Rate my (evil) backstory? Please?

[druid91]

http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs12/i/2006/312/4/0/The_Demon_King_Sasuke_by_Kuroi_Urufu.jpg
Age 15~
Tetrane, walked into the cult's lair shortly after Sir Galahar. He instantly spotted a fallen cultists spell book and picked it up, shaking the stiffened hand of it's owner off he flips it open and starts reading. At first the pages are filled with simple spells, the sort any apprentice might master. Galahar sighs in impatience and mutters "Why don't you be rid of that blasphemous thing and come on, Pelor's grace boy!" Tetrane was absorbed in his reading and merely nodded, not really listening, He had found something interesting and was trying to puzzle it out. Galahar reaches out to tke the book but before he get's even halfway there Tetrane screams and flings it across the room, And he falls to the floor clutching his head as a voice roars through his mind.
Glorious! You have such a wonderful amount of potential, are you going to waste it among these fool paladins for the rest of your life? No you can be greater than that. Seek me. Seek Mephisopheles Tetrane. And soon you can be great.
"Boy! Boy! Are you alright?!" Galahar kneels over him, Desperately trying ot awaken him. "Come on boy! Don't die on me now!" Tetrane open his eyes and Shakily stands. the old paladin smiles "Had me scared for a minute boy, now come on, let's give these heretics some steel!"

2 Years later

An army of men, uniformed in black and red, marches towards a white marble fortress with a massive stained glass window showing the symbol of pelor.

Rank after rank the army is just over 100 strong. And at the center, the same boy who once fought alongside the paladins. Standing atop a siege tower. Flying a flag of a black nailed hand engulfed in flames. His troops Chanting his name in time with their march.

Inside the fortress

Galahar and a younger paladin are looking out onto the oncoming horde. The younger one speaks up "See?! I told you that nothing good could come of his fascination! I told you time and again to keep him away from the books of our foes. But you didn't take it seriously, 'Oh he's my boy, he wouldn't be corrupted.' And now we face destruction! Do you realize what you-" Galahar cuts him off roaring out "YES! I know. But... he can't be all gone. I'll go out and try to parley with him convince him to stop this." "And what about the cultists with him? They are just gonna leave?" "If I can knock the sense back into him the cultists won't be a problem." "I hope your right... Dear Pelor I hope your right."

half an hour later

Tetrane looks up from his map set up at the the table and smiles "Ah Galahar, Welcome to the Command tent of lord Mephistopheles' first material legion. It's a wonderful new experiment, and I get to lead it! Now I assume you are here to surrender?"

Galahar looks at him with open horror... "What happened boy? We were friends. You know right from wrong dammit." He slams his fist on the table. "How can you look at all this and treat it with the same enthusiasm as your little pet experiments? This is EVIL! You know how they are! they care not for you or anyone else! Abandon these fools and their "power", Come back before it's too late!"

Tetrane frowns. And when he speaks the chill in his voice is tangible. "I see... So, you were trying to limit me. It would be best for you to go now. I don't need care, all I needed was an opportunity."

the fortress fell in three days. It would take a further two years for Tetrane to corner the final remnants of his former allies and family. During this time an assassination attempt was launched against Tetrane himself.

A small battle

Galahar was struggling with Mey atsheld, Tetranes protege, while Tetrane himself watched bored from behind her. Dodging another bolt of lightning Galahar rushed forward to slash through Mey, disemboweling her to strike at Tetrane, who deflected the blow with his greatsword. "A bit brutal for the shining knight. Am I teaching you a bit about swordplay after all these years?" Galahar screams "How can you just stand there! I just slew your friend!" Tetrane grins and says "'They care for noone,' Isn't that what you told me? And now I'm one of them, made it official with a nice little ritual. Percival was the guest of honor of course. He had a nice warm trip to celestia." Galahar swings a vicious cut at Tetrane, but he vanishes in an instant. Leaving Galahar to scream and vent his rage on a few of the cultist troops Tetrane left behind to finish the battle. Tetrane mumbles to himself from the distant hilltop "I really should find a decent second in command. Cultists seem to drop like flies... Hmmm a dragon maybe?"


The ramparts of the ruined castle the paladins used as a hidden base to strike at Lord Tetrane's army with.

Tetrane and Galahar dueled back and forth across the wall, Tetrane rushing forward, furiously trying to push Galahar back, Galahar effortlessly blocks his blow with a shield and stabs him in the side knocking him to the stone. "I'll give you one more cha- No. You made your choice." And he swings his sword neatly chopping off the fallen mans head, which turns to a lump of snow, the cold substance rapidly melting in the heat of the sun. And then a sword is driven through Galahars back. "Yes, I did." The sword explodes in evil flames as Tetrane rips the blade out, nearly chopping Galahar in half, before kicking him off of the wall.

He walks over to the Wall and notes the vast crowd from the town below that had come to see how the battle would end.

He flies up above them and ignites his sword.
"Attention! This is Lord Tetrane, I do hereby claim this lands by the authority given to me by the lord of the eighth Mephistopheles. Those who could oppose my military domination have been eradicated. All glory to Mephistopheles, and his and our lord Asmodeus!"

The troops below applaud Thunderously. "All hail Mephistopheles! Glory to Lord Tetrane!"

Present day
Lord Tetrane walks into the presence of Mephistopheles and bows, before giving a bored, business-like report of the status of the small kingdom he'd carved out.

"A small church devoted to obad-hai was found in the forest to the south. We burned it and the town that supported it to the ground. The souls who dared defy the proclamation of worship have been imprisoned in gems for shipment to your palace at your pleasure my lord. It was a small few but I felt the display of force would prevent further displays of alternate faith."


Spoilered for length and image.

[Re'ozul]

To be honest, to me the picture+backstory feels a lot like "Uchiha Sasuke in D&D land".

Picture:
For someone with that much fighting he is curiously unblemished.
That could be a plotpoint but isn't explained.
If you were going for "Evil is sexy", then I guess it fits in a bishounen sense.
In my opinion a single big relatively ugly scar through the visible eye (or under the elongated fringe if going for big reveal) that goes down to about the height of the mouth and through the eyebrow would work to make the character appear more badass in the traditional sense (make the eye's sclera black and the iris red for added effect).
Usually unblemished=Mary Sue but "only one prominent scar"=badass master.

Backstory:
Needs more filler between the first two paragraphs.
Even if only in flashback form ala:

The Battle of X: Character finds Y/is compelled to do Z/has falling out due to W.

Otherwise its okay.
I am not particularly weirded out by it, but that could be because I've been reading an excessive amount of creepypasta in the last few days.

Maybe more showing of dichotomy between previous and eventual behaviour on tetrane's side.

(The fight with Galahar seems a bit easy, this would be a perfect time to create the "lasting visual" i mentioned before. If this was also the first time he got seriously wounded it would also increase the ferocity of the fight as well as possibly deepening his resentment for the paladins if the wound resists attempts to get rid of it)

[druid91]

To be honest, to me the picture+backstory feels a lot like "Uchiha Sasuke in D&D land".

Picture:
For someone with that much fighting he is curiously unblemished.
That could be a plotpoint but isn't explained.
If you were going for "Evil is sexy", then I guess it fits in a bishounen sense.
In my opinion a single big relatively ugly scar through the visible eye (or under the elongated fringe if going for big reveal) that goes down to about the height of the mouth and through the eyebrow would work to make the character appear more badass in the traditional sense (make the eye's sclera black and the iris red for added effect).
Usually unblemished=Mary Sue but "only one prominent scar"=badass master.

Backstory:
Needs more filler between the first two paragraphs.
Even if only in flashback form ala:

The Battle of X: Character finds Y/is compelled to do Z/has falling out due to W.

Otherwise its okay.
I am not particularly weirded out by it, but that could be because I've been reading an excessive amount of creepypasta in the last few days.

Maybe more showing of dichotomy between previous and eventual behaviour on tetrane's side.

(The fight with Galahar seems a bit easy, this would be a perfect time to create the "lasting visual" i mentioned before. If this was also the first time he got seriously wounded it would also increase the ferocity of the fight as well as possibly deepening his resentment for the paladins if the wound resists attempts to get rid of it)

Well as for the picture, I liked the expression and general build. He isn't supposed to be sexy, he's supposed to be bored out of his mind.

Though a scar could be a nice touch, I'll think about it.

As for the difference in behaviour, I kinda failed there. That was supposed to be the major differing point. When he was good he was excitable and passionate, he had emtions. When he turned he simply got greyer and greyer until he hit black. He is supposed to be somewhat dull personality wise. I just couldn't think of a way to show it.

The first detailed battle was more of an evil gloat and a way of mentioning the dragon. Perhaps I could slip in some description of the fortress being taken? where he get's wounded there?

[Re'ozul]

Ah, okay describing people getting dull is hard.
I'm not very good at it.

Showing how he gets more and more disinterested in things:

Have a short paragraph of him being bubbly about being accepted as a squire (or whatever his starting position was) with explanation on how he shouldn't wave his sword around as if he is on crack in a swordfighting lesson. Have him defer to Galahar often.

After he picks up the book, have some flashbacks to operations/battles where he either fights in a more callous way (collateral damage is unavoidable, later acceptable, even later "meh") and proposes plans of the same mental progression (luring evil people with false promise, later starving them out, even later disease bombing them). Extra points for him killing enemies that have surrendered ala the old "they'll just escape and then what" argument.

That progression should give the Paladins enough grounds to start mistrusting him greatly, except Galahar who as his mentor wants to see the good in him.

Downside: This makes him very much like Prequel-Anakin Skywalker.

[TheCIASentMe]

A suggestion: Drop the present tense novel style and write it more like a history. You'll be able to keep the necessary information while leaving the details slightly vague which can then be modified as the campaign progresses.

Since he's fallen paladin-ish you can even write it in a style similar to a paladin's accounts and deeds history.

E.g.

In the year of the dark lord, x, challenged the great and mighty castle of X and vanquished his former lord and master in a duel of ... etc etc.

In the year of etc. etc. etc.

[Analytica]

I like it. I do wonder how Tetrane came to have Galahar as a mentor, though. The classic would be "paladin picks up lone surviving child after genocide and raises them", which could then be flashbacked to at the moment of falling.

EDIT: Also, could you post Tetrane's stats? I'm curious. :smallsmile:

[druid91]

I like it. I do wonder how Tetrane came to have Galahar as a mentor, though. The classic would be "paladin picks up lone surviving child after genocide and raises them", which could then be flashbacked to at the moment of falling.

EDIT: Also, could you post Tetrane's stats? I'm curious. :smallsmile:

http://www.myth-weavers.com/sheetview.php?sheetid=308354

And he was an orphan, he showed some talent for magic and swordsmanship and ended up apprenticed to Galahar to work on the later, while helping the paladins when they needed a wizard.

[Analytica]

Gestalt Red Wizard gish, eh? OK, in that case he certainly could have achieved the things he did in the backstory. :smallsmile:

Which are his specialized/prohibited schools?

[LrdoftheRngs]

One question that I think will change how to tweak the backstory: Is he a PC being played by you or a Villain in a Campaign run by you?

If he is a character, then your story is great, but, as some people have said, you need more filler between age 15 and 17. Show a gradual decline into darkness. This gradual decline would make it so that those close to him (Galahar) wouldn't see what a monster he is becoming until it was too late.

If he is the BBEG in a campaign, then I would suggest making the backstory more vague, and have it be acquired by the PC's bit by bit as lore and legend. You want to set him up as an Evil Overlord who has restricted all information on his origins to keep people from finding out his weaknesses. Maybe have it so that Galahar somehow survived his apparent death and is organizing a rebellion in hiding, and the PCs will meet him.
Maybe someone mentioning Star Wars has thrust that idea into my head and I'm subconsciously copying down the plot from A New Hope

Anyways, what I'm basically saying is this: If he's your character, set him up as a Badass. If he's the main antagonist, set him up as a Legend.

[druid91]

Gestalt Red Wizard gish, eh? OK, in that case he certainly could have achieved the things he did in the backstory. :smallsmile:

Which are his specialized/prohibited schools?

Necromancy and enchantment to start off, losing abjuration with the first level of Red wizard.


One question that I think will change how to tweak the backstory: Is he a PC being played by you or a Villain in a Campaign run by you?

If he is a character, then your story is great, but, as some people have said, you need more filler between age 15 and 17. Show a gradual decline into darkness. This gradual decline would make it so that those close to him (Galahar) wouldn't see what a monster he is becoming until it was too late.

If he is the BBEG in a campaign, then I would suggest making the backstory more vague, and have it be acquired by the PC's bit by bit as lore and legend. You want to set him up as an Evil Overlord who has restricted all information on his origins to keep people from finding out his weaknesses. Maybe have it so that Galahar somehow survived his apparent death and is organizing a rebellion in hiding, and the PCs will meet him.
Maybe someone mentioning Star Wars has thrust that idea into my head and I'm subconsciously copying down the plot from A New Hope

Anyways, what I'm basically saying is this: If he's your character, set him up as a Badass. If he's the main antagonist, set him up as a Legend.

He's built to be a character, but I might hold on to him if he isn't used.

[RPGuru1331]

Meh... kinda flat. "You can be stronger!" "Well that's just fantastic sign me up" isn't particularly interesting. Reading the story, it's as if you had a great idea for soup, you lovingly crafted the garnish and finishing touches, added spices to precise taste, and completely forgot the parts that will actually fill you up by mistake. Hm, I'm hungry. One thing at a time.

A near complete litany of evil for its own sake can be interesting once the story proper has started, but as a backstory it lacks for depth. Why did this person fall? They wouldn't have begun the path they did if they were interested only in strength; what specifically changed their motives? What seeds were already planted in life, if circumstance didn't change them? The offer of temptation as a wakeup call to dissatisfaction with life can work, but you have to show the before (Perhaps something they accept as inevitable and unavoidable) before the temptation really sinks in ("Wait, it really doesn't have to be this way", after again being snubbed by a rival, for instance).

Additionally, the bit about hunting down his family, as presented, was just pointless puppy kicking. Evil people don't generally hunt down their families despite their evil. It's too much trouble. They might not care one bit that their father leads the army against them, but specifically seeking them out to slay them would probably require an actual motive of some sort. Not necessarily a 'good' or honorable or understandable one; an execution for a perceived slight is evil, in genre, and can be done interestingly (If used for contrast, for instance). But even before gutting a peasant on the street, an evil overlord generally requires the peasant to bump into them, or not properly show obeisance, or otherwise *do something*. They don't generally execute a peasant for literally no reason.

one additional note I'm editing in:
Your backstory is also way too easy. You've got some good setup for conversations between the dedicated mentor and his fallen student, but reading over it again, I think you gave off an unintended vibe of unopposable power; the entire time the mentor is held in the palm of the student's hand. There comes a point in the backstory where that's to be expected, but it's not generally "The entire backstory". I think this is unintentional though; you could edit the first confrontation to make it more of a draw, and to show that at some point there was a struggle, though.

[JonRG]

A lot of the other points have been hit on, so I have one thing to add. The protegee... Meatshield (or Mey Atsheld)... The name was very immersion-breaking and I'm not sure what your motivation was behind it. :smallconfused:

If it's a touch of metahumor, it seems very out of place. If you just couldn't be bothered, then I'd wonder how necessary she is to the story. It seems like the character should contribute at least a bit to the plot, rather than just dying in the first minute. Developing her character some could be useful in filling the gap between his apprentice and evil warlord days.

[Siosilvar]

NOTE: The following isn't intended to be demeaning in any way, it's just a very condensed summary.
Age 15~ With knight dude, finds artifact, evil voice.

2 years later He's got an army! And he's marching towards aforementioned knight dude, who misplaced his trust in the guy! He's power-obsessed!

2 years later (again)
He kills his friends and family!

A small battle
He's got himself an apprentice, displays callous disregard as said apprentice killed by knight dude, then leaves.

The ramparts of the ruined castle the paladins used as a hidden base to strike at Lord Tetrane's army with. (See also: hey, the paladins are still in the same place!)
Fight scene with knight dude, who I assume dies. I can has country?

Present day
Typical Vader fare.

So... things that seem to be missing.

There's no real explanation for why he turns evil. "Woo power." doesn't cut it. Who is he before, and what's he going through? Is he getting bored being all do-gooder, and so turns to evil for the lure of power, hoping that will alleviate his boredom some (and then finding out that he's even more bored, because he steamrolls over everything)?

No justification for the killing-of-friends-and-family thing. Really, why? Is he cutting attachment to the mortal world? (No support for this anywhere.) Is he hiding the fact that he is doing this, by making the outside world think someone else is targeting him? (Unlikely; he doesn't seem to care who knows who he is.) Does he enjoy making people FEAR him, and these people he can predict their every move, so it's even easier? (No, his real motivation is that he's just bored. This would be a huge jump out of character.)

None of those three suggestions seem to fit with the rest of the story, though. I don't know how you could justify this.

The disregard shown in the "small battle" section should really be expanded. If he's so bored with everything, you should show that more. "So powerful that he's getting bored" is a good hook for the character, but I'm not getting that impression from this backstory.

Why are the paladins operating out of their ruined base? Seriously, that'd be the first place I'd check. Also, if they're the only resistance, they'd have a very tough time operating secretly. I'd say leave the castle and stuff in there, but it's the king's castle or the like, to make the whole claiming-the-land bit make sense.

Likewise, I presume Galahar is a man of some great importance, but that isn't really stated or even implied anywhere except that his death leads directly to the claiming. I wouldn't go so far as to suggest right-hand man to the king or whoever ruled before, but I imagine he got promoted to Captain of the Guard of the castle sometime between years 15 and 19.

Deer version:

You say his main motivation is that he's bored and needs something exciting to do. Let's see that in his backstory.

[druid91]

A lot of the other points have been hit on, so I have one thing to add. The protegee... Meatshield (or Mey Atsheld)... The name was very immersion-breaking and I'm not sure what your motivation was behind it. :smallconfused:

If it's a touch of metahumor, it seems very out of place. If you just couldn't be bothered, then I'd wonder how necessary she is to the story. It seems like the character should contribute at least a bit to the plot, rather than just dying in the first minute. Developing her character some could be useful in filling the gap between his apprentice and evil warlord days.

It was indeed supposed to be a joke. She was never really important, just a way of demonstrating his tendency to go through human apprentices like a starving man through burgers. Thus the dragon. Which I really whould mention more.

Though you are right... gives me an idea. Perhaps showing the difference between how he treats apprentices and such before turn and then after.


Meh... kinda flat. "You can be stronger!" "Well that's just fantastic sign me up" isn't particularly interesting. Reading the story, it's as if you had a great idea for soup, you lovingly crafted the garnish and finishing touches, added spices to precise taste, and completely forgot the parts that will actually fill you up by mistake. Hm, I'm hungry. One thing at a time.

A near complete litany of evil for its own sake can be interesting once the story proper has started, but as a backstory it lacks for depth. Why did this person fall? They wouldn't have begun the path they did if they were interested only in strength; what specifically changed their motives? What seeds were already planted in life, if circumstance didn't change them? The offer of temptation as a wakeup call to dissatisfaction with life can work, but you have to show the before (Perhaps something they accept as inevitable and unavoidable) before the temptation really sinks in ("Wait, it really doesn't have to be this way", after again being snubbed by a rival, for instance).

Additionally, the bit about hunting down his family, as presented, was just pointless puppy kicking. Evil people don't generally hunt down their families despite their evil. It's too much trouble. They might not care one bit that their father leads the army against them, but specifically seeking them out to slay them would probably require an actual motive of some sort. Not necessarily a 'good' or honorable or understandable one; an execution for a perceived slight is evil, in genre, and can be done interestingly (If used for contrast, for instance). But even before gutting a peasant on the street, an evil overlord generally requires the peasant to bump into them, or not properly show obeisance, or otherwise *do something*. They don't generally execute a peasant for literally no reason.

one additional note I'm editing in:
Your backstory is also way too easy. You've got some good setup for conversations between the dedicated mentor and his fallen student, but reading over it again, I think you gave off an unintended vibe of unopposable power; the entire time the mentor is held in the palm of the student's hand. There comes a point in the backstory where that's to be expected, but it's not generally "The entire backstory". I think this is unintentional though; you could edit the first confrontation to make it more of a draw, and to show that at some point there was a struggle, though.

As for the killing of his freinds/ family, I guess I didn't show that well enough. He was an orphan. His "Friends and family" Were litterally the ones trying to cut his throat throughout the whole war. He killed them because they fought. Not because "Oohh extra evil points." They were just a side affect.


NOTE: The following isn't intended to be demeaning in any way, it's just a very condensed summary.

So... things that seem to be missing.

There's no real explanation for why he turns evil. "Woo power." doesn't cut it. Who is he before, and what's he going through? Is he getting bored being all do-gooder, and so turns to evil for the lure of power, hoping that will alleviate his boredom some (and then finding out that he's even more bored, because he steamrolls over everything)?

No justification for the killing-of-friends-and-family thing. Really, why? Is he cutting attachment to the mortal world? (No support for this anywhere.) Is he hiding the fact that he is doing this, by making the outside world think someone else is targeting him? (Unlikely; he doesn't seem to care who knows who he is.) Does he enjoy making people FEAR him, and these people he can predict their every move, so it's even easier? (No, his real motivation is that he's just bored. This would be a huge jump out of character.)

None of those three suggestions seem to fit with the rest of the story, though. I don't know how you could justify this.

The disregard shown in the "small battle" section should really be expanded. If he's so bored with everything, you should show that more. "So powerful that he's getting bored" is a good hook for the character, but I'm not getting that impression from this backstory.

Why are the paladins operating out of their ruined base? Seriously, that'd be the first place I'd check. Also, if they're the only resistance, they'd have a very tough time operating secretly. I'd say leave the castle and stuff in there, but it's the king's castle or the like, to make the whole claiming-the-land bit make sense.

Likewise, I presume Galahar is a man of some great importance, but that isn't really stated or even implied anywhere except that his death leads directly to the claiming. I wouldn't go so far as to suggest right-hand man to the king or whoever ruled before, but I imagine he got promoted to Captain of the Guard of the castle sometime between years 15 and 19.

Deer version:

You say his main motivation is that he's bored and needs something exciting to do. Let's see that in his backstory.

Well to be honest, the boredom only is there at the start (Pretty much spot on He was sick of putting down the endless cults they just kept reappearing cue an infiltration that slowly turned him as he acted the part, and learned just how fun being a bad guy was.), and then towards the end. For most of the war he is not bored. In fact that is why he is so bored. The war was the most fun he has ever had. And then it's over. And he's left with that vague sweet taste in his mouth, slowly going sour as he realizes it's over and he can't think of anything to do to recapture it. His greatest game And he ruined it.