Messenger
2012-06-30, 05:52 PM
The following is an idea I got for a fantasy geek and social commentary joke. I'm worried that it may possibly offend some people here, for which I apologize- unless you belong to the kind of people being lampooned, at which I point I retract and offer no apologies. :smallbiggrin: In any case, I hope you guys like it.
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THE BROCCOLICH
The broccolich is a vegetarian spellcaster who has unnaturally extended their life through a combination of diet and magic. Unlike the more typical variety of lich who appears as a skeletal figure covered in rotting flesh, the broccolich's flesh is comparatively full and shapely although light green, fresh and crisp. What hair they had in life has since been replace by a bushy, thickly clustered crown of tiny, dark green leaves.
While a lich must create a phylactery to bind his or her soul, the broccolich's essence is instead bound to their vegetable garden from which they grew the food he or she ate during their transformation. When their physical, undead body is destroyed, a lich regenerates from their phylactery, but a broccolich grows from his or her garden like a giant, unnatural fruit. Depending on the condition of their garden, a broccolich tends to regenerate faster than a non-vegetarian lich.
A broccolich is notoriously harder to permanently destroy as compared to a typical lich: the latter is unmade by the simple destruction of his phylactery; for the former, the garden from which they rose from must be paved over and turned into a parking lot.
Every broccolich started their journey into undeath because of their selfish devotion to a long and healthy life. Like their more common brethren, a Broccolich is evil by nature, especially marked by an arrogant disdain of lesser beings who eat meat and show a petty but extreme prejudice against those who eat animal flesh, tending to attack them with particular ferocity in combat. They prefer using magical flames on such poor souls.
Ironically, though an undead creature, a broccolich's garden is often fertile and vibrant, growing many particularly nutritious fruits and vegetables and occasionally even beautiful flowers. A broccolich tends to their garden obsessively as it was through its vitality that they achieved their goal of a long (although unholy) life. They have no need to eat like most undead creatures, but broccolichs compulsively eat fruit and vegetables throughout their existence. Their plant-like bodies, however, do occasionally need air, sunlight, water and occasionally fertilizer.
Rarer than ordinary lichs, attacks perpetrated by broccolichs are just as rare as they spend most of their time tending to their gardens. However, their plots are often more devastating and aggravating. Unlike most lichs who, aside from their undead minions, are solitary by nature, almost all broccolichs are part of the sinister coven known as META- Mages for the Ethical Treatment of Animals*. When on the offensive, broccolichs are encountered among the company of their peers and other members of the dreaded and despised group with whom they cooperate to further their agendas.
* - Despite the name, META welcomes all who would serve their cause. This includes even non-spellcasters, such as Rangers. A significant portion of them are made of druids, many of whom have since become broccolichs. Female members are given the special honor of being required to wear extremely revealing magical clothing and armor fashioned directly from plant matter that curiously remains edible. The signature weapon of all members are large signs inscribed with magical runes and other forms of arcane writing whose hateful language is baleful to unfortunate enough to see and read it.
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THE BROCCOLICH
The broccolich is a vegetarian spellcaster who has unnaturally extended their life through a combination of diet and magic. Unlike the more typical variety of lich who appears as a skeletal figure covered in rotting flesh, the broccolich's flesh is comparatively full and shapely although light green, fresh and crisp. What hair they had in life has since been replace by a bushy, thickly clustered crown of tiny, dark green leaves.
While a lich must create a phylactery to bind his or her soul, the broccolich's essence is instead bound to their vegetable garden from which they grew the food he or she ate during their transformation. When their physical, undead body is destroyed, a lich regenerates from their phylactery, but a broccolich grows from his or her garden like a giant, unnatural fruit. Depending on the condition of their garden, a broccolich tends to regenerate faster than a non-vegetarian lich.
A broccolich is notoriously harder to permanently destroy as compared to a typical lich: the latter is unmade by the simple destruction of his phylactery; for the former, the garden from which they rose from must be paved over and turned into a parking lot.
Every broccolich started their journey into undeath because of their selfish devotion to a long and healthy life. Like their more common brethren, a Broccolich is evil by nature, especially marked by an arrogant disdain of lesser beings who eat meat and show a petty but extreme prejudice against those who eat animal flesh, tending to attack them with particular ferocity in combat. They prefer using magical flames on such poor souls.
Ironically, though an undead creature, a broccolich's garden is often fertile and vibrant, growing many particularly nutritious fruits and vegetables and occasionally even beautiful flowers. A broccolich tends to their garden obsessively as it was through its vitality that they achieved their goal of a long (although unholy) life. They have no need to eat like most undead creatures, but broccolichs compulsively eat fruit and vegetables throughout their existence. Their plant-like bodies, however, do occasionally need air, sunlight, water and occasionally fertilizer.
Rarer than ordinary lichs, attacks perpetrated by broccolichs are just as rare as they spend most of their time tending to their gardens. However, their plots are often more devastating and aggravating. Unlike most lichs who, aside from their undead minions, are solitary by nature, almost all broccolichs are part of the sinister coven known as META- Mages for the Ethical Treatment of Animals*. When on the offensive, broccolichs are encountered among the company of their peers and other members of the dreaded and despised group with whom they cooperate to further their agendas.
* - Despite the name, META welcomes all who would serve their cause. This includes even non-spellcasters, such as Rangers. A significant portion of them are made of druids, many of whom have since become broccolichs. Female members are given the special honor of being required to wear extremely revealing magical clothing and armor fashioned directly from plant matter that curiously remains edible. The signature weapon of all members are large signs inscribed with magical runes and other forms of arcane writing whose hateful language is baleful to unfortunate enough to see and read it.