John Cribati
2012-03-22, 05:07 PM
Old stuff:
Hey, All. It's Me. Livebloggin' Redwall. Well, not really, because I already read all of them (13th person in the state of New York to get a copy of Doomwyte, but that's largely irrelevant). However, the list of books I deemed worthy of more than one read-through is small. In fact, there are at least two that I downright despised.
Some notes before we begin:
The books are split into three sections, each with 20 or so chapters. Yeah, it's kind of thick for a kid's book
I'll be taking this three chapters at a time. Otherwise, we'll be here Forever.
The exception to this is this post, because just the Prologue has caused me to rant a lot.
I have never done this sort of thing before. Professionalism? What's that?
My commentary will run like so, while
Quotes from the book will go like so.
We cool?
__________________________________________________ _
Previous entries:
Redwall
Well, it opens with this:
Who says that I am dead
Knows nought at all.
I — am that is,
Two mice within Redwall.
The Warrior sleeps
’Twixt Hall and Cavern Hole.
I — am that is,
Take on my mighty role.
Look for the sword
In moonlight streaming forth,
At night, when day’s first hour
Reflects the North.
From o’er the threshold
Seek and you will see;
I — am that is,
My sword will wield for me.
This is one of the easier ones to figure out, but We'll get to that eventually. Here, I'll post a snippet of one of the later ones.
Tell me what we call coward (in at)
Then when you have worked out that,
You’ll find your heart’s desire,
By adding a backward liar.
You have no idea what that refers to, do you? I won't tell you. You'll have to wait 18 books for the answer.
Anywho, sidetrack. Our story begins:
It was the start of the Summer of the Late Rose. Mossflower country shimmered gently in a peaceful haze, bathing delicately at each dew-laden dawn, blossoming through high sunny noontides, languishing in each crimson-tinted twilight that heralded the soft darkness of June nights.
Redwall stood foursquare along the marches of the old south border, flanked on two sides by Mossflower Wood’s shaded depths. The other half of the Abbey overlooked undulating sweeps of meadowland, its ancient gate facing the long dusty road on the western perimeter.
From above, it resembled some fabulous dusky jewel, fallen between a green mantle of light silk and dark velvet. The first mice had built the Abbey of red sandstone quarried from pits many miles away in the north-east. The Abbey building was covered across its south face by that type of ivy known as Virginia creeper. The onset of autumn would turn the leaves into a cape of fiery hue, thus adding further glory to the name and legend of Redwall Abbey.
How deliciously Purple, amirite? Another thing about this: This was meant to be a oneshot, but once the money started rolling in kids realized that they loved violence, Jacques shifted the entire continuity to its own alternate universe... thing. That's the point behind the reference to Virginia Creeper. There's a bunch of other stuff, too, but We'll get to it soon... ish.
Chapter 1
The story proper begins with Matthias, the hero of this fine story, running down Great Hall in saandals and a habit that are too big for him. And he's not looking where he's going and trips. He drops his basket of hazlenuts and rolls. Luckily, he's stopped by the shins of Abbot Mortimer, who then gives him a lesson about walking with dignity and stuff. Yes. It's his fault he's dressed in clothes that don't fit. Mortimer takes Matthias away to talk, leaving the basket of nuts for the birds to eat... or not eat, as Jacques added a paragraph about a thrush who thought it was being stealthy, only to be outsmarted by shells. He uses "Twisters" as an expletive-type word.
Matthias and Mortimer head to the Great Hall (not my capitalization), where the tapestry is described in purple. It's apparently very old, and chronicles the history of Redwall. Matthias points out Martin, and Mort goes on about how Martin saved the day from foxes, vermin, and a great wildcat. Apparently, after one too many blows to the head, Martin stopped being a battle-hardened Warrior and became a Monk of Redwall.
One thing of note is that Matthias' entire backstory gets dumped in a single sentence:
You have been like a son to me, ever since you first came to our gates as an orphaned woodland mouse, begging to be taken in.
1: What kind of place is this that an orphan has to beg to be taken in?
2: Sounds like he's been here long enough for you to make habits and sandals for him so he isn't tripping over them. Gawd!
I also like this one:
All the mice took a solemn vow never to harm another living creature, unless it was an enemy that sought to harm our Order by violence.
That sounds a lawyer being really bad at adding a loophole to a contract. Anyway, Morty goes on to say that Redwall mice even get a free pass from predators. He wants Matthias to grow to be a respectable member of the Order, and knows he can do it, and other inspirational mish-mash. He then tells Matthias to go with brother Alf to fish in the pond (what happened to "never harm a living creature?"), because It's his Golden Jubille as Abbot. As Matthias flops off, Mortimer finally gets the clue that he should get some right-fitting sandals.
Chapter 2
Pardon me while I become a 12-year-old again:
The high, warm sun shone down on Cluny the Scourge.
Cluny was coming!
*snicker* This early in the morning? You need to pace yourself.
*Ahem*
Who is this Cluny, you ask? A giant rat who was so big and tough that he fought a pike for no reason. Cluny lost his eye, and the pike lost its life. Also, apparently, some creatures say that Cluny's from Portugal. The audiobook has him with a pitifully hilarious attempt at some sort of Hispanic/Greek/Italian accent. He calls himself "Cluny dee Scud-ooge" He's called "The Scourge" because he uses his tail as a whip. He's got 500 rats following him, and they're riding a hay wagon.
Redtooth, his second-in-command, carried a long pole. This was Cluny’s personal standard. The skull of a ferret was fixed at its top. Cluny had killed the ferret. He feared no living thing.
These last two sentences are unnecessary. I think a kid could figure out that a guy who he fought a pike and killed it wouldn't carry around a skull he found on the ground. Also, Pike are huge compared to rats.
Straight on the panicked horse galloped, past the milestone lodged in the earth at the roadside, heedless of the letters graven in the stone: “Redwall Abbey, fifteen miles.
They're on a horse. Also, Cluny expresses the desire to eat some baby rabbits that are at the roadside.
Cluny was a God of War!
Nah, he'd need two tails for that...
Chapter 3
We're back in Great Hall, where Matthias and Brother Alf have caught a giant grayling for the abbey feast. It's nearly two pounds in weight, which is apparently noteworthy. They had to get Constance the Badger to bring it inside. Badgers: the go-to source for scaring things off displays of strength. We're also introduced to the cook, Friar Hugo, a big fat mouse who holds dandelions in his tail.
Fabulous.
Sidetrack: Are Friars always cooks? I'm still not sure of all the titles you have in an abbey, but Friar sounds like "fry-er," so it sort of works, right?
"Bring the white gooseberry wine! Fetch me some rosemary, thyme, beechnuts and honey, quickly."
I now read Hugo as Leeron from the English dub of Gurren Lagann, and imagine him doing... things... with all that stuff.
"Fresh cream! I need lots of fresh cream! Bring some mint leaves too.”
You're not helping your case, Hugo. We also get this little tidbit:
... combing whiskers, curling tails, shining noses, and the hundred and one other grooming tasks that Redwall mice always performed in preparation for an epic feast.
I leave you to come up with something for that.
And now they open the gates of Redwall and allow all the woodlanders to come enjoy a feast, and we begin with one of Jacques' specialties: describing food. That's what these books are really about. Violence and food. In the interest of time, I'll just go on and list the names of everything:
Raspberry cordial
Peach and elderberry brandy
Apple and mint ice cream
Candied chestnuts
Acorn crunch
Cheddar cheese, plus ten other varieties
Celery
Tender freshwater shrimp garnished with cream and rose leaves (Shrimp are living creatures, too. WTH, Redwall?)
Devilled barley pearls in acorn purée
Apple and carrot chews
Marinated cabbage stalks steeped in creamed white turnip with nutmeg
You hungry yet? Meanwhile, we meet the Churchmouse twins, Tim and Tess, who feel Matthias up while giggling. They had something called "tail rickets" three months ago, and Matthias was involved in curing them. Seriously, it takes three months to make a habit and some sandals?
The abbot accepts gifts from the woodlanders, and quizzes Hugo to make sure they've got enough for the huge crowd. A bunch of otters put on a show for the little ones. Also, what the hell is a sultana? Then we meet Ambrose Spike, a hedgehog magician who pulls stuff out of creatures' ears, makes tails dance like snakes, and pulls shells from the mouths of infants. No I did not make that last one up.
Was it magic?
Of course it was.
I like that line. I really do.
Anyway, at eight o-clock, The feast officially starts. The Abbot says one of the few prayers in the series.
Fur and whisker, tooth and claw,
All who enter by our door.
Nuts and herbs, leaves and fruits,
Berries, tubers, plants and roots,
Silver fish whose life we take
Only for a meal to make.
Who are they praying to? the fish? And what's with the first four lines? Just listing stuff? Color me confused.
Matthias found himself next to Tim and Tess on one paw, and Cornflower Fieldmouse on the other. Cornflower was a quiet young mouse, but undoubtedly very pretty. She had the longest eyelashes Matthias had ever seen, the brightest eyes, the softest fur, the whitest teeth…
Say it with me now: Love interest.
The Abbot wholeheartedly praises Hugo's labor of love, and
Any further speech {i}s drowned by hearty cheers.
Chapter 4
We start with Cluny in a foul temper, because the horse stopped moving. Jacques notes that Cluny is both violent and unpredictable. He calls up Skullface, the expendable mook of the chapter, to bite the horse on the ass to get it moving again. Whan Skullface mentions that that would be, oh, I dunno, suicinde, he gets whipped.
“Mutiny, insubordination!” Cluny roared. “By the teeth of hell, I’ll flay you into mangy dollrags.”
There is also mentioned a Drivers' seat, another remnant of the pre-continuity drift era.
Skullface performed a frantic leap. He landed on the horse’s back. The terrified animal did not wait for the rat to bite. As soon as it felt the loathsome scratching weight descend on its exposed haunches, it gave a loud panicked whinny and bucked. Spurred on by the energy of fright it careered off like a runaway juggernaut. Bitch!
Sorry. Anyway, Skullface falls to his doom. See? Expendable mook.
“Tell the devil Cluny sent you, Skullface!”
That's two mentions of the devil (one I didn't include) and one mention of hell.
Chapter 5
Down in Cavern Hole the great feast had slackened off.
So had a lot of belts!
Doh-Ho-Ho!
Mortimer sends Hugo to discreetly deliver some food to the Churchmouse family. Who apparently live in poverty in the woods when they'd totally be allowed to live at Redwall till they and have all the food they want till they die.
Cornflower and Matthias hit it off, largely because Tim and Tess are really cute. No, seriously. Colin Vole (who I remember being very annoyed at) remarks that they act like a married couple.
Brother Alf reprimanded him sharply. “Here now, you keep a latch on that silly tongue of yours, Colin Vole! Don’t you know that someday Matthias will be a Redwall mouse? And don’t let me hear you slandering young Cornflower. She’s a decent mouse from a good family. Mark my words, Master Vole, I could say a thing or two to your mum and dad. Only last evening I saw you playing ‘catch the bulrush’ with that young harvest mouse. What was her name now?”
So... Not only does he say that Matthias can't get married and be a mouse of Redwall at the same time. He says that Cornflower is not a slut, and mocks Colin for playing with a girl? Logical progression? What's that? How did I understand this when I was little? Sorry for the Sidetrack.
Mortimer calls Matthias over, hands him a staff and asks him to go with Constance to escort the Churchmice home.
The young mouse needed no second bidding. Drawing himself up to his full height, he saluted in a smart military fashion. “Leave it to me, Father Abbot. Old Constance is a bit slow-thinking. I’ll take complete responsibility.”
The Abbot shook with silent laughter as he watched Matthias march off with a soldier-like swagger.
Flip flop, flip flop; he tripped and fell flat on his tail.
What can possibly go wrong? Also:
Fancy Cornflower’s family living so close to the Churchmouse brood! Matthias was only too glad to offer them a lift home.
Would Miss Cornflower like to sit next to him?
She most certainly would!
So he's going to guard the cart from the inside. Makes perfect sense.
Cornflower’s parents sat inside the cart, her mum helping Mrs. Churchmouse with the little ones, while her dad chatted away with John Churchmouse as they shared a pipe of old bracken twist.
Smoking? Srsly? This is now a YA book.
Hugo gives Mrs. Churchmouse a big sack of "tablecloths" that she "loaned" the abbey. Hey, Jacques can be subtle when he wants to be. Constance pulls the cart along, and Matthias waves to Methuselah, who as his name implies, is remarkably old. What, could his parents see the future or something? That's 4 male mice whose names begin with M. This will not go away anytime soon, I assure you.
We actually get a glimpse into Cornflower's head, while she dozes on Matthias' shoulder and considers what this "Summer of the Late Rose" means.
Normally it was in full red flower by now, but this year, for some unknown reason, it had chosen to flower late. It was covered in dormant young rosebuds, even now, well into June — a thing that happened only infrequently, and usually heralded an extra-long hot summer. Old Methuselah could only remember three other such summers in his long lifetime.
History. I hate it, but I just got reminded of something that I'll keep shut up for now. I'll just say that having read all of the books, I can tell he was obviously planning to continue.
The old cart rolled on gently, down the long dusty road. They were now over halfway to the ruined Church of St. Ninian where John Churchmouse lived, as had his father, grandfather and great-grandfather before him.
Ditto this.
Matthias had fallen into a deep slumber. Even Constance was unable to stop her eyelids drooping.
Hey, don't sleep and... pull carts.
Suddenly, and without warning, they were roused by the thunder of hooves.
A horse!? Oh dear...
Luckily, she finds a hole in the hedge (there was a hedge?) to push the cart into, while Matthias gets a good look at Cluny laughing madly as the cart thunders by.
Also:
“What in heaven was it?”
“What in hell, more like.”
Mentions of Heaven et. al: 1
Mentions of Hell et. al: 4
"Aye, and that one on the back! He looked like the Devil himself.”
Mentions of Hell et. al: 5
They decide to head back to the Abbey instead of continuing after the cart.
Chapter 6
The horse had gotten away safely.
... never to be seen again. What happened? Well:
Bolting recklessly from side to side down the road, the blinkered animal failed to see the twin stone gateposts on its right — skidding crazily, the cart smashed into the uprights. There was a loud splintering of shafts as the horse careered onwards, trailing in its wake reins, tracers and shattered timber.
Note that Cluny leapt straight over the ditch, while the cart falls in.
“Redtooth! Darkclaw! Report to me or I’ll have your skulls for skittles.”
Taste the Rainbow (is shot)
The two he calls come and give a status report. A bunch of people died, some are injured and...
“Old Wormtail has lost a paw."
Lol Jacques can see the future! Anyway, Cluny cares not and calls for an assembly.
“Right, [forum inappropriate word that means "chicken"] your lugs up and listen to me,” Cluny snarled. “First, we’ve got to find out where we have docked. Let’s take a bearing on this place.”
Where'd Cluny learn to speak Facebook Pirate?
"Cheesethief!”
... There's a rat named Cheesethief.
He also sends a crew of fity to recruit more soldiers for his cause.
Take fifty soldiers and see if you can round up any rats that know the lie of the land... don’t stand for arguments. Smash their dens up so they won’t have homes to worry about. If any refuse to join up, then kill them there and then. Understood?
Cluny does not screw around.
Chapter 7
Matthias had never stayed up all night in his life. He was just a bit tired, but strangely excited. Great events seemed to have been set in motion by his news.
That's how it is when you're the main character, kid. Get used to it.
The Abbot calls a meeting of elders, and lets Constance and Matthias relate their tale. Constance's grandfather apparently knew a sea rat, and she deduces that those rats were as well. There's also this:
"My badger senses told me right off that these were very bad and evil rats."
The badger’s statement caused uproar and shouts of "Nonsense. Pure speculation" and "That’s right! Give a rat a bad name!"
Make your own Spider-Man joke. I also find it interesting how that was received. Nowadays, The Redwallers are convinced that all rats are of the "lolmurder" mentality until proven otherwise.
Matthias defends Constance, saying that one of them had a ferret's skull on a pole, and that gets Mortimer's attention. He asks Matthias to describe the rat and deduces that this was none other than Cluny the Scourge. Everybody laughs because Cluny is just a legend, the kind of boogeyman who "gets" kids that misbehave. Mortimer is not pleased, and we get this line that I chuckled at:
Sister Clemence stood up smiling. She spread her paws wide. "Perhaps Cluny is coming to get us for staying up late."
Everyone loses it, and Constance has to scare them all back into seriousness.
"I’ve never seen such a pack of empty-headed ninnies. You should all be ashamed of yourselves, giggling like silly little otter cubs that have caught a beetle. I never thought I’d live to see the Elders of Redwall acting in this way. Now you listen to me. Take heed of what your Father Abbot has to say. The next creature who utters one squeak will answer to me. Understand?"
The badger bowed low in a dignified manner, gesturing with her massive blunt paw. "The floor is yours, Father Abbot."
I love you Constance. Never change.
Oh, before I continue, I should tell you that in there was a Redwall cartoon, which, despite its faults and a bit of deviation from the book, actually gave Matthias a backstory; Cluny and crew attacked his village and killed everyone except him and his sister, and she dies by falling over before they can enter Redwall. But that was all worthless in the long run, because that plot point was never brought up again in the TV series anyway.
Aaanywho.... Mortimer sends for Brother Methuselah, and Matthias again considers being the protagonist.
All in the space of a night events had moved from festivity to a crisis, and he, Matthias, had taken a major role in both. First the big grayling, then the sighting of the cart; large happenings for a small mouse.
Methuselah Arrives with a book of history that he recorded.
"Hmm, hmm, me Lord Abbot Cedric. It is Cedric, isn’t it? Oh botheration, you’ll be the new Abbot, Mortimer, the one who came after Cedric. Oh dear me, I see so many of them come and go, you know."
It's funny because he's old.
There are a ton of stories of the stuff that Cluny did. Collapsing mines, burning down farmhouses, eating piglets alive (this one is actually pretty scary) , and spreading disease. A dog told him that he caused a stampede of cows. We never hear of cows, pigs, or dogs again. Everyone starts to panic now, and when someone asks the obligatory "What are we gonna do?"
Matthias sprang to the middle of the floor brandishing his staff in a way that surprised even him.
"Do?" he cried. "I’ll tell you what we’ll do. We’ll be ready."
Chapter 8
Cluny the Scourge was having nightmares.
Oh, I remember this...
The Warlord thrashed about, killing, conquering and laying waste to all in his dream.
Then the phantom figure appeared.... Cluny went like a bat out of hell.
Mentions of Hell et. al: 6
Cluny's dream continues, and eventually, the phantom chases Cluny about and stabs him in the back with his giant manly drill wang sword.
Bong!
The loud toll of the distant Joseph Bell brought Cluny whirling back from the realms of nightmare to cold reality.
He shivered, wiping the sweat from his fur with a shaky paw. Saved by the bell.
It's alright.
The scavenging party proves how idiotic they are by comes back with... Just look that this:
A few dead beetles, two large earthworms, some unidentifiable vegetation and the pitiful carcass of a long-dead sparrow.
Naturally, Cluny is perfectly forgiving. It's not like they know the lay of the land or anything. He can't really fault them.
...
Nah, he's pissed.
Cluny bashed their heads together... "Get me meat. Tender, young, red meat! Next time you bring me rubbish like this, I’ll spit the pair of you and have you roasted in your own juice. Is that clear?"
Apparently, I am still a twelve-year-old, because I took that entire thing out of context.
Frogblood and Scumnose come back with the new recruits, and Cluny is genuinely pleased. He has them rank up and Redtooth reads them their terms. When Redtooth gets to this line:
"Now, if any one, two, or a group, or even all of you together want to try and beat Cluny and lead the horde, this is your chance."
Cluny all-out attacks the group of them just to show them who's boss.
"No guts, eh? Ha, it’s just as well! I don’t want dead ’uns on my claws before I find a proper battle for you to fight. And make no mistake, when the right time comes I’ll see you fight, aye, and die too. Now, raise your weapons and let’s see if you know who your master is."
A motley collection of evil-looking implements was framed by the cloudless sky as wild cries rang out from the newly-inducted recruits.
"Cluny, Cluny, Cluny the Scourge!"
It's about to get real up in here.
Chapter 9
Mortimer and Constance, walk through the grounds in contemplative silence, considering the safety of Redwall. Jacques devotes a paragraph to talking about the kinds of stuff they grow at Redwall. Boring. Mortimer mentions how Deus Ex Machina has saved Redwall in the past, but Constance remains cynical about the whole thing. Oh, come on, don't you know what kind of world you live in? Oh wait, this is pre- continuity drift. Carry on.
Meanwhile, Matthias is eating a breakfast of nutbread, apples and goatsmilk. We never hear of goats again. Cornflower's still asleep. That either means she's asleep in Cavern Hole, or Matthias brought his breakfast to Cornflower. Otherwise there's no real reason to mention that she's around sleeping. Jacques even notes that this was a early breakfast, meaning that most everyone is asleep anyway. He spends even more time considering what it means to be the hero, when Methuselah ninjas his way there.
“Eat heartily, Matthias. No point in facing trouble on an empty stomach. Feed the body, nourish the mind.”
I have to give Matthias props here; he knows that the borderline-senile always give good advice, and seeks Methuselah's counsel. Methy notes that fighting is the only sensible thing to do if Cluny makes his way to Redwall.
“It is written in the great chronicle of Redwall that Martin was very young to be such a warrior. He could have been the same age as yourself, Matthias. Like you, he was impulsive and had a great quality of youthful innocence about him when he first came to our Abbey.”
There's a grating historical inaccuracy here, which will be obvious once we get to "Mossflower".
“Why do you tell all this to me, Brother Methuselah?”
“Because, Matthias … because he was very like you!”
Foreshadowing....
Before the young mouse could question the old one further, the Joseph Bell tolled out a warning.
Sandals flapping,
No comment.
Matthias dashed out into the grounds, nearly colliding with the Abbot and Constance, who, like everyone else, were heading for the gatehouse.
What's the issue? Apparently, Brothers Rufus and George had a run-in with one of Cluny's rats, who pretended he was injured to try to get in, later on requesting aid to his buddies trapped underneath a cart. Being not born yesterday, Rufus and George ask how many he was traveling with.
“Oh, a couple of hundred,” came the glib reply.
Rats are stupid.
Showing intelligence not usually available to NPCs, they wondered if all two-hundred were trapped in this cart. The rat changes the subject and asks to come in for food. He almost gets let in, but when they ask for him to surrender his weapon, he goes for the sneak attack only for Rufus to prove himself among the most badass NPCs ever written. Then, seeing as he's up against two competent mouse fighters (they're fighters? I guess they teach you the quarterstaff once you become a mouse of Redwall \o_O/), he curses them out, announces that he has a whole army waiting, and says he's going to get Cluny. This can only end well.
Naturally, Mrs. Churchmouse, the only old married woman worth noting, begins to cry, because he house has been taken over by rats. Her husband says that at least they're safe at Redwall, and Matthias questions the safety of everyone else living in the woods. Ambrose Spike is sent out out to go warn everyone.
"Spike’ll come to no harm. Once he curls up, there’s nothing can touch him.”
Constance just Jinxed it, didn't she >:|
Mortimer tells everyone to head inside, but Matthias suggests to put a guard on the walls. Sister Clemence, old church lady that she is, tells Matthias to respect his elders, but Mortimer shows common sense, noting that "none of us too old to learn,” and goes with Matthias' plan.
Anyway, John Churchmouse rings the bell to tell everyone to come in to Redwall (so why bother send out Ambrose then?) Brother Methuselah, who apparently only got his 17th level of monk late in life, translates for everyone that enters the Abbey who doesn't speak... Common, I guess? Meanwhile, Matthias and a few others are on Guard Duty.
Despite the heat, Matthias had ordered all the mice to put on their hoods. It served a double purpose, to shield their eyes from the sun and create a camouflage effect.
... What?
The first mice had built the Abbey of red sandstone....
dark greeny-brown of the order....
lighter green of a novice....
camouflage effect.
No, sorry. Try again.
Constance notes that the birds have stopped singing. No grasshoppers or anything. And the Joseph Bell rings out.
John Churchmouse shouted from his position high in the belfry, “They’re coming, down the road! I can see them. I can see them!”
Chapter 10
Cluny's army is here. Fangburn, the rat who Rufus and George encountered, tries to lighten the chief's modd, but gets called out for the idiot he is for loseing them the element of surprise. So now they need a show of force.
His long ragged black cloak was made of batwings, fastened at the throat with a mole skull. The immense war helmet he wore had the plumes of a blackbird and the horns of a stag beetle adorning it. From beneath the slanted visor his one eye glared viciously out at the Abbey before him.
Every evil warlord needs his Badass Armor.
Redtooth acts as Cluny's mouthpiece again, asking for a parley. Redtooth and Cluny get selected to enter, provided they drop their weapons and Cluny tie his tail around his middle. Also, Cluny has a poison spike on the end of his tail, just because it's awesome. Redtooth shows concern about the badger.
Cluny answered quietly out of the side of his mouth, “Don’t worry, I’ve been watching her. A real big country bumpkin."
After they enter, Matthias says they don't need too many guards, but the Redwall mice don't listen, so Cluny has to scare them off.
They head to Cavern Hole to have their chat, and Cluny misunderstands Matthias' protagonist power.
Cluny could sense hostility emanating from the young mouse who flip-flopped behind him in overlarge sandals.
~sigh~
Strange for one so young to be counted as a captain, he thought.
He allowed himself a peek at the future. One day this would be called Cluny’s Castle. He liked the sound of that. Secure from attack, living off the fat of the land, in his mind’s eye he saw it all: those mice and the woodland creatures enslaved, living just to serve him. He would hold sway as far as the eye could see; power; an end to his rovings; a dream come true; King Cluny!
Cornflower comes in with Drinks, and Matthias shoos her off.
Redtooth nudged Cluny. “Cornflower, eh. Satan’s nose, she’s a pretty little one for you!”
Mentions of Hell et. al: 7
Cluny remained silent. He stood insolently watching Cornflower set the table in Cavern Hole. A pretty one indeed!
She's the equivalent of a thirteen-year-old girl. Furthermore, rats and mice are genetically incompatible. That's two kinds of wrong straight off the bat.
Mortimer asks Cluny his business, and Cluny responds tells them to surrender. Matthias rightly tells him to GTFO. Mortimer apologizes about Matthias and then tells them that he's willing to provide food, clothing, and medical attention. Cluny interrupts and tells Redtooth to read them the articles.
“These are the articles of surrender to be obeyed by all creatures who come under the claw of Cluny the Scourge or any of his commanders.
One: surrender will be total and unconditional.
Two: Cluny will execute the leaders of all who choose to oppose him.
Three: all property conquered will belong solely to Cluny the Scourge. This includes homes, food, crops, land and additionally all creatures dwelling on said property: they shall be owned by Cluny—”
He's interrupted by Matthias' staff destroying the scroll. He goes after Matthias, but Constance smacks him out of midair. Mortimer asks her to let him up, reminding her of the law of hospitality.
Then he gets mad.
“I will not need until tomorrow, rat. You can have my answer now. How dare you come here with your robber band to read articles of death and slavery to me? I tell you that neither you nor your army will ever set paw or claw inside Redwall, not while I or any of my creatures have breath in our bodies to fight and resist you. That is my solemn word.”
Mortimer, I will love you when Matthias finally gets some proper slippers.
Cluny sneered and turned on his heel. Followed by Redtooth, he stamped out. On the stairs between Cavern Hole and Great Hall he stopped and turned, his cold voice echoing between both chambers, “Then die, all of you: every male, female, and young one. You have refused my terms. Now you will suffer the punishment of Cluny. You will beg on your knees for death to come swiftly, but I shall make your torment loud and long before you die!”
Constance doesn't like that:
Exerting the full strength of a female badger, she lifted the massive Cavern Hole dining table. It was a huge solid oaken thing that no dozen mice could even move. Dishes clattered and food spilled as Constance heaved the table above her head. Her voice was a roar.
“Get out, rats! Leave this Abbey! I’m weary of your voices. Hurry before I break the laws of hospitality and ask the Abbot’s pardon later. Go, while you still have skulls.”
I love you Constance.
On his way out, Cluny notices Martin on the tapestry. and Matthiasgives him a history lesson.
“This is Martin the Warrior. He founded our Order, and I’ll tell you something else, rat. Martin was the bravest mouse that ever lived. If he were here today he’d just take up his big sword and send you and all your bullies packing. Those of you he didn’t chop up into crow meat.”
I don't even know what to say to this. It's just... ugh. I don't like it. Anyway, Cluny leaves without giving any more problems, noting that Martin the Warrior is the mouse raped attacked him through his nightmares. Constance continues to be awesome by tossing the scroll of articles- filled with rotten food, too- right into Redtooth's face and then disappearing like a shadow.
Chapter 11
Late at night, Brother Alf sees something in the bushes. Matthias recognizes it as Ambrose Spike. He got needlessly injured because they sent him out there when they were already rigning the bell to tell everyone that s**t was about to go down. Constance pulls an Ackbar and says that they should be wary of traps. Matthias gets an idea of how to get Ambrose in.
Brother Alf watched the little figure flip-flopping off.
Would someone like to count how many times it's been referenced that Matthias' sandals are too big? Because I'm getting tired of reading it.
Anyway, Matthias comes back with... MOLES!!!! They are awesome! With their accents and their common sense and their accents and their diggin rhymes and their accents and... their accents...
Their leader glanced out at the hedgehog. He scratched some hasty calculations on the wall with his claw.
“Oi I think we can get yon ’edgepig back, sur. You’m get us outen the gate and stan’ watch.”
Turning to his team, the Foremole (for that was his official title) began discussing tunnel width, coupled with reverse prickle drag, forward traction and all the other specialist details that are routine to the average qualified tunnel-mole.
MOLES DO MATH!!!
They stand guard outside the gate while one mole goes under to see about the soil.
“Harr, he’m be noice an’ soft, sur. Baint no rock nor root to stop us’ns, straight furrer we’m a-thinking.”
“Oi’ll dig ahead, you’m woiden workin’s. Gaffer and Marge, foller up a-shorin.” He tugged his snout respectfully to Matthias and Constance. “You’m gennelbeast bide by ’ere ’til us back.”
I am twelve again, and not in the perverted way.
They watched the ground humping...
Okay, now I'm twelve again in the perverted way. The moles come up right under Ambrose and drag him in through the underground. Matthias tries to help, but Foremole brushes him off.
“Nay, nay, you uns on’y get yer paws durted.”
Ambrose is brought to the infirmary and attended by Mortimer.
A hasty diagnosis revealed that the hedgehog was suffering from a long jagged wound that ran from the back of his ear to the tip of his paw.
... "Diagnosis?" In this context, that seems like too much. But still... ouch.
“D’you think he’ll live, Father Abbot?”
The Abbot chuckled quietly. He cleaned the long ugly wound and applied a poultice of herbs.
“No cause for alarm, Brother Alf. Ambrose Spike is made of leather and needles. Tough as a boulder, this old ruffian is. Look, he’s beginning to come around already.”
He does, and the first thing he asks for? Liquor. Can't blame him. Anyway, he recounts his tale:
“It must have been near noon when I stopped at Vole Bank. I told the Voles the bad news, and blow me if that little ninny Colin Vole didn’t go to shrieking and screaming all over the place as to how they’d all be murdered in their beds."
That's why I said I didn't like Colin. His screams alert some foraging rats, and they take Colin and his family captive, stab Ambrose with a churchyard spike railing... thing... and leave him to die because he's too spiky to eat.
"Er, is there any more left in that jug? This wound’s giving me jip. I need ale for medicinal purposes, Father Abbot.”
Once again. Can't blame him.
Matthias is about to mount a rescue mission, but the Abbot reads his mind and straigh-up say "no." Once again, Matti sees that they're right and he was being stupid. But he still feels bad because he can't do anything about Colin. He can't sleep that night, so wanders off to talk to Martin.
“Oh Martin, what would you have done in my place? I know that I’m only a young mouse, a novice, not even a proper Redwall member yet, but once you were young too. I know what you would have done. You’d have buckled on your armor, picked up your mighty sword, gone down to that church and battled with the rats until they released the Voles or perished beneath your blade. But alas, those days are gone. I have no magic sword to aid me, only the advice of my elders and betters, to which I must listen.”
Wow. I never remembered Matthias being so... balanced. Most of the other main characters throughout the books are all bravery and badass, but he shows wisdom and humility at the same time.
Looking back down to himself in his baggy green robes and oversized sandals,
~sigh~
Matthias felt hot tears of shame and frustration spilling from his eyes and dripping on his young whiskers. Unable to stop himself, he wept freely. The soft touch of a gentle paw on his back caused him to look around. It was Cornflower.
Oh, balls. Luckily, Cornflower isn't there to laugh, but to give him a pep talk that I just have to quote.
“Matthias, don’t be ashamed, I know why you cry and grieve. It is because you are kind and good, not a hard-hearted pitiless rat like Cluny. Please listen to me. Even the strongest and bravest must sometimes weep. It shows they have a great heart, one that can feel compassion for others. You are brave, Matthias. Already you have done great things for one so young. I am only a simple country-bred fieldmouse, but even I can see the courage and leadership in you. A burning brand shows the way, and each day your flame grows brighter. There is none like you, Matthias. You have the sign of greatness upon you. One day Redwall and all the land will be indebted to you. Matthias, you are a true Warrior.”
Then, she takes off her headband- Yellow, with blue cornflowers on it- and ties it about his arm.
*squee*
Chapter 12
We're back at St. Ninian's church, where Cluny mulls about planning, paying no attention to the Voles.
What thoughts occupied the dark devious mind of Cluny the Scourge?
He obviously wants Martin to come by with his great throbbing... sword.
“Go and get Shadow. Bring him here to me.”
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2171/2533427433_0b03716c68.jpg
I am silly.
The Chief had a plan. Like all of his schemes it would be cunningly simple and wickedly brilliant. There was no better general than Cluny when it came to strategy.
I haven't read this book in a while, but I have the feeling that I'll have to sarcastically quote this line several times before I finish this book.
Shadow had been with Cluny for many years. Nobody was sure if he was rat or weasel, or even a bit of both.
*Goes to check Wikipedia*
Yeah, That's not possible.
He was very lithe and wiry, and his long sinewy body was covered in sleek, black fur. There was no hint of another color in his coat; it was blacker than moonless midnight. His eyes were strangely slanted, black without any brightness in them. The eyes of Shadow were like those of a dead thing.
I wish I had something witty to say to that.
Cluny says he wants Shadow to climb the Abbey walls, and proceeds to give him perfect directions to Great Hall.
"... Walk in, turn around, and on the left wall facing you is a long tapestry covered in pictures and designs. Now listen carefully. In the bottom right- hand corner of that tapestry is a picture of a mouse dressed in armor, leaning on a big sword. I want it! Cut it, rip it, or tear it out, but get it for me. I must have it! Don’t come back without it, Shadow."
...
Fangburn whispered to Cheesethief, “What use is a picture of a mouse to the Chief?”
Remember what was he doing his entire introductory chapter? He probably goes through a lot of cloth. Just sayin'.
Cluny heard. He came to the edge of the pulpit. Grasping the sides of the lectern he surveyed his small congregation like some satanic minister.
Mentions of Hell et. al: 8
"Ah, Brother Fangburn, let me explain. I will tell you why it is that you and all your kind will forever remain servants, while I shall always be the master. Did you not see the faces of those mice today? The mere mention of Martin the Warrior sends them into ecstasies."
I've made far too many sex jokes at this point in the review, so I'm leaving this one alone.
"Martin is some sort of angel; I’m the opposite."
Mentions of Heaven et. al: 2
Mentions of Hell et. al: 9? Okay, 8.5
So now it's pretty obvious what's up: Cluny's going to attack Redwall's morale by stealing Martin away.
Cluny’s tail banged down on the rotting lectern, smashing it into several fragments.
“Bring that picture back here to me. Do this, and your reward will be great when I sit on the Abbot’s chair in Redwall Abbey. But fail me, and your screams will be heard far beyond the woodland and meadows!”
That would have been a lot more threatening if it didn't involve "woodland and meadows."
Chapter 13
Back at Redwall, everyone's taking stock of the food stores. Ambrose reflects on the mice not letting him drink himself into a stupor, and is interrupted by baby moles who ask him where to put stuff. Padding!
Matthias and Constance are busy training the woodlanders, who all have certain skills that they're used to. Otters are slingmasters, and fieldmice have mad arrow skillz. Matthias decides to teach some of the Redwall mice how to use the quarterstaff.
He had discovered in himself a natural skill with the long ash pole.
My personal theory is that Matthias had levels in Monk. I mean, in the animated series, Matti had mad hops.
Of course, that doesn't stop him from harassing the n00bs into attacking him.
“Keep that head guarded, Brother Anthony!”
Thwack!
“I warned you, Brother! Now look out, I’m coming after you again.”
But the harshness pays off... sort of.
“No, no! Don’t just stand there, Brother! Defend yourself! Hit out at me.”
Thwack, crack!
And down Matti goes. Anthony gets recruited for Constance's cudgel and wrestling class. There's also a discussion of the lack of lethal weapons in the Abbey.
“Yes, he’s very strong, but I do wish that we had some real weapons of war — swords and daggers and such like. We won’t kill many rats with wooden staves.”
“Maybe not,” the badger replied. “But you must remember that we are here to defend, not to attack or kill.”
Matthias threw down his staff. He took a dipper of water from an oaken pail, drinking deeply, then splashing the remains over his aching head.
“A wise observation, Constance, but you try telling that to Cluny and his horde. See how far you get.”
At lunch, Matthias bugs Cornflower for a bit before heading over to bond with Methuselah some more. Methuselah, not being an idiot, knows that Matthias wants to find Martin's tomb, because that's where the sword is likely to be.
“That is a thing no creature knows. For many long years now I have puzzled and pored over ancient manuscripts, translating, following hidden trails, always with the same result: nothing. I have even used my gift of tongues, speaking to the bees and others who can go into places too small for us, but always it is the same — rumors, legends and old mouse tales.”
Matthias is about to give up hope, when Methuselah relates an old tale about a sparrow-hawk who claims that the Sparrows stole "something" from the mice of Redwall. Problem: the sparrows live at the top of the Abbey, and as such, it would be necessary to climb up the walls. Which begs the question of how the abbey was built, without steps that led to the top, but whatever, plot is plot.
Chapter 14 and the update will be in the next post, because there's too many characters in this post right now.
Hey, All. It's Me. Livebloggin' Redwall. Well, not really, because I already read all of them (13th person in the state of New York to get a copy of Doomwyte, but that's largely irrelevant). However, the list of books I deemed worthy of more than one read-through is small. In fact, there are at least two that I downright despised.
Some notes before we begin:
The books are split into three sections, each with 20 or so chapters. Yeah, it's kind of thick for a kid's book
I'll be taking this three chapters at a time. Otherwise, we'll be here Forever.
The exception to this is this post, because just the Prologue has caused me to rant a lot.
I have never done this sort of thing before. Professionalism? What's that?
My commentary will run like so, while
Quotes from the book will go like so.
We cool?
__________________________________________________ _
Previous entries:
Redwall
Well, it opens with this:
Who says that I am dead
Knows nought at all.
I — am that is,
Two mice within Redwall.
The Warrior sleeps
’Twixt Hall and Cavern Hole.
I — am that is,
Take on my mighty role.
Look for the sword
In moonlight streaming forth,
At night, when day’s first hour
Reflects the North.
From o’er the threshold
Seek and you will see;
I — am that is,
My sword will wield for me.
This is one of the easier ones to figure out, but We'll get to that eventually. Here, I'll post a snippet of one of the later ones.
Tell me what we call coward (in at)
Then when you have worked out that,
You’ll find your heart’s desire,
By adding a backward liar.
You have no idea what that refers to, do you? I won't tell you. You'll have to wait 18 books for the answer.
Anywho, sidetrack. Our story begins:
It was the start of the Summer of the Late Rose. Mossflower country shimmered gently in a peaceful haze, bathing delicately at each dew-laden dawn, blossoming through high sunny noontides, languishing in each crimson-tinted twilight that heralded the soft darkness of June nights.
Redwall stood foursquare along the marches of the old south border, flanked on two sides by Mossflower Wood’s shaded depths. The other half of the Abbey overlooked undulating sweeps of meadowland, its ancient gate facing the long dusty road on the western perimeter.
From above, it resembled some fabulous dusky jewel, fallen between a green mantle of light silk and dark velvet. The first mice had built the Abbey of red sandstone quarried from pits many miles away in the north-east. The Abbey building was covered across its south face by that type of ivy known as Virginia creeper. The onset of autumn would turn the leaves into a cape of fiery hue, thus adding further glory to the name and legend of Redwall Abbey.
How deliciously Purple, amirite? Another thing about this: This was meant to be a oneshot, but once the money started rolling in kids realized that they loved violence, Jacques shifted the entire continuity to its own alternate universe... thing. That's the point behind the reference to Virginia Creeper. There's a bunch of other stuff, too, but We'll get to it soon... ish.
Chapter 1
The story proper begins with Matthias, the hero of this fine story, running down Great Hall in saandals and a habit that are too big for him. And he's not looking where he's going and trips. He drops his basket of hazlenuts and rolls. Luckily, he's stopped by the shins of Abbot Mortimer, who then gives him a lesson about walking with dignity and stuff. Yes. It's his fault he's dressed in clothes that don't fit. Mortimer takes Matthias away to talk, leaving the basket of nuts for the birds to eat... or not eat, as Jacques added a paragraph about a thrush who thought it was being stealthy, only to be outsmarted by shells. He uses "Twisters" as an expletive-type word.
Matthias and Mortimer head to the Great Hall (not my capitalization), where the tapestry is described in purple. It's apparently very old, and chronicles the history of Redwall. Matthias points out Martin, and Mort goes on about how Martin saved the day from foxes, vermin, and a great wildcat. Apparently, after one too many blows to the head, Martin stopped being a battle-hardened Warrior and became a Monk of Redwall.
One thing of note is that Matthias' entire backstory gets dumped in a single sentence:
You have been like a son to me, ever since you first came to our gates as an orphaned woodland mouse, begging to be taken in.
1: What kind of place is this that an orphan has to beg to be taken in?
2: Sounds like he's been here long enough for you to make habits and sandals for him so he isn't tripping over them. Gawd!
I also like this one:
All the mice took a solemn vow never to harm another living creature, unless it was an enemy that sought to harm our Order by violence.
That sounds a lawyer being really bad at adding a loophole to a contract. Anyway, Morty goes on to say that Redwall mice even get a free pass from predators. He wants Matthias to grow to be a respectable member of the Order, and knows he can do it, and other inspirational mish-mash. He then tells Matthias to go with brother Alf to fish in the pond (what happened to "never harm a living creature?"), because It's his Golden Jubille as Abbot. As Matthias flops off, Mortimer finally gets the clue that he should get some right-fitting sandals.
Chapter 2
Pardon me while I become a 12-year-old again:
The high, warm sun shone down on Cluny the Scourge.
Cluny was coming!
*snicker* This early in the morning? You need to pace yourself.
*Ahem*
Who is this Cluny, you ask? A giant rat who was so big and tough that he fought a pike for no reason. Cluny lost his eye, and the pike lost its life. Also, apparently, some creatures say that Cluny's from Portugal. The audiobook has him with a pitifully hilarious attempt at some sort of Hispanic/Greek/Italian accent. He calls himself "Cluny dee Scud-ooge" He's called "The Scourge" because he uses his tail as a whip. He's got 500 rats following him, and they're riding a hay wagon.
Redtooth, his second-in-command, carried a long pole. This was Cluny’s personal standard. The skull of a ferret was fixed at its top. Cluny had killed the ferret. He feared no living thing.
These last two sentences are unnecessary. I think a kid could figure out that a guy who he fought a pike and killed it wouldn't carry around a skull he found on the ground. Also, Pike are huge compared to rats.
Straight on the panicked horse galloped, past the milestone lodged in the earth at the roadside, heedless of the letters graven in the stone: “Redwall Abbey, fifteen miles.
They're on a horse. Also, Cluny expresses the desire to eat some baby rabbits that are at the roadside.
Cluny was a God of War!
Nah, he'd need two tails for that...
Chapter 3
We're back in Great Hall, where Matthias and Brother Alf have caught a giant grayling for the abbey feast. It's nearly two pounds in weight, which is apparently noteworthy. They had to get Constance the Badger to bring it inside. Badgers: the go-to source for scaring things off displays of strength. We're also introduced to the cook, Friar Hugo, a big fat mouse who holds dandelions in his tail.
Fabulous.
Sidetrack: Are Friars always cooks? I'm still not sure of all the titles you have in an abbey, but Friar sounds like "fry-er," so it sort of works, right?
"Bring the white gooseberry wine! Fetch me some rosemary, thyme, beechnuts and honey, quickly."
I now read Hugo as Leeron from the English dub of Gurren Lagann, and imagine him doing... things... with all that stuff.
"Fresh cream! I need lots of fresh cream! Bring some mint leaves too.”
You're not helping your case, Hugo. We also get this little tidbit:
... combing whiskers, curling tails, shining noses, and the hundred and one other grooming tasks that Redwall mice always performed in preparation for an epic feast.
I leave you to come up with something for that.
And now they open the gates of Redwall and allow all the woodlanders to come enjoy a feast, and we begin with one of Jacques' specialties: describing food. That's what these books are really about. Violence and food. In the interest of time, I'll just go on and list the names of everything:
Raspberry cordial
Peach and elderberry brandy
Apple and mint ice cream
Candied chestnuts
Acorn crunch
Cheddar cheese, plus ten other varieties
Celery
Tender freshwater shrimp garnished with cream and rose leaves (Shrimp are living creatures, too. WTH, Redwall?)
Devilled barley pearls in acorn purée
Apple and carrot chews
Marinated cabbage stalks steeped in creamed white turnip with nutmeg
You hungry yet? Meanwhile, we meet the Churchmouse twins, Tim and Tess, who feel Matthias up while giggling. They had something called "tail rickets" three months ago, and Matthias was involved in curing them. Seriously, it takes three months to make a habit and some sandals?
The abbot accepts gifts from the woodlanders, and quizzes Hugo to make sure they've got enough for the huge crowd. A bunch of otters put on a show for the little ones. Also, what the hell is a sultana? Then we meet Ambrose Spike, a hedgehog magician who pulls stuff out of creatures' ears, makes tails dance like snakes, and pulls shells from the mouths of infants. No I did not make that last one up.
Was it magic?
Of course it was.
I like that line. I really do.
Anyway, at eight o-clock, The feast officially starts. The Abbot says one of the few prayers in the series.
Fur and whisker, tooth and claw,
All who enter by our door.
Nuts and herbs, leaves and fruits,
Berries, tubers, plants and roots,
Silver fish whose life we take
Only for a meal to make.
Who are they praying to? the fish? And what's with the first four lines? Just listing stuff? Color me confused.
Matthias found himself next to Tim and Tess on one paw, and Cornflower Fieldmouse on the other. Cornflower was a quiet young mouse, but undoubtedly very pretty. She had the longest eyelashes Matthias had ever seen, the brightest eyes, the softest fur, the whitest teeth…
Say it with me now: Love interest.
The Abbot wholeheartedly praises Hugo's labor of love, and
Any further speech {i}s drowned by hearty cheers.
Chapter 4
We start with Cluny in a foul temper, because the horse stopped moving. Jacques notes that Cluny is both violent and unpredictable. He calls up Skullface, the expendable mook of the chapter, to bite the horse on the ass to get it moving again. Whan Skullface mentions that that would be, oh, I dunno, suicinde, he gets whipped.
“Mutiny, insubordination!” Cluny roared. “By the teeth of hell, I’ll flay you into mangy dollrags.”
There is also mentioned a Drivers' seat, another remnant of the pre-continuity drift era.
Skullface performed a frantic leap. He landed on the horse’s back. The terrified animal did not wait for the rat to bite. As soon as it felt the loathsome scratching weight descend on its exposed haunches, it gave a loud panicked whinny and bucked. Spurred on by the energy of fright it careered off like a runaway juggernaut. Bitch!
Sorry. Anyway, Skullface falls to his doom. See? Expendable mook.
“Tell the devil Cluny sent you, Skullface!”
That's two mentions of the devil (one I didn't include) and one mention of hell.
Chapter 5
Down in Cavern Hole the great feast had slackened off.
So had a lot of belts!
Doh-Ho-Ho!
Mortimer sends Hugo to discreetly deliver some food to the Churchmouse family. Who apparently live in poverty in the woods when they'd totally be allowed to live at Redwall till they and have all the food they want till they die.
Cornflower and Matthias hit it off, largely because Tim and Tess are really cute. No, seriously. Colin Vole (who I remember being very annoyed at) remarks that they act like a married couple.
Brother Alf reprimanded him sharply. “Here now, you keep a latch on that silly tongue of yours, Colin Vole! Don’t you know that someday Matthias will be a Redwall mouse? And don’t let me hear you slandering young Cornflower. She’s a decent mouse from a good family. Mark my words, Master Vole, I could say a thing or two to your mum and dad. Only last evening I saw you playing ‘catch the bulrush’ with that young harvest mouse. What was her name now?”
So... Not only does he say that Matthias can't get married and be a mouse of Redwall at the same time. He says that Cornflower is not a slut, and mocks Colin for playing with a girl? Logical progression? What's that? How did I understand this when I was little? Sorry for the Sidetrack.
Mortimer calls Matthias over, hands him a staff and asks him to go with Constance to escort the Churchmice home.
The young mouse needed no second bidding. Drawing himself up to his full height, he saluted in a smart military fashion. “Leave it to me, Father Abbot. Old Constance is a bit slow-thinking. I’ll take complete responsibility.”
The Abbot shook with silent laughter as he watched Matthias march off with a soldier-like swagger.
Flip flop, flip flop; he tripped and fell flat on his tail.
What can possibly go wrong? Also:
Fancy Cornflower’s family living so close to the Churchmouse brood! Matthias was only too glad to offer them a lift home.
Would Miss Cornflower like to sit next to him?
She most certainly would!
So he's going to guard the cart from the inside. Makes perfect sense.
Cornflower’s parents sat inside the cart, her mum helping Mrs. Churchmouse with the little ones, while her dad chatted away with John Churchmouse as they shared a pipe of old bracken twist.
Smoking? Srsly? This is now a YA book.
Hugo gives Mrs. Churchmouse a big sack of "tablecloths" that she "loaned" the abbey. Hey, Jacques can be subtle when he wants to be. Constance pulls the cart along, and Matthias waves to Methuselah, who as his name implies, is remarkably old. What, could his parents see the future or something? That's 4 male mice whose names begin with M. This will not go away anytime soon, I assure you.
We actually get a glimpse into Cornflower's head, while she dozes on Matthias' shoulder and considers what this "Summer of the Late Rose" means.
Normally it was in full red flower by now, but this year, for some unknown reason, it had chosen to flower late. It was covered in dormant young rosebuds, even now, well into June — a thing that happened only infrequently, and usually heralded an extra-long hot summer. Old Methuselah could only remember three other such summers in his long lifetime.
History. I hate it, but I just got reminded of something that I'll keep shut up for now. I'll just say that having read all of the books, I can tell he was obviously planning to continue.
The old cart rolled on gently, down the long dusty road. They were now over halfway to the ruined Church of St. Ninian where John Churchmouse lived, as had his father, grandfather and great-grandfather before him.
Ditto this.
Matthias had fallen into a deep slumber. Even Constance was unable to stop her eyelids drooping.
Hey, don't sleep and... pull carts.
Suddenly, and without warning, they were roused by the thunder of hooves.
A horse!? Oh dear...
Luckily, she finds a hole in the hedge (there was a hedge?) to push the cart into, while Matthias gets a good look at Cluny laughing madly as the cart thunders by.
Also:
“What in heaven was it?”
“What in hell, more like.”
Mentions of Heaven et. al: 1
Mentions of Hell et. al: 4
"Aye, and that one on the back! He looked like the Devil himself.”
Mentions of Hell et. al: 5
They decide to head back to the Abbey instead of continuing after the cart.
Chapter 6
The horse had gotten away safely.
... never to be seen again. What happened? Well:
Bolting recklessly from side to side down the road, the blinkered animal failed to see the twin stone gateposts on its right — skidding crazily, the cart smashed into the uprights. There was a loud splintering of shafts as the horse careered onwards, trailing in its wake reins, tracers and shattered timber.
Note that Cluny leapt straight over the ditch, while the cart falls in.
“Redtooth! Darkclaw! Report to me or I’ll have your skulls for skittles.”
Taste the Rainbow (is shot)
The two he calls come and give a status report. A bunch of people died, some are injured and...
“Old Wormtail has lost a paw."
Lol Jacques can see the future! Anyway, Cluny cares not and calls for an assembly.
“Right, [forum inappropriate word that means "chicken"] your lugs up and listen to me,” Cluny snarled. “First, we’ve got to find out where we have docked. Let’s take a bearing on this place.”
Where'd Cluny learn to speak Facebook Pirate?
"Cheesethief!”
... There's a rat named Cheesethief.
He also sends a crew of fity to recruit more soldiers for his cause.
Take fifty soldiers and see if you can round up any rats that know the lie of the land... don’t stand for arguments. Smash their dens up so they won’t have homes to worry about. If any refuse to join up, then kill them there and then. Understood?
Cluny does not screw around.
Chapter 7
Matthias had never stayed up all night in his life. He was just a bit tired, but strangely excited. Great events seemed to have been set in motion by his news.
That's how it is when you're the main character, kid. Get used to it.
The Abbot calls a meeting of elders, and lets Constance and Matthias relate their tale. Constance's grandfather apparently knew a sea rat, and she deduces that those rats were as well. There's also this:
"My badger senses told me right off that these were very bad and evil rats."
The badger’s statement caused uproar and shouts of "Nonsense. Pure speculation" and "That’s right! Give a rat a bad name!"
Make your own Spider-Man joke. I also find it interesting how that was received. Nowadays, The Redwallers are convinced that all rats are of the "lolmurder" mentality until proven otherwise.
Matthias defends Constance, saying that one of them had a ferret's skull on a pole, and that gets Mortimer's attention. He asks Matthias to describe the rat and deduces that this was none other than Cluny the Scourge. Everybody laughs because Cluny is just a legend, the kind of boogeyman who "gets" kids that misbehave. Mortimer is not pleased, and we get this line that I chuckled at:
Sister Clemence stood up smiling. She spread her paws wide. "Perhaps Cluny is coming to get us for staying up late."
Everyone loses it, and Constance has to scare them all back into seriousness.
"I’ve never seen such a pack of empty-headed ninnies. You should all be ashamed of yourselves, giggling like silly little otter cubs that have caught a beetle. I never thought I’d live to see the Elders of Redwall acting in this way. Now you listen to me. Take heed of what your Father Abbot has to say. The next creature who utters one squeak will answer to me. Understand?"
The badger bowed low in a dignified manner, gesturing with her massive blunt paw. "The floor is yours, Father Abbot."
I love you Constance. Never change.
Oh, before I continue, I should tell you that in there was a Redwall cartoon, which, despite its faults and a bit of deviation from the book, actually gave Matthias a backstory; Cluny and crew attacked his village and killed everyone except him and his sister, and she dies by falling over before they can enter Redwall. But that was all worthless in the long run, because that plot point was never brought up again in the TV series anyway.
Aaanywho.... Mortimer sends for Brother Methuselah, and Matthias again considers being the protagonist.
All in the space of a night events had moved from festivity to a crisis, and he, Matthias, had taken a major role in both. First the big grayling, then the sighting of the cart; large happenings for a small mouse.
Methuselah Arrives with a book of history that he recorded.
"Hmm, hmm, me Lord Abbot Cedric. It is Cedric, isn’t it? Oh botheration, you’ll be the new Abbot, Mortimer, the one who came after Cedric. Oh dear me, I see so many of them come and go, you know."
It's funny because he's old.
There are a ton of stories of the stuff that Cluny did. Collapsing mines, burning down farmhouses, eating piglets alive (this one is actually pretty scary) , and spreading disease. A dog told him that he caused a stampede of cows. We never hear of cows, pigs, or dogs again. Everyone starts to panic now, and when someone asks the obligatory "What are we gonna do?"
Matthias sprang to the middle of the floor brandishing his staff in a way that surprised even him.
"Do?" he cried. "I’ll tell you what we’ll do. We’ll be ready."
Chapter 8
Cluny the Scourge was having nightmares.
Oh, I remember this...
The Warlord thrashed about, killing, conquering and laying waste to all in his dream.
Then the phantom figure appeared.... Cluny went like a bat out of hell.
Mentions of Hell et. al: 6
Cluny's dream continues, and eventually, the phantom chases Cluny about and stabs him in the back with his giant manly drill wang sword.
Bong!
The loud toll of the distant Joseph Bell brought Cluny whirling back from the realms of nightmare to cold reality.
He shivered, wiping the sweat from his fur with a shaky paw. Saved by the bell.
It's alright.
The scavenging party proves how idiotic they are by comes back with... Just look that this:
A few dead beetles, two large earthworms, some unidentifiable vegetation and the pitiful carcass of a long-dead sparrow.
Naturally, Cluny is perfectly forgiving. It's not like they know the lay of the land or anything. He can't really fault them.
...
Nah, he's pissed.
Cluny bashed their heads together... "Get me meat. Tender, young, red meat! Next time you bring me rubbish like this, I’ll spit the pair of you and have you roasted in your own juice. Is that clear?"
Apparently, I am still a twelve-year-old, because I took that entire thing out of context.
Frogblood and Scumnose come back with the new recruits, and Cluny is genuinely pleased. He has them rank up and Redtooth reads them their terms. When Redtooth gets to this line:
"Now, if any one, two, or a group, or even all of you together want to try and beat Cluny and lead the horde, this is your chance."
Cluny all-out attacks the group of them just to show them who's boss.
"No guts, eh? Ha, it’s just as well! I don’t want dead ’uns on my claws before I find a proper battle for you to fight. And make no mistake, when the right time comes I’ll see you fight, aye, and die too. Now, raise your weapons and let’s see if you know who your master is."
A motley collection of evil-looking implements was framed by the cloudless sky as wild cries rang out from the newly-inducted recruits.
"Cluny, Cluny, Cluny the Scourge!"
It's about to get real up in here.
Chapter 9
Mortimer and Constance, walk through the grounds in contemplative silence, considering the safety of Redwall. Jacques devotes a paragraph to talking about the kinds of stuff they grow at Redwall. Boring. Mortimer mentions how Deus Ex Machina has saved Redwall in the past, but Constance remains cynical about the whole thing. Oh, come on, don't you know what kind of world you live in? Oh wait, this is pre- continuity drift. Carry on.
Meanwhile, Matthias is eating a breakfast of nutbread, apples and goatsmilk. We never hear of goats again. Cornflower's still asleep. That either means she's asleep in Cavern Hole, or Matthias brought his breakfast to Cornflower. Otherwise there's no real reason to mention that she's around sleeping. Jacques even notes that this was a early breakfast, meaning that most everyone is asleep anyway. He spends even more time considering what it means to be the hero, when Methuselah ninjas his way there.
“Eat heartily, Matthias. No point in facing trouble on an empty stomach. Feed the body, nourish the mind.”
I have to give Matthias props here; he knows that the borderline-senile always give good advice, and seeks Methuselah's counsel. Methy notes that fighting is the only sensible thing to do if Cluny makes his way to Redwall.
“It is written in the great chronicle of Redwall that Martin was very young to be such a warrior. He could have been the same age as yourself, Matthias. Like you, he was impulsive and had a great quality of youthful innocence about him when he first came to our Abbey.”
There's a grating historical inaccuracy here, which will be obvious once we get to "Mossflower".
“Why do you tell all this to me, Brother Methuselah?”
“Because, Matthias … because he was very like you!”
Foreshadowing....
Before the young mouse could question the old one further, the Joseph Bell tolled out a warning.
Sandals flapping,
No comment.
Matthias dashed out into the grounds, nearly colliding with the Abbot and Constance, who, like everyone else, were heading for the gatehouse.
What's the issue? Apparently, Brothers Rufus and George had a run-in with one of Cluny's rats, who pretended he was injured to try to get in, later on requesting aid to his buddies trapped underneath a cart. Being not born yesterday, Rufus and George ask how many he was traveling with.
“Oh, a couple of hundred,” came the glib reply.
Rats are stupid.
Showing intelligence not usually available to NPCs, they wondered if all two-hundred were trapped in this cart. The rat changes the subject and asks to come in for food. He almost gets let in, but when they ask for him to surrender his weapon, he goes for the sneak attack only for Rufus to prove himself among the most badass NPCs ever written. Then, seeing as he's up against two competent mouse fighters (they're fighters? I guess they teach you the quarterstaff once you become a mouse of Redwall \o_O/), he curses them out, announces that he has a whole army waiting, and says he's going to get Cluny. This can only end well.
Naturally, Mrs. Churchmouse, the only old married woman worth noting, begins to cry, because he house has been taken over by rats. Her husband says that at least they're safe at Redwall, and Matthias questions the safety of everyone else living in the woods. Ambrose Spike is sent out out to go warn everyone.
"Spike’ll come to no harm. Once he curls up, there’s nothing can touch him.”
Constance just Jinxed it, didn't she >:|
Mortimer tells everyone to head inside, but Matthias suggests to put a guard on the walls. Sister Clemence, old church lady that she is, tells Matthias to respect his elders, but Mortimer shows common sense, noting that "none of us too old to learn,” and goes with Matthias' plan.
Anyway, John Churchmouse rings the bell to tell everyone to come in to Redwall (so why bother send out Ambrose then?) Brother Methuselah, who apparently only got his 17th level of monk late in life, translates for everyone that enters the Abbey who doesn't speak... Common, I guess? Meanwhile, Matthias and a few others are on Guard Duty.
Despite the heat, Matthias had ordered all the mice to put on their hoods. It served a double purpose, to shield their eyes from the sun and create a camouflage effect.
... What?
The first mice had built the Abbey of red sandstone....
dark greeny-brown of the order....
lighter green of a novice....
camouflage effect.
No, sorry. Try again.
Constance notes that the birds have stopped singing. No grasshoppers or anything. And the Joseph Bell rings out.
John Churchmouse shouted from his position high in the belfry, “They’re coming, down the road! I can see them. I can see them!”
Chapter 10
Cluny's army is here. Fangburn, the rat who Rufus and George encountered, tries to lighten the chief's modd, but gets called out for the idiot he is for loseing them the element of surprise. So now they need a show of force.
His long ragged black cloak was made of batwings, fastened at the throat with a mole skull. The immense war helmet he wore had the plumes of a blackbird and the horns of a stag beetle adorning it. From beneath the slanted visor his one eye glared viciously out at the Abbey before him.
Every evil warlord needs his Badass Armor.
Redtooth acts as Cluny's mouthpiece again, asking for a parley. Redtooth and Cluny get selected to enter, provided they drop their weapons and Cluny tie his tail around his middle. Also, Cluny has a poison spike on the end of his tail, just because it's awesome. Redtooth shows concern about the badger.
Cluny answered quietly out of the side of his mouth, “Don’t worry, I’ve been watching her. A real big country bumpkin."
After they enter, Matthias says they don't need too many guards, but the Redwall mice don't listen, so Cluny has to scare them off.
They head to Cavern Hole to have their chat, and Cluny misunderstands Matthias' protagonist power.
Cluny could sense hostility emanating from the young mouse who flip-flopped behind him in overlarge sandals.
~sigh~
Strange for one so young to be counted as a captain, he thought.
He allowed himself a peek at the future. One day this would be called Cluny’s Castle. He liked the sound of that. Secure from attack, living off the fat of the land, in his mind’s eye he saw it all: those mice and the woodland creatures enslaved, living just to serve him. He would hold sway as far as the eye could see; power; an end to his rovings; a dream come true; King Cluny!
Cornflower comes in with Drinks, and Matthias shoos her off.
Redtooth nudged Cluny. “Cornflower, eh. Satan’s nose, she’s a pretty little one for you!”
Mentions of Hell et. al: 7
Cluny remained silent. He stood insolently watching Cornflower set the table in Cavern Hole. A pretty one indeed!
She's the equivalent of a thirteen-year-old girl. Furthermore, rats and mice are genetically incompatible. That's two kinds of wrong straight off the bat.
Mortimer asks Cluny his business, and Cluny responds tells them to surrender. Matthias rightly tells him to GTFO. Mortimer apologizes about Matthias and then tells them that he's willing to provide food, clothing, and medical attention. Cluny interrupts and tells Redtooth to read them the articles.
“These are the articles of surrender to be obeyed by all creatures who come under the claw of Cluny the Scourge or any of his commanders.
One: surrender will be total and unconditional.
Two: Cluny will execute the leaders of all who choose to oppose him.
Three: all property conquered will belong solely to Cluny the Scourge. This includes homes, food, crops, land and additionally all creatures dwelling on said property: they shall be owned by Cluny—”
He's interrupted by Matthias' staff destroying the scroll. He goes after Matthias, but Constance smacks him out of midair. Mortimer asks her to let him up, reminding her of the law of hospitality.
Then he gets mad.
“I will not need until tomorrow, rat. You can have my answer now. How dare you come here with your robber band to read articles of death and slavery to me? I tell you that neither you nor your army will ever set paw or claw inside Redwall, not while I or any of my creatures have breath in our bodies to fight and resist you. That is my solemn word.”
Mortimer, I will love you when Matthias finally gets some proper slippers.
Cluny sneered and turned on his heel. Followed by Redtooth, he stamped out. On the stairs between Cavern Hole and Great Hall he stopped and turned, his cold voice echoing between both chambers, “Then die, all of you: every male, female, and young one. You have refused my terms. Now you will suffer the punishment of Cluny. You will beg on your knees for death to come swiftly, but I shall make your torment loud and long before you die!”
Constance doesn't like that:
Exerting the full strength of a female badger, she lifted the massive Cavern Hole dining table. It was a huge solid oaken thing that no dozen mice could even move. Dishes clattered and food spilled as Constance heaved the table above her head. Her voice was a roar.
“Get out, rats! Leave this Abbey! I’m weary of your voices. Hurry before I break the laws of hospitality and ask the Abbot’s pardon later. Go, while you still have skulls.”
I love you Constance.
On his way out, Cluny notices Martin on the tapestry. and Matthiasgives him a history lesson.
“This is Martin the Warrior. He founded our Order, and I’ll tell you something else, rat. Martin was the bravest mouse that ever lived. If he were here today he’d just take up his big sword and send you and all your bullies packing. Those of you he didn’t chop up into crow meat.”
I don't even know what to say to this. It's just... ugh. I don't like it. Anyway, Cluny leaves without giving any more problems, noting that Martin the Warrior is the mouse raped attacked him through his nightmares. Constance continues to be awesome by tossing the scroll of articles- filled with rotten food, too- right into Redtooth's face and then disappearing like a shadow.
Chapter 11
Late at night, Brother Alf sees something in the bushes. Matthias recognizes it as Ambrose Spike. He got needlessly injured because they sent him out there when they were already rigning the bell to tell everyone that s**t was about to go down. Constance pulls an Ackbar and says that they should be wary of traps. Matthias gets an idea of how to get Ambrose in.
Brother Alf watched the little figure flip-flopping off.
Would someone like to count how many times it's been referenced that Matthias' sandals are too big? Because I'm getting tired of reading it.
Anyway, Matthias comes back with... MOLES!!!! They are awesome! With their accents and their common sense and their accents and their diggin rhymes and their accents and... their accents...
Their leader glanced out at the hedgehog. He scratched some hasty calculations on the wall with his claw.
“Oi I think we can get yon ’edgepig back, sur. You’m get us outen the gate and stan’ watch.”
Turning to his team, the Foremole (for that was his official title) began discussing tunnel width, coupled with reverse prickle drag, forward traction and all the other specialist details that are routine to the average qualified tunnel-mole.
MOLES DO MATH!!!
They stand guard outside the gate while one mole goes under to see about the soil.
“Harr, he’m be noice an’ soft, sur. Baint no rock nor root to stop us’ns, straight furrer we’m a-thinking.”
“Oi’ll dig ahead, you’m woiden workin’s. Gaffer and Marge, foller up a-shorin.” He tugged his snout respectfully to Matthias and Constance. “You’m gennelbeast bide by ’ere ’til us back.”
I am twelve again, and not in the perverted way.
They watched the ground humping...
Okay, now I'm twelve again in the perverted way. The moles come up right under Ambrose and drag him in through the underground. Matthias tries to help, but Foremole brushes him off.
“Nay, nay, you uns on’y get yer paws durted.”
Ambrose is brought to the infirmary and attended by Mortimer.
A hasty diagnosis revealed that the hedgehog was suffering from a long jagged wound that ran from the back of his ear to the tip of his paw.
... "Diagnosis?" In this context, that seems like too much. But still... ouch.
“D’you think he’ll live, Father Abbot?”
The Abbot chuckled quietly. He cleaned the long ugly wound and applied a poultice of herbs.
“No cause for alarm, Brother Alf. Ambrose Spike is made of leather and needles. Tough as a boulder, this old ruffian is. Look, he’s beginning to come around already.”
He does, and the first thing he asks for? Liquor. Can't blame him. Anyway, he recounts his tale:
“It must have been near noon when I stopped at Vole Bank. I told the Voles the bad news, and blow me if that little ninny Colin Vole didn’t go to shrieking and screaming all over the place as to how they’d all be murdered in their beds."
That's why I said I didn't like Colin. His screams alert some foraging rats, and they take Colin and his family captive, stab Ambrose with a churchyard spike railing... thing... and leave him to die because he's too spiky to eat.
"Er, is there any more left in that jug? This wound’s giving me jip. I need ale for medicinal purposes, Father Abbot.”
Once again. Can't blame him.
Matthias is about to mount a rescue mission, but the Abbot reads his mind and straigh-up say "no." Once again, Matti sees that they're right and he was being stupid. But he still feels bad because he can't do anything about Colin. He can't sleep that night, so wanders off to talk to Martin.
“Oh Martin, what would you have done in my place? I know that I’m only a young mouse, a novice, not even a proper Redwall member yet, but once you were young too. I know what you would have done. You’d have buckled on your armor, picked up your mighty sword, gone down to that church and battled with the rats until they released the Voles or perished beneath your blade. But alas, those days are gone. I have no magic sword to aid me, only the advice of my elders and betters, to which I must listen.”
Wow. I never remembered Matthias being so... balanced. Most of the other main characters throughout the books are all bravery and badass, but he shows wisdom and humility at the same time.
Looking back down to himself in his baggy green robes and oversized sandals,
~sigh~
Matthias felt hot tears of shame and frustration spilling from his eyes and dripping on his young whiskers. Unable to stop himself, he wept freely. The soft touch of a gentle paw on his back caused him to look around. It was Cornflower.
Oh, balls. Luckily, Cornflower isn't there to laugh, but to give him a pep talk that I just have to quote.
“Matthias, don’t be ashamed, I know why you cry and grieve. It is because you are kind and good, not a hard-hearted pitiless rat like Cluny. Please listen to me. Even the strongest and bravest must sometimes weep. It shows they have a great heart, one that can feel compassion for others. You are brave, Matthias. Already you have done great things for one so young. I am only a simple country-bred fieldmouse, but even I can see the courage and leadership in you. A burning brand shows the way, and each day your flame grows brighter. There is none like you, Matthias. You have the sign of greatness upon you. One day Redwall and all the land will be indebted to you. Matthias, you are a true Warrior.”
Then, she takes off her headband- Yellow, with blue cornflowers on it- and ties it about his arm.
*squee*
Chapter 12
We're back at St. Ninian's church, where Cluny mulls about planning, paying no attention to the Voles.
What thoughts occupied the dark devious mind of Cluny the Scourge?
He obviously wants Martin to come by with his great throbbing... sword.
“Go and get Shadow. Bring him here to me.”
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2171/2533427433_0b03716c68.jpg
I am silly.
The Chief had a plan. Like all of his schemes it would be cunningly simple and wickedly brilliant. There was no better general than Cluny when it came to strategy.
I haven't read this book in a while, but I have the feeling that I'll have to sarcastically quote this line several times before I finish this book.
Shadow had been with Cluny for many years. Nobody was sure if he was rat or weasel, or even a bit of both.
*Goes to check Wikipedia*
Yeah, That's not possible.
He was very lithe and wiry, and his long sinewy body was covered in sleek, black fur. There was no hint of another color in his coat; it was blacker than moonless midnight. His eyes were strangely slanted, black without any brightness in them. The eyes of Shadow were like those of a dead thing.
I wish I had something witty to say to that.
Cluny says he wants Shadow to climb the Abbey walls, and proceeds to give him perfect directions to Great Hall.
"... Walk in, turn around, and on the left wall facing you is a long tapestry covered in pictures and designs. Now listen carefully. In the bottom right- hand corner of that tapestry is a picture of a mouse dressed in armor, leaning on a big sword. I want it! Cut it, rip it, or tear it out, but get it for me. I must have it! Don’t come back without it, Shadow."
...
Fangburn whispered to Cheesethief, “What use is a picture of a mouse to the Chief?”
Remember what was he doing his entire introductory chapter? He probably goes through a lot of cloth. Just sayin'.
Cluny heard. He came to the edge of the pulpit. Grasping the sides of the lectern he surveyed his small congregation like some satanic minister.
Mentions of Hell et. al: 8
"Ah, Brother Fangburn, let me explain. I will tell you why it is that you and all your kind will forever remain servants, while I shall always be the master. Did you not see the faces of those mice today? The mere mention of Martin the Warrior sends them into ecstasies."
I've made far too many sex jokes at this point in the review, so I'm leaving this one alone.
"Martin is some sort of angel; I’m the opposite."
Mentions of Heaven et. al: 2
Mentions of Hell et. al: 9? Okay, 8.5
So now it's pretty obvious what's up: Cluny's going to attack Redwall's morale by stealing Martin away.
Cluny’s tail banged down on the rotting lectern, smashing it into several fragments.
“Bring that picture back here to me. Do this, and your reward will be great when I sit on the Abbot’s chair in Redwall Abbey. But fail me, and your screams will be heard far beyond the woodland and meadows!”
That would have been a lot more threatening if it didn't involve "woodland and meadows."
Chapter 13
Back at Redwall, everyone's taking stock of the food stores. Ambrose reflects on the mice not letting him drink himself into a stupor, and is interrupted by baby moles who ask him where to put stuff. Padding!
Matthias and Constance are busy training the woodlanders, who all have certain skills that they're used to. Otters are slingmasters, and fieldmice have mad arrow skillz. Matthias decides to teach some of the Redwall mice how to use the quarterstaff.
He had discovered in himself a natural skill with the long ash pole.
My personal theory is that Matthias had levels in Monk. I mean, in the animated series, Matti had mad hops.
Of course, that doesn't stop him from harassing the n00bs into attacking him.
“Keep that head guarded, Brother Anthony!”
Thwack!
“I warned you, Brother! Now look out, I’m coming after you again.”
But the harshness pays off... sort of.
“No, no! Don’t just stand there, Brother! Defend yourself! Hit out at me.”
Thwack, crack!
And down Matti goes. Anthony gets recruited for Constance's cudgel and wrestling class. There's also a discussion of the lack of lethal weapons in the Abbey.
“Yes, he’s very strong, but I do wish that we had some real weapons of war — swords and daggers and such like. We won’t kill many rats with wooden staves.”
“Maybe not,” the badger replied. “But you must remember that we are here to defend, not to attack or kill.”
Matthias threw down his staff. He took a dipper of water from an oaken pail, drinking deeply, then splashing the remains over his aching head.
“A wise observation, Constance, but you try telling that to Cluny and his horde. See how far you get.”
At lunch, Matthias bugs Cornflower for a bit before heading over to bond with Methuselah some more. Methuselah, not being an idiot, knows that Matthias wants to find Martin's tomb, because that's where the sword is likely to be.
“That is a thing no creature knows. For many long years now I have puzzled and pored over ancient manuscripts, translating, following hidden trails, always with the same result: nothing. I have even used my gift of tongues, speaking to the bees and others who can go into places too small for us, but always it is the same — rumors, legends and old mouse tales.”
Matthias is about to give up hope, when Methuselah relates an old tale about a sparrow-hawk who claims that the Sparrows stole "something" from the mice of Redwall. Problem: the sparrows live at the top of the Abbey, and as such, it would be necessary to climb up the walls. Which begs the question of how the abbey was built, without steps that led to the top, but whatever, plot is plot.
Chapter 14 and the update will be in the next post, because there's too many characters in this post right now.