Relationship/marriage lesson learned

[pendell]

Today I learned a valuable lesson: When your smiling wife encourages you beamingly to work from home today, dear, RUN do not walk to the office. It means she has heavy lifting for you to do around the house. In this case, moving her portable jungle around on the apartment balcony.


So I and my creaking back have learned a lesson we won't forget anytime soon. Anyone else have any lessons they've learned? Aside from: The wider your wife smiles, the more pensive you should be?

Respectfully,

Brian P.

[Trellan]

Not wife, but girlfriend, and it really annoys me. If I'm just sitting around at home, yeah, by all means I'll help out. But if I've specifically said I'm working, then that means I'm busy. Don't say "Oh, I understand" and then stop me from getting any work done all day. I suppose it's not that big of a deal, but it really just screams "I think my time is more important than yours, so I can interrupt whatever you're doing for anything I want." Just my two cents.

[Keld Denar]

Aside from: The wider your wife smiles, the more expensive you it should will be!

FTFY! j/k

Honestly, the best advice I have for anyone that I've learned in my current relationship: Have sex as frequently as possible. Every day if you can. Its dang impossible to harbor ill will about someone when you are smiting evil (or was it bumping uglies?) regularly.

I've been with my current GF for almost a year now, and we have YET to have a single fight. If something goes wrong, we talk about it, tell each other how much we love each other, and then knock boots like its our last day on earth.

Its not the miracle cure or anything, and won't fix any serious flaws in your relationship, but it seriously does help keep you close. I challenge you and your spouse. Keep a calendar. Every day you get it on, mark the day. See how many days in a row you can mark off before you miss a day. Then try to beat your old record. Make an effort to get busy every day, and you'll find not only do you really love the person you are with, but that life itself is pretty dang good.

I always laugh. I tell me GF that I could never cheat on her. I simply don't have the stamina to keep her satisfied AND another girl. I'm simply not that strong/fit.

[Winter_Wolf]

As a married man, I've found the saying "happy wife, happy life" to be very true. This was passed to me from my married friend who heard it from his father-in-law on his wedding day.

It does not go both ways, though.

[Warlawk]

...
Anyone else have any lessons they've learned?


As a married man, I've found the saying "happy wife, happy life" to be very true. ...
It does not go both ways, though.

One thing I've learned is that having a wife who doesn't play games and values your happiness as much as her own is worth her weight in gold.


Honestly, the best advice I have for anyone that I've learned in my current relationship: Have sex as frequently as possible...

I would clarify it's important to Make Love as often as possible instead of having sex. I believe that's what you meant, but it can be an important difference. That clarification made, I completely agree that it's important and will help keep you close and connected. Married 15 years with 5 kids and while some times work and kids keep us from a day there are others when we manage 2 or even 3 in a day. I can't say I've averaged it out, but it's probably 7+ times a week.

The one piece of advice I can give people about relationships is a rough one, and it's a big hurdle. No woman who plays games is worth the time. By that I mean a lot of things, making you miserable because she didn't get her way, not telling you what's wrong when you mess up ("if you have to ask, I'm not telling you!"), anything like that. My number one pet peeve would probably be withholding physical intimacy. Any woman (or man for that matter) who withholds sexual contact from their partner is never going to have a healthy relationship. I'm not going to try to list everything that could be considered 'playing games', but most people will know what I mean. If s/he is like that, make it very clear that behavior has to stop and if it doesn't, then move on. It's going to be something you have to deal with for the rest of your life together and it will constantly cause you grief. It simply is not acceptable adult behavior, and the fact that our society tolerates it drives me crazy.

***important note*** I'm talking about long term committed relationships here. Some fling that's going to last a few months just for some fun, not a big deal. Personally I still wouldn't likely put up with that kinda crap even for that kind of a thing, but to each their own.

[Traab]

Ive seen several variations of this. Please forgive me for sexist humor.

1) Wives are always right, wives are never wrong
2) If you think your wife is wrong then it is a mistake on your part so apologize, even if your wife changes what she said a moment earlier
3) If you tell your wife something and she does not agree with it you must change your mind to that of your wife's.
4) Wives can be mad at you for anything they want and you are to remain calm unless they want you to be angry or upset and you need to read thier mind to know which one they want without them telling you to read their mind
5) You must also do what your wife wants, not what she says, see above rule about mind reading

[Mono Vertigo]

Ive seen several variations of this. Please forgive me for sexist humor.

1) Wives are always right, wives are never wrong
2) If you think your wife is wrong then it is a mistake on your part so apologize, even if your wife changes what she said a moment earlier
3) If you tell your wife something and she does not agree with it you must change your mind to that of your wife's.
4) Wives can be mad at you for anything they want and you are to remain calm unless they want you to be angry or upset and you need to read thier mind to know which one they want without them telling you to read their mind
5) You must also do what your wife wants, not what she says, see above rule about mind reading
... why are you describing my mother so accurately? :smalleek:

[Dr.Epic]

Today I learned a valuable lesson: When your smiling wife encourages you beamingly to work from home today, dear, RUN do not walk to the office. It means she has heavy lifting for you to do around the house. In this case, moving her portable jungle around on the apartment balcony.

What!? As the Great Kamina would say, displaying manly physical strength is what elevates the manly spirit. Though, if you had Yoko as a love interest, you'd fight a gunman barehanded to impress her.:smallwink:

Anyway, everything I learned about marriage and the lady-types I learned from watching episodes of Adventure Time.:smallwink:

[Traab]

... why are you describing my mother so accurately? :smalleek:

Ah... sorry about that, I guess its time we sat down as a family and had a little talk musume.

[Hazyshade]

Ive seen several variations of this. Please forgive me for sexist humor.

1) Wives are always right, wives are never wrong
2) If you think your wife is wrong then it is a mistake on your part so apologize, even if your wife changes what she said a moment earlier
3) If you tell your wife something and she does not agree with it you must change your mind to that of your wife's.
4) Wives can be mad at you for anything they want and you are to remain calm unless they want you to be angry or upset and you need to read thier mind to know which one they want without them telling you to read their mind
5) You must also do what your wife wants, not what she says, see above rule about mind reading

Hey kids, if you've tried to communicate with your wife and it hasn't gone the way you wanted, give up in despair, belittle her feelings and call it humour!

[Dr.Epic]

Hey kids, if you've tried to communicate with your wife and it hasn't gone the way you wanted, give up in despair, belittle her feelings and call it humour!

Or just do what the Ice King does.:smallwink:

[Traab]

Hey kids, if you've tried to communicate with your wife and it hasn't gone the way you wanted, give up in despair, belittle her feelings and call it humour!

If thats what you are into, I guess.

[DeadManSleeping]

Ive seen several variations of this. Please forgive me for sexist humor.

1) Wives are always right, wives are never wrong
2) If you think your wife is wrong then it is a mistake on your part so apologize, even if your wife changes what she said a moment earlier
3) If you tell your wife something and she does not agree with it you must change your mind to that of your wife's.
4) Wives can be mad at you for anything they want and you are to remain calm unless they want you to be angry or upset and you need to read thier mind to know which one they want without them telling you to read their mind
5) You must also do what your wife wants, not what she says, see above rule about mind reading

"I can't stand women. My wife always expects me to read her mind about what's got her upset! It's unbearable."
"Have you talked to her about how you feel?"
"I'm sort of hoping she'll just pick up on it, if she really cares."

[Traab]

On a somewhat more serious note, does anyone else nearly get driven into a psychotic episode when they hear this from their obviously distraught wife? "You know what you did!" AAAAAAGH! "NO! If I knew what I did I wouldnt be asking why you were so upset!"

On a less than serious note, ill continue it like this.

"I mean, at any given time there are at least three things ive done that could make you act like this, and id like to know which one im supposed to apologize for!"

[Kittenwolf]

Ive seen several variations of this. Please forgive me for sexist humor.

1) Wives are always right, wives are never wrong
2) If you think your wife is wrong then it is a mistake on your part so apologize, even if your wife changes what she said a moment earlier
3) If you tell your wife something and she does not agree with it you must change your mind to that of your wife's.
4) Wives can be mad at you for anything they want and you are to remain calm unless they want you to be angry or upset and you need to read thier mind to know which one they want without them telling you to read their mind
5) You must also do what your wife wants, not what she says, see above rule about mind reading

What was that Billy Joel line? "She never gives out, she never gives in, she just changes her mind" :)

[Kuma Da]

On a somewhat more serious note, does anyone else nearly get driven into a psychotic episode when they hear this from their obviously distraught wife? "You know what you did!" AAAAAAGH! "NO! If I knew what I did I wouldnt be asking why you were so upset!"

On a less than serious note, ill continue it like this.

"I mean, at any given time there are at least three things ive done that could make you act like this, and id like to know which one im supposed to apologize for!"

Important secret intel: do not let her know that there are three things you've done that could make her act like that.

[Traab]

Important secret intel: do not let her know that there are three things you've done that could make her act like that.

Demmit, I KNEW I was doing something wrong!

[bluewind95]

"The day has been long and I'm afraid some details may have slipped my mind. Please, remind me so that I may apologize fully and properly." ? Maybe?

[Vacant]

Haha, DeadManSleeping's comment is awesome. I'm really not qualified to give any lessons, but I wanted to give him credit where it was due.

[Hazyshade]

If you come to every interaction with your partner expecting a battle, then a battle it shall be. So don't.

And we reveal more of our true motivations by what we find amusing than by what we claim to believe in earnest.

[Mono Vertigo]

My boyfriend and I communicate properly, don't assume things blindly, and don't get angry over small problems or misunderstandings. Therefore, amazingly, I don't know what issues you are talking about. :smallbiggrin:
However, my mother fits most of these stereotypes and tends to refuse conversation. It's a little creepy. And very annoying.

[DeadManSleeping]

If you take a large sample of people, and you look at all of the people who are below average in ability to communicate in a relationship, statistically, about half of them will be female, but over 90% will think it's their partner's fault.

In any case, there's a reason marriage/relationship counselors tell couples to completely air out grievances: one of the major problems is that the other person hasn't been made fully aware of all the problems in the relationship. That's just life. Whether it be pride, mind-games, stoicism, or something else, you can fix a lot just by choosing to take the time to address things.

One of my co-workers makes jokes about married life. I don't say anything because I don't like to be a downer, but if I were to say anything, it'd be along the lines of "well, maybe YOUR marriage is like that." Being married to someone does not make them harder to get along with; getting along poorly with someone in an intimate relationship is a reason to not marry them.

[pendell]

Re-reading this thread, I have two observations:

1) I note that many of these revolve around communication issues. It seems to me that there are a lot of people, male and female, who simply don't know how to communicate as if they were adults.They don't know either how to express their own needs or to find out another person's needs. This results in game playing, "You know what you did wrong", attention games, acting out, etc.

Has anyone been able to solve this? In my case , I learned those lessons the hard way through psychologists, and I passed those lessons on to my wife when we got married. It's been a long hard road, but it's nice when everyone stops playing games, can say what they want, and can trust the other person to listen and not do something stupid.

2) This advice ..



Honestly, the best advice I have for anyone that I've learned in my current relationship: Have sex as frequently as possible. Every day if you can. Its dang impossible to harbor ill will about someone when you are smiting evil (or was it bumping uglies?) regularly.


Um, since I've seen this, I will say that it doesn't work at all well if one or both parties has suffered, um, abuse prior to the relationship. Some people view this kind of approach as if you're using them ... much like previous people used them for their own pleasure.

Fundamentally, the solution you advocate works for that subset of couples which are comfortable with each other and view sex as a mutual joy, but it doesn't work at all for people who have had sex mis-used as a tool for humiliation, pain, domination and control.

Respectfully,

Brian P.

[THAC0]

Re-reading this thread, I have two observations:

1) I note that many of these revolve around communication issues. It seems to me that there are a lot of people, male and female, who simply don't know how to communicate as if they were adults.They don't know either how to express their own needs or to find out another person's needs. This results in game playing, "You know what you did wrong", attention games, acting out, etc.

Has anyone been able to solve this? In my case , I learned those lessons the hard way through psychologists, and I passed those lessons on to my wife when we got married. It's been a long hard road, but it's nice when everyone stops playing games, can say what they want, and can trust the other person to listen and not do something stupid.



I struggled with communication initially. We found it worked best at first to set aside specific times for communication. Either partner could call for one of these, and we would sit down in a comfortable place with no distractions (tv, phones, internet, other people) and talk.

Once I got more comfortable with communicating, we rarely had to resort to that.

We also went to see a counselor because some things changed and it turned out that due to jobs my husband would generally be gone more than half the time (military deployments). So we decided to preemptively get help to make sure we could keep our lines of communication open to prevent problems from developing and the counselor taught us a few useful techniques.

TL;DR, you can solve this if both parties are grown up enough to want to.

[Keld Denar]

Fundamentally, the solution you advocate works for that subset of couples which are comfortable with each other and view sex as a mutual joy, but it doesn't work at all for people who have had sex mis-used as a tool for humiliation, pain, domination and control.

Then the party feeling victimized needs to resolve that issue if they want to have a reasonably healthy relationship. If you get into a relationship and you don't want to engage in mutually pleasurable sex with your SO because your previous ex abused you in a way that caused sex to be traumatic, then your SO is probably gonna leave you. If you look at the top 3 reasons for divorce, 1 is money, 2 is kids, 3 is SEX. If you and your partner aren't knocking boots at a rate that is acceptable for either of you, there is going to be some unhappiness. Whether or not thats enough unhappiness to cause a breakup is up to the individual. The exact amount varies, of course, but for most people, more is better.

My current GF is a rape victim since the age of 18. Her ex husband used to force her to keep most of her clothes on during sex because he called her ugly. He made her feel like if it wasn't for him, she'd be nothing and have nothing, and she was lucky that he with her because noone else would want to. Oh, and he cheated on her tons, including with her "best" friend. Lots of trauma there. She got over it. We have awesome, amazing, intimate, and mutually loving sex. She wants it just as much as I do, because we both care about each other and love expressing that love, and quite frankly, its fun as hell. It reinforces daily that I think she is the most beautiful creature on this earth, and I would do anything to make her happy, even if I'm tired, or its been a long day, or her kids were causing her stress, or any host of potential excuses. We make an effort to do it because we feel its important, and generally as soon as we start, whatever excuses we were feeling immediately get forgotten anyway. Just like we make an effort to communicate clearly, and make an effort to forgive each other's faults and work through our difficulties, we make an effort to make love every day to reinforce that love and commitment.

Now, I know that abuse isn't something you can just say "get over it" and it goes away. I know it takes time, and usually counceling and support, but you CAN get over it, and you HAVE to get over it. If you aren't over it, you probably SHOULDN'T be in a relationship, much less a marriage. Its not your partner's fault what happened to you, you shouldn't withhold anything from them because of it. Doing otherwise is to insinuate that your partner is no better than your ex, and if that is the case, you need to step back and take a look at yourself and question whether you should be in the relationship.

[Karoht]

My lady and I tend not to need to communicate, we just work together like that. In a crisis, I know what she's doing, she knows what I'm doing, we just snap to it, we find our tempo, and we get stuff done.

It's when we need to communicate and don't, that's when we have issues.

Then there are the moments when one of us are saying something in plain english, the other is just not grasping the meaning and therefore not keeping up.
I call it the 'piss shirt bend bars' problem, it's become a term me and my lady now use. I'll explain.

In the movie Shanghai Noon, Jackie Chan plays an immigrant from China in the wild west, with a slight Chinese accent and not the best grasp on the english language.
Well, they end up in jail, and Chan is trying to tell Owen Wilson that his silk shirt won't break if it's wet, and that they can use this to escape. Wilson doesn't really pay much attention.
So Chan gets the shirt wet (point of comedy), and using a busted chair leg, manages to bend the bars of the jail cell. Wilson wakes up realizing that Chan is nearly free.
Chan: "I told you, I can get us out of here"
Wilson: "No, you said wet shirt not break, not piss shirt bend bars!"
After which Wilson tries to help. And yet more hilarity ensues.

Once we learned to recognize such moments and point them out to one another, our communication improved greatly.