A friendship issue

[grimbold]

Essentially, I have a big issue.
One of my best friends is visiting Paris from a suburb of Boston w/ his mom. (We're in high school).
well actually he isnt one of my best friends im just kinda forced to hang out with him and stop him from doing drugs. He has anger issues and can be obnoxious and feels entitled to everything.
He wants to sneak out at night and I don't. Obviously this can lead to issues of me being "Totally Lame". How do I explain that I am an introvert who stays inside most of the time playing guitar and D&D and whatnot without sounding pathetic? Also how do i make sure that he doesn't sneak out and get stabbed by some of Paris's "rougher" citizens. He doesn't really speak French and I am afraid that he will get hurt. What should I do?

[LaZodiac]

I feel like saying "he's from Boston, I think he can handle himself" but that seems uncouth.

As for how you can tell him without being lame..tell him you'd rather not get stabbed by the random goons that apparently litter the streets.

[polity4life]

This may seem callous but it's the truth: he isn't your responsibility. I can see that you value loyalty and companionship but sometimes you have to cut the bridge for your own sake. Also, some folks just need to take a licking in order to learn.

Do you part and remind him not to mess up over there. Beyond that, he has to learn to take better care of himself.

[grimbold]

I feel like saying "he's from Boston, I think he can handle himself" but that seems uncouth.
hes not from the city of boston but just a quiet little 'burb so he does not know of the violence that takes place here sometimes


some folks just need to take a licking in order to learn.

from previous experience he may need multiple lickings unfortunately and he just needs to annoy one drug addled knife wielder and hes dead

[Raistlin1040]

Go with him? I mean, I'm not suggesting you go nightclubbing until 4AM on a Charlie Sheen-esque bender, but if he's visiting Paris all the way to Boston, and is hanging out with you, it is sort of your job as his friend and tour guide to show him around the city. He can listen to music and play D&D whenever, but he might not get to come back to Paris for a while, so the least you can do is show him around.

However, if sneaking out actually means "We're not allowed to leave but we are going to climb out the window Mission Impossible style at midnight", that's probably a bad idea. Maybe take him during the day or get permission from his mom and your family to go out until like 1AM or something.

[Haruki-kun]

Option 1: Suggest another option. "No, I don't want to go out today, I rented a movie and I'd rather stay home and watch it."

Option 2: Suggest reasons why not to. "Uh... dude, if we get caught, this will happen."

Option 3: Just say no. Plain and simple. "N-O. I don't want to go out, period." This may sound a bit rude or whatever, but it's the most straightforward way. You can't argue with "Just no".

[grimbold]

Go with him? I mean, I'm not suggesting you go nightclubbing until 4AM on a Charlie Sheen-esque bender, but if he's visiting Paris all the way to Boston, and is hanging out with you, it is sort of your job as his friend and tour guide to show him around the city. He can listen to music and play D&D whenever, but he might not get to come back to Paris for a while, so the least you can do is show him around.

However, if sneaking out actually means "We're not allowed to leave but we are going to climb out the window Mission Impossible style at midnight", that's probably a bad idea. Maybe take him during the day or get permission from his mom and your family to go out until like 1AM or something.

i did show him around like all afternoon, partially because i was locked out of my apartment.
now he wants to go on a huge bender and i have played friend and tour guide all day.
also i have played savior from the cops all day
he has been trying to sneak out like you said, and we were already out till 1130 because after that it gets bad

[Solaris]

now he wants to go on a huge bender and i have played friend and tour guide all day.

I'd leave him to his own devices, but that's just me and my callous self. Sounds like he's yet another overly-sheltered suburban American who thinks he's a lot tougher than he really is. Could use with a good knifing encounter with the real world.
Set out the facts of how things are, and if he keeps persisting then let him. Narc his dumb self out when he dips out, but don't stress over stopping him. He's his own person, he can make his own mistakes.

[Lord Loss]

Step One: Don't be blunt about it. Say no, make a few excuses, tell him it's dangerous, etc.

If this works, head to step four. If not, keep reading...

Step Two: Be blunt about. Very, very freaking blunt about it. An argument is never fun, but if it keeps him from running into a thug and getting killed so be it.

If this works, head to step four. If not, keep reading...

Step Three: Chain him to his bed, explain that it's for his own good, then gag him to mute out his whining.*

Step Four: Relax and enjoy yourself...

Or, you could humor him. But that might wind up with one or both of you getting hurt.

* L.L is not responsible for anything that happens from following his advice. L.L strongly discourages anyone from following this advice (unless their friend is being really whiny).

[Eleanor_Rigby]

Call me a wet blanket if you will but I read the first post a few times over. Eventually I came back to this:


One of my best friends is visiting Paris from a suburb of Boston w/ his mom. (We're in high school).

In my experience w/ is an abbreviation for "with", and w/o stands for "without". Ergo, this jackanape's mother is somewhere in the vicinity?

The obvious measure to take if you've explained to him sneaking around the city at night could leave him badly beaten or dead and that doesn't bring the point across is to either tell the lad's mother or threaten to. It sounds like you've already tried dealing with him yourself, I don't really see why he should be your sole responsibility, particularly if he's as unreasonable as he sounds like he is.
I'd actually probably suggest talking to his mom over threatening to tell since you say he has anger issues and I know from experience that some people with anger issues will lash out at you physically if you get on the wrong side of them.
If you were to talk to her (assuming she's even around) you could explain that you've been showing him around during the day but that you're not comfortable going out at night and that he's voiced plans to "sneak out" and you're worried he might go through with them which could lead to trouble. I realise this is kind of an awkward suggestion but if talking things through with him doesn't work then I think it's probably time to get somebody else on board: being a snitch is better than going out with him and risking getting caught up in stuff and better than him going alone and acting his full-on unthinking self too. If you're really not comfortable with talking to his mother about it, are your own parents around and have you considered asking their advice?

Another less teeter-tattling suggestion I guess is pulling up some relatively recent local news items covering the violence in your area. Particularly if you can find any about people his age being killed or injured. Then you'd have something to back you up on how stupid this idea of his is.

[/spoil-sport]

[grimbold]

@Eleanor Rigby: cool name btw. His mom is kind of insane and if his mom explicitly banned him from doing something he would immediately go and do it.
as for your second option, i think i will try it out

as for the rest of you, thank you very much, i am engaging in those strategies right now

[Innis Cabal]

Hold up hold up....

You don't like this guy and somehow he's staying with you...all the way from Boston? What? How did you get into this situation in the first place. I know I don't let people stay with me that I don't care for.

[grimbold]

Hold up hold up....

You don't like this guy and somehow he's staying with you...all the way from Boston? What? How did you get into this situation in the first place. I know I don't let people stay with me that I don't care for.
his mom is bestfriends with my mom and its his birthday

[Innis Cabal]

That doesn't explain anything at all really and it being his birthday means jack in this, especially since you don't even like the guy. You very easily could have said no, in fact that should have been your first go to. You can't now of course, he's there alone without you otherwise. But still...you sort of kind of brought it on yourself.

[grimbold]

That doesn't explain anything at all really and it being his birthday means jack in this, especially since you don't even like the guy. You very easily could have said no, in fact that should have been your first go to. You can't now of course, he's there alone without you otherwise. But still...you sort of kind of brought it on yourself.

Innis, you have made me realize i might need to provide more backstory. Right.
So essentially: His mother went to the same french college as my mother even though they were both americans. they both married french husbands/ They got married within a month of each other and have been pretty much best friends ever since. The other guy (the son of the friend of my mom) is like 7 months older than me and he's very rebellious and often a jerk. However because we are roughly the same age our parents have stuck us together. So in short i have this burden due to my mothers friendship and not really any fault of my own

[Don Julio Anejo]

Ask yourself this: how much do you like the guy? As in, do you want to stay his "friend," or are you completely fine with him thinking you're a complete nerd? If you want to stay on friendly terms with him, work out a compromise. It's possible.

It's also possible to walk around Paris at night and not get stabbed - it honestly isn't one of the more dangerous cities around, not more so than say, Moscow, Rio or Baltimore. Usually the key to these is to 1. Don't look like you've got anything worth stealing and 2. Don't get all, sorry for the stereotype, but, "obnoxious American" in people's faces. So... get a few of your more outgoing friends and go out partying with them. Who knows, you might even not have to babysit him anymore - "Oh hey, Me and Buttface hung out with Pierre and they hit it off pretty well. From now on Pierre is the new babysitter."

Now, if you don't have any friends (or at least acquaintances) like that and don't know places to go out at night and NOT get stabbed in the process... By the nines, DON'T let him outside. I went to a suburban American (well, Canadian but almost same thing) high school. If he wants to sneak out, he's going on a bender, Hangover style. Maybe won't get stabbed but damn if he doesn't get mugged and beaten up. Good kids either don't want to sneak out or want to go to house parties and get laid, they don't care about having crazy adventures in a strange city.

If you don't like him, just make sure he sleeps in a room where he physically can't sneak out.

[Innis Cabal]

Innis, you have made me realize i might need to provide more backstory. Right.
So essentially: His mother went to the same french college as my mother even though they were both americans. they both married french husbands/ They got married within a month of each other and have been pretty much best friends ever since. The other guy (the son of the friend of my mom) is like 7 months older than me and he's very rebellious and often a jerk. However because we are roughly the same age our parents have stuck us together. So in short i have this burden due to my mothers friendship and not really any fault of my own

I figured this was the case, though thank you for providing the explanation none the less. The thing is you could say no, and explain why. I understand being young and probably at the will of your parents they could tell you tough. But frankly, you are not this guys keeper. If he gets in trouble it's honestly his fault.

More than that...it's the fault of the parents since your both kids that he gets hurt. Not yours. Sure they may be mad at you, but when you tell them you don't agree with being this guy and you didn't agree to do this when told you were going to have to, it's not your fault. It's not your fault in the eyes of the law either.

As unkind as this is going to sound you brought this on yourself and you continue to do so. Tell your "friend" that you're not going to take care of him. Tell him if he wants to go out and get in trouble with the law it's on him. Stop apologizing and bowing to this guy.

[Eleanor_Rigby]

@Eleanor Rigby: cool name btw. His mom is kind of insane and if his mom explicitly banned him from doing something he would immediately go and do it.
as for your second option, i think i will try it out

:smallsigh: Hm. Well that's less than ideal.
It's worth stressing here though that this guy isn't your responsibility, in fact, if you're in high school and under a certain age, chances are that he's his mother's responsibility.

Obviously you should try to make him aware of how stupid his plans are and you shouldn't condone them but beyond that there isn't a lot you can or should do. I suppose there's some mileage in the suggestion that you dump him on some friends of yours who are more into the nightlife if you have them (and given that you're a quieter person it wouldn't be too surprising if you didn't really) but there's still a fair element of risk in that he could annoy them and easily give them the slip, which wouldn't really be your fault but it wouldn't feel great if something bad happened I guess.

I was kind of hoping that it might be a situation where if you told his mom she'd be pissed off at him for messing you around and she'd take him off your hands and make him stay closer to her so she could keep a closer eye on him rather than just forbidding him from going out. Obviously that would make you look like a big ol' party pooper but it sounds like you're not really keen to maintain a budding friendship with this guy anyway and just want to avoid a situtation where he goes out and gets into trouble.

It may be worth bearing in mind that you might feel less responsible/ get some help if you mention the problem to your mom, or better still perhaps, your dad if he's around (better only because he's less directly involved, presumably, because it's not his old pal's son) that way there's another set of eyes on the kid and you don't have to deal with him all by yourself. Plus if they're less "crazy" than his mom then maybe they'd be able to talk some sense into him. It's pretty embarassing having to be called out by somebody else's folks, sometimes kids will behave better for parents who aren't their own, for whatever reason. It's quite possible he'd be even more unpleasant to stay with if he knows you told on him of course. Perhaps if you tried talking it through with your folks though they'd see if you could be separated. I understand if you don't want to get your folks involved though.

And as a sidenote, I for one don't blame you for worrying about Paris being dangerous at night. The fact that other cities can be more dangerous isn't that much of a reassurance in the (admittedly rather rare) happenstance that he does end up in trouble which is more likely to happen if he's careless, if he drinks excessively and if he's cocky. Chances are pretty high he'd come back unscathed, I imagine, but he sounds like the sort of guy that wouldn't help his own chances and I'd rather avoid the risk if it were me.

Hope you manage to work something out and that he goes back to Bostonshire soon. :smallsmile:

And finally, yes, yes my name is pretty cool.

[crimson77]

What should I do?
I would suggest talking with your mother about this problem. Tell her why you feel torn (not wanting to burn a bridge with him but keep him safe). See if she has any suggestions and remind her to keep your conversations just between the two of you. There is a good chance she will be understanding.

[grimbold]

I would suggest talking with your mother about this problem. Tell her why you feel torn (not wanting to burn a bridge with him but keep him safe). See if she has any suggestions and remind her to keep your conversations just between the two of you. There is a good chance she will be understanding.
i think i might do this but i am not sure if it will work as this guys is a total jerk to his mom (ex he wouldnt give her money after she got robbed earlier today even though she promised to pay him back)
you gave to understand that he swing on like a pendulum from jerk to cool guy its weird. like he'll be cool for maybe 3 hours then a poophead for 3 hours and its really annoying
everytime i think i am in the clear it gets worse

[CommodoreFluffy]

Do you have baseball bats in France? I'd use a baseball bat.

[grimbold]

Do you have baseball bats in France? I'd use a baseball bat.

commodore fluffy
you are a genius

but yeah he just left so its all good :smallcool: