Need some funny ideas (Weenie/hrenovka stay out!)

[Adamaro]

In my campaign, PCs will also find some interesting books. If a player will be willing to invest 6 or 8 hours into reading the book, he will get a small "summary" of what this book is about. I want to make these books funny, but also make them such, that PCs will learn something from them. Here is what I got:

"This book is about four adventurers who were defeated and caught by ogres. Large part of it covers their sad end after they became ogres' sex toys."
(lesson: if you are being defeated, run away. Being caught may end worse then death)

"This book is about rather long (and rather boring) discussion between two arcane grand masters regarding etics of using "disjunction" spell."

"This book describes the adventures of Trippy The Tripper, a half-orc adventurer who tripped everything between mobs of goblins and 20-headed hydras."

In short, i would like to describe some d&d-tropes, etc ...

I got an idea from Baldurs Gate games where book plot is summarized in a few sentences.

[TroubleBrewing]

"This book describes the life of a prince who, after discovering his father's murder at the hands of his uncle, embarks on an epic quest for revenge that ultimately ends in the tragic death of the entire royal line."

"This book is just like the previous one, but with lions and a happy ending wherein the traitorous uncle is eaten by hyenas."

"This book chronicles the life and times of Regdar the Fighter, designated pack mule for his friends Mialee, Jozan, and Hennet."

"This book details the personal journal of Ember, an almost comically depressed warrior of hilariously awful prowess and her downward spiral of depression, self-loathing, and eventual near-death at the hands of a swarm of birds."

"This book seems to be written in a poorly-translated form of Gnome, which, upon further instruction, is a handbook for the summoning and proper worship of beings outside of time and known space, which, with the proper application could IA! IA! THE BLACK GOAT OF THE WOODS WITH A THOUSAND YOUNG! Roll up new characters, as your previous ones curl into the fetal position to await their destruction at the hands of their new masters."

[Serpentine]

A book is a running joke in my games. Seems to turn up everywhere.
It's called Bilbo's Biggun, and is a colourful (often illustrated) account of the scandalous adventures of an amorous halfling of mixed luck.

[noparlpf]

"This book describes the life of a prince who, after discovering his father's murder at the hands of his uncle, embarks on an epic quest for revenge that ultimately ends in the tragic death of the entire royal line."

"This book is just like the previous one, but with lions and a happy ending wherein the traitorous uncle is eaten by hyenas."

"This book chronicles the life and times of Regdar the Fighter, designated pack mule for his friends Mialee, Jozan, and Hennet."

"This book details the personal journal of Ember, an almost comically depressed warrior of hilariously awful prowess and her downward spiral of depression, self-loathing, and eventual near-death at the hands of a swarm of birds."

"This book seems to be written in a poorly-translated form of Gnome, which, upon further instruction, is a handbook for the summoning and proper worship of beings outside of time and known space, which, with the proper application could IA! IA! THE BLACK GOAT OF THE WOODS WITH A THOUSAND YOUNG! Roll up new characters, as your previous ones curl into the fetal position to await their destruction at the hands of their new masters."

Hamlet, The Lion King, and some satires about the unbalanced nature of 3.5?

[TroubleBrewing]

Except for the last one. That's the Necronomicon. :smalltongue:

[noparlpf]

I figured. It's in a dialect of Gnomish?

[TroubleBrewing]

I read somewhere that the Gnomish language is meant to be a parody of Arabic. I'll see if I can find the link.

[GoatBoy]

A book which describes the entire life of a person very much like the reader, up until the moment he finds and reads a book about himself, at which point he is attacked by a squad of miniature fish-wielding versions of himself.

The complete text of Hamlet, except everyone dies of food poisoning in the second act.

A book containing text which, upon being closed, completely vanishes from the reader's mind. No mortal magic can recover the information, except if the reader makes a DC 50 Will save, in which case they recall that the book might have had something to do with hats.

An extremely dull story about an extremely ordinary subject, which culminates in a punchline in the very last sentence, which ties the whole story together as the funniest thing ever written. DC 20 Fortitude save to avoid death from laughter.

A book which, when read, gives the reader maximum ranks in the most obscure and/or useless Craft, Knowledge, or Profession skill imaginable.

The complete text of Hamlet, except Horatio is named 'Elvis.'

[BlueInc]

"You find an epic tale of the ascension of an air elemental prince."


Now this is a story all about how
My life got flipped turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air

In West Philadelphia born and raised
On the playground is where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
And all shootin' some b-ball outside of the school
When a couple of guys who were up to no good
Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
And said you're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air

I begged and pleaded with her day after day
But she packed my suitcase and sent me on my way
She gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket
I put my walkman on and said I might as well kick it
First class yo this is bad
Drinkin' orange juice out of a champagne glass
Is this what the people of Bel-Air live like
Hmmm this might be all right

But wait I hear they're prissy, bourgeois and all that
Is this the type of place that they should send this cool cat
I don't think so I'll see when I get there
I hope they're prepared for the prince of Bel-Air

Well uh the plane landed and when I came out
There was a dude looked like a cop standin' there with my name out
I ain't tryin' to get arrested yet I just got here
I sprang with the quickness like lightning disappeared

I whistled for a cab and when it came near
The license plate said "Fresh", and had dice in the mirror
If anything I could say that this cab was rare
But I thought nah forget it, yo home to Bel-Air!

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the cabbie, "Yo Holmes, smell ya later!"
Looked at my kingdom I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air

[Chilingsworth]

Well, I remember one idea Gary Gygax (r.i.p.) mentioned in a lecture he gave at GenCon:

The Pop-up Kama Sutra of the Orcs.

[noparlpf]

A book which, when read, gives the reader maximum ranks in the most obscure and/or useless Craft, Knowledge, or Profession skill imaginable.

Craft (underwater basket-weaving), anybody?

I like how most of these are Hamlet references.


"You find an epic tale of the ascension of an air elemental prince."

Also a fabulous idea.

[grarrrg]

"This book is about four adventurers who were defeated and caught by ogres. Large part of it covers their sad end after they became ogres' sex toys."
(lesson: if you are being defeated, run away. Being caught may end worse then death)


You NEED to mention "snoo-snoo" at some point.


"Dangerous Animals That Do Not Make Good Pets"
Chapter 1:
Housecat: The name is misleading, one should NEVER let one into their house unless they are a trained professional....

[GoatBoy]

"1001 Things To Do With A Spiked Chain"

"Dead Man Walking: Lichdom For Fun And Profit"

"Chicken Soup For The Favoured Soul"

"Get Tax Breaks By Levelling As A Commoner"

"Waterdeep On Three Coppers A Day"

"Circumstance Bonuses They Don't Want You To Know About"

"Melf's Acid Trip"

"On The Caring And Feeding Of Owlbears"

"The Complete Illustrated Apparatus Of Kwalish"

Last, and definitely least...

"+1 Book"

[BlueInc]

"Masterwork Swimming Item"

"Wake Up! He's a Doppelganger! (http://www.theonion.com/video/hot-new-relationship-book-warns-women-wake-up-hes,17053/)"

"Golden Warlock and the 1d3 Dire Bears"

[Keegan__D]

Not a D&D trope, but funny still.

Title pending
"This story of a young farmer chronicles his adventures into knighthood, his struggle with evil, and bringing balance to a corrupt world."

The long version
A Hero Arises
"This is the story of a young farmer from a distant land who is charged by a hermit to bring balance to life. On their journey, they gather the alliance of two constructs, a dashing captain, and his animal companion. The party rescues a princess from the dark, empirical lords, losing the hermit in the struggle to escape. The party manages to cripple the enemy's base before acquiring safety at their own."

Return of Darkness
"Seeking to finish his quest, the young farm boy seeks a new teacher, far from his companions in a marshy land. Meanwhile, the rest of the party is being betrayed to the dark lords. The hero travels to their location, sensing trouble. Arriving moments too late, he encounters the dark lord in black that took the hermit's life. After a long battle which truly tests the hero's skill, it is revealed that the man in black is actually our hero's father. A life-risking escape pays off and he is rescued by his few free allies."

Title pending
"Through infiltration and months of planning, capture, and escape once again, the party rescues the dashing captain and returns to the base of the dark lord with a fleet of daring warriors. Our hero manages to infiltrate the base, making his way to the throne room where his father awaits with his own master. The pair attempt to bring the hero to their side and fail as the fleet of warriors begins destroying the base. Again, the lucky farmer narrowly escapes, but at the cost of his now-turned father's life."

The Fable games might have some funny summaries of books.