is, any more than you can "fix" somebody by marrying them.

The most important thing, as others have mentioned, is not to let this get under your skin. Figure out what it is about the situation that you want to change, try to change it if you can, let it go if you can't. Consider it your first challenge as a married couple. (And I guarantee you, they get progressively more difficult).

Also, congratulations, and I wish you many, many years of happiness together! :smallsmile:

[Eleanor_Rigby]

I don't expect gifts from everyone (seriously, I don't), but this guy has been a very good friend for 14 years. He was extremely close to being my best man. For him to have acted like a jerk on both my bachelor party and my wedding and not so much as get me a card?


I don't know you and I don't know your friend, but the part I bolded stuck out for me. Is it possible he'd assumed he was going to be your best man or that he felt hurt that you didn't ask him to be/ didn't explain why he wasn't chosen for your best man/ found you explanation for choosing somebody else hurtful?
Often people turn down close friends as the best man in favour of their brother either because they're really close or because that's just something of a family tradition but as you say your siblings didn't come I'm assuming that wasn't the case here. I'm not saying you should have chosen this guy for your best man because I don't know anywhere near enough about the stituation to make that kind of judgement, and even if I did it still wouldn't be my business, I'm just wondering whether that might have anything to do with him acting a bit off?
Another stereotypical upset is that guys sometimes get mopey when their friends are getting married because they fear they're going to lose their friend and sometimes because they're either frustrated they're not close to getting married yet themselves or they feel your wedding is only going to up the societal (and often familial) pressure on them to get married themselves.

I'm sorry the wedding didn't go as well as you'd hoped but hopefully the marriage will more than make up for it.

Edited to add: As far as the card goes, does he tend to do cards? They're more important to some people than others, I'm not sure if it would have occurred to me to get a card for somebody's wedding if I knew I'd be attending, especially if I'd done something like signed my name on a joint card already. I probably would have tried to do something about a wedding gift though so.... hm.

[tcrudisi]

First, thanks for all the replies everyone. I spoke with my sister today. She made an effort to call me and left a message for me to call her back. When I did, she apologized for not coming. Basically, she said, "Sorry I didn't go. I don't have any excuse, I just decided at the last minute not to go." She also said that it's been weighing on her and she apologized profusely.


I don't know you and I don't know your friend, but the part I bolded stuck out for me. Is it possible he'd assumed he was going to be your best man or that he felt hurt that you didn't ask him to be/ didn't explain why he wasn't chosen for your best man/ found you explanation for choosing somebody else hurtful?

I don't think so. Actually, I spoke a few times to both this friend and the one I chose to be my best man about who I was going to pick. I was tormented about the decision for about a year (it was a 2 1/2 year engagement). This guy was very up-front about it from the beginning: "Go with the other one. I've been a best man before; I'll probably be one again." I was just torn because, well, he is such a good friend. Ultimately I chose the guy I did, not because of the discussions, but because I decided that he really was my best man.

Also - I want to stress again just how much fun I had. It really was one of the best days of my life. Was it perfect? Well, sure, things could have gone better. President Obama could have showed up, blessed the wedding, and then offered me a job as a diplomat. But yeah - as far as I'm concerned, it was an incredibly wonderful experience. In fact, look for me to post the wedding details later in another thread. (It was a gaming-themed wedding, as mentioned previously. Our minister had creative licence and threw in more than a few gaming references and had the younger people in the audience laughing. He mentioned that he couldn't find anyone who had ever done that before, so I figure if I posted some of the things he said, maybe someone will poach it and use it for themselves.)

I appreciate the advise everyone has given and I've taken it to heart. If nothing else, it's been good to vent. Thanks everyone! :smallsmile:

[VanBuren]

I know this is only barely relevant, but I gotta know. Has anyone ever staged an objection just for kicks. I mean like, where the bride, groom, and all the essential "staff" are in the joke but the general crowd isn't?

[tcrudisi]

I know this is only barely relevant, but I gotta know. Has anyone ever staged an objection just for kicks. I mean like, where the bride, groom, and all the essential "staff" are in the joke but the general crowd isn't?

I was minutes away from doing this. I had it planned out with one of my friends and everything. Unfortunately, he was late showing up to the practice so we canceled it.

[SquirrelKing]

A friend of mine that is a big sci-fi/fantasy geek (like about 99% of us on these forums) did something like that, VanBuren. He had one of our other friends wait out in the foyer of the church (a rather big one, but the altar had microphones so you could hear throughout the church including the foyer), and when the "does anyone object" part came around, he burst through the door in a (admittedly kinda crappy) Darth Vader outfit and declared them Rebel scum. Then after the laughter died down, he took a seat and remained in the outfit the entire ceremony.

It went over rather awesome!

[Holocron Coder]

A friend of mine that is a big sci-fi/fantasy geek (like about 99% of us on these forums) did something like that, VanBuren. He had one of our other friends wait out in the foyer of the church (a rather big one, but the altar had microphones so you could hear throughout the church including the foyer), and when the "does anyone object" part came around, he burst through the door in a (admittedly kinda crappy) Darth Vader outfit and declared them Rebel scum. Then after the laughter died down, he took a seat and remained in the outfit the entire ceremony.

It went over rather awesome!

...That.... That is the best thing I've ever heard :smallbiggrin:

[Deathslayer7]

Maybe they just couldn't afford to come? :smallconfused: Although not even calling or saying why confuses me.