Looking for an anger sink

[pendell]

Sometimes a person really ticks me off. No one here, in case you're wondering.

Of course, the world being what it is, it's very rare that I have the opportunity to punish them for their insolence. In fact, my particular viewpoint on life requires forgiving wrongs and not bearing grudges. It's actually an idea I agree with. Life's too short and too hard to waste it on stupid stuff like that.

HOWEVER, the problem with not immediately dumping the consequences on the offending party is that I carry it around for awhile, and while I'm carrying it I can be quite nasty to other people, especially immediate family, or to things. And it's not their fault. I'm just being unpleasant because I can't take it out on the actual offender.

So I'm looking for an anger sink -- something where I can dump all the anger so that it doesn't get taken out on other people. I don't need to be angry, sarcastic, and snappish to people who've done me no wrong, which means I can't carry the anger around.

Has anyone else dealt with this? Any suggestions?

Respectfully,

Brian P.

[Douglas]

You could go on a random (or not-so-random, depending on personal taste) killing spree in one of the Grand Theft Auto games. At least one of them has a cheat code for getting a free tank (as in the military war vehicle) to facilitate said killing spree.

[Tirian]

To carry your metaphor a step to far, I think an anger umbrella works better than a sink. A sink implies that you're storing this poison when it should be just bouncing off you.

The attitude I have when encountering these sorts of people is "Wow, that jerk is being a jerky jerk. Not only that, they're out to ruin my entire day and the rest of my social network. Pffft, as if." That's a little simplistic sometimes, but it is true that becoming angry is largely a choice that you make and can choose not to make to such a great extent.

[Eldan]

So I'm looking for an anger sink -- something where I can dump all the anger so that it doesn't get taken out on other people. I don't need to be angry, sarcastic, and snappish to people who've done me no wrong, which means I can't carry the anger around.


I'd watch out, though, what you do. Things like boxing, or even engaging in pretend violence like video games when you are angry has been shown to be counter-productive. Like the classic example of hitting a boxing bag: over time, your brain links "being angry" with "hitting something". It might make you more instead of less violent.

You could try a non-violent sport. Running, Hiking, Swimming, something like that. Anything that makes you tired.

[valadil]

Get a gym membership.

[Keld Denar]

Exercise. Or, even better, Sexercise. Endorphines are the anti-anger.

Sprint till you see pretty colors, pump some iron, or just make sweet sweet lovin to your SO. The medical benefits are PROVEN. You can't argue with science.

[Weezer]

Exercise is definitely a good way of releasing anger, I've found a long, brutal but not super fast run is the best way of using exercise in this way. Something quick and intense, such as sprints or anything involving competition/skill, just gets me more worked up. Another thing that works for me is video games, though not mindless shooting games (those are for other times), but games that require lots of focus and strategic or tactical thought (Starcraft, Red Orchestra, or even non-violent games like Dwarf Fortress). It helps me get my mind off of whatever is angering me by requiring every ounce of mental effort I can muster.

EDIT: Also as Keld Denar said sex is awesome for anger relief, though be careful that it doesn't involuntarily become angry sex, going into sex while angry can be bad if your SO isn't cool with roughness.

[Worlok]

> non-violent games like Dwarf Fortress
> Dwarf Fortress
> non-violent

nope.jpg :smalleek:

That said, exercise is good against anger.

[Weezer]

> non-violent games like Dwarf Fortress
> Dwarf Fortress
> non-violent

nope.jpg :smalleek:

I guess it's not personally violent, no running about shooting people in the head. Yes things die in a variety of painful ways but it doesn't feel viscerally violent. If you know what I mean.

[Icewalker]

I'm with Tirian. It's not easy for everybody, but in the long run a general attitude of just not getting the anger in the first place is better than getting and then getting rid of it.

Before, when I used to still sometimes get angry, I would just find some wall that wouldn't be damaged, punch it really hard, and go "Huh. Well. Ow. Okay then. I'ma go do something else." Just empty out all my annoyance through that.

[DeadManSleeping]

I guess my method of listening to overly-happy music won't help you. Oh, well. I am going to continue bouncing to my hyperbeats.

[Worlok]

I guess it's not personally violent, no running about shooting people in the head. Yes things die in a variety of painful ways but it doesn't feel viscerally violent. If you know what I mean.
That's true at that, for Fortress Mode at least. I misunderstood your point and wish to apologise for kind-of-mocking it, good sir.

[Jimorian]

Perhaps a symbolic gesture that's gives you a ritual for releasing the anger. Something simple you can do easily and quickly. Write the person's name (or a description if they are anonymous to you) on a piece of paper, scrunch it up into a tiny little ball and throw it (and your anger) away. The trick is to truly walk away from this with the anger out of your system, so it will take some practice and maybe a bit of light meditation as part of it.

[Knaight]

I have a two part answer, one for dealing with the initial anger inducing mechanism, and the other for offloading anger. As such.

1) The key here is an immediate reactive thought. I favor "I have to live with them for a day, they have to live with themselves for the rest of their life", but there are other options.

2) Make a sling, and send some rocks (or tennis balls until you get good) into the distance. Its physical, there are elements of "Zen", and it is the sort of repetitive motion that is also fun, allowing one to zone out and be emotionless for a while, coming back into an emotional state from a neutral one. Said neutral state won't jump immediately to anger in all probability, but a quiet contentment.

[Keld Denar]

I guess my method of listening to overly-happy music won't help you. Oh, well. I am going to continue bouncing to my hyperbeats.

Cake. I believe that it is psychologically and biochemically impossible to be upset, angry, or otherwise agitated while listening to Cake. Cause then who'll hang the baskets on the wall?

Now, to get funding for my research...

[DeadManSleeping]

Cake. I believe that it is psychologically and biochemically impossible to be upset, angry, or otherwise agitated while listening to Cake. Cause then who'll hang the baskets on the wall?

You misunderstand. I meant enjoyable music.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

Cake. I believe that it is psychologically and biochemically impossible to be upset, angry, or otherwise agitated while listening to Cake. Cause then who'll hang the baskets on the wall?

Now, to get funding for my research...
I get the same results from Queen. :smallsmile:

[bluewind95]

Black and White. The first one. If you want to calm down, doing good deeds in your villages is really nice. And if you're a good god, the pretty landscapes and the calm, beautiful music also do wonders.

... You can also take the other route and go evil god and chase pregnant women around until they give birth and then sacrifice the newborn. And burn villages down. And... yeah.

[Fera Tian]

Give yourself a dead leg.

[pendell]

To carry your metaphor a step to far, I think an anger umbrella works better than a sink. A sink implies that you're storing this poison when it should be just bouncing off you.


Negative; it's an engineering term. Also botany (http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_difference_between_source_and_sink).

A source is input into a system. A sink is an output. In this analogy, something has been unpleasant has been introduced into the system. It's already too late to "bounce off". The trick now is to get it out-system with minimum damage to other structures.



Give yourself a dead leg.

...

???


ETA: And thanks to everyone else for your contributions.

Respectfully,

Brian P.

[Moff Chumley]

Pick up a guitar and start playing/singing Damaged Goods by Gang of Four. As loudly as humanely possible, over and over again until you're too exhausted to continue.

[Tirian]

A source is input into a system. A sink is an output. In this analogy, something has been unpleasant has been introduced into the system. It's already too late to "bounce off". The trick now is to get it out-system with minimum damage to other structures.

Anger is not the heat that is generated by a machine, it is the water that you want to keep out of it in the first place. Eleanor Roosevelt suggests that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, and I think she's got onto something big there. I won't be so naive as to say that I am some sort of Zen master who can totally serene myself out when in constant contact with an irritating person, but with enough humor what settles in can be undone by a breath of fresh air or a piece of chocolate or a YouTube video of kitties playing.

[Knaight]

Anger is not the heat that is generated by a machine, it is the water that you want to keep out of it in the first place. Eleanor Roosevelt suggests that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, and I think she's got onto something big there.

Blaming people for negative emotions incurred due to others inflicting them upon them through hostile action is a questionable philosophy at best. Would you blame someone for bruising when someone else physically hit them? No. Why, then, is the emotional equivalent acceptable?

[Lord Raziere]

all these solutions, are overly complicated.

You need only one thing to calm yourself down. Breathe. whenever you are angry, breathe deeply, in and out. do it slowly and steadily. That is how I got my anger under control, I used to get angry a lot, too much.
All I had to do was breathe.....and eventually I breathed so well, that I do not need it to control my anger anymore.

take it from someone who had anger issues: all you need to do to get rid of anger, is breathe.

[Tirian]

Would you blame someone for bruising when someone else physically hit them? No. Why, then, is the emotional equivalent acceptable?

If it happened in a boxing match, where being physically getting hit is a typical and expected thing to happen, then yes. If someone is being hurt by getting hit too much, then they need to learn to block more than they need to learn how to ignore the pain.

Same thing is happening in the social world. It's full of people, and some of them are irritating. This thread is full of people telling you how to take those punches, I'm saying that you're better off dodging or putting on some padding. Ultimately everyone does a balance of both, but I've come to find that it's best to drink as little of the poison as possible to have the most healthy life.

[Icewalker]

Blaming people for negative emotions incurred due to others inflicting them upon them through hostile action is a questionable philosophy at best. Would you blame someone for bruising when someone else physically hit them? No. Why, then, is the emotional equivalent acceptable?

While I do think your general point carries merit, I think your analogy is flawed. Because people cannot influence how bruised they get by being punched, but the mindset can influence how emotionally influenced you are by others or by your surroundings: it's not entirely inherent. My reactions to harmful circumstances (like irritating or belittling situations) has changed over time, because of the way I have chosen to think about myself. And having developed such a mindset over the course of a few years, the most angry I ever get is a very mild momentary irritation: I'm usually just happy all the time instead.

However, I've also come to understand over the years that most people can't really do this. At least not easily. My change to this was actually quite quick, an internal philosophical decision about life. The point is, such shifts, be they extreme and quick, or slight and subtle, are possible.

[pendell]

all these solutions, are overly complicated.

You need only one thing to calm yourself down. Breathe. whenever you are angry, breathe deeply, in and out. do it slowly and steadily. That is how I got my anger under control, I used to get angry a lot, too much.
All I had to do was breathe.....and eventually I breathed so well, that I do not need it to control my anger anymore.

take it from someone who had anger issues: all you need to do to get rid of anger, is breathe.


Raziere, of all the responses in this thread, I think you have given the best, elegant in simplicity. Have a cookie.


Anger is not the heat that is generated by a machine, it is the water that you want to keep out of it in the first place. Eleanor Roosevelt suggests that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, and I think she's got onto something big there. I won't be so naive as to say that I am some sort of Zen master who can totally serene myself out when in constant contact with an irritating person, but with enough humor what settles in can be undone by a breath of fresh air or a piece of chocolate or a YouTube video of kitties playing.

Tirian, while this may work for you it does not work for me.

"Anger" for me is a physical reflex that kicks in before the brain has a chance to intervene. This manifests in elevated heartbeat, dilated pupils, adrenaline, etc.

In such a circumstance, "not getting angry" is impossible. If I attempted your philosophy, I could only suppress anger by pretending it isn't there when it is.

I believe that is the worse choice of all (http://www.redirectingselftherapy.com/anger.html).



All children are born with healthy anger, which is part of the fight or flight reaction. When parents mistreat or neglect us, even unintentionally, they often cause us to suppress our anger. No parent needs to be perfect, but we must be allowed to have justifiable anger. The suppression of anger is more damaging than the trauma itself. It causes a toxicosis that leads to anxiety and depression. Even the lullaby, "Hush little baby don't you cry," serves the parent, not the child. Our parents no doubt had to suppress their anger as children, and this self-therapy is for them as well. As adults we unconsciously form codependent relationships, which are re-enactments of childhood relationships, to set a stage for releasing repressed anger and grief. Many of us have sought partners, bosses, and friends who remind us of our parents and have been unhappy in these relationships.

...

There is a flood of anger in our brains. When you learn this simple biology, the self-help measures will come naturally. When anger is continually suppressed, toxic amounts of neurochemicals that store repressed anger accumulate in the brain, clogging up neural pathways where memories of our parents are stored. We may not remember the childhood trauma. Our brains periodically try to release the excess neurochemicals during detoxification crises, which are excitatory nervous symptoms. Nerve impulses are often diverted through the wrong neural pathways. As a result, anger may be misdirected toward someone who is innocent or partially innocent, or directed inward as guilt or self-destructive thought. Or the diverting of nerve impulses may cause a variety of other symptoms, from anxiety, to mania, to delusions, even to psychotic behavior. Depression usually follows a detoxification crisis. But these detoxification crises, which cause excitatory nervous symptoms, are healing events--the opening of floodgates to release repressed anger. If we mentally redirect anger toward our parents and other past abusers during the excitatory nervous symptoms, more floodgates can open, and this speeds recovery. Our addiction to people (codependency) and overlying additions to stimulants, chemical or psychological, will only slowly subside because, as in homeopathy, these stimulants trigger the necessary detoxification crises.


Now, I'm not sure that particular website is scientifically reputable, but it's sufficiently close to what I read in my psych textbook that I'll link it. I've got to get to work and haven't got time to give proper citation or the research the subject deserves, so I'll leave it as an exercise for the reader :).

Anger, in other words, is a physical action and it is dangerous to deny it or pretend it doesn't exist. If you can simply choose not to get angry, I salute you. But that isn't me.

Besides which, anger has it's uses -- I believe it is closely related to the natural fight-or-flight. While 99 times out of 100 in society there's not much direct use for it, that 100th time may save my life.

So I wouldn't choose to dump that edge even if I could.


Also, anger can be used constructively -- that's why there was text called Make Anger Your Ally (http://www.amazon.com/Make-Anger-Your-Living-Books/dp/1561797073/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1316435031&sr=8-1). In my case the most frequent constructive use is a short term burst to get some work done that is frustrating me.


So ... all things considered, I would rather choose to have anger but also have the choice what I do with it . Like any other biological phenomenon, it's in my biology for a reason. I can let it ruin my life, or I can spend tons of energy and effort trying to fight my biology and make myself into something I'm not, or I can accept what I am and try to make productive use out of it.

I choose the third.

And there are times when the most productive use is simply to dump it. That's what this thread is about.


I want to emphasize when I write this that I am not criticizing you or your choices or strategy for dealing with anger. I'm simply explaining why it doesn't work for me. It's possible that we have different genetics and so you can do things I can't -- possibly a volcanic short temper is biology rather than environment, although I haven't seen any studies one way or the other. But regardless, I am going to manage my anger rather than suppress it. If you find a way that works better for you, I have absolutely no problem with you using it :).

Respectfully,

Brian P.

[Arminius]

I do archery. It is a good workout, I can pretend people I dislike are on the targets, and at least where I am, there is a club filled with pretty cool people to hang out with.

[Keld Denar]

Eh, I still like my first idea...

[stopwatch]

When I'm angry, (or bored) I try to go for a walk. Just go around the block a couple times if you want. Another suggestion I have is tell someone about what's making you mad. You get the anger about verbaly, but it isn't directed at the person you're talking to.

Also, although I understand it can be difficult, I have to kind of go with Tirian. Use an umbralla instead when possible

[drakir_nosslin]

Whenever I get mad because someone provoked me I just start laughing instead, sometimes out loud, sometimes on the inside. It works as a release for me, getting all those emotions out.