Best PC backstory in 93 words or fewer

[Zed's Dead]

I am working on a character backstory, trying as usual to get something down that is neither clichéd nor too weird/complex to play, and I realized this might make a cool thread. In fact, let's make it a contest.
Rule 1: This must be an actual character you played in an actual role playing game.
Rule 2: 93 words or fewer.
Rule 3: submissions will be taken for exactly 72 hours, starting nowA! Check the posting date and time to see how much time you have left.
Rule 4: Clichéd character back stories are right out. Let's see some originality! Extra points for humor, cool factor, and fitting the campaign world, whatever that may be.
Rule 5: winner is declared by popular acclamation, which will be counted for 24 hours after submissions end.

Prize is bragging rights.

[Phase]

Elderly, overweight Wizard, after many years examining the natural laws of the universe, determines that the gods don't exist, and neither does magic. Is quickly thrown into a massive trap filled labyrinth by the church for preaching the dogma of reasonablism, continues to not believe in even his own magic.

[Craft (Cheese)]

A goat herder cursed to live as an awakened bucket (houseruled) with a face drawn on it named "Robert." Travels with female companion whom he told he is a prince who will marry her if she frees him from this curse, but actually just wants to melt him down into slag to see if he'll still be sentient after she makes him into something else.

(The companion, Clair, did all the fighting, but Robert the Bucket was the one who really stole the show. He could talk to Clair telepathically, and he could see and hear everything that was going on around him, but could only move if nobody was looking at him.)

[7RED7]

@Phase. I like it, it reminds me of the homebrew 40k army list I never finished: The Orkgnostiks. Where things happen because enough orks believe they do, things don't happen because enough Orkgnostics don't believe they can. Imperial war machines even fell apart because "Dem bolts izn't orky enuff". They contest objectives remotely by arguing that the objective was never really there in the first place. They just sit around and disprove things using infallible ork logic, and often mill about like this... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2kAnTZBnTg

[Hiro Protagonest]

Elderly, overweight Wizard, after many years examining the natural laws of the universe, determines that the gods don't exist, and neither does magic. Is quickly thrown into a massive trap filled labyrinth by the church for preaching the dogma of reasonablism, continues to not believe in even his own magic.
Sounds sorta like the wizards who believe the entire multiverse is an illusion... except he thinks everything mundane is real.

@Phase. I like it, it reminds me of the homebrew 40k army list I never finished: The Orkgnostiks. Where things happen because enough orks believe they do, things don't happen because enough Orkgnostics don't believe they can. Imperial war machines even fell apart because "Dem bolts izn't orky enuff". They contest objectives remotely by arguing that the objective was never really there in the first place. They just sit around and disprove things using infallible ork logic, and often mill about like this... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2kAnTZBnTg

Lawl.

[NikitaDarkstar]

A bard who is the son of a (good) necromancer and learned to fight from a gnoll. Loves to sing, pet ghost wolfs, avoid the elemental plane of fire, and occasionally manipulate the recently dead with his music. Preferably after clubbing them to death with his adamantine battle guitar.

***

Sadly I didn't get to play him very long, but he was quite fun. And he did have some strange quirks such as having random body parts turning incorporeal if touched by a ghost... And the plane of fire made him realize that no matter what he thinks of Sigil it's at least not nearly as warm, or unfriendly.

[Glimbur]

A wizard did it.

[Dumbledore lives]

A kobold bard raised partially in the underdark until being kicked out for you know, not being a drow. Due to that she was extremely trained with poisons and had many, many daggers hidden around, including my favorite the instrument blade in her lute. Was last seen with a one armed man riding an ostrich.

[Acanous]

Tarnac Windscream!
Grew up on a mountain, surrounded by Hobgoblins. Mountain was an abandoned Dwarven City, fought over by a Lich and a Dragon.
His tribe had to be fierce. Tarnac slew a Wyvern as his Right of Passage.
Upon discovering Mead, he fell in love. Calls it "honey Ale".
Tarnac collects Beer Steins, travels in a Mead Wagon pulled by Warhorses, and hired a Bard to read, write, and play awesome battle music for him.

[The Bandicoot]

A gnome-sized half-Orc( raised as a Druid by his elf mother) was forced to watch as his father was killed by his tribe. Now he searches for his father's killers whilst riding atop his pacifistic albino bear named Garth.

[Radar]

Janitor extraordinaire and a full-time servant of a prominent black mage. He never leaves his home without a set of removable tips needed to change his staff into a powerful mop. He was cursed with having six-fingered hands for ill-placed curiosity.

[eggs]

For sale: loquacious goblin, barely used.

[Vitruviansquid]

Maynard "Chops" Burnside, a jolly, be-monocled worshipper of Erathis who sojourned to a new world to bring civilization to it (at the point of his sword, if need be). Aside from his "humanitarian" interests, he is well known for his love of a good fight, big game hunting, facial hair, and tea. His party members often describe him as "a little bit more racist than we're comfortable with."

[Dr.Epic]

"You killed my father. Prepare to die!"

:smallwink:

[Jay R]

I once introduced two characters like this:

Doli and Felix are two dwarven fighters. They are brothers, the last of a family of dwarves, mining a small mine deep in a dark forest. In the recent wars, the mine was destroyed, and their family killed. Doli is a cantankerous, crotchety dwarf, while Felix is loud, friendly, and expansive. They are destitute, and want to stop mining in the place where their five brothers were killed, and leave to wander the world.

(You have to know a couple of languages to recognize "Doli" as "Grumpy" and "Felix" as "Happy".)

[Morithias]

Evil Prince, kills his father and takes over. Joins up with a harvester devil, a blackguard of Bel, an artificer, and a friendly sniper. Plans to take over the world and become a god. Owns a copy of the evil overlord list. Is dating the blackguard.

[UserShadow7989]

Human Monk descended from a line of berserkers created by a mad sorcerer's immortality via life stealing plot involving magical creatures. She sought to repress her white dragon heritage like her recent ancestors and became obsessed with self-control and nonlethal force when she manifested ice powers and accidentally killed a mugger. She began traveling after latent magic in her blood started showing her visions of her wanderer brother going mad and other disasters, seeking him out to bring him to his senses and acting to prevent her premonitions from coming to pass.

Huh, 93 words on the dot, if you count 'self-control' as 2. This was my first real go at D&D and I had a great DM and group. Lots of homebrew was involved, but I'd been lurking these forms and various other places long enough to have a decent grip on things, especially with how helpful the others were.

I used my homebrew Monk fix and a flaw from the D&D wiki that basically gave the character a feat in exchange for nightmarish and prophetic dreams (with the character having to make a will save or take penalties when it looked like said dreams might come to pass, iirc).

She originally had a dip in Sorcerer to get access to Draconic feats (not at all optimized, I know, I just wanted the flavor) but was later respecced to full monk when we found the Draconic Fist alternate class feature (I homebrewed a feat that acted as Draconic Heritage and let her treat stunning fist uses as if they were spells/spell slots for the effects of Draconic feats involving them, the 'spell level' being 1/3 of the remaining uses rounded up).

[Aidan305]

Ancient dragon re-incarnated 8,000 years later as an 8-year old human. Who finds out that the voice in his head telling him to do things is an 8,000 year old dragon.

Entertainingly, people I barely know have told me stories of this character's exploits.

[Balmas]

Spellscale-turned-Necropolitan seeks man who changed him. Severely cynical, Rhomus hates clerics, blames the Gods for all the problems of the world, and seeks equal rights for undead. He claims that people make undead act evil, pointing to his own 50 year enslavement. He has no minions, believing it morally wrong. He is accompanied by former childhood sweetheart-turned bard cohort, also acting as a handy Morality Chain (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MoralityChain). She's the only thing keeping him from a Then Let Me Be Evil (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ThenLetMeBeEvil) / Roaring Rampage of Revenge (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/RoaringRampageOfRevenge) moment. Expect lots of deadpan Snarking and Bryonic Heroism.

[Zed's Dead]

Well, who's it going to be? Shall we acclaim together?

[Angry Bob]

Do not leave perishable items, valuable items, house pets, livestock, infants, or buildings unattended within Forty(40) feet of the Painmaster 1000(TM). The Painmaster 1000(TM) contains moving parts. Keep out of reach of children. Choking hazard. Crushing Hazard. Manufacturer is not liable for loss of life, limb, or property caused through misuse or proper use of the Painmaster 1000(TM). Do not taunt the Painmaster 1000(TM).

Technically a manufacturer's warning rather than a backstory, but considering it was actually printed on the character's body(a warforged built to grapple/engage in unarmed combat)...

[Silma]

Erdan, the Half-Elf warrior-poet. I played him in a 4e game as a bard focusing on melee powers. His parents were former adventurers (father: human bard, mother: elf wizard), and he was raised on the tales of noble heroes. He set out to be one of those heroes he read in books. He carries a list of things that he wants to do before he dies, like "beat a dwarf (and then a dragon) in a drinking contest", or "rescue a princess from a dragon". Unfortunately we ended the campaign too soon.