New & Improved Assplomancer

[FearlessGnome]

April First calls for silliness.

Now, some of you will have heard of the Assplomancer. He is the guy who is so good at crawling up people's orifices that onlookers will go mad with awesome when they see him. He is a he because, quite frankly, a female would probably find some less insane way of amassing her armies.

In short: Exemplar 5 allows you to improve the attitude of NPCs using any skill as though it was diplomacy. A DC 80 Escape Artist check will let you force your way through a passage too small for you to actually fit in. If the passage is long enough, multiple checks may be called for. Presumably, if you make the first check but not all of them, you get stuck. Presumably all NPCs have orifices. Presumably, only a D&D player would think to put these things together.

Now. Well and good you may say, but what happens when the person whose orifice you want to crawl up is hiding in a fortress made of Walls of Force and Antimagic Sigils as per the Stronghold Builder's Guide? This is a question that has plagued disturbed minds ever since morbid curiosity brought them to this here thread. Well, worry no more. The solution. I present it to you:

Build:
Race: Keeper (Fiend Folio)
Alignment: Neutral Evil
4RHD, LA3. LA will be bought off.
Dedicated to an Elder Evil.
Two flaws, to enable us to pick three 1st level only feats.
Level 20.
Point buy, 32 points.
Str: 8 +8 Keeper -2 Unseelie Fey = 14
Dex: 15 +6 Keeper +5 Tome +2 Unseelie Fey +2 Silthilar Tendons +2 Willing Deformity (Gaunt) = 32
Con: 8 +4 Keeper -2 Unseelie Fey -2 Willing Deformity (Gaunt) +2 Silthilar Bones +5 Tome = 15
Int: 18 +4 Keeper +5 Tome +5 Growth = 32
Wis: 8 -2 Keeper -2 Magic Blooded = 4
Cha: 15 -4 Keeper +2 Unseelie Fey +2 Magic Blooded +5 Tome = 20

Level Breakdown
1: Keeper Racial Hit die (Outsider hitdice if Savage Species Type pyramid is used, otherwise Fey)
2: Keeper Racial Hit die
3: Keeper Racial Hit die
4: Keeper Racial Hit die
5: Factotum1
6: Factotum2
7: Factotum3
8: Monk1
9: Monk2 - Combat Reflexes as a bonus feat, qualifies us for Animal Lord
10: Animal Lord1
11: Exemplar1
12: Exemplar2
13: Exemplar3 - Bonus feat: Agile
14: Exemplar4
15: Exemplar5 - Assplomancy
16: Animal Lord2
17: Psion1 - We want compression
18: Psion2
19: Psion3 - We want Manifester Level 7.
20: Marshal1 - Motivate Charisma. We are immune to Mind Affecting, but for some reason Motivate Charisma provides a Circumstance bonus, and not a morale bonus.

Feats:
1st level: Unnaturally Flexible
1: Slender
1: Cosmopolitan
3: Skill Focus: Escape Artist
6: Any Vile
9: Any Vile
12: Any Vile
15: Any Vile
18: Practiced Manifester

Bonus Vile Feats:
Willing Deformity
Deformity: Gaunt
Chosen of Evil
Any 2 additional Vile feats.

{table=head]|Ability name|Source|Book|Bonus Type|Bonus|Total check
1|Skill Ranks|Leveling up|PHB|Skill|23|23|
2|Racial Bonus|Keeper race|Fiend Folio|Racial|8|31|
3|Flexible Spine|Graft|Lords of Madness|Racial|4|35|
4|Skinny|Trait|UA|Untyped|1|36|
5|Illiterate|Trait|UA|Untyped|1|37|
6|First Totem (Snake Lord)|Animal Lord PrC|Complete Adventurer|Untyped|4|41|
7|Cobra Strike|Monk ACF|UA|Untyped|2|43|
8|Skill Focus Escape Artist|Feat|PHB|Untyped|3|46|
9|Agile|Feat|PHB|Untyped|2|48|
10|Cosmopolitan|Feat|Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting|Untyped|1|49|
11|Unnaturally Flexible|Feat|DR359|Untyped|3|52|
12|Slender|Feat|Dragon324|Untyped|1|53|
13|Mucus Sheath|Graft|Fiend Folio|Circumstance|10|63|
14|Deformity (Gaunt)|Vile Feat|Elder Evils|Circumstance|2|65|
15|Teeth|Sharkskin Armor|Races of Faerun|Circumstance|6|71|
16|Chosen of Evil|Vile Feat|Elder Evils|Insight|9|80|
17|Skill Artistry|Exemplar PrC|Complete Adventurer|Competence|4|84|
18|Slippery Oil|Alchemical Item|Dragon280|Untyped|5|89|
19|Freeglide|Alchemical Item|Complete Adventurer|Alchemical|1|90|
20|Dexterity|Stat Modifier|PHB|Relevant Stat Modifier|11|101|
21|Intelligence|Factotum 3|Dungeonscape|Untyped|11|112|
22|Motivate Dexterity|Marshal 1|Miniatures Handbook|Untyped|5|117|
23|Taking 10|Exemplar PrC|Complete Adventurer|Roll|10|127|
[/table]

There is no reason why most of the individual components in this build should be disallowed. The only weak link is Sharkskin Armor, which provides a bonus to Escape Artist when you are bound with ropes. Now. By RAW, nothing says the bonus only applies to Escape Artist checks to escape from said ropes. RAI? Obviously that's the intent. But by RAW wearing the armor (over your gaunt, mucus covered, thin, slender skin) and tying a rope around one of your legs will make it easier to penetrate a Wall of Force (or other orifice). Also provides free armor spikes.
"Thank you for that vivid imagery"? You're welcome.

Note, however, that the build survives removing the armor, as we still achieve 121 without it.
The Insight bonus does cost one point of con damage every time we use it, so if the sharkskin armor does not offend you with its RAW abuse, wear it, and trade two of those Vile Feats for Double Jointed (Stealth & Style, third party) and Linked Learning (Ultimate Feats, 3.0) for an automatic 120 all day long without the con damage.

So. With 120 on a take 10 and no magic, we can turn a hostile NPC Helpful, or an Unfriendly one Fanatic, even in an Antimagic Field. To make a Hostile NPC Fanatic we need 150. I have serious doubts about this being possible in an AMF without serious cheese (True Mindswitching Kyuss and such), but magic items will get you there like that. A +30 custom item will do it.

There, I think that's everything. Oh, our Psion levels can get us Manifester Level 7 Compression, leaving us Tiny with a +4 size bonus to Dex. This won't matter much for piercing Walls of Force, but it does allow us to crawl up smaller spaces.

Aaand done.

[Wyntonian]

Just a little thing...

You have illiterate as a flaw, giving you a bonus, but you also make use of three attribute tomes. How do you reconcile that? Also, that's really expensive. Yeah, level 20 TO, but eh.

Also, how would you recommend doing this at lower levels? Perhaps in E6?

[FearlessGnome]

In E6? Not the foggiest. If you have the wealth for it, I suppose you can get the skill ranks, the grafts and all the other things that gold can buy, and from there just keep on hoarding Vile feats for that Insight bonus. I don't see the character being much use for actual play, though.

Lower levels in general, well, Exemplar requires 13 skill ranks to enter, and you get the class feature at Exemplar5. Without the diplomacy part, I guess it can be done as soon as you can get an Item Familiar, a +30 custom skill booster, and a spell or two from a friendly caster.

Yes, this is a very theoretical level 20 build. The only thing he does is Escape Artist. (And anorexia, apparently. He weighs 45% of what an average member of his species does...)

Illiterate allows you to spend two skill points to become literate. So in effect, you are trading two skill points for an untyped +1 bonus to one skill.

[PlzBreakMyCmpAn]

but what happens when the person whose orifice you want to crawl up is hiding in a fortress made of Walls of Force and Antimagic Sigils as per the Stronghold Builder's Guide?No means no. :smalleek:

I think by that point, they've made it pretty clear not to crawl up ther

[ShneekeyTheLost]

Needs more Item Familiar and less Craft (Disturbing Mental Image).