Describe Your Favourite Game And Make It Sound As Awful As Possible

[Thanqol]

Describe Your Favourite Game And Make It Sound As Awful As Possible : The Game

What it says on the tin.


I'll start.


"It's a game with no characters, no tutorial, no dialogue, no story and no way to win. If you don't pause the game every minute you lose. The interface is like the designers of Microsoft Excel were hired to do Google Maps. Oh, and if you start winning too much then you automatically lose."

(Europa Universalis 3)


"Some idiot drives to a town with bad weather and sticks his hand down the toilet to find his dead wife"

(Silent Hill 2)

[Aerodynamik]

"Five nerds sit around a table playing a game where they have to do a lot of math. There's no graphics to speak of, and a large part of the game consists of filling out paperwork. Hell, you might as well call it 'Cubicles and Co-Workers', 'cause it's basically just an office job that these doofuses take on for fun. There's even one guy who gets chosen to be the boss, and everyone else has to do what he says. At any point in the game, if he doesn't like what the other players are doing, he has the power to just kill everyone's in-game characters outright. I can't see how anyone could possibly enjoy playing a game like this, I mean really."

also, here's my other favorite game:

"A cockfighting simulator."

[Binks]

Let's give this a shot.

"It's a game where you control a bunch of AI "teammates" (airquotes implied) as you fight through events in the same time period as the new Star Wars Clone Wars TV show. You have to give them exactly the right commands, and hope that they'll follow them exactly right, or you lose. The game only has 3 missions and no decision points, with 1 ending."

(Star Wars: Republic Commando)

[Reynard]

So, it's a fairly simplistic hack-and-slash, and it looks pretty enough, but my god it has flaws. Level design is isometric, but your character's movements NEVER are, giving way way too high a chance of falling off of the narrow walkways it seems fond of. And as you get further and further, there's this old man talking about everything you do.

[SlyGuyMcFly]

"You spend half the time watching your character standing still while you click through menus and the other half you spend fighting the same four enemies in the same four rooms over and over. You also get to drive a car through the same 2 square miles of non-descript pallette-swapped terrain to get to a room to fight a dozen copies of the four dudes."

Mass Effect.

[super dark33]

"no tutorial, stupid storyline, and the graphics suck so much that there is nothing round in this game!"

Ill let you guess.:smallbiggrin:

[James the Dark]

Nobody speaks the same language that you do, your every mistake is punished by almost immediate death, and death comes at the most innocuous times. No matter how much armor you strap on, you're always two or three bullets from the game-over screen. You can barely carry anything to keep yourself alive, every NPC treats you like a mule or a blunt instrument to their ends, and might well be smarter than you. And when you reach the end, if you don't make exactly the right choices, every ending results in you getting killed.

STALKER: Shadows of Chernobyl

No graphics. No tutorial. No way to win. Not fair by a longshot. Still manages to be obscenely violent, usually at your expense. Any amount of success will be punished. And if you reach the end, there are clowns.

Dwarf Fortress

[Balmas]

"In this game, your entire purpose is to take as many people kicking and screaming with you before you die comically attempting to stand on a colored disc."

Team Fortress 2


"You are trapped on a small island with three other people. Instead of working together to survive, you each decide to compete in making your own civilizations. There's also a robber who hates all of you."

Settlers of Catan.

[Shadow Lord]

" You take control of a feudal land owner, and you have children, and then your children murder you. You can also crusade, but if you do, you'll get curb stomped by the Caliphate."
Crusader Kings 2

[Forum Explorer]

A game with simplistic puzzles and boring protagonist. It has zero replayablilty and it's multiplayer mode is only good for ruining friendships

[factotum]

"A game where the graphic designer was told he could have any colour he wanted so long as it was brown. A world populated by the same four or five people everywhere you go. Combat takes ages, and if you're really lucky, your own team-mate will blow your head off when he's aiming at the guy slightly to your left."

--could be any modern FPS, thinking about it, but I was actually describing Fallout 2!

[The_Jackal]

Set in a fan-fiction spinoff of the Star Trek universe, you fight space battles using a rules set so complicated that it's cross referenced like a government manual or tax law casebook, filling out forms between turns whose complexity is rivaled only by income tax returns and college admissions applications, and yet for all that complexity, the game still simulates deep space combat in only 2 dimensions.

Star Fleet Battles

[Nerd-o-rama]

"A game where the graphic designer was told he could have any colour he wanted so long as it was brown. A world populated by the same four or five people everywhere you go. Combat takes ages, and if you're really lucky, your own team-mate will blow your head off when he's aiming at the guy slightly to your left."

--could be any modern FPS, thinking about it, but I was actually describing Fallout 2!

Actually the backshooting and brown were both worse in Fallout 1, but I can see why you liked 2 better.

Don't forget the insane number of game-ending glitches, either.

Here's mine:

"Anime crossover fanfic that's all in Japanese so I can't read it anyway."

[EvilRoeSlade]

"A Psychopath loses it and murders his entire family."

(God of War series).

[Vladislav]

The crappiest RTS you can imagine. Only six different unit types.

[Raz_Fox]

Your job is to go around cleaning up pollution, during which you are manipulated by an effeminate, arrogant flutist and - at one point - a crossdresser who believes he's a god. You are aided in this job by a mouthy deadbeat who ran away from home to ruin his family's religious obligations and by a drunken hero-wannabe in the middle of his mid-life crisis, and later a violent thief with delusions of grandeur. The greatest challenge in the entire game is putting a broken necklace back together, and peeing on your enemies is a completely viable tactic. To top it all off, it's a rip-off of another, previously-established series, with a loose cultural veneer, a magic system that requires pausing in the middle of the action to scribble on the screen, and a completely unrealistic art style slapped on top to make it seem unique.

Okami.

[TheAmishPirate]

It's a game where you have to go fetch a bunch of random crap for this old geezer who does nothing but blabber at you the whole game. I mean, seriously, no matter what you do, he does. Not. Shut. Up. Beat up a monster? He talks to you. Walk a little ways? He talks to you. Sit still and do nothing? He talks to you! And when I say he does nothing, I mean it, he does absolutely nothing. Doesn't even give you any items, or weapons, even his advice is all random old-guy riddles 'n nonsense. Some punk comes along to wreck all the garbage you've been collecting? Guy just lets him do it for a while before finally figuring out he should call you to take care of it. Bunch of punks try to beat him and his stupid pets up? Who does he come crying to? You guess it: You. And on top of that, the graphics are just plain lazy. They don't even load the levels until you walk in sight of them, and even then there's this massive delay. Seriously, don't buy this game.

Bastion

[DigoDragon]

My favorite game is the one where you wander half the galaxy with a hodgepodge group of rogues, fighting giant sand worms to survey spice precious minerals as you search for some guy who's trying to locate a mythical galactic ending weapon that isn't a weapon at all but a back door to the door of the galactic ending weapon which you've been using as your port of call to begin with.

Mass Effect

[tensai_oni]

A horny kid runs through a mostly empty (but frustratingly large) house, abducts the house owner's daughter and beats up other kids with a stick. It's one giant escort mission. It's also Ico.

[Siosilvar]

So you wake up one day and are forced to leave your childhood home, your foster father is murdered in front of your eyes, and you spend the next month wandering around killing things as a very well-armed hobo before you finally end up killing your stepbrother who just wants to be recognized. Then while on your way south, you're ambushed and captured, finding yourself in an unknown dungeon. After you escape, your sister is kidnapped and you continue your rampage across the countryside in an attempt to find her, either allying yourself with the local assassins or a cabal of vampires, but then the kidnappers steal your soul and her soul and send you both to Hell.

Baldur's Gate. Though I kind of cheated and included both BGI and BGII.

[Artanis]

An insane computer turns into a god, turns off all the lights, and sends swarms of cyborg ninja worm-zombies to kill you.

(System Shock 2)

[Terraoblivion]

A cheerful and lighthearted game about sending child soldiers, senior citizens, pacifists and the mentally ill off to fight a number of the most famous battles of the first and second world war. Tries to preach about the other side being ordinary people too, even as your troops smile cheerfully or even seem sexually aroused when shooting them. Valkyria Chronicles

[Tengu_temp]

"Anime crossover fanfic that's all in Japanese so I can't read it anyway."

There's also like a hundred of these games with very little innovation between any two titles, but fans keep arguing which one is the best anyway.

As for mine:

A very light game in a series that previously used to be mostly dark and climatic. The main character has almost no personality and most of his friends/party members are idiots. The battle system is a generic jRPG that focuses less on clever tactics and more on overcoming obstacles by painstakingly constructing overpowered builds. It's also a dating sim with several creepy and uncomfortable moments. There is a boring fishing minigame which you need to play for a long time to finish an important subquest. Persona 4

[Eldan]

Well, as in a lot of other games, you are stuck on an island. The difference is, there are only about four other people you can meet in the entire game, and not only are three of them on different worlds, it will probably take you months to finish any of them. If you ever manage to solve even a single one of the game's puzzle, since the game insists on not telling you where the puzzles are, where the clues to the puzzles are, where you have to input the answer or what answering the puzzle actually does.
There are several endings. Either you die, you get imprisoned in the void forever, or the world ends. Those endings where the world ends are the good ones, of course.
Then, of course, there are the mechanics: you can not actually move, as such, in the game, only hop forwards a few meters at a time. You can also not move around, just move your angle of vision 90 degrees to the side in some places.

Riven: The Sequel to Myst

[A Rainy Knight]

It's a JRPG where you spend nearly a year in-game day by day, but there's only one dungeon, you only control one member of the party, and the final boss can't even be killed. There's dating sim elements too, but the game encourages you to cheat on your girlfriend with as many other people as possible. Oh, and everybody shoots themselves in the head over and over again.
Persona 3

[Traab]

An angsty wanna be bishonen swings a blade bigger than he is that somehow cuts robots. We learn that corporations are bad, the world wants us dead, and only through prayer can we be saved. Final Fantasy 7.

[SiuiS]

You buy an overpriced set of itchy pajamas, go to a small unused room in a church and give an old guy $20 bucks to tell at you while forcing you to go through contortionist tortured and calisthenics. Occasionally you're stopped and forced to defend yourself against some other rube who the old man tells to attack you, or occasionally the old man himself asserts his dominance by giving you the honor of being his beating bag. After several months of this, all your love ones are invited to watch as you go through the same process wothout being yelled at or even told what you're really supposed to w doing. If you continue to come back every week for about a year, paying all the while, you're stuck in a cage and told not to get hurt too badly while people outside scream at you.

[Tournament style Kajukembo]



You stare at A slowly loading mes of land from the clouds, and tear down anything beautiful to spend your meager funds on houses and amenities, where people will move in, complain you're Doug a crappy job and vote to kick you out. Everyone else who plays does eat better than you and looks at you funny when you remark on how hard it is. Occasional laughter can be heard when your back is turned.

[SimCity]



You're given a week to learn a new ruleset with no nod as to how the numbers truly breakdown. You need to find these rules yourself, and insert your character into a party of almost-published authors who tell you to your face they are judging you, while an actual lawyer quotes page references, an Australian tells you you're dumb and if you ruin this for him you'll be sorry. It's driven in that every character in this game EVER has to come from an abused background, but your sickly mental ward patien ends up going on exotic adventures with a superhero, a corporate overlord and the lovechil of Aphrodite and Michael the Archangel, while you try to figure out how I make the few motley skills you possess useable. And it's painfully obvious all the shortcomings in this game are your fault.

[all Playground Play-by-post games to date] :biggrin:

[dgnslyr]

The game's about virtual cockfighting. You go around the world, having impromptu cockfights, catching more beasties for more cockfights, teaching them techniques to outfight other critters, establishing eugenics programs to breed the ultimate animal, and becoming the King of Cockfighting.
[Pokemon]

Alright, this one's a team game, if you can call it that. For the unfortunate schmucks without friends, starting a game is like playing Russian Roulette. You never know how many deaf-mutes, non-English speakers, belligerent pricks, and generally pants-on-head stupid players you'll have on your team. Sure, in the long run, these variances should all balance out, and you'll see just as many games where the very same sub-moronic players are on the other team, but since a kind and loving god has yet to be discovered, it never happens. Instead, the Random Number Goddess will lovingly place all the dropped-on-the-head-as-children players on your side, where you spend the better part of an hour in a painful, uphill struggle against players with basic gameplay skills and a competent grasp of the English language. Eventually, you'll lose so much you'll be perpetually stuck with the same mob of incompetent, expletive-spewing manchildren you'll lose all hope for an enjoyable game.
[League of Legends]

Was that a thinly-veiled rant? Hmm, I think it might have been. Ah well, better than throwing the things on my desk across the room.

[Augmental]

-An empire uses a cave system as a low-maintenance prison. Later, you kill the emperor.
-This provokes the empire into going to war against the prison. They also steal some things from cave aliens, who blame the prisoners for it. In order to keep the cave aliens from destroying the prison, you have to get back the things the empire stole. Then the aliens fight the war for you.
-Years later, you have to save the empire from the cave aliens.
-The prison turns into an official nation and allies with the empire. Some of the cave aliens don't like that, so they try and destroy the prison/nation with giants.
-Later, someone tries to assassinate the emperor of the empire. You play as empire warriors and try to hunt down the assassin.
-More years later, the prison/nation is being destroyed by famine and lizardfolk. You can either do a wizard's evil quests so the prison/nation will be stronger or let a dragon mind control everyone.
-Then the part right before the prison goes to war is remade with a jarringly different stat system which forces you to specialize in one thing or be terrible. Dual-wielding is the strongest combat style by a wide margin.
The Avernum series in order of release date (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and Escape From the Pit)

[Science Officer]

-You ride a bunch of elevators while a computer lies to you.

Portal (2)

-You left click on things until there are no more things. Oh! And sometimes you pound the 1-4 keys or run out of inventory.

Diablo (II)

-You and your friends are trying to play a very important game, but nobody else seems to pay attention to the rules. You also spend a lot of time eating hamburgers, shopping for clothes and following fashion trends.

The World Ends With You

-A spoiled princess and a bunch of dolls fight over a shiny crystal.

Threads of Fate
Okay, maybe a little obscure

[dgnslyr]

Hamburgers? Who has time to eat hamburgers when you're cramming soft-serve down your throat as fast as possible so you can wear that frilly, lacey, gothic-lolita dress as soon as possible?

[Shadowknight12]

"It's a terrible Ukrainian game that you'll be hard-pressed to find someone who's even even heard about it. In theory, it's supposed to be a Survival Horror FPS, but it fails at Survival, Horror and FPS. The cold, snowy atmosphere is relaxing, rather than tense, the jump scares are predictable and trite and the attempts at "tense" situations are undermined by the game's clunky controls. The survival aspect is badly mismanaged, with the hot/cold aspect being a horrible pain to deal with. The FPS aspect is a complete joke when compared to other titles of the same year and the story tries to be interesting and twisty but just ends up being confusing and mind-screwy. Also, the end gets VERY buggy.

In short, Bland Mute Protagonist boards frozen Ghost Ship to set right what went wrong. Then sanity jumps out the window."

Cryostasis.

[Anarion]

Your friends all make fun of you, your mentor dies, you're forced to leave your home, you get shot in the face, and then this crazy girl comes up with a plan that, instead of saving everybody, just robs you of your youth and splits the timeline permanently in twain.

Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time




You're given a week to learn a new ruleset with no nod as to how the numbers truly breakdown. You need to find these rules yourself, and insert your character into a party of almost-published authors who tell you to your face they are judging you, while an actual lawyer quotes page references, an Australian tells you you're dumb and if you ruin this for him you'll be sorry. It's driven in that every character in this game EVER has to come from an abused background, but your sickly mental ward patien ends up going on exotic adventures with a superhero, a corporate overlord and the lovechil of Aphrodite and Michael the Archangel, while you try to figure out how I make the few motley skills you possess useable. And it's painfully obvious all the shortcomings in this game are your fault.

[all Playground Play-by-post games to date] :biggrin:

Except for the fact that you're doing really well, that's an accurate description!

[SlyGuyMcFly]

-You and your friends are trying to play a very important game, but nobody else seems to pay attention to the rules. You also spend a lot of time eating hamburgers, shopping for clothes and following fashion trends.

The World Ends With You


You forgot to mention the combat system, which requires you to input two sets of completely different controls simultaneously while reacting to real-time events happening in two different places at once, meaning you actually need to be ambidextrous, be a genius at parallel processing and have the ability to focus each of your eyeballs on different points of space.

Oh, and the game encourages you to spend as much time at level one as you can. In fact, you are required to beat the final boss at level one if you want decent odds of it dropping any good loot.

[Weimann]

A series of obnoxious point-and-click games that leads you by the hand all the way though, except where it forces you to guess the right option over and over and over again, with cut-and-paste graphics and no replay value.

Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney

[Nero24200]

You and some "friends" travel across a world of brown to fight off fantasy cliches all the while never showing a single facial expression.

Dragon Age: Origins


You play a game where you die so often they just cut out any form of subtlety and start you off dead. Then it get's worse. Sure, there's plenty to see, but good luck seeing it 6ft under.

Dark Souls

[The Dark Fiddler]

It's sort of like Pokemon, except it takes place in actual Japan, you're actually saving the world, and you have to fight with hideous demons or something like that. You have a week, and you're forced to make friends with the characters or automatically get stuck with the worst ending. Then, when you actually get to pick the ending, there's some pseudo-political philosophical crap there. Oh, and like half of the characters, of which there's maybe 12, can die forever. Not to mention that a lot of the bosses are really annoying, and you ARE going to get stuck at some point and need to grind.

Devil Survivor 1/2

[Garan]

You are running around without being given a decent tutorial, evil is becoming omnipotent, you can't move without inventory space, and good luck using both magic and weapons. Anything of value can be sold to a demon for full price, but the transaction can't total more than 5000 gold, and you'll likely spend hundreds of days there while your intelligence rots away do to a (supposedly) fatal disease.
Morrowind

[Sipex]

You follow a mute, gullible protagonist with questionable fashion sense as he recklessly raids dungeon after dungeon in order to collect some macguffins just because someone told him it was the right thing to do.

edit:[Most Legend of Zelda games]

[Wraith]

Place your base and then wait for 3 In Game months for something to fight, only for it to run off before you can do anything about it. Repeat this 3 or 4 times until you miraculously catch one and begin a fight.
Spend 10 painstaking minutes equipping 16 incompetant, blocky people with crappy, block weapons - one at a time, because you're not allowed to auto-assign anything - before you can start playing the game.
Spend 30 minutes individually trying to maneuver your blocky, asthmatic soldiers around blocky scenery, in the dark, while nothing happens but your blood pressure increasing to dangerous levels.
Then each of your guys dies horribly, because the random number generator hates you.
If, by some ungodly miracle you manage to win the fight with at least one guy alive, you get to wait another 3 months for the next fight, in which all 16 of your guys (which you have had to rehire out of your own pocket, then rearm out of your own pocket, and then painstakingly maneuver into place over another 30 minute period) are literally face-raped to death as you watch, helpless.

Then your Boss fires you, because he's taken a bribe from the guys who were doing the face-raping and you lose the game.

X-Com: Enemy Unknown, of course! :smallbiggrin:

[Rake21]

So, you play as this big headed, five-year-old-looking kid trolling around on a talking boat (WTF). I use the work "talking" loosely, because there's no spoken dialogue other than this indiciferable mumbling. The game came out in 2002, and they couldn't be bothered to find some real voice actors?

On top of that, the graphics look like something out of kid's story book, which would be fine except the main charecter STABS A MAN IN THE GOD DAMN FOREHEAD! What the hell, Nintendo?

Legends of Zelda: Wind Waker

In this other game, you play a silent protagonist... Real ****ing original, Square. He's joined on a time-traveling adventure of bat-**** insanity by some blonde whose pretty much irrelevent, a robot (from the future), a child scientist (see: lunatic who nearly gets her friends killed in the first 15 minutes and gleefully jacks with the timestream), a cave woman who talks like a moron, and a frog (again WTF).

They start off fighting a gay, vampire wizard or something, and then the producers thought that wasn't weird enough. So they tossed in a giant space bug that wants to eat the planet.

Riveting **** right there... absolutely riveting.

Chrono Trigger

[Zombimode]

So you wake up one day and are forced to leave your childhood home, your foster father is murdered in front of your eyes, and you spend the next month wandering around killing things as a very well-armed hobo before you finally end up killing your stepbrother who just wants to be recognized. Then while on your way south, you're ambushed and captured, finding yourself in an unknown dungeon. After you escape, your sister is kidnapped and you continue your rampage across the countryside in an attempt to find her, either allying yourself with the local assassins or a cabal of vampires, but then the kidnappers steal your soul and her soul and send you both to Hell.

Baldur's Gate. Though I kind of cheated and included both BGI and BGII.

Lesson: even the Awfull Description of Baldurs Gate sounds awesome :smallbiggrin:


In this supposed "Role Playing Game" you have next to no options for character advancement, the underlying system is very simple, and despite having a maximum party size of eight, there are hardly any means for character diversification.
There is no journal whatsoever, but the game requires you to not quite a lot of details. There is no endboss, but fights are in itself very disappointing: just simple hack'n'slash with little player input.
There is not much diversification in equipment (like only 5 different sets of armor, and they are all just better/lesser versions of each other).
The visuals are really outdated.
The game is very badly balanced: at some places whole armies of trolls or bandits are spawned with very fast respawn times, despite the fact that a single troll or bandit can kill the entire party at the start of the game. And you HAVE to pass some of those places while being very low level.
You are given NO directions at all at the start of the game. You know the situation, but have litterally no idea what to do about it. If you dont spend the first 20-30 hours talking to everbody on the planet (while trying to win unwinnable fights) you can not progress in the story.

Ultima 5: Lazarus

[LeoMidori]

In this game, you play a government agent stuck somewhere in what looks like the most depressing part of Europe in the 1940's dispite it being 2004. Aiming your gun is frustrating because of the main characters' shakey laser sight and don't even bother trying to throw grenades: stick to the shotgun. It's also annoying because you can't even walk and shoot at the same time, but they expect you to run up to stunned enemies to kick them at close range?
All of the villagers, cultists and psudo military members are trying to kill you with any little thing they can get their hands on, and sometimes don't even die if you blow their heads off! On top of this, they repeat the same annoying phrases in Spanish as they attempt to strangle you to death, or are otherwise blowing themselves up with their own dynamite.
Irritatingly enough to add to this, you're forced to guard a teenage girl who does very little but get kidnapped and scream for your help if you leave her alone for more then ten seconds. It would be nice if there were an option to switch her out for the hot Asian woman instead: at least she uses guns.
It's almost as if the creators wanted everything to look as depressing and disgusting as humanly possible while throwing random giant monsters at you every now and then. Frustrating inventory management for your weapons and equipment, ludicrous story and villians make this a dissapointing entry to this otherwise great series.
Resident Evil 4

[Drascin]

So this is a linear adventure with a mute protagonist, with very unrealistic graphics, which expects you to make drawings on a Dualshock controller joystic, and where in the end you spend the whole game basically making a stupid drunkard NPC kill the baddie and get all the credit because the story says so, while you are the one doing all the sidequests and get absolutely no respect. And to top it off, pretty much every single important plot point affecting all the NPC in the game is solved by blatant deus ex machina!

Okami. (The fact that the "Deus" in "Deus Ex Machina" happens to be the player character here is obviated for effect, of course)

[Cespenar]

Ooh, ooh! I gots one!

There's this one game that you play a seriously ugly mother- I mean, guy, who wakes up with no memories (yeah, really original), and wanders around trying to figure stuff. Apparently, you have done some bad stuff and you should feel bad about it, or some kinda emo BS like that.

Seriously, it's like Hangover for wusses, only the graphics are pre-Stone Age.

[Rake21]

A trilogy this time:

So, stop me if you've heard this before. A wise cracking treasure hunter/ archeologist must travel across the globe searching for <insert treasure/ religious artifact of untold power here> before an evil rival who has a veritble army finds it first.

Sound familiar? It should considering these games stole the plot of 3/4s of the Indiana Jones films! Did they honestly think we wouldn't notice? Hell, some of the damn scenes are lifted straight from the movies! Yeah, I liked that convoy chase, WHEN IT WAS THE CLIMAX OF "THE LAST CRUSADE"!

Good Lord, that's some lazy plagerism right there. On top of that, we have to spend 3 games going through this will they/ won't they bull **** with the main charecter and his shallow-blonde-reporter love interest (how many cliches can you fit in one charecter?).

Uncharted 1-3

[James the Dark]

You punch everybody who makes your daughter cry.

Asura's Wrath.

Although, come to think of it, that's a pretty good philosophy to live by.

[Rake21]

You punch everybody who makes your daughter cry.

Asura's Wrath.

Although, come to think of it, that's a pretty good philosophy to live by.

The game plot has you diving through space to punch out a giant snake-thing made of lava. After that first level, things get kinda silly.


(In all seriousness, I love that game, too. Ausra seems to have two speeds. Hitting things, and hitting things so hard that they cease to exist as solids.)

[DiscipleofBob]

It's Disney + Final Fantasy, only it skimps on the Final Fantasy, and the main character not only has nothing to do with either, but he's one of those annoyingly chipper anime protagonists who talks way too much about friendship and the like.

Oh come on, you REALLY can't guess this?

[Traab]

It's Disney + Final Fantasy, only it skimps on the Final Fantasy, and the main character not only has nothing to do with either, but he's one of those annoyingly chipper anime protagonists who talks way too much about friendship and the like.

Oh come on, you REALLY can't guess this?

Hmmm, wild guess? Final fantasy tactics? No? Uh, My little pony the mmo? No? Ok, ok, kingdom hearts.

[Gorgondantess]

I always use this to describe this particular game:
"You play as a guy on a horse with a bow and a sword. All you know is you have to save this one girl. She is the only other character. You spend most of your time riding around a vast, mostly barren wilderness, until you find one of the 11 enemies in the game, then kill them."
Shadow of the Colossus.

[Geno9999]

You kill the local wildlife, eat mushrooms, flowers, and leafs, on your quest to save some blonde from a giant fire breathing turtle and his seven offspring.

Super Mario Bros. 3

[Mando Knight]

1) A sci-fi shooter series filled with stereotypes: the player is a space marine fighting almost always alone against hordes of aliens, the weakest of which are rather obsessed with explosives and screeching, on worlds copy-pasted out of sci-fi novels. The first in the series has you play the same levels backwards and forwards, only the second time against some kind of facehugger clones. The multiplayer is filled with people who have played the game enough that they'll kill you as soon as you pop out into the open.

2) A sci-fi exploration series with hardly useful instructions and no guidance to the objectives until later iterations. Takes its cues heavily from the Alien franchise. Ending sequence in the original includes a totally unnecessary half-naked 8-bit chick. "Rewards" for doing well in later games consist almost solely of her reappearing in higher definition with different outfits.

3) A series that appears to be based on a drug experience on the developer's part. Non-sequitur powerups, human on turtle violence, lots of mushrooms, and difficult platforming sequences are considered "features" of the series.

4) A series that, as others have mentioned, promotes combination bug-catching/cockfighting. Ten-year-olds travel around game worlds loosely based on real-world locations without parental supervision in order to prove themselves "the very best" at having their animals beat other peoples' animals unconscious and taking their money. Police appear to be either incompetent or corrupt, as they do little to nothing about obvious criminal rings in the area.

5) A series about strangely mutated forest creatures that torment a brilliant inventor, whose hobbies besides rampant megalomania seem to include building factories and lethal amusement parks. Bonus round sequences of increasing difficulty lead to a Dragonball Z-ripoff ability that makes the game too easy. Uncomfortably linked to "furries."

[Rake21]

(God, I can't stop)

The game starts, and you get shot in the head. Huh, you know, for a game that says it's all about choice, they skipped a pretty obvious one. "Do you want to get shot in the ****ing head? Check yes or no."

Strangely enough a bullet to the face isn't (unfortunatly) the end of the game. The "plot" that follows raises some intersting questions. How do those people survive without skin? Why can't I set these god damn kids on fire? Could my companions be more suicidal? Why the **** are there Roman Legionaires in the future?

Though I will give the game credit. It did manage to make a sex-bot with less sex apeal than a garbage disposal. It's like the producers came in and said, "We want a robot that you can do, but make it less sexy than C-3P0." And so, F.I.S.T.O. was born.

Fallout: New Vegas

[Traab]

You know, when you mentioned it as starting with being shot in the head, my first thought jumped to max payne.

[Rake21]

You know, when you mentioned it as starting with being shot in the head, my first thought jumped to max payne.

I completly forgot about that. The second one, right?

[Illven]

You can only use a few of your units at any one time, They can only use so many items at a time, and those items can break. No matter what you do there is always the chance for some of your units to end up completely useless. Death is permanent. If a unit dies you can lose out on other units. For the early game your healers literally cannot attack. The enemies will gang up on injured units and units that cannot fight back.

I'm talking about Fire emblem

[TaRix]

I've played too many to be able to name favorites. But here's one that I enjoyed... for some reason.

In it, you're supposed to be, or rather become, a dashing hero. So you try to prove yourself to three old guys by showing you can explore places, swing a metal stick about, and steal things.
What a joke. Combat is a joke. And the three-headed monkey is never around when you need it.
Exploration? You can see the entire game area in two screenshots!
Stealing things? Click on 'Pick up' and the hopefully named piece of to-be-larcened gewgaw. They weren't kidding when they called it the SCUMM(tm) system.

There's not even any challenge. You have to work really hard to find a way to die. You can even win the game with a single command! (It's even there in the manual, of all places.) Where's the fun in that?
The Secret of Monkey Island, or whatever the first one was called. Also, the instant win command may have been in the second game.

[SiuiS]

Hey thanqol;


Describe Your Favourite Game And Make It Sound As Awful As Possible : The Game

What it says on the tin.

why?

[Zevox]

I always use this to describe this particular game:
"You play as a guy on a horse with a bow and a sword. All you know is you have to save this one girl. She is the only other character. You spend most of your time riding around a vast, mostly barren wilderness, until you find one of the 11 enemies in the game, then kill them."
Shadow of the Colossus.
You forgot that your guy is not actually any good with that bow or sword (especially the bow, which mostly just annoys yours enemies), the horse's controls are awful, and most of the fights in the game are so slow yet easy as to not actually be exciting in spite of the enemies being orders of magnitudes larger than you are. (Oh, and I believe there were 16 enemies, not 11. Certainly it was an even number at least.)

Zevox

[Starwulf]

Welcome to a world where some outcast from a nothing village in the middle of absolutely nowhere, is the hero of the world. Of course, they are to incapable of doing it alone, they have to get help from some poor girl and a little creature known as a "sprite". All you do is go around and kill large creatures that have done nothing wrong except be corrupted by some dark force. In the end you have to take on the great evil but you still can't do it until you get help from the entire world.

Secret of Mana!

[Nerd-o-rama]

Thought of another one:

A video game franchise that preaches that war is bad and video games turn people into mindless drones by turning its players into mindless drones who want to play the next war-themed video game in the series.

Also the plots make negative sense, contradict each other from game to game, and the final payoff is two old men pretty much just making out with each other.

[The Succubus]

You are in a series of team games with 5 people that hate you and 4 people that loathe you. Communicating is done by screaming a series of obscenties into your microphone and belittling everyone that's inferior to you (i.e. the other 9 people in the game).

You spend 90% of the game trying to get a last hit on a hundred and one identical little creatures while simultabeously getting penetrated by the 5 people on the other team because you team mates are either a) running away b) drooling on their keyboards c) have the reaction times of a turtle in a tar pit that's been driven to drinking.

But cheer up! It's got hats now! [Dota 2 - I hate everyone]

[Tengu_temp]

Thought of another one:

A video game franchise that preaches that war is bad and video games turn people into mindless drones by turning its players into mindless drones who want to play the next war-themed video game in the series.

Also the plots make negative sense, contradict each other from game to game, and the final payoff is two old men pretty much just making out with each other.

My favorite game from this franchise is the one where the main character is replaced by a whiny prettyboy who spends half of the game talking with his even more annoying girlfriend, and where the ending is one gigantic "screw you" delivered to the player in the most pretentious matter possible.

The funny thing about MGS is that you don't have to put any effort into making it sound terrible and ridiculous, Kojima already did it for you.

[Fri]

Everyone are doing this, so I want to do this too! Yes mom, if everyone jumped off a bridge, I'll be doing it too.

My favourite game's gameplay can be basically described as 'guess what thing you can grab,'

it actually describes two game series that I like, so I'm going to add that the game has combat too, which is almost an afterthought and more of a rhytm game rather than combat anyway.

Wait, it still describes those two series equally too? Alright. Pick your cheat guys.


This game is supposedly a stealth game, with barely no stealth.
or
favourite game of mine is apparently a game within the game, with the fourth wall breaking interface problems are apparently lauded as part of the game!

[Tyndmyr]

Traitor causes endless death for random innocents and his friends. Must redeem himself by making **** jokes, destroying random stuff, and tormenting the pal he crippled. Gameplay consists of the game requiring you to make increasingly impractical tactical decisions, and multiplayer is not allowed. Additionally, your firepower is vastly outclassed by a child's toy.

Bulletstorm

[James the Dark]

Everything which can move is trying to kill you. The setting is as depressing as hell, every enemy is stronger than you, and compounding that problem, every attack you make kills you a little bit. The side-games involve catching bugs and horticulture, and if you don't undertake them, you stand no chance of finishing the game. There's no clear quest, no real indication of how badly you're doing at the game, and your only real impetus forward is that as you advance, the women around you become more and more naked.
Good music, though.

Turgor/Tension/The Void

You run around hitting stuff with other stuff, sometimes shooting people in a generic, no-magic fantasy setting. You have to aim and time your attacks perfectly to do any damage. One arrow in the head can kill you. Oh, wait; you can't die for good, only loose all the crap you'd accumulated. Repeat until boredom sets in.

Mount and Blade

[Winthur]

You are chasing letters around as an "at" sign in the blank world of Microsoft Word.

(ADOM)

[Gnomish Wanderer]

Whatever you do, do NOT play this game. The majority of the plot is linear, they even numbered the rooms so you'd know what order to go to them in. There's only like 3 characters and two of them don't even have speaking roles, so you end up listening to the same monotonous voice the whole game! The enemies are all the same and way way more powerful than you, trying to take one on head on will kill you in seconds! And the one character who isn't you or the talking role is so static and blocky, just a terrible character. And the enemies' AI is awful, they don't even move. And your gun doesn't even hurt things, it bounces off those enemies and only leaves very temporary holes in the walls! At least it's not very long so you don't have to suffer through it.

[nhbdy]

Whatever you do, do NOT play this game. The majority of the plot is linear, they even numbered the rooms so you'd know what order to go to them in. There's only like 3 characters and two of them don't even have speaking roles, so you end up listening to the same monotonous voice the whole game! The enemies are all the same and way way more powerful than you, trying to take one on head on will kill you in seconds! And the one character who isn't you or the talking role is so static and blocky, just a terrible character. And the enemies' AI is awful, they don't even move. And your gun doesn't even hurt things, it bounces off those enemies and only leaves very temporary holes in the walls! At least it's not very long so you don't have to suffer through it.

IF for whatever reason you ignored this fantastic advice and slogged through this horrid game, and then for some unfathomable reason bought the sequel, I urge you to sell it immediately.

It adds one character, and unfortunately you are stuck listening to this character for more than half the game. He is about as dumb as you can possibly be, and you have to follow his suggestions more than once! The game is just as linear, but like to pretend it isn't by taking you "off the rails" but when you do so you are still forced down the same nonsensical linear level design. The enemy AI isn't improved at all, in fact it worsened, as now some don't even shoot! They couldn't even take the hint from the community that their first (short) game was too long and lengthened their game twofold! However this isn't the worst transgression. These sadistic developers thought that some sick ******* would want to force their friend to play it with them. That's right now you can spread your miserable existence that forced you into playing this drivel with some other poor sap... why do people even make these games!?

[Forbiddenwar]

As for mine:

A very light game in a series that previously used to be mostly dark and climatic. The main character has almost no personality and most of his friends/party members are idiots. The battle system is a generic jRPG that focuses less on clever tactics and more on overcoming obstacles by painstakingly constructing overpowered builds. It's also a dating sim with several creepy and uncomfortable moments. There is a boring fishing minigame which you need to play for a long time to finish an important subquest.

Final Fantasy 7?

[Terraoblivion]

Final Fantasy 7?

Persona 4. The two things that makes it clear that it isn't Persona 3 is most of the party being, well, stupid and the fishing minigame.

[Forbiddenwar]

Persona 4. The two things that makes it clear that it isn't Persona 3 is most of the party being, well, stupid and the fishing minigame.

Ah. I haven't played. Sounds like FF7 too.

My favorite game series:

Game 1. You die. Immediately. Sword in the chest dead. Then a demon comes along and offers you a deal. You get a byzantine inventory system where you collect playing cards and use them as weapons and spells. And you can live as long as you constantly murder innocent people who just want to not starve to death in a swamp. No sane person would accept this, right? But you do. The big twist at the end. You're not sane. Big shocker.

Game 2. You're the adopted son of the mass murderer. The mass murderer adopted you because he knew that you will kill him if and only if he adopts you. (He's insane, remember) So he gives you immortality too and then tortures you for over a millennia, to give you a real good incentive. Then a giant squid comes along and claims it is the one true god. (I **** you not). The crazy inventory has been replaced with absolutely no inventory and you have to kill the monsters roaming the land with your bare hands. To make it worse, if you die, you have to start at the very beginning. If you turn it off, you have to start at the very beginning. And this endless grind is over 7 hours long.

[Maxios]

It's a game where you spend 80% of the time looking at the rear end of a horse. And you shoot people every now and again.
Red Dead Redemption

It's a game where you're a teenager with a case of little-man syndrome. You beat up other teenagers to earn their friendship.
Bully

[Thanqol]

Hey thanqol;



why?

Symmetry. .

[Elemental]

You spend hours establishing dominion over several dozen planets and developing their industries such that you can support the construction and maintenance of a fleet of power warships, each of which takes ages to build.
And when you've finally got your fleet ready to conquer your enemies, it turns out they went for a different tech route which is inherently unbalanced in which a mere half dozen of their cheap and flimsy fighters can take down one of your battleships.
And then their fleet is on its way to you, and they have hundreds of fighters.
Or they just set off the star in your home system, thus destroying the heart of your industrial and technological powerhouse, forcing you to capitulate until such time as you can turn around and collapse their home star into a black hole.

Space Empires V. It can be very fun.

[The Succubus]

Ah. I haven't played. Sounds like FF7 too.

My favorite game series:

Game 1. You die. Immediately. Sword in the chest dead. Then a demon comes along and offers you a deal. You get a byzantine inventory system where you collect playing cards and use them as weapons and spells. And you can live as long as you constantly murder innocent people who just want to not starve to death in a swamp. No sane person would accept this, right? But you do. The big twist at the end. You're not sane. Big shocker.

Game 2. You're the adopted son of the mass murderer. The mass murderer adopted you because he knew that you will kill him if and only if he adopts you. (He's insane, remember) So he gives you immortality too and then tortures you for over a millennia, to give you a real good incentive. Then a giant squid comes along and claims it is the one true god. (I **** you not). The crazy inventory has been replaced with absolutely no inventory and you have to kill the monsters roaming the land with your bare hands. To make it worse, if you die, you have to start at the very beginning. If you turn it off, you have to start at the very beginning. And this endless grind is over 7 hours long.

I love you and I want to have your babies.

[Wookieetank]

Ah. I haven't played. Sounds like FF7 too.

My favorite game series:

Game 1. You die. Immediately. Sword in the chest dead. Then a demon comes along and offers you a deal. You get a byzantine inventory system where you collect playing cards and use them as weapons and spells. And you can live as long as you constantly murder innocent people who just want to not starve to death in a swamp. No sane person would accept this, right? But you do. The big twist at the end. You're not sane. Big shocker.

Game 2. You're the adopted son of the mass murderer. The mass murderer adopted you because he knew that you will kill him if and only if he adopts you. (He's insane, remember) So he gives you immortality too and then tortures you for over a millennia, to give you a real good incentive. Then a giant squid comes along and claims it is the one true god. (I **** you not). The crazy inventory has been replaced with absolutely no inventory and you have to kill the monsters roaming the land with your bare hands. To make it worse, if you die, you have to start at the very beginning. If you turn it off, you have to start at the very beginning. And this endless grind is over 7 hours long.

I feel like I should know these two, but its escaping so very hardcore right now :smallfrown:

You push a ball around, that is apparently covered in superglue, because every object you hit sticks to your ball. If you run into something larger than your ball, you have things you've picked up fall off. Every level has the same blocky style graphics, and all you ever do is roll the ball around and pick things up. If you're unfortunate enough to play the sequal and unlock the secret level, your objective is to roll over 1 million of the same item, and you can only pick up one at a time.

[SanguisAevum]

Ah. I haven't played. Sounds like FF7 too.

My favorite game series:

Game 1. You die. Immediately. Sword in the chest dead. Then a demon comes along and offers you a deal. You get a byzantine inventory system where you collect playing cards and use them as weapons and spells. And you can live as long as you constantly murder innocent people who just want to not starve to death in a swamp. No sane person would accept this, right? But you do. The big twist at the end. You're not sane. Big shocker.

Game 2. You're the adopted son of the mass murderer. The mass murderer adopted you because he knew that you will kill him if and only if he adopts you. (He's insane, remember) So he gives you immortality too and then tortures you for over a millennia, to give you a real good incentive. Then a giant squid comes along and claims it is the one true god. (I **** you not). The crazy inventory has been replaced with absolutely no inventory and you have to kill the monsters roaming the land with your bare hands. To make it worse, if you die, you have to start at the very beginning. If you turn it off, you have to start at the very beginning. And this endless grind is over 7 hours long.

One of the best gaming series to date. Utterly Love these games.

And, a brilliantly done description of them :)

All hail Khaine and Raziel!


And now for one of my own...

A game in which the only thing you do, level after level... is wait until you have gathered enough resource for you to build a huge force, which you then send off towards the enemy base and hope that most of them are NOT eaten by the planets burrowing denizens.

Dune 2 : The battle for Arakis

[Rake21]

Alright, so I didn't do a good job of hiding this one, but what are you going to do.

Warning: Long and minor spoilers. But, without further adeu, my favorite series.

Mass Effect
So you play as a random space marine, guy or girl, trolling around and trying to save the galaxy… when not trying to do back flips in your moon buggy. Gotta have your priorities straight. Your joined on this highly original quest by a colorful cast of alien and “human” characters.

There’s the lady space marine who may or may not be a racist (speciesist?) who gets her squad killed in the first 10 minutes of the game. So naturally you take her along, since clearly she’s the best of the best. Then there’s the other guy, Kyle or something. He’s a psychic who straight up murdered a man to protect a girl he was stalking… Again, perfect for the squad. He’s tough at least, but, as I found out, not tough enough to take a nuke to the face.

Then there’s the aliens. First, we have the alien cop on the edge… who kind of looks like a bird man. Then there’s the walking-cliché bounty hunter/noble warrior, from a race super evolved turtle-dinosaurs. I put him in some bumble-bee looking armor, making him less tough0-guy and more hilarious. Then there’s the girl form a race made up of nothing but blue-skinned, bi-sexual women. Finally, we have some kid from a race of space gypsies. She, unlike everyone else, is not crazy, thus making her somehow less entertaining than the rest of them.

Against them is a bunch of robots that double as lamps being lead by another one of those bird guys. They want to summon some planet-killing god machines, because why the **** not. It seems like an awesome idea.

The game ends with a space battle that you aren’t apart of where one of said god machines is destroyed. Whoopdie ****ing doo.

Oh, and Seth green is in it… take that as you will.


Mass Effect 2
Five minutes in, you die via explosion, suffocation, and re-entry into the atmosphere without a ship… thanks game. Least this one was short. The last piece of **** lasted for like 60 hours.

Wait, that’s not the end? So do I play as someone else or- What! They, they being a brutal terrorist organization that you battled in a bunch of side missions in the last game, rebuild me from what I can only assume is charred meat and shattered bones? **** you game.

Alright, whatever. This time around you have to fight some sentient space bug-people who work for the Cthulhu machines. Unfortunately, your friends mostly moved on with their live when they thought you were dead… and who can really blame them. So, you now have to build a new team.
You’re joined off the bat by a token-black guy and an ass attached to a special agent that works for the terrorists. Next you get a scientist from a race of slug people with a crippling addiction to speed. Then you get another one of those turtle-dinosaur people from the last game, only he’s a clone or something. There’s a sociopathic mercenary who will not shut up about his past exploits where he routinely fails at missions and gets his team killed. Then we got a thief who is pretty god damn inconsequential.

But wait there’s more. There one of those blue-skinned bisexuals who doubles as a knights templar, and who, by all rights, should be trying to kill everyone on the ship. There’s an assassin who’s dying of lung cancer, exactly the kind of guy I want on a suicide mission. Then there’s one of the lamp-robots, whose been stalking you for a while, even wearing part of your armor. And, rounding out the new guys, we have a psychotic psychic, who’s bald and was in a cult. Fantastic.

But don’t worry, we have a few returning crew members, too. Remember the cop on the edge? Yeah, he spent two years becoming Batman and failing at it. He’s back. Also returning is the space gypsy girl. She also gets a bunch of people killed. Also, Seth Green, again, who spends the entire game bickering with the ships AI. So, yeah, we’re probably going to die.

The game ends with you and your bad of insane misfits assaulting the bad guys’ base. There, it’s possible, probable, and enjoyable to get as many members of your squad killed as you can. Then you guys fight and kill a fetus of one of the robo-gods. Credits.

Except, that’s not the end if you bought the DLC. Then the game ends with you blowing up a massive space-thingy and murdering an entire system of innocent people.


Mass Effect 3
So, this time the game starts off with you being stuck on Earth awaiting trial. I guess everyone was a little upset with the genocide thing at the end of the last game. But that’s ok. Who cares about war crimes when the entire force of ships-by-Lovecraft shows up? So, the people of the galaxy, not being useful at all on their own, beg for you to save them.

That’s not to say that it’ll be easy. Oh, no. Every species in the galaxy figured that this invasion was the perfect time to air their dirty laundry and **** with each other. So it’s up to you to deal with their bull**** and fix everything for them, before the sentient-life crushing armada and zombie army kills them all. Oh, did I mention the machine gods have a zombie army? Yeah, that’s a thing.

To top off your ****ty week, the terrorists you were working for last game turned out to be bad guys. Who could have seen that coming? Also, they have an assassin who loves him some cereal.

Once again, you’re joined by a colorful cast of characters who run the gambit from hilariously inept to violently psychotic. You get Batman-cop on the edge, again. The space gypsy comes back, too. Then there’s whoever you didn’t kill with a nuke in the first game. Finally, the blue-skinned bisexual archeologist turned crime boss is back, too. And Seth Green. That’s it for the returning characters. Everyone else is either too busy being dead, dying, failing, or teaching.

You also get two new goons to follow you around. A jar-head who… is in the wrong game. Then, the ship's AI gets a body that is disturbingly naked. It also begins a really odd relationship with Seth Green. I'm not entirely sure hwo that works *shivers*. And, if you bothered to buy him, the last member of an ancient race, the Precursors or something. Unfortunately, he is not an ottsel.

Seriously, **** this game series. It is the most convoluted, drawn out thing I have ever seen.

But, at least the ending was good.

[Forbiddenwar]

Since some seem to be enjoying this. I'll do the next one.

Game three:
Game two ended with prematurely, with no final battle with the mass murderer. Presumably so they could increase sales of game three, where your character suddenly decides to let the mass murderer go free. (so this terrible game company could milk the series for as long as possible) and goes to seek out the TRUTH. Because a giant squid can't really be god, right? And how does he go about it? Mass Murder of course. Humans weren't a major feature of the second game, so he makes sure to kill as many of them as possible in this game. With a sword that constantly disappears at random times and changes colors, likely due to an inability for the graphic department to settle on one color. That's right, now you can choose your sword's color in this train wreck of a franchise. And that's is the only choice you get.
The twist? Your murderous rampage includes killing your freinds, family and, at the end, yourself. The main character kills himself at the end. To find the TRUTH. Real winner of a character there.

Game Four.
You are back to playing the insane mass murderer adopted father. The twist? this is an alternate history version of the immortal mass murderer. who is just as insane and murderous. Yeah. I feel that's all I have to say about that. Surprisingly, this is considered the worst game of the lot. Surprisingly, because when how can anyone tell when they are all this bad?

[Sanguine]

Did you really just say that Tali is less interesting than Kaiden? My mind, it is blown.

Also, you forgot Liara under returning characters in ME3. You also failed to mention EDI.

Finally, I have sent a squad of ninja assassins to your home to kill you for calling the ending good, even in jest. Protocol and all that, I'm sure you understand.:smalltongue:

[Rake21]

Did you really just say that Tali is less interesting than Kaiden? My mind, it is blown.

Also, you forgot Liara under returning characters in ME3. You also failed to mention EDI.

Finally, I have sent a squad of ninja assassins to your home to kill you for calling the ending good, even in jest. Protocol and all that, I'm sure you understand.:smalltongue:

Crap, your right. I just editted them in.

As for the endinOHMYGODNINJAS!

[The Succubus]

Now here's a *really* old one - I'll be very impressed if you work it out.

This is a game comprised of 4 different colours - Depressing Grey, Creepy Green and Evil Black. If you're very lucky the tiny insignificant person you control may have more colours but this isn't a game you come to for the scenery. No. This is a game that is crushing in every sense of the word.

Your fate will be one of three things - to be flattened like a pancake, to fall into the infinite void around you or to be flattened *then* fall into the infinite void around you.

Your only companions in this game are cubes. They not friendly cubes. They will not make you cakes or join in a sing-a-long with homicidal AIs or turrets. These cubes are here to crush you as they slowly move with a horrible thundering noise.

Once the gaping maw of oblivion has swallowed you and your character falls screaming into the endless pit, a smiley white cube will appear and berate your intelligence quite mercilessly.

[Kurushi Final - one of the very first PS1 game]

[Kane]

A bit long, and if you've played the game and don't recognize it, well... I'm not exactly subtle here.



You start out with a wonderful ancient alien spaceship.

Except it's basically said ancient aliens' equivalent of a tugboat.

That's not the point, though! You've been sent back to earth, who's apparently forgotten about your home colony, to help them in a war. Because your tugboat is soooo badass.

You get there, and are informed that you're about a decade late (How did that even happen?) and humanity lost the war. But that's okay, you've got your awesome alien tugboat, and therefore, you are fully qualified to take on hundreds of thousands if not infinite alien starships, many of whom could blow your little tugboat away without breaking a sweat. Oh yeah, and since Earth is unavailable, you've also got ~2000 people on a space station. That is your total available manpower. The station is your only infrastructure aside from your ship.

Of course you can upgrade things, but you can't do it for free, and your upgrades suck. Regardless, you have to putter around and play the same minigame over and over to mine worlds, and occasionally talk to alien races you encounter, most of whom want to kill you. You can even encounter someone who'll sell you technology, except the resource they accept in trade is used by no one else. Good luck, sucker.

So you blunder through a stupidly large galactic map, desperately attempt to not get your tugboat destroyed, crash into planets routinely, and if you're really daring or skilled, even fighting some of the big bads humans lost the war to. Except, wait, there're two flavors of them, and the new one is even more unpleasant, not to mention tougher! And the ones you lost the war to are really your best chance for survival. Aww yeah.

So you putter around the galaxy further, running from those two like a *****, and when you've finally talked to enough random aliens (who you have minimal way of knowing who they are or where to find them until you blunder into them, and some of which you flat out have no warning about,) you can start learning ancient galactic history. Oh boy. And the best part is, the biggest thing you learn is that the scary dogmatic aliens who you lost the war to and are currently all sentient species' best hope for survival in any form? Yeah, not only do they have better justification for what they do than you do, by a huge degree. Congrats on being a violent psychopath, buddy.

So you finally manage to get enough of the two resources to get all available techs, and upgrade your ship. Now I bet you think you're pretty badass and all. Waxing marauders and dreadnoughts like it ain't no thang. Well, turns out that the alien race who's tugboat you found? The scary green dogmatic aliens found a battleship. That's right. You've got a little service-skiff that you can sort-of use as a carrier, and you've upgraded with the best tech you have on hand, they've got a ancient alien race battleship. FML, right? But wait, you can destroy it- With bomb that can be used to blow up stars, some super-amplifying equipment that you have to go through a complex quest chain to get, and takes up basically all the space on your tugboat that you'd need for weapons and equipment, oh, and by sacrificing your tugboat.

That's right. Were you getting fond of it? Though you were badass or something? Well, just in case you did, *yoink*.

Well, bite the bullet, get this done, and get it over with, right? So you head off to your glorious final showdown of ultimate destiny- But wait! Not only do you now have to fight both flavors of scary dogmatic aliens, but there's been a time limit this whole time! If you took too long and haven't been helping the green scary dogmatic aliens, the black scary dogmatic aliens are at this point busy exterminating all life. If you take too long, they get to Earth. Again, good luck, sucker.

But, if you did everything right in a short enough amount of time, you're ready to go- All you need to do is team up with the ultimate evil to defeat the penultimate evil (black scary dogmatic aliens,) and the not-quite-so-evil (green scary dogmatic aliens,) and sacrifice everything to destroy the freakin' battleship.

And then? And then? You win... And it immediately sets up for a sequel.

A sequel.

That never gets made.

Never. Gets. Made.

[Star Control II / The Ur-Quan Masters]

[ArlEammon]

Baldur's Gate
Child of infamous mass murderer claims heritage.

[Cespenar]

Baldur's Gate
Child of infamous mass murderer claims heritage.


infamous mass murderer

Understatement of the year award.

[Acanous]

To start with, this game suffers from Sequelitis. You start out by getting all your hard won swag and friends either damaged or destroyed.
You spend the majority of your play time working for people you hate.
The entire point of your quests is to ensure that everyone you know doesn't die horribly, because in this game, anyone can die.
Your girlfriend dumps you, your NEW romanticoptions are, in order: A frankensteinian "Perfect human" who, besides from being a self-rightious **** lives in the Uncanney Valley, a bald psychopath who may or may not have been a prostitute, and the underaged girl from the previous game.

Oh, and no matter what you do, five minutes of gameplay in, you die.
Mass Effect 2

[Sanguine]

To start with, this game suffers from Sequelitis. You start out by getting all your hard won swag and friends either damaged or destroyed.
You spend the majority of your play time working for people you hate.
The entire point of your quests is to ensure that everyone you know doesn't die horribly, because in this game, anyone can die.
Your girlfriend dumps you, your NEW romanticoptions are, in order: A frankensteinian "Perfect human" who, besides from being a self-rightious **** lives in the Uncanney Valley, a bald psychopath who may or may not have been a prostitute, and the underaged girl from the previous game.

Oh, and no matter what you do, five minutes of gameplay in, you die.
Mass Effect 2

To be fair she's no longer underage in this game.

[Nerd-o-rama]

Also the last two romantic options there made me think of the Chronicles of Riddick. Although the bald psychopath got promoted to main character, and the underage chick is the one who got promoted to love interest.

[Tengu_temp]

Your girlfriend dumps you, your NEW romanticoptions are, in order: A frankensteinian "Perfect human" who, besides from being a self-rightious **** lives in the Uncanney Valley, a bald psychopath who may or may not have been a prostitute, and the underaged girl from the previous game.

That's for the male character. The female character gets the options of a generic guy with no personality, an archetypical hurting anti-hero with an angsty backstory, and your friend from the previous game who has the memory of a goldfish, forgot the lesson he learned last time and has to re-learn it all over again.

[Nerd-o-rama]

That's for the male character. The female character gets the options of a generic guy with no personality, an archetypical hurting anti-hero with an angsty backstory, and your friend from the previous game who has the memory of a goldfish, forgot the lesson he learned last time and has to re-learn it all over again.

Which is still two more choices than you used to get in Bioware games.

[Rake21]

Crap, your right. I just editted them in.

As for the endinOHMYGODNINJAS!

If anyone's curious, I survived said ninja attack. Interesting note, while ninjas can't catch you when you're on fire, they can, infact, easily catch you when they're on fire.

Anyways let's try another one:

In this installment of a classic series, the developers decided to change every damn thing. No more fixed camera angles, plodding enemies, and insaine corporation filled with people who really suck at their job. Now you get to stare at your charecters ass, the enemies are as fast as they are dumb, and you fight an insane cult with members who really suck at their jobs. It's run by a priest who clearly studied under every Bond villian ever, an 8-foot tall resurected Rasputin, and an albino midget who, I **** you not, has a giant, robotic statue of himself.

You play as a highly trained secret service agent who kills the entire population of (I'm stealing this) Not-Spain, on his quest to save the most useless Newt stand-in ever. Along the way, he takes on the typical what-the-hell monstrosities that everyone's come to expect, inlucing a 80 foot-long salamander and dozens of tentecal-rape dogs.

Gameplay wise, our agent can't shoot and walk at the same time, which seems like something they'd have covered in the training sessions. Also, when you finally save the person of interest, you're stuck babysitting her for the rest of the game. Which is a problem when everything wants to kidnap her again, or kill her. The last one's abit of a problem, because she has all the self-defense skills and strength of a toddler.

Also, Peter Jackson may need to sue somebody. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DATao6-87c0)

Resident Evil 4

[Tergon]

Short people attempt to return unwanted jewellery to point of origin after becoming dissatisfied with ownership; difficulty ensues with segregated, war-loving societies that show universal disdain for the height-disadvantaged.

Lord of the Rings Online


Mind-bogglingly racist Scandanavians attempt to commit genocide upon a species of irritating lizards. Efforts are hampered by the Roman army and Nazis wearing long black dresses. Multiple drunken and/or insane criminals ask you to serve their God, a university explodes because it is populated by child-like idiots, you are infected with a crippling disease under the pretext of being helped by allies, and you are constantly ambushed by large crabs disguised as rocks.

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

[Aotrs Commander]

Game One:

In which your faceless, mute character, over which you have no control and no story agency, is ordered about to go and murder people in the cause of tyrannical repression by bigoted, arrogant men, while flying a spacecraft that said men were too cheap to fit with shields. Or hyperdrive. Or shields. Or life-support. Or landing gear.

[Tie Fighter, a strong contender for Best Game Of Any Sort Ever]

Game Two:

In which you undertake the exciting role as an interior decorator, sewer architect, landlord and general dogsbody to a collection of misantropic monsters, half of which are difficult to keep from knocking the place apart or fighting amongst themselves, let alone fed and paid, while simultaneously fending of waves of wandering armed hobos - just to repeat the process again next level.

[Dungeon Keeper]

[Elm11]

This game exists as a slap in the face to Darwinian evolution. In a world inhabited almost entirely by penis-monsters and the living incarnations of human immaturity, you find yourself needing to eat stuff and dance for the amusement of others until you can make babies with wings. Should you avoid being instantly killed at any time by incredibly stealthy 200-foot tall monsters (still, in all likelihood, shaped like a penis), you can progress far enough to watch your winged monstrosities learn to play the bongo drums until everyone on your continent loves them. Alternatively, you can blow up everybody else on thet planet or force them into submission through the use of giant organs mounted on the back of trucks. Still surviving? Alright, try taking off into space and have everybody else declare war on you for the hell of it while you try to defend your entire empire with a single space ship. Oh, and the main objective puts you on an irreversible path against a completely unstoppable, galaxy spanning race of cyborg trolls.

Good luck.

[Spore]

Spend 9 hours of a completely single player game listening to a pair of absurdly macho men with voices like cheesegraters spurt manly platitudes at you. If you survive their truly shocking lack of character-depth, you get to slide along the ground on your knees at 80km/h while shooting generic evil robot soldiers and their giant-enemy-crab-robot masters. Collecting weapon ammunition while you have full ammo magically makes your guns more shooty, Your armour looks like it was made by Mitsubishi and the BBEG is an 80 year old wierdo who plays with electronics too much.

[Vanquish]

[Mx.Silver]

So there's these two JRPGs where you have to do a timing puzle thing every time you do anything in combat. The first one has you play as some punk douche-bag who's motivation is that he gets migraines and hears a voice in his head. The setting's meant to be this lovecraftian-horror type earth, but good luck enjoying that because the characters keep cracking jokes about it all the time and the graphics are lame. Getting the best ending requires jumping through a ridiculous number of hoops and doing something that you're meant to avoid doing the whole game.
Not that it matters, because the second game follows the bad ending - so if you actually got the good one you basically achieved nothing. You're still the same guy, only this time instead of headaches he's sad because people have died (bad end, remember?) and now he's slowly dying too. The game expects you to take actually invest in this plot, even though your party members include a vampire pro-wrestler, a wolf that does stealth missions and there's a sub-quest where you have to collect pin-up pictures of dudes for a gay tailor so he'll make you dresses for your doll.
{Shadow Hearts and Shadow Hearts 2}


You're put in charge of this tiny bunch of cavemen and you've got to somehow get them into space, only you have to wait about 6,000 years to do that (which is hundreds of turns) or you can try taking over the world (which takes about as long). Somehow all the historical figures who are leading all the bunches of people stay exactly the same age throughout the game (which is never explained) and you spend most of your time adjusting sliders and menus in your cities while your guys keep getting killed because the random number generator hates you.
{Civ}




Ooh, ooh! I gots one!

There's this one game that you play a seriously ugly mother- I mean, guy, who wakes up with no memories (yeah, really original), and wanders around trying to figure stuff. Apparently, you have done some bad stuff and you should feel bad about it, or some kinda emo BS like that.

Seriously, it's like Hangover for wusses, only the graphics are pre-Stone Age.

Believe it or not, it's even worse than that! It's meant to be an RPG but you don't even get to create your character, you're stuck with the ugly dude. And even though it's got all these party combat mechanics you hardly ever use them coz you spend most of them reading walls of text, or doing convoluted fetch-quest chains at the end of which is: more text! You can even beat the final boss without actually fighting him! How pathetic is that?

[The Succubus]

This is probably going to get me lynched as a blasphemer or heretic but I actually liked Shadow Hearts more than FF. >.>

Now on to the game! I've played many, many games in life but this one has the single worst AI I've ever come across. The computer controlled NPCs keep falling in pits, getting blown up and will only respond to you occasionally. Worse still, there's absolutely zero character customisation - they all seem to wear the same generic uniform when they're not busy dying or ignoring you and the plot is non-existant.

This frustrating and graphically appalling game went on to sell millions.

[Lemmings]

[Nerd-o-rama]

In which you undertake the exciting role as an interior decorator, sewer architect, landlord and general dogsbody to a collection of misantropic monsters, half of which are difficult to keep from knocking the place apart or fighting amongst themselves, let alone fed and paid, while simultaneously fending of waves of wandering armed hobos - just to repeat the process again next level.

[Dungeon Keeper]

I'll be completely honest. I thought this was The Sims.

[Traab]

Fog is dangerous, it turns monsters into violent monsters. Luckily your town has a tree that stops the fog. When the fog monsters break down the town wall and you have to fight to survive, the magic tree spits out a rock that talks. It melts onto the back of your wrist and you proceed to beat up and/or absorb the fog monsters.

You embark on a quest to wake up more special trees that can beat up fog, and destroy the machines that are making it. Along the way you make friends with a girl that was raised by a wolf, and yet is wearing some oddly fashionable clothing, and a monk that hates talking rocks from an order that despises everyone who uses the talking rocks and yet decides to let one melt onto his wrist to go beat up an evil monk that also got a talking rock.

legend of legaia.

[The Succubus]

Fog is dangerous, it turns monsters into violent monsters. Luckily your town has a tree that stops the fog. When the fog monsters break down the town wall and you have to fight to survive, the magic tree spits out a rock that talks. It melts onto the back of your wrist and you proceed to beat up and/or absorb the fog monsters.

You embark on a quest to wake up more special trees that can beat up fog, and destroy the machines that are making it. Along the way you make friends with a girl that was raised by a wolf, and yet is wearing some oddly fashionable clothing, and a monk that hates talking rocks from an order that despises everyone who uses the talking rocks and yet decides to let one melt onto his wrist to go beat up an evil monk that also got a talking rock.

legend of legaia.

Thought it was FF IX at the beginning there, or possibly a new Silent Hill that I hadnt played.

[Tono]

This is probably going to get me lynched as a blasphemer or heretic but I actually liked Shadow Hearts more than FF. >.>



Actually a lot of people who have played it feel that way. Or at least those that I talk to. Standard bias warnings and all that though.

[Mx.Silver]

You know how nobody likes QTEs? Well clearly someone forgot to tell whoever made this, because basically the whole game is about pressing ridiculously complex series of buttons as you're prompted to do it. There's no story either, so playing solo is pretty much pointless. Of course that's where the real problem comes in, because to play it you can't just use a normal controller, oh no, you have to use these big cumbersome pieces of plastic with weird button arrangements - because it wasn't as if it was complicated enough already - and you need different ones for each person playing. Two of them you needed to strap onto yourself, and one was so unwieldy you had to rest it on the floor. You think that sounds gimmicky? If you wanted full player co-op one person would have to input their commands through a microphone! The best part? If any one of you screwed up too much - and you will - you'd all lose, with no continues.
And don't even get me started on the soundtrack. Basically every single piece of music in this game is either licensed or a cover. Lazy doesn't even begin to describe it.
{Rock Band}






This is probably going to get me lynched as a blasphemer or heretic but I actually liked Shadow Hearts more than FF. >.>

No, I agree. Like Tono, I don't think I've met anyone who's played both FF games and Shadow Hearts who'd take issue with that statement. Then again, I haven't met that many people have actually played Shadow Hearts.

[Traab]

Its a survival horror game. Your character has to travel through a maze collecting dozens of powerful orbs, meanwhile there are a number of bloodthirsty, hungry ghosts that are chasing after you, intent on killing you, and tearing you in half. Luckily though, somewhere in the maze are a few special items that will temporarily allow you to disrupt their physical shells, buying you time to complete your objective as the ghosts try to reform physical bodies.

pac-man

You are the captain of a mighty space ship. Truly great things come in small packages, because your fairly tiny ship packs enough firepower to shatter moon sized lumps of space rocks, which is a good thing, because you are apparently stuck inside the worlds largest asteroid belt, and there is no escape. Just keep shooting and live for as long as you can.

asteroids

Hmm, I think I messed up, those sound way too awesome, let me try again.

You play a junior officer on a spaceship. An accident occurs on a planet survey that transports you to another world with no way to return. This world is in the medieval age. Swords and sorcery. Your quest? To ignore all logic and wander to the next kingdom over, in hopes that this one will be 2000 years more advanced and it might be possible to contact your ship that way. (hint, it isnt) Then the world blows up. You wake up on yet ANOTHER new world. This one is even stranger. Your mission? Well, still sorta to get back home, but mostly to go beat up the guys who just blew up the last world.

[Aotrs Commander]

I'll be completely honest. I thought this was The Sims.

On reflection, it could have been, couldn't it? With the exception that the Sims has slightly less wandering armed hobos and slightly more sex.

[The Glyphstone]

First off, your character is mute because the developers were too cheap to hire a decent voice-actor. The plotline is ridiculous, starting with a generic day at the office and ending in another dimension full of evil aliens. The player character is the literal poster child for 'bringing a club to a gunfight', a complete noncombatant with zero military training who nonetheless demonstrates proficiency with everything from pistols to rocket launchers and fighting skills that exceed any of the on-site security guards or the elite black-ops special forces teams that come to kill you. The dev team was obviously in severe disagreement and/or schizophrenic, because the game can't make up its mind whether it wants to be a first-person shooter or a puzzle game, sometimes both at once. Oh, and the reason to play the sequel is to find out that all your efforts from this game were in vain and humanity was overrun by aliens anyways.

Half-Life.

[The Succubus]

On reflection, it could have been, couldn't it? With the exception that the Sims has slightly less wandering armed hobos and slightly more sex.

A game version of Hobo With a Shotgun would be very entertaining I think. :smalltongue:

[Alge'n]

You play some guy trying find a poorly defined MacGuffin in a dungeon where everything is trying to kill him. You usually ends up dead within a few minutes, killed by some overpowered enemy that doesn't follow the same rules as you or even by your previous character that somehow took a level in badass when he died and you stopped playing him. All the equipment you find would be great for another character but you can't use it nor sell it. Even if you manage to survive long enough, you'll usually get mutated and end up as a deformed monster with anger management issues and a severe case of Tourette Syndrome, only to be killed by miscasting one of your own spell. At least you made Xom laugh.

Dungeon Crawl : Stone Soup (most of it could apply to other roguelikes too)

[Forbiddenwar]

First off, your character is mute because the developers were too cheap to hire a decent voice-actor. The plotline is ridiculous, starting with a generic day at the office and ending in another dimension full of evil aliens. The player character is the literal poster child for 'bringing a club to a gunfight', a complete noncombatant with zero military training who nonetheless demonstrates proficiency with everything from pistols to rocket launchers and fighting skills that exceed any of the on-site security guards or the elite black-ops special forces teams that come to kill you. The dev team was obviously in severe disagreement and/or schizophrenic, because the game can't make up its mind whether it wants to be a first-person shooter or a puzzle game, sometimes both at once. Oh, and the reason to play the sequel is to find out that all your efforts from this game were in vain and humanity was overrun by aliens anyways.

Half-Life.

Quoted for truth. Also full of win.

[Derjuin]

You play as a mercenary hunting a poorly defined macguffin with a vague goal in mind on a corporate dystopian crapsack planet. You end up doing silly favors for people, like pushing buttons to open doors for them, finding the private journals of a crazy scientist or liberating a bar and its owner so your vehicle supplier can kill him later. Your quest is largely forgotten as you trek across the land making peoples' lives marginally less terrible until you stumble across pieces of the macguffin's minimacguffin, the function of which no one but you and one faction of bad guys know. Your closest ally may or may not be an illusion implanted in your head, and is never really explained until the very end, which is a rather unsatisfying twist and an easy boss fight.


Borderlands

[DiscipleofBob]

Oh this one's a real piece of work. The main character is either the angsty emo-girl who's "special" or the cliche annoyingly optimistic thief who has to protect everyone (as long as everyone has boobs). The game never really gives a good definition on whose story it is, which should tell you something about how well organized this plot is.

Anyway, story's very stereotypical. There's an evil empire, an outmatched resistance (guess which side you're on!) and an apacolypse. Standard stuff.

There's magic in the game, but for the first half of the game you only have two characters who can learn it, and both learn it painfully slow. Sure you can EVENTUALLY teach magic to the rest of the party, but the process is so painfully slow and necessary as soon as you'll get the capability you'll find yourself grinding for several days just so everyone has basic healing capability, not to mention the bosses you fight soon after who you pretty much need all the basic spells in order to even damage.

Your characters get other abilities, but they're all really generic or lame. There's one guy they make you do Street Fighter moves to use his attacks, (thanks game because that's what I wanted to play right now game is Street Fighter), another guy you literally have to wait a certain amount of time to use different attacks while I might add the monsters can still hit you, and another guy who just throws things. That's it. And about a third of the characters' special abilities are "you lose control and they play the game for you."

Nevermind you lose all your characters halfway through the game and have to find them again for the second half.

And the main bad guy isn't even the evil emperor, it's his freaking clown! How stupid is that?

Other ridiculous things in the game include the abominable snowman (who's playable I might add), a perverted octopus (thanks Japan!) and an opera scene (WTF?!)

Final Fantasy 3/6.

One of the best games ever.

[TheSummoner]

A fat, hairy man with a very limited vocabulary and an even more limited diet is constantly running around, brutalizing animals and setting fire to the woodlands on the whims of his girlfriend. After performing whatever task she demands, he is rewarded with, at most, a cake.

[Pick a Mario game. Any Mario game.]

[Siosilvar]

Lesson: even the Awfull Description of Baldurs Gate sounds awesome :smallbiggrin:

Well, then I can't leave it at that, can I?:
Combat takes place in real-time. Except that you can't do anything useful in real-time, so you have to stop all the action to tell your people what to do, and they have terrible AI if you don't tell them what to do.
The games can't quite decide which of increasing and decreasing your armor class is good and which is bad.
In the first game, if you go into your inventory to find the potion or item you need, the game will unpause and you'll probably die.
All the important enemies are half again as powerful as you individually and come in packs of four or so. If they aren't in packs of four, then they're powerful enough to make up for it. Though to be fair, 4x1.5 is 6, which makes it about "even" (read "actually not too hard") odds for your 6-man party. And oddly easier if you have 5 instead.
Enemy spellcasters have such ridiculous spell allotments that they can probably kill you - once per spell. Don't get me started on the array of spells that make your whole party completely useless - Hold Person, Sleep, Web...
Poison and acid are ridiculously deadly, and can usually kill you by themselves unless one of your fighters gets hit. Even then, it's iffy, unless you're lucky and happen to have an antidote ready.
If any of the other characters die, you can usually resurrect them. But if the main character dies, somehow the others can't figure out how to do the same. This one makes sense in fluff, but you don't find that out until the very end of the first game!


-snip- You have good taste, more-or-less friendly neighborhood space lich.

[tyckspoon]

Hmm, I think I messed up, those sound way too awesome, let me try again.

You play a junior officer on a spaceship. An accident occurs on a planet survey that transports you to another world with no way to return. This world is in the medieval age. Swords and sorcery. Your quest? To ignore all logic and wander to the next kingdom over, in hopes that this one will be 2000 years more advanced and it might be possible to contact your ship that way. (hint, it isnt) Then the world blows up. You wake up on yet ANOTHER new world. This one is even stranger. Your mission? Well, still sorta to get back home, but mostly to go beat up the guys who just blew up the last world.

For most of this game, your best mode of transportation is an inexplicable giant rabbit. Nowhere else in the game does this rabbit appear, and your character doesn't treat his ability to summon a massive rabbit from absolute emptiness as anything unusual. Also, the command used to summon the rabbit can fail- but there's no cooldown or other cost for attempting it, so the only purpose this serves is forcing you to listen to the associated voice clip again. Which makes your hero sound like the redneckiest of stereotypical Southern Rednecks. (COME 'ERE, BUNNNEH!)

[Tavar]

For most of this game, your best mode of transportation is an inexplicable giant rabbit. Nowhere else in the game does this rabbit appear, and your character doesn't treat his ability to summon a massive rabbit from absolute emptiness as anything unusual. Also, the command used to summon the rabbit can fail- but there's no cooldown or other cost for attempting it, so the only purpose this serves is forcing you to listen to the associated voice clip again. Which makes your hero sound like the redneckiest of stereotypical Southern Rednecks. (COME 'ERE, BUNNNEH!)

Gotta ask, what is this game?

[Ryuho Tsugu]

For most of this game, your best mode of transportation is an inexplicable giant rabbit. Nowhere else in the game does this rabbit appear, and your character doesn't treat his ability to summon a massive rabbit from absolute emptiness as anything unusual. Also, the command used to summon the rabbit can fail- but there's no cooldown or other cost for attempting it, so the only purpose this serves is forcing you to listen to the associated voice clip again. Which makes your hero sound like the redneckiest of stereotypical Southern Rednecks. (COME 'ERE, BUNNNEH!)

Gotta ask, what is this game?

Star Ocean: The Second Story.

Those rabbits did appear in Fun Land, though.

[SephlidJam]

Okay, you wanna talk crappy games? Let's talk crappy games.

This steaming pile opens in some god-forsaken back-water town, where the player, actually playing as the evil empire for a change, gets to invade using guys who are basically riding on the backs of Frickin' Star Wars Chicken Walkers (http://images.wikia.com/starwars/images/e/e9/At-st_large_pic.jpg). Hell, the only two guys given names are Biggs and Wedge! Can you say Star Wars RIP OFF.

After Biggs and Wedge bite the dust (guess the developers were afraid of plagiarism?), the only other character in your party passes out. In the middle of a cave, and has to have her precious little self saved by the dashing hero. Hear that? That's the sound of feminism marching on.

From there, you go to the middle of Tatooine a random desert that takes, like, 30 seconds to walk to. Seriously! Snow, right next to a scorching hot desert! Do the developers have ANY sense of scale?

And that's just the beginning. Your party includes too many characters. Seriously! You have 3 times as many characters as you can have in a party at any one time, and that's not counting the 2 "Hidden" ones. Trying to manage all of their gear and levels? Please. You'll be lucky if you can even remember all of their names, let alone what they're good at.

Let's not mention the magic system - it's just broken beyond reason. Anyone can learn ANY spell in the game, and some of them are broken to the point of ridiculousness. Of course, that's not to mention that you can kill the final boss at low levels with 3 pieces of equipment.

Of course, outside of the magic system, the characters are almost indistinguishable. Sure, some of them have special abilities, like copying enemy attacks or weaponizing anything in your inventory. But, most of them suck to the point of uselessness compared to just the good 'ole attack and magic commands, and one (the enemy-copying attack) can even crash the game!

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that leveling up doesn't increase any of your stats beyond HP and MP - you have one item slot devoted to what stat increases when you level up, and they only increase one stat at a time. Good luck EVER getting a decent build with a crappy system like that.

Also, let's not forget that the main villain is just a crappy version of the Joker - that's right, they aren't just ripping off Star Wars, they're ripping off Batman too! This guy just spends half the game running around being completely useless, making stupid jokes, and then, when he DOES get the chance to take over the world, he just builds a tower made out of trash and tells even WORSE jokes.

I honestly don't get why anyone would EVER play this derivative piece of junk.

FF6. Still my favorite, though FF9's a close second.

[SanguisAevum]

A bit long, and if you've played the game and don't recognize it, well... I'm not exactly subtle here.



You start out with a wonderful ancient alien spaceship.

Except it's basically said ancient aliens' equivalent of a tugboat.

That's not the point, though! You've been sent back to earth, who's apparently forgotten about your home colony, to help them in a war. Because your tugboat is soooo badass.

You get there, and are informed that you're about a decade late (How did that even happen?) and humanity lost the war. But that's okay, you've got your awesome alien tugboat, and therefore, you are fully qualified to take on hundreds of thousands if not infinite alien starships, many of whom could blow your little tugboat away without breaking a sweat. Oh yeah, and since Earth is unavailable, you've also got ~2000 people on a space station. That is your total available manpower. The station is your only infrastructure aside from your ship.

Of course you can upgrade things, but you can't do it for free, and your upgrades suck. Regardless, you have to putter around and play the same minigame over and over to mine worlds, and occasionally talk to alien races you encounter, most of whom want to kill you. You can even encounter someone who'll sell you technology, except the resource they accept in trade is used by no one else. Good luck, sucker.

So you blunder through a stupidly large galactic map, desperately attempt to not get your tugboat destroyed, crash into planets routinely, and if you're really daring or skilled, even fighting some of the big bads humans lost the war to. Except, wait, there're two flavors of them, and the new one is even more unpleasant, not to mention tougher! And the ones you lost the war to are really your best chance for survival. Aww yeah.

So you putter around the galaxy further, running from those two like a *****, and when you've finally talked to enough random aliens (who you have minimal way of knowing who they are or where to find them until you blunder into them, and some of which you flat out have no warning about,) you can start learning ancient galactic history. Oh boy. And the best part is, the biggest thing you learn is that the scary dogmatic aliens who you lost the war to and are currently all sentient species' best hope for survival in any form? Yeah, not only do they have better justification for what they do than you do, by a huge degree. Congrats on being a violent psychopath, buddy.

So you finally manage to get enough of the two resources to get all available techs, and upgrade your ship. Now I bet you think you're pretty badass and all. Waxing marauders and dreadnoughts like it ain't no thang. Well, turns out that the alien race who's tugboat you found? The scary green dogmatic aliens found a battleship. That's right. You've got a little service-skiff that you can sort-of use as a carrier, and you've upgraded with the best tech you have on hand, they've got a ancient alien race battleship. FML, right? But wait, you can destroy it- With bomb that can be used to blow up stars, some super-amplifying equipment that you have to go through a complex quest chain to get, and takes up basically all the space on your tugboat that you'd need for weapons and equipment, oh, and by sacrificing your tugboat.

That's right. Were you getting fond of it? Though you were badass or something? Well, just in case you did, *yoink*.

Well, bite the bullet, get this done, and get it over with, right? So you head off to your glorious final showdown of ultimate destiny- But wait! Not only do you now have to fight both flavors of scary dogmatic aliens, but there's been a time limit this whole time! If you took too long and haven't been helping the green scary dogmatic aliens, the black scary dogmatic aliens are at this point busy exterminating all life. If you take too long, they get to Earth. Again, good luck, sucker.

But, if you did everything right in a short enough amount of time, you're ready to go- All you need to do is team up with the ultimate evil to defeat the penultimate evil (black scary dogmatic aliens,) and the not-quite-so-evil (green scary dogmatic aliens,) and sacrifice everything to destroy the freakin' battleship.

And then? And then? You win... And it immediately sets up for a sequel.

A sequel.

That never gets made.

Also one of the greatest PC games ever created. You are aware that it is availabe as a free ware remake? (google for "the ur quan masters")

Do not fear the juffo wup!
We are *happy campers* would you like to *camp* with us?

[Talesin]

You end up playing the most stererotypical of stereotypes no matter which game in the series you end up playing, black guy calling people cracker and women hos, russian man who likes vodka. You are continually able to commit crimes, over and over again, that are quickly forgotten by the local police force. There is no HUGE file on you that says "Stole 114 cars, ran over several hundred people, shot 5 police officers, took down a police helicopter, kill on sight".

If you do end up getting caught, your incredibly limited jail sentence only costs you around $100 and all of the weapons you're carrying around. You get to own property in and around the island you live on, which seems to be set in the biggest ocean in the universe, but these business establishments haven't heard of banks because you have to go collect your profits IN FREAKING PERSON.

The best way to make money in this game is to steal police vehicles/army helicopter and then do their job for them. Not only that they end up paying you millions of dollars for effectively shooting rockets at bad guys despite the fact you killed 2-300 people to get this 1 car.

On top of all this, your character is more than capable of shooting any gun he finds, winning street races, driving road cars over any kind of surface, flying planes and helicopters and riding bikes faster than some cops can drive after you! Oh and the missions you do, everyone seems to know EVERYONE else. "Hey thanks for killing this guy, I know another guy who happens to need stuff blown up so I gave him your number".

Grand Theft Auto

[Brother Oni]

On reflection, it could have been, couldn't it? With the exception that the Sims has slightly less wandering armed hobos and slightly more sex.

At least until the Dark Mistresses show up, unless BDSM doesn't count as sex.

[Krazzman]

Hmmm let me try this:

You are the no-good or better said the complete fail of an apprentice. Your Master died because he slipped. And all the other Mages or your order died too. You are the last bastion between monsters that seem to only rush to you or that whirly magic orb thingie you are about to close... but the buildings you "defend" or better said stuff full of traps are inhabitated but thanks to your "failed" apprenticeship you are the most bad as crossbow-marksman, swordfighter, magician and Archer and Paladin summoner. And to actually upgrade your favourite Traps you have to defend these orbs good enough to get skulls...not that you slaughtered about 10000 skullbearing creatures in the course of the game no, you need to be good enough to be able to acquire up to 5 skulls....

[ORCS MUST DIE!]

[DiscipleofBob]

Hm, this sounds familiar.

That sound you're not hearing? Those are the ninjas. :smalltongue:



Here's another one:

The entire game is one giant escort mission.

The escortee is a doormat Pokemon master that everyone in the game loves. Your main character is a jock with daddy issues that everyone hates. In fact they hate you so much they don't even bother to remember your name.

Other characters include a racial stereotype, a girl who does all her shopping at Hot Topic and apparently collects dolls and belts, one of those blue cat-people from Avatar, one of those annoying chipper thieves that inevitably betrays you for your stuff (or in this case, the person you're escorting), and I think one other person but I forget...

The game is ridiculously linear, with no backtracking allowed until pretty much the end of the game, and some of the most ridiculous sidequests and minigames in RPG history.

You literally can't die on the final boss, which turns out to be a tiny bug, but it still takes forever to kill. And the whole thing is kind of pointless because your character doesn't just die, he ceases to exist because he apparently never existed at all. Yeah, that makes sense...

The whole game's plot is heavy-handed propaganda that is somehow anti-technology, pro-technology, anti-religion, and pro-religion at the same time, you know, just in case they forgot to offend someone.

Final Fantasy X, the only FF I'd consider to be better than 6. I couldn't bring myself to say anything bad about Auron, because he's motherf***ing Auron.

Not kidding about the sidequests though. Dodge 300 lightning bolts in a row my ass.

[Nerd-o-rama]

Oh this one's a real piece of work. The main character is either the angsty emo-girl who's "special" or the cliche annoyingly optimistic thief who has to protect everyone (as long as everyone has boobs). The game never really gives a good definition on whose story it is, which should tell you something about how well organized this plot is.

Anyway, story's very stereotypical. There's an evil empire, an outmatched resistance (guess which side you're on!) and an apacolypse. Standard stuff.

There's magic in the game, but for the first half of the game you only have two characters who can learn it, and both learn it painfully slow. Sure you can EVENTUALLY teach magic to the rest of the party, but the process is so painfully slow and necessary as soon as you'll get the capability you'll find yourself grinding for several days just so everyone has basic healing capability, not to mention the bosses you fight soon after who you pretty much need all the basic spells in order to even damage.

Your characters get other abilities, but they're all really generic or lame. There's one guy they make you do Street Fighter moves to use his attacks, (thanks game because that's what I wanted to play right now game is Street Fighter), another guy you literally have to wait a certain amount of time to use different attacks while I might add the monsters can still hit you, and another guy who just throws things. That's it. And about a third of the characters' special abilities are "you lose control and they play the game for you."

Nevermind you lose all your characters halfway through the game and have to find them again for the second half.

And the main bad guy isn't even the evil emperor, it's his freaking clown! How stupid is that?

Other ridiculous things in the game include the abominable snowman (who's playable I might add), a perverted octopus (thanks Japan!) and an opera scene (WTF?!)

Final Fantasy 3/6.

One of the best games ever.

I confused this for FFIX for a few paragraphs. Maybe that means I should give IX a second chance...or it just means there's nothing original in Final Fantasy.

[Traab]

I confused this for FFIX for a few paragraphs. Maybe that means I should give IX a second chance...or it just means there's nothing original in Final Fantasy.

Or it was just a bit vague in description. My mind shot to ff6 right off, but I do see the train of thought that would make you think 9. (also a truly badass ff game) You know, its funny, I own every single ff game, or at least have played them all, including game boy games and nintendo ds, I think I have beaten 3 of them. ff7 and ff9, plus that one with the dark knight cecil who becomes a paladin, 4? FF6 I never beat solely because I hate those &^%*I&^% maze dungeons where you have to split the parties up. I freaking hate it when I have to either have one crappy party, or two only ok parties because my favorite characters add up to like, 5. So anyways, since thats the final dungeon.... yeah.

[DiscipleofBob]

I confused this for FFIX for a few paragraphs. Maybe that means I should give IX a second chance...or it just means there's nothing original in Final Fantasy.

It probably doesn't help that 9 intentionally referenced some of its superior predecessors, but I do agree it's an amazing game. Admittedly I'm not fond of the graphic style choice for the game, but otherwise I found it to be the best of the PS1 generation.

[Nerd-o-rama]

Much like Chrono Cross, I more or less slept through FFIX. And yet, I still understood the final boss's presence better than everyone else apparently.

[Traab]

It probably doesn't help that 9 intentionally referenced some of its superior predecessors, but I do agree it's an amazing game. Admittedly I'm not fond of the graphic style choice for the game, but otherwise I found it to be the best of the PS1 generation.

Honestly? I loved the graphics. I thought they were new and unique, and WAY better than ff8, god I hated almost everything about that game.

[Wookieetank]

Honestly? I loved the graphics. I thought they were new and unique, and WAY better than ff8, god I hated almost everything about that game.

As a Final Fantasy game, I totally agree. If approached as a standalnone JRPG with references to the Final Fantasy Series (monster names, magic names, and the like) it comes across as a much better game, not great, but better.

[DiscipleofBob]

Honestly? I loved the graphics. I thought they were new and unique, and WAY better than ff8, god I hated almost everything about that game.

I liked FF8, and I'll go ahead and say I wish FF9 had FF8's graphical style. Or at least get away from the forced chibis. A good try to to throwback to older FF's, but it just doesn't work. Particularly when you compare the in-game Final Fantasy 9 characters to the more realistic proportions in the Amano artwork. Zidane and the others looked so much more badass without Popeye syndrome.

[Zevox]

As a Final Fantasy game, I totally agree. If approached as a standalnone JRPG with references to the Final Fantasy Series (monster names, magic names, and the like) it comes across as a much better game, not great, but better.
Can't say I agree. I've never been particularly impressed by the Final Fantasy series in general, but 8 is easily not only the worst FF game I've played, but the worst JRPG. One of only two that I've given up on without finishing due to how bad it is.

Besides, the Final Fantasy series doesn't really have much of anything tying individual entries together - about the only constants I've seen are spell and item names - so I don't see how it's possible for a game with the FF name to not be a good "Final Fantasy" game but still be a good game.

Zevox

[The Glyphstone]

Less FF arguments, more game pastiches!:smallcool:

[Maxios]

It's a game where there is only two factions, and you have to join one of them. Customization is very limited; you can only change your weapons and headgear. Every change to the game, no matter how minor, is argued about both in and out of game. All the maps focus on two colors: red and blue.
The game is also very immature, one of the "weapons" (I use the term loosely, only an insane map in a rubber suit would consider some weapons dangerous) is a jar of urine you throw at people. The people who make this game are so uncreative that they copy weapons and items from other games; for instance one of the WCDs ("Weapons" of Crass Destrution) is a cheap knock-off of the Hidden Blade from Assassin's Creed.
Oh, and the "flag" of the Capture the Flag game-mode isn't even a flag!

Team Fortress 2

[Nerd-o-rama]

There's no story, no voice acting, only one level, and the game has no structure or instructions whatsoever. You're just thrown into this randomly-generated environment with no tools or resources and told to go.

You will die, a lot, usually in a way that destroys your entire inventory. You will get lost even more, since there's no useful in-game map or rapid transit that you don't have to painstakingly build out of all that inventory that was destroyed when you died. It's insanity-inducing.

If you somehow stumble over the "end" of the game (impossible without an online strategy guide, because there are no instructions), your reward is a nine-minute text crawl of the creator's philosophical navel-gazing.

At least there's multiplayer.

[Tavar]

Can people please state what the game they are talking about is.

[Forbiddenwar]

Can people please state what the game they are talking about is.

Well, NerdoRama is clearly an indie game. terrarria, perhaps. I've never beaten it.
:smallwink:
Just kidding. I'm 98% certain it's minecraft. However, I thought the text was 14 minutes long. Did someone attack Notch with an editor?

[Nerd-o-rama]

Can people please state what the game they are talking about is.

No.

Also I just pulled the time figure off the wiki.

[DiscipleofBob]

There's no story, no voice acting, only one level, and the game has no structure or instructions whatsoever. You're just thrown into this randomly-generated environment with no tools or resources and told to go.

You will die, a lot, usually in a way that destroys your entire inventory. You will get lost even more, since there's no useful in-game map or rapid transit that you don't have to painstakingly build out of all that inventory that was destroyed when you died. It's insanity-inducing.

If you somehow stumble over the "end" of the game (impossible without an online strategy guide, because there are no instructions), your reward is a nine-minute text crawl of the creator's philosophical navel-gazing.

At least there's multiplayer.

I'd guess Minecraft?

[Kane]

Also one of the greatest PC games ever created. You are aware that it is availabe as a free ware remake? (google for "the ur quan masters")

Do not fear the juffo wup!
We are *happy campers* would you like to *camp* with us?

Yeeup. Was actually going to link to it, but apparently links cannot be made invisible. Glad at least somebody had heard of it, though.

[The Succubus]

@^

It might interest you to know that there was once a wonderful game on the Amstrad CPC & Commodore called "Kane". It was a wild west game that involved shooting arrows at birds, racing trains on a horse and getting into shoot-outs.

[Balmas]

Here's the deal. You're trapped. Lured in by promises of cake, you now have no choice but to punch, stomp, and flatten enemies in ever-increasingly complex ways. You want physics? Play Portal. Nope, what you get instead is a dwarf with a twelve-foot vertical jump. Not only were the game designers lazy by only putting in one boss, they made it even worse; you have to defeat the same guy three times! After hours of torture where you are drowned, crushed by rocks, eaten by mushrooms (?), blown up by bombs, attacked by tribal snowmen, set on fire, attacked by ghosts, dropped from great heights, pilfered via bird, eaten by eels, sucked into whirlpools, humiliated by penguins, and blasted out of cannons, you finally have enough MacGuffins to fight the aforementioned boss for the third time. Get this: Boss man? He's a turtle. The BBEG of the entire game is a freakin' turtle. The entire boss fight consists of you picking him up by his tail, spinning him around your head, and throwing him at bombs.

Finally, you get what you came for. Your girlfriend, captured by the fifth Ninja Turtle wannabe, is finally free. Does she give you what you want? Perhaps a nice night of fun would be in order? I mean, you just risked your life, and probably died several times over for-- eeeenope, she's gonna give you a peck on the forehead and bake you a cake.

Worse. Reward. Ever.

[smuchmuch]

You control a character that believes itself far too clever by half but often comes as smug and will regulary break the fourth wall. The plot is linear with 90% chances of containing absurds and anachronic situations and the only way to advance in said plot is through trial and error in a deseperate atempt to guess what flavor of crazy the devellopers were underw hen they came up witht this stuff. There's little to no action despite promessing 'adventure' and way too much talking.

Okay so it's not so much a game in particular than an entire genre...

Also:

You'll spend much of the time in the world between levels than in the levels themselves The levels and situations are complety sureal and frankly mental (at one point you have to go through an entire level just to meet a milkman !) And while the many characters are fun to talk at first, their lines become really lacking by mid game that you'd think they became brainless.

[Nerd-o-rama]

You control a character that believes itself far too clever by half but often comes as smug and will regulary break the fourth wall. The plot is linear with 90% chances of containing absurds and anachronic situations and the only way to advance in said plot is through trial and error in a deseperate atempt to guess what flavor of crazy the devellopers were underw hen they came up witht this stuff. There's little to no action despite promessing 'adventure' and way too much talking.

Okay so it's not so much a game in particular than an entire genre...

The "game in particular" sounds like the Monkey Island series, although it does apply to most adventure games.

I know the other one too but I'll leave someone who's actually played it to gleefully shout the solution.

[Forbiddenwar]

Also:

You'll spend much of the time in the world between levels than in the levels themselves The levels and situations are complety sureal and frankly mental (at one point you have to go through an entire level just to meet a milkman !) And while the many characters are fun to talk at first, their lines become really lacking by mid game that you'd think they became brainless.

For the curious
Psychonauts

[Mando Knight]

Not only were the game designers lazy by only putting in one boss,

There were more bosses than that... the giant bomb and the giant walking wall.

[Doxkid]

You are a savage man who enjoys consuming anything slightly smaller than him whole. Live frogs, chickens, pants; if it is not as large as your whole body you will swallow it and attempting to do this to beings as large as, or larger than you is the main way you interact with the world. At any point after swallowing an object you can, at will, regurgitate it in a disgusting display of precise physical control.

After years of slaughtering farm animals that are, en mass, trying to make your life (and by extension the lives of everyone else in your homeland horrible) you finally get a break.

By 'Finally' I mean: after your grandfather dies, you are robbed of his heirloom and you imprison some of the angriest, largest, most-likely-to-destroy-the-earth pigs you have ever seen.

By 'break' I mean: you manage to sit around (off screen, mind you) for a few weeks, before your girlfriend is attacked by a coalition of those same slobbering hogs and a few new sow that have a grudge against pleasant existences simply because...alright, never mind. There is no 'because'.

After throwing yourself into the sea, your attempt at suicide is disastrously unsuccessful and you wash ashore in a new land; coincidentally this is the same place your girlfriend lives...and where those angry, angry pigs hand out. And the ape you managed to befriend, who is a slightly more mentally stable creature than you.

Guided by the most frightening lice infection the world has ever seen you assemble weapons to maim the pigs and any other living thing that so much as blinks at you wrong, while solving puzzles infants would find mind-numbingly simple followed by puzzles that a supercomputer would instantly decommission itself over, fueled on by its shame and frustration.

Your companion, a dog you swallowed then decided to NOT consume, has been turned to stone and is is sealed in a forest full of slightly more evil than normal entities, ghosts and the like.

Every. Single. Old. Person. Is. Gandalf.

They. Barely. Help.

At some point in time, every object and animal decided as one that physics are suggestions and not rules.

The world around you, along with the tasks you are faced with, assume you have absolutely no interest in survival- you are asked to leap from danglign chains over pits of fire, leap from dangling chains over pits so deep you will probably starve to death before you land, leap over pits of spikes while juggling five or six weapons and beating dangerous endangered species to death with their own young and trust in your ability to dodge attacks that twist reality beyond comprehension.

After grueling struggles, you finally entrap (once again) a elite team of evil boars, only to find out there is a boar that is slightly older than the others. As per the rule above, it is a sorcerer unmatched.

Finding it will take you an eternity and a half.

You have pink hair.

Welcome to Tomba and Tomba 2

[Mono Vertigo]

Can't believe nobody's done that one yet!


For starters, everything's in ASCII. The graphics are terrible.
There's no tutorial or manual. The controls are very obscure. One week after you first start playing, you'll still have no idea what half of them do, either because you keep dying first, or it's just that obscure.
Your enemies are vastly overpowered. The most innocent-looking mook will surely find a way to kill you horribly. You, however, are squishy even if you are a fighter, and if someone throws food at you, they may somehow manage to kill you.
The earth tries to kill you. The magma tries to kill you. The fire tries to kill you. The water tries to kill you. The weather tries to kill you. The animals try to kill you. The plants try to kill you. Your own civilization try to kill you, when they're not busy killing themselves or each other because they're that stupid. By the way, friendly fire is on, so you'll kill your allies, whether you want it or not, too.
Even if you kill your enemies, they don't always stop trying to kill you after death. Sometimes, they will infect you with a disease you can't possibly know was there until it kills you with ridiculous symptoms. Or sometimes, they turn into straight up undead. The same goes with your allies, by the way.
The backstories and descriptions are absurdly developed and use words you didn't even know existed. You can skip them, but if you do, you'll lose what little sense and stories are involved in that game, because there is no plot to speak of.
Half the skills are useless and a complete waste of time. The other half is useful in few situations.
Only the most sadistic laws of physics and biology appear to be respected. You'll literally need to make scientific experiences just to understand how the world works. Several bugs and features can be infinitely abused if they don't ruin your game first. It's very obviously unfinished.
It is insanely hard. And it is unwinnable. You can only hope to survive a little longer than the previous time.



It is a bit like the love child of Dungeon Keeper, the Sims, and Minecraft, only with the worst bits of each.





Oh c'mon, I won't even bother spoilering that one, it's Dwarf Fortress. It didn't even require me any effort to make it sound bad.

[Hunter Noventa]

You're working in Hell's prison after losing most of your power due to making a promise. Your closest allies are a jerk of a werewolf, a delusional schoolgirl, her little sister, and highly explosive waterfowl. The most effective way to becomes stronger involves repeating endlessly random dungeons for hours and hours on end, while fighting off magical pirates. You somehow manage to defeat hatred itself to 'win'.

[ Disgaea 4 ]

[Mewtarthio]

The game's supposed to be some sort of epic RPG, but it's only got like four areas to visit. Your party consists of such original and intellectually stimulating characters as: Your childhood friend with an oh-so-special Mysterious Destiny, an angsty ex-badguy out for atonement, a "wacky" inventor, a bisexual ninja princess (pandering much?), a totally unrepentant mass murderer, and an eight-year-old girl. And did I allude to the fanservice? Because there's a lot of it. Aside from aforementioned bisexual ninja princess (who can join you in a threesome at one point!), you've got all manner of furries. Fox people, rat people, horse people, elephant people, even frog people, if you're into that sort of thing.


Oh, and I haven't even brought up the gameplay. You need to spend resources to use weapons. Seriously, you've got some sort of yellow "weapons meter" or something, and every time you swing your sword, that bar gets a little emptier, until eventually you run out of points and can't use a freaking sword anymore! At least the game's got the decency to put you out of your misery: The final boss has an unblockable, undodgable attack that can kill you in one hit.

[Jade Empire]

[Closet_Skeleton]

Its the worst balanced strategy game ever. It has a rediculous over-abundance of factions but they all have the same units and yet it still fails to be balanced. Some of the factions are basically unplayable. They even released an expansion pack that stopped some of the factions from researching tech! There's an economic system, but its so overly complicated you have no idea what's going on and just leave it to the AI. In fact you could leave most of this game to the AI and do nothing. Often you just go bust and there's nothing you can do about it. Its supposed to be a war game but you can't even control the battles, the computer just simulates them itself so its like Total War with the gameplay removed. The only real unit variety is choosing from a bunch of barely varied cavalry with only a few stat differances but have no choice when it comes to tanks, planes or artillery and the only choice of infantry is between 'worthless, okay and better'. What's more the planes aren't even proper air units and you have to buy a DLC to stop them looking like infantry.

Victoria 2

Its a JRPG designed by an amateur using some low quality free software and has pretty much no original art. The designer forgot to put in any random encounters, leading to some unwinnable boss fights that you need to grind really hard to beat and of course can't grind for. You can find better weapons in chests but since there's only like 3-4 bits of actual combat you'll have made at least 4 of them obsolete before you get to use them. The only area that seems to have had any fleshing out is the starting town. It tries to focus on 'strong female characters' but just falls back on rape as backstory and rape is love. There are some random bits of lesbian smut that just reads like the (male) designer's random fantasies but chicken out of going anywhere actually explicit. There's also a bit of horrendously out of place D&D based humour that doesn't gel with the obviously JRPG fan target audience. The end of the game reads like the designer just got bored and the title character only actually appears for like 1 scene. You're not even aloud to explore the big bad's dungeon, let alone fight him


Embric of Wulfenhammer's Castle

[Talesin]

It's a game with a crazy linear storyline up to the point where they give you a yes and no choice, but if you select the wrong choice (no in each case) the guy asking the question just repeats "Sorry maybe you misheard" or words to that effect.

The game is long and has you teaming up with a turtle who turns into a firebreathing dragon, if you can drag him through hours of painful level grinding, a thief who becomes a ninja, and various other fantasy creatures. When people get promoted if you give them a special item it allows them to be promoted to a better class instead. One of these items is pride, yes you heard right. Pride..

Most of the battles are more or less the same, turn based slog over half the map killing denizens on your way before killing the last monster and moving on. There are some interesting battles but they are few and far between and even the final boss battle is a mimic of most of the battles in the game but the final boss can't move.

Along your journey you're repeatidly followed by one of the most powerful men on the continent who has obviously spent many years studying to get him into the position he is in today. Of course, he doesn't help you in any of the battles. EVER.

The whole game is spent trying to find 2 jewels to rescue a princess and kill a demon lord. When you find the gems they FUSE TO YOUR NECK. No reason is given and it doesn't seem to happen to anyone else.. but yes, fuse to your neck..

Shining Force 2

[Thanqol]

You crash your car and spend the entire game hallucinating about crashing your car.

Driver San Francisco

[Ashen Lilies]

A 'Star Wars' game that has absolutely no relationship with the plot of the movies in which you play an amnesiac (yeah, that tired old plot schtick) inexplicably sent on a quest by the 'Jedi Council' (made up of a Yoda ripoff, a dogmatic, an intolerant jerk and two other guys who are utterly unmemorable) on a quest to defeat a 2-dimensional evil overlord and his massive, unstoppable fleet... armed with only a poor man's version of the Millenium Falcon and a grand total of nine other companions, only 2 of whom you can bring along with you at a time, and all but 3 of whom are utterly useless anyway, and will spend the entirety of the game sitting uselessly on your ship.

And forget about any sort of meaningful characterization from them. Your two main companions are a frigid, self-righteous dogmatic bitch with an overwhelming superiority complex, and a whiny, self-absorbed loner with trust issues who will spend the entire game being loudly suspicious of your character, even after you've saved his ungrateful ass a billion times over and taken every 'good' option in the game's much touted 'moral choice system', which has you either being a stupidly generous saint-to-be who gives thousands of credits to random beggars off the street and spends his or her time trying to redeem every villain in the game, up to and including the Big Bad, or a sadistic douchebag who gleefully murders children, eats kittens for breakfast and, possibly worst of all, demands a reward for helping the legion of lazy, entitled crybabies who constantly demand that your character save their sex droid/sell a dead animal's bodyparts/kill some heavily armed mercenaries/etc. for them. The other characters aren't much better, including such gems as an annoying teenage brat that communicates solely through whines or bitching, a walking carpet with zero personality, a trash can that also has zero personality, a lesbian catgirl and a gruff, anti-social thug. It says a lot about the writing that the two most tolerable characters in the game are the senile old man who won't shut up about the stuff that's happened to him, or the psychopathic mass murderer with exactly zero redeeming qualities.

The gameplay is similarly lackluster, being a rudimentary turn-based system in which it is somehow beneficial to fight enemies armed with guns by slashing at them with sharp pieces of metal, and in which said sharp pieces of metal are somehow capable of parrying lightsabers - weapons in which the movie series are capable of effortlessly slicing through starship hulls. Not that you'll ever get one of those until almost halfway through the game; the entire first section is spent as an unpowered nobody doing increasingly irreverant fetch quests for a bunch of street thugs that don't matter in the end anyway as the villain shows up out of nowhere to blow all your effort to smithereens. And it doesn't get much better from there, of course, especially at the parts where walking up to the wrong door or answering one of the impossible math puzzles incorrectly gets you instagibbed without any save or means of fighting back, or when the game suddenly morphs into a cheap, knockoff space shooter with terrible controls and glitchy hitboxes.

Seriously, just do yourself a favor and never, ever, get this game. You're better off getting a Star Wars game of actual quality like Star Wars: Rebel Assault II: The Hidden Empire, or Super Bombad Racing, or else finding yourself a copy of the brilliantly artistic Star Wars Holiday Special, which of course is the finest piece of entertainment to come out of the Star Wars franchise outside of the prequel trilogy.

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic of course. :smallwink:

[The Succubus]

Seriously, just do yourself a favor and never, ever, get this game. You're better off getting a Star Wars game of actual quality like Star Wars: Rebel Assault II: The Hidden Empire, or Super Bombad Racing, or else finding yourself a copy of the brilliantly artistic Star Wars Holiday Special, which of course is the finest piece of entertainment to come out of the Star Wars franchise outside of the prequel trilogy.

You are a horrible, horrible person Kris. :smallfrown: I wuv you reeeeally <3

[Ashen Lilies]

Various popular movie series as depicted with children's toys. Sacrifices any form of drama from the original movies in place of cheap gags and graphic dismemberment played for comedy.

Lego games.

This schizophrenic wreck of a game can't even decide what genre it wants to be, much less who the main characters are.
The 'plot', if it can be called that, is shallow and banal, filled with cheesy dialogue and crude toilet humor. When you actually get to the gameplay, it primarily masquerades as a first/third person shooter/action game set on a bunch of islands that are virtually identical to each other in terrain and foliage, populated solely by only three types of enemy - fireball spitting spider-things of various sizes, heavily-armed cyclops fishmen, or wasp-bodied flying dominatrices that will set you on fire, complete with flashing words on the screen announcing as such, obscuring your vision as you rapidly leak inexplicably green blood in every direction. Even Mario had more variety than this! The only break from this monotony are the few boss fights in the game, which inevitably feature giant sized creatures with a single weak spot which you must reveal by standing in front of them and waving your vital organs coyly at them while they charge at you at top speed.

On occasion, the game will take a break from this by throwing you into long, tedious 'base-building' sequences which feature all the dull aspects of an RTS (the resource gathering and building construction) with none of the fun aspects (descending upon the enemy with a batallion of tanks), or a string of levels which feature a poorly implemented, unbalanced racing game which must be pulled off perfectly at risk of being subject to a humiliating, unskippable cutscene featuring your character being laughed at by a large crowd of aforementioned cyclops-fishmen.

The first playable character of the game is a bald space marine with a grating Cockney-accent, crude sense of humor, a jetpack that doesn't work, a large array of ineffective weaponry with too little ammo, and armor so sophisticated that it can barely withstand a single shot from the enemy weapons, or last three seconds against the deadly piranhas that will immediately swarm around you the instant you step into a body of water larger than a puddle. In an effort to make the game playable you are accompanied by a quartet of completely identical space marines with equally intolerable accents, though this is hampered by a piss-poor lack of AI and control (only 3 possible commands!), their similarly paper thin armor and the fact that they are armed with only a pair of pistols so weak a tin can could block them (though in a total **** move by the developers, they are outfitted with actually functioning jet packs, thus allowing then to flit effortlessly from place to place while you hop despondently about on whatever meager wisps of flatulence your own device can spit out).

The second playable character is of course, an absolutely disgusting attempt at blatant fanservice, being a half-nude blue-skinned space babe primitive who, in a total suspension-of-disbelief-breaking departure from the sci-fi theme of the previous characters, is inexplicably capable of casting magic spells, 99% of which are useless. Oh, and aside from being a completely shallow, 2-dimensional love interest of one of the other main characters, is also the sole good member of her Always Chaotic Evil race, who is trying to redeem herself and throw off the stigma of her eeeeevil relatives. And she wields a scimitar. WOW. TOTALLY ORIGINAL, GUYS.

The last playable character is, and I kid you not, is a blatant it's-like-they're-not-even-trying ripoff of godzilla. And in case you're suddenly feeling excited at being able to play a giant unstoppable rampaging monster, hold your horses, as not only do you start at only twice the height of your average enemy, you have a large, obviously glowing weakspot that when shot will kill you right dead in seconds flat... AND IT'S LOCATED ON YOUR CROTCH. Way to be classy, guys. Luckily for you, you get another pair of AI sidekicks, only these are even more useless than your previous ones, since not only do you have to manually direct them to attack every single enemy, they don't even have the intelligence to follow you around, requiring you to constantly summon them with an awful sounding roar that sounds more like the tortured moanings of a constipated hippo.

Seriously guys, terrible game. Never play it.

Giants: Citizen Kabuto. It is actually an awesome game, and everyone should play it. Except the Kabuto Offspring actually are terrible. They really are.

[Milo v3]

A game were you play a silent emo teen who has been severely traumatised since he was 6. In this game you attempt to kill bits of peoples minds to stop people from going brain dead. To do this you are part of a group of school children who go to school at night and shoot yourselves in the head to cast spells which summon demons.
Persona 3

[Derjuin]

The graphics are absolutely laughable (nigh nonexistent) and the plot is about as cliche as you can get. The gameplay revolves around stumbling through dungeons hoping you don't get killed by the next unfair mechanic to step out of the shadows. And if you thought you couldn't possibly die that way? It will happen. It will track you down, find you when you least suspect it, and kill your character. Death in the game is almost always permanent, with two non-cheating exceptions, neither of which are reliable in any possible way, so prepare to play well over 50-100 characters before you have an idea of what to do for the first half of the game!

The game's controls are complex and vast, having commands for almost every key on the keyboard (including capitalized letters, ctrl and alt as well), even though some of those commands seem utterly worthless. Wiping your face? Cleaning your ears? Describing the weather?! The worst part of the game is that it gives you almost no guidance whatsoever. A good subtitle for this game would be "Flying Blind and Deaf" because that's what you'll be doing, unless you decide to bust out a spoilerific guide (almost mandatory unless you enjoy pain).

Eugh. The only good thing about the game is that it doesn't cost you a dime to download it, so you can have a guilt-free wallet when you delete it.

[Ancient Domains of Mystery]

[smuchmuch]

Star Wars Holiday Special, which of course is the finest piece of entertainment to come out of the Star Wars franchise outside of the prequel trilogy.

But it is, but it is ! Why, I once ambushed one of my friend, I had to try not to burst into laughter for the whole five first minutes while watching his face.
Then we broke the drinks and MST3King and good times followed.

(Kid Kris post reminded me of another one:)

It's a strategy game but everything is done though an avatar character in a weird 3rd person RPG/RTs mix (nope it's not Giants or Brutal legends, earlier than that and there no flying too wich would have been a great boon) wich makes controling the battlefield really strange and awkward. The cotrol aren't so hot either. The battle generaly end up being very chotic, frantic even in some of the last missions as you desperatly try to move your avatar to wherever the action is while hoping your units haven't been wiped out in the meantime.
You hit your unit limit very early and it's a bitch to raise, you need to stealt one of the two resource of the game and the mecanic for that is a very weird one. it takes some time to do so and the Ai is a bitch that won't give you one second respite to do so.

The graphisms are weirdly colored and blocky but I'll give it some slack sicne the game is rather old. However, also, the design art can be very .. weird at time. Like living rotating bladed cylinders or flying bloated heads. seriosul, were the devellopêr under acid or what ?

There's only one solo campaign and some of the briefing are pretty long with lots of dialogues. Oh and supposedly you can choose your own path but really it doesn't really change anything in the end. However gameplay wise it's changes the spell and unit you get, so it's very easy to screw yourself by taking the wong order.

Oh yeah and did I mention the develloper went completly nuts and put five sides. Needles to say lot of units are pretty much palette swaps or vaguely changed copies of other and the whole thing can be wholly unbalanced.

[Sacrifice]

[deuterio12]

You play as a little girl that has just two attacks (3-4 if you get lucky), and must fight whole armies of monsters that want to unleash destruction upon the world and enjoy the fine taste of human flesh. You tecnically can choose between multiple characters, but aparently they're all too prideful to ever team up at the same time (even if sometimes they do team up with a defeated monster), and sometimes the characters you didn't pick will actually turn against you mid-game. EVERYTHING but the lowest mooks take dozens or hundreds of attacks to take down, and your ammo for anything but your starting weapon is highly limited. Oh, and you also die in one shot. And the enemy shots fire shots of their own. Plus most of the time the only way you can get the extra lifes and ammo you need to reach the bosses is by pulling out crazy-hard stunts mid-game.

The games are completely linear going up from down with a very few exceptions. Difficulty is insane and basically forces you to memorize the enemy patterns ahead of time, and if you die, the random number generators kick in and make your memorization useless as the patterns change, killing you again. The character sprites are awful and the power ups are easily confused with lethal bullets more often than not.

The main character does talk quite a bit, but from her dialogue is either a big liar, insane, drunk or a combination of the previous. Ditto for the enemies.

Touhou series

[AtlanteanTroll]

Your mother kicks you out of the house before you turn 132 and leaves you in the unobservant care of an elderly person who arms you with dangerous animals then tells you to collect all the data you can on all the animals you can. You also have to fight criminals and keep the world safe from deities of untold power.

If I need to say what this is, I will cry.

[Story Time]

...there's some plot. There's some instruction. Much of the game is the character running, not walking, around and performing insignificant goals for other people.

After that the goal of the game becomes collecting globs of green balls. Exactly half of this goal, almost the first half of the game, is about dodging the expectorations of an earth golem so that the character can smack around a bunch of small, fat, things that hide in a cave.

I'm not going to put a spoiler tag on this one.

[IthilanorStPete]

...there's some plot. There's some instruction. Much of the game is the character running, not walking, around and performing insignificant goals for other people.

After that the goal of the game becomes collecting globs of green balls. Exactly half of this goal, almost the first half of the game, is about dodging the expectorations of an earth golem so that the character can smack around a bunch of small, fat, things that hide in a cave.

I'm not going to put a spoiler tag on this one.

...I don't recognize it. >.<

[TaRix]

...I don't recognize it. >.<

Legend of Mana?

[Cogwheel]

Your mother kicks you out of the house before you turn 132

Honestly this seems like a pretty reasonable time.

[Elemental]

Your mother kicks you out of the house before you turn 132 and leaves you in the unobservant care of an elderly person who arms you with dangerous animals then tells you to collect all the data you can on all the animals you can. You also have to fight criminals and keep the world safe from deities of untold power.

If I need to say what this is, I will cry.

Yes. You need to say what this is.
In what Universe is it unreasonable for someone's mother to kick them out of home before their one hundred and thirty-second birthday?!?

In other words:
Nice typo.

[Story Time]

...there's some plot. There's some instruction. Much of the game is the character running, not walking, around and performing insignificant goals for other people.

After that the goal of the game becomes collecting globs of green balls. Exactly half of this goal, almost the first half of the game, is about dodging the expectorations of an earth golem so that the character can smack around a bunch of small, fat, things that hide in a cave.


...I don't recognize it. >.<


Legend of Mana?

Nope. I can't remember having played Legend of Mana, though.

There's also a part of the game where a bunch of standing objects try to insult the character's intelligence.

[The Succubus]

.....Is it [Fable]?

[Story Time]

Ding! That is the correct answer.

[Soliloquy]

A young boy wakes up and uses tiny pieces of metal to fight monsters while everyone around him talks about music. He is in a game of life or death, and no one can see or help him. Unless he walks into a store, at which point he materializes out of nowhere. He eats as much as he can, so that he can build up courage, so that he can cross-dress. He wears absurd looking outfits, because he only cares about which ones are individually best for fighting in. When he's not using the pieces of metal to fight monsters, he uses them to fight other people's pieces of metal. When he does this, they can transform and fly.
[TWEWY

[TrollHunter]

This game revolves around you bouncing and dodging around as a weird animal in space commando armor. You wield weapons that are so bizarre you can't make sense of them, and the games balance is so bleh if you don't upgrade your equipment you're nearly doomed to fail. Not to mention that the games currency comes from the corpses of your foes.
In the meantime your "allies" make jokes and send you to your death and take all the credit when you survive. There are no story choices to be made, and the only optional ending is your death animation.

Ratchet and Clank: Up Your Arsenal

[GolemsVoice]

So you're a "prince" of a certain acnient kingdom in the middle east. Only you never really get to see that kingdom, and that's a GOOD sign, because what little you see is so historically inaccurate, I can't even begin to describe it. But even though you're a prince, and should have lived a life of luxury and idleness, you spent your time running around the streets and training your parkour skills. Wow, doesn't THAT seem tired? First, the prince who despises his royal origins, like THAT'S new. And second, parkour? Come on, nowadays, it's a suprise if a character CAN'T do parkour.
Well, so much for that. Your father is killed, boohoo, and you find a magical artefact that let's you turn back time, but only a little. Instead of actually doing something useful, like leading a rebel army against the evil vizier (evil vizier, yay cliche!) or doing ANYTHING befitting the heir of the kingdom, you flee from magical sand monsters (uuuuh, scary!) and make the city your personal playground. Yup, father's dead, but who cares? PARKOUR!
The sequels are just more boring stuff, and in the last game, you get an evil twin inside you, to complete the cliche-fest.

Prince of Persia, the Trilogy

[The Succubus]

Much like Kid Kris, you are a horrible horrible person. Although instead of suggesting film and video game crimes to people, your crimes are of a more mundane variety. A standard game will have you killing off undiscovered tribes that have never met civilisation before, killing off extremely rare species of animals, killing hundreds of mercanaries, morally dubious artifact discovery, the occasional bit of arson and breaking several traffic laws.

Oh, and in the most recent version, you appear to have had your spine ripped out and are now a horribly weak-willed and whiny person. We won't even discuss the extremely board-inappropriate and distasteful situations you find yourself in.

[Tomb Raider series - a gaming crime in desperate need of euthanasia]

[Mewtarthio]

Much like Kid Kris, you are a horrible horrible person. Although instead of suggesting film and video game crimes to people, your crimes are of a more mundane variety. A standard game will have you killing off undiscovered tribes that have never met civilisation before, killing off extremely rare species of animals, killing hundreds of mercanaries, morally dubious artifact discovery, the occasional bit of arson and breaking several traffic laws.

Oh, and in the most recent version, you appear to have had your spine ripped out and are now a horribly weak-willed and whiny person. We won't even discuss the extremely board-inappropriate and distasteful situations you find yourself in.

Metroid! Oh, wait, there aren't any traffic violations in that series.

[DiscipleofBob]

It's basically Lord of the Rings if every character had an idiot ball and repeatedly fought each other to death for the ring. Oh, and less hobbits and more stripper ninjas.

Doesn't matter if you're seeking to possess the MacGuffin for yourself or trying to destroy it like half the characters, you will end up fighting each other to the death because...? The game neve really explains.

It's made more convoluted by the fact that in the sequel, characters who should know each other by now, or should be dead several times over, are back with no explanation.

Advanced play pretty much just turns into "Who can parry the longest?" and the game is not shy about completely ripping off characters from other games, sometimes with ridiculous results that just make no sense whatsoever.

Soul Calibur

[Tengu_temp]

My second favorite game:

You are a god, but you spend most of the game headbutting people, stealing food and committing acts of petty vandalism. Your sidekick is a squeaky-voiced bug whose idiocy would have him killed in a less forgiving setting several times over the course of the game. The difficulty is schizophrenic: the gameplay focuses mostly on combat and exploration, but those aspects are really easy (even the final boss is barely a challenge), and from time to time you get platforming sections that can sometimes be really frustrating. For its magic system the game uses a special control mechanic that often doesn't work the way you want it, especially for more complex inputs.

Okami


Ding! That is the correct answer.

That game is not well-known enough to assume everyone will know what you're talking about, then.

[Kira_the_5th]

You play as a college student who finds himself drafted into a war,and given command of an entire squad, based pretty much only on the fact that his father was a famous general. And the fact that he was smart enough to bring his own tank.
You need to be careful, or your supposedly invincible fighting machine will go down in a single hit, and then you get spontaneously hit with the supernatural a third of the way in, despite the main character being portrayed as a man of science. Then, once the war's over, you retire and work in a school cafeteria.

Valkyria Chronicles I/A Slight bit of II

Tabletop Edition:

No matter where you go, or who you are, the universe is constantly trying to kill you, simply because of who your parents were. If you don't keep up your public relations, the townsfolk stop thinking "Thank you for saving us from that monster" and start thinking "Wait, the monsters keep coming because that freak's here!"

Scion

[Story Time]

Not A Game Synopsis:

That game is not well-known enough to assume everyone will know what you're talking about, then.

Here are the thread rules:



Describe Your Favourite Game And Make It Sound As Awful As Possible

I don't see fame in the rules.

Honestly, there are lots of games in this thread that I've never played. Some, I'd never heard of.

...does this make me a bad person?

[Milo v3]

Not A Game Synopsis:


Here are the thread rules:




I don't see fame in the rules.

Honestly, there are lots of games in this thread that I've never played. Some, I'd never heard of.

...does this make me a bad person?

I think he was more saying that because of the "I'm not going to put a spoiler tag on this one." bit. Which implies that everyone would know what it is.

[Story Time]

...I...really fail to see how those things relate to each other.
:smallfrown:

Anyway... More games?

[Nerd-o-rama]

Tabletop Edition:

No matter where you go, or who you are, the universe is constantly trying to kill you, simply because of who your parents were. If you don't keep up your public relations, the townsfolk stop thinking "Thank you for saving us from that monster" and start thinking "Wait, the monsters keep coming because that freak's here!"

Scion

Thought this one was Exalted, albeit that's "past life" rather than "parents".

And "the Man" rather than "the universe" I guess.

[JetThomasBoat]

Okay, so when I was younger, I picked up this piece of crap when I was going to rent another game. You play as this mute ginger Goku looking dufus who's the only person in the entire world to have a katana or any other kind of Japanese weapon, for that matter. And even though you're just a teenager, and your best friend is also a teenager, she's an inventor. And you only ever see steam technology in the town he comes from, but somehow the inventor friend manages to make a teleporter pod. Although I guess she didn't do it that well, because it ends up not working right and then the ginger Goku dufus has to fight a bunch of goblins and nagas and crap by himself in the mountains. And then the characters just get more out there, after that. A robot, an amphibious dude with a magic sword, and a girl that runs around like a cat. The pause menu looks ugly and thrown together, the overworld graphics are silly (as is much of the monster design), and who ever heard of the four elements being fire, water, lightning, and shadow? And at the end of the game, you have to kill a giant porcupine from outer space.

Chrono Trigger

[The Glyphstone]

So something I've noticed from this thread...it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to make most Japanese games sound utterly ridiculous.:smallbiggrin:

[t209]

Here's two
A survival and adventure game with No Objectives, Below Average Graphics and zero excitement.
It's Minecraft.
Nothing interesting, boring npcs, boring missions and the special ability from draconic power sucks.
Skyrim

[Mono Vertigo]

So something I've noticed from this thread...it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to make most Japanese games sound utterly ridiculous.:smallbiggrin:
Have we tried to describe Katamari Damacy yet? 'cause it's difficult making it sound more ridiculous than it actually is. Incidentally, it's also a game I love a lot. :smalltongue:

[The Underlord]

Well I once bought this game just to immediantly find out how friggin annoying it is. So when you create your character you get to decide a incredibly vague backstory that will then decide you abilities. You have not even a slightest idea on how these blind decisions will impact your character. Once you are done with the debacle of making your character you find youself on a huge map. That is the part where you realize that there is NO plot whatsoever. Well after a quick look around with no tutuorial that explains what the hell you are suppose to do, you realize that you can make an amry. You see stuff like sharpshooters and knights and you think 'hmmmm I want some of those'. Well after a quick look around you realize you can't even gett any of those. All you can get is weak ass peasants and expensive mercenaries. Well supposedly these peasants can magically be upgraded after a few fights, but they just get one-shotted any time you battle say, a caravan, even if you have vastly superior numbers. In short, this game sucks
Mount and Blade

[planswalker]

A first-person shooter with no weapons. It is completely physics based but spends the whole game explaining the physics to you. The entire thing consists of a linear set of levels that allow you no input or decision-making in the whole game. All of the levels are very short and only the very last level gets into any sort of plot. There is never any dialogue, and the one character who speaks never does anything but give instructions. It uses a whole slew of cliche's, and the person you have had to trust to get you this far turns on you. Oh, and they lie to you about dessert. You fight your way free in the end only to have your entire effort be completely in vain. You are pulled back in the cutscene to redo the whole thing over and over again. To top it all off, the credits tell you that you didn't really defeat the boss after all.

edit: oh, and despite having no multiplayer functionality, the game requires an internet connection to play.and there you have my effort to spin Portal as a bad game.

[Zevox]

So something I've noticed from this thread...it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to make most Japanese games sound utterly ridiculous.:smallbiggrin:
Of course. They tend not to concern themselves with realism as much as western games do. Probably part of why I tend to prefer them, honestly.

Speaking of, I haven't tried my hand at this, have I? Hm. Well, not my favorite game, but an easy one to do this with:

These are games whose story makes absolutely no sense. With the disjointed way it's presented and the lack of explanation for so many things, odds are you simply won't be able to tell what's going on half the time, and even if you look up the answers on the internet it will still be full of plotholes. Doesn't help that there are multiple endings to each segment which usually make even less sense than the story normally does, to the point where some make you wonder if they weren't written by someone on drugs. The characters are all pretty much insane in one way or another too, from the pedophile main character whose family is full of incestuous subtext, to the loud and obnoxious "ninja" who could hardly be less like a ninja if he was actively trying, to the villain that is basically a rip-off of the Joker. The most normal characters in the series are, I kid you not, a giant robot and a werewolf.

They also have more text than some RPGs, even though they're practically the opposite of that genre.

The BlazBlue series. 'Tis awfully hard to disguise that I'm talking about that for anyone that has played the games, given how distinctive the characters can be, but it's very easy to make it sound ridiculous, because it is. And that is exactly why it's so awesome.

I was tempted to go down the entire character list and give a description of why they're all so nuts, but that'd take too long and be extremely easy for anyone who has played the games to figure out.
Zevox

[Milo v3]

The story does make sense though, if you know about everything which is happening and understand a bit of quantum mechanics and how time works. Which would be fine, if explained what some of the terms meant in game rather than being completely implied and 100% ambigious.

Also that Joker character is also Michael Jackson. And the most normal character isn't a werewolf or cyborg. I'd says its that insane kid who commands a robot, who happens to be completely homicidal... Actually nevermind, none of them are anywhere near normal.

[Zevox]

Also that Joker character is also Michael Jackson.
Yeah, but again, I was trying not to be so specific with the character descriptions that it'd be immediately obvious if you've played the game. Just calling him a Joker rip-off makes it less obvious than saying he's what you'd get if you crossed the Joker with Michael Jackson. Also less amusing I suppose, but eh, balancing act that.

Zevox