View Full Version : One-liners for a witty character

2012-01-02, 10:31 PM
So I'm working on a witty character. I'm fairly witty, but I'd feel more comfortable if I had a nice list of one-liners prepared. Help me out.

Things along the line of:

"I get hit more often than a blackjack player facing a deck of deuces." -Haley Starshine, OOTS

Ulysses WkAmil
2012-01-02, 11:32 PM
Well some one-liners only work depending on your clas/race/ other stuff...BUT
"I guess I'm not the only thing thats sharp around here" after a successful blade attack

2012-01-03, 12:32 AM
While some only work depending on your race/class/whatever, others are dependent upon your enemy.

After a raging barbarian rolls a natural 1 on his charge attack against you: "Are you as impotent as your rage?"

2012-01-03, 12:44 AM
"[insert description here] with delusions of competence"
"I'm a notorious liar"

"Don't care" (When interrupting a BBEG's Speach)

2012-01-03, 12:50 AM
I don't even know the setting, but I'll toss out some quotes from some of my favorite movies and shows that at least amuse me. (But really, just look at CSI:Miami or whichever one it is that has Horatio in it and you'll get them by the truckload.) Hopefully you either find inspiration or something you can jsut edit to work for you. (Really imdb.com has some great quotes if you poke around :p) Also obviously what's witty depends on circumstances and what you're responding to, but ohwell.

"Just because I don't like to fight doesn't mean I can't." - Highlander

"The longer I live the more I get attached to myself." - Highlander

"You know, sometimes you knowing everything gets to be a real pain in the ass." - Highlander

"Talk about the blind leading the visually challenged." - Highlander

"Ah, arrogance and stupidity all in the same package. How efficient of you!" - Babylon 5

"The universe is run by the complex interweaving of three elements. Energy, matter, and enlightened self-interest. " - Babylon 5

"Worst case of testosterone poisoning I have ever seen." - Babylon 5

"Much as it might offend their sense of perspective, not everything is about Babylon 5. " - Babylon 5

"Only an idiot would fight a war on two fronts. Only the heir to the throne of the Kingdom of Idiots would fight a war on twelve fronts." - Babylon 5

"I wish you would stop looking for beauty in things that want to kill us." - Andromeda

"While I admit the universe does have a sense of humor, I doubt very much this is a joke." - Andromeda

"I'm not deprived, I'm depraved." - Andromeda

"Your willingness to defy the universal odds is a disease that apparently we have all contracted." - Andromeda

"I just want a day where I can build missiles and tweak fire control in peace." - Andromeda

"Yeah, well, good intentions. Hell. You draw the map." - Andromeda

"The problem is, this stuff is so old, it pre-dates you!" - Andromeda

"Honestly, Dylan, it was kinda beautiful, in an impending apocalypse kinda way. And now that it's been reclassified to an averted apocalypse, I feel I can appreciate it even more." - Andromeda

"Aw, geez, if only insecure bozos did it for me, I'd be the happiest guy in space." - Andromeda

"All men think they're fascinating- in my case, it's justified." - Hercules

"Of course I care about the needs of the people... I happen to be one of them." - Hercules

"Bold and nosy. I'm famous for that." - MacGyver

2012-01-03, 11:33 AM
Intelligence is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his wagon.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Bastian Weaver
2012-01-03, 11:44 AM
So you can float. I got a rubber ducky at home that does the same thing.

Your little speech done? Can I beat you down now? (Angelo Espinosa, Generation X)

Sgt. Cookie
2012-01-03, 11:50 AM
"Ah-ha! So that's where I left my sword." After removing your sword from the corpse of a foe.

"I have listened to everything you just said and have come to the relisation, you're a moron!"

Jay R
2012-01-03, 11:50 AM
The ideal quip is rooted in the situation at hand.

In a recent game, our characters are all 16 years old. At one point, my thief was forced to leap down to attack a priest of Lolth, to prevent spell-casting. He sneered at me and said, "You? You're the great hero who thinks he can stop me?"

I grinned and replied, "Nope. We're those meddling kids that you'd have gotten away with it if it weren't for."

2012-01-03, 12:13 PM
I never judge a man until I've walked a mile in his shoes, then when I do judge him I'm a mile away and have his shoes.

“Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.”
― Tamora Pierce, Melting Stones

“I distrust any advice that contains the words 'ought' or 'should'.”
― Tamora Pierce

“When in doubt, kill the wizard.”

Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle. (Can be used with ANY PC plan.)
-Malcolm Reynolds.

2012-01-03, 01:38 PM
Druid or Ranger
"I'm not going to hurt you, thats fluffy's (grizzly bear animal companion) job"


He who laughs last thinks slowest

I might be a dumb fighter, but you're a 9.5 lb wizard within melee range

I'm a barbarian, I solve problems. You are a problem

Yes officer I do have a weapons permit, 9 of them right here in the magazine

CLICK! 2 pair beats a royal flush RIGHT?

2012-01-03, 01:50 PM
[insert number here] down, [insert remainding number] to go...

Is that a sword at your hip or are you just happy to see me?

I'm starving for some killing and some [X], and I'm all out of [X].

and that's how the [insert enemyrace here] crubles... (for example, "that's how the goblin crumbles...)

[anything from Dirty Harry]

[anything from jack Sparrow]

go nuts :)

2012-01-03, 02:03 PM
To a bound captive:

"Oh don't worry! Dying is the very LAST thing that will happen to you."

2012-01-03, 02:35 PM
@ Traab...
<rubs forehead twice> :D

2012-01-03, 03:06 PM
"We're like two ships passing in the night. Especially you."

2012-01-05, 05:40 AM
Go here:

or some analog thereof.

I built a Bard NPC once with max ranks in Perform: Comedy who was all about the goofy one-liners. I didn't really believe in my ability to come up with campy, vaudevillian wise-cracks off the top of my head, so I found a Top 100 list to access, rolled a d100 and used the corresponding joke the next time it seemed appropriate to squeeze a joke in.

The group loved it, and it freed up my mind to focus on keeping the story going.

2012-01-05, 08:03 AM
from Discworld:
"Check you weapons!"
"Yep, got all of mine"

from Stargate Atlantis:
"you know what would be creepy and unexpected would be if you knelt instead"
in fact anything said by either O'neill or Sheppard.

one of my recent characters was rather fond of cutting remarks.
for example:

Exarch of Orcus: "you think you can defeat me?"
"me, no, i'm just here to provide bad jokes an pathetic double entendres..."

and when asking for gear I always ended each list with an immovable rod to see if I could get away with it. finally I got the response i'd been hoping for:

"Right, I need a bag of holding, five smokesticks and an immovable rod."
"why do you need an immovable rod?"
"They're nifty, they don't move..."

2012-01-05, 09:27 AM
tf2 might have something fitting
on bottom responses by class has lins to all classes (http://tf2wiki.net/wiki/Responses)

"Drink it in, pal. That's how failure tastes."
"If you order now, I'll throw in a second beatin', absolutely free."
"What have we learned? I always win!"
"Hehey, look, you shape shifted into a dead guy!"
"Pop quiz: How long does it take to beat a moron to death? BAM. Sorry, time's up, you're dead!"

"That's where books get you, professor."
"Oh, they're gonna have to glue you back together...IN HELL!"

and so on.

2012-01-05, 03:32 PM
farseer Taldeer
I know my death for ten of your live times human, don't try to scare me with it!"
"Take solace at least in facing defeat at the hands of your betters, there is no ignominy in that."

2012-01-05, 08:06 PM
Especially fighting a dragon or beholder, but any fantastical creature you can converse with:

"Your mother was a spell component!"

2012-01-05, 10:54 PM
when succeeding in an off hand attack

"i told him to look at the right"

2012-01-05, 11:13 PM
"It wasn't me, it was the one-armed man!"
"You were good, kid, real good. But as long as I'm around, you'll always be second best, see?"
"Hold me closer, Ed, it's getting dark. [cough, cough] Tell Auntie Em to let Old Yeller out. [cough cough] Tell Tiny Tim I won't be coming home this Christmas
[cough, cough] Tell Scarlett I do give a damn."
"It's party time. P, A, R, T. Y? Because I gotta! "
"Our love is like a red, red rose... and I am a little thorny. "
"Kiss me, my dear, and I will reveal my croissant. I will spread your pate. I will dip my ladle in your vichyssoise."
"Je t'adore, je t'awindow, I don't care!"
"And now, like Napoleon, I will divide and conquer."
(After actually getting shot, but still fighting)"Did you miss me?"(The shot wounds are evident)"I GUESS NOT! "

Okay, those were all from The Mask (Jim Carrey)

Now, let's see if I can actually come up with something of my own. *brings up a grenade* CATCH! *thows it at ya*

Over a wounded, fidgeting enemy "HE'S ALIVE, HE'S ALIVE! HE'S ALLIIIIIIVE! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" *headshot* "Not 'nymore though..."

Upon an opponent triggering a tripwire that detonates explosives "My fav'rite pastime: HOOOKERS AND BLOW"

Sitting on a heavy-smoker, shot opponent, dumping the cinders of his cigar in his mouth "This path of crime will lead you ashtray"

"You think haemorroids are hard? Have trouble sitting down? Try taking a stand."

"You think that's hard? Try having herpes, that's hard"

"You think that's hard? Try living with AIDS, that's hard"

*Being shot and saved by a Pocket Protector: "GOD, I KNEW YOU LOVED ME ALL ALONG!"

*After stabbing someone in the chest "Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men..."

"You keel or I kill. Your choice."

to a teammate who is dumbstuck in the middle of a shootout "HORATIO! SLAY SOMETHING!"

2012-01-06, 03:06 AM
"Are you a liar? Because your pants are on fire!"

"Who wants a liver piercing?"

"And we've got a lovely parting gift for the losers. It's death!"

"Get up so I can kill you again!"

"Learn to burn, dude!"

"Stabbification complete."

"Your momma was a trash compactor!"

"I'm gonna dismember you and beat you to death with your own limbs!"

Especially fighting a dragon or beholder, but any fantastical creature you can converse with:

"Your mother was a spell component!"

This one wins the thread, however.

2012-01-06, 12:52 PM
A few of these are borrowed from things I've seen on the forum.

"You put the 'awful goo' in 'lawful good'."

"I will break you like a record."

"Please. I've seen brighter darkness spells." (Better if you can reference some item that creates magical darkness.)

"I only lie so people won't believe me when I tell the truth. And if you bought that, you weren't listening very closely."

"You sir, are a natural one if ever I saw one." -or- "You're a natural! One, that is."

Tvtropes (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BondOneLiner) has you covered for what to say after killing somebody.

"(STAT) as a dump stat must really bite."

"Let's vrock and troll!" / (To "I Love Rock and Roll") "I love vrocks and trolls!"

(Wielding a sword or mace.) "It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing!"

This takes a lot of set, up, but if you're playing Bard, get some other players to start up the classic LOTR quote...
Fighter: "You have my sword."
Ranger: "And my bow."
Bard: "And my acts!"

Things to get people to say, and how to respond:
They say: "I hate my life!"
You respond: "It's okay... we/I hate your life too."

They say: "I'm serious!"
You respond: "But I'm not!"

2012-01-07, 03:44 PM
"I vowed not to hurt you. However, the Monstrous Centipede I just summoned has taken no such oath."

2012-01-07, 04:38 PM
"I'd hate to be a troll, but looks like I'm gonna have to flame you!"

(character proceeds to cast fireball at a troll:smallwink:)

2012-01-07, 07:08 PM
"Are you hurt? (attacks) How about now?"

Edit: (while improvising with a crowbar) I don't mean to pry, but it looks like you could be in some trouble!

2012-01-07, 09:28 PM
Here's a few good ones. (http://www.onelinerz.net/top-100-funny-one-liners/)

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

2012-01-08, 11:39 PM
"Charge!!!!" followed by the actual charging.
"Now you see me, now you don't." while casting Invisibility.
"Let's rock!" while throwing a boulder.
"Do you feel the sting of my rejection? Oh, wait, that's just my blade." while cutting someone with a bladed weapon.
"Next time you try to eat me, I'm going to knit your guts into a sweater!" after getting swallowed and cutting your way out.
"Man it's dark in here!" after getting eaten.
"We're fighting werewolves and you think I'm loony?" after being called crazy.
"Heads up!" while aiming for an opponents head.
"A cat can fight better than you!" said to a wizard.
"You really put the 'drag' in 'dragon'." said to any draconic creature.

2012-01-08, 11:51 PM
You guys are great. So many good ones. I'll throw some in myself.

-It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
-You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
-See, this is why I don't waste money on shrinks, because you give me all these really great insights for free.
-[Responding to any unwarranted optimism] I love children. So filled with hope.
-Like I always say, there's no "I" in "team". There is a "me", though, if you jumble it up.

2012-01-09, 12:56 PM
I've always wanted to play a Bard so they could shout "I've got a sonnet with your name on it!" before a combat performance or spell. :smallcool: