Personal Woes and Advice 2

[Skeppio]

It makes a difference to be able to turn to others on this forum for advice, compassion, and support when things are difficult. This is a unique community where friendship, kindness, and acceptance are the rule. Hurtful behavior is rare. When it does occur it is never tolerated, and the staff seek to prevent it from recurring, whether it was caused by a lapse in judgement or intentional cruelty.

It is therefore with great pleasure that I share with you the new rules that will allow friends on this forum to continue to help each other out and to maintain the bonds that grow when friends share their troubles.

I would like to emphasize that these rules are not mine, although I agree with them. The rules were the effort of the entire Giant in the Playground staff, who recognize the need for friends to share their troubles. It was hard work, and they deserve our thanks.

Part of the definition of friendship is the sharing of troubles. That is the goal of this thread: to share our problems in a way that strengthens our community. The new rules are devised to make this possible.

Please carefully read what follows:

THE RULES FOR THE PERSONAL WOES AND ADVICE THREAD

The Personal Woes and Advice thread is a place to discuss our daily troubles and seek advice on minor personal matters that get us down. For serious depression or mental health issues, please seek help from a professional.

Like many other threads here on GitP, we've got a number of rules to help set the tone and head off issues likely to arise in this kind of thread. Please read them carefully and follow them.

1. Of course, follow the Forum Rules (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/announcement.php?a=1). If you haven't read them recently (or ever - *gasp*), you should do so now. And giving them another read before you post something particularly emotionally charged or contentious might also be a good idea. Most relevant to this thread is the rule:



2. This thread is not for the treatment of or the discussion of the treatment of serious depression or mental health issues. Someone posting about those issues or seeking what would seem to call for licensed professional mental health advice should be referred to seek such advice. When in doubt, limit your response to friendly support and a suggestion to seek real world professional help. Think before you offer advice about how to be friendly, supportive, and not offer advice better left to a licensed professional in a professional setting.

3. Feel free to post here to share your feelings, vent, and request advice. It's perfectly fine if you just want to share or commiserate. If you want advice, ask; if you specifically don't want advice, just say so. If you want to be contacted via PM, say so; if not, say that.

4. Romantic issues are probably better discussed in the Relationship Woes and Advice (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=212025) thread.

5. No problem is too small or insignificant. If it's bothering you, feel free to share. People should refrain from weighing or comparing their problems to other people's problems. Minimizing someone's problems or comparing your problems to theirs isn't helpful or friendly. Please don't do that.

6. This is advice that you are getting from friends over the internet. Take it with a grain of salt. This advice is not professional, nor is it always the best.

7. If you feel you are not receiving the help you need, or deem yourself a danger to yourself and/or others, seek professional help immediately!

8. Prescribing medication is something that requires multiple licenses. Please don't do that here or expect others to do that here. If you are on medication and find them not working or not working properly, call your doctor immediately.

9. Please, never suggest to someone that they harm themselves or others.

10. Remember, it is not your job to "fix" anyone here and it is not a requirement for posting here that a person wants to be, or wants their problem to be, "fixed."

And finally: Please remember your safety before posting any personal information or before giving or accepting any support. The following site provides some useful internet safety (http://www.atg.wa.gov/InternetSafety/Adults.aspx) guidance for adults.

Original quote by MonkeyBusiness

[The Succubus]

PW:A 2 - Twice as Nice for Advice!

[WarKitty]

*yowls*

Erm...yeah, we'll go with that. Can't really explain...

[Erloas]

So I missed the first incarnation of this thread. This thread also seems more fitting the the RW&A for most of my problems.
Edit: Or maybe this should be in the normal Relationship thread? I'm never quite sure as its not directly about relationships, but it isn't not about them either. Since its not really about finding or keeping a specific friend and the other thread always very much leans that way.

I don't think I post around here enough for anyone to remember my problems so I'll try to give some context.

I'm very much an introvert and I'm not that talkative with everyone. I've also been talking about this some with real friends.
And I'm sure this will get long and rambling as I try to fit in context and say what I want to say. Or I might just keep it really short.

The overview is that in many cases the more I do with other people the lonelier I get. I feel more alone in a group of people then I do sitting at home being actually alone.
The main reason is that it demonstrates how poorly I'm able to interact with other people. It really bothers me to see my friends act and seem more comfortable with people they've just meet (some very extrovert friends, and at least with the newest center of the issue only a friend for about 3 months now, and a woman but it was pretty clear dating wasn't going to go anywhere with us but we're friends now, but it also happens with quite a few other friends) then they are with me. Its both physically (hugging, casual contact sort of stuff) and conversationally, they seem more involved in interacting with everyone but me.
I know conversationally I just never know what to talk about and casual conversation is just not natural to me. And physically I'm... not uncomfortable with it, but I'm not confident in it either, and I know it at least subconsciously comes across. In fact I really want more of it, I want to get more used to it and get better at it but because I'm not already comfortable with it people avoid it with me and it just makes the problem worse. Sort of a self-replicating problem loop. Even me trying to initiate it myself doesn't work, with the side effect of me feeling like I'm imposing myself on others after a little while.

The other part of it is people tell me I need to "relax" and "loosen up" and I have no idea what they expect from me when they say that. As I feel plenty relaxed already and don't know what they expect me to do differently.

All of the problems seem to be self-repeating, that the fix for them is to not have them in the first place. And that trying to change myself is incredibly difficult in the first place and made all the harder by the (mostly unconsciously done I think) negative feedback I get from others by trying to act differently. It doesn't help that I'm about 10-15 years past the awkward teenage/college days where most people go through this so it seems more out of place and unexpected. Also at least one of the friends I'm trying to get help from for this is so extroverted that I don't think they can relate to the problem at all, but is also the only person locally I feel like I can talk to and has the best opportunity to actually help me with it.

[CoffeeIncluded]

*Groan* I do not have a good feeling about this. One of my classes has a group project, a poster presentation, due next week. I did terribly on the first paper but very well on the second; I have an 89.5 in the class right now so I can get an A, but only if I get As on the rest of the assignments. On the last paper, the one I did well on, my two lab partners came running to me for the data at 10:30 the night before it was due and only started the paper that night, instead of working on it over spring break like a responsible person would (which I guess makes me responsible).

Since this poster is a group project, you can see why I was a bit nervous. I suggested yesterday that we all meet in the library for a couple of hours to work on it. Neither of them showed up. At least one of my partners had the decency to tell me she had gotten started on her part and wouldn't be able to show up. The other partner texted me incoherent and likely drunken responses every time I asked when or if he was coming. :smallannoyed: Instead of working on this group poster project, he got drunk. All day Sunday. And then texted me a half-hearted apology at 9:40 PM. :smallmad: I'm going to have a few...words...with him tomorrow in lab.

EDIT: Oh, and I was assigned these partners. And if he skives on his work, I'm going to make it very, very clear to the teachers that he did not contribute to the poster.

[Eadin]

Just going to repost this here, since it got lost in the switch to the new thread

I just find that I am unable to deal with negative things, panic immediately and go into a sort of defensive mode which often results in me getting angry. I am pushing people away like that and I can't control my anger or panic attacks

[Pyromancer999]

Just going to repost this here, since it got lost in the switch to the new thread

I just find that I am unable to deal with negative things, panic immediately and go into a sort of defensive mode which often results in me getting angry. I am pushing people away like that and I can't control my anger or panic attacks

Anger Management and/or therapy should help

[Skeppio]

Meh, shouldn't post this when there's people with actual problems needing attention, but whatever. :/
I feel like I'm always going to be alone. I know, I keep pestering you with that same old crap, but every time, the result is always the same:
-I try something to escape depression
-I get hope
-I use that hope for a person/goal
-The other person/goal is unattainable or rejects me
-The hope was a waste of time

Every time, I'm shot down. Few even have the courtesy to shoot me down, preferring to just ignore me until I disappear. Just the other day, on a dating-like site, I had the courage to say hi to a woman. After a little chatting, I had to leave, but she said she'd love to chat with me again. Next time I'm on, she's deleted her account and gone. Just my luck, right? That was a big waste of time and certainly doesn't help me in thinking positively when I'm showed once again that it was fruitless. :smallmad:

Why even have hope? It never goes anywhere. If I do well at Uni, sooner or later, it's gonna be completely undermined by a crippling error or 20. If I ask someone out, they're going to either reject me or ignore me until I leave in shame. If I make art that I'm happy with, and want to show people, no-one will bother to give it a look, and even if they do, they won't comment or critique. :smallfrown:

What's the point? I'm obviously not worth anyone's attention. Then of course people will rush in to remind me I have plenty of friends. That's all well and good, but it's not much of a comfort to know the people who care are people I'll never reach or have any sort of closer contact with. :smallsigh:

I know.... "This bad mood will pass, Skep". I know. I also know it'll come back though in full force just like every other time. :smallannoyed: Why bother caring when I have no-one to turn to.....no-one to cuddle... and no-one to love.

[The Succubus]

@ Coffee:

This isn't the first time you've had this problem, is it? I vaguely recall that you had another freeloader on an earlier project of yours. I can't help but wonder whether someone's playing a game here of sorts. Whether the teachers are hoping that by working with a good student like you, that you'll somehow motivate Captain Slacker to get off his backside and do some work. The other possibility which leaves a deeply cynical taste in my mouth is that the teachers *know* Captain Slacker is a screw up and *have* to put him with a good student in order to get his sorry self a passing grade of some sort.

My advice would be to keep an exact record of all that he says and contributes to the group and work more with the other person that seems to be making an effort. Then if he has the nerve to kick up a fuss, simply show the teachers the record of his contributions (including the texts) and they will have no choice but to do something.
@Erloas:

Seems like you picked the right thread to me, as I think this more of a personal deal for you rather than a relationship one. You've recognised the problems quite accurately and seem to be approaching them with a certain distance as well, which is good as it keeps things in perspective. You mention an extrovert friend that you get along quite well with - I think you'd do well to spend more time with this person as they're slowly helping to bring you out of your shell. I think the trick here is to focus on having a small group of close friends - people you can feel comfortable around and trust. While in school/college we all hope to have thousands and thousands of friends, as time wears on you tend to drift away from most of them and those people you truly count as friends will be with you for years to come. I'm only in contact with a couple of guys I used to go to school with but I've known them for about 25 years now (I'm 30) but I think of them as my brothers almost. So in a nutshell, work on improving the bonds you have and don't fret so much about forging new ones.@ Eadin:

Hmmm. I went through a phase of this myself when I got my first job as a student Audiologist. I had a hell of a lot riding on me - it was my first proper job from college, my parents had been crowing about how proud of me they were, blah, blah.

This didn't help. Not one bit. What happened was that I became horribly afraid of failing. Every time my boss called me into her office I was mortally terrified that she was going to fire me or start shouting - it sent my brain into the most horrific spiral of depression and I wasn't exactly Mr Sunshine to begin with...What happened was that I became "lazy", for want of a better word. I knew that if I attempted something, I'd fail and people would be upset/angry with me and so it was safer not to attempt in the first place and that's when I felt the same as you did - panic attacks, snapping at anyone that put even the smallest pressure on me to do something, even if it was just meeting up on the weekend.

Do you think it could be tied to a source of stress somewhere or is it something else?

@ Skeppio:

Expect a PM.

[Rawhide]

Skeppio: You can't rely on other people to be your happiness. It will not work and when they leave, you will be back to square 1. You must be your happiness.

[Skeppio]

Skeppio: You can't rely on other people to be your happiness. It will not work and when they leave, you will be back to square 1. You must be your happiness.

:smallconfused: I cannot fathom how that can work. Be my own happiness? If I'm still alone and lonely and everything, what point is there in being happy? It benefits no-one. And in that sense, it doesn't benefit me, because I know there's no purpose for it.

Simply put: I can't operate in a state of loneliness and isolation.

[Serpentine]

This is one of the first Secrets in my Playground Post Secret thingy:

http://i1064.photobucket.com/albums/u366/GiantInThePlayground/image2520.png

Seems relevant...

[Starsign]

Hi everyone. I've been having difficulties lately. I wish it wasn't such an issue during exams... :smallsigh:

I've always had an issue with trying to move on from past arguments, mistakes, or incidents I was involved in; however I've had a lot of difficulty lately trying to move on from a certain one that has happened about over a month ago. Every now and then I end up feeling like I'm completely over it, and then the next I'm in despair over the past issue. My mood swings in opposite directions frequently over this matter and it's been something I'm trying to get over, but have been unable to for awhile. I don't really have anyone to talk about it. My younger brother doesn't understand and my parents are rarely around due to full-time work, so I guess I've come to talk about it here if that's alright.

[Serpentine]

What's the mistake, argument or incident?

[Rawhide]

:smallconfused: I cannot fathom how that can work. Be my own happiness? If I'm still alone and lonely and everything, what point is there in being happy? It benefits no-one. And in that sense, it doesn't benefit me, because I know there's no purpose for it.

Simply put: I can't operate in a state of loneliness and isolation.

I didn't say that you have to be alone, I said that you cannot rely on someone else to be your happiness. Your post indicates that you're looking for someone else to pull you out of your slump. Stop. Forget about it. Only you can pull yourself out. Trained professionals can help, and appropriate medication may be necessary, but only you can pull yourself out. You cannot expect someone you haven't met yet to magically change things for you. You need to do that first, then go looking for someone to spend time with.

[Starsign]

What's the mistake, argument or incident?

It was an argument, I bowed out before it became an incident or something worse. It was mostly a clash of ideas and opinions, probably misunderstandings too.

...Okay it's more than that if I'm going to be specific, but that's the general, loose, explanation in a sentence. :smallredface:

[Erloas]

Starsign:
I've tended to dwell on the particulars of conversations and events for entirely too long and worried about what I said and did.
What I have found is that in reality most people really don't make nearly as big of a deal out of what you've said/done as you do. There are of course exceptions, but from the sounds of what you've written you didn't say or do anything really bad, just something you regret. Its probably not nearly as big of a deal for them as it is for you.
What I have also found, is that it is easier to simply talk to the person about it and get it over with. If they are a good friend they will talk about it, and from the sounds of it it wasn't anything to get them to instantly hate you anyway.
I've ended up saying quite a bit to friends which I really questioned whether or not I should have said, and the friends that are worth having have always still been there and have accepted me still.

Skeppio: (but also saying a lot about myself)
The whole feeling lonely thing and how I handled it has put me in the situation I'm in now. Of course there were a lot of secondary aspects to how and why I handled it the way I did and I'm sure there are a lot of different ones for you as well. Since I don't know them I'll just tell you a bit of what I did and what I have learned since.
First, although sometimes it seems impossible, happiness and loneliness are *not* mutually exclusive. They are not opposites. The hardest part here is that not being happy makes it much less likely for people to be friendlier and more open with you, I don't think its intentional or even consciously done. But if you feel bad about yourself it sort of makes the problem worse, the hardest part by far is figuring out how to break out of that loop... and its what I'm still trying to figure out myself.

I think the biggest mistake I made in dealing with being lonely is that I started ignoring or even coming to resent some of the people and activities that I liked because they couldn't help me be less lonely. And in the activities side of things I felt they were making me unappealing, when in reality they were only unappealing to people that wouldn't like me anyway and that someone that would accept me would accept me if I was doing them or not.

What I have also come to realize over the years, and this took entirely too long for me to figure out, is that having good friends are much more important then having a relationship. And it can be hard to know ahead of time who is going to be a good friend and who isn't. One of my best friends now I had actually known for years but didn't take the opportunity to make her a real friend until last year. Another person that has became a good friend I'm really surprised about because we have nothing in common and are about as opposite as two people can be but still for some reason we are friends. The three people I like the most are all women but are all unavailable to me for various reasons (and I don't see that changing with any of them), the irony about it is that I'm both happier and more lonely when I get to hang out with any of them (rare for 2/3 as they are 1000 and 2000 miles away). I know 4-5 years ago I would have dismissed/ignored/not bothered keeping in contact with the most recent two because they were unavailable, but I realize now how stupid that would be.

What I have also learned from them is that I can make a mistake, or 20, and they will still be my friends. What this also means is that I can make mistakes with other people and, if they are worth the effort, they will still be there after the mistakes. The "if they are worth the effort" is the key though, there will be a lot of people that aren't worth the effort, and its actually hard to tell who those people are until you've made the mistakes and find out if they are still around or not afterwards.

I don't know if any of that is any real help. But the main point is that you have to be happy with what you DO have and keep looking. The worse thing you can do (which is what I did) is to stop looking, stop trying, and shut yourself away from anything that makes you feel lonely.

As an aside, I would also recommend exercise. It really is a cure-all for so many problems. It will make you feel better in many ways. It will also give you more opportunities to meet other people. And making yourself feel better will also make others feel better about you.
myself:
Take what I said to Skeppio and read what is implied there in. And note that its much easier to realize what I need to do then to be able to do it myself. I'm pretty sure I know what my problems are, I think I know what I need to do to fix them, but at times I'm still having an incredibly difficult time actually doing it.

I've found a few times when my social problems seem to just vanish and I do great with other people. Its really inconsistent though and not something I can replicate. Even the same people on different days it sort of comes and goes.

Like last night I meet the new instructor at the gym and I talked to her a decent amount. I know some of it was having obvious context of what to talk about, but there is more to it then that... I just can't really recognize what all was different. So I don't really know what to do to replicate that later.

[CoffeeIncluded]

@ Coffee:

This isn't the first time you've had this problem, is it? I vaguely recall that you had another freeloader on an earlier project of yours. I can't help but wonder whether someone's playing a game here of sorts. Whether the teachers are hoping that by working with a good student like you, that you'll somehow motivate Captain Slacker to get off his backside and do some work. The other possibility which leaves a deeply cynical taste in my mouth is that the teachers *know* Captain Slacker is a screw up and *have* to put him with a good student in order to get his sorry self a passing grade of some sort.

My advice would be to keep an exact record of all that he says and contributes to the group and work more with the other person that seems to be making an effort. Then if he has the nerve to kick up a fuss, simply show the teachers the record of his contributions (including the texts) and they will have no choice but to do something.


Oh believe me, I'm keeping an exact record. I've got all the texts saved, I'm making a chart of who said they'd do a part of the project versus who actually did it, I'm going to very meticulous on it. And no, we were grouped together randomly.

[Eadin]

@ Eadin:

Hmmm. I went through a phase of this myself when I got my first job as a student Audiologist. I had a hell of a lot riding on me - it was my first proper job from college, my parents had been crowing about how proud of me they were, blah, blah.

This didn't help. Not one bit. What happened was that I became horribly afraid of failing. Every time my boss called me into her office I was mortally terrified that she was going to fire me or start shouting - it sent my brain into the most horrific spiral of depression and I wasn't exactly Mr Sunshine to begin with...What happened was that I became "lazy", for want of a better word. I knew that if I attempted something, I'd fail and people would be upset/angry with me and so it was safer not to attempt in the first place and that's when I felt the same as you did - panic attacks, snapping at anyone that put even the smallest pressure on me to do something, even if it was just meeting up on the weekend.

Do you think it could be tied to a source of stress somewhere or is it something else?


My school is not going well, and my family expects a lot from me. A friend I care deeply about is sinking further into depression and growing more colder and distant by the minute and I can't seem to help them, they fade away from me.
It seems I am unable to do anything I really wish to do.
I have come to hate myself for not being good enough for those I care about..

[Yora]

Today I started testing Ritalin for my ADHD, since all other tests didn't show any signs for other physical or mental problems. Took the first one 15 minutes ago and now anticipating if I will notice any effects. :smallbiggrin:

Also, the IQ test I took among many other indicated an IQ of 134. I'm not sure if it was a complete test and based on what standard, but that'd be roughly entrance level for Mensa, which I think is pretty cool. :smalltongue:

[The Succubus]

My school is not going well, and my family expects a lot from me. A friend I care deeply about is sinking further into depression and growing more colder and distant by the minute and I can't seem to help them, they fade away from me.
It seems I am unable to do anything I really wish to do.
I have come to hate myself for not being good enough for those I care about..

*hugs*

You're putting way too much pressure on yourself, sweetie. Between the expectations of your friend, your family and your own self, no wonder it's getting to you.

If it's okay, can you tell me a little more about each individual bit:

@School

@Friend

@Family

It'll be easier to come up with a solution if you break it down into different bits. Helping someone with depression is hard because even the most cheerful person in the world will have trouble coping. One thing you have to do hun is set aside time for yourself and give your brain a chance to recharge. It doesn't matter how you do this, whether its gaming, reading, listening to music or even just getting a week of early nights to top up your sleep. But you have to do this. You won't be able to help your friend if you're feeling blue yourself.

With the other two, treat what goes on at school as your own affair. The time you set aside to do the coursework and what not is time *you* want to set aside - not because your teachers expect it, not because your folks expect it but because you want to cross off a little bit of work from your to-do list. The other thing is, if you're feeling stressed at school, the people that will most likely be able to help are your teachers, rather than your parents. Better yet, if you have a couple of friends doing the same courses as you, organise homework nights together. Get some drinks and some nibbles and then do some work together for just a couple of hours and follow it up with a movie or something afterwards.

The point is, I reckon you'll find you can do the work a lot more easily without a whole bunch of folk breathing down your neck.



@Yora

It's been a while since you've posted here which I'm going to take as an encouraging sign. :smallsmile: I hope the new medication works out for you.

[Rawhide]

Also, the IQ test I took among many other indicated an IQ of 134. I'm not sure if it was a complete test and based on what standard, but that'd be roughly entrance level for Mensa, which I think is pretty cool. :smalltongue:

First, Mensa entrance isn't based on the IQ score, as it's different for every test, but based on the percentile. You need to be in the 98th or higher percentile (higher than 98% of the population, aka top 2%).

Mensa also doesn't accept every test. What test did you do and what percentile score did you get?

[WarKitty]

So...graduate school. Grr.

The thing is, I really am in a place where I have to be perfect. I know that sounds silly, but it's true. I'm in a hugely competitive field where maybe only a third to a quarter of us who start here will finish. Given that there's such an overwhelmingly greater number of candidates than spots, any weakness is a reason to reject someone. Not to mention that impressions really do matter here - how good of an impression you make can literally determine whether you have a chance.

And I'm effectively stuck trying to stay at the top while managing multiple health problems. I'm tired of it. I'm not being seen for my skills, I'm being seen for my health problems. I'm not even getting a chance to address my health problems, because my work/school takes up so much time and energy, but my job is tied to my staying in school, and there's really just not much else available that would pay the bills.

I'd be happy if I could compete fairly. Even if I lost. What I'm not happy about is losing based on perfectly treatable, temporary issues that could be addressed if I could just find the time and money without having it all sucked away.

[Mono Vertigo]

So, I've tried dealing with an identity crisis of sort, but this time, I don't know what to make of it.
I'm Jewish through my late father (which should not actually make me Jewish at all given the way it works, I know). He hated his family (and turned that hate into antisemitism), and as a result, didn't introduce me to Jewish culture or anything related. Whenever I would visit his family, I wasn't able to understand most of these cultural references, which widened the gap between us (probably led them to think I was a terrible cousin/niece and act on their greed later without remorse, but that's another story for another time). I only regret it today because it made me unable to relate to my grandmother (a very Jewish woman who barely escaped the Shoah and lost all her family in the process); much like my father, I don't want anything to do with his side of my family anymore.
Also, I'm atheist. All of this should mean that I am not Jewish.
However, whenever I hear an antisemitic joke, I'm hurt and feel personally insulted. Whenever Jews are targeted by racists, I'm afraid for my well-being, because I know that these people don't really care about my beliefs or culture, only about my last name and origins. I don't actively describe myself as Jewish, and yet, I take personally all the negativity.

The Jewish identity is a complex thing, more complex than most other religions where your faith is the only important factor, and more complex than most ethnicities, where genealogy, and sometimes looks, are clearly the determining characteristics. That much I've been told by several sources. Doesn't help a lot.

So, basically, I only seem to identify as Jewish on a subconscious level when I can be offended by things. That can't be right. I want to separate myself from that identity, as I am not a believer, and I'm not particularly interested by it, but I don't know how to do it. There's nothing I do that can be tied to it (I did research WWII, because my grandmother, who's still living, was directly affected by it). Well, I'd like to visit my grandmother sometime, but I really don't want to risk meeting her descendants again, or have her reveal anything about me; can't get closure through her or assure her I haven't forgotten her. Yes, I know, I'm a terrible granddaughter. Maybe my dilemma is linked to that situation.

TL;DR: not a big issue, but a chronic one.

[Yora]

There hadn't been any new developments except for doing more tests before getting the results today. Since there's lots that indicates to ADHD and we pretty much ruled out anything else that would commonly create the same symptoms, we're now checking if ADHD medication does the job. If it does, then it's probably the cause. If it doesn't work, we'll have to start looking for more exotic causes. But I am quite confident.

First, Mensa entrance isn't based on the IQ score, as it's different for every test, but based on the percentile. You need to be in the 98th or higher percentile (higher than 98% of the population, aka top 2%).

Mensa also doesn't accept every test. What test did you do and what percentile score did you get?
I actually don't care at all for Intelligence tests and just looking at them always makes me doubt the methodology. Also smartness doesn't work that way. I just made an online test for fun, which got me 121, which would put me in the top 8%, while 134 would be in the top 1,2%. When I was 13 or so, I made one that got 104, which would be the top 40%. Yay! You'd probably have to make a dozen or so tests based on different standards and then average the results to get a somewhat clear final result. And even that just tells you how good you are at the tasks the tests are made of.
And yeah, having another accute phase of snarkiness today, Mensa is a stupid club. There are people who have special needs because they develop so much faster than other children that makes it difficult to aquire proper social skills and integrate socially, but I think that's a lot less people than the top 2%. They don't need support groups.

[Rawhide]

I actually don't care at all for Intelligence tests and just looking at them always makes me doubt the methodology. Also smartness doesn't work that way. I just made an online test for fun, which got me 121, which would put me in the top 8%, while 134 would be in the top 1,2%. When I was 13 or so, I made one that got 104, which would be the top 40%. Yay! You'd probably have to make a dozen or so tests based on different standards and then average the results to get a somewhat clear final result. And even that just tells you how good you are at the tasks the tests are made of.
And yeah, having another accute phase of snarkiness today, Mensa is a stupid club. There are people who have special needs because they develop so much faster than other children that makes it difficult to aquire proper social skills and integrate socially, but I think that's a lot less people than the top 2%. They don't need support groups.

You could have an IQ of 147 and not be in the top 2%, or you could have an IQ of 130 and be in the top 2%. The IQ score you quoted is absolutely meaningless unless you know the test.

And yes, every IQ test has biases. Which is why Mensa delivers two different tests if you sit one of their sessions. You only need to get on the 98% percentile on one of them.

[WarKitty]

So...graduate school. Grr.

The thing is, I really am in a place where I have to be perfect. I know that sounds silly, but it's true. I'm in a hugely competitive field where maybe only a third to a quarter of us who start here will finish. Given that there's such an overwhelmingly greater number of candidates than spots, any weakness is a reason to reject someone. Not to mention that impressions really do matter here - how good of an impression you make can literally determine whether you have a chance.

And I'm effectively stuck trying to stay at the top while managing multiple health problems. I'm tired of it. I'm not being seen for my skills, I'm being seen for my health problems. I'm not even getting a chance to address my health problems, because my work/school takes up so much time and energy, but my job is tied to my staying in school, and there's really just not much else available that would pay the bills.

I'd be happy if I could compete fairly. Even if I lost. What I'm not happy about is losing based on perfectly treatable, temporary issues that could be addressed if I could just find the time and money without having it all sucked away.

I guess my whole frustration is that the system seems designed to "weed out" people who don't fit into narrow and often arbitrary standards, instead of providing support. Which means it's basically impossible with any sort of disability or extra stuff going on.

[Rawhide]

I guess my whole frustration is that the system seems designed to "weed out" people who don't fit into narrow and often arbitrary standards, instead of providing support. Which means it's basically impossible with any sort of disability or extra stuff going on.

You know, most universities have a disability office. You should look into it and register with them, they can help you out with things (should you need them) like extensions, changing exam times, extra time in exams, getting an examination room all to yourself, reducing your workload, and putting you in contact with the right people to help you. Obviously you may not need all of those things, and they can usually do more than that, but those are some examples.

[WarKitty]

You know, most universities have a disability office. You should look into it and register with them, they can help you out with things (should you need them) like extensions, changing exam times, extra time in exams, getting an examination room all to yourself, reducing your workload, and putting you in contact with the right people to help you. Obviously you may not need all of those things, and they can usually do more than that, but those are some examples.

Honestly I don't think it'll help with my concerns. And I'm afraid to be considered disabled, because there's a significant attitude of "why would we take a disabled candidate when there are so many more clamoring to get in." Special treatment and all that. We don't even have exams at this level. Extra time on papers is easy to get, but it generates a backlog and I end up getting further behind. And a large part of my problem is that I miss all the stuff that's technically extra-curricular, but also completely necessary if you want to get anywhere. Plus I'm just so concerned about making a good impression, I want to "get top-quality work done", not just "get the work done." It's hard to explain if you've never been in that environment, but probably a majority of the determiners of who does or doesn't get to go on are in stuff that's not technically requirements.

What I really need is a year off, but then I don't have anywhere to go.

Edit: I actually tried that at undergrad. Lots of work and time wasted to get told "we can't do anything for you." It's not just that I don't need *all* those things, it's that none of the stuff I need seems to be on the list of what they address.

[Rawhide]

I can understand why you would be afraid to be seen as "disabled", but honestly, the university doesn't care. Quite the contrary, they want to see you succeed and will usually do their absolute best to see you through and get you to the next level. Some even have special openings only for those with a disability, in order to allow those who would be excluded because of their disability, but otherwise meet the requirements, to gain entrance.

[WarKitty]

I can understand why you would be afraid to be seen as "disabled", but honestly, the university doesn't care. Quite the contrary, they want to see you succeed and will usually do their absolute best to see you through and get you to the next level. Some even have special openings only for those with a disability, in order to allow those who would be excluded because of their disability, but otherwise meet the requirements, to gain entrance.

Again, it's a little hard to explain. Two things here:

(1) The university has no control over whether I get to the next level, since I would have to go somewhere else for that. It's all up to impressing an admissions committee somewhere else with my papers and references.

(2) Recommendations are BIG in my field. Seriously, the quality and opinions of your recommenders can make or break you. So it's a big deal if you can't impress the faculty in your department, at least enough of them to get your 3 letters (and we only have like 6, 2 of which don't share any of my interests). Opinion might be more important than actually completing your work, honestly.

Edit: In any case I'm just not sure what they'd do. I don't want extensions, I don't want less work, I just want to actually have the chance to get proper medical care for once!

[WarKitty]

I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated. My students are clamoring for more information and assignments back before the finals, and I'm curled up trying to stave off a panic attack. I'm afraid - what happens if I can't write a final in time? Or get grades in? What happens when my students complain about not getting work back to study from? Why does all the financial aid have to be tied to teaching stupid intro classes anyway? I'm desperately behind on work, I've got the department chair fussing at me, and I just don't think I can do it.

One of my friends disappeared for a week around Christmas last year. Maybe I should try that - it seems to be the only way to actually get any help around here.

[Frozen_Feet]

So, just when I thought my life might start picking up, I lost my job. For a reason I can best describe only as bad luck. Which is hugely ironic, since it was Friday 13th. I thought these kinds of things only happen in movies.

http://cdn.thegloss.com/files/2011/03/regret_trooper-490x392.jpg

Curiously, I don't feel that bummed out about it. Maybe because I instantly put some effort to find a place to continue in, and I already have a job interview coming up. So, it might be much less of a setback than I initially feared. But if I have to go through a third lapse of unemployment lasting six months or more, I swear I'll go postal. And I don't mean in the sense of working in mail delivery. :smalltongue:

[Yora]

So day one of my ADHD medication comes to an end.

Interestingly, I didn't notice any effect until about 4 hours later, when it's actually supposed to wear off. But I very much noted when it wore off about an hour later. From a 9 out of 10 in regard to my concentration, I'd now place myself at 2 or a low 3. I actually was 5 minutes in the kitchen and generally aimlessly wandering around my appartment between the last two sentences... *sigh* :smallsigh:

The only side effect I noted is the lack of hunger and thirst, which might become a bit of a problem.
Crap, I've just been wandering the room again! :smallbiggrin: Thank god we're finally starting the medication trial now. These will be interesting three weeks.

[CoffeeIncluded]

So day one of my ADHD medication comes to an end.

Interestingly, I didn't notice any effect until about 4 hours later, when it's actually supposed to wear off. But I very much noted when it wore off about an hour later. From a 9 out of 10 in regard to my concentration, I'd now place myself at 2 or a low 3. I actually was 5 minutes in the kitchen and generally aimlessly wandering around my appartment between the last two sentences... *sigh* :smallsigh:

The only side effect I noted is the lack of hunger and thirst, which might become a bit of a problem.
Crap, I've just been wandering the room again! :smallbiggrin: Thank god we're finally starting the medication trial now. These will be interesting three weeks.

Yora, that's exactly what happens with me. Unless I'm thinking about it, I don't notice its effects until it's worn off and then there goes the focus...Also, I personally consider the lack of hunger and thirst a bonus; it helps me keep my weight stable.

[rogueboy]

So day one of my ADHD medication comes to an end.

Interestingly, I didn't notice any effect until about 4 hours later, when it's actually supposed to wear off. But I very much noted when it wore off about an hour later. From a 9 out of 10 in regard to my concentration, I'd now place myself at 2 or a low 3. I actually was 5 minutes in the kitchen and generally aimlessly wandering around my appartment between the last two sentences... *sigh* :smallsigh:

The only side effect I noted is the lack of hunger and thirst, which might become a bit of a problem.
Crap, I've just been wandering the room again! :smallbiggrin: Thank god we're finally starting the medication trial now. These will be interesting three weeks.

My advice would be to keep track of how your days go, and what effects you do/don't notice with them. Your psychiatrist should be able to adjust the medication and/or dosage much more effectively if you can give them as much detail as possible.

I'd also expect that seeing some effect on your first round of experimentation is a good sign. I don't know enough about that to know for sure, but it certainly sounds like a good sign to me.

[Yora]

Yora, that's exactly what happens with me. Unless I'm thinking about it, I don't notice its effects until it's worn off and then there goes the focus...Also, I personally consider the lack of hunger and thirst a bonus; it helps me keep my weight stable.
While I did become a bit soft on the stomach, I don't have much there would be to lose. And the problem is that I used to eat very irregularly, with hunger really being the deciding factor for when I think I should eat something. Guess comming up with a planned schedule would be the best idea.
What suprised me is that once I've started eating late this evening, hunger did come within minutes. Which I think would match with what I read about Ritalin abuse in healthy people, that they still perceive things, but just don't care about it. It's as if once I started eating, my body was like "oh yeah, now that you mention it, eating would be a very good idea".

Today was only one tablet to check if I suffer from any immediate side effects. Unfortunately I still have to get an EEG, just to be sure the symptoms are not actually caused by another neural problem that would went ignored and left untreated because the ADHD medication supresses the symptoms. But since I've noticed the symptoms for over a decade and others for my whole life, and I had EEGs in the past, I don't think anything will show up, but better safe then sorry. But that means I have to be checked in my "normal" state and can start with the two week trial period only after that. First it's seven days with 5mg four times a day, then seven days with 10mg four times a day, and then we'll evaluate if I should get long term treatment and at what dosage. But given this evening, I think we're on track.

[Eadin]

*hugs*

You're putting way too much pressure on yourself, sweetie. Between the expectations of your friend, your family and your own self, no wonder it's getting to you.

If it's okay, can you tell me a little more about each individual bit:

@School

@Friend

@Family

It'll be easier to come up with a solution if you break it down into different bits. Helping someone with depression is hard because even the most cheerful person in the world will have trouble coping. One thing you have to do hun is set aside time for yourself and give your brain a chance to recharge. It doesn't matter how you do this, whether its gaming, reading, listening to music or even just getting a week of early nights to top up your sleep. But you have to do this. You won't be able to help your friend if you're feeling blue yourself.

With the other two, treat what goes on at school as your own affair. The time you set aside to do the coursework and what not is time *you* want to set aside - not because your teachers expect it, not because your folks expect it but because you want to cross off a little bit of work from your to-do list. The other thing is, if you're feeling stressed at school, the people that will most likely be able to help are your teachers, rather than your parents. Better yet, if you have a couple of friends doing the same courses as you, organise homework nights together. Get some drinks and some nibbles and then do some work together for just a couple of hours and follow it up with a movie or something afterwards.

The point is, I reckon you'll find you can do the work a lot more easily without a whole bunch of folk breathing down your neck.
@school:
it's not that it's too heavy or the work load is too much, I just can't focus. I find it hard to study for the courses that bore me and am not interested in, while i get very good grades on what I find interesting. I also have no idea what I want to do for a living later, which complicates things ...

@ friend managed to talk to them again, they were distant.
He has a lot of problems which I can't help with, and he doesn't want to admit he needs help, which leads to him shutting people out because he doesn't want to burden them. The big distance between me and them doesn't help.

@ family is all in all most of an annoyance. They are old fashioned and don't accept other opinions. They nag a lot but won't stop loving me. Won't stop nagging either.

[The Succubus]

@school:
it's not that it's too heavy or the work load is too much, I just can't focus. I find it hard to study for the courses that bore me and am not interested in, while i get very good grades on what I find interesting. I also have no idea what I want to do for a living later, which complicates things ...

@ friend managed to talk to them again, they were distant.
He has a lot of problems which I can't help with, and he doesn't want to admit he needs help, which leads to him shutting people out because he doesn't want to burden them. The big distance between me and them doesn't help.

@ family is all in all most of an annoyance. They are old fashioned and don't accept other opinions. They nag a lot but won't stop loving me. Won't stop nagging either.

Hmmm.

@ School:

This is one of the things that threw me for six when I left college. For years I had been aiming for a career in computing - it was a subject I was interested in, had a natural aptitude for and had selected my qualifications with that in mind. Then one Friday afternoon, I was working on an Access database and I was bored to tears and a thought popped into my head.

"I'm going to be doing this for the rest of my life"

...and I shuddered and it twigged that doing something I enjoyed as a hobby as a career would suck all the fun and enjoyment out of it, especially if it wasn't a creative one. The point is, don't fret too much about careers and jobs in college as you are still exploring yourself and what you want out of life. My advice would be to work on the things that tickle your interest and show your family that this is the field in what you want to do. The other qualifications can take a back seat.

@ Depressed friend:

As someone once said to me - you cannot take responsibility for someone else's happiness and you cannot help someone that doesn't want to be helped. Sometimes the only thing you can do is listen when they're upset and even though you give them advice which seems the best in the world, odds are they probably won't act on it. Be there for him when he needs you but make sure your friends are there when you need them. When the depression really kicks in and he starts lashing out at the ones he loves and cares about, you will need a hug.

@ Family:

Heh - from reading that hun, it sounds like part of you wants to hug them and the other half wants to brain them. :smalltongue: All they really want is to see you do well, so if you can show them you have a plan, they might ease off a bit. As I said above with the courses, if you can show to them that you're going to concentrate your efforts on areas A & B and say that while you're not giving up on C, you want to focus your energy and effort on an area that you know you can do well.

[Eadin]

Hmmm.

@ School:

This is one of the things that threw me for six when I left college. For years I had been aiming for a career in computing - it was a subject I was interested in, had a natural aptitude for and had selected my qualifications with that in mind. Then one Friday afternoon, I was working on an Access database and I was bored to tears and a thought popped into my head.

"I'm going to be doing this for the rest of my life"

...and I shuddered and it twigged that doing something I enjoyed as a hobby as a career would suck all the fun and enjoyment out of it, especially if it wasn't a creative one. The point is, don't fret too much about careers and jobs in college as you are still exploring yourself and what you want out of life. My advice would be to work on the things that tickle your interest and show your family that this is the field in what you want to do. The other qualifications can take a back seat.

I'm trying to do so, I just feel very sad I can't seem to find something I /really/ find interesting. I'm very good with languages yet the courses bore me or are too theoretical and my mind goes boom from information overload.


@ Depressed friend:

As someone once said to me - you cannot take responsibility for someone else's happiness and you cannot help someone that doesn't want to be helped. Sometimes the only thing you can do is listen when they're upset and even though you give them advice which seems the best in the world, odds are they probably won't act on it. Be there for him when he needs you but make sure your friends are there when you need them. When the depression really kicks in and he starts lashing out at the ones he loves and cares about, you will need a hug.
I know I can't, it's just that we made some sort of promise to try and make each other happy again. And I have come to depend on him a bit, because he actually did manage to make me a bit happier. Which why I hate it that I can't help him too.
And he has closed down completely, won't talk to me for weeks and when he says something it's cold and uncaring. I'm not sure what to do, but giving up on him is not one of the options. And the other friends, they don't even know I feel so bad. Reaching them is hard enough, and I don't feel like I can talk to them about these things.

[fergo]

Read this (http://www.menspeakup.org/why-rape-jokes-are-never-ok), re-apply the context.

Interesting article, thanks :smallsmile:

[Yora]

I've started taking Ritalin now, and it's working quite well. The only real sideeffect I noticed is a very slight headache at some time, but not as bad that it would bother me, and I don't notice it most of the time.

The other thing is that the reduced sensation of pain seems to mostly take away my ability to feel when my legs are falling asleep. Which with my bony legs and the way I happen to sit happens quite easily when I don't shift a bit every couple of minutes, which I do less now that I don't notice it as much. I found out on the first day when standing up from my chair and immediately falling over because my legs didn't support me. Simply standing up first and then starting to walk instead of doing both at the same time seems to be doing the trick and I've been doing fine since then, but those two bruises will stay with me for a while. :smallbiggrin:

The positive effects are quite interesting. It's nothing dramatic (though I'll be doubling the dose next week to see how that works) and a gradual change, but now I can tell very easily if it has already kicked in or if it has worn off already. the most drastic change is in my field of vison: My primary vision narrows from about 120° to maybe 15 to 25° with everything outside this area becoming peripheral vision. It feels a bit like having massive blind spots on both sides of my field of vision, or similar to how it feels when you enter a dark area with only one eye adjusted to the darkness. That really is quite helpful in not noticing what's going on around me.
While it does not affect my eyesight at all, it also appears like I see things which I look it more clearly. It's not sharper or helps seeing smaller things or finer textures, but I guess the reduced field of vision allows more brain capacity to be spend on analyzing the data that I get. Really a bit weird and hard to describe. "Focus" really seems to be the word for it, though I don't see things sharper or bigger. It's also appearing a bit sterile though.
Probably most importantly, it's getting a bit more quiet in my mind. Like turning off the bubbles in a whirlpool. It's more tidy and calmer in my thoughts. Not dramatically, but I do notice when I concentrate on it. And I have to say, for the first time in close to 15 years, I once again felt bored. Nothing to do, nothing that I really felt like doing, and also searching for something to occupy me. The first two parts happen to me all the time, but usually there's enough activity in my head to not feel an urgent need for any stimulation. I think I can see how other people feel their ADHD medication reduces their creativity and even turns them into zombies. But right now, it rather feels like I am getting even a bit more creative, since my mind stays more focus on the idea and analyzing it instead of playing around with the idea more aimlessly.
For me it's no big cutrain being opened or a veil torn away, but I think my ADHD is relatively mild to begin with. Next week I'll be trying a whole week with double to dose to see how that turns out. I suspect it might be a bit too much and give my tunnel vision or make the world a bit too quiet and tidy for me.

[SMEE]

The Rainbow Mod: Thread re-opened.

[Sturmcrow]

I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated..
I empathize and understand your frustration. I wish I could offer some advice or help. I graduated with a BA in English & Psychology, I did not get accepted at either of the two schools I applied to grad school.
While waiting to reapply I took the only job I could find working in a warehouse at the local Newspaper and I herniated a disc in my back. The more and more time has passed the farther away the goal of getting into Grad school and obtaining my Masters seems.

Is there any avenues of information you can look into? people in the field you wish to get into or grad students you could discuss your worries with?

Don't give up.

[Skeppio]

Why? Why am I such a vile person? With no impulse control no matter how hard I try and how much I promise myself I'll be careful. All I ever do is ruin friendships through my own anger and stupidity.

More and more people grow sick of me. Because I can never do anything right. All I do is take out my anger on them and never trust them. All I ever do is make them feel miserable and worthless, because I'm full of nothing but self-hatred and spite and I take it out on them. They're wonderful people, and far more than I deserve.

I want to say how sorry I am to everyone. But the people who I desperately want to see this have either blocked me, or won't see it. :smallfrown:
I'm sorry to all of you. You were more than I ever deserved, and I'm sorry I screwed up every time and made you feel awful.

[The Succubus]

Once upon a time a small village lived on the shores of a mighty lake. Surrounded by forests and nestled in a valley, the lake was a beautiful sight and brought peace and serenity to troubled souls.

In the lake, there lived a water sprite and for many years she worked closely with the people of the village and had a special magic to help them. If a person needed a hammer, they would walk down to the lakeside and leave a screwdriver or a set of pliers on the shore. During the night, the water sprite would search the bottom of the lake and find what the people of the village needed. The next morning, the item would be there for them. In this way, the people of the village and the water sprite lived in harmony for many years.

Over the course of time, a city sprung up on the opposite side of the lake, populated by people that had heard tales about the quiet and prosperous village. The city people had a difficult life - unsure of themselves, stressed out and full of the woes that affect those that live in cities. The water sprite saw the people of the city and was moved by their unhappiness and she resolved to try and help them.

The people of the city were very different to the villagers. They were always angry and upset and constantly sought for the help of the water sprite and demanded more of her each time. A man might walk down to the shoreline with a broken pencil and demand beautiful calligraphy set and the water sprite would travel to the bottom of the lake to seek it for them, for that was how the magic worked. Yet with each trade, the lake grew colder.

The people of the village were worried. They hadn't seen the sprite for a long time and on the seldom occasions they did see her, she was exhausted and sad.

"Water sprite, why do you weep so?"

"I am trying to help the people of the city but they do not help themselves."

"They do not deserve your help - leave them to their misery."

But the water sprite could not, for the people of the city depended on her too much and if she were to leave them, they would starve and be lost. The people of the city stopped trying to trade items of equal value with the sprite and instead began dumping their waste and unwanted things in the lake. But the sprite was bound to return an item that would help the people of the city, for that was what they demanded.

Eventually, the lake froze over and the people of the village and the people of the city never saw the water sprite again.


******


This is a story that's stuck in my mind ever since it was told to me as a child. I never quite appreciated it until a few years back when I tried to help someone that was depressed.

Skeppio - I am trying to help you, but the lake is growing cold and I just need a little time to warm up again. I just need a little space for a bit.

[Skeppio]

*story*

I understand. Those who pollute the lake don't deserve the water sprite's help. Just as all I do is pollute and ruin my friends.

"They do not deserve your help - leave them to their misery." No truer words have ever been spoken.

[The Succubus]

:smallsigh:

No, you missed the point of the story. A friendship is a two-way deal. You have to help your friends as much as they help you. A friend is not a therapist, a friend is not a councillor, a friend is not a psychatrist. If you seek the help of friends, help them to help you.

[Skeppio]

:smallsigh:

No, you missed the point of the story. A friendship is a two-way deal. You have to help your friends as much as they help you. A friend is not a therapist, a friend is not a councillor, a friend is not a psychatrist. If you seek the help of friends, help them to help you.

I'm sorry... I really am. :smallfrown:
I'm a horrible pitiful excuse for a friend.

I hope I can make up for it eventually.

[Serpentine]

Skeppio, the very first thing you can do towards making it up is to actually listen to what people are saying, not what you assume they're saying, or think they should or would be saying. What they are saying. Not every piece of criticism or advice regarding a change of behaviour means "I hate you, you're vile and disgusting, go die in a hole". If that were true, we wouldn't be bothering to give the advice or criticism at all.

[Rawhide]

Skeppio, the very first thing you can do towards making it up is to actually listen to what people are saying, not what you assume they're saying, or think they should or would be saying. What they are saying. Not every piece of criticism or advice regarding a change of behaviour means "I hate you, you're vile and disgusting, go die in a hole". If that were true, we wouldn't be bothering to give the advice or criticism at all.

Yes. The problem with giving help or advice to some people is that, even when they ask for it, they refuse to accept it, try to reinterpret what was said to mean something else, and point blank refuse to acknowledge what is right there in front of them - even when what they are saying in reply cannot logically be true. It can be very draining at times dealing with that and sometimes you just need to distance yourself from them to recover. The hardest part is making them understand that you don't hate them and that you're not putting them out of your life forever, but that you just need that time to recuperate.

[rogueboy]

Venting time, mostly related to stress...

Large confluence of events, basically. With a few redeeming factors, but 2 (out of 3) are also contributing to the stress at the same time. :smallsigh:

The good:
-Teaching is done for the semester. Just finished grading their finals this afternoon, now it's just submitting grades to my supervisor, discussing them with her, and finalizing them; a fairly simple task.

The bad:
-If I don't get enough done on my research soon, I'll be teaching again in the fall. I REALLY don't want to be teaching in the fall. Sadly, this is chemistry (synthesis), so "work harder" doesn't necessarily mean anything.
-I present my research to my advisor in 3 weeks. I have a few things I can present, but I'm not nearly as far as he (or I) want me to be. Not sure how that'll go down if I can't get some more progress made.
-I lost a good 75% of the material I was bringing up behind my front end this week. Went from likely being able to quintuple my front-end material (which means I can focus more on doing the new chemistry) to probably only being able to roughly double it.
-My entire lower body (knees, feet, hips) is acting up, to the point that I'll be starting PT soon to try to deal with that. General aches, soreness, and difficulty in standing for long periods is the typical effect of that.
-My best friend has retreated into his anti-world shell, which leaves his girlfriend (and myself, as best I can being 3000 miles away) to try and drag him out of that.
-My most effective method of stress relief (soccer) is largely restricted to lunch-time games, given when people are able to play. This might change as we get into the actual summer. That means losing an hour+ of research time (causing stress) in order to destress...

The "both":
-This weekend I'm driving out to NYC (~4hr drive) to see a friend who'll be there for a work conference (he lives on the opposite coast, so I rarely get to see him). I'll also get to see my aunt and uncle on that trip. It also means I lose a weekend of research.
-Next weekend I have a friend (again, west coast-er) who'll be in town from Friday until Tuesday. Really looking forward to seeing her, but losing a long weekend's worth of research time.

And, of course, this is in addition to the standard routine of do research, eat, sleep, maintain sufficient food supplies, laundry, etc.

tl;dr: I'm stressed. My main stress relief causes its own stress.

[Grinner]

@rogueboy: Yeesh. My condolences on your workload. :smalleek:

[rogueboy]

Aaaaaand, now I'm sick today. Not so bad that I'm stuck in bed or anything, but enough that I'm losing another day of work :smallfrown:

Also, got an email from my teaching supervisor reminding me that I had volunteered to rewrite/edit a sample report in the next week or so. :smallsigh:

Does it never end?

[Castaras]

General apathy and "meh"ness hitting me again. Revision I'm getting through, slowly, and while it definitely is making a difference (in that I can understand more than I did before [which was very little]) it doesn't feel like I'm getting anywhere. Games are starting to feel like a chore when I de-stress after work, but when I try and do anything else to de-stress that feels like a chore as well.

Keep feeling shattered all the time... despite sitting at home in front of a computer or a textbook all day. Not sure if that's just me finally crashing after a lot of excitement and fun, or if it's just my body going "eh, who cares?"

Pushing myself to keep doing things, keep myself busy - hoping it'll pull me out of this dip before I go too far in. Just gotta remember to not stop doing things because "I can't be bothered", not to give up on the work, and not drink alcohol while all this is going on.

[Grinner]

@Castaras: Seems like you do a lot of sitting. Do you do any physical activities, like running?

[Ur-Quan]

General apathy and "meh"ness hitting me again. Revision I'm getting through, slowly, and while it definitely is making a difference (in that I can understand more than I did before [which was very little]) it doesn't feel like I'm getting anywhere. Games are starting to feel like a chore when I de-stress after work, but when I try and do anything else to de-stress that feels like a chore as well.

Keep feeling shattered all the time... despite sitting at home in front of a computer or a textbook all day. Not sure if that's just me finally crashing after a lot of excitement and fun, or if it's just my body going "eh, who cares?"

Pushing myself to keep doing things, keep myself busy - hoping it'll pull me out of this dip before I go too far in. Just gotta remember to not stop doing things because "I can't be bothered", not to give up on the work, and not drink alcohol while all this is going on.

The alcohol thing depends on many elements. I completely agree you shouldn't drink any alone, but if you've got a couple of friends, it'd actually help if you went out with them and got tipsy a bit. It helps remove the pressure and the morning after should have you better by far. That is, if you don't actually waste yourself, that'd be bad.

[Castaras]

@Castaras: Seems like you do a lot of sitting. Do you do any physical activities, like running?

Thinking about it, yeah... that's probably what's doing it for me. Since I got back from university I've done very little exercise. I'll see if I can get back to doing some wii-fit, methinks - should hopefully help. :smallsmile: Thanks.

The alcohol thing depends on many elements. I completely agree you shouldn't drink any alone, but if you've got a couple of friends, it'd actually help if you went out with them and got tipsy a bit. It helps remove the pressure and the morning after should have you better by far. That is, if you don't actually waste yourself, that'd be bad.

Yeah... Alcohol even with friends, it depends on my mood to begin with. It enhances rather than changes for me. But thanks for the advice.

[Heliomance]

*hugs* the Cas.
*writes prescription for ponies* :smallbiggrin:

But yeah, physical activity is a really good idea to blow the cobwebs out of your brain. Get up early and go cycle somewhere to watch the sunrise. Puts you in a marvellously productive state of mind for the day. I need to go and do that myself at some point...

Failing that, just go for a jog or something. Go dancing. Just do something physically exerting and fun.

[CoffeeIncluded]

Hey, I bet you guys thought that things were calming down with my roommate and hallmate, right?

WRONG!

So last night they both went out to party because they didn't have class until noon. I didn't. I had to wake up at 8:30 this morning because I have a quiz during my 10:00 class. My roommate came in some time between midnight and 1:30, and she didn't wake me up at all.

At 1:30 my hallmate drunkenly pounded on the door and everything went to hell.

They then proceeded to have a loud practically screaming conversation in the room, both of them in her bed, and when I told them to shut up and take it outside (okay, whining a bit because I have a quiz in an hour and they've been treating me like **** all year and I'm tired of it), they proceeded to turn on me. They, especially my hallmate, spent almost an hour mocking me, telling me to grow up and stop being a baby, and flat out saying that they didn't care that they woke me up, or that I have a quiz in an hour, or that I barely get any sleep anyway. Called me a bitch, said that I don't care about them, eventually I gave up and went to the convenience store next to my dorm to get some cheese sticks because I was also hungry and it's hard enough for me to fall back asleep as it is.

When I came back, my other hallmate was yelling at them for being so rude and waking her up and then taking it all out on me. I could go on but I...I just...I can't do this anymore.

[fergo]

You're in uni halls, right? :smallfrown: It can be hell, it really, really can. Most people (especially the more... socially awkward of us, a group I readily class myself in).

I have to congratulate you on actually standing up to those idiots, even if it had negative consequences. It's all too easy to just bow down and take it. God knows that's pretty much all I did, last year.

Are you near the end of year term? Where are you living next year? Things are better when you're living with people you actually want to live with :smallsmile:

[CoffeeIncluded]

You're in uni halls, right? :smallfrown: It can be hell, it really, really can. Most people (especially the more... socially awkward of us, a group I readily class myself in).

I have to congratulate you on actually standing up to those idiots, even if it had negative consequences. It's all too easy to just bow down and take it. God knows that's pretty much all I did, last year.

Are you near the end of year term? Where are you living next year? Things are better when you're living with people you actually want to live with :smallsmile:

Next year I'm living with my friends, who care about me, in the newest dorm on campus.

And no, I didn't stand up to them. I'm far too passive; I've just been taking it. I'm talking to the RA and hallmaster or whoever she is today.

And wait! It gets better! Not only did they flat-out say that they don't care that I had a quiz, and that I should just "deal with it," it being their being complete *******s when drunk, not only do they revel in the belief that being drunk gives them license to do whatever the hell the want, they then have the gall to say that I'm not a compassionate person, AND I SHOULD COUNT MYSELF LUCKY TO HAVE A ROOMMATE LIKE MINE! :furious:

[fergo]

I know it's not what you want to hear, but short of all-out going to war with your flatmates (which will not help, not even in the short term), all you can do is endure it :smalleek:. Living with people you find incredibly annoying is, unfortunately, part of the university experience (and good training for real life), as is being woken up in the middle of the night by drunk idiots.

Last year, I was living in a flat with randomers. On the whole, I got along with them, and it could have been so much worse, but still, they (metaphorically) did my tits in.

I remember one time me and my girlfriend had came back at 4 p.m. and were messing around (no, not that way) in the sitting room, laughing and everything, probably pretty loudly.

My flatmates asked me to stop because they were asleep. This from the people who invited a whole load of ********s over at least once a week to have a massive party until the early hours of the morning, had a stupid game they played where they jumped out at each other and screamed really loudly, which regularly went on well after midnight, and (one of them at least) bought a massive pair of speakers and positioned them against my wall, so literally every night I was kept awake as the whole wall shook with her (frankly awful) music.

Not as bad as your problems, sure, but it was infuriating at the time :smallfurious:.

So, yeah, my point is... it gets better :smallsmile:. Just live through it. And vent on here :smallbiggrin:.

[Skeppio]

Today was a plus. :smallsmile:

Had a good time playing with my project. And I animated a monster made of gears. Gears are cool. :D

And a classmate shouted me lunch because I had no money! ^_^ I won't forget to pay him back when I get some cash next!

And I got the pokemon card I ordered in the mail today! :smallbiggrin: Klinklang is miiiiine. :smallsmile:

[prufock]

I remember one time me and my girlfriend had came back at 4 p.m. and were messing around (no, not that way) in the sitting room, laughing and everything, probably pretty loudly.

My flatmates asked me to stop because they were asleep. This from the people who invited a whole load of ********s over at least once a week to have a massive party until the early hours of the morning, had a stupid game they played where they jumped out at each other and screamed really loudly, which regularly went on well after midnight, and (one of them at least) bought a massive pair of speakers and positioned them against my wall, so literally every night I was kept awake as the whole wall shook with her (frankly awful) music.

I hope your answer was "no."


And wait! It gets better! Not only did they flat-out say that they don't care that I had a quiz, and that I should just "deal with it," it being their being complete *******s when drunk, not only do they revel in the belief that being drunk gives them license to do whatever the hell the want, they then have the gall to say that I'm not a compassionate person, AND I SHOULD COUNT MYSELF LUCKY TO HAVE A ROOMMATE LIKE MINE! :furious:

How are they when sober? My personal take is that alcohol excuses nothing. If they act like jerks when drunk, treat them like jerks when sober.

If talking to them doesn't work, call campus enforcement and place a noise complaint. Definitely lodge a noise complaint with your res admin - enough rule infractions can get someone kicked out.

[rogueboy]

Today was a plus. :smallsmile:

Had a good time playing with my project. And I animated a monster made of gears. Gears are cool. :D

And a classmate shouted me lunch because I had no money! ^_^ I won't forget to pay him back when I get some cash next!

And I got the pokemon card I ordered in the mail today! :smallbiggrin: Klinklang is miiiiine. :smallsmile:

Hurray for Skeppy! Glad to hear things are going well for you.

[Form]

***********, looks I'm going to have to play diplomat again when I really don't want to. One minor fight and immediately I get this passive aggressive crap thrown at me. I'd really like to respond in kind and inflict as much pain as possible simply because I'm really pissed off right now, but that's not the way I do things. I'll have to wait until I've calmed down and then make an effort to talk things out I suppose. It feels like it's being forced on me, though. I don't want to be the reasonable one in this, but I have to. It's that last bit that I really hate.

[Grinner]

@Form: Maybe you could explain what's wrong? And then we could try to help. :smallsmile:

[Form]

@Form: Maybe you could explain what's wrong? And then we could try to help. :smallsmile:

Naw, I know it's vague, but I was just venting and I don't want to go into specifics. Anyway, I figure if I take a diplomatic approach I can probably patch things up. It's just that feels like I'm being emotionally blackmailed into it by passive aggressive behaviour. I mean, right after a minor fight our facebook friendship status changes. :/

[prufock]

***********, looks I'm going to have to play diplomat again when I really don't want to. One minor fight and immediately I get this passive aggressive crap thrown at me. I'd really like to respond in kind and inflict as much pain as possible simply because I'm really pissed off right now, but that's not the way I do things. I'll have to wait until I've calmed down and then make an effort to talk things out I suppose. It feels like it's being forced on me, though. I don't want to be the reasonable one in this, but I have to. It's that last bit that I really hate.

Why be passive aggressive when you can just be aggressive? Or, rather, assertive.

[Objection]

Why be passive aggressive when you can just be aggressive? Or, rather, assertive.

Because being passive aggressive has no immediate negative consequences, while being assertive can have them depending on who's involved and being aggressive will definitely have them.

Not that I'm trying to advocate being passive aggressive, just that I think that's why people choose that option.

[Mynxae]

I know this may sound childish, but my personal woe tonight involves a video game, aka, World of Warcraft.

I'm on there with the Guild I'm in, and we were doing a Burning Crusade Raid, as is usual on a Sunday night (aussie server, Nagrand). There's this guy ('Rad' is what he's known by) in the Guild who's been fighting with me previously a few times who the Guild Master (who I have actually known -longer- {by several months} than he has) has refused to kick out, even though all he adds to the guild is noob-ish-ness and stupidity.

He had the -gall- tonight, to bring my parentage into the picture in a, let's say, 'disagreement' we were having tonight during the raid. And all the Guild Master has to say 'Oh he's just baiting you, he's fine.'. I said *insert swear word here* this, and closed WoW and Vent (on voice with a few people in the Guild, including Guild Master). Now I'm just very angry and craving a cigarette like I always do when I'm angry, and I haven't smoked for quite a while. It was the only thing that took the edge off of anger.

Anyone know how to help?

Also, quitting the Guild would only be a last resort. I'm sick of this guy though, hence why I'm torn. He and -maybe- one or two others are the -only- problems I have in the Guild.

[Castaras]

Fraid the best thing to do is ignore them.

I had this issue when I was on Anarchy Online - there were one or two people in our organisation who were *very* irritating. So I just didn't talk to them.

Quitting is another option - are there any others in the guild who feel the same way about this guy as you do?

[Skeppio]

I know this may sound childish, but my personal woe tonight involves a video game, aka, World of Warcraft.

I'm on there with the Guild I'm in, and we were doing a Burning Crusade Raid, as is usual on a Sunday night (aussie server, Nagrand). There's this guy ('Rad' is what he's known by) in the Guild who's been fighting with me previously a few times who the Guild Master (who I have actually known -longer- {by several months} than he has) has refused to kick out, even though all he adds to the guild is noob-ish-ness and stupidity.

He had the -gall- tonight, to bring my parentage into the picture in a, let's say, 'disagreement' we were having tonight during the raid. And all the Guild Master has to say 'Oh he's just baiting you, he's fine.'. I said *insert swear word here* this, and closed WoW and Vent (on voice with a few people in the Guild, including Guild Master). Now I'm just very angry and craving a cigarette like I always do when I'm angry, and I haven't smoked for quite a while. It was the only thing that took the edge off of anger.

Anyone know how to help?

Also, quitting the Guild would only be a last resort. I'm sick of this guy though, hence why I'm torn. He and -maybe- one or two others are the -only- problems I have in the Guild.

Ugh, there's always one idiot in every guild, isn't there? :smallfrown:

Maybe give your GM another talking to. Try to stress how this guy really gets to you. Hopefully the GM can sort it out, seeing as he has the authority to just boot the guy if he's not co-operating.

/ignore is another option, but it might be a tad problematic if you're both consistently in the raid team. :smallsigh:

Most extreme case scenario, you could send a report to a mod if things are really out of hand and heavily abusive. It is in the Terms of Service, after all. :smallwink:

[WarKitty]

So I finally have a therapist appointment. Which is good I guess.

The problem is I have absolutely no idea what therapy is supposed to do anymore. I've been to plenty of therapists, and it all seems to have the same pattern - you sit there and talk for 45min, get a few platitudes, and leave. Not useful. I know I'm supposed to be seeing someone because that's what you do for mental health, but I have absolutely no idea why anymore.

[Cobra_Ikari]

So I finally have a therapist appointment. Which is good I guess.

The problem is I have absolutely no idea what therapy is supposed to do anymore. I've been to plenty of therapists, and it all seems to have the same pattern - you sit there and talk for 45min, get a few platitudes, and leave. Not useful. I know I'm supposed to be seeing someone because that's what you do for mental health, but I have absolutely no idea why anymore.

I don't really like therapist because I always feel like I remember the one thing I really wanted to talk about right as I leave, and the way they directed the conversation is part of why I forgot it in the first place. >.<


*hugs tight*...I don't really know much about how therapy works, but if you ever need someone to listen and care...I'm always here for you.

[rogueboy]

So I finally have a therapist appointment. Which is good I guess.

The problem is I have absolutely no idea what therapy is supposed to do anymore. I've been to plenty of therapists, and it all seems to have the same pattern - you sit there and talk for 45min, get a few platitudes, and leave. Not useful. I know I'm supposed to be seeing someone because that's what you do for mental health, but I have absolutely no idea why anymore.

Would it help to start by trying to get an explanation of what therapists are supposed to help with? I know that, at least for me, without buying into the reasons (and methods), it's not going to be helpful. But with a knowledge of what I'm trying to get out of therapy (albeit group right now, not individual, so there's some pretty significant differences there), I know that I'm not going to get anything out of it.

I understand that doing the above seems like a waste of a session (or part of one), if your alternative is to have no idea what you're supposed to be gaining (and thus not actually gaining anything, if you're like me), it's probably a worthy investment of your time.

[Yora]

Of course there is not much use if you are talking but have no idea why you are talking about it. But that's mostly how it goes. If you find yourself again in such a situation, ask what the person you are seeing has planned to do.
Unless they are completely useless as their job, they should know very well what they are doing.
In the beginning, you first need to find out what is actually bothering you, so it will be rather unspecific at first until you are getting a better picture what's actually going on. Some things that may be important may not be apparent to you, so it's good to look into things that may be unrelated as well. If there's nothing of relevance, so be it. But it's a better approach than to focus only on a single issue, while the whole problem may actually be caused by an issue that appears unrelated at first glance.

So my advice is to ask the person to explain to you what you are doing and how it is supposed to work.

[The Bandicoot]

I apologize if this sounds like useless teenage whining but I need to get some stuff off my chest.
First of all, some background. I'm 17, live at home with my fsther(mom died over a decade ago), a junior in an online highschool, and got a part time job about two months ago working 9-15 hours a week.

Now, recently my grades have been dropping. I've been an A-B student my whole life, and when I started highschool that didn't change. This year my school got picked up and absorbed into another one and everything changed. Weather it's the constant tech issues or the asinine and confusing wording of the textbooks I've dropped to a C-D grades and Im in danger of failing a couple of them. Now the school really isn't the only thing at fault. In-fact most of it is me. I get into this circle where I either couldn't give less of a **** if I tried or care too much, freak out and have a panic attack. Very little gets done either way. The fact that I have no clue at all what I want to do in life just makes the panic attacks a bit worse.

Now my dad is very much so the 'any mental problems can be solved easily by force of will' kind of guy. So any attempt at me suggesting that maybe I need some help either he or I can't provide has just been a brick wall.

So, any tips on how I could cope or deal with this?

[Yora]

Well, we've all been there. Some had it harder, some less. But that's happening to everyone. That's not a problem. Nothing whiny about that.

Now you feel that there's something going wrong, which you want to change, but you can't manage to get down all by yourself. The approach of "just try harder, then it's as easy as it is for everyone else" does in fact not work. There are lots of possible reasons that make trying harder pretty much impossible. I've been strungling with such problems myself. The good thing is, that these days there are many places and people that can help in these situations, and many of them offer free service to anyone, without insurances getting involved, no registration required, and no requirement for parental consent. If your father thinks that's all useless rubbish, he's free to his oppinion and you're free to do it by yourself. At 17, it should not be that difficult. The most difficult part is finding out who these people and organizations are, that can offer you help. None of them (I hope) will turn down anyone because they think your problem is not worth their time. Everyone who thinks he needs help, does have something that is worth getting help for, whatever it may be. If it's actually very easy to solve, that's great for everyone.
But in times of the internet, that's not really very difficult at all, if you have an idea what you are looking for. What country do you live in?

[dehro]

I'll play devil's advocate and ask you if you've in fact given your father's approach the due consideration and actually tried it his way..
because you're 17 and what you're going through really isn't all that unique..most people I know, including myself, at some stage in high school have had a personal crisis moment, or found themselves with a big lump of uncertainty weighing on their shoulders. And again, most people at 17 tend to dismiss what their parents say out of hand on the principle that "you're not me/I'm not like you" "you don't know how hard it is" "the times have changed" "you don't understand me" etc etc.. I've done it myself.. to a degree I still do. Sometimes I've been proven right..most often I have not.
but...
Your dad may not be saying it the right way or bring any practical solutions other than statements of "try to want it more/harder" variety..but the principle may be valid that you simply need to go back to a place of comfort and re-focus.
How to do that..well..you know yourself better than we do..and your dad probably has some of that knowledge too.. I duubt we can come up with anything more useful than him or yourself.
I wouldn't go running for outside help as a first solution but only after you and your dad together have tried to work on your dad's suggestions/approach and developed it into something that you can actually act on, other than being at the receiving end of a pep-talk

of course if you have done that already and it didn't help..then by all means.. teachers should be trained to at least know where to direct you to to find the proper help.. some teachers have insights and prior experience that may help you nail the problem..also, involving them shows them that you care about your grades and want to do well..which will positively affect their judgement of your performances. (I'm assuming that at least a few of them are actually teachers that care about their students).
so.. if there is an issue, I'd look for help within the school institution itself.

[The Bandicoot]

I live in the U.S.A.

And Thankyou for any and all help.

Edit: and yeah I did try the force of will thing. It worked for a week or two and then I spent a week in a wonderful pit of depression because my will broke.

[Yora]

Phew, then there are probably different services in different states. I also don't know the commonly used terms for them that are used in america. But it shouldn't be too hard to find out. Looking at the website of your city administration might be a good start, and if you are really lost, there are lots of Americans here who would be able to help you figuring out for what terms you'd have to search on google.

[MethosH]

I live in the U.S.A.

And Thankyou for any and all help.

Edit: and yeah I did try the force of will thing. It worked for a week or two and then I spent a week in a wonderful pit of depression because my will broke.

You know what you do when you will broke? You look at that god damn mirror and says "F u will! Get your things together! :smallannoyed: You will broke when I SAY you can! :smallmad: Listen to me life, YOU don't break ME! I BREAK THE **** OUT OF YOU! :smallfurious:"

Thats right! Get really mad at life! :smallfurious:

Life is full of things that seems annoying, boring and pointless. But you need to get through those before you can get to the awesome part, like.. sharks with lasers.

Consider yourself a low level character and go level up. Or maybe a dedicated GM getting ready to master a life campaign. That kinds of works for me.

EDIT:

Also

http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/3356922_700b.jpg

[WarKitty]

Of course there is not much use if you are talking but have no idea why you are talking about it. But that's mostly how it goes. If you find yourself again in such a situation, ask what the person you are seeing has planned to do.
Unless they are completely useless as their job, they should know very well what they are doing.
In the beginning, you first need to find out what is actually bothering you, so it will be rather unspecific at first until you are getting a better picture what's actually going on. Some things that may be important may not be apparent to you, so it's good to look into things that may be unrelated as well. If there's nothing of relevance, so be it. But it's a better approach than to focus only on a single issue, while the whole problem may actually be caused by an issue that appears unrelated at first glance.

So my advice is to ask the person to explain to you what you are doing and how it is supposed to work.

Actually, I usually have the opposite problem - I know exactly what's bothering me and why, I just don't have any control over the situation. And it doesn't seem like the kind of thing I can just "let go."

[Yora]

Well, then that's the actual problem you need to get to.

When I have troubles organizing the tasks I need to do and suffer the consequences, that is the immediate problem. But that's not the source of all my troubles, that's only how they manifest in the most visible way.
That part has always been easy for me: "All I need to do is to do things immediately and not move them to a later date indefinately." I know that, that's obvious. But why am I not able to do such a simple thing? That's the bigger problem and the one that actually needs to get tackled.

[WarKitty]

Well, then that's the actual problem you need to get to.

When I have troubles organizing the tasks I need to do and suffer the consequences, that is the immediate problem. But that's not the source of all my troubles, that's only how they manifest in the most visible way.
That part has always been easy for me: "All I need to do is to do things immediately and not move them to a later date indefinately." I know that, that's obvious. But why am I not able to do such a simple thing? That's the bigger problem and the one that actually needs to get tackled.

Yeah. I mean, I've been through the whole problem with a bunch of other counselors. I'm down to the issue of "how do I live in a world where there's a high chance of getting completely screwed over and there's absolutely nothing I can do if that's what someone decides to do." Usually I just get some random platitudes followed by "wow, um, yeah, that's not supposed to be possible."

[The Bandicoot]

Soooo you're saying I should get combustible lemons and burn my house down while yelling at myself in the mirror?

[Yora]

This one time I dare being direct and say: Don't listen to MethosH. Whatever he wants to say, this does not appear like a coherent and structured argument.

Yeah. I mean, I've been through the whole problem with a bunch of other counselors. I'm down to the issue of "how do I live in a world where there's a high chance of getting completely screwed over and there's absolutely nothing I can do if that's what someone decides to do." Usually I just get some random platitudes followed by "wow, um, yeah, that's not supposed to be possible."
Well, I just drop this in here and we won't comment on it any further, but maybe you could find something useful for you in looking into buddhist philosophy. What you describe is pretty much exactly the thing it is all about, and all the arguments actually work completely independent of any believes in supernatural things. BuddhistSocietyWA has a large number of lectures on youtube that deal with all kinds of questions, and they are made by Westerners for a western audience, so they leave out the supernatural believes of Southeast-Asia that don't have any actual relevance to the philosophy itself.

If anyone has any questions regarding this, send me a PM.

[MethosH]

Soooo you're saying I should get combustible lemons and burn my house down while yelling at myself in the mirror?

Almost. You should yell at life! You say to life "Go to hell! I will accept your challenge and beat the crap out of you!" and then you go and win some internets. Don't worry too much about bad results, but recognize them. And always enjoy the most of the good results.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Was wondering to put this in RW&A or here...in the end decided to put it here..

Just a woe...I'm tired of having a gazillion friends saying ''there's somebody out there for you, I'm sure of it!'', when the truth is, the chance of that being so is close to nihil.

And if you're thinking right now ''but you must have some positive traits, considering that you do have many friends'', yes, that's true. But for a closer relationship they're just outweighed by the bad and the unknown.

[Eadin]

DD: I can understand how that is annoying.
I'm not sure if I can offer anything useful, seeing as I don't know you thaat well...
So I'll just give *hugs*:smallfrown:

As for me:
I'm really tired.
I mentioned a while ago I had problems with school, I have now found a solution to it. The depressed friend that was annoying me is now back, and I've let him know I'm there for him and have been trying to distract him with fun stories and games. It seems to at least make him feel less alone in all this. It's exhausting, but worth it and normally I should have plenty of energy left to deal with everyday stuff. But the everyday stuff is not a problem.
An ex has been sending me tons of e-mails, they basicaly say I'm a cruel person for dumping him that way (I just felt he was smothering me and made that clear dozens of times before I ended the relationship in a civil manner.) Claims I ruined his life and tries to force me to become his friend and eventually taking him back. Not gonna happen, of course. I block every e-mail adress he uses, but he makes more. :smallsigh:
Claims his therapist is telling him to be more selfish and to try to get what he wants. I would like to see that therapist fired. :smallannoyed:
And then there's my mom. About a year ago my father died, and since then she's become very paranoid. My father's side of the family are not very nice people, but she's constantly accusing them of trying to mess with inheritance money and that they all hate her. The details don't matter, she's just very aggressive and paranoid to them. So no wonder they don't like her. She blames all her misery on other people, even me and my sister. She's always angry at everyone! And even gets angry at my dad, saying he ruined her life because everyone in that family is a backstabber. Not nice to hear, and not at all true. She's constantly trying to break up my sister and her boyfriend and making sure I feel bad for being single (I'm 21, my sister's 19). Yesterday, she even called me fat (and as a girl of 1,70m or about 5ft7 weighing 58 kg, even I can see that makes no sense.)
It's very stressful, leaving home is no option since I'm still in college and not making enough money. I'm under constant stress and it's getting very hard to bear. And now she starts to say her marriage was a lie and wants to sell our house.

[dehro]

DD: I can understand how that is annoying.
I'm not sure if I can offer anything useful, seeing as I don't know you thaat well...
So I'll just give *hugs*:smallfrown:

As for me:
I'm really tired.
I mentioned a while ago I had problems with school, I have now found a solution to it. The depressed friend that was annoying me is now back, and I've let him know I'm there for him and have been trying to distract him with fun stories and games. It seems to at least make him feel less alone in all this. It's exhausting, but worth it and normally I should have plenty of energy left to deal with everyday stuff. But the everyday stuff is not a problem.
An ex has been sending me tons of e-mails, they basicaly say I'm a cruel person for dumping him that way (I just felt he was smothering me and made that clear dozens of times before I ended the relationship in a civil manner.) Claims I ruined his life and tries to force me to become his friend and eventually taking him back. Not gonna happen, of course. I block every e-mail adress he uses, but he makes more. :smallsigh:
Claims his therapist is telling him to be more selfish and to try to get what he wants. I would like to see that therapist fired. :smallannoyed:
And then there's my mom. About a year ago my father died, and since then she's become very paranoid. My father's side of the family are not very nice people, but she's constantly accusing them of trying to mess with inheritance money and that they all hate her. The details don't matter, she's just very aggressive and paranoid to them. So no wonder they don't like her. She blames all her misery on other people, even me and my sister. She's always angry at everyone! And even gets angry at my dad, saying he ruined her life because everyone in that family is a backstabber. Not nice to hear, and not at all true. She's constantly trying to break up my sister and her boyfriend and making sure I feel bad for being single (I'm 21, my sister's 19). Yesterday, she even called me fat (and as a girl of 1,70m or about 5ft7 weighing 58 kg, even I can see that makes no sense.)
It's very stressful, leaving home is no option since I'm still in college and not making enough money. I'm under constant stress and it's getting very hard to bear. And now she starts to say her marriage was a lie and wants to sell our house.
I'm by no means an expert and you should take everything I say with a healthy dose of salt...
but the way you put it, it sounds like she's not really taken the time, or found a way, to properly process the passing of your father.. and has turned that into a destructive mindset.
It's probably something you've realised by yourself, and I'm stating the obvious..also, I have no real suggestion as to what you could do about it.
could it be that moving is a way to seek a new start?

[Eadin]

yes, probably, but she just said that 5 minutes ago, without any proper thinking. She's been rambling about an appartment in a rural place, making it very difficult for me and my sister to get to college in a normal way due to lack of public transport. Alright, we have dorms there, but we still need to get to those dorms. Also, we have a dog, and there's no way that she'll be fine in an appartment. I for one find my mother's behavior now very selfish, and it really hurts. Today was Dad's birthday so that makes it all that much harder to deal with.:smallfrown:

[Cobra_Ikari]

DD: I can understand how that is annoying.
I'm not sure if I can offer anything useful, seeing as I don't know you thaat well...
So I'll just give *hugs*:smallfrown:

As for me:
I'm really tired.
I mentioned a while ago I had problems with school, I have now found a solution to it. The depressed friend that was annoying me is now back, and I've let him know I'm there for him and have been trying to distract him with fun stories and games. It seems to at least make him feel less alone in all this. It's exhausting, but worth it and normally I should have plenty of energy left to deal with everyday stuff. But the everyday stuff is not a problem.
An ex has been sending me tons of e-mails, they basicaly say I'm a cruel person for dumping him that way (I just felt he was smothering me and made that clear dozens of times before I ended the relationship in a civil manner.) Claims I ruined his life and tries to force me to become his friend and eventually taking him back. Not gonna happen, of course. I block every e-mail adress he uses, but he makes more. :smallsigh:
Claims his therapist is telling him to be more selfish and to try to get what he wants. I would like to see that therapist fired. :smallannoyed:
And then there's my mom. About a year ago my father died, and since then she's become very paranoid. My father's side of the family are not very nice people, but she's constantly accusing them of trying to mess with inheritance money and that they all hate her. The details don't matter, she's just very aggressive and paranoid to them. So no wonder they don't like her. She blames all her misery on other people, even me and my sister. She's always angry at everyone! And even gets angry at my dad, saying he ruined her life because everyone in that family is a backstabber. Not nice to hear, and not at all true. She's constantly trying to break up my sister and her boyfriend and making sure I feel bad for being single (I'm 21, my sister's 19). Yesterday, she even called me fat (and as a girl of 1,70m or about 5ft7 weighing 58 kg, even I can see that makes no sense.)
It's very stressful, leaving home is no option since I'm still in college and not making enough money. I'm under constant stress and it's getting very hard to bear. And now she starts to say her marriage was a lie and wants to sell our house.

*hugs tight, goes around smacking the jerks in your life* =\

[CoffeeIncluded]

Ugh, Eadin, I'm sorry about that. Does your mom oscillate like that a lot?

[Eadin]

She started when dad started to get sick, i was about 17.
It got worse when he died, as soon as money came into play.
And now dad's not here to temper it she's gone full out...

[Lord_Gareth]

Here lately I've been slowly realizing that I've spent my whole life angry. I hadn't really noticed that before.

At first it was over reasonable things. I used to get my ass beat once, twice daily by kids in school for my lack of religion, then I spent the rest of my school years with few friends and lots of enemies. I was always in fights with a 'zero tolerance' administration that treated me like a number and fighting to get fair treatment. But as graduation got closer and closer I didn't stop being angry, and indeed found new things to be angry about; I started studying politics and current events and plenty of that makes me angry.

This isn't to say that I haven't lived with my anger. I've found quite a few ways to turn it into something productive; homebrew projects, productive debate, political action. But the thing that bothers me is that hatred is essentially the fuel that makes me run. It wakes me up in the morning and gets me online, and it gets me through the day at work and in public when people are being annoying, stupid, or rude, and more often than not I go to bed seething. I start arguments or I start fights when I don't have other things to do. I've been doing this for so long I'm not really sure how to stop, or even if I should.

So, umm...yeah.

[Form]

@ Eadin:

You're helping your friend get through/cope with his depression. That is a good thing and something you deserve to pat yourself on the back for. Try to fond some satisfaction in just that. Maybe that'll help you as well.

And I think it's about time you contact the authorities about what your ex is doing. At the very least find someone who knows how to deal with stalkers and ask them what you can and should do. It seems to me he's gone well past what is acceptable and I think that at this point involving the police would be doing both yourself as well as him a favour. You should be able to just live your life without constantly being bothered by him.

I don't know much about how you should deal with your mother. I'm guessing she isn't dealing with the loss of her husband very well and would probably benefit from therapy if she isn't seeing a professional already. Maybe she's just lashing out at everyone around her because she can't cope with the loss, I don't know for sure.

@ Lord Gareth:

I can relate to living one's life in anger and hatred. That's exactly what I used to do for a long time and at that time it did sustain me and keep me going. But in the end it wasn't worth it and I was better off trying to come to terms with the (unfair) past and trying to move instead of holding on to it. Hatred may allow you to survive, but it won't let you live. It won't be easy to just let go and you could probably benefit from some professional assistance, but I think it would be worth it to try to move on from that hate and find something else to empower you and drive you forward.

[rogueboy]

Random update...

I've been feeling really good the last few days. I didn't even notice it until I caught myself walking with more of a confident swagger than I usually do. Not entirely sure what did it, as several things have occurred recently that could be contributing: I played soccer again for the first time in a few weeks, the semester (and thus the grading associated with teaching) ended, I'm closing in on my presentation to my boss (and should have enough results to be in reasonable, if not great, shape), I've started PT for my long-term leg issues (aches and pains, nothing debilitating), I'm starting to go to the gym again, and there's probably a few other, less significant things, that I'm forgetting.

I had forgotten that I could actually feel this good when there's still a bunch of crap going on.

[Mono Vertigo]

Car troubles again.
The circumstances were particularly forgiving to me, but the car still broke down on the highway. I hope it's something easily fixed that won't cost one arm and a leg.
It's, all in all, a very minor, and I'm lucky to have access to a car in the first place, but damned thing, every time I start liking it again, something goes horribly wrong. Just need to vent.
*throws hands in the air*

[Qaera]

So... Last night I told someone I'm pretty close to just how crazy I am. Not sure if it went over well. >.>"

~ ♅

[Skeppio]

So... Last night I told someone I'm pretty close to just how crazy I am. Not sure if it went over well. >.>"

~ ♅

Oh dear. :s *hugs*

[SilverSheriff]

Last week I found out the girl I like, and have liked for a number of years, is a Lesbian. Naturally I am quite heart-broken.:smallfrown:

Still, Overall I'm fine with this because as long as she is happy with who she is, and I can still be her friend; all is good.

Suppose all I needed is to get this off my chest. :smallsmile:

[Reluctance]

Eadin: What friend networks do you have, and what sort of job do you have?

What I'm seeing here is your mom being foolish with money and attempting to live off savings (never a sustainable long-term plan) and trying to break you off from outside support structures while undermining your confidence (classic codependent/borderline abusive behavior). If you can look at this from a long-term perspective, you'll see that you need to tap into whatever support networks you can, to avoid falling into her trap of making you dependent. As I've said to other people in high-stress situations, sometimes all you need is a couch to crash on and someone who won't make you feel put upon.

[rogueboy]

Sigh... Time for another round of "replace the daily grind with a major question that will completely change the future of your career", with rogueboy! OK, maybe I haven't posted about these on here before, but they come up more often than I'd like.

The debate I'm considering is whether I should continue on for my PhD (in organic synthesis, for anyone wondering), or stop at a MS. The main question is what job I could expect to have down the line, and which degree will give me a better chance of ending up with a job that I'd enjoy. Going through the process of getting all the input I can on what the differences would be (from my undergrad adviser, from people in the industry, and from my current adviser when I have a better idea of my own thoughts). In the meantime, I'm just spending too much of my time thinking about it, while trying to sort out my own thoughts, and the input I've gotten so far (more is likely to come in early next week, and I've got another 1-2 people to contact for their input).

Nothing I'm really expecting from you all, just a bit of a venting. :smallsigh:

Can't everything just be easy decisions, for once? :smallfrown:

[Feytalist]

The debate I'm considering is whether I should continue on for my PhD (in organic synthesis, for anyone wondering), or stop at a MS. The main question is what job I could expect to have down the line, and which degree will give me a better chance of ending up with a job that I'd enjoy.

An ex of mine had a similar issue. She majored in genetics.

For a decent position, you seem to need at least a master's, especially at the start of your career. A PhD is specifically necessary if you intend on heading your own research team somewhere down the line. It's a good thing to have in any case, but you can always get it at a later date. It's possible that a job right now (as research assistant or whatever) will be a better choice, but that's up to you.

She ended up taking a pretty nice job instead of continuing with her PhD, but she mentioned that she wouldn't really be able to get anywhere in the future without it. So it seems it's really just a matter of whether you get it now or at a later date.

Hope this helped at least a little bit.

[Skeppio]

Ugh....

Had a wave of dysphoria last night, and the ensuing sadness that I won't be able to do anything about it for ages. :smallfrown:

Feeling sad again. Wonder if I'll ever be loved by someone I can actually reach. Seems so unlikely. There's no place for someone like me. ._.

And now I'm sick. Really sick. It feels like it's getting harder to breathe, and I'm always so exhausted no matter what kind of sleep I get. Most people would probably just brush me off as a lazy jerk.

Maybe I should go home from Uni.... but I'm nearing the end of the course. I should be here for the last few weeks, shouldn't I? :/

[Reluctance]

{Scrubbed}

Read through these threads. We're all screwups. We're all faking it. As you talk (and more importantly, listen) to more people, you'll find out that feeling lost and adrift are universal feelings. You're not the only one who feels these ways. You're not alone.

Doesn't make the immediate term easier. (Although if you're feeling sick-sick by this time tomorrow, it might be worth poking your head into campus health services.) But it should help knowing that everybody else is confused too, and that you're not the sole loser in a sea of cool kids.

[Skeppio]

{Scrubbed}

...direct my rage at others? That's the exact thing that makes people hate me when I get depressed! I don't understand... :smalleek:


Read through these threads. We're all screwups. We're all faking it. As you talk (and more importantly, listen) to more people, you'll find out that feeling lost and adrift are universal feelings. You're not the only one who feels these ways. You're not alone.

I know. It's finding someone else like that in a range I can reach that's the impossible part. :/


Doesn't make the immediate term easier. (Although if you're feeling sick-sick by this time tomorrow, it might be worth poking your head into campus health services.) But it should help knowing that everybody else is confused too, and that you're not the sole loser in a sea of cool kids.

Feeling a bit healthier now. Luckily I have tomorrow off, so I can just sleep. =__=

[Form]

I'm going to turn down a good PhD opportunity. Funny really, because I always thought it's what I wanted to do. It was my dream and yet now I don't think I can take it. I'm not even sure anymore what I want! Taking it would mean moving abroad, but I've grown attached to my current city and if I move I'm not sure if I can start/continue my treatment. That's right, I'm going to see a therapist (which has felt like a great humiliation every step of the way and still feels that way) and if I move abroad I don't know if can do that. Even if I could, I'd still like to start treatment to help me figure things out before I make a big decision like this.

I'm screwed either way. Either I sacrifice my dream of doing research for the rest of my life or I doom whatever chance I have becoming a normal and happy functioning individual. No matter which decision, I'm afraid I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life. Why didn't this come to me several months ago before I decided to go see a therapist? How the hell am I going to reconcile this with what I've always told myself and everyone else in the past? This isn't fair. I finally get this opportunity, but at a time when I can't appreciate it.

[Erloas]

In terms of the PhD, thats not the sort of thing that has to be done right away. Given it is different for different fields of study, but where I went to school they actively recommended getting a real job and getting some experience in the field before moving on to a Master's degree. It looks better to (some) companies, it gives you a break from school (it gets old, you've been doing it your entire life and you've just finished what should have been some fairly difficult work), and it gives you real world experience that is *always* different then what it would seem like from the academic world. It gives you a better idea of the sorts of projects you might do for your PhD too. And if you're pretty good you can get a lot of businesses to pay for some, or all, of your schooling to go later.
And again, depending on the field, you might not really need a PhD and might find some other aspect of the field you really enjoy, one you might not even know about until you actually get into the field. A lot of PhDs aren't earned right away.

[Omergideon]

Ugh....

Had a wave of dysphoria last night, and the ensuing sadness that I won't be able to do anything about it for ages. :smallfrown:

Feeling sad again. Wonder if I'll ever be loved by someone I can actually reach. Seems so unlikely. There's no place for someone like me. ._.

And now I'm sick. Really sick. It feels like it's getting harder to breathe, and I'm always so exhausted no matter what kind of sleep I get. Most people would probably just brush me off as a lazy jerk.

Maybe I should go home from Uni.... but I'm nearing the end of the course. I should be here for the last few weeks, shouldn't I? :/


I have been there. I really have. On 2 occasions.

For the first it was as a missionary. At the time I was serving with a companion I really disliked, spending my first Christmas away from home, was exhausted and did not feel like I was succeeding at anything. I was low. Then I got chest pains and other sickness for 3 weeks and was almost bedridden. I felt like absolute hell in all things.

The second time was last year on my PGCE course. Teacher training was hard. I felt like a screw up, was exhausted 24/7, seemed to fail at everything and was about ten minutes from completely breaking down at all times. I had to spend 20 minutes psyching myself up in the morning just to be able to go to school. Plus at this time I was in emotionally romatic woe and all round just barely coping with life.

I got sad and low.

It was no quick fix or easy solution but for me both times the key was finding something to look forward to every single day. As in something I would do that day that I could lose myself in and just enjoy doing it. For me it was the gym, or working out. For that time I knew what to do, how to do it and could just relax. I had fun. Whenever I start getting low now (which is often enough) I pick a fun thing to do and do it. Whatever it is. For me now it is roleplaying.

Not immeadiately but soon I felt better. I honestly believe that for some problems having fun is the solution. Real fun. Fun you can rely on.



Me, my problems now are 2 fold. Well 3. First I hate my job as a teacher and am sure I am not good at it. Thankfully my contract ends in 3 weeks, and so I am not too worried. Getting a job afterwards will be. Secondly I am too much of a coward to ask a girl I like out, always have been, and am never alone enough with her to try. And finally, well, just I find myself frequently (more often now) just struggling with crowds.

Not even crowds. I have never liked them. But nowadays even groups of 10 or more people leave me feeling despondent, isolated, sad and in need of escape. I mean even with a group of the friendliest and nicest people ever I just feel worse as the group gets bigger. Less able to do anything. More exposed. And eventually I need to just get out of there and be more alone. It sucks, and has never been so bad before. I wonder what the problem is.

[rogueboy]

An ex of mine had a similar issue. She majored in genetics.

For a decent position, you seem to need at least a master's, especially at the start of your career. A PhD is specifically necessary if you intend on heading your own research team somewhere down the line. It's a good thing to have in any case, but you can always get it at a later date. It's possible that a job right now (as research assistant or whatever) will be a better choice, but that's up to you.

She ended up taking a pretty nice job instead of continuing with her PhD, but she mentioned that she wouldn't really be able to get anywhere in the future without it. So it seems it's really just a matter of whether you get it now or at a later date.

Hope this helped at least a little bit.

Chemistry is a bit different from most - it's rare for someone to get a master's, then work in industry for a few years, and then go back for a PhD. More common (though still not common) is to do a year or 2 in industry immediately after the BS, and then starting graduate school (the only person in my incoming class of 43 that did that was laid off from his job, so decided to go back to school).

I know that I don't really want to be managing people (that's just not how I function, really - doing so puts a strain on me in most situations, so it's not something that's calling out to me), which having a PhD would probably require down the line. However, I do enjoy being able to contribute intellectually to a problem, which seems to be somewhat restricted to those with a PhD, which is where my indecision comes from. Still have a few people in industry that I'm hoping to hear back from with input towards this decision.


I'm going to turn down a good PhD opportunity. Funny really, because I always thought it's what I wanted to do. It was my dream and yet now I don't think I can take it. I'm not even sure anymore what I want! Taking it would mean moving abroad, but I've grown attached to my current city and if I move I'm not sure if I can start/continue my treatment. That's right, I'm going to see a therapist (which has felt like a great humiliation every step of the way and still feels that way) and if I move abroad I don't know if can do that. Even if I could, I'd still like to start treatment to help me figure things out before I make a big decision like this.

I'm screwed either way. Either I sacrifice my dream of doing research for the rest of my life or I doom whatever chance I have becoming a normal and happy functioning individual. No matter which decision, I'm afraid I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life. Why didn't this come to me several months ago before I decided to go see a therapist? How the hell am I going to reconcile this with what I've always told myself and everyone else in the past? This isn't fair. I finally get this opportunity, but at a time when I can't appreciate it.

As you can probably gather from my various postings in here, I'm dealing with a similar debate - PhD vs Master's (since I'm already 2 years into my program), and then where I want to end up working down the line. I also ended up moving across the country for graduate school, which has been great (I love the group I'm in, and the people here), but also brutally tough (almost all of my family and friends are 3000 miles away now). I occasionally wish I hadn't moved across the country, but I also know it was the right move for me for graduate school.

I've also been going to therapy here, through the school's psychology services, which means it's free, and they offer both individual and group services; I'd expect that whichever school you're going to would have some services available to students (including graduate students) that would allow you to continue with your therapy. There's still the issue of finding someone you're comfortable working with, but I'd expect that they can work with you if you decide to go that route.

That just leaves your comfort as the remaining issue to consider, and sadly, that's an entirely personal choice. As I said, I moved across the country for graduate school, which has been both a fantastic experience (seeing an entirely different part of the country) and an isolating one (picking up and having to form entirely new roots). The question is which of those will win out, and I'd expect that it'll be a fairly complete whirlwind that will limit your time to really be super concerned about things outside of your coursework, teaching, and research.

That being said, Erloas' comment that things vary by field (in terms of expectations/allowances for working first, and then returning to school later) is very true. If you don't mind my asking, what field are you in? I know several people in the social sciences area that are quite a bit older (mid-late 40s, even), although most of those I know in the physical/life sciences are in their 20s.

[Mono Vertigo]

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I don't know what to do to start actually doing something with my life. I feel stupid not even knowing what to do.
Depression's getting dangerously close. Maybe it was closer than I thought all along. Mom's absolutely not helping with it. Again.
I keep wondering if I'm a waste of time and money for my loved ones, but at least, I know I'm not supposed to think that, and that it's just temporary, or a chemical imbalance.
Dammit, I'm starting to consider old, bad ways to cope with that. They're not gonna get me anywhere. I'm not gonna do that. But I'm still thinking about it, and it's bad.

[Form]

That being said, Erloas' comment that things vary by field (in terms of expectations/allowances for working first, and then returning to school later) is very true. If you don't mind my asking, what field are you in? I know several people in the social sciences area that are quite a bit older (mid-late 40s, even), although most of those I know in the physical/life sciences are in their 20s.

I'm in astronomy. Switching from the private sector back to academics is a lot harder than the other way around. I used to be willing to move abroad for a PhD, but I guess somewhere along the way things changed. It's not that I'd end up unemployed, but it feels very much like I'm screwed either way. I don't want to put off taking care of personal issues any longer than I already have and I don't want to rush into a PhD without having a better idea of where I'm at and what I want, but it still feels like I've wasted an opportunity here.

If I'd decided differently I'd probably have different regrets, but it'd be regrets nonetheless.

[irenicObserver]

There's someone I'm rather worried about. They're having self esteem problem and I deeply sympathize. I paraphrased this to give some context on what I am interpreting from what he is saying.
Dear Abby,

I know this may seem silly but I am seeking some serious advice. I think that all of my friends ignore and really don't like me, because they only say good things when I'm depressed. I don't want to seem like I'm grabbing for attention by straight out telling them that I want some comfort either. What do I do?

When I was much younger, I found myself inadvertenly eliciting pity and consolation from others around me, without actually doing anything to fix the problem. In the end, this only brought the sincerity of these issues into question, and made me feel even more alone than before. It took me a very long time to learn that when my close companions appeared to be oblivious to my problems, very often they were simply at a loss for words. Feelings of helplessness can easily paralyze a conversation, especially when one feels that their words can offer you little comfort. If a friend has the power to make you feel better, let them know it.

It can be quite terrifying to reach out to others when the threat of rejection is imminent. Very often the idea of relying on hints and subtlety may seem more attractive. but reaching out is a risk that eventually all of us must take, and you may be surprised at how rewarding the ends can be. It may also surprise you how inflated your fear of rejection really was.

You may be blessed with friends who seem able to sense your distress before you utter a word. Others may not be able to perceive your emotions so easily. Unfortunately for me, my most beloved friends seem to be a little thick-headed. But I don’t fault them for it. It’s just forced me to learn to e more direct. And for those supposed friends who genuinely don’t care about you, well there's always the ones that do. There's more I would like to say but as mention in the quote's I'm still at a loss.

[Pyromancer999]

So, this is kind of hard, but here's the deal:

I'm out on summer break, which for college, is roughly 3-4 months. Given this huge space of time, a good thing to do would be to get a job. My parents have been pushing for this, and they are 150% correct on that front.

However, here's what the problem is: I'm sort of terrified to interact with people I don't know, even if it's only a few. This is bad enough to the point where if I'm alone in public, unless I have something distracting me, I get the shimmies and the shakes, to put it mildly. I get over this just fine if I just talk with them for 10, maybe 15 minutes. After that, I'm totally cool with being around those people.

However, that's not really viable for a summer job, where I would most likely have to interact with not only more than a few people, but likely dozens upon dozens of people, something that makes me almost panic to think about. I've racked my brain for options, and I've come up with nothing. What should I do?

[CoffeeIncluded]

Ugh. Thanks to a staffing ****up, I lost my veterinary internship right after my first day there. I'm furious and desperate, and I've spent all week scrambling for something when most internships are gone. I might find something, but I really don't know what I'm going to do. At least I'm doing really, really well in college.

[dehro]

So, this is kind of hard, but here's the deal:

I'm out on summer break, which for college, is roughly 3-4 months. Given this huge space of time, a good thing to do would be to get a job. My parents have been pushing for this, and they are 150% correct on that front.

However, here's what the problem is: I'm sort of terrified to interact with people I don't know, even if it's only a few. This is bad enough to the point where if I'm alone in public, unless I have something distracting me, I get the shimmies and the shakes, to put it mildly. I get over this just fine if I just talk with them for 10, maybe 15 minutes. After that, I'm totally cool with being around those people.

However, that's not really viable for a summer job, where I would most likely have to interact with not only more than a few people, but likely dozens upon dozens of people, something that makes me almost panic to think about. I've racked my brain for options, and I've come up with nothing. What should I do?



see it as an opportunity to get over at least some of that terror that stops you from interacting.. and throw yourself in at the deep end
when it's swim or drown, you might just find out that swimming ..or at least floating, isn't so hard after all.

[Pyromancer999]

see it as an opportunity to get over at least some of that terror that stops you from interacting.. and throw yourself in at the deep end
when it's swim or drown, you might just find out that swimming ..or at least floating, isn't so hard after all.


That's what my parents have told me, albeit in the form of "I don't give a f***, man up and get over it." I've been in situations like that before, and it has never, ever been good.

[Mynxae]

Been a bit physically sick for the past two days now, thinking that it may even be stemming from my severe depression. :/ Can't even sleep tonight even though it's past 5am here, only because I know that I'll have nightmares that never end lately.. And that people will get up me for staying up so late and waking up in the late afternoon and will just say 'well you shouldn't've stayed up so late then! *angry glare*', even though I've told them I can't sleep at night, because then the nightmares are worse.. It seems that going to bed with a slightly lit up sky and cuddling my toy wolf {Wolfie, as I've named him} and my spare pillow helps, slightly. Even though sometimes I feel so alone that Wolfie just isn't enough..

Moving out in 12 days though, which is a bonus. It's funny.. My old main reason for wanting to move out was privacy (don't even get my own room where I live now {with Elemental, he's a mate}). But now, it's just because people won't get up me for staying up late, even though here right now, I am quieter than I am when people are awake, which still isn't very loud.. I've asked about this, and Ele's Mum just says that it's because of the power bill of having lights+computer on.. Even though logically, she could realise {and I've told her this} that I'm still sleeping for the same amount each day, in which time I'm not using more power, therefore I'm only using approximately the same amount per day. /sigh

This is kind of more a vent to me because I know you guys care.. Think I might try and sleep, or at least lie in bed until the sun starts rising. Thanks for reading.. :)

[Nai_Calus]

So, things are looking both up and down.

On the up side, after two suicide attempts and spending an entire third of April in a locked psych ward between them, several medication changes and setbacks, the current most recent medication seems to be working pretty damn well and I'm actually almost functioning again.

On the down side... Hoo boy.

- My hours at work just got cut from working five days a week to working three, for a completely BS reason of them 'having a lot of problems' with me being late. (Rarely, and usually by a couple of minutes, and oh yeah I've been screwed up from all the medication changes, so sorry, oh by the way, there's several late more often than I am for less good reasons) What it really is: The absences from being in the hospital. But they can't say that or I can lawsuit them. Jerks.
- This is a problem because I already didn't make enough to live on my own on. Now I'm going to making about $400 a month less. Even better:
- I have to move soon. Very soon. I don't know where too, by the way. I live with my mother currently, who I don't get along with and doesn't want me around. She's about to move to Florida in a few months and very much does not want me to go with her, nor do I really want to go with her. My dad cannot take me, she can't afford to.
- I have no savings because herpderp poor. I don't have anyone whose couch I can crash on, no relatives other than my parents, and nowhere to go. This city is dead and I hate it anyway. It's horrid for my allergies, the weather is terrible, and the south is hostile to my kind. (Let's see, I'm trans, bi, pagan... Yeeeah.)
- I'm not getting enough now to even split rent with someone here, even assuming I could find a tolerable roommate.
- Mom has to be out of this apartment by the 15th of August.

Currently, I plan to try to sell... Nearly everything I own, in hopes of raising enough money to go somewhere else. I'm thinking Seattle, I've been there before and loved it and it's a bigger city in a more liberal state. This is assuming my mother lets me keep the car. I think she will at this point, because she's that eager to get rid of me, but.

So it looks right now like by the end of August I'm going to be homeless, obviously without a job since if I go somewhere else I'll have to quit my job here, and I'm a little terrified. Especially since I just now got vaguely stable and it's going to be hard to get my medications now. :| (It's 55 bucks every month I go see the psych, which is a stretch for me right now, and if I move I'll have to try to find one.)

Even if I stay here and somehow get a better job that pays enough to rent an apartment in the slums, nobody would rent to me because my credit is trashed. So I'd pretty much be homeless regardless, so it's like... Screw this, go be homeless somewhere I can actually stand, you know? Especially since this city doesn't seem to have much in the way of homeless shelters anyway.

I just... Really don't know what to do, and it scares the crap out of me.

[Blue Ghost]

So... I felt like I wanted to share what's going on with me...

My first year of college is winding down. And looking back on the year... I feel really disappointed and frustrated at how it's gone. Objectively, everything's fine. Classes are going well, not as well as high school, but I'm maintaining a B average. I'm balancing studying and social life quite well. And best of all, I have found a group of friends who share my life's purpose, and who care for me, and whom I can (and do) turn to at any time.

But I just feel incomplete, like something crucial to me is missing. I think in a large part, it's that for a long time, I've felt unable to really care about things, people, life. Through high school, I've been learning to care about other people, appreciate the joys of life, have hope in the future. It gave me joy like you wouldn't believe, and I based my identity on that. And now, I feel like that's all been taken away. I know and recognize that there are people who love me, and plenty of reason to have hope that things will be better. But I just can't feel it. In the beginning of the year I was terrified and depressed, but I still had hope in the future and love for my friends. But more and more as the year progressed, I've been stuck feeling apathetic and cynical, and that's just not me. I can still function quite normally. I can still enjoy life, take time out to hang out with my friends, come to the Playground, and distract myself from thinking about it. But looking back on the year, it's all blurred together, without that passion for life that keeps me going. And I don't know what the problem is, or how I can fix it.

[CoffeeIncluded]

Blue Ghost, I think you should take this summer to think about why this happened and possibly recuperate and recharge.

[AsteriskAmp]

You aren't alone in that feeling Blue.

-Hugs-

I wish I could be of more help.

[MonkeyBusiness]

Nai Calus:
What you describe is indeed terrifying. I think it's impressive that you are considering turning a dilemma into an adventure by looking into places you would love to live. And I can personally recommend Seattle. If you've not spent much time there, may I recommend looking at community blogs (The West Seattle Blog is pretty awesome) to get an idea of what the neighborhoods are like before you schlepp across country to live there.

You can also check out jobs listings in cities you are considering. No reason to go there and have no income or place to live.

Blue,

I've been thinking about you a lot .

Sometimes the stress of a big change (you know, like leaving home to go to college for the first time) makes a person feel depressed for a while. And sometimes the aftermath of depression leaves one feeling sort of apathetic and disconnected. This seems to be what happened to you.

Of course, knowing that does not make the problem go away. But I want you to know about this because it *might* mean you are getting close to an upswing. Hang in there.

Meanwhile, keep doing all the things you are doing, even if it feels a little "automatic" for now. It will feel more real soon.

Also, I don't recall if you are "seeing anyone" for your depression. You do need someone to talk to about this regularly, because with you it seems to be a recurring situation.

I like Coffee's suggestion. What are your summer plans?

Also, for what it is worth, you have accomplished a great deal this year, and I am proud of you.


*hugs*

-Monkey






.

[Astrella]

*snip*

I don't have much advice to give, but *hugs, all of them*.

No relatives, friends anywhere you can stay with until you get things a bit more in shape again?

Hmm, something that might also be worth checking out is r/lgbthavens (http://www.reddit.com/r/lgbthavens)?

[Nai_Calus]

And on top of the potential homelessness I mentioned last night, my latest attempt to try to show someone that I'm not mad at them and want them to stop keeping their distance seems to have backfired and annoyed them instead. Sigh. It's something I really should just give up on, it's not worth it and he's not willing to reconcile things or change his mind about anything. I've been told by several people that his hang-ups aren't my problem, but I still feel guilty and like I drove him away. I've tried so hard to fix this, but it just seems to keep getting worse.

@MonkeyBusiness

I plan to, but the reality of the situation is that I'm not exactly going to be able to get a job in another state without being there to interview for it, and I have no savings and no resources. Same with a place to live. Need to have money first. Not likely to have it. It's awkward. (I'd be homeless here too with my current job, I didn't make enough with it to live on my own or even with a roommate *before* my hours got cut. Probably lose it pretty quickly, too, it's on the outskirts and all the homeless shelters are downtown, what few there are. Couldn't afford the gas, wouldn't be able to afford food and all the free food options are downtown and during the hours I'd be working, derp. Pretty much no matter what happens or where I go, I'm going to have to try to claw my way up from rock bottom.

@Astrella

Nope, there isn't anyone I can go to. Mom doesn't want me and doesn't care. (That's a seperate rant, but dear lord does she not care.) Dad can't afford to take me and lives in an area with a job market that's even worse than normal. That's pretty much the extent of my relatives. Most of the people I know here still live with *their* parents, and it's not like I'd be able to get off their couch quickly even if they could take me for a bit.

It's kind of terrifying. Combine that with the sad created by the problems with that one guy, and it's not a good week at all. :smallfrown:

[Blue Ghost]

Posting this on behalf of a friend, who wishes to remain anonymous. Hope someone here can help.


So, um. Basically, life is depressing. Doing things does not seem point-ful often, and that combined with a lack of any real ability at anything actually hard (ability that can be replaced by "insert question in Wolfram Alpha, eat bacon, push button" is not counted because it has little value...) leads to a sad self.
I basically end up feeling depressed whenever I'm not, at least somewhat, in another world... I'm sure everyone actually here knows what I mean by that... books, games, etc...
(Doesn't help that I'm basically utterly unable to get into PbPs, and my D&D players have an attendance record lower than most lectures at the university I am at, which leads to, well, a lack of sessions even when I'm the DM.)
And even just talking to people, even online, has led to bad things...
I have gotten a response of "stop sending that, and leave me the bloody hell alone" for sending "Hello? (And if you're there, sorry if I offended you last time we spoke.)". A grand total of twice. More than a month after the previous thing. With eight days between the two messages... Yeah, I'm incapable of anything resembling social interaction.
Beyond that...
Oh, family.
Mother, who happens to be only surviving parent, is inflexible, expects me home on weekends (from university), and has even literally said "you have big problems", because apparently it's a big problem to not follow her arbitrary restrictions that just stop me from getting any enjoyment out of what I can try to in this world....
Yeah.
Even in gaming...
I would go on a MUD, maybe get back to the whole "pretending to be a mage" thing, but I've been offline for too long, I'm worried I'll get in trouble IC for not being there when I'm clearly supposed to actually be involved in the mage's guild's activities... Do not want to log in and find myself guildless. That would be bad.
Counseling isn't really an option because outside of university it for practical reasons can't happen (lack of funds, combined with mother being unwilling to let me do anything on my own really, where either one would cause that problem...), and at university even their counseling services have delays that from what I know are reasonably likely to end up with an appointment in a co-op term, which helps absolutely nobody.
...so...
Now what, if none of this works?
Apparently, now I hope someone out there can help me.

[Totally Guy]

New personal low yesterday.

Had planned to join some friends on an organised naked bike ride around York. Every single one of my friends cancelled in the week, the last one cancelled once I'd already rented a bike and arrived at the event.

I struggled with whether I should even continue and decided that I'd not let the absence of all my friends stop me.

I stripped off, got on the bike and started to ride with the group.

Somehow I was really terrible at riding the bike and this surprised me. I remember being good at it.

I fell off after a few turns into a patch of stinging nettles.

The police escort told me that I had to keep up with the group or get dressed and go home. I couldn't keep up.

Plus everyone at work heard that I was doing it when I told someone I thought I could trust with my plans... and it turned out I was wrong.

So I'm going to be the butt of all the jokes when I get back to work on Wednesday and have to tell this sorry little tale.

I'm so pissed off that I couldn't do it. I don't think there is a worse humiliation. And my friends never even see me these days... My emotional state is in some seriously dangerous territory. The stings I'm still feeling on my body have not let me forget it either.

This was supposed to be a highlight of my year. I'm taking it really badly.

[Nai_Calus]

So, overheard mom on the phone tonight. Complaining about how terrible I am to one of her friends, again. :smallsigh: From the sounds of it, I'm definitely going to not have a place to live, and as soon as mid-August. Joy.

Oh, and the guy I mentioned having problems with? Turns out the latest reason for avoiding/ignoring contact with me was that he's now gone from 'not wanting to hurt me' to apparently thinking my attempts to reconcile and suggest utterly innocent things like 'Hey, let's meet up at Gen Con and get a drink or something' were because I had some kind of crush on him and was trying to come on to him. I give internet hugs all the time and 'let's hang out' is a friggin' normal thing to do. :| OK, I've commented a couple of times that he's kind of attractive, but I've done that with other people too, and it's not meant as 'I want to jump your bones'. Gah. He's married, I know this, I know HE knows I know this, he's not my type, I'm definitely not his type given that he's a straight male... Urgh. Oh, the kicker? The day after he told me he'd been keeping his distance and avoiding me, finally, after I'd gotten to the point where I was frustrated enough to ask why, because of things like 'Let's go get a drink'? And ignoring/brushing off all my suggestions of meeting up to game/hang out/whatever at Gen Con? I saw where a couple weeks back he'd invited people to do exactly those sorts of things at the con if they were going. Just... What. How do I even react to that?

Even if he were single and we were each other's types, he's still the guy who kicked me out of a PbP game I'd been in for nearly two years without any warning or discussion. I hadn't even had any idea or indication that anything was wrong. Then all of a sudden, wham. I'm not going to pursue a romantic involvement with someone who does that sort of thing to me, even if he were otherwise boyfriend material, which he's so not.

Just... Gah. I don't even know what to think anymore.

I just wanted to try to fix things between us and go back to being sort of friends again. Now I don't think I actually can fix them. He's just not willing, and if he interprets my attempts that badly... I mean, OK, he phrased it as concern for me and not wanting to lead me on or anything, but Corellon's sacred blood, just that he thought that was what it was... :smallfrown:

I just feel so broken.

[MonkeyBusiness]

Nai:

I'm going to give you two very concrete replies here.

First, while I get how sad it is when a friendship changes, this friendship has changed. It has changed because, evidently, your friend has a problem with accepting you. While this is hurtful, this is not your problem to fix. The friendship has died, for reasons that are not your fault. You do have my sincere condolences, but I advise you to bury it before it starts to stink.

Letting this go will let you focus on what is really important here: getting more income and a place to live before August. If I faced this very stressful situatuion, I'd keep my current job, but apply for an additional job during hours others find less attractive, such as weekends. You can make a ton of money on weekends.

May I particularly recommend applying for a job at Starbucks? My reasonsfor this are:
1. You mentioned wanting to move to Seattle one day, and I believe transferring is possible.
2. They will train you.
3. If you stay longer than the summer, they will train you for higher-paying work such as a manager position.
4. Even if pulling shots and foaming milk is not your job choice, lots of things you do at Starbucks look good on a resume.

Check out the local library and see if they have any free classes on how to build a resume.

Good luck.




Totally Guy:

Let me say how impressed I am that you did that ride at all, much less nekkid. I'm sorry it was a let down. When you imagine things will be one way, and they go drastically another, it is always a huge disappointment.

My advice is to find another fun goal soon. Making new plans is the best way to overcome disappointment. Meanwhile, as a person whose planned adventures have often gone awry, I can assure you that this story will, in time, feel less humiliating and will miraculously become ... funny.

At work, you are not obliged to retell the story. But if someone asks, you might be gracious enough to say this:

"I went because I promised my friends I would, and I always try to keep my word. But it was a more challenging bike ride than I expected. I decided to stop early. But at least I know now I kept my word, even when it is difficult for me to do so."




.

[Totally Guy]

After a day of darkness, ice-cream, brotherly advice and a takeaway curry I'm feeling a lot better about it.

And it is kind of funny. The nettle stings are more subtle now.

Somebody linked me to this picture on Facebook...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v44/macdonnell/469067_378060852241570_211873822193608_77073479_74 3676347_o.jpg

I'm the face looking out from behind the front guy.

[Serpentine]

I'm really impressed you tried it at all, too, Guy. Not many would. And lesson learned: brush up on your riding skills before you go on a long ride, if it's been a while. I had to learn to ride a bike like 4 times, because I didn't do it often enough to keep up the skill. "Like riding a bicycle" is a little misleading, I reckon...

[dehro]

if it's any consolation, I've never learned to do the "look mum, no hands!" thing..every time I let go of the handlebars, I have exactly half a second to grab them again or land on my face...also, bike-saddles don't agree with my tuchus. and the last 2 times I tried riding a bike, I parked them somewhere in town (this was in Cambridge) and came back to find them with a flat tire..so I've given up on bikes in general.

[Crow]

Posting this on behalf of a friend, who wishes to remain anonymous. Hope someone here can help.

Well, to your friend, I would say:

What helps me when I get into depressed moods, is thinking about the things that make me happy, or that I enjoy. Especially the things than can be done/experienced alone. Then I go do them.

You can't do it all the time, but sometimes one day is all it takes to relieve the burden of a multitude of trials over the course of a rough couple weeks. Make a habit of doing these "de-loads". A don't skip out on them due to other obligations. You have to give to yourself sometimes, and there is nothing wrong with that.

[Marillion]

Totally guy: That was kind of a rough experience. But my advice to you is to try and own the story! If someone asks you to tell it, you could be "that guy" who goes "Ehh, I'd really rather not...", or you can be the guy with a hilarious story to tell.

"...And all my friends ditched me! Can you believe it? But I said I was going to do this, and I'll be damned if I'm going to chicken out like they did. So anyway, there I was, completely naked in front of total strangers - and let me tell you, the cold weather wasn't doing me any favors - holding a bike, feeling more ridiculous than I have ever felt... and it wasn't that bad actually! Well, until I actually got on the bike. You know that saying about how you never forget how to ride a bicycle? Apparently, it doesn't apply if you're naked! So there I am, wobbling all over the place..."

Well, you get the idea. A little self-deprecation and humour can go a long way in dealing with this sort of embarrassment. If you treat it like it isn't a big deal, then it won't be. You might even make some new friends!

[dehro]

Totally guy: That was kind of a rough experience. But my advice to you is to try and own the story!
this absolutely.
if anyone else gets hold of it, you're going to look dumb in it..you be the one to tell it, and you can make whatever you like of it..a tale of heroism or a comedy skit...you'll gain points either way

[Totally Guy]

At this point I'm much more concerned with my friends never being there for me. I'm supposed to be going on a day trip tomorrow and my friend is not able to be contacted. I feel like I am putting all the effort yet again and it's not valued whatsoever.

They promise to spend time with me and I build it up in my head thinking about how much I want to spend time with them. They then don't follow through with those promises. But there's always an external factor.

I make promises. Put in all of the work. Then I fulfil them. There's no uncertainty. Nothing ever stops me. Maybe if I failed to fulfil my promises then they would build me up and respect me in their heads.

Of course I messed up for all these years by trying to make the work look effortless. This makes all the work hide under a rug where I can't claim any respect for doing it.


When it comes to telling the tale I can probably do that well enough. I do it naturally and regularly. When I wrote the earlier post I felt like I was the joke.

[rogueboy]

Well, to your friend, I would say:

What helps me when I get into depressed moods, is thinking about the things that make me happy, or that I enjoy. Especially the things than can be done/experienced alone. Then I go do them.

You can't do it all the time, but sometimes one day is all it takes to relieve the burden of a multitude of trials over the course of a rough couple weeks. Make a habit of doing these "de-loads". A don't skip out on them due to other obligations. You have to give to yourself sometimes, and there is nothing wrong with that.

I just want to second this. I know that for me, I need the 'de-stress' (as I usually call them) activities fairly often to keep up with the stress of grad school. I'm fortunate enough to have found that soccer is the best for me, followed by other physical activity (racquetball, going to the gym, etc), and spending the evening (or at least an hour or 2) doing nothing more complicated than video games are the best for me.

Advice to your friend being: work on finding a few things that can help, even if just a little bit, and then do everything possible to make time for those. If you (generic you) do 3-4 things a week, and vary 1 of them, you'll eventually find some very good options. It's worth the effort to find those things. For everyone, really, not just if you're feeling down.

[Ceric]

Ugh... this is basically my worst flaw as a person.

I'm fairly smart in the areas that I'm smart in (the areas that I'm not interested in, like biology and chemistry, aren't usually useful to a mechanical engineer anyways; and the areas like GE humanities or social sciences are easy) so through high school I never had to study very much, never had to group study (didn't have very many friends to study with anyway since my small group tended to be in different classes or grades), and still got As and a few Bs.

Now that I'm in college, and with the addition of working on your own rather than daily classes and required homework, I actually need to make myself study. It's not working. I get Cs and a few Bs, which is enough that I've never failed a class but last quarter I got a D (my second in two years) and that was enough to tip me into academic probation this quarter.

I'm only taking 11 units instead of the usual ~15 because the fourth class I wanted didn't have any more seats, and I thought (on my advisor's recommendation) that I could go easy this quarter, get some As, pick up my GPA, etc. Well it doesn't work. I barely even go to my lectures anymore. Seems a lot of effort to drag myself out of the apartment for about 1-2 hours of lecture every day, when I don't even understand what the teacher is saying (there's a catch-22 here). I've also never gone to a professor's or TA's office hours.

That's not even the main issue, although it's certainly worrying.

So I actually know quite a few other people, including my own apartmentmates, taking the same prereq classes as me. For example, and by some amazing coincidence that's exceptional even for us, a good 8 or so of us are all in the same math class this quarter. They get together for study groups all the time and work on the homework together.

But I don't. Because the final is next Monday but I haven't even touched my math textbook since the midterm almost five weeks ago. Here's the flaw: I get really self-consious and embarassed about myself. They're keeping track of which homeworks they're on and they're around ch 4 or 5 while I probably have to go back and review 1 through 2.5 since I haven't looked at it for so long. (Final is up to ch 7.)

They're studying at a friend's house right now and before my aptmates left they invited me to join them, and I said sure, and I'm still sitting here all self-consious and not really wanting to go at all. At all.

They're nice people. I don't think they'd mind. (Would they?) I doubt they'd mind. I think they'd mind much more if they all passed and I failed and they ask "why didn't you study with us??" and I had nothing to answer. I can't fail. I'm on academic probation. (Btw, two consecutive quarters on academic probation get you dismissed from school.) I don't know why that hasn't hit me yet. I haven't told it to anyone besides myself.

I'm even friends with a math grad student who's freely offered math tutoring and who lives about a block from my apartment and I've never gone to him for tutoring either.

fml. I guess I'll head over now and let whatever happens happen.

tl;dr I'm effing up my life and I don't know how to stop

(Math is currently my worst subject; at least physics makes sense, even if I can't do it.)

i'm stalling

[Rawhide]

Ugh... this is basically my worst flaw as a person.

I'm fairly smart in the areas that I'm smart in (the areas that I'm not interested in, like biology and chemistry, aren't usually useful to a mechanical engineer anyways; and the areas like GE humanities or social sciences are easy) so through high school I never had to study very much, never had to group study (didn't have very many friends to study with anyway since my small group tended to be in different classes or grades), and still got As and a few Bs.

Now that I'm in college, and with the addition of working on your own rather than daily classes and required homework, I actually need to make myself study. It's not working. I get Cs and a few Bs, which is enough that I've never failed a class but last quarter I got a D (my second in two years) and that was enough to tip me into academic probation this quarter.

I'm only taking 11 units instead of the usual ~15 because the fourth class I wanted didn't have any more seats, and I thought (on my advisor's recommendation) that I could go easy this quarter, get some As, pick up my GPA, etc. Well it doesn't work. I barely even go to my lectures anymore. Seems a lot of effort to drag myself out of the apartment for about 1-2 hours of lecture every day, when I don't even understand what the teacher is saying (there's a catch-22 here). I've also never gone to a professor's or TA's office hours.

That's not even the main issue, although it's certainly worrying.

So I actually know quite a few other people, including my own apartmentmates, taking the same prereq classes as me. For example, and by some amazing coincidence that's exceptional even for us, a good 8 or so of us are all in the same math class this quarter. They get together for study groups all the time and work on the homework together.

But I don't. Because the final is next Monday but I haven't even touched my math textbook since the midterm almost five weeks ago. Here's the flaw: I get really self-consious and embarassed about myself. They're keeping track of which homeworks they're on and they're around ch 4 or 5 while I probably have to go back and review 1 through 2.5 since I haven't looked at it for so long. (Final is up to ch 7.)

They're studying at a friend's house right now and before my aptmates left they invited me to join them, and I said sure, and I'm still sitting here all self-consious and not really wanting to go at all. At all.

They're nice people. I don't think they'd mind. (Would they?) I doubt they'd mind. I think they'd mind much more if they all passed and I failed and they ask "why didn't you study with us??" and I had nothing to answer. I can't fail. I'm on academic probation. (Btw, two consecutive quarters on academic probation get you dismissed from school.) I don't know why that hasn't hit me yet. I haven't told it to anyone besides myself.

I'm even friends with a math grad student who's freely offered math tutoring and who lives about a block from my apartment and I've never gone to him for tutoring either.

fml. I guess I'll head over now and let whatever happens happen.

tl;dr I'm effing up my life and I don't know how to stop

(Math is currently my worst subject; at least physics makes sense, even if I can't do it.)

i'm stalling

Go. Do it. Now.

Asking for help when you need it most can be very difficult. Admitting that you're struggling to cope even more so. But once you take that first step, it will become much easier.

[Cobra_Ikari]

Ugh... this is basically my worst flaw as a person.

I'm fairly smart in the areas that I'm smart in (the areas that I'm not interested in, like biology and chemistry, aren't usually useful to a mechanical engineer anyways; and the areas like GE humanities or social sciences are easy) so through high school I never had to study very much, never had to group study (didn't have very many friends to study with anyway since my small group tended to be in different classes or grades), and still got As and a few Bs.

Now that I'm in college, and with the addition of working on your own rather than daily classes and required homework, I actually need to make myself study. It's not working. I get Cs and a few Bs, which is enough that I've never failed a class but last quarter I got a D (my second in two years) and that was enough to tip me into academic probation this quarter.

I'm only taking 11 units instead of the usual ~15 because the fourth class I wanted didn't have any more seats, and I thought (on my advisor's recommendation) that I could go easy this quarter, get some As, pick up my GPA, etc. Well it doesn't work. I barely even go to my lectures anymore. Seems a lot of effort to drag myself out of the apartment for about 1-2 hours of lecture every day, when I don't even understand what the teacher is saying (there's a catch-22 here). I've also never gone to a professor's or TA's office hours.

That's not even the main issue, although it's certainly worrying.

So I actually know quite a few other people, including my own apartmentmates, taking the same prereq classes as me. For example, and by some amazing coincidence that's exceptional even for us, a good 8 or so of us are all in the same math class this quarter. They get together for study groups all the time and work on the homework together.

But I don't. Because the final is next Monday but I haven't even touched my math textbook since the midterm almost five weeks ago. Here's the flaw: I get really self-consious and embarassed about myself. They're keeping track of which homeworks they're on and they're around ch 4 or 5 while I probably have to go back and review 1 through 2.5 since I haven't looked at it for so long. (Final is up to ch 7.)

They're studying at a friend's house right now and before my aptmates left they invited me to join them, and I said sure, and I'm still sitting here all self-consious and not really wanting to go at all. At all.

They're nice people. I don't think they'd mind. (Would they?) I doubt they'd mind. I think they'd mind much more if they all passed and I failed and they ask "why didn't you study with us??" and I had nothing to answer. I can't fail. I'm on academic probation. (Btw, two consecutive quarters on academic probation get you dismissed from school.) I don't know why that hasn't hit me yet. I haven't told it to anyone besides myself.

I'm even friends with a math grad student who's freely offered math tutoring and who lives about a block from my apartment and I've never gone to him for tutoring either.

fml. I guess I'll head over now and let whatever happens happen.

tl;dr I'm effing up my life and I don't know how to stop

(Math is currently my worst subject; at least physics makes sense, even if I can't do it.)

i'm stalling

*hugs tight*

I know...a lot how that feels, because I do the same thing. A lot. I spent...most of my college career on academic probation for the exact same reason. =\

I...really have no idea how to get out of that, sorry. I'm kinda...doing the same thing myself this semester, and it makes me hate myself a lot. It's been ages since I've taken a Physics or Math course, and I don't know what courses you're taking, but...if there's anything I can do to help, I'd be more than happy to. *nods*

I've always felt the hardest thing is getting over your embarrassment and self-consciousness. If I miss a couple classes, whether from illness or a severe depression kick or for whatever reason, I find it so hard to walk into class again because I'm afraid people will make a big deal about my absence. And then it gets harder and harder as I try to psych myself up to going again, and before I know it, I've missed half the semester and there's no possible way for me to pass the class. I realize your exam is only 5 days away, but...I guess try not to get caught up in that cycle.

*hugs*...here's hoping you pass the course. And that maybe you find someone who's ok with going back and reviewing with you. =)

[rogueboy]

First off, I think you figured out yourself that your friends won't mind that you're behind. While they might seem a bit frustrated having to go back, it will help both of you; I know that there are subjects that I'm only as strong in as I am because I was the first person in my study group to figure it out, so I ended up explaining it, a lot.

Secondly, what Rawhide said. Between the fact that you're facing the potential of being dismissed from the school and the fact that you have so many people who want to help you (friends, grad student, TAs/teachers [see below]), you have no excuse to not be trying. If you don't, you'll deal with what you suggested your friends responses will be: "why didn't you study with us?"

Finally, the TAs/teachers want you to succeed. Unless their completely horrible at what they're doing. I've spent the last 2 years TAing chemistry courses (labs mostly, with a gen chem lecture in there as well), so I'm speaking from the other side here, so to speak. If you go to your TAs office hours, tell them what's going on, and show them that you are willing to put in the effort to succeed, they will do whatever they can to help you. Whether it'll be enough is up to you, obviously, but I have had students (both in my section, and in other sections, since we shared office hours) who came to my office hours regularly, and asked for help when they needed it. Whether you simply sit there and work on stuff, asking for help when you get stuck, or whether you do the work in advance and then go to office hours with various questions to ask, you'll want to show your desire to succeed (yes, you need to convince yourself of that first, but see above for that part). I've found that teachers are very similar, but I don't have personal experience from the other side there, which is why I focused on the TA aspect.

Also, your catch-22 of not understanding the material can be helped a lot by going to office hours. Tell the TA/teacher what's going on, and see if they can give you some things you should focus on. While a lot of classes are cumulative, they aren't equally cumulative; there's more that builds off of some things than others, and some that are really just the end of a chain. The TA/teacher can help you figure out which are the key building blocks, which are the minor building blocks, and which are just the ornamentation.

[MonkeyBusiness]

Ceric:
Rawhide is right. Go now and study with your pals. Keep in mind that teaching someone else to do something (as your friends will do for you if you go) is a great way to study ... so you might actually be a help to them.

It's an awful feel to know you've let yourself down. But now is not the time to berate yourself for what you wish you had done. Now iis the time to *cram*. Just do the best you can. After finals, you can make a plan for how you will do better next time.

Good luck and hang in there.


Totally Guy:
I like Marillion's advice much better than mine!

I sympathize with your dilemma. I too have had friends bail out on events I planned. What I learned from that (repeated) experience was this: planning creates a sense of ownership. If only one person plans, that person has all the sense of ownership of the event. This means to that one person (me) the event is very important, while to everyone else it is just a date on a calendar. So when possible I try not to be the sole planner/organizer.

On the other hand, I think your pals don't quite realize how lucky they are to have a friend like you who keeps his promises.

Blue:
Crow has given some awesome advice. The only thing I can think to add is that sometimes it takes some practice to remember to do fun things. It's even possible to forrget what is fun. I know that sounds weird, but it is true. I think lots of people are hard on themselves for "not knowing how to have fun" .... but frankly, fun is a skill same as anything else. As the Cat in the Hat says, "It's good to have fun, but you've got to know how!"

So it's important to set time aside to do fun things, for the same reasons it's important to set time aside to study: once one gets out of the habit, it's hard to return to it.

Your friend is lucky to have a friend like you.


Be well everyone.

Monkey





.

[Ceric]

Okay... wow. What did I write, again? I basically posted that, stalled for half an hour, and then somehow swapped out my depressed self-consious self for my cheerful self before biking to the friend's place. It helped that no one's as far ahead as I think they are; only one friend out of the five there is actually caught up on the homework (he's the one teaching everyone else) and two others were playing a game on the iPhone and ignoring the math entirely. The friend asked me where I was on the homework and I answered that I hadn't done "much of anything" since the midterm; his only reaction was a lighthearted groan and "why didn't you study with us earlier, we just got <other friend> caught up!" So he gave me his ch 3.1 homework and I worked on that, which was super easy since it was just following "if the equation looks like this, do this, and that's the answer" sort of instructions. (I mean, I should probably figure out why you make y=e^(rt) and that causes the answer to be y=C1e^(r1t)+C2e^(r2t), but it's just math :smalltongue:)

They'd already been there for almost four hours longer than me, so I only got about half that homework done before they decided to quit for now. We biked back to our apartment and played video games :smalltongue: Then I went to my wushu practice. Exercise is good. Afterwards, went with some of the wushu people to get food and pearl milk tea rather than straight home, and ended up staying there for a couple of hours chatting and talking about weird/funny things, such as waterbending sheep solving all the world's problems. (We, uh, were supposed to study math again after practice but by the time the math/wushu friend and I got back they were done and gone.)

All is good now. I mean, I'm still only halfway through ch 3.1 of whatever is due for Monday's final, and I'm still on academic probation, but I don't feel nearly as hopeless now that I'm actually doing something about it.

Not sure if it's a good good or just a delusional one. But I feel a lot better, and I'm actually doing the work now.


After finals, you can make a plan for how you will do better next time. Seeing as I'm on academic probation because of last quarter, I should have had this done by now...

[MonkeyBusiness]

Ceric:

Yay! I'm glad you went and found it to be more helpful and more supportive than you'd feared. Your "wait ... what did I write" response made me smile.

Keep up the good work. It's good to use exercise, game, and relaxing with friends to reward yourself for hard work and help you relax during the stress of finals week. Just don't let the "reward" last indefinitely so it becomes a way to avoid studying again.

And yes, you "should have" made a plan a long time ago ... but the situation is what it is, and thinking in terms of "should haves" will only make you feel guilty .... and guilt is a big inhibitor to concentration. So put that aside for now.

Best of luck to you! I hope you'll let us know how it all goes!

[AtlanteanTroll]

So, IDK, I'm just feeling really lethargic and weird and it's got me down.

I've been having a lot of fun this summer. Hanging out with friends and stuff. Really lazy and relaxed. Up until now, I had been loving it. And then today was just ... Weird. I should have had a lot of fun, but I didn't.

I played an uber-relaxed game of golf with some of my pals, and we all did terribad, but I got in 1 or 2 good holes even though I've only played once before. Then we went back to a friends house to continue a Game of Thrones marathon, where we met up with our female marathon buddies, one of which I like. After a few episodes we went out and got some pizza before going to another friends house where we did ping pong and just hung out for a few hours.

At one point the girls in the group left to go get another friend, and I got into an odd conversation with the remaining people, all of which I'm close with. Suicide for some reason got brought up, and I was the only one who apparently has ever been remotely suicidal, so I just felt awkward. And maybe that's what really got me down, but I wasn't having fun before that, and I really should have.

This could also all just be because I stayed up for 41 hours straight recently, so I dunno if it actually matters or not. Thoughts are appreciated anyway.

[Castaras]

This could also all just be because I stayed up for 41 hours straight recently, so I dunno if it actually matters or not. Thoughts are appreciated anyway.

This could have an impact, y'know. Being tired makes me feel depressed. Sleep is a good thing, and you should have some. Work on catching up.

[Miraqariftsky]

This could have an impact, y'know. Being tired makes me feel depressed. Sleep is a good thing, and you should have some. Work on catching up.

For what it's worth... Seconded. Immensely. Sleep is a wonderful, wonderful thing. It not only helps the flesh recuperate and revitalize, but the mind and the soul as well. Sleep helps you both to remember things you're looking for and forget the woes of the day. Sleep helps clear the blood-ways and the thought-ways. Sometimes, a little bit of a break to rest or catch up on sleep can indeed help catch up with work and other matters.

[AtlanteanTroll]

The sleep thing makes sense and all, but I don't think that's what it is. Seeing as how that happened Tuesday-Wednesday and I got a lot of sleep Wednesday night/Thursday morning. Plus, I felt very awake through out Wednesday ... Very a live. Perhaps though. :smallsigh:

[AtlanteanTroll]

Hate to double post, especially since it makes me look like a freaking ... ... ... I don't even know. But.

So here I am. Home alone. Making myself some pasta because I'm a bum and haven't eaten all day. My dad's been gone for hours on some date. I haven't left the house for more than 2 hours in 3 day. I feel awesome!

[WarKitty]

When did our society become so...romance-focused? I'm finding that I'm just lonely, but I don't want to go on dates. Except I don't feel like there's anywhere to go, you know? I want more than just seeing a few people once a week - I want real, strong, lasting relationships.

[Cobra_Ikari]

When did our society become so...romance-focused? I'm finding that I'm just lonely, but I don't want to go on dates. Except I don't feel like there's anywhere to go, you know? I want more than just seeing a few people once a week - I want real, strong, lasting relationships.

I'm confused as to what you're saying. You don't want romance, or dates, you want strong relationships? From the "few people once a week" comment, would these be, like, a close enduring group of friends, relationship, or are you talking about a romantic relationship...without...romance? :smallconfused:

[Objection]

I'm confused as to what you're saying. You don't want romance, or dates, you want strong relationships? From the "few people once a week" comment, would these be, like, a close enduring group of friends, relationship, or are you talking about a romantic relationship...without...romance? :smallconfused:

I wonder how one could have a romantic relationship without romance. I guess maybe it'd have something to do with performing the actions of a romantic relationship but without the romantic intent? I don't know, that sounds a bit ... shady.

EDIT: Or maybe it's the opposite, like a relationship with romantic intent but without the romantic actions?

[Serpentine]

I'm confused as to what you're saying. You don't want romance, or dates, you want strong relationships? From the "few people once a week" comment, would these be, like, a close enduring group of friends, relationship, or are you talking about a romantic relationship...without...romance? :smallconfused:...or she could mean small-r relationship, as in friendships and the like? Or maybe she wants to skip the dating part and go straight to the comfortable part... Or both!

[Cobra_Ikari]

...or she could mean small-r relationship, as in friendships and the like? Or maybe she wants to skip the dating part and go straight to the comfortable part... Or both!

Pretty sure I covered all those in my original post. =P

[Form]

Sounds like a desire for close friendships to me. You could deepen already existing friendships by doing some bonding activities together. It'll take some time of course.

[Blue Ghost]

Yeah... Deep friendships are hard to come by, and a lot of people aren't willing to be real enough with their friends to develop such relationships. I think the best way to do so would be to take the initiative. Open up to the friends that you have, be vulnerable, and I bet at least some of them will do the same to you.

[WarKitty]

...or she could mean small-r relationship, as in friendships and the like? Or maybe she wants to skip the dating part and go straight to the comfortable part... Or both!

The first one. I'm looking for relationships that will last and not just fall apart when someone has to move (which happens often in my field) or gets married or what have you. But I'm not looking for a romantic or sexual relationship. But I just don't feel like that's an available option in our society, and I feel like I'm marked out as really weird for not wanting one.

[Cobra_Ikari]

The first one. I'm looking for relationships that will last and not just fall apart when someone has to move (which happens often in my field) or gets married or what have you. But I'm not looking for a romantic or sexual relationship. But I just don't feel like that's an available option in our society, and I feel like I'm marked out as really weird for not wanting one.

So...long-distance capable...friendshippy type things? I thought that was what we were for! =P

More seriously, I have no idea how to get into that after a certain point. Maybe people with whom you share hobbies or something? I was lucky enough to have a close group of friends that endured in spite of scattering across the country, and I know I'd be completely lost without them. *hugs* =\

[blackfox]

The first one. I'm looking for relationships that will last and not just fall apart when someone has to move (which happens often in my field) or gets married or what have you. But I'm not looking for a romantic or sexual relationship. But I just don't feel like that's an available option in our society, and I feel like I'm marked out as really weird for not wanting one.Every time I've managed that it's been through shared interests and activities. Most often, multiplayer video games, at least for me. Without doing things like this, I've never managed to keep in touch with people who move or go to different schools or whatnot, sadly.

[Feytalist]

The first one. I'm looking for relationships that will last and not just fall apart when someone has to move (which happens often in my field) or gets married or what have you. But I'm not looking for a romantic or sexual relationship. But I just don't feel like that's an available option in our society, and I feel like I'm marked out as really weird for not wanting one.

My oldest and very best friend is a girl who I've known for close to 13 years now. We started hanging out simply because we were placed next to each other in choir practice one day. There was some mutual romantic attraction early on, but we've moved way past that by now. We haven't got much in common, a similar sense of humour maybe, but ours is the deepest and most open friendship I have. We live 400km apart now and it's still like that.

So relationships like that aren't weird. Maybe just uncommon. My point is that such relationships take time. You're not expected or supposed to open up like that to someone you've just met. First you have to find someone you can actually stand to be around. Strike up a normal friendship. Also it doesn't hurt if you go through some stuff together. The term fire-forged friendship isn't used for nothing. Maybe it develops into something more over time. It's worth trying anyway.

[WarKitty]

My oldest and very best friend is a girl who I've known for close to 13 years now. We started hanging out simply because we were placed next to each other in choir practice one day. There was some mutual romantic attraction early on, but we've moved way past that by now. We haven't got much in common, a similar sense of humour maybe, but ours is the deepest and most open friendship I have. We live 400km apart now and it's still like that.

So relationships like that aren't weird. Maybe just uncommon. My point is that such relationships take time. You're not expected or supposed to open up like that to someone you've just met. First you have to find someone you can actually stand to be around. Strike up a normal friendship. Also it doesn't hurt if you go through some stuff together. The term fire-forged friendship isn't used for nothing. Maybe it develops into something more over time. It's worth trying anyway.

I wonder if the time thing isn't part of the problem. I've never been able to know someone IRL for more than a year or two without one of us moving away. And that doesn't look hugely likely to change.

[The Succubus]

I wonder if the time thing isn't part of the problem. I've never been able to know someone IRL for more than a year or two without one of us moving away. And that doesn't look hugely likely to change.

I can understand that, Kitty. I can understand it all too well.

For about 10 years, my job involved me moving all over the country for short periods of time - sometimes as long as a year, sometimes only a few weeks. I'd socialise with people easily enough but there was always that metaphorical Sword of Damocles over my friendships. I think it may have messed with my ability to make normal long term friendships with people. My romantic nature didn't help matters much either. >.>

[THAC0]

I wonder if the time thing isn't part of the problem. I've never been able to know someone IRL for more than a year or two without one of us moving away. And that doesn't look hugely likely to change.

Don't give up. I'm in a similar position - we move every three years, and since everyone around us also moves every three years it's rare to overlap for more than a year or two. I'm also the most unsocial person ever, but I managed to find an awesome friend by sheer happenstance. We were only in the same area for about six months, but we'll travel all over the country to hang out and have adventures.

[MonkeyBusiness]

I'm looking for relationships that will last and not just fall apart when someone has to move ... or gets married or what have you.

You and me both, kid! It's difficult to find friendships of this caliber. When I went through my divorce, I discovered who my true friends really are, because for some reason once I stopped being part of a "matched set", people who had known me and classifed me in terms of my marriage just ... vanished. It was dumb ... but it was also deeply hurtful.

It was pretty harrowing to watch so many friends "forget" me when I needed them most. What was worse were the friends who decided to put the moves on me now that I seemed to be "available". I was not available, just not married anymore. One those friends was someone I cared about a lot, and he did not react well. That was worse than the vanishing act.

Having said that, I survived it, figured out who my real friends were, and made some new friends, too. I am choosier now, though.

But to be honest, I don't think it has to do entirely with society. True friendships have always been hard to find and keep. Seneca, Montaigne, and Bacon all wrote about friendship. I think it's just part of the human condition: the need for friendship contrasted with all the fears and complications involved when two human beings depend on each other.

The oldest bit of written-down story, the poem of Gilgamesh, is all about a close friendship, and what happens when that friendship is lost. So is the *Illiad*.

*thinks about that a moment. Wanders off to write*














.

[WarKitty]

You and me both, kid! It's difficult to find friendships of this caliber. When I went through my divorce, I discovered who my true friends really are, because for some reason once I stopped being part of a "matched set", people who had known me and classifed me in terms of my marriage just ... vanished. It was dumb ... but it was also deeply hurtful.

It was pretty harrowing to watch so many friends "forget" me when I needed them most. What was worse were the friends who decided to put the moves on me now that I seemed to be "available". I was not available, just not married anymore. One those friends was someone I cared about a lot, and he did not react well. That was worse than the vanishing act.

Having said that, I survived it, figured out who my real friends were, and made some new friends, too. I am choosier now, though.

But to be honest, I don't think it has to do entirely with society. True friendships have always been hard to find and keep. Seneca, Montaigne, and Bacon all wrote about friendship. I think it's just part of the human condition: the need for friendship contrasted with all the fears and complications involved when two human beings depend on each other.

The oldest bit of written-down story, the poem of Gilgamesh, is all about a close friendship, and what happens when that friendship is lost. So is the *Illiad*.

*thinks about that a moment. Wanders off to write*

The main frustration with society is that most people around me seem to have the beliefs that:
(1) All single people are automatically desirous of getting into a relationship right away.
(2) The only relationships that can be expected to last are romantic partnerships.

It's really hard to build strong friendships when most people around you don't believe there is any such thing.

[MonkeyBusiness]

The main frustration with society is that most people around me seem to have the beliefs that:
(1) All single people are automatically desirous of getting into a relationship right away.
(2) The only relationships that can be expected to last are romantic partnerships.

It's really hard to build strong friendships when most people around you don't believe there is any such thing.

*nods*
You forgot one, though:

3. The only important relationships are romantic ones.

I hate that number three. Let me tell you, after years in a "romantic relationship" that was very lonely (the man previously known as my husband was always "too busy" to spend time with me) I am so damn happy to be single.

This is not to say I don't sometimes wish I had someone I could hold hands with, or cuddle, or make wild and passionate Monkeysex to. But mostly I feel relief to not be stuck in a relationship that was no longer the other person's top priority. Part of what makes friendship so wonderful is that friends are less likely to have the (mistaken) hope that the other person in the friendship will be a soulmate, or that a soulmate is even desireable.

Friends can just be people who like each other a whole lot, and are free to be as devoted as they choose.

[WarKitty]

*nods*
You forgot one, though:

3. The only important relationships are romantic ones.

I hate that number three. Let me tell you, after years in a "romantic relationship" that was very lonely (the man previously known as my husband was always "too busy" to spend time with me) I am so damn happy to be single.

This is not to say I don't sometimes wish I had someone I could hold hands with, or cuddle, or make wild and passionate Monkeysex to. But mostly I feel relief to not be stuck in a relationship that was no longer the other person's top priority. Part of what makes friendship so wonderful is that friends are less likely to have the (mistaken) hope that the other person in the friendship will be a soulmate, or that a soulmate is even desireable.

Friends can just be people who like each other a whole lot, and are free to be as devoted as they choose.


Yeesh do I get that one. That's part of my complaint about the tendency people have to veer off when they find a romantic partner - they have their partner, so they don't need to worry about friendships anymore. Or if we have a strong relationship, it's a threat to their new partner and has to be broken up.

[MonkeyBusiness]

Yeesh do I get that one. That's part of my complaint about the tendency people have to veer off when they find a romantic partner - they have their partner, so they don't need to worry about friendships anymore. Or if we have a strong relationship, it's a threat to their new partner and has to be broken up.

What is ironic is this: the main reason why I am now divorced is because the man previously known as my husband veered in the opposite extreme. He never invested time in our friendship. This was devastating, because I considered him, for many years, to be my best friend. When he stopped treating me as a friend and started treating me as "the litttle woman" (a simplification of the situation, but good enough for this conversation, for now) the marriage began to falter. I'm still not sure what my contribution was to that situation ... because he was never willing to discuss it. /grousing

Not sure where I'm going with that observation right now, but I felt I needed to say that.

Friendships, like any relationship, require work. I suspect that because we think of our friends as those we go to to have fun, we can forget how much work is involved. Like being there when a friend's dog dies, or she goes through a divorce, or loses her home and job ... a friend who spends months being blue is not much fun , but we take care of our friends because we love them, and because we hope they would do the same for us.

Friendship, like all love, is a bit of a gamble.






.

[Marillion]

So life has been pretty ok lately. I work a lot, but it kept me living on my own. One of my jobs is on hiatus for the summer, and I was looking forward to relaxing a little bit. I was way ahead of all my bills, and was planning to begin saving for college once I got back to having 2 paychecks.

So, NATURALLY, I come home from work today to discover that my apartment "retains the right...to extend a non-renewal offer with a 30 day written notice. At this time we do not wish to renew your current lease....We are requesting that you vacate your apartment by July 31, 2012".

I don't know what has prompted this. I've never been late with my rent payments; in fact, technically they owe me money because I have been paying more than I need to. But I guess it doesn't matter. What matters is you guys I cannot afford to move. I had a small amount of money saved up in case I fell behind on bills, but it is not nearly enough to cover first months rent + security deposit + moving & cleaning expenses, nor will I make that in a month and a half. There's no one whose couch I can crash on, because I have dogs. Finding a roommate, same issue.

You guys, my dogs. What am I going to do with them? What am I going to do with me?

Also, :smallfurious::smallfurious::smallfurious::smallfu rious: the company for being jerks about this. Any problem they had could have been solved by just talking to me about it.

[dehro]

So life has been pretty ok lately. I work a lot, but it kept me living on my own. One of my jobs is on hiatus for the summer, and I was looking forward to relaxing a little bit. I was way ahead of all my bills, and was planning to begin saving for college once I got back to having 2 paychecks.

So, NATURALLY, I come home from work today to discover that my apartment "retains the right...to extend a non-renewal offer with a 30 day written notice. At this time we do not wish to renew your current lease....We are requesting that you vacate your apartment by July 31, 2012".

I don't know what has prompted this. I've never been late with my rent payments; in fact, technically they owe me money because I have been paying more than I need to. But I guess it doesn't matter. What matters is you guys I cannot afford to move. I had a small amount of money saved up in case I fell behind on bills, but it is not nearly enough to cover first months rent + security deposit + moving & cleaning expenses, nor will I make that in a month and a half. There's no one whose couch I can crash on, because I have dogs. Finding a roommate, same issue.

You guys, my dogs. What am I going to do with them? What am I going to do with me?

Also, :smallfurious::smallfurious::smallfurious::smallfu rious: the company for being jerks about this. Any problem they had could have been solved by just talking to me about it.

try telling them this in a reasonable manner to try and at least get more time to move..and find out why this is happening.

about the money..shouldn't they return you the money owed and the security deposit that you can then use elsewhere?

[Marillion]

try telling them this in a reasonable manner to try and at least get more time to move..and find out why this is happening.
The way this will work here is that if (IF) they decide to let me stay, I will be put on a month-to-month lease, paying an artificially inflated rent that they call "fair market value" or something like that. Basically, my rent would go up by $300, and they could still kick me out at any time for any reason. As to the why, I don't think they owe me any explanation, and the manager is one of those "Stepford" type women. Getting a straight answer out of her is like pulling teeth.


about the money..shouldn't they return you the money owed and the security deposit that you can then use elsewhere?
I am not expecting the entirety of my deposit back. It has been my experience that owning pets is like wearing a sign that says "take all my money please" to apartment complexes, regardless of how clean and non-destructive your pets actually are. Either way, though, any final charges or credits will be mailed to me within 45 days of my move-out date, so at the moment it may as well be non-existent.

[Rawhide]

*














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MonkeyBusiness, your white spaces are getting bigger and bigger...

[MonkeyBusiness]

You make an excellent point Rawhide, and I'll watch that. It is not intentional. But I can't figure out why you did not tell me this in a private message, rather than embarassing me in public. In future, please do not do this in the middle of a thread.

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[Rawhide]

You make an excellent point Rawhide, and I'll watch that. It is not intentional. But I can't figure out why you did not tell me this in a private message, rather than embarassing me in public. In future, please be more considerate.

.

Because I was mentioning it in jest. :smallwink:

[MonkeyBusiness]

Oh. Okay, well, it didn't *feel* like a jest. *weak smile* Seriously, when I see a message from a mod, I pay attention to it. To me, this is kind of like getting pulled over by a cop, and finding out it was a prank. I suppose I'm giving away my "lawful good" (or merely oc) tendencies by indicating how much this worried me.

Incidentally, the white spaces happen because I post from my phone, which is (a) my main connection to the internet and (b) a piece of crap. It is very frustrating.

[Rawhide]

I just found it incredibly amusing is all. While it is something you should try to prevent, I wasn't censuring you, but poking fun at it. Mods are people too who participate in the forums and like to have fun. We'll make it clear if we're telling you to do or not to do something.

[The Succubus]

The white spaces are like a piece of your signature Monkey, it's something that's unique to your style of posting. Don't be embarassed about it. :smallsmile:

[MonkeyBusiness]

Succubus:
*hugs* Thank you, sweetheart.

Marilllion:

That is incredibly stressful. I wish I could stomp over there and boot your landlady person right in her landlady parts. Failing that, may I recommend that you check out the local renter's union? They might have some advice.

Rawhide:
































































































































































































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Merry Christmas.




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[Daemonhawk]

I don't know how to begin this, but here goes.

I've been depressed for two years now, not medically diagnosed, but I am lonely and unhappy. My family ritually verbally abuses me, swearing at me and what not, and in addition I haven't met a girl who likes me yet, though I am only 15. Any advice on what to do?

[rogueboy]

I don't know how to begin this, but here goes.

I've been depressed for two years now, not medically diagnosed, but I am lonely and unhappy. My family ritually verbally abuses me, swearing at me and what not, and in addition I haven't met a girl who likes me yet, though I am only 15. Any advice on what to do?

Have you spoken with a professional about your depression? Or is this a self-diagnosis thing? The latter is incredibly unhelpful (to yourself, specifically), the former can be helpful, since professionals are (spoiler alert!) trained to help you.

I don't have much advice about the family problems, but don't put much stock into not having met a girl who likes you yet. Society tells us everyone's had a gf/bf by a certain age, but I can tell you first-hand that it's not true for everyone. Personally, I have 0 people who have been romantically interested in me (I have a pretty even split of male/female friends, actually), and 1 who *might* have been interested in me... but nothing came from the first time we met, and I never saw her after that, so confirmation is lacking, at best.

[Worlok]

I don't know how to begin this, but here goes.

I've been depressed for two years now, not medically diagnosed, but I am lonely and unhappy. My family ritually verbally abuses me, swearing at me and what not, and in addition I haven't met a girl who likes me yet, though I am only 15. Any advice on what to do?
It's alright, you're alright, and you're doing fine. So, I could go and talk to you about seeing professionals and whatnot, but you already admit it isn't medically diagnosed. You're depressed, not depressive, as you aptly judged, there is a difference and it's a big one, too. So don't you worry about that.

First things first, though, here's the deal: You're fifteen. You are fifteen now, and can be perfect later. You are right here, right now, the way you are, and that is GOOD. More than anything and if nothing else, remember that. Your family is giving you crap? Piling it onto you? Making your life a nightmare at times, with their nagging and swearing and cursing and such? Well, you're fifteen, man. And I'm not calling you "man" lightly. In more than half the cultures on this rock of ours you've been considered a man since about a year without anyone even knowing that! So here is what you'll have to do: The next time they start having at you in such a way, or better yet, right now, you give some back. That is entirely okay and justified. You walk right up to them first chance you get and say: "Alright, folks. There's a problem here. You're giving me all manner of crap, and I don't know what the **** your problem is, but I have one with that. So I'm not perfect? Well, too bad. I'm fifteen, for (insert object of common reference)'s sake. I'm fifteen now, I can be perfect later. I am right here, right now, the way I am, and that is GOOD. And if you can't accept that, deal with it!" And say it like you believe it, and best start believing it, too, because it is the goddamn case and has been for a while! And if you want to, you can talk it out with them right there, or you can simply go and leave them to chew on that, either way, chances are whatever happens next is just gonna improve your lot. Because someone that bullies ya? They do it because you don't fight back. Speaking up is the greatest weapon you have, anyone could have, and once they're called out on it, it will make them think again, believe me here.

I can not promise you it will be easy, or that it will go just as you might now hope. But really, you're at that point in a guy's life at which we all decide who we are. And personally, I'd say to stand up NOW and clear out your troubles is going to do much more for you than any professional, any girl, or any depression thread on the internet. We're here to help, and help we will if we somehow can, but all the decisions are yours to make. And trust me, once the guy that's getting crap at home walks into school one day like the man he has finally dared becoming, willing to take his problems on, and not letting anyone stop him from rising up and beyond the mold, others will not only like you, they'll feckin' LIE AWAKE AT NIGHT AND HOPE THAT MAYBE YOU LIKE THEM! So really, seize your chances now. Go out, talk about it, settle this, and then come back and tell us how it went, if you so wish. All of the best to you. Chin up, and NO-ONE can bring ya down. Also: I'm not saying that you must. I'm thinking that you should. Your call. :smallamused:

[MonkeyBusiness]

Daemonhawk,

I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough time.

I think it's really hard being fifteen, even under the best of circumstances. Everything seems to be changing: you are expected to be "more responsible", things at school get more challenging academically, life gets more complicated socially ... even one's body goes through sudden changes.

When a person goes through all of this, but without feeling supposted by an understanding family, it gets much harder.

No family is perfect, just as no person is perfect. But no-one deserves to be verbally abused.

I hope you will seek help, from an advisor at school or your family doctor, to arrange a meeting with a psychologist. This will do two things. First, it will help you get a diagnosis, and maybe some counselling that will help you to feel less depressed and more hopeful. Second, it will give you an ally who can help you find a way to deal with the people in your family who are verbally abusing you. When you are fifteen, you need adults on your side.

It certainly makes sense to take a stand. However I urge you not to be confrontational, as that can escalate the abuse. A good way to stand up for yourself without escalating things is to use neutral phrases. Try to find a copy of "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, which talks about how to do this.

As others have pointed out, it is early to worry about not having a girl liking you. Frankly, there very well might be one or more girls who like you, but who are reluctant to say anything, for the same reasons you might.

Finally, it is important to have ways to reassure yourself, when your family is being abusive, that you are okay. When a teacher writes praise on your homework, or if a friend sends you a kind email ... keep it. Take it out when things get rough and remember that people who you really respect and like, respect and like you too.

I hope you will keep in touch and let us know how things are going with you.

-Monkey



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[Daemonhawk]

It's alright, you're alright, and you're doing fine. So, I could go and talk to you about seeing professionals and whatnot, but you already admit it isn't medically diagnosed. You're depressed, not depressive, as you aptly judged, there is a difference and it's a big one, too. So don't you worry about that.

First things first, though, here's the deal: You're fifteen. You are fifteen now, and can be perfect later. You are right here, right now, the way you are, and that is GOOD. More than anything and if nothing else, remember that. Your family is giving you crap? Piling it onto you? Making your life a nightmare at times, with their nagging and swearing and cursing and such? Well, you're fifteen, man. And I'm not calling you "man" lightly. In more than half the cultures on this rock of ours you've been considered a man since about a year without anyone even knowing that! So here is what you'll have to do: The next time they start having at you in such a way, or better yet, right now, you give some back. That is entirely okay and justified. You walk right up to them first chance you get and say: "Alright, folks. There's a problem here. You're giving me all manner of crap, and I don't know what the **** your problem is, but I have one with that. So I'm not perfect? Well, too bad. I'm fifteen, for (insert object of common reference)'s sake. I'm fifteen now, I can be perfect later. I am right here, right now, the way I am, and that is GOOD. And if you can't accept that, deal with it!" And say it like you believe it, and best start believing it, too, because it is the goddamn case and has been for a while! And if you want to, you can talk it out with them right there, or you can simply go and leave them to chew on that, either way, chances are whatever happens next is just gonna improve your lot. Because someone that bullies ya? They do it because you don't fight back. Speaking up is the greatest weapon you have, anyone could have, and once they're called out on it, it will make them think again, believe me here.

I can not promise you it will be easy, or that it will go just as you might now hope. But really, you're at that point in a guy's life at which we all decide who we are. And personally, I'd say to stand up NOW and clear out your troubles is going to do much more for you than any professional, any girl, or any depression thread on the internet. We're here to help, and help we will if we somehow can, but all the decisions are yours to make. And trust me, once the guy that's getting crap at home walks into school one day like the man he has finally dared becoming, willing to take his problems on, and not letting anyone stop him from rising up and beyond the mold, others will not only like you, they'll feckin' LIE AWAKE AT NIGHT AND HOPE THAT MAYBE YOU LIKE THEM! So really, seize your chances now. Go out, talk about it, settle this, and then come back and tell us how it went, if you so wish. All of the best to you. Chin up, and NO-ONE can bring ya down. Also: I'm not saying that you must. I'm thinking that you should. Your call. :smallamused:

In the month or so I have been on this forum I have met better people than those I have met in five years. You are the most amazing group of people I have ever met. I posted this fully expecting what both friends and church members have given me, and instead got the best response I could ever dream of. Thank you so much for that advice, and I accept it whole heartedly. I feel amazing after reading that, and a new found resolve has made its way into my body. Thank you all so much.

And to Monkey, because I don't know how to double quote, I understand what you're saying, and I won't be aggressive or confrontational in it. I don't need to make things worse.

[THAC0]

And to Monkey, because I don't know how to double quote

Use the little " button next to quote.

I just learned this myself!

[The Succubus]

I always wondered how that strange voodoo magic worked.

[Mono Vertigo]

Okay.
Picture depression as a huge black cloud monster. If it swallows you, and you manage to save yourself and get away, you haven't completely won yet, because it has wrapped its long tongue around you. It can track you down and swallow you again.
Often because it's a big cloud, you don't see it coming (back), or it appears to be much farther than it actually is.
Well, that's exactly what's happened to me, and I'm at the point where I'm in its mouth again, but its mouth isn't closed yet.

Depression's come back. I have no motivation to do any of the stuff in my life that's actually important. I cry just thinking about it. I don't really expect anything nice in my future at all. I've seriously started thinking that if my boyfriend hadn't been here by my side, killing myself would be an option. That is bad. I'm still lucid enough to see the symptoms, be aware that suicide is a ******-up pseudo-solution, and blame external factors for my current state instead of myself, but the depression is still coming back.
I don't want to take mind-numbing medication again, I don't want to go back to a professional and waste again so much time and money explaining once again everything that's wrong in my life when I'm perfectly aware of it all already, until they decide I'm okay again. And on the other hand, my boyfriend has his own problems and is slowly winning his own fight against depression, he's gonna stop his medication soon. I don't want to be a load for him, I don't want to put his recovery in jeopardy.
**** **** **** ****.
I really thought I could manage to keep my relative sanity this time. On top of the depression itself, I'm depressed over feeling depressed.
Fortunately, I'm still lucid. I still know where I stand. I know it's not normal for me to feel I'm useless and hopeless. I absolutely have to go back to my normal state without the medication and therapy.

Anyway, I'm gonna tell him tonight. I still don't know how. But I have to be honest with him and tell him.

[MonkeyBusiness]

Musahsi:

I am so sorry you are going through this. Here is a *big hug* for you, if you like hugs. (More where that came from, if you do.)

All right, first thing I have to say is this: I am actually relieved you have gotten to the point where you can recognize the symptoms for what they are and can place yourself on the "map" of depression. Since you have been down this road before, you know what to expect.

So does your boyfriend. You are right both in your desire not to hide this, and in your realization that you can't rely on him as a liferaft. But no matter where you are in your respective journeys in coping with the depression, it's important to talk to each other about where you are on the "map" and how you are feeling.

So when you talk to him tonight, I encourage you to discuss how you can be supportive to each other, without crossing any boundaries. This is good for any couple to do, actually, no matter the state of emotional health: without knowing (and respectfully observing) the other person's boundaries, the whole relationship quickly becomes out of balance.

One kind of help he might offer that is healthy is to help you to find a doctor who is a better diagnostician than your last one. (The way you describe the effect of your meds concerns me, as does the idea that the doctor tell you when you are well.). Another thing he can do that is healthy for both of you. Is to provide a nudge of assistance when it is important. For example, he might be a wake-up call on mornings when you have an important meeting or appointment. Or, he can meet you for lunch after. These things don't involve trying to pull you out of the cloud, or plunging into you cloud to rescue you. They are simply ways of being together, that help you feel supported.

Because he is your boyfriend, he is going to *want* to be supportive. That is what friends do. So do not deprive him of this role: that is caretaking, and it is a s wrong for you to do that as it is for him to do for you. But do discuss what you both thing he is capable of doing, as well as what he wants to do. To assume he is a delicate flower is as disrespectful as dumping your black cloud on his shoulders. (Not saying you do either.)

And I'd also like to address your statement that you blame external factors for your depression "instead of yourself". I get that you mean that the source of depression in emotional, not circumstantial .... but because you are depressed, the idea that you blame yourself for this worries me. You are not to blame, any more than you would be to blame for any recurring physical condition flaring up. *hugs again*

Since you are having suicidal thoughts, it is essentiall that you see *someone* who is qualified. It need not be a psychiatrist. But please do seek help. Ask BF to ask his therapist for a recommendation.

Those are my initial thoughts. Hope they help. Good luck tonight. Let us know how it goes, and how you are feeling.

-Monkey





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[Mono Vertigo]

Thanks a lot for the advice.
For clarification:
- Well, yes, that's what the antidepressants were for me. The first set more or less zombified me, the second set merely numbed me down and temporarily made me narcoleptic. Preventing me from thinking too much at that point of my life certainly helped, but I don't want to go through that again, especially not if I'm actually lucid about my situation and harmless for me or anyone else.
Which means I also would rather avoid testing different medications until we find one that suits me. If it does turn out I'm challenging the well-being of my partner, then I will make an effort and consider it again.
- My first depression came right after the sudden death of my father, when I was 17. I received a treatment and was already seeing a shrink, but my mother was already taking antidepressants (because of the death of another loved one several years before), and no matter what I'd tell her, refused to see anyone. Therefore, I remember having to manage both my depression and hers (which incidentally was often directed against me in one way or another), at a time when we should have been expected to support each other.
I know that in light of that experience, the first note in that post seems hypocritical. Maybe That's hypocrisy, indeed. But again, the difference here is that if someone feels like I should see shrink, then I will see a shrink.
- What I meant about "blaming myself" is that I'm aware it's often a symptom of depression. And right now, fortunately, I'm not doing it. I'm not there. I'm aware it's overwhelmingly due to certain circumstances, and the only fault that's mine was not taking care of some of these circumstances while I still had the motivation to do so. If I find out I'm starting to blame myself seriously, then once again, that will be a sign I'll have to see a professional.

So, the irony made it that there was a little something that I have to do, and I was motivated to do it, and I went out to do it outside to get advised directly by the sales clerks in the hopes they would be more informative than the website, but once I reached the store, well, turns out these [REDACTED] decided to temporarily close their shop on Saturday because of the massive influx of customers. Thanks for not signalling that on any related website! What little motivation I had was wasted, though no fault of my own, once again. :smallannoyed:

So right now, I'm preparing what I'll tell my boyfriend exactly.

[MonkeyBusiness]

Musashi, thanks for clarifying your situation. It seems to me that you have a great deal of insight into your self and your behavior. It's good to know that you are trying to plan ways to cope. I don't think it is hypocrisy at all to wish to avoid feeling like a zombie! I think that you had a terrible burden for anyone to bear, especially at seventeen.

I don't want what I say next to sound like pressure to go see a doctor. You seem to know when that will be necessary. But I am glad you are open to going to a doctor if things get to a certain point. That might be one thing to discuss with the boyfriend tonight. Having a plan is a useful tool when coping with severe depression. Just knowing what you will do if your depression becomes unmanageable can help you feel better.

I hope you'll keep in touch and let us know how you continue to feel.

-Monkey


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[Mono Vertigo]

Update:
had a long talk with my boyfriend (so long I can't really transcribe the content of that discussion in a short post). I'm feeling much better already. Everything went better than expected, as goes the meme.
Also, my mother tried to call me thrice this week, and I purposefully didn't answer. I should probably feel bad, except that earlier this week, she'd successfully called three times, that she does a great job at not making me feel better about anything, and therefore, that putting a distance between us both would benefit me quite a bit. Beside, if she had anything really important to tell me, she'd try to join me on my cell phone instead.
(Yes, you read well, that means she called a total of 6 times in about 8 days. Reminder: I'm 23.)
Tomorrow, once I manage to take a couple more steps toward getting a job, I'll phone her and give her the news of my advancement. Still debating whether I should tell her about my mental state; I can hear already what she'd probably say, and it's not a supportive statement.

[dehro]

(Yes, you read well, that means she called a total of 6 times in about 8 days. Reminder: I'm 23.)

I don't see the issue:smallconfused:

[Mono Vertigo]

... I thought that was a bit much, but maybe it's just me.

[dehro]

... I thought that was a bit much, but maybe it's just me.

I'm 33.. hardly a day goes by without my mother making some sort of contact..be it phone, skype or else.
I don't know you or your mother..but... could it be she worries about you even though she's crap at expressing it?

[rogueboy]

I've got to agree with dehro. I turn 25 in a month, and I still talk to my parents for at least half an hour a day, on average. Sometimes a day will go without talking, and there are days I'll spend 2+ hours talking to them. Both sides instigate it, and a lot of it is that I really do appreciate my parents' input on things, and I've got a wide range of various issues I'm trying to work through. It depends very much on your individual relationship, but don't assume that 6 calls in a week is excessive, especially when the last 3 haven't been answered; she might just be trying to play one-sided phone tag with you.

[Mono Vertigo]

Okay then, my perception of things must be skewed.

I'm 33.. hardly a day goes by without my mother making some sort of contact..be it phone, skype or else.
I don't know you or your mother..but... could it be she worries about you even though she's crap at expressing it?
That's the big issue. She worries about me, but not only she's crap at expressing it, but she puts her own worry before what I may possibly feel myself. She's not a bad person, but she's a little overwhelming (yes, even taking in account the whole phone thing). I don't particularly wish to give examples of her behaviour here and now, though. Our personalities are just becoming less and less compatible over the years, and she refuses to admit it.

[MonkeyBusiness]

... but she puts her own worry before what I may possibly feel myself.

This is why you made the right decision. Your mother must learn to cope with her own worry.

I too had a mom who called me all the time. Mothers do that. But that does not mean your perception is skewed. She is calling too often for *you*.

There is a difference between a mom who calls often because she enjoys talking to her child, and a mother who calls often because she is not adjusting well to her child's adult independence. The latter is usually not agreeable to either the child or the mother. You clearly have the latter, and there is nothing wrong with defining boundaries. Because adults do that.


I think your decision to call her later this week, when you have something positive to report, is a good one.

I'm not sure why you'd tell her about your mood, if her reaction will worsen it.

I am glad your conversation with your boyfriend went well. I am so happy for you! It's good to know he's got your back!
.

[Mono Vertigo]

You hit the nail on the head, MonkeyBusiness. (Bleh, I have trouble expressing myself properly, you're expressing my problems better than I do. Probably related to my state as well.)
She's not calling to support me particularly, or rather, in a way, she intends to support me, but in effect, because she doesn't understand me and my feelings as well as she once could, she actually crushes my motivation. We're not exchanging ideas any longer when we discuss, instead, she's the one who does the majority of the talking and wants to be reassured. When she does attempt to reassure me, she says things that are obviously false, but she won't accept my corrections. The end result is that I'm stressed, that I wonder if I'm the one who's being a misinformed moron, and that I don't want to think my mother is being a moron either. Plus, when I see her IRL, the discussion often derails somehow into politics or racism; I refuse even speaking any more politics with her anymore because it always ends in a conflict, and, well, she's much more racist than she thinks she is and has already ridiculed me for it in the past. We rarely have adult and constructive exchanges anymore.



Thanks a lot for the support, everyone. It really helps. :smallsmile:

[rogueboy]

I too had a mom who called me all the time. Mothers do that. But that does not mean your perception is skewed. She is calling too often for *you*.

There is a difference between a mom who calls often because she enjoys talking to her child, and a mother who calls often because she is not adjusting well to her child's adult independence. The latter is usually not agreeable to either the child or the mother. You clearly have the latter, and there is nothing wrong with defining boundaries. Because adults do that.

Agreed. This is definitely a big difference, and one that's important to realize so that you can have functional, if not ideal, interactions when they're desired/necessary.


You hit the nail on the head, MonkeyBusiness. (Bleh, I have trouble expressing myself properly, you're expressing my problems better than I do. Probably related to my state as well.)
She's not calling to support me particularly, or rather, in a way, she intends to support me, but in effect, because she doesn't understand me and my feelings as well as she once could, she actually crushes my motivation. We're not exchanging ideas any longer when we discuss, instead, she's the one who does the majority of the talking and wants to be reassured. When she does attempt to reassure me, she says things that are obviously false, but she won't accept my corrections. The end result is that I'm stressed, that I wonder if I'm the one who's being a misinformed moron, and that I don't want to think my mother is being a moron either. Plus, when I see her IRL, the discussion often derails somehow into politics or racism; I refuse even speaking any more politics with her anymore because it always ends in a conflict, and, well, she's much more racist than she thinks she is and has already ridiculed me for it in the past. We rarely have adult and constructive exchanges anymore.

Given that your conversations with her make things worse, limiting (if not completely eliminating) the conversations is certainly a good plan. Another idea would be to have a regular time with your mom. I know that's what my mom does with her mother (who's developed dementia recently, and can be very difficult to talk with as a result), and that helps both of them. Whether that would be helpful for you and your mom would obviously depend on your specific relationship, and so you'll have to decide that for yourself.


Thanks a lot for the support, everyone. It really helps. :smallsmile:

That's what we're here for :smallbiggrin: Glad it's helping.

[dehro]

if it is of any consolation, half the conversations I have with my mum are to try and sort out the emotional distress 100% of her conversations with my sister create.

also, and I'm going to be a bit harsh and probably entirely off the mark..but could it be that you see her talking about her worries as a slight towards your worries and issues, when instead you might entertain the notion that people should not always feel sorry for you but occasionally have their own issues to sort out too..and might feel better if you expressed some empathy towards those instead of keep the sulking all focused on yourself?

I'm sorry..but I don't have direct experience of depression and..well.. clinical states of emotional distress (which probably isn't the right way to word it).. so I tend to play devil's advocate..if nothing else, to give an alternative viewpoint to what seems to be the circular train of thought that you're trapped into.

[Nix Nihila]

if it is of any consolation, half the conversations I have with my mum are to try and sort out the emotional distress 100% of her conversations with my sister create.

also, and I'm going to be a bit harsh and probably entirely off the mark..but could it be that you see her talking about her worries as a slight towards your worries and issues, when instead you might entertain the notion that people should not always feel sorry for you but occasionally have their own issues to sort out too..and might feel better if you expressed some empathy towards those instead of keep the sulking all focused on yourself?

I'm sorry..but I don't have direct experience of depression and..well.. clinical states of emotional distress (which probably isn't the right way to word it).. so I tend to play devil's advocate..if nothing else, to give an alternative viewpoint to what seems to be the circular train of thought that you're trapped into.

I can only speak from my own experience, but I think it's less about trying to garner sympathy than it is about not wanting to feel like you have to focus your efforts on reassuring someone else while you're struggling to stay afloat.

Anyways, I'm glad that the talk with your boyfriend went well, Musashi! Keep us updated!

[Moonshadow]

Well, I'm boned. I rang up the enrollment people that I took my course with to tell them that I want to quit because I just can't handle the work. I never wanted to become a teacher in the first place. But I can't tell this to my parents.

They won't understand. My mother especially. My mother liked the idea of me becoming a teacher. She's probably told all her friends about it too. And if I tell her, she'll probably kick me out of the house. For being a failure. Because that's what I am compared to my ever so successful brother who moved out of home and has had the same boyfriend for for 3 years and manages to find work easily whenever he wants.

So I'm just going to sit here and stress about it forever now I guess while trying to find full time work again and somehow try to stop being such a ****up.

[Mono Vertigo]

I can only speak from my own experience, but I think it's less about trying to garner sympathy than it is about not wanting to feel like you have to focus your efforts on reassuring someone else while you're struggling to stay afloat.

Again, this.
My current situation is a little difficult to manage. She's worried about it, though she's only indirectly affected. She has a hard time registering that I, who's living it directly, may need reassurance as much, if no more than she does. I don't want sympathy, in fact, I would enjoy it greatly if she stopped trying so hard.

[Mindfreak]

So um...
Is it bad that I tend to be a worry-wart?
By that I mean I tend to worry about my friends a lot when I know something is wrong, or that they're making bad decisions...
And in the end, I mostly tend to have worried to much 'cause they were able to handle themselves...

[Castaras]

... I thought that was a bit much, but maybe it's just me.

Not just you. I'd be uncomfortable if while I was living on my own my parents kept calling me every day. You have your own life, you decide what you want now - if your mum is calling you too much, continue ignoring the calls unless you feel you can handle talking to her.

[The Succubus]

Well, I'm boned. I rang up the enrollment people that I took my course with to tell them that I want to quit because I just can't handle the work. I never wanted to become a teacher in the first place. But I can't tell this to my parents.

They won't understand. My mother especially. My mother liked the idea of me becoming a teacher. She's probably told all her friends about it too. And if I tell her, she'll probably kick me out of the house. For being a failure. Because that's what I am compared to my ever so successful brother who moved out of home and has had the same boyfriend for for 3 years and manages to find work easily whenever he wants.

So I'm just going to sit here and stress about it forever now I guess while trying to find full time work again and somehow try to stop being such a ****up.


Whatever your mum told her friends, that's her business and if she's wrong, she's wrong. After all, you were doing this course for your sake, not just to score her a few social pegs with her clique.

So what would you *want* to do if you were given the choice of career?

[WarKitty]

So...more school issues.

I have a paper due in 2 days. And I quite literally can't focus. I mean literally, I can sit there staring at the screen, but I just won't have anything at all to say. I'm catching myself falling asleep constantly, even though I've had enough sleep and been drinking caffeine. But I really can't afford to take another incomplete.

I don't know. I just need a break, but if I take a break I'll lose both my job and probably my chance at my degree. I'm tired, I feel like I haven't had a vacation in years. I didn't even want to come in right away, I thought this was likely to happen, but I felt like I didn't have any other choice.

[Castaras]

Have you ever done NaNoWriMo? 50,000 words in a month. One of the things they do is a "Word war" - set an amount of time (15 minutes), and try to write as many words as possible. The one who writes the most wins. Very good for writer's block.

Maybe if you could find someone who's also having to do a paper, you could attempt a similar thing? Might help you get the start you need to finish the paper. :smallsmile:

[WarKitty]

Have you ever done NaNoWriMo? 50,000 words in a month. One of the things they do is a "Word war" - set an amount of time (15 minutes), and try to write as many words as possible. The one who writes the most wins. Very good for writer's block.

Maybe if you could find someone who's also having to do a paper, you could attempt a similar thing? Might help you get the start you need to finish the paper. :smallsmile:

I can put random words on the page, but...I keep writing ideas and then having to throw them out because I can't get them into a decent shape. And this has to be a good paper, I can't afford to get below an A on anything.

[Nai_Calus]

...I just found out that my grandmother died this morning.

And all my mother is doing is blabbering about 'oh we've expected this so long blah blah blah' and not even caring.

Curse words. Just... Curse words. Frak.

[WarKitty]

...I just found out that my grandmother died this morning.

And all my mother is doing is blabbering about 'oh we've expected this so long blah blah blah' and not even caring.

Curse words. Just... Curse words. Frak.

*hugs* I'm sorry.

Just a word of advice...some people (myself included) have a sort of delayed reaction to grief. In my experience, my immediate reaction is "get everyone through this" and I can actually be extremely calm. Your mother may be one of the people that reacts that way. It doesn't indicate a lack of caring, just a different sort of response.

[Rawhide]

...I just found out that my grandmother died this morning.

And all my mother is doing is blabbering about 'oh we've expected this so long blah blah blah' and not even caring.

Curse words. Just... Curse words. Frak.

Everyone reacts differently to grief. Everyone copes in their own way. Just because she is not reacting in the same way you or certain other people do, does not mean that she doesn't care.

[Nai_Calus]

Unfortunately, given my experience with my mother, she really doesn't. All she's done the last several years is complain about my grandma and her reaction is more 'Oh well, now I won't have to hear about it from my sister anymore time to get the will figured out'. She has a near-complete lack of empathy and doesn't form any sort of real attachment to anything, which is something everyone in the family but her has noticed and can't stand in her. *sigh* She's kind of a mild psychopath. Mental health issues run in this family like crazy, sadly. :smallfrown:

[dehro]

Mental health issues run in this family like crazy
http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/22535860.jpg

[WarKitty]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stereotype_threat

So...yeah.

[Nai_Calus]

I'm confused.

[WarKitty]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stereotype_threat

So...yeah.

Trying to do a paper. On feminist ethics. As the only woman in the class. Yeah.

[Nai_Calus]

Ouch. Good luck.

[MonkeyBusiness]

Nai Calus:
I am sorry for your loss.
Let me emphasize the last two words: your loss.

What your mother's loss might be, I cannot say. It is likely, as others have pointed out, that her grief might not surface right away, and might not look like grief when it does.

But your loss is what you should concern yourself with. It sounds to me like you feel your feelings are being diminished by your mom's words. You might need to find a place, away from your mom, so you can express your feelings for your grandmother without having to hear someone say, "but we expected it" as if that makes everything okay.

When I need to grieve, I like to go be by the ocean for a while. Maybe you have a place where you like to go. Where might that be? Is there a friend who can take you there, if only for a few hours?

I'd like to hear more about your grandmother, if you would like to share that information here. It sounds to me that this has been a long, difficult process for your family, and for you.


Warkitty:

Wow ... feminist ethics! I am impressed: both at the subject and at your guts in undertaking that subject as the sole woman in class.

I get your point with the link. As a woman, and a writer, I have dealt with this myself. I don't have answers, but I do have tactics.

Every writer has an internal audience. When one is a student, part of the audience in the mind is occupied by the people who grade us, and our classmates who judge us. This is not necessarily a useful audience to have.

In your case, allowing these people into your internal audience is detrimental, because they are a critical audience. Even if in real life they might be more sympathetic than you think, this is not relevant because they have become the embodiment of your writer's block.

Last winter I had to write a paper for someone I will call Dr Mean. Dr Mean gave cruel feedback, and I found myself not only unable to write, but wondering why I was in the program. But then I realized my professor from the previous semester, Dr Worthy, had been encouraging. I went and dug out all my papers for her class and re-read them, along with her comments.

Then I returned to my essay for Dr Mean's class .... and I pretended I was writing for Dr Worthy. Whenever I wondered what Dr Mean would think, I redirected my thoughts to Dr Worthy. I imagined her smile, her serious look when I asked a question, her tone of voice. I had imaginary conversations with her about the paper whever I got stuck. Having an "audience" I respected and felt respected me made a huge difference. It was not easy to write that paper ... but imagining a positive and supportive audience (embodied by Dr Worthy)made it possible.

And I got an "A".

I don't know if this will work for you, but it can't hurt to try.


I will add that your topic is worthy and important.


.

[rogueboy]

...I just found out that my grandmother died this morning.

And all my mother is doing is blabbering about 'oh we've expected this so long blah blah blah' and not even caring.

Curse words. Just... Curse words. Frak.


Unfortunately, given my experience with my mother, she really doesn't. All she's done the last several years is complain about my grandma and her reaction is more 'Oh well, now I won't have to hear about it from my sister anymore time to get the will figured out'. She has a near-complete lack of empathy and doesn't form any sort of real attachment to anything, which is something everyone in the family but her has noticed and can't stand in her. *sigh* She's kind of a mild psychopath. Mental health issues run in this family like crazy, sadly. :smallfrown:

I'm going to respond to a fair amount of what I think you're saying here, but it may be somewhat rambling, so bear with me.

3.5 years ago, I dealt with a similar loss. My grandfather passed away, and my dad (it was his father who died) told me about it at about 10 at night. I cried myself to sleep that night. (Crying is very rare for me - I can't remember the last time I cried aside from that night). It wasn't entirely surprising; he'd been diagnosed with Parkinson's 20-25 years earlier, and had spent the last 5 years or so almost completely debilitated by it, to the point that he required a wheelchair and a full-time 'assistant' to help him with everything he wanted or had to do. And a year before he passed, I (with my family) had visited him in Israel (where he and my grandmother have lived since before I was born). While we were there, he stopped eating, got incredibly dehydrated/malnourished, and wound up with fairly severe hypothermia while in the hospital for the other issues. No one (us, other family, doctors, my grandmother...) thought he was going to leave the hospital. As I suggested, however, he recovered, returned home, and then passed away semi-unexpectedly (no lead-up that I was aware of, at the least) a year afterwards. Unfortunately, I had an exam the next night, which I couldn't move. What got me out of being depressed was a stupid, completely unrelated text from my best friend (who had no idea what I was going through, since I hadn't told anyone).

My point is this: do what you have to in order to keep yourself functioning, at least enough to take care of yourself. Something will snap you out of it. Whether you'll end up with that being as soon after the fact as mine was (~24 hours) or not, I obviously can't say. It was a stupid coincidence that helped me. But make yourself your priority, and try to do things that will put you in a good mood. If that means taking a break from talking with your mom, then do that. If it means spending a few days by yourself at home, then do that. And if it means going out and having drinks with friends, whether specifically for this purpose or not, then do that.

As to the "well, he'd been sick, and at least it's over now" approach that your mother is taking, I have second-hand experience in dealing with that, through a friend and coworker of mine. Her grandfather (also overseas, for whatever that means or doesn't) has been in and out of the hospital repeatedly, with various different ailments, and has been told that he's unlikely to leave the hospital on at least 3 occasions. My friend has traveled to Germany (3 days of flying, round trip) in order to be there when he passed, only to have him not get better or worse while she was there, and then recover once she returned. (We're in grad school, so vacations are sharply limited.) Her mother (along with the other children) began hoping that he'd pass away so that the yo-yo effect could just end after the second hospital stay, while it took until the 3rd for my friend to join them. My point is this: depending on how hard the lead-up has been on her, your mother's cynical reaction to your grandmother's passing may be entirely understandable. A "we knew it was coming" death can hit different people differently, depending on how the "it's coming" phase affected each person.

tl;dr: If your mother's response is causing you stress, limit your contact with her. And do things for yourself to help you cope; you know best what those might be.

If you think it might help, and you're comfortable sharing here, feel free to share more about your grandmother. If you're not comfortable sharing publicly, my inbox is open. Or just write a letter to no one about your grandmother if that's all you're comfortable doing.

[The Succubus]

I'm not really looking for advice but just a place to whine self-indulgently for a second.

Do you ever worry that you're going to be alone when you're older? My two closest friends are moving away soon to other countries, my twin sister has already gotten married and is expecting a kid in September and my older brother is due to get married next year.

And then there's me. A 30 year old guy that's split up with his first and only gf of 2 years (who, additionally, has barely said two words to me since we broke up), a guy whose social circle is pretty much entirely work colleagues now (most of whom are 20 years older than me and not particularly good company outside of work) and the only current ray of sunshine in my personal life is the infrequent meet-ups with other UK Playgrounders. It also seems like most of the women in my life are either married/expecting kids or not interested in anything further.

I know how to fix all this stuff - sign up with a dating website, try evening classes with stuff I find interesting, etc. It's just....a little depressing at the moment, coming back to an empty flat each evening alone. I've done it for the past 12 years, so there's no risk of me doing anything really stupid but....:smallsigh:.

I'm sure it'll pass though. I usually try to find a way to keep myself distracted.

[dehro]

I'm not really looking for advice but just a place to whine self-indulgently for a second.

Do you ever worry that you're going to be alone when you're older? My two closest friends are moving away soon to other countries, my twin sister has already gotten married and is expecting a kid in September and my older brother is due to get married next year.

And then there's me. A 30 year old guy that's split up with his first and only gf of 2 years (who, additionally, has barely said two words to me since we broke up), a guy whose social circle is pretty much entirely work colleagues now (most of whom are 20 years older than me and not particularly good company outside of work) and the only current ray of sunshine in my personal life is the infrequent meet-ups with other UK Playgrounders. It also seems like most of the women in my life are either married/expecting kids or not interested in anything further.

I know how to fix all this stuff - sign up with a dating website, try evening classes with stuff I find interesting, etc. It's just....a little depressing at the moment, coming back to an empty flat each evening alone. I've done it for the past 12 years, so there's no risk of me doing anything really stupid but....:smallsigh:.

I'm sure it'll pass though. I usually try to find a way to keep myself distracted.

I'm pretty much where you're at now.
and I'm 33.. 34 in less than a month

moved a few times, even abroad for 3 years that now feel wasted, despite the friends made, fun had and things learned... started over a few times workwise, with the added disadvantage that my profession doesn't really allow for the creation of a social life. My best friend is 2 years younger and getting married, my younger sister has a husband and a child (the other siblings are younger still and not quite there yet).
Haven't had a steady girlfriend in..too long to mention without souring my good mood..(think double digits) and I have no prospect of having a girlfriend any time soon...
in fact, I haven't had any kind of relationship with a girl in the last 12 months... which is even more depressing.. a man can only watch so much porn before it gets boring:smallamused:

I call myself lucky if I go out with friends once or twice a month..despite, or maybe partially because, of traveling a lot for work.
worse still.. I see very little prospect for improvement right now, on the social front.. money. living quarters, time, all being factors playing against me at this juncture.
it's annoying to think that I always thought I'd have achieved a few things by the time I turned 35..and I'm lightyears away from all of those things.

my father had me (the oldest of his 4 kids) when he turned 36..and he's done pretty well for himself since..so I'm not really desperate.. but it is disheartening to think that by the time I will turn 36 I will probably still be in the current rut I'm in now.

so..yeah..I know what you mean

[roguemetal]

Trying to do a paper. On feminist ethics. As the only woman in the class. Yeah.

If you have to present an argument to the class this is difficult, if it is for professor's eyes only, you shouldn't worry. If in fact it is shot down by the guys, or refuted and feels threatening, it easily enforces most of the research you should be doing, whether in opposition or congruence. Following scientific notation (I'm unfamiliar with social sciences, I have my degree in computer science) you should be able to cite sources in-line, which will help genuinely. Most scientific papers are all about research, whether social or not, and factual development, e.g. plenty of examples and past arguments for the same subject should help considerably. I used to go over most paper maximums by about a third and had to cut down based on this method, and it is much easier to edit than directly construct.

If you're exhausted, I suggest coffee. No, not caffeine, coffee specifically, unless you don't drink it in general.
Low sugar diet right now will help you, as will low fat. You will need to be able to stay still, and if your body is trying to burn energy, you won't be in good shape to concentrate. Some people recommend energy drinks, this is decent for studying, not for active memory recall. I also suggest disabling the internet and closing yourself off to the world if you need to remove distractions.

[smellie_hippie]

So yeah....... :smallsigh:

Today. Today seem a little bit too heavy.

Not sure I want to actually start, since it is still "today". venting here might make me feel a little better, but it's not going to address the fact that I am drowning in work and such.

Just wanted to come by and say "today sucks"... and I feel that should mean a lot since a) I don't frequently post here and b) I am a therapist, and should be helping other people with these feelings...

Alrighty, back to it. Maybe more details later.

[MonkeyBusiness]

Succubus:

Yes, I worry about being alone when I get older.

Right now I am content to be single because my marriage was so wretchedly lonely for so long that being authentically alone feels good by comparison. But I am also in a state of transition: I don't live near any of my close friends, and am still making new friends in my new home. Most of the time I am fine, but now and then the effort to find a friend to just kick back with is frustrating.

Knowing this is a state of transition helps. But it does get old, doesn't it?


Smellie Hippie:

I'm sorry you have to deal with heavy issues today. I know what you mean .... It's hard to ask for help when one is a Helper by nature and training. An additional issue I have had is that even when I can bring myself to switch roles and to ask for help, often it goes unacknowledged. It's not that people are uncaring ... it's just that even if I am very clear that I need support or sympathy from others, because they aren't used to hearing that from me ... they don't hear it. Does that ever happen to you?

I hope things ease up. And I hope you'll share what happened. As you say, it's good to have a place to vent. Also, in case it's escaped your notice, you're well-loved on this forum, and people are interested in what happens in your life. So don't keep us all in suspense, okay?

-Monkey



.

[WarKitty]

If you have to present an argument to the class this is difficult, if it is for professor's eyes only, you shouldn't worry. If in fact it is shot down by the guys, or refuted and feels threatening, it easily enforces most of the research you should be doing, whether in opposition or congruence. Following scientific notation (I'm unfamiliar with social sciences, I have my degree in computer science) you should be able to cite sources in-line, which will help genuinely. Most scientific papers are all about research, whether social or not, and factual development, e.g. plenty of examples and past arguments for the same subject should help considerably. I used to go over most paper maximums by about a third and had to cut down based on this method, and it is much easier to edit than directly construct.

If you're exhausted, I suggest coffee. No, not caffeine, coffee specifically, unless you don't drink it in general.
Low sugar diet right now will help you, as will low fat. You will need to be able to stay still, and if your body is trying to burn energy, you won't be in good shape to concentrate. Some people recommend energy drinks, this is decent for studying, not for active memory recall. I also suggest disabling the internet and closing yourself off to the world if you need to remove distractions.

First, forgive me for snickering, but...low fat? low sugar? For work? You obviously do not have my metabolism...

Unfortunately I'm in philosophy, which means there's little "hard facts" that I can present. And almost all the past research and arguments are against me - that's the cost of doing feminist anything in an old discipline. The frustration is more that I'm in an area that still has a lot of the mentality that feminine and academic are opposed. They won't hold to the view that being female is less academic, but a lot of traditionally feminine characteristics are devalued - especially when it comes to how emotions and relationships are handled. I'm basically challenging the way ethics has traditionally been done as fetishizing a notion of objectivity that privileges both a more traditionally masculine approach, and an approach that reinforces the position of those in power as "neutral" or "unbiased."

[Alarra]

Oh no! Sounds like my Hippie is in need of emergency hugs! If you can hold on for 16 hours we'll come over and give you some. :smallbiggrin:

Or, if nothing else, we can sit around tomorrow and complain at each other about how overwhelming our jobs have become. Sound like a plan?

[Story Time]

And all my mother is doing is blabbering about 'oh we've expected this so long blah blah blah' and not even caring.

...I've been going through some-thing kind of similar lately. So please accept my sympathies.

[prufock]

Do you ever worry that you're going to be alone when you're older?

A little. As you get older it becomes more difficult to meet people and make friends. Right now I have a small circle of friends and family and a slightly wider circle of acquaintances. As time goes on, more and more friends are moving away, getting married, having kids, getting new jobs. I'm single, have been for a few years, and have only even dated one woman in the intervening time. And it's not like I have any prospects or even interest at the moment. Maybe worst of all, I feel that it isn't going to get any better. I'm 31, and it's not like I'm going to get any more attractive as I get older.


At 17 had a better dream
Now i'm 33 and it isn't me
But i'd think of something better if i could
All my friends and lovers leave me behind
I'm still looking for a girl

[MonkeyBusiness]

Come join my pity party.

I am supposed to be on vacation. Took time off work and made plans to visit my pals and friends between DC & Boston. Was going to bring the dog. Lake swimming and family reunions, and beer were on the agenda. Fun times.

Am I on vacation. No. I am not. I got sick. I am at home.

But wait, there is more.

Last night a huge storm hit. I wrangled all the pets, and we went and sat in the basement for a while. This morning, there is a tree down (missed thehouse by about two feet) and zero power. It's already getting hot and muggy.

I am a grumpy monkey. It could be worse, I admit. The toilets still flush (some counties have a water restriction on top of everything else) and the house and pets are fine.

But this is not the vacation I envisioned.

*pouts*


.

[WarKitty]

Come join my pity party.

I am supposed to be on vacation. Took time off work and made plans to visit my pals and friends between DC & Boston. Was going to bring the dog. Lake swimming and family reunions, and beer were on the agenda. Fun times.

Am I on vacation. No. I am not. I got sick. I am at home.

But wait, there is more.

Last night a huge storm hit. I wrangled all the pets, and we went and sat in the basement for a while. This morning, there is a tree down (missed thehouse by about two feet) and zero power. It's already getting hot and muggy.

I am a grumpy monkey. It could be worse, I admit. The toilets still flush (some counties have a water restriction on top of everything else) and the house and pets are fine.

But this is not the vacation I envisioned.

*pouts*


.

Wow that sucks. I don't have anything really brilliant to say, so here's a picture of a kitten petting a monkey:

http://wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net/80450F/thefw.com/files/2012/03/baby-monkey-kitten.jpg

[The Succubus]

Come join my pity party.

I am supposed to be on vacation. Took time off work and made plans to visit my pals and friends between DC & Boston. Was going to bring the dog. Lake swimming and family reunions, and beer were on the agenda. Fun times.

Am I on vacation. No. I am not. I got sick. I am at home.

But wait, there is more.

Last night a huge storm hit. I wrangled all the pets, and we went and sat in the basement for a while. This morning, there is a tree down (missed thehouse by about two feet) and zero power. It's already getting hot and muggy.

I am a grumpy monkey. It could be worse, I admit. The toilets still flush (some counties have a water restriction on top of everything else) and the house and pets are fine.

But this is not the vacation I envisioned.

*pouts*


.

*cuddles* Hope you get better soon hun.

[blackfox]

*evilweather*Yuck! Sounds like this is the same storm that hit my family (central Virginia). Dunno what to do about the bluhs and the boreds, but I'll tell you the same thing I told my mother about the heat: Go to whatever grocery store still has power and ice. Get one of those big bags of ice, and get a five-gallon bucket. Put the bag of ice in the bucket, and put it in a smallish room with you. Water has a ridiculously high specific heat (it takes a lot of energy to increase its temperature) so a largish volume of ice will actually cool a room significantly.

I'm assuming you're only miserable-sick, and not bedridden-sick, since you posted this from somewhere, and there's no power at your house.

Although come to think of it most people have smartphones. Dunno, man.

Feel better soon, and best of luck.

[THAC0]

This is day two of a sudden heatwave. We jumped from temps in the low eighties to 110. I got heat exhaustion today and lost all three of my chickens. I'm beating myself up with "what ifs..." What if I'd tried this or that, or come home a few hours early or or or.

[MonkeyBusiness]

Thanks for all the warm fuzzies, people. Warkitty's warm fuzzy picture made me smile out loud, so that helped.

Thanks also for the get-well wishes, Succubus. I too wish I might get well soon ... and stay that way. This is the third time this year I have cancelled travel plans at the last minute due to illness. I know exactly why I keep getting sick: I work with kids in a swimming pool. I knew when I accepted this job that it would take a while for my immune system to adjust ....but it seems harder than it has been in the past. Is that because I am older, and more vulnerable? Is it because working in a swimming pool makes a whole new soupy environment for infection? Or some other reason? Or some combination? At any rate, I have been thinking of looking for new work, in spite of enjoying this job, which also pays well and allows me a huge amount of time for working on my writing.

My writing also suffers when I get sick. I do my best to keep up with the schedule I have imposed on myself (six hours a day, plus two of intensive reading) but when one is blowing her nose or coughing her head off, it is hard to do.

Blackfox, thanks for the good advice about ice. What is funny is I knew that trick: in fact, I've used it in the past when I had a frail, elderly pet in an unairconditioned house during a heat wave. He was a very old bunny, and I filled empty plastic soda bottles (the big liter-sized one) with water and froze 'em, then put Old Bunny and the bottles together in the bathroom, along with an electric fan. He was the happiest person in the house that week!

I wish there was someone who could take care of me the way I take care of my pets.

The electricity here came on in the afternoon, then went off again for no appearant reason, then just now came back on. Perhaps it has PMS. Who knows? So I was not without power all day, and probably won't have to throw the entire contents of the freezer away. (Although I did eat about a pint of tropical fruit sorbet this morning ... one of the perks of an outage, I guess.)

I did take myself out this morning, to try to find coffee and to get a connection on my cell phone, and that was when I made my first post. The local caffè had no power, but the intrepid owner set up a camp stove, ground coffee beans with a rolling pin, and served coffee from the hand press. Good stuff. It was nice to sit in the shade, with a breeze, and enjoy the "postapocalyptic bonhomie" of a neighborhood that's had an inconvenient (but not disabling or deadly) brush with an angry Mother Nature. But I did have to go home, and the day has been a bit lonely ... especially when I think about my cousins at the family reunion (happening right now). I try not to think about that.

[/whining] Thanks for letting me get it off my chest, people.

-Monkey






.

[sparkyinbozo]

I've had a messed up week going on here, could use a little support; I feel like I'm a little tapped out atm. I found out one of my oldest friends is having debilitating panic attacks from stuff that happened to her as a kid, and learned a coworker tried to kill herself last night.

On top of (or superseded by) all of that, my b/f and I decided to take time apart due to not getting along well for a number of reasons. I'm feeling a bit tapped out for support, and that I don't have much more to give, let alone deal with my own stuff.

[MonkeyBusiness]

Thaco, I just saw your post. I am so sorry to hear about your chickies! It is so hard to lose a pet, but there is no pain that cannot be made worse by wondering ... @was it my fault? Did I miss something?"

We do the best we can to care for our pets. Sometimes our best isn't enough. That you yourself suffered from heat stroke tells me there really wasn't anything you could have done differently.

My deepest condolences to you. How terrible to lose all three of your pets. Please take care of yourself. Let us know how you are doing, okay?

Sparky, It sounds to me that you really do have quite a lot to cope with ... not only your relationship on hiatus, but the effort of caring for others who are also going through a tough time.

You have my sympathy, friend. I suggest that in times like this, a good tactic is to go to the movies.

I recommend the movies because it is a way of being with a friend without having to give too much sympathy. Also, if you are in the heat wave with the rest of us, movie theaters are blessedly cool. You and your friend can have the mutal support of each others' company, without having to say much. And movies offer a little escape .... which is not a bad thing at a time of stress.

You can combine the movie with a chat, if you are up to it. But I recommend that that happen before the movie, so it is limited, and that you have an "appointment" to keep after the movie, so you are not expected to linger indefinitely.


-Monkey.

[blackfox]

Blackfox, thanks for the good advice about ice. What is funny is I knew that trick: in fact, I've used it in the past when I had a frail, elderly pet in an unairconditioned house during a heat wave. He was a very old bunny, and I filled empty plastic soda bottles (the big liter-sized one) with water and froze 'em, then put Old Bunny and the bottles together in the bathroom, along with an electric fan. He was the happiest person in the house that week!Sounds like he was very well loved :smallsmile:


I did take myself out this morning, to try to find coffee and to get a connection on my cell phone, and that was when I made my first post. The local caffè had no power, but the intrepid owner set up a camp stove, ground coffee beans with a rolling pin, and served coffee from the hand press. Good stuff. It was nice to sit in the shade, with a breeze, and enjoy the "postapocalyptic bonhomie" of a neighborhood that's had an inconvenient (but not disabling or deadly) brush with an angry Mother Nature. But I did have to go home, and the day has been a bit lonely ... especially when I think about my cousins at the family reunion (happening right now). I try not to think about that.'Intrepid' is a great word there. The owner sounds like a pretty cool dude.

[The Succubus]

Thanks also for the get-well wishes, Succubus. I too wish I might get well soon ... and stay that way. This is the third time this year I have cancelled travel plans at the last minute due to illness. I know exactly why I keep getting sick: I work with kids in a swimming pool. I knew when I accepted this job that it would take a while for my immune system to adjust ....but it seems harder than it has been in the past. Is that because I am older, and more vulnerable? Is it because working in a swimming pool makes a whole new soupy environment for infection? Or some other reason? Or some combination? At any rate, I have been thinking of looking for new work, in spite of enjoying this job, which also pays well and allows me a huge amount of time for working on my writing.

.

I do know that a lot of folks get ear infections from swimming, so the chlorine in the pool isn't always 100% effective. Kids tend to be walking germ factories in my experience as well. :smallyuk: I doubt your age is the prime cause - besides, you're not what I would call "old", not by any means.

I like your idea about the frozen water bottles to keep pets cool but I've no ideas about how to convert it into a human friendly form. Given that I really loathe hot weather though, I think I'll make it my research project for the summer. :smallcool:

[Moonshadow]

You just use those water cooler type bottles instead. Bigger bottles for bigger bodies.

[THAC0]

Thaco, I just saw your post. I am so sorry to hear about your chickies! It is so hard to lose a pet, but there is no pain that cannot be made worse by wondering ... @was it my fault? Did I miss something?"

We do the best we can to care for our pets. Sometimes our best isn't enough. That you yourself suffered from heat stroke tells me there really wasn't anything you could have done differently.

My deepest condolences to you. How terrible to lose all three of your pets. Please take care of yourself. Let us know how you are doing, okay?



Thank you. I spent yesterday recovering and am feeling much better now. Several other people lost chickens in this heat, so it wasn't just me. I've also learned about how to close off my shower so if I get more hens and if it gets this hot again I can bring them inside to the air conditioning.

[CoffeeIncluded]

So I tried to tell my brother about the pokemon vietnamese crystal hack and it ended with him demanding payment every time I use the xbox and threatening to break my computer. I hate my family.

[WarKitty]

*hugs coffee*

So, I'm looking for volunteers. Every time someone says something like "Everyone feels tired/sad/stressed/nervous sometimes!" in a mental health conversation, I'd like a squad of people to show up and take them off for a week of mandatory training on mental illness. Any takers?

[blackfox]

*hugs coffee*

So, I'm looking for volunteers. Every time someone says something like "Everyone feels tired/sad/stressed/nervous sometimes!" in a mental health conversation, I'd like a squad of people to show up and take them off for a week of mandatory training on mental illness. Any takers?I can be the one that does the heavy lifting, but my Use Straitjacket modifier is pretty low.

[Cobra_Ikari]

I volunteer! =D

...assuming I'm not too depressed to move, of course. =3

[rogueboy]

I'm in, on one condition: I get to be as abusive as I see fit. How abusive that is will depend on what they said, how they said it, and a variety of other factors (including how much I feel like hitting someone), but it'll only mostly be arbitrary.

[Mono Vertigo]

*hugs coffee*

So, I'm looking for volunteers. Every time someone says something like "Everyone feels tired/sad/stressed/nervous sometimes!" in a mental health conversation, I'd like a squad of people to show up and take them off for a week of mandatory training on mental illness. Any takers?
*raises hand*
*raises both hands*
*flails wildly with both hands in the air*