Awful Puns [Archive] - Giant in the Playground Forums

Admiral Squish

2012-01-28, 03:05 PM

My dad loves puns. I will probably be back here several times.

Recent conversation about tiny spaces:
"Maybe a loft bed would work.."
"You know, having to go up and down a ladder to get to bed is good for the soul."
"What?"
"Well, I hear a lot of monasteries use bunk beds, so there's gotta be a connection."
"Oh, god..."
"I mean, if they spend enough time there, going up and down ladders every day... They might just become LADDER-DAY SAINTS!"

I had to resist the urge to kill him, seeing as he was driving.

The Succubus

2012-01-28, 03:38 PM

Paging Death, your friend the reaper to this thread...

Goosefeather

2012-01-28, 07:52 PM

"Well, I hear a lot of monasteries use bunk beds, so there's gotta be a connection."

Would those then be called 'monk-beds'? :smalltongue:

enderlord99

2012-01-28, 08:57 PM

I have this unbearable feeling that I just used a joke that is very cliche when on this forum, but I think i'll make you search for it yourself (shouldn't be too hard).

stevenboats

2012-01-28, 09:16 PM

Monks, our brothers in psalms.

Goosefeather

2012-01-28, 10:17 PM

Rector? I hardly knew her, officer!

If nun of you found that funny, tough luck, cos I could keep this up for Reverend ever!

Hiro Protagonest

2012-01-28, 10:43 PM

Rector? I hardly knew her, officer!

There's a couple like that in one scene of one of my favorite TV shows, Corner Gas (best TV comedy writing in years. Ran for six seasons, believe it ended in 2006. Hardly saw it on TV, but I bought all the seasons).

"What if we played Twister?"
"Twister? I hardly know 'er!"
"Or maybe Euchre?"
"Euchre? I just met 'er!"
"Or maybe Charades?"
"Charades? I hate Charades!"
"Good thing I didn't say Poker."

Grinner

2012-01-28, 11:10 PM

The single greatest display of wordplay to ever grace international television.

Pun Times with Punsie McHale - Part 1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPZ7rNTvxSs)

Pun Times with Punsie McHale - Part 2 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dX38mGW30xU)

twinkletoes

2012-01-28, 11:12 PM

Very PUNny!:smallannoyed:

Goosefeather

2012-01-28, 11:13 PM

Heh, I'll have to check it out!

Though to be honest I adapted it from somewhere slightly closer to home (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0265.html)!

Rectum, rector, close enough! Though apparently they do stem from the same Latin word, regere. I shall be making no childish inferences from this. Honest...

@Scotchland - We are punworthy! Those clips are jest incredible... but joke-ant just rest on your laurels; are you quip enough to keep up? Though I might be punderestimating you...

missmvicious

2012-01-29, 06:52 AM

The Ghandi Pun:

Ghandhi walked everywhere barefoot, which gave him very leathery feet. And he went on hunger strikes, which left him emaciated and gave him brittle bones, and sour, sulfuric breath. Still, with his spirituality and wisdom, he has served as an inspirational role-model the world over and through the generations.

What can this all mean? He was a:

Super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-with-halitosis!

:smallbiggrin:

Eat your heart out, Marry Poppins. :smalltongue:

dehro

2012-01-29, 07:00 AM

They might just become LADDER-DAY SAINTS!"

I had to resist the urge to kill him, seeing as he was driving.
you can just see the wheels of his brain turning to find a way to create the right set up for this pun. had me laughing, anyway.

and that's why I ask..what's an awful pun? one that isn't funny?
one that is but is forced? one that is actually really good? obscure?

missmvicious

2012-01-29, 12:29 PM

Got another one for you. I hope you like it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI

IrnBruAddict

2012-01-29, 03:09 PM

Loved the One Ronnie one

The World's Greatest Pun (about the French Navy) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wVrq6K9LpI&list=FLYy0i1Xr8VkMZf27npKbOLw&index=11&feature=plpp_video)

Castaras

2012-01-29, 03:18 PM

Death, I summon thee! Come and attack this thread with your great punnery might, so that we lesser purveyors of puns may learn mighty things!

A Rainy Knight

2012-01-29, 03:21 PM

You called for me? :smallwink:

Anyways, one day, a tribal chieftain decided that his massive grass hut simply wasn't cutting it in grandeur anymore, so he ordered his subjects to build him a stone throne. That was well and good for a while, but he grew tired of it eventually and demanded a throne of silver, storing his old throne up in the attic. But he then grew tired of the silver throne, and demanded a golden throne. Naturally, he grew tired of this throne and demanded an entirely gem-encrusted throne, but one day, all the thrones he had stored up in the attic burst through the grass floor and landed on top of him, killing him instantly. The moral? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

AtlanteanTroll

2012-01-29, 03:28 PM

Tragic Comedian is pretty bad with puns.

We were talking about how last night I had been playing Chinese-hot-hands till my hands bled and there was a big crowd cheering me and the other guy on and how it was in general awesome.

His response? "That sounds awesome, I gotta hand it to you."

blackfox

2012-01-29, 03:33 PM

Death, I summon thee! Come and attack this thread with your great punnery might, so that we lesser purveyors of puns may learn mighty things!Someone should get Rutskarn in here too.

enderlord99

2012-01-29, 03:38 PM

What do you get when you take an omnipotent kobold and cut it in half?:smalltongue:

dehro

2012-01-29, 05:29 PM

What do you get when you take an omnipotent kobold and cut it in half?:smalltongue:

I'll bite...what do you get?

enderlord99

2012-01-29, 05:42 PM

I'll bite...what do you get?

It depends. What does half a hyphen sound like?

Seriously, the answer to that was supposed to be obvious.

The only omnipotent kobold I've ever seen was named Pun-pun, soo...

Thufir

2012-01-29, 05:46 PM

Well, me and Koorli had a bit of a pun-battle in one of the RB threads. Started... here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=7767184#post7767184). Just follow the exchange between me and Curly through page 23. I think Eldpollard chipped in one or two as well.
(Obviously I understand if you can't be bothered to go through that, but equally I can't be bothered to copy and paste all the puns)

ThePhantasm

2012-01-29, 05:56 PM

Why does Gollum say "my precious" over and over?

Its a bad hobbit.

LOTR puns! That's what I'm Tolkien about!

Goosefeather

2012-01-29, 06:17 PM

Why does Gollum say "my precious" over and over?

Its a bad hobbit.

LOTR puns! That's what I'm Tolkien about!

He should be careful, bad hobbits can damage your elf.

Marillion

2012-01-29, 06:20 PM

You know what they say. A good pun is its own reword.

Ravens_cry

2012-01-29, 11:00 PM

You know what they say. A good pun is its own reword.
That's not terrible, that, that's beautiful!
Forgive me for I have sinned, I made what may be the worst pun of my life today.
In a D&D session, another player decided to send a traumatized NPC to a kindly priest for some counselling. The other players wondered if this would help and I said, I am sorry, I don't know what came over me, we'd being making Star Trek jokes earlier, but it still doesn't excuse this, but nonetheless, I said . . .
"Well, at least you Troi-ed."
And much was the groaning, and waling and gnashing of teeth.

Riverdance

2012-01-29, 11:03 PM

This one is courtesy of Colin Mochrie.

News Bulletin:
A group of monks was arrested today for selling flowers outside the playboy mansion. Said one monk, "With anyone else it would have been fine but Hef came out to see if we had a vendors permit and when we didn't he called the cops"
The moral of the story: Only Hugh can stop florist friars.

dehro

2012-01-29, 11:21 PM

somewhere on the Avatar thread I said that earth-bending rocks.

Hiro Protagonest

2012-01-29, 11:25 PM

somewhere on the Avatar thread I said that earth-bending rocks.

I said (half-jokingly) that firebending is hot. :smalltongue: Or was it that firebenders are hot? Considering the show's track record...

Waterbending is cool. :smallcool:

Airbending is... I got nothin'. :smallfrown:

Ravens_cry

2012-01-29, 11:27 PM

I said (half-jokingly) that firebending is hot. :smalltongue: Or was it that firebenders are hot? Considering the show's track record...

Waterbending is cool. :smallcool:

Airbending is... I got nothin'. :smallfrown:
It's a gas, my friend, it's a gas.:smallamused:

Kumori

2012-01-29, 11:43 PM

Have a read through this, if you haven't seen it already:

http://www.collegehumor.com/upick/6694928/text-puns

Goosefeather

2012-01-30, 12:19 AM

It's a gas, my friend, it's a gas.:smallamused:

Airbending is a breeze. Obviously :smalltongue:

dehro

2012-01-30, 03:16 AM

Airbending is a breeze. Obviously :smalltongue:

you win the avatar game

Mercenary Pen

2012-01-30, 04:58 AM

That's not terrible, that, that's beautiful!
Forgive me for I have sinned, I made what may be the worst pun of my life today.
In a D&D session, another player decided to send a traumatized NPC to a kindly priest for some counselling. The other players wondered if this would help and I said, I am sorry, I don't know what came over me, we'd being making Star Trek jokes earlier, but it still doesn't excuse this, but nonetheless, I said . . .
"Well, at least you Troi-ed."
And much was the groaning, and waling and gnashing of teeth.

Well, if it wasn't bad enough that they had to Klingon for dear life, I think you're probably okay, it may have just phasered them a bit.

Deth Muncher

2012-01-30, 06:05 AM

I actually judged a pun competition a few weeks ago. The guy who won won with a rather naughty pun, which I will replicate here under a spoiler tag.

The way the competition worked, we'd give the contestants a theme, and then they'd make a pun based off of it. The theme in the final round was "TV Characters."

His pun:
I don't know if you know my name, but a lot of my ex-girlfriends know me as Beaver Cleaver.

Let that one sink in for a minute. And then cry.

Ravens_cry

2012-01-30, 06:07 AM

Well, if it wasn't bad enough that they had to Klingon for dear life, I think you're probably okay, it may have just phasered them a bit.
Yes, but it goes against my personal pun policy of not warping words.

Bit Fiend

2012-01-30, 08:50 AM

Still my fav. (http://www.eatliver.com/img/2010/6088.jpg)

The Succubus

2012-01-30, 09:12 AM

Reminds of this time I went to a bar.

As I walked in, this really weird scene was in front of me. There was a somewhat unhappy barman glaring at a figure dressed like something from Arabian Nights. Turban, curly toed sandals, the works. I could also hear music coming from somewhere and it turned out to be a very small man playing a miniture piano.

Ignoring him for the moment, I turn to the guy in the outlandish outfit, "What are you dressed like that for?"

"What?"

"WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE THAT?"

The man takes a bow. "I am a genie, my friend. Ask for what you will and it shall be yours."

Being the sceptical sort and not wanting to push my luck, I ask for something relatively minor. "I'd like a hundred pounds please."

"What?"

"I'd like a hundred pounds please!"

"Pardon?"

"I'D LIKE A HUNDRED QUID!"

The genie waves his hands and FWOOM! I'm suddenly buried under a pile of tentacles. "What the hell did you do that for?!"

The barman turns to me. "Do you think I asked for a 10-inch pianist?"

Debbie_D

2012-01-30, 02:44 PM

Why does Gollum say "my precious" over and over?

Its a bad hobbit.

LOTR puns! That's what I'm Tolkien about!

Well I'm gladriel you think that's funny, but my favourite bird is still a smea-gull...
what high school program did aragorn want to go to?....uruk-hai...
and theres got to be a leggo joke out there with lego-las

Maralais

2012-01-30, 03:43 PM

It's a gas, my friend, it's a gas.:smallamused:

Then I guess you could say...

Airbending is aghast.

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Androgeus

2012-01-30, 04:24 PM

You could say I'm a bit of a pundit. Though they are generally quite bad and I should be punished for them.

Mukora

2012-01-30, 04:53 PM

What do you call a person that makes bad jokes on the evening news?
A pundit.

Spoiling for length: An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, and a Norwegian walk into a fine restaurant....
"I'm sorry, " says the maître d', scrutinizing the group one by one and barring their entrance, "you can't come in here without a Thai. "

So, apparently there's going to be a sequel to 999. This time, they're upping it to Ten Hours, Ten People, Ten Doors. There's also apparently some scandal about a scene with full-frontal nudity.
The title of this sequel? XXX

Yeah, everyone saw that coming, and it is really bad and likely not original, but... I had to post it.

Goosefeather

2012-01-30, 04:56 PM

Then I guess you could say...

Airbending is aghast.

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

:smallconfused: I don't get it...
Maybe because I've never actually seen the show in question, but where's the link between controlling air currents and being struck with sudden overwhelming shock or horror?

On topic, for properly cheesy puns you really can't beat a good Bond one-liner (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtkFmufS6k8).

NinjaStylerobot

2012-01-30, 05:03 PM

Dominic deegan.

Nothing like suicide puns to make you feel better.

Yora

2012-01-30, 05:11 PM

Yeah, they got a lot.

http://www.dominic-deegan.com/comics/20050514.gif

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/math_paper.png

NinjaStylerobot

2012-01-31, 05:27 AM

And their thrown around with no care to things like mood atmosphere, tone and care.

Vacant

2012-01-31, 05:35 AM

Caesar walks into a bar and orders a martinus.

Nibleswick

2012-01-31, 06:26 AM

I should warn you, these are a little bit corny. (http://www.gronkcomic.com/?p=220)

stevenboats

2012-01-31, 06:37 AM

Have any of you guys rode a horse before? They're really quite stable.

Ravens_cry

2012-01-31, 07:00 AM

Have any of you guys rode a horse before? They're really quite stable.
I don't know, they make me horse, saddles one with a major, on going responsibility, so I don't think it is worth it to pony up that kind of cash. But hay, it's your business; I'm not trying to create a straw-man here.
I must bridle my natural instincts and let you tack-le this bit on your own.

Goosefeather

2012-01-31, 01:30 PM

I don't know, they make me horse, saddles one with a major, on going responsibility, so I don't think it is worth it to pony up that kind of cash. But hay, it's your business; I'm not trying to create a straw-man here.
I must bridle my natural instincts and let you tack-le this bit on your own.

He was only asking, no need to keep riding him like that!

Though personally, I wouldn't want a horse either, I imagine it'd be a bit of a 'mare to look after - and actually riding it is out of th'equestrian!

Ravens_cry

2012-01-31, 01:36 PM

He was only asking, no need to keep riding him like that!

Though personally, I wouldn't want a horse either, I imagine it'd be a bit of a 'mare to look after - and actually riding it is out of th'equestrian!
I guess I could have had a bit more tack-t, but I've never been one to take neigh for an answer.

Asta Kask

2012-01-31, 01:37 PM

If the Doctor appeared in Equestria, would he be called Dr. Whoof?

Goosefeather

2012-01-31, 01:58 PM

I canter prove such dire punning.

Debbie_D

2012-01-31, 01:59 PM

Why is it so hard to find Sauron?

Because every time you think youve found him, theres always one more door

Asta Kask

2012-01-31, 02:02 PM

I canter prove such dire punning.

If two girl ponies fall in love, is that filly-al love?
What about if they're old enough to mare-y?

Goosefeather

2012-01-31, 02:02 PM

Why is it so hard to find Sauron?

Because every time you think youve found him, theres always one more door

On the other hand, Harry Potter is easy to find.

He's always behind the griffin door.

If two girl ponies fall in love, is that filly-al love?
What about if they're old enough to mare-y?

As long as they don't bridle at the vows: 'foal better or foal worse, foal richer or foal poorer', etc.

Kurgan

2012-01-31, 09:56 PM

On the other hand, Harry Potter is easy to find.

He's always behind the griffin door.

Just watch out, I hear there are lots of dark wizards slitherin' underfoot.

As long as they don't bridle at the vows: 'foal better or foal worse, foal richer or foal poorer', etc.

Yeah, you cannot recanter those, once those vows are made, it is a dun deal as far as the pasture is concerned, whether you scream yourself horse or not. Unless you press for a di-horse at least.

Xondoure

2012-01-31, 10:34 PM

This particular text made me feel like a Smooth Criminal...

Tonight's episode better be a Thriller. Glee has been really Black and White recently and they have a lot to earn back. They need to take a hard look at the Man in the Mirror and get back to their ABCs. The last episode was just so Bad. Hopefully the show will remember "oh right, Somebody is Watching Me" or Beat It. Because at this point I'm only giving it One More Chance.

Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll

2012-01-31, 10:38 PM

I am reminded by one of Em's statuses on facebook. The entire status was comment after comment of Nazi puns. Not sure if I could post'em here though...

Goosefeather

2012-01-31, 11:20 PM

I just remembered a series of films (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W50L4UPfWsg)containg some of the greatest puns (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KS2khYJZKwA&feature=related) ever.

Also can't forget this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0A5t5_O8hdA) gem.

And you can't go wrong with some visual punnage (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKWoI6ivRyw).

Stephen Fry's definition of the word 'countryside deserves some mention, too.
'Countryside', the killing of Piers Morgan

Dexam

2012-02-01, 12:05 AM

If two girl ponies fall in love, is that filly-al love?
What about if they're old enough to mare-y?

Well, if they're sharing the same abode I think we can assume that it's a stable relationship.

Also, I am quite proud of this (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=11850855&postcount=389). I probably shouldn't be. :smalltongue:

dehro

2012-02-01, 07:32 AM

I am reminded of the 1998 football world cup where the English team had a bet going that they'd be able to work as many song-titles in their live interviews as they could
like so (http://www.sportscomet.com/2006-FIFA-World-Cup/124080.htm)

Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll

2012-02-01, 07:56 PM

My dinner conversation.

*argument over who's better at sewing patches onto things*

Sister: Oh yeah, want to bet?

Me: No, China has it.

*awkward silence as everyone attempts to figure out the pun*
*Sister bursts our laughing, and falls out of chair*
*one by one, everyone falls out of chair as they finally get pun*

Hiro Protagonest

2012-02-01, 09:35 PM

Although I've never seen the show, I have this sense that the overly-cute-horse-cartoon-thing is full of these. As well as unnecessary singing. I just... know... somehow:smallconfused:

No, it's not. No puns AFAIK, and no singing except when Pinkie Pie shows up.

Zocelot

2012-02-04, 03:19 PM

How did Vikings send messages over longs distances?

Norse Code

dehro

2012-02-04, 05:24 PM

I suppose you all know the explanation as to why Diarrhea is a hereditary disease?
it runs in your jeans

super dark33

2012-02-05, 01:04 PM

My turn!

Peoples in those forums dont troll.

Thats because they hack and flame.

and anouter one:

I used to fight dragons, but i grow over it.

Balain

2012-02-06, 10:11 PM

Some friends were over many years ago. When one light bulb went, while changing the bulb,one friend said something like, "good thing you didn't lick the socket."

The rest oaf us started to reply with things like

That would be revolting

That was just shocking you would think of that

The Second

2012-02-09, 10:18 PM

To lick a light socket would indeed be revolting, though I might have amps-erd differently because while the voltage may be shocking, the amps 're what will kill you.

Though that bunch of puns was electric, I'd be bananas if I didn't also point out that sticking your tongue in a light socket may lead to tingling peelings.

What a grape cluster of puns that was too! I'm sure everyone reading them is just jelly!

But I'd better stop now as any more punning may lead to a cocktail of punishments.

Capt Spanner

2012-02-10, 08:16 AM