More Funny D&D Stories

[The TechnoGnome]

So I've been lurking and reading on this thread for a while, and figured it was high time I posted a story of my own. So gather 'round, all, and listen to the tale of Mordek the Drunk, paladin of Moradin, AKA the World's Most Psychotic Paladin.

A bit of background first: I was in high school at the time, and the 4th edition PH2 had recently come out. This was the first game of D&D I had ever played, and pretty much everyone involved was completely new to the game, except for one player who had played a few games with his family in the past. Of course, said veteran player wasn't the DM of this game, because that would make too much sense. No, instead the DM was the guy who brought us all together in the first place, and he had never even played the game before, let alone DMed before. So already this was going to be a very 'interesting' game. Most of our cast were rather generic members of their race and class, with the most original race/class combination being my dragonborn ranger, and even he ended up fighting with dual scimitars and generally acted more like a fighter than a ranger. And then there was Mordek.

Mordek the Drunk was a supposedly Lawful Good Dwarf Paladin of Moradin, played by my brother. You would think that a character concept like that played by a new player would also being generically boring at best, and Lawful Stupid at worst. However, Mordek was... well, he was something 'special'. Despite his alleged alignment, he was drunk, violent, bull-headed, and pretty much every other negative stereotype of a dwarf you can think of. The scariest part of all this, however, was that my brother had taken the time to completely justify said behavior in his backstory.

You see, Mordek was technically a heretic of the Church of Moradin. He genuinely believed that every action he could possibly take was perfectly in line with the divine will of Moradin. His logic went something like this: Since Moradin is god of the dwarves, he must have personally created all dwarves in his own image. As Moradin is the god of creation, anything he creates is by definition created perfectly and without flaws. Therefore, every aspect of dwarves and their culture, both good and bad, was not only created intentionally, but perfect in every way. Thus, all dwarves are divine beings who can literally do no wrong, as they are all created perfect by Moradin. By this logic, a devout dwarven follower of Moradin is duty-bound to do whatever they feel like, as since they are created perfectly in Moradin's image, they will always act exactly how he would want them to in said situation. And of course, members of other races who worshipped Moradin would have to completely assimilate themselves into Dwarven culture in order to truly appease the Divine.

Needless to say, this rather logically circular and self-justifying belief system didn't fly with either his church or his dwarven community, and he was thus exiled from both. However, due to the rather lax rules of 4e paladins, once he got his powers, he pretty much keeps them for life, barring him outright denouncing his own god which, as a devout follower of Moradin, he would never do. In all honestly, the DM should have shot this idea down before the campaign even began, but since he was new to DMing and wanted to play D&D pretty badly, my brother was able to convince him to go with it (I don't remember his exact argument for maintaining his alignment, but I'm almost certain it had something to do with exploiting the subjective nature of 'lawful' and 'good'). And thus began one of the craziest campaigns I was ever a part of. Two stories in particular come to mind whenever I think of Mordek: Mordek vs. the Owlbear, and Mordek's Ballista Cart.

Mordek vs. the Owlbear

The party had just finished clearing out a cave full of kobolds that were terrorizing a nearby village. During the final battle, our group had managed to capture a kobold alive, and started debating over what to do with him once we were outside. The bard wanted to let him go, assuming that he learned his lesson and wouldn't harm the village ever again, the other ranger (a bow-user) and I wanted to kill them so that they couldn't hurt anyone else, and our wizard didn't really care either way, and just wanted to recharge his spells. Mordek, on the other hand, wanted to enslave the kobold and use it as a personal servant for himself and pack-mule for the other players (I'll get to why he didn't want a pack-mule for himself in the next story). When we pointed out that slavery went against pretty much everything a lawful good paladin stood for, his response was basically "But kobolds are monsters, not people. They don't count. If anything, he'd be my pet, not my slave." (I don't remember if the DM knocked his alignment down or not for that statement, but if not, he really should have.)

Oh, I should also mention that Mordek was incredibly racist towards any species smaller than a dwarf, which resulted in a rather one-sided rivalry with the halfling.

Anyway, while we were arguing over this, the kobold managed to slip out of its restraints, and wisely made a mad dash into the undergrowth. The rest of us figured it wasn't worth the hassle to track him down and were willing to let him go, but Mordek was dead-set on having his own servant to serve him ale, and thus chased after him. The rest of the party were pretty tired and had used up most of our healing surges and dailies against the chief kobold in the earlier fight, so we went back to town, figuring Mordek could handle himself.

Meanwhile, Mordek was trying to find his way through the undergrowth of the forest on his own. As the party tank, Mordek had about 13 wisdom and didn't have training in Nature or Perception, so needless to say he ended up getting super-lost trying to track the kobold. And as he was wearing full plate mail and not even trying to be stealthy, he rolled badly enough to attract the attention of an owlbear. Note that an owlbear is considered a level 8 elite boss, and at the time Mordek was level 2 and had already spent his daily power and most of his healing surges, so I'm pretty sure the DM was trying to teach the player a hard lesson on why you shouldn't run off on your own like an idiot.

Of course, none of us other than the DM (and maybe the veteran, but he'd only played a couple of small campaigns before us, so it's possible he didn't know either) knew this at the time, so Mordek assumes that he could easily take it and get some bonus XP in the process. He was very quickly proven wrong as his Radiant Smite encounter power barely scratched the beast, and the owlbear somehow managed to completely disarm Mordek and break both his warhammer and shield within two turns of combat. Mordek tried to fight back by picking up a large branch and whacking the owlbear with it in an attempt to scare it off, but fumbled the roll and ended up tripping over a root, knocking himself prone and losing the branch.

The player at this point was beginning to panic, as his character was lying prone in front of a massive beast ready to kill him and none of our characters were anywhere close enough to Mordek to help, or indeed even knew what was happening to our friend (and yes, despite his rather insane antics, we really did like the guy. Except for the halfling, of course, but even that hate was only IC). He starts searching his inventory for something, anything he could use as an improvised weapon. At that point, however, he only had one thing left in his inventory. Or rather one kind of thing.

You see, after buying the bare necessities, Mordek's player had blown pretty much all of his extra gold during character creation on pitchers of ale, which he constantly drank through our adventure. And with that much constant drinking comes a consistently full bladder. To save time on the road, Mordek had gotten into the habit of peeing into the empty pitchers of ale cluttering his inventory and saving them like a bearded Howard Hughes for reasons that baffle me to this day. Thus, he had almost 25 pitchers worth of his own urine cluttering his inventory. And that's what led to this immortal line:

"I start throwing mugs of pee at the owlbear."

Everyone is silent for almost ten seconds as they process what he just said, and then the entire table cracked up in laughter at the mental image of a dwarf drunkenly hurling his own pee as a weapon. It takes a couple minutes for the DM to regain his composure enough to continue, and when he finally does, he states that the shock of having stale urine thrown in its face stuns the owlbear long enough for Mordek to stand up and start running. Mordek begins to do so, but the owlbear manages to make its save and, now thoroughly pissed off, starts chasing him. As the beast is obviously faster than he is, Mordek does the only thing that has worked so far, and keeps throwing his pitchers of pee at the owlbear while running full tilt in the opposite direction, hoping to slow it down enough that he can get away. At this point, any pretense of this encounter being taken seriously has completely flown out the window, and so the DM does the only appropriate thing left and starts playing 'Yakety Sax' on his computer. This chase scene continues for several minutes, partially because the DM and Mordek are dictating their actions between peals of laughter, and partially because Mordek's plan was actually working. Eventually though, the owlbear manages to catch up to him, and trap him against a tree while knocking Mordek into the single digits. Now Mordek the character is positive he's screwed, so he does what any devout follower would do and prays to Moradin for a miracle.

The DM ended up taking pity on the poor bastard (partially because he was feeling guilty at this point for pitting Mordek against a monster six levels higher than him without any backup, and partially because if Mordek died, we would have no tank and only a bard to heal us), so he ruled that the overwhelming smell of the pee-drenched owlbear had attracted a metallic dragon, which unceremoniously swooped down and plucked the owlbear right off Mordek at the last second, because apparently dragons like their meals marinated in urine. Mordek, probably attempting to save face, yells at the dragon that he was doing just fine on his own, but of course the dragon just ignores him and flies away. It takes Mordek until past midnight to make his way back to town, and he refuses to share exactly what happened with the rest of the party when they ask why he's covered in blood, missing his weapons, and smelled like pee. He had to spend his share of the looted gold replacing his (silvered and spiked) hammer and shield, and as far as I know, that was the last time Mordek ever intentionally split the party.


Mordek's Ballista Cart

This story has its beginnings a couple sessions after the owlbear incident. We had completed our first major story arc, which I think involved stopping some cultists from opening a portal to summon their demonic master, but honestly it doesn't really matter for this story. The point was that our actions had earned us an audience with the king of the area. He personally thanked us for saving the kingdom from disaster, and then mentioned that because of this, we were the best men to deal with a situation that had him very concerned. He wanted us to go to the desert and investigate an obviously magical sandstorm that had completely engulfed the neighboring kingdom for almost a year now, and created a physical barrier that no one could get through. Since the kingdom was in our debt already and the desert separating the two kingdoms was incredibly dangerous on its own, he not only offered a large payment for any information we could find, but offered to equip us with any items we requested for the journey ahead. Upon hearing this, Mordek's player started flipping through the Player's Handbook to figure out exactly what he wanted.

The rest of us discussed what we wanted him to give us (he wasn't willing to give us hard cash or magic items, and we already had pretty much all the equipment we needed/wanted), and eventually we settled on asking him for his best horse and wagon for the road, a request which he gladly accepted. As we were about to leave the throne room, Mordek's player set down his handbook and asked, "Would the king give us a ballista if I asked?"

"Probably," the DM replied, "but it would be so heavy that you wouldn't be able to reasonably carry it without help."

"I totally could," Mordek said, "After all, dwarves can't get encumbered, so I can carry anything I want."

The DM just stared at him, dumbstruck, "...What?"

At this point, he and the DM began arguing. For those not familiar with 4th edition, one of the dwarf's racial abilities is 'encumbered speed', which basically negates the speed penalties for being encumbered and heavily encumbered, as well as any speed penalties imposed by wearing heavy armor. In theory, this was supposed to be a balancing tool to make up for the fact that dwarves were naturally the slowest of the original player races, and any speed penalties below -1 would make them too slow to be a viable player race. However, Mordek's player didn't understand the difference between 'encumbered' and 'overloaded'. Thus, he assumed that this trait gave dwarves unlimited carrying capacity (and continues to insist he's right to this day, which is why he's banned from ever playing another dwarf in 4e).

Even at the time, I thought this sounded like total bull****, and now that I'm way more familiar with the rules, I know it is. However, back then no one in the group, even the veteran, knew the 4e rules well enough to argue with him on this point. The DM tried to point out that this was absolutely ridiculous and there was no way dwarves would actually have a racial ability that broken, but my brother opened the rulebook and pointed to the racial ability, saying "See? It says that I can carry a heavy load with no penalties. I can totally have a ballista!"

Eventually, the two of them managed to reach a compromise. Mordek would be able to carry the ballista on his back by himself, but it would require both hands to do so due to its unwieldy size and shape, and thus he would have to put it down in order to do anything else with his hands, like fight. In addition, it would take a standard action to set up if he wanted to actually fire it, and as a siege weapon that he wasn't proficient with, it would have a noticeable penalty to accuracy if aimed at human-sized targets. Mordek accepted these terms, and the king (as baffled with the request as the players were) gave him his ballista and ammunition.

Mordek managed to carry that ballista throughout the rest of the game, and used it whenever he was able to. From that moment on, Mordek's main strategy in battle was to set up the ballista on his first turn while the rangers covered him, and then bombard the enemy from a distance alongside the wizard until they got close, at which point he would ditch the ballista (which, since he kept the ammunition on his person at all times, the enemy couldn't use) and start using his divine melee powers. Despite being unable to use the majority of his powers with it, the ballista was one of the party's strongest weapons, even managing to kill a boss in two shots at one point. Eventually, he bought a wheelbarrow to mount it in, thus keeping it prepped even when he was carrying it so that he could get it into the battle even faster. At one point, the DM even tried to destroy the damn thing, but Mordek simply carried the wreckage with him to the next town and paid to have it repaired. I think the only reason it didn't end up stolen was that even in the wheelbarrow it was so heavy that only Mordek could move it, and the DM wasn't clever enough to have a dwarven thieves guild pop up.


There are a couple more stories about Mordek's antics, but this post is long enough as is. The campaign itself eventually died down at some point while we were still travelling to the sandstorm kingdom, so my brother and I eventually decided that the entire party got lost in the desert and died after a rather brutal sand worm attack. However, if I ever get a chance to DM using a homebrew setting I've been cooking up, I'm considering having Mordek be the only survivor of the encounter, and start his own cult of Moradin with others who get lost in the desert, which would eventually evolve into him actually turning evil, becoming a warlord, and his dynasty becoming a succession of Dwarven Hitlers bent on conquest and the extermination of halflings for the glory of Moradin (who at some point would end up being corrupted into a Lawful Evil deity through his connection to Mordek). Honestly, it something like that wouldn't even be that out of character for him to do.

[Godie1803]

I think one of the funniest sessions I've played so far was this time when our party got really drunk and ended up with an alpaca, who we adopted as a friend and party's mascot, later on the game we found an abandoned fort that we wanted to turn into our base of operations but couldn't because of legal reasons.

We track down the owner of the fort, who turned out to be an evil elf king who had some kind of curse that prevented him from leaving the tower in which we found him. We convinced him that we would work for him in exchange of the fort (we would pay some sort of rent for the fort) and we would restore it and bring it to his former glory.

But of course a pc would never work for anybody, they are their own boss! So in the end we turned the the old fort into a brothel called the spicy alpaca.

[Inevitability]

FR campaign (HotDQ). The party is in Elturel*, and the least... law-abiding party member, a kobold fighter, decides to 'earn some extra money'.

*As FR-veterans should know, Elturel is constantly illuminated by a giant orb of undead-harming light floating above the city.


Kobold: I wait until it is dark outside. Once it is, I leave my room and...
Me: Er... Giant orb of light?
Kobold: Fine. I wait until I can see the moon...
Me: Kind of hard when a giant light orb covers it.
Kobold: I wait until I feel like it should be night and go outside. I then try to find a dark alley.
Me: *sigh* What part of 'giant orb of light' do you not understand?

[turbo164]

Haha, Mordek sounds great!


So here's a few funny bits from our group's recent escapades. (more in the Campaign Log in my signature! /shameless plug)

Sharks!

In the classic PC tradition of grabbing anything that's not nailed down and on fire (or is, for that matter), the party has previously looted the following:

scorpion stingers (handy!)
roach guts (alchemy?)
griffon feathers (pretty!)
mud (...it was magic mud!)
pretty water (purple!)
undead trees (worth a shot)
beetle shells (also pretty!)
statue chunks (...it was a magic statue!)

And probably more I'm forgetting. I usually roll up values for such things on the fly. But when the party came across a bloody carcass in a river being chewed on by flying sharks, I made sure to pre-roll the value for Shark Teeth, Shark Fins, and [secret carcass stuff]. But the group actually left without looting anything! :smalleek:

Back in town hundreds of miles away...
"Okay lets sell our loot."
"We've got that stuff from the tower...what else have we got since we were last in town?"
"The only other fight was with the sharks...ARGH! WE HAVE TO GO BACK!"

They debated whether it was worthwhile to scrounge up some Teleports purely to grab the shark bits that may or may not still be there when they get back, haha.


Which led to the following on a later forest excursion:

A third day brings the party across a very large skull, attached to a long, decaying body.
Gort: "Knowledge Nature! Natural 1!"
DM: *rolls a d15* "You think it’s from a Monstrous Humanoid."
Gort: "Guys! I think this was a Centaur or something!"
Old Man: Knowledge Nature 20, diplomacy 37 “It’s actually a dinosaur…”
Gort: "…It’s a Centaursaurus!"

The group then spends about 30 minutes pulling dozens of teeth from the skull and sending the Gnome climbing into its rotting gullet to look for valuable remains…
DM: "You’re not going to ever repeat the Shark incident, are you?"
Players: "Heck no! We’re looting EVERYTHING!"
DM: "Heh. Well, I guess you find…*roll* 13 gold worth of copper ore in its gizzard alongside the rest of the digestive stones."
Gnome, dripping rotten dinosaur slime: "WORTH IT!"


^_^

[Inevitability]

The abovementioned kobold character left the party during yesterday's session, together with his gnome friend (another PC). In order to avoid the problem of having to travel several days through hostile terrain, he took out his bag of tricks.

Anyways, three sudden animals, several exploitations of the rules on riding, and a lot of weird glances from the other players later...

Me: *sigh* And so, the kobold rides away into the sunset, riding a giant badger. Which is riding a giant moose. While the kobold is carrying a normal-sized badger himself. Oh, and there is also a gnome sitting behind the giant badger. Aaaaaaand you are all barred from ever riding anything again.

[Iximaz]

So, in my most recent D&D session, I actually ended up being the munchkin for once and managed to beat the entire encounter all by myself:

DM: You see, at the top of the cliff, a group of orcs. Roll initiative.

Me (playing a wizard/psion): How close are they to the cliff?

DM: Right at the edge. Apparently they were acting as lookouts.

Me: *evil grin*

I somehow managed to win the initiative, and cast Wall of Fire around the orcs. Since the other two members of the party were melee, they were rendered useless. That's why you always pack a bow!

Anyway, I proceeded to throw the lead orc off the cliff using Force Hammer, then proceeded to cast Betrayal on the other orcs, causing them to jump off the cliff after their leader and attack him as they fell before going splat on the ground below. :smallcool:


Of course, it doesn't quite measure up to the time my brother had the brilliant idea to sneak attack the baron during a boring speech...

~~~

Oh, and then there was our very first dungeon crawl as a party. We'd been charged by the local Thieves' Guild to take out their rival, the Beggar King, and return with his head.

Cast: DM, Austin, Alex, and myself

It took us several sessions, but at long last, we killed the target.

DM: As the Beggar King falls to the ground, you feel the ground sart shaking.

Austin: Oh crap! What's going on?

Alex: There's an earthquake?

DM: As you stand around discussing what might be happening, you hear a roar and the tower roof is torn off to reveal a mighty black dragon.

Me: How big is it?

DM: It looks pretty big, probably an adult-

Me: We're only level two! There's no way we could take on an adult black dragon!

Austin: We're running away.

Everyone else: RUN AWAYYY!

DM: Aren't you guys forgetting something?

Alex: You mean the giant man-eating dragon?!

Austin: Screw looting, we're getting outta here!

Me: Yeah, you can keep your treasure!

And we ran back to the Thieves' Guild to tell them we did the job and to please give us the money they promised. That was when we realized... we'd forgotten the guy's head. Oops. At least the loot we'd gained on the adventure made up for the lost bounty.

As for the dragon, it just disappeared. I have no idea what was the deal with that.

[Iximaz]

After the last character had crawled in, there was a moment of silence. The party waited in eager anticipation of what lay next in the tomb, I sat in stunned horror at what had occurred. I stood up, closed my books, and said, "Congratulations everyone, you have all willingly crawled into a Sphere of Annihilation," then walked out.

I read the story to my family and we couldn't stop laughing for the longest time. Now to convince my mom (our resident DM) to run ToH...

[DontEatRawHagis]

Players knock on the door of a hermit's shack.

Hermit: I'm in the middle of nowhere. Must be my imagination.
Paladin: Hello!
Hermit: now I'm hearing voices.
Rogue: yes, we are your conscious. Leave all your gold at the window sill.
Warlock: and any other valuables.
Paladin: Don't listen to them they aren't voices in your head.
Rogue: That's exactly what he wants you to think.

---------------------------

Read aloud.

Hermit: Who are you?
Paladin: I am a Paladin of Sif, Goddess of Woe
Hermit: Wow.

Simple but my players couldn't keep their composure after that.

[goto124]

I'm ashamed that I don't understand the Paladin of Sif, Goddess of Woe joke.

[Milodiah]

Reminds me of the two gods I've homebrewed...Stercotara, Goddess of Poorly Thought Out Plans (and patron goddess of adventurers) and Esterbürdur, Elder God of Doritos.

[ellindsey]

The PCs in my Pathfinder game have just reached level 5. The Cleric in particular is excited about her new 3rd level spells, and for her first one to memorize picks Prayer. That's nice, I think. A global +1 buff to allies/debuff to enemies ongoing area effect spell. Probably won't make a huge difference, but if that's what she wants to spend her spell slots on, fine with me.

For their first combat at level 5, I throw a pair of Forest Drakes at them. I expect it to be a tough but winnable fight. The Cleric casts Prayer as her first action of the fight, and the player hams it up, acting out in character a detailed plea to her god for assistance in the upcoming battle. What followed after that was an entire series of rolls where the difference between success or failure was made by that +1 buff/debuff. "Roll to hit the Drake. Ok, you fail to hit its AC by one ... wait, remember to add the Prayer bonus, so you actually hit it." "The Drake makes its saving throw to resist your spell exactly ... oh, right, it's within the radius of Prayer still, so it fails" "The Drake rolls to hit you ... missing by one thanks to Prayer." It pretty much turned a tough battle into a fairly easy win by the PCs.

The Cleric's player was insufferably pleased with herself by the end of the session. As a GM I'm going to have to keep an eye on her, she's starting to realize that a Tier 1 primary spellcaster played well is incredibly powerful, especially as the rest of the party are mostly martial and skillmonkey types.

[Lord Raziere]

I'm ashamed that I don't understand the Paladin of Sif, Goddess of Woe joke.

Well she could be a Goddess of Woe, or a Goddess of Whoa, y'know what I mean? :smallwink:

[ironsnake345]

So, here's something that happened a while ago in the school d&d group (which I had to go straight to the dm on the first day of school in order to join. It's hard to find an eligible d&d group.) and I thought I'd post it here, because we have some darned funny mishaps. Alright, before we start, here are the characters:

Brocc: (AKA sparklegem, AKA Daergel) Gnome wizard, in it for treasure and glory. An outlander who plans to multiclass to rogue to carry on Kendri's legacy. My character, and the only who hasn't been replaced yet. As a gnome, he chose three names to take with him adventuring. Chaotic good.

Severus: Human fighter, considers himself a paladin without powers. (yet is chaotic good) A true badass in combat, but never really uses his class abilities, except second wind. second wind rocks. He died after the events of this post, and became Fay, who is discussed later.

Syrinden: Human paladin, but so short he often gets confused with a dwarf. He, as per character roleplaying requirements, is no fun. (lawful good, quite fervently.) His name means starman in sweddish, (which is an inside joke refferencing another paladin from a past campaign who was so tanky he fell down an incredibly deep pit of poisoned spikes and survived. He had no way out, but no big deal, he would simply cast create water as many times as he could every day, and eat his own flesh for sutainance. He was immune to disease, and could lay on hands. He still is trying to swim his way out!) and he gets hit a lot. Replaced a very, very deadly, however stupid, monk who would always run into danger.

Shela: human wizard, and my personal rival. A strong however arthritic old woman who is also very, very noisy. The whole reason she went on this adventure was because the records brought back by other adventurers were all biased and muddled, and she wanted to go out and do her own field research. she is eventually replaced by Osric, who will be described later.

Girda: Dwarf barbarian, bristling with all kinds of weapons. She gets hit even more than syrinden, and is the third character used by this player so far. At present day, he's on his fourth, and the DM finally let him make a second level starting character. Replaced a wood elf priest named lucious, who replaced a gnome thief named kendri, who Brocc is directly responsible for the death for. Which is why he's multiclassing over to thief. Eventually, she dies yet again, and is replaced by a thief named burgle, which goes to show how much her player as at the end of his rope for new characters.

Dinten: a ranger who I have a REALLY easy time forgetting about. I am out of attention to pay this guy. Not that I had much to begin with. I think he's some kind of elf.

Now the story: we're playing cult of the dragon queen, and are currently working to purge a cave where they are presumably hatching and raising dragons, of the cult. This module is a bit badly scaled, and has the party up against a fourth (at least!) level fighter with almost-as-dangerous barbarian guards at first and second level. That's all you need to know.

Alright, now the stories I have for you.

We were at the entrance to the cave and, after being ambushed in a little dead-end on the right side of a fork in the caves, we went to the left to investigate a drop-off. We find, at the bottom of a ten foot drop, a large field of huge, bluish, faintly glowing mushrooms. There's a stairway down, and Girda goes first. the last step turns out to be trapped and folds away from under her, tripping her up, and sending her into the mushrooms, which spring to life and start whipping her with little tendrils. Everyone bursts into action; syrinden and severus leap onto the mushrooms and get to work, Shela greases the floor under them and manages to trip some of them up, and Brocc casts burning hands to fry them. This works, even killing one, but it also ignites Shela's grease and wastes it. Brocc and Shela bicker with each other for the rest of the round, on into the next, when Severus uses his action surge to whirl around and smack Brocc with the broad side of his blade for bickering with shela! Critical hit, 12 damage, Brocc's max is 11, and he is out cold! The moral of the story? never bicker around severus! The rest of the fight continues as normal, except without Brocc.

after those past events with the living mushrooms, The party elects to take a short rest and heal up, but a few of the kobolds around the cave decide to contribute their opinions into the group discussion on resting. And by opinions, I of course mean daggers. The fight is going well enough, but when Girda gets hit, she decides to go into rage mode, and the first thing she does is pick up her warhammer and smash the kobold right in front of her. Critical hit again! Dealt obscene amounts of damage, and quite literally reduced that kobold to a bloody pulp, in that one smash! The other two would have run... If they hadn't been killed by syrinden's sword and Brocc's dart. But wait, what's this? Girda doesn't want to lose her rage, which she has to make an attack every round or she loses it, so she goes off and attacks a mushroom which looks like the ones that came to life! The DM even had her make a wisdom (insight) check to see if she could tell the difference! She succeeded, and rage ended. But what happened with the actual players was what made me laugh; we started joking around because of how ridiculous that was, and said stuff like "why don't you just start carrying around small animals for that? 'Oh, I don't want to lose my rage! Move towards the kobolds and BUNNY! smash! keep moving and ANOTHER BUNNY! smash!"

The party continues on into the caves and encounters a half blue dragon fighter who looked familiar. He breathes first chance he gets, which leaves shela looking quite fried, syrinden unconsious and trying to stabalize, and severus hurt. Everyone flees except severus and brocc; Severus grabs syrinden and pushes past everyone, and brocc casts expeditious retreat and grabs shela to drag her along. Then the DM pipes in, "what do you grab her by?" To which Brocc's player responds, "I grab her from under the shoulders! I'll get a better grip there!" This causes Shela's arms to get ripped off, with ashy bits of skin flaking off. Brocc looks at the arms, and takes off running with expeditious retreat speeding him along, still carrying the arms, and "making horrified noises." (his player's words) Next round, the process repeats itself, except Brocc continues on attempting to "keep it down to nothing more than a scared wimper." Everyone laughs hearing this. Brocc's player shouts in response to everyone's laughing, "I'm carrying dead shela's burnt up arms! How else am I gonna react in this situation?" At this point, everyone made it to a safe zone they'd set up in the caves, and Dinten noticed after a while that severus was missing. Dinten: "I'll go see if I can find Severus!" Brocc" *jumps up* "I'll help!" Dinten: "No, you've caused enough damage already." (Brocc is heralded as a bad luck charm in the party.) Brocc: "Ok..." *gets into the fetal position in a corner, still holding Shela's arms* Shela's player: "Wow, you're more attached to those arms than I am!"
Cue five minutes of trying to stop laughing.
Brocc kept one of shela's hands for posterity, and made a burial of the rest of the arms.

That's it for now. We may finally be taking care of that cave... After a ransom and losing all our stuff, and several new characters. Oh, I almost forgot to mention Osric and Fay! Those two replaced Shela and Severus. Osric is a dwarf bard with a gravely voice and a greataxe. His bardic instrument is an enormous gong hung from his back, which he plays with the butt of his greataxe. Keep in mind, he plays this gong to perform a song of rest and help the party rest better! Good thing he's got the whole "calm zen temple gong" thing down. Fay is a human bard who is much more petite than osric, and has been best friends with Osric for years. Which is hard, because, well, you know dwarves. His instrument is a harp, chosen specifically for how amazingly dainty it is compared to Osric's gong. He is very useful in combat, because he is able to not only give combat disadvantages to, but also kill, his enemies by insulting them! no seriously, he shot a winged kobald out of the air and downed one of those big barbarian guys, with only harsh words! Explanation: vicious mockery is a cantrip which can be learned by bards. Cantrips don't need to be prepared in fifth ed. and can be cast whenever, with no limit except the DM's discretion. To balance, they are hard to learn more of, and are fairly weak.
Have a nice day, y'all!

[rs2excelsior]

I've got a couple of good ones.

Birios, a CG Gnome Sorcerer (Golden Dragon bloodline)
Nova, a CG Dwarf Druid
Andrison, a CN Half-Elf Rogue
A LG (LN?) Dwarf Inquisitor whose name escapes me right now--he wasn't with the party for long.

The entire party is either level 4 or 5 at this point.

So, about Birios--he was very scrappy for a spellcaster. Partially because our party started out with basically nothing but spellcasters, so I figured someone ought to be able to take some hits. Fluff wise, he'd grown up in an Elven trading city facing bullies, so he wasn't afraid to get hit or hit back. Mechanically, I saw that dragon Sorcerers get claws--so I wanted to be able to use them. After my best roll was put in Charisma, I gave him good Dexterity and Constitution, and Weapon Finesse as a feat (and later Toughness). So for a while, Birios was a combination of the party face and the closest thing we had to a tank/fighter.

So, the party is tricked into putting on Rings of Quest and sent into the realm of a long-defeated demon god to see if he might be awakening. We're making our way into the demon's plane, and one of the guards is a large, mechanical construct in the shape of a centaur with spiked chains for arms. We were up against a Zelekhut Inevitable, a creature of pure law, although I think the DM left off the wings. Take a second to look at how many members of our party were chaotic. Yeah, this was going to end well.

So the Inquisitor's player had dropped from the campaign for RL reasons, and left his character in control of the DM, with instructions to give him a suitable death in battle. We all knew that, but we'd be damned if we sat back and let him die easily. After all, the crazy Dwarf was a party member.

So negotiation gets nowhere, even with my 20 Charisma and the fact that we're following our orders, a Lawful act despite our alignments.

The Rogue activates his ring of invisibility and tries to sneak around it. Thinking quickly, I cast an illusion where he had been standing, hoping the creature wouldn't notice the disappearance. Unfortunately, the Inevitable followed the movements of our actual Rogue, despite his invisibility--so we find out this thing has true seeing.

Our Inquisitor, based on a die roll from the DM, decides it'd be a good idea to jump onto the thing's back (and no, that's not really out of character for this player or any of his characters, really). Predictably, within a round or two, the Dwarf is unconscious and falls off it's back.

In the meantime, our Rogue has taken off and gone through the portal the Inevitable was guarding. The Druid and my Sorcerer weren't going to give up so easily, though. I tag the Inevitable with a Scorching Ray, which crits, and I am told nearly one-shotted it, although its healing kicked in after the hit. Another round passes, and I cast at him again and grow my claws, trying, and I quote, "to look as intimidating as possible," in an attempt to get it to attack me instead of them. Predictably, my three-and-a-half foot tall, forty pound gnome failed to intimidate the constructed being of pure law that probably outweighed him by a factor of fifteen. The Druid went and grabbed the Inquisitor, trying to drag him to safety. Unfortunately, the Inevitable managed to trip the Druid with its chains. She's still conscious, though, but standing up would keep her in range of those chains. So I grab on to her, dragging her toward the portal. So I'm dragging a Dwarf, who's dragging another unconscious Dwarf.

The Inevitable goes again, and stamps our Inquisitor in the head, killing him. The Druid scrambles up and escapes. At this point, I'm facing the Inevitable down alone, but I go before it does. I'm still on my feet and could have just run, but I decide it's given us too much trouble for that. In one last bit of defiance, I cast acid splash at it, flip it off, and step backward through the portal.

The next one won't be quite as long, I promise.

We are sent into a dream-world of some sort (I'm still not exactly sure what happened), each of us on our own. I face off against some kind of demon, which is (naturally) immune to my fire spells. I fight him with claws, though, and get some hits on him, but it's clear I'm not going to win. Finally, he tags me with a Scorching Ray (my own signature spell, might I add), which almost kills me, then closes in to finsih me off. I black out, and meet the Dragon which had once fought alongside an ancestor, who had blessed my line with its sorcerous powers--who informs me that he's been killed.

Long story short, I get a speech about adaptability, which is a strength the dragon didn't have, and come back fully healed with a ring that allows me to convert fire damage to acid damage. The demon is standing over me, looking quite confused.

My first response to the situation? Maximized Fireball, as acid damage. I get knocked back down to low health, and we're both sent flying across the room. I know it wasn't the smartest thing tactically, but it was totally worth it.

I just wish it had been face-to-face rather than over IM, so I could've seen the DM facepalm :smallamused:

[Yukitsu]

NPC: Just take the stupid data and tell your technomancer to get his sprite out of our host!
Down the line
Me: She said our Technodancer needs to stop drinking 7-up in the parking lot!
Further down
PC 2: We need to turn down the music and stop drinking soda!
PC 3: We aren't listening to music or drinking soda...
NPC: You're all idiots.

Me: I just need to find a moment to do the club sandwich rant.
PC3: The what?
Me: That thing from Johnny Mnemonic. Or Jazzpunk I guess.
Blank stares
Me: We're playing shadowrun and literally none of you have watched Johnny Mnemonic?
DM: I dunno, I figured shadowrun is more of a William Gibson sort of setting.
Me: :smallannoyed:

[ironsnake345]

Alright, me again, and I've just had another session and thought I'd share some moments.

Our party had just beaten who we thought to be the BBEG, (this was the guy who fried Shela in my last post) and mopped up his guards. We were feeling pretty dang happy, and Osric went off to clean up a frightened kobold that had run from us. We noticed, in the corner of this room with carvings of intertwined dragons, one of which was Tiamat rising out of a volcano, all over the entire wall and all the cielings, a treasure chest encrusted with mother of pearl. Instantly, Brocc, Burgle, and Syrinden moved in to secure their earnings. (remember, Burgle and Osric are replacement characters, perhaps somewhat glanced over in the last post. If you want to know who I'm talking about, you've got some reading to do!) Anyway, we try to unlock it, but accidentally bump it and cause all the dragon carvings to spit acid at us. Yes, all of them. And this was a VERY thoroughly carved room. You can imagine the issue, when the room is filled with a thick, acidic mist! Straight away, everyone flees and leaves dragon guy to dissolve in the corner. (they take his head, though.) Osric, who had just returned with a recently knocked out kobold we joked about being a pet, decided to drop its melting skeleton as he ran. Thankfully, Syrinden managed to grab the chest and run with it. We flee out of the cave, apologize to the neutral hunters who had been supplying the cult with meat, collect 50 gold we had bet on ourselves that we could beat dragon guy, made camp, and recovered. Thankfully, the chest itself as well as its contents will go for quite a bit, but I will never forget how quickly we went from "Yeah!!! we killed (Dragon guy's name removed for spoilers) and beat the cult!!! we won the dungeon!!! We're unstoppable!!!" to "OH **** RUN RUN RUN RUN RUUUUUUNNNNN!!!"

After we returned to the dungeon after our previous success turned acidic fleeing, we were quickly ambushed by the real BBEG: a female cultist who was the leader of the bunch, and may or may not be a master of illusory weaponry which actually hurts. Cue an epic fight scene involving Brocc roasting several cultists alive and half the rolls being made ending up nat 20's Guess what? they were all... Evenly distributed between players and DM. Gotcha! Anyway, in the middle of a grueling battle, it's discovered that the BBEG makes people doing mundane (we discover it's only mundane when this happens, and not magical as well) attacks (EG, swing, shoot, or even smite) on her do wisdom saves: fail and you attack another enemy of your choice at random. Simply lose will to attack her for the round if no other enemies. Fay slings vicious mockery at her, and the DM goes up saying he has to save, but then remembers saves don't count. Then he has to make a wisdom save for the BBEG instead! Official, quoted-from-memory ingame dialogue: DM: "Alright, make a wisdom save for that. Wait... Actually, you don't need to save for vicious mockery. In fact, I need to save for that!" Fay's player: "'Alright, save!' 'No, you save!'"

Brocc died in that fight, meaning that, officially, no original party members are to live through the campaign. However, the chances of rezzing Brocc are looking good, so it just may be that an original party member makes it through the whole campaign! Anyway, one more.

So, I'm dead at this point, because I'm Brocc, and I'm just watching the party go to the room behind the dragon guy's room, where we fought him. The party goes down and finds dragon eggs down in a warm pit, and Dinten instantly slings an arrow down into the pit at one of the arrows. It hits, and the egg begins leaking what is apparently albumin. Syrinden and the rest of the party except Dinten go down, and syrinden, being the merciful paladin he is, tries to lay on hands the egg. This doesn't work. Then Osric patches up the egg with mending, turns to Syrinden, and says "Alright, that's done. Why are we sparing the dragons?" Cue discussion about how perhaps our hirer was planning to raise them or perhaps sell them, and that a live sample was at least more valuable than a dead one. That was pretty funny, but not the focus of this bit. After that happened, the party heard a low, sort of rumbling sound coming from the right. At this point, I decided it would be fun to go use the bathroom and see how badly the party had screwed up when I got back. (man, they were missing me at this point.) So, I walked out of the DM's classroom/lounge/office/computer tinkerer's workshop (he was the tech guy in the school. I believe I mentioned this was the school's D&D club I was playing in), had a drink, relieved myself, and took the back entrance back in because he always keeps the front locked from the hallway side. When I got back, imagine my surprise when the first thing I hear is "Alright, your warhammer glows with holy energy, and you crack badly into its shell. the edges of the hole you made in its shell are glowing with holy light." That was nice. Dinten joined the group and they headed down the hallway to their right, and Syrinden noticed an evil aura coming from one of the stalagmites around. He walks up to it, and it sprouts an eye, a mouth, and two tentacles, and proceeds to grab and eat him. It then proceeds to similarly chomp devastatingly down on and eat all the remaining melee fighters and then sit helplessly as Fay and Dinten respectively bombard it with vicious mockery and arrows. (I forgot to mention; Dinten is known for critting and doing insane damage with 90% of his hits) The monster dies and they chip away its stony layer and pull their allies out of its stomach. Osric and Burgle are dead, but when they picked syrinden out of the wreckage, they found something incredible: he was alive. The essence of Starman the unkillable is beginning to surface in Syrinden!

That's it for tonight. Next week I'll be back for the next session's funny moments. See Y'all!

[derpdidoda]

I nearly got killed one time when my necromancer tryed to replace his minion with a hooker body... The hooker had class lvl's

But my DM was nice so she just robbed my sorry ass... I now have an ongoing deal with the city mortician.

[Inevitability]

*snip* After we returned to the dungeon after our previous success turned acidic fleeing, we were quickly ambushed by the real BBEG: a female cultist who was the leader of the bunch, and may or may not be a master of illusory weaponry which actually hurts. Cue an epic fight scene involving Brocc roasting several cultists alive and half the rolls being made ending up nat 20's Guess what? they were all... Evenly distributed between players and DM. Gotcha! *snip*

I wish the battle was that epic when I ran it... My players pretty much lured the boss out of her study, ambushed her, dealt over 3/4th of her hit points in the surprise round, and then proceeded to butcher her as she rolled an 1 on initiative... with only three out of four players present.

[ironsnake345]

I wish the battle was that epic when I ran it... My players pretty much lured the boss out of her study, ambushed her, dealt over 3/4th of her hit points in the surprise round, and then proceeded to butcher her as she rolled an 1 on initiative... with only three out of four players present.

Oh, really, man, that's lame. The battle was so much more fun when we did it. Did she even get to use the little demon thingies that slow you down and dig into you? or the purple halberd? that one's cool.

[Inevitability]

Oh, really, man, that's lame. The battle was so much more fun when we did it. Did she even get to use the little demon thingies that slow you down and dig into you? or the purple halberd? that one's cool.

Nope. She was killed before even taking her first turn. Players, if you are reading this, I hate you. :smallannoyed:
JK...

[ironsnake345]

Nope. She was killed before even taking her first turn. Players, if you are reading this, I hate you. :smallannoyed:
JK...

Yeah, your guys suck. I mean, granted, as a player who personally has died to her purple halberd and watched her demon thingies effortlessly drop two of my companions, I can understand why they'd want to take extreme measures, but COME ON!!! I mean, really now, they just went straight in for the kill, and sure I can understand why, after all she is the kind of boss you'd want to sneak up on, what with the fact that she can deal very well with distant targets, even better with those moving in to attack her, and the best way to fight her is to just get in there and stay in there, but they just ruined it like that. You want my advice? Tell those players that they ruined a LOT of fun for themselves the next time you see them!

[ironsnake345]

Nope. She was killed before even taking her first turn. Players, if you are reading this, I hate you. :smallannoyed:
JK...

Only now am I seeing that hidden JK.
*clap*


*clap*


*clap*


still, they missed a really awesome battle.

[Mittur]

Hello everyone. I have only started playing Pathfinder recently, but some very interesting things have happened in my first few sessions.

So, gather round, all ye who would wish to listen, as I tell the tale of the smoothest Drow on the planet.

Everyone is 1st level, this is the very first session.

TN Elf Wizard specializing in Conjuration (me)
CN Human Fighter
NE Drow Inspired Blade Swashbuckler (who always hides his face with a mask and covers up his arms, legs, etc. so people don't know his race)

Additionally, we had a level 3 Rogue helping us out on this session, because our assignment was a bit above the pay grade of a few level 1s and we had a no-show (sadly).


This story takes place in a world where the balance between technology in magic is in turmoil. Spellcasters are not unheard of, and things like war blimps are used to wage war.

The campaign started with the party meeting with the Rogue in a tavern. Tensions were rising between a few countries, and we were hired to assassinate the Admiral of a small scouting fleet of zeppelins (10 or so ships, with ~4 gunboats, ~5 destroyers, and a flagship) in order to hinder troop mobilization and aggression. We ended up hiding in storage crates (a bit cliche, but it worked) and sneaking aboard a gunboat as the fleet took flight on a journey across a sea.

When the gunboat's engineer came back to check the storage room, I cast Ghost Sound on a box we weren't in to distract him while Swashbuckler stabbed the guy. That gets him to very low HP, and we roll initiative and Swashbuckler goes first. He knocks him out with the side of his rapier, and the rest of us plan our next move.

This gunboat was fairly small (~60 feet from back propeller to front, and ~25 feet wide), so our options of being stealthy were... limited, at best. So, as any good adventuring group would do, we told the Rogue to put on the engineer's clothes while we shoved his unconscious body in a storage box.

The Rogue convinces the Sergeant on board that there were mechanical difficulties with one of the guns (which are mounted on outside balconies, one on each side of the ship). When he goes outside, the Swashbuckler promptly sneaks through the central room (while the rest of the people on board are distracted by the Rogue) and pushes the Sergeant off the edge.

We then go into open fighting with the three remaining crew members. The armed ones weren't a problem, but the pilot managed to pull us out of formation with the fleet and almost crack the windshield on the bridge.

After having neutralized all targets aboard the gunboat, the Swashbuckler tortured (and then killed) a surviving crew member for the siren-based communications code, but to no avail. The rest of us searched frantically for a communications handbook, and we managed to decipher the signal for "Technical Difficulties". Another gunboat was dispatched to assist us, and then things got good.

In the time it takes the other gunboat to come over to us and put down a plank between us for transfer of crew and items, we come up with a daring plan: We all dress up in the uniforms of the enemies, and I Prestidigitation a torch onto the engine, causing it to explode immediately after we board the other ship.

Naturally, the crew members on the other ship were suspicious of us, and they began interrogating the Swashbuckler. What followed was one of the most insane series of Diplomacy and Bluff checks I have ever seen. Keep in mind that the Swashbuckler's bonus to these rolls is only +5.

"Who is your engineer?" asks the ship's Sergeant.

The Swashbuckler points to the Fighter.

Sergeant: "You have failed in your duties to the fleet (draws sword, points at Fighter). You must be executed at once. Die with honor."

Swashbuckler: "Are you sure the ship's destruction was not the builder's fault for making the engine so easily flammable? If anything, they are more at fault than our engineer here, who simply happened to be on a faulty ship." Diplomacy - 21.

Sergeant: "He still failed in his duties. While the blame may not rest entirely on his shoulders, he failed to prevent the loss of valuable military assets (continues pointing sword at Fighter)."

I Ghost Sound someone yelling "WAIT!" from the bridge. No one bothers to see who said it, because they are transfixed on the Swashbuckler, who boldly approaches the Sergeant.

Swashbuckler (staring down the Sergeant): "Are you SURE he deserves execution... PRIVATE?" Bluff - 21.

The rest of the room looks around dumbfounded.

Newly-demoted Private: "But I've seen your registration file! You are merely a corporal! Do not insult a senior officer like that!"

Swashbuckler: "Do not deny me, unless you WANT the others to hear about your past..." Bluff - 21.

By this point, everyone in the room is convinced of the Swashbuckler's story, except for our new Private.

Private: "But you can't do that! You are going to be killed for insubordination!"

Swashbuckler: "Am I, though? I am an undercover agent working for the king, currently investigating bad military conduct. I demand to see the Admiral at once." Bluff - 23.

The pilot pulls us up to the flagship, and we go up to the bridge.

We talk to the Admiral, but he is sadly unconvinced of our story. We are alone in the bridge with him, our Private from earlier, and two pilots. I try to cast a Silent Image of an approaching enemy ship, but the Admiral is unfazed. So, we decide to enact a surprise round.

We pull out all the stops taking this guy down, and down he goes, before he can even react, thanks to some extremely lucky rolls. We found out after the fact that he was a Level 6 Executioner Slayer.

We manage to take out one pilot and the Private, but the other pilot jams a dagger into the controls, causing the ship to wobble. After a few lucky rolls and a Mending spell, we are in control of the flagship in the middle of the fleet, and the other ships (and the rest of the flagship crew) are none-the-wiser.

Since the flagship is in the middle of the fleet, we decide to make a hard right, ramming and destroying a few ships in the process. We start burning and losing altitude over a forested coast, but Feather Fall (specifically in scroll form) saves the day, and the party makes it out unharmed, having not taken a single point of damage for the entirety of the mission. We land comfortably on a beach and watch the ship slowly descend and crash.

The ship goes down in what can be only described as a magnificent fireball of metal, wood, and the charred and crushed bodies of woodland creatures. We salvage what we can, get paid 5,000 gp each, and are recruited into a shadow organization due to our good work.

This all happened in our first session. If the party ever has more memorable tales, I'll be sure to post them here.

[Othniel]

I've got on from the start of our Skull and Shackles campaign that my group started this weekend:

We'd just been told by one of the NPCs to climb to the top of the rigging to see who the riggers would be. One of our characters, a Tiefling Knife Master Rogue, critically failed his climb check and fell off the top of the rigging. Had it not been for the quick thinking of another party member, and a kind DM who let said party member roll a reflex save to catch the Tiefling by his tail, the Rogue would've died 1 hour into the campaign...at level 1.

[The Random NPC]

I've got on from the start of our Skull and Shackles campaign that my group started this weekend:

We'd just been told by one of the NPCs to climb to the top of the rigging to see who the riggers would be. One of our characters, a Tiefling Knife Master Rogue, critically failed his climb check and fell off the top of the rigging. Had it not been for the quick thinking of another party member, and a kind DM who let said party member roll a reflex save to catch the Tiefling by his tail, the Rogue would've died 1 hour into the campaign...at level 1.

And that's why you don't play with crit fumble rules, especially on checks that can't crit succeed.

[ComaVision]

And that's why you don't play with crit fumble rules, especially on checks that can't crit succeed.

1. Sounds like they enjoyed the game as it's in the "Funny D&D Stories"

2. You don't need critical fumble rules to fall on a 1 during a Climb check.

I get it, a lot of people on the forum don't like fumble rules. Do you really need to get huffy about it any time it is ever mentioned regardless of the context?

[Othniel]

1. Sounds like they enjoyed the game as it's in the "Funny D&D Stories"

2. You don't need critical fumble rules to fall on a 1 during a Climb check.

I get it, a lot of people on the forum don't like fumble rules. Do you really need to get huffy about it any time it is ever mentioned regardless of the context?

Yeah, my use of "critically failed" might have thrown folks off. He made it UP okay, but rolled a 1 climbing down, and according to the DM that means he lost his grip and fell off. I'm kind of a noob when it comes to terminology and remembering all the rules (I've been playing for 6 months, but that's probably like...maybe 10 sessions tops), so I just generally go with what the more experienced members of the group tell me. I'm getting better though.

And yes, it was hilarious at the time. The guy had 3 other character sheets ready to go, just in case (which made it even funnier).

[Mittur]

And that's why you don't play with crit fumble rules, especially on checks that can't crit succeed.

IMO it really depends on the group. If you have a group that doesn't really care what happens so long as it makes a good story, crit fumbles can be great. To get mildly back on the thread's topic, in a session that I DM'd, a crit fumble deck ruled that an enemy (warrior 1 NPC) managed to wedge his rapier into the smooth, undamaged cave wall without it or his arm breaking in the process. Somehow. Hilarity ensued as no one was able to pull it back out after the battle.

Sure, having your party Rogue drop his weapon one too many times or accidentally shoot the Wizard in the foot is annoying, but it is a great feeling when a powerful enemy accidentally trips and falls on his sword. Unrealistic, unpredictable, but possibly very fun (and funny).

But like I said, it depends on the group. In this specific group, such a story was memorable enough for a member to post it here and the DM was merciful enough not to let one stroke of bad luck ruin a character. Things like that can break a planned-out story or kill off a cool character if handled badly, but they tend to look cool (or incredibly stupid) in the process, and most DMs are merciful about that kind of stuff.

[The Random NPC]

1. Sounds like they enjoyed the game as it's in the "Funny D&D Stories"

2. You don't need critical fumble rules to fall on a 1 during a Climb check.

I get it, a lot of people on the forum don't like fumble rules. Do you really need to get huffy about it any time it is ever mentioned regardless of the context?

I had this whole speech planned out about how it should have been impossible for a likely Dex based character to fail what was likely a DC 5 or 10 climb check, but then I remembered that Climb is Str based. I do apologize for comment though. You are correct, this wasn't really the place for it.


Sure, having your party Rogue drop his weapon one too many times or accidentally shoot the Wizard in the foot is annoying, but it is a great feeling when a powerful enemy accidentally trips and falls on his sword. Unrealistic, unpredictable, but possibly very fun (and funny).

Personally I disagree, I normally feel robbed if a powerful enemy dies through no action of mine. Mostly for the same reasons I don't generally like fiat. Regardless, you're right, if everyone is having fun, you must be doing something right.

[Mittur]

Personally I disagree, I normally feel robbed if a powerful enemy dies through no action of mine.
I can understand where you're coming from, because being challenged is a big part of playing games like these. My group and I are likely to marvel in awe at an improbable yet favorable situation that occurs right in front of our eyes. Rather than seeing it as a missed opportunity to face a challenge, we tend to view it as a stroke of good luck and fortune. We're the type of people who try to bypass as many challenges as possible rather than face them head-on, and if the enemies make it easier for us, then that's less work for us.

Our outlook on the situation is likely largely impacted by the fact that when a member of our group DMs, it is not expected to be an easy session by any means. It is supposed to push us to the limit both as characters and players, and fighting everything up front is likely to get us all killed. However, we are all okay with this ruthlessness, and we all have a good time.

But that's why everyone rules it differently. Everyone has different preferences, and it's hard to please everyone. To each their own, so long as everyone has a good time.

[snailgosh]

This happened in our last session.

Our group (Barbarian, Bard, Monk and myself the Psion) was tasked to end the wrongdoings of a necromancer and to retrieve his holy symbol. Through some lucky rolls we found out his name was Basilius and he was a follower of Afflux, a god of torture, undeath and knowledge and were able to get some additional info on that god.

Later we embarked on our quest and tracked Basilius down in a stonehenge-esque formation, protected by his undead minions. We took potshots at the undead who where hesitant to leave the stone circle while Basilius hid in a magical fog and sent spells in our direction. Meanwhile my psicrystal snuck up on the necro undetected through the adjecent underbrush.
Having just learned the telepathic speech, my psicrystal sent these words directly ito the necro's head:

Basilius, these petty intruders are not worth your attention! All the pieces are finally in place and it is time to set the plan in motion.
You unveiled many a dark secret in my name, my son, and have shown both skill and devotion to my cause.
You filled my ears with the joy of many a desperate scream.
For this, you shall be rewarded. I chose you to become the harbinger of my Bloody Inquisition.
Relieve yourself of your mortal shell! Offer me your final pain and agony and you shall rise anew as my undying champion to spread news of the grim future ahead.
Then the intruders will be the first of many to fall victim.
Fear not. Everything will be clear once you achieved your true form.
I have placed my trust in you. Do as the Bloodfather commands, Basilius.

Basically, I was hoping I could bluff him into suicide and was ready to spend a Fate Point on that.
Little did we know our DM was planning to have him transform right from the beginning! :smalleek:
no bluff check needed, cue (prepared in advance) sound file: "HAHAHAHAHAAAA...Now you will witness my TRUE FORM!!"

So the necro suddenly transformed into a hulking mass of warped flesh and charged.

Psion: "Guys, I think I just made a terrible mistake."

So both the GM and our group had each other baffled. Had been a great session. (Our barbarian managed to take him out with a x4 scythe crit by massive damage rule ^^)

[illyahr]

Little did we know our DM was planning to have him transform right from the beginning! :smalleek:
no bluff check needed, cue (prepared in advance) sound file: "HAHAHAHAHAAAA...Now you will witness my TRUE FORM!!"

Your DM even had a sound clip prepared? That's impressive. :smallbiggrin:

[snailgosh]

Your DM even had a sound clip prepared? That's impressive. :smallbiggrin:
Yeah he's doing all he can and more to maximize the immersion.

[CoOkIisme]

Oh joy. I have a tale I feel I need to tell. :smallbiggrin: It actually happened today in fact.

My fellow party members, who I shall refer to as Gr, Ia, Et, and Ga (Gr = Paladin, I = Fighter, E = Sorcerer, and Ga = forge obsessed Fighter.) were complete noobs, so it was destined for greatness.

I was incapacitated from a previous fight, so I wasn't a part of the shenanigans taking place.

Gr had taken a flying dolphin as his mount, (Don't ask.) and was leading our party through some floating island we stumbled onto. Out of ground, a stone golem appeared, and began to attack us. (Our DM had lowered the CR for our noob team.)

Ia was a Chaotic-Neutral psychopath, and hated (In-character) Gr. While Gr charged at the golem, Ia snuck behind him and critically sliced Gr straight in half. Et attempted to hug the golem, and got flung to edge of the island.

After we finished the fight, we collected Gr's remains, (No one else actually noticed Ia kill him.) and ran to the currently bleeding-out Et. Ga critically failed a heal check, and accidently pushed him off of the island.

The golem wasn't even the boss of the island. We haven't even fought it yet, but we will next week. I have high expectations.

[Dasgovernator]

Okay so my group was playing a Way of the Wicked game (Evil Pathfinder AP), and one of our players couldn't make it one day, so we played a side mission where some of our evil henchmen had to take out a local LG preacher. Long story short, we find out that he's secretly a werewolf (and cages himself to avoid causing damage/hurting people when he transforms), and accidentally released him during a full moon. We were playing as Level 3 NPC classes (and not even combat-heavy ones) and we quickly realized that we stood no chance of killing him (especially as his crazy lover Cleric GF was healing him every time we hit him), and fled the scene, leaving the wolf to feast on his mostly helpless congregation. However, some of the party had gotten bitten, and the DM rolled our saves (all failed) and a d100 to figure out how long it took to set in.

He got a nat 1. Which he had linked to "Within a few minutes" (Not really thinking this one through since we were way off the rails at this point), or in other words just long enough for the thugs-for-hire to spread all around the city before transforming and attacking other people, who then transformed and attacked more people. The end result was essentially a zombie-outbreak style attack except with extremely fast-moving creatures with DR 10/silver (which meant the local guards were completely ineffective against them), and the regular (Evil) party had spent the last few months killing off all of the major do-gooders in the town.

The result was the great Lycanthrope outbreak of '75, causing hundreds to thousands of deaths and garnering international attention despite the ongoing major war. Our DM had to rule that they eventually killed each other off in order to prevent them from completely annihilating a plot-critical city.

[ironsnake345]

good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! It's me again, with another weekly dose of school time D&D! (I didn't post last week because I couldn't remember any funny moments. note to self: bring scrap paper.) Anywho, if you've read my previous posts, you should already know the characters and their classes. Another thing, though, Burgle died. Yup, cutter's on to his fifth character. A pirate sorceror named Jason or something. Haven't pinned down quite yet weather he gets his power from draconic blood or a font of wild magic. Alright, stories ahoy!

So, here's the scene. We raised Brocc and Osric after they were killed, buried Burgle, collected reward money for clearing out the cave, bought material components and fine wine, had armor resized, sold our loot, and otherwise made bank. We went on from town off to I-Honestly-Forget-If-We-Had-Anything-In-Mind-At-That-Point-ville, and it was getting dark so we made camp. Then, round 2 AM, a really dense mist started rolling in, and we couldn't see crap. We tried picking up camp and avoiding it, but it was like it was following us. So, we just set camp back up, and when we awoke the next morning, we still had our stuff, but our camp setup was missing. Moreover, the slightly hilly and rather grassy plains we were travelling across were gone as well. In fact, we had somehow ended up in a dense, muddy, very creepy swamp. We had Syrinden do his aura sense thing after a while, and what the DM said was that a thick, black, oily goo rose up from the swamp and washed over him.

He awoke a few hours later, with a bad headache, and news that the land itself was very, very evil.

Yep, the DM started handing out notes this session. THAT'S always a good sign. Dinten started trying to sense undead and stuff, and the DM handed him a note. We later found out that it said Fay was undead, and to kill her. (Yes, her. I believe I said she was a man earlier, that was a mistake.) He succeeded in dropping her, despite Osric and Brocc trying to prevent it, and the DM handed him another note. After the session when Dinten's player was reading us his notes, we discovered that this one said "Uh oh, Brocc and Osric are undead too. Better take them out!" We were able to knock him out and tie him up, but not before Brocc had to break up the fighting going on between Osric, Syrinden, and the new guy. Brocc had picked it up that something in this land was trying to turn the party on itself. We haven't figured out for sure if that's true, but hey, we've already established that the swamp was pure evil. If you don't know what I'm talking about, maybe read the last spoiler. Anyway, that night, we made camp on a little hillock, where it was dry enough, and the DM handed Dinten another note. (Dinten tried to convince us he was in some sort of trance earlier that day, when he attacked the party.) We didn't know that the note said "Your bonds are really bad. By the way, the entire party is undead. Get to work. Start with Fay, though." Sure enough, he waited until fay was taking watch, and stabbed her with his Rapier. This dropped her, but we did hear her yell a bit, before Dinten took off with the body. Syrinden went looking for Dinten and Fay, Brocc followed (with expeditious retreat, because he's slower), and Osric started waking up, slowly. Also, Jason-whoever was there. Cue Fay lunging out of the water and almost killing the entire party. Thankfully, everyone survived... except for Fay. It doesn't look like we'll be able to raise her... Osric is about to lose a good friend.

It is worh noting that, during the events of the last arc, something happened which had the entire party laughing like crazy. After Dinten downed Brocc, the very next turn, Brocc critted his death save and went back up, but then Dinten double attacked, critted, and dropped Brocc right back down. And Osric too! Then, Syrinden tried to stop Dinten, but couldn't do anything because he crit-missed like every attack from then on, until he was critically wounded and then finally managed to KO Dinten. Yeah, Dinten is deadly in the right situations.

Look, I don't care if we're stuck wading through all this mud without it, we've already established that this place is so evil that the very air flowing through the swamp probably has intent to murder us, and a CONVENIENT raft just appears next to where we make camp, so that we can just ride it all through the swamp? That's a trap! (This is a roleplay heavy group. It often makes Brocc seem like the only sane man.)

Not much else happened that session. We met some wierd people who may have been an illusion, and Brocc naturally distrusted this. In fact his first reaction was "I am attempting to disbelieve this!" As it turns out, you have to get some evidence beyond suspicion that an illusion is, in fact, an illusion, before you can disbelieve it. Lame. Also, we fought a crocodile, which nobody in the entire party knew what was, (even Brocc's 18 int. That's sad.) and some giant frogs.

[Marbled_Thief]

So these stories are from a 4e campaign I played with some of my friends and my older brother.
Our party consisted of:
me, a kleptomaniac drow warlock
my friend with extravagant ideas, a human wizard
my first-time gaming friend, a dragonborn warlord
my brother, the genasi swordmage (and the only one with actual moral standards/sense of responsibility)

Our First Boss Fight
After we had fought our way through a bandit encampment, we got to our first boss fight, which consisted of some sort of wizard and his pet wolf. We're all fighting them, and our tactics are...sub-par. The wizard insists on only using magic missile because he "might need the daily powers for a later fight." The warlord decides that instead of healing, he is going to solo death-match the wolf while the rest of us handle the wizard. He ends up dying, though the party does win the fight. The spoils include a bag of holding and a magical unidentified orb of darkness. Instead of lugging around our dead friend's corpse, we cut off a finger to use for a resurrection ritual and dump that, along with his equipment, in the bag of holding because why take up more extra-dimensional storage space than you need to?

Playing with Unidentified Orbs of Darkness
We were on our way to a sorcerer that could resurrect the dead warlord when we took a break in a forest clearing. The rest of the party was resting while I was on first watch, and I decided to experiment with the aforementioned magical unidentified orb of darkness. DM asked for my will defense, which was decently high for a low level character, but not high enough. I got possessed and began attacking the other party members. Eventually they knocked me out and had the wizard use mage hand to put the orb back into the bag of holding because he thought that by not touching it, he wouldn't get possessed. He was wrong. Afterwards our DM told us that the orb was actually a paragon/epic tier artifact that he wasn't expecting us to mess with quite so soon.

Betting on the Lives of Party Members
This story took place a few levels later, after all party members were unpossessed and resurrected. IRL, my friends and I had just watched Gladiator and were inspired by it. We decided that whatever plot-related adventure had been planned could wait, because we were going to track down the underground pit fighting arena that we decided existed in this city. DM went along with it and we soon found ourselves in Shady Building o' Fighting. We convinced the swordmage to enter himself in a tournament as a fighter while the warlord and I watched and placed bets on his life. He ended up winning, though we helped on the last match with a trick involving invisible crossbow bolts (We just called it protecting our investment). Because he was a new-comer, we had excellent odds on him, and ended up with around 20,000 gp each from the matches. The best part? The look on the swordmage's player's face when he found out that the prize for winning the tournament was only 1,000 gp.

Domestic Spats
When we got to around level 12, plot events had progressed to the point were amusing tangents were limited, what with the impending apocalypse and all. However, this didn't stop the wizard from deciding that he wanted the party to take a few months off of adventuring while he crafted a flesh golem. He convinced the warlord that this was a good idea, while the swordmage and I argued that we didn't have time to make a golem because we were in the middle of an adventure to stop a cult from summoning the chained god Tharizdun. The argument reached such epic proportions that we decided to settle it with a fight, me and the swordmage vs the wizard, the warlord, and the fighter that was accompanying us. Because the wizard and the warlord had been slacking in updating their character sheets after leveling, we totally creamed them. They learned their lesson, we dumped out all of the corpse parts from the bag of holding, and everyone learned to fear whenever me and the swordmage actually agreed on something

[Mittur]

Back again, this is the same group but with the GM from last time being the Summoner and the Swashbuckler from last time being the GM. It's a bit more brief this time, because I am highlighting one short-but-sweet moment of greatness.

We are running RotRL, but we only just finished the first part. I will try to keep any potential spoilers to a minimum, but you should still read at your own discretion if you are playing/plan on playing RotRL.

We have a rather interesting cast of characters for this campaign. At this point we are all level 3.

LG Human Inquisitor of Iomedae (me)
NG-turned-N Human Rogue
CG Half Elf Summoner (who we call a pseudobard due to his tendency to play instruments)

We are at the point to where we have infiltrated Ripnugget's fort, and are about to face him. Since we anticipate him being a tough fight, we decide to talk first, and we figure that since we managed to calm two other goblins into working with us, we can do the same to him.

A gecko-mounted Ripnugget is surrounded by elite goblin guards and a warchanter. So, as any sane person would do, our Summoner decides to walk up to the warchanter and ask him if he would like to play a duet.

Natural 20.

It turns out that our Summoner has some sort of latent, virtuoso-level talent for playing the flute, so we decide that he managed to play this universe's version of Through the Fire and Flames without missing a single note. The warchanter had a small amount of lute-based contribution.

After such an awesome performance, the whole room kinda just stands and stares. The gecko's jaw literally drops and hits the floor. So, we decide to follow up such a great performance with some diplomatic talk.

26, after modifiers.

We propose settling the differences between us nonviolently, but Ripnugget refuses, saying that it will take a bit more than that to convince him. So, we reword our argument and try again.

Natural 20.

As we walk up to Ripnugget to seal our sort-of peace treaty, he screams "Attack!"

All the goblins in the room refuse to attack us and walk out, except for the warchanter. He walks up to our Summoner and asks him to be his musical tutor.

Ripnugget stares in awe, and then commences the attack. We manage to take him out by lighting his side of the room on fire and sundering his armor. He surrenders right before becoming Kentucky Fried Goblin.

After that, we loot the place and go back to the town, but choose not to check out the basement at Ripnugget's request.

That's all I have for now. If more ridiculous stuff happens, it will be posted.

[ironsnake345]

*post*

Oh, man, people are gonna get us confused. We both use the same avatar, and at least SEEM to be coming on and posting regularly.

[Mittur]

Oh, man, people are gonna get us confused. We both use the same avatar, and at least SEEM to be coming on and posting regularly.

Heh, yeah. That is, um... going to be a bit confusing. I suppose we could request custom avatars, which I should probably do at some point.

[Drake S.]

New to this thread, but I thought I'd share a funny moment we had with our party in one of our first campaigns.

Just as a little background info, we were investigating why every night a village was beset by very large poisonous snakes. It was daylight, so we had plenty of time to do some exploring of the woods nearby. I play a Human Ranger(Draketooth), and there was a Wood Elf Rogue(Ikaalem), a Dragonborn Paladin(Taheel), a Half-Orc Fighter(Goulash), and our very eccentric Hill Dwarf Bard(Dewgus). Also note that Dewgus, had just recently acquired a chicken from a previous session and he was treating the chicken as a loyal pet.

While in the woods, with my unmatched Ranger tracking prowess, we discover two sets of tracks. One from a Gnome Wizard we just killed(the Dragonborn hates gnomes), and the other from a set of Gnolls we had also just managed to kill. Apparently, before we ran into them both, they had met together and entered into some kind of deal and exchange.

So, we decided to split the party. The Rogue and I were to follow the Gnolls' tracks since we were experts in Stealth, and the terrain was difficult. Rangers excel in difficult terrain and me, moreso with Forest as my Preferred Land type. Meanwhile, Dewgus and the rest of the group followed the Gnome's tracks. Turns out, they found something of interest and they needed the party together. So, rather than backtrack, they decided to send the chicken with a message tied to its leg. The DM had them roll Animal Handling, and BOOM nat20. The DM shook his head and had them roll for the chicken to see whether he understood the task to send the message to me and the Rogue. Again, nat20.

So, we sent the chicken(whom we later named Sir Henry) as a Messenger chicken. The DM even had them roll for the chicken to make sure he got to us safely. 19, it worked. We got the message from the chicken and returned. It was pretty funny how it all worked out. It worked out so well though that our DM wrote a campaign called the Epic Tale of Sir Henry, in which we discovered that Sir Henry was once a noble knight who was turned into a chicken. It explained how he was able to be loyal to us and survive several of our encounters with some the luckiest die rolling we've ever had in any of our campaigns. He died in that story, but his human spirit lived on and ever since then, Dewgus has been saving enough gold to build a shrine in his honor. :smallsmile:

[illyahr]

This just happened in our last game and I'm kinda proud of how the group handled it.

The characters are as follows:
N/N Dwarf Ftr/Brb specializing in trip (new to tabletop rpg's, first ever D&D campaign)
C/N gnome sorceress blaster (experienced, but doesn't understand rules interaction very well)
C/N human bard (most experienced of the group, but plays support and mild control rolls to let other players learn. Usual control method involves irritating target into attacking so can claim self-defense)
N/E human cleric of nerull (new to tabletops, prone to hilarious IC rants)

The group had encountered a 6'6" amazon (Brb2/Ftr2) with a highly enchanted greataxe (E6 game, a +2 greataxe of speed that instilled a barbarian's rage when wielded). They all know that a straight fight will see them all dead so they come up with a stupid/awesome plan to take her down.

Bard starts irritating the amazon and the cleric goes off on one of his rants in the inn that have us rolling around laughing. When the amazon looks like she's about to kill the bard (for the third time this session) sorceress pulls the card out of her 1-card deck of illusions: a red dragon. She then throws some alchemist's fire on the inn and cries for help, that a dragon is burning down the town. Amazon, only too glad to be able to kill something, rushes out to face the dragon. Runs right out the door...right past our trip-expert. One AoO later and she's face-first on the ground. Bard picks up her axe and calls a shot to her neck. -4 for non-proficient and I said -6 for such a small target is balanced by her being prone and the axe bestowing rage on the bard.

Natural 20. Confirms by 1.

As the townsfolk gather and yell that they attacked someone trying to help, the bard uses a massive bluff that she was working for the dragon. The sorceress (a gnome, remember) goes all Gandalf and shouts "You shall not pass" as she dismisses the dragon illusion. Everyone now thinks she banished the dragon and the group killed the dragon's minion.

[TitanKhan]

I'm currently DMing a dual campaign with an evil party and a good party playing simultaneously.

The Good Party Consists of:
Elben(A high minded human paladin:smallsmile:)
Biddick(A gnome illusionist wizard:smallconfused:)
Rezhald(An evocation mage who was almost burned to death:smallfurious:)
Rorik/Bourgi/Ilveros(This player keeps changing characters, a human bard, a half-orc monk, and finally an elven ranger respectively:smallyuk:)
Jacob Riverspawn(A gnome mercenary NPC that has latched on to the party:smallbiggrin:)

The Shield Bash
During a good party fight with a few earth mephits(earthen dwarves with reptilian wings) Rezhald knocked a mephit out of the air with a thunderous explosion. Jacob charges up to take the monster out and decides to smash the thing's face in with his shield. He missed and the players all blamed it on his choice of attack, screaming at him to use his maul already. In an act of admittedly disproportionate revenge for them questioning the fighting style of my NPCs as well as an ongoing joke I made shield bashing Jacob's trademark. There was some grumbling, but once he got a decked out spiked shield and a second attack each turn the shield bash became something to be excited about. Now the players are fond of shouting out "SHIELD BASHHHH!" whenever the stout gnome makes an attack.

Hit Him!
Later in the good campaign the party was engaged with a mob of cannibals exploding out of the floor of a temple. Rorik, Jacob, and Elben were kicking --- and taking names, but Biddick found that his spells weren't helping much. As frustration with his ineffectualness mounted and the other players got tired of trying to draw enemies away from him Rorik roared at him to just use his melee weapons. He didn't have one. Just as Biddick was being closed in on he remembered he had fists, and this little gnome mage proceeded to punch the ---- out of these cannibals. With an amazing streak of good rolls he managed to knock several of his assailants back down the hole they'd come out of forcing them to take falling damage. When the rest of the party cut through to him they found him dusting off his cloak and putting up his fists.

My Lord Riverspawn
Remember that player that keeps changing characters? Well, when his current one entered the game the city the party was stationed in was once again under attack by cannibals, except this time hulking Solomon Grundy-like ones called hulkers had joined the assault. Because Ilveros the elven ranger had never seen Jacob the fighter in action before he was not aware of the party's reluctant tolerance of him. And he happened to enter right when Jacob was having an insanely good streak against the hulkers. He's now in awe of the little guy and is his stalwart comrade and defender. The rest of the party never got around to telling him how annoying the gnome was before level 7.

[darkscizor]

Characters:

P, Human Wizard who hadn't learned any of his spells and never prepared them. He used
a crowbar to fight for most of the adventure, and to my knowledge, he never cast more than a single firebolt spell

Me, a cliché ranger with more spoken languages (common, elvish, dwarvish, orcish, draconic, etc.) than fingers (unfortunately missing a few fingers, for flavor). Standard drow revenge backstory, adopted, missing parents, etc. Is a half-elf.

C, the Halfling rogue who made strength his highest stat. Not much explanation needed here.


Me and some friends in school had been playing RPGs for a few months, and our DM had just gotten the lost mines of Phandelver. We had just started when we were attacked by a few goblins on a long trail. P died almost instantly, C was knocked unconscious and was left bleeding out on the ground, and I was down to 1HP when there were 3 gobblins left. I lucked out and killed two goblins before the third ran off, and then I healed C and we followed the road, ignoring the plot and getting drunk at the local bar. During the drinking game I had started, P *WITH THE EXACT SAME CHARACTER SHEET*, came into the bar. The bartender refused to give me another pitcher of wine, and, being a lawful good PC, I only hit him in the head with a bar stool instead of shooting him (Commoner, 4HP, I did 3 damage). He sold me all the wine for 1/2 price, clearly intimidated. P then came up to him and, after several failed attempts to stab him with an umbrella (IDK where he got it), bit his thumb off. The bartender died.

ME: "OH, HEY, LOOK. THE DEMON BABY (long story) JUST KILLED A GUY! *Rolls nat. 20 in diplomacy/charisma*

Everyone in the bar attacked him, dealing 30 damage altogether. He was a bloody mess on the ground when they finished with him.



Later, I burned down a plot-critical building with several teammates inside (yeah, the party got bigger) and we ran off into the woods, taming about 10 bears of different varieties, and eventually ended the campaign.

[Crazybushman09]

Started my first ever tabletop recently, a Pathfinder campaign having us chase the god of chaos around the realm.

Our Party/ Dysfunctional adopted family
I'm the Ninja, a half-elf obsessed with Scorpions by the name of Varithel, who started with his life long friend, Duck, the Greensting Scorpion. I'm the special child in our little "family"

Our tank was Kevin, a Paladin terrified of stoats who is a devout follower of Torag, and brings his goat Cedric with him everywhere (Preferred method of preaching, walking down the streets and into temples of other gods yelling "Y'ALL MOTHER****ERS NEED TORAG!!") He was Good/Stupid, casting detect evil on everything, and smashing it if it read positive. He was the retarded kid of the group, and he is convinced Tamarie's name is Tomorrow

The mage was an Oracle, the only female, by the name of Tamarie, who's followed by the poultergeist of her mischievous cousin. The mother figure of the group

Our Bard was a gnome by the name of Lanric, who we made many short jokes about, including having to go prone so we could get low enough to high-five him. The father figure, as he and Tamarie are the only sensible ones

Our DM is infamous, as he is blessed by the dice gods, and it makes the easiest enemies brutal more often than not.

The ****tles and Giggles so far.

During the first combat, while fighting a pack of 3 wolves, the party nearly died from the mangey mutts dodging half our attacks, but when we finally got the last one severely wounded, it made a dash for Cedric, who was in the cart. Luckily, it had to pass Kevin, who passed an attack of opportunity on the wolf, which was now almost upon Cedric. Kevin Succeeded in leaping Hulk-style 25 feet through the air, before smashing down straight onto the wolf's back, killing it. From then on, we began deliberately having Cedric at the front lines, so as to get Kevin's rolls up, as they seemed to increase dramatically every time his BFF is in danger.

In the next town, we gained a new party member. His name was Syke, but is better known as "that eejit". He's a human fighter focused on trip, and he has caused almost nothing but problems since his arrival. He has received many a slap and ear tug from Tamarie and I for his stupidity. He was going to be introduced by tailing us through the market place, but rolled so badly on sneak, that the DM decided that he jumped on his horse and yelled "Follow the Ninja and the tall guy with the goat!" In the middle of a bazar. Upon arriving at the local temple for some religious research, I had to pull him out by his ear to stop him from robbing the place blind.

Our next stop was an oasis in the desert we were asked to visit by a voice through prayer. While we waited there, Kevin and Lanric made sandcastles, Tamarie went swimming, I went Scorpion hunting (caught my second, her name is Goose) and Syke hid half buried in the sand, expecting an ambush. People began arriving, and Lanric understood them to be talking in Celestial. Turns out they were all avatars of the gods who hadn't sided with Olidamara, God of Chaos, our Antagonist. Kevin of course ran off to find "His home boy Torag", while Sykes went to hit on some godesses (Received multiple divine bitch slaps) and I sat quietly watching as the grown ups talked. Kevin found Torag talking with two other gods, one of which had fangs and a cloak. Deep in conversation, they shooed him away with the brush of a hand, but Kevin would not be deterred. He ran at the fanged god, and though I jumped on his back to stop him, he effortlessly outstrengthed me and threw me into the sand. At this point, the Gods are making bets. Kevin finds himself face to face with an invisible wall. He hits it.
DM: Roll Willpower
He rolls 2. Kevin is launched across the Oasis and crashes into the sand. However, he gets back up, and tries again. The other male members of the party now pounce him, and after a short scuffle, tie him to a horse, eventually gagging him to stop the yells of "I love you Torag! I'm yo number one fan!"

We were warned by one of the Gods that the dungeon we were headed to was heavily trapped, but we didn't realise the magnitude until we arrived. I was tasked with disarming every trap, but half the time Syke set it off before I had a chance, nearly killing us multiple times, trapping me at least twice (15 foot hole with darkness and muffle, sneaky and effective). I would have died, as would the others, if not for Lanric's height and my reflex rolls. Eventually, Syke activated a pit which caused the floor in a 10 foot surrounding radius to tilt inwards to it, and he finally got trapped himself. Thoroughly sick of his shenanigans, I got Varithel to promptly piss into the pit, which he couldn't see us from. While Tamarie looked for hidden passageways, the other lads joined me, and when he tied a rope to a crossbow bolt, we pushed it back, twice, until we were done.

While moving through the dungeon, we'd seen a painting of a demon, but it vanished when we touched it and a roar came from deeper in, so we were thoroughly scared. Eventually we found a door of wood, not trapped, not locked, and we got super suspicious. Syke opened it slightly, and we all heard a roar
Syke's player: That's the demon
DM: How do you know, yo udidn't check
Syke opens the door, sees the demon, closes it again
Syke: It's a demon
Kevin: Let's see if it's evil.
Syke opens the door, Kevin casts detect evil.
DM: That is most definitely evil
Syke closes the door again
DM: You can't detect the Evil anymore

Syke now begins to open and close the door, as Kevin gleefully goes "Evil, no evil, Evil, no evil". Funny as this is, Syke turns around to see the demon has noticed us after the repeated opening and closing of the door.Thankfully he's too big to fit through the door though. Closing the door again, Syke looks at us
Syke: He's there
Varithel: At the door
Syke: Yup
Knock on the door
Syke: What the? *opens door*
The demon then punched Syke in the face, sending him flying into Lanric, who got bowled over.

The following fight involved poking at the demon through the doorway with Syke's spear, accidentally hitting Syke with rocks, and thinking of what to do. Eventually, we had a system. Syke attacks, then stands back, the others take our shots, he moves back to hit it. During this, Kevin got bored, and began attempting to smash down the wall to the side of the demon, further into the room. Just before he did, Syke decided "Screw this", and tried to trip the demon. He, surprisingly, succeeded, and made his way into the room. He attacked the demon, I ran in, got a sneak attack critical for full damage on the demon as it got up, and just as it turned to me, Kevin crashed through the wall in a cloud of brick and dust, before yelling his catchphrase, "Y'ALL MOTHER****ERS NEED TORAG!" And smashing the creature with a smite evil boosted warhammer, causing it's head to explode in a single stroke.

Later, but still only level 2, the others headed to the library while Syke recovered from his hangover from the demon slaying celebrations and I went scorpion/alchemy shopping. While in the library, a shady man stole the book we wanted, and fled into the street, where he dodged a 19 from my nunchuks and ran down an alley. Following him, I got decked by a black knight as we turned a corner, and while me and Kevin stayed to deal with him, Tamarie and Lanric pursued the thief. Tamarie flanked him, and as he failed an acrobatics check, grabbed his trousers, pantsing him (This is happening in 5ft wide alleys by the way). As Lanric starts jumping on top of the thief, while Tamarie tries to get up from the mud, still holding his trousers, the fight with the Black Knight took an unsuspected turn. I wall jumped around behind him, sneak attacked him but just pinged off, while he and Kevin both failed to hit each other. (Also, everytime our hits failed, our DM just went *ding*.) Eventually, this guy decides to punch Kevin. He scores max damage, hitting Kevin for 12 of his 16 hp, flooring him. Deciding it was only appropriate, we had him yell "Black Knight..... PUUUUAAAANNCCHH!" As he hit Kevin. With pride and nose broken, Kevin could only watch as the black knight picked up Lanric, threw him back at us, picked up the thief, threw him to three other shady figures, and left with the parting line of "Damn Torag fangirl..."

Kevin's player was unable to make any more sessions, so we agreed that Kevin gave up being a paladin to join the circus with Cedric. In the session where we met out new tank, he ignored us and went to the head of the caravan we were following. The plan was to capture one of the bandits who kept raiding the caravans so we could find their camp and poison their water with the stupid amounts of scorpion venom I've accumulated from all my pet scorpions (around 6) and the remains of the giant ones I failed to tame. During the inevitable bandit fight, I managed to immobilize one by shooting him through the legs, and ran off to tie him up for interrogation later. Sitting on him, tied up, as the battle finished up, I tried to calm him down. Diplomacy, natural 1.
Varithel: Do you like scorpions
Bandit: ARRRRGHHH MY LEGS!!
Varithel:* Looks up and smiles* I like Scorpions....
Needless to say, this guy REALLY hates me. The interrogation plan is to lock him in a caravan with me until he breaks.

More as the story continues

[ironsnake345]

Sorry for being gone so long! Session before last I neglected to put up any funny moments, and last session was the same. Anyway, here are the funny moments that have happened over the last few sessions!

So, we wandered through the swamp a while... did I already tell you about this guy? Well, we found a weird young man, who we later learned was named Luke, who lived in a house propped up on sturdy poles in the swamp. People brought him boxes of food now and again, and he spent all his waking hours either lighting a ****ton of lanterns at nightfall, extinguishing them at daybreak, eating the very barest of bare minimums to survive, smashing his own face in when one of the lanterns is put out at night, or staring off into the distance blankly. He did absolutely nothing else. Then, when we went off in the direction he was looking, he picked up a box of food and a lantern and started following us. It led us to a town which is suspicious of new faces. Long story short, the dead are coming to life within the enormous evil aura which is also blanketing this town, and there have been some mysterious murders besides people simply dropping dead, and We've been deputized by the constable.

Alright, that's out of the way. Now, the actual moments!

As Luke followed us around on the raft which turned out to be completely not a trap, Dinten grew suspicious of him. So, he pulled out his bow and said: "Alright, if this guy says anything, I'm gonna shoot him." Sounds nice enough, but the DM started poking fun at that. We started talking about like, is dinten just gonna shoot him at anything he says? "Hmm, nice weather we're ha-" THWAP! "I could use some lu-" THWAP! "I gotta use the ba-" THWAP! Dinten then specified that he would only shoot if he heard anything he didn't understand, or that sounded magical.

When we got to town, we couldn't help but notice everyone looked at us funny. I wasn't gonna take any of it, so Brocc just looked out to the townsfolk staring at us and said, "What?" No response. "No, seriously! why are you all staring at us like that?" That got a response from the townsfolk. "We don't see many strangers around here..." Then Dinten piped up: "Well, I can see why. This dump wouldn't be the first place I go." Brocc: "Dinten! Really! It doesn't matter what kind of town this is, we need to be polite!" James: (This is the guy who dies a lot. I finally rembered his name.) "Feh. I've soiled on chamberpots nicer than this town." Brocc: (facepalming) "I am not with him..."

We were looking for supplies, which brought us to the general store. It was run by a dwarf, who was rare in these parts, and as we walked in, we got this transaction: "Hey, welcome to my store! Oh, you're an elf... I don't see many elves around here." Dinten: "I don't see many dwarves myself." Shopkeeper: "Well, what're you doing here, pointy? Ya looking for arrows?" Dinten: "Not much, shorty." Shopkeeper: "Hey! ...I'll let that go for now."
Also, he totally mistook syrinden for a dwarf, because of how short he is.

While we were talking to the shopkeeper mentioned above, we had recently established that we were in another world entirely, and that the mist that overtook our camp a post or two ago transported us here. The people who vanished? They're the Vestani, a people who ride the mist places. Turns out that was just Brocc being paranoid again. Anyway, Dinten wanted to see if, by any chance, the dwarf was form the same world as us. Dinten: "By the way, have you ever heard of Baldur's Gate?" Shopkeeper: "No. What is that? is it, like, a dance or something? I know elves like dancing and other useless stuff." Osric: "I start dancing the Baldur's Gate!"

As a rogue, can I see if I know this as the smell of a poison?" "can I do a nature check?" "Can I make an acrobatics check?" (DM proceeds to giggle at Osric's player)

A bit of story before this quick thing, Fay's corpse came to life and attacked us. Fay had recently been replaced by a rogue named Leverus, who was like a shy, soft spoken, almost child-aged, rogue version of Varsuvius. That is to say, he/she was mysterious and gender undefined. Anyway, Fay's corpse busts into the inn where we're all staying, and Dinten sees it and fails a charisma save. He loses his turn and the rest of the party proceeds to burn, turn, and slice Fay's corpse before it can hurt us. Afterwards, Dinten was acting strange, and he moved and acted differently from normal. He went off to the blacksmith to forge some new weapons because his bow didn't feel right to him, without telling anyone. This is right after the fight with Fay's corpse, and it's nighttime. Leverus was sneaking up behind him, to see where Dinten was going. Anyway, Dinten approaches the door to the blacksmith, and...

"I knock on the door." "You get no response." "I knock harder." "You still get no response." (leverus breaks stealth and puts his/her hand on Dinten's shoulder) "I think they're closed."

A quote from Osric while making a horror save: "Am I totally awesome at charisma saves? Oh, yeah I- ooh, bugger."

We go to the farm house of the family who founded this town. Ghouls are there, feasting on the corpses of some townspeople who went missing with a tiny blood-spot and the murderer's calling card left behind. We return the corpses, get a warrant to check out the town house of the family, find a weird scroll in a secret cubby. We also see a couch that's been slept in recently. The scroll contains a grim prophecy which tells of the son of a prestigious family dying, returning as undead, more dead rising, a curse turning from one guy onto everyone else, the sun failing, and a lot of death. There's one passage missing, though. Luke had been occasionally saying weird things, which matched the passages from that scroll. We meet the killer and he gets away. He is incredibly fast and deadly with a stiletto. Next day, he reveals himself to be a member of the family who founded the town, and that Luke is his brother. He stabs Luke, Luke's last words are the missing passage, I scribble the important part down, Luke dies. We kill the dude, he turned out to be bat-**** crazy, and him trying to bring his other brother back after the local priest failed was probably the reason that this zombie apocalypse is happening. Last passage of the scroll says we need to go to the old graveyard and return the scroll to some stone with six stars on it to stop this terrible rainstorm which will paint the town red, if you know what I mean.

Listen, Syrinden! I don't care if this is against the law, there's too much of a coincidence between what's going on and this scroll! The corpses, the dead brother, the dark magic, the rain, and we have to try and stop it! And even If I'm wrong, and this is all just some crazy coincidence and we broke the law for no reason, we can do the time, we can pay the fine, we can say we're sorry, and we can be on our way! We have nothing to lose here! Now come on, we've got a prophecy to stop!

As we failed to stop the storm from coming, we had no choice but to fight EVERYBODY who had been buried in the graveyard, and we were trying to find ways around it to stop a full on zombie apocalypse. Dinten, after being approached by seven zombies, steps forward, inhales dramatically, and...

Breathes loudly at the zombies.

Then, with a successful wisdom save, it hit Brocc. Dinten thought he was landragosa.

Landragosa is the half blue dragon fighter guy from before we entered the fog. So, in other words, now we have a ranger who THINKS he's a dragonborn fighter who wields a spear and a greatsword seperately, and who is incredibly deadly. In truth, he is completely ignoring the bow he is unbelievably deadly with, and instead using a melee weapon which he has ABSOLUTELY NO BONUSES for.

Also, we're fighting off a zombie apocalypse, I'm out of spells, Osric is out of spells, Syrinden is out of spells, and Jason, who is a sorcerer by the way, is unconsious. Yep, we're gonna die!

The session cut off in the middle of that fight.

[YossarianLives]

Copied from another post of mine.


The first character I ever played was a paladin. I knew almost nothing about D&D at the time. When I asked about the gods I could worship they told that most Paladins worship "Grayskull."

At the time I had never heard of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe.

The first time my character smote evil they told me that paladins had to yell "By the power of Grayskull, I smite evil." I totally believed them and went along with it as they sniggered behind my back.



Almost two years later I found out the truth.

[F1zban]

Premise: The party are in a dwarven inn, carved from the rock of the mountain. They have tracked their quarry (a dwarven arms dealer) to one of the rooms upstairs. After painstakingly sneaking into his room, only inciting mild curiosity from the other patrons, they seek to capture him.

The party accidentally killed the dwarf. I offered a single heal check to stabilize him but a natural 1 saw to his death. The players panicked and discussed what to do with the body, as he would soon be found the the party would be held responsible for murder. The druid asked me if he could cast Meld into Stone on an inanimate object (the corpse). I allowed it, knowing what he would do. The druid cast the spell and the body disappeared into the floor, followed shortly by a loud crash. The look I got from the players was priceless.

[FallenFallcrest]

(4e) I had a player who played a Razorclaw Shifter Ranger, and was quite clever, even though his character was mildly insane. He always managed his way out of a situation, especially when it was not realistic (he once convinced a politician to give him half of the city's entire army directly under his command). The party consisted of him, a Dragonborn Paladin, a Minotaur with a fancy hybrid class, and a Shardmind Psion.

My favorite part of that adventure was the group's very first. They had reached the hideout of a necromancer that had ambushed their carriage and stolen something of theirs (long story), but of course he was not going to just fight him like a man, that would be foolish. No. He came up with a plan. (Only he and the Shardmind were there at the time, long story)

First off, he peaked into the room stealthily, and saw their stuff in the far corner of the room, as well as several Giant Zombies and the Necromancer. His first idea was to use the Psion to tip a brazier of elemental fire which was outside the room over into the room. In order to protect their stuff, he knocked off the head of the Psion (Shardmind, it works. It also hurts.) and throw it across the room. The Shardmind was able to draw back it's body crystals and surround the stuff. He barred the door and waited. The battle didn't end however but that requires a bit more explanation.

A young Dragon living in the same cave system as the Necromancer lent the party Kobold minions to help deal with the problem. They made it pretty far, until one room where they all started mysteriously dying. In reality, a doppelganger rogue was murdering them and taking their places each turn and the two heroes were not perceptive enough to notice this happening multiple times. Nor did they care enough to count the bodies when there was only one "Kobold" left. (Although they had a bunch of great theories as to what could have done it) They got some treasure in that room, including a chalice, which they placed on the Kobold's head, rechristening him "Cuphead, Kobold Warlock".

Later, when the Shifter waited for the Necromancer to die, he was acting very smug and joking around with the others. Then I told him he felt a sharp pain shoot up his back, causing him to fall over. He had been poisoned, by Cuphead. The door was opened and the necromancer, still on fire, ran out. The Shifter feigned death until the poison wore off, then took both of them down in an elaborate series of events. It was amazing.

[Dire Moose]

Last night's game had the PCs entering an old fortress to rescue children kidnapped by a necromancer who had created some rather unusual types of undead (notably, intelligent ones that retained their class abilities).

That said, the PCs were quite surprised to find themselves facing a pair of zombie bears wielding halberds and shooting laser beams out of their eyes.

[Dimers]

The PCs were quite surprised to find themselves facing a pair of zombie bears wielding halberds and shooting laser beams out of their eyes.

As would I, Dire Moose. As would I. :smalleek:

[CapnOfCapns]

So I'm playing in a campaign which I have better, and longer stories for later, but I felt like sharing something real quick.

At the moment I'm on my third character, an Arcane Pyrotechnician http://www.dandwiki.com/wiki/Arcane_Pyrotechnician_(3.5e_Class) who I RP as Deadpool, but who is actually more of the Joker without a Batman and no use for money. The players have been split into 3 groups because there are so many of us, and one of my group was missing due to a rescheduling. So it's just me and another guy, who is playing a Teifling fire/ice sorcerer who through a long and weird series of events has had his demonic blood awakened and is also a vampire. I dunno, our games get weird.

Anywhays, we've been tasked with "securing" the armory of the civil-war torn capitol by an NPC. He and I both have invisbility, and the DM I think BSes the NPC to also have it just so we're not bogged down trying to move past the guards. We sneak in, see all the guards gathered up for a rousing speech by the second in command of this particular faction, and see a side hallway. I should put in I've been blinded permanently, so until I get it fixed I'm taking a hands-off approach to things and letting him have turns until I want to do something. He decides for whatever reason to cast ghost sound in the middle of the crowd, saying "Your mom's a whore."

He rolls a 1.

Our DM is very loose with his rules, and part of that is that we have unlimited spells per day, but we have to roll for all of them and do not get basic modifiers on them only what we accumulate. Also, for the most part when we fail a spell we still cast it, but something horrible happens. Like in this case.

So he rolls a 1 on ghost sound, attempting to whisper "Your mom's a whore," in the middle of this crowd listening to a speech. Instead, the "ghoat sound" screeches "YOUR MOM'S A WHORE!!!" The speech-giver stops, points at the man closest to the sound, and her war-forged wraith body-guards shadowstep next to him, tearing him to pieces instantly. Other player starts again and I beg him to just quit while we're in one piece, and he agrees.

Turning to the hallway to the side he sees there are two guards, and since our DM rolled a nat 20 on the NPC's search check the second guard, farther down the hallway, has incredibly shiny armor. Armor so shiny that we can actually see some of the room beside him from it. I joke about how he must have a harsh mother who figured out how to construct a water hose in a world without water pressure just to blast him with the hose. (hose with chalice of never-ending water, methinks) The guard closest to us walks off, leaving us just the shiny guy in our way. I have the brilliant idea to have other player cast mage hand and wipe some ashes from my pipe on the guard's armor so he'll go clean it. I guess I shouldn't have been sly with him about the plan, because it took him awhile to understand what I meant and then he failed his roll to cast, so I cast unseen servant instead to get the deed done.

The last time I cast unseen servant I rolled a 7, so the DM ruled that while I had cast unseen servant, that one for some reason made noise. And was retarded. (Those poor guards had no idea what was happening, apparently a retarded lump of C4 was retard screaming at them right before it exploded.) This time I rolled a 10, but the other player asked if he was also retarded and my DM ruled that yes, he was also retarded. I rubbed my ashes all over him and told him to go give that guard a hug, cackling all the while. The unseen servant hit the guard as fast as it could, denting the guard's armor and covering him in soot. He sprang up, looking around for attackers and noticing his armor. He immediately ran into what turned out to be a kitchen to wash up.

We follow him in, and I sit on the table being blind and stuff while other player dominates the guard and the npc goes and one-shots a warforged wraith who was playing with an apple. This leaves us with just the cook, so I drop my invisibility while sitting on a table and start tapping my fingers. The chef eventually hears my tapping over his happy-go-lucky singing and turns around, blanching at the unexpected sight of armed men. We begin pressing him for details about where we can get a key to let us down into the basement, but he doesn't want to talk.

I try to use my high charisma to appeal to him, saying "Those people out there go out and kill people in the streets. That's not right, is it?"

*Swedish accent* "We did it in my homeland."
"You... You killed people in the street?"
"Yes. They're delicious."
"You eat people."
"When I can catch them. Yes."
"Uh. Wow. So this is how we depict foreigners in our games, I'm sure [afk player from the Netherlands] will be thrilled."

I end up deciding to try and bribe him. Since I'm blind I roll a d4 to see what kind of coin I will pull out to offer him. 1= copper 4= plat. I roll a 4. He's thrilled, and answers our questions. I roll another 4, he's even more thrilled and answers more questions. Up until now he's insisted there are only 2 keys, but I ask him a question quickly and he holds up a key, proudly stating that he has one and he uses it to get down into the basement for food. Other player quickly pulls out yet another plat piece to attempt to buy it, but I signal to the npc (who is basically an assassin) to come and talk to me.

*looking at me with disgust since I snapped my fingers for him (NOT THAT I KNOW SINCE I'M BLIND)* "Yyyyyyess?"
"He has the key. Go get it.... *duh tone of voice*"

He immediately walks over and beheads the chef, taking the key from his twitching fingers. The other player goes into hysterics, saying he was actually going to pay the guy. I calmly reply "And? Now we have the key and I have my money. Pfft, like I was going to pay him *deranged laugh*"

Right at that moment our third player joins, leaving us all giggling as we try and explain how our DM has portrayed his first foreigner npc.

*********************************
We've been playing this campaign for awhile, and the first two months are (for my character) one long and hilarious story. Even with me breaking it into sections, each of those sections would be longer than this by a lot. Is that ok? I feel like this is an ok size post, but I'm confident those other stories will be much longer and I don't want to put anyone off this thread.

[Myrc88]

Hello again, this is a new story, one I find hilarious, ill leave that up to you guys though.

Our story begins in a game of 3.5e, I am playing a paladin of heironeous, and my brother is playing a half vampire scout/soulknife. Our party has attacked a bandit camp, and I have been grappled by an enemy bandit. This is where I broke the dm's plot. I had earlier killed an ogre and looted demon blood off the corpse. Using a racial ability to cause blindness in an area, I get the guy holding me to loosen his grip, so I then chuck the demon blood into his mouth. I shouldn't have done that, the bandit was replaced by a vrock, which then killed me as I prayed to heironeous to take my life in order to kill the beast. My brother tries to get my body, but is knocked into the negatives. There is a thing supposed to happen next session, I cant wait to find out what it is.

By the way, our party is level three, I'm only level 2.
PS. the DM wasn't trying to kill us, that blood was a plot point, oops. I screwed up royally.

[Straybow]

DM: "Heh. Well, I guess you find…*roll* 13 gold worth of copper ore in its gizzard alongside the rest of the digestive stones." hmmm, 13 gp = 1300 cp = 26 lb = maybe 260 lb copper ore. You have to be really hard up to lug that around as "treasure."

Sorry, can't help it. I find the distorted monetary systems of these games endlessly entertaining.

[ironsnake345]

So, here we are again, with more stories from my group. While we were fighting zombies as they poured out of the graveyard, We got a little bit scattered, and Osric and Leverus made their way into the old graveyard nestled within the new graveyard.
They both got turned into Zombies, and were re-killed by the party. After that happened, the rest of the party, (including Dinten/Landragosa, who was possessed by Luke, the odd boy who followed us. Don't ask.) with new bits of insanity, went into the crypt of the family who founded the town. I knew that we were gonna die. Miraculously, even after fighting a reaaaally powerful zombie who can (and did) reach out and stop Brocc's heart, not only did we all survive, (Brocc's heart magically restarted after the encounter ended and the sun rose early for some odd reason. We noticed the moon had vanished...) we had all completely regained our sanity and saved the town. (we think. There was a good week of peace while we stayed in the town before moving on.) Now, stories!

So, we're fighting the lord of the undead and his goons, and Dinten is batting a thousand. First, he rolls a nat 1 on a con save for the odd smell that's permeating the area. Then he proceeds to roll a nat 1 on a second con save to determine its effect. Then he proceeds to roll two more nat 1's throughout combat, dropping him. Then he nat 1's his death save, netting him 2 skulls instantly! Dinten is now on the ground, requiring three successful death saves IN A ROW, or he's dead. Or, he could nat 20 and be up instantly. That's exactly what happened. Dinten crits his death save and gets up with 1 hit point, then proceeds to critical hit his way through the undead hordes, who can't seem to lay a single one of their numerous rotted fists on him. Congratulations, Dinten. You have just, after being a damn-near burden to our party, carried it through our hardest battle yet. Too bad Leverus and Osric still died...

"Tell me, have you ever died?" "...Nooooo?" "Well, I have. Twice. And I can honestly say, I have never been happier to be alive."
Also,
"I'm familiar with that ritual of raising the dead. In fact, it was cast on my corpse once.
As you can tell, it went quite well."

So we left for the next city, after acquiring an expensive pearl and using it to identify all our new magic swag, and we met on the road a family of those mist-traveling people. Their wagon has a broken wheel, and they can't lift it up long enough to replace it. We help them out, and the woman in their matriarchal group offers us a service. Hearing what planet and region we are from, she offers to give us a ride through the mist back home, but mentions that doing so is not an exact science. Brocc: "Neither is magic." Anyway, we take a ride on (not in, the men don't trust us enough for that) their wagon, we get attacked by the mist, and the woman tells us to hold on tight. We do so, and by the time the mist disappears, we are in the middle of...
A desert.
Not an exact science indeed! We head for the nearest town, and get about as warm a welcome as we did in the last. Our party is passing out from the heat, and we take some time to bring ourselves back to health in the town's oasis. A little orphaned kid named Abu is very happy to see us, and is quite interested in our weapons. He seems to want to be an adventurer...
Also, Osric and Fay's new characters were at the desert too. An old friend who helped get Brocc and Osric's bodies to the priest, a man named Marquez I think, whose class is cleric, and a rather childish, scatterbrained man named Ashir, who loves prestidigation. Not sure what Ashir's class is, but it involves both stabbing AND magic. My current theory is warlock. By the way, this IS 5'th ed we're playing.

Brocc: "Ah, I hear you're the fine fellow who helped get my body to the priest!" Marquez: "Indeed. It's nice to see you again, and less dead!" Brocc: "Oh, believe me, I'm still dying. That makes twice now."
After about a minute of conversation...
Brocc: "Magic AND stabbing? What an intriguing combination!" Ashir: "I can say they're both very fun! The magic is very deep, and flesh can go even deeper!" Brocc: "...I thoroughly enjoyed HALF of that sentence." Ashir: "Trust me, you'll learn to enjoy both halves!"

"Brocc sure is proud about dying twice!" "I'm more proud about coming back from it!" "He's getting pretty morbid, talking about it so much." "Morbid gnome. Now THERE'S band name.

Abu was introducing himself to the party, when he noticed Brocc. Abu: "Say, I'm actually kind of taller than you!" Brocc: "That's 'cause I'm a gnome." Abu: What's a gnome?" (Brocc fails to explain what a gnome is very well) Later, Abu whispers to Ashir: "Can you catch gnome?"

Abu brought us some desert-appropriate clothes, because we were new there. Brocc enthusiastically takes one, and then casts minor illusion. The illusion? A five-foot cube centered on himself, with the words "no peeking" printed on the sides. Abu: "Amazing! You wizards are incredible, able to conjure things like this out of thin air!" Brocc: "It's not real, it's just an illusion. I like privacy when I change!"

Also, the freaky scroll which caused the apocalypse? it got ripped up, but ended up fixing itself. We put what we could find in the scroll tube and left it "behind the stone where the six stars shine" but after the session we learned that, apparently, Brocc found it in his robes while he was changing inside of that cube. Well, looks like I've got something to explain how much I can't believe I forgot to mention to the party. See you all next week!

Also, I usually post on friday or something, because D&D usually is fridays in our group, but because of the weird school schedule this week and the fact that this is the school D&D group, we played today. Four day weekend, Y'all.

[Odin's Eyepatch]

In our games, we try and play seriously. However, this often ends when a little detail, a passing comment is said, and suddenly reality breaks down as it spirals out of control and we find ourselves with something completely hilarious.

One such time happened with the birth of the Safety Crew.

We were playing one of those "The Worm that Walks" Campaigns, and eventually found ourselves versus a scion of Kyuss. Our dwarf fighter, being somewhat lacking in contingency plans, promptly gets grabbed and swallowed, ending up in the stomach without even the smallest dagger to hack himself out with. The rest of us had no other means of getting him out either, and it was already challenging trying to simply survive against the scion, let alone device a daring rescue plan.

So during his turn, the dwarf, unable to do anything to help the fight, and in a desperate attempt to escape the stomach acid eating away at his flesh, declares that he takes out his tent, and tries to stay afloat on it, out of the pool of acid. The DM lets him, and jokingly says:

"You see some skeletons in the pool. They're saying 'come in! Join the party! It's completely safe!'"

...

And so it began...

By the end of the fight, when the Scion regurgitated its stomach onto us, the dwarf had proposed a margarita, had learned the name of the 4 skeletons, called Bob, Dave, Larry, and Tom, who were all ready for partying, but safely. And no harm would come to him if he jumped into the acid. And Safety is important and partying too. As long as he did not compromise Safety, it was fine.

The skeletons were soon all wearing yellow high-vis jackets, and construction site helmets.

When the Scion was finally dead, the Safety Crew had immediately placed 4 traffic cones around the corpse, declaring it 'unsafe', with general calls of "Danger, keep away". The subsequent discovery of a cursed dagger was also immediately contained with 4 traffic cones surrounding the small weapon on the ground. In the end, the only way to distract them was by starting to sing the "Safety Dance" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjPau5QYtYs), at which they dropped their traffic cones, rushed up to the singer, and started dancing as well.


That was a couple of months ago.


Now they are the police force of our village, capable of instantly moving up to an area of 'danger', placing more traffic cones then you can shake a stick at, and keep the other npcs away from the 'Danger Zone', all in a couple of seconds. A simple whistle of the "safety dance", and they will be there.


It has come evident that these 4 skeletons, if they were to become PCs, would instantly put us out of business, because they are so efficient at dealing with problems. It has also been joked that they could stop an army of undead simply by placing a line of traffic cones.


They are hilarious, and we love them. They are always there when we need them. Sometime I think “WHYYY?” as I remember the sheer stupidity that happened that day, but I've gotten used to that now.

Oh, and the Dwarf Fighter has now taken his precautions, in the form of an "acid immune tent", just in case he gets swallowed again.

[oball]

So our party (lvl 14, ifrit oracle (me), human fighter/duellist/rogue and elf ranger) had just fought and killed a sorceress as part of a scheme to aid a coup against the City of Brass. Said sorceress was responsible for the magical defences of the city, so over several sessions we made our way to her chamber, through a series of demiplanes she had set up. In one plane we killed her cloud giant servant, and rescued a (lower level) halfling bard he had held captive and forced to perform for him. She was roleplayed by the DM as incredibly grateful, fawning and eager to help in any way she could, so naturally we all hated her (the annoying voice he put on did not help). Anyway, after defeating a brass dragon construct and evading some traps we found the way into the inner sanctum, where a fierce battle ensued. The fighter was Dominated into attacking us, I was temporarily rendered insane (a moment of lucidity allowed me to Heal myself), the bard was dropped to zero HP by a summoned hellhound and wisely decided to play dead, and a Cloudkill nearly did for the ranger, but we managed to do enough damage to kill both the sorceress's efreet form, and then the extradimensional spider-thing that crawled out of it.

The assassination over, we got down to the real business of looting her stuff (meanwhile, the halfling, ignored by us, was drinking potions and casting CLW on herself). One side of the room contained three free-standing mirrors, which upon closer examination turned out to be portals - two facing us and one turned away, with "DO NOT TOUCH" written on the back of the frame. While the fighter and ranger were investigating the dessicated corpse of an azata on the other side of the room, I checked out the portals. Having closely examined two, I casually said "OK, now I'll walk round the other side of the black one and take a look at the front."

The DM visibly blanched. "How many hit points do you have?"

"About 90 right now, why?"

(to the others) "Guys, where exactly are you standing on the map? Are you more than 60ft away from Azadan?" The ranger was, the fighter wasn't.

Me: "Uh, what have I done?"

"Uh, OK, well, as you walk around the other side of the black portal and look at it, you see dark, evil looking runes carved on it. As soon as your eyes lock on them, they seem to twist and writhe and a blast of negative energy shoots out. Make a Fort save." I had triggered a Symbol of Death. Bugger.

I rolled my save. Nowhere near enough, the DC was far too high. But wait!

"I cast Spell Resistance on myself off a scroll before the fight, remember, don't you need to make a caster level check?"

The DM agreed, and rolled... a one. I breathed a sigh of relief as the evil energy scythed across the room towards the fighter (low on HP from the fight, 150 would be easily enough to kill him outright). He grimaced and prepared to roll the Fort save that determined whether or not he'd be tearing up his character sheet...

"WAIT!" I yelled, "What about Zabitha? That irritating bard? Where is she?"

The DM looked even more stricken than before. "She's right on the floor... where... you... left... her..."

The power of the Symbol of Death ripped into poor Zabitha as she lay on the floor, still recovering from the brutal fight. Dark energies sapped her life force as the DM tearfully described how his beloved DMPC shrivelled up into a blackened, lifeless husk.

Meanwhile I was laughing so hard I had tears of my own streaming down my face.

The 40-odd HP taken off the spell by poor old Zabitha was enough to save Britvah, our fighter - he whiffed his save but the Determination effect on his armour kicked in, and he was close enough to -CON that the Breath of Life got him back on his feet. Meanwhile, I stashed the ex-bard in my Handy Haversack. Never know when one of those will come in handy...

[just_a_beard]

Hi, this is my first time posting so forgive me if I mess something up. I just had a few stories that I figure should be shared. They are a bit long so have a little freever time before reading.Story One
So we were playing Horde of the Dragon queen, the party was a half elf fighter(me), a halfling bard, a tiefling warlock, and a dwarf cleric. It all was going smoothly until we ran into an ambush drake and some cultists while going down a creekbed. The warlock cast thaumaturgy across the creekbed from us to make it appear as though an archer was firing at them while I shot one of the cultists, it hit him in the gut, putting him negative. With his buddy bleeding out the other cultist frantically searched for the shooter, hearing a crossbow reload up the bank, he started after it. While the rest of the party closed in on the drake, I took out the other cultist. Now in the drakes seeing range, it came at my friends. I took another shot with my crossbow and hit with a critical, partially blinding it. The cleric smashed it with his hammer, and the bard and warlock both missed. I took another crossbow shot and hit it with another critical, the bolt pierced it's neck, spraying blood as the drake flailed in its death throes. I decided to skin it and wear it's hide as a cloak, my cleric buddy wanted to eat it's heart to gain it's power, so I cut it out and gave it to him. He passed a fort save and gained poison resistance and, in accordance with a random effect dice roll, basilisk powers. Shortly after this we were accosted by an ancient blue dragon, since it wasn't aware of clerics basilisk powers, the moment it saw him and he saw it it froze into solid stone, plummeting to the ground and shattering. The entire table just sat there slack-jaded until the cleric player jumped up and yelled "WHOOOO $#*! YEAH!!!" After this happened the DM just threw up his hands and said "All right, I give up. You guys just win D&D."

Story Two
In the same HotDQ adventure as above we had just saved a small city from raiders and dragon cultists and captured a cultist to interrogate. After several failed persuasion and intimidation checks we were getting frustrated, until I cam up with a brilliant idea.
Me OOC and IC: Hey <warlock> cast mage hand and have it hold a dagger above his head like a nail ready to be pounded, if he doesn't tell us what we want to know I'll split him in half.
DM as terrified cultist:I'll tell you whatever you want to know!
Me: That's more like it.
After we get all useful info out of him I slam the flat of my blade into the dagger and drive it deep into his skull.
*Group gives me a sideways look*
Me:What? We all knew he was dead anyway.
So we go to the towns governor and I am about to tell him what we discovered when the bard tells me to wait.
Bard: We should ask him for a reward for the information.
Me:All right, how much?
Bard: 100 gold.
Me:WHAT?! Why so much?
Bard: To find out if he's working with the cultists.
Me: How does that tell us if he's working with the cultists?
Bard: Well if he's willing to pay such an outrageous amount he must want to find out how much we know and if we're going to be a threat.
Me:I'm not 100% with you but all right...
Bard to the governor: We managed to get some information out of the prisoner before he...expired.
Gov: Excellent! What have you learned?
Bard: Well it just so happens our memory is a little fuzzy, but I heard gold clears that right up.
Gov: *Angrily* Why you...how dare you try to extort this town! Tell me what you know or I'll have you thrown in jail.
Bard: Well we know that some cultists attacked your town, we can't remember if we know of anything else.
Gov: Fine, how much do you want?
Bard: 100 gold.
Gov: That's outraegeous! How do you expect me to pay that? Our entire town just got looted.
Bard:You collect taxes from the town year-round, right?
Gov:Yes...
Bard: and you keep these taxes tucked safely away for your personal use, right?
Gov:Yes...
Bard: I figured as much from your outfit, now, you can either pay us what we want, or you'll never know what we may or may not have found out.
Gov*Thinks for a moment* Fine, take your money and tell me what you know.*Gives 100 gold.
Bard: They were a group of bandits and dragon cultists getting as much loot as possible for there dragon master.
Gov: We already knew that!
Bard:Not our problem.
Gov:You arrogant little...Guards, attack!
Now at this point it needs to be said that I was ready for this, so while the bard and gov were talking I passed a note to the DM saying I was preparing for a fight, as such he agreed to give me a surprise round if there was a fight.
During this surprise round I swung at the gov with my greatsword and got a crit. With what the DM described as " a one-in-million incredibly lucky blow" I lopped off the gov's ( a level 5) head.
In partial shock, I then announced" No one else make a move, unless you want to end up like your governor here." To which the people all start cheering. Utterly perplexed, we ask why they are all cheering. A commoner responds "He's been over taxing us for years now, but none of us were brave enough to do anything about it."
So as the group is preparing to leave town, the same commoner comes up to us and asks if we'd protect and run the town in exchange for them paying us the formers governors tax, reduced slightly.
We agreed (it worked out to like 300 gold a month each.) And that's how we became the mayors of a little village up the coast.

Story Three
So in a one-time adventure with the same group, this time consisting of a Dragonborn Sorcerer (me), a dwarf fighter, a half-orc druid, and an elf ranger. We were investigating why a small city was being repeatedly attacked by well organized goblins, and as we were clearing out their caves we got knocked unconcious. When we awoke we were locked in a bone-cage with no weapons. So I come up with the brilliant plan to cast Thaumaturgy to cause a minor tremor, the fire the goblins crowded around grow large and flicker different colors, and have my voice amplified and come from.everywhere to make it seem as though the goblin god (can't remember his name) was telling them to set us free.
DM:Make a knowledge:religion check.
Me: *Roll*...2
DM: You can't recall the name of the goblin god.
Me:Bluff! *Roll, Natural 20* Boo-yah!
DM:Alright what do you tell them?
Me: Uhh..I am your lord the Goblin God, and I demand you release these prisoners and return their weapons, for they are my emissaries!
DM: The goblins all wet themselves and scatter, but not before unlocking the cage.
Ranger: Well that could have gone worse.

[kettch631]

So this happened years ago. I was part of a large RPGA gaming group. So we would often play with different people from the group every week, and different characters. We are doing a forgotten realms mod, all of us at the table were playing brand new characters. This was back in 2nd ed, I was play a fighter/thief. My hook was that I ran around dressed up like a mage, but I was specialized with quarterstaff. I spent the whole adventure acting like a mage, the sad the is there was no thief actions for me to do at the time. We get to the first fight, and I am at the back of the party. The bad guys thief sneaks up and attacks me thinking I am the weakest of us all, i promptly turned around and killed him in one round. Our gm got so mad, he like everyone else fell for me acting like a mage and thought he was taking out the party caster quick so the fight would be even.

After that game the gm always asked to see character sheets before he would run an adventure. Not my fault he fell for my act like everyone else haha

[ironsnake345]

Once again, a delay of several weeks before another post of my adventures. Starting to notice a pattern here... Anyway, all you need to know for story is half the people of the desert town we got to in my last post are very unhappy with us being here, there's a high priestess who seems to be hiding something, who lives in the town's temple, this place is the Ravenolft equivalent of Egypt, an old pharoh went crazy and tried to become immortal ending up being a mummy who could kill with his touch and then turn the resulting corpses into mummy minions who can dig through sand like ****ing crazy, and the apocalypse scroll is totes cursed and it is physically impossible for Brocc to get rid of it, not even by walking ten minutes out into the desert and hurling it as far as he can. Also, we can't leave because there's a wall of hyper-intense heat surrounding a large patch of desert, which is sure to kill anything dumb enough to walk through it. Storytime! (Also, it turns out Marquez's name is actually Marcellus, and Jason's name is actually James. Somehow, he isn't dead yet.)

This one was entirely OOC. It's almost James's turn, and the DM says, "It's James'ses turn!" This prompts a long discussion between Cutter and the DM. Cutter: "James's? Really?" DM: "Well, I'm just trying to be funny. And besides, I was kind of thinking about this waitress who worked at a restaurant I ate at over spring break. She kept on saying "Can I take your guys'ses order?" I swear, she kept on adding more s'es, and by the end of our meal, she was saying "guys'ses'ses." So, yeah. It's James'es turn." Cutter: How about it's Jame turn?"
Cue the entire group laughing at that.
DM: "Ha ha, I just imagine people going around being like, "Hey my name is Davi" or "I'm Jackso" or "Emil" or something! Yeah, alright, it's Jame turn." Then the combat continues like normal.

There's been a trend going on in our group, where if we make an attack which hits an AC which is definitely higher than the creature's AC (like a creature who was hit by an AC 15 attack, now getting an AC 23 attack), we just say "I hit AC... Hit." This was funny at first, but eventually it became common practice. "hits AC... hit." "that's a hit" It's a good thing our group is trustworthy enough that our DM takes our word for it. I'm kind of a lawful good rules lawyer myself.

"Your arrow, in Legolas-like fashion, sails through the air and hits the sand underneath Ashir, who is being pulled under by some zombie hands. It thunks into the sand, and the zombie arms spring up, flail a bit, and sink back under the sand, like "Yeah. I knew exactly where its head was."

"I cast shocking grasp!" *roll* *roll* "You shock the unlife out of it."

That last spoiler involves us being attacked by minions of the undead big bad mummy pharoh, who happens to be on a distant dune commanding his minions to attack us. We all have to make horror saves, and me and James fail miserably. We go insane. James seems to be hallucinating a giant yellow glowy pirate guy suggesting he systematically murder and rob the rest of the party, while The DM gives me a note but says not to read it quite yet. DM: "Clear your mind for a moment... Now quickly, read the note!" Note: "Write down the first person, place, or thing that you think of." Me: *stares off into space for a moment, then writes down table. passes the note back to the DM* DM: "Oh... Hmm..." *spends five minutes thinking, then writes down something on the note and returns it.* Me: *reads the note, it says Dulcime's (I'll explain who she is in the next spoiler) card table.* DM: "You now have to keep yourself and THAT as close as possible." Me: *proceeds to blast my way out of some mummies, expeditious retreat my way to the card table, then run for cover hauling it along. Just being there, hearing the DM Describe how Brocc rushes by at incredible speeds, mummies clawing at him the entire way, and just randomly picks up Dulcime's card table and sprint for cover was hilarious.*

So, aforementioned half of the population of this new town have now formed an angry mob to try and get us out. We can't go anywhere- the desert heat is unbearable and nighttime is when the mummy/zombie minions swarm. They don't speak common, but apparently they think that Jame boot is enough to prove that we're the reason people are disappearing at night. We get chased off, and hide out in the town until night time. Afterwards, we go to the only common-speaking man in the town (aside from the priestess, who is hiding something) and the entire party except for Brocc, who is absolutely refusing to do this, goes to ask this man (who also acts as a guide through the desert, and used to be a high priest but got kicked out of the temple for drinking) to lead us through the desert to the temple of the evil pharoh who is swarming the place with mummy/zombie minions. He immediately does a spit-take and leaves Dinten with a face full of alcohol. after ten minutes of arguing, we eventually decide not to go because the guide is even more stubborn in answering "no" than brocc is, and he's drunk anyway. (his argument is that he's drunk and that night is when all the death happens) Brocc continues to try and argue not to stay in the town, but everyone except him agrees to go sleep in Dulcime's (Woman of the gypsy family who brought us here, currently deceased, along with the rest of her family. Damn mummy/zombies) gypsy wagon, which is outside of town, where we have been attacked by increasing numbers of zombie/mummies every night. Seriously, what was everyone else thinking? Eventually, Dinten just starts ignoring Brocc. Brocc: "Oh come on! what are you thinking?!? we need to stay in town, where it's safe!" (dinten ignores brocc) (Brocc facepalms) Guest who arrived to watch the school D&D group play: (taps me, which I am Brocc's player, on the shoulder) Me: "What do you want?!?" (He didn't mind because I was still kind of in character, and my character was incredibly exasperated at the moment) Guest: (points to the design on his tea mug, depicting an incredibly happy and cheerful background filled with rainbows and flowers, behind text in brightly-colored balloony letters saying "GO TO HELL") Me" (Facepalms even harder) "Fine, I guess I'll go with you guys to the wagon. Frankly, we're even more dead if we don't stick together than we are staying out there the night." Dinten's player: "I'm still ignoring you" Me: "But I'm agreeing with you!!!" Dinten's player: "I don't care." Me: (facepalms even HARDER) That's when I noticed, even for how hard a facepalm that was, it hurt an awful lot more than it should have. Then I remembered I was wearing glasses. "YOU JUST MADE ME FACEPALM SO HARD I ALMOST BROKE MY GLASSES!!!"

So, immediately after the last note, we set up watch. Serynden spots a figure off on the dunes and as I hear the DM explain the situation, I immediately begin praying the same phrase over and over again: "not him, not him, not him..." DM: "The figure slowly approaches you on the dunes..." Me: "Not him, not him, not him!" DM: "The figure is wearing a strange, tattered, colorful robe." "Me: Not him! Not him! Not him!" DM: "An odd smell trails on the wind towards you, eminating from the figure" Me: "NOT HIM, NOT HIM, NOT HIM!!!" DM: It's Dulcime... Except she has an arrow in her head." (everyone gives Dinten a sideways glance.)

That's all for now. See you later!

[Solamnicknight]

I have one from my newly started Dragonlance campaign.
My character (there are only four of us)NG Kapak sorcerer that will probably muticlass into bard. A CN human warlock whose patron is his chaos tainted Solamnic ancestor A hippie/magical Native American centaur druid, and an Elf oracle based on the underground elf society from Riverwind The Plainsman
So, the party has entered a dungeon under the ruins of the Academy of High Sorcery, tasked with retrieving a book that contains info that a local sorcerer believes will help the sorcerers gain an edge in an impending war with the Wizards Conclave. So they get to this massive cavern and thanks to an impressive interrogation of a hobgoblin know a hill giant lives there. Then they notice two wriggling burlap sacks uncomfortably close to a large fire pit. Hearing the giant rummaging for his knives and the muffled cries from the sacks, the oracle comes up with a brilliant rescue plan. He has my Kapak hang back and cast an image of a face in the giants fire Wizard of Oz style. Then the weird elf in strange robes wearing tinted goggles (his race lives underground and is sensitive to light) steps forward and starts yelling "GIANT HAND OVER THE PRISONERS OR FACE THE WRATH OF SIRRION! YOU HAVE DEFIED THE FIRELORD'S DOGMA!" Illusion in the fire angrily glares at the giant. "THE FLESH MUST BE PROPERLY COOKED BEFORE BEING EATEN!" "I MUST TAKE WHOEVER IS IN THE SACKS TO BE PROPERLY SACRIFICED IN THE CLEANSING FLAME OF THE FIRELORD!" bluff check because Sirrion's (the Dragonlance god of fire) dogma is NOTHING like this. He bests the giant easily being that its a hill giant and they're dumb as rocks. My kapak keeps the illusion staring at the giant while the sacks are grabbed by the centaur and warlock characters. And that's how my dragonlance party bested a giant with cleverness and rescued a Solamnic knight and black robe wizard we encountered earlier. Mind you I was expecting them to beat the snot out of the giant! Needless to say I am proud of my players.:smallsmile:

[Waldmarschallin]

Well, my most recent funny moment was having my druid's animal companion grapple a dragon, then casting stone shape to open the floor about 6 feet under his hindquarters- enough to get the hips in the new pit, and then casting another stone shape to enclose the stone above his hips while my snake buddy bailed. Then cast spike growth for good measure to make getting out that much more difficult- it may not have gotten through his dr but I made sure to have them point downwards so his pushing up would augment their effect and at the very least create more friction. This was like the 4th straight quest I was able to resolve without killing anybody.

A much more intense one concerns the gnome temple raider of Olidamharra known as Kehle Shabby Weasel-Garden the Jolly Regina Who is Frequently Unearthed. Heeeee... Wore rakish studded leather (studded with weasel teeth), a stolen, inside-out bishop's mitre over a flowery bonnet, and an oversized bandolier for his many, many grenade weapons. Eventually his weapons of choice were two nagaikas from MotW- just like whips but do 1d6 damage and can do lethal, but they had to be smaller- one small sized, and the other even smaller for offhand. As a gnome he couldn't carry his alchemist's lab/grenade making box with him so he had a small red wagon to pull it. As for his behavior...

Well, he had arrangements with both the church of Olidhamarra and the Gnomish Museum, his particular objective was to record (for anthropology!) the reactions of different sects to temple raiding, but he had reasons for joining an adventuring party too. Namely that he had been in a group marriage that had ended badly, and he had been told by a fake fortune teller that someone in the party was one of his long-lost spouses in disguise. (To keep this going I made sure to put NO points in sense motive), and he was desperate to begin winning his family back in the only way he knew- acting as wackily as I could conceive of (sleeping taped to the ceiling, spending lots of time in the lab with strange noises...) without injuring the plot, and by rolling a d4 every session to determine which of the other 4 players he took to be one of his spouses that given day, and dramatically flatter them and ask what he had to do to regain their love. (As he thought they were disguised, I would have him reverse the gender of the character- i.e. if it was a man he would think it was one of his ex-wives in disguise and if they played a woman he would think she was one of his husbands). He would then give them a free grenade of their choice with kisses, and at low levels alchemical stuff can kind of matter. Then we got an alchemist's fire spout, and he became even more important.

As a Rogue-Ranger-Temple Raider, he was weirdly diverse, but it helped that I had rolled the best ability gen of my life. With his 15 foot reach trip attacks, the next feat to take would have been Combat reflexes, though being small and wielding small weapons wasn't the best idea for that. However, due to gnomish con scores and some bad luck on other party members, he had by far the most hp of anyone in the group while being no slouch in melee- nothing longer range than a thunderstone, which meant he was usually the party blocker as well as being the trap monkey. As a Temple Raider he had the ability to prep as much healing as the party druid ever chose to, and if he had hit lvl 11 before the campaign ended, he would have gotten access to Chaos Hammer, allowing the party rogue to be also the tank, secondary healer, and provide magical artillery. My best jack-of-all-trades build ever.

The best bit of the funny was that it could have been turned off whenever the GM wanted to merely by having one of his ex-spouses actually turn up

[Waldmarschallin]

I have one from my newly started Dragonlance campaign.
My character (there are only four of us)NG Kapak sorcerer that will probably muticlass into bard. A CN human warlock whose patron is his chaos tainted Solamnic ancestor A hippie/magical Native American centaur druid, and an Elf oracle based on the underground elf society from Riverwind The Plainsman
So, the party has entered a dungeon under the ruins of the Academy of High Sorcery, tasked with retrieving a book that contains info that a local sorcerer believes will help the sorcerers gain an edge in an impending war with the Wizards Conclave. So they get to this massive cavern and thanks to an impressive interrogation of a hobgoblin know a hill giant lives there. Then they notice two wriggling burlap sacks uncomfortably close to a large fire pit. Hearing the giant rummaging for his knives and the muffled cries from the sacks, the oracle comes up with a brilliant rescue plan. He has my Kapak hang back and cast an image of a face in the giants fire Wizard of Oz style. Then the weird elf in strange robes wearing tinted goggles (his race lives underground and is sensitive to light) steps forward and starts yelling "GIANT HAND OVER THE PRISONERS OR FACE THE WRATH OF SIRRION! YOU HAVE DEFIED THE FIRELORD'S DOGMA!" Illusion in the fire angrily glares at the giant. "THE FLESH MUST BE PROPERLY COOKED BEFORE BEING EATEN!" "I MUST TAKE WHOEVER IS IN THE SACKS TO BE PROPERLY SACRIFICED IN THE CLEANSING FLAME OF THE FIRELORD!" bluff check because Sirrion's (the Dragonlance god of fire) dogma is NOTHING like this. He bests the giant easily being that its a hill giant and they're dumb as rocks. My kapak keeps the illusion staring at the giant while the sacks are grabbed by the centaur and warlock characters. And that's how my dragonlance party bested a giant with cleverness and rescued a Solamnic knight and black robe wizard we encountered earlier. Mind you I was expecting them to beat the snot out of the giant! Needless to say I am proud of my players.:smallsmile:

Finding nonlethal endings is always fun and makes it even easier to reuse antagonists. might even help the story long run. Sounds cool

[Solamnicknight]

Finding nonlethal endings is always fun and makes it even easier to reuse antagonists. might even help the story long run. Sounds cool Agreed. Also as a DM I like to see characters come up with creative solutions to problems. This also makes a a rules light DM since half the time I can't keep the more complex rules straight anyway.:smallsigh: I like to see the story come before mechanics basically. :smallsmile: Also that black robe they rescued had been defeated by the party earlier and they used smart tactics.

[goto124]

I can imagine a DM who would get angry at the players 'derailing' the campaign. Though that DM shouldn't be playing a tabletop probably.

[Solamnicknight]

I can imagine a DM who would get angry at the players 'derailing' the campaign. Though that DM shouldn't be playing a tabletop probably.
That's why I tend to put story over rules and leave room for changes based on character choice for good or ill.

[Lank]

Mine probably isn't as funny as all of these but I had a good laugh at it.
I was DMing a D&D 5e Encounters campaign, the players are a mix of experienced players and total newbies. We are currently at level 2.
After walking through a dungeon they had not had any combat just yet and have only hit a few traps. They were a little bit battered still very strong.
One of my characters was a lawful evil level 2 fighter. He had taken the most damage and was just over half health. The party then walke into a large room. A man in a black cloak stood before them. He had a glaive on his back and refused to show his back. The man said "Come here I have a proposition for you" in a really sinister voice followed by a cackling laugh.
The whole party stayed back and weren't going near this guy except for our LE Fighter. He had made a deal with a necromancer in the past and it paid off for him so I guess he thought he repeat his luck. The player specificly told me that he stands 10ft away from the cloaked man. Obviously he had forgotten that I said this man had a glaive and he proceeded to attack the LE Fighter.
Cloaked Man had multiattack and made two attacks with his glaive. First strike was a crit but only did 9 damage, the second strike to my surprise and the players horror was also a crit and did 18 damage to the player for a total damage of 27 on an already weakened fighter.
I tend to go into graphic detail when i kill a player and this was no exception. The first strike removed his left arm, the second sliced him cleanly in half at the waist. The fighter's last words were "Hold my stuff" (he assumes the necromancer will ressurect him).
The party watched in horror as their companion fell to the floor. The Cloaked Man cackled at the sight.
The funny thing is that one of my newbie players has gotten into their head that as she is playing as a barbarian she assume they will always survive because of her high hp. It was a bit of a wake up call for the newbie players.
The DM has a taste for blood now :smallamused:

[ironsnake345]

Ok, I've posted enough of these that I think I oughta go over our characters again. If you want story, though, check out the rest of my posts. *ahem*

Brocc (Me): Gnome Wizard with an 18 int and a thing for attack magic. The only original party member of the group. Never been replaced, but has died twice. Currently insane, and has to lug around a card table. (which thankfully isn't very big)

James: Gnome (I think) sorcerer. Used to be a pirate, and has gone on to be a rather quiet sorcerer with a thing for ray of frost. Always looking for a shard of glass for one of his spells, but never finds one. The player who has died most; James is his fifth character.

Syrinden: Human paladin. Fervently LG, but has been talked into doing sliiiiightly chaotic things by Brocc. Keeps his party alive and kicking as well as possible. So short he is occasionally mistaken for a dwarf. His player's second character; first was an insanely fast monk.

Dinten: Elf ranger. Might have turned evil. Deadly with his bow, like you wouldn't believe. Owns enchanted shortswords, and has crazy insane bonuses with them. Not good at being friendly. His player has had other characters, but I forget them entirely.

Marcellus: halfling priest of war. (cleric archetype) Wields a rapier and shield, like in dark souls. Excellent in combat, and has been good at keeping Brocc's table repaired. His player's third character; second was a hilarious dwarf bard named Osric, first was Brocc's rival, a human wizard named Shela.

Ashir: Human fighter 1 / Wizard 2. Childish and a bit odd. Loves prestidigation, and stabbing. Was great friends with a boy from the desert village, who was named Abu. Abu is dead now. His player's fourth character; third was a younge halfling rogue of unidentifiable gender named leverus, second was a female human bard named fay, Osric's best friend and in total contrast with him, first was Severus, a human fighter who considered himself a paladin without paladin powers. (He's CG...)

The funny thing is, all these funny moments happened in the same combat. we got attacked by some mummy/zombies, who are led by the mummified versions of Dulcime and Abu. You need to do some reading to figure out who those are. (my last post says who Dulcime is) anyway, here they are.

brocc is being attacked by a mummy/zombie throughout the entire combat. Throughout the combat, the zombie never misses brocc. In fact, it crits him every time it attacks. Brocc's fine, though, it's only doing 2 damage, which is the minimum for a 5th ed crit. Wow. That mummy/zombie is precise, but weak.

You know how I said Abu was one of the mummies? Well, when Ashir saw Abu "alive," he was OVERJOYED. So, the DM is going around having us all make our special ravenloft-issue horror saves, and when it's Ashir's turn, he just immediately says "I CHARGE ABU AND HUG HIM!!!" Now, a lot of DM's wouldn't let this fly, but the thing about our DM is if you do something in-character which would substitute, you can get out of a save. Usually this would just be an in-character horrified reaction to something (see brocc running through a cave with Shela's arms) but in this case it had nothing to do with being afraid at all. Regardless, though, it was damn-near inspiration-worthy. Ashir did everything he could when Abu was pulled under the sand by mummy/zombies, and seeing Abu here, he just charges Abu and hugs him. So, anyway, our DM allows this, and Ashir manages to dodge all the attacks of opportunity and crit his save against Abu's paralyzing gaze. (Yes, Abu and Dulcime are full-fledged mummies) You'd think this wouldn't last very long, but the dice gods wanted otherwise, and Abu keeps on getting nat 1's on his attack rolls to hit a very affectionate Ashir. Eventually, after a failed attempt to pick up Abu and spin him around, Abu finally manages to get a hit in... A critical hit. Ashir is DOWN. ...With mummy rot.

Brocc, seeing that Dulcime and Abu are being really big nuissances to the whole party, decides to ignore the weak-critting zombie on him and blast Dulcime with his strongest spell: scorching rays. After everyone in our party spent five sessions asking if we can ask if mummies fear fire. Now that Brocc has reason to, things get real. He fires his rays, and guess what? All 3 hit. That's a total of 6D6. Wait... I'm sorry, I forgot that I'm attacking a mummy. I meant to write 12D6!!! thankfully, Dinten's player happens to have a massive collection of D6's, so Brocc grabs a handful, rolls, and after a minute of counting we settle on... 40 damage. From a level 3 character. :smallcool:
Oh, and Brocc's reaction to seeing Dulcime ERUPT into flame? It goes as follows: :eek: *looks down at hands* :belkar:

So, the combat is at its end and Brocc goes up and stabilizes syrinden. Syrinden has just failed 2 death saves in a row, and now he's one skull away from dying. Brocc rolls medicine check: 2. DM: "You think he's dead. Syrinden! roll death save." He critted it, meaning that he instantly rises with 1 hit point. In other words, Brocc just came up pronounced syrinden dead, and then Syrinden got up right in front of him. Reminds me of a real-life soldier who was wounded so bad that the doctor no-joke pronounced him dead, and to prove the doctor wrong, he no-joke spat in his face as he was being put in a body bag. anyway, Brocc was understandably paralyzed with fear by this.

Marcellus: "Can I pray to set for divine intervention in prevening their mummy rot?" DM: "Well, evil gods do usually respond to that because then you belong to them, but that would be REALLY out of character for you." Marcellus: "Yeah, you're right. I'm not ready to rewrite my character. I just wish I could pray to Tyr." Ashir: "Well, this is ravenloft. Tyr isn't here; only set." Syrinden: "I bring Tyr here!" *laugh break*

DM: "So, what, you just REACH UP INTO THE SKY, and pull tyr down to help us..." Marcellus: "Or, better, yet, you just go off to some phone booth and change into your Tyr costume, with like a T on your torso!"

There's also a cool story about narrowly avoiding losing two characters to mummy rot, but that's more fitting for a cool D&D moments forum. Besides, I need to go to bed. Good night, everyone, see you in X number of weeks! :smallsmile:

[Belac93]

Just yesterday me and my friends decided to start a homebrew 5e campaign, where we can be any of the 30+ races that I have made or collected in the past little while
One of my friends decides he wants to make a kangaroo race, the other one decides to be a gnome, and I'm a goblin. The kangaroo names his species the Plumethaythes. His characters name is Radondabicular Lenwarfenzaknerpoflen, the fighter. He talks in an Australian accent. The Gnome ranger refuses to say his name, and rides an ugly swamp pig. My character is a sorcerer
So the first session begins with Radondabicular coming into the town of red larch, to find warriors to bring back to the other Plumethaythes, and the gnome riding his pig in. Fast forward to later, and they are in a tavern talking and hear screaming outside. They walk outside and see a little ball of flaming rags running around screaming, Radondabicular throws his axe and misses, then the ball of rags trips and face plants in the dirt, revealing itself to be a goblin, wearing nothing but socks, he screams, sees a gnome (which he is afraid of) and immediately runs to the Plumethaythe, latches onto him, looks up and proclaims "I'm a smart goblin!" then runs and tries to eat the pig, who kicks him into a pig trough, where he says "Ma nams Drubbus Dogcooker, I'm onna quest!". meanwhile, the other players are laughing themselves onto the floor, they eventually decide to join him on his quest.

[Belac93]

Again, same group with Drubbus, we came across a caravan while we were traveling along a road, and the guards of the caravan said "goblins are vile and despicable creatures that should be eradicated as soon as possible." as soon as they finished talking Drubbus started lecturing them on the importance of not judging a book by its cover, he rolled persuasion
"20"
The guards were so sorry for being mean, that they gave him a goat as an apology, which he now rides, and they continued on their quest.:smallbiggrin:

[Hypername]

Pathfinder Way of the Wicked AP

We board the ship to reach the place where our mission would take place. The crew is full of proud warriors. Since all of the party is made up of 4 LE PCs one tries to command the captain to let him take his horse aboard.

PC: The horse is coming with us
Cap: We don't have enough space to take it with us
PC: I DON'T CARE, THROW ONE OF YOUR SAILORS OVERBOARD IF YOU MUST.
GM: Intimidate check
*rolls a 1*
GM: All sailors are pissed off and are coming at you
Me, playing a Dhampir Inquisitor of Asmodeus, take the situation in my hands
Me: EVERYONE BACK OFF NOW, OR YOU ARE FINISHED. OOC: I show them my fangs
GM: Roll for intimidate
I go for the roll and I get a 32 (18 on the dice + 14 from the skill)
GM: The sailors try to jump off the ship out of fear
Meanwhile OOC the other PCs and the GM after seeing the result
http://static.giantbomb.com/uploads/original/25/252605/2711608-6968952325-20718.png

[CantigThimble]

(5e D&D)

When our party was attacked by an Owlbear we saw the picture in the monster manual and thought it was adorable, so after the fight we carefully skinned it and has it stuffed so now it's a giant plush owlbear. We nicknamed him 'Huggy' and put on shows for children using him.

When going through our treasure collection:
DM: ... the drow statuette is worth 17gp, oh, and the stuffed owlbear-
Me: Let me stop you right there, I think we should roleplay this. I'm going to make an insight check to determine what my character thinks Huggy is worth. I'm going to use my channel divinity (cleric of knowledge) to remove my proficiency in insight.
Player 2: I'll use the assist action to give him disadvantage.
Player 3: Me too.
*Rolls three d20s*
Me: Thats a natural 1, what does my character think Huggy is worth?
DM: ...Huggy is priceless.

[Inevitability]

This happened this afternoon, and I felt like I just had to share it.

The party was on their own ship in the middle of the ocean, and they had just discovered that the kobold companion they took along was, in fact, the BBEG in disguise. After some decent surprise attacks, he disappeared.

The party had their entire crew of bugbears (don't ask) search the ship, but nothing turned up. Not a trace of the villain was left, and the players were getting pretty worried. At that moment, the monk says something I never expected.

Monk: I count the bugbears.
Me: :smallconfused::smalleek::smallannoyed:
Monk: :smallbiggrin:
Me: You *sigh* discover that there seems to be one more bugbear than last time you saw them. However, you do not know which one is new!
Rogue: I separate them, then command each to count to ten in their native language.
Me: Well, they... wait. Did I really not... Well, I guess you discover one of them doesn't speak Goblin. Roll for initiative, I guess.

[Hypername]

This happened this afternoon, and I felt like I just had to share it.

The party was on their own ship in the middle of the ocean, and they had just discovered that the kobold companion they took along was, in fact, the BBEG in disguise. After some decent surprise attacks, he disappeared.

The party had their entire crew of bugbears (don't ask) search the ship, but nothing turned up. Not a trace of the villain was left, and the players were getting pretty worried. At that moment, the monk says something I never expected.

Monk: I count the bugbears.
Me: :smallconfused::smalleek::smallannoyed:
Monk: :smallbiggrin:
Me: You *sigh* discover that there seems to be one more bugbear than last time you saw them. However, you do not know which one is new!
Rogue: I separate them, then command each to count to ten in their native language.
Me: Well, they... wait. Did I really not... Well, I guess you discover one of them doesn't speak Goblin. Roll for initiative, I guess.

Example of what high wisdom is.

[Yukitsu]

Me in shadowrun.

DM: So, you've spoofed your ID as a substitute teacher, they've called you in to be a physics teacher.
Me: I have a logic stat of 1 and am not trained in that.
Player 1: Why are you sneaking in as a teacher?
Me: I was supposed to be their PE teacher.
Player 2: Low blow man.

Player 1: I mean, it's just things like triangles and stuff.
Me: I'm terrible at those too.
Player 1: So I guess you're bad at geometry too then.
Me: Yeah, I could never figure out where countries were either.
Player 1: And geography and language arts. Did you pass anything?
Me: PE.

DM: OK, so yeah, you and the target just leave together.
Me: OK, gimme a minute, I didn't think we were gonna succeed this hard, I figured the school would be on fire, the target half dead with a squad of elite guards after me.
Player 1: There's still time for that.
Me: School's gonna be locked up, too late to light it on fire, unless you have some napalm bombs and a chopper.
Player 1: Nope.
Me: Too late then.

Player 1: You've spent three times more money on stuff for your job here than you're going to get paid.
Me: Yeah, but the clothes here are so pretty and I can use them off the job.
Player 1: You're buying our hostage a 10 thousand nuyen dress.
Me: Well yeah, but she doesn't know she's my hostage, and look, we have matching outfits now!

----After the job:
DM: So they call you in to do more substitute teaching.
Me: But... but we're supposed to be done here.
DM: They're paying more than you got paid for the job.
Me: ...Fine.
DM: That person you kidnapped is pretty happy that you're still teaching there.

[ironsnake345]

Well, this is the last session in our campaign. I'm still planning on doing more D&D at some point, but for now, the school group is out of stuff to roleplay. Still had some very noteworthy moments. I plan on joining another campaign next school year, and I know a girl I could join up with over the summer, but other than that I'm out of roles to play. Still, I'm going to be holding on to Brocc. I'm definitely using him next year! Anyway, moments.

So, we have been trekking through the desert and we made it to a canyon. Our guide, with life in mind, abandons us and we get attacked by a bunch of really mangy two-headed disease-dogs on our way down the canyon. Eventually we come to the tomb of Ankh-Depot, the evil pharaoh guy who supposedly is causing all this trouble. We search the place, and the only noteworthy things we come across are a giant pillar structure depicting every single god in Egyptian lore, a bunch of rooms full of old decayed furniture which we make a burnable bonfire trap out of, a series of tombs full of sarcophagi where a mummy attacks us and we find a non-animated mummy who, after casting legend lore from a scroll, we find out is Ankh-Depot's favorite wife. She's holding half of an Ankh, the other half is broken off. We decide to take the Ankh and find its other half. Oop, forgot to mention the fourth noteworthy thing. It was a giant room with an enormous statue of, presumably, Ankh-Depot, surrounded by some other smaller statues of women and some of his guards. Also, in that room, we find a hidden passageway. It leads to a place with two sarcophagi and a staircase down. I'll explain what more is there later.

So, that room I talked about with the two sarcophagi and the staircase? The sarcophagi are facing each other and guarding the staircase, and the first time one of us steps through, they open up, huge 8-foot mummies step out, growl at us incredibly loudly, and step back into and close their sarcophagi. After that happened, we get people trying to sneak past them, and this happens: Brocc: "I'm coming too! I'm great at sneaking!" Marcellius: "You're NOT coming with us. You're terrible with stealth, and you'll die as soon as anything happens!" Brocc: "No I won't! I have a 21 max HP and I'm not even wounded!" Marcellius: "YOU'RE A WIZARD!!!" Brocc: "I'm a wizard ROGUE!!!" Marcellius: "You're a rogue!?!" Ashir: "Since when did you become a rogue?!?" Brocc: "Since Ravenloft allowed me to level up on the way here!" (DM's words.) Brocc: "Besides, I have plus 6 stealth! How about you?" Marcellius: "...I have plus 5..." Dinten: Brocc, you're carrying a table around. I don't trust your stealth!" Brocc: "Come on! I'm great at stealth!" Dinten: "Brocc, If I remember correctly, you mentioned that the last time you tried being stealthy, your friend died." DM: "I'm sorry, I'm just laughing too hard at that table thing. Could you imagine, like, solid snake if he had to just lug a table around everywhere? Or just going down a hallway and there are zombies on the other side, dragging the table on the ground, like bbbrreeeeeeeeeeekkk... 'ssshhhh... be reeeeeeeeally quiet, guys.' " That's all I remember before we continued on.

So, the sarcophagi open up a second time and the guard mummies are angry now. During that time, we get this little gem: DM: "Alright, so Brocc makes his fear save, and the mummy... (roll) Nat-1's to kill Marcellius. C'mon, blue d20, you roll twenties almost every time without fail. Now you give me a nat-1?" Brocc: "THE DICE ARE SHOWING MERCY!!!"

Brocc: "I cast hold undead!" DM: "Didn't you only have the one scroll?" Brocc: "Yeah, but didn't it have multiple charges?" DM: "yeah, but you used one of those on legend lore. It evaporated when you cast hold undead last time." Brocc: "Crap... Alright, I throw a dart." DM: "Alright, roll it." Brocc: "ok. (roll) ... Eigh-that's a D12." The whole rest of that session, we kept on accidentally rolling D-8's. It was amazing.

This really describes the climactic ending to the campaign. So, we got down those stairs, and we meet Isu, the evil cultist of Set, and she's ressurected one of the evil pharaoh guy's princes, who happens to be even bigger and tougher than those guard mummies. I've dubbed him a mega mummy. James happens to have a scroll of level 5 fireball, which Brocc, being an evoker, can cast and bend entirely around the party members up close fighting Isu and the mega mummy. Brocc implores James to hand over the scroll, because he can bend the magic and safely destroy Isu and the mega mummy. James refuses and holds onto the scroll. Dinten: "Just give him the damn scroll! We're all dead anyway!" (at this point, everyone's unconsious except me, James, and Dinten, who only just got smacked by the mega mummy. James, when his turn, decides to launch the scroll himself and use careful spell to half damage to all but one of our teammates, as opposed to Brocc leaving them unharmed. This instantly burns Syrinden to ashes, somewhat-indirectly kills Marcellius and ashir, and incinerates Isu and critically wounds the mega mummy. Brocc: "NOOOOOOOO!!! JAMES, YOU IDIOT!!! YOU DESERVE ALL THAT THIS MUMMY DOES TO YOU!!!" At this point, Brocc runs off and leaves James to the wrath of the mummy. Yep, James dies. Brocc tries to kite the mummy over to the bonfire trap, and Dinten manages to crit his death save and sneak up behind the mummy. However, the mummy takes a few minutes to rest, and at this point we haven't yet surmised that mummies can regenerate health in character, but Brocc will have that feeling in his next quest. Anyway, after a rest, the mummy chases after Brocc, who manages to perfectly light the bonfire trap in time to burn the mummy, but it's already as burnt as it will ever be and the fire has no effect. Dinten joins in, and the two smack the mummy for a bit. The mummy notices the ankh that Dinten is holding after knocking Brocc down, (we found the other half in one of the guard mummies' sarcophagi) and beats Dinten and takes it. Brocc crits is death save and gets up without the mummy noticing, and stabilises Dinten sneakily. Then, Brocc sneaks after the mummy and follows it deeper into the secret chambers than anyone has gone yet, and into a room with a big mural of the sea in the sunrise, as well as a large, gilded egyptian boat facing it. The mega mummy boards the boat, the sound of a gong is heard, and it dismounts the boat. Another mega mummy leaves the boat, holding a golden scepter and an ankh. This, clearly, is Ankh-Depot. Ankh-Depot sees his son trying to overthrow him, and the two throw down. A hoard of other mummies join in the fight, and everyone fighting migrates towards one of the room's far walls from where Brocc is. Meanwhile, Brocc notices that the mural is getting awfully realistic, almost like you could step into it... and the boat is floating. Brocc gets an idea; call it what you will, divine intuition, a dead character yelling at him OOC; and scrambles aboard the floating boat. While the mummies are fighting, the boat carries Brocc up, flies into the mural, and Brocc ends up floating down some river somewhere. DM: "Congratulations, Brocc. You have escaped Ravenloft. Also, everyone else is dead." In the end, everyone else got eaten by mummies. Call me a coward if they will, I've brought my character on from the very beginning of this quest. Brocc: not only the only remaining original party member of the group, but the only survivor. And thus, the campaign comes to an end.

And that's the end of the campaign. We'll see how things progress from now on, but worry not, dungeoneers. there will be plenty more funny moments to be had by all! Until next time!

[Belac93]

A character I made was a tiefling rogue, she was a kleptomaniac, but also the most generous person alive. She would steal the other players water skins one day, but the next give them a flame-tongue sword for free.

[Bard1cKnowledge]

So in the very first solo game for someone I ran, it was for a 300 pound barbarian half orc (named Utdyr) that was carrying 100 pounds of junk. The first encounter was a bunch of cultists in a bar.

Utdyr: I jump on one and ride him like a horse
Me: Alright? Make me acrobatics?

*rolls a nat 1*

Me:you fail to jump on him, in fact, you trip, sending over 400pounds of half orc on the guy *rolls a d8* nearly killing him

[Drakonwriter]

Character: Cheery Littlebottom, Dwarf Rogue and rip-off of the dwarf of the same name in Terry Pratchett's Discworld.
The first time I played D&D, I almost set the record for fastest death in the group by whacking a dire wolf in the head with a hammer. I was dragged back and healed. Shortly thereafter, I attempted to threaten a bartender into letting me buy into his bar, was beaten up by him and told to get out, and then I shot him in the head. Instant kill.
You'd think I'd need a new character after that, but surprisingly no. My character was being held by the arms while the city guard was summoned. I distracted them by yelling out to the party's wizard and then kicking both of my captors in the crotch at the same time.
They dropped me and I ran into the street just in time to meet the guards. Being a dwarf and having a speed of 25, I couldn't outrun them, so I grabbed one of them and yelled to the others to back off or he would die.
They slowed down and told me that I didn't have to do this, and my hostage was begging to be let go and telling me he had a family. I told him that if he shut up he'd get out of this alive.
Worth mentioning is that the bartender was a friend of the party's barbarian, and she was rallying the people into a lynch mob to get me. If the guards didn't get me, they would.
So, out of options, I came up with the daring plan to change my identity. I tried to shove my hostage into the other guards, but didn't roll high enough. Instead, I tripped him and started running for an alley with all the guards chasing.
A few turns in, I lost the guards for long enough to make it to the rooftops, and I ran across them until I managed to lose everyone for a moment, during which I executed my plan.
Cheery is a female dwarf, but on the Discworld dwarves are largely androgynous. With a quick shave to make a more masculine beard and hairstyle and the destruction of my chainmail, I was just a regular dwarf and absolutely not that murderer who went running that way, please catch her and make her pay for what she did.
And with that, I was found. As there was no denying a resemblance, I claimed to be Cheery's father, Beaky. Nobody was buying it, but I didn't have the same hair, my clothes were some that could be worn by anyone, and my chainmail had been trampled by the mob.
The lord of the land took me into custody and told the mob to go home. He arranged for a zone of truth to be cast, and for me to be questioned in it. If he found out I was lying I would have been executed on the spot.
And so I had to lie my way out of a zone of truth. Which I did.
This was only the beginning of that session, but because of it, I am now pretending to be someone else entirely. It was a hilarious game.

[Lavranzo]

At the brink of a huge battle, everything is silent. Our evil bard, who called himslef "the red harper", stands upon a cliff overlooking the battlefield. He raises his arms, as the priest of a church would do, when he blesses the church. Then he says the creepiest things, in the most eerie voice I've ever heard:
The Evil Bard: "This battle will be my masterpiece. The horrors of battle shall be accompanied by the ringing of warbells, the songs of dying screams, the drumming of blades upon shield and the thunder of thousandfold arrows whistling through the air, letting out a thump as they penetrate the bloodied armours of couragous men. I shall accompany this death's sonata, this requiem of life, possibly as my last action, and I shall be thrilled with every deathly moment of it. Now, friends, comes the day of the red harpers final piece."
DM: :smalleek:
Rest of the group: :smalleek:

Maybe not as fun as it was creepy, now that I think of it. :smalltongue:

[illyahr]

At the brink of a huge battle, everything is silent. Our evil bard, who called himslef "the red harper", stands upon a cliff overlooking the battlefield. He raises his arms, as the priest of a church would do, when he blesses the church. Then he says the creepiest things, in the most eerie voice I've ever heard:
The Evil Bard: "This battle will be my masterpiece. The horrors of battle shall be accompanied by the ringing of warbells, the songs of dying screams, the drumming of blades upon shield and the thunder of thousandfold arrows whistling through the air, letting out a thump as they penetrate the bloodied armours of couragous men. I shall accompany this death's sonata, this requiem of life, possibly as my last action, and I shall be thrilled with every deathly moment of it. Now, friends, comes the day of the red harpers final piece."
DM: :smalleek:
Rest of the group: :smalleek:

Maybe not as fun as it was creepy, now that I think of it. :smalltongue:

As the god of bards (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showsinglepost.php?p=19127278&postcount=446), I approve this post.

[Lavranzo]

As the god of bards (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showsinglepost.php?p=19127278&postcount=446), I approve this post.

That is an eerily similar character O_O

[Warlord_winters]

I have two stories today, my 1st two times playing. I don't really know how funny these are, but they're all I have right now.

1st Story
~~~~~~

My 1st time was in community collage about 5 years ago now, I was heading out one night and saw a poster for a teacher hosted " Weekly Game Night". MTG, Pokemon, D&D, etc. it was happening in...3 MINUTES, right down the hall?! I booked it. I made a beeline to the D&D table where the DM, just started explaining the basic rules. I can't remember which edition it was.

He had a stack of pre-made character sheets with a good balanced team to make it "easier" for us. I picked the Dwarf Fighter and named him Rudderbutt, his back story was one of a flatulence problem as a child when some raiders attacked his lakeside village. There was a Human Paladin, Corgan. A Half-Elf Ranger Captain Jack, yeah I dunno. and A Halfing Rouge, Shadowfoot. Our trial session was to head through a town, fighting rats, a pack of wolves, some people who tried to rob us and make our way to a tavern.

At the Inn we were met with the "BBEG" a hooded guy just causing ruckus and disrupting the other patrons. I wanted to calm him down and was getting ready to have the "Barkeep, gi' our new friend 'ere yer finest ale" but Shadowfoot decided to "Stab his ssssssstupid face".... So we found out he was a Necromancer and summoned about 50 skeletons, half with swords and with bows. We all died and the Tavern was leveled to the ground in the chaos. The DM said "GG we'll meet up same time next week." I actually had to move 2 weeks after this so I couldn't find any groups where I moved to.


2nd story
~~~~~~

Last Summer I finally found a group at my local College, it was really meant for students, which I wasn't, but they gave me a shot. and their hours where 7pm to 3am, so I couldn't make it to many games before I had to drop it. The DM wrote me in as a rescued Gnome Wizard, the party was 2 Half-Orc Druid Twins (twins in real life) a Drow Bow Ranger, a Human Cleric and a Half-Elf Monk.

A group of thugs kidnapped me from a local magic school because they thought I was a Leprechaun due to my red hair, I was a fire wizard, and played him as a very literal hot headed loud mouth. So after the pretty quick slaughter fest of thugs, and ransacking of their campsite for loot, The Gnome Wizard Meeps Joined their party.

We were headed to an abandoned Manor in the hills of a dark forest looking for clues of rumors of a evil cult summoning some god that would bring total destruction "blah blah blah" you know the rest. After a few wild animal encounter we made it to the house. We slowly walked around for a good 50 minutes before we triggered a trap that makes hundreds cat sized spiders come out of every nook and cranny in the house.

We held out pretty well for a few rounds before the Ranger rolled bad and shot the Cleric in the throat. We started retreating to a door down the hall, dragging the cleric but we had to leave him since he was slowing us down, the spiders quickly finished him off. We found the basement and went down. We later found out we were suppose to go up to the attic that had the portal back to town. Anyhoo one of the Druids trips going down the stairs and the Monk tries to jump over him and whacks his head on an overhead beam, the 2nd Druid turned into a bear and blocked the door, to "buy us time".

Me and the ranger made down alright, we decided to use the 2nd Druid and Monk on the stairs as our last line of defense barricade, since the Bear Druid was down. These spiders were vicious. For about 4 rounds it was a hurricane of fire balls and arrows, until the wall closest to the ranger gave out and spiders poured from the hole. I decided to just start spinning in circles shooting fire every which way....but alas. Our DM states "the basement was the storage room for roughly 50 barrels of gunpowder, the house ignites with a flash and rockets off its foundations 50 feet into the air, some of the explosion goes through the portal and sets fire to the towns orphanage, everyone dies" nobody was really mad at me because we were pretty much already dead. They started a new party in the same campaign based on what happened called The Orphengers, bringing justice to children everywhere.

and Thus ends my tales of D&D...for now. I just got invited to a new group yesterday :D stay tuned for my chaotic antics.

[Dragonhunter20]

So last year I went to college and formed a dnd group on my floor. Out of the 40 guys on the floor 18 of them joined the group and made characters. It was so much that one of the other guys and myself had to co-dm. This was my first time ever Dming and I eventually took over the management of the whole group. There were a few interesting moments.

During the first day of play the group split into 2 different factions, each going to retrieve a different item. The one I was watching over ran into some wolves in a cave, nothing challenging and was meant to get them use to combat and how it worked. When the battle was over one of the players looked at me (he had a very.... interesting personality) and asked if he could commit necrophiliac bestiality.:smalleek: Luckily the guy was a cleric and I informed him his deity would not like that and so he shrugged and moved on.

The other great moment was when they encountered a herd of zebra. One of the guys jumps up and cheers. He then asks to jump onto the back of a zebra. He makes a few rolls and proceeds to roll nothing less than a 17, even using different dice each time. After 5 min of this I give up and say he broke the zebra's will and it is now his pet. Stripey sits in the middle of their little fort eating only the best hay that gold can afford.

During a walk through the jungle the party (there were still about 8-10 members every session at this point ranging in level from 4-8) and encountered some lizard men. Without a second thought they jumped into action and attacked the lizard men. The shaman with them was having none of that and called out for his pet. The group laughed and asked what kind of pet he had. Before the session I had pulled up a sound bit of the t-rex roaring in Jurassic Park and placed hidden speakers around the table, set to max volume. I simply smiled at them and said you hear this behind you. Que sound bit. It caught them so off guard that one of the guys actually fell over in their chair. It was a tough battle but they were more than happy since they could scavenge all the teeth they could ever need.

[Rad Mage]

I had one session in a 4th ed. game where the dice hated me. None of my rolls hit/beat the DC/made the save. No natural one's just a long stream of unsuccessful attempts at whatever I was trying to do. The session came to a close, as I was putting away my dice I noticed my d20 wasn't on the table.

Turns out I was rolling my d12 all night.

[AGCIAS]

I just finished reading both “Funny D&D” threads so thought I might post (btw, I miss seeing Karoht here). So a few mildly amusing stories, chronologically:

I started RPGing with a bootleg playtest copy of Steve Jackson’s “The Fantasy Trip.” We were in a dungeon when a horde of orcs comes charging down the tunnel at us. “That’s okay,” my wizard says, “I have a scroll with ‘Wall’ on it (creates three hexes of stone wall).” When from the back of the party I hear the thief pushing forward yelling, “Sorry, sorry, I think I have that, it fell into my backpack, sorry, sorry.”

Another story from a friend, the guy who introduced me to RPGing and TFT. A certain unnamed game designer who was running a beta test group in an equally unnamed RPG had one player who … got up his nose. Finally he managed to kill the guy. Their thief (rogue) had crawled up a narrow tunnel into a round room with a plinth in the center. On top of it was a lump of coal. Hell, it HAD to be something good; it was so hard to get to. They kept trying to do things with it – no luck. Now their friend had died so they put it on his chest and said: “I wish he were alive again.” The GM spent two solid minutes cursing. THAT was what it did.

My current group complains bitterly about my punning. Sadly, this is nothing new. One of my first D&D adventures was in the Judge’s Guild module “Tagel Manor.” Behind the manor we found a cistern. I told everyone that I looked for brethren. Groans all around. Then the DM said that the back door was ajar. I tried to unscrew it. I was promptly informed by all involved that if I punning one more time, they would kill my character and throw me out of the game. I actually went without a pun for the rest of the session.

[Dunsparce]

Less of a story and more of a character.

In a 3.5 campaign I'm in, one of the players decided to play an awakened camel cleric obviously named Joe Camel. His smokes a lot and his character's goal is to teach the children of the world about the wonders of cigarette smoking. Unfortunately the biggest roadblock to his goal is not moral guardians stepping in, but his own crippling gambling addiction. whenever we get money, no matter how large or small the amount, he gambles it away for double or nothing until he has nothing left. One the plus side the DM gave him a custom Orison, Summon Smokes, so he can always have cigarettes on hand at least for himself.

[Bard1cKnowledge]

In the Mulmaster setting, during the breath of the yellow rose

When we *finally* got to the mansion, the barbarian asked if he could handle the diplomacy to get us in. He politely knocks on the door. When someone looked through the eye slot he just punched him, flew into a rage and jumped the fence.

Everyone else decided to pretend they didn't know him, I on the other hand was in charge of him (backstory, I hired him for the Harpers) so I used Command to make him return to my spot, the other players made a plan to "control him" and talk it out. they "slapped" some manacles on him and got him to go along long enough for something to go wrong.

The next combat he was in a standstill with a lvl 2 fighter in full plate, no one taking damage for 6 rounds

[Elandris Kajar]

This is my story. Our rouge rolls a one on pick pockets at first level. DM describes it thusly:

"You approach your mark stealthily. You tap her on the shoulder and say "excuse me, where is your purse? I plan to steal it."

[AGCIAS]

I had the great good luck to start D&D with a fantastic group. When we went to a con we were bitterly disappointed not to take first or second in both D&D and Traveller. In one con I missed they realized two and a half hours into a three-hour tournament that they had missed a clue at the beginning and turned the wrong way on entering the dungeon. In thirty minutes they went through the tournament, finished the last encounter and were working on the last puzzle when they ran out of time. In games we worked perfectly together but we, I will admit, sometimes had a tendency to overplan. We were resting in a wizard’s alchemical lab and our barbarian (from The Dragon magazine) thought we were taking too much time so, to protest our slowness, he grabbed and drank two unidentified potions. He took 36 points of damage from an internal explosion and got permanently ten feet tall with hill giant strength. From then on, when we were examining a door, he would pick up the hobbit thief, hold him against the door and say, “I check for traps.”

One of the guys who played with me when I started had begun with OD&D (before we met). He was a fighter and had an intelligent magic sword that constantly insulted him and the other party members, demanded that he add all gems the party found to its scabbard, refused to let him carry any other magic items and was generally a royal pain in the rear. Finally he found another magic sword and set the offending blade down against a wall, picked up the largest stone he could lift and used it to smash the sword. That was the end of the campaign. A later group exploring the same dungeon marveled at the miles of tunnels lined with green glass, all leading to a huge, spherical amphitheater.

[Myrc88]

My DM is Evil
Playing in a custom setting, I made the mistake of entering a shop with the intent to stock up on supplies.
This place was called Bob's Emporium.
I left not only with my rope, chalk and oil, but about 50-80 extra pounds of things I really didn't want or need.
The extra things:
Gnomish firefly lamp
8 tree beds
Foldable saw
Bug ointment
Bug nets
Several large water skins
And way more variety of chalk than necessary.
My party has made me promise to never enter anything called emporium alone ever again.
However, it only cost me 50 gold.
I hate my DM's salesman NPCs.

[AGCIAS]

This is my story. Our rouge rolls a one on pick pockets at first level. DM describes it thusly:

"You approach your mark stealthily. You tap her on the shoulder and say "excuse me, where is your purse? I plan to steal it."

Very good, Elandris, very good. :smallbiggrin:

One from a friend, a 1st Edition D&D round-robin game he had played in for five years. One of the DMs was very good but really liked one particular player who played a hobbit thief/bard who would enter a room as the party attacked, hide, come out at the end of the fight and pocket any treasure he could get away with. Because of his friendship with the one DM, he got a lot of cool loot and away with most of his garbage. The DM was good enough that the other players put up with this … for a time. Finally, the other players and one of the DMs got together to rid the world of this menace. They decided that, given the hobbit’s proclivity for entering a room and immediately hiding behind a tapestry or furniture, they would have a tapestry beside a door with no wall behind it, leading into a pit. 100 feet down the pit were a series of hair-thin mithril wires running across the pit. 50 feet below that, another set of wires at 90 degrees to the first, and so on and so on. I think there may have been a pit of acid at the bottom. They called it the hobbimatic. Everyone spent a lot of time working everything out to the last detail. Two rooms into the dungeon the hobbit was killed and the hobbimatic went unused.

[TeChameleon]

In games we worked perfectly together but we, I will admit, sometimes had a tendency to overplan.

... if your group ever tries Shadowrun, I want to hear what happens :smallamused:

[Easyfutco]

This is the game i like the most of all that i have tried.
Thank you very much, for the game, for being active with the community, for trying to solve the bugs, for the blog updates, for everything.

Hey there,
i'm not a fan of big words so i'll keep it short and simple:
Thank you for making such a lovely game!
Thank you for countless hours of pure gaming fun!
Thank you for making it so very customizable via mod support!
Thank you for not pushing things too fast!
Well, thank you and keep up the fantastic work!

http://goo.gl/2xgUbu
http://goo.gl/U6ZHNM
http://goo.gl/lvR4Rj

[enderlord99]

This is the game i like the most of all that i have tried.
Thank you very much, for the game, for being active with the community, for trying to solve the bugs, for the blog updates, for everything.

Hey there,
i'm not a fan of big words so i'll keep it short and simple:
Thank you for making such a lovely game!
Thank you for countless hours of pure gaming fun!
Thank you for making it so very customizable via mod support!
Thank you for not pushing things too fast!
Well, thank you and keep up the fantastic work!

http://goo.gl/2xgUbu
http://goo.gl/U6ZHNM
http://goo.gl/lvR4Rj

...Who are you talking to?

[dehro]

I smell
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-ADDxMVkulkQ/VShbxy_JD3I/AAAAAAAABOg/Q87jw6D9P0g/w506-h750/download%2B%25281%2529.jpg

[AGCIAS]

... if your group ever tries Shadowrun, I want to hear what happens :smallamused:

Shadowrun didn’t come out until years later, but we did have some fun with Traveller, a SF RPG. The computers for the spaceships were several tons, to let you know what the tech was like. Since the game computers were less powerful than even then period computers, we made up a lot of our own tech, some of which were predecessors of things in Shadowrun.

[AGCIAS]

I noticed someone else here had played Chivalry & Sorcery. They, and several other RPGs, rushed to get out before AD&D, and thus had many … typos. In C&S failing a spell roll might result in magical backlash that could turn you into a “frong.” OD&D wasn’t exempt from this; it gave a “% in liar” for monsters. Not to be outdone (in slavishly imitating D&D) Arduin Grimoire gave its monsters “% liar.” In many ways AG was a very good, imaginative game (rotten game system, though). It ran to 100th level when most games went to 20th and even suggested ending the campaign when the players got to 15th. It had great monsters, such as kill kittens – cute, furry black land-going piranhas with the appearance of kitties – many of which I have stolen over the years. Of course OD&D magic swords might have the power to “detect meal and what kind.” It was meant to be “metal” and we played it that way but there were many jokes about “You detect roast beef” and “There seems to be a hamburger around the bend in the tunnel.”

RuneQuest (1st Ed.) was another of THOSE games. It would take 3 hours for a knowledgeable player to create a character (Space Opera ran more like 4 or 5). And if you think D&D crit misses are bad…. I once cut off my arm with a halberd. The DM said that I hit the ground, the blade impaled itself and I fell on it. I suggested, rather, that the blade hit a rock, the end of the halberd snapped off and, spinning like a scythe, flew up in the air and came down, slicing off my arm.

[goto124]

OD&D magic swords might have the power to “detect meal and what kind.” It was meant to be “metal” and we played it that way but there were many jokes about “You detect roast beef” and “There seems to be a hamburger around the bend in the tunnel.”

No no, play it as written :D

[AGCIAS]

No no, play it as written :D

A magic sword with this ability only came up once and while, knowing that group, there had to be humor involved, I only remember someone suggesting using it one time to see what a tavern was serving for lunch.

Still, isn't playing it as written a little too much of a gimme? A little too easy?

[Hyena]

Okay, this isn't a DnD story - but still, it's from a game, so listen up.

So, me and a couple of friends decided to play Mutants and Masterminds. One DM, three players - nice and simple. One guy created a magical supersonic Iron Man in the ancient greek armor, the gal created a mind controlling fey. Me? I've created the Jackal - a non-superpowered guy, who managed to battle with supernatural threats with help of a bulletproof vest, a gas mask, a pistol, C4 and a lot of balls. The Jackal was a pretty funny character to play with - for example, he had the power of off-screen teleportation - but only as long as there was an air vent nearby. Once he encountered a locked door on the way to the boss - so he planted explosives and blew it up. The resulting explosion turned out to be so strong that it accidentally vaporized the demon on the other side. But most importantly, he was a total **** to everyone encountered - and it was hilarious. The PC hated him and chewed him out on his reckless behaviour, the group OOCly nicknamed him "The Worst Superhero Ever" - I've thought that the reason for it was his unpleasant behaviour, but the truth turned out to be much more amusing.
So, after a couple of month of regular sessions, we were fighting some nazis. Psychic blast waves were flying, punches were thrown, Jackal managed to shoot a couple of guys. Afterwards, I decided to interrogate one of them.

"You can't." - the DM said. - "You killed him."
I was dumbfounded for a second. "How?"
"You shot him in the head. He's dead."

I was silent for a full minute before bursting out laughing. You see, the gun the Jackal used all this time? It was a stun gun - a glorified tazer, a completely non-lethal weapon, and it was written so on my character sheet. The DM, however, apparently never paid a lot of attention to it - so every time I've declared that I shoot someone, he (and the rest of the party) assumed that I pump a mook full of lead and leave him to bleed out, like some kind of Punisher character. After so many sessions, the Jackal must have stacked up a horrifying body count - which is why the police, superhero guild and the PCs utterly hated him.
My next character used fists as his weapons.

[darkscizor]

In a campaign I DMed for 5e a while ago-

Early on-

Druid (in an island setting): Can I get anything for offering someone to a shark god as a virgin sacrifice?


Later, the same druid tries to sell the party's fighter to a nobleman as a sex slave. She (now I'm talking about the fighter) almost attacked the group, but decided to go with things and let the group save her. The party sells her for 50gp, leaves, and never comes back.

Me: Well, at least no one will be able to sacrifice her to a shark god or anything...

[Hyena]

Wow, your players are douches.

[AGCIAS]

After so many sessions, the Jackal must have stacked up a horrifying body count - which is why the police, superhero guild and the PCs utterly hated him.

My wife burst into laughter when I read that to her. She almost fell out of her seat. Which would have been far less terrifying if she hadn't been driving.

[AGCIAS]

Another early AD&D story from a friend. A newly minted 5th level magic-user (wizard) cast her first, and last, fireball five minutes into the dungeon. I got the impression that the player was a newbie. The DM mentioned that she saw a (normal-size) spider scurrying across the floor in the midst of the party. She was arachnophobic. The MU cast fireball at the spider and no one made their saves – except the spider. I guess the force of the fireball blew it out of range.

[rs2excelsior]

Current game going on, I'm playing as a Hobgoblin paladin of St. Cuthbert (D&D 3.5).

So, we run into a patrol of shapeshifters, part of an army that's invading Kobold lands--a werewolf, a wereboar, a wererat, and two regular wolves. The party tries to talk to them, and things go south. Combat begins when I throw a dagger at the werewolf.

So the wolves charge me, and one of them manages to trip me. The other party members are dealing with them, so I decide to go after the werewolf. Rather than standing up, I tell the DM I want to grab the werewolf, wrestle him to the ground, and headbutt him.I barely manage the Dex roll to beat his reflex save, so I quite literally have a werewolf by the tail. I bring him down and manage to smack my head into his, which the DM rules is 1d4+1.5*STR damage.

Next turn, the werewolf doesn't try and get up, he instead bites down on my arm. I detect evil on him and yeah, he's seriously evil. I lost my glaive, and it wouldn't do any good in close quarters like this, and I can't draw my mace with his jaws around my arm. So I have only one other option--I Smite Evil with my face, making another headbutt attack, while shouting a traditional war cry of paladins of St. Cuthbert--"Have a cudgel to the face, moron!"

My Holy Headbutt Attack managed to do 11 damage and got the werewolf to release my arm.

[AGCIAS]

When I was in college, we ran three to five games a week (yes, none of us had any sex lives). It wasn’t uncommon for a gaggle of us to force our way into someone’s room and demand a game.

One time four friends ordered me to run something. I had never used the random dungeon generator in the back of the DMG so decided to give it a shot. I started rolling for tunnels and rooms, size, shape and direction. This required me to roll many, many dice. As I created the dungeon, I noticed the players becoming more and more nervous. I mean, really obviously. After, I asked why they had all been so very nervous. “We knew we were in trouble because of all the hit dice you were rolling.”

Okay, it was a dungeon literally created on the spot. The group of four first level players finally ran into the two (randomly rolled) gargoyles. Which, at the time, could only be hit by magic weapons. With a party that had only one magic weapon; a +1 arrow. And a Potatomasher. A Potatomasher was four pints of oil tied around the head of a torch, lit and thrown for beau-coupe damage. The gargoyles took flight heading for them. Someone threw the only PM – and missed! Scatter table time. The miss went 12 feet to the left at 9 o’clock and zeroed the other gargoyle. His mate was stabbed to death with a magic arrow.

[FalconsLady]

I wanted to run a silly two night campaign with friends we don't see often. I based the story off of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, in which the party retraces the steps of the original Knights to try to finally find the Grail. There were many funny things that happened. The best, however, is when the party encountered the Knights of Ni, whom I based off of the PF bogeyman monster. The party was struggling. Then, our Cleric of Antioch, casts Holy Word "it." I as the DM bowed before the creativity and allowed it to defeat the Knights.

Other funny things included items such as a dead parrot relic which would bring a PC back to life if they passed a bluff check to convince he/she was not dead, just resting; the holy hand grenade acting as a Pokemon ball to trap the rabbit with big pointy teeth (tarrasque, final boss); an attack on the DM (aka animator) so the cartoon peril would be no more; two three headed Giants who wanted revenge against a PC (Sir Robin's brother) for disgracing thier father by running away from him; and an encounter with the limbless black Knight who had become a demilich. Fun times indeed.

[AGCIAS]

I wanted to run a silly two night campaign with friends we don't see often. I based the story off of Monty Python and the Holy Grail....

Wonderful! Reminds me of a game in college. The DM gave us the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Bob Lyle and I did the intro spiel from memory (mostly Bob). In the dungeon we encountered a purple tentacled horror; obviously something that we couldn’t defeat on our own. I produced the HHGoA and started counting. “One! Two! FIVE!” Bob: “Three, sir.” Me: "Three!" The entire party started screaming. It turned out the two of us (and the DM) were the only ones who had seen the movie and everyone else thought I had just doomed us all! :smallbiggrin:

[darkscizor]

Wow, your players are douches.

Yes. Yes they are.

[AGCIAS]

In my first campaign, 1st Edition, the players had eventually settled in Homlet and done a good job of clearing it out and stirring up the top villains.

They got a contract to protect a mithril mine for seven dwarves up north. Half the party decided to travel by land and the rest to take a merchant ship. I have no memory of why they decided to do this. Anyway, pirates attacked the merchant ship about halfway there. One of the players, Paul, was the fighter/tank. When the pirates hove into view, he suited up in field plate (AC 1, now 19, easier to move in than full plate). This, on a ship, in the middle of the ocean, was either the bravest or stupidest thing I ever saw an otherwise canny player do. The pirates pulled alongside and grappled the ship. They boarded toward the bow and began pushing the sailors and party toward the stern. And the ship caught fire. The merchant ship was a galley and the stern was six feet higher and 12 feet from the stern of the pirate ship. Paul took a running jump, over 12 feet of water, and actually made it with feet to spare. The rest of the party and crew fell back and followed him as he led the charge to take the pirate ship. They cut the lines holding the two ships together and sailed away, with the pirates’ hold of treasure, leaving the pirates aboard a burning, crippled ship sinking slowly below the horizon. They found an island with a small pirate town where they resupplied, sold the less portable of the pirates’ loot and heard a rumor of a temple in the island’s interior where the townsfolk were afraid to go. I forget what was in the temple and am too lazy to dig out my notes but after they cleared the temple out and were following a cliff back to the town, what did they see on the horizon but the merchant ship limping back to the pirates’ home base. They rushed back to the pirate ship and got away before the pirates got there. The merchant got a new ship and enough treasure to be happy and half the players got to Portown ahead of the others.

[FalconsLady]

Wonderful! Reminds me of a game in college. The DM gave us the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Bob Lyle and I did the intro spiel from memory (mostly Bob). In the dungeon we encountered a purple tentacled horror; obviously something that we couldn’t defeat on our own. I produced the HHGoA and started counting. “One! Two! FIVE!” Bob: “Three, sir.” Me: "Three!" The entire party started screaming. It turned out the two of us (and the DM) were the only ones who had seen the movie and everyone else thought I had just doomed us all! :smallbiggrin:

Yeh. Four party members quoted the scene verbatim. It was an awesome time.

[The Grue]

Not so much "Ha Ha" funny as "This Makes No Sense" funny, but here:

Spinning up an Eberron game using Pathfinder. GM linked this conversion page for our benefit, but added "If you're playing an artificer don't use the one on that page, use the one in the Eberron Campaign Setting instead".

Uh...the one written in the 3.5 rules? Back when crafting items had an XP cost? "Yeah, but craft reserve converts to GP now." Okay great, so a level 1 artificer has a 20 GP discount on crafting items...

Whatever, craft reserve isn't that big a deal. Can I ask why you dislike the one on the conversion page?

"It just doesn't feel like an artificer to me. Feels like you took some of the abilities of the various caster classes and gave it to a cleric then added crafting feats."

You...what mate? The conversion has literally all the same class features, except for the craft reserve but that's redundant now that crafting doesn't have an XP cost - and Retain Essence now salvages a fraction of the item's GP cost in raw materials. What's missing?

"I don't like the artificer on the website, you can make one based off the book or not, it's up to you."

:smallconfused:

[AGCIAS]

Yeh. Four party members quoted the scene verbatim. It was an awesome time.

Good times!

This was from just a bit later in my first campaign and was not actually part of the adventure, just my recounting for the players of why they never needed to go back to Homlet. All was rolled, no DM fiat. Paul wasn’t high enough level to have a stronghold but he built a walled manor house on a very defensible point at the edge of town. Paul picked up a henchman, a charismatic fighter, who rolled an adjusted 80-somehing on loyalty. He also found a girlfriend, a pretty female fighter, who also had a high reaction to him. He then proceeded to collect hirelings. He offered a job to … wait for it … the head spy for the Temple of Elemental Evil in the area. The spymaster said he’d think about it, contacted his superiors and then took the job. He then hired two evil characters that the spymaster promptly co-opted with piles of gold (random reaction rolls). In my defense, I did drop many clues, which were promptly ignored. Now the random rolls began. The henchman and henchwoman met each other. One rolled a 96 reaction and the other a 98. Though they both cared for Paul, they decided that they had to be together and Paul’s trip north was the time to run off together (again, random rolls). At the same time, and this had been set up well ahead of time, the ToEE was planning to attack. The two lovers left, time and date randomly rolled, hours before the spy and hirelings opened the manor to the invading orcs, who established it as a strong-point for their attack. After the attack was beaten back (notice I carefully did NOT say “beaten off,” been there, done that), the NPCs in charge of the town sent a bag of gold equal to what Paul had spent on his house along with a note pretty much saying “Your henchmen are missing, presumed dead. A place like yours, and the defenses of Homlet, can’t be trusted to the likes of you and your friends. Don’t come back.” Paul was not happy.

[Kianlon]

This one's a doozy... so my friends and I were playing d20 Modern, in a setting where most technology has stopped working. There is magic, though, and one of our party members was a werewolf. We end up going to his hometown; my character is the only one with Track and he's the only one who knows the area. One of the other characters, "Benny", decides to ignore the party's decision to wait until morning to investigate a cabin in the middle of nowhere... and this happens. Benny has no map, no navigation skills, and a really crappy light source, but a nat 20 on his stealth-related checks lets him sneak out of the inn where the party is staying,

DM: ...Okay, but you're still alone in hostile territory and you don't know where you are. *sigh* Kia, help me out here. Give me an animal that lives by the river.
Me (OOC): Um... rabid watervoles?
DM: Perfect. You hear skittering sounds coming towards you. What do you do?
Benny: I run away.
DM: In which direction?
Benny: Back to the inn!
DM: Yeah... the voles follow you.
Wolfgar (OOC): You do realize you're in a village full of werewolves, right? We don't want to deal with rabies!
Benny: Do I have any styrofoam or chemicals?
DM: What do you think?
Benny: ... am I at the inn yet?
DM: *sigh* Yes.
Benny: I run inside and bolt the door behind me.
DM: The inkeeper gives you a "What the hell, man?" look.
Benny: I run upstairs to our room.
DM: Jodi (her NPC) wakes up. What the hell are you trying to do? It's two in the morning!
Benny: I need to borrow Wolfgar.
Jodi: Ugh, fine. But I'm going back to sleep.
Wolfgar: By this time I'm already awake. What do you want?
Benny: How do I get rid of watervoles?
Wolfgar: I'll show you. I go downstairs, pick up a log set it on fire, and throw it out the window.
DM: Eh, that works. Why not. There's still like four voles left.
Wolfgar: I walk outside and stomp on them until all of the voles are dead. Then I move towards Benny.
Benny: Um... bye! I run away.
DM: The same way you went before?
Benny: Yes!
Wolfgar: I need a tracker... I go back inside, apologize to the innkeeper for my idiotic associate, and knock on the door to the girls' room.
DM: Jodi answers the door.
Wolfgar: Sorry for bothering you, but I need Lyn (my character).
Me: What was all that noise about downstairs?
Jodi: I don't know.
Wolfgar: Benny was being stupid, almost started a rabies outbreak, and ran into the middle of the forest. We need to track him down and bring him in.
Me: I'll grab my crossbow.

We make it pretty far out, following Benny's trail, until we see him standing next to the river. Lyn shoots him in the left leg so we can take him back, because he won't stop trying to run away from us and the DM's ticked at him so she doesn't care.
We end up tying him to his bed and duct taping him down for good measure and leave him the whole night with only a math puzzle book. This is referred to as The Watervole Incident, and Benny will forever live in infamy among our gaming circle. And to think we thought him stealing the shirts of anyone we knocked out or killed was bad...

[AGCIAS]

Six months after I graduated, I went back to college to finish a campaign in two marathon 16 and 18-hour sessions. So, we killed the BBBEG (Reredrum the ranger had to roll 17 or better to hit, even with my magic bow and the thief’s gloves of dexterity, with the multi-multi-buffed arrow of slaying; he rolled a nat. 20) and we were going to loot the treasure cave while the armies of good fought He Who Shall Not Be Named’s (years before Valdemort) army outside of the castle. The guardian of the entry was a clay golem and I took damage that couldn’t be healed by magic short of a Heal spell. We went out into the battle and found a High Priest (lvl 17+), who was fighting some major demon, to ask him to cast the spell. “Um, guys, I’m a little busy here.” WHUMP, one round we pounded it into the ground. “’Oh … okay.”

[rs2excelsior]

Same Hobgoblin Paladin as before. Party is level 3, for reference.

The party is beaten up in a tough fight (which we technically win) with some gnolls, captured by an adult red dragon who is also high priestess of some unknown god, and thrown into a sigil made of burned kobold corpses which sends us to the home plane of this shadow god. We're brought before him in his fortress.

It's pretty clear we aren't meant to fight--we're still depleted from the last fight and this guy is obviously a very high-level spellcaster at the very least. But, he doesn't seem interested in immediately killing us. Instead, he asks for our names. So I do what any self-respecting paladin would do when captured, sent to an unknown plane with no way to get home, and confronted by a powerful evil being styling himself as a god. I step forward (as the rest of the party shrinks back), look him in the eye, and say, "I am Hatholdir, Paladin of the Order of the Black Eagle of St. Cuthbert, and in His most holy name, I will now accept your surrender."

The entire table (OOC) burst out laughing. IC, it got me and the Cleric of Pelor (who backed me up) sent up 300 ft in the air for a few minutes.

---

And another one, this time as a half-orc wizard in 5E. Different campaign and DM, but everyone is involved in the above campaign as well.

Our party was out escorting a caravan with the intent to hunt down some bandits (two sets--one of which was actually us--we were debating setting up a scam along those lines) when we're attacked in the night by aforementioned bandits. The other two wake up... and I consistently fail my constitution save to do so. For something like 5-6 rounds, I snore my way through a battle. When the tiefling eldritch knight picks me up to use as a shield, I keep sleeping. When I'm struck by an arrow in the shoulder... I keep sleeping. I think I finally woke up when the tiefling went unconscious and dropped me. I was in the fight about long enough to thunderwave something and chuck a couple of acid splashes around.

Seriously, I was rolling with advantage eventually, and still couldn't break 10, even with a positive CON modifier. I might have argued that there was no way I could have slept through some of that, but it was funnier just to let it go on.

[AGCIAS]

Excellent definitions of descriptive vs. prescriptive! I will pass it on to my group.


Still 1st Ed. but years later and a different group. I couldn’t make a game but I did not want them without the best (or second best, depending on who you talked to) fighter so told the DM that he could run me as an NPC. When I got back, I found that they had wandered into an alchemical waste dump and suffered random rolls from the Gamma World mutation table. My lizardman fighter got +6d6 damage on attacks (to which the DM said “Bull****, you get 23 strength), and the paladin became the Porcu-paladin.

Not funny but we found it touching. Same game, while we were taking time off to build a castle. The thief borrowed my +3 bullette shield, the porcupaladin’s plate armor and all the rest of the party’s stackable protective items. When we asked him why, he said he just wanted to see what it was like to have AC -20 (now AC 30).

The same group, not funny but the memory always makes me smile so I have to recount it (apologies). We were 8th level, on a long causeway in the middle of a lake or swamp, I forget, when a huge old green dragon [9 HD of 6 points each for 54 HP (about CR 15 now due to the PCs’ greater to hit and damage) with immunity to arrows and three breath attacks for 54 points each] decided to strafe us. I had a javelin of lightning and several javelins of piercing and the rest had nice ranged attacks. First pass missed the lower HP PCs and the rest saved. Not so well the second. Before it could make another pass, which would have killed some of us even with saves, we spread out and had damaged it enough that it landed to go into melee (I guess the DM thought he could avoid ranged spells by going into melee and kill a few of us before the rest could close ranks). Killed it in two rounds, I got green dragon scale armor to go with my bullette shield and became point man, er, monster, in non-magic areas.

[AGCIAS]

This happened in one of my Bureau 13: Stalking the Night Fantastic games. Mike Patton (God, I hope his player isn’t reading this) has a brushed steel DeLorean that he loved. It had pretty much anything you could think of – bulletproof, machine guns (triangulated to 700 meters), a missile launcher, thermite self-destruct. Anyway, the players’ base had, at least the aboveground section, been compromised and the players were going to re-supply from their off-site storage dump. But the bad guys, a splinter group of the Brotherhood of Darkness, had scoped them out pretty well and set up a few heavily armed sentries in an abandoned warehouse across the street. Mike pulled up at the entrance as the players realized that they were drawing fire, and ran into the warehouse. The players moved up the floors on opposite stairwells of the empty, open-plan building. At one point, one of them launched a RAW (rifleman assault weapon) at some dimly seen figures on the opposite side of the building without bothering to ID the targets. Luckily the other party members ducked back into the stairwell and the concrete wall absorbed the brunt of the explosion and no one was badly hurt. But about then I turned to Mike and said, “You hear a ‘WHUMP’ and an explosion.” He looked blankly at me and all the color drained out of his face. He knew what had happened. Twenty years later I mentioned it to him and he got mad at me all over again.

“Duck,” another player, had been captured at the base. Duck got his name after the first two adventures he was in. In one, someone yelled “duck” at him and he looked around and said, “Where?” He got hit but it was worth it. The next adventure, he tried to shoot someone with a MAC 10 on full auto. He rolled so badly that he sprayed over the party’s heads and everyone yelled “DUCK.” Thus Duck was born. Duck was taken to an unfinished office building far north of town for interrogation. But the villains didn’t know he had a tracker on him. If you want to see what his rescue was like, watch the beginning of Mission Impossible III. While the game was nearly two decades before the movie, it was identical except that the players used a Cobra gunship requisitioned from a nearly military base.

[bloopy789]

There was this one time I was DM'ing a small group of players on a homemade adventure. They were visiting a town that was basically under martial law. While visiting an inn, the groups bard meestah wessdog decided to try out an ability he hadn't known he had where he could damage others by shouting at them. After shouting at a man viciously, said man's heart gave out, and the party went to war with the guards, turning the town into a dungeon.

Another time, while fighting a dragon, the group decided it might be easier to kill the dragon from the inside. As I don't like to say no to technically possible ideas, they formulated a plan. Lebron the giant picked up TheRealSunnyD who was a shardmind, and threw him towards the dragons mouth. mid-air, TheRealSunnyD used his teleport ability to transform into tiny crystals to survive the trip down the dragons throat. In the end, the dragon didn't survive very long, as TheRealSunnyD burrowed through it's flesh, and proceeded to use it's heart as a punching bag.

Finally while not as complex, one time, with the same group, TheRealSunnyD and an eladrin named striker were trying to convince the owner of a nightclub (who was also a collector of rare items) to give them more money for their carcass of an extinct spider species. After he refused them, Striker tried throwing knives into each of his guards to force him to give more money. after rolling a 1, however, she instead through one knife into the floor, and one into the ceiling. In the end, they killed the guards through combat, TheRealSunnyD broke the Nightclub owners knees, and they ran.

[dehro]

I'll copypaste something I submitted quite some time ago to "tales from the table" a section of the website for the webcomic tabletitans, which is dedicated to collecting such stories.


Protect the junk!
Meet Kruk, 6th level Dwarven Cleric of Fharlanghn, busy rushing to the aid of his employer/protegée who is under attack at her mansion.

Watch as he gets ambushed along the way by a party of bad guys; a sneaky Assassin, a Monk with extra helpings of acrobatic feats that allow her to jump behind one or the other of her friends and do a crapload of damage, and a few goons armed with alchemist fire.

Being one of the two melee-oriented characters, Kruk doesn't waste time trying to extinguish the alchemist’s fire that is slowly consuming his clothing under his armor, but chooses to cause some damage instead.

In the following rounds I, the player, keep forgetting that Kruk is still on fire and is getting fire damage, which eventually brings him down to only a handful of hit points.

In the meantime the Monk is doing some serious damage of her own, causing several of Kruk's friends to spend most of their time using wands of healing. She jumps behind one or the other, strikes and then manages to take very little damage in return.

Finally I remember to ask the DM if I'm still on fire. He says,"yes, and your clothes have all but gone. if not for your armor you'd be naked."

After checking that she's in range (because the Monk is standing next to Kruk), I tell the DM that, "Kruk uses his last energies to embrace the Monk, flames and all."

One fiery grapple round later Kruk's friends finally manage to slay the Monk who is pinned down by a pile of flaming Dwarf (clad only in a scanty breastplate) and douse the flames that were consuming him, leaving Kruk pretty much on the brink of death, but victorious.

Afterwards, the other players told me it was the most Dwarf-ish thing they had ever seen.

[Harbinger]

While trying to get a plane ticket to Germany in a modern high fantasy game, my players decided to engage in some petty theft. One of them, a changeling sorcerer, distracted the crowd while our githyanki rogue pickpocketed their target. The distraction in question was turning into George Clooney and handing out autographs. When he was finished, he attempted to whip the crowd into a frenzy by transforming into "the ugliest thri-kreen in the world". After they were chased out of the airport, they went to the Empire State Building to "steal the big light".

Another time, same game, they were in the abyss. Two new players had joined. One was a goblin urban druid named Crack Johnny. He was a homeless crack dealer with an Animated dumpster that followed him around. When threatened, he turned into a dumpster himself. This didn't help much, as his Constitution was at 5. He had several vile feats, which led to in-combat phrases such as "I unveil my true legs", or "My mouth opens, revealing the spiders living in my skin". The second player was a pixie paladin of slaughter. This player was not especially active. She just knitted and would occasionally look up and say "I shoot him". Literally every single time she said this she rolled at 20, crit, and killed what ever it was with her tiny AK-47.

Much later, Crack Johnny and several new characters were exploring underwater catacombs. One of these characters was a ranger with a pet T. rex. Crack Johnny decided to make it his mission to get the T. rex hooked on Devil weed, a drug he found in the BoVD. The ranger did not take kindly to this, and spent the rest of the campaign trying to get back at Crack Johnny. He never could, however, because both he and his animal companion were reliant on Johnny for more crack.

Another campaign, but the same players. This was a Star Wars Saga game. The players were in search of an artifact stolen from a crime lord called Quintus. Since Quintus didn't trust them, he sent with them a protocol droid called C3-Q5 to monitor them. They didn't want Quintus monitoring them, so they decided to deploy an electromagnetic pulse to prevent the droids signal from reaching him. So far so good, right? They then decided that the most prudent course of action at that point would be to commandeer the droid's leg. They spent the next two hours of game time coming up with increasingly elaborate schemes to steal its leg. They never quite managed to do it, and eventually they just decided to toss the droid out of the ship.

[Bobb]

From Star Wars Saga Edition:

The players had just discovered the Bad Guys research facility, inside of which they fought enemies who injected themselves with newly developed and highly potent adrenaline and battle stimulants, which I explained to them had serious side effects when they wore off.

Anyhoo, they cut a swath of destruction down to the research and development area where they get to the supplies of said serums, in many varieties when they hear enemy reinforcements coming. One of the players looks for the most powerful serum. He reads the label, which says, "phenomenal boost to reflexes and strength (+10 to attack, damage, and fortitude defense, +2 movement), all subjects died within an hour of the formula being administered."

His teammates had to convince him not to take it.



We did a free-form, roll a d20 if it seems impossible zombie apocalypse game where we were all normal people at an elementary school. I chose to be a janitor. A lot of the children got zombified due to our incompetence but I do remember knocking over a lot of zombie with my push-broom skills, allowing at least some of the people in the school to escape to a later demise.




The first RPG I ever played was a pre-generated StarCraft setup with pre-generated characters. I was some sort of zerg/human hybrid lady (here-bye known as zergan) who could shoot spikes out of her hands like a hydralisk. A good friend of mine was a protoss zealot, best melee damage hands down.

The second part of the adventure featured protoss ruins. We came upon a metal stand or statue with three claw marks in it. My zergan puts her claw fingers over the marks in the statue. Nothing happens. The GM wonders out loud what would happen if the protoss character put His hand over the marks. He does, there's a boring vision. bla bla.

Now the good part. We go inside and there's a computer console with three buttons: red, blue, and yellow. In front of the buttons is some item we need surrounded by a purple force field.

We spend twenty minutes arguing over what button to press. At which time I say, "my character, tired of waiting, pushes everyone aside and presses the blue button!" Everyone in the room takes stun damage from the force field for an incorrect command. Then protoss player says I press the blue button! (because of course it will work for a protoss)

One of our characters is knocked unconscious by the second stun wave (and yes, you did have to press the two buttons that made the color of the force-field together). Good times.

[dehro]

One should never trust a succubus, no matter how grateful she might be.
Near the end of our previous campaign, we had to free the queen of the succubi, in order to gather intelligence on how to defeat the bbeg demon Prince, who happened to be her ex.
After a hard fight we manage to spring her out of her personal pit of void dimension/cell and she reveals to us what we need to know.
The session is over, we start packing up and when we're almost heading towards the door, the master throws at me "since you've got the highest charisma, the queen addresses you and offers to give you the night of your life, in gratitude for putting an end to centuries of imprisonment ".
Thinking it's just a final gag to have a bit of a laugh, I bite.
A dozen Wis and Con rolls later, I stumbled back to my mates, with 16 levels drained, all of my gear and clothes stolen and an unflattering comment on my sexual prowess branded on my forehead.
My DM is a cruel master, also, I'm a dunce

[GuesssWho]

I'm in a game where half the characters are monsters and several of us are evil. Currently, we have a paladin that worships an animated troll skull, a magical girl, a young illithid ('that squid kid'), a nymph druid AKA Poison Ivy, a male drow and a female drider.

At some point we decided that the drow and the drider are in love. A lot of female spiders eat their mates during sex. So the drider is saving up for a resurrection spell so they can actually go on a date. In the mean time the drow spends most of his time finding 'lovers' for his girlfriend and/or cowering in a kind of delighted terror.

[AGCIAS]

Years ago I was in a PBP 2nd Ed. D&D game, Return to the Keep on the Borderlands, on some site or other. There were days and even longer when we had all acted but the DM was too busy to deal with us. So, in order to amuse the players – and myself – I came up with little humorous comments describing things happening elsewhere in the Greyhawk world. They all began with “Meanwhile...” and ended with “This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.” The party found it amusing but the DM never commented on it or took the hint. Most of them I just made up, some I took from games and the rest I converted from jokes. Here are a few.

Meanwhile, in the village of Arumpit near Wooly Bay, Graknel the half-hill giant, half-orc (orcs are a fecund race) plays mumbly peg with Knak Nikneez, the hobbit thief, tossing him into the air in an attempt to get him to stick headfirst into the ground.

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.


Meanwhile, in the Lair of Snord, the Midget Frost Giant, Lettie, a newly minted and rabidly aracnophobic 5th level mage, casts her first (and last) fireball. Sadly, it is targeted at a tiny spider scuttling across the floor in the midst of her party. The spider, which made its saving throws and survived, was eaten by a vole a few hours later.

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.


Meanwhile, in a dungeon near Lake Quag, Bruno the 15th level fighter, after enduring years of verbal abuse by his unpleasantly intelligent sword, snaps and uses a boulder to smash it. Generations of dungeon-crawlers to come will wonder at the miles of green-glass-lined corridors and the huge, spherical amphitheater to which they all lead.

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.
If anyone likes these, I’ll post more.

[Flame of Anor]

Please do, they're quite good.

[AGCIAS]

Okay….

Meanwhile, in the dungeon of Dweft the Nearsighted, after nearly an hour of searching by his party, Tom “Backstabber” Millican the thief is found behind the door which was smashed open by the Minotaur hordes' charge. The wizard Dweft, laboring under an reasonable misapprehension, later hangs an ornate gilt frame around him and holds a wine and cheese party to display his newest acquisition. No one comes -- which is why wizards normally do not let orcs address envelopes.

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.


Meanwhile, in the Spoop Marsh, on the island of Krik Snewer, south of the Hold of the Sea Princes, a young black dragon is overheard telling his friends of a discovery: “No, really! It was incredible. No horns or hooves or fangs or anything! Just soft and pink!”

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.


Meanwhile, in Greyhawk, Bo the Paladin and his party are saved from almost certain death at the claws of a ravening werewolf by the timely intervention of Bo's aging and somewhat senile Aunt Mehidabel. Wielding a rolled-up newspaper and with cries of “Bad dog! Bad dog! DOWN!!!,” she wades into the fray and reduces the creature to a cowering mass of fur. Years later, when he writes his memoirs, Bo will somewhat gloss over this incident.

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.

[Phoenixguard09]

They are brilliant. I think I'm going to have to start pulling some stuff like that out for my group.

[illyahr]

Those are amazing. I especially enjoyed the arachnophobic mage. :smallbiggrin:

[kingtiger13123]

I have few funny stories (Mostly creepy ones), but a couple in particular stick out:

A Lesser Drow Rogue who for almost a whole session, rolled loads of nat 20s right before our eyes. He was rolling them out in the middle of the table, so we all knew he wasn't lying about them. He used this to: Win initiative in two fights, Kill an Ice Elemental with raw damage from his crit, and INSTAKILL A BOSS BY ROLLING 2 20s IN A ROW. We were stunned. DM rolled his dice a couple times to make sure he wasn't cheating, and we decided he wasn't.

Same campaign, another guy playing a Gnome Bard was in a tavern, fooling around like the CN SoB he was, decided to light a crossbow bolt on fire and then fire it in the tavern. He hit a barrel of whiskey, and the whole place went up, and then half the town burned down due to this. I ask the DM if I can roll a spot check to see if I know who did this, DM says sure. One 23 later, everyone knows it's him. That was swiftly retconned out.

Same campaign again, I'm playing a Paladin of Freedom, worshiping Kord, when our party wizard gets turned to stone. I tell the gnome bard to play the ballad of Kord so he could help, and the bard just barely makes the 30 required to get a god's attention. DM doesn't know what Kord looks like, so I pull out Deities and Demigods to show him the picture. Based on the illustration, he decided that the best voice for Kord was... Macho Man Randy Savage. Good thing laughter wasn't in character, or I would've lost my powers for disrespecting my god.

[AGCIAS]

Mmmmm ... "Special" mount....

And been there, seen that with the 20s. OTOH, I had a series of games full of rotten rolls recently; including one game where I hit three times and think I saved twice.

More Meanwhiles.

Meanwhile, in The Sovereign Municipality of Orz (whose name is longer than it is), Chip, the were-squirrel/thief discovers the lengths to which a lich will go for vengeance against someone who stole his nuts.

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.


Meanwhile, in the Lortmils, Horst the Rogue is given the terrible choice of abandoning his recently gained treasure to return and free his friends from the band of goblins who captured them. Later that year, in Greyhawk, Horst endows a small shrine to their memory.

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.

[goto124]

So... did Horst save his friends or the treasure? Did he set up a shrine for his friends or the treasure?

[illyahr]

Meanwhile, in The Sovereign Municipality of Orz (whose name is longer than it is), Chip, the were-squirrel/thief discovers the lengths to which a lich will go for vengeance against someone who stole his nuts.

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.

:smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin::smallbi ggrin:

[Sir Rom]

To situate the readers, we are in a 3.5 campaign that uses the corruption rules from ravenloft or elder evils if I remember right. With most of the player having common sense, well i might have been the exception, but you'll find out in the story why that is.

players :
GM-
player 1 : half-gaint/dwarf cleric with inquisitor prc
player 2 : elf druid
player 3 : human(more of a native type of human) binder
player 4 (me) : silverbrow crusader

So the story begins with the gang ending up in a the place where the lethander olympycs would take place in honor of the god Lethander(healing god, hates undead and most evil things) himself. In the first day of the olympics we have to swim upriver and our elf druid almost drowned with me just getting him out of the water ( hooray for massive strenght and that rank in swim). In the ended well, but we would have lots of fun. But the olympics didnt end up as hilarous as the main plot did.

Over some time we found out that the lord of dread from ravenloft was trying to destroy the world of fearun with these wierd rocks that emitted negative energy. At one point my crusader after having just defeated a cultist who sacrificed a solar angel on the NE altar ( BTW only my crusader just heard her saying that we had the power within to save the world, basicly chosen ones, the rest didnt.)

So after we killed the female cultist, I on a whim said guys we have to gather the remains of the solar angel ( whom we had grown attached to), so i plunged my hand in the remains of her dust to put it in a holy pouch. this is the conversation that followed.
GM : make me a will save
me : 1
GM : you think its absolutly safe to touch them, go do it ( as he chuckels)
me : i touch the remains and try to put them in the bag
GM : make me a will save
me : 1
GM : roll another one
me : 1
GM : again
me : 1
GM : well you just got multiple personality disorder and hear whispers that your friends want to kill you, oh and you became CE.
me : well damm,( OOG : guys might have made a big mistake )

As time went on we had to retreat from the forrest because the undead were popping up evrywhere but my character ran away to them and let himself get taken. And got turned into a Death knight template. Only after babbling about hearing voiced to a ravenloft god that told him not to join them. And well, between dying and becoming undead he didnt have many options after that.

But the best thing starts here, in a previous session the NPC head druidess had somewhat insulted my crusader after the took responsability for killing a tiger ( boo-hoo greenpeace druids ). And in a blut of word he said : hey big evil boss want me to kill that druidess, kinda feel like it now. And thats how a druid grove got animal entrails all over the trees as decoration and a sliced of tongue and fingers from that same druidess. Who was taken back and turned into a anti-druid. I did also leave behind 'bitches need stiches' on the druids grove wall in blood.

In the end my crusader was caught by the party and put on trail by the city for murder of a druid and defilment, that and turning to the dark side. In the end i got free after a huge dip check and proving i was under mind controll, that and how bad the public secruity was of the place ( there is proof of gaint/huge spiders, and the city gaurd sends in only 4 adventurers ). And thats how i got a halfling and two possibly incestous druid siblings( not our druid ) to hate my character.

[Slarg]

Game of Vampire the Masquerade

Group is as follows
Myself: Malkavian. That Crazy Bastard with a bum leg.
A Vampire Stripper Toreador
A Hulking 7 foot tall 300 lb Brujah (Fighter) (He has someone tracking him down to kill him, as per his backstory)
A British Ventrue (Bard)
A Tremur (Wizard-ish (What passes for one))
DM

So our first session was being introduced to the general story, finding our Vampire Overlord, and getting into a gun fight. Someone (We won't discuss who) decided it would be a smart idea to listen to the voices in his head and start feeding in the middle of the street. Pictures were taken, but due to the cops showing up, we needed to make a run for it before they discovered us in the middle of a bunch of dead bodies covered in blood.

So we get approached by a Nosferatu and told to A) Burn the bodies of our victims because "Certain people" will know that they were vampire victims, and B) Find and deal with the person who took pictures; we had two nights to do this before being deemed too dangerous to the Masquerade to live

We make up a plan; we start a riot (Brujah had a biker gang he was a part of and I had a bunch of Hobos I have as "Legitimate sources of Info"), pretend that I with my bum leg get injured, we go into the police station, find the bodies, burn them, and delete the police records.


It should be noted that my character, The Crazy Malkavian Bastard, is spoken to by voices in his head (The GM hands me notes of things that may or may not be true) It is also to be noted that he's a conspiracy theorist, afraid of Them taking over the world. That's going to be important.

The Brujah and Toreador stay behind as back up (They have the most combat skills in the party) and the Malkavian, Ventrue, and Temuire head inside

So everything goes entirely according to plan..... up to the point where we walk in the front door. I'm screaming my head off bloody murder style, to which the police officers react accordingly; two of them come to help and then (strike one) call an ambulance (Yes, we really didn't think that was a possibility of happening). Then, as I am screaming my head off, my fellow party members aren't doing anything (Strike 2). So I'm waiting for SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING I'M DISTRACTING THEM, when the DM hands me a note: "The Guard who is tending your leg is giving you dirty looks. He's one of THEM!"

I bolt up in my chair and shout "I punch him in the face!" DM's eyes get huge. "You sure?" "Yes, he's one of THEM!"

As the guard standing over me is knocked out, the Ventrue dominates the other cop into finding out where the bodies are, and the Ambulance shows up with the medics crashing through the door. The Malkavian, thinking on his feet, asks the DM if they can see his legs from where they are standing. On a No, he punctures a hole in the dudes leg with his finger and says that he has been injured and is bleeding out. The Ventrue and Temuire understand what Malk is doing, so the Ventrue dominates the cop into thinking he shot him and the Temuire tells the medics that they were the ones they needed an ambulance for. The story sells, and we find ourselves in a now hostile police station (They heard us fighting and barricaded rather than come to the rescue).

Since we realized we were in it, we signaled the other two to join us and suddenly see Toreador flying towards the door because the Brujah just wanted to throw something.

The Malk, the only one with any sort of computer skills, finds the police records database during the firefight and hears his voices again; "The police know about THEM!" The Malk proceeded to be useless the rest of the fight as he typed Them into Search and was flabbergasted as 1,200 individual hits popped up as he tried to read them all and connect the dots.

So, after the fire fight we find the bodies, grab some sort of flammable chemical, douse the bodies in it, create some Molotovs, and proceed to light the entire precinct on fire. As we are running out the back door, the guy hunting our Brujah shows up with his posse.

The Brujah took Max Ranks in his Hunted Flaw, which meant this guy was a serious threat, Brujah knew it, the DM knew it, the rest of us didn't. All we knew is that the Brujah Noped, grabbed everyone (His strength was as high as it could be), and pulled us back through the burning building and out the front door, with the Malk going absolutely insane because of the fire (One of the very few ways to permanently kill a Vampire).


The absolute funniest thing was that the DM was telling us afterwards that we completely did exactly the opposite of what he had planned; we were supposed to either use the Stripper or the Bard to distract that guards while the rest of us took care of business, in and out in five minutes, to have the epic story driven fire fight he had planned with the Hunter. We spent an hour and a half purging the police station, and then ran away in five minutes from the Hunter XD

[AGCIAS]

So... did Horst save his friends or the treasure? Did he set up a shrine for his friends or the treasure?

I guess you pays your money an' you takes your choice.

[goto124]

I don't get all those 'This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it' stories. Why are they particularly funny? All they all references to certain DnD adventures? Or something else entirely?

[AGCIAS]

I guess you pays your money an' you takes your choice.

Just like any "good" thief, he kept the money and used a little to set up a shrine to his dead friends' memory.

[AGCIAS]

I don't get all those 'This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it' stories. Why are they particularly funny? All they all references to certain DnD adventures? Or something else entirely?

As I posted before, these were the result of a PBP game where the DM regularly left us hanging for long periods. I did it to amuse the other players (it worked) when nothing was happening, drawing from my imagination, games and jokes converted to D&D. Sorry you didn't find them funny.

Meanwhile, in Lama Süd, Coriz the Infallible makes his first mistake when he hires the lowest bidder, an oscish catering firm, to cater the party celebrating his ascension to 18th level. An hour, and several appetizers, into the party, Coriz discovers the answer to the twin questions of why the caterer's bid was so low and where his guests are.

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.


Meanwhile, in the dungeon under the Temple of Candor in Flax, Jarrd Nebble the wizard, reaches for his Wall of Force scroll to stop the horde of charging Death-Vomiters ™, (Pat. Pend.) only to hear from behind him Dibly Lightfingers pushing his way forward from the rear of the party, shouting “Sorry, I think I have that, my fault, my fault, here it is, just fell into my pack, sorry, sorry.” After drinking twelve healing potions and receiving a neutralize poison and a cure disease, and spending three days cleaning his magic books, robe of eyes and component pouches, Jarrd begins researching how to permanize an itch spell on a hobbit.

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.

[Lord Torath]

I don't get all those 'This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it' stories. Why are they particularly funny? All they all references to certain DnD adventures? Or something else entirely?Looks like they're just silly stories. I don't think they generally reference specific places on Greyhawk, just made-up-on-the-spur-of-the-moment locations and characters doing silly things. I especially loved the half-orc/half-hill giant playing mumbly-peg with the halfling!

[GuesssWho]

I did spot a Far Side reference, though!

[Drake2009]

Ok so its the final boss showdown. We've managed to trap this God/Super AI (like, actually able to cast divine spells) into ONE robot scorpion. After nearly an hour of combat, its pretty low health, and trying to talk us down. Telling us how a DIFFERENT GOD/ Super AI is worse than him. So i roll sense motive.... With my +13, i can tell hes lying like a b*tch. So i walk towards him slowly.

Meanwhile, our gunslinger is grappled, in the air as a meatshield, but slowly pouring gunpowder in the arm. Our sorcerer was prepping a fireball too... I walk up, playing with my sling and say "Oh well, maybe we should sit and tal- ROCK. I hit him.... in the face....with a rock. A magic rock SURE but a rock none the less. He croaks. "Oh yes now thaaaa......" Needless to say, the gunslinger is pissed. Course we cant just have it that easy, so the place is gonna blow. Long story short, we book it (I GRABBED A SOUVENIR) and were running out a tunnle, and through an exploding colloseum, our gunslinger doing a spider man with two spike guns, and me carrying a giant laser scorpion tail (thank you bulls strength, and Ant haul)...

We get out unscathed, and stop in front of a crowd. I point out my button, which i made with stone shape, proudly displaying the words "I killed a God.... WITH A ROCK." Our ratfolk allies walk up, point at me and say "Yeah! Were with him! Anyone wanna mess with us?!"
About a 100 miles away, and two weeks later, the head priest of the village is reading a report of the incident. Flipping through the pages he looks and sees the same thing... over and over. "I killed a God.... WITH A ROCK". *sigh...* GROCKOOOO!

Ps: Oh and i forgot to mention, my construct monkey was standing guard in my pack.... I sent the goblin sorcerer to grab some potions. "Ok fine i can ge- AAAHH" Seeing a goblin attacked by a robot monkey is a sight to see...

[AGCIAS]

Looks like they're just silly stories. I don't think they generally reference specific places on Greyhawk, just made-up-on-the-spur-of-the-moment locations and characters doing silly things. I especially loved the half-orc/half-hill giant playing mumbly-peg with the halfling!

That one is my favorite, too. It just popped into my mind and started the whole thing.

Meanwhile, near the entrance to the Valley of the Mage, Corin, the Anti-paladin, hears a rumor that the Master Wizard Bertum the Flatulent is seeking the Cuddly White Mouse of Death; described by local peasants as having wickedly sharp teeth, terrible, beady eyes and tiny, prickly claws that tickle horribly when it runs up your leg, “but it's just so darn CUDDLY!” Sadly, Matilda, the party wizard, loves mice and befriends it before Corin can slay and skin it, unknowingly saving Corin from a horrendous death by asphyxiation.

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.

[AGCIAS]

I did spot a Far Side reference, though!

And good catch, Guess. When I steal, I only steal from the best.:smallbiggrin:

[BoardPep]

All this mention of Horst reminds me of an NPC by the same name used in multiple games I've run.

The funny part about it? Though he made it into three games (four if you count the game I didn't even play/run in), he was only included naturally into the first game. The other games, the players saw something that reminded them of Horst and just kind of... made him happen. Here's the story of Horst.

I was running an experimental campaign where we were doing Dual DMs. Me and another DM (let's call him Dee) both ran the game, with him focusing on the environment and story, and me focusing on roleplaying most of the NPCs and running combat. The game started with a Tarrasque attack on Baldur's Gate (at level 1) as all normal games should (kidding of course). The entire city, including the party, evacuated via boats into the ocean. After some other incident that I can't remember, the party and a few nameless unarmed NPCs (intended for death) ended up on a lifeboat. They floated into a deep mysterious mist and ended up in Ravenloft. Their first encounter? Two sharks that started circling their boat. The party fought them off easily enough, but the NPCs contributed where they could. One was eaten and another couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. But one of them had rolled a 20 and finished off one of the sharks, the attack being described as a punch to the head, cracking the shark's skull. The party decided this guy was awesome and asked his name. A bit of quick thinking and he was named Horst and described as a burly sailor.

They fought many dark and fearsome creatures upon reaching shore, easily losing the other unnamed NPC, but fought tooth and nail to keep Horst alive. It wasn't until 3 or 4 sessions in before anybody questioned why Horst's AC was so low, or why he was punching things. They had neglected to give him weapons or offer to buy him armor of some sort. He was used to fighting this way, being a sailor. Somebody boasted "Horst doesn't need armor" and tossed him a dagger, and that was that. Later, they came accross a town where children were going missing. At one point, Horst had gone missing too. Though we were going to use this opportunity to get rid of him, the party was adamant about finding him, almost being upset about his absense. I decided to leave it up to chance and rolled a dice to see if he would survive. Another 20. While searching near the docks, the party heard a splash as a grizzled looking Horst pulled himself up from below the docks, dagger in his mouth, his clothes in tatters, missing two fingers, and covered in more blood than he could possibly own. Out of breath he says "I've seen... I've seen...". One of the party members asks "What did you see Horst?". Horst takes a deep breath and then bellows...

"TERRRRRRRRIBLE THINGS"

And with that, Horst was cemented into the game as it's center point. Using his catchphrase any time possible. The player started making up more and more of his physical descriptions. "Horst doesn't bathe. He's covered in dirt and crusty barnicles from head to toe." When that game ended, I thought we'd seen the last of Horst.

Of course not.

I decided to start a grand idea of a campaign. A pirate game with 10 players at the same time. It was going well and eventually split into two 5-player groups on different ships (part of a fleet of pirates). Of course, it didn't take long before one of the players noted that a burly sailor NPC on the ship MUST be Horst. The player who did know him spoke of his greatness, and the players who didn't listened in awe. When the players found a new ship and decided to split parties, there was only logical thing they would want to name the ship...

The S.S. Terrible Things.

But such a ship wouldn't be complete without a proper figurehead at the front of the ship right? So they crafted a lifesize nude replica of Horst (barnicles and all) on the front of the ship with his "manhood" being solid iron and stretching 8 feet off of the ship. They liked to use it for ramming. Which they did a lot. Sigh.

[goto124]

That one is my favorite, too. It just popped into my mind and started the whole thing.

Meanwhile, near the entrance to the Valley of the Mage, Corin, the Anti-paladin, hears a rumor that the Master Wizard Bertum the Flatulent is seeking the Cuddly White Mouse of Death; described by local peasants as having wickedly sharp teeth, terrible, beady eyes and tiny, prickly claws that tickle horribly when it runs up your leg, “but it's just so darn CUDDLY!” Sadly, Matilda, the party wizard, loves mice and befriends it before Corin can slay and skin it, unknowingly saving Corin from a horrendous death by asphyxiation.

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.

But the lady wizard died happy right? -cuddles-

[Inevitability]

All this mention of Horst reminds me of an NPC by the same name used in multiple games I've run.

The funny part about it? Though he made it into three games (four if you count the game I didn't even play/run in), he was only included naturally into the first game. The other games, the players saw something that reminded them of Horst and just kind of... made him happen. Here's the story of Horst.

I was running an experimental campaign where we were doing Dual DMs. Me and another DM (let's call him Dee) both ran the game, with him focusing on the environment and story, and me focusing on roleplaying most of the NPCs and running combat. The game started with a Tarrasque attack on Baldur's Gate (at level 1) as all normal games should (kidding of course). The entire city, including the party, evacuated via boats into the ocean. After some other incident that I can't remember, the party and a few nameless unarmed NPCs (intended for death) ended up on a lifeboat. They floated into a deep mysterious mist and ended up in Ravenloft. Their first encounter? Two sharks that started circling their boat. The party fought them off easily enough, but the NPCs contributed where they could. One was eaten and another couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. But one of them had rolled a 20 and finished off one of the sharks, the attack being described as a punch to the head, cracking the shark's skull. The party decided this guy was awesome and asked his name. A bit of quick thinking and he was named Horst and described as a burly sailor.

They fought many dark and fearsome creatures upon reaching shore, easily losing the other unnamed NPC, but fought tooth and nail to keep Horst alive. It wasn't until 3 or 4 sessions in before anybody questioned why Horst's AC was so low, or why he was punching things. They had neglected to give him weapons or offer to buy him armor of some sort. He was used to fighting this way, being a sailor. Somebody boasted "Horst doesn't need armor" and tossed him a dagger, and that was that. Later, they came accross a town where children were going missing. At one point, Horst had gone missing too. Though we were going to use this opportunity to get rid of him, the party was adamant about finding him, almost being upset about his absense. I decided to leave it up to chance and rolled a dice to see if he would survive. Another 20. While searching near the docks, the party heard a splash as a grizzled looking Horst pulled himself up from below the docks, dagger in his mouth, his clothes in tatters, missing two fingers, and covered in more blood than he could possibly own. Out of breath he says "I've seen... I've seen...". One of the party members asks "What did you see Horst?". Horst takes a deep breath and then bellows...

"TERRRRRRRRIBLE THINGS"

And with that, Horst was cemented into the game as it's center point. Using his catchphrase any time possible. The player started making up more and more of his physical descriptions. "Horst doesn't bathe. He's covered in dirt and crusty barnicles from head to toe." When that game ended, I thought we'd seen the last of Horst.

Of course not.

I decided to start a grand idea of a campaign. A pirate game with 10 players at the same time. It was going well and eventually split into two 5-player groups on different ships (part of a fleet of pirates). Of course, it didn't take long before one of the players noted that a burly sailor NPC on the ship MUST be Horst. The player who did know him spoke of his greatness, and the players who didn't listened in awe. When the players found a new ship and decided to split parties, there was only logical thing they would want to name the ship...

The S.S. Terrible Things.

But such a ship wouldn't be complete without a proper figurehead at the front of the ship right? So they crafted a lifesize nude replica of Horst (barnicles and all) on the front of the ship with his "manhood" being solid iron and stretching 8 feet off of the ship. They liked to use it for ramming. Which they did a lot. Sigh.

Ah yes, PC's adopting NPC's. I once had to deal with something like that, too.

Then I had said NPC get killed by his own hand. Yeah, I'm a cruel DM.

[AGCIAS]

For I have seen TEEERRRRIBLE THINGS. (To the tune of "Sing to the Lord a new song.")

Wonderful tale. I have never had quite that problem but often had NPCs the players trusted more than some of the other players, but that was just good judgment.

[AGCIAS]

Meanwhile, in an underwater cave near the Keep on the Borderlands, the fighter Roderick, having tied his rope around a rotting corpse that he recently found, gives three tugs on the rope; the sign to be pulled out. JJ, the "expert treasure finder," expecting to see a hale and hearty, or at least living, Roderick emerge from the river, finds himself hauling in a totally different catch and expires noisily from a tiny hobbit heart attack. Roderick picks up the easiest 87 XP he ever made.

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.


Meanwhile, in Tansatler, near Thoom, the recently vested cleric Moria Gundy receives a baptism in fire when he discovers the not unalloyed horrors of the zombie bimbette lapdancers of the Moulin Noir.

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.

[Lord Torath]

Meanwhile, in Tansatler, near Thoom, the recently vested cleric Moria Gundy receives a baptism in fire when he discovers the not unalloyed horrors of the zombie bimbette lapdancers of the Moulin Noir.Huh. What are "alloyed horrors"? :smallconfused: The Zombie Bimbette Lapdancers are/provide "not unalloyed horror", with the double negative implying "alloyed horror". Presumably we're melting and combining types of horror, like with metals (and Justice, which is a non-corrodable metal)?

[dehro]

Huh. What are "alloyed horrors"? :smallconfused: The Zombie Bimbette Lapdancers are/provide "not unalloyed horror", with the double negative implying "alloyed horror". Presumably we're melting and combining types of horror, like with metals (and Justice, which is a non-corrodable metal)?

http://www.quickmeme.com/img/7b/7ba2d0f390ec0edb79337b32027deeda2fcad3c8f81d38a5a6 26c87c144c68fe.jpg

[illyahr]

http://www.quickmeme.com/img/7b/7ba2d0f390ec0edb79337b32027deeda2fcad3c8f81d38a5a6 26c87c144c68fe.jpg

Ok, that made me giggle. :smallbiggrin:

[Tovical]

I am trying to be more open-minded as a DM, say yes more often instead of "I don't think the rules allow that." My players include a half-orc ranger and a gnome rogue that rides around in that ranger's backpack. The ranger considers the gnome to be something of a pet.

So, the party comes to a door in the dungeon and the ranger gets a huge grin on his face and says, "I throw my gnome at the door." (presumably to bash the door in)

We're playing 5e, so in the spirit of saying yes, I think for a minute and say, "Okay, make a strength check." The ranger is thinking, awesome, and success on his check.

What he didn't know is that I figured his use of the gnome qualifies as using it as an improvised weapon. I shake my head in what I imagine is a very DM-ish way, shrug, and say, "Okay, roll a d4 and add your strength modifier. Then your gnome takes that much damage."

The look on his face was priceless, but what's really funny is that with the panic (and hilarity) that ensued from reducing "Gnomey" to 2 HP by throwing him against a door, everyone (including me) forgot about asking if the door was even affected.

[AGCIAS]

Huh. What are "alloyed horrors"? :smallconfused: The Zombie Bimbette Lapdancers are/provide "not unalloyed horror", with the double negative implying "alloyed horror". Presumably we're melting and combining types of horror, like with metals (and Justice, which is a non-corrodable metal)?

Curses! Parsing, my old nemesis. Well, alloyed is " mixed," so unalloyed is un-mixed and ... oh, never mind.

"Even the most heartfelt of beliefs can be eroded over time!"

[Bread Sticks]

So.. here's a story

Four friends and I just got into D&D and this happened on our 3rd session.

Our Dwarven cleric got a temporary blessing from a statue that gave him +6 charisma but he walked into a shadow.
The rest of us failed at getting the shadow off of him, with me, the Elven ranger failing at backflips and landing into the shadow as well.
After 10 minutes we still hadn't figured out how to escape without getting our souls sucked out.
Our DM let's us do almost whatever we want to as long as the dice allow it, and guess what? Our Dwarf tried to get the shadow to fall in love with him. As luck would have it, it was a female,
and he kept getting ridiculously high rolls. '16,20,18,20...' etc etc. It worked.

we got away, but Brain Thunderfoot lost 9 strength from almost getting his soul sucked out.

[GuesssWho]

So there's a D20 Stargate SG1 game, and my friends and I were testing it out the other day.

Our level 6 group blew up Thoth with ALL THE C4. It was great.

[PrincessCupcake]

It's not often a player gets to cement a deity in the minds of the masses, save an innocent maiden, freak out an elder vampire, and steal a powerful holy artifact in the same act. So when we thought of swapping out the virgin sacrifice for one of our own, our changeling wizard volunteered. A "girl" got thrown down a shaft so she could "fly up and into the heavens". The vampire was VERY surprised when "she" actually did. BEST. SURPRISE. ATTACK. EVER.

[AGCIAS]

So there's a D20 Stargate SG1 game, and my friends and I were testing it out the other day.

Our level 6 group blew up Thoth with ALL THE C4. It was great.

That's a LOT of C4. In that vein....

Meanwhile, far away in Po Chinga, Jedi Master Hadafa Tet finds that “These are not the androids you are looking for” has little affect on the patrons of the irritating auto-brothel across the street.

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.


Meanwhile, in a hermit's hut on Thadder Wold, Charspark the Mysterious looks out his window and thinks, “You know, I'd really like to set that guy over there on fire, but its such a LOOOOONG way to walk.” And to this we owe the invention of the “Fireball” spell. (Yes, I know that spells are “discovered” not “invented.” Live with it)

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.

[GuesssWho]

I tend to play really nutty characters. The latest example wasn't in D&D, but I had a Whateley witch in Deadlands that tried to eat a ghost. It was pretty great.

[SingularByte]

Here's a couple of stories. The first is mine, the other is being posted on behalf of a friend.

In one of my spirit of the century adventures, the players were tasked with finding the source of an immortal African business magnate's power. After a bit of searching, they discovered two main locations of interest - a Berber monument and a set of ruins in a nearby rainforest. Under the monument was an ancestral spirit of near limitless power, sealed inside layers of eldritch runes which were draining away all of its energy. As player characters are wont to do, they started hitting the runes until they exploded upwards, devestating the monument above and causing nationwide panic. The spirit, freed from its prison, then thanked the party and offered to aid them if they needed anything. However, the only character able to understand its native language promptly ignored it and walked off.

When the characters then went to the rainforest, they ended up in a bit of a fight with some hostile spirits in a building while Seamus O'Reily, the biggest troublemaker in the party, snuck off down to the basement and found a gigantic basin with more of the eldritch runes, and more of the trapped spirits. He then promptly climbed in, walked around a bit, and found that the eldritch prison wouldn't allow him to just step out again.

By this point, the rest of the party caught up and quickly noticed Seamus' predicament. After a quick discussion, they agreed to just break the runes again, which one again released a tremendous amount of light and energy upwards, and when the light cleared, the spirits were drifting away, and Seamus was gone.

The party then climbed out of the decimated building, and started heading back to the nearest city in shock at the loss of their friend, pausing only briefly as one of Seamus' slightly singed shoes dropped out of the sky to land beside them.

Once they'd returned to the city, they started on the final step of their task - to bankrupt the now mortal magnate. Over several days, they set up elaborate schemes to discredit him with his investors and take over key parts of the market. After the final discussions with the investors, they came face to face with the one person they didn't expect - Seamus O'Reily.

Now there's something you should know about Seamus. His backstory literally includes walking through minefields unharmed, and running across battlefields without being shot or hit by mortars. He is Unkillable, and has the Luck of the Irish to support it.

The first words out of Seamus' mouth upon meeting the party again were "Oh my god you guys, how did you not see me up in the tree I landed in! I even threw my shoe at you and you just ignored it and left!"

Cleric Dwarf
Halfling Bard
Elf Wizard

Our level one party set up on the road going from major city to the next. Being poor, they had to travel on foot on a long and arduous journey which, with the exception of the elf, was slow going and caused the Halfling bard to complain. A lot.

Now, as a GM is wont to do, he tossed in a couple of low level encounters to break up the monotony; one of which was your standard crashed cart. Suspecting there was more to this unfortunate crash, we approach cautiously and are immediately set upon by an NPC in the tree line firing bolts. The dwarf cleric immediately springs into action, taking care of the bandits feigning injury by the cart while the bard and wizard do their work on the third one skulking in the shade.

We were meant to scare them off … not annihilate them and be left with their possessions.

They were bandits and we had no way of returning their ill gotten gains to the rightful owners so we, as a party, took it. Now the thing of it is, carts are faster than pedestrians but they aren’t as fast as horses. The Halfling, in a fit of inspiration, decided that they could save more time if he could get the beasts to go faster.

His solution?

Using presditigitation, he gave them go faster stripes.

[goto124]

Using presditigitation, he gave them go faster stripes.

But did it work?

[SingularByte]

But did it work?

Not in the slightest.

[AGCIAS]

I tend to play really nutty characters. The latest example wasn't in D&D, but I had a Whateley witch in Deadlands that tried to eat a ghost. It was pretty great.

What did it taste like? Chicken?

[GuesssWho]

What did it taste like? Chicken?

Pork, probably, people are supposed to :smallbiggrin:

Although since it was a ghost it might have only tasted like the smell of pork LOL

[Brion]

My favorite stories go back to the deliciously evil hobgoblin ranger, Gronk Seventoes, I played in a pirate campaign. Here's a few that I can remember

- Once, we were in some waters that we needed to swim out of but we thought they may be shark infested. No one rolled well on our perceptions so we didn't see anything. As the first mate of the ship, I decided to test the waters... by throwing an unnamed member of the crew into the water. He was torn apart in seconds.

- We had a powerful guild angry with us for the way we were conducting business in the region so they sent some low level chumps to send a message. After we dispatched the thugs, I chopped off their heads and shipped them in boxes to the guild. They didn't like that so they sent much higher level enemies. We barely survived the fight, but I most certainly did the same thing with the heads. Unfortunately that was where the campaign kind of stalled so I didn't get to do it again.

- We were going to talk to some NPC but when we got there, she was being carried away by a giant wasp. Since none of us could fly, we needed to bring it down quick. I was working on archery feats but didn't have Precise Shot just yet.
Me: Well, I don't really care if I hit the woman. Can I make a roll to shoot at the wasp without the melee penalty?
DM: Sure. But if your attack narrowly misses, it hits her. If the attack hits, give me a percentile roll to see which of the two you hit.

The attack hit, the percentile roll hit the wasp, and it went down. Gronk was reveling in victory, but still a little disappointed he didn't hit the NPC.

[Koran Redaxe]

I have a mildly amusing story from a 3.5e game. Keep in mind that this was the first time these players had done
anything but dungeon crawls.
Cast:
DM-me
Lv 5 elf Rogue
Lv 5 elf Druid
Lv 5 gold dwarf Warmage
Lv 3 dwarf Wizard/ 2 Master Specialist (Complete Mage)

The Wizard was a bit mad with the power of his new 3rd level spells, mainly fireball, and was specialised in necromancy. The party's base had just been attacked by a group of low level fighters and rogues. The party had traced one of them back to his wife, Gertha. For some reason, the wizard was doing all the talking, despite having 8 charisma and no ranks in diplomacy, intimidate or bluff. Anyway, the party had found the wife and the wizard stated that 'We are looking for your husband, do you have any idea where we might find him?' However, before he got a chance to roll, the warmage, who had int 15 and cha 18, said 'I know where he is!' and pulled his corpse out of a bag of holding and dumped it on the floor:smalleek:. This caused Gertha to faint. The party decided to bring her back to base for interrogation. Eventually the wizard got the information they needed and left the choice of what to do with Gertha up to the rest of the party. The druid then decided to seduce her saying "You were to one who kidnapped and interrogated her, so she wont hate me." He continued to use logic like that for the rest of the campaign. The best bit was that my notes just listed the DC's to get the information and a little about Gertha's personality.

The campaign broke down about three sessions later

[GuesssWho]

So I had a Deadlands game last night, and it was the craziest **** ever.

We were supposed to infiltrate Southern territory. This wouldn't have been a bad idea, maybe, except that the group consisted of a bankrobber who went by the alias Rob Banks, a New England dandy with no clue how he got roped into this, a screaming lunatic Northern patriot with 12 guns and the illiteracy hindrance and a mad witch Whateley whose only ability to understand normal humans came from advice whispered to her by her conjoined twin.

Needless to say, hilarity ensued big-time.

There was a drunken dandy trying desperately to get away from a very lonely witch. There was a screaming lunatic moron starting a gunfight right in front of the town Marshal when a barkeep in the Deep South refused to take Union money. There was a rampaging mob looking for the witch, who wisely decided to jump out a window and skip town from there.

Currently the patriot is in jail, the witch is in hiding outside of town and the other two are pretending they know nothing about any of this.

[Dire Moose]

I am trying to be more open-minded as a DM, say yes more often instead of "I don't think the rules allow that." My players include a half-orc ranger and a gnome rogue that rides around in that ranger's backpack. The ranger considers the gnome to be something of a pet.

So, the party comes to a door in the dungeon and the ranger gets a huge grin on his face and says, "I throw my gnome at the door." (presumably to bash the door in)

We're playing 5e, so in the spirit of saying yes, I think for a minute and say, "Okay, make a strength check." The ranger is thinking, awesome, and success on his check.

What he didn't know is that I figured his use of the gnome qualifies as using it as an improvised weapon. I shake my head in what I imagine is a very DM-ish way, shrug, and say, "Okay, roll a d4 and add your strength modifier. Then your gnome takes that much damage."

The look on his face was priceless, but what's really funny is that with the panic (and hilarity) that ensued from reducing "Gnomey" to 2 HP by throwing him against a door, everyone (including me) forgot about asking if the door was even affected.

Newton's Third Law suggests they both took 1d4+Str damage.

[goto124]

Gnome: Ow!
Door: Ow!
Gnome: Wait.

[oball]

Recently we were on the trail of a hidden wereboar cult in the city, and tracked them to (possibly) a fancy fashion boutique, which we decided merited further investigation. Myself (ifrit oracle, currently using Disguise Self to appear human) and the elf ranger (both the characters are women) decided to go inside posing as customers, while the human rogue/fighter (a dude) kept watch.

So essentially, we both went in and got makeovers, while he hid outside in a cold, muddy alley.

[Lvl 2 Expert]

Newton's Third Law suggests they both took 1d4+Str damage.

Unless the door had a hardness/damage reduction.

But yes, I agree in principle, it's the same roll.

In the spirit of the game though, I just hope some old mostly deaf person opened the door, having heard someone knock.

[Draconium]

Okay, I've got one from when I was DMing for a few friends in 3.5 D&D.

I had decided to run an apocalyptic scenario for the world, so my friends rolled up a few characters at, IIRC, ECL 5. Their actual level was about an average of two or three, though, because of they all went with a monstrous race with a Level Adjustment. I believe the party consisted of a Drow Ranger (not a Drizz't knockoff, he was a "classic" evil Drow), a Poisondusk Lizardfolk Ranger (yep, two Rangers), and a Grimlock Rogue.

Anyways, after we had gotten a bit into the session, they were walking through a forest and ended up at the base of a mountain range. They found a cave, and decided to check it out, see if there was anything or anyone in there. At this point, I rolled, using a custom apocalyptic encounter chart to determine what they would find in the cave.

I rolled up the Tarrasque. The hardest one to roll on the entire chart.

I almost rerolled it, but in the end, I decided "why not?" So my plaers went into the cave and stumbled upon the Tarrasque, who was hibernating in the depths of the cave. Now, at this point, I was expecting them to leave it be. They didn't have the power or equipment to handle a Tarrasque, and it was deep in slumber anyways. That was my mistake, though. I underestimated just how brave (or stupid) their characters were.

They climbed up onto the Tarrasque and woke it up.

So, the Tarrasque was now awake, and it was not very happy about it. However, it failed all of the checks it needed to make to notice the characters riding on it. So instead, it broke out of the cave complex and started going on a rampage through the forest.

I was hoping that the PC's would take the opportunity to jump off the Tarrasque to the safety of the trees - it was charging in a straight line, so if they had jumped off the sides, they would have been good. But the players straight up told me, "We want to see where it's going." So, with a shrug, I had the Tarrasque charge through the forest until it hit the coastline of the continent, then jump in the water and just keep swimming in a straight line for a full day and a half.

Eventually, they all reached an island in the middle of the ocean. The PC's were just happy to see land again, but the Tarrasque was looking for something at this point. It went straight to an exting volcanic crater in the middle of the island. At this point, I decided to roll on the encounter chart again and see what was on the island. So I roll...

And I roll up the Tarrasque. Again.

Again, I almost rerolled, but then I had a brilliant idea. Back in the game, the Tarrasque they had been riding on began to let out a call, one that was soon answered. Another Tarrasque came into the characters' view, this one slightly smaller, but still a full-sized Colassal creature.

I then told the players that in this world, there were two Tarrasques - one male, one female. Usually, only one was awake at a time, though. It was rumored the gods had made it that way so that they could never breed. However, the PC's had just disrupted that cycle by waking up the female Tarrasque, who immediately went out and found her long-lost mate.

Following this, I rolled a spot check for the male Tarrasque, and he succeeded, spotting the characters on the female's back. He then proceeded to pluck them off and drop them on the ground. Luckily, they all made it to the ground in one piece. The Tarrasque pair then took off, leaving the island to go and make some little Tarrasque babies. As I told the pklayers, "Congratulations. You've just made the apocalypse worse."

In the end, they ended up on the island, looking for a way off, and that's how the session ended. They did end up finding a way off in a later sesion, but theat reall isn't important to the above story.

* * * * *

TL;DR - AN ECL 5 party woke up the Tarrasque, rode it to an island, found another Tarrasque, and were left stranded on said island. All while the apocalypse was going on.

[Inevitability]

Okay, I've got one from when I was DMing for a few friends in 3.5 D&D.

I had decided to run an apocalyptic scenario for the world, so my friends rolled up a few characters at, IIRC, ECL 5. Their actual level was about an average of two or three, though, because of they all went with a monstrous race with a Level Adjustment. I believe the party consisted of a Drow Ranger (not a Drizz't knockoff, he was a "classic" evil Drow), a Poisondusk Lizardfolk Ranger (yep, two Rangers), and a Grimlock Rogue.

Anyways, after we had gotten a bit into the session, they were walking through a forest and ended up at the base of a mountain range. They found a cave, and decided to check it out, see if there was anything or anyone in there. At this point, I rolled, using a custom apocalyptic encounter chart to determine what they would find in the cave.

I rolled up the Tarrasque. The hardest one to roll on the entire chart.

I almost rerolled it, but in the end, I decided "why not?" So my plaers went into the cave and stumbled upon the Tarrasque, who was hibernating in the depths of the cave. Now, at this point, I was expecting them to leave it be. They didn't have the power or equipment to handle a Tarrasque, and it was deep in slumber anyways. That was my mistake, though. I underestimated just how brave (or stupid) their characters were.

They climbed up onto the Tarrasque and woke it up.

So, the Tarrasque was now awake, and it was not very happy about it. However, it failed all of the checks it needed to make to notice the characters riding on it. So instead, it broke out of the cave complex and started going on a rampage through the forest.

I was hoping that the PC's would take the opportunity to jump off the Tarrasque to the safety of the trees - it was charging in a straight line, so if they had jumped off the sides, they would have been good. But the players straight up told me, "We want to see where it's going." So, with a shrug, I had the Tarrasque charge through the forest until it hit the coastline of the continent, then jump in the water and just keep swimming in a straight line for a full day and a half.

Eventually, they all reached an island in the middle of the ocean. The PC's were just happy to see land again, but the Tarrasque was looking for something at this point. It went straight to an exting volcanic crater in the middle of the island. At this point, I decided to roll on the encounter chart again and see what was on the island. So I roll...

And I roll up the Tarrasque. Again.

Again, I almost rerolled, but then I had a brilliant idea. Back in the game, the Tarrasque they had been riding on began to let out a call, one that was soon answered. Another Tarrasque came into the characters' view, this one slightly smaller, but still a full-sized Colassal creature.

I then told the players that in this world, there were two Tarrasques - one male, one female. Usually, only one was awake at a time, though. It was rumored the gods had made it that way so that they could never breed. However, the PC's had just disrupted that cycle by waking up the female Tarrasque, who immediately went out and found her long-lost mate.

Following this, I rolled a spot check for the male Tarrasque, and he succeeded, spotting the characters on the female's back. He then proceeded to pluck them off and drop them on the ground. Luckily, they all made it to the ground in one piece. The Tarrasque pair then took off, leaving the island to go and make some little Tarrasque babies. As I told the pklayers, "Congratulations. You've just made the apocalypse worse."

In the end, they ended up on the island, looking for a way off, and that's how the session ended. They did end up finding a way off in a later sesion, but theat reall isn't important to the above story.

* * * * *

TL;DR - AN ECL 5 party woke up the Tarrasque, rode it to an island, found another Tarrasque, and were left stranded on said island. All while the apocalypse was going on.

This. Is. Awesome. Seriously, this is like in the top 10 of best stories here.

[LarwisTheElf]

So literally just happened.

I was scrolling trough my facebook feed when I saw that one of my friends had shared a post that said "Grab the nearest book to you and go to page 45. The first sentence describes your love life." And what happens to be the nearest book? The Pathfinder core rulebook.

:smallamused:

Already imagining what hilarious things it would say, I cracked it open and flipped to page 45. Guess what page 45 starts with? The description for the evil domain. "You are sinister and cruel, and have wholly pledged your soul to the cause of evil."

:smalleek:

:smallfrown:

[GuesssWho]

LOL brilliant.

[AGCIAS]

Already imagining what hilarious things it would say, I cracked it open and flipped to page 45. Guess what page 45 starts with? The description for the evil domain. "You are sinister and cruel, and have wholly pledged your soul to the cause of evil."

:smalleek:

:smallfrown:

Oh, that is good. Mine said "You have to understand people, societies and economics." I guess some people might have a more interesting love life. Though they don't. :smallbiggrin:


Meanwhile, in the village of Shrovada in the Iron Hills, Walpingas the Sage pens his final wise saying: “Never, ever, EVER say, 'Do da widdle snakie-wakies wanna come out an' pway?' if you are anywhere at all near the cage.”

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.


Meanwhile, in Rel Astra, Malectus of the Thousand Faces finally takes his evil machinations, Machiavellian counter-plots and triple-crosses too far when he inadvertently hires an assassin to kill himself. It will take his executors eleven years to finally figure out to whom he was actually related.

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.

[Hawkstar]

TL;DR - AN ECL 5 party woke up the Tarrasque, rode it to an island, found another Tarrasque, and were left stranded on said island. All while the apocalypse was going on.

... unless, of course, the Tarrasques have a sense of animalistic gratitude to the party for helping each other find their mate, and now the party has a tool to help CANCEL the apocalypse!

[The Great Wyrm]

"Grab the nearest book to you and go to page 45. The first sentence describes your love life." And what happens to be the nearest book?

For me, one of my chemistry textbooks:

"The imaginative arrangements shown in figure 4.8 are acceptable."

[Inevitability]

So literally just happened.

I was scrolling trough my facebook feed when I saw that one of my friends had shared a post that said "Grab the nearest book to you and go to page 45. The first sentence describes your love life." And what happens to be the nearest book? The Pathfinder core rulebook.

:smallamused:

Already imagining what hilarious things it would say, I cracked it open and flipped to page 45. Guess what page 45 starts with? The description for the evil domain. "You are sinister and cruel, and have wholly pledged your soul to the cause of evil."

:smalleek:

:smallfrown:

I got a biology textbook which imparted the following words of wisdom upon me:


In the meat progressing industry, microbiologists make predictions using models.

So... I'm not sure what part of that applies to my love life, but I have a quiet feeling of uneasiness now.

[Lvl 2 Expert]

I got a biology textbook which imparted the following words of wisdom upon me

I grabbed an anatomy and physiology textbook when I read that comment, thinking that if any book was going to have something good... But it doesn't get any better than "Figure 2.13 Carbohydrate molecules. Monosacharides important to the body." There isn't even any text that's not part of describing that molecule drawing on the page.

(Yeah yeah, my love life is very sweet.)

EDIT: second closest book is Terry Pratchett's Raising Steam (Discworld): "And the smell was good, unlike those he and Effie had put up with over the years."

Uhm, thanks, I guess?

[enderlord99]

I was quite close to a large, disorganized pile of books. Here are some results:

"Aunt Petunia found a few moldy blankets in the second room and made up a bed for Dudley on the moth-eaten sofa."

"Forest diversity means difference in elements such as genes, amino acids, flowers, species, and communities of plants and animals."

(My Elementary-school yearbook, which has precisely 44 pages. Yes, really.)

[TeChameleon]

Well, let's see... I've got a few books stacked on top of one another next to me here. So, flipping to page 45...

Welcome to the Jungle (graphic novel from the Dresden Files)- "Cops got better things to do than get killed."

...

Perdido Street Station- "The enormous tent village that sprung up where they landed, and the garuda bands that congregated on the vast, sprawling centre of learning whenever it was in their reach."

Uhm..?

The Mighty Thor (Walt Simonson Omnibus... if you've ever wanted a comic the size of a large-print unabridged dictionary, this is the book for you. Also one of the best Thor runs ever :smalltongue:)- "Still, I am provided with a weapon that may serve me as well as the hammer over which we fight!"

I guess that could maybe apply, if you stretched? I guess?

Marvel Visionaries: Jack Kirby, Vol. II- "An instant later, there was the crash of shattered glass as Fin Fang Foom's mighty fist smashed through the mirror, into the wall of the tunnel!"

I'm not sure I want to know how that one could apply :smalltongue: (although for some reason that bit about him from Nextwave springs to mind...)

Snow Crash- "Obviously, Nova Sicilia has its own security, too."

... and we're back to just kind of what.

The Way of Kings- "Ten Orders."

:smallconfused: Nope, not a lot of help to be had there. Granted, that's from the cryptic bits in the chapter openers; if you go with the first bit of the text proper, it's "Kaladin's stomach growled as he reached through the bars and accepted the bowl of slop.", which really isn't much of an improvement, although at least it's a proper sentence.

That little excercise gets weird fast, depending on what books you have on hand.

[GuesssWho]

Perdido Street Station? You're lucky you didn't get the Weaver. Or slake moths.

[Draconium]

All right, let's see, page 45 of the nearest book, first sentence describes my love life, eh..?


"I'm going after the boat," he called back over his shoulder.

... Well that makes no sense at all. :smalltongue:

[rooster707]

From Walden, by Henry David Thoreau:


When I wrote the following pages, or rather the bulk of them, I lived alone, in the woods, a mile from any neighbor, in a house which I had built myself, on the shore of Walden Pond, in Concord, Massachusetts, and earned my living by the labor of my hands only.

[Lord Torath]

First full sentence:

For the bottom rectangle, we have

I2 = bh3/12 = 1.2(8.8)3/12 = 68.15 cm4

:smallconfused:

Yeah, I'm really not seeing how that applies...

[Strigon]

"Disco tugged the rope tied securely to the door".

Considering it's a zombie survival novel, I'm surprised it wasn't far, far worse.

[GuesssWho]

Might want to get back on topic ;)

[Curtis6566]

Might want to get back on topic ;)

Just one more. I had a stack of Shadowrun Books near me. The top one just gave me the definition of a threshold, while the second one, Run Faster, gave me: "No matter how hard some may try, all are affected in some way or another by the culture of their nationality, religion, megacorporation, or metatype."

Sage advice, we are all affected by our origin, and the basis of love can be found in it, even when one tries to reject one's origin.

Also, to be slightly more on topic, in my SR group, we have a couple of first time players. One just made a dwarf street sam, while the other made a bioluminescent catwoman changeling nocturna mage with mood fur. As a living, glowing target that is impossible to conceal, she is likely to die soon, and probably get us killed along with her.

We also have an Elven Adept Drug Dealer that wants to personafix our decker, and a Face that refused to give us even her street name.

This is certainty a colorful group, and though I currently play the decker, I'm thinking of changing my character to a trickster pixie mage that I had made awhile back, but have never played. I think it might fit in better.

The best part: this group tends to play Trench Coats and Fedoras and not Pink Mohawk.

[GuesssWho]

Oh Lord . . . a neon neko. That just about takes the cake.

[Shoggy]

Not a D&D story, but hopefully amusing none the less.

A while back, a few of us sat down and played a game of Everyone is John (link for those unfamiliar (http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Everyone_Is_John)) with our compulsively over-prepared DM. It turned out more interesting than we'd expected.

http://i.imgur.com/ddD2TKU.png (http://imgur.com/gallery/ddD2TKU)

Also here's an archive of the original for any mobile users:
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/42828741/#p42832997

[GuesssWho]

Not a D&D story, but hopefully amusing none the less.

A while back, a few of us sat down and played a game of Everyone is John (link for those unfamiliar (http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Everyone_Is_John)) with our compulsively over-prepared DM. It turned out more interesting than we'd expected.

http://i.imgur.com/ddD2TKU.png (http://imgur.com/gallery/ddD2TKU)

Also here's an archive of the original for any mobile users:
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/42828741/#p42832997

OMG, I ****ing love you.

[DSmaster21]

-snick-

I had my Advanced Race Guide, Hoyle's Rules of Games 3rd edition, End of the World:Zombie Apocolypse, and Cliff Notes Spanish I handy.

I got "The eidolon of a wild caller tends to take more natural and more savage forms than other summoners' eidolons." I don't quite know whether that is good or bad.
"Vulnerability does not depend on winning a game" Hm that sounds very faux deep and thoughtful about my life.
"Luckily, coming up with the outcomes of choices and actions the PCs make throughout the game isn't all up to you." Huh
"The upside-down exclamation point is another unusual punctuation mark." wat



Edit: Spoilering myself as I didn't read far enough to find out we were getting back on topic

[Shoggy]

OMG, I ****ing love you.

Thanks! We aim to please.

[snowman87]

We were playing a party of evil-aligned characters in the Eberron setting, rather sandbox in structure, when we are offered a job robbing some rich explorer's house during an auction. Many things went wrong during this job. There was another group, more professional than ours, trying to rob it as well and they were already in a much better position to do so. We kept on with our plan, though, even though we each knew the other was there. Things went really south when the other group found the body of the butler we had killed so that my Changeling could take his place and they, as the guards, started a stand-off.

Things got hectic as our fighter was being hand-cuffed, our sorcerer was playing the innocent bystander being walked out by a comforting guard, our ranger was "entertaining" the lord of the mansion, and I was scouting the treasure to be auctioned upstairs. The lord was called down to the kitchen where our fighter was while I found the ranger and had her start helping me throw all of the treasure out the window before climbing down after it. After "Sleep"ing another guard we find our sorcerer and start lugging treasure. Our fighter manages to escape, still hand-cuffed, but isn't chased because the other group, the "guards", decides to use all the commotion to take down the lord. He finds us, we uncuff him, and we all hurry to a flying carriage at the edge of the property. There is a driver and we don't have time for bribery or deceit so I shove him off the Skyway. He falls...

...into the roof of the local police station below. We take off and manage to evade the police coming up to investigate as we make our way back to our base. Later, we decide we can't keep the flying carriage as it would be too obvious so we have to dump it. We decide the best place to leave it would be...the police station we bothered earlier. We fly it through the city, line it up at the building, and "Feather Fall" away as it crashes through their front door.

We decided to start antagonizing this exact same police station as much as we could from then on as a sort of signature.

[MrZJunior]

We decided to start antagonizing this exact same police station as much as we could from then on as a sort of signature.

I don't see this backfiring in any way, sounds hilarious.

[aonar]

My favorite was in 3rd as a dwarven barbarian modeled after the troll/dragon slayers from warhammer, when I had group of 20 other npc dwarves tie me to rope and sling me up into the face of a black dragon, power critical it in it's face with greataxe, and then watch as it simply cast heal on itself to restore all 200 some odd hp i just did to it >.< oh, and it took 3 tries to get the dwarves to throw me in the right direction >.<

[Ionsniper]

Alright, so this happened during our weekend gaming session. A little background info to start off with though. We are playing 5th edition and in a heavily home brewed world. We are playing basic 4d6 drop lowest, any order teachers that have little to no gear at 15th level. 2 uncommon magic items and a few items found through the prologue.

Our main mission is to get the students under our care (our future pc's) to safety during a demon invasion. Imagine battle of the 5 armies type scenario from the Hobbit. Five different factions all fighting at this academy in an attempt to get something, we believe to be the students. So after waves of battles with only one short rest between, we finally manage to make it to what's considered the final fight of the prologue.

Now to understand this our DM had a genuine idea of how this fight was supposed to go. Teachers were supposed to die and the death knight dragon rider was supposed to become a shadow spawn, one of the 5 factions after he defeated the npc champion paladin teacher. He would have been killed by her student npc and eventually come back.

The fight managed to go full out offensive right from the start. Between 2 bards burning all our inspiration dice and twinned haste, and everything we had, we managed to kill the rider and almost the dragon. We missed with sentinel and it took off and tried to escape with one our bards on the back, he manages to cut loose the rider (needed the artifact scabbard he had) and fell off the dragon and shadow stepped back to the ground. He grabbed the DK's body and hauled his butt back to us. The dragon then turns around mid flight to come back at us and take a shot with his breath weapon providing the most hilarious image of a Noble running away from a dragon I have ever seen. Props to the role playing on this! The player starts acting like he's running with the death knight over his shoulder screaming and shouting at his non existent servants "servants to me, help your lord, why are you not helping me!" Before being blasted with the lightning breath which thankfully he made his save.

Even funnier is after the session the DM admitted that things went the complete opposite that he had intended. We were all supposed to die in the dragon fight as the students got to safety. And he asked us what we did with the DK and if our students had dragged him with us, we said yes and had practically stuffed him into the overly large backpack the half dragon student had. His words were "you stuffed my future and now dead bbeg in your backpack?" Unanimously we declared yes that we had! So we now have a dead BBEG as loot!

[AGCIAS]

Not a D&D story, but hopefully amusing none the less.

A while back, a few of us sat down and played a game of Everyone is John (link for those unfamiliar (http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Everyone_Is_John)) with our compulsively over-prepared DM. It turned out more interesting than we'd expected.

http://i.imgur.com/ddD2TKU.png (http://imgur.com/gallery/ddD2TKU)

Also here's an archive of the original for any mobile users:
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/42828741/#p42832997

Utterly incredible. Possibly the best thing I have read since Old Man Henderson. I have never been in a game quite that good and extend my jealousy.

ANother Meanwhile story.
Meanwhile, in the Pomarj, over the city of Stoneheim, the last words of Theoddrick the Wise, uttered soon after perfecting his Advanced Supersonic Flight spell, are recorded for posterity: “What's a goat doing in the middle of this cloudbank?”

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.

[GuesssWho]

Meanwhiles are the best LOL

[goto124]

Meanwhile, at some place and time in the 21st century, a normal person sits at the computer wondering why so many people enjoy the set of jokes known as the Meanwhiles. Must have something to do with references...

[AGCIAS]

Meanwhiles are the best LOL

Thank you; I am very glad you enjoyed.

Not that funny, but my group complained bitterly that I lead them off track during games. I didn't think that I was any worse than anyone else but the next game I studiously did all I could to keep the game on focus. The DM and two other players talked about video games, music, online videos, movies and other arcana for an hour and forty-five minutes despite my trying to redirect them. After that I stopped worrying about "leading the game off track". Frankly, its what we get together for. That and the pizzas.

[GuesssWho]

Meanwhile, at some place and time in the 21st century, a normal person sits at the computer wondering why so many people enjoy the set of jokes known as the Meanwhiles. Must have something to do with references...

Nah, I think most of them are just entertainingly silly.

Meanwhile, deep in the Underdark, an Awakened giant spider has just eaten her third boyfriend this week. Instincts are a bitch.

This has nothing to do with our adventure, I just thought I'd mention it.

[AGCIAS]

Nah, I think most of them are just entertainingly silly.

Meanwhile, deep in the Underdark, an Awakened giant spider has just eaten her third boyfriend this week. Instincts are a bitch.

This has nothing to do with our adventure, I just thought I'd mention it.

Wonderful! And I quoted Nerd-o rama from your tag line to my gaming group. Turns out they all recognized it and are far more conversant with the mythos surrounding Smith that I am comfortable with.

[GuesssWho]

Wonderful! And I quoted Nerd-o rama from your tag line to my gaming group. Turns out they all recognized it and are far more conversant with the mythos surrounding Smith that I am comfortable with.

Cool :D

Someday I actually want to play that spider in the monster game my IRL friends have going, because black comedy is best comedy and it would be less weird than some of their PCs LOL

Seriously though, we're being led by a faerie dragon wizard and one time we used a boatload of sea snakes as a siege weapon. It's a strange and crazy game.

[AGCIAS]

Strange and crazy is good. But it seems I remember a story in this thread about a drow who was engaged to a female drider and spent all of his time finding her boyfriends to eat.

[GuesssWho]

Yeah, that was one of the ideas we had going :D

[snowman87]

I mentioned earlier that I was in an evil-aligned party. Well, during that same campaign, we had to leave Sharn because of bad attention we attracted. We had a really nice sailing ship that could change its appearance based on what magical gem we had installed so we got a grand idea. We found a pretty well-off town and scouted it out to raid as pirates. The raid goes perfectly. Our DM was even a little annoyed that we rolled so well and his NPC rolls were so bad. We go in at night with masks on, we set fires, we take out cannon towers, we rob stores...and kidnap the Governess. It was improvised but it worked really well. We took off and stuffed her away in a small cabin where we kept her tied up and blind-folded, under guard. Then we changed the appearance of our ship to something grand and returned to the town as a band of virtuous adventurers. As such good heroes, we were appalled at the audacity and viciousness of the pirate attack and swore to seek justice for these poor folk and return their Governess. We left, picked up the poor woman in a staged rescue, Count of Monte Cristo style, and carried her back to the town where we were praised and rewarded. It was SUCH a satisfying session. We even started getting job offers as our band of good adventurers. It was a nice dual-life we led for a bit.

[snowman87]

Another event that had us all rolling was during our current pirate campaign. We start out in a Caribbean-type island chain in a sort of Tortuga-like town and get shang-haied nearly immediately onto a ship run by some REAL wanna-be's (they are modeled after co-workers the DM despises; this is his stress therapy). We spend a couple of days as swabs doing menial labor and not having access to our gear as semi-prisoners but we are making friends and plans. Two new people join our group at this point and we introduce them by finding their characters at sea, adrift after a shipwreck. One is a Paladin. We're not sure what his alignment is supposed to be but we know how he ends up playing. The two survivors are given the same conditions aboard the ship as we were, surrender all weapons and serve well or be keel-hauled. The paladin immediately starts trying to negotiate to keep his weapons and asks all of our characters what he can do to improve his situation. We have no advice to give.

The paladin and other PC spend the day working just like us but when night comes we have an entertainment hour, a time for the crew to relax, drink, play games, sing and be merry. This night is special, though, as the officers want to play a game of volleyball, supposedly to seem like true athletes and leaders. The paladin has been flirting with the first officer all day, successfully, and (since the DM hates the first officer character) now he has a major crush on the paladin. He offers to let the paladin play with the officers on the "skins" team. Now, the DM tells us to picture the volleyball game from Top Gun, with our bard playing porno flute music and a bunch of guys trying to look macho and athletic.

The paladin is the only one with any athletic ability so the game is going very poorly. Then the poor, cowardly Quatermaster (who, despite being on the "skins" team, is wearing full pads and a helmit) rolls a natural 1. The ball shoots full force under the net and right into the captain's crotch.

At this point, the paladin's player asks if the first officer or the captain have pistols on them and the DM says that both do. The paladin wants to get ahold of one and hold someone hostage. His way of getting close to the captain? An offer of Lay on Hands...for the captain's injured groin. The first officer is portrayed as almost going nuts with excitement. Fortunately, the paladin skips the awkward attempt at healing and grabs the pistol, holds the captain at gun-point, and helps start a mutiny. It was the funniest circumstance I think I've had the pleasure to witness unfold.

Oh, and the captain and first mate both got keel-hauled.

[Gizmogidget]

This is way less funny than some of the stories on here but here it goes.

Our party was playing with a very new DM, and we had come upon a mansion with zombies in a room just above us behind a locked door. Two of the players get into a shouting match,(IC not in real life) and in the commotion bust open the door keeping the zombies from getting at us. Then one of the players uses some sort of mind control effect to have me cast grease and then he threw a torch on it which resulted in a large fire that killed most of the zombies.

So the effect wears out and we are stuck on the top floor with no way out because the doors are made of concrete or something. So the two players with me at the top ended up rolling a natural 20 and breaking through the floor of the mansion directly upon the evil necromancer the rest of the party was facing instantly knocking the current BBEG unconscious.

TL;DR-The two pranksters in the party end up destroying the top floor of a mansion, and end up breaking through the floor which results in the defeat of one of the BBEG's

[snowman87]

So the two players with me at the top ended up rolling a natural 20 and breaking through the floor of the mansion directly upon the evil necromancer the rest of the party was facing instantly knocking the current BBEG unconscious.

Nice. Was Yakety Sax playing over top of these events?

[Zoozle]

One session, we had a Lizardfolk Druid (Wakka), a Half-Elf Rogue (Mouse), an alcoholic Elven monk (Isa), and my wizard-illusionist (Theod).

During our adventures, we came across a Gnome trading caravan. Their cart of goods got snagged on some rocks while they forded a river and they needed help pulling it to safety. Wakka was min-maxed like crazy (his INT was -5 and he couldn't speak Common; I was the only person in the party that knew Draconic and thus could communicate with him) and was thus the only one of us that could swim out to get it. I was not entirely paying attention to what was going on and so I decided that I would entice the Gnomes (whom I thought were stuck on the cart in the river) to swim to shore. My incentive? I conjured the image of a Gnome stripper.

A quick clarification: when I described my brilliant plan to my DM, I asked for a "well-endowed Gnome dancer." By well-endowed, I was thinking mostly of a female Gnome with a great allotment of breast tissue...

The Gnome was a dude and had an enormous... snake familiar, let's call it.

So there's this Gnome illusion. The way it described, he's got a tight loincloth barely sheathing his monster. He's dancing and having a great time. The tangible Gnomes are unimpressed. Feeling stupid, I decide to go help with the whole cart thing. I take one step into water (with my 7-STR wizard) and... trip and proceed to drown. Isa & Mouse are killing themselves laughing. Isa quickly takes pity on the "Noble Noodle" as I had already come to be known as and, with her superior strength steps into the river to assist me.

She flubs her roll and trips as well.

Mouse is laughing her arse off (she was a little sadistic, probably more on the CE side of things than we thought) and is not that strong, so no help from her. Wakka is too far away and too busy for us to call him. My solution? Turns out I used a high-enough level illusion spell making the Gnome that it could talk. I may have played fast & loose with the rules on this one, but I used my action concentrating to speak THROUGH the Gnome in Draconic. While this Gnome gyrated, it was screaming in garbled Draconic that the wizard and monk were drowning! Thus he turned around to save us. Meanwhile, the cart was washed away by the river. We failed to help the now pissed-off Gnomes, but we defeated the river! We gained no XP.

To this day, my friends still joke about this now-running gag. This story has also become a household favourite amongst many of my friends; they often tell THEIR friends and coworkers to the point that I have been introduced to people as "you know, the Gnome Stripper guy I was telling you about!" Now, the Gnome illusion is an illusionist-assassin-antagonist in the campaign of 5E I'm running.

[Gizmogidget]

There was no yakety sax, it was just very comedic and completely by chance.

[FlumphPaladin]

Oh Lord . . . a neon neko. That just about takes the cake.

Neon Neko? Wasn't that the villain that scared Daffy Duck (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Great_Piggy_Bank_Robbery)?

[nijineko]

Oh Lord . . . a neon neko. That just about takes the cake.

...................

[FlumphPaladin]

...................

Everything okay there, Rainbow Cat?

[nijineko]

Everything okay there, Rainbow Cat?

just fine. ^^ i was just wondering if a neon neko just about takes a cake, what could a rainbow neko manage?

[Souxicide]

First time poster here but I do have a good one.

We are running the premade module (for a bit) in the 5e books. The party I'm in is all coworkers of mine through Hell(Wal-Mart) and one my coworkers husband and a mutual friend.

The cast is 4 dragonborns and 1 half-elf.

Brandon (Lucifer) - Black Dragonborn Barbarian who took Path of the Totem Warrior. Ended up taming an Owlbear named Julio(Don't ask)

Danielle (I forgot her character name) - Half-Elf Bard

Justin (Forgot his name as well) - Blue Dragonborn Cleric who took Life Domain who is also DMing this part of the campaign.

Vicki (Aryn) Brass Dragonborn Ranger who took up Archery Specialization. Ended up with the Barbarians old Wolf totem.

Myself (Dox) Bronze Dragonborn Rogue/Arcane Trickster as well. I ended up DM and changing my class to be warlock through the lovely power of Cthulhu.



The story starts us off as Justin and myself being student teachers at a school to train new student in their respective classes. Danielle is my student and so is Vicki. Brandon is rumored to be the headmasters long lost son, whose character looks like the headmaster just fatter. The headmaster was the BBEG but we didn't know it at the time. It was rumored that he was a lich but couldn't be proven. The only ones that knew that it was true were the teachers and certain student teacher, i.e. Justin and myself.n We were tasked to search for something as it would be our students final exam and should they complete it they pass and if not then we all die.

The funny part goes that the party had just finished fighting some goblins and owlbears. Brandon had tamed a wolf earlier in the story and wanted the owlbear. Dm ruled that if he wanted to have the owlbear he would have to give up the wolf. He did so begrudgingly. Vicki ended up taming the wolf for her and said wolf held a grudge against Brandon. After the cave crawl with the goblins and narrowly escaping a Beholder, the group go into town. Brandon has also acquired the ring of Doolittle which allowed him to speak to the owlbear. After everything, we ended up in the tavern. Brandon and the owlbear went up to the barkeep and ordered two barrels for each other to start a drinking contest. Being the trickster that I am, decided now would be a good time to have some fun since the other party members didn't know the path that i chose. Passing a note to the DM:

Me: I use mage hand to knock over the barrels so that the barbarian barrel falls over and hits him in the head.

DM: Roll for it.

Me: *Rolls D20* 19

Dm: OK. Brandon at this point while chugging the barrel above your head, you feel it slip your hands and hit you in the head.

Brandon: What the hell?! Who did that?!

He the turns to his owlbear and starts to argue with it and decided to slap it's barrel out of it's hand. Hilarity for me ensues as they start fighting that turns into wrestling. I then turn to the bar and start taking bets on who would win. The owlbear then kicks Brandon's character in the nuts and started to drag him to the center of the town by his head. The owlbear bit him and fit the Brandon's character's head in its mouth. The owlbear ended up winning as Brandon's character was way to drunk to continue fighting. We made a cool 50g from that fight.

There are more stories with this group especially the bard and her epic blowing skills or the time she broke both of her ankles(in game while actually haven broken 1 ankle IRL) while fighting a Bullywog Chieftan. I shall tell those stories another time.

[Joe the Rat]

Nice. Was Yakety Sax playing over top of these events?
I actually have it in my Roll20 Jukebox for when things go sideways. Or there's a chase scene.


A brief one: Can't sneak one in on the wizard.

So our party cleric has been waiting for 5th level and those precious, precious 3rd level spell slots. Between sessions, the cleric and rogue (offline) conspire to start poisoning the goblin henchmen to raise them as well-preserved zombies. There was much (email-based) snickering about how long it will take the party to notice.

After missing a session, the two conspirators catch up to the rest of the party on the road, with goblins in tow...

DM: "Gnishgnash and Alfonso (two of our goblins) are their usual selves, though Bob seems a bit quiet."
Elf Wizard: "I poke Bob."
Bob: "Gnrrr."
Elf Wizard: "Zombie."
Cleric: "DAMMIT!"

[ellindsey]

Last night in my Pathfinder game. The players are up against a really tough fight: a Huge water elemental and four lizardmen with class levels equivalent to the PCs, in a flooded city, after they'd already expended many of their limited-use powers for the day. The players are just hanging on, with the elemental nearly killing the party's Ranger before it was taken down, and the Cleric's Channel Energy being the only think preventing the entire party from being wiped by Fireball spells cast from a rooftop sniper. The party is starting to turn the tide of battle, and the Ranger who is now just barely back up comments that it's OK, that a good campaign should have the change of getting killed or else there's no challenge.

At this point the party Cleric, who worships a trickster god, pipes up with "We'll win because my God is awesome and won't let us loose!" and similar sentiments. A few of the other players point out that it's not wise to tempt fate like that when you worship a trickster.

The very next combat action is one of the Lizardman barbarians, who attacks the party's Dragon Disciple, scores a crit, confirms it, and then rolls max damage, dropping the PC in a single hit. I swear that I did not fudge these rolls.

Everyone then turned and looked at the Cleric accusingly.

The party survived the battle, but only barely, and hopefully have learned a lesson about not taunting the dice gods.

[GuesssWho]

That sounds like a trickster's sense of humor if ever anything did. I think Loki was watching you play :D

[turbo164]

Heh, we had a similar thing happen a while back, though without the trickster diety being specifically mentioned. Party was fighting a giant zombie with lots of hp, but low armor. After seeing a teammate land a hit with a low number,

Ranger: "Pretty sure I literally can't miss this guy." *rolls natural 2, when a 3 would have hit*

Next round, they picked up a Bless from the Cleric, giving them another +1 to attack rolls.

Ranger: "Now I can only miss on a 1!" *rolls 3 natural 1's out of next 8 attack rolls*

[Souxicide]

Another story that I remember from the same campaign and the same cast with the addition of one new player.

I had taken over DMing at this point and was running the party through a wizard's tower(not original but different from what they were used to. The tower is an ever shifting one in which there is only one floor above but the stairs feel like they are moving you up to the next floor. Each floor also changes depending on situation or DM fiat. There's a backstory to the tower but the party didn't ask and didn't care). They were in there as part of a task made by the assassin's guild of the world to kill the wizard who owns it. When they were in they found the newest addition to the party. It was a mutual friend of our who was playing a gnome paladin/rogue(i believe). The gnome was part of a party in which he was the only surviving member.(the last time he and I gamed was with another group of people and that was his character as well).
They met him after climbing the stairs to the room he's in, only to be met with 4 Minotaurs as guards. My rogue trickster intimidated 2 of the minotaurs and the party dispatched the other two. The floor size is larger than it should be and after nearly an hour of walking the come up to a cage containing the gnome pally. Introductions were made as well as several back and forth quips, the bard decides to open the cage door by blowing on her panflute(it should also be noted that our cleric had altered her panflute, with his God's blessing, to have a sonic enhancement on to it. Meaning depending on her roll and whether she plays it as an attack or musically, the results will vary.) After rolling a nat 20, she blows apart the cage door and sending the gnome to the other side of the cage and knocking him out.
When he gets up, he looks at her and says;

Gnome: Thanks for that but if you wanted to blow me you could have opened the door first.

Bard: The door was open?

Gnome: Yes! Did you even try before deciding have your mouth hurt me?

We all started dying of laughter both in and out of game.


Oh another scenario is with the same group and in the same place. The come to a door that wouldn't open for them. They opened it but the other side was just a brick wall. The gnome(again messing with the bard) decides to throw his voice and convince her that there is someone on the other side. Talking as two different people, she is having a conversation with no one and the party looks at her like she is insane(more than usual). The rest of the party is deciding how to proceed when the Ranger persuades the Barbarian to walk through the brick as it could be an illusion. He fails his wisdom save and walks into it. Then the Cleric persuades him as well. Barb fails his roll again and walks in to the wall another time. I persuade him a third time and the Barb fails again. We are all fighting our laughter and can't hold it in anymore. After the third time he decides not to listen to anyone and actually makes the save.

[The Great Wyrm]

From the Red Hand of Doom campaign I'm DMing:

A Quaal's Feather Token Tree was grown as a readied action so that a flying dragon crashed into the tree.

The fighter getting dominated (failing the Will save); the wizard casts Protection from Evil on him, to block mind control, and the fighter makes the Will save and resists it. The wizard gives up and hides in a barrel.
The fighter then kills the NPC bard whom nobody liked anyway.

The ranger dies every other session (and the player keeps making rangers and Leeroy Jenkins-ing into mobs of enemies). Recently, the Ghostlord made him into a Gravetouched Ghoul, much to the chagrin of the cleric.

[Florian]

Recently, we had a test run with the PF occult adventures book.
One player picked the Mesmerist class, a class that is pretty much all about stareing at someone and using mind tricks while being at it.
We played a rather investigation-heavy module and said player was really into it, dominating the scenes and pretty much hogging spotlight by using his mental powers, when they reached the point to interrogate two crucial npcs, a nymph and a medusa...

It was pure gold when said player realized what that means and only uttered a small and whimpy "Eff me.."

[GuesssWho]

Recently, we had a test run with the PF occult adventures book.
One player picked the Mesmerist class, a class that is pretty much all about stareing at someone and using mind tricks while being at it.
We played a rather investigation-heavy module and said player was really into it, dominating the scenes and pretty much hogging spotlight by using his mental powers, when they reached the point to interrogate two crucial npcs, a nymph and a medusa...

It was pure gold when said player realized what that means and only uttered a small and whimpy "Eff me.."

Okay, yeah, that is totally ****ing gold.

[AGCIAS]

I actually have it in my Roll20 Jukebox for when things go sideways. Or there's a chase scene.


A brief one: Can't sneak one in on the wizard.

So our party cleric has been waiting for 5th level and those precious, precious 3rd level spell slots. Between sessions, the cleric and rogue (offline) conspire to start poisoning the goblin henchmen to raise them as well-preserved zombies. There was much (email-based) snickering about how long it will take the party to notice.

After missing a session, the two conspirators catch up to the rest of the party on the road, with goblins in tow...

DM: "Gnishgnash and Alfonso (two of our goblins) are their usual selves, though Bob seems a bit quiet."
Elf Wizard: "I poke Bob."
Bob: "Gnrrr."
Elf Wizard: "Zombie."
Cleric: "DAMMIT!"

Utterly wonderful; I wish I had been there. Not original, but funny. This happened in a 5th Ed. game tonight. We were trying to get into houses set on fire by pirates. The first one our warforged, Stovepipe, smashed the door open and we rescued three townsfolk. We moved on to the second building and Stovepipe readied to smash a second door. I noticed an odd look in the DM's eye so I reached down and lifted the latch. The warforged hit a door that was already swinging open. Luckily the first floor was not on fire.

Anyway, we got started telling orc jokes and I recounted the following....

Meanwhile, back in the village of Arumpit near Wooly Bay, Krit Tzannar, the “Laughing Rogue,” finishes an hour-long litany of orc jokes with “And why does an orc's funeral only have two pallbearers? Only two handles on a trashcan!” Later that night the orcish brothers Grmblz and Snazzarfrak report that they saw Tzannar, bound hand and foot, throw himself from a bridge onto several arrows and a dagger.

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.

[Sgt. Cookie]

Alright, here's one:


The party had just undergone a series of battles and were heading back to the local inn for an overnight rest. During the night they heard a strange beeping sound but no one went down to check. The next morning the Dwarf Fighter went downstairs to look for a magic specialist. And, coincidentally, there was a guy downstairs. He was a delivery guy with a package for "The local adventuring party", so they went outside.

Outside was a very modern truck labelled Beelzebub Inc and there was a crate on the floor. It was a modern transport crate, with like "This way up", "Fragile Contents", etc labels on it. The delivery driver, after a brief discussion, bangs on the crate a couple of times, the front pops off and a humanoid figure steps out and says: "I am Warlock Unit Alpha 4A. How may I blast your enemies?"

Then, the truck drives off into a portal back to hell.



And that's how my third Warlock in as many sessions was introduced to the party.



Beelzebub Inc would like to interject: Always remember to keep your Warlock insurance up-to-date.

[EvilAnagram]

I was running a game for some friends. They were trying to find supplies in a town off a caravan route, and when they got there it was completely empty. They ttok some time to investigate and could fin no signs of a struggle. They slowly realize that they are surrounded by magpies... in the trees, on houses and fence posts... all of them staring directly at them. Then they saw a child running towards a--

"I'm out."

What?

"Yeah, I've seen this movie. I'm not chasing after creepy kids in fields."

They couldn't convince the caravan owner to leave without supplies, so they eventually took up the hooks. They were not expecting the gibbering mouther in the hag's cauldron.

[Verbannon]

My party spent an hour at the entrance to a Kobold warren trying to draw out the Kobolds, eventually through lots of jingling of coins and calling the kobolds gnomes, the main force of the Kobolds left the cave to fight the party. The Kobolds of course had rigged the ground all around the cave to collapse while the party was hurling insults, but none the less the Party won. They rushed into the cave and were confronted by a handful of the weakest kobolds of the warren. Maybe a dozen 1 hitters. They were however at the back of the cave guarding the treasure. So the party charged forward and every single last member of the party got caught by a bear trap hidden just under the floor. Half of the kobolds raced forward positioning themselves to charge and shove the party back into the bear traps if they escaped. While the other half continued to just pelt the party with stones.

And thats how a bunch of one hit kobolds tpked a party.

[Inevitability]

My party spent an hour at the entrance to a Kobold warren trying to draw out the Kobolds, eventually through lots of jingling of coins and calling the kobolds gnomes, the main force of the Kobolds left the cave to fight the party. The Kobolds of course had rigged the ground all around the cave to collapse while the party was hurling insults, but none the less the Party won. They rushed into the cave and were confronted by a handful of the weakest kobolds of the warren. Maybe a dozen 1 hitters. They were however at the back of the cave guarding the treasure. So the party charged forward and every single last member of the party got caught by a bear trap hidden just under the floor. Half of the kobolds raced forward positioning themselves to charge and shove the party back into the bear traps if they escaped. While the other half continued to just pelt the party with stones.

And thats how a bunch of one hit kobolds tpked a party.

Damn right. When you fight kobolds, you don't run at them and hit them with pointy/blunt/sharp objects. You either launch a fireball from max range or summon a bunch of monsters to trigger all the traps. If you lack either, a barrel filled with stones rolled down the path you want to travel will work.

[TheTurboTornado]

I have a funny story to share with y'all. D&D 5e.

Conjurer wizard 9, pervert
Life Cleric 7/Paladin 2
Open hand monk 7/Diviner wizard 2
Some other characters useless to the story
Me, the DM


So the party is in a wizards lair, plundering it. They come across a room that is seemingly empty.
All the players at once: I MAKE A PERCEPTION/INVESTIGATION CHECK!!!!!!
Me:*sighs* you spot about 50 pressure plates scattered across the floor.
Monk: I grab my 10-foot-pole out of my Gi of Holding(Yes. It's a gi with a bag of holding inside. Don't ask me how.) and tap the closest pressure plate.
Me: A streap of fire shoots across and sets your pole on fire.
Monk: *IC asks wizards and cleric for help* I'll need a Haste spell, Cat's grace, and protection from fire. Just hang on a sec...
*Grabs genderbender statuette out of his Gi of holding*

Now first some information on this statuette. A few dungeons ago, the party rogue tried to nick it, but it changed him into a woman. Spellcasters were working their asses off trying to get her back to normal, because an angry Chaotic Evil Rogue is great for encouragement. Now, the statuette can change someones gender whenever said person says the trigger word. Wizard wanted to hold on to it, because he's a pervert, so the monk, being the packing mule because of aforementioned Gi of Holding, stored it.

Back to the story. The monk activated the statuette and turned into a girl. Why? Because I had noted before that turning into a girl with this specific thing gave you a +1 to dex, among other things. Wizard had to make a Wis save against being stunned. Of course, he fails. Cleric, being a dwarf and thus not really bothered, casts Cat grace and Protection from Fire, but the wizard has to cast the haste. Wizard snapped out of his stupor and tried to... touch the monks... chest.
Me: Make an attack roll.
Wizards player:*Rolls high* f*** yea!
Monks player: Well, too bad for you. I use my Portent ability to replace that roll with a 4.
Wizards player: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!
Me The wizards hand goes for your... chest... and at that moment, something flashes across your mind, and you dodge. Monks player: Great! Now I attack him.
Me and all the other players, exept wizards player: WHAT!?!???!
Monks player: I slap him across the face, put my knee in his stomach, raise my leg, and kick him in the back of the head with my heel. If all goes according to plan, his face will slam into the ground with enough force to at least break his nose.
We all sat there, stunned at this show of cruelty from monks player.
Me, after a minute or so: Very-very well. Make your attack rolls. And of course, all exceed his armor class. The wizard was lying on the ground, crippled in pain. His hand reached out to the monks leg, and he cast Haste on her.

That was when the fun really started.
Monks player: Now I want to dance from pressure plate to pressure plate, preferably ballet-ish.
Me: Of course you do. *grabs a lot of d20* Go right a-f*****g-head.

All of the rolls succeeded, apart from one. All these 50 fire traps, wasted. Because of rule of awesome, I said that all the traps had only one charge. I felt beaten enough to give the monks player his victory.

But that was not all.

You see, the monks player knows a lot of songs, and tends to play songs on his phone corresponding to the situation. Know which one? Maniac by Michael Sembello.

The monks nickname from this point on had officially become "Maniac".

[dehro]

I don't have a funny story yet, but my first level whisper gnome rogue who was meant to be a clever spy adept at finding informations and juggling informants or coaxing what he needs from unwitting dupes, has turned out to have a grand total of 3 points in charisma.
Methinks I shall focus on lockpicking and stealth instead :smallbiggrin:

[TheTurboTornado]

But what if he's got a BoH in his BoH, with another BoH in this second BoH, Ad Infinitum? All but the first are opened, and when he opens the first...

One does not simply put a BoH in another BoH. Or HHHaversack. Or portable hole.

[dehro]

One does not simply put a BoH in another BoH. Or HHHaversack. Or portable hole.

Ooh, I did that.
Put a handy haversack in a rope trick.
Caused a rift in reality, a portal through which a flottilla of flying cities of invading githzerai stormed our world, and I lost an arm in the explosion.
Also, the DM pulled a face and literally threw away a notebook full of the rest of our campaign plot and setting.

[Inevitability]

One does not simply put a BoH in another BoH. Or HHHaversack. Or portable hole.

Actually, you can only not put one kind of extradimensional storage space in another kind. Two bags of holding can perfectly exist within each other.

[GuesssWho]

Actually, you can only not put one kind of extradimensional storage space in another kind. Two bags of holding can perfectly exist within each other.

. . . how?

[ReaderAt2046]

So literally just happened.

I was scrolling trough my facebook feed when I saw that one of my friends had shared a post that said "Grab the nearest book to you and go to page 45. The first sentence describes your love life." And what happens to be the nearest book? The Pathfinder core rulebook.

:smallamused:

Already imagining what hilarious things it would say, I cracked it open and flipped to page 45. Guess what page 45 starts with? The description for the evil domain. "You are sinister and cruel, and have wholly pledged your soul to the cause of evil."

:smalleek:

:smallfrown:

I get: "You'll be happy to hear we don't have time for regular lessons today."

[The Random NPC]

. . . how?

While there is some vague and ill defined danger with putting extra dimensional spaces in other extra dimensional spaces, the only known interaction is between Bags of Holding and Portable Holes.

[Inevitability]

. . . how?

1. Take back of holding.
2. Open bag.
3. Take second bag of holding.
4. Place second back of holding in the first.
5. Close bag.

It is not particularily difficult, really. Neither 3.5, nor 4e, nor 5e says BoH's can't be put into other BoH's.

[GuesssWho]

But aren't they portals to the same plane or something? Kinda hard to have an opening to the Astral Plane IN the Astral Plane or whatever . . .

[ComaVision]

But aren't they portals to the same plane or something? Kinda hard to have an opening to the Astral Plane IN the Astral Plane or whatever . . .

How do you figure? I wouldn't find it odd if there was a portal between two cities in the material plane. :smallconfused:

[GuesssWho]

How do you figure? I wouldn't find it odd if there was a portal between two cities in the material plane. :smallconfused:

It just seems a bit odd for some reason. Kinda unintuitive.

[JBPuffin]

4th edition, 7th level party. We've captured two prisoners, one a kenku and the other a wilden (dryad-type creature). My Bard goes to interrogate the wilden - +12 on intimidate naturally, a +2 bonus, and the option to roll twice. Foolproof, right?

I roll 2 d20s at once...and get two natural ones.

Having sufficiently made a fool of myself (having previously back-flipped off a wooden wall into the ground trying to climb over it), I go to the kenku, ready to try him.

DM: "He's dead. You took forever killing the rest of them."
Me: *Distressed* "Nooooooo! I tried so hard to save him...I loot his corpse."

Much laughter was had at Leaonard's expense that day. I need new dice :P.

[goto124]

But aren't they portals to the same plane or something? Kinda hard to have an opening to the Astral Plane IN the Astral Plane or whatever . . .

You can have more than one door to a room :smallbiggrin:

[GuesssWho]

You can have more than one door to a room :smallbiggrin:

Yeah, but generally one door isn't contained within the other door.

[goto124]

I'm so sorry. (https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/71/Doggy_door_exit.JPG)

[dehro]

I'm so sorry. (https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/71/Doggy_door_exit.JPG)

A rather common (http://www.google.it/imgres?imgurl=http://www.artfactory.com/images/Door-Grand-Entrance-1950CDJ.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.artfactory.com/castle-door-designs-from-the-historical-record-1950cdj-p-4155.html&h=800&w=688&tbnid=FH9lixKMUAUyfM:&docid=YiEpTIOmSiqD4M&ei=OENMVqm2IcizO_nBsfAB&tbm=isch&client=tablet-android-sonymobile&ved=0CG4QMyhIMEhqFQoTCKmy1uXSmckCFcjZDgod-WAMHg) occurrence (http://www.google.it/imgres?imgurl=https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/54/8e/ea/548eea7c9647dc098c3989c33b1f2332.jpg&imgrefurl=https://www.pinterest.com/pin/158611218103417446/&h=969&w=636&tbnid=HY9GPTaAFDF4AM:&docid=aZR9z9JBJnXhbM&ei=KUVMVtOlMsSDPsrhl7gL&tbm=isch&client=tablet-android-sonymobile&ved=0CCAQMygEMARqFQoTCJPe5dLUmckCFcSBDwodyvAFtw), actually

[GuesssWho]

Not quite the same as being within the other door, though.