Main parental worries by age categories? What should a parent know?

[Pika...]

So I am about to finally start work on my first next month if the mama (another girl/lesbian couple who just decided on me from the competition! Yay! :smallbiggrin:) can get the contract put together with a layer bay then. Friends have been pretty nice by making jokes and all that good stuff, but some along with some serious discussion got me thinking. What are the big parental worries by age categories?

I know of the following:

0-1: Miscarriage, Crib death. Both scare the hell t of me.
2-12: Autistic, getting kidnapped (Unlikely, but possible none-the-less).
13-18: Boys (If I have a girl, which I hope). I am anti-guns, so I might have to invest in a +1 mace. Not joking, I'll call it Gary and hang it near my door way. :smallconfused:
0-18: The school system failing it, myself failing it.



Can the parents here expand on this list? Any advice/things one should know? :smalleek:

ps. I am going to be known by the child. THEY are the main parents and rules makers, but I will be involved.

[Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll]

13-18: Don't be THAT dad. All the girls I know whose fathers don't let them to date still date, and it just means they have to lie to you. It's much easier to simply be sympathetic.

That's my main thought, basically.

[Raistlin1040]

Do you mean Autistic, or are you actually worried that the child you donated sperm for will be Artistic?

[Pika...]

13-18: Don't be THAT dad. All the girls I know whose fathers don't let them to date still date, and it just means they have to lie to you. It's much easier to simply be sympathetic.

That's my main thought, basically.

Oh, I don't mind dating. I simply plan to have a nice LONG talk with each boy, being sure to show him my paperwork proving I am not quite "there" when I get really manic, as I hold Gary. The words "IF you hurt my daughter aside from the normal dumping hurt, well...I won't get jail time I'll assure you. Just some time at the asylum likely. Been there. I liked the happy shots..." will hopefully make them rethink anything abusive. :smallbiggrin:



Do you mean Autistic, or are you actually worried that the child you donated sperm for will be Artistic?

Thanks...

[Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll]

Oh, I don't mind dating. I simply plan to have a nice LONG talk with each boy, being sure to show him my paperwork proving I am not quite "there" when I get really manic, as I hold Gary. The words "IF you hurt my daughter aside from the normal dumping hurt, well...I won't get jail time I'll assure you. Just some time at the asylum likely. Been there. I liked the happy shots..." will hopefully make my intentions clear. :smallbiggrin:

Oh, that's all good then. Second best type of parent is the one that's mildly threatening, yet also amusing.

[Tengu_temp]

I'm confused. Are you planning to become a parent, or are you just donating sperm for a couple? Because those are very different things.

[Pika...]

I'm confused. Are you planning to become a parent, or are you just donating sperm for a couple? Because those are very different things.

Both. They have made it clear I will be the father. :smallbiggrin:

Basically, they will be the main ones, but I will also be involved.

[Nerd-o-rama]

1) There is nothing wrong with having an artistic child. They'll just require a little more financial support when they get older.
2) You're a donor, not a parent. Unless you've worked out something special and unusual with the parents, you're not going to be involved in this child's life in any way.

[Pika...]

1) There is nothing wrong with having an artistic child. They'll just require a little more financial support when they get older.
2) You're a donor, not a parent. Unless you've worked out something special and unusual with the parents, you're not going to be involved in this child's life in any way.

Will edit first post. Basically, I will be involved. The carrier told me both of them agreed "You will be the father, and we will never keep it from knowing you".

So, I get less time with it, but don't have to deal financially.

[LaZodiac]

When the child gets to do in school based Mothers' and Father's Day stuff, the teacher will be very, very confused. Basically, the best way to deal with it is to explain the whole situation. If she gets offended, tell her to shove off.

[Pika...]

When the child gets to do in school based Mothers' and Father's Day stuff, the teacher will be very, very confused. Basically, the best way to deal with it is to explain the whole situation. If she gets offended, tell her to shove off.

Aww...I'll need a display case just for the stuff it gives me over the years. :smallsmile:

And agreed. Hopefully there will be less ignorance by then.

[Nerd-o-rama]

Will edit first post. Basically, I will be involved. The carrier told me both of them agreed "You will be the father, and we will never keep it from knowing you".

So, I get less time with it, but don't have to deal financially.

So...sounds like you're a donor, not a parent, and you'll be no closer than a friend of the family.

[Pika...]

Oh, that's all good then. Second best type of parent is the one that's mildly threatening, yet also amusing.

Makes me wonder which is the first best. O.o

[Raistlin1040]

Regardless of the language they use, "being involved" =/= "being a father". When the seven year old girl needs help on her math homework, you will not be the one helping her. When the ten year old girl is having problems with her friends, you won't be the one to comfort her. When the sixteen year old girl gets picked up by her boyfriend to go see a movie, you will not be the one answering the door and giving him an unfriendly glare.

I'm sure you'll be involved. You'll be invited to birthday parties and soccer games. If you don't see her as much as you want, you can Skype or email. You'll be involved, but that doesn't make you a father. If the parents decide they don't want you to see her anymore, there's not much you can do about that.

[Pika...]

So...sounds like you're a donor, not a parent, and you'll be no closer than a friend of the family.

Depends. The carrier has even discussed it spending time at my place if I still live in Florida during the time if IT wants. The wife on the other hands is iffy, but I am sure as the years go by I will earn her trust.

So it has been made clear I am not just a donor. I will be in the loop from getting the ultra-sound to possibly being at the birth. Again carrier was OK with it, but wife is not-so-much at the moment. However, I would see it shortly after regardless.

[druid91]

Yeah sorry Pika, but it sounds to me like you're setting yourself up for a fall.

EDIT: And one of the parents doesn't like you? That's even worse, Sorry for my pessimism but this just sounds like it would end up being a source of tension between the two.

And between the friendly guy who happened to donate genetic material for the child, and the wife...

[Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll]

Makes me wonder which is the first best. O.o

Communist Hippy Space parents.

[Pika...]

If the parents decide they don't want you to see her anymore, there's not much you can do about that.

Not according to our contract. We've discussed all that quite a bit. If the kid wants to see me, they, nor I, can deny it that.

[Nerd-o-rama]

And while I'm here, speaking as a guy, teenage boys have exactly as much to fear from teenage girls as vice versa. It all depends on what kind of people they end up meeting. I don't suppose you'd think of threatening a teenage girl with a deadly weapon if she emotionally manipulates "your" son into doing something stupid, would you? Of course not.

[LaZodiac]

I really don't see how some of you guys are being so negative about this. Have some confidence! Worst case scenario he can write a sitcom about it and make tons of delicious cash monies.

[Pika...]

And while I'm here, speaking as a guy, teenage boys have exactly as much to fear from teenage girls as vice versa. It all depends on what kind of people they end up meeting. I don't suppose you'd think of threatening a teenage girl with a deadly weapon if she emotionally manipulates "your" son into doing something stupid, would you? Of course not.

Who said that? That is part of learning who you will end up with silly.

I am more going to talk about the "No means No" part, and of how I may only have a mace but the mothers have shot guns, so he should pray I find him first.

[The Rose Dragon]

And while I'm here, speaking as a guy, teenage boys have exactly as much to fear from teenage girls as vice versa. It all depends on what kind of people they end up meeting. I don't suppose you'd think of threatening a teenage girl with a deadly weapon if she emotionally manipulates "your" son into doing something stupid, would you? Of course not.

And this is not even getting into the possibility of the child turning out to be not interested in the opposite sex!

[Pika...]

I really don't see how some of you guys are being so negative about this. Have some confidence! Worst case scenario he can write a sitcom about it and make tons of delicious cash monies.

Two lesbians, a virgin, and a baby? Brilliant!

[Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll]

Two lesbians, a virgin, and a baby? Brilliant!

I'd watch that.

[Pika...]

And this is not even getting into the possibility of the child turning out to be not interested in the opposite sex!

I am knocking up a good friend who is a lesbian. Think I'd care? :smalltongue:

It will get huggies gay or straight.

[LaZodiac]

It's like Will and Grace meets Two and a Half Men.

[Nerd-o-rama]

Who said that? That is part of learning who you will end up with silly.

I am more going to talk about the "No means No" part, and of how I may only have a mace but the mothers have shot guns, so he should pray I find him first.

You are still making grossly wrong and sexist assumptions about how adolescence and gender politics within adolescence work that, if you had actually spoken to a female in high school, you might not be making.

But it doesn't matter, because it's not like he or she will be expecting advice or "protection" from you anyway.

[The Rose Dragon]

I am knocking up a good friend who is a lesbian. Think I'd care? :smalltongue:

I'm not talking about the child. I'm talking about his romantic interests (years of English taught us that the masculine pronoun can be used as a gender-neutral pronoun when referring to people). If the child is a gay guy, will you consider being as overprotective of him from other boys? If the child is a gay girl, will you consider that the other girl also has parents who might be overprotective of their daughters?

((It is easy to say "yes", now, but human mind does not always work rationally. For some reason, the instinct to protect daughters is usually higher than the instinct to protect sons.))

[Pika...]

Yeah sorry Pika, but it sounds to me like you're setting yourself up for a fall.

EDIT: And one of the parents doesn't like you? That's even worse, Sorry for my pessimism but this just sounds like it would end up being a source of tension between the two.

And between the friendly guy who happened to donate genetic material for the child, and the wife...


Well, it is not me so much. She has told her she "appreciates my caring and help", and she agreed the child will never be held from knowing me. She...well, is one of those lesbians who started her time with women due to a very bad male in her life. Her first husband. She is very untrusting of men but I have dealt with that issue once before. Basically, I am sure and the wife agrees that in time I should be able to prove I am no threat, and am a genuinely good guy. She has a hard time believing any guy will be.

Also, carrier is stern on child knowing it's father, so wife is kinda not so bad now. I still want to earn her trust, though.

[Pika...]

I'm not talking about the child. I'm talking about his romantic interests (years of English taught us that the masculine pronoun can be used as a gender-neutral pronoun when referring to people). If the child is a gay guy, will you consider being as overprotective of him from other boys? If the child is a gay girl, will you consider that the other girl also has parents who might be overprotective of their daughters?

((It is easy to say "yes", now, but human mind does not always work rationally. For some reason, the instinct to protect daughters is usually higher than the instinct to protect sons.))

Makes sense. But I hope I do the right thing in the end. Whatever that is...

[LaZodiac]

As long as you honestly love the child, you can't really do wrong.

[Pika...]

But it doesn't matter, because it's not like he or she will be expecting advice or "protection" from you anyway.


Again, it has been agreed that I will be more than a donor. And I may be a lessor parent, so unless she/he is over at my place I can't send it to it's room, but they have granted me the title Father. I doubt a lesbian couple would have done that for no reason. It is a title I will take seriously, as I respect my limits as dictated by the mothers and our contractual agreement. I may even be the one it goes to if (gods forbid) harm comes to the mothers. Would a woman tell you that if she did not mean it?

[Nerd-o-rama]

Again, it has been agreed that I will be more than a donor. And I may be a lessor parent, so unless she/he is over at my place I can't send it to it's room, but they have granted me the title Father. I doubt a lesbian couple would have done that for no reason. It is a title I will take seriously, as I respect my limits as dictated by the mothers and our contractual agreement. I may even be the one it goes to if (gods forbid) harm comes to the mothers. Would a woman tell you that if she did not mean it?

As I kinda implied before when talking about boys and girls and who had to be protected from what:

YES.

[The Rose Dragon]

As long as you honestly love the child, you can't really do wrong.

Oh, you can do a lot of wrong. Incorrectly or excessively expressing your love can do as much harm as not expressing your love or not loving the child in the first place, if not more.

[druid91]

And while I'm here, speaking as a guy, teenage boys have exactly as much to fear from teenage girls as vice versa. It all depends on what kind of people they end up meeting. I don't suppose you'd think of threatening a teenage girl with a deadly weapon if she emotionally manipulates "your" son into doing something stupid, would you? Of course not.

Yes I would.

I'd also threaten them for various semi innocous and possibly imagined slights for weeks, until I've decided they are willing to devote themselves in spite of a maniac who wants to maim them.:smallwink:


Again, it has been agreed that I will be more than a donor. And I may be a lessor parent, so unless she/he is over at my place I can't send it to it's room, but they have granted me the title Father. I doubt a lesbian couple would have done that for no reason. It is a title I will take seriously, as I respect my limits as dictated by the mothers and our contractual agreement. I may even be the one it goes to if (gods forbid) harm comes to the mothers. Would a woman tell you that if she did not mean it?

Yes, yes she would.

My stepdad used to be married to be married to such a woman, he has a daughter we haven't seen in years. He pays a ridiculous sum in child support for a child he is supposed to see but doesn't.

So simply put, people can be deceptive.

[Pika...]

Oh my god. I just talked to her, and now I am crying due to happiness.

She just told me not to worry what people think, and when the time comes I will be "daddy". I am so happy!

[druid91]

Oh my god. I just talked to her, and now I am crying due to happiness.

She just told me not to worry what people think, and when the time comes I will be "daddy". I am so happy!

Well, my own personal pessimism and eyore like tendency to assume the worst aside, congratulations, be happy.

From what I know you need it.

ALSO: IT IS VERY IMPORTANT, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ALLOW THE CHILD TO WATCH HAPPY TREE FRIENDS! unless you want them to see cute teddybear-like animals killed in horribly graphic ways.

Then go ahead.

[Innis Cabal]

What they say now might change. Even if it's fully in writing, they can take you to court. You're not legally a parent so if it does happen like that...you'll lose without much of a fight. Plus there's court bills...other expenses. This is really just setting yourself up for a mess. If you want a kid, you should get a kid. If you're a donor you're a donor and you should leave it at that.

[enigmatime]

You're not legally a parent so if it does happen like that...you'll lose without much of a fight.

Genetically, he is/will be the father. You cannot deny that. Put yourself in this situation. How would you feel?

I'd also like to add that this is not what the OP was asking... I mean, even if it doesn't really apply to his situation in totality, it still could be useful to others if we could stick to that... Just saying...

[Mina Kobold]

2-12: Autistic, getting kidnapped (Unlikely, but possible none-the-less).

Oy!

Why do people consider autistic disorders on par with getting kidnapped? It hurts to be viewed that way. It's just a difference of personality. :smallfrown:

[/sad rant]

Anyway, it sounds wonderful. Congratulations! :smallsmile:

[Mathis]

This is really just setting yourself up for a mess. If you want a kid, you should get a kid. If you're a donor you're a donor and you should leave it at that.

I'm sorry Pika, but I have to agree with Innis Cabal. This does not sound like a good idea. At all. I'm all for taking risks and chances in life, that's generally what makes life worth living. But this is one risk that is going to have consequences for the entire life of another person. If you really want to be a parent you should find someone you love and want to live your life with and have a child with that person, either by adoption or the more traditional way. This just seems like setting yourself up for a big, big mess like Cabal said.

[Nerd-o-rama]

Yes I would.

I'd also threaten them for various semi innocous and possibly imagined slights for weeks, until I've decided they are willing to devote themselves in spite of a maniac who wants to maim them.:smallwink:

Hooray for gender equality!

[Innis Cabal]

Genetically, he is/will be the father. You cannot deny that. Put yourself in this situation. How would you feel?

I'd also like to add that this is not what the OP was asking... I mean, even if it doesn't really apply to his situation in totality, it still could be useful to others if we could stick to that... Just saying...

He's the biological father. He's not the legal father. In a court, biological parenthood means little when you waive everything else as a donor. As for how I'd feel in the situation? I don't know, it's not something I've ever considered and I'll never have to.




I'm sorry Pika, but I have to agree with Innis Cabal. This does not sound like a good idea. At all. I'm all for taking risks and chances in life, that's generally what makes life worth living. But this is one risk that is going to have consequences for the entire life of another person. If you really want to be a parent you should find someone you love and want to live your life with and have a child with that person, either by adoption or the more traditional way. This just seems like setting yourself up for a big, big mess like Cabal said.

He doesn't even have to do that. He can just find a donor himself and get a kid.

[druid91]

What they say now might change. Even if it's fully in writing, they can take you to court. You're not legally a parent so if it does happen like that...you'll lose without much of a fight. Plus there's court bills...other expenses. This is really just setting yourself up for a mess. If you want a kid, you should get a kid. If you're a donor you're a donor and you should leave it at that.


I'm sorry Pika, but I have to agree with Innis Cabal. This does not sound like a good idea. At all. I'm all for taking risks and chances in life, that's generally what makes life worth living. But this is one risk that is going to have consequences for the entire life of another person. If you really want to be a parent you should find someone you love and want to live your life with and have a child with that person, either by adoption or the more traditional way. This just seems like setting yourself up for a big, big mess like Cabal said.

So you agree with my original assessment.:smalltongue:



Yeah sorry Pika, but it sounds to me like you're setting yourself up for a fall.

EDIT: And one of the parents doesn't like you? That's even worse, Sorry for my pessimism but this just sounds like it would end up being a source of tension between the two.

And between the friendly guy who happened to donate genetic material for the child, and the wife...

[Worira]

Oy!

Why do people consider autistic disorders on par with getting kidnapped? It hurts to be viewed that way. It's just a difference of personality. :smallfrown:

[/sad rant]

Anyway, it sounds wonderful. Congratulations! :smallsmile:

Because there is a world of difference between certain autism spectrum disorders like Asperger syndrome and the severe to profound mental retardation of many autistic individuals. Describing autism as "just a difference of personality" is incorrect and perhaps harmful to people's conceptions of even milder forms.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Though have you considered that it might be hurtfull or offensive, if ''being like you'' is considered equally bad as kidnapping?

The autistic spectrum is just too broad to make general statements like that.
I know people who've been diagnosed with authism who are pretty much what the public views as ''retards'', but I myself don't feel at all associated or alike to them.
I've been diagnosed with authism, have a great social life(a tonne of good friends, have had multiple girlfriends), I'm struggling a bit in college, yeah, but not that much more then most of my classmates.(Let alone that half of what we started with has already dropped out)*

Some of us just struggle to understand people/social life and are better at science or other subjects. Some autistic people are what would fall under the stereotype of ''retarded''. It's a big world out there and being autistic can be very ''mild'' or severe(Which occasionaly can be just, different, it can just happen that severe cases just don't fit the ''modern world'')

I myself think that autism should not be as wide as it is, and especially dislike the medical world wanting to close down sub-groups.(Atleast that's what my shrink told me, that they're wanting to remove sub-types) I used to ''have'' PDD-NOS(the rest group of authism) and now they call it Aspergers, while certain feats of me which have given the tag ''autism'' have not changed much, if at all.

*Ps. If you're thinking that I'm able to do ok/well in college because autistic people are generally assumed to be better at maths and occasionaly languages, I'm in arts college. :smallwink:

I like to think that they can do with that tag whatever they want, I just am ''ok'' with the tag because it makes my parents and the occasional therapist happier. Teachers generally thought of me as that ''weird kid who was cool but struggles with paperwork'', then they heard the tag. Treated me a bit different. A week later they realized ''oh hey, ****, he's still the same kid, nothing changed.''
They just give me a little more freedom now because they think they can get away with it better now vs. school system.


My general statement/meaning being: The autistic spectrum is just...too wide, to make general statements like that.


herpaderp. Sorry, for that long and off-topic rant. Just a pet peeve of mine. ><

On topic:

As long as you honestly love the child, you can't really do wrong.
I would care to disagree, my parents love me dearly, but they've done a good amount of things wrong.
Just because you love somebody, does not mean you automatically will have a good relationship with them. Yes, you care will be so much better, but you can and will still make mistakes. This is a very broad statement, but it's of my oppinion that it's like that in most relationships. Be it parent/child, a romantic one, or just friends.

Pika: You're a hmm, I wouldn't pretend to know, but as far as I can make out from this, you're going to have a sort of ''uncle'' role, with the title of biological father. A good deal of this is pretty much of how much is the kid going to want to hang around you.

I think a good idea to think about(and teach the child) is to make sure that real parents are the one who raise and love them every day for their childhood. You will still (most likely) love the child, but you won't see him or her every day. I think the major worries of parenting, will not be your worry(or the two moms should be worrying about it, more, anyway.:smalltongue:)

I think my main advice to you will be, try to figure out a good balance of protecting it, respecting your distance(you will not be one of the two main parents who will see it day to day) and trying to let the child figure out things on it's own.

[Durmegil Guldur]

Hi,

I just (edit: Made my first real post) yesterday, but I felt that I should write something. From my experience (boy 8, boy 6, girl 3, boy exp Aug '11), you can never plan for "main" worries, as life has a way of throwing all sorts of things you could never have planned for at you. The key is just to be there for your kids, make the best of whichever situation you find yourself in, and support your kid to grow up and make the best life for themself they can.

My eldest son was diagnosed with an Autistic Spectrum Disorder when he was quite young, and though he is not a severe case, there are times when I don't even see it. There are times when his emotions get the better of him, but dealing with this is all part and parcel of being a parent. There have been reams of literature written on this subject, and (I imagine) on whichever situation you and your child find yourselves in. Whatever comes up, and whenever you get the chance, just support the child as best you can and no one can ask any more of you.

One proviso: This arrangement you make reference to might prove complicated in the event that you start a family with another woman one day. Just don't forget about your first child, even though you might not see them as often.

Finally, from one father to a father-to-be, all the best. You're in for some real ups and downs.

[Killer Angel]

Again, it has been agreed that I will be more than a donor. And I may be a lessor parent, so unless she/he is over at my place I can't send it to it's room, but they have granted me the title Father.

Probably you'll be more than a donor, but certainly you'll be less than a father. A title it's not the thing: you won't live with the child, and you won't be there, as much as the parents.


As long as you honestly love the child, you can't really do wrong.

If only this were true...

[LaZodiac]

Concerning what I said about the whole "as long as you love the child" thing, my intent was like "as long as you love and accept them, and treat them fairly and as a human being, and try to be as concious to their personalty as possible and making decisions based on that, you can do no wrong".

Admitidly I'm just dumb, bu whatever.

[Juggling Goth]

My mother says teenagers are nothing to worry about - every year they get further away from nappies is a year they get easier. (Many would disagree with this.)

From my own teenage years... make sure the kid knows you've got hir back more than ze knows you'll be angry if ze screws up. How you do that, I don't know. It was undoubtedly true for me, but I was too neurotic to realise it.

From observing some quite damaged people in my life... make sure the kid knows parental love is not conditional.

[Asta Kask]

Before you act, think. Then think again.

[KenderWizard]

That's great news, Pika! I wish you and the mamas and the baby all the best! :smallsmile:

A lot of people in this thread are being pretty negative about it, and it's important not to be stupidly optimistic, but I don't think expecting to be a big part of the child's life is stupidly optimistic in this case. Obviously if it does go wrong, as any family might, Pika will be very upset, but that's no reason to say "No, lesbian friend of mine, I don't want to be part of this beautiful little child's life, just in case you screw me over down the line or we fall out". Better to have loved and lost, and all that.

This kind of arrangement can work beautifully. My cousin and his husband-to-be are the daddys of a gorgeous toddler, who spends most of his time with his mammys. Like in Pika's case, there was an existing friendship between the two biological parents. The child knows his daddys are family. Pika could end up being a really close parental figure, or an uncle figure, or a family friend figure, or maybe just an occasional visitor, but none of us know the future.

Anyway, the thread isn't supposed to be about whether or not Pika is making a good decision, and I don't think any of us could change his mind.

At this point, I wish I had some parent-y advice, but I don't have any babies yet! :smallsmile: I think it's important to spend as much time as you can playing and spending time with the child. That's how to forge a good bond together, and children learn through interactive play.

[Themrys]

And while I'm here, speaking as a guy, teenage boys have exactly as much to fear from teenage girls as vice versa.

This is true in principle, but statistically, more girls are date raped by boys than the other way round.

However: It is a truth universally acknowledged that date raping your date leads to being killed by the date's parents. I don't think it is necessary to say that.

@Pika: As the male parental figure, you are first and foremost responsible for being a good role model. Just show the kid how a man should behave and it will not even feel attracted to bad boys. Or become one.

Instead of threatening boyfriends, stick to warning the child.
"Friends" from the internet should only be met at public places and teenagers should never let their drinks unattended. Constant vigilance!

Don't try to be the boring daddy, try to be the cool uncle. Teenagers don't listen to their parents. ;)


If you're going to babysit the toddler, electrical sockets should be made childproof. As should balconies. And make sure you don't have poisonous plants in your flat.
If you want to be paranoid, there's plenty you can do. ;)

[Pika...]

That's great news, Pika! I wish you and the mamas and the baby all the best! :smallsmile:

A lot of people in this thread are being pretty negative about it, and it's important not to be stupidly optimistic, but I don't think expecting to be a big part of the child's life is stupidly optimistic in this case. Obviously if it does go wrong, as any family might, Pika will be very upset, but that's no reason to say "No, lesbian friend of mine, I don't want to be part of this beautiful little child's life, just in case you screw me over down the line or we fall out". Better to have loved and lost, and all that.

This kind of arrangement can work beautifully. My cousin and his husband-to-be are the daddys of a gorgeous toddler, who spends most of his time with his mammys. Like in Pika's case, there was an existing friendship between the two biological parents. The child knows his daddys are family. Pika could end up being a really close parental figure, or an uncle figure, or a family friend figure, or maybe just an occasional visitor, but none of us know the future.

Anyway, the thread isn't supposed to be about whether or not Pika is making a good decision, and I don't think any of us could change his mind.

At this point, I wish I had some parent-y advice, but I don't have any babies yet! :smallsmile: I think it's important to spend as much time as you can playing and spending time with the child. That's how to forge a good bond together, and children learn through interactive play.

Thank you kindly for your words. :smallsmile:

And you are right, we can't tell the future, but for once I feel optimistic and I am placing my full trust in this woman. That has made me a fool in the past, but eh, you are right that it is better to have tried than not. And once the child turns 18, even if things had gone TERRIBLY wrong between the mother and me, it will be it's choice.

Also, thanks for telling me about your cousin's story. Makes me have hope seeing it worked out for someone else.


ps. Must be nice having two mommies and two daddies come Christmas and birthday times.

[Blisstake]

16+
Driving

14+
Drugs, Sex

5+
School performance

12+
Child's social popularity

This is what I've generally noticed, but I'm definitely not an expert on the subject. And yes, I'm quite aware there will be parents for which this doesn't apply, or applies at a different age.

[Jude_H]

This sounds like a disaster in the making.

Still, um, nice. Just keep your dice out of reach.

[Pika...]

Just keep your dice out of reach.

But how will I teach it to slay dragons and seduce princesses/charm princes? O.O

[druid91]

But how will I teach it to slay dragons and seduce princesses/charm princes? O.O

Best lullaby ever. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fDlJsYr0sY&feature=related)

[Pika...]

Best lullaby ever. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fDlJsYr0sY&feature=related)

That was so awesome!

I will play it again tonight as I go to sleep...

[KenderWizard]

Thank you kindly for your words. :smallsmile:

And you are right, we can't tell the future, but for once I feel optimistic and I am placing my full trust in this woman. That has made me a fool in the past, but eh, you are right that it is better to have tried than not. And once the child turns 18, even if things had gone TERRIBLY wrong between the mother and me, it will be it's choice.

Also, thanks for telling me about your cousin's story. Makes me have hope seeing it worked out for someone else.


ps. Must be nice having two mommies and two daddies come Christmas and birthday times.

Glad I could help! :smallsmile: I didn't want you to get disheartened when I had proof that this arrangement can work!

Yeah, you gotta be careful not to spoil that kid. :smallwink: Not only four parents, but eight grandparents, loads of aunts and uncles... He's a very supported child!

[Zherog]

14+
Drugs, Sex

...

12+
Child's social popularity

I have a 9 and 10 year old. Both of these (especially the latter) come up sooner than you're listing.

Assuming "sex" needs to include teaching the child about "bad touching" and all that sort of stuff, that should be on the radar no later than entering kindergarten (so 5+). Obviously, the concerns involved change with age. However, even if "sex" is just the proverbial birds and the bees, it can (and in a lot of cases should) come up sooner. Girls can enter puberty as early as 10 or 11. Boys as early as 12 or so.

Since children emulate behavior, they need to be taught about drugs - including alcohol and tobacco - at an early age. Again, it's entirely reasonable to keep the conversations age-appropriate, but it is something that needs to come up.

As for social popularity, that's also a concern the moment the child enters school. Bullying is a serious problem, and it can (and does) start early. Teaching empathy is important, so your child doesn't become a bully. But teaching coping methods is also super-duper important, especially if your child is shy.

[THAC0]

I have a 9 and 10 year old. Both of these (especially the latter) come up sooner than you're listing.

Assuming "sex" needs to include teaching the child about "bad touching" and all that sort of stuff, that should be on the radar no later than entering kindergarten (so 5+). Obviously, the concerns involved change with age. However, even if "sex" is just the proverbial birds and the bees, it can (and in a lot of cases should) come up sooner. Girls can enter puberty as early as 10 or 11. Boys as early as 12 or so.



Girls can enter even earlier, even ignoring statistical outliers. 8 and 9 is becoming far more common these days, from personal experience and from various literature on the subject.

[Zherog]

Fair nuff. Now that I think about some of my daughter's friends, that's definitely true.

[Zeb The Troll]

For some reason, the instinct to protect daughters is usually higher than the instinct to protect sonsThis is because, if an unplanned pregnancy were to happen, the boy responsible is physically capable of walking away whereas the girl has some life changing decisions to make. No matter what she decides, her life will be different. The fatherly warning to boy suitors of daughters seeks to avert this by promising that if the boy involved creates the situation, one way or another, his life will be different too. :smallcool:

Note - this does not mean that if the situation arises that the daughter's father will absolve her of all crimes and blame it all on the boy. Most of us are fully aware that our little girls need to be made aware of the repercussions of their actions too.

So, I will flatly state that I have, and would continue to, treat boy suitors of my daughters differently than any of the other scenarios. Girls don't get girls pregnant and likewise boys with boys. Daughters we have years to impress upon them the seriousness of the activities they're going to want to engage in. Their boy suitors, I have to make a quick impression because I have no idea what his parents have been teaching him.

RE: The concern that Pika equated Autism Spectrum Disorders with kidnapping. He didn't. He simply stated that the time for concern happens at the same age. No need to be angry at the man for something he never said or implied.

[Pika...]

RE: The concern that Pika equated Autism Spectrum Disorders with kidnapping. He didn't. He simply stated that the time for concern happens at the same age. No need to be angry at the man for something he never said or implied.

Basically, and thanks.

[742]

gah wrote this big long post and browser ate it. short version is that there are so many little problems with 1 in an actual million (not a protagonists million, sometimes called a protagonists statistical million) chance of occuring. there are some broad categories to watch out for

bullying
peer relationships
family troubles
injuries
medical stuff
educational stuff
psychological/psychiatric stuff
vampires
relationship stuff
sex stuff

also i would seriously recommend having the kid learn to spot and lose a tail and pick a lock. even if you arent great at them those are amazingly useful skills to have and probably saved my (admittedly absurd) life more than once each even being terrible at 2/3. martial arts and possibly parkour as well(self defense escaping things being healthy confidence larger social pool possible bonding experience if a parent teaches or learns alongside), getting started early given some of your other concerns. self defense classes dont really work, that sort of training takes time but wow is it effective once you have it. remember to treat the kid like theyre smart (maybe keep a song of ice and fire on the top shelf, but LOTR and "a brief history of time" are fair game for bedtime reading as early as three) and being a nerdy role model/influence is probably even more important than the (not at all unimportant) function as a male role model if the mothers are not of adequate nerdiness.

the school system will fail, but if the kid sees that those things can be fun BEFORE they see that theyre always a slog(as public school tends to drill into its students) they probably wont need it.

re: being an overdramatic ass to a kids significant other doesnt work. didnt you ever read "romeo and juliet"? i thought that was the aesop! that and "teenagers are idiots, killing yourself without double checking is stupid, and good communication is the foundation of any relationship that doesnt end with everyone dead"

[enigmatime]

Though have you considered that it might be hurtfull or offensive, if ''being like you'' is considered equally bad as kidnapping?

The autistic spectrum is just too broad to make general statements like that.
I know people who've been diagnosed with authism who are pretty much what the public views as ''retards'', but I myself don't feel at all associated or alike to them.
I've been diagnosed with authism, have a great social life(a tonne of good friends, have had multiple girlfriends), I'm struggling a bit in college, yeah, but not that much more then most of my classmates.(Let alone that half of what we started with has already dropped out)*

Some of us just struggle to understand people/social life and are better at science or other subjects. Some autistic people are what would fall under the stereotype of ''retarded''. It's a big world out there and being autistic can be very ''mild'' or severe(Which occasionaly can be just, different, it can just happen that severe cases just don't fit the ''modern world'')

I myself think that autism should not be as wide as it is, and especially dislike the medical world wanting to close down sub-groups.(Atleast that's what my shrink told me, that they're wanting to remove sub-types) I used to ''have'' PDD-NOS(the rest group of authism) and now they call it Aspergers, while certain feats of me which have given the tag ''autism'' have not changed much, if at all.

*Ps. If you're thinking that I'm able to do ok/well in college because autistic people are generally assumed to be better at maths and occasionaly languages, I'm in arts college. :smallwink:

I like to think that they can do with that tag whatever they want, I just am ''ok'' with the tag because it makes my parents and the occasional therapist happier. Teachers generally thought of me as that ''weird kid who was cool but struggles with paperwork'', then they heard the tag. Treated me a bit different. A week later they realized ''oh hey, ****, he's still the same kid, nothing changed.''
They just give me a little more freedom now because they think they can get away with it better now vs. school system.


My general statement/meaning being: The autistic spectrum is just...too wide, to make general statements like that.


herpaderp. Sorry, for that long and off-topic rant. Just a pet peeve of mine. ><

Can you, like, come to my school and tell that to people? 'Cause the same applies to any "disability" that the world places on people. There's a broad spectrum for ADHD and ADD, as well. (off-topic)

[Zeb The Troll]

re: being an overdramatic ass to a kids significant other doesnt work.Who said anything about being an ass? I didn't make her dates fear me. I just made it clear that, should something bad happen to her that could be attributed to him, that would change. :smallcool:

[742]

oh! very important! make sure the player has a good build in mind ahead of time or the kids optimization will be really subpar.:smalleek:

[Feytalist]

...big long post...

I just love that you so casually dropped vampires in the middle of that list.

Also, picking a lock and parkour are so much more valuable than what the teach in schools. Also on the list: advanced driving courses. Cause you just know there will come a time when your child will have to drive the family volvo on two wheels.

By the way, when I finally have children, will you come educate them?

[Timberwolf]

Allowing yourself to get worked up about this kind of thing will get you in a bad place each and every time. However, there is no harm in being prepared for the things you can be

0-1 - Cot death - You can't legislate for this, don't smoke anywhere near the child, but this should go without saying. Also, make sure the child has all the shots that it needs. Most things like a cleft palate can be corrected.

2-4 - Children can be elective mutes and just won't talk. Not much you can do about that either. In this time, keep a close eye on growth, weight gain, motor skills etc. Also, things like a lazy eye are usually corrected at this point. Also, sticking a child in front of the telly is a major worry. I'm sorry for those with fond memories, but Barney and the Teletubbies are pure brain rot. CHildren who go out and do things, who have parental involvement and time put into them are the ones who develop the best. Those who plonked in front of the telly because their parents are too busy / can't be bothered often lose out on learning and vital experiences.

4- 7 - Socialising - the child should have mastered basic social skills. Between the age of 2 and 7 is when they are establishing their boundaries, so make sure that you are consistent and fair.

Children are masters of playing adults off against each other, so make sure that you are presenting a united front with the other adults involved, Communication is vital. School worries - well, everyone has them, just be ready with some helpful and considered support about whatever it is that they got in trouble for / advice for dealing with whatever social problem it is. Let the child attempt to solve it first before making the teacher's life miserable. Chances are they'll be trying to fix it too.

7 - 11 - It's time to start letting them have some freedom and independence. By this point, the boundaries should be established and they should be wary / informed enough to be reasonably safe. By this point, most problems aside from serious illness and accidents should have been resolved.

11 onwards, teenagers. Others have commented.

When you say that the child being autistic is a worry, well, perhaps it is in some ways. However, Autism is understood far more today than it was even 5 years ago and autistic people stand as good a chance of success as others do. What you will need to do is modify how you look at the world and make sure that you are communicating in the right way. The school, once they go, should also be well prepared to support.

Other things like Spina Bifida, Cerebral Palsy, Cystic Fibrosis etc etc, will be picked up by your health visitor, or be obvious from scans and support should be ready to tell you what to do about it. Modern medicine has a great track record of helping and correcting a lot of health problems and a lot of people born with problems succeed in spite of them.

Anyway, as said previously, don't worry. It's natural, of course, but it's not going to help any. What will happen will happen. Just rest assured that whatever does happen, there's usually something that can be done.

[Asta Kask]

Can you, like, come to my school and tell that to people? 'Cause the same applies to any "disability" that the world places on people. There's a broad spectrum for ADHD and ADD, as well. (off-topic)

It applies to most things. How tall is 'tall'? How many hairs does a man have to have before he is no longer bald? How fat is fat?

More on it here. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sorites_paradox)

[742]

educate them?
no. im as bad a teacher as i am at most of those things. im just saying knowing how was useful.

to pika...: im really serious here, these things come in handy. just double check the kid's alignment and make sure they dont take monk levels.

[Scarlet Knight]

I am knocking up a good friend who is a lesbian. Think I'd care? :smalltongue:

It will get huggies gay or straight.

You know, your friend's partner may be worried & feel as if you are coming between them. Perhaps she should also have some, ahem, involvement in this blessed event.

:smallwink:

[Thunder Hammer]

A great book I just bought:

"It's a boy!"

One of the authors is the same one from "Raising Caine". Quite a good book, it helped my wife out especially.

[Pika...]

You know, your friend's partner may be worried & feel as if you are coming between them. Perhaps she should also have some, ahem, involvement in this blessed event.

:smallwink:

Well, she is now out of the picture. Messed up in a big way, so they are now broken up.

I am still scheduled for the baby-making, though. So...her loss = my gain? :smallamused:

[AtlanteanTroll]

Well, she is now out of the picture. Messed up in a big way, so they are now broken up.

I am still scheduled for the baby-making, though. So...her loss = my gain? :smallamused:
Is she already pregnant? Because without her partner/spouse, she could prolong her pregnancy.

[Pika...]

Is she already pregnant? Because without her partner/spouse, she could prolong her pregnancy.

Well, apparently she was the bigger bread-winner. So we are still on schedule. :smallbiggrin:

[LaZodiac]

Well, she is now out of the picture. Messed up in a big way, so they are now broken up.

I am still scheduled for the baby-making, though. So...her loss = my gain? :smallamused:

I know it's rude, but a part of me hopes she's Bi. It would suddenly become excessive winning on your part.

[Pika...]

I know it's rude, but a part of me hopes she's Bi. It would suddenly become excessive winning on your part.

She is, but...well, I don't want to ruin our relationship. :smallredface:

[LaZodiac]

Ahh, ok. Well, so long as you are always respectful, and always there for her, I think things will turn out fine.