More Funny D&D Stories

[TrT8r]

I have just made the most bloodthirsty Warlock ever.
Pact of the chain, imp familiar, tiefling, dagger for a tail, The fiend for a patron, almost all my spells are combat related, slightly insane, extremely violent. All of his weapons are designed for maximum carnage (EX: Sickle has spikes for tearing up flesh). His patron commands him to kill first, destroy the remains later. He has a habit of making himself as freaky as possible before battle (thaumaturgy, makes eyes look like they are crackling with electricity, armor of Agathys), and enjoys 'playing' with his kills.
Oh yes. He is going to be fun. :smallamused:
On a side note, my characters make cameos in my campaigns. Example, their forest guide is Raggenayl, my ranger.

[TrT8r]

Sorry for the frequent posting.
Another story.
I was DMing with my family. I decided to give my step mom a uncommon magic item because it was her birthday. She chose gauntlets of ogre power.
S: stepmom; rock gnome rogue with EPIC stats for lvl 1.
M: Dad; Hill dwarf cleric with +0 or -1 to everything except for wisdom.
K: step sister; wood elf sorceress. Doesn't do anything unless someone else does it.
That is everyone who matters. Here's the story.
Me: You walk forward, and suddenly you hear a loud 'WHACK' and a stampede of animals comes up behind you.
K: I jump up a tree.
Me:... ok roll acrobatics.
K: *Nat 20*
Me: You hop up like it's nothing and land perfectly on a branch.
Anyways, a turn or two with the chase has gone, when this happens.
S: I'm light right? I try to jump onto M's shoulders.
M: *OoC*: Wait what?! I have a strength of -1.
Me: Are you sure? In real life, this would be extremely difficult.
S: Yes.
And then a series of rolls. S: acrobatics; passes, lands on M. M: strength, fails to catch a 30 pound gnome. He then succeeds on a DEX save to stay on his feet. S: strength to hold on to M, fails, falls off, fails to roll to her feet.
She almost got trampled, but I let her go. There was much friendly argument between S and M, about why it would have succeeded or failed.
I don't know about you, but something about a big dwarf failing to support a 30 pound gnome seems funny to me.

[EZCheez]

one time (way back) i was playing a homebrew engine i created. Set in a modern little to no magic game, in which the military was everything. I played a fairy barbarian, I attacked with a thumbtack that was basically a polymorphed dagger. My friend played what she called "Dank lord dungeon doomster" which was an orc that was armed only with an Iphone that disintegrated it's enemys with dank memes. My other friend played a griffin centaur that duel wielded sawed off shotguns terminator style.
When the campaign started I ruled they were in bootcamp. First turn for griffin, flys right the eff up out of there and gets shot down by anti-aircraft weapons. She was at -11 but I pulled some ex machina and revived her. Their first mission was to diffuse a bunch of landmines nonlethally. Fairy (strength of 19 btw) pulled up a rock twice his height and lobbed it into the field. kabooya. A bunch of Kobolds who were living under that field for 300 years spewed out, all screaming the end is nye, blah blah. Dank lord dungeon doomster exposed them to dank memes. I re-rolled them into a class called "Fake Emo" and they got snapchat accounts and bad haircuts as they walked off taking selfies. Next mission was to actually go out and attack the next continent in a bunch of other people as an outfit. Upon landing they got mortered, presumed dead. Only survivers, in fact. I thought they were going to be brave and carry on the mission but nope. DLDD got addicted to heroine and sold the others as slaves to pay for it. The pixie got out of the cuffs and broke free the griffin. They decided to carry on, but the crime mafia-people told Dank lord they had to catch her if they wanted more of dah good stuff.

Basically turned into a really bad scooby doo moment where she kept missing them until she found pixie and griffin and decided to ride with them, after not getting the stuff for 2 months she broke the habit. Then, on the final mission, they had to fight a dude who was bombing their country because there were no McDonalds franchises in his country.
The group dispatched them, went home. crime people broke dank lords knee caps after trying to bribe them with memes. Griffin kills some hoodlums by wing smacking them, flys away, never to be seen again (was hit by a commercial airliner) and the pixie went back to his office job, repeatedly asking for help after he couldn't hold his cup under the water cooler.

(again, sorry for awful grammer, spelling, and overall story structure.)

[Werty2001]

One time, my party and I were stuck in a tunnel that could only fit one person at a time and being beginners we stuck our barbarian in the back with our sorcerer. A fight broke out in the middle of the tunnel and half the party could'nt participate so our babarian decided to take a nap. Our sorcerer had ink and a quill with him so mid battle he draws a penis on the barbarian's forehead. Everyone in the party just couldn't stop laughing.

[TrT8r]

One time, my party and I were stuck in a tunnel that could only fit one person at a time and being beginners we stuck our barbarian in the back with our sorcerer. A fight broke out in the middle of the tunnel and half the party could'nt participate so our babarian decided to take a nap. Our sorcerer had ink and a quill with him so mid battle he draws a penis on the barbarian's forehead. Everyone in the party just couldn't stop laughing.

Seems like the logical thing to do.

[dehro]

Heh... when my character died around the end of our last campaign, we were almost at epic levels, I created a whisper gnome rogue with focus on dual wielding and feats to enhance his melee skills... I was mostly expecting the final big fight to come up and that to be it, so I didn't mother with much else in the character creation process.
At some stage we end up in narrow tunnel that is magically closing/creeping up behind us forcing us at a steady pace. At the end of the tunnel is door, which is locked.
So obviously I go to try and open the door. Since the character is brand new, I look up my ranks in open lock on the sheet.
Apparently I didn't put any in there. After much squeezing and huffing and puffing, the Favored Soul in our party had to waste a miracle in order to get the door open in time to escape the rapidly approaching wall that would otherwise have crushed us.
Building a 20th lv rogue without any lockpicking skills earned me some pointed barbs for a while.

[SithLordSchrute]

Our four man lvl 3 group: dragonborn paladin, dragonborn fighter, dwarf cleric(npc), and tiefling warlock (me).

We get to the end of this cave where the cavern is littered with various piles of bone and an alter to one side with a book. So we are already suspicious, being a horror campaign, and cast all the detect spells we can. The only thing that stood out, aside from the evil cave that drank up any blood and bodies, was an area around the alter that had this strange magic. So I cast mage hand and grabbed the book, that disappointed the dm, then we decide to activate the magic perimeter with my familiar and have us ready actions attack whatever came out.

What came out was a Homebrew monster that our dm had us roll knowledge check for, it is a cross between a bone naga and a three headed hydra. Only the npc cleric passed and long story short told us to run or die. We run but dwarf cleric is slow, and it catches up to dwarf and instantly brings him down to 2 hp. We save him by distracting him with my familiar because it is blind. I had it draw the monster to an unexplored tunnel and what does it find? A griant freaking scorpion. Naturally we lead the bone naga to the scorpion and had them fight each other.

Just image it for a second, a giant scorpion vs a three headed bone naga. My character wanted some popcorn while he watched. Best part is the scorpion died, we received the xp for it and my familiar opened a chest with gold and a Jewel that I didn't share with the group. Good times.

[GuesssWho]

I was in a one-shot not long ago where we had to prevent crazy cultists from dragging the moon down to earth. We sabotaged their calculations so that the magic chains they were using missed the moon and fell right back onto their mountings, resulting in about 500 consecutive thor strikes (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinetic_bombardment) and reducing the whole area to a crater.

The funny bit is that 1, we were level two and 2, the setting was My Little Pony.

[TrT8r]

I was in a one-shot not long ago where we had to prevent crazy cultists from dragging the moon down to earth.

Legend of Zelda much?
Anyways, I was DMing today, and the players were trying to find and rescue townsfolk from kobalds and cultists. They got disguises from an earlier battle, and I rolled, and they encountered max enemies. 2 cultists and 8 kobalds, and 5 townsfolk. This was going to be a really hard fight, so the players tried to make the enemies go away by telling them that they will take care of the people. Cue me rolling a crit fail for sense motive. All 10 enemies shrugged and wandered off. I was dissatisfied, so I rolled random encounters, and then facepalmed. 6 more townsfolk showed up. So, I set up an ambush for them and the townsfolk. 2 critical hits later, and one dex save crit failed, all of the enemies are either shishkabobs or piles of fine ash.
The session ended with the rangers trying to eat rats on a arrow (ratkabob).

[Hagashager]

The session before my most recent one of the party fighters was killed in a heroic sacrifice to save the rest of the party from a Kraken noticing them. He then rolled a new character, a Dwarf fighter using hand-to-hand and improvised weaponry (acting as a proficiency he had to learn) He's roll playing a Dwarven Monk.

In my setting most of the races are not fond of each other, Dwarves and Elves are no exception. The Half-Elf Druid, however, is a tolerant sort, and doesn't take kindly to racism of any sort. Which prompts this interaction:

Callus (Druid): "I see we have a new member."
Krass: "Yes, everyone, say hello to Zanek, a missionary from the Dwarven city of Ozmar, he's agreed to travel with us for a time."
Callus *OOC*: "Is your character okay with elves/half-elves, or is he like all the other Dwarves we've encountered?"
Zanek *OOC and very casually*: "Oh dude, he's as racist as they come." *IC* : "Ye go' ah knife-ears with ye?"
Callus: "At least I can reach the top shelf, mud-muncher."
Krass: "Yes, Zanek, I think you'll fit right in."

[Geigan]

So this just happened in our Pathfinder game, and I felt the need to chronicle it.

Strange Aeons is a nasty module. For those of you who are not familiar/still plan to play this, the rest will be spoilered.
Background: Around book 3 there is a point at which you start venturing into the dream realms through a special ritual, and start having to collect some macguffins. As a part of this, you can die in the dream, but you don't get perma-killed. No instead you get semi-permanent madnesses applied that can't be removed except through higher level magic.

During these adventures our rogue got hit with Multiple Personality Disorder, and due to their already low will save pretty much always is switching around to some new personality whenever they enter and leave the dream. It's even better because they're a doppelganger and they switch appearances to match each personality as it comes up.

So we're dealing with that and we decide to go after the next macguffin on our list. The night hag ambassador's heartstone. We use our special dream ritual and end up in a nice royal room, filled with courtiers and the ambassador herself. Plush pillows, fine wines, and some zither music. Real posh little place. The rogue reveals his personality for the moment as a kobold. This kobold hears the music, and his first reaction is to run up to the musician and smash the instrument shouting, "NO MORE MUSIC!"

You see Olp Firebane (as the doppelganger/kobold didn't get a chance to call himself), hates three things: Light, Laughter, and Music.

So the first thing that happens upon arriving to try and smooze our way through a social intrigue encounter with this night hag ambassador is some random kobold rogue begins assaulting her musician. Bad start you'd think, right?

Then the GM has him roll 3 fort saves all of the sudden. We're all suddenly confused. The rogue rolls them and the GM describes a strange mechanism in the instrument activating upon it being smashed that jabbed the rogue with a few syringes. The rogue fails one of the saves and instantly dies, getting ejected from the dream by a fort save or die poison.

The ambassador then suddenly gasps and shouts, "He's an assassin! Get him and I'll pay you anything!"

Our gunslinger wins initiative and drops him in one round to a full attack. We then asked her for her heartstone obviously, as that was what we'd come for. Our psion (me) used read thoughts as she was doing this (because what we did know was that she was a cheat) and caught her trying to stiff us, called her out on it, and then got the real thing since she didn't want to be caught lying to avoid losing face.

The encounter, as our GM described it to us afterwards, had to do with us helping the night hag find an assassin among her courtiers. I have to stress neither us nor the rogue knew that before he decided to smash the instrument. We finished a social intrigue encounter that probably would've taken at least an hour or more, in about 5-10 minutes.
So yeah, I just spent the extra session time we didn't use on that encounter typing this up and learning to breath again after laughing too hard.

[Jaxter Gronaldi]

Cast:
Steve: human sorc who flows for backstory reasons. Fire bolts anything that moves.
Luke: a ranger who specializes in hitting things.
Me: a gnome rogue. More wiz and int than anything else.
Our healer, a wood elf cleric.
Dm

Here are some funny quotes.

Dm:
"Thanks to Luke, you are all eating gourmet rat for dinner. Add 3 giant rat hides to your loot list."

Dm:"After numerous whacking with a broadsword, being set on fire, and blasted with magic, the statue dies from falling over. You collect X exp and Y gp.


I'm a 1st time poster btw

[dehro]

Cast:
I'm a 1st time poster btw

Laughter is the best way to introduce yourself.
Welcome

[weckar]

Heh... when my character died around the end of our last campaign, we were almost at epic levels, I created a whisper gnome rogue with focus on dual wielding and feats to enhance his melee skills... I was mostly expecting the final big fight to come up and that to be it, so I didn't mother with much else in the character creation process.
At some stage we end up in narrow tunnel that is magically closing/creeping up behind us forcing us at a steady pace. At the end of the tunnel is door, which is locked.
So obviously I go to try and open the door. Since the character is brand new, I look up my ranks in open lock on the sheet.
Apparently I didn't put any in there. After much squeezing and huffing and puffing, the Favored Soul in our party had to waste a miracle in order to get the door open in time to escape the rapidly approaching wall that would otherwise have crushed us.
Building a 20th lv rogue without any lockpicking skills earned me some pointed barbs for a while.To be fair, at that level you should have just had a Knock wand or something.

[dehro]

To be fair, at that level you should have just had a Knock wand or something.

"Should have" are words that appear in many of the last sentences uttered by my characters

[rebelpyroflame]

Greetings and welcome to the last part of this leg of our adventures in crime.

When we last left off, barty the dragon had given us the gold and the plates we needed. We could escape, but we needed to put on a good show to fool the city.

the players


Jaune (me) – ninja man of action
Ocelot – gunslinger, ridiculously “fair” player
“Sim with an e” – druid who really didn't know how strong their spells are
Yurion aka Dictionary – lore oracle, far too enthusiastic role player
Draspher aka Trash panda – sorcerer, greatest psychopath this city has ever seen yet still chaotic good


Part one

We decide that I (Jaune), Ocelot and trash panda should change out of the guard uniforms. We need to put on a show and since we’re wanted by the city this is our best way of doing so. Since the others are not know to the city yet, we can use them as “hostages” with the possibility of them escaping separate to us if need be. Barty tells us he is willing to do an explosion for us in the anti-magic field for flavour so long as it is in such a way that no-one gets hurt. After much discussion it is agreed that draspher will speak in draconic while Barty watches us over the scrying sphere security system telling to explain where he wants it followed by a SHAZAM. As the sneakiest member, I take the bag of holding with the gold and the printing plates inside

We ride the lift up, with sim and Yurion tied up in rope as our “hostages” and get to the guard operating the lift security doors. Draspher and I attempt to bluff the guard into thinking that these are our prisoners, that we as the “secret police” have found out these two were trying to break in and we have arrested them. Unfortunately, due to a low roll on my part, the guard is a bit incredulous about the “secret police” part, and there is talk on both sides about calling the manager. The DM has to point out that Barty said he won’t help us, so I take the problem in hand. I reach through the view hole, grab the gnome by his hair and smash his face into the table. Ocelot jumps through and proceeds to let us out

We start to sneak out and along the corridor. Ocelot peaks around the corner and sees a gnome, a dwarf and a human walking along chatting (insert bar joke here). As we start panicking the DM realises he forgot to tell us that Barty told us that we had to do this NON LETHALY. Ocelot sees the Gnome go into one of the vaults while the other two starts walking this way. We all dash silently for the guard room, but Ocelot and Sim get spotted. Carefully weighing up his options, Ocelot calmly and thoughtfully fires the entangling shot he had prepared at the two, sticking them to the wall while Sim charges over and slams her hand over their mouths, just succeeding in not getting her own hand trapped to them in the sticky goo. Unfortunately, the Dwarf starts screaming so Ocelot charges over and knees him in the head, again only just succeeding in not sticking himself to the wall as well

The rest of us quickly start moving down the corridor, I shout out a “sorry, my fault I saw a rat” to try and explain the noise. The Gnome from before sticks his head out to see what is going on. Drashper helpfully goes up and asks for some help, there has been an accident. The gnomes face pales as he shouts out “IT’S THE MAD BOMBER!”


Part two, everyone wants to burn the world

To help Draspher player out (this campain is his first) I pass him a note saying, “silent image some flames”. What I meant was to make a fireball or flames in his hand to scare and intimidate the guy, maybe grab him as an extra hostage. Instead, he makes a wall of flames along the back of the vault while telling him “you might want to run before you burn, heheheheh”. This vault was full of about 8 bank workers, who all panic upon seeing the fire and the mad bomber, and start running out as fast as they can, all screaming at the top of their lungs.

I spot an opportunity and reverse roles with Draspher relative to the library. I run with the crowd, shouting out “run, run for your lives, the mad bomber is here!”, hoping to start a panic to help us get past the guards. The others catch on quickly, running with me while we leave Draspher at the back to create atmosphere. Except for Yurion, she was getting way to into the “hostage” thing and was only running with us because of Stockholm syndrome.

The next part is going to get complicated as we are all taking our turns in order while the events are happening simultaneously. I will label each section 1. For me, 2. For sim, 3. For Ocelot, 4. For Yurian, 5. For Draspher.

The anti-magic field goes up due to the fire alarm, and everyone starts evacuating the building in a calm and orderly manner.

1.2.3.4. We make our way past the guards storming towards Draspher with the crowd while I am trying to get everyone panicking. The rest of the guards are keeping calm everyone calm and orderly despite my efforts and start giving me the evil eye. Unfortunately as the guards are giving me the evil eye, one of them realises he might recognize me.

5. Draspher really gets into the swing of things, cackling like a madman and using dragonic to communicate with barty to set off an explosion in the freshly emptied vault to intimidate the hell out of the guards in his path while trying to piss himself in fear both in and out of character.

1. Using this moment of distraction, I shout out “I told you, he’ll kill us all now run” and charge up the stairs after everyone else

5. The initial guards have all flead, leaving four guards in the hall and another 4 past the security gate leading people up the stairs. He gets barty to set of another blast behind him and the guards, clearly terrified, start shuffling back

3. I pass Ocelot a note and he gets the message, dropping a smoke bomb right at Draspher to help keep up the illusion of fire magic while he’s running up the stairs

5. Although a little shocked, he realises what’s going on and comes out of the smoke slowly, cackling like a madman


Part three, Et tu Ocelot

1. As I get to the top of the stairs I realise that the elevator next to me leads downstairs and to the first floor, meaning that I could retrieve Draspher, make our way to the roof/first story window and escape that way (this was the closest we had to an escape plan). Barring that, the room next to me leads straight to the wall with only a much thinner wall connecting blocking the stairs from it directly. I attempt to grab Ocelot and Yurion to help me as they have great knowledge engineering checks to get the lift working, and Ocelot has 8 barrels of gunpowder to blast open the wall. Ocelot, thanks to a combination of having his own plan, receiving information due to having a much higher perception and his own sense of “no meta gaming” runs off regardless, refusing to tell any of us what he has realised due to note passing. Yurion, thanks to her hands off approach to any kind of combat encounter and the strange obsession she has with being tied up just follows Ocelot, her “captor”. This leaves me with just sim to help me, and Draspher downstairs with a large group of heavily armed guards, both of whom have their spells blocked by the anti-magic field

2. Sim, having heard me attempts to follow me into the room. Unfortunately there is still one guard keeping everyone going, and he helpfully tells her “that the wrong way miss, exit is that way”. So she fakes tripping to avoid leaving and he goes to help her up, not wanting her to be trampled to death by the gnomes still running out

5. Conferring with Barty again, Draspher gets the guard room door to slam, finally breaking the will of the guards and sending them running up the stairs. He attempts to negotiate a series of small, firecracker explosions and one to break a wall open, but he hears a magical whispering in his ear. Barty has had enough, no more explosions he was only going to offer one, he’s not wrecking his own bank for him, he’s on his own now. Extreamly worried, he makes his way up the stairs

3.4. Ocelot and Yurion have been making their way out, Yurion finally ditching the rope bondage. As they get to the main hall, they see something they refuse to tell the rest of the group, but Oclot drags his top-hat (he originally thought he had a stetson, but the figure he bought to represent himself had a top hat so he went with that) to disuse himself further and begin to make their way out

2.5. Draspher makes his way up the stairs after the last of the people and comes across the guard helping Sim up. The guard nobly, but still terrified, buts himself between the woman and the madman. As thanks, Sim tries to knock him out, but gets knocked by one of the gnomes running away and ends up falling on top of him.

1. I realise the room I’m in is a filing room, and it actually goes up to the first floor. I examine the room, and after a while chatting with the DM realise that my only useful skill is perception to find a weakness in the wall. I find that although I can’t break out the building from here, I can manoeuvre one of the filing cabinets to smack into the first story wall to make a hole to get out. I climb the ladder and try to move it, but due to being a ninja I have very poor strength and keep failing. I shout down what the hell’s taking them so long, and when sim sees Draspher grab him and get in here

5. Draspher kicks the guard in the head, only just succeeds in not hurting his foot, and tells the guard he should run now. He makes his way into the room I’m in, but can’t do much to help me

3.4. Ocelot and Yurion finally make their way outside, and it is revealed what they know. The army has been called in and a group of them have come inside to storm the place. Meanwhile around thirty of them have lined up outside in firing lines, all aimed at the door. Ocelot, following through his plan from before, goes with the others then runs down a side allyway, offing an excuse about how “he doesn’t want to die” and the guards decide it’s not worth following him. Yurion spots something and goes the exact opposite way, saying something to the dm about “following her autistic nature”. Ocelot announces he’s going to go through the side streets until he gets to behind the guards, but that will take a few turns

2. Sim, hearing the march of boots, knocks out the guard (giving him a kiss on the cheak for his bravery and kindness) and charges into the room, slamming it shut before the guards come along. We wait till they have gone downstairs and with sim’s help, I finally get the wall smashed so we can get up to the first floor, which Draspher and I immediately charge through while sim gets her breath back

1.5. I immediately ask are there any roof access points. The DM takes five minutes to reboot (he had not thought of those at all when planning the building) before deciding no, that is too much of a security hazard, no access. The only windows are the ones in the manager’s office overlooking the ground floor reception and the large ones in the meeting rooms facing the courtyard. Draspher and I check the manager’s office and we check for the anti-magic field generator. The field is weaker here so with Draspher detect magic we find the orb that controls the field and disables it. Sim joins us and I have a plan

3. Ocleot has made his way to an alleyway behind the guards and his plan is finally revealed. He’s going to take a fuse, attach it to one of his barrels and use it as a donkey Kong style explosive. Along the way he notices the wizard from the barn, THE ONE WHO TIRED TO BLOW IT UP WITH HIMSELF AND SIM INSIDE. He makes him his immediate target

1.2.5. The first part of our plan is have sim summon a creature in the courtyard to distract the guards while she turns into a rat and hides in Draspher cloak. Meanwhile Draspher casts invisibility on both himself and me


Part four, an explosive climax

Here is what happened next.

The wizard realises that the anti-magic field is down and alerts the guards. Suddenly a Giant Centipede appears in the courtyard, and the first line of soldiers open fire, blasting it to bits. The second line get into position as the first line are reloading when an almighty explosion goes off behind them. Although Ocelots aim was a little off and the wizard simply blocks the fire blast with his hands, preventing his own injury, the distraction works. The shockwave is such that all the windows are blown out and Yurion, on a nearby roof, loses balance and starts falling down the side. At the last second she is saved by none other than NINJA SAN! She had spotted someone on the roof and realised it must be him, hence why she went that way. He turn to her and gives the passphrase “the angels wings are brightest in twilight”. I immediately exclaim, OOC, “ow that’s what it was”. It quickly comes to light none of us had written it down and had completely forgotten what the phrase was. The DM was ticked at this, saying he should have just said anything and we would have believed him.

Getting back on track, ninja san is not too impressed by all this and demands to know what’s going on. While this is happening, Draspher and I recover from the glass shards and I get him on my back. I jump out of the window, trusting my Cat Boots to cushion my fall but unfortuanatly I failed to prepare properly for Draspher’s weight on my back, and failing a strength check I drop him half way through my jump, him landing and cracking his knees on the floor. A quick healing from sim the rat and we start running. Ocelot ran as soon as he had thrown the bomb (still seeing the wizard block the spell) and so we had all made it out without a single fatality this time.

(during all of this, I point out that the guards don’t know that ocelot had done this, all they know is the anti-magic field went down, a giant centipede appeared and there was a huge explosion. After today, there is no possible way Draspher will ever redeem his name)

Part five, searching and explanations

4. Ninja san is understandably ticked at us. We went completely dark, the guy he sent to find us ended up unable to remember anything for three days and now the bank has been raided. Yurion gets him up to speed and he tells us that circumstances have changed, we need to get out now so he’s pulling us out. Hose’ (the lieutenant) has been killed died and the guard have seized his businesses. Yurion tells him that’s where we are all probably heading to and ninja san sends his men off to collect us, with Yurion warning him we will probably attack on sight as we are running.

1. Ninja san and Yurion both catch up to me, and aside from some funny looks from the whole group when I say “ow no, not again, can I please keep my pants on this time” I join them

3. Ocelot is confronted by one of ninja san’s agents. When asked to “halt friend” he attempts to shoot the agent. He misses and the agent is completely unflinching about his. As he goes to reload he finally gets the message and come with him

2.5. At some point while we were running, Draspher and I have both ended up losing each other. Draspher has been burning his invisibility’s and with only one left has made it to the sewer without being spotted by the guards or by ninja san. They make it all the way back to base when they discover that it has been overrun with guards. They luckily find their respective animal companions and decide to try and find somewhere else to wait. After shooting down Draspher suggestion of going to the first building he exploded they go to the first hotel. They find a single city guard and what looks like a guild member standing guard. They eventually decide to hang around on the roof. Draspher comes up with the cunning plan of drawing angel wings on one side of the roof and disguising himself as to be unnoticed. Eventually one of the agents happens to come across Sim sitting next to a poorly disguise sorcerer wearing a cloak wrapped around him with soot smeared across his face, gives them the code phrase and brings them in

We all finally meet up and discuss the situation. After hearing our explanation (during this Draspher is IC and OOC crying in the fetal position in the corner about how badly his reputation has turned, and how he’s really a good guy, none of it was his fault) Ninja San explains what’s going on. Hose’ is dead, he was killed by Mr Quinn as he was getting too noticeable. His operations have been seized but the coup is still ongoing. The fact that we were successful means that we have an in with them. The guild master will cover the gold himself and ninja san will return the gold we took (Draspher for a long time had made his intentions know of giving his share back to barty, undermining the DM’s attempt to get us back on a proper gold level after starting us at half gold, this was literally the only way he would allow himself to keep it) and we would deliver this and the marked printing plates to them in the capital. We couldn’t go immediately, we would have to wait a few weeks and then go in when their getting desperate. Although we couldn’t leave the safe house, we could buy stuff through his contacts. You know what that means…..

Part six, LEVEL UP!

We had about two weeks to acquire/make any upgrades we wanted. The DM was also interested in having us all have a craft system, but had not finalized how it would work. We were also given a large amount of gold by the guild, both to act as our “payment” from the heist and to help us flash some cash around. Still getting everything sorted properly but these are the feats chosen initially (will update with more info later)

Jaune
I got my kusarigama back and got the one end upgraded (couldn’t afford both) to a +1. I also got a headband of cha, a belt of dex and most importantly, a circlet of persuasion. I also got Craft alchemy as a skill and made myself several splash weapons and a few other alchemical toys to play with. As for Feats, I went with deceptive, I had been bluffing/disguising like crazy and so I massively boosted myself in my cha skills with all this

Ocelot
He decided to Invest in advanced firearms (house ruled so only one range increment touch), getting himself a revolver and a rifle as well as spending the time to make the proper ammo for them. He also got a beneficial bandolier for ammo and reloading. He now has four guns, a rifle for sniping, a revolver for rapid fire, a dragon pistol for backup/utility shots and the dagger pistol for melee. The feat he chose was rapid fire, meaning he can shoot three revolver rounds a turn giving him some much-needed firepower

Draspher
He got craft wondrous items and is now eagerly looking through the book for what items he can make for us in two weeks without risking creating cursed items. He also updated his spells, getting burning hands and charm person as level 1, summon swarm as level 2 and fireball as level 3. Now he can both live up to his own reputation and do some serious damage in combat. He also got combat casting as part of his bloodline so that he doesn’t keep getting punched again

Sim with an e
She decided to

Yurion
Decided to, with DM approval, get the “noble scion” feat at first level, meaning she can add cha to initiative. She also invested heavily into the oracle lessor ring of revelation, letting her get both mind drain and lore keeper (she never did much in battle so spending all that on a ring isn’t so bad for her). She now uses Cha for reflex saves, knowledge checks and initiative checks. She hopes to get the first round in encounters so she can buff us without us running off into combat without her getting involved


So that was our latest session. I am going to make an actual thread to chronical this and touch up the older posts as well.

EDIT: now a thread, check it out at http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?528606-It-s-not-our-fault-tales-of-the-guild-team-that-really-should-have-stayed-at-home&p=22140641#post22140641

[GuesssWho]

I just had the longest initiative tie ever. We rolled the same number with the same bonus and score, rerolled and tied again, played Rock Paper Scissors and both threw scissors and finally had to choose even versus odd for a third roll. It was ****ing amazing.

[TrT8r]

I can sum up my story pretty quickly.
Barbarians aren't stealthy. Nor should they try to be stealthy. But one did.
He tried to sneak around and attack the main threat from behind. He rolled a seven and was attacked by an ambush drake for triple the normal damage due to sneak attack.
Needless to say he went down quickly.

EDIT: I could have killed him. He was 1 death fail away, and a kobold could have hit him. I made him miss.

[TheYell]

(standing over Timmy's fresh corpse)

AXOS: OK gunslinger, we're leaving. Now.

GREY SUN: I'll go with you.

LENARIAN: OK, we were all in the house when we heard an explosion, right?

HAK: Nobody saw anything.

LENARIAN: That's our story.

HAK: Nobody mention the gunslinger.

LENARIAN: Yeah!

FIRUZ: I took Vow of Truth.

LENARIAN: @#$%

[TrT8r]

Frickin Paladins with their holy oaths and God's and whatnot :smallyuk:.

[TheYell]

Actually Lenarian was the paladin, Firuz was a monk.

It all worked out, I volunteered that it was all the fault of the fey (true), that Timmy had attacked us in the basement (true) and we were in the basement when he died (true). I said I didn't know what was going on (true) and I didn't know where everybody was (true). The captain asked if I expected him to believe a child had done all those murders, and I said it was 7 by my count (true). Captain asked if we were vigilantes, I said I just carried the tent for food (true-- Vow of Poverty) and the others wouldn't want me to speak for them (so very true). I said Timmy was probably mind-controlled by a magic teddy bear (true) and that I had been dominated by a teddy bear once (true). At that point the captain had me beat up a little because he didn't believe in the fey, and had everybody thrown in jail. Except the gunslinger who got away.

[IcarusWulfe]

My Artificer character from middle school was punched in the face hard enough to be knocked out and woke up with a new house (posting from phone, will elaborate later)

edit

tl:dr edgelord party members tried to do something nice for once to repay my character for loosing his house due to their shenanigains, they wanted their gift to be a supprise

So it was a campaign I was in back in middle school, when we were just starting to become more confident in the rules and had an awesome GM, but we were at the age where most of us wanted to play "kewl" characters, que everyone but me playing hood wearing edgelords. My character despite being the youngest of the group acted as "team Dad" organizing logistics, making items, and letting the murder hobos crash at his house/alchemy lab. One of the players ended up reenacting "The Most Dangerous Game" with an Astral Stalker that proceeded to stalk the party and bobby trap my character's house so that all the alchemical reagents would explode when its prey entered the building, which is exactly what happened. So after salvaging as much as possible from the wreckage, the surviving murder hobos decided that they should do something to repay me for my loss, so they drew up the plans for a fort and tracked down supplies for scrolls of stone wall and other useful building stuff, then being the low Int murder hobos they were decided they should make it a suprise, but as they couldn't get the stuff there without my character seeing it they knocked my character out with a punch and presented their apology gift when he awoke

[TheYell]

yes give the information

awesome!

[IcarusWulfe]

yes give the information

I did, edited it in to my original post

[TrT8r]

Just me and an Npc, DM controlled Dwarf. I am the violent Warlock I posted about earlier. So, we just killed an innocent goblin and I went to investigate her bag she was lugging around. I rolled a crit fail on it, and the DM said that there was a small string tying the bag shut that I could not unravel. So, the dwarven fighter decides to Axe it open. Cue another crit fail, the string isn't even scratched. I figure, hey, let's use my daggers and slice the string. Cue yet another crit fail. By this point we figure the string is magically invincible and we just cut the bag open.

Long story short; A common piece of string shrugged off daggers, axe blows, and attempts to unravel it by a generally intelligent character.

[EZCheez]

I was playing an ogre bard that, with my friends, was trying to break out of a prison after she was called as an escort to a military base that got ambushed. We broke out due to Halfhead Baldface Who had a 4 int and an 18 strength eating the door. When we broke out we had no weapons but a shapeshifting guard dog spotted us, me, being a former escort seduced it.... rolls a 20. Long story short we ended up in a cafeteria and if anyone walked in they got stunned and vomited. I ended up using my husband (the dog) as a mount for the rest of the campaign...

[TrT8r]

me, being a former esc'ort seduced it.... rolls a 20. Long story short we ended up in a cafeteria and if anyone walked in they got stunned and vomited. I ended up using my husband (the dog) as a mount for the rest of the campaign...

:smalleek:0_0:smalleek:
...D&D scares me sometimes.

[Lord Torath]

:smalleek:0_0:smalleek:
...D&D scares me sometimes.
Last Panel (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0249.html). Soooo much the last panel.

[Hackulator]

After hunting a powerful evil undead to the urban slum it was haunting, my paladin valiantly defeated it in combat!

Causing it's death scream effect to go off, a save or die save that I of course, easily made.

However, the hundreds of level 1 commoners within the massive THREE HUNDRED ****ING FOOT RADIUS OF THE SCREAM were not so lucky, they only made the save on a 20, meaning fully 95% of them died.

After realizing that by not learning more about what he was fighting before killing it, he had caused the deaths of hundreds of innocents, my paladin promptly turned himself in for murder.

To which the judge was like "look, ok, we'll punish you, but we REALLY need you to go finish that whole 'save the world' quest you're on first, ok?"

[TrT8r]

However, the hundreds of level 1 commoners within the massive THREE HUNDRED ****ING FOOT RADIUS OF THE SCREAM were not so lucky, they only made the save on a 20, meaning fully 95% of them died.

After realizing that by not learning more about what he was fighting before killing it, he had caused the deaths of hundreds of innocents, my paladin promptly turned himself in for murder

I would kill the survivors. After seeing a horrifying beast kill hundreds of friends and family, and then learning it was a Paladin fault, some would prefer to die (and the ones that don't, kill them anyways! :smallbiggrin:). But then again, the whole 'lawful good' thing...
I hate autocorrect.

[TheYell]

I'd blame it all on the undead and move on, but, I've always been a fan of the Dirty Pair.

[SirBellias]

Last session.

Characters:
Old Man Pete - crazy racist old gold miner that also happened to be a Barbarian.
Agnir Deathserpent - Dragonborn coming to the West Marches to gather new stories to bring to his clan (which has a strong storytelling culture).
Hyram McDaniels - Genre-Savvy Paladin of Ares (Character made before Wonder Woman came out).

So we returned from our last adventure with a cartload of silverware, a demonic egg and a gifted child/orphan. We sell off all our loot, and after that Agnir and Hyram (my character) are dealing with other business. Some not funny stuff happened (character plots), and we decided to wait for making any decision about the orphan until the Warlock came back (another player couldn't make it) and decided to leave her with that guy. Meanwhile, in the Tavern....

DM: "Old Man Pete, what are you doing while this is going on?"
Old Man Pete: "Taking a nap on the bar in the tavern, of course. There's a beer in my hand."
DM: "... Make a perception check."
Old Man Pete: *Botches*
DM: "... Roll 6d10."

At this point, Agnir and Hyram out of character both know what's going on, and we're certainly not about to ruin the fun. Eventually Pete finds out he's been robbed, and raises all kinds of holy havoc at the bar before receiving a tip from the local Thieves Guild that it was a rival gang hiding in a cellar and butting into their territory (The Entire Town). He finds us watching the tableau with interest and tells us he's just been robbed and we're going to knock down the people that did it. Agnir had some suspicions on who these people were (he was robbed for a lot more than Pete was a couple sessions ago), and sees a chance for revenge, and I, like all good Paladins in training, saw a chance to make, like, a lot of money, you know? So we thought we'd accompany him and maybe see if there's anything about this he didn't hallucinate.

So we thought we'd get the plan explained to us along the way, so we weren't standing in a crowded bar, or, say, outside the thieves' hideout. Pete didn't say anything until we got there and scoped out the premises: an abandoned building abutting two streets. After taking this in (A.K.A. assuming it since the player didn't actually ask for any sort of description beforehand), Old Man Pete explains his plan.

Old Man Pete: "Okay, see here kids, we've got the hideout here. I've made sure to pack this here Dynamite, and we'll blow these hellions to high Hades!"
DM: "... There's alchemists fire, which is kind of like dynamite, but a lot weaker...."
Hyram OOC: "And VERY expensive...."
Agnir OOC: "What are you actually holding?"
Old Man Pete OOC: "Oh well, three sticks, I suppose."
Agnir & Hyram: *Stares at sticks*
Agnir: "Maybe we need a new plan...."
Old Man Pete: "Right, new plan. You wait out front, me and FOUR EYES over here (pointing to Hyram, who doesn't wear glasses) will go into the back door, and we all burst in at once at my signal." *Waves stick*
Agnir: "This isn't a very good plan...."
Hyram: *Whispers to Agnir* "I'd use your discretion."

So we go back to the house and Old Man Pete throws a stick to the side of the house as a signal, upon which Agnir decides to walk around and and say he isn't going to do this, as he's feeling quite happy about life as a whole and doesn't want to lose it over pocket change. Hyram agrees, citing precedents of finding much larger piles of money in the middle of nowhere.

Old Man Pete kicks the door in and goes in anyways.

After a fair pause, Hyram goes around the house, knocks, and walks in. There's no one on the main floor.

Hyram OOC: "The thief DID tell you they were based in the cellar."
Old Man Pete OOC: "What? When?"

So we wasted an extremely long time preparing an ambush in plain sight of our would be ambushees in the wrong spot so nothing actually came of it. Wonderful character development, though.

Upon further exploration, we find a suspicious carpet (too clean).

Hyram OOC: "I check the carpet for traps."
DM: "The carpet? Nothing that you can see."
Hyram OOC: "No magic circles or anything inscribed on it? Boo."

So we lift up the carpet, and Old Man Pete throws open the trap door under it and gets hit by a volley of arrows. From a trap.

Hyram: "Always check for traps. This is a thieves hideout. After you!" *Motions Pete forward*

And so on and so forth. Eventually we murder all the thieves (one by one, we're all tanks) and make off with far more money than we were expecting.

Moral of the story: Barbarians are great meat shields, but definitely not great planners.

[TheYell]

FIRUZ: Did you two set fire to the execution platform before we escaped?

HAK: Yep! With my burning claws!

ROQUE: I called forth the fires of Sarenrae to ignite it!

FIRUZ: Nobody moved the unconscious guards off it though...

HAK & ROQUE: ....OH NOOOOOOOO

[goto124]

I'm suprised the PCs cared about the guards :smallbiggrin:

[GuesssWho]

. . . are you sure that Hyram McDaniels (http://nightvale.wikia.com/wiki/Hiram_McDaniels) wasn't the dragonborn?

[sahut652]

Here's a story for ya'
So I was running a campaign for 4 players, (2 casters, a monk, and a ranger). As a DM, I like to show my mental prowess by putting my players in a situation where the weakest enemies can turn into party slaying gods.
The campaign starts at level 5, and after a life threatening encounter of 4 shield guardians with nightmare mounts, that all of the players escape without a scratch thanks to the power of the NPC of Badassdom (I introduced a horrible insta-kill disease very early on, and none of them had any healing powers), they go investigate.
At this point, I need to explain the disease. It's spread through clouding the infected's judgment, and making them very sociable. The infected then explode. And I was yelled at profusely for making such a terrifying threat so early on. If you contract it, you need to get a con. save or have 15 minutes until your HP drops to 1 and you get drunk (What I like to call it) and go try to make new friends. Its not all bad, because the players also get a dex. save to dodge the fumes of the exploded.
Any way, a hill giant walks out of the forest with some pretty obvious hints of being sick (boils, hives, ect.) and the ranger gets the bright idea to shoot it point blank. They all make dex. saves, the ranger pulls off an emasculate nat. 20 and does a double back flip with a twist out of there. The others fail both the dex and con save. Then the "NPC of Badassdom" proceeds to slap the ranger in game, and the party slaps him out of game.
MORE hill giants show up, and the party runs in the opposite direction. This is the point where I turn weak enemies into terrifying forced of nature. A dragon shows up (Who fails to hit the party once) and some kobolds. The party, naturally, ignores the kobolds, and targets the dragon. The kobolds then proceed to bombard the party with rocks, killing one of them, and bringing the others down to 4 HP.

And that's the story of why my friends don't let me DM anymore. (I healed them all afterward, but it was still a butt clenching experience).

[Vessyra]

The party:
Level 2 half-dragon monk (Cywen)
Level 6 elven cleric (me)
Level 7 elven bard (Silverpetal)
Level 6 elven ranger (Montaxeal, everyone calls her Mont)

We were investigating a hidden pyramid, and after accidentally spitting up the party :smalleek: Cywen came across a silver chair in an otherwise empty room, and immediately sat down without doing any checks at all.

It was a disguised torture chair.

[TrT8r]

I was DMing, and the party was supposed to save a bunch of people trapped in a church. There were two groups they knew of, one battering the doors, one roaming in a mob. So as soon as the mob passes, the ranger and the rogue loose shots at a high-ranking cultist. Ranger crit fails, while the rogue get in a solid hit. The cultist then sends 4 kobolds to investigate the alleyway where the party was hiding. The rogue wins initiative, and says this.
Rogue: Being as awesome as I am, I string 2 arrows on my short bow, and hit both kobolds in front. My arrows fly through them and kill the ones behind them.
Me: :smallconfused:... Are you sure?
Rogue: pff, yeah, I can do that.
Me: (secretly adds on penalties) ...O....K..
(Rolls through penalties, rolls ridiculous damage)
Me: ... Wow. Ok. Kobolds 1 and 2 are dead, and your arrow wounds kobolds three as it flies through 1.
Rogue: told you I was awesome.
They managed to wreck the poor kobolds before they could even react. The cultists had no luck, either (curse you movement speed!). The high ranking cultist did almost OHKO the sorcerer, though.

[Vessyra]

We were being asked to investigate the FeyDark by some Fey elders, and they said that we could each have one object the]at we wanted. (in order to assist with our quest). So our half dragon sorcerer immediately declares that...
"I want an invisible pet ninja rock named Fred!".

And so the saga of Fred, the invisible pet ninja rock, began.

[Jaxter Gronaldi]

Our WHOLE GROUP was taken out by a SINGLE TRAPPED CHEST!

[TrT8r]

Our WHOLE GROUP was taken out by a SINGLE TRAPPED CHEST!

I'm interested. More details, please?
Anyways, in one recent fight my players 1-shotted a bunch of kobolds. Very time, I sung this tune...
Pop goes the kobold...
Slowly. Every single kobolds had it's head blown off/open.
Same fight; sorcerer tries to use Ray of frost. Crit fail.
DM (me): At the last second, you sneeze, covering your mouth with your casting hand, freezing the dwarfs beard solid and doing near max damage.
She also managed to get her dagger on the roof with another crit fail.
Highest she rolled that fight was a 2.
One more, same session. The barbarian was going 1 on 1 with a Half dragon, who, with a set of bonuses, could attack 4 times in one turn . Half dragon wins initiative, and makes attack one, hits, barbarian goes to 3 hitpoints. Then... he critfails. Imagine a well armed, buff, intelligent half dragon missing a 6 ft. Human. He hurts himself badly, and then goes for attack three. Another crit fail. Trying to regain composure, he puts a nice gash in his shoulder. Finally, on his last attack, he knocked out the barbarian, but we were struggling to stay on task at that point.
Also; the ranger got a ring that requires somatic gestures (flicking somebody off) and verbal components (elvish curse word) to function.

[proselus]

Alrighty, this story is mildly embarrassing for me, and nearly a Darwin Award, but here goes.

Setting is d&d 3.5, 16th level characters, high magic, high loot, extra boons, lethal encounters. We had a party of 8. We had a rogue type, a cleric buffer, a cleric debuffer, a mailman type wizard, a bard gish, a warblade dervish dancer, and some sort of monk/barbarian combo. Then there's me, a psion/wizard combo using a slightly modified version of the mind mage. My spells were typically utility, or used as fuel to boost my psionics. Fairly optimized party, combat was usually rocket tag esque.

Anyway, we are about to storm a tower full of enemy clerics, and the tower itself warded to the gills. As we get there, we start buffing the tar put of ourselves. I had somewhere between 15 and 20 buffs, but most relevant was changing shape into a sand giant. As we attempt to open the front door, a dimensional pitfall opens up, 30ft radius, and anybody falling in would be whisked away to another dimension, and possibly injured badly.

Preparations begin, as we plan who's moving across in what order, and I start sweating and frantically looking across my sheets. The wizard has wing grafts, the buff bot is half celestial, as is our dervish dancer. Our debuffer is half succubus, and our monk is a half dragon. The rogue and the bard lack wings, but got a magic carpet, and since they were small folk, both fit on. I have nothing. 15th level psion, 12th level wizard, and I've picked no spells or powers that allow flight. The wards on the tower prevent summons, teleport, and shape changing (among other things) and I was now a giant, too big to fit on our carpet.

I shakily raise my hand and ask "what's the DC to jump a 30ft gap?"
*dead silence*
"how can you not fly? Your barbarian can fly. We haven't needed to jump things in 10 levels. I have no idea, now we have to look it up"
20 minute derail, all because I forgot to choose fly.

[dehro]

1) we're on the plane of chaos, facing a bunch of Giths who are held in thrall by a succubus that controls the entire village.
We decide to help. As a means of defense, our resident warmage decides to cast mass fire shield on every member of the party.
The Giths are comanded to attach us. Each of them gets a hit in, dealing at best 1 or 2 hp of damage, then they are killed by the defensive fire-strike.
By the time we manage to somehow liberate the village, only the buildings are still standing.

2) someplace else, we need to enter a specific hut in a village of Duergar whom, you guessed it, are mind controlled by a mindflayer.
To defend our position inside the hut, the warmage puts up a wall of blades in ring shape all around the hut.
The Duergar are comanded to attack us.
a few rounds later, we're standing knee-deep in minced duergar meat.

The warmage is neutral, verging on neutral good... she's played by a lawyer (as in, an actual lawyer, not a rules-lawyer) who parlays her actions as non evil.
I'm not convinced.

[Jaxter Gronaldi]

The party was tryi g to open a chest with a shocker lock after killing a slime, and 1st: Me, the rogue/artificer, got zapped to.1 to. 2nd, cleric tries, zapdeath. The rangwr tries to slice.it open, sinks in, pulls out, crit fails chop check, rolls, gets the infamous you and one creature adjacent dies. Sorc and ranger dead. All that's leg is the druid. Dm rules in is knocked open. She goes and looks, and is hit with a poison, and fails the save.

[TrT8r]

So, I ran a session earlier today. It was hilarious.

Rogue: I want to sneak up on their camp.
Ranger: Me too.
(Both crit)
Me: So, Mitherang [the cleric] Goes to speak his plan to the rogue, but hears *poof* and can't see the rogue. Confused, he turns to the ranger, who is not where he was a second ago.
Sorceress: I want to roll too! (Fails badly)
Me: HE turns to the sorceress, who simply whispers "poof" and stays still.

Later.
ME to rogue: Ok, are you attacking with your shart... I mean... Crud.
Much laughter from everyone old enough to get it.
Me: Ok, roll for stank.
And finally.
Barbarian: I sneak up on the kobolds. (crits his stealth roll)
Me: Mitherang hears another *poof*, and the barbarian is gone.
Me: (OOC) Ok, you are 70 feet away from your group, next to 8 kobolds. What do you do? Choose wisely...
Barbarian: I attack a kobold.
Everyone: :smalleek:
Me: *sigh* a kobold is dead, and the 7 remaining kobolds are pissed.
Barbarian: I rage and attack another one.
Everyone :smallsigh:

The fight was going well, with the rest of the party attacking from a distance, when this happens.
Barbarian: I attack a kobold. (crit fails)
Me: your sword is lodged in a stone. Roll strength to get it out. (Crits)
Barbarian: I cut the [8 foot tall, 4 foot wide] stone in half!!
Me:... Really?
Barbarian: Why not?
Me: Ok, here's what WOULD have happened, if you could cut the stone in half. The rock breaks, and falls on you. You take 20d6 bludgeoning damage and the kobold's die. You are dead, dead DEAD!!! ...Please make a new character.
Party::smalleek:

[Vessyra]

I already posted this in another thread, but I feel it deserves to be on funny D&D stories:

First session of a 5e campaign, miscommunication meant that only 3 players could make it. They were:

Hasn't bothered to think of a name yet, the halfling ranger. (New to D&D)
Vax, the minotaur cleric.
Thaco, human paladin with a pile of hit points. (Me)

We were travelling along when we encountered a Shepard searching for his lost sheep. With my wisdom of 5, I ask Vax to throw me and the halfling into the air repeatedly, to search for sheep.

All of our healing spells later, the halfling and I are below half when Vax launches himself up into the air with a roll somewhere north of 20.

Unfortunately, as a paladin with a strict code, I had to do everything in my power to help my party. Which included trying to catch him. A minotaur falling from 30 feet up. When I was level 1. With less than half my hit points left.

A large amount of 1's on the DM's 10d6 damage and 2 failed death saving throws later, Vax stabilised the Pancake Paladin.

Total damage taken that session: 35

We found the wolves that captured sheep, and Vax had the great idea of throwing me at the wolves! Since I had rested and regained my hit points, I agreed.

So far, only two sessions in, I have been knocked out three times, taken more damage than the rest of the party combined, and failed six death saving throws. Still not dead yet.:smallcool:
Total damage that session: 36
I think even O-Chul would be proud.

[TrT8r]

Here's a funny.
My d&d session is so unreliable that I have not played in around 5 weeks.
At least i can DM...

[GuesssWho]

Here's a funny.
My d&d session is so unreliable that I have not played in around 5 weeks.
At least i can DM...
You mean 'sad.' That's sad.

[Hagashager]

Here's a funny.
My d&d session is so unreliable that I have not played in around 5 weeks.
At least i can DM...

my group can only meet around once a month, and that once-a-month only applies to a session within each month, not necessarily a month of time, so it ranges anywhere from 1-7 weeks between sessions.

welcome to the club :P

[GAAD]

So, uh, my party keeps butchering my boss fights in new, exciting, and noodle-implementish ways.

There have been five thus far. In order, they were defeated by:

A religious reformation, my own trap, and a whistle that can only be heard by gnomes.

A reverse-engineered Explosive Runes ritual turned binding circle, rocks covered in bug guts and poop, and a lawyer.

A giant hunk of cheese, a balcony, and a brainwashed militia bent on a vague revolution.

A ream of psychic paper, a dozen sticks of dynamite, and a Tenser's Floating Disc dressed up as a UFO.

A full kilometer of tripwire, an enchanted dress, and an impromptu ceramics lesson.

... at this point, I'm considering making a thread to chronicle their shenanigans.

[TrT8r]

You mean 'sad.' That's sad.

I posted that at 10:30 and I was still salty about it being cancelled. I should be able to play in a week or so.
Anyways, remember kids, don't yell at a blue dragon! (A lesson taught to my brothers barbarian [The hard way])

[Protato]

I have a lot. Among other things, my party and I fed a cocaine-filled squid to a black dragon and he then befriended us. Also, my alternate character has a talking skull that glows with light whenever he opens his mouth, and now serves as both a sidekick and a light source. There's more but these are the ones I remember off the top of my head

[DeTess]

So, uh, my party keeps butchering my boss fights in new, exciting, and noodle-implementish ways.

There have been five thus far. In order, they were defeated by:

A religious reformation, my own trap, and a whistle that can only be heard by gnomes.

A reverse-engineered Explosive Runes ritual turned binding circle, rocks covered in bug guts and poop, and a lawyer.

A giant hunk of cheese, a balcony, and a brainwashed militia bent on a vague revolution.

A ream of psychic paper, a dozen sticks of dynamite, and a Tenser's Floating Disc dressed up as a UFO.

A full kilometer of tripwire, an enchanted dress, and an impromptu ceramics lesson.

... at this point, I'm considering making a thread to chronicle their shenanigans.

Please do make that thread. I want to know what they did!

[GuesssWho]

Please do make that thread. I want to know what they did!
Seriously. WTF?

[GravityEmblem]

I, despite being a relative novice to the world of roleplaying, do have a few stories of my own.

I was doing a one-shot using pre-generated characters with people I had only just met. We were traveling into the Underdark to rescue a hostage. Our Rogue tried to open a door, rolled a 3, and broke his lockpicks.
Now, we had a predicament, beacause those were his only set of lockpicks. He tried to reach into the lock to get them back (not that it would do him any good, they were broken, remember?)
He rolled a one and sprained his hand.
I decided to use the "Fighter's Lockpick"-that is, breaking down the door. Natural 20 on the first try.
Me: I pull back my Warhammer, spin around to get momentum...and then gently tap the door.
DM: The door swins open.
Me::smallbiggrin:

[bulbaquil]

They say barbarians make the best trapfinders...

[TrT8r]

I should be able to play in a week or so.

Unless said group gets cancelled for an indefinite period of time and the closest group is 45 minutes away.
Whatever. I'll wait.

[AbusingWings]

I guess I will give this a shot.

I was playing an elf wizard in a small party of four. There was also a dwarf cleric, a halfling rogue, and a half-elf ranger. The party was in a dungeon clearing it out and had gone in after seeing a drow at the entrance. So the party was looking around trying to find this drow and kill it. My elf was particularly into killing him. The party had to do a listen check and the wizard and ranger heard noises on the other side of the door on one side of the chamber.

After a brief discussion and figuring it was not something good, I had a brilliant idea. I had just leveled up and had gotten the spell fireball. Lo and behold I found the opportunity to try it out. After going over the details with the ranger and DM it was agreed I could try my idea. The ranger went to the door and stood to one side. The cleric and the rogue stood behind the wizard. On a signal the ranger was to open the door and jump to the side as quick as he could then the wizard would shoot a fireball through the door and hopefully hit whatever was on the otherside.

I signaled the the ranger did what he was supposed too. Right as I was shooting the spell off I saw a group of dwuergar( I know I got that wrong) on the otherside getting ready to run in. I rolled to see if I could thread the needle and get the spell inside the other room and not roast us. I rolled high like and 18-20. The spell got to the middle of the group and detonated. The ranger then quickly got up and started hacking away only to find I had killed all of them and ruined the DMs plan for a big fight. Sorry not sorry.


Another fun one is I had just joined a group and rolled up a great sword wielding fighter. After nearly dying and being saved by the group I joined them and we headed out. One of the party members was a rogue named Balls. And in his backstory it is noted that he is extremely afraid of spiders. Having gotten the gist of the group I became a good member and a really good damager for the group.

We ended up going in this small dungeon and Balls ended up finding a hidden door and opened it for the group. Only there was spiders on the other side. Our fearful rogue almost ran out of the dungeon at that point. But the group got together and took out the spiders. Balls decided it was safe to come back since they were dead. My character was a little peeved that the rogue did nothing and decided to play a joke. I turned to the ranger and told her to get ready to shoot her bow. I grabbed a spider body and flung it into the hallway where Balls was standing. The ranger did great on her roll and pinned the body of the spider to the wall right in front of Balls. Needless to say he ran out of the dungeon and did not come back in.

[GuesssWho]

We are currently attempting to fight a mammoth that is inexplicably making SO MANY Dex checks. It's the Buttered Mammoth Incident. On the other hand, it critfailed three Wis checks in a row.

[Vessyra]

"Knock, knock"

"Who's there?"

"THE DOOR!"- The cleric summons a door with spiritual weapon and lays waste to our enemies

[GuesssWho]

. . . you can do that?

[JBPuffin]

. . . you can do that?

It does say "whatever form you choose..." so yeah, that sounds both hilarious AND RAW legal. Props!

[DonLouigi]

Okay, maybe it is time to share.

This is D&D 4, a few years back. I was part of the party, though I won't divulge which part. Not the thief.
Party Makeup:
-A Kenku with some sneaky class. I think assassin, but I'm not sure. Was the kind of "steal everything not nailed down"-type of stereotypicial roguish character.
-A Shardmind artificer, who was established as being really really bad at any kind of social interaction. Brilliant mind, but no people's skills.
-A Minotaur fighter, who just wants to drink in peace
-A Halfling ranger
All the characters have a shared background of beeing in the same bandit gang prior to the campaign.

We are in a medium-sized village in the only tavern and sneaky Kenku decides to go around pickpocketing as many people as possible, while Minotaur was at the bar working tirelessly towards drunkenness and ranger and artificer were in their shared room upstairs.
After a while, inevitibly, someone realizes, that their purse is missing. Kenku, being in full view of everyone, thinks, the best course of action is to use a teleporting power to leave the room.
DM: "Are you sure you wanna do this?"
Kenku: "Yeah, of course."
So from one moment to the other, directly after someone has announced that their purse is missing, the strange bird-man just disappears. Of course, he is now everyone's best suspect. And since he obviously legged it right after being done teleporting, who do the angry townsfolk turn to? The three people who arrived with the suspect.
The bailiff was called and he starts by questioning ranger and artificer in their room. Ranger, upon hearing what has happened, immediately declares "Never seen that guy before this morning!" and somehow amazingly manages to pull off his bluff check.
Officer turns to the artificer, who, as has been said, is not the best people person, and asks the same question.

Artificer: *stares uncertainly at ranger*
Bailiff: So, Do you know him or not?
Artificer: *still stares at ranger, obviously uncomfortable*
Ranger: Well, answer the nice man.
Artificer: *shrugs* All right. Yes, I know him, we were in the same bandit gang for a few years.
Pause, as everyone stares in disbelief at this incredibly self-incriminating line.
Artificer (OOC): What? My guy isn't good with people, and lies, and reading the subtleties of conversation. [Ranger] told him to answer, so he answered.
After a moment the scene can continue.
Bailiff: All right, there's definitely something up here. I'm just taking all of you in.

So fighter, ranger and artificer are taken to local jail, while Kenku remains still at large. To cut a long story short, when they want to disarm her, the Minotaur starts a fight, the bailiff and his two aids are killed and the party has to flee from an angry mob.

And then, when the three are in a camp in the wilds coming to grips with what happened, the kenku just casually strolls to the campfire again and says "Hi guys, what's up?". Cue the Minotaur trying to pluck his feathers and it taking combined effort from everyone else to stop her.

The game stopped shortly thereafter, but that incident is the reason I have, to this day, a strong (and probably unjustified) aversion against rogue characters, especially the kleptomaniac kind.

[TrT8r]

So, I was DMing with my family.
They had infiltrated the enemy's camp on a spying/reconnaissance mission, and they stood around for a while while taking count of the enemies. They drew a few suspicious looks, just standing around, so I called for a DC 5 charisma check so they wouldn't be recognized. Three out of five people failed. So, of course, they are captured, and the idiot sorceress admits that they were infiltrating the enemies base. Of course, they are stripped of their gear and shackled in a dirty hut under guard, to be executed at dawn. They come up with a plan (fire and illusions) and it works (my dice turned on me). They make a run for it and escape.
So, while they did rescue a valuable prisoner, they got one really crappy piece of information and almost died AS SOON AS THEY WALKED INTO THE CAMP.
And the worst part?
I had to give them LEVEL 3, due to a leveling rule. They got all sorts of powerful stuff for ALMOST DYING WITH NO GAIN. They will not get my pity for a while.

[Hagashager]

In my last session:

The Party had just finished fighting a cabal of radical druids who were going to sacrifice one of the party members to their warped view of earth.

Me: "After you untie Lactose, you all turn your attention to the alter, which, having had blood dripped upon it, shoots up the beam of light like you saw on its twin some miles away. They point to a location in the north." *The party makes their way to wherever the two beams of light are shining. The party makes no resting sessions or any other precautions.*
Me: "You come upon a very demonic looking portal, the outer rim of which is lined with blood-soaked flesh, you can feel bits of detritus and unsetting organic stuffs wafting out of the mouth of the portal. From within you hear a writhing voice screaming 'Work, damn you!'"
Runer: "I elect...the Druid goes in first" Runer shoves the druid through the portal.
Callous: *Failing her dex. check to not be shoved in* "Whoa wait wha-" *She is shoved in and immediately shot for 23 points of electrical damage as a crazed sorcerer at the top of a pedestal casts lightning bolt at her*
Callous: OOC "ooooooo, oh damn, wow."
Me: "What?"
Callous: *Shows me her current health, she had 24 hp left after the battle with the druids.* "oh...oh wow."

so yeah I nearly instagibbed, or rather, the party wizard, nearly insta-gibbed the party druid as a joke.

Runer was quite amused as the spasming, convulsing, electrocuted wreck that was our party druid when they all entered the portal after the sorcerer stopped being startled.

[TheYell]

Firuz the Blind Monk: Hak! Where are you!

Hak the Sorcerer: I cast Ventriloquism.

[Vessyra]

I was playing someone else's paladin while the actual player was busy. (Level 19)

We were several rounds into combat when...

DM: So, are you on maximum health?

Me: Yes... Oh wait, I took one hundred damage, I forgot.

(Facepalm)

[Vessyra]

Firuz the Blind Monk: Hak! Where are you!

Hak the Sorcerer: I cast Ventriloquism.

If Firuz does not yet know of the ventriloquism, I sense many laughs to come

[PsychoBear]

I've read this thread a lot, yet never contributed my own post to it. Here's one from a 3.5 game I was in a few years ago. Red Hand of Doom, I believe
My character: Garrr, Gnoll Ranger with very high DEX and STR, but low INT and WIS. Used a composite Greatbow, had Imp Unarmed Strike rather than a backup melee weapon. Had a badger named Girrr as an animal companion.
Other characters: It's been long enough that I find it hard to remember them, but they aren't important for the story

The party was fighting a pair of manticores near the wall of the city. Garrr was shooting at them and missing (I don't remember why, but must've been having consistently bad rolls, considering he had a good modifier with his bow).
After a few misses, he starts getting angry, picks up his badger, and throws it at the manticore.
Now is the part in the story where you would normally expect a Nat 20 and some epic badger mauling. But no. He missed. The badger flew over the wall and landed in a tree on the other side.

Later in the same fight, a manticore was on the ground, and out of his rage at earlier misses, Garrr runs up and starts punching the manticore to death (Imp Unarmed Strike), despite it still having considerable HP left.
Somehow, he almost kills the thing and it takes off in flight trying to flee. Garrr refuses to allow this creature to get away, launching an arrow at it as it retreats, killing it and causing it to plummet to the earth. Combat was over, but he throws his bow to the side, runs up to the beast, and starts beating on its corpse.
Once he was satisfied with his work, he rips a haunch off the creature, begins eating it, and walks away to the tavern. He later tried to cook the manticore haunch over the fire in the tavern, but only managed to burn it in places.

I was greatly considering multi classing into Barbarian for the pure rage he would get, but that campaign sadly ended due to the DM having to quit for personal issues. I hope to rebuild him sometime in the future

[PsychoBear]

Actually, I have another story I remember that was pretty good at the time. Might as well put that here, too, for chuckles. This one is Pathfinder.

The party:
Human Alchemist, Rowan Strayts: (Me) Dresses as a Plague Doctor, incredible modifier to Heal. Focuses on non-magical healing, as well as Alchemy
Undine Sorcerer, Radid O'Physh: Sorcerer who wears nothing but a loincloth and has enough strength that his tendency to want to punch people more valid than you might think. Also has an obsession with Fire spells
Human? Psychic, Anny G'Ma: Empathy focused psychic of some kind. A really nice person, but looks exactly like Megamind, but not blue.
Human? Oracle?, Monica: Basically looked like a little girl. I'm assuming she was an Oracle with that one curse/mystery which makes you appear as a child. Really dark kid.

The premise of the campaign was that we were all students in a magical academy, hence all players being some kind of caster class. We were near graduating, and had to set out on an adventure to research our thesis topic and write it.

The part was traveling down a road in a forest, and noticed through perception checks that each of them was missing a personal belonging. They see ahead of them a gnome retreating, carrying a large sack. The party gave chase, following him to a meadow full of flowers. Being a gnome, he was well hidden among the plants. Our sorcerer decides to use Burning Hands to set fire to the field to burn him out, with encouragement from my character. After burning away a section of the meadow, we see a hole in the ground that he must've retreated into.

While deciding what to do, a centaur ran up to us, brandishing a weapon, asking what was going on and why we set fire to this holy place (this meadow held religious significance and we were unaware). I rolled bluff and said, essentially, that we chased a thieving gnome here, who set fire to the meadow to cover his escape. OOC there was a lot of laughter had and the sorcerer backed up my bluff, corroborating with my story. The centaur believed us and allowed us to continue our chase, which involved us diving into the hole in the ground.

From then on, whenever we lied about something we did, it was a running joke that we blamed it on a gnome.

[dehro]

This happened last Friday.
We're playing epic characters, putting together an interplanar alliance to defeat the BBEG and her allies.
To gain Clangeddin's trust and his armies, we have vowed to clear out a sacred temple of his that has been invaded by common ennemies.
To fix things we must reach the holiest shrine, an artifact that has been corrupted, and purify it/stop the bad guys from using it.
After a few sessions of struggles, most of us reach the floor where the room is that we've been looking for.
We wander around until we stumble upon some kind of weird Stone/Earth dragon. Since we've spent most of our energies and spells trying to get there and not getting any rest, we're having quite a hard time. Also, a series of unfortunate events makes it so that we've lost a lot of equipment and are having to make do with lower quality stuff.
I myself am mostly spent, but since I'm a high ranking cleric of Bahamut I am duty bound to do all I can to defeat the dragon.
I have 0 chance to tackle him in melee and survive, and most of my spells have been spent, so I decide to pull out all the stops and cast Portal to summon an ally.
Not having time to bargain with a random and more powerful entity, I decide to summon a Dragon from Celestia, on the pretense that I've been fighting alongside them for ages so they'll just jump in the fray as soon as I summon them. Exept that by the time the summoning is completed, the Stone dragon has taken enough hits for him to decide to call it a day and melt away in the stone.
So here I am, standing around and having to explain to my ally why I called him to attack an empty hallway. This cost me 1000xp and one of my few 9th slot spells.

Some more wandering later, we finally reach the place we've been looking for, the shrine where the artifact is housed.
Gearing up for what we assume to be the final battle of this particular dungeon, I spend my last buffing spells and port ourselves beyond the sealed doors to the room.
Here we find ourselves facing not only a Red Great Wyrm and some kind of Earth/Stone Dragon, but also her boss, the BBEG herself.

Some trashtalking later, the battle begins and I find myself with very little chance to do anything, countered by a moral imperative to destroy the Great Wyrm. (also, I expect the other dragon is bound to join the battle in a few rounds)-
Unable to do much else, I come up with what I assume is a clever plan to possibly end the campaign without having to actually mobilize the entire multiverse. I rapid cast dimensional anchor on the BBEG, followed by expending a miracle to cast Portal again (at the cost of 5000 more xp on account of how I'm not supposed to be able to replicate 9th level spells), this time applying the other effect of the spell.
I cross the portal to Celestia, landing at the gate of Bahamut's castle, followed by a handful of evil mooks.
I quickly explain the situation to the wardens of the gate, who engage in battle with the mooks and then prepare to follow me.
In the meantime, in the room the BBEG and the Great Wyrm are taking some damage but seem to shrug off most of it.
My party members all think I've done a runner but are coping fairly well in the battle, despite their primary healer not being around anymore.
At one point the BBEG implodes, revealing that she's nothing but an illusion.
The next illusion manages to dispell my portal... so there I am, standing at the other end of a vanished portal.
I find myself obliged to cast yet another miracle to recreate the portal.
By the time I and my allies cross this portal however, the BBEG, this time not an illusion, casts a spell that allows her to manipulate time... so when I get in the room followed by 3 badass dragons, once again, the BBEG AND the Great Wyrm have vanished (my dimensional anchor was cast upon an illusion so it didn't take on the actual BBEG).

So, yes, we completed our mission, but twice in a row, I mobilised some very powerful allies only for them to land in an empty room.
Adding insult to injury, this cost me a total of 11.000xp, not a great deal at these levels, but still enough to see everybody else in the party level up except myself.
I fully expect that should I try this again, my fellow dragons will accuse me of crying wolf and leave me hanging.

Tl;Dr I spend a crapton of XP to summon allies to fight empty rooms, look like a fool and can't even level up

[Vessyra]

I previously posted the story in which I gained the nickname "The pancake paladin". For those unfamiliar:

We were travelling along when we encountered a Shepard searching for his lost sheep. With my wisdom of 5, I ask Vax to throw me and the halfling into the air repeatedly, to search for sheep.

All of our healing spells later, the halfling and I are below half when Vax launches himself up into the air with a roll somewhere north of 20.

Unfortunately, as a paladin with a strict code, I had to do everything in my power to help my party. Which included trying to catch him. A minotaur falling from 30 feet up. When I was level 1. With less than half my hit points left.

A large amount of 1's on the DM's 10d6 damage and 2 failed death saving throws later, Vax stabilised the Pancake Paladin.

And now to the stories:

We were dungeon crawlin' and or minotaur had gotten caught in some wires. My character draw his blade to free his ally...
DM: You successfully cut through the wire. However, you then hear a rumbling sound as a boulder comes rushing towards-
Me: I CHARGE!
And yet, after 27 damage, I still had more hit points than anyone else in the party (We're level five)

Our cleric has found limitless uses for spiritual weapon (door).
Enemies: door slam
Pit trap: door bridge
Locked door: summon the door on an adjacent wall
Boulder crushes paladin and is quickly rolling toward you: just... door

[Vessyra]

Three stories today:

#1: when the gunslinger was introduced, our halfling ranger said, "Hey, why don't you sell those guns? We could make a fortune, even create a country. And we shall call this land America". Our ranger failed the persuasion DC by one.

#2: the necronomicon is a book that drives the reader mad. Our warlock of Cthulhu found it, and instead of burning it, replaced the cover and gave it to the cleric. My paladin rolled perception to notice this.
And got a -2. (Tip: don't have a 5 wisdom if you're also not proficient in perception). Now my character think's that he's a duck.

#3: Our warlock had found a key (to Cthulhu's cell, but we didn't know that yet). The warlock asked the DM what the key unlocked, and before DM could answer, the ranger said, "It's the key to my heart..."

Summary: tried to found America, got an insane paladin, and the key to Cthulhu's cell is also the key to our ranger's heart

[Vknight]

So not a true funny story but a funny outcome.
In the grand melee I ran it had, for a tournament 2 Major NPC's, 7 Nameless NPC's, and 4 PC's in it this huge fight that went on for well over 10 rounds as it was in part a free for all between all these various characters the higher up the ranks the better your prize and loot.
At the end of it all the winner was the one character without a melee weapon in the Brawler type character using gauntlets.
The duelist, PC lost
The pirate, PC with a large bastard sword lost
The NPC with a tower shield and heavy armour lost
The 2 nameless knights in full plate lost
The 2 nameless knights with spears with breastplate and shields lost
The NPC with a greatsword and berserker stuff lost
The duelist/mage, PC lost(no magic in the melee really helped with that), but they still made it to the final 6
No of all these badass characters wielding dangerous weapons or a non-lethal version of them and all of that, just added up and the person who won is the brawler. Yeah I know this huge collection of stuff and it was a fantastic fight and end too it. The only sad thing was the duelist being salty about losing and only getting 3rd(they could have gotten second but because they glory hounded they did not)

[Vessyra]

I DMed for the first time on a one-shot that was just me and one player. The player was playing a rakshasa sorcerer 1/cleric 4/true necromancer 8 named I Don't Know.
I had thought that I Don't Know would spend quite a while asking questions to discover the clichéd dungeon villain's lair, have a battle with the guards, and lose a heap of health to the traps. However, that's not at all what happened. The player managed to find the location of the dungeons within 10 minutes and bluffed past the first set of guards. I figured that the traps would not be so easy... but they were. Mechanical traps: extended fly means that none of the pressure plates were touched. Magic traps: detect magic saw them coming a mile away. Heavy steel door with a riddle: dimension door. The monster's didn't fare much better. The warrior-types were all melee, so I Don't Know just flew up to the ceiling and battered them the spells. The casters were even worse, as I Don't Know had spell resistance 35. Finally, instead of arriving at the final room battered, bruised and out of healing spells, I Don't Know arrived at the final room with a heap of loot, two skeletal servants and down only one cure moderate wounds and five potions.
Then the BBEG and the goon squad (BBEG+2 humans+2 iced devils) arrived, and it was in fact revealed that I Don't Know had been tricked into activating all of traps, and lead them right to-
Mass hold person. Saving throws of seven, five and three paralysed the BBEG and half of the minions. The BBEG was slaughtered in two rounds, one of the ice devils never hit once, the two minions that were paralysed couldn't break free, and the last ice devil tried using cone of cold to blast I Don't Know but only overcame spell resistance once, on a nat 20... then it turned out I Don't Know had cast protection from cold. So I Don't Know his two skeletal minions ripped the boss battle apart
It should be noted that there had been an imp that kept on bugging I Don't Know. It had never done any damage, but it kept on teleporting away until I Don't Know locked it down with a dimensional anchor spell. With the BBEG dead, it negotiated for it's freedom... then went over the centre over the room and grabbed a hidden staff. THE IMP WAS THE BBEG ALL ALONG, AND NOW IT HAS AN ARTEFACT, THE STAFF OF METOER SWARMS! BWAHAHAHAHA! I also gave the staff a caster level of thirty to overcome that darn spell resistance of thirty five that I Don't Know had. On three out of four rounds of ensuing combat, meteor swarm to the face! was actually rolling a 34 against spell resistance 35. On the one round that I did overcome spell resistance, I rolled... 25, 22, nat 1 and 25 against touch AC 26. While the imp's level 30 meteor swarms kept on bouncing off of the Face of Steel, I Don't Know just piled on the disintegrates and quickened inflict light wounds until the devil was dead
TL;DR: single player breezes past all puzzles, avoids all traps and books, annihilates the BBEG, then the real BBEG shoots meteor swarms at his face for 4 rounds and does no damage. At all. The dice have betrayed me. The BBEG never rolled above six. Not once.

[Spicy_Burrito]

So I'm DMing a Steampunk, floating island, type game. On the second meet I created these pills that have you roll on a d100 table of random effects (Some are from "Totally Random Magic Effects Table - Angelfire.") What happened next was absolute chaos. Everyone in the party(except for the cleric who was the designated driver for obvious reasons) would take the pills basically every other second. There were good things that happened (ie, being granted a wish,) or there were bad things that happened (ie, only being able to see the color green for 3 days,) but things eventually took a turn for the worse. What happened first was Death coming to claim someone. So the character challenged Death that if he couldn't answer a riddle. Death agreed. The character's riddle was "What will happen when i eat this pill?" So Death guessed and the character ate the pill. Now you need to remember. There was a 1/100 chance that he would roll what he did. 24. Fireball. You cast Fireball centered on yourself. So there they were. On a wooden airship. With the Grimm reaper. Everyone barely alive. With the ship on fire. I ended up having a fire elemental put out the fire and give them a talk about non recreational use of fire as the Grimm reaper disappeared assuming that they were going to die soon anyway. Now you'd think that after something like that happening they would stop taking these pills. No. 51. Resurrection? The nearest dead thing becomes resurrected in it’s current form (eg. a bear skin rug would become a live bearskin rug) food doesn’t count. I couldn't stop laughing when one of the characters got in a fight with their leather pants.

[PsychoBear]

The Evil Bard: "This battle will be my masterpiece. The horrors of battle shall be accompanied by the ringing of warbells, the songs of dying screams, the drumming of blades upon shield and the thunder of thousandfold arrows whistling through the air, letting out a thump as they penetrate the bloodied armours of couragous men. I shall accompany this death's sonata, this requiem of life, possibly as my last action, and I shall be thrilled with every deathly moment of it. Now, friends, comes the day of the red harpers final piece."

It may not be a funny story, but that is a really awesome speech.

[TrT8r]

Ever seen a mushroom kill itself?
That happened.
It was a sad day for fungus kind.

[dehro]

Ever seen a mushroom kill itself?
That happened.
It was a sad day for fungus kind.

I bet whoever came up with that plot twist was a fungi..
:biggrin:
I'll go hide under the table, now...

[TrT8r]

My stepsister was confused when the violet mushrooms (that I described as fungi) weren't actually 'fun guys'.

[Vknight]

Not a D&D story but I'm incorporating the idea into the next time I run Pathfinder or D&D.

So my gf has been playing the new Shadow of Mordor video game, and well here is the story of 'The Machine'. This takes place over multiple play sessions of the game
And I think it would be perfect for a game where the players are either immortal or semi-immortal what have you.

His actual name is Tarak and he is an orc that has done a lot.
In her first encounter she killed 'The Machine' by cutting off his right arm.
Probably an hour later he returned angry and biting for vengeance this time she during the battle throws him off a ledge for the 'kill'.
So we both has a laugh and she continued too play.
Probably between 2 and 5 hours later he returns now with a piece of metal strapped to his jaw and a new immunity to arrows. Another hard fought battle that ends in her victory over him(cutting off the same arm) but then her death to a underling continues the game.
So now she is a little skittish because we are not sure what can or will kill him, besides removing his head.
Going into it we are making jokes about the machine only for during a mission him to ambush her at which point she explodes him 'killing' him for the 4th time, so I say that he should hopefully stay down this time and we talk about me playing the game too hunt and kill him for her.
So then we are are moving right along when 'The Machine' ambushes her with a new eye-patch on and scares the crude out of her and they do battle this time he kills her as he's gained 'No Last Chance' and wrecks her day, the poor thing.
So now the machine has started too even up the score, with 1 kill by his hand and being directly involved in another.
Now then her goal becomes track down and get revenge and she does it cutting him in half so we both assume that will work like beheading... nope probably and hour or 2 later he shows up as a unknown captain and has gotten himself a Dire Caragor, joy and fortune for him. Tracking him she attacks and finds out he rages from any injury now, yeah well this time thankfully he was not on his steed too bad though as he still proceeds too kill her with a thrown dagger.
He's making up for lost ground now, with 2 Direct, and 1 Indirect : Meanwhile she has killed him 5 different times.
So they come up again as she's doing a mission and she triggers his one fear and he's gone as well he's riding a Caragor and she can't keep up. So no victory for either side and things are a toss up as the orc with her on the mission turns traitor during it.
With how much of a thorn he's been she goes too hunt him down again killing his Caragor and with timely assistance from a archer she cuts him open again along the gut.
Your thinking it yeah he's down? Nope he's back during the next mission she does not 20 or 30 minutes later with a huge gash thing along his chest. They square up she has beaten him more times but is shivering a bit poor thing and they do battle sadly though this time 'The Machine' prevails more closely evening the score. But more then that it does the time lapse of for events and 'The Machine' proceeds too kill the Warchief becoming the new master of the fortress for the area we are currently in.
This causes her to have a brief panic attack and after some comforting we closed out the game for the day.
So now its all almost all evened up 6 to 4 and the thing is if she does not recruit him here he's gone because as a Warchief if he dies he stays dead and cannot return.
Now the plan is tomorrow for her too try her hands at him.

So my idea from that for D&D for a fun story is too have a Orc show up periodically through the campaign to do battle with the players. As the orc has gotten contingency raise dead on himself, now then throughout the campaign the party is gonna encounter, fight with or against him throughout it and no matter what the goal is his death too re-appear each time just as a side things nothing major.

Though it also reinvigorated my want too run a game where the players are semi-immortal like highlanders for that added interest too what one could do with it.

[Critical3rror]

Now this was an intentionally short 2-3 hour campaign. As such, rules were, well, flexible. Beginning with character creation, this was pathfinder by the way, we could choose any class, level 2. But the GM chose the race. I ended up as Versio Benanichi, the halfling barbarian. My friend, the only other player, was Ulgroth Effinbeard, the dwarf ranger. We began working out stats, choosing skills, all that, when the GM tells us, oh yeah, you have 4 minutes left to make your character, anything not written down you don't get. Neither of us had feats of items, including armor and weapons.

We started in a mercenary guild and we had to go to a town two days away to meet the requester. Our first course of action was to get some armor and weapons, as luckily we wrote down our gold. We go to the blacksmith and the GM rolled to see if he was open which he was. Ulgroth asked for a great crossbow and a chain shirt. The smith said that'll be 185 gp. Now I know he's getting ripped off, but he takes it without a second thought. When I ask for a chain coat and greatsword I try to bargain, he crit fails counter diplomacy, I get it all free.

We then look for food and the general store is closed. The inn is closed. In fact, it was apparently a miracle the smith was open as the town was on holiday. In fact, the smith immediately closes. So we had to go two days, and neither of us had food. So I suggested we try to hunt around town. We see a wood in the bushes and I know right then, if there's one wolf, there is more than one wolf. So I tell our ranger to shoot it. One problem. He forgot it buy bolts for his crossbow. Still not wanting to approach directly and get ambushed, we throw rocks at it. Ulgroth misses, I hit, and three wolves come charging at us. Or rather, Ulgroth. He could only use his crossbow like a club. He dies, I get out fine.

And thus appears Ulgroth Effinbeard the Second. We meet and wonder who this imposter who just died was before quickly dismissing it and heading to the next town with our wolf meet, completely unperturbed by this. Unfortunately our first encounter is a troll who wants us to pay the troll toll, so we give him our meet, but now we have no food. This leads into our second encounter. Something approaches from behind and we turn around to find... an unassuming fox.

Now, knowing our GM I knew immediately that he would pull some bull**** on us if we attacked it, but we needed food so we attack it anyway. And miss. And miss again. Ulgroth hits it with his crossbow, not with any bolts, and the fox reveals itself to be a kitsune whose honor has been insulted by the blow. They begin fighting, but I'm left out of it. I just shout encouraging things like, "Just don't kill each other." To which the kitsune replies "This is a battle of honor, not death." So I sit out just fine, when the kitsune crits, instantly killing Ulgroth on accident, apologizing, looting the body, and leaving.

Then down the path appears who else but Ulgroth Effinbeard the Third. Again wondering for little more than a moment why there are so many Ulgroth imposters, we carry on. Now we still had no food so we try foraging and come up with barely enough to feed one. Ulgroth lets me have it, takes the starving penalty. The next day we carry on.

We encounter, one at a time, three and people in tattered rags who apparently had their homes burned down by bandits. I have them a good each and Steve, John, and Jacob moved on. Then an officer of the law appeared, asking if we'd seen three criminals, Alexander, Michael, and Stevenson, which I mentioned the previous trio. But he's sure it's not them, the names are wrong. But he's suddenly suspicious of us. Eventually he attacks me, we fight, and it ends when the three men I gave coins two come back, kill him, and as they're leaving wink, saying, "We're all criminals now, right?"

I panic, we hide the body leaving his 15-20 crit range rapier, called Raccard's rapier, since it could be identified in town. We do take the food though. We head into town, I tell the guard that three criminals killed an officer of the law and find out... he was just a performer, and the guards don't care. At all.

Ulgroth goes to a blacksmith to get bolts, which that blacksmith didn't have, but he did get a free dagger, though he continues to use his crossbow as an improvised weapon anyways. I go to the mercenary guild to find out who our employer is. It's some performer named Raccard. He's well connected though, comes from a wealthy family. We panic a bit, but decide to fulfill his request to find his sister whose been kidnapped anyways.

We take the request from the parents, and a guard of the house tells us to check her room first. We do. I rolled perception high enough to see that the room was disheveled. "Alright, search this room for some evidence as to who might have taken her!" Ulgroth who got a nat 20 grabs my head and points it towards the gaping hole in the wall. "Excellent my dear Watson!"

I look outside to discover a trail of destroyed trees through the forest leading away from the manor. We cautiously begin to explore. And from behind appears... Anna! The girl we were looking for. There's just one problem. She's a huge raging hulk right now. We try diplomacy, which fails. I get hit. I know I can take maybe two more hits, so I decide to flee despite the fact that less than a minute before I had explained why fleeing was an bad idea. Ulgroth flees after me. We both have the same movement speed, both get hit when she catches up immediately. I have 8 HP left, Ulgroth has 3. I make the best call I can. I push Ulgroth into the raging hulk and book it. I look back and say, "I'll give my regards to Ulgroth the Fourth!" and watch as a single tear runs down his face, before his head is squashed like a grape.

I get a head start, and eventually hide, before successfully sneaking back to the manor. I inform them of the situation (aside from Ulgroth's) and they decide the only course of action is for 6 wizards to burn the forest to the ground. I get payed 100 gold, and return to the mercenary guild.

But there's an air of unease. Raccard's body had been found with greatsword wounds matching my own bloodstained weapon. They ask me if I did it. Knowing I had no way to bluff I admit it, expecting the GM to give me karma for my betrayal. But before I can finish my excuse I'm bought drinks and given a free carriage ride back to town, since apparently he was molesting orphans and no one could do anything since he was backed up by his family.

I returned home lauded as a hero as Ulgroth's ashes lay in the forest. And that is the tale of Ulgroth Effinbeard the Unlucky and Versio Benanichi the Betrayer.

[JamesDodds]

Adventures in a 10ft wide corridor. One side is a wall and the other is an approaching gelatinous cube.

The cube swallows the gnome. The barbarian swings into the cube and accidentally kills the gnome.

[TrT8r]

Never try to attack a tenth level wizard in his own office... especially when you're a level one Warlock.

[dehro]

new campaign in a dragonlance setting- Iìm playing a noble character, one I'm actually building with levels in the noble class.
for background reasons I spent almost every GP that was given in my budget, so when the adventure started I was in dire need of finding a well paid job. One other character was also something of a noble, at least by background, but saved most of that character creation coin.. the other 2 characters either don't have much to spend on or reach the extreme of not having much of a concept of money and therefore try to pay for everything in rabbits they hunt for that purpose, whilst carrying around those strange pieces of metal people keep giving them.
I'm honour bound to not take advantage of them.
so when we found a well paid little adventure/task, I thought things were looking up... except of course the job revealed itself to be a bust.
Never fear, the guy who recruited us (only to frame us as accomplices in a murder plot) still decided to pay us the agreed upon sum.. only for the other noble to throw that money back at him and proudly declare we wouldn't take his ill-gotten reward.
My character was less than happy about that move, but couldn't disagree with it.
This is all the more galling when the personal mission my character is on is to restore the family fortune... at this pace, I'll starve to death... or be forced to start hunting rabbits myself.

[TrT8r]

We were invading a party (Me, rogue/warlock 1, and B, rogue 2), and we were tasked with assassinating this one guy, plus whoever else at the party, with an waterborne pathogen. We decide that smoke bombs would do the trick, along with the 'scroll method'. The way that that worked was, I would lower a silk line into the guys drink and poor the pathogen down the line. But first, we had to get in. B pretended to be a dancer, using his cloak of displacement to add effect. I just used slippers of spider climb and walked up a wall, into a window. When I get in there, people start coming in, so I hide atop a bookshelf. I roll a crit fail for stealth, and I am spotted. One guy starts yelling for his secretary, Percy, to alert the guards. I ran outside the door and killed Percy, imitating his voice well enough to pass bluff. I bury his body under floor boards. I roll to put them back with disadvantage. Guess what I roll? A CRITICAL AND A CRITICAL FAILURE. Of course, the other guy sees me, and I kill him too. Meanwhile, B is being interrogated by an undercover guard. She rolled at LEAST 3 Nat 20s during the interrogation, not to mention various 17s, 18s, and 19s. With a few EXTREMELY luck rolls, B gets out O.K., abeit with a broken nose. Fast forward, I find scaffolding and an access to the dining hall. B is up in performing. He passes his checks with Flying colors, only rolling less than ten twice. I lower the line and get the poison in, he detonates the smoke bombs, and runs out. I was proud of myself.
Then, the giant spiders came.
A lot of spiders.

[Jerrykhor]

Yesterday's session, my party walked into an inn, and saw 2 dwarves playing a drinking game. I looked at my druidess' CON score of 12, and i was like, yeah whatever, i will challenge those dwarves to a drinking contest. A few other NPCs joined in too, including a barbarian. Everyone chipped in 10 gp to the pot, and it was at 60 gp in total. I only had 17 gp, and I thought to myself, what was I thinking? Beating dwarves and barbarians at drinking, when they have massive CON scores compared to mine? But I was in the mood for doing something stupid, so I went ahead with it.

In the end, I won due to the 3.5e alcohol and intoxication rules. It works like this: Every round we roll a CON check (DC11 because common ale), if fail, take 1d2 damage to DEX and WIS scores. Whichever score reach 0 first, you are out. The DC goes up every round after the 1st. Sure my CON was mediocre, I failed it almost every round. But I had plenty of DEX and WIS (16 and 19 respectively), so I was able to tank the ability score damage until all of them passed out. It was hilarious to see a young savage girl who grew up in the wilds outdrinking burly men haha.

[Darokar]

I once climbed inside a giant frog an cast thunderwave. It blew up. Moral of the story? When ever you're fighting giant frogs or toads, make sure you have a spell that expels a great force. If you do, climb inside it and blow it up.

[Lord Torath]

I once climbed inside a giant frog an cast thunderwave. It blew up. Moral of the story? When ever you're fighting giant frogs or toads, make sure you have a spell that expels a great force. If you do, climb inside it and blow it up.This is why the "Chews Food Thoroughly Before Swallowing" ability is far more powerful than the "Swallows Whole" ability. :smallbiggrin:

[Vessyra]

We were doing a level 20 5e one-shot set in lord of the rings during the first war against Sauron. So after a few hours we found Sauron and stabbed him until he died, then stabbed him until he died again. So the rogue/paladin decide to take the ring, but was immediately dominated, so I knocked him out. Out of character, I was warned, "Don't grab the ring, I'll dominate you", to which I replied cheerfully, "Don't worry, I have an AWESOME wisdom save!":smallsmile:
Natural one.
So then Elrond through us both into the lava. (We survived and became very annoyed)

A while later, I decided to run a one-shot of my own. 3.5, level 14. At the beginning, one of the players asked whether he could have knowledge (physics) as a skill. It ended killing cultists on the moon and chatting with Bigby.:smallconfused:

[Samwich]

Just last night, some friends and I were starting a new campaign at level one. After doing some service for the town, we were asked to investigate an old barrow. It had the usual supernatural shenanigans going on, strange noises, unearthly light, blah blah blah. So we decided it was ghosts pretty much instantly, but we had no way magic weapons to hit them. Suddenly, the gnome ranger got an idea. He reasoned that while the ghosts might attack us, there was no way they would attack other ghosts! So he stole some sheets and disguised the party by draping the sheets over them, Charlie Brown style. None of us thought it would work, until he got a nat 20 on his persuasion check and made some convincing ghost noises. The other ghosts believed we were ghosts as well, and let us stroll right through the barrow until we found the artifact that had haunted the place and removed it.

[TrT8r]

I need an answer ASAP
How do I prevent a tamed rust monster from rusting everything that gets near it? Would an enchanted cloaked work?
I am seriously doing this.
Xaar will have his pet.

[DeTess]

I need an answer ASAP
How do I prevent a tamed rust monster from rusting everything that gets near it? Would an enchanted cloaked work?
I am seriously doing this.
Xaar will have his pet.

They rust stuff to eat it, so maybe keep it properly fed? Also, maybe make a seperate thread for this?

[rooster707]

I need an answer ASAP
How do I prevent a tamed rust monster from rusting everything that gets near it? Would an enchanted cloaked work?
I am seriously doing this.
Xaar will have his pet.

Kill it, stuff it, mount it on the wall.

[TeChameleon]

It depends on your DM- with a quick check of RAW (for 5e, at least), blindfolding it would work, since it apparently needs to see what it's rusting, or... encasing its antenna-ends in blocks of wood, maybe? Or at least restraining them somehow? Not sure that's a great option for a pet, but it would prolly keep your metal doodads safe-ish...

[Lord Torath]

I need an answer ASAP
How do I prevent a tamed rust monster from rusting everything that gets near it? Would an enchanted cloaked work?
I am seriously doing this.
Xaar will have his pet.Something like this (http://rustyandco.com/comic/29/).

[MintyNinja]

Last week we were wrapping up our 1876-Colorado-Hateful-Eight knock-off game when I finally got to shine. I was playing an alcoholic prospector named Bastion that was traveling the road to California post Gold Rush. We were all stopped at this roadhouse due to a storm and OOC it was pretty clear that the "proprietors" weren't the rightful owners. A lot of stuff went down and this isn't a total recap but the gist is this: I basically sat on the sideline for most of the game being cheerfully drunk and useless.

During the final session, while about half of the PCs were saving the horses in the barn from a wolf attack, the "Proprietors" slipped their bonds and came back downstairs. They ambushed the crippled kid, another PC, and took his rifle. At this point, Bastion rouses himself and seeing the situation, pulls his pickaxe and a stick of dynamite, threatening to blow them away if they hurt the boy. They back away towards the door but keep the rifle trained on him. They demand the cash box from my side of the counter and I failed the Bluff roll to say it was already stolen. They ready the gun and he gives in.

He sets the pickaxe on the counter and bends down to the cash box. Some whispering with the GM later and he trots out from around the counter and hands it over. Of course, the GM asks for a Luck roll, which I failed. The woman gets a horrified look on her face and runs off while the man with the rifle stares dumbfounded. Bastion tosses him the cash box and ducks behind the table.

At this point, one of the players that was outside of the room turns to me with a look of realization on his face and says, "You Looney-Tunes MotherF-----r!" And then the GM proceeds to describe how, from outside, there's a roaring boom in the still night, as a corner of the Roadhouse explodes in shrapnel and debris. Inside, the other players find the man with the rifle has been thoroughly gibbed, there's a small fire where the stove was, and while Bastion had a silver dollar punch through the table and bruise his chest, he and the kid were fine. Honestly, it was a damn good payoff to a game full of other people's drama.

[dehro]

I'm playing a down on his luck noble who is striving to restore his House's finances (and failing miserably, so far)... My idea is to try and be understated, possibly anonymous, unnoticed and so on, as I go about completing tasks and quests with my companions.
It turns out that when you travel with a Solamnic knight, an elf, a half-elf and a dark robed wizard, it's kinda hard to keep anonymity.
Everywhere I go I seem to get recognized by the very people I'm trying to shy away from.:smallsigh:

[TrT8r]

It depends on your DM- with a quick check of RAW (for 5e, at least), blindfolding it would work, since it apparently needs to see what it's rusting, or... encasing its antenna-ends in blocks of wood, maybe? Or at least restraining them somehow? Not sure that's a great option for a pet, but it would prolly keep your metal doodads safe-ish...

I successfully tamed it, and it has already saved my life. Me and my partner were fighting a gelatinous cube, which then proceeded to knock me out with a pseudopod. I was quickly dragged out by My rust monster (creatively named rusty), who got me to safety. I lost my arm due to acid, and, with a lot of DM intervention, I survived. Oh yeah, and I am going to sell it's juices as a cleaning agent, as it only dissolves biological matter.
On a side not, I intimidated an owlbear and made it retreat to some cave, instead of fighting it. Also, we found a displacer beast, which my partner is trying to "Tame".
At any rate, Aside from losing my arm, I had a great time!
PS. I worship an archdevil, but I need my arm back. I have a hat of disguise and lots of charisma, could I convince/trick a priest into restoring my arm?
EDIT: Chose the name on a whim, it is not based off of anything.

[GuesssWho]

Not even Rusty&Co?

[Malacandra]

A funny piece of social roleplaying from a campaign I wasn't in but heard about:

The Accidental Wedding
The PCs are guests of honour at a society wedding. In fact, the Witch and the Paladin are, respectively, chief bridesmaid and best man. They are having to try and jolly things along because the bride and groom have had a falling out and are not speaking to each other. A dear old soul of a Bishop who is conducting the ceremony is not only blissfully unaware of this but is elderly, a little confused, and slightly deaf.

The Witch has been looking after the bride's wedding ring and has accidentally got it stuck on her own finger, for which it is a couple of sizes too small. She is trying to remove it, with the aid of the Paladin, while the pair whisper at each other furiously over this annoying incident.

WITCH: Will you get this @#$%ing thing off my finger? :smallannoyed:
BISHOP: mumble mumble mumble mumble so long as you both shall live? :smallcool:
PALADIN: Well, if you stop wriggling all the time I WILL! :smallfurious:
BISHOP: mumble mumble mumble :smallcool:
PALADIN: Aaargh, woman, you never help! :smallannoyed:
BISHOP: mumble mumble mumble mumble take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? :smallcool:
WITCH: Oh yes I DO! :smallmad:
BISHOP: (beaming seraphically) I now pronounce you man and wife! :smallcool:
WITCH and PALADIN (together): OH NO!! :smalleek::smalleek:

[Vessyra]

Monk: I hide behind the cleric
Cleric (me): I HAVE ONE HIT POINT!

Later,
Me: So, a monk is is always treated as armed, right?
DM: yes
Me: So a monks body is treated as a weapon?
DM: yes...
Me: I have a spell that shrinks weapons and stores them in my sleeve

[DarkFather]

We used to have a player who was the WORST at everything he did. He would do needless, reckless, senseless things in game that randomly got his characters, (and others' characters) killed, cursed, or screwed on a regular basis. This was 1E/2E. But I can see the humor in much of it. Case in point:
Characters:
Robo the Paladin (me)
Martigan the Fighter (Antonius)
Klaw the Assasin (Jim)
Banquo the Thief (Fred)
Jun the Cavalier (Bob)
Nanuk the Paladin (Nate)
Krill the half-vampire bugbear (don't ask) with questionable class (Adam, the problem player of this post)
DM (Tom)

Our characters were doing a standard dungeon crawl adventure module that was 1E (cannot recall the name), but we were using 2E characters and rules. We happen upon a room with only one doorway, but no visible door (should have been a hint right there). In the middle of this otherwise-empty room was a normal-looking wooden table with about 8 gems of different colors atop it (again, suspicious).
All the characters except mine entered the room with no hesitation (true paladins know no greed). All the players and their respective characters told Adam, and his respective character Krill, to NOT touch the gems until they could study them closer and glean more information about them (i.e. check for traps).
Well, Krill, paying absolutely no heed to anyone, grabbed the red gem that was on the table. The doorway was suddenly blocked by what I can only describe as vertical "magic laser bars".
All the players and characters shouted in unison for Krill to stop, and do nothing further. Krill then THREW THE RED GEM directly at the "magic laser bars" successfully hitting one of them. The gem EXPLODED upon contact, and the DM rolled to see who was hit by the flying schrapnel.
Well, Martigan, who was the "lucky" winner of the "schrapnel-to-the-head award" failed his Constitution save, and was knocked out cold. The players and their characters now yelled even louder for Krill to not touch anything else. Krill now proceeds to immediately grab the blue gem. The walls on either side of the room start moving towards the characters. The players and their characters continued to shout for Krill to touch nothing else. Paying not the slightest notice to party or imminent peril, Krill now grabs the green gem. The ceiling of this room now starts collapsing towards them.
Ignoring all the hysterically screaming characters that are all around him, Krill grabs the purple gem. Now spikes appear on the still-moving walls. By this time all the characters are bellowing like rabid bull apes for Krill to stop touching gems.
Still not one to learn from his mistakes, Krill then grabbed the black gem. Now tons of sand starts pouring into the room from the still-collapsing ceiling.
Within a matter of seconds Adam's bumbling character Krill managed to set off a containment-trap, knock out the only person in the room that was capable of getting them out of it (Martigan), cause the walls to compress towards the party, collapse the ceiling, spike-adorn the aforementioned already-deadly moving walls, and cause suffocating sand to fill the room (which stopped the walls, spikes, and ceiling collapse, but smothered to death all the party members in that room).
The only reason that he did not set off anymore traps was because the sand buried the remaining gems so that he could no longer see them to grab them. Had it been possible for him to continue grabbing gems, I guarantee you he would have set off every single death trap in that room.
My paladin spent hours digging the characters' bodies out of that mess before somehow bringing them back to life. The other players were so angry at Adam and his character, but all I could do was laugh my head off.

[dehro]

on one hand, this is hilarious... on the other hand, why did nobody try to tackle the moron away from the table? acting instead of shouting their heads off might have saved some of them.
I'd say everybody (except you maybe) is at least partially to blame for the near TPK on this one, including the DM for not making everybody roll for initiative and make them realise they could have done more

on another note.. what was the player's excuse and was it good enough for you guys to keep playing with him or did you kick him out?

[Casimir-Ivanova]

Godbound campaign:
It's not so much a linear story as more our Gnome artificer with the words of Artifice, Knowledge and Earth trying to break the DM in multiple ways.

Belwar: I make a set of binoculars to look at the city.
DM: How are you making them in the middle of a field?
Belwar: I use a multitude of sticks and grass to make them.
DM: How are you making the glass?
Belwar: *long pause followed by innocent voice*.... Wishful thinking?

Oberon: So how often do you get attacked out here?
DM (as villager) Once or twice a month.
Belwar: I can fix this. Castle. *uses word of Earth to bring up a castle from the very ground*
Oberon: *looks outside* You do know that after the fourth or fifth time, it's loses it's shock value?

Oberon: *using Sun power to see through a dense wood at a bunch of hiding were-wolves.* Belwar, could you let them know we know they're there?
Belwar: Sure! *a stone sign arises out of the earth in front of them, with the words* We can seeeeee you. *engraved on them*
Oberon: *pauses, as the wolves flee* Not exactly what I had in mind.

*Belwar has been making a 20ft causeway of stone through the forest due to an earlier incident with some vampire thorns*
Oberon: *as we approach the elven city* Belwar, could you take us back down to ground level, before we alert and scare the elves?
*an arrow whistles from the nearby trees and embeds itself in Oberon's shoulder*
Oberon: *sighs and lifts his arms in surrender* Never mind.

[DarkFather]

on one hand, this is hilarious... on the other hand, why did nobody try to tackle the moron away from the table? acting instead of shouting their heads off might have saved some of them.
I'd say everybody (except you maybe) is at least partially to blame for the near TPK on this one, including the DM for not making everybody roll for initiative and make them realise they could have done more

on another note.. what was the player's excuse and was it good enough for you guys to keep playing with him or did you kick him out?

Our DM (Tom) did not like Adam or his ridiculous antics any more that we players did, but he ALWAYS made sure that his stupid actions resulted in his character having to pay the maximum penalty. Tom was not the type of DM to throw ANY player out of his Dungeon, but he certainly believed in allowing them to be made to suffer the consequences of being a moron.
And you noticed the obvious problem in the "Gems of Doom" story. The other players/characters TOOK NO ACTION to stop Krill's ridiculous behavior. Because no one called this, initiative was never rolled, leaving Adam's character free to continue being a total screw-up.
Adam/Krill seemed to think that, "If I grab just ONE more gem, then all of this perilous danger occurring to my party, to which I am completely apathetic toward, will somehow no longer matter".
And the characters in the room with him seemed to think, "If I yell at Krill just ONE more time, THEN he will not grab any more gems".
Adam made no excuse for his actions, and did not even attempt an explanation or an apology. And my paladin had to use a Wish spell or something to bring them all back. And I received no thanks for it from Adam either.

[dehro]

http://frostpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/facepalm-bear.jpg

[HubbMcLovin]

After completing the final encounter of our campaign, my party, consisting of a Half-Elf Ranger (myself), a Half-Orc Barbarian, a Tiefling Rouge, and an Aasimar Bard, began looting the area.

Our Barbarian found a +1 Magic Longsword and both our Bard and our Rouge wanted it. Having already successfully seduced multiple creatures and a couple non-living items, the female Bard decided the best course of action would be to expose her breasts and try to use them to get the sword. Not willing to give up the weapon, the female Rouge followed suit.

Our poor, dumb, male Barbarian didn't know how to handle four breasts staring him down and he looked to my Ranger for help. Knowing just what to do, I went up to my party members and said,
"Ladies, ladies. Can you please calm your tits?"

The party died laughing, but our DM was fed up with our BS at that point.

Somehow, a lighting bolt came down into the underground complex we were in and killed me. It was a fine death.

[TrT8r]

My wimpy kobold monk got critically bit by the avatar of a god, almost killing him at max hitpoints.
Then, with one Nat 20, he was back up, and beating the crap out of the God.
:smallcool::smallcool::smallcool:

[Braininthejar2]

Vampire the Masquerade campain

One-legged Brujah with high celerity.

[Fire Tarrasque]

I'll just give the story of my name. I don't really have stories I that can be told via forum.
The party enters a dungeon. Fight through a few pretty basic enemies, and then they reach of room crewed by a few smoke mephitis and a buffed fire elemental.
Cut to a few turns in, no one has been knocked out, the mephitis are dead, and our Dwarven Monk takes a swing at at the elemental.
He misses.
His response:
"Oh my god, are we fighting a Tarrasque in Fire Form????????"
This has become so much of a meme that we now have a character played by a different player who believes in the Tarrasque in Fire Form as a god.
My group is weird.

[Thaumic]

I've told a piece of this story on another thread, but I feel like it needs to be put here.

The characters:
Eli Brandyboots, Chaotic Evil Halfling Sorcerer (Me)
Conner Dynamar, Neutral Evil Human Warlock
(There were several others, but none are important to the story)

We were playing a low-level dungeon crawl, and had just defeated a group of skeletons. The DM informed us that after the battle ended, a panel opened in the wall, revealing a chest. Connor was absolutely obsessed with loot, and was closest to the chest. He opened it, and inside was a perfectly cubical blob of green slime (we never found out what it was for, it may have just been random). I had gained inspiration a while back for making an OOTS pun (I can't remember for the life of me what it was :smallmad:), and I asked the DM if I could use it to cast Mage Hand fast enough to grab the slime before Connor could get it. The DM allowed this, and a few Investigation checks later, we still have no idea what it does. But before someone could cast Identify, Connor decided Eli needed to be punished for stealing his (useless) loot. He bashes Eli over the head with his magic shield.

Now this shield was called, I believe, the Shield of Guarding. It had nothing to do with guarding. Instead, it caused a random, potentially very overpowered magic effect. In the past, it had turned a high-level monster into a unicorn mount. It could have been game-breaking, I now realize, but Connor's player rarely showed up and it was really just used as comic relief. So anyway, Connor bashes Eli over the head, and this is the resultant conversation:

DM: Okay, let me roll on the random effect table... oh gosh.
Party: ...
DM: Eli, there's a huge flash of light, and... you're turned into a woman.
Party: Bwahahahaha!
Me: Permenantly?
DM: Heh. Yep.

In a completely uncharacteristic flash of quick wit, I asked the DM if my sexual orientation also changed with my gender, to which he responded in the affirmative.

Me: Perfect. So, Connor... *Moves Suggestively* ...are you doing anything later?

It was hilarious, trust me. The newly-renamed Eliza constantly taunted Connor, whom never gave in to her romantic pursuits. In fact, I think he only ever showed up for one more session...

[Casimir-Ivanova]

Vampire the Masquerade campain

One-legged Brujah with high celerity.

Bob, aka Robert Holmes in my campaign. A Sabbat Salubri, known for having all 5 ranks of Obeah. As an NPC was not killed for being a healer because, in the words of his sire "He is too damn useful." When I took him over, I spent a year maxing his Obeah and Celerity stats, and got him to Fort 4. Decent marksman, plus healer.

Now, the funny part. The ST's had this plot line going. The One Ring of a Chinese Emperor had been stolen by a bunch of werewolves, they were going to gift it to the volcano spirits to curry favour and have them destroy the city, ending the game. The Sabbat as a whole went to negotiate, but the volcano spirits considered anyone on a path evil. So me, two Brujah, a Tzimisce who was basically the closest thing to a Camarilla power manipulator we had in the game, and a Gangrel had to go down there and negotiate. That negotiation became a fight between 3 werewolves and an unknown spirit. They preferred melee, Bob does not, so half the fight was Bob using Shepherd's Watch to protect himself and his Brujah allies while simultaneously healing said allies, as the werewolves kept bouncing off the bubble.

As one volcano spirit said after the fight: "I name you my champion, for the most defensive offence I have ever seen." :smalltongue:

[Braininthejar2]

I read the story, expecting it to be a set up for some kind of Eye of Sauron joke :smallcool:

[CosmicHobbit]

I already put this(Sort of)in the famous last words thread, but I thought I could put the whole story here.

We were playing the Lost Mine Of Phandelver, and we had reached the Young Green Dragon. The Barbarian and Fighter both had the good sense to hide and try to attack it from a range, and everybody but me, the Paladin, and the Cleric had gone. I thought, "Hey...I'm a dragonborn...maybe I can reason with this beast!" I know, I know, not the smartest. Anyway, on my turn, I stepped out in front of the dragon and yelled, and I quote, "Mr.Dragon?! Can't we just talk about this!?" I roll persuasion, which I have +5 to, and...2. So, the dragon sprays me with poison, which I fail the saving throw on, and I start rolling death saving throws. Or I would have! The Cleric went after the dragon, and he brings me back up to half health! The DM lets me move my Paladin behind my rock as I make a mental note to myself that dragons don't take kindly to dragonborns.

Not sure if you think that's funny, but I think it is!

[Darksendro]

This is the thread for my groups campaign and whilst it isn't 100% accurate and he sometimes dislikes when we get one over on him. RPF does write it up well and.... yes, draspher is just as ridiculous as the stories. Most sessions we wonder what **** he is gonna get us into...

It-s-not-our-fault-tales-of-the-guild-team-that-really-should-have-stayed-at-home (i would post link but i have only just joined so i can't, its easy to find though)

I'm Ocelot by the way.

[Illogictree]

Sit around, friends, and let me tell you the tale of how our foolhardy brave party of privateers bested a monster 10 levels higher than us with a cantrip.

I don't know if this is precisely funny, but this happened two weeks ago as the last session of our steampunk airship campaign in Pathfinder. This campaign is on hiatus while we play a different one, but we have promises that we'll get back to it eventually.

It begins with our employer Redhorn giving us our orders for our next mission. We are to break into a vault and steal as much stuff from it as we can, somewhat like our last task except much more difficult.

She isn't kidding. The vault is the one where the city guard locks away impounded magic items, and it has been recently upgraded, supposedly the most secure vault in the city.

Well, we concoct a plan. Redhorn bribes a guard to place a couple of bags inside the vault without looking too closely at them. Now, these bags are a set of Bags of Holding, a type of magic item that carries much more stuff inside than they appear on the outside.

And the stuff that was on the inside was our party: Darthoridan the gunslinger (me), Tesh the gnome fighter, Braelorne the halfling oracle, Baki the... tentacle thingie melee monster, and Phage the dragon.

So we are inside the vault now, and have free reign to stuff as much as we can into our extra Bags of Holding we brought with us. Well, except for the trio of robot samurai that were in the vault as guards. They were a reasonably tough fight but doable.

Anyway, the time comes for us to exit. Our original plan was to stealthily open the vault door from the inside and sneak out using disguises and potions of invisibility.

The plan had to be this way because the vault is warded against teleportation.

Anyway, we open up the vault, and guarding the entrance room we find... this guy guarding the door. (http://fav.me/d7vlemw)

This is a Cannon Golem. It is a CR 15 monster, 15 feet tall, adamantine armor, with a battleship cannon for an arm and an endless supply of ammunition.

So basically Megatron.

Like most golems, it's immune to any magic that allows Spell Resistance, so most attack spells can't even touch it.

The only way to damage it is to use weapons made of adamantine, which we have in limited supply.

After it shoots Baki a couple times as we try to get past it to exit the vault, we retreat under cover of a smoke bomb and hatch a plan.

One of the magic items we found in the vault was a set of Boots of Teleportation. Now, we can't teleport from inside the vault, but the room directly outside isn't so protected. Braelorne can cast a spell called Sanctuary, which prevents enemies from attacking whomever it's cast upon unless they make a Will save. And ALSO doesn't allow Spell Resistance.

So what we do is, everyone except Braelorne get back in the sack, he puts on the boots of teleportation, and casts Sanctuary on himself. And he tries to just walk past the golem, all nice-like.

UNFORTUNATELY the golem makes its will save, and blasts him, taking him into the negative hit points.

Now, just in case things went wrong, we'd left the bags open, so we piled out again and hauled him to safety and healed him up. So, with nothing else left to do, I, Baki, and Tesh attacked the golem head-on while Phage fumbled around trying to use a scroll of Rusting Grasp (a spell that corrodes and damages things made of metal).

Now there's a peculiar habit our oracle has picked up, possibly stemming from the time we took on a pair of fiery golems and a salamander. He knows a cantrip called Create Water, which is a spell so weak it doesn't even use up any of his magical resources to cast. And he's taken to casting it and dousing new monsters we fight in case it does something to them.

Our DM had forgotten about this peculiarity. And also, until the very moment Braelorne started casting it, that Cannon Golems have a slight problem with water.

You see, if a Cannon Golem gets wet, its cannon misfires and it has to spend a round repairing it.

So, since Braelorne can keep casting this spell all day if he wants, the Cannon Golem suddenly can't attack us at all and it's too dumb to retreat, so we just spend our rounds shooting and slashing it with adamantine weapons until Phage finally manages to cast Rusting Grasp and corrode it into useless chunks of metal.

Well, then it's a simple matter of piling back into the bags and teleporting back to base, where we learn that we had been hired BY the City Guard to test their new defense systems. And... we'd just managed to not only rob them blind, but also destroy said defenses.

Also Redhorn won a whole lot of bets that day. And we got to keep half of what we stole from the vault.

And that was how we reached level 7.

[dehro]

Last I knew, you can't breathe in a bag of holding...other than that, that sounds like a fun night of gaming.

[martixy]

I have a funny story that happened just an hour ago.

So my players are travelling via ship from parts known to parts unknown.
A thick fog rolls in and in the morning they find a giant flotsam ooze has attached itself to the ship's belly, preventing them from pulling anchor and sailing away. It isn't like a terrible menace or anything, it's an ooze and completely mindless. Just waiting for anything to come within range of its blindsight to snatch an eat. It would have detached on its own in a couple of days and moved on. This was an encounter where the easiest solution was literally to do nothing. But you know how PCs are...

They were practically ready to wait it out. But then this NPC comes along that the PCs have taken a liking to - a curious little monkey child(and by monkey, I don't mean figuratively. Well, not literally either, more anthropomorphically). She's exceptionally curious, comes over to see what the commotion is about. They pull her away from the area where the thing can snatch people from the top of the ship. Fine so far. But being curious, she decides to scale the mast and scoot along the horizontal sections suspended from it(I have no idea what they're called) to get a better look from a safe distance. Now, her being a monkey, she's pretty good with balance, so there is absolutely zero chance of her falling. Again, had they done nothing, things would have worked out. But no... my dragon PC decides to fly up there and scold her for doing such things/bring her down. But being a dragon, he's not terribly good at flying(even small dragons are clumsy fliers, if fast), and if he wants to do any of that he needs to make a hover check, that's a DC20(I've changed a couple of the Fly DCs from basic pathfinder in my game). He fails this by the skin of his teeth. I ask him very carefully - do you want to make a reflex save to catch yourself on the loosely hanging section the girl is standing on? "Yes," he says, "of course!" He makes that save. With all his weight jerking on the section, forcing a balance check for the girl. She didn't really need a lot to hang on - like a 6, as I said, she's good on her feet(and tail). Except she rolled a 2. And since the ship is listing off to the side with the big blob attached to it, she's now flying straight into the water, and into its clutches.

There was an amusing little battle scenario after that, where the whole party dove after her to save her. They did manage it, as they rolled well on initiative and the ooze was mindless, so went for the biggest, juiciest target which in this case happened to be my mimic PC(large size). I say amusing, because the ooze had the "adhesive" special ability - which is exactly the same thing my mimic had, so I got a kick out of subjecting him to the same medicine he dished out on the poor little mooks I usually threw at the party.

PCs doing things man...

[The Random NPC]

The horizontal parts of the mast is called the yards, with the section closest to the mast called the bunt, the part furthest called the yardarm, and the part in between those called the quarters. And I have no idea why I know that.

[enderlord99]

The horizontal parts of the mast is called the yards, with the section closest to the mast called the bunt, the part furthest called the yardarm, and the part in between those called the quarters. And I have no idea why I know that.

Cashmere fabric is named for the city of Kashgar in Western China, the word "orange" meant the fruit before the color (but originally meant the tree that fruit came from) and a squirrel's pregnancy lasts 37 days.

[The Glyphstone]

Last I knew, you can't breathe in a bag of holding...other than that, that sounds like a fun night of gaming.

I think a bag, by default, has enough air for 10 minutes of breathing by a single medium creature. But that might be for a Portable Hole instead, I don't remember.

[Dimers]

The horizontal parts of the mast is called the yards, with the section closest to the mast called the bunt, the part furthest called the yardarm, and the part in between those called the quarters. And I have no idea why I know that.

What a silly bunt. :smallamused:

[TrT8r]

Cashmere fabric is named for the city of Kashgar in Western China, the word "orange" meant the fruit before the color (but originally meant the tree that fruit came from) and a squirrel's pregnancy lasts 37 days.

Cats can run at 40 MPH, squirrels can't get rabies, and scooby doo is a great dane.

[enderlord99]

Cats can run at 40 MPH, squirrels can't get rabies, and scooby doo is a great dane.

I'm pretty sure squirrels can get rabies just as easily as any other mammal. They just usually die to something else (such as the thing that just bit them) before showing symptoms.

Either way, a change in acceleration is "jerk," a change in jerk is "jounce," and A Change in the Weather is 4.7 on rotten tomatoes.

[Celestia]

I'm pretty sure squirrels can get rabies just as easily as any other mammal. They just usually die to something else (such as the thing that just bit them) before showing symptoms.

Either way, a change in acceleration is "jerk," a change in jerk is "jounce," and A Change in the Weather is 4.7 on rotten tomatoes.
The atmosphere on Venus is so dense that you could generate enough lift to fly by flapping your arms. Modern science and engineering has no idea how bicycles actually work. Oxen are incapable of seeing their own hind legs. If you fell into a black hole, you would see yourself dying before dying.

[Illogictree]

Last I knew, you can't breathe in a bag of holding...other than that, that sounds like a fun night of gaming.


I think a bag, by default, has enough air for 10 minutes of breathing by a single medium creature. But that might be for a Portable Hole instead, I don't remember.

We had bottles of air (http://www.d20pfsrd.com/magic-items/wondrous-items/wondrous-items/a-b/bottle-of-air) in the bags that we passed around. I left out some bits and things that happened in the session to streamline the story.

[EkulNagrom]

I guess I'll share one of my stupid stories:

The actual story happened purely because of my silly character idea I had. Guy Handsome, the beautiful blond Ranger Elf with long flowing hair and a Longbow, which I fired from my hip. I would flip my hair immediately after I said something, and my Ranger "Favored Enemy" type was 'Women' so I had advantage on tracking and spoke their language (the language of LOVE). The only thing I ever did that wasn't "Look at my reflection" was shine the Paladin's armor every night. That way I could look at my reflection in his armor as we walked.

My DM thought it was funny at first. Then he got bored of it and in an encounter against some pirates I was attacked by a cutlass-wielding madman who cut off my hair.

I dramatized it. I moaned and cried and prayed to every deity that the other party members worshiped. Then I prayed to myself, because I was the most beautiful deity of all. Then, as part of the story, I found someone who had the magic power capable of fixing my hair.

Naturally, the spell backfired and I was cursed with baldness. Then I derailed the entire campaign for an hour as I forced the party to find me a wig without actually showing anyone my head.

It became a running joke through the rest of the campaign. Every time I did a hair flip I had remember to tell the DM that I wanted to hold onto my wig. The female Paladin's response to all my cheesy pick-up lines (Hey Baby, are you an Angel? Because your smile is dealing radiant damage to me.) was to stuff my wig down my throat. I even convinced a group of Kuo-Toa to worship me, because they caught a glimpse of my baldness as I hair flipped and decided that something so ugly had to be divine.

Those were good times.

[Drelua]

I was playing a Pathfinder Society game as my Barbarian, who gets 2 claw attacks and a bite when he rages. We're walking through an alley, when suddenly a swarm of rats crawls up out of the sewer and attacks for some unknown reason! So naturally, I rage and attack, as Barbarians do. My 2 claw attacks don't quite do it, so I used the bite. That did it, so I stopped raging and started spitting out bits of sewer rat and wondering why in the abyss I just did that.

That Barbarian's fun to play, he likes books because killing people's easy, but reading? Now that's a challenge.

[TrT8r]

Short story from a homebrew campaign.
So all of the other players are new, and are in 6th to 9th grade. As such, the DM has put us in a learning area.
Also known as a jail. Without magic. Or weapons and armor.
Anyways, we need a key to escape, so we get our equipment (after breaking out, of course), and find a closed door. After solving the puzzle by throwing the gnome in a nearby tar pit, we go to confront the warden of the jail.
At this point, it should be mentioned that my character was abused by his father all throughout his childhood, until his father was executed. It should also be said that I use a whip as my main weapon.
I, being the only experienced player, go in first. The warden uses magic to assume the appearance of my characters dad, to try and psych me out.
I simply screamed "WHO HAS THE WHIP NOW?!?!!" And whipped him across the face.
We took a few moments to recover and get back on topic.

On a side note, don't stand on a sorcerer.

[Vessyra]

The players had recently set fire to a necromancer's house, and as the players watched from afar, one of them turned to me (I'm the DM) and said,

"So, the roof is made out of slate, which is sort of rocky, right? And it's about to collapse?"

Me: "Yes, it is slate, and it is sort of stoney"

Player: "Rocks fall, everybody dies"


It is also a new campaign (and my first time DMing), and it's so funny how much they managed to do in the first session. For instance: Tom Cruise now exists in my D&D world

[DonLouigi]

All Right. This happened in our last D&D-5 session. Centerpiece of the story is a rather minimum-communication moon druid.

The Party was exploring a cave network and saw a goblin, who had seen their torches and was now running from them. The druid decided that the best way to pursue was as a large spider, because they can climb walls and were pretty stealthy while still combat-effective.
Problem: He did not tell his colleagues about his strategy. He had never even explained what wildshape entailed exactly. They had seen him change form before, but only into a bear and while I think they at one point had talked about him being able to also change into a cat (for scouting purposes), they were definitely not used to their comrade becoming anything other than a bear.
Since they had not given a marching order, it was determined via dice that the druid was bringing up the rear. So the next thing the party knew, a silently stalking large spider overtook them walking on the ceiling and scuttling off into the darkness in front of them. When they turned, their fourth man had vanished and no trace was to be found. First they were contemplating attacking the spider, but as it had ignored them, they didn't want to provoke it. So they started doubling back, looking for their druid, of course not finding him.
Druid, meanwhile, did not catch the goblin but could see an encampment of enemies a little ways behind a corner so he decides to wait at that corner for the party and draw a skull with the spidery net ability as a warning (since it was ruled that no, this would not be precise enough to write words).
The party came back, thinking now that maybe the spider had eaten their comrade. They were additionally confused because they interpreted the drawn skull as a threat, but the spider made no attempt to attack. So now the Barbarian sat down and cast his speak with animals ritual, while the other two carefully watched and guarded the spider, that facepalmed with two of its leg and then proceeded und klick its legs impatiently. After the ritual was complete they could finally ascertain that the strange spider was, in fact, their lost brother-in-arms.

[Wildstag]

This story takes place in a game played during a road trip. On the way back from Seattle in July of 2014, four friends crammed into one Prius decided to play a road-trip game on the way back to D.C. The names will be abbreviated as T, A, C (narrator), and I (will be bolded for the story to differentiate from the personal I).

T had the idea of asking A (who was our dm) if we could roll d20s for stats. A accepted under the condition that you roll once and keep all the results. T rolled amazingly high, with only one score below 10 (which he put in his Charisma); he played a Kobold Grapple-Monk. I rolled pretty average, with only one high stat (which he put in Charisma); he played a Half-orc Draconic Sorcerer (for flavor, he was born with the scales). C rolled three great scores, two abysmally low, and one average; he played a Dwarf Plant-Growth Druid with a 3 Dexterity and 5 Charisma.

T's kobold was a wandering monk who was on a quest to become strong enough to wrestle and defeat a devil that killed his kobold tribe. I's half-orc was an illusionist that made money playing minor tricks on the street for dwarves and humans. C's dwarf was the mining-town farmer that grew mushrooms from the town's waste. He always kept a few stashed in his beard and he often smelled of the waste he clumsily fell into. He grew poisonous mushrooms that were edible to dwarves but almost deadly to the humans in their town a few miles away. Oh and the dwarf also wore a beerhat.

The meat of the story picks up when we were trying to cross a mountain range. Because of his high Constitution score and his single Barbarian level, C's Dwarf was often the front-liner, letting one or two people get by so T's kobold could grapple one and I's half-orc could kill the other with his greatsword. While crossing the mountains, a band of orcs attacked us in the night, and the trio was in danger. As T and I were busy killing off the stragglers, C was busy fighting an orc barbarian... and losing. When C fell (With a 16 Constitution score, he was at -13, important later), I and T hurried over and killed the raging barbarian in a battle that almost got themselves killed.

Heavily injured and with an unconscious Dwarf, the surviving two set up camp and set about their special healing process for C. T used his tribe's special "Moon Treatment" to help C's dwarf recover without being finished off by a hungry wolf. This "Moon Treatment" involved covering the unconscious Dwarf in as much feces and detritus as possible to mask the scent of his blood, while burying him in a hole that left only his head above ground.

After the first night of this, I's Half-orc realized that this was a terrible plan, and they decided to just push through the mountains without sleep and get him to the town on the west side of the mountains (they were travelling west, so this was their destination anyway). Through four days of recovering without any magical way of healing, C had finally recovered enough hit points to be one day away from recovery (he was at -1 hit points).

Then T had an idea. I'll try to summarize the conversation as best I can.

T: Hey A, I have a question.

A: Sure, what do ya got?

T: If beer-hats exist in this world, then shouldn't defibrillators?

A: You don't have a defibrillator though.

T: Yeah but I can cast Shocking Grasp, the same principle should apply, right?

A: You can try if you think your character could rationalize it.

I: All right, I cast Shocking Grasp on C's hairy chest.

A: Okay roll 3d6.

T: Wait why is he rolling for damage you said it would work‽

A: No, I said you could try. I made no promises about it's ability to work.

I: Dang, I rolled 14.

C: What the hell, now I'm closer to death than I was when the orc knocked me unconscious!

A: All right, C is now at -15 hit points, stable, and has a large hand print burn scar above his heart.

T: Oh sorry C, I didn't think it would hurt you.

C: A BEER HAT AND A DEFIBRILLATOR ARE ON TWO DIFFERENT TECH-LEVELS!

T: No hard feelings?

C: I'm stuck in the car with you for another 1300 miles, so yeah, I'll try to let it go.

Realizing they'd almost killed C, I and T decided to seek out a professional healer. The town healer was an alchemist that lived outside of town about a mile. She came into town each morning and left each evening. So I and T sat by the West Gate from sunrise when it opened to around noon, looking for this healer. After a while, they realized they'd never actually figured out what the healer looked like, so they were just sitting around like idiots for half the day. They decided to ask where the healer lived and sought her out the next evening. Finally, C was able to recover, though when he woke up, he found the Handprint-burn-scar had healed improperly and was now a golden-colored scar; and worse, it was permanent.

Some other misadventures happened both before and after this incident, but this has already been a long story, so I'll pass the buck off to the next guy.

[TrT8r]

Reminder-Try to keep posts simple and to the point. Thanks!

[Ixidor92]

So in our 5e campaign setting the party is attempting to overthrow the dragon emperor. A man who has transformed with the power of an ancient artifact into a dragon and now commands power over their kind. Said emperor also has humanoid agents throughout the land that are either dominated or serve him in exchange for power.

Long story short, we are going after an adult dragon who seemed to be caring for a wyrmling dragon in the mountains. This dragon had reportedly been eating dwarves within the land, and all sent after it had been killed. We find this dragon, and it only spots our paladin, Zelenor. The two end up talking, instead of attacking each other on site.

Over the course of conversation, the rest of the party (except our rogue) came out of hiding, it is revealed the dragon was a mother who had been caring for her child in difficult conditions (neither of them were dragons native to arctic or mountainous regions) and had an agreement with the lord of the dwarves in the area. Who as it turns out was serving the dragon emperor of his own volition. (we have found out that female dragons, particularly mothers, are able to resist the power of the dragon emperor's domination). That deal was she would kill his political rivals, and in exchange he would not reveal her location to the emperor. Our dwarf Werdok (who personality-wise is a fairly stereotypical dwarf) said she had still killed many dwarves, regardless of circumstance, and that she should be slain. Most of the party did not agree with this at this point. He suggested bringing the dragon back to the frost mountains to be held on trial, of which both she and most of the party were skeptical would be fair or even realistically possible. Zelenor though... is a bit of an odd one. He happened to be the highest rank in our party (the party is serving a military group, of which some of us are members), and declared that we would hold the trial right then and there.

So a session that we all expected to be just a long combat with said dragon to end a menace against the dwarves instead turned into a courtroom scene as Zelenor presided as judge, werdok acted as prosecution, and our Aasimar acted as defense. I as the druid was acting as secretary (and in fact have the whole case typed out in a .txt file on my computer). As my friend put it: "We came in expecting to play monster hunter, and ended up playing Pheonix Wright."

[thorr-kan]

So a session that we all expected to be just a long combat with said dragon to end a menace against the dwarves instead turned into a courtroom scene as Zelenor presided as judge, werdok acted as prosecution, and our Aasimar acted as defense. I as the druid was acting as secretary (and in fact have the whole case typed out in a .txt file on my computer). As my friend put it: "We came in expecting to play monster hunter, and ended up playing Pheonix Wright."
You do *NOT* get to end a post like that. What was the verdict!?

I *love* it when sessions take a left turn like this. My players do it to me all the time.

[Ixidor92]

You do *NOT* get to end a post like that. What was the verdict!?

I *love* it when sessions take a left turn like this. My players do it to me all the time.

For closure's sake: Said Paladin Judge declared her guilty of conspiracy to murder, but not murder itself (those were judged to be on the head of the dwarven lord). And she was to be exiled from the mountains. Afterwards we went to the dwarven lord and found out he was a frost giant in disguise--and THAT gave the massive boss-fight instead of the dragon. Party is currently escorting said dragon down from the mountains :3

As a side note: everyone in the party has officially given up on trying to predict what our paladin will do at this point.

[thorr-kan]

For closure's sake: Said Paladin Judge declared her guilty of conspiracy to murder, but not murder itself (those were judged to be on the head of the dwarven lord). And she was to be exiled from the mountains. Afterwards we went to the dwarven lord and found out he was a frost giant in disguise--and THAT gave the massive boss-fight instead of the dragon. Party is currently escorting said dragon down from the mountains :3

As a side note: everyone in the party has officially given up on trying to predict what our paladin will do at this point.
That is both awesome and *doubly awesome.*

Thank you!

[Samwich]

I feel slightly guilty, because earlier today, one of my players rolled two Nat 20s in just an hour, and both of them were harmful to him.
The first one was in a tomb they were exploring. In Indiana Jones fashion, when they removed the crystal they were looking for, a trap was triggered that started flooding the room. A large, heavy stone slab fell across the only door to the room, but since the door was blocked by a waterfall, they couldn't see that happen. So the player declares, "I'm running as fast as I can for the door," and rolls a Nat 20 to run fast. So I tell him: "You run with the speed of a cheetah, the grace of a gazelle, and you smash headfirst into the rock currently blocking your escape." Despite the resulting concussion, the players all survived.
The second Nat 20 was mostly his fault. He was worried that other people might be after the crystal, so before travelling to the inn where he was going to meet his buyer, he made a disguise kit check and got a Nat 20. Unfortunately, the disguise worked so well that it fooled the buyers guards, who denied the player entrance, insisting that he had no business with the boss. The player, however, had a -1 modifier to charisma, and decided that he never wanted to take the disguise off, knowing that he would never make a better one. And that's how I ruined Critical Successes for my party.

[TrT8r]

Reminder-Try to keep posts simple and to the point. Thanks!

[dehro]

Reminder-Try to keep posts simple and to the point. Thanks!


Reminder-Try to keep posts simple and to the point. Thanks!

This confuses me :confused:

[TrT8r]

I accidentally hit undo and hit post.

[Steve Edwards]

In one of those fabled instance when someone rolled a natural 1 three times...


We encountered what we now call call a "giant death golem"
The thing was like a jaeger so it wasn't active. It was also made out of a precious mineral we all wanted.

We entered its ankle and walked up its leg into its chest where it had a hangar bay for flyers to enter.
Then we walked up into the head which looked like the bridge of the enterprise.
Sitting in the captains chair was the biggest fattest ruby, that should have been a glaring red flag for us.
We did briefly take it out to realise it was a anti magic field suppressing the golem.
After looking around we found a hidden door but couldn't open it, I got out my pick axe and begun to punch a hole through the door but poisonous vapors began seeping out of the hole.
We left for the poison to clear but we noticed it had built up and was now pouring cloud poison out of its hangar bay chest.
We decided to send in our only player who was immune to poison and he went up back into the head filled with poison and removed the ruby to see if the golem was friendly or not.
The room began to move, player in the head had to roll a Dex check to see if he could hold his footing.
...1...
He slid out into the neck stairs.
The golem began to move as the rest of the party watched as the golem looked at a seagull flying casually past and distinct rated it with its single eye lens.
Meanwhile the player in the neck tried another Dex check
...1...
He was now the golems shoulder level.
The golem started to walk away, and launched out gargoyles from his chest which some of them swooped down to fight the rest of the party
Again the player in the golem tried another Dex check
...1...
He slid out into the chest hangar bay.
The dm ruled if he got another 1, he would fall out of the hangar bay doors and fall.
He rolled
...2... The dm said he fell down the leg of the creature.

Long story short, the golem walked away faster than we could move and ended up in the empire homelands which resulted in many many many deaths before they eventually took it down.

But at least we have the ruby.

[Vessyra]

My friends and I decided to do a level 20 battle Royale where each of us got to play three characters. I decided to make one of my characters a rogue, but to give him the ability to sneak attack if no-one else is around, I multi classed him into an oath of vengeance paladin to get Vow of Enmity. (Advantage on all attacks against one creature for a minute, and advantage can grant sneak attack)

After a few rounds of combat, the monk that had been helping the rogue/paladin sget neak attack was killed by the enemy bard. Now, I like to give a reason for my vow of enmity, so with the rogue/paladin's turn up next, he looked the bard in the eye, and pushed his hair away to reveal a scar on each of his cheeks. He then said,

"My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father.

Prepare to die"

[The Bandicoot]

Through various shenanigans while advancing our "Save the world from Orcus" main plot the DM has accused us of trying to set up a Shadowrun-esque mega-corp in his magitech homebrew D&D world.

So far we own a high-end bordello, high-end bar, high-end restaurant, brewery, and fast airship. For some odd reason the druid is the secretary for all these businesses.

Also the rogue/son of an exiled prince is engaged to the princess of the local kingdom whose king isn't long for this world.

[CosmicHobbit]

This was funny to me at least. It's pretty long, so I'll put it in a spoiler.

The Important Party Members:
Orryn, the pyromaniac gnome wizard
Roland, the half-elf bard
Ghesh, the dragonborn paladin

So, my group was playing the Hoard Of The Dragon Queen, and we had just left Greenest, and Orryn started tracking the Kobolds and Cyanwrath. We eventually came to a valley where 4 cultists and 8 kobolds were cooking food. Now, what Orryn's player means by "pyromaniac" is that whenever Orryn sees fire, he immediately runs toward it and starts making it bigger, no matter what. I know this, having seen it at Greenest, so I immediately say, "I put Orryn in a full nelson." Not the best playing, I know, but it's the first thing I thought of. So, we do opposed Strength checks, which I easily win due to a +5 Strength modifier. So, now Ghesh has Orryn in a full nelson. Guess who decides to cast Charm Person on me? That's right, Roland. He apparently thinks Charm Person means "Enslave Person". We explain that that's not how it works to him, but he's unfazed, proclaiming that he will roll persuasion to get me to stop. He has a +8 to persuasion, so I get ready for Orryn to run to the fire. He rolls, and says, "16 total." I say that I'll roll a Wisdom saving throw against that, because that makes sense. I have a +3 to Wisdom, so I still am expecting to fail. I roll, and proudly say, "16!" So, I don't let Orryn go. Then, I have an idea. Ghesh leans down to Orryn, who's kicking Ghesh in a rather...shall we say, uncomfortable area. He says into Orryn's ear, "Do you want the fire?" Orryn doesn't listen. More forcefully this time: "Do you want the fire?!" Orryn nods, still kicking. I then throw him at the group around the fire. The rest of the party has been goofing off, and so has no idea what's happening when the DM says, "Initiative!" Those of us who were actually playing D&D roll.
Ghesh: "6."
Orryn: "5."
Roland: "...3."
Well, crap. This'll be fun. That's when we ended the session. I'm morbidly excited for next session.

[bc56]

I like this thread so much, I'd better post on it.


PCs: (all 10th level)
Arboreas: wood elf assassin
Kothar: lizardfolk devotion paladin
Euclid: half-elf wild sorcerer

Sub-PCs: NPCs the players run in combat (all level 5)
Avashel: high elf abjurer
Beshenal: dragonborn light cleric
Osarkar: dwarf champion fighter
Renet: half-troll (homebrew race) hunter ranger
Yigvar: kobold champion fighter/rogue
Arjhan: dragonborn thief

True NPCs:
General Payorin: a secretive immortal dragonborn war hero in hiding.

Monsters:
Gragrool: Oni, leader of the trolls in the area. He wants revenge after the PCs foiled an earlier plot.
The Triad: Three aberrations with a score to settle against Payorin. They are ridiculously strong, because the goal of the encounter is to drive them off, no expectations that the PCs, even with help, will defeat them. Charo-green Gormin-blue Omiz-red. They all have similar, but unique abilities, and they synergize well with each other.
A random troll: minion of Gragrool



The PCs are founders of an adventurers' guild, which the sub-PCs are members. The PCs are contacted in the dead of night via Sending that their city is being attacked by trolls. They Teleport in, assess the situation. At this time, two trolls were killed by the lower-level adventurers, and Arjhan is out scouting. Fearing that Arjhan may be captured and replaced by the shapeshifting Oni, Euclid and Arboreas advise Avashel to cast defensive spells on the guildhall entrance (namely Alarm) then go hunting trolls. They find a troll, kill it, then return. After they get back, Gragrool is spotted with a troll, approaching the guild. Arboreas sneaks around and attacks him, using a magic item which is essentially an exploding dagger. The other party members unload various fire attack spells, such as Flaming Sphere and Fireball (all three full casters know fireball). Gragrool rolls low on initiative and dies in the first round. The troll rolls even lower, and is killed when Kothar and Osarkar unload full rounds of melee attacks onto it.
There's a round of silence.
Then the Triad attack. They broke a hole in the wall of the guildhall and stabbed Payorin (ending his unnaturally long life) the previous round. Omiz rolls a low stealth, and his actions as they move to ambush the party are heard by everyone, because he slams a door. Charo quickly casts Invisibility on himself, and Gormin gets a number above 20 to hide. Euclid then comes in and uses Hold Monster on Omiz. Subsequently, everyone rushes to see what's going on. Arboreas sneaks in the way the Triad entered. Some epic fighting stuff happened. Avashel went down twice, Omiz was tanking a lot of attacks, but he used Tenser's Transformation for temp HP.
Then the big thing happened. Kothar activated Searing Smite, then crit on Omiz. He decided to burn a third level slot for smite. 60some damage. Second attack. Crit again. 60some damage again. Omiz goes down and starts bleeding out. Osarkar goes next and hits the unconscious boss, forcing him to fail 2 death saves. Charo steps in. No matter what, Omiz will die without a nat 20 on his next death save, so Charo casts antimagic field. Beshenal promptly steps in and uses his breath weapon. After ~10 minutes of discussion and internet research as to whether breath weapons work in an A-M field, Omiz died. Needless to say, the Triad ported out immediately, especially when a new surprise ally that they know from their past (an who's supposed to be dead) showed up.


It was a fun session.

[Vessyra]

DM: "You see the yeti, but you aren't close enough to reach it with your axe. What do you do?"

Dwarf: "I throw the elf at it"

Later on, while laughing about it, someone joked about how that should be how the dwarf searches for traps. The dwarf's player then replied with a smile, "Well, why do you think that I work alone?... now, that is".

Second story: afterwards, we found the deceased mayor encased in a block of ice. Since the elf didn't know how human biology worked, he decided to attempted to resuscitate him. A natural one (total of zero) later, and the elf began punching the mayors body in an attempt at CPR, and when that failed, he drew his word and began stabbing him in an attempt to wake him up.

[bc56]

During a climactic bossfight which was a follow-up to the climactic bossfight in my previous post, one of the bosses cast Incendiary Cloud, filling a big area with flaming ash. The paladin threw down a scroll of Snare in a doorway, then the two bosses who didn't cast Incendiary Cloud got caught in the snare, inside the cloud. The sorcerer then cast Wall of Fire around that, and the weaker wizard cast flaming sphere adjacent them. Both bosses took an absurd amount of fire damage each turn for being adjacent all these effects, and they couldn't escape because they kept failing Dex saves. It was hilarious.

[Thaumic]

In the last session of a 5e travel-across-the-planes-type campaign I'm running, the party (which consisted of a Cleric, a Sorcerer, a Paladin, a Monk, and a Fighter) were fighting several Red Slaad in Limbo. The Fighter was being seriously damaged by one of the Slaad and no one was really able to help her, and eventually she fell to 0 HP. The Cleric was on the opposite side of the battlefield, and he wasn't able to heal her until the battle was over and she had failed two death saves. While she was being healed, the party decided to scan the horizon for a Githzerai temple they were supposed to find for plot reasons. I had everyone roll Perception checks, and they all did poorly except the Fighter, who got a natural 20. So I narrated the scene by saying "everyone watches their nearly dead friend in anguish, fearing for her life... when she suddenly shoots up from the ground, points past you into the distance, and shouts 'I've found the temple!'" The party made her roll every Perception check for the rest of the session.

[jojo]

Well...

My most recent character was named "The Incomparable Khalid." True Neutral, Variant Human, Rogue, Mercenary Veteran who served with the Blue Falcon Brigade from the age of 10 to 25. At time of death he had a passive perception score of 21, for which our GM had zero respect.

He died by "majestically riding a unicorn" off of a cliff after convincing the party of (mostly) "good" guys to go with the expedient option of "just kill Ireena" in CoS. Don't worry, he was the last man standing.

Ridiculous things Khalid did include:

-Formed the Barovian Inquisition and declared himself "High Immolator." Our Battle-Cry was "Everyone expects the Inquisition! Nobody expects the consequences!"
-Distributed carved Barovian Inquisition tokens to unwitting "accomplices" to stoke Strahd's paranoia.
-Burnt down approximately 2/3rds of the Village of Barovia without consequences.
-Burnt Strahd in effigy, many, many times in many permutations.
-Spit directly in Strahd's "F**k-Face."
-Used basic engineering to collapse the ritual chamber in the Death House.
-Urinated on and killed Strahd's Dire Wolves with complete impunity, because Trees.
-Survived a TPK, prompting Ismark to commit suicide after another party member killed Ireena to make Strahd cry.
-Employed middle-school debate tactics in conjunction with Post-Secondary level understandings of both epistemology and moral relativism alongside grade-school mockery to successfully convince the GM that this was "Neutral Good, like... at worst."

The best part is that within the context of the campaign up to that exact moment the only logically consistent possibility was that by riding off of the cliff Khalid would end up in Castle Ravenloft. No, I am not even slightly exaggerating, a body of evidence was compiled, considered and tested first. Also, the horse did not protest in the slightest.

[Genon]

I'm mostly a freeform roleplayer and have never actually played D&D, so sadly I won't be sharing any Dungeons and Dragons stories. But I do play plenty of fandom games, and am an experience freeform roleplayer. So expect plenty of those.

I'll start with one of my more recent stories, from an ongoing Dragon Ball Xenoverse freeform game. If you don't know the plot of Xenoverse, basically, we're time police.

Now, given that alternate timelines were a key factor in the game, that enabled more...out-there character types. In my case, I went with a power-armor wearing cyborg optimized for stealth, complete with a background as an assassin and a Swiss-Army-Weapon-style blaster that drained my ki slightly every time I fired to match my power level.

Due to a certain scene involving Goku and a blaster in Resurrection F, the GM ruled that ki users need to "block" enemy attacks with their power or their durability doesn't mean jack ****. In other words, ki users can be taken by surprise to nullify all of their superhuman durability. This, coupled with the blaster's sniper-rifle configuration and occasionally poison or tranq rounds, was the linchpin of my strategy. That said, virtually every team member except one has interesting ways of punching above their weight (one has a fighting style similar to akido, enabling them to take on people three times stronger than them and win by tiring them out to the point where their power level drops and then finishing them off, another has extremely-dangerous psychic abilities, mind-reading, and portal generation, another can compress Death Ball-levels of ki down into a tiny point and unleash it in the form of a much smaller blast to hit several harder than she is supposed to at the cost of tiring her out, and yet another is both a very dangerous mage and the Legendary Super Saiyan of her timeline).

Well, come the second arc, the GM splits up our team into three groups and we're sent to different timelines. Me and the akido guy go to the Cell Games, where every Z-Fighter and Cell have been driven into homicidal madness by magical obelisks laid in the area by the Big Bad.

Now, none of these characters are allowed to die, since that would break time further and potentially leading to the entire timeline ceasing to exist under the strain of the paradox. And of course, I'm a stealth character, so I cloak (which also hides me from ki sense) and head directly for the obelisk immediately (after a subplot involving a base full of Time Breaker goons hidden inside a mountain there, anyway).

Then the GM decides to have Full-Power Super Saiyan Vegeta and Perfect Cell, both fighting each other, burst through the cliff face where the obelisk was hiding, right in front of my character. Seeing as I can't kill either of them, even in self-defense, due to time-travel, both of them are at high enough power to paste me on contact, and the obelisk was right there, I ignored them and moved to disable it with the magic talismans I had been issued specifically for the purpose. From there, I tried to deliver the obelisk for study, we had a boss fight against a magic-crazed Yamcha once the seemingly-disabled obelisk dumped all of its energy into the poor guy as a last-ditch move just before the talismans took effect, yadda yadda yadda standard Dragon Ball stuff.

Well after that arc concluded with a resounding success, the GM hinted over Discord that we had done better than we were supposed to over the majority of the game. I asked him for specific examples to satisfy my ego, and he wrote to me: "[You were supposed to lose in Arc 2 because] I expected you to fight Cell."

Yes, you read that right. He expected the stealthy, one-hit-kill character who relies almost exclusively on surprise and sneak attacks to take out stronger opponents than herself to fight PERFECT CELL, who was not only stronger then her, BUT COULD REGENERATE FROM ALMOST ANY INJURY SHORT OF COMPLETE ATOMIZATION! The only person who wouldn't consider Cell an outright instant lose condition in my position is a complete moron!

When I rightly asked him what the hell he was thinking when he designed that, he told me a series of horror stories about idiot rogue-archetype players outright trying to brute-force their way through similarly godlike enemies and expecting to win. And apparently, he was so used to these idiots that his idea of idiot-proofing an encounter like that was to assume I was an idiot like them and design the encounter around that assumption.

We all had a good laugh about it, though, since in the end, the arc still played out fine and we all had a good time. He's also greatly improved as a GM since that incident (the game has been running for about two years now, and we've all gotten more experience), and the game's become a lot more complex and interesting since then.

[Vessyra]

In my first campaign that I have DMed, the players had been investigating a noble of a city. The players had discovered that a noble was plotting to start a war against the draconian empire. (An empire of chromatic dragons and subservient dragonborn). Secretly, the noble was doing this so that the dragons would wage war against the rest off the world, leaving it ripe for conquer.

However, there was one, minor, unrelated thing: the noble also had a bunch of wizards working to build an airship, and had used a loophole in the contract to keep them working for longer with less pay. This was totally, completely unrelated to the plot, but the players decided that freeing the wizards was the only thing that mattered.

And by the only thing that mattered, I mean that, after freeing the wizards, the players just left. Walked off to the sunset, not giving a second thought to the massive war that the noble was planning.

I wonder whether the players will remember the little war that they abandoned when a draconian army comes flying in after a few sessions.

Second story:
Me: "After your character opens the bank vault door, you can see a halfling and gnome rifling through the drawers. Two elven monk bodyguards, seeing you, charge forward-"
Player: "I close the door and shut them in there"

[VeroChampion]

I've been running a Campaign with a group of newbies for about five weeks. But these guys are wonderful! I've had so much fun in the short amount of time that I've been DMing for these guys that I have to provide the Playground with at least one or two stories. I'll leave the cast above the few stories I have.

Ulric Divad, Half-Orc Barbarian/5 - A Man of little Wisdom Ulric has earned his keep being the teams "shoot first and then shoot again." style fighter. While he isn't much in the way of strategy he is the team's tanky-story driver, leading them into battles without much more than a simple "kill em all". Ulric also has a very Black and White view of life meaning when he fails to kill a villain or complete a mission you can bet your ass he'll be drinking himself into one of the Nine Hells.

Amaya the Rougish One, Half-Elf Rouge/5 - An assassin for a cult turned petty thief Amaya is the group troublemaker. She constantly is planning to steal, poison, or otherwise exercise the power of her immense DEX score. Amaya is very connected to the Goddess of Goodness (known as the Mother) and the God of Evil (known as the Brother) who are both working to make her their warlock. Amaya is very fond of money and shiny things. Very very VERY fond of shiny things...

Baeik the Comedian, BugBear Fighter/5 - A BugBear who is known for his savage humor and cutting wit. Played by a friend of mine who took this particular pathway so that he could "Take off the Filter" Baeik is constantly cutting down baddies using both his battleax and his sarcastic wit.

N'Amilis the "Nixling", Nixling Druid/5 - A homebrew race of constructs a Nixling is a strange creature. Simply put they are a race of elementals powered by nature magic and a "battery". N'Amilis may be seventy years old but he isn't very good with social interaction nor anything else that's social... at all.

Morzan BlackThorn, Human Bard/5 - The sex-crazed jokester and naive wanna be fighter of the group. While he's not as tanky as most of the other player Morzan's fighting style consists of attack, miss, and heal from near death with cure-light. Morzan is usually seen wearing his sexy maid disguise.

Nemier Vaaj, WereTiger Ranger4/Artificer1 - The Moral Compass and overall "do-gooder" of this band of Misfits Nemier is the basic savior of the group. Armed with Artificer's Thunder Cannon and ranger spells he puts out heavy damage from long range. He's the tactician and the thinker of the group.

Now that the cast has been covered we can get on with the stories.


After being put into prison due to a series of unfortunate events (Morzan's tavern being burnt down and a few assault charges) the party has been forced to go and clear out a cave on the outskirts of town. The cave, notoriously known for its cave rats (not rats at all, rather big nasty cave bugs), is being overrun by the populace and prisoners are commonly sent there to kill a few and come home. They arrive at the cave and begin milling about, scared to enter. Baeik seizes the opportunity to tell a joke into the cave to see how deep it is.

Me: Wait, Like EchoLocation?
Baeik(OC): Exactly.
Me: Okay... Roll performance and perception?
Baeik(OC): *Aces the Performance roll and then nat 1's a perception check*
Me: You tell a wonderful joke into the cave and listen closely for the reply. To your surprise, the echolocation information you received back informs you the cave is in fact Infinite.
BaeikOC: Guys. I think this cave is infinite.
Group: WHAT?
Morzan: Baeik, the world is FLAT. It couldn't be infinite! *rolls persuasion and fails*
Baeik: But the cave is Infinite. *rolls persuasion and succeeds*
Morzan: I now see the error of my ways... all hail the infinite cave.

The group proceeds to, with the knowledge of the newfound discovery, plan ways to make the most coin off of the new cave. The ideas ranged from selling Infinite Cave Rat skin to pelters to mining it until it wasn't infinite. Of course, they gave up on ever venturing into the cave (a one-floor dungeon) for fear of "Being lost for the rest of eternity".



The Group of heroes has been looking for a place to stay and come across the "Eldwood Inn". They enter to see an old woman crying silently, she also happens the be the InnKeeper. They approach and she divulges she's worried for her GrandDaughter. Her mother went missing and She herself can no longer take care of the GrandDaughter so she's going to have to put her up for adoption. The players, needing a room and feeling for the GrandMother, make a deal saying that they will get 1-year free lodging if they can find the Daughter. They are directed to a temple in the woods which used to be home to a cult of the Goddess of Sin. Clerics, like the Daughter, are usually sent there to research the dark culture to better combat their evil's but she hasn't returned. It was supposed to be completely safe. The player wanders the dungeon and finds the woman in a strange room in the temple.

Ulric(OC): I run over to comfort her.
Me: She is unaware of your presence, so you probably should say something first.
Ulric(OC): Nope, Just gonna run over and hug her.
Me: Well... roll intimidation. She's terrified of a giant half-orc running at her in the temple of darkness of course.
Ulric(OC): *rolls enough to scare her*
Me: she jumps in fright and screams saying "don't hurt me anymore!". Roll initiative.

No one is able to calm her down, so Morzan decides to cast sleep. Half-Elves are immune to sleep. Ulric readied the action to try and tie her up if Morzan cast a spell, so he runs to grab her. She uses her reaction to blast his ass with guiding bolt resulting in about twenty damage. He fails his grapple check and her turn comes around in the order. She blasts him again. Ulric is reduced to a crumpled pile of moaning, smoking, flesh as the radiant damage knocks him unconscious. After a few more rounds the players are able to calm her down enough to where they can return home. When they do the GrandMother speaks to them:

GrandMa: You look like you got hit by a hill-giant.
Baeik: More like b****-slapped by a girl.
Ulric: The light.... it buurrrnnsss.



Everyonce in a while I as a DM make a mistake. Eric is the most glorious mistake I've ever made. The party comes across a crooked circus run by a goblin. I described it as a seedy din where your wallet will defiently disappear. Of course they decide to venture into it anyway because they have a theif of their own. At the front gate stands a clown with a spiked bat. This is where my mistake is made... The "Clowns" here were supposed to never ever speak. First thing I do is greet them.

Eric: Hey there guys! You here for the Show?
Amaya: Yes, we are... Why do you have that?
Eric: This? *holds up bat with nails in it* Oh, My job is to beat up the wolves. Duh.
Baeik: Wolves?
Eric: *points to a pile of dead wolves*
Baeik: Oh, well Wh--
Eric: WOLF!
*Wolf proceeds to jump out of the grass aiming for Baeik's neck. Eric bats it into the oile of other dead wolves.*
Group(OC):*Dies Laughing*

Fast forward a little bit later and the wolves have gotten smarter. From hanging on threads like spider man to using trap doors they attempted everything. Eric was not fooled, he killed them all, landing them in the pile with 100% accuracy. And with that Eric, Slayer of Wolf, was born.



One of my BBEG's is a blackmarket dealing mage. He is tired of the part and eventually gets his hands on Ulric's prized weapon. His Glaive. Of course, being a master of magic and trickery, the Mage decided cursing the weapon would be the best course of action. And by God he was right. He cursed the glaive with "Fire Feind Arms", a curse which wreaths the afflicted person's arms in fire. Ulric, knowing that his Glavie had been lost to the Mage who is KNOWN for cursing things (many cursed items have been seen this campaign), decided to just pick it up. Que curse activation.
Ulric(OC): Wow, that's pretty neat!
Group(OC): Yeah.... that's not really a curse?
Me: Just wait.

A few minutes later...

Ulric(OC): As I walk into my room--
Me: You opened the door?
Ulric(OC): Yeah?
Me: The door is on fire.
Group(OC): WHAT?
Me: He has hot hands.

A few minutes later...

Ulric(OC): I make my way to the Tavern to drink--
Me: You sure? Fire and Ale don't mix...
Ulric(OC): Wait... I can't drink?
Baeik(OC): Ohhhhh, hit you right in the coping skills...

A few minutes later...

Me: so if you touch yourself you burn, if you open the door it catches fire... basically you are stuck in the room until someone helps you out.
Ulric(OC): I jump out the window.
Me: you stand in the streets covered in glass percings, which you can't remove because of the fire, and dripping with blood. People are staring at you.
Ulric: Help me...
Me: They run.
Ulric(OC): I chase them
Group(OC): oh no...

And so giving a Half-Orc Flaming arms is fun for the whole family!



After a few encounters and a fairly rough night, the group wakes up to the Inn owner calling for them downstairs. They go quickly, expecting something bad, but are surprised to find a beat up Kenku leaning up against the wall.

Kenku: Clawed One?
Group: What?
Kenku: Needs Clawed One.
Group(OC): So we have to dissect small sentences now, huh

After a long and sort of convoluted discussion with the Kenku, the players are offered a gad of gold as payment. They have no clue how much it is and really don't feel like asking the Kenku so they all roll perception. 4 16+'s and 2 nat 1's later we have this interaction.

Vaaj: So fifty gold, to stop this gang?
Kenku: Yes!
Amaya: Is there more? maybe?
Kenku: Yes!
Amaya: I'm in.
N'Amalis: Are you aware you speak in words with no more than three syllables?
Kenku: Yes!
Morzan: *Whispers* Guys... he's holding a head *points to gold*
Ulric: Morzan, you've seen me hold worse. He's perfectly trustworthy!
Baeik: Okay... I'm confused. Why are being paid in armadillos?

Morzan and Baeik never found a real explanation on what exactly went on that morning.

[RXDDragonblade]

In the current 5e game I am a part of, the party has used some unorthodox methods.

First the party
Me, the human fighter
A klepto tielfing rogue(stole a book made of bacon from a library)
A half-elf sorcerer that is basically Lenin
A half-elf bard
A dwarven paladin that role plays like a jehovah’s witness but for tyr
And a dwarven cleric
Note: Only the cleric and the bard have ever played before.

So first session, no dwarves yet, the party comes to a small mountain village that doesn’t seem to get a lot of visitors. And we make an entrance, the tiefling using thaumaturgy to create a small earthquake and the sorcerer using minor illusion to play the imperial march as we walk in to the town.

After terrorizing the townsfolk for information about our main quest, we bunk down in the inn, my fighter taking watch. At this point, my fighter notices a group of people entering the boarded up church in the middle of town in the middle if the night. Suspecting a cult of some sort, we try to sneak in and investigate...in the least defensive order possible, being first the squishy sorcerer, then the equally squishy rogue, then the surprisingly healthful bard, then me, the only combat effective member of the party at this point.

So we enter this church. The rogue gets punched in the face by a random guard, we find out that it isn’t a cult, it’s a hospital, and the party splits for not the first time in our first session. The serious half, me and the sorcerer, enter the church proper and learn of a curse and the god Lethander. The other half, the rogue and the bard, sneak into the basement, break open the sarcophagus of a long dead paladin, steal an amulet from his corpse, the make “holy water” by mixing the dust of his long decayed flesh with some wine, which they have been trying to force on the party ever since.

A couple sessions later, the party(+dwarves-bard and rogue) enter a cave and fight some kobolds. The sorcerer pulls a cursed sword from an altar, and subsequently names it Leopold, we fight a mecha-kobold made of two kobolds stacked on top of each other inside a giant pile of scrap metal, and the sorcerer convinces them that he is their god.

Meanwhile, the bard and the rogue have entered a pocket dimension owned by some immortal shopkeep. The rogue almost died fighting a dretch. And they traded the bacon book for a broken warforged.

The most recent session, again missing the dwarves, consisted of us trying to get into a city that had been walled off. My character(with a negative charisma mod btw) managed to convince a guard to give us a way into the city: the sewers. We travel to the sewers and, thanks to the sorcerer’s pyromaniacal tendencies both ic and irl, he decides that we shouldn’t enter the enclosed chamber full of flammable gas when we need a torch so one of us can see. His response was instead to chuck a fireball down into the sewer, causing an explosion large enough to create a small earthquake and setting fire to the large amounts of waste that our characters then had to walk through.

And then we fought a ninja zombie that managed to dodge the sorcerer’s burning hands twice, and managed to tank a spear going straight through its head and then four more rounds of combat. Fun times

[Spore]

For instance: Tom Cruise now exists in my D&D world

Newbs. We have created our version of "Chuck Norris jokes" in universe. And this wasn't the only instance where we delegated adventures to NPCs.

We were entering a small town in the woods, where we had to meet a well informed tavern owner to track down our half-elf ranger's royal but estranged father. My alchemist inquires whether there is anything special about the tavern. I jokingly add: "Well, you know, he might be a retired adventurer." The DM doesn't respond but I see nothing out of the ordinary. So we have a clue to check our ranger's mother's old hut.

We quickly find out she was a vampire hunter but was killed in action by said vampires who still roam the place, specifically a keep in the vicinity. So we go back to town, asking the barkeep if he knew about the vampire slayer. He responds that he knew, and that he hunted alongside her. He just didn't know her son was in our party. He mentions his whole name, after which the DM just proclaims: "Everyone knows Levin Hartman. Legends have it, his radiant smile could evaporate vampires on the spot." to which I add: "Ah yes, Levin Hartman who once brought a vampire back to life with a Heal check." and "Levin Hartman does not hide. He just does not want to be seen and everyone pretends to not see him."

When we were asked to deal with the vampire infestation, we just shrugged and say: "If Levin Hartman cannot deal with it, we can neither." We talked with the lady of the area who sent another adventurer guild to deal with it. (OOC we knew it was the LE half-fiend red dragon empress who sent wanted war criminal to toy with a few vampires. Maybe the vampires even added to the guild's ranks. IC it was a sensible choice).

But I am still bummed out that they screwed us out of a haunted castle filled with vampires.

[Vessyra]

We ran a level 20 one-shot. A rolled up a tiefling sorcerer and choose my spells. Just before we started, I had one spell left to choose, and after much deliberation, I choose teleport.

It turns out, when you're level 20 and defending the world, the world is BIG. So we used teleport a lot. What's bad, however, is that whenever you teleport, there's a small chance of a 'mishap' (typically 15%), which means that everyone takes some damage and you roll again, with the small possibility of rolling another mishap.

Due to some absolutely terrible rolling, we were taking mishap after mishap after mishap and we bounced around the world. Once, we ended up suffering 6 mishaps in a row. The chance of that happening is 0.00113906%! (And, as is only natural, that happened when we were teleporting in to save a city from a dracolich and a... CR 26 evil bad creepy thing.

And it turns out, the DM was keeping a tally on the damage. By the time that the session was over, I had done over one thousand three hundred damage, split among the party members. I'm never learning that spell again.

The next week, we went back to the campaign where I DM. The players had captured a gnome, and when she tried to escape, they knocked her out. Now, the oath of vengeance paladin is particularly greedy. However, since they had already looted her for everything but the clothes on her back the first time that they had captured her, one would think that there is nothing to be stolen. But he did steal something.

He stole her spleen. He stole the gnomes SPLEEN, dangled it in front of her during her interrogation, then shoved it in his bag of holding to sell on the black market later. Eventually, the paladin did get what was coming to him when he decided to put two captured thieves in his bag of holding.

[Kiuntoshi]

So I was Dm'ing a game and the players where in a town overrun by undead.
The party had just finished fighting a group of scarecrow-like zombies with watermelons and pumpkins for head when the monk (who had a habit of getting covered in monster guts) finished off the last watermelon zombie and the watermelon fell on her head. The barbarian mentioned that he liked what she did with her hair, so she said she wanted to throw the watermelon at him. She Rolled a triple Nat 20 on the throw. Took me a minute to decide what to do since she obviously wasn't trying to kill him and a character kill seemed unfair for this, I had the God of Chaos in my world intervene and replaced the barbarians head with a jack-o-lantern watermelon.

The player loved it. During perception checks he would mutter "watermelon senses don't fail me now." He was offered ways to remove it by several NPCs and refused each time. He got a Maul shaped like a watermelon and became known as Argrobark: The Watermelon Warrior

[Spore]

The sorcerer then cast Wall of Fire around that, and the weaker wizard cast flaming sphere adjacent them. Both bosses took an absurd amount of fire damage each turn for being adjacent all these effects, and they couldn't escape because they kept failing Dex saves. It was hilarious.


It was hilarious.

Actually this sounds disturbing. It's like burning at the stake not with magical fire.

[Lord Torath]

Actually this sounds disturbing. It's like burning at the stake not with magical fire.Depends on whose side you're on, and your definition of "Hilarity (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0434.html)" (panel 5)

[WarforgedTank]

I have a story I really like to tell my friends, and they always seem to get a kick out of it.

I played a kender (I know, I know) in a game for a while. My DM even made a custom chart he rolled on everywhere we went to see what I would find in my pack every time we made camp for the night. Well, at level 1, we were in an inn, and I found this super ornate box that I couldn't open, no matter how hard I tried.

Fast forward a few levels, and we're settling in for the night, and I dump my pack. The box is still there. Party leader (a fighter, if I recall) asks why I still have the box if I can't open it. I tell him I'm sure I have the key for it somewhere, I've just misplaced it. Argument about how the box technically isn't mine, and how there's no way I would have the key ensues. As we're arguing, I'm trying random keys from a key ring my character carried. Last key on the ring causes the box to open. Inside is a pair of +3 daggers. I'd lifted that box from our quest giver at level 1, and kept it the whole time.

First time we got into combat after that, my kender was promptly killed because he jumped in front of a great axe meant for our wizard.

Table got a pretty good laugh out of it. Wanted to resurrect me. I declined. lol

[WaspIV]

In the campaign I am DMing, 3 lvl 1 players managed to tame a Worg.
The sorcerer cast sleep on it (lasts 1 minute. Since each round of combat = 6 seconds, the sleep spell lasted 10 rounds), and then the druid with +6 animal handling began petting it, while the fighter and sorcerer began hunting animals to feed it.
1 headless squirrel, a jackrabbit and 2 deer later, I decided to actually give them something to fight. A black bear (rolled 24hp) lumbered across the path about 70 ft from the fighter, who of course fired her heavy crossbow at it. She had been rolling pretty good, but failed her shot this time. The sorcerer then fired with her light crossbow. This one hit, but for minimal damage (2, I think?). Not to be outdone, the fighter moved towards the bear and fired again, this time hitting for decent damage (7?). The bear charges the fighter, misses with the bite, but manages to hit her with claws for 8 damage, bringing her down to 4 hp.
The fighter retaliates with her greatsword, and makes an easy hit (she rolled an ability score of 18, and gained +2 str for dragonborn) for 11 damage. She then yells at the sorcerer to let her kill the bear, but the sorcerer ignores her and shoots at the bear again, for exactly 4 hp. just enough to kill the bear.
The fighter, in rage, charges at the sorcerer and attempts to punch her, but the sorcerer easily dodges the blow.
At this point, the Worg starts to wake up, so they stop fighting. The sorcerer goes back to drag her dead deer to the pile of animals, leaving the fighter to drag the heavy bear. I made her roll strength checks in order to drag the bear (at half speed), which she aced. The +5 str modifier made it pretty easy to beat DC 15.
Of course, petting a sleeping Worg with +6 animal handling, and feeding it a large pile of dead animals is, in my book, a surefire way to tame a Worg. So now they have a pet Worg, ready to face the next adventure.

If you guys liked this story, I have a couple others.

[LIL_JAMIL]

There WAS one story that comes to mind which I played recently, which taught me that literally anything , ANYTHING can happen in dnd (it is quite long but perfectly worth the wait) . The luck of these events still blow my mind. let me set the scene : 1 experienced DM, 3 first timers and a broken, broken set of charisma rolls.

Our DM was running the great linear adventure Curse of Strahd and was running it well. All the events altered just a little so they were a little more interesting and on top of that a great rp DM . I was running my third level wizard Waldo who had a ridiculous charisma score and great int but was just a little senile. We had been tracking down a small gorup of hags who were cooking children into pies....

Anyone who has run this campaign knows the encounter with these hags is very dangerous for characters approaching 4th and 5th level and our DM was looking more than a little nervous as we crept towards their hideout ( a tall decrepit windmill) . This was where the fun began.

A crit persuasion and some charmwork later one of the hags is cooking merrily inside her own oven. Then as the rest of the party sneaked inside my wizard with a mischievous smile cast disguise self modelled perfectly on the first hag. ANOTHER crit persuasion and some lucky strength saves later and another 5th level spell-caster was bundled into her own oven (the DM was now crying with laughter). The last persuasion test ended up a bust however, waldo ,ever resourceful, attempted to push the hag down the stairs.

1

This is the story of how waldo got thrown in an oven by an ' irate ' hag for an attempted groping.

[TheGreyWolf1600]

I have one too. So this was my first game, we were playing old fashioned 2e, and I was soloing an elven fighter. The game had just begun, first session, and my reason for going out to adventure (made by DM) was that a bunch of Kobolds had attacked and raided my village, and I was the only guy to escape. A little while later, after managing to befriend a wolf that formerly belonged to a kobold, I was at this tavern. I ordered food and stuff, then somehow ended up in an argument against the ethics of slaying kobolds with a group of kobold hunters. I was defending the kobolds. Anyways, melee began, and I got lucky and knocked one of the two guys out with a kick to the jaw. I then said "I take my meal and sneak off to another table" under the impression that the whole tavern was fighting. It was just me and the two guys. Later on, I managed to annoy the leader of an aquatic elf coastal village. He gave me the option of some test to be let free. He listed the test of strength, then I cut him off saying I'd take that. It was back when I thought a 14 strength was really good. I then had to fight their best warrior there. I was getting my ass handed to me, and the DM saw an opportunity to introduce another PC. So a new PC enters and saves me from the guy, when I'm on the ground and disarmed. The guy was a male ranger, played by my mother (it was a family game for us), and she shoots the warrior in the head. So then we get locked up. We either escape, or wait 'til morning to be judged. We then cut up the sheets, except for one, and put them in a bundle. We lit it on fire, kicked the door down, threw it at their boats to create a distraction. It was like flaming confetti burnt their boats down. We then ran away. I was playing a chaotic good guy, with no animal handling profiencies. In that game, I STILL have the wolf with me. Anyways, first session idiocy for you.

[Paladinatheart]

5th Edition Game

DM: ME
Players: Paladin, Warlock, Monk (Just turned level 6)

They are all excited to be level 6 and the paladin is like "hey I have Aura of Protection, that gives you guys a bonus to your saving throws equal to my Charisma modifier (which was +4) if you are within 10 feet of me!" Of course it is great and this paladin really focused on buffing the players more than being a melee unit (Tank, etc). So he works with Aid, Bless, and now has this Aura of Protection to buff up the characters. In addition the Paladin has Inspiring Leader feat.

Of course the players decide now that they want to go to the waste lands to fight a dragon. I tell them they are too weak but they insist. I decide a Red Wyrmling is too weak but a Young Red dragon might do the trick..I drop the HP of it down a few notches and change one or two stats to give the group a fighting chance but that is about it.

Session starts of where the group (to their joyful surprise) encounter a Young Red Dragon with a damaged wing (to explain for decreased HP and so it cant fly to also give them a fighting chance) that has been pinned down by a large boulder. It is out in the open with one or two small lava pits nearby but nothing extraordinary in the environment. They could easily surround the Young Red Dragon but wait the Paladin has a better idea.

The paladin convinces the party that with his Aura of Protection that they all get a +4 bonus to their saving throws (and this player tells the others that the Dex Save DC is 15 for a Fire Breath attack...which it isnt because it is 17 but I just tell them to stop metagaming). But the player continues to talk about his last campaign with another group where he and a few others defeated a blue dragon that spewed out Lightening Breath in a straight line, though it requires a Dex save, it will only target one of us. But no worries because with this bonus provided by Aura of Protection we have a better chance of surviving to get close enough to kill the wounded red dragon. Plus, it is already wounded and they just have to finish the job.

The monk thinks it over and is like "wow if I am with in 10 feet of this Paladin then my Dex Save with go up to 11, and with Bless I get an additional 1d4 bonus to my saving throw so I practically cant fail the save". Note the Paladin has Dex 10 (+0), so he figures well I can get a bonus to my non existent Dex Save and he tells the group he will buff their HPs. The Warlock also figures well "now my Dex Save goes up to 7 I should be ok along with the 1d4 bonus from Bless spell!" The paladin, as mentioned before has the Leadership feat, so with this and Aid spell each of the group members HP is increased by 15. And thanks to Bless spell their rolls (saving throws, attack rolls) are buffed with 1d4. So they are all excited and ready to move forward.

As you can imagine the whole encounter didnt go as planned.

The young red dragon was not paying attention to the group at first but as the players neared the dragon I had them roll a stealth check: the Warlock and the Monk succeed but the Paladin rolls a natural 1. He practically trips and falls making a huge sound as his armor bangs up against the stones on the ground, that attracts the attention of the young dragon. The players glared at the paladin.
Since the Young Dragon was approached by the group of 3 players all huddled next to each other gladly reaping the bonus of the Aura of Protection granted by the Paladin, they were a prime target for its fire breathing attack. I felt bad for them but, as a responsible DM, I had to play the part of the dragon. Once they came in range I used the Fire Breath, which causes a 30ft Cone of Fire to reach out and catch the entire group. They all roll their Dex Saves but everyone rolls a 1 except for the paladin who rolls a 3 but with no dex modifier his +4 bonus and 1d4 bonus to his saving roll would not have been enough to reach the DC 17 to at least take only half damage.

They look at the paladin contemptibly and with terrified looks watch as I roll 14d6 (instead of the 16d6 cause I was trying to go easy on them) where I roll mostly 5s and 6s and they take 74 damage each. They are all toast!

So as you can imagine, they were all attached to their characters they raised up from Level 2. They looked so somber about their losses and ontop of it they didnt even get a chance to strike at the dragon once. So I told them it was a bad dream they had the night before their march into the wastelands. It was an omen in their dreams telling them not to go there, for now at least.

Since then they keep their distance from each other, no matter how spectacular the Aura of Protection is.

[Dimodidude]

One time, my group was playing 4e and we were invading Vera's base. (I don't remember the campaign) my friend Dan played an eladrin swordmage, who was very athletic. His character was buff as hell XD. My other friend, Joshe, (three joshes in our group including dm) has a human monk. I played a dwarf ranger, and he had "intense experience" meaning I could choose a small skill. My dm allowed this due to my character being weak. I chose to dual weild crossbows and reload both as a minor action. I also had a Warhammer and short sword. That day, the only other person there was a druid, but she left way early. An NPC called Lyla the Queer also was there. So we had a bunch of beef with this particular water Elemental named Vera because she was supplying weapons to The Demon King. This was obviously a problem but later on we found out she did it will need to get him out of her hair. However we still had to have an encounter because Lila had messed up and gotten into a trap. Vera said that she would only let Lyla go if we entertained her. Using my dungeoneering skills I made a set of double six dominoes in 10 minutes in game. Apparently Vera doesn't like losing and we found that out the hard way. Although one of our characters left mid game to go into a room with another siren (this was Dan.) Needless to say he came out of that room about 30 minutes (in game) later missing 40 gold pieces. So anyway long story short we saved a Lyla and obtained some gear in the process without battling the water Elemental but we all were pretty mad at Dan for tricking himself. He replied with "hey as Long as I get my D*** sucked!" Our party was mostly comprised of Juniors and one senior and like two freshmen so we were obviously a little immature.

[WaspIV]

A little further into the campaign I am running from the last story.
The party had rescued another PC, so were now up to 4 PCs and a pet Worg.
Still at lvl 1, they arrived in town, looking for a dwarf, who they had heard could train them in combat. When they find him, he condescendingly sends them out to find him a dwarven Warhammer before he will train them. (In this world, the dwarves are nearly extinct, and dwarven weapons and armor are rare.)
They hear that there is a small cache of dwarven equipment guarded by an unknown monster in a nearby cave, so they decide to go see if there is a Warhammer in cache.
As they approach the cave, they perform several perception checks, but find nothing.
Entering the cave (the entrance of which is a tight squeeze for the Worg), they perform several more perception checks ("I look at the ceiling."), but again find no signs of a monster.
Several dead bodies, ranging from several days to several months old litter the floor, causing the Worg to snuff rather hungrily. Along one side, there is a raised dias with a crudely carved statue of a demon standing in the middle. And along the back wall were 2 chests and a small pile of golden jewelry and trinkets.
None of the PCs knew about gargoyles, and I wasn't about to ruin the surprise, so the examination of the statue was cut short by the discovery of a Warhammer in one of the chests (LARGE chest, mind you.) As they gathered around to look at it, the gargoyle started moving. Its first attack was a complete miss (for both bite and claw.), and before it could attack again, it was grappled by the Worg.
The players gathered around and began beating it, knocking bits of stone off here and there. The gargoyle managed to break free once, but was immediately grappled again.
The Sorcerer, impatient with how long it was taking to kill the gargoyle, decided to use her latest acquisition, a ring of fireball*. WHILE THE PARTY IS GATHERED AROUND THE GARGOYLE!
When the smoke cleared, all the PCs and the Worg were down with -4 to -11HP, leaving the gargoyle standing in a pile of dying bodies.
Not wanting a TPK, I made the gargoyle take the Warhammer back, swear at the PCs and then leave.

3 of the players managed to stabilize, but the 4th and the Worg both died.
I had to have a talk OOC with the players about their options, especially with the dead Ranger, who was quite upset over her dead Worg.
They decided to cut off the tip of the Worg's tail, and a finger off the dead Ranger. (typical, right?).

I was feeling bad, so I let them find a wizard capable of casting resurrection in the little town where they went to recover. Only, they didn't have 1,000 gold to pay him.

Finally, after scraping together every coin they had, selling all the gems they'd acquired and finding a buyer for their potion of greater healing, they managed to get the Ranger resurrected.

The Ranger now wanders around with a footlong section of a Worg's tail, trying to scrape together enough gold to afford another resurrection spell.
AND the party must either go track down the gargoyle, or find another dwarven Warhammer.

* before anyone says "OP", this sorcerer LOVES using the sleep spell with disastrous (to my encounters) results. I dare not have the party meet creatures with a combined total of less than 30HP, or she will put them all to sleep, and then the Fighter with her +5 damage will demolish them before they wake.
So, I gave the fireball ring a side-effect, which is that it removes her ability to cast other spells while wearing it.:smallcool:

[Vessyra]

I'm the DM, and today, I had the joy of rolling THREE NATURAL TWENTIES IN A ROW!

It was for initiative. And the monsters still ended up going second to last.

[Spookykid]

Not sure if this is funny or sad but here goes.

Level 3 party, going back to where an evil necromancer lived. Didnt kill each other last time and just talked.

This time they were set to kill it. They get to the main entrance chamber filled with zombies, use some nice tactics and take them all out. Good job.

They know the main door autolock and dont bother figuring out how to unlock it. Umm ok sure. They ready some spells and the barbarian bashes down the door to go farther in. Welp, that set off the trap that they forgot was there. They all take the hit and loose the spell slots because its a hallway with another door at the end. Ahh yea forgot about that too. Same plan for this door? Really??? Ok if you insist, barbarian bashes it in while spell chuckers have spells preped. No trap but dont see anything in the room but dont actually go in. Loose the spell slots. The barb stands there while they come up with a new plan. I the main entrance room they gather around while the wiz ritually casts detect magic. Umm really? I cant not have the necro which is actually a level 5 wizard drop a fireball on them. I pretty sure he had plenty of warning. Boom everyone but the barb drops. He gets swarmed by zombies and dies. Death saves for everyone! 2 people actually roll 20s so they pop up with 1 hp. No where to run because the locked front door. Ooops, party wipe. It was funny for me and a couple players because these characters were never meant to be played longterm. Several other players were way to upset, so i had to taunt them the rest of the weekend.

[NazfangDaRokk]

D&D 5E, lv 6 party. I play a Barb/Fighter named Ferrus. He's tough as nails, stronger than an 2 oxen, and dumb as a post, but sometimes he has pretty good ideas.
Our DM gets clever with the campaign, often throwing in home brewed monsters or scenarios, just to see what we'll do. This time, he took a page from Shadow of the Colossus. So we're fighting this 80' tall, 120' long rock-bear-gollum-thing, and doing pitiful damage. Luckily it only had melee attacks, and they were easy to dodge. Our bard is straight up nuts (true chaotic neutral), so she decides she would like this gigantic monster to be a sheep. She casts polymorph and the colossus crit fails its save. It is now a sheep.
Now, the party is faced with a dilemma; if we hit it, it goes back to massive. If we wait an hour, it goes back to massive. Ferrus then does the only reasonable thing he can think of. He hops on his broom of flying, grabs the sheep (that is the size of a volkswagon beetle), and heads straight up. For 25 minutes (or so, he can't count that well) he flies straight up, and when he reached about 2800', lets go of the sheep. The colosheep instantly dies upon impact from 280D6 falling damage (roughly 1000 points of damage) and immediately reverts back to being the impossibly huge creation it was, while still carrying the momentum of a 280 story fall. Neverwinter, being over 80 miles away, felt the impact tremors. The party had successfully slain the colossus and was thanked, warily, by the magister of Neverwinter, and was politely asked to try not to break anything.

[TrT8r]

I honestly feel bad for our DM sometimes. He keeps on trying to kill us, but we just keep on summoning giant spiders and eagles, or throwing biscuits to detonate traps, or letting the ranger set everything off. He just can't win.

[thorr-kan]

I honestly feel bad for our DM sometimes. He keeps on trying to kill us, but we just keep on summoning giant spiders and eagles, or throwing biscuits to detonate traps, or letting the ranger set everything off. He just can't win.
FAIR WARNING: I may define things differently than your DM.

It sure *sounds* like he's winning:
creative players
nonstandard solutions
the patented Ranger-Trap-Detection-System (tm) (I prefer the patented Halfing-Trap-Detection-System, myself)
razor thin escapes

Sounds like an awesome time.

[Vessyra]

Nay! Tha elf-trap-de'ection sys'em (tm) work tha best!

[thorr-kan]

Nay! Tha elf-trap-de'ection sys'em (tm) work tha best!
Since it was my halfling who was originally being used as the trap detection system (friggin' troll players characters...), I patented it.

It took 15 years, but I was able to get back at one of those players. He made the mistake of playing a halfling sorcerer in World's Largest Dungeon. My half-orc gleefully used him to detect many, many traps.

Revenge is sweet.

You make a telling argument, and your idea intrigues me. I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. That being said, I believe halflings' small sizes and strong senses are superior to elves' strong senses when being deployed as a trap-detection system, at least when deployed by a medium creature.

(ETA: Spelling. Always spelling.)

[JBPuffin]

My party took out an entire troop of goblins using a goblin corpse, a successful Linguistics check and another successful Persuasion check, and an Unseen Servant. Also a rock trap that rolled exactly enough damage. Their dice love them...

[Vessyra]

That goblin killing Ruben Goldburg machine plan sounds hilarious.

As for the newsletter, I was unfortunately was the elf in question, not the dwarf, so I had a very close-up view of the pro's and con's of the Elf Trap Detection system. We recently used the dwarf's stealth system (knocking out anyone who sees us), the dwarf's house infiltration system (smashing the glass) and the dwarf's lock-picking system (axing the lock).

My elf can't actually tell anyone of the pro's and con's of the system; as you may have noticed above, I used the past tense for the elf. I am now a halfling.

But enough marketing! Now for today's story.

We were playing a one-shot due to reasons lost to the mists of time. Our newest member was known for his horrible, horrible luck, and so was trying out different methods of dice-rolling in order to get numbers above ten. He had decided to try swinging his hand parallel to the table then turn his hand so the dice fell out onto the table. And it was working! It was working so well, he started using great weapon master! Then, he was about to roll his attack that was sure to be the killing blow against the Terrifying Monster. He swung his hand, sending the dice rolling along the table...

Then, somehow, the die curved and rolled back towards the edge of the table, and landed perfectly in the centre of my friend's hand.

I still have no idea what happened, but hey, at least he got to re-roll it into a twenty.

[TrT8r]

Today, our party was raiding a temple of elemental evil fire. We come across a room with 2 barriers and an altar in the middle, which we know contain fire elementals. Figuring there is no way around them, one of the party attacks a brazier, releasing the elementals. Keep in mind that all of us except for one hexblade are all grouped in a hallway.
Then, we got stood on by a fire elemental. We all caught on fire and I evacuated that area, into the main room. After a few rounds of most people being on fire and taking heavy damage, one of the elementals died, leaving two, one heavily wounded. My familiar dies, and the other party members decide to teleport themselves out of the dungeon to heal.
This would be fine, but I WAS NOT IN THE TELEPORT AREA. Neither was the hexblade. Two warlocks are not any match for an elemental. I started running for my life while the hexblade whittled down an elemental. I light on fire but can't stop. So two flaming tiefling Warlocks are booking it while shooting off eldritch blasts. After a few rounds, we manage to finish them off, right before our party returns at full hitpoints.
Later, after having rested, we come across some cultists in heavy armour, four to be exact. One sneak attack and 2 wands of lightning bolt later, only 1 remains (They killed my familiar with lightning), but there are still 2 spellcasters and some ogres. They throw two fireballs. I counter the first, and the hexblade is about to do the same, but then decides that, and I quote "Well, you guys abandoned us.". So we take a fire ball, but me and him make our check and have resistance, so we took a negligible amount of damage.
All's well that ends well, I guess. EXCEPT FOR MY DEAD FAMILIAR. :smallfurious:

[hotflungwok]

I registered just to add to this thread. I've been gaming for 20+ years, in many different systems, and have a lot of stories.


2nd Ed AD&D game in Sigil, the thing we were looking for had been stolen and was inside a building we had just finished scouting out. It was dark inside, and we saw shadowy figures with loaded crossbows in all the windows. So of course we start planning on what we're going to do. You go here and I'll cast this spell and then he does this and on and on and on. We had been at it for half an hour without consensus when, during a lull in the conversation, the fighter went 'Ugh, think too much.'. All of us had a moment of 'Well, he's not wrong.', and I mimed raising a sword in the air and yelled 'Charge!', and so we all just ran screaming at the building. Turns out there was only a few defenders in there, the crossbows were real but the shadowy figures were wooden cut outs. We made short of work of them and found the thing. The player didn't know that, he was just bored with all the talking.


The main bad guy in the story above was a wizard who cast all of his spells and then fled before we could take him down. Our wizard had also cast all of his spells already and was waiting outside 'in case any of them tried to escape'. So the main bad guy runs into our wizard outside, and they attack each other. Two low level 2nd Ed wizards with no spells trying to hit each other with staffs. They went 10 rounds of combat without doing any damage before we got to them, and then the party just stood there and watched the spectacle for at least another 5 rounds. There was much giggling and commenting on the prowess of mages in general. Finally, the bad guy hit our wizard for 1 whole point of damage. He yelled 'Help!' and our fighter charged forward and killed the bad guy. Thus ended the Battle of Those Two Idiots Outside the Warehouse.


I was in college, playing 2nd Ed AD&D in one of the older buildings at the school with a group from the gaming club. It's around 11 PM or so, and raining cats & dogs outside. We're in a big battle with the big baddie and it's been a tough fight right from the beginning. Half the party is down, the wizard is out of spells, but the big baddie is the only one left, and the paladin is up to bat. He says he's using his last smite, and all of the players are on the edge of thier seat watching, cuz this could end it. The player raises his hand and yells 'By Heironeous' power I smite thee!' and threw his die. And at that moment lightning struck nearby, with a deafening boom that shook the building and made the lights flicker. After it quieted down we looked for his d20 to see what he rolled, and couldn't find it (it rolled off the table). The DM said 'You know what? That gets you a 20. Roll damage.' The big baddie died, we won.


2nd Ed AD&D, playing a newly rolled 1st level wizard. Each of the characters were doing their own thing in a new town prior to meeting, and my character heard there was a big library here. So I walk up to it, and get stopped by a guard.
'Only wizards are allowed in the library.'
'But I am a wizard!'
'Oh yeah? Prove it.'
So I cast Sleep on him. I stepped over the now snoring guard and went into the library. A few minutes later he came running in and wanted me to fill out some forms, which is apparently what I was supposed to do to prove I was a wizard.


One of the characters I played with in a TFOS game was a human inventer type. Squishy, but always had weird gadgets, usually given to him randomly by the GM. One of them was an basketball sized AI controlled coffee machine that hovered and followed him around. Sometimes hitting a button dispensed coffee, sometimes it sprayed boiling hot chocolate in a random direction. In one episode, one of the many recurring baddies summoned a big dragon and set it on us. Some of the characters engaged the dragon in melee, the inventer hid so he wouldn't get toasted. So when he pops his head out to see what's going on a few rounds later, he finds that the dragon is facing away from him, fighting with the other characters.
To the GM: 'The dragon doesn't notice me?'
'Nope.'
'I'm right behind it?'
'Yup.'
'I grab my coffee machine, push all the buttons at the same time, and ram it where the sun don't shine. And then run.'
Once we got done laughing, the GM described the sudden look of confusion and then shocked horror on the dragon's face, which prompty vanished back to where it came from. The coffee machine remained behind, and fell to the ground after the dragon disappeared. The display on the front planel just said 'Kill Me'. Also, we found out later that after that any attempt to summon a dragon to our area always failed, because no dragon would answer the call.


So I'm over a friend's house and we're about to play the last game in the campaign (D&D 3.5), at least for a while, because two of the players are expecting an imminent addition to their party. Tara & Mike show up. Tara is very pregnant. She's due in a few days, but her doctor says it could be any time. We make all the jokes about having boiling water and towels standing by, and how she's going to want to play just one more round before she has to leave, etc. Game play commences. Two hours into the normally six hour session, Tara announces that she has to go to the bathroom. She has said this every 20 min or so for the past 2 hours, so we thought nothing of it. She stands up, frowns for a second, and then announces that her water has broken. This is greeted with laughter and then stunned silence at the look on her face. She's not kidding. Her husband jumps up, begins frantically shovelling everything on the table into their bags, and then helps her up the stairs and out to the car. They leave. We were one player short going into it, and now we've only got 2 out of 5 players. So, the D&D game was called on account of childbirth, a first for me.


Same group as the one above, an earlier adventure had us in the depths of a tomb looking for the Bad Undead Thing that was causing trouble. We finally came to a large ornate room with a stone sarcophagus in the middle. On top of the sarcophagus was a big stone lid. We arranged ourselves around it, and got ready for the fight. I cast Levitate on the lid and raised it up about 10 feet. The Bad Undead Thing, a mummy of some sort, sat up, and began telling us all in a Scary Voice how we were doomed and what he would do with our corpses and... and I stopped Levitating the big stone lid. One earthshaking thud (and one tableshaking facepalm from the GM) later the now very angry and very injured mummy rose up out of the rubble to attempt to make good on his threat. We dispatched it quickly.


Playing in a Pathfinder Adventure Path, we made it into the big baddie's castle and was in the process of clearing it out. I think we were 13th or 14th level at this point. Before we opened every door we did the usual arranging and buffing and doing makeup, etc. Only we found that door after door held nothing of any interest to us behind it. Empty rooms, bad artwork, broom closets, like 10 rooms in a row at least. So we're standing in front of the next one, and yet again we start arranging our minis at the unmarked normal looks doors.
Me: 'Why are we doing this? There's going to be nothing behind this one either!'
Another player: 'You don't know that.'
'The last ten had nothing. Look at all the spells we wasted. We all listened at the door, there's nothing in there. See?'
And my wizard opened the double doors, only to reveal the dire tiger waiting behind it, which pounced on him and took him out in one horrible flurry of claws, teeth, and screaming. The other party members killed the tiger, healed me, and never let me forget it. After that we always took time setting up before a door, cuz you just never know.

[Vessyra]

I need to try a 'wizard fight' one day. That story was friggin' hilarious. It was also odin', thor' and loki' hilarious, too.

The high-level group of adventures that I DM had been wandering through dungeons and battlefields, doing good and getting loot. So far, they had accumulated a total of 15,000 gold pieces, along with several magic items. So they were shocked when they opened up the portable hole of their latest enemy to discover that this monster had accumulated a total of three hundred THOUSAND

Copper pieces. They had just discovered 300,000 thousand copper pieces, and 100 copper=1 gold piece.

A few sessions later, they found themselves in a foreign city on a whole new continent, and were eager to purchase some magic items. It was then they discovered that this city, along with the rest of the country, only deals in two currencies: electrum and copper. Their 15,000 gold pieces was now just shiny and heavy. The players starting making relatively minor transactions using huge amounts of coins, spending 40,000 cp on a bag of holding, and 15,000 on three standard potions of healing. It was quite interesting for the players to look at money that wasn't platinum or gold; one player didn't realise that he even had electrum pieces, let alone hundreds, and another player browsing through his various wealths discovered that he had somehow gain more than one hundred thousand silvers pieces (10,000 gold), meaning that he was richer than the rest of the party put together!

[TheYell]

The party, which by accident was all guys forty or older, found a cult of human sacrifice under a town, and two survivors who said everybody from the Elders on down were members.

So, we decide to lynch the Elders.

The GM was in his twenties, and this was totally off his radar. He didn't have names or stats for the Elders. He didn't draw a battle map or put out miniatures. He wasted an hour having guard after guard try to grapple us and tie us up and knock us out.

We slew all but one, who confessed and named names.

The town fled our wrath, and our GM tried to guilt us by saying we had slain an innocent Elder. We declared him guilty of presenting a damn bad defense.

Session ended with the party in possession of an abandoned town, with the sole remaining resident named Mayor, our ranger appointed Sheriff, and our GM vowing vengeance.

I just found it funny to make a railroad run a dirt road uphill out of sheer grit.

[hotflungwok]

More


Played in a Mekton game at college, the group numbered 10 or more at times and most battles took a while. In Mekton, energy weapons can be connected to the mek's power source, meaning it doesn't use ammo, and can fire as long as the mek is intact. This was expensive construction-wise, so it was generally only used on little guns, like anti-missle weapons. The max range of a weapon was the weapon's range squared, and shooting at a target beyond the weapon's range meant a hefty penalty. However, if your weapon doesn't use up ammo, you might as well fire it from long range, you could get lucky. It was standard practice for most of us to take a potshot at long range at the approaching enemy using our anti-missile laser, hoping to roll a 10 (which exploded). So my first big battle with the group, my mek (which didn't have an energy anti-missle weapon) gets targeted by an enemy.
Enemy rolls a 10 to hit, and 9 on the 2nd dice. I'm hit.
Where? Rolls a 1: head.
If an attack beats the defender's roll by 10 or more, it bypasses the mek's armor and goes straight to the internals. His did.
Rolls to see which internal was destroyed by the hit: cockpit.
First shot of the game, I'm out. The battle took 4 sessions, 4 weeks to resolve. It's funny now I guess.


During a D&D 3.0 game (we had just switched from 2nd Ed) our group found out that the kobolds in the area we were trying to take care of were going to attack a town. We went to the town to help them defend, and try to take them all out in one go. As we were going through our various abilities to plan what we were going to do, one of the players announces that he has a Bag of Tricks, something he got randomly a while ago. We laugh a bit, and add it to the list, hoping to get something useful. So when the attack begins, the character reaches into the bag and throws out... a goat. All of us groan, thinking the battle just got that much harder. However, that goat accounted for 8 kobolds by himself with his 1d4 headbutt, and never once got hit. It's actions saved characters from going down twice. By the end of the battle we were cheering on the mighty battle goat, and were sad to see it go. When we left the successfully defended town, the mayor was talking about erecting a statue to it.


Playing a 1920's Call of Cthulhu game, we were asked to investigate the disappearance of a college professor. We go talk to his wife first. At this point he's only been gone one day, but it's really out of character for him. As we get information out of her, we begin offering suggestions of where he might have gone. One of the players, running a French gendarme (?), suddenly says 'Perhaps he was brutally slaughtered?' in this heavy (outrageous really) French accent. The whole table stops and looks at him in stunned silence. Then the GM announces that the professor's wife starts crying, some of the players try to comfort her, and one of us says to the French character 'Youre not allowed to talk anymore'. The player didn't understand why what he said was bad cuz it was obviously a possibility, and had to have it explained to him.


Call of Cthulhu again, this time Horror on the Orient Express. We are in Italy, and have been poking around a house controlled by Brown Shirts looking for information. We get seen and a fight ensues. It ends when one of the characters grabs a sub-machine gun off of a Brown Shirt about to gun us down, and kills the last three of them with it. A group of them coming out of the house sees this, and when the character turns the gun on them, they surrender. So he marches them back into the house, and holds them at gunpoint in the kitchen where he discovers they were in the middle of lunch, while we ransack the place looking for the information we think is there. The GM is going from player to player asking 'What are you doing?' When he gets to the character holding the sub-machine gun, the player says 'I want one of them to make me a sandwich.' He doesn't speak Italian, and the Brown Shirt thugs don't speak English. So the character grabs one of the Brown Shirts out of the group, and pushes him over to the lunch laden table, and starts bellowing instructions at him in English and pointing with the barrel of the gun. 'Make me a sandwich!' 'Cut the bread thinner!' 'I said roast beef not ham!' 'More mustard!' With the GM miming the Brown Shirt's terrified actions, somehow he eventually manages to make a sandwich.
'I keep my gun pointed at the guy's face and I take a bite of the sandwich, how is it?'
'It's pretty good.'
'OK, I push him back to the group and don't shoot him in the face.'
'He looks relieved and confused.'


Playing MERP (Rollmaster lite, exploding % rolls), we're trying to sneak past a guard into a ruined fort. The hobbit, who is good with throwing things, speaks up:
'I throw a rock past the guard so he looks away from us.'
'Roll it.'
02
'Ok, you actually hit the guard with your rock. Make a hit roll.'
99, 89
'Um, wow, ok, that's a crit, roll it.'
97, 60
'Your rock cracks his skull, he drops to the ground unconscious and is bleeding to death.'
'So we can sneak past now?'
'Sneak past what?'


In a one shot Paranoia game, we're going somewhere 'completely safe' to deal with 'nothing dangerous whatsoever', so of course we've all been outfitted with various types of heavy weaponry including a cone rifle (think bazooka or RPG). Unfortunately, the Variety Pack of shells that came with it have no labels on any of them. Most of the time we tried to keep him from firing it cuz we didn't know what would happen and didn't want to end up gibbed or gassed or buried under rubble, which of course frustrated the player. So we're trudging through the sewers looking for 'nothing unusual at all' with orders to 'report back if you find anything unusual'. At some point we get attacked by a giant octopus type thing that is trying to grab us with its tentacles from underwater. The guy with the cone rifle says he's gonna shoot into the middle of the tentacles. Once again we try to stop him from firing, but he insists that if it goes off underwater we'll be protected from most of the blast. So the GM has him roll to see what kind of shell he used. The player rolls something very high, the GM consults his chart, his eyes go wide and after a second he tells us to all mark off a clone. We look at each other, and the guy who fired it asks what kind of shell it was. The GM just grins and says 'nuclear'.


Played a home brew 3.5 game with some friends, heavy on dungeon delving. We're going through this old ruin, mapping as we go. A twisty tunnel leads us into a large square room with many exits going off in all directions.
So we just pick the exit closest to where we came in, and continue exploring. This leads to a dead end.
We go back to the big room, and go to the next exit. That one takes us down a long empty tunnel that ends back in the big room. We're a bit confused at this point.
So we pick another exit, 20 feet then a dead end.
The next exit is a short hallway that leads around to the exit right next to it.
One of the exits leads to a hallway ending in a secret door, which opens into the in the big room.
There were no other rooms, just long empty tunnels, and we spent an hour mapping all of it. We're all well and truly confused now, so we ask the DM what we're missing. He says 'Oh I found some dungeon making software and I'm trying it out. This is the first randomly generated map it gave me, unedited.' Cue simultaneous facepalms.


Playing a 2nd Ed AD&D module, Temple of Elemental Evil I think, when we come across a Cloak of Elvenkind. Two of us are elves, so the DM gives us a good chance to recognize it without having to ID it. Both of us roll %, trying to get under 50: 99, 98.
The DM stares at our rolls for a second, and goes 'Well, it's definitely cloth.'
'It's cloth?'
'Yup.'
'We think it's cloth?'
'You pretty sure it's cloth.'
'Its cloth.'
'With those rolls you're lucky you don't think it's beef jerky.'
So the phrase 'It's cloth' came to mean 'I rolled so bad I couldn't find my own butt with both hands and a scrying pool.'


Pathfinder Adventure Path (some details changed to avoid spoilers), we're in a dream dimension where the big bad guy is, and we're getting close. However, getting this far has really drained us, so rather than risking a TPK right at the end, we're looking for a place to rest for the night. We found a way to get to an extra dimensional space earlier, to get there you have to stand in a marked area and think of something specific. The extra dimensional space is a large opulent bedroom, with bookshelves and clothes racks and a big spread of food. So we eat, read, and sleep for the night.

When we wake up the food has been replenished, the books are back on the shelf, and the bed is made. We realize everything has been reset. A bit of scrying reveals that all the things we killed yesterday are back, and a good number of them are converging on the entrance to the room we're in. Some of them are going to be there before we're ready (memorizing spells, making bombs/extracts, etc), and they're probably all going to be holding actions waiting for us. So we come up with a plan.

We summon a mite, explain to him how to get out of the extra dimensional space, and that we need to him to scout ahead for us. I cast an illusion on the mite so it looks like our group's barbarian. We arrange ourselves on the area and wait for the mite to go first, then we go right after. The mite appears, triggers all the held actions, takes a truly heroic of amount of damage, and vanishes. We pop in, lay down some serious smack, and then run before more ugly can show up. We beat the big bad, go home, and erect a statue to that poor mite.

[Khedrac]

Playing MERP (Rollmaster lite, exploding % rolls), we're trying to sneak past a guard into a ruined fort. The hobbit, who is good with throwing things, speaks up:
'I throw a rock past the guard so he looks away from us.'
'Roll it.'
02
'Ok, you actually hit the guard with your rock. Make a hit roll.'
99, 89
'Um, wow, ok, that's a crit, roll it.'
97, 60
'Your rock cracks his skull, he drops to the ground unconscious and is bleeding to death.'
'So we can sneak past now?'
'Sneak past what?'
Sounds like a really good group, but on that one you were very lucky the GM was being kind...

I would expect that to be:

'I throw a rock past the guard so he looks away from us.'
'Roll it.'
02
That's open ended - keep rolling
99, 89
'Um, wow, ok, that's a bad fumble, roll it.'
97, 60

And your character totals themselves with their attack roll of negative 186 and a fumble roll of 153 (though I don't remember crits and fumbles being open-ended - possibly you got two crit results, 97 is usually pretty lethal (the table went over 100 because crits could get + 20 to them).

[hotflungwok]

He did actually roll a second time after the 02, I just forgot to include it. We laughed when the GM said it hit the guard, and none of us expected it to do anything but alert him, so we were surprised when the GM asked for a hit roll. That character had points in throwing things, he was good at it. While we didn't expect a crit, we also didn't expect damage. I dont think the GM expected a crit either, and just went with it when it happened.

[Khedrac]

He did actually roll a second time after the 02, I just forgot to include it. We laughed when the GM said it hit the guard, and none of us expected it to do anything but alert him, so we were surprised when the GM asked for a hit roll. That character had points in throwing things, he was good at it. While we didn't expect a crit, we also didn't expect damage. I dont think the GM expected a crit either, and just went with it when it happened.

That makes more sense - still sounds like a great group.

[Vessyra]

A sprite seated atop a kobold atop a halfling atop a goat atop a goliath atop a giant goat. The sprite and kobold are also members of the most dangerous mercenary group in the multiverse.

This has been a DM's advice on why not to give your parties obscene amounts of gold! (As well as copper and silver) They will abuse it in the weirdest ways you can think of.

The goliath is currently going through withdrawal from the deck of many things; I assume good stories are to come.

[thegoldsmith]

Ok so This is my first post here and I'm throwing up a funny story from my first ever campaign i played in.
to set the scene
(Me) a Blue Dragonborn Necromancer with a dream of a Circus run by black magic
(A) a Wood elf ranger who spent their time high and climbing buildings
(B) a High elf Paladin of Sune not so secretly a princess of a major elfish nation
(C) a A Human thief who was possibly the only full sane member of the party
(D) a Rock Dwarf Cleric of the Sun who had seemingly got his cleric powers the same way as Kuo-toa

We were hired to save a hostage from Half-Orc to gain favor with a high ranking criminal we needed. So after brutally murdering him we saved the hostage from what was essentially a crime den after convincing our way unharmed inside. Our ranger left through the window get to the roof and gave us a few seconds warning to hide or escape a patrol of guards on the way....we got as far as the Lobby/Bar. Now here is where it gets interesting. I'd already cast Alter self earlier because I was Wanted and didn't have any other way to disguise myself, so I shifted to look like a human and sat at a table next to the party and started drinking an abandoned drink just before the guards came in...I was thinking that I'd come with the ranger and break them out because they were covered in the Half-Orc's blood and the Hostage had ran screaming from the building from my natural 1 in calming them down. After a moment the DM decided that the guards would arrest everyone in the building. I think it was to advance the plot. This is the funny part. My character stood up walked over to the Captain of the Guard and and tried to convince him that he could not do that without a warrant. roll's 20. I then continued in that track and convinced them not to arrest my blood soaked allies. roll's 20. I ended up getting a large bonus in gold for saving an important location in a criminal empire by convincing a Captain he needed a warrant, without even being sure that warrants were a thing in this particular city or World.

[dehro]

How we were almost defeated by a river, twice.
A party of 6, headed towards the city of Baldur's Gate as we play Hoard of the dragon Queen.
We're spread over 3 different river barges, each holding two of us and our respective ponies and horses.
The first obstacle are the rapids. The first barge makes it through, the second one capsizes and the third one is damaged. During this time we lose all but one of the horses, our half-elven sorcerer risks drowning only to be saved by our halfling monk in an unusual feat of strength.
We regroup and split over two of the barges for the remainder of the journey.
Half a day later, we're ambushed by ogres who use a spiked net to block passage under a bridge. This time 2 out of 6 risk drowning, one has to pay off the ogres to make it out alive, the last remaining pony is left to his own devices when the people on his barge jump ship. He dies horribly, killed by the spiked net, as we lose yet another barge.
Crammed in the last remaining barge and with a belly full of horse meat, we make it into Baldur's Gate and make an entrance not unlike that of Jack Sparrow in the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie.
We don't like rivers anymore.

[ShadowUmbreon]

5e

Scene/Backstory: I'm newish to the group, started at level 5.

The crew:
Ur'onk - Barbarian; who loves to F*** anything female. He has to make saves to try not to.

Xera - Fighter; has nearly same health as Ur'onk, the sort of brains of our group.

Shadow (Me) - Ranger; I just sort of try to do my best. Got a Pseudodragon named Dusk.

Kibb - FaerieDragon; Sticks near Xera, loves Ramen.

The Story:
We just arrived in Xera's home city. Me and Ur'onk are part of a crime family and are tasked with killing a duke of sorts. Ur'onk wonders off and learns about a deadly sickness, and we are trying to help Xera with family matters, in a sense.

Well something me and the DM brought into the game is Fairy Dust, which shrinks whatever it touches down to fairy size. I bought four viles of it, well while I was doing this Ur'onk went to a casino and drank and eventually passed out in the lawn of Xera's house. Now Ur'onk is very proud of his crotch, so when I saw him passed out I took one of the viles and poured it on his crotch.

When his character woke up he went from proud to super depressed. He tried to figure out who did it and this happened.

Ur'onk: (to Xera) did you do it?
Xera: No
Ur'onk: *Rolls to insight. 19
Dm: He seems to be telling the truth
Ur'onk: (to Me) did you do it?
Me: No
Ur'onk: *Rolls to insight. 4
DM: He seems to be telling the truth.
(Ur'onk's player gets up and curls up on the ground while the rest of us are crying laughing. So much so we had to end the game early because, and I quote, DM: "I can't follow up after that")

Next session the Ur'onk had to ask a doctor to fix his crotch, but now if he does something wrong we threaten him with a small crotch.

[Vessyra]

How we were almost defeated by a river, twice.
Water... the most deadly thing in dungeons and dragons. My first ever character had flaw: fear of the sea but, as he quickly found out (I began in an oceanic part of the campaign), fear of the sea isn't a flaw, it's a reasonable and necessary survival instinct.

Fear the water. No matter what armour you wear, no matter what your skill bonus, it will kill you.

[farothel]

This one is from Vampire, Dark Ages.

We had to stop a ritual to call up a demon and place it inside the body of a 4th generation Gangrel (with access to all the Gangrel's abilities and all the demon's abilities as well). We had managed to find out where they were going to do this and we also managed to get some allies. Arriving at the square we saw a number of smaller demons, ghosts and some Baali vampires and quickly a combat started.

My character, a true Brujah thief named Antonio, wasn't really a combat character and certainly not against supernatural beings. So I decided to help in another way. In the middle of the square, a Baali was doing the ritual and for that she needed a chalice (which had been stolen and had put us on the track of these cultists). She was holding this chalice and mixing her blood and that of sacrificed mortals into it.

So Antonio went into obfuscate (going invisible). While some of combattants had enough Auspex or other abilities to see through my obfuscate, they were in combat and had other things to worry about. Moving closer to the main Baali, he simply grabbed the chalice out of her hands and with his potence crushed it, thereby stopping the ritual and after the Baali teleported away, reducing the problem to a mop up action against the smaller demons, ghosts and other assorted hanger's on.

It was quite funny to have all this build-up, the suspence of the big battle and then the anticlimactic end of 'I walk up to the person holding the chalice, do a dexterity+legerdemain roll to snatch the chalice and then simply crush it with my supernatural strength and that was it'.

[Elvensilver]

Hello everyone, I really love this thread, it was one of the main reasons for me to Register. So without further ado: a story, that I hope you'll enjoy.

How the cleric got shot by a catapult- not once, not twice, but thrice in the same evening

setting is pathfinder, heavily homeruled, and with ludicrous amounts of powerfull items
relevant persons: Alina, human LG cleric (paladin in everything but name)

So, our two-person party (lvl. 8) was tasked with defending a city from a undead horde. The other party member, a bard, was currently held prison in another dimension, so it was just Alina, the cleric. So far, the defending part was going smoothly, skeletons dropped like flies to the cleric‘s holy magic.
But then, another enemy entered the fold: a human wizard or sorcerer that the party already knew for his dominate person spells. He won initiative, and proceeded to cast dominate person. Of course, Alina failed her save. He ordered her to take of her armor and give up her weapons, which she immediately did. Afterwards, he ordered her to climb into a catapult, with which the undead horde was besieging the city. That appearently wasn‘t against her nature or her surviaval instincts, so she did that, too. He let his henchman fire the catapult, and some rounds of flying later, she chrashed into a wall in the city.
That somehow broke the domination (as well as some bones). She healed up, grabbed her horse from the stables and rushed out of the citygates to get back her belongings and bring the evildoer to justice. A quick note: these were some seriously nice weapons he took, and the armor was +4 with light fortification and included the effects of a belt of giant‘s strenght and a headband of mental progress. Also, it was made out of gilded dragonscales. Really not something you can afford to lose so easily! So, second time, second dominate person: not even protection from evil helped well enought to ward it of. The catapult was loaded again, so she was fired again into the city.
Again, that broke the domination, and again, she rushed out to confront the sorcerer/wizard: after all, she had a superb will saving throw, and at some point, he would run out of dominate person spells, wouldn‘t he? Appearently he didn‘t. So again, flight via catapult into the besieged city.
The inhabitants and defending soldiers were already looking at her like a lunatic. Around this time, the bard escaped from his dimensional prison. Together they rushed out of the city. This time, the wizard fled, but he took the armor and as many weapons as he could carry with him…:smallfrown:
Luckily, he wasn‘t as strong as the cleric and at least couldn‘t quite carry the 60-pound warhammer.

[Tombguardians]

Some good stories here.

[Samwich]

So about a week ago, one of my friends decided to try running a special heist themed adventure for 5th edition, and invited a group of us over. We were trying to steal a magical staff from an elven king, but we didn't know the combination for the vault in which it was stored, nor did we know where the vault was. Obviously, some reconnaissance was necessary.
We infiltrated the castle by posing as members of the serving staff, and to our good fortune, we found that the castle had a system of laundry chutes running to every room. Too small and weak to hold a human or elf, but easily capable of supporting our halfling fighter. The daring halfling began a secret search of the castle, only to be caught when he emerged into a room filled with guards. He made his escape back through the chutes, but the castle was now on high alert searching for a halfling.
He managed to sneak out into the garden outside, but faced a problem. The whole castle was surrounded by a high wall lined with guards, with only one gate providing an exit. He was stuck. Only a crazy plan would get him out.
The party hid him near the garbage disposal, where no sane man would tread, then returned to the servants quarters. There, we systematically spread a carefully concocted tale- 'twas no halfling the guards saw, but a horrifying ghost, a vengeful spirit from the terrible slaughter of halflings which had taken place on the very ground the castle was built! Yes, this halfling ghost was furious that the elves had built their castle on his grave, and now he was out for blood.
By the end of the day, there was not a single servant or guard who had not heard the tale of the halfling ghost.
That night, the rogue doused the halfling in flour, covered him with a sheet, and told him:
"Run for the gates while howling like a mad man, and don't stop for anything!"
As the halfling began his run, the party began screaming, "Watch out! The ghost of the halfling! He'll kill us all!" It was too much for the poor guards, who all fainted on the spot or simply took off running. The halfling fled through the open gate, and the party began slapping each other on the back in congratulations.
But there was just one problem.
You see, this halfling was...special. As in, an intelligence so low, zombies recoiled from his brain. And his player fully committed to the character, even inventing special rules for himself that he had to follow. One such rule was that, due to such limited storage space in his brain, the halfling could only remember three things at a time. He had forgotten how to read in order to remember the rogue's instructions. Instructions which clearly specified,
"Do not stop for anything!"
So he didn't. And with his high strength and constitution, by the time the party realized our mistake, the halfling was almost thirty miles away.
Ever since that day, we made sure that the halfling always had a chaperone. Especially after we discovered that he was our worlds version of the Messiah. But that's another story.

[Vknight]

Cyberpunk Campaign; Player tried to seduce a 'bigfoot' that is all i can say because well there you go

[farothel]

in our last Pendragon campaign session we were in a huge battle. I mean, 10000+ people on both sides. In the past we had managed to hold a whole flank in a smaller battle and this time we were in an echelle together with some NPCs, but with one of the PCs leading it. About the only thing we ever did in the whole battle was 'push forward'. In a previous battle we had been the first (and only) group to manage to get into the enemy camp and we wanted to repeat that process.

Every round the PC leading had to roll a battle roll and every time he beat the GM by one or two, winning us the day. My character ended up within 2 hp of going unconscious but wouldn't give up, even at the end when we charged the Saxon king with his bodyguards. We managed to capture the king, but I didn't join too much of the victory celebrations as I was too busy healing (I could probably have done an Elan and come up to the surgeon with my spleen in my hand asking if I needed this).

[Vessyra]

A few weeks ago, the party of my game needed to sneak into an enemy fortress. Fortunately, that enemy fortress happened to be owned by a dragon named Riskal and our party had acquired some kobold followers. So, the party concocted a plan: they would send in some kobolds, claiming that they worked for the dragon, and asking to be let in. Then, when the gates were opened, the invisible party would sneak in.

So the kobolds approached the gate, and the party's invisible halfling said to one of the kobolds, "I'll tell you what you need to say. Say exactly what I say, alright?".

The halfling proceeded to say, "I am a kobold, come bearing news for the Riskal. Wait, actually, no, don't say that, that lie won't work. Say, I come bearing gifts that I wish to bring to Riskal".

I did mention that the halfling told the kobold to stay EXACTLY what I say. Also, kobolds have intelligence 8 and wisdom 7. So... the kobold said everything the halfling said. All of it.

D&D infiltration: always doomed to become a combat mission. Really, the only two questions are: #1 when will the party accidentally fail stealth and end up in combat, and #2 how many times will the be able to quietly take down the enemies, only to break stealth again later? In this case, they broke stealth three times. Two of those while the party was split, with the one character scouting ahead getting noticed.

[thegoldsmith]

This is the story of one of my players in a game I DM (D&D 5E) and their pet magical frog which survived the deck of many things

Basically the player in question is a Dragonborn zealot barbarian with a pet frog. now bear in mind that originally there was nothing magical at all about this frog (which he called Albert) but pretty much all players loved him he was with them from level 1 to 6 and over that time was subjected to magical alcohol tasting the results of which were it was slightly bigger and bright blue nothing else. Until the barbarian got a wish which he promptly spent on awakening the frog (his character was one of simple needs and joined the party because it seemed the best way to make money by fighting) and so Albert gained common speech and intelligence the plan i think was to turn him into the party rouge. All was well until the monk relieved they had wished for a deck of many things. After watching a few of the players draw cards and get great stuff (Really lucky) Albert cried out "3 CARDS" before it was put away and thus got to draw 3 cards. In order the frog drew Knight, Moon and Idiot cards so he got a frog with 4th level fighter abilities (the card specifically states that the knight is the same race as the one who drew) 3 wishes which he spent on getting a pond, a girlfriend and a giant fly. and the idiot card brought his intelligence back to what it was before he was awakened but he retained the power of speech. Now the party has to deal with him popping up sometimes and shouting stuff like "I WANT FLY" or "ARE WE BEING SNEAKY" at random times. and of course the barbarian looks to him for advice like how to raise a baby they found a little while later "PLACE BABY IN POND WAIT TILL IT HAS LEGS". The end hope you liked it.

[Vessyra]

This is precisely why the deck of many things is amazing. Chancing death or worse seems totally worth it for hilarious stuff like that.

Please tell me that the knight frog has full plate armour. Please, let it be so.

[dehro]

Two moments of our last session... We're playing hoard of the dragon queen. We have reached the castle in the swamp where the enemy cult is plotting something and need to gain access to the fortress.
I was late to the session and when I got there two of the players were carrying out a plan to try and cross the moat.
Basically one got into the moat with a rope tired around his waist, the other end being held by the other guy.
That's when I walked in. When they described the scene to me I pointed out "you realise that besides water, moats traditionally only contain ****, crocodiles or **** and crocodiles? So basically you're fishing for crocs with live bait..."
By the time I sat down, the guy in the moat had indeed been bitten by a crocodile and barely escaped with his life.

After the laughter died down, we found ourselves scrambling for another way to gain entry to the castle. One of the party suggested that we just walk up to the entrance... "Because they'll never expect us to"
My reason was "well... No, because it's a bloody stupid idea!!"
Of course it's what we ended up doing. We went in under the cover of darkness to try and be stealthy... Two of us can't see in the dark, all of the enemies have good night vision. Even so we might have succeeded if not for the sorceress who, upon seeing the enemy guards thought to get them with a fireball.
When it was pointed out to her that we were trying to be stealthy she said "it's just fire, that doesn't make much of a sound"
On the background a bunch of burning and screaming lizard folk and the Barbican was going up in flames.
Strategy is not our forte, but you know things are going badly when I, of all people, am the voice of reason at the table, not once but twice.

[thegoldsmith]

This is precisely why the deck of many things is amazing. Chancing death or worse seems totally worth it for hilarious stuff like that.

Please tell me that the knight frog has full plate armour. Please, let it be so.

Wears Tiny custom Samurai armor which acts as full plate

[DeTess]

When it was pointed out to her that we were trying to be stealthy she said "it's just fire, that doesn't make much of a sound"
On the background a bunch of burning and screaming lizard folk and the Barbican was going up in flames.
Strategy is not our forte, but you know things are going badly when I, of all people, am the voice of reason at the table, not once but twice.

That reminds me of the time we where sneaking into a watch tower in dnd 5e. We had the bright idea to start from the top, so I flew up with a rope. There where two guards on top, but I had a cunning plan.

Being a warlock I could basically magically punt both guards from the top of the tower. "Magic is mostly silent," I thought. "They'll never hear it comming," I thought.

Obviously, the guards spent the entire way down screaming.

[Lord Torath]

That's when I walked in. When they described the scene to me I pointed out "you realise that besides water, mistress traditionally only contain ****, crocodiles or **** and crocodiles? Remind me to stay well away from your harem! (Gotta love/hate that Autocomplete/correct feature) :smalltongue:

[dehro]

Remind me to stay well away from your harem! (Gotta love/hate that Autocomplete/correct feature) :smalltongue:

:smallsigh: such frustration...but yes, it's funny
I shall edit.

[The Big Bear]

My players noticed the only spot on the floor that wasn’t covered in dust inside of an old abandoned temple. The Druid in the group pokes the spot and, finding that it is an illusion, pokes his head through to see a 10 foot drop on the other side.
Further exploring the temple they find an exquisite feast prepared but covered in a layer of dust; Druid doesn’t care and grabs the turkey and starts chowing. They eventually make it back to the pit trap and he leans over and drops the now finished turkey in, narrowly avoiding the chandelier that came crashing past his head and into the hole a moment later.

[Pundarr]

3.5 campaign many moons ago. Our DM was a generous diety, granting extra XP for clever ideas and keeping in character IRL. Our party included an elven druid, his elven apprentice, gnome tinkerer, half-elf ranger, human rogue (me), and a human bard named Oberon Yeti-Bane. I’ll tell the tale of his name origin at a later time. Our adventure lasted the better part of a year, and there were several epic laughs. This was probably my favorite. We had come to a small city that was ruled by a powerful mage who had recently died, leaving control of the city to be fought over by his twin sons who were also wizards, each with a standing army of several hundred. One was power hungry and evil, the other was goodly and benevolent. We joined the forces of the latter. After several indecisive battles, the brothers each created golems as their champions. Our leader created a fearsome clay golem, but his dastardly brother used the remains of many of his own warriors to create a hulking flesh golem nearly twice the size of our own. Naturally our own golem was beaten in no time, as were our more common forces. So Oberon, whose player was a quick-witted and hilarious fellow, decided to take the group’s marble of holding and run up to the golem, hold the marble to its chest, and speak the command word. He made every roll demanded of him, and the golem was sucked off of the battlefield. Oberon was awarded double XP, and our group was hailed as the saviors of the city. Sadly and humorously, his idea and side effects; anytime we were engaged in stealth there was a large percentile chance that the marble would shake and make a Frankenstein-esque moaning sound, and whenever someone needed something from the marble, there was a percentile chance that the golem would grab them and pull them in for a good old fashioned beat down.

[thegoldsmith]

My players noticed the only spot on the floor that wasn’t covered in dust inside of an old abandoned temple. The Druid in the group pokes the spot and, finding that it is an illusion, pokes his head through to see a 10 foot drop on the other side.
Further exploring the temple they find an exquisite feast prepared but covered in a layer of dust; Druid doesn’t care and grabs the turkey and starts chowing. They eventually make it back to the pit trap and he leans over and drops the now finished turkey in, narrowly avoiding the chandelier that came crashing past his head and into the hole a moment later.

Cool Idea for a trap mind if I use it in my campaign? my players tend to ignore me when i say the area their in is too dangerous for their level.

[farothel]

Here are two stories (with the same party) from the first edition Warhammer Enemy Within campaign.

==SPOILER ALERT== If you are or will be playing the Enemy Within campaign, do not read further.


At one point the party arrived in Kislev in a village where an older guy lives who is a spy and we needed to find him. Apparently most of the groups that play this campaign spent hours trying to find him. We used the more direct route. I played an elf, so I had the idea to pose as a boyhood friend of this guy if we had to explain something. So we asked at the inn keeper if he knew the man and he just said 'sure, he lives over there.'
Nobody knew he was a spy and everybody in the village knew him and could point to where he lived. We had found the shortcut.

The same session we arrived at this guy's house and he had had a stroke, so he was bedridden. His wife was caring for him, but we needed to speak to him alone. Again, from what I heard most groups try to find convoluted plans to get rid of her (up to and including simply killing her). We just asked if we could have a cup of tea, getting rid of her for the few moments needed to speak to the guy alone and grab the documents he had hidden.



Second story. Again in Kislev we had gone into a temple run by two lesser chaos gods. Somehow we were turned into undead without us knowing and they offered to turn us back if we swore an oath (divinely enforced) not to talk about them ever. One of the party refused and died there (the player wanted to play another character, so this was a very good switch point), but the others agreed. Back in Praag we tried to get out of the oath and decided that what a god enforced, another god could undo. Since Morr didn't like undead, we decided to go to the temple of Morr and pray for divine intervention. The basic chance to get it was 1%, but you could lift that. By giving a large donation, getting the high priest to join us in praying and by keeping that up the whole night, we managed to get it up to the maximum of 15%. Two characters needed to roll (one other had died before), and I roll a 10 and the other an 11, so both succeed. Oath lifted by Morr, we could tell everything that happened up north.

[Marywn]

OK, I have a story of my aarakacro, and how she got second in a drinking contest against 4 dwarfs.


A fighter, Captain Sucker punch, the self absorbed, egotistical fighter, a dwarf refereed to as Drake(But it's dwarf batman) and My messanger monk Iss, signed up for a mead drinking contest.
My con bonus is +2
Naturally Iss didn't think it was a contest, and Drake was totally ready. The Captain didn't want to be beat so he joined in.
The contest started and Iss realized that she couldn't get out so she was force to participate and 4 other dwarfs also signed up.
Each one of use had two roll 3 con saves, Naturally the dwarfs made it. captian failed two of them, but wasn't out yet.
I rolled and got a 7 (DC is 10), a nat 20 and a 18.

Next round, Captain critically failed so he fell unconscious. THe dwarfs again make their saves, THe I roll a 20(no natural), 18 and 16.
This round the save was increased to 15, and then ALL 3 dwarfs critically failed except Drake, and I rolled a 16, nat 20
and a 15.
after that I rolled a 7 and lost.
I got the respect of Dwarf batman though.

[Carden-Gix'oth]

The Goddamned DOOR



3.5e story here

At the time, our party was a bit different from what it is now.

Back then, we had a Fighter who had the Throw Anything Feat. We were adventuring in a dungeon inhabited by Drow (and as we would learn, a few Goblins, some Undead, and other creatures). After our Scout disarmed and unlocked a wooden door, our Fighter asked if he could "Pull the door off it's hinges and carry it around".

This door was 6ft tall, and 3ft wide, mind you.

Our DM, not really wanting to say no out of sheer morbid curiosity, allowed it, but called for a STR check.

The Fighter passed with flying colors.

As the door was torn from the stone wall, we were alerted to the squeaking and squabbling of a small pack of goblins. The Scout and Ranger fill one full of arrows, managing to decapitate the poor thing in less than 6 seconds, just by the amount of arrows they put into its neck. I charge one of them, but I ****ed up the rules on charging and (because I made the mistake) didn't attack it. The Fighter, not wanting to be left out, decides to hurl the goddamned door at one of the goblins.

Fighter: "Uh... [DM] how much damage does a goddamned door do?"

Cue the mental math...

DM: "Uh... I'd say 2d10. You're gonna take a bit of a penalty to h-

Fighter: "Nat 20!" then promptly Nat 1'd the confirmation roll. Still, he hit.

DM: "Roll damage. 2d10, plus your STR mod"

*rolls damage* *damage is enough to turn the goblin to paste*

Entire Party: *Howling with laughter as our Fighter turned a Goblin to ketchup by throwing a goddamned door at it*

DM: "Jesus Christ, they're just Goblins! They're worth 1/2 CR... I feel sorry for the poor bastards now..."

Bard attempts to make a joke about the goblins not having a father (yes, it was racist)

Entire Party: "I don't. They're goblins. **** 'em."

After the... fight?... After the goblin slaughtering, our Scout used his handaxe to turn the 6ft tall door into a 3ft tall wooden shuriken, which the Fighter hurled at Drow, Undead, and tables alike. Why tables? Cause our DM had the Drow use the huge ass tables as cover by kicking them over, like they did in old westerns.

....Until they were turned into splinters and firewood by our Fighter and his Goddamned Door Shuriken.

[thorr-kan]

The Goddamned DOOR
Goddamned Door Shuriken.
Ah, the joys of DYNAMIC ENTRY!

[Elvensilver]

Let's get this thread back to the first page!

My first game I ever dm'd, all the over players (all siblings and cousins) played for the first time too.
It was a simple job: the village held an adventuring test, with some trials in the woods, and in the end you would get a certificate signed by the mayor, 20 gold and some glory. Since only a few people showed up in the tavern in the dark corner, they were send to clear out the forest and the abondened house within take the test. After fighting an sickly gnoll, some small spiders and a large cat they finally arrived at a ruined house in the woods. Now the 4 Lvl1 Characters had the dangerous and important job to clear out the old haunted manor in the woods, so they after politly knocking, they entered. Thanks to a stroke of brilliance they rolled perception. The cleric found a suspicious plate in the floor, and after taking some time to exermine it, he conclued that it was indeed a trap, most likely linked to the small holes in the walls. So, the party complemented him for his findings and proceeded to circle around the plate.
...
Well exept the cleric. He, because Intelligence 17 and Wisdom 18 is not enough for basic common sense, went backwards, broke in to a run ("Are you sure?") and stepped on the plate!
3 arrows hit him. He had 9TP.

[Vessyra]

I ran a one-shot in which I blend various ideas together to create a semi-cliché rescue-the-princess-from-the-tower one-shot. The players snuck up on the tower, and, in a stroke of genius, decided to split up and attack on all fronts, and used their high movements speeds run around, thus bumping into even more guards and activating even more encounters. And so it was that the party ended up simultaneously fight every single encounter that I had planned, and even the guards who were meant to be asleep. And, just to finish off, they went and accidentally killed the Princess as well.

None of this was on purpose, either; they just did NOT work well together as a team. Heck, it took them an hour and a half to just leave the starting tavern!

[Destructor]

We were playing LMoP, and our first encounter was several goblins. I intimidate them (roll a nat 20), and the DM describes them as "frozen with fear."

At this point, our cleric decides to offer them his pants.

The poor goblins, traumatized by this event, start running away, the cleric going after them, and the rest of the party after the cleric, trying to stop him! The cleric, being a wood elf and slightly faster, catches up and grabs two of the four goblins, and puts his pants on one of them.

Our fighter says I'm going insane out of all of this (OOC), but the DM took it literally and made her roll for insanity. She got something like "an extreme hatred for the cause of insanity," and starts hitting our cleric. I try to stop her, only to be smashed in the face with my d6 sorcerer hit die. The cleric then manages to persuade the goblins to help him fight the fighter, and they do so, knocking the fighter out, but only after the cleric took some heavy flail hits in the face. Now, only the rogue is left, who Wass chilling behind all the time. He saw us dead, and looted us all, then returned to the path that we were told to take in the first place

TL;DR: Our cleric scared away the goblins, made the fighter insane, got me killed, then had a fight to the death with the fighter. The only survivor looted us and missed. the cave for us to get to level 2.

[Samwich]

For this story to make sense, you have to know about a mechanic my group uses. We cycle out DM's on a weekly basis, so everybody plays and everybody DMs. We just run a lot of one shots, so for a long time, there was no real story, until one fateful day when we discovered one common thread that tied our tales together.
A few years back, in one of our first adventures, we fought against an evil fire giant's plan to conquer a nearby city. When pressed for a name to give this villain, the DM, who had not come up with one earlier, shouted out, "Argon!" And thus was Argon the giant slain.
Fast forward a few years, when the DM who ran the Argon campaign had left the group. A new DM was running this session, and now, it was a beholder who posed a threat. We did our research on this new evil doer, and discovered his sinister name: "Xenon."
At this point, one of the older members of the group called a time out, and asked the rest of us,
"Anybody remember Argon?" We all did. "And now we're fighting Xenon. Guys, this is our higher purpose! We must destroy the noble gases!" And so we began our holy mission, to destroy any evildoer who thought he could hide behind his completed valence electron shell. Baron Ununcium was the next to go, followed quickly by Krypton the sinister drow. Helium, the annoyingly squeaky dragon, met a similar fate, and at long last, the mission was completed with the defeat of the interdimensional being Neon. And thus it was that the party proved, no valence shell, no matter how complete, could ever protect evil from the reach of justice.

[Firephantom105]

I've only played D&D once (which is a shame, I love D&D), but the one time I did, it was great.

I believe we were playing 3.5e, and I was the team's wizard. There were too many people for one group so we split into two groups.

At one point, we encountered this floating statue head. One of the party members (let's call him Dave) mistook it for a completely different monster, so we fled. Later we returned and it turned out that the thing only had 5 HP and died in one hit.

Later on, we encountered this chest. Since approximately 50% of all chests in RPGs are trapped in some way, I was wary of it and cast Open/Close on it. The chest opened and no traps were triggered. Later we found out that the other group had just opened it and there was indeed a trap, poison if I remember correctly. So while the other group had to suffer from this poison trap, my group just took the loot with no consequences whatsoever.

That's about all I can remember, all the amusing stuff anyway.

[thegoldsmith]

The Barbarian and the Door of Maps
OK so this is the story of a level 20 one shot i ran a while ago there were others in the party but today we will focus on the half orc barbarian with 26-27 strength score. basically the party head earlier in the day saved a cartographer (A map maker) from a household accident involving several shambling mounds and a crazy paladin of the ancients (another party member) they hired him to make them a map the local area to help them locate the dungeon which he told them they could collect it the next day. cut to the next morning later after decimating a small army and enslaving the rest of it largely out of in character boredom the barbarian was delayed keeping all their precious meat shields and cannon fodder from escaping and this is where the player who was a little tired and excited said "I run to the carpenters raging and kick the door open and demand the map" so I had him roll strength on the kick, intimidation and luck on whether he found a map in the poor carpenter who specialized in doors and cabinets. the results were 25, Nat 20 Nat 20 and i described as the barbarian kicked down the door into the carpenter knocking him off his feet standing on the door looming over him and screaming "Give me the Map NOW!!!" and the barbarian walked down the street mission accomplished with a highly detailed map engraved onto a large oak door held firmly in one hand whistling as he went about his merry way. it wasn't until I said it was engraved onto a door that the player realized what he had said. but we all laughed and said it was a great RP session.

[Firephantom105]

I recently DMed part one of The Lost Mines of Phandelver for my mother and my brother. The recommended number of players for it is 4-5, so I had two DMPCs, a dwarf cleric (which I might have lazily named Durkon) and an elven wizard. The first encounter went pretty normal until after the party won, when my brother (who was playing the halfling rogue) decided to keep the eyes and hearts of the dead goblins and horses (you'd think he was a certain halflinf ranger). The party then find Cragmaw Cave, kills the goblins outside, my brother forgets to steal their eyes and hearts, and they enter. They see the kennel to their right and my brother decides to feed the wolves with those eyes and hearts he had been collecting. They let him past and the party decides to climb up the shaft in the back of the kennel. My brother, my mother, and the cleric reach the top of the shaft (the wizard couldn't catch up) and see a bugbear named Klarg, his pet wolf, and two goblins. Everyone (even the wizard) rolls initiative. My brother decides to only knock the wolf out, wanting to keep him as a pet later. He and my mother deal some good damage and the dwarf get a critical hit and deals 15 damage to Klarg. Meanwhile, the wizard slips and falls down the shaft, reaching 0 HP. My mom wound up in some sort of sniper duel with one of the goblins, sending arrows back anf forth but barely hitting. The wizard, still in the kennel, fails two death saves. If I remmber correctly, my brother killed Klarg and then the group killed the two goblins. The group finds some healing potions and my mom immediately grabs one and heads down to heal the wizard. My brother decides to just take the unconscious wolf and jump down the shaft, nearly dying from the fall. The wolf wakes up and they manage to calm it down by feeding it Klarg's eyes and heart. My mom stabilizes my brother before he has to make any death saves and we leave off there.

[The Kool]

I ran a one-shot in which I blend various ideas together to create a semi-cliché rescue-the-princess-from-the-tower one-shot. The players snuck up on the tower, and, in a stroke of genius, decided to split up and attack on all fronts, and used their high movements speeds run around, thus bumping into even more guards and activating even more encounters. And so it was that the party ended up simultaneously fight every single encounter that I had planned, and even the guards who were meant to be asleep. And, just to finish off, they went and accidentally killed the Princess as well.

None of this was on purpose, either; they just did NOT work well together as a team. Heck, it took them an hour and a half to just leave the starting tavern!

Well, that sounds an awful lot like one of my absolute favorite sessions. Party of three: Vampire rogue, competent archer, and ballsy warmage (me). We were tasked with rescuing a prisoner from the highest tower of a keep. We travel to the island and probably spend 2-3 hours planning every move, every approach, investigating the island and the keep. We get into position, just the three of us, and at the word go we open every single room/encounter in the entire keep. The archer perches on the wall and snipes guards and anyone running to sound the alarm. The vampire descends from the top of the keep, grabbing the prisoner and ruthlessly clearing a path. I kite all the guards on the lower level into one room, then hit it with a maximized fireball. Within a minute of game time, silence reigned.

But for funny stories, my favorite is probably the time the player of that archer (very intense, loved intrigue) was having a wordy, lengthy diplomatic discussion with a tyrant lord who the party had been tasked with overthrowing. The ranger in the corner got increasingly twitchy, until he just spoke up suddenly with no provocation: "I stab him." "Wait, really?" "Yeah, wait no... yeah I stab him." "Alright... everyone roll for initiative. The ranger has stabbed the lord." The exact same player, earlier in the session, when asked to create a diversion to help the town overthrow said lord: "Why don't we... set fire to the town... and blame the guard!"

[Malphegor]

How To Deal With The One Ring, My D&D group's Method

So we had a macguffin that was evil and bad and could not be destroyed, and we were delivering it from the temple of Loki to the temple of Thor which is apparently a bajillion miles away and we still haven't done that yet one day maybe.

But. We realised that we had an indestructible object of power on our hands, so after a bit of debate, with topics such as 'strap it to your armour so it's a infinite-AC armour over a specific part of you', to 'why not just find a volcano- what do you mean fire elementals exist and could be corrupted by it', I realised that such an item of great power had one use for a party such as ours...


An orc tavern- there are patrons drinking, a mild bar brawl, and a thick layer of smoke in the air, tinged with the smell of sweat and testosterone.

The saloon doors slam open, and a tiefling wizard steps in, grin apparent on his face, doffs his pointy hat and pulls out the macguffin for the confused orcs to see.

"Good evening gentlemen, step right up, step right up, try your might at destroying the work of a wizard who thinks orcs are dumb idiots! One gold a go, come on lads, give it a try!"

Very carefully, we got orcs to line up and try their hand at smashing the macguffin, and all failed. By the time some of them were sober enough to demand their gold back, we had enough money for some new spells for me, a few new weapons, and a carriage out of the city.

So if you ever find the One Ring, why not just scam people out of their money and make them pay for the opportunity to destroy it?

(note keep the macguffin close though very easy for someone to nick it in the confusion)

[Carden-Gix'oth]

Hey, guys. I'm back! And this time I'm DMing.

To wrap up on that last campaign, in no particular order,

~We found, and took 43 crates containing 1600 pellets each of what can only be called "high yield explosives" (keep in mind, I was playing a Paladin). These pellets can be safely launched from a sling, and, upon impact, explode dealing 3d100 damage in a 50ft radius. I'll say that again 3d100 damage, in a 50ft radius ****ery ensued soon after.

~Using a little known, but OK'd power called "Speak High Draconic" my Paladin of Bahamut cast "Quickened Create Water" and, after some deliberation, created enough snow to trap 2 drow warriors in. He then cast "Binding Snow" (Found in Frostburn) to freeze them in a solid block of ice.

~The Ranger freed a captive Aasimar Half-Drow girl from slavery, and also skinned a man alive (partially)

~The Ogre (yes, we had an Ogre) nearly beat Kord to death in less than 6 seconds in an honorable duel, thus becoming Kord's Avatar

~The Paladin, Ranger, and Ogre all became Overdeities (some of you may have seen my post a few months back asking about Divine Ranks)


But that was last campaign. You're here for a funny story... Well, I'm in the process of scamming my players, and they don't even know it. Ever here of the game "Razzle Dazzle?" It's on Scam Nation's YouTube, check it out.

So, they (Elven Female Ranger and Dragonkin Male Knight/Crusader) debate, as usual, who's going through the nearly-rusted-shut and probably-trapped-since-the-Ranger-has-no-levels-in-Rogue-door when it opens.

A silky voice beckons them inside the utterly dark room. Not magically dark, mind you, just devoid of light. After some persuasion the side of the Contract Devil, they hear him out. He explains the rules of the game, explains that the Contract is the Game, what they're entitled to pay is any and all gold lost, and what they stand to gain is literally anything they want, and at any time they are free to leave, provided they have paid him the money owed. If they go into the Red, well, it's a f*cking Contract Devil he's gonna take their souls, but he'll also give them back their money so they can keep playing... They decide to play. So far:

The Ranger has to pay 256 Copper (or, 2 Gold, 5 Silver, and 6 Copper) per round has 17 prizes, and 20 Points, and has spent, so far, over 2 PLATINUM
The Knight has to pay 64 Copper (or 6 Silver, 4 Copper) per round, has 16 prizes, and 40 Points. and has spent, so far, just over 1 Platinum.

We ended the Discord call cause a storm is rolling in for me and one of the players and we didn't want things to be cut off, and so that's where I'm ending this for now.

The best part? The Knight figured out, without looking it up (I changed the name if the game from "Razzle Dazzle" to "Dragon's Hoard" that it's a scam, but they won't stop playing!!

I'll update y'all on how far they go next week, and let you know what happens.

[Carden-Gix'oth]

Story time!


The Contract Devil pt 2, or, what happens when you piss off a Sorcerer

I know it's been a while, but I put off the game while I got some new players. I'm up to 9

Our cast is thus:
Elven Ranger (who looks like Yang Xiao Long)
Dragonkin Knight/Crusader
Human Rogue (with a mental disability and a curse because backstory)
Tiefling Rogue
Human Sorcerer (the main character of this part)
Tabaxi Cleric (couldn't make the first session with the new players)
Human Cleric of Elhonna
Tiefling Paladin of Bahamut
Fey'ri Warlock


So, I got the new players in the campaign, and they loved their first session. They get into the room with the Contract Devil, and the Contract Devil immediately turns hostile upon seeing the "blood traitor" of the Paladin. He tempts the Paladin to join him and fight in the Blood War. The Paladin makes his Will save, however, the Rogue did not, and attacked him. Her rapier skated off of his platemail, but he filled his wisdom check and had no clue why she attacked him. Everyone rolls initiative, and the Contract Devil lashes out with his contracts (using them as a razor sharp whip) and drops the Paladin in one go (did half his HP, and he failed his Massive Damage save). This, evidently, didn't sit well with the Sorcerer. Everyone attacks and plinks some HP off of him, with a couple misses here and there. Then it's the Sorc's turn. He uses his skill speaking High Draconic, crits on his "Quickened, Empowered, Lesser Orb of Lightning" attack, and one shots the damned Devil.

The moral of the story is: Do not piss off a Sorcerer who can bend the Arcane to his whim with a mere thought. The Paladin didn't die due to DM ruling. I'm not gonna kill a player session one, combat one, round one. So, I think the Sorc is gonna be the Paladin's protector lmfao

[Vessyra]

This story is from Dungeon of the Mad Mage, with the players having just delved into the first level (don't worry, no major spoilers ahead):

The party consisted of a fighter, monk and a bard. As the party hacked and slashed their way through monsters, the fighter and monk were very effective at slaughtering everything. The bard... not so much. Every time he cast a spell, from vicious mockery to Tasha's hideous laughter to hold person, the enemy would make their save. However, he finally got a chance to shine once they came across a group of goblins.
"Great", I thought. "The bard knows Goblin, he'll be able to use persuasion and roleplay this".
Instead, the bard cast major image to create a huge dragon and used intimidate, and forced the goblins into his service. I was surprised at the turn of events, but didn't expect it to be too much of a big deal. However, the bard kept the major up, and went to find some more goblins. The party then went on a room-by-room search, recasting the illusory dragon when the first ran out and enslaving everything they came into contact with. Eventually, they found the stairs leading deep into the dungeon, and I thought the madness would be on hold, but the the party ignored the stairs and KEPT GOING, not stopping until everything on the entire dungeon level was either dead or beholden to them. Only was they were in complete control of every living being in the level did they venture onwards.

And so that's how, in one session, the bard managed to raise an entire army. And that's only after the first level. I have no idea what kind of legion he'll have amassed once we're further into the campaign.

[jdizzlean]

The Mod Life Crisis: This thread has reached 50 pages, kindly create a new one and link to it here :)

[Vknight]

The Mod Life Crisis: This thread has reached 50 pages, kindly create a new one and link to it here :)

I have kindly done these things because well i'm a monster and finally have been given the chance too name it mwhahahahahah
http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?594655-Funny-D-amp-D-Stories-The-Tournament-Arc&p=24072971#post24072971