A man having a "best maid" instead of a "best man"? Anyone seen it before? [Archive]

Pika...

2011-12-14, 11:25 AM

ForzaFiori

2011-12-14, 11:30 AM

there was a movie about a male maid of honor. It was a massive chick flick, and I'm pretty sure the bride wound up with him, but it does show that the possibility is out there.

Also, who you choose to stand with you at the alter is entirely your choice. Your (future) wife gets to choose her bridesmaids and maid of honor, and you get to choose your groomsmen and best man, and any of them can be whoever you want. The only thing to remember is that while yes, you can technically do it, you may get some strange looks. I would also suggest at least talking it over with all the other major parties involved (the wife, her family, and your own family), at least so that they aren't shocked to see it, or holding grudges.

Serpentine

2011-12-14, 11:46 AM

Pretty sure there's a (terrible) movie about exactly that. Yes, it's been done. No, you won't be burned at the stake for being a dirty heathen for doing it. If your bride doesn't like it, well, I find that pretty strange and outdated.

Pika...

2011-12-14, 11:50 AM

TaRix

2011-12-14, 11:53 AM

Pika...

2011-12-14, 11:55 AM

I forget where I heard this, but the idea of the best man is kinda like a duellist's second-- if the groom skipped out of the wedding, the best man took his place. Of course, this is a pretty outdated tradition, but it puts an interesting spin on the idea, right?

Lol.

That would put a twist on any guy's day. Went from single to settled down in 2.4 seconds. :smallbiggrin:

Seerow

2011-12-14, 11:59 AM

Lol.

That would put a twist on any guy's day. Went from single to settled down in 2.4 seconds. :smallbiggrin:

Even funnier with the best Maid. "Wait are we legally able to do that?" "Oh well do it anyway" "But I don't like women that way!" "Deal with it"

Pika...

2011-12-14, 12:05 PM

Even funnier with the best Maid. "Wait are we legally able to do that?" "Oh well do it anyway" "But I don't like women that way!" "Deal with it"

LoL.

Well, my bestie is bi, so...

Tirian

2011-12-14, 12:16 PM

Hmm...I wonder how a "best maid" would dress. Can't imagine her in a tuxedo, so maybe a black dress?

It's a choice that every wedding party will decide for themselves. There is certainly no obligation that she would have to dress like a man. She could wear a black dress or a bridesmaids dress or a business suit that harmonizes with the bridesmaids or just any elegant outfit you all agree on.

When my brother got married, his (only) attendant was a woman, and it was wholly unremarkable. The one thing I would note is that I was shepherding him throughout the day to make sure that he got dressed properly and got all of his errands done, and at least some of those tasks arguably couldn't be done by an unrelated woman without impropriety.

Seerow

2011-12-14, 12:21 PM

It's a choice that every wedding party will decide for themselves. There is certainly no obligation that she would have to dress like a man. She could wear a black dress or a bridesmaids dress or a business suit that harmonizes with the bridesmaids or just any elegant outfit you all agree on.

When my brother got married, his (only) attendant was a woman, and it was wholly unremarkable. The one thing I would note is that I was shepherding him throughout the day to make sure that he got dressed properly and got all of his errands done, and at least some of those tasks arguably couldn't be done by an unrelated woman without impropriety.

FWIW I'm pretty sure he mentioned possibly having a child by his potential Best Maid, so I'm doubting impropriety is something he is particularly worried about, unless I grossly misunderstood the first post.

Telonius

2011-12-14, 12:26 PM

First thought: gender doesn't matter in the slightest. It's a tradition that's a holdover from hundreds of years ago, and can be ignored (or not) for any reason or none.

Other thoughts: Planning a wedding together really is a great opportunity to work with your future spouse on a major (and usually, majorly expensive) project. There are so many varying cultural rules, family expectations, budgetary constraints, and assorted other nonsense that you pretty much have to communicate well and compromise on some things, or you'll both wind up going absolutely crazy. You both have to give a little. Is having her as your "best maid" really important to you? If so, your fiancee should see that and work to make it happen. If it's really, really important to her that she not be in that role, you might have to compromise a bit. Maybe place her in another important role. Doing the Bible (or whatever religion it is) readings maybe, or some other very visible and important thing. Maybe get her ordained from one of those mail-order religions and perform the ceremony? :smallbiggrin: Whatever it is, make sure both you and your fiancee feel respected and part of the decision.

Juggling Goth

2011-12-14, 01:05 PM

Sure. At my partner's cousin's wedding, the groom's female best-friend-since-childhood was the best man.

KenderWizard

2011-12-14, 01:13 PM

I am all about the non-traditional gender roles at weddings, because weddings are still ridiculously gendered. When it comes to getting married, the most important thing is that you and your fiance are happy with what you've got, and that, if ye want, ye share it with the people who mean most to you. If the person who means most to you is a lady instead of a dude, that's awesome and fine and you shouldn't feel pressure from "society" to conform and give the title to someone you like less.

That said, for any of the major players in a wedding, I think it should be a joint decision between the bride and groom. Yes, the bride is supposed to pick the bridesmaids and the groom is supposed to pick the best man, but if you can't sit down and agree a line-up with your fiance, don't marry them! If your bride-to-be has concerns about having a woman in a traditionally man's role, you need to talk about that and explain why it's so important for you to have this person involved and that this is the role that suits best for her. You can always find people online who share non-traditional wedding ideas, so you could look at some of those with your fiance.

Aedilred

2011-12-14, 02:22 PM

A friend of mine acted as "man of honour" at a wedding of one of his female friends.

Another friend of mine had a "best woman" at her wedding, although that was instead of bridesmaids rather than instead of a best man.

I can see no reason for not having a woman as best man, provided that the bride is fine with it.

Vacant

2011-12-14, 04:08 PM

I doubt it's unheard of; I was recently a "bridesman" at a wedding.

valadil

2011-12-14, 04:12 PM

Anyone else ever hear of such a thing? Or perhaps a guy serving as a "man of honor" for the bride?

I've seen it done. Nobody objected. No old ladies in the crowd fainted or even gasped. Fire did not rain down from the heavens. The only person who thought it was a big deal was the groom. I think they ended up renaming the position 'maid of dishonor' or something like that.

Squark

2011-12-14, 04:15 PM

My (Surrogate*) Aunt was nearly the Best Maid at my dad's wedding. Hmm... I can't remember who was the Best Man (Of course, I wasn't born yet, so that's understandable)

*As far as I'm concerned, she's my Aunt. There's just no blood relation on her (or her husband's) part.

Mando Knight

2011-12-14, 04:25 PM

I've seen it done. Nobody objected. No old ladies in the crowd fainted or even gasped. Fire did not rain down from the heavens. The only person who thought it was a big deal was the groom. I think they ended up renaming the position 'maid of dishonor' or something like that.

...Isn't that something the couple should work out before they get hitched?

Z3ro

2011-12-14, 04:43 PM

I had a woman as my "best man" at my wedding. No real problems or concerns from anyone in the wedding.

Ravens_cry

2011-12-14, 04:46 PM

A friend had a man of honour instead of a maid of honour, but he still wore a skirt. Well, a kilt anyway.
It was a beautiful wedding.

Lady Moreta

2011-12-14, 05:50 PM

FWIW I'm pretty sure he mentioned possibly having a child by his potential Best Maid, so I'm doubting impropriety is something he is particularly worried about, unless I grossly misunderstood the first post.

He said he'd known and been best friends with the lady in question since childhood, not that she was a child :smallsmile:

I've heard of it being done as well... especially if the person in question had a sibling of the opposite gender they wanted standing up with them. It's not something I would do (or did do in fact) but I see no problem with it as long as you and your future bride were both happy with it.

Seerow

2011-12-14, 05:53 PM

He said he'd known and been best friends with the lady in question since childhood, not that she was a child :smallsmile:

And I said that he was going to have a child by the best maid, not have a child be the best maid. Specifically I was referring to:

So basically I have this one female friend who is definitely my best friend I feel (my first best friend to boot). I simply love her, and next year she may even be one of my babymamas.

Eadin

2011-12-14, 07:30 PM

http://www.girlswithslingshots.com/comic/gws739/ and so on.

Dr.Epic

2011-12-14, 07:31 PM

Well, it's nontraditional, but I don't see how that's enough to shoot it down. Most weddings today are nontraditional. Just talk them rationally and explain your reasoning for this.

Sthalor

2011-12-15, 01:25 AM

My uncle did that. It's not unheard of, just uncommon.

thubby

2011-12-15, 04:51 AM

it's not that unusual in this day and age.
some juggling has to be done if you're going to have the "bridesmaids" and "groomsmen" dance.
other than that, meh.

GnomeFighter

2011-12-15, 05:13 AM

If people complain about tradition point out to them that black tie (a tux in US speak) is evening dress and they should have bigger things to get there knickers in a twist about.

I have known plenty of female best men and male maid's of honour. As for how they dress, genraly they have gone for something fitting. A dark dress complimenting the brides/bridsmaid/wedding colours but darker for the best women and matching the grome for men of honor (although in one case the bride did have to tell her man of honor he was not, under any cercumstances, to wear a bridsmaids dress).

Mauve Shirt

2011-12-15, 06:55 AM

My cousin's wife had only one woman in her wedding party, and she wasn't the maid of honor. So no it's not unusual for people to do that. Though my mother is begging my sister to not have one of her male friends be her dude of honor. One of them is nicknamed Bedlam, if that gives you an idea why. :smalltongue:

The Succubus

2011-12-15, 07:12 AM

Though my mother is begging my sister to not have one of her male friends be her dude of honor. One of them is nicknamed Bedlam, if that gives you an idea why. :smalltongue:

Doitdoitdoitdoitdoit! :smallbiggrin:

Traab

2011-12-15, 09:30 AM

I forget where I heard this, but the idea of the best man is kinda like a duellist's second-- if the groom skipped out of the wedding, the best man took his place. Of course, this is a pretty outdated tradition, but it puts an interesting spin on the idea, right?

Actually, I heard he was almost literally a duelists second. If someone objects,the best man is there to call them out on the spot and kill them for the insult. Just to be safe, have her bring a broadsword to the ceremony. (hur hur, broad sword)

Scarlet Knight

2011-12-15, 11:35 AM

So basically I have this one female friend who is definitely my best friend I feel (my first best friend to boot). I simply love her, and next year she may even be one of my babymamas.

Babymama as a Bestmaid? Oh, that has disaster written all over it...

Anxe

2011-12-15, 12:01 PM

That sounds like an awful idea. It implies that you'd rather be marrying the best maid than the bride. If you're that involved with another woman then you shouldn't be considering marriage.

thubby

2011-12-15, 12:14 PM

That sounds like an awful idea. It implies that you'd rather be marrying the best maid than the bride. If you're that involved with another woman then you shouldn't be considering marriage.

if pika is the poster i think it is, he's had a dream of procreation as his driving force.
i believe he's referring to one of the women he's donating sperm for. (is that surrogate fathering? this sort of thing is way outside my knowledge base)

and if it's not, please ignore.

Human Paragon 3

2011-12-15, 12:20 PM

I would recommend against this. As far as tradition goes, I don't care. I had no best man, groomsmen, maid of honor, or anything like it at my wedding. If you DO want to do this, however, and pick a woman as your best man, people will consider it suspect.

If I were you, I would not want my wedding marred by suspicion, even if it's unspoken suspicion. Having a female best man might also be a "side show" distracting from the main event: your wedding.

You still want her part of your wedding, and the planning of it, since she's your best friend. Here's how you do it. Make your wife-to-be select her as a bridesmaid, and do everything together. This is not unheard of (usually with a family member, like a sister), and invite her along to all your groom activities (like your bachelor party). Pick a best man who will be cool with having her present and giving input, preferably a mutual friend.

thubby

2011-12-15, 12:31 PM

Human Paragon 3

2011-12-15, 12:40 PM

pffh

2011-12-15, 12:54 PM

Wait why would people consider it suspicious if a man has a woman as his best friend and best man?

Themrys

2011-12-15, 12:57 PM

I would say nothing against it, except...if you have a baby with this woman by any other way than sperm donation, you really shouldn't have her as your best maid or have too much contact with her in general.

Many women are not jealous if their husband has a female best friend, but a female best friend who is an ex-girlfriend, is something completely different, especially if she's single.

In this case, however, demanding of the bride that she takes the best friend as bridesmaid, is equally tactless.

If, however, your female best friend has a girlfriend and you fathered their child by sperm donation, it is unlikely that a woman you want to marry would object to her being the "best maid".

SDF

2011-12-15, 12:59 PM

If you aren't going to have your family at the wedding and wont be having many people on your side of the procession I would forgo a traditional wedding all together. You could do a small ceremony or even one of those fun dress up weddings. Just have friends there without any specific rolls they need to play.

Pika...

2011-12-15, 01:01 PM

That sounds like an awful idea. It implies that you'd rather be marrying the best maid than the bride. If you're that involved with another woman then you shouldn't be considering marriage.

Well, she is just an incredible friend. No romance or such at all.

if pika is the poster i think it is, he's had a dream of procreation as his driving force.
i believe he's referring to one of the women he's donating sperm for. (is that surrogate fathering? this sort of thing is way outside my knowledge base)

and if it's not, please ignore.

Pretty much, but this one is a friend first. Would love her and want her as my best maid even if she was not a babymama.

thubby

2011-12-15, 01:10 PM

The members of a family are people... I'm not sure what your issue is. I am warning the OP that there is a chance some of the friends and family in attendance will consider it suspect. I would do everything I could to avoid that.

"people" is, ironically, dehumanizing in most contexts. and I believe it was in your post.

ex: "People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it."
anyone feel insulted by that? of course not, because no one associates themselves or the humans they know with "people" (the fact that its a line from MIB doesnt help)

your post communicates that "your mother may be petty, and i would act on the assumption that she is"(we can agree actually treating a female best man as "suspect" is petty, right?) and repeats it for everyone he's related to.
because, as you say, everyone in his family is included in "people".

now, i doubt you meant it that way. but im tired of broad, potentially insulting statements going unchallenged just because they're diffuse.
and maybe im making too big a deal of it, and maybe im cranky. and maybe i've been awake for 23 hours, but damn it, i feel justified.

Occasional Sage

2011-12-15, 01:10 PM

So basically I have this one female friend who is definitely my best friend I feel (my first best friend to boot). I simply love her, and next year she may even be one of my babymamas.

I know if I am ever lucky enough to get married I want her as my "best maid", but I am pretty sure the bride and her family would turn it down because it is so nontraditional/unheard of.

Anyone else ever hear of such a thing? Or perhaps a guy serving as a "man of honor" for the bride?

[T]he bride... would turn it down....

Would you really propose to such a person, hypothetically? I find it odd that you'd want to settle down with somebody who would disagree with you so fundamentally.

I suspect you're assuming that tradition > relationship, which is rarely true in real life.

Pika...

2011-12-15, 01:13 PM

Would you really propose to such a person, hypothetically? I find it odd that you'd want to settle down with somebody who would disagree with you so fundamentally.

I suspect you're assuming that tradition > relationship, which is rarely true in real life.

Good point.

Although, that might depend on the culture I guess. But here in the US you are probably right.

I just know that a woman's wedding is usually a day she dreams of since childhood, so I would not want to ruin it for her. :/

ps. Oh yeah, I guess I should have mentioned it will be a turkey baster baby. -_-

Human Paragon 3

2011-12-15, 01:31 PM

The OP himself said that he was worried about this being shut down by the bride and her family. This is, indeed, a possibility. To be absolutely clear, I am talking about the friends and family in attendance at the wedding. Yes. There is a chance they would find this suspect, or too non-traditional. The OP's concern, that the family of the bride might object, is valid. I don't know the family of the bride. All I have to go on is the original post, in which the OP stated:

I am pretty sure the bride and her family would turn it down because it is so nontraditional/unheard of.

I don't think it's rude to suggest the the OP knows his potential bride and their family...

Rather than say F U to the family of the bride, I would recommend a work around, like the one I suggested, that could please everyone, including the husband, the bride, and her family.

Nix Nihila

2011-12-15, 01:43 PM

I don't think it's rude to suggest the the OP knows his potential bride and their family...

I was under the impression that there was no particular bride he had in mind, just that he was wondering whether or not it was unusual. Which it is, but certainly not prohibitively so, and there is nothing necessarily bad about unusual things. I think it would be more unusual for a bride to be uncomfortable with it (at least where I live).

Tengu_temp

2011-12-15, 01:58 PM

Am I the only one who thinks that referring to a woman you're donating sperm for as "my babymama" is demeaning?

Mx.Silver

2011-12-15, 02:05 PM

Wait why would people consider it suspicious if a man has a woman as his best friend and best man?

There are a number of people who believe that all male-female friendships are motivated by romantic/sexual feelings on the part of at least one of those involved, as long as both are attracted to members of the opposite sex. These are presumably the sort of people who would become suspicious.

I just know that a woman's wedding is usually a day she dreams of since childhood, so I would not want to ruin it for her. :/
Note that just because American TV and Hollywood say all girls grow up dreaming of their wedding days doesn't mean that they actually do.

Am I the only one who thinks that referring to a woman you're donating sperm for as "my babymama" is demeaning?
No, you aren't. Or if not demeaning it's at least inappropriate.

Occasional Sage

2011-12-15, 02:19 PM

Rather than say F U to the family of the bride, I would recommend a work around, like the one I suggested, that could please everyone, including the husband, the bride, and her family.

It's Pika's phrase "if I'm ever lucky enough" that suggests to me that there isn't a potential bride in his sights at the moment. Hence asking us, rather than her. :smallwink: So, I'm not suggesting ditching his bride-to-be, so much as pointing out that when he proposes it's unlikely to be to somebody who would find the idea of a Best Maid grotesque.

Coidzor

2011-12-15, 02:22 PM

Don't you think you're perhaps getting ahead of yourself there?

In any event, the only thing that matters is A. will this set off the insane bridezilla psychosis just lying in wait in the bride's head as shown by just about every movie or tv show that's had a wedding in it and that one tv show dedicated specifically to women going bananas about their weddings and B. if the person is willing to do it.

Marginal factor C of whether the duties that would fall to the person be appropriate given the prior relationship, as pointed out by Tirian initially in this thread, I believe, may also play into things, but isn't a given.

A friend had a man of honour instead of a maid of honour, but he still wore a skirt. Well, a kilt anyway.
It was a beautiful wedding.

Completely different things, madame. :smallwink:

For one thing, it's considered skanky to not wear skivvies under a skirt. Whereas it's considered wussing out to wear skivvies under a kilt unless one is an old man.

Viera Champion

2011-12-15, 02:28 PM

This is actually what I was planning on doing for my future wedding. As far off as that may be.

Coidzor

2011-12-15, 02:36 PM

they're not "people", they're family.

Generally there are some non-family members invited to weddings (at the very least, generally the officiator is not a relative), or a relative or two so distantly related that one could actually marry one of them...

So people also covers the friends of the family and such. If we still had communities it would also cover the local gossip mill, but, that's probably a good side effect of getting rid of the community as an extant concept/entity/thing.

There are a number of people who believe that all male-female friendships are motivated by romantic/sexual feelings on the part of at least one of those involved, as long as both are attracted to members of the opposite sex. These are presumably the sort of people who would become suspicious.

In a situation where one doesn't know the full story, but does know that there was something reproductive going on between the two, it'd definitely sound like an odd premise at the very least.

Note that just because American TV and Hollywood say all girls grow up dreaming of their wedding days doesn't mean that they actually do.

Though it will cause some of them to internalize it, unfortunately. Case in point, Bride-a-zillas. :smallfrown:

No, you aren't. Or if not demeaning it's at least inappropriate.

ps. Oh yeah, I guess I should have mentioned it will be a turkey baster baby. -_-

Really could use a good set of terminology for the whole thing. I don't recall one offhand though. :/

Pika...

2011-12-15, 02:50 PM

Well, the "babymama" term is like a friendly between-us term. I don't think I will use it on any-other mother, just her. She tells people I am the "donor", but she sometimes calls me the babydady on a personal level, which makes me fee special. :smallsmile:

Mx.Silver

2011-12-15, 03:04 PM

In a situation where one doesn't know the full story, but does know that there was something reproductive going on between the two, it'd definitely sound like an odd premise at the very least.
There's that as well. I was trying to avoid reference to Pika's particular situation, but it doesn't exactly help matters.

Though it will cause some of them to internalize it, unfortunately. Case in point, Bride-a-zillas. :smallfrown:
Wasn't saying there weren't. Just trying to point-out that it's not necessarily as ubiquitous as american media portrays it. I'll admit I have no frame of reference on american culture though.

Really could use a good set of terminology for the whole thing. I don't recall one offhand though. :/
I think I'd be happy with almost anything else than 'turkey-baster-baby'.

Human Paragon 3

2011-12-15, 03:14 PM

Why don't you want to have a natural child with your hypothetical wife?

Pika...

2011-12-15, 03:18 PM

Why don't you want to have a natural child with your hypothetical wife?

I do, but I want to help people, and plus the couples I am helping want me in the kids lives, so I am content.

And who knows when I'll get a chance to get married and have in-marriage children. :/

Plus, I believe one survives through their genepool, so this is win-win for me, especially if I die before marriage.

Tengu_temp

2011-12-15, 03:41 PM

So, you want all the satisfaction that comes from parenthood but without any of the responsibilities? I think it's fine and dandy to help couples who can't have children on their own, but even if they want you to be in their kids' lives, they still are not yours in any sense other than strictly biological one.

Pika...

2011-12-15, 03:59 PM

AtlanteanTroll

2011-12-15, 04:49 PM

And who knows when I'll get a chance to get married and have in-marriage children. :/

Not to be rude, but then why are you planning this out? I agree with Coid, I think you're getting a bit ahead of yourself.

Coidzor

2011-12-15, 06:27 PM

I think I'd be happy with almost anything else than 'turkey-baster-baby'.

Me too. I just can't think of anything in the face of it. :smalleek:

dehro

2011-12-15, 07:01 PM

Well, my family would not be at my future wedding. So only her and her family matter.

that's all the more reason to discard any objections she might have. without delving into why your family won't be there, which is none of my business, I'd say that you do deserve not to get any aggravation from your wife to be for at least choosing who to have as your best woman..

Tengu_temp

2011-12-15, 08:10 PM

that's all the more reason to discard any objections she might have. without delving into why your family won't be there, which is none of my business, I'd say that you do deserve not to get any aggravation from your wife to be for at least choosing who to have as your best woman..

"Don't care about the feelings of your wife and just do what you want because you deserve it" is not a good recipe for a happy marriage.

Serpentine

2011-12-15, 09:31 PM

Babymama as a Bestmaid? Oh, that has disaster written all over it...
That sounds like an awful idea. It implies that you'd rather be marrying the best maid than the bride. If you're that involved with another woman then you shouldn't be considering marriage.The "babymama" is in a relationship with another woman (or was last I heard). I don't think that's an issue.
There are a number of people who believe that all male-female friendships are motivated by romantic/sexual feelings on the part of at least one of those involved, as long as both are attracted to members of the opposite sex. These are presumably the sort of people who would become suspicious.They're also the sort of people I, personally, would want nothing to do with, and might relish the opportunity to have them weeded out.

AtlanteanTroll

2011-12-15, 10:00 PM

The "babymama" is in a relationship with another woman (or was last I heard). I don't think that's an issue.They're also the sort of people I, personally, would want nothing to do with, and might relish the opportunity to have them weeded out.

If you've invited in the first place, you probably already know and/or don't care if they're a little bigoted.

Serpentine

2011-12-15, 10:20 PM

Why would having invited someone necessitate the foreknowledge of subtle bigotry? :smallconfused: Do you regularly discuss with your friends their views on mixed-sex friendships? I mean, I guess it's possible, but I don't think it's a given.

Scarlet Knight

2011-12-16, 09:18 AM

The "babymama" is in a relationship with another woman (or was last I heard). I don't think that's an issue.

In a perfect world, spouses, family, and friends are loving, supportive, and logical. In the real world, they often come with a whirlwind of emotions &/or preconceived notions. I believe we all have people in our lives that we love who also drive us crazy.

The Babymama is still the mother of his child. Their relationship will have many similarities of an ex-spouse. The complications are not much different than if she was bisexual and now is with a woman or a hetero one night stand that moved on.

The future bride may be open minded & this may not be a problem for the two of them. But since this is only a mental exercise, do not be surprised when he tries to put it into practice that most everyday people are upset by it for one reason or another. They just have to decide if that is worth the aggravation.

You know, since this is a fantasy anyway, just find a wild bisexual bride and invite everyone to he honeymoon.:smallwink:

Dark Elf Bard

2011-12-16, 09:23 AM

Though my mother is begging my sister to not have one of her male friends be her dude of honor. One of them is nicknamed Bedlam, if that gives you an idea why. :smalltongue:

I don't get it...::confused::smile:

The Succubus

2011-12-16, 11:06 AM

You know, since this is a fantasy anyway, just find a wild bisexual bride and invite everyone to he honeymoon.:smallwink:

I would say this is an idea I could get behind, or alongside but I think I'd just find it way too confusing with all the arms and legs everywhere. I'm a man of simple tastes.

Pika...

2011-12-16, 11:44 AM

You know, since this is a fantasy anyway, just find a wild bisexual bride and invite everyone to he honeymoon.:smallwink:

And that folks is why i get my advice exclusively at GitP. :smallbiggrin:

Coidzor

2011-12-16, 04:27 PM

I don't get it...::confused::smile:

Bedlam was the name of an old, old, old precursor to sanatoriums and mental health hospitals. Rather terrible, only marginally better than letting people starve in the streets from what I recall of its depictions. I think it eventually became a word for all such places or possibly for madness in general.

dehro

2011-12-16, 05:30 PM

"Don't care about the feelings of your wife and just do what you want because you deserve it" is not a good recipe for a happy marriage.

shouldn't that be true in both directions?
there's a big difference between doing what you want and letting prejudice and/or misguided sense of "what is proper" letting get in the way of what you want, all for the sake of not wanting to even look like you're standing your ground, which in my book sets just as bad a precedent (but that's a very personal view that many won't share). I appreciate that the marriage event is often more of a sensitive issue for the lady than it is for the man (if we must believe hollywood, that is).. but she's not marrying just him as he appears in his suit of choice on that day, as if he were a necessary complement to something that is otherwise entirely about her...
she's marrying him as he got there, with his friends, family (or lack thereof), history, virtues and flaws... if his female friend is important to him, he does deserve her to accept that.

dehro

2011-12-16, 05:34 PM

You know, since this is a fantasy anyway, just find a wild bisexual bride and invite everyone to he honeymoon.:smallwink:

also, bring a camcorder

Tengu_temp

2011-12-16, 05:55 PM

shouldn't that be true in both directions?

It is, which is why the correct approach is to discuss the matter, see if both parties are okay with it, and if not then reach some sort of compromise that'll satisfy both sides. Which is completely different from your suggested "I'll do what I want because I deserve it!" approach.

dehro

2011-12-17, 05:24 PM

Which is completely different from your suggested "I'll do what I want because I deserve it!" approach.

except I never said any of the like. that's just what you decided to make of what I said. I was merely pointing out an argument in favour of the man being free to determine who to give that important role to. an argument which could be used in any debate around the subject. that a marriage should not begin on an act of selfishness and disrespect didn't need to be said..it's kinda obvious.
I would expect an intelligent man to use my argument in a discussion, and an equally intelligent woman, to see his point and relent on the matter.

anyway, the point is moot as far as I'm concerned, because, I myself wouldn't marry or indeed be much interested in the kind of girl who would give me grief over who my friends were or who my best man/woman was..or who would rate her family's opinion on this particular matter above that of myself. and I suspect that a girl who rates tradition and "properness" above what her husband to be would want on such an important day... well..she would probably not be interested in me either...certainly not enough for marriage to ever become an option

Moff Chumley

2011-12-18, 12:31 AM

Am I the only one who thinks that referring to a woman you're donating sperm for as "my babymama" is demeaning?

Not necessarily demeaning, but pretty tasteless.

Well, the "babymama" term is like a friendly between-us term. I don't think I will use it on any-other mother, just her. She tells people I am the "donor", but she sometimes calls me the babydady on a personal level, which makes me fee special. :smallsmile:

The, ah, vernacular I use between friends would get me banned from GitP it'd make yer head spin. Ask facebook chat, they can corroborate. Point is, "babymama" has some implications that might leave a rather sour taste in one's mouth, and while I'm hardly one to go out of his way to avoid leaving a bad impression, there are a whole lotta pros for finding a different set of terms and absolutely zero cons, aside from the thirty seconds it'd take...

danzibr

2011-12-19, 11:04 AM

Well, she is just an incredible friend. No romance or such at all.
Aww dang. My first thought was, "Marry her!"

Admiral Squish

2011-12-19, 05:38 PM

Well, traditionally, the best man was there to fight off the wife's family who would be coming to get her back after you kidnapped her. They kept weapons under the pulpit. So, the real question to ask is: how handy is your best lady with a battleaxe?

Pika...

2011-12-19, 05:56 PM

Balain

2011-12-20, 02:35 PM

I'm not sure how common it is but it has been done. My friends wedding, his bride had her brother as a bridsman and he had his sister as grooms aid (or wha tever they would be called) to balance out the wedding party.

Manga Shoggoth

2011-12-23, 08:13 AM

OP: It is most certianly done - my brother-in-law had his sister performing the function.

I forget where I heard this, but the idea of the best man is kinda like a duellist's second-- if the groom skipped out of the wedding, the best man took his place. Of course, this is a pretty outdated tradition, but it puts an interesting spin on the idea, right?

Oor bridesmaids were my sister (already married - see above) and my niece. Imagine the horror:

My (then future) wife: Of course, the idea of the best man is that if the groom doesn't turn up, the best man takes his place

Phil (the Best Man): Likewise, if I don't turn up, since Deb is already married you will have to marry Chris.

Me: Of course, if neither of us turn up, you have to marry Phil...

We had her going for a few minutes...

Aedilred

2011-12-24, 12:12 PM

This is presumably why, traditionally, married women can't be bridesmaids.

It doesn't account for married men being allowed to be the best man, of course.

Thufir

2011-12-24, 01:01 PM

This is presumably why, traditionally, married women can't be bridesmaids.

It doesn't account for married men being allowed to be the best man, of course.

Well, from a purely semantic viewpoint, it wouldn't make sense. If she's married, she's no longer considered a maid. Whereas men remain men regardless of marital status.
Not that anyone should let nomenclature get in the way of who they want to fulfil those functions at their wedding.

Manga Shoggoth

2011-12-25, 12:45 PM

Well, from a purely semantic viewpoint, it wouldn't make sense. If she's married, she's no longer considered a maid. Whereas men remain men regardless of marital status.

Indeed. My Sister was technically speaking Matron of Honour rather than Chief Bridesmaid.

Knaight

2011-12-27, 03:08 AM

except I never said any of the like. that's just what you decided to make of what I said. I was merely pointing out an argument in favour of the man being free to determine who to give that important role to. an argument which could be used in any debate around the subject.
"discard any objections she might have"* is not something that makes sense as part of an argument in favor of that position. It is, however, very much in favor of "I'll do what I want". Whether or not the rationale is "because I deserve it" really depends on the rest of the argument. "he does deserve her to accept that"* being part of that argument, that seems a reasonable conclusion. Reading into subtext that is very much there is not the same thing as deciding to make something of what is said.

*See: Your previous posts in this thread.

Caesar

2011-12-27, 02:19 PM

are you sure you are marrying the right one, Pika?

Asta Kask

2011-12-27, 02:38 PM

Considering the other one is a lesbian I'd say yes.

Michaeler

2011-12-28, 12:15 PM

A quick websearch indicates that the normal term is Groomsmaid and the biggest controversy over the role is whether she needs to wear a suit.

I'd say make her wear a suit, although with the obvious caveat that I've not seen her.

ETA: Also, records of the role go back to at least the 13th century.

Adlan

2011-12-28, 01:53 PM

This is presumably why, traditionally, married women can't be bridesmaids.

It doesn't account for married men being allowed to be the best man, of course.

Polygamy does though.

Though historically speaking, I don't think it's that accurate, modern wedding traditions arose in a monogamous setting.

Abies

2011-12-29, 05:07 AM

Is this the monthly (perhaps bi-monthly) "I'm in love with my lesbian friend but perhaps others may not approve... etc, etc..." thread?

I'm sorry Pika, It has to be said (and if it has been said before you have not chosen to listen).

Lesbian = not into men, not even you.

I know, she has asked you to father a child. One and a half years ago. (IIRC) Medical science could have made that happen by now. In all honesty, if she was serious about the situation, there would be a beautiful baby we all could congratulate you on.

If your situation has been honestly presented, I can sympathize. I know what its like to have female friends who have zero romantic/sexual interest in me. Believe me, constantly revisiting the question of "is this OK"? Will not make your heartbreak any lesser.

How about actually finding a girl to marry before asking whether its ok to ask the woman you're in love with to be your best (wo)man?

I apologise, but each of your topics have the same theme. And that theme is: " I love "X", but "Y" may not approve, what do people think?"

The issue never addressed is "does your "babymamma" love Pika?" That is what I'd like to know.

From your posts, I like you, I find your life story sympathetic, and interesting. I do not want you to suffer undue stress or sadness.

In keeping with the tradition of previous discussion threads, I have no expectation that Pika will actually answer in person. Others are welcome to revile me for speaking my honest opinion.

H Birchgrove

2011-12-29, 10:38 AM

Xyk

2011-12-31, 01:58 PM

I think I'll probably have a best maid when I get married. My closest friends are all female. Then again, given my preference in women, my wife would never be a fundamentalist when it comes to weddings and wouldn't have any problem with that.

Mx.Silver

2011-12-31, 03:56 PM

While I'm not found of the "baby mama" expression, I applaud Pika's decision to let his offspring to at least know he is their father. Anonymous sperm donations are going to create a lot of sorrow sooner or later, given that popular donors can father hundreds of children scattered over a country, thus increasing the risk of (brother-sister) incest.
He's not donating through a sperm bank or similar institution. This is a one-off thing, there is no risk of producing hundreds of children. Nor, for that matter, is this child going to be 'his'. He has donated genetic material so that someone else may have a child. A child which will be theirs. The donor has no claim to this child as theirs and should not be referred to as the child's father because in any meaningful sense of the term he isn't.

H Birchgrove

2011-12-31, 08:35 PM

He's not donating through a sperm bank or similar institution. This is a one-off thing, there is no risk of producing hundreds of children. Nor, for that matter, is this child going to be 'his'. He has donated genetic material so that someone else may have a child. A child which will be theirs. The donor has no claim to this child as theirs and should not be referred to as the child's father because in any meaningful sense of the term he isn't.
Has anything I wrote contradicted what you are saying? :smallconfused:

IMO the child has the right to know their biological parents, but I digress.

Altair_the_Vexed

2012-01-01, 06:44 AM

+1 for the "I've done that" crowd. My lovely mate April was my best man at my wedding.

Scarlet Knight

2012-01-01, 11:52 AM

Wha?! Oh, "mate" as in "pal", not "mate" as in ...."mate". :smallredface:

Pika...

2012-01-16, 02:56 PM

In the end it doesn't matter after all.

She was the first person I thought was my "best friend", but completely betrayed me yesterday. Threw me to the curve like I was worthless. I think I really just want to elope after all and have no-one by my side. :smallconfused:

Asta Kask

2012-01-16, 02:57 PM

*hugs*

hopefully it's a misunderstanding

Pika...

2012-01-16, 02:58 PM

*hugs*

hopefully it's a misunderstanding

Thankies Asta. Many of them. :smallsmile:

And nope, definitely not a misunderstanding. LoL.

noparlpf

2012-01-16, 08:15 PM

I don't go to many weddings (being seventeen and all most of my friends haven't had weddings yet). I'd have no problem with having a best maid or whatever you want to call it, though. If a random seventeen-year-old guy's opinion helps sway the in-laws, awesome.
Fight the patriarchy. Stick it to the man.