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eulmanis12
2012-04-29, 10:37 AM
I'm looking for some good D&D insults that my charecter can use. Since he in theory hates/distrusts everyone in the D&D universe on general principal
they can be against any standard D&D race or class. Jokes, nicknames, etc. are all acceptable.

Examples.

Elves are great to have at parties, Stand em in the corner and they make a decent coat rack.

Not all halflings are bad athletes, I knew this one who was at the center of attention in every game, course he ended up in the net a whole lot.

Why do all elves become wizards? The hat compliments the ears.

Who says anything about dwarves being slow, I saw one of them cross 40 miles in half a day when the Inn offered a 2 for 1 special.

Winter
2012-04-29, 10:52 AM
"You fight like a dairy farmer!"

Ravens_cry
2012-04-29, 11:15 AM
"You fight like a dairy farmer!"
"Well you fight like a cow!"
***
"Call the undertaker, if you're lucky you'll get a bulk rate."
"Some say you are a serious fellow, but I call you grave."

Gemini Lupus
2012-04-29, 11:23 AM
There was a thread about this very topic a year or two ago that I thought I had bookmarked...ah well. I'm sure someone else will see this thread and have it bookmarked. :smallbiggrin:

In my old gaming group, we decided that the names of the iconic characters were actually racial insults in the same vein as Paco, Tanto, or Mic. So if you called a Dwarf Tordek, that would imply that you don't care enough to learn his actual name.

Also some generic insults for races:
Dwarf: Say something about them being beardless, call them glorified halflings, insult their fathers.
Elf: Call them bow-carrying cowards, no better than a drow, and nature loving hippies or some such similar word.
Halfling: Call them a hobbit, kender, or some such or refer to them all as thieves.

Man on Fire
2012-04-29, 02:21 PM
"How do I know all elves are easy? Have you ever heard of half-gnome?"

"I'm madder than a half-orc on father's day."

Notreallyhere77
2012-04-29, 06:07 PM
Never call a goblin (or goblinoid) an "onion-peeler." It's fighting words. Don't aske them to explain it, either. Just don't bring it up unless you want them to fly into a rage and attack you.

Jay R
2012-04-30, 09:27 AM
In the middle of a Flashing Blades, duel, my character told his opponent, "Your fighting style combines the elegance of a plow horse with the killer instinct of a milk cow."

In a discussion of what our D&D party should do, I disagreed with one member by saying, "Yeah, well, that's because you're a paladin, sworn to do what's lawful. The rest of us are free to do what's right."

newBlazingAngel
2012-05-27, 12:29 AM
Accuse a wizard of being any magic user but a wizard.

Call clerics heretics

Accuse kords followers of wimpiness

Insult a bards anything.

Laugh at barbarians weapons

Collapse on the floor laughing at a fighters skills.

Burn trees in front of druids.

Tell a ranger he's underpowered

Ask a dragon how it could stand to mate with a human

Declare your allegiance to the mighty god pun pun, by taking a dump on the altar of every god.

navar100
2012-05-27, 12:34 AM
To a dragon, beholder, vampire, or any great magical, fantastic creature:

"Your mother was a spell component!"

Yora
2012-05-27, 04:11 AM
"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

:smallamused:

Ravens_cry
2012-05-27, 05:34 AM
To a dragon, beholder, vampire, or any great magical, fantastic creature:

"Your mother was a spell component!"
"You're going to be a dietary component!"
"I would contact your mother, there is about to be a death in the family."

Cespenar
2012-05-27, 06:47 AM
"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

:smallamused:

In most tables, they would fine you for a Monty Python reference, you know.

Yora
2012-05-27, 06:50 AM
"It's Not a Gaming Session Until Someone Quotes Monty Python."

NikitaDarkstar
2012-05-27, 12:09 PM
Dragons are a given: "You over-glorified lizard!" (make sure you're immune to whatever it's breath attack is first.)

A half dragon or lizardman you clearly got "Your mother was a kobold." (For a dragon you can switch it to "mother/father of kobolds." again make sure about breath weapon immunity.)

"You got the manners of a toad." is nice and generic. Very easy to use against the barbarian.

"You smell like a wet dog." For the lycantrope or gnoll.

A nice and simple "Treehugger." covers both elfs and druids.

"Silly boys in their silly robes. Real men wears armor!" Clearly for the wizards.. and if you're a well armored class.

"Sir Clankalot." (Do I even need to explain this one?)

"Son of a gully dwarf!" (Extremely hurtful towards dwarfs... requires a certain familiarity of Dragonlance though.)

Oh and for random insults to throw at random people? Look at this generator, it's pretty neat. http://www.btinternet.com/~rpottinger/curse.htm

newBlazingAngel
2012-05-27, 01:25 PM
"Your racial adjustments are sub par."

"It was a poor decision to choose charisma as your dump stat"

"Your player should have given you a few more intelligence points."

"YOU'RE, the best the DM could do?"

"Stop acting like an NPC."

Runeward
2012-05-27, 03:05 PM
There was this old anime called Bastard!! that constantly broke the fourth wall with insults like that. Things like, "You buffoon! How could you possibly think you could defeat the charismatic main character?" or "I'm going to kill you off camera!" It had just the right level of comic-hackery to accompany the tone of the anime.

Othesemo
2012-05-27, 03:08 PM
You have all the grace of an antelope. A pregnant antelope, but an antelope nonetheless.

jaybird
2012-05-27, 03:19 PM
You...big...stupid...JELLYFISH!

randomhero00
2012-05-27, 03:24 PM
"If I called you ugly as an ogre, that'd be a compliment!"

"You're as dumb as an orc, as lame as a gnome, and as dainty as a elf!!"

Flame of Anor
2012-05-27, 10:39 PM
For a stone giant:

"Mangura bok woklok!"

Man on Fire
2012-05-27, 11:00 PM
Treat all Elves as women and refuse to acknowledge there are male elves. Even if you ends up sleeping with one, next day claim he's really a girl.

Question Drow society's logic behind worshipping spiders and hating Driders.

From now on Paladin's alignment is Lawful Anal.

Archpaladin Zousha
2012-05-28, 12:50 AM
”Gods help me, that is perhaps the most insightful, ingenious morsel of advice to bless my ears in all the years I’ve labored in this field of would-be divas and porcelain kings!!! How in the name of Asmodeus are you not an advisor to Queen Abrogail herself!?! You’re input is like the scintillating colors of dawn illuminating my dim and feeble world. It is as if I’ve been a timid ignorant, afraid and searching in the dark, just fumbling my way through this mystery of life. . . . . . . Truly! I mean truly! Will you think before muttering your inane nonsensical dribble!! I need actors, entertainers who will listen to instruction, not self-delusional, mind-numbing, ill-bred, pox-ridden, debutantes! Now read your lines like a well trained dog, or I’ll pull another lice infested vagrant from the street to replace you. And by the way, clamp that stencheous fissure you call a mouth while I’m within five paces of you? At least on stage the audience won’t be able to catch wind of your intolerable breath, let alone see the travesty of your gaping maw.” -- Gray, over at the Paizo forums.

Murray
2012-05-28, 01:56 AM
"Nice Rage there, Captain Zoloft,"

"Too bad your INTelligence score didn't come with Fast Movement, too."

"Just how many more wands of enfeeblement do you have up your--"

"Hey Sorceress! I hear you're great at going the distance, but you lack imagination when it comes to performance."

"If you were actually any good at being a cleric, you could just convert our enemies, but NUUUU! You have to get your holy war on."

Also, never pass up an opportunity to insult someone based off of their nationality and/or origin: "Thieving Sembians," "Do you Cormyrians cook anything that doesn't taste like purple dragon dung?" "I know you live underground, but does anyone even wear that anymore?"

And if you're playing an elf, refer to humans as "You damn, dirty apes!", including the human PCs. Especially the human PCs.
*ahem* ...not that I would EVER sink to a position to use any such language, even in-game. :smallwink:

I'm sure looking up traditional Shakespearean insults would be a great place to start. :smallsmile:

Doorhandle
2012-05-28, 05:34 AM
"Do you Cormyrians cook anything that doesn't taste like purple dragon dung?"

"I dunno, do you eat anything that isn't purple dragon dung?"

Alos, seconding shakespeare. "You bull's pizzle!"

Jay R
2012-05-28, 11:48 AM
Also, never pass up an opportunity to insult someone based off of their nationality and/or origin: "Do you Cormyrians cook anything that doesn't taste like purple dragon dung?"

"I have no idea. I've never tasted purple dragon du... Wait. You can distinguish the tastes of various kinds of dragon dung?"

Archpaladin Zousha
2012-05-28, 12:49 PM
Here are more from the Paizo boards, courtesy of Deidre Tiriel:


Someday you'll find yourself, and will you be disappointed.

I'd like to say I'm glad you’re here; I'd like to say it.

Someday you'll go far, and I hope you stay there.

You have an open mind, and a mouth to match.

You have such a big mouth; you could eat a banana sideways.

Are you always this stupid, or are you making a special effort today?

Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want to be a good actor?

You are a wickedly obtuse oaf and a flaccid, soul-destroying tainted spawn of a syphilitic swamp hog.

You are a cruelly reprehensible rogue and a naive, gossip-mongering pimple on the face of beauty.

You are a precociously gluttonous sycophant and a preposterous, mattress-soiling obfuscation of all that is good.

You are a monstrously foolish blackguard and a hopeless, mucous-eating pulp of stultifying inanity.

You are an unconscionably incorrigible glutton and a dastardly, odiously suffocating piece of excrement attached to a dog's posterior.

You are a conspicuously boorish contemptible delinquent and a maniacal, orgasm faking tasteless amalgam of dross, drivel and malarkey.

You are a lamentably sybaritic swine and a primitive, coma-inducing mean-spirited poltroon.

You are a confoundedly lecherous lecher and a debauched, buttock-rimming aberration of nature.

You are a grievously pedestrian parasite and a demented, blood-freezing malfunctioning little twerp.

You are a grievously perverted peon and a deplorable, Pesh-addicted glob of grease.

You are a precociously gluttonous sycophant and a primitive, chronically flatulent conglomerate of intellectual constipation.

You are an unequivocally ignominious heathen and a vapid, feeble-minded parasite on the state's recourses.

You are an outrageously hideous derelict and a reprehensible, simple-minded sub-literate simpleton.

You are a lamentably subliterate subhuman and a primitive, coma-inducing molester of small furry animals.

You are an unconscionably incompetent fiend and a revolting, air-polluting arbitrary dereliction of genetics.

You are an unutterably demented mouth breather and a narcissistic, urine-reeking display of indecency.

You are an outrageously ignorant dolt and a reprehensible, simple-minded mediocrity afflicted with mental retardation.

You are an incalculably insignificant imbecile and a decrepit, nostril-offending cause of nightmares in small children.

You are a monstrously foolish barbarian and a hopeless, mucous-eating mass of existential impotence.

You are an irredeemably insufferable dullard and a loathsome, disease-ridden inflictor of misery on all who cross your path.

You are an unconscionably incompetent fiend and a revolting, air-polluting arbitrary dereliction of genetics.

You are a devilishly myopic moron and a feculent, irredeemably boring plotless melodrama of uneventful life.

You are an unequivocally inept heathen and a vacuous, maliciously malodorous buggering bum bandit.

You are a wickedly naive narcissist and a fiendish, blood-curdling festering boil on the butt of humanity.

You are an unutterably debauched misdemeanant and a myopic, all-befouling personification of vulgarity.

You are a grievously pedestrian parasite and a deplorable, Pesh-addicted deplorable calamity of birth.

You are a devilishly miserable miscreant and a malingering, sock-sucking lamentable mistake by your parents.

You are an unequivocally inept half-wit and a vacuous, maliciously malodorous proof that Pharasma has a disturbed sense of humor.

You are an unconscionably indecent glutton and a dastardly, odiously suffocating spawn of a whore and a thousand maniacs.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Your beliefs are superficial and your culture is substandard.

Your breath is like the wind of an ox. Your last meal was of suspect quality.

Tyndmyr
2012-05-28, 01:31 PM
I prefer the simple, elegant slurs myself. Divine casters are called Spellbeggers by my wizard. He also has an unaccountable lisp that makes him pronounce "halfling" as "half-man".

Gnomes? He's short with them.

Elves? Oh, it's endless. "I need a piercing weapon, lad, lend me your ear!" *accidentally* confusing them with the drow is also always good for a laugh.

In short, long strings of insults are just verbose. The best insults leave them unable to properly respond and can be worked into casual conversation, leaving them sputtering inpotently while you've continued along your way.

Man on Fire
2012-05-28, 03:43 PM
At random moments, when making any sort of insult, turn to another party member and add "no offense" like if what you just said was racial slur.

TechnoScrabble
2012-05-28, 05:06 PM
"So filthy I could find you in a beard!"

"I've met elves with a larger set than you!"

Jay R
2012-05-29, 08:06 AM
Don't forget that, with close friends, the insults aren't necessarily intended to be insulting, just social interaction. One of the best examples can be found in Reaper Man, by Terry Pratchett, when the high priest and the highest level wizard meet.

"So ... how are things in the godbothering business?" said Ridcully.
"We do our humble best. How is the dangerous meddling in things man was not meant to understand?
"Pretty fair, pretty fair."

Rogue Shadows
2012-05-29, 08:12 AM
Doesn't quite fit your criteria, but maybe someone can use this for a bad guy someday. This is pretty much the worst thing you can ever say to anyone:

Die, naked and alone, despised by everyone whom you have ever loved.

Not an insult so much as wishful thinking on the sayer's fault, but still...

QuidEst
2012-05-29, 10:36 AM
"Your momma's so ugly, the cleric tried to Turn her."
(Unless, of course, it's a Drow. "Your fatha's so ugly, the priestess tried to Turn him.")

ZeroGear
2012-06-02, 06:01 PM
Best one I read was somewhere on this board:
"You mother-loving son of a Harlot!"

Also:
To a guy with any big weapon: "Are you compensating for something?"
To a spellcaster: "Your magic is as bad as your breath!"
To a rogue: "Oh look, both your weapons are tiny."
To a cleric/paladin: "Your god is a lie!"
To a ranger/druid: "Your mama was a fuzzy rabbit!"
To a bard: "A wet cat sounds better than you!"

Manly Man
2012-06-03, 02:00 AM
To a minotaur: "You're mother's a slutty heifer!"

The Bandicoot
2012-06-03, 09:25 AM
To an earth elemental: "your mama is a grain of sand!"

Manly Man
2012-06-03, 06:54 PM
While beating down a werewolf with a half a brick tied into your undergarments: "Eat that nutstrap, beeeatch!"

Man on Fire
2012-06-03, 07:49 PM
Not exactly insults, but might be quite fun to say:

When knocked down: "Pray to your gods I won't get up."
When pinned: "Get this guy from me or I'll kill him!"

newBlazingAngel
2012-06-14, 09:35 PM
"You seriously took improved initiative?"

*Oh a human, how original.*



*sarcasm

The Glyphstone
2012-06-14, 09:44 PM
Treat all Elves as women and refuse to acknowledge there are male elves. Even if you ends up sleeping with one, next day claim he's really a girl.

Question Drow society's logic behind worshipping spiders and hating Driders.

From now on Paladin's alignment is Lawful Anal.

Human: "Hey, elf, you look like a girl!"
Elf: "You're a human, everything must look like a girl to you."
Human: "What's that supposed to mean?"
Elf: "Half-elves, half-orcs, half-dragons, half-celestials, half-fiends..."
Human: "Shut up."
Elf: "Half-fey, half-elementals, half-giants, half-ogres, half-trolls, half-vampires, half-golems..."
Human: "SHUT. UP."
Elf: "..."
Human: "..."
Dwarf: "..."
Elf: "Centaurs."

newBlazingAngel
2012-06-14, 09:47 PM
Glyphstone, that is brilliant.

The Glyphstone
2012-06-14, 10:13 PM
I can't take sole credit for it, it was originally posted by someone else in a really old thread about insults for various fantasy races. I just remember it real well, because it's hilarious. It's the punchline that really sells the whole thing.:smallcool:

Worlok
2012-06-14, 10:18 PM
To a minotaur: "Don't have a cow, man. I mean it, don't!"

To a (naked) troll: "So it won't stop regrowing, but stop growing, it quite obviously did."

To a satyr: "So you say that you're passion incarnate, and still you sit in the wood all day, blowing pipes?"

To a drow priestess: "You know how female spiders eat their partners after intercourse? Just askin' cause you're so fat."

To a drider: "You know how female spiders eat their partners after intercourse? Just askin' cause you look like something that happens when they digest."

To a duergar: "Correction: You are what happens when they digest."

To a choker: "Ya know, if I was a chicken this would be the closest you could ever get to sex."

To a choker in the presence of a cockatrice: "But really, it's not like I have to tell you that."

To a succubus: "So when you guys are so hot, why do you need a shapeshifting ability?"

To a trio of vrocks: "Ya know, when your choreography makes things explode, it's probably not so much magic as it's that it really blows."

To a sea hag: "Let me guess, they told you you would be a nymph once you're grown up?"

To a nymph: "Really now, who even needs two sea hags in a row?"

To a behir: "Basically, taking on dungeons I can get. Picking a blood feud with the kind of thing for which the game is named, however, just spells 7 Int."

To a white dragon: "So I hear you guys think incest makes you cool, but really, taking it so literally just makes you look stupid, mate."

To the red dragon next to it: "Then again, I best shut up, your brother there seems to be getting rather thin-skinned over this."

To a mind flayer: "Oh look, another voidmind. Good to see one trying to improve himself!"

To a lich: "Sucks you had to be his target practice, though."

And basically, that's all I have for now. :smallredface:

Doorhandle
2012-06-15, 01:45 AM
{{scrubbed}}

Stubbazubba
2012-06-15, 11:33 AM
I was in a party with a Dwarf (who liked to give orders) and told me to keep an eye on things from the rooftops. I replied, "Good idea; I'll keep an eye on you from up here, and you keep an eye on everyone's belts down there. Wouldn't want anything to happen to those, now would we?"

soir8
2012-06-16, 03:14 PM
Lo, thou art less manly even than an Elven bard, ho!

Pokonic
2012-06-16, 04:16 PM
To a drow, "So, was your mother a spider or is your ass naturaly that huge?"

Man on Fire
2012-06-16, 06:35 PM
Human: "Hey, elf, you look like a girl!"
Elf: "You're a human, everything must look like a girl to you."
Human: "What's that supposed to mean?"
Elf: "Half-elves, half-orcs, half-dragons, half-celestials, half-fiends..."
Human: "Shut up."
Elf: "Half-fey, half-elementals, half-giants, half-ogres, half-trolls, half-vampires, half-golems..."
Human: "SHUT. UP."
Elf: "..."
Human: "..."
Dwarf: "..."
Elf: "Centaurs."

Gnome: Hey, it's not their fault all of those are easy. Unlike us. Anybody ever heard of half gnome?

One that just jumped into my head that is terrible and I hate myself for it, but I'll post it anyway:
To Half-Orc Half-Ogre or Half-Orc Half-Minotaur or any other Half-Orc Half-Big Bad Monster:

"Did mommy and daddy took turns at raping one another?"
(I know, I'm a monster, sorry)



"You seriously took improved initiative?"

"That's not the thing to say to somebody who just headbutted your sorry flat-footed a*s."

Doorhandle
2012-06-17, 01:01 AM
More taunts! Less filling! (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=127026)

Triscuitable
2012-06-17, 10:32 PM
"Your mother played 4th Edition!"
"Your words make as much sense as the 1st Edition of Exalted!"

newBlazingAngel
2012-06-17, 10:40 PM
"You seem to use your mind less than I use my d12."

"Oh a monty python reference, how quaint and original, you comedy God."

Saintheart
2012-06-19, 02:47 AM
To the halfling: "How fast can you run? I say that simply because if you and I are ever being chased by a dragon I know I don't have to outrun the dragon. I only have to outrun you."

The Glyphstone
2012-06-19, 08:58 AM
To the halfling: "How fast can you run? I say that simply because if you and I are ever being chased by a dragon I know I don't have to outrun the dragon. I only have to outrun you."

The halfling's answer: "Nets are easy to hit people with even if you're not trained to use them."

Dire Panda
2012-06-20, 09:49 AM
A few years ago I ran a joke encounter with a "troll paragon", who was a troll in both species and in the online sense: his homebrew abilities revolved around magical insults which lower the target's self-esteem and deal CHA damage\stun the target. This is the only one I remember:

“Would you move that fat arse, please? I don't think your companions need cover for this battle. No, I'd imagine that thing is a liability in combat – how many times has your ranger peppered you with arrows while yelling something about being ambushed by a gelatinous hemisphere?”

The poor wizard failed her Will save and spent the next round crying.

Manly Man
2012-06-21, 02:28 AM
To a war troll whose magic toys have been plundered: "Problem?"

inexorabletruth
2012-06-23, 08:05 AM
If you want your character to be a pompous ass, try this (http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/shake_rule.html).

Thou artless, beef-witted lout! Verily, shall I cut you like the gleeking, flap-mouthed fustilarian thou art!

newBlazingAngel
2012-06-23, 08:13 PM
Oh that's perfect for all players.

QuidEst
2012-06-24, 01:44 PM
Not insults towards a group so much as by a group. My Bard is fond of "You, sir, are a piece of prose," and "You have no poetry in your soul."

Jay R
2012-06-25, 10:18 AM
To the halfling: "How fast can you run? I say that simply because if you and I are ever being chased by a dragon I know I don't have to outrun the dragon. I only have to outrun you."

Given that the only halflings I've played have been thieves:

"That's your plan? To betray the rogue and turn your back to him at the same moment?"

Honest Tiefling
2012-06-25, 10:44 AM
In Reaper Man, they were brothers which I assume do that.

If your fellows are religious, it's always good to insult that depending on campaign setting. If they aren't, imply that no god would ever want them.

Deepbluediver
2012-06-25, 01:33 PM
I've got a huge list of about 300 or so on my other computer; most of them use modern-ish but I'm sure I can convert a few when I get the chance. They tend to be things like:

"If I took all your brains and shoved them up a gnat's ass it would rattle around like a pebble in a wine jug!"

The original was "...it would rattle around like a BB in a cereal box." A litte reflavoring and you're good to go.

dps
2012-06-26, 10:38 PM
Ac
Burn trees in front of druids.


That's more than just an insult. It's closer to making a US Marshal in the Witness Protection division watch you shoot a mob informant.

newBlazingAngel
2012-06-29, 06:40 PM
Imply bards need fascinate for a woman/man to even look at them.

Techwarrior
2012-06-30, 12:43 PM
Paladin
"I'm not afraid of you, Paladins have no fear!"

BBEG
"Well then you have no courage either, Paladin."