View Full Version : tell your funny D&D stories here

2006-07-20, 07:25 PM
hi i started this post to hear some funny stories so start em up

2006-07-20, 08:49 PM
... You start.

2006-07-20, 10:13 PM
DnD does lend itself to humorous moments because it's hard to take seriously all the time. Every group has it's own set of hilarious moments though many of them fall into the "you had to be there" category.

My favorite from my group:

Our rather mentally unstable dwarf barbarian/fighter charges ahead towards a red dragon, leaving behind the rest of the party. Predictably, the dragon snatches him up and starts flying away to kill the dwarf at his leisure before circling back to pick on the rest of the party. The dwarf, firmly held in the dragons mouth, knowing he had no chance of winning a grappling check, decides he'd better use the magic item he had in his hand when the dragon grappled him. A figure of wonderous power. An elephant figurine. Named Stampy.

The dragon was quite surprised to find itself 300 feet in the air and suddenly grappling an elephant. In the ensuing confusion both the dwarf and the elephant found themselves free of the grapple, which meant instead they were plummeting to the earth. The dwarf survived the fall due to high hit points, but the elephant . . . splashed.

2006-07-20, 10:27 PM
I shall not give you full stories, but rather quotes form which you can discern the madness of my RP groups. And all of these are true.

"..and then the monkey exploded."

"I might be armour plated, but I can't breathe porridge!"

"Sigmar's Sausage! Rain of snotlings!"

"So we put him in a wicker ball and kciked him around a bit."

"You walk away, there's a pile of rubble slowly burning behind you..."
"When isn't there?"

"Well, I suppose it woul be best if I took my car; I mean, it's not the fastest thing in the world, but you can't carry me while you're flying, yuo can't run with me in your arms and I don't think that you could feasibly invent something in the next few minutes that could get me across the city and OH MY GOD YOU'RE GOING TO FIRE ME OUT OF A CANNON AREN'T YOU?!"

Fualkner Asiniti
2006-07-20, 10:31 PM
My friend's sorceror is a little psychotic, and he attacked a preist for no reason, really. So here's what I did.

Me (DM): you are suddenly on the ground, tied up. you are being carried away by two guards, probably to the jailhouse three blocks away.

PC: dang.

Me: anyway, would you like to rethink that?

PC: I do NOT attack the preist,instead I walk out and attack the merchant selling scrolls...

some people never learn ;)

Fax Celestis
2006-07-20, 10:32 PM
"Well, I suppose it woul be best if I took my car; I mean, it's not the fastest thing in the world, but you can't carry me while you're flying, yuo can't run with me in your arms and I don't think that you could feasibly invent something in the next few minutes that could get me across the city and OH MY GOD YOU'RE GOING TO FIRE ME OUT OF A CANNON AREN'T YOU?!"
I'm going to go die laughing now.

2006-07-20, 10:44 PM
I have a couple of funny stories.

Baby dragon abuse.
I was in a small group doing the sunless citidel, and we'd made friends with the kobold leader. We had promised to procure the baby white dragon which was her favorite pet, for a reward of course. So we set off to find it, which we did. It had made it's little room icey and slippery so we decided to lure it out so we didn't slip on the ice so we had a guy on the other side of the hallway opposite to the door and taunted it so it would run at us and get a ton of attacks of opportunity so we all did nonlethal to irbut everyone but one person critted and confirmed with nonlethal. We being new didn't really know how to handle that so the DM just decided it was so addled by all the longswords hitting it with thier flats that it slammed against the wall next to the one that taunted it.

The worlds hardest CR 1/2
Again, the sunless citidel, but a little later with another group and I was a different character. Well we'd gotten most of the dungeon polished off but we wanted to see if there were any more goblins to do away with for the sake of the village. So we came across a hallway with darts being shot at us when pressure pads were stepped on. So I was the tank and I went first, But remember I'm also the healer. I went down in two rounds. The guy that followed me was a secondary healer but had used up all his heal spells and because HE was still standing there he was taken down in ONE round. So we have two bleeding healers lying there, so another guy tries to go out there and drag us to safety. He gets hurt pretty bad but we're safely across. Then the druid runs across, getting hit twice but living and healing himself and the two bleeding healers to conciousness and so the last thing on the other side of the trap is a wolf. He jumped...didn't touch the ground at all......I'd never felt more stupid when I was outwitted by a wolf who knew how to jump....

This one's kinda short, but I like it anyway;

"....I like your style"
We were doing a quick adventure that was basically just rooms with monsters and treasure in it, But our DM being as professional as he was did a good job of RPing it. We came across a medium brass dragon who was lying on his massive hoard of gold, and we detected a single magic item. My character was the only one with a positive charisma score, so i talked to it to try and take it's magic item for very reduced pay. I was chaotic evil, he was chaotic good so this is how our conversation went.
Me: "I'm willing to buy that magic item I've detected within your pile"
Dragon: "oh yeah? what if i'm not willing to give it up?"
Me: "I'd like to ask you again....otherwise I might have to end up in a situation you might not like"
Dragon: "I don't like what you're telling me"
Me: "I bet a brass dragon's head could be worth something...."
Dragon: "I wonder how much YOURS would be worth when i melt it"
Me: "I could say the same to you..."
Dragon: ".....I like your style"
I won the dragons friendship through a series of witty threats...I loved that.

2006-07-20, 11:16 PM
Seven Imps take down Level 14 party.

So we were just starting out D&D back in high school, and the previous DM had gotten the party up to level 14 before he let me have a go at DM'ing. The party had a Sorcerer, a Monk, a Psion, two Fighters, a Ranger, and a Cleric.

It's a hot summer day, and the party had, for some reason, not taken their mounts along, and I'm describing the heat waves, the mirages, and so forth that they see along the road ahead, just for flavor (and also the seven imps hiding along the road using their invisibility talent to try and get to the next town quickly).

So the Monk decides to charge on ahead at the nearest mirage, outdistancing the rest of the party pretty quickly, and finds himself in the midst of the seven imps. Initiative is rolled. Monk rolls abysmally. Seven imps stun him with their poison stingers, and are setting up for a coup de grace.

One of the Fighters charges forward (the rest of the party stood back and let all this happen). Fighter is stunned, Monk fails Fort save against the coup de grace.

The Cleric casts detect magic or something to see if anything magical is ahead (nevermind the corpse and the soon-to-be-corpse). The Sorcerer starts layering himself with protection spells (as opposed to dropping a magic missile or lightning bolt into the imps).

The Ranger starts firing, takes down the imp who was setting up to kill the Fighter, and wounds another.

Then the Psion drops a Whitefire into the very dry, cracked, combustible field that the road is winding through.

Not my gaming group's proudest moment.

2006-07-20, 11:18 PM
This one time, my second-level rogue blackjacked a black wyrmling into unconsciousness. Thank you, Evasion.

Another time, in Eberron, my fighter kicked the Emperor of Riedra square in the nuts.
...bastard still made his concentration check. Damn Quori spirits.

2006-07-20, 11:40 PM
Not D&D but Vampire: the Requiem. Still a funny story though. I'm a malkovian with schitsofrenia. Hears voices, but he's still very intelligent, had money, looked a little older than most vampires. Prehaps in his mid-thirties, and dosn't come off as crazy. This took place in The Village in NYC:

GM: Okay you just fed and your on your way home. On your way out of the alley there are two guys waiting for you. One is a big black guy with a bat. The other is a short ugly looking guy. They look angrily at you.
Me: Well I'm not suited for combat, so I'm going to run away as fast as I can.
GM: Okay the ugly looking guy shoots at you and hits you in the leg as you run by. The Big black guy chases after you with a bat.
Me: Crap! I pull out my gun and shoot him while on the run
GM: The bullet goes into the black guy's head, but he still keeps running at you.
Me: Double Crap! I turn down the next alley and try to climb up the fire escape. (I criticly fail the climb)
GM: You fall flat on your back and the two catch up with you. The black guy continuously beats you with the bat and you go into torpor
Me: Son of a...
GM: While uncontious you feel yourself being carried someplace

I was put into the trunk of a caddalac.

Long story short I escaped and was Kidnapped again at a nightclub by some different people.


Different campaign, A few weeks later, Different GM: D&D I was a psion.
I was unknowingly standing outside of the theive's guild, whadaya know? I was jumped by a huge dude and next thing I know, I'm in a prison....my only responce was (out of character of course)

"F***!! AGAIN? WHY ME? What about my characters makes them so f***ing kidnappable! Are you two in kahoots? What about it? Answer me!" Saddly, I still know nothing about this and I probably never will.


Oh, and then there where the group of 5 shocker lizzards that killed 6 level 5 party members. And thus...Shocker Lizard Swarm has become a running gag.

2006-07-21, 12:16 AM
Evil campaign. Two or three orcs, a hobgoblin, my half-orcish druid, and a kobold all making their way back to the shore of a human city, after killing a guy for his skiff.

There was funny stuff before this, involving corpses and boots up arses and using an intelligence-boosting spell to have a better chance at doing a really stupid thing, but the greatest part of it was when we get back to shore and are greeted by the city guard.

"So why'd you have to kill that poor fisherman?"
"What fisherman?"
"The one whose boat you stole."

At this point we just sort of pause. And our orc barbarian replies, just before raging:


And the night ended with my druid stampeding out of town tossing alchemist's fire from the back of a goat.

I don't think any description can do that session justice, but that was the most hilarious game I've ever played.

2006-07-21, 12:24 AM
"..and then the monkey exploded."

It's odd, but this is exactly how I finished up my synopsis of the movie adaptation of V for Vendetta.

2006-07-21, 01:39 AM
Honestly, I think the funniest things have happened when I have played a bard. In that situation I was basically allowed to make jokes all the time when nobody else was.

Mayor: So we need you and your group to go save this group of slaves who are being incarcerated by orcs.
Me (Human Bard): Are there girls?
Mayor: Uh, I would imagine there are some.
Party Ranger: What do you care....they aren't even the same race as you?
Me: Helllo.....senioritas...
Party Ranger (who happens to be female): Strangely, I see your point.

2006-07-21, 02:24 AM
Another time, in Eberron, my fighter kicked the Emperor of Riedra square in the nuts.
...bastard still made his concentration check. Damn Quori spirits.Epic-level Concentration DC, anyone? :o

2006-07-21, 02:43 AM
This one wasn't funny at the time, but it's our favoutrite in-joke now.

Friend's little bro was DMing, and he tended to fiat. This also included a running BBEG who we hit with a true strike nat 20 confirmed, and "he's out of range." In 6 seconds.

Anyway, since we were always moving and got a bit too much loot, we put it into making a tank. Cart, horses armored with horseshoes of speed, shields on the sides reinforced, swivel-mounted crossbows... It was after we fought a giant and were talking about gertting a second cart with a siege weapon that he decided the cart had to go. So we get attacked by bandits.

Smoke bombs flood the cart, not affecting them. We still manage to take out the first six, so six more appear. And more. And more. They finally overpower us and make off with the cart (had the wizard's spellbook too.) We follow, soon find the horses dead and hoofless. Keep following the trail and he says we lose it. Make a great tracking roll and follow them to the desert.

...now we weren't far behind them, and they were apparently carrying the cart ON THEIR BACKS. You'd also think the track DC to follow an infinite number of ninjas would be pretty low. Finally, where do an infinite number of bandits hide in the desert? They need quite a few supplies. Finally we just took to asking everyone we met if they'd seen an infinite number of bandits around anywhere.

So it's been over ten years or so, and we still crack up if anyone mentions an infinite number of bandits.

2006-07-21, 04:26 AM
I was playing a halforc fighter wearing spiked full plate in the middle of a busy city when a rogue from a local guild stole my money. I failed to detect the theft, but my sorcerer friend caught him and the rogue hightailed it. I immediately charge through the crowd chasing the guy, pushing and shoviing hapless citizens out of my way, and in doing so are causing countless numbers of wounds to the poor populace as my protruding spikes cut and slash in my full sprint through the streets. When we got to the guild building, there was a man at the entrance who tried to trick me into thinking they had nothing to do with the theif, and that he wasnt inside. I didnt bother to listen to him, and instead took him completely by suprise by bashing him out of my way and knocking him unconcious. Me and the sorcerer then laid waste to the guild headquarters until some higher level members came down and proceded to kick our asses. Luckily the local guards finally caught up with me by that time and probably saved my life, though I did spend some time in jail. Oh well, it was definetly worth it.

2006-07-21, 06:01 AM
Epic-level Concentration DC, anyone? :o

Well, more like the guy himself was "OH MY DEAR SWEET GODS IT HURTS", and the Quori spirit possessing him was like "puny fleshsack body! *concentrates*"

2006-07-21, 08:35 AM
I had a d20 modern game once that basically involved the PCs completly screwing up with the optimum weapons.

They were part of a military unit on an island. The island had a research facility and there was the military unit's purpose was to investigate a supposed virus outbreak. After losing half of the nameless NPCs with M16A2s that made up the bulk of the unit, the party was resting in a bungalow owned by the research facility's investor. The party had already found that their M16s were pretty useless against the mutant monsters on the island. The monsters couldn't regenerate fire damage so the party had been using Thermite Grenades.

So in the bungalow the party's Smart hero used the kitchen to create improvised incendaries and rolled a natural 20. He then gave the incendaries to the tough hero. Then they managed to find an experimental Railgun. The Railgun however had no power pack so the Smart hero used a vacuum cleaner he'd found in a cupboard to make a mains adapter for the railgun.

Some way into the night one of the mutants attacked. The party's sniper took the Railgun, used the Dead Aim feat to spend a full round action aiming. Next round he used an action point to boost his attack roll with the Railgun. He missed. The Railgun melted from the energy (it was only experimental) and the mutant was still tearing NPCs apart. The NPCs managed to corner the mutant next to the kitchen.

Now they didn't have the Railgun, the "Smart" hero threw a Thermite Grenade at the Mutant. The Mutant passed his save, one of the NPCs got burnt to death, and the gas range got hit. The mutant was then torn apart by the super-heated shards of a kitchen work-surface.

At roughly the same time as they threw the grenade at the mutant, the Tough Hero heard a noise coming from the garage. He went to investigate and saw that a second mutant had torn a whole in the roof and was standing infront of the car stored in the garage. The Tough Hero then rushed over to the car, opened up the bonnet and threw the natural 20 made incendary into the car.

The Tough hero ended up on 1 hp whilst the mutant was... gone. The Tough hero used second wind to up his HP and then saw that the Smart hero and just blown up the gas range.

The party left the house VERY quickly.

2006-07-21, 08:40 AM
Quick two character 20th level gestalt bossfight type game, just me and a couple of friends. Takes place in an ancient, Egyptian-style ruin. They just beat the everloving crap out of a group of bandits in the sarcoghagus room.

Me: The ruins are dark, all light ceases about twenty feet from the opening.
Barbarian/Cleric: That's ok. I'll cast Light on by caber.

(Yes, a caber. A Large, platinum, mercury filled caber. Its damage was 2d10. It was a monster. The paladin/fighter had a fullblade, also Large and filled with mercury. so he wasn't any better, really)

(post-bandit fight)
Me: Alrighty, so the last bandit goes down. From where you're standing you notice a large opening that looks like it was carved out of the wall by some large creature. There's claw marks and scrapings on the walls, ceiling and floor, and you also notice that the tunnel behind it looks roughly excavated.
Barbarian/Cleric: I'll throw the thing I cast Light on down the tunnel.
Paladin/Fighter: Ummm, that was your caber.
Barbarian/Cleric: Oh, right. *dramatic gesture with one hand* Come back to me!
Paladin/Fighter: Uh, you don't have that ability on your caber.
Barbarian/Cleric: Oh, right.

2006-07-21, 08:45 AM
Okay, a relatively new DM was playing a premade adventure and was reading off the entry... basically it went like this...

DM: The tunnel ends with a deep pit. Down below you can hear lizardfolk moving equipment and speaking in their native tongue...

Sorcerer: Hm... I don't think we should go down there...

Fighter: Agreed.

Rogue: Yeah

Druid: okay, we leave and go back to town

Sorcerer: So, now what?

DM:... you guys suck.

2006-07-21, 10:27 AM
a while ago one of our players got a ring of wishing for 50 gold but what he didnt know was that it had a twist...

Pc. i wish i had a redworm dragon as a pet

Dm. ok so a redwormdragon dragon appears out of nowhere and blasts you with fire

some how the player survived but it was funny he wished for 4 more wishes and lost his limbs for the wishes

another funny one was once in d20 modern where the same player that in D&D had the ring wanted to have lazer discs and im like how the hell will you hold them or r u just talking about cd's

2006-07-21, 12:06 PM
"You walk away, there's a pile of rubble slowly burning behind you..."
"When isn't there?"

*applause* This has got to be the most quotable thing I've ever read.

2006-07-21, 01:22 PM
In a 2nd Ed campaign I was playing my 1st (and last) bard. I had the "Gallant" kit, which meant I was the poetic defender of love, and beauty, and puppies (or whatever) and got a bunch of special bonuses when fighting for these ideals.

Anyway, so I was supposed to participate in this jousting contest on behalf of some local lord. But I wasn't exactly well-equipped. My armor was wooden (but painted to be extra shiny), my "horse" was actually a particularly well-mannered mule, and my lance was hollowed out because there was no way I could even lift it otherwise!

Despite being horribly overmatched by the other combatants (all fighters, most of which were at least a level higher than me and they had useable equipment), My bard prepared and started the competition with a song on his lips (literally). He got trounced, to say the least. And his attempt at a lance was shattered in the third match (I didn't hit anything until then).

Of course, the noblewomen in the stands loved me and kept rooting me on (which actually started giving me the equivalent of morale bonuses to everything - which is how I actually managed to hit something to shatter my lance).

Not long after my lance shattered, though, gnolls attacked the village...and went straight for the noblewomen. So, still mounted on my trusty mule steed, I managed to uproot a sapling and charged one of the gnolls, jousting-style. Well, I manged to score a hit on the gnoll, actually impaling it on the sapling but managing to knock myself prone and unconscious at the same time. I slept through the rest of the combat. My donkey, of course, ran off.

Thus endeth the career of my bard. :)

Fax Celestis
2006-07-21, 01:27 PM
A collection of quotes from my campaign. (http://www.corporation.walagata.com/fax/wiki/index.php/Red_Under_Blue_Quotes)

2006-07-21, 01:59 PM
I remembered another one of my group's classics.

A low level party of morally ambiguous adventurers gets hired by a local NPC thief to provide a distraction for said thief's criminal activities. This thief badly wants a certain item that is owned by the head of a local gang of half orc street toughs that hang out in a local inn. He reasons that if the party picks a fight out front he can nip in a back window and rummage through the valuables while everyone is busy brawling.

At the appointed time, the party wanders down the street in front of the inn and picks the fight. The party is having more trouble than anticipated because apparently this gang included a spell caster or two that the thief had neglected to mention to them. The party monk keeps trying to get to the opponents backline to shut down the casters but the backline keeps retreating on him. So the casters retreat inside the inn and the monk follows. Then the party follows because the monk discovered that there were a lot more half orcs in the inn and yelled for help. So now the fight has moved indoors. Then the enemy casters retreat up the stairs to the second floor of the inn. The monk follows, and again discovers more enemies so again the rest of the party follows to bail him out.

So here's the party, on the second floor of the inn, involved in a huge melee and fighting for their lives, when of course a window open and the thief crawls in. He freezes, looks around at the utter chaos, and crawls right back out the window.

After successfully slaughtering the entire gang the party goes to find the thief and tell him it's clear to poke around the inn now. Much to their surprise he's apoplectic with rage and practically foaming at the mouth because his plan has been ruined and the mass street fight means that the building is now swarming with city guards. He took one look at the party and burst out with his immortal quote "I asked for a distraction!! What in the name of Pelor would you have done if I'd asked for a frontal assault!?!?!?!" The party stood silent for a moment absorbing this, and then the bard recoverd his wits and replied glibly, "Gone around back and rattled some trash cans."

2006-07-21, 02:17 PM
In a group I once played in, well, still am playing in, we had this monk who absolutely definetly actaully rolled those 4 18's a 17 and two 15's......

Anyway we were hired to clear out this crocodile infestation on some farm or other, and we were in melee with them. Teh L337 Uber Monk says 'Don't worry, I'll handle them!'

He rolls two attacks for his unarmed strikes. They come up 1, and 2.

Me: "Thats it give them the old 1-2!"

Same group, different campaign, me DMing. Characters walk into temple to get healed. The cleric was being played by someone who didn't always think things through before saying them. Anyway, the fighters ask for healing, and other stuff. The players weren't used to Rping trips to the temple, so this was a bit of a curveball.

1:"We need healing!"

Priest:"I'm afraid Pelor's will demands a donation to the temple if healing is to be dispensed"

Cleric: "I AM PELOR!"*

Priest: "How dare you inpersonate The Almighty Eternal Sun! Get out of this temple, now!"

*Meaning "I'm a follower of Pelor"

They then had to RP apologising to the priest. 'Teh L337 uber fighter/sorceror!!!1111' played by the monk player from above, then casts touch of idiocy on the priest because he is teh Uber and can't be hurt by 'teh clericxorz'. The priest, now very annoyed shouts:


Then all the paladins I had mentioned to the PC's as they entered took an interest, and the fighter/sorceror ended up needing 5,00gp of diamonds.....

Trust me, it was funny at the time.

2006-07-22, 01:21 PM
A goliath monk in my campaign was shopping for some healing potions. The gnome magic shop dealer was trying to drive a hard bargin, charging 400gp for a potion of cure moderate wounds. The monk tries to go for 300, but the gnome turns him down. Then the monk goes:

"How about three hundred seventy-five thousand"

The gnome looks shocked for a moment and then grins. "Deal!".

After we stop laughing, the monk manages to convince the gnome that he make a mistake and get them for a reasonable price.

2006-07-22, 11:17 PM
DM: OK, so you go to bed with the elf you met at the bar.
Mage: I assume that I will be healed by this escapade?
DM: Yeah, yeah, healing occurs.
Mage: When I get that feeling...
DM: *starts rolling percentile dice*
Mage: I need sexual healing...
DM: Roll a percentile.
Mage: Okidoki. *rolls*
DM: Again.
Mage: *rolls again*
DM: One more time.
Mage: *rolls again*
DM: OK. The elf is acutally a man. And he's pregnant. And he'll give birth in the morning, in bed with you. It'll probably wake you up.

Silly game. "Roll a system shock to see if you think the Paladin is God."

-That reminds me, if a chaotic neutral male elf rogue seduces a lawful good paladin (I know, redundant), male human, who's in a commited relationship with a woman who just died, is that a good, evil, or neutral act? Come to think of it, would the elf get XP for that?

2006-07-23, 01:21 AM
This happened to my rectum-corkless paladin.

I am interogating a prisoner by throwing a grappling hook at his balls. I hit. the DM says he is starting to go woozy and pass out, so I do a good dose of Lay on Hands. Before I can continue with the interogation one of the party says: "So you just grabbed his nuts?"

I have yet to live this down.

2006-07-27, 09:46 PM
I've got a ton that i posted more than a year ago, and to avoid repeating myself there's a bunch under a search for my name. However, here's a personal favorite.

Balthas Giggleberry (1/2 orc bard/fighter) is a favorite in my homebrew campaign, where Balthas' player is the best roleplayer in the bunch. They reach a town where they suspect a slave trade ring is centered, so Balthas decides to meet the king and discuss this fact.

Of course, Balthas is stopped by the two guards at the front gate. They question him a little before he ditches the subtle approach and he clobbers them. He steals their uniforms and marches through the gates, bluffing past several more guards. Once inside the main grounds, Balthas' player tells me this.

"Well, i'm in far enough. I take off my disguise, only to realize i'm wearing nothing underneath it but my war hammer... then i shrug and walk on anyway."

Balthas encounters one more pair of guards, each baffled to see the armed, naked half-orc. He begins to demand to see their king, intentionally thrusting and posing all the while. When this doesn't convince them, he tries to attack them as well.

A guard roll very well with his axe, so i rule that Balthas is... a little less manly very quickly. Balthas stops attacking and stares at his injury.

".....Balthas Giggleberry is not a man to retreat, but the situation demands it!!" He grabs his missing piece and runs out of the castle.

Balthas: "I haul ass to the nearest temple, shove my bloody **** in their face, and yell 'HELP MEEEEEE!"
Me: "The priest vomits and two priestesses faint."

Eventually, a priest calms him down, gets him some clothes, and insists they can reattach it. Of course, i couldn't resist making a priest snicker and add "It's a touch spell..."

Balthas: "Sooooo... should I cough or something?"
Priest: "Shut up, you're not helping."

2006-07-27, 10:43 PM
In my last campaign, I played a gray elf archivist. We were playing in a homebrew world that dragons had taken over, and the common races were fighting for independence. I decided that Wisdom would be Elwe's dump stat, and ended up with a character with an Intelligence of 20 and a Wisdom of 6: the classic absent-minded professor. Elwe was a military historian trying to write the definitive history of the Draconic Wars, and the only reason he joined the party was that he figured he would end up with the chance to interview a dragon or two, thus removing bias from his manuscript. That alone lead to a lot of funny moments.

Personally, my favorite happened rather early in the campaign. The drow had made an alliance with the dragons, and as we made our way through a dragon's lair to steal a magical artifact, we were constantly being harassed by a drow cleric. When we reached the final confrontation with her, it happened to take place in the dragon's library. While everyone else is rolling initiative, I announce that my character sits down and begins to read, ignoring the conflict. The look on the other players' faces was priceless, and the DM wasn't expecting it at all, even though my character had frequently announced that he would like nothing so much as understanding the conflict from the dragons' perspective. Halfway through the conflict, my archivist got hit in the head with a sling stone and finally joined it.

2006-07-28, 07:13 PM
Last session I played we had one of those, "It's a touch spell..." moments. We got in a random encounter with a few weasels and their imfamous attach ability happened to go right for the cleric's groin. He started shouting, "Get it off! Get it off!" So my bard tryed to stab it with a rapier. Guess what? My bard was a skill monkey with a -1 attack bonus. The DM ruled that I had magaged to hit... the cleric's left nut and delt max damage (5). Our cleric now had a rapier wound through a very sensitive place. After the battle, he insisted the paladin lay on hands on his wound. Needless to say, the paladin refused and we had to wait 5 days to heal (we were still level 1).

2006-07-28, 08:51 PM
The above isn't that bad. We had a simular situation, but the paladin did lay-on-hands. He made a new bandit friend!

2006-07-28, 09:18 PM
"The Many Uses of Create Water, by Cathrindir."
This is where the teeny little thing under my avatar comes from.
So, I had enlisted in the army in the recent campaign, and was now in a battle for control of a fortress. After wading through battle for a few minutes, my Cleric saw the enemy general charging.
Me: I wait right here.
DM: ???
A few rounds later, the general is right in front of me, charging. This guy had over 20 hit dice, believe me. He's about to kill me in ONE round, aaand...
Me: I cast Create Water in his face.
Wheeee. Nothing like being on your trusty steed in 100 pound armor and suddenly having several gallons of cold water splashed into your face. He reached up to get the water out of his eyes.
Me: Better make a ride check.
DM rolls....
DM: Natural 1. Crap!
The general flies of his horse, crashes into a few of his soldiers, and lies unconcsious on the ground. My Cleric calmly walks up to him and Coup de Graces him easily. Now all of the soldiers around me are pretty demoralized after watching their fearsome general get hit with water and dying by a single person.
DM: Two people attack you!
He rolls a 1 for each attack. Each one, I kid you not!
DM: The both fly into eachother and knock themselves down.
My Cleric actually survived that encounter. Also, in another encounter, the army was digging a hole into the sand, and suddenly it caved in. I cast Create Water, and voila. The sand that was blocking the exit turns into mud and slides off, freeing the people inside.
And that's how I got the little thingy under my Avatar.

2006-07-28, 11:25 PM
My party was walking along a thin corridor, single file.
We saw a large ogre or something like that. We spread out and the barbarian moves behind me. When it gets to his turn, he pulls out his shortbow, and fires.
except he forgot that i was still in front of him. Directly in front of him
frikken half-orcs.
We discovered Red versus Blue soon after, thus my sig.

2006-07-29, 02:34 AM
This is an arena game. I'm the DM in charge of the fight, and they're fighting bugbear zombies. The barbarian smacks his greatclub into one, dealing 13 damage (8 with DR), and shouts, "That all you got?"

As soon as the monsters act, the zombie he hit retaliates with its morningstar, dealing 13 damage to him. The necromancer (controlling the undead from the spectators' box) shouts back, "Is that all you got?"

2006-07-29, 10:34 AM
To really get the impact of this story, you have to understand the player it applies to. One of the most egotistical jerks I've ever met; vain, proud, has never made a mistake (that he'll admit to), and was just overall obnoxious. He was playing a two-weapon ranger.

It's fairly early in the party's adventuring career, somewhere around third level. We'd entered a small town to resupply and found out they'd just been raided by kobolds and half their merchants had been kidnapped and dragged out of town. We hi-yo-silvered in hot pursuit. Caught up to 'em that night and scouted out their camp.

There was a lot of kobolds there. When I say a lot, I mean a LOT. The DM kept inflating the number to keep us from making a frontal assault.

"You see twenty kobolds."
"That's not so bad, let's go get 'em!"
"Wait, it's more like fifty."
"Still doable. Let's get to it!"

So instead of an assault, we sneak into the camp, let the prisoners loose and botch some Move Silent rolls. Kobolds start swarming us. Captain Charisma, mentioned above, heroically says, "I'll hold them off, guys, get out of here!" He attacks the kobolds with his two swords... and somehow, somehow manages to roll two fumbles. Both swords go flying out of his grasp and the last we saw of his character, he'd been gang-tackled by a swarming heap of kobolds. Looked like the human chess scene in "History of the World, Part I".

Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

2009-01-17, 01:30 AM
it didnt happen in my party but another group the dm had.

the one guy has a character named cat who had a dog and wanted to be a wererat. my DM not wanting this at all just didnt have any of the wererats they faced bite him. the player not at all peturbed by this after the fight declares he is making one of the wererats bite him. the DM not to happy responds such:

DM: you try to get it to bite you but find it actually has dentures

player: fine i try the next one

DM: dentures again

player: well how about the next?


this turned into a slight running gag

2009-01-17, 07:35 AM
In one campaign my group played, home brewed setting using a modified version of the White Wolf D10 system. One of the characters managed to
without fail kill/disable any serious threat to the group in one round thanks to ridiculous dice rolls and some good will from the DM for good descriptions of the action.
This carried on until the group were to capture a ship.
The boarding action itself went smoothly until the player
announces that he is charging one of the defending sailors
with his Shield trying to knock him overboard.

Player: *rolls* critical failure
DM: The sailor sidesteps your charge putting you off balance
roll to see if you fall over yourself. (easy roll here)
Player: *rolls* only just makes it.
DM: *smiling* well, it's the sailors turn now. He tries to
push you overboard since you are still a bit off balance.
DM starts laughing showing the roll
Player: I'm falling in the water right?
DM: yep
Rest of Group: (thinking about the character who
has defeated some of the greatest swordmasters
in the world, become the champion of the barbarian raiders
through a series of tough gladiatorial battles,
and many other great feats being pushed into the ocean
by a nobody)
*rolling on floor laughing* :smallbiggrin:

2009-01-17, 09:57 AM

Wowzers. Thats a big gap.

2009-01-17, 10:09 AM
In one campaign, my group came to a well. The goblin fighter and the sorcerer pull up a bucket and I came up with the idea of using the bucket to lower the party down the well, starting with the goblin. The sorcerer then asks the goblin to help throw the warforged down the well. The warforged failed his opposed strength check, but succeeded on his reflex save, only to fall down when the rope snapped. I then become enraged by the behavior of the other two and I tell them to throw me down the well. I attempted to make an opposed strength check, but failed. The warforged did not become unconscious from the fall, but I did.

Roland St. Jude
2009-01-17, 01:53 PM
Sheriff of Moddingham: Please don't commit Thread Necromancy.