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illyahr
2013-10-01, 11:23 AM
At one point in time, I played and incubus named Argon. He couldn't hit anything, wore no armor or magic items (except a ring of mind shielding so people couldn't tell his alignment). I maxed out his ranks in Bluff so his seduce checks were always ridiculous and spammed his unlimited uses of Suggestion. Whenever the party would meet an enemy group, he would Detect Thoughts to find the ones who found his current form attractive and start wooing them, thus destroying the party cohesion of the other group (and leading to more than a few half-fiend children).

My wife, as DM, finally got frustrated at me breaking down every group she threw at us so she decided to set up an encounter (not a fight, just a run in) with a Great Wyrm Black Dragon Avatar of Faluzure (CR OMG). Untouchable spell resistance, impenetrable natural armor, unstoppable physical attacks and irrisistable magical abilities.

The rest of the group immediately realizes we are not supposed to beat this thing and that it is probably my fault. However, I wouldn't be in character if I just let it go so I did what I always do, which turned out something like this:

DM: OK, the dragon is angry that you have disturbed it but will let you go free with the proper tribute and apology.
Argon: Ok, how's this for an apology? *transforms into a female drow* I could also...stand in...as a tribute if you'd like... *rolls a seduce check, natural 20, total is a 43*
DM: Really? You're trying to seduce the dragon?
Me: Yep, it's worth a shot...so to speak lol
DM: Ok... *rolls Sense Motive, natural 1, total is 41* I don't believe this....
*entire party ROFLs*
DM: *sigh* The dragon turns into a male drow and smiles a toothy smile as he draws you into the trees.
DM: It's a good thing the reproduction rates for dragons are really low.
Me: Actually, as an Outsider I determine whether or not a child is concieved from any union I may have. I determine that the greatest thing I could do in this instance is stay in this form and birth the child. :smallamused:
DM: *looks up table in Book of Erotic Fantasy* You know what? Ok, but I am retiring your character as of now.

We all got a good laugh out of it but I am not allowed to play Argon in any campaign my wife is running. We later determined that the child would be a female Drow Half-Dragon Half-Fiend named Onyx. :smallbiggrin:

illyahr
2013-10-01, 11:27 AM
"Your jug hurtles across the cavern, smacking the spider right in the face. Roll for damage."

"Is it intimidated now?"

"...you know what? Yes. Yes it is."

Very nice :smallsmile:

Cassidius
2013-10-04, 12:35 AM
Pathfinder

Brayowin - dwarf barbarian
Lilya - human magus
Kraxiks - half-orc alchemist
Mattrim/myself - rogue/sorcerer

Our group had been having a problem with Kraxiks player for quite a while. He would call and say he was on his way to a gaming session, then call again four hours later saying he fell asleep. Then he would promise he would be at the next session and miss that one as well. This continued for a while, but was putting a damper on our campaign.

Well Kraxiks misses another session and our DM was forced to once again play as Kraxiks.

The group had just finished clearing out the boss of a goblin stronghold when we discovered a secret passage leading to some ancient ruins beneath the stronghold. We preceded inside and found some writing warning that ahead lay a cell containing a demon that if unleashed would destroy both ourselves and the world blah blah blah

Well my group as we are want to do said to heck with that, that demon's likely got some loot (and definitely some XP) so we made our way further down to his cell.

Once we opened the magic door containing the demon we found nothing inside, and thinking that it was our lucky day and we had possibly discovered some undefended loot we went inside past the alter in the center of the room. Once we were all inside the demon sprung from the alter and all heck broke loose.

The demon went first and put a pretty big hurt on the Brayowin, the party barbarian. Then the rest of the party took turns rolling terribly and missing with all of our attacks. The demon's second turn he nearly KO's Brayowin, and the party burns some swift actions saying we should get out while we still can and figure something else out.

Well Everyone else gets out of the room leaving just myself and the demon. On my turn I BARELY make it past the demon thanks to a couple of natural 20 acrobatics rolls to get past him. Once I'm outside the rest of the party slams the door closed and we begin healing Brayowin and begin hatching a better plan.

That's when the demon teleports behind us because... We forgot to lock the magic door!!! As far as we're concerned Plan B (also known as run, run, run) is still in full effect, so after the demon takes a few viscous swipes at Lilya, the party magus, we all begin making our way back out the stronghold.

The last person left to flee is... Kraxiks, the chronically absent player the DM is playing.

Thus begins some of the best role-playing we have ever had in our group...

The DM stands:
Kraxiks: "Keep going friends, don't wait for me."
DM: So I start frantically grabbing all of the bombs I have, I pull them out of my bandolier, I pull them from my belt, I even find a couple I put inside of my handy haversack earlier. Once I see Brayowin reach the top of the stairs I start pulling the caps off of every bomb I can hold with my teeth and charge the demon.
Kraxiks: "Come here you ugly mother, give Kraxiks a hug."

That was the last any of us ever heard of Kraxiks, although once the fire was out in the lower levels, the party decided to carve "Here lies Kraxiks, loyal friend" in the walls, near every greasy spot we could positively identify as his.

illyahr
2013-10-04, 10:12 AM
Our group had been having a problem with Kraxiks player for quite a while.
Well Kraxiks misses another session and our DM was forced to once again play as Kraxiks.

The last person left to flee is... Kraxiks, the chronically absent player the DM is playing.

Thus begins some of the best role-playing we have ever had in our group...

The DM stands:
Kraxiks: "Keep going friends, don't wait for me."
DM: So I start frantically grabbing all of the bombs I have, I pull them out of my bandolier, I pull them from my belt, I even find a couple I put inside of my handy haversack earlier. Once I see Brayowin reach the top of the stairs I start pulling the caps off of every bomb I can hold with my teeth and charge the demon.
Kraxiks: "Come here you ugly mother, give Kraxiks a hug."

That was the last any of us ever heard of Kraxiks, although once the fire was out in the lower levels, the party decided to carve "Here lies Kraxiks, loyal friend" in the walls, near every greasy spot we could positively identify as his.

Was anyone else thinking "Mark the Red" from the movie Gamers? :smalltongue:

Threadnaught
2013-10-04, 01:32 PM
[rant-mode]Why oh why can people not spell! Its Rogue damn it, R-O-G-U-E!!!! Rouge is a color not a character class!!!![/rant-mode]

My Rouge Wizard disagrees. :smallamused:

illyahr
2013-10-04, 02:14 PM
My Rouge Wizard disagrees. :smallamused:

...Please tell me this was a homosexual Thayan. :smallbiggrin:

Tim Proctor
2013-10-04, 10:35 PM
...Please tell me this was a homosexual Thayan. :smallbiggrin:

Isn't that why they made the Crimson Scourge (CityScape variant, p. 92) so they could be the rouge Rogue?

Bioboy725
2013-10-05, 02:05 AM
One of my best stories starts with my first wizard character. I played a magician con-artist that went by Todd McStiffstaff. First encounter with my party was to use cantrip to make an obviously fake ring and attempt to sell it to them. I roll a perfect bluff and go on to explain it will bring the buyer good luck. One of them buys it and as soon as he gives me some gold, the ring disintegrates. I tell him the true magic is in his heart. I then decide to follow them on their journey to attempt to make more easy money. That now 'lucky' guy instantly died in our first dungeon.

Another time, a friends character, named Bingo, died and we started on a quest to find someone to revive him. After hearing how far away this healer was, we buried him and held a funeral. I gave the shortest eulogy ever: "And Bingo was his name-o."

Bioboy725
2013-10-05, 03:28 AM
I just remembered a story from my first game of D&D. So, a friend of mine asked people in my fourth block class if they wanted to play a (very) quickly put together game of D&D. Anothe friend of mine(that had also never played) and I both agreed to play. We quickly set up characters and back story. So first friend DMs and explains we are in a large city and that we can do basically anything. Before I get a chance to say anything, the other player shouts that she wants to kidnap a passing half long child. We take him and for the next 20 minutes try finding shady people in alleys to sell him to. We eventually sell the kid to a gnome in a purple velvet suit and hat with feather.

Later that same campaign, after we finally got on track with the quest we were supposed to find, we get stopped by a small goblin. I instantly assume he has friends in the bushes and turn out to be right. So goblin, now backed up by an Orc barbarian and two rogues, informs us we are about to die. We roll for initiative, and I, thinking I rolled highest, begin to try and talk my way out of it. Our DM informs me I now have a throwing knife protruding from my stomach because one of the rogues had a higher initiative. I shut up and wait for my next turn. By the time I have another turn, I have three knives in me, one in each arm and that one in the stomach. My friend has killed one rogue so I talk to the Orc. I offer him all my money to kill his friends. At this point, our DM explains that gnomes have invented magic guns, which the Orc proceeds to pull out from nowhere(it had been explained he was only wearing a loincloth and the DM mimed pulling it from his butt) and shoots the other rogue and the goblin. He then tells us that he's surprised that worked as the gun was broken earlier. I ask him why he had a broken gun in his butt, to which he responds by telling me to keep my money and never speak of this to anyone. Orcish butt-guns are now a running joke in our campaigns.

TLDR:
An Orc hid a broken fire arm in his rectum because our DM didn't pay attention to what he told us 5 seconds before.

inexorabletruth
2013-10-05, 11:52 PM
I played a female Shifter Monk in a campaign for a first-time DM. He wanted thorough backgrounds and expressed that visuals would be nice. I fleshed out a pretty thorough background for my character, her personal motives, and interlaced meaningful relationships with the other PCs that I'd coordinated with the other players. I'd even plotted the travels she'd taken in her life to get from her birth city to the monastery she lived at.

What I forgot to add were details about the monastery itself. After reading my two-page "summary" of my character's life, the DM asked. "So... what's life in her monastery like?"

After staring a few daggers at him, I replied, "Monastic."

The DM shrugged and said, "Any rituals, practices, traditions?"

So, I pulled up my web browser, headed to YouTube, and gave him my visual. "Every single day is like this." (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmK7LTcXaeM) I replied.

When the video ended, the DM attempted to protest, but the rest of the party agreed that it seemed legit. So... I had to incorporate choreographed dancing into her morning meditation. Worth it.

The_Tentacle
2013-10-06, 05:46 PM
So in the most recent session of my D&D 4e group, our warlock was charged by his fey patron to get a portal inside Menzobaranzan (Drow capital city, no idea if I spelled it correctly). Because he gave us money, we decided to help.

First (this one has been posted elsewhere by both myself and the DM):
So the warlock (a Tiefling) has both insane bluff and stealth bonuses. So he is elected to sneak into the Bazaar and get some information. What he forgot was that he didn't actually speak Drow. So, using his Hat of Disguise to appear as a Drow, he goes in and begins to wander the marketplace. He hears an angry voice behind him, and turns around to see a Drow priestess addressing him. He had no idea what she was saying, and couldn't respond in the same language, so he followed my suggestions and pretended to be first mute and then deaf. Somehow, he succeeded on both checks.

Then the priestess switches to Drow sign language. He somehow fails to convince her that he is also blind, though not for lack of trying :smallbiggrin:. He got out okay by hiding and switching disguises, but we were in hysterics for several minutes.

Second (same session):
So after the disastrous reconnaissance mission, we decided to send the entire party in with the wizard appearing as a Drow (he had all the languages). We remember that at one point we formed an alliance with a cleric from house Barasin del Armgo, so we decide to appeal for her for help. Half way through the diplomacy checks to get to her, I mispronounce "Barasin" as "bears in." After saying this, everyone stops talking for several seconds and then I shout "THE BEARS ARE IN DEL ARMGO!" And the rest of the session it pretty much just jokes about the house del Armgo which was conquered by bears as part of a conspiracy to bring down Drow society from the inside. And remember, it's the black bears, they blend in better down there. Since the DM nearly went ballistic from this, it's going to become a recurring joke :smallbiggrin:.

MrIrish725
2013-10-08, 09:15 PM
I'm relatively new here, but I'll post one or two of my amusing stories...



So it was a first campaign with a new DM, and the character list was as follows (I apologize I don't recall names of characters, it was a few years back).

Me: Half-Elf Ranger, with an especially shiny quiver and wolf companion.
Jeff: Human Cleric
Mike: Human Fighter
Robbie: Gnome Rogue
Jon: Human Wizard


So the game started as our merry band was stranded level 1's with no weapons or gear, just clothes on our back, in the foothills of a nearby mountainous range. We proceed over the hills, being politely jovial and joking, until we come across a band of roving Kobolds guarding a nearby camp that held spoils of a raided caravan. Seeing as we were out numbered and had no weapons or gear, we decided to say "Screw it" and go for it. Our fighter rushed forward, and decided to grapple one of the guards. Our wizard promptly sat down (having no spells), and started playing with the grass at a safe distance. I picked up a small pile of rocks and began using them as "ballistic" weapons which my DM allowed. That's when it became our clerics turn. He decided to rush the nearest kobold and go for a mighty punch. DM allows it, tells him to roll. He rolls a 20, critical success. Rolls for damage, scores crazy high on the damage scale. So my DM played it out as follows...

DM: So you succeed in your attack...
Jeff: Woo! Alright what'd I do?
DM: You take a mighty swing at the nearby kobold. You proceed to slam your fist into it's groin with rare seen force. You smash it so hard in the groin your fist actually punctures up through its body, into it's rib cage and your hand is now gripping the dead kobolds brain steam. Congratulations, you now have +1 Kobold Gauntlet....

He also gave him the ability to move its jaw by squeezing his hand (think of a puppet), and named it Gary and it followed us through much of the adventure, until the body rotted to nothing and fell off his arm.


Another time, myself, the Wizard and the Fighter were all together, playing a seperate spin off campaign from our primary, at this time we were about level 5 or so.

We were making our way through a cavern of Arachnos (the spider people), trying to find our way towards our fighter friend who had been kidnapped in the night. We had to climb a vertical shaft, to access an ante-chamber to allows us to continue. Being a half-elf ranger with good dex, I had no problem making my jump and climb checks....my wizard friend? Not so much. So he got the brilliant idea to levitate a coil of rope to the top, then have it drop down. DM has him roll for it....wizard rolls a 1. DM starts laughing and explains it as such...

DM: So you are levitating the rope when you feel it snag on something. You focus your energy and begin pulling, but feel a weight behind it, slowing your progress. Ranger, roll a dex check...
Me: ?.......*rolls* *fails*....I fail.
DM: *laughing harder now* You feel something float by you, but wraps around your neck as it moves upward. You feel a sharp tug as you are pulled off the wall, and now suspended by this mysterious force (it was dark and I couldn't see the rope, only a small sliver of light). You feel it begin choking you. Wizard, you focus your efforts harder, and managed to drag this now much heavier rope up to the top of the cavern. You tie the rope off, and feel the weight now slip free, and you hear something tumbling down the cavern...Ranger, roll another dex check...
Me:.....*rolls and fails* Oh **** me....
DM: You are dragged to the top of the cavern, choking and gasping for air. You find salvation and lean out to grab the upper ledge, but the edge is slippery and hard to grasp...you begin falling down the cavern....

And that my friends is how my wizard friend strangled and dropped my Ranger to his death.....I was forced to reroll a character next session, which began the adventures of "Cookie: Half Orc Berzerker"...

illyahr
2013-10-09, 06:49 PM
One from one of my first games. We were still fairly low level, only about 5 or 6 at the time. I was playing a half-elf rogue named Robinda Hood (Robin Hood's cousin) who had a habit of drawing the DM's ire with her chaotic/neutral personality. He was a good sport about it and everyone thought it was a good character, but she had a knack for doing the one thing to derail his setups.

The setup:
First off, she was a kleptomaniac and put anything unattended into her pocket (think kender from dragonlance, hence the DM's frustration). When walking through dungeon paths, she would steal the torches off the wall as we walked and store him in her pack so she could sell them later (she would make 1 cp per torch, and would end up with an extra few gold every time we went out). The DM eventually declared that all torches were bolted to the wall. At any given time, she would be carrying any number of magical and mundane items, including a Scroll of Raise Dead and a Ring of Invisibility (keyword: periwinkle).


The last straw:
Our DM set up an epic fight for us. He set us up to raid an orc barracks to disrupt the orcs that had been harassing the local villages. With the numbers and levels he intended, he figured that Robinda wouldn't be able to disrupt too many of them at any given time, and some of his higher-level NPC orcs wouldn't be fooled by her antics. She would prove him wrong by a series of simple actions.

We entered the barracks without any trouble (we were a fairly stealthy group with some of the things Robinda had "acquired") and discovered that most of the orcs were eating dinner. As some of the group tried to come up with a plan, they hear me say "periwinkle" and then notice that I'm gone. Robinda proceeds to sneak into the mess hall and pick one orc's pocket. She then places one of the coins near the orc beside him and then "picks" the first orc's pocket again but makes it obvious this time.

The target orc was not pleased. DM made me roll a series of Sleight of Hand checks as well as a Bluff check opposed by the orc with a DC on each one of 25 (barely made each one). Since I passed all my checks, the orc saw the coins and punched his buddy. This started a massive brawl in the mess hall while I and my companions watched from the hallway and mopped up the few remaining once it had quieted down.

DM was not pleased. What was supposed to be a CR 8 dungeon turned into a cleanup operation after all but two of the orcs knocked themselves out.

The End...or not:
In a later session, we stumbled into a monstrous spider's lair. It was in some sturdy stone ruins (had our dwarf check to make sure) and they had built their webs on the ceiling so we didn't notice at first. As the first spiders attacked and we became aware of the webs, Robinda decided to set fire to all the webbing. She grabs one of the torches from her pack, has the wizard light it with a spell, and tosses it up into the webbing.

DM, after initially telling us all that the ruins were in good condition with no chance of collapse, declares that the fire weakened the structure enough to have the ceiling collapse on me, squishing me flat and destroying some of my gear. After the initial shock, the cleric remembers that I have a scroll of Raise Dead on me and convinces the party to dig up my...remains...to get to the scroll as a scroll would not be destroyed by a cave-in.

DM, not wanting the problem-character back, said they would have to keep rolling checks over several days as only one person in the group had a character that could handle that much manual labor. The group discussed it and (after a spellcraft check from our cleric) decided that they might be able to get to me before the time limit (9 days, as per item creation rules). Somehow, they kept making their checks and they dug me out on the ninth day so the cleric was able to use the scroll to revive me. Thereafter, the DM decided that the Dice Gods must approve of my character and stopped making attempts at her life. He referred to her as the Big Greasy Smear from that point on, however. :smallbiggrin:

sagiterios
2013-10-10, 02:46 PM
So I got involved in a joke campaign about a year ago. DM basically told us to do whatever we wanted.

He had no idea what he was about to get. This is the tale of Squidbits

multiple text walls incoming

the party

Everybody in the party did something interesting. Our rogue was Monsieur Bearduex, and yes, he was a bear with maxed out bluff and disguise. He became default party leader. He was a very noble bear, with a monocle and cane and a bag of holding sewn into his top hat, and his own personal butler to help do whatever His Grizzlyness is not able. (Coincidentally, he rolled a 20 and is the only person in the world who actually realizes his master is a bear). Another player rolled himself up a homicidal robot. Instead of any sort of normal weaponry he opted to carry around a full sized ballista, and would grapple after he inevitably missed. Our resident caster was based off Lulu from league of legends. Polymorph everything, never really think about turning them back.

But me, I did something special.

Enter Squidbits

now, free of character restrictions of any kind, I decided to see what I could do. So I said, "well why not an anthropomorphic octopus? He could wield cleavers, and be a master chef! That’s good, that’s good, but what about class? EH, screw it, warblade. I then poured skill points into profession: chef, craft: sushi, and jump. Why jump? Cause the octopus obviously needed to fly

His backstory was as such: some old nameless witch was looking to cook up a pot of her famous peoplepus jambalaya. That morning she had caught herself a warrior trying to make a name by taking her head. Now she just needed an octopus to get cooking. So down at the fish market, she finds a glorious specimen. Gigantic, still alive, and trying to eat everything in sight. So she stuffs it in a sack and heads back home. Then she gets to thinking. She had always chopped the people and the octopus into little pieces and left them to simmer. But what would real peoplepus taste like. SO she gets home, tosses the octopus in the cage with a paralyzed warblade, whips up some magic, and creates the very first peoplepus. That was a mistake. The spineless creature easily squeezed through the bars and bit off her foot. Then went to work on her face. And you know what? PEOPLE TASTE GREAT.

Somehow, in all the magic, the octopus had would up in control of the body, but still had the memories of the warblade. SO he spent the next day pouring over all the witches’ cookbooks, devouring every word, alongside the witch and everything else that was edible.

Now for this campaign, we rolled our stats randomly. I rolled one stat below a 14. It was something like 16 str, 18 dex, 18 con, 14 int 14 wis (before any enhancements/additions). Then he had 3 charisma. Than I asked if I could have some penalty to take off 3 more charisma. I didn’t even ask for anything in return. He wielded 6 cleavers, and had the multiattack feat line. He had something like 13 attacks at level 10. Broken as all hell. He also had a leather apron that allowed him to breathe out of water.

Meeting the party.

I entered the campaign a couple sessions late. And this is how I introduced myself.

The party woke up after making camp for the night. Somebody who was playing a monk that was absolutely convinced he was a dragon had decided to drop out of the campaign. So when the part awoke, they discovered, instead of their comrade, a giant skeleton of a silver dragon sitting on his sleeping mat/bed/whatever. It was utterly picked clean of all meat. Close inspection revealed cleaver marks on the bones, as well as the strong smell of ammonia and some dribblings of ink. The party basically said "that’s weird" and started out on the road. At some point, they spotted a flock of ducks flying overhead. The robot decided to take some target practice, with extra overkill. He doused his bolt in alchemists fire took aim with the ballista, and for I think the only time ever, hit his intended target on a nat 20. And confirmed it. The DM ruled that a roast duck fell out of the sky and landed on a silver platter that happened to be sitting beside the road. For some reason, the robot decided to store the duck in his chest cavity, as he could not actually eat it.

Sometime later along the road, The Dm prompted a spot/listen check and signaled to me. They passed barely enough to realize there was something in the woods beside the bush. Robot decides ballista is best solution. I decide this makes robot best target. SO I use a maneuver to leap out and do a full attack (my favorite maneuver on this guy). I roll a natural one. Dm rules that sense my innate bonus was enough to leap twice that distance, I instead face plant straight into the robot. The robot who is specked to grapple and covered in spikes. So apparently 6 of my7 8 libs become hopelessly entangled on his spikes, and the DM basically expects the robot to hand me my ass. Well I had some innate racial modifiers giving me constriction, and to everybody’s surprise I was doing as much damage as the robot. I also decided to let loose my ink bladder and blind him. SO The robot is blindly flailing around while an octopus attempts to pry itself off. It looks like this is gonna take a while, so the bear and Lulu start setting up a tea party.

Now me and the robot spend several rounds struggling with each other. I’ve managed to free a couple more limbs, and am keeping up with his damage, but the robot had significantly more health than me and was still doing slightly more damage, despite me binding up his limbs. So I decide to start tearing off his spiked plates. I’m rolling great on my strength checks, and tear off both shoulder pads off, and start working on his chest plate. Out pops the duck. Now me, being essentially a chaotic hungry, is instantly more interested in the roasted duck than continuing this long and problematic grapple. So next round, the robots eyes widen as I roll a nat 20 on my strength check to free all my limbs. He is expecting me to start beating on him until he was pile of scrap. I decided to jump on the duck. I devoured it in all of 6 seconds, and sense perspective-wise he couldn’t tell I was eating a duck, and thought I was surrendering. I then walked over to the tea party, rolled myself an epically high cooking check and made the best damn cup of tea our noble bear had ever tasted. So I was invited to join the party on the promise of many magnificent flavors to be had upon their adventure.

Spiders

So after a bit more waking through the woods we come upon a makeshift campsite by a lake. A group of dwarves are in the middle of fighting some spider-people things, maybe driders or something, don’t remember exactly. So upon witnessing this scene, I leap into action. Literally. Of course this results I a natural 1 and I fly directly into the campfire. The rest of the party is still across the lake so I’m sorta on my own (the ballista missed, big shock). So next round I pull myself out of the fire. The driders and dwarves have backed off from each other with the arrival of this strange squid-beast flinging himself across the lake. I stand, cleavers gleaming, chef hat ablaze, and prepare to enter battle against those most vile of creatures

DWARVES.

Now this is where I get to discover that I roll a lot of attacks every turn. And when you are playing with critical failures, this means a lot of interesting stuff can happen. Over the next few round I manage to chop off one of my own tentacles (they grow back in a few days), huck a cleaver into the lake, and lodge another cleaver into a rock. But the dwarves are dropping like flies, and eventually turn to run. Right into a very well-dressed bear who promptly decides that he does not much care for dwarves either. So there is now a nice collection of short and stocky corpses and some rather intimidated driders with no real route of escape (between the lake and a large rock). I finally put out my hat and get to work preparing our new “provisions”. The bear talks to the driders and learns that the Dwarven kingdom has chased them out of their ancestral home as part of the king’s ongoing war against the forest. (he ran out of elves).Only dwarves may enter the dwarven kingdom, which poses a problem for us, as robots squids and insane midgets seem to lack in the facial hair department. I immediately think of a solution:

I cut the face off a dwarf and wear it. The others seem to think this is an awful idea, but I am convinced of my genius. They instead ask the spider people to weave them some fake beards, with great results. But I insist on wearing my dwarf face. We decide to camp for the night. Lulu feasts upon her personal store of cupcakes while I spit roast a dwarf for the driders and the bear to eat.


Dwarves

The next day we head into the dwarven kingdom. The checkpoint is guarded by some celestial sworn to the service of the king, called the Champion. I approach him with a friendly hello and ask to enter the kingdom. Doesn’t work, He immediately takes offense to my horrendous beard and attacks me. But before I have the chance to add some celestial to my provisions the bear convinces him to stand down. The celestial, awestruck by the bear’s magnificent full-body beard, assumes that he must be of the most noble heritage. I am excused as a “pestilent peasant” and we are granted an audience with the king. The king is a fat old dwarf with the most magnificent flowing beard you have ever seen. It takes up half the room. Apparently, the dwarven kingdom is in turmoil. The streets are being flooded with beard-growing drugs, and the nobility is losing their footing as masters of facial hair as a result. They task us to stop it. So we figure that the squid won’t be any help in gathering information, so me and Lulu head to explore the city. Lulu blows all of her spells playing “tag” with the dwarven children. Tag is obviously best played with squirrels. I spend my time “enhancing” my beard with squirrel pelts, and trading some delicious “mystery meats” (read: dwarf) in the dwarven market. Eventually the others find us and inform us that the drug operation is housed in an old mine. So off we go to save the day. We bust into the mining office, kill us some dwarves and find out where in the mine they are storing their drug cache. Apparently it is guarded by some sort of monster; I think it was a knell beetle. So we go to kill this thing, and I win initiative, followed by the beetle and then lulu and the bear. So I did my usual thing and leap in, and I bet you’ll never guess what I rolled. So I lodge myself in the things trumpet and lose my turn. It responds by blasting it as loud as it could, blow me across the room and dealing more damage than I am happy about. So then lulu has herself a great idea. She polymorphs the bear into the most powerful monster she could pull off at her level, cause why not? The bear suddenly finds himself a cryohydra, and blasts the thing with his breath weapon. No more knell beetle. Robot never even got to miss with his ballista.

So here we are with this GIANT cache of beard-growing narcotics. And me who has constantly been trying to improve my beard. So I down a few thousand doses. Much to my disappointment, I find that my tentacles merely crow out, become glossy and weave themselves into a braid. I really just wanted the best beard ever, but I guess you can only do so much with an octopus. As we exit the mind, we are greeted by the king’s guard, who inform us we are under arrest for drugrunning. So we blow our way past them and go hide in a shady part of town. There we meet a shadowy figure that informs us that the king had ordered the creation of the drug for his own use, but the recipe got out. So we decide he needs a good ol’ overthrowing. WE take our argument to the Champion, who is outraged at the king’s fraud and agrees to rally the troops while we take out the king. So we go to commit ourselves some wholesome regicide. We have no real difficulty getting to the throne room with the champions troops holding off the royal guard. The king is sitting on his throne surrounded by his elite bodyguards. It should be known that this king is apparently a bard well above our own level. But I’m a squid, so screw him. I do my leap thing one more time and guess what I roll? A 4! So I launch myself across the room and unload a full attack onto his regal face. (This is the first time I managed to complete a full attack round without rolling a 1) I hit with most of my attacks, and since my stance adds another d6 onto every attack, I end up burning through something like 80% of his health. Robot decides to forgo the ballista and just charge in to finish him off. As the king died, his magically enhanced beard reverted into its true state” a scraggly neck beard. The royal guards are all horrified at the king’s deception. And that’s when they noticed the bear. He walked up, rolled the king out of the throne and proclaimed “If there are any in this land who challenge my magnificent beard, let him step forward and claim the throne from under me” and sat down. The royal guard immediately kneeled and hailed him as the True King of the Dwarves.

And so a rogue who happened to be a bear became the greatest king the dwarven kingdom had ever known. The remaining supplies of beard drug were powdered and spread into the forest, causing the trees to grow beards and be accepted into the dwarven kingdom, ending the decades long war with the forest.


Unfortunately, at this point we were inundated with finals, and with the DMs graduation this campaign ended. But Squidbits will always be remembered. And who knows, he may even return some day.

ReaderAt2046
2013-10-10, 09:57 PM
So we were playing D&D 4th, and it pretty soon became clear that I'd made a hilariously bad choice: playing a paladin in a crew of loonies (my crewmates included but were not limited to a ranger archer who can make 4 full-damage attacks a round (we're all at level 1), a mage character with an irresistible compulsion to futz with magic gear, and a rouge in a clown outfit). Things got off to an ok start when a flying ship fell out of the sky and its captain hired us to guard it.

After a while we get attacked by seven wolves. Of course, clown-dude decides this is the appropriate time to kidnap the first mate, for reasons which are unclear, and mage-dude decides to make the ship take off. Due to its being broken, it only gets a couple of feet off the ground, but it starts spinning around in circles and several PCs get beaned.

The next encounter has a horde of sixteen goblin minions showing up and getting shredded (our goliath berserker killed four of them by doing a Mario impression and the quad-attack ranger shredded most of the rest). I managed to get the group to take one alive for interrogation, but nobody spoke Goblin so we couldn't get much out of him, even before the goliath decided to sit on him.

Then the piece de resistance, a level 14 enemy in black armor teleports onto the ship's deck and starts trying to kill the captain. Naturally, half the party joins him and I get knocked out by the ranger's quad-power attack. At that point, it became obvious that I could no longer be part of the party, so we decided that my paladin got off the ship at the first available opportunity and went to get more paladins. Plot hook!

oball
2013-10-12, 08:02 AM
Harken well, friends, and listen as I relate a tale of bravery, of peril, and of heroic self-sacrifice.

'twas in the years following the Fall, the catastrophic event that toppled decadent empires, reshaped the land itself and plunged the world into a frozen age, eternal winter shrouding the land in a cloak of ice. Four hundred years had passed since then when our heroes set out from the village of Berun's Run, charged by the elders with the task of journeying to a distant and ancient tomb to search for artifacts that might lift this icy veil and once again allow us to flourish.

Three we were - Duran, a human, a ranger of the wilds, with his trusty canine companion Woof; Mongo, dwarvish fighter of renown, slayer of Cave Lizards; and myself, Frnimbl Frostsnap the gnome, my bardic duty to chronicle our quest. For weeks we forged a path across the frozen wastes, living off the land, fighting frostlings, ice giants and starving wolves. Eventually we found our way to the tomb, ancient hold of the Lagossian cult, wandering healers. Abandoned for four hundred years, only undead guardians remained. A pack of ghouls fell quickly before our blades, but alas! In single combat with a mummy, Mongo prevailed, but not before the foul creature had passed on its curse and its disease.

His strength was rapidly failing, but still we pressed on. Exploring the final rooms of the tomb, we came across the ghost of Anian Lagos, founder of the cult. He related what lore he could, but was unable to aid poor Mongo. However, he revealed to us a teleportation circle set in the floor of the tomb, through which he could send us to a location that remained warm amidst the ice. We stepped inside the circle, to be transported to a balmy lakeside.

The unfrozen lake, a forested island in the midst of it, lapped at green, healthy grass, but the circle of warmth only extended so far from the shore of the lake. Beyond that, the frozen pine forests we were used to marched far away into the distance. Clearly this was the work of powerful magic. Exploring the area, we came across a strange lady and her companion, a bear of prodigous size. She was clearly one of the fae, and told us that she had been there since before the Fall. We asked her about the island, and she replied only that there was a great evil there, unkillable and implacable, but unable to cross the water. Some powerful force had placed it there centuries prior to guard something, but she knew not what. Despite her warnings, we decided to journey to the island to investigate.

Cutting branches to form flotation devices, we swam to the island. Reaching it, we saw a circular track around the circumference. Duran, using his skill as a tracker, determined that it had been formed by the same creature repeatedly walking this trail, perhaps for hundreds of years. We realised this must be the evil the fae lady spoke of, and it would not be long before it was upon us. As we spoke, we heard it approaching. Mongo the dwarf, brave, doomed soul, aware that no cure was available for his disease, quickly formed a plan.

Before leaving our village, the elders had supplied us with alchemists's fire of unusual strength. Roughly four times as powerful as normal, these fiery potions had already served us well against the undead. Mongo quickly gathered the 16 we had left and slung them about his person. Bidding us to climb trees and remain hidden, he began to shout a challenge to the unknown guardian of the island. Before long, it charged out of the trees, a tall figure clad head-to-toe in black spiked armour, rimed with frost depsite the magical warmth of the lake. Wielding an enormous axe, it charged at brave Mongo. At the last possible moment, he took two alchemist's fires in his hands and clapped them together.

A moment of light, a flash of intense heat. Where Mongo had stood only moments before was a rapidly expanding firestorm. The creature was hurled from sight by the fireball. Once the hailstorm of splinters from the annihilated trees was gone, we hastened to the centre of the island. On a pedestal stood a crystal orb, which we pocketed. Running back to the shore, we dived into the water and swam for it. The creature, blackened and battered by the fireball, followed us to the shore, but dared not enter the water. Making it back to the mainland, we collapsed, and I resolved to make sure that the sacrifice of Mongo the dwarf would never be forgotten.

(The alchemist's fires did 64d6 of damage altogether. The player insisted on finding 64 d6s and rolling it all at once. Ended up doing 202 points of damage. Magnificent.)

Afool
2013-10-12, 10:45 AM
I think this might do better under the Epic Moments thread.:smallredface:

Cael Armanic
2013-10-24, 01:07 PM
My very first encounter playing D&D (Pathfinder, CRB only)
Party: Me (Sorcerer) a bard, two rangers, a rogue and a cleric of pharasma

In the first night we were all asleep except our cleric, keeping watch.

DM: You notice a man bleeding heavily, in ragged clothes wander into your camp. Before you have a chance to do anything he collapses, still breathing.

Cleric: I smash his head with my hammer.

DM: ...What?

Cleric: You said we were near a forest which had werewolves in. He is clearly a werewolf.

DM: How could you possibly know that?

Cleric: Well was he?

DM: ...

Needless to say, they were a werewolf but not feral. A few very angry paladin werewolves showed up not long after that and confiscated the clerics hammer. We got it back but it can only deal nonlethal damage now.

Kamui Atropa
2013-10-31, 05:00 AM
Some weeks ago we had to start a new d&d 3.5 campaign (in a homebrew world named Xanteria) because the last got screwed up by one of our players. With this scenario our DM decided to punish us, if we use knowledge our characters could not have (which was s lot, since everyone of us knew the world very well). If he knew what this decision would lead to he would have changed his mind.

For this story only 2 of 7 characters are important.
Sakura a hengeyoukai(Fox) druid
Kamui Atropa (ME) a botalanian Ranger, specialiced in archery
(botalanians in a few words are plant people whose knowlegde and botanical abilities come from a magic pyramid, that allows them to crossbreed any seed. Being pacifists they took great advantage out of this ability. If they are far away from that pyramid they "degenerate" to normal humans)

It was a simple start for the adventure. A sorcerer wanted to awake a demon out of its 500 years of sleep so he sacrificed innocent people. The local judge hired us to stop that. After three dead bodies we had to find a way to improve our hunt.
So Sakura and Kamui decided to go to the library and search for a book about ancient rituals. We knew that the ritual would need a Stone called "The stone of Berias." So we talked to the librarian, but were only allowed to whisper. So I whispere the named Berias. Our DM, who can be really evil, didn't understand me very well so decided to go with what the librarian could have understood.
She showd us the way to a book. It was a big black book. When my character tried to pull it out of the shelf the DM said "It feels very heavy, as if it is working against you. Do you really want to pull it out of the shelf?"
I said "yes" because Kamui could not no that he was already doomed. I knew it.

So the book was lying on table. There was a word written in language (demonic) that neither Sakura nor Kamui could read. So I decided to open it. The other Players were informed that they heard a gigantic explosion und those standing in open space could see smoke coming form the library.

Of course Sakura und Me were thinkin "ok we are dead". But because of the explosion, because we knew what would happen next. The librarian thougt we were searching for a book about BELIAL, which is the god of devils. And these books are a gateway to his realm. Too bad our characters had no chance fo knowing that.

DM: You are standing in a huge cavern. There are skulls everywhere. In front of you there is a throne made of human bones and a Person ten times your size is sitting there. It hast horns, hoofs and seems to be very angry.
DM (as Belial): What are you doing here?
Sakura starts to smoke a jo... she starts "eating s sandwich"
ME: We don't know, there was this book...
DM (as Belial): Those books again, I should destroy them. So what can you do for me?

There was silence. We knew that we were technically dead. So we did the only thing possible. Just played out the characters how they appeared until now. So Sakura kept eating her sandwich and I said the first thing that comes to Kamuis mind.

Sakura: Want a sandwich?
A fiery gaze turns the "sandwich" to ashes.
DM: you feel the presence of your god disappearing
ME: We don't know, we were just searching for a book about rituals to summon a demon...
Silence at the table. Everyone had this "you didn't say that to him" look on their face
DM (as Belial): You want to summon a demon?
ME (thinkin): no we don't but if I say that he will kill me and I am pretty sure he knows when I am telling truth and when I lie to him. So...
ME: We are somehow involed in the ressurection of a Demon.
Silence again. Our DM repeate my last words a few times and smiled.
DM (as Belial): so may it be!
DM: He sends to flames to your chests. You feel no pain, but somethin dark has infected you. The next moment your are back and see the ruins of a library.
Sakura: I'll never eat a sandwich anymore.

That was the moment, we had to make a break beacause it was late at the night. Everyone was still staring at me. The DM leand to me and said:
"Are you aware of what happened? You just talked Belial out of turning you into a cockroach or worse AND this god of evil is now interested in you AND you made it possible that the sorcerer now really has a chance to awake the demon and that all because you mispronounced Berias."
My answer: "At least I didn't kill the whole party this time"

Scow2
2013-10-31, 08:09 PM
So... your characters went from the Heroes of the campaign to Villains?

Kamui Atropa
2013-11-06, 08:30 AM
So... your characters went from the Heroes of the campaign to Villains?

No we have become pawns of the devil.

We tried to stop the Necromancer but it turned out, that the ritual killed him. But when we entered the tomb the falmes left our body and the Demon Theobar rose from his grave.

Since it was the demon of slaughter and suicide I think I do not have to specify what happened to the nearby town.

But thanks to a giant walking golden statue und divine intervention we found a method of killing the demon and as a bonus were sent back to moment he rose from his grave and could kill him right there.

And that was just the beginning.

During the last session we encountered a special horse. 4 things made it special.
1. Our druid talked with the horse and it stated that it would kill us all. The first one would be me because I tried to put a bridle on it so that our troll could ride on it.
2. It ist one Half Giant Horse
3. The other halfe ist a nightmare
4. It was infected by a werewolf

Number 4 was very bad for me. After another meeting with a demonic god(des) (my character seems to be cursed) I came back with a lot of bleeding scratches that could not be healed with normal magic but that burned like salted papercuts. I could not react fast enough when that horse was suddenly standing next to me and started licking on one of the bloody scratches.
DM: your wounds are tingling and start to disapear.
Me: Cool
DM: you were infected. Now you are a werewolf
*silence*
Me: Does the horse still want to kill me?
DM: I think so.

I had more of this bad luck that night.

ReaderAt2046
2013-11-06, 07:09 PM
So we're playing Call of Cuthulu, and one of our party members (named Aiden) has gotten plot-hooked. Specifically, one of his friends has become addicted to a hallucinogenic magical drug called "pixie dust" and is dying. So we bring him back to the hospital and I secretly perform a Heal ritual on him (my character is an active magic-user). The ritual does nothing, and the GM informs me by secret note that the addict's body is fine. The problem is the depletion of his spirit.
This is where I come up with a really stupid idea. According to some notes we recovered, pixie dust induces a sort of collective consciousness among its users, so I propose to Aiden that he deliberately take the pixie dust in the hopes that he'll be able to communicate with his friend and wake him up. To my complete astonishment, he actually does it... and promptly gets possessed by an unknown party. Naturally, once he regains control, he decides to dismiss all my ideas on principle.

Diezo
2013-11-07, 01:43 PM
The setup- It was our first time playing DND 3.5 as a group. Some of us had played before but it was usually just the prepackaged quests and whatnot. So we decided to play and make it a fun, rule-breaking game. Basically anything goes. We all took turns being DM.

The players- Me- A lightning angel Paladin and during our second game, A half-dragon, half-celestial paladin (yes the half and half doesn't work but in my mind two halves make a whole)
Paul- A demon Cleric. IRL he tried to start a religion in my basement(where we were playing) following his character, so hes crazy
Brandon- A rogue Penis. Yea an anthropomorphic penis, with twin hand Xbows, that shot daggers, which exploded.
Kevin- A mindflayer sorcerer
AJ- A human fighter. He wanted to play a for real game even though he agreed to our shenanigans, so he hated how much fun we were having and so he was often the target for our jokes and such.

The Stories- Spoilered for length, and in order to how they happened
Kevin was playing DM. We enter the dungeon and are all in a small room. The doorway to the rest of the dungeon is blocked by bars, so naturally we try to break them down. We can't. Off to the left of the doorway we find five switches all in the up position. To us this seems simple. Flip some switches go in. We first try to switch them all down. Nothing happens. We spend almost an hour OOG trying to figure out the right combination of up/down to open the door. Nothing works.
I turn to the DM and ask, "Hey are there other dungeons around the town, like could we leave and go to another one and kill stuff?" He answers sure. Ok then I take my figure and slide him so hes back outside the dungeon. Our DM reaches over and places my figure on the other side of the barred doorway and says "Good job" We all stare at him. Finally Brandon asks, so all we had to do was leave and we'd teleport over there?"
"Yep" he replies. "You're a jerk Kev"
We had been exploring the dungeon for a while now, easily killing things, usually by bending or breaking the rules. This really ticked AJ off, every time we'd break a rule he'd have a little heartattack and go off on us for being "stupid" and "ruining the game". By this point we were all pretty tired of AJ so we wanted to kill him. And so it began. We had got another friend of ours to play DM so that we wouldnt have to. We enter a room with whats describe d as a "garish hot pink wall" and full of orcs. Paul and I take out the 20ish orcs in one round, so we begin to loot them and the room. AJ for some reason is convinced the pink wall is important so he continues to investigate it. After a while he rolls a 20 on his search check to investigate the wall. Our new DM looks him dead in the eye and says "OK then you feel a headache growing behind your eyes, and soon your vision fades away to nothing but pink." AJ's jaw hit the ground. He was just blinded by a wall of pink paint.

At this point we were pretty high levels. With Paul and I continuing to make up racial abilities for ourselves and killing everything before anyone else could even get a move. One 'night' in game when Paul was praying for spells, he hears the voice of his demon god speaking to him. It tells him that the god is pleased with Pauls progress and wants to grant him a boon, anything Paul asks for. Paul immediately asks for a tank. However with no engines the god asks, but what will pull your tank. Pauls response: tentacle wolves AKA displacer beasts. The god responds very well, take this token and whenever you need your tank and beasts, simply offer a sacrifice and bathe the token in his blood. No none of us knew this had occured as we had all left to use the bathroom, get food, etc. while Paul prepped spells. When we got back we started again. First room we enter has a pair of great wyrm black dragons. Crap. ALthough we all were high level we didnt really trust ourselves to survive. Paul steps to the front of the group and takes one of brandons hand xbows. "Don't worry guys I have a plan" He turns to AJ and shoots him square in the face. The dagger goes through AJ's eye and sticks, then explodes. Aj died. Brandon Kevin and I were stunned. Paul kneels next to the corpse and soaks his token in AJ's blood, suddenly from behind him the DM pulls a toy tank and several small toy dogs to represent the tentacle wolves. He puts paul in the toy tank and places it on the board. The dragons scoff and proceed to mock us. Paul asks "did we decide how much damage the tanks gun does?" The DM shakes his head and says " no here well do it randomly each time." He puts one of each kind of die d4, d6, etc. in a baggie and hands it to Paul. Paul turns his tank toward the closest of the dragons and fires. He hits and crits. He reaches in the bag and pulls out a d20, rolls and rolls a 20. The tank had a crit rate of x4 so 80 damage plus another dice roll, so paul rolls boom a second 20. so 100 damage total, which to a great wyrm is nothing. However Paul reloads Brandons borrowed xbow and shoots one of his displacer beasts, the beast dies and the tank reload and fires again. This time Paul pulls out a d100. He rolls and 80. This continues until Paul is out of displacer beasts and the dragon is clearly on his last legs. Paul then uses Brandons last dagger to shoot the dragon. And he misses.... So then the real fight began as we beat down the mostly dead dragon as well as the fully alive one.

So after almost everyone left Kevin and I decided to restart at level one and work our way back up. I made an entirely new character(see above) and he just de-leveled his. Brandon agreed to be our DM. So Kevin and I level fairly quickly without much stress. We wipe out a village of orcs and have the entire nation on our tail, not a good thing. So as were running we head through some woods. On our way we run into a Grey render. For a pair of about 4th level characters we were panicing that it would take us too long to beat and we would be caught by the orc nation. So first round I dive bomb the Grey Render. As a paladin I could have a mount, I choose a Pegasus, why because Brandon allowed it. So in my charge I crit and deal about 80 some odd damage, since I was using a lance I already had bonus damage. Before I can finish the render off Kevin stops me. "No wait I want it." He has his mindflayer walk up to it and mind control it. I heal it for him using up all of my Lay on hands. We find a choke point in the woods using a river and some tough trees. And we wait. Fianlly the vanguard of the orc nation breaks thought he undergrowth and sees us standing waiting. Kevin makes the grey render roll an intimidate check, and I roll one and he rolls one. All 3 were 19 or 20. The vanguard turn tail and ran, warning the rest of the army about the terror that lay ahead. And so we survived.

CorwinofAmber
2013-11-08, 12:54 PM
So a few friends and I got together to start a role playing game based around King Arther stuff ( Knights and shizzle ) No a few of us had done a little role playing before but not much and are GM had done a lot of his own writing and stuff from books. So we all rolled our knight and i ended up with the most evil badass knight in existence - Think Samuel Jackson mixed with Captain Evil, Cool, Funny but a complete C**t.

So we all enter a tourney to test out some skill and earn some favor/gold.
My Char is doing the Joust when i unhorse the other knight I'm fighting and continue to engage on foot. After a few bad roles by me and some good ones by our GM i am down on one knee and about to be knocked out Game over no prizes for me. ROLL FOR EVIL, -19 Brilliant! I grab a hand full of dirt and hurl it in his eyes. ( Not very knightly at all ) I then spring into attack and roll 20! Knocking him off his feet and unconscious all in one blow. Whoop Whoop.

Up till now its not too bad until i decide i like his armor more than mine so i strip him naked and leave him there in the middle of the arena naked. After discovering the armor wont fit me i send it to the black smith to melt it down.

When the other knight shows up at my tent and demands his armor back i oblige and present him with a lump of metal and tell him to leave while he still has both legs.

He spits at me and calls me ***** so i throw a chair and knock him out again. This time i take a few hundred gold but leave him with the lump of metal.

This was the most fun i have ever had and really pissed of the lawful good knight in our party who was shocked and horrified by my actions but thought better than to challenge me.:smallbiggrin:

BeholdenCaulf
2013-11-09, 09:51 AM
A few months ago in a campaign I'm running, this happened

2 PCs want to rob houses with a thieves guild despite one being a full-plated fighter and the other being a sorcerer

In the first instance, the fighter was in a bedroom and heard someone ascending the stairs

With a woeful hide and move silently, he tries the window

Locked, and no open lock class skill

Panicking with time ticking down, the fighter does the only thing he can think of and take a running jump through a second storey glass window

Later, robbing another house (or possibly the same, I can't remember) the sorcerer bluffed the general whose house they were trying to rob that the king was in danger

This backfired as the general insisted he accompany and help, woke up practically an entire infantry division and rode towards the castle, sorcerer in tow

To try and escape this situation, the sorcerer throws himself off the horse

However, nearly all of the soldiers spot this and about turn and wait for him to climb back on his horse, meaning he had thrown himself off a horse for absolutely no reason and looked ridiculous :)

Windy
2013-11-09, 11:40 PM
One night my brother was visiting from out of town, so I decided to run a one-shot Pathfinder session with him and two of my friends. It was a great game, mostly because they weren't afraid to ham it up with their characters in a one-shot. Some of the highlights:


The rogue bought the tavern's cheapest liquor, diluted it, mixed in some herbs, and sold it back at a premium as cough medicine.
The halfling ranger rode on the shoulders of the cleric like a mount in the middle of combat. He aced all of his ride checks.
My brother, playing the cleric, eventually found out about the evil cult. He interrupted their summoning ritual, saying, "It's time for some holy justice now. You guys had..." *sunglasses* "...your chants." YEEEAAAAAAHH!


This group is definitely going to have another adventure the next time my brother visits.

DSmaster21
2013-11-10, 05:44 PM
(Note: PF)

Characters

Lewis as boldor (The most foolish rogue in the world who the player insists has a lowercase name that he often misspells as bolor or once bord)
Me as Akrem EagleFlight (My GMPC druid who always carried lots of Goodberries to revive boldor and has a bird motif and Roc campanion that covers for his lack of combat ability)
Nick as ... (We could never pronounce his bard's name so we called him Sing-Song because he insisted on role-playing his character's many many many performances)
We had 1-2 other players (it was a drop-in sort of campaign) that day but the three of us are the only ones key to this story

We were fighting some sort of large monster (Troll, Ogre, Tiny Giant) and Lewis forgot about threatening reach and declared that his character would pull his crossbow and run away to fire from further out. So I explain how this would work and wouldn't you know it the beast missed its first AOE but nailed him with the second. So I declared that since it swung at the back of his head and he was running away he got sent flying and passed out. So he lands a ways and during my turn I run over and had already used up my stash of goodberries for the day on him so I did a heal check to stabilize I rolled a 14+4 so my guy bandages his whole head. The other players went and then Nick ran over and used cure light wounds. The troll got a 0 for init so it took a swing at one of the frontliners and then Lewis went. He shouts "I leap to my feet and waste the F-worder with my crossbow". Laughing I ask him to do an acrobatics check and he succeeded (crit). I ask him to roll for his shot (5 I think) and secretly did some tallying for the fact that he had bandages over his eyes. In the end he shot himself in the foot.

I said something like "you pull the trigger and suddenly feel a sharp pain in your foot".
He (is very loud) screams "I look down at my foot. what do I see?"
Me: "Darkness"
Lewis: "What?"
Me: "everything looks black"
Lewis: (Thinking his character has fallen down a sinkhole or something, he is perfectly intelligent but cannot take hint) "nothing?"
Me: "Well you see little slats of light"
Lewis: "I run toward the light"
Me: "Roll athletics"
Lewis (grumbling about gdanged dark rough terrain and stupid random dm poop) *rolls* 1.
Me: "you fall and hit your head"
Lewis: "DM BS rant, swear, swear, Dang railroading"

Eventually we ended the fight and had to chase down a stumbling fool who didn't think to (IC) check to see why his head felt fuzzy which is what I said to him when he managed to get up again or (OOC) remember what I said while stabilizing him. This is really only the beginning of him doing stuff like this in that campaign (and, since he always plays and rogue named boldor that seems to just be there to be a comic relief butt monkey, every campaign).

Vindcara
2013-11-14, 11:50 AM
Ok so i was a new first level roug with a sevrnthish level party and we had encountered a deck of many things. So one of the cards caused a incarnation of death to show up. Everytime someone attacked someone elses death a new death showed up for them so...
Dm: what do youbdo?
Me: i pick deaths pocked.
I ended up geting several glowing pearls that blinded you when you cast detect magic on them.

Erth16
2013-11-19, 10:00 PM
One of my groups first Pathfinder campaigns, we were getting into homebrew, I was playing a homebrew Dragoon, and my friend was playing some fighter homebrew with a speed of about 120 feet as a move action. So we were walking along to find this kingdom hidden in some swamps, and then this happens.

DM: You hear the sounds of several roars.

Druid: I roll Knowledge Nature, can I Identify the animals?

DM: Yes it is a pride of lions, they are nearby.

Fighter: I charge off in the direction of the lions.

*A round or two later, the rest of the 7 man party +1 dragon this was designed for are left in the dust by his run actions.*

Fighter: Ok, now I charge the strongest looking lion.
*misses*

DM: Ok, the lion *rolls* bites you and *rolls* You are stuck in the lions jaws. It is grappling you.

Fighter: ****.

DM: The other two lions begin to claw at you.

Thankfully, the Fighter was tough, and we managed to get there before he died. Then this happened.

Me: Ok I jump at the Lion grappling him.
*Misses.*
Me:...I then try to stab it.
*Nat 1*

Everyone:...
Wizard and Dragon: Is it time for fire yet?

We got out with no casualties, although due to our house rule that falling unconscious maims you horribly, the Fighter lost an arm and a leg.

There were other weird moments in this campaign, such as the time soon afterwards we ran into a meadery made entirely out of Obdurium long swords, or when we fought three paladins the fighter angered, with the Bard doing most of the up front fighting.

AlCndnRjct
2013-11-20, 12:00 AM
Current campaign played usually over roll20. D&D 3.5e DM's fully detailed world with history and ****. I go over to my friends' place as they are in the same city as me and we use our laptops. On of my friends is playing a human paladin, the other friend a tyfeling rouge. The other people over roll20 are the DM and a player playing a human fighter. I'm a dwarven cleric with ADD. So we go to a fairly nice city in a place with no central authority. Sort of like Ancient Greece with its city-states. So we go to this town and the party stops in an inn. I go off to get my flail enchanted. While I'm off, the party is arrested for breaking the law of "our countess is a corrupt evil bitch so **** you". The rouge/assassin manages to escape custody and kill a couple guards with his ****huege death attack of doom. He runs off. I, meanwhile, have just left the enchanter and am on my way back to the inn. A couple guards stop me and ask who I am. I reply with the truth (no metagaming) and they try to arrest me. I hold person one of them and cast darkness. I kill the non-held one and run away through the alley. I make my way back to the inn now fully aware that I am wanted. The bartender had been stabbed by the rouge so I tend to his wound in exchange for him hiding me. Unluckily, a guard walks in and pots me kneeling behind the counter. He asks who I am and I reply that I'm just a dwarf. He tries to arrest me. Now the guards in this city have been built for grappling and using rope so he tries to grapple me and tie me up. I manage to get my hand free and cast create water on his mouth. The DM had said that a person can be considered a container. I am level 7 so that means 14 gallons of water appear in his body. He fails his fortitude save. DM takes like a minute to describe in horrifying detail the spectacle I have just created from eyes bulging to gasping and clawing for air. The man drowns in a horrifying fashion. Everyone in the inn faints. DM tells me to roll a high will save. One natural 20 later and me and the rouge player are rolling on the floor laughing our asses off at my stone faced murder. DM nerfs create water so it's effectively useless now.

TuggyNE
2013-11-20, 01:10 AM
DM nerfs create water so it's effectively useless now.

So, it works like it does in the rules now? :smalltongue: (There are no level 0 save-or-dies. Just saying.)

The_Mask_of_Ice
2013-11-20, 01:49 AM
This happened during about March, at a monthly RPG convention I attend. Here's the story:

So I joined a game which used a cyberpunk FATE mod. After we went through the long process of world, faction and character creation, my Techie named Specs (I'm not too original with names) was ready. Using a stunt, I gave him a secondary character, a fighting robot/hacker named MARU (Mobile Assault and Recon Unit). So, our party was a band of mercenaries on the way to their next job in Thailand. At about this point, a friend of mine who hadn't signed up came over to our table to watch. He asked to join, and since we didn't want to write him up a new character, we gave him control over MARU. A few minutes of IRL time later, our party was in a bar, with the "face" discussing the terms and conditions with their contractor's representative. The rest of us wandered off towards different sections to chat with the customers and maybe get some useful info. So MARU ended up with a group of stoners. They made a social attack against him (offered him a joint) and rolled pretty high. He was taken out and had to change one of his aspects (smoked the joint and got hooked), so his player changed one of them to "My H4x0ring powers run on weed." Cue him RPing MARU with a "hippie" speech pattern and doing generally stupid stuff. It was pretty funny, I guess.

AlCndnRjct
2013-11-20, 12:53 PM
So, it works like it does in the rules now? :smalltongue: (There are no level 0 save-or-dies. Just saying.)

House rules to keep me from murdering everybody in one hit. Nobody knew about the rules of conjuration at that point.

Vindcara
2013-11-21, 01:20 PM
Ok so i was DMing for a group of eight. A barbarian a fighter a druid a cleric a rouge a paladin a ranger and a wizard. All but the paladin are CN

So they come across a small elf vilage in the trees. It was just soposed to be a place to rest and get directions further into the forest. I was describing the town when one of the players asks what was in the jail. Improvising i rattled off some numbers of player races and monsters. (none of which happened to be elves.) that player then proclaimes he is taking over the city. They proceed to bluff the paladin into thinking the elves are evil the prisoners are good and they take over the city. Just after killimg off all the elves they proceed to help a bunch of halflings to kill off the other prisoners and they set themselves up as rulers of the town.

Count Nebula
2013-11-24, 07:04 AM
Hello. Been browsing both threads for a while now and decided to register to share my favourite RP moment.

Think this was about two years ago, in the first game I'd ever GM'd. Was a 3.5 evil campaign that, sadly, didn't last long due to the party leader vanishing (just a few sessions after he'd been given all the relevant plot info to lead the party in the main quest) and the rest of the players wandering off to do side-quests. The 3rd-4th level cast was as follows:

- Grant: A half-orc LE Monk, mainly made as a joke character.
- JP: A CE human sorcerer that had been marked as a child by a demon and was sworn to its will. Also slightly mad.
- Faisal: A CE halfling Rogue who wanted to set up his own evil Thieves Guild.
- Jack: A NE Changeling, and party leader.

So, the party was being contracted by an Illithid masquerading as a successful businessman in a densely-populated city to join with a merc company he had hired to break into a nobleman's heavily-fortified mansion by force, kill everyone inside and retrieve a magical artefact for it. Initially, everything was going fine; the merc company and the party had formed up outside the fortified manse and the mercs were preparing Fireball spells to take down a massive wooden gate barring passage in. That's when Grant and Faisal got a... well, strange idea into their heads:

Me: Alright, so while the merc's are making preparations to attack, what do you guys want to do?
Faisal: Hmm... how high is the gate again?
Me: It's 30 ft tall, and just as wide.
Faisal: Do you think we could climb it?
Me: Sure, if you don't have any problem with archers taking pot-shots at you the whole time.
Grant: Well, what about jumping over it? I'm a Monk, right? I can do stuff like that.
Me: You... uhh. What? You want to jump a 30 ft gate?
Grant: Nope. I have a better idea.

Upon that, he reminded me that he had a bridle in his inventory that he had purchased with his start-up gold, for reasons to date I still can't fathom (although the idea of him planning something like this all along wouldn't surprise me). Then, telling Faisal to put it on him and ride him as the lightest character in the party, Grant explained his plan to leap over the gate as an impromptu mount for Faisal. Both of them got so excited by this prospect, they decided to do it immediately, apparently forgetting a little something that I had mentioned above. Namely, that "mercs were preparing Fireball spells to take down a massive wooden gate barring passage in". After trying to repeatedly and subtly remind them of this to no avail, Faisal saddled up on Grant and charged at the gate when I also informed them that the mercs had just finished preparations and launched the fireballs. Giving them one last chance to give up on this folly... they did it anyway.

Me: You do realize that, if you don't manage this, you're both dead. Right?
Grant: Err... wait. How much damage does Fireball do again?
Me: *checks notes* Well... these specific fireballs will do 4d6 damage. So on average, I'd say about 12 damage each.
Faisal: Well, that's not so bad. We can probably tank it.
Grant: Wait, 'fireballs'? 'Each'?
Me: Yes. Five, to be precise. You two are stuck between a 30 ft wooden gate you're charging at and the 5 fireballs hurtling towards it.

At long last, it seemed the reality of the situation had finally sunk in, and I sure as hell wasn't about to let them out of it after I'd given them so many opportunities to do so already. They wanted to leap a 30 ft gate in one try or die a fiery death? Let's see them do it. To make it sporting, I told Grant the number he rolled on his d20 was how many feet he cleared.

Grant rolls a Jump check. Nat 20.
Even on a nat 20, he couldn't make that jump with a skill of 6, so I'd told him he could roll another dice and add that to his result.
Another nat 20.
Slightly flabbergasted, I tell Faisal to roll a Ride check. He's untrained (making the whole situation even more ridiculous) but hey, he might get a lucky roll.
Another nat 20.

I was in disbelief. Not only had Grant AND Faisal both cleared the fence, but Grant had done it with another 16 feet on top of that. Both attackers and defenders looked on in amazement as a huge green humanoid in a robe hurtled himself over a gate the size of a house with a halfling clinging to his back... and kept going higher even as the gate exploded into flames behind him.

They should have died from the fall damage, but I didn't have the heart. It was just too, too epic. Instead, after the battle had died down, when attackers had secured victory and the party was busy looting the mansion... they stumbled upon a masterpiece portrait (http://i.imgur.com/I2m1VxL.jpg?1) I'd had a friend of mine draw to commemorate the moment.

Faisal, the Rogue, tried to Appraise it. Rolled a nat 1, thought it looked like a piece of crap, so he tore the painting off and wore it as a cloak.
Got other stories about as good as that one, but since it's the only one I have with an image accompaniment, I thought I'd put it out there.

Dimers
2013-11-24, 03:38 PM
The picture really makes it work, Count Nebula. :smallcool:

madtinker
2013-11-25, 02:38 PM
DM: you see a group of ogres, with their chief.
Me:Charge!

Me: wait. How many ogres?

Valvert
2013-11-25, 07:23 PM
So, in a humorous game that occurred early in my High School D&D career:
I, a bard, had climbed a tree and was attempting to set it on fire while the rest of the party tried to actually progress in the quest. I had very little success. Then...
Me: I give the DM a wedgie *rolls strength check*
DM: You fail and are struck by lightning.
Me: Ooh, did the tree catch on fire?
Evidently, it didn't. Angered by my efforts, the resident druid attempted to shoot me, but shot short. I asked the rest of the party to give me some kindling. The nearby rogue reached down, picked up the arrow, and jokingly tossed it "at her boob." He rolls a twenty, and nails my bard in the boob. We all exclaimed over this excitedly, until our supervisor came over and demanded to know why we were all screaming over boobs. After we had pacified him by promising to only use "chest" from then on, it was time for revenge.
Me: I jump from the tree and cleave at him.
I do a jump check, and roll high enough to land on him. Then I roll for my attack, and get a perfect twenty. Combined with the momentum of my jump, I end up doing some serious critical damage. I decided to be nice and just cut off his ear.
In the end, the rest of the party ended up casting Sleep on us do we could actually pass the night and continue the quest.

RPGaddict28
2013-11-25, 09:08 PM
The only two important characters are Nu, the wizard(me), and Jasper, our bard.

We went to a bar owned by an ettin, filled with other "uglies." We needed to get blueprints of an airship he stole from him. The rogues and I were sneaking around in the ettin's room, while the bard and the beefy guys were drinking and talking at the bar. Eventually the ettin came out, and the bard started talking to him. The bartender eventually tells Jasper that the ettin had a bad encounter with a women, and has been depressed ever since.

Eventually, the ettin tells him exactly whats wrong, and decided to show him as well. That's when I hear a scream, which I could tell was Jasper's, and I ran out. Bye the time we got to the bar, we got to the bar, we saw Jasper vomiting, while reaching for some heavy liquor, while the ettin was pulling up his pants.

Turns out, the ettin had his manly bits stolen by a witch.

And I just remembered, this happened earlier at the bar. The only new important character is Phillius, one of our 3 rogues.

When we first got in, we all moved around the bar, as to look less suspicious when we went to the house part of the tavern. Phillius and I decided to go to a pool table, where an orc was hanging. Phillius challenged him to a pool contest, and I cheated using Mage Hands to make sure Phillius won us the 45 GP he betted. Then, we decided to challenge him to a trick shot contest, for all his money, and since he couldn't meet our bet, his clothes.

He puts a GP in the middle of the table, and ball near two pockets across from each other. He tells Phillius to put his hands on both balls, and he's gonna sink both the balls, with one shot. We quickly realize the trick was to have the ball bounce on the GP and nail Phillius in his dangly-doos. He hits the ball, and would be right on target, if Phillius didn't pass his reflex save. It's now our turn, and we set up the same trick shot, but this time, I Mage Handed the pool ball into his balls as fast as I could. We won all his money, and his clothes. Then another rogue decided to poison him, causing him to rage, and almost knocked our ranger out with a chair.

Looking back on it, that was an amazing session.

DontEatRawHagis
2013-11-25, 11:17 PM
A little background first. We are playing a campaign based on the TV show Falling Skies. Our GM has taken liberties with the storyline. In essence we know that the aliens who are conquering the planet are trying to setup a foothold on the planet in order to defeat another race of aliens.

My character's name is Sarge. In fact his initials spell out Sgt so he decided everyone should call him Sarge. Another quick fact he is an escaped mental patient. Last fact the party doesn't know this and thinks he is an actual soldier.

I have so far:

Talked for 10 minutes straight at gun point as my companions decided to take 10 to setup an ambush on the guys who had me hostage.
Found out key piece of storyline intel from an enemy NPC and told my fellow players I divined the information from the entrails of the aliens.


Our last session is Sunday and I can't wait to see if they figure this out yet. Because they gave my character something really important to do. And they blindly trust him.

Vindcara
2013-11-26, 11:30 AM
Dm: ok so sitting infront of you is a table apon Which sits a deck of cards.
Pc1: I DRAW ALL THE CARDS!
Dm: *sigh*

He actually survived because he had previosly sold his soul to a demon:smallannoyed:

Wookieetank
2013-11-26, 11:36 AM
Dm: ok so sitting infront of you is a table apon Which sits a deck of cards.
Pc1: I DRAW ALL THE CARDS!
Dm: *sigh*

He actually survived because he had previosly sold his soul to a demon:smallannoyed:

I'm jealous. I've thrown the DoMT at so many different parties and NONE of them have even drawn so much as a single card, not even in 1-shot adventures! :smallsigh:

The Random NPC
2013-11-26, 04:25 PM
I always draw an arbitrarily large amount of cards. If only to teach DMs that DoMTs eat campaigns.

MonochromeTiger
2013-11-26, 04:46 PM
I personally find it pays simply to identify what it is then convince a group of enemies to use it in a card game...

Wookieetank
2013-11-27, 11:27 AM
I always draw an arbitrarily large amount of cards. If only to teach DMs that DoMTs eat campaigns.

I'll be the first to admit that the campaigns I run are far from balanced and run more on rule of cool and fun than anything else. One time I statted up the Aliens from the Alien verse for a Dark Sun/Savage Coast campaign (involved a lot of temporal/spatial rifts, leylines and aliens of course). Even with one of my players got face huggered in the first adventure no-one was willing to draw a stinking card. :smallconfused:

AlCndnRjct
2013-11-27, 02:06 PM
It's not my story but one of my friends sent this to me. It's by Waffle House Millionaire aka, Old Man Henderson.

Here's the link: http://i.imgur.com/Dla6O.png

Dragonwriter713
2013-11-27, 02:54 PM
I have one from the from the first session of D&D 3.5 I played. Setup The party had been hired to go down into a mine and see what attacked a group of miners. Only one had managed to escape to the surface. So of course, we were expecting some nasty subterranean beings but it was something else entirely. The CharactersAreman a chaotic neutral undead Archivist/Wizard who was a mix of mummy and necropolitan. Paranoid to the point of having a hollowed out chest cavity that he used to store tiles that could be broken to heal him and contingency scrolls. Played by the Dungeon Master. Galen a neutral good human Warlock/Fighter. He was formerly a noble but his family kicked him out due to his weird powers. Has a sense of honor and justice. Cyrus Chaotic neutral Xeph rogue psion and most kill crazy member of the party. Then my character Gerard Chaotic Good human Cleric of Aasterinian, a dragon goddess. became a cleric of a draconic deity because he came from a land where dragons were common and he thought them really awesome.
The incident. We got down into the mine via elevator. Waiting for us at the bottom are three gnomes. Two had metal clubs and one with a heavily scarred face wielding a battleaxe. We figured that we'd breeze through the fight but, the dice decided to prove us wrong. none of us could score hits until I manged to hit the scarred gnome with hold person. while he's stuck we try to take care of his companions. Areman uses a summon trap spell to try to attack one only to roll a 1 on damage. Then the other one tries to attack Cyrus but fails his tumble check and manages to break his own kneecap. Eventually the two gnomes went down and then Cyrus and Galen turned their attention to the scarred gnome. they both land solid hits but he does not die. Then the gnome lets out this horrible scream done very well by the DM and starts swinging his battleaxe all over the place. He landed solid hits on Galen and Cyrus who both missed on their attacks. Then Areman botched a spell and I decided to charge the gnome with my scimitar. The gnome got his attack of opportunity and rolls a critical hit. On me, the cleric and only healer int the party. I was at negative HP and fading fast. The DM ruled the gnome pretty much gutted me. At first there was dead silence around the table, then we all burst out laughing. The sheer absurdity of my character charging, then getting gutted by a creature a size category smaller than him cracked us up. Fortunately Areman had a ice lance spell that finished off the gnome now called "nightmare gnome" by the party. Cyrus had some healing potion bars that got Gerard stable and Galen and Areman found some healing potions in some nearby supply lockers. To this day we make jokes about our party's fear of gnomes.

bryn0528
2013-11-27, 08:15 PM
My friend ran a four year long lasting 7th Sea campaign, that I joined somewhere after the first two years. He often calls on me to make one-shot NPCs to help the party out, and then they end up becoming more permanent team members. Tomas Villalobos, my current avatar, is that character, and he got up to some shenanigans.

He's burned down several buildings, mostly on accident. He once blew up a ship from the Inquisition (my bad). A returning NPC, Tiny Larry, was a genius at building mechs, and we once fought his "evil" counterpart, Petite Pierre...

One of our PCs, who later actually became the BBEG, was fighting a villain inside a sealed chamber, and to keep us out, the villain hired Petite Pierre to kill us. So we hear "hon, hon, hon" and this robot walker suit comes out and points a giant flamethrower at the party. Everyone freaks out and tries and jumps out the way and our GM just looked at me.

GM: You aren't going to try and get out of the way?
Me: No, I'm just going to stand there.
GM: ...OH! That's right, you have El Fuego Adentro. I always forget.

For those unfamiliar with 7th Sea, El Fuego Adentro is a sorcery that's almost extinct. It makes you immune to fire and gives you some control over flames. Which pretty much nerf'd his encounter at being immune to the BFG.

So Petite Pierre fires his flamethrower, which everyone dodged except for me. "Ha!" he said, thinking he got someone at least, only to have my character standing there, unharmed, with his sword now on fire. "WHAT!"

Tomas managed to get behind Petite Pierre and plunged his sword into the fuel reservoir for the flamethrower... Keeping in mind that we were in a very confined space, Tomas redirected the resulting explosion (eh, not actually part of the rules for El Fuego, but we often didn't listen to those) so that his friends wouldn't die. Well, this pretty much meant in a line that pointed straight at Tomas... which turned Petite Pierre into a rocket that nearly killed Tomas' girlfriend anyway (she jumped out of the way at the last second). Pierre hit the door of the magical space/time vault, which, for obvious reasons, was very sealed, and Petite Pierre was no more! As in, he became a very fine layer of viscera... that our friend wasn't too happy about stepping in when she came out of the room.

Doorhandle
2013-11-28, 04:51 AM
I always draw an arbitrarily large amount of cards. If only to teach DMs that DoMTs eat campaigns.

No no no, you don't use it in the middle of a campaign, you use it at the START of one!

Gives them a whole bunch of new messes to clean up!

TuggyNE
2013-11-28, 05:40 AM
No no no, you don't use it in the middle of a campaign, you use it at the START of one!

Gives them a whole bunch of new messes to clean up!

Have a bunch of villains draw from it, and whichever one survives is the BBEG.

CorwinofAmber
2013-11-28, 09:51 AM
Same campaign as above, party of 5 knight going in search of a troll that has been killing simple village folk.

After a long walk through some woods we see the troll in the distance building a fire next to a tree with 2 women tied to it.

My char "Right then, LETS DO THIS LEEEEROY JENKINS!" Throws my spear at it from about 50 feet.

DM "LOL" "Go on then roll"

Me - Rolls 14 "HIT!"

DM " Troll takes one to the shoulder"

Everyone else now runs in I'm a bit slow so it takes me an extra round to get there.

By the time i get there 2 of my party are unconscious 1 is badly injured and 1 is chatting to the women who are still tied to the tree. I lay in and get hit with my own spear when it takes it out of his shoulder. He gets a bit lucky with rolls and it knocks my sword 20 feet away and stands over me about to crush my skull.

Me " I reach for my spear and go for the nuts"

DM " Go on then bitch roll, it may be your last "

Me - Rolls 20 " Critical mother ****er " "No kids for you"

DM " Damn " "Roll for damage"

Me - Rolls 4d6 - 6654 " Erm... you dead?"

DM - Consults his books and notes, makes a few rolls " You lucky bastard "
" You drive your spear through the troll via the nuts and it comes out of its neck " Congratulations you just did all of the damage to the troll by yourself "

Me " So i get some bonuses for that right "

DM " I guess, i wanted to share this out but as no one else did anything looks like you get all the xp and gold"

Me "WHOOP WHOOP" "Guess being ballsy works out for the best"

Everyone laughs GG Mr troll :)

BWR
2013-11-28, 10:45 AM
I always draw an arbitrarily large amount of cards. If only to teach DMs that DoMTs eat campaigns.

One of my retired characters has a DoMT which he allows family to draw from when they reach adulthood. They've been surprisngly lucky, considering there are nearly two score characters who have drawn from it now, but the times bad stuff has happened it's always resulted in a fun story.

turbo164
2013-12-02, 02:04 PM
My campaign has a "Deck of Minor Things," with much milder effects like "Gain 1000 xp" or "Lose 1 Wisdom" or "one of your items becomes magical" or "Gain an irrational hatred for squirrels," etc.

The NPC who sells draws from this deck showed up during a session which happened to be the second session ever for our newest player. He and one of the veterans happened to draw the Doom card, and no one (not even the npc) knows precisely what it does.

New player's real-life kid is born before the next session and he hasn't been able to make it to any sessions since. So now the Doomed veteran is worried something similar will happen to him :smalleek:

Makeitstop
2013-12-02, 08:28 PM
My first time playing D&D had two incidents which are often referenced in my group.

The party was travelling through a field of tall grass, when it was attacked by a pack of vicious predators which we couldn't locate. I was playing an Ardent with a lot of awesome elemental damage and mobility powers, so I figured the solution was obvious.

ME: Is the grass was wet or dry?
DM: *rolls* Wet.
Me: Damn, that plan's ruined
Others: What was your plan?
Me: I was going to start a grass fire.
Others: We're standing in the grass!
Me: I can teleport... :smallbiggrin:



Which lead to the other thing.

So, I ended up using a power to level the grass in a large area and everyone rushed in so that the attacking creatures would have to move out in the open.

DM: Out of the grass comes a pack of raptors.
Player: How many raptors do I see?
DM *rolls a 7* You see seven
Player: Was that a d100?
DM: :smallamused:
Player: :smalleek:

Void Walker
2013-12-05, 09:46 AM
Hey guys, I have finally finished reading both threads, and wanted to post a few humorous stories from my first Full fledged campaign (since the others were just dungeon romps).

Cast:
DM (Jason): first time DMing, was very good at it.
Nero (Me): Half-Giant Psychic Warrior, wielded Large cold iron greataxe. Obsessed with burning things.
Elizabeth (Ove): Elan Psion, only one that had any true experience. rolled a 1d4 for gender, got a 2 (female).
Will: Gnome Sorcerer, kind of useless. meant well, but wouldn't roleplay and suffered for it.
Keer (Ethan): Human Hexblade, very good at what he did.
Odorf (Alex): Human Ranger, had a talking bow, and a shortsword that glowed pink when orcs WEREN'T around. Oh, and liked to bump uglies with animals.
Ilmig (Nick): Dwarf Cleric, would always introduce himself to everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) with "hi my name is Ilmig".
????: Kender Rogue, didn't know him very well. joined us halfway through the campaign. caused many laughs.

Background:
only ones that are important to this are Nero and Keer. we had joined a strongman competition, which involved weight lifting, boxing, and running. this is the weight lifting portion. we were up against 2 monks (one elderly and one young) and a barbarian.

Story:
so, this is the weight lifting portion. max weight limit is 500 lbs., goal was to lift the most weight while still maintaining a good "stance". The weight lifting portion consisted of 3 rounds. I was able to lift the most out of the party so i thought for sure i was going to win.

Round 1: the barbarian lifts 200 lbs. the young monk lifts 200 as well. Keer lifts 225. I lift 250. The old monk comes out, puts 300 lbs. on the bar, and then walks away, to the gaffawing of the crowd.

Round 2: barbarian lifts 275. young monk fails to lift any. Keer lifts 300. i lift 325. Old monk comes out, puts 400 lbs. on the bar, then walks away again, without attempting to lift it.

Round 3: barbarian fails to lift his 325. young monk fails as well. Keer lifts 375. I, having Powerful Build, was able to lift as a large creature. so, i lift my max carry weight, which was 475, rolling a 19 for poise. crowd is going wild, and i think i have this one in the bag.

Then, the old monk comes out.

he proceeds to put 500 POUNDS on the bar, assume a lifting stance, and heaves it above his head...

...rolling a natural 1 to lift. We play by fumble/break rules for natural ones, and normally this causes damage to whoever rolled it or anyone in the vicinity. So, this is what happened to the poor old monk:

he lifted the weights perfectly, and stands there holding the bar proudly above his head. then, the bar begins to bend. it snaps in the middle, bringing the weighted ends together, completely crushing the monk. we had to take a 15 minute break because we were laughing so hard.

needless to say i won the weight lifting portion.:smallbiggrin:

uagranger
2013-12-06, 09:39 PM
So, I got my players into shadowrun. Normally they have a bit of a crazy play style, but when they start playing this they get a bit more serious. Anyhow, there's a human shaman, human decker, elf infiltrator, human mastermind, and a troll adept. All was well and good, until the mastermind missed a session.

They were hired to steal a security officer's access badge. Simple enough, right?
They first atempt to hack into the system in order to gain entry. Well the decker winds up botching ALL his rolls. This temporarily disables him and alerts a security team which shows up in short order to take out the players.

Between the heavy hitter adept, the infiltrators marksmanship, and the shaman supporting by being a heal bot they make short work of the security team. But they still need a way inside. So the shaman suggests impersonating the security team and brininging in the troll adept for "questioning". They all agree and take off in the security teams van.

They,while wearing some very poorly fitting uniforms, bring the troll in handcuffs to the head of security who's badge they need. After some bad bluffs on the party's behalf the troll has an idea:

He bursts his restraints and grab the dudes face, diving out of a 3rd story window using him to land as one would a skateboard. "squish". The building goes into lockdown sealing everything with steel shutters. The troll runs straight through one screaming. They rest of the team fends off security until the troll returns CARRYING THE STOLEN VAN! They load in and a chase ensued. Obviously their mastermind did not approve.

Borntoolate
2013-12-08, 08:04 AM
Tonight's session, I play a (headstrong, mischievous, crossbow-obsessed) sorc. The shenanigans begin:

DM: You open the crate, contained within are some large vials... contains about 4 litres of some sort of thick fluid...
Me (cutting off DM): I Take a sip.
DM: err... ok roll fort... ok take 2 con damage.
Me: Hey guys, this stuff IS NOT EDIBLE! *pours a small amount on floor* (to wizard) set this on fire!
Before I have a chance to get away, the wizard prestidigitates a flame. The puddle ignites, the vial I'm holding goes boom, I go boom, and I make the discovery; yes, it is alchemist's fire!

Later on, after being accused of wasting a precious resource (the alchemist's fire) on myself, and pithy orcs, the thief tries to steal the two last vials

DM:(after my decent spot check) You sense the halfling is going to do something shifty
ME: *Grabs vial and holds it above my head* I found them! I Exploded! I deserve to keep one!
Thief: Come on, you're wasting a precious party resource!
Me: I'll waste it on both of us!
Thief: You wouldn't
ME: I'ma Do it!
DM: He's a Doin it!
Thief: Fine, I pull out my dagger
ME: I Warn you, I'ma doin it!
DM: He's a doin it!
Thief: *presses dagger up against my crutch* you won't do it!
Me: *Throws vial at floor*
DM: He did it. Roll reflex both of you.

Result: Nimble halfling bounces out of the way, slightly singed. Me, not so much. knocked out, but point proven; never threaten a crazy sorcerer armed with an incendiary device. Especially if he's already survived one explosion, and thus is devoid of fear.

Vindcara
2013-12-08, 07:40 PM
DM: ok the the room is completely illuminated but has no source of light...

*about a half hour later*

DM: after killing your duplicate you notice you no longer have a shadow.
PC1: well duh
PC2: can he have two shadows?
DM: no there are not vashnederada

Poe shire
2013-12-27, 11:49 PM
In D&D I played a 4' 5", level 12 dwarf fighter with 4 of my friends. We had just survived two battles with orcs when our DM says "A pale boy walks up to you and stabs you in the chest. His eyes are white and he is possessed by your god. You take 150 points of damage." So while I am sitting there thinking "WTF?!?", the DM sends my character to Hell where I have to fight my way to a mountain, on top of which there is a war hammer that does a d20x6 damage. At this point, I was thinking "holy crap!!!". My character was then restored to life. By this time, two other players left the game so Andrew and I were all that remained with the DM.

Our characters then journeyed to a dwarf city. As we entered we were met by a horde of demon-like creatures. We ran from them, and while crossing a stone bridge over lava we suddenly encountered a lava demon. Of course my character fell and landed on a mining platform. So I am cranking the winch to raise the platform up when the other player's character dies. He also had a kobold with him who escaped and found himself before a giant pit of flammable acid. At that point my character finds himself facing a demon in the form of a 12 year old boy. I attack and roll a critical success, doing 274 damage. While the demon is barely stunned by my blow, it does begin to glow because apparently the kobold dropped a torch into the acid and the demon is attracted to heat. In this form however, the demon is overwhelmed and explodes with something like a nuclear blast.

Suddenly the DM turns our characters into 11-year-olds attending fighting school. Andrew and I just sat their thinking "What is wrong with you, evil man?" That is all for now, but if you enjoyed this I will type more later.

PurpleSocks
2013-12-28, 12:23 AM
Ok so I'm running a campaign which starts out with the PC's having had there memories removed after they've been dominated by the BBEG for a while. Anyway a few sessions in and the PC's still have no idea whats happened so I decide to throw them a bone, where they meet a hag coven who are well aware of everything that's going on. The Hags ask the party to perform this innocuous task and as a reward they will answer any question the PC's can come up with, so immediately the goliath barbarian says "We can only ask one question right?".

In the next session the PC's break up a slave trading ring which is connected to the BBEG, in the final room they find a unstatted out level-X aristocrat cowering in a corner, I start to say "I'll tell you whatever you want please don't hurt me!" when the same barbarian says "I charge pick him up and break him like Bane!"

The session after the PC's who had by now formed a formal mercenary company were tasked to assassinate an Orc warlord who was uniting the tribes in the frontier lands. I had it so that the warlord had a sad backstory where he was uniting the tribes in order to defy the BBEG when he realised that the BBEG was planning to manipulate the tribes into starting a war with the nearby city to aide in his coup. Anyway they enter the warcamp with tributes and such under the guise of wanting to sign up. So they get in and sit down as guests and such, the party face starts chatting up the warlord and the rest of the party starts exhibiting serious doubts about assassinating this guy... when the party barbarian challenges the Orc to single combat.

Safe to say the campaign ended somewhat anticlimactically with the PC's unwittingly helping out the BBEG stage a coup at pretty much every opportunity.

Scow2
2013-12-28, 10:58 AM
That first question shouldn't have been answered had the party not finished the task yet.

Krobar
2013-12-29, 01:48 PM
Back in the mid 90's I was playing in a 2nd Edition game. Our party was called the Glorious Seven, even though at any given time there was anywhere from 8-12 players.

I don't remember what everybody played, but here are the characters of note:

I had a fighter who was cursed. Every time combat started, I made a saving throw. If I failed I would immediately attack the nearest creature (usually a party member).

There was a dwarf with a Dwarven Thrower - the hammer that does lots of damage when thrown and returns to your grasp. He liked to roll natural one's and hit party members with it.

There was a cavalier who would always immediately charge into battle, before anyone else could do anything.

We had a couple of archers who would immediately start shooting arrows. Sometimes one or the other would hit the cavalier in the back.

We had a mage, who was cursed - all he would ever cast is Fireball. "We need some light down this tunnel..." FIREBALL! Of course he was immune to his own fire spells (nobody else's, just his). He loved that curse.

We had an elven wildmage spellfire wielder who as always doing random BS that didn't help at all.

There were usually a couple of clerics and a paladin along as well.

Here's what happened the last time we played this party. We were about 15th level, give or take.

We went after a blue dragon. When we got to it, in its lair, the cavalier charged into combat and got shot in the back by the archers. I went berserk and attacked the paladin with a sword of sharpness, taking his leg. The dwarf threw his dwarven thrower and smacked the wildmage spellfire wielder. The blue dragon breathed lightning on us, and it hurt. Then the cursed mage cast FIREBALL centered on himself, catching all of us in it. That actually finished off the wildmage spellfire wielder, and he exploded for lots of d6. He took all of us with him. He brought the entire complex down, crushing the dragon.

We still laugh about how that campaign ended.

Ionbound
2013-12-30, 07:20 PM
I forgot about this one, but this is probably one of the funniest moment's I've ever had in an RPG.

I'm play the Persona M&M campaign that my avatar is from, and this character's whole thing is that she's actually slowly in the process of being possessed by her Shadow (spoilered for the convenience of my fellow players), and so she transforms into her Persona, rather than just summoning it. As a consequence of this, at the start she was extremely melee focused, and of course we start fighting this other dude with a wind-based Persona, and of course he can fly. So I'm kinda up the creek without a paddle, until the DM says this guys is hovering near the top of a building. So I get the brilliant idea to climb up this building, using the enhanced strength I get from the Battle Form power I'm using. So I have like 20 Str at this point, and so I start climbing this building. My very first climb check is a 3 or something. So, to all the other people, they see this Japanese girl transform into a monster, and then immediately start climbing and then fall off this building.

Darkon47
2014-01-08, 09:37 PM
This thread got me to sign up so I could relate some stories to you good folk.

About a year ago now I played in a game with a much lower level of average optimization than I am used to, I was one of the most experienced players of the group, and so as not to break the game, I decided to optimize for silly after DM permission. I ended up with a Spellscale Dragon-bloodline warlock, using a rework from here on the forums. The character was decidedly insane (mentally) and had something along the lines of a +30 on bluff, but a -4 on sense motive. This character introduced themselves as magic, being both a spellscale and a warlock, it was pretty close to true as well, and after the first night at the bar, EVERYONE was believing it, including the character themselves. The party had just been hired to try and catch the pixies that were raiding the taverns supply of signature ale - The Orc Swill. Slightly drowsy Magic takes a bit of the swill before climbing up onto the ceiling for their watch (24hr spiderwalk is nice). A bit later and now completely wasted Magic heads out of the back room and into the main area of the tavern, and the barkeep who hired us is now oddly missing. A wasted regular calls out to Magic, who is currently behind the bar, asking "hey Tim, you look different, you get a haircut or something? also, can I get another?". Magic, being as completely wasted as they are gets the regular a beer, and replies with "just lost a bit of weight is all" and rolls a bluff check to convince the patron that they are infact Tim, succeeding massively with something above a 40. However, the DM says that because of how drunk Magic currently is, they should roll a sense motive against their own lie, albeit with a +20. It is a 1. Magic is now certain that they are in fact Tim, while also being Magic. The real Tim gets back in a few hours and asks what Magic was doing back there. Instead of leaving or doing anything of the sort, Magic proceeds to get defensive, claiming that this is their bar, and there is no reason they shouldn't be back there. One successful bluff later and the real Tim thinks that he is in fact an imposter, and Magic is the real owner of the bar, and the real Tim.


Player name in this one changed for confidentiality.
This story is of one epic campaign that I ran which lasted several years, going for about 6 hours a night, nearly every Friday night. The campaign was supposed to be a three parter, played by a good party in the first part, an evil party in the second, and after a fight for the two out of three MacGuffins that they had obtained in their respective parts, the victorious party in the third. The first part involved obtaining the crystallized essence of an overdeity, after a lot of shenanigans in the main city they encountered, where everyone was revived upon death at the end of the day, and human was in fact, the core ingredient of the local cuisine (This is the GOOD side!) the party had finalized on a roguish archer, the hivemind obsessed werewolf, The clericzilla of Jozan - Isus, and the linguist wizard who cast using the words of power system. At some point in the dungeon,the wizard was struck with temporary insanity, and before the party had the good sense to gag him, it was rolled that he would babble in a random language. As every linguist wizard should, he knew every language named in the books and still had several left over, so he had been given the ability to learn both Dark speech and True Speech, though he could not speak them normally. It was decided that the language was going to be rolled, with a weighting against dark or true speech. he ended up babbling in dark speech, and was randomly determined to create a hivemind. He was allowed to chose the type, and he chose moon rats, a type of rat from one of the monster manuals which is a normal rat during the new moon, but becomes smarter than an average human during the full moon. They can also induct other rats into becoming moon rats if the moon is full. After checking my lunar chart for the werewolf, I determined that the moon was currently new, and so could affect the currently normal moon rats. The rest of the campaign proceeded mostly fine, and we proceeded onto the second part without major incident.

The second part also proceeded mostly without incident, although the player of the wizard had left our group due to real life concerns, and another player had joined us. After a TPK or two before even entering the dungeon due to the party doing extremely stupid things (One does not attack a city known to be under the protection of a deity, and then use a fear effect on the Threat Assessment official and expect to survive), the final party managed to make it through the second part by the skin of their teeth. They take the MacGuffin and proceed to head out of the dungeon. It is at this point that the scheduled apocalypse begins to occur. Each of the MacGuffins is the essence of the god whose body makes up the continent that they are on, and with the essence of the Serpent, source of magic, having been taken, magic started to go haywire in that region. In an effort to prevent this from happening to the dragon god IO, reigns of dragons began to descend upon the other continents in an effort to hunt down any and all adventurers. The evil party attempts to teleport away, but due to the current mess, cant actually choose their target, and so rolls it randomly. using 2d100 for the coordinates, and no fudging of the dice or the map, they teleport almost exactly to the center of the main city of the first part, one day before the next full moon. I had been doing the math for the hivemind behind the scenes for a while, and last full moon the hive mind had just managed to finish inducting the rest of the cities rats. The next day the hivemind awoke, with the full force of a hivemind of over 100,000 moon rats. I had given the party a couple of options to eliminate the rat swarm before it was too late, but they had never taken the option. It was at this point that the swarm, which had an effective sorcerer level of about 2,000 decided to counter the draconic apocalypse with their own. After calming down from hysterical laughter, one of the players decided to call the wizard. He put on as straight a face as he could, and called the wizard. "John you Bastard. You've Killed us all" He says menacingly into the phone, before anything else. That campaign ended that night, in a way none of us could have predicted, and that all of us thought was hysterical.

I have many more, but those are tales for another day. For those of you who read them, thank you for your time, and for those of you who enjoyed them and are okay with online games, send me a PM, I might have a game you could join.

Edit: Formatting

turbo164
2014-01-08, 10:27 PM
This thread got me to sign up so I could relate some stories to you good folk.

About a year ago now I played in a game with a much lower level of average optimization than I am used to, I was one of the most experienced players of the group, and so as not to break the game, I decided to optimize for silly after DM permission. I ended up with a Spellscale Dragon-bloodline warlock, using a rework from here on the forums. The character was decidedly insane (mentally) and had something along the lines of a +30 on bluff, but a -4 on sense motive. This character introduced themselves as magic, being both a spellscale and a warlock, it was pretty close to true as well, and after the first night at the bar, EVERYONE was believing it, including the character themselves. The party had just been hired to try and catch the pixies that were raiding the taverns supply of signature ale - The Orc Swill. Slightly drowsy Magic takes a bit of the swill before climbing up onto the ceiling for their watch (24hr spiderwalk is nice). A bit later and now completely wasted Magic heads out of the back room and into the main area of the tavern, and the barkeep who hired us is now oddly missing. A wasted regular calls out to Magic, who is currently behind the bar, asking "hey Tim, you look different, you get a haircut or something? also, can I get another?". Magic, being as completely wasted as they are gets the regular a beer, and replies with "just lost a bit of weight is all" and rolls a bluff check to convince the patron that they are infact Tim, succeeding massively with something above a 40. However, the DM says that because of how drunk Magic currently is, they should roll a sense motive against their own lie, albeit with a +20. It is a 1. Magic is now certain that they are in fact Tim, while also being Magic. The real Tim gets back in a few hours and asks what Magic was doing back there. Instead of leaving or doing anything of the sort, Magic proceeds to get defensive, claiming that this is their bar, and there is no reason they shouldn't be back there. One successful bluff later and the real Tim thinks that he is in fact an imposter, and Magic is the real owner of the bar, and the real Tim.


Player name in this one changed for confidentiality.
This story is of one epic campaign that I ran which lasted several years, going for about 6 hours a night, nearly every Friday night. The campaign was supposed to be a three parter, played by a good party in the first part, an evil party in the second, and after a fight for the two out of three MacGuffins that they had obtained in their respective parts, the victorious party in the third. The first part involved obtaining the crystallized essence of an overdeity, after a lot of shenanigans in the main city they encountered, where everyone was revived upon death at the end of the day, and human was in fact, the core ingredient of the local cuisine (This is the GOOD side!) the party had finalized on a roguish archer, the hivemind obsessed werewolf, The clericzilla of Jozan - Isus, and the linguist wizard who cast using the words of power system. At some point in the dungeon,the wizard was struck with temporary insanity, and before the party had the good sense to gag him, it was rolled that he would babble in a random language. As every linguist wizard should, he knew every language named in the books and still had several left over, so he had been given the ability to learn both Dark speech and True Speech, though he could not speak them normally. It was decided that the language was going to be rolled, with a weighting against dark or true speech. he ended up babbling in dark speech, and was randomly determined to create a hivemind. He was allowed to chose the type, and he chose moon rats, a type of rat from one of the monster manuals which is a normal rat during the new moon, but becomes smarter than an average human during the full moon. They can also induct other rats into becoming moon rats if the moon is full. After checking my lunar chart for the werewolf, I determined that the moon was currently new, and so could affect the currently normal moon rats. The rest of the campaign proceeded mostly fine, and we proceeded onto the second part without major incident. The second part also proceeded mostly without incident, although the player of the wizard had left our group due to real life concerns, and another player had joined us. After a TPK or two before even entering the dungeon due to the party doing extremely stupid things (One does not attack a city known to be under the protection of a deity, and then use a fear effect on the Threat Assessment official and expect to survive), the final party managed to make it through the second part by the skin of their teeth. They take the MacGuffin and proceed to head out of the dungeon. It is at this point that the scheduled apocalypse begins to occur. Each of the MacGuffins is the essence of the god whose body makes up the continent that they are on, and with the essence of the Serpent, source of magic, having been taken, magic started to go haywire in that region. In an effort to prevent this from happening to the dragon god IO, reigns of dragons began to descend upon the other continents in an effort to hunt down any and all adventurers. The evil party attempts to teleport away, but due to the current mess, cant actually choose their target, and so rolls it randomly. using 2d100 for the coordinates, and no fudging of the dice or the map, they teleport almost exactly to the center of the main city of the first part, one day before the next full moon. I had been doing the math for the hivemind behind the scenes for a while, and last full moon the hive mind had just managed to finish inducting the rest of the cities rats. The next day the hivemind awoke, with the full force of a hivemind of over 100,000 moon rats. I had given the party a couple of options to eliminate the rat swarm before it was too late, but they had never taken the option. It was at this point that the swarm, which had an effective sorcerer level of about 2,000 decided to counter the draconic apocalypse with their own. After calming down from hysterical laughter, one of the players decided to call the wizard. He put on as straight a face as he could, and called the wizard. "John you Bastard. You've Killed us all" He says menacingly into the phone, before anything else. That campaign ended that night, in a way none of us could have predicted, and that all of us thought was hysterical.

I have many more, but those are tales for another day. For those of you who read them, thank you for your time, and for those of you who enjoyed them and are okay with online games, send me a PM, I might have a game you could join.

Welcome to the forum! Loved that second one :smallbiggrin: (Would be a bit easier to read if split into more than one paragraph though!)

*runs off to check lunar charts*

The Random NPC
2014-01-08, 11:57 PM
This thread got me to sign up so I could relate some stories to you good folk.

About a year ago now I played in a game with a much lower level of average optimization than I am used to, I was one of the most experienced players of the group, and so as not to break the game, I decided to optimize for silly after DM permission. I ended up with a Spellscale Dragon-bloodline warlock, using a rework from here on the forums. The character was decidedly insane (mentally) and had something along the lines of a +30 on bluff, but a -4 on sense motive. This character introduced themselves as magic, being both a spellscale and a warlock, it was pretty close to true as well, and after the first night at the bar, EVERYONE was believing it, including the character themselves. The party had just been hired to try and catch the pixies that were raiding the taverns supply of signature ale - The Orc Swill. Slightly drowsy Magic takes a bit of the swill before climbing up onto the ceiling for their watch (24hr spiderwalk is nice). A bit later and now completely wasted Magic heads out of the back room and into the main area of the tavern, and the barkeep who hired us is now oddly missing. A wasted regular calls out to Magic, who is currently behind the bar, asking "hey Tim, you look different, you get a haircut or something? also, can I get another?". Magic, being as completely wasted as they are gets the regular a beer, and replies with "just lost a bit of weight is all" and rolls a bluff check to convince the patron that they are infact Tim, succeeding massively with something above a 40. However, the DM says that because of how drunk Magic currently is, they should roll a sense motive against their own lie, albeit with a +20. It is a 1. Magic is now certain that they are in fact Tim, while also being Magic. The real Tim gets back in a few hours and asks what Magic was doing back there. Instead of leaving or doing anything of the sort, Magic proceeds to get defensive, claiming that this is their bar, and there is no reason they shouldn't be back there. One successful bluff later and the real Tim thinks that he is in fact an imposter, and Magic is the real owner of the bar, and the real Tim.


Player name in this one changed for confidentiality.
This story is of one epic campaign that I ran which lasted several years, going for about 6 hours a night, nearly every Friday night. The campaign was supposed to be a three parter, played by a good party in the first part, an evil party in the second, and after a fight for the two out of three MacGuffins that they had obtained in their respective parts, the victorious party in the third. The first part involved obtaining the crystallized essence of an overdeity, after a lot of shenanigans in the main city they encountered, where everyone was revived upon death at the end of the day, and human was in fact, the core ingredient of the local cuisine (This is the GOOD side!) the party had finalized on a roguish archer, the hivemind obsessed werewolf, The clericzilla of Jozan - Isus, and the linguist wizard who cast using the words of power system. At some point in the dungeon,the wizard was struck with temporary insanity, and before the party had the good sense to gag him, it was rolled that he would babble in a random language. As every linguist wizard should, he knew every language named in the books and still had several left over, so he had been given the ability to learn both Dark speech and True Speech, though he could not speak them normally. It was decided that the language was going to be rolled, with a weighting against dark or true speech. he ended up babbling in dark speech, and was randomly determined to create a hivemind. He was allowed to chose the type, and he chose moon rats, a type of rat from one of the monster manuals which is a normal rat during the new moon, but becomes smarter than an average human during the full moon. They can also induct other rats into becoming moon rats if the moon is full. After checking my lunar chart for the werewolf, I determined that the moon was currently new, and so could affect the currently normal moon rats. The rest of the campaign proceeded mostly fine, and we proceeded onto the second part without major incident. The second part also proceeded mostly without incident, although the player of the wizard had left our group due to real life concerns, and another player had joined us. After a TPK or two before even entering the dungeon due to the party doing extremely stupid things (One does not attack a city known to be under the protection of a deity, and then use a fear effect on the Threat Assessment official and expect to survive), the final party managed to make it through the second part by the skin of their teeth. They take the MacGuffin and proceed to head out of the dungeon. It is at this point that the scheduled apocalypse begins to occur. Each of the MacGuffins is the essence of the god whose body makes up the continent that they are on, and with the essence of the Serpent, source of magic, having been taken, magic started to go haywire in that region. In an effort to prevent this from happening to the dragon god IO, reigns of dragons began to descend upon the other continents in an effort to hunt down any and all adventurers. The evil party attempts to teleport away, but due to the current mess, cant actually choose their target, and so rolls it randomly. using 2d100 for the coordinates, and no fudging of the dice or the map, they teleport almost exactly to the center of the main city of the first part, one day before the next full moon. I had been doing the math for the hivemind behind the scenes for a while, and last full moon the hive mind had just managed to finish inducting the rest of the cities rats. The next day the hivemind awoke, with the full force of a hivemind of over 100,000 moon rats. I had given the party a couple of options to eliminate the rat swarm before it was too late, but they had never taken the option. It was at this point that the swarm, which had an effective sorcerer level of about 2,000 decided to counter the draconic apocalypse with their own. After calming down from hysterical laughter, one of the players decided to call the wizard. He put on as straight a face as he could, and called the wizard. "John you Bastard. You've Killed us all" He says menacingly into the phone, before anything else. That campaign ended that night, in a way none of us could have predicted, and that all of us thought was hysterical.

I have many more, but those are tales for another day. For those of you who read them, thank you for your time, and for those of you who enjoyed them and are okay with online games, send me a PM, I might have a game you could join.

Great stories, but you know bluff doesn't work that way, right?

ElenionAncalima
2014-01-09, 03:55 PM
So, we are playing Murder in Baldur's Gate


We had been asked to investigate a textile merchant in the Wide. We decided we wanted to investigate his stand covertly, so we sent Steve the rouge to pretend to be a customer.

He goes over an plays the role incredibly convincingly. He starts asking the shopkeeper for his best fabrics and about the manufacturing process. He even asks to try this shirt on. He gets so into it, that he basically forgets the investigation and becomes obsessed with the shirt. He gets a natural 20 to haggle the merchant down and buys a nobleman's shirt at a steal.

After this, Steve bragging about his shirt and how good he looks in it starts to become a running joke. He even asked a person we were interrogating if she liked it.

About an 40 mins later, our DM is reading ahead in the campaign and burst out laughing...which is never a good sign. He informs Steve that he notices a new ordinance has been posted. He reads:

"To preserve the decency of citizens and promote the general weal, all citizens of Baldur's Gate must attire themselves in a manner befitting their station. Furs, silks, damask, velvet, samite, and satin are forbidden to all but those numbered among the patriars...Those who violate these terms are subject to fines or imprisonment."

Steve: "Aw, come on"

Darkon47
2014-01-09, 03:57 PM
Great stories, but you know bluff doesn't work that way, right?

Bluff checks are used to convince people of the truth of your statement, the character who was doing the bluff check should not be subject to it normally as they already know it is a lie, the DM ruled however that as the character was insane, wasted, and had a 1 wisdom at the time, that they should roll against their own bluff, made sense to everyone, and we did not see any RAW statement that would contradict that. It is also worth mentioning that the barkeep Tim was a half-orc who had a 3 for his int.

In other funny stories, a gestalt game I was in a few years back had a drunken fist monk/rogue/improvised weapon master by the name of Remy Two Fists (Because where he comes from, that's saying something), he was nicknamed the shoveler due to his favorite weapon being an adamantine shovel he had managed to "acquire". He was nearly renamed Remy One-eye after an unfortunate incident with an opponent with a thing for organ collection, where his left eye was taken, and replaced with an ever-burning candle. It took us a while to realize that he was now a WoW kobold, without anyone having any plan of this occurring.

Scow2
2014-01-09, 04:22 PM
So, we are playing Murder in Baldur's Gate
And now it's up to your party to defend the rogue, and rebel against the unlawful authority that has banished style from the backs of honest adventurers. Do not give in to the injustices of the patriarchy!

The Random NPC
2014-01-09, 05:01 PM
Bluff checks are used to convince people of the truth of your statement, the character who was doing the bluff check should not be subject to it normally as they already know it is a lie, the DM ruled however that as the character was insane, wasted, and had a 1 wisdom at the time, that they should roll against their own bluff, made sense to everyone, and we did not see any RAW statement that would contradict that. It is also worth mentioning that the barkeep Tim was a half-orc who had a 3 for his int.

In other funny stories, a gestalt game I was in a few years back had a drunken fist monk/rogue/improvised weapon master by the name of Remy Two Fists (Because where he comes from, that's saying something), he was nicknamed the shoveler due to his favorite weapon being an adamantine shovel he had managed to "acquire". He was nearly renamed Remy One-eye after an unfortunate incident with an opponent with a thing for organ collection, where his left eye was taken, and replaced with an ever-burning candle. It took us a while to realize that he was now a WoW kobold, without anyone having any plan of this occurring.

To put it simply, Tim the barkeep would not have been convinced that he was an imposter, because he has proof that he isn't. Unless you convince him that magic removed his memories or something.

Wookieetank
2014-01-09, 05:05 PM
To put it simply, Tim the barkeep would not have been convinced that he was an imposter, because he has proof that he isn't. Unless you convince him that magic removed his memories or something.

I dunno, seems that an insane mage could pull that off: "You have memories of being Tim and Tim ID? I did that with my magic to make you THINK you were Tim. You're actually Bob and will forgot about having ever been Tim once the spell wears off."

I'd let it fly as a DM. :smallsmile:

Ionbound
2014-01-09, 06:56 PM
To put it simply, Tim the barkeep would not have been convinced that he was an imposter, because he has proof that he isn't. Unless you convince him that magic removed his memories or something.

The really cool thing about bluff though, is that IIRC, if you roll high enough, nothing else matters. It's why Haley was able to convince that guard he had been polymophed in that comic a while ago (can't remember the exact number, and can't be bothered to look)

Scow2
2014-01-10, 12:37 AM
The really cool thing about bluff though, is that IIRC, if you roll high enough, nothing else matters. It's why Haley was able to convince that guard he had been polymophed in that comic a while ago (can't remember the exact number, and can't be bothered to look)That comic was a violation of RAW and RAI, intentionally making the skill out to be absurd for comedic effect.

Gabe the Bard
2014-01-10, 12:47 AM
Bluff is always up to the DM and what makes for a good story. I saw a wizard bluff a chimera into believing he was his long lost human brother who had been polymorphed into a chimera. Then he polymorphed the chimera into an actual human and they lived happily ever after.

Lord Raziere
2014-01-10, 12:58 AM
That comic was a violation of RAW and RAI, intentionally making the skill out to be absurd for comedic effect.

but not RAA. (Read As Awesome, where you read it in the most awesome possible way). or in this case RAF (Read As Funny)

Dundee15
2014-01-10, 01:16 AM
The Cast:
Alex (Male Human Rogue, Skill Monkey, Merc)
Gar (Male Dwarf Fighter, leader/plan guy, Merc)
Belle (Female Elf Ranger, 2nd in command, Merc)
Sir Gant (Male Human Paladin, thinks he's in command)
Becca (Female Human Cleric (12 year old character), team mascot)

Ward (Male Human Wizard, 'Ladies Man', Scholar)

The party was traveling through a forest with a religious artifact for Sir Gant and Becca's church when they were attacked by bandits that were trying to steal it. After the battle they noticed that the wagon that was holding their food and other traveling supplies had been robbed and they didn't have enough to make it to the next town. So Gant tries to hunt for food, and fails miserably. Belle takes over and gets a few rabbits for dinner. With some lucky rolls they are able to skin the rabbits and make 3 water skins. The second order of business was to get some fresh water as they could hunt on the way, so Belle ends up finding a spring. The party then spends the next 3 minutes arguing if it's safe to drink or not. So Gant gets annoyed and shoves Alex into the spring. (DM rolled on a random effect chart he had) After coming up for air he notices that he feels a bit different and the rest of the party bursts out in laughter. Becca tries to dispel the effect but DM ruled that it needed to be cured with a potion so Alex(is), Belle, and Becca drink out of the fountain while Gar and Gant look for other sources of water.


(in the next session) After arriving at the next town in their journey, the party splits up to take care of business and introduce another member to the party. Alexis goes off in search for somebody who can cure him, Gar and Belle shop for supplies, and Gant and Becca stop at the local church to pay their respects and offer assistance. At the church they learn that the wizard at the end of town needs help with something and would be willing to assist anyone who would help him however he could. Gant and Becca head out to the wizard's hut and find Ward. He offers his services to the party if they help him 'take care of' some problems in a cave to the north of town. Apparently he's been using it as a lab for testing spells and what-not when some monsters (can't remember what) took it over. Gant agrees (for the party without the full party being there) and rushes off... at dusk. The rest of the party meets back at the inn and rests the night. Alexis wasn't able to find anyone who could cure him. The next morning Becca takes the group to meet Ward and Gar decides that it would be best to go get Gant before he gets himself killed. Ward's player asks about Belle and Alexis and then has Ward start hitting on the two of them, much to Alexis' displeasure. The party gets to the cave to find Gant hanging upside down from a tree halfway to the cave. They undo the rope and go inside, clear out the monsters and recover Ward's books and then they go on their way.

I'll post part 2 when i'm not falling asleep

The Random NPC
2014-01-10, 04:04 AM
I dunno, seems that an insane mage could pull that off: "You have memories of being Tim and Tim ID? I did that with my magic to make you THINK you were Tim. You're actually Bob and will forgot about having ever been Tim once the spell wears off."

I'd let it fly as a DM. :smallsmile:

You misunderstand, that is totally doable, you just need to justify the lie to make it plausible, otherwise all you get is six seconds of bewildered staring.


The really cool thing about bluff though, is that IIRC, if you roll high enough, nothing else matters. It's why Haley was able to convince that guard he had been polymophed in that comic a while ago (can't remember the exact number, and can't be bothered to look)

Like Scow2 said, that was a joke that breaks the rules.

Ionbound
2014-01-10, 08:47 AM
http://sharpenyourgame.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/bluff-modifiers.jpg?w=300&h=132

Note the "The lie is impossible" section. This is RAW that if you can pass a bluff check at a -20 penalty, you can make someone believe something that is impossible. Like, say, they are polymorphed into a chinchilla, even if they aren't. Or just about anything else.

The Random NPC
2014-01-10, 12:46 PM
http://sharpenyourgame.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/bluff-modifiers.jpg?w=300&h=132

Note the "The lie is impossible" section. This is RAW that if you can pass a bluff check at a -20 penalty, you can make someone believe something that is impossible. Like, say, they are polymorphed into a chinchilla, even if they aren't. Or just about anything else.


A successful Bluff check indicates that the target reacts as you wish, at least for a short time (usually 1 round or less) or believes something that you want it to believe. Bluff, however, is not a suggestion spell.

Note the first and last part of the quoted section. I realize that it says that your target believes something you want it to believe, but without something to make the lie plausible, the target just believes that you believe what you're saying. I will point out that it is incredibility easy to make a plausible lie, really all you have to do is preface everything with, "a wizard got angry and...".

Red Fel
2014-01-10, 01:05 PM
Except the regular Bluff description is contradicted by the Epic Bluff description (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/epic/skills.htm#bluff):

Example Circumstance: Instill suggestion in target
Sense Motive Modifier: +50

Instill Suggestion in Target

This is identical to the effect of the suggestion spell, except that it is nonmagical and lasts for only 10 minutes. It can be sensed as if it were an enchantment effect (Sense Motive DC 25).

Yes. An awesome enough Bluff can in fact brainwash the subject.

The Random NPC
2014-01-10, 04:45 PM
Except the regular Bluff description is contradicted by the Epic Bluff description (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/epic/skills.htm#bluff):


Yes. An awesome enough Bluff can in fact brainwash the subject.

I was discounting Epic skill checks, but even still, the warlock got "something above a 40", which indicates that it's less than 50. Even if the check was greater than 51, the suggestion only lasts for 10 minutes, after which Tim the Barkeep would come back and reclaim his bar.

TheHoodedTeddy
2014-01-14, 06:36 AM
1e dnd.
My first ever campaign.
Cast:
Me: a gnome fighter illusionist
A paladin
The rest aren't that important to the story.

At 2nd level, we had to liberate a town from a Zombie lord and his horde of zombies. He has two powers that were giving us problems; his ability to see through the eyes of the zombies, and his ability to once a day, touch someone and turn them into a zombie, with no save. I was just fighting my way through all the encounters, and when we had to get in the walled portion of the town, I had an realization. He didn't know I was an illusionist. I also had an idea to get him to waste his ability. I sent, right through the front gates, an illusion of a hogh level Paladin with a Holy avenger's sword, yelling a battlecry. He bought it. He jumped down from his perch (gracefully for a dead guy). And, eager to add a high level unholy paladin zombie thing to his army, used his touch of zombification. It , naturally, Didn't work he then crit failed his next 3 disbeleive checks, and the dm said that it was so real to him, he was actually hacked to pieces and before he was, panicked and called the horde out from hiding before he was dispatched, and with his demise became just mindless drones ( the kind that just stands there drooling, as opposed to the norm for zombies). So yes:
I beat my first BBEG with an illusionary Leeroy Jenkins.

illyahr
2014-01-14, 10:32 AM
I beat my first BBEG with an illusionary Leeroy Jenkins.

Well played, sir. :smallbiggrin:

TheHoodedTeddy
2014-01-15, 12:47 PM
I feel I should have put this at the end:
:cool: Deal with it.
My new signature \/ V \/

Dunsparce
2014-01-28, 01:38 PM
One time in one of my groups we were searching a villain's personal study. We didn't roll very well and found a book called "A Brief History of Limes". It obviously had no use to us.

Over a year later(IRL, not in-game) we were in a different villain's library, and our cleric rolled badly and thus found "An Extended History of Limes, Volumes I-XVI".

Artemicion
2014-01-29, 10:33 AM
The players were exploring the Dreamrealm, a home brewed version of the demi plane of dream. Suddenly they decided they did not want to follow the plot hook I had provided, but instead wanted to explore the dream of the most powerful being around.

I had once decided that one of the most powerful beings in the Dreamrealm was the Queen Ridiculous, an enormous, completely crazy demi-god who praised herself as the Queen of the land (somewhat inspired by the Queen of Hearts). So of course their research brought the PCs directly into her domain.

I will not go into too many details, as my memories of the evening a somehow hazy (this was pure improvisation), but here is a summary of one the funniest and most creative game session I ever had.

The PCs (a mute mime, a dwarf barbarian with hygiene issues and a vampire cat who had complete control over her cage holder) quickly realised that the only way to flee the chaotic, crazy domain of the Queen Ridiculous (where grass screamed when walked upon, mushrooms spit in your face if you were not polite and peeing ladies claimed to be teapots) was to gain the permission by the Queen. However, they had made the Queen very angry when they refused to wear the hat she was handing them, given that wearing a hat was punishable by death, so they decided that they needed to intimidate her to get the permission.

After talking to everyone and everything, the PCs learned that there was a great rivalry between brick and clay tiles, the bricks being tired of always being the ones supporting the clay tiles. With a few good diplomacy rolls, they were able to convince the bricks of the Queen's castle to revolt against her rule and enter war against the clay tiles of the castle. They basically stole all the bricks from the castle and built one of their own, leaving the poor Queen with nothing but clay tiles.

She finally agreed to give them permission to leave and even let them ride her hydravion (a huge hot air balloon that was made of a bloated hydra that the queen had temporarily filled with hot air by blowing through its nose).

turbo164
2014-01-29, 02:52 PM
(Dreamworld story)

Haha, I feel like I need to roll a Will save after reading that! Sounded fun :smallsmile:

The following is a lesson in misscommunication:

DM: As you search the room, a few of you think that the back wall looks like an illusion.
Ranger: I step through!
DM: *rolls dice* Make a Fort save
Ranger: *low number*
DM: You see a wave of fire and a splash of acid coming at your face, and then, blackness.
Ranger: I STEP BACK! Do I see anything?
DM: Nope, still nothing.
Teammate: Are you ok, Ranger?
Ranger: *to DM* I'm not on fire or anything am I?
DM: No, you're not on fire...
Ranger: Yeah, I'm fine! *pantomimes brushing dust off of sleeves*
Teammate: ...
Other teammates: ...
DM: ...
Ranger: What?
DM: Maybe I'm being too subtle here. You saw fire and acid coming at your face, then failed a fort save, then saw "blackness" and "nothing." YOU ARE BLIND.
Ranger: *pantomimes brushing dust off other sleeve* Wait a minute, where's...HOLY CRAP I'M BLIND! :smalleek:

Later when the Dwarf was in another room and failed his listen check to notice the battle occurring with the rest of the group, the Ranger teased him when he FINALLY got there...

"Hey, it took him less time to notice a fight going on than it took you to notice you were BLIND!"

The grand finale was when the enemy forces were reduced to a single, severely injured flying monster. The Dragon Shaman decided that rather than toss a javelin, he'd pick up the (archer) ranger and aim him at the monster.

DM: All right, um, guess we'll have you make an attack roll to see how well you aim him, and add or subtract from his roll accordingly.
Shaman: *rolls low*
DM: Eh we'll call that a -4 I guess. *rolls concealment three times* well one of your arrows makes it through the blindness, now make your roll with the penalty
Ranger: *natural 20* *confirmed* *almost max damage*
DM: ...Alrighty, the blind archer manages to pin the final Quasit to the ceiling.
Shaman: I knew that would work better than a javelin! :smallbiggrin:

veti
2014-01-29, 05:06 PM
This is what follows when you insert a homebrewed critical and hit location system into D&D:

DM: "OK, so the blade trap took your legs off, your right arm is broken, and with your left arm you're clinging on for dear life to the rail above your head. The revenant stands over you, glowering. What do you do?"

Paladin: "Bite it!"

DM: "OK, you've got a Bite - I mean, Smite - Evil attempt left, wanna use that?"

Paladin: "Absolutely!" (rolls dice) "Nat 20!"

DM: "Critical, nice going. Roll for location, and given your position best reroll anything above the waist."

Paladin: "Ouch, groin shot!"

Other player: "Wait a minute, didn't that guy with the axe knock the paladin's teeth out?"

Paladin: "..."

DM: "... Good point."

DM: "The revenant looks surprised, but not displeased."

DM: "The paladin may have acquired a new nickname."

The Glyphstone
2014-01-29, 05:33 PM
Wouldn't he have been displeased (and in great pain) when the Smite Evil damage hit? Or did Rule of Funny take over and prevent the Smite from taking effect?

veti
2014-01-29, 05:49 PM
Wouldn't he have been displeased (and in great pain) when the Smite Evil damage hit? Or did Rule of Funny take over and prevent the Smite from taking effect?

I guess that's open for speculation.

My speculation is that (the DM decided then and there) - undead monstrosities are kinky that way.

Mono Vertigo
2014-01-30, 04:59 AM
... that hit system reminds me of Dwarf Fortress, is it intentional? If it is, I'm not surprised, anything coming from Dwarf Fortress lends itself to fun shenanigans.

veti
2014-01-30, 06:17 AM
... that hit system reminds me of Dwarf Fortress, is it intentional? If it is, I'm not surprised, anything coming from Dwarf Fortress lends itself to fun shenanigans.

Nah, this is an ooooold story - this session was played long, long before Dwarf Fortress came out.

illyahr
2014-01-30, 01:25 PM
Wouldn't he have been displeased (and in great pain) when the Smite Evil damage hit? Or did Rule of Funny take over and prevent the Smite from taking effect?

Need teeth to make a Bite attack. I'm guessing a Gum attack counts as an unarmed strike and does nonlethal damage. :smallbiggrin:

Fumble Jack
2014-01-30, 01:26 PM
I have a few stories, some D&D, some not.

1. My first Ad&d game experience, I was playing an Elven fighter, there was a cleric, a wizard and another pc whose class I forget atm. So as the game progresses the party manages to find itself trapped in a room. Doors slam shut on us and we have to search the room for a way out.

Cleric: Everyone use your heads on this one.

I figure I'll search the walls for anything unusual. The DM has me roll int and I botch it, and thus take the cleric's advice literally. DM has me roll for damage, I crit and roll max damage. Turns out, that I do find the mechanism that gets us out, I just managed to bludgeon myself to death, with a headbutt to the wall in the process.

2. Same game, just about an hour later, another player, our wizard, does not realize what wedged means. He ends up turning into an arcane pancake as he successfully pulls out a staff holding the ceiling from crashing into the floor.

3. 3.0 I'm the DM this time around, and there are 2 incidents that occur both due to one player being new to d&d and the other because another player is a our groups' token jerk.

1st one: our newbie and group jerk we're playing a Shugenja and Cleric respectively, and the first thing asked of them by the town was to clear up some monsters that had been seen near town.

The monsters we're just zombies, shambling about and I was giving description of their rotted look and shambling gait. The Shugenja (newbie) thinks they are simply diseased villagers and tries to strike a conversation with them and convince them, they must be cured.

The Cleric just facepalms both in and out of character and then starts laughing his bum off, whilst the zombies engage the Shugenja, trying to grapple and overpower him. For a few rounds the Shugenja is fighting for his life, whilst the Cleric fails to do anything til the Shugenja is about to drop.

2nd one: Same game, same Shugenja, although the whole party is there this time. The party sees a wide chasm they have to cross. However they are on horses and the wizard in the party is able to get all of the horses to fly. So it isn't a problem, except our Shugenja player is really bad at paying attention to significant detail.

What he does is jump off his horse, and begins to cast fire wings on himself. I blink, a bit taken aback by this, thinking maybe he just forgot and ask 3 times.
Are you sure, you want to jump off your flying horse and do this? He replies yes and would have fallen to his death if it weren't for the character playing a Sohei, who caught him with the pole side of his naginata in the Shugenja's posterior. (It was a semi Oriental adventures game.) Later the Shugenja player said he had no idea the horses were flying. The entire group facepalmed.


4. This one was in Sw the revised edition and will be the last on this post til I remember more, cause this post is a bit long already.

The characters: (and remembering this game, it was rather fun.)

A jedi Kushiban (hands down this player was one of our best roleplayers)

An ewok force adept that later turned into a follower of the Zeishon sha tradition.

And last a squib wannabe sith (this player made such intentional bad choices he was permanently dubbed f*tard for the rest of our games and was sadly proud of it.)

This was near the middle, would have been end of the game, if not for the squib. They were able to take down the 2 major BBEG, sith lord and their apprentice and were about to wrap up on Korrriban (sith planet). Squib has the bright idea to bring a corpse, that can be possessed and awakens a slumbering spirit of an ancient sith lord.

Funny thing is, the squib's ambition was to be true lord of the sith. When he did this, we as a group look at him and ask if he's sure. The Sith spirit possesses the body and ends the squib there and then as gratitude, and mainly because he doesn't want an incompetent apprentice, who also happenned to be ambitious. We then collectively inform the player of squib, he had actually had his wish, as he was Dark Lord of the Sith for all of 10 minutes.

tophatngoggles
2014-02-18, 11:19 AM
So this requires a tad bit of set up.

Our party is a group of Daedric Knights, and serve as the protectors from those who mess with demonic stuff they know little about, and we have an airship (group idea).

So, we're arrested and all of our stuff is confiscated and sold. This includes our weapons (most of which were enchanted), armor, items, potions, everything on the airship AND EVEN THE AIRSHIP. So we had to go hunt that stuff down.

Mid way through the adventure, we find ourselves trapped in a mystical forest, and the only way out was to appease the crotchety old wizard. Our Cleric has the idea to burn down the forest with this lantern he stole. Our DM at the time, me, let him roll and he got a 19. So he burned down the forest, we escaped, and hauled donkey to the next city.

The exchange went something like this.

DM: "You finally stop the wagon in the outskirts of the elven city of Isatay...oh dear..."
Cleric: "What's wrong?"
DM: (trying to hold back laughter) "Isatay is famous because the entire city is built...within the tree tops..."

The entire party erupts in laughter. The only two survivors were an old man without a leg ranting about windows...and a BABY.

So we force the child upon the cleric since it was indeed his fault, and now the Knights have a baby we named Peef.

YossarianLives
2014-02-18, 12:24 PM
The cast

Beurt a warforged fighter

Samuel a kobald sorcerer (me)

Richard a warforged wizard

So were walking merrily along through a forest when we ran into a river drake.
After slaying the beast we continue walking. A few minutes later we ran into a pack of kobalds who were apparently not hostile. After talking to them for a few minutes they ask. So have you seen our pet river drake we've lost him. Basically Richard started saying something along the lines of. TREMBLE BEFORE BY MIGHT PUNY FLESH BAGS BOW DOWN BEFORE ME OR BY BLASTED INTO OBLIVION THEN MADE INTO PASTE. While i who did not want to kill other kobalds unless forced to was trying to convince them not to attack.

Unfortunately Beurt had already started hitting them with his warhammer.

Drake2009
2014-03-01, 01:28 AM
I'm Baaack!:smallcool: Ahh the sight of funny dnd stories always warms my heart... Oh right the story...Best....character....ever...:smallsmile:
Ok so were outside a city thats been taken over by gnolls for a while. Its me and the halfling cleric! I am....An 8 ft 6 half celestial paladin who has angel wings and is blue...Effective character level 3... The halfling uses a spell that fascinates all the gnolls (8 in all) and while most of them are fascinated, i take out all the aware ones and then pwn the rest... The rest of the party finally comes (They were having to run, I LOVE FLYING!) and everything is dead... The cleric has stabilized the torch-er victim (the gnolls were torchering a human... ok next story!

Same town, town square essentially. Big guy (not as big as me!) huge axe,evil and possesed by a demon. I make a big speech about how he is not worthy (he used to be a good guy, friends with a saint!)... I hit him for some good damage...And then get knocked out of the sky. The cleric heals me and now the sorcerer (possessed by the saint... not like taken over but has like 2 minds the saint is silent sometimes.) starts yelling at the guy. The guy comes down and looks in pain. "KILL ME! I CANT HOLD HIM MUCH LONGER!! KIILLL! MEEEEE!!!!!" so what do i do? well obviously i start chopping at him with my sword. He dies (like a gin i might add...) and you know what i think? "WOOH I GET HIS COOL AXE!":smalltongue:

KK now what? Well its the final battle! Big guy who looks like the possessed man.. Sorcerer dispels it and BOOM big scorpion... I do the natural thing. Charge it with smite evil and yell! BOOM its hurt and i get hit with the color spray. Im out for 4 rounds and the scorpion attacks my friends. 2 rounds later and with the bard shooting icicles at the guy its DEAD!...Turns out i took out 2/3 of his health in one shot!

Man that was one fun campaign... Other interesting things are the STUPID PUGWAMPIES! reroll EVERYTHING! We took out a big boss battle when we werent supposed to. The sorcerer shot the boss in the pants with a ray of frost by accident... Creepy harpy lady flirting with me... Oh and i scared the drug dealer so bad that he peed his pants... oh yeah i loved that campaign...:smallbiggrin:

Edit: My guy is so strong, he can actually drag an elephant. 24 STRENGTH BABY!

Seto
2014-03-02, 08:46 AM
Here's the story of an unrealistic but funny DM fiat. We were low-level adventurers, and barely managed to stay alive (we didn't die often, but every single encounter sent half the party into negative HP). That's not because our DM was mean, rather that we were unlucky and/or incompetent.
That's when we faced a half-elf ranger in a forest... Our Bard got unlucky and died. Our DM hadn't wanted that to happen. But well, it sometimes does... And suddenly the enemy rolls a natural 1. Our DM rolls to see what kind of failure it's going to be... Second natural 1 in a row. The odds of that happening were, like, 0,25%. The description in the Critonomicon read "A failure so epic that bards will sing it."
Our DM hesitated... then was like "Oh, Hell. Let's make this literal". As our foe was holding his sword high in the air, ready to strike me, lightning fell on him. He fell backwards, his sword entering the body of our bard. Lightning brought him back to 0 HP, in a Frankenstein-like reaction. And the enemy ended up dead.

Don't worry about the DM. He blamed himself a little, but is currently learning not to pull his punches : the Bard died again, so did I.

Paynetrain72
2014-03-04, 09:36 PM
I have so many stories, I'll only tell a few. First of all, I play two characters in two different campaigns, A Half-Orc Barbarian/Frenzied Berserker, and a Dwarf wizard/Incantatrix. Three stories from my Barbarian. First, is when we were in a level 6 dungeon I think. The idea behind the dungeon was that there were four main rooms, and each room contained a monster of a specific element. This had been a recurring theme for this dungeon. We reached a large iron door and our DM said that there was a lot of heat coming from the door. So naturally, my character tries to open the door. Naturally, I take fire damage, and now my character is both pissed and untrusting of doors. Anyway, myy character just rushes the door and rolls a natural 20 and busts the door off its hinges and we run into the room and see a demon covered in flames. I can't remember the name but it wasn't a balor. So what does my party do? They start to argue about what to do with the door. Meanwhile the rogue and I are sitting there going, "Guys... DEMON. ON FIRE. FREAKING FIRE DEMON." The best part is that during the fight the door got destroyed by the demon. Next one is twofold. We were in Greyhawk for the first time, and the halfing rogue and I go to the beggars guild because we're bored and want to kill some beggars. We get there and my character hands his double axe to the other guy who was there to watch and I go in there and grapple the first beggar I see. I win by a landslide and the conversation was as follows.
DM: Okay, you have him in a grapple, now what?
Me: Beggars are really light, right? Because they're starving and stuff?
DM: I guess.
Me: I take the beggar and start using him as a club to kill the other beggars.
DM: :smallsigh: I guess it would be considered a club.
Me: *Proceeds to kill all but one beggar with the first beggar while the rogue kills a few with his shortswords* *A man towards the front of the room who isn't a beggar pulls a lever that drops an inescapable net on the rogue and I and the last beggar*
Rogue: What should we do with the last beggar?
Me: He deserves a special death!
Rogue: Hold on, what race is he?
Dm: Well... I guess human.
Rogue: We're not the same race! It isn't cannibilism!
We then rolled to eat the beggar and Halfling happens to roll a natural 20 so we say he pulls out a fork, knife, and napkin and consumes most of the beggar.
The third story is a recent one. We had just returned to a town after retrieving some documents from a destroyed white dragon temple in the arctic. My character goes to a bar while the rest explored the town. The bar doesn't allow weapons so I am forced to leave my baby (A huge greatsword that I roll 2d12 for damage) and my +5 Vorpal Bastard Sword outside.I go in and there are two shady people beside me at the bar. After several failed attempts to get their attention (My character is an idiot) I accidentally make fun of their god because they are members of the cult of Tiamat which is who we had been investigating and start a fight with them. They had snuck weapons into the bar and were armed with daggers and I had nothing, because I wanted a more fair fight, I roll a strength check and rip the bar off the ground and use it as a weapon. When the bar breaks, I use nearby tables, chairs, patrons of the bar as my weapons. Eventually my party walks in during the fight but one of the guys I'm fighting is a cleric and casts a magic circle against law to prevent guards interfering and most of my party is lawful so that hurt me. I ended up dying and they took my belt of Titan strength and teleported out. Our Cleric ressurected me and we ended up going to their temple next and I absolutely destroyed a lot of stuff. Morale of that story, never piss of a Frenzied Berserker.

Threadnaught
2014-03-07, 12:28 PM
The PCs.
Drow Invisible Guardian (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=13605675) who sleeps with anything female. Chooses ugly women in order to prevent Vehk from stealing them.
Speaks in an Oirish accent to NPCs.
We refer to the character as Izzy in the group, so I'll do it for the story too.

Drow Warrior Poet (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=235823) based on the character from the third Elder Scrolls game of the same name. Player is attempting to play him as closely to the character he's based on as possible.
Vehk is deathly afraid of cats due to interrupting his best friend's fun one time, with a crazy cat lady, who threw several of her cats at him while he ran.


Okay, the characters are set, let's get the game on.
Sharn: The City of Towers is where most of the action takes place.

The PCs walk into a tavern and see a group of Halflings having a heated discussion in hushed tones, in a dark corner of the room sits a man with a hood smoking a pipe, in another dark corner there sits a man reading several notes and there is a dagger stabbed into a table with seven notches carved into it (the table, not the knife) and at the bar is a group of Elves who look like they're worried about something. The Barkeeper is of course, eying them suspiciously as they enter and sit down at a table near the Hobbits Halflings.
The barmaid, who is both described as being ugly and sounds like a man (that's about as feminine as I want her) is seduced by Izzy, who takes her out back to have some fun. During which, I take a moment to try to ruin this for the Player by reminding him that every romantic encounter is with the DM, he doesn't seem to mind. After this he rolls a Fortitude Save for Disease. :smallamused: Then he takes her underwear and heads on back inside to find out what Vehk managed to find for the two of them.

While Izzy is enjoying himself, Vehk overhears the Hobbits Halflings talking about their friend and the ring that drove him crazy. He asks them what they're talking about and they immediately clam up, he Intimidates them and they tell him all about how their good friend Dorfo found a Magic Ring which drove him mad after he put it on and caused him to "blow up" his friend Sam, who was established as having had feelings for Dorfo.
Vehk convinced them into giving him the Ring with threats of violence if they didn't and they didn't want trouble. They take the time to listen to the Hobbits Halflings who tell them that the ring was created in Ashtalaka and the PCs study the ring themselves, to find engraved on the inside the Abyssal word for "Insanity", obviously putting this thing on is a bad idea.
The guy smoking the pipe shook his head at the Hobbits Halflings' behaviour the whole time.

Izzy comes back into the tavern and joins Vehk, they're told the other Hobbits Halflings left Dorfo in the King's Forest, temporarily tied up. Naturally the Players want to go out and collect the bounty on the head of all murderers, regardless of whether there's a bounty or not. So they leave Sharn and step on out into the King's Forest, they travel for about, a minute and then they hear ranting which they travel towards. The ranting is coming from a Hobbit Halfling who is accusing a corpse of stealing his "lovely".
They speak to the Hobbit Halfling about his predicament and manage to convince him that not only do they not have the ring, but that neither of the PCs are gay. Dorfo actually mentions that he killed Sam for being gay, yes, he's a little (heh) homophobic. The corpse interestingly, is clutching the handle of a broken dagger with an insignia on the pommel which the players want because they're greedy, but they suspect that I may enjoy using Undead (which I do, it's my favourite Type), so they decide to pin the corpse to the floor before taking the broken dagger. Izzy even stuffs the shards of the blade into the barmaid's panties for safe keeping. Then Dorfo begins screaming that "the nine" are coming, so the PCs hide themselves and Vehk is terrified right now because "the nine" are house catsm just strolling by for no apparent reason. :smallamused:

After the cats go by, the Players decide to threaten Dorfo and try him with a rope. On their way back to Sharn, they see the Elves from the tavern leaving, taking the road north. It is quite late, sun had been setting since they left Sharn, when they get back Vehk goes looking for a guard who can assist them with their prisoner. A successful Bluff Check from Dorfo and failed Sense Motive Check by the guard, means he orders the PCs to let the Hobbit Halfling go or be arrested.
Vehk takes offence to how incompetent the guard appears to be, so he Intimidates the guard with his weapon drawn and not only does he succeed, but a roll in the 30s is pretty entertaining, so the guard wets himself for comedy. He attempts to take the Hobbit Halfling but the PCs deny him custody of the prisoner until they get their reward, so he transports them some of the way and they're in a heated discussion when the guard notices some of his colleagues walking by and decides to become more aggressive. Izzy swings the knicker-mace (blade filled panties) at his face and hit for 1HP damage, guard failed Fortitude Save for Disease. The PCs ran dragging the Hobbit Halfling behind them and hid in an alleyway, they left Dorfo and threw the rope so it wouldn't lead from him to either PC, as he wasn't attempting to hide. Guards came by and took the Hobbit Halfling away.

They go back to the tavern where they began and complain to the Hobbits Halflings who sent them on the quest, which the Players finally figure was just me screwing with them. :smallamused:
In the Elves' place is a humanoid in a blue garb, giving them the appearance of a ninja with a hat. The man reading his notes was still there, the table now had another two notches and the smoker started complaining about the PCs' behaviour under his breath.
The Hobbits Halflings all leave to go to their room for the night, the PCs both decide to talk to the blue ninja, whose voice terrifies them. :smallamused:
He turns out to be a man called Strider, he is a Monster Hunter who wishes to travel the world and experience all kinds of creatures to add more abilities to his repertoire.
Strider is indeed a Blue Mage (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=12648559#post12648559) and has Paralysis from a Ghoul he encountered ready to use.
The voice that terrifies my players? There is an NPC in Skyrim, his name is Nazeem. He is best know for saying "do you get to the Cloud District very often? Oh what am I saying? Of course you don't." every time Dovahkiin goes near him.
That's the same voice I try to mimic with Strider. :smallamused:
Strider talks with the PCs for a minute or two, then leaves. It is dark outside now and the PCs leave to escape the city before the guard who wet himself (Senór Pee Pants) manages to get them killed. On their way out, they see Strider pinning a woman up against a wall, he asks them for assistance. Vehk knocks Strider to the floor and pins him, while Izzy holds the woman who turns out to be a Vampire, they fight her and are able to knock her out, but they're struggling to decide what to do with her. They have no way of finishing her off, but leaving her could endanger the citizens of Sharn, and Vehk is uncomfortable about seeking help from the guards because Senór Pee Pants. Strider bets against Vehk, that the guards wouldn't attack if they take the Vampire to the guards.

So eventually they reach a rather conveniently located guard post thingy place and take the Vampire inside, also rather conveniently, none of the guards seem to recognize either Izzy or Vehk. They lay the body on a desk after it's cleared and discuss a Vampirism problem the city may have, a pair of guards leave to bring a priest/cleric and everyone who brought the Vampire in gets paid. Senór Pee Pants comes in from the back room and demands the PCs be arrested, but the other guards just laugh at him and tell him to sit down. He whips out his weapon and approached Vehk, everybody else, including Strider, get their weapons out ready to attack Senór Pee Pants and the other guards try to negotiate with him to stand down. Senór Pee Pants attacks Vehk, everybody else in the room attacks him, ending in his expulsion from the city guard and arrest. The PCs and Strider are rewarded for helping to detain the criminal. Strider claims to have won the bet on a technicality, Vehk tries Diplomacy, but fails and agrees to work for Strider, who attempts to appease the Drow by offering them each 30% of any money they earn and first pick of any special items they find. Strider is of course, in charge of expenses. :smallamused:

The bet was for Strider to give the PCs 50gp, or for the PCs to work for Strider, for free. I think once Strider gets 1000gp, he'll be willing to let them go. And if the PCs try to murder him, they'll have to fight against his Ghoul Paralysis.

That's the first session of my Australian group. The game in which I banned Official Classes for Player use.
And just in case anyone is wondering, the Players referred to the Halflings as Hobbits the entire session, I kept correcting them, but at one point referred to them as Hobbits myself.

Yes, these are the players I intend to send against Sauron the Black and his Squirrel kin.

I've been considering turning Strider into a villain at some point. If the PCs try to murder him and he manages to survive, he'll of course make it a goal for them to pay. If they kill him and he successfully makes it difficult for them before croaking it, I'll probably get him rezzed by a villain down the line. Who may find his voice just as awful as the Players do. :smallamused:

CMDonovann
2014-03-08, 03:55 PM
Okay, so I just joined this site specifically so I could post some funny things that happened in my last campaign.

Earlier this year I got a D&D group together of almost entirely newbies. Like, me and my younger brother are the only ones out of six players who have any experience, and our experience is a tad questionable anyway. We play what I refer to as "D&D Lite," which is basically 4e but with some rules being ignored entirely and other rules made up out of my butt. Mostly we go with whatever is more fun as far as RPing and advancing the story.

ANYWAY it was the first game of our first campaign and I was DMing. My brother was playing a Dragonborn Paladin named Balasar and my friend Colleen was an Elf Rogue named Lee. The other players were a Tiefling Warlock (Akita), a Human Cleric (Bral), and... um, Leo the Elf Ranger actually hadn't joined us yet I think? Whatever.

So the group had followed some tracks through the woods, trying to find the kidnapped high priestess of the Church Of Moradin, which basically ran the town they had met in (Silverfell- homebrew setting). Lee was being super sassy and flaunting her superiority in some skills and was like, "I'm gonna go ahead and follow the tracks since I'm the only one with high enough nature/survival training to follow them. Y'all wait here." And she just flounced off into the woods, leaving the rest of the party planning her demise.

She followed the tracks out into the mountains, where they suddenly stopped at a steep cliff face. Now, I had been intending for whoever found the tracks to realize that tracks disappearing into the side of a mountain meant there was a secret cave with a hidden door. But Lee was immediately like, "I'm gonna climb the cliff."

DM (Me): You do realize that it's a sheer cliff face? It's like, a WALL of sharp, dangerous rock.
Lee: I have no fear of falling. My skills surpass those of any mere commoner.
DM: Ok... Roll an athletics check.
Lee: *rolls a natural 1*
Lee: *long string of expletives*
DM: You try to climb the cliff, but no more than ten feet from the ground, your foot slips on a loose rock. As you fall, you hit what appears to be a rocky lever sticking out from the side of the mountain. You hit the ground and take falling damage just as a doorway opens in the side of the mountain, activated by the lever you hit on your fall.

So what does Lee do? She goes back and gets the rest of the party, telling them that by her sheer skill and incredible intelligence, she had found a secret cave in the cliff. (Yeah right, Lee, you keep telling yourself that.)

Later in the same game, the party was trying to sneak up and ambush some guard they had found in the secret cave. Balasar and Lee were arguing about the best way to go about it, and finally Lee just got fed up and pushed Balasar out into the corridor where the guard was waiting. The guard had the advantage, since Balasar had fallen over, and immediately knocked his weapon out of his hands. Then Balasar says, "I'm gonna punch the guard." So he rolls for an unarmed attack and gets a natural 20, then rolls the highest damage possible and of course it gets doubled because of the critical. So The guard ends up with like 20 something damage and dies from a punch in the face, and my brother (playing Balasar) stands up on his chair and shouts, "FALCON PUNCHHHH!" really loudly. It's now his favorite way to attack.


Another funny incident happened with Balasar a few games later. The party was trying to cross a rope bridge over a huge canyon in the mountains that required a dexterity check to get across without falling, right? So the entire party gets across totally fine, all rolling really well. Then Balasar, the last one left on the other side, rolls his check and gets a natural 1.

Balasar: Well, crap.
DM: You make it about a foot out onto the rope bridge before losing your balance and falling, tearing the fraying rope bridge as you go. You fall into the canyon, screaming the whole way down, and land in the river below, unharmed, but carried away from the rest of the party by the current.
Balasar: Well, crap.
The rest of the party: Well, crap.
DM: As he fell, however, you heard his shouts echoing far upward, and just when you think it is finally silent, you hear a rumbling from above you. Snow begins falling from the highest peaks of the mountain, causing an avalanche.
Everyone: Well, crap.

They all ran into a cave in the side of the mountain, where they ended up trapped by the snow from the avalanche for a few days until Balasar, who had been fished out of the river a few miles out of the mountain range, came back and dug them out.

Codex
2014-03-09, 11:01 PM
Many of my adventures had humor in them. Characters involved: Codex you know who he is, Zob Goblin Barbarian, Durra Orc Paladin.

Durra: Do you know what we need?
Codex:Our own web comic?

Durra: Not to worry. I've got this! Smite evil! Power Attack! (rolls a natural 1)
Codex:(Steps behind Zob) I'm following that guy.

Durra:(Talking about a cart) You could help me pull
Codex: No need to expend my spells
DM: A Tyrannosaurus Rex bursts out of the trees to your right. It spots the three of you and begins to stride forward, it's gaping jaws snapping in anticipation.
Codex: Ant haul! Enlarge Person!

At another point, Codex was mesmerized by an artifact that began draining his mind. Zob eventually just knocked him out and dragged him away.

delenn
2014-03-10, 03:07 AM
I was DMing an encounter in a 100ft high tower, and one of the PC's knocked a guard out of the window. One of the players asked if he fell on anything below, so I told them all to suggest something, and then I'd roll for it. They call came up with great ideas (that I wish I could remember - one involved a pile of manure), but the one that won was 'another guard who's just one week away from retirement.' I felt so bad for the almost-retired guard that I later gave him a backstory.

In another game, our Sorcerer started drowning, panicked, and cast Fly before remembering that he could polymorph, so he ended up a flying octopus.

Oh, and then there was the time our party and one NPC got body-swapped. My somber, serious cleric was not pleased to find herself in the body of the local stinky, drunken vagabond (and friend/lovable nuisance, but still), and we had to immediately progress with the quest if we wanted to fix things, so there was no time to bathe. So:

DM: In this room, you find a large basin filled with water. It appears to be used for scrying.
Me: Can I lift it?
DM: Yeah...?
Me: I DUMP IT OVER MY HEAD.

Socksy
2014-03-10, 01:59 PM
I once introduced a cursed Belt of Giant Strength. It would damage the Psychic Warrior's 19STR by alternating amounts of two and four points of damage, to a minimum of five whenever he failed his Will save (once per day unless he was in danger or it wanted to mess with him, he's never rolled higher than a six, and when it's not on him, the points start to return). He couldn't take it off unless it wanted him to. It also had the side effect of getting a song into the wearer's head, giving a -2 to Listen checks. (It also let natural attacks also deal Ego Whip damage, so it wasn't all bad, but nobody actually made one while wearing it which wasn't a one-hit KO). The Psychic Warrior fails to recognise it.

The rest of the party (Drow(I think) Psion, Elf Rogue, Human Hexblade) are dragging the Psychic Warrior through the forest on a cart to get the Psychic Warrior to someone willing to cast Remove Curse when they get attacked by some Kobolds and a wyrmling Green Dragon (refluffed to be a fully-grown pseudodragon variant). The Psion grabs the Dragon with telekinetic force, spins it around, and concentrates on keeping its' head pointed away from them. The rogue manages to persuade the belt off the Psychic Warrior, and it promptly latches onto her, tightening around her waist and feeding her those 14 STR points it took from him. She punches through one Kobold while the Hexblade chops up the Dragon, and the rest of them flee. The Psychic Warrior is confused and slightly upset. The rogue also fails to recognise the song. The strength boost fades after a minute, and the belt slinks back over to the Psychic Warrior, who fails the reflex save to get out of the way.

They eventually manage to get him to a cleric of high enough level to remove the belt permanently and restore the Psychic Warrior's STR, and it's nailed to one of the benches in his lab.
It starts projecting its song out loud (https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&ei=VwkeU-LuDpSqhQfI1YCgCA&url=http://m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3D32UGD0fV45g&cd=3&ved=0CC8QtwIwAg&usg=AFQjCNHwiT1lsdG7RQr-JJOAcv_gYXgkCA), and the cleric says "That isn't a Belt of Giant Strength! That's a Belt of Troll Strength!"

turbo164
2014-03-11, 01:51 PM
*avalanche story*

Did they eat the Rogue while stuck in the cave? :smalltongue:

Dundee15
2014-03-11, 07:06 PM
The Cast:
Alex (Male Human Rogue, Skill Monkey, Merc)
Gar (Male Dwarf Fighter, leader/plan guy, Merc)
Belle (Female Elf Ranger, 2nd in command, Merc)
Sir Gant (Male Human Paladin, thinks he's in command)
Becca (Female Human Cleric (12 year old character), team mascot)

Ward (Male Human Wizard, 'Ladies Man', Scholar)

The party was traveling through a forest with a religious artifact for Sir Gant and Becca's church when they were attacked by bandits that were trying to steal it. After the battle they noticed that the wagon that was holding their food and other traveling supplies had been robbed and they didn't have enough to make it to the next town. So Gant tries to hunt for food, and fails miserably. Belle takes over and gets a few rabbits for dinner. With some lucky rolls they are able to skin the rabbits and make 3 water skins. The second order of business was to get some fresh water as they could hunt on the way, so Belle ends up finding a spring. The party then spends the next 3 minutes arguing if it's safe to drink or not. So Gant gets annoyed and shoves Alex into the spring. (DM rolled on a random effect chart he had) After coming up for air he notices that he feels a bit different and the rest of the party bursts out in laughter. Becca tries to dispel the effect but DM ruled that it needed to be cured with a potion so Alex(is), Belle, and Becca drink out of the fountain while Gar and Gant look for other sources of water.


(in the next session) After arriving at the next town in their journey, the party splits up to take care of business and introduce another member to the party. Alexis goes off in search for somebody who can cure him, Gar and Belle shop for supplies, and Gant and Becca stop at the local church to pay their respects and offer assistance. At the church they learn that the wizard at the end of town needs help with something and would be willing to assist anyone who would help him however he could. Gant and Becca head out to the wizard's hut and find Ward. He offers his services to the party if they help him 'take care of' some problems in a cave to the north of town. Apparently he's been using it as a lab for testing spells and what-not when some monsters (can't remember what) took it over. Gant agrees (for the party without the full party being there) and rushes off... at dusk. The rest of the party meets back at the inn and rests the night. Alexis wasn't able to find anyone who could cure him. The next morning Becca takes the group to meet Ward and Gar decides that it would be best to go get Gant before he gets himself killed. Ward's player asks about Belle and Alexis and then has Ward start hitting on the two of them, much to Alexis' displeasure. The party gets to the cave to find Gant hanging upside down from a tree halfway to the cave. They undo the rope and go inside, clear out the monsters and recover Ward's books and then they go on their way.

I'll post part 2 when i'm not falling asleep

Woo! Part 2! Sorry it took so long.

Up to this point, Alexis has been "Adjusting" and was taking penalties to her rolls, but the DM ruled that it had been long enough that the penalties were now gone. Instead (s)he now had a str/con-1 and a dex/cha+1. Now heading back to Ward's place, the party discovers that he is able to create potions and Alexis asks him to cure her. After a short detour to acquire the ingredients needed from the local forest Ward whips up a potion and Alexis is cured. The party continues on to the next town and speaks with the king to see if they can help with any problems. The King sends them to work for his captain of the guard, and find out he's plotting against the throne. They take care of the bandits he sent them to go fight, and the King invites Sir Gant as a noble paladin and a guest of his choice to the party. Seeing their chance to sneak around and look for evidence, they figure that the best person to go with Gant is Alex, as he has the best chance to sneak, and can bluff his way out of any situation fairly easily... the only problem being, he's a guy. Turns out Belle had some water left from the spring and dumped it on Alex(is). Becca and Belle then took Alexis to get a makeover. Dropping a chunk of gold the make-over consisted of hair, makeup, and dress (and Becca and Belle's players REALLY wanted to RP it.)

Afterwards, Alexis and Gant went to the ball. Gant ended up getting drunk, and was making a ruckus. So Alexis snuck away to the guard captain's room during a guard shift. While she was in there, she found a letter on his desk the guard captain entered. She then bluffed her way into a seduction attempt that almost worked too well, then knocked him out. On her way out, she noticed that there were 2 guards right next to the door and she was trapped. The party ended and Gant left, forgetting why he was there in the first place. Alexis was captured and thrown in jail but she hid the letter (in a planter out the window) being a Rogue she was able to sneak out. The plan was to regroup the next day and then go see the king. Gant was hungover and the rest of the party was wondering what happened to Alexis as her dress was torn, and her hair was a mess. Ward constantly insisted that she 'got some' While meeting the king, each party member was thanked and would be forever known as an ally to the kingdom, all they had to do was tell the king their names...

King: And what do I call these fine heroes?
one by one they stepped forward
Gar: I am Gar
Gant: I am Sir Gant (cue eyerolls)
Belle: I am Belle
Becca: You may call me Lady Becca
Ward: I am grand archmage Ward of the seven kingdoms (more eyerolls)
Gant: And last is Alexis
Alex: DON'T CALL ME ALEXIS!
King: Yes, a fine young lady like her deserves to have her title spoken as well.

From then on, even while a guy, he was Lady Alexis.


Once again sorry for the delay.

DontEatRawHagis
2014-03-13, 09:26 PM
Highlights from my last game:

The Cast:
Dragonborn Fighter - Claudius, a bit straight forward... you'll see what I mean below.
High Elf Mage - Trudi, the brains and diligent note taker.
Human monk - Sehn, the brawns and wise ass.
Half Elf Druid - Kaomi, blind(magic sight) and has a pension for kissing things she shouldn't be.

So the party witnessed the following, the Governor of a city dying while trying to secretly banish a god-demon in the mountains and the supreme leader is missing the city. Rumors have caused the city to fallen to rioting. The plan they decide to settle on is polymorph Claudius into the governor for an hour in order to calm the populous. I'll let the words speak for themselves...

Claudius: My fellow men, it has come to my attention that our village-
Guy in Crowd: City!
Claudius: I'm sorry, City has fallen to rioting believing that I had died.
Guy in Crowd: Who said died? We just thought you ran away.
Claudius: Sorry again, rumors of my departure were grossly over exaggerated. I'm still alive though.
Trudi: Maybe you should try to rally them.
Claudius: We must stand together at this time.
Guy in Crowd: Here Here!
Claudius: Now I might be gone for a while.
Guy in Crowd: What?
Claudius(Intimidation): But I will rule with an iron fist.
Sheriff(To Party): Stop him!
Claudius: You will bow before me as your one true leader!

On a ship fighting tentacles of a giant octopus. Trudi is grabbed by one of the tentacles and is being crushed to death. I removed the other players turns as Claudius

Claudius: Can I swing on one of the ropes handing from the mast?
DM: You can try. Roll an Intelligence check.
Claudius: *Crit Fail*
DM: The rope you cut wraps around your leg and your dragged up into the ship's rafters about 60ft up. Ropes and sails around you.
Claudius: At least I have height advantage. I fire my crossbow at the tentacle. *Success*
DM: One of the ones not holding Trudi?
Claudius: No the one holding Trudi.
DM: Evens or odds?
Claudius: Evens *Odds*
DM: Trudi an arrow sinks into your shoulder blade.
Trudi: Damn it, Claudius.
Claudius: Okay, I got this I'll use my dragonbreath.
DM: Roll an intelligence check.
Claudius: *Fails* Okay, flame breath it is.
DM: *Facepalm* *Rolls two dice* Okay, so the sail is now on fire and you set fire on the rope holding you aloft. Plummeting 60ft.
Sehn: He's wearing heavy armor, shouldn't he fall through the deck?
Claudius: You're not helping!

Dunsparce
2014-03-14, 07:39 AM
Okay, before I tell this short story that happened the other night, I need to give some background info: In this near-epic evil campaign I play, the DM has a unique verbal tic. He likes saying "Dodongo" A LOT. Originally he said it to cheese off one particular player, but nowadays he says it in casual conversation even when that player isn't around to hear him say it.

Anyways here's the team:
-Marra (A alf-fiend gnoll barbarian. SHe(played by a guy) is the powerhouse of the team. Deals insane damage consistantly but it a little wild)
-Rowbie (Human Cleric, he's the main magic user of the group. keeps Marra alive when he goes insane)
-Klien (Halfling (complete adventurer) Ninja. He's the stealthy one in the group. This is the player that gets cheesed off when the DM says Dodongo
-Dorian (Human Fallen Paladin/Bone Knight. This is my character. His role is to take hits, as his HP, AC, and Saves are unmatched)

Well anyways last night we were clearing out a devil filled dungeon that was under the pub of the small town we hide out in after we cause mayhem. We fought some devils and made it past a trapped hallway, we made it to a library of some sort. There was a glowing ball of light shooting lightning in the center. Klien snuck in and started started looting some stuff, and touched a small crystal ball. Touching it cause a blue dragon to emerge from the orb in the center. He demanded to Klien that he put his stuff back and Warned Marra, whom was standing in the entrance of the room, to not even attempt to come into the room. Klien decided to go on a 5 minutes(in real time) rant that Marra will do the opposite of whatever the dragon tells her to do and and since he's been traveling with her for so long he tells him that he'd be better off tell her to come into the room. After this huge talk the dragon we were about to engage in combat with only had one thing to say:

"Dodongo!"

Stromveil
2014-03-16, 02:08 AM
So, a few weeks back me and a few friends started a 2e campaign, and the oldest out our group is 17, youngest being 9 ish. Te 9 yr old was playing a CE wizard, and he is possibly the most evil person in the world.
Example: DM: being the first to arrive in the shop, only you and the shopkeeper are in the room.
Wiz: I attack the shopkeeper.
DM: are you sure? There are guards right outside!
Wiz: well, it's the only way I can get free stuff!
Me: (CG fighter, known for my good looks and amazing charisma checks) Dude, just wait a few minutes and I will be in the shop, if your char explains that he wants free stuff, I can just charisma my way into free stuff!
Wiz: I'm going to attack her.
DM: Just before you begin your attack, the large black woman who keeps the shop, pulls out a very large war hammer, and says "Boy you even make a move and imma mess you up good son"
Needless to say he never attacked.

Dunsparce
2014-03-31, 11:48 AM
Okay, a funny thing happened a few days ago in a desert campaign I'm in. Here is the party:

Eliwood: True Neutral Human Mystic Ranger, Played by Moi
Garvish: Lawful Neutral Halfling Rogue/Wizard
Zook: Chaotic Neutral Venerable Gnome Cleric of a homebrew god of Luck

We're all level 2 at this point.

We're currently in a cave where a genocide against kolbolds had taken place. We're traveling with a NPC female kolbold cleric and we had earlier taken care of some of the people that had commited the act. My fantasic listen check allowed me to hear some more people in the distance. It was a party consisting of a Knight, his Expert Squire, a Barbarian, and a Sorcerer. We wanted loot so we decided to kill them. Garvish rolled really high on hide and move silently and postioned himself to shank the sorcerer. Zook approached them and was distracting them with Ale(And preparing Magic Weapon for my Bow) Suddenly Garvish struck with a sneak attack and instantly killed the sorcerer, starting initiative. I won and one-shot the squire. The Knight took a massive chunk out of Garvish out of revenge, and the Barbarian was about to finish him with a charge when something amazing happened. He rolled a 1. In this campaign we use crit tables, so a d-100 was rolled. He got a 100, which is "roll three times and combine" The Barbarian fell prone, broke his armor, and his axe flew out of his hand and landed at Zook's feet. It was the failure of all failures, and everyone was roaring with laughter OOC. After that Eliwood got a confirmed crit on the knight, one shotting him with his longbow. The NPC kolbold use Inflict Light Wounds on the barbarian and he was shanked by Garvish but he was still alive. Eliwood's turn rolled around again and he got ANOTHER confirmed crit, finsihing him off. From what the DM said the fight was supposed to be a lot harder than it turned out, but the luck was on our side with the rolls. (The funny thing is that the fight before that was against a few bats and it was supposed to be the simple random encounter, but we struggled badly with poor rolls and Zook and Garvish almost died and Eliwood was the only character that could reasonably hit them and kept missing.)

CombatOwl
2014-03-31, 07:42 PM
In the immortal words of fraud,



His classic thread (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=88960) lasted almost four years, but as his last post was three months after starting it, I'm not worried he'll be upset about my starting the sequel.

So tell your funny stories! Mostly they're going to be D&D, but, really, any tabletop RPG is just fine.


Just a couple words of advice from experience:
It's always nice if you give the characters names, or refer to them by their roles. It's difficult to read "Then K attacked the mayor but P backstabbed K with L's cursed dagger that he stole in R's house" and have to constantly refer to the key at the top.
It would be really sad if people skipped your story because it looked too long. Perhaps not all of the subplots going on really contribute to the humor?
Maybe your story really does have to be long to get the full humor across. If so, paragraph breaks are your best friends.
Don't badmouth other forum members. A similar thread got locked for that, which was a great shame.
Rouge is a type of makeup.
Have fun!


I've got quite a few, but every time I try to type one out it seems to drag on because it's the context that makes it funny. I was running a Pathfinder game where the players were a noble member of the party was going to become a Linnorm King and this is the story of how that happened. But in my usual style, I throw in lots of twists and turns where events happen behind the scenes that the players aren't always aware of. Well, one of those twists and turns was a plot by a faction of cold fey in Irrisen to take control of a part of the Land of the Linnorm Kings. They were being aided by a local Ranger, who in the process of helping the cold fey had murdered the "main" character's noble father. Assassination being the end of the local nobility's rope, the party was dispatched to finally bring this ranger to justice. They get a tip about the ranger's hideout being somewhere in the area of a remote dwarven town well away from other civilization. They travel to the town, and meet with the NPCs that provide them with the information about this quest. Now, it bears saying that I have a handful of repeat NPCs. Most of them are former characters, none of them are put into important roles, and this one in particular has the role of a shopkeeper. He's a cleric who is cursed to make a very high percentage of cursed items, but loves to tinker with magic so he keeps doing it anyway. The only caveat is that none of the curses are actually fatal (he makes plenty of those, but he destroys them rather than sells them, because he's good aligned). I make it a point to always come up with some seemingly rational explanation for the curse (for example, a bag of holding that only functions at night is billed as a "time lock bag of holding" that will protects your goods during the day). Anyway, he's one of the contacts at the town. It turns out that some of his goods have been stolen by a band of brigands loose in the forest. Three guesses as to who leads them. But being a powerful cleric (end game character), he can assist the party if they'll choose to help him--and he'll even pay them in store credit if they wish (because of a set of feats, he can make a slight profit selling items "at cost" so it's double the money if they take store credit).

I'm not expounding upon the nature of the shopkeeper just to toot my own horn--I followed his crafting procedure and some of the stolen items came up cursed. My usual way of doing his cursed items is to roll once on the requirement or dependent curse table, and again on the drawback table (and throwing out the deadly results), and try to come up with some way to make the curse seem like a benefit. Anyway, one of the items was a cursed adamantine breastplate (+3, invulnerable) which got "item must have a specific spell cast on it to function" and "character's gender changes." I generalized that as "item's bearer must fail their save on a spell" because I didn't want to mess with picking a spell for it. The ranger, being the leader of the bandits and interested in the best equipment they could find saw the obvious quality of the breastplate and took it for himself. So the inevitable confrontation comes around. The party, being a fairly... blunt and upfront party decided to assault the ranger in his own stronghold in his own favored terrain. After fighting their way through the enemies at the stronghold, they run into this encounter with a ranger in a prepared room that's been shaped into a ranger's paradise--hiding spots galore, plenty of natural difficult terrain, etc. The ranger was this crossbow specialist ranger who used the terrain for his advantage--he had set up a lot of helpless 1HD creatures around the room and sniped at the little creatures using the cover in the room to protect himself from being seen. He'd then use arrow eruption to pelt the party with full-power vital striked, gravity bowed, brilliant energy crossbow bolts. This is important because during the fight the party never actually saw him--until one of them thought to blast a hole in the cover and another readied an action to use hold person when the ranger left cover to snipe. I thought it was clever enough that I would let the technical rules violation slide (since by the rules you can cross an open space unseen as long as you end in cover). The ranger failed his saving throw and was held.

This is where it gets funny. The curse on the armor activates in the first round they see the ranger, but none of them realize what happened. The ranger gets coup-de-graced later in that same round, so even the ranger doesn't know what happened. They've all got a pretty specific description of the ranger (he was seen committing the deed, and the person who saw him gave a very good description), and they know the ranger they're looking for is a man. So the players OOC assume that "the princess is in the next castle," and spend a month travelling back to their liege lord for new orders. I find all this hilarious, and let them do it. It's not until after their characters get back home that they ask around and realize that there are no more hints forthcoming and that they must have missed something. So they then go on another harrowing journey back to the former ranger's stronghold. Once there they commence to using speak with dead on the corpse of the ranger. It takes *quite* awhile before they ask the right questions, because the already cryptic answers from speak with dead are further confused because the spirit didn't even realize he'd been cursed to be a woman at the time of death (he literally got held and killed in the same round).

ReaderAt2046
2014-04-07, 05:00 PM
So me and some friends were rolling up characters for a Call of Cthulu campaign, and I rolled up extremely high POW but weak physical stats. I took this ability spread and decided to do something that a more experienced CoC player would know is utterly ridiculous: I made a PC cultist. Specifically, I made Brian Patrick Hood, whose backstory is copied here:
In all worlds, in all times, in all shadowrealms and fractured realities, the house of Hood have been mages, sorcerors, wielders of supernal power. In this realm, that inbred trait drove them to the reality-warping energies of the Mythos, and they became Summoner Lords. Everything from Hunting Horrors to Fire Vampires to the Hounds of Tindalos were at their beck and call, if they paid the proper prices. An unusual mutation of common sense also runs rampant through this line, generally preventing them from driving too deep and getting involved with powers beyond their ability to control. As a child, Brian Hood was just beginning to be inducted into the lore of his family when his parents set off for a trip to Stonehenge, where they and others of the Circle intended to do…something. They never returned. Brian’s life is now bound by two tasks: To gain for himself the power that is his birthright, and to find the truth of what happened to his parents. In that quest, he has been required to work out the required spells himself, for both the bulk of his parent’s notes and all the Hood contacts within the Circle disappeared in the same disaster that took his parent’s lives.


About half a dozen sessions into the game, Brian dies and gets turned into a god and transported to a parallel dimension of reality, so he's out of the game. I am happy with this (Brian's death was pretty damn heroic, much better than I expected), and I roll up a new character. A few sessions later, another party member dies. The player rolls maximum wealth, and comes up with a really screwy idea. He decides that his new character will be an obscure scion of the Hood bloodline, who ran away from home at a very young age to become a street magician. With Brian's death, Kevin Hood inherits the entire Hood fortune.

Then the real payoff comes last session, when as a result of various shenanigans we end up between Ireland and Scotland, on a boat and in desperate need of supplies. Kevin realized that we weren't that far from the main Hood mansion in Ireland. We arrive there, and it is perfect. I don't know any better way to describe the reaction of the Hood servants than to say that it's pretty much what you'd imagine happening if you show up in Transylvania and announce that you're Dracula. And of course, Brian was watching the whole thing via magic.

Some of the better quotes/details.

Kevin: "So, did my parents have some kind of pension plan? For when you guys retire?"
Butler: "Retirement has never really been a consideration with the Hoods, Sir.

Narrator: "Looking over the servant contracts, you notice a lot of weird details, a lot of things in perpetuity that aren't normally in perpetuity. You're pretty sure these wouldn't stand up in a modern court, but considering that they're signed in blood..."

There was also a great scene when one of the party members, upon going to bed, found a letter on her pillow, addressed to her, that had been posted a year and a half ago. For clarification, this party member had never been to Hood Manor before.

JohnnyCancer
2014-04-07, 06:49 PM
Playtesting a total conversion of Pathfinder. We're on our second round of characters and by luck of the roll, we end up playing a group of idiots. The group's smartest character is rocking an INT of 11. So we end up playing like amoral frat dudebros, but we're remorseful if confronted with the consequences of our deeds. Case in point, while competing with another team of adventurers to clear rust monsters from a mine, we sabotage their trail markers to lead them into the main nest. Later we return and have a good guffaw when we find them mostly destroyed and we can handily steal the credit. Then we find a survivor unconscious and in the negatives. We pull out all the stops to rescue and heal him. He discovers that one of his friends left them to die and murders him in a rage, and our characters wrack their pea brains to devise a defense for him in court to get him off scott free, and generally slave away for our new friends approval.

Alex12
2014-04-07, 08:39 PM
So the party is on an airship that had a bomb blow up some important parts (not the party's fault!) and is going down. It's going to crash and kill everyone on board, and the only way to survive is to have a parachute and jump. The party has the last parachutes on board (they were in an area that had been rendered dangerous by the explosion).

Due to having used summons to get the parachutes to relative safety, I was carrying two of them. We're about to jump, and we've got more than enough parachutes. Everyone in the party has one, and we've got some spares. So I toss one of them to some random NPC who is preparing for death.

The DM looks at me and goes "That was considerate of you."

What makes this hilarious is that I'm a Necropolitan Dread Necromancer shooting for Tainted Scholar. I Necropolitan'd myself and see it as an entirely positive thing. I cheerfully cast [Evil] spells, my Mother Cyst is where my heart used to be, and I could all-around be accurately described as "evil-tolerant at best." And even though I'm in a party with people who are by and large less evil than I am, some of whom have spare parachutes of their own, I'm the only one who tried to save someone else's life.

Vertharrad
2014-04-08, 01:09 AM
Her is 2 stories about the unpredictability of players. In the first I'm DM in the second I'm a player.

I was DMing 2 of my favorite 3e modules about 5+ years ago - Tomb of Abysthor and Rappan Athuk Reloaded. I had initially added a martial DMPC(with the approval and consent of the players) and the party had gotten large enough to take him out of the picture. When the party gets to town He recieves a letter from his "tribe" detailing their troubles and asking him to return. The party had been having a problem with another players character of which I had come up with a way to get rid of. This NG 1/2 silverdragon Brb/Rog/Marshal was being a real problem enough that the players were getting fed up. At the time that the DMPC lets the party knows that he must leave the 1/2 dragon decides to go along and help. It almost floored the whole room. I wasn't expecting him to do this. It is funny that before any thing in game could be done he switches characters. Whats funnier is that the problem was a vampire and the 2 characters show up later as a moderately difficult encounter set right after a tough fight...


The other time is more recent...last thursday. I'm playing a elven rgr in a friends Kingmaker campaign being run at a FLGS(he has changed some things to keep OOC knowledge from wrecking the game). And theres a CN aasimar ftr/clr(of Gorum?) that rubs the ranger the wrong way. After the previous session I set up with the GM to have my character "exit stage left" when they got back to Olegs trading post. Seeing that wasn't going to happen any time soon the GM had us come across the werewolf. The aasimar, my life oracle, and the court bard Gevim Sortova(PC) approach him seeing him injured. Seeing the 2 roll heal checks I just had my oracle cast cure light. We cured him to full. It's only when the guy has left that the story he gave us falls apart(dire wolves attacked him) when the aasimar says that he had sword wounds on him. My ranger decides to track him stealthily and tells the rest of the party to continue their exploring. Thats when the aasimar follows my ranger. It was a shock to me and the DM. The DM had to tell him by IM or e-mail that he was sent back to the party after finding it's lair. Now isn't that funny?


Just goes to show you players will do funny and unexpected things. The first story I think was intentionally done by the player, the second was unintended I'm sure(I'm pretty sure the player was just playing his character).

Drake2009
2014-04-13, 12:47 AM
WASSUP EVERYBODY?! IM BACK AND IM TIRED TOO! this story is rather short, so dont worry. Basicly my group was fighting some baddies. a super boss gnoll (Like things bear sized gnoll) and 2 other smaller gnolls (still bear sized). I (the paladin) an elemental and the bard are taking out the 2 smaller gnolls. the boss is running at the halfling cleric (who is up some stairs. He pushes off the hyena, frightens the barbarians and stops. The barbarian (bless his soul) has the idea to run away USING THE HALFLING. He actually grabs the halfling and the mage and jumps off the stairs. The halfing feather fall ring kicks in and they float down. Of course the mage (being a mage) falls flat on his butt and has to get up from prone. But it gave us enough time to kill the 2 gnolls and run to the bigger one. Sadly that was the end of that session. Bard didnt like being a bard! but now we started a new one! tomb raiding but legal! and we named our group... The Order of The Dire Corgie! yeah thats right! we have a gnomish cavalier and he rides a dire corgie... pretty fun so far. havent done much though. Although the halfling rogue did pick some pockets, get caught and then proceeded to get a natural 20 bluff check and run after the fake pickpocket... And I the gnomish mage. ran through the crowd and yelled (GET ON WITH IT) while the high priest was making a long and boring speech ( Rules blah blah blah blah dont do blah blah blah) then i got silenced by some inquisitors... I WAS EVEN MOVING THROUGH THE CROWD TO AVOID DETECTION! it was pretty hilarious though...

Edit: oh and i also made a bet with the monk that id go first in combat... he has a plus 13 initiative while mine is plus 8. Needless to say i lost that bet... sorta counting on his TERRIBLE ROLLS to help... seriously i think nearly half of his rolls are below ten...

AvalancheHurler
2014-04-19, 11:21 AM
Didn't experience this personally, but heard about it from a friend.

Charaters:

Half-orc barbarian
Halfling rogue
Half-elf monk
Human wizard
Dwarf cleric

They were supposed to sneak into this castle, but the barbarian wasn't exactly stealthy. The wizard used his familiar (a weasel or a rat or something) to scout it out. Inside the guard house were a few guys playing cards, shouldn't be too much of a problem. Well, the wizard gets this look.

Wizard: How big is the room?
DM: About 15 feet square.
Wizard: I cast silence on the barbarian (used some feat to extend the area of effect to a 20 foot radius)

Barbarian then crashes through the door, kills the guards, actually beats one of them to death with the table they were sitting at.

And voila. They infiltrated the castle without alerting anyone to their presence.

Stromveil
2014-04-19, 09:12 PM
Didn't experience this personally, but heard about it from a friend.

Charaters:

Half-orc barbarian
Halfling rogue
Half-elf monk
Human wizard
Dwarf cleric

They were supposed to sneak into this castle, but the barbarian wasn't exactly stealthy. The wizard used his familiar (a weasel or a rat or something) to scout it out. Inside the guard house were a few guys playing cards, shouldn't be too much of a problem. Well, the wizard gets this look.

Wizard: How big is the room?
DM: About 15 feet square.
Wizard: I cast silence on the barbarian (used some feat to extend the area of effect to a 20 foot radius)

Barbarian then crashes through the door, kills the guards, actually beats one of them to death with the table they were sitting at.

And voila. They infiltrated the castle without alerting anyone to their presence.

This sounds like the time when my fighter's strength was temporarily 25 (AD&D 2e). What happened was I was enchanted by one of the strongest wizards in the land and asked to destroy a gigantic orc village. I conquested through with my buddies, but first attacked their town hall. We decided to be stealthy, but I was feeling like destroying some orcs. I ended up kicking an orc, he flew through the door, killed the one other orc in the room. I then proclaimed "See! There is nobody around that would know what happened!" Not too funny but thought I should say!

megabyter5
2014-04-19, 10:05 PM
I haven't posted on this forum in a long time, but this just happened in an online Pathfinder game and my first instinct was to find this thread.

We're running Godsmouth Heresy, and I'm playing my Bones Oracle. The first undead we run into is a pair of festrogs. One of them gets killed in one shot by another party member, and then I use my Undead Servitude revelation. So, for the rest of the adventure, I have a pet undead thingamajig.

Later, we run into the boss fight, who is a sixth level character with two zombies as pets. Considering that I'm the only level two alongside three level ones, this seems like it would be pretty dang challenging, right?

The GM starts singing, "Do you wanna have a boss fiiiiight?", and we roll initiative.

My festrog, who we had nicknamed Hungry, went first. He charges at the boss with a bite attack, which gives him a free trip maneuver. The boss is prone, and suddenly it was time for him to say hello to the party fighter's Earthbreaker.

The boss is only able to drink a mutagen before he goes down, and as the party goes about mopping up the zombie minions he left behind, I respond to the GM.

"It doesn't have to be a boss fight..."

Defiled Cross
2014-04-20, 02:59 PM
My cousin was playing a Human Fighter who he envisioned and scribed as the bastion of all adventurers..

..unfortunately he seemed to suffer from a momentary bout of dyslexia when filling out his character sheet.

Instead of being six feet and two inches tall, he was two feet and six inches tall.

Upon discovery, the description of his arrival to the town of Tharn naturally changed from one of awe, to one of hilarity.

:smallbiggrin:

TeChameleon
2014-04-20, 06:04 PM
So I just did one of the weekend one-offs that my group occasionally runs through. Thus far, they've all been... basically side-stories... to the main plot; we'll run a group (often themed in some fashion) through a short adventure that will somehow tie into the main campaign.

The group this time was intended to be stealth-heavy, with a certain emphasis on skill challenges. I had been tinkering with the character builder a while back and had created an Assassin that had an utterly absurd stealth score- 27 Stealth at level 16- so I decided to dust him off and see if I could fit him in. One of the cornerstones of the build was a variety of abilities that were gained by being in dim light/darkness, so I had bought an Enshrouding Candle to make sure I always had some dim light handy.

The problem was, I was having trouble figuring out how he would carry the thing. Candles, even magic ones, aren't really known for being handy to try and carry in hand-to-hand combat conditions, and my DM had already let me know that he would gleefully use that against me whenever possible. All the stopgap solutions I tried were shot down for one reason or another, until I hit upon a brainstorm. Well, brain drizzle, at least. I'd taken Soul Thief as my paragon path (we kept running into Rakshasa, and I wanted the bastards to stay dead), and I figured that ripping out people's souls and then using those to kill other people would probably mess with your head a bit.

So my assassin went from being a relatively nondescript dragonborn to being massively tall and heavily scarred, with ash-grey scales, a propensity for ringwraith-style heavy black hooded cloaks, and an Enshrouding Candle implanted directly into his skull where his left eye used to be. And thus Paik... who pronounced his name to rhyme with either 'lake' or 'pike', depending on my mood... the crazed assassin, was born.

Our party was officially employed by a local lord, but for a series of complicated reasons, were actually trying quite hard to sabotage him, without losing our status of being more-or-less trusted by him. We had bailed out on our official mission to pursue our actual goal, an artifact hidden in an old, but still active, temple.

The problem was that we had discovered where the artifact was by breaking into the lord's office and reading his files, so of course he already had men there. Rather a lot of men, actually. The other members of the party were searching the temple a little desperately under cover of night, hoping to find the artifact without the enemy forces knowing we had been there.

Paik, on the other hand, had different ideas.

Paik wandered off on his own, using his ludicrous stealth skills and wide variety of ways to become invisible to avoid attracting attention. He stealthed into the enemy camp, and there the DM left me hanging while he dealt with the rest of the party quietly and hurriedly scrambling through the small temple,

Once that was done, everybody was rather curious as to what I was going to do. Much to no-one's surprise, given Paik's profession, I had him slip into the boss' tent and slit his throat. The DM was just telling me to roll stealth again to get out of the camp when I announced that Paik wasn't leaving yet. Paik proceeded to hide the boss' body, and then used a couple of magic items to assume the form of the enemy boss and create what looked like the dead body of a changeling.

Then he erupted from the tent, roaring "Changelings! They've infiltrated and we're under attack, boys!" while throwing the 'dead body' out into the firelight. One successful bluff roll later, and the enemy camp degenerated into utter mayhem. Paik gleefully skipped out, pausing only to sow a little further confusion by giving a few people contradictory passwords on the way out.

Shift scene back to the rest of the party, who have gathered at the entrance of the temple and are staring towards the burning chaos in the distance with some consternation. The party leader says "That doesn't look good. I wonder if..." and then Paik popped back into visibility with a deranged grin full of fangs and a bloody weapon. "... ah."

GHammy
2014-04-30, 07:19 AM
I was going to type out a load of funny stories but there are too many to be bothered to type.

Fortunately we have actually been recording our past 4e campaign called scales of war if anyone would be interested in listening to them. I have had quite a few friends listen to them in the past few months and they have found them quite fun.

Anyways, just let me know if you want me to and if not I’ll just go about typing them up on here for your amusement.

Thanks,
G

illyahr
2014-04-30, 11:45 AM
This happened a while ago in a 3.5 game I was DMing. Group is raiding an orc cave and come across the warchief. Seeing that the dude has a Fullblade so, of course, our 1/2 orc barbarian wants it. Our wizard casts reduce person on the warchief and he fails his save so he is no longer big enough to use his weapon and resorts to unarmed strikes. Our barbarian, wanting to show off charges and attempts to kick the warchief away from the weapon. He provokes an attack of opportunity. I declare that, since he is half sized, he makes a called uppercut to the barbarian's groin. Threatens critical, confirms critical, deals max damage (14 nonlethal, had a STR of 20) and the barbarian is stunned on the ground as he attempts to collect himself.

turbo164
2014-05-03, 10:17 AM
This happened a while ago in a 3.5 game I was DMing. Group is raiding an orc cave and come across the warchief. Seeing that the dude has a Fullblade so, of course, our 1/2 orc barbarian wants it. Our wizard casts reduce person on the warchief and he fails his save so he is no longer big enough to use his weapon and resorts to unarmed strikes. Our barbarian, wanting to show off charges and attempts to kick the warchief away from the weapon. He provokes an attack of opportunity. I declare that, since he is half sized, he makes a called uppercut to the barbarian's groin. Threatens critical, confirms critical, deals max damage (14 nonlethal, had a STR of 20) and the barbarian is stunned on the ground as he attempts to collect himself.

Reduce and Enlarge Person both modify the target's equipment as well.

illyahr
2014-05-05, 11:59 AM
Reduce and Enlarge Person both modify the target's equipment as well.

I fudged it a little as the group hadn't found their battle rythm yet. Besides, it was funny. :smallsmile:

Ike [Jgraten]
2014-05-31, 11:07 PM
I started last November and it was my first time ever playing anything like D&D, I thought it would be easier to roll a human barbarian [Ike; Chaotic neutral] both personality wise and character sheet wise. Less to keep track of. In our campaign we rolled for our characteristics as well, I happened to roll 16 years old, 235 lbs, and 6'1 tall. The barbarian is a f*cking Olympic athlete...
A friend rolled a human rogue and ended up at 17 years old, [True neutral] and the other 3 chose lawful good. The rogue tried convincing them he could drink mead and that it didn't matter that he was 17, he kept bugging them and they finally threatened to knock him out if he didn't shut up. I walked up to the counter and took a stool next to them as this took place and ordered a drink. The Paladin, Wizard, and Druid all looked at me annoyed and the paladin asked how old I was.
"16, why?"
"You're not old enough to drink in these parts. It's illegal"
Knowing they know my guy is f*cking huge I say; "Do you really think you could stop me if you tried?" I then chug my mead and the wizard's.
.
.
.
I also decided to spice up his bland personality to get more into roleplaying, so I decided Ike would hate small characters. Any race that is, on average, smaller than the average height of a human, Ike will dislike them.

One night we're traveling along a wide open dirt road on a plain during rain season. Our group hears yelling, metal clashing, and sees some bright golden light in the distance a couple hundred of feat away. Without hesitation or conversation we all rush headlong towards the commotion, they riding horses, I running.... faster than the horses....
I am the first to reach the commotion, I notice a lone heavily armored Dwarf cleric fighting a band of goblins, IKE HATES SMALL CREATURES. Ike continues his run, charging into the group with my Orc Double-Axe ready and makes a strength check to pick up the goblin and SMACK THE GOBLIN INTO THE DWARF'S ARMOR. K.O. The goblin is unconscious. Next the paladin arrives charging on horseback and swings his longsword at another goblin but JUST nicks his ear, barely missing his head on what would have been a devastating blow. He hasn't killed a thing yet in the campaign and becomes demotivated, he dismounts his horse and takes a some mead from the satchel on its side, sits on his ass, raises his sword and cheers before taking a large swig. I throw a live wriggling goblin onto his sword as he drinks.
.
.
.
.
Later the paladin is replaced by a rogue who is replaced by a warrior that happens to be a dwarf. Not fun. To alleviate the problems that arise from me roleplaying Ike as a hater of short races I had to come up with a way Ike could respect the dwarf. Naturally that would be only a fist fight and a drinking competition. One day after adventuring Ike sets out to find the dwarf at his race's tavern in our current town. He walks in and shouts "SHORTY McREDBEARD! SHOW YOURSELF YOU DUMB LITTLE DWARF!" Of course this is a bad idea to say in a dwarven tavern. Zokag Emberbeard turns on his stool, waves, shouts "HELLO THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?!" "No, I want to trounce you in a mead drinking contest to prove just how being bigger is better you dumb dwarf!" "Well okay then! Let's drink boy-o!"
We proceed to drink ourselves into oblivion, we each have a BARREL of mead. Ike finishes his barrel first but he falls out of his stool unconscious as he finishes. Zokag finishes not even a second later but he manages to put his barrel down on the counter before he puts a dent in the wooden floor when he falls unconscious.

Another paladin we met along the way wakes us up the next morning around 4 am on the side of the tavern literally in a pig's sty, covered in mud, ****, and hay sticking out of that and our armor. Technically Ike isn't even fully awake, Ike is suffering from alcohol poisoning [severe negative added to my rolls] for several hours. and is still technically unconscious. The paladin had talked to the clergy in the town and made arrangements for some to join us and help load a large amount of dead onto some wagons to bring them back and bury them properly [they were recently animated by an evil necromancer, who we defeated, for an undead army] The paladin and the dwarf load me onto the back of a wagon and we travel for a couple hours to the evil church we conquered the previous evening. When we arrive the dwarven clerics noticed that some of the undead were still moving, and they were actually loading other corpses onto each other in piles for easy work. One of our group members fancies necromancy and found a wand of animate dead and used it to speed the work up, but the clerics are very clearly against this. [btw the clerics are armored and armed well.] Even though Ike is drunk and has no skill in diplomacy at all he speaks up from the back end of the wagon he's laying in, his head actually going just over the back of the wagon so he sees everyone upside down. "Ahehhhh.... dwarsh shuse leafs... hic." I knew I would have a hard time roleplaying an alcohol poisoned barbarian diplomacy attempt, because he needed to be crude and unintelligible. After a couple more slurred nothings the dm asks out of character what I'm trying to say and says that they'll need to roll a listen check to see if they can understand what I'm getting at. I tell him I'm trying to convince the clerics that our group will use the wand for good purposes, in defense of others and ourselves, and if the wizard tries otherwise we will handle it ourselves. The DM rolls for the clerics and he mentions they will understand the gist of my message, but I still have to deliver it. So I roll, and I take a -2 penalty to everything due to the alcohol, I roll a natural 20 and the clerics who were about to go to town on our wizard/wizard who was about to shoot a fireball at their group/Ike who was about to let himself fall out of the wagon to fight the clerics [because taking something from his friend is wrong (and he hates shorties)] all stop. The clerics say "Well... Okay then." Ike falls out of the wagon. Our wizard smiles and puts the wand away. Our group promptly bursts into laughter.

imaloony
2014-06-01, 08:59 PM
So I just finished the first session of a new Pathfinder game. In it, we're playing a group of individuals who are starting work for this guild. Our first mission, to gain entrance to the guild, is a simple one: Go to a city, meet up with the informant of the guild there, and help to get a hostage out of the city and back to the guild. Simple enough, right?
Our party consists of a Human Paladin, a Dwarven Cleric, a Drow Rogue, and a Human Gunslinger (Me).
We travel for almost two weeks to get to this city, and find that it's a Socialistic nightmare of a city (The DM got the idea from Arstotzka from "Papers, Please"), and without our guild identification (Which we don't have yet because we're currently doing the interview) we're forced to bribe our way into the city.
So, what's the problem? Well, The Guild doesn't have an official branch here. They're recognized, but only just, and without our identification, we're technically here illegally, which already got us run out of a government organization with a bunch of guards on our tail.
On top of that, we completely forgot the day we were supposed to meet the informant. We show up a day early by mistake, accidentally tip our target off, and as a result, I find myself with our informant surrounded by guards. The rest of the party is nearby and the target is here, but we're outnumber 2-to-1, so the informant and I decide to take a dive into a canyon below.
We get out of the river, and the informant chews me out while I change the powder in my musket. We eventually decide that while it would be safer to take the long way back to the city, we need to take a more direct route, as our party isn't in the best of state (The Drow, being pretty much the only drow in the city, is already known as a criminal and is being hunted), and we decide to climb our asses out of the canyon. I have a grappling hook, but I used my rope to get down to the canyon more easily in my escape and am now left without it. The informant happens to have a shorter rope; not much, but enough to do the job. We climb most of the way up the cliff very carefully, and at the top, I manage to hook the grappling hook (While hanging from one hand no less!) and I let the informant climb up first before I follow him up. Before I make it up, he comes flying back over the edge as someone pushes him, disappearing into the river below (Current status unknown) and someone starts to nudge the grappling hook off of its ledge. Thinking quickly, I draw my musket with one hand (Being a level 1 gunslinger and a Musket Master to boot, it's all I've got) and make a doppler-effect-ish scream that makes it sound like I'm falling. The guard, to my satisfaction, peeks his head over the edge to see if I've fallen, and I fire the musket one handed right into his smug face (The DM gave me less of a penalty than he should have, but given my roll, the fact that it was against his Touch and that he was probably flat footed, I still probably would have hit even with the right penalty) and successfully dodge his falling body before swinging up, reloading, and scaring his buddy off with the business end of my noisemaker. I drop the grappling hook back into the canyon, unfortunately unable to go down to see if the informant made it, but willing to give him a chance to escape again.

So, fast forward to when I've reunited with the group: The guards now know my face, but since I'm an shady looking human in a city full of shady looking humans, I change my outfit a bit, which should keep me from being recognized. We kill some time while seeing if our buddy made it (Still haven't seen hide nor hair of him). I mix some new black powder (Since most of my powder was ruined with the dip I took), and, unsurprisingly, the Drow gets himself captured by the city guard.
He wakes up in a cell and manages to escape his cell and find most of his gear, killing a guard in the process. Unfortunately, the entrance is guarded. So he high tails it back to the store room where he found his gear with the plan to try and make some sort of smokescreen as a distraction to slip out of the entrance. However, in the store room he finds a bunch of unlabeled potions and a cauldron and gets a really bad idea.
He lights a fire, dumps all the potions into the cauldron. That right there probably should have been the end of it, but it surprisingly doesn't explode. And then, this happens.
Drow: "So, the corpse of that guard is still in here, right?"
DM: "Yeah, you hid it but you can dig it out of the pile of armor you left it in."
Drow: "Right. I cut off one of his hands and drop it into the potion."
DM: "Uhhh... it starts to bubble and glow."
Drow: "I cut off his other hand and put it into the cauldron."
DM: "UHHHH... it bubbles and glows even more."
Drow: "I cut off his head and put it into the cauldron."
DM: "... You hear a voice that says 'The sacrifice has been accepted, the deal has been completed,' and a grotesque looking monstrosity crawls out of the pot and asks what your bidding is."
Me: "Hey, the Drow was Chaotic Neutral, right?"
DM: "Yeah, not anymore he's not. Mark yourself as Chaotic Evil, buddy."
The Drow then realizes there's only one sensible option left: Order the demon to kill all the guards blocking his way.
Did I mention that there's still a Paladin in the party?
Anyways, that works, and the demon drags all the corpses back to the cauldron. The Drow checks the pot out and sees it has turned into a clear water that reflects the image of the guards when he looks into it. Naturally, he brings the pot along with him and sell the contents to thirsty miners outside of the city.
After the miners start exploding, he had difficulty selling his concoction, so he head back to the gate to try to get back into the city.
Drow: "I follow the Gunslinger's example that got us into the city last time and slip the guard ten gold pieces so he'll let me in. Oh, and I offer him a drink."
DM: "Yeah... the guard immediately recognizes you as the criminal Drow. The same one that was arrested and found missing in the prison massacre that was discovered while you were busy torturing those miners. He locks the gate in front of you and behind you, and twelve guards step out of side gates to apprehend you."
To be fair, the Drow went out in a blaze of glory, throwing the Horribly Unholy Water at the guards, killing five of them outright. However, the DM ruled that the most powerful Clerics and Paladins in the employ of the city had been brought in after they realized that demonic power had been used at the prison, and the 5th level Paladin cut the Drow down with little difficulty.
I was almost in the fetal position by the time it was over.

Ike [Jgraten]
2014-06-02, 12:06 PM
Sir, your pathfinder story with the cliff & musket surprise blow, the rogue summoning that demon and going out in a blaze of glory... is fantastic. Thank you for sharing.

Ferkelschwert
2014-06-02, 12:07 PM
Each time I come across one of these threads I feel obligated to tell this story, from the first 3.5 campaign I ever played.

A fort had been taken over by goblinoids, and we were dispatched to rout them and reclaim the property. Once we slew the goblins guarding the entrance and made it into the front hall, we made for a door off to the eastern side. As it turned out, something on the other side was blocking it off, and it wouldn't open. Several minutes were spent trying to force it open to no avail.

The commotion attracted a hobgoblin in the nearby room, who opened the door from a bloodied and battered dining room and demanded to know what the fuss was about. Our barbarian tries to coerce the big guy out of combat using Diplomacy. The cleric I was playing, being CG, took a more unorthodox approach: "We're selling these fine leather jackets..."

I made a bluff roll.

20.

"How much?" asks the hobgoblin.

Luckily, my cleric's got some studded leather armor on her, and she manages to successfully pawn it off. The hobgoblins, pleased with their purchase and having had their fill, pile out of the fortress one by one. Encounter over, and neither side had to lift a finger. To this day, I still don't know how I pulled that one off.

----

There was also that time the DM threw us up against Pazuzu, and our ranger basically held him down so the aforementioned barbarian could make demon-paste out of him. Poor guy didn't get one attack in. The flunkies took longer to dispose of than the actual boss.

imaloony
2014-06-02, 04:21 PM
;17564001']Sir, your pathfinder story with the cliff & musket surprise blow, the rogue summoning that demon and going out in a blaze of glory... is fantastic. Thank you for sharing.

The best part was that NONE of this was supposed to happen. At all. Us forgetting when we were supposed to meet the informant really threw the DM for a loop. He told us that the mission was supposed to have gone off without a hitch. Never underestimate player characters who ignore exposition.

Drake2009
2014-06-09, 03:05 PM
Ok, i got a pretty funny short one here. My group is going into an abandoned house and getting terrified by a ghost mob thingie... We finally calm the monk down and head into the next room. My gnome sees a pool filled with sand, and while everyone is talking about where to go he takes the rogues advice. "ok, im gonna go dig in the sand!" Immediately he gets attacked by a giant bug, which we proceed to take down. As soon as were done i say "well ok then... I'm gonna keep digging!" unfortunately my party dragged me out...

Also, on an unrelated note, i got bit by a rolly polly and have shown signs of bug powers! and this is out of game! cause im insane!!

FidgetySquirrel
2014-06-10, 06:19 PM
In my 3rd ever 3.5 campaign, my brother was playing a rogue named Tycho. He convinced the DM to let him take the assassin class w/o changing alignment to evil, since he was deliberately trying to infiltrate an assassin's guild to gather intel for the authorities.

We eventually arrived in a city called Goldhall, or something. The DM described the wizard-guards robes well enough, gold with a scarlet trim. Tycho had learned that the guild, the Blackhawks, were based out of the city, and went looking for them.

He saw a shady fellow turn down an alleyway, and followed. The alley was a dead end, and the man had disappeared. This conversation followed.

Tycho: I take 20 on a search check.

DM: Okay. After a moment you hear someone ask you what you're doing in a rather concerned voice.

Tycho: I turn around.

DM: You see a man in gold robes with a scarlet trim, he says "Well? What are you doing?"

Tycho: "I WISH TO JOIN THE BLACKHAWKS!"

Me: *facepalm* Are you f***ing kidding!?

DM: "Oh, do ya, now? Come with me, then."

Not surprisingly, Tycho got thrown in prison. Then, just as I came up with a convoluted plan to free him, the friggin' blackhawks beat me to it!:smallmad:

Lord_Nitekon
2014-06-13, 12:38 PM
Not exactly how funny this will or won't be. It is humorous now that I look back on it.

So the story goes that after an extended run within a dungeon our party is on its way back to town to report its findings, but it still is on a rush from the last battle and wanting more to do. The DM who had nothing planned at the time came up with a brilliant idea that would bane our party for quite some time before it became an old gag. These adventures usually happen between a larger story arc and appeared in several campaign settings.

At the side of the road we see a sign that reads in big bold letters "PIG FARMER NEEDS HELP!" So naturally the party goes to assist with this. It turns out this little old man was having issues with a group of kobolds messing with his pigs and asks us to deal with them. Okay easy we go deal with the kobolds.

Adventure adventure. Look another sign "PIG FARMER NEEDS HELP!"

Same pig farmer. Different problem. Now they are giant kobolds and are messing with his pigs stealing them and what not. We go deal with them and come back get rewarded.

Adventure adventure. There's that sign again.

Now he has issues with Lizard men. Now we begin to see a pattern here. This goes on and on each time it starts with problem X and then next visit it becomes problem X(2). Eventually the pig farmer begins to think we are the problem and every time we show up begins to accuse us of sending the monsters against his farm. At one time he even accused our party Spellcaster of cursing him. The worst part is his farm seemed to move. Not sure how but it always showed up between adventures to mess with us. Each time becoming something trivial to us but life threatening to the farmer and his pigs.

Fenreed
2014-06-25, 12:46 PM
I once ran a session in a homebrew system where the party was traveling by airship and were assaulted by buxom sky-pirate ladies (their request). The sky pirates proceeded to fail every DEX check to board their ship and half of them ended up falling to their deaths. Those that did make it over didn't put up much of a fight, but one managed to plant a bomb in the players' ship.

The players' response? Board the pirate ship and commandeer it as their own. I had to totally restructure the plot of the rest of the game, but it was so worth it.

Only one of the sky-bimbos survived this encounter and was later made into a PC who now roams dimensions having other ridiculous accidental adventures.

Hexapuma
2014-06-26, 05:22 AM
So I'd just joined a game of Fading Suns playing an Engineer with Psi powers who'd signed on with a Decados noble looking for his father... We were looking for the Decados' father, not mine.

Anyway I'm keeping the Psi powers under wraps as there are some rather fire-happy priests in the Noble's retinue when we begin exploring what appears to be a curious derelict ship with a Honking Great Cannon on the front. It turns out that the ship has been messed with by Sybiote agents who've taken control of the computers. We finally realise this in the engineering section as we notice the engines charging up the main gun's reaction core. We're not sure if the gun's going to blow up and take us and our ship with it or if it's supposed to fire at the Jump-Ring it happens to be pointing at so the Noble instructs me to do something about it and evacuates everyone else from the ship...

So my character's standing there, wondering if he can force the thrusters to fire and swing the gun wide and then fire it, generating a miss, or if he can stop the charging process when I suddenly have a brilliant idea and plunge my character's hands into the guts of the systems. Vis Drain. With enough points, capable of draining the power from a Symbiote World Egg. I rolled a critical success and the gun made like a puppy, rolled over and played dead.

There's no real guidance in the books as to how to roleplay something like that so when the Noble called up on the radio and asked what the hell had happened I had to ad-lib a good lie while acting like I'd just chugged ten double espressos!

This was actually pretty early on in the game. What makes it even funnier is later, I'd become an integral member of the team and we were sneaking up on a castle when we were jumped by a horde of little demonic creatures. I decided to use Vis Storm (I was more-or-less 'Out' by this point) to fry them all but ended up failing and dropping the storm on our own party's heads!

My Psi powers have never worked as well as they did that first time.

Atnuul
2014-06-27, 11:39 AM
The very first group I DMed for were all inexperienced players who had never really played a long-running D&D game before, but by the time this story takes place, they were more or less perfect optimizers through their own experience (except the ranger, who managed to suck intensely hard despite being the most experienced).

Cast:
My younger brother, Aratar, a Fighter 4/Barbarian 3/Bear Warrior 2
My best friend, Rilitor, a Cleric 7/ Radiant Servant of Valiar, a homebrew sky-deity
Rinzler, a 9th Sorcerer
Elros, an 8th Ranger

So, they were in a nation of Gnomes who are, humorously, nomadic. They were on a path through the dense tropical forest these Gnomes inhabit when they happened across a group which was preparing to move camp, but some other Gnomes nearby had pillaged the foodstuffs they had intended to use on the move, and asked the party to retrieve them.

They arrive at the rival camp a few miles away, and they scope it out. Turns out the foodstuffs are visible, but guarded by some dozen or more Gnomes with about 4 PC levels each (I had to make this really challenging, else this group would knock it out of the park. For reference, the fighter soloed a CR 6 hydra when he was just Fighter 4/Barb 1, and dropped it in about 4 rounds with minimal damage taken. I have no idea how he did it). The Sorcerer decides that he has a brilliant idea.

Naturally, I have a house rule that states that you can only polymorph someone into a creature you've seen before, as that's only reasonable. However, a level prior, they had encountered a stone giant, and naturally the Sorcerer polymorphs the fighter into one. In less than ten rounds, via fireballs and mad club-swinging and copious amounts of natural 20s (I actually checked my brother's die to make sure it wasn't loaded), they utterly decimate every last gnome present. The stone giant character then scoops up the party in one arm, and goods in another, and the Sorcerer promptly casts Fly on him. He basically goes Iron-Giant and supermans all the way back to the first camp, and after calculating his fly speed, he made it back with precisely one round to spare with his polymorph spell. If that had run out, well, he would have had to drop the group or die.

euart
2014-07-06, 07:45 PM
My own funny D&D experience happened when I was first starting out. We had to assassinate this guy because of a war brewing between two factions and we were hired to help bring this province over to one side.

The king of this place needed killing so me, the Ranger, decided I would climb to the balcony and shoot him however I failed completely and I was caught by the guards. Our first plan foiled but never fear we had another one ready.

Our groups leader was decided to try and bluff his way into the kitchens, he failed and was caught.

Our last plan was our two tanks went in broke off two chair legs and bludgeoned him to death.

This was followed by our daring escape which went pretty well over all.

Ike [Jgraten]
2014-07-12, 05:12 PM
My own funny D&D experience happened when I was first starting out. We had to assassinate this guy because of a war brewing between two factions and we were hired to help bring this province over to one side.

The king of this place needed killing so me, the Ranger, decided I would climb to the balcony and shoot him however I failed completely and I was caught by the guards. Our first plan foiled but never fear we had another one ready.

Our groups leader was decided to try and bluff his way into the kitchens, he failed and was caught.

Our last plan was our two tanks went in broke off two chair legs and bludgeoned him to death.

This was followed by our daring escape which went pretty well over all.

This is great, I find it extraordinarily funny and rare that you guys had two back up plans too.

Havelocke
2014-07-19, 04:11 PM
Several funny stories over two decades of RPG's, college group consisted of several veteran players and two or three newbies. One of the newbies was playing female dwarven fighter type. Group was big, about 8 pc's if I remember right. I cannot remember the rest of the group but the plot was to stop evil necromancer and his army of undead from doing whatever he wanted. Our group set up an ambush in some woods. Casters in the back, my often crazy ranger was up a tree ready to drop down on the necromancer, but we needed a diversion. Our rogue remembered that he had a potion of giant growth from the crazy gnomish alchemist back in town, lets have the female dwarf get huge, and trample the front ranks of the undead horde! While they are doing that, my ranger can leap from his perch and cut down the necromancer, sounded good on paper at least.

Complication 1: I rarely roll over a 10 on a d20, EVER

Complication 2: The potion had an side effect, the character's gear does not turn "giant" with them.

So, the Dwarf drinks the potion, turns into a 30 foot naked female (and VERY embarrassed) dwarf standing in the middle of the road. Since the dwarf "growing" was my cue to attack, I leap (acrobatics check) and fail miserably. I fall out of the tree right in front of the necromancer who ignores me since he is staring slack jawed at a 30 foot naked female dwarf attempting to cover herself and failing miserably. The party could not continue after that, laughter is too infectious.

tomandtish
2014-07-20, 11:25 AM
So I’m DMing a game. The party is fighting against a flying ship controlled by an evil mage (back in 2e days). They are losing and down to the party mage and a halfling fighter. Mage casts rope trick to buy some time to try and heal the unconscious party members. Enemy mage is sniping at them from a porthole of the ship.

Halfling: “I’m going to grab the rope and swing into the porthole “.
Me: “That’s going to be pretty difficult”.
Halfling (with a strange look on his face): “Shouldn’t be too hard. I’ll give it a try”.

He rolls a natural 20.

Me: “OK, you swing through the porthole, knocking the mage out of the way. You have initiative, what do you do?”
Halfling (with eyes widening): “I attack”!

Two rounds later, the Halfling has killed the mage and the party is healed up.

As we are walking home that night, the halfling’s player looks over at me and says “So, when I said portal (as in the rope trick), you thought I said porthole?”

I chased him for five blocks, and he’s laughing all the way….

DontEatRawHagis
2014-07-25, 11:28 AM
Wizard
Fighter
Thief
Cleric x 2

It should be noted I use Facebook chat to allow players to hide what they do from other players.

Thief: I pick pocket the Fighter (roll 25)
GM(me): Fighter roll perception.
Fighter: okay (roll 21, good enough to see hiding Goblins but not notice the pick pocket)
Gm: you see goblins hiding as snowmen.
Thief: how much?
Gm: 5 gold.

After goblin fight.
Fight: how much do they have?
GM: 5 gold surprisingly you are missing 5 gold.
Fighter: you stole from me! (Point to thief)
Wizard: maybe the goblins are charmed to fill with the gold of the person who killed them.
Fighter: is that possible?
GM: maybe?
Wizard: For the sake of the party let it be true.

Marlwyn
2014-08-01, 01:24 PM
Hey Playground. I love reading these threads of funny stories. I'm a long time reader, but finally decided to register so I could share a few of my own stories. *throws them on the pile*

This story happened a while ago in our current campaign. I'm playing a halfling rogue- a young and gullible halfling rogue. (Flik Farstrider) Chaotic good, doesn't have a malicious bone in his body. And I purposefully have kept his Sense Motive skill absolutely zero'd out- no skill in it whatsover, not even any WIS mod bonus. A friend of mine who is playing a human sorcerer (Morpheus), has a character that is... a bit more devious.

So our starting border town is in the middle of getting invaded by the neighboring country. They're coming in with airships. Our party, wanting to help defend the town, rushes towards the city center where some of the airships made a beeline to. Hiding in an alleyway we find an airship hovering above an open square, with quite a few guards about- more than we think we can handle at our level. From the airship are ropes dangling down, that the enemy troops used to come down to the ground. It looks like most of the enemy are inside the city headquarters, and the airship is relatively vulnerable. We decide we want to try and steal the airship, to either use against the invaders or to get out of there, so Morpheus comes up with an idea.

Morpheus: *rolls a slieight of hand check to steal an empty sack from Flik* *succeeds and Flik doesn't notice*
Morpheus: *casts Alter Self, so he looks like the enemy guards standing in the open area*
Morpheus: "Hey Flik. I've got a plan."
DM: "Did Flik notice Morpheus casting his spell?"
Flik: *rolls a perception check and fails* "No."
DM: "Okay, Flik doesn't know the "guard" is Morpheus. Continue."
Flik: "Hey Mister! What's going on? What plan?"
Morpheus: *holds out the stolen sack* "Get in the bag."
Flik: "Why?"
Morpheus: "It'll be.. fun."
Flik: "Oh. Okay!" *climbs into sack*

The story continues as Morpheus, with a hidden halfling in a bag slung over his back, attempted to bluff his way past the guards and climb up into the airship. This was going fairly well, until he realized with his STR he'd never make it up a 50 ft. long rope while carrying another character. He got out of it with a few more Bluff and Sense Motive rolls between him and the guards, with enough leeway to run away. After we had hidden and were safe again, he lets me out of the bag and we have the following conversation:

Morpheus: "I can't believe you got in the bag."
Flik: "But you said it'd be fun!"

Ever since then, "it'll be fun" has been a recurring phrase in our group. Any time one of the.. less moral.. characters in our party wants to use Flik's rogue skills to their advantage, or to convince him to do something, all they have to do is say "Hey Flik- It'll be fun!" And they've got him hook, line, and sinker.

johnnythexxxiv
2014-08-05, 11:56 AM
I had a pretty good one a couple weeks back.

Our party was on their way to the capital city of our DM's homebrew country and seeing as it was going to be about a week's journey from our location we decided to head over to a small mining town about an hour out of the way to restock on supplies midway through the trek. While we were there, we learned that one of the mineshafts had collapsed just under a week prior (that part is important) and several miners had been trapped in the tunnel. The problem was, the collapse had also woken up a bunch of giant worms, making rescue attempts very dangerous.

Naturally, being the kindish hearted adventurers that we were, we elected to help the citizens for an exorbitant fee. Eventually we dispatch of all the worms and clear out the collapse when the following exchange occurs:

DM: You see a man, huddled in the corner, shaking and covered in blood. Upon seeing the light of your torch tears well in his eyes and he wails uncontrollably as he slowly crawls towards you.
Fighter: There there, it'll be okay, you're safe now. Where are the others?
DM (Rescued Man): *sniff* I...I did what I had to... to... survive....
Fighter: What do you mean?
Rescued Man: Do you know how long I was down here for? I... I couldn't stand the hunger any longer... I'm so sorry... *begins crying again* DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG A PERSON CAN GO WITHOUT FOOD?!
Bard (Me): *completely deadpan* At least three weeks.

We almost had to call the session :smallbiggrin:

Oldmetaking
2014-08-07, 12:29 AM
So here is a little story

First, the players;

Kymis (Quaid): our teifling theif that was raised in a circus

Thortain (Mike): the dwarven warlord/ co-dM

Zeerith (Bryce) the drow shaman/other co-dM

And then there's Brutus, my hill giant barbarian with the ability to throw rock and the inability to speak full sentences.

Starting the game, Kymis got the rest of the group in a bar fight in a town on the edge of the feywilds against several barbarian bandits and their leader. While In the midst of fighting the leader, I notice that Zeerith (who is like a brother to me) gets hit by a club-wielding thug.

So I state "I use throw rock at the
bandit"
Mike: "what rock? There is no rocks nearby"

I realize two distinct things at that moment.

1. He is absolutely right
2. Throw rock means I can throw anything.


So I try to throw the bandit leader.

Mike says that I have to roll twice (1 for the grab and another for the throw)

I get a success on the grab and a nat 20 on the throw.

The bandit looks up to see a 7'11" hill giant throw his leader (who is 1 foot shorter) and knock both down.

I literally broke the group with laughter.


Next time: Brutus, Thortain, and Kymis try to topple a warded caravan, and I get over 3 astral diamonds worth of treasure, at level one.

G4m3rpri3st
2014-08-07, 01:11 AM
Party Composition:

Human Rogue (Solaire)- Me

Half-Orc Barbarian (Ogrok)- My little brother

Elf Ranger (Himo)- One of my friends

My 3rd time ever playing D&d our party was clearing a house in the forest with high stone walls (Kind of a keep) of goblins for this dude so he could have it for a retirement home. About halfway through clearing this we find a room with 2 goblins lying in wait for an ambush. Ogrok so far has proven to have an obsession with ripping doors off their hinges to use as weapons and shields, so he does exactly that as soon as he sees the goblins and fails horribly on his rolls and only succeds in dry humping the door for 4 rounds. As battle starts we kill one goblin no problem and then a goblin gets a lucky crit and insta gibs my Rogue and leaves him at -1 hp. Himo finishes off the last goblin and then starts LOOTING THE ROOM instead of helping my Rogue who is laying on the floor bleeding to death. Ogrok sees me laying on the floor bleeding to death, and is still trying to remove the door from its freaking hinges. This continues for another 4 rounds where Himo is still looting the goblins and the room and Ogrok is still dry humping the damn door while I am bleeding to death.

Guys?

Homicidal_duck
2014-08-11, 07:11 PM
I remember playing D&D a while back with 4 of my friends. We really needed some gold, so we tried to raid a barbarian fort. We had enlisted the help of the king and his soldiers, but after a while, I realised that my Warforged fighter was really overpowered for the level of fort we were attacking after crushing many heads between just my bare fists. We were reaching the end of the fort when we encountered 5 barbarians and a cannon. We swiftly took care of the barbarians, but the cannon still posed a threat. The other people in my group all had quite bad rolls and only did a very small amount of damage, but when it reached my turn, I rolled a perfect 20 which proceeded to me ripping the cannon from the ground and slamming it into the operator causing him to explode into a bloody mess. At this point, I started bragging about my many victories to which one of the party members, an elven cleric to be precise, began to get annoyed about and attacked me. It only did about 10 damage, but in retaliation, I mounted an unmanned cannon and shot a cannonball right through his chest, causing him to die instantly, I then proceeded to walk over to his corpse and began to spill oil from my "metallic extension" into the wound. After my friends had finally pooled enough money to revive him, he never complained again!

Erth16
2014-08-11, 10:16 PM
Relevant to this story from my groups first campaign.

Desporte, the Human Fighter
Mr. Cuddles, the Druid's badger.
Makoto, My Human Bard.
We were around level 11.

So in our previous encounter, as one last screw you, the enemies Awoke the Badger, magically compelled it to hide this fact, and made it insane so it would plot to kill the party. No one knew of this.

So we are walking through a snowy forest/plains thing, and Desporte detects we are being followed, so he takes the Badger with him to investigate, and I follow a little ways behind him. Leaving the other 5 members of the party was our first mistake, taking the badger the bigger one. After walking a bit, Desporte decides that it must have been the wind (He literally said that as a joke), and just when he turns around a tundra/hill giant, I forget which pegs him with a rock, and a Giant with like 8 levels in Ranger rushes out from behind cover and begins attacking while he's down. So I throw up a Bull's Strength on him and the Badger, and rush back to get the party, and Desporte and the badger begin fighting the giants. We get back and he's pretty wounded, but the other 5 make quick work of the two wounded Giants. It's at this point that the Badger leaps onto Desporte's face, clawing and biting, and kills him before we knew what happened.

The level 11 fighter was killed by a badger. It didn't live long after that.

bjoern
2014-08-14, 10:51 AM
A long time ago we had a new player join for a campaign. The DM gave the party a bag of holding for a free magic item. We gave the new player the bag to hold onto and he was completely enamored by the concept of a bag that could hold (pretty much) unlimited stuff.

So as the campaign went along he'd grab stuff and keep track of it on a paper what he had in there.
"You walk into the cellar and notice an old table and some broken chairs"
"I grab the chairs and bag em." "Can I fit the table in the bag?"
"No"
"That's a shame"

After defeating enemies he'd bag em.

After months of playing, we asked him out of curiousity what all he had in the bag. He then produced a spiral notebook about 50 pages full of stuff from sticks and dirty rags to dead zombies and food scraps from the dumpster. It then became apparent that everything the DM had described had made its way into the bad to some extent.
We all had a good laugh.

ElenionAncalima
2014-08-14, 12:57 PM
We are flying to the capital city where a horde of dragons are attacking the castle. We notice that there are spellcasters defending the castle, so we suggest that the wizard, who always keeps a bunch of teleport and greater teleport spells prepared, go ahead and see if they know what is going on, while the rest of us fight off the dragons. She teleports to castle and finds out from the NPCs that the dragons are trying to get to the princess.

The arrival of a PC was clearly supposed to be a "Your too late" moment, as the DM announces that the largest dragon rips the princess's entire chamber out of the wall and they all proceed to fly away with her. However, we easily solve the problem. We have the wizard teleports in, grab the princess, teleport her back our village and cast nondetection on her.

Considering that we have gotten to the wealth level where we prefer trading favors over money, its pretty cool that we have the soon to be coronated queen in our house. However, what really brings us joy is the knowledge that when the dragons open the chamber to present the princess to their master, all they will find is a note in Draconic saying:

"Sorry, your princess is in another castle".

Dundee15
2014-08-14, 05:49 PM
In 4e, the party was going through a long dungeon crawl and encountered a room with a large obsidian statue in the middle of it. Our Half-Orc Spellsword decides to roll arcana to determine if it's a golem or just a plain statue... and he rolls a 1. The party rogue decides that because it's so obviously a statue, he was going to examine it for hidden switches. Suddenly three ninjas jump down from the ceiling in an ambush and the golem comes to life. Being a rogue and in front of one of the heaviest hitters in the room, he decides to use Close Quarters to move into the same space as the golem and use him as cover against the ninjas. He rolls a stealth check and manages a very high roll. Golem goes next and activates an ability where any time you make contact with the golem, you take 10 damage (if you hit him or he hits you). Cleric goes next and uses Command to force the golem to the ground, not knowing that the rogue was under it. Rolls a nat 20, DM asks the rogue to roll a reflex save... nat 1.

Rogue's player "So, what happens?"
DM "You'll take 1d4 damage for every 10lbs... but with the crit the cleric got and the crit fail you got it'll be max damage."
Rogue's player "Fair enough, so... how much did the golem weigh?"
DM completely deadpan "Nine tons."
Rogue's player does some math "7200! I take 7200!!"
Spellsword "Actully it's 7210 with the golem's ability..." *whole table glares at him* "What, I like being accurate."
Cleric "I've got Recall Ally!"
DM "You don't know he's there." *turns to Rogue's player* "I'm sorry but, you're dead."

*after the fight*
Cleric "So, how much EXP was the fight worth?"
DM smiling "5210 for the enemies, and 2000 for the rogue"
Rogue's player "7210..."
Spellsword "Hey, that's just enough to level!"

Seeing as death is permanent in that game, it's a pretty memorable way to go.
My rogue will forever be known as the party's tank as he's taken more damage then the entire party combined, and the Cleric is now the DPS as he's dished out more than anyone.

daremetoidareyo
2014-08-16, 12:48 AM
In an old 2nd edition D&D game, My fighter and my friend the cleric were beaten up and drug into the center of a large ring of fighters. We had messed up a lot of stuff at this point, and were likely in this situation because excessive kill first, ask questions later, type gaming. I believe that this was the case because we were relatively low level, and the champion pushed before us is a frost giant. After getting knocked to the far side of the circle, we knew that our chances of survival would require lateral thinking. I remember the cleric having looted an ebony fly (http://www.dandwiki.com/wiki/SRD:Figurine_of_Wondrous_Power) from a previous encounter, which we learned about by spending what felt like way too much money to identify such a useless magic item, (I remember saying, "why the hell would a caster even make something this stupid?"). I handed off my quiver to the cleric with the instructions to tie the tiny statue to the head of the arrow. I spent the round running around the ring being relatively obnoxious until I circle back to the cleric, grab the arrow and make a called shot for the giants mouth. As luck would have it, natural 20. The magic word to activate the ebony fly? "Blow me." The result: A giant 4' long fly with giant face all over itself, grooming its forelegs where the frost giants head once was.

Dalkael
2014-08-17, 08:06 AM
I had just started my second campaign as GM, with a steampunkish setting. Anyway, the players (a barbarian, a warlock/fighter, a rogue/sorceror and a knight) had been given the task to sneak into one of the pyramids to find a relic. Aided briefly by lvl 20 NPC, treasure hunter Harrison Jones, they found the right entrance, and were then left on their own while he "went to find another way in". At first they managed to remember to search for traps, but eventually forgot, and the warlock and knight were poisoned. After a few fights, they were quite deep in the dungeon, and had taken a lot of damage. The warlock had decided at some point to stop opening the trapped sarcophogi, but used detect magic in every new room. They soon found some healing scrolls, a ring and a bracer, but at one point they had opened a sarcophagus but couldn't find the item (really bad spot rolls). However, the rogue caught a lucky break, and spotted a ring, which he quickly grabbed and put on his finger, despite the warlock having mentioned earlier to put all the items in a bag for later identification. It was a cursed ring of enfeeblement, which made it now extremely hard for him to pass the increasingly difficult detect traps. Somehow they managed to pass their rolls, and wound up in the main chamber of the tomb.

I described as a huge chamber, filled with about two hundred large statues, and a walkway in the middle. As they looked up to the walkway, they saw Mr Harrison Jones running across it, chased by several web mummies. The warlock boldly entered the room and cast detect magic items, I told him there was magic everywhere. Apparently that translated to him as "go smash a statue", which he promptly did, activating the 199 remaining ones. Several dozen heavy spears immediately flew towards the pcs, skewering the knight instantly. The rogue, being feeble, had no chance to sprint, and was squished shortly after. With over 100 angry statues running towards them, the barbarian grabbed the warlock and ran for it, but promptly failed his first con check, and turned to fight for his life. The warlock decided to repay the favour by trying to run, but also failed his con check. He was skewered, but only went to -5 HP. The barbarian managed to kill two statues, before taking six spears to the chest and being instagibbed. Now ignoring the unconcious warlock, the statues returned to the chamber, while the warlock failed each stabilize check, and bled out alone in the dark tomb.

It was the first time for me as DM actually killing a PC, but the foolish behaviour had to be punished. In character, however, the group agreed that it had been a very realistic outcome for four strangers thrust together in a group. :)

illyahr
2014-08-20, 12:14 PM
We are flying to the capital city where a horde of dragons are attacking the castle. We notice that there are spellcasters defending the castle, so we suggest that the wizard, who always keeps a bunch of teleport and greater teleport spells prepared, go ahead and see if they know what is going on, while the rest of us fight off the dragons. She teleports to castle and finds out from the NPCs that the dragons are trying to get to the princess.

The arrival of a PC was clearly supposed to be a "Your too late" moment, as the DM announces that the largest dragon rips the princess's entire chamber out of the wall and they all proceed to fly away with her. However, we easily solve the problem. We have the wizard teleports in, grab the princess, teleport her back our village and cast nondetection on her.

Considering that we have gotten to the wealth level where we prefer trading favors over money, its pretty cool that we have the soon to be coronated queen in our house. However, what really brings us joy is the knowledge that when the dragons open the chamber to present the princess to their master, all they will find is a note in Draconic saying:

"Sorry, your princess is in another castle".

Nice. :smallbiggrin:

Mono Vertigo
2014-08-21, 05:12 AM
A long time ago we had a new player join for a campaign. The DM gave the party a bag of holding for a free magic item. We gave the new player the bag to hold onto and he was completely enamored by the concept of a bag that could hold (pretty much) unlimited stuff.

So as the campaign went along he'd grab stuff and keep track of it on a paper what he had in there.
"You walk into the cellar and notice an old table and some broken chairs"
"I grab the chairs and bag em." "Can I fit the table in the bag?"
"No"
"That's a shame"

After defeating enemies he'd bag em.

After months of playing, we asked him out of curiousity what all he had in the bag. He then produced a spiral notebook about 50 pages full of stuff from sticks and dirty rags to dead zombies and food scraps from the dumpster. It then became apparent that everything the DM had described had made its way into the bad to some extent.
We all had a good laugh.
I've had Elder Scrolls games like this...
Who am I kidding, everyone played The Elder Scrolls like this all the damn time.

bjoern
2014-08-21, 08:26 AM
I've had Elder Scrolls games like this...
Who am I kidding, everyone played The Elder Scrolls like this all the damn time.

A couple times it was actually helpful. One time he tipped it out and created a wall of junk for us to hide behind.

One time we found ourselves trapped in a shrinking room with a spout rapidly pouring out water to flood the room. He was able to catch the water in the bad to buy a fee rounds for the rogue to find the secret door out.

Of course we forgot about that episode a few months later and when he tipped it out again inside a room we found ourselves drowning in water again.

The DM pretty much waived the volume limits of the bag and just gave it an infinite capacity. Since we weren't doing anything broken it wasn't a big deal. We all joked that the ultimate evil plot would be to go in an ocean and open the bag and swallow up all the water. But we never did.

illyahr
2014-08-21, 09:19 AM
We all joked that the ultimate evil plot would be to go in an ocean and open the bag and swallow up all the water. But we never did.

Can I use this? I have to try this. This is too good to pass up. :smallamused:

bjoern
2014-08-21, 09:40 AM
Can I use this? I have to try this. This is too good to pass up. :smallamused:

As an evil plot. Sure. It would be even funnier if all PCs and bad guys involved didn't understand how a BoH works and after a climactic battle where the PCs fail to stop him and he completed his master plan, hr manages to suck up about 25 gallons of water and that it. Lol

Imagine the dissapointment on the bad guys face.

"What?!?!"
"NnnnOOOOOOOOOOOoooo!!!"

Lol

Inevitability
2014-08-21, 12:42 PM
But what if he's got a BoH in his BoH, with another BoH in this second BoH, Ad Infinitum? All but the first are opened, and when he opens the first...

Then, have him put his stitched flesh octopus familiar in the first bag (after pouring a bit of water out of it) and walk away. He can then at any time command his octopus familiar to swim down towards the deepest bag and pierce it, thus setting of a chain reaction of bags bursting and water flooding.

Now that's what I call a Hydrogen Bomb!

Milodiah
2014-08-21, 03:11 PM
This is actually a Classic Traveler story, which is a sci-fi game. It's been a very long time, so the details like names are fuzzy. Here goes:

The party:

Me, Lt. Cmdr. Dyson, naval reserve officer, human supremacist and also an informant for my government. I was sort of the group leader, which retroactively was a terrible idea.
A priestess of an obscure alien race, trying to raise awareness of her people in interstellar politics.
A retired marine commando, specifically an assassin.
An asteroid miner, in possession of a third-hand and battered mining vessel.
DMPC, a tiny reptilian fellow who flew the ship. His name was unpronounceable so I nicknamed him "Space Jim" even though he kicked my shins when I called him that.


We've been hired to assassinate one (1) politician who was trying to negotiate peace with some hostile aliens, the usual "all we know is there's money for us" motivation. We do manage to kill him in the end, along with 719,999 other people through a series of seemingly sound decisions that...went sequentially wrong.

We choose to leave our ship (fitted with experimental stealth technology) in orbit, and take the small ship's boat to the surface (which is basically a domed city). Turns out it's infested with gangs, we witness a drive-by five minutes into walking the streets (and also witness everyone on the sidewalk return fire).

The conference we're supposed to get into is later on in the day, so we kill time in a diner, where my anti-alien comments net me a frying pan to the face and a broken nose. We also hire some 'muscle' to back us up if the plan-A stealth goes awry, but we roll abysmally, and end up with...three dudes with handguns and a Vargr (read: wolf-man) whose name and vocabulary consisted of "ARNGH-ARNGH-ARNGH-ARNGH-AAAARNGH!", and whose armament consisted solely of a "gigantic motorized pizza cutter". I hand them a radio and tell them and the Assassin to wait in an abandoned house nearby "just in case".

So, we walk into the mansion during the grand banquet, and everyone but me manages to talk their way past the guards. So here I am, getting nasty looks from everyone present (because I'm wearing an officer's uniform of both parties' mutual enemy), and my ploy to pull a Bavarian Fire Drill (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BavarianFireDrill) with an envelope stamped "CLASSIFIED, EYES ONLY" had failed. As the Priestess and the Miner (the only one who has gained access to the ambassador we needed to kill) makes idle small talk, the other players and I start to formulate a plan.

I grab our muscle and the other PCs minus the Priestess and Miner, load up in the ship's boat/gunship, and prepare to make a combat deployment on the roof.

Bad idea.

Turns out the watchtowers we only halfway scoped out were actually fitted with anti-aircraft batteries for just such an occasion.

Ordered all fire on the nearest tower, did evasive maneuvers. A little earlier the Miner, who had a comically small concealed handgun, decided to make his move on the ambassador and followed him into the bathroom. As soon as the **** hit the fan, he draws and attempts to fire.

Bad idea.

I had previously requested intel on this guy from my...connections... and it just now comes in. Tested positive for psionic powers, did eight tours of duty in the Imperial Marines, commendations, qualifications, medals...

"Guys, we're dealing with a Class 8 Badass here!"

He of course is wearing body armor, then pulls multiple top of the line laser weapons and fries the Miner nearly to death in one round.

I blast a hole in the wall, still making evasive maneuvers, and send in the muscle. GM rolls for them...and of course ARNGH-ARNGH-ARNGH-ARNGH-AAAARNGH gets roasted in mid-air by Mr. Badass. The other three end up on the roof, trading shots through said roof with security forces inside the building. The Miner tries to flee to the roof, but Mr. Badass chases him up there, and in a shootout between ship-grade weaponry and laser pistols actually nails my gunner. I hand off the controls to one of the NPCs and finally shoot the roof out from under him, recover the Miner who is in D&D terms at negative HP, and try to fly off.

Bad idea.

The military's coming, of course, and we have to rendezvous with the ship. I instruct Space Jim to switch off transponder and engage stealth.

Bad idea.

The air space-traffic control goes APE**** when they see a ship drop off their screens because stealth tech isn't actually public knowledge, and prepare to scramble everything, including a dreadnought. Our ship's boat is 30 tons, the ship itself is 5000 tons. This thing is 500,000 tons of pure death warming up to come after us.

We make it to an exit airlock, and surprise surprise, it's been sealed off. I order the gunner to blow it open.

Bad idea.

Critical failure. He manages to blast the airlock and the failsafe mechanism, so the entire atmosphere of the dome city is getting blown out of this airlock. The pressure differentials wreak havoc on the dreadnought preparing to lift off, and all 500,000 tons of it crash down on the dome, shattering it into millions of pieces.

As soon as we rendezvous with the ship, I do what comes naturally (at this point I'll add that this is the most in-character we've ever been). I recall the books on naval operations, and order the pilot to "initiate crash jump procedures".

Bad idea.

What I didn't count on was that while I was a trained naval officer, the pilot was not...in the navy it's a twelve-step procedure. To this guy it's "GET SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN HERE".

So we jump to the middle of nowhere, with no fuel to get to the middle of somewhere, after wiping out the flagship of an enemy fleet, along with half a planet's worth of people, becoming public enemy #1 for the entire galaxy, and above all not getting paid by our client because we accidentally killed him.

Hooray!

Khedrac
2014-08-21, 04:24 PM
This is actually a Classic Traveler story, which is a sci-fi game. It's been a very long time, so the details like names are fuzzy. Here goes:
... not getting paid by our client because we accidentally killed him.[/SPOILER]

Hooray!

Awesome story!

dilepoutee
2014-08-22, 04:57 AM
Subjected my players to a lake of embalming fluid with zombie dire sharks, that was a hoot.

Yes, Offcourse..

Chacha
2014-08-23, 05:24 PM
Nothing major, but this was pretty funny last night.

I'm a dragonborn (Tü'Rûhn -- because, baby, I was dragonborn to run) Paladin of the Raven Queen.

My character has been cutting off the ears of all of the humanoid creatures he has killed, making them into a necklace which he has been pulling out when he tries to intimidate. My DM finds it amusing and gave me a +1 ceremonial dagger of ear cutting from a cult of Shar last match. We also found a room full of dead bodies with a barrel of blood.

Me: "Does the blood seem tainted?"
DM: "No. It seems like regular blood."
Me: "I make sure the fallen have found their way to my Queen and take the barrel."
DM: "It's just a regular barrel of blood."
Me: "If I cover myself in it...do I get a +1 to intimidate checks?"
DM: "...You're a 7 foot dragonoid creature in full plate, covered head to toe in blood...yeah. That's worth a +1."

Cue dungeon crawl.

I find a goblin imprisoned by his own people. He points out the room where his former allies are waiting, then makes a move for my dagger. I kill him, cover myself in the barrel of blood, kick in the door to the room, and throw his lifeless, earless body clear across it.

"SURRENDER NOW OR FIND YOUR FATE, GOBLINS!"

DM: "No one sees you."
Me: "Really? No one?"
DM: "No one. But they hear a commotion and come running out."

Forward to killing 20 goblins and bloodying the goblin king.

"YOU WILL KNEEL BEFORE THE RAVEN QUEEN, OR SHE WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD!"

-- botches the roll --

The goblin king turns and flees. I get an attack of opportunity.

-- botches the roll --

The goblin king escapes to a hidden passage. We can't follow him without taking an extended rest. We reluctantly rest and try to find a way to him.

We find a chamber with four goblins and two drakes. My first turn, I kill one drake. My second turn, I kill a goblin. My party dispatches another goblin and the second drake. On my third turn, I attack a goblin and use an action point to keep my "murder every time I blink" streak up. I completely crush him.

DM: "How do you kill him?"
Me: "In a single movement, I pull my ceremonial ear cutting dagger from its sheath, wrap my flail around the goblin's neck, pull it to me, and cut its ear off. I snap its neck and send it spinning to the ground."
DM: "...No, you don't. Come on. That wasn't a natural 20. You can't do that. What do you actually do?"
Me: "I ROLL VS THE GAME!"

Grab my die. Throw it to the board. NATURAL TWENTY.

DM: "...Seriously?!"
Me: "IN A SINGLE MOVEMENT-"
DM: "Okay! You do exactly what you said you did! You win vs the game!"
Me: "I turn to the remaining goblin, and I shout, 'YOU! PR--"
DM: "You're a 7 foot murdermonster covered head to toe in blood. You just mercilessly slaughtered his last ally. He immediately drops all of his weapons, falls to his knees, and offers you a trinket in exchange for his life. No rolls."

And that's how you win D&D!

MagpieWench
2014-09-05, 06:50 AM
My gm likes having a ton of players in his game. IIRC, there were about 9 at this session...

We are a chartered adventuring group out of Waterdeep who are also signed aboard a pirate ship. We were on the ship with several of us below decks, and a handful above.

Below decks, the halfling fighter realizes that we don't know what happened to the giant mimic from a couple of sessions previous, so he decides the mimic is the ship and starts stabbing it (omg, the shifters were out to get us like whoa). The gnome illusionist makes an illusory double who mimics the fighters every move, basically pissing the fighter right the heck off, because, "another shifter," so he starts fighting with the illusion.

Suddenly, the ship rocks violently and there is a huge crack of what sounds like thunder. Some of us race above to find that our desert-bred half-dragon druid is vomiting lightning, and has hit the rail of the ship.

All at once, the ship rolls to the side with the missing rail. The druid manages to grab the rail, the elf rogue almost goes over, the bard (me), and the human rogue calmly keep their feet, when the ship lurches to the other side, and starts rocking back and forth! Steam comes billowing up, and we rush back down. One of the magic users (maybe the illusionist, but I don't think so...) had cast wall of ice around the halfling fighter (the several thousand pounds causing the ship to tilt) which pissed off the ranger, who stuck his flaming sword into the wall (which caused it to sublimate).

There were at least a half-elf cleric, a halfing rogue, and maybe a gnome cleric in all of this, plus a whole bunch of npcs...

ElenionAncalima
2014-09-08, 02:54 PM
This one happened a while ago, but I was reminded of it recently.

I was playing a cleric of Milani, a minor Golarion diety of martyrs who believes in fighting against oppression. The rest of the party was a barbarian, a rogue and a witch.

Fast forward about six sessions and we are working as guards during a trial. The courthouse gets attacked by three cloaked individual, who we defeat. As we are searching them, the DM announces that they are all carrying holy symbols of Milani. Dun-dun-duuuhn, right? Wrong.

While I am still trying to make sense of this as a character and a player, the following happens:

Rogue: I pick up the pendant and show it to the cleric, "Are you familiar with this religion"
DM: *bursts into laughter*
Me: You're joking, right?
Rogue: ...uh...no?
Barbarian (to me): Don't you have knowledge religion?
Me: *Looks to Witch*
Witch: *Stares blankly*
DM: *Still laughing*
Rogue: I don't get it...has this come up before or something?
Barbarian: Yeah, I don't get it either.
Me: So...just to clarify, none of you remember the religion of Milani coming up before?
Barbarian: No...
Witch: ...I don't remember.
Rogue: I mean, it does sound sort of familiar...
Me: *Puts head on table*
DM: *Pats my shoulder...while still laughing*

illyahr
2014-09-08, 03:07 PM
This one happened a while ago, but I was reminded of it recently.

I was playing a cleric of Milani, a minor Golarion diety of martyrs who believes in fighting against oppression. The rest of the party was a barbarian, a rogue and a witch.

Fast forward about six sessions and we are working as guards during a trial. The courthouse gets attacked by three cloaked individual, who we defeat. As we are searching them, the DM announces that they are all carrying holy symbols of Milani. Dun-dun-duuuhn, right? Wrong.

While I am still trying to make sense of this as a character and a player, the following happens:

Rogue: I pick up the pendant and show it to the cleric, "Are you familiar with this religion"
DM: *bursts into laughter*
Me: You're joking, right?
Rogue: ...uh...no?
Barbarian (to me): Don't you have knowledge religion?
Me: *Looks to Witch*
Witch: *Stares blankly*
DM: *Still laughing*
Rogue: I don't get it...has this come up before or something?
Barbarian: Yeah, I don't get it either.
Me: So...just to clarify, none of you remember the religion of Milani coming up before?
Barbarian: No...
Witch: ...I don't remember.
Rogue: I mean, it does sound sort of familiar...
Me: *Puts head on table*
DM: *Pats my shoulder...while still laughing*


I feel your pain. :smallfrown:

Fumble Jack
2014-09-09, 02:56 PM
Ok my D&D group when they managed to get an artificer to craft their warforged magical booze potions (kid you not this was one of his in-game goals)

The npc bard in the group convinced them to have at it. They ended up raiding the Duke's castle, locking up his guards in the dungeon, stealing his pet dire tiger, hurling up all over the Duke's throne room, mistaking his throne for a chamber pot, the only sober character being the rogue used the drunken commotion of her teammates to elect to empty the castle vaults, then one of the group ensured the Duke would have an heir and grandchild. The warforged chugged a barrel of oil thinking it was a keg of the booze. They then sneaked the tiger into an Inn.

The next in-game morning, the halfling rogue woke up to make sure the stolen gold was ok. Then the goblin wizard woke up next and feeling betrayed by the bard and heavily vindictive chose to fireball the bard for convincing him to be part of the drunken festivities using the staff that had the spell stored in it. This killed the bard, set the warforged, still full of oil on fire as well as the dire tiger and blew the goblin wizard to dying and needing to be stabilized as he took for granted the dimensions of the room. The Rogue saved her stolen goods first then the goblin. The others had to fight off a rather pissed dire tiger, that thanks to the dwarven fighter and Warforged monk, they were able to defeat by knocking it through the wall and out of the Inn. Where it fell with a wet thump. Their room was on the second floor.

One of the town guard had to come deal with the commotion and ended up having to put the lot of them under arrest when the rogue failed a bluff check against them. When they were brought before the Duke and Captain of the guard to attempt to dispute their case. They tried to do it Phoenix Wright style, with the only lawful character being the Warforged and helping him the Rogue. It was going well at first 'til the Captain asked the other pc's questions. Then things started to look like they would get thrown in jail, the goblin ended up grabbing the staff again and launching another fireball for the day, into the Duke and Captain. With the ruckus and commotion, the group simply decided to flee

LokiRagnarok
2014-09-09, 05:44 PM
Are you sure you weren't playing "Hangover: The RPG"? :smallbiggrin:

Fumble Jack
2014-09-09, 07:35 PM
It honestly felt like I was and the comparison was made at the gaming table but it's what they went with doing. Ironically this was within one of the larger cities where they would have had a chance to shop between dungeon crawls.

Inevitability
2014-09-10, 12:30 PM
Recently, an introductory game of 5E I DM'ed for a couple of new players ended. Or, more specifically, we all agreed this would be the last session and the players could do whatever they wanted. PvP, random killing, plotting against other PC's, it'd all be allowed for this one session. Add to this the fact that we already were playing a sub-evil campaign, and things got... interesting.

Nils, playing a True Neutral human cleric (Socie). The most 'mature' of the players.

John, playing a Neutral Evil (who acted like he was TN) human fighter (Jonaso). Close friends with Nils OOC.

Samuel, playing a drow ranger (Quallion). Newest to the game. His character was NE, but played more like Stupid Evil.

So, after some recent 'adventures' involving framing a barkeeper and feeding him to weasels (don't ask), the party had acquired an inn. So what does Jonaso do? He decides to get full-on drunk, and starts arguing with Quallion.

Quallion's response? 'I grab my crossbow and shoot him in the face'. So, after a short battle, which brought Quallion down to a third of his HP, caused the cleric to expend his final spell slot trying to bring Quallion down and knocked Jonaso out, the two standing PC's decide to stop the fighting. As they still want to earn some money, Jonaso's body is dragged into a back room and the tavern is opened.

Me: Okay, I guess some people walk in and start ordering drinks. Oh, and a town guard walks in. He inquires of the sounds of battle he thought he heard.
Quallion: Crap, I tell him he must have imagined those. 19 for bluff!
Me: I guess he apologizes, walks back out and...
Quallion: No way he's going to call his friends! I shoot him in the back! Critical hit! 15 damage!
Me: Okay... The guard falls over, dead. Half a dozen innocent peasants start screaming in fear.
Quallion: I AIM MY CROSSBOW AT SOCIE! I'm not going to survive this without a hostage!
Me: I guess so... Okay, one of the peasants runs away, screaming for the guards. A moment later, two enter.
Quallion: I bluff my way out of this! Ahem: 'dear guards, I am sure this is a mistake. You see, a brawl broke out here, and in the chaos, your friend over there was killed. But do not fear, for I have captured his killer and...'
Me: You are standing in a partly-destroyed tavern holding someone who is a known servant of the town's leader at bowpoint, all around you are people fleeing in terror, you are of a race that is known for being murderous backstabbers, you are holding the only crossbow in the whole tavern and you try to convince the guards that their friend, who they see lying with a crossbow bolt out of his back, was killed by someone else? I don't know how big the circumstance penalty on this one is, but I'm going for something with at least three digits.
Quallion: Well then... I throw my sword at the nearest guard! *rolls max damage*
Me: Okay, you kill him too. The few commoners who weren't already fleeing in blind panic now jump up and run away too. The lone remaining guard charges you, *rolls* hits, for *rolls*, enough damage to knock you out. You are then captured, put in prison, horribly tortured, and thrown into a pit full of dire weasels. Then they pull you out right before you die, heal you, and do it all over again.
Quallion: I like this game.

OOC, everyone was having a blast. In fact, straight after finishing the game, I was asked to GM another game, which will start next week.

FyreHeart
2014-09-10, 03:35 PM
I have just started as a player in a 5th edition of Dungeons and Dragons. Our party is a sight for sore eyes, including a drow and half-orc wizard who is 5 years from death. I play said drow.

1) Our half-orc wizard's running theme is that he only knows useless spells. One of his favorite things? Casting a spell on someone that makes them taste butthole in their mouth for a full hour. Vanya the drow had just met him and that is literally the first thing he does upon meeting her. This I sense will be running gag.

2) Another player, a human this time, whenever he is searching for a shorter way through mountains, will yell "Secret tunnel!" from Avatar: The Last Airbender. If there is a mountain pass, the DM will wait a few seconds before replying back with "....Secret Tunnel!" And this goes on and on.

Demolicious
2014-09-11, 10:27 AM
A couple stories from previous sessions of my ongoing 3.5 campaign.

Cast
Tharen Varith: human Cleric/Warlock/Master of Shrouds with abysmal dice luck, rolling nat 1 on over 1/3 (I counted) of any d20 rolled on combat, from rest over half were below 10.
Geralt: Human wizard focused on conjuration(battlefield control) with tendencies for oversilliness and habit to slap everyone with a glove.
Meulin Mavros: chatty young human girl, ranger that hates basically everything except dragons and cats.
Vincent Dragonsbane: Human crusader, with kleptomaniac attitude, seemingly insane, speaking to invisible force known as "Airy" (Player quit few sessions back due to some OOC situations)
Sytharian Autumnfire: "The dark emo elf", elven duskblade who got squashed by troll in some encounter I wasn't part of.
Bhelan: Human duskblade made to replace Aetharius, has habit of never giving up, no matter how situations are.
Airy: Vincent's not-so-imaginary-as-appears friend, tiny fairy (originally NPC, became full PC later) rogue with perverted mindset.
Baltazar: sun elf mage, who dresses in black and purple silk and prefers sneaking (Replacing Tharen after player gave up on trying to roll over 10 on attack and over 6 on damage)

Joining up later, due to unexpectedly everyone looking for new players to replace Vincent
Yokeron D'Trios: halfling sorcerer
Dovan Mithralhand: Vincent's friend, dwarf fighter, sent by departed Vincent to serve as meat shield.
Ellie: Half-elf cleric rescued in latest session.


Entire party arrives at town, with none of them having met each other before. Somehow, everyone ends up in same inn (only one in town).
Geralt proceeds to first pick up a fight with Vincent, who was talking to airy (at the moment, only seeable by either Vincent, or see invisibility). Geralt quickly proceeds to label the crusader a loonie. This is followed up by Geralt proceeding to literally poke Vincent with his finger, until he gets in the inn to get drunk. A short while later, after Geralt has inquired about a task for his "merry men" (who he doesn't have yet) of adventurers. After finding out about a kobold cave, he proceeds to round the party together by poking every single one of them with a finger until everyone is somehow together, declaring them to be his "merry men".



Happened in first session, as Geralt caught a kobold by name of Smudge looting his cart. Smudge was thereby slapped by Geralt multiple times with his glove, giving another slap every time Smudge did anything Geralt didn't want to (Including trying to leave). Our CG wizard has a kobold slave, who carries a haversack with hundreds of random 1 use wands.
Later on, party was exiting an inn, coming across group of kingdom's mage hunters harassing a woman whose husband they killed on the street. After resulting fight, party is left with 3 dead knights, 1 dead cleric, and 1 living, wounded knight. Remaining knight (named Theo) is then slapped by Geralt's glove, until he climbs on Geralt's donkey cart, and the party escapes. Theo is tied up, and slapped for next few days, until he swears complete loyality to Geralt.



During party escaping from dungeons of a cult, that had captured them (Tharen going to join the cult instead, being replaced by Baltazar, also a captive), Meulin came across a room with chest, guarded by Displacer beast. Instead of following the usual adventuring process of "murder it and loot it", Meulin (she likes cats, and displacer beasts are "feline") proceeds to try to talk to it. Displacer beast, naturally, doesn't respond, but proceeds to maul the ranger for disturbing it's lair and sleep. Meulin, not to be denied, keeps trying, until she's finally dragged off at roughly 5 hp remaining, complaining bitterly that the kitty didn't want to talk to her.
After a while, Geralt manages to move past same room, and gives casual wave to displacer beast, who this whole time has been angrily prowling at 5 ft. wide entrance to the room. This in turn, enrages it, and beast proceeds to chase Geralt across the sewer dungeon, back to party, who proceed to murder the thing with AOE spells in 1 or 2 rounds. Meulin is extremely angry at the group for killing her kitty.



An hour later, in same dungeon as displacer beast encounter, Airy (Now a PC) and Geralt go to wander off as rest of the party rests. Few moments later, Geralt busts back into party's "camp" screaming from top of his lungs "There's dragonlings that are trying to kill us!"
Typical adventurer response, Baltazar and Meulin rush back to aid their comrades in battle, Meulin speeding well ahead. As they round into room where 3 small dragonlings are hissing, spitting lightning and clawing at blind Vincent (who was blinded before capture, and fell to permanent depression IC and OOC) and Airy. Situation takes a new turn however, as Meulin rushes into the room, drops her weapons, and runs to protect her "babies" (3 blue dragon hatchlings), and with combination of draconic, animal empathy and diplomacy, takes them as her pets. Player declares herself "mother of dragons".



After poorly gone dungeon run (where Bhelan and Vincent got hit by aboleth's curse, with Meulin, Baltazar and Airy almost drowning), party is in nearby tavern, just resting and relaxing (DM was busy, so pure RP session).
Meulin is going through her arrows, Baltazar sits down for chat and drink with Geralt, Vincent is brooding outside. Airy is demanding dwarf inkeeper loudly about what it's going to take for fairy to get a thistle of mead.
Geralt goes to bed early, Baltazar buys Airy a drink (full sized tankard of mead). She proceeds to sit on edge of the tankard, scooping mead up with both hands. Being about 6" tall, she gets well drunk quite quickly, and manages to fall straight in her tankard. This in turn results with Baltazar having to fish her out before she drowns, and getting a cork for her to drink from. Sadly this didn't really go through to Airy, as she proceeded to put the cork in middle of her tankard, and sailed around in the mead with it, drinking as much as she could.
A little later, Baltazar and Meulin are playing game of darts, Baltazar cheating shamelessly with mage hand to even have chance against ranger. Airy pops over, so drunk she can barely stand, and decides she wants to play. Picks up a dart about as large as she is, spins around on table with it a few times, and flings it at the target. Nat 20. Party's drunk fairy hits a bull's eye with dart as large as she is.



An encounter with now all too familiar cult in a tavern, sent to recover black orb that party stole. For us, encounter is going terribly. Baltazar and Meulin are trapped in web, with Meulin unconscious and Baltazar hiding under the webs to not get nuked. Geralt is at 0hp 200 ft from the inn, after fleeing invisibly with the orb, and then proceeding to destroy it, getting blasted to exactly 0 hp by explosion of 20d6 (we're at lvl 6). Bhelan is blind after being attacked by cult's ordained champion channeling blindness, and Dovan got paralyzed on first round he joined the game. So far, 1 cultist is dead, 4 alive (including sorcerer and ordained champion boss) and unharmed. Oh, and there's phase spider somewhere. Only party members active are blind Bhelan, and Airy.
Ordained champion is outside, and Bhelan manages to crawl out of nearby window to back of the inn. Not to be discouraged, he sneaks up to corner near front of the inn, where champion was shouting at Geralt to give the orb or his friends would die, prior to explosion as he destroyed it. Bhelan, assisted by Airy (and having had poor performance so far while he had his sight) gets champion's location, and fires a fire bolt. Almost maximum damage and failed reflex save.
Champion is ticked off, and goes to finish Bhelan for good.
Bhelan tackles her, rolling for grapple, succeeds.
Dovan breaks free, runs to help Bhelan.
Champion who almost single handedly defeated entire party, is pinned down, and pummeled by both Bhelan with his shield (still blind) and Dovan with his gauntlets.
Meanwhile, Airy flies inside and slits throats of remaining enemies.
Champion is beaten to low hit points, but succeeds concentration roll to cast teleport.
A blind duskblade turned whole encounter from "TPK" to "Narrow victory with none dead".



Few days after close call at roadside inn. Late night, party approaches palisade camp not on any maps.
Meulin spots a lone figure, sleeping up in a tree some ways away from the camp itself.
Her first action: "I throw a rock at it"
Few rolls follow, rock hits. A loud scream and heavy thud is heard as small shape falls off the tree, smashing onto ground.
Party are met with loud and angry halfling, who demands to know who did that while spewing profanities.


And few random snippets.

Tharen rolling his first (and only hit) hit on entire session, scoring critical hit with his spell. Roll 4d10. Okay, good chance to kill atleast someone at lvl 4. Rolls 6.

Geralt greasing every enemy, then covering it with "stripper-glitter" aka glitterdust.

Vincent going all out "emo" after being blinded, being pulled along through Meulin like on a leash.

Tharen being useful for 1 time in his life, rolling around 18 on rebuke undead check. Takes over 90% of minions on single encounter (that all proceed to roll every attack below 10).



We're currently in process of keeping a blog of our party's adventures, written by me and posted by our DM. Blog is updated after every session, with quality and length depending on my mood and what we did in the session itself.
http://worldofendore.blogspot.fi/
2 sessions have been logged so far, more to come. Feel free to read if you're interested, and comment. We'd like to see if our messes amuse others as much as it does us.

Tabris92
2014-09-11, 01:51 PM
Created an account just to post my stories. I have Several, but I wont post em all right now.
I have been, more or less, the unfortunate subject of many of these stories.
Characters in the party.
Me, Kurama. Kitsune (homebrew) Rogue level 5
Zasimel, shark megalodon, samurai
Elma, Ranger (dont know her race)
Abaddon, Tiefling Rogue. *He plays his character to be quite the sociopath and is the main source of the "wtf" in our party.

The Rogue with the broken legs
Myself, Zasimel and Abaddon

We go into a room in the dungeon were in, and look for loot, clues, etc. I am searching the area for traps.
Meanwhile, the rest of the party who was in another room, triggers a trap. That goes off in the room that Zasimel, Abaddon and myself are in.
the trap is a sweeping trap that hits at our legs.
DM: Kurama, roll reflex
me: *rolls poorly* wow, and my reflex is 14...
DM: take 7 damage, and your legs are broken
me: fantastic
We get out of room minutes later (me crawling out) Cleric comes to help me.
Me: please heal me, I cant walk
Cleric: allright, but I only got a few spells for the day so dont get hurt again.
*cleric heals my legs
Moments later, we are hit with another trap *trapfinding didnt find it*
Legs broken again. fantastic.
Me: cleric can you heal me again?
Cleric: no, ima save it for something important.
me: your rogue cant walk, thats not important?
cleric: nope.
friend of mine splinted my legs together, and I could at least walk through the rest of the dungeon.

The Rogue and the Geletanious Cube
This ones short.
Were going through dungeon, checking every door and chest we see for traps by this point *dm was just loving to get us with traps in this dungeon.*
me: trapfinding on door
DM: you detect no traps
me: ok. ima open the door and do a spot *rolls spot, my wis modifer is -1 btw and I roll poorly
DM: you see nothing
me: rolls again
DM: nope
me: screw it, ill just go in.
DM: you notice its harder to move.
me: in a panic *rolls escape artist check*
DM: you cant escape
Party finally sees whats going on
Ranger: thats a geletanious cube....gg Kurama.
me: really, I walked into a gelatinous cube.
Zasimel: Anyone have any rope...?

Abaddon and the Church
Abaddon, our sociopathic Rogue decides to burn down the towns church.
We just got back from a dungeon, were tired, wounded, and we realize were gonna need to keep a healthy stock of potions.
Abaddon: I want set fire to the church
DM: ok...you do it.
Abaddon: now ima hide
Me, walking around town going to church cause they sell potions and herbs. I see its on fire.
Town guards approach the church, Im around so they question me immidiately.
I decided to cover Abaddons tracks and talk to their guards.
me: *rolling diplomacy, rolls well
DM: you pass
me: I convince the guards that god burnt down the church
Guards: yea, that doesnt surprise me at all. that church was atrocious.
Abaddon, then decides to stab one of the guards. Does almost no damage
DM: guard immidiately draws his sword and is ready to attack
me: *rolls diplomacy again, nat 20
DM: ....you succeed. *facepalming
me: God did that too
Guard: we have some repenting to do...

And thats how I convinced the town guards that god burnt down their church and then stabbed a guard.

Dallahan
2014-09-13, 07:46 AM
I was playing a wizard in D&D 2e and had recently learned the spell burning hands. I was overly eager to use it, so when we were attacked by ghouls in a confined space I cast it while standing behind our dwarves cleric. I miscalculated the range and only succeeded in singing our clerics beard and not receiving healing for several sessions afterwards.

Sajiri
2014-09-16, 04:22 PM
Not a big one but I thought this was funny last night, when the (3 and a half session long) prologue of our new solo campaign finally ended.

My character (Antoniette/Ana) was a noble who's home got attacked and she got thrown in prison, after a jail break and bringing along some of the other prisoners, they stole a boat and the dhampir companion (Norman) that joined them suggested they sail to this undead nation place where he'd organize for them to get a better ship and supplies, but they could only stay 24 hours. He claimed it was simply he was being groomed for a position (implies nobility himself) that he wasnt ready to take on yet, so he just wanted to postpone it for a while by travelling with this new formed crew. Turns out he has some influence in the port we landed in so he kept his word and bought us a new small ship and we stocked up on supplies.

As Ana is doing the final inspection and wondering where Norman is, the crew notices him running down the street toward the ship looking like he's just run a mile. He races onboard and quickly composes himself while his bird lands nearby and starts laughing at him (Ana was given a special power of language for this, so she can actually tell the bird is laughing it's ass off at him).

Norman: The wind is in our favor still, lets get going my dear
Ana: *looks back at the port, and sees some call of cthulu type shadowy figure gliding down the street, stones in the ground are turning into dark little creatures at it's feet, the air around is turning dark and silent, the undead in this town are even closing their windows and locking their doors. Her language power lets her read lips too*
Figure: NORMAN CAULT. YOUR PRESENCE IS DEMANDED. NORMAN CAULT. YOUR PRESENCE IS DEMANDED.
Ana: God dammit Norman
Norman: *slides his arm around her shoulder and casually turns her to face the opposite direction, summoning an image of little trumpets playing in the air* Dear captain Helen, your journey begins~

I got a laugh out of it just to sum up the opening, some terrible horror gliding toward the boat while the bird is laughing and we got the heck out of there. He calls her Helen because he checked her in at an Inn as Helen Back (Hell and Back) because of all the terrible stuff that happened in and prior the first session....I also wonder if that shadowy figure is going to have something to do with it :smalleek:

Demolicious
2014-09-19, 08:37 AM
I have a little murder mystery for you all this time. To set things up, a few things.

I'm the murder in this story, but I will not tell who I was playing, that'll be up for everyone to figure out.
For sake of not just using alignments to figure it out, I won't be giving alignments on evil-good axis, only lawful-chaotic. Evil alignment was also banned during character creation, so every one of the following started with neutral/good alignment. Everyone in the story has ability and chance to commit the murder.

Cast
Human male Ranger: Chaotic. Face of the party, prone to rash actions due to attempts of epicness. 1 of 2 remaining members of original party. Brother figure to the druid.
Human male Sorcerer: Chaotic. Fire based sorcerer whose main interest is setting everything possible on fire. Mostly quiet, wanders off on his own on occasion.
Tiefling male Dread necromancer: Lawful 1 of 2 people left from original group. Tends to get best along with the druid. Preferred approach to everything is summoned skeletal owlbears.
Half-fey female gnome Druid: Neutral. 2nd face of the party, favors hitting people with call lightning. Usually peaceful, threatens people when annoyed.
Dwarf male Cleric: Neutral. The murderer. Referred to as "potato" by people, due to his RP activity being equal to mentioned edible object.

Setting
Party had been fighting band of bounty hunters with a captive. Dwarf, having summoned celestial bison, orders it to kill the captive in order to get him out of the way. Boom, we have fallen cleric, who then proceeds to try and murder our captive bounty hunter, and threaten party. Is beaten unconscious by necromancer's zombie ogre, using dwarf as a club to pummel his bison to death. In the process, sorcerer set the forest on fire.
Dwarf is tied up by necromancer, dragged along after the party by druid's dire badger. He's let loose after another battle, screaming profanities to necromancer and being informed by ranger and druid that they'll let him loose if he promises to not try anything. Sorcerer disappears somewhere during the trip to town.

Later on in town, as party is eating breakfast, town blacksmith comes in screaming about demon sword ranger left at the smithy to be upgraded (ranger was extremely proud of that sword, taken from erinyes). He's informed sword is destroyed, and demands compensation. Blacksmith hits the ranger. During ranger and blacksmith exchanging blows, dwarf walks up and tries to hit blacksmith in the back with his warhammer, ranger jumps in to stop the blow. Necromancer walks out of the tavern, not wanting to partake in the fight itself. Druid's badger tries to grapple dwarf in order to get him to stop, and dwarf answers with critical hit, almost dropping it. Druid goes crazy and attacks dwarf along with ranger, and hearing badger scream in pain and druid in rage, necromancer comes back in, and blinds dwarf with a spell to stop him. Dwarf is beaten unconscious and captured by city guard.

Druid declares that dwarf as good as dead to her, but goes with ranger and necromancer go to see what he has to say for himself. Dwarf apologizes and claims that he doesn't know what madness took him over. Later, when rest of the group, including druid, discuss with guard captain, it seems dwarf might get free in few days. Druid requests that if he's released, guards make sure he can't harm anyone again, by atleast cutting his hands off. Ranger and necromancer agree dwarf has no place in the party anymore. Sorcerer is still missing.

Next morning, very pale captain of the guard comes to party's inn to report that dwarf has died during the night. Druid refuses to see the dwarf again, so necromancer and ranger go to see what's happened. At prison, they're shown every prisoner, and few guards, dead, devoured alive by thousands of spiders. Dead spiders litter the floor around the area. After short conversation with the captain, yielding no information about what happened, one of dead spiders is taken to druid for inspection. She confirms they're not from this region, and are magical. Sorcerer appears back to town about hour later, covered in ash. Party develops into series of theories about who is the murderer, while sorcerer starts to prepare sermon and funeral pyre for the dwarf.

Who did I play?





I was playing the dread necromancer. When dwarf was captured, I sent my imp to scout out to be able to tell from outside which cell the dwarf was placed in. Then, during the night, I snuck out, found the cell window, and summoned spider swarm on it. After that, I simply focused on the spell for next half an hour while walking back to inn.

EvilAnagram
2014-09-19, 09:58 PM
During a 4e campaign we ran a module from Encounters. I was playing a Changeling Chaos Sorcerer with a wisdom of 8. I named her Prudence.

Some highlights:

For the first two levels, I wouldn't choose what power I used. My concept was that Prudence didn't really understand how her magic worked... it just did. So I would roll a d4 and use whichever power it landed on. This worked out well once or twice.
After meeting with a local noble, I decided that he was a **** hole. I then proceeded to spread that through the city, which was undergoing a good bit of political turmoil and unrest. Cue large pieces of phallic graffiti appearing on buildings near his holdings.
I turned into an old man and promised urchins that I would pay the money to spread graffiti and rumors about that noble. The urchins did not get paid. They never found out it was me.
Rather than focus on the adventure, we plotted the destruction of the noble's manor for the first three sessions. Many died due to our negligence.
I accidentally caused a minor riot by casting my chaos bolt at a thief when his allies were nearby.
The first time we almost accomplished an actual goal, we accidentally burned down a warehouse, incensed the local guards, and ruined the documents we were trying to retrieve.
The second time we almost accomplished a goal, a recent add-on to the party burnt down the house we were in, killing everyone who lived there and severely scorching the rest of the party. She was shocked that we turned her in to the guards.
I was offered strange drugs at a society party in which we were supposed to be gathering intel. I took them and ended up freezing a couple guests. This amused the host. Wisdom of 8.
Even though the rest of the party was trying to help the local guards, the party rogue was helping the thieves guild. And was far more successful.
I offered a massive bribe in a high-crime area of the city in exchange for information about a crime. My DM asked for a Diplomacy check. I said hell no and rolled Bluff. When my informant demanded payment, I told him the local guards would supply it and walked away.
I tried to put out a fire by casting a power that had a random damage type, with a 1/6 chance of it being cold. It ended up being more fire. Wisdom of 8.
Eventually, we took initiative and tried to secure evidence of a crime in progress, forgetting to stop the crime, and letting half the nobility of the city die in a massive explosion.
When we finally faced the avatar of the god of murder, I critted and killed him on my first turn, before he got to act.
After failing in every way possible, then murdering the murder god, I became a local folk hero and built a phallic monument outside the noble's house to piss him off.


And thus ends the tale of Prudence.

It Sat Rap
2014-09-21, 04:14 PM
Have you ever encountered players so greedy that they put Uncle Scrooge to shame?

My group was roaming through a dungeon inhabited by frost giants. We came across a huge door made out of adamantine. We had to solve a puzzle to open the door but the GM was afraid we would simply break open the door, ignoring the puzzle. So he thought it would be a good idea to declare that the door is made out of the hardest material in the world so we have no chance to break it and solve the puzzle instead.

As I told you, the dungeon was inhabited by frost giants, and to solve the puzzle, you have to be able to understand the giant language. However, the DM didn't foresee that nobody in the party was able to speak giant and our casters didn't had any spells prepared to accomplish that either.

As the DM realised that we are stuck infront of the door, he had to change his plan. A frost giant simply opened the door from the other side not knowing that the party was waiting infront of the door. After we killed that frost giant we were able to move forward but then the players realized that they have a HUGE GIANT-SIZED DOOR COMPLETETLY MADE OUT OF ADAMANTINE infront of them. That thing surely is worth a lot! So the players declare that they try to take the door out of its hinges and drag it out of the dungeon. The GM said that the door is too heavy for us to lift, but we calculated our carrying capacity together and proved that we are able to drag the door if we are working all together. However, we could only move one square around and it took hours for our characters to drag that huge piece of loot out of the dungeon. Of course we were exhausted after that, but who cares, we have a huge door made out of adamantine!

Later we returned back into the dungeon. After the bossfight we found the treasure room and stuffed our pockets. At the end of the session we divided the loot and sold the stuff we don't need. Turns out that the most valueable piece we found in this dungeon was... a door.

I admit that our characters acted a bit unrealistic when they decided to drag a huge door around when there are enemies around but the GM did multiple mistakes in this one, too.

1. He confronted us with an unsolveable puzzle.
2. After the dungeon our characters had much more money then they should have relating to their level.
3. He underestimated how greedy players can be!
4. He underestimated how greedy players can be!!
5. He underestimated how greedy players can be!!!

Sajiri
2014-09-23, 06:14 PM
Last night I accidentally broke a boss encounter (to be fair, I didn't know it was meant to be a boss encounter)

Same game mentioned last time, my crew was sent to kick a bugbear (Garmall) off an island because he cheated on a bugbear lady we were on good terms with. Aside from the unsettling images it produced when Garmall walked out of the tent with another bugbear lady (Fess) saying "who interrupted honeymoon?" he was surprisingly easy to beat. I figured since I'd just been dumping my skillpoints into battle skills and we hadn't actually had any real combat in this game up til this session, the DM had just made it easy to see how it went for me.

The raging barbarian on my crew had been boxing with Fess while I was fighting Garmall, and he got utterly thrashed while she was completely unharmed. I wasn't expecting this to work but I tried it anyway for a laugh and said to her after killing garmall (with bluff I just happened to be dumping points into but not using it before now) 'We were doing you a favour, Garmall was a serial loverat.'

I managed to convince her with a combination of bluff, diplomacy, and a healthy dose of female empowerment (again, for a bugbear) he'd been running a scam marrying other lady bugbears and then leaving them to take advantage of another one. In the end I ended up with another friendly bugbear lady, an island to build my base on, and the dm saying 'congratulations, you were just a matt(the dm)-tier bard and broke your first boss encounter'

As it turned out, she was meant to have a special power like mine (her's being metal, the barbarian getting punched felt like he was being hit with warhammers) and I was supposed to have a difficult battle with her while my kitsune npc that sneaked along would rip open her body afterwards and steal/hide the crystal that gives those special powers so nobody but he and I knew about it. I liked my ending better.

The DM let me get away with it because I'd been too reliant on his prompts up until now and he'd been trying to encourage me to think outside the box. He just didn't expect me to handle my first boss that way.

Braininthejar2
2014-09-23, 07:03 PM
In an old Warhammer adventure the party encountered a crossdressing goblin chieftain (he was actually wearing dresses and jewelry of the witch he was serving, hoping to get some of her magical powers.

Party Gnome: Don't damage that tiara, I'm sure it's expensive!

(the team fighter proceeds to score a critical hit on the goblin. The critical table comes up as "your mighty blow split's your enemy's head in two.")

A couple days later they met the witch in question. Just as the gnome announced the intent of taking her alive for interrogation, she took a single crossbow bolt, the damage die exploded and she died on the spot.

The other things the gnome managed during that campaign was buying a ballista (which the party hauled for weeks and never used), obtaining an official document stating that he is in fact a gnome and not a dwarf (gnomes being rather rare in Warhammer - he got the paper after one city introduced a tax on dwarves) and solving one complicated mystery by breaking into a house of a very important NPC ninja style and interrogating him at knife point in his own bed.

illyahr
2014-09-24, 10:56 AM
During a 4e campaign we ran a module from Encounters. I was playing a Changeling Chaos Sorcerer with a wisdom of 8. I named her Prudence.

Some highlights:

For the first two levels, I wouldn't choose what power I used. My concept was that Prudence didn't really understand how her magic worked... it just did. So I would roll a d4 and use whichever power it landed on. This worked out well once or twice.
After meeting with a local noble, I decided that he was a **** hole. I then proceeded to spread that through the city, which was undergoing a good bit of political turmoil and unrest. Cue large pieces of phallic graffiti appearing on buildings near his holdings.
I turned into an old man and promised urchins that I would pay the money to spread graffiti and rumors about that noble. The urchins did not get paid. They never found out it was me.
Rather than focus on the adventure, we plotted the destruction of the noble's manor for the first three sessions. Many died due to our negligence.
I accidentally caused a minor riot by casting my chaos bolt at a thief when his allies were nearby.
The first time we almost accomplished an actual goal, we accidentally burned down a warehouse, incensed the local guards, and ruined the documents we were trying to retrieve.
The second time we almost accomplished a goal, a recent add-on to the party burnt down the house we were in, killing everyone who lived there and severely scorching the rest of the party. She was shocked that we turned her in to the guards.
I was offered strange drugs at a society party in which we were supposed to be gathering intel. I took them and ended up freezing a couple guests. This amused the host. Wisdom of 8.
Even though the rest of the party was trying to help the local guards, the party rogue was helping the thieves guild. And was far more successful.
I offered a massive bribe in a high-crime area of the city in exchange for information about a crime. My DM asked for a Diplomacy check. I said hell no and rolled Bluff. When my informant demanded payment, I told him the local guards would supply it and walked away.
I tried to put out a fire by casting a power that had a random damage type, with a 1/6 chance of it being cold. It ended up being more fire. Wisdom of 8.
Eventually, we took initiative and tried to secure evidence of a crime in progress, forgetting to stop the crime, and letting half the nobility of the city die in a massive explosion.
When we finally faced the avatar of the god of murder, I critted and killed him on my first turn, before he got to act.
After failing in every way possible, then murdering the murder god, I became a local folk hero and built a phallic monument outside the noble's house to piss him off.


And thus ends the tale of Prudence.

It's so...beautiful...

Inevitability
2014-09-25, 02:55 PM
A little gem (5e):

Half-elf sorcerer is looting a temple (don't ask), and comes across an imprisoned imp in a magic circle. I start describing the imp and the circle...

Me: The imp is sitting in the middle of a circle of glowing runes. Silver powder is scattered across it's borders, and...
Sorcerer: How much silver powder? What is its worth?
Me: Er... *looks up Magic Circle's description* About... 100 GP.
Sorcerer: I take it.
Me: :smalleek:

Needless to say, the imp escaped and the only reason the sorcerer didn't die was a natural 20 on a Persuasion check. He did get his silver powder, though.

tvinky
2014-09-26, 01:25 PM
Nothing major, but this was pretty funny last night.

I'm a dragonborn (Tü'Rûhn -- because, baby, I was dragonborn to run) Paladin of the Raven Queen.

My character has been cutting off the ears of all of the humanoid creatures he has killed, making them into a necklace which he has been pulling out when he tries to intimidate. My DM finds it amusing and gave me a +1 ceremonial dagger of ear cutting from a cult of Shar last match. We also found a room full of dead bodies with a barrel of blood.

Me: "Does the blood seem tainted?"
DM: "No. It seems like regular blood."
Me: "I make sure the fallen have found their way to my Queen and take the barrel."
DM: "It's just a regular barrel of blood."
Me: "If I cover myself in it...do I get a +1 to intimidate checks?"
DM: "...You're a 7 foot dragonoid creature in full plate, covered head to toe in blood...yeah. That's worth a +1."

Cue dungeon crawl.

I find a goblin imprisoned by his own people. He points out the room where his former allies are waiting, then makes a move for my dagger. I kill him, cover myself in the barrel of blood, kick in the door to the room, and throw his lifeless, earless body clear across it.

"SURRENDER NOW OR FIND YOUR FATE, GOBLINS!"

DM: "No one sees you."
Me: "Really? No one?"
DM: "No one. But they hear a commotion and come running out."

Forward to killing 20 goblins and bloodying the goblin king.

"YOU WILL KNEEL BEFORE THE RAVEN QUEEN, OR SHE WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD!"

-- botches the roll --

The goblin king turns and flees. I get an attack of opportunity.

-- botches the roll --

The goblin king escapes to a hidden passage. We can't follow him without taking an extended rest. We reluctantly rest and try to find a way to him.

We find a chamber with four goblins and two drakes. My first turn, I kill one drake. My second turn, I kill a goblin. My party dispatches another goblin and the second drake. On my third turn, I attack a goblin and use an action point to keep my "murder every time I blink" streak up. I completely crush him.

DM: "How do you kill him?"
Me: "In a single movement, I pull my ceremonial ear cutting dagger from its sheath, wrap my flail around the goblin's neck, pull it to me, and cut its ear off. I snap its neck and send it spinning to the ground."
DM: "...No, you don't. Come on. That wasn't a natural 20. You can't do that. What do you actually do?"
Me: "I ROLL VS THE GAME!"

Grab my die. Throw it to the board. NATURAL TWENTY.

DM: "...Seriously?!"
Me: "IN A SINGLE MOVEMENT-"
DM: "Okay! You do exactly what you said you did! You win vs the game!"
Me: "I turn to the remaining goblin, and I shout, 'YOU! PR--"
DM: "You're a 7 foot murdermonster covered head to toe in blood. You just mercilessly slaughtered his last ally. He immediately drops all of his weapons, falls to his knees, and offers you a trinket in exchange for his life. No rolls."

And that's how you win D&D!
that was amazing

tvinky
2014-09-26, 02:16 PM
I am curently runing a game as a first timer dm.
the party consists of 2 players a wizard and a fighter.

the wizard is a thiefling called gor he has 4 in strength, yes 4 all checks -3. and 8 con. 6 hp wooh.
the fighter is a gold dwarf called theo, he is your avarage joe 12 str 10 con and so on.
the problem with theo is that he is quite greedy, he went to a blacksmith to buy a dagger for unknown reasons and succeded in a bluff check saying that "I will come back with your 2 gold tomorrow". He then proceeds to go outside the shop and piss on the front door (please don't ask) as he whoops out his pee equipment a guard walks by and grabs his neck, opens the door and tells the shop owner what happened.

The shop owner is outraged and demanded 5 gold for cleaning up the mess. Theo agrees and throws a bluff nat 20 :smallannoyed: he then tells the owner "I will come back with your 5 gold tomorrow" he is released and waits untill midnight. When the clock strikes 12 he goes to the staircase in front of the shop and ****s (yes poops) on the staircase. Theo was quite surprised when the guards came to his house the next day since he had NOT payed the 7 gold (obviously), he ran from the guards and jumped into a river. (I do not know why he chose the river) the current was quite strong and he got dragged along. Our mage Gor saw the whole thing and started to go downstream to save the retarded fighter. after 4 failed swim checks he manages to get out of the river, he got up. I threw % to see if he encountered something. 97 % wow this is not good. he is attacked by a wolf and left for dead with -3 hp.

Theo the weak wizard found him and succeeded a first aid check, so now they are stranded by the river, gor unconcious and Theo with 4 strength...:smallannoyed::smallannoyed:

Lord Torath
2014-09-27, 08:51 AM
I am curently runing a game as a first timer dm.
the party consists of 2 players a wizard and a fighter.

the wizard is a thiefling called gor he has 4 in strength, yes 4 all checks -3. and 8 con. 6 hp wooh.
the fighter is a gold dwarf called theo, he is your avarage joe 12 str 10 con and so on.
the problem with theo is that he is quite greedy, he went to a blacksmith to buy a dagger for unknown reasons and succeded in a bluff check saying that "I will come back with your 2 gold tomorrow". He then proceeds to go outside the shop and piss on the front door (please don't ask) as he whoops out his pee equipment a guard walks by and grabs his neck, opens the door and tells the shop owner what happened.

The shop owner is outraged and demanded 5 gold for cleaning up the mess. Theo agrees and throws a bluff nat 20 :smallannoyed: he then tells the owner "I will come back with your 5 gold tomorrow" he is released and waits untill midnight. When the clock strikes 12 he goes to the staircase in front of the shop and ****s (yes poops) on the staircase. Theo was quite surprised when the guards came to his house the next day since he had NOT payed the 7 gold (obviously), he ran from the guards and jumped into a river. (I do not know why he chose the river) the current was quite strong and he got dragged along. Our mage Gor saw the whole thing and started to go downstream to save the retarded fighter. after 4 failed swim checks he manages to get out of the river, he got up. I threw % to see if he encountered something. 97 % wow this is not good. he is attacked by a wolf and left for dead with -3 hp.

Theo the weak wizard found him and succeeded a first aid check, so now they are stranded by the river, gor unconcious and Theo with 4 strength...:smallannoyed::smallannoyed:Wait. Is Theo the weak wizard or the stupid greedy dwarf?

SarcasticDom
2014-09-28, 05:30 AM
Here's a Dark Heresy story of me underestimating my friend's ingenuity/bloodlust.

The characters

GM: Me, owning the only copy of DH. It's my first time GM/DMing, and its our first DH session. Throughout the session I'm fairly open to allowing my players doing cool stuff. I also kept forgetting to roll for dodge and stuff, but the session relied on story instead of combat (only one instance of combat)

Ordos Machiavelli: With a name like this, I knew I was gonna have an interesting session. Created by the most… expressive friend, who we'll call J. J openly said that Ordos was being designed to screw with the game, so naturally he took Psyker. He was also raised on a shrine world and is extremely zealous over the Emperor. Aims to get an Eviscerator

Harlan 'Reck-em' Rector: An ex-Arbiter from a hive world, Harlan is the combat/stealth/action guy. Dual wields Las Pistols, spews the occasional one liner. Texas Ranger in Space.

PI Cassius Reeves: An ex-Arbiter, highborn. 'The-last-good-cop-in-this-city' kind of character. Investigator role. Dresses up like a 1920s detective, has Tommy gun inspired Tommy Gun.

The story

Story 1: Blind Detectives

The players go to the shop of the lead their inquisitor gave them, only to find he's missing, with his wife and shop assistant both brutally murdered in the style of one of the local gang lords. They then go upstairs to investigate.

Ordos: I role to investigate *fails* I'll burn a fate point *fails again*

Me: Well you're not an Arbiter, so maybe the others will do better.

Rector: Good point. *rolls and fails* Fate point *fails even worse*

Me: Well Cassius is the invesigator archetype.

Cassius: Yeah *rolls and fails* Oh come on! I'll burn a fate point *rolls and barely succeeds*

Me: After searching the small building for two hours, you find a small note…

Players: THATS IT?

Story 2: Dead-Ends… literally

At this point the players have got more leads on the lead's murder: gambling buddies, mistress and a brothel. They go to the mistress, talking about different questions to ask.

Me: You arrive at the relatively humble house.

Ordos: i roll a perception check *fails*

Me: You don't notice anything out of the ordinary from your attempted perception. However, all of you can see the door has obviously been barged down

Ordos: So I rolled for nothing?

*Players enter the house, weapons drawn*

Me: You see a man, who has been stabbed many times, lying dead on the floor. he is clearly the mistress' husband.

Players: Are you serious? more dead leads?

Me: You hear quick, pained breaths upstairs.

Cassius: I go upstairs.

Me: you find the mistress, laying there, almost dead.

Cassius: oh for f**ks sake.

Story 3: Phil, the group's bitch

The party go to a bar where Quor, their original lead used to gamble. Cassius and Ordos begin to play with the gambling buddies while Rector watches from across the room. The gambling buddies are a depressed officer worker, a shifty man, a guy in a leather jacket who looks tough and an old man.

Me: The shifty eyed man shuffles the card at an incredible speed.

Rector: I make a perception check to see if he is cheating *fails*

Me (as old man): Did you hear about Quor guys?

Cassius: Who is this Quor (lying, obviously)

Me (as old man): *gives information. As i do this i point out that the tough guy stares at the two PCs at the table Eventually i make them take an easy perception chech, which they pass, and they see him reaching into his jacket*

Cassius: Why don't you come outside, with us? *rolls intimidate and passes*

Me, as the tough guy: *extremely high pitched voice* Ok.

At this point the three players burst into laughter.

They interrogate this squeaky voiced man, named Phil, and Ordos manipulates his mind to make him serve them. he leads them to a local drug den, led by a guy called Dominic (improvising, I used my own name…).

Story 4: Where theres a Psyker, theres a way

The group make a basic plan: Rector will go with Phil through the front and claim to be interested in joining the gang while Ordos and Cassius climb a dumpster and enter through a window on the first floor.

A man named Tom (so 40k, wow) lets Rector and Phil in, after asking a few questions. the only question worth mentioning is 'can you shoot?'. There they meet Dominic and two other gang members, the fifth presumably in the basement cooking some stuff. Small talk ensues as the other two enter upstairs.

Me: Ordos, Cassius please take stealth checks.

*Ordos passes, Cassius doesn't*

Me, as Dominic: *hears footsteps upstairs* The f**k was that? *grabs las gun. Tom pulls out Las Pistol and aims at Rector*

And so began the stupidest fight in my short RPG history…

Ordos: The floor is quiet weak, so i attempt to smash through the floor *rolls strength and fails*

Rector: I look at Tom and say "You asked me if i could shoot. Allow me to show you. *pushes him aside and dives into cover, drawing both Pistols. He then proceeds to miss his shots*

Cassius: I go halfway down the stairs, where i can see the fighting and draw my gun.

Ordos: I draw my chainsword…

Me: And?

Ordos: I cut a circle around me.

Me: You cut through the wooden floor and fall through, landing on the table.

Que a fight where the gang members miss terribly, its revealed the players empty Phil's stub revolver and an epic sword fight between Ordos and Dominic begins on a table.

PsychoBear
2014-10-08, 11:26 AM
Dwarf male Cleric: Neutral. The murderer. Referred to as "potato" by people, due to his RP activity being equal to mentioned edible object.


Putting "The murderer" as part of a character description in which we are trying to determine the murderer is a bit confusing.

YossarianLives
2014-10-10, 07:53 PM
While DMing one of my players took leadership as a feat. Because of story reasons and also because the party didn't have a primary caster I decided to give him a wizard cohort. The wizard was meant to take a support role but the first spell the wizard cast (melfs acid arrow at a escaping enemy) missed the party automatically assumed that the wizard was "horrible and useless" and never let him cast a single spell again.

Mono Vertigo
2014-10-11, 06:28 AM
Played In Nomine Satanis with friends and my boyfriend. We might have watched too much Archer before starting the game.
Found out that yes, we can play murderhobos in that game. (One of them being my boyfriend, newbie at tabletop RPG, who's much bigger on the storytelling than on the rolling. I'm proud.)

Some (paraphrased/translated) quotes:
"I've got a specialty in disemboweling!" (Says one of our players, grabbing an old character sheet made by a previous player.)
"So, the car skill is about how I am at driving it, or at throwing it?"
"*sees roll at character creation* Alright, so your character is sexless. You were saying he's a sex offender?" "Bah, I can work with that."
"Don't worry, I'm keeping an eye on them. Says the 17-year-old boy."
"'kay, so we were tasked with generating some buzz. That, we've managed. Even though it's not at all about the book around which we were supposed to engineer that buzz." "You guys threw a car at policemen and wrecked everything." "Well, that's bound to generate some buzz. Also, I have nothing to do with any of the wrecking!"
"The boss isn't gonna be happy."
"I could check up on you after that huge hit, having Medicine 6 and all, but I'm not going to do anything actually because you had it coming." (Repeated throughout the session.)"
"I really don't know what the neighbours are going to think. [Pause] These ones in particular, but they're [REDACTED]." "Come on, say it louder!"
"*GM, after hearing stupid idea, stares, takes the candy box on the table, and opens it* The box says NOOOOOOO." (Repeated throughout the session, and even then, that didn't prevent all the stupid stuff from taking place.)

Dire Moose
2014-10-11, 10:48 AM
Zasimel, shark megalodon, samurai

Shark...samurai...WHAT.

angeliza
2014-10-16, 01:50 PM
First time-poster here!
I actually played D&D 5e for the first time just yesterday, and managed to fail so epic-ly...
...just...
...just read it, and you'll know.
XD

(I apologize ahead of time for the long post.)
Tiefling Paladin named Capernaum: Me
Genderless Halfing Sourcerer named Nyx: Scotty
Gnome Wizard who's-name-escapes-me: Melody
Mage who's-name-and-race-escapes-me: Brittany
DM: My friend Catherine
Since we were all new to 5e, (and most of us to D&D in general), we were playing the module.

Now, Aside from myself and Brittany, everyone was handed random pre-made character sheets...so we wound up with three magic-wielding small people, with myself as the only tank.
No rouge-ish class.
That alone does not bode well.
However, it got worse from there.

Following the module, we all had somehow been given the task of delivering a cart full of things for a dwarf. Capernaum was there since the dwarf was friends with the priest who took her in, and said priest had insisted that she help out.
She basically does whatever this specific priest asks of her, and so there she was.
Nyx had no clue why he was there.
The Gnome-wizard was just there to make sure the "idiots" didn't mess things up.
The Mage was there for the money.
The Mage doesn't really give a crap for anything other then money.

Anyways, the gnome, being the smallest party member, was driving, with the greedy mage sitting shot gun, and Nyx riding in the back, as Nyx is barely taller then the gnome, and did not fancy being trampled.
Being the most physically able of the party, (and since my long tail would take up to much room in the cart), I followed behind it on foot.
Shortly after everyone introduces themselves, etc, everyone spots some dead horses lying in the road, full of ominous black arrows.
The Gnome stops the cart.
Nyx decides to go investigate.
The mage follows Nyx hoping to find money on the dead horses.
The DM skipped me by accident.
(I was thinking to use "divine sense" to make sure that there was nothing waiting in the bushes to kill us, but I thought it'd be rude to interrupt Scotty's investigation of the dead horses).
So yeah, mid hobbit-investigation, we all discover that there was, infact, a bunch of goblins waiting in the bushes to kill us.
Mind you, all the small, magic-weilding party members were over by the dead horses at this point, and I was still way back, behind the cart, AND I am the only warrior-ish member of the party.
So obviously, I wanted to get to my other party members quickly, but first...

DM: Roll d20 for surprise.

...I rolled an 8, nd had to sit back the first round and watch my tiny party members tangle with goblins.
(The gnome rolled low too...but the DM was nice enough not to have anything attack her while she was stunned.)
Nyx rolled a twenty, an immediately began slicing at the nearest goblin with his tiny dagger.
The Mage rolled some mid-range number and started slashing with her short sword, and it finally got to me again.

DM: What do you do?
Me: I take out my sword, and run over to where the battle is taking place, preparing fo-...
DM: ...Ok, you run over. Next?
Me: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/images/smilies/smallstick/smallannoyed.gif

Nyx rolls a twenty and successfully wounds the goblin, it howls in pain.
The gnome is finally able to move again, and, as we are all level 1 and none of the small magic people in my party know any spells yet, she does the first thing she can think of;

Melody: I take out my wizard staff, and hit a goblin with it, as hard as I can.
DM: You swing your staff with all your might. Roll a d20.
Melody: *rolls a 1*
DM: You miss the goblin completely, instead hitting a nearby rock and breaking your staff in two. The Goblin steps back, wondering what the heck you're trying to do.

The Mage also rolls a 6 with a d6 and is successfully stabbing her goblin.
Back to me again.

DM: What do you do?
Me: I slice at the goblin with my longsword!
DM: You slice at the goblin?
Me: *nods* With my longsword!
DM: Roll a d20
Me: *rolls 13*
DM: You miss the goblin, and due to your high strength, you wind up lodging your sword in a nearby tree. the goblin chuckles and slices it's own weapon...what's your armor strength?
Me: 18.
DM: The blade slices open your shoulder, your blood drips to the ground...you only have 4 hp left, but you continue on by the strength of your faith as a paladin in your deity. Next.

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/images/smilies/smallstick/smallannoyed.gif
Ok, so it goes through again, Nyx and the Mage are happily stabbing away, Nyx's player continuously getting high rolls.
As for the Gnome...

DM: What the *frack* are you doing?
Melody: I don't have a weapon anymore...I don't know WHAT to do.
DM: You're in a FOREST. There are ROCKS. There are STICKS. Choose one, and hit him with it.
Melody: Ok....I pick up a rock, and hit him with it.
DM: You pick up a jagged rock from the ground, and bring it down on a goblin's skull...roll a d20.
Melody: *rolls another really low number*
DM: *laughs* You miss, and wind up accidentally throwing the rock away...it is currently hanging out by Capernaum's sword in the tree. The goblin is laughing at your failure.
Melody: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/images/smilies/smallstick/smallfrown.gif

So, it get's to me again.

DM: What do you do?
Me: I try to hit it with my sword...?
Brittany: Your sword's stuck in a tree.
Me: Oh yeah! In that case, I hit it with my sheild!
DM: Um...how about you do a strength check to pull your sword out of the tree?
Me: Um...ok...?
DM: Roll a d20.
Me: *rolls 17, with a +2 modifier*
DM: Hmm...close enough. You pull your sword from the tree. Next.

At this point, I was hoping my luck had turned around since I had FINALLY rolled a higher number.
So it goes around again. Nyx is still stabbing, and the Mage has managed to kill the goblin she was fighting, and the gnome...

DM: NOW what do you do?
Melody: I grab two sticks and rub them together to make a fire.
DM: Um...ok...roll a d20.
Melody: *rolls 6*
DM: Nothing happen except for a few splinters of wood flying off. The Goblin mocks your failure, then moves on in pursuit of your more capable party members. Next.
Melody: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/images/smilies/smallstick/smallannoyed.gif
It eventually got to me again, and I’m feeling a bit more confident.

DM: What do you do?
Me: I STAB IT.
DM: Ok. Roll a d20.
Me: *rolls another 13*
DM: You stab for the goblin one more, but mid swing, your shoulder gives out. You lose your balance and fall to the ground on your face. The goblin points and laughs at you, you poor, poor failed excuse for a paladin as you lie in the blood soaked dirt on the forest floor. The goblin leaves you there, and goes to raid the cart. Next.

At this point, I was both laughing, and really frustrated.
It went around the table again, Nyx/Scotty still rolling incredibly well, the mage/ Brittany was gloating over being the only one to slay a goblin, and the gnome…

Melody: I HIT IT WITH THE HOT STICKS.
DM: Umm, I really don’t think that’s going to do much…
Melody: I HIT IT. WITH. THE STICKS.
DM: Oooo-kay...roll a d20.
Melody: *rolls another 1*
DM: *laughs* You’re sticks never connect. You lose your balance mid swing fall…*rolls dice*...on the goblin. The goblin does not apreciate this, and stabs you. What’s your armor class?
Melody: ...10…
DM: OH.
Melody: ...I’m dead, arn’t I?
DM: *doesn’t want anyone to die on our first session* No! You arn’t dead, you’re just...in the negatives! You’re hp is reduced to negative 3, and you are knocked out.
Melody: But the goblin is still…
DM:...don’t worry, ONE OF YOUR PARTY MEMBERS CAN SAVE YOU. *looks meaningfully at the rest of us.*

So yeah.
The Mage saved her by distracting the goblin with swordplay, and it got back to me.

DM: You’re sword arm is too damaged to swing your blade any more. What do you do?
Me: I throw my shield at the goblin like Captain America. That takes strength, right? So my +2 modifier…
DM: Um, no. But you CAN roll for dexterity...you run up to the cart, and try to hit the goblin upside the head with your shield. Roll a d20.
Me: *rolls 1* CRAP.
DM: You run with a sudden burst of strength at the cart, leaping in the air to bash your shield into the goblin...only for the goblin to side-step your attack. You land on the opposite side of cart, once again on your face in the dirt. The goblin stops to laugh at your antics once more...you have succeeded in distracting it, but otherwise have failed to do anything useful what’s-so-ever. Next.

Nyx rolled ANOTHER TWENTY and that was the end of the session.
If only my dice loved me as much as his apparently love him...
XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

lytokk
2014-10-16, 02:00 PM
I might not know 5e, but is a miss in that system a critical failure? I thought that was just on a 1? And even then it was a house-rule. Kinda makes me not want to play 5e if thats the case.

angeliza
2014-10-16, 02:06 PM
@lytokk
No. But our DM rolled a twenty for the goblins. So anything not near that fails...so I keep getting a hard time of things. I actually think she may be doing something wrong...it IS her first time DMing. However, I'm new to D&D, so I don't know for sure.

ComaVision
2014-10-16, 02:31 PM
@lytokk
No. But our DM rolled a twenty for the goblins. So anything not near that fails...so I keep getting a hard time of things. I actually think she may be doing something wrong...it IS her first time DMing. However, I'm new to D&D, so I don't know for sure.

I haven't played D&D 5 but I have read the rulebook, and frequently play 3.5. Missing doesn't mean your sword goes flying/you fall over/etc.

DireSickFish
2014-10-16, 02:56 PM
@lytokk
No. But our DM rolled a twenty for the goblins. So anything not near that fails...so I keep getting a hard time of things. I actually think she may be doing something wrong...it IS her first time DMing. However, I'm new to D&D, so I don't know for sure.

Reading your post she is doing a lot of things wrong. She is making a lot of rookie GM mistakes and getting rules wrong. Even though a 1 is alwayse a miss on attack roles that doesn't mean you take damage and lose equipment. Even if you are houseruling that 1's cause "random crit failure bad things" to happen your sword getting stuck in the tree on a 13 is just bad DMing. There is no reason to take away your players ability to fight for mediocre roles.

She also should have went over your players abilities with them before the session. It sounds like they all went into mele and none of them knew about there spells -at all-. You should take some time to read the PHB and go over the classes with the new players so they have a better understanding of what they can do.

angeliza
2014-10-16, 08:20 PM
Reading your post she is doing a lot of things wrong. She is making a lot of rookie GM mistakes and getting rules wrong. Even though a 1 is alwayse a miss on attack roles that doesn't mean you take damage and lose equipment. Even if you are houseruling that 1's cause "random crit failure bad things" to happen your sword getting stuck in the tree on a 13 is just bad DMing. There is no reason to take away your players ability to fight for mediocre roles.

She also should have went over your players abilities with them before the session. It sounds like they all went into mele and none of them knew about there spells -at all-. You should take some time to read the PHB and go over the classes with the new players so they have a better understanding of what they can do.

Ah, thanks. I'll try to go over it with her and the other players. Thankyou for your advice, guys!
Hopefully the next time we play, things will go better, and i will STILL have some interesting stories to tell.^^

cougon
2014-10-17, 08:54 PM
Ah, thanks. I'll try to go over it with her and the other players. Thankyou for your advice, guys!
Hopefully the next time we play, things will go better, and i will STILL have some interesting stories to tell.^^

You're also going to want to look at the rules regarding death and such. There are no negative HPs in 5E and the system for death is much different than previous versions. Your mage would have been fine for at least a few rounds.

mythmonster2
2014-10-30, 01:24 PM
AD&D game, playing a Halloween session with my group. I'm playing as a paladin. The gist of the session is that we were invited to a party when the host realized that he had, *gasp*, forgotten the candy. So we have to go trick-or-treating at the four houses on the street. Each house would only give us candy if we did certain things, basically minigames. The first three went fine (well, we lost someone in the first one, but that house was "safe" and he just respawned). The fourth house had a fight with undead as its thing, and we were able to handle that just fine. However, after killing the undead, a skeleton comes out a door and basically goes, "Oh goddammit, who let those guys out? It's gonna take forever to clean this mess up." Rest of the party was amused, but my paladin... "Wicked undead!" and a swing for 3 damage. The skeleton told the rest of the party to leave, and then dumped a 20d6 fireball on me. Turned out the four houses were the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and I'd just hit Death. Did I mention we're 3rd level? On the bright side, our party did need a cleric...

Yukitsu
2014-11-01, 12:26 PM
Been a while since I've been in a game, but this is for the Shadowrun campaign I've been running for a few sessions now.

Me: OK, so there are camera and news feeds of you three shoveling viscera and bloody chunks from the back of the half exploded armoured truck into the street with your gigantic spirit stripping that stuff off the pavement and shoving it into your van. They can see a guy gushing blood in tatters being rolled out the back of what is left of that thing as both vehicles cruise down a municipal road. You all get one point of notoriety and public awareness.
Player 1: Yeah, can't really argue that.

Player 2: Wait wait wait. we could get through the entire thing if one of us took the novacoke, we don't all have to take it.
Me: I never thought I'd hear my players ever say "Wait guys, only one of us has to do cocaine to complete this mission!"
Player 1: We could be doing meth instead, that looks like it would work too.
-In the end, they settled for just using long haul.

Player 1: OK, so I'm up for 4 days, after that I'm out, but I guess we should really be done by then.
Player 2: Or you'll be scrambling around like maniacs in Heathrow when you just topple over.
Me: At that point, this basically turns into something like a Guy Ritchie movie.

Me: You guys are about one botched roll away from the news article "Virtual Disney World Massacre" going up on the matrix tomorrow.

Me: You know, despite all of the deaths that have occurred to date, and all your attempts to the contrary, it's rather amusing to me that you lot have still failed to actually kill anyone.
Player 3: Yeah, but isn't that considered a good thing?
Me: Only if you weren't trying so hard to kill people.

kalgeron
2014-11-08, 12:57 PM
so in the first session of a pathfinder campaign our rogue wasn't there so we played without her it was the first sesion so it didn't really matter im playing a barbarian and my friend is playing an alchemist. i arrive in a town and five minutes later hes managed to blow the entire thing up. we then get arrested and put into a section of the army known as the suicide squads the town were in is invaded by a battalion of ships and a couple dirigibles. after about 30 rounds of combat ( were i expertly used what i had to make a bottleneck around the beach and 300 most of the zombies) i then grab the alchemist and put him and me in and me in a catapult (against his will) and land in the balloon. we to shorten the story we win and now have a dirigible so my friend says lets name it after that town i burned down so we look to our dm and he explains he named the town before either of us decided to go theire the towns name .... was Hindenburg. then next session our rogue comes in and looks at the name of our ship and says huh that's were my charechters wife lives

Drake2009
2014-11-09, 11:34 PM
Yay, more people. So the story.
Me: Human cleric
Squishyface: Sorcerer goblin (its his nickname that he hates)
Andr: Cant remember name, Android fighter
HappyGoGunny: Gunslinger with a musket and a sonic stun gun.

This is a pathfinder game where spaceships crashed like thousands of years ago and stuff.
Were inside the spaceship. we open a door and find some plant thingies. One is really big, with a cool hammer.

Fight begins, after some fighting, i step back and cast comprehend language.

Junior: Please let me kill them!!
Chief: no, we need to grow the tribe.
Me: I try talking to him
Dm: doesnt understand
Chief: i know you are trying to communicate, but i cant tell what you are saying!
Goblin:I try goblin!
Dm: nope.
Me: argh...
Me: OH I KNOW, Drow sign language! (i took this as a joke, cause it was funny.):smallbiggrin:
Me: *begins to dance IRL and ingame* You know this?
Chief:.....Yes!
Us: WHA!
Party: sees me start dancing and chief guy nodding a lot.
Me: stars questioning him
Chief: answers, then eventually attacks again.
Fight continues, and i get knocked out, they surrender after the gunslinger attacks with the stun gun
Me: (after being healed up) *continues to dance irl* continues questioning
Chief: You dancing is getting annoying, does anyone speak undercommon? i understand that
Me: *whispers to goblin* you speak undercommon?
Goblin: Yeah, why?
Me: no reason.
Me: ....Nope sorry! *continues dancing*
Party irl: Facepalm....(the goblin tried to metagame it, but dm stopped him.)
Later....
DM: he takes you into a room, and shows you 4 dead bodies of your fellow worshippers of brigh, all laid out honorably, like a shrine.
Me:....They worship Brigh:smallconfused:.....God of MACHINERY!
Party: LOL
After that, we lead them out of the ship, and show them another guy who had mold over him like the brigh follower, they take him with them as they leave.
Later that evening out of campaign
Dm: You realize those were chaotic evil creatures? they only wanted to get out of there, so they could keep converting people.
Me and gunslinger: Ehh, whatever, the town and people by the ship are safe, and now its not my problem!:smalltongue:

PendragonSpirit
2014-11-12, 06:34 PM
2nd Edition D&D game. My character is an elven mage/rogue. This character is TERRIBLE at making rolls for thief skills (seriously, BAD), and despite having a fairly high lockpick skill (around 65-70%), regularly rolls in the high 80s or 90s on percentile dice. He has broken more locks than he's opened, and once nearly drowned while performing a Houdini-style escape from a tank filling with water (he had to be saved by the party fighter, who bargained for his life.) At one point, the party is incapacitated by the villain, who chains them all to the wall - everyone EXCEPT for the rogue. He leaves a single lock pick and a sword (a magical, semi-sentient sword, owned by another party member, which hated rogues with a passion and damaged them if they so much as picked it up.) The party BEGS the rogue not to try picking the locks, but instead to ACTIVELY hurt himself by cutting the chains with the sword which hates him. Of course, I didn't listen, and proudly argued I could free them without nearly killing myself. Three successful lock pick attempts and one severe botch (00) later, the dwarf is dangling several feet off the ground by a single wrist, and the pick has been broken beyond use.

I took the damage and cut down the owner of the sword, who freed the rest of the party.

----------

Another time, same character. We had been graciously aided by a friendly church, which was located in an unsavory party of town. My rogue, in classic "his heart is in the right place" style, uses some pull he has with the Guild to "make sure nobody goes near that church." The Guild took this entirely literally, and prevented ANYONE from going to the church. When we came back some time later, the church could not figure out why people stopped coming and donating, and were considering shutting their doors. I then had to pay the Guild for services rendered, as they had TECHNICALLY done what I had asked.

----------

Same character, some time later. Due to some divine intervention and a near-death experience, my character had lost his rogue levels and made them up in wizard levels. Our group was staying the night at the home of a friendly farmer, and my character was tasked with keeping the kids entertained. We played hide-and-seek, and my character hid in an outhouse. When he heard the kids getting close, he cast "Alter Self" (or some similar spell, I don't recall exactly which) to assume the form of a large troll. Kids open door to outhouse, large troll comes rushing out, kids flee in terror. Later, I was told to behave and help put the kids to bed. So I told them a story, ending it with "...and then I died!" while casting Wraithform. Cue screaming children running out of the house and into the night.

LordofPlataea
2014-11-12, 08:08 PM
Hello all! First time poster in this thread. I have read the other thread, as well as this one and I think it's about time for me to contribute.

I am the DM for a Pathfinder group who seem to delight in screwing up as massively as possible. Case in point:

Cast: who and what the players were is of no consequence as they all did the same thing (keep in mind, however, I did have 3 10 year veterans of DnD who really should have known better. )

We had just begun the Tomb of Horrors and, though many shenanigans ensued, this one takes the cake. I shall spoiler the rest in case you haven't run the Tomb of Horrors.

Somewhere within the Tomb, affixed to a wall, there is the relief of a demon's head, jaws agape, with naught but darkness filling its mouth. The relief is or is not green, I can't recall, but my players sure believed it was and, thanks to a cryptic poem, they believed it was their ticket out.

So they inspect it, check it for traps, detect magic on it, even throw things into the mouth. After witnessing a few tossed coins being sucked into the mouth, the players decide, as a whole, that the mouth is obviously a portal and they should climb into it.

The first up is the rogue (one of two in the party so no real loss) who climbs up to the mouth, moves his head towards the mouth and is promptly pulled off his feet and sucked in. After calling his name and receiving no response, the other party members huddle up and have a lengthy conversation about what they should do next. I'm confident at this point that someone would see the nonsense of their plan and put a stop to it. At the end of their conversation, one of my Veterans says to me, "I'm crawling into the mouth."

I'm standing there, mouth literally agape, scrambling to find a way to stop him without breaking immersion and completely drawing a blank. So I just watch in mute horror as yet another character is sucked into the mouth.

At this point, everyone is set on crawling into this thing, so I spring into action. I give the relief a palpable aura of evil(party of good who should have thought twice), everyone near it is feeling uneasy (no save), and I'm forcing will saves on anyone who even attempts to touch the head. Sadly, all for naught.

Eight characters, one at a time, willingly crawled into this head and, short of Deus Ex Machina, there was nothing I could do.

After the last character had crawled in, there was a moment of silence. The party waited in eager anticipation of what lay next in the tomb, I sat in stunned horror at what had occurred. I stood up, closed my books, and said, "Congratulations everyone, you have all willingly crawled into a Sphere of Annihilation," then walked out.
At the time, not so funny. In retrospect, we laugh everytime we talk about it. It's become one of those things in our group where no matter how bad you may screw up an adventure, it's never quite as bad as the above story. Hope you've all enjoyed! Cheers.

Milodiah
2014-11-12, 08:19 PM
Reminds me of a quote from an RPPR playthrough of Call of Cthulhu...

"You guys do realize we're walking right into Ross's trap, right?"
"What trap? I'm not doing anything, you guys are building the trap yourselves! You're over here like, 'Ooh, yeah, can we add some spikes to the trap? Maybe electrify it or something?'"

ellindsey
2014-11-12, 09:17 PM
DM: spends ages writing up an adventure involving a forgotten fortress full of monsters and treasure, arranges for the players to find the diary of the last guy there with instructions on how to find it...

Players: meh.

Random encounter Dryad: and it's been ages since I last heard from the Forest Queen...

Players: WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FOREST QUEEN!

DM: Dammit, that was an ad-lib! I don't even know what happened to her! I haven't written that part of the world yet!

Dimers
2014-11-13, 07:44 AM
DM: spends ages writing up an adventure involving a forgotten fortress full of monsters and treasure, arranges for the players to find the diary of the last guy there with instructions on how to find it...

Players: meh.

Random encounter Dryad: and it's been ages since I last heard from the Forest Queen...

Players: WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FOREST QUEEN!

DM: Dammit, that was an ad-lib! I don't even know what happened to her! I haven't written that part of the world yet!

Zen And The Art Of The Gentle Railroad: a while back a terrible person kidnapped the Forest Queen and took her to the forgotten fortress full of monsters and treasure. As a side benefit, that helps explain the local ecology -- monsters eat the plants that grow up around her and the wild birds and beasts that are drawn to her.

Khedrac
2014-11-13, 07:50 AM
is promptly pulled off his feet and sucked in
And that's your problem. If air is rushing into it, it should have been obvious before they got close, and from both your description and the standard description that is not the case - so no way is he sucked in for going close.
Now if he touches it he is still not sucked it - how much of him is affected depends on how you rule it, but "sucked in" does not happen.
Chances are the party can still do what they did, but it gives them a lot more of a chance to investigate and work out something about what is happening.

Illogictree
2014-11-14, 12:38 PM
And that's your problem. If air is rushing into it, it should have been obvious before they got close, and from both your description and the standard description that is not the case - so no way is he sucked in for going close.
Now if he touches it he is still not sucked it - how much of him is affected depends on how you rule it, but "sucked in" does not happen.
Chances are the party can still do what they did, but it gives them a lot more of a chance to investigate and work out something about what is happening.

Actually, that's part of the Sphere's mechanics - anything you stick partially into the sphere is immediately drawn in entirely. It doesn't use air suction, so there IS no "air rushing in" to give warning.

The character in question went and stuck his head straight into the sphere BEFORE this happened, in case you missed that.

The Random NPC
2014-11-14, 07:30 PM
Actually, that's part of the Sphere's mechanics - anything you stick partially into the sphere is immediately drawn in entirely. It doesn't use air suction, so there IS no "air rushing in" to give warning.

The character in question went and stuck his head straight into the sphere BEFORE this happened, in case you missed that.

I'd think that air pressure would cause the rushing of air. After all, the air is effectively next to a 0 atm hole.

bulbaquil
2014-11-14, 09:14 PM
I'd think that air pressure would cause the rushing of air. After all, the air is effectively next to a 0 atm hole.

By that logic the entire room should be airless, since the Sphere wasn't in an airtight container other than the room (which is probably itself not airtight, meaning the entire dungeon and possibly - depending on how long ago the Sphere was placed there and how airtight the dungeon is - the entire planet would also be airless). :smallsmile:

The Random NPC
2014-11-14, 10:40 PM
By that logic the entire room should be airless, since the Sphere wasn't in an airtight container other than the room (which is probably itself not airtight, meaning the entire dungeon and possibly - depending on how long ago the Sphere was placed there and how airtight the dungeon is - the entire planet would also be airless). :smallsmile:

Eventually, yes. But that's what permanent portals to the Plane of Air are for.

Inevitability
2014-11-15, 01:31 AM
A Sphere of Annihilation is a device of ultimate horror, an artifact with the ability for near unlimited destruction. It also is frequently used by evil wizards in their lairs.

I think whatever wizard creates SoA would think to cover them in a few spells to prevent 'nonliving, nonmagical air' from rushing in.

On the other hand, Acererak is undead... Wait. I got it. To add to its deathtrap-ness, it will be drained of air if I ever run it. :smallamused:

DM: You stand for the entrance of the ToH. Two large sealed doors with skulls carved into them prevent access.
Players: We open them!
DM: The moment you start moving the doors, air starts rushing in. You are all dragged along, past several traps (roll me 45 saving throws, please) and through various doors and secret passages which all have been opened, probably for this exact case. The air current drags you into a small black sphere it is flowing in. You are dead, please make new characters.
Players: :smalleek:

Milodiah
2014-11-15, 05:03 AM
DM: You stand for the entrance of the ToH. Two large sealed doors with skulls carved into them prevent access.
Players: We open them!
DM: The moment you start moving the doors, air starts rushing in. You are all dragged along, past several traps (roll me 45 saving throws, please) and through various doors and secret passages which all have been opened, probably for this exact case. The air current drags you into a small black sphere it is flowing in. You are dead, please make new characters.
Players: :smalleek:

It's not so much railroading as an entire rollercoaster made out of murder.

Mono Vertigo
2014-11-15, 08:33 AM
DM: You stand for the entrance of the ToH. Two large sealed doors with skulls carved into them prevent access.
Players: We open them!
DM: The moment you start moving the doors, air starts rushing in. You are all dragged along, past several traps (roll me 45 saving throws, please) and through various doors and secret passages which all have been opened, probably for this exact case. The air current drags you into a small black sphere it is flowing in. You are dead, please make new characters.
Players: :smalleek:

That's beautiful, and Gygax must be crying a single tear right now, wherever he is.
(Whether that's a tear of joy or consternation is debatable.)

bulbaquil
2014-11-15, 09:34 AM
I think whatever wizard creates SoA would think to cover them in a few spells to prevent 'nonliving, nonmagical air' from rushing in.


Yeah, that's how I'd justify it. The Sphere of Annihilation's external "membrane" exerts a magical buoyant force that matches the surrounding air pressure and prevents air from rushing in. This buoyant force is insufficient, however, to stop things exerting more force against the membrane than the ambient air pressure, such as raindrops, thrown coins, and curious adventurers.

Templarkommando
2014-11-15, 08:43 PM
This all occurred in a 2nd ed campaign.

There of course was the time that a Centaur Cleric (whose name I forget) was pranked by a Human Cleric (whose player was really bad at naming characters. He put P.L.L. as the name, so we all called him Pikachu Lord Larry).

We're all sitting in a pub. The barmaid comes and gets our drink order, and Pikachu Lord Larry slips away from the table. While we're waiting on our drinks, he spends the next 5-10 minutes convincing the bartender that he should put horsemeat into the Centaur's beer or else it will be taken as an insult. Finally, the barmaid shows up and plops down a mug of ale mixed with horsemeat which of course is highly offensive to the Centaur. We laughed at this of course, because cannibalism is funny - and we weren't even in the frozen land of Nador.

Pikachu Lord Larry was a follower of a deity of his own making known as Saint Fu. This was particularly funny whenever someone was really long-winded so he would invoke his deity St. Fu. The DM justified the abilities of PLL to cast spells claiming that the spells were actually granted to him by an amused deity of chaos - since St. Fu didn't actually exist.

My Character was a Chaotic Good Human fighter named Andromar, who might as well have been Lawful Good. This character wasn't especially smart, and so the party's rogue (a miscreant by the name of Daenir) convinced Andromar to purchase a hat of disguise for Daenir's use. Not knowing that Daenir was chaotic neutral (almost chaotic evil) he proceeded to take the hat and go on a murder spree. Andromar finally discovered Daenir's misdeeds after following him to a stable and discovering an empty building. Upon further inspection Andromar discovered a murdered stable master buried in some straw - Daenir had murdered him on the rather tenuous premise that he had been cheated. At this point Andromar swore never to purchase anything for Daenir ever again, and began planning to kick Daenir out of the party - however the issue of the murdered stable boy needed to be tended to first. Andromar proceeded to take the corpse to a nearby temple and ask to pay for a resurrection. I could of course afford this, but at a significant loss of cash upon casting. The priests also demanded that the murderer should be apprehended as part of the exchange for casting the resurrection - to which the murderous Daenir responded "Well! Let's go get him!" There's more to that story, but that's the funny part.

LordofPlataea
2014-11-16, 02:05 AM
Milodiah:



It's not so much railroading as an entire rollercoaster made out of murder.


Can I please sig this? I've been laughing about it for 20 minutes lol

Inevitability
2014-11-16, 02:26 AM
Not knowing that Daenir was chaotic neutral (almost chaotic evil) he proceeded to take the hat and go on a murder spree.

[Insert long, thread-derailing discussion about how this behavior isn't CN, but more like Stupid Evil or very, very CE here]

Milodiah
2014-11-16, 03:25 AM
Milodiah:



Can I please sig this? I've been laughing about it for 20 minutes lol

Feel free.

Yukitsu
2014-11-16, 06:04 PM
DM: You see two doors with a man guarding each. One always tells the truth, one always lies. Think carefully before you ask.
Me: Do I get more than one question?
DM: :smallannoyed:

Dire Moose
2014-11-19, 09:56 AM
These didn't happen in any of my adventures and I forget where I first read them, but these really are too good not to share:

(first)
DM: As you enter the ice cave, you see a small hole in the wall to your left.
Player: I reach in and feel around.
DM: You feel extreme pain as your arm is ripped off.
Player: Holy crap! I stick my head in the hole to find out what happened to my arm!

(second)
The characters are in a tavern.
Player 1: I get up and sing a song. *rolls Perform check, fails*
DM: The patrons boo at you and start throwing things.
Player 2: I throw a soggy carrot.
DM: Would you like to make an attack roll for that carrot?
Player 2: Sure. *rolls natural 20*
DM: Critical hit, roll to confirm.
Player 2: *rolls another natural 20*
DM: Wow, possible instant death. Roll to confirm.
Player 2: *confirms roll, death by soggy carrot*

MelThorn
2014-11-19, 11:57 AM
When the following tale occurred, I had never played any tabletop RPG before, and was completely new to the whole thing, but was really interested in it. I was about nineteen at the time. My friends introduced me to this massive community of friends who got together almost every week to role play. I've never seen anything like it before, and haven't seen it since, except possibly in MMORPGs. They all knew each other, quite well in fact, but I was totally new there, and save for the companions that brought me along, I didn't know any of them and felt a bit like a wallflower. Still, watching them play was engaging for the most part.

One of these two friends that brought me to the house where they all gathered to play had a crush on me. He was a pretty cool guy, and we had a lot of common interests. However, his feelings for me were a bit awkward, not because he wasn't fun... but because he was married, and I was also friends with his wife. Therefore, I had to turn down most of his advances... though this never appeared to thwart him one bit.

After bringing me to the house to join them on the massive game everyone was involved in, they told me the basic house rules and how to go about creating my first ever character. I was extremely excited about this, because I love to create characters and tell stories and play out their roles. I knew I was going to have a good time if I gave it a try. They told me if I had any questions, to consult with the GM. I proceeded to do so.

When I got the chance to speak to him, I asked him many questions pertaining to building my character, the statistics I'm meant to give them, how to write up a sheet, etc. I then asked him one of the primary questions on my mind:

"Could I play a male character? I'd like to."

I was new to this whole thing, so I expected to be mocked or made fun of for this, as I'm female in real life. On the contrary, the GM was really cool about it.

"This is our universe, and you can be whoever you want to be. If you want to play a guy, go right ahead! Everything is up to you!"

Relieved, I started making my new character, who was, in fact, male. I made him a little cocky, a little arrogant, and a bit of a troublemaker, one who always gets in trouble with the law. I found it to be amusing.

My married friend, on the other hand, was not amused.

"Building your character, huh?" he asked me when he saw me working on my sheet.

"Yup. His name's Jack." I was drawing his portrait on the back of my sheet.

"Wait. You're playing a guy?"

Confused, I asked, "Yeah, why?"

He gives me a grumpy, pouty look. "Why do you want to play a guy?"

Ugh. I saw this conversation coming, but didn't know it would happen so soon. "Because I want to."

"I pictured you as something different. Like... a warlock seductress or something. I think that's what you should play. You'd be really cool playing that."

Of course, I knew the real reason why he wanted me to play a female character, but his frustration led to me becoming even more dedicated to my male role. "I don't want to play that."

"But you'd be hot like that."

I told him I made my decision and to basically leave me alone. He did not. It came up more than it should have, even when the group led me into an introductory tutorial to tabletop role playing. The game was basically me and my friend's character in a bar together. Mine was attempting to buy him a drink, and I admit, I laid it on thick, and I could tell it made him feel strange, which back then I felt guilty for, but now I'm entertained by. When my "tutorial" session finished and the other guys at the table pretty much just told me "so that's how the game goes!" without even giving two craps that my character was male, my friend is meanwhile stewing at me. He confessed that me playing a male character made it difficult for his overpowered gothic Drizzt type dude to hit on mine because his wasn't gay. I admit, he seemed genuinely and concurrently saddened and angered by this turn of events. He then began insulting my character every chance he got and started telling me how little he liked him, and how I should play something else. My job here is to play the game, man, not make you happy, FFS.

Why did he have to hit on my character at all? Not even in a damn game where I'm pretending to be somewhere and someone else could I escape his creepiness >.<

Anyways, that was a long time ago. I'm thirty years old now, married, and play a weekly DnD session with my husband and brother-in-law, who is not only a great DM, but funny! Good things come to those who wait, I suppose.

And no, my husband would not give a damn if I played a dude.

ComaVision
2014-11-19, 12:29 PM
-snip-

The story would be easier to read if you mentioned you're female earlier on.

That being said, it sucks you had to endure that. This story belongs in the thread that has the worst player experiences.

MelThorn
2014-11-19, 12:49 PM
This story belongs in the thread that has the worst player experiences.

It definitely wasn't one of the best experiences, but looking back on it, I thought the whole thing was pretty funny. Or maybe I have an odd sense of humor.
My husband was reading me some of the stories from the thread and decided to share mine. Sorry if I posted in the wrong one.

Lord Torath
2014-11-19, 01:39 PM
Therefore, I had to turn down most of his advances... Only most? :smallbiggrin:

Sorry you had a hard time back then, but I'm glad you can look back on it and laugh!

PsychoBear
2014-11-19, 01:50 PM
Ignore, realized I was wrong after posting.

Dr. Jackal
2014-11-25, 10:15 AM
So i recently joined a group of players doing a Fallout RPG. So in came Dr. Jackal.

Skills; medicine, science, repair, survival, melee weapons.

Equpment;

Weapons: Dr. Stabby (Machete sized scalpel)
Dart gun (loaded with w.e drugs or poison i made recently)
And a seemingly unlimited amount of throwing scalpels.

Armor: kevlar reinforced trenchcoat.
Custom gas/breathing mask

Other: seemingly unlimited supply of drugs, alchohol, and meds from the depths of trenchcoat

Nurse: a modified army combat bot that has been modified with auto-doc parts. Unfortunately still has loud army voice installed.


About the Dr. ....Insane, drunk, no respect for authority, and a sadistic *******. When the group found me i was elbow deep in one of the travellers i had captured and was torturing. I attempted to drop a flashbang and knockout gas them which resulted in me blowing myself up while they watched. I then forced them to hire me and carry my gear to their lab.
So far on several occasions they have had to stop me from:
-operating on their soldiers
-experimenting on their soldiers
-using soldiers as dart boards
-killing my supervisor
-killing the Head Scientist to take his job
-killing my lab assistant (he was a scrawny soldier they had to spare. Best bday present ever)
-setting off the bases fire alarm when they wouldnt refer to me as Admiral

My goals are simple:
-equip Chimera tanks with alien deathrays (small ones. They wont let me have fun)
-make armor plated super mutants with tesla cannons on their backss
-create self destructing ghoul army

So far everyone just puts up with my insanity, but once i get my lab up and running we shall see how they cope with the screams.

Will update regularly
Cheers,
Dr. Jackal

Vindcara
2014-11-25, 04:22 PM
This is the story of the crusader of Jacob.

So I recently started a new campaign and while the players were traveling through a forest I hinted at their being dire wolves about, so one of my players decides to try hunting the dire wolves. One crit fail later and not only did the player not find the wolves, one of the wolves found him! So the wolf gets a sneak attack and the player imidiately drops into the negatives (this was the first encounter of the campaign . When the rest of the party arrives they immediately launch into combat, the fairy sorceror gets eaten,a fighter goes down and they do basically no damage, until the kender rouge finally gets involved, he slings a stone and gets a nat 20 twice. So the dire wolf that the rest of the party couldn't scratch dies from a stone. He then decides to try to impress the one fighter in the party that's still up, and proceeds to roll another nat 20. So that character now believes that Jacob the kender rouge is a god. This beleif has only been furthered by the fact that Jacob has an uncanny ability to deal the last bit of damage that kills whatever they encounter .

Later the player that now worships Jacob decided to write a book about the glory of Jacob the god, only to proceed to get anathor nat 20.

Thus was born the crusader of jacob

Dr TPK
2014-11-26, 02:15 AM
Another player to a new player:
"We've got this Mace +3 if you want. You just have to bathe it in blood every day."
The new player:
"I don't know. I like my short sword +1. I'll pass."

SingularByte
2014-11-30, 01:52 PM
This took place in an Elder Scrolls game. I was the khajiit 'expert' on the Dwemer, and the party was a khajiit assassin, a spellcaster high elf, a breton inventor and the ugliest wood elf you'll ever meet.

The mission was simple. We just had to get into a manor outside Vivec, steal a Dwemer tapestry, and give it to our employer.

The plan was also simple. Some of us would request a meeting with the target, and try to sell him some 'Dwemer armour' while the others scaled the wall, broke into the manor, grabbed the tapestry and ran.

I'd say it all started well, but it really, really didn't.

The first part was getting some armour to sell. Rather than buying some for thousands of gold, we just got Spellcaster's armour and decorated it. I, of course, had to roll on my Dwemer knowledge skill to make a legitimate fake, and failed miserably so I ended up covering it with wooden spikes and silly faces, with Inventor's help. To make the armour more realistic, I knew we had to make it seem mechanical, so the plan was that when a button on the armour was pressed, Spellcaster would cast Metal Shard Barrier to cover it in metal spikes.

The next part was the meeting itself. The inventor drove me and Spellcaster up to the front door, and we were escorted in. I started my spiel, but the target didn't believe for a second that the armour as real, especially after I rolled a total of 0 on my persuade check, so he brought us into an inner room to point out what Dwemer armour actually looks like. I made one last attempt to persuade him by pressing the button, and Spellcaster dutifully cast the spell. Our target then responded by telling us it was obviously fake, and plucking off one of the wooden spikes on the armour.

This was where it went to hell. The Barrier spell specifically retaliates against grapples or touch attacks, so by plucking the spike off, the spell made an attack, got a critical hit, and turned him into countless chunks of meat. At this point, I started screaming and panicking, threw a chair through the closest window, and fled. Spellcaster considered sticking around for a moment, but with guards bursting through the doors, he decided to follow.

I managed to easily slip through the outer fence and get away, but Spellcaster wasn't so lucky. He ended up taking arrow after arrow, until he fell unconscious face-first into a stream a few meters from the walls.

Still, it wasn't all bad. We caused the distraction that Assassin and Wood Elf needed to loot the place, and that's what counts.

CrispyCriminal
2014-12-01, 02:27 AM
This was where it went to hell. The Barrier spell specifically retaliates against grapples or touch attacks, so by plucking the spike off, the spell made an attack, got a critical hit, and turned him into countless chunks of meat. At this point, I started screaming and panicking, threw a chair through the closest window, and fled. Spellcaster considered sticking around for a moment, but with guards bursting through the doors, he decided to follow.

I managed to easily slip through the outer fence and get away, but Spellcaster wasn't so lucky. He ended up taking arrow after arrow, until he fell unconscious face-first into a stream a few meters from the walls.

Still, it wasn't all bad. We caused the distraction that Assassin and Wood Elf needed to loot the place, and that's what counts.

So did Mr. Altmer meet Decumus Scotti on his way down the river before he (presumably) died? Also, bad end to a life of crime from someone who is high in society.

SingularByte
2014-12-01, 03:56 AM
So did Mr. Altmer meet Decumus Scotti on his way down the river before he (presumably) died? Also, bad end to a life of crime from someone who is high in society.

The adventure only actually happened yesterday, so we'll be seeing exactly what happens to him next week.

Milodiah
2014-12-01, 10:50 AM
Bad end to a life of crime from someone who is high in society.

Nonsense, I hope to die by suddenly exploding for no apparent reason.

Heartspan
2014-12-03, 05:11 PM
My story starts off with my necromancer (cleric) level 7. Our group had just come through a portal into a frozen waste, in order to satisfie the conditions made to appease a devil ( for a free airship). Well we adventured around a bit, ( i got a couple undead polar bears and almost eaten by a giant ice frog) then we came across a village. After epic persuasion and perform storytelling rolls, we were welcomed as heroes. They gave us a large chest, with a smaller chest inside of it surrounded by severed hands. Seeing the chest was obviously trapped, we took it to a separate room where we could play with it without alarming anyone. I stuck my hand in real fast, in an attempt to grab the chest without harm. I lose my hand. Unfazed, i cast animate undead on my hand, had it throw me the box, then crawl out on its own. I then healed my stump, and stuck the zombified hand onto my arm with a bracer and a cable, which now comes in handy when i wanna open things that may hurt me. I cant wield two handed things in combat though xD

ComaVision
2014-12-03, 05:24 PM
My story starts off with my necromancer (cleric) level 7. Our group had just come through a portal into a frozen waste, in order to satisfie the conditions made to appease a devil ( for a free airship). Well we adventured around a bit, ( i got a couple undead polar bears and almost eaten by a giant ice frog) then we came across a village. After epic persuasion and perform storytelling rolls, we were welcomed as heroes. They gave us a large chest, with a smaller chest inside of it surrounded by severed hands. Seeing the chest was obviously trapped, we took it to a separate room where we could play with it without alarming anyone. I stuck my hand in real fast, in an attempt to grab the chest without harm. I lose my hand. Unfazed, i cast animate undead on my hand, had it throw me the box, then crawl out on its own. I then healed my stump, and stuck the zombified hand onto my arm with a bracer and a cable, which now comes in handy when i wanna open things that may hurt me. I cant wield two handed things in combat though xD

I don't know what specific edition that is but Animate Dead in 3.5 can only be used on a mostly intact body or skeleton. I think the DM gave you a fair bit of leeway for this.

Heartspan
2014-12-03, 07:52 PM
We were playing pathfinder, and yeah, he totally did. I converted the character to 5e recently, (havnt played with him yet) and now its basically one of those murdering hand things, and its treated as my familiar. Oh, and itll try to kill me every once and while if the DM's ominous hints are anything to go by.

IZ42
2014-12-03, 10:13 PM
I'm currently playing a VoP MMoS Hungry Ghost Monk (Just barely optimized, seeing as its my first character, and is still going strong) in a RHoD campaign. I was killed by the general of the Red Hand, and got reincarnated as an elf and got the Celestial Blessed Template for free, because rewards. Currently travelling to the domain of Tiamat with the group to defeat her. My character has had a long history of doing dumb things in the name of shenanigans (such as fighting a hobgoblin on the back of a black dragon over a lake and kicking it off, face melting two razorfiends, and carrying a bunch of rabbits out of a lich's lair because one of the party members got polymorphed and cast mirror image, punching a behir to death, and stepping INSIDE the range of the Red Hand's general and getting subsequently insta-gibbed... 120 damage in one swing GRRRRR...). We had a random encounter in mid-air with 4 wyverns, so our party nature oracle summoned some gravity elementals and sent the two melee people (me and the greatsword wielding bard, don't ask) out to attack them. I decide to jump from the elementals telekinesis grasp at the wyvern and try to grapple it. I succeed. 500 feet in the air. The wyvern turned in to salsa, and I survived without a scratch. Out of 4 wyverns, 3 were killed by fall damage (entangling shot, hideous laughter, and being grappled) and one was shot by an alchemist with a bow and the rapid bombs discovery. Crispy wyvern bits. On a related note, I am no longer allowed to grapple things in mid-air, for the sake of my party's and my dm's sanity.

Loxagn
2014-12-05, 12:02 PM
This from a Final Fantasy game I am currently DMing:

So the party was tasked with retrieving a shard of magicite (magic-infused crystal, exceedingly rare to the point of being virtually non-existent inworld) from a local cave system, a mine that had been abandoned when an infestation of monsters moved in. There were subtle hints as they progressed inwards that things were not quite right; apart from a few corpses animated by the ambient magic, they hadn't really run into anything that qualified as an 'infestation', though as they progressed there were subtle hints like far-off skittering noises and walls caked in waxy, suspiciously organic material.

Then they find, in one of the deeper caverns, a Mimic, feeding on the corpse of an unfortunate explorer, and kill it before hearing those same skittering noises coming from what look to be burrows in the cave walls.

This would be where the trouble comes in. Confronted with a hole in the wall that stinks of rotting meat with noises further in (and many paths unexplored), the party's chemist announces: 'I'm going to search the hole.'

He's told there's a smell like rotting meat and ammonia, and he can hear things moving much, much deeper inside, but he can't see anything.

"I attempt to climb into the hole."

Several botched rolls later, the chemist has gotten himself wedged into the hole and very much stuck. The dragoon attempts to unstick him, and promptly crit-fails the roll, throwing out his back. Infuriated, they proceed to throw everything they have at the hole. They toss a torch down it. They throw fireballs into it. The dragoon (who is a yeti and about four times the mass of said chemist) attempts to wedge himself into the hole, before the mage sends a light ball down it to see what it can run into. All told, a full thirty minutes of session time, spent investigating a hole in the ground.

I eventually just siad they found some scraps of a fairly valuable metal in there, just so they'd at least feel that their time hadn't been completely wasted on an inconsequential detail.

Imagine my face when this is ignored entirely, they decide there's nothing of interest in it, and move on.

Inevitability
2014-12-05, 12:19 PM
and cake walls

Must... find... this... place...

Loxagn
2014-12-05, 01:22 PM
Must... find... this... place...

Fffff.

Fixed. Sorry. Meant to say 'walls caked in', not sure how that happened

KnotKnormal
2014-12-05, 01:38 PM
this just happened recently.

For the past 3 years I've been running a continuous string of campaigns in the same world, with the same recurring NPCs. One of these NPCs, is a woman named Terial. She been nick named by the players as "Care Taker." She is easily the nicest, most helpful, soft spoken, easy going, character I have ever created. She is immensely powerful, and uses that power to heal, revive, and put the party back together. Recently during a large scale, city wide battle. The party came up against the BBEG and promptly had their @$$es handed to them. Terial who helped them get that far, then sacrificed herself to save the party and stop the BBEG (temporarily). I was expecting people to be upset but it's been 3 weeks since then and none of my Players Have managed to get over it. I even think they are going through the stages of loss. I have a small hunch that they resent me a little bit for killing her. One of my players and close friends was talking to me about the session while in the middle of a Target store when suddenly grabbed me by the shoulders, shook me violently and screamed "why did you have to kill her?!?" We then had to explain to the off duty officer one isle over that no one actually died.

I posted this a "help wanted" because i didn't readily know how to fix the problem, but if you want to read more and read how i fixed it here is the original thread.

read more (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?381744-As-a-DM-I-think-I-messed-up-bad-and-I-need-help-to-fix-it)

Shoggy
2014-12-08, 02:46 PM
I haven't Played D&D for years, but I have a few good memories I wrote up a while back which may be good for a laugh:

(first one is long, sorry, non image version below these)
http://i.imgur.com/ipSj2CD.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/h3t1mcQ.png

http://i.imgur.com/TxXlIXk.png

http://i.imgur.com/4dwFYft.png

http://i.imgur.com/dlMiBcY.png

The originals of these can be viewed here if you'd prefer:
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/32461889

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/33660810/

Dire Moose
2014-12-09, 03:26 PM
Re: Shoggy the Seldom Dog

I may have to use this next time I run a campaign. In case anyone's interested, the DM from that campaign wrote up the game mechanics for Shoggy (http://www.reddit.com/r/gametales/comments/274nvp/35_shoggy_the_seldom_dog/) as well.

Hbgplayer
2014-12-09, 03:32 PM
In my group, I'm the one with the temperamental dice. Some nights I'll average 15+. Others, I'm lucky if I average 5 with bonuses.

One night, playing a d20 modern game a friend based off Falling Sky's, I became the driver of a school bus while running from a Mech. It had been a decent nights, averaging around 12-13. My buddy was playing a 15 year old girl (he's got habit of playing that type just to get under everyone's skin, but that's another story) and my character used to be a paramedic. (S)He actually had a higher driving skill bonus than I did, but my character refused to let "some little girl" drive a school bus and drove the bus.

Eventually, our group was spotted by the aliens and began to be pursued by one of their mechs. Driving around one of the twisty mountain roads of the Sierra Nevada, we see another mech blocking the road ahead. There was cliff straight down on one side, and a two-foot shoulder on the other before sheer granite wall. So what do I do? I push pedal to the medal and try to ram.

I suppose the fact that the bus is full of 20-25 near-term pregnant women is probably an important fact to know at this moment.

The mech, realizing what I was trying to do, tried to get out of the way, opening up a 10-foot wide gap on the shoulder of the road. I try to make it.

I roll a 2. With a bonus of +1.

Do I make it? Of course not. The steering column breaks off in my hands and the bus turns the opposite direction, ramming full speed (~50 MPH) into the Mech. Good news: The mech died. Then again, so did everyone on the bus other than myself and the other PC.

***************

Oh, one must never forget our group's 2nd finest achievement.

Whilst playing a Star Wars campaign, our group of rebels got caught in the orbit of a gas giant's moon by a Star Destroyer. With Vader on it. We were in a converted Corellien Corvette, and it was brought into the docking bay of the SD. In desperation we decided we were going to ignite the main engines. While in the SD. The rest of the party, with a deactivated copy of my droid body (by now I was on my second character, a droid), loaded into a escape pod of the SD after battling through the bay and several corridors, and launched. My primary body overwrote the coding and fired up the main engines. Five minutes later (game time, it was closer to 30 IRL as the DM had to research WTH would happen if a Corvette's main drives were lit inside of a SD) the party was pile-driven into the surface of the planet by the shock-wave of the cataclysmic explosion.

Our group's finest achievement was cracking a moon in half after the Hutt's tried to sabotage our ship by disabling our Hyper-drive. We picked up a shipment of spice and met with one of their leaders in orbit to transfer the goods. We had a Gallofree troop transport, and one of our NPC's happened to notice charges set on the hyper-drive, set to blow 30 minutes after our separation. Well, we couldn't let them get away with that, so we added more explosive, hi-jacked a small freighter that they had in their bay, and detonated the explosive when we thought we would be far enough away. We weren't. The explosion of the Gallofree's hyperdrive plus that of the Hutt's combined and proceeded to crack the moon.
That was enough to have the Imperial version of the EPA actually do something and is what started Vader after us.

Kodr
2014-12-10, 04:14 PM
So my friends and I have been playing a Fallout table top for almost a year now. The amount of crazy things that happen in that are astounding. I have a few yarns to spin in fact. My party is the following.

Chatter Beeps - a boxing android with 1 int.
Nancy Drew (really) - 10 year old private detective
Dan - A mentally unstable ghoul whom changes their name on the fly
Ryan Ghoulsling (me) - Pretty boy ghoul... and the driver
Doc - a lesbian half mutant who's a doctor... I forget their real name

Upon leaving a vault in the truck we had just got our dm rolled for the first random encounter. We ended up finding a crashed space ship with an alien pistol and rifle. Both of these act just like the Rod of Wonder. This in it's self made up for a lot of stories on it's own. Little Nancy drew took the pistol and we mounted the rifle to our truck. Look out wasteland!

Our party killed a some slavers in the wastes. They had a slave with them and instead of freeing him he kept him. Toby was a great friend to the party. He came with us to a enclave compound and on the first round of combat was evaporated by an automatic turret. As he was falling to ash he tried to hold onto the closest thing we could reach. It was the pants of Doc. He at least got to see the booty before death.

After such a fantastic death my party decided that Toby must have ascended to become a deity. While in the web, some priest told us we were fools for worshiping Him. That was his final mistake. We kept trying to convert him following him to a crowded hospital that he was volunteering. Nancy Drew had enough and just pulled out her alien pistol. "Than feel the power of Toby!" A rhinoceros materialized out of the pistol crushing the priest and pulling a Kool-aid man out of the hospital wall. We later then mounted him and tanks enemies in the waste.

Our party was in some evil doctors lab all tied up. We managed to free ourselves and get our equipment, but were still locked in the room.
Chatter Beeps "I punch the door."
The table sighs. "You punch everything."
DM "So you're stil..."
Chatter Beeps "I criticaled the door."

He rolled all 0's. He punched the door off it's hinges and KO'd the doctor whom was supposed to be a super long encounter. We mounted him to our truck along with the hours our DM wasted writing the encounter.

I spoiled them because I hate taking up a lot of room here. Fallout has been one of the goofier games I've ever played. I have way to many stories to even pick.

Myrc88
2014-12-17, 09:59 PM
My first post, these are the characters to be concerned with, me, golden dragonborn warlock archfey patron path of the blade (CG). As well as a blue dragonborn rogue/barbarian. There was also a few others but they are not a so the party can suprise attcs important, the plot: in a cave, came across 12 kobolds in a bunk area, I disguise myself as a member of the cult with a badge I had acquired earlier, as well as casting disguise with mask of many faces to be a blue dragonborn. This leads to a tiefling party member casting darkness around the corner.
I walk il to these kobulds and try to get some to go around the corner,so they can surprise attack the kobulds, they don't buy it, so I step back into the darkness and minor illusion the voice of a really high ranking member of the cult to come into the darkness.
After having convinced one, he comes in, the whole party is waiting, sneak attack for instakill. The only thing the kobulds hear is SCHWING, SCHWING. They are terrified, the rogue/barb convinces two others to come, same thing as before.
once a few were slept with a spell, I wrote on the wall in the darkness saying: PASS THIS WAY AND DIE!!!! the tiefling I mentioned checked it for legibility, it was crude, but worked. The rest of the kobulds we let huddle in the room, scared s#@$less. Alive, with no idea what just happened, minor illusion of the song spooky scarey skeletons playing behind them.
At least, I think this is funny, idk about anyone else.

Dunsparce
2014-12-20, 08:42 AM
This just happened last night. Characters of note:
-Eliwood Smith: My character. CN Mystic Ranger, bit of an oddball
-Zook: CN Gnome Cleric, is the straight man of the group despite his alignment
-Crazy Old Man: A guy we just rescued from a prison after looti-I mean cleansing the corruption out of a church.

Anyways the party, after defeating the boss of the place, found a hidden passage behind the main altar. After making sure nothing is trapped, we reached a room with an old man in it with amnesia, where he mentions that there is a an artifact that can grant wishes. Meanwhile Eliwood, not giving a **** about some old dude, started using is overly muscular pet dog to break down doors to look for loot(He could've just opened them, but that's no fun). He broke down a door that revealed a giant emerald statue of a snake. If asked Eliwood to make a wish, but Eliwood had to go to the bathroom so he asked where the nearest bathroom is.

"Two doors to the right" it said as it slowly crumbled away, mightily pissing of Zook and his player. Eliwood rushed to the bathroom, which had platinum linings, a magical toilet that send your **** to another dimension, and gold leaf toilet paper. After doing his thing he promptly looted the bathroom, and Zook's player was busy raging over the whole thing while everyone else was laughing.

The best part is that Eliwood never knew in character that there was ever any wish. The poor old man found out we used it and he ran away screaming that the world was doomed, I guess we'll find out what he meant by that.

Inevitability
2014-12-20, 09:10 AM
-Zook: CN Gnome Cleric, is the straight man of the group despite his alignment

Looks like someone here likes HPatN20... :smallwink:

Dire Moose
2014-12-20, 11:18 AM
Oh, one must never forget our group's 2nd finest achievement.

Whilst playing a Star Wars campaign, our group of rebels got caught in the orbit of a gas giant's moon by a Star Destroyer. With Vader on it. We were in a converted Corellien Corvette, and it was brought into the docking bay of the SD. In desperation we decided we were going to ignite the main engines. While in the SD. The rest of the party, with a deactivated copy of my droid body (by now I was on my second character, a droid), loaded into a escape pod of the SD after battling through the bay and several corridors, and launched. My primary body overwrote the coding and fired up the main engines. Five minutes later (game time, it was closer to 30 IRL as the DM had to research WTH would happen if a Corvette's main drives were lit inside of a SD) the party was pile-driven into the surface of the planet by the shock-wave of the cataclysmic explosion.


If anyone wants to derail the plot of the original trilogy from the very beginning, that's how you do it.

Inevitability
2014-12-23, 01:51 AM
The party has just cleared out a dungeon (nova'ing the BBEG in the surprise round :smallannoyed:) and gathers all the loot. Amongst it is a plain, gray, but definitely magical bag. The party studies it, then, fearing it may be a Bag of Devouring, someone (kobold fighter) reaches in. Inside are three small fluffy balls.

So what does the kobold do? He squeezes one.

Me: Er... You squeeze the ball with all your koboldly strength. Suddenly, it bursts open. You are now squeezing a man-sized and very much angry badger. Roll for initiative.

The party discovered they'd found a Bag of Tricks, though.

wicketman8
2014-12-25, 04:34 PM
In my groups last campaign we were playing with two players new to role-playing (one of whom insisted on being the DM) and another was only familiar with 4.0. With a few party members absent on our second session we were missing our damage and our tank leaving myself (a druid), a Sorcerer, and a Bard.

It was a weird campaign and in our first session we discovered a box that allowed you to travel through time. We were starting in a forest and on the first night during the Sorcerer's watch he saw a dark shape. The next day I was talking with a squirrel, trying to find a way out of the forest, and he mentioned a similar dark shape terrorizing the forest and village. I figured that this was probably our first lead for the actual story so we started tracking it. Our Sorcerer detected traces of old magic in a recently abandoned village.

At this point I should mention the time travel box moves from place to place in a sort of seemingly annual migration. We discovered the box in the village and the Sorcerer was able to estimate the thing had been there about 12 hours ago. So of course our bard suggested we go back and fight the dark monster. We all agreed and did so where we found the box not there yet and we were trapped, having to fight the monster. I recognized it as a Wendigo just before it murdered our whole party except me.

I escaped by sneaking back to where the box would appear and managed to actually go forward in time again where I warned us not to go into the forest before committing suicide. The DM actually just gave up at that point and our session was over.