God i feel geeky for doing this

[Kyberwulf]

But, here it goes.
I just recently had my heartbroken. I don't know how to deal with it. She says its over but she still loves me. It just feels wrong. Like she left me for all the wrong reasons. I still feel like we are still us.

The thing is, she kept asking for more time. More time for herself. I understood that she need it. The space, and time. Her life was very stressful, lots of things going on. I just don't understand how come she had to take the time away from us, instead of one of the other areas of her life. I get everything, I understand. I just can't let the fact that it was me, she choose to exclude. I can see, how she would ask me. She probably thought she could ask me for the time and space. I know I should of backed off and just let her be alone for awhile. I just couldn't let go though.

How can you let go of someone when you feel they are leaving you for good?

She told me I used to mean freedom. But latly, for awhile, I turned into Guilt, Obligation and something else. I just don't understand how I could change like that. It couldn't have all just been me right?

I don't understand anything anymore. I just feel empty and alone.

I don't even know why i am posting on here.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Check out the Relationship Woes and Advice thread. :smallsmile:

[grimbold]

*hugs*
it happens bro,
don't worry,
one day your princess will come

[Kyberwulf]

Pfft, i dont want a princess, this chick was a pirate...
a good one.

[Crow]

Going to sound horrible, but here it goes...

Live life for yourself. Fill your cup until it is brimming. Don't expect someone to fill your cup while they are still trying to fill theirs.

Find somebody who shares some of your interests, but has some of their own. Choosing a significant other is like seasoning a gourmet meal. You want spices that compliment the dish rather than overpower it, and when your spice isn't in the cupboard, the meal is still delicious by it's own merits.

I feel for you, but this will pass, and you'll be the better for it.

[Weezer]

Your description, oddly enough, sounds very much like a relationship I left a couple months ago. In my case, however, I was the one who broke it off. The girl I was dating kept cutting back what we were doing together because too much was going on, was too stressed. It was fine at the start but eventually my stance shifted, summed up perfectly by your sentence: "I just don't understand how come she had to take the time away from us, instead of one of the other areas of her life."

My take away lesson from this? If the person you are dating is not invested enough in your relationship to put the relationship ahead of other things, then it can't be a serious relationship. It can certainly fit the bill as a fun and casual relationship, but if one party is constantly compromising on the relationship it can't work as something serious. It honestly seems like the two of you were looking for something completely different in the relationship and that is hard to overcome.

You have all my sympathy, I've been right where you are and it's horrific *hug*.


And turning to the forum for help isn't geeky, it's smart, Giantitp is a great place for this kind of thing.

[Kyberwulf]

lol >.<' i feel the need to defend.

She had reasons, Very important reasons. School, taking care her kid. Her time was .. she was being pulled in different directions.

I was indeed readinf the Other topic. The one about relationship woes and stuff.. and someone posted a topic. It made me realize something. Its weird how it worked out.

It just sucks.. not having a real villian in this relationship. Someone i can point that and saying it was all someones fault

One of the problems, i have is i chase too hard apperently. i ask for to much. Its a common theme aperently. Its something my exes.. all of them have said about me when they break up with me. Apperently i am awesome, but sometime along the line i just get. smoothering or something.

I think thats another thing thats bothering me. I thought i was doing a good job this time. Not being smoothering. Not bieng that guy. I don't know HOW it changes. They start to pull away, and i start chasing, and holding on to tight. I don't know, it feels like i find the girls that just don't want anything more then causal.

[Kyberwulf]

Bah, She was a Pirate, i am a ninja.
I shoulda seen something coming.

[Crow]

Here you go! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJtf7R_oVaw&ob=av2n)

[Kyberwulf]

I perfer http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvdQ12w_fxc&feature=fvsr or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9kZqpsmJgA&feature=related

lol i think i did it right

[Telonius]

But, here it goes.
I just recently had my heartbroken. I don't know how to deal with it. She says its over but she still loves me. It just feels wrong. Like she left me for all the wrong reasons. I still feel like we are still us.

The thing is, she kept asking for more time. More time for herself. I understood that she need it. The space, and time. Her life was very stressful, lots of things going on. I just don't understand how come she had to take the time away from us, instead of one of the other areas of her life. I get everything, I understand. I just can't let the fact that it was me, she choose to exclude. I can see, how she would ask me. She probably thought she could ask me for the time and space. I know I should of backed off and just let her be alone for awhile. I just couldn't let go though.

How can you let go of someone when you feel they are leaving you for good?

She told me I used to mean freedom. But latly, for awhile, I turned into Guilt, Obligation and something else. I just don't understand how I could change like that. It couldn't have all just been me right?

I don't understand anything anymore. I just feel empty and alone.

I don't even know why i am posting on here.

"Couldn't have all just been me?" - Might have been all you, all her, or anything in between. One thing I've learned is that arguing over the precise percentage of blame is totally useless. There's no answer to that question, and even if you found one it wouldn't be worth the arguments you'd have to go through to get to it.

She's decided the relationship is done, and you've got to respect that decision. It's harsh, it might be a little brutal, but there's no getting around it. The first few days are going to suck. You're going to feel terrible, and you're allowed to. Don't do anything rash - including (but not limited to) rebound sex, binge drinking, joining a monastery, enlisting, or standing outside her house holding a boom box playing "your song" as loud as possible. (That only works in the movies).

I will say again: the first few days will suck. But then, either all of a sudden or gradually, it won't suck. I'm going to guess you were a halfway-decent person with a halfway-decent life before you met her. You still are now that it's over.

Best of luck to you, man.

[Kyberwulf]

i just .. .realized something today.. like this second.

I would make the arguement, that she didn't spend enough time with me. She took that to mean,... time like an minute by minute... or hour by hour.

when what i meant was.

When we first got together, we would spend .. time together. I would get the feeling, that i was helping her... i could literally Feel the stress coming off her shoulders. After awhile, it stopped feeling that way. I just starting being... just. I don't know the word for it.

It felt like i just started being another source of stress,.. instead of being a place a solace, somehow i turned into another source of ...

i don't know how to say it. not without, making it sound like it was her fault or mine.
i started missing that feeling.. of her coming to me for solitude. that time where she would come unwind with me.

i kept asking for that time. but i messed up my meaning. She kept thinking i meant ... i want like, three hours a day or else.
I suck with words, and expressing emotion. trying to tell people of my point of view.

i apologise, i am not.. looking for a pat on the back, or sympathies,...i appriciate them. but i need a place where i can just... express my emotions. clear my head and think. if you want to offer comments, or suggestings, i would like them. as i try to learn a life lesson to this.

I am trying to.. get to a place where i can be friends with her, and not ... just center my thoughts on the question of why.
i hate this.. when i am not with her, i can be who i need to be. to just be friends. but when shes around, all i feel is hurt.

another problem, this might be all in my head. But when we talk, its like i can feel this wall between us. even before the break up, i could sense this .. distance. She said it was cuase i was just pressing to hard. Demanding to much. when i jsut couldn't say the right words, to express my feelings.

[Crow]

I perfer http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvdQ12w_fxc&feature=fvsr or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9kZqpsmJgA&feature=related

lol i think i did it right

If I was trying to get over a breakup, I'd start by never listening to this stuff again, lol!

My submission was more directed as friendly advice for your next relationship.

[Devils_Advocate]

i apologise, i am not.. looking for a pat on the back, or sympathies,...i appriciate them. but i need a place where i can just... express my emotions. clear my head and think. if you want to offer comments, or suggestings, i would like them. as i try to learn a life lesson to this.
No apologies necessary! But if you'd like some brutally honest opinions on some things, with the disclaimer that I don't really know what I'm talking about and might be completely wrong, I can totes provide some!

On the other hand, in case you don't want to read a bunch of brutal honesty, I have colored a key insight blue. I really feel like it is a pretty good and relevant insight.


I just don't understand how come she had to take the time away from us, instead of one of the other areas of her life.
What would "time for herself" mean in this context if not time away from you? It sounds like she was essentially saying that in smaller doses you'd be tolerable or maybe even enjoyable again. Which I guess can be a pretty hard sentiment to accept? It certainly doesn't sound promising.


It just sucks.. not having a real villian in this relationship. Someone i can point that and saying it was all someones fault
This sounds kind of like a false dichotomy between blame and fatalism. Like you're saying that if things could have worked out if someone had done something differently, that means that someone must have done something wrong. Causal responsibility does not necessarily equate to moral responsibility.

Of course, the above assumes that you're trying to figure out what went wrong so that you can fix things or do things better next time, rather than simply wishing to assign blame for the sake of assigning blame. If not... then I advise you to try to figure out what went wrong so that you can fix things or do things better next time, and to not try to simply assign blame for the sake of assigning blame. :smalltongue:


I don't know, it feels like i find the girls that just don't want anything more then causal.
Have you tried specifically seeking out women interested in... something less casual? (I'm not completely sure what "casual" is the antonym to here. "Serious"? "Involved"? "Long-term"? Whatever you unmean by "casual" is what I mean here.)


i started missing that feeling.. of her coming to me for solitude. that time where she would come unwind with me.
The trick to feeling like a source of solace rather than obligation is probably to not ask for anything.


i kept asking for that time. but i messed up my meaning. She kept thinking i meant ... i want like, three hours a day or else.
People will tend to assume that you mean what you say. Tell someone that she's not spending enough time with you, and she'll think you want more time. That's not really a misinterpretation on her part; that's her taking what you say at face value.


I suck with words, and expressing emotion. trying to tell people of my point of view.
Maybe it's better to hold off on trying to communicate your feelings until you've found an adequate description of them?


She said it was cuase i was just pressing to hard. Demanding to much. when i jsut couldn't say the right words, to express my feelings.
Your feelings being your disappointment that she didn't feel the same way about you as she did before?

Look, I don't know if this is any consolation, but I'm not so sure that being able to communicate that would have been sufficient to salvage this relationship. She probably wished that she could go back to feeling positively about you too! That is probably what she was hoping to accomplish by spending less time with you. So that she didn't feel smothered. If just willing herself to feel better about you would have made her actually feel better, then there probably wouldn't have been a problem; she probably did so will.

Because, to state the obvious here, emotions are frequently involuntary. We don't have complete direct control over them. If we did, you wouldn't have to deal with heartbreak. You could just be all "I don't like feeling bad about this. So I'm gonna go and be happy instead! On the count of three: One, two, three, GO! Wow, that's much better. :smallsmile:" If only it were so easy.

Still, one can attempt to influence one's emotions, even just through one's thoughts. For example, maybe recognizing that "I'm nothing without you" is a messed-up sentiment (http://xkcd.com/449/) could help you to get over this. "I don't have any good reason to feel any worse about being single than I did before we were dating" might be a good mantra. (And if being single consistently makes you miserable, then that might be something to work on. Indeed, part of your problem may be that it's hard not to seem needy when you are needy.)

Disclaimer: I don't really know what I'm talking about and might be completely wrong.

[Sturmcrow]

But, here it goes.
I just recently had my heartbroken. I don't know how to deal with it. She says its over but she still loves me. It just feels wrong. Like she left me for all the wrong reasons. I still feel like we are still us.

The thing is, she kept asking for more time. More time for herself. I understood that she need it. The space, and time. Her life was very stressful, lots of things going on. I just don't understand how come she had to take the time away from us, instead of one of the other areas of her life. I get everything, I understand. I just can't let the fact that it was me, she choose to exclude. I can see, how she would ask me. She probably thought she could ask me for the time and space. I know I should of backed off and just let her be alone for awhile. I just couldn't let go though.

How can you let go of someone when you feel they are leaving you for good?

She told me I used to mean freedom. But latly, for awhile, I turned into Guilt, Obligation and something else. I just don't understand how I could change like that. It couldn't have all just been me right?

I don't understand anything anymore. I just feel empty and alone.

I don't even know why i am posting on here.

I imagine you are posting to find comfort, connection, someone that understands.

I was with a woman for the majority of 10 years, two weeks after the 10 year anniversary of saying I love you to each other I caught her starting a relationship with another man.

Later she told me she still loved me and cared for me, just not in love with me. She told me several times the night we talked that she just needed time to think. She had me wait around a couple extra hours only to tell me no, she was done and that it was over.

Worse we have had several liaisons starting three weeks after we broke up. Last Friday she told me she needed space.

It hurts. And no one can tell you it doesn't. This is bad perhaps coming from me as I am having so much trouble doing the same. Let go. Move on. Even if you still love her, just live your life. Take the advice my Aunt gave me. Each day you get out of bed and go to work (go to school/do something productive) is a successful day.

Maybe some day things will be different. But the best you can do for yourself is take care of yourself and show her that you are not going to sit there and feel sad.

[Suentis]

As a man who went through more relationships than I care to discuss, let me tell you step number one I learned.

Stop.

Just Stop.

Stop focusing on it. Stop trying to dissect it. Stop trying to find blame and fault. At this exact moment it does not matter what you did or she did, what matters is the moment you are in. I know it is easier said than done, but if you keep focusing on it you will only drive yourself insane. It's not easy going from a relationship that you were invested in to no longer being in one, but it is what it is.

I won't tell you what to do to stop from thinking about it, you know what works best for you, but do it.

So in summary:

Stop thinking

Go do something else

[Indurain]

Okay, so I'm going to play the bad guy here, and maybe my opinion is not welcome at this point, in which case please let me know and I'll leave this thread forever.

But...it's probably your fault.

There comes a point (often more than one) where one person in a relationship needs to take time and assess their situation, decide if the person they're with is worth their time, effort and yes, stress. Often this manifests itself by telling the other partner they need space.

It sounds like she asked for this space, and instead of giving it to her, you became obsessed with self-doubt. "What did I do wrong, why is she pulling away, how do I make it better?" And from the sounds of things, you started to ask her these questions, pushing your own self-doubt onto her, giving her more things to think about. This resulted in her pulling further away, and you continuing to chase her around trying to help, but ultimately making yourself the source of this discomfort. And in the end, you left her with no choice but to leave.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I've been on both ends of the above situation (and I did the same thing you did the first time), and the best advice I can give, is when someone asks for time and space...GIVE IT TO THEM. Maybe she would have come back and said she was ready to take the relationship to the next level (Again, pretty common after times of self-reflection)...or she'd come back and break it off anyway. By pushing and becoming obsessed, you just made sure she chose the latter option.

In summary, relationships are stressful and you probably did stress her out (not necessarily a bad thing...it means she cared). But when your partner asks for space and time, it's best to give it to them. Let them know you are there if they need anything, but don't force yourself on them during this time.

I know this probably doesn't help how you're feeling now, but I hope you'll keep this in mind moving forward, when you do find yourself someone who will make you truly happy, and appreciate your clingy self! (Trust me, there are girls who LOOOOOOOOVE a clingy guy!)

[Crow]

Okay, so I'm going to play the bad guy here, and maybe my opinion is not welcome at this point, in which case please let me know and I'll leave this thread forever.

But...it's probably your fault.

There comes a point (often more than one) where one person in a relationship needs to take time and assess their situation, decide if the person they're with is worth their time, effort and yes, stress. Often this manifests itself by telling the other partner they need space.

It sounds like she asked for this space, and instead of giving it to her, you became obsessed with self-doubt. "What did I do wrong, why is she pulling away, how do I make it better?" And from the sounds of things, you started to ask her these questions, pushing your own self-doubt onto her, giving her more things to think about. This resulted in her pulling further away, and you continuing to chase her around trying to help, but ultimately making yourself the source of this discomfort. And in the end, you left her with no choice but to leave.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I've been on both ends of the above situation (and I did the same thing you did the first time), and the best advice I can give, is when someone asks for time and space...GIVE IT TO THEM. Maybe she would have come back and said she was ready to take the relationship to the next level (Again, pretty common after times of self-reflection)...or she'd come back and break it off anyway. By pushing and becoming obsessed, you just made sure she chose the latter option.

In summary, relationships are stressful and you probably did stress her out (not necessarily a bad thing...it means she cared). But when your partner asks for space and time, it's best to give it to them. Let them know you are there if they need anything, but don't force yourself on them during this time.

I know this probably doesn't help how you're feeling now, but I hope you'll keep this in mind moving forward, when you do find yourself someone who will make you truly happy, and appreciate your clingy self! (Trust me, there are girls who LOOOOOOOOVE a clingy guy!)

Pretty much the nice way of saying what I wanted to say. I was only able to say it with a youtube clip of 'Hold on Loosely' though! :smallsmile:

[Kyberwulf]

I have been busy, staying out doing things. So far, its not really helping. I realise that I don't have to be, but i still feel guilty when i try talk to other girls. Or when i am out with my friends. Its not like i am focusing on missing her, and deliberatly try to sabotage my times out. It just comes at me all at once, something said or heard.
We talked on the phone a couple times. I hear her voice. I hear something in it sometimes. A tone that makes me think, she is wanting me to ask her. Wanting me to be the one to ask first. I talked to a friend about it. She told me she could be just needing someone to talk to, and is happy to have someone to talk to about all the things going on in her life. I think thats part of it. The other part of me, is wondering.
I still havn't told a majority of my friends about our break-up. Mostly cause i don't want to hear the "I told you so's," or worse yet, feel their sympathies. The biggest concern is prolly, when I tell my friends. It truely means we are over. Heh, I think they know already though.
I know the first response to this is to tell me not do do it, but i already know that. I feel like just ..getting into the car and driving to be with her again. Just to meet one more time. That that time will be the one time it works. I know thats just the product of all the romance movies i watched. But its what i feel like doing nonetheless.
The one thing i want to say to her, is i am sorry i made you feel like i wasnt happy with you. That you weren't ever good enough. I am sorry i made you feel like you where my only source of good times. I am sorry it felt like i was judging you.
Why do all my relationships end like that?
It starts off, Me being like the perfect guy. I don't get it, lolz cause it starts off me not giving a **** about anything. Just out to have a good time.
Meh, thats a whole can'o'worms i don't want to get into
I guess, the main question that is swirling around my head. Is. How do I become okay, with the thought of giving up the possiblities of being with her?
She was the first person i thought of in terms of years.Such as, what will We be doing in 1 year .. or 3. Its an odd feeling. To be thinking about christmas gifts, valentine's day gifts and birthday gifts that far in advance lol. I know give it time is gonna be the first response. Thats kinda of a non helpful answer. Its like saying .. put a band-aid on that knife wound. lol.. "walk it off" to a broken leg. I SUPPOSE, that means i should go see some kinda of professional. >.< but thats to expensive... considering if i ever broke my leg irl *knock on wood* i would prolly put off going to the emergancy room >.>
I know enough first aid to set me leg
LOL .. how does that saying go, A man who treats himself has a fool for a doctor lol.
I have become more comfertable with the idea of moving on. The main question is, Is it okay for me to say no to seeing her again if she asks for it at some point later on? Is that to chilidish? I know the answers are no, she made her choice, and has to live with it. lol How do I live with her choice.

Like i said before, this is mostly a place where i am just putting down my thoughts and feelings so i don't have to bug her or have them going around and around in my head. I welcome thoughs and advie if you have them, but not just meaningless cliche advice. such as, give it time, Get over it,i been there. Those sayings arn't nearly helpful as you think. Indurain, I thank you for your words. they gave me alot to think about.

[Sturmcrow]

There is nothing childish in saying no. My ex tried to hug me (again) when I went to pick up stuff and I knew I just couldn't handle it so I told her no, she looked hurt but I had to protect myself. Same for you.

If seeing her right now would be to much for you there is nothing wrong with telling her you will not.

Just try to take each day at a time. I know how hard it can be adjusting to a life without someone. Every little detail of my life is intricately wrapped up with her but eventually the little reminders will start to fade. You will build new memories.

[Cyrion]

Sturmcrow is right in saying that there's nothing wrong with saying no. In fact, that's probably the absolute best thing you can do at the moment. I've been fortunate that almost all of my break-ups have been amicable, and I can still be friends with most of my exes. However, before we could be friends again, there had to be a time of distance and healing. By far the easiest way to do that is to just cut things off entirely for a while. If your relationship was built on common interests, values or priorities, you'll probably see each other again and be able to re-establish some kind of a friendly relationship.

However, in the mean-time, she doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too. If she wants space and time away enough that she feels the need to sever the relationship, then she doesn't get to come back and get the benefits of the relationship without the responsibilities. Some of that may be rebuil later, but for now you should stay away.

Of course you're going to hurt for a while. My advice is to take a couple of days and wallow in it. Let your grief out and cry and rage and listen to stupid music that makes you cry some more. Then start working on putting it away and realizing that things will get better over time and that happiness will make its way back into your life. Then once you can be a little more grounded about it, you can try to think about what you want to differently in future relationships so that you don't have the same problems.

Above all else, treasure the positive things you did and learned. The relationship ending doesn't take anything at all away from their value.

Best of luck! I feel for you (my wife and I are going through much the same thing right now).

[veven]

In regards to remaining friends I'd like to reiterate what others have already said. If it hurts, don't do it.

A little over a year ago my girlfriend of three years broke up with me and while I saw it coming it hurt a lot. Our situations are different although there are some similarities (the major one being that there was no one person at fault). We agreed to remain friends and even hung out a few times but I decided for my own well being that I couldn't do it. I told her I couldn't be her friend yet and she respected that. I can tell you that things would have been much more difficult if I had continued spending any time with here. Only recently have I felt like I could start a new friendship with here (sometimes this stuff takes more time than you want it to).

It's likely not going to get easy anytime soon but my advice is to try not to get angry. Don't analyze things too much, try not to think about it, even the good parts because that'll just lead you to the rest. The first couple months after our breakup I honestly felt alright, I was bummed but I was alright. After a while however, I began examining things, who did what wrong, etc. In doing so I wound up feeling incredibly bitter about the whole thing. It was far from a perfect relationship but it really was good for a long time and we really did love each other but I allowed myself to become so angry about it that I forgot even those positive aspects.

I think it's important to do your best to think with your head and not your heart in these situations (not relationships themselves, that requires more of a balance of the two, I mean post-relationship situations) because heart thinking will lead to lots of what-ifs and other undesirable thoughts.

Spend a lot of time with your friends doing things you enjoy. Roll some dice, ride a bike, learn an instrument. It's tough but you'll get to a point where you can look at things more objectively and that is a good place to be.

[Last_resort_33]

I feel like my relationship might be going south for similar reasons... It's hard you know... When do you say "you don't seem enthusiastic about being affectionate" When is it being open and honest in an open and honest relationship, and when is it driving someone away for being too clingy... When do you say, "It's been a year since you seemed even vaguely enthusiastic about us having sex" or "all those things that you said were wrong a year ago, well I've put everything into all of them and you have only become more distant"...

When can something no longer be fixed?

He was depressed and needed me constantly and I tried hard to give him all he needed, now I'm in a similar state and we only become more distant... How much is too much? Is once a month too often to come onto someone you've been in an 8 year relationship with?

This should probably be in RWAA, but this thread kinda brought it home and made be type about it...

[Indurain]

lr33:

If I may, I'd like to offer a bit of insight into your situation.

I was going through a period of depression when I met my current girlfriend. She was amazing and helped pull me out of a real deep funk. Unfortunately she put so much time and effort into helping me, she let her own emotional state suffer. At this point our relationship had been almost one-sided with how much she did for me. I had almost become dependant on her. So when she became depressed, I didn't realise it, and continued to demand things of her to help keep my mental state up.

Luckily for us, I wisened up and soon was able to provide for her the same support for her. Now we both are aware and on the look out for each other's emotional triggers and signals. It has become a mutally supportive relationship.

The point I'm trying to make with this though, is that if you've been keeping him afloat for so long, he may not realise now that you're running out of air. You're best bet would be to bring it up to him, tell him how you're feeling and tell him that you're going to need his support to get through this. That will hopefully snap him out of it and make him see that you need him just as much as he needs you. And while you're still there to help him through the tough times, there are going to be times where you can't do it, and even times where you will need him to be the strong one.

This communication and time did soooooo much for my relationship, I hope it can help yours.

(I understand you've been going out much longer than my GF and I, and maybe you've already had the talk, but I hope this can still help.)
(Please note, I am not a psychiatrist in any way, just a perceptive person who has been in a very wide spectrum of different relationships)
(I do also offer help through PM's if anyone is uncomfortable speaking up in thread)

[Last_resort_33]

Yeah... I brought it up. He said that he was sorry for when he did it, but actually now he's better he's 'realised that it's an unhealthy relationship dynamic' having one partner dependant on the other and that's why he's not really helping...