By popular demand...

[MidnightOne]

I mentioned in another thread (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=11335716&postcount=127) that I've been working on a character background going on 36,000 words as a story so far.

Here's the opening:

Alania stood outside the village tavern, reading the notices posted near the front door on the building's worn wooden planks. Her left arm, shield still in her grip, listlessly moved as the morning breezes cut through the street. She sighed, grudgingly about to pull down a notice for a mercenary for another caravan needing guards when a man stepped up beside her.
"Looking for work?" he asked while examining the notice board.
"Yes," she replied, "but there's nothing but bottom-feeders, though."
"I got a job."
She turned and appraised the man beside her. Just a few inches taller than her, a smile on his face peeking out from long frizzy brown hair. His leather armor was covered in road dust and she noticed only two daggers for weaponry. His backpack weighed him down heavily. His brown eyes twinkled as if he was a child just bursting to tell a secret.
He had already checked her out from across the street. Alania sported a chain shirt, long sword and a bow on her back, with a full complement of arrows. Her pack was full as well, but far lighter than his was. Her blond hair pulled into rows of tight braids visible under her skullcap helmet. She gave the outward appearance of being a serious warrior.
He hurriedly explained, "It’s not a guaranteed payday, but at least it's interesting."
"Okay," she replied guardedly, "I'm listening."
He smiled. "I've been poking around the hills, and found a cave that someone's worked the stone. I've been itching to investigate the place."
"O-k-ay..."
"I figure between you and me, we can check it out." He shrugged.
Alania considered her options. She was new to town, only having been through on a round-trip and uneventful caravan route two days previously. While that job had been easy, a week's work barely covered barely three days downtime.
"How far is the place?"
"About a day and a half up into the Sinari woods. I'm figuring about four days total."
She grimaced a little. "I'm not sure."
"How's this, then? We split whatever's found right across even. Even if we find nothing, I'll still pay the usual rate, twenty copper a day. Beats any short-term job you'll find up there," he smiled, motioning to the notice board.
She smiled and offered a hand. "You've got yourself a deal."
He shook her hand enthusiastically, smiling broadly. "Luseth Silimos."
"Alania Hereford. When do you want to leave?"
"No time like now, is there?"
She was a little taken aback. Usually there was a half-day - at least - between being hired and the job. "I guess not," she replied.
Luseth led the way out of town. Once they cleared the town, he began explaining where and what he discovered. "... So I figured any cave that has worked stone means someone had to use it at one time, right? There's been talk forever about there being tribes of cave-dwellers out in the hills, but nothing I've been able to find as solid..." And on he went, regaling Alania with the lay of the land, the local rumors and tidbits of knowledge he had gleaned from simply listening to marketplace chatter.
It took them half the day along the unpaved track before they diverted off into the Sinari woods, and Luseth had not stopped talking the entire way.
As they followed their way along the animal trails, Luseth finally became quieter. Alania hoped it was because of a sense of caution.

[Timeless Error]

Looks neat so far. Looking forward to following along!

[big teej]

MOAR!!!

TEEJ DEMANDS MOAR!!!

MOAR OF THE 36,000 WORD MONSTROSITY!

:smallbiggrin:

you're not allowed to hook me like that and then just stop.

[bartman]

Evil

Just plain evil

Of Course I mean just leaving us hanging like this...

excellent writing so far

[Elyssian]

:smallbiggrin:Bravo, if i could write my characters background half as well it might be longer than half a page...

[Gamgee]

Personally I prefer when the talking is integrated into the writing itself as opposed to making it stand out like a script, but that's just me.

Edit
Unless it's a very key scene, or I need to emphasize whatever it is the character is expressing. Usually something particularly dramatic. Just me being a nitpick.

[MidnightOne]

MAOR! as requested.
The forest wasn't overly thick or thin and let in a fair amount of sunlight as they made their way along the winding trails. Before long, night was creeping up on them.
"Best make camp while there's still daylight," suggested Alania as she moved off the trail. Luseth followed her off the main path and about a hundred feet into the underbrush, finding a small clear spot where the pitched their tents and off-loaded their gear at last.
Luseth lit his lantern, sending a cone of light into the brush briefly before turning it to their camp. Alania was sitting cross-legged in front of her tent; off to the side she had her long blade bared, within easy reach. The remains of her gear she'd apparently stowed in her tent. She was writing carefully in a small book.
"What's that about?" he asked as he motioned to her book.
Alania looked up. "Oh, not much of anything. I like to keep track of what I've been doing, is all. Done it since I was a little girl."
Luseth nodded. "Want first watch?"
She nodded back. "I'll get you when the Chaos Moon is high," she replied, then continued writing. He crawled into his tent, leaving the lamp for her.
Two moons lit up the night's sky. They were named Order and Chaos long ago. Order was a round glowing orb, while chaos never seemed to present the same face twice. It had long been recognized that these two moons determined not only the tides but also the fortunes of those under them as their phases changed. A full Order moon was a good portent, while a full Chaos moon caused ill tidings. The two had regular patterns or rising and setting.
*I've taken to travelling with someone calling himself Luseth Silimos* she wrote. *He apparently fancies himself an adventurous sort, as I'm following him to a set of caves he wants to investigate. While I'm fairly certain it is to no wealth, at least it's a paying job. He's promised at least normal wages, and an even split of anything we find.*
Alania waited for the ink to dry, and then closed the book. She stood and stretched before extinguishing the lamp, dropping their camp of two in the same darkness of the rest of the forest.
The surround woods were louder that she thought they would be. There was an undercurrent of owl calls and intermittent movement in the underbrush as the nocturnal creatures came to life. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she started to watch around the camp for anything that could be looking for an easy meal of two sleeping people.
It was long into her watch when she saw the moonlight reflection low to the ground. She peered harder in the direction where she had seen the movement, slowly starting to draw her long sword for what she thought was the tenth time tonight.
Then she saw it. Two green-reflective eyes low to the ground, stalking in quickly and quietly. She snapped her blade free just at the creature leapt at her. Alania slashed and dodged, fending off the charge with her shield.
The beast hit the ground and turned, growling low like a dog as it tried to dash in on her. She met it with her blade, causing it to yelp in pain and back off for a moment before it bolted in again, snapping at her and missing.
They circled one another, neither getting in a decent strike until it lunged, then changed direction unexpectedly as its front paws hit the ground and ripped its teeth into her calf. Alania cried out, bringing her blade down into the creature's back. They both backed off and circled each other again, both limping with their injuries.
Luseth poked his head out of his tent, shouting. The creature turned on him, giving Alania the opening she needed - she slashed out, killing the beast at last just as it reared back to lunge at Luseth.
Luseth scrambled out of his tent and lit the lantern, shining it first of the dead wolf now laying outside his tent, then at Alania, who sat on the ground with her hands around the bite on her leg, trying to get the blood to stop flowing. He pulled off his shirt and wrapped it around Alania's wounded leg.
"What the hell?" asked Luseth.
Alania grimaced. "Wolf. Must have been really hungry..."
"Damn it, Alania! You should have called! Do you have a death wish?"
She said nothing as she tightened the shirt around her leg, finally stopping the bleeding. Despite the hurt to her pride from him yelling at her, she knew he was right. It was stupid.
"I'll be fine."
He shook his head, frowning. "I'll take the rest of the night. Get some sleep Alania."
"I said I'm fine."
Luseth went back into his tent and came out quickly, cinching the straps of his leather armor in place. With that, Alania crawled into her tent, taking the lantern with her.
She unwrapped the shirt from her leg and inspected the bite. It went deep into her calf and was already throbbing. "Not the most auspicious start," she grumbled under her breath as she took off her armor, doused the light and stretched out to sleep.

[MidnightOne]

Personally I prefer when the talking is integrated into the writing itself as opposed to making it stand out like a script, but that's just me.

Edit
Unless it's a very key scene, or I need to emphasize whatever it is the character is expressing. Usually something particularly dramatic. Just me being a nitpick.

Nitpicking is Not Bad. I'll always take constructive criticism.

[Flail_master]

:smallbiggrin: what a gem!
this is great so far! looking forward to the rest! :smallsmile:

so in the words of big teej: MOAR!!! :smalltongue:

[MidnightOne]

Morning came too fast for her, with Luseth nudging her foot with his. "Come on, partner. We need to get started." They ate, broke down the camp, and were on their way again in short order. It was just before noon when they reached the cave's entrance.
"Here's the place," announced Luseth. Alania merely nodded and looked around the entrance as he started to remove his backpack. The opening was a wide-mouthed gash in the earth, maybe thirty feet wide and fifteen tall and the ceiling gently sloped down the back to a ten-foot opening.
"Footprints," observed Alania, crouching down in the cave. "Not human, though - they're too short."
Luseth nodded. "I've heard there's something that lives out here, but I've never heard what, exactly."
"Better keep our eyes and ears open. They might be home."
Luseth had dropped his pack by now and had fished out a sack. "Working gear," he commented to Alania's raised eyebrow. "Don't think I need a tent and all that to check out a cave, right?"
"Guess not. It's not likely someone's going to steal it out here in the middle of nowhere," she admitted. "I'm keeping mine. It's not slowing me down."
She drew her sword as Luseth got the lantern going. In seconds, they were making their way down a worked hallway and leaving daylight behind.
Luseth kept his eyes on the floor as Alania kept her head up, watching what the lantern's long cone of light revealed as he waves it around the tunnel.
"Whoa, stop," Luseth quietly said. Alania froze in her tracks. He put down the lantern and pulled a small pair of snips from his sack. He leaned forward and soundlessly cut a thin wire Alania could barely see. Seemingly satisfied, he nodded and stood up, putting the cutters away into a pouch hanging from his belt.
"Canny runts, no less," muttered Alania. They continued along the hallway, both making faces at each other with the outhouse-like stench coming from the distant end. Alania noticed a flickering light from an apparent cave at the end and make a cutting motion to Luseth; he doused the lantern's wick and drew a dagger. They eased up to the cavern side-by-side.
Alania peered into the cavern and spotted two yellowish, short and ugly creatures - which spotted her and reached quickly for their morning stars, charging in at the pair of them.
Alania stood fast, braced behind her shield as her opponent came in, swinging wildly with blood lust. It would be his last act as she took a half step forward and ran him through. Luseth was less lucky, slashing out and not coming close to landing his dagger on the beast.
The surviving creature swung at Luseth, who dodged off to his right. Alania brought her blade around fast into the beast's back, the long sword biting deep and ending a second life in a matter of seconds.
She looked around quickly - both in the cavern and the hallway behind - hearing and seeing nothing else in the flickering firelight. She wiped her blade on the fallen creature's armor.
"Goblins," murmured Luseth. He re-lit the lantern and shone the light over the two bodies as if to make sure they weren't faking, then over the small cavern.
"This was apparently home to them," Alania said as she moved into the room, poking her blade through the trash that gathered in the alcoves. She stopped when she heard the sound of metal.
She called out, "got something!" She reached into the debris and pulled out a worn sack, looking heavy with the weight of its contents. She opened it before Luseth could warn her against it.
"Wow. Coppers. Hundreds." She reached in and pulled out a smaller pouch, tossing it to Luseth. He unwrapped the pouch and nodded, rewrapping it and stuffing it into his sack, along with the goblin's morning stars. Alania raised an eyebrow.0
He shrugged. "The armor's a lost cause, but the weapons might be resold. Coin's coin, no matter what form, right?"
She shook her head helplessly. "Looks like the main tunnel continues back a bit." They went down this hallway, leaving the bodies and most of the stench behind. A half-dozen steps down this hall a second tunnel branched off to the left. They ignored this and continued straight, coming into a low-ceiling chamber.
The place was mostly taken up with a table and two beaten-up chairs. A quick look around also brought up a long-spent fire, a small stack of dry timber, a pile of rotting cloth with an orange tint, and a box and small pot on the table. They spread out a bit and checked out things a little more cautiously, with the only thing of interest in the end being the box on the table.
Luseth popped the box open after spending a minute inspecting it. "Looks like something healers use. Might be useful to us, too."
Alania scoffed, "If all we meet are goblins, we won't be needing it." She didn't object when Luseth dropped it in his pack.
"C'mon, there's another tunnel to look down." They doubled back to the left side tunnel and slowly made their way down. This one narrowed quickly, leaving them no choice but to go one after the other, with Luseth in the lead as he ceiling rose above them. When he shined the light to illuminate the top of this narrow passageway, all they could see were spider webs filling the vaulted part of the ceiling.
They came upon a large cavern and just gaped. "I've lived in houses smaller than this," Luseth whispered. The room was an easily fifty feet square with the remains of a large fire in the center of the place. Broken shields and ruined leather armor littered the outside edges where the walls and floor met and a large pool took up part of the far left corner.
"I think there's more than a few goblins making this home, Luseth."
He nodded. "Let's get the hell out of here." They turned and made their way back up the hall and finally to the cave's mouth. Luseth rapidly and with no organization at all packed up and they hustled down the trail with Alania in the lead, not slowing until the caves had far receded into the distance.


Pinging the mods: Can this be moved to the Snippets board?

[MidnightOne]

They picked up their original trail and started to head back out of the Sinari the way they came, planning to make camp off the main track when they heard the battle cry from behind them. Goblins rushed from both sides of the road, catching them in an ambush. If that wasn't trouble enough, one was in front of the path and another behind some thirty yards off, closing off Luseth and Alania's escape along this trail.
The two on the front part of the main trail closed as the other four paired up on them. Luseth caught a glance from one's morningstar, but countered with his dagger and killed it in its next breath. The other, seeing his comrade fall, hesitated just enough for it to miss him.
The two on Alania got in each other's way more than anything else, but she wasn't any more effective in her attacks, slashing out wildly in a half-panic.
The two on the trail charged in from the front and back, only to have the one on the trailing side cut down from an arrow whistling in from off the trail.
"LUSETH! ARCHERS!" screamed Alania.
Weapons clashed. Luseth only had one of the goblins on him; Alania had two - now one as her long sword bit deep into a goblin's leg, dropping him motionless to the ground.
Another arrow came from the underbrush and stapled the second charging goblin to a tree, leaving him screaming in pain as he desperately clawed at the arrow for a few moments before going limp. The scream distracted Alania, who rocked back a step as a morningstar came down on her shield. Luseth stabbed forward and missed badly, giving his remaining goblin an opening. He took a surprisingly strong blow from his opponent and staggered back, bleeding badly from the side of his face as an arrow sailed over his head. Alania maneuvered and traded ineffectual blows with her opponent as she tried to reach Luseth.
Luseth slashed desperately, catching the goblin in front of him with his blade. The two left trails of blood on the ground as they circled each other warily. Another arrow sailed out, killing the goblin keeping Alania from helping Luseth. She charged in, causing the goblin to turn to the new threat; Luseth buried his dagger into the back of this last goblin.
Alania crouched down, looking into the underbrush as she motioned Luseth to get down too; she unshouldered her bow and readied an arrow. "He's still out there," she whispered.
Nothing moved in the woods as they both scanned the trees and brush for any signs of life.
"He never shot at us," murmured Luseth.
The idea never occurred to Alania. After a moment, she whispered back, "either he's a lousy shot and we don't have much to worry about, or he's a good shot and attacked the goblins. Start gathering their weapons and keep low."
She slowly stood up, bow ready but not drawing back the arrow, still looking for the shooter. Luseth scrambled on all fours around the battle site, quickly searching the dead and packing up anything remotely valuable for a quick sale if they got back to town.
"We're just passing through on our way south," Alania announced to the silent underbrush. "We don't mean any harm."
An elf stood up, her bow ready with an arrow drawn back but pointed at the ground. Alania immediately noticed she wasn't armored but was heavily armed with a long sword and axe in addition to her longbow; her clothing and light pack were all loosely-fitted and utilitarian, colored in greens and browns that barely provided an outline against the forest's natural colors. She warily stared at Alania, eyes flickering between her and Luseth as he completed gathering what he could and stood, sliding his dagger back in place.
Luseth cleared his throat and looked over at Alania. "We still need to get on the trail and get camp set up." He looked to the still-silent elf. "Maybe you'd like to join us?" Alania nodded to Luseth and shouldered her bow.
The elf finally spoke: "Mankoi naa lle sinome?"
Luseth looked at Alania, who shrugged.
The elf sighed and tried again, her voice somehow soft and carrying as she spoke in formal clipped tones. "Why are you here?"
"Oh," answered Luseth. "Found a cave up north a few weeks back. Figured we'd check it out."
"I'm Alania Hereford. This is Luseth Silimos."
The Elf nodded. "Lindorie." She stepped toward the trail, releasing the tension on her bowstring, much to Luseth's visible relief. Lindorie looked at the goblins with disgust. "It is late. We need to get moving and away from the Mereth en draugrim."
"We're headed for the village of Napius," offered Luseth. "It's in the barony of Virtonia, and held by Baron Taurit Virt-"
"This way," interrupted Lindorie as she headed off the trail into the woods. Clearly, she expected them to follow her. Alania smirked and shrugged to Luseth, and followed along. Luseth quickly caught up to her.
"We should cut her in," Alania whispered to Luseth as they followed Lindorie off the trails.
He shook his head, disagreeing. "I said we'd go fifty-fifty."
"You said we'd split shares. It'd be just as likely we'd be lying dead on the path rather than the goblins if it weren't for her shooting. She's earned an equal share by my reckoning."
They walked along for an hour before Lindorie spoke again. "Aaye."
"What?" Luseth asked.
"Mae govannen," someone responded. "Manke naa lle autien?"
"Napius."
Alania looked to Luseth, who shrugged.
"Estolada sinome," said a different voice.
Lindorie nodded and motioned Alania and Luseth forward. They saw three male Elves sitting around a small campfire. The scent of roasting rabbit wafted from the spit over the low flames. One of them motioned and said, "Tula, hama neva i’naur."
Lindorie sat and shrugged off her pack. Alania and Luseth followed suit. "They will let us camp with them tonight," Lindorie told them.
"Right kind of them," replied Luseth as he rubbed his sore shoulders. "Friends of yours?"
"I do not know them."
Alania and Luseth started to set up their tents nearby as Lindorie and the Elves spoke quietly and solemnly among themselves in their language.
"Get the feeling we're intruding?" asked Luseth to Alania.
"We kind of are, I guess. It's not our territory, really."
"Sure it is. This is still part of Baron Virtonia's lands last I checked."
Alania looked back at the Elves. "I don't think they see it that way."
One of the Elves spoke to them at last in the same very formal tone Lindorie used. "I understand you killed off the goblins."
"Not precisely," corrected Alania. "We came across two of them in a tunnel complex and another six on the trail. If it wasn't for Lindorie, we'd be dead instead of them."
He nodded and gestured to Luseth. "He's hurt?"
"A little," Luseth admitted. The blow he had taken had turned a furious shade of purple and his left eye was swollen nearly shut. "Nothing a few days rest in town won't take care of."
"Maybe this will help." The Elf held out a small vial. "Smear it over the wound."
Luseth took the vial and nodded. "Thanks."
"We'll take the watches for the night. You two get some sleep."
"That's not necessary," objected Alania, "We can carry our own weight."
"You're not at top strength. He is seriously injured. We're not. Besides, you've done us a favor clearing out the goblins."
"There are small enclaves of them all over the forest," added another, "and a pile of bodies will give them the impression they'd best move on."
Luseth chuckled. "I'm not going to argue with them. They outnumber us."
Alania smirked and shook her head. "Okay, I'm convinced. See you in the morning." She turned to Luseth. "Mind if I borrow the lamp for a bit?"
"Not at all. Sleep well, Alania."
She settled into her tent as daylight faded, and started writing the day's events in her book.