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FlumphPaladin
2015-11-18, 08:02 AM
Not quite the same as being within the other door, though.

It's not within the door; it's through it. The second BoH is stored within the space that the first is a portal to, and the first is stored in the material plane.



|| �� ||
||Goodies||
||_______||
| BoH #2 |
|_________|
BoH #1
Material Plane

The Random NPC
2015-11-18, 09:08 PM
But aren't they portals to the same plane or something? Kinda hard to have an opening to the Astral Plane IN the Astral Plane or whatever . . .

Kind of. From what I remember, a Bag of Holding takes some material from the Astral Plane to create a larger room. It might also exist on the Astral Plane, but it still works, because you're traveling to different spots on the Astral Plane.

GuesssWho
2015-11-19, 01:34 AM
So this just happened. (For reference, most of the DMs at the local AL work as assistants to the handicapped, so some of our players are, well, a little slow.)

James, our usual That Guy, was playing at a table DMed by Brandon--who is also a bit of a That Guy, only a lot more self-aware and likable. James' character up and randomly goes for a walk in the middle of the night. He climbs a ladder, stumbles around aimlessly for a bit, is startled by a statue of a spider due to being the most inept drow ever, and then jumps back down off the ladder. Which is 30 feet high.

After he knocks himself out the rest of our party, laughing helplessly, give up on him ever being useful. One of them even makes a bet with another as to whether he'll even manage to get back. Which is why the other half of the hilarity ensued, as Brandon is not the kind of DM who reigns people in. Brandon has the mind of a scholar, the appearance of a true gentleman and the personality of a class clown.

In pursuit of the bet, we hid James' PC behind a rock with the aid of prestidigitation and left them there. We cut a rope bridge so they couldn't reach us. Once it finally dawned on James that he needed to get back to us, and we had done our best to explain that his PC wouldn't know where the **** we were, he decided to resolve this by yelling for us at the top of his lungs. In a cavern that had a drow outpost in it. And then one of the PCs that had bet in favor of him returning yelled back.

The session ended just as a whole ****load of drow realized where we were.

dehro
2015-11-19, 03:49 AM
is startled by a statue of a spider due to being the most inept drow ever.https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcROJiigoaHvEWOd0q5HZgh-GsIDaK7G5lb2eDgbNOBrU28sLefu

GuesssWho
2015-11-19, 09:19 AM
https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcROJiigoaHvEWOd0q5HZgh-GsIDaK7G5lb2eDgbNOBrU28sLefu

That happened twice, actually. It was a very surprising statue.

Brion
2015-11-19, 10:45 AM
Reading someone else's post reminded me of some funny moments in our current Pathfinder campaign.

Party level: I think we were level 4 at this point, maybe only 3.
Party:
Human Oracle NG (Kaled Caan, Battle Mystery, me)
Human Paladin LG (Nicknamed Red, don't remember the character's actual name)
Human Ranger CG (Cauldon)
Human Sorcerer N (Nezlar)

The Scene:
We just slogged our way through a brutal dungeon crawl through a mine, and we're low on resources. We decide to try and find a safe place to rest but haven't found one, so we decide the next room will be it. Well, it certainly was. Turned out to be the boss's lair in an underground temple. The door opens to a 10ft. wide, 20 ft. long hallway with a door to the right. Straight ahead is a floor made of sand, overlooked by a balcony. The boss was a cleric with sorcerer support on the balcony and some generic archers. Since the cleric is melee based (and heavily buffed up) he jumps down and the fight begins. Things are going very poorly as the cleric is in half-plate with Shield of Faith and Barkskin (potion) up and we are barely landing any hits. Nezlar lands some heavy damage on their sorcerer and he goes down. The cleric is lighting me up. The archers are barely nicking us, but it's adding up fast and both myself and Red are out of healing.

We decide to fallback to the hallway just inside the doors to get out of archer fire. Of course the cleric followed us back. It turns out the door in that hall leads up to the balcony. Before we knew that, the cleric was on us but we scored some major hits and he was feeling woozy. Then the door opened with the archers standing in the hallway. On Cauldon's turn, he closed the door and landed a crit on the cleric that dropped him. When the archers opened the door again, our readied attacks went off, killed the one in front, and we closed the door again. To buy us a little more time before we headed in to finish them off.



Fast forward about 10 levels.

We are in a ziggurat that is evil beyond all comprehension. Somehow no one in our party has died and we even recruited a gnome bard follower (Allie). The very first door we open once we are inside the ziggurat, we are hit with a readied Blasphemy. All 3 of our Good characters proceed to fail their saves and are dazed + weakened. Nezlar makes his and gives us the bad news. The room contains a corrupted Ghaele Eladrin and 2 corrupted Sword Archons. Our solution? Since they're grouped together, Nezlar drops black tentacles on them, succeeds at grappling them all, and then closes the door. He spends the next couple of rounds shutting the door in the sword archons faces as they are constantly getting re-grappled (the Eladrin teleported out) and are spending all their actions to break the grapple and then open the door.

So now our combat tactics, when possible, always include slamming doors in the face of evil.

FlumphPaladin
2015-11-19, 12:41 PM
So now our combat tactics, when possible, always include slamming doors in the face of evil.

This all has a strange Philips CD-i vibe to it... shutting all the doors, Faces of Evil...
Nobody has ever addressed any PC or NPC as "muh boy," have they?

Mono Vertigo
2015-11-21, 06:19 AM
3 months ago, first NWoD session with friends (mostly newbies to the hobbies), I GM. While the most awake players are trying to figure out a plan, A states, with the utmost confidence: "I have 3 dots in Larceny."
(Nobody is discussing anything to do with that skill.)
It's so random we all start chuckling. I ask him to elaborate on what exactly he's trying to do in-character. He insists very seriously, without actually explaining (possibly because he's half-asleep at that point): "That's a lot in Larceny."

Skip to today, 2nd session. Just as the players are facing another complication and A - who didn't remember much at all from the first session, and especially not any of his actions - crashes the other players' unrelated discussion again to say, once again, deadpan, and without any more description of what he's trying to do: "I have 3 dots in Larceny."

Later, A tells me he'd like to change his character's name. Fair enough, their characters had been made in a rush, and we had not gotten far enough into the story that changing details like these isn't going to matter much.
He says he wants his character's name to be: "Nacor the Blue Rider".
I blink, because we're playing Demon: the Descent, aka biomechanical entities in a modern setting, and his character's cover as a human is that of an investigative journalist.
"I've read that great book with that guy called Nacor and..."
I blink again, and try to make sense of this in-character. "O-okay. Look. You're playing an investigative journalist. Well, a demon playing one. Remember? You, err, you could take it as your demon name, though. The pseudonym you'll keep among demons if you get other covers. Your human name is still Richard unless you want to change it, though."
"I'd decided to call myself Richard? That's something I did? Sweet! I'll ride on that horse and terrify-"

Nobody had decided on their demonic form, so admittedly, a demonic form that's that of an eldritch horse rider could be quite cool.

That all being said, I'm starting to consider instead a campaign of Exalted with the guy.


Bonus: after 10 minutes of the players discussing how to put explosive traps in an abandoned warehouse, then considering directly blowing up the bad guys, I suddenly realize that we're in a flat in real life, that we have neighbours, and that due to recent events, this is not a very good time or place for passionately discussing the setting up of bombs.
Pointed out: "You ARE aware that if you blow up that warehouse you'll have a news flash about a terrorist attack in an industrial area, and about the amount of trouble that this'll get you, well, where do I start."


TL;DR: 3 dots in Larceny is a big deal, Nacor the Blue Rider is a great name when you're anything but a human in a modern setting, and I should stop suggesting explosive/firey powers to new players when they don't know what to get.

GuesssWho
2015-11-21, 09:35 AM
Yay, Larceny! LOL

dehro
2015-11-22, 07:12 AM
our magical resources being thoroughly depleted halfway through a dungeon crawl, we decided to teleport the heck out of dodge, which required for us to split up in two groups, none of our casters being high level enough to carry us all in one go.
My half minotaur character counting for two in the carrying capacity rules, I ended up being teleported by a beguiler, together with a sorceress.
The beguiler rolled a.. I think 97. We ended up somewhere at the wrong end of faerun and had a narrow escape from an ancient white dragon by teleporting even further away.
The next day, the sorceress takes matters in her own hands and teleports us somewhere closer to home. We land next to a large pit that housed a creature a few sizes bigger than my minotaur. I ready my weapons, the creature, an enormous scorpion, moves next, trapping me in one of its pincers and lifting me off the ground.
Next up is the sorceress, who utters the following words...
"I'm out of here" and proceeds to teleport herself and the beguiler home... Leaving me to be slowly eaten by the creature.

I think my next character better watch his back...against his allies

Quertus
2015-11-22, 01:03 PM
I'll give it a try...

We're creating new characters at 1st level in 2e D&D. It's a large group, with diverse skill levels, and some players get done creating their characters before others. So some of the people who are done get bored, and decide that their characters meet in a bar.

Turns out, two of the characters have the same backstory: "greatest archer in the land". So they decide to settle this with an archery competition. Sounds reasonable enough. They choose to use a "Johnny Appleseed" contest, where they try to shoot the apples off of each other's heads. The two proceed outside, to find a secluded spot with some apples.

The first archer goes, and succeeds in shooting the apple of the second's head, reinforcing his claim of greatest archer in the land.

The second archer's turn. He fumbles the attack roll, shoots and kills the first archer.

Yup, still the greatest archer in the land.

So when the DM finishes up helping the last player, he starts calling out for people's character names, AC's, etc, and, to his surprise, one of the first players done says he's still working on it, as his first character already died!

So, in addition to being the better archer, the 1st character also won the group award for fastest death in the the group's history, at something like "T minus 20 minutes".

Same group, possibly same campaign, a different character who is the greatest archer of a different land (we don't want a repeat of last time, after all).

Skipping lots of sessions and lots of plot, this archer acquires a special magical arrow. Character hordes it away for later use to hang over his mantle when he retires.

Skipping lots of sessions and lots of plot, the party comes across a monster they can't damage. After several rounds, and numerous failed attempts to find some way to penetrate the creature's defenses, the archer realizes that, based on some of the script written on its shaft, the treasured magic arrow described above is specially designed to kill this creature. The archer digs through his possessions, and pulls out his prized arrow. He nocks the arrow, and draws a bead on the creature. But he hesitates. In the midst of roiling combat, he doesn't have a perfect shot - and he only has one arrow. He only gets one shot. What if he misses?

In a flash of inspiration, he throws down shoulders his bow, runs over, and stabs the monster in the back with the arrow. As the arrow sinks into the creature's flesh, a brilliant light erupts from within. The monster lets loose a horrific scream as the arrow destroys it from the inside out.

As the dust settles, the archer stands proudly over his kill. "And that," the archer proclaims, "is why I am the greatest archer in the land."

3.x did a lot to fix the rules of D&D.

Before 3e, AC started at 10, and went down. So AC 2 was better than AC 3; AC -10 was the "limit" in many campaigns, because that's where the AC table ended. <shudder>

Back in 2e, the phrase "AC 10" was thrown around a lot. Whenever we would say, "Touch AC" these days, 2e said "AC 10". In addition, if you were paralyzed or asleep, you were "AC 10". Helpless, bound in chains? AC 10. "AC 10" quickly became code for, "The worst thing imaginable."

So, imagine my surprise when, one day, I realized that, if you had no armor and a Dex penalty, you could actually have an AC worse than AC 10.

This was the seed for a new character concept. I invented a religion to facilitate this character, a cult that followed a god of death unlike any before it. A death god whose stricture required its followers to not avoid death. They were forbidden to wear armor, were trained to not avoid blows (ie, they had a *maximum* dex of <whatever gave a penalty to AC>. They had a special granted "power" that prevented them from gaining any benefit from AC-enhancing items, spells, etc, so that they did not accidentally avoid death.

I only played this character when I knew that the DM would call out for character's stats, including AC, at the beginning of the game. Invariably, when I would respond with "AC 11", jaws would drop, people would tell me that that wasn't possible, etc. Queue me pointing to how, in the rules, this was a completely legitimate build. Yes, this one goes to 11. Thus, new groups would be introduced to the fact that a) I was a rules lawyer; and b) I did not necessarily do it for my or the party's benefit. Seeing somebody manipulate the rules to make their character worse in order to match their vision would quickly draw out the roleplayers (yay!), who would often question my character about his religion. He even got a few converts.

Second edition D&D, starting off at first level, I had a character who was way overpowered (sort of), with a build... that relied on a number of custom things (unique to the group/campaign/setting/whatever), and, even without those, would still probably not be legal in most any other campaign. I demonstrated what he can do for the DM by having him throw a lightning bolt... for 1d6 damage... expending most of his "juice", and rendering him non-functional for several rounds thereafter. Impressive, but probably not completely world-ending - especially since I had to make several checks to pull that trick off.

The DM, who knew my skill with manipulating the rules (probably having seen my Cleric of Death), knew that this character could be a powerhouse if I wanted him to.

After showing off for the DM's benefit, the character didn't really do much of importance for a while, but the DM never forgot that the character had potential.

Then we encounter, not one, but a group of ogres. The party is terrified. My character simply hails the ogres, and nonchalantly strolls up to them. The ogres are hostile, but confused. Why is this sickly, jaundiced humanoid dressed in tattered rags not afraid of them? Why is he encouraging them to bring their friends, and why does he seem even more confident now that there are more of them than they can count (they don't have but 2 hands, after all - so they only know that there are "more than second thumb" of them, vs one of me)?

With unshakable confidence, my character proceeds to intimidate the ogres as a group, and bully them into serving us... by guarding the area they were already guarding. Basically, getting them to focus on the "the scary creature that is smarter than us and can count past second thumb and so knows not to be afraid of us even though we don't know why has even more allies that will be coming soon" part, the "doing what they were already doing" part, and the "happy that the request was so reasonable" part, so that the stupid creatures were too confused to really notice the "don't kill us" part.

After the fact, the DM asks me what my character would have done if the ogres had attacked. I shrugged and replied, "Died".

So, same character (and same party) as the above story, but a few levels later. I don't actually remember what the creature was, but some very high-end demon or devil - something a low-level party should never stand a chance against.

Now, a little about the party. Because party in-fighting was common with this group, the DM had declared that the characters of the two players most likely to try to kill each other's characters were "old friends" who had gone their separate ways, and were meeting back up at the start of the adventure. We all went off to our own corners to build our characters. When we returned, we discovered that our group consisted of a Paladin, an Assassin, an Undead Hunter, and his old friend, the Undead Master. And my character, the undauntable, sickly, "slowly undying" historian. Anyone in their right mind would have scratched this party before we even got started; fortunately, we were all insane. :smallwink: We used (DM invented) items and talents to conceal alignments, undead, etc. Even with all these tricks, it was clear that some of the characters didn't trust (and didn't like) each other.

To finish setting the tone, I should point out that my character didn't care about anyone - including himself. He cared about researching and recording history, and would do so to his dying breath - and beyond it, if possible. Only his mission mattered; anything that got in his way would have to get with the program, kill him, or die. Thus his unflappable intimidation of things that could turn him into a thin red yellow paste.

So, we're searching through our current dungeon of choice, when the Undead Master trips a trap, and falls through a portal... into an extradimensional space that is serving as a prison for the aforementioned Balor. My character wins initiative, walks up to the portal, casts (probably) Protection from Evil 10' Radius, and begins negotiation with the Balor. The rest of the party doesn't take any aggressive action; the Paladin walks up beside me while the Demon grabs the Undead Master. The Demon presses against my barrier, and tries to convince me to let it out. At first, the tone is more like, "let me out now, and I promise you a swift death." Oddly, we reject that offer. As time passes, the tone slowly shifts to "let me out now, and I'll return your companion". The Demon is a bit surprised that we don't accept that offer, either - and that I/we seem completely unconcerned about what it by this point likely considers to be my (surprisingly durable) apprentice. Eventually, the tone shifts to a much more subservient, "what do you want?" It never quite adds, "master" to the end of that sentence, but, once we get to this point, the Demon gives in to all of my demands.

At the time, I was very confused by this; after the fact, I realized that the Demon was judging our power by how long the Protection from Evil spell lasted. Because of the Paladin's aura, it appeared that we were actually god-like beings, so far beyond the Balor that it was hardly worthy of our time, and that my character's confidence was actually warranted. The Paladin used very strategic placement, made sure we moved together, etc, to sell this illusion, and convince this creature not to mess with us.

In the end, we got our party member back, and the demon agreed to write 100 years of history for my character - which, in a flash-forward, was revealed to be an autobiographical account of how it tortured this being and corrupted that soul etc throughout its career.

EvilAnagram
2015-11-22, 01:05 PM
This is the story of how a forgetful DM leads to ridiculous outcomes in a very tense session.

One of my players took Booming Blade as a cantrip. For those of you unfamiliar with 5e, Booming Blade is a cantrip that allows you to make an attack. After you attack, the enemy will take thunder damage if it willingly moves.

Let's look at some menacing creature that exploded spectacularly because I forgot about that:

A Blink Dog.
A possessed scarecrow
A goblin
A monstrous Peryton


Tense, sometimes downright terrifying encounters ended in gore confetti, tk everyone's amusement.

Brion
2015-11-23, 08:19 AM
I'll give it a try...

Same group, possibly same campaign, a different character who is the greatest archer of a different land (we don't want a repeat of last time, after all).

Skipping lots of sessions and lots of plot, this archer acquires a special magical arrow. Character hordes it away for later use to hang over his mantle when he retires.

Skipping lots of sessions and lots of plot, the party comes across a monster they can't damage. After several rounds, and numerous failed attempts to find some way to penetrate the creature's defenses, the archer realizes that, based on some of the script written on its shaft, the treasured magic arrow described above is specially designed to kill this creature. The archer digs through his possessions, and pulls out his prized arrow. He nocks the arrow, and draws a bead on the creature. But he hesitates. In the midst of roiling combat, he doesn't have a perfect shot - and he only has one arrow. He only gets one shot. What if he misses?

In a flash of inspiration, he throws down shoulders his bow, runs over, and stabs the monster in the back with the arrow. As the arrow sinks into the creature's flesh, a brilliant light erupts from within. The monster lets loose a horrific scream as the arrow destroys it from the inside out.

As the dust settles, the archer stands proudly over his kill. "And that," the archer proclaims, "is why I am the greatest archer in the land."

Hah! I love it. My oracle (Pathfinder) ends up something like this pretty often. The first few rounds of combat I am usually in the back ranks throwing up buffs and supporting the field. When I join the melee, things are already low on hp so I walk in and finish them off. It's pretty common to roll an 80+ damage crit on something that had less than 10 hp remaining and boast about how great I am.

TheIronSoldier
2015-11-24, 03:19 PM
Completely new to this forum, so excuse me if I do anything wrong. My bad, please let me know.

ANYWAYS. I'm still new to D&D, had my first game less than half a year ago. 3.5 edition, Seven swords of sin campaign. DM is super laid back, and he let me make some shenaniganry up for my character. So I'm playing a level 4/3 Cleric/psychic warrior Geode Golem as my player character, the crystals inside the golem are psionic crystals so psychic warrior. (I only speak Terran and dwarvish). Rest of the party is a 7th level sorcerer Changeling (Who speaks just about every language.), a human rogue who's 6th level rogue 1st level trueblade (Only speaks common), A "blue monkey" paladin who is possessed with smiting evil (Speaks common), and a Druid who's a snow elf. (Speaks common, sylvan, druidic and elvish). I came in late to the party, so I (The geode golem) wound up running into the party in the middle of a dungeon.The story is this: The others are just entering a room with a huge lakeish thing in the center of it. They hear some metallic grinding from the room ahead. They send the rogue over to go and look since she has the best move silently skill. She opens the door on the far side of the room to come face to rock with my geode golem, who has just walked through the ventilation fans in the next room. The rogue panics and runs back to the rest of the party.

Aaaaaand the Giant squid that was in the lake now rears its ugly head. A tentacle comes up, swipes at the majority of the players. The paladin is the only one that makes reflex save to not get hit/grappled by tentacles. The druid gets knocked across the room and the sorcerer and rogue get grappled. The sorcerer drops below 0 in the first round of combat, is promptly dropped by the squid, and falls face first into the lake. The rogue fails to get out of the grapple and gets squeezed even tighter and is now very close to dead. The druid is stunned from his flight. The Geode golem rushes into action and Dimension swaps the sorceror. The sorcerer is now unconcious on dry land and the Golem is quickly sinking. The paladin swings and misses.

Next round begins, The rogue drops below zero and is dropped by the squid. Sorcerer still unconcious. Druid gets up and begins attempting to cast Flaming sphere. Golem is now at bottom of the lake, looking up at the bottom of the squid, a little more than 2 feet above him. He draws his kopesh. (Yes, the golem has a kopesh. It's +1 frost.) And stabs the squid from underneath. The squid FLIPS out. Paladin gets grabbed but manages to keep hold of the twin-headed flaming flail and hits the squid a couple times.

In the next round the Druid flaming spheres the living daylights out of the squid, the Golem continues stabbing and the Palading keeps smiting. Eventually we kill the squid and the Golem burns all of his healing spells on the sorcerer and rogue. Then proceeds to have a heated discussion about squids and the anatomies of squishies with the sorcerer in Terran.

TL;DR: First game of D&D, I ganked a squid.

Lil fudge
2015-11-29, 04:37 PM
I've been reading this thread for a while now, and it's pretty awesome, so I decided to post a story of my own (I would use spoilers, but I don't know how). The specific members of the party aren't particularly important for this.

So, we were tracking some guy through a dense forest, and his trail ended at a tree. I decide to climb the tree and look for any sign of his passage with no luck (the DM didn't actually plan on us following him, so it pretty much failed whether we wanted it to or not). The paladin in our group rolls a spot and gets a 1, managing to disturb a nearby raccoon by looking at it "threateningly". So it jumps on his face and starts biting him. One critical later, and the raccoon is decapitated. Well, it turns out there was a family of raccoons in that tree that just watched papa die, and they were all surrounding me. I quickly jumped out of the tree but not before one crawled into my sack. I decided to grab it closed and go back to camp while the rest of the party fights its family. Now there are two parts to this story. The first is my party's experience, and the other is mine.

The party

So, the raccoons attack, and one of them crawls into the fighter's armor (this fight wasn't hard. Just amusing. We were level 5s) He successfully manages to grab the raccoon by the tail and proceeds to maul them with it. He kills 3 of the 4 (one of the 3 being the weapon) and the paladin kills the other. Now the fighter has a raccoon head tied to his tower shield, which was presented to him by the paladin in honor of his "valor".

Me

I'm back at camp at this point, with a very angry raccoon thrashing around inside my bag. I wasn't really worried because all I had in it was some gold and my thieves tools (i was playing a spellthief). So, I decided to mess with it, and started poking it with a stick, making it even more angry. At this point, my DM looked at me and said, "remind me, what was in your bag again." It was only then that I remembered that all of my rations were in that bag. I quickly brought the bag down on my knee in an attempt to kill it and rolled extremely low. My tools ripped a hole in the bag large enough for the raccoon to escape, climb up my leg and bite me. I was mad now, so I grabbed it and threw it in the fire, but my DM really liked this raccoon so he let it live (even though raccoons have a max hp of like 2). As it ran away, I shot it with my corssbow, and only managed to shoot through it's tail, pinning it to the ground (like I said, the DM really liked that stupid raccoon). About then, I noticed a really bad smell coming from the bag. Upon further investigation, I found that all of my food was gone, and it had been replaced by FREAKING RACCOON FECES. I was so pissed that I went up to the struggling raccoon and branded it with a flaming stick. It then barfed on my armor as it died.



Well, the DM gave me a -4 to all charisma checks involving people as long as I still had the armor and bag with me. So I burned them. Armor and all. When the party awoke the next morning, our camp smelled like crap and singed fur. There was also the fact that the dead raccoon was surrounded by flowers now and had a picture of his raccoon family next to him. A funeral had been held for him by his family overnight (extended family of course, since his immediate family was kind of dead).

goto124
2015-11-29, 08:22 PM
Speaking of raccoon funerals (http://40.media.tumblr.com/b26b8ebaec8954c63e11b23ce16a28ca/tumblr_nrab00bhmy1tzlqkbo1_1280.jpg).

dehro
2015-11-30, 04:15 AM
This made me laugh much more than it should've

TeChameleon
2015-11-30, 08:12 PM
Speaking of raccoon funerals (http://40.media.tumblr.com/b26b8ebaec8954c63e11b23ce16a28ca/tumblr_nrab00bhmy1tzlqkbo1_1280.jpg).
For context, if anyone is curious/cares, the dead raccoon was on a sidewalk in Toronto. After someone contacted Animal Services to get it removed, it took more than twelve hours before it was picked up (http://www.boredpanda.com/dead-raccoon-memorial-shrine-mourning-deadraccoonto-toronto/).

The moral of the story appears to be 'Canadians may be polite, but we will deploy weapons-grade snark when the occasion calls for it'.

turbo164
2015-12-01, 09:07 AM
I've seen similar pictures of roadkill deer with a "Get Well Soon" balloon tied to its leg, and a bunny with a spilled basket of colored eggs :smallwink:

AGCIAS
2015-12-01, 11:14 PM
So, I told my gaming group one of the tag lines from here (not the Smith thing again) and they rolled on the floor over it. Totally two orders of magnitude over what I expected. I sat down to write about it. And suffered a complete and total meltdown. I have no idea what I was going to write. I love senility. So here's another meanwhile...

Meanwhile, in the village of Siz-boom-balla near the Bright Desert, Smegma the Odiferous fumbles a summoning spell and gets two oval patches of cloth marked “Dr. Soul's Odor Eaters.” Smegma subsequently vanishes and is never seen or heard from again.

This has nothing to do with our adventure, but I thought I'd mention it.

Odin's Eyepatch
2015-12-04, 12:01 PM
So, we had spent a large part of the campaign trying to retrieve a powerful (god-killing) sword from the bad guys, and when we finally found it, we decided to make a decoy, and hide the real sword underneath a tree near the castle we were squatting in. Fastforward a few days later, and the monk, who had made up this plan, discovers that the real sword had been stolen and replaced by a crudely done stone sword, with the words SuPRIse SUprIsE written on it.

'Monk enters room, stage left'

Monk: ALERT! SOMEBODY STOLE THE SWORD! WHO DID IT?

'Enter stage right, the rest of the party, including the sorcerer known for his practical jokes'

Monk: YOU! YOU DID THIS! ADMIT IT! <half-baked garbled accusations>


'Monk runs at sorcerer and shouts in his face. Sorcerer starts denying having messed around with the valuable artefact'

Wizard: Ok, He's gone mental, I cast Reverse Gravity on him.
DM: both "Monk" and "Sorcerer" find themselves on the ceiling.
Monk: SO! AD-
Ninja (OOC): don't they take falling damage?
DM (OOC): the ceiling is low enough that I'm going to ignore it.
Ninja (OOC): Well, I stand next to them and meditate upside down.
Monk: WHY WOUL-
Sorcerer (OOC to Ninja): Is there enough space in the Reverse Gravity for you to be next to us?
Wizard (OOC): Reverse Gravity is pretty modular, I can pretty much make it just around both Monk and Sorcerer.
Ninja (OOC): I think its 10ft cubes, or something like that?
DM (OOC): Yeah, that's it.
Ninja (OOC): I think that's enough space for me to meditate next to them in the Reverse Gravity.
Wizard (OOC): Fa-
Monk: GUYS! I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THE GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION HERE!

AGCIAS
2015-12-08, 09:28 PM
So, a couple of the players in my current 5th Ed. Game are REALLY avid Warhammer players. Vast armies, constantly working with new armies and painting new minis (the DM is incredible in painting and modifying figures). So I repeated a quote from here:
"Warhammer 40K: Where the faction that is a cross between the Inquisition and Space Nazis are the good guys."

They looked at me blankly for a couple of seconds then started from denial, "No, that's not ...", to acceptance, " I guess that's right". I think I may have injured their Warhammer bone.

GuesssWho
2015-12-09, 07:22 AM
I've never seen the Imperium as the good guys.

Inevitability
2015-12-09, 12:21 PM
Warhammer has good guys?

Cazero
2015-12-09, 12:50 PM
With litteraly quintillions of new people being born every day, statistically, at least few of them must be good.
Right?

Inevitability
2015-12-09, 02:03 PM
With litteraly quintillions of new people being born every day, statistically, at least few of them must be good.
Right?

I wouldn't put it past some of the factions to genetically engineer away compassion and other such things.

GuesssWho
2015-12-09, 05:46 PM
I wouldn't put it past some of the factions to genetically engineer away compassion and other such things.

Including the Imperium.

Cazero
2015-12-10, 02:16 AM
Well, duh, that one is a given.
They're the last hope of humanity and are called Space Marines.

GuesssWho
2015-12-10, 06:39 PM
Sounds like you have a very low opinion of humanity LOL

. . . join the club.

p_johnston
2015-12-10, 07:45 PM
In the fifth edition campaign I was running a few months ago I decided to give my characters fun cursed items. The party rouge (Malcom) had boots of elvenkind that wouldn't let him retreat, The Monk (Ram) had a wand of cure light wounds that occasionally rolled on a specialized "chaos table" I devised, The Wizard (Gledon Weck) had a magic rope that liked to strangle people, things of that nature.

One of my players (Nicknamed Lucky) had just rolled up a new character, and I let him pick from the hat to get his new cursed item (the hat had a believe three choices left at the time). He picked the Iron Flask. The only description of the flask they could get was "normally these flask are able to entirely contain whatever entity is within. For some reason this one seems to emanate magic almost like it's not entirely able to hold whatever is inside." Every other member of the group immediately tells lucky "do not open the flask." "You shouldn't open the flask." "The flask is the last possible resort."

So at the end of the session, just before we wrap up, Lucky pulls me aside and we go outside to talk. After a few minutes me and lucky enter back into the apartment and I turn to the rest of the group "so the city is being attacked by a Balor...."

GuesssWho
2015-12-10, 08:10 PM
Oh Christ.

. . . I'd have gone with something even worse, though. Like a Great Old One.

Orangeboy2
2015-12-10, 10:25 PM
So I've got an interesting one. We are playing D&D 2nd edition and have gotten a quest that has lead us to this building called the Colossus. It is a huge, HUGE statue of a man sitting pretty much in the middle of nowhere that was rumored to kill everyone who entered. We go in, obviously, and one of our party members missed a saving throw and turns to dust by touching the door handle. (This guy had been complaining about how he hated his character, so the DM gave him a magical door as a way to introduce a new one. We used detect magic, it was a magic door, not simply a door with a ward on it.) Anyway, he introduces a new character and we enter without problem, hearing the door close behind us. We start making our way through the Colossus, and find many things, but only three relevant to this story. The first was a magical fountain thing that took its water directly from the elemental plane of water, basically a never ending world of water and fish things. The second is a mage we had met before that said specifically "Do whatever you want in here, but DON'T DESTROY THE LIBRARY!", and the last were some empty barrels.

Anyway we get up to the head of this thing and find a fire elemental waiting for us. We try to fight it, and get absolutely trashed due to some bad rolls and having spent most of our spells for the day. So, we decide that hey, the door at the bottom is magical right? And we have a pool of unlimited water right? And there is a fire elemental at the top of this dungeon right? Sooo we break the edge of the portal to the elemental plane of water, wait for the entire building to fill up with water, get in barrels and wait for the water to kill the elemental. Then we break the eyes of the Colossus, which was made of some thin gem like material, and climb down the face of the statue with our fighter's very convenient mountaineering proficiency and equipment. Yeah, needless to say we destroyed the library and got that wizard really pissed at us, but it was worth it.

ReaderAt2046
2015-12-11, 08:06 PM
So, a couple of the players in my current 5th Ed. Game are REALLY avid Warhammer players. Vast armies, constantly working with new armies and painting new minis (the DM is incredible in painting and modifying figures). So I repeated a quote from here:
"Warhammer 40K: Where the faction that is a cross between the Inquisition and Space Nazis are the good guys."

They looked at me blankly for a couple of seconds then started from denial, "No, that's not ...", to acceptance, " I guess that's right". I think I may have injured their Warhammer bone.

SQUEE!!!:smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin:

Hawkstar
2015-12-12, 08:20 AM
Well, duh, that one is a given.
They're the last hope of humanity and are called Space Marines.

Ironically, the Space Marines tend to be quite compassionate, at least if Dawn of War is anything to go by.

That is something I've notices about Warhammer 40k - The people themselves tend to not be bad (Unless they're corrupted by chaos). But the insidious, corrupting nature of Chaos, and sheer amount of distrust it creates, makes the awfulness mandatory. Oh yeah, and the sheer scale of everything happens to be a force-multiplier for human flaws.

AGCIAS
2015-12-12, 09:30 AM
Oh yeah, and the sheer scale of everything happens to be a force-multiplier for human flaws.

That certainly does seem to be a trope in science fiction. At least in writing. In reality, it seems that it is only a force multiplier for incompetence.

Darth Tom
2015-12-13, 04:58 PM
Guy at my Shadows of Brimstone game told this story about some D&D he played about 20 years ago that I just had to share.

He and a friend both had some quite optimised characters: he was a high level half-orc barbarian, and his friend was a gnome illusionist/rogue. They were playing for the first time with two guys who were ridiculously high level and optimised: to give you a flavour, the relevant character was a level 20+ elf fighter/mage with Gauntlets of Ogre Power, a Belt of Storm Giant Strength and the Hammer of Thunder; three items that allowed their respective insane bonuses to stack. Serious guys. To picture the OOC scene, throughout the story they are in the same room, passing notes to the DM for anything they don't want the other players to know.

Having battled their way through a complex, trap-laden maze filled with monsters, they encountered the final boss who was some kind of lich. In the room was a statue with a gem that was the objective of the adventure. Epic battle ensures, during the course of which the gnome decides to quietly steal and hide the gem. Battle finishes, and the characters find the gem isn't there and start searching the room. My friend is genuinely searching like the others, but as you can imagine the gnome is half-heartedly peeking under carpets and similar. Suspicion is aroused when the gnome's player starts giggling uncontrollably. Furious recriminations ensure and before long both the half-orc and the gnome are fleeing back through the maze with the other two casting up spectral mounts and such to pursue them.

Running away won't do the trick, so the gnome casts an illusion of a tunnel with a closed portcullis, with the two characters fleeing at the other end. [This is cast on a solid wall with solid rock behind it (edited because the original was unclear).]

The elf sees this, tries to lift the "gate" with his sheer strength. No luck.

Tries to use magic to bend the metal. No luck.

Teleports to the other side of the gate.

Dies instantly.

They weren't invited back.

goto124
2015-12-14, 02:59 AM
Teleports to the other side of the gate.

Dies instantly.

They weren't invited back.

... dies instantly? How and why?

Cazero
2015-12-14, 07:33 AM
... dies instantly? How and why?

Illusory gate on a wall. Death by teleporting in solid matter. Many possible causes. Stuck in the rock, unable to breathe or do anything, and dies slowly and horribly. Or the entire body dissolve in solid rock instantly.

goto124
2015-12-14, 10:10 AM
So the illusion was on a wall. That explains a bit.

... I didn't know it was even possible to teleport into solid matter.

dehro
2015-12-14, 11:58 AM
Wile E. Coyote springs to mind..


my previous 3.5 character, a half minotaur warblade, was abandoned by his fellow party members in somewhat cowardly fashion.
we needed to teleport to safety and had to split up into two groups because not one caster was high level enough to transport us all.
I was transported by a sorceress who was using someone else's magic wand, with abysmal results... we ended up somewhere in the clutches of a white dragon. to escape that, we jumped somewhere else again.. landing right next to a pit containing an unknown menace. I readied my weapons, the sorceress readied her action.. I was grabbed by an enormous scorpion, dragged out of her reach and she decided to take the hint and teleport without waiting for me to try and free myself.
my half- minotaur was nibbled to death.

fast forward to last friday, with my 2 sessions old character... we are getting collectively trounced by a party of giants led by one who has a constant field of antimagic centered upon himself. The cowardly sorceress bites it and gets plastered upon the nearest wall. To escape a similar faith, the beguiler in the party decides to teleport us all away. We spend the next round getting in reach and "touching" one another to form the teleport chain.. Except the beguiler has missed one crucial bit of info.. one of our tanks had increased its size to better stand up against the giants. large creatures count for two when teleported...
and he couldn't teleport us all.
the DM decided to assing a number to each of the teleported characters.
not for a second did I believe the die roll wouldn't turn up my number.

of course everybody vamoosed and I was left standing there, having spent my action for the round getting in reach of the spell. Next up are the giants... half a dozen of them....

Hawkstar
2015-12-14, 09:58 PM
So the illusion was on a wall. That explains a bit.

... I didn't know it was even possible to teleport into solid matter.

In most modern editions, it's not. You take damage and are shunted to nearest place.

Frankly, I'm seeing a case of "How dare someone have a more powerful character than me!"

The Random NPC
2015-12-15, 01:16 AM
In most modern editions, it's not. You take damage and are shunted to nearest place.

Frankly, I'm seeing a case of "How dare someone have a more powerful character than me!"

It seems like the story was 2e, in which if you did, you died automatically.

Vertharrad
2015-12-15, 07:31 AM
So the illusion was on a wall. That explains a bit.

... I didn't know it was even possible to teleport into solid matter.

It's december 2015...20 years ago was 1995, 3rd edition came out 2000(I know because I "cut my teeth" on RPG's with DnD in the latter end of 2.5 in 1997, bought a dragon or two and found found out about the future release of 3e)...so 2e wherein you could teleport into solid objects((such as stone or a wall, etc.) and die.

Hamste
2015-12-16, 11:15 AM
Guy at my Shadows of Brimstone game told this story about some D&D he played about 20 years ago that I just had to share.

He and a friend both had some quite optimised characters: he was a high level half-orc barbarian, and his friend was a gnome illusionist/rogue. They were playing for the first time with two guys who were ridiculously high level and optimised: to give you a flavour, the relevant character was a level 20+ elf fighter/mage with Gauntlets of Ogre Power, a Belt of Storm Giant Strength and the Hammer of Thunder; three items that allowed their respective insane bonuses to stack. Serious guys. To picture the OOC scene, throughout the story they are in the same room, passing notes to the DM for anything they don't want the other players to know.

Having battled their way through a complex, trap-laden maze filled with monsters, they encountered the final boss who was some kind of lich. In the room was a statue with a gem that was the objective of the adventure. Epic battle ensures, during the course of which the gnome decides to quietly steal and hide the gem. Battle finishes, and the characters find the gem isn't there and start searching the room. My friend is genuinely searching like the others, but as you can imagine the gnome is half-heartedly peeking under carpets and similar. Suspicion is aroused when the gnome's player starts giggling uncontrollably. Furious recriminations ensure and before long both the half-orc and the gnome are fleeing back through the maze with the other two casting up spectral mounts and such to pursue them.

Running away won't do the trick, so the gnome casts an illusion of a tunnel with a closed portcullis, with the two characters fleeing at the other end. [This is cast on a solid wall with solid rock behind it (edited because the original was unclear).]

The elf sees this, tries to lift the "gate" with his sheer strength. No luck.

Tries to use magic to bend the metal. No luck.

Teleports to the other side of the gate.

Dies instantly.

They weren't invited back.

So the gnome steals the macguffin, the two optimized characters gets annoyed, the gnome flees with the macguffin, the gnome then initiates pvp (Which it is, it might not have been a direct attack on the characters but it was done to kill them) to kill the optimized characters and somehow it was the optimized characters fault?

GuesssWho
2015-12-16, 01:44 PM
It is when they're totally disrupting the atmosphere and the fun, which it seems like they were.

illyahr
2015-12-16, 01:51 PM
Honestly, I was hearing Yakety Sax playing in the background while reading that story.

Vanima Del Ray
2015-12-17, 12:45 PM
I was once a dm of a group where one character spoke muscle, and the harpooned a porpoise turning it into a narwhal n threw it at a dire shark....still not sure how much damage a large porpoise stuffed with a spear would deal to be honest

illyahr
2015-12-17, 01:19 PM
I was once a dm of a group where one character spoke muscle, and the harpooned a porpoise turning it into a narwhal n threw it at a dire shark....still not sure how much damage a large porpoise stuffed with a spear would deal to be honest

Enough to fend off a dire shark, obviously. :smalltongue:

Vanima Del Ray
2015-12-17, 01:44 PM
Enough to fend off a dire shark, obviously. :smalltongue:

Yup lol that was a fun night, maybe I should try that in Thursdays game??

illyahr
2015-12-17, 01:48 PM
Yup lol that was a fun night, maybe I should try that in Thursdays game??

Whoa, there. Remember some of the core tennets of being a DM:
Never plan on the players doing something, they won't.
Never plan on the players not doing something, they will.

Samwich
2015-12-17, 09:25 PM
I was once in a group playing a 5th edition campaign. The DM had us going through this vampire's castle in an alternate dimension, and we had to get the vampire's heart to return to our world. After a few sessions, we managed to reach the vampire's chamber. But only half of the party came to the session. There was
Me: Wood Elf Ranger, 8th level
Ethan: Half Elf Paladin, 8th level
Blake: High Elf Wizard, 9th level

So there we were, fighting for our lives. Blake was blasting the vampire with every fire spell he had, and Ethan had a flame tongue blade, so they dealt a lot of damage. I was standing in the corner, firing off useless shots with my bow. I decided that improvisation was needed.

Me: "So, you know how if you hold up a magnifying glass to the sun, you can focus the light and start a fire?"
DM: "Yeah..."
Me: "Well, my telescope is a lot more powerful than a magnifying glass, so I hold a torch up to one end and point it at the vampire."

The DM decided that my solution was creative, and he let it work. I dealt 40 damage with DND's first laser beam.

goto124
2015-12-18, 12:54 AM
Does it work IRL though?

Cazero
2015-12-18, 03:13 AM
Probably not. You need high energy to ignite stuff, and a torch just doesn't provide that energy as light. It provide it as fire.

Surpriser
2015-12-18, 05:31 PM
Does it work IRL though?

If it did, operating any sort of magnifying lense during the day (or even in proximity of any source of light) would be highly dangerous - which it isn't.

Madbox
2015-12-18, 09:19 PM
It would not work IRL, for two reasons. One, there would not be enough light. The sun is several orders of magnitude brighter than a torch, and it can still be tricky to start a fire with sunlight. Second, the sort of telescopes that would be available with medieval or renaissance technology has a convex and a concave lens. Only concave lenses can start fires by focusing light, and convex lenses scatter light. You would need to dismantle the telescope, and use the proper lens to focus the light.

That being said, I think it's an awesome idea and it's really cool of your DM for allowing it :smallbiggrin:

AGCIAS
2015-12-18, 11:06 PM
I see the temptation, but I don't think I would have let it fly. And certainly never more than once. :)
Last week I had to be in a Christmas parade ... in a suit (attorney). And to make it in time I had to leave (and come back) in the middle of the game. So I warned the DM of this and that I would have to show up for the game in a suit. I said I hope no one minded. This is what happened.

DM: Josh (another player) has a crippling fear of suits.
Me: S**t! I'll leave the jacket in the car.
DM: He is in a frenzied panic just over me mentioning you will be in a suit. Dear God! He's beating the neighbor children mercilessly.
Me: DJ (my wife) says she will send him some meds (She is a psychologist but married me anyway). Alternately, I could just take all my clothes off.
DM: Three cars are now on fire.

At this point DJ and I are both about rolling on the floor. The next day rain took out the parade so I didn't have to go in a suit. I told the DM that.

DM: That's good, my neighbors will be happy their children will be safe.

This weekend I'm going to take a suit with me.

Samwich
2015-12-20, 09:49 AM
In the same campaign as earlier, we had moved to a different parallel universe. In this world, there was a demon raising a powerful army which we had to stop. We were told that a powerful lich would be joining the army soon, and we needed to stop him. We found a point in the forest where we could ambush his carriage, and set up.

As soon as the carriage approached, we blasted it with fire and oil and everything we had. I shot one of the guards, but only dealt 10 damage. The wizard laughed at me, and I silently fumed.

Unfortunately, the lich had turned invisible and began to bombard us with spells. We began to frantically search for him. The barbarian had an interesting tactic.

Greyson: "I use my helmet to fly up, chug as much alcohol as I can, and pee everywhere!"
DM: "Fine, make an dumba$$ check."
Greyson: rolls "Natural 20!"

So the barbarian peed out 50 square feet of urine, and still didn't find the lich.

After some more searching, we finally found the lich and unleashed everything on him. My turn came, and everyone the wizard said that he thought I would do another 10 damage or some other pathetic number. So I activated all my buffs, and proceeded to deal 100 damage to the lich. Who's mr 10 damage now, wizard?

Madbox
2015-12-23, 12:38 AM
I guess I have a few stories as well.


So, last week, in the 5e game I'm in, we were looking into some suspicious activity in a graveyard. Turns out to be a necromancer's lab. Thankfully they aren't home, since we're all level 1 or 2. We defeat a bunch of skeletons in one room, go down some stairs, and find ourselves in the necromancer's workshop. We see a note from the necro to their assistant giving instructions to put some ingredients into a pot.

Our brilliant rogue follows the directions, and the 5 skeletons we just fought resurrect.

We roll initiative and do well. The skeletons are trying to come down the stairs, so I plant my warlock directly in front of the stairs. And then none of the skeletons are able to beat my puny AC12. So our party is able to snipe them, since apparently they are chivalrous skeletons that won't hit a lady (character is girl).

So we go on to the next room, and there are some zombies and some magic glyphs on the wall that are buffing the zombies. We go into combat, and the rogue throws his dagger at one of the glyphs, destroying it. My turn, I use my bonus action to give the rogue my daggers. Bard does the same. Eventually we win.

After the fight, we tell the rogue he can keep the daggers if he wants, since the bard and I have better ranged attacks. So now the rogue has 5 or 6 daggers. We go back into town, and I ask the DM if I can go shopping. I have about 150 gold, and the bard is the only one of us who can heal, so I figure a couple of healing potions would be nice, along with a few other things. Meanwhile, the rogue looks at prices in the PHB, and realizes that daggers are really cheap. So now he has 15 daggers strapped to himself. Needless to say, everyone is watching us very carefully, especially since the bard has already gotten into trouble with the law.

Bandits can be surprisingly polite sometimes.

Same group, I'm playing the same character, but the rogue wasn't there for this session, and we had a few players that weren't there for the necromancer. We were told that someone was trying to buy a dragon egg. Apparently this buyer resembles our monk, so we were sent by the authorities to "buy" the egg with fake diamonds, and slip a pin with a tracking spell onto the seller. We do this, and after the seller has left and we are about to leave ourselves, a half orc steps out of a building and stops us.

Turns out that his group had heard of the deal, and wanted the egg. I try for an intimidation check and fail. Turns out he had a bunch of people hidden nearby. So now we have a mob of bandits.

One of us, I forget who, tries a persuasion check and makes it. So they ask the bandit leader, "How about we settle this like gentlemen? We pick our strongest fighter, you pick yours, and they have a boxing match, winner gets the egg?" Their leader agrees and steps forward, saying he is the strongest in his group. We send our monk out. The egg is placed to the side

At this point, I ask the obvious question. "How do we know that your men won't just take the egg and run?"

"I give you my word."
"That's not their word."
"Men?"
In unison, the bandits jump to attention and say "We will not touch the egg unless you win, SIR!"

Now our dragonborn decides he wants a side wager. The bandit's men agree, so now both sides also have 10 gold riding on this fight.

I don't know what the bandit's stats were, but he was a half-orc, so he probably had high strength and constitution. Our monk was level 1, as were the rest of us. Needless to say, our monk was defeated. The bandit grabs the egg and looks at it. The DM rolls a spot check for him in front of us, nat 20.

"Huh. Did you realize that this is a fake? I guess I have no use for it. I suppose I might let it go for 20 gold if you still want it."

We were told to bring the egg back, and promised 200 for it, so even after losing 10 on the bet and 20 for the egg, we would come out ahead. So we agreed and shook hands with the bandit. As we are leaving, he says "That was a good fight. If I ever run into you folks at a bar, remind me to buy you a drink."

Nicest bandits I've ever met.

turbo164
2015-12-23, 10:23 AM
I guess I have a few stories as well.


So, last week, in the 5e game I'm in, we were looking into some suspicious activity in a graveyard. Turns out to be a necromancer's lab. Thankfully they aren't home, since we're all level 1 or 2. We defeat a bunch of skeletons in one room, go down some stairs, and find ourselves in the necromancer's workshop. We see a note from the necro to their assistant giving instructions to put some ingredients into a pot.

Our brilliant rogue follows the directions, and the 5 skeletons we just fought resurrect.

We roll initiative and do well. The skeletons are trying to come down the stairs, so I plant my warlock directly in front of the stairs. And then none of the skeletons are able to beat my puny AC12. So our party is able to snipe them, since apparently they are chivalrous skeletons that won't hit a lady (character is girl).

So we go on to the next room, and there are some zombies and some magic glyphs on the wall that are buffing the zombies. We go into combat, and the rogue throws his dagger at one of the glyphs, destroying it. My turn, I use my bonus action to give the rogue my daggers. Bard does the same. Eventually we win.

After the fight, we tell the rogue he can keep the daggers if he wants, since the bard and I have better ranged attacks. So now the rogue has 5 or 6 daggers. We go back into town, and I ask the DM if I can go shopping. I have about 150 gold, and the bard is the only one of us who can heal, so I figure a couple of healing potions would be nice, along with a few other things. Meanwhile, the rogue looks at prices in the PHB, and realizes that daggers are really cheap. So now he has 15 daggers strapped to himself. Needless to say, everyone is watching us very carefully, especially since the bard has already gotten into trouble with the law.

Bandits can be surprisingly polite sometimes.

Same group, I'm playing the same character, but the rogue wasn't there for this session, and we had a few players that weren't there for the necromancer. We were told that someone was trying to buy a dragon egg. Apparently this buyer resembles our monk, so we were sent by the authorities to "buy" the egg with fake diamonds, and slip a pin with a tracking spell onto the seller. We do this, and after the seller has left and we are about to leave ourselves, a half orc steps out of a building and stops us.

Turns out that his group had heard of the deal, and wanted the egg. I try for an intimidation check and fail. Turns out he had a bunch of people hidden nearby. So now we have a mob of bandits.

One of us, I forget who, tries a persuasion check and makes it. So they ask the bandit leader, "How about we settle this like gentlemen? We pick our strongest fighter, you pick yours, and they have a boxing match, winner gets the egg?" Their leader agrees and steps forward, saying he is the strongest in his group. We send our monk out. The egg is placed to the side

At this point, I ask the obvious question. "How do we know that your men won't just take the egg and run?"

"I give you my word."
"That's not their word."
"Men?"
In unison, the bandits jump to attention and say "We will not touch the egg unless you win, SIR!"

Now our dragonborn decides he wants a side wager. The bandit's men agree, so now both sides also have 10 gold riding on this fight.

I don't know what the bandit's stats were, but he was a half-orc, so he probably had high strength and constitution. Our monk was level 1, as were the rest of us. Needless to say, our monk was defeated. The bandit grabs the egg and looks at it. The DM rolls a spot check for him in front of us, nat 20.

"Huh. Did you realize that this is a fake? I guess I have no use for it. I suppose I might let it go for 20 gold if you still want it."

We were told to bring the egg back, and promised 200 for it, so even after losing 10 on the bet and 20 for the egg, we would come out ahead. So we agreed and shook hands with the bandit. As we are leaving, he says "That was a good fight. If I ever run into you folks at a bar, remind me to buy you a drink."

Nicest bandits I've ever met.


Heh, all of my characters carry at least two daggers; never know when you're gonna need to cut your way out of a Purple Wyrm stomach or something :)

And those bandits sound great!

goto124
2015-12-23, 11:19 AM
Do daggers break?

Requiem_Jeer
2015-12-23, 01:43 PM
Not with normal use, but you'd be surprised how often you end up losing them if you're in the habit of throwing your knives.

Morrver
2016-01-21, 01:47 AM
Alright I just finished reading the original thread and I suppose Ill get around to reading this one now but it's my time to tell a story.
I'll start off with a campaign I Dm'd. 5E pleb here.
Our second level party had just escaped from a newly formed plane of existence and had been resurrected after the BBEG had killed them all. (Lich vs lvl1's will do that; don't worry it was for story driving.) They had arrived in a small town and automatically decided to go drinking. In the party we have a dimwitted hermit barbarian goliath, a racist human fighter, and a gullible gnome druid. The barbarian proceeded to have his first drinks ever and got remarkably drunk, having just learned that the gnome could transform into a goat he begged her too until she finally agreed to. She walked out of the inn and returned a moment later as a goat, a rampaging goat. All the patrons started laughing as the furious dwarven Innkeeper started chasing this goat over tables and chairs, the Goliath too drunk to walk sat laughing his guts off unaware of what the human was about to do. When the Innkeeper pinned the goat down, the human had grabbed one of the halfling bartenders and tied him too the goat, then pushed the Innkeeper off of the druid and slapped her on the butt. Now the goat and the unfortunate halfling were rampaging through the Inn. Eventually the Druid changed back into a gnome and had an interesting time explaining the situation to the dazed halfling.
Some of the best downtime I've ever had.

GuesssWho
2016-01-28, 01:40 AM
Remember my tale of James, the most inept drow ever? Well, apparently he died twice in one game last night, and finally ended up with no face.

It was something about kissing Orcus. I don't know what the **** possessed him to do that, but then he's a bit of an idiot.

Alex12
2016-01-28, 02:40 AM
We were playing Pathfinder. We're a small group to begin with, normally 3 party members, and one of them had IRL issues, so it was just the two of us. We're partial gestalt, level 8//6. I, the melee guy, am a unicorn Zweihander Sentinel Empyreal Guardian Warder//Aegis. My party member is an aasimar Kineticist Psion//Tactician. The two of us are trying to overthrow a tyrannical government that's a thinly-veiled reference to Communist Russia, and our current goal is to decapitate the secret police organization.

We manage to get inside the building on false pretenses, and make our way to meeting with the heads of the secret police. But, before we are permitted in through the locked door they're on the other side of, they communicate with us through a magic mirror used for that purpose. Apparently, they've dispatched runners to look into our backgrounds. Since our story will not hold up to serious investigation, we decide "heck with it, we're close enough. We can brute-force it from here."
Looking at our resources, we've got a couple options. I know Impaling Strike, which ignores hardness, and so could probably just chop the door down, or at least cut the lock apart. Alternately, my buddy knows Breach, which is the psionic version of Knock. We go with the second one, on the basis that it's probably faster and quieter than chopping the thick wooden door open with my greatsword. The door turns out to be magically locked, but my buddy beats the caster level check and the door opens. Since I'm much tougher than he is, I take point. I walk into the room, greatsword drawn, and announce that we're going to end the secret police. The heads of the secret police, obviously, take exception to that, and open up with everything they've got.

Turns out there's six of them. One of them opens up on me with a power that we both recognize as Ego Whip. I pass my Will save.
"You know I have Stalwart, right?"
So, instead of a reduced amount of Charisma damage, I completely ignore the effect, like if I had Evasion and saved against a Fireball.
My buddy is next, and he activates a defensive power (Energy Retort) that makes it so the first time he gets hit with an attack each round, the attacker eats a 4d6 ice blast.
Next is some more enemies. After another Ego Whip utterly fails, they switch over to Reflex-half energy attacks
"You know I have Evasion too, right?"
They also discover during this time that I have Combat Reflexes (keyed off Int rather than Dex), that my reach for purposes of AoO is 10 feet, and that I can hit them on anything that isn't a natural 1.
Within 2 rounds, half of them are incapacitated or dead, and the other 3 are fleeing for their lives. Then my buddy uses a power that's basically Psionic Entangle, slowing them down. They're still trying to escape, but I'd have to move through the area.
"You know I can fly, right?"

And then it turned out that they were all level 3 psions, and the GM's expected plan was to have them spam Ego Whip at me until ultimately I fell down from that (since normally it still deals some Charisma damage even on a successful save) and then there'd be an epic battle between my buddy and however many psions I wasn't able to take down before getting worn down. Thank gods I built with the intention to survive anything anyone throws at me.

Chijinda
2016-01-31, 07:47 PM
The game is Dark Heresy. The characters involved are a Hive world Scum and a Voidborn Psyker (mine). The Psyker has been captured by pirates, and held prisoner for ransom. The Scum concocts a scheme in which he could join the pirate crew, earn their trust and then get the Psyker free.

He joins the crew easily enough, and within about five minutes of joining the crew, manages to annoy the Captain. Captain, being an understanding sort and considering this is the guy's first day, has him lashed. Scum's player tells the GM, that he'll endure the lashes stoically to show the pirate crew that he's a tough guy and can handle it. GM tells him to roll a toughness test.

....He rolls a 100 (Dark Heresy equivalent of a 1), and spends the lashing, screaming in a high pitched tone at the top of his lungs for the entire duration. The pirates at this point officially rename the Scum "Sally".

Humiliated but still determined, he overhears a group of pirates talking about how they're planning on going down to the ship's brig and beating up the Psyker to let off some steam. "Sally" asks to join in on the fun, figuring he can use this to learn ways to bust my Psyker out. He tags along, runs into my Psyker in the cells, and, being the new guy, the pirates let him take the first crack at my Psyker.

My Psyker, not knowing what's going on, but wanting to help the Scum build rep with the crew, doesn't resist as the Scum takes a full charging swing at my Psyker, completely overloading the Scum with bonuses.....

And the Scum misses. More than misses, he actually injures his hand, hitting the wall behind my Psyker. So he takes another swing. And misses again. Then takes a third swing-- again, on a completely compliant target... and misses a THIRD time. Absolutely disgusted with the Scum's performance, my Psyker throws a quick headbutt, trying to piss him off, thinking the Scum's trying not to hurt him because they're comrades.

I roll a hit and then maximum damage on the headbutt, basically flooring the Scum. The Scum gets up, takes a FOURTH swing on, again, an unresisting target, and misses AGAIN. At this point, the pirates are laughing themselves to death, the Scum gets furious at his humiliation and pulls a gun on them.

...About five minutes later, the Scum's sitting in a cell next to an incredibly annoyed Psyker who cannot believe that THIS was their rescue attempt.

Splyth
2016-02-10, 09:29 PM
Boy have I got one.

So we are playing Reign of Winter and I'm playing a Paladin. And I built him to the the face of the party. Bunch of Charisma, and high
diplomacy. Y'know to talk his way out of combat.

So we get hooked into this adventure to help this woman (Nidya) deal with the Winter Guards that have shown up at he village and taken
everyone there captive. Now of course Lyons (the Paladin) isn't about to let that happen, so after a few clever maneuvers we manage to kill
most of the guards except the Captn (I gave them multiple opportunities to surrender and no one took me up on it.)

So we need any information about who these people work for we can get. the rest of the party decides to head downstairs to release the prisoners
and I'm supposed to stay up with this Captain and try to talk stuff over with him. Ya know like a good Paladin. Well eventually he says that if he tells me anything there's a piece of magic ice that will kill him slowly and painfully by burrowing into his heart. And he's most likely going to die anyway for failing his mission. So Lyons cuts a deal with him. He says tell me what you know and I can make your death quick and painless, it's the only mercy I can give you. He agrees, tells me what he can and I cut off his head...right as the rest of the party enters the room.

After that the rest of the party decides to have a little fun with Lyons so. So everywhere we go, they always tell about the Evil Darth Lyons who spreads mayhem and choas. And the tales get worse every time they tell them. First it was killing a man in cold blood, then it was killing twenty, then it was burning down an orphange, then 5, then 20. Then I ate people. then I ate children. And that was before the trickster god showed up.

So this god *cough* Loki *cough* comes to Lyons, who's just resigned to people fleeing in terror from him at this point, and decides to screw with
him a little more. So he gives Lyons some boons.
Boon 1: Lyons has permanent undetectable alignment (to deal with that pesky paladin aura)
Boon 2: No matter what armor Lyons dons it will always take on the form of an ebony armor decked out with in images of skulls and adorned with spikes (This is an illusion)
Boon 3: Whenever Lyons uses Smite Evil his sword erupts to crackling flames with children's faces screaming in anguish about his supposed foul deeds. Y'know stuff like "He ate my father, He laughed as he watched me burn." (Also an illusion)

So our party had to do some planes hopping, and everywhere we go, the party is telling these stories (which have only gotten worse, overlord of the planes of sacrificed virgins and child cannibalism are the most current) and my paladin now looks the part.

At the rate I'm going Lyons is going to go down in history as the most evil force to walk the earth.

GuesssWho
2016-02-11, 03:12 AM
Boy have I got one.

So we are playing Reign of Winter and I'm playing a Paladin. And I built him to the the face of the party. Bunch of Charisma, and high
diplomacy. Y'know to talk his way out of combat.

So we get hooked into this adventure to help this woman (Nidya) deal with the Winter Guards that have shown up at he village and taken
everyone there captive. Now of course Lyons (the Paladin) isn't about to let that happen, so after a few clever maneuvers we manage to kill
most of the guards except the Captn (I gave them multiple opportunities to surrender and no one took me up on it.)

So we need any information about who these people work for we can get. the rest of the party decides to head downstairs to release the prisoners
and I'm supposed to stay up with this Captain and try to talk stuff over with him. Ya know like a good Paladin. Well eventually he says that if he tells me anything there's a piece of magic ice that will kill him slowly and painfully by burrowing into his heart. And he's most likely going to die anyway for failing his mission. So Lyons cuts a deal with him. He says tell me what you know and I can make your death quick and painless, it's the only mercy I can give you. He agrees, tells me what he can and I cut off his head...right as the rest of the party enters the room.

After that the rest of the party decides to have a little fun with Lyons so. So everywhere we go, they always tell about the Evil Darth Lyons who spreads mayhem and choas. And the tales get worse every time they tell them. First it was killing a man in cold blood, then it was killing twenty, then it was burning down an orphange, then 5, then 20. Then I ate people. then I ate children. And that was before the trickster god showed up.

So this god *cough* Loki *cough* comes to Lyons, who's just resigned to people fleeing in terror from him at this point, and decides to screw with
him a little more. So he gives Lyons some boons.
Boon 1: Lyons has permanent undetectable alignment (to deal with that pesky paladin aura)
Boon 2: No matter what armor Lyons dons it will always take on the form of an ebony armor decked out with in images of skulls and adorned with spikes (This is an illusion)
Boon 3: Whenever Lyons uses Smite Evil his sword erupts to crackling flames with children's faces screaming in anguish about his supposed foul deeds. Y'know stuff like "He ate my father, He laughed as he watched me burn." (Also an illusion)

So our party had to do some planes hopping, and everywhere we go, the party is telling these stories (which have only gotten worse, overlord of the planes of sacrificed virgins and child cannibalism are the most current) and my paladin now looks the part.

At the rate I'm going Lyons is going to go down in history as the most evil force to walk the earth.

This is why Loki is the best Norse god, he has a damn sense of humor.

Unofficial bard
2016-02-11, 10:13 PM
Excuse the grammar: I'm on my phone

Ok…this is the story of Don the (un)official bard.

Background: Don was an half angel (a home brew race created by our DM) and a spell fencer (a home brew class also created by our DM. A spell fencer is basically someone who adds enchantments to their weapons and are designed to be a counter to spell casters). He has high intelligence and strength, and slightly above average stats everywhere else but charisma, having an 11. Due to his background, he is allowed proficiency in one instrument. I picked the acoustic guitar. This happened in a 5e session. Also, cell crystals were introduced, which acted as modern sending stones, allowing you to save up to twenty contacts each. There was also a new mechanic known as "musical battles." Basically, you attack each other with music and magic until someone's HP drops to 0. HP was represented by "reputation," which you earned from either performing in public (but unless you crit or do a legit concert, the amount earned is very little) or by beating other bards. You can bet a certain amount of reputation to serve as your HP. If you win, you gain half the reputation your opponent bet and they loose all theirs. Vice versa happens if you loose.

The party (the other two don't really affect the story).

Don
Balvizard: a bronze dragonborn. He has high accuracy with a bow, but low intelligence. He is a ranger.
Shadow: a high elf ranger who has the worst of luck.

Story: It all began in a small town known as Silver Wood. Holding true to its name, the whole town was made of silver wood. We were just passing through, attempting escort an half elf to a big city (Argus). However, due to the fact that I did not buy a guitar earlier (due to a shortage of gold), I attempted to find one cheaply. A man sold a silver one to Don for 5 gold after I passed a performance check. Anyways, seeing as now Don actually has a guitar, he decides to play it. He proceeded to roll a natural 20, causing him to be surrounded by many girls. Thus began Don's musical career...

As we escorted the half elf, Don attempted to perform in each town the party passes by, rolling a natural 20 in each one (we passed by 2 towns), along with a performance in Argus. By then, he had managed to gain a small following.

Skipping forward a bit…Don and co make their way to another city, having heard that something bad was going to happen there. Apparently, two people were using their musical influences for evil purposes, yet it was and still is unknown what exactly they were doing. On the way, they pass two towns. Naturally, Don decided to perform. I proceed to roll another natural 20 and a 19, furthering the amount of followers he has gained. By now, he had one crystal filled with numbers.

Eventually, we arrive at the town. I perform again, rolling ANOTHER 20...

After filling up another crystal with numbers and gaining a new one from one of the girls, I get challenged to a musical battle by a random npc bard. We roll initiative and we begin. I start off doing mediocre while the npc rolled a 20, heavily damaging me and giving him advantage next roll. However, next turn I do well while he rolls…a natural 1, twice. He ends up breaking his instrument. Afterwards, Don was challenged by more and more bards. Despite feeling that I was going to loose, I accept. The first two battles went like this…

I perform- I do decent. They perform- they break their instruments.

I then go up against a little girl. Right off the bat, she proceeded to wreck me until the last two turns, where she rolled two consecutive natural 1's, causing her to first fall off the stage, and then break her instrument. By now, the DM was getting pissed.

Skipping a bit, Don goes to a club, looking for more bards to fight. The reason for this is that I have to take on one of the idols, DJ Di-struct (the other party members can't, seeing as they have both low charisma and no proficiency in instruments). However, I need 290 reputation to do so. I currently had 15. I go against a random bard…and ended up winning due to the fact that the DM rolled ANOTHER natural 1.

I then go up against three people, they have 30 rep in total, I bet ten. Roll initiative, I go first. I do decent. They go, the first one breaks his instrument…again. The next turn, I get a low roll. They get…another 1. One hits the other with his guitar, which breaks it and knocks his comrade unconscious.

l then fight one of the club guards, him betting 70 rep. I do the same. Roll initiative, I go, roll a decent roll. He goes, he does a violin and ballet combo (don't ask. The DM rolled for their character traits and got…this). He crits, gaining the favor of the crowd. He proceeded to destroy me until the last two turns. He tries to ballet kick me…rolls a 1…falls off the stage, knocking his rep down. I get my first good roll in that fight, and deal a bit of damage to him. He gets back up and………….……..rolls ANOTHER FREAKING 1. He breaks his instrument, sigh. After winning that battle, I challenge about three more bards, all ending with the DM rolling 1s and questioning life, before heading to bed (in game). Next day, I look for a bard to fight, but a low leveled one. I roll high on investigation and find a drunk bard. Roll initiative, I roll an ok roll, he does poorly. Next turn, I get a good role, he gets………….……..………….……..………….……..ANOTHER 1. Proceeds to throw up on his instrument and breaks it by falling on top of it. That was the last battle I fought before the session ended.

Just to let you know…I went from having no rep to about 139…yea.

Anyways, next session I'm fighting the DJ so Ill let you know how that goes.

I also have a funny story about the party that I will post later.

goto124
2016-02-12, 12:15 AM
Don the crown! (https://i.imgur.com/09HmL6r.jpg)

Anyway, did you play any actual instruments IRL?

Unofficial bard
2016-02-12, 07:18 AM
@goto124

Yea. IRL I play acoustic guitar

Trivik
2016-02-18, 05:13 PM
I have a few stories. I'll start with the more recent ones.

This takes place in the modern world, where magic is hidden from humans. All obviously nonhuman races wear charms that make them appear as human.

The only character who really matters in this campaign is our leader, Zephyr Catmen, a Catfolk bard. He is the most invincible character I have ever seen, and has an alignment of Chaotic Chaotic, and mediocre stats to top it all off. He is however, loved by the Dice Gods

I shall start at the beginning, the first session this group had. After narrowly defeating a rampaging Nephilim, Zephyr runs into town. Zephyr decides to go into the towns grocery store, and discovers a sale on soup. He goes through the aisles, picking randomly from the soups that the DM is describing, and after finally picking all the soup he wants. He goes to get a can opener, to prevent a future problem, and begins approaching the cashier.
As he gets to the counter, Zephyr begins opening the cans of soup, and pouring them on himself, and the DM is, for lack of a better word :smalleek:, as well as the cashier.

He goes to the library after this, and meets an old man, the exchange goes a bit like this
Zephyr: Do you have any big encyclopedias?
Old Man: I may have something *Goes to bookshelf behind him, and pulls out a huge book titled "Why white girls love pumpkin spice" and hands it to him.*
Zephyr: *Cleans soup off of himself with pages from the book, and hands it back* Thank you.
Old Man: No, thank you. You've done the world a service.
As he is leaving the library, he hears arguing between the old man, and a high pitched teenaged girl, and a book goes flying out the window. Zephyr picks up the book, and asks the DM if it is anything valuable. The DM rolls, and gets a natural 20. It is apparently one of the original works of Edgar Allen Poe.

After this encounter, he heads to the gas station to buy gas. At his point the police are looking for him, as they suspect him of causing the destruction that the rampaging Nephilim did. They are carrying around a picture of him and asking around about him. The DM rolls a perception check for them, he rolls a 1. The walk right up to him, show him the picture, and ask if he's seen the man in the photo. He replies no, but the cashier is pointing at him while his back is turned, as he passed his perception check, but that doesn't work either. He buys the gas, and then goes to city hall. He enters the building and begins to spread the gas about, but he gets thrown out, all the while spread the gas where he is leaving. He lights it from outside, but the fire is quickly put out. He tries again, this time pretending to be a window washer, using his sleeve to spread the gasoline on the windows of the building. The security team catches him, and the DM rolls a reaction roll to see how hostile they are towards him they are. Another natural 20. They tell him to stop, and go back to their work. He then tells the DM he lights a cigarette. The DM tells him his sleeve catches fire.

Finally the last moment of the session. The group is stealing a car to get out of town. They find a Volkswagen van, but the DM tells them it's out of gas. Zephyr proudly proclaims "I bought gas!", he proceeds to fill up the tank, and drive out of town.

The DM told me that he had planned several other encounters, that triggered if the players did something, or didn't do something, but the way the session worked out they didn't encounter any of those.

Lurking drunk
2016-03-05, 05:12 PM
We are playing a PF version of DCC crypt of the devil lich with our party.
Party goes like this:
*half-elf meld with an air elemental 6 INT paladin.
*Broken as hell elf gunslinger.
*Greedy CN halfling rogue.
*Half orc barabarian.
*Dwarf cleric obsessed with order that has the worst dice rolls ive ever seen.
*Female human cleric of pelor.
*Myself, the young vulgar drinking human rogue.

We see three rooms, one of them is a weaponary. Completly abandoned we enter the room, when suddenly a gnome ghost attacks our barbarian, making him dumb(er), draining his intelligence.
My turn and by a scratch I hit the ghost with my spell storing dagger with searing light and he surrenders. Wanting to free him, the paladin makes a deal that he'll free the gnome from his suffering, while I keep laughing in his face how I took him down in 1 hit, annoying him.
They start to find out remains so clerics can revive him, and after many yells and humiliations from me saying that we shouldnt revive someone who just tried to kill us we leave.
Later on, on our return from the boss room, victorious yet lootless, after sleeping in a room of permanent silent, almost dying to a random encounter of shadows (thanks to the +2 protection ring I returned to the paladin cuz of a bad feeling after he got cursed items we didnt die) we head to the blacksmith gnome ghost. With myself doing the first (and probably last) speech of changing my ways after seeing so many evil, I earned myself a ghostly hug from the gnome I humiliated few days earlier.

And ofcourse, after we got out I completly forgot of him.

BurgerShaman
2016-03-23, 10:04 AM
5e
Party:
Quillathe, forest gnome druid.
Bharash, green dragonborn rogue with crap dexterity.
Charlie the tiefling barbarian
That One Girl, high elf wizard
Me (DM)


Setting: Tropics.

They are looking for a researcher's crew and his notes. They find a giant runestone only to be interrupted by basilisk.
TOG: I cast firebolt on the basilisk.
Me: Okay, roll to hit.
*crits*
Me: ummmm okay you set its tail on fire
Basilisk's turn.
It spends its action flailing around, attempting to stop drop and roll. Natural 1.
Q: Does anyone have a weapon?
C:... I have two battle axes.
Q:GIVE ME ONE SO I CAN HURT THE BASILISK
*much axe-related pandemonium with me waiting*
Q:You know what? I'm just going to club it. With a staff.
*crits*
Me: You break its kneecap.
BH: I'm going to stab it!
*rolls 9*
Back to TOG.
TOG: I cast firebolt... Again
*crit*
Me: You set its knee on fire.
Q:I'm going to club it in the neck. The soft, squishy, neck.

And then she beheads it. With a staff.

DJ Yung Crunk
2016-03-25, 02:28 AM
Is this thread D&D specific or will any RPG do?

Inevitability
2016-03-25, 03:33 AM
Is this thread D&D specific or will any RPG do?

There've been stories of other RPG's, so go ahead and post those, I'd say.

DJ Yung Crunk
2016-03-25, 11:47 PM
There've been stories of other RPG's, so go ahead and post those, I'd say.

Right, cool. This is for a Star Wars game.

Right now the core party is three folks. The main muscle is a clone trooper we nicknamed Easy. Kind of dopey, but good hearted. He's got kind of a muddled backstory and the typical identity-crisis backstory. My character is Dr. Mulligan; a surgeon turned smuggler. He's a human, pretty vanilla. On the outset I had intended him to be the "comic relief" character of the setting. He's got kind of a goofy backstory and his personality is the shiftiness of Sam Malone crossed with the incompetence of George Costanza. Finally there's Sabre, a Zabrak bounty. He is every dark and mysterious brooder ever written. His past is shrouded in mystery, he speaks little but his exploits are well known. He only flashes steel when he needs to. This guy is supposed to be a major deal, and this is reflected in the fact that he rolled the best stats out of all of us.

He's also going to be our main source of comedy.

Because we all had these very elaborate designs for our little power trio. We all decided who these people were and how they would behave. At the start we stuck to the script rather well. Easy was earnest, the Doc was sleazy and Sabre was mysterious. All wonderful archetypes. It got to the point where The Doc bribed Sabre so that he would get preferential treatment in combat (insofar as protection goes) because, after all, Sabre was the biggest and baddest bounty hunter in the sector, right? Well, funny story. There's a little parable about "best laid plans".

See when it came time to throw dice all our elaborate machinations fell apart. From our very first combat encounter Sabre's dice turned against him. The man was a trainwreck. It wasn't merely that his presence in combat was ineffectual, but it would frequently be that he would actually hinder us. A particularly notable example is when he catastrophically failed throwing a grenade and blew up the passageway we were attempting to escape down. Or when his attempts to hack a security console only resulted in dangerous wildlife being release and promptly spilling out into an already hectic fracas. The great, expert, supercool bounty hunter was stumbling over himself, overloading his weapons, falling down stairs and tripping security wires left and right.

The weird thing was this kind of changed the whole tone of the campaign. Without our dark and serious counterbalance to Easy's naive optimism the plot took on a bit more of a comedic edge. Gradually, and with each ****up Sabre made, the trio stopped being the last hope of the Rebel Alliance to being a trio of bickering numbskulls the Alliance tried desperately to get rid of. Sabre metamorphosed into a comedic character in his own right, whose comedy came from the dissonance between how he perceived himself and how he actually was. At this point in the campaign we've embraced it and are just having fun being the space opera version of Seinfeld.

GuesssWho
2016-04-05, 08:03 PM
Oh man, that sounds so funny

ZxxZ
2016-04-05, 11:29 PM
DM: Me
Rogue: Only person earnest about roleplaying
Drow Cleric: The only one who is effective
Bard: Is bon jovi, but refuses to use Inspire Courage


The party was walking through a swamp, where they see the absolutely destroyed corpse of a Black Dragon. The area is very flat and they can see for miles, so its obvious whatever spooky creature killed it has left. I do my duty and point out a large hollow in the ground that might lead to a lair. Our rogue decides he wants none of whatever did this and decides to leave. I mention scratching noises from the the cave, and remind the players that dragons tend to have hordes, but they behave uncharacteristically cautious. Unfortunately for them, they miss the miracle of childbirth as a wyrmling black dragon escapes from its egg, finds the scent of food and follows them. They walk for a while before it catches up to them, and they all get hit directly with a line of acid. Combat begins, and no one can hurt the thing. Eventually the rogue lands a lucky hit and the infant dragon decides when in doubt do what instincts tell it to do: take to the air. The Rogue has some throwing knives, but he is too afraid of losing them in the mire to attempt to toss them at the dragon. He botches his first 2 UMD rolls on a wand of Magic Missile and isn't much use. The bard has used all of his spell to try to CC the dragonling unsuccessfully and resorts to attempting to throw clods of dirt and his greataxe, despite everyone (myself included) telling him to play "Living on a Prayer" or something. After a period of time the Cleric crits the thing with her Longbow and the fight is over. The baby dragon was about 10 minutes old and come close to a TPK. The bard and the Cleric had 3 and 4 health left respectively. whereas the Rogue had taken no damage the entire fight, thanks to evasion. A clumsier fight I had never seen.

GuesssWho
2016-04-16, 03:24 AM
Tonight's game may be the funniest i've ever played, as follows:

So we're all playing monsters. Setting is a kind of Arctic area. We're walking along when a wagon train comes by--two dog sleds and a main wagon pulled by a trained bear. We hide, but one of our characters is a scarecrow and the wagon stops to grab him with much questioning of what he's doing there.

Another character is a ghost. He pops up beside the wagon driver, who freaks out and starts screaming about being cursed and ****. The ghost promptly possesses him.

The caravan boss, a paladin, comes up and asks what the problem is. The ghost!driver claims to be drunk, manages to bluff his way out of being healed, and to make a long story short he casts Phantasmal Force on the paladin. Paladin starts seeing demons and wraiths crawling out of the bear, attacks the 'monsters,' kills the bear.

Now remember, they're in the middle of the Arctic. Without a way of pulling that wagon these guys are doomed. So they all freak out and attack the pally. The pally, 'aided' by a deafness spell from the ghost, has no idea why they're angry at him and not the 'demons' and assumes a mutiny. Chaos ensues.

This would be bad enough, but two more factors come into play. First, one character that's a succubus decides to become a copy of the pally and start screaming about imposters and two, we have a couple of spellcasters with Fireball.

We're on a frozen lake.

Five minutes later the wagon and one sled is at the bottom of the now-steaming lake, along with lots of guys in plate armor, the VIP that was traveling in the wagon has been 'rescued' by the succubus, everything that isn't on fire is rotting thanks to a wild magic surge, and the other sled is careening away from my character, who had decided to flirt with the last surviving soldier. (My character is a drider.)

And that's when the blizzard arrives.

The session ends with us hanging out in a Magnificent Mansion, watching the last dog sled fly away in the storm like Dorothy's house while the ghost tries to convince the Mansion's Unseen Servants to unionize.

Shoggy
2016-04-18, 01:14 PM
Well, this is a pathfinder story, and I only ghost-wrote it for a friend, but I think a few of you folks might enjoy reading it.


External Link for if this doesn't render right: http://i.imgur.com/53axW7a.png

http://i.imgur.com/53axW7a.png

GuesssWho
2016-04-18, 09:53 PM
Crazy ****, but I admit I was expecting Jello to fall off the world and survive. Falling is physical damage and all ::smalltongue:

Greg_S
2016-04-21, 10:22 PM
I've got a couple of stories from my very first campaign as a player, in a Shadowrun 2e game. Here's our first session, I'll be glad to share more too.

Our characters:

My character. A Raccoon Shaman who focused on going into Astral Space and mind-reading magic. Thanks to some fun houserules, I got my stats rolled, and ended up with a body of 6. For those who don't know the system, that made Ringtail extremely hard to kill. As a downside, he emulated the Raccoon spirit so much that he had a kleptomaniacial desire for shiny things as well as extreme absent-mindedness.

A burned-out detective, and our cybered-up face. The player was also the only one who had ever played an RPG previously, and will display competence, unlike the rest of us. Had a contact list comprising basically all of Seattle.

He misspelled his name on his character sheet, so we ran with it. A physical adept (basically, kinda like a 3.5 Swordsage/Warblade) who decided to focus on being a sniper, because who wants synergy? His player was not particularly good at anything.

I call this one "We don't do subtle."

We start at Priest's detective agency. A rich family's youngest daughter has gone missing, and they want someone semi-legit to look where the big corp crews can't. Our lead is the last known photo of the daughter. She's standing in front of a building with "ad's Cafe" on its front billboard, but the first portion's cut off.

Jospeh: Ok, let's look up all of the locations for Dad's cafe, it's got to be that.
Priest: Why Dad's cafe?
Jospeh: What else could it be?
Priest: I don't know, Brad's cafe? Chad's cafe? Orcs exist in this world, it could be Gorbad's cafe! Let's look up Gorbad's cafe while we're at it!
GM: (crosses something out on his sheet) So, the photo does match a location, and now it's Gorbad's cafe.

This Gorbad's is in a less slummy area of town, so we all take our different vehicles to get there. Ringtail's beaten-up pickup truck stops at a red light, but, seeing something shiny, he takes his foot off the brake, lurches into the intersection a little, and causes a small fender-bender. An orc gets out of one of the damaged cars and walks up to the truck.

Ringtail: (slowly rolls down manual window) Hello, what seems to be the problem, sir?
GM: He punches you in the face.
Ringtail: I cast control actions.
GM: Ok, you are now controlling his actions.
Ringtail: I would like him to begin punching himself in the groin.
GM: (sighing loudly) The orc is now punching himself in the groin.
Ringtail: I tell him to have a nice day, then drive away.

At Gorbad's, Priest and Jospeh decide to go in the front door and scope things out. Priest sits down and starts scanning things with his cybereyes. Jospeh, meanwhile, holds up the glossy 8x10 photo we received, and yells, "Has anyone seen her?" Someone from behind the counter races back into the kitchen, and Priest and Jospeh pursue. Meanwhile, Ringtail casts invisibility on himself and starts sneaking into the kitchen through the staff entrance.

Inside the kitchen, Priest and Jospeh are standing there, guns drawn, facing a woman holding two knives, wearing two full bandoliers of them across her torso. The invisible Ringtail raises his pistol, ready to fire.

GM: (rolling ~18 d6) Ringtail, roll your body.
Ringtail: Wait, why?
GM: She hit you.
Ringtail: She hit me?
GM: In the eye, too. It was a really good shot.

So this character, who we later would learn was one of the main nemeses of the campaign, tosses a knife across the room at an invisible target, critting Ringtail in the eye, and knocking him unconscious for the first of many times to come. The invisibility spell didn't fade immediately either, so for a brief few seconds, there was part of a knife, suspended in midair, spurting blood. The woman escaped after badly wounding Jospeh, and poor Priest was stuck in the condition of having to lug two idiots' bodies to the local street doc.

That was the end of the first session.

Lord Torath
2016-04-22, 07:40 AM
Tales of the C.L.U.E.less (unofficial). My players really need to work on their dragon-slaying tactics.

Their first dragon was a young blue, sleeping (as described in the modules I was running) on a small pile of treasure. Rather than strike while it was sleeping, they woke it up first, and while nobody died (other than the dragon), it was a near thing.

The next dragon they encounter is an old green dragon in its lair. Module says a 33% chance of being asleep, and I roll a 2 on a d6, so it's asleep. The party, gathered outside the entrance to the cave, doesn't know this, of course. But they do know there's a large green dragon inside. So they cleverly use the cleric's snake staff, combined with Speak With Animals, to scope out the place. Twenty minutes later the snake slithers out of the entrance and tells them there's a large green lizard asleep in the far end of the cave.

The group plans. The Paladin is Enlarged, Prayer is cast, a Silence 15' radius spell is cast on a rock, and the cleric carries it to keep the group quiet. The mage has a wand of paralysis, and the group decides to use it to make the dragon easier to kill. They do know it's not a guaranteed success, though. So they creep up to within 50 feet of the beast, the mage backs out of the range of the Silence spell, raises her wand and murmurs "Stop Moving" (the player-determined activation phrase). A ray leaps from the wand and strikes the dragon. But how can they check to see if it worked? Dragons have magic resistance, after all (they had previously witnessed this first hand). Someone gets the bright idea of throwing the Silent rock at the dragon. If it doesn't move when they hit it, it must be paralyzed, right? :smallconfused: After a couple of confirming questions from me, the cleric lobs the rock, but rolls so poorly she missed AC 10, so I ruled the rock noiselessly struck the back wall of the cave. After considering this for a moment (we're not silent anymore, how do we retrieve the rock without waking the dragon? The thief has a move silently of around 85%, plus Boots of Elven Kind) the cleric decides to use a Hero Point (house rule) to re-roll her failed attack roll. This time she hits the green beast squarely on the snout.

Their plan worked perfectly. They almost instantly determined that the wand had not affected the dragon. Who was not amused. :smallmad:

The mage died in the ensuing combat, but luckily the cleric hit level 9, gaining access fifth level spells, including Raise Dead.

Vwrt
2016-05-14, 02:33 PM
"The moon is going to crash into the world!"
"Really? We go find, get rich, yes? Am bauble fit for queen!"
"No, you don't understand, this is really bad. It's going to cause unspeakable devastation."
"Why? Moon am only this big. Oh crap: am everyone turn to werewolfs?"
"No, no, no. The moon is huge."
"No, I see it many times, is this big."
"you know when you see a warrior riding a horse far away, the horse looks small because its far away? The moon only looks small because it's very very far away."
"Oh. Damn. Okay, I go tell king about falling moon. If he says we fetch for queen, I tell him no, moon is big like distant whores."

IronLionShark
2016-05-14, 07:06 PM
Well. I have a fairly funny one:
My DM had me in a Beowulf theme adventure. I was a rogue/wizard with arcane archer. Everything was going well. Then, I decided to follow Beowulf, kill the dragon, and get lots of sweet loot. I thought that if Beowulf could kill the dragon alone in the book (despite dying afterwards), then if I follow him I was assured survival. Well, my DM messed up (I know it was accidental because he later apologized for accidentally putting the dragon's stats up to high for the party's level.) and had the dragon be too strong. It was an instant near TPK. Only I survived. I ran to a cliff. I shot the dragon with spell arrows and started chugging HP potions that I saved up all adventure. My DM then informed me that he changed the HP potion rules in the game. :smallfurious: Those shenanigans killed me. I still give him grief about that to this day.

The morals of this story:
1. Be aware that the DM can change the rules in an instant. Especially when it is most inconvenient.
2. Even a mere book can lie.
3. Poison dragons are horrible.
4. Never try to solo a dragon, instead FLY YOU FOOL!
5. Be wary of a DM's first adventures. They may not be balanced. AT ALL.

TechNow
2016-05-15, 02:49 AM
I have an interesting tale from this year's D&D.

I was the forever DM, and I decided that to run a quick campaign, level 8 and pretty much as semi-famous adventurers.
From there, it only got worse (and better somehow...)
One of my players asked if he could play as a Swordsage Werewolf, and I'm quoting him here.
"I want to play as Corvo from Dishonored... But instead of stabbing people, I eat them!"

I somehow had no problem with this, it was decently balanced, he could both stab and sneak, but couldn't really do anything charisma wise.
Then it escalated, one of my players asked to play a doppelganger. I was slightly concerned about the high bluff and disguise skill

Finally, the last straw was a Half-Dragon Paladin of Draconic Pelor. And a 20 page backstory, which was honestly pretty good, detailing his life in the Imperial Legion,
and a short service in the Navy, and additionally becoming a Senator in the Not!Rome setting I had.

From there, the group were Auxiliary employed on the other side of the Great Trench, which was basically WW1 on renaissance 'roids, with Romans and drunk Russians.
Their mission? Take care of a vital town of supplies so the enemy Trench line would start running low on food and supplies.
So, from there the group sneaked into the town, (literally) ate the Garrison, and proceeded to lock the palisade gates, and start a dragon fire inside the town with the Paladin's help.
Did I mention they were mostly "Lawful Good" (except Not!Corvo)?

So, afterwards I rated them a 5/5, because no citizen or guard left alive, and supplies would be unable to restock there, and be forced to head back.
Then, I tasked them with going to a saint's burial site to prevent an enemy necromancer an undead saint.
On the way there, they conquered a gnoll tribe, burned down three towns, forced another town into slaves for the Not!Roman Empire, and in the final pilgrimage town, had a feast of the townsfolk with said gnoll tribe as a sign of friendship.
Finally, when they got to the necromancer, they ambushed him and took him alive. Only for the doppelganger to become BFFs with on a natural 20 diplomacy.

So, when they got back to the General, he gave them a raise and a promotion, and additionally tasked them to assist the army in taking the capital.
So, you want to know their answer to high walls and archers?
"I cast Enlarge Person on the Paladin."
"I use Firebreath on the walls."
Because I was a nice DM, and I have a tendency to make stuff up on the fly, I asked him to roll for fire expansion.
He rolled a natural twenty, and now the walls were literally melting, along with around half of the cities garrison.
Paladin proceeded to go into Kaiju-mode, and rushed into the city in a display of gluttony and wrath, as he ate and brutally murdered a bunch of citizens, while the werewolf and doppelganger assisted.

The only reason I let the Paladin remain Lawful Good, was because he worshiped the Dragon-Emperor, and I decided that because of this, and the fact they are after all, Roman, that it was "in character."
I'm not done with the campaign yet, as tomorrow I get to continue it!
*horror intensifies*

Madmagz
2016-05-15, 04:12 PM
So a friend of mine threw together a StarWars RPG (yes I know there are already some out there; however he didn't like the lack of customization available). It's a darkside campaign with three players: a Togruta smuggler, a grey Jedi (I don't recall what he was), and me a zabrak ex sith warrior.

We start the campaign by crashing on an uncharted planet. We're fleeing from the empire because, I did something very, very, very stupid. While on this planet we can't help but feel like we're being watched. We roll our perceptions and all we see are the natural flora surrounding us: trees ranging from 7- 20 ft tall and lots of exotic bushes and shrubs.

While we're looking for a place to camp, we decide to split up (never going to happen again), each going our separate ways. The smuggler and Jedi role what can only be described as godly and find components from other downed ships to repair our coms and hopefully our ship. I on the other hand earned the nickname "Queen of 1s". While searching for edibles, I rolled a one and fell down the side of a cliff. As I'm falling, I roll to see if I can use the force to strengthen my upper body to grab a branch. I rolled a one and now have debris falling with me. I decide to use my lightsaber to stop my fall as well. I rolled a 1. My lightsaber gets flung off into the distance. I hit the ground and roll a 1 for damage reduction.

By shear luck, I'm not dead, almost, but not dead. I try to patch myself up, roll a 1 (at this point I switch dice). The GM feels bad for me and allows the medkit to work. I start looking for my lightsaber. The goodnews with that is if you take a certain amount of time you can typically find something. My saber was cradled in the branch of a dead fern. I was tired and didn't want to reach it. I have new dice ready to roll so I roll.... And I roll a 1...

My lightsaber rockets into the branch of a nearby tree. Realizing that rolling was not my forte that evening I said I would just walk up and grab it. At this point my GM asked "are you sure". I said of course.

I was told to roll my initiative. I rolled a 1. The tree moved and hit me with the hilt of my lightsaber. The hit was a crit. Luckily the rest of the party came to my rescue (much to my humiliation).

Eisirt
2016-05-17, 11:19 AM
After rescuing the LG cleric by cooperating with an evil overlord for a while.

LG Cleric: "Why did you join up with him... you know he is evil!"
CN Scout: "We wanted to be on the winning side for once."

GuesssWho
2016-05-18, 06:11 PM
Snip

This **** is what I live for :smallbiggrin:

GuesssWho
2016-05-28, 01:07 PM
So last night we had a game set in a place called the Hives. It was named for the line from Star Wars.

We saw an entire marketplace get stolen, people pickpocketing each other while in line for the gallows and town guards pickpocketing the pickpockets. It was utter madness.

Cwest1230
2016-06-08, 06:15 PM
So, here we are, playing Curse of Strahnd, 5e, D&D. Me and my party:

I believe that I was Lv 2 around this point, and the party was mainly Lv 2-3.

The Rogue (Worst. Guy. EVER. Constantly pisses me off, somehow, in hilarious ways xD)

The Cleric (The kind of unofficial leader. Managed to screw us over in this story xD)

The Warlock (A friend of mine. Rather new at this point, acts like a Chaotic Stupid Evil person out of lack of experience on occasion.)

The Barbarian (Not much to say; he didn't stick around long enough for me to really get to know his quirks. He started DMing at the store that we play at like, right after this session.

Broomstick (Another barbarian. We call him Broomstick because last session, in a horrible death house I might talk about later, an Enchanted Broomstick beat him over the head until I MAGIC MISSILED it to death.

And last, but not least, ME! The squishy Gnome Wizard who wanted to be a Illusionist!

------------------------------

So, we had just escaped a house that was filled with monsters, enchanted suits of armor, spirits, and everything else that lurks in the dark. We were resting up in this in that we had found.

Right before going to sleep there, I bought a few jugs of wine, and we went into a shop and browsed around. I talked to the Shopkeeper, and he made a few very thinly veiled threats to me, because I was kind of being obnoxious.

I did what any sane Chaotic Good character would do in this situation:

I threw a jug of wine in his face.

So, the Shopkeeper, dripping in wine and looking pissed off, (who sold everything at, like, 50 times its normal price) called into the back of his shop, "Perrywinkle! Can you come out and escort a guest out of here?"

Of course, we all knew what was about to happen- especially when this hulking, muscle bound guy in a leather tunic came out of the back. The DM said that he glared at me, and he proceeded to do so until I left.

So, after that, we all went into the inn; some creepy stuff happened at night, but since no one got into a fight, and nothing that exicting happened, I won't describe it. When morning came, we all woke up, ate breakfast, and got ready for more adventure!

After walking around town for a bit, and investigating a crying noise (it turned out to be some weeping woman; not worth mentioning at the moment) we eventually came to a church. We all went inside, and found this ranting and raving priest.

So, our Cleric goes up to him, and asks him what's wrong. The priest makes NO sense at all, and talks about a demon in his basement, and his son being possessed by something evil. Naturally, everyone but me assumes that this guy is a crazy bastard.

So, we look around. The Cleric steals some holy symbols (ironic, no?) and we eventually come to a large room. A barricade is set up on top of a large trapdoor, to what we assume is the basement.

With traditional adventurer stupidity, we move the barricade and open up the thing. We ignore the signs of a struggle, because even if there IS a monster in the basement, it could also be the sane son of a crazy priest who locked hmi up.

We walk down the staircase, and we are greeted by a young man in rags on his knees.

"Get away!" He rasps. "I don't... I don't know how much longer I can control it!" (Or something along those lines.)

Naturally, our Cleric walks up to him and asks if he's alright.

Now, this is the point where I should have just UP and LEFT. I didn't, because I wanted to be included, but I SHOULD have.

At this point, the guy loses control, and I (metagaming, kind of) realize that he's a Vampire Spawn. He attacks the Cleric, grappling him, and biting into him, draining his Hit Point Maximum.

We try to knock him off; I blast him with firebolts, our Warlock Eldritch Blasts him, and our barbarians charge him. We knock the Vamp off of our Cleric, and then it's his turn.

At this point, our Cleric admits his mistake. He should have Holy Symbol and Channel Divinity'd it's ass to hell and back, but he didn't.

And so the Vamp jumped on him, and boom, pow, presto, he's down. The barbarian and Broomstick charge him, but he takes Broomstick down to the cold, hard ground. The stupid freaking rogue, at this point, has retreated, and is firing arrows at the thing. I'm magic missiling his ass, and the Warlock is blasting him.

And then we realize that... well, vamp spawn have regen. He regains all his health, and knocks our remaining Barbarian down to half health. At this point, Broomstick and our Cleric are out cold, making death saves. The rogue dashes in while the Vamp is preoccupied with the Barbarian, and slowly, SLOWLY drags the Cleric up the stairs.

The Barbarian proceeds to do the most douche (and now that I look back on it, hilarious) thing possible: he turns tail and runs. Me and the Warlock keep on blasting the Vamp, me now using Chill Touch so it won't regen.

And then, the freaking Rogue and Barbarian do the most HORRIBLE thing ever- they start freaking BARRICADING THE HATCH AGAIN.

I almost have a heart attack, but I can't give up. I misty step (which is basically a short range teleport) over to Broomstick, and start to drag him over to the exit. The Warlock is trying to fend off the Vamp spawn, who is now utterly murdering him.

I make it ALMOST to the exit when the Vamp spawn knocks the Warlock out. He sets his red eyes on me, and I nearly die of fright as he charges over at me.

He grabs onto me, but I manage to break free. I keep on pulling Broomstick, but after a few feet, the Vamp grabs me AGAIN. I manage to break free again, and dodge most of his attacks. (Shield spell for the WIN!)

Eventually, I make it right up to the barricade, and I realize that I can't take Broomstick any further. Crying, I Misty Step through a little gap in the barricade, leaving Broomstick and the Warlock to their fates as I hightail it down the hallway.

The Vamp Spawn smashes the barricades after a few rounds, and it starts coming after me like a rocket, but then- then!- I'm out, out, OUT in the GLORIOUS sunlight!

And Broomstick and the Warlock were turned into Vampire Spawn.

Sadly. (I still call Broomstick, well, Broomstick though.)

Fun fact, that I might talk about later, but we actually fought them both later. We killed the Warlock, actually xD

Anyhow, I was FURIOUS at the time, but it was actually pretty funny looking back- especially that the DM had warned us multiple times that going in that basement was a horrible idea, but we hadn't listened. (We had listened to the Cleric! xD)

And especially when we had to come BACK to the church for the priest...

UnwiseAlistair
2016-06-15, 01:22 AM
So I'm going to tell the story of Alistair.(yes my account is named after him. The Unwise bit will make sense soon.) He was the first character I ever played in D&D. My DM taught me how to make a character in 4e (I know a lot of you flinched and hissed there, sorry. I know lots of people hate 4e.) with a lot of homebrew for guns and I used point buy to assign my stats. I put all those points in intelligence and made a wizard. I had a 20 int. and no other positive traits except a high perception stat that I got because of feats and training. This is where the story begins. We are a group of adventures hired by a bandit camp to kill a necromancer that had been making undead from their men. (Good/neutral party. We ended up lower on the alignment scale very quickly.) Our warlock, Websby, decided to try to buy a polearm of some kind, and when he coudn't afford one, murdered a guard to steal his halberd. Our barbarian Cronis bought a greataxe 30% off by giving the blacksmith a blowjob, then rolled a nat 20 to intimidate our only actual good member, the 10 year old medic Scott. Right off the bat we were already seeing potential alignment shifts. So we leave and fight some bandits who apparently weren't in the loop on the fact we were working for them, and Alistair got to shine. I rolled last in initiative. This was my first game and I wanted to start big. So I turn to the woods and scream in draconic. I rolled percentage and actually got a baby green dragon's attention. It flew by and gassed the bandit gunmen, and the table went insane. We eventually reach the necromancer and he begins his "adventurers? In my lair?" lines, but never finishes. Our barbarian INTERUPTS THE DM and says 'I shotgun this &[email protected]%#.' The 2 rangers also shoot him and the barbarian acts first after the surprise round and decapitates the boss. Alistair notices a tome he dropped and takes it secretly Hoping to learn necromancy. We deliver the head to the bandits to get paid. And thus begins the downfall of Alistair the Unwise. For someone with 20 intelligence, Alistair was an idiot. He was offended by something that the bandit leader said about him and decided to punch him in the face with Mage hand. (But UnwiseAlistair, you can't attack with Mage hand!) I know that now, but we didn't when we were playing this campaign. We got into a fight, Cronis the barbarian killed half the camp and Websby the warlock lit the rest on fire, Felix the Druid grew some trees for cover, our Rangers and I fired from the wall. And we took all their gear and money back to town. Alistair, in his never ending lack of a positive wis modifier, asks the TOWN LIBRARIAN FOR BOOKS ON NECROMANCY. I got arrested, and we never really played that campaign again. Our DM has since dubbed that horrible first campaign "dungeons and dip$#&%@"
Alistair was my first and worst character ever, and I plan on telling more of the story's specifics in the future. Thank you for reading my first ever D&D story. Don't be like Alistair. Or Websby. Or Cronis. Or Felix. We were a terrible party.

GuesssWho
2016-06-16, 02:37 AM
Oh sweet lord, that is hilarious.

SirBellias
2016-06-16, 11:35 AM
Thank you for reading my first ever D&D story. Don't be like Alistair. Or Websby. Or Cronis. Or Felix. We were a terrible party.

Is it a problem if half of my casual party acts like your group still? Because they do, in a very big way. :thog:

kingtiger13123
2016-06-16, 01:07 PM
All of the following stories originate from 3.5


So, we were playing in a desert-themed campaign. And one of my friends decides to be a dwarf monk. Not a terribly optimized choice, but it was early on in our experience, so we had no clue. Except, our DM either forgot to read the rules for Flurry of Blows or used his own interpretation, and the monk could now move and flurry (i always use this house rule now). And then the fun started. With an amulet of mighty fists, his epic CON score, and just plain creativeness, he quickly became the most awesome character in our party. Everything he punched exploded in one hit if both his flurries hit. Skeletons were turned to dust by his hands. So was the troll that massacred our Sorceror right before. Even Air Elementals exploded from his fists. In some of my campaigns, I had him become the God of physical fitness who was feared for his ability to punch evil square in the face, all while having an incomprehensible Asian name.


So, we were in yet another Desert campaign, somehow. Our party starts off to check on a dead guys tomb, but, being characters in an RPG, want to Sidequest for XP. The DM, despite having run our group through many sessions, did not seem to know this, and always planned too far in advance. When we tried to Sidequest this time, he just rolled for something in the DMG. Long story short, our party beat up a halfling shopkeeper who was distributing mind control earrings to the women of the town, and getting them to bring their valuables to him. In order to make sure he couldn't use the earrings again, we confiscated all six treasure chests full of them, bought a camel, and threw a couple away into the desert as we walked along. Then, a Purple Wurm ate our camel. And all six boxes of earrings. Our human rogue, thinking quickly, put the master earring on, and was now in full control of a purple Wurm. Which made our combat encounters hilariously simple. When 20 bandit horseman descended upon us, we just had the Wurm, nicknamed Willy, make his presence known, and they fled. When we met the BBEG, some sort of metal-Ultron clone, who was going to go resurrect his armies, we defeated him by simply making Willy dig a large pit right underneath where he was going to walk. And then he fell in. And got buried in sand. Forever. DM was not pleased with us.

FlurryOfPosts
2016-06-25, 02:02 AM
In my most recent Pathfinder session, the group was tasked with shrinking down to insect size and going inside a treant to clear out the creatures living inside it. After going through several groups of termites and spiders, we make it to the final enemy... The Fearsome Woodchuck!!!
Several rounds of Magic Missiles and arrows did nothing to the beast. I had already used all my spells for healing, and we were cornered by this relatively dragon-sized woodchuck. I ask the DM, "What can I sacrifice to get one 1st level spell back?" The DM seemed very surprised, and curious to see what was about to happen. He decided a hand would do the trick. So I chop off my hand and shout "Summon Nature's Ally I! Viper!!!!"
The DM instantly realized his mistake, and the viper, which was summoned at normal size, brutally murdered the woodchuck. The DM then revealed he was using ancient dragon stats for the woodchuck. We got mad XP. :smallcool:

kingtiger13123
2016-06-29, 01:40 PM
One more I just remembered:

You know how one of the DMGs had the section about the names of PCs and that Bob the Fighter would stand out next to Arthos the Warlock? We had the opposite problem in one of my games.

In our party, there was:
Ana, the female human fighter
Tyler, the male human cleric
Kyzer, the male half-orc barbarian
and then there was me...
I was a female gnome druid called *breathes in*
Shimmer-Glimmer, the Hedge Trimmer, Light Dimmer, Got-Slimmer, Creek Swimmer, Top Spinner, Gold Winner, Stag Skinner, and Eater-of-Many-Chicken-Dinners.
*breathes out*
Yes, there was a backstory anecdote behind every one of those names. I also said that most people called her "Shimmer-Glimmer Nevermind"

Inevitability
2016-06-30, 09:22 AM
One more I just remembered:

You know how one of the DMGs had the section about the names of PCs and that Bob the Fighter would stand out next to Arthos the Warlock? We had the opposite problem in one of my games.

In our party, there was:
Ana, the female human fighter
Tyler, the male human cleric
Kyzer, the male half-orc barbarian
and then there was me...
I was a female gnome druid called *breathes in*
Shimmer-Glimmer, the Hedge Trimmer, Light Dimmer, Got-Slimmer, Creek Swimmer, Top Spinner, Gold Winner, Stag Skinner, and Eater-of-Many-Chicken-Dinners.
*breathes out*
Yes, there was a backstory anecdote behind every one of those names. I also said that most people called her "Shimmer-Glimmer Nevermind"

I've had this problem too. Once had a party with Inton the monk, Jin the rogue, Rhogar the paladin and Spectrum Nipplehammers the barbarian.

KnotKnormal
2016-06-30, 10:03 AM
One more I just remembered:

You know how one of the DMGs had the section about the names of PCs and that Bob the Fighter would stand out next to Arthos the Warlock? We had the opposite problem in one of my games.

In our party, there was:
Ana, the female human fighter
Tyler, the male human cleric
Kyzer, the male half-orc barbarian
and then there was me...
I was a female gnome druid called *breathes in*
Shimmer-Glimmer, the Hedge Trimmer, Light Dimmer, Got-Slimmer, Creek Swimmer, Top Spinner, Gold Winner, Stag Skinner, and Eater-of-Many-Chicken-Dinners.
*breathes out*
Yes, there was a backstory anecdote behind every one of those names. I also said that most people called her "Shimmer-Glimmer Nevermind"

One of my friends always names his character something amazing like Chuck the Stuff Thrower, and Buck Fantastic.

ComaVision
2016-06-30, 10:23 AM
Names of some characters I've played with:

Kent Fistoad, the anthropomorphic toad wizard
Pung Yao, the Asian master chef monk
Richie Ape, the anthropomorphic ape spiked-armor grappler
Ivan Cracknhoot, I think this was a bard
Hungloh Thunkadunk Dwarfbane, the goliath crusader
Hot Daniel, the wild mage with a rod of wonder
Cap'n Bligh, a mobility built pirate with nearly no offensive power
The Seksecutioner, a grapple-built Cleric of Hextor

I'm sure there are several more I'm forgetting at the moment. Just to be clear, none of these were my characters.

goto124
2016-07-01, 02:44 AM
Hot Daniel, the wild mage with a rod of wonder

:belkar: Ehehehehehehehehe...

GuesssWho
2016-07-01, 06:34 PM
To be fair, I'm pretty sure the gnome homeland is Mt. Nevermind. So yeah.

Belac93
2016-07-02, 12:20 AM
To be fair, I'm pretty sure the gnome homeland is Mt. Nevermind. So yeah.

Tinker gnomes from Dragonlance. The explorer who discovered their mountain asked it's fifty-word name, and partway through said, 'nevermind!'

kingtiger13123
2016-07-02, 10:56 AM
Forgot to mention, but Kyzer the Half-Orc was Shimmer-Glimmer's adopted brother. We joked that Kyzer once had a gnome gname, but within his first week of living in the gnome village, his name had grown so massive, he couldn't remember any of it.
The funny thing was, I sometimes forgot the exact order of my many names, but Kyzer's player had remembered every name and the exact order in which they were written.

GuesssWho
2016-07-03, 05:01 AM
Tinker gnomes from Dragonlance. The explorer who discovered their mountain asked it's fifty-word name, and partway through said, 'nevermind!'

I think it was a lot more names than that. Tinker gnome names are like Ent names, they tell a whole history. I bet the name of Mt. Nevermind was an entire textbook, fifty words in was just where the guy said 'never mind'.

ReaderAt2046
2016-07-03, 04:24 PM
Not sure if this is funny, exactly, but it's certainly weird.

So we're playing a homebrew game in a setting that our DM invented. My character is the party tank, and for backstory reasons he hated werewolves. As in really hated them. As in the first time we encountered a werewolf I literally tore her limb from limb, smashed in her skull, and burned the corpse (though that was partially since I wasn't sure whether werewolves had regeneration in this setting).

About halfway through one of our players had to drop out, and the replacement decided it would be fun to play a werewolf. Now, she was good about keeping her true nature hidden, and I was indulging in a bit of denial (IC because my Queen, who I trusted implicitly, had vouched for her, OOC because I didn't want to start another inter-party fight), so we were good up until the final battle.

We were fighting the final form of the recurring villain we had been encountering all through the campaign, and it was down to the wire. He had almost reached the McGuffin Of Ultimate Power, and if he touched that, he'd win and we all died. So the werewolf player shifted into her beast form and tackled him. It's my turn. If I attack the arch-villain I will kill him, since he's low on health. If I don't, he will touch the McGuffin and end the world. But my character really hates werewolves, and a person I liked had just proven to be one.

I decided, after about a minute OOC, to roll this system's equivalent of a Will Save. I make it, I can overcome my feelings of betrayal and stab the villain. I don't make it, I stab the werewolf and it's game over.

I made the save.

LadyFoxfire
2016-07-05, 03:10 AM
The tale of Rylven, the cowardly wolf.

My 15th level bard died, and it was going to be a few sessions before the party would be able to resurrect her (we were in the abyss, and the cleric didn't have enough diamond dust with him), so the DM asked me to roll up a temporary character to play in the meantime. Back when I started my bard at level 1, I had written a backstory for her that included her having a brother who was a ranger with a pet wolf named Rylven, so I decided to flesh him out and play him until my bard was back in action.

So I crack open the player's handbook, and decide to leaf through the section on prestige classes, to see if there were any I thought might fit him. Arcane Archer looked like a lot of fun, and all of the prerequisites were stuff that rangers got in the first few levels, so i made him a 6 ranger/1 sorcerer/8 arcane archer. Everything was turning out well, until I went to figure out the stats for Rylven. Only the ranger levels count for calculating animal companion stats, so the poor wolf only had 3 hit dice. In a 15th level party. This was not going to end well.

I thought about dropping the animal companion for the other ranger template (which just gives a bonus to rolls), but Rylven was such an important part of my ranger's backstory that it didn't feel right. So I kept him in, and just figured I'd do my best to keep him out of combat. He'd mostly just be there for roleplaying purposes.

So the ranger joins the party (got teleported into the abyss by our patron deity), and all goes well. At one point we're fighting an evil adventuring party, and their wizard gets dropped to 1 hit point. Everyone in our party has already taken their action for the round, except for one: Rylven. He had been hiding behind his master the entire fight, but he saw a chance to finally earn his keep. The wizard was near death; all he had to do was land a single hit. He rushed in for the kill... and missed. Turns out even a wizard's AC was more than a 3 hd wolf could handle. The wizard healed himself up with a wand at the beginning of the next round, and Rylven never did get to do anything useful before the party escaped the abyss and resurrected the bard.

ebony
2016-07-06, 03:26 PM
I've had this problem too. Once had a party with Inton the monk, Jin the rogue, Rhogar the paladin and Spectrum Nipplehammers the barbarian.

I have a tendency to do the reverse. In a party of PCs with exotic, multi-syllabic fantasy names, I'll be the one playing the Halfling that introduced himself with: "Howdy! Call me Zeke!"

goto124
2016-07-07, 03:26 AM
I too tend to go with names short enough to type out with ease, but weird enough to stand out and be unique. Hmmm... Uaye! Yep, that'll do.

Sometimes I try for somewhat relevant names. For example, I have an NPC who got polymorphed into a little blue penguin (https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0995/2716/products/MTS_1043-New-Zealand-Magnets_large.jpg?v=1442888194), and the PCs just helped reverse the spell on her. Her name is Corora, based off kororā, the Māori word for penguin that typically refers to the little blue penguin.

Inevitability
2016-07-07, 07:36 AM
I too tend to go with names short enough to type out with ease, but weird enough to stand out and be unique. Hmmm... Uaye! Yep, that'll do.

Did that character have their parents murdered by consonants or something? :smalltongue:

GAAD
2016-07-07, 10:23 PM
Did that character have their parents murdered by consonants or something? :smalltongue:

Eh, Uaye not?

JBPuffin
2016-07-09, 04:40 AM
So my 5e group is just fantastic. Nine players have rolled characters, not counting the GM, and at the moment seven is both the max and quite possibly the average. GM's brilliant, everyone knows the rules for doing things so mechanics take up very little time, RP is top notch...and it's a weekly game. So, in the past three months, we've had all sorts of crazy adventures, most of which I didn't keep good records of. A couple of things stand out, though...

Lancelot Feathersword, Human Abjurer. Young, but grew up on some of the meanest streets in the world and lived to tell the tale. Does a lot of blasting in combat, and doesn't play so well with others outside.

Mac Ganahan, Human Champion. As per the norm for the player, he's not all there mentally - illiterate, player makes "brain checks" every now and again - but he's a blender in combat.

JJ - Human Hunter (Archer). From the future and packing BBGuns of death, uses Sharpshooter like it's going out of style. Think redneck gunslinger, and you know JJ at his finest.

Bellfire - Human War/Light (?) Cleric. Lancelot's buddy from their days in the Red Hand guild (no relation to any other Red Hand). Childish, but does alright.

Bullet Nightshade - Elf(?) Assassin. Stereotypical Rogue in a lot of ways. Drinks, steals, dives needlessly yet insanely stealthily across rooms...

Emira - Half-Elf Knowledge Cleric. The newest member of the group (and the only female within five miles of it :smallbiggrin:), having come from another planet to help us save ours. Murder with a rapier, but shy. Single-handedly killed an alien with her rapier and some untrained Acrobatics.

Vivald - Human Arctic Druid. My character, the lovable oaf. Barely twenty years old, but an experienced soldier. Still hasn't gotten used to his abilities (his god switched him from Life Cleric to Druid rather suddenly), but does triple duty as comic relief, medic, and low Intelligence cloud cuckoo lander.

Two other Rogues have passed through the party, one dead and the other relegated to NPCdom until his player can come back to our state.

As for some stories...
First session for Vivald. Party is in an old keep to meet a mighty wizard when we are attacked by three advanced harpies (each with like a hundred hp or more >.<). JJ, Mac, Lance, and the now-dead Rogue do their work on two of them, but the sheer amount of HP is making things hard. Meanwhile, Vivi, at this point a Neutral Good Cleric of Life, decides a pacifist solution is best, so he pulls out a rope and pins the third to the ground.

Cue group's snickering about Vivi wanting to do more than keep the harpy safe.

Cue harpy escaping, then tripping face-first.

Cue in-character laughter from the rest of party, and Vivi goes after the thing with his javelin.

Suffice to say, his first fight was one of his worst :smalltongue:. He didn't try that again.

About two levels later, Emira joins the group as an unorthodox dual-wielding Dex-based Cleric. Despite having no skill training in these fields, in two back-to-back sessions she has walked a mile underground behind a party of four without being detected, back-flipped off a wall to pin a floating alien to the ground with her rapier and scimitar (crit with one of those), and known how a ship-trailing cloud pattern worked that the Druid couldn't recognize. Said Druid, of course, having rolled a 0 on his Nature check (negative Int is great for him), responded by running around the ship screaming, "There's no snow coming from the clouds! What is this madness?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh!" Some people got it, others...

Then again, if he hadn't stepped in, she would have been too sea sick to make the Nature check, sooo :smallbiggrin:.

Next session is half a week away, and this time, I plan on keeping notes. We've got some pirates to fight, matey!

evangaline
2016-07-12, 11:27 AM
This is the story of why I love my players:

I have an M&M campain I run for two of my friends. They wanted to go inside a temple filled to the brim with beetles. You could not see the floors, the walls or the ceiling due to the mass of crawling beetles. Fun fact: they do not have major aoe, although they have earth-shattering strength, and high-speed flight and true genius. The odds were simply stacked against them. They went in nonetheless.

It was a horrible choice. They enter that temple, and the massive swarm of magical beetles wants them dead. One of them, Sora, screws up and gets completely buried in the moving mass of beetles. One of the beetles crawls inside his mouth, almost ripping out his tongue. Others nearly eat his eyes straight from his skull. That was the point they decided it was time to get the everliving **** out off there.

They decide those beetles were the scariest bastards they have ever encountered. Rightiously so, I was really playing up the horror of those black masses of bugs. That stuff was straigt-up nightmare fuel. So what do they do?
They invest their significant wealth to develop a species of beetle-eaters to wipe those beetles of the face of the earth. They gather some ant-eaters, genetically enhance them to have more armour, razorsharp teeth, superfast breeding and metabolism and more! And next session they will unleash their new species, "The Beet, Le fockeur". This is pronounced with a French accent.

The beetles were going to be important in plot, and one of the main assets of the bad guy. I guess they are now demoted to background characters

Inevitability
2016-07-12, 11:41 AM
This is the story of why I love my players:

I have an M&M campain I run for two of my friends. They wanted to go inside a temple filled to the brim with beetles. You could not see the floors, the walls or the ceiling due to the mass of crawling beetles. Fun fact: they do not have major aoe, although they have earth-shattering strength, and high-speed flight and true genius. The odds were simply stacked against them. They went in nonetheless.

It was a horrible choice. They enter that temple, and the massive swarm of magical beetles wants them dead. One of them, Sora, screws up and gets completely buried in the moving mass of beetles. One of the beetles crawls inside his mouth, almost ripping out his tongue. Others nearly eat his eyes straight from his skull. That was the point they decided it was time to get the everliving **** out off there.

They decide those beetles were the scariest bastards they have ever encountered. Rightiously so, I was really playing up the horror of those black masses of bugs. That stuff was straigt-up nightmare fuel. So what do they do?
They invest their significant wealth to develop a species of beetle-eaters to wipe those beetles of the face of the earth. They gather some ant-eaters, genetically enhance them to have more armour, razorsharp teeth, superfast breeding and metabolism and more! And next session they will unleash their new species, "The Beet, Le fockeur". This is pronounced with a French accent.

The beetles were going to be important in plot, and one of the main assets of the bad guy. I guess they are now demoted to background characters

You know what they say: when live gives you lemons, genetically engineer a species of armored lemon-eaters.

2D8HP
2016-07-12, 03:31 PM
You know what they say: when live gives you lemons, genetically engineer a species of armored lemon-eaters.
:biggrin:
Someone should sig this!

dehro
2016-07-13, 08:50 AM
Beetles fly, don't they? Did they remember to make sure their modified beetle eaters also fly?
If not, coupled with extra rapid reproduction, those ant eaters might start giving their creators funny looks, if their main food source just ups and leaves..
Isn't that how most monster movies start? With people playing with genetics until stuff gets out of hand?

Inevitability
2016-07-13, 09:19 AM
:biggrin:
Someone should sig this!

Permission granted.

Vertharrad
2016-07-13, 03:25 PM
You know what they say: when live gives you lemons, genetically engineer a species of armored lemon-eaters.

I will leave this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmH7tAJ0SfA) here...

GuesssWho
2016-07-13, 05:12 PM
I will leave this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmH7tAJ0SfA) here...

My first thought too!

Aldreck
2016-07-14, 12:12 PM
This story comes from a session from my first D&D campaign, Curse of Strahd played to 5E Adventurer's League rules. There were a lot of players at the table that night, but the main highlights were provided by two characters, Gruss and Logar. Gruss can be summed up as "every stereotype of a CN Half Orc Barbarian" except for the fact that he's an unusually talented bagpipe player (musical instrument proficiency from the Outlander background, you see). Logar is a Dwarf Cleric, who's player claims he is insane in order to justify roleplaying him as Chaotic Stupid. Whenever he declares "Logar gets bored", we know he's about to do something incredibly stupid and/or funny (example from another session: "Logar gets bored and stabs the Abbot the party has just spent the last 10 minutes negotiating with").

Anyway, as the session begins we've begun a quest to clear some monsters out of a vineyard, and we encounter a hostile druid, who we subdue but don't kill straight away. We try to interrogate him but learn he can only speak druidic, which none of the party speak, and the vineyard owner tells us he's probably an agent of Strahd who won't be missed if we kill him. Gruss and Logar begin swapping ideas about how to do so, which get more and more gruesome until they settle on hanging him from a tree branch and "pinata-ing" him to death. The DM awards Inspiration for their... colourful descriptions of the violence, and Logar insists on landing the killing blow as he has a vampiric spear which gives him temporary HP for doing so.

After we've explored the vineyard some more, we find a wine cellar with a secret door inside. (this door is supposed to be several inches thick and made of stone, and the suggested narration describes it being pulled open with great effort, but before the DM can narrate this Logar smashes his way through it, leaving behind a dwarf-shaped hole). On the other side we find a cave lined with magical moss; the moss absorbs all the heat from the air and the vineyard owner has used it to create a refrigeration system...

Logar's player immediately turns to Gruss' player and shouts "I dare you to lick it!"

Feeling that the dwarf has challenged his sense of honour, Gruss obligingly licks one of the walls and takes 4d6 cold damage. I suggest to the DM that this should lead to a 'tongue on the flagpole' moment, the DM agrees and Gruss gets stuck to the wall. No one is sure of the best way to safely free him from this predicament; Trish the party bard suggests sticking her rapier into the moss and prying his tongue off, but the other players decide she's going to injure him and try to talk her out of it. As we're talking Logar quickly "gets bored" and decides to free Gruss by bouncing up and down on his shoulders; the DM has Gruss make a CON check and, since he just barely makes it, rules that he frees himself painfully, but must take a charisma penalty and speak in a slurred manner for 1d4 (3) hours due to his injured tongue. Finding nothing else in the cave, Logar gets bored again and demands Gruss give him a piggyback ride as they leave; Gruss obliges, but deliberately brushes just a little too close to the wall on the way out; Logar only survives the cold damage because of the temporary HP he got from killing the druid earlier.

The DM declares that Strahd is aware of everything that happened because of his connection to the land, and is now planning to wallpaper his entire castle with magical moss as an extra line of defence against "particularly stupid adventurers."

GuesssWho
2016-07-21, 02:25 AM
****, I remember that stuff. My party tried to hit it with a fireball, but since it ate heat that just left us in a building entirely covered in icy moss.

CyberSurfer2_0
2016-08-14, 03:42 PM
I've been reading a lot of your awesome stories and this happened today and I couldn't let it go undocumented. A bit long though, sorry.

This is D&D 5th Edition in a custom campaign.

People involved;
DM as General Eberk (dwarf) and General Riardon (elf)
Celestial Gold Dragonborn – Life Domain Cleric of Bahamut; Daryn Toothshakles
Shadowfell Black Dragonborn – Necromancy Wizard; Grindaal Delkra
Stone Genasi – Fighter; Deyoris Stonefist (Female)

A bit of background, so the setting is this custom city our DM put us in called Acrashaan and this play is in total revolution, imagine the French Revolution. Anyway, we decided to take the Royalists side of the matter and after happening upon the main forces of the rebels and after helping the royal guards we became close buddies with the Fighters’ Guild in the city which due to the fact that their main leader is currently being held by these two Generals; Eberk and Riardon.

Now this is where the hilariousness begins to gain momentum, the first time we enter the office the dwarven general, Eberk, greets us with the pleasant smile whereas the other one doesn’t really talk a lot, Eberk tells us that Riardon doesn’t like it when people don’t say his name right. We let it slide, manage to go investigate the house of a government traitor and when we return to the office we have a lot more information and now Riardon is intrigued and tells us he’ll take us to the main council chamber to continue some more investigation.

We come to the council chamber and we split up into the two main sections of this giant room, me and Deyoris take the main room with the council table while Daryn and General Riardon inspect the next room. I start looking through and at that moment I remember that I had gotten evidence that the suspected government traitor was directly controlling the rebellion so I call Riardon over to see the evidence while I’m on all fours on the council table practically sniffing the table for magic. At first perplexed he starts going over the evidence at which point I move from the table to the floor and I turn to the dm and ask;

Me – “Is there a carpet in here?”
DM – “Yeah? Like a fitted carpet.”
Me – “I take a dagger and go to the first point in the carpet and start cutting it open…”

At that point Riardon stops me and starts going on about how I shouldn’t tear the carpet as its costly and that there wouldn’t be anything under the FITTED carpet in the main council chamber and I at first accept. Then I rush over to Deyoris and tell her to start dragging her fingers across the walls which quickly brings Riardon over to her. I immediately continue working on the carpet and with a natural 20 for my stealth check I tear the carpet from the start of the room to the end where I collide with Daryn.

Me – “Oh there’s really nothing under here.” And that sends Riardon into a rage.

He drags me by the collar and I let it slide as I continue making my argument that is was good practice to check, he kept dragging me out the room shouting that we should go back to the fighters’ guild. Now the Celestial dragonborn and the shadowfell dragonborn are custom classes our dm made that have traits that go with those respective plains and one of my shadowfell dragonborn features is that once per day I can cast misty step to teleport into shadows. So I turn to the dm and ask;

Me – “Are there any shadows here?”

He looks at me with a large smile and nods so I just get out of the General’s hands as well as Deyoris’s who had come running to try and hold me down to keep the both of us from moving. Riardon starts going into another rage and then Daryn comes in tells the general to calm down as he’s making a big fuss forcing him into even more fury. I then make a solid argument somewhat calming him down and I accept to make our way back to the Fighters’ Guild.

I start walking down the castle stairs alongside Daryn who I start telling with a loud voice that “there COULD have been runes underneath like before” and the DM tells me I didn’t notice Riardon who had walked somewhat too close for my comfort and upon noticing I go into a sprint rushing to the guild and I try using another shadowfell feature which allows me to hide in dim light however I fail miserably. I then knock at the generals’ office door and instead of walking in Riardon pushes me in and I find Eberk with the same grin on his face. The two then begin discussing something and I try to make my way over but they both stop me so I start walking back. Now Daryn makes a very strong perception check and overhears a few words they say, something about a keep. I walk back and he tells me this so I go to say;

- “What’s this I hear about a keep?”

But before I could go for it both Daryn and Deyoris first cover my mouth then proceed to grapple me by the torso and by the legs and then turn me horizontally keeping me from both walking and talking. The two generals obviously look at the three of us and Deyoris starts ‘explaining’

Deyoris – “Oh yeah this is a kind of game that we do, isn’t that right Grindaal?” and she punches me, with advantage, and still misses, but I pretend to grunt and nod.

The DM makes Deyoris roll a deception check to pass it off, with a very nice total of 11. Riardon instantly so through the ploy but then Eberk (with a roll of 3) took interest and proceeded to take Riardon in a similar position forcing him into an insane fit but the dwarf was incredibly strong, the very image of a dwarf holding an elf twice his size horizontally, simply amazing, we had to stop for a moment we nearly forced a tpk of laughter including the dm. Then Daryn gets the bright idea to continue making this farce hilarious and gags me with some piece of cloth. Eberk liked the idea and grabbed a piece of paper, crumbled it up into a ball and did the same. Now on the desk next to the generals there were a few stray papers and the map to the city, the dm made a roll; even he’d take a random paper, odd he’d take the map and he rolled old unlucky 13. At that moment a random soldier comes bursting in saying there’s an emergency and finds this situation. I make a natural 20 on my save to break free of this grapple, I make a flamboyant flip, land on my feet, yell “Maybe there’s a carpet epidemic.” The urgent message forces Eberk to let Riardon go who takes out the map out of his mouth, tries to flatten it out but instead begins throwing ink bottles and quills all over the place yelling “GRINDAAAAAAL!”

And the voice the dm was using, was practically Lemongrab from Adventure time, if you don’t know that voice find it.

JackleFree93
2016-08-18, 06:24 AM
This is from my first RPG ever, a 3.5 game that happened about 5 years ago, during a session in which I got so sick of the mockery for being just a useless "Bard" that I decided to go on strike and stopped using my bard song.

Here is the cast:

The Bard (My character): Half-Elf named Jamion Telagaeth who inspired the party with wondrous limericks and debuffed his foes with alchemical...er...grenades.
The Swashbuckler: Atlan Pirate who went through about three name changes during the game, but at this point was named Inigo Montoya...how original XD. Main method of attack was dancing in the baddies' faces.
The Sorcerer: Half-Demon and by far the most powerful character in the game. They also betrayed the party multiple times and also held a grudge against the Cleric, after they knocked him out with a single punch in the first session...
The Druid: Can't remember their race, but they named themself "The Watcher of Death". This turned out to be a very well-fitting title, but I may get to that in a later post...
The Cleric: Half-Angel, and probably the second most-useful member of the party. Liked taking Acid-baths. Disliked incompetence.

And here are a few things that happened this session:

As I mentioned, the Bard was sick of being treated like a musical slave and decided to try using his...er..."offensive" skills more. This meant no singing, so no +2 to attack and +4d6 damage to the rest of the party members. This also meant that, when the Cleric rolled 2 Criticals with his Mace on the Rak'shasa we were fighting, he still did a grand total of ZERO DAMAGE. A big rant about how I was letting down the party commenced...

...but the Bard would not go back to being useful unless the rest of the party apologised for calling him useless (which they did not do)! I was still eager to prove that Jamion could be useful in a fight though, so whilst the rest of the team stood in the large spherical room battling with this demonic creature I...stood just outside of the room and fired arrows at it. Believe it or not, a lucky critical roll from the bow was able to kill the Rak'shasa...and trigger the Death Throes spell it had prepared. Everybody in the room took huge damage from the spell, and the Sorcerer and Swashbuckler were knocked unconscious as a result of it. But guess who didn't take any damage? The Bard standing in the doorway :smallbiggrin:

It got to the point where the party still wasn't ready to apologise for what they said to the Bard, but decided to deal with the fact that he was being so petty about the situation. The Sorcerer decided that the best way Jamion could be of any use was to Polymorph him into a Treant, so he could run around screaming "Get away from my trees" (disclaimer: there were no trees in this secret underground lair) whilst smashing things. This was going great until Treant Bard got paralysed (or maybe petrified?) later in the session and was laying comatose in the middle of a fairly tight corridor. The Sorceror came up with a genious solution! Get a significant distance away and polymorph the Bard into something EVEN BIGGER (I can't remember exactly what it was, but out of character we just called it Snorlax)! And that's how the party managed to defeat a corridor of Atlan soldiers by suffocating them under a party member...

I decided after recovering that perhaps the warrior's life wasn't for the Bard, and went back to hiding from monsters and limericking for my allies...no apology needed.

Puke
2016-09-10, 06:24 PM
Hey !

I have some stories about how my players completely screwed my plans for a game :

1)

The players were fighting vampires. But the warriors has been given a unique artifact : the Burning Axe of Sankis (not very original, yeah).
This artifact has been given to him by a smuggler to reward him. To say the truth, the smuggler has given every PC a poisoned gift.
So, the thing is : the axe belongs to Sankis, a very powerful Balor with his own personal army.

While fighting the vampires, Sankis planeshifted in the middle of the fight and asked for his axe.

Surrounded, the players were trying to figure out an plan to run away, while the warlock, completely sick of what was happening, said this to Sankis :
"Why don't you go FU** yourself in the city of shade ?" and used a spell to dominate the monster and force him to do so. He had only a very little chance of success when he rolled his dice... but he made a natural 20.
So, the Balor, along with his crew, teleported to the city of Shade... ...and met the good guy Telamon Tanthul.

2)

When fighting a horde of demons, suddenly one big brute happeared. The PC, very impressed by the size of the thing, ripping off their personal army with easy, had only 6 seconds to play their turns (yes, during epic fights, I force them to play very quickly to keep them in their roles).
Turns out the first thing that came in their wizard was "I turn him into a bathub" using all his power to boost the save DC the creature had to make.
To say the truth, the creature could avoid being polymorphed with his ability to resist a spell once a day, but I found this so funny that I let it go. And then, the wizard took his clothes off and took a bath.

the_david
2016-09-11, 04:07 PM
I invited 3 coworkers who were interested in D&D to play a game of Pathfinder. (Yes, I know that doesn't make much sense.) It was clear this was gonna be a hack'n'slash session, but they did something remarkable during their one roleplay encounter. They lied about finding the scrolls belonging to the prisoner they just rescued and kept them for themselves. They were lucky enough to make their bluff check by 2...

GuesssWho
2016-09-11, 06:00 PM
A guy in one of our sessions used a wish spell . . . to have a pet dragon. Now he's stuck in a dragon's lair and has no way out.

Inevitability
2016-09-12, 12:40 AM
A guy in one of our sessions used a wish spell . . . to have a pet dragon. Now he's stuck in a dragon's lair and has no way out.

Is the dragon his pet, though?

-D-
2016-09-12, 09:01 AM
I had an elf named Lucian, he was an ok guy, bit clumsy for a Wizard (I'm newb). Then he touched (I ran out of useful spell - duh) some ooze-goblin and slowly started turning into ooze himself.

Of course a friendly rogue/wizard/tentacle monster gave me a Healing Facehugger that stabilized me. So we opted for an experimental procedure involving some vats and unidentified machinery in some demon/mutant lair. Now I'm half-elf/half-dragon/half-hezrou and I feel great. Arrows can't touch me :smalltongue:

GuesssWho
2016-09-14, 04:29 PM
Is the dragon his pet, though?

It's his pet, he's its pet . . . something like that.

I don't think the other dragons are very happy with him either way, though.

SorenKnight
2016-09-15, 09:34 PM
So the party is invading a kobold den and fights a large group of kobolds throwing alchemist's fire from slings. The rogue, in his wisdom, splits from the party afterward and wanders into a side room with racks of barrels lining the walls. The entire room, and I quote myself here, "Smells strongly of alchemist's fire."

Rogue: "I pry open one of the barrels."

Alchemist's fire ignites on contact with air.

Tiktik Ironclaw
2016-09-16, 07:39 PM
So in a morning game we hold before class, we once let our friend DM for his first time, and it was a noble if confused effort (we convinced the vampire looks that they were plants). But one thing stood out. My good friend who had DMed the last game was playing an awakened bear with fantastic social skills named Sir Bearington. I was playing a neurotic Eilistraee convert that fought in the buff, and she was a partner of my PC from the last game, a dragonwrought kobold sorcerer. We also had an obnoxious warforged from the last game, a troll who was the cousin of the troll from the last game, and a bard armed with glibness.

So we wandered into a bar after the first dungeon, and started drinking. Sir Bearington at that point began reinacting The Gamers, and stole everybody's pants. My drow, Talqos, decides to search for the man with the most charisma, and takes him back to the inn for a few hours.

Meanwhile, Sir Bearington and the rest of the party busied themselves with stealing the rest of the town's pants, and everything necessary to make pants. Then, they set it all on fire. In the middle of a forest.

Talqos awoke just in time to race down to the woods and prevent a massive forest fire with some water from her clerical spells, but we succeeded in getting the town renamed Bikini Bottomless. And this is why I have trouble remembering that we were fighting vampires.

Chalkarts
2016-09-16, 08:06 PM
The Group comes over the top of a low hill to find a 2 headed Giant having argument with herself. They retreat to discuss options. One guy says "Let's kill it! Another says "No, lets befirend her, she'd be handy in battle!" Hushed murmuring fills the air for a few moments before one voice rises up.
"Lets just walk past her."
Blanks stares all around and in rapid cascade faces drop. "Holy ****....yeah." "Let's do that." "Will that work?"
"She's arguing with her self and they seem really into that. Maybe she's too preoccupied to notice some guys just calmly walking by."
And with that the group decides they will choose neither the course of war no the cause of peace. They instead, will rely on the all consuming wisdom and power of "Meh".
I told the entire group to roll Skill checks individually, allowing them to use either the Stealth and Persuasion or Survival skill.
6 rolls. 2 Failures, 2 Successes, 2 Natural 20s. I couldn't say no to two natural 20s.
Six guys just kinda casually walked by a furiously enraged Ettin. Some were whistling calmly while looking at nothing in particular in the most obvious way possible, while others hummed painfully casual tunes under their breath while staring intently at their feet, But all managed to win an awkward game of "Don't stare at the giant or she'll kill us."

GAAD
2016-09-17, 03:28 AM
Call of Cthulhu one shot.

So an author with horrible, HORRIBLE luck yet a seemingly endless amount of sanity (Me), a "doctor" who couldn't make a heal check to save his own life (ironically and literally), an ex-soldier with a penchant for overtly planning to backstab the party, a "psychologist" who thought A) she was playing a PSYCHIC complete with infinite crystal balls for throwing at everything (which of course the GM allowed), and a Man with Sledgehammer walk into a haunted house. The Man with Sledgehammer apparently had a profession, and skills that did not revolve around bashing things with a sledgehammer. He never demonstrated as such.

Also, my phone got to cosplay as a radio that wouldn't stop playing jazz throughout the ENTIRE session.
So anyway, our first obstacle was figuring out what we were up against. Our search led us to the mental institution housing the previous occupants of the house. The psychicologist immediately began grilling the insane former homeowners. She got nothing except for babbling about a master of shadows. She then consults her crystal ball and sees the Eye of Sauron. (It wasn't explicitly, but what else do you call a single flaming eye?)

I make various checks. Diplomacy. Critical Fail. History, Fail. Sense Motive, Fail.

We arrive at the house and are greeted by our first obstacle: the front door, to which we have a key. We enter, and the Man with Sledgehammer expresses supreme disappointment in not being able to kick in the door D&D hack and slash style. After he complains for approximately 5 minutes, we go back, push him outside, and prop the door closed with a chair.

Cue glorious property damage.

Cue PVP. And the medic tries and fails first aid.

So eventually we investigate upstairs. We find a radio, and turn it on. It starts playing smooth jazz. So I IRL cue some up. Everyone tells me to turn it off, so I IC try (and Critically Fail) to do so. The GM rules that that means smooth jazz shall be played until someone fixes the radio so it can turn off.

Meanwhile the bed in the master bedroom suddenly crashes into the soldier for Some Unexplained Spooky Reason. The medic is nearby, and fails his First Aid roll. I come up the stairs, and the soldier remarks how it's funny that since I have failed EVERY single roll I've been required to make, and maybe I'm so incompetent I'd fail a roll to walk up the stairs. I take him up on the challenge. And roll a Critical Fail. Again. So I trip and land flat on his knife. The medic tries and fails First Aid. Again.

Suddenly, a giant pool of blood! Creeping out from the floor. Our solution: Everyone make a Sanity check! I'm the only one who makes it.
Our second solution: Hit it with a sledgehammer!

This creates a swarm of rats that chase us into the basement.

There's a staircase leading to a locked door.

Sledgehammer.

There's a swarm of rats chasing us.

Sledgehammer. No more rats.

Congratulations, you broke the stairs. Everyone make a spot check, if you missed that a dexterity check, to avoid falling in.

Fail. Critical Fail. Max falling damage. Why do I even bother.

Everyone is laughing at my perennially terrible luck. I find a cot, where supposedly lies buried the original owner of the house. Empty.

The party immediately decides we should find the skeleton, so we can put the coffin inside it. Not the skeleton in the coffin, that would be stupid.

But the coffin wouldn't fit inside the skeleton.

Sledgehammer.

We do some more exploring upstairs. The blood is gone, so naturally Man with Sledgehammer starts demolishing the floor/ceiling to find where it went. Then he sticks beds over the holes. Nobody will notice.

Anyway, in the basement, lugging around a shredded coffin, we find an ornate dagger.

Soldier boy picks it up and is immediately possessed by what he immediately starts referring to as his "knaifu".
Of course, nobody can really tell, as he was Chaotic Evil to begin with.

We find the room where the skeleton is - and there's a curse! In the form of a hate plague. Everyone who enters the room becomes possessed and murderous. I hightail it out of there - and once again fail every check I'm called upon to make with the sole exception of every Sanity check. Yes, this means I trip on the stairs a third time.

The Man with Sledgehammer is the only one unaffected by the plague and alive. As soon as the brawl started, the medic was critically injured and once again failed first aid. Couldn't save a life to save his own life.

The Man with Sledgehammer manages to defeat the Knaifu Soldier, and the seer with infinite crystal balls, and then moves into the living room and finds the radio.

One last Sledgehammer.

The GM tells me to turn off the jazz as the session ends.

Yes, through all the hijinks, investigation, and murder, smooth jazz was playing in and out of the campaign world.

2D8HP
2016-09-22, 08:22 PM
The Group comes over the top of a low hill to find a 2 headed Giant having argument with herself. They retreat to discuss options. One guy says "Let's kill it! Another says "No, lets befirend her, she'd be handy in battle!" Hushed murmuring fills the air for a few moments before one voice rises up.
"Lets just walk past her."
Blanks stares all around and in rapid cascade faces drop. "Holy ****....yeah." "Let's do that." "Will that work?"
"She's arguing with her self and they seem really into that. Maybe she's too preoccupied to notice some guys just calmly walking by."
And with that the group decides they will choose neither the course of war no the cause of peace. They instead, will rely on the all consuming wisdom and power of "Meh".
I told the entire group to roll Skill checks individually, allowing them to use either the Stealth and Persuasion or Survival skill.
6 rolls. 2 Failures, 2 Successes, 2 Natural 20s. I couldn't say no to two natural 20s.
Six guys just kinda casually walked by a furiously enraged Ettin. Some were whistling calmly while looking at nothing in particular in the most obvious way possible, while others hummed painfully casual tunes under their breath while staring intently at their feet, But all managed to win an awkward game of "Don't stare at the giant or she'll kill us."
:biggrin:
I'm reminded of something.....

The Tale of Sir Robin (http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cFdgjYoBMIg)

Shinn
2016-09-25, 08:09 PM
The Bet
Cast : the DM (me), a LN Warlock and a LG Cleric.

They were next to a Beholder Mage : somehow, they managed to anger him, so the situation was very close to a fight. Then the Warlock's player said something to the Cleric's player, they both laughed, and then he talked.

WARLOCK - Noble Beholder, wait ! I have a suggestion for you ! This fight would only weaken the winner, so...
BEHOLDER - What ?
WARLOCK - ...So I suggest to bet the victory to a Rock, Paper, Scissors game ! If you won, you can kill us without doing anything !
BEHOLDER - How nice... And if you win ?
CLERIC - Then you have to let us flee unharmed !
BEHOLDER - ... I accept the bet.

The Cleric's player looks at me with a winning face, and say :
CLERIC - We won, I do paper.
DM - How ?!?
CLERIC - A Beholder have only ocular globes instead of hands... He can do only rock then !
DM - Actually... As a mage, he casts a Silent Image of scissors, as he predicted that kind of tactic. New character sheets, everyone !
CLERIC - Sonofa...

Still, I can't believe they were both that kind of brilliant (a plan to get unharmed, brilliant with a LE creature, with a good base idea to win) AND that kind of dumb (getting owned by a cantrip).

Professor Chimp
2016-09-26, 07:49 AM
Well, there was that one time where we infiltrated the bedroom of a local lord and were about to get caught. Party members proceeded to 'hide' as follows:

Halfling Rogue: put a lampshade over his head.
Dwarven Paladin in bulky fully plate: crammed himself inside a small dresser (which admittedly worked until the dresser burst a little after the guards came in).
Human Sorceror: decided to disguise himself as the local lord ... by going full monthy ... and nothing else.
Gnome Bard and Female Elven Ranger: wanted to confuse the guards to gain an edge in combat, so they got on the bed with the former riding the ranger like a horse while slapping her ass with a riding whip, and the latter made 'oink' noises like a piggy.

In short, the guards entered to room to find one dude pretending to be a lamp, one completely naked dude trying to command them to leave, two complete strangers doing some kind of BDSM play on the bed and a piece of furniture exploding into an armored dwarf.

Best part? It worked! They had one look, went 'NOPE!' and gently closed the door again.

gman1553
2016-09-28, 02:46 PM
Reading this brought back some memories of times that were funny, at least to me. The first was a game I was playing; the second was a game I was running.

As a player: Call of Cthulhu (5th edition ??)
Cast of Characters:
PI - Me
Archaeologist
Dilettante
Ex military
Flapper

It was our 4th or 5th month into the campaign, we were doing well. I had only one episode of insanity (damn talking pancakes). But we had managed to track down a group of cultists. Still unaware that they were summoning Dagon (or what an Old One really was), we got into their cave and managed to get through to the summoning chamber. There we see the cultists surrounding what appears to be another entity that is chanting something in a language we don't understand.
GM You come out of the tunnel into a large cave. There are steps leading down from the tunnel to floor. In the center is raised Dais. Surrounding the dais are 6 to 7 cultist, all bowed down and chanting in unison. Standing on the dais is another "human" with a large rather old looking book and very wicked looking dagger.
PI I pull out my rifle, in case something happens.
Ex military I start making my way down the stairs, slowly and concealed in the shadows
GM OK, roll
** he gets 1/2 way down before he is seen
GM One of the cultist see you and yells. The others jump up, pull out daggers and start approaching.
Archaeologist (to me) We need to stop the ceremony, shoot the one standing on the dais.

I take aim, and pull the trigger. I rolled and hit, rolled a crit and hit him in the head. There was no spew of blood, only the GM saying that I and the Archaeologist see the guy fall over. Thinking we killed him, i stay put and start picking off the other cultists, while the flapper and Archaeologist climb down to look at the dais. (she had a thing for him in RL and the game). They get almost on the dais, when the dude stands up and stabs the flapper.

Lesson learned: Wizards / mages are immune to gun fire.
Behind the scenes: The wizard was wearing a personal force field. The shot had scrambled his brains a bit, but not killed him. We barely managed to escape, but the lesson we learned that night was Double Tap.


As a GM: Shadowrun (4E)
Cast of Characters:
Street Mage
Shaman (bear totem)
Phys add

I had gone to great lengths to impress upon them (wrongly or rightly) that government forces / security forces could sometimes kick a runners a$$. They had some tangles with corp sec that was close and knew that Aztechnology was looking for them. They decided to leave Seattle and follow up on a seed I'd planted months ago, so they headed south....really south. So they ended up in Antarctica. I had set it up so that they would come upon a secret facility run by Aztechnology, a lab where they were producing a new way to augment people, without the need for implants. In short, this was a Juicer lab. (For those familiar with Rifts) I had stats, upside to using, down side to using and one of the NPC I was running would have become a user. Anyway, they get there, find the entrance. Just as they are about to bypass the gate and razor wire fence surrounding the small opening in the ice sheet, the NPC decker decides to check things out. He tells the group that there are warnings all around the place. Both as signs and verbal, that anyone caught entering the location will be shot on sight. (At this point, they have dealt with Corp Sec, with government sec, and other manner of security. I was thinking they would ignore it, enter the area but be very cautious) I had several weeks worth of runs revolving around them finding this and one of the NPCs I was running getting hooked and them trying to figure out how to save him. In a brief 5 minute conversation, they packed everything up and left.

I did what any resourceful GM would do, I moved the site to the next place they were going. It was a military installation that "looked abandoned" that they thought would make a good base of operations. In the end they had to deal with it any way, but they almost bypassed the whole thing. I told them after the game was over and they laughed for quite a bit about it. When we talk about never knowing what to expect from players...this is my prime example.

StealthyRobot
2016-09-30, 06:23 AM
Cast:
Ore, the Aracockra druid
Domacos, the half elf summoner
Shop Keeper

The two party members were in town doing some post adventure things, and went to sell gems to a jewelry maker. Before arriving, Ore shifts into his cat persona, known to the group as Zippo. He hops up on the summoner shoulder as they enter the store. They are greeted, and Domacos let's the man know he requires a collar for his cat, Mr. Whiskers. "Zippo" is unhappy his name is ignored and throws up on his friends neck.
Domacos calmly says "one moment please" to the shop keeper before leaving. Once out of sight he hurls Ore into the side of the wooden building with his gauntlets of ogre power, making an audible thud and dealing enough damage to reverse the wild shape. Ore chuckles and flies off, and Domacos returns to the worried shop keeper and says,
"Mr. Whiskers won't be needing a collar anymore."
We all die laughing as he finishes his business.

IronLionShark
2016-09-30, 01:20 PM
Me:the GM, nobody else is here
This one is a world building story. This was an extremely low magic humans only world.
First, I make a large cold land.
Then, I realize, oops I made it communist, this is pretty much the Soviet Union.
Oops.
Then, I make another cold country, this one will be original.
I make Denmark.
Okay, How about I make a rainy country. This will be original!
I make England in the English civil war and not an island.
That is it the next ones will be totally original!
France
Italy
Greece
Next I say, I'll make things that don't seem European, they'll surely work out.
Egypt & the Ottomans
Finally I said, how about a secret mysterious land.
I end up making the land version of the Bermuda Triangle.
Then, I give up and use these anyway.

GeneralKobold
2016-10-03, 02:51 PM
Once I was in a campaign where we found a church with a candle that when lit, would plunge the inside of the church with darkness, and if you somehow got off your feet, you would fall to another universe, we had this big science discussion on how it works for an hour. The reason was the guy that make urinal cakes, somehow was a god or something and made the universe cakes, each universe was identical and the universe cakes had to be placed in a rift in the multiverse at the same time in both universes, once that was complete, the world would be in harmony. My gnome ranger took 8d6 psychic damage and died. That campaign didn't last long.

The Bandicoot
2016-10-04, 01:01 AM
Once I was in a campaign where we found a church with a candle that when lit, would plunge the inside of the church with darkness, and if you somehow got off your feet, you would fall to another universe, we had this big science discussion on how it works for an hour. The reason was the guy that make urinal cakes, somehow was a god or something and made the universe cakes, each universe was identical and the universe cakes had to be placed in a rift in the multiverse at the same time in both universes, once that was complete, the world would be in harmony. My gnome ranger took 8d6 psychic damage and died. That campaign didn't last long.

This makes absolutely no sense at all. None whatsoever.

Shurifire
2016-10-04, 06:10 AM
I love all this stuff, and feel compelled to share my own. :)
Now, me and my friends, due to being stingy/lazy students, couldn't be bothered to get a proper D&D set, so we built our own custom engine that could be played over Skype. It's terrible and we love it. Due to prior inexperience we all tend to fall into the same categories when making characters, usually as such:
Z- Autistic Wizard with a thing for severed heads.
J- Scumbag who drains the hub town of all its money, booze or both in every run.
F- Amiable enough ranger-type guy with a penchant for theft.
Me- The good guy who tends to carry the party, often literally.

Out of all these, the most legendary character to arise would have to be my second guy, Jerry McMeatshield. Jerry was an 8 foot tall, 3 foot wide, 300 kilo zombie with a heart of gold and the vocabulary of an elephant. Having been a butler to the noble Fontaine family, Jerry was resurrected at the request of the master by a cut-price necromancer after being killed by a falling chandelier. Unfortunately he wasn't all there when he came back, and now wanders the world with his ex-master after the family lost its fortune under embarrassing circumstances.
Since then, all the while his intelligence being comparable to that of a kitten, he's proven time and time again that he has some skills left in his head. He once destroyed a house by knocking on the door too hard, accidentally introduced poetry into Orcish culture by moaning in a particular way, and turned a friendly town into a bloodthirsty mob by drooling in their sacred river. I love him.

-D-
2016-10-04, 11:03 AM
One of our player insisting he was Lawful Good despite:
A) killing a vampire, taking his heart and burning it constantly over the period of a month
B) killing a Noble human, draining him of blood and causing human armies to fall into despair
C) being a vampire (this was temporary since he was some kind of changeling)
D) doing a bidding of a Demon

King539
2016-10-05, 07:52 PM
I was playing a dwarven cleric recently. Me and the rest of the party were running from some goblins we had annoyed, and well running for our lives, the DM rolled for random encounters. Ogre. It beaned my character with a javelin, bringing me down to 8/30 HP. Next round, it closes to melee. I'm understandably worried, and the DM reassures me, saying that the ogre's weapon is "just a tree". A split second later, the dice hit the table. Natural. 20. The tree hit me so hard it broke.

dehro
2016-10-06, 02:56 AM
my characters suffer from a rather high mortality rate (think almost "mound of bards" levels of mortality). I'm also rather bad at building them.
so I found myself building one at the end of the campaign.
I created a whisper gnome thief at 19th level, built to fight in melee and kick inordinate amount of ass.
we were in a low tunnel that forced most of the others to almost crawl through, with a wall closing in behind us. between us and squishy death stood a door that I was asked to unlock. with the roll of a dice, I easily found it was not trapped.
then I rolled the dice to unlock it..rolled very low, and looked up on my new sheet... to find out that I had neglected to put a single point in open lock.
the resident cleric had to waste a miracle spell to unlock the door an almost epic level thief was stumped against.

Gharzak
2016-11-13, 05:48 AM
So this is a story of one of my more novice moments in roleplaying


Me (Unoptimized half orc ranger named Agronog

Rest of the party isn't important except for the fact that I was supposed to be one of the two major frontliners and everyone else was squishy

So we are in a old Dwarven hold trying to investigate what had happened and we enter a large room with a strange magical arch on the other side, out of nowhere 4 skeletal dwarves step out and we enter combat, so we roll initiative and engage the skeletons and I kill mine in the first round (favored enemy undead) anyways for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to inspect the arch for some reason or another instead of helping kill the other skeletons this surprises everyone but my group lets me do my own thing most of the time so I can learn from my mistakes, so when I look through the arch it doesn't seem very amazing, but when I stepped through it my GM describes what looks like a bustling Dwarven hold full of dwarves doing their everyday dwarf thing, except that I would get weird glances for, you know, being a half orc in the middle of their hold, anyways I immediately believe I have stumbled upon a portal to the Dwarven afterlife and try to convince the dwarves to help us, I immediately get attacked by thrown weapons and arrows and stuff that take like half my hp away, so I run out the arch, and when it is my turn again instead of helping my teammates out again I enter the arch a second time with the same results, now I'm at a quarter hp, then my next round I try just putting my hand through and get attacked again, now I'm in single digit hp but my party has killed the skeletons, I'm stumped at this point as to what the magic of this arch/portal could be, I was so sure that it was the Dwarven afterlife, which had my group laughing, evidently it had just been a room with a couple glamoured skeletons and a couple silent images (skeletons had been programmed to attack anything inside the room, but only in the room), I felt pretty stupid myself, to this day, whenever something unnatural occurs my party teases me saying "careful we might be getting close to the Dwarven afterlife :smallbiggrin:

Also would like to say that I have greatly enjoyed reading this thread, it has given me hours of enjoyment and persuaded me to make an account to start sharing my stories, I have finally read all current 39 pages great stuff guys :smallbiggrin:

GuesssWho
2016-11-21, 04:41 PM
A week or so ago one of my friends DMed a game set in what was essentially Night Vale. Since I'm the only player who knows anything about Welcome To Night Vale (http://www.welcometonightvale.com/), I played a local just to add to the confusion.

Everyone was told that they needed to find a person who had a certain disease and get them to a lab so it could be studied. This order came from a tiny man flying a toy-sized spaceship. First they had to go through quarantine, which involved far more hilarity and confusion that I can even describe. Then once they landed they had to listen to a pirate radio station in which some guy was ranting about conspiracy theories, but all his callers just told him that everyone knew about them already.

So while they're wandering through a town of demons, aliens, inexplicable fake Italians and who-knows-what, they meet my character. My character is a lizard woman with a ****ty human mask, a Yogurtland uniform and a sign around her neck reading 'I am not a lizard.'

Yeah, it's that kind of setting.

So once they're over feeling bewildered about that, they happen to spot a guy at a bar slowly turn from a regular human to an ancient Roman, then a medieval peasant, then a Renaissance Italian, and then a painting. The police appear, there's a bar brawl, the police take the painting away wrapped in a hazmat suit and we figure out that this disease turns people into artworks. From there we manage to find an old lady whose grandson is worried that she is pretending to be from Venice, we take her to the lab, session ends.

Oh, and the grandson thought he was an American Indian despite being white as a sheet and living in suburbia. But that's a tale for another time.

GuesssWho
2016-11-24, 01:11 AM
Sorry to double-post, but I had another hilarious game today. Only three people were involved, which probably explains why everyone just went with it.

It started with a shared dream. We were in an abandoned colosseum covered in vines, trying to find the way out. There was a creepy old man tied to the ceiling, and when we freed him he turned into a tentacle monster and the whole place started melting. A giant hand with a mouth in its palm gave my character a puzzle box, then we drowned in ink and woke up. I'm pretty sure that the dream was an actual link to the Far Realm, though, because that's the only thing that could explain the rest of the game. (Also, my character woke up with the puzzle box. She never got it to fully open, though.)

My character is a lizardfolk warlock of Yig, the other player had a human barbarian who was literally raised by wolves. This did not help us remain sane AT ALL.

We wake up as gladiators and barely manage to win a fight against a weird old man only known as 'It,' mostly because It was allergic to magic and nothing likes being hit with a stick. Since we won they free us, and we go to find an inn. Or eventually we do, at least. At first we attempt to sleep in a well, but a policeman won't let us.

We wander around looking for an inn until my character gets bored and starts to graffiti on random walls. One of the walls keeps cleaning itself, so we try to draw on it for a while. Then the barbarian decides to lick the wall. It apparently 'tastes religious,' so we start drawing holy symbols on it. After a while of this we realize that we can just go look at the rest of the building, and it is indeed a temple. The barbarian attempts to make them worship his stick, but they just look at him funny, so we go to the inn.

We go to the inn, but can't sleep because the streets are full of giant rats and they won't stop squeaking. I go downstairs and request 'the evil owl magician,' which gets me some very confused looks. Eventually it's explained to me that this town is pretty much ruled by ratcatchers at this point and there's nothing to be done. I promptly declare this to be madness.

When we get up in the morning everyone is gone and the innkeep ha had his throat slit from ear to ear, with the word 'contaminated' carved into his chest. I am annoyed by this because if he's contaminated we can't eat him, while the barbarian is praying to his stick, a hypothetical wolf cub and the corpse of It.

We don't know what to do next, so we visit the library. We find some ancient pieces of a madman's diary written in Deep Speech that tells of an ancient portal to the Far Realm somewhere North of us and has a portrait that is unmistakably the barbarian next to rambling about time travel.

We decide to head North and the session ends. We then laugh hysterically about stick gods and the taste of religion for several minutes.

MONEYSHOT
2016-12-04, 06:16 AM
Ok hope this isn't going too far. I was playing a squirrely necro/rogue who was orphaned and had to steal for funds for his magical instruction. My party never protected me so i nearly died every session. My motley crew included a Large Minotaur fighter/rogue named Ares, a Prude female human Psionicst named Justice,and a Do good Monk named Nickademus.....

....we happened to find ourselves in a tavern per usual... but the land we were in still considered women as property. As we sat at the bar we were told by the DM that we oversee and overhear several large off duty guards harrassing and groping a serving wench, to which she smashed a mug of ale upside his head and cut his face. The guards then decided to hold her down and prepare to have their way with her.... the DM asked what do we wanna do, if anything.... the minotaur stays put for the moment but draws out 2 daggers from his vest. Justice the pruding psionocist begins to contact all the guards minds. The do gooder Nickademus goes over and taps the guard on the shoulder telling him, that he doesnt think he should be doing this, and that hes gonna put a stop to it... Nickademus is quickly sent flying by a backhand... becuase the guards were way out of our league and we didnt know that as characters... the DM looks to me and asks what i wish to do.... so as i get up and saunter over to the guards to save the day.... I quickly push the 2nd guard out of the way undid my belt and yelled... "I'M NEXT!"......the entire room of players was speechless.. they didnt know whether to be disgusted or bust out laughing...the female playing the prude female pscion...said "no your not?" (OoC) Not believing me.... to which i replied... "oh yes i am." (OoC).... and then immediately afterwards i was notified my character had been psionically contacted by Justice... and immediately Psionic Blasted.... to which i fell over.. pants around ankles and laid their bare assed while the fight ensued

DontEatRawHagis
2016-12-08, 12:46 PM
After being knocked out by my Nemesis in a Super Villain RPG my GM had me wake up in an insane asylum. After a couple of visits from my PC's ex-wife, nemesis, and doctor it was clear I was being gaslighted. They were saying how I've been pretending I was a supervillain and that super heroes didn't exist. I still had my hidden coms device in my ear and was able to get information to my fellow PCs. However, that meant I was listening to voices in my head. There was a touch and go moment where everyone at the table thought the entire game was just my character's imagination. Especially because the DM expressed interest in switching to a new system.

Ended up the PCs found me and set fire to the Asylum just to be sure.

Divusmors
2016-12-20, 12:44 AM
This happened in a Rifts game I was in, with 5 players but the exchange was with just three; the DM, the crazy techno-wizard that likes to tinker with things and is normally good at it, and myself, a firepower loving headhunter. Those who don't understand how the skills work, your skills grow up to 98%, and you roll percentage and try to be under your skill. So 100 is critical failure.

DM: So you just bought, what, your 7th rifle?
Me: Yeah. (turning to the tech-wiz) Think you're handy enough to combine a couple of them? Make three or four barrels fire off one trigger?
Tech-wiz: (Mr. Burns finger tapping) Absolutely!
Rolls a 96 on a 56 skill
DM: You melt your work bench into a puddle of goo at your feet.
Tech-wiz: ...Guess I'll make a new work bench.
rolls a 99
DM: You destroy your metal supplies while trying to weld.
rolls 100
DM: You start hammering a wooden table leg to a flat wooden sheet and it somehow catches fire.
rolls 90
DM: You snap most of your wood supplies as you get frustrated.
rolls 96
DM: You try to hammer the broken pieces together and bend just about every nail you touch.
Tech-wiz: I curl into the fetal position in the corner and suck my thumb.
DM: Roll it because it's been funny so far. :D
Tech-wiz: :( rolls a 100
DM: You proceed to poke your right eye out with your thumb.
rolls 51
DM: Using the 4 least bent nails, 2 unbroken legs and a heavily cracked board, you made a table. It's pretty ugly.
Tech-wiz: (rushes the table out to me and offers it graciously)
Me: Wow... that's.. that's great, man. (places a hand on his shoulder) I think you should have the honor of taking it out back and shooting it.

GuesssWho
2016-12-23, 07:18 PM
LOL Holy ****

werepyre2327
2017-01-06, 11:21 AM
Oh boy do I have a story for ya!
My favorite Pathfinder campaign stories are as follows:

The DM had decided to use a modified version of explosive runes to destroy an entire town.The way we were supposed to counter it was to disrupt five different magic circles.

However rather than actually destroy the fifth one our parties mage decided to convert it to a smaller bomb that went off at his command.

Since he wanted to make sure the command word wouldn't be something an ordinary person would randomly say and accidentally destroyed part of the town with, he decided to go with "blue fluffy kitten"

That's when the ogre appeared . Keep in mind we were only level one at this point so an ogre was a little bit much for our scatterbrained party. That is of course until the overstepped directly on the rune, and the wizard said with a dead pan expression and a very serious tone of voice "blue fluffy kitten "

And that's why the freaking entire rest of that campaign, whenever that wizard got drunk he would start telling stories of the time he killed an ogre using a blue fluffy kitten.

It only got better from there though!

Now in this game, I was playing an overconfident Kineticist and my friend, who was DM , had a good sense of humor. So when I decided , as a joke, to fill in the spot for deity with "Himself" I got some good laughs.


Here's the thing:

Around level 5 we sneak into an enemy camp , witness a horrifying ritual and a battle way beyond us, inherit the power of a dying mythic tier creature and become mythic ourselves.

Now the party's paladin - played by another friend of mine- had been joking about converting to worship me as soon as I could provide spells. Thing is there's a mythical ability THAT LETS YOU DO EXACTLY THAT.

In the end I not only became my own god but my first archbishop was the party paladin.

By level 5

The game died out before I had a chance to punch Cthulhu , unfortunately.

These days I DM more than I play but the group composition is the same so expect more stories REAL SOON.

GuesssWho
2017-01-06, 07:25 PM
So the lunacy game is still going. We have discovered an ancient ruin full of malfunctioning magitek robots named Stanley, walked into a zone of slow time, intimidated reality into changing for us, fought a plague doctor made out of string, met a wizard with a detached retina in his third eye who had died three days from now and collected multiple epic artifacts--all of it while still at level six or so.

Tiadoppler
2017-01-15, 08:50 PM
Just found my old (3-4 years ago) text file of funny D&D things from my campaigns:

(Regarding burning down a church in the middle of Baldur's Gate with a wagon full of Alchemist's Fire)
Dragonborn Fighter: It was my IDEA, but it wasn't my FAULT... I didn't even get to help!


(Never split the party. The Ranger is alone in the woods)
Ranger: Are you a magical bear?
DM: The bear says no.

Ranger: I jump up into the tree. (Said with absolute certainty and conviction) Bears can't climb trees.

DM: The bear is ten feet directly below you, standing on the ground.
Ranger: Should I jump down?
DM: The bear nods and opens it's mouth.

DM: The bear is now right below you.
Ranger: I climb further up the tree.
DM: You're now thirty-five feet up. The bear makes a climb check.
DM: The bear is now thirty feet up.

Ranger: How high am I now?
DM: You're fifty feet up, and the bear is right below you.
Ranger: I just failed my balance check. I fall down.
DM: *after fall damage calculation* You now have exactly zero HP. You should have just jumped into the bear's mouth.


(Part of the same, split party)
DM: You've been waiting, lost and alone, in a snowstorm, for three hours, and you're really bored. What have you been doing?
Dragonborn Fighter: I've been running around, knocking over trees with my head and building a huge fort out of the logs. *rolls four or five massive Athletics checks*
DM: Huh. Yeah. Okay. You've built a large palisade fort by the side of the road.



(The Dragonborn had, several sessions ago, been Bluffed into thinking that the horse manure on the road was actually chocolate. Whenever he has to stop and think for a while:)
Dragonborn Fighter: I eat some road chocolate.



(Different group. This is another one of those 'never split the party' moments)
Tiefling Sorceress: Yeah, that hits. I'm bloodied.
DM: The red dragon grabs you in her claws and raises you off the ground.
Tiefling Sorceress: "I surrender. Just make it quick - I'm all tender and juicy." I go limp and try to look helpless and harmless *critical success Bluff*
DM: The dragon stops squeezing you with her talons and looks more closely at you.
Tiefling Sorceress: It stopped attacking me? I'm going to seduce it!
DM: That's not going to-
Tiefling Sorceress: *critical success Diplomacy*
DM: -okay, the dragon stares at you 'hungrily' and starts carrying you tenderly back into her lair.

Paladin: *athletics* I break down the door.
DM: You see a huge red dragon crouching over the helpless body of your best friend, who is dripping with blood.
Tiefling Sorceress: I wink and give a thumbs up.
Paladin: I roll my eyes and say "This again?"
Tiefling Sorceress: "I have a new title for my autobiography: The Things I Do for my Country."

(The red dragon became a recurring ally.)

jscape2000
2017-01-15, 10:04 PM
Our low level party meets a sphinx guarding the exit from the enchanted tower; we needed a riddle or a snack. No one knows any riddles.

Short time later, the paladin dies (falling into an illusion pit trap.)

The party has found a snack for the sphinx, and we're able to leave. No one is sorry.

Inevitability
2017-01-16, 10:35 AM
Just found my old (3-4 years ago) text file of funny D&D things from my campaigns:

(Regarding burning down a church in the middle of Baldur's Gate with a wagon full of Alchemist's Fire)
Dragonborn Fighter: It was my IDEA, but it wasn't my FAULT... I didn't even get to help!


(Never split the party. The Ranger is alone in the woods)
Ranger: Are you a magical bear?
DM: The bear says no.

Ranger: I jump up into the tree. (Said with absolute certainty and conviction) Bears can't climb trees.

DM: The bear is ten feet directly below you, standing on the ground.
Ranger: Should I jump down?
DM: The bear nods and opens it's mouth.

DM: The bear is now right below you.
Ranger: I climb further up the tree.
DM: You're now thirty-five feet up. The bear makes a climb check.
DM: The bear is now thirty feet up.

Ranger: How high am I now?
DM: You're fifty feet up, and the bear is right below you.
Ranger: I just failed my balance check. I fall down.
DM: *after fall damage calculation* You now have exactly zero HP. You should have just jumped into the bear's mouth.


(Part of the same, split party)
DM: You've been waiting, lost and alone, in a snowstorm, for three hours, and you're really bored. What have you been doing?
Dragonborn Fighter: I've been running around, knocking over trees with my head and building a huge fort out of the logs. *rolls four or five massive Athletics checks*
DM: Huh. Yeah. Okay. You've built a large palisade fort by the side of the road.



(The Dragonborn had, several sessions ago, been Bluffed into thinking that the horse manure on the road was actually chocolate. Whenever he has to stop and think for a while:)
Dragonborn Fighter: I eat some road chocolate.



(Different group. This is another one of those 'never split the party' moments)
Tiefling Sorceress: Yeah, that hits. I'm bloodied.
DM: The red dragon grabs you in her claws and raises you off the ground.
Tiefling Sorceress: "I surrender. Just make it quick - I'm all tender and juicy." I go limp and try to look helpless and harmless *critical success Bluff*
DM: The dragon stops squeezing you with her talons and looks more closely at you.
Tiefling Sorceress: It stopped attacking me? I'm going to seduce it!
DM: That's not going to-
Tiefling Sorceress: *critical success Diplomacy*
DM: -okay, the dragon stares at you 'hungrily' and starts carrying you tenderly back into her lair.

Paladin: *athletics* I break down the door.
DM: You see a huge red dragon crouching over the helpless body of your best friend, who is dripping with blood.
Tiefling Sorceress: I wink and give a thumbs up.
Paladin: I roll my eyes and say "This again?"
Tiefling Sorceress: "I have a new title for my autobiography: The Things I Do for my Country."

(The red dragon became a recurring ally.)

I suggest posting this in the Campaign Quotes thread.

Tiadoppler
2017-01-16, 06:39 PM
Will do!

From the other day:

Context: in D&D 4e, Bards have an ability, Vicious Mockery, that allows them to injure their enemies by insulting them.




Bard: "You need to go brush your teeth... IN HELL!"

Asha Leu
2017-01-16, 07:25 PM
From a 3.5 game back when I was in high school. Party was all roughly level 5-7 or so, fighting through a dungeon infested with fiendish creatures and minor demons.

DM: "Okay, you enter the next room. In the corner is a swirling magical portal. On the other side of the portal, you can see the Abyss. Some Balors and other immensely powerful demons are milling about in the distance. They don't seem to have noticed you."

Player: "I walk through the portal and start attacking demons."

DM: "You enter... the Abyss?"

Player: "Yeah."

DM: "Um. Okay. You walk through the portal and a Balor kills you. You are dead."

Later on, the player revealed that he had been getting bored of the game and just play some GTA.

Crownrock
2017-01-18, 07:33 AM
I'm currently playing in one game as Skye, a human wizard who was raised by Gomes, and passionately hates goblins. On a recent mission, we teamed up with a large group of goblins that the whole party has grown to love. Out of character, I actually kind of liked these goblins too. The DM has given each one a lot of character, and each one is a lovable little scamp.

Well, for some reason in this game, Skye has been made the lead strategist in nearly every encounter, including this one. Staying in character, I convinced one goblin to let me tie his arms outstretched to a large branch, telling him that he would look like a scarecrow.
"A scarecrow? But they no crows, they bandits," he said.
"Exactly," I said. "You're my little scare bandit!"
I then put a sword in each of his hands, put a backpack filled with dry brush on his back, pointed him in the direction of the bandit camp, and lit him on fire, smacking him on the butt for extra incentive. He ran in to the camp, screaming "AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEE SCARE BANDIT SCARE BANDIT SCAAAAARE BANDIT!"

While he distracted the bandits, I sent the rest of the goblins in to attack and not a single one survived. But the dice are funny sometimes. The scare bandit, rolling at disadvantage with a -3 to his attacks, managed to kill more of the bandits than the other 10 goblins combined, and didn't take a single hit before the fire finally killed him.
As he toppled over, with his last breath, he uttered his last words... "Scare... Ban... Dit..."

I can't do justice in writing to my DM's skills as an actor. I was the only player at the table not crying, and only barely. The whole party was pissed at me, both in and out of character. Skye is not allowed to talk to goblins anymore.

Jerrykhor
2017-01-19, 09:54 PM
Here's a funny TPK story. Just yesterday, my group was playing only our 2nd session of Hoard of the Dragon Queen. We were a party of 6, all of us were 4th level (we initially wanted to play Rise of Tiamat, but later changed our mind, and DM allowed us to keep our characters).

Combat was a breeze as expected. We killed a few cultists and reached the town that has an adult dragon in the sky. After killing more mobs, our Goliath Cleric used Thaumaturgy to loudly intimidate the cultists.... in Draconic. This prompted the dragon to come down and breath on us, dealing 12d10 damage.

It was real stupid of him, because he already yelled something in Draconic not long ago, and caught the Dragon's attention. My character also warned him of that what he did was most unwise. But he still said 'Its something my character would do'. A ****ing adult dragon is nearby and you still yell threats in Draconic?? I don't care if you have 8 int 8 wis, NOBODY would do that.

No-Kill Cleric
2017-01-19, 11:53 PM
Let me tell you the tale of how my level 4 elf wizard became the Empress of China.

The campaign began, as all should, in the city library. An elderly human scholar was mounting an expedition to enter the MacGuffin Fortress. One of the local paladins, a tiefling adopted by dwarves, was assigned to him for his safety, and so followed him wherever he went. A fiery pirate captain came by, her flirty walk upset the paladin, and so he publicly shamed her and smashed the marble floor in his outrage. A dashing bard swept in to help, and was brought onto the team due to his love for stories and legends. The captain was reconciled and bribed with treasure, specifically whatever she needed to remove an enemy of hers. My wizard, forced into a "study abroad" program (which was more of a "go outside and don't come back for 100 years" program), was brought in with interest of magical research and discovery.

To gain access, we had to win the favor of the four lords of the island. The Western Queen immediately accepted, but we had to win the other three leaders over.

Many antics were had, with many pop culture references along the way. At one point, an alligator had plucked me off the northern beach, and with a Nat 1 from the DM for the alligators grapple, and a Nat 20 on my part, I wrenched opened its jaws and fired a firebolt down its throat. This feat earned me the only Inspiration Point awarded in the campaign. This will be important later.

Near the end of the campaign, we were deeply entrenched in gang politics in the eastern district. We were running out of sessions and going nowhere. To get the ball rolling again, the DM had an NPC finally be fed up with one of the gangs, a shadowy assassination group that kept power through intimidation. The party followed the NPC and helped him wipe out the entire organization. They used limited use vorpal weapons, and like any good party we plundered the loot. As I was a mere wizard, I picked up a crossbow and some vorpal bolts. We found that the assassin gang had successfully tunneled into the palace, so we took our opportunity. The Eastern Khan (leader of an entire continent, with his capital on the island) only valued power, so this was our chance to either remove him or win him over.

We made it to the throne room, where he, his niece, and his army of men and clay golems were in wait. The Khan began to give a grand speech about how we were ruining his perfect kingdom and what pests we were.

An idea came over my mind before the DM had even finished the first sentence of the speech.
I raised the crossbow, aimed at the Khan, and expended my Inspiration Point to roll a 20.

Pop.

His niece, shocked but pleasantly surprised, took the crown and began to rant about how her time had come at last.

She went down in three shots.

The human guards were furious, but the golems went stiff. The guards and our party fought fiercely, but I still had my idea. I dashed across the throne room to where the decapitated royals laid. I cleaned off the blood splatter, and instinctively placed the crown on my head. I figured that the Khan was controlling the golems through something on his person. I noticed a ring on his finger, and I slipped it onto my own.

10,000 voices greeted me as their master.

After most of the loyal guards were bested, the rest of the witnesses looked to me, the slayer of the previous Khan, and dubbed me the new Khan.

We successfully negotiated with the other leasers, opened the fortress, fought the boss, and everyone was rich and happy. The end.

As the empress of "China", I had many responsibilities. The bard, the expert face, and I consolidated power, and went on to construct many more clay golems to serve as robot labor to build schools throughout the empire.



And that's how two level four characters turned gang-ruled China into a Socialist Utopia through robot labor.

Chuupag
2017-01-23, 09:41 AM
Playing 5e for the first time with wife and 5 year old daughter. I'm playing a dragon born cleric, wife a tiefling Ranger, and daughter a water genasi Bard.

I make up a crappy 1 off cave to get us to level 2 before starting the starter pack adventure as I've read it can be difficult with so low health. Last monster in the place is a lizard man.

Since I'm both DMing and playing I've saved my spells and attempt guiding bolts, rolls 1. Ranger runs into melee and misses. Bard throws a spear, rolls 20, crit does over half the lizard man's health. I attempt guiding bolts again...another 1. Ranger misses again. Bard uses vicious mockery and hits for high damage.

I'm out of spell slots now so I try poison spray as I took the nature domain. Lizard man rolls a 20 on his save and takes no damage. Ranger misses again, Bard hits with vicious mockery and hits high damage taking out the lizard man.

Was so hillarious that the Bard(the 5 year old) single handedly killed the 'boss' by insulting it while the Cleric miffs 3 spells in a row and the Ranger can't hit the broad side of a barn with her main or offhand short swords.

arrowed
2017-01-23, 10:32 AM
In my current (and first) Pathfinder game, in which the party is in a badlands area full of monsters, and has been doing mostly outdoor quest stuff. I'm playing a rogue, and after setting up a kingdom the party decided to do some treasure hunting to help fund it. We ended up going to a pyramid in a desert. I was very excited because I'd be able to use all my trapfinding features. We got there, I rolled high on my perception and found a ton of traps around the entrance.
'OK, what do I use to disable them?'
'Disable Device'
'Yeah, but what's that under?'
'It's a skill.'
'... I don't have any ranks in it.'
Next session will be... interesting. Especially since the traps in the pyramid are self-repairing and occasionally move around.

Inevitability
2017-01-23, 12:03 PM
In my current (and first) Pathfinder game, in which the party is in a badlands area full of monsters, and has been doing mostly outdoor quest stuff. I'm playing a rogue, and after setting up a kingdom the party decided to do some treasure hunting to help fund it. We ended up going to a pyramid in a desert. I was very excited because I'd be able to use all my trapfinding features. We got there, I rolled high on my perception and found a ton of traps around the entrance.
'OK, what do I use to disable them?'
'Disable Device'
'Yeah, but what's that under?'
'It's a skill.'
'... I don't have any ranks in it.'
Next session will be... interesting. Especially since the traps in the pyramid are self-repairing and occasionally move around.

Unless the traps repair within six seconds, I fail to see how this can't be solved with a barrel of rocks and a herd of goats. :smalltongue:

Wookieetank
2017-01-23, 12:07 PM
Unless the traps repair within six seconds, I fail to see how this can't be solved with a barrel of rocks and a herd of goats. :smalltongue:

Or a bag of tricks.

arrowed
2017-01-23, 01:00 PM
Or a bag of tricks.

Our necromancery cleric (known by the rest of the party as Edgelord) got stuck in a pit trap and stone shaped his way out. The trap repaired almost as soon as he got out.

Wookieetank
2017-01-23, 01:16 PM
Our necromancery cleric (known by the rest of the party as Edgelord) got stuck in a pit trap and stone shaped his way out. The trap repaired almost as soon as he got out.

Does anyone in your party know stone to flesh? It'd make quick work of the entire pyramid, albeit messily.

Barnjac17
2017-01-25, 06:08 PM
My Grandfather was playing AD&D a looking time ago and played a Human Fighter with an intelligence of 6 named Moosebane. The party was walking along a dungeon and Moosebane tripped over a tripwire but somehow didn't break the wire and trigger the trap.

So he proceeded to cut the wire with his great sword cause it made him fall on his face and he was pissed at it. Causing the roof to cave in, killing the illusionist.

pokedude8888
2017-01-27, 08:41 PM
This just happened today. My friend was running a Pathfinder game for me and his brother. I was playing grug (Yes it is spelled with a lowercase) an orc Barbarian 3/Martial Artist Monk 2. Anyway, grug and his friend Jinx, (My friends brother, a dwarf barbarian) were sent into the underdark to shake up some sniverblem (The dark gnomes). They go down and run into some grub things, those are taken care of pretty quickly when the mother grub shows up. grug crits it and when it falls, he places his foot on it and announces, "grug is champion!", he rolls a charisma check, 0. He got a total of zero from his -2 charisma modifier. Then his boot tells him that he should get off the grub queen (it is intelligent) and he argues with it, prompting a weird look from one of the NPC's. They then take out the gnomes, and on the way up, they run into a group of kobolds.

Let me give some background about grug, he once ran into a horse, it hurt him so he killed it, and then he met a kobold that he accidentally killed.

He sees the kobolds and proceeds to yell, "No, don't kill kobold friends," A battle ensues and he punches one with non lethal, then he grapples one that started to rage, he walked away patting the kobold on the head saying, "there there kobold friend, grug make you happy," after giving him food, the kobold agreed to stay with him, and thus begins the tale of grug and Kobold friend.

Crownrock
2017-01-28, 01:51 PM
I've been running a game with my wife and kids for some time now, and recently invited a friend and his family to join us. I started planning how to introduce these three new pcs in to the game in progress, and decided to have everyone thrown in prison.

I was super excited about this, and spent two weeks writing an overarching story with several small quests, all taking place in this prison mine. Their only gear would be pick axes and shivs, and I was expecting at least three long sessions before they would finally find a way out.

Five minutes in to the game, my friend's wife starts a riot and breaks out.

dehro
2017-01-29, 05:55 AM
I like to think I know what I'm doing in life in general and try not to be stupider than average in most things.
Around the table, with a character sheet in my hands, this character trait fails me spectacularly, and regularly.
On average I get at least once terrible brainfart per session. Often this costs me incessant ribbing from some of the other players, also, it can cost me my character.. so my characters tend to not have a great life expectancy.

My current favoured soul of Tyr was in a library that had one rule: don't take the books out of the library and, on pain of death, don't use magic in the library.
I, the player, didn't hear the second part of the rule, so I cast Amanuensis to copy a few things. Alarms went off and the DM decided to spare my character by "only" having his pinkie toes amputated.

Last Friday I did one better. Set upon healing (with a measly wand of cure moderate wounds as I'd run out of most spells) one party member, I completely ignored/forgot about the three gnolls that surrounded me. I could've dimension doored out of there, instead took their AoOs to the face.
All 3 hit me, one critted
I died. The character I was set on healing had to bail me out of there, our paladin had to restore me to life, however temporarily. In our next session I shall die again and somebody will have to waste a wish spell to resurrect me. Probably the very character I was about to heal.
I swear I'm not this dumb irl...

MTB and DND
2017-02-02, 07:43 PM
I got a funny one about our two rouges. Is it me our are rouges always having laugh worthy stories.
Our party had recently killed a dragon. So the Lord of the town invited the party to a feast. Well being rouges, the pair of them planned a scheme in secret. The DM (me) had no idea what they where planning. So as you can guess I was awfully surprised when they went to buy there formal clothes for the ball. Lance, one of the rouges bought an XXL dress. I stared at the two just snickered none of the others had no idea what was about to go down. Except the swordmage that is. They had bribed him. I shrugged it of thinking that rouges just wanted to do odd things. Well turns out Lance went to the ball with pillows and blankets stuffed in the dress. Faramor, the other rouge, proceeded to explore the castle. He found the treasury after a while. Faramor went and told Lance. The sword mage, Zolderon, got a signal and "tripped" and sent food al over the Queen. Well of coarse this caused a huge distraction. I already new what was going to happen. And sure enough the rouges made there way past the guards and to the treasury. At this point you are probably thinking what the XXL dress is for. Well the rouges took the pillows out and, well, stuffed gold in. It was jingling around to much, so they hyjacked a carriage. Everything was going smothley until they rolled, you guessed it, a one. Well they where spotted by a barkeeper who thought they looked
suspicious. Well they made it back to their dorm and quickly hide the gold in a chamber pot. If you do not know what a chamber pot is you are free to look it up. I will not go into to detail about it. Well the guards came in and found Lance sleeping and Faramor pretend drunk they began to search the room. One guard decided to check the chamber pots. "You, sir don't want to look in there. My friend here has had, um, stomach problems. Absolutely disgusting." Faramor slurred. The guard looked anyways.
Well the rouges where caught. But needless to say we have never forgotten about.

MintyNinja
2017-02-03, 02:59 PM
Last session my party of 10th level Evil-ish characters went to church:

They're looking for a Portable Hole with Locate Object because of a recent string of casino and gambling hall heists in the city has lead them to believe there is a Portable Hole with a ton of treasure inside it. They're correct, but there's at least three Portable Holes in this small city, each held by powerful people. The one the managed to Locate was in the possession of the leader of the local Thieve's Guild, the Priest of Tymorra. He's the least powerful, individually, of the people with Portable Holes, so good luck to the players.

After a morning of slaughtering drunks and vagrants for their skeleton army (Necromancer in the group), they stop by the Temple of Tymorra. As they enter the priest, Delmorra, is giving a sermon on how luck finds those who work hard, a popular topic in this section of the city. The group is an eclectic lot, as most parties are, but they surprise me by quietly sitting in the back row of the temple and listening politely to the sermon. It was then that they sort of ad-hoc'd a plan together without having to say anything and this is what terrifies me about my group.

The barbarian, a halfling river pirate named Wilwrick Thunderbottom, gets up and starts going up to each and every one of the parishioners in the temple and flipping them a silver coin while saying, "I'm Luck." After the tenth or so time, Delmorra the Priest calls him out and asks what he's doing. Wilwrick continues on, handing coins to people and proclaiming himself to be Luck. Delmorra takes this as an opportunity and espouses on the virtues of generosity and how Lady Luck must have truly blessed him in order to allow him to give away such wealth. In fact, why doesn't he make a donation up at the altar? Wilwrick thinks this is a pretty cool idea and the crowd seems to really like him right now, so he heads up to the head of the altar and drops in a large handful of gold to great applause. Delmorra places his hand on his shoulder and casts Charm Person, which Wilwrick fails, and asks him to truly share the luck he so obviously is blessed with (high persuasion roll, with advantage). At this point I tell the player that while he can choose to do what he likes, he feels like the man standing beside him is a close and trusted friend and that all the people here really do look at him like a hero. So he goes and throws a couple hundred gold into the center of the temple!

During the rushing panic of working class and just-above-poor people scrambling for the gold, our paladin says that she's Locating Object: Portable Hole. I realize what's happening as the rogue sneaks off to the office where the Paladin directs him. The rogue's able to slip through the locks without hesitation and eventually finds the book where the Portable Hole was hidden. As he starts putting books back, I have him give me an Intelligence check to return them in the right positions but don't tell him the result (he passed). As he's returning to the group, Delmorra is giving another sermon on generosity and he happens to spot the Rogue, the one person in the party he's met before. He drops a clue in the sermon that the rogue should recognize as a subtle "I see you," but continues on without making more of a scene.

As the party starts to leave, Wilwrick starts giving high fives as he makes his exit. "Good Luck!" High five. "Good luck!" High five. "Bad Luck!" Rolls damage and breaks a man's arm! The man is screaming in pain as Wilwrick skips to the next person with his hand out stretched but no one is accepting high fives anymore. He leaves, still in a chipper mood, while Delmorra sermonizes on how fickle Luck can be.

While Wilwrick may have lost a couple hundred gold pieces, the party just stole the Treasury of the Thieve's Guild, which amounts to about 5,000 gp in gold and gems. They haven't checked it yet, so they don't even know they have the wrong one.

GitusMcGudis
2017-02-04, 01:13 AM
First time posting, had to post this story from my 5e group. Just happened today

Taiyo: Gnome Artificer , who is obsessed with magical artifacts(Unearthed Arcana class)
Garth: Half Orc Paladin
Elfonse: Half Elf Warlock


In our last session, our party stopped at a store that sold magical items. Taiyo proceeds to buy everything in sight, including a Bag of Beans, as well as the Deck of Many Things, and a Cube of Force.
Elfonse immediately, after gaining some distance from the rest of us, draws 2 cards from the deck. He gets ruin, and flames (which has yet to cause anything of importance,but may not get the chance too) After seeing the results, Garth takes the deck to make sure no one else tries anything. After a quick pass through the underdark (and several failed slight of hand checks by Taiyo), we reach an outpost where we were going to take a rest. Before that, however, Taiyo pulls Garth aside. After a short walk, Taiyo uses the Cube of Force, and begins planting the beans. He gives Garth the choice to either give him the deck, or the beans sprout. Garth, probably thinking he wasn't crazy enough to try anything, simply walks off. That session we learned to never underestimate chaotic neutral. We are currently level 3, and are now about to fight 2 Bulettes, and possibly a mummy lord if Taiyo decides to top himself by opening it's sarcophagus.

Keycraftsman
2017-02-07, 07:07 PM
First time posting, still a noob player as well.

Party:
Human Fighter(me), slightly deranged and paranoid.
Tiefling(?) Warlock, always hid his face, comes up with "good" plans, know-it-all.
Dragonborn Monk, insane stat rolls.
Gnome mage, Tiny and scared.

Story:
We were invading a dungeon that seemed to have some demonic influence. We soon found out everything in this dungeon was a mimic.

After having descended into the cave we find a small river with a boat on shore. As we see no other way forward we proceed to use the boat but not before tying a rope to it to secure our way back.
Warlock: *attempts to bind rope around boat but notices the boat is sticky to the touch* This is suspicious.
Fighter: I attempt to set the boat on fire with my torch.
GM: Teeth appear on the boat and the thing is screeching in pain
Monk: I know I was joking with mimic boats… but now I’m having actual trust issues.
Warlock: Let’s pull it in… For……. Research?
Monk: Ok. I wanna see this thing from up close. *tosses rope and it hangs by the teeth of the mimic boat, rolls a total of 8 for pulling the boat*
Fighter: GIMME THAT ROPE THEY USUALLY HAVE GOOD STUFF IN THEM *rolls high and immediatly pulls the boat in.*
Monk: (This is total mimic brutality)
GM: The mimic pops out legs.
Gnome mage: o_o;
GM: It attacks the fighter.
Fighter: *attacks the boat*
Monk: *beats it twice*
Gnome Mage: That is a strong boat.
Warlock: It’s a mimic. You’re supposed to avoid them.

Warlock: *shoots eldritch blast rolls a 1 so it disappears in the water.
DM: The water growls as the blast disappears in the fluid.
Party: … The river is a mimic too..

And that is the moment the entire party became paranoid of mimics. We started checking everything to see if it was a mimic. Opening doors with axes, kicking over chairs, shooting arrows in chest and we were right about half the time.
I still don't know if the GM actually set it up that way or was just rolling with our paranoia.

WarrentheHero
2017-02-07, 11:15 PM
I've been running a game with my wife and kids for some time now, and recently invited a friend and his family to join us. I started planning how to introduce these three new pcs in to the game in progress, and decided to have everyone thrown in prison.

I was super excited about this, and spent two weeks writing an overarching story with several small quests, all taking place in this prison mine. Their only gear would be pick axes and shivs, and I was expecting at least three long sessions before they would finally find a way out.

Five minutes in to the game, my friend's wife starts a riot and breaks out.

Something g similar happened to me. I spent a while working on this arc in which the PCs for captured by Thri-Kreen in the desert, and forced to fight gladiator-style in an Arena. Everything went wrong as soon as the Paladin managed to summon his horse. In the jail cell.

Crownrock
2017-02-10, 03:31 PM
Something g similar happened to me. I spent a while working on this arc in which the PCs for captured by Thri-Kreen in the desert, and forced to fight gladiator-style in an Arena. Everything went wrong as soon as the Paladin managed to summon his horse. In the jail cell.

It's okay, I got my wife back when she was DM. I'm a wizard, and we had a campaign that took us under the sea with some water breathing potions.

When 30 foot long great white shark started following I asked if I could change my familiar's form in to a remora. (I have an item that allows me to change my familiar's form instantly)
Confused, she said that would be fine. I had my familiar swim right up to the shark and latch on to his belly, as the party and I took cover in a ship wreck too small for him to follow us. Then I cast shocking grasp through my familiar until the shark died.

Shocking grasp is a cantrip, so I can cast it continually, but it's pretty weak (2d8), and the shark had very high health. After the fourth time casting it, with the shark unable to reach us and the whole party confirming that they're not budging from the hidey hole, my wife tore up the sheet for the shark, and said, "After ten minutes, the shark dies. Not from your shocking grasp, but from boredom. I hope you're happy."

Em9500
2017-02-22, 07:50 PM
I was playing a game of Risus with 2 friends. I knew from the beginning it wasn't going to be serious because the characters were a talking baseball and a flying goat wizard.

It was a dimension hopping storyline (which I was going to end with a gigantic boss fight). They had just travelled to a high tech dimension and were greeted by a police officer.

Instead of being sent on a quest by the police officer, like I had hoped, they instead attacked him and blew up a building. Then because of that, they became inter dimensional terrorists

GuesssWho
2017-02-26, 12:12 PM
A lot of very silly things happened in my last game, but the one I found most memorable was that my character got cursed to be a zombie. Someone gave me a scroll of remove curse, but since I'm a zombie I'm not sure what to do with it.

I spent several minutes with the scroll on my head like a hat, saying 'make smart? Make smart?' before it was explained to me that I had to read the damn thing.

Fluffyechidna
2017-02-27, 04:08 AM
I was fighting a demon prince with a bunch of buddies. I had teleported up onto his head, and I was about to smite him with lighting. Then, I had a kinda dumb, kinda badass idea. What if I backflipped off him, blasting him with lightning before landing? I told my friends the idea, and they busted out everything they had to bring it down to the point where I could kill it with one mighty bolt. So. They beat him down onto about 10 or something health? I forget. Anyway, I rolled to "kill it with lightning!" as another player put it. So. Rolled to backflip off him at the same time. A 20 and a 15. Killed it, rolled for landing. Nat 1. My Kobold broke his snout and his leg from a 12 foot (4 metre.) jump. Needed to be carried back into town by a next-to useless NPC.

Another bone-breaking incident that occurred to me while I was typing that. The same Kobold broke his arm in a later campaign. I decided to roll a constitution save for the pain. Nat 20, with a +2 modifier. He stood up and walked it off. Later, the team's "Oh, I'm so tough, I could survive a war-axe to the head." guy broke his leg. Nat 1. He screamed so loud, I made everyone roll for sonic damage.

Drrichtoffen
2017-03-05, 09:39 AM
So I've been playing with some friends, but we're pretty lax on the rules and it's also an old swedish edition. Since we started, about 8 years ago, my dwarven fighter has been through a lot. No idea what the system is called but we basically played with d100, 1 being a crit and 100 being a fail (we're not really hardcore). Anyhow here's a kinda funny story:

While on our first mission (with two friends: elf mage and elven ranger) we have to traverse a cave. Some hours into the cave we find a small tunnel to the side of the main tunnel and at the end a small hole down about 20 metres that leads to an underwater stream.

We decide to go down and begin to lower the mage with a rope, when suddenly we hear a noise behind us. We drop the rope and the mage falls the last couple of meters, taking som light damage. Me and the ranger turn around in time to notice a pack of goblins (about 4 or 5 i think) closing in on us. With no escape we grab our weapons and engage them head on.

We both take some moderate damage but in the end we have slain all but one, who is now crippled and trying to crawl away. I'm fairly hurt, but i decide to execute the goblin. I walk up and roll to finish it off. The dice land on 100 and i end chucking my battle axe inte the wall behind me. At this moment the near-dead goblin slashes at me with a shortsword and sends me unconsious. The ranger ends the goblin with his bow, but now he has to figure out how to save me.

He quickly realizes he has to pull up the mage as he is the only one to have any healing spell (none of us learned first aid). So he throws down the rope and the mage begins to climb up. Now what the DM didn't know was that you only fall down from the rope when you fail the roll and our mage had basically no climbing skill. So basically what happened next was the mage would climb up a bit, miss a roll and the DM kept saying he fell down. This happened about four or five times until he finally made it up the rope, all bruised and hurt, and properly healed me

Tldr; I downed to a crippled dying goblin and our mage fell down the ropes (climbing up to heal me) five times because DM didn't read rules

Sorry for the long post, it's my first. Can post some more stories if anyone wants(hoprfully shorter)

lifeinstarlight
2017-03-11, 12:58 PM
So this one time we were playing D&D and I was a playing an elven rogue noble who was stranded in foreign woods as a child and relied on stealing to survive. After finally returning home, I still had a flaw where I would steal things if I was drunk or experiencing a surge of emotion. I was set to marry a prince of another kingdom but on the night before my wedding, I stole the jewels from the castle in my inebriated from the feast and fled to the land where our campaign was taking place.
Fast forward to our initial bonfire meet and greet to our (rather large, 6-7 player) party. Someone decides it’s a great idea to lavish the pretty Elven girl with mead and wine. I get drunk, and when I say drunk I mean SMASHED. (Elves have absolutely no tolerance for alcohol, for those of you who don't know.)
While each player introduces themselves, I casually amble around the campfire, robbing them blind. (They would have had to roll a crit win to even notice.) In a gutsy move, I decide to steal the food off the campfire (my DM decided it was time to introduce myself) and instead of getting caught, I roll a natural 20 and then confirm it with another natural 20. Instead of introducing myself to the party, I take the food, frying pan and everything, off the fire, climb a tree and eat the entirety of the food for 6-8 people and promptly pass out in a drunken food-induced comatose glory.
The wind picks up, and my elf is rather tiny. The DM has me roll to stay in the tree. (taking negatives vs. sleep, intoxication, bloat) I roll… crit fail. I fall out of the tree and directly into the arms of the human monk. (He was the only one to pass the listen check and then a reflex save) The party then notices I’m clutching the frying pan. After the initial surprise at me falling from the sky, the party decides I’m an awesome party-elf and that I must join them because only the most talented could take their frying pan from under their noses.
I pass them the frying pan back, convince them (17 on bluff +high mods +circumstance) that I took their EMPTY frying pan and that they were too drunk to have cooked anything. I help them cook themselves another dinner. At this point, the cleric and paladin (also the only two sober members) return from their aside tasks (I forgot what they were doing) and voice their surprise and concern that another days rations were being used, thus catching me in my lie.
The party decides that since I’m obviously affluent, I’ll buy (to myself, steal) more rations tomorrow and this forgave me. While packing up the next morning, I steal the frying pan and keep it in my pack.
Fast forward to a few sessions later. While trying to infiltrate a goblin hireout, I roll a 1, get captured and presented to the cheiftain as a dainty snack. I’m dangling upside down in the clutches of the mutated goblin chieftain’s grasp. My obvious weapons were secured from me at the beginning of encounter. My dice turned against me and each hidden weapon I produce is knocked away. Finally the weight in my pack shifts and I remember the frying pan. I roll to grab it, make the reflex save, roll to attack and BAM, CRITICAL HIT. Natural 20, confirmed by another natural 20. I smash the chieftain in the face, splitting his skull and killing him instantly. I escape clutching my frying pan dearly. The party arrives to rescue me, makes quick work of the stunned goblins, and hails the frying pan as my savior.
Back in town, jokes are made to have a metalsmith embed spikes on the bottom of the pan. I point out that using frying pan as a weapon is typically a smart idea, but decide that for practical reasons, spikes would be very convenient for cooking at campfires. I then paid someone to enchant a ruby that allows the frying pan to heat without flames at will.
The DM not-so-jokingly decides the frying pan now does 1d6 per each of the six 6" spikes plus 1d10 fire damage.
The frying pan proceeds to become the best weapon in the game.

TLDR: Got drunk, stole a frying pan, won the game.

Drrichtoffen
2017-03-13, 07:55 AM
Party: Jack, Human mage (me)
Ascendus, Human mage
Grim'gur, harbrei (some kinda goat-human hybrid) fighter

So we were at a catacomb which held dome holy ashes we'd been tasked with finding before the BBEG gets it. Only problem was that he had set up camp (with some human mercs) outside the catacomb along with a small orcish encampment. Now we knew we had no chance in a straight out fight so we decide to use a magical d20 in-game, which causes some random effect. The dice ends up transforming into a handheld demonic flame canon.

At that moment i get the most amazing idea i've ever had, so i gather the group and tell them of my plan. See, we'd recently come across a board game which, when moving one of the pieces would move a being in the world. So the harbrei grabs the flame canon, our other mage readies some fireballs and i cast an illusion to make the fighters eyes and horns be engulfed in flame. I then grab the board and move the piece forward flinging the fighter straight into the orc camp.

The ensuing chaos was glorious. Crashing into an ogre (and knocking it unconcious) the fighter stands up and lets loose a battlecry while spewing flames all around him with the canon. The orcs fled immediatly except their leader who intended to free an adolecent dragon. We fought for some time, but eventually he flew off on the dragon.

We were laughing so hard and our DM was just stunned at what we'd done

Pichu
2017-03-23, 12:15 PM
Oh my go, I have reading this forever. I finished the original thread, and am still currently working on this thread. Anyhoo...

My first campaign ever (5e):
-A half-elf ranger 4 (L)
-A human cleric 4 (Me)
-A dragonborn paladin 4/warlock 1 (Q)

A note: this created what we call the L playstyle, because it is nuthin' but Charisma-based skillz

We were going to find a troll and his two ogre bodyguards to go collect a reward, when we come across a patrol of ~6 hobgoblins. I (being newb i was) charged them. I got beaten to a pulp by them. L hid in the woods, while Q started casting spells. After something, (it's a bit foggy), Q ends up talking to the hobgoblins. A hobgoblin reports back with the ranger tied up. The hobgoblin leader asks if this is Q's slave. Q says yes:smallamused:. However, apparently hobgoblins don't like magic, and one sneak up behind Q with a poisoned dagger. One fail con saving throw later, Q is down and the leader kills the misbehaving hobgoblin as it is his "second strike". They take us back to their camp and tie us up in a camp.

While the two holy people sleep, L starts to befriend the tent guards with food. Eventually, she is allowed to come out of the tent, but only under supervision. She is show the Worg fields, where the shaman is trying to tame the worgs. Cue a Nat 20, and L has automatically befriended the Alpha Worg. Impressed by her skills, they go back to the shaman's tent, where he cooks up an elixir to turn L into a half-hobgoblin (pre-VGtM). After rolling really well on a d100 for random effects, L gains +2 to dex and learns goblin. Also, she is given Q and I as slaves.:smallbiggrin:

Note: Afterwards, we escape, L is almost killed for being half-hobgoblin, and the town guard assist use as we, in the words of TFS' Zorin Blitz (from Hellsing Ultimate Abridged), "SLAUGHTER THEM ALL!!!"

ProfessorDex
2017-04-07, 06:37 PM
The funniest thing I've seen in a game was when I nearly killed a guard with a door. We were just starting out our campaign, and the DM had designed it for us to sneak our way out of a prison. Well we started out trying it that way, but eventually we decided it was taking too long.
So I was playing a dwarf fighter, and we decided we were going to wait for the prison guard to make his rounds, and we would ambush him as he was coming through the door. As he's walking down the hallway, I ask the DM if I could stun the guard by slamming the door into him.
After several minutes of determining how to calculate the damage of a door slam, he decides to treat it like a shield bash. So we get to the point where I make my attack roll: natural 20. The DM sighs and we roll for damage, max rolls again.
So the guard starts to walk through the door, I slam it into him, knocking off his helmet and leaving him unconscious on the floor. We steal his sword and armor and proceed to slaughter our way through the rest of the dungeon.
Stealth? What is stealth? Brute force defeats all.

rebelpyroflame
2017-04-14, 11:30 AM
Hi, first time posting, I just had to share the crazy stories of our group

The players (nicknamed as I suck with their names)


(all guys just for clarification)
Jaune - myself, a two ninja and probably the most competent person at most times
le macho - a female druid with a cheetah and a scimitar, named that after our first scenario where she threw three different cold fey imps into three separate woodcutting machines
dictionary - a female haunted oracle of the lore mystery, named because knows knowledge skill out of the ass, spends every combat doing literally nothing and le macho's boyfriend irk and girlfriend in game
ocelot - gunslinger, the only player with real experience, most of our first time playing, the only named one I can remember regularly as named after metal gear solid character
Shorty - a dwarfen paladin, the single worst paladin in existence
trash panda - a arcane bloodline sorcerer focused on summoning, gets into trouble a lot, has a raccoon familiar we call a trash panda that gets into even more trouble and has everyone trying to kill it



the set up is a magic/steam punk world, standard pathfinder world but a lot of emerging steam punk tech and pistols and such.

we work for a guild set up in a massive airship, think fairy tail but they can fly. We get quest through the guild master, a regular pay check on completion and most magic items we find get sold to them, but we get first dips on buying afterwards

the day off


so we had just finished our first scenario, the carnival of tears (shorted as it was supposed to be an introductory one) and the guild master tells us to have a day of.

we end up all going to town (the airship spends most of its time here) and go shopping. As we get to the first shop we realise trash panda has had all his gold and his wand of cure light wounds stolen, so we set out to get it back.

we track the thief down to a shabby house where I attempt to convince him that no amount of money he took from us is worth the amount of damage and trouble we can cause. he chooses to run.

we get in and find the building empty. we eventually find a lift that leads to a underground MASSIVE room with all these crates and boxes in it. We find the wand and start investigating and find one full of swords. Just then we hear knocking on the door upstairs so we panic and run through a corridor that leads to a sewer, because it always leads back to the sewers eventually. As we're leaving we encounter some rats. Dictionary takes a wand of lighting we got from the last mission, places the tip in the water and fries everything, killing a dozen dire rats. Truly his greatest contribution to any of our fights before or since.

we make it back to the guild and have to explain that on our day off, we got robbed and have discovered a plot to overthrow the city.


so our DM uses this as our next plot thread, sending us to the city where this stuff was found. We get tasked with finding a way to discover who is in charge of this attempt and stopping them

The journey


after an hour of arguing (we don't get much done, Shorty in particular seems to think ever situation is like balders gate, smash it without thinking) we take the longest route and take the bus. Along a cliff route we find a toppled tree. As we're trying to move it trash panda gets ambushed by two guys, knocked out, tied up and a bag over his head. I immediately run over to try and stop them, ocelot starts shooting and dictionary doesn't get off the bus.

Shorty's turn, decided it's not worth going to help as it would take more than two turns to get there and attack, leaving his friend to get saved by the squishy ninja :smallmad: and picks a fight with some guys on the other side of the tree.

Something you have to understand for the next part, my back-story is that I somehow survive total party wipes a bunch of times and the guild master doesn't trust me, so he sent trash panda, the guild librarian, to document my behaviour to make sure I'm not deliberately doing this.

as I kill the one guy, the other tries to run. I go to tackle him, trash panda, failing every roll so he's only just waking up now, rolls off the guy and off the cliff :smalleek:

so to reiterate, the guy in charge of keeping an eye on me gets rolled off a cliff thanks to me. He lives, outcropping tree their but still

as the fight continues one of the bandits goes after trash panda. He summons a giant bat behind him to attack him. we're just finishing up and we see his raccoon that climbed up the cliff telling us there down there. Ocelot has a great plan to use the raccoon as a projectile on the guy below, so he picks up the raccoon, rolls handle animal to reassure him and let him know the plan, rolls a 1 on the attack.

the one bandit feels a huge set of teeth enter his neck behind him, just as he starts screaming a separate scream is heard as a raccoon falls past him directly down the cliff, all the while trash panda looks on in horror



we finally make it, book a place to stay and get the lay of the land. There are three ways to go about this. First, help the town guard out until they involve us with their operations. Second, join the local guild under false names and do the same. Third, involve ourselves with the mob until we find out there big plans.

Shorty (who was put in charge of this mission in an effort to get him more involved) decided to go pray to the force (he thinks he's a Jedi paladin) for guidance (ill so couldn't make that session) and we pick dictionary to go be our leader (he had been a little quiet and withdrawn in all our sessions). The following all takes place in one session he is in charge.

group a



me, ocelot and trash panda all go shopping/sell the stuff off the bandits. we find one blacksmith who will accept the armour after we remember to clean the blood off it, but we come up with the idea to make the leather armour into armour for the cheetah and the raccoon. The DM was incredulous, but agrees to make it in a few days, once the guy gets the measurements and consult experts.



group b, aka the library incident



Dictionary and le macho decide to hit up the library in order to get as much info about the city layout, the local crime groups, how that elevator worked etc.

they find that just like us we can't do anything without being registered, especially as an important series of talks and lectures is happening. so first they try to talk their way in. Doesn't work.

Dictionary haunted curse kicks in and throws stuff in the guards hut. They try to sneak past a fail, horribly.

guard confronts them and dictionary attempts to convince him of her overwhelming love of knowledge (I pass around a not to the others saying "books get me wet) and dm lets them in. Where to begin with the next part.

Dictionary haunted curse sends a bookshelf flying, so they hide and leave the cheetah to take the blame. Cue off-screen Scooby do chase/yakety sax scene.

They decide they need to steal a bunch of the books to research later. le macho turns into a rat and hided in Dictionary's cloths. A young researcher starts hitting on dictionary, so le macho bite him. We all have a scare until we double check the rules that his damage is reduced rather than killing him in one shot.

As there leaving le macho the rat realise that there is a spell on the door that detects stolen books. So dictionary tears a page out of one book, gives it to le macho the rat who sneaks into another guys robes. as he passes through the field dictionary goes at the same time and le macho bites him, so he starts screaming about something being in his robes and stripping, giving enough time for dictionary to leave with her books



we meet up and facepalm over the ocean 11 style heist these two pulled up, before going to the guards to register while the others get a cheetah fitted for armour. We go there and trash panda and I go in to get the forms. We find out that it will take several weeks so trash panda bribes the guard. we then go back at night to get our forms

the bad night


we follow the guard as the others follow sneakily behind. We go down a dark alley where he has two guys at the end, two guys on one roof and one on the other with three ready to cut us off. they tell us to give us all our gold and we'll let them live. I tell them to do the same, they refuse.

combat goes off, the others start killing the three at the back, trash panda and I turn invisible, but he doesn't move from the same spot. one guy starts chucking alchemist fire down on him. after a couple of rounds catching on fire, he runs to the others and uses a grease spell on the guy throwing alchemist fire.

Here is where it starts going downhill. He falls, smashing all the various bottles of stuff he has on him. These react in a THIRTY FOOT FIREBALL THAT WRECKS THE ALLYWAY!:smalleek:

we soon finish off the guard and most of his buddies, who flee. the city guard then show up to find out what's going on. I steal a set of keys from the guard and run into the streets, being on the other side of the fireball. The others go into the sewers to escape EXEPT TRASH PANDA. due to several bad wisdom rolls he insisted on, he stays behind then as the guards turn up, drops invisibility and announces he was a bystander. They cuff and bag him back to HQ.

next scene, he gets debagged in an interrogation room. They ask him what happened and he blurts out the truth, only just remembering not to tell the guards he knows who we are. They don't believe him. They think he's a psycho who followed a guard, killed him and bunch of other innocent people in a massive fireball. DM announces his lawyer enters, obviously giving us all a chance to decide who would represent him.

It is at this moment I realise none of us can do it and explain. I (despite having all the face skills) was seen entering the station AND TALKING TO THE GUARD WHO DIED. ocelot can't come because we were both seen in the city getting raccoon and cheetah armour, a cheetah who was seen at the library next two a destroyed bookshelf. A cheetah who was seen entering with a druid and a oracle. The only one who could possibly represent him is Shorty, who sucks at role-playing and being a paladin and isn't there.

It turns out it was the lieutenant of one of the crime families. they were his men and they were supposed to bring us to him but got greedy. When he heard what happened he decided he would spring us as we might be useful to him. trash panda doesn't get this properly and starts denying the idea that he did it, claiming that he was worried the guards were listening. He finally gets a clue and the lawyer leaves to do the paperwork.

at this exact moment, one of our contacts blows a hole in the wall to cut him free and escape. He finally get out, thrown out of a window into a canal and he uses a few invisibility spells to get back to the inn.

During this, we are discussing options and panicking, thinking we might have to cut our losses and leave the city. In bursts trash panda, shouting about how we won't believe what happened to him. Ocelot panics and shoots him. If he hadn't gotten healed during the fight he would have died. He informs us on what happened.

To summarise, we went to get proper papers, and now the whole city, including the guard and the mafia, think that trash panda, the fairly ineffective in combat summoner, is a COP KILLING MASS MUDERUER (there were a few innocents in the buildings killed) WHO BROKE OUT OF POLICE PRECINT BY BLOWING UP SEVERAL WALLS, AND NOW THE MAFIA WANT TO RECRUTE HIM TO BLOW MORE STUFF UP. IF THEY TWIG THAT THEIR MISTAKEN, THEY WILL PROBABLY KILL US AND SO OUR ONLY OPTION NOW IS TO BECOME THE BIGGEST BADASS CRIMINALS THIS CITY HAS EVER SEEN, AND THE GUY IN CHARGE OF THIS DECEPTION IS TRASH PANDA, AKA THE GUY WHO CAN'T TELL LIES OR STORIES VERY WELL DESPITE A HIGH BLUFF SKILL.

that's right people, we are trapped in a "cid the squid" from batman the animated series scenario. I am seriously considering burning down the police station and the library to help build up this image.



So things are not looking up for us. Ended there but I will keep posting updates if anything else crazy happens.

Em9500
2017-04-17, 08:45 PM
We were playing a custom rpg, it was more of a choose your own adventure story than an rpg. So here are the characters

Alex: A unicorn ninja
Soy: a rogue, then later, a knight

I'm just going to give a brief description because the story was very long. So they were in a dungeon, trying to look for gold and the king they are working for comes. They don't know what the trap that they know is there does, so Soy kills the king and uses his body as a bridge. Another person comes in so they kill him too. Fast forward several rooms and they enter a dragons lair (they had no idea) so they start taking his gold. When he wakes up, instead of hiding, they insult the dragons mother. The dragon finds them, and Soy, continues to insult the dragons mother, so he throws Soy into a pile of gold, which the dragon sets on fire. Meanwhile, Alex uses a magical lighter and a magical pack of infinite cigarettes, to light and throw into the dragons throat. Soy's new character enters the room and shouts (it was supposed to be BROTHER!) "BRIDGET!" And the magic of the room transforms the rogue's dead body into a person named Bridget. Eventually, Alex throws enough cigarettes into the dragon to Insta kill it from lung cancer.They continue on to the last room, which they can clearly see the exit of. The only thing in the room is a fountain. No traps. No monsters. Just a fountain. Instead of doing the smart thing (leaving the dungeon!) they decide to drink from the fountain. The fountain contained halusigenic mushroom juice. Soy drinks a lot and is severely hallucinating where Alex is lightly hallucinating. Soy and Alex both go back for more. Soy dies from hallucigenic mushroom poison. Alex is alive but starts thinking Soy is a mermaid. Instead of leaving the room, he CUTS OFF SOY'S LEGS (or the mermaid's tail) TO KEEP HIS STUFF IN THEN leaves the room. As he exits, all the hallucinating goes away, Alex realizes he is holding severed legs. And finally, instead of being horribly scarred for the rest of his life, goes back in (hallucigenic effects come back) and drinks more from the fountain. Alex dies, RPG ends.

Then we realized what we had created and were like 😨

Shoggy
2017-04-18, 05:51 PM
While this isn't a direct campaign moment, I think it might fit here:

The Mummy as an RPG campaign: http://imgur.com/a/hSw44

Em9500
2017-04-26, 08:15 PM
Technically this isn't a story or has happened to me, but I designed a Mutants and Masterminds character who I think has the worst superhero name of all time (its a really bad pun :smallbiggrin:). His superhero name is Bear Hands. Here are his origins

Barret "Bear" Urson was a commander in the military when he was attacked by a bear. he defeated it with his bare hands and ripped off its hands. He wore them to make him tougher to fight. Then one day, his squadron was investigating a villain in a super glue factory when the villain used a new, highly unstable glue to stick Bear’s hands together. But the glue bonded his bear hands and his actual hands together and now he fights crime with his bear hands as his actual hands

If you haven't figured it out, his super power is having bear hands :smallbiggrin:

Guizonde
2017-04-27, 05:07 AM
The funniest thing I've seen in a game was when I nearly killed a guard with a door. We were just starting out our campaign, and the DM had designed it for us to sneak our way out of a prison. Well we started out trying it that way, but eventually we decided it was taking too long.
So I was playing a dwarf fighter, and we decided we were going to wait for the prison guard to make his rounds, and we would ambush him as he was coming through the door. As he's walking down the hallway, I ask the DM if I could stun the guard by slamming the door into him.
After several minutes of determining how to calculate the damage of a door slam, he decides to treat it like a shield bash. So we get to the point where I make my attack roll: natural 20. The DM sighs and we roll for damage, max rolls again.
So the guard starts to walk through the door, I slam it into him, knocking off his helmet and leaving him unconscious on the floor. We steal his sword and armor and proceed to slaughter our way through the rest of the dungeon.
Stealth? What is stealth? Brute force defeats all.

we call that the "edward school of stealth": no witness, no crime. i approve wholeheartedly. i had a similar incident where overwhelming force was used en lieu of subtlety to escape a prison. i jury-rigged copper wire to a small nuclear reactor (post-ap universe, entire electrical grid is run on cold-fusion) in order to make a tripwire. a courier comes running past, fails the spot-check on the tripwire, and the dm looks at us. "uh, edward, as your second action of the game, you've pretty much fried to a crisp a courier, mcgyver style." we playfully argue about how big or small the generator was for a time until the dm agrees that the courier had a fate point, allowing him to survive 7 or 8 times his wound total in electrical damage (for the record, it wasn't that big a generator). upon waking up, we try and bluff the courier into thinking he's just tripped and it works. the courier really thought we were a medevac team. i ask the dm if he suffered. the dm goes up to my ear and screams "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUCCCCHH!!!" as loud as he can. we all had a laugh.

still more subtle than breaking into a prison with a (very small) nuclear bomb, a tank, and enough crowbars to arm the prisoners, but not by much. and before you ask, no, it wasn't edwards plan. she just added the (very small) nuclear bomb for pizzazz. it was just "ram tank into prison, leave big hole, arm prisoners". i'm not allowed nuclear bombs or engineers anymore. something about having a hammer.

TrT8r
2017-04-30, 06:37 PM
This forum won't die, will it?
Anyways, I have a story or two. I personally wasn't involved (my character was drunk at the time), but I was at the table.
So, we had just gotten back from killing a stronghold of goblins and the cleric was asleep. Our paladin decides to play a trick and buys some fish soup and balances it on the door to the room where the cleric is sleeping. He then yells that they are serving free food downstairs. The half asleep cleric wakes up and runs out the door. At this point the cleric asks if he could make an acrobatics check at disadvantage. The DM said he could and he makes the DC. The dm rolls for where it lands. The paladin asks if it hit him anyways. The DM looks up and says "Well, I just rolled a natural one, so enjoy fish armor". Long story short, the paladin's plan backfired. :smallbiggrin:

TrT8r
2017-04-30, 07:45 PM
Another one that I just remembered.
I was playing with a much younger group then before (Like a 9-year old and an 11-year old and their parents). On of the boys expects whatever he does to work with no consequences :smallconfused:. Anyways, we had just arrived on an island. We expected the road to the village that was there to be trapped in some way. So, the monk decides to climb a tree to look out ahead. Somehow, he succeeds. I start singing a traveling song (in and out of character). So, we come up on a hill and see the village. A little girl runs up to us and greets us. The following conversation ensues.
M (monk [said player]): I jump out of the tree and say hi to the girl.
DM:... Roll intimidate.
M::smalleek: But... no, I was just saying hi!
DM: You just jumped out of a tree at a little girl who has almost never seen a traveler. Roll intimidate.
M: (rolls high) Uh.. that's a natural nineteen!
DM: She runs away.
B (Bard, M's brother): I start playing a song (his answer to everything). (Rolls high)
DM: She comes back, but is shying away from M.
Some dialogue later. The girl has warmed up a little and is talking with us (HINT: giving us information).
M: I take out my quarter staff and ask her if she wants to see something cool. :smallsmile:
DM: She runs away.
M: I just asked her if she wanted to see something cool! :smallfrown:
Me: Dude, you just took out a weapon on a small girl that you scared earlier. Why NOT run away?
I then scowl at him, in and out of character.
M: I take out a dart and say "Don't frown at me"
DM: Roll intimidate contest.
Me (good time to mention that I am a 6'11, 270 pound dragonborne barbarian): [rolls] :smallcool: [leans back in chair]
M: I got a 17! That is good right?! What did you get?
Me::smallcool: 21!
DM: M freezes and drops his dart out of fright.
M: I pick up my dart.
DM: nope. It is lost in the mud.
M::smallannoyed:
Lesson learned; don't scare away your information source, and don't try to scare the barbarian.

Dimers
2017-04-30, 08:32 PM
Technically this isn't a story or has happened to me, but I designed a Mutants and Masterminds character who I think has the worst superhero name of all time (its a really bad pun :smallbiggrin:). His superhero name is Bear Hands.

One time I saw a superhero with mimicry powers, able to look exactly like anyone he wanted. His other traits were stuff like resistance to poison, not needing to breathe, et cetera, because he was dead-yet-moving. Name? The Dead Ringer.

Lvl 2 Expert
2017-05-01, 04:23 AM
I was playing with a much younger group then before (Like a 9-year old and an 11-year old and their parents)....
...Lesson learned; don't scare away your information source, and don't try to scare the barbarian.

In his defense, we all relate most to our own experiences, and most 9 year olds don't have a lot of experience accidentally scaring people away. Maybe really young kids or hamsters or something. An adult adventurer jumping down from a tree or pulling out a stick and asking you if you want to see something cool might be a little scary (even if unarmed monks are one of the least scary types of adventurers), a 9 year old doing the same is not.

rebelpyroflame
2017-05-01, 08:38 AM
Hello everyone, story time!

The players


jaune - me, the ninja
trash panda - summoner based sorcerer with a thieving raccoon
le macho - unusual good a wrestling druid girl
dictionary - lore based oracle girl
ocelot - gunslinger



so last time trash panda made his way back to us after becoming the most wanted criminal in the city. we all start making plans. In particular ocelot and le macho will start making hand grenades out of "wood shaped" firewood and his barrel of gunpowder, and we're planning on robbing the library again before we go to the fight club to get some street cred. ocelot stay up and makes these grenades while we all sleep.

noises in the night


ocelot hears a noise and checks the corridor, seeing two figures in black looking in different rooms. we all get ready while I set up some caltrops in the room, some by the door some by the window. After a few minutes ocelot decides to check again and see them at the end of the corridor arguing. He shouts out "can I help you with anything?". Both turn to him and a girl shouts out gleefully "gee I knew he was on this floor". It's at this point I find out that the caltrops I set up get swept aside by the opening door :smallmad:

we get ready as we hear running footsteps before BLAM! the door get knocked off its hinges so hard that the caltrops get knocked all over the room and the door smacks me across the face before imbedding in the wall. She then shouts out "Kitty!" before punching le machos cheetah across the face. Trash panda summons a stone golem in the doorway and every round after that we keep hearing a "whack" followed by it being tripped and smashing into the floor.

it's at this point I start panicking. Between sessions I had helped the DM come up with a few characters. They were three girls based on Harley Quinn (a martial artist/barbarian that could tank like crazy, hit like a truck and run just as fast), Catwoman (a rouge with a whip and sap mastery's so she could hit with the force of a 80 foot drop) and poison ivy (a cleric of plant and charm domain who could turn any spell into a charm person or a heal). I realise we are outclassed and come up with in character reasons why that is, in particular Harly disengaged from combat by running up a wall, back flipping over us and chucking a portion of sneezing powder down.

I go to grab my stuff, the others getting the idea we have to bail and the cheetah smashes through the window. we cover the two (Catwoman simply leaped over the golem and a few other people in a single leap) in obscuring mist and I jump out of the window while going invisible. I then find out that there are six guys in the alleyway surrounding an unconscious cheetah. With a masterful twirl I summersault out of the window and land silently without alerting any of the guards. le macho follows, flubs her roll and I somehow dodge out of the way still not notices as a druid girl slams onto the floor behind me. Dictionary comes up with a plan to running leap into a self targeted levitation spell, granting just enough momentum to cross the 15 foot gab between her and the next roof and ocelot just makes the jump across.

Trash panda turned invisible during this and tries to go out of the front door, only for it to fade of, (probably a purge invisibility spell), sees poison ivy and tries to bluff his way past. she just grabs him, tells him that he's the one there looking for a proceeds to charm person his gullible ass

Harley then immediately leaps across this gap like its nothing while I sneak off and dictionary surrenders, telling all of us to do the same.


the social call


Harley just flips from smashing our faces in to "ok, sure". This absolutely huge fat half-orc then strolls into our room and from my vantage point at the end of the alleyway I can see a crap ton of grunts guarding the front. this guy introduces himself as the lieutenant we saw before, and tells dictionary he had a deal with trash panda. The others agree to go with him to the club, dictionary and trash panda go in a steam punk limo while everyone else gets in a van and I hitch a lift on the outside (I was not going to surrender myself no matter what) and they begin talks.

fatass explains that he wants our help to break into a vault to secure funds. Dictionary nearly blows our cover by going in to hard about wanting to overthrow the system (I face palm so hard at this, I swear I am the only person on the table with IRL face skills to see how dumb that was) but some bluffing from trash panda about how he paid a lot of money for this info and dictionary explaining that she really hates the system and will do anything to help overthrow it.

it is at this point I fail my strength roll, fall of the cart with a cry of "son of a *whack*" but catch up and get on the roof. not relevant but it was funny.

Finally we make it there and I jump of the roof and hide while everyone else makes it in



the club


everyone goes into the club and they start splitting into separate things. Trash panda starts using predisposition to make cards to stack while ocelot throws stone to knock his tower over. Le macho goes with ivy to heal his cheetah and ivy proceeds to try and intimidate her with a mixture of healing and aggressive groping (she "layed her hands" on a very sensitive area while staring at her straight in her eyes the entire time) and the others chat with Harley next to a huge cage for wresting fights. Two thief's are fighting to the death as punishment for stealing from the boss, winner gets to live.

I meanwhile dress as a cleric and am accosted by the bouncer who demands 10 gold entry fee. Not wanting to start a fight and since I need to get in there I give a sob story about how I need a drink as my girlfriend cheated on me with the head priest, so he lets me in for 5 (rip-off anyway) and I promise him a drink next time I see him off duty.

During the conversation with the others, Harley goes "ow, so she's the brainy one (points at dictionary), he's the sploody guy (points at trash panda) and he's the sneaky one (points at me, still disguise buying a drink)". No one took notice but that girl is sneakier than she looks.



the first rule about fight club


le macho joins us again and decides she want a fight. Harley says we can fight Garry, points at a skinny guy, we see a slab of muscle behind him, but it is the skinny guy.

so they get ready, Gary in Speedos and le macho in a leotard as per rules. They are introduced as le macho "angel wings" (an attempt to get in contact with other agents using the key phrase) and Garry "bane"

Then the buffing rounds starts, le macho has no buff spells prepared but bane does. So Trash panda greases her and dictionary gives her a blessing and guidance spell.

despite being unprepared she is really damn good at grapples and manages to win despite being knocked out once and reduced to 1 hp afterwards, successfully choking out bane and nearly dislocating his arm. Ocelot is thrilled as he had 10 gold bet on her, with 5/1 odds and promises the bar free drinks until 10am.

finally the others are told to rest up there, there is much to talk about in the morning (it's 3am at this point) so they rest up. I let trash panda know to meet me at the blacksmiths tomorrow.



my night


while the fight was going on I got the sitrep of trash panda. I then proceeded to play the part of a depressed drinker. as I leave some guys try to follow but I vanish away. I make it back and find tons of city guards. I check the side alleyway, yup more guards. Just then I feel a dart hit me and I start getting sleepy.

I wake up tied to a table with a dark figure over me. It's ninja-san, our main contact. He demands to know what's going on, so I inform him about how we've been hired, and how they need cash from the vault for something. He tells us we can't let the heist go off, he can't contact us directly as the main building monitors magic and can shut down magic they don't like but he can send his apprentice to keep an eye on us and no, he will not itch my nose for me, time for more knock out drugs.

I wake up in a common room an proceed to itch my nose like crazy. IRL trash panda came back into to room from the toilet, and was very confused about my sounds of joy and satisfaction from itching my nose. I make my way to the blacksmith, successfully negotiate a corner to sleep in while I wait and I get him to make me a masterwork kusarigama based on my own.



the proposition


the others wake up and meet with fatass. He tells them the details of the plan, but they don't like just trying to blast their way in, and suggest espionage to sneak in. He tells them it's impossible, the plans are held in the library, and no-one can possibly break in there. Dictionary pulls out the books in her bag she stole, and fatasses jaw hits the floor. He tells us that if we can get info great, or else we go ahead without it.

Trash panda passes on the message and we all meet up at the blacksmiths and inform each other what has been happening.



the heist, phase one


we all dress up as scholarly types and infiltrate the library. The talks were still ongoing and as such we succeed in getting in. We try to split off from a guard but he waits for us. We all go to the toilet, and trash panda distracts him so I can get to the third floor, the restricted section. then le macho calls out that dictionary has fallen. He reluctantly goes in and le macho grapples him while ocelot, and dictionary flail about trying to knock him out. They finally succeed despite ocelot at one point punching le macho in the face. They decide to tie him up, lock him in the toilet with le machos panties in his mouth and his "manhood" pulled out and covered in lipstick.

They make it to the second floor and I tell one of the spellcasters to come up and help me disarm the door. dictionary comes while ocelot and trash panda (went invisible to escape the previous guard) decide now is the time to steal books on engendering and wand making. After much ado, ocelot get the book and meets back up with us, trash panda despite distracting two guards with a summoned dog he is now stuck in the lecture, so he starts coping from his book.

As ocelot and le macho go up the stairs, they get spotted by guards previously distracted coming back up. le macho goes with on, saying she needs the toilet and go to the previous toilet, with the one guard woken up and trying to call for help. She tricks the guard in there to see if "that woman" needs help, and woodshapes the door locked behind her, finally joining us upstairs.



phase two


I get the door open and spot several rune traps. I go with dictionary, marking off all the pressure plates I can see until we get to a giant iron door. After some deliberation I use the tannoy:

Guard: Hello, who's this
Me: city secret guard, open up
Guard: what's going on?
me: we believe that some documents have been stolen from here, and we need to investigate without causing a panic
guard: I don't know, there is no record of you on the timetable
me: yes, what part of not causing a panic do you not understand
guard: I don't know, I think I have to call this up with my manager
me: do you really want to be the one to call him, breaking the secrecy of this theft and spreading panic across the city
(guard opens the door)
guard: who's the city guard?
me: I am
Guard: you don't look like a guard
me: good eye (flurry of shuriken, three shuriken smash into him (one missed from four thrown) for 30 damage)

the others jaw hit the floor at this but we get to work opening the door. We find the document but we come a cropper when we discover the room is full of knockout gas, there was a procedure to vent it but we messed it up by killing the guard and opening the door. We shut it but I'm unconscious, ocelot and le macho are drunk and dictionaries woozy. Then the tannoy starts, it's the guards downstairs, they want to talk to Garry, he's missed his checkups. Ocelot crawls over

guard: Garry, where are you, you missed your checkups
ocelot: riggght heere
guard: are you ok
ocelot: yeah, found a botttle of wissssky in ma draw, stonger thn a tought
guard: do you need help
ocelot: yeaah, could ya seeend up a replacement, I dun feel to goood
guard: well we're having some difficulty, jerry's gotten himself locked in the girls bathroom, but we'll send someone soon.

We all try to leave but le macho fails to jump over one of the presserplates and the alarms and the anti magic field go off.



phase three, the escape


ocelot starts rigging up a barrel of gunpowder and a few grenades with dictionary to blow thought the wall. I meanwhile fill up my hand haversack with as many old books as possible. They succeed in making a small hole and we sneak through to a small recess under the roof. I guard the hole while le macho and ocelot both keep failing to break the roof tiles to get out. the guards start arguing about who goes in first so ocelot shoots through the hole making them panic. le macho during this flubs a roll and gets her foot stuck in the wall. Ocelot finally tries lighting his powder horn and throwing it down the hole, but messes up. he misses, bouncing off the top of the hole and only my reflex save kicks it through but I take some damage and become slowed down. le macho realise she's a druid so she turns into a gorilla and finally smashes a hole. We grapple down the building, I slip, but I just fall since I still have cat boots and take nearly no damage. Just then a guy comes up saying "an angel.." smashed by le macho the gorilla.

This guys was one of ninja-san guys trying to help. We take him with us, stone shape the wall and escape. after healing up he has amnesia so we leave him with a note to give to the guard warning them about the heist and head back to the club



trash panda's day out


trash panda has spent this entire time in the lecture hall. Then the anti-magic field activates, and the guards come in tells everyone to keep calm. Trash panda then starts riling up the crowd, talking about why we need to stick around and eventually a riot breaks out, with the wizards charging out of the gates. he uses an invisibility to escape afterwards



so that was our latest session, not how to rob a vault while not letting it get robbed and not looking like we sabotage it

TrT8r
2017-05-01, 12:37 PM
In his defense, we all relate most to our own experiences, and most 9 year olds don't have a lot of experience accidentally scaring people away.
It was the 11 year old. Both times. And then he took out a weapon on a little girl.

ComaVision
2017-05-01, 12:51 PM
It was the 11 year old. Both times. And then he took out a weapon on a little girl.

He took out a big stick on a little girl. I don't think kids are that afraid of sticks.

EDIT: Also, it's ridiculous that he would have to do an intimidate check. If anything, the girl should have done a sense motive (or whatever equivalent skill depending on edition) check.

TrT8r
2017-05-01, 06:38 PM
5e, and he rolled intimidate for jumping out of the tree, not for the quarter staff. And, I think the DM was trying to teach them a lesson about how your actions come off to an NPC. But then again, I wasn't the DM.

Hagashager
2017-05-01, 11:23 PM
Like an idiot I completely missed this thread. I dun-goofed.


My absolute favorite story was in a Black Crusade campaign I was in at the end of college.

Context:
I am playing Mazirian The Magician: unbound Psyker who is Tseench aligned. In our party is a Noise-Marine aligned to Slaneesh. A Tseenchian cultist, a Khornate soldier and Nurgle Plague Marine. We are on a space-hulk that was, until recently, a haven for undivided chaos. We are sent into find out why it is starting to fracture into different factions aligned with each God.

The party has encountered a locked door.

Now, the practical thing to do here is to have the Tseenchian cultist use some rogue skills to pick the lock. BUT NO, MAZIRIAN THE MAGICIAN IS TOO GREAT TO BE LAID-LOW BY SUCH PETTY BARRIERS. THIS IS A JOB BEST SUITED TO A GREAT AND POWERFUL SORCERER KING!

I *push* Kinetic manipulation. In Black Crusade any Psyker worth his salt pushes everything, if you're not pushing all the time ,you're doing it wrong, period.

I roll on the psychic phenomenon table, I get a 78, which means I have to roll on the Perils of the Warp. I role a 92.
In an attempt to open a door with my mind I just opened a portal to Hell. It gets worse however, apparently we had been stalked by a Grey-Knight. When I opened a portal what steps through is a Bloodthirster...who is then sliced in half by a Grey Knight.

"WHO AMONG YOU IS MAZIRIAN THE MAGICIAN!?"

*everyone points to me*

"SUFFER NOT THE WITCH TO LIVE!" The Knight charges at me.
I immediately push doom-bolt. I roll on Phenomena, and get an 80, go figure. I roll on Perils and get the option to roll twice. I roll the option to be rendered mute, and a 95. 95, as it turns out, is a consciousness transfer. GM rolls his dice, and I switch places with the Tseenchian Cultist. As you can imagine, that player is not a happy camper. Thankfully though, he's able to use my psychic powers now.
except he can't, because my body's vocal cords are muted. The Grey Knight charges at my body, throws him across the room and knocks him out. The Knight then turns to me. He charges at the cultist.

The Cultist was not having a good night.
The Grey Knight cleaves me in half. The consciousness transfer ends immediately. The cultists dies and I get off with a couple broken ribs and a concussion.

That was, without question, the absolute funniest thing that has every happened in a game, ever. Even the player who was the Cultist couldn't help but laugh. It was so ridiculous that it's become a major story now, and we totally love it.

So what's your best story. I'll post more later.

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TrT8r
2017-05-02, 07:10 AM
I am playing Mazirian The Magician: unbound Psyker who is Tseench aligned. In our party is a Noise-Marine aligned to Slaneesh. A Tseenchian cultist, a Khornate soldier and Nurgle Plague Marine. We are on a space-hulk that was, until recently, a haven for undivided chaos. We are sent into find out why it is starting to fracture into different factions aligned with each God.

The party has encountered a locked door.

Now, the practical thing to do here is to have the Tseenchian cultist use some rogue skills to pick the lock. BUT NO, MAZIRIAN THE MAGICIAN IS TOO GREAT TO BE LAID-LOW BY SUCH PETTY BARRIERS. THIS IS A JOB BEST SUITED TO A GREAT AND POWERFUL SORCERER KING!

I *push* Kinetic manipulation. In Black Crusade any Psyker worth his salt pushes everything, if you're not pushing all the time ,you're doing it wrong, period.

I roll on the psychic phenomenon table, I get a 78, which means I have to roll on the Perils of the Warp. I role a 92.
In an attempt to open a door with my mind I just opened a portal to Hell. It gets worse however, apparently we had been stalked by a Grey-Knight. When I opened a portal what steps through is a Bloodthirster...who is then sliced in half by a Grey Knight.

"WHO AMONG YOU IS MAZIRIAN THE MAGICIAN!?"

*everyone points to me*

"SUFFER NOT THE WITCH TO LIVE!" The Knight charges at me.
I immediately push doom-bolt. I roll on Phenomena, and get an 80, go figure. I roll on Perils and get the option to roll twice. I roll the option to be rendered mute, and a 95. 95, as it turns out, is a consciousness transfer. GM rolls his dice, and I switch places with the Tseenchian Cultist. As you can imagine, that player is not a happy camper. Thankfully though, he's able to use my psychic powers now.
except he can't, because my body's vocal cords are muted. The Grey Knight charges at my body, throws him across the room and knocks him out. The Knight then turns to me. He charges at the cultist.

The Cultist was not having a good night.
The Grey Knight cleaves me in half. The consciousness transfer ends immediately. The cultists dies and I get off with a couple broken ribs and a concussion.

That was, without question, the absolute funniest thing that has every happened in a game, ever. Even the player who was the Cultist couldn't help but laugh. It was so ridiculous that it's become a major story now, and we totally love it.

** *

That is karma at her worst.

Hagashager
2017-05-02, 08:39 AM
That is karma at her worst.

Ah, it wasn't that bad. Thr cultist revived himself with Infamy.

Mazirian got his come-uppance two sessions later, in exactly the way he'd've deserved: hoist by his own petards.

We encountered a bloodletter, an extremely dangerous Khornate High Demon. Everyone but Mazirian failed their fear checks. With NO ONE to back me up, I do the most sensible thing- taunt the demon.

MAZIRIAN THE MAGICIAN COMMANDS YOU TO SUBMIT! I AM THE LORD OF ARCANA AND RULER OF THE UNDERWORLD!
Psykers have a small chance of taking any demon under control.
that went about as well as you might imagine.

Beastrolami
2017-05-02, 04:11 PM
I was playing in a goofy one-shot campaign. I don't remember the other characters, but I was bored, and wanted to play Dwarf Fortress (http://www.bay12games.com/dwarves/), so I built an elf based on Dwarf Fortress Elves. (http://dwarffortresswiki.org/index.php/DF2014:Elf) Long story short, they are dedicated to the ruthless protection of nature. Meaning they LOVE trees. They hate anyone who harms trees.... they also use wood for evertying. (supposedly they grow all their equpment). They are also very peaceful, befriending wild animals, and generally not killing anything (unless it hurts trees), but if they do kill something, they believe you should use every part of the animal, so they eat their slain foes. (Yep, cannibalistic hippy elves).

Anyways, the first encounter we had was against a bunch of rats. We were level 1 and the DM threw at least 20 CR1/8 rats at us. This was 5e, so bounded accuracy meant we were dead meat. The party was new to 5e and immediately prepared to murder a horde of rats. The fight wasn't going so well. (I stood on the outside because rats are wild animals, and they shouldn't be attacked). So, as the party members started falling, I reasoned that these rats were natural creatures, pursuing their natural instincts, and as an elf, I should let nature take its course.

The party died, and then rolled up new characters. They were pretty pissed that I abandoned them in the middle of a fight (for good reason), and the DM decided to have their new characters run into me, as I was walking down the road after escaping the rats. The new characters were a halfling rogue, and some kind of barbarian. As soon as they see me, the halfling looks up the barbarian, "throw me!". barbarian picks up halfling and rolls to throw him at my character.

Roll... Nat 1.
DM: You missed, roll acrobatics to see how you land.
roll.... nat 1.
DM: You land short of the elf, faceplant, and skid up to his feet.

Now, a bit of background, there are only 5 races in Dwarf Fortress Human, Dwarf, Goblin, Elf, and Kobold. So I look down at this halfling, and ask, "What manner of creature are you?"
He looks up at me, spits out a chunk of dirt and broken teeth, and says, "I'm a flying F###ing Halfling."
Because I had never seen nor heard of such a creature I believed he was an endangered species, and vowed to protect him until I could find more of his kind.

Later in the campaign, anytime I met a halfing, I had to ask if they were the rare flying halfling, or the normal variety. I never found another flying halfling, and had to watch his back the remainder of the campaign.

Duncadile
2017-05-04, 09:17 AM
Hi everyone! I had such a fun reading your stories, decided to share mine:

The party consisted of a mostly light hearted, all dwarven group:

Sorcerer: He lived his entire life in the mines, and only tought about adventuring when he could only walk with a cane. Figures. He loved his collection of statues he made himself, wich we almost always broke when we dragged him along for adventures.
Fighter: Pretty decent guy, twin brother of our cleric. Always, almost always wants to do the right thing for a fair price
Cleric: She was more of a craftsman, and with her brother she made horrible amounts of money from making jewelry
Bard (me): The local alcoholic who dosen't even remember where he learned to play on his flute. Loves teleporting via alcohol (drinking in one city and waking up in another weeks later). He also knows the Sorcerer who is gravely afraid of him for getting him hellishly drunk once.


The story went went pretty straight. We were chasing orc raiders, and their leader, some kind of warlock fled to the nearest city. We decided to split up, but didn't had much distance from each other, since the DM rolled something that made the BBEG think it's fine to start force choking children in the middle of the town square. The cleric and the sorcerer tried to disrupt him, failing miserably with their rolls. Seeing it a bit out of my league, the following actions happened:

me: I want to summon a Bison.
DM: Where?
me: Where can I?
DM: Anywhere in a set bubble around you.
me: *quick calculating*-I want it to materialize 4 meters above his head.
*table fell silent*
DM, after a bit of calculating for himself: I wont even roll damage for that.

So, guess what has became my bard's new favourite hobby since then. The DM had to take us underwater to stop me dropping animals on bad guys's heads. He also got the DnD equivalent of PETA after me.

Inevitability
2017-05-04, 10:03 AM
So, guess what has became my bard's new favourite hobby since then. The DM had to take us underwater to stop me dropping animals on bad guys's heads. He also got the DnD equivalent of PETA after me.

What edition? In most editions summoned creatures have to be conjured on a surface that supports them.

Hagashager
2017-05-04, 11:00 AM
Another very funny story took place within my current group a few months back, it taught me a very valuable lesson on mundane barriers.

We are plying AD&D 2e, which has a mechanic for people with a high enough strength to attempt to open any physical barrier via their strength. The percentage is very low, even with high strength (3%) but the option is there.

The party is in a tomb. They encounter a sealed gateway. Beside that gateway is a talking skull.

"Fools, in order to pass you must first solve my riddle!"
Player: "fine, fiend, we'll play your game."
Other Player: "Is this gateway magical?"
Me: "uh, no, it's mechanical, the skull controls the mechanism, you have to solve his riddle."
"Now then! if you wish to pass, describe to me a creature that jum-" *sounds of dice rolling on the table*
Other Player: "Hey Guys I opened the gate."
Me: "Wait what?"
Other Player: "I rolled a 2 to open the gate, you said it was mechanical, I have a strength of 18, I have to roll below 3 on a D100, I got a 2, I bash the gate open."
Me:*looking at the D100 on the Table prominently showing a 2* "but, my puzzle?"
Other Player: "I flip off the skull."
Me: *pinching the bridge of my nose* "The skull looks at the warrior dejectedly, his impotence becoming more apparently, 'You guys are jerks' he says pathetically. He recedes back into the wall."

I learned then that every barrier from then on would be magical.

Lord Torath
2017-05-04, 11:20 AM
Or, you could require the player to state what they're rolling for before he rolls his dice and reports the result. Also, remember that Bend Bars/Lift Gates rolls still require reasonable interpretation. Even if you roll a 01, you still can't lift a solid gate made of ten cubic feet of steel (10 ft by 6 ft by 2 inches = 5,000 lbs). Also, Str 18 has a 16% chance to Bend Bars/Lift gates, not 3%. But that's really beside the point.

ComaVision
2017-05-04, 11:25 AM
It's also fine to let the players do cool unexpected stuff sometimes, instead of making sure they never can.

Hagashager
2017-05-04, 11:34 AM
It's also fine to let the players do cool unexpected stuff sometimes, instead of making sure they never can.

^ This

I'm not a prude about these kinds of things. I appreciate sticking to the rules and not butchering them, but I'm not a rules lawyer. He saw an opportunity and took it. It was funny, the whole group had a laugh, and it *was* a solution so I gave it to him.

I'd rather have memorable stories than hardline rules adherence and people feeling like I'm uptight about a game.

I should also clarify, it was not a metal gate, it was more like a stone wall with slats. He smashed through it.

Lord Torath
2017-05-04, 11:48 AM
^ This

I'm not a prude about these kinds of things. I appreciate sticking to the rules and not butchering them, but I'm not a rules lawyer. He saw an opportunity and took it. It was funny, the whole group had a laugh, and it *was* a solution so I gave it to him.

I'd rather have memorable stories than hardline rules adherence and people feeling like I'm uptight about a game.

I should also clarify, it was not a metal gate, it was more like a stone wall with slats. He smashed through it.NO! You must play my way! It is the superior way to play!* :smallwink:

Just pointing out some possible alternatives. But as long as everyone is having fun, you're good to go!

Guizonde
2017-05-04, 04:55 PM
It's also fine to let the players do cool unexpected stuff sometimes, instead of making sure they never can.

due to precedents, our "locksmith's tools" include a crowbar for that very reason. it's impressive what kind of uses you can improvise for it.

Duncadile
2017-05-05, 02:41 AM
What edition? In most editions summoned creatures have to be conjured on a surface that supports them.

5. edition if I do remember correctly. We don't follow all the rules to word tho. DM's call how serious he wants to take it.

TrT8r
2017-05-07, 12:00 PM
I have a good one.
I think.

Raggenayl the ranger (me)
Eygon the dwarven cleric
Paladin 1
Paladin 2

So, we had just defeated some goblins and some wargs. There was another room with what we suspected was the BBEG inside. There are two entrances, so we split our party in half to go in both sides.
We fail our stealth rolls, and we start fighting 3 goblins and a bug bear. Turn one, everyone misses their attack except for 2 goblins. Turn two, paladin 2 starts fighting one of the archers. He misses, hits some stalagmites. The bugbear knocks down paladin 1 like its nothing... and is then holy fired in the back. The goblins all miss again. Turn 3, bugbear misses me, and paladin 2 hits the stalagmites again. Turn four, the bugbear is turned into ash. Paladin 1 is critically hit, causing 2 failed death saves. Paladin one makes bare minimum to survive, and only by using his inspiration die. Paladin two hits the stalagmites again, the other goblins miss, except for me, I was hit. Turn 4, the cleric decides to run over and heal the paladin that is down,
Provoking a AoO from the goblin, who crit fails AGAIN,
Killing himself in the process. Paladin 2 finally hits... the stalagmites. I finally hit, decapitating a goblin. Final turn, I snipe the stalagmite-goblin. The DM remarked that it was a dance of incompetence.

I thought that that was funny. I will be DMing later today, or this week, so see how that goes.

Lasre
2017-05-07, 07:35 PM
This happened today.
Homebrew 4e D&D.
LVL 1 Party:
Female Wildling Sorcerer-Me! (Gender-Opposite)
Male Tanky Fighter-We'll call his player Tank
Male Bard-We'll call him Jester
Female Dual-Wield Ranger- We'll call her C.
Male Rogue- Not Important, W

Session continues off last session. I don't care, secretly want juicy fights. (Both IC and OOC). C and W are busy fighting their way into a prison for information. C and W win the fight, slightly hurt, and continue on. Fast-forwarding all the plot hooks, and we come to the point where we start chasing a scruffy-looking individual down a hallway into a room full of barrels. At this time, Tank starts kicking over all the barrels in the room, looking for "stowaways". Surprise surprise, all the barrels are full of ale, wine, and beer. I pick up a wine barrel.

Yada yada yada, plot hook, plot hook, befriending a guard, yada yada yada, random book, and now we get to the main enemy of the dungeon. We beat him, I take the most damage (15 total), and then we come to a locked door. Being the lazy players that we are, we try to break it down. Cue horrible rolls of 10, 10, and 1. I take a look at my powers. One of them is "Nature's Call":
Target: One or two allies
Effect: You pull each target 3 squares.
I ask DM if it works through walls. He says yes, but I can't pull through the wall. I ask who has the highest AC in the group. Tank says he has the highest. I run so that Tank is on the other side of the door (Give or Take). I use said power and tank promptly is turned into a tank shell. He rebounds off the door and lands on the ground. Door has swung open at this point. Victory!

TubbsIITM
2017-05-16, 01:03 PM
I'm surprised this thread isn't closed, but I feel the need to post this..

So I'm in this group called west marches and we play 5e. Well currently there are these totems that are empowering goblins and on our way to retrieve an object unrelated to the totem we find a bunch of mounds on the ground, our drunk monk walks up to one and sees a war axe poorly buried in the ground, he just kicks dirt over it and says "if yer gunna bury somthin, do it right", simultaneously my half elf female druid (I am a guy irl) ride on my newly bought horse up to one and inspect it, suddenly a troll hops up from mine directly in front of it causing a mix of goblins, hob goblins and a hobgoblin captain to jump out of the others surrounding us. The other players start picking off the smaller enemies and thankfully my turn was just before the trolls. I exclaim "I misty step away" and every one else cries out that I left my horse for the troll. He subsequently smashes my horse to past, but with the rest of my turn I wild shape into a black bear and charge at one of the goblins attempting to intimidate him, it worked just well enough to make him miss and we quickly pick off the rest of the small enemies, surround the troll and just pick him to pieces before the captain runs off, the entire time we are battling we notice the goblins are stronger and have glowing eyes. When we finish I roll insight to see if he ran towards the totem and convince my team (after about ten minutes of arguing and our cleric having a premonition of us going is a bad idea, the drunk monk from before flips a coin and starts walking in the direction of the totem while flipping us off. We arrive at the totem camp and see that the entire thing is poorly built with stakes surrounding it and similar mounds from the ambush before. With the totem tower on an altar/stage with two buildings on either side of it. The drunk monk, the rogue of our group and my druid all stealthily sneak around to get a better glimpse of what's inside, I, in the form of a rat sneak along the buildings. The dm suggests we should tell the group what we see (the captain from before standing before a long line of chained humans leading up to the stage, cutting their throats and spilling their blood into a large swirling pool under the totem. I sprint across the camp underneath the stakes to tell them, a goblin hungrily emerges from one of the mounds and tries to catch me, failing horribly and continues to search for me, meanwhile the drunk monk barges into the camp pretending to be a member of a group of slavers we saw leaving the camp on the way over. Sadly the captain recognizes him and he sprints away releasing the slaves on his way away. His boisterous yelling caused our group to charge the camp and my tiny rat is facing a line of six characters running in my direction. I turn and change back so I am running in front of them and we easily leap over the wall of spikes. Suddenly a young green Dragon bursts out from under one of the buildings and we are faced with him and the captain, who killed off the rest of his men to try and appease the dragon with sacrifices. The captain drinks from the pool of blood and becomes highly powered up. The rest of my team is trying to face the dragon (that recharged his acid breath twice in a row) and are getting badly hurt while I sneak around the building to check out the altar and see if there is anything I can do to take down the totem while we are facing this dragon, when I get there I think that I should instead drink from the pool and become powered up myself. Instead it results in my insides beginning to dissolve. So I stick my fingers down my throat to vomit it up and we all continue to face the dragon. We all but die with two characters still conscious when one of our characters saves himself from the throes of death just enough to heal the cleric so that she can cast mass healing on our group of unconscious adventurers. Then it becomes my turn again and I just roll an attack roll without explaining my plan. I sit there with my hand on the red solo cup I was using as a dice cup and feel like the the weight of the world is on my shoulders. After someone exclaims to just lift the cup already, I lift it to see a nat 20. We all hoot and holler in excitement and I yell out "ICE KNIFE, LEVEL THREE SPELL SLOT, LETS GO!" sadly after the damage we cause already, only 23 of the 57 damage I caused were needed, but we finally kill the dragon, and feel triumphant for the rest of the night.

Sorry its such a long post, but this story still makes me laugh.

rebelpyroflame
2017-05-16, 01:34 PM
Hello again, welcome to the next part of our continuing adventures.

The cast



Jaune (me) – ninja and professional survivor
Ocelot – gunslinger without a gun
Le macho – druid and the world’s greatest armature wrestler
Dictionary – silent but planning lore oracle
Trash panda – summoner sorcerer and worlds worst babysitter




The extras



Jose’ – half orc lieutenant who likes to use giant growth and alter-self spells to intimidate/fit in
Jess – barbarian/martial artist and master crazy girl, think Harley Quinn
Rose – half elf green cleric girl who really rocks charm spells, think poison ivy
Isis – rouge with a whip, think cat woman
Mr Quinn – head of the mafia we haven’t met yet, think possibly penguin (never seen him yet so just guesswork as of yet)



So, last time we just robbed a library and made our way back to the mafia bar. On the way, we notice people are panicky and the city seems busy while the bar is virtually empty aside from the local drunks

The reunion



So we go into the bar and see Jess. She tells us about how the boss seems really mad about something, and is being yelled at by Mr Quinn, so we’ll have to wait for him. Trash panda at this point finally makes it back to us, holding the soup that he got from the medical tent. Ocelot immediately panics and wastes one of his only shots left trying to shoot him. He misses but this is enough to get Jose’ to come down. Seeing trash panda, he immediately lays into him about what the hell he thinks he’s doing blowing up the library, and is completely nonplussed when he finds out he escaped the police by walking out the front door (apparently it is really common that no-one thinks to stop people doing this according to trash panda)

He is pretty ticked with us thought and starts explaining that thanks to this the guard are panicking and are thinking of calling in the city guard to declare martial law. This is until he finds out we succeeded in stealing the plans, and a crud ton of restricted section books.

We then decide to discuss what we have available for the heist now that we can plan it better. He explains that aside from Jess, Rose and Isis we are the most competent guys that work for him. He also explains that thanks to the two massive explosions, all gunpowder in the city HAS NOW BEEN OUTLAWED:smalleek:. All gunpowder has been ceased and it is illegal to make or sell it until further notice. This is especially bad since Ocelot used up all but two shots of his powder to enable us to escape.

He is also terrified by trash panda’s insistence he needs white bedsheets (worried that he has hired a second unstable psychopath alongside Jess). We also find out that the guard I bribed has quit and retired, and I comment I should buy him a drink when he explains about his girl just having left him (see last post)

We find out that the only places with black powder are the police station (he also does not appreciate my contribution of asking if he wants us to knock over the police station as I have a set of keys (He also wants to know where I got them from later)) the local guild and the warehouses they’ve set up to mass store it.

So we all decide to get some sleep and try and steal some powder tomorrow.



The wakeup call



We all go to bed. Trash panda stays up and starts making copies of the plans, I swap with him to keep watch the rest of the night.

Early morning we wake up to Jess smashing open the door and telling us to hide. She reveals a trapdoor under the rug and we hide in a far too small a space for that many people while Jose’ and four guards come in and start combing the room. It is at this point we realise no-one took there stuff down with them, and there are THREE SETS OF PLANS FOR THE CITY BANK VAULT, AND A HANDY HAVERSACK FULL OF STOLEN BOOKS UP THERE:smalleek:. We have no choice but to rush the guards, knocking three out and the fourth surrenders. Jose’ can’t understand why we did that until we explain as we tidy the room, tie up and gag the guards and hide them along with myself, trash panda and jess and all our gear in the trapdoor. When the rest of the guards turn up, Ocelot somehow convinces them that the guards never came in, and they eventually leave.

We open the trap door and Jess literally starts tossing them out while we discuss what to do with them. Several plans are thrown out (including our offer to dispose of them and the bodies, which causes our GM to facepalm at our mostly good group agreeing to do this) and we decide to just strip them and leave them to the girls to interregate.



We split the party (why did we split the party)



Ocelot and I go off to scope out the barn, then come back at night with the others. We can’t see much, but two heavy armed guards patrol once around it, swap with two inside, on constant repeat.

We ultimately decide the best option is just to have me and Ocelot disguise ourselves with the guard uniforms, have trash panda use invisibility on us, sneak in and hide in a corner while le macho sneaks in as a rat, then when she steals some barrels in a bag of holding, change back and we all leave. As the others have no stealth or combat skills, they should hang far away just in case. This will turn out to be a terrible idea

We send le macho, who has turned into a rat, inside then use tongues to get intel from her rat form. There is a bench where the two other guards sit, a wizard behind him, two more guards patrolling the small walkway that is the second floor along with a second wizard. As she leaves to tell us, the two patrolling guards decide to shoot the large rat, and are surprised at how resilient it is.

Just as Ocelot and I get to the door the DM has us role a reflex. It turns out there is some kind of spell field on the door. As a ninja, I don’t have trap-finding so I can’t deal with magic traps, and le macho has read magic instead of detect magic and NO RANKS IN SPELLCRAFT for some reason.:smallfurious:

Everyone else in the group at this point is convinced that it is an instant kill spell that can only be walked through with a crystal the guards keep swapping. Ocelot wants to try and pick pocket it with me, but I decide that rummaging around two heavily armed guards hoping they don't notice me and yell bringing a battalion of armed city guards, especially if I don't know what pocket it is even in.

We run back and eventually come up with a plan to have trash panda re apply the invisibility, and have dictionary levitate us to the first story window. We three (Jaune, Ocelot and le macho the rat) get in but the DM makes it clear, our Invisibility is running out, we only have a few rounds. So, Ocelot lines up a shot with a borrowed heavy crossbow on the first wizard, I jump down and prepare to shank the second wizard (both of us deciding we can’t stealth it in such a small area and we might as well take out the tricky yet guys first. Also, I thought that the spell negation stuff the DM has been using will be done by them)



Things go bad



Ocelot shoots, but messes up the shot hitting him in the shoulder instead. I successfully kill my wizard in one surprise round, but everyone now is looking at us. One guard shoots me for 11 damage and since I forgot to ask for healing before, I decide to turn invisible and move to a better position. The second wizard runs from Ocelot and attempts suggestion while jumping a small wall, but fails both while the guard on that side breaks his crossbow and draws his sword. Le macho changes back and decides to use a call lightning spell IN A BARN LINED WITH BARRELS OF GUNPOWDER.:smalleek: The DM rolls a D100 every time she uses the spell, on a 95-100 stray powder on the floor will ignite and kill us all. Ocelot drops his crossbow, forgetting when he chose to use it that it takes a full round action to reload, and uses his last shot on the guard WHILE STANDING ON A BARREL OF GUNPOWDER so DM rolls for him. D100 succeeds but he rolls a 1, wasting his last bullet.

The big problem came when one of the guards smashes a crystal on the table, activating the spell negation effect. Although the call lightning still works, my invisibility instantly dissipates and I am left exposed. I realise that I can’t fight in the armour I am using to pretend to be a guard and without shadow clones they will rip me to shreds. The only help I have is the two outside, who decide they don’t want to get involved as they suck in combat anyway, le macho on the floor above me, and Ocelot on the floor above me with no ranged weapon and only a dagger pistol to melee with. What’s more the rest of the guards will be coming soon from the farmhouse and I have very little health left after two days of heists without remembering to ask for healing. Trash panda does come to try and help, sending an earth elemental to assist, but as the two who were patrolling come in to flank me, I shout out that it’s a bust and run as fast as I can past them and out the door, hoping the others find a way out as there was nothing I could do. Things look bad. Things are so bad, the DM has his head in both hands, thinking we’ve managed to TPW ourselves, and he doesn’t know how to fix it.



The Turn around



From the very start, trash panda has been having issues. Our first scenario turned into a major length battle and he had to stick to healing with a wand of cure light wounds until the last battle. Even then, his summons has a hard time hitting most things, and he often comes up with questionable plans. Combined with the incredible bad luck and magic ability to get into bad situations has lead him to become the most wanted criminal in the city without a single offensive spell. We even had to dissuade him from a plan involving floating a while bedsheet with mage hand while invisible, then summoning a fire elemental inside the cloth as a distraction in this heist (as bedsheet ghosts do nothing in a setting with real ghosts) and sending a fire elemental inside the building with gunpowder. So, when he announces he has a plan to save us, we all think he’s full of crud.

Trash panda casts silent image on the side of the building and through the window next to le macho of a huge fire. He then charges into the building screaming “I’ve set the barn on fire, I’m going to blow you all up just like AT THE LIBRARY”. Since it was Ocelot who made that particular explosion, le macho and Ocelot realise the ruse, but the rest of the guard don’t. The guards who were charging to support stop, and tell the one guy who tries to convince them it’s fake that he can go first. Only a single guard and the surviving wizard realise the deception, and they all flee as fast as they can. Ocelot goes after the wizard; the earth elemental takes on the last guard and le macho steals as many powder kegs as that bag of holding will take. The wizard jumps over the guard rail, lands in a heap and flees to the back of the barn, Ocelot pursuing. He opens a door way with a spell and runs. Just as Ocelot is shouting to le macho there is another way out now, he starts preparing a spell.



Fireworks



Ocelot realise what’s happening and shouts a warning to le macho as he runs for all he’s worth out the front door. After successfully stealing nine barrels of black powder, le macho jumps down and runs, shouting at the other guards that their wizard is about to blow the place up, they need to run. They just make it to the edge of the blast radius when the spell completes, and most of the gunpowder from the city goes up. And that last guard, despite being abandoned, despite his sword breaking on the elemental and despite the warnings of his attackers, never abandons his post and is obliterated instantly. Most of the other guards were just in range and they suffered for it, many losing limbs or taking huge damage. Trash panda and Dictionary are still running when they hear a ginormous explosion dictionary status spell goes off, and she turns back to help.



As for Ocelot and le macho. Ocelot was further away so he took less damage, while le macho manages to hang on with just 2 health left. Both are knocked fairly senseless until dictionary and trash panda turn up, and they get healed while they run back to base. As for me, I never stopped running from before. Some (particularly Ocelots player) say it was cowardice but there is a reason my back-story involves surviving so many team wipes.



Afterwards our DM told us why he had us rolling wisdom rolls at various points. Firstly, the spell on the door was an alarm spell, and Ocelot and I nearly triggered it and brought down the entirety of the city guard on us. Secondly, while we were being lifted to the second floor, no-one thought to have dictionary cast detect magic.

So that’s our latest session, I’d stop posting them but they must be seen to be believed every darn time. Next session will be a bit longer than the others, hopefully on the 4th June, so if it is anything like this one (we plan on finally planning and robbing the vault) I’ll post it.

TrT8r
2017-05-17, 09:07 PM
I got some more. heck, I'm full of them. Just a few for now.

I just joined a new group, which was me and two 11 year olds, who were twins. Me- a LG halfling sorcerer.
Warlock- Dragonborn Warnock who's name i cannot remember.
Barbarian-Tiefling barbarian. So we got to a town called nightstone and while the DM is describing our backstory, our Warlock keeps asking over and over if he can commit genocide. The DM just sighs and says no every time. Anyways, we arrived at the town and the first thing the warlock tries to do is break into a house, which fortunately was the inn, and not a house. So we are looking around (no people there) and we hear a thud from upstairs. I immediately run upstairs to look for the source, while the Warlock breaks into a room. I hear another thud, and we find the room it is coming from. Warlock kicks open the door. I apologize to the door and cast mending on it. We see a big stone has crashed through the roof. I dare the Warlock to lick it, which he does. He then tries to use the stone to climb up to the roof. He crit fails and the stone falls through the floor. We then do some snooping around. I find the owners valuables, and then loudly say that I should put that back. The barbarian just walks over and takesks the now exposed valuables. Anyways, we eventually go to the kitchen and find a goblin shoving food into a bag. The Warlock tries to whack it, but crit fails and sends a door handle flying at his face. The goblin tries to escape, but I color spray it and it walks into a wall. The barbarian pins the goblin, while I yell 'OH NO!!!' Loudly. I run over to the door handle and mend it. I say its all better now and apologize to the door. Meanwhile, the barbarian doesn't know what to do with the struggling goblin, so she just shoves her in her own bag and moves on like nothing happened.
We thought it was hilarious, especially because we forgot about the goblin the rest of our session, and only near the end did we release her.
Other highlights include the Warlock stealing a temples poor box and the Warlock trying (emphasis on trying) to save a falling goblin, and me then cremating that same goblin.

GuesssWho
2017-05-20, 06:07 AM
So we were doing a stealth mission in Shadowrun. Unfortunately, one of the players is about 12 and wants to bash in the door and just shoot everyone. We explain that we are trying to be stealthy. He says we can kill anyone that notices we're there. I explain that any plan where you lose your hat is a bad plan (http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/comic.php?date=20031017#.WSAin9IrKM8).

Eventually we gave up and used him as the distraction, whereupon he suicide-bombed the place and was shot in half by a tank.

dehro
2017-05-20, 08:28 AM
We're epic level characters, between 22nd and 24th level.
We're traveling across the planes to recruit allies in our war in defence of..well.. everything, against the Githyanki. Time is short and we have much to do.
We're heading towards the mountain of Clangeddin to forge an alliance with the eponymous god.
Looking for directions, in exchange for them, we get roped by one John into delivering a sack of flour to a certain Bob.
Then we spend the next hour bickering on how to accomplish that mission because the paladin who did the talking forgot to ask how to identify Bob, the name of the village where we'd find him or indeed any useful bit of information to accomplish this simplest of task, and we don't want to antagonize the locals by using powerful magic to do just that.
Cue half of us angrily walking into the nearest village shouting "Bob" to everybody and being confronted by dumbfounded peasants, half of us trying to locate the proper village, and one of us teleporting back to John in order to ask further details.
Once we get there, we are somehow forced to continue this mission by delivering a few loaves of bread to someone a few villages over...
We do just that (after having asked for proper directions, this time).
since however we've used magic to shorten our travel, the bread has gotten there 2 days early. I decide to purify the bread in order to keep it from going bad in those 2 days (Because otherwise the innkeep would cause trouble to "Bob" and this would somehow be our fault)...
Apparently this was not the right thing to do, because now the bread is altered (we're on an extremely lawful plane and .. well.. I don't know the logic either)
We ended up having to buy a crap-ton of bread (in exchange for our trail rations, because coin is not used here...) to solve the situation.
laughs were had..frustration was over 9000.

and that's the story of how we effectively wasted 2 days trudging around doing chores for peasants, rather than trying to save the multiverse.

Crownrock
2017-05-20, 08:58 PM
Recent 5e campaign, new DM. My wife is a rogue, I'm a bard, and the rest of the party consists of a monk, a fighter, and a barbarian.
We start out in the cliche tavern, enjoying a drink, when suddenly a man walks across the room and stabs another man in the back.

DM: You see the other man fall to the ground dead. What do you do?
Wife: I draw my dagger and start digging dirt out from under my nails.
Barbarian: I had my back turned. Didn't see a thing.
Monk: I'm taking a nap on the bar.
Fighter: I look to the bard to follow his lead.
Me: I didn't see a thing.
DM: You had a clear view, you saw the entire scene.
Me: Right, I know that, but in character I'm telling you, I didn't see a thing.
Fighter: I go back to my drink and mind my own business then.
DM: Okay, so it's up to the rogue and the bard, but neither one of you want to do anything about the murder you just saw?
Wife: I'm chaotic neutral, it's none of my business.
Me: I'm CN too, and I just said that I didn't see it.
DM: Well... I guess the murderer walks out the front door, and no one hassles him. He continues to live a life of crime until one day when he happens upon a magical artifact that gives him untold power. He proceeded to destroy the world as we know it, just because the heroes are too apathetic to do anything about the crime they just witnessed. You have completed the campaign. Congrats guys.
Wife: Umm... Can I still loot the corpse?

Crownrock
2017-05-20, 09:21 PM
So we were doing a stealth mission in Shadowrun. Unfortunately, one of the players is about 12 and wants to bash in the door and just shoot everyone. We explain that we are trying to be stealthy. He says we can kill anyone that notices we're there. I explain that any plan where you lose your hat is a bad plan.

Eventually we gave up and used him as the distraction, whereupon he suicide-bombed the place and was shot in half by a tank.

I know the frustration of playing with younger kids all too well. I regularly play 5e with my 7 and 9 year old daughters. Not ashamed to admit that I've used them as decoys on multiple occasions.

TrT8r
2017-05-21, 02:23 PM
Barbarians are made of lulz, I have found. So, I made Nadarr, the white Dragonborn barbarian. Nadarr is a violent person with not that much knowledge about... anything. Some quotes from Nadarr.
Me: Nadarr really hates this women, so he gets up and...
DM: She left already.
Me: Crud... I punch the closest wall.
DM:...
Me: (crit fails, almost dies, breaks fist)
Another incident.
DM: He is eyeing you suspiciously through the door.
Me: I punch the door shut. (Fails, hurts himself)
One more time.
DM: You are surrounded and attacked by twig blights.
Bard: (kills one)
Monk: (kills three)
Me: NADARR HATES KILL STEALS!!! (Decimates remaining blights and smashes their remains)
Now he hate doors and wants gauntlets to punch them with.

Dappershire
2017-05-22, 05:34 AM
He also got the DnD equivalent of PETA after me.

Yeah, I would not want to mess with the Druids of the that circle.



I know the frustration of playing with younger kids all too well. I regularly play 5e with my 7 and 9 year old daughters. Not ashamed to admit that I've used them as decoys on multiple occasions.

Until you find that smart ass kid who just mater of facts their way through a campaign. Utilizes an idea no other player would have thought of, and easily bisects a session in half.




I'm not sure if I have any games that were more funny, than just fun. My friends who play with other groups tell me about them, but I never really see the humor in my own actions. But, if I had to come up with something, I'd probably harken back to my original character. A Kender. As most players here know, you have to be real careful to play a decent Kender without making everyone regret your choice. To avoid peaving off the other players, taking up too much time, and to make things easy on the DM, said DM and I came up with a deal: As far as the kleptomania goes, he would just roll to add random small items from the gear list of those around me, and write it on my gear list after the session.
The other characters would just ask to borrow something from me, and they could basically raid their stuff back at the beginning of each day. I never really went through my gear list, because I only used two or three items, and any extra daggers or food or whatever would likely be gone the next session anyways.
It was an Inquisition style session, someone in the nobility or priesthood was some evil bastard. Ritual Doom was upon us all. We had to find them, stop them, celebrate.
It was during a festive ball, where during a roll, the DM chuckled. I should have figured something was amiss (I'm wiser now; the DM laughing is always a sign) but I ignored it as we were trying to find any suspicious BBEG amongst the innocents. We had some truly epic rolls that night. Failed on diplomacy checks. Sense motive. Investigation type stuff. The whole party just had a bad night of dice, but we weren't in battle, so no biggy.
A few sessions later, and we're at the end of our ropes. Quite literally.
Whomever our enemy was, they knew we were after them. So they set us up for committing cult like murders. It was to be a hanging. We'd had opportunities to escape, or find the BBEG, but we'd failed them all, or made the worst possible choices. Literally our fault we were there.
Only, our Knight was still free. Unattached to our supposed crimes. And as the 'leader' of our group, he owned everything the courts stripped us of possession-wise. Being a little OCD, he was penciling everything in on his own sheet. Especially since the rest of us would be rolling up new characters soon. We didn't hold it against the player that he wasn't mounting a rescue, due to RP reasons. But it was literally as the DM was painting the scene of our deaths, that the Knight's player speaks up. He had just read through my gear list, and found an "Ornate Medallion and Folded Letter". I shrugged, because I never noticed it, and our DM goes 'oh yeah, forgot about that', rifles through some paperwork, and pulls out a letter he wrote over a month before.
Apparently, it was a device requisite for the evil ritual we were trying to stop. And the letter not only explained what it was, but who hired someone to get one. I had 'handled' it off the BBEG during the party. Our DM was a pretty honest guy, and he said he never meant for us to randomly get it (pickpocketing it from him after a successful sense motive that never occurred was more the reason he had it on the npc in the first place), so I had lucked into this big honking clue, and never even thought to look at it.
We lived, eventually won. And everyone had a good laugh at me, both IC and out. I think I was too frustrated with myself at the time, to laugh along.

tl;dr Has a Kender who's DM randomly put small items from the people around me onto my gear list. Received the biggest piece to a puzzle we couldnt solve, by pure luck of the dice. But never bothered to look at my gear list, as it was mostly junk anyways, and only did it for fluff. One month+ later, minutes from TPK by lawful execution, when the only surviving player (and inheritor of our stuff) sees the item on my gear list as he's claiming everything. DM admits to its importance, execution is stopped, and we finally know who the BBEG is after sessions of failed attempts at uncovering him or his plot.

TrT8r
2017-05-22, 06:07 AM
Until you find that smart ass kid who just mater of facts their way through a campaign. Utilizes an idea no other player would have thought of, and easily bisects a session in half.


That's me!
EX: We were in a dragon cult. We were trying to figure out what enemies to prepare for when I simply used primeval awareness and figured it out.:smallwink:

Crownrock
2017-05-23, 08:08 AM
Playing as Skye again. For those who haven't read my previous posts in this thread, he's a blind grimlock wizard5/warlock1. One of his character traits is that he REALLY hates being charmed, enthralled, compelled, or having his mind messed with in any way.

So with my wife as the DM, we were fighting this group of cultists, and we had just killed all but the leader. I had used alter self to gain natural weapons (clawed hands) and was charging after him to tear him to shreds, when he used the command spell on me, and when I failed the save he told me to protect him. The druid saw this happen, and had his conjured brown bear grapple me. The party then managed to tie the cultist up and remove his casting focus before it came back to my turn.

Me: Even though I'm restrained, can I manage to shocking grasp the bear?
DM: I'd say so. You just have to touch him, so I won't even make you roll attack, just roll damage.
*I roll high*
DM: The bear relaxes its grip on you as it spasms from the electrocution. I'll allow you to use a bonus action to try to escape from the grapple.
*another high roll*
DM: You still have movement.
Me: I rush to the cultist to help him to his feet. I'd like to dust off his clothes as I do. IC: "Oh, you poor thing, look what they've done to you!"
DM: The command spell wears off now.
Me: I'd like to use my staff to lightly tap him in the left testicle now. IC: "That's for controlling my mind."
DM: Wow. Okay. Being a woman, I don't have experience with this, but I've always been told that the light blows hurt worse than solid hits. Is this true?
*every male player at the table nods, wincing from memories of previous bag tags*
DM: *rolls a CON save* The cultist starts dry heaving.
Me IC: If you vomit on my shoes, I'll hit you there again.
DM: *rolls* He's clearly going to puke.
Me IC: Not right away, of course. I'll wait until you're not expecting it.
DM: *rolls* It lands right on your shoes.
Me IC: I did warn you.

Fast forward a bit, we still have the cultist tied up as we release his hostages. The druid uses a healing word on one of them.
Me IC: Hope you saved a spell slot.
Druid: Why?
Me: I hit the cultist in the left one again.
Sorcerer: Stop hitting him, or he won't be able to answer our questions!
Me: He can still answer, he'll just have to do it in a falsetto.

Fast forward to the interrogation. Mid conversation, DM simply forgets her character voice and talks normally.
Me: Sounds like you're feeling better. *THWACK!*
Druid: Stop! There's not going to be anything left!
Me: Nothing left, but there's still the right. *THWACK!*
Sorcerer: I'll just cast detect thoughts, so we can get this interrogation over with and we can put the guy out of his misery.
DM: Are you probing deep? He rolls a will save if you go past his surface thoughts.
Me: At disadvantage?
DM: Disadvantage? Why?
Me: *THWACK!*
DM: *sighing* Auto fail, you can read everything.

Florian
2017-05-23, 08:55 AM
Recently in a giant themed adventure (Subtitle: Why real-life physics and PF don´t mesh and you actually don´t want them to)

So, this has been a very chilled campaign so far, we progression from level 1 (orcs) to level 7 (hill giants) without a fuss, then came a conversation that brought everything to a stop, breaking immersion hard for a while.

What happened? A player took a look at the Bestiary entry, especially in weight of a giant and asked the following question:

"Say, it says here that these guys weight 3 tons each. I dunno, suddenly I feel their stats are off. Florian should adjust their stats to reflect this. What say you?"
Other Player: "Aye", "Yes", "Right"
Me: "Really?"
All Players: "Please!"

So, next combat comes up, it´s a bit like this:
Me: "Ok the giant hits you, you´re a smear on the ground and dead".
Player: "WHAAAAT?"
Player 2: "I run there and save him!"
Me: "You catch an AoO and now you´re a bloody smear on the wall to the right, dead"
Players: "WHAT!? Explain this!"

Me: "You guys wanted me to adjust the stats to be realistic about the 3 tons. You´ve just been hit by a angry SUV with murderous intentions....."

Hadeous_Rook
2017-05-23, 04:04 PM
Okay so Im a new Dm. My first ever campaign is based in a world where this man Eldar Bryna is in possession of a greatsword capable of killing Gods and then absorbing there powers. Alternate realities are opening all across the land the Space time continuum is so warped that its possible for Son Goku to appear randomly. (hasnt happened). We started off as a small 4 man party in the temple of Heironous in the city of valor. I play an Eldritch Half Giant Monk Named Hadeous Rook. we then have a Human Paladin Named Akara, A insane Halfling Cleric Named Tak and a Drow wizard named Theradil.


so far we have watched the city of valor fall from a single slash from the Greatsword and we spent 3 sessions running from foes far stronger then us. that is until we met Loki. yes the Norse God Loki. Hadeous was off meditating for this encounter for the sake of Balance (he can hit 150hp per punch). Loki wisks Akara, Tak and Theradil into a game board and they come face to face with clones of them self.

Initiatives were Akara, Tak and Theradil

Akara: these abominations must perish!
*charges the wizard and Cleric clones crit succeeds and kills the Cleric and nearly slays the wizard before disappearing from exsistance*
Tak somewhat confused cautiously slays the wizard and Disappears as well leaving our wizard with the Clone Akara (Ac at the time was 26).
Theradil: Um... I cast cone of fire?
*fails the hit*
Clone Akara's turn (one strike could kill our wizard)
*rolls to attack nat 1*
Knocks herself unconcious*
wizard kills the clone in 2 turns
the veil lifts and sees his comrades right were they disappeared

Shortly thereafter they come to a hall of pendulums
Akara goes to dodge first
*Nat20*
and dodges them with backflips
*goes to stick the landing*
*nat 1*
Just like her Clone Knocks herself out
Im sitting there shaking my head...
the rest make it through unscathed

The party makes it to the Boss who is around the corner (a weird Land Flounder)
<this was supposed to test their Fortitude in long battles>
Akara: I Peek around the corner
* rolls a Nat 1*
Stands there in front of this Flounder starring into its eyes
Flounder rolls to attack
*Nat freaking 1*
they proceed to have a starring contest and the flounder blinks first after 2 rounds and then dies
*rolls a nat 1 on will save*
all I can to do at this point is shake my head and Add lib as Loki
Loki: Huh...


as a gift for beating his dungeon he granted everyone a huge boost to their charisma and the cleric got a wand of infinite pies because he requested it
the stories get better I promise

JBPuffin
2017-05-24, 01:07 AM
I love how nonsensical these get...

Speaking of nonsense, I've played a few different games of DnD since my last posting here. My latest bard, a 5e "alehaus" (custom subrace) dwarf named Tsakwin has met Dwarvish-speaking chocobos, switched fighting styles five separate times, and led an exodus from a zombie-ridden outpost to a pirate bay hopefully less plagued. A pair of elves, along with two others (two players w/ two elves apiece), mostly psions, slew a troll in the name of ELFLAND!!! A quartet of half-elves (4 players, DM replaced by dice and group consensus) fought toads and owlbears, and it's this group I'll talk about.

The paladin is down on the ground unconscious; the rogue is on the ground prone but waiting to strike; our barbarian is raging up a storm; and our wild mage sorcerer decides that it's time to cast some spells. They randomly decide that, rather than cast magic missile, they'll cast invisibility on accident, so he blinks out of existence. He rolls on his wild surge and gets that he can see the invisible...so now he thinks he hasn't cast a spell at all. Previously he'd rolled the "extra spell as a bonus action" result, so he casts fire bolt and misses...and blinks back into sight to everyone. In other words - to the outside world, he disappeared and reappeared in less than six seconds, while to himself he simply stood there, looking spellcasterish but doing nothing. Seems legit, right?

Post-combat, after the rogue has just eviscerated them, Sorc decides to use up his last spell slots on Magic Missiles at the corpses. Between now and then, he's gained a third eye. He then turns blue, and after this first volley rises off the ground...and becomes Doctor Manhattan, a blue-skinned zen "god" of Watchmen fame. It was amazing to see the dice so effortlessly align with the humorousness of the session (minor intoxication of 3/4 players does wonders for a group's laugh track) and not intentionally screw him over unless he asked for it. My first pure spellcaster may very well be a wild sorc just because this guy? This guy was hilarious. 10/10 would petition for his reinstatement.

Hadeous_Rook
2017-05-25, 01:18 AM
Should have stated that its 3.5e and they were all level 2 sorry.

nikyname
2017-05-28, 09:35 AM
ok so this story came from D&D 4e
the players:
raven the drow rouge (me)
arc the bone crusher the half orc fighter
elrond the elf sun cleric

so we exploring a dungeon and it was really cold in there (because of an ice dragon) so arc the bone crusher, decides, to rip down a curtain and use it as a blanket! well we continued exploring the dungeon and we found a some kobolds. elrond smashed one's skull in and got as a random loot item a small keg of lamp oil. the DM eventually wanted to force us out of the dungeon for plot resons, so he said, "you hear a horrible scream that strikes you with imense fear" basically he put an owlbear in the dungeon to force us out, (we were about level 2, so this *would* force us out) well it didn't, we threw the half-orcs "blanket" onto the owlbear, (rolled high enough so that it was distracted) then threw lamp oil all over it. (another high roll) then I rolled to light the owlbear on fire with a torch, I got a nat 20. the owlbear burns and dies and it was great. we then go to loot the rest of the dungeon, (the DM was pretty mad, because we had just screwed up the entire plot progression) the DM had to make up the rest of the dungeon on the fly and it was hilarious. the thing was, that lamp oil was the only reason the owlbear died and it was just a random find.

TL;DR praise the RNG gods!:smallbiggrin:

Natediggadoggit
2017-05-28, 10:15 PM
DnD 4e, 3 of us, So it's our first encounter, and we were stronghanded by the city guard into cleansing their sewer system of goblins.

Our DM didn't expect us to be super lawful about everything, we kept trying to take the legal way out and talk our way out of it, instead of beating up the city guards and running, like she expected, It was her first time as a DM too, so she has to keep extending the encounter so there's something our characters are alright with fighting. I assume it's uncommon for the characters to be far more lawful than the GM expects, but it was pretty funny for us.

Well, we're in the sewer, fighting the goblins, and our avenger eviscerates one, then the goblin archers who were aiming at her roll natural 1's, so they shoot themselves in the foot, pinning themselves to the ground. The avenger turns toward them and has to double move to get to them, the goblins roll natural 1's again. They're quivering in fear now, and shoot themselves in the other foot. They're now immobilized. Our whole table is laughing pretty hard. Our avenger uses whirlwind charge and rolls high, destroying one, and then the other the next turn, the last remaining goblin in the sewer runs off, with a story about the avatar of the god of death (our avenger actually worships the raven queen, god of death in game) and tells the story. It was great.

bulbaquil
2017-05-28, 10:44 PM
Our DM didn't expect us to be super lawful about everything, we kept trying to take the legal way out and talk our way out of it, instead of beating up the city guards and running, like she expected, It was her first time as a DM too, so she has to keep extending the encounter so there's something our characters are alright with fighting. I assume it's uncommon for the characters to be far more lawful than the GM expects, but it was pretty funny for us.


That happened to me, too, the first time I GM'ed a game for my current group. I was of the Zelda/Skyrim mentality that "if it's in a dungeon, it's fair game" and was surprised when the players refused to take loot from an owned mine.

Hagashager
2017-05-29, 09:49 AM
My players got a taste of what happens when you leave a job unfinished. An in-game year earlier (and three real-life months) the party had taken a high priced bounty to capture an "extremely dangerous" sorcerer who had escaped from a Mage prison. It was supposed to be a low-level bounty-hunt that wouldn't take too long, and before the mage actually got the jump on them I'd have some Deus-Ex Machina NPC jump in to save them and they'd have a memorable time being a low-level party that "captured" a notorious criminal arch-mage.

The party got horrendously distracted, first plundering an ancient Lord's tomb and later getting embroiled in a Sahaugin kingdom's political revolution. After they finished said revolution the newly crowned king offered them free travel back to wherever they wanted. They chose to go back to the original town where they had taken the bounty long ago (they'd forgotten about it though.)

They return to the city to find row-upon-row of burning pyres, numerous mass graves, and legions of heavily-armored knights patrolling the city doing raids against all magic users and killing them en-masse. The party watches in horror as the supposed leader of this order of Knights steps upon a pedestal to address his new subjects:

BOW TO YOUR SORCERER KING! I CANNOT BE CONTAINED, I CANNOT BE CAGED I AM YOUR LORD!

The Party: "oh...right...well ****."

Crownrock
2017-05-29, 10:49 AM
I assume it's uncommon for the characters to be far more lawful than the GM expects, but it was pretty funny for us.


You assume wrong. It's not uncommon for the players to be far more anything than the GM expects. Every GM quickly learns to stop expecting anything.

GM: "I've got this amazing campaign planned, NPCs that the players will fall in love with, a BBEG that will make them pee their pants, and puzzels that will tax their brains to the very limit!"

Rogue: "I want to kill that NPC."
Bard: "I seduce the BBEG."
Wizard: "I spend the next three sessions going shopping."
Barbarian: "The puzzle is too hard. I smash it."

Guizonde
2017-05-29, 11:23 AM
You assume wrong. It's not uncommon for the players to be far more anything than the GM expects. Every GM quickly learns to stop expecting anything.

GM: "I've got this amazing campaign planned, NPCs that the players will fall in love with, a BBEG that will make them pee their pants, and puzzels that will tax their brains to the very limit!"

Rogue: "I want to kill that NPC."
Bard: "I seduce the BBEG."
Wizard: "I spend the next three sessions going shopping."
Barbarian: "The puzzle is too hard. I smash it."

"no scenario survives first contact with the players"

i think that one is one of the first rules of the "1001 bits of advice for beginning dm's".

first campaign i dm'd and finished, the players decided to keep a typical security guard as a pet. said npc was a random profile, nothing special. dude became one of the most powerful members of the company my players started. being chamberlain for monsanto was a hell of a promotion. the players revealed to me about 3 years later that what made them do it was the npc blurted out "i've got a wife and 3 kids!" a stupid throwaway line to show their intimidation check worked saved his life in front of 4 omnicidal psychopaths. needless to say, i didn't expect it. being half-drunk and improvising by this point in the campaign, i rolled with it.

the next campaign as a player, the dm didn't expect my character (a clinical sociopath) to be awesome with kids. or to hold up a toy store to give every kid i saw a teddy bear. i did it for kicks and giggles (and collecting teddy bears). turned out really useful a bit later on when a street urchin sold us our safety in exchange for 5 toys.

dehro
2017-05-29, 04:27 PM
remember how when I last told you how a party of epic level characters were held up for days doing mundane chores for npcs on their quest to recruit allies for the final fight?
now we're the next plane over, trying to get on the good side of The Red Knight in order to get her legions. To do so, we enter a tournament which at one points pits our bard against the leader of the party, a paladin of Tyr with the sacred template and an AC as near as makes no difference to unbeatable.
not standing a snoflake's chance in hell but still determined to show valour in battle, the bard whom the paladin happens to low key have a thrist with, decides to cast the only spell in her arsenal that gives her a little breathing room, Otto's irresistible dance.
So there, for the entire arena to see, is our glorious leader, dancing up a sweat in his full plate armour.
this happens repeatedly. in fact every time he regains control, he gets hit by it.
Finally out of spells, the bard concedes victory, but the damage to the paladin's reputation is done. Fighters from the multiverse and an arena full of spectators are spreading the fabulous tale into the wind.
after the session ended, I may or may not have suggested in private conversation with the DM, that the proud paladin be regaled with a spontaneously appearing ballerina outfit, sitting next to his armour, when he wakes up in the morning...every morning.
we'll see if he goes for it.

TrT8r
2017-05-29, 07:56 PM
Simple story- I thought that this thread was dead. I then noticed that there was another page :smallsigh:.

rebelpyroflame
2017-05-30, 04:59 PM
Welcome back true believers, to the continuing chronicles of how many explosions we can make in as many ways possible.

the players


Jaune (me) – ninja, coward, sole survivor on multiple occasions (not today)
Ocelot – gunslinger, easily triggered
Le macho aka Simme with an e – druid who really didn't know how strong their spells are
Dictionary – lore oracle, wannabe passive observer
Trash panda – sorcerer, low roller for life


last time, we made our biggest explosion yet, I'm running off back into the city while the others drag their collective beaten asses back to down

the journey back, Jaune's tale


I made my way into town. Everyone has been woken up and is milling about. I sneak into an ally to change from the guard’s uniform. One close call I get changed, make my way to an inn for the night. I "explain" how I got kicked out as the place I was staying at was next to the blast, so I need a place to sleep. I get a seat in the common room, wake up early and head back to the bar. On the way, I see wanted posters for me and ocelot in our guard uniforms and trash panda in his genuine appearance. I make my way back with little or no problems.


so, boring for me, but nice and safe. Looks like it pays to run when things go bad.

The journey back, the rest of the crew part one – failings and failures


Since they were still fairly bloodied from the whole exploding barn thing, they decide to head north away from the city before heading in through another entrance. Unfortunately, they run into a whole battalion of guards who just exited that entrance to investigate. They try to hide in a field. Ocelot and le macho successfully hide, while dictionary and trash panda IMMEDIATELY fall over each other and get spotted. They leave two guards behind to take them back to the barracks while the rest march on.

Ocelot and Simme decide to do all they can to save their comrades. Using their years of experience with stealth and espionage, Simme sneaks up and get spotted immediately. Using skills and tactics developed by foxhound, attempts to crawl on his belly behind Simme to sneak closer, gets spotted immediately. The other guard panics at more people being here starts smacking the hell out of trash panda to knock him out. He tries summoning a silent image of a huge troll to scare them off. Neither guard believes it for a second. Dictionary decides she’s LITERALLY going to sit down and watch all this happen.

Now the previously mentioned battalion are still close by, any loud noise like a gunshot or the guards shouting could bring all of them back darn quick. So, they need to take these guys out quickly and quietly, so ocelots guns are right out. Simme decides to fight the guard, but they both end up flailing ineffectually. Trash panda tries to bluff the guard by asking “why are you hitting me?”. It does nothing. Dictionary is still sitting on the grass watching trash panda get beaten up. Finally, Ocelot decides now is the time for dramatic action, and runs like a small child. Trash panda, glad to finally have a plan, casts grease on the guard hitting him and runs as well. Dictionary decides now is a decent time to contribute and casts obscuring mist over the guard and the grease before running herself. Simme decides to cast entangle, and is shocked at just how far the radius is, trapping both guards and running freely over the difficult terrain.

Not going to lie, this entire time I was thinking that they had found a way to team wipe on two basic grunts, and that in character I would have to explain to the guild master how I had survived yet another team wipe.

(side note, HAHAHAHA Ocelot kept giving me crap for bailing from six guards with 30 on the way in a barn full of gunpowder, next session he runs from two:smallbiggrin:)



Part two – trespassing and infiltration


They successfully run and decide between them that they are not making it back to the city tonight. They also turn down trash panda’s suggestions of crossing essentially the river Thames on the back of a six round summoned dolphin, or the same with a raft pulled by said dolphins. So, they all find a barn in a nearby orchard to sleep in after healing up. When they wake up, trash panda has a crossbow shoved in his face (DM rolled randomly for it, he’s just that unlucky) and the old farmer angrily demanding why they’re in his barn. One quick story about coming from afar to town and needing a place to sleep, and a few silver pieces, they have got themselves a nice homemade breakfast. He even offers them a ride into town on the back of his cart, with Simme riding shotgun.

As they approach Simme spots the wanted posters and the checkpoint coming up. A quick bit of planning later and Ocelot and trash panda go invisible when they arrive. Simme then starts chatting to the guard as they inspect the wagon, finding only one passenger (who does not have a wanted poster yet) and he start relating about how “close they came to catching them, he was THIS close to them last night but they got away from him and…...” he suddenly starts looking at Simme in a scrutinizing way. Turns out this was the guard who was smacking trash panda, so he sorts of recognises her but not enough just yet. They just about manage to fill out paperwork and get into the city, carefully avoiding the farmers questions about weren’t their more of us, what happened to them.

They start making their way down to the bar, keeping to alleyways to avoid being spotted, but find their way blocked by another checkpoint. They decide the only way is down, back in the sewers, but they must wade through “the murky depths” to get out. They then find themselves close to where the first explosion was, with several builders nearby. After several overly-complicated plans are suggested to distract them, OOC I point out that this world should be fairly used to hiring groups of adventurers to deal with any little problem, like say an overpopulation of giant rats, so they just pop out, turn to the builders and say, “giant rats, am I right?”. After all this they finally make their way back to the bar where I have been happily waiting since early morning, I got through town before the checkpoints were installed.


So finally, we were all back together AND we could begin planning the heist.


The big Plan


The building consists of four stories, two above ground, two below.

*First Floor – offices and management
*Ground floor – Reception, meeting rooms, elevators/stairs to basement one
*Basement one – Low security, several store rooms with safe deposit boxes inside for basic level security. In the centre of the room there are areas filled with Gems, Gold, Silver and Copper Pieces, but they are all magically marked and traceable. At the back is the elevator to Basement two, which can only be operated by guard stations on both floors simultaneously
*Basement Two – several maximum-security deposit box rooms line the walls and in the centre, is all the gold bullion they keep. There is also a printing press for making coins that also mark them with a magic seal, guaranteeing their authenticity.

Our objective was the Bullion on basement two, with a bonus for getting our hands on enough of the machines to start printing out the cash. Mr Quinn would send his three girls with us, but he could not be implicated in anything illegal. He had some basic supplies, but only a bag of holding version 4 for storing the loot in, no magic items. The girls:

*jess – martial artist/barbarian, immature, crazy but nearly unstoppable in a fight
*Isis – rogue, good at disabling traps and incredibly nasty with a whip
*rose – cleric, great at charm and healing spells

Ocelot finally had a chance to inspect the Crystals he stole from the barn. They could activate an anti-magic field when knocked, but could also change into four colours:

*white – acts as a light spell
*gold – allows the user to activate spells in an anti-magic field
*blue – acts as a passkey for certain alarm spells, but only the ones they are attuned to
*red – the DM forgot, he may remember at some point

Without wasting time FOREVER trying to map everything out over a period of months IRL, we decided on a basic plan. Isis, rose, Dictionary and Trash panda would pose as a group of wizards. Jaune, Ocelot, Jess and Simme would be their body guards. The “wizards” would want to deposit a large collection of rare and valuable tomes (the books I stole from the library) into the maximum-security vault. Once down there, we would find a way to get some members away from the main group to loot what they could, then leave.

(By this point we had turned down many plans from Trash panda including getting his hands on a glitter disco ball rock to mage hand as a distraction, getting his hands on a wizard with corpse shape to make a body look like his then set up an over the top scene to make it look like a guard had died while killing him to help relieve city tension and finally blowing up a nearby building to draw the guards away from the bank for a short time while they dealt with it.)



The heist, part one – getting in


We all dress the part, wear proper disguises to conceal our identity’s, go through the sewers to avoid the checkpoint (we have a better way this time that does not require going though sewage water) and make our way there. We notice two large statues either side that a quick spellcheck conforms are stone golems, so we really need to get this right without starting a fight. We are quickly greeted and trash panda does well at playing the part. We are sent to a meeting room, complete with a scrying crystal security camera, and jess quickly gets bored. Trash panda finds a book to give her to read about myths and legends (why it was in the meeting room I have no idea), she immediately announces that she can’t read, shrugs and starts absentmindedly tearing pages out. We are met by a gnome bank teller, and we begin are tale of coming to deposit rare magical books. We ask for a tour, to see the service we are paying for before buying, and so he takes us to the first security check point. Unfortunately, we know just how heavy the security will come down on us so we hand over all our weapons and equipment.



The heist, part two – stupid midgets


The gnome takes us downstairs and after getting thought the first security door maned by a dwarf he takes us to a small room to check what we are depositing. I hint at rose now would be a good time to do her stuff (charm him), but she either didn’t understand or didn’t care.

A bit of background to understand what is about to happen. I stole these books from the forbidden section of the library we had robbed previously. Our DM was very keen to punish me for this and so had lined these books with various traps, explosive runes, so that the first time I tried to read my spoils he’d get me. I never read them, why would I, I’m a ninja not a wizard. Once he had to stop Dictionary from reading them off hand when he asked us what we were doing before we went to sleep so he could keep the trap set for me.

The gnome opens the book and the first page is a giant glowing rune. Thanks to a combination of reflex saves and high health, we all survive. The gnome however has now been splattered all over the room and us. I proceeded to start yelling at rose why didn’t she charm him when I said to, a small argument back and forth breaks out between us until I get her to channel energy to heal us after the blast. Trash panda starts using magic to clean us and the room.

Ocelot goes to get someone to help/replace our tour guide. He finds the dwarf and tries to explain that our guide hurt himself because he didn’t listen to us, could he go get the manager so we can complain. The dwarf is confused and doesn’t know what to do until he suddenly starts looking dopey, rose has followed and charmed him so he couldn’t mess things up for us. We tell him to go find us a new bank teller to take us to basement two.

While we wait a second gnome comes with a rich woman to use the room. We bluff him, telling him about the accident, the gnome is injured, we have our cleric looking after him and we sent someone for the manager. The dwarf comes back. He got confused and has no idea what he was doing. Rose claims dwarfs are resistant to her spells a little more than others, so we lure the other gnome back and tell him to take us to the second elevator. We get to the lift, but the gnome is pretty out of it. We try bluffing that thanks to his incompetence he got mind scrambled, and that it is lucky we disabled that rune of insanity quickly or he’d be trying to eat people. Still he can’t provide the word of the day but the guard calls the manger. We are all prepared for things to go bad here but then the manager comes UP from the basement two level. He’s another gnome but he doesn’t dress like a bank manager, he dresses like a chav.



The heist, part three – deeper depths


There is something immediately suspicious about this guy. He clearly knows we’re up to something, but he takes us down with him, heck he even sends everyone down their back up, he needs the room for a bit. He then casts a spell we identify as an anti scrying spell before telling us we can drop the act, he knows why we’re here but he’s surprised that we’re such a mixed sort doing this. Trash panda is a good guy, while that one (jess) particularly nasty. I challenge him “if you know so much about why we’re here, why don’t you show us your hand first, why aren’t you just turning us in”. First, he casts a sleep spell, leaving only trash panda (left alone since he detects he’s actually an alright guy), Isis, dictionary and ocelot awake. Then he casts another spell. Ocelot goes in for a punch, not liking this guy’s moves, but he brushes it aside.

DM – “he starts changing, growing scales”

Ocelot – (in head) “oh crud, oh crud, oh crud:smalleek:”

DM – “they are copper coloured”

Ocelot – (in head) “oh thank god”

YEP, THE BANK MANAGER IS A COPPER DRAGON. WE ARE SCREWED IF WE TRY TO FIGHT HIM:smalleek:. Ocelot is crapping himself, Isis is so far out of her depth she can’t comprehend it, dictionary is unphased and Trash panda couldn’t care, he’s too enthralled by the thought of a dragon owning a bank/in love with this hunk of fire breathing lizard to care. Luckily as a Copper dragon he’s not evil so he won’t just kill us out of hand. It’s at this point that dictionary and trash panda remember that they can both speak draconic, so they explain we can’t talk in front of the girls. So, he wakes up our group (not the girls) and asks us to get out of the way, he can deal with Isis he just needs a line of sight. Sure enough, he knocks her out and we explain everything. It turns out he’s had experience with our guild (the guild of the white lotus, this is the first time any of us had heard it named) but he knows our guild master. Turns out, he’s also a dragon, what you thought one small guild master would be consulted about a coup like this?

He introduces himself properly as Bartholomew (we call him Bart, he likes it) won’t directly help us, but we amuse him so he will help us with our mission. He says that he will hold the girls for now (something about how they are not such bad sorts, he knows them and doesn’t want to just kill them. I say it’s because the DM and I spent too long making their sheets and characters to just kill them) although he refuses to let me take their equipment (the DM knows I know they have about 30K of magic stuff EACH and he refuses to let me exploit this) and he will call some of his boys to makes some new printing plates (we had between us decided to steal this part, as that’s all the mafia needed to start making magically tagged gold pieces for racketing the gold) with a different seal so the gold could easily be tracked rather than impossible to track, and a small portion of the gold. The problem is he needs to make a show of our escape, make it look convincing. “Tell me, how do you feel about explosions?”


That’s where we ended. Side note, Trash panda rolled about six 20’s that didn’t count for one reason or another (skill checks, joke rolls, rolls he didn’t need to make) but he kept rolling low or 1’s constantly throughout the game.

EZCheez
2017-05-30, 07:58 PM
All of these are amazing stories, and the DMs seem to have their game down. The following stories are provided by my current group of beginners, with me as the DM barely keeping an adventure together.

Party: Dragonborn sorcerer named Geoffrey the Stab (He got the name from only using a pair of scissors to murder a BBEG last adventure)
A cat-women named named Damori who is homebrew class called scholar (+10 to diplomacy, wisdom checks, intelligence checks, etc. -10 all combat)
A human tone-deaf bard called Camille who's profession is freelance artist.
and a drug addict named Bloodreign who was created to be the ultimate edgelord.

Basically they were all drafted to the army, except the dragonborn, he was more blackmailed into it. They are on their first mission when a nuke explodes. Everyone flips out and they all file onto a cargo jet halfway through refueling. They fly away to the nearest city where they crash-land after jumping out of the cargo bay in a monster truck (a hummer with some Ex Machina'd suspension). The glove box of the hummer was home to a time traveling pixie who immediately antagonized the entire party, Camille rolled to mid-air strangle it, she rolled a 1. I ruled she squeezed the pixie to hard and it defecated. Now everyone starts to have a laugh until Camille shouts "I SHOOT THE FAIRY", yes, mid-air. I ruled it was a -6 to accuracy. Camille's luck proceeds and gets a 1. She shoots Geoffrey in the foot with a pistol. Bloodreign also hates the fairy, so as they smash to the ground (they all passed fort checks). She rolled to shoot the fairy again. Rolls a 1. Bloodreign shoots Damori with a pistol, at this point Camille's player shouts "FOOT SHOOTING PARTY!" and Bloodreign obliterates Geoffrey's foot with a sawed off shotgun. Geoffrey pulls out an uzi and pegs Camille. The pixie is defecating furiously throughout the entire ordeal until Geoffrey runs away to the historical district where (by meta gaming and messing the rules) finds a 600 year old construct in a cavern, jumps in for teh lolz. In his last moments of conciousness says "Metal... Legs" rolls low on charisma, passes out. Wakes up with golden eggs from the knee down. When police show up to the hummer, bloodreign is carted away on an ambulance, Camille rolls to grab the bumper of the ambulance and rolls a 11, barely passing. Bloodreign wakes up, knocks out 2 paramedics. Camille grabs onto the handles on the back of the ambulance just as Bloodreign kicks them open. Bloodreign rolls a 20, Camille rolls a 1. Both Camille's arms are pulled off as Bloodreign kicks open the doors (1 handle on each door). Meanwhile, Damori walks away, stealing the pixie, and jams him head first into an Uzi. No bullets but the clicking sound still happens, the pixie starts screaming as the clicking noise from the gun being out of bullets is amplified inside the barrel. While this plays out i secretly plot that they all get a +2 for foot shootings secretly.


Poorly written, Not very funny, Improper capitalizations. First post, whatcha gonna do.

TrT8r
2017-05-30, 08:47 PM
I have had the Big Bad not-so-evil Guy following my PCs throughout the dungeon, which is a swamp. I have dropped obvious hints that he is the main enemy, but they think nothing of it. Heck, one of them calls him their friend. For example, the BBEG told them to turn back on the dungeon, or perish, hinting that he will kill them. He thinks that the BBEG is warning him of danger. Another example:
Me: you hear a rustling in the canopy and get a fleeting glance of a shadowy figure running in the trees.
Everyone: eh, probably a monkey or something.
They have seen traps, illusions, animals provoked into attacking them and yet they still don't get it. EX:
Me: You hear a loud noise, like a screech and then the thumping of a stampede coming at you.
Step brother: I wonder what scared them?:smallconfused:
I should mention that the BBEG is a druid who is protecting an ancient monument called the druid stones hidden within the swamp. He also kidnapped a gnome antiquarian (look it up) who got a little to close to the site.

TrT8r
2017-06-02, 08:59 PM
GM: "I've got this amazing campaign planned, NPCs that the players will fall in love with, a BBEG that will make them pee their pants, and puzzels that will tax their brains to the very limit!"

Rogue: "I want to kill that NPC."
Bard: "I seduce the BBEG."
Wizard: "I spend the next three sessions going shopping."
Barbarian: "The puzzle is too hard. I smash it."

This is true. This is what happens. This is AWESOME. Mind if I Sig parts of this? :smallsmile:

Crownrock
2017-06-04, 01:10 AM
This is true. This is what happens. This is AWESOME. Mind if I Sig parts of this? :smallsmile:

Sure thing. Just, if you copy the misspelled "puzzle," go ahead and fix that. Don't want my typo immortalized. :smallwink:

TrT8r
2017-06-04, 03:51 PM
Thanks!
Anyways, I have a story from this past Wednesday. I was at my D&D session, and I brought a friend and was teaching him to play and making him a character. I Heard this conversation from the table.
D(Wizard): I shove the goblin into the sack.
DM:... The goblin is at full health, you know.
D: I know. I shove him in the sack.
DM: *Sighs:smallsigh:* ... Roll strength.
Later, I heard this.
DM: You took an innocent goblin, shoved him in a sack, and now you want to beat him to death. :smalleek:
D and P (ranger): *Maniacal laughter* YES!!!
I stop what I am doing and look at them with a face of mixed horror and confusion.:smalleek::smallconfused:
Later, my friends character, named Billy Mays the Paladin, and me, a halfling sorcerer, join the group. This happens.
DM: You see this bulky Human stumble in to your camp.
Me: I ready shocking grasp.
P: I shoot him with my bow.
D: I throw a dagger into his eye.
DM to D: You know what? Make an attack roll if you really want to.:smallamused:
D: I WAS JOKING!!!:smalleek:
There is more. Me, D, and P started running through the forest. We all trip. P falls down, D falls on P and I fall on D. P goes into the negatives, and we have no healer. We need to take him back to camp, so D takes the most obvious solution.
D: I shove him in a sack.

TrT8r
2017-06-06, 05:42 AM
I was DMing, and we had gotten to the big fight; a druid and a couple of awakened plants.
My players were DECIMATING. All the enemies kept on missing, and they thought the fight unusually easy. The ranger even got in one really powerful hit in on the tree (13 damage out of 41 hit points)
Right up until they found out how much damage the awoken tree could do.
Tell me, when a ranger falls in the forest, does the tree make a sound?

Crownrock
2017-06-06, 10:31 AM
Here's a story from the very first game I ever played. It was a party of five using the premade characters for Mines of Phandolen, and we were all level one. We made our way in to the cave at the beginning, and found a tall ledge with a passage way at the top. One of the fighters decided to climb up the ledge, but rolled low on his strength check, fell siren, and nearly died. So the other fighter gave it a try, ave failed. I figured, as a war cleric with a high strength, I should be able to make it. Nope. Then the rogue, using acrobatics instead of athletics failed.
Finally, with most of the party nearly dead, our wizard, with a -2 STR and 0 DEX mod gave it a shot. Nat 20, only to find himself gave to face with three goblins, a bugbear, and a trained wolf, all by his lonesome.
He proceeded to destroy everything, using only his staff (he didn't want to waste a spell slot), rolling high on every attack while the DM kept rolling <10. Meanwhile, the rest of us knocked ourselves unconscious trying to climb that stupid ledge to help him. The rogue then failed three consecutive death saves.

Jerrykhor
2017-06-07, 01:56 AM
My party of 6 was up against some fey creatures that love to spew some poison that stuns. The poison wasn't that nasty (DC12 Con save), but there were 4 of those creatures that keep spamming that stuff in a cone area.

Our Cleric was a guy who is notorious for having very bad rolls. And that day was one of the many times where he constantly rolled 1s and 2s. He was stunned from start for 3 rounds, and the boss died in the 4th round with the few surviving creatures scattering, so the fight was pretty much over. He was supposed to be stunned in the 4th round too, but he rolled too early because it was not his turn yet (he just barely failed the save with a roll of 11), so the DM ignored that roll. The rest of us were never stunned for more than 1 round, and I was particularly lucky, never stunned at all. So the Cleric was very salty about not able to do anything in the whole fight, other than taking damage from all the poison flying around.

I have not seen anyone fail a DC12 save for 4 consecutive rounds, its hilarious and sad at the same time. He only needed to roll 10 or more, as he had 14 con, but still failed to do it.

Spookykid
2017-06-07, 11:18 AM
Recently I convinced the party to attack rocks while a big evil entity was about to come through a portal to our plane of existence and kill everyone. I did have a good reason to be upset with them and they were acting kinda dumb so I figured why not.

Crownrock
2017-06-07, 11:53 AM
The worst game I ever played was one of my first on Roll20. The DM had a living world, with three sessions a week, and a ton of players. They had already been playing for a few weeks when I joined, and they were very immersed, role playing their downtime in the forums, buying property and opening businesses. It was a little overwhelming for a noob like me.
My first session went alright, but kind of boring. But that was mostly because I was first level, and the rest of the group ranged from 3-5, so I just couldn't do much.
My second session was horrible though. I think the DM had taken on more than he could handle alone, and it was starting to show.
The game started with everyone discussing their downtime activities... For an hour and a half. Finally, the DM got around to asking what I did during the downtime.
Me: Uhh... What can I do? Can i train?
DM: Sure, that will cost you X gold per day.
Me: I don't have that much. Can I just hang out in the batavern and drink?
DM: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry. Sure, you can do that.
Me: Then I guess I've been on a bender for the past week.
DM: You mean you Eat, Drink, and Be Merry.
Me: Yeah, my character just spent the whole week wasted.
DM: No, he can't "get wasted," or "go on a bender." You Eat, Drink, and Be Merry.
Me: Okay, sorry. I Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, but not necessarily in that order. More of #2 than anything.

(Aside: The only reason I was so intent on having my character drunk was because the DM was being such a stickler. It was annoying me.)

So I had missed a few sessions at this point, and I was still only level two, way behind the rest of the party again, which meant that I spent most of the session, as a fighter, hiding behind the wizard for protection, being ignored by the war cleric who thought he was a barbarian and didn't realize his healing spells work on people besides himself. We got railroaded in to a castle that had been ransacked by kobolds, and as soon as we walked through the door, the screen went black.

The rest of the party started talking about non game related stuff, clearly all familiar with one another. Since I didn't know anyone, I was kind of left out of the conversation. So I waited. And waited. Forty-five minutes later, the map is up. (I later watched the session on the DM's YouTube channel, we had been waiting on him to draw and populate three map that he railroaded us to.)

At this point, I was getting sick of it, and bored out of my mind. We had a narrow hallway, with kobold archers at the end, and I just charged face first in to a volley of arrows. I didn't care.

The session went on another three hours, but I spent the entire time watching YouTube videos in another tab, checking in every ten minutes or so. No one bothered to pick me up. They ran right by my unconscious body, cleared the entire castle, then went home. That was the last time I played with that group.

TrT8r
2017-06-07, 02:10 PM
Good for you. They seem like jerks. I've had my fair share of being left out as well. It isn't fun.

Braininthejar2
2017-06-08, 04:22 AM
I'm GMing a campaign based on Baldur's Gate series, and at some point I decided to make Tazok the half ogre a recurring boss.

First he was killed in part 1, when the party besieged his camp. he was mostly remembered for being the first to kill a party member.

Then in part 2, he was ressurected, and returned as Firkragg's lackey, leading a group hired to frame the party - he was killed again, and this time the player skinned his body to make a cloak (she's a druid, and weird like this)

When they finally attacked Firkragg's lair, it turned out that he had a deepspawn defending it, and he had fed it with what was left of Tazok's body - so by the time they got there, there were three more of him for the party to kill.

Last session the player got tested in the pocket plane, facing a 'what if' scenario pitting her against an evil version of herself. She listened calmly to the description of her Iron Throne counterpart, her wizard cohort, the traitor guard captain, and Tamoko, but the moment I mentioned Tazok, she interrupted me to frostfell the whole bunch.