Flare's writings and other things of an artistic nature.

[icastflare!]

This is a thread were I can put my writings and other creations for The Challenge and if anyone wants to give feedback for someone who hasnt written recreationally in about 5 years.

[icastflare!]

Unnamed story
Word count: 543 words.

Zane Beauns ran out from his house and looked up at the sky as his fears were realized. Floating vessels rested in the sky, giant ships meant to travel through space and no doubt full of soldiers. “This is it.” Zane thought “The Drovin Empire was finally at our home. This is the end of an era.”

Everyone on the planet knew this would happen eventually. The Empire has a ruthless reputation for rapidly expanding their territory by taking over planets, using methods varying from peaceful negotiations to full scale annihilation. Their presence inspired fear on many planets and Empire was spoken as a curse on many worlds.

Everyone had heard the rumors that the Empire had sights on the planet they lived on. The planet of Old Forge was never a military power even at its height and had sent most of its army to help stave off the Empire’s reach across civilized space. The current military tasked to defend the planet was basically a joke. Less than 30,000 men in the Home Reserve Forces and there was less than 100 tanks and barely enough guns to go around for the Forces.

Zane stood in silence as he watched the ships stay in their orbit around Old Forge. Small, flashing, dots descended from the ships as their forces would land to decimate what remained of the HRF, if they decided to fight and didn’t surrender and hope the invaders were merciful. The situation looked grim for everyone on the world.

“Z!” “Hey Z!” Zane heard his nickname being called and knew who was coming to see him. Venris Intious ran towards him with panic blatant in his eyes as his feet kicked up the sand. Venris or as Zane preferred to call him V had been best friends with Zane since they were mere children. Now at the age of 19, their friendship was still intact through the challenge of both their social lives.

“What is it V?” Zane asked. He figured that whatever he had to say would be important. “The mayor has called an emergency town meeting. People are scared out of their wits and he doesn’t want a riot on his hands. He thinks that sheer chaos is sure to come before the Empire’s lackeys can even march down here.” Venris had the look of a scared animal in his eyes and it scared Zane. Very few things could make his companion show fear and anything that could was usually something dangerous.

They took off towards the town square and were hurried along by many of the sights they saw. They saw mothers clutching their babies as they wondered for the fate of their children. Older men and women who helped settle the area around 60 years ago sat in despair and many broke into tears as their hard work would be taken away as the land they made for themselves was taken away. The most heart breaking ones were the children who gazed at the ships above their planet. They are too young to know these vessels which spark their imaginations and send them into a state of awe as these objects of adoration will contain the people who will force them into a deep state of repression.

[Zorg]

Unnamed story
Word count: 543 words.

Zane Beauns If you're not planning on continuing this story I'd cut his surname out, as it serves no purpose otherwise ran out from his house and looked up at the sky as his fears were realized. Floating vessels rested in the night, day? sky, giant ships meant to travel through space and no doubt full of soldiers. “This is it. ,” Zane thought. “The Drovin Empire was isfinally at our home. This is the end of an era.” Narration is in past tense, people think and speak in the present.

Everyone on the planet knew this would happen eventually. The Empire has had a ruthless reputation for rapidly expanding their territory by taking over planets redundant using methods varying from peaceful negotiations to full scale annihilation. Peaceful negotiation is hardly ruthless - something like political annexation or economic takeovers would suit better IMO Their presence inspired fear on many planets and Empire was spoken as a curse on many worlds.

Everyone had heard the rumors that the Empire had sights on the planet they lived on Old Forge. You need to name it first up, nobody calls their city "the city in which I live" The planet of Old Forge was never a military power, even at its height, and had sent most of its army to help stave off the Empire’s reach across civilized space. The current military tasked to defend the planet was basically a joke. Less than 30,000 men in the Home Reserve Forces and there was less than 100 tanks and barely enough guns to go around for the Forces. I'm assuming this planet has only one or two population centres, as that is incredibly tiny. Australia has 18,000 in the Army Reserves for instance

Zane stood in silence as he watched the ships stay in their orbit around Old Forge. Small, flashing, dots descended from the ships as their forces would land to decimate what remained of the HRF, if they decided to fight and didn’t surrender and hope the invaders were merciful. The situation looked grim for everyone on the world.
The first sentance really runs on - also decimate doesn't mean what I think you think it means. I'd re-write it more like:
Small, flashing, dots descended from the ships as their forces came to land and annihilate the HRF. That is if the HRF decided to fight and didn’t surrender immediately in the hope the invaders would be merciful.

“Z!” “Hey Z!” No need to have seperate quotes if it is the same person speaking Zane heard his nickname being called and knew who was coming to see him. Venris Intious ran towards him with panic blatant in his eyes as his feet kicked up the sand. Sand? What sand? The only mention of environment so far has been a house, implying urban. Either excise the mention or add more description earlier Venris, or as Zane preferred to call him V, had been best friends with Zane since they were mere children. You needn't mention that he calls him V, as he uses it later and given the establihed Z nickname the meaning would be obvious. Just have it happen as part of the conversation - show, don't tell as they say Now at the age of 19, their friendship was still intact through the challenge of both their social lives. Again, unless you're planning to continue the story, this is unnecessary.

“What is it V?” Zane asked. He figured that whatever he had to say would be important. Why is this? I'd figure he'd say 'Oh, **** we're going to be invaded!' given the circumstances. If there is a good reason, give it: 'he figured that wahtever Venris, always level headed, had to say... “The mayor has called an emergency town meeting. People are scared out of their wits and he doesn’t want a riot on his hands. He thinks that sheer chaos is sure to come before the Empire’s lackeys can even march down here.” To be blunt: nobody talks like that. Try reading it out loud with some emotion. Venris had the look of a scared animal in his eyes and it scared Zane. I'd replace either of the 'scared's with something else to avoid repetition Very few things could make his companion show fear and anything that could was usually something dangerous. Not to be flippant, but obviously dangerous things would cause fear

They took off towards the town square and were hurried along by many of the sights they saw. They saw mothers clutching their babies as they wondered for the fate of their children. Older men and women who helped settle the area around some 'around' is a very wishy-washy word in this context. It generally works best in speach, or for distances 60 years ago sat in despair, and many broke into tears as their hard work would be taken away as the land they made for themselves was taken away. Run on sentence. I'd chose either their hard work or their land, not both The most heart breaking ones were the children who gazed at the ships above their planet. They are were too young to know these vessels, which spark their imaginations and send them into a state of awe as these objects of adoration, will contain the people who will force them into a deep state of repression submission.


Generally fine, most of the issues tend to be around either wooden or overflowing prose. As I said, there were a few run-on sentences and the dialogue was a bit stodgy. Most of it would be easily fixed by reading aloud - when you start running out of breath on a description it's too long :smallwink:

[Glass Mouse]

Zorg already covered a lot of useful stuff, but I'll throw in a few more comments:

I like the immediate introduction to drama and potential action. There's a little bit of infodump here, but it's littered between actual things happening, so it doesn't feel heavy or forced. Kudos for that.

I know I'm guilty of this one, but... "Z" and "V" aren't really words, and they look pretty clunky when used as nicknames (at least IMO). "Zee" and "Ven" would sound more natural, I think.

Zorg already pointed this out, but watch your tenses. Nothing jolts a reader out of the immersion like an unexplained tense shift.

I know this is may sound tired and old to you, but you should mind the good old "show, don't tell" as well. Instead of telling us that the Empire is ruthless, and that they inspire fear, try illustrating it. What makes them ruthless? A well-placed and very short anecdote could've sent shivers down a reader's spine ("I once heard that when Planet X tried destroying their food depots to fend off the oppressors, the imperial soldiers were ordered to eat the fallen; soldiers, women and children alike" or something like that - you can probably think of something much better).
Same with Venris. A description of his straight back and square face, not used to showing emotion, would make his fear come off much stronger than the non-descriptive "Very few things could make his companion show fear".
In general: When describing something, be specific. Use examples and metaphors. You want to evoke pictures in a reader's mind, not inform them of facts.
You're definitely not the worst at this, but it's still something to keep in mind.

Also, I like the use of children in the last paragraph. For some reason, I really like the little "which spark their imaginations" bit. It can't be nice pictures their minds conjure up.

Hope some of this was useful :smallsmile: