More Funny D&D Stories

[Eldan]

Cast (level 8-ish):
And one day later I tapped the crystal with my sword, accidentily shattering it completely due to the magic nature of my weapon. The druid was not amused...

Oh, yeah. My group did that once. After finding an ancient map in a cursed library, a few weeks of travelling, a difficult fight, a riddle contest against a sphinx and sneaking past a gigantic dragon, they finally find the magic crystal they are looking for, one of only three left in the world.
The party begins to examine it.
Fighter: "I hit it with my sword, to see if I can chip it!"
DM (me): "Sure?"
Fighter: "Yeah!"
DM: "Okay... your weapon is spell-storing, right?"
Fighter: "Ooh shhhh..."
DM: "And you had shatter stored in there, right?"
Party: :smallmad:

[Karoht]

I saved a Sorcerer. He wasn't happy with me. I'll explain.

So we were fighting some giant apes in a canyon. Huge creatures. The Sorcerer was flying about 40 ft off the canyon floor. The walls of the canyon were 80 feet either side. One of the apes had climbed up a section of the canyon, and leaped from it to grab the Sorcerer.
Sorcerer is Invisible, I'm still not sure how the ape managed to pull this off in a windy canyon, but for the remainder of the story, let us ignore that detail.
So the ape grapples the Sorcerer in mid-air and brings him to the ground, succeeds on the check, and sits on top of him. Sorcerer decides not to cancel his Greater Invisibility so we don't really know where he is. Well, I ended up throwing Resist Energy on the Summoner via changing into an earth elemental and using earthglide. She then pokes me with True Seeing because we have no idea where the Sorcerer is. So between that and Tremorsense, I know where the Sorcerer is.
He's being sat on by King Kong.
So I earthglide under him, and poke him to give him Freedom of Movement, so that I can move on and deal with another issue. So he ends up free of the grapple and able to squeeze himself out.
Well, he's not going through the ape's legs, so that leaves two options.

/euphamism
Out the... front... between the stones
Or out the... back... between the seats
/end euphamism
We decided to roll for it to see which way he went. He went out the back.

I wiped a monkey's butt with a sorcerer.

And for anyone who plays World of Warcraft will probably get this reference.
I totally Ooked him in the Dooker.

[Unbeknownst]

Yea, it's at that point Khorne contacts you about becomeing a demon because you kicked ones ass (He's all about honour and combat, not just blood). Also, that one gets destroyed/tortured.

If you do it again a couple of times, he makes you a greater demon/demon prince instead. (In the fluff there was a noblewomen who just ate (Ok, asked them to posses her and then beat them with her own will) greater slannesh demons until Slanesh stopped her and mage her a demon prince to avoid it happening again, all in the search for eternal youth).

Yeah, Khornite Daemons popped up quite a bit after that. One even went "My Lady" to me. That went over well with the party.

[Mackfrost]

I've been creeping on this thread since it was created, i loved reading it at night during high school and i hope it survives through my college years. So to the story. (i will be posting frequenty.)

Cast:
-Nimrodel Maedros. Half elf rogue and party leader. Wants to be a hero without doing heroic things.
-Shadraque Wolfheart. Human Druid cant keep himself from woodshaping phalic objects on everything. (im not sure how else to describe him)
-Axe the grey. Half orc fighter, party grandpa had to leave after the first session.
-Shelly Smokestacks. Gnome wizard, constant thorn in my side but she left pretty quick.
-Leo the paladin. He was a human... Paladin. (redundancy) he was a really bad good guy.
Allea: human cleric, the single worst healer i've seen. Period.

So the group doesnt know one another yet, they are all going about there own business when lizard men attack the village. Before i have the chance to properly lay out the scene this i what i get.

Axe: i run to the gate and start bustin skulls!
Leo: yeah me too i guess
Nim: i hide in a barrel!
Shelly: i run away!!
Shadraque: i run on the roof and shoot them!
Me: your sling doesnt reach.
Shadraque: i shout rude things to them!!
Allea: wait whats happening?

Before continuing. I want you to picture this in your brain...
Good? Then to continue, the peasants who were whipping rocks at the enemy were doing more damage. So everyone in the village retreated.
The party was following behind in the woods and the villagers were following an escape route. There were a few more trails on the map but the group went with the townsfolk because they knew what they were doing.

Highlights from the rest of the adventure.

Axe kept getting tripped by the strong currents in the lizardfolk village and rolling away.

The cheif of the village told them there is something wrong with the trees, then shadraque shouted. "I'm a druid!" and proceeded to "raise the roof" (which from then on was the druid dance)

Kobalds blew up an underground bridge so while everyone was trying to fight then shelly the 3 foot gnome decided she could jump the nine foot gap. Which she couldnt. But instead of letting her fall to her demise (which i probably shouldve) i let her have a reflex save to grap the other end if the gap that was four feet away.

This whole time our cleric is in no way healing anything and instead is practicing her skills at missing everything with her crossbow.

The mine turned out to be under the control of kobalds in servitude of a bugbear, attempting the harvest obsidian from the lavaflows. (we'll get back to that) the party fought the bugbear and it knocked nim into the negatives at which point everyone went bazerk but they were all missing. Then the cleric walks in. Everyone yells to heal nim.
Allea: i shoot the bugbear with my crossbow.
Everyones jaws dropped.
Allea the proceeded to crit the hell out of the bugbear and splatter its brains on the opposite wall. Only then did she heal the rogue.
About the lava. The kobald sorcerers couldnt help their bugbear master because if they stopped freezing the lava as it came out, the mine would flood with hot magma.

At which point, leo with the straightest face a person could make says. "i put a rock in the lavaflow."

Me:this isnt minecraft joe..

Then everyone argued for ten minutes until until realizing if they froze it (like the kobald right infront of them then it would block the flow with obsidian.

So thats all i'm willing to type on my phone for now. But they get funnier later so i'll be back whenever i have half a hour to blow. :)

[Yukitsu]

After a long hiatus, my campaign has finally started back up. Yays. :D

Me: You notice someone has jacked a complete pallet of food off the back of your truck.
Player 1: OK, well, they must have needed it more.

Later...

Me: Your pallet of food is back.
Player 1: What?
Me: Except they replaced all your processed food with fresh stuff. Packaging is still basically the same, so you've got some live tuna in really big cans. You can tell, because the can is moving around.
Player 2: What?
Me: Your instant noodles are now plastic wrapped packets of wheat and rice.
Player 1: I ...What?

Me: No, neither of you see anything.
Player 1: Does the Chinese zombie see anything?
Me: No?
Player 2: You didn't even roll.
Player 1: The paper.
Player 2: Oh, right.

[DontEatRawHagis]

In the last three or four game sessions our group has been in the same situations, a giant battle between Jedi and Dark Jedi. As a Wookie Smuggler I was given command of the Jedi Space Fleet. After the first two sessions I began to realize that my attacks did nothing to the ships.

Lo and behold that their shields had been cutting the damage I was doing in half, so in three rounds I crippled the ships by targeting their shield generators and engineering bays. I had three full squads of fighters to start with, at the end I had only two, one of which was at 2 HP.

The GM said the Jedi Council will probably fire me for my incompetence. I said, "I should charge them with incompetence. Giving a civilian command of military ships, they wanted their men to die."

[gools2014]

How my party beat D&D:

My party:
Me (human fighter)
Spencer (hobbit thief)
Murph (human fighter with 19 strength)
Aidan ( human magic user)
Jake (human cleric)
Nick (human ranger)
Gary (human cleric)
Matt (human druid, comes in later)

The story:
We stumbled upon a village (I forget the name), where the villagers feared going out into the lake because there was an island in the middle of the lake that was "cursed". We bought two ships and sailed out to this island to investigate. We had landed by what appeared to be an entrance to an underground complex somewhat close to shore. We were too scared to investigate, so we sent my "adopted son" Ash Ketchum (a little boy who joined up with us for adventure). As soon as Ash wandered near the entrance, he was shot by numerous arrows and let's just say he didn't get back up.

Our ranger decided we should "turtle" our shields to get into the complex. This plan ended up working surprisingly well, although a few arrows did get in. We got inside the dark complex and were getting shot by countless arrows. We managed to get to a room that was to our far left, and inside the room was a statue of what appeared to be a demon, and underneath that statue was a large amount of treasure. We went over to grab the treasure, but as we reached for it, a demon spawned in front of us. We were having a tough time both holding off the demon and holding the door shut. Our magic user finally decided it was worth it to use his fire wand to cast wall of fire. Murph and I stepped back, and we watched as the wall of fire surrounded the demon.

For five rounds, Murph and I were swinging our swords (his was a vampire sword and mine was a +4 fire sword) into the fire, only to find out that demon had turned to ashes within the first two rounds of it being in there. The treasure was disintegrated along with the demon, and after a tough battle, we decided to rest up. Whoever was on watch during this period of time has an uncontrollable urge to open the door, which he ended up doing, which brought in the 60+ pygmys that were outside. We ended up slaughtering all of them. We continued exploring to see if there was any more treasure, and we found a sarcophagus and a strange statue that were guarded by a mummy. We killed the mummy, took the statue and the sarcophagus, and left the island.

Next adventure, we had returned to that same village, except it was only myself, Aidan, Jake, and Matt (our druid). We decided to go back to the island with the help of Ol' Salty (a 87-year-old pirate that had been a pirate for 86 years). He took us in his Symphony of Seas (a small row boat), and we got there in an half hour as opposed to the two hours it took us last time. We searched the island for more treasure, but we only found the battleaxe that the mummy has used. Before we left the island, our druid befriended a badger (whose name I forget), and we took him back with us. When we returned to the villages, we told the village that we lifted the "curse" from the island. Ol' Salty gave us his ship the S.S. Garbage Dump (a giant flagship), and the mayor of the village offered us his daughter's hand in marriage. None of us wanted to decline the mayor's offer, so we decided that the badger should take his daughter's hand in marriage.

And that is the secret objective of D&D: to marry a badger to a woman. We all got 100 xp from this experience.

We later beat the DLC which is to have a zombie butler open and close a door, the zombie gaining 1 xp for pulling off such a difficult feat.

[Windy]

I have been following these kinds of threads here for a long time now, and I figured it was high time I registered to share some of the stories that have arisen from the antics of my own gaming group. I will let my first post relate a story from the first session I ever played.

~

Tabris was an aasimar sorcerer who found himself pressed into service by a secretive organization. Its agents traveled the planes, protecting them from evil. Tabris managed to take just enough levels in Fighter to get some nice proficiencies and bonus feats, and then took the rest of his levels in Sorcerer to gain spells. His main combat style was to charge his massive warhammer of spellstoring with Shocking Grasp or another lightning spell and use Arcane Strike to burn seldom-used higher spell slots for more to-hit and more damage. He was never quite as optimized as the rest of the party, but his increcible CHA stat combined with basically being Thor made him an intimidating foe in every battle.

On his first mission, the objective was fairly clear: find a particular orphanage and prevent evil minions from doing whatever it was they do at orphanages. Getting there proved to be a bit of a challenge, however, since the town guards found us out after curfew and demanded to see papers. The group's changeling decided to disguise himself as another guard and convince them to let us through. One of the dumber party members had different ideas. He proceeded to knock out the guards, and was almost ready to do in the changeling until another party member got him in a choke hold and talked him down by explaining that this new guard was their friend.

With the warm-up out of the way, we got to the orphanage. All was quiet and dark. We snuck in and prepared to evacuate the children from the impending attack using special portals back to headquarters. Everyone was assigned a room to rescue. Tabris opened his door and walked in. The DM said, "You walk in and find the room full of 14- to 16-year-old girls" Just as he finished the sentence, one of the players' cell phones blared out the victory fanfare from Final Fantasy VII.

~

Later in the campaign, the party had tracked its current target to a chamber deep beneath some castle. I think this was approaching 20th level, since we had started at 10 in the hopes of having an epic high-level campaign. The foe revealed himself and began the classic villain monologue. Tabris was not about to wait around for the full speech, however, and flew himself up out of the chamber through a hole in the roof directly above the villain.

The rest of the party thought Tabris had chickened out and started preparing for a vicious fight. Tabris, on the other hand, flew into a room of the castle and looked around for the heaviest object he could find. The DM informed me that the heaviest thing in the room was a huge painting of some noble woman and her child. Tabris hefted the painting off the wall, ran over to the hole in the floor, and leapt in.

The monologue was concluded; battle was about to be joined. The party raised its swords and wands. Suddenly they saw Tabris rocketing down out of the hole in the ceiling. He waited until the last possible second and then launched the painting directly at the villain's head. Tabris made his attack roll. Nat 20.

Our DM sat back and looked at me with the most wonderful expression of amazement and loathing. In the half-hour argument which followed, we tried to figure out the physics of such an attack, and what exactly should be rolled. Eventually the DM picked up a rather large number of dice and rolled for the attack. I received another look of disdain as he announced that I had just crit the BBEG for 50% of his HP.

Following the battle, the painting was repaired with Make Whole, and to this day it hangs in the ancestral family home of another of my characters.

[Doorhandle]

I have been following these kinds of threads here for a long time now, and I figured it was high time I registered to share some of the stories that have arisen from the antics of my own gaming group. I will let my first post relate a story from the first session I ever played.

~

Tabris was an aasimar sorcerer who found himself pressed into service by a secretive organization. Its agents traveled the planes, protecting them from evil. Tabris managed to take just enough levels in Fighter to get some nice proficiencies and bonus feats, and then took the rest of his levels in Sorcerer to gain spells. His main combat style was to charge his massive warhammer of spellstoring with Shocking Grasp or another lightning spell and use Arcane Strike to burn seldom-used higher spell slots for more to-hit and more damage. He was never quite as optimized as the rest of the party, but his increcible CHA stat combined with basically being Thor made him an intimidating foe in every battle.

On his first mission, the objective was fairly clear: find a particular orphanage and prevent evil minions from doing whatever it was they do at orphanages. Getting there proved to be a bit of a challenge, however, since the town guards found us out after curfew and demanded to see papers. The group's changeling decided to disguise himself as another guard and convince them to let us through. One of the dumber party members had different ideas. He proceeded to knock out the guards, and was almost ready to do in the changeling until another party member got him in a choke hold and talked him down by explaining that this new guard was their friend.

With the warm-up out of the way, we got to the orphanage. All was quiet and dark. We snuck in and prepared to evacuate the children from the impending attack using special portals back to headquarters. Everyone was assigned a room to rescue. Tabris opened his door and walked in. The DM said, "You walk in and find the room full of 14- to 16-year-old girls" Just as he finished the sentence, one of the players' cell phones blared out the victory fanfare from Final Fantasy VII.

~

Later in the campaign, the party had tracked its current target to a chamber deep beneath some castle. I think this was approaching 20th level, since we had started at 10 in the hopes of having an epic high-level campaign. The foe revealed himself and began the classic villain monologue. Tabris was not about to wait around for the full speech, however, and flew himself up out of the chamber through a hole in the roof directly above the villain.

The rest of the party thought Tabris had chickened out and started preparing for a vicious fight. Tabris, on the other hand, flew into a room of the castle and looked around for the heaviest object he could find. The DM informed me that the heaviest thing in the room was a huge painting of some noble woman and her child. Tabris hefted the painting off the wall, ran over to the hole in the floor, and leapt in.

The monologue was concluded; battle was about to be joined. The party raised its swords and wands. Suddenly they saw Tabris rocketing down out of the hole in the ceiling. He waited until the last possible second and then launched the painting directly at the villain's head. Tabris made his attack roll. Nat 20.

Our DM sat back and looked at me with the most wonderful expression of amazement and loathing. In the half-hour argument which followed, we tried to figure out the physics of such an attack, and what exactly should be rolled. Eventually the DM picked up a rather large number of dice and rolled for the attack. I received another look of disdain as he announced that I had just crit the BBEG for 50% of his HP.

Following the battle, the painting was repaired with Make Whole, and to this day it hangs in the ancestral family home of another of my characters.

Nice!
Personally, even if you don't touch the rest of pathfinder, you should use it's falling objects rules. It's slightly more sane.

[Windy]

Nice!
Personally, even if you don't touch the rest of pathfinder, you should use it's falling objects rules. It's slightly more sane.

Yes, we have since switched from 3.5 to Pathfinder, and despite initial resistance our DM now says he had no idea why he didn't switch us over earlier. Of course, this occurred a number of years ago and I'm not exactly sure when Pathfinder was released. My Core Rulebook is copyright 2009.

Anyway, here's another falling damage story:

The party had gone into epic levels, and in one particular battle we found ourselves facing off against three dragons. Tabris was sidelined because I wanted to try another character--Isaac the Bard, who didn't know that he could cast spells or even that magic existed; every spell was rolled randomly. It was his family that passed down the painting to my current character. But I digress.

So we're fighting three dragons. Or maybe it was four, but I don't have my notes. We stood atop a castle and took swipes at them as they flew by. It was looking to be a pretty nasty fight when Isaac and some other party members who were lagging behind in levels got squished when a tower collapsed (don't worry, the rest of the party brought us back!). The red dragon swooped around and made a diving attack straight at the party mage. She consulted her notes briefly, and then looked up at the DM and announced, "I cast Wall of Iron."

The DM replied, somewhat confused, "Okay, show me where you want it."

"I want it to be shaped like a giant spike pointing at the dragon's heart."

After yet another lengthy physics discussion, we agreed that the dragon could not possibly avoid the metal spike, given its velocity and momentum. It skewered itself on the spike, and though it wasn't enough to kill it, the move cost it a significant portion of its HP.

Seeing what had happened to the red dragon, a smaller black dragon decided it would be safer to land and carry out this attack on the ground. This was not a good decision. You see, another party member had acquired a ring that could summon an earth elemental anywhere within a given distance of the caster. He raised his hand and spoke the command word, and a living block of stone materialized... directly above the black dragon. Given the size and weight, the DM ruled that the dragon was simply squashed.

It was the best fight I've ever been killed in.

[Karoht]

Party goes to challenge the big bad of a dungeon, more or less fails due to some poor tactics and poor rolls. Tactical retreat time right?

Sort of.
The sorcerer gets around the corner and Polymorphs himself into a spider.
While the party is wondering where he is, he casts Greater Invisibility and Project Image on himself. So this Illusion of a Spider crawls it's way to the corner they just turned, and has line of sight/effect to the boss. The spider then crawls up the adjacent wall and huddles beside a lantern on the wall.

The party then comes back around the corner thinking the sorcerer is dead and vowing revenge, one of the party members spots the spider and squishes it.

:smallfrown:
Thankfully he squished the illusion and not the caster, but you get the idea.

[ReaderAt2046]

But when Fubear's foot should have connected with Nieve, a blue forcefield sprang up protecting her stomach, blocking the blow but sending Fubear and Nieve flying into the sky. This is how the party found out Nieve's secret that she was pregnant with Solaren's baby.




I sense a greater story here... Do tell!

[herberus]

Its been awhile since I've done a post but here it goes.

not sure if i have posted these 2 stories or not but the 1st one is a funny story and the 2nd one is a story that even to this day make me a little bit upset.

these are the characters.

Herberus the goblin necromancer wizard -me
boner skeletal minion *yes i named him boner*
Aust the dark elf ranger -Michael
Declan the half elf sorcerer -Tyler


1st story:
we have just finished taking over a big kingdom *we where all evil at that point* and we headed to the leader of the thieves guild, we already convinced the fighters guild and the mages guild.
the thieves guild leader was the easiest to convince since we just had to pay him gold as we where leaving he asked us "hey would you like to buy the balls of vecna" DM thinking no one would take this offer.
but i was the one who took the offer since i had infernal pact with improved Regeneration so i knew if i chopped off my balls i could reattach them or they would regenerate if the balls of vecna turned out to be fake. so i did just that i pulled up my robe and did the deed and as stunned as everyone was i was smiling.

2nd story:
this takes place right after story 1 at least i think it did its been awhile a man approaches us for a fetch quest i think it was to find someone but anyways it takes us to the top of a mountain.
where we see 2 jesters *we seen them before in our adventures* we start to get ready to roll our initiatives and then the DM says *they pull out 2 modern day guns and shoot you both in the head your dead* no reflex, no chance to fight them just dead.
now if we had a chance to fight them and died i wouldn't be upset but just not getting that chance made me upset. i don't know maybe I'm just making a big deal out of it let me know if i am or not?

[Sduser]

I wish I had more Funny stories than horror stories. The tales of woe from my group could fill a book. But... We do have one player that is the sole reason I keep putting my DM's hat on.. so to speak.

This player will be refered to as D, and has one quality to this day I swear he doesn't even realize. He can take any serious moment, any serious event, and immediatly be the reason every single bloody player is on the floor in stitches. I'll give you three events:

Story 1: Go to Sleep!
3.5, D is playing a Barbarian, party was resting before setting off to find the plot, more or less, when the Group Sorcerer was speaking to his former master while he believed A) No one was awake still, and B) the cover of night and the sounds of the nearby water wheel helped him keep his encounter a secret. The Former Master happened to be the BBEG of my campaign, and had one annoying ability that he could make basically make weak copies of himself that he could, at any time, control and speak through. So, as Mage and BBEC (C is for clone, pay attention!) Get into a heated debate, the Barbarian succesfully wakes up.

His course of action? He leans out the window, and yells to the two, "Hey! Shut the *** Up! Do you have any idea what time it is! Get your *** Inside now and go to sleep!"

The Mage, more or less done with the BBEC, goes inside, and the BBEC turns to leave. But... Nope.

D: "Hey! You! Where the **** Are you going?"
BBEC: "Me? PArdon?"
D: "I said get your *** Inside right now and go to sleep!"

This wasn't a joke. This was seriously him, in character. The BBEC stared at him for a few, not sure if he should take him serious or not, then began to walk off again. D picked up a chair from his room, threw it at the BBEC, and knocked him out. He then dragged the unconcious clone inside, and tucked him into bed. This is not a joke, this happened. When morning came, the BBEC was leaving because even he had no idea how to just walk out after being tucked in bed by the enemy.

D: "Hey! You! Aren't you going to say anything!?"
BBEC: "Say... Excuse me?"
D: "Where the **** are your manners!? You stayed the night and can't even say thank you!"
BBEC: "...Thank You."

To this day, whenever a player is obviously putting off sleep to do anything, D will raise a chair as our group's own little meme.

Story 2: Vegetarian
Same game, same party, same day, same everything save for they had moved onward to a town that was being attacked nonstop by Wererats. The Barbarian had been away for an hour IRL for random reasons, and just now returned. The party had been spending time working out how they were going to sneak around the Wererats to get to their domain and basically "Purge the Wicked."

D gets up, walks outside the shack they are hiding in, the party flabbergasted, and yells out to the wererats, "If you don't leave us the **** I'm going to make each and every single one of you a Vegetarian!"

It took me a moment to register that he was threatening them. Like, using that as a valid threat. To enforce it, the first wererat that attacked him, he said "Called shot to the face, I want to break his teeth." Crit. The rat's teeth were shattered. Suddenly, vegetarianism became a threat. Gog help us all.

Story 3: Knock, Knock
Same game, same party, new dungeon. They were looking through what was basically just a big library full of curses, dangers, and wayward magic. BBEG, not a clone this time, locked D in a room with... I forget the monster, but it was a downhill battle that he won. He told me he wanted to rip the door off it's handles and keep it with him.

He kept that door on his person ALL GAME until the encounter with the BBEG. Fast forward three IRL months, they walk into the BBEG's throne room as he began to monologue. D's face went from the apathetic one we had grown used to into one of fury as he just calmly walked up to the BBEG, slammed the door into him, and said "I'm going to shove this door up your *** and knock on your Kidneys to see if you're home!"

We had to wait 20 minutes to begin the actual combat because I could not stop laughing at the sheer amount of win that the events of three months ago had led up to.

I wish I had more, but I mostly have tales of horror and what would be appropriate for a "Bad Player" thread :P

[Doorhandle]

I wish I had more Funny stories than horror stories. The tales of woe from my group could fill a book. But... We do have one player that is the sole reason I keep putting my DM's hat on.. so to speak.

This player will be refered to as D, and has one quality to this day I swear he doesn't even realize. He can take any serious moment, any serious event, and immediatly be the reason every single bloody player is on the floor in stitches. I'll give you three events:

Story 1: Go to Sleep!
3.5, D is playing a Barbarian, party was resting before setting off to find the plot, more or less, when the Group Sorcerer was speaking to his former master while he believed A) No one was awake still, and B) the cover of night and the sounds of the nearby water wheel helped him keep his encounter a secret. The Former Master happened to be the BBEG of my campaign, and had one annoying ability that he could make basically make weak copies of himself that he could, at any time, control and speak through. So, as Mage and BBEC (C is for clone, pay attention!) Get into a heated debate, the Barbarian succesfully wakes up.

His course of action? He leans out the window, and yells to the two, "Hey! Shut the *** Up! Do you have any idea what time it is! Get your *** Inside now and go to sleep!"

The Mage, more or less done with the BBEC, goes inside, and the BBEC turns to leave. But... Nope.

D: "Hey! You! Where the **** Are you going?"
BBEC: "Me? PArdon?"
D: "I said get your *** Inside right now and go to sleep!"

This wasn't a joke. This was seriously him, in character. The BBEC stared at him for a few, not sure if he should take him serious or not, then began to walk off again. D picked up a chair from his room, threw it at the BBEC, and knocked him out. He then dragged the unconcious clone inside, and tucked him into bed. This is not a joke, this happened. When morning came, the BBEC was leaving because even he had no idea how to just walk out after being tucked in bed by the enemy.

D: "Hey! You! Aren't you going to say anything!?"
BBEC: "Say... Excuse me?"
D: "Where the **** are your manners!? You stayed the night and can't even say thank you!"
BBEC: "...Thank You."

To this day, whenever a player is obviously putting off sleep to do anything, D will raise a chair as our group's own little meme.

Story 2: Vegetarian
Same game, same party, same day, same everything save for they had moved onward to a town that was being attacked nonstop by Wererats. The Barbarian had been away for an hour IRL for random reasons, and just now returned. The party had been spending time working out how they were going to sneak around the Wererats to get to their domain and basically "Purge the Wicked."

D gets up, walks outside the shack they are hiding in, the party flabbergasted, and yells out to the wererats, "If you don't leave us the **** I'm going to make each and every single one of you a Vegetarian!"

It took me a moment to register that he was threatening them. Like, using that as a valid threat. To enforce it, the first wererat that attacked him, he said "Called shot to the face, I want to break his teeth." Crit. The rat's teeth were shattered. Suddenly, vegetarianism became a threat. Gog help us all.

Story 3: Knock, Knock
Same game, same party, new dungeon. They were looking through what was basically just a big library full of curses, dangers, and wayward magic. BBEG, not a clone this time, locked D in a room with... I forget the monster, but it was a downhill battle that he won. He told me he wanted to rip the door off it's handles and keep it with him.

He kept that door on his person ALL GAME until the encounter with the BBEG. Fast forward three IRL months, they walk into the BBEG's throne room as he began to monologue. D's face went from the apathetic one we had grown used to into one of fury as he just calmly walked up to the BBEG, slammed the door into him, and said "I'm going to shove this door up your *** and knock on your Kidneys to see if you're home!"

We had to wait 20 minutes to begin the actual combat because I could not stop laughing at the sheer amount of win that the events of three months ago had led up to.

I wish I had more, but I mostly have tales of horror and what would be appropriate for a "Bad Player" thread :P

D: Comic relief, or BADASS relief?

[Sduser]

D: Comic relief, or BADASS relief?

In the years I've played, ran, and read about various RPGS, I've never once heard of a player using the same door the BBEG locked them in a room with to beat the BBEG during his monologue.

Whats worse is in my Shadowrun campaign he's playing pretty much the same character as in the DND game. I'm expecting him to give me a heart attack this time.

[Razgriez]

Oh, yeah. My group did that once. After finding an ancient map in a cursed library, a few weeks of travelling, a difficult fight, a riddle contest against a sphinx and sneaking past a gigantic dragon, they finally find the magic crystal they are looking for, one of only three left in the world.
The party begins to examine it.
Fighter: "I hit it with my sword, to see if I can chip it!"
DM (me): "Sure?"
Fighter: "Yeah!"
DM: "Okay... your weapon is spell-storing, right?"
Fighter: "Ooh shhhh..."
DM: "And you had shatter stored in there, right?"
Party: :smallmad:

Real Killer DMs: Giving the party all the tools they need/want, so that they end up doing all the wrong things at all the right times, for your Evil amusement :smallamused:

[Kaww]

D&D 3.5, during character creation a woman I play with rolled decent stats and a 6. Her original idea was to play a halfling archer and dump strength. Then she realized she would hardly be able to move if she picks up a stick, let alone any kind of bow or crossbow.

She ponders on how to reassign her stats for five minutes and then says: "I got it! I can move!"
"Are you stupid?" Another player asks.
"No." She replies.
"Are you insane?" He tries again.
"No."
"Are you ugly?" He makes his last guess, since he knows she wants to play an archer and is experienced enough not to dump constitution.
"No."
"What then?" He asks, not even trying to hide the confusion in his voice.
"I'm a dwarf." She says in zen calm and everyone bursts into laughter.

[newBlazingAngel]

We've finally finished our first adventure after about 6-7 half hour or less sessions. Highlights up until this point:

Discovering that the trapped door that shoots knockout poison at you has a false knob, and opens like a sliding glass door.

My character nearly having his head ripped off by a zombie hanging from a chain.

A character, who is completely blind for a poison dart in the eye, grabbing onto one of the chains, ripping it out of the ceiling and whipping it around him Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle style. This action happened to pull the exact chain required to open the door.

The rest of the group considering throwing my stabilized at zero health body into some ooze that closing in around us to see what would happen. (Luckily they ended up giving me a healing potion they found)

Of roughly ten people, only four escaped that ooze room, because getting out involved jumping from a wooden plank leaning against a stone cylinder to a door fifteen feet off the ground. (The cylinder and the plank were holding down separate pressure plates, and the ooze was too close for any other options.)

The first person made it across no problem. So we decide to be a smart idea to toss him some rope, so if we fail, we can still hold the rope. I'm next. Terrible failure to jump, and climb up the rope, so barely holding on. No problem right? The other guy can just pull me up? No. He decides not to risk it and drops me.

The guy died the very next turn attempting to save the very next person.

After many very similar deaths, the dream team is in this new room. A sorcerer, a wizard, and two people with undefined classes. (free form roleplaying) The room has racks of weapons so they each take their pick/ With a lucky search the undefined class who appeared to be leader found a crossbow and a grappling hook. Sorcerer grabs a spear. Other undefined grabs a dagger and shield. Wizard takes a quarterstaff. The sorceror took a second search and managed to find a shield made of obsidian.

The next door is locked, so after some careful and logical thinking, they smash it to pieces.

Then, they saw a shadow of a dragon from around a bend in the hallway.

More tomorrow.

[Reathin]

One of my very old campaigns, I had a pretty basic story where a villain had stolen a considerable chunk of his former goddess' powers. The goddess in question, whose name now escapes me, ruled over decay and offered immortality and other goodies to the players in exchange for hunting him down before he could actually "internalize" the power he'd manage to take. She was only really capable of acting in a single temple and couldn't empower her clerics to help out. The end result was a race to acquire a few macguffins. Fairly standard stuff. Not one of my best campaigns, but I really enjoyed the dungeons I managed to design for it.

Turns out though, that they liked the "villain" more than their employer. They figured they had no real qualm with him and, to quote Brick, the fighter: "He didn't steal my sword". He had been attempting to kill her when she talked down to him, and she'd teleported his sword away. Slightly taken aback, I continued from there, bemused at the turn of events. Never underestimate player characters.


In another campaign, one that I was a player in, my character was a gung-ho cleric of Talos, the Stormlord. I loved playing her over-the-top nature, with lightning being the go-to solution for most problems and trying to one up each adventure they went on (which was pretty hard. We ended up blowing up two mountains [at level 3] in as many sessions). She has a MASSIVE prejudice against druids. Hated them completely and utterly, spits when they're mentioned, goes out of her way to insult them etc. The other players don't know WHY just yet, but they realized pretty quickly how much she loathes them. We end up in a druidic region when trying to sneak up on an enemy nation's industrial complex. This was supposed to be as simple as walking down a road, but oh boy, did it get interesting. First, we cut through the forest alongside the road to avoid being spotted. When we had to leave, my character tried to lightning-down a tree that was in the way, which got them in a huff. We basically got conscripted into...something, can't remember what now, given what came next. We ended up ambushing an enemy caravan, killing everything. We knew it was heading for a nearby military fort, at which point I was struck by inspiration. Using an illusion ring we had from earlier in the game, I disguised myself as the commander after grabbing his fireball spewing blunderbuss, made my way to the enemy base and, after being questioned by terrified recruits what had happened, claimed "damned druids....attacked us". A little more effort, and I'd started a war between the two. It was GLORIOUS. We eventually moved on to the enemy weapon development area. Turns out they had managed to mass-breed red dragons and control them using magic rings. They started as eggs, bug magically grew into adolessence when needed.

We took over a thousand of them, stealing an enemy caravan to do so.

Oh, and on our way back, I buzzed the enemy base, screaming nature-themed battlecries in order to keep the war going. Sadly, our home nation confiscated our portable dragon army, but it was the most fun I've had in RPing in ages.

And for some out of context quotes from that second campaign:
1. Damn druids!
2. I remove the bananas from my inventory
3. Death to those who threaten Nature!
4. Aside from the psychological horror of eating her own young...
5. Actually I think you're saying "BWAHGAHAHGHA!"
6. Fighter Player: Is that a nine or a six?
DM: "It's a d6..."
7. Find a dwarf, blame the druids
8. DM: "You wake up in the drunk tank"
Fighter: I AM THE DRUNK TANK!
9. "The whirlpool uses its action to SWIRRRRL."
10. You pick the pocket of truth.

[Henry the 57th]

My RL gaming group was playing a game of Black Crusade. We had been going with one set of characters for a few months, and so were nearing the end of our tenure as humans. Infamy and Corruption were sky-high. For this story, all you really need to know is that our GM decided we'd hit Daemonhood at 90 Infamy and 100 Corruption. Harkor, our resident Khorne Beserker, was at 102 Infamy, 97 Corruption. Nearing Apotheosis, in other words.

Anywho, the group was leading a space assault against an Imperial fortress world. We had boarded an enemy battleship, and had finally run down a fleeing Inquisitor (a long-time nemesis) in a hanger bay that had been exposed to the vacuum of space. Naturally, we all had power armor, breathing gear, or appropriate mutations to survive, so we were just fine.

Harkor and the rest of us (a sorcerer, champion, and heretek) did battle with the Inquisitor and retinue in the airless hanger bay. Harkor, naturally, used frenzy. As always, the psychotic berserker ran around chopping evrything that we didnt like to piece with his dual power axes. Eventually, we won. Harkor tested to snap out of frenzy now that combat was over. He failed.

"It's ok," we thought, "We have some minions around for him to attack first, and we're big boys anyway. We can take a few hits."

GM: I'll let ou decide. Who does Harkor attack next?
Harkor: Hmmm... Can he see any enemy ships from here?
GM (not getting it): Yeah, I guess. Why?
Harkor: He attacks that!
GM: What?!
Harkor: He runs to the edge of the docking bay and leaps into space towards the nearest ship, waving his axes and screaming.
GM (obviously befuddled): Ummm...
Harkor: YAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!! (He liked to do a pirate accent when talking IC)

The GM sat still for a minute and thought about it. Finally, he ruled that Harkor's act of mindless, enraged aggression was so purely Khornate that the Blood God himself took notice and rewarded Harkor by granting him the last 3 Corruption he needed to ascend on the way to the enemy ship. The party watched as an enemy cruiser was single-handedly torn apart from within by a psychotic daemon prince. Harkor's player said he couldn't think of a better way for him to go.

[Henry the 57th]

Did I accidentally kill this thread? :smalleek:

[Paragon468]

My first time playing Star Wars my party found itself defending a Jedi enclave from a dozen or so Dark Jedi. We ended up walking in on about half of them as they were fighting the Padawans. When my turn came around... Well...

Me: I, uh... Well I guess I use Force Grip on the one that just moved towards me.
GM: Okay-
Me: On his nuts! Yeah, that sounds good!
GM: But... What?
Me: You heard me.
GM: Okay... roll.
Me: *rolls natural 20* *max damage*

I had taken Triple Crit, so my damage was tripled, and... Well if I had divided that damage among all the enemies in the encounter, the battle would have been over. Twas quite a fun night.

[Dave Halfbreed]

Ooh! I love these! Part of my interest for RPGs comes from the web show "Counter Monkey"

[Windy]

In another session of the campaign I described earlier, the party found itself venturing into the Underdark. Our travels took us to underground cities built on the shores of eternally-dark seas, and more than once we found ourselves taking the "long way around" because there were no proper ships to take us. Then one day we encountered The Captain.

The Captain was a swarthy swashbuckler. He commanded a fine ship--the finest on all the sunless seas! Never mind that it was the only such ship down there... Or that he was a dwarf who couldn't swim... Or that he'd learned everything he knew about sailing from a book. The fearless crew had been sailing this ship for a while now, having found it inexplicably run aground and abandoned on the shore of that sea. Being dwarves, they didn't know much about wood but they did know a thing or two about masonry! Any time the ship was damaged (likely by their own bungling) the wound was repaired with stone. As our party entered the scene, the ship was noticeably listing to one side due to the heavy stone patches in the hull.

There's not really much of a punchline to this one, but to this day someone will occasionally bring up The Captain and get a good laugh out of everyone. For all we know, he's still sailing around down there, pillaging ports and assigning his best masons to plug the leaks.

[Guizonde]

i don't have the time to post the real funny things that happened in our (put on hiatus WHFRP) campaign, but just rolling the characters makes for a great tale.

Redhead: DM
Shotgun: PC
Me: PC

the setup:
5am, roaring drunk, the 3 survivors of a party, and thinking it'd be funny to try warhammer. Red' has been wargaming fantasy for a long time, and i played 40k for years. Shotgun had no idea what he'd be up against, but he rolled with it.

Red': ok, i'll dm. any idea what kind of character you guys wanna play?
Me: i wanna play a chameleon skink! with a blowgun!
Shotgun: you know discworld's rincewind?
Red': yeah...?
Shotgun: like that, but more incompetent.
Red' and me: what.
Red': ok... we'll sober up and figure out how that works.
[1 week later]

Red': ok, here's your (my) profile: skaven night runner, and here are blowgun rules... you are functionnally invisible(sigh). you get 11 wounds, and no fate points.
me: yay!
Red': shotgun? here's your profile for spells. (gives the rod of wonder chart)
Shotgun: i am the greatest magician in the world! (evil laugh)
me: we're playing in Nuln, right?
Red': about that. here's your backstory. you spawned in albion (something about chaos storms receding and lizardman spawn pits appearing). Shotgun's character travelled with his dad to cathay to get his half-brother, then to albion. by dipping his hand in a spawn pit, you bit his hand, and you think he's your mommy.
me: i can roll with that. i think...
Shotgun: mommy knows best, "snack"

yup, i play a loyal pet, nicknamed snack (i'm a pet, i don't get names)

the party with nationalities now, i'll post the rest of the story later:

Me: Snack, chameleon skink poisoner (think nightrunner with uber invisibility) (lizardman, born in albion) (Dorkenmeinen's loyal pet)
Shotgun: Dorkenmeinen, self-proclaimed greatest magician in the world (he isn't) (human, born in altdorf)
Arthur: Don Diego de Castilla de Hispaniola de la joka's been on long enough de joder, Estalian Diestro (estalian human)
Tristan: TsingTao: cathayan surgeon cook, (cathay human), Dorkenmeinen's brother.

this WAS the logical part. unrelated, but the dm's not allowed to launch a campaign drunk ever again. he said so himself.

[Razgriez]

My RL gaming group was playing a game of Black Crusade. We had been going with one set of characters for a few months, and so were nearing the end of our tenure as humans. Infamy and Corruption were sky-high. For this story, all you really need to know is that our GM decided we'd hit Daemonhood at 90 Infamy and 100 Corruption. Harkor, our resident Khorne Beserker, was at 102 Infamy, 97 Corruption. Nearing Apotheosis, in other words.

Anywho, the group was leading a space assault against an Imperial fortress world. We had boarded an enemy battleship, and had finally run down a fleeing Inquisitor (a long-time nemesis) in a hanger bay that had been exposed to the vacuum of space. Naturally, we all had power armor, breathing gear, or appropriate mutations to survive, so we were just fine.

Harkor and the rest of us (a sorcerer, champion, and heretek) did battle with the Inquisitor and retinue in the airless hanger bay. Harkor, naturally, used frenzy. As always, the psychotic berserker ran around chopping evrything that we didnt like to piece with his dual power axes. Eventually, we won. Harkor tested to snap out of frenzy now that combat was over. He failed.

"It's ok," we thought, "We have some minions around for him to attack first, and we're big boys anyway. We can take a few hits."

GM: I'll let ou decide. Who does Harkor attack next?
Harkor: Hmmm... Can he see any enemy ships from here?
GM (not getting it): Yeah, I guess. Why?
Harkor: He attacks that!
GM: What?!
Harkor: He runs to the edge of the docking bay and leaps into space towards the nearest ship, waving his axes and screaming.
GM (obviously befuddled): Ummm...
Harkor: YAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!! (He liked to do a pirate accent when talking IC)

The GM sat still for a minute and thought about it. Finally, he ruled that Harkor's act of mindless, enraged aggression was so purely Khornate that the Blood God himself took notice and rewarded Harkor by granting him the last 3 Corruption he needed to ascend on the way to the enemy ship. The party watched as an enemy cruiser was single-handedly torn apart from within by a psychotic daemon prince. Harkor's player said he couldn't think of a better way for him to go.

I think it was a combination of the holidays, and also because it's hard to top that!.


Anyways, I have one I remember.

Way at the beginning of 2012, I was in a Red Hand of Doom campaign for the first time. (I was a Monk of Bahumet)

Now, veterans of the module, will know where I'm talking about. There's a spot early on, which takes advantages of a veteran adventurer's instincts. The instincts to go about poking and prodding everything for traps, treasure, and EXP points. This is something everyone does after level 2, because at level two, the party got careless, and the 2d4 Mage ate a 2d6 trap to the face that one time, and we aren't going to be repeating that again. So you scan the area, top to bottom.

This area also happens to be in enemy territory. Now of course, the party is also trying to sneak in. I'm someone with really high sneak stats and skills, and speedy movement, perfect for moving cover to cover.. Besides, it's the outdoors, so it's not like I'm really going to need a Rogues' trap expertise. I find a structure, and duck into it.


several, really bad dice rolls latter...


DM: "The Structure collapses around and onto you. You suffer a moderate amount of damage, and both the collapsing of the building, your efforts to free your self, generate A LOT of noise.
Me: "Ow"
DM: "As you dust your self off and stand back up, you can see clearly the Hobgoblins on the parapet walls, are looking at the source of the noise, and most certainly at you."
Me: "I stand still, and spread my arms out wide, and don't move."
DM: "uhm.. what?:smallconfused: You can't hide, they're on high alert, and you most certainly don't have Hide in Plain sight. So what are you...
Me: *In character shouting to the Hobgoblins, while rolling the d20* "I'm a tree, I'm tree. I'm a tree.... really, I'm a tree!".

Another highlight:
-The party fighter kills an Owl bear early on, hires on a constantly drunk dwarf to carry it around as her herald, and even dresses the owlbear up in fancy clothing and gives it a name.

[Henry the 57th]

Playing Dark Heresy.

The cast:

Alicia: Our resident Sororita/Gun Nun. ALWAYS ANGRY, ALL THE TIME!

Kyras: Our Noble-Born Adept. Made a running gag of hitting on every attractive female in his proximity. Including Alicia, which only made her angrier.

Regis: Feral World Guardsman. Had a pathological obssesion with blowing things up with explosives.

Gunther: Our Tech Priest, who had been pretty much dumped on the Inquisition for being unorthodox and lazy about his devotions.

Hastus: Our Cleric, played by yours truly. Heard voices of his dead colleagues, thanks to excessive time spent in the presence of Things That Should Not Be Seen.

The setup:

We were assigned to do some investigating on a recent string of terrorist attacks afflicting Scintilla. The common pattern was either a remote-detonated explosive or a suicide assault squad of drugged-up lunatics with chainswords and a desire to slaughter everything around them until dead. We got a lead on where they might strike next, and set up a stakeout. Sure enough, after two days of waiting around, we saw a vehicle deposit some crazy guys in the area for a murdering spree. We had to do some Command checks against Alicia to convince her to leave the loonies to the Arbites and chase the vehicle in our own, but we did. We pursued the vehicle for well over an hour (with Gunther passing some truly admirable Drive checks along the way). Eventually, they led us to their hideout. Turns out they were with the Pilgrims of Hayte. We botched our checks to sneak in undetected, and a firefight broke out.

The story:

GM: Ok, roll initiative. *we do, Alicia and Regis, cultists 1 and 2, then Gunther, cultist 3, then Hastus, cultists 5, 6, and 7, then Kyras.

Alicia: I aim and shoot [Cultist 6] with my bolter. *rolls, blows his unarmored hand off*

Regis: I take cover and throw a frag grenade. *rolls, hits Cultist 2, doesn't quite kill him*

GM: Ok, their turn. *Cultists 1 and 2 shoot Alicia, taking most of her wounds.*

Gunther: I take cover and shoot [Cultist 2] with my autogun. *rolls, takes him down*

GM: Gotcha. *Cultist 3 shoots at Gunther, cover protects him*

Me: I take cover and lob a frag grenade at [Cultist 5]. *rolls, 7 and 10. RH, confirms, rolls 8. Cultist 5 goes down.*

GM: Ok. *Cultist 5 is dead, Cultist 6 is missing a hand, Cultist 7 charges me with a chainsword, I fail to dodge and go into criticals.*

Kyras: I'm useless in this fight. I run and hide in a closet.

All: *burst out laughing*


"I run and hide in a closet." has since become a group in-joke, which we say whenever we're trying to get away from anything.

But that's nothing compared to what happened when Kyras accidentally ran across the (female) False Prophet in another session.

[Henry the 57th]

Continued:

The cast:

The same, but Hastus has an augementic arm now, while Alicia has lost her eye and managed to obtain a best craftsmanship cybernetic eye to replace it.

The setup:

We had finally tracked down the home base of the Pilgrims of Hayte and were leading a big posse of Inquisition boys to purge it of heretic scum. We got into another mass firefight and, as was now expected, Kyras ran off. Keep in mind that throughout the story, we were desperately battling this lady's minions just a room or two over.

The story:

GM: Ok, there's several doors. Which way do you go?

Kyras: Further into the hideout.

Alicia (OOC): Dude, I don't think that's a good idea.

Kyras (OOC): I'll be fine. I hide out somewhere, they'll all rush past me to fight you guys, and I'll sneak in and ruin their Daemonoculus [A Big Evil Thing of Doom we'd been chasing for a while] before it does something horrible.

Regis (OOC): Why would it do that?

Kyras (OOC): It's supposed to be Khornate or something. We're having a battle, and they love that ****. Dunno what it might do.

Alicia (OOC): Point.

GM: Ok, now that that's settled, Kyras runs right around the corner and *rolls behind screen, predatory grin* a young-looking woman in robes and a mask. You recognize her as the False Prophet you've seen in pict-captures.

Kyras (OOC): Oh ****.

GM: *grins*

Kyras: Hey there baby. What's a pretty little thing like you doing around these parts? *Charm test, succeeds*

GM: *Willpower test, fails* She looks at you curiously and says, "I am the Prophetess Thesalina of the Pilgrims of Hayte. I go to show the dogs of the Flase Emperor the futility of their resistance."

Kyras: Well, I'm Kyras. And I think there are better things you could be doing. *Charm test, success*

GM: *Willpower test. fails* She replies questioningly, "Like what?"

Kyras: *raising eyebrows and smiling suggestively* Oh, things. *Charm test, critical success*

GM: *Willpower test, critical failure, facepalms and shakes head* She grabs you on the spot and pulls you close, lips locking with yours.

Several minutes pass as we simulate the massive battle going on in the next room. Countless red shirts, some notable NPCs, Gunther, and myself all die. Regis is in the criticals and unconscious, while Alicia has only 3 wounds left and no fate points to spend. Nonetheless, she acts her part and leads the remaining troopers charging down the same way Kyras came.

She rounds the corner only to find Kyras and the False Prophet locked in passionate sex. Her reaction to this was perfectly in-character.

Kyras: *notices the group* Wait, this isn't what it looks like!

Alicia: Consorting with heretics is heresy!

Kyras: But I was just-

Alicia: HERESY!!! *sets both of them on fire with her flamer*

[Guizonde]

Alicia: HERESY!!! *sets both of them on fire with her flamer*
[/SPOILER]

that must have been awesome to witness!

i'll finish my setup now:

the party:
Me: Snack, chameleon skink poisoner (think nightrunner with uber invisibility) (lizardman, born in albion) (Dorkenmeinen's loyal pet)
Shotgun: Dorkenmeinen, self-proclaimed greatest magician in the world (he isn't) (human, born in altdorf)
Arthur: Don Diego de Castilla de Hispaniola de la joka's been on long enough de joder de thankyouverymuchamigo de la vega, Estalian Diestro (estalian human)
Tristan: TsingTao: cathayan surgeon cook, (cathay human), Dorkenmeinen's brother.

our dm took the sewer cleaning option to start the campaign. so we find ourselves in front of a visibly hungover sargeant telling us to mop up some mutants down there.
why do we agree? i mean, there's an apprentice magician, a cook, a poisoner and a duellist. simple really: the dorkenmeinen is looking for his master but needs money to stay in nuln. where he goes, me and his brother go. the duellist ravished (slightly) the elector countess' daughter and is keeping a low profile.

meet the protagonists:
i see the sewer opening and go in recon, slipping away from my cloak. the diestro doesn't notice me going down head first. nothing to report. i climb back up.

Don Diego: #@!* who do you think you are to insult me?! i challenge you to a fight! *draws rapier*
"Mama" dorkenmeinen: ooc: i cast a spell! (rolled on rod of wonders chart... blindness in a 30 foot radius) ic: the winds of magic seem to be confused right now. (sits down and lights his pipe)
Diego: where are you?! i kill you to death! *swings rapier, misses me by a half-inch*
we wait one hour, the spell finishes. Diego punches out mama, laying him out for one hour.
by this point, the dm, me, and the cook are understandably bored. we calculate that the fisticuffs of the two cost us 6 hours in-game. that was the start of the looniness.

the sewers (finally):
we finally head down to the sewers where i reveal myself to diego. he sees me no sweat, and freaks out.
diego: what in myrmidia's name is that!?! i kill it to death! (swings, misses me by a half-inch... again)
mama: that is my dog.
diego: no way! that's a mutant and it needs to die!
mama: he's sent by the gods. he's a divine dog.
diego: ooc: what.
dm: roll bluff.
mama: 1 (huge smile on his face)
dm: counter-roll, diestro?
diego: 100 :smallannoyed:
dm: not only do you believe him, but now you're convinced he's an envoy of the gods and you'll do everything to protect him, even if he terrifies you.
diego: :smallfurious: (ooc curse in spanish)

after we get a torch (mama lighting diego's rapier with a spell, with the obligatory griping), i set off by swimming in the sewers. getting promptly attacked by rat swarms, we scrag 'em, although diego lost a fate point after choking on a rat.
going back in the water, i swim on up and hear a roar and thumps. failing comically my terror test, i swim back so fast i leave a wake, alerting 4 mutants. (one cyclops, one hairy, one with a tentacle, and a morbidly fat one)

mama: i'll hit the cyclops with my sword. (misses) ok, i'll kick it.
all: 0.o
mama: 10, 10, 10, 9
dm: you kicked its leg off!
diego: i attack the hairy one. (crit with a rapier)
dm: you... uh, don't ask how that works, but you ripped his arm off. with a rapier. what are you guys?!
me: i shoot the fat guy (rolls and hits)
dm: ok, he's not slowing down and heading towards you in the water.
me: *bad words*
mama: don't worry, snack! i'll cast a spell to save you!
all: no!
he casts a spell, alright. invisibility on the fatguy. a bluff test means we're all mesmerized and convinced he disintegrated it.
we finish off the mutant. suddenly,
dm: snack? roll an agility test
me: 74? *scared grin*
dm: you take 8 damage and go flying through the air
me: for that price, can i comically flop like a fish screaming "mama!"?
dm: yup.

scrag the fatguy. what happened?
mama: his spirit was angry he got disintegrated, so this was his psychic echo through the winds of magic.
perfect. bluff test. again!

part the third, in which we become heavyweights:
we then go back to find the countess elector to tell her that there is "chaos" (please, imagine this said with wild-eyes and fear) in the sewers and we need the town guard.

mama: can we see the countess, madam?
nuln's battlemage: no. you stink, you wear a stupid hat, i don't know who the hell you are.
mama: i'm dorkenmeinen, greatest magician in the world.
mage: you? from what college?
mama: *thinking fast* um, the college of life?
mage: prove it.

by this point, we're used to having crazy dangerous effects from his spells. so the players await the inevitable... he casts his spell, and the entire hallway gets covered in grasses and butterflies. we take the mage to the sewers, to show her "the chaos presence".

mage: there are only 3 mutants. where is the 4th?
mama: i disintegrated it.
mage: quit mocking me! i'm an imperial battle mage from the college of fire! you are an impostor and don't know what you are talking about!
mama: i cast a spell.

even our characters facepalmed.

do you know the characteristics of the "become etherial" effect ? an inanimate object no bigger than 5 by 5 ft is made etherial. invisible in the present dimension.

the dm was rolling, when he told us the rock disappeared, we yelled railroad. turns out this is an effect of the rod of wonders, and a 1 in 50 chance. functionnally, he disintegrated a rock in front of a mage so powerful she melted rock just by yelling at dorkenmeinen (terror check results: the cook passes out, i go hide in the riverbed, the diestro wets himself and pukes simultaneously. dorkenmeinen? raises a friggin' eyebrow)

bye bye rock, hello respect.

although this is a fast account, believe me when i say that i cut most quibbling, including dorkenmeinen arguing with his brother in "cathayan" (a really bad pseudo-asian accent, nigh-incomprehensible to the dm and me) about dorkenmeinen's bowler hat, and eating me as extra rations (no relation to excel saga)

this is just the start from memory. i'll find my notes and post the epic battle where we get the guardhouse to fall on us, and end up fighting a DAEMON OF CHAOS!! PANIC!! which was as ludicrous as that overreaction. and the ham-wagering, the rock-staresque hotel room trashing, and the diestro who confirms the running gag of missing my head by a half-inch another 4 times. if you're interested, i'll post the rest of dorkenmeinen's epic wins (increasingly ludicrous bluff checks, convincing me notably that i, in fact, am the emergency rations) and epic fails (it always starts with "i cast" and ends with "a spell")

[ManInOrange]

So this is my first campaign ever, and my DM was quite inexperienced. None of us really knew the rules, but that probably made it better.


(I don't remember this character's name.)
Me: *casting spells at mummies like a boss*
Party: *doing party stuff*
DM: This mummy *grabbing a token* reaches toward you *die roll* and grips your shoulder. Make a fortitude save.
Me: *rolls natural 20*
DM: Hm.... his arm flies off.
Me: "Hey everyone! I dis'armed' it!"

After the encounter, I went back and picked up the mummy's arm. I put it in my backpack, and just left the hand sticking out. In a later encounter, I pulled it out and hit someone with it, asking the DM if it was an un'armed' strike.

This is a campaign which I was running which was actually fairly recent. I love recounting this tale to my friends so they will know to actually think things through.
Mark(PC): Half-Dragon, poorly-built sorceror/fighter-dude
Gurr(PC): Goliath Barbarian
Ana(PC): Cleric of Alcina, a N/E goddess of Death
Bill(NPC): Elf Ranger tracker for hire
Ancho(NPC): Elf Ranger tracker for hire

Note: This is the first campaign for Ana, one of a few for Gurr, and one of many for Mark. He should have known better.

Long plot cut short, the PCs were hiking up a mountain to a necromancer's lair. They see a house further up the trail, about a half-mile away.

They fight a trench full of zombies
They encounter the necromancer himself outside
The necromancer used Blindness on Bill and Ancho
The necromancer used ray of enfeeblement on Mark, rolling a 6, paralyzing him. (I didn't know about the minimum of 1 STR clause at the time.)
The necromancer used a poisoned dagger to damage Gurr's DEX, paralyzing him as well.
Reduced to 0 hitpoints, rather than trying to retreat, the necromancer decides to be evil and cast a spell on Ana, eventually dying as a result.


What more convincing does one need that this guy was a tricky and evil dude?

blah blah blah, people get restored before approaching his house again.
So I tell them that they get to the place where the battle took place, and I tell them they see the house:

Me: What do you do now?
Mark: We go into the house.
Me: How? The house is way up the hill.
Mark: Well, then we go up to the house.
Me: Make a spot check.
Mark: /fails
Me: You step on a cleverly-hidden caltrop and take *rolls* damage.
Ana: /healz
Mark: Okay, now we go into the house.
Ana: /facepalm
Me: You're still not at the house yet.
Ana: We walk really slowly, keeping an eye out for traps.
Me: Great. They're easy to see once you know what you're looking for, and you make it up to the house just fine.
Mark: We go into the house.
Ana: /facepalm
Me: Through the closed door?
Mark: I open the door.
Me: Are you wearing gloves?
Mark: No.
Me: Roll a fortitude save.

My favorite... a campaign I did a little over 3 years ago. This is one of many tales involving Hugo Boulderdosh, the intimidating attorney/dentist/rain god.

The only character here who's relevant is Hugo Boulderdosh.

He was a half-orc with greasy white hair which he always wore in a ponytail and he had the highest charisma in the party. He also had a cloak of featherfalling. This is relevant.

Hugo collected titles. A guy had a toothache... one marvelously successful strength check later, and he gave himself the title of "dentist." A party member is in trouble with a city and is summoned to court, so he gives himself the title of "attorney" and represents them. He rolls a natural 26 on a STR check to spike a grappling hook into a counter top, and he gave himself another title along the line of "The intimidating."

So, Hugo and friends are approaching a city.

Hugo: I want to make some more friends.
Party: We could go to the tavern.
Hugo: You go to the tavern. I have an idea. Can I find a bucket?
Me: Sure? The price is negligible.
Hugo: What about a boring tool? (Like to bore a hole.)
Me: Uhhhh.... 5 gold?
Hugo: Okay. I fill the bucket with water and go to the highest building in town.

*Insert haggling. I think we settled on a guard tower, and he got permission somehow. I'm very confused and mildly concerned at this point.*

Hugo: I bore a hole in the bucket, get a running start, and leap off of the tower, gliding as far as I can, shouting, "I am HUGOOO BOULDERDOSH, God of RAIN!!!"

Not only did this earn his character the title of "rain god," but I now have a custom rain god deity in my campaigns based off of him.

[Paragon468]

I once played a Wizard named Randall.

To make a really long story short, he developed an obsession with learning and using dark magic. He ended up absorbing energy from a dark artifact once, and... Well for the second time in my roleplaying life I got possessed by the ancient spirit of a dark dragon and my party had to kill me.

I didn't feel like making a new character, so I just swapped all of my dark powers for radiant powers with similar damage and effects.

I called myself Randall the White, and instead of an obsession with dark magic it was radiant magic. He behaved himself from then on.

Of course, in time the name Randall the White evolved into Randalph the White. It was quite an interesting campaign...

[Guizonde]

I got possessed by the ancient spirit of a dark dragon and my party had to kill me.


don't you just hate it when that happens?:smallannoyed:

i remember a wild elf wardancer who always failed possession checks versus some homebrewed ghouls. i was playing a paladin custom-built for messing with evil's day: loaded on protections vs everything, heals, buffs, cures, the whole 9 yards.

the wardancer gets possessed (4th time in the same fight, cleric's out at 0hp). i rush in.

dm: you got a ghoul that falls on you and bites you. you are now paralyzed.
me: immunity to paralysis
dm: ok, roll a fear check.
me: immune
dm (exasperated): terror?
me:immune
dm (angry): sick?!
me: paladin, remember? can i bean the sucker now?
dm: yes
*rolls an 8*
dm: it takes 4 damage
me: it's undead right? i got a blunt weapon
dm: oh for the love of... wait, you killed it. the wardancer charges you
me: i dodge *20*
dm:you get behind him
me: ok, i lay my hand on his shoulder and cast deliverance from possession (i think it was something along those lines. at least, that was the effect )
wardancer: i lash out against the last ghoul *rolls 2 attacks, slaughters*
dm: here's the scene. you got a shiny 3ft tall paladin that ran in on top of a wardog, had a ghoul fall on him, kill it without breaking stride, jump behind the wardancer, lay his hand on his shoulder in a "i got your back" kind of way, and the wardancer proceeds to kill the last ghoul.

thanks to the dm's storytelling, the wardancer and i passed for back-to-back bad@sses!:smallbiggrin:
downer ending:
i got rid of his possessions an additional 3 times before he ate the bard and turned me into a kabob, that's life for you


My favorite... a campaign I did a little over 3 years ago. This is one of many tales involving Hugo Boulderdosh, the intimidating attorney/dentist/rain god.
too much win. can i borrow him as the patron saint of the lucky silver-tongued rogues?

[Paragon468]

don't you just hate it when that happens?:smallannoyed:

Yeah... It happens a LOT in my group. It happened to a halfling three times in a twenty minute period.

And that story is awesome, by the way :smallbiggrin: (even with my passionate hatred toward paladins)

[Guizonde]

Yeah... It happens a LOT in my group. It happened to a halfling three times in a twenty minute period.

And that story is awesome, by the way :smallbiggrin: (even with my passionate hatred toward paladins)

thanks, although i'm banned paladins now, if that comforts you. mind sharing the story? what was the cause of the possession?

[Paragon468]

thanks, although i'm banned paladins now, if that comforts you. mind sharing the story? what was the cause of the possession?

The story of the halfling or the story of the wizard? Because the latter is a REALLY long story :P

[Afool]

Why not tell both? I suggest the shorter one first though (a short story after an epic can diminish the effect sometimes).

[Henry the 57th]

This is from a D&D campaign I'm GMing. In this story, all you need to know is that there's a stereotypical half-Orc barbarian named Thunk. He goes into a bar and orders a cheap beer. He gets it, and he asks me how it tastes. Here is our story:

Me: I dunno. Ok I guess. It's not awful, but it isn't anything special.
Thunk: I stand up. Barkeep, this beer tastes like rancid moose urine!
Dwarf Barkeep: Now see hear laddie, I-
Thunk: I defecate on your bar! (To me, OOC) I defecate on his bar. [Note: He actually used the word "defecate" here rather than the 4-letter one you'd expect.]
Me :smalleek:: Uhhh... Everyone just looks at you in stunned amazement. The barkeep just stares, open-mouthed, clearly unsure of what to make of the situation. Eventually, he regains his voice.
Barkeep: I want you out! Now! Me mother is here, for cryin' out loud!
Thunk: I defecate on your mother!
Me: What?
Thunk: I walk over to his mother and defecate on her too.
Me: I-
Thunk: Can I count it as an attack?
Me (hesitant): Okaaaaay...
Thunk: *rolls, natural 20*
Me :smalleek:: You fling open your loincloth and **** all over a terrified, elderly dwarven lady. The shock of it is more than her little old heart can take and she falls over, dead.
Thunk: Hoaray! *to barkeep* Let that be a lesson to you! :smallamused:
Barkeep: MA!!! :smallfurious:

Needless to say, a barfight ensued. Thunk's skull remains mounted on the barkeep's wall to this day.

Also to this day, I have no idea why Thunk's player chose to do that.

[Guizonde]

Also to this day, I have no idea why Thunk's player chose to do that.

do you really have to wonder? it was hilarious! for the lulz would be my best guess, and (language aside) does fit into a kind of good roleplay. next time i play a barbarian, i will try that, although i have a tendency to *eat* the barkeep

[Kynarus]

In this story, it was D&D 4E, I was the DM, and I had a group of level 1s (it was a new group), and I was very new at the time. The important people are Me, Hawken (Half-orc barbarian) and Jace (Dragonborn Sorcerer).

(Note: I generally have everyone go into a different room while I draw the map, but it wouldn't be too hard for people to see, And there was a huge trap in the entrance of the room)
*Hawken goes first, and takes a path into the room that has him move 1 extra square and end up in an awkward place compared to a normal path, but it goes right on the boundaries of the trap*
Me: Hawken! Why are you metagaming?
Hawken: I wasn't metagaming!
Me: You took a direct path around the trap in the room
Hawken: Oh. I didn't know it was there
*Other members of the group then proceed to prove that he couldn't of seen it, as he was in the other room with them*
Me: Ok, fine. Let's go on. Jace, it's your turn.
*Jace then proceeds to walk straight into the trap (even though he has ranged spells w/ enemies in sight) and falls into the hole*

I wasn't really sure what to think at that point.

[Yukitsu]

My Shin Megami Tensei campaign was continuing on today, got a lot of really wierd parts.

While they were out and around China looking for spirits to drag into their party, I found a giant bird and fish spirit called "Peng Kun". A bit shaky on what the heck that was, I just decided it was a really big penguin.

Me: You see a 16 foot tall penguin carrying a big stick.
Player 1: We'll go say "hi" to it.
Penguin: Oh, hello there. What did all of you want?
Player 1: We were just hoping we could interest you in coming with us on some kind of adventure, you know, see the world, help us fight off evil and so on.
Penguin: Oh, I couldn't do that. Much to busy with my job, my boss would never let me off to do that.
Player 3: What job would that be?
Penguin: Oh keeping away drunkards and yuppies, you know, sort of like you guys. Oops. Oh well, he hasn't had any guests in over a thousand years, he's probably OK to see someone by now.
Player 3: Who's your boss exactly?
Penguin: That'd be Peng Kun of course.
Player 1: ...
Player 3: ...
Player 1: I guess, uh, could we maybe talk to your boss for a bit?
Penguin: Well, I think it's about due time I woke him up from his nap. Hold on a second.
Me: The ice under you is shaking violently, and cracking apart. Scrabbling off the ice, you can see a domed black head like a hill rising up out of the ice. Shortly after, a head the size of a face from mount Rushmore emerges from the water.
Player 1: ... Think we were looking for something a little over our pay grade.

After they had finished talking to Peng Kun, they had wandered off to try and get a Korean fox spirit into their party, then after she joined up, they went to Japan to get a Japanese fox spirit (why they wanted either I have no idea.) On the way around Japan, they met some loud people arguing.

Player 1: What are they arguing about?
Me: They're trying to decide how to cook something. Stew it into an oden or slice it up into strips and eat it raw.
Player 2: Hey, well, we could help them cook.
Player 1: Yeah, it sounds like we could help here.
Player 2: Hey, what are you guys trying to cook?
Guys over the hill: A sack of old farmers.
Player 1:...
Player 2:...
Player 3:...
Guys over the hill: They're stringy and tough, so it's hard to decide how to best eat them.

Eventually the party ticks them off enough by insulting their cooking to get into a fight. Going over the hill, they see a red and blue oni.

Me: The ogre swings the bag of old people at you. Take 13 damage.
Player 1: Owwwwww. Also that's terrible.

Me: OK, they'll agree to listen to you here. Since they threw the bag at you guys you have the bag.
Ogres: Look, we don't really have anything else to cook here with, you should just let us eat the old people however we want, or just cook them for us or something.
Player 1: You have rice don't you?
Ogres: Of course we have rice! But you can't live on rice alone, you need to eat some farmers with it! Even if they are old and tough!
Player 2: Don't you have some fish or something?
Ogres: We don't want to just eat fish, we have this meat here. Even if it's tough, having meat is better than not.
Player 1: Look, well we have the bag right now, just let us take it and replace them with something else? Like maybe some nice potatoes?
Player 2: How about this, whatever we cook for you, if it's better than what you can make, you join up with us instead of eating all those old people.
Ogres: Oh, so like iron chef style battle.
Player 2: Exactly.
Ogres: With the secret ingredient of old people!
Player 2: NO!
Ogres: Look, the only things we have around here are old people or rice, and the secret ingredient can't very well be rice.
Player 2: Isn't there anything at all you could cook instead?
Me: Has it occurred to any of you to open the bag, maybe stabilize the old people?
Player 1: Oh yeah! Actually, they're probably all toast anyway.

Me: OK, so you manage to save all but 2 of the old people.
Player 1: OK, screw it, so we'll cook the 2 ones that didn't make it, 1 per each team.
Player 3: Another reason for me to be drinking.

Player 2: Doesn't the Korean fox spirit eat people? What's her opinion on using this as an ingredient.
Me: The fox spirit looks at you with a raw, still steaming heart in her hands and her face and hands covered in blood. She looks at you as she takes a bite and says "What?"
Player 1: I forgot why we're doing this already.

After winning the cooking challenge, and freeing the four remaining old people, the group continued on hoping to find a Japanese fox spirit. They find one advocating a vegetarian diet based around tofu a day later at a shrine to Inari.

Player 2: After that whole old people thing, I think a vegetarian diet sounds like a great idea.
Me: You're hampered when you see the Korean fox spirit coming up behind you, her mouth and hands bloody as she chomps on a heart.
Player 1: Where on earth did you get that?
Fox: Didn't look like one of those old guys you saved would make it, put him outta his misery.
Player 1: ... Whatever.
Player 2: Yup, months of tofu sounds amazing.


Yup, today by far had the worst encounters I ever had to adjudicate. I've seen groups that have tried to save the vics, I've seen people who didn't care, but people who tried to save them, ended up cooking some, that's just odd.

[Doorhandle]

This is from a D&D campaign I'm GMing. In this story, all you need to know is that there's a stereotypical half-Orc barbarian named Thunk. He goes into a bar and orders a cheap beer. He gets it, and he asks me how it tastes. Here is our story:

Me: I dunno. Ok I guess. It's not awful, but it isn't anything special.
Thunk: I stand up. Barkeep, this beer tastes like rancid moose urine!
Dwarf Barkeep: Now see hear laddie, I-
Thunk: I defecate on your bar! (To me, OOC) I defecate on his bar. [Note: He actually used the word "defecate" here rather than the 4-letter one you'd expect.]
Me :smalleek:: Uhhh... Everyone just looks at you in stunned amazement. The barkeep just stares, open-mouthed, clearly unsure of what to make of the situation. Eventually, he regains his voice.
Barkeep: I want you out! Now! Me mother is here, for cryin' out loud!
Thunk: I defecate on your mother!
Me: What?
Thunk: I walk over to his mother and defecate on her too.
Me: I-
Thunk: Can I count it as an attack?
Me (hesitant): Okaaaaay...
Thunk: *rolls, natural 20*
Me :smalleek:: You fling open your loincloth and **** all over a terrified, elderly dwarven lady. The shock of it is more than her little old heart can take and she falls over, dead.
Thunk: Hoaray! *to barkeep* Let that be a lesson to you! :smallamused:
Barkeep: MA!!! :smallfurious:

Needless to say, a barfight ensued. Thunk's skull remains mounted on the barkeep's wall to this day.

Also to this day, I have no idea why Thunk's player chose to do that.

I guess you could say he was... Full of ****.

:smallcool:

Also, It should be a point made to all players that just because you can do something doesn't mean it's a good idea.


Yup, today by far had the worst encounters I ever had to adjudicate. I've seen groups that have tried to save the vics, I've seen people who didn't care, but people who tried to save them, ended up cooking some, that's just odd.

__________________

It's an efficiency thing: waste not, want not to face 2 oni lords in mortal combat.

[Paragon468]

Something rather interesting happened to me last night...

My party and I were in a huge cave searching for an NPC that was captured by goblins. We descended to a lower level to find that most of it was submerged in 10 feet of water. All of the players succeeded their swim checks, but my character (human fighter) swam off a separate way to investigate a noise.

I swam to where the noise was and discovered three people chained to the walls of the cave: two of them mangled and mutilated, and the other barely alive. I proceeded to free the living one from his chains, but I had to roll insanely high on my athletics check to take him back to my allies, who had since made it to land.

I figured my athletics check was high enough, and I had some decent skill bonuses from the Leader of the party. Buuut, I rolled a 1. After sinking to the bottom I ended up just walking along the bottom to the tiny little piece of land below the area he was hanging. Since he was obviously in need of some healing, I rolled a heal check... 1. So he ended up taking more damage.

This was getting irritating so I decided to bring him back to my party. I made another athletics check to swim, and... 1. It was terrible. Finally I just said "screw this", grabbed the chain that was still wrapped around his ankles, and proceeded to walk along the bottom, some 20 odd squares to my allies.

I guess I forgot that commoners don't have the same hit points 6th level fighters do. That's what happens to my party at 3AM.... That poor man. I didn't even get experience points for him.

[Nyes the Dark]

While shopping at a store, the Paladin decides to try and Intimidate the owner to get him to give us the stuff for free (4e, and a new player).

Roll: 1

Reaction: Yeah, you can have it, right after I CALL THE GUARDS.

Cue chase scene.

Oh, and while not in-game, there was the time our Cleric said, "I'm gonna use *Spell* and then just stand there and eat a bagel."

Then, while we went around the table, he actually literally pulls a bagel (with butter!) out of his pocket and starts eating it without anyone noticing.

This is also the player who randomly puts a spider on the board and calls it his evil self.

[russdm]

So i thought i would post some from our saturday game and a bit earlier. Plus accept that we are a wacky party at nearly all times...

The Party:
Me-Sir Barak Humanbane, 4th level (made 6th level before session ended and did stuff as 6th level) Halfling Cleric of St. Cuthbert
Mark-Kobold sorc(?)/Urpriest, who thinks he used to be a god of neutral dragons, he can do what Elan did with the Banjo puppet in the dungeon section (Look at the lightning in the second to last comic (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0080.html), before it did nonlethal damage, now it does d3 since he meet some psuedodragons, also Mark is a powergamer
Adam-An elf Book of nine swordser, a powergamer, also crazy and pyschotic
Blake-7th level elf wizard, powergamer, crazy and pyschotic

Ethan-the DM

Party Alignments:
Me-LN
Mark-N
Adam-Was NG, now TN or N
Blake-NE

The Story:

So we got hired, no wait not hired-asked, by Tam, an annoying wizard to go explore, which we did. We found a gold mine infested by spiders, go figure, with one spider lurking under the water beneath a wood bridge in the cave. The gold mine was a cave. After killing the spiders, Mark and Adam set about mining the gold.

A short time afterward, a halfling chick named Anna showed up. For reasons unexplained, some halflings can only use telepathy...ummm? So she gives my character a ring to communicate with and i learn we need to pick up our new partymember(blake) from her village.

On the way, of course, is a swamp filled with wraiths that only come out at night. So only i volunteer to travel, leaving the other two partymembers to keep mining gold and lumber. I get a firewolf (wolfy who breathes fire) as a steed and we(me and anne) make it her village, passing blake and his telepathic guide on the way in the swamp.

So apparently blake left the village while I was on my way there and he fought the wraiths and murdered his guide. I didn't know and it caused an out of game argument since mark and adam had chosen to remain behind.

I learn what i was supposed to learn and can get teleported back by my deity to the cave with the gold mine. So i do, and have blake ported into a tree by the mine.

I get a vision suggesting that the orcs (who drove everybody from the old world to the new world some time ago and didn't follow) are going to invade by sea and that we need to go back to a town. so we picked up and left, bringing anne along.

So there we called a night.

On saturday:

On our way back to town, we encounter more of the halfling bandits we had origionally encountered on the way to the mine. We found their hideout and 3 of us (Mark, me, and anne) go inside. once we get down the ladder...

Me: I cast "Detect Magic".
Ethan: You detect some faint magic (conjuration/abjuration)
Me: I investigate.
E: You find a glyph on the only door to use.
Me, plus mark: I use/cast "read Magic"
E: It's a glyph of warding with cloudkill that doesn't harm halflings.
Mark: Frak
Me: I have Anne search the door for traps. (She does, but since she is a ranger she doesn't happen to find anything)
E: no traps.
Me: I go through the door. and have Anne follow and we get Mark through without setting off the glyph.

So we continue exploring and enter a barracks with three sleeping halflings. We sneak up to knock them out, but one hears us, the one i am approaching.

E, as halfling: Who is it? Who's there?
Me, using bluff: Umm, Ted. I'm new.
E: oh, okay. Hi ted. (rolls over to study us, points to Mark) what is that?
Mark, using bluff: I am a halfling that got turned into a newt by a witch.
E: uhh, okay. (to me) Whats his name?
Me: Umm, Phil.
Me, using diplomacy: I'm new, can you tell me about this operation?
E, spends time spilling the beans to his friend, "ted"

So we find out about this cook and wizard. We go to quiet down the cook. also during this time, for reasons currently unexplained, each of the halfling we have encountered so far and do encounter all say hi to Anne, having apparently met her in her village. So all these halflings are mute telepaths, that only i can hear because of my ring.

We encounter the cook and cause a bit of a ruckus, then mark goes to use alter self to burrow a tunnel for adam and blake in the halfling bandit den privy. the noise brings my friend from the barracks named Leonerd and the other two to show up needing to pee.

E, as halfings with leonerd behind them: We need to pee.
Me: Hey, i just got here shortly. somebody told me that the cave started to collapse, in the privy and here in the kitchen and in the loot room.
E: Darn, we really need to pee.
Me: Try going outside. there some bushes and trees. (stammering or being dumb, rolling and failing bluff) There are some dangerous elves out there.
Cue party getting ticked off.
Me: Those elves are dangerous and want to kill halflings. Beware the Trees. The Elves are Trees! (this is where the bluff check failed) Don't use the trees, they are Elves!
Party: What??
Mark: I am totally using that.
The two halflings leave. Given that we found the hole because our mage cast deeper slumber and knocked out some halflings that were fleeing Adam was a leaping around to attack things.

Earlier in the game, we met some psuedodragons who combined their powers, and shared his delusions with him, making him stronger. They joined us.

So the halflings leave leonerd with me and anne, and he goes to taste some soup the cook was making. Mark finishes the tunnel and comes out as halfling (he had a hat of disguise) wearing only pants.
Mark: See, i got better.

So Leonerd (hofstader, we were watching big bang theory the previous night and while we were waiting for blake to arrive) starts tasting the soup.
Me: I shove his head in the soup. Rolls
E: You succeed, he starts screaming.
Adam comes in, having made it down the tunnel, kills leonerd.

We have a fight with the wizard, take her prisoner, i execute her after blake tortures her for information. we then interrogate some more prisoners then dig up some dead bodies and re bury the elven ones.

During that, blake asks/tells the prisoners to dig up the dead bodies...
Blake: Dig up the bodies.
Halfling prisoners: No way.
Blake, kills one of the halflings: Dig them up.
Surviving prisoners: No way.
Blake proceeds threaten them to no effect.

We have Anne search the wizard's desk for traps, in which we learn she actually can't search for traps. Oopps!

Blake has me prepare some "speak with deads" since i have reached 6th level now. I do, and we recruit something like 28 humans who are totally fine with blake using them as skeletons to enact vengence.

Also, mark picked up leadership, recruiting one of his 4 pseudodragons as a cohort. and i pick up Anne using leadership as a cohort through the following method.

Me: Hey, Anne (E), i want you for my cohort.
E, as Anne: What? Are you proposing to me?
Me: What the F? What do you mean?
E: Thats how it works.
Me: crap, fine i guess.
Blake: Dearly Eviled, we are gathered here today...

During that evening while i am asleep St. Cuthbert shows up.
Cuthbert: Hail, servant.
ME: Hail, Master! Forgive your servant for his assocation with blake's character, the pyschotic elf mage.
Cuthbert: It's cool. You will need your pyschotic elf mage until the end. Don't tell any of the others what i am going to tell you.
Me: Okay. What do you have to tell me?
Cuthbert: People that you know from home have (are) gone.
Me: Well, some people were killed by the halflings bandits, and some were saying they were going on vacation. Are they gone because the halflings killed them or gone for another reason?
Cuthbert: No, they are gone and not killed by halflings.
Me: Can you tell me why or how?
Cuthbert: No. That's something you need to find out.
Me: Great, thanks for telling me some semi-useless information. Can you tell me anything actually useful or helpful?
Cuthbert: Don't tell your party members what i told you. and keep the crazy elf mage alive, you will need him later.
Me: yeah, i got that the first time.
Cuthbert leaves.
Me: Bloody annoying.

So the party gets up and we head to town, except its not there. So blake does an astronomy thing, and we find out that we have gone back 175 years in time.

Someone in the party: Lets go visit the gold mine. So we do, while blake has the undead start to build a boat so we can visit the old world.
We go to the mine where we find, henry. Henry is the living dude that had been killed by spiders and whose body was in the cave/mine. We talk to him and examine his journel. We find out that he will be killed 15 years later by spiders.
The party: You should come with us, you die in here (the cave/mine)
Henry: I don't know.
Adam: You get killed by spiders and we find your body.
Henry: ....
Adam: You spend fifteen years alone, then the spiders kill you. You should come with us. That way, the spiders don't kill you and you aren't lonely for years.
Henry: uhhhh, i will ask Pelor in the morning.

Come morning, Henry: Pelor says to help you out and go with you.

So we mine the gold mine again, and tell henry about what things look like and do the whole future predictions thing. WE learn from henry whats happenign in the old world that matters to us.

Henry: I would have left, but my plane shift wasn't working before. oh, now its working since pelor said i was supposed to help you out.
We have summon a lantern archon to help us move the gold and undead mine and refine it.

Adam/Blake: Based on the number of tons we have mined, we have 3 million gold coins. Split up between everybody, that is 750,000 gold coins.
Party: Booyah!!! Shopping Spree.
Adam, to DM: Can we have the Lantern Archon buy stuff for us in the old world?
Ethan: Yep.

So we do, and we need to go to the old world to stop or change the orc wars leading to everybody heading over to where we are in the new world.

Yeah....I got married and got 750,000 gold. Looking good.

[nijineko]

How to Win the Tomb of Horrors

Characters:
My character, Lisa the 14th level human enchantress
Haas, 17th level Yuan-ti necromancer
Nadja, 16th level Yuan-ti envoker
A 15th level Death Knight whose name I can't remember

We're doing the Tomb of Horrors module, and doing pretty well at it. We get to a corridor that ends in a doorway and a statue with an open mouth that reveals only blackness. Now I know that most of you already know what that is, but at the time I had no idea, so there's no metagaming here. Nadja and Haas start examining the door, the Death Knight keeps watch, and I go to look at the statue. I assume that it's probably magical darkness, and look at my character sheet to see if I have anything that would help. I notice that I have a "torch of continual light", which is actually just a torch I cast continual light on, and keep in a heavy bag when I'm not using. I know that continual light cancels out magical darkness, so I thrust my torch into the blackness. The DM tells me to roll a save, which I make, and he tells me that something pulls at my torch, and I barely avoid having my arm pulled into the darkness. I pull my torch out, and the top six inches of it are just gone. A quick identification spell reveals that it is indeed a sphere of annihilation, and that I was lucky I only lost my torch.

Later, we get to a magical portal. We don't know where it leads, so Haas summons a skeleton, casts corpse link on it so he can see what it sees, and sends it through. It catches a brief glimpse of a Demi-lich before being destroyed. We buff up, get ready to attack, and leap through the portal. Suddenly, the two Yuan-tis and I are back at the entrance of the tomb, missing the Death Knight and all of our gear. The DM tells us over the table that the portal sends all non-living matter to the demi-lich's lair, and sends all living matter back outside. I use a limited wish to rewind time thirty seconds, and we try to come up with another plan. We realize that since the skeleton and death knight got through, the portal must allow undead to pass. So if we want to defeat this monster, the DK is going to have to do it on his own. Sounded like a tough fight, but then he pointed out that the easiest way to kill a demi-lich is to cast Power Word: Kill from the ethereal plane, and what do you know, he has a mount that can go ethereal and he gets Power Word as a racial ability. The DM didn't even make play out the combat, he just said "you win, here's the treasure".

or you could just use the orange gem to wish the demi-lich dead. ^^


a story from my group: epic fetch...

the perfect weapon

we were wandering around in some caves and found a cavern with some fluorescing gem formations on the walls. some investigation and spellcasting revealed that these gems would permanently enchant masterwork weapons with a small amount of energy damage. cue the monk's player wanting in on this action. the dm enquired if the monk counted as a masterwork weapon. whereupon the player, a middle-aged, receding hairline, chubby individual (perhaps unconsciously) sat up straight, sucked in his gut, turned his head to the side stared off into the middle distance, and said with a perfectly straight and serious mien, "My entire body is a masterwork weapon".

stunned silence followed by much laughter.

realizing how else what he had said could be interpreted, he laughed along with everyone, but then gamely managed to come up with some fairly logical justification for it. i think the dm gave it to him for the laugh, however.

[Gimur]

Earlier tonight I ran my game, a Gestalt Pathfinder run through Curse of the Crimson Throne with two players. The characters are level 5, and they're on the Lady Andaisin fight. I allowed them to rest up before going down to confront her, and for the most part I was right to do so...

The characters are a Zen Archer Monk // Druid with a Longbow, and a Armored Hulk Barbarian // Cleric of Sarenrae with a Greataxe. Typically their damage is around ~20 each round, assuming average rolls. They aren't min-maxers.

Anyway! For the first half of the fight, they nearly had a tpk. The Barbarian was feared back up the hallway while she afflicted the Archer with blindness and started to wail away at him. He was dropped to ~3 health before the Barbarian was able to return, and forced her attention to him. The Archer was able to slip away, to the wall, to do some self healing via potions before returning to the fight wildshaped into a bat, while the Barbarian just couldn't seem to hit Andaisin for any significant damage. Every power attack missed, and when he DID manage to hit, he rolled minimum damage. Slowly, with the help of the Archer's summoned swarms, they wittled her down to death.
By this time, the Barbarian had used every single one of his remaining spells (Andaisin had gotten two nasty crits in) just to keep the pair of them alive, along with a couple of Channel Energies. The Druid hadn't prepared healing, so that was the extent of what they could manage. :smallamused:
Before Andaisin's revival, he used his last Channel Energies to get the pair of them to decent health. Good instinct. But when she rose back up, they encountered unrealistic luck. The Archer, having returned to his normal form, successfully managed to locate her direction and let his arrows fly. That first round, he shot 3 arrows. 50% miss chance for being blind... Didn't faze him at all. He managed 2 crits and a hit totaling to over HALF of her health. And then the Barbarian charged back in and crit as well, finishing her before she could do ANYTHING. It seems Gazreh and Sarenrae chose to intervene in that fight as well. :smalleek:

So all of a sudden those <10 rolls on a d20 they had largely been rolling became 3 20's out of 4 attack rolls, with critical confirmations. And then, to boot, the d8s and d12 were on the very high end of their range for every roll. It was absolutely ridiculous.

TLDR; A two phase fight. First, easier phase nearly killed both players. Second, supposed to be horrifying phase was shut down in a single round by 3(!) crits dealing over 110 damage.

[Doorhandle]

Earlier tonight I ran my game, a Gestalt Pathfinder run through Curse of the Crimson Throne with two players. The characters are level 5, and they're on the Lady Andaisin fight. I allowed them to rest up before going down to confront her, and for the most part I was right to do so...

The characters are a Zen Archer Monk // Druid with a Longbow, and a Armored Hulk Barbarian // Cleric of Sarenrae with a Greataxe. Typically their damage is around ~20 each round, assuming average rolls. They aren't min-maxers.

Anyway! For the first half of the fight, they nearly had a tpk. The Barbarian was feared back up the hallway while she afflicted the Archer with blindness and started to wail away at him. He was dropped to ~3 health before the Barbarian was able to return, and forced her attention to him. The Archer was able to slip away, to the wall, to do some self healing via potions before returning to the fight wildshaped into a bat, while the Barbarian just couldn't seem to hit Andaisin for any significant damage. Every power attack missed, and when he DID manage to hit, he rolled minimum damage. Slowly, with the help of the Archer's summoned swarms, they wittled her down to death.
By this time, the Barbarian had used every single one of his remaining spells (Andaisin had gotten two nasty crits in) just to keep the pair of them alive, along with a couple of Channel Energies. The Druid hadn't prepared healing, so that was the extent of what they could manage. :smallamused:
Before Andaisin's revival, he used his last Channel Energies to get the pair of them to decent health. Good instinct. But when she rose back up, they encountered unrealistic luck. The Archer, having returned to his normal form, successfully managed to locate her direction and let his arrows fly. That first round, he shot 3 arrows. 50% miss chance for being blind... Didn't faze him at all. He managed 2 crits and a hit totaling to over HALF of her health. And then the Barbarian charged back in and crit as well, finishing her before she could do ANYTHING. It seems Gazreh and Sarenrae chose to intervene in that fight as well. :smalleek:

So all of a sudden those <10 rolls on a d20 they had largely been rolling became 3 20's out of 4 attack rolls, with critical confirmations. And then, to boot, the d8s and d12 were on the very high end of their range for every roll. It was absolutely ridiculous.

TLDR; A two phase fight. First, easier phase nearly killed both players. Second, supposed to be horrifying phase was shut down in a single round by 3(!) crits dealing over 110 damage.
I imagine it went down somthing like this:


*Pant* *pant* "....thank god that's over." *sigh.*
"rrrrrRRRAAARRRRGGHHH! ROUND TWO, BI-"
"OH NO YOU DON'T!" *THWICRUNCH*

[Oromis1]

Hello there! Long time watcher, first time poster! I've never actually played D&D yet, but I've played a similar game - Chivalry & Sorcery (1st edition), which has its own unique systems of magic and combat, complete with backfires and blunders, both for us, and our enemies.

The party (for now):
Moric, the "unorthodox" knight errant
Oromis, the wood-elven wizard/fighter (me)
Andrew, the human cleric
Marc and William, two squires to Moric
And Joseph King... The bard.

Once, our party was camping in the woods when we came across, I kid you not, a giant skunk. It didn't bother us, and most of us didn't want to bother it - except Marc, the squire, who tried to throw a spear at it. Fortunately, we managed to stop him from doing so, but his character lost an iQ point for doing something that dumb.

Once, when separated from my party, I ran into a bunch of kobolds, along with a pack of wargs. Not wanting to be mauled, I quickly climbed a tree. The kobolds were, (un)fortunately, drunk, and I spent an uncomfortable night stuck in a tree, being laughed at by little kobolds, as well as the other players, especially the bard.

Later, when said bard went to go take a nighttime leak in the woods, he was ambushed by kobolds, mugged, and left in the wilderness. We later found him, and our characters couldn't believe his story: Who gets mugged by kobolds?

Once, we were fighting an evil mage who specialized in summoning, and it was shaping to be a tough battle. During the battle, the mage rolled a natural fumble, and managed to summon a nearby dragon. A PROUD dragon, who quickly repaid the mage by squishing him into a nonexistent pulp. Literally.

It may not be D&D, but it's still as fun, if not more so. I can cast unlimited fireballs a day! (Lawful good elf, often in a forest :smallannoyed:)

[Guizonde]

Once, our party was camping in the woods when we came across, I kid you not, a giant skunk. It didn't bother us, and most of us didn't want to bother it - except Marc, the squire, who tried to throw a spear at it. Fortunately, we managed to stop him from doing so, but his character lost an iQ point for doing something that dumb.

Once, when separated from my party, I ran into a bunch of kobolds, along with a pack of wargs. Not wanting to be mauled, I quickly climbed a tree. The kobolds were, (un)fortunately, drunk, and I spent an uncomfortable night stuck in a tree, being laughed at by little kobolds, as well as the other players, especially the bard.

Later, when said bard went to go take a nighttime leak in the woods, he was ambushed by kobolds, mugged, and left in the wilderness. We later found him, and our characters couldn't believe his story: Who gets mugged by kobolds?

Once, we were fighting an evil mage who specialized in summoning, and it was shaping to be a tough battle. During the battle, the mage rolled a natural fumble, and managed to summon a nearby dragon. A PROUD dragon, who quickly repaid the mage by squishing him into a nonexistent pulp. Literally.

It may not be D&D, but it's still as fun, if not more so. I can cast unlimited fireballs a day! (Lawful good elf, often in a forest :smallannoyed:)

:smalleek:are you sure you didn't steal my gaming group? that sounds like things we would come across and do! (well, in warhammer at least... in DnD, a bit less, except for getting squished by a dragon)

[xilokix]

My group at one point had our friend playing a rogue in Pathfinder. He manages to crit fail a 5 ft. jump between a ravine. Proceeds to slip on a banana peel and fall to his untimely demise. We all go for it and allow him to resurrected under some sort of bland reasoning. He comes back, climbing up the cliff. At that point he has assured himself that his character has come back as a zombie. He proceeds to arch out his hands and say "NomNomNom" and attack the party.
He died down the same ravine.

[Deathkeeper]

A few friends and I did a little two-session Pathfinder over the winter break at level 5. One of them was playing a nonviolent Archaeologist Bard. He was supposed to be a support caster/skillmonkey, but rolled bad on all of his trip attempts, and enemies saved on most of his spells. Except two things: Bluff and Perform. In town, he ran around doing Perform checks, and broke 30 every single time (total 6) due to never rolling lower than an 18. This garnered a rabid fanclub in the country's capital, and as per the CRB, a small following among the other Planes.
Later, in a fortress full of Necromancers, he managed to lure a guard into a room with a basic disguise he found in a Necro's bedroom and have the Ranger stealth-kill him. He then proceeds to yell "OH MY GOD SOMEONE'S DEAD" and rinse&repeat with ridiculous bluff rolls until three more Necromancers and their pet skeleton were dead. This he managed to do by holding their attention long enough for the KO despite having no knowledge of necromancy or their bosses (although the GM was laughing hard enough to make one of the random names he guessed an actual person. Even though said name was "Googlepus.")
He then managed to convince the second-in-command that he was a competent Necromancer. When questioned how, when he was clearly a bard, he responded with he uses music to lure victims in before killing them for sacrifices. He got a 20 on this, opposed by a 2 Sense Motive. Said second-in-command, who was in fact Lord Googlepus, proceeded to then distract an entire room we'd forgotten to clear by running around telling them that they should all learn to play an instrument. (I liked to think of it along the lines of Spongebob's "Hey All You People" number).
We then beat the stuffing out of the Wizard in charge, because we kept forcing him into high Concentration checks and suffered nothing but a pair of Acid Arrows.

[Kaveman26]

My friends and I were involved in a Dark Sun Campaign where we started as complete slaves. We were bound to the walls of a carriage with only loincloths as equipment...nothing else. We successfully slipped free of our bonds and managed to improvise our loincloths as slings. We managed to slip away into the night, but with no real equipment we did the only possible thing to carry water...we turned my half giant's loincloth into a waterskin. In retrospect slavery was probably a better option.

[Guizonde]

My group at one point had our friend playing a rogue in Pathfinder. He manages to crit fail a 5 ft. jump between a ravine. Proceeds to slip on a banana peel and fall to his untimely demise. We all go for it and allow him to resurrected under some sort of bland reasoning. He comes back, climbing up the cliff. At that point he has assured himself that his character has come back as a zombie. He proceeds to arch out his hands and say "NomNomNom" and attack the party.
He died down the same ravine.

well, that de-escalated quickly!:smallcool: poor guy.

@LorddeathKeeper: that was pure win! i tried that once... fumbled so hard i got sent into negative hit points, didn't think it could actually work!

[Paragon468]

My group at one point had our friend playing a rogue in Pathfinder. He manages to crit fail a 5 ft. jump between a ravine. Proceeds to slip on a banana peel and fall to his untimely demise. We all go for it and allow him to resurrected under some sort of bland reasoning. He comes back, climbing up the cliff. At that point he has assured himself that his character has come back as a zombie. He proceeds to arch out his hands and say "NomNomNom" and attack the party.
He died down the same ravine.

Wow... This same thing happened to me once. Only difference is that is it was D&D 4e and it was a Cleric :P

[Oromis1]

An event not so funny as it was awesome, our Chivalry & Sorcery group (see earlier post) was planning how to get at a bunch of mages hiding in a cathedral. Our intel revealed that they had a few gargoyles and something akin to a mini-balrog guarding them.
It might be nice to mention that C&S's magic system allows you (at low level) to, among other things: create fire, detach fire, affix fire, remove fire, passwall, and astral projection. Multiple times per day. All spells my mage knew.
We figured going through the front door was suicidal, so we took a stealthier approach:
Through the wall.
Create and affix fire to our knight's morning star (or flail, there's a naming confusion), passwall on the wall, and caught them unprepared. Knight rolled a critical on the first gargoyle, too.
The rest of the battle went normally, but there's still something funny about a knight ambushing people through walls with a flaming spiky ball of death.

[Lea Plath]

So, I've got one from a Dresden Files game I was in.

The team was:
A run away rich girl warlock with some serious dark stains on her soul from using her magic to kill her kidnapper and escape. She had to struggle not to use black magic sometimes.
A wizard who had taken the warlock under his wing and promised to look after her and protect her from the white council.
The Erlking's human master of the stables. This meant he was incharge of getting the Erlking transport, worked as his driver when he needed to interact with the human world and had a few powers relating to driving and moving between the human world and the Nevernever etc. Those power are important.
A malk who had been captured by the wizard and served as his familar. While it started off with animosity, it had turned into mutal respect and friendship after the wizard had stopped the malk being ripped apart by Maeve for failing to kill someone. (Me)

We had been doing this campaign for a while and a lot had happenned. We had annoyed a dragon by accidently disrupting a ritual of his that would have cut off the city from the Nevernever. This would make him the defacto magical ruler of the city by taking the faeries out of the picture, and given him access to some very powerful lay lines. While this wasn't an end of the world type situation, and the dragon was rather neutral, he had some rather nasty allies who we couldn't have let get a foot hold in the city.

We had just finished clearing out a nest of black court vampires (lead by a married couple of vampires, one was red court and managed the political side of things. The other was a black court vampire who managed the recruitment and fighting side of things) and we were pretty beaten up. The wizard and warlock had a fair bit of mental stress and we had used up all of our tricks.

The GM then decided to throw 3 ganger hedgemages at us. Servants of the dragon we annoyed, calling themselves the Scale Lords. It should have been a pretty easy fight, and the wizard had a bit of a reputation for kicking ass and taking names, and the Warlock was known for being a bit scary.

The Erlking guy goes to get the car (well, more a jeep he has modified to let it go into the Nevernever. Carbon fiber body helps), while we do our usual big scary magic act. Wizard is swaggering, runes on his staff glowing. The warlock is doing slasher smile and prowl and I'm doing the same. We roll intimidation, and do a pretty good job of shaking the gangers up.

Then one of them reveals himself. He isn't any old ganger. He is the dragon and the other two hedgemages were just there to hide his prescence. Naturally this is an oh crap moment, and we change plans quickly. Cheese it. We manage to get into the car and the erlking guy starts driving off, high speed chase time.

A couple of bad rolls and the dragon is gaining on us. Big problem. But the erlking guy has an idea.

We do a U turn and start charging towards the dragon. Me, the wizard and the warlock are yelling at the guy and trying to get him to turn and run, but he doesn't. He uses a fair bit of sponsered power and some GM fiat, and rams the dragon, pushing him into the Nevernever along with us. In the middle of one of the Erlking's hunting grounds.

The master of the stables call the Erlking and suddenly we are part of the wild hunt. The DM rules this lets us refresh our mental and physical stress tracks, and we are now chasing down the dragon.

Long story short, we catch him and Erlking kills him. We now have the favour of the Erlking, and a boon each.

The wizard asks for the dragon bones to make a new staff and various other focuses out of. The warlock saves her boon for later. I save mine for later.

The erlkings servant, asks for his car to be repaired cause ramming a dragon did a number on it. Now, he is known through out Faerie and a fair bit of the supernatural world as the guy who rammed a dragon.

[ReaderAt2046]

So, I've got one from a Dresden Files game I was in.

The team was:
A run away rich girl warlock with some serious dark stains on her soul from using her magic to kill her kidnapper and escape. She had to struggle not to use black magic sometimes.
A wizard who had taken the warlock under his wing and promised to look after her and protect her from the white council.
The Erlking's human master of the stables. This meant he was incharge of getting the Erlking transport, worked as his driver when he needed to interact with the human world and had a few powers relating to driving and moving between the human world and the Nevernever etc. Those power are important.
A malk who had been captured by the wizard and served as his familar. While it started off with animosity, it had turned into mutal respect and friendship after the wizard had stopped the malk being ripped apart by Maeve for failing to kill someone. (Me)

We had been doing this campaign for a while and a lot had happenned. We had annoyed a dragon by accidently disrupting a ritual of his that would have cut off the city from the Nevernever. This would make him the defacto magical ruler of the city by taking the faeries out of the picture, and given him access to some very powerful lay lines. While this wasn't an end of the world type situation, and the dragon was rather neutral, he had some rather nasty allies who we couldn't have let get a foot hold in the city.

We had just finished clearing out a nest of black court vampires (lead by a married couple of vampires, one was red court and managed the political side of things. The other was a black court vampire who managed the recruitment and fighting side of things) and we were pretty beaten up. The wizard and warlock had a fair bit of mental stress and we had used up all of our tricks.

The GM then decided to throw 3 ganger hedgemages at us. Servants of the dragon we annoyed, calling themselves the Scale Lords. It should have been a pretty easy fight, and the wizard had a bit of a reputation for kicking ass and taking names, and the Warlock was known for being a bit scary.

The Erlking guy goes to get the car (well, more a jeep he has modified to let it go into the Nevernever. Carbon fiber body helps), while we do our usual big scary magic act. Wizard is swaggering, runes on his staff glowing. The warlock is doing slasher smile and prowl and I'm doing the same. We roll intimidation, and do a pretty good job of shaking the gangers up.

Then one of them reveals himself. He isn't any old ganger. He is the dragon and the other two hedgemages were just there to hide his prescence. Naturally this is an oh crap moment, and we change plans quickly. Cheese it. We manage to get into the car and the erlking guy starts driving off, high speed chase time.

A couple of bad rolls and the dragon is gaining on us. Big problem. But the erlking guy has an idea.

We do a U turn and start charging towards the dragon. Me, the wizard and the warlock are yelling at the guy and trying to get him to turn and run, but he doesn't. He uses a fair bit of sponsered power and some GM fiat, and rams the dragon, pushing him into the Nevernever along with us. In the middle of one of the Erlking's hunting grounds.

The master of the stables call the Erlking and suddenly we are part of the wild hunt. The DM rules this lets us refresh our mental and physical stress tracks, and we are now chasing down the dragon.

Long story short, we catch him and Erlking kills him. We now have the favour of the Erlking, and a boon each.

The wizard asks for the dragon bones to make a new staff and various other focuses out of. The warlock saves her boon for later. I save mine for later.

The erlkings servant, asks for his car to be repaired cause ramming a dragon did a number on it. Now, he is known through out Faerie and a fair bit of the supernatural world as the guy who rammed a dragon.

Brilliant! Did that get the searvant a bonus Advancement for sheer weird?

[Axinian]

Recently I played in a 10th level Pathfinder game. I knew that my friend was going to play a Cavalier, but we did not know what his mount was... turns out to be a rhino. But not just any rhino! No sir! A rhino with max ranks in stealth, skill focus (stealth), some means of camouflage, and custom-made slippers of spider climbing. Our characters couldn't spot it in an open field until he pointed it out to us. It was the party scout!

Thus began the legacy of Stomp the ceiling rhino!

[Guizonde]

Recently I played in a 10th level Pathfinder game. I knew that my friend was going to play a Cavalier, but we did not know what his mount was... turns out to be a rhino. But not just any rhino! No sir! A rhino with max ranks in stealth, skill focus (stealth), some means of camouflage, and custom-made slippers of spider climbing. Our characters couldn't spot it in an open field until he pointed it out to us. It was the party scout!

Thus began the legacy of Stomp the ceiling rhino!

i don't know why, but i got the feeling that my dm's banned this from even becoming an idea in my head as soon as i read it. from 25km away. it's like pure undiluted distilled awesome sauce from the epic fountain of cool munchkinry. i need to try it sooooooooooo bad!

also, why didn't i think of that?:smallbiggrin:

[Felandria]

My group at one point had our friend playing a rogue in Pathfinder. He manages to crit fail a 5 ft. jump between a ravine. Proceeds to slip on a banana peel and fall to his untimely demise. We all go for it and allow him to resurrected under some sort of bland reasoning. He comes back, climbing up the cliff. At that point he has assured himself that his character has come back as a zombie. He proceeds to arch out his hands and say "NomNomNom" and attack the party.
He died down the same ravine.

Speaking of hapless rogues, our party once contained a halfling rogue.

He had a Str of 5, which is poor, even for a halfling, but even worse, he had a Dex of 7.

A halfling rogue with a Dex of 7.

I still don't understand how that was possible.

[Axinian]

i don't know why, but i got the feeling that my dm's banned this from even becoming an idea in my head as soon as i read it. from 25km away. it's like pure undiluted distilled awesome sauce from the epic fountain of cool munchkinry. i need to try it sooooooooooo bad!

also, why didn't i think of that?:smallbiggrin:

I wouldn't call it munchkinry, it wasn't anywhere near overpowered and I think it was legit by the rules. It just didn't make the slightest bit of anything resembling sense.

[DontEatRawHagis]

My current game hasn't gotten to truly memorable funny moments. But I did find Old Man Henderson the director's cut. I nearly lost a lung after reading the time Old Man Henderson killed 4 player characters in the same session all played by the same player.

And the ultimate winning of Call of Cthulu in more detail than in the original.

[Guizonde]

I wouldn't call it munchkinry, it wasn't anywhere near overpowered and I think it was legit by the rules. It just didn't make the slightest bit of anything resembling sense.

getting lost in idioms i'm afraid: for me, a munchkin is a guy who creates a build that is both hilarious and efficient, as opposed to a powergamer who is all about finding the loophole of loopholes, building the next pun-pun, foregoing all rp and being crunchtastic.

i guess my powergamer is your munchkin, and my munchkin is your loony? if i'd known what the exact term was, i'd have used it. still getting used to different vernaculars (yes, my "munchkin" is because of the card game. too silly not to work)

still an awesome rhino, but it's the silly part my dm would ban. not the crunchiness of it (tried to have a charging ostrich for a halfling paladin's mount. pretty darn good stats, but the idea of an ostrich in a dungeon was too silly for my dm)

[LupusCreed]

Cast:
Me-as acting DM.
Bard- as a female True Neutral Elf Bard.
Killer- as a male Chaotic Evil Human Fighter, Rogue, Ghost-Faced Killer
Dagger- as a male Chaotic Neutral Raptoran Ninja, Sorcerer, Daggerspell Mage
Pirate- as a female Chaotic Neutral Half-Elf Swashbuckler.

Setting: A sandbox world I threw together that takes place in a large and prosperous trading city. Our group was called in by the local authorities to track down an elusive murderer or murders that would kill someone every night. The idea was that they had to figure out where this killer or killers were hiding by investigating a number of areas in the city and investigating people. This ensured a number of adventures over the next few nights. Mostly hilarious. 1. A jailbreak. 2. Impersonating a godly messenger. 3. Destroying a deceased merchant’s mansion(For good reason).

1. The group learned of a rumor that the local nobility had imprisoned a wizard for certain crimes, but rumor had it that the wizard was willing to reward anyone that would break him out. Learning this early on, the group decided to break him out. They snuck into the castle using Dagger’s Raptoran flight capabilities and some rope, then worked their way up the prison tower. Stealthily they managed to take out the guards on each floor at a time until they finally screwed up on the second to last floor. The alarm was sounded and guards were coming.
While Bard and Pirate freed the Wizard, Killer and Dagger quickly ran back down and unlocked all the prison doors and rallied the prisoners. They then used the stampede of prisoners to cover themselves as they, Bard, Pirate, and the Wizard separated from the group through use of Cloaks of Invisibility and escaped the castle.
They then had to take the Wizard through the forest to the west back to one of his hidden chambers. After fighting some more creatures, they reached the hidden chamber and were each rewarded with randomly generated magic items. Most of them were happy. Then the Chaotic Evil Killer had an idea. He suggested jumping the Wizard while he had no spells and turning him back in for some reward money and stealing all his magical stuff to pawn off back at the large merchant city. None of them really had a problem with that seeing as he was a criminal, so they jumped him while his back was turned, hogtied him, ransacked his chamber, and turned him in for some gold.

2. They had learned some rumors that the priests of the Temple in the city that worshiped Pelor had turned from him and were conducting dark worship. So they figured the murder or the murders were among them. They decided to try and conduct an examination of the clerical members, however, there was no possible way they could get them all to comply. So they decided to make an offer they couldn’t refuse. They bought some pure white and gold robes and some jewelry off of some merchants, bought some needed scrolls, then cast various spells on Bard and made her appear as a heavenly being, she then Bluffed and Performed her way into making them believe she was a representative of Pelor and that there was darkness in this temple, and that adventures would come tomorrow to cleanse it. She then gave descriptions of each of us and warned them not to test the servants of Pelor and do whatever they say. The next day, they showed up, didn’t find the murderer(s), then took a ton of valuable would-be offerings from temple goers and pawned them off.

3. The group heard rumor that a dark force had taken the residence of a now diseased rich merchant. They decided to infiltrate the mansion to discover if anything vile was actually there. They snuck in through the kitchen during a shipment delivery, then ran around the place, pretending to be honored friends of the dead merchant. They eventually came to a passage with a stairway heading downward, the only stairs leading down they had come across yet. There were two guards positioned in front of the stairs, so the two women in our group went up to them and began to flirt with them, then pushed them down the stairs when they let their guard down. They then walked down the stairs and found the guards in an unconscious armored heap at the bottom in a cellar filled with a number of alcoholic drinks. After examining the walls, they found a hole big enough to walk through hidden behind a shelf. They walked through and found a large number of undead on the other side as well as a necromancer. I had planned to give them a battle. Pirate worked her way over to the necromancer, however, through some poison and a Ray of Enfeeblement, Pirate became unable stand and can only drag herself across the floor. Dagger then had an idea. Dagger and Killer held back the undead while Bard dragged Pirate back into the cellar and start making a mess of the cellar in the adjacent room. Bard then roll caskets of drink through the passage with some holes in them and call Dagger and Killer back into the other room. Killer then picked up Pirate and ran up the stairs with Bard while Dagger set the alcohol on fire. They then proceed to run throughout the mansion, screaming “Fire!”, getting people out of there, setting more things on fire when people weren’t around, and filling their Bags of Holding with various valuable items they came across. The mansion eventually is entirely engulfed in flame and crashes down on top of the necromancer and his undead horde.

[only1doug]

The game: 2nd edition D&D L8 party

The setup:
the party has been travelling for some time through the evil kingdom to reach the BBEG's lair, we have encountered and defeated an enemy patrol and have their mounts.
I have been polymorphing 2 horses into white mice each day so that we have spare mounts if we ever need them (mice being easier to carry around than horses). I stopped at 6 (1 each) .

We entered the BBEGs lair in a semi truce (he asked us to leave our weapons outside but some of us cheated by putting them in a bag of holding).
We are in a 30' x 30' room and the BBEG demands our bag of holding, so the fight begins, we throw him another bag (containing 6 white mice) and I cast dispel magic...

The room is suddenly very full of horses and the fight is on. (unfortunately the BBEG avoided the horas-bomb but it was worth it just for the look on the GMs face.

[Shnezz]

Listen well, OOTSers, to the Saga of Vimak the Golaith barbarian.

[Level 5-8 over various events.]

Only had 3 intelligence...

Entrance
The entire party was in a jail cell. The barbarian was in a cell across the hall. A guard taunted him, and he rolled a nat. 20 strength check and broke the door open, then proceeded to KO the guard.

The party diplo-monkey called out to Vimak "Hey. Throw me that key."

The 3-int barbarian took him literally. He struck the bard in the face for 9 damage, leaving a key-shaped impression in his face for a day.

Betrayal
A shardmind psion decided he didn't want to play that character anymore, and tried to switch sides in the middle of a fight. Vimak, having been disarmed due to throwing his greataxe at a flying gargoyle, promptly ripped a solid steel door off its hinges, and crit the shardmind for so much damage, bits of crystal embedded in the door.

He kept this door for the rest of the campaign, and it was often more effective than his axe in combat, despite requiring strength checks many, many times over.

Someplace Safe
The barbarian is handed a portable hole, with explicit instructions to 'keep this safe'. He has only one bag. This bag is a bag of holding.

... The ensuing explosion killed all but one party member.



A dwarf of the same campaign, became the symbol of immortality. He survived multiple disasters, including:

-A portable hole/ bag of holding bomb.
-Jumping off a cliff onto an ogre's head.
-Multiple traitorous party members.
-Direct confrontation with Orcus.
-Dealing with Pazuzu successfully.
-200lbs of crystal falling from a height of ~100feet directly onto him.

[ZeroGear]

Leave the jumping to the professionals:

In the Pathfinder Thornkeep module we ran last week, our group came to the part of the dungeon that only had one way of continuing: a set of pillars that one had to leap to in order to reach the upper floor.
Naturally, our dwarf fighter volunteers to go first.
He leaps... and rolls a natural 1, not only failing to make the jump to the higher pillar and falling, but also hitting pretty much every rock on the way down.
I, the beastkin tiefling gunslinger, decide to give it a shot. Naturally, I make it with all the natural grace and agility my Rakshasa heritage grants, leaping like a cat from one [pillar to the next until i reach the ledge.
As my guy is lowering the rope, the dwarf decides he wants to go again.
*CRASH* *BANG* *BOOM* *DING* *BONG* *CRUNCH*
He fails again, almost going into negatives this time.

[vasharanpaladin]

Listen well, OOTSers, to the Saga of Vimak the Golaith barbarian.

...I'm reminded of Kim, my half-ogre frenzied berserker. :smallamused:

Who, in the throes of his rage, decided that the optimal solution to a ghost's malevolence (used, naturally, on Kim), would be to punch himself out. With his oversized spiked gauntlets.

The ghost died a second time. Kim lived to bemoan the pretty face (for a half-ogre...) he ruined in the process... and then got killed by a tree. :smalltongue:

[DontEatRawHagis]

Long time ago. Might have posted it. Ran a one shot for two friends. Paranoia.

Half way through the mission they signaled to each other using the Communist hand signal I gave them in their Pre-Gens. At the end of the mission they nearly killed everyone of their NPC co-horts. With just three of them left(One NPC made it out alive), the two players Ben and Justin looked like they both were going to win it.

Until the Computer asked them if there was anything left for them to be debriefed on.

Ben: Yes, I would like to accuse Justin as a dirty Communist traitor.
Justin: :smalleek:
Computer: Do you have any proof citizen?

Ben proceeds to show video of Justin putting up communist propaganda posters all over the Sector.

Computer: Do you have anything to say in your defense?
Justin: He helped me.
Computer: Do you have any proof citizen?

Justin proceeded to pull out his video of Ben, helping him put up posters.

The following duel erasures was something to behold.

[Erasmas]

So... we were playing D&D, in a classic fantasy world setting, with my good friend running the game (who does not do well with being put on the spot).

These bandit/cultist types were sacking as outlying farmstead and we discovered that they were going to be coming back and, this time, would be kidnapping their young daughter. And so, being the brave adventurers we were, we lay in ambush waiting for the baddies to strike.

Finally they come and we smartly hand them their buttocks on a wooden platter and even manage to subdue one of the spellcasters. We decide that we want to question him and since we knew how zealous these guys were... we decided that torture was going to most likely have to be involved if we really wanted answers. Not everyone's character was strictly "okay" with this, so we decided that it was best if a couple of 'representatives' took care of the questioning. So, the two "rough types"... my character (the rogue) and my other buddy's character (the ranger) took him into the small outbuilding where the farmer kept the tools and tied him to a chair - scythes and sickles hanging on the walls, sharp-edged plows sitting nearby - you know, to add to the atmosphere and help us scare the sh!t out of this guy.

Well, he wakes up and we start in on him; all the usual questions, "Why are you doing this?"... "Who are you working for?"... "Where is the rebel base?"... you get the idea. It quickly becomes apparent that we aren't going to get anywhere with him, so I pull out one of my daggers and push it slowly through his forearm. The guy screams in agony, but still won't answer our questions. And then, suddenly, my friend (the DM) states... rather matter of factly...

(DM) "He snaps his own neck."

(Me) "He's tied up."

(DM) "I know."

What followed was:

Me trying very hard not to laugh, and failing miserably because of the sight of this guy thrashing his head sideways with such force as to severe his own spinal cord.
Me staring confused at my friend, trying to work out how something like that would be physically possible. Which eventually led to lots of jokes about how we didn't notice the massive neck muscles on this sorcerer.
My friend being visibly embarrassed at how obvious it was that he hadn't though it out beforehand (and how silly it was).


To his credit, however, he stuck to his guns and it stayed the way it was. Still to this day, we can bring that up and we all laugh until tears are streaming down our faces.

[Karoht]

We chose to leave a petty criminal in the same room as a Bard who wanted desperately to show off his 1 man 10 act play. Spoiler alert, the robot falls in love.

So the bard, the crook (tied to chair), and I are in the room with him, and before act 1 is finished I asked "Can I cast Blindness/Deafness on myself and choose to fail the save?" and promptly walked out. About act 3 the poor guy tries bashing his head on the corner of the chair but can't reach.
Act 5 he figures he can bash his head in if he falls backwards. They give him lots of pillows and put him up against a wall.
Some time around act 7, the DM says make a perception check. The Bard fails.
So he finishes the play (ta-daaaah!) and finally notices that something is wrong with the audience member.

Spoiler alert because it is slightly graphic...

...he bit his own tongue off and choked to death on the blood.


The Bard managed to kill someone with a performance check.

[Reltzik]

(Pathfinder) Our party was proving particularly dysfunctional one campaign, with various members allying with opposing factions and being turned against one-another. This resulted in our ninja (female dwarf) being TKed by the summoner and left for dead. (Came down to the initiative roll.) (Temporarily) unbeknownst to us, she made her stabilization roll, became an NPC, and popped into the summoner's inn room every now and then to leave threatening notes. Nothing we could do could ever find her, catch her, or stop her. She had DM invulnerability.

Meanwhile, my tanks had been suffering an alarming attrition rate. It was yet again time to introduce a replacement character, and I decided to min-max for survivability. The result was a dwarven Invulnerable Rager (barbarian variant). Naturally, I made int and cha my dump stats.

Now, the thing is, I think dump-stats are fun. PLAYING a mental dump-stat is VERY fun. So I planned out in my head how his low int and cha would work.

The resulting backstory was a dwarf who wasn't entirely there any more. Following being trapped behind orc lines for a couple of years, he became... unhinged. (Or enlightened, as he would put it.) He came to the conclusion that all societal standards are mad, that madness is the only sane way to live, and that sanity consisted of insanity. His int came from the facts that while he generated a lot of ideas, most of them were TERRIBLE, and he tended to make up facts that he didn't actually know. His charisma came from the fact that he'd shaved his beard and came off as, well, crazy. His wisdom was actually middling-high, which I played as an extremely perceptive and insightful nature and a weird, uncommon sense, all averaged with an appalling lack of COMMON sense. He was manic to the extreme, utterly immune to criticism or doubt, and prided himself on the fact that he ranked his own plans not by their odds of success, but by how AWESOME they'd be if they DID work. (AWESOME was his favorite word. Yes, in caps.)

Needless to say, I designed him to be more the comic relief than the brains of the group. Comic reliefs have good survivability.

So, finally came the time to introduce King Guurnderk. (Don't ask. The party did. They regretted it.) The party was resting up from their latest debacle in the inn's common room/tavern, and looking to recruit a new tank. In walks King Guurnderk.

DM: "Describe your character."
Me: "I'm a tall, male dwarf, in a kilt and breastplate, with no beard, and a double-sword strapped to my back."
Everyone: "...."
DM: ".... you SHAVED your BEARD."
Me: "Yes!"
DM: "... and you're a DWARF."
Me: "Yes!"
DM: "... that's a mark of insanity among dwarves, you know."
Me: "Yes!"
DM: ".... all right..."

I end up overhearing how the party needs a front-line fighter, and volunteer myself. The party is.... skeptical. Especially since I'm roleplaying the character. Somehow, the "King" part doesn't get noticed amidst the introductions (It'll be a few sessions later before someone picks up on it), but they quickly come to the conclusion that I'm... not all there.

Party: "So, uh, you're a good fighter?"
Me: "I'm an AWESOME fighter!"
Party: "... and you can actually use that... thing?" They indicate the double sword.
Me: "Yes!"
Party: "... no, really, you're actually proficient, rather than just being able to swing it around and do as much damage to your friends as your foes?"
Me: "I am AWESOME with it!"
Party: "... he didn't really answer that question." "Didn't he?" "No, he really didn't."
Me: "Look. Obviously, the three of you are a bit... lacking, let's say, in your mental faculties. From your wounds, you've been struck several blows to the head. This can scramble the wits. I should know. So, let me put this in simple terms. IIIII *gesturing to myself, as if in sign language, and speaking slow as if to an idiot* Aaaaam *Here a pair of thumbs-up* AWESOME!" *I forget the gesture for this*
Party: Stunned silence. Then.... "Let's see how he deals with the ninja."

After being filled in on the details and interpreting this as being hired as a bodyguard, I camp out in the back alley, where I can watch the window into the summoner's room. I have a bottle with me and pretend to be stone-drunk and nearly unconscious. The ninja being DM-invincible, I am somehow identified and rendered unconscious without any benefit from high saves, HP, DR, or even a perception roll, and am found trussed up in the summoner's room with a note tied to my face reading, "Is this the best you can do?" The summoner is not amused.

Me: "I'm getting her measure. She's a moxy one, she is! Yes, she saw through my disguise. But she has underestimated me! She doesn't respect the fierce AWESOMENESS that is my nature! This will be her undoing!"
Summoner: "I really doubt it."
Me: "She's been lulled into a false sense of security. She is now completely unguarded against my new plan."
Summoner: "New plan."
Me: "Yes!"
Summoner: "I don't want to hear it."
Me: "But it's an AWESOME plan."
Summoner: "Your LAST plan was to get ambushed."
Me: "No! It was for me, as an unknown party and in disguise anyway, to catch her entering your room!"
Summoner: "Disguise? WHAT disguise?"
Me: "I was disguised as a drunk."
Summoner: "That's a TERRIBLE disguise!"
Me: "It was an AWESOME disguise!"
Summoner: "You ARE a drunk!"
Me: "See? You fell for it! AWESOME disguise."
Summoner: "So your last brilliant plan was to just be standing out in the back alley, in plain sight, watching my window, and acting drunk, in hopes that the sneaky villain we can never catch in the act is DUMB enough to break-and-enter in broad daylight with a rather flagrant witness present?"

Here, I stop and think, bobbing my head and clearly taxing my limited mental facilities to parse each and every word of that sentence. I start to say something, then stop, as if I realized it wasn't applicable, and go back to my careful consideration. Finally:

Me: "No."
Summoner: "No?"
Me: "That is incorrect."
Summoner: "THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU WERE DOING!"
Me: "No! I was SITTING in the alley!"

At this point, the summoner's player is developing a twitch and a bulging vein in his right temple, which he's been hiding with repeated facepalms, and the other players are having trouble interjecting for laughing too hard. This allows me to take control of the conversation.

Me: "Besides, that was the old plan. This new plan is AWESOME!"
Summoner: "That's what you said about the old plan!"
Me: "This one is even AWESOMER!"
Summoner: "No! Whatever it is, no!"
Me: "It'll be the last thing she'd ever suspect."
Summoner: "Fine. FINE. Tell me what this new plan is just so that you'll SHUT UP ABOUT IT!"
Me: "When she comes back... I'll seduce her."
Summoner: "NO."
Me: "It's an awesome plan."
Summoner: "NO IT ISN'T!"
Me: "It is! She'll NEVER see it coming!"

The summoner's player was struck utterly speechless, torn between a dozen different replies, NONE of which seemed likely to have an effect. The rest of the group (including the DM) devolved into breathless, heaving laughter.

Summoner: "...."
Me: "Look. It's all right to admit. Your mind isn't as awesome as mine. Someday it might be. Growth is a good thing. Of course, mine'll be awesomer then, but it's good to have something to strive for."
Summoner: "YOU'RE NOT SMART!"
Me: "Smarter than you. Why else do I keep winning arguments? The score is four points to nothing."

This was true, if we equate being shocked into nonresponsiveness by sheer stupidity as the same thing as losing an argument. King Guurnderk did. The summoner rallied, presenting three very obvious and cogent points about the seduction-plan's infeasibility, in an almost essay-like format, which was impressive given that the player was shouting himself hoarse.

Me: "Ah. Those are three very good points."
Summoner: "THANK YOU."
Me: "But you recall that I have four points. So I still win."
Summoner: "....."
Me: "That's five points now."
DM: ".... You can't argue with that sort of logic."

At this point, even the summoner's player broke down, and the DM called a fifteen minute break on account of giggles.

[The Random NPC]

AWESOME stuff

Bravo good sir, bravo.

[TuggyNE]

DM: ".... You can't argue with that sort of logic."

Sure can't! (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/InsaneTrollLogic)

[Curtis6566]

AWSOME crazy dwarf story.

Bravo good sir!:smallbiggrin: That was the funnyist one I've read in awhile. I applaud at your RPing skills.

[Guizonde]

not sure if i should post it here or in painful player hijinks, since it's both, but here goes.

same party from the return of elemental evil (see earlier posts). i'm a dwarf priestcleric of pelor, and our dm has officially confirmed that he's using call of cthulu's insanity system. this isn't dnd anymore. this is survival-horror, you decide the measure of which.

anywho, we're in a forest, about 5 days march away from homlet. we've got a water elemental priestess npc(probably near epic level, whereas we're level 5ish), and a ranger (who must be around level 7-9). our elven rogue gets spooked by seeing some xbox-huge warrior on a monstrous tentacle-mount. she's the only one who sees it, and it's blink-and-you'll-miss-it fast. by this point, i cast detect evil, and as expected, i get a nosebleed and a splitting headache. our sorceror casts detect magic, and (unexpectedly) pukes. by now all of us are flipping out, even the drunken halfling monk who saw my nosebleed, and the warrior saw the rogue go catatonic, me bleed, and the caster puke.
so we're sure: the muggles of the party use the spellcasters as alarm bells when we're gonna hurt.
the two npc's detect nothing, despite our warnings. we rush away to a clearing, set up camp, and having both a dwarf and a tiefling in the party, we take the deep night shift. i see a shadow and hear noise. i wake the rogue, who hears distant laughter. the sorceror sends his bat-familiar recon. all of a sudden, he goes catatonic too. the dm described it as being so evil you could taste it. we're irl scared out of our wits, and actively consider burning the forest. the ranger (who'd have killed us if we'd done that) suggests that it's nothing and after slapping me silly (protip, don't insult the dm's ranger, even if he deserved it) says "30 seconds. pack your things. we move now".
we start running, and the dm calls for anal circumference initiative.
both me and the halfling lag right off the bat. we finally see what is after us. an xbox huge white humanoid (10ft tall without the mount) with a halberd-scythe combo weapon. the "horse" is 4 legs, a bunch of tentacles for a face, white too, and this sucker makes us nauseous just by existing. oh, and when i say fast, he caught up with the laggards in 2 turns. the monk sends a flurry of blows, blocked. DR 23 minimum. the sorceror uses his wand of burning hands. 27. blocked.

players: what should we do? staggered retreat? run?
dm: yo, guizonde, what's your dr?
me: 18, why?... let me guess... i'm dead?
*ominous amount of d10 rolls* ok, you take 21 damage. he ran you through with his scythe, and you're carried away.
me: how many crits did you roll?!
dm: enough. (pc general synchronized facepalm)
me: i give up, i'm dead. went from full 27hp to 6.
dm: could be worse. do a CON test please
*rolls*
dm: you lose 1hp. he kicks you off his scythe, and you take... 2dmg

by this time, the party is stunned. i've got ok stats, and in one blow "da boss" (rogue's nickname for that thing) took out the healer (i needed a DD42 concentration check to actually cast a spell. not happening) we had the halfling attack it, and fail, and our caster couldn't damage it point blank. and he gave me a huge hole in my chest. to say the situation was grimdark is understatement.

then he adds matter of factly,

"let this be a lesson that sometimes running away is the only solution."

:smallannoyed: we were not amused. my dwarf spend the rest of the fight insulting da boss and flipping him off. all 3 turns of it. i'm captured, yelling out a brave "by pelor! run!", real heroic sacrifice style (by this point, i was resigned to reroll)

play by play of the conversation (keep in mind throughout i'm at 3hp, and covered in blood. i'm also flipping him off, defiant of both logic, biology, and danger)
boss: tell me everything you know about tharizdun.
me: i don't talk to evil.
boss: do it.
me: the prisoner god. he's building his forces.
boss: has*nearby big city* fallen?
me:i think... maybe, i can't think due to this hole here. *points at chest*
boss: what do you want to do at homlet?
me: *various insults*
boss: tell me. now. or the halfling gets it.
me:*very colorful insults* leave the halfling be. i'll do at homlet what i'll do to your backside. bring light where darkness reigns. with fire. and my mace. multiple times if necessary.
boss: very well. goodbye.
me:*so many insults my dm counted another hp lost due to lacking structural integrity to my lungs*

yup. the dm teaches us that running should always be plan A, and i spent a half hour irl inventing colorful insults based on the church of pelor. why, you ask? because we couldn't hurt this boss. not physically. i damn well hurt his feelings enough though!

[Doorhandle]

Although I do encourage an occasional encounter where the players run their asses off, that above just seems to be cruel. Particularly as the above monstrosity can outrun you ANYWAY.

Also, kudos for sheer defiance.

[Guizonde]

Although I do encourage an occasional encounter where the players run their asses off, that above just seems to be cruel. Particularly as the above monstrosity can outrun you ANYWAY.

Also, kudos for sheer defiance.

meh, we've had worse for breakfast. it almost feels like a deus ex machina that i survived. couple of things though.

1. it was a lesson in derp-mode deactivation. he told us so before the start of the session.
2. he derp'd (told us afterwards). he plain forgot the movement speed modifiers of both a dwarf and a halfling (nevermind the halfling monk actually jumped nearly 90 meters by using all his ki). it was meant to be ridiculous (he had both the scooby doo theme and yakkety sax in the playlist, which incidentally, is way scarier)
3. i'm playing my dwarf more and more like he's not all there anymore. mortification of the flesh, refusing to heal scars (just the damage), implantation of sub-cutaneous holy symbols, more praying and reciting of litanies (getting weirder and weirder, like the litany of screw you), being terrorized being the main feeling he feels and accepting this, considering more and more becoming actively church militant when it comes to combat, accepting death or glory (dwarf and cleric), you get the idea that although he's a great drinking buddy, he's going on a grimdark bender. i've rarely had so much fun playing shell-shock:smallbiggrin:
after what we've been through, being near-death, it was only logical to flip off cthulu and insult it... well, from my dwarf's point of view, anyway. that, and limit the damage by buying time for the rest of the group to flee.

i highly recommend flipping off the bad guy. it's quite cathartic, and helps ease the fact that you're dead and you know it. :smallamused:

[beau highbill]

So playing my first D&D campaign ever I rolled up a halfling rogue, because the DM had told me our party was lacking a rogue. Our party paladin and my rogue faced off on more than one occasion (I was CN he was LG) also relevant to the story is the fact that he took paranoia as a flaw for access to a bonus feat.

After working on ways to get him to lose pally status for quite a few sessions I devised a plan. I threw all 14 of my skill points into perform (ventriloquism) after hitting level 9, I then proceeded to use the ability hide in plain sight that I gained when I prestiged into a shadowdancer, to hide in his shadow walking through a marketplace. Using a mix of bluff and ventriloquism checks (nat 20's no less!) I had convinced him that he head a small child planning on murdering our party while we slept. One power attack later and we were down a paladin, and I was free to jump into the deep end of the alignment pool

[beau highbill]

another story from a few sessions back. My rogue took the flaw (corruption) for a bonus feat, so whenever I roll a 16 on the die I manage to have something horrible happen.


We're out in the forest and have no rations, being 3 days travel from the nearest city I decide to go hunting for the rest of the party. felling confident because I've yet to roll a 16 in the ~2 months this campaign has been going on. I take my bow out and go to get a deer. I roll. 16. Next thing the party knows my 3 foot tall halfing is running through camp with a troll on my heels.

[Lord Torath]

I threw all 14 of my skill points into perform (ventriloquism) after hitting level 9, I then proceeded to use the ability hide in plain sight that I gained when I prestiged into a shadowdancer, to hide in his shadow walking through a marketplace. Using a mix of bluff and ventriloquism checks (nat 20's no less!) I had convinced him that he head a small child planning on murdering our party while we slept. One power attack later and we were down a paladin, and I was free to jump into the deep end of the alignment pool
I think your DM was overly generous with the ventriloquism rules.

How does perform (ventriloquism) work? Is it a magic ability? Or performance art? If it's a performance, you can't use it unless you're the center of attention. So you can't use it if you're Hiding In Plain Sight. Your voice is still coming from you, but by keeping your lips still, and directing your attention elsewhere, you can make it seem like someone/thing else is speaking. Of course, if the other person/thing's lips aren't moving, then going by the source of the sound, they'll still know it was you (or possibly someone hiding directly behind you).

And the Paladin didn't think to Detect Evil Intent? I'm pretty sure someone plotting murder should ping. Is plotting the death of an innocent to cause a Paladin to fall an Evil act? That would have caused you to ping.

I guess if he went through with it, he was okay with falling.

[Blade Conduit]

Ok, playing Pathfinder for the first time. The important members of the group (which hadn't even become an actual group yet) was a witch female 16 yrs old and very small (the important part here is the negative strength check) a paladin, me, slightly drunk (a bit niave at the bar earlier) and a rogue looking for information. Setting the scene we're on a small houseboat tied up at the dock.

Rogue "what can you tell me about that desert hideaway?"
Witch "I can tell you that you'll need some mighty magic to get in."
Rogue "If that's all you have for me I'm out of here."
Rogue leaves and as he prepares to leave dock unties the boat and gives it a small push toward the ocean.
Witch "don't you think it's time for you to leave too shiny?"
Me "yes ma'am" hiccup "sorry to bother you"
As I get ready to disembark I ask ooc do I notice the docks not there?
Dm Roll a perception check
Me rolls nat 1
Dm nope you fall directly into the water wearing your armor since you didn't realize it until after you fell in you're not holding your breath either.


The witch tried to save me but I couldn't roll anything better than a 4 for swim and that's how the rogue killed the paladin with a soft push.

[Ravens_cry]

This is a Pathfinder story, but, eh, close enough.
I was playing a 20th Pathfinder Ninja and we were fighting the end boss. I was literally unseeable, but I could not break DR as the boss was immune to crits and sneak attack. The bane of TWFighters everywhere. Luckily, I had a wand of fly, so I knew what I had to do. I flew up 30 feet and freefell onto the badie, taking damage but also doing damage to it.
Rinse, lather repeat.
That's right, my main contribution to the battle was goomba stomping the boss.

[beau highbill]

I think your DM was overly generous with the ventriloquism rules.

How does perform (ventriloquism) work? Is it a magic ability? Or performance art? If it's a performance, you can't use it unless you're the center of attention. So you can't use it if you're Hiding In Plain Sight. Your voice is still coming from you, but by keeping your lips still, and directing your attention elsewhere, you can make it seem like someone/thing else is speaking. Of course, if the other person/thing's lips aren't moving, then going by the source of the sound, they'll still know it was you (or possibly someone hiding directly behind you).

And the Paladin didn't think to Detect Evil Intent? I'm pretty sure someone plotting murder should ping. Is plotting the death of an innocent to cause a Paladin to fall an Evil act? That would have caused you to ping.

I guess if he went through with it, he was okay with falling.
Our DM allowed it simply for ingenuity sake.
I should add that I'd planted a cursed item (helm of alignment shift-esque on te child to set off the detect evil, as well as having a cloak interwoven with lead thread to not be detected)
And the pally was perfectly fine with it due to an adventure we'd had previously where our Druid with prophetic dreams had a dream where he saw what would happen if our pally put the helm on

[Arranis Thelmos]

Our DM allowed it simply for ingenuity sake.
I should add that I'd planted a cursed item (helm of alignment shift-esque on te child to set off the detect evil, as well as having a cloak interwoven with lead thread to not be detected)
And the pally was perfectly fine with it due to an adventure we'd had previously where our Druid with prophetic dreams had a dream where he saw what would happen if our pally put the helm on

Okay, does the lead thing really work? It's hilarious in OoTS, but I wouldn't let that fly at my gaming table. (I've been particularly careful not to hand out anything lead for this very reason).

[Petrukio]

Okay, does the lead thing really work?

Yes. Both D&D and Pathfinder have the following text in the description of Detect Evil: The spell can penetrate barriers, but 1 foot of stone, 1 inch of common metal, a thin sheet of lead, or 3 feet of wood or dirt blocks it.

D&D (well, d20) (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/spells/detectEvil.htm) Pathfinder (http://www.d20pfsrd.com/magic/all-spells/d/detect-evil)

[Arranis Thelmos]

I'll be... Well thank you very much.

[holywhippet]

Okay, does the lead thing really work? It's hilarious in OoTS, but I wouldn't let that fly at my gaming table. (I've been particularly careful not to hand out anything lead for this very reason).

From the SRD:


The spell can penetrate barriers, but 1 foot of stone, 1 inch of common metal, a thin sheet of lead, or 3 feet of wood or dirt blocks it.

All of the "detect" spells have the limitation IIRC.

That being said, lead is kind of freaking heavy and if a cloak had enough lead in it to block a detect evil spell it would have been hard for a child to be wearing it.

[oball]

[3.5] While exploring a semi-flooded dungeon, we were attacked by ochre jellies. None of us had any bludgeoning weapons, but luckily my rogue was the type who buys up heaps of mundane items, cheap potions and the like in case they ever come in handy. I pulled a crowbar out of my Handy Haversack, coated it in Oil of Magic Weapon, and handed it to the barbarian Jörgen, who proceeded to batter the oozes to death with it, thus earning the nickname "Jörgen Freeman".

[Vknight]

I have a PC who has been turned into a cat. Recently the others found him and asked him what happened. He did not remember the last 3weeks, when I suggested they check the collar he was wearing.
The PC then spent the next minute as a cat trying to get the color off.
I believe I described it as adorable, and very pathetic

[beau highbill]

From the SRD:



All of the "detect" spells have the limitation IIRC.

That being said, lead is kind of freaking heavy and if a cloak had enough lead in it to block a detect evil spell it would have been hard for a child to be wearing it.

Complete scoundrel has putting lead threads into something to block detect spells adds only 10% weight to the object.

[Balmas]

It's been a long journey. The party has traveled through a haunted forest; they beat their way past a young blue dragon as it strafed their position on its mountain with crackling blasts of electricity. The wizard abruptly realized the importance of memorizing feather fall when his fly spell was cancelled more than a hundred feet above the ground.

Finally, they reached the Dwarf stronghold of Beltsten, where they discovered that the dwarven ambassador they were charged to deliver safely is actually the Dwarven prince. His father, King Ironbeard, rules the kingdom with an iron gauntlet of law and order. Honor reigns supreme; knights who fail in their missions beg the honor of being beheaded by their superiors, while peasants--naturally without honor--are treated as tools by those who know how to fight. His son is somewhat more open-minded, but still believes that honor is important.

Amongst this, you would think that there's at least one hero of the common man, and you'd be right. Clement, a self-taught crusader, works the underground to get weapons into the hands of the common dwarf, secretly backed by the Ironbeard's chief advisor and the high priest of Moradin, Keltstin.

The PCs get several quests from several parties; King Ironbeard wants them to find Clement and bring him to a sticky, justice-y end. Keltstin, through Clement, sends them on various quests, such as destroying a particular temple surrounded by fire elementals and filled with devious mechanical traps, or eliminating a particularly vile baron from the hall of lords.

However, things seem fishy about Keltstin. With a little digging, they find that he is actually one of the high priests of Moradin's foe (whose name I unfortunately forget). What's more, the artifact that they delivered to him so kindly will grant him great power in a few days.

It all comes to a head. As the DM, I expect one of a few things to happen: perhaps they will depose the king and set up his more lenient son in his place. Alternatively, they can kill Keltstin and expose what has been going on. They can even play freedom fighters and help establish Clement as a new leader.

Instead, they announced their intention to take over the kingdom.

They pulled it off, too.

[Doran]

What are they doing with it?

[Balmas]

What are they doing with it?

The campaign ended shortly after that, since I had to go to college. Now that I'm back, they'll probably face off against bureaucracy, and endure major confusion at peasants begging to be beheaded.

[Guizonde]

just back from a 48h roleplaying marathon (dnd and whfrp), so please excuse any incoherence. i'll edit later (maybe).

dnd:
the party
dwarf cleric5 (me)
halfling monk4
human warrior5
elf rogue4/sorc 1
tiefling sorc 5
human sorc3/draconic disciple 2

we finally get our butts to hommlet! (yay). first things first, we get plastered at the snazziest tavern we can find (duh, we're adventurers, and some tropes must be enforced). being stupidly paranoid both in and out of character, we all set up detections for entry in our rooms. all sleep separate, except the dwarf and halfling who share a bed, splitting night shift 50/50. spoiler alert, we get attacked.
why did it have to be snakes, this time? oh, and that assassin with a blowgun and an iron golem was no fun, either.
rogue's out, having a snake on her wrist (poison did -2dex, once dex was out, -1str per round)
warrior was out of dex too, having a snake on him too. the monk wakes up the dwarf (a halfling foot to the face will do that) by using him as a jumping board to jump out the window, nailing the assassin. the dwarf hears "HEALER!" and rushes out in his briefs, grabbing his mace. he busts open the door to the warrior's room, and thanks to darkvision spots the snake. one searing light later, both the snake and the warrior were charred. hearing another call, the dwarf rushes out, channeling positive energy and healing most of the damage done saying "sorry, be right back!" to the warrior.
meanwhile, the halfling monk is yelling obscenities to both the assassin and the iron golem. the draconic disciple, alerted by the noise, rushes to help, only to see the halfling take out both with brutal rolls (5turns worth)
once the party regrouped, the conversation between the dwarf and the halfling (now best drinking buddies, one a dwarf, the other a drunken monk) goes so:
dwarf: what happened to you?
monk: just scragged an ugly four times bigger than me on my own. you?
dwarf: uh... i cooked the warrior and healed the rogue?
monk: fair enough, we can't all be awesome.
dwarf: hey, i apologized for it!
boy, did i feel weaksauce.

warhammer: my lizard is trying to get hated enemy: gravity, and favored enemy: masonry. i swear, i hate physics.

the campaign finally relaunched, we're thrown in the deep end (keep in mind the dm is going on a grimdark bender). we're the sacrifices in a nurgle summoning/worshipping ritual (because our day HAS to be ruined).
everybody behaved awesomely, (including the apprentice mage doing 27 damage with a front kick to a cultist) except for me. highlights:

-struggling to break my chains for 6 rounds
-getting blown across a room so big it took me one round to land (whoooo! hang time!)
-hitting a wall hard enough to do 5 wounds worth
-hitting the ground hard enough to do 3 wounds worth
-falling next to a pseudodaemon, giving me one more insanity point and making me fail a terror check.
here, we go into full-blown tex avery mode. (so much for horror)
-i got so scared i climbed up a sheer wall, and ran on the ceiling screaming for my mommy (the mage). for roughly 40 meters upside down (go me failing terror checks, and acing agility tests)
-once i ace a mental strength test, i fail my agility test. remember road-runner cartoons? gravity asserted itself as soon as i wasn't out of my mind with fear. did i fall? yup. missed the elf. missed the ogre. didn't miss the ground (1 wound)
-get up, dust myself off, escape nurgle blood-barf from a bigwig, run away, pick up a rock to throw on a cultist... i hate physics. i barely miss my BS, the rock bounces on debris and goes right back into my face. (my dm just accepted the looney tunes aspect since everyone was laughing so hard by then). the fact that i was indignant in-character didn't help.

a bit later, we get into a room with a lot of boxes and barrels, and a bunch of enemies. the ogre tries to intimidate everyone. it works. all combat is stopped. i'm so out of my mind with fear (100. when i fail, it's all the way) i break open a barrel (i checked if i could hop in). in it is a liquid. in-character, i jump in (i like barrels, i hide in them, and it's a liquid! i can breathe it!)
-guess what? it's pretty darn good beer! and i can breathe it. unfortunately, i'm breathing the stuff. i fail two endurance tests (so i'm drunk as a skunkskink), and with a mental test, gather it's a good idea i get out.
-we ruled that my skink goes rainbow colored instead of its usual active camo when drunk. i get my head out of the barrel rainbow colored and singing.

credibility to a scary scenario: zero. everyone was in stitches. even me (although it was completely accidental on my part. rng's a cruel, if hilarious, master.

[AcerbicOrb]

Not sure if DDO counts, but if it does, I stood by a resurrection shrine within range of an enemy boss. I would blast him, he'd kill me, and I repeated it about twenty times until he died while the rest of my party were a short distance away healing and buffing for the fight.

[Swaoeaeieu]

after our entire party failed a spot check, we all fell into the great big pit trap... when everyone got up some random bad guy stood over the hole going all 'well well well, what do we have here?' and the party barbarian player shouts:'I yell at him till he runs!' throws a intimidate check, natural 20.

so the bandit just got himself a bunch of rich, loaded adventurers, and flees because that one guy yells really hard.
We climb out the hole while the barb mumbles something about scared felines andsuch.

[Lea Plath]

This is from a friend who plays DnD.

He was playing what is best described as Doctor Barbarian. Int and huge muscles. The DM is very happy to toss the rules out the window for a laugh.

Bandit leader. Captured. Has a princess hidden away somewhere who will die unless they find her by moon set.

Barbarian comes in with a large spiked club. And as much animal fat as he can carry in a bucket. Lays club on the table.

"So we can do this the easy way, or the I-stick-this-club-where-the-sun-don't-shine way". Bandit. Not impressed. Knows they can't kill him or the princess will die. Sits there happily.

The doctor then asks to roll his Int to help him intimidating by describing the various places he could stick the spiked club, how he would do it, the tools needed and how it wouldn't kill him.

Needless to say they rescued the princess and the bandit happily went to jail.

[TuggyNE]

Not sure if DDO counts, but if it does, I stood by a resurrection shrine within range of an enemy boss. I would blast him, he'd kill me, and I repeated it about twenty times until he died while the rest of my party were a short distance away healing and buffing for the fight.

Heh. Whisperdoom, anyone? (First time I ran Spawn of Whisperdoom I went in with just one friend, slightly over-level. We died a lot to acid rain before we managed to bring her down.)

[thethird]

So this was a GURPS oneshoot (and it was my actual first time playing it) but checking the rules I was like, man, this is lethal.

There were 3 of us a melee mobster, a gun happy mafia thug, and me a famous assassin. Backstory wise my guy was reckoned for always leaving some pennies at the crime scene as a signature move.

So our little party had the mission of deleting a rival mafia boss and if possible take her daughter as a hostage. Before going in I ask for some equipment, in particular a small explosive that would allow him to blew a reinforced door.

We get into the guys mansion (it was pretty play boy mansion) and we get separated. The melee mobster tries to sneak around and fails horribly he runs through the mansion with the whole security chasing after him. It doesn't take long till he is shotgunned to death. While hat was happening the gun happy guy was sneaking (successfully into the building) and takes the girl while I get one of the mafia cars started for running away. While doing so I left my equipment in the shotgun seat.

Then out of the blue, the guy runs out of the mansion through the front door while he is being chased by the mafia boss with a gun that was clearly trying to compensate for something.

My guy looks at him and then I ask the DM.

Me: Okay, I've started this car and that mafia boss ain't seeing me at all. Is he?

DM: Nope

Me: Great then I start the car and jump out of it while it charges towards the man.

DM: Okay the car crashes at the stairs in front of the mansion and the mafia guy is pissed. REALLY pissed.

Me: I goad the guy so he comes towards me.

DM: He shoots at you while walking *rolls die* it misses

Me: Is he beside the car?

DM: No, he shoots again *rolls die* misses

Me: I keep looking at him until he gets to the car.

DM: okay *rolls die* BANG! You are on the ground bleeding. He is besides the car.

Me: Cool, my character spits some blood and says "keep the change mother****er". Then press the detonator of the bomb.

DM: Were is the bomb?

Me: Well it is on the car, besides the motor...

DM: Oh *checks book for damage of the bomb* Oh... *checks another table for whatever* Oh... Okay... *rolls die* Oh *rolls more die, keeps silent for a minute* Well the good news is the guy is dead. Like, dead, dead, the bad news is... You blew all the cars on a chain reaction, the explosion is BIG. The flying debris is falling all around you and it is getting a lot of attention you start to hear people shouting and running towards you, soon you have all the mafia family surrounding you, standing in a cloud of dust.

Me: I look at the tallest, biggest and meanest of the mobsters. And calmly say "Your boss is dead, you are the new boss. Bosses don't last a lot around me you see, I suggest that you stop being around me, now."

DM: The guy reaches to...

Me: I drew my gun and shoot him in the face. *roll die*

DM: You are on the ground, bleeding to death, that's like a huge penalty. Wait... crap you made the roll the guy is dead.

Me: I look to the second tallest, biggest and meanest of the mobsters. And calmly say "You. Boss. Leave. Now."

DM: The guys leave you alone.

[Lemmy]

*Badass stuff*

Hahahaha! This was ****ing awesome!

I must add this to my list of "Things to do in a RPG!"

[DontEatRawHagis]

Oldy but a classic.

I planned out 2 very different missions for my players. The hotel mission which a Yakuza wetwork team took over. I had planned out each possible question or hint that they could need. As well as a few interesting plot hooks involving the characters. The players knew the location was a possible Drug Den location.

Immediately the "Charismatic" guy in the group said, "I crash the Humvee right though the lobby."

:smalleek:

[Doorhandle]

Oldy but a classic.

I planned out 2 very different missions for my players. The hotel mission which a Yakuza wetwork team took over. I had planned out each possible question or hint that they could need. As well as a few interesting plot hooks involving the characters. The players knew the location was a possible Drug Den location.

Immediately the "Charismatic" guy in the group said, "I crash the Humvee right though the lobby."

:smalleek:

Remember the golden rule: players will fight anything you want them to talk to, and talk to anything you want them to fight.

[UndyingTorso]

I've DMed through a lot of weird moments, but none of them really interfered with the sessions... until one.

Gorak, a dwarf smashy everything in sight barbarian with a giant axe and gear that had a combined weight of at least 600 pounds, ends up failing a few will saves (go figure) and eventually becomes insane after a trek through, what I was hallucinating from a combination of pain killers and allergy meds, an Alice and Wonderland trip.

After they kill the boss and get the magic McGuffin to progress the plot, they head into town to sell their loot and go to the plot important mage with said McGuffin. Gorak, who doesn't go with and wonders off, is hallucinating that everything in the game is either cute, fuzzy, or adorable baby animals (mainly due to Gorak being played by a girl and her obsession with cute animals). She eventually wanders into the bad ghetto of the city through a horrible dice roll. She eventually travels up and finds a show girl style brothel... the conversation ended up being something like this.

Me: You see a brothel, it's run by gangsters around here. You notice that there are not girls in the brothel, but baby puppies.

Gorak: They also in gimp suits?

Me:Umm... sure. What do yo do?

Gorak: I go in, Gorak wants to hug and cuddle with these puppies.

Me: Oooookkkkk. You enter, a man looks at you very interested in your stature (dwarfs are rare around this area).

Gorak: I tell him that I want to cuddle with these puppies in the window.

Me: He looks at you very perplexed.

Gorak: I tell him I want to hug and snuggle next to them.

Me: He says (this is were i start losing it) "Ok, which one do you want?"

Gorak: I want the furriest one you have!

Me: "You know were you are don't you?"

Gorak: I don't care there are puppies and I want to snuggle with them and pet them!

Me: (cracking up) "What puppies these are hookers!"

Gorak: You have puppy hookers!?

Me: "NO WE HAVE HOOKER HOOKERS!"

Gorak: I just want to be smothered in puppies, give me all of them I want to roll in a bed with all of them so they can lick me!

Me: (Im dying from laughter) "FINE YOU CAN HAVE SOME TIME WITH THEM!"

Gorak: YAY PUPPIES!

She rushes into the brothel, pets the hookers (five of them), and scratches thier tummies and freaks the hell out of every one of them, she also explains how she does it, it ends up with me on the floor laughing and the other players as well.

We ended that session after that for I had nothing left in me.

[ReaderAt2046]

It's not really all that funny to me, but once when I was role-playing with my boyfriend and our group I died in a most disturbing way.

Setting: Tamriel's infamous Black Marshes

We were half way through a campaign that had a doomsday "someone is creating an army of dragons... undead dragons." plot. Funny thing is, the DM had allowed me to be a dragon masquerading as a half-elf cleric (in the beginning of the game I was hit with a baleful polymorph spell) with normal player character stats. It was a rather high powered campaign... what with both good and evil undead dragons running around and all... (good ones were being forced).
Surrounded by a hord of skellies and stone golems, I'm captured by a lich cleric and a vampire fighter/soldier. Stabbing me with a poison dagger, the DM lowered my dexterity and constitution I believe, they dragged me into a circle where the lich cast a barrier spell. I think the basis of the spell was a "trap soul" kinda thing. and Lo and behold! My party arrives just then! And battle the vampire brother who is outside of the circle.


boyfriend: I cast my wand of black tentacles at the lich.
DM: You idiot! do you remember the area of effect for that spell?
boyfriend: She's not that close is she?
Me: O.O
DM: She's right next to the lich...
bf: *turns to me* well ehehe... sorryyyy...
Me: What did you dooo??? Q.Q :smalleek:

I had to make 6 fortitude saves in a row in order to survive. I made the first 4, failed the 5th and the damage from the 6th round killed me. I'm not sure how becoming a dracolich worked (and because the DM was trying out a different method of creating Dracolichs from good dragons), but since I died while in the circle my soul was transferred to the host object; a little black gem.

So my boyfriend killed me and turned me into a dracolich... now THAT is love people... :smallwink: imagine the look on his face when he found out I was a dragon PC? :smallbiggrin:

Our next campaign should be fun though. More of a plane-touched campaign. I'm an Aasimar and he's a tiefling. <3

What did he do as an apology? :smallredface::smalltongue:

[DontEatRawHagis]

Playing the Only War game right now from Fantasy Flight. The 40k imperial guard book.

We are a small group of three. One Commissar, One Weapon Specialist, and One Stormtrooper(Not thsoe ones).

What you need to know about Storm Troopers is that they are the Navy Seals of the Imperial Guard. They like working on their own.

Our group discovered a possible rebel base in the middle of the woods. Our job was to investigate and destroy it. We enter in like idiots, because #1 we are itching for a brawling and #2 it looked abandoned on a Critical Success.

Our stormtrooper decides he's going to check the armory while everyone else decides to check out the other areas of the base. Inside the Armory is a rebel Chimera(ie. Tank/transport) and some generic supplies. Our stormtrooper goes up to it and tries to unlock it. Failure. He tries to unhook the tank treads. Unsuccessful. He then gets a welding torch and tries to cut the vehicle's lightning rod(to make a long story short, planet is filled with lightning storms).

After trying everything he can to sabotage, pulls a 50lb barrel of fuel on top of the tank, walks all the way to the exit and shoots.

It is at this point the Weapon Specialist and I are wondering how the Stormtrooper is doing ransacking the Armory for supplies. When-

BOOM!

The entire Armory is a burning pile of slag that would put burning man and Veitnam Napalm strikes to shame. The barrel being filled with Promethium(see Highly Combustible and Flamable, burns in Space) and the Tank being filled with it. As well as the other twenty something barrels that the Stormtrooper forgot about meant that both of us get blown back. The Stormtrooper who started the mess was moderately burned but alive.

Sirens blare. And we book it back to our Chimera.

Commissar: What did you do? :smallfurious:
Stormtrooper: Nothing. :smallredface:

OOC: High fives all around.

[Guizonde]

kersnip

when in doubt, set something on fire! :belkar:

[Amaril]

The first real ongoing campaign I played in was a 4th ed game with some buddies of mine from junior high, with my dad as our long-suffering DM. I was an Eladrin wizard named Amaril, and my friends were playing a Dwarf fighter named Horgroth and a Tiefling warlock named Caboose (don't ask). We also had an NPC Half-elf cleric for heals.

Anyway, as our first adventure, my dad was running the Keep on the Shadowfell module, since he was still learning the rules (I think--I'm not completely sure when this happened, it might have been Thunderspire Labyrinth). A ways into the dungeon, we encountered some hostile goblins, who were attacking us from a series of flimsy wooden-plank walkways above a pit filled with needlefang drakes. My plan is to have myself and Caboose stay back and pick them off with magic missiles and eldritch blasts, but Horgroth had a different idea--taking a few steps back for a running start, he charged straight toward the edge of the platform we were standing on and leaped towards the nearest bridge.

Now, Horgroth understandably had a terrible Acrobatics bonus, due to his heavy armor and, you know, Dwarvenness. However, in a feat that surprised us all, he managed to make the leap perfectly and land with astounding grace on one toe, turning back towards us to taunt us for doubting him (by blowing a colossal raspberry) as he did.

Of course, the next second, my dad informed us that the board Horgroth had landed on had snapped under his foot, dropping him into the drake pit. Hilarity ensued :smallbiggrin:

...Well, I thought it was funny.

[darklink_shadow]

I've read up to page 8, so I decided to post one of my own. Well, four, but all about the same character.

So in a very lightly homebrewed group, I made a master of many forms. Most of what happens involves this character, and "the party."

The Tank

Additional cast:
Sharon: A tank (Literally, an armored gun toting scrap of steel)
The Scout: CE Jackass.
Zakiru: A True Nuetral Intelligent Item that can cast greater invisibility at will, among a handful of other spells. Bonded to me, and can only be used by the person it is bonded to, but CAN be giving away willingly to another (Not under threat, or under charm, etc.)


This event happened after most of the others I am going to list, but it's the shortest, so I'm going to include it. The DM gave us extra skill points per level and feats randomly when we did a good job, instead of levels occasionally, and some of us weren't sure what to do with all these points. The scout put them in Knowledge: Engineering, Craft: Tank and Profession: Tank Builder, and then built a tank. Apparently, he hid every control, and every switch so that only he could operate the tank, in fact he made sleight of hand checks to open the doors so we couldn't see how to do it. He then also started making us pay to use it. It wasn't a lot of gold, so we usually didn't mind.

So, finally I get fed up with this, and get the party wizard to use a half dozen scrolls so that he is under control divination watch during one of our weeklong rest periods (the artificer demands these to make all our magic items, despite our dumb amount of gold.) The DM Ruled that my character now had a working knowledge of how to operate and use the tank. (We did this without telling the scout, or his player.)

Now there is a joke that my master of many forms has "a form for that." We just leveled so I told the scout I bet I could open his tank, and maybe even drive it now with my new form. He IMMEDIATELY shouted "NO! I bet you Sheron vs that stupid Zaki staff you can't! And if you fail even one check I will!" Of course, there are tons of epic level checks involved in opening the tank, unless you know how already. This hunk of steel was the most homebrewed thing in the entire game, I think. But I agreed and told the DM "I open the tank." When the DM smiled and said "OK, it opens." The scout flipped his ****. In the end, I had a new tank, and we had no more Scout. I had ended up turning into an ooze and eating him.

Maybe a little long, and maybe you had to be there. My other stories are shorter and funnier.


The Juggling Chain Devil

Additional cast:
None!

Hell is invading Heaven, but Heaven is winning due to our help. Until hell summons Big T, but that doesn't affect the story right now.

So, with our amazing perception and stealth rolls, we manage to spot a group of chain devils about 300ft away. The party assumes battle formations, but I stop them and say "I want to try something."

So I turn into a chain devil myself (Master of Many Forms and all) and walk up to them, limping and bleeding from self inflicted wounds. They let me into your camp and I tell them all about how I was ambushed by Angels and nearly died. I tell them I was drafted into the army against my will, and that all I want to do with my life is juggle and do magic tricks.

I have maxed ranks in perform juggle and perform Magic tricks, so I start juggling for them, do some sleight of hand stuff, some magic tricks, you know, the works. After a few high rolls, and even a nat 20, I manage to distract them long enough for my party, some of who are not stealthy at all, to sneak up right behind them. They all died during the surprise round. I didn't even get my turn.


Best Prostitue

We had 3 months of down time for our characters, and we were told to make as much money as we could. It was a competition even! And we got two skill points per level given to us to make the gold with. My choice? Perform: Exotic Dancing, Profession: Prostitution.

I argued that with my ability to shapeshift into anything (At this point, I could turn into anything that wasn't undead with a HD of something like 38 or less, of any gender and I could even combine elements from multiple things together. I forgot the whole build, but none of my stuff was homebrew.), I would make the best prostitute ever, as I could fulfill any desire, no matter how strange. I earned more than twice the amount as everyone else combined. DM says it was mostly the dice rolls he had made for us, but I think I know better.


The Free For All

We were all dominated by some God of Gods type wizard, and forced to fight each other to the death. We were allowed to control our characters, but told we had to earnestly try to kill one another. The wizard laughed a bit and said it wouldn't really be that hard to kill us all, all by himself.The scout said he'd win initiative and then use greater invisibility, and be safe form the Wizard and then use his stupid amounts of damage to one shot the Wizard. The fighter said he didn't want to even try. The Cleric had half a dozen spells she was going to use to stop use. They all seemed to agree that the fighter and I had no chance whatsoever, and between the scout and the primary casters, it would come down to the dice rolls, skill checks and such. They asked me what I was going to do, but just then I rolled my initiative (I was the last to roll) and won.

I shifted into a colossal Acidic Ooze, which filled the entire combat arena, and just dissolved the entire party. The Wizard used some cockamamie set of things to get an antimagic field going to turn off my shapeshifting, but I had spent every round doing nothing but readying iron heart surge, which allows me to ignore one magical effect. So I ignored Anti-Magic Field. The Wizard died later that round.

It was basically 6 rounds of them trying a half dozen things to get out of my passive acid damage per round, and those 6 rounds took over half an hour to play through as people start ripping through their books to try to find a way to stop me.

But nothing stops the Ooze. Luckily it was "all an illusion" and nobody really died.


Not sure how funny they will be to you guys, but I enjoyed that character immensely.

[Porqueno]

So me and another member of our party split off to go check out a grove where we were meant to meet a wizard, the wizard wasn't there but he'd left a gnome minion to talk with us. Unfortunately this gnome was living inside a tree at the grove, and desperately wanted to be a dryad. This is generally how gnomes behave in this campaign world, in a very goofy nonsensical way. Anyway, as luck would have it the gnome could communicate telepathically with me as I stood outside the tree. Also as luck would have it, I wasn't the one who needed to talk to the gnome so I had to repeat everything the gnome was saying to me, then my friend would relay her response to me, which I would then repeat to the gnome. and so on, and so forth.

TLDR: I'm the telephone wire between a gnome who wants to be a dryad and my fellow adventurer

So, I decided that since my character isn't the brightest, he would repeat what people said verbatim, not offering any interpretation. This led to much confusion when either of the other characters would use subjective pronouns like "you" or "I". Now gradually we got into a rythm and the dialogue just got very quick and it led to a DnD equivalent of who's on first. I guess you had to be there... it was hillarious though

[Doorhandle]

Not sure how funny they will be to you guys, but I enjoyed that character immensely.

Not to self: Do not challange Darklink's charcters. To a contest of ANYTHING.

[Windy]

My character is the group leader in our current game, and while I don't usually flex my authority I do sometimes have fun with the position. At one point, the party found a wrecked flying ship. We made the best repairs we could and gathered on the bridge to see if she'd fly again. My character calmly walked over to the captain's chair and sat down.

"Number One," he said, "Set course for home. Engage."

[darklink_shadow]

Not to self: Do not challange Darklink's charcters. To a contest of ANYTHING.

Not my fault! They SAID to make broken characters. Not my fault I could break it better than them...:smalltongue:

[AClockworkMelon]

I've got a bunch, but I'll share just one for now: During a long-running campaign I'd DM'd a few years ago the party was engaged in a knock-down, drag-out fight with a hydra in its underground lair. One party member was in trouble and it looked as if it might be curtains for him. The sorcerer in the party had a spell to save him but it required touch and the distance between the two of them was too great for him to deliver it.

This was it. A climactic fight against a huge monster and one character wouldn't be alive to celebrate the victory. It was only after a few moments of frustrated brainstorming that it hit the party: The sorcerer's familiar, a toad named Trevor. He took Trevor in hand and tossed the poor thing across the room, passing the ranged touch attack roll I made him make. Trevor the toad soared through the air, complete with miniature cape that, I kid you not, the player had made after several levels of taking skill points in Craft (Miniature Cape). The toad landed square on the endangered character and the sorcerer was able to cast the touch spell through it, saving the day.

That wasn't the only memorable moment from that epic battle, but it's certainly my favorite.

[Zelphas]

I haven't DMed for my group in months, but this session had some pretty funny moments, again starring the hapless half elf/half drow rogue named Kai. (D&D 3.5, in case anyone wants to know.)

The Party (All level 7 now)
Kai (CN), the aforementioned Elf/Drow Rogue/Swordsage
Shaiya (CN), the Fennec Foxkin assassin
Naranya (CN), the Catfolk Ninja/Rogue
Kiri (CN), the Kitsune pretending to be an Elf Wizard specializing in illusion
Elenia (LG), the High Elf Cleric of St. Cuthbert/ only sane member of the party

Getitoffgetitoffgetitoff!
The party had just managed to save a small group of people, including a Lord's son, from a Formian hive. They were now headed to a Neogi trade camp in search of a vaguely described crown for their patron. After finding out what the Neogi actually were (spider body with eel neck and head, mind-control powers, think that everything belongs or will belong to them), the party is expecting a tough time getting in and out of this camp. As they are heading there, they are attacked by a swarm of Neogi Spawn (ugly baby Neogi that eat everything in sight).
It takes them less than a round to take care of the creepy little monsters--all but one, that is. This little guy launches itself onto Kai's head and spends the better part of two rounds scuttling around while Kai hops around screaming "Getitoffgetitoffgetitoff!" The first round, everyone tries to grab the thing off of Kai's head. Every single player fails their touch attack roll. Kiri sends her cat on top of Kai's head to do battle with the little beast, but it barely scratches the thing.
Finally, after nearly an entire second round where the creature unsuccessfully tried to bite the cat, scuttled around some more, and stuck its tongue out at everyone, Kiri manages to basically poke the thing off of Kai's head with her quarterstaff. The Neogi immediately goes for Kai's foot, but can't get through the boot (failed its attack roll), and Kai dispatches it quickly afterwards. By this time, the Great Old Master(old, crazy Neogi that literally has the spawn eat their way out of it as their reproduction cycle) has made it to the top of the hill, so they now have that to deal with.

Property Damage
The Party successfully manages to bring down the Great Old Master rather quickly, and are now in the Neogi trade camp. They find a shop specializing in magical hatwear, and head inside. the shopkeeper (a Neogi by the name of K'diil) greets them and asks them what they'd like to see. They ask for a crown near to him, and he commands an enslaved Goliath woman to grab it and bring it to the adventurers.
This Goliath was just an NPC I created on a whim, a barbarian of roughly the character's level named Kuori "Blessing" Muaguamathoaguakam. (Goliaths have ridiculous tribal names. Utterly ridiculous.) She was supposed to be a curiosity to the characters, a creature obviously being held against her will, maybe a test of morality for Elenia. Then I rolled her will save against the Enslave ability, and everything changed.
Suddenly, Kuori brings the crown down on K'diil's head, screaming curses at him. K'diil runs to the side and tries to enslave her again, forcing a will save. Nat 20. She screams at him and swings with the crown again. Nat 1. The crown goes flying across the room, smacking Kai full in the face and dealing a moderate amount of damage.
K'diil manages to grab Kuori with a Hold Person spell, offering the adventurers half-price on anything if they knock her unconscious. Kai shrugs and heads forward with his sword while Elenia tries desperately to think of a way to salvage this situation. Kai hits Kuori for 23 nonlethal damage, but that isn't nearly enough to bring down a raging female Goliath. It's Kuori's turn, and she tries again to break out of the Hold Person--and succeeds. With K'diil too far away to punch, she turns to Kai. A one-two punch later, and Kai is very close to being knocked unconscious by nonlethal damage alone.
Outside of the shop, Kiri, Naranya, and Shaiya have elected to watch the horses. Now, the Neogi have a strange symbiotic relationship with Umber Hulks; the Neogi raise them and each Neogi has at least one fanatically devoted to them at all times. K'diil's Umber Hulk, hearing the commotion inside, heads in to make sure his master is all right. Shaiya follows him.
Inside, K'diil is screaming at them that they can have anything, anything they want, just kill her. I had earlier decided that hiding amidst the various bits of headgear was a Beholder Crown. Kuori gets her hands on it, jams it on her head, and points at the Umber Hulk. One failed Fort Save later, and the Hulk is a pile of dust. Shaiya just raises her hands and walks out slowly.
Kai is talking extremely fast now, trying to explain to Kuori that they are just trying to buy her to set her free. He gets decked in the face as he says this, but then his Diplomacy check succeeds and she stops attacking him.

Kai: *Speaking Gnoll* Now, let's just fake fight for a bit before we knock you out, and then we can get you out.
Kuori: *Speaking Gnoll* Yes... or I could do this.

Turns out, one of the spells on the Beholder Crown is Finger of Death. Another failed Fort save later and K'diil is dead on the floor.
Kai and Elenia look at each other for a moment, and then Kai swipes the crown they wanted and they sprint out the door with Kuori right behind them. Elenia, thinking that since Beholders are evil the Beholder Crown=Evil, tells Kuori to leave it behind. Kuori does... but not before destroying the front of the shop with one last spell (Telekinesis).

TL;DR Story 1: A level 7 party has trouble catching a CR 1/3 mutant spider thing.

TL;DR Story 2: A random NPC suddenly acts like a PC and destroys two powerful creatures and a building.

Not sure if they're funny to you; they seemed funny to me at the time.

[Techmagss]

>is me haemo monk
>somehow wake up in a camp where some woman is in a bath pit thingy
>stare at woman
>makes hide check
>natural 20 whew
>DM goes into detail about body parts with the woman
>me being smart asks "Is there anything hard about this quest" I ask DM
>"Yes, look down." he replies.
>looks down
>something hard is in my pants
>SCARRED FOR LIFE

[Guizonde]

>is me haemo monk
>somehow wake up in a camp where some woman is in a bath pit thingy
>stare at woman
>makes hide check
>natural 20 whew
>DM goes into detail about body parts with the woman
>me being smart asks "Is there anything hard about this quest" I ask DM
>"Yes, look down." he replies.
>looks down
>something hard is in my pants
>SCARRED FOR LIFE

reminds me of an argument i had with my dm. me, proud dwarven cleric of pelor, finally freed from the iron maiden i was in, sees a water elemental priestess (cleric? i honestly don't know). she's got like 24 charisma, so she should be drop dead gorgeous to the point that you have to take a will save not to be speechless. my response? "she's ok looking. i've got different standards of beauty than you longlegs". it sounded so gruff-dwarf that i even had the dm smiling. (still got to take the test, though. made it, too!)

[Techmagss]

Also
>Is me lizazrdman rogue
>Me goes on quest
>Me almost finished quest needs to get to dragons island
>Me flies to a place called 'Dreadland'
>Me was with cap'n of an airship
>Captain betrays me tries to leave
>Punches cap'ns head open, zombies come onto ship
>Throw brain down while I was flying
>Zombies chase brain
>Zombies die of fall damage
>Happy fun times

[enderlord99]

Also
>Is me lizazrdman rogue
>Me goes on quest
>Me almost finished quest needs to get to dragons island
>Me flies to a place called 'Dreadland'
>Me was with cap'n of an airship
>Captain betrays me tries to leave
>Punches cap'ns head open, zombies come onto ship
>Throw brain down while I was flying
>Zombies chase brain
>Zombies die of fall damage
>Happy fun times

Is me wanting to know what translation software you use.

[cree24]

I DM on a regular basis for my friends and I always try my best to keep things interesting and engaging to all of my players. We usually play with around the same four people but I wanted to do something different so I designed a main plot line and back story with a large four foot by four foot canvas map I had made a month or so earlier using my calligraphy tools. ( Coolest map I've ever made)

Anyways I decided that I would have everyone in the group play as the same race but I would let them choose. I should've known better because all of these guys have been playing Warhammer for years and they all love Dwarves.

So a week or two later when I had tweaked everything to fit their race and where they would start out in the world I had them all start out as dwarven miners in the massive hold of Minudthrad (A large mining center in the Western lands of my world)

So, as most dnd campaigns start the players we hired as tunnel workers for a mining boss in the lower holds. One night after a long shift of clearing rats from an old tunnel that had recently come into use again the characters retreated to the miners town at the rear of the mine. They decided that they would spend some of their newly acquired copper pieces in the nearby bar.

After spending a large portion of their night chugging ale and smoking tobacco the dwarves had become so drunk I had them rolling to keep upright every turn. They thought that they would've spent their morning sleeping off their hang overs and bedding the bar maidens but the night shift had broken into an old tunnel used by goblins and all hell broke loose.

When the first waves of goblins becan to reach the mining town the dwarves were oblivious, rolling 2's and 3's for perception and intelligence checks they were smashed.

Well, when the goblins finally broke into the bar and began sacking the town the characters erupted into the funniest bar fight I've ever witnessed as a DM.

Thralin (the paladin of the group)- Who kept trying to use "Lay on hands" on the barmaiden started spouting off oaths to Moradin as he spun chairs into goblin heads and accidentally hitting his companions more than once.

Gofin Gunderson, the bard of the group started playing his lute as he sat atop a large ale keg and stomped out a hearty tune.

Doloric Oathhammer, the fighter of the group lost his axe after he slipped and stuck it in the ceiling, flinging it into the rafters where it still is lodged today.

All in all the characters slipped in ale, fell drunk, or tripped over each other over twenty times and it took them almost an hour to kill ten goblins. By the time they had cleared the bar the town had been sacked and they were trapped, drunk off their arses, and shoulder deep in goblins and orcs.

In the end they managed to clear the ENTIRE town by pure luck and the lack of fear they had gained do to their liqueur, killing the Orc chieftan that had led the attack by plowing him into a wall with a mining machine that in turn brought down the tunnel before them and saving the town.

By the time they had been brought to the King's hall for honors they had sobered up and as the king rewarded them for their effort in saving the town Gofin spewed his dinner all over the kings shoes.

They still talk about this game, three years later. Everytime they meet royaly they make Gofin stand far away from the lords shoes.

Not very funny but I loved it.

[Doorhandle]

I DM on a regular basis for my friends and I always try my best to keep things interesting and engaging to all of my players. We usually play with around the same four people but I wanted to do something different so I designed a main plot line and back story with a large four foot by four foot canvas map I had made a month or so earlier using my calligraphy tools. ( Coolest map I've ever made)

Anyways I decided that I would have everyone in the group play as the same race but I would let them choose. I should've known better because all of these guys have been playing Warhammer for years and they all love Dwarves.

So a week or two later when I had tweaked everything to fit their race and where they would start out in the world I had them all start out as dwarven miners in the massive hold of Minudthrad (A large mining center in the Western lands of my world)

So, as most dnd campaigns start the players we hired as tunnel workers for a mining boss in the lower holds. One night after a long shift of clearing rats from an old tunnel that had recently come into use again the characters retreated to the miners town at the rear of the mine. They decided that they would spend some of their newly acquired copper pieces in the nearby bar.

After spending a large portion of their night chugging ale and smoking tobacco the dwarves had become so drunk I had them rolling to keep upright every turn. They thought that they would've spent their morning sleeping off their hang overs and bedding the bar maidens but the night shift had broken into an old tunnel used by goblins and all hell broke loose.

When the first waves of goblins becan to reach the mining town the dwarves were oblivious, rolling 2's and 3's for perception and intelligence checks they were smashed.

Well, when the goblins finally broke into the bar and began sacking the town the characters erupted into the funniest bar fight I've ever witnessed as a DM.

Thralin (the paladin of the group)- Who kept trying to use "Lay on hands" on the barmaiden started spouting off oaths to Moradin as he spun chairs into goblin heads and accidentally hitting his companions more than once.

Gofin Gunderson, the bard of the group started playing his lute as he sat atop a large ale keg and stomped out a hearty tune.

Doloric Oathhammer, the fighter of the group lost his axe after he slipped and stuck it in the ceiling, flinging it into the rafters where it still is lodged today.

All in all the characters slipped in ale, fell drunk, or tripped over each other over twenty times and it took them almost an hour to kill ten goblins. By the time they had cleared the bar the town had been sacked and they were trapped, drunk off their arses, and shoulder deep in goblins and orcs.

In the end they managed to clear the ENTIRE town by pure luck and the lack of fear they had gained do to their liqueur, killing the Orc chieftan that had led the attack by plowing him into a wall with a mining machine that in turn brought down the tunnel before them and saving the town.

By the time they had been brought to the King's hall for honors they had sobered up and as the king rewarded them for their effort in saving the town Gofin spewed his dinner all over the kings shoes.

They still talk about this game, three years later. Everytime they meet royaly they make Gofin stand far away from the lords shoes.

Not very funny but I loved it.

This, my friends, is why you play dwarves.

[Scorpier]

This involves myself in an Eberron campaign, a Paladin, and our party's rogue/battle trickster (Mac) who was played by one of my closest friends. In game our character's were somewhat at odds, what with him being a rogue and myself a paladin. Many a time "goody two shoes" jokes flew around, both in and out of character.
Anyway, two things.
We were sniffing out pockets of Blood of Vol fanatics in some big city, and we found one we knew of. It was guarded by a single sentient undead. The party begins to plan out how to best do this, when my paladin (after rolling diplomacy/bluffs)just jovially walks up to the guard, introduces himself as one of the cult members, then shakes his hand. Then activated Lay on hands for all it's worth. The guard turned to a pile of dust. The rogue had a little bit of respect for my paladin, by then.

The crowning moment was later on. The rogue came upon a very nice bow given to him by a trickster demigod. Naturally, the bow had a serrated diamond bowstring that, while it couldn't be destroyed (because magic), would cut the fingers off anyone who tried to use it. He offset it by grabbing a pair of magic gloves.
ANYWAY, later on he got knocked unconscious and imprisoned, all of his gear being taken from him. My paladin was among the group we sent to rescue him, and after healing him up we found his gear. Not having the time to suit up, he opted to just use his bow without donning anything else. Right before he goes to nock and arrow, my paladin stops him, reminding him of the bowstring. That wasn't the funniest of thing that happened that session (the funniest of which was an army of chickens assaulting a floating pirate city-ship, which is a story for another post if anyone wants to hear it), but we all did have us a good laugh.

[Guizonde]

This involves myself in an Eberron campaign, a Paladin, and our party's rogue/battle trickster (Mac) who was played by one of my closest friends. In game our character's were somewhat at odds, what with him being a rogue and myself a paladin. Many a time "goody two shoes" jokes flew around, both in and out of character.
Anyway, two things.
We were sniffing out pockets of Blood of Vol fanatics in some big city, and we found one we knew of. It was guarded by a single sentient undead. The party begins to plan out how to best do this, when my paladin (after rolling diplomacy/bluffs)just jovially walks up to the guard, introduces himself as one of the cult members, then shakes his hand. Then activated Lay on hands for all it's worth. The guard turned to a pile of dust. The rogue had a little bit of respect for my paladin, by then.

The crowning moment was later on. The rogue came upon a very nice bow given to him by a trickster demigod. Naturally, the bow had a serrated diamond bowstring that, while it couldn't be destroyed (because magic), would cut the fingers off anyone who tried to use it. He offset it by grabbing a pair of magic gloves.
ANYWAY, later on he got knocked unconscious and imprisoned, all of his gear being taken from him. My paladin was among the group we sent to rescue him, and after healing him up we found his gear. Not having the time to suit up, he opted to just use his bow without donning anything else. Right before he goes to nock and arrow, my paladin stops him, reminding him of the bowstring. That wasn't the funniest of thing that happened that session (the funniest of which was an army of chickens assaulting a floating pirate city-ship, which is a story for another post if anyone wants to hear it), but we all did have us a good laugh.

thank you for showing that paladins and rogues can work together, especially if they're vitriolic best buds!

also, this thread is more than relevant right now (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=272933)

even better, in my PF campaign, the half-ork paladin is masquerading as a pseudo-CN mercenary (despite being LG, if anyone ever cast detect alignment). the CN ranger spotted him laying on hands on a fugitive (to interrogate later). when she asked him about it, his answer: "like you'd be parading around in shining armor in riddle-port. i know my life expectancy here. so i play by the rules. i sneak. i infiltrate. i do the most damage i can unseen. i spread the good word unseen. my large two-handed scimitar is to dissuade people".
what is not mentioned is that his large two handed scimitar dissuades people in two or three gory bits, just like a real merc. but oddly enough, he always wants to spend an hour alone every day, to "meditate on the mortality of his race and profession". :smallamused:

of note, sarenrae (LG) has a scimitar as her preferred weapon. another god (CE, but i forgot the name) has a two-handed scimitar as a preferred weapon. he took exotic weapon (scimitar) to get bonuses to use an oversized weapon without penalties (face it: 2d6 dmg coming from that is awesome, forget optimization). RAW, it works for all scimitars, so he's willingly using a weapon that throws off the scent of being a scion of a LG god by using a CE god's weapon, while looking even more intimidating.

it was done accidentally (he really wanted the two-hander), but now that the pieces are together, they fit so well someone must think it was done on purpose!

... oh, and out of a party of 6 (ranger, pally, sorceror, bard, barbarian, and rogue), only the ranger knows, and has sworn secrecy: you watch my back, i'll watch yours. failing that, i'll heal you.

it's good to see teamwork between different alignments :smallsmile:

[Scorpier]

It was that same campaign: Eberron. My paladin was a follower of Heironeous (Yes, I know there's no Heironeous in Eberron, long story). We were tasked with protecting the queen from a kidnapping, which despite the DM's many attempts, we foiled or postponed every opportunity for him to do so.

Enter the scarbacks, a group of bloodthirsty pirates that were tasked by the Blood of Vol to kidnap the queen. We sent our rogue to infiltrate (which bring us to our previous post). The scarbacks' ship was close to the size of a modern day aircraft carrier, and of course it floated in the air, because magic. Our party of 5, now 4 due to the captured rogue, were outmatched.

Earlier on, myself an the party's druid ran into a weird procession: a man on a wagon whose only words were "Birds." Following him were all matter of flightless fowl, from chickens all the way up to velociraptors. We asked his help in the coming war with the blood of Vol, and through the strange man's Grand Vizier, an awakened penguin, they accepted. He told us that if we needed him, all we had to do was tell a flightless bird.

So, fast forward a bit. We bought and outfitted our own flying skiff and used it to catch up to the gigantic floating ship. It was at this point my character remembered the strange man's promise to help. I asked the druid to summon a chicken. Here's the scene that followed: Scorpier Tegrate, in gleaming armor with the sword of his lord belted to his back, taking a knee on the deck of a floating ship, imploring a chicken for its aid.

The chicken clucked, then jumped off our skiff.

Not 4 seconds later, what can only be described as a WAVE of poultry (and dinosaurs) engulfed a large part of the ship, giving us the time we needed to rescue the rogue and destroy the ship.

If anyone has the art skills to draw a paladin asking a chicken for help I will love you for ever.

[Guizonde]

If anyone has the art skills to draw a paladin asking a chicken for help I will love you for ever.

i'll try to get on it. i'll need a few things though:

-description (physical, mental) of the paladin. race, hairstyle and color, type of armor, weaponry, age, scars, state of equipment (pristine, damaged, well-kept...), and anything you find significant.
-if it's for an avatar, call up the others, but i can totally work with doing a picture on a ship's deck (freeform, no rulers, no rules, not much perspective)
-colored? shaded? inked? it'll be inked for sure, so the scanner can pick it up, but besides greyshade, i'm not confident enough to try it (i pencil, ink, then scan. photoshop is for the pros)
-regular run of the mill chicken, or some kind of divine poultry? :smalltongue: no seriously, my cleric of pelor came across a beaver with a patch of fur strongly resembling a sun on its forehead (gods work in mysterious ways), so i'm asking.
-time: with luck, i can pull it off in a week. more likely than not, two.

payment: you will love me forever :smallbiggrin: that's too cool as it is

[Saito Takuji]

one somewhat amusing situation. the party had comissioned an airship so we could get to the city we needed to go quicker than otherwise. now an unusual part about this was the way the ship was powered. the way it was powered was, there was an orb near the captians seat, well under it in a seperate room really, but near enough, and to power the ship a spellcaseter would hold the orb, and the closer his body to it, the faster the ship went.
the way the captian would communicat a request for more speed was using the caster, basically as a pedal. now, as part of this the caster would burn thru spell slots to power the ship, the faster the ship went the higher the slot used.


Now i was playing a warlock, and as such did not have any spell slots to use up, and voulentered myself to power the ship to help mitigate the cost of our trip. once i realized the way it worked in regards to speed, i wraped my body around the orb, causing the ship to go at insane speeds, getting us there quite early, and when the captain called for a stop, i simply let go of the orb entirley, causing the ship to come to an instant stop. after that, well inertia kicked in, and considdering the speed we were going, wich had to be at least 150-200 mph, well lets just say me powering the ship didnt make up the difference of repairs that resulted from this, the captian and crew did find it hilarious tho, so we did get to live at least

[holywhippet]

Now i was playing a warlock, and as such did not have any spell slots to use up, and voulentered myself to power the ship to help mitigate the cost of our trip. once i realized the way it worked in regards to speed, i wraped my body around the orb, causing the ship to go at insane speeds, getting us there quite early, and when the captain called for a stop, i simply let go of the orb entirley, causing the ship to come to an instant stop. after that, well inertia kicked in, and considdering the speed we were going, wich had to be at least 150-200 mph, well lets just say me powering the ship didnt make up the difference of repairs that resulted from this, the captian and crew did find it hilarious tho, so we did get to live at least

A few catgirls may fall by the wayside if I say this, but that makes no real sense at all. Surely the orb would provide acceleration/force rather than speed. Otherwise whenever it started/stopped it would always jump to a certain speed rather than accelerate/decelerate. Letting go of the orb should just make the ship stop accelerating rather than slamming to a halt.

[Saito Takuji]

GM worked it as providing the speed instead of acceleration, probably rule of funny

[TuggyNE]

A few catgirls may fall by the wayside if I say this

To which I say: Good! Let them die! Let them all die! *maniacal laughter*


but that makes no real sense at all. Surely the orb would provide acceleration/force rather than speed. Otherwise whenever it started/stopped it would always jump to a certain speed rather than accelerate/decelerate. Letting go of the orb should just make the ship stop accelerating rather than slamming to a halt.

That's pretty much what I figured myself; it seemed weird to have a sequence of basically "you let up on the gas pedal too fast, and now your car judders to a halt in the middle of the freeway, shattering under the strain of deceleration".

It's especially bad in space, since there's not much to decelerate against. :smalltongue:

[Ifni]

From several years ago...

Situation: the party, which is around L10, includes a sorcerer, a wizard, and several other PCs. The wizard is a highly respected senior member of a local arcanists' guild. The sorcerer is a more junior member of the same guild, and needs a recommendation from a senior member to get promoted. (They're the same level, just the wizard is a Mage of the Arcane Order and the sorcerer is a... sorcerer.)

The sorcerer knows Teleport (it's her only L5 spell). The wizard has prepared one Teleport and one D-Door. (They have other spells, but these are the relevant ones for this adventure.)

------------

In the morning, the group receives an urgent message from a kobold paladin they know from previous adventures. It says that he's in Zeif (a country on the other side of the continent), he's been falsely accused of a crime and arrested, can they please come help.

Sorcerer: "We have to save him! ... but I've never been to Zeif."

Wizard: "Well, I can scry on him and then teleport there... er, with half the party. Not everyone. Sorry guys."

Sorcerer: "No problem! Teleport there with me and as many others as you can take, then I'll know the area and I'll be able to come back for the others."

Three Teleports later, the whole party is in Zeif.

Some investigation later, the party finds themselves down at the waterfront, looking for a witness to the alleged crime. They see someone who looks like their target about a hundred yards away... around the same time that a giant air elemental coalesces and tries to smack him.

Sorcerer: "We have to save him! Wizard, I have a plan! When you're ready, I'll teleport us over there, you ready an action to d-door us and the target to safety!"

(Yes, this would've been easier with Benign Transposition. Core only, what can you do...)

Wizard: "Uh, sure, I can do that."

(plan goes off without a hitch, they end up back with the rest of the group)

Wizard: "Well that was surprisingly satisfactory."

Giant water elemental hiding in the bay: "Hello, Mister Wizard! How's your grapple check?"

Wizard: "... oops. That was my remaining anti-grapple spell, wasn't it?"

Sorcerer: "... ow."

(moment of realization)

Sorcerer: "Ack! My promotion!"

(moment of consideration)

Sorcerer: "GM, can I reach into the grapple to teleport him out?"

GM: "He is stuck inside a whirlpool."

Sorcerer: "... can I jump into the whirlpool and grab onto him to teleport him out?"

GM: "The concentration check will be really hard..."

Sorcerer: "... can I cast Teleport, hold the charge, and leap into the whirlpool and just try to slap him as he goes past?"

GM: "... sure. Go for it."

(one successful touch attack later...)

GM: "All right. Where are you teleporting to?"

Sorcerer: "Well, I want us to be able to participate in this fight. Teleporting 120ft straight up and casting Feather Fall, that'll give us two rounds to blast from above."

GM: "Okay!"

(moves miniatures)

GM: "So, you remember that giant air elemental?"

Sorcerer: "... oops."

-----------------

The remainder of the fight went fine; the sorcerer managed to successfully solo the air elemental with empowered scorching rays, while the rest of the group dealt with the water elemental. And she got her promotion. But it was a fairly classic example of (a) when all you have is a Teleport hammer, everything looks like a nail, and (b) that particular character's tendency to make everything up as she went along.

(See also, in another game: "I cast Evard's Black Tentacles on the animated siege engines!" GM: "The tide of battle turns. The demonic hordes surge forward." Sorcerer: "... wait." GM: "You didn't ask who the devils were fighting.")

[Grindle]

While playing Ravenloft (the 3.5 edition), my party found our way through three secret doors in a row, and into a hidden part of the castle. While there, we ran into a system of large gears, though exactly what purpose they served we couldn't tell.

Anyway, my brother and I were convinced that the giant hidden gears were evil, and so we shoved a sword into them, to try to break them. It didn't work. Then, we shoved an entire suit of full-plate armor that we had found into the gears, which broke them pretty effectively.

At the time, our DM misled us into believing that we had broken a perfectly innocent elevator system that would have allowed us to travel to the hidden sections of other floors, and we felt pretty dumb.

When we finished the module, he admitted that we had actually really messed things up for him, because the gears actually had been evil, and the elevator system was used by monsters to travel between floors without running into us.

[Scorpier]

I'm playing an optimized Deepwood Sniper in a 3.5 setting called Midnight (Basically, the BBEG won and the world is screwed; no magic (at least not what we're used to, some peoples are still fighting back...There's more to it than that, but that's the basic gist). I recently hit level 10 in Deepwood Sniper, so ANYTHING that the DM describes to us (usually an enemy), my first and only question is: "How far away is it?" followed by "I can hit that."

And I do. Boy, I do.

Some more specific ones, for you.
BOOM, HEADSHOT
A specific time, same campaign. Myself and the party's then cleric (which was to this day a point of contention, having a cleric in a campaign setting where most magic was forbidden. The DM made it make sense, but the player RPd it rather poorly) were advancing on to a seemingly abandoned fortress with the rest of the party behind when we were attacked by an assassin. The cleric took a sneak attack and I released my readied arrow. Roll: 20. Roll to confirm: 20. I do a grand total of upwards of 70 damage with one arrow and the assassin rolls his FORT save (we have a house rule that when a character takes more than half their HP in damage, they make a DC 15 fort save or die) and rolls too poorly to stay alive. He fluffed it as a headshot. As soon as he drops, his wyvern attacks us, and it was described to us as being undead, but having a strange glowing rune on his head. Naturally, every one else in the party (who had caught up to us) attacks this enemy wherever they can hit it. My turn? "I aim for the rune on his head." The DM gives me a look halfway between a "Good, you figured it out!" and "D****t, you figured it out early." Needless to say, I killed that wyvern.

HULK, SMASH
That same Eberron campaign (I know I write about it a lot, but we were at that one for nearly 2 years.) My brother (whose first time it was playing D&D) was running an Orc Frenzied Beserker. He infiltrated the air-pirates I mentioned in previous posts, and passed their violent rites of passage with such ferocity that he was given second in command. He was given his own ship and was sent on a few assignments by the captain. Shenanigans ensued. He ended up picking up our party's shini-whatsitsname (DM let a palyer roll up a Bleach character. Meh) and they went to meed a white dragon and his entourage as part of the shini-thingy's backstory stuff. The negotiations went sour and the shini-dude died. Enraged, well, enfrenzied at the loss of a comrade, my brother's orc sliced the wing off the white dragon in one blow, then (after dropping his sword) grabbed the next closest thing to use as a weapon: the anchor chain to his flying ship. I don't remember what the damage was, but the white dragon teleported out and the entourage became a nice looking smudge in the side of the ship. And the shini-guy got rezzed by a cleric that was part of my brother's crew. He also mended the ship. Good times, gooooood times.

[The Random NPC]

(we have a house rule that when a character takes more than half their HP in damage, they make a DC 15 fort save or die)

FYI, the only house rule in that statement is needing to do more than half their HP, normally you just need to do 50+.

[boomwolf]

A but long, but a serious fail on the party's side

I a game i ran long ago, I had a recurring villain who was a dread necromancer that had a strong sense of self-preservation and ALWAYS sent out his minions to fight and only went in as a last resort.
Also, he had a nifty custom spell that allows him to drain nearby undead to heal himself.

So, when the party decided to attack his "mage castle of doom" (pretty much a ruin with 3 floors), they came up with a plan three will make a mess in to courtyard, making him send his minions to fight, while the other two sneak up and kill him.

Now the party consists of 5 guys: A pyro sorcerer, a cleric (who got the ability to channel both positive and negative), a ghoulified scout, a rouge/assassin and a dungeoncrusher fighter.

Now, the problem is that one of the sneaks could not be allowed near the necro, so they settled for sending in the fighter with the assassin, and having him leave his armor so he could sneak a bit.

Theory put to practice, the sorcerer made havoc, the scout watched his back, and the cleric kept them both alive the two DID manage to sneak up on him, with only two skeleton bodyguards, but with the assassin missing he wasn't badly hurt, one ghoul touch spell later, and the assassin got paralyzed.
Being desperate, the fighter came up with the "brilliant" idea of crushing him through the wall, hoping the fall will take him down.

Que one dungeoncrush later, the necro is flying down, followed by the fighter who failed to stop, and the both fall down into the courtyard, an on top of the sorcerer.
Sorcerer dies from the fall damage, fighter gets knocked out, and the necro is on the brink of death, but his turn is up. by the end of it the scout got drained to death, the necro is fully healed and whats left of the party is a mostly out-of-spells cleric and an unconscious fighter with no armor on facing the necro and a dozen of his skellies, while another two tear apart the paralyzed assassin.

needless to say that one ended in a TPK, never again did they split the party to try "tactical assassinations"

[Scorpier]

FYI, the only house rule in that statement is needing to do more than half their HP, normally you just need to do 50+.
I know that, that's why the half HP part is the house rule.

[Lvl45DM!]

Our party was fighting some monsters in a very muddy and unstable cavern that had a number of "quickmud" pits. The guy playing the halfling wasn't paying too much attention so he waltzed right into one in an attempt to get off a backstab. The DM gives him a Dex roll to get out before he falls in, but the guy fails by one. Desperately trying to get any advantage he could the halfling pointed out "I'm wearing boots of speed!"
The Dm is a nice guy so he rolled with it and gave him another DEX at +2. The guy rolls a 20 (Which in 1st Ed is a big failure on ability score rolls). The DM rules that he sinks like a stone, kicking mud everywhere, splattering the mage, effectively blinding her.
But the best part was, after the fight we dragged him out half alive. The DM said "You'll have to clean him up, he literally has mud everywhere, entrenched in every orifice". So we joke around about who has to give the halfling a colonoscopy. While we're doing that the mage who got hit in the face with mud pulls out her Chime of Opening.
Anyone who's read Artemis Fowl can figure out what happened next :P Think Mulch Diggums.

A bit low brow perhaps but we thought it was damn funny.

[Oromis1]

It's been a while, both since I've last posted and since this story took place, but for those who forget, I play a D&D-esque RPG called Chivalry & Sorcery. It may not be exactly like it, but it can still be just as crazy.

The party:
Moric, the "unorthodox" knight errant
Oromis, the wood-elven wizard/fighter (me)
Andrew, the human cleric
Marc and William, two squires to Moric
And Joseph King... the bard.

Our party was trekking through a forest, trying to find a bunch of evil witches. I scouted ahead (we had already run into some goblins), and spotted a bunch of goblins who were preparing to ambush us. I had this great idea of using a spell to create a noise to distract or scare them, but they thought it was the signal to attack, and attacked us before we (or they) were fully ready.

Moric and Marc failed their rolls, was knocked off their horses. But while Moric, a fully trained knight, managed to recover and start beating up goblins, Marc was knocked out, and was tied up. The bard noticed this, and tried to ride to help him, but only managed to hit his head on a tree branch.

In the confusion, Moric somehow managed to tell his warhorse to free Marc. And better yet, the horse managed to take out the goblins who tied him up, and help him just enough to free himself.

It was a day of failed rolls all around, and even though we won, it's still a sad day when a horse does better than some of your players.

[Devmaar]

From my session today

Best moment: we're in our war canoe, heading to where we think 2 pirate crews we've been hired to negotiate with are meeting (also, our former team-mate is there but that's secondary). As we go the warlock passes the time by shooting fish with his eldritch blast. This attracts a shark. The shark attacks the boat and we have a round of combat (the DM said the shark was near enough to the surace that he wouldn't apply underwater penalties)
Warlock: I eldritch blast it
Psion: Mind Thrust!
Warblade(me): I hit it
so, the shark's now heavily wounded. It's the bard's turn, in our last combat he stopped playing his lute just in time to kill-steal against the gelatinous cube. We all think he's about to kill steal again when,
Bard: I take my rapier, and jump onto the shark!
Everyone: ...
DM: Roll a jump check
*natural 1*
DM: You trip over the edge of the boat and fall into the water. The shark takes an attack of opportunity.
*Bard is unconscious*
*Shark grabs bard and swims away*
Warlock player: Wow. That's what, 25 minutes into the session?
Psion player: and 15 minutes of that was naming the boat.

[Guizonde]

From my session today

Best moment: we're in our war canoe, heading to where we think 2 pirate crews we've been hired to negotiate with are meeting (also, our former team-mate is there but that's secondary). As we go the warlock passes the time by shooting fish with his eldritch blast. This attracts a shark. The shark attacks the boat and we have a round of combat (the DM said the shark was near enough to the surace that he wouldn't apply underwater penalties)
Warlock: I eldritch blast it
Psion: Mind Thrust!
Warblade(me): I hit it
so, the shark's now heavily wounded. It's the bard's turn, in our last combat he stopped playing his lute just in time to kill-steal against the gelatinous cube. We all think he's about to kill steal again when,
Bard: I take my rapier, and jump onto the shark!
Everyone: ...
DM: Roll a jump check
*natural 1*
DM: You trip over the edge of the boat and fall into the water. The shark takes an attack of opportunity.
*Bard is unconscious*
*Shark grabs bard and swims away*
Warlock player: Wow. That's what, 25 minutes into the session?
Psion player: and 15 minutes of that was naming the boat.

duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude, harsh!

*plays the surf music song called "shark attack"*

[Theomniadept]

I have a few stories myself that I should try to recall better, but for now I just remember my nudist.

He wasn't a nudist by choice, mind you. Not all life decisions are made by you, for you.

See, he was a simple Vow-of-Poverty Healer/Apostle of Peace that I made specifically underpowered for this game (long story short the DM hated everything pertaining to having money or being able to use skills, because knowledge (local) was clearly too powerful).

No matter what happened, no matter the situation, or the circumstances, or the DC or my modifers: if there was a Fireball spell cast that included me in the radius, I would roll a natural 1. This happened 6 freakin times.

The natural 1 rules on reflex saves cause damage to your equipment. Again, VoP. I had clothes, a club that was basically just a dead tree limb, and a spell component pouch.

6 times I had to walk into some town completely naked. Also I had to keep track of what spells of mine had material/focus components so I would know what I can or cannot do while naked.

[ZeroGear]

6 times I had to walk into some town completely naked. Also I had to keep track of what spells of mine had material/focus components so I would know what I can or cannot do while naked.

that is why they created the Eschrew Materials feat. No more worrying about lost pouches.

[Theomniadept]

that is why they created the Eschrew Materials feat. No more worrying about lost pouches.

The problem is that this character was very feat-heavy. VoP allowed lots of bonus feats and such but Eschew Materials just wasn't in the build before very necessary stuff (like Divine Metamagic (Persistent Spell) and the Persistent Spell and Extend spell feats).

[Kalida99]

Got some stories from some 2e games Starring The Crazy Cleric of Tyr Falkrunn Folksong. He who had survived the Troublin' Times (And brought them up constantly), The Hot-Headed Swashbuckler Gwyndolin Larose Daughter of the King, and Baird some random thief guy who didn't do a whole lot other than hide in corners.

The Most Wanted Butt in the World.
It all began with a 50 year old cleric named Falkrunn Folksong traveling with a bunch of 20 somethings in a war-torn Faerun. We were on the run from a tyrant that had overthrown the king and made us fugitives as part of his greater plan to take over the world.

Myself, and my compatriots Gwyndolin Larose, Human Swashbuckler, and Baird the Human Thief set about talking to a merchant who always happened to meet up with us, and just so happened to be a master of forgery. So naturally we had some fake ID's made so we could pass through gates without being sent to prison or taken in for questioning.

Gwyn and Baird got their names simple enough. But Falkrunn decided to share some jokes. Proudly stating before the merchant "And I shall be Seymour *****" (A profane five letter word for butts). Before i could even respond the merchant had forged the name onto an ID. When Falkrunn told him it was a joke he said it was too late, and sped away over the horizon. So now rather than being taken to jail and questioned, we had to sit at every gatehouse for 10 minutes while the guards laughed at my name, and i had to explain every time, "IT'S PRONOUNCED EYE-AY". But we managed to pass through towns without notice.

It went on for the longest time like this, until we got into out paragon levels and got closer to overthrowing the tyrant. Bounties began popping up all over occupied towns. They never mentioned my companions by name, but always read

"WANTED: SEYMOR ***** (And company) REWARD: 100,000 PLATINUM"

And Butts became the most wanted man in all of Faerun.

The Cleric and the Ogre Mage
In this adventure Falkrunn and friends picked up a Wandering Ogre Mage. The mage also happened to be a Ninja. And was also OBSESSED with finding a Katanna big enough for him to use.

Falkrunn Decided he was going to be friendly and help the Ogre Ninja Mage find his sword. At first they visited "The Best Blacksmith in the land" who wanted 10,000 gold to make the item. Falkrunn gave the Blacksmith the money without complaint. Weeks passed and the Sword was never completed. Falkrunn never raised an eyebrow, but the Ogre Ninja Mage was outraged. So the Ogre Ninja Mage went to seek better Blacksmiths. In the form of meeting with Mountain Giants. They found the home of some of these giants some time later. And the Ogre Ninja Mage said "Don't worry, i can speak their language, you stay here." And so Falkrunn sat down in the grass and ate a ration. The Ogre Ninja Mage approached the giant, and shortly after was smashed by the giant.

Falkrunn walked over after the Giant had left and ressurected the Orge Ninja Mage. Who Promptly was smashed by the same giant.

And so Falkrunn waited for the giant to leave, and looted the corpse of the Ogre Ninja Mage and walked back to town.

And Gwyn asked him "Where have you been?"

"Long Story"

The Cleric and The Puppet (This is a doozy)
This story took place in the same world as the last with the same heroes. However our DM decided he wanted to play with Ravenloft. A Gothic Horror alternate for 2e. And we were Whisked away to a land of unbelievable horror.

For the most part we almost got killed by The Headless Horseman (Who will maim you no matter what unless he misses you by 8 or more), and got knocked around by Flesh Golems that sent you flying.

But the real fun began when we ran into a peculiar town. The town was almost devoid of adults, but entirely filled with children. There were maybe 40 kids to every adult. The town was holding a festival where a grand puppet show was to be held at dusk. We were apprehensive and did not want to go to the show, but a massive mobs of kids ended up pushing us inside. Once inside the doors closed behind us and everyone took a seat, Except for Falkrunn and Gwyndolin. When the puppet show began it showed our character as marionettes talking, then shortly after being murdered by hundreds of other marionettes. Just then all the seats flipped down, and the children, along with Baird disappeared into the dark. So Falkrunn and Gwyn were stuck in a theater with 8 murderous puppets.

The fighting continued for a while until Gwyn attempted some acrobatics and landed on a chair, which promptly sent her down a chute. Falkrunn, Being a Lawful Good Cleric (And being surrounded by puppets) jumped down after her.

Gwyn had a magical rapier which cast light when the power word was spoken, and when she activated it, It was revealed she was sliding down a chute filled with blood and viscera. There was a division in the chute further along, Gwyn ended up going left, and Falkrunn went right. Gwyn landed in a vault room filled with corpses and dead marionettes. The voice of Maligno, the leader of the puppets taunted her, and told he she was going to die. A short battle ensued and she emerged victorious and destroyed the tiny Maligno.

Falkrunn meanwhile landed in almost complete darkness next to a lake of Thick Liquid. In all his brilliance he attempted to surf across it on his body shield. He made it halfway across before he sank in his plate-mail. Gwyn returned from the other room and rescued him from the lake of blood. And soon after they rescued Baird, who was imprisoned in a cell.

After a short chase by an army of puppets the party managed to reach the edge of town. Gwyn and Baird went to continue running, but Falkrunn stopped. Being Lawful Good he wanted to save the children from the evil Maligno. Gwyn told him he was on his own, so she and Baird continued running. And the town disappeared when they turned around.

Falkrunn removed his Force-Cube (Projects a force field against the chosen setting) from his pack and set it to Inanimate. Falkrunn waltzed through town searching every building for Maligno, and his maker Giuseppe. If Falkrunn could kill or free Giuseppe, Maligno would die forever. But when Falkrunn reached the attic where Giuseppe's workship was hiding, Maligno cast a Otto's Irresistable Dance. Holding Falkrunn in place while Maligno executed the children and covered Falkrunn in their blood, all the while Giuseppe made his escape.

The spell duration wore off, and Falkrunn destroyed Maligno easily with the Tyr spell, Sword and Hammer. He gathered up Maligno's corpse and left. With Giuseppe gone and the children dead, Falkrunn walked solemnly out of town puppet in hand.

The town that Falkrunn was in, was a pocket dimension, that teleported around the world and never stayed in the same place for more than a day. Falkrunn left the town in a new place. Right in front of a Mental Asylum. Where a Doctor named Lunce sat on the outside steps eating a sandwich. The Doctor saw Falkrunn approaching. An old man in Platemail, covered in blood and with a small puppet in his hand. The Doctor asked what Falkrunn was up to, and the conversation went like this;
Lunce: Hello Traveler, I'm a doctor, welcome to my asylum.
Falkrunn: I know what you're thinking, and it isn't what it looks like!
Lunce: Well I don't know, you look like you could use a rest, come inside.
Falkrunn: I DIDN'T DO THIS. THE PUPPET DID IT. HE KILLED ALL OF THEM! HE SLIT THEIR THROATS IN FRONT OF ME! *Madly Flailing the Pupper*
Lunce: You're very tired, come on inside.

And that's how Falkrunn Folksong got admitted to a Mental Hospital.

And he kept that puppet for the rest of the game.

The Cleric and the Vampire Lord
This story continues the adventures of Falkrunn and Company in Ravenloft.

After blending into the Gothic society of Ravenloft, Gwyn, Falkrunn, and Baird were invited to attend a Masqued Ball at a lords manor. The theme was "Monsters", but we did not know until after we arrived. Gwyn and Baird successfully managed to convince everyone they were Ghouls. Falkrunn though, all eyes on him could not think of what he was. Until he reached into his pouch and removed THE PUPPET. He began to dance around through the crowd yelling "I'M A VAMPIRE! THIS IS MY THRALL! BLIEGH! BLIEGH!" The party from there went just as planned and many fun times were had.

Until much later, after the party had obtained the means to go back to Faerun. All the while Falkrunn was receiving packages from an unknown man (And he promptly ignored all of them). The Party returned to Faerun successfully. The portal behind them began to close, but before it could a Lord from the Masqued Ball jumped through. He claimed he was a Vampire, and that Falkrunns' "Joke" as well as ignoring all of his packages made the Vampire REALLY mad, so he had followed them to kill them all. The rules for vampires worked differently in Faerun than it did in Ravenloft. The vampire ignored the fact he was smoking and began to approach Falkrunn. Falkrunn yelled "WELCOME TO FAERUN!" (With appropriate profanities added) and the Vampire utterly confused realized he was burning. before he could utter a word, he burst into dust and was destroyed by the power of the sun.

There are a huge amount of stories about the Enigmatic Falkrunn Folksong and his Compatriots, but these are just the ones I remember off the top of my head.

[Rhaila]

For the Love of Pointy Things: How to Break a Pre-made Adventure

The Party:
Gingko: dryad druid. Flaw: deathly afraid of fire
Tobias Glanton: human ranger. Flaw: curiosity
Korii Thunderfoot: half-giant psychic warrior. Flaw: fascination for large bladed weapons
FireLily: Dehll (half dwarf/elf homebrew) cleric. Flaw: curiosity
Slokvahil: half-wolf thief acrobat (homebrew). Flaw: Inability to be alone.

Setting: Inn, town plagued by Gnoll raids.

The party is talking to an elder when a commoner runs in and cries 'Gnoll!', seven others go out with our party on their heels, rightly thinking they wouldn't stand a chance. The party spots two Gnolls sitting and watching the town from what it appeared they felt was a safe distance. The commoners stay back as our party goes in closer. The druid immediately turns into a griffon using wild shape and flies into the sky, catching the attention of the seated Gnolls. Rolling our spot checks, we strain our eyes to see if there is anything else present, perhaps any more Gnolls hanging around. Surprisingly enough, the psychic warrior rolled a nat 20 and notices that one of the Gnolls is wielding a bastard sword.

Due to her overzealous love of large, pointy weapons, she has to succeed on a will save in order not to want to obtain said sword. Nat 1. The psychic warrior goes charging at the Gnoll with the bastard sword, fully intending to pry it away from its cold, dead fingers, oblivious to anything else. The Gnolls were taken completely by surprise, having been watching the flying griffon. The rogue sneaks up closer and sneak attacks the other Gnoll, leaving the half-giant to her prey.

Somehow, it lives through the half-giant's attack and attempts to run. The warrior takes off after it, getting stopped halfway by a group of hidden Gnolls. The druid calls forth a bolt of lightning which thoroughly fries the retreating Gnoll. Even though the Gnoll is now dead the warrior continues to charge for the bastard sword, ignoring all provoked attacks. By this time the party is thoroughly engaged with fighting the Gnolls, some of which try to flee but are sniped by either the druid and her lightning bolts or the ranger, a druid Gnoll having summoned a storm elemental beside the fascinated warrior.

Once the psychic warrior reaches the sword, she happens to be standing next to two of the fleeing Gnolls. The dm allows her a dex check to first pick up the sword before taking a swing at the wounded Gnolls. Nat 20. With a swift pick-up the warrior takes the sword in one motion, slicing through one Gnoll and taking a good swing at the other. The half-dead Gnoll is immediately deep-fried by the druid and the rogue, ranger and cleric have practically taken care of the rest even though some of them tried their best to run away as well.

The aftermath of the battle leaves the ground full of bloody and/or fried Gnoll corpses, and only after everything is dead our DM tells us that he had to think of a way to resolve this, seeing as it was only supposed to be a level 6 encounter difficulty because the Gnolls were supposed to be able to run away and leave us to fight the druid Gnoll’s summoned elemental. This left us nothing to track back to their lair, the druid Gnoll having used pass without trace for their party.

tl;dr - We essentially broke the campaign on our first day, and our Gm had to think of a way to fix it as well as substitute a named NPC that got slaughtered before being introduced.

Edited for continuation:
Fire Lilly - Half Elf/Dwarf cleric
Korii - Half giant psionic warrior
Slokvahil - half wolf thief acrobat
Ginkgo - Dryad druid
Seraphina - halfling rogue. Flaw: Binge drinking

"We already have the body in the bag of holding!"- cleric
"Ok, then how about we go investigate where the dead body was found, we do know where that is right?" -half giant
"In the slums, the pleasure district." - cleric
"Then we'll just ask everyone what they saw…" -half giant
"You want to go into the red light district and ask everyone what happened in an unknown dark alleyway 2 weeks ago for a suspected noble's mugging..?!" -cleric
"Well maybe I want to go to the pleasure district.." - half giant
"Go on your own time, and find someone worth your time and money." - cleric

Our party then went on to debate who had the highest Charisma to infiltrate the pleasure district, nixing the Dryad as wood would hurt.. "Don't worry, I can turn into a magical beast" Which didn't help matters. "Aww you guys never let me have any fun."
"I'm never riding on your back again!"- halfling rogue

The half giant was deemed too dominatrix and also tossed out, halfling rogue a Lolita but too shy to go through with anything, finally giving the half-wolf the most votes. Doggy style anyone~?

Oh Holy Smite
Because everyone needs some holiday cheer in their dungeon raids. Composed by the previously mentioned party, and sung to the tune of 'Oh Holy Night' by the halfling with extra Lavender Metheglyn (http://www.dandwiki.com/wiki/Types_of_Alcohol_%28Zyanya_Supplement%29).

Oh holy smite~
My enemies are burning!
And with thy light I shall conquer my foes!

Long though they lay in ambush to destroy us,
I knew their wiles, yea, I called down thy power.
A flash of light came forth from my right hand,
And all around, the ashes, they did fall.

Fall on your knees
And beg for my mercy
That might not exist.
Oh Pelor, grant me thy power.

Pelor,
Pelor, grant me thy power
Oh holy smite~

[Lobo1192]

So ran my first session today in pathfider and here are a few examples of what happened.

An orc tosses a dead goblin at the party cleric, knocking him off a 10 foot wall... and onto the fighter.

Rogue tries to sneak through a deep stream only to fail his swim check, barely made it out several rounds after combat started and half the party wounded

And finally, The party let two goblins carrying one of their KO'ed buddys, walk right past them and into the inn they were supposed to be guarding. The cleric replied "Dont drink the ale and your all right!"

EDIT: Oh yeah, and the rogue got possed by an oni trapped in a mask

[Angel Bob]

Entertaining things happen with the party I DM for, especially when the player who leads the party (the Avenger) has to leave. He's the only one with any rules savviness or common sense (well, there's another one, but he barely ever pays attention and never challenges the other players' ridiculous ideas). Last time he was gone, the party killed two watchmen but let the others escape. They've been on the run from the law (and the party leader's ire) ever since.

So naturally, at our latest meeting, he had to leave mid-session for a concert. Let's review the situation, shall we?

Last session, we'd been missing two players (an Elementalist and a Druid who was pretty much permanently in bear form, possibly due to a curse). To explain their absence from the scene, the party leader had them wait around and guard the entrance while the rest of the group delved into a dungeon. They found a nasty encounter waiting for them, in which the Ranger was nearly eaten alive by a swarm of rot scarabs and fled screaming out of the dungeon. The Fighter also went down thanks to that swarm.

This session, when we resumed, the ranger ran into the Elementalist and Druid, whose players were now present. They ran in to help, and the Elementalist easily obliterated the beetles. The group could now focus on the artillery monster hiding across a chasm; the Avenger (playing an eladrin) intended to teleport across and start slicing it up. At this point, though, he had to leave, and took his character sheet with him. The party wondered how to explain his conspicuous absence.

Eventually, the Ranger's player suggested "Should we just have him fall in a hole? You know, not enough to deal damage, but one that keeps him trapped." I pointed out that there was a hole in the encounter area: the chasm they'd been trying to cross. "Oh yeah!" the Druid's player recalled, and declared that her Druid ran into the room, ready to help, and accidentally knocked the Avenger into the chasm. He fell twenty feet and into the floor below. The Cleric (occupied healing the Fighter) watched him go, aghast.

Well, that's that. While the Ranger was slowly healing outside, her player took the reins of the Fighter (his player was also absent for the same concert) and decided he would try and jump across the chasm. After realizing a maths error in his Athletics skill, we learned that he... didn't make it. The Fighter also toppled into the chasm, after the Avenger. A few seconds later, a CLANG and two distinct "OW!"s sounded.

The dwarven Cleric at this point decided to also jump the chasm. Since most of her powers were ranged, this puzzles me. Regardless, she tried, and rolled a natural 2. We came to the conclusion that she tripped over her own beard, and began bouncing off the walls as she fell. A third chorus of "OW!"s sounded.

The Druid (might be time to mention that this is one of those "Chaotic Neutral, but really Chaotic Evil" characters) subsequently declared, "I jump into the chasm. On top of the Fighter. As a grizzly bear." (Well, ouch. A few points of falling damage and crushing damage later...) "Okay, I turn into a raven and fly out." The Druid spent the rest of the battle repeating this action, taunting the others the whole time.

Finally, the Ranger had healed. She dashed back into the dungeon and easily leapt 25 feet across the chasm, then focused fire with the Druid and Elementalist to destroy the remaining monster (which had presumably been watching with a bemused face the entire time). At this point, she looked around and wondered, "Where is everyone?"

"Ah, don't worry about it," the Druid chuckled.

The Avenger's player returned to find that in his absence, the group had successfully split the party, throwing half of it into a more dangerous section of the dungeon filled with nasties. (They also broke his teapot of everlasting previsions in the fall.) Despite his rage (mostly about the teapot), they were all very proud of themselves.

[turbo164]

Couple of quick ones from our new group.

-Duke, the Druid's wolf, has killed about 7 monsters; 6 of which he dropped to exactly 0, the other was -2 or so. Very precise teeth. :smallbiggrin:

-Gunther, the Chaotic Neutral Cleric of Olidamara, has been particularly amusing. During their first encounter, he passed every attack roll (while the 16 Str + Weapon Focus fighter missed 80% of his), and beat the Str check to knock down a door (that the same fighter failed).

-Party encounters a group of Kobolds digging up magical hallucinogenic mushrooms, which temporarily give the eater Diehard, Wild Magic, and spell failure. Helping them is an unhappy boar with multiple chain leashes (with unhappy kobolds holding the other ends). During the fight, the boar goes berserk and starts charging anything it can see. Cleric thinks grabbing a leash is a good idea. Cleric gets dragged through enough rocks to drop to -8.

-Party has no other healing, so they figure the fastest way to get the Cleric back up is to cram a mushroom down his unconscious throat. He stumbles to his feet, and manages to successfully cast 2 of his remaining 5 heal spells (rest were wasted on imaginary people from failed rolls).

-Later, Cleric aquires a Robe of Useful Items, which thanks to some unusual rolls, comes stocked with 3 ladders and not a whole lot else. He immediately got to use one to climb out of a trench (see below), and used one later while fighting a monster that kept attacking from a 20ft cave ceiling. The Dragon Disciple failed his climb check, but DUKE (the wolf from above) passed, AND won a grapple check, which bought the group some time. Dog running up the ladder made us picture the Dog vs Squirrel in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation :P

Final story, The Bridge, spoilered for length:

The group is in the Kyrpra Forest, which was the site of a war of epic wizards centuries ago, and has never been the same since. The party routinely encounters squirrels that chirp like birds, pine trees growing sideways out of palm trees, berries that apply random buffs/debuffs, a stone face that teleported the group and/or exploded their heads and/or exploded into a pile of gems, etc.

The path they were following (they were trying to track down a necromancer who had hired the goblin bandits they killed earlier, and were tracking the path of the cart they used to haul corpses) ends up crossing a bridge, with a Treant planted at one end. He seems friendly enough, but he claims to be guarding the bridge for a wizard further up the road (who had actually died centuries ago), and "you can only pass if you defeat me...in a battle of wits!" So he asked each person to answer a question the Treant didn't know..."what is the world like outside the forest?" D'aw...

Well each person gives an answer, and crosses the bridge while the next person answers. The treant also gives each person a small potion or other goodie as a prize for their "victory." The last person is the Lawful Good ranger, who spends several realtime minutes talking to the tree, trying to find out a way to help it see the world for itself rather than just talk about it. The tree is touched by this kindness, so when the Ranger prepares to cross, the treant holds out a limb and sadly says "Stop...the real bridge...is over there."

Party: :smalleek:

So yeah. Bridge was an illusion, programmed to also create an illusion of anyone that crossed. The canyon was also filled with a Silence spell, which masked any screams from falling people. At the bottom was a pile of bones, and a Dire Chameleon, which is rather hard to find when it blinds you with saliva, and Silence prevents Listen checks. :smallamused: All 5 failed their Will saves to notice the fake bridge, and no one tried to talk to the illusions that were crossing the bridge.

The highlight? Third person to fall was the one to realize that either the 4th, 5th, or 6th person to fall, was going to be Bait, the 7foot, 18str, 3int, Full-plate-wearing Fighter, who was also the one pulling the wooden cart full of 400 pounds of gem ore. Cue frantic "don't stand under the bridge!" pantomiming to the others. :smalltongue:

Secondary highlight: "Guys, how the **** did the goblins figure this out and ALL OF US didn't?" :smallannoyed:

Been quite enjoyable ^_^

@Devmaar's shark story: LOL at that last line.

[Dimers]

Final story, The Bridge, spoilered for length:
...
Party: :smalleek:

A story well-told. You didn't give away the twist. :smallsmile:

[Vknight]

A story well-told. You didn't give away the twist. :smallsmile:

I agree that is a great story.

If I can think of any funny stories to tell that I already haven't I'll post them
But most of the sessions I have done have had sillyness

[Heritic]

These are from a D20 modern game

The party is working for a powerful government agency and are working coverup to prevent the public from knowing about monsters and magic etc. Well recently a group of Sasquatch have been preying on campers so the party was sent to investigate. Well they discover the campsite populated by Big footer believers and big game hunters seeking to kill or protect the creatures. After blowing up a cabin one of the players decided as a distraction to dress up as a sasquatch. He was prominently gunned down by 7 shots to the chest by hunters.
Later in the same campaign the group was tracking down a Serial killer who doubled as a blood mage. The Supervisor of the group split the party giving limited knowledge to one group while setting up an ambush for the killer. So she positions are snipers in a building across the street and the medic and the driver in the back of a van. ( all of these are PCs plans by the way) The other group grow restless so are Martial artist decides to investigate the basement and finds a sewer drain grabbing a C4 from the demolition expert she travels into the sewer opens a manhole and finds a car parked over it. Convinced that this is the killers car she plants the C4 and immediately sets it off without even moving a safe distance away effectively killing 3 agents including herself deafening the sniper and alerting the killer to their position.

[Teal_Thanatos]

Playing D&D 4th Ed. I've based my character off Simon the Digger post Gurren Lagann. So he's a cleric wearing full plate armor of Folding carrying a Halberd (Drillspear!) of bane to inanimate objects, I've also got magic ring of featherfall.
I've also got a bag of airdrop (failed bag of holding, it instead drops anything from a mile up) and ranks in fly.

We've just routed a viking attack on a village, massacaring the lot of them. We see the boat withdrawing from the scene, we want that boat, knowing otherwise we're going to have to hire a boat and they're expensive. Plus- loot's escaping!

We run to the dock, they're out of reach to jump. Simon turns around and gives the bag to one of the other characters.

Not a word is said IC or OOC for this.

Simon first folds his armor (free action) dives into the bag (move action). Simon vanishes. Simon is now a mile upwards and falling. I use ranks in fly to move over the boat (two move actions, no other PC's do anything as they're all laughing.).

Simon unfolds his plate armor, puts the srillspear upside down and stands on the back of the drill (connecting to the handle area).

Simon falls right down, succeeding a check to not deviate. He goes right _through_ the boat and out the bottom where he refolds the armor and succeeds his swim checks to come back to shore.

The boat is sinking (slowly) and returns to shore where we capture it.

During the process he takes about half HP worth of damage going through the hull.

[vasharanpaladin]

Playing D&D 4th Ed. I've based my character off Simon the Digger post Gurren Lagann. So he's a cleric wearing full plate armor of Folding carrying a Halberd (Drillspear!) of bane to inanimate objects, I've also got magic ring of featherfall.
I've also got a bag of airdrop (failed bag of holding, it instead drops anything from a mile up) and ranks in fly.


Pathfinder. 4e doesn't have skill ranks OR a Fly skill. :smallmad:

[magwaaf]

So we're level 3. And we go on this quaint little quest to find out what happened to this pregnant woman we rescued in a previous quest. We get to the house of her lover, (not her husband, as we realized half way through a conversation with an NPC who was a friend of the lover (who apparently already has a wife.) Knock out his bodyguards, and find the woman behind a secret door upstairs. After talking to her for a while, we realize that the man (his name is Helmut...i know...we call him Hat.) is keeping her there because he wants to kill the child when it is born because he believes it to be cursed and 'a sign of the end times.' So our party, presuming that we're supposed to beat this guy and turn him into the city guard, set up an ambush for when he comes home (he's out of town.) after a week, he arrives at the gates, and our lookout sees him. our lookout books it to our house, tells us, and we book it to Helmut's house. we get there with just enough time to set up the ambush. the plan was that my dwarf fighter would approach him from behind as he walked up the driveway, pretending to be delivering a message. and then we'd attack. the rest of the party, who were inside the house, would come out, and we'd defeat him. (I know, metagaming. I'm as disgusted as you are. We're much better now) Here's how it went.

he's walking towards the front door, my dwarf runs up behind him "HEY! HEY! I GOT A MESSAGE FOR YOU!"

The man turns, my dwarf hands him an empty, sealed scroll. He thanks me and opens the message. I attack.

DM: alright, It's Rorick's turn. (Rorick is my dwarf)

Me: alright, I'm going to hit him with my axe. *rolls* HOLY ****! A 19!

The whole group gets rather excited about this high roll. I'm looking at the DM, waiting for him to say "Alright. Roll damage." Instead I hear:

DM: You miss.

Me:alright. Wait.... WHAT?

DM: You miss.

ME: WHAT?

DM:You'll see.

We had already rolled initiative, and with my surprise round over, Helmut went first. Helmut picks up my dwarf by the throat and throws him through the door, smashing it open and revealing the rest of the party.

DM: Maybe now would be a good time to mention that Helmut is a level 18.

PARTY: WHAT THE ****?! THIS IS A LEVEL FOUR QUEST! WHAT THE ****, DUDE?!!

DM: Helmut casts chain lightning. Roll Reflex saves.

Now, i should probably mention that because I had been thrown through the door, I was right in the house, with the rest of the party. chain lightning. We're all clumped up.

So we roll, confused and angry about the extreme level of our opponent. We all fail. alright. 15 d6. Needless to say, we all got knocked on our asses, our DM decided to not make it a TPK by making it so that Helmut only meant to knock us out.

the group angrily demands the DM to explain himself, why would he put us up against such a high level NPC?

the DM says that facing helmut wasn't part of the quest. We were expected to take the woman away and to a safe place. But he had let us face helmut because he hated railroading. But told us to take this as a warning, we can do whatever we want, but if you're stupid like this again, I won't save you.

It wasn't funny then. But I think it's hilarious now.


you're dm sucks, get a new one.

and to not look like a douche i will elaborate

our dm gives us our scenario of what's going on and assumes that because WE ARE PLAYING D&D that we will pc all over it and attack the guy, in this case we would probably attack helmut instead of just trying to get her out, unless there was something specific in our mission to not kill him and even then we might say screw it and do it anyways because we are adventurers. the dm should have the entire situation balanced for the party

the exception is that if the character is someone who is known inthe world as a big name person like we are in a faerun game and we don't go attacking khelben blackstaff or the piergieron at level 6. other than situations like that the dm should make the situation doable and not claim he does anything because he doesn't want to railroad us, your dm copped out and its time for a new one

[Vknight]

you're dm sucks, get a new one.

and to not look like a douche i will elaborate

our dm gives us our scenario of what's going on and assumes that because WE ARE PLAYING D&D that we will pc all over it and attack the guy, in this case we would probably attack helmut instead of just trying to get her out, unless there was something specific in our mission to not kill him and even then we might say screw it and do it anyways because we are adventurers. the dm should have the entire situation balanced for the party

the exception is that if the character is someone who is known inthe world as a big name person like we are in a faerun game and we don't go attacking khelben blackstaff or the piergieron at level 6. other than situations like that the dm should make the situation doable and not claim he does anything because he doesn't want to railroad us, your dm copped out and its time for a new one

True
At the same time.
A high level dangerous guy that made sure he was never found out could very well be hiding around a place.
I know that in one game of mine; a assassin that made it appear that there was an entire assassins guild when it was only him. And that he was just the minstrel[bard], that one could contact to get information directly to the assassin's guild leader

[Scow2]

you're dm sucks, get a new one.

and to not look like a douche i will elaborate

our dm gives us our scenario of what's going on and assumes that because WE ARE PLAYING D&D that we will pc all over it and attack the guy, in this case we would probably attack helmut instead of just trying to get her out, unless there was something specific in our mission to not kill him and even then we might say screw it and do it anyways because we are adventurers. the dm should have the entire situation balanced for the party

the exception is that if the character is someone who is known inthe world as a big name person like we are in a faerun game and we don't go attacking khelben blackstaff or the piergieron at level 6. other than situations like that the dm should make the situation doable and not claim he does anything because he doesn't want to railroad us, your dm copped out and its time for a new oneA GM shouldn't feel obligated to give his players exactly what they think they want. Mixing things up to set the tone of the campaign can be a great thing. In this case, yeah, it feels cheap at the time, but what the GM did was say "This is a big world that doesn't revolve around you. There are powerful characters in it, there are weak ones in it. Make your mark, but don't be reckless - some things are beyond your scope."

It's perfectly acceptable to have a number of low-level quests take place in dealing with a beyond-their-power entity, such as, say, an elder dragon roosting in the mountains. Instead of suicidally confronting the dragon directly, they're supposed to scout out the mountain, learn about the dragon, figure out what it's doing, help people avoid the worst of its attacks, undermine its kobold attendant-tribes, and otherwise subvert its power before they're strong enough to challenge it directly. ... or simply have the dragon be a known threat that they can put on their "To-do list" for when they're a higher level.

[geeky_monkey]

One of the most fun campaigns I’ve ever played in used that exact setting.

Undermining, manipulating and chipping away at an unkillable threat can be a lot of fun.

And can be very useful at times – we raided the dragon’s hoard while dressed in the uniforms of a Baron who’d been trying to kill us for a while (there had been a misunderstanding when our Rogue ‘found’ his purse) and the dragon nuked his castle from orbit. A very profitable solution to a problem.

[Deathkeeper]

I think the issue here wasn't that the NPC was powerful, but rather that there was little indication that he was that powerful, because generally speaking people with over 15 levels in player classes don't just walk around low-level towns doing nothing.
Personally though, I love throwing stuff like that into a campaign. I'd just have made it just a bit more obvious.

[ReaderAt2046]

I think the issue here wasn't that the NPC was powerful, but rather that there was little indication that he was that powerful, because generally speaking people with over 15 levels in player classes don't just walk around low-level towns doing nothing.
Personally though, I love throwing stuff like that into a campaign. I'd just have made it just a bit more obvious.

Back where this was originally posted, it's mentioned that the players missed a few clues to his power level, such as the Level 13 captain of the City Guard speaking of the opponent as very powerful and very dangerous.

[Mr Beer]

A GM shouldn't feel obligated to give his players exactly what they think they want. Mixing things up to set the tone of the campaign can be a great thing. In this case, yeah, it feels cheap at the time, but what the GM did was say "This is a big world that doesn't revolve around you. There are powerful characters in it, there are weak ones in it. Make your mark, but don't be reckless - some things are beyond your scope."

Right, but the DM set up a situation where the players would reasonably attack the guy and then went "I didn't think you'd do this very obvious thing, so the NPC is now stupidly powerful and beats you all up.". It's a cop out as magwaaf stated.

There's nothing wrong with surprise high level opponents, but they should serve a purpose. Your party thinks they can wander around town bullying merchants? Oops, looks like the watch captain is a retired Epic fighter. Your party habitually ambushes travellers and steals their goods? Oops, looks like the archmage convention decided to hold their annual picnic today. And so on.

[darklink_shadow]

Drop this already.

They were warned by a high level NPC that this guy was a nasty piece of work. They ignored it and got beat up. Right? Wrong? Has no bearing on the topic.

This isn't a philosophy thread, this is a story telling thread.

[Vertharrad]

Right, but the DM set up a situation where the players would reasonably attack the guy and then went "I didn't think you'd do this very obvious thing, so the NPC is now stupidly powerful and beats you all up.". It's a cop out as magwaaf stated.

There's nothing wrong with surprise high level opponents, but they should serve a purpose. Your party thinks they can wander around town bullying merchants? Oops, looks like the watch captain is a retired Epic fighter. Your party habitually ambushes travellers and steals their goods? Oops, looks like the archmage convention decided to hold their annual picnic today. And so on.

IMHO what happened was the DM had already decided how powerful this person was, tried warning the players in a reasonably realistic fashion and they ignored it. Not all possible encounters are supposed to be doable. If you use your head and make the right decisions dice gods willing you'll survive. There is a module written where the party if it's of a good alignment, kind, and compassionate will attack the 19th lvl TN insane wizard that is described as a demigod(by the way the party is only 10th lvl and your not expected to win the fight, in fact there is a chance the wizard kills you) in Erde. Just because we had to contend with mazes/forcecages and other high level spells doesn't invalidate the encounter as a legal encounter. And if a module can do that so can a DM!

[Mr Beer]

IMHO what happened was the DM had already decided how powerful this person was, tried warning the players in a reasonably realistic fashion and they ignored it.

Since neither of us were there, we're probably going to live with our differing interpretation of events.

[Vertharrad]

I guess we agree to disagree.

[Inkidu]

My only really funny story that relates to my character specifically is from my first ever game.

I was playing a human Fighter and we were investigating the supposedly corrupt clergy of a theocratic state. Well, I wanted to play a non-tanking warrior and it actually worked but if you're saying why didn't you just play a rogue it's because I like defying convention, and the party already had a rogue.

Anywho, the rogue and I broke in through the second floor window while the Paladin was knocking on the door trying to act all lawful good, you know.

Well, I decide to head downstairs and low and behold a guard is at the foot of the stairs. Well, he spots me. So, what's my first thought? FLYING TACKLE!

I roll it and all the grapple checks. So, what you end up with his this scary black guy with a horrible magical burn scar on his face and enough swords to sink a small ship flying down the stairs at some poor nine-to-fiver and body slams him. If you imagine that scene from The Men Who Stare at Goats you've got it.

[Zelphas]

Here's another installment from my group.

The Party (All level 8, now):
Elenia: Lawful Good Elven Cleric of St. Cuthbert. Token Good character of the party, and the moral center/diplomacy face. Manages to talk the rest of the group out of doing insanely reckless things on a daily basis.
Shaiya: Chaotic Neutral Foxkin Assassin. Has somehow become the one who agrees with Elenia and keeps the other three in line.
Kai: Chaotic Neutral Half-elf/Half-drow Rogue/Swordsage. He usually listens to Elenia and Shaiya, but is prone to running off on his own.
Naranya: Chaotic Neutral Catfolk Ninja/Rogue. Not the brightest.
Kiri: Chaotic Neutral (noticing a theme here?) Kitsune Wizard. Recently learned the spell 'Vortex of Teeth' in her last level up, and keeps wanting to kill things with it.

Doppelgangers meet Stupidity (or How I am Shown Once Again that that Deck of Many Things was a Bad Idea):
Elenia had been summoned to the Cudgel, a holy city for the clerics of St. Cuthbert, to mediate a dispute brewing between the two factions of the Clerics there. The rest of the group tagged along.
They found out quickly that there were one or more Doppelgangers in the city (due to some very good Spot checks and three natural 1s for the Doppelgangers disguise checks), and Kai, who had discovered the Doppelgagners, went with Elenia to talk to the heads of the Cleric factions. Shaiya, Naranya, and Kiri were sent out to guard the hallways outside of the meeting room. After a few minutes, Kiri saw Naranya coming up the hallway, seeming to be in pain and babbling something about an attack and that they had to get to the meeting room to warn Kai and Elenia. At the same time, Naranya saw what looked like Shaiya coming up her hallway, saying the same things.
Kiri fails her spot check to see through the disguise, but passes her Sense Motive, and refuses to move. Naranya, on the other hand, fails both her Spot and Sense Motive, and further fails the Wisdom check I gave her to figure out something wasn't right. But the player, utilizing Naranya's... simple-mindedness, thwarts the Doppelganger's attempt to pass. Naranya becomes very sulky about the fact that she had been told not to move by shaiya, and now Shaiya was moving around,and it wasn't fair! She refuses to move, going so far as to tell Shaiya to "go back to her post".
The Doppelgangers, at this point, try to force their way through. Kiri is hit, Naranya is not. Due to extremely good hp rolls and a Con score of 16, Kiri (the wizard) has the second highest hit point total of the group, and so weathers the blow easily.
Initiative is rolled, and the Doppelgangers win. Realizing that their chance at a quick battle is over, both summon Fiendish creatures and turn to leave. The one in front of Naranya turns a corner and vanishes, but the one in front of Kiri can't quite get to the end of the hallway.
Now, I suppose I should talk about Kiri's staff. When this campaign started, one of the players asked if he could have a Deck of Many things. Inexperienced DM that I am, I agreed. He ended up drawing Void fro the deck eventually, but that's a different story. Kiri had drawn one card from the Deck, which turned out to be the Key. Bam, Staff of the Woodlands for her. It had become a bit of an instinctual thing for this character to shoot a 'Wall of Thorns' at anything that scared/bothered her. This was no different.
Elenia, Kai, and the two Clerics leave the meeting room to find Naranya standing over the disappearing body of a Fiendish Monstrous Spider, A massive thicket of thorns blocking one hallway with a Fiendish Wolf's corpse vanishing inside of it, and the tuneless whistling of a Doppelganger trapped in the middle of the thorns.

[Razanir]

Right, but the DM set up a situation where the players would reasonably attack the guy and then went "I didn't think you'd do this very obvious thing, so the NPC is now stupidly powerful and beats you all up.". It's a cop out as magwaaf stated.

There's nothing wrong with surprise high level opponents, but they should serve a purpose. Your party thinks they can wander around town bullying merchants? Oops, looks like the watch captain is a retired Epic fighter. Your party habitually ambushes travellers and steals their goods? Oops, looks like the archmage convention decided to hold their annual picnic today. And so on.

Archmage convention with an annual picnic... I might steal that idea

[PolloMark]

In one of my campaigns, we were given a mission to "entertain" an important diplomat in hopes of swaying an important vote in our favor. Unfortunately, we immediately faced a string of boss battles, nearly killing the diplomat.

In a desperate attempt to entertain this diplomat, we went to a big city where a play was to take place. Being the evil troll that I was, I ran into one of the main actors, teleported him to the middle of nowhere, and stole his costume. I then found a copy of the script and gave it to a telepathic party member. He then fed me the lines telepathically through the play.

All was going well until the telepathic link was ruined by him falling asleep, leaving me hopeless in the middle of the performance. I started rolling Perform (dance) and (sing) nonstop in hopes of not ruining the show. I even walked into the audience and pulled the diplomat onto the stage forcing him to sing with me! Sadly, all of my rolls were 1s and 2s...

The irony was that the crowd loved my performance and it springboarded me into stardom. Also, the diplomat joined our side... Win.

[JohnnyCancer]

Playing a Morrow Project campaign, it's a post-apocalyptic setting where you play the role of someone put into stasis sometime from the 1970s to the 1990s, intended to rebuild civilization after World War 3. Anyways, our group was fighting a racist army led by a Morrow Project traitor. We killed a high ranking subordinate and used his demise as an opportunity to infiltrate their headquarters, under the guise of grieving soldiers bringing their commander home for a funeral. In fact we had filled his remains with explosives, which we set off at the service. It spared us the hassle of a series of battles with all those dudes at separate times.

[Paragon468]

Rory is pregnant.

We were searching for a girl called "Raven" who was supposed to have something in her possession containing the blood of a dragon (which the main villain needed for his plot). The villain who was pursuing us caught up with us before we found her, and he gave us a pretty hard time...

He asked which one of us was Raven, and my character, a sly roguish character, pointed to the party's tank, the player being named Rory, and said "he's Raven! That's her!".

Rolled my bluff check, aaaannd..... natural 20. My DM had house ruled that a natural 20 means automatic success on skill checks.

As it turns out, the thing containing the blood of a dragon was.... Well, Raven was pregnant. The villain proceeded to stab poor Rory and dig deeper and deeper into his flesh in search of an unborn child.

It was quite a hilarious scenario.

[imaloony]

Alright, so I actually posted these in the AD&D forum, but I'm moving them here because... because.

The first story is about Smidget the Kender. I will assume that everyone here knows what a Kender is. If you do not, go look it up (I've got a brief descriptions in my thread "Epic Moments" in the AD&D Forum).
Enter Smidget (I did ask his player, and this character did not have a last name for some reason), our Thief/Illusionist Kender of the group. This was in our first AD&D campaign, the one before the campaign where my previous story happened (In this particular campaign, I had two characters a female Human Cleric of Isis and a male Elven Ranger). Now, Smidget was in charge of the shenanigans portions of the campaign. He would do things to throw the DM for a loop just to have fun, and we all loved him for it. In this instance, we were in the human capitol of this world. While browsing around and doing business, Smidget's player turns to the DM and says "Can I make a religion?"
Those five words would become the start of the greatest running joke in our group.
Our DM loves that kind of stuff and said "Sure, if you can get the followers."
So Smidget began spreading the word of the "Great Kitty Deborah." According to him, the world lies in the eye of the Great Kitty Deborah, and night comes when the Great One closes her eye. She rained light and love on her followers until one day, evil and corruption began to fill the world. Shaken and saddened, the Great One wept, and her eye shattered, spreading the Holy Shiny across the world. Now the followers of the Great One must reassemble her eye by gathering the shiny together and dancing around it crying "PRETTY PRETTY SHINY SHINY PRETTY PRETTY SHINY SHINY."
Now the DM, like the rest of us, found this hilarious. But with how ADD Kender were, he didn't find it likely that this religion would catch on, so he gave it something like a 2-3% chance on percentile dice and rolled them.
He then looks up at Smidget and says "You look around and notice that you have a follower."
And it all snowballed from there. The DM says that he made something like 8 rolls the rest of the night to see if the religion would grow, and 7 of them passed. The religion spread like wildfire and soon hand hundred, and later thousands of followers in the city. Smidget came to be known as "The Prophet" of the Great One.
Fast forward a bit to a ceremony for one of our fighters to be knighted as a Knight of the Rose. After the ceremony, my Cleric catches wind of this religion and is furious that Smidget would be spreading the word of a false God. She caught up with him and began chewing him out and giving him the most pro-Isis and angry speech she'd given in her life (This is all in character. Out of character, we were all having a blast with this). She even went so far as to call the wrath of Isis down on this false prophet.
And then, at that moment, Smidget heard a whisper in his ear with some instructions. He raised his hand, uttered something and cast a Light spell. My Cleric recognized it as a Cleric spell. I was stunned, and immediately tried to find some way to explain it away, about to claim that he was using one of his Illusions to trick me.
Then Isis whispered into my Cleric's ear "I feel something behind him, something divine. It's faint, but there is a Divine presence behind his spell."
That's right, Smidget got such a following for this religion that he actually created a Kender god. The DM later explained that the books don't actually have a Kender god and was totally willing to let that fly.
So my Cleric turned around, found a bar, and drank herself under the table.

A few days later, we flew to an island and resolved a subplot that our Samurai wanted to deal with, which ended up with us flash-freezing and then flash-thawing a house full of bad guys. Great for us, but we scared the crap out of the villagers, and when we went to the town, not a soul was willing to come out and meet us. We tried coaxing them out, but nothing worked.
Finally, Smidget stepped up and said "We're not bad guys, honest! We just wanted to get rid of the bad people living in that house!"
The DM pauses and rolled a set of percentile dice and then begins laughing his head off. We ask him what's so funny.
Someone walks out of one of the houses, points ad Smidget and yelled "THE PROPHET!"
This religion was like a week old, and we were currently on an island. This awesome religion was spreading faster than we could travel (The DM said that he gave it a 2% chance that a follower would be on the island, and the roll passed).

In our follow-up campaign set 70 years later, we've already found a Church of the Great Kitty Deborah.
Smidget's player insists that the whole "Great Kitty Deborah" initially started as OoC screwing around, but it has become cannon in this world, and it's glorious.

Story 2 is mainly about the group's Cavalier, but the Rune Priestess and I certainly contributed:
So, we just started a new AD&D campaign after defeating the boss from the last campaign and had a 70 year time-skip. I'm playing an Elf Druid, and our party consists of a Water Spirit Cleric, a Human Fighter/Rune Priestess, a Human Paladin, a Human Cavalier, and a Wild Elf Monk, and we're all still 1st-3rd level.

We're sent to try and find out who tried to take over a series of strongholds by staging a fake tournament to lure the guards away. We return to a previously cleared out stronghold to find it occupied with baddies again, but we've got 30 men-at-arms with us this time, so our group enters first.
We enter the main chamber and see a few Orcs. One Orc turns and sees our group. Then he waves at the Cavalier and turns back around.
Let's pause for a moment. The Cavalier is from a previously destroyed family, looking to rebuild his family. A while ago, he received evidence that may point to his family NOT being destroyed, and potentially being behind these attacks. So now the Cavalier has almost confirmed that suspicion, as the Orc didn't attack after seeing the family crest on his shield.
The Cavalier turns to the rest of the group and says "Get back with the soldiers and get read out here."
We protest, but after he insists, we agree and retreat behind the doors to set up.

Now the Cavalier approaches the Orc and gets directions to the leader of this stronghold. He finds two Minotaur; the first and second in command. They speak a rough common, and the Cavalier poses as his brother, the one who would be in on all of this business. The DM is stunned when the roll passes and the Minotaur buys it. The DM then asks him "Okay, so what do you do?"
The player thinks on it, and then asks the Minotaur to mobilize and line up his men for inspection, which they do. He's presented with 21 Orcs, slightly heavily armored than a normal orc. The Minotaur in charge says "You are satisfied with my men?"
Cavalier: "Almost. I'd like to see them march."
Yes. The Cavalier got the entire lot of these guys to march straight into our ambush, oblivious of it.

Now let's back up again. When the doors closed for the Cavalier to go do his stuff, we started to prepare. The Rune Priestess scribed into the ground in front of the door a rune of Shocking Grasp. We position all 30 men with crossbows at the next floor up in perfect sniping position, while the rest of us take up positions in side hallways along the main one.

And then the Orcs march out of the door. They're in a procession of three-per-rank, giving us seven ranks of Orcs with the leaders (The Cavalier included) at the back.
So now, the DM rolls an eight sided die to see which of the seven ranks of orcs steps of the rune.
He rolls an eight. "There are seven ranks."
He rolls another eight. "There are seven ra... oh crap."
That's when he remembered that the Minotaur and the Cavalier formed an eighth rank. He randomly rolls to see which of them stepped on it, and the head Minotaur steps on it. He rolls the Minotaurs saving throw, and he critically fails it, leading to him being paralyzed for two rounds. At this point, the DM says "I'd hate to have a Thief at this guy's back right now..."
Me (Druid): "Or an angry Minotaur?"
DM: "What?"
Me: "I cast Charm Person/Mammal on the second-in-command."
DM: "Well, he rolled a 5 on his save. What's your command?"
Me: "I order him to attack the lead Minotaur."
So, we get a pretty spectacular display of blue lightning as the second in command smashes the lead Minotaur's head in with his magical battle axe.
On cue, the Men-At-Arms opened fire, mowing down the 21 Orcs in their surprise round.
We deal with the last (charmed) Minotaur, and then observe the wreckage.

The DM contemplates this for a minute before explaining the details of the fight to us:
"The Orcs... were just Orcs. I didn't expect them to give your trouble. Their AC was a little higher than a normal Orcs. The head Minotaur I expected to be a problem for you guys. He was a Magic-User/Shaman. The Second in Command was a Shaman. The Battle Axe that the second in command was using was a +2 Battle Axe that becomes a +5 Battle Axe against Magic-Users."
He then turned to the Cavalier, shook his hand, and said "Well played."

[Tehlewsur]

Our party was in town warning them about gnoll attacks. We were talking to a farmer, and were, for reasons I don't remember, talking about his chickens. He had said that they were too loud and he would appreciate them being quieter.

Our Warforged Cleric (this is a D&D 4th edition game) decided to go to the chickens and cast a Silence ritual, which prevents noise from leaving a 3x3 area. After it finished the ritual, it and the chickens were attacked by hyenas. The cleric tried to warn us, but we couldn't hear it because of the silence zone.

[only1doug]

We've been playing Warhammer recently, which has some interesting critical hit tables.


True story:
Our group has been assisting an outlying village with its problems but the head of the town guards was rather offended when one of the PCs was talking to his girlfriend ad challanged him to a duel.

It was a short and bloody fight, the Pc critted and the head guard collapsed, the part healer patched him up but he'll be awhile recovering from his injuries.

The party headed out of town to investigate some other issues and ended up in a cave, after clearing the cave of bad things (during which the PC who fought the duel was badly injured) we were challenged at the cave exit to come out un-armed with our hands up... which obviously didn't happen.

Some members of the party ran out of the cave and initiated melee, the PC who fought the duel stayed back and used his crossbow.

The enemy were also split into melee and archers and responded in kind, the melee fighting our melee and the archers shooting our crossbowman.
He was hit, in the leg, a 1 point critical (minor injury) the roll on the critical table was made and it was quite serious, the PC was out for the combat and his movement would be severely impeded for some weeks to come.
he was shot in the knee by an arrow and would have to (temporarily) retire from adventuring, but there was good news as the local town guards have a vacancy...

[Drake2009]

Ive got a few stories to tell. So Characters.
Me: wizard
barbarian
gunslinger
some rogue magic user thing cant remember name
rogue
Me (the other guy wasnt here) :cleric
NPC: Succubus (Have to work with her rar..)
So we are going to a house which the succubus needs to be cleared and apparently made an attack on us. We get there and the gate is blocked by to huge demons... The succubus said she forgot about them and that they actually liked torturing other demons. As she says that i stop the dm and say.. DUAL DISMISSAL! Poof the two big demons are gone and the path is cleared.. Then the barbarian says to the succubus "you better pay him" So she gives the wizard and cleric some of her jewelry.

Another one i have is sort of two. So way back when we were like level 6 and we came upon a bandit camp. We had the cleric diplomacy in and when he came back out we attacked. We were killed them and there were about 4 left when the gunslinger makes an attack and crits! We roll dice... and he comes up with a 44... the bandit had 5 health... So the dm being a fan of The Gamers Says he explodes like a vat of beef stroginof. so later on in the game we are in a cave and we come upon some drow guy. He starts monologing about how hes superior. So i decide to use another thing from the gamers. drow: I am far superior to y MAGIC MISSILE" boom 3 magic missiles in the face. And of course the rest of the party has to join in and start shooting him. Hes dead before he hits the floor and his pet lizard runs away.

A few other things are the gunslinger constantly getting crits. And theres one thing you never want to do to him. Interupt his card game, Its like saying here take this loaded dice that will go to 20 always. He always gets a crit if you do that. Also the rogue being obsessed with sandwiches. We found a small platinum chest and you know what he does. He puts his drow poison in his sack and the sandwiches in the chest.... Also the barbarian always cuts a hand of from the people she kills and sacrifices it to her god. Im just the trigger happy wizard who can blow you up or buff you. Especially since i have a staff of dark flame...

[Drake2009]

Ahh here comes a new one.
So my recent session we are gonna save the world.
We go to ask an Earth Genie and we see some drow fighting it.
We kill the drow and then we talk to the Genie.
I figure out that she is lying and i see a faint illusion around her so i dispel it.
Boom new drow lady. We kill her and continue in and find the real one. Shes trapped in a gem and we need an 8th level spell sunburst to get her out. So she shows us what we need to do and says we can come back for her. I then realize that i bought lots of stuff back in town like sun rods. So here is the conversation.

Me: Would a sun rod work?
DM: no to low level
Me: ... What about 20?
DM: Hmm.. That might work if you beat a dc
Me: .. What about 20 of them and Daylight spell?
DM: that would work....

[oball]

In a similar fashion, while playing a one-shot the group came across a strange obelisk and figured out that the secret door in the side required wind blowing on it to open. We had a druid in the party but he hadn't prepared Gust of Wind that day.

So naturally, we all took off our cloaks and wildly flapped them at the door until we finally created a strong enough wind to open it.

[Zahhak]

So, my group is playing a "super-hero" campaign, but I'm a red-skinned teleporting demon from the pit of hell that pays the bills as a bloodthirsty assassin whose hobbies include making lots and a lots of hellspawn babies, killing lots and lots of people, making Fausting deals with people, killing gang leaders and then taking over, and using seduction checks instead of interrogation... on men... as a man.

As an example, when I was summoned (against my will) I responded by killing everyone involved in summoning me, made a rude remark about Catholics when a super-Bishop showed up, and then I jumped out of a window on a high rise building. Then I decided to figure out who was involved in summoning me. So, I started grabbing up low level drug dealers until they told me who summoned me. Then I dropped them off of a high rise building. When I met the gang leader who summoned me, I dropped his biggest rival on him from several hundred feet up. Turns out the one I dropped was a living bomb. Oops.

Basically, I'm a terrible superhero, playing with people who are at least nominally superheros.

So, with that in mind, we end up all mind linked. For a little while I was telling one of the guys what was going through my mind in a whisper right next to him. Just imagine constantly hearing the voice a murderous demon in your ear going "kill kill kill, murder murder murder, kill kill kill, they'll be tasty as a milk shake, human milk shake, human milk shake, human milk shake, human milk shake, beat the big one with the little one until they're pudding, mmmm... human pudding.... I could go for some human pudding... or some human popsickles... meatsacks, meatsacks, meatsacks, meatpuppets! that's a good one, meatpuppet, kill the meatpuppet, kill the meatpuppet" and on and on and on.

This got very awkward for the player I was saying this right next to. Until my danger sense went off and then everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as the chanting stopped. Granted it was replaced with me thoughts on strategy and tactics, and which of my allies would best make a cuddlepuddle/fastball, and who would make the best meat-shield. Before the combat ended they decided just to break the mind link so they wouldn't have to listen to me anymore.

Hilarious for me and outsiders, but not so much for Taylor.

[Arkhosia]

One time, we were fighting evil noblemen, and I heroically kept onto and charged across a banquet table...slipping and falling face first in chocolate mousse. I then tried tossing a hand axe while lying probe on said table, but failed miserably with its only victim a roast ham.

[Drake2009]

Yes! Lets make this thread live!

[Ionbound]

Let's see. In an Eberron PF campaign, we have:
Me (Elven Wizard)
Paladin of Boldrei
Sorcerer
Rogue with a "Diplomace" (Not Involved)
Captain Hammer (Cleric of the Flame with a warhammer)
So we have an NPC that we are all very attached to and one that we hate. The one we all love is almost murdered by Drow, then the one we all hate show up at her hospital bedside and the Paladin gets voices in his head he believes is Boldrei telling him to kill the one we hate. Thus, since my character was not present for the event that made us hate him, she has to be the one keeping the Paladin still a Paladin. It is ridiculous. I'll update as we progress.

[bobthehero]

Lotrik the Cavalier (me) was forcefed a potion of enlarge person by the party Druid and got Bull Strenght cast on him

The following turn Dio the Ranger falls by Lotrik who tries to use him as a living longsword for the kicks.

Dio pants resist and snap, sending the poor Ranger into the mouth of a Colossal Nage the party was fighting.

Dio goes to town and throws 2 Alchemist fire in the throat of the Naga, burning it down.

That results in a very dead Naga, a very confused Cavalier and a very angry (and smelly!) Ranger without pants.

And that is how you beat CR: A lot due to DM buffs at level 4

[DM Rage]

1. About 18 years ago my group was tired of playing their first characters and decided they wanted to start fresh ones. I spent hours writing a new adventure; carefully balancing the dungeon and play testing. We sat down at the table to create the new PCs and the group starting looking through the rules cyclopedia for basic DND (we had only the red and blue box up to that point and the rules cyclopedia was a new thing). They roll for starting gold and as one of the group looks through the things he can buy in the cyclopedia, he notices chickens cost X silver pieces each and eggs cost X silver pieces each. Without telling me his plan, he asks if the starting gold is hard cash or in the form of stuff he inherited. Not realizing what was up, I said he could spend the money on whatever he wanted. So I go and grab a coke and when I come back the group is in a huddle. A minute later they announce they going into the chicken business (i think their plan was to invest in the farm in the hope that they could make thousands of gold and thus start with better than normal equipment). They buy no weapons or armor but instead look up the price of the materials for a coop, house, chickens and chicken feed. They argue that since their characters are all farm boys, they know all about the ins and outs of chicken farming. I played along out of morbid curiosity and some of the highlights were a fox breaking into the coop on several occasions and a rival chicken farm trying to undercut their egg prices.

2. On another occasion this group decided to pool their starting gold to purchase a war elephant (they used a bit of cunning to convince me one would be available). They each also bought or made a spear with what gold they had left. They prodded the war elephant into the dungeon and walked behind it prodding it when it stopped. Picture 6 unarmored characters in a dungeon walking behind an elephant with sharpened sticks. Basically, when an enemy was encountered, it became scared, and prodded from behind it trampled everything in its path since it took up the whole dungeon corridor. They took great delight in every goblin trampled and at my imitation of screaming and fleeing goblins.

3. Another strategy my group tried was when they surprised me by making a party of all fighters. We had been learning about the Romans in class and their interlocking shield strategy and watching Braveheart with Mel Gibson. Not giving much thought to what ideas this might be giving my group, I was expecting the standard mix of core classes but they role all fighters and deck them out with plate mail shields and pikes. They hire a bunch of retainer fighters on the promise of a share of the treasure. Then they form a shield wall with two rows of pikes and archers in the rear and walk through the dungeon using the pike to test everywhere for traps. Like a slow and steady machine, they move through the dungeon like an army rarely being hit due to their low armor class and long pike reach. They role play the men at arms perfectly shouting orders and acting like a bunch of fighters would act. They cared not for mysteries or subtleties of the dungeon. They just wanted blood and steamrolled over everything owning all the monsters. My carefully balanced dungeon for a mix of classes was completely unprepared for this onslaught.

Needless to say I learned a few things as a young DM. These experiences were enraging but fun at the same time.

[oball]

That first story is great! Who needs Dungeons & Dragons when you've got Coops & Chickens?

[Ylorch]

In an all wizard game I just started running, the PC's were exploring a tidal cave for loot possibly left behind by smugglers while the water was low. They come across a still flooded pocket with a Humboldt Squid in it. They didn't want to fight it on it's home turf and need to cross, so they ran back to the snake that they had previously slain and tie rope around it. They manage to pull it ashore, but then the squid latches onto one of the two remaining hirelings and drops him. Two turns later most of their hirelings are unconscious and all of their spells and crossbow bolts have missed. I was expecting them to run since first level wizards bereft of spells might as well be commoners and the squid was unscathed, but then the Illusionist decided to grapple the squid and after it getting loose a few times, he managed to pin it so that the Conjuror could hog tie it. They decided to head back out to the boat and finish exploring after regaining spells, but not before bringing their catch to market.

[Angel Bob]

Needless to say I learned a few things as a young DM. These experiences were enraging but fun at the same time.

And that's all that really matters. :smallsmile:

I've had a few creative interpretations of starting gold, most notably when my brother realized that his barbarian could purchase a giant riding lizard. Combined with his greatspear and all his charge powers... well... He named the character "Maelstrom", and I can think of no more fitting name. :smalltongue:

[Ozfer]

-snip-

Your group is awesome.

[DM Rage]

I don't recommend doing what is written below:

After a few years of playing together, my group and I decided it was time to make things "real". We lived in a small isolated community. With the best of nature in our backyard we had a great setting. We started playing "kill the goblin". The hunters were armed with longs sticks and a decorative metal sword. The goblin had a healing potion ( a 500 ml bottle of water) and a fibreglass bow with bamboo arrows with - get this - toilet paper wrapped around the ends.
The goblin had to go from point A to point B in the forest but had to stay within predetermined bounds. He could attempt swimming through the ocean or work his way over land. He had 6 Hp and if hit with the sword lost 4 Hp. If Hit with the spear he lost 3. The goblins arrows did 3 damage each and the hunters had 8 hp each. The healing potions could be used once - it had to be drunk or dumped in it's entirety before the healing would take effect. If the goblin was hit a lethal blow before the potion was consumed, he was killed and the game was over.
The goblin was selected on a rotational basis. He rarely made it. The best game we had was two goblins and 8 hunters. One goblin made it by swimming to the goal underwater for 300 meters, coming up for breath between the waves.
We actually used to hit each other hard with the weapons. One game I fired the bow at a friend who I noticed at the last minute hiding behind a rock. Enraged he chopped my arm and hand with the sword pretty hard - he was angry but I did not know why (so stupid of me). I had lost but I found out later that my friend had to go to the hospital for many stitches because my bamboo arrow had opened up his scalp. My friend had never complained and I had not seen much blood so I did not know he was hurt.
Of course our parents found out and we were forbidden from playing kill the goblin ever again.

[Crazyfailure13]

I don't recommend doing what is written below:

After a few years of playing together, my group and I decided it was time to make things "real". We lived in a small isolated community. With the best of nature in our backyard we had a great setting. We started playing "kill the goblin". The hunters were armed with longs sticks and a decorative metal sword. The goblin had a healing potion ( a 500 ml bottle of water) and a fibreglass bow with bamboo arrows with - get this - toilet paper wrapped around the ends.
The goblin had to go from point A to point B in the forest but had to stay within predetermined bounds. He could attempt swimming through the ocean or work his way over land. He had 6 Hp and if hit with the sword lost 4 Hp. If Hit with the spear he lost 3. The goblins arrows did 3 damage each and the hunters had 8 hp each. The healing potions could be used once - it had to be drunk or dumped in it's entirety before the healing would take effect. If the goblin was hit a lethal blow before the potion was consumed, he was killed and the game was over.
The goblin was selected on a rotational basis. He rarely made it. The best game we had was two goblins and 8 hunters. One goblin made it by swimming to the goal underwater for 300 meters, coming up for breath between the waves.
We actually used to hit each other hard with the weapons. One game I fired the bow at a friend who I noticed at the last minute hiding behind a rock. Enraged he chopped my arm and hand with the sword pretty hard - he was angry but I did not know why (so stupid of me). I had lost but I found out later that my friend had to go to the hospital for many stitches because my bamboo arrow had opened up his scalp. My friend had never complained and I had not seen much blood so I did not know he was hurt.
Of course our parents found out and we were forbidden from playing kill the goblin ever again.



This sounds awesome! I wish I could try that sometime :smallsmile:

[Zahhak]

If that was like a modified version of tag, that would have eliminated the safety problems and not greatly impacted the awesomeness of the game.

So, whose up for a game of tag?

[Ionbound]

I'd say the arrow did about 3 hp worth of damage, alright, just IRL rather than in the LARP-World.

[Deremir]

k so i just dm'ed my first dnd session last week and within the first 10 min (while the boat they started on is going down) this guy named jacob, who we all pretend is way more sectuall than he really is despite him being all zen monk most of the time, sais he looks for the hottest looking chick and tries to hook up with her while escorting her to a life boat. given how little time it took him to go there my fallowing respons to this was "you hook up with her and have sex on the way to shore, ps she's a hooker and you have hiv":smallbiggrin:

later they desided to take out the cobalt town they had just escaped from by puting his blood into there water suply, currently waiting for results

this is only outstaged for funny when the same character see's steave (the npc meatshield i had fill in for a missing player) scratched by what he thaught was a zombie and fall over stiff, he then proceades to try to kill steave, eventually returns to killing the "zombie" the other two members of his party go stiff to. and then he desides maiby he shouldnt kill them off and instead see what happens...but not before finishing off steave for "the stability of scociety"

steave is now a reacuring villan and a sentient undead

[DracoDei]

If that was like a modified version of tag, that would have eliminated the safety problems and not greatly impacted the awesomeness of the game.

So, whose up for a game of tag?
Well, really, if you do it right that is LARPing... they just have better safety procedures (and more complex rules, but those are optional).

[AmbientRaven]

me and some friends started a campaign this week just passed, most are new/haven't played in years (including myself) So I made the first dungeon a nice romp through a goblin tribes home burrow.

Me: DM
Caradoc: Cowardly Human Fighter (tank)
Mason: Cleric
Andalweise: Smart cracking, hits on anything with a pulse and lady bits bard
Groon: Half_Orc barbarian who thinks with his Axe.

In a large room they fight a bunch of goblin defenders, the barbarian Rages, Critical hits one goblin for almost 26 damage, cleaves another for 22 (this is at level 1). The remaining goblin runs in fear. The barbarian, Rage still going gives chase into a large dining hall. There seated at long trestle tables are a lot of goblins (about 14). The barbarian, mid rage decides to run up and kick the table out of his way. he kicks it so hard it goes flying, killing 10 of the goblins before the table comes to land
(Rolls a 20 for his str check (resulting in a roll of 44). So I ask him to roll a D20 for effect. another 20. Then a d12 for damage. rolls a 12. Then a d8 for distance, 20ft. he just kicked the table so hard and far it squished most of the goblins in the room)

Later in that dungeon...
At the end of the Dungeon the Group finds a room filled with women and children goblins. A matriarch informs them that the goblin tribe is peaceful. Passing a detect motive test they realise the goblins are good, and being honest. From the corpse of the leader the bard took a +1 studded leather vest. He asks the matron what she knows about it (saying he shows her the blood splattered leather armour and not knowing its +1). When the matrons says its her partners and starts crying he offers to sleep with her as way of apology. He definitely stuck to his characters story of being a man for the ladies! gave us all a laugh and made us all go "wow man..." at the same time

And this is from only week one, this week we have 3 more adventurers joining the fun..

[Krazzman]

Groon: Half_Orc barbarian who thinks with his Axe.

(Rolls a 20 for his str check (resulting in a roll of 44).


Do you play with explosive dice or how did he get a +24 Str-Mod? Or some other houserule?

Since I already am posting I'll add that one time our Barbarian was insulted by a mayor and decided to take a dump in the middle of his entrance hall while we were somewhere else.

[AmbientRaven]

Do you play with explosive dice or how did he get a +24 Str-Mod? Or some other houserule?

Since I already am posting I'll add that one time our Barbarian was insulted by a mayor and decided to take a dump in the middle of his entrance hall while we were somewhere else.

Sorry, wrote this when i first woke up, he had +9 str mod, so had a score of 29 on his roll. +9 from having 28str (20 natural, 4 rage, 4 buffs)

[Zahhak]

I was imaging a 20 pound weakling who was wearing like a hundred Belt of Giant Strength like a BDSM fetish outfit.

[Doomboy911]

I've considered using a pair of shocker lizards as a defibrilator .

Alright this is the one story I rarely use for these things.

So I'm playing a chaotic good barbarian and we're venturing into the bottom of this dungeon to kill a lawful good dragon, my character's story is that he got hired to move the rock in front of the cave and he was working pro bono so he'd get paid at the end. He spent most of his time reading "Tarzan of the apes" rather bored. We decided to head to the abyss to sell some books we had stolen. (To the record I was chaotic neutral but became chaotic good when I suggested we donate the books we couldn't sell to a local library.) So while we're there the DM goes into rich detail of how there's huge skyscrapers made of human corpses and some people still living howling in agony. I suggested there was a starbucks. One roll later and I was right.

So while we're in the abyss I decide to bang a shadow demon (intangible skoodily pooping is great) and my pants get torn off (part of it is one with my kidney now.) when we get back to the starbucks someone calls me out on being short on shorts. I decide my character is insane all of the sudden and announce an outlaw on pants. I than running around stealing people's pants. I started tearing at our wizard's robe until he revealed she was a girl and I decided to leave her alone. Also one guy didn't need me to steal his pants he had already lost them while screwing a succubus.

Oh and the icing on the cake we came to the abyss to sell our souls for cash and stuff. The party rogue comes up and tries to sell his soul.
Demon: I'll give you 50k.
Rogue: Deal.
*Approaches bored barbarian.*
Demon: I'll give you 50k.
Barbarian: No dice.
Demon: 100k.
*Barbarian turns to rogue*
Barbarian: HA. No
Demon 150k
Barbarian: No
Demon: 200k is my highest offer.
Barbarian: Nah without a soul money has even less value to me.

[Arkhosia]

I remember one time the party wizard distracted a ton of goblins from noticing us by making them hear the sound of a Tarrasque, despite the goblins not knowing Tarrasque existed.
The only thing in sight was a tree.
To this day, the goblins live in burrows, in fear of the mighty Pine, it's roar so terrible it can cause eardrums to shatter.

[Yukitsu]

OK, so knowing us, I'll lead you two in, you'll get killed, the late players will show up, and I'll go in with their new characters, and by the time they get killed, I'll lead whatever new characters you have written up by then etc.

Me: "OK, water is only that clear if something is wrong with it. I throw some baking soda in it."
DM: "The baking soda disappears without any reaction."
Me: "OK, I throw some vinegar in."
DM: "That also disappears."
Me: "I pour some into my water skin. Then I try putting some baking soda into it."
DM: "It's just water with baking soda in it."

--Later--

DM: "OK, you should really try that water."
Me: "No way, it has baking soda in it."
DM: :smallfurious:

Me: "So there's no way I'm not stealing those doors. It is my character's main motivation right now to steal those doors."
DM: "OK, 7 peasants die in the process of removing them."
Me: "That's a shame. Either way, I get back and install them as a flat top stove."
DM: :smallannoyed:
Me: "They're worth millions, the alternative is I sell them."
DM: :smallmad:

Employer: "STOP KIDNAPPING EVERYTHING!"
Me: "Look, I don't want to kill anyone, and we can't just let them run around free."
Employer: *lights boat full of prisoners on fire.* "I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!"
Me: "You're an evil lady."
Employer: "IT WAS A BOAT FULL OF GIGANTIC SPIDERS! NO ONE CARES ABOUT SPIDERS!"

[Drake2009]

Hello again! I have a new one for you.

K so were underground fighting this giant worm with wings. The rogue has an amazing idea. He climbs onto the worm using his spider climb slippers and places 2 immovable rods so its stuck now. The barbarians howls as the rogue jumps away so the worm is now scared. I kept trying death attacks but i couldnt get them to work. The worm smacks me and im almost dead. The cleric heals me and now im mad. So my wizard using his winged boots dive bombs the monster.... Dropping a bag with 20 alchemists fire into its mouth.... The gunslinger shoots it and it drops dead. It was awesome! The DM is seriously trying to kill us cause we usually breeze through encounters.

[DDdreamer]

This one's from Pathfinder, but I think it still counts. Here follows the collected fales...I mean tales of Chazo the catfolk ninja.
Our party is as follows:

Akiloo- CN Darfellan Barbarian 5 (Not a Pathfinder race, but I allowed my player to use it anyway)
Captain Boram "Ballbuster"- LG Halfling Monk 4/Cleric 1
Sil'rand- N Elf ranger 5
Chazo- CN Catfolk Ninja 5
Fafmira- A large, three-mast ship aquired by the party when they killed most of its original pirate crew and took command over the rest. It was refitted and renamed Fafmira shortly afterwards.


A failtale of Storms and Masts
So we're playing the Skull & Shackles adventure path and our party is cruising around the Shackles in their ship, the Fafmira. Suddenly a storm brews up and the party tries their very best to keep the ship steady while at the same time staying alive. Fafmira is rocking quite badly though, despite their efforts. Chazo is in his favourite spot, the crow's nest (Called the cat's nest by us since Chazo pretty much lives up there.). As the highest point of the ship, the crow's nest is rocking pretty bad so chazo gets an ingenious idea:

Chazo: "I climb out of the cat's nest and climb down the mast to the deck."
Me: "Alright, make an acrobatics check as the mast is really rocking back and forth and the rain makes it hard for you to see much of anything."

Needless to say, he fails , falls, and starts plummeting towards the deck. He manages to grab onto the sails though and hangs on for about a turn until he fails is strength check, loses his grip and starts falling again.
Through alternating luck with the dice he manages to catch himself four more times only to lose his grip and fall just as many times. In the end he smacked right into the deck and took some damage, but not even half as much as he'd have taken had he fallen all the way from the top.
One would think this would urge the player to be more careful around getting down from heights. One would be wrong.

A failtale of Ships and Badassness
So about an in-game day passes since the last incident and the players are still out at sea, having survived the storm. As they round a small cape they see a pirate ship attacking a small merchant ship.
Seeing an opportunity to be all heroic they set sail straight for the pirate ship. As they approach the ship, it turns around to face them. Akiloo and Boram jump off the side of Fafmira and swim over to the pirate ship to disrupt the crew before they can attack coordinate a ship-to-ship attack. Sil'rand stays behind to manage the ship's ballistae.
Meanwhile, Chazo walks up to the bow with is spyglass to check what kind of weaponry the pirate ship has. He discovers a catapult and some ballistae and, ready to take action, his player turns to me and says:

Chazo: "I draw my swords and jump off the ship."
At the time it sounded a bit like he was trying to look all badass and cinematic, but hey, he could technically do it according to the RAW so I let him do it.
Me: "Alright, make an a-
Then it hits me.
Me: "You were at the bow right?"
Chazo: "Yeah."
Me: "You jump off the BOW of a ship that's MOVING FORWARD. You barely have time to hit the water before the ship rams you in the back. Not only does the impact hurt like hell but the barnacles on the underside of the ship tear your back up and the salt water makes the pain almost unbearable. Take 6d6 damage and make a fortitude save."
Chazo: *Does a combined facepalm and jawdrop*

Chazo failed his fortitude save and got some penalties to his checks due to his severe, salt-water enhanced pain and he spent most of the encounter bobbing around in the water, trying to stay afloat and alive, Fafmira having gone way ahead of him. He was lucky to not die outright.


I'll be back with more stories eventually. My players have a tendency to get into all kinds of shenanigans.

D3

[Deathkeeper]

I don't get it. Even at the bow with a long jump you could clear the side. Not normally, but in DnD jumping fifteen feet isn't too far-fetched.

[DDdreamer]

Well, he was jumping straight ahead and the ship was going at maximum speed thanks to some excellent Profession(Sailor) rolls made by the crew and captain. It's like standing on top of a train moving at full speed and leaping down on the tracks in front of it. Even if you jump fifteen feet ahead of the train/ship, it's moving so fast that it'll catch up to you in no time.

D3

[Deathkeeper]

Well, I mean I got that part but if all he said was "I jump off the ship" I would assume he would mean perpendicular to its course like most people do. But then, sometimes I actually believe in human intelligence.

[DDdreamer]

Well, he never said he turned and jumped over the side. He was still standing at the bow looking forward at the enemy ship when he told me that he drew his weapons and jumped off the edge. I assumed he just leapt over the railing right in front of him.

D3

[Lord Torath]

Wait, "Stern?" Or "Bow?" Those are very different ends of the ship. :smallconfused:

In any case, that, to me, would be one of those situations where you say "you're standing at the bow of a swiftly moving ship, and you'll need to jump at least 15 feet to avoid getting run-over by your ship. Are you sure you want to jump?"

(Of course, when the party mage decided to plunge into the pool to grab the gem-encrusted globlet, I failed to say "Are you sure?" myself before dropping a Grey Ooze on her, so I'm guilty as well.)

[DDdreamer]

Bow, I meant to say bow... *ninja edits* Yeah, I thought of asking if he really wanted to jump off, but I chose not to. That particular character had gotten pretty annoying as of late, sliding into the stupid evil spectrum of chaotic evil and the guy really didn't seem to have a clue why jumping off the bow of a moving ship would be a bad idea.
I actually paused and looked at him when he said that and he told me again with a perfectly straight face. "I jump off the bow of the ship.". That was enough for me to just let him do it.
Normally I might've stopped the player first but this character was getting really annoying and I prefer to let the players do whatever they say they do unless they find out themselves that it's a bad idea.

D3

[holywhippet]

I don't get it. Even at the bow with a long jump you could clear the side. Not normally, but in DnD jumping fifteen feet isn't too far-fetched.

Being able to jump 15 feet won't matter if the ship is a lot wider than that: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_large_sailing_vessels

You'd get a bit more distance from jumping from a height, but likely not enough.

[Reltzik]

Paladin: "Look, you stole our chicken dinner from this farm, and that means we're going to talk to the farmer and offer to pay for the chicken."
Rogue: "Fine, fine."
Paladin: "And no lying your way out of it."
Rogue: "Okay, okay."
Paladin: "And quit being so cheerful about your larceny, you scofflaw."
Rogue: "Grim and serious, got it."
*knockknock*
Farmer: "Yes?"
Rogue: "Sir, are you the owner of a ten pound brown hen with a missing toe on its right foot? There was some... property damage, involving that bird. We're here to discuss.... methods of renumeration."
Farmer: "Uh... no I don't own any bird like that sorry!" *doorslam*
Rogue: "Welp, we offered. Happy?"
Paladin: *teethgrind*

[Amaril]

Paladin: "Look, you stole our chicken dinner from this farm, and that means we're going to talk to the farmer and offer to pay for the chicken."
Rogue: "Fine, fine."
Paladin: "And no lying your way out of it."
Rogue: "Okay, okay."
Paladin: "And quit being so cheerful about your larceny, you scofflaw."
Rogue: "Grim and serious, got it."
*knockknock*
Farmer: "Yes?"
Rogue: "Sir, are you the owner of a ten pound brown hen with a missing toe on its right foot? There was some... property damage, involving that bird. We're here to discuss.... methods of renumeration."
Farmer: "Uh... no I don't own any bird like that sorry!" *doorslam*
Rogue: "Welp, we offered. Happy?"
Paladin: *teethgrind*

I know this isn't the point of the story, but that right there? That's how you play a paladin.

[Sheogoroth]

My DM was running a 3rd level module, I can't quite remember the name of it, and the party consisted of four persons.
A Wizard, a fighter, an Alchemist, a rogue, and Yens, an NPC paladin of the DM's design.

The party had hunted a coven of witches to the area and stumbled upon a cave. In front of the cave was a large, crude glowing green obelisk, which the Wizard immediately grabs hold of, fails a will save for, and is stunned.

The obelisk was made of Warpstone(which I'm still not sure if my DM made up.) On touch, you save or get stunned for one round.

The Alchemist thinks this is the greatest thing since sliced bread and makes it his mission in life to take this thing with him. Luckily he has a pickaxe and begins whacking away at it, failing his will save and smacking his face on the ground everytime he breaks a piece of it off.

So the rest of the party carries on into the cave.
It's pitch black, and we can't see anything further than a foot even at the mouth of the cave- magic darkness no duobt.
Yens thinks it's a trap, but screw Yens- so the the party charges...
Over a 50 foot drop.
Yens looks for another way in.

So the party finally collects itself to find the room well lit, but happen to all simultaneously get an eyefull of the Nymph in the corner which proceeds to collectively blind the entire party save for the alchemist who was too busy losing brain cells to the warp stone which wasn't even meant to be a trap.

We're getting torn apart by the Nymph's minions when the wizard, who for some reason had maxed bluff when the rogue didn't, tries a different tactic... You see, last session he had almost successfully seduced a Sea Hag after saving against her Horrific appearance to let down her guard.

So he tries again on the nymph. Natural 1.

So meanwhile, the indignant alchemist is nearly comatose from the warp stone fumes, so we all assume that we're pretty much dead.

Bang!
Yens jumps into the fray, and proceeds to be severely outmatched by the nymph- but saves against blindness, and drags our flailing, blinded forms(he was a big guy) out the door, up a flight of stairs(ow) and outside, while being pursued by the Nymphs minions. He then gathers up the alchemist(who later lamented the loss of the warp stone he had mined) and leads us conga-line style back to town.
At least we didn't die?

[Lord Torath]

The Alchemist thinks this is the greatest thing since sliced bread and makes it his mission in life to take this thing with him. It is! Just imagine if you made slings stones out of this stuff? Or even stone arrowheads? Or a stone spearhead? Each hit requires a will save to avoid being stunned! (Sling stones might be kind of dangerous, unless you can devise a way to get them in your sling without touching them yourself, though.)

[Zahhak]

Some lead up: I'm into science and technology, and I like my SciFi like I like my math problems: hard. Taylor is working in medicine and knows some things about science and technology, and so does Erin, his younger (smarter) bother. There's a running joke in our group that Erin says every now and then: "Trust me on this, I have 22 years of experience, Taylor is wrong".

So, I'm building a SciFi campaign that takes place on another planet that hasn't been terraformed. It has its own native life (not sentient, but there is life), and the atmosphere isn't very conductive to human life. I'm kind of vague on the how (saying something about atmospheric CO2, and leaving it at that). So, Taylor chimes in that Earths CO2 is at 10% and doubling it would slowly kill most people after about a week. We have some interesting discussion about what this would mean for life on the planet.

So, then I go to a website and kind of vaguely ask for some input. Then someone points out Earths atmospheric CO2 is less than 0.5% and doubling that would make it so you get exhausted kind of easily, and maybe kill small babies and old people.

I tell this to Erin because it amuses me, and the first thing is says is "Damn you Taylor!" and he shakes his fist angrily at the gods who have cursed him.

[Lucianus]

I homebrewed a campaign for a group of seven players. At one point of an adventure there was a non-lethal trap that used Sovereign Glue to stick the intruders to the floor so the guards could capture them. Since my players aren't too bright and prefer the chaotic-stupid route of play, I assumed this would be too hard for them and threw them two bones.

First, they found a desk with four flasks with clear liquid in them (Universal Solvent, enough to get them unstuck.). Secondly, the trap was rigged to a dusty gold ingot set on a pedestal in a well traveled part of the castle they were raiding (Obvious trap much?).

P= player DM= me

P1- Oh look! Four healing potions!
DM- Uh, what makes you think they are healing potions? They're flasks, not vials.
P2- Wow! FLASKS of healing potions! We could drink out of each, like, five times!
DM- Guys... Why do you think they are potions?
P1- Sweet! Lets keep going.
DM- *sigh* Okay, you see an oddly out-of-place marble pedestal sitting in a dusty corner of the room, with no footprints around it, holding a gold ingot.
P3- I grab it!
DM- Out of place, no footprints near it, ingot covered in dust, not touched in many years.......
P7- Our lucky day!
DM- Make reflex saves.
P all- Fail with no roll higher than six (Ouch!)
DM- You are all stuck to the ground with Sovereign Glue. (Tards.....)
P5- Awww, guess we wait here to be captured.
P4- Yup, I'll throw my weapons away so they show us mercy.
DM- Guys, you remember the flasks you found?
P6- But we're not injured, why waste the healing?
DM- Okay then, you all get captured.....

Later on, player five takes a swig of the "healing flask", yeah, a mouthful of solvent. I tell him it tastes like pure ethanol mixed with gasoline and acetone, and he explosively empties his bowels of a vile smelling brown-black fluid a moment later. He was wearing chainmail at the time and was henceforth named Sir Spaghetti Pants when player two pointed out that fluid forced through a mesh forms lines which fly out in a spread. I have never DM'd again..... (Or ate pasta)

[Jay R]

I know this isn't the point of the story, but that right there? That's how you play a paladin.

Also, that's how you play a Rogue who travels with a Paladin.

[Drake2009]

Ok here comes another one!

K so were at the end of the campaign! Were one room away and gunslinger looks through the wall with gloves and sees a really nasty demon. I ask him if i can borrow the glove and he gives it to me. POOF demons been dismissed!

Were outside the door to fight the big bad guy and her minions. Gunslinger sees through the wall with his gloves and tells me there are some demons around her. She has a ring of counterspell with dismissal in it though. I cast tensers floating disc and the rogue.... he makes a ballista on the disc! we put an elemental gem of fire on the balista arrow and i pull everything from my bag of tricks tan... we shoot the balista set off the zoo and crush the rest of our gems... They surrendered in 8 seconds flat!

[Yukitsu]

"Well, we didn't agree if one or two tugs meant pull him back in. What's he going to do if he encounters something?"
"We'll pull him back in if we get one sustained tug."

"That's one long tug! Reel them in!"

"OK, so you utterly fail to properly throw the bag of flour, and now there's a puffy white cloud of flour all around you."
"OK, so you charge into the cloud of flour, but some of it gets in your eye, so you smack Yukitsu with your lucerne hammer and you both fall over."
"I hate critical failure charts, but that was pretty hilareous."

"The grey ooze jams a finger..."
"I hate critical failure charts."

[whumpworld]

ok so here goes. one of my first ever games of dnd and i play a gnome sorcerer with a pointy red hat and a white beard (on purpose i know) in our group is a bard a fighter and a half orc barbarian. on our way into this city we meet a traveling merchant who waves this insane awesome magic item under my nose then says i cant afford it and walks off with it. i was an enchanter so i tried to learn the magic but failed (way over my head). so were attacked by a troll shortly after that in a fit of rage (over the coin) and a few good rolls i take it down single handed.
so we enter the city and i come up with a brilliant plan i tell the king that the merchant stole the magic thing from me then the king goes "oh this thing i ordered from a merchant?" and hold it up my first reaction (as always) is to learn the enchantment nat 20 so now i can make my own and all i want is to get out of here. but how to ditch the king? so i say to him "i demand to see my mother she is rather green and down by the docks" referring to the orc of our party. yup insanity card. further held to as when i am sent to be observed by the court mages i summon a horse cast flying on it and ride it in panicked loopdyloops for several hours before it disappeared on me.
after this session our dm quit. the other players maintain my hilarity was to much for him (on the green mother part he left the room for 15 minutes to get his breath back)

[Souju]

Why Playing a Paladin is not for Everyone
Campaign: Kingmaker
Party make-up:
Ardent (Human Paladin)
Me (Tiefling Oracle)
Shalana (Aasimar Thundercaller Bard)
Guy (Human Detective Bard)
WRASSLOR! (Dwarf Tetori Monk) (absent from this session)

So this week we learned that not having the grappler around really hurts us as a party for a really bizarre reason.
So the detective becomes part of our party (his player was previously a wizard that got stuck in the Astral Plane when he threw a boss monster that was carrying a bag of holding into a portable hole. He's been having his own adventures between sessions) because he's asked by an evil god to retrieve an artifact for him from the last dungeon of the third book in order to progress his own personal story. He, of course, is not obligated to tell any of the rest of the party this, nor did most of us care.
Except the paladin.
When he finally gets someone (a piscodaemon) to bring him the artifact, the paladin asks if he can see it. Now, granted, this was the player asking the DM if his character could see it, but the DM took it literally and had the piscodaemon toss the artifact to the paladin.
Now, "fortunately" the paladin is immune to fear, so the Phantasmal Killer spell on the artifact didn't affect him. But my oracle successfully identified the spell going off on him...
Then, the paladin got the bright idea to destroy the artifact. Because it was evil. Right there. On the spot.
There was a collective "NOOOOOOO!" and initiative was rolled to stop the guy. For the first time ever, I beat everyone in initiative (I have no modifier and it's a running joke that I always roll under 10) and first used my turn to yell at him to not do that here and now. No response.
So, knowing his one weakness (his CMD is low because of a lack of DEX modifier and CHA being his primary stat) I cast black tentacles on the room, figuring 1d6+4 damage per round was better than whatever the consequences of attempting to destroy the artifact would be, especially since I could dismiss the tentacles. Any roll 7 or higher on the CMB check with the tentacles would bust through the paladin's CMD and keep him from using his weapon. It was either that or disarm him, which had the same basic chance of success.
Yeah, I wouldn't be posting this here if that actually worked, now would I?
I rolled a 1 on the grapple check for the tentacles. This was obviously not high enough to beat the paladin's CMD. Or my CMD. Or the Thundercaller's CMD. Just high enough to beat the Detective's CMD, though. Yay for DEX and STR being dump stats!
So, the paladin gets to go next. Despite being screamed at not to, and being attacked by the ONE party member that would never do so under normal circumstances (Legalistic Curse makes breaking promises a pain) and having a daemon just out of sight cackling with glee, he attacks the artifact.
Does he break it? Nope. Cracks it, though. Just enough to set off the more nasty Weird effect. Nobody makes the save except the paladin, but only because he is, again, immune to fear.
We end up with 1 dead party member (hero points saved the other two that were present) and a dead piscodaemon, and a dead hostage NPC we had just met.
The paladin then had to finagle hauling the various dead bodies out of the dungeon (no mean feat, cuz this included crossing a river with a dead centaur) and back to our city, where he paid for resurrections and got to meet my replacement character (Dual Cursed Oracle of the Life Mystery), who kindly asked why she was now rezzing her sister.
Needless to say, we no longer trust the paladin around sharp objects.

[imaloony]

I have brought up in the past a certain Kender from my group's campaign named Smidget, and told a lot of his stories, though many of them were quickly forgotten. Smidget died a lot, you see, before the DM set a limit on how many times we could be ressed/have our soul put back in our body. This time, however, was the story of how Smidget SHOULD have died, but did not.'

NOTE: This was an AD&D game in a custom setting.

So, our group had made it to a large dwarven city underground. Some of us went to the bar, some went shopping, some just chilled with the NPCs, you get the idea. Well, three characters, including Smidget, decided to go tour the mines. On their way down, they rode a minecart to their destination. They get to where they need to go, and they all get out to continue the tour. Well, most of them get out.
You see, Smidget though the ride was fun and wanted to go on it again (You know how Kender are) so once the others are off, he pulls the lever that he saw made the cart go. Behind him, he hears a Dwarf shout:
"Oh crap! Runaway cart!"
It is at this point that the DM mentions to us that while Smidget knew how to make the cart start up, he had failed to note an important step: The inhibitor lever, which kept the minecart at sane speeds. So, on their way in, the cart was going about 175MPH, give or take. As Smidget took his joyride, it was going roughly 250-300MPH.
At this point, the Dwarves at the other end of the tracks set up thick crash barriers and count the Kender a dead man.
Smidget, however, had other plans. Smidget was a Thief/Illusionist, and had a few spells at his disposal. He had realized that he was going too fast, and began hatching an escape plan. He had a metal shield with him, cast Magnetism on his feet, attached the shield to his feet, and then jumped off the cart when the crash barrier was in eyeshot.
The DM just said "Roll a d10." Our DM is a veteran, you see, having played the game for years, and he was very aware that Smidget was probably going to be splattered against the wall here. At this point, he didn't tell the person playing Smidget, but the d10 roll was to see where on the track Smidget jumped out. Too close to the barrier, he'd be too late and would smash into it. Too early, and he would fall into the pit that the tracks were suspended over and fall to his death. The DM figured that for him to land in this 30 foot safe zone, he'd need a roll of 7+. Smidget rolled an 8.
The DM rolled his eyes and said "Okay, now you're grinding on the ground on this shield at roughly Mach 1. You see the cart smash into the barricade ahead of you, and you have a path forward, but you're not going to slow down before you reach something else at this rate."
So what does Smidget do? He pulls out his grappling hook and tosses it behind him, hoping that it'll catch and he could slow it down that way. Again, our DM had him roll a d10 and didn't tell him what he was rolling for or what he needed to succeed, but in his head, our DM was thinking "He's got a 1-in-10 shot. Anything but a 1, and he's dead." Smidget rolls a 1.
So now the grappling hook has caught, and Smidget declares that he's using the rope to slow down. Our DM now has him roll Bend Bars/Lift Gates. Smidget's strength, by the way, was pretty terrible. In the 10-12 range, if I recall, which in AD&D is pretty low for this kind of thing. The DM, again, didn't tell Smidget that if he failed this roll that his arms would break under the pressure of trying to slow down from Mach 1. Smidget makes the roll, no problem.
So, Smidget glides into the Dwarven Cart station, a trail of sparks behind him and a bunch of dumbstruck Dwarves ahead of him. He stops in front of them and shouts at the top of his lungs "I DIDN'T DO IT!" and then passes out.

And that, my friends, is how Smidget the Kender invented a new extreme sport.

[Arkhosia]

We found a starving mage in a dungeon and I tried negotiating for an alliance in exchange for food. He took the food and used the surprise round to turn my friend's Minotaur PC into a cow.

[lytokk]

Been reading these stories for the past few days and laughing hard enough to remember a few of the things that happened to me, and I had to make an account just to talk about them

3.5 Ebberon Campaign
The only 2 pertinent characters are
Daagoth Shifter Monk
Roberc Halfling Paladin/Cavalier, ME (when the DM ruled that I could use the magebred template and attribute it all to a velociraptor, I was set, named chopperface)

The first story happened when we ran into a beholder in the mournlands, I think it was. The DM intended us to just run away, but doing so would leave all of our gear behind, we were attacked at night. I remember, beholders float, and I'm 3 feet tall, maybe a bit of metagaming remembering a beholders bite attack is pretty weak. When my turn in initiative comes around, I run, slide under the beholder, and just start stabbing up. was a DC 5 tumble check to make the slide, and without my armor, I was surprisingly nimble.

Second story, was the group of us, I think 6 total, got attacked by a 7 headed hydra, one of the big baddies. We're attacking the thing, trying to chop of heads and burn the stumps, and then I decide, just as a distraction, to send in Chopperface. One charge/full attack later, the hydra's down 80 hp. The rest of us stand back and let Chopper just dismantle the thing molecule by molecule, clean the whole thing up with a fireball. First time I ever heard of a hydra being killed via damage. DM tells me he hates my mount.

Third story, the party's unjustly imprisoned, in a large antimagic prison. Start prison break scenario, with us running through the hallways. I'm not causing much damage due to size and my mounts not hear. I have no access to my mounted feats, which multiply my damage on a mounted charge. Also, small size means I'm lagging behind the rest of the group. Daagoth, Monk, runs back picks me up, and carries me to the front of the group on his shoulders.

Me: Does, does this mean I'm mounted?
DM: Umm...
Daagoth: I'm fine with it
DM: Yes, you're mounted.

Turning an incredibly difficult prison break into the paladin riding the shifter through the halls clearing out everything with a simple spear, doing 3x damage to anything in my way.

bout the best I can think of now, and after a 6 year break in gaming, finally starting up a new campaign with my friends who are noted for goofing around. so should have more stories soon.

[dmatos]

The characters:
Kate - a werewolf fighter who failed her control shape check, and is stuck as a wolf until the next morning.
Erik - a human rogue.

The situation:
3.5e
Fighting a tendriculous, with regeneration 10, vulnerable to bludgeoning and acid. The characters have no acid damage, and no bludgeoning weapons. They manage to slice and bite the monster into unconsciousness, at which point Erik picks up a chair.

And proceeds to perform several coups de grace. Since the tendriculous was unconscious, it was clearly denied its DEX bonus to AC, so Erik got to add his sneak attack damage as well.

TL;DR: A rogue beats a monster to death by performing sneak attack coups de grace . . . with a chair.

[Scow2]

(Snip)Actually, that Werewolf's bite attack should have been dealing lethal damage as well, because Bite attacks deal Piercing, Slashing, and Bludgeon damage.

[Jon_Dahl]

If you want to read about PCs paying to get cursed, please open the spoiler tag.

The PCs were in a city waiting for the prophesied Chosen One. She arrived and got acquainted with the PCs. The only problem was that the Chosen One had to be of noble blood, because her role was to lead, but she was an acknowledged noble bastard.

Her father was on his deathbed, and promised the PCs that he would acknowledge his bastard if either she or the PCs would sign a Contract of Nephtas. The thing about the Contract of Nepthas is that you're permanently blinded, deafed and muted (no save) if you break the contract. This Contract dictated that his only grandson would be protected by signed parties after he was gone. The Chosen One refused because she hated his biological father's family, and she would not lift a finger to help the grandson. Two of the PCs agreed to protect the boy and signed the contact. The third PC refused to sign but the other PCs forced him to do it.

When the contract was enroute to the temple of Heironeous, the third PC attacked the cleric and paladin who had the contract and destroyed it. Then he fled from the city and was eliminated from the campaign.

Now that the contract was gone, the old man refused to acknowledge his bastard and thus the Chosen One was still a commoner. Because the PCs couldn't figure any way out of the situation (I told them that a very high diplomacy roll or some creative thinking could solve the problem), they paid for a new Contract of Nepthas (1400 gp), and signed it. Then the old man acknowledged the Chosen One's noble blood and from that day on the PCs have to look after the grandchild or become blind, deaf and dumb.

The PCs weren't rich, they have about 1000 gp left.

[Theirum]

Cast: Me DM
My friend who is a first time player

He had gained a very basic understanding of how to play and I was teaching him about Special Attacks. I was explaining sunder by having an enemy fighter use it in a really railroaded encounter(I was teaching him from scratch how else would you do it?). The plan was for him to fight off some pathetically weak rogues then finish off their big, bad, fighter at the end by sundering his weapon.

He had killed all the rogues and had engaged the fighter when I declared the fighters sunder. I started the sunder explanation. The enemy fighter rolled a natural 20(the ONLY way he could hit with a sunder for this fight. I was being nice) for his attack and broke my friends sword. My friend promptly starts running away. He gets away from the fighter by out running him and succeeding in a hide check.

So, here's my friend weaponless, against an angry fighter who is currently looking for him. He had some stuff in his backpack that he could use. Stuff like, rope and grappling hook, knife(I don't know why he didn't just buy a dagger but who cares), polished mirror, 10 foot pole, you know standard low level stuff that every new player takes. I figure that I could explain improvised weapons to him and did just that. What I expected him to do was use the knife or 10 foot pole or even a chair that I put in the encounter room.
You want to know what he said he wanted to do?

He asked if he could cut off one of the rogues limbs and use it as a weapon.

Me:"WAT?"

I was at a complete loss, I could have never of predicted that. What the hell was I going to do? In a panic I just started making up some rules on the spot. (Make a strength check to cut off the limb with his knife and a fort check to not become sickened) I somehow managed to play that as if they were legit rules.
My friend makes both saves for the amputation process and was now proudly brandishing a frightening new rogue arm. I treated it like a medium improvised weapon and my friend then finds, and charges the fighter with the arm screaming I am the delimbing avenger!. I secretly roll an intimidate check for my friend and he succeeds sending the fighter in to a frightened state. He then chases the fighter around the house beating him with his henchman's arm until the poor guy finally croaks.

It gets better. My friend then puts the arm in his backpack(yes you read that right, HE PUTS THE ARM IN HIS BACKPACK FOR LATER USE!) and leaves as if nothing happened. I decided to have some fun with this and on his way back into the nearby town I had a guard stop him, and check his belongings claiming that there was smuggling going on in the town, and that all material entering the town is being searched (airport security YAY!) He opens my friend backpack and I put on my best deadpan voice "Why do you have an arm in your backpack?". I just look at him. He rolls a bluff and give his explanation as "It's for a friend.". He failed. Miserably. I didn't care what he rolled, no one in the world would ever believe that. He spends the night in the town jail, awaiting interrogation. As the interrogation starts my friend manages to escape and runs off into the nearby forest.

The best part? He was playing a Neutral Good ranger.

[The Random NPC]

I didn't care what he rolled, no one in the world would ever believe that.

Now, now, in a world with resurrection magic, that is totally plausible.

[wolfdreams01]

I was playing a good-aligned fighter janitor in 4th edition. My character was 4th level, and both very tough and aggressive. He had pioneered a often-quoted concept called "hitting theory" which stated "There is no problem in the world that cannot be solved by hitting something or somebody with the right amount of force. The problem is simply identifying who or what needs to be hit and how you need to do it." Needless to say, he got into a lot of unnecessary fights. (All of which he won due to an exceedingly optimized build.)

At one point, my character was alone in a crypt talking to one of the GM's pet NPCs. You know those annoying NPCs that inexperienced GMs always seem to use? The ones that are basically the cool PC that the GM would want to play, who always assign quests while talking down to you, and are much more powerful than you are so you can't even put them in their place? Yeah, it was one of those. Level 18, or something like that.

The uber-powerful NPC was telling my character that something HAD to be done for the good of the city, yadda yadda, but my character wasn't having any of that railroad plot. So my character interrupted the dramatic speech to say "Look, you kin shut up now, or ah kin introduce you ta hittin' theory." There was a long pause, then the GM said "He draws his sword. Roll for initiative" with an evil smile on her face.

As fate would have it, I won the initiative. So I declared a move action to shift out of the crypt, a minor action to punch the heavy stone door with my fist, slamming it shut, and then a standard action to lock it. Then as the GM stared at me in shock, suddenly realizing that her uber-powerful pet NPC had been foiled by an intelligence 8 fighter slamming a door in his face, I told her that my character walked away whistling merrily.

Hitting theory always works.

[The Random NPC]

He had pioneered a often-quoted concept called "hitting theory" which stated "There is no problem in the world that cannot be solved by hitting something or somebody with the right amount of force. The problem is simply identifying who or what needs to be hit and how you need to do it."

Can the problem of identifying who or what needs to be hit and how you need to do it be solve via hitting theory?

[TeChameleon]

Can the problem of identifying who or what needs ot be hit and how you need to do it be solve via hitting theory?
Of course! Just hit people until one of them tells you who you actually need to hit.

(also known as 'intelligence gathering' :smalltongue:)

[Dungeon_Crawler]

Here's a few

Me: halfling rouge/sorceror
Ranger: elf ranger
Barbarian: half orc barbarian
Cleric : human cleric

We have to stop an assassination on the king. We learn that the bloodfist gang (the regicide guys) have agents in the kitchen. I stake out with the ranger at the kitchen. Two suspicious cooks emerge. I think the food they have is poisoned, so I have the ranger put something on the ground for me to "trip " over. He puts an arrow on the ground, and it stabs me while I fall over and knock over the poisoned food. The cooks pull out their weapons, proving that they are in fact gang members. Combining spells and my rapier, my cowardly rouge fends them off after the ranger leaves to stop the rest of the gang.

Same game and now we are about to infiltrate a hobgoblin base. The entrance is a pit. My rouge starts to go down but is stopped by the half orc, who after realizing that the pit has spikes at the bottom jumps down. I then skill fully grapple a rope across the pit witch lead to the hobbos. I slide down and the ranger tries to do as well but falls of the rope, wich my charecter saves in the classic grab my hand. The session ended after that and we decided to end that game after that. All in all in was our first and humorous adventure

[Dimers]

While I have the utmost respect for Hitting Theory in practical applications, I confess myself stymied by this theoretical issue: What if the problem to be solved is having hit things/people too many times?

[Ravian]

While I have the utmost respect for Hitting Theory in practical applications, I confess myself stymied by this theoretical issue: What if the problem to be solved is having hit things/people too many times?

Impossible! Take your crackpot theories elsewhere you madman, your proposal shan't be admitted to this fine institution of learning!

[TeChameleon]

While I have the utmost respect for Hitting Theory in practical applications, I confess myself stymied by this theoretical issue: What if the problem to be solved is having hit things/people too many times?

... depending on the nature of the problem, you either

a) Hit someone until they fix the thing you broke by hitting it too much, or hit other things until you have enough money to pay someone to fix the thing you broke via excessive hitting.
b) Hit the people who object to your hitting things/people until they stop complaining.

Really not that hard, here, people. Now pay attention, this will be on the test.

[FallenGeek]

Garth - a newly third level wizard who was one of two survivors of his party. He and his cleric friend were stripped of equipment and abandoned in another part of the dungeon by the kobolds who defeated them to appease other inhabitants of the complex.
Me - DM

Garth casts Alter Self to look like a kobold and is carrying his new cat familiar. (Good news, I have a cat. I named it Phillip. Bad news, its a girl cat.) His cleric friend hides from behind a corner as Garth walks to the kobold's lair and knocks on the door.

"Let me in, I'm locked out." Garth called in Draconic.

"But we're all here, so who are you?" - The kobold chieftain replied.

"I'm from around the island - but I brought fresh cat, so let me in." - Garth casts Shocking Grasp (3.0) allowing his cat to deliver the touch spell.

Me as DM - "um...Bluff check?"

Garth's player - "But I'm not lying."

DM - "He still doesn't want to believe you."

Garth's untrained Bluff roll - 14
Kobold's sense motive - 6

The Kobolds open the door and Garth throws the cat at the ornately dressed chieftain. The cat attacks and releases the touch spell, one-shotting the chieftain.

The kobolds are led by the most powerful spellcaster so the remaining warriors, bow to Garth (calling himself Terpo).

Then, I had to figure out how to eliminate the usefulness of a band of kobolds swearing loyalty to one of the PCs. Especially after he rolled even better to convince the others that he transformed to human to work with the orc tribe that the pcs had joined.

[Toy Killer]

Zombie apocalypse game, I let the players play in a "history" game, showing what happened in the recent past that allowed the events of the apocalypse to occur. All four players played as druids of different 'Cults' of druidism. Owl (Good), Wolf(Evil), Bear(Chaotic) and Stag (Lawful).

The laylines of magic is what prevented the plane from reaching spells above 3rd level (It's an E6 game). The druids have charged themselves with defending the leylines, but the leyline of the north is being tampered with. So, the four cults put aside their differences and send a representative of each cult to the forefront.

They quietly approach the leyline to find that a strip mining operation is being held on the land over it (The leylines were buried to keep them from being tampered with, a very druidic way of handling things). Mercenaries are posted above with light crossbows. Stag decides diplomacy is the best option. As soon as he mentions looking for the leyline, I face palm (Figured it was pretty obvious they were involved in tampering with the layline) and they sound the alarm.

Bear climbs up a tower and starts kicking ass, Stag right behind him (Bear is close combat, wild shape speced and stag is built for ranged combat). Wolf starts hunting down the guards around and owl non-chalantly disregards the battle. After bear gets a critical hit on the first guard, throws the second guard off the tower, he's out of people to fight...

He feels his best option is to leap off the tower, I tell him to make a jump check. he gets a natural one. as he tries to leap over the tower, his loincloth gets snagged on the spikey bits and he is dangling there with a wedgie. Each round, they continue to drop the mercs with ease and he desperately tries to free himself. (I ruled it an escape artist check, but in hindsight, a strength check would have been better...).

The party is about to delve into the pit and clean up the leyline, but Bear is still hanging on the tower.

Bear: Hey! Get Me down from here! Right Now!
Owl: As you wish... *slices the loin cloth free*
Bear: Augh! Dammit! I thought you were the F*ckin' healer!
Owl: *Shrug* Job security.

[Grixlird]

I was DMing a nice little game for a session with some of my friends who had never played. We had a Chaotic Evil Dragonborn (BTW, twas 4e), a "Neutral" Warlord (Named Lucy), and Merric the Halfling Rogue. The quest was for Merric, The Dragonborn, and Lucy to infiltrate a mine. However, it didn't go as I planned.

The Dragonborn got off to a bad start by threatening all the money out of the other players (With modifiers, he had a 20 Str, and 18 Con). When they went to sleep in an inn, he got up in the middle of the night, pinned Lucy to a wall, and asked HIM where Lucy's money he got from pickpocketing was.

I privately had previously suggested to Lucy's player that he put the money in a bank, and so he did, while the others were not watching.

Then the Dragonborn pummeled Lucy a bit, grabbed Lucy by the neck (By this time Merric was hiding) and went and made Lucy take all his money out of the bank and give it to the Dragonborn.

Merric's player had to leave.
As an NPC, I had Merric steal all the Dragonborn's new cash and run off. With a successful perception check, Lucy noticed Merric took the Dragonborn's cash and told him.
They ran after Merric, into a casino, where the Dragonborn lifted Merric off a card table, and while everyone else was distracted, Lucy stole the chips.

Then I was getting frustrated, even though it was supposed to be a Chaotic Evil/Evil campaign... so I brought out a level 20 Dwarven Paladin/Cleric (multiclassed) of mine to stop this, and try to talk some sense into the duo ingame.

Well, the Dragonborn tried to beat up the Dwarf, or at least hold him down while Lucy tried to kill him.
They failed, fortunately.
Then they ran outside with the money and Merric, the dragonborn took Merric down, slammed him into the road 3 times (in broad daylight), tryed to kill him over and over, and eventually incinerated him, scooped up the ashes, and took a leak on them.

The Dwarf, who had been watching and rubbing his temples, got up, knocked out Lucy and the Dragonborn, and forcibly imprisoned them inside the mine they were supposed to infiltrate.
Talk about railroading.

Our second session, we should actually get the quest partially accomplished!

[veti]

Me: a first level rogue in a fishing village, on the run from the law. Doesn't matter why, I don't remember anyway.

I find an unattended rowboat, figure I'll row out of the harbour and down the coast to somewhere less - warm, then stroll back into town as a completely uninvolved traveller. The only potential fly in the ointment: an Imperial battle galley moored in the same harbour. If - as seems likely - someone spots me before I'm out of the harbour, and the local authorities ask that to pursue me, it could swat me like an arthritic gnat.

So I figure: it's moored, the crew's ashore - I'll set fire to it, hopefully that will keep it docked for a few more hours at least.

I heave a flask of oil onto the lower oar deck. Direct hit. Yay!

Unfortunately, I failed my Spot check to notice that there were, in fact, people still on board. Next thing I know, there's a volley of crossbow bolts incoming. I take two hits, tumble out of the rowboat, and that's the end of that character.

Darwinism in action.

[Jay R]

While I have the utmost respect for Hitting Theory in practical applications, I confess myself stymied by this theoretical issue: What if the problem to be solved is having hit things/people too many times?

Analyze your problem more deeply. The real problem isn't that you hit something too hard. It's one of the following:

1. Somebody is mad at you for hitting someone or something too hard,
Solution: Hit the person mad at you harder.

2. You broke someone or something too hard, broke it, and now you need it.
Solution: Hit the other people around harder until they agree to bring you a replacement.

3. You hit something too hard, and now it's stuck.
Solution: Hit it harder from the other side.

[Diezo]

I have a lot so I'll get started. Most recent towards the past.

(Pathfinder campaign)
Characters: me-Vanaran(monkey people) ranger wielding a 2h hammer
erik-half-orc barbarian, with throw anything feat. wielding a great ax, connected by 40 ft chain to his "great ax"
tarek- bard with exceptional diplomacy and intimidate scores and facinate and invisible servant
issac-female (played by m) human(i think) rouge
others who werent very entertaining


Story:
Working for an adventurers guild, we are sent to clear out this ziggurat in the jungle. Its full of kobolds. We send Issac and the other rouge in to spy. they report about 6 adults and 30 children surrounding a huge bonfire, as well as 40-50 kobold eggs. Eric and i have been tanking so we charge in.
Now just as a note, we werent sure if this was allowed initially, but our DM said it was ok so we went with it constantly.
FASTBALL SPECIAL! Eric throws me, with his throw anything feat. I make an attack with my 2h hammer, with a charge bonus and a +4 from erics strength. Crit. The six adults all go down in one swing and i smash into the wall taking a 1d6 damage, (I had to acrobatics roll for not taking any more) land on the eggs and smash most of them. Tarek runs in behind us and fascinates the children.
A kobold yells down the stairs to us to leave or die. Isaac luckily knew draconic, why we dont know. He yells back, we have all of your children, leave the ziggurat and well let them go with you. Hey at least we tried to be peaceful. He yells back several not nice things. So one by one we begin killing the children. I smash one with my hammer, Eric chops one in half with his great ax. tarek casts invisible servant and pushes one into the fire. It burns brighter for a moment then back to normal. HMM. the children have snapped out of the facinate. Although weak like 30 of them could be annoying. So before tarek, our intimidate specialist can get a chance isaac, playing a teenage girl jumps in front of him and yells to the kobald babies "JUMP INTO THE FIRE NOW OR DIE!!!!!!!" our dm gives him a massive penalty, cause well who wants to jump into a fire. He rolls and crits his intimidate check. with the penalty its plenty enough to scare all the kobald babies into jumping into a huge bonfire to their deaths. We all just stand around looking at each other. We shrug and proceed upstairs where we destroy an entire clan of kobalds. Tarek tries to intimidate their leader, by explaining, in gruesome detail how we killed every child, he spent a solid 10 minutes describing it IRL and that he should just leave. Turns out he has a really high will and this just ticks him off. So he attacks but hes pretty easy to beat.

Earlier in the same game. We've just returned to town from a generic starter quest for the adventuring guild. go get this random thing from a nearby cave we use to test new recruits. So were back in town we turn the quest in the guild master gives us our guild rings, which give us small bonus on a skill according to what color they were. (mine was green it added to knowledge(nature) and survival) We spend about 15 min IRL debating about weather or not we should try to kill him and take over. We decide its a bad idea now, but later once we've gained some levels and his trust we would.(this was a neutral campaign btw) so he tells us to hang in town and a messager would bring us our next quest. AKA our dm didn't plan this far so wait a few minutes.
So we ask the dm whats in town. He explains and draws rough squares for, several generic shops, an armory, weaponry, etc. and a building that he simply marks SNB. We look at him confused. He says we have to look closer to see what the sign says. So eric and i go ahead as tark goes to the books shop (his character was a bibliophile) and the others go to sell the loot and rest at the tavern. Eric and i arrive at the building to read the sign. It says Steak n B*tches.
"AWWW YEA! " *High five* both IRL and in game
We go in. its a restaurant that serves steak for ridiculous cheap as well as being a brothel. When tarek finishes wasting his money, he literally had none left. he decides to come find everyone. he checks the tavern and asks the rest of the guys where eric and i are. they tell him were out so he heads out to find us. Playing a weird race like the vanaran youre pretty noticable so he asks around and finds us pretty quick. He enters to find eric and i feasting while the rest of our group was eating pretty measly fare at the tavern. After the food we decide hey brothel, so we each try to get one. I get one at a discounted rate because " such a strange race you are. I must see what you are capable of *giggle*" score.
all of the ladies are rejecting eric cause hes an ugly as sin half orc. at this point IRL isaac had to leave so we decided ok bryce will play you his character hadnt been introduced yet , he agreed, this will be referenced still as isaac to avoid confusion. So isaac got curious and decided to come find us as well. For the same reasons as tarek it doesnt take him long. Hes told its probably not a good place for him a "sweet young thing like you to go" but he ignores the kind man and comes any way. Entering im gone off, and he finds tarek trying to diplomacy the women into playing with eric. Tarek is just doing awful. The only agreeance eric has gotten was from the matron, an overweight ugly human who would still charge him triple. So tarek sees Isaac and gets an immediate evil, jerkish idea. He rolls to talk isaac into sleeping with eric. Dm says ok roll for it. Tarek crits. Isaac rolls a one on his sense motive. So eric the hulking half orc takes young teenage isaac into one of the rooms, bought for him by tarek, who procedes to take the matron because he can.
Eric then pulls out his "great ax" an act he symbolises IRL by standing up holding up his forearm to his belt area and slapping it. The dm rules that isaac takes 1d4 damage and a speed penalty for limping for the next few hours. We never told the rest of the group about SNB, but the 4 of us went back every time we came to town after that. Eric ended up famous because of his "great ax".
When actually isaac returned next play session it was the first thing we told him happened. He was irate.

I have some more I'll post later but thats all for now

[Ionbound]

Wow...I think that story is probably one of the most gruesome things I've heard in D&D...EVER.

[magwaaf]

I have a few stories myself that I should try to recall better, but for now I just remember my nudist.

He wasn't a nudist by choice, mind you. Not all life decisions are made by you, for you.

See, he was a simple Vow-of-Poverty Healer/Apostle of Peace that I made specifically underpowered for this game (long story short the DM hated everything pertaining to having money or being able to use skills, because knowledge (local) was clearly too powerful).

No matter what happened, no matter the situation, or the circumstances, or the DC or my modifers: if there was a Fireball spell cast that included me in the radius, I would roll a natural 1. This happened 6 freakin times.

The natural 1 rules on reflex saves cause damage to your equipment. Again, VoP. I had clothes, a club that was basically just a dead tree limb, and a spell component pouch.

6 times I had to walk into some town completely naked. Also I had to keep track of what spells of mine had material/focus components so I would know what I can or cannot do while naked.

i'm actually shocked that there are dm's that play with the "fireball (and ot such thngs) damage your personal gear" rule

[WeLoveFireballs]

I was running a stealth/investigation game in which the PCs were trying to steal an artifact from some government assassins. They had tracked down an entrance to the assassin's tunnel network (by lighting a bar on fire and interrogating and killing 5 people who had never heard of the assassins). One of their rogue/illusionist guys (there were 3) had discovered a secret door in the floor of a warehouse. They planned to open the door, lure out anyone guarding the entrance and get them into a nearby alley they had rigged with dropdown barriers at each end, 2 guys with bows on the roof and 4 more guys ready to take positions at each end with bows and axes. They had spent about 30 minutes IRL planning this all out and they were READY.

When they left, they hadn't opened the trapdoor at all, 2 were badly wounded, warehouse was burning down and one of the wounded guys had joined the city watch.

[Ravian]

Wow...I think that story is probably one of the most gruesome things I've heard in D&D...EVER.

Yeah, definitely wouldn't be comfortable with a situation where people are forcing children to jump into fires (No them being kobolds doesn't matter, they're still kids) Kind of why I avoid involving children in general unless they're hostages of a villain. I most certainly would have hit their alignments at that point.

[Dovahsith]

BBEG of "That Guy" DM was a lich with a suprisingly large focus on fire based spells. Party wizard turn one: GREASE:smallbiggrin:

[Silva Stormrage]

I posted this in the "Epic Moments" thread but its pretty funny as well :smalltongue:

D&D 3.5 Homebrew Setting

The party: Unarmed Fighter, Homebrew Poison User, Druid, Sorcerer, Artificer
All 16th level.
DM: Me

The party recently preformed a task for a rebel group that they support (3 way civil wars :smalltongue:). And the party was spending the night on their magical flying ship next to the rebel's main fortress, a large tower on a plateau. Suddenly their ship starts to fall as its flight enhancements are supressed and the tower starts launching fireballs from spell turrets lined on the wall. Their ship plummets to the ground but survives in one piece (it is REALLY well made).

The group is confused and not sure whats going on but they decide that instead of fighting they want to flee. The druid casts frostfell and control winds creating a path of ice and pushing their ship across the ice at high speeds (It still has sails). Their BBEG however, wanted them to invade the tower and fight the rebel group so she teleported in front of the ship while invisible and used magic to essentially knock the ship back by placing wards on the ground (Vector Witch + Vector Plates (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=228402)). The party not wanting to turn back now has the sorcerer create a wall of force ramp over the wards so that the ship jumps over them and hopefully off the plateau.

Now I wasn't expecting this (And so neither did the BBEG) and I had the BBEG teleport IN FRONT of the charging ship. I asked them to hold on a bit and did some math with the angles. They collide straight into their bbeg and knock her to 5 HP. All the PC's heard was a "You hear a thud as your ship goes up the ramp as if you hit something. You still see nothing in front of the ship". They then cast true seeing before the BBEG gets another turn and then see their BBEG pressed against their ship as it goes about 200 MPH off a ramp and off the plateau. Thankfully for the campaign they couldn't kill her before she could teleport away.

For TL:DR The group skated their flying ship along a path of ice jumped off a ramp and crashed straight into an invisible BBEG they didn't know was there almost killing her.

[StryderH]

So the PC's have known of this threat for awhile. Originally he helped them, then tried to bind them to himself as slaves, now he's already destroyed the planet. He was a demi-god devil mindflayer abomination sorta thing. He just looked like a 12 foot tall ripped mindflayer though

So the PCs, since they've died many many times going up against this guy they finally decide to try and plan ahead.

One of the PCs links their souls to the villain. When one dies the other will die too.

They go to fight him head on again. Every time this one PC gets hit the boss kinda flails about and is having a tough time.

PC 1: It worked! Now we can weaken him then bind him in a jar!

PC 2: Wait, you two are bound to eachother? What's that mean?

PC 1: Anything that happens to me happens to him! So all we have to d-..

PC 2: THAT'S CONFUSING AND STUPID! -shoots PC 1 in the head, kills him, and the boss explodes, skipping the entire boss battle-

PC 2: I DID IT! :D

[uberhero117]

So we're in a campaign set around Myst. We had just traveled to another age, the same age our rogue was from (and the same age where Beaches and Basilisks (http://bandb.sevensoupcans.com/) is set. I'm playing this Dwarf Duskblade who constantly likes to drink (big surprise). HE decides to ask this sphinx if she had any alcohol. The sphinx, apparently unfazed that I was asking for something so simple as beer, pulled two bottles from somewhere. My character downed one of them instantly. Our DM for this fateful crossover, the creator of Beaches and Basilisks, told me that there was a beer taste, but there was also this meaty taste to it. I asked the sphinx why the beer tasted meaty. She told me it was rabbit beer. I looked at the bottle and sure enough, it said rabbit beer.

I asked our DM, "Why rabbit beer?"

He said, "It was the only way they could get the hopps."

Needless to say, we spent the next ten minutes in hysterics.

[oball]

Playing in a Pathfinder one-shot on Saturday, my pre-gen character was Fergus, an alcoholic ship's chef (in reality a 4th-level monk). After battling sea serpents, giant dragonflies, and swarms of leeches, we made our way through a winding, ancient cave to seek out the goal of our quest: a tree bearing rare crystalline magical flowers.

The tunnel widened into a cavern, and in the centre, growing atop a slender pillar in the middle of a chasm, caught in a ray of sunlight spearing in from a gap in the cave roof, was the tree we sought. Unfortunately, hanging from the ceiling of the cavern guarding the tree was a 20-foot long giant crystalline spider. We rolled for initiative, and I got a two, putting Fergus dead last in the order of battle.

The first character to go fired an arrow at the giant spider, only to be told that his to-hit result of 23 resulted in no apparent damage. The group started to take cover behind corners in the passage, ready to snipe at the spider and hopefully lure it into a bottleneck. One member copped a poisoned crystal barb in the chest, spat out by the spider, and instantly the affected area started to turn to crystal. The situation looked dire.

Then it came to my turn. Fergus, who had been swigging from jugs of wine all adventure, staggered out into the middle of the cavern and addressed the spider:

"Hey you! Yeah, you big crystally bugger, hanging from the ceiling up there! Your mother was a chandelier! Come down here and fight, ya bastard, I'll headbutt your legs off!"

I informed the DM that at the same time I was making an Intimidate check. "OK then, make the roll."

Natural 20, for a total of 29.

Me: "Is it intimidated?"

DM: "No, it's a beast, it doesn't speak Common, you can't intimidate it."

"Fine then. I'm going to throw my empty jug at it."

"OK, it's ten range increments away so you'll take a -18 penalty to hit."

Natural 20. Again. The DM stares at the die in mild disbelief.

"Your jug hurtles across the cavern, smacking the spider right in the face. Roll for damage."

"Is it intimidated now?"

"...you know what? Yes. Yes it is."

[Rodimal]

[rant-mode]Why oh why can people not spell! Its Rogue damn it, R-O-G-U-E!!!! Rouge is a color not a character class!!!![/rant-mode]

Sorry just had to vent.


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