I'd like some feedback

[madtinker]

I ran a PbP game on these boards a while ago. I know some of the things I did wrong, but I would appreciate constructive criticism.

The thread is here. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=133125)

If you see something I could have done differently, or something you liked, please comment, and include just how you think it could have been better. I want to get better at this after all.

[Savannah]

Um....I'd like to help you out, but I'm not going to be reading 16 pages of a game, sorry. Anything in specific you wanted to ask about or particular areas you need advice on?

[madtinker]

I realized after I posted that I am asking for quite a lot of time. If you don't have that time, I completely understand. Maybe the most important things would be:

1) Is the story compelling?

2) Do I use engaging imagery and descriptions, or are they repetitive and predictable?

[Show]

Well, seeing as I have an absurd amount of time on my hands, I might take a look at it. It'll hardly be professional quality advice, but I can hopefully edit something into my post within a few hours. :smallwink:

Edit:
I'm quite impressed. Your dialogue seems to flow fairly well, and the setting and player participation seemed fantastic. On a scan-through, I didn't particularly notice particularly specific or prose-y detail, but you certainly got enough that the setting seemed real and interesting. I occasionally wondered what the tone was for an occasion... for example, the river: was it a bright and sunny day? Was the water blue or grey? Were the lands fertile and prosperous? I probably missed some details, but I would still say that a bit of setting the tone could have made what I thought was very good description into a great one.
I would point out how your players responded when you did go into detail... they treated the occasion as particularly special, devoting a few posts to the beauty of the morning. If you want them to be more focused on the world around them as opposed to the plot and key items, this seems to be the way to do it. Otherwise, your more focused description seemed to work out just fine.

As a whole, the story seemed a tiny bit compelled at first, and the arcanist seemed to be a somewhat obvious plot device. However, it all really came together quite well.

One thing that confused me was the maps... one seemed to be made on MS paint, one from a geological survey, and the tactical maps were simple grids. Perhaps some standardization would help?

Honestly, over all I'm pretty jealous of your (and your players) game. It felt very real; the players had real opinions on in-game social factors such as racism, the arcane, etc (something I have yet to capture with my characters); and the setting as a whole just meshed. The combat was lethal, and the skill challenges tended to be high-stakes. At the same time, the players jumped into adversity with a kind of ferocious insanity which really spurred the game in some interesting directions.

Mostly admiration and praise, but I hope you can find out what things (in my opinion) you can improve and focus on in the future!

[madtinker]

Thanks! I'm trying to plan another campaign, probably not to take place for a few months, but this helps a lot!